Finger Licking in the Time of Coronavirus

People should be allowed to lick their fingers and touch their faces during meals, as long as they wash hands before and after!

The comment that the girlfriend could be a place holder for the writer's hurt and anger toward her father is absolutely correct. I spent years resenting my stepmother for my father's choices and failings, and even 15 years later I regret the way I treated her sometimes.

Paolo - You might want to read "The Inner Game of Tennis" by W. Timothy Gallwey. It has been around for years, but it is still relevant. It's not just about tennis and may be applied to any sport or endeavor. Book description: "Gallwey’s revolutionary thinking, built on a foundation of Zen thinking and humanistic psychology, was really a primer on how to get out of your own way to let your best game emerge. It was sports psychology before the two words were pressed against each other and codified into an accepted discipline." Concerned -Some people are prescribed medications that cause drastic weight gain. And that is none of your business either.

Yes, you are totally allowed to dislike your Dad's fiance. Your parents divorced 5 years ago; 2 years prior to that your father already had his girlfriend; and in the 5 years since the divorce you have met her 3 times, and from the sounds of it, your father only sporadically. How Philip can turn around and say that he can still be a good parent to you, I don't know. Father and girlfriend need to put in one heck of a lot more effort to mend this relationship - it should not be all down to the youngsters to be more open and acceptable to this couple.

"Our dad has always wanted us to know his girlfriend and act like we love her." If the teen is being accurate, their father is expecting his kids to love someone they've met 3 times. That's what makes me wonder about the dad. Not the timeline, as he and their mom could have been separated for several years prior to their divorce being finalized. In NY, only someone like Katies Holmes could get a "quickie" divorce, especially if children are involved.

Geez, it hadn’t occurred to me that “feederism” could be a fetish, but I googled and indeed it is. This is disturbing.

@ Daughter, 16 Of course your father wants you to meet his girlfriend. However, he is wrong to expect you to act like you love her. (Did he really say that?- or is that an interpretation of something he said?) So, if he has said that, you can certainly have a conversation with him about that. He should know that it is unrealistic for you to love this woman at first sight, especially in light of all the feelings you probably have about the divorce, how he has treated you before and since the divorce, and the weirdness of seeing him with a woman who is not your mother. I say this as a person whose parents divorced, albeit when I was much older than 11. And my father was neither a good husband or a good father. I had to meet wife #2 and then #3. I never developed a love for them or even had a close relationship with them. However, that does not mean that you cannot have a cordial relationship with them. You do not have to love this woman (or any future woman or even a man your mother might begin a relationship with). However, it will be much easier for you if you can just have a cordial relationship with her, just like you would have if some friend introduced you to one of their friends or a classmate with whom you have to work on a project but are not friends. Who knows? If you can get past your negative feelings and let things proceed naturally, you might even develop a fondness for her sometime in the future.

For Paolo, swimmer: 2 things that have helped many people: reframe the physical signs that might seem to be anxiety as "I'm excited. My body is bringing me all my energy to do my very best." You can practice ahead of time: visualize the moments before the race, watch yourself tensing certain muscles, breathing faster, etc. and tell yourself, Yes, that's my body getting ready to give my all. You might want to go for one session with a counselor or psychologist trained in hypnosis, sports psychology, or CBT, just to get you practicing effectively. Good luck. For the LW whose husband licks his fingers: instead of trying to convince him or the science (you're correct), or describing it as gross, use "I statements". When you...[specific behavior neutrally described] I feel ...[a feeling. Never 'I feel that you"] Because... So I wish you would instead.. This works well in a surprising variety of conflicts. A major part of it is that when you say "I feel", rather than "You are", the other person is not as likely to be defensive. And after all, you are the unquestioned expert about how you feel. good luck.

You met her three times and you’re supposed to gush all over her with love. You wouldn’t feel that way about a date of the third time out with them. You may, indeed, be using her as a substitute for your resentment of your father’s disregard, so work on that. But no relationship can grow and deepen without contact and connection. Tell your father that you’ll work on it but nothing is instantaneous. FaceTime, phone calls, emails, texts, time spent together are how to establish and deepen a relationship. But they are the adults. It’s on them.

Daughter should be beloved when she tells you that her father is not in her life enough. Don't gaslight her just because she may feel hurt or is young. The phenomenon of the selfish father who cheats, runs away from responsibility and then wants his children to bear the emotional toll is not exactly rare. I was lucky to have wonderful, happy parents, but grew up with far too many friends who had fathers like hers.

Having dealt with something very similar to L2 as a teen, a lot of the comments reflect something I found unreasonable then and do now. An incredible amount of weight is placed on a child to handle the situation better than the adults in the room. It’s necessary to move forward, and LW2 should put her best foot forward, but it also makes you feel as though no one is willing to hear you out. If you expect children to navigate that, it’s fair to allow them the agency to choose who to associate with. In my case, the reservations I had about a parent’s finance ended up being very founded. I kept my stiff upper lip, and the person who I thought was a creep was proven to be a creep later. And my parent admitted as much. It just took years of accommodating their feelings so we could maintain a relationship...which breeds a lot of resentment too. Also, you can do things to show a parent you love them, but you don’t need to serve as validation for their own decisions.

Grown adults who lick their fingers during meals, gross! The woman across from me in an open office does this at lunch every day. unbelievable. I have to get up and leave my desk, it's so disgusting. Now with coronavirus, stop.

Licking fingers in your own house is not a big concern, unless you live in a commune in Wuhan.

Paolo - May I ask a question. Do you perform at your highest level after feeling anxious or does it negatively effect you. If it is positive, use it as a motivational factor. For example, ‘I am nervous but as as I bend down and focus on my start this is when I unleash my anxiety and explode off the starting platform’ If you swim better times outside of meets, as I did, then there are many paths forward. Phelps and many others listen to music to block out everything else. Some people meditate but that lowers your heart rate so you will need a way to crank it up. Or, speak to lots of people that swim to see what worked for them and maybe you will find your answer. What worked for me was to find a distraction Talking to my teammates about anything is all I needed.

The teen would certainly know how often her father sees her. It's clearly not every other weekend or shared during the week. Why not take her at her word that it's sporadic? The kids should speak to their father privately about his irregular visits, how this will change when he remarries, & what his expectations are for interaction after the marriage before meeting the fiancee again. Is Dad moving to the fiancee's state? Are they going to spend significant blocks of time together? Dad needs to step up & give some guidance as to what's expected even if he needs prompting from the kids.

It's never acceptable to raise the issue of a friend's weight gain w/him & his spouse. The husband's deflection was made w/humor but sent a clear signal that the topic wasn't up for discussion. LW4 STILL wants to pursue the topic under the guise of health concerns as though both he & his husband are unaware of the risks associated w/weight. LW4 doesn't "means well" at all. I call it being nosy & meddling in someone else's marriage. The couple is aware. They've made it clear it isn't something they intend to discuss w/LW4. Further attempts to pursue the matter will end the friendship.

A cousin of mine, a plus size person, was out and about minding his own business. At a fast food restaurant a stranger approached him: "You're fat." My cousin: "OMG! Thank you for telling me. I didn't know." He continued on with his meal.

Re Daughter: we don't know how long mom & dad were separated before they finally got divorced. It's possible that mom was also dating others at the same time. I think the best plan would be to tell dad you want alone time with him, to talk, get to know each other better, & maybe even to do some family therapy. That way you won't have to feel as if fiancee is getting all his attention. When you do see her, try to find out what her interests are. You might have things in common that you don't realize yet.

Dear Daughter, I hope you and your brother will be able to "put in the work" on relating to your dad and his fiancee. It's a really great skill in life to look for the best in people or (when you see those failings we all have, one way or another) to be as kind about them as possible. You won't regret having tried, I promise. I know it isn't easy. Long time ago I dated a divorced guy whose kids didn't always like him. We all could have spent that time "together" a lot more happily than we did, if we'd thought about this.

You say, "if he [dad] didn’t love you and your brother, wouldn’t he have stopped trying to bring you into his life by now?" Many parents, sadly, need validation from their kids, rather than validating their kids. This father may be in that category. I think we need a lot more information about the father and the soon to be step mother to give advice. They may be well justified in snubbing him, and perhaps should be taught to trust their instincts when things just don't feel right with people. They should not be guilt tripped, but backed up by both parents.

Paolo, You're not alone. The reality is that many athletes, singers, violinists, etc are beset by performance anxiety. And there seems to be no correlation between the level of performance and the amount of anxiety: for instance, some internationally known singers just have slight jitters, while others have full-blown anxiety attacks. Do talk with your teammates and, if you know any, other athletes and artistic performers. If your anxiety is overshadowing the joy of the swim meets (this is what happened to me in another field), I strongly suggest you find a sports psychologist to speak with. Many of them specialize in exactly this. Good luck!

Paola, Rest assured, a lot of top athletes have anxiety before events. Jitters, wanting to throw up, repeat visits to the porto john; been there many a time. What helped me is to find a quiet corner to stretch and focus on my breathing (aka meditate)before the event, and develop a ritual. A lot of athletes do these silly things before an event, maybe wearing a funny hat right up to the start, listening to a favorite song or doing a stupid dance. These are all distractions from the anxiety and ways to lighten the seriousness of the race. Amazingly, when you take your mind off the race, the body knows exactly what to do once the gun goes off!

To daughter / I think your father has had a hard time building the relationship he would have wanted with you and your brother, not because he doesn’t want to in his heart, but doesn’t know how. I don’t think he’s trying to make you feel guilty, rather that he himself is feeling hurt and feels the hurt his future spouse must be feeling. Wouldn’t you be if someone you love deeply rejects your (future) partner that you also love? I would address the fact with your dad that it is difficult for you and your brother to form a relationship with his future spouse if you and your brother don’t have a proper relationship with your dad yourselves, because you see him so little and you don’t have the feeling he cares enough to make time for you.

About “Performance Anxiety”: What a shame that your pride in how well you swim is stuck with a bad case of nerves. It sounds like not even getting in the habit of the swim meets takes away your anxiety, and your confidence in how good you can do isn’t enough to make you less jittery beforehand. What would you think about finding a counselor to help you find ways of relaxing your mind or of coping with anxiety? You deserve to just enjoy this venue in which you excel, without going through those bad feelings.

About “No Body Talk:” That kind of weight gain is very concerning. 100 lbs. extra could bring on serious health problems and could also reflect serious health problems. Either way, though, you can’t force the issue. As a follow up to the brief prior mention of his weight, maybe you can pull your friend aside some time and say something like, “I hope you know that I love you no matter what and am always here for you.” He may or may not want to have an ensuing conversation, but at least he will be reminded what a good, caring friend he has in you.

To Daughter: That sounds like a really tough situation. As far as you and your brother are concerned, you are being asked to welcome a person that neither one of you would have wanted in your life. You describe not liking your dad’s girlfriend from the last three encounters. But just a handful of meetings with someone - especially if they are uncomfortable for everyone, and I imagine she feels awkward, too - aren’t the final answer about whether you can get along. No need to pretend to love her, but how about making an extra effort to see if you might like her? Is there an activity you could try doing alone with her, like going shopping? It might be more relaxed and feel more authentic, to use your term. I realize this is a lot to ask of you as the child here. But please keep in mind that the dynamics between you and she will likely set the tone for your relationship with your dad for years to come, if they get, and stay, married. Likewise with your brother. Good luck!

LW1: Does your husband touch his face apart from meal times? It might be an unconscious habit on his part. The health concerns are especially sharp when eating is involved. If touching his face is too hard a habit to break, at least for the current coronavirus crisis, could he wash his face before eating? It’s still icky to watch but it might keep him, and you by extension, healthy.

To Daughter - Actually, you don't need to 'specify your problem with his girlfriend.' That she started dating your dad two years before he split with your mom, with two kids in the picture to boot, is grounds enough for your disapproval and reluctance to form a relationship, because her choice shows poor character and disrespect toward you, your brother, and mom. Maybe it is advisable to be open minded, as you've already indicated your agreement with, and giving the relationship a chance wouldn't be easy but possibly totally worth it. Nevertheless, someone needed to counter the tone of the columnist's response, which places blame upon you that isn't due. Neither your disdain, nor your recognition of the value of open-mindedness, is unreasonable. Good luck.

As a child of divorce, I completely disagree with the advice in the second letter. Dad sounds unbelievably selfish and immature. These teens are under no obligation to humor their father and spend time with a woman who willingly participated in the dissolution of their parents' marriage. These kids also aren't responsible for changing their dad's behavior; HE needs to see a family therapist with the girlfriend and not involve them. It is the father's responsibility to figure out how he fits into his kids' lives post-divorce. The response puts way too much responsibility back on the author and her brother (both minors!). I was indifferent to most of my father's girlfriends; the few I couldn't stand to be around were truly awfuI. The fact that the author and her brother have such strong feelings about this woman speaks volumes to me.

About the face touching, I suggest the writer read up on operant conditioning techniques. Some of the better books on this are written for dog training (Karen Pryor’s “Don’t Shoot the Dog,” for example), but the methods apply to husbands, too. Or anyone. People who are in the habit of letting their hands wander around their faces do not realize they are doing it. If you “mark” the behavior with a gentle and quiet admonition (emphasis on gentle and quiet), your husband will become hyper aware of the behavior and that behavior will go away, eventually (be “extinguished,” in behavioral language). My husband once had the habit of playing with his mustache when reading or watching tv. The twiddling of facial hair is a habit that drives me up the wall (I can deal with mustaches, but find beards repellent). So I started pointing out to Husband that he was doing it, every time I caught him doing it. He does not do that now. And I didn’t even need a clicker or a bag of treats. ;-) Patience and persistence equal power.

Stepmother question it is best to keep things civil even if you never warm up to her. If your Mom is driving the hate train time to start thinking for yourself. Weight gain definitely stay out of it! 1) He knows he is fat and 2) The spouse might even be a feeder in which case you would be jumping into something you really probably don't want to know about.

Meditate with a group? Not so much these days. Meditation groups, like churches and synagogues, are suspending group practice to slow the progress of covid-19.

To the anonymous spouse who thinks their husband's table manners are "gross: You should know that much of the world customarily eschews utensils and eats with their hands. I'm betting you snipe at your poor hubby even if he does this in the privacy of your home far from the threats of a pandemic fearing world. Please stop "gently" treating your poor husband as if he were a child. Leave him alone, let him enjoy his food and learn to love him as he is.

Bad advice to Daughter. Don’t treat her like her father does. Doesn’t even sound like he’s invested in a relationship with his kids which can be terribly rejecting. The adult has to set the tone and be the example of understanding and empathy. Validate this poor girl. My advice to her: Take your time. Don’t put yourself in a situation that you don’t feel comfortable with. Divorce is really hard. Sounds like your dad has some really unrealistic expectations for you SHOULD act and be. Tell your mom you need to talk to a good therapist- this person should non-judgmental and provide a safe space for all of your feelings- the whole range of them! And yes- you are entitled to have them!

If his hands have been meticulously washed, do not worry.

LW 4, really? This is going to help? MYOB. If they want your help, they will ask.

The first letter reads as if the spouse has always found the husband's habit disgusting, but now has a medical reason to tell him to stop. You can't "gently impress" on someone that they are disgusting unless you do it with humor and even then it's iffy. You might make him see the light by everybody washing their hands really thoroughly before meals, if he doesn't already do so. If you do it as well, it will seem less like you're treating him like a child and more like good health advice for everyone to follow.

To Paolo, LW3: Try reading some books on sports/performance psychology. I learned visualization, which helped my me with my nerves A LOT. Visualization was not about picturing yourself crossing finish line at Olympics. It was about breaking down your next competition and pre-experiencing on a granular basis: the feel of suiting up, sizing up the competition, how the water feels when you enter, etc. etc. It may me feel prepared and calm (more or less) and more confident.

LW 1 should provide a plate for her husband's food. When there are crumbs left on the plate, he can lick the plate clean, like a normal person would.

Hubby won’t stop licking his fingers?? No problem!! Darwin will take care of it.

Good advice to LW4. MYOB is best when it comes to anyone's weight!

I suspect that the teen’s mother has been channeling her resentment toward her ex husband through her children, for years. That is reading between the lines, yes, but it is how I interpret the biting language. That is so unfair to kids. I agree with all that PG wrote — particularly the part about the girlfriend likely being a “placeholder” for the teen’s hurt feelings — but I would add one more thing to that advice. Good manners and emotional generosity should guide the teen’s response to her future stepmother. We are not required to like the people any of our family members marry, but we should always treat them with respect (even if you don’t feel it, do it for your dad), and we should be generous enough to to take joy in the fact that our relatives have found someone to love. Learn to take joy from the joy of others, and you will have a happier life.

OMG, yes, to the teenage daughter in the second question! How I wish someone had told me that just because my dad was a terrible husband to my mom, that didn’t mean he wasn’t a good father to me. I held a needless grudge against him for years.

I think that the response to the boy who is not crazy about Dad's girlfriend missed some of the math: The parents were divorced 5 years ago; Dad has been with his girlfriend for 7 years. Unless the mom knew about and approved the girlfriend, these are two people who lied to and tricked the LW's mother. That will certainly color your view of someone.

Once one finds their partner's actions or mannerisms gross or disgusting instead of endearing, it's the beginning of the end. When it reaches contempt, decide how you will divide the assets.

I’m sorry, but my simple math indicates that Dad was cheating with the current girlfriend for 2 years prior to the divorce. Neither child should be pressured into having a relationship with the woman who helped blow up their lives. Dad chose her, over their family. Bad acts have consequences. Daughter of a cheating dad here.

For LW1: the husband is not infecting anyone with anything at all by licking crumbs off his own fingers. Only, after a meal, he would be a responsible person if he THEN washed his hands. (assuming he washes his hands before eating!). As to touching his face : are you so sure you're guiltless there yourself ? EVERYONE touches their face, all the time. In this pandemic era, frequent good handwashing is the best thing for everyone. (Use bleach on door knobs, TV remotes, light switches and so on). LW4: you also don't know what advice the weight-gaining man has received from his doctor; and you don't know if he is trying to lose weight. A BYOB moment.

just a note on the second letter: she stated that the dad dated this woman for 7 years, while getting divorced 5 years ago. obviously there were problems in this marriage for quite a while; and i’m not sure that the infrequency of time with dad helped these two kids understand what had been going on for much of their lives.

If only all could heed the advice in the last letter. Thank you, Mr. Galanes!