My favorite was when I was telling my girlfriend to stop interrupting me when she interrupted me. Classic.
Actions speak louder than words.
This insight, actually a fact, isn't part of the author's analysis. When a family member (or friend/coworker) acts one way and talks another, no amount of listening will fix that problem. Actually listening and remembering makes the communication problem worse.
As for a spouse that finds it easier to confide deep thoughts to acquaintances, (while leaving the spouse in the dark) well then get another spouse. That marriage cannot be saved.
Everyt one of the insights Dr Epley offers is confirmed by my own experience. This is one of those truths that's been hiding in plain sight.
Thanks.
"But what is love if not a willingness to listen to and be a part of another person’s evolving story?" One of the most simple, beautiful, and true quotes about love I've ever read.
2
Learn and evolve. People will want to listen, and be glad they did.
I've recently cancelled a couple of friendships because I am so tired of always being the one who listens (and asks questions). I appreciate being there for people and being interested in their lives but it has to be a two way street. Two people I know don't just not listen but if I do get a chance to talk about something that's bothering me or that was challenging, they say "at least...", minimizing my perspective, further cementing their inability to be empathetic in the least, and redirecting the discussion the themselves. I used to blame myself or try to be accepting of them but I'm getting older and just don't need it.
12
Closeness-communication bias? It's called, "taking someone/something for granted." Look it up.
7
Once I learned to shut up and listen I discovered I was not nearly as interesting as I thought I was.
19
I could not make it through this article because I already knew what it was going to say . ;-)
16
@Francis Marion Good one.
Excellent article.
4
Sidewalk Talk listeners around the world set up chairs in public places. We invite strangers to tell us their stories. A close friend came by our group, sat down and told me her secret. She was able to talk to me as a stranger, not a friend. Listening to strangers without judgement, without giving advice or telling my own like-stories is challenging. And it’s life-changing.
9
@Britta Tigan - so this friend was able to talk to you as a stranger? How was that made possible just by the fact that you were set up in a chair in a public place?
Also, how does a stranger telling a stranger secrets about his/her life change either of them's life? What is the mechanism?
"Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity."
-- Simone Weil
24
"Sometimes people keep conversation light with friends and family because they assume they already know what’s going on, but also, they may be afraid of what they might learn."
Oh so true. And we are less, and lonelier, for this.
17
What I've found useful is to reflect what the speaker said, when they reach a stopping point, maybe in their last phrases or, better yet, in your own words. They may affirm that you heard them: "Yeah!" Or, they may correct you, and you can reflect the new version. Or, they may say, "I did say that, but actually…" and you both may benefit from something new coming. This way, you can become a better listener - and your speaker can feel heard!
But, your reaction - what comes within you - to what you hear may get in the way of listening and reflecting. Can you just set your own reaction aside, assuring that place within you that you'll get back to it? This bit can be tricky, but do take it up when it comes to you again later, when you have the chance. That part - maybe Freud's "subconscious," or something else - will feel heard, too. And something new may come there!
13
As someone who has taught listening skills to professionals in graduate education for many years, it always amazes me that people often think having working ears is all there is to listening. Just as a musician or a football quarterback doesn't know what s/he doesn't know until she actually has someone teach it to them, the same is even MORE true of listening.
https://floweringbrain.wordpress.com/2012/11/18/how-right-listening-speaking-can-radically-expand-strength-of-heart/
4
Tuning out to another's speech may also be a report talk vs rapport talk issue, where the rapporter talks to bond while the reporter talks to get to the point. It's hard for a "to the point" person to listen to what they perceive as long meanderings by the rapport person, while the rapport person can be turned off by the "businesslike" approach of the "to the point" person, each tuning out to the other. Best to be aware of the speaking style of the person you are listening to and adjust your reactions and expectations accordingly.
18
It’s weird, but I rarely get to finish a sentence when talking to my spouse, or to their friends. Or to most of my friends, for that matter. So listening is not a problem with them; they usually have the floor.
It makes for a lonely life, though.
36
@ Passion for Peaches
Confucius seems to agree with you on this, as he said, " Man who fight with wife by day, get no piece at night". while simultaneously cautioning that "wives who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse".
9
@KB
Abit sexist. Why wouldn't the wife find a doghouse and the man refuse sex?
You don't know my wife to whom I often say, "Yes, you've told that to me three times already."
5
The best advice I ever got was; “Listen, don’t just wait to talk”.
34
@Paul Ashton That's good advice to me b/c I dread any silence in a convo. So I'm already preparing a response before the other has finished.
6
@Paul Ashton Great advice. It hits home to me b/c I have so much anxiety that I cannot cope with even a moment of silence in a convo. Ergo I usually just blurt out what I planned to say after the first few words that the other has said. It's really a burden to put up with me. I feel sorry for the others.
11
My sister had a habit of doing all kinds of busywork while on the phone with me.
Emptying the dishwasher was the most egregious.
She would stop every so often to say “What? What did you say?”
Apparently no one has done this to her, so she had no idea of the magnifying tone of a fork or a pot being thrown in its place sounds.
I finally told her how loud and irritating it was.
That got her to LISTEN.
Now she calls me when she walks her dog.
I’d like to think she’s listening, just until she can’t help but chat with another dog walker .
13
@Susan Anderson
Same deal, I am absolutely a 'sandwich' call on a cell phone -- hands-free of course -- while driving with one dear, dear relative, and predictably, many a conversation ends abruptly simply on a safety basis.
They are never 'clear' conversations, either in the audio sense or having a good give and take in a relaxed manner.
However, over time, I've learned to be grateful for any call for any amount of time. The multi-tasking within every type of 'personal' encounter just seems to be the new normal.
7
Really interesting article. I just can’t help but think “How many times will this be passively-aggressively shared between loved ones?” Makes me chuckle.
17
Twenty years of being on the receiving end of this behavior has convinced me that grey divorce is a good thing.
13
When he missed something (deliberately or otherwise) my mother had said, my father would gesture toward his ear and reply, “Sorry, I had the volume turned down.” Of course, he never wore a hearing aid.
6
Several years ago I had the good fortune to take part in a work seminar on being a good listener (I’m a nurse) and was totally shocked to find that I was not at all as good a listener as I has presumed. In one of the first exercises, we had to listen without interruption, for a full minute, while the other person spoke about something controversial. I found that instead of listening to what the person was saying, I was actively compiling a rebuttal in my head as they spoke. It certainly woke me up to my biased habits. This entire session was one of the best I have ever had and I’ve used the lessons learned almost everyday of my life since then.
34
@S. This is so me. Do you mind sharing some of the lessons or how you overcomed such? It would really help me because most times I just feel I have to say something, just respond and in the end, I haven't listened at all
14
My wonderful employer told me long ago that the best thing to do when dealing with people (we are in Optical and make glasses) is to just be quiet and let them speak and you listen. They tell you everything consciously and unconsciously. It has been the best advice of my life.
24
This is so helpful!!! I have gotten so irritated by family members who think they know what I am going to say. Similarly, my husband was very aggravated by my not listening and assuming what he was going to say. I like the comparison with our not noticing the physical features of our customary paths. We are making habits and shortcuts, but in this case it is a very bad practise. Thank you for pointing this out in a way that I think I will actually remember.
12
No one has mentioned voice pitch. I'm now retired, but from long experience I'm convinced a high pitched voice just doesn't get attention. At work, at home, in a restaurant.
18
And those higher range sounds and voices are the first to go when hearing loss begins. And note that most women’s voices are in that range.
3
This is such a beautiful article, love the reminder that we're all so naive and human, just doing our best to connect while preserving ourselves
22
This is a lot like that amazing NYT headline from long ago "Latest Research in Education Shows That Studying Helps". Mindfulness is a wonderful thing.
21
There are some people who do just jabber on and on and on. About mostly nothing. What used to be called "washerwoman" talk in earlier generations. After about three minutes of this it takes great effort to actually listen to this droning on. I do it at times out of charity, when realizing it fulfills some need versus just being an ugly habit. Similar to having discussions or arguments with stupid people. Trying to use logic and reason will always leave you cold.
Stupid people are very good at what they do and are proud of it (Dunning-Kruger). I was taught to just ignore them, smile and nod, and pretend like you just figured out they have Down syndrome.
8
@Bob Milnover---mindlessness, and more particularly, self- centeredness, are always hard to work with, in terms of connecting. Each of us has a challenge in getting out of our own heads and relating to the world around us as it is, as opposed to how we think it is.
Can I ask you not to use Down syndrome as a negative example of someone who is mindless? There's a great difference between people with disabilities and people who are self centered. My daughter, who has Down syndrome, works very hard to connect, as do others of her friends. She is in fact more relational than many neurotypical people.
33
@Catherine Young
Catherine:
Thank you so much for your reply. The comment jumped out at me, but your words were much more tactful than mine would have been. I hope it was an eye-opener for Bob.
4
@Bob Milnover :
snarky unnecessary comment about Down Syndrome people.
3
There are other reasons we don’t listen well to people we care about. Impatience, repetition, disinterest about a particular topic fear about the topic, feeling helpless about the topic, etc. I’ve become an expert about something I have no interest in (auto racing) because I love my spouse, but it takes real concentration and effort to be patient and engaged. So I hope he feels I’m listening.
26
There’s another dimension: I tend to remember what I thought my partner would say, rather than what he actually said. Especially when I really didn’t listen and hear what he said. That sure can cause trouble!
16
If awareness is the first step in solving a problem, I think you may have saved a lot of marriages with this article. Thank you for the great research and for writing with such clarity. Now I’m going to put down my phone and go actually listen to my husband.
23
You have two ears and one mouth. Use them proportionally.
36
@Kevin Geery, The wisest comment I've read so far. :) Very zen.
1
Twice or three times in my life, I have had a relationship with someone where we “speak the same language.” I still clearly remember details of what a girlfriend and I discussed back in 1961. Today, I have another relationship similar to that one, it even started similarly. Our patience and attention to each other is exciting. We each enjoy listening to each other, and are fascinated by the details and the twists and turns as the stories develop. Is this just Love? I’ll have to ask her this Friday, February 14th.
15
@MCBZB Maybe? But remember there are many different forms of love and we as a society place far too much emphasis on the romantic partnerships as the only meaningful relationship. Even if it's not love love it sounds as if there is still love there. Cherish that too.
Good luck tomorrow.
10
@Passion for Peaches
Note to wives:
Ditto
3
Just FYI, this is not limited to husbands. I am frequently asking my wife to let me finish what I am saying as she believes incorrectly she knows what is going to follow in my sentence.
12
@MD - very common, erroneous belief - that since you think you know what the person is going to say, that now it's OK for you to interrupt them.
People think that this goes a long way to justifying interrupting another, for some reason.
Hard truth for these folks - you may be absolutely correct in predicting what that person is going to say. Extent to which this justifies you interrupting them - zero.
1
Thank you, this is a great article. I know my wife and I are guilty of closeness-communication bias. In addition, I’ve experienced something more.
At a party a few years ago, my wife was sitting on the floor about 3 feet away fro me. I was sitting on the coach talking to a friends. I can’t remember why, but I wanted to ask her a question. I waited until it seemed like a break in the conversation she was engaged in and then called her name... eventually 3 or 4 times with no response (as if she were deaf to my voice). I then asked my friend to call her name. He did and she immediately turned and responded.
Is there a name for this phenomenon?
15
@Paul ;
she had completely tuned out YOUR voice; that is another issue!
Well, my late wife frequently accused me of this. She insisted I get my hearing checked, so since I’m a disabled vet, I made an appointment at the hearing clinic at the VA. The technician told me yes, I have some hearing loss but no, I don’t need a hearing aid. I told him my wife didn’t agree with him. He laughed and gave me one anyway, which greatly pleased my wife, who was even more delighted with the mobile app that allowed her to tinker with the hearing aid settings via her I-phone (actually useful in crowded restaurants, especially with a drunken bachelorette party in progress - braying at each other and laughing uproariously at anything - directly behind you).
I’d give anything to have her back and if that happened I would listen to her every word as if it were the pronouncement of the Second Coming. I guess you don’t notice it until it isn’t there anymore. Life Lesson.
79
@Lightning14 Sorry about your loss, but I love your story. So much more is reflected in your anecdote than simply listening. Caring, loving and humoring our spouse's quirks. Most communication is non-verbal and I would bet that you always heard your wife loud and clear, regardless of the words spoken and your hearing ability.
My husband grew up in a loud and boisterous family, and within our family I've always felt that I'm getting cut off, dismissed, or talked over. My family of origin wasn't like that, and interrupting other people doesn't come naturally to me. As a result, I've been allowed significantly less air time within the family, and often get interrupted or talked over.
I've noticed an interesting twist on this: when we are around other people, and those people are actually listening to me, both my husband and daughter appear to be actively paying attention. At times, it's as if they're hearing me for the very first time.
52
Nicholas Epley DID give his wife the perfect gift. He knew what she would love because he knows her and loves her. Had she thought about it longer maybe she would have realized this. Rather than pointing out the aquarium's inappropriateness, she could have explained fish, morning sickness, pickles etc. The poor man clearly didn't know, bless his heart.
Lists of what she wants? Good Lord. Didn't somebody say it's the thought that counts?
10
It sounds to me that you treat men like children.
5
Shannon
Was that comment the result of good listening on your part? I acknowledge it's a brief email, but staking out 'positions' and defending them...who learns.
2
Hi Greg- Reading (eye listening?) the initial comment several times more, I stand by my statement. The wife “once” mentioned wanting to swim with dolphins and the husband latched onto this in spite of her pregnancy and ongoing nausea. Was a blockheaded thing to do. Not a huge deal, but blockheaded. The commenter insisting that the clueless husband’s intentions trump the wife’s hurt feelings seems to rob him of accountability. I prefer to hold men to a higher standard. Thank you for allowing me to better articulate why that comment irked me so much. I did, indeed, learn a little :)
4
"You're not listening!"
I always thought that was code for "You're not obeying me!"
12
I’m listening.....and learning. Truly insightful.
6
When I first read the headline I thought it said,”You’re not listening and I know why.” Which, given the topic of the article seems sort of ironic, or something.
5
Always remember the words of the burnt-out, crooked attorney played by Gene Hackman in the movie 'The Firm' shortly before taking his own life in The Bahamas prior to the arrival of two hitmen: "My wife's bored with me, I know I am."
Listening is a reciprocal business and the creative approach is to deliver less predictable content so they start listening better and then they too naturally become more interesting to listen to.
Not much to be done with consistent delivery other than to remember the energetic appeal of spontaneity and be responsive to signals. But reflection and diverse daily reading will contribute more interesting, unpredictable content. Nobody's as uninteresting as somebody who finds themself uninteresting so we may well have the power to change our partner's expectation of us by investing time in ourselves if they haven't already given up.
8
Such a great article! One thing that it overlooks: effective communication requires dedicated effort from everyone involved, not just the person who is listening.
Listening attentively requires a lot of mental energy on the part of the listener, that is being gifted to the person who is speaking. And it really is a gift - of time, and care, and dedicated attention. If you are the person speaking, never take that gift for granted.
Put effort into communicating what you mean accurately, and to the best of your ability - especially for conversations that are important. If you’re not sure what you mean, or think, or feel, take some time to reflect first. Expecting anyone to understand what you mean - when you don’t know yourself - sets the bar unreasonably high.
Effective communication requires that everyone take ownership of their own contribution to it, rather than offloading that responsibility onto other people.
44
When my wife says to me "don't go on because already know what you're going to say" I simply retort "that's interesting because I'm not sure I even knew what I was going to tell you!". This is a game we play because it satisfies our need to move along and become less involved with each other. Sad! And I know other couples that do similar dances. We even went to couples therapy to help us to listen to each other - communicate better. One important part of couples therapy is called "Reflection". This is when you repeat or paraphrase what your partner has just said. It shows that you are both hearing each other and understanding. If you can't paraphrase at least one part of what your partner just said, then you're not in the moment. Try it next time if you haven't because it's a really good indicator. We use it almost daily but unfortunately, the game is still on, but we keep trying and don't give up, and I hope the same for all you because life isn't worth throwing towel in.
22
I read this on my phone while my spouse was yammering on about something. Fascinating article. I learned a lot.
131
@FF - Look out behind ya!
Kate Murphy,
Sorry, you and others are behind the times.
Freud identified this pattern well over 100 years ago. it is called transference, projection, projective identification, and is a defensive pattern well understood by psychoanalysts since from the beginning of the 20 th century.
But who listens to Freud anyway?
And who bothers today with Psychoanalytic theory?
Hmm, too bad that you and others want to jump on the bandwagons of behavioral health to reinvent their wheels.
Your missing out on great stuff.
4
STTP
Might there have been another way to make your point?
20
I don’t know if partners are actually listen worse or if our expectations are just higher.
3
@Student I suspect our expectations of being listened to and heard these days are if anything lower, given how likely it is for people to be looking at their devices and not paying ANY attention.
5
I am guilty of interrupting when I think I know what my husband is about to say. It is not my most attractive quality by far. It pairs nicely, however, when mansplaining creeps in to our conversations or he repeats information I have heard several times before. I notice that his listening also stops when I am repeating myself or simply talking too much.
Kate Murphy's point about how we listen more attentively to strangers compared to those we know well is a good one. For me, it is an invitation to listen to my husband and family with the same curiosity that I employ with starngers.
36
As a general matter, people involved in conversation are focused more on getting their turn to speak rather than actively listening to what others have to say. It you're really listening, you should be able to ask questions relevant to their message, and not be constantly steering the conversation in different directions.
Another issue with spouses, I think, is their constant presence. We assume that whatever information we miss can be picked up later--indeed, we are quite often reminded whether we need to be or not.
We need some time to concentrate and we need time for solitude. When we can't find it, we manufacture it by ignoring distractions.
Maybe what we should do is to set aside time to communicate and time not to communicate. Single tasking always works better than multitasking.
24
To the contrary I’ve always felt a reassuring closeness when my mate talks to me from another room. I can’t make out what she says and point it out. There’s something about her feeling close and open to me.
2
This is very good to keep in mind to understand and maintain your relationships. But I want to point out that there are some exceptions. There was an article here on the NYT, about a study on spouses and listening. It talked about engaging with somebody who needs to talk, even when you find the subject boring or otherwise don't want to engage. In that case, if you really can't find genuine interest (and hey, that's normal!) it's a lot better to pretend to be listening, to indulge them and sit there nodding politely, and then maybe insert a comment here or there, to let them know you're paying (enough) attention. The alternative being, not to listen at all, to interrupt or brush them away or go do something else. It's better to give the impression of listening, out of politeness, than to be sincere and turn them away.
This has been very helpful in my marriage. My husband loves talking at length about politics, especially world politics or political history. Subjects I absolutely do not care about. He also has a much higher need to talk than I do. I've been making an effort to sit through his monologues, zoning out but still nodding my head, then saying something sufficiently relevant at the end to signal my engagement. We do also have a lot of overlapping interests and plenty of two-sided conversations, but this compromise of pseudo-listening has helped a lot where we are mismatched. It's like a white lie. Sometimes it's better than the truth, for the sake of social cohesion.
51
@Nefertiti Sounds excruciating to me. You must love him very much. He is fortunate.
14
@Marina It can certainly get annoying, but I’m sure I annoy him with things too. Gotta compromise. He’s the absolute best and a perfect match for me, and yes I love him a lot, so it’s worth it. And he does the same for me.
15
My Dad was a great talker over coffee with my Mom every morning. My Mom created some beautiful needlepoint.
21
I often try to listen, focus, and ask questions -- to explore that person's topic with them, find out something interesting, and get a two-way conversation going. I'd estimate that less than 10% of the time do others turn it around and ask about my thoughts in return.
23
Curiosity is a great gift, but few people know it.
9
Great article! Each of us could become better listeners. With so many distractions and intrusions, it has to be a conscious and ongoing effort when giving a human (or another animal or insect), full undivided attention. Treat people with respect, look them in the eye, and let everything else evaporate around you. Take time to pause and think before finishing someone else’s sentence. Practicing mindfulness and just being with what is right in front of us will help us become better listeners and communicators.
6
I am a divorce mediator. I make my living on spouses not listening to each other. It is a tragedy that so many couples and parents can't keep their minds open to each other's important thoughts, views, and hopes like they did when they were dating. We all need to try harder.
53
Even when we listen we don't always "hear" what others say. If you have a good listener in your life, you are really fortunate. You might consider returning the favor!
25
@Nancy D Beautifully written.
6
My world includes a few people - very few - who are active listeners and many other friends (mostly women) who are extremely self absorbed and want to talk only about themselves and their own problems. With the former, I am able to have real intimacy where both sides listen and ask questions to understand. With the latter, I am drained after each interaction and walk away vowing to not speak to them for at least another month or two.
26
“There’s an unconscious tendency to tune out people you feel close to because you think you already know what they are going to say.”
And a lot of times you’d be right . . .
18
If my spouse had written this article, I would have absorbed little of it.
9
I didn't read it because I already know what you're going to say.
24
People that talk too much are terrible listeners. They just want to hear their voice.
31
"If you don't have anything nice to say...come sit by me." - Dorothy Parker
I'll listen raptly! Color me sick of all the 'positive people', IMO just another form of denial we can't afford anymore
3
@Southvalley Fox
I think the credit for that great quote should go to Alice Roosevelt Longworthy. But I could be mistaken. Should have Googled before replying. D'oh...
I am a terrible interrupter. I try to work on it, but it's such a compulsion. Very rude and embarrassing.
“I didn’t stop to think, ’Is this the right gift given where my wife is now in her life?’ I hadn’t really been listening well enough to know where she was,” Dr. Epley said.
Wait, he hadn't been listening well enough to know she was pregnant or he hadn't been listening well enough to understand that looking at a dead fish while pregnant would make her puke? The gift idea sounded great and there was no "listening" that failed to be done. He just didn't guess right because it's impossible to always guess right, so now he asks what she wants. Hey -- why not just exchange envelopes with checks inside and be done with it?
11
@JerseyGirl I'll give you the story of the long married couple and the gift of an ornate Mr T necklace given to the wife by her husband when all she ever wore was pearls or something modestly tasteful. She gulped when opening the box in front of a table full of family and friends to reveal such a tasteless gift. For her. Some might want #1Wife spelled out in diamonds. Others cringe. She said thank you in her polite way and never wore the necklace. Ever. He wondered why. She said "did you think I would ever wear such a necklace? Do you not know me?"
So, often we don't know what to gift the other because we aren't paying attention. If she doesn't dive, don't go buy her a scuba outfit. Buy yourself one if you want. Take the time to know your spouse or partner. And don't be angry when they are upset that you don't obviously know them at after all. Or you're too selfish to try. Imagine how they feel?
9
@JerseyGirl I get you--the article specifically mentioned listening, and you're thinking she never said anything. But observation and general attentiveness are forms of listening, and the article was implying that as important. He wasn't attentive enough to her to be aware that her needs and wants could have changed, given her physical state. I don't think its a question of guessing. Its a question of working to continually know the changing person who is your partner, friend, child, whatever. We all develop and change over time. Healthy two way communication should keep us in touch with that. So, asking questions is a good way to do that. That's what he concluded in the end. I say good for him!
1
So there's this thing called mindfulness, which if you practice, a version of it mean getting a handle on your money brain. I don't think it's just that you know what someone close to you may say (and you may) that keeps you from listening, I think the human mind wanders a LOT. Anyone who has meditated knows this especially if they've gotten really good at it and how bad they were when they started. It really is like a dancing monkey. And the fast changing world has made it worse IMO.
It doesn't directly address the relationship issue but what I've found is that doing more meditation has let me be more in present with the people I'm closest to. In other words, I got better at listening.
Also experiencing a few ego deaths and learning about humility has also helped.
24
When I mediate with families I encourage active listening. I had a session with a mother and daughter where their communication consisted of shouting at one another simultaneously. They couldn’t break this cycle. When I got them to quiet down, the daughter insisted that they ‘talk all the time’. When I asked them what each had actually said, they didn’t know. They didn’t even realize that they never listened to one another and they were so sure of what the other had to say that they didn’t think they needed to really listen. When each of them had the chance to speak they both found out that what they presumed the other was going to say was wrong. I find this often to be the case.
44
An elderly friend of mine is slowly going deaf but refuses to get a hearing aid. In her words: "As I age I find I really don't want to hear most of what people have to say anyway."
26
@John Jabo I'm not sure if she's married, but if she is that attitude might spell the end of it for her partner. There's a Modern Love piece about that exact issue! https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/06/style/modern-love-no-hearing-aids-then-no-marriage.html
5
@Lynn Thanks. I had not read that piece. Yea, might be the end -- or save the marriage.
1
Here is my tactic because I feel certain what I am in the throes of saying is not rightly anticipated and worthwhile to the ‘audience of one’ in front of me there to listen. As I listen to her too. I stop mid-sentence while their eyes are rolling with impatience and they interject. I then invite the person to finish my thought for me ALOUD. They often freeze or fail. Then I proceed to say what was novel and unexpected that I all along intended to say.
18
Just sent this story to my friends and family.
Very true.
Nice reminder to listen more and speak honestly.
Secrets , surprises and , lies never enhance relationships.
Trust is important.
We are all works in progress.
9
What'd you say Kate?
I just learned a lot about my relationship dynamics.
Best advice I'd ever gotten.
6
One of my all-time favorite drawings is a cartoon by Robert Mankoff published in the New Yorker --
It shows a pleasant middle-aged couple, stiing quitely in their living room - she on the sofa with a book - he on an easy chair nearby -
The woman is looking up from her book with a little smile - with the caption --
"I'm sorry dear. I wasn't listening. Could you repeat what you've said since we've been married?" --
I also saw a meme the other day which said --
"90% of marriage is just shouting 'WHAT' from different rooms" -
For myself - full disclosure - I get "Let me finish!" during about 50% of our "discussions" -
My solution for all of this is a simple two-word ideal towards which everyone should strive -
Pay Attention...
44
@Howard G, there's also that T-shirt that says, "My wife says I don't listen to a word she says. At least I think that's what she said."
12
Also, I will propose Romm’s Law:
The closer you are to someone, the less likely they are to follow your advice
27
@Dan Romm The corollary of "familiarity breeds contempt."
9
I’m totally struck by the Professor of Behavioral science being stumped about his own wife: “I didn’t stop to think, ’Is this the right gift given where my wife is now in her life?’ I hadn’t really been listening well enough to know where she was,” is his quote. And to solve this? He has her make a list now, because he still isn’t listening. Or apparently paying attention.
That is Hilarious.
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@Suzanne Exactly. He won't actually start listening and learning about his wife as she is right now. He wants her to do that work for him and lay it out in written form for him. How lazy and hypocritical.
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This is a great read. How do I tell my wife?
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I just sent this to my husband- it looks ( and sounds) very familiar.
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I am amazed that I’ve never read about this phenomenon before. It is so right on with my relationship with both my spouse and my children! I feel very close and loving with my wife and two sons, but when we do have disagreements it can probably be traced back to that.
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I've done and taught dramatic writing many times and I include a class called "listening". The device is simple: when another person is speaking forget what you were going to say and ask them a question about what they just said. Do this again with their answer to your question. And do it a third time with their next answer. Most of the time the students forgot what it was they were going to say initially. Dramatic writing is often effective but artificial because it depends on characters listening to one another. Real people don't do that very often. Maybe because what they say isn't as crucial as what the characters must say in a play or film to move the plot.
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That’s exactly how I used to pick up girls in my college days a long time ago… Keep asking questions, keep asking questions NEVER talk about yourself… Perhaps that’s why I became a journalist...
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I know a sad corollary to this. I have a friend who is a playwright. As a dramatist, he is a master at listening, and at this art of asking people about themselves.
He is lonely, because, alas, few return the favor and asks him about how things are going in his life. He just ends up listening to people drone on and on about themselves.
How do I know? He told me. I was “well brought up” by parents who believe that humans have an obligation to “hold up their end” of a conversation, to notice when I am talking endlessly about myself, and to shut up and say something like, “Oh gosh, enough about me. You must be so bored. What’s going on in your life?”
"there’s an unconscious tendency to tune them out because you think you already know what they are going to say"
Maybe that, but also to maintain independence. A stranger is not a risk of bossing you around. Someone close and familiar is not just advice, it is also control and future decision making.
There is more to it than listening to this one thing.
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Ah! Thanks for explaining that. My husband hasn't heard a word I've said for 40 years. He must feel very close to me.
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@DMS - True love.
A very well-written article and I'm ashamed to admit I'm guilty of this behavior. It's definitely something I need to work on.
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I began my training to become a life coach in the early 1990's with a professional coaching organization; the organization facilitated a powerful personal development course for professionals in major cities all across the country.
Doctors, teachers, sales people, homemakers, attorneys, business owners, CEO's, and CFO's paid a significant sum of money, plus travel expenses, to participate in these 3-day intensives...and no one left those weekends unchanged.
The focus of the course? Listening. Just listening.
Listening is one of the most powerful tools we possess. Listening is one of the most profound gifts we can provide one another...personally or professionally.
Listening - and being genuinely heard - is healing; it provides whole-hearted acceptance without judgement. Listening without agenda or intention or conditions...connects us to our shared humanity.
In a society too often focused on media, marketing, advertising, and technology...listening is disappearing when we need it most.
Want to change your life? Start really listening to everyone and everything around you. Listening can move men's* hearts.
*women's, too!
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@Kelly Grace Smith 'Listening can move ... hearts'
I just came from afterschool childcare (I've volunteered there for over 4 years)
where I saw a girl sitting alone at a table with some pickup cards, so I just sat down beside her and said nothing
within 30 seconds she turned to me and started talking - I gave her my full attention, nodding 'uh huh' and 'really?' even tho' I didn't catch everything as she swallowed some of her words
and very soon she was glowing with happiness
this is typical - I just sit and listen - give them my full attention - and then they glow with happiness
this might start with turning off your own busy mind - I did meditation to satori - so I have a mirror pond still clear empty no-mind.
another staff I notice typically is so busy thinking about herself that she ends up just doing everything herself and kids end up saying 'hey can I do something ?' in craft activities that are supposed to be for kids to do ...
so yeah - 2 ears and 1 mouth - listen twice as much as you speak - might be a good idea
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@Frank Beautiful story...thank you!
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Boy, did this article ever hit the nail on the head! We’ve been married 40 years and have a strong marriage. I admit however, that I often feel unheard, and the phrases “That’s not what I said” and “let me finish!” not uncommonly come out of my mouth. Thanks for this article that let’s me know that it’s not my imagination.....
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@Mary 'I often feel unheard'
similarly - this morning we had a shouting match where I started with a simple request - she took high dudgeon and then accused me with lots of 'YOU ...' sentences while shouting over the top of me, while saying I wasn't listening to her
and I've figured she's got some reactive trauma history where a request is associated with terror and trauma
so while she will ask me to do twenty things which I will do without quibble or complaint, if I ask her to do something it often ends up in a shouting match.
I haven't got to the bottom of it - but she told me her parents were Chinese zodiac dog and cat - and used to fight like ... so that's my starting theory ...
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The issues put forth here seem to be faulty examples of a “problem” not in existence. We have the ability to ask questions. I find that asking questions always resolves potential misunderstandings. Of course, listening helps at the front end. If you have the habit ignoring your loved ones, perhaps they are not your loved ones. You see, this can be a circular argument.
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For listening to improve we have to solicit feedback about our own behavior as well as offer it in helpful terms to others. I am regularly disappointed at how many people seem unwilling to have this conversation.
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Teachers are suppose to use "Wait Time" of a few seconds or more to allow students to gather and express their thoughts before calling on someone to answer. It takes time and effort to overcome our preconceived biases and actually sense what is being communicated to us by others. Discrimination is perhaps more difficult with that which is familiar~It is like an optical illusion in which we fill in the details (Gestalt) that are not there. Patience is more than a virtue.
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It is impossible to interpret what the average person is writing as their mood for the moment. Perhaps that is why there are wordsmiths and poets? Only because they are able to bring us, the populace, closer to realization of what they meant to convey. Most people lack the skill to convey much of what they are feeling except when it is frustration. Myself included.
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Wait a minute. Really?
We are about to celebrate our 41st anniversary in five days. The only way we pulled this off is a result of hard work and working very hard at listening to each other. We have the deepest conversations these days.
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@BSR good for you! But you're rare did you know that? The average couple very little time communicating. You should write a book!
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Listening is an art we seem woefully inept or distracted to take seriously, if not all the time then a good part of it. Even while listening to the News, we get easily swayed, as we become befuddled, or are multitasking, and conversing about other things that happen to be on our minds...and 'must' bring up before we forget about it. Really listening, once we get it's jest, is a wonderful experience for both, the one doing the listening...and the full appreciation of the one expressing her/his thoughts.
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Same concept as why we’re often the unkindest to the people we love the most. Humans are odd. I’d bet other animals do not behave in a similar manner. And of course they communicate with each other.
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@MaryToo Sometimes they eat each other.
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Reminds me of a tiny poem I saw years ago, author unknown: “That I treat you worst/ who loves me best/ turns all loving/ into jest.”
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I found this article very helpful
Some people in my family including myself are poor listeners. A friend turned to me one day a bit over 10 years ago and said Nick 'i just can't talk to you, you don't listen'. Part of it was a learnt behaviour and part was related to my experience living with Bipolar.
A week or 2 before i had started doing a 'listening for relating' course through an Anglican counselling service in Armidale, NSW, Australia.
It was a group course held over several weekends and it helped transform my social and familial relationships. I now have a girlfriend and those skills are helpful in our relationship.
It is ironic that until you hear how to be a good listener it can be hard to do so when you have grown up with family who don't do it well. So be mindful of that if you have a friend or acquaintance who is not the best at listening well. It may be all they have ever known.
It was interesting to see who actually came along to the group there was quite a mix of people. A bit like in the Simpsons were Homer and Marge go along to marriage counselling and Ned + Maude Flanders are there :-)
I think parts of my family have changed and some have become better listeners though often w much reluctance to admit so. I will always be thankful for that course all those years ago. I work in community services and occasionally you want to help people solve their problems when what they really need is to be able to talk about them and come up w their own solutions.
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Beautifully expressed
4
When we moved into this house I heard the furnace, hot water heater and sump when they started up, and every creak. I also heard the kids next door, the squeaky brakes on the mail truck, the trains that go by three blocks away, the constant air traffic overhead ……..
I'm not deaf, but I've gotten used to all those familiar sounds and my mind tunes them out. Unfortunately, the same process seems to have worked with my spouse.
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@KJ I wish I could tune out the furnace/AC. In my place it's so loud it sounds like a jet engine is spooling up. I have to turn up the volume on my TV when it goes on!
Aside from that, you're correct - we often do tune out things we hear often. We should be really listening to each other.
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In order to be worthy of being listened to, one must be able to hear oneself. I get tired of relatives who speak only about themselves, people I don't know, or money. Sure, I'm happy to hear you had a great trip to Guam. But I don't want to hear much more than that. You had the trip. Lucky you! That should be enough. Also, I don't care about your child's best friend's mother-in-law's uncle (etc...). Lost me in that line up before you even told me the story. And if you really want me to tune you out, just talk about your 401k or Wall Street. Snoring now!
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I appreciate that people can be boorish , but what do you want to hear about? I ask this because I was all aboard with your comment and then I thought, well, what else is there besides taking an interest in other people's lives and experiences? I questioned my own tendencies to not want to listen yet I crave to be social.
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@PK Americans are the only society so uncomfortable with silence. Most societies have a welcoming need for the quiet spaces even while being sociable. It isn't important to always have something to say when with someone. I like creating with people to be sociable. I like to see how creative a conversation can be and how flexible it can be. Sense of humor is everything.
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@PK 'I questioned my own tendencies to not want to listen yet I crave to be social'
I would suggest start with 'How are you?' - stop and look them in the eye then wait silently and listen carefully giving them your full attention
if they have the time, once they realise you are willing to listen, people will typically regale you with 45 minutes of their life stories which can be so involved and intriguing you could write a best-seller book about it.
Tip - ask a rich person for advice, then say nothing, just sit and nod and listen for 45 minutes - and they'll think you are a highly intelligent wonderful conversationalist who is their new best friend !
And you will have learned someone useful as well - just by listening.
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A a long married wife, I don’t know whether to take comfort in this, or to feel even more frustrated than I do.
Note to husbands: one of the sexiest things you can do is to truly listen to your partner, and fully engage in conversation that does not make everything about you and your experiences.
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@Passion for Peaches
same goes for wives!
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Also, this sounds a bit specific to your particular situation. Might want to see a counselor about that.
1
Note to wives: stop finishing my sentences. All that does is make me break off the conversation and walk away.
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I seem to have the opposite problem. I listen intently to whom I feel close. Apprehension or boredom makes me tend to tune out those whom I don't know well.
10
skimmed this after my wife sent it to me. i think i get it.
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@Jay , good one. And yeah, skimming emails and texts, rather than reading them attentively and fully, is another form of not listening. Glad you pointed that out for the benefit of other spouses.
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@Jay
skimmed?
as in not listening? :)
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Just sent it to my husband who will probably do the same. Except he won’t get it.
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It's as if the author was living in our house and seeing and hearing what was going on and what is being said. What a revelation!
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Here is a Valentine's Day thought. People who are close may also be less likely to say what they really mean because they expect their partner to Intuit the true meaning. "Don't get me a gift for Valentine's Day" doesn't REALLY mean, don't get me a gift. If you really love me, you will know what I want. If I have to tell you, the gift is spoiled.
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@JLBMD Unless, of course, you come from a background where folks "do" gifts. I haven't given or gotten gifts (Xmas, birthdays, etc.) since I turned 18. There are other ways to show love and affection than gift-buying.
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@JLBMD , some of us actually do mean what we say, including with respect to gifts!
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@JLBMD
Being expected to mind read is detrimental to a relationship......when I was younger I expected it but now when I don't want a gift I REALLY don't want a gift.
31
I have a friend who talks incessantly. I can't get a word in edgewise. Recently, she talked for an hour non-stop. I can't stand it.
Tuning her out is the only way I can survive in these situations. I care about her a great deal, but I can only be around her for very short periods of time.
I don't feel like a bad person for tuning her out. It's necessary and everyone who knows her does it. We all look at each other and smile knowingly. She's a treasure, a compulsive talker and a friend.
Thank God for introspection and escapism.
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@Pamela L. 'I can't get a word in edgewise'
know what you mean - as a good listener I get this often
body language can be useful - last night with such a type rabbiting on non-stop (it's usually cos they didn't get a chance to talk to someone for a while and they really NEED to get that word count out) - after a while (I was holding a ladder on my way to do some work which I had put down for a brief chat) I picked up the ladder and turned sideways with a foot forward to face my desired direction of travel
immediately she got the message - and also turned the other way as if to leave - and only spoke for another minute before she managed to turn off the waterfall of words she needed to get out ...
9
Actually you could learn and use boundaries so you have a real relationship with her. and she with you.
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Great insights. It all sounds way too familiar. I do think I'd add one more issue for the spouses/partners/lovers category: something in the relationship has broken down, and one or both parties simply wants to avoid the problem, fearing it will tear apart the relationship. But by avoiding deep communication, they are actually contributing to the very ending they fear.
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After a while all long term relationships are based on avoiding a certain number of deep problems which could end the relationship if talked about. Somewhere along the line people make a choice to either have a long term relationship or a short, stormy, but truthful one. To each their own.
I think that selective hearing is an excellent quality...I heartily recommend it
Especially when around people who like to talk about nothing other than themselves...
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@Paul I'm sorry, what were you saying?
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@Paul Your response brings to mind a conversation I recently had w/my shy 16-year-old son about how asking people about themselves and then truly listening is the best way to make a friend.
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