Welcoming a Grandchild, Right in the Delivery Room

It never occurred to me to invite my mother (with whom I am very close) into the delivery room. I'm a pretty private person, and have been since I was a kid. A few weeks before delivery, I found out my mom was deeply offended that I wasn't planning to have her in the room, as this was apparently something that she had been expecting, but never voiced to me. This ended up causing both of us a lot of pain and anxiety. I didn't want to hurt my mom, but also wanted to have this moment with my husband. My husband help me stay firm in what I wanted, even though I was tempted several times to just give my mom what she wanted because I thought I was being selfish. Ultimately, my mom did come to the hospital, but stayed in the waiting room. I was glad to know she was close-by, but enormously relieved she wasn't in the room. I ended up having complications and an emergency c-section, and I would never want my mom subjected to seeing me in that kind of danger or pain. I know every family is different, but I could have done without the extra pressure of feeling like I was letting my parents down by wanting privacy in the delivery room. Grandparents, I think the safest bet is to assume you're not invited in the room unless you're explicitly asked otherwise.

Your description of the quiet way you supported your own daughter for the birth of her baby is so moving. It's how I imagine I would approach bubbehood--not that I even have any children, but still.

As an L&D nurse, I think the most important statement in this article is "Nobody is entitled" to be there. The woman giving birth is usually vulnerable and exposed- both physically and emotionally. It is HER choice- and hers alone- who she feels comfortable seeing her like that. Everyone should respect that.

I’m present for the labor but then there hits that pain threshold where I am unable to bear my daughters’ suffering and they ask me to retreat to another role - outside the room. But I’m good for holding babies through their first night outside momma and singing to them all night long. And reminding them of their first night of life concert when they are older.

I know a lot of moms who have been asked to be with their daughters in the delivery room, or during labor, or both. My sister was deeply honored to be asked by her son to be in the delivery room, with the consent of his partner. Our daughter in law wanted her mom with her, but not me/us. I’m thrilled there are choices, but I utterly believe what the article says - it is *not* about you. And the mom (and to a lesser degree, dad) can change their mind at any instant and it is your responsibility to go with the changes. I salute the woman that was present for the birth of both her granddaughters and her great-grandson. Yet another benefit of living longer.

To each their own, I guess. But of course, articles like this will be emailed 100k times, used to guilt trip daughter-in-laws. "See? Even the NYT says I NEED to be in the birthing suite!" Ick. Where are the comments from medical staff noting that stress can stall labor, lead to complications, even C-sections? As this becomes a norm, who is standing up for the private birth? It'll spread like a virus among the Facebook grannies. A notch in their social media belt. Ick, I say again.

My first grandchild is about to turn one and I've taken care of him since my daughter when back to work when he was four months old. I think I'm a pretty hands-on grandparent - He's an early riser so I even take care of him in the morning so she can get a reasonable night of sleep. I wasn't asked to come into the delivery room and I am just fine with that. I'd rather not. I had four children in the late 80s/early 90s and I didn't want anyone attending the birth. And I didn't want pictures of the birth. I guess we are just very private people.

As mother of mother-to-be, I’m present for the labor but then there hits that pain threshold where I am unable to bear my daughters’ suffering and they (daughters) ask me to retreat to another role - well outside the room. But I’m good for holding babies through their first night “outside momma” and singing to them all night long. And reminding them of their first night-of-life concert when they are older.

My daughter just had a little girl. She invited me to be there during labor but when it came time to push wanted to be with her husband only. For me the fact that I could comfort her during labor was more important than being there for the birth. My daughter in law just had a little boy and I wasn't asked to be there which was fine. Her mother was there during the delivery which seemed strange to me but after reading this article I understand it better.

On the 19th, a few days ago I had the honor of being there, "there" there--in the delivery room with my daughter as she went into acute labor and gave birth to a beautiful (but of course, right?) baby boy. her second child. This gets sticky, the etiquette part I mean. The last time was over two years ago and I was there, invited and surprised and moved by this. But then she asked me to sit down in a comfortable chair a bit far from the group (her husband, a friend, a PA, a nurse and the OB. I was hurt but thought she asked this because my balance had been off for some time since I'd had chemo a few years before. I debated: it's her time, her delivery and her experience, right? I shouldn't budge or protest; but still I was undecided. She asked me a couple of minutes later how I was and I responded that I didn't see why I was sitting in the chair. She threw at me a rather mild, "I don't need this now", and I resigned myself to being put in my place. But miracle of miracles a minute later she asked me to come and stand by her. It turned out I could help and stay sturdy and hold her back up while her husband was there-- needed at her legs. She turned to me shortly after the birth and said she was glad I was there. There is no formula for any of this. Ours is not a clingy or overly fraught relationship though our whole family is on the sensitive and emotional side. It was beautiful, both times. It turns out I'm glad I spoke up. This time I never sat in a chair.

My four daughters invited me to be present at the time of my grandchildren’s births! What an honor, a blessing, and a beautiful experience to share. Had I not gotten “the invite,” I would have respected their wishes! Of course, I let the Dads do the major helping throughout labor and delivery, and I thank them also for allowing me to be at this sacred event! The bond between mother/child/grandchild became even stronger. Such an emotional, beautiful, and special celebration of a new life!

I spent almost 25 years as a certified nurse-midwife, helping pregnant women to sort through this very question: who do I want to be present in the room while I'm giving birth? With most of the births I attended being out-of-hospital, women had significant control over that decision, and it was often a tough one. What I learned over the years is that women experiencing an unmedicated birth need to be able to "let go" in labor - to sometimes swear, bellow, whine, cry, whatever they need to do to surrender to the process of birth - and it could be awkward to have parents in the room (not to mention the inhibition that comes along with some degree of nudity, especially in front of in-laws and dads). The mothers of laboring women, who may have had heavily-medicated births themselves, sometimes became openly (and unhelpfully) distressed at the pain they perceived their daughters going through. Having "spectators" at labors and births was often a drag on labor progress, and I not-uncommonly had to encourage "guests" to go out for a very long cup of coffee in order to give the laboring woman the privacy to do what she needed to do in order to give birth. Still, under the right circumstances, without pressure of obligation, some of the very best labor support can come from the mother of the birthing woman - there is nothing as calming as a loving maternal voice whispering "you're doing so well - you are so strong and I'm so proud of you right now." It can be a gift for everyone.

I longed to have my mom in the room with me when I gave birth, but we just didn't have that kind of relationship. My friend's mom was an L&D nurse and was a fantastic birth companion. I would love it if my daughters invited me into that room but of course I will respect their wishes entirely.

As a former Nurse-Midwife and labor nurse, I have attended at least 1000 births. Being at my grandson's birth, however, was a whole different experience. Indeed: it was one of the peak moments of my life. I felt like my heart had been broken open on a deeper level than I had ever experienced. I saw how utterly innocent he was and I realized that we are all are born in that state as well. I am so grateful to my daughter and her husband for allowing me to be there.

Great column, Paula, but to each their own, I think. I can’t imagine my daughter or daughter in law wanting me in the delivery room and honestly, I am just as happy being there after the birth. Those early moments are so important, but for me, they can start a few hours later. However, I agree that figuring this out is great training for being a grandmother or grandmother in law and learning when to step back as well as be present.

I would have welcomed being invited to my granddaughter's birth, but as the MIL had no such expectations. I like hearing that the trend is not to exclude anyone that the mother would like present.

My mother was too far away to be in the room with me when I gave birth to my two children. I don't know if I would have invited her in, even if she'd been there. My father and step-mother were in the hospital when my eldest was born, and I was very glad they didn't want to be in the room where it happened. I didn't want them in the room, and I didn't want to hurt their feelings, either. I will gladly go in or stay out, whatever my children tell me, when it is my turn to be the grandma. Oh, how I hope to have a turn at being a grandma!

My MIL showed up in my hospital room when my son was born 26 years ago. It was an incredible violation of privacy from someone who did not really like me very much. I was essentially unclothed and in severe pain. My (ex) husband got her and her camera out of the room pretty quickly. I do not think this is a trend that needs to be perpetrated.

My daughter asked that both I and her mother-in-law be in the delivery room with her and it worked out well. It was a beautiful experience and we both cried when our grandson was born. I was pleasantly surprised when the mom-in-law insisted I hold the baby first as I was a first-time grandma and she had several grandchildren from another son. I'm so glad my daughter was so thoughtful and inclusive - made our families closer.

Glad you emphasized this decision is the mother's alone. It's her body and she's one giving birth. Not even the father gets a say.

Gosh at first I thought this is too much - or, I should say, too much information. But the way it's described, it sounds wonderful though I'd still rather have people wait outside and join me once the baby has arrived.

thoughtful column! i would not have wanted my mom in the delivery room with me!! but if my future daughter-in-law asked me to be there, i would ~ i would however, never ask upfront

It is great that new parents these days have options. When my son was born 51 years ago, all the grandparents were hundreds of miles away. If they had been closer I would not have wanted them in the delivery room. It would have been nice if my husband could have been there but the hospital (Naval hospital, Portsmouth, VA) would not permit it. How wonderful that moms today need not go through childbirth alone. BUT, that said, if they want a more private event, that's what they should get. I am astounded at some of the moms-to-be who write to advice columnists asking how to keep parents/inlaws OUT of the delivery room without them pitching a fit or, conversely, grandparents-in-waiting complaining bitterly that they are not invited to the delivery. Like Paula, my husband and I were delighted to wait until we got the call that we were grandparents to a lovely baby girl. We hopped into our car and drove the 100 miles to see her the NEXT day - after being invited to do so. I confess, we didn't wait too long to actually MOVE those hundred miles so that we could get as involved with that baby, and be as much help to her parents as we could. Now we can cover the ground between our house and theirs in less than ten minutes. And now that little baby has a brother too!

There is no right or wrong way here. What matters is only that people feel free to ask for exactly what they want, and that hospitals know enough to respect those choices. I hope the moment arrives in my family. If my children are lucky enough to have that decision, I will offer to give whatever form of support they may want -- whether that means waiting at home, being in the delivery room, or something else entirely . . . !!

Great piece, and great photos. I adore my mom. But when it came to inviting her or my mother-in-law into the delivery room, please visualize that gif of the fleeing octopus screaming NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

We told nobody about either of our two until they were out. I wanted an unmedicated birth which according to my preparation required 100 percent focus from my husband and myself. Anyway, to each her own. But I do not think it would be a positive development for this to be seen as some kind of norm, which could lead to women extending these invitations out of a sense of obligation or because “everyone does it”. There’s no normal when it comes to optional birth decisions. And there’s no fair either.

When my grandson was born 6 years ago, my daughter and I assumed I could be with her in delivery. She had a C-section, and perhaps that was the reason they only allowed one person... and the dad insisted it be him. We were very disappointed!! I had a home birth with my daughter, and being with her was important to me. Fast forward a few years and the dad is no longer in the picture. I however am helping raise my grandson (we share a home). I wish I'd been able to share that experience with my only daughter, but I just appreciate getting to be with the boy on a daily basis.

This is a beautiful article that brings back happy memories. We were so lucky when our daughter-in-law invited my wife to stay in the delivery room for the birth of of our first grandchild almost three years ago.

My husband and mother were such important sources of emotional support for me when I delivered my first child. I could have done it without them, as many women have, I suppose, but I am so glad I didn’t have to.

I lost my beloved Mom last year unexpectedly. We had an incredibly close relationship. However, I was perfectly fine and immensely grateful to have my parents in my room AFTER the birth, to celebrate. I really wanted the gift of intimacy and lack of distraction our babies and we deserved during labor and delivery, as a couple. I have no problem with others having additional family members with them, but for us, it was unnecessary and not appealing. The way we did it allowed my husband to step up and care for me and for my entire focus to be on him and our baby. It was amazing and one of the few times in our marriage we were not multitasking!

I found Span’s article on grandparents participation in the birth of grandchildren a bit simplistic. Extended families are filled with complicated relationships. While it is wonderful and joyful fo those who are privileged to witness the birth of a grandchild , those who are not invited to be part of this intimate event may find what should be a joyful event becomes filled with pain and hurt. Perhaps an article exploring some of the issues that can arise when the doors of the labor room are opened up would be more realistic.

As a family med doc, I did many deliveries in my early practice. I did have some that resembled family reunion picnics, complete with snacks and cameras. I concur that the birth experience should not be medicalized, and that it should be a personal and memorable experience for everyone in the room (especially the parents). But I will observe that sometimes these crowd-source events seemed more like an 18th century royal birth in France - with little privacy for the mom. There are often people jostling to get the "best" and "first" pic for social media. The resultant effect was more chaos than celebration...and nurses/midwives/ docs were bumping into guests and experiencing multiple distractions...which can be impactful when the rare, but important, complications suddenly arise. As a mom and one day a grandmother, I would personally love to watch the birth of my grandchild. But what is more important to me is that my child and their partner have a private and memorable experience..in the manner THEy, not me, would chose.

Luckily my daughter gave birth to our first (and only) grandchild in a large hospital labor room, as she invited any family member who wanted to witness the event. Her husband, her father and I, her in-laws, her sister, my sister, her in-laws' parents, some cousins, etc. were present. Then there were the six med students/interns holding her legs during the pushing phase. It was a crowded, somewhat uproarious, joyous event. We are not a decorous family on either side, and my daughter wanted her birth experience to be a reflection of her life of extended, close-knit family. My son-in-law was an employee of the hospital, so maybe that was why we were allowed to have unlimited people in the room. It was amazing to behold the tiny head of my grandson emerging into world.

As a labor nurse, I take a moment to ask all guests to leave the room so I can review patient’s records and assess them privately. At that time I ask laboring moms who they want in the room at delivery. Does your family know that you prefer only your partner there, or not your second cousin? If not I also let them know, I will be the bad guy, if people need to be asked to leave during the appropriate times. Otherwise, the major limits are the physical space of the room and the equipment. After all, I won’t be attending your Family Reunion or Thanksgiving for years to come. I can take the blame.

Forty-six years ago, my husband and I welcomed our first-born son into the world, followed by boy/girl twins 2-1/2 years later. Fast forward 38 years, when my daughter asked me to join her in London for the impending birth of my first grandson. I traveled there for the sole purpose of supporting my daughter and son-in-law in every way possible, and they invited me to be with them for her labor and delivery at St. George's Hospital. When comparing the sterile delivery room of the 1970s -- my "natural births" under overhead lights, on my back, feet in stirrups, a "just-in-case" IV drip in my arm, wrists secured to prevent touching sterile drapes, but thankfully my beloved husband by my side -- to the 2011 hospital maternity ward in London where my daughter, in the company of her husband, her doula and myself, gave birth on her knees under low lighting, calming music in the background, and the midwife down on her knees, as well, to guide my grandson into the world -- it was like experiencing two other-worldly dimensions. Fortunately, the U.S. has progressed over these past fifty years, and there are now birthing centers and hospital maternity wards that are more welcoming and supportive of expectant mothers and their families -- but there is still much to be learned from the European approach to midwife-assisted childbirth and aftercare with home visits to ensure the well being of new mothers and their babies.

Exactly right: this is the first moment we grandparents get to practice our role of stepping back and following the new parents lead. My husband and stayed in the waiting room when grandchild #1 was born and we stayed at home with grandchild #1 when #2 arrived. I admit I felt slightly disappointed at not being invited in to the birthing room for #1 (other Grandmas were already boasting that they were). But upon reflection I think that decision was right. That moment, the beginning of a new family, is the most intimate moment of all for a husband and wife. There’s something really lovely about them having it to themselves. That said, if there’s ever a next time and I’m invited in, I’m going!

“It’s not about you”— my mother epitomized selflessness in my labor room. She had four children herself and worked as an L&D nurse early in her career. She said comforting things when I needed that, and when I snapped at her for rubbing my back (I’m sure anyone who has given birth can relate to my state of mind), she backed off immediately. My dad was in the room, too, which I know is a little unusual. He wasn’t present for the birth of any of his children and honestly when the time came I didn’t care who was in the room. Having my mom around in the days before my daughter was born, during her birth, and doing SO MUCH to help after was SUCH a gift. She passed away in 2013 and that time is one of my fondest memories of her.

I had the privilege of a doula for both of my childrens’ births. For my second birth, my MIL came over to watch my older child so we could freely go the hospital when things progressed. My preference had been to labor at home with the doula for as long as possible. I had a wonderful birth experience for my first child using the same plan as the hospital was very close to home. But the second time around, my doula said it’s time to go to the hospital at a relatively early part of labor and I was confused and didn’t want to go so early but she insisted. I thought maybe she was worried the second birth would go faster. Days later, she told me that once my MIL was in my home, my contractions stalled and my labor did not progress. I did feel the energy of my MIL’s anxiety and how much trouble she was having me seeing me groan through the pains of my contractions. I feel it’s so important to be mentally comfortable during labor and for me, that would only include my husband in the room. But honestly, it took a non-family member, highly skilled doula to notice the impact. I was too in my own focused attention of getting through contractions and keeping comfortable that I would not have been able to advocate for who should or should not be in the room once my labor started.

Sure, it can work if everyone can act like adults. And if that’s what mom wants, she should definitely have it. But, a new baby has a way of intensifying family feelings, even the bad ones - guilt, obligation, competition, anxiety. I fear that some women, already apprehensive about the birthing experience and dreading being asked to have the kind of experience this article seems to push, will end up being sent this piece via social media in the coming days.

If, God forbid, there are complications like I experienced when my first child was born, it would cause a great deal of distress for everyone in the delivery room. I would never want my Mom, or other family members, witnessing how close both my baby and I came to not surviving the delivery. The medical staff does not need to worry about escorting visitors out at such a critical time. No thanks...I'll take the proud grandparent photos once the medical staff has had the chance to cut the cord, clean and check the baby and let the parents have a moment alone with the newest member of their family.

I told my mom I didn't plan to invite her for the birth of my first child. And she said thank you, I could barely stand being there for my own four, much less anyone else's. To each her own. If it makes everyone involved happy go for it but I'd hate to see this become yet one more obligation or item for endless agonizing research about doing it "right."

If my daughter requested, I'd support her, but I hope she doesn't. This is honestly the last thing I want to do. I don't understand parents/friends/siblings/children crowded into a delivery room like it's some kind of weird entertainment. My guess is that they are probably in the way, and are not at all helpful.

I was invited by my daughter and her partner to be in the delivery room when my grand daughter was born. She had a midwife, so it was me, her partner and my oldest daughter, all there supporting her. At times, it was tough seeing her progressing through the birth. We all found our places, taking cues from her, as to where we were needed. I was there as a helper and a witness. When my grand daughter was born, I ended up cutting the cord, since her father didn’t have a desire to do it! The whole day was amazing and I was blessed to be able to have been there. I’d do it all over again. It was an honor to be asked to be there. I am forever grateful.

My mother was present for the birth of my eldest child thirty years ago—I didn’t realize we were ahead of the curve :-)

My mom was in the delivery room with me when I had my daughter 17 years ago. My husband is quite squeamish and was grateful for the extra support. He stayed up by my head and my mom was at the 'business' end. My mom was the first family member to see my daughter and she yelled out "Jennifer, it's a girl just like we wanted!!!" Such a happy memory for me.

Only a few generations and we are uncomfortable with death and birth, both life affirming and life changing passages.

My son and daughter in law wanted me with them for the birth of their first. I thought that I would just be ready to see baby as soon as he was born and just be there to provide help for their first days. I was surprised — and a little taken aback when I realized they wanted me right in the delivery room at the birthing center. I was hesitant! But I decided to treat it as an honor and privilege. And to be able to hold a newborn within minutes of being born is exquisite. The next baby was born right at home in their tiny apartment. My task was to care for the soon to be newborn’s big brother. Of course it happened in the middle of the night so I had the task of minding the toddler, who also of course woke up and was running around getting into the midwives’ things. But he was able to be with mom and dad and the newborn right away— it was a magical experience to witness. I left them at dawn the new little family all tucked in and warm and at home. While I have mixed feelings about the home birth— if it goes well, it is truly wonderful. The next baby and another daughter in law’s baby were born the traditionally in the hospital, and that was fine, too. I’ll always be grateful to have had unexpected honor of being present at the births of the first two.

I love my Mom but I'd rather not have her in the delivery room...not to talk about my MIL. My mom is a very anxious person and she'd probably just make me nervous and worried. No thanks!

I was invited by my daughter to be there (NYC) for the births of both grandsons. Such an honor. When I thanked her she said, “Who else was going to take pictures! 😊

My grandparents were there when I was born, but it was under different circumstances. I was born at my grandparents’ apartment in Europe during a blackout in 1944. My father came out of hiding to be there, and he and my grandparents held candles so the doctor could attend to my birth.

The only birth situation that I know about, where I anyway had reservations, was a friend who gave birth to her 3rd and 4th child with both older children there - which included her just minted teenage son. Not sure what other people would think. But as a retired therapist I was troubled by this.

I was able to be present in the delivery room when my daughter gave birth to our first grandchild, keeping an eye on "my baby" while her husband watched for theirs. When his brother was born, I was home with him, but was there when he first met this new brother-"Aw, he's so cute! " Both very precious memories.

Thoughtful article with good advice. I was invited to be present for my friend's delivery 20 some years ago. I didn't have children and it was a wonderful experience. Although a lovely photo I'm wondering why people want to have five kids these days...

What a wonderful article and beautiful pictures. Of course, we should have loved ones accompany us in milestone moments, such as giving birth. I would also extend that to the more difficult times relating to illness. Having a loved one present changes the whole dynamic. You can get some well-needed sleep, for example, while the person keeps watch on you and/or the baby.

Thanks for sharing your story with us! I hope I'm invited into the delivery room when one of my daughters give birth!