Teenagers are like toddlers. Treat them
The same way and you’ll be fine. Listen. Explain. Don’t judge. Feed them. Provide basic human needs.
1
As “ Aaron Burr” said to “Alexander Hamilton”:
Talk less, smile more.
1
I recall an incident when I was the chairperson of a college department. A student was in the reception area of the main office. He was angry and becoming belligerent as two staff members either challenged his complaints or indicated that there was nothing to be done. I said to him, "I'm sorry you are upset about this. Why don't you come into my office, and we'll see whether there is anything that can be done." It was like letting the air out of a balloon. He calmed down, discussed the matter, and went away reasonably satisfied with the solution we worked out. He was looking for a solution, but more than anything else he wanted to be heard in a respectful manner. It doesn't always work out that well, but it works more times than not.
6
I just offered solutions to my kids and ignored the other possible reasons they were were talking to me that were mentioned in this article. mistake.
However, I noticed that my son, while dismissing my solutions, sometimes adopted them anyway.
2
I'm a high school teacher, new career, love it, no kids of my own.
Sometime last year the central idea in this article came to me and I stopped offering up solutions, started empathizing with my students more, and started asking them what their solutions might be and (mostly) supporting their decisions. Our relationships (the foundation for all good education) almost immediately improved.
By doing this I'm teaching my students a new skill - listen first.
3
I have just entered my sixth decade and this exactly describes my teenage years.
My mother (father had checked out of parenting) thought she knew all the answers and never held back from telling me what I should do. She did not listen, she did not support, she did not...parent. When something went wrong in my teenage life, she treated it like a moral failing on my part - and then would tell me what SHE would've done.
It always felt like she didn't trust me to make a good decision. Ever.
Needless to say, her behavior continued into my adulthood, and I finally understood that she could not be counted on to have my back.
And she wondered why we weren't close...
4
Spot on....my 4 often need a sounding board, a sympathetic ear and sometimes just to be in the same space. We are all close and truly care about each other, to the point of dropping stuff (when possible) to be with someone when they're in distress.
It's a lovely relationship and one that takes time, nurturing and love.
1
This is why you have two generations of utterly useless adults. With respect to the so-styled "problems" cited, the correct response, to anyone, not just children, is "Yep. That's how life is." On the grounds that Yep, that's how life is. If someone is going to be expected to face genuine problems, address them all, solve a few maybe, but continue rowing through the sludge that is life, he or she BETTER be advised and notified as early as possible that this is only going to occur if you get some practice at it. And practice is facing reality without some knucklehead telling you that you get to hide in the basement until the boogieman goes away. The boogieman does not go away. In fact, he gets bigger and boogie-er as time goes on. THIS is how you deal with a kid's purported catastrophes. And then you have at least some chance of having, some years later, a real boy (or girl) and not a termite hill in a suit.
5
@Kurt Freitag I'm a baby boomer. The young people I know are hard working, responsible adults who contribute a lot to their community. This angry bashing of youth by some older people is ignorant and sad.
1
@Kurt Freitag Did you miss the section on "empathy"?
1
I am stunned that the word "money" did not appear in the article or in these comments. It may not be the first the thing that my teens needed the most, but that is a thing teenagers want.
3
Sure, but sometimes teens really do need advice.
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Telling a parent in our family was like telling every adult in the entire extended family tree with side commentary from all your cousins. Thank god by the time I was a teenager I knew better then to say anything to an adult and that it was likely wisest to just call a cousin or stay quiet.
6
Hmm, used this 'advice' on your personal teens?
Modern teenagers: "Human prefrontal cortex: evolution, development, and pathology" 2012
At 14 my youngest would be 'triggered' if I entered a room and breathed (I am prone to a host of allergies, grass for example, and my breathing can almost always be audible). This was also still during the time, while working roughly 65 hours a week, that I'd get up at 5AM on weekends and drive, for hours (at times) to deliver her to competitions. Video the competitions so she could review them with trainers; get home after dark.
Somewhere between 23 & 26 we engaged in a series of conversations where, as minor element, she claimed to not remember the various 'triggers' for the contempt with which she approached me. I, never, saw the need to press the point and over time we were able to establish adult collegial dialog.
At 14 want did she want, what would have 'satisfied' the void? . . . beyond food, clothing, shelter, access to peer groups, general respect for person-hood . . . as much as possible a stable, secure environment? I'll hold my breath while you let me know.
(the eldest? entirely different story and far more emotionally fraught . . . & quite honestly I do not know you, the authors/editors, well enough to give you access that story)
4
Since we really can't provide correct answers for any other person's dilemmas, I've found with my children that in addition to the items that the author mentioned, is to bring up one or more similar situations that I've gone through and how I handled it. This provides two things:
1. I'm able to run through my thought process with them, as well as the resources that I had and see how that differs with their situation, which creates a rich environment to discuss their situation.
2. It creates a space of mutual vulnerability, where I'm also a human that makes mistakes and has issues must be solved.
I've done this many times in the years I've been blessed with them and I'm very often honored by further deep and insightful revelations about what they're going through.
7
Just BE there. Have family dinners. Drive places together. Take vacations or long weekends. The conversations will happen organically.
16
@Vga As a psychotherapist who has been working with teens for 30 years, I concur. This is where it all starts. Get kids off the screens and back into the world. AND, make sure you join them there! They need you, not "stuff".
Rules:
Not every problem needs to be solved.
Do not give advise unless explicitly requested.
Remember that you do not always have the best answer.
Spend more time listening than talking.
16
A good listener/sounding board, empathy, a shot of confidence, a few ideas if asked.....sounds like what most people (of any age & in all kinds of relationships) want.
16
So basically, teens want to be treated as people.
19
And then in ten years the NYT will publish an article by a psychologist bemoaning parents who did not intercede or offer enough concrete advice and only listened to their kids without assertively intervening and demanding outcomes.
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@Harding Dawson There actually is research to support the author's piece.
3
How do you become old enough to be a parent and not already know this stuff?
2
@J, I didn't. Being a guy, while by mid-adolescence I had embraced, intellectually, affirmation of equality among genders, I remained mired in attempting to understand, communicate with child's mother . . .
Mostly what I 'knew' was that did not want to mirror or replicate the environment in which I was raised. Oddly enough that was an insufficient starting point for parenthood.
Requirement (necessary if not sufficient) for parenthood, whether child is 4 or 14, is that you have to intercede when they are about to enter a tiger's cage. At times they profess to hate you for that.
2
After raising 3 kids now in their 20's I couldn't agree more with the article on teens and solutions to their problems.
I also found the suggestions remarkably similar to what I have been telling my husband when we talk about issues I'm experiencing at work. I don't want him to solve my problems, I want his support, empathy and ideas. I want him to "be there for me" but not tell me what to do!
In essence, this article is good for teens and a good guide for women experiencing husbands wanting to "solve" their problems at work by telling them what they "need" to do.
12
I made the mistake of trying to fix my kids problems when they were teens instead of just listening and it created a huge amount of resentment. We went into family counseling and I learned to be a sounding board. My behavior(problem solver) arose from my own, dysfunctional adolescence.
7
Ultimately, time is the great healer. However, teens are in a phase of life where time is at a premium, and future gains are discounted. Yet, a course of action per the advice given by this article's author Ms Lisa Damour would help them ride over the roughs, and all will be well in due time. Unfortunately, we live in a time wherein narcissistic authoritarians revel in brainwashing just these sort of teens with lethal notions and use them as cannon fodder, ultimately depriving them, and others, of time that could've healed them all.
4
This reads exactly like what I wish my parents could have used when I was a teenager in the early seventies. Our family had just come back from living abroad for a year, and the re-entry and new culture shock left me feeling confused and anxious. It did my brother, as well, but he worked his anger out by physically taking it out on me. Coming back to a somewhat boring town after a big European city was a huge shock. My Father had declared “the party’s over”. I developed a case of OCD, before anyone knew what it was. I rarely disclosed anything personal to my parents, because feelings weren’t a thing in my family. I began to really need an ear about my anxiety, so one day I did break down and told my Mother that I “felt scared a lot,, like maybe someone is after me”, with no other words for it. She immediately told me “well, you’ll have to see someone about that! I had simply wanted comfort. To be heard, and maybe even protected from my Brothers abuse. I allowed myself to be seen my a shrink, who turned out to be a pedophile and covered up his abuse by mis diagnosing me.. But her making that decision made me feel even weirder and broken, and “other”.I may have been helped by a good shrink, or therapist, but what my family needed was family therapy, not having me singled out, especially taken to a criminal.
Her anxiety about my anxiety ruined my life. Dramatic turn of events, but my point is-parents projecting their feelings onto their kids makes a huge mess.
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@IJane Callas I'm sorry that happened to you. Sadly, many of us grew up in families that saw emotions as something to ignore or ridicule. Take care.
3
There are, however, occasions when larger questions arise, real deal breaker so to speak, and at those times the parent has to have the teen's attention with a degree of cooperation. If that's missing at those times, years of discord can arise.
My youngest son got caught at 17 with ferrying a small amount of someone's else's marijuana in his car while both were in his auto, leaving the school yard. The punishment was swift and comprehensive: A hearing at the School Board, both parents required to attend, followed by dismissal at the school and the boy being ordered to perform community service.
At the hearing I was asked to comment and did so, simply saying that it would be wise to exercise caution in picking friends. I don't think the kid ever forgave me. Probably, at the time, in his mind the person that had done wrong was the friend, and what business did I have to imply lack of judgement.
We never spoke about it, but after 40 years, and having a teenage son himself, our relationship has never been better. So I decided to bury it, and leave it that. But I do regret, to this day, for not having spoken out in private. But are any of us perfect?
5
SOME teens/young "adults" have an amazing sense of entitlement and privilege, as in they want everything a sixty year has worked their whole life for at the age of twenty. Since when does life owe you a $300,000 college education, a new BMW and a nice beach house at the age of 22? Please park your entitlement and check your privilege.
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@KHG is that really what we’re talking about? Seems to me that the kids in this article are just asking to be heard.
9
At any age, people prefer to talk through an issue rather than getting "advice".
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So how do you deal with a teen who is skipping class?
I’d ask the child what his reasons were for doing so. There may have been perfectly legitimate reasons.
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@John Mardinly Of course I'd look into what their reason was but barring anything acceptable I'd take away their privileges and ground them.
1
After asking why they are skipping. Articulate why you are concerned about them skipping. Then ask them what actions could be taken to mitigate your concerns. Then if all else fails you might consider asking them what they would do if they were in your place.
I had friends that were bored in school. Skipped to do more interesting things. As long as the grades were good the parents were okay with it. Then I had other friends that skipped to get high or have sex with a boyfriend/girlfriend. They weren’t going to tell their parents that. If their parents were concerned about grades though, they just kept those up.
1
This is a great article. I have three teenagers and a tween. I always strive to treat them with respect. They are amazing humans and they know right from wrong. I truly trust who they are and believe that they have great wisdom, sometime even beyond my own. When they come to me with something, whether it’s “should I wear this?” or “why am I feeling this way?” my first response is always “well, what do you think?” They don’t usually need or want a directive or a lecture, they just need someone to verbally process with. I think the problem that a lot of people have with their teens is they do want to tell them what to wear and how to feel so they just take any opportunity to give their parental viewpoint. We have to let our teens be separate people from us. I may not always like the outfit or the feelings but I do trust who my kids are and I’m completely comfortable with them being just that.
13
This is good advice even for dealing with a partner. I don't have kids but reading this made me aware how I jump in too quickly with "here's what you should do" when the other person may just need to vent and be heard.
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Perfect opinion piece. I've been working with adolescents and their families for 35 years. Adolescence can be a fraught phase in our society. I noticed early on that the vast majority of teens and their parents make it through, usually with improved relationships over time. This holds true for family's with challenging, maybe troubled, teens. The key seems to be if parents can get on board with Lisa Damour's advice. She is absolutely correct that often, kids just want to express their feelings and be met with open, nonjudgmental listening, empathy and supportive feedback. Teens are smart: they know what they can change and what they have to, albeit reluctantly, accept.
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Please don’t forget that if a “teen is troubled” the whole family needs therapy.The worst thing to do is to separate the two, usually the troubled teen is the most healthy member of the family. Even specific “teen counselors” can “other” the human as if they are somehow broken. So much damage can be done at this age, boundaries can get foggy when those treating teens try to become “pals” with their patients, too.Not saying all therapists are guilty of this, but a lot of abuse happens behind those closed doors.
4
Listening and empathy are great but, perhaps parents also need to know important things and find ways to be able to impart facts to their kids. Skimping on sleep is wrong. Teens need more not less sleep because they are going through a second developmental stage of cognitive maturation. Additional sleep supports their developing brain, as well as physical growth spurts. It also helps protect them from serious consequences like depression or drug use.
8
Agreed! I always try to listen empathetically but it is also my job to impart some of my experience about how the world works.
Sorry a complaint that working a “long day” of only four hours is going to get a comment from me about what a normal adult life is going to entail.
1
Don’t forget that teens have different sleep needs and that their bodies are not the same as a working adult.
2
As a grandmother of a 20 years old who is in an incredibly difficult stage of his life with mental health issues I found this article very well written and helpful. It's difficult to hold back from trying to rescue, especially when it seems so clear what needs to be the next step. Throughout his life I have been his touch stone and it's difficult now to take a seat way at the back of the bus while he struggles to sort out his young life. I have learned to gently offer my love and support without offering advice. It is not easy but I know it's best. Short texts (his preferred way to communicate) that simply say "Hello, I hope you are having a good day", (and of course a smiley face emoji) I believe go a long way. The message I want most for him to receive is that while much has changed, and we no longer have the regular contact we shared for many years, one thing remains the same - I am her, I love him and am willing to help if he asks. Even though, for me, the brief, cyber-space connections don't feel like they are enough, I constantly work to keep my heart open with the idea that it actually just may.
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Adolescence plus Covid 19 = disaster. My youngest "lost" her junior year of high school and much of her senior year to pandemic restrictions imposed by school and me. We went around and around over this and the resentment both of us felt grew and grew. Sometimes in life leadership and decision making has to be streamlined and top down. I could not negotiate going out and hanging with friends, especially since I was the primary caregiver of my 94 year old mother. It was a daily, sometime minute by minute struggle. I tried so many different approaches, I was exhausted and I'm sure emotionally distant. Life is back to normal but everyone has suffered and will continue to suffer from post Covid stress and my relationship with my youngest has improved but may never return to what it was before the storm.
9
I think vote of confidence, is probably the best one. No matter how difficult, 'you got this!' Even if it's not perfect, 'you how what you're doing'. Empathy is great too, but 'wow, look what you've overcome'. And believe it, and step back. Having two parents with different approaches, and having my own teens, I notice increasing self efficacy and allowing their identities to bloom is the best gift.
6
My remembrance as a teenager was of parents who really were not interested in their three children’s lives or problems.
All three of us learned to live without their interest or support. There was some acting out behavior but nothing that couldn’t be corrected.
When adulthood arrived all three of us survived, albeit with some emotional damage, but having lived productive lives.
In my case I lost all interest in spending any time with my parents as a result of their own lack of interest in me!
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@Michael Kittle
I should add that my experience with my parents lack of parenting skills and the damage it left me with made me decide to not have children of my own.
I would have been a terrible parent.
My two sisters went ahead and had children with mixed results. One of them believed that she did a terrible job as a parent and never should have had children.
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@Michael Kittle
You made a courageous decision. My oldest son did so, as well, on his own, no expressions of disappointment from his parents.
2
@Michael Kittle
Are we related??
A lot of comments say listening is universal for teens like other adults (friends, family, etc). But these comments miss the author’s point that teens are in the transition from child to adult, so what we did with our child no longer works. But do we treat our teens emotional life as we would a friend, other family member, or patient. I don’t think it’s this either. We are the parent and while we should listen we also need to parent, direct, talk about options and consequences, give different perspectives, share our own personal experiences. And yes express disappointment or disapproval. I don’t think I could nod my head patiently as my daughter told me about abuse she suffers as a sex worker.
8
I do what I have always done no matter what age or stage my son is in. I listen. I try to get as much detail without being obvious or overly interested. Over-interest, too much energy, can make him shut down and unreceptive. I empathize and often tell a story (often with some humor at my expense) of a similar experience that I had. I usually end up showing him that he is actually handling the situation much better than I did. Leave it be for awhile. Circle back, more focused on how I was still thinking about the difficult situation he reminded me of (we both experienced). Give him an opportunity to open up and tell me where he is at with it now. Usually he says "yeah, I thought about that and I'm just going to ..............." Outright telling him what to do never really worked for us. Giving him some food for thought, some perspective that he is not alone, some humor to keep things moving, some options for moving forward and a little "you've got a friend in me" support seems to give him what he needs most of the time.
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@Low-Notes-Liberate
The most astute comment on the topic that I've read so far. This isn't only effective advice for engaging teens, but for engaging anyone. It's also the epitome of good people-management in the workplace. In my experience, individuals who approach business relationships with the these paradigms often skyrocket and cruise in career growth.
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@Remarque Wheel me to the launchpad! I'm ready. Or better yet...let's wheel the next generation to the launchpad. They have to continue to clean up our messes...
2
I am working on this with my two teenage boys. And my wife. My goal is to be the attentive listener (pretty good at that - phone down, eyes on talker, distraction ignored), empathetic and caring. And to not be Mr. Fix It, bristling with The Solution. That’s the big one. Getting there, but my tongue is taking quite a beating!
Part of it is my upbringing. My mother’s saying was, “Advice is the gift of the giver.” And who doesn’t like gifts? So it’s a bit ingrained. That, and my advice is always just so spot on!
Thank you for these articles. They are good reminders.
18
When we were teenagers the problems we had seemed insurmountable. I think that mindset comes with the territory of trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in this world.
My father was rather indifferent to me. He was a brilliant mathematician and scholar, and if any of his children did not measure up to that standard he really wasn’t interested. When I told him at age 11 that I wanted to be an F.B.I. Agent he looked down at me and said, “That’s nice.” And that was the end of the discussion. No coaching or encouragement. No talks about what it would take for me to travel down that path. No guidance.
When I became a Dad to three boys as they were growing up I took the opposite approach: if they talked about what interested them, about what they thought they might want to do with their lives, I was all ears, attentive to their words, and responsive to any plans they might have wanted to put into place to make their dreams a reality.
Was that “helicopter parenting?” A fair question. Maybe. Did I want to help them solve their problems. You bet. And was I at times more than just a listener to their grievances and issues? I plead guilty. I don’t know if that was right or wrong, but my reward now that they are all in their thirties is the pleasure of seeing three extremely well-educated and successful young men who are actually happy with their lives.
19
I never spoke to my mother about anything I experienced when I was a teen. The reason? She was incredibly judgmental. As soon as I articulated the problem, she would jump in to tell me what I was doing wrong, what I had done to cause the issue, or that my friends were the "wrong kind" and what could I expect but trouble? She always thought she knew best. As a result, we grew farther and farther apart and knew each other less and less as the years went on. I wish she had instead followed the advice given here and dialed back her judgement and comments. If you wonder why your kid never talks to you, think about how you react when he does.
21
I find this is also true of adults venting to other adults. Me and my husband try to ask whether the other person needs us to just listen or listen and offer advice. There’s a lot of “just listen, please” - more than we expect!
9
I’m really good at being a non-judgemental, thoughtful listener — for everyone except my teens. With them, my tendency is to jump in, give opinions and try to fix things. I will work on that. Thank you for a helpful article.
17
Many of us are. It’s incredibly humbling to parent a teen.
11
One thing I realized after I became a parent is that I expected and wanted far too much from my parents while I was growing up. I, like most of my friends, yearned for a parent who was a kind of demi-god, caring endlessly and having the solution to every problem. When I became a parent I realized that parents are just people trying to do their best while being overwhelmed by the exigencies of life, a large part of which is trying to care for rebellious yet needy teens. That realization freed me from a lot of resentment and hurt over things that happened in my childhood, and opened my heart up to true understanding and forgiveness.
14
This article really intrigued me seeing how I have a very bold and personal opinion on the matter.
When it comes to problems, parents and teenagers are like oil and water, they don't mix very well. Me personally, I never had the luxury of sharing my problems with my parents and getting any sort of sympathy. I've had experiences in my life where it caused me to not to people, all people. It then translated to a mentality of, "No one else cares enough or is able to fix my problems, so I have to do it myself."
I did end up turning to my school psychologist and counselor a couple of times though, and that helped me more than I thought it would. Not by much, but just enough to get through it emotionally and mentally. Just having that feeling of having someone to talk to helped; an unbiased opinion.
Parents and teenagers clash because parents give off this impression that they know everything, and that the teenager knows nothing. The parents do want to help, but they send off the signal that the teenager cannot help themselves, which lowers their confidence in the matter.
The few times I had conversed with my parents about a problem just off of a whim, their ideas were irritating and irrelevant. It was because I felt judged and attacked with the way they were presenting me with their 'advice;' the tone of their voice was very off putting, therefore I ignored it.
Personally, speaking of matters doesn't help, but I would rather be listened to instead of being given advice.
14
They only thing you can do as an adult is to be ready to listen and provide ideas not instructions to go along with them in the process of finding solutions to what's struggling them. Besides, they are one step away from being adults too and move out.
7
Am I understanding correctly that the parent-provided solution to Joshua's problems was for him to sleep less?
3
This shocked me also. I don’t think people take sleep deprivation seriously enough. It’s especially damaging for a young, developing brain.
10
So many excellent comments here, especially from teens themselves, who are, it seems, more reasonable than the adults in the room. I have two teens who are really starting to communicate on a level that’s actually enjoyable. I haven’t always responded well, but I always apologize to them when I get too critical, as I hope and expect them to do to me.
Adults who think their teens issues are inconsequential, or not a big deal, are not living in reality. What do you say when your teen comes to you with concerns about friends who are talking about suicide, or being sexually assaulted, facing online threats from schoolmates, or concerns about grades and communicating with teachers? They need you to help them figure out how to be adults that can handle the problems of today, not the problems of when you were a teen. That’s your job as a parent.
If we, as parents of teens, are only willing to throw up our hands and mutter “kids these days” without putting the very real work of maintaining and modeling a healthy relationship, then prepare to not have a very good relationship. If you go to you best friend with an issue, and that friend barrages you with complaints about everything you’re doing wrong, refuses to apologize to you for flying off the handle, and then complains about your age demographic to everyone and their mother, how long are you going to keep going back to that person?
12
I am privileged enough to have been born into a life with very loving parents. I can talk to my parents about anything and know I won't be judged by them. I talk to my parents about a lot of things such as what I want to do with my life, society, the purpose of us being here, school, and just life in general. Is it weird that I find it easier to talk to my parents about serious topics than I do with friends? Maybe, but I don't care. When I was younger I used to think that all teenagers were mean to their parents and never talked to them. But I am sixteen and never once not opened up about something to them.
I relate to the article because when I talk to my parents I don't try to sound articulate or anything, I just like to vent. I like to just get my thoughts out and then we analyze and talk about them. Like the article said most teenagers are searching for empathy and just a listening ear and that is the case sometimes but other times I am looking for advice or instructions.
22
Honest question: Do no children on non-liberal parents have these problems? That's a serious question. I grew up among the 1%. Plenty of those kids had LIFE problems, but very few had social problems in school. They flaunted money, bragged about possessions and vacations, and more often than not formed rich kid cliques. If any of them suffered from depression, I was not aware of it. They did feel slights from other members of their clique, but all in all, they seemed to have problem-free lives. the kids who did have problems were the poorer ones trying to exist in a rich kids' environment. In my prep school, one scholarship student from Latin America was very popular, but he was the star of the soccer team.
I do not at all think that money solves life's problems. I know plenty of unhappy wealthy people. But I do think wealth prevents teenagers from having entire categories of social problems. Kids always want to use a rich kids pool, tennis court, or car. Money can't buy love or friendship, but it can buy freedom from alienation.
If you are not wealthy parents, you must, I think, pick a school without any big disparity in income. Unless you're a top athlete or musician, I think it'd be hard to be the poorest kid in school in Greenwich, darien, Rye, or Scarsdale.
8
@Anti-Marx
oops. typos. sorry
3
@Anti-Marx
There is always going to be someone richer than you and someone poorer than you.
1
@Anti-Marx I do not belive that if you have money then that suddenly fixes all of your social problems because every child is different
1
This story’s title strikes me as thought up by The Onion!
As a parent, I have found the best way to turn off lan adolescent is to suggest a “solution” to their problem.
Unless the discussion involves you giving them money.
7
@Richard Smith Of course parents know more about kids than the kids themselves, oh wait. The parent mentality of, "I will solve all your problems for you even if you don't want me to." is bad, and just leads to kids not telling their parents about problems which ends up worse for everyone.
3
Teens are hormonaly very different from adults. They are also far more concerned with status and appearance than parents are. Unlike most parents, they live in a world in which they are judged hourly on looks, style, and coolness. I'm single and don't yet have kids. I use online/app dating. In that world, I feel as if I am judged hourly on looks, style, and coolness (and political correctness). I think doing online dating keeps adults in an adolescent mental state. Married people (many parents) probably don't think all the time about their height, hair, income, lifestyle, cleverness, etc..
If you want to understand your teens better, start dating again. Once you enter the gladiatorial arena of dating, you'll begin to remember how teenagers live and think. For a teenager, every day at school is like a date with the entire school. You are inspected, judged, and assessed non-stop. teens are trying to make decisions against a backdrop of constant assessment. It's like The Maze Runner.
33
Very good comments...
4
@Anti-Marx Well said. Teens live in a judgmental world because by judging others, they are trying to find their own place in the hierarchy. It's a terrible game they invent for themselves, but it is part of normal development. Sadly, it is also a time of suffering for many of them. Some seem to have effortless success. However, peaking at age 18 is about 25 years too early.
2
I hear a lot of parents saying that their kids won't talk to them at all, and then they don't know what's going on in their lives and can't help them. It is important to get into the habit of listening to your child and help them solve their problems when they are even younger. That way they get into the habit of coming to you with their problems.
10
Usually when my kids come to me with frustration with peers or teachers, I just said, "Do u want me to slash his/her tires, I don't mind going back to jail for you." They turned the offer down 100% of the time but feel better after venting and of course knowing that I would go to jail for them. I won't in reality but still makes them feel special.
16
That is really sweet. It's so nice to know someone has your back.
As an almost-not-a-teenager, one of the things that my parents have excelled at is posing leading questions whenever I've found myself needing their advice. For example, when I've come to them in total distress about my future plans, or unsure what path I should take, often the first question is a genuine: "Do you need to know by tonight?" Rarely has my answer been yes, and that helps to immediately remove some of the pressure and tension from the discussion.
Another is "And what have you come up with so far?" Of course, they're alright with hearing that I haven't been able to devise a solution on my own, or that I've only come up with plans that I've since discarded. It feels far more validating and comfortable for problem-solving to be a collaborative process between myself and my parents, rather than a series of diktats handed down to me from on high.
Additionally, one of the most effective ways to pose a solution to someone you care about is the phrase "how would you feel about doing [x]?" - it presents the idea as one of many potential answers, and allows the other person to express their own considerations or modifications, rather than having to give a definite yes or no.
89
This is the best parenting advice I’ve read so far. Thank you.
15
Dear Sarah, I am impressed with your answer. Thank you!
I believe that there are so many outside influences, including those not involving living, breathing people, that today’s teens feel that the traditional family is behind the times.
Not totally new: in the 18th and 19th centuries, novels (the new popular item for a young population that increasingly had become literate) were the bad outside influence.
We all want to be grownup because children believe that all those things we mustn’t do as youngsters will immediately become available and permissible when we’re adults.
Add all the items real and virtual that have entered family homes in the past few years, such as electronics, the internet in all its forms, legalized recreational drugs and vaping equipment. Add in increased motor car availability, and we have a situation where anybody over thirteen finds it hard to believe that they need any traditional brakes on their behavior.
Hope we have no national or international situations that cause society to come crashing into war, poverty, or massive illness. No one will be prepared much less youth.
2
Unfortunately, my problem is "Why Teenagers Reject Parents' Soultions to Their Non-Problems"
"You shouldn't leave dirty dishes in your bedroom" "Not a problem"
"You should change your underwear more frequently than once a week" "I don't think that's a problem"
"You should finish your homework before playing XBox" "Not my worry"
5
Imagine a society where kids simply followed the advise of parents and adults telling them the actual facts of certain behavior. Kids would not drive a car fast, do drugs, act as bullies and engage in acts harmful to themselves or others. But, that's not how life works. Kids are born with instinctive traits that make it necessary for the to learn on their own without regard to what they may know or were told. A kid that drives a car fast is a danger to society and their self, but that same kid two-hundred years ago riding a horse in the same manner was a benefit and blessing to family, the farm and neighbors. Five-thousand years ago that same wild kid was the one that was crazy enough to club a wooly mammoth to death and provide food for the tribe. So, some things we are born with for our benefit, but todays society has moved in a direction where good is bad in most instinctive behaviors. Go figure.
7
Not just teenagers. I have a 30 year old son who acts like a 12 year old girl and has never listened to anything I say nor ever shown any interest in his parents lives. So yeah...
9
Obviously, there is a spectrum of problems that teens and parents confront.
Some of the examples given in the article are pretty benign. It's very easy to channel one's inner "Mr. Rodgers" when the problems don't involve potential damage.
It's an entirely different ballgame when we're talking about drinking, drugs, and destructive social behavior. I can tell you from experience, the "Father Knows Best" or "Leave it to Beaver" interactions go out the window pretty quickly. Unfortunately, there aren't quick, easy fixes. You always leave the door open and push the boundaries of communication as best you can--- and you never quit fighting for your teen's welfare.
12
I think people of all ages have this need to vent and be heard, not just teens. Unless advice is specifically asked for, listening without waiting to reply is incredibly powerful.
24
@Alex R
Do talking and listening truly solve problems? Sincere question. I grew up in a very pro-therapy family. Very talky. Very expression oriented. I've become a more stoic adult. I feel like there's nothing a good run or good day of skiing can't fix. Frankly, I'd rather spend my time reading Proust than venting. I'll have love and patience for my children, but I'll teach them that doing is better than kvetching.
6
@Anti-Marx As someone with multiply-diagnosed clinical catastrophic depression and PTSD, I can say with some confidence that we mentally ill are sick to death, if you will, of being told to "just try yoga" or "exercise more."
Knowing I had a family around and for me no matter what would have made a huge difference in my teens and early adulthood. They meant well, but didn't have the tools or resources to deal with a clinically sick kid - how many parents do? That said, having them there to listen and comfort me would have radically changed my life for the better - as well as my relationship with them.
But go off and tell your clinically depressed child to go for a walk and think on madeleines.
As a Vietnamese parent, I find America's pre-occupation with "understanding" teenagers very odd. Adults already understand what being a teenager is like, because we were all once teenagers ourselves. As teenagers we all wasted a considerable amount of time on things that in the end does mean anything. Now that we're adults, we should straight out tell our kids that "Your problems aren't really problems at all. Grow up! And go study!"
20
@Phong This is terribly tone deaf. The section in the article where "They're Seeking Empathy" speaks to how when you deny them the ability to express their problems then they're not going to confide in you and won't trust or respect you as much over time. It's a different set of values, but it's important to recognize both.@Phong This is terribly tone-deaf. The section in the article where "They're Seeking Empathy" speaks to how, when you deny them the ability to express their problems, then they're not going to confide in you and won't trust or respect you as much over time. It's a different set of values, but it's essential to recognize both.
7
@Phong As @D points out, that will invariably lead to them not telling you which makes it worse for everyone involved.
4
@Phong Let me know in 10 years how your parenting worked out for you. I can about guess what the answer is going to be. If your kids don't call you very much after they move out of your house - I'm hoping you'll be able to figure out why that is.
I was a teenager in the early 90s before the Internet, before school shootings were something everyone had to fear, before cell phones. My kid is growing up in a completely different environment than I did, with a completely different set of problems. His interests, ideas, and hobbies are not a "waste of time," but things that matter to him and things that are helping to shape his personality. Listening to your kids, instead of assuming you know everything already, would help you understand that their challenges and problems are very different than the ones you faced.
6
4ponies, TX
I'm told I'm a good listener. What I do is ask questions when I'm confused about what the talker is saying. Sometimes it's just to define a word. Sometimes it's to understand how one thing follows from something said earlier. I might say, "Wait a minute, can you run that by me again?" A lot of times people don't need advice, they just need a sounding board to get their thoughts organized. Asking questions verifies that you are really listening, not just saying un huh, uh huh, or telling your own story. It doesn't matter if concerns expressed are your kids' or those of your elderly friends.Teenagers are people who haven't had much time to learn all the things life teaches us. What we've learned as adults can't be conveyed to young people. They will learn it themselves, same as we did, but theirs will be different, because our worlds change as we live them. Our concerns will vary over time.
4
Teenager says: Help me with this problem.
Teenager means: Fix this problem for me.
Parent says: You should do this.
Parent means: YOU should do this.
Teenager says: Thanks Dad I'll think about it.
Teenager means: What you are not going to fix this for me!!!!!
4
@zebo I'm sorry that's your perception of what parenting a teen looks like. My perception is very different. Maybe try really listening to your child, and employing some empathy. It would go a long way.
2
How about listening and offering some advice and suggesting they collect other suggestions from others as well. In this way the teen will have an array of suggestions to weigh over and choose from. I think they sometimes want an adult to listen and offer advice (not impose or force these advice on them). They also appreciate if you tell them to hear different opinions and then decide whatever sounds best. This, of course, for advice on "minor" adolescent things (boyfriends and girlfriends, sex, friend and roommate trouble), etc. There are bigger things, sexual harassment, intimidation, drugs, that may need bigger adult intervention and "advice." I'm not sure about the level of pressure the article and many commenters is talking about.
2
In my twenties, I gave my wonderful father a birthday card that read: "When I was little, I thought you knew everything. Then I got older and thought you really didn't know much at all." Open the card and it says: "Now that I'm grown up, I think you know an awful lot. I love you, despite your ups and downs."
13
Like the Cat Steven song with these lyrics:
"From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen"
"All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it
If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them they know not me
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go"
My guess is that most youths feel the same way at some point, generation after generation. It's often called growing up and becoming who we are as separate beings.
7
I think the main thing is to remember that though a teenager is “rebelling”, or being uncommunicative, they’re still needing protection and love, as much as a bird trying out its wings and sometimes falling, they still need parents to help them back up, until the can actually fly. I was without family, from 16-20, and I wish my guardians realized that one” sign of independence “ didn’t make me ready for the real, adult world.
The Sunday NYT had and extensive editorial detailing studies of the teenage mind and its lack of development. It explained that adolescent brains are different than those of adults, making adolescents less likely to exercise impulse control, assess risk or consider long-term consequences. Perhaps this explains why teenagers reject their parents solutions. But a fully formed mind might decide that the teenagers are should follow some of the wisdom that comes from maturity and experience.
5
It seems to me teenagers not listening to the advice of parents or other adults is normal behaviour. For the few that do listen, again it seems to me, that they miss out on the normal experiences of growing up. and one of the reasons many people who have early “goal oriented” success because they did as they were told end up being very shallow people.
3
The information applies to adult peers as well as adolescents. Spouses or good friends have the same needs. Listen carefully. If you have a solution by dint of experience or skill, invite your ideas be presented; don’t assume they are desired or welcome.
17
my son was iced by his group half way through freshman year. we three kept thinking it would work itself out. when it did not, we lightly discussed tactics for moving on. Just before a sophomore year cross country pre meet dinner, my husband said: "ask Dave if he will show you his dad's muscle car. " Our child was by then both paralyzed and desperate, so he did just that. That one suggestion and action turned his high school experience around. sometimes a piece of narrowly focused parental advice is absolutely essential.
29
Since time immemorial, the young have had to find their own way. Few teenagers really listen and that's okay. This is nothing new. I'm not saying you shouldn't be there if a youngster wants to talk but in the end they have to figure it out for themselves just like every generation before them did.
9
I agree that just listening is a good first step. But isn’t the reason a teen would bring their problem to an adult (versus friends) because they sense an adult has more experience and can offer more insight? I’m not suggesting pushing a solution, but maybe offering an anecdote or some life wisdom.
4
@Treetop
The reason could also be that the parent is a 'safe' person, someone the teen knows wants what's best for them, is FOR them, on their side usually, isn't in the midst the soup they're in (as a teen friend would be)
Just knowing they can air their ups and downs with a warm, caring, supportive listener can make a huge difference, even without added advice or insight.
7
If every parent allowed their children to feel that safe, we’d all be in a better place.
Great advice. The ease of implementing it will have a lot to do with how parents and children dealt with problems and adversity in the years prior to adolescence. The prior years matter. Have children been consistently "groomed," from day one, to be effective problem-solvers? Or, when adolescent problems appear, are they "blank slates"?
4
Sigh, such wonderful advice. But, in reality, it is most difficult to implement. Most involved and intelligent parents behave a bit helicoptery when their kids pose garbled emotional problems at their doorstep or worse act on terrible impulses. It’s very glib to say, listen, coo soothing nonsense, pat them and let them stress out. If the problem is trivial, just anxiety about work, grades or general relationships which are inconsequential, yes by all means, having lived longer and waded through a lot, be a listener. Being a parent though means being able to tease out when you need to irritate them with sage solutions, even if they are unwilling to listen at that point. At least with my older kids, I find, while they may be quite annoyed at the proffered advice, it percolates in time and they unconsciously assimilate such help. They may not do as you would have them, but it just might check them from hurting themselves. They also subconsciously realize you really are there for them, always. It’s always easier being a therapist, unrelated, receiving checks, and connecting lines once a week. As a parent you are unpaid, overstretched and are the only folks who really care about the really inconsequential details of your genetic future. So be a listener, but know when to interfere.
18
Great article. I would say listening and understanding are what most adults are seeking as well when they unburden their problems to a trusted friend or partner.
18
@Michael
If you look at stories of relationship fraud, people who use online connections to scam others in so many ways, that is often the in, the hook that builds to relationship. Just watch an episode or two of Catfish, for example... and you'll here "I could talk to them about anything, they really seemed to care about my day, what was going on with me, they were a good listener and so supportive" It's not a bunch of "they made great suggestions and helped me plan XYZ" it was much more about pretending to be a compassionate caring audience. Many people crave that, it's a normal human need.
A person who listens and seems to understand, who gives encouragement "you've got this!" and a welcoming listening ear without judgement... that's what so many people want. Teens AND adults, you're exactly right.
4
I think this is an excellent article. My children are older in their late twenties and early thirties and I still have to tell myself to listen more and give advice less. As a parent the instinct is to help solve their problems, but that is not always requested or needed, but listening is.
Thank you.
14
ALL people want to feel heard and (hopefully) understood.
8
In every human relationship, there is a power and status balance. We know almost instinctively where we stand in contrast to the person with whom we're communicating. I use this knowledge with my family as we have navigated horrifying medical and other crises and I was certain that situations needed to be resolved in a timely way. The solution is to acknowledge your humility by bringing in a third party to the resolution, ie - "if so-and-so were here, what would he or she say to you" (guidance counselor, coach, therapist, boss, etc.) This proves you're listening with discernment and that you don't have all of the answers all the while promoting a potential solution to explore. This is my reaction to extremely controlling parents who steamrolled these situations to my detriment when I was growing up.
4
The impulse to jump in and solve the problem for another has been called, by psychologist Bill Miller, the “righting reflex”. A lot of therapists fall into this trap, too.
As for an amusing view on the “listen, don’t fix” dilemma, I often recommend to my patients (and friends) the brief video “It’s Not About The Nail”, available on YouTube.
And I frequently recommend the book “Get Out Of My Life, But Can You First Drive Me And Cheryl To The Mall”, an excellent guide to dealing with teens. Even the title is helpful.
10
Take out the word teenager and this advice can fit some adult behavior. Especially on social media. Forty years out of high school and I have school mates who still need this type of communication to engage in a simple debate. I'm embarrassed for our public education system.
7
It's not hard, you offer your experience and what you would do, and then you tell them that they need to make up their own mind, create a solution and put it into practice and get ready for the consequences from which they will learn a valuable lesson and you will have their back.
3
Try applying to Trump supporters. Oh, and vice versa.
3
@Jay Sonoma I sincerely believe applying this to Trump supporters is a total waste of time. Their minds are almost never changed...
12
@Peyton Collier-Kerr
And they rarely feel listened to. They always feel they deserve more and are being given the short shrift somehow.
3
@Jay Sonoma
Trump supporters already know everything. They aren’t looking for advice or empathy or new information.
1
This is part of what is wrong with parenting today. God forbid anyone should feel uncomfortable in today's world! Believe it or not, teenagers still want parents to set boundaries, but parents now are afraid to do so. Being a responsible parent still means setting reasonable boundaries, as difficult as it might be sometimes. It is not easy being a parent of teenagers. It has never been easy. What is easy is letting them do what they want to do. Yes, listen to them, let them vent, but also teach them about respect, about accepting personal responsibility for their actions, and about thinking of others. That is part of your job as a parent. Don't give up. They will thank you later. (Trust me, I raised four boys!)
30
@C. J. Wick
It's possibly even more important to have defined boundaries as kids grow older, and -as they should - make more of their own decisions, and more complicated decisions.
It's perfectly okay if they challenge the boundaries from time to time, but having them gives them an emotionally safe place in which to operate their nascent independence - - with fewer risks. This also when done well ( well enough) is their model for how to maintain their OWN boundaries with others. So that they aren't pushovers for peer pressure, and understand how they can stand their ground. Note: girls, too.
2
Definitely wish my parents had read this chill pill when I was young.
9
Good advice. Although at times, parents need to have an opinion. I think being strong as a parent requires listening but also, on rare occasions, stepping in with an opinion. If for example your child is in a destructive personal relationship, you need to have a strong opinion...(I'm not talking about micromanaging here.) They may not act on what you say, but in the back of their minds, they feel validated when they do. I have seen otherwise wonderful parents stand by while their young adult child grapples with a destructive boyfriend or friend. Step in at these moments to say: this is not acceptable. This is abusive and destructive. If. a teen or young adult is ab out to make a serious decision...college, marriage. job, sometimes you have to offer them--after listening--- the wisdom you have gained by spending more years on the planet.
23
You can help explain the world an options without giving advice. teens are essentially adults with the same need for self determination. they just aren't particularly goid at being adults. so, options, background, perspective & potential consequences are all valuable & will be appreciated
4
I have to admit, I still do this with my grown daughters. I always as a Dad want to fix their problems. Why? Because I love them. But, them I have to remember sometimes they are just venting. As a 70 year old, I never did this with my parents. Did not happen back then. So, I am still learning......
20
Certainly some interesting thoughts / advice by Ms Damour, but this was written as if this was fact not opinions. No research presented to back up the opinions and anecdotes. No matter how learned the author, research / data is always more impressive and I really wish some had been provided
6
Growing up I could not trust my parents. Both were drunks. I found my own solutions to problems with no sounding board. Some children learn to grow up fast.
15
I agree with everyone here but sometimes teens are in over their heads and they need adult intervention. This can be true for adults too. If someone is potentially being harmed I will not promise to keep confidentiality, for anyone and especially not for a teen. I will listen well and let them know I now have my own moral obligation to what has been shared. After my daughter told me she was counseling a friend who was worried about getting pregnant I talked to the friend myself and drove her to get birth control at a free teen clinic without involving the friend’s mother, who had refused to be supportive. The girls were both relieved and I carried the burden of responsibility for my decision, as the adult.
15
@Jamie
Imagine another parent deciding your parental decision was unsupportive and acting independently for your own child without your knowledge or consent? Still ok?
6
@Jamie
I have a very strong suspicion that you are a great listener - - thus your daughter trusted you, and her friend also was able to talk to you -
6
"Instead, Joshua’s parents agreed to help him pack an abundance of food to take to school each day. This opened up time during his lunch period and significantly reduced his stress."
Can anyone explain to me how taking "an abundance of food" saved him time at lunch?
3
@Alex R He ate it in class. I am a Biology teacher in a very small town and it really annoys me when students just feel free to eat food wherever and whenever they want, but when I mentioned it, parents had a huge fit that I would dare (as a science teacher in a science lab classroom) impose limits on when they could eat (for example, NOT in the science lab, which is unsanitary in so many ways), "because the bus rides to away games are so long."
It's not a battle I can win.
Many kids use their half hour lunch period not to eat a lunch they packed but to drive off campus and get fast food, which they then consume after lunch in their fourth period class. Another thing I find extremely annoying and unsanitary.
20
@Alex R instead of getting it at the cafeteria or a fast food. Yeah. I know.
1
@Alex R He didn't have to go get lunch. He may have a lunchtime open campus, which eats up at least 30 minutes. This way he can stay put and eat in the library or a classroom while he works.
4
This reminds of the time when our two children, now both in college, were little, about 5 and 8, respectively.
As we have all experienced, kids that age often have difficulties accurately expressing how or what they feel when there is a problem. So my wife, then a huge fan of the new literature on interpersonal neurobiology (Dan Siegel et al.), bought a set of cards that depicted the various emotions a child might feel, e.g., anger, disappointment, or fear, using child-appropriate imagery (for example, a smiley face for happiness). When problems arose, she would then ask our children to pick the card(s) that best matched how they felt.
I was rather skeptical about this approach, which seemed to be blatantly condescending to me, and hence not surprised when both of our kids strenuously objected to the dumb cards. Over time, they came to dislike the cards even more than whatever negative feelings they may have harbored. After a few weeks, all my wife had to say was, "I am going to get the cards ..." and our kids would run into their room laughing hysterically, shut the door, and hide under the bed. :-)
Even today, more than a decade later, the whole family still laughs about those cards on occasion.
The moral of the story, if there is one, is that we parents sometimes make things more complicated than they really are. We may mean well, but often less is more when it comes to raising kids.
11
@Robert Your comment might be the first on the NYT that ever made me laugh out loud.
3
It’s a cliché, I will admit, but it’s amazing how little my father knew when I was 16 years old; and how much smarter he seemed by the time I was 30.
And by the way, all of this parenting advice is worth about the price of the paper it’s printed on. Kids have a way of becoming anything but what you expected as they were growing up, and will do so no matter how open, understanding, supportive, educated and well-heeled their parents might be. Each and every one is a different animal. Plenty of people build careers and make plenty of money trying to convince us otherwise. In the end, we find out they don’t have the answers.
And none of us will get a ‘satisfaction or your money back’ guarantee with their advice.
8
@chambolle Absolutely!
1. When adults are involved in conversation, don't speak unless spoken to. 2. Life is hard. The quicker you figure that out and accept it, the wiser you'll become. 3. Whether appropriate/PC/fair or not, people will judge you by the way you look and what you say. There's a reason you've got one mouth and two ears. 4. A boy does what he's told to do. A man does what he has to do. 5. Honor thy father and mother; fear almighty God.
Saving the best for last. Very wise counsel from our 3rd president to a young lad. President Jefferson received the request from close friend:
Monticello, February 21, 1825
This letter will, to you, be as one from the dead. The writer will be in the grave before you can weigh its counsels. Your affectionate and excellent father has requested that I would address to you something which might possibly have a favorable influence on the course of life you have to run, and I too, as a namesake, feel an interest in that course. Few words will be necessary, with good dispositions on your part. Adore God. Reverence and cherish your parents. Love your neighbor as yourself, and your country more than yourself. Be just. Be true. Murmur not at the ways of Providence. So shall the life into which you have entered, be the portal to one of eternal and ineffable bliss. And if to the dead it is permitted to care for the things of this world, every action of your life will be under my regard. Farewell.
4
I've found that with my kids and grandkids, the best method to deal with this is to
1)hear them out
2)ask them what they think a solution(s) would be appropriate
3)ask them if they would like to hear my possible solution(s) to the problem
4)remind them that they have options and it's up to them to seek these and then chose to act on them
5)point out that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes and of course be accepting of the consequences.
25
@Ron B
Very well said. I would only add “You’re going to make mistakes and I’ll still love you, and forgive you so long as you work hard to correct yourself and achieve your goals.”
Ultimately love is the first thing we all need before a good talk. Starting off with a hug and a laugh can’t hurt. And that may be all they need!
4
Also, accept that no matter what you do, your kid is gonna come back and say, "You should have done it differently."
My son says I should have listened less and given clear opinions more, particularly when I was opposed to things. I held fast to the experiential learning trajectory. So it goes.
13
Soooo true. Yes.
1
Because parents don't know anything ... or so teens think. Their brains are not yet fully developed. Once they are, they will realize how smart their parents really are. Oh, to be a teen again. NOT!
2
It could also be re-titled "Why do Teens and Adult Children Reject Their Parents' Solutions". The solutions are not what they're looking for, in part because they're not sure what they are looking for. Also as the old joke goes- I thought my father an idiot but I was surprised that he became smarter as I grew older.
2
"The best advice given is that which is asked for", who said that?
@L. W. your mother.
4
At 18 I was clinically depressed with problems I couldn’t control. My father divorced my stepmother, my mother’s house was chaos. That year, my final year of high school I lived with my grandfather who was an old school psychoanalyst who would psychoanalyze me at the dinner table or on rides in the car. He once called me “passive aggressive,” to which I replied, “Of course I am; Can you imagine a world where everyone just spoke without thinking or filtering any offensive thing that came out of their mouth? It would be a funny world, perhaps hilarious, but purely dysfunctional.”
The only time I could get him to laugh was when I said something I regarded as offensive. He would give me some unwanted, unasked for advice and I would say, “Coming from an old workhorse like yourself I’ll consider myself schooled.” And he burst out laughing and would tell my grandmother “We had a breakthrough.” (“We?” I thought, “Or him?”)
He used to say “Some problems don’t have a solution.” I prefer to believe there are some problems we can choose to leave to their own fate.
My grandmother on the other hand was an excellent listener. She could listen for hours without judgement. Eventually, with her listening and my first time smoking weed with friends, I realized being depressed and disconnected and not helping others as a result of isolating myself was selfish and destructive. I kept telling myself things would get better with work and love. And slowly, they did; when I started listening.
20
A very wise friend of me gave me some great advice for dealing with my 18yo. Her kids are grown now, but when they were teens she would ask them, “Do you want me to act, or do you just need me to listen.” An answer to that simple question got the kids what they needed and prevented mom from getting frustrated too. I mentioned this to my own daughter and she said , “Yes that’s exactly what to ask me when I’m stressed.”
I can’t thank my friend enough for this simple insight.
18
@HMB brilliant.
5
For many years, my father and grandfather owned a luggage shop in Manhattan. I will always recall the question my father asked me when I was sixteen: “Scott, will you please come and work for me while you still know everything?”
14
Here's my method of advising kids. First, ask them to expain their goal and the challenges.
If you know of any other challenges and payoffs mention them now. If you happen to know something about the subject you can win some respect here. Fortunately, for me the questions tend on themes I've discussed for years, so I gain some respect here and often can kill a bad idea with a barrage of evidence.
Next, I suggest a variety of approaches to the goal. I cast a wide net and include anything that might work. In a 30 minute chat I might ask them, "Have you thought about...," 20 times.
I don't mind telling the what I believe the best option is, but I avoid any absolute certainty. I say things like, "Well, it might be best....."
Then I ask them which of the options seems best to them and I almost always enthusiastically support that decision. Usually, they are pleased to see that they have won me over to their idea, but I know if the idea is well executed they will succeed.
Finally, I encourage them to get started. I make it clear that if they energetically take the approach they have decided on it has a good chance of success.
I believe this is approach for me, because I give them new info, offer a thoughtful opinion, and support their choice.
Summary: show them respect and concern. Give them real information and support, but don't be scared to offer an opinion. They will appreciate it and then they will bug you constantly! ;)
1
A word for parents: Once my kids we’re off at college, I used to carry their problems with me and worry about them—loneliness, problems with transcripts, fears about fitting in, etc. Then I realized that they were just venting. As soon as they’d offloaded their problems and got a dose of love from me, they were ready for the fray again.
And it wasn’t just me. Once my friends group talked about it, we realized the kids really WERE alright, and we could just listen to that tiny piece of their life and know that things would work out.
Of course there are exceptions, as the suicide rate sadly shows. But it was such a relief to me to be able to let go of that low-level worrying over reasonably stable kids.
7
Great advice, and not only for teenagers. Men can practice these habits when women want to talk things over. Senior colleagues can use them with juniors.
14
@Erin A. Thankyou. That truly made me burst out laughing!...
I counseled parents for many years. My advice to the parents of teens was always to “be a big ear instead of a big mouth.” As a maturing child begins to struggle with making choices and gaining independence, there is a need for a safe, trusted place to “try on” ideas, to consider responses to peer influence, and to solve early life problems. The long-term goal is to develop good judgment and achieve adult autonomy with emotional maturity. When parents listen rather than react, they provide that safe place and they gain a window into their teens’ real-world experiences and challenges. And, one benefit for parents, listening takes much less energy than lecturing!
8
@SMH Brillaint, brilliant response! Thank you.
When problems get really bad and things are far worse than the need to vent and get through a few months of rough patch, a good therapist can be a god-send.
The problem is some therapists are wonderful, but others can make the problems worse.
Then there is the money issue with therapy. However, good therapy doesn't need to go on and on and on.
1
Doesn't everyone want the chance to vent and to feel validated? I'm not sure the author is making any ground breaking realizations. Teens want to feel heard and validated, yeah, duh! So do children, adults, and people in general. I do always wonder how the people I interact with on a daily basis that do not seem to have an empathy or are quick to push solutions on others manage as parents, or how they think of themselves as parents.
5
It does not have to be ground breaking to be helpful to some who may not have yet had that epiphany. Some truisms need to be repeated and reinforced. Over and over. It’s worth it if one new ‘click’ goes off in someone’s head.....
4
Thank you to all who think that it is possible to talk to teenagers about anything. But this gratitude pales in comparison to the gratitude I feel toward those who think they can proffer advice to teenagers about their problems. And that gratitude completely pales when I think of the gratitude I feel toward those who think they can get teenagers to listen and follow the advice. God bless you all.
2
@Kalidan Thanks for the laugh!
1
"Whoosh....!"
Urban Dictionary :
1. The sound of a topic flying over someone's head.
1
1) Many problems can be sorted out by identifying what matters to you most. Many teens, like many adults, face the challenge of identifying what their priorities are. If, as parent, you establish a track record of helping them in that task, it gives you a track record they will return to.
2) Research indicates that teens WILL consult parents on matters they perceive the parent as having some expertise on. Clothes and musical taste may not prompt consultation, but weightier matters often can. Just heed Madonna's advice: "Papa don't preach".
3) A former teaching assistant of mine made the wise observation that one begins raising a teen before they can walk. All parents need to not only encourage development of self-reflection and impulse control from early on, but also foster a reputation as reliable shoulder to lean on.
4) I often suggest having a list of foods you introduced the young child to that they really like, and leaving it on the fridge, that you can point to next time you go to introduce a new food. Maybe parents need a similar list of "things I helped you with". We tend to forget so much, getting lost in the emotion of the moment. Reminders can foster credibility, and credibility fosters consultation.
1
True of EVERYONE voicing a problem. Mostly we need a sympathetic ear and some compassion and empathy. Too many people respond by feeling it's their job and telling you what to do. I have a recently widowed friend who told me he was so tired of people telling him to get a hobby.
18
This article really sums it up succinctly what human communication is all about. If people would just do it I would probably be out of a job as a therapist. People just want to talk talk talk talk talk and very few truly know how to listen. Most people already know what they need to do in a situation, they just don’t want to do it and they need somebody to hear and validate the feelings and struggle around the situation before they can act on it. Just listening is a very difficult and unselfish act. Giving unasked for advice is always about meeting the needs of the person giving the advice. It is a far more difficult but generous act to truly listen and try to understand without judgement. That’s why it’s so rare.
35
Excellent, helpful article!
7
I value and try to apply much if not all of this advice. The issue I see is that this article leaves out many scenarios that are more challenging and for it which does not apply. Introducing problems that match the advice one has is not the same as surveying the problems and offering advice for them or acknowledging that one doesn't.
Yes, it is true that "Much of what bothers teenagers cannot be solved." It is also true that teenagers BELIEVE that much of what bothers them cannot be solved that actually can be resolved with but a little solution-oriented thinking, re-conceptualizing relationships, trying out new actions, foresight, etc.
And, quite often, adolescents DON'T want a sounding board or aren't willing to engage enough to externalize their thoughts (and feelings!) in a way that is useful. Lots of research shows that merely repeating aloud problems may not be useful.
Third, often the ways adolescents articulate their problems are exaggerated, the way they are talking about the problems is inaccurate or hyperbolic. That is, the very expression IS part of the problem, often the root of it to the extent it reflects how youth are thinking and talking to themselves and others. The challenge that parents feel in this scenario is that validating our children can seem like validating their often mistaken, sometimes unhelpful beliefs and ways of thinking. Yes, it seems to high school students that teachers are x,y, or z, but they're probably not and parents know it.
10
This advice is a restating of the wonderful book "How to talk So Yours Kids Will Listen and Listen so your Kids Will Talk." by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, published in 1980. It should be required reading for all parents. There's another title that is specific to teenagers, "How to Talk So Your Teens Will Listen..."
6
This approach still works best with my daughter who will soon turn. As a high school teacher, I can say that teens do just want to be heard, which serves as a hug.
1
What a great article! Not swooping in with solutions for my teenagers’ (mercifully typical) problems is currently my #1 parenting challenge. This is so helpful.
2
This applies to life, not just interacting with teenagers. Many people don’t practice active listening or empathy, and tend to push their opinions.
13
Has anyone reading this article seen adolescents on TV lately? I work one on one with clients for an hour and get to hear the “family s__tcoms” as one client puts, every day.
Since the 80’s when family sitcom writers decided to let teens have a go at their parents in demeaning rude and ridiculous tirades, all too often the teen entry conversation is sarcastic, snarky disrespectful and needlessly emotional. And that’s supposed to be “funny” on tv.
That THAT is what our children watch on TV and mimic to each other in school it is very difficult to have a conversation with our children when they are coming to the table with challenges with this as their learned
communication behavior in the mix. My husband and I turn off shows like this all the time. Adolescents are still children and mimic to learn. Since Sesame Street and other educational shows are what they learned from, so are they learning from the trash conversations in Hollywood writers rooms.
They are still learning. They still need guidance no matter how mature you may think a 16 year old is.
Don’t interrupt them.
Don’t let them interrupt you.
Lay guidelines for conversational tone. Don’t use words like right and wrong.
Don’t make it be about you
Indicate without emotion when the conversation is getting negative and ask to go back a few steps and leave the emotions out of it.
No negating their complaints or ideas
There is no room for disrespect of your ideas
22
@D Porter very interesting about the 80s TV sitcoms and on being the source of these tirades. Good to know, I had thought my son had picked it up from kids at a charter school he went to that is full of very wealthy families. I guess I made this mistake because my other son went to a local high school where 80 percent were in the free lunch program and he never got into the snarky and emotional tirades. Personalities matter too of course.
Wish someone had read this forty years ago
5
When I was helping to raise teenagers, I found that the best way to help them problem-solve was to quietly pull apart the situation with them (by asking questions) look at the component pieces of the problem, lay out several possible solutions, and discuss which solution would lead to what results. I tried not to give them “my answer” but to let them figure out their own answer.
8
@MKMP Your suggestion sounds good--for the caretaker, not the teenager.
As a teenager, I deeply resented adults who asked me questions they already knew the answers to--it felt very manipulative and I stopped talking to adults who did that. Asking questions where the answers are already known is not honest or empathetic--it is withholding and manipulative.
I was 15 or 16, and although I cannot remember the issue I was struggling with, my father said to me " I have to trust that by now I have instilled good values and that you will make the right decision for you". This has stuck with me over the 50 years since. It meant so much to me that my father validated my ability to go forward.
51
One thing that is lost by the Atomic Family
is living near relatives and knowing your neighbors.
Aunts and Uncles may be able to offer the same advice
as parents, but because they are not your parents their
advice is more acceptable. [ Not to mention an Aunt or Uncle may be very much like the teenager in question as the Apples do not fall that far from the family tree.]
Likewise a neighbor who baby sat you may have advice that is more perceptive than a teenager might expect.
The main thing is to listen, carefully and with care.
13
My mother was European and had no trouble saying exactly what was on her mind even with sales people. I envy that generation who never read books but somehow most kids grew up okay.
3
@Kathleen did they really turn out "OK"? I dont think so.
1
My kids were teens in the 80s and rarely shared their problems with me. I was the same way as a teenager. Then they got a little older and we started to talk again about life. They really wanted their privacy from me.
6
I think this advice is great and could be applied to alot of relationships. I don't tell my parents about my problems to avoid being judged. When I do tell my parents a problem I must be desperate to solve it, or think I did a good job solving it. During the earlier years of my life when I would complain about something that was stressing me out my parents told me to be grateful, or that I don't have much to stress about. But if they followed this advice then I might start talking to them more. When I'm upset or stressed I just want to be heard and validated. I want to talk and let everything off my chest and be told I'm not insane for feeling that way. Giving empath is also a good way to connect to anyone as well as giving them a vote of confidence. It lets them know that you believe in them to solve the problem but that if they do need help that they will be there for you. The advice given in this article is good and I hope everyone uses this advice.
19
@Jamaelle Guerrier
Then you need a therapist, and not parents. The therapist, counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist will take your money in exchange for letting you getting it off your chest. They are not invested in any sort of outcome,much less your success or well being, and the more conundrums you face and need to unload about, the more they stay in their jobs.
Just don"t go to your parents asking them to pay for the therapist.
2
@JG: Thank you for sharing your insights and personal experiences. I applaud your perceptiveness in recognizing your needs and the limits of your family audience. Your perception, insight and empathy provide the soil for lifelong growth and goodness.
@GM: Why such negativity and snarkiness towards JG? Why such disparagement of therapy and therapists? Must everything come down to money? I truly don’t understand.
Being able to talk through things effectively within one’s family is great, but not always possible. Talking through things with friends can be great, provided they’re able to really listen and not just pull both of you down into negative spirals.
Talking with a professional therapist is great, when you find the right match for your needs. When in doubt, and with the right match, I don’t believe there is ever a downside to talking with a therapist. Moreover, there are many issues — emotional, behavioral, chemical — that your family and friends are simply _not equipped_ to handle.
As my mom says, “Therapy is the greatest education.” (And no, I am not a therapist, nor is anyone in my family.) Ideally, we should all be able and willing to reflect on our strengths and shortcomings, and to seek help when needed through all available resources. There is no shame in struggling, asking questions, learning and growing.
You rock, JG!
This is great advice, full stop. Applicable to most relationships not just teens, I'm actively going to use it.
14
Thanks for the parenting teens article. Solid advice to work with teens, spouses, coworkers, friends...I appreciate concrete suggestions.
5
I think one of the hardest parts of active listening - when in the role of a parent - is to listen empathetically AND not take on my kid's emotion and to remember that, typically, this too shall pass.
And my being "bland" and my not taking on her emotions is exactly what she needs me to do.
It just isn't easy.
19
I wish my parents could have read this article! The first words that I always heard coming out of my mother’s mouth were “you should...!” which were probably followed by exasperation and even anger. This was in contrast to my father, who never listened and always seemed preoccupied, so when I pressed him for a response he would reply with “I don’t know how to advise you”. Once I was an adult I told my mother to please substitute the first words of her replies with “I suggest...” and I basically gave up on hoping my father ever being interested in having a conversation. Even before I had my own kids I read every book and article I could on how to develop better listening skills (PET as some have mentioned here), and took classes. It’s made a huge difference in my relationship with my kids, who are now young adults and even husband, siblings and friends.
22
...after which we send our kids to psychotherapists where for $250 per hour someone will listen to them without interruption and NOT see the whole exchange as an invitation to tell them what to do to solve their problems.
3
To my mother, I will always be 16. Not matter that 16 was 40 years ago. LOL
9
It could be worse, my parents treated me like I was 40 when I was 16. On the plus side, I always felt like they trusted me to decide things for myself, but I felt a little me against the world. I have always envied those folks who talk about getting advice from their parents. My parents come to me for advice. I see the other side of it though, as my husband’s parents are more like yours. Only as they’ve started to need assistance as they’ve aged have they started to see him (us) as competent to handle some things.
2
Man is an empirical being. That’s why teenagers reject parents’ solutions.
2
This advice is straight out of a book I read years ago when my daughter was growing up: “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” (Faber & Mazlish). Best book ever for parents, but everyone should read it because the advice can be used in all human relations, not just by parents raising kids. I see it’s on Amazon if you’re interested.
29
I second this book recommendation.
2
Listening depends on the purpose of the conversation.
3
Discipline is love.
1
Best question I ever learned to ask
Do you want my advice or do you just want to vent?
Usually most people just want to vent
20
Replace the word advice with input or suggestions, advice has an unpleasant aura to a teenager.
Maybe I’m projecting my preferences on the world or I’m trapped in adolescence but I believe this is what most if not all people want, especially if they’re extroverted.
10
I love the advice in this column. I always wish I had more phrases to encourage the conversation further. I know for sure that jumping in with advice only stunts the conversation but saying, "I'm sure you'll make the right decision" also cuts off the flow -- even as it shows confidence. It's not just teens that need to be listened to -- it's spouses, adult children, and friends.
9
Give it up. Parents love their kids and cannot help trying to protect them and guide them and keep them from making the same mistakes they did. Children live fully in the new world and only see the future that they will live in. They are intimately part of the now and it will open to them in ways that are impossible for parents to see. The best you can do is to care and be tolerant. Children must find out who they are before they can answer these questions and that task may take them the rest of their lives. Join them in the fight if they need it but get out of the way if they don’t. We are all learning from our mistakes.
1
This all rings true to me and is one of the best parenting columns I have read. If it isn’t a legal, moral, or significant health issue, a teenager owns the problem, not their parent. Let them own it. Encourage and support them but let them have their own problems. Sometimes I think a parent’s desire to or need to parent gets in the way of letting their teenager grow up. Permitting a child to grow up is hard work. And scary. But it has to be done.
26
My parents (w/ 6 kids) had a clever signal between each other at dinner. If either of them was overbearing, instead of listening, the other would mine a scissor snip, indicating that it was time to “cut the umbilical cord”. Saved them so much stress and over parenting.
15
Not sure I agree with this. Listening without advice is what one adult might seek from another adult (spouse, friend, whatever.) But when I was a teenager I never wanted to just "vent" to my parents or use them as a sounding board. My parents weren't my pals, but I trusted their judgment. If I talked to them about a problem it would only be in a case where I felt in over my head, and needed direction or an adult to step in.
12
@teal
I think you are missing the point of this strategy: IF you have a child who just wants to vent let them vent. IF you have a child who wants help give them help. I was almost exactly the same as you when I was younger. I didn't go to my parents to vent. But it sure seems like some kids want this now. I'm sure some kids could have used this years ago too but it wasn't the model at the time. So most of us didn't think to miss what wasn't available anyway...
4
This makes sense, as far as it goes. But it doesn’t tackle the really tough question of how to give advice when their teenager really needs it, such as writing their college essay. Especially when what they’ve written isn’t cutting it. We struggled mightily just to be able to get a look at their essays, let alone making suggestions. No matter which technique we tried, all our comments were rejected. We finally realized that using a college coach was the solution. Progress was made once they intervened. So, what gives here? How do you break this barrier without having to resort to outside intervention? Or is that the only solution?
5
@Grubs I'm not sure parents should ever help with college essays-- usually it's pretty obvious to an admissions counseling when they have. A good coach will mostly ask questions and listen as this article advises--finding who the student is/what they truly care about.
12
@Grubs Are you going to be proofreading your kid's essays once they are in college? I never even dreamed of showing my parents my college admissions essays (this was years ago), nor did they ask for them. If they need help with their writing skills, yes they should absolutely be turning to outside sources. Many high schools have writing centers, and I'm sure their English teachers would be happy to proofread.
12
Listening is great tool. However, it depends on the purpose of the conversation.
Asking question is imperative depends on the purpose of the conversation.
Asking questions could be a way to lead towards the purpose.
Listening, asking questions, and expressing your perspective is all important depends on the purpose.
Empowering children require more than just listening.
1
Some teenagers are lucky enough to have a relative with whom they can share ideas and problems that they are reluctant to share with parents. Even teenagers with good relationships with parents need a non-parental sounding board who respects the teen's individuality and privacy.
My daughter was fortunate enough to have a caring and wise aunt with whom she talked over what was happening in her life. My husband and I am forever grateful to Aunt Maria for her wonderful influence on her niece!
7
I must be old. Two of my favorite things are (1) telling a problem to someone that can solve it and (2) neglecting someone else's problem long enough for them to solve it themselves.
...Andrew
12
I'm so glad I don't have to go through my teenage years ever again. I'm glad my son will never go through those teenage years; now my 11 year old granddaughter is what I wonder about; Goodness and heavens above I wouldn't wish the teenage years on anyone. But come to think a moment....I would wish those heinous years on Trump but he appears to be there permanently.
36
@jaxcat I love your very last sentence!
1
This is true with tweens as well. My 11 year old craves a listening ear and I have come to realize that when I offer suggestions or an opinion, she is quick to reject it. Rather, when I merely listen and ask her questions to try and understand better, she is more apt to telling me things in the future. As parents we are quick to try and solve everything for our kids...but what they yearn for is parents to just "be there".
16
As a high school English teacher I can tell you that students tell me nearly everything, and often I don't even need to specifically ask. Writing prompts that are open ended, such as, "What scares you?" elicits some silly answers but also deadly serious ones, like, "My mom's boyfriend scares me, especially when he drinks," or, "Trying to be straight when I'm not, knowing my dad will hate me if he finds out." Kids seek adult acceptance, real solutions, empowerment and want desperately to be taken seriously. Yes, they are sometimes immature, overly emotional, highly idealistic and self-absorbed. But they are generally deeply sincere and honest. If only most adults could be as authentic. Parents--your kids love you and want to talk to you. They don't want to get yelled at or judged for asking questions. If we can all open up and be patient, teens will often rise to the occasion. The key is open communication.
191
Fellow (retired) teacher here. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I worked for a time with troubled youth. Those with children already, teen pregnancy, court cases pending. The worked was draining and often the results by most standards disappointing. Perhaps the best example of open ended listening occurred when I met a group and one particularly bright young man looked at me and said " what are we going to do today?"
To which I responded, "What would you like to do...?" He paused and a smile came over his face. He said rather gleefully, "No one has ever asked me that before!" I enjoyed every class that young man attended. He left school early to look after a newborn. When he told me his girlfriend was pregnant I looked at him and said, "You're going to be a fantastic father." My wife upon hearing me recount this conversation was shocked. How could you say that?? She asked.
My answer he was embarking on a journey. He needed support then, not judgement.
16
How bout not giving these poor kids THREE TESTS IN ONE DAY.
38
Three tests in one day.....how many challenges does one get in one day. ?? They are being prepared for adulthood and life is a 24 hour a day challenge. Listen, empathize , that really is what they need. Affirmation!!!!
5
How do they know what they are looking for ?
5
reminds me of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - where the author told men to 'duck and cover' - when a woman tells you her problem, don't jump in with a 'solution' - keep your mouth shut and just listen - and she will then walk away happy - having felt heard.
A desperate single father once told me his young teenage daughter was starting to talk back, and he was afraid he was losing her, which he didn't understand because with his traditional society upbringing he was working late every night towards giving her a better future. He was telling her what to do but she was starting to argue with him. He couldn't understand what was going wrong.
I said 'she comes home alone from school - you're not there - what does she feel ? You don't Care about her ! - instead of trying to order her to be a good child, try this - at the end of each day when you see her, simply ask 'how was your day?' then sit down and listen to her. Say Nothing for the next few minutes. Stay silent. She will start to talk, and after five minutes she will feel a load off, and she will feel happy. Try that.'
I didn't see him for a few months - after which he invited me to lunch at an expensive restaurant. I walked in to see him and his daughter both beaming happily. He thanked me for saving their relationship.
53
@Frank That's very sweet. I have to add that many teenagers will not volunteer information even after such a prompt. But they like to be asked.
14
What teenagers want:
Food — perfect their favorite recipes and you will own their hearts forever.
Your money — make them work for it. If you won’t hire them, why would anyone else?
Emotional support — listening, sympathy, humor, and anecdotes about your own personal experience.
You can slip in small servings of your opinions and advice when they come to you for the things they really want.
21
When my kids struggle in their self-made follies I channel my inner Dude and say, as he said to the Big Lebowski, "That's a bummer man."
44
Don't worry about the kids who push away, who find their friends' advice more trustworthy than yours, who assert their autonomy (in non-life-threatening ways). Worry about the kids who never push back, who want Mom and Dad to solve their problems (or at least tell them how to solve their problems), who cling to those apron strings. Those are the ones who will still be living in your house, eating your food, and watching your cable when they're 50. It's normal and healthy for teens to turn away from their parents and toward their friends, and to assert their autonomy. They'll come back when they're ready.
39
@Nikki thank you I needed this!
2
My parents must have gone to the same psychologist. I heard the same vacuous expressions of empathy. I heard the same question led efforts at guidance. I will tell you what I really wanted from my parents as a teenager: Autonomy with assistance.
The complete freedom to make my own decision with the security that I wouldn't fall too hard when I inevitably mess things up.
I don't need your advice. I don't need your empathy. I need to buy my own groceries on your paycheck and have the space to make you blush in front of whichever girlfriend's father.
That's it. That's the bottom line. Save the advice for professional advice.
10
@Andy I think I’m going to roll my eyes a bit at this one. “The complete freedom to make my own decisions...”. So basically kids want to make a mess but know their parents will clean it up with minimal impact on the kids? I’m pretty sure that’s teaching the kid absolutely nothing. I’m a huge supporter of seeking professional help when it’s obviously needed, but giving unlimited freedom with little to no commentary sounds like the inmates running the asylum.
21
“Autonomy with assistance” sounds a little bit like “alternative facts”
5
@Andy wants "Autonomy with assistance." In fact these are contradictory: if you receive assistance then you are not autonomous.
Like so many, @Andy wants to "have his cake and eat it too".
6
While these are great recommendations for how to listen to your teenagers,this advice works for communications between adults too. Don't jump in with advice and solutions until you confirm that's what the individual wants. Adults want and need sounding boards and support in tough circumstances too.
44
I couldn’t agree more.
2
@Sasha
I think I do some or a lot of this when I'm managing my direct reports, but not always consistently. I'm going to use these tips more consciously -- especially listening first and prodding for ideas before offering my own. It's hard to do when there's a time crunch, but pretty obvious how it can be empowering.
Read....P.E.T.
5
Listening carefully then asking them questions as to how they think and feel about the issues. Try not to answer their problem, listen and help direst them to a solution.
4
Really? What I’ve found is that cross generationally there is zero faith in the “other” and why would there be? From every direction these days it seems there’s a flood of misinformation, falsehoods, outright imaginary causes and solutions and outcomes. In a world where digital hype predominates, who believes anything they hear, see or read anymore. It’s a huge problem in the West and there is no course correction on the horizon.
2
@Mia
Teenagers have no other timeframe to which to compare. These troubled times are actually the only times they know. How can we even imagine what this is like?
But, as in any other time, some will be lucky enough to have caring loving parents who are trying to support them.
Unfortunately, as in all other times, most will not.
12
@Chickpea these times are not remotely troubled compared to war, The Depression, etc..
1
Some schools have a policy that students need not take more than 1 or 2 major exams on the same day. That’s a sensible policy and one that parents should address with the school.
8
When our son was young we participated in a parenting workshop following the guidelines in Parent Effectiveness Training, by Dr Thomas Gordon The book gives similar advice but with much more detail and many examples. It made me a better listener, a better parent and a better friend. If you need help with improving interpersonal relationships, not just between adults and teenagers, but between all people, it is an excellent read.
16
My best lesson in this was when my wife asked that our teenage son not engage in some activity which she felt to be ill advised. He asked why. She replied that it was because it made her worry and feel very uncomfortable. Oh, he replied. He then called his friends and cancelled the engagement.
36
Wonderful story. Precious.
4
This is excellent counsel for parents of adult children too. And for that matter, for friends of friends who are going through a rough time.
27
Agreed! I’m 33 with a child of my own and still talk through my worries or stresses with my mom. She’s often quick to offer a solution, but sometimes I tell her I just want her to listen, which she graciously does :) As independent and self-sufficient as I am, I don’t think I’ll ever be too old for some comfort from mom!
6
I am guilty of pulling out the toolbox with my teen children. The youngest, at 14, has told me flat out, "I'm not asking for your help. I just need you to listen."
So when one of them begins talking about a frustration or stress, I have to remind myself to 1) listen without interrupting; 2) listen without interrupting; and 3) listen without interrupting.
I'm getting better.
265
@Deborah You’re doing something right if your 14-year-old was able to tell you that.
63
@Deborah I am a grandmother now. Wish I had this advice when my kids were teens. The tendency to "fix" is part of my DNA (unfortunately). More successful with grandkids...
14
@Deborah
Who isn't guilty of it? Mine have long been raised and I still have to check myself with the grandkids. It's human nature to want to help, and the hardest thing to do is just sit there and listen. And what ElleninCA said too.
3
I think all of this is true and great. Probably part of the difficulty for parents in rushing to provide solutions is that it hurts us--actually distresses us--to see our kids in pain. So we're really trying to ease *our* distress. If we're going to be strong enough to sit with them in their suffering, we need to be strong enough to sit with our own.
Only thing I wasn't sure about was the boy whose parents agreed he just wouldn't get a lot of sleep one semester. Maybe it's the Jewish grandmother in me, but.... sleep is important to good health, and nothing's more important than your health.
61
As I responded to another comment: I think the author is articulating that teens try hard to solve their own issues, but appreciate adult support when needed to help reassure them. Why have so many interpreted this article to mean that teens today are spoiled? I have two teens and have found the article to be 100 percent accurate. As such, I have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with both of them. Both are hardworking, independent, and emotionally stable.
41
The most important thing of all you can do for your children is cultivate a healthy sense of perspective. Having three tests scheduled for the same day, or feeling overwhelmed by a variety of activities, all of which you wish to continue - to take two examples from this story - are not exactly the worst problems in the world to have. But they may seem that way to a teenager who has seen that sort of reaction modeled by their parents, and who has been wrapped up in cotton wool up until this point in their life and taught that any bump or scrape is a life-threatening injury. Being a teen is pretty angsty no matter what, but it's a lot more so if you've had that attitude impressed on you from an early age.
Ironically, as our material circumstances have become objectively better and better, we seem to worry more and more about stuff that is just not that important. Of course, telling your teen "get over it" is not going to be a very effective message in the moment, especially if you yourself are not very good at taking your own advice. But if you live your own life with a healthy sense of perspective, that'll tend to rub off on your kids too, and then when they do come to you, it'll be more likely because they want a sympathetic ear than because they're in a panic.
7
Excellent article. And, it often turns out that listening and understanding is all that adults want or need, too.
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Well, complaining about your problems and issues and refusing the sensible, practical advice of your parents must be a phenomenon of modern day teenagers, because *I* certainly never did that when I was a teenager.
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@Christopher
It isn't something that's a modern-day phenomenon. Even if you did take the advice of your own parents, that may not be true for everyone. That's what this article was trying to point out.
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@Mary I think he was being ironic because we nearly all did that when we were that age.
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@Mary I think Christopher was joking. Ignoring one's parents' advice is an age-old practice among teenagers. Think of Romeo and Juliet.
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Job figured this out almost 3 millennia ago.
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@OF
There is a subtle difference between figuring things out and learning a lesson.
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I was thinking if your removed "teenager" and replaced with "woman" and put in "man" for "parents", the article would read the same. Then I realize, that wanting people to listen and empathize with you is true of every humanbeing
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I don’t need a scientific study to tell me my children are wussies.
I can think of very few people under 30 that I’d want in my foxhole with me should the need ever arise.
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@Intrepiddoc
I think the author articulated quite the opposite. What I read was that teens try hard to solve their own issues, but appreciate adult support when needed to help reassure them. I have two teens and have found the article to be 100 percent accurate. As such, I have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with both of them and find them to be are amazing, intelligent young people full of promise.
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@Intrepiddoc well you raised them. *eyeroll*
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@Intrepiddoc
"very few people under 30 that I’d want in my foxhole with me"
I'd take either/both of my teens as well as many of the students on the high school robotics team I mentor.
...Andrew
4
As a teen, I discussed my problems with my peers, not my parents! I wonder if the age gap between parents and children today being wider than ever has any effect on whether kids think their parents are able to identify with them?
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@Sarah Hardman
And I’ve noticed that the gap today is so much narrower than it was when I was a teenager!
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Modern parents gave up on resilience and struggle and pain with respect to their kids. Instead, they teach them we're all victims of hierarchies, racism, sexism, homophobia, etc., but not to worry since Earth will be destroyed by greedy others (never their own consumption to be considered as complicit) in a decade and "nobody is doing anything about it."
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@David
Wow! Glad I’m not in your social circle! I don’t know anyone who does such a terrible disservice to their kids.
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...Sure,...it's important to have an 'open door empathetic policy' as a parent,...but I feel that too much of that can lead a parent to become coddling and 'helicopterish' thereby stifling an adolescent's ability to mature as a problem solver. Comments like, "here's what I would do..." and "it's good to listen to and consider what others can suggest,...but you ultimately must decide what you should do,...and remember that there are always consequences to whatever course of action that you decide upon."
...'Growing up' is a struggle but balancing empathy with suggestions/advice will help an adolescent mature.
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This same principle applies in medicine. One of the best advice I received from a psychiatrist in medical school was, “Don’t just do something, stand there.” People want to be heard, first, without interruption.
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@Robert - Being known and heard ; that's it alright. I work on a huge peer-to-peer forum for young people with eating disorders, and following that rule is the only way I can be effective.
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There's a great parenting book that takes this approach - How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It's also great, as many commenters are saying, for basically all relationships.
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It was my bible. I find myself recommending it to perfect strangers out with their children!
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@Jo Shields Sherman
Yes! And my then-teenage daughter used the concepts with her peers, to surprising effect, it turns out.
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"Why Teenagers Reject Parents’ Solutions to Their Problems"
The solution offered: "It's usually because we're not giving them what they're really looking for".
It reminded me of another article from Elizabeth Kolbert in the New Yorker in 2012: "SPOILED ROTTEN. Why do kids rule the roost?"
As Kolbert explained: "With the exception of the imperial offspring of the Ming dynasty and the dauphins of pre-Revolutionary France, contemporary American kids may represent the most indulged young people in the history of the world."
Kolbert nailed it when she explained that American teenagers "have been granted unprecedented authority. "Parents want their kids' approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving for their parents' approval," Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell, both professors of psychology, have written. In many middle-class families, children have one, two, sometimes three adults at their beck and call."
It is dangerous and infantilizing. A teenager doesn't have to make any hard decisions. Adults must decide to forego things they want to do constantly as their jobs make it impossible, yet if there's no time in an American teenager's schedule to do "cross-country" because it means not doing schoolwork, it's no problem, as his parents will fix the problem. What's that teach him?
These are Rich People Problems. For people like me, and millions of other children of a poor, or working class parents, the idea that any of this is remotely normal is a total joke.
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@Robert B
I don't see how your premise is relevant to the issue. Are you disagreeing with the article, and saying parents should NOT listen to their children's problems sympathetically? In the case of the kid from Houston, there WASN'T any solution to the problem, and his parents didn't "fix" it. They helped him think it through and come up with a way to somewhat reduce his stress, then helped him execute that. It hardly sounds like Marie Antoinette to me.
But I do hear your anger, and I agree that 200 million poor and working class children and parents genuinely suffer at the hands of Rich People and their Problems. There are solutions to that, but they don't involve not listening to children, they involve not voting for rich people.
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@Dan Coleman No, I think he finds the solutions mentioned to be useful, just that parents today don't practice anything of the sort and instead feel their kids should have no hardships, not be responsible for their grades, follow their dreams and don't worry about making a living, etc.
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@Robert B They learned this from central planning all around them. Citizens are the children of the state authority, and states are the children of federal authority. It's the I deserve whatever I need, even if others have to pay for it, and without regard to other uses people would make with their money if allowed to be free individuals.
Very well stated.
One additional item: The parent can break down the wall further by also being vulnerable. Tell a story about when a similar event happened to them and how they resolved it. It should be mentioned to the child that that might not be the best answer, but it gives perspective to the child about how the parent thinks and that the parent is a human, too.
The child is rarely asking for a "solution" from the parent and that solution is often wrong for the child. We are all unique individuals and the context of each of our lives is different.
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@Steve M Perhaps, but you are turning the story back on to yourself instead of the child. It's a bit like telling people you have a bad disease, or a family member died, and they respond with their own problems instead of commiserating with them.
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@David
It all depends how you tell it. I think stories like that can provide a light at the end of the tunnel.
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This sure hits home and the timing couldn’t be better. I have long needed to hear this advice (and have it available for a repeat read). It’s often hard to tell whether the tension between my 20 year old internationally adopted daughter stems from her multiple early childhood disruptions or from quite simply her adolescent age and gender (normal mother/daughter issues). The fact that I’m able to read it in a nationally published article says the exasperation she and I both feel at our inability to communicate effectively sometimes is definitely not terribly uncommon. I will do my best to practice your advice until I get it right. Until then, knowing we are not alone gives me real hope.
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My son is 20 years old, and I agree that he needs all these things from me (his father has passed away). The biggest problem is getting him to talk to me about anything important in the first place.
As for needing empathy as well as ideas, not instructions... l think that applies to many personal relationships. I would tell my late husband, “I just need you to listen (be a sounding board), not fix it for me.”
Thanks for an interesting article.
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@Cherie Marcus Why can't your husband's thoughts be part of the discussion to help find a solution? If you just need a sounding board, then talk to your closet as it'll listen and not provide any thoughts.
I only hate advice that's trivial, after the fact and so of no value, or obvious. Being told to 'save more' for retirement, or 'watch your head' after you've banged it, or 'yes, I've suffered that too but have no perspective to offer.'
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@David
She cannot ask her husband about his thoughts because he passed away (thus "my late husband").
Apparently you appreciate advice, even unsolicited. Many others do not. As a mother of two teens, I agree listen without judgement or advice unless asked.
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The writer must live in a different world. As parent and grandparent, my experience is that young people very rarely bring their "problems" to the elders ( sounding board or not).
Most often, its the elders who either discover or extract the issues confronting the young!
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@amalik
"Elders discovering and extracting issues." Do you see where this might be the other side of the same bad parenting coin? Lets put it this way, this attitude is the chicken. Your kids not wanting to talk to you about things is the egg.
As a child of the 70's, I look around at my friends who are parents now and see vastly different relationships than their parents had with them. The main difference? Respect for children as individuals. Also, less of a need to project themselves onto their children.
I don't usually get on the Millennial bandwagon but this one is just too perfect...
OK, Boomer.
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@Mark Funny. The Boomers were the Woodstock Generation, the ones who rebelled so much there was a Generation Gap. Every new group brings the idea that they've somehow reinvented the wheel.
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@amalik
My twins are tweens, not teens yet. But still. I find that direct questions and conversation during the day seldom yield much of substance. But at quiet, intimate times, I find both of my daughters open up. When they feel safe, they share what's on their heart. For one, it's during quiet bedtime snuggles. For the other, it's bath time. The connection we feel at these times is palpable.
These moments began organically, but when I realized what was happening, I tried to make them intentional (on my part). I hope my kiddos will always feel safe enough to share their hearts and minds with me!
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Totally agree with all of it: sounding board, empathy, and confidence-building. I would add one more idea. They want to solve their problems themselves. But they want to know they've got back-up if they need it.
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@JEAiil If advice is bad, why send kids to school since it's just teaching them stuff they never asked you about, and telling them just makes things worse? Same for religion. Why think a young person with little experience can't come up with novel solutions to problems without regard to thousands of years of culture and wisdom?
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Listening is the key to good communication. Kids need to talk and parents need to listen. Really listen.
We've been taught to screen out much of what others try to share with us. We ignore much of the affective content of communication, when we should, in fact, acknowledge it. Listen for the feelings and try to be non-judgmental. Inform yourself about active listening techniques. And, remember that the goal of parenting is to raise a person capable of being an indepent, fully-functioning adult.
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Gotta agree with all the comments that this applies to people of all ages. I don’t always share my problems to get help, I’ve often already decided on a solution and am just venting or bringing it up because I thought it was interesting. If I want suggestions on solutions I’ll ask for them.
Unsolicited advice can very easily come across as condescending and rude.
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@Eric Well, what do you call unsolicited dumping of your problem on them? I hope you at least preface your problem story with, "Don't worry, I've already found a solution to my problem, but you gotta here this."
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@David Do you have friends? Seriously? What do you think a meaningful relationship is? If a loved one is sad and just wants to talk about that don’t you want to be their for them? And you know they’ll be there for you if you go through something painful that may not even require an actual solution (i.e. death of a loved one.) It’s not some transaction.
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@Eric ... I don’t like people complaining. If someone complains, I will offer advice. If they don’t like advice, they should not have complained.
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Its been a very long time since I was a teenager. But I think the problem is, parents grew up in a different era, with different life experiences, than their children growing up a generation later.
In my own case, my parents were children of the Great Depression. As a result, they were morbidly thrifty and fearful of debt.
While both graduated high school, neither had any higher education. They were very pleased when I skipped a grade in school, mostly because it meant I would be earning a paycheck a year earlier. While they saw the importance of a college education, any accredited college was good enough.
As a result, I attended the cheapest commuter college available. I had the grades and SAT scores to go to a much better school, but the standard response was always "You are doing better than I did". Nowhere was it ever considered that I was not reaching my full potential. My father would not consider applying for educational financial aid, as he was suspicious that his financial disclosure would wind up at the IRS or somewhere else. Yet he had nothing to hide, being a wage earner with no other income to hide.
I stopped seeking advice from my parents. If I had it to do over again, on graduating from high school I would have joined the Air Force and be totally free of them, getting my education through Uncle Sam.
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@Maggie
The problem is not that adults have more perspective and wisdom (although many don't). The problem is that adults can't make their children better by being prescriptive about life.
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@RM So you would put your future in the hands of the military?
My situation was similar to yours for undergrad, but it was good enough to get me into a top law school.
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@Lawyermom
I would have gained life experience, maturity, and qualified for generous education benefits as existed at that time.
5
I mostly agree with this, but sometimes the parent needs to be the adult too. The parent who said a growing teenager needed to "skimp on sleep" to participate in multiple extracurricular activities and still keep up with homework was just wrong.
Growing kids need sleep. It's a basic need, and it's the parents' job to make sure such basic needs are met. Life is filled with hard choices. The kid should've had to pick something to let go.
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@Rose Well, that's your perspective, your opinion, and you can apply it to your life. Judging others as bad because they have different preferences with different needs and life situations is the key to getting along with others. There's is no right or wrong with most simple decisions like this.
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@Rose You are right. Sleep is a biological need. It's a lot more important than band or sports, and it's necessary for anyone trying to learn and retain new material. The first part of my statement is opinion. The second part is scientific fact.
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@Rose You are right about sleep but your comment suggests you learned nothing from this article.
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I think many parents look at their kids as a reflection of themselves. Which is wrong. These are separate, growing people.
Let these young people talk and they will find their own solutions. Unless there is something very serious going on, no advice is the best advice.
My parents were very controlling and it didn't help me at all. I parented differently. My motto: save no for when it really counts. And don't try to live through them. It's their turn.
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@American2020 So you never seek advice or answers for questions and just hope you, all alone, can reason out solutions that people have been dealing with forever?
This notion that the answer is already within a child is absurd.
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@David For most of their problems, it is. Saving no for when it really counts is a good idea. When I objected strongly, my kids listened because I didn’t do it very often - pick your battles.
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@David
Brian's wife here... Maybe you give the perfect advice each time, but I remember some really dumb advice that adults gave to me, and some of it set me up for bad patterns. For instance, in preschool my mom cut me off when I wanted to talk about the kid who slapped me on the playground. Instead of listening to my problem, I got a lecture about being a better friend who was nice to everyone. I didn't want to tattle on my friend, and I was looking for advice on how to handle that. Instead I learned that it was appropriate for people to hurt me and alright for me to be a friendly doormat for bad behavior.
I could sit here and list a dozen times when I got well-meaning pablum instead of real empathy when I was younger. No, kids don't have all the answers -- they're kids! -- but adults who don't take the time to fully listen can really mess up, and kids can also take bad advice to heart.
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Whenever one of my kids came to me with a problem, I asked:
1. Do you just want to vent, which is OK?
2. Do you want to have a discussion?
3. Are you looking for advice?
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@GAK How about an 80/15/5 breakdown? 80% venting, 15% discussion, and 5% advice. These three options aren't mutually exclusive after all.
Personally, I like a bit of each weighted differently according to the situation and what I am primarily experiencing.
If I am experiencing frustration then more venting. If it's confusion then more discussion. If I have the problem identified and want response options then maybe more advice is needed. Most difficulties need a bit of all three of your options but appropriately weighted.
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I deal with kids who have major emotional problems Like HIV. Like sex work. Like school failure. The list goes on and on. Sometimes, it seems infinite.
I love the whole reflection thing expressed here. It's what I do. It's very hard to not lecture. Especially about sex work. But for the kids doing it's, not a moral thing. It's a poverty thing.
I think we need to acknowledge the issues we have imposed upon kids. Income inequality is not their fault.
"So talk to me about how it feels to be poor."
And they do.
Instead of blaming them, I am compelled to reinforce their very real, internal lives.
When stuff overwhelms them like violence while doing sex work, the other kids take over. I sit there like a lump pf coal, but this is necessary. Peer pressure is the nuclear option.
When the kids with HIV are listened to, not something that happens in a medical setting, and these kids have a lot of rage when it comes to privacy and doctors, their medication compliance goes way up.
They need something to live for. Until then, it's a very long slog. All of it, uphill.
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@Tim Barrus
The young people you work with are lucky to have you in their lives. Thank you for being there for them.
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@Tim Barrus Wow - I hate hearing that sex work is a common issue with teens you see. Sounds like you are doing work which is desperately needed.
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Bless you got the work you do.
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The magic words are "Can I make a suggestion?"
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@Di -- As long as you're ok if the answer is "no." Too often, parents are hurt or disappointed when kids won't/don't take their advice. My dad used to get angry if I dismissed his "suggestions." His ego was too tied up in it. He had to be right.
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I have tricked my kids into thinking if they tell me about their problems I will worry about it more than them.. so they don't bother telling me anything for fear of me worrying too much. Crude, selfish but effective.
5
It’s so easy, but for some reason, so hard to remember in practice—just listen and be present. I find as a parent when I just listen and reflect back to my son, he relaxes and finds comfort.
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Really good article. Helpful to see the "why" behind the behavior of teens (or anyone) and some practical tips!
13
Universally true - not just for teenagers.
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Seems to explain not only why teenagers don't want you to solve their problems but also why adult co-workers, employees, and spouses reject solutions to their problems.
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@Maggie You give teens a bad rap that most of them do not deserve. Otherwise, why would we give teens the huge responsibility of babysitting younger children?
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@Maggie When I occasionally got irritated by my teen son, he would gleefully remind me that it was due to his undeveloped pre-frontal cortex. He is now studyOmg for MCAT
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Dealing with teens is akin to dealing with the weather - some days advice may be necessary, not so on another day where listening is needed and will suffice; sometimes an honest, "I don't know but I'm around if you need me." And sometimes you have to patiently and reluctantly stand by while they stumble, and then hopefully, quietly step in to pick up the pieces. Knowing that you care and that you are there over the long haul pays dividends.
28
I'm the parent of two teenagers, and I think this is great advice.
Then again, it's great advice for people of all ages. I know I feel more validated when folks simply listen to my venting than when then try to fix my problems.
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Faber and Mazlish's How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen When Kids Will Talk is written about smaller kids but is a fantastic guide for supporting people of all ages. One main idea: if you let people talk it out they often figure out the solution for themselves, which is more persuasive. And you can guide by offering options instead of mandates to point them towards better actions.
20
This advice seemingly goes against the unshakable parental impulse to protect our kids from the world. Perhaps that's why it nevertheless feels right and in accord with the old Biblical proverb that if you "give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime." A parental posture of listening should, if the groundwork was properly laid by example in the years before the teens, to create the space permitting the adolescent to solve, to the extent soluble, the problem de jour, or at least figure out how to bear it if not. I only wish I had read this before my own (now grown, content and successful) children came through the mill, as I might have been more focused as I stood shoulder-to-shoulder with them through their travails. But it brought me straight back to my own adolescence. As a late Boomer child of parents who survived the Great Depression my parents took the two divergent views of those who came of age in the 1930's: one parent determined their children should never suffer the privations they had, and the other whose example was never to complain and to always persevere. Neither example entirely satisfactory, they essentially left me to figure it out on my own, albeit in a sink or swim environment. But that's life, no?
8
I think it's hard not to give unsolicited advice on those occasions when your teenager is about to make a huge mistake. The reality is that we all have to make personal decisions on how we're going to raise our own kids. The relationship naturally changes as they get older, and the expectations pare and kids have of each other are the same.
7
@Rene I think there are certainly times where the unsolicited advice is warranted, but we must take care to choose our battles where it counts.
If we do it too often for issues that are too trivial, our words of guidance will eventually be ignored, even for critical times. It's like the boy who cried wolf.
9
Maybe it is part of growing and evolving.
Fresh eyes on old problems and hands on experience at learning a neccessary life skill.
7
Isn't this true of everyone?
As a husband, I remember getting this advice from older women before I married: Listen, don't fix.
Empathetic listening techniques help everyone.
506
@profwilliams this is exactly the point. My wife is very strong and articulate. She told me early in our marriage: “I want you to listen to me, not solve it!” Men, automatically assume when a woman complains about something, she wants it fixed. Not so. This is not just teenagers.
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@Mike the Moderate
Not just women. Everyone. The men I know want a good listener as much as I do. They need to vent, to vocalize worries and hurts and fears like any human being, and need others to listen quietly. Anyone who actually wants advice will ask for it.
15
Exactly what I was thinking while I read this. Women aren’t looking for a man to fix the problem, just listen and empathize. I wish I had learned that earlier in my life.
4
Lisa Damour makes an important point, and one that shouldn't be limited to our teens. While an "open door, no advice, no judgment" policy eases the path to processing for our teens, it does the same for our friends, family and clients (if you've got 'em).
Everyone's got advice to give, but few really want it.
237
@SD - Especially, those "friends" (and sisters) who volunteer their unsolicited ideas as to how we can "improve our lives", eh?
6
@SD reminds me of the saying, "take my advice...I am not using it."
12