It's all part of Soylent Green. Funerals for the still living become final parties with friends. No worry about organ donation... the reclamation vats will take all of you. And you will feed the hungry, and we will all be Soylent Green.
I collect old photos and belong to several vintage photo groups on Facebook, including one that exists to ridicule high ticket "post mortem" photos offered on eBay.
This is just nonsense: "For decades, one of the most common uses of this new technology was the post-mortem photo: an artfully composed image, taken by a professional photographer, of dead family members in all manner of poses. Dead children in the laps of their parents, often with their eyes painted open; dead adults dressed in their finest clothes; even dead parents holding their living children; or entire families, wiped out by diseases like cholera, typhoid or diphtheria, nestled together in bed."
Yes, there were lots of post mortem photos but they were mostly people lying in bed or in a coffin. Occasionally a baby in its mother's arms.
A dead body can't be propped up. It's, you know, dead weight. Those stands that you might see in some photos behind the sitter's head? No, they are't to hold up a body, they were used because the exposures took so long that the sitters needed help to stay very still. Yes, eyes were sometimes painted on, but not because the sitter was dead but because they blinked.
No, our ancestors absolutely did not dress their loved ones in their finest clothes and take them to the photographer's studio to be photographed, propped up on stands.
Google "post mortem photo myths" if you want more information.
2
Yes, this is a common practice in some areas. I well remember when I was a nursing home social worker for my county in the 1970s, a woman coming in to show me photos of her deceased mother in her coffin. I was young and quite taken aback. At the same time, the daughter was clearly delighted with the photos. I also recall a friend who took videos of his teenager son's funeral after death from muscular dystrophy. It was running in their home when I dropped by on the first anniversary of the child's death. I would not do this, but if it gives someone else comfort, why not?
3
I took a photo of my grandfather in his casket. Probably 20 years go. With my cellphone. I sent it to my mother, his daughter, shortly after the funeral. I don’t remember ever hearing anything else about it. I could never imagine that my mother found the photo offensive.
I remember seeing a post-mortem portraits exhibit in Museé d’Orsay years ago. The photos were hauntingly beautiful and the show was tastefully done. I would love to see some of these modern day iPhone post-mortem photos together in an exhibition too.
2
It's interesting how the motorcycle family had handled death. They have had images of death emblazoned all over them and around them for their whole adult lives, flaming skulls, a preference for black, etc.
2
digital death mask? I enjoy the last picture I took of my mother upright: she still looks alive.
It's about time that there was some cultural shift away from $20,000 funerals, with $10,000 caskets with gold handles that will rot in the ground.
That has never made sense to me. The funeral industry is a multi-billion business that preys on people at in most cases the worst time of their lives.
Time to have a cultural shift.
10
Coming from India, I remember being totally shocked when I attended my first funeral meeting in the United States. In India, the elderly die at home, surrounded and cared for by family members, the body remains at home and is cared for by family members and friends till it is taken for cremation.
You come to terms with the loss of a loved one in a very different way than here.
5
For two family members, I probably took the last photos of them while they were alive. As a physician, I could see decline occurring for many patients, so I used my experience to remind families of these people to take their photos and share moments while they were alive, if possible, and in a non-hospital setting. Photography after death is harder, because the body is stark. This article does, however, describe how it can be done with love.
2
In the very early 19th century, before the Victorian age and photography, in rural Massachusetts the artist Ruth Henshaw Bascom (who did silhouettes in pastel) was often called to a home in her village to do a portrait of a deceased person. I assume this sort of thing was done elsewhere.
I regret not having a picture of my Mom in her casket. I was overwhelmed when she passed and did what I thought was appropriate, for everybody else.
When I found my father I took a picture of him with my phone before the funeral home came for his body. From time to time I look at that picture on my phone and I’m glad I have it, it is comforting in an odd way.
2
I remember when both my parents had passed, first my father, who was the first close person to know that died, and seeing him there lying in the hospital bed as I cried my eyes out, I thought, man, this is really it, this is maybe the last time I would ever see him again, and so with that, I took out my phone and took a picture of him. I thought it was kind of weird at first and I even looked around to see if anyone had saw me, but looking back, just as I did with my mother who would pass several years later, have no regrets doing so. The emotional as well historical value I feel is just to priceless, so I can understand why some would do such. It funny, despite us all having a camera literally in the pocket, we really take it fro granted, I feel, when the subject of the capture is ethereal.
1
I read this article earlier today after coming home from a funeral. Death is as personal and intimate as it is inevitable and we all have different ways of processing it and its aftermath. As Americans come to the brink of what I hope is a sweeping shift in our relationship with end-of-life care and ritual it's only normal that many of us will turn to social media to process and share our grief. With light bearers like Doctor Atul Gawande and mortician Caitlin Doughty to guide us I believe that we're heading in an important and healthy direction. I appreciate the personal stories that people are sharing here and hope that we can treat both the dead and bereaved with empathy and respect as our concept of death evolves. May we tread with loving care as we watch our beloveds die and be remembered and honored by their community in the ways that feel right to them.
2
In reading these comments I am truly saddened that some find the idea of taking photos of the dead! Is it that you feel they are disrespect?
My son was killed suddenly, years ago, but it could have happened yesterday! I remember every second of that nightmare and I don't have pictures! Neither he or I and my husband were able to say good bye or I love you one more time.
The whole funeral and burial was felt rushed, like it was something to be endured and hurried perhaps for the benefit of others. I don't know if I would ever share the pictures, if I had any, with others. But I can say with confidence they would be treasured by his father and I.
This just seems right to me, a way to honor someone whom you loved and took your time saying goodbye. It's not for everyone, I guess but at least it's an option for others.
11
How beautiful! I wish I had this opportunity with my son when he died in 1993! This is so much more natural than the funeral director wanting to know what you want on the head stone 2 days after your precious loved one has died or ironing his shirt for the final time.
I remember the last time I kissed his forehead, I could feel the ridge or a childhood scar with my lips. That moment is seared forever in my memory. This would be so much more meaningful! I grateful that others will benefit from this generosity of spirit!
15
@Deb
I too lost a son in 2003. He was only 19 years old. I also agree that in having photos of that last time before the ceremony is a treasure that will be inscribed upon your heart. I did have someone to make a cast of his hands and during the last viewing I was able to feel his hands, the whorls on his fingertips, the scars and scrapes from baseball. I kissed him and caressed him for the last time. I also took photos. It's been a while, but his memory stays with me and I'll pull out the photos just to refresh my memory. It's not to dwell on pain, (that never goes away), it's a way to always know that I had a little boy whom I dearly loved.
12
@mzzmo My son was 20 when I lost him. It's amazing that all those little things , like the whirls and scars on his fingers, become such treasured memories.
I kept a journal from the beginning because I was afraid I might not remember it all. I could rewrite the same account from memory now, probably just as accurately. You don't forget.
I also have a photo album so the children of his siblings can know him too. It's not something I share with everybody, I've found others find it morbid. It's wonderful when I can say his name out loud because too often it feels like others forget his existence.
A Dr. told me that when you conceive the fetus, your son, implants his DNA on your brain in order to prevent your body from rejecting it. He said that DNA stays there for the life of the mother.
Thank you for sharing with me!
8
Americans have too many hangups around death and dying. We need to embrace this as an integral part of living. How people want to die, and how they choose to commemorate the event are deeply personal choices. Posting photos of loved ones who have passed, when done with respect and love, is a way to celebrate a life.
44
The main reason that Victorians took post-mortem photos was because photography was very expensive so they had no pictures of anybody in the family. A post-mortem portrait was the last chance. Most people had no kind of photos, not even a post-mortem, due to the cost.
25
My father died 50 years ago. I remember looking upon his cold, dead face in the casket, an image I carry with me today as crystal clear as the very moment I saw it. I treasure the photographs of him holding me high as a baby and the joy in his face as he pulled a trout from a Colorado stream.
7
“You can die in a way that has beauty attached,” said Amy Cunningham, 64, a funeral director in Brooklyn who specializes in “green” burials, without embalming or metal coffins, and assists families who are caring for their dead at home.
What’s “green” about this?
This sound like a traditional Jewish burial.
Simple, no embalming, no metal coffins, bathing the body and draping in simple muslin.
8
@mandarine I saw somewhere that you can take anybody’s traditions or cultures and give it a “fancy names” and Americans would buy into it, they would believe it and pay extra to get the service. It’s the american way!
Yes, immediate burial with no embalming and no metal in the body’s container is part of the Jewish tradition, but it is ALSO green. One aspect of this article that diverges from Jewish tradition is viewing of the deceased. Jewish tradition encourages remembering the person when alive, thus no viewing, certainly no photographs (I am assuming here). I have buried my entire family the Jewish way.... personally I rather like this natural extension and acceptance that is espoused in this article.
1
No, not for me. No iPhones, photographs, death doulas, laying out and dressing and viewing my body, fuss, flowers, coffin, funeral, life celebration, mourners, or memorials. Just have my body taken to the crematory and cremated as soon as possible. Scatter my ashes in the place I have requested. Have my short obituary published exactly as I have written it, and if the newspaper is unwilling to do that, then I'd rather have no obituary at all. The people I care about will know the important facts about my life without an obituary. They will also understand that I'd rather go out like Michael Henchard (The Mayor of Casterbridge) than the subjects of this NYT article.
6
Sounds like a great plan and similar to mine. I have the location chosen and have left instructions to include my cats who have since passed and have been cremated that their ashes are to be mixed with mine. "The heart remembers who it loved the most"
4
America is waking up to new ways to mourn and that’s okay. I was asked to take pictures at a funeral in Ghana because it was assumed that the white lady had a camera. The community supplied the film. I had to get over the idea of taking pictures of the young children standing next to their dead mother. But culturally this was important to everyone.
28
Years ago funeral parlour pictures from Harl Taylor's viewing in Nassau made the rounds to the consternation of those of us so "gifted".
More sacrileges would follow (the Bahamas would come up with the crass concept of drive thru viewings) but seeing Mr Taylor's corpse propped at his desk back in 2007 was god-awful.
His hands/body were grossly outsized due to the circumstances of his murder ( his body wasnt discovered for 2 days); yet there in those poor hands someone had placed his pen and nearby a few of the handbags he'd designed.
The only light touch was the comical photo of a church lady taken from behind, her hands on her ample hips, & beautiful hat askew, she took in the grisly tableau: she was either shocked out of her gourd or nodding;
" Yes doesn't he just look like himself?!"
I daresay the poor corpse doesn't care, but good grief people!!
3
Get out of Dallas. However, the grieving are free to choose how they want to depart from their dead loved ones. My advanced directive clearly states, no kissing my cold dead corpuscular remains.
5
@richard wiesner I'm about 30 years past the age of dying and leaving a good looking corpse. How ever, if it is easier for my children to have a hands, on personal burial I'm fine with what ever works for them.
But I think I would prefer the 'hands on' to having an embalmer feed a line into my femoral artery to drain my blood and replace it with formaldehyde! I'd like to leave this world with all myself intact, the same way I entered.
2
I was with deceased Mother and dying then dead brother in last three years and it NEVER occurred to me to photograph their dead bodies.
What an incredible invasion of privacy.
And you want that on your phone? on Facebook?
Disgusting and a hauntable offense.
Believe me, you can use your own , apparently small and weak, brain to remember them.
4
Ok so my first thought is Only in America, but anyhow photographing your recently deceased loved ones is very weird. Furthermore posting those photos on social media is taking it to a level that is beyond unacceptable.
17
@Alec No not only in America. It is Americans who are so afraid of death, that they have made it into an industry!
10
The only death I have been present for, so far, was my mother’s. I kissed her and said again, “I love you.” I did not take a photo. Later the undertakers came and prepared her for cremation. I did not watch. I looked away when they took her body out the door. I wish to remember her as she was in life.
11
My dad had always been a warm, gracious host. His life ended gently and peacefully in bed, in a hospice. Shortly after he died, friends began arriving--some I had called, others had been on their way to visit anyway. We all sat around his room, talking, reminiscing, even laughing a little. And even though he still lay in the bed, it didn't feel macabre or strange at all; it just seemed like Daddy presiding over his final party.
10
While the act of sharing such personal photos on social media is certainly "strange", the far stranger practice of embalming corpses is never really questioned.
It's understandable that people would want to memorialize that last image of their loved one.
What's not really understandable is the expectation of embalming, for everyone. Unless the person specifically requests not to be embalmed, it's just assumed that they want it.
The deceased is either going to be cremated, buried or both. Injecting them with chemicals to preserve the body for an open casket (or whatever) seems absurd, not to mention environmentally damaging.
5
@Viv Embalming took hold during the Civil War so that the dead could be shipped home for burial. After Lincoln was assassinated he was embalmed and his body made a long train circuit before his burial in Springfield, Illinois. After that embalming became common practice.
5
@Viv Growing up in Argentina, I remember open caskets but without embalming (and family members kissing their dead loved ones...)
@Marion Evans
I like your history about embalming in our country.
In the state of Georgia USA a Catholic monastery in Conyers has a natural burial site for anyone wishing to just be buried in a sack on their grounds.
1
Perhaps one consideration is that in the 1800s people were much more comfortable with death and its inevitability. There were no hospitals with the technology to keep people alive with tubes and machines. Death of children was sadly common - just visit any historic cemetery and the story is told. My great grandparents lost five children in 10 days to small pox in 1976. Having photos of departed children was likely somewhat of a comfort. I have a photo of the 3 year old daughter of a distant cousin who, it notes on the back, choked to death. The photo is beautiful in it's own way, and may have provided comfort to the family. Dead family members were often laid out in the "parlor" as mentioned in the article, and friends and family came to sit with them. Death somehow became sanitized in a way, and thought to almost be abnormal. I find it interesting to some degree that some are coming full circle. That being said, I can't see myself posting photos of a deceased relative on my Facebook page.
6
My next door neighbor, the daughter of a Polish immigrant, had entire albums of photos that she took of her dead relatives, including her father, mother, and husband, in their coffins at the funeral home. I remember her showing them to some college friends of mine when we stopped at my parents' home for a visit (this was some 40 years ago). They were shocked by the photos, though they continued to look at them and ask questions about the people (I guess they were fascinated by them). They asked her why she would keep them. She just said rather matter-of-factly, "I was never going to see them again, so I wanted a picture of what they last looked like." She also took photos of attendees--it was a get-together, after all.
3
If one googles 'post mortem photography,' you'll quickly find a rather large cache of Victorian-era photos featuring portraits of the dead, both children and adults, either posed singularly or in a group setting, typically with other family members. And yes, no question, they are unsettling to early 21st century eyes. That said, I recall a long ago conversation with my grandmother, who grew up in the early 1900s, and how as a child, she had survived an illness that had killed a number of other children in her neighborhood. Her point, simply, was that death was a much more common event in communities, and that the health and longevity we commonly take for granted today was anything but assured. What those photos tell us, without apology, is that death was no stranger to those people in those times. Indeed, it was a member of the family.
15
My husband, a very private person specifically told our son NOT to photograph him in the hospice or after his death. He did not want info, or any info, going out onto or otherwise being memorialized by photographs.
I recall the tenderness of the hospice staff who washed his body and laid him out. And we spent a couple hours alone with him.
We were with him when he died. And he looked so peaceful in death. But there is no way I need a photo of him from then. I have the memory. And I have many photos of him when he was alive.
21
This isn't really just about taking photos of the dead. It's also about how and where the dying process occurs, what happens to the body after death, how that death is celebrated/memorialized, and the wishes of both the deceased and the survivors. There isn't one right answer for any of them.
And it's far easier to imagine what you think death will be and how you would handle it than what death actually turns out to be. My husband died after a long and difficult illness, and it showed in his face, his body, and the look in his eyes. He wanted to die at home, but we weren't able to get the logistics in place in time. I was silently relieved because he needed more care than we could feasibly give him at home. I wanted to sit and talk to him and stroke his arm when the time came, but touch was too painful for him and if I talked he struggled to remain conscious and answer when I knew the best was to silently let him go. I took a photo of him shortly before his death, but I rarely look at it. It's what he looked like in his dying hour, but it wasn't who he was. And I never would have posted it on social media even though we'd kept an online journal of his illness. The photo would have been too invasive, too private, and he wouldn't have wanted that. Honoring his wishes was important to me even after he was gone. Other people might have made different decisions, but I did what felt right to me then and would do the same now.
32
A little over a month ago, my sister died in hospice at home with family caring for and loving her. My sister fought multiple myeloma for fourteen years, and wanted to live longer to watch her grandson grow up.
My four-year old great-nephew made his ‘Buela an altar with red matchbox cars and Good Night Moon last week for Valentine’s Day.
My iPhone was with me at her bedside, and I thought about pictures, but when I heard about the altar I realized it is our shared memories, grief and love that captures my sister’s image.
I’m glad I kept the phone in my pocket; and I’ll hold onto pictures in my mind and these new images as ways to keep her with us.
7
I am so happy you mentioned David Wojnarowicz. He is a hero of mine and a pioneer in so many ways. He, amongst a handful of others, made me an AIDS activist.
Your article brought me moments of deep reflection with eyes closed in what have otherwise been an ordinary hectic morning.
11
My wife and me held my sister in laws hand as she died at home from a sudden late Dx of stage4 cancer ,we took care of her at home with her husband when they summoned us from NYC to help down South "Guys now is the time". My sister in law died with us holding her hands and comforting her in her own home where she could by her own desire watch the birds and the tall pine trees out the window.
Being with a loved one who so incredibly dies w/o remorse or sadness showed all of us when the time comes for us to die how to do it with peace and grace, it sounds corny but that is exactly what it was and, for my sis in law her pain from stomach cancer was now over for her and her friends and family.
19
Beautiful.
Well done, Carlyle T.
4
When my son died from addiction we had his body brought back home. He had refused all offers of help before he died, he chose his own path. We don’t have open casket funerals in our family, but we made an exception in his case. Besides, I had to see him to convince my self that it was real. We told the funeral director to please make sure he was well groomed, and we provided beautiful clothes for him. I wanted to give him back his dignity. I took two pictures of him, I have never shown them to anyone. He was my baby, my boy, my troubled teenager, my adult son who suffered greatly from a terrible affliction. I look at the pictures now and then, to convince myself that it is real.
76
My 22-year-old brother died from a hiking fall, Marion Evans.
An open casket is a must for one to reconcile oneself to the awful truth.
My thoughts to you and your son.
21
As a filmmaker I videotaped my father a day or two before he died 25 years ago. He was awake and we spoke a bit as I taped him, but he was obviously quite ill. I have not ever viewed it....nor will I ...I think I took the video because I wanted to be able to hold on to a memory of him. I discovered my memories were clear in my mind. That is all I ever needed.
21
While Jewish tradition does not permit displaying a person after death, those who wash the deceased are volunteers, the body is not embalmed, burial garments are made of natural fibers only, and the casket is plain wood. So the natural funeral has never needed to be rediscovered by Jews.
30
@Lawyermom
The same practice is done in Orthodox Christian families, and probably certain Muslim families as well.
Embalming the deceased, putting makeup on them to make them look "alive" for the comfort of people to stare at them in an open casket strikes me as just plain weird and disrespectful.
5
Sometimes on insomniac nights my mind goes back to the horrific night my mom died. I have to will myself away from the memory of her dead. Why anyone would want to remember that moment is beyond me.
10
Almost
People are different.
4
It's such a strange thing, at least to me.
What of the privacy of the deceased?
If permission is given ahead of the death, by the dying one, I guess, okay.
Otherwise, no, please.
19
@jazz one my sentiments exactly. Some of this smacks of today’s compulsion to over document and overshare. If someone consents you it before death I’ve got no problem with it.
3
"They are sending their dead off as their grandparents used to, and recording the event and its aftermath with their smartphones."
No privacy nowadays even in death. Especially not in death, it seems.
7
@Ed you'll get over it
1
@Ed
Living in this city and being elderly if I drop dead on 6th avenue during lunch hour , I will be smart phoned photographed to be sure. I would hope someone would then after taking photo's look in my wallet and inform the people I have posted inside "IN AN EMERGENCY" to notify them of my fate. I probably should putin my wallet another notice Please do not broadcast my dying bod on Citizen APP!
This has always been a thing in African American communities.
6
What a superficial comment, Mike M.
It's not a 'thing'
It's heart and soul and a lifetime of emotion and humanity.
3
I would've enjoyed this article more if there weren’t 8 or 9 ads featuring Warren Buffet every few inches. Ugh.
10
Thanks Mark Zuckerberg for bringing us to this very dark place...
3
About half a century ago, I was looking through my mother's collection of old 78s, which itself was underneath a box of old papers; and between a couple of the records was a photograph of a dead toddler.
I showed it to my mother, who exclaimed that it must be her brother who died before she was born, and she promptly ripped it up and threw away the pieces.
Someone in her family had snapped the photo; it was a different, older, more sentimental generation. To my mother, it was a bit barbaric. To me, it was a curiosity. That's how things go.
I don't hold with the practice myself.
8
Right after the picture of what one had for breakfast comes a picture of their mother’s dead body. What a versatile format. Can’t wait to die and hopefully maybe get as many likes as a bowl of cornflakes.
14
Articles like these is one of the reasons I subscribe to the New, New York Times! Who needs the National Enquirer, The New York Post, and the like, when we can read about Death, Disease, and Mean - Spiritedness, in the Old Grey Lady?!
4
I really wish the NYT would consider posting warnings on these sorts of articles, and enclosing such pictures inside the articles, so they're at least one voluntary click away.
Please have some respect for those of us who are understandably bothered by these sorts of photos, and for those of us who have children who have trouble sleeping when something on as respectable of a website as the NYT features something so disturbing to so many. Is it that the NYT just wants more clicks? If not--if the NYT is purely interested in informing its readership of a different way of coping with death, then why not just place a small warning on the article, and allowing those who care to read and see more about it, click it without subjecting us all to this content? In all honesty, these sorts of photos, that appear albeit rarely, make me want to reconsider my subscription. Maybe I just wanted to see where Buttigieg was in the polls, and now I have to find a way to work this out of my mind before I go to bed tonight just like another gentlemen has remarked in this comments section.
14
@James Yet you clicked on the piece anyway and got to the comments section?
3
The baby photo is immensely disturbing.
I had a son born very early, who never made it home from the hospital, living only 23 days. Family gathered there while we were letting him go, and a very kind nurse took pictures for us, as we took turns holding him. She also, after he passed, took an additional number of beautifully posed, softly-lit, images of him. They were presented to us in a small album, which I keep in our bedroom. The images are beautiful, not morbid, and all I have to remember Gordon by.
8
A good death movement. America, what a country!
@Jeanie LoVetri Yes, it's kind of weird, isn't it. There's no end to New Age things here, and what better place to keep up with them than the NYT.
Have you considered that many readers, myself included, may find the photo that headlines the article offensive, and even repulsive? You could still publish the photo, if you must, but inside the article, and with a warning that the article contains graphic images of death that some readers may not want to be forcefully exposed to, as I just have been by the simple expedient of going to the Times homepage.
8
There’s this idea that you shouldn’t post pictures of children online without their consent. I can imagine that should probably apply to corpses as well.
8
@Ruby Moore
Hard to get a model release from a corpse.
1
Classy picture Robert. Nothing like a skull in flames for a funeral.
2
Here’s hoping I outlive the Kardashians to see what internment outfits and poses they will chose. On second thought...
5
An observation: Caitlin Doughty's hairstyle is not a "crop." Ms. Doughty wears her hair in a pageboy.
1
Photographs of dead people in nice poses? Why stop there? Why not just stuff them and mount them on the wall?
7
Really sick.
1
sick, sick sick!
2
My mom took scads of terrible photos all her life, usually managing to cut off half of people’s heads because she was sloppy and in a hurry and had crappy equipment. She tried, I loved her dearly, but her attempts to “record the scene” at all times was obnoxious to be sure. I remember my dad saying “she’ll take pictures of me when I’m dead” and laughing in his funny way. But sure enough she did (this was 40 years ago). Dad had died of stroke, his face was distorted and I did not want to remember him that way. I recently came across one of those pictures of dad in his casket. I thought I’d thrown them all away because they were awful and haunting and I have tried to erase the image from my head. It’s not a picture I want there, and this article has unhappily resurrected it. I’m not too proud to admit that I don’t do any social media and if I did I would never share such things to any but close family who would at least understand and have sympathy for whatever the motive for sharing. I can’t imagine throwing such a thing into the cyber void for possible strangers to see for as long as there is civilization, if that’s what we call our current state of affairs! Reminds me of one of my kids coming across a photo of Robin Williams, so disturbing. Why would anyone put that out there. However, I won’t judge. If people have beautiful photos of family at such moments fine. But best to keep it to yourself.
6
My father died in the same way (massive cerebral hemorrhage) and I cannot think of anything more horrible than coming across a photograph of him post mortem. The memory of a painted-up corpse in a casket is disturbing enough 35 years later.
1
I read an article in The Atlantic today about a person who photographs stillborn infants for their families. The photos were beautiful and heartbreaking. And the families seemed so grateful. My mother had two stillborn babies in the 1950s and she kept nothing to remember them by; she and my father rarely even mentioned the babies, and when I did genealogical research, I could only find a burial site for one of my siblings, a site no one ever visited or discussed. Surely, this article, and the one in The Atlantic reveal a healthier mindset than that of my parents’ day.
13
I have two short comments. The first: People should grieve, morn, and/or celebrate the death (life) of their loved ones as seems fitting to them. (And, hopefully, in a way consistent with what the deceased would have wished.)
However, I do think that folks should be cognizant of the potential reaction of others when sharing the experience. Case in point: Several years ago I called a friend to express condolences when his father passed away. I was somewhat surprised when I found myself in a face call -- the gentlemen was laid out on his death bed and a few family members and friends clustered at the foot of the bed. No one asked me whether or not I wished to be included in this online conversation and visual wake while I extended my sympathies.
Second point: Many of us have been comfortable -- if not exactly happy -- with death for most of our lives. Open view and open casket service is part of my tradition. Why is it that each new development these days is heralded as epoch changing. Here I refer back to the article where death doulas and other end of life specialists announce that it is now time for us to get comfortable with death (again?).
I appreciate that many are turning to green burial practices for a variety of reasons. I deplore our collective tendency to be so narcissistic that we think we have just liberated society from the dark ages. Commodification of such emergent and re-emergent practices may also be a factor here.
5
Birth, life and death should be as unique, creative and unconventional as we can safely allow without infringing on the freedom of others to do the same.
43
The phones have displaced experience and memory.
Some haven't seen the Mona Lisa without the selfie. Death the same.
It becomes a surreal nightmare.
8
I want to be buried in a bio degradable sack, preferably a potato sack or something from around the house, that breaks down fast, in the dirt, If I could get away with it, way back in the woods behind my house, unmarked grave
no chemicals, let me return to nature like the compost I turn with my shovel.
All this fuss with dead bodies, we are hoarders of the dead, the amount of energy and resources, the grave stones, funerals, the ongoing maintenance of burial plots, my goodness live your life and when you die, melt away.
We are so caught up with legacy and memorializing ones life, live well and be present, love others or whatever you believe in, and when you go, be gone, don't let your ego try to survive , most of us will be forgotten, and its ok, its almost liberating if you reflect on it.
51
Ask for a Jewish burial...without the head stone a year later.
2
@Oella Saw and Tool
Lovely. me too. ThankYou
1
So well said...my thoughts and feelings exactly!
I can’t even stand online “condolence” sites—send a handwritten note; what’s wrong with you!—so you know I’m creeped out by social media “grief.” And I’d haunt my kids if they ever posted pictures of my dead body.
I’m comfortable with death. In various professional and personal capacities, I’ve handled many bodies and grieved by many bedsides. But it’s always extraordinary to me how thoroughly the spirit has departed, and how very empty the shell is.
If it’s comforting to you, by all means take pictures. Just please don’t put them on social media or show them to me, because I loved the spirit that was in that body, and I deeply, intensely, miss that spirit. I want to grieve the laughing, joyful, thoughtful person that used to be, not a painted shell displayed to thousands of acquaintances.
88
Here is a great poem by Philip Larkin that I often read to myself and others when I think about life and death and how we sometimes react when it comes into our life:
Days
BY PHILIP LARKIN
What are days for?
Days are where we live.
They come, they wake us
Time and time over.
They are to be happy in:
Where can we live but days?
Ah, solving that question
Brings the priest and the doctor
In their long coats
Running over the fields.
Philip Larkin, "Days " from Whitsun Weddings. Copyright © Estate of Philip Larkin. Reprinted by permission of Faber and Faber, Ltd.
- David Torgoff hospice Rn
5
All of my and my husband are going to the National Disease Research Interchange where they will be used for research. I find the concept of caskets and burial ridiculous at this time. Taking pics of the dead are utterly beyond the pale. Remember them as they were in life. Save the earth for trees and flowers.
6
@Buddhabead
Make sure your family doesn't get a box of ashes a year later like my aunt did of her sister who had donated her body to science. When they are done, they cremate the rest and send back to family.
1
@Mad What's wrong with that?
I'm surprised your aunt didn't know this was going to happen.
1
It's a beautiful way to accept a passing. After a long illness away from family and quickly wisked away to a funeral home is not the way to be remembered.
7
"The iPhone at the Deathbed"
No other brand/make/model of phone is ever used at deathbeds? Very odd.
4
During the week when my husband was dying after a long illness, as well as just after his death, I took a number of photos of him. At the time I wondered (and I still wonder) if it this was a macabre thing to do, but I also thought I would regret it if I did not take the photos, and the iphone was there. Months later, I am glad I took them. They are very terrible photos in some ways; the process of death ravaged him. But they are a document of his last days and hours on earth, and of how death took him. I showed them to some close friends and family members, but did not include them on the memory board at the memorial; they seemed too intimate.
68
I love this. Many will not understand, but I do. Thank you.
12
@Boffin When my Mother was dying, I too took some photographs, including her on her deathbed. I would not make them public, but have shared them with relatives who wanted to see her one last time.
8
@Boffin Good for you. I wish I had taken a post-mortem photo of my husband, but at the time I thought it was too weird to do such a thing, even though I am a photographer. It's like the article says, the photo shows you were there to the end, sat by the bedside, touched your loved one. A tangible reminder of the process you went through together.
12
It's not the photo. It's not really even the idea behind taking it.
What is so off-putting is that people are so eager to post it to Social Media. There's grandma! Right there next to the photo of the veal marsala from that fabulous restaurant we went to last night.
Is there anything 'private' anymore?
30
Everybody wants to see, from the notes here, a "beautiful" cadaver for the very short time it is still in "human" shape. How many want to see a decomposed body?
Ghoulish? Try it, and then talk to me about death and how comfortable you are with it.
"Google" photos of decomposed bodies and many will appear. I have done it (once) and was left so hopeless, so depressed at what is behind the whole story of life and death that I almost collapsed. The memory has stayed with me for long, and it has been a greater influence towards my terror of death than anything before. Of course, I tell myself that I won't be there, that if there is an essence it will have nothing to do with my corpse, but still, I cannot reconcile the two.
It is very easy to rhapsodize about photos and rituals of dead people while they are still fresh from having died. It is another to look at a cadaver when decomposed. I dare you to do so.
We will not go into the matter of the stench of our bodies when we start to decompose, will we? I have only read about it, and it is a terrifying thought.
THIS is life?...
Foolish hearts that we can be with our "lost illusions"...
4
Allowing photographs of myself after I have passed on to be posted on social media or on someone's mantle? Over my dead body.
22
I thing it’s perfectly fine (and even lovely) if a person wishes to take a photo of their dead loved one - or themselves with their dead loved one - for personal remembrance sake. Choosing to then post the pic on social media removes _all_ loveliness from the initial gesture.
6
Photos of the dead dressed up and looking like they are peacefully asleep is just another way for those of us who are still alive to avoid having to deal with the reality of death. Essentially, we are using the bodies of the deceased to make us feel better. Doesn't sound very dignified to me.
8
Death is a very big part of life. Only our life is remembered after death. With that in mind, I would wish that my life pictures be remembered, not my death so I would prefer that my relatives would not take pictures of my death.
BTW, a nice piece to reflect on a topic we normally shy away from.
4
Wisconsin Death Trip is an interesting book.
In my family, and that of many other immigrant families around us, photographs of death were common. Copies were sent to the "Old Country" to verify that someone had died. Most often, the dead person would lie in state in the living room of his/her home.
Are people now making home movies of funerals?
2
Great article. I look forward to this being a normal practice, rather than the sterile, car dealership experience of dealing with funeral homes, even if it only involves cremation. Most of the rest of the world already practices some form of it.
3
If the photo can respect and honor the loved one and bring comfort to family, great. I was with my elderly mother during her death and it was not a peaceful death despite the best efforts of hospice. I know she would not have wanted to be photographed the way she was after death. She no longer looked like herself and the photo would have haunted me. It has taken months for intrusive memories of her deathbed vigil to subside. A few days before her death I took a poignant photo of her in her wheelchair and I look at it often. It reminds me that death can be a blessing. The best thing about the IPhone for me was enabling my long-distance relatives to say their goodbyes to Mom in privacy as I held the phone to her ear. She was comatose then but I believe she heard them.
11
Some people find viewing and touching a loved one who's passed to be an important part of the process. Some find it horrifying and dehumanizing, as if the person they loved is now just a rotting "thing." And at first glance, you might think those distinctions are religious. In my experience, this difference in how people feel about death cuts across religious and non-religious lines.
I'm someone who wants to touch someone I loved and say goodbye. The very idea horrifies my husband. When we go to a viewing, my husband waits outside. When I talk about sitting with my grandmother's body and talking to her while we waited for the funeral director to come, he's visibly disturbed. When we were going to a wake for someone we both cared for dearly, and he found out he would be at the wake in his casket, my husband decided to stay home. He couldn't be there...with that.
Perhaps this "death positive" movement will help some people embrace this part of life with shared grieving rather than fear or disgust. But I suspect that for most, this is a hardwired response. I respect the differences in how people respond to death, and I would never post photos like this on social media. I wouldn't want to hurt people, like my husband, who just aren't psychologically in the same place.
20
I seem to remember that elephants touch their deceased herd mates. Thank you for this posting.
3
This is such a disturbing piece. The history of "the practice" does not involve posting pictures to Social Media. These were memorial pieces created as part of the grieving process and to establish a historical record for the family. People didn't display daguerrotypes in the town square. I can understand the private need to memorialize, not the public display. Your inclusion of photographs with this piece is quite problematic.
I saw my husband's heart beat slowly diminish and disappear while surrounded by the usual ICU paraphernalia. The last thing I would want is to have him memorialized in death. I have a hard time typing this now trying to chase the imagery away. In my pictures, he smiles his golden smile while on a road trip, while fishing, hiking, living.
33
@EB I am terribly sorry you had to lose your husband this way.
I do think your response illustrates a generational divide- I am guessing here but are you a boomer?
The “argument”: it’s not right for me, so it must not be right for anyone is not particularly compelling to younger generations who value choice, independence, and are far more accepting of others’ cultures and needs.
2
@NF
I don’t think this is a generational thing. People of all ages want alternatives to the modern death industrial complex. I will say from personal experience that witnessing a less-than-Hollywood type of death, even if you feel comfortable with death in general, can be very traumatizing and alter your world view. I can understand and respect EB’s feelings.
5
@NF Thank you. I am not a boomer. I am 50.
I am not sure which "younger generations" you are referring to here. Are those the ones who require trigger warnings before reading/discussion of a fictional violent act (as in a classroom setting)? Are these the young who are very concerned about privacy and oppose photographs being taken in public places without consent?
I needed a trigger warning before opening this article.
My grandfather, after he died at home, was photographed with a candle burning at his head. My mother, too, was photographed this way when she died at home twenty years ago.
The soft light of the candle eases some of the starkness from the face in its extremity. The fact that the candle's light dims so soon as it moves away from the source adds a metaphorical element.
8
@James R. Wilson if this brings some comfort to the bereaved, fine. But to me, making it public is disrespectful.
2
Once upon a time, so I am told, newspapers had a policy of not showing dead bodies. At least individually recognizable ones. I deeply wish that was the policy today. Or hide such photos behind a link with a clear warning. I have seen my close relatives at the moment of death, and washed the body of my mother minutes after her death. While death is an unavoidable part of life, I find this public intrusion into the deaths of strangers inappropriate and upsetting. Please stop.
17
@Maria The family posted it to Facebook, so where is the intrusion? Just asking,
3
Do what you want. My mother died in the hospital and it never occurred to me to haul out the iPhone and start shooting.
I preferred photos taken while she was alive and alert; not at the end when dementia and illness took over.
26
I’m sorry but I sat next to my wife’s hospital bed as her heartbeat gradually slowed, intubated and with IV lines running from her arms. I have worked for the last three years to get that image out of my head. Perhaps in some cases these photos are “beautiful” and comforting but not that. I want to remember her from my favorite photo of her hoisting a wild salmon she had just caught up in the back of a boat someplace off British Columbia; her brilliant smile and joyful expression. That’s what I want to remember.
89
@Lightning14 I have to believe that the way you've chosen to remember your wife is how she would want you to remember her. The story you tell of her is beautiful and I'm very glad you decided to share it.
14
To add to the narrative, I made a snap decision to take a picture of my dad just after he died about 2y ago. We all walked out of his hospital room after grieving by his bedside after he passed away, but I made up an excuse to go back in and took a picture. I store it secretly in a folder in my Google cloud and nobody knows about. I have looked at it from time to time but I wouldn't dream of posting it (worth disclosing: I don't post pictures on any social media; and only occasionally do I "like" pictures, usually when they are from my daughters!). The picture both haunts me and keeps me connected to my dad. It pains me on the one hand because I was the main person making the decision to push the morphine, knowing that he would just languish longer if I did nothing. I've seen enough people die to know he was about to do the same - but to assume this responsibility was difficult and it stays with me. At the moment, I can't imagine ever putting that picture out there for the world to see - or for that matter, even telling those close to me that I have it. Maybe this well-written article, that I loved reading, will make be reconsider at some point. Thank you to the author of the article.
15
After my mother died in 2004, I was going through all of her personal effects and found a photo of her second husbands father in a casket taken in 1980. Possibly he looked better in death than he did in his last years of life so her husband wanted to preserve that memory.
1
I agree that there's noting objectionable or disrespectful about family members taking photos of and with the deceased. This is not uncommon in the Maori culture, where the body lies "in state" on the marae (traditional communal space) or in the home for a number of days before burial (to give distant family members and friends time to arrive) so that the bereaved can sit with the deceased; from the time of death to the burial, the deceased is never left alone.
However, there's something distasteful about posting these images on social media. At the recent tangi (funerary rites) of my aunt, her son's non-Maori wife posted a photo to Facebook of the deceased and, when this was learned, she was instructed in no uncertain terms to remove it. My aunt was a very proud woman, and very immersed in Maori culture - she would have enjoyed her tangi (there was a great deal of singing and dancing and speeches and tears and laughter) but she would have been horrified at the thought of strangers gawking at her in her final days.
Also, the idea of embalming is anathema to Maori culture. The body should enter the earth as it came into the world, and the thought of the body being contaminated with chemicals, which serve only a cosmetic purpose and subsequently contaminate the earth, causes nothing but revulsion.
26
There must be 10 ad photos for every image for the article.
Talk about disrespect for the dead.
It is indeed an old practice, especially back in the days when people dealt with death at a much more frequent pace because of the lack of medical advances.
People need to accept mortality as simply the random way the world works. Not punishment or retribution for some imagined offense. Not to mention not as an escape from a terrible world. All we know is this life. What might come after leave to after. And don't monetize it with a firehose of repetitive ads please?
1
We Americans have very strange ideas about death and mourning. This is one of the few countries where you are likely to be escorted out of a funeral for crying too loud and upsetting everyone. When my sister died, the whole family was gathered with her body for hours. We were in pain but we were together, and it meant everything to keep watch over her. Then the funeral home people showed up, apologized for taking so long, and promptly shooed us out (so we wouldn't be "upset" by watching them remove the body? We'd just seen her die!). On his way out the door, one of them turned back and said "We're sorry for your loss, and have a wonderful day."
*That's* creepy. Embalming people and stretching the wrinkled skin and smearing makeup... to me that's ghoulish. The bereavement photo is anything but. It's a way of saying, "The loss is real but this person is still part of our family and we choose to be seen embracing them." Often, when a baby dies, it's the only way the parents have to remember them at all.
A former student of mine had her first baby die within hours of being born. She and her husband took a picture of themselves holding the little one, and posted it to Facebook. I was shocked, as were many people, but I understood. The loss was so complete that the two of them couldn't carry it alone. They needed their friends to help them share that absolute pain, as well as the tenderness and beauty that death could not destroy. I cannot think of a more loving tribute.
57
Sharing with “Facebook” friends? Give me a break.
3
When I was faced with the realization that my Mom was at the end of her journey I started takin a photo of her every time I visited her and this lasted for just over 2 months. I treasure those photos and it is crazy how one day I would think this is the end and than the next day she was absolutely glowing. It was an amazing and hard period but I treasure those photos and the story they told of my Moms final days.
36
I did not share these photos on facebook but did show them to close family members
3
My grandmother did not want to be seen when she was dead, but my mother panicked when the mortician asked if she wanted photos before the cremation. My mother was alone - the family had just left for a long trip when my grandmother passed away - and felt funny that she was the only witness to her mother’s death. So she agreed to the photos. When I arrived from out of state, we drove straight to the funeral home to pick up her ashes. My mother was nervous and feeling conflicted about the decision. The mortician appeared with an especially solemn look on his face. He began apologizing profusely. For some unknown reason, her photos had not turned out. It had never happened before! My mother and I looked at each other and burst into laughter. Grandma always got what she wanted.
94
@Kathleen AM I think your anecdote helps steer the direction of this conversation in the right direction. Its hard to get something wrong with something that can't be done right. Death is so personal that judgement ought step back just a bit if not a lot.
17
I came from a third world country where dead came back to the father’s house to be washed and dressed and the likes . Family members and friends , neighbors would come to pay their respects followed by the funerals and still more gathering afterwards. Then I came to the US, and it was the opposite. Bodies are at funeral homes. There is an open caskets or not . Some not to have to see the bodies , just the caskets.
Then one day I saw a mother ushering her two little daughters ( about 2 and 4yo) to cross to the other side of the street because she didn’t want them to see a dead rat that was laying on sidewalk. It made me think of how is this country think of death? There is dead thing everywhere and why avoiding it? This article made it normal that yes death is part of living! Be well !
48
When my mother died a couple of years ago, she'd made all her own arrangements ("All you'll need to do is show up!"), including hair, makeup and nails. It was deeply unsettling to see her in a fussy casket looking like a Madame Trousseau wax figure and to hear remarks like, "She looks great, like she could just sit right up and say hello to you!"
This is so much more genuine.
45
@Randy " "She looks great, like she could just sit right up and say hello to you!"'
Thanks, I needed the laugh.
6
When I was a kid, people brought the deceased home to be "laid out." They were in the living room, in their coffins, and people came by to 'sit up" with the family and the deceased. The house stayed full until the funeral.
I was a little creeped out by that, but at the same time morbidly fascinated. We also were taught to touch the deceased so that we would not dream about them. They were very cold.
I think there are many ways to honor the dead, and I'm glad people are making their own choices and not being dictated to by the funeral industry.
34
Interesting, but as has been pointed out, not new. Having only siblings left, I have no intention of burdening them with dealing with my corpse. The cremation society I'm paying to incinerate me when the time comes will also dispose of the cremains. Otherwise, some poor survivor would have to deal with a container of ash and bone fragment, and might feel pressured to have the remainders of me formally interred, which--with a stone--would cost well over $1,500 locally. That's not how I'd want to be remembered, as sticking somebody with the tab for my final disposal. I wish more people knew about this option.
25
When I was a child of six living in Louisiana a friend of the family died and I heard her funereal would be at her house. I had never been to a funereal and wondered how it was done. When I walked into the house and saw the coffin and her in it I turned right back out and walked back home. i didn't sleep that night and a few more and I never went to a funereal in a house again.
5
My 38 year old son died of pancreatic cancer a few years ago. I carried him and his twin brother for 9 months - upon their arrival, we took pictures of them. After my son was diagnosed in August, I spent every single day at his bedside. I took photos of him almost daily. I posted many photos of him while he was in the process of dying. When he died, I took a photo of him. Now I only wish I had more photos, more videos and more soundbites. I miss him beyond imagination.
122
From one mother to another, I’m so sorry. Love and light going out to you.
14
@JanP
Love to you, JanP.
8
JanP
May the source of peace send peace to all who mourn....and comfort to all who are bereaved....among us here....and wherever such may be.
All my thoughts to you, your son and your family.
11
I grew up in a first generation Sicilian family in the valleys of Pennsylvania, death portraits were the norm. It's a bit jarring comparing notes with friends as I grew up but now that I've lived a good while I've come to realize this is the last physical interaction my family had with the deceased. Its touching and done with great reverence for the decedent, the last we can show to them we love them and will remember them.
The flowers on the grave will fade and die, but we have our physical proof of love to the bitter end.
A well written and touching article Ms Green, thanks for this work today.
24
Almost 30 years ago I lost a daughter too young to survive her early birth. I held her 23 week old body for the 5 minutes she was with me before passing. I so wish I had a picture of her.
161
There is an even simpler way to deal with a dead body but it takes planning. My father in 1997 and my mother in 2008 died and went to medical school at Wright State as anatomy class cadavers. We had memorial services for each of them with over a hundred people in attendance, dad's at the church where they had been members and mother's at her CCRC's auditorium/church. About a year after mother's death I as next of kin was notified that her cremains would be ceremonially interred in a plot at the school reserved for that purpose and inviting us to the ceremony. I assume mother had gotten a similar notification about dad. In neither case did we feel a need to attend.
Body donation has to be organized ahead of time and, as mother would point out, needs to be a comfortable choice for the entire immediate family. Photographs could be taken while waiting for the agent (in my experience a funeral home) hired by the medical school to collect the body. The cost to the family is zero. Doctors are especially respectful of this choice having once benefited from a similar donation.
29
This is just a cultural thing. Different culture, different perspective. To write an article and generalizing your vies using the American standards is not good journalism. In Southeast Asia, for example, photographing the deceased is a normal practice. I recently lost my sister and I went home to Asia for her funeral. I was surprised to see people wanting to be photographed with her in the coffin. I was still dealing with the grief and loss so bad that I didn't even have enough courage to stare at her though she looked beautiful and very peaceful. Throughout the process, family and friends who came to pay tribute seemed to be very comfortable with photographing and filming it all. They wanted to be photographed with the deceased and our family including myself. I had no comment, just concluded that it's the norm there and I respect it. Looking back, I was grateful that people were taking pictures because I didn't have the chance to do it myself. I do have objections about the funeral pictures circulating on social media. I would want to treasure it for myself and my family.
22
Don't you think there is something wrong with posting the deaths of family members online to get clicks?
Film it for yourself.
By posting to it cheapens it.
35
A year ago, I de-friended a Facebook acquaintance whose latest photo was of her mother in her coffin, followed by a shot of her tombstone. This woman was a needy drama queen who always broke and looking for ways to guilt trip people into giving her money. Those funeral photos were the last straw and I'm relieved that no one else I know has the same exhibitionistic and sensationalistic tendencies to exploit the deaths of friends or relatives for cheap sympathy. This utter shamelessness and lack of respect for the dead is another reason I avoid social media in general. Is nothing sacred anymore?
16
Look up the book "Wisconsin Death Trip" — it was 40 years ahead of its time.
10
@Dave Harmon Thanks, you beat me to it. A truly strange book by Michael Lesy.
3
It's interesting that this is happening at a time when people feel violated when photographed incidentally when they're in a public space. Many believe that it's illegal to do so—it's not, unless a reasonable expectation of privacy has been violated, as when, for example, creepy types have hidden cameras in bags.
This article doesn't go into the ethical distinction of when a subject has given informed consent prior to being the subject of a post mortem and when one hasn't. That should be a major factor.
29
I don’t really want to see dead people unless it is necessary to convey an important message.
14
@Alex Mozell Alex, it does it shows they were loved and cared for.
7
I will never forget the horror of my grandmother wailing and sobbing when her nephew and his family gathered around the open coffin of her brother for a Kodak moment. They had not seen the man in years. It was ghoulish to say the least, especially with Wayne standing on a chair at the foot of the coffin waving and maneuvering his wife and the four kids around the head of the coffin so they'd all fit in the frame. All this while every everyone else in the service stood, gasped and gaped.
13
My grandmother was born and raised in Iowa and then came to live in NJ. Anytime a family member or friend died back in Iowa during the 40s, 50s, 60s, it was very common to receive a letter with a photograph of the deceased lying in a coffin . . . . I always thought it wasn't very much different seeing the photo as compared to seeing the actual body at a funeral home . . . .
22
Death is certain for everyone.
The fear is manufactured and artificial in American culture.
53
@baba Sorry, but the fear of death is not an American invention or "artificial", as you point out.
Rather, all you need to do is examine, even superficially, the whole arc of history and see how much we have done to do "away" with death. The pyramids? Terror of death. Religion and God? Terror of death and the unknown, the thereafter.
Indeed, many great thinkers have pointed out that our entire life revolves around death.
We live for postponing it as long as we can.
Rare is the person who has no fear of death and accepts their "destiny" in complete comfort---and for that, we need no polls to be taken since most people will still lie...
It is, seemingly, ingrained in us genetically as a survival mechanism, or else we would not hold on to life as ferociously as we do...
27
@Raymond Louis Llompart The fear of death is not an American invention but we in this country have some very strange ways of dealing with it. Bodies are whisked away within moments of death and we don't see them again until they've been mangled and shellacked into a mannequin-like mockery of life. People who cry too much at funerals are quietly ushered out lest they "upset" other mourners. Social pressure is heavy to "move on" and "get back into your life" because public grief is depressing to others. I would say that American culture is heavily in denial of death—which is actually not inconsistent with our celebration of violence, horror, and true crime, since these help us cherish the illusion that death can somehow be postponed if you play by the rules.
Other cultures deal with death in ways we find disturbing, but that's often because we prefer not to deal with it at all.
10
@baba Fear of death is not an American invention.
3
If you would like to see more post-mortem photos, check out The Thanatos Archive and his book Beyond the Dark Veil. Taking care of one’s dead at home is a long tradition.
14
Whatever works for the folks grieving. i thought I would want to touch my dad's hand when he died unexpectedly at the age of 86 but my overwhelming feeling when entering the room was the awful sense of lifelessness. i broke down and left the room without approaching any closer.
40
My brother passed away at his home in Oregon in November. His roommate called me (before he even called the authorities or an ambulance), and asked if I would like some pictures he took. Absolutely, after all, they were the last pictures of my brother. I'll keep them forever. I feel a little twinge inside of me when Iook at them, but heck, it's my only brother.
49
We have one in our family that was taken circa the mid-1890s. The deceased, my great-great-grandfather, is seated, eyes closed, surrounded by his immediate and extended family. My grandfather, a toddler, and his brothers are in the photo. It’s one of the few photos we have of my grandfather as a child. We treasure it.
64
I think there’s no right or wrong here. Just think of the deceased, if they would’ve thought a picture with them would be appropriate or not. It’s an individual choice and I can’t judge any family for doing it.
83
About twenty years ago, I saw a documentary on pictures of the new deceased. I think it was made by an Icelandic filmmaker. As the article points out, this is not something new. The Victorians were very big on the practice.
15
The funeral industry unfortunately pushes a whole lot of guilt onto vulnerable relatives, subtly suggesting that the best way to honor mom or dad is to spend a fortune preserving their bodies and sealing them in a pricey casket that spends an eternity sitting in the ground. My own mom, besieged with guilt after the loss of her mother did just that, despite having drained a huge portion of her own savings on her mother's dementia care. It's is so unethical and predatory. I hope that honoring the life of those we've lost moves in the direction of this article and far from the bizarre preservation practices and exorbitant costs that are common today.
126
@M
from a European point of view I find this super creepy. Not that we do not spend a fortune on funerals, but the thought of preserving and putting make up on and all that.
I always think of the really undignifying appearance of pharao Ramesses II- who lived in a culture that chose preservation as well. I admit that the thought of decay is not a pretty one but although otherwise I am very rational etc, I do not like the thought of being preserved so whoever can possibly look at me centuries down the road.
3
My wife of 33 years died some two plus years ago of lung cancer. Throughout her last two years of life we documented various points of her declining life on a blog (since removed) with photos. Never was there a doubt about having her spend her last days at home. The thought of handing her over to 'funeral parlor' was unthinkable. In her last days, I took and posted photos of the vigil and finally the wake. I included photos of her in her final repose. I drove her body in the cardbox in the back of our station wagon to the crematorium. I included photos of locations where her ashes were scattered. She was beloved in her group and that we were able to share the process and intimacy with others gave the experience a profound meaning to all of us. The entire process gave me a way to move forward in my grief, which began on the day of her diagnosis. It was, and still is, one of the richest periods of my life.
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@Craig thank you for sharing.
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@Craig
Thank you Craig! I think some people miss the point. When you love someone you need to document it or validate this loss in some way. There is nothing strange or creepy about this. It's as natural as all the photos you take at a birth. It doesn't matter if it's recorded by an iphone or a Pentax camera. Most of us just want to record an incredibly important life altering, fact that deeply affected us! Whether those photos are in an album or on a media page, isn't important. We all greave differently, no one way is correct for everyone. God bless!
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Alaska — Years ago I attended a Native Athabascan family funeral in a village on the Yukon River. Extended family arrived by boat from up and down river. The funeral was a rare opportunity to take large group photos. Open casket. Group photos. Both solemn and joyful.
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Everybody who ever lived as either died or will die. We need to accept this and embrace the truth. Birth and death are equal in this sense. Why not feel comfortable with the memory of people when they die, including the dead body, made as beautiful as possible.
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There was an excellent exhibition of death portraits at the Musée d’Orsay about five years ago. It included paintings , drawings, photographs and even sculptures, from the Renaissance to the early 20th century. It was a strangely beautiful show that was very well attended. This kind of post Morten portraiture should be far more common today...it certainly has been in the past.
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It's about time! This is not such a new movement. In the 1990's I taught a course called "Death and Dying" to undergrads at Florida State University. It was always full, and students seemed to be grateful for a chance to learn about death and dying, as many of them had never experienced a death and were terrified that they would not be able to cope when it happened. Of course there were others who'd already had a lot of death happen and were still trying to deal in a culture that told them to just move on. I also learned a lot teaching that course, and use that learning all the time in my present work as a hospital chaplain. I hope that my former students have been able to use what they learned as well when death arrived at their doorsteps.
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I took a “Death & Dying” class at Eckerd College in 2007, 4 months after a heartbreaking loss. The class was full and taught by the most incredible professor, who was also a chaplain. The class was cathartic and I think that all of us felt comfortable enough to share our stories of grief. Many tears were shed and many things learned. That class was life-changing for me, and I am still so grateful for it all these years later.
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