Apparently the NYT is on a mission to convert itself into some kind of lifestyle magazine, a status concious amalgam of Us, People, Sunset, The Lady's Home Journal, Psychology Today, and Better Homes and Gardens, replete with helpul tips for modern consumers about how to optimize every aspect of their busy lives.
Having parents who express love for each other helps the children imitate such healthy behavior. Grow up with a predator or two, as I did, and you're not taught how to love, only exploit.
The Institution of "Family" has a core value:
That core value is "Equal protection and support".
Protect and support and you will be protected and supported in return.
That covers all members of the family, even if that "family" is an institutional one, like an orphanage or being forced to live in a dog-cage on the border of a foreign country.
This Thanksgiving, let's give a thought to all families.
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What happened to the other parent? Why are they not mentioned?
My teenaged girls are two very different people, and they do not share a whole lot in common, but they are good friends. I hope they maintain this into their adulthood. I don’t have any idea what specific actions my spouse and I took that resulted in this. I do think that NOT demanding that they be boon companions helped. So did family dinners, and small routines like “mad, sad, glad, glad” (we all recount one event in the day that made us feel each emotion). The fact that they can bind about having weirdo parents helps, too!
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One of the best parenting books I've read is Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It takes the pressure off parents to raise siblings who are friends with one another.
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I just saw my sister in person for the first time since the pandemic and it was so wonderful to be together! I am so glad I had siblings, even though one has died and my heart is still broken.
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When my children fought we'd ask them to each state their side of the issue. In the beginning we would then find a solution both were happy with. Over time they would do so on their own after listening to each other. Now they rarely come to us, but we hear them discussing every now and then ;-).
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My sister and I had a very difficult relationship as teenagers (my poor parents!); we finally sorted it out in our late 30s, and truly relish each other’s company now. Fast forward to my 2 girls whose relationship was going downhill fast as the elder one turned 15. She spent her 10th grade year abroad learning a foreign language, immersed in a foreign culture, becoming significantly more independent and responsible. Boy, did we all miss her energy and positivity! When she came back (a couple of months early because the pandemic started) she and her sister became inseparable. It’s been heartwarming. You don’t know what you got til it’s gone.
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Oof. So many good things in this article, so many great stories shared in the comments.
I feel like the black sheep of the [blended] family. We were expected to look happy and close in our blended family, but the favoritism and various ways that the unfavored had of coping (which did not include supporting each other, unfortunately), have led to anger and sadness at feeling excluded and scapegoated. I have helped every sibling substantially over time, none have helped me. One (the youngest) managed to capture all of the items of worth from parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, and hiding it as best she could.
The lack of reciprocity fostered by the favoritism probably underlies a lot of this. So I think the key is to try to get teamwork in the family and to avoid the lack of fairness that accompanies favoritism. Even in blended families. And please do not cover up that biology trumps fictive kinship. It does. Absolutely. If the parents cannot overcome their sense of protectiveness toward their own, and resentment toward the misbehavior that inevitably occurs in the step kids (and actually their own too but this is never seen as unmanageable because, well, they are my biological children).
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I have seven brothers and sisters. We survived our Dads sudden death and then a very long slow decline of our Mom’s health until COVID hastened her death last year. She was 90, almost 91 at her death. Though the years we have supported and loved each other. The eight of us sometimes annoy each other, but our bonds are strong. Our group text is always full of funny comments, or request for prayers or help. We still have a weekly zoom call that started at the start of the pandemic.
How did our Mom and Dad raise so many kids that are all friends as adults?
They made sure that each of was treated as an individual. We also had to work together. When 8 kids, all very close in age, share one bathroom and one shower, you learn to not use up all the hot water or you will end up taking a cold shower for a week. We learned It is not all about you. Every Christmas we were taken to a toy store and given money to get each other gifts. That was a great lesson. I wish my Mom was still around to share her wisdom.
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Siblings who suffer a common trauma, parental mental illness, addictions can pull it off. Would have been nice to have these guideposts a few decades ago.
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Spoiler alert: Siblings don’t get along. Ever.
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@Prim
Depends on many things but the bigger the age difference. the more likely they will either ignore each other or get along. Different friends have children with from 6 to 12 year age difference and since they really don't have the same interests or have to share things that belong to them (what 15 year old is going to be sharing their possession with their 3 year old sibling?) there is less conflict.
@Prim I may not have gotten along well with my brother because our parents practiced a very 'the first born son is more important' mindset. My husband and I have worked very hard that my two children respect each other and get along well. They love each other and if one is hurt the other comes running to help. Of course they squabble, but nothing that doesn't get easily solved (usually without our help). Yes, it has taken and continues to take work on our part. But it is so worth it when I can, for example,tell them to please make their own dinner and to hear them happily discussing who does what and afterwards eating together with grins on their faces.
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Not my experience growing up or with my own kids. Two of my kids were extremely close as children, they did have a few squabbles when the older one hit puberty but that resolved and they get along fine now.
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I don't know what I did but I have suspicions. My three grown kids are close. They keep in touch and would continue to if my husband and I dropped dead. I tried never to take things too seriously and I never compared kids or their marks or their friends. They are quite different, all lovely and they make me proud. If I knew what I had done I would sell it because I know lots of people who can't say the same even though they are good people. It's a bit of a mystery.
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Although I agree with some comments that a lot depends on the personalities and wiring that your kids happen to have and whether they are naturally compatible, here’s what I did that I believe strongly helped my kids (daughter now 18, son 15) to have a great relationship. The first few times they fought at ages when they were old enough to have a conversation, I said: “We are the Dean family. We’re a team. It’s us against the world. The two of you are on the same team and need to take care of each other. And I will not allow either of you to mistreat the other or be mean to each other.” Etc. Maybe I’m giving myself too much credit, but I feel like they heard me.
Also, I noticed that a lot of parents with kids who didn’t get along just shrugged their shoulders and accepted it, as if that’s the way things always are, siblings are supposed to fight. I think that gives the kids license to treat each other badly.
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I like that this article has clear suggestions for teaching conflict resolution and thoughtful behavior. Too many parenting articles advise parents to just let kids “fight it out” on their own without any help. Humans are not born knowing how to de-escalate problems, and very often there’s a big power difference between siblings, so leaving them on their own just teaches that “might makes right.”
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Here’s something my father did that I STRONGLY recommend against. Every quarter, when my older brother and I brought our report cards home, Dad compared mine to the one my brother had brought home for the equivalent quarter when he was my age. I imagine Dad thought he was encouraging high level academic performance. Instead, he created anger, unhealthy competition and discouragement. Please don’t push your kids to outdo one another. Each is an individual. Nurture their hopes and dreams; they will find a way to be friends. Now, more than fifty years later, we have a relationship best described as distant.
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@M. Bass I totally agree with you. My parents always told me to be like my older (A - student) brother. Well, I wasn't good enough for them. My A-student brother committed suicide at 24, so I guess it wasn't healthy for him either, to be the favoured child. Now both parents are dead and I can be myself without being constantly criticised. Also be free to raise my two kids to love and be there for each other. Seeing in my kids what is possible, I realize what I missed as a child. It makes me realize how bad my childhood was.
@M. Bass @M. Bass I totally agree with you. My parents always told me to be like my older (A - student) brother. Well, I wasn't good enough for them. My A-student brother committed suicide at 24, so I guess it wasn't healthy for him either, to be the favoured child. Now both parents are dead and I can be myself without being constantly criticised. Also be free to raise my two kids to love and be there for each other. Seeing in my kids what is possible, I realize what I missed as a child. It makes me realize how bad my childhood was.
My kids are super close to one another. The best thing I did was when the newborn came home and nursed, I had the other kids (toddlers) choose books and come over to the sofa, and I would read to them. Every time the baby would get hungry, the toddlers would race to the bookshelf and get books and sit down with us. Somehow, it was very bonding.
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I wish my parents had modeled better behavior, but they were a bad match and didn't have any experience of happy family or sibling relationships. They made it clear to their younger child that they did not like the older one. It's sad when a sibling can't look up to her big sister, and learns to fear becoming like her instead.
Prevention: if you don't have a healthy background, get help before you pair off and have children.
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Two thoughts: I have three children and each time I brought the new baby home, I made a point of saying, "Baby is smilng at you Baby loves you," which I think helped start the relationships on the right footing. Later when fighting over toys began, I said, "Find a way to share or the toy goes in the closet." It did not take long for the children to find a way to share BEFORE arguing began. They knew I woujld not try to determine who was "right," and they knew the toy would disappear quickly if any fighting continued. Fast forward 30 years - the older sister had her younger sister as her only attendant in her wedding, and all three children do all they can to ensure they and their respective families are back in the family home for one summer holiday and one winter holiday. despite all living in different states. Such family time means a lot to them, and it means the world to me - the best gift ever.
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Parents playing favorites is a major culprit of sibling problems, I believe. In my family, lasting harm was done by it. I see it quite often in life, too. It is often the second-born child who is favored, not the eldest, though I've seen that too. It's all crummy, no matter who gets favored and who doesn't. I would have loved to have parents who paid attention to my siblings and me in this regard. I think the article has lots of sound advice. (I am one of those moms mentioned who tried to make my kids close after bad sibling relations in my own childhood. Truly relieved to say it mostly worked.)
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@MM
Congrats to you! That is a great accomplishment. I agree with your first five lines so much.
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@MM I have basically the same experience, except it was my older brother who was favoured. It wasn't good for him either. He committed suicide at 24. It was a relief when my tyrinical father died. My mother passed 10 years after my brother. Now I am free to raise two kids who love each other. Much better for all concerned.
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My mother said she had 3 kids so it was always 2 against 1 in fights. It has remained that way 60 years later. I don't like my sisters and being the odd one out is fine with me. I have one child by choice, one sister has none by choice, and my 3rd sister had 2 but admits she would have preferred having none. My (married) child has no children by choice, the other sister greatly favors her daughter (who just left home for college at 28), and her 30 year old son has between 2 and 4 kids (no one is sure) and is in contact with none of them. The chickens are well roosted.
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@Patty deVille
Wow. Thank you for sharing this.
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This all assumes you have kids who like each other and want to spend time together. That was not the case with me and my siblings.
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@cheeky It assumes nothing. How children get along has very much to do with how parents deal with the situation. It said so in the article.
So much depends on the characteristics of the siblings: are they the same gender? How much age difference is there? Are they easy-going or competitive?
I don't think parents can guarantee that siblings will get along (or much of anything else, frankly), but they can make space in the family fo everyone to be themselves and to be appreciated and supported for who they are. Comparisons, although probably inevitable, should be handled with care. Same with favoritism.
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Too many parents inadvertently pit kids against one another.
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We were lucky to have the one child we adore, now 26. I would not trade it for the world. It’s very important for parents of only kids to foster cousin-like relationships with family friends. That said, two is the right number, especially in the present that we are living now. I have a niece that I guess thinks being a baby machine is cool, I think she’s nuts!
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My sister, four years younger, and I have only the most perfunctory, formal relationship. This is a great improvement over the first fourteen years; from the very moment of her birth until I escaped to college, I hated the very sight of her. Reason(s)? It all began when my parents didn’t even tell me Mom was expecting! Mom was tall and skinny, barely showed (not that I’d have necessarily noticed, at age four) and then ZAP! One July day they arrived home with a squalling, red-faced bundle of pure annoyance. They acted as if it was a lovely surprise, and expected me to adore the….thing. I most emphatically did not. Which set in motion an entire childhood of them shaming me for not being a “good big sister,” for demanding that the whiny toddler leave me ALONE, for…oh, a million little things. It was awful, and made infinitely worse by the fact that we lived in a tiny house with zero privacy for anyone. Only as an adult did it dawn on me…they favored Baby because they themselves had both been youngest children.
I had exactly ONE child, a daughter, by choice. I was afraid that if I had another, I’d repeat the cycle, only I’d have definitely favored the older!
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Too bad my parents didn’t get the memo. Getting along and caring about each other was never even thought about. Being a united family was never thought about. Instead, my parents overtly favored my older brother, making him resent me just for taking up air space. And when they died he admitted he just acted like a brother for years, just because it helped his image and then tried to get all the inheritance. I haven’t seen him for 15 years now. My parents really missed the memo. Thanks for this article…..this conversation is so important.
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You realize that the story's headline is a double entendre, right?
My children (siblings) always got along. In part because of that, it was a pleasure raising them.
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Never, never have a child stand on a chair to do tasks, especially not in socks. Always have them stand on a step stool with a non-slip surface that has rubber grippers on the feet. Come on, NYT, this picture is dangerous. Getty Images needs to dump it.
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Another powerful thing you can do when siblings fight or argue is to, during peaceful moments, share this information: Sure you fight now, everyone fights with their sibling, but later, when you're grown up, you will be best friends and you will love each other so much.
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My brother and I did most everything together and with a sense of fun -- until I moved into Junior High and he into 5th grade. We fought, even physically, and couldn't team anymore. Be careful how you tell people to work together as babies.
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@maryea Absolutely. I had to laugh a little when I saw that the author has 3 and 5 year olds. Not that I don't understand her confidence. It was like that in our house at ages 3 and 5 as well - my children had disagreements that could be overcome with some lectures and a little creative task delegation. If you asked me at the time, I'd have told you I had a handle on raising kids who get along.
But, wow, was I wrong! The kids are 12 and 14 now, and they can barely be in the same room together. Once the eldest hit puberty, they lost all patience for their younger brother. The younger brother responds by pushing his big sibling's buttons - the negative reaction he gets is better than being ignored. They only speak to each other to argue now.
I understand where each of them is coming from. I plead for empathy. But I may as well be talking to a brick wall. I give them household tasks to cooperate on. They can stop bickering long enough to complete the task, but they never start bonding. They are just...human beings who fundamentally don't get along anymore.
I hold out hope that it will change when they are adults. But I also know that some people NEVER make peace with their siblings. So, there are no guarantees.
In the meantime, I have a small toy they used to play with together back in the days when they were 3 and 5, and all could be solved by taking turns. I keep it on my desk as a reminder that they did enjoy each other, once, and in the hope that they will again.
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The middle school years were really the only time my kids fought with each other—the joys of puberty! When my youngest was in 8th grade things calmed down between them.
I grew up with my cousins which meant five kids in the house, including myself. That pretty much sums up my mornings. Fighting for the last pancake. Wearing eachothers clothes… and getting beat up for it. Lots and lots of stitches. Blaming things on the oldest ones. Paying the little ones to do stuff for us. It was a really good system, and I was the middle child. Then, we moved and it was just my older brother and I. Let me just say, he and I are far from the same person. We look different, talk differently, he’s 6’3”, I’m 5’2”, he’s always awake, I’m always sleeping. The list goes on. I don’t even eat the things he does. The only similarity is that we both eat like food is running out. But, we’ve gotten way closer, especially after he became my personal chauffeur. We drive around just blasting music going as fast as we could. It’s awesome, especially when it's night or early in the morning and nobody’s on the road. After a couple years, his interests started aligning with mine since we were together so much. I took on a lot of the same things he has just following footsteps and maybe adding a couple of my own. We developed a pretty similar sense of humor, and I definitely talk a lot more like him. He’s in college now, and honestly it’s not too bad. He comes home and it’s like he never left. The article talks about things that parents can do to raise their kids, and I feel like mine did pretty good judging by the relationship my brother and I have built.
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@Shivani Patel
Everything sounds pretty great, except the part about driving as fast as you can. You don't want to hurt someone else's sibling do you? Obey the speed limit at all times, no matter if you think the road is empty. Showing love to others we don't know also shows love to those we do know.
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My mother’s trick when we had to share a piece of anything, like pie or cake or sweets. One of us got to cut it, the other got first choice between the two resultant pieces. Worked like a charm.
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My mother did the same thing. It’s a great system!
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@Jane K
It's called the judgment of Solomon
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@Jane K My dad this did too. I would spend so much time trying to make it exactly even.
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My mother did something right, even as my brother (18 months younger than me) grew up in a chaotic home with an alcoholic father. I was diagnosed with severe and mental illness in my late twenties and my mother and brother loved and supported me unconditionally. When our mother passed away in 2002 from pancreatic cancer, my brother continued to support me in every way; emotionally, financially, what I needed - he acted as the older sibling. Today, I just turned 59, he will be 58 this summer. I am emotionally healthy and he and I are best friends. We have an adult relationship based on love, friendship and mutual respect. In the summer of 2018, when he got married, he asked me to walk him down the aisle, It was one of the best moments of my life.
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@Andrea
I am so happy for you on this! What a great story and a great ending, from an early rough start. Thank you for sharing.
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I could never imagine being an only child. It’s not a negative thing to be an only child, but my life would be different. From what I have seen from friends that don’t have any siblings, the way that their family life is, is totally divergent. Attention is almost always on them, there’s no one to teach them what it’s like to live in a world where things don't always go your way. I am so grateful to have a sibling who has taught me so much, someone who's given me perspective on the saying “the world doesn’t revolve around you.”
My little brother is my best friend. Although he's three years younger than me, I feel as though he’s my twin. We've grown up in a supportive home, and have always been very close. As we’ve gotten older we've distinguished differences in our personalities and interests, but those differences has only made our relationship stronger.
Because I'm the older sibling, our mom’s concerns about my future are constantly hounding me. I’m the first kid to go through the process of finding independence, and sometimes my little brother gets put into the background. He doesn’t mind, as he’s never liked the spotlight on him, but I can’t help but feel guilty. He's always been someone I go to for advice, and to vent with, so I always make an effort to be there for him. Even though I am supposed to be the big sister, the strong figure my brother can always go to, sometimes he’s the older sibling. We depend on each other and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
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Actually, after reading most of these comments, I’m really glad I’m an only child.
my siblings and i rarely get along so i hope my future children get along better.
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Having a relationship with your siblings is a good thing. Playing when you are younger helps you build a healthy relationship with your siblings. It is sometimes hard to maintain the relationship with your siblings if they are older or younger than you. Parents want their kids to have a good relationship with each other.
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This article shows that sibling rivalries start at a young age but if these little things do not happen it will grow into a life long thing. Many children do not get along with there siblings at a young and then grow up to them being very close. One thing Kate Lewis says is that if they are arguing is to put them in "time out" together. This will help them to understand that there are no favorites and that they should be king to each other. One last thing Kate said was that they all need to focus on the fun, yes they may be arguing but do not want to put your self in the bad cop good cop situation where when the children grow up all they remember is the trouble they got in.
sibling rivalries start off when we are infants. no matter what siblings will always try to one-up each other
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@Ruben
True, if parents put their finger on the scale to favor one sibling over another. Otherwise, parents can do a lot to help siblings manage rivalries into friendships.
1
When they fight send them both to their rooms unless one is being abusive. Avoid taking sides. Never criticize or praise one against the other.
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We can trace the sibling rivalry right from when the baby, the second child, is in the mother’s womb. With the parents’ attention mostly centered on the newborn, the elder sibling might start feeling neglected.
Also there are innumerable cases where the parents may tend to play favorites among their children. This not only makes the less favorite child yearn for the parents’ attention, but also gives rise to undue jealousy among siblings, which then translates into rivalry.
Dr Rachna Khanna Singh, HOD-Holistic Medicine & Psychology, Artemis Hospital, Gurgaon hits the nail on the head, when asked about the need for the parents completely do away with comparing between their children, “Comparison, to a certain degree, is normal. If parents are comparing one child to another only to motivate him or her, it is absolutely alright. But there is a thin line between motivation and criticism. When criticizing the child for every little thing he or she does while praising the other becomes a routine, it is sure to pose a big problem. The child may start feeling incompetent which, in turn, would make him or her target the sibling. The child might start viewing the sibling as the enemy.”
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I have 2 sisters and did not become best friends with one of them until my early 20's. In my 30's now she is the single most important person in my life. The other one has major mental illness so it's a different story. Just wait it out parents, relationships evolve and change when the hormones level out!
7
Unfortunately, sibling harmony can fly out the window when they are older and one picks a partner who feels jealous/threatened by a close sibling bond.
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Don't compare them with one another. Let each sibling be their own individual. Be fair.
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As far as chore sharing, I'm reminded of a formula for working boys developed by an old yankee mom: one boy = one boy; two boys = 1/2 boy; three boys = no boy at all.
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Dave, what does that mean?
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@Mary Rose Kent That boys distract each other and will play rather than work, I think. How this is relevant is a question I can't answer.
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Born in '45....growing up in the 50s....parents didn't read articles on siblings or pay us, but somehow we got along, played with each other....I watched my younger brother outsides as other older sibs did....and to this day, we love, respect and treasure each other....maybe more common sense and love, along with standards set by parents....and fewer articles on every aspect of growing up!
2
My younger brother & I fought like rabid dogs from the same litter as children. There was fur and blood flying. I was abused; he was the favorite to the point that my father would hand him $1000 for Christmas in front of me while giving me zero (father is Asian). Brother reached into the backseat and gave me half. But because I was the abused girl child and first born-and my brother who was the prize- he actually began protecting me from abuse when he was 2. Fast forward through 15 childhood years of scrapping and adversity, lack of parental support through young adult trials such as divorce and job loss... brother is my BEST FRIEND in adulthood. The best human on the planet as far as I can tell. I cannot relate to this parental cultivation of connection whatsoever. I think it may come down to a feeling of teamwork, as an earlier commenter remarked.
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I see this at childcare - the older sibling naturally wants to care for their more vulnerable younger sibling - the younger naturally wants to follow and feel supported by the older
so - younger gravitates towards the older - older gives the younger a hug - younger smiles - happy again - rinse and repeat.
Unless there is an obvious mismatch/imbalance in personalities or something else (I never got on with my sister - Scorpio and Gemini)
in one case the younger was the most gorgeous, the older was relatively plain - the older tended to look unhappy and left out in the shade of their dazzling sibling
In another case the older brother walked around shouting like a bully, and his younger sister generally looked unhappy and anxious - he apparently did care for her, but I suspect all the shouting made her anxious.
I try to encourage inclusiveness - if two kids are playing together and another comes to watch, who might otherwise have been ignored by the first two - I'll ask the third a question, the other two turn to look, and typically engage - and now there are three ! - enjoying playing together ...
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Most importantly, be scrupulously fair with your children. If you have a favorite keep it hidden. Spend time with all of them, equally, not just the one who you think "needs it most". Playing favorites, giving unequal attention, is guaranteed to sow conflict amongst your children.
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Learning the techniques discussed in this article would help your children get along better with everyone they encounter in their life, not just their siblings. Having said that, the best thing you can do to help your children get along well with others is to provide them with the genes for a temperate personality.
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@Madeline Conant
I laughed so much at your last line!
1
The closest siblings I know came from somewhat dysfunctional families and learned to rely on each other during the difficult times.
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My sons are 30 and 26 and have always been best friends. Grew up with no television or video games. They went to a wonderful grade school with no homework so they had a childhood. Most school holidays they only had each other to play with. Lots of Legos and if they went outdoors, they made up their own games since we didn’t give them much equipment. When they fought they had to talk about it and work out an agreeable solution. No quick fix. Sometimes it took a long time to negotiate. Sometimes we just laid down the law and said there is absolutely no room for cruelty or hitting. Made them look at each other’s faces if they caused the other to be sad which they really hated to see. Or when happy being with each other, I would comment on what I saw.
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I pay my teenagers to play with their baby brother — 25 cents per board game or picture book read. Do I wish they would do it voluntarily? Yes, but I find they are much more patient and accommodating when they are getting paid.
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A nurse at the hospital set the tone for my kids' relationship. The day after my son was born, my 2-year old daughter came to visit. He was positioned at the other end of the room in a crib so her first sight wouldn't be of him nursing in my arms. But she showed no particular interest in the newcomer. Then a nurse came in and picked up the baby. "Boy, he's cute," she said to my girl. "Can I take him home?" My daughter gazed at her in amazement. "He's my bwudder!" she said indignantly. And they've belonged to each other ever since.
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When I was 11, my sister sided with a neighbor who was treating me poorly. I was the eldest and therefore usually the one in trouble but this time, she got into enormous trouble. My otherwise gentle father lit into her and said “in this house you can kill each other but outside this home, you are a unit”. It may have been a partial lesson, but my sister and I united and bonded and some 40 years later, she’s my best friend.
With my kids, I took the lesson further. When one kicked the other one out of our family, at age 3, I intervened and made it clear their relationship was nonnegotiable and important. Our twins are genuinely best friends. They work out their problems “using their words”. They are a little codependent but I wouldn’t trade their relationship for anything. Long after we are gone, they will have each other. More than that, both of them are truly capable of adult relationships because they learned from an early age the language of conflict and negotiation.
Putting it another way, they were taught that everything is negotiable except for their relationship.
Not all people are compatible, true, but the idea that the sibling bond is an important relationship is key. It may not always yield best friends but it will at lest put them on a better path.
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Your story is the closest to ours that I've read. When our kids were little if they brought their fights to us by tatteling , "she isn't ..... or she's..." we always said, "you are fighting for the wrong team. Someday we'll be dead and gone and you will only have each other." Looking back it sounds harsh, but it was always said with love and some humor. They grew up close and today as adults are all each others best supporters. Our greatest accomplishment in this life.
Mom and Dad modeled good behavior. They genuinely liked us, and we 5 kids liked each other. We moved often, so we were each other's playmates. As the "baby", I was adored like a pet kitten, fed like a baby bird the crumbs of knowledge they brought home from upper grades, and in turn, I worship the ground they walked on. We looked forward to seeing each other when college break time came. We live far apart now, but text at least each week, about the weather, current events, happy memories. I wish all siblings could enjoy what we have.
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My grandsons fight with each other. Their parents can monitor them at home, but when they visit me, especially during sleepovers, their fighting ruins my time with them. I came up with the idea of giving each one $10 when they are picked up the following day IF THEY REFRAIN FROM FIGHTING IN MY HOUSE. It really, really works.
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@Ruth Cohen Play cards with them, or some board game. The two of them together against you. My grandma used to do this when we were young. Forced teamwork! To quote you, it really really works.
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@Ruth Cohen - 'money changes everything' ?
1
Retired pediatrician, here.
Just as adults fall onto spectra of kindness, intelligence, and abilities, so do kids. They’re unique. We can only try to forge good bonds.
Here’s what moms found helpful in my practice to avoid the need for a striped shirt and shrill whistle. These are for relatively well-matched kids in age, size, like 6-8 year olds.
“You can hit, but not hurt.” This helps with rambunctious kids.
“Take your argument outside.”
“Solve it yourselves.”
Sadly, some sibs are nearly strangers to each other because of temperament or even mental illness. Never force a child to do more than their share of the getting along. Do protect them from predation.
Conflict is a part of life and kids learn to handle it with siblings. Hopefully.
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@Dr. Dixie thanks for your point about mental illness and differences in temperament. My brother is mentally ill and is on and off his medication. I've learnt over the years that he can get violent and cannot be reasoned with at times. So I've maintained my distance. My sister and I are of totally different temperaments. So I'm not really in touch with either of my siblings which is not how I imagined things would be. My mother was very close to her siblings growing up and I think it is true that she took her own children's sibling bonds for granted while we were growing up.
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Estrangement is sad, but sometimes necessary, especially if you fear for your safety. I am sorry for your loss of sibling warmth.
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A dear friend of mine lost her opportunity for a sibling relationship because her brother molested her when they were kids. Sibling relationships in these sad circumstances can become impossible. Thank you for bringing up mental illness and the importance of protecting kids from predation.
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With siblings, a lot seems to be luck. I've got two kids almost three years apart. Girl first, boy second. They shared a room for years which probably helped, and we are always careful to avoid insidious comparisons, but mostly they are very different people so they get along. There is simply no reason for rivalry. Awfully nice for all, though, when the almost 17 year old takes the just 14 year old to a coffee house (where one gets tea and the other gets some dreadful sugary milkshake drink) Different kids!
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I'd bet anything that how parents treat the children is one of the prominent, long term factors in how siblings get along. Few parents treat their children fairly. There are lots of reasons that's the case and it's nearly always the case. Parents will say otherwise, of course.
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@A
I noticed right away that parents treating their children fairly wasn't even mentioned. If you don't treat your kids fairly, it's a huge source of lifelong resentment. Apparently the author considered it a 'given', but as you, it's anything but.
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@A From my personal experience it played a huge role. As preteens, me and my sisters got along fairly well, we fought sometimes and other times we played and sometimes we did both simultaneously, but overall it was all in good fun.
When I was in my early teens, my parents got busier with work and studies. As a result, we were often alone during large portions of the day and had to cook for ourselves a few times a week. Since I was the youngest, my parents relied on my sisters to babysit me. They told me my sisters were 'in charge' and that I had to listen and do what they said.
Early teen me was just reaching puberty, and dealing with an inferiority complex without having the mental capacity to realize it and communicate about it. Being told that my sisters were allowed to boss me around, felt like my parents told me that I was worth less. I revolted against the persons available to revolt against: my sisters. My sisters resented being charged with taking care of someone else on such a regular basis, their patience was thin. We fought nearly every day. It got ugly and it certainly wasn't nice or in good fun.
Now, as an adult, I realize our parents just wanted me safe and cared for. But I see that the power differential they created towards that end, as well as the unwanted responsibility for my sisters, severely damaged the relationship between me and my sisters at the time. Luckily, we're adults now and we can see each other's perspectives. Things are good again.
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My kids were allowed to "disagree", but not to "fight". The focus was always on the way they argued: no yelling, no name calling, certainly nothing physical was allowed. If that line was crossed,then everybody was in trouble. "That is not the way you treat family" was the overreaching principle.
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My parents had no special technique other than telling us to “get along.” We shared bedrooms since there were seven of us. Fighting was pretty common.
We pursued college and careers without a whole lot of closeness. But mom always shared what was going on with others. For the past dozen years, although we don’t get together often (due to distance)we enjoy each other very much.
In contrast, my husband’s Greek family that lives in close proximity pretty much has no desire to connect. His parents tried to model the importance of family, but it did not have a lasting effect. The key difference: his mother rarely informed us of family news. She felt she was protecting everyone’s privacy, but this ended badly: family members stopped caring about each other.
Facilitating communication is the most critical thing parents can do once their children become adults.
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My four kids grew up in a rural area and had each other for playmates. Looking back, there were two things that cemented their sibling relationships—eating dinner together every night (and these dinners were full of lively discussions) and significantly limiting TV (no TV in the summer.) As adults they remain extremely close despite their geographical difference. They check in with each almost daily and our family gatherings are never missed. They seem to gain strength from each other to face challenges.
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Our two daughters are nearly three years apart. They are the same age as another pair of sisters, who are slightly more than three years apart. The duos were classmates for 12 years in school, so I observed them often. Their mother, like myself, had a younger sister. Before the second daughter was born, she told me she was excited to have another girl and hoped her girls would be close. Guess what. Mine are close and hers are not. Their respective personalities either mix or do not. You can create “togetherness time” and engineer mutual respect, but, like everything else about babies, you get the one you get, no replacements, no returns.
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@New Yorker
Thank you for saying this!! My kids (3 years apart) get along great now that they are both in college. They are like chalk and cheese and believe me, if I tried any of the suggestions here, they would have bombed.
Best way to "raise siblings who get along" is to have compliant, copacetic kids. Also, "siblings who get along" don't always get along in adulthood, when they need their family support the most...
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If only my three daughters, each born a year apart, who were quite close growing up (except for snatching another’s piece of clothing and wearing it) were closer now.
They all work hard, have nice kids, do their part for society, really, all that - but they sure don’t depend on each other or seem to seek the other’s company like a mother would probably like to see. They live close, an hour or so driving distance the farthest.
Maybe I stressed being independent way too much somewhere along the way.
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@MIMA
Don't blame yourself over your girl's closeness, life is a process- it could be spouses, or just the busy-ness of life- Sometimes a 'family day' for all of you can start to pull everyone together. Families are complicated.
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@MIMA My 3 sisters and I are now all closer in our 40s than we were in our 20s and 30s, though we live spread across the US and Europe. We now text, email, and call regularly through the week. Don't despair.
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@MIMA don't blame yourself please ! sibling relationships, like all relationships, can evolve. I was closer to one of my two younger brothers when we were kids (the age gap was closer to mine). Then, when I was in college, our relationships shifted, and I was closer to the youngest one, who I finally recognized as a whole person. Now we all have a different closeness again, as adults.
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