Ask your doctor about disulfiram. It’s an old drug that’s proven to be very safe and without side effects. When you’re taking it, a few sips of alcohol will make you sicker than the worst hangover you’ve ever had, by far. Take my word for it and don’t test it.
Knowing what would happen if you did take any alcohol is a sure way to abstain. It’s easy to take that pill in the morning when your resolve is strong. Once you’re on it you can’t drink or you’ll get horribly sick.
It takes a good month to purge it once you’re on it, so even if you don’t take it, even for a week, you still can’t drink. After a time, you’ll lose any craving to drink. Alcohol dependence alters you’re brain structure physically. After a while of abstinence, it does reset and you’ll be normal again.
9
I have tried things like a Whole 30 or "Sober January" -- a month of no alcohol -- and it's quite an illuminating little test for how one is truly relating to alcohol.
13
Thank you for sharing your story, Nancy. Undoubtedly, there are million of others whose drinking habits resemble yours prior to your going sober. Because alcohol is so deeply ingrained in the social fiber of our nation, it is easy to overlook its profoundly negative impact on one's physical and mental health. You are lucky that you did not develop any alcohol related physical illness.
Some people can drink socially without overdoing it, but many are unable to manage that feat because of their genetic endowment. For anyone who is unsure, the best policy is to completely abstain. Once you have gone too far, it's quite challenging to pull yourself back from the abyss.
No one needs alcohol. in fact, if alcohol were invented in 2020, the FDA would never approve it- it has a high potential for abuse & no accepted medical uses (well, IV alcohol can stop premature labor). But the alcohol lobby is powerful, so it's here to stay, like it or not.
If a person simply must have some recreational substance, marijuana is far safer. Alcohol causes fights, rapes, car crashes, & a host of social problems. Marijuana doesn't. Our brains are wired to receive cannabis- our brains have cannabinoid receptors whose only function is to mediate the effects of cannabinoids, some of which occur naturally in everyone's brain. But our brains don't have alcohol receptors, and our livers can't metabolize alcohol until we induce the necessary enzymes by drinking alcohol.
Cheers!
13
I really appreciate you sharing your journey. I too over the past year have overcome what I finally accepted was a dependency. Sure I was drinking “safe” amounts of alcohol, but for me at least, it had become too much. Unmanageable. Psychologically problematic. Not to mention it’s very easy to imagine a future when the “safe amounts” will sound like doctored proscribed cigarette usage sounds to us know.
Anyway, I think there a hell of a lot of folks in this country going through the same experience - sure it’s not destroying your life, but it’s certainly taking a toll. I got tired of paying that toll every morning. Also, for me it wasn’t a switch to total abstinence, but simply changing my relationship to it. Not in the house, not alone, not as a reality buffer. Now I wake up bright eyed and rested. I smile in the AM - I hadn’t done that for years. Like you, I feel proud and connected to my environment and neighbors. It’s such a lovely change.
Also kudos for not needing AA. I think it has its place, but for the silent majority of folks like us, examples of a proportionate response to the problem is heart warming to hear. I’m not spending the rest of my life self identifying as an alcoholic. I already left that behind.
16
This hits home as an internal struggle. I see my void as spaceless and without appearance, an emotional place somewhere in my cosmic self. It routinely asks to be filled, not with what it needs or deserves, but with anything. Because the void is an addictive place in of itself we fill it with money, alcohol, likes, selfies, anger, and or anything to keep it occupied. The void is a state of being we fear to leave empty. As long as it's being supplied, in some form, we can ‘get by’. Similarly, alcohol has given me a faux sense of human connection while weakening my resolve and growth. An excuse to avoid an unknown amount of pain through an unknown degree of uncertainty. Incidentally, Nancy's article is hopeful. The struggle is real and more common then we are willing to admit.
14
35 years sober in AA.
"Hey Joe " below said it well.I agree totally with his views. I cannot define her, only she can. It appears to me that she isn't quite "there." 2nd word of 2nd Step AA for me is "admitted." Unless and until you are ready to look at yourself openly and honestly I think the chance of long term sobriety is slim. I must say and agree that abstemious is essential, tippling along the way is dangerous. As with any addiction there is never enough.
1
Quitting alcohol was not difficult for me.
Understanding to my core that I NEEDED to quit - now that was a different story! "Getting there is half the fun" as they say.
But once it was clear that I could not be a casual drinker, once I realized that I indeed HAD TO QUIT - it was effortless.
AA was helpful, though I only attended a handful of times.
The book Rational Recovery was helpful. (My favorite line from Rational Recovery: "Once you make the decision to quit, never change your mind.")
My wife was helpful.
My friends were helpful.
But ultimately it was an easy transition - once I realized I had to quit, and once I made the decision to quit (which occurred simultaneously).
It's been 11 years, and it changed my life in so many positive ways - I hardly ever think about alcohol any more.
11
Recently, I spent some time in Jamaica vacationing. Having never been to an "all-inclusive" resort before, I didn't realize how many people drink to excess. People waited impatiently for the daily drink service on the beach to start, yet so many people had already gotten started before 10 am. Mini bars were well stocked with liquor bottles every day. Sitting on the airplane coming home, the man across the aisle had five mini bottles of rum. I hope he changes course now that he's home.
3
Why millennials prefer pot to booze. They are so much smarter than all those drunk boomers
https://www.marketwatch.com/story/millennials-appear-to-like-cannabis-more-than-booze-2018-09-26
2
Without alcohol the Darwin Awards website which documents in a tongue-in-cheek style those who have strengthened our gene pool by removing themselves from it. ( https://darwinawards.com/ ) would go out of business.
2
I always wonder why people who successfully deal with drug or alcohol problems on their own feel the need to let us know that they did not rely on AA for their recovery. I don't recall anyone asking either the author of this article or any of the commentators who claim recovery if they used AA to help recover. In the minds of the "no AA" people who recover, is there some stigma attached to Alcoholics Anonymous that they don't want to be associated with? I'm curious.
9
I stopped drinking on my 45th birthday 27 years ago. My coworkers warned me that the decision would wreck my career because of our company’s drinking culture. 5 years later I became president. I prayed earnestly that I would not have to go to AA with a bunch of drunks in order to stop. A friend convinced me to go anyway. It was the most spiritual experience of my life. I went for a year and stopped because I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would never drink again for all of the reasons that the author lists.
10
I mentioned that I did not join AA because I was struck by Nancy’s statement in her piece that she too had quit without AA. The AA question interests me because some friends who believe in AA told me they worried I would start drinking again without AA. But nothing about that approach appealed to me. Not the 12 steps, the admission of being powerless, the self-identification as an alcoholic, the listening to people talk about themselves. My parents were heavy drinkers who both quit at the same time when one of them developed pancreatitis. At one point when I’d quit for a while I talked to my father about it, and he said he couldn’t think of one good reason to drink. I have come to see that, after six years of abstention. I’ve got nothing against AA. It’s just not for everyone.
13
At our local health clinic, the dental unit is packed on Mondays dealing with 'emergencies' from the weekend. Teeth knocked out in a fight. Teeth broken from falling on your face or walking into a door. It's all about bring drunk.
Alaska is a very messed up place when it comes to alcohol. We have the highest rate of fetal alcohol spectrum in the nation. We also have the highest rate of sexual assault.
And, of course, other people are left to clean up the mess, whether it's fixing your broken teeth or taking custody of your FAS baby or performing your rape exam. It's revolting.
17
This reminds me of the Gogol Bordello song 'Alcohol':
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fmZCve025Q
Oh sheesh! One is too many,and a thousand isn't enough! It is really simple,stupid! It is understandable that we humans have preconceived notions about "things." That "those people" are...junkies,alcoholics, but NOT ME.I am too smart,educated,successfull,rich. But I am not one of "those people." News alert: it is not how much,how often,it is what happens when you do. It is how it affects your life. There are a lot worse afflictions than being an alcoholic, be grateful you can have some sway in it,unlike others. Surrender to win.
8
I have a colleague who I suspect is drinking way more than they should be. I used to smell alcohol from this person at work from (I'm assuming) the night before. I want to help but I feel like I would be intruding, and that our friendship would change - or maybe even end - if I said something. I know my colleague's parent has confronted them on this with no success - on the contrary, drawn ire from my friend. Your column didn't mention if any of your friends ever approached you regarding your drinking. Perhaps it has to be a lone decision to confront the problem and stop. Thank you for your openness and honesty.
2
Thank you for this piece. I will never forget a story I heard about a woman who went to rehab because she realized, with her kids grown, that she had raised them all while living as a functioning drunk. My mother didn't make it to rehab and died at 45. Everyone, everywhere, has a family member or a friend with a drinking problem. Or has lost a loved one to an alcohol related death. As you point out, doctors agree that alcohol causes several cancers. I believe it's just a matter a time before the social climate around alcohol shifts as it did around cigarettes.
7
Relax. You scored 8 out of 40. I scored 7 and it said I am a healthy drinker. Drink less if you want to, but don't beat yourself up.
2
@Allan
If someone's drinking is affecting their life and relationships the way the author describes, they have a drinking problem.
You may not understand this, but I do; an alcoholic who is still even remotely on the fence about their drinking will try to minimize their addiction. A score of 8 out of 40 probably only reflects the alcoholic's wishful thinking, not their real drinking patterns.
7
I am a recovering alcoholic. My last drink was July 19, 2012. After 30 days in a treatment facility, I spent another 4 years in AA, 3-4 meetings a week. Then began to realize AA was becoming an addiction as well so weaned myself away. I still believe there are those who need the support of an AA-type group, and that AA is a good starting point. I used to sit in meetings and hear the old timers talk about coming to meetings to find out what happens when you don’t go to meetings. (You fall off the wagon, get drunk, feel guilty, come back to AA for forgiveness and a fresh start.) in the three years since I quit going to meetings, I buried my husband, (an alcoholic who couldn’t stay sober with AA, six stints in treatment, and two DUIs), but have no urge to drink. Bottom line here - whatever works for the individual. I don’t judge, neither should anyone else.
17
Nancy,
Best wishes on your efforts not to drink. It's not easy but it sure is better than drinking and its consequences. Talking about it without shame is also healthy, in my opinion. Your article is an example of that discussion that might help someone else choose to quit drinking.
In those occasional conversations when drinking comes up I identify as "a non-practicing alcoholic" or someone who's "already consumed my lifetime allotment of alcohol." That has sometimes led to a broader discussion of alcoholism.
Again, best wishes,
Stan
7
Just wanted to say Thank you. This column got my head in the right place.
12
I'm surprised the quiz repeats what the WHO themselves have now debunked, namely that moderate drinking has health benefits. The WHO has since said that no level of drinking is safe, and the healthiest option is not drinking at all.
8
Addiction in general is an enormous problem in America - be it addiction to alcohol, drugs, donuts, anger, romance, or vacuuming.
There is a great deal of work to be done in this area.
The particular choice of addiction is only the surface.
Recovery takes much more than putting the cork in the bottle. Way more.
https://emcphd.wordpress.com
5
@Rev. E. M. Camarena, PhD
Actually,addiction is a problem in every corner of the Earth. It is a human problem. I've recently read articles about England,Russia,Afghanistan and Iran. No one country has a monopoly on it .
5
Is someone in the upper echelons at the NYT in recovery or something? Because there sure are a lot of these I quit drinking articles.
I’ve quit. I had a one glass of wine at lunch (as distant from bedtime as possible) lifestyle. I live in France. Wine consumption is like breathing here. But I decided to try life without it just to see. No problems either way, and I’ve lost some pounds.
But I do feel one glass of wine aids digestion, so I’ve substituted a half grapefruit.
When summer comes I’ll indulge once again. Life is too lovely and short to be too persnickety.
7
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQI_lI0vC6Y
I don't want another drink; I only want that last one again...James McMurtry. 36 years later, Nancy, Amen to all that!
2
After 47 years of daily cannabis use I recently quit and have experienced a stillness of mind that is both comforting and exciting. I suspect that cannabis cast a subtle veil over my emotions, a slight detachment that allowed me to successfully function in the world yet by some measure, not fully participate. Is it a more desirable form of self-medication? Definitely. But still, I wonder if my potential has remained intact. Have I been avoiding the growth with which we're all tasked by daily living?
12
If you are having difficulty quitting alcohol please look into NALTREXONE. Ask your doctor. It is a prescription drug that can and will help. Google it and ask your doctor. Alcoholism is a biological issue not a moral one.
5
At 72 I was having one glass of wine at night--after supper, thinking it could help me sleep and calm my anxiety--and besides, I liked the taste. However, I was finding myself unable to sleep--my brain wouldn't shut down--and once asleep, I would wake up within a few hours, toss and turn. So I stopped the nightly one (really only one) glass of wine for the last week. Results: No problems falling asleep and staying asleep, except for the old lady on diuretic pee breaks.
You've got to do what's best for you without beating yourself up and if it's a really big problem, seek help. Wine is now for "special."
4
I've really never understood how admitting you are powerless over something helped you overcome it or joining an organization that obsess over something would help you break your obsession with the same thing.
6
@Steve Bruns
you may consider yourself an outlier
or aloof and arrogant ?
2
Great article. Very courageous and a wonderful contribution to anyone who reads it and has some issue with alcohol use -- whether conscious or unconscious. What especially distinguishes Nancy's commentary is its unflinching honesty and authenticity. Thank you very much on behalf of every drinking soul who might have a better chance to conquer their own demons as a result of reading and empathizing with your story.
14
Thank you for your excellent article! Please re-consider AA. The counsel of our peers, above all, is the most effective.
3
Good for you.
Your honesty with yourself enabled you to see the problem, even though some friends likely saw it earlier. Every problem drinker has a different rock-bottom, and one doesn't have to lose everything precious in life before making a positive change. My life before quitting drinking was a one-way road to ruin, but I was lucky enough to find help from others with the same problem.
I think your writing could provide some of that kind of help to others.
2
I am an alcoholic. By that I mean that I drink to get drunk. When I drank, my body told me not to stop. But alcoholism is far more than that. It is the strange disease that tells you, first, that you are perfectly fine, and, second, that you have to get people to not interfere with your drinking. It is a disease that makes the whole world about you. Recovering from alcoholism means more than not drinking. It means recovering as a human as well. It is that second kind of recovery that AA provides. It is likely not the only way to do that second kind of recovery, but it sure is a good one.
18
It seems to me the crux of Ms. Wartik's experience is alluded to in this sentence: "I hadn’t grasped the degree to which a sense of shame had insidiously undergirded my life." but we hear nothing more about this insight, how shame had shaped her life, how she had attained this knowledge, or how this self-knowledge affected her choices, actions, and sense of self going forward. Perhaps that's something, Ms. Wartik, you can delve into further.
One small point. Being "lonesome" is not a condition requiring 'medication' and, I fear, the belief that it is leads to much pain. Being alone, and feeling lonesome are a part of the human condition. They may hurt, but they are also often the source of awareness, insight, empathy and, I might add, creativity.
8
Inspiring story. Thank you.
Full credit to you. May many more find your courage and insight and the will to act.
The part I find most fascinating is the sheer number of outside resources you consulted, many of which set the number of drinks for "normal" drinking alarmingly high. Aside from the alcohol issue, drinks are sugary, high caloric bombs. For a nation with a diabetes and weight problem the notion that hundreds (or thousands) of empty calories a day ( a single, average size margarita has 274 calories) is just fine is bad advice.
As you learned, listening to your gut can be a much better predictor of what is right and normal for you. I think many people have been lulled into a false sense of safety by looking at these charts. In a sad paradox, it encourages them to drink more, not drink less.
I think those who are consulting charts, working the numbers, and checking this out obsessively would probably do well to cut back before the condition worsens. It's an old axiom but so often they ring true. If *you* think you have a problem, more often than not you do.
5
In 1978 the doctors at Washington Hospital Center advised me that my sobriety was more important than my marriage and my career. They said that AA was the only chance I had.
I tried to stop drinking on my own and could not do it
In 1976. The damage I did to myself over the next two years was severe. I never knew that my drinking consumption would progress until I was very sick and suicidal.
I never wanted to go to AA; yet AA allowed me stop drinking and put my life back together. It has been a very positive experience.
AA has a set of principles - honesty, gratitude, painstakingly self assessment, humility, self acceptance, prayer and helping others which works for those who give an honest effort to stop drinking.
Alcohol consumption is tricky because people like the initial effect. But as time goes on and chronic high consumption continues- damage is done.
You do need a strong desire to change if you have the problem and will need help.
7
Thank you for this article. I just turned 59 and stopped drinking. I never considered myself to have a drinking problem but I have not awakened as clear headed as I have since stopping.
I know I will return but the return will be be much more tempered. Sobriety is a wonderful feeling.
3
Well done. Great piece. Congratulations, admire your courage in sharing your story.
1
Thanks you to Ms. Wartik for sharing her story and for getting others sharing.
Ms. Wartik's ongoing internal debate about whether or not she was actually an alcoholic is one that I had for many years. I ended my internal "alcoholic or just over-drinker" debate about 13 years ago by concluding that it didn't matter. I didn't need to feel terrible in the morning. I didn't to waste money. I didn't need to ruin relationships.
I wrestled for a week or two about how to fill my time after quitting, but soon found that I had more energy, felt better, and had more money. I was able to pursue my interests and strengthen my relationships.
Cheers to not drinking.
12
This article reveals that it is complicated. My mother drank. Under the influence she became a different, much worse, person than she was during the early daylight hours before she got started. She, like her own mother, had the alcoholic gene. It was built into her. She could have been thought of as an alcoholic even if she had never taken a single drink in her life. My father had suffered from rheumatoid arthritis. It crippled him and caused, what I imagine, was severe and constant pain. I used to meet him once a week at the bar where he had a chair dedicated to him. My father drank. But unlike my mother his drunkenness did not change him. He ‘mogged’ along as the same person day and night. Was he alcoholic? I’ve decided no. Luckily, I seem to be more my father than my mother in this regard. I’m helped because I have a poor stomach and too much booze turns me into a Clockwork Orange subject of re-education. I’m also helped because pot is a much less destructive substance.
3
Yes, we have a drinking problem based on the quiz, our glass or two of wine with dinner. The same as we have with our fellow retiree neighbors on summer evenings down on one of our docks on the lake. The binge after completing a big project and celebrating. We have friends who gave up drinking years ago and more power to them. Did drinking change the course of my career, my life or my 40 year marriage over 70 years? Not that I know of. If alcohol disappeared tomorrow, no problem other than wistful regret my vintage port collection would be gone and there would be no beer for Green Bay packers games.
1
In a few weeks, I'll reach three years alcohol free. I've been thinking about it the last few days and this article popped up over my morning coffee. Did I have a problem with alcohol? Hell yes! Could I just go out and have one drink. Hell no!
For more than two decades I thought alcohol and fun were one of the same. But for more than two decades, I relied on alcohol to mask who I was, to cloak the shame I felt in the depths of panic and anxiety; to protect me from the visceral reactions I had around people because of my high sensitivity and intuition.
Alcohol calmed my nerves, it took away my fear. But robbed me of the present moment. The freedom to live in the world unaltered.
I don't like the term "sobriety" because "being in recovery" or 12-step-groups were labels that never resonated with me. I went to one AA meeting, and knew within a few seconds it wasn't where I was supposed to be. Like the journalist in this story, I woke up one day (on the floor actually after hours of vomiting) and said “I can’t do it anymore. I quit.”
- It's been 1,035 days since I've had a drop of alcohol
- It's been the best 1,035 days of my life (yes, my entire life)
- I no longer hide from who I am
- I have made deep, lasting friendships over tea and coffee
- I can handle what comes my way
If you've read this all the way to the end, this is not some high and mighty holier than thou post. The time simply felt right to share a bit of my story as this journalist has done.
31
@Nicole
I want to thank you sincerely Nicole for caring for people like me who can benefit so much from your words. I already thanked the author for sharing her story. You will never know how much your words and Nancy’s have helped others.
I want to keep my “present moment” - the only time we ever have. The past is gone; the future is not here. I don’t want to be robbed of this precious time.
I wish you many decades of 1035 days of sobriety .
4
I suggest a pounding headache or sickness the next morning comes from substantially more than one or two drinks. Don't lie to yourself. And why this all or nothing attitude?
Unless you have an actual addiction, as opposed to a willfully uncontrolled habit, like everything else in life, just don't be an idiot. If you're having trouble, take a breath and go back and concentrate on the not being an idiot.
9
Thank you so much for this Nancy! I urge you and every woman reading this to get a new book, "Quit Like A Woman," which came out on 12/31 and which I've started listening to the 2nd time having just finished the first. REALLY resonated, especially how society/the alcohol industry ("Wine Moms" etc.) targets women. I've thought how I'd like to see Holly's book become a NYC Bestseller - here you go! Holly's website - https://www.jointempest.com/
1
thank you for the response your story has triggered. Wide range of people are sharing. That’s telling. I checked into rehab at 28 due to blackout drinking, hours, days would get lost. Since I spent the non drinking time suicidal, daily, occurred to me that I might kill myself in a blackout. Alcohol had taken me to depths of insanity that I wasn’t afraid of this awareness, just thought that would kind of be a weird way to go out. I successfully completed rehab but avoided AA due to many of the things mentioned in the comments, “it’s not for everyone”, “it’s religious”, “it’s a cult”. Eighteen months abstinent and I was miserable, thoughts of suicide had crept back in. Finally, as a last resort before finally killing myself, I decided to go to AA. I was truly surprised to find reasonably healthy people getting together to help other people get/stay healthy. It not for everyone?? That is true but not for the reasons people state in the comments. Many people just don’t like feeling like maybe they didn’t have all the answers after all. Religious?? The step literally says “...God of YOUR understanding.” I’ve never heard that in religion. I started out just believing the waves at the ocean were bigger than me, Not one person in AA questioned that...people outside of AA did. Cult?? Ridiculous. In reading the comments I hear over and over some of same characteristics that kept me believing my drinking was a not a problem...denial, selfishness, and arrogance.
10
I’m fascinated by people who declare that one person’s path to sobriety is “not for everyone” (usually AA) in one paragraph and then turn around in the next paragraph and talk as if their way of drinking/not drinking is “the way”.
The most Zen person I have met in alcohol recovery is known best for saying, “Really, who are you to determine what is “good” or “bad.”
If you tell me that Bigfoot comes out of a portal deep in the woods on the back 40 and gives to timely tips on how to abstain from alcohol and be happy and you have been able to remain sober for 29 years as a result, I’m going to celebrate that with you.
And if you believe you are perfectly happy with your drinking and believe everyone you come in contact has a better experience in life because you believe your drinking is perfectly normal, I’m curious why you clicked on this article and I’m definitely questioning the thought process that inspired you to comment.
3
Alcoholism kills 88,000 Americans every year.
If you cannot stop drinking when you know you need to stop-try AA. We know AA works because the spiritual principles remove the obsession to drink.
3
This article and everyone’s comments are reminding me of how hard people’s lives are and how problems are made worse by alcohol. Grateful that everyone here is trying hard to face their demons, and that (despite all my ridiculous other flaws) that alcohol is such a rare part of my life.
4
My thoughts and prayers are not with the entrenched drinker/drug user, but rather his or her family members, spouses, friends, bosses, co-workers, and traffic victims.
11
It is possible to have compassion for both.
16
I am in AA and the last 8 of my 56 years of life have been sober. I have met hundreds of people whose life has dramatically improved by quitting drinking. I have yet to meet one person whose life got worse by quitting. There is simply no downside to stopping. Thanks for your story.
23
What Does It Mean to Have a Serious Drinking Problem?
HAPPINESS
2
Highly recommend Annie Grace’s book, Naked Mind, if you feel ready to moderate or stop drinking alcohol.
10
I was 23 when I entered a psychiatric hospital. I had abused alcohol since the age of 12. You can only imagine the bridges I burned, the dangerous situations I put myself in, the damage that was done to my young body and developing brain...I was at a bottom and wanted to die. I felt crazy, moved from place to place, lied, cheated and manipulated anyone I could to get what I wanted. When I entered the hospital I was sure I was mentally ill, and that I needed serious psychiatric help. I will never forget what the psychiatrist told me after reading though my history. She looked up at me and said, "You are an alcoholic and if you remove alcohol from your life, the rest of these problems will go away." That was 30 years ago-and she was right. I had been to AA twice before in my young life, but this time I truly felt my life was in danger.
You can say I "grew up" in AA-I was brainwashed, and my brain needed to be brainwashed because I was a sick person.
AA is not the only game in town, but it the game I learned.
Am I sober? Many people in AA would tell me no, because after 30 years of never using ANY drug I have found that cannabis is an extremely effective cure for the insomnia and mood swings of menopause. "A drug is a drug is a drug" is simply scientifically NOT true. I can smoke a bowl and not end up in another city (alcohol), in a stranger's bed (alcohol), regret what I said or did the night before (alcohol), have my stomach pumped...To thine own self be true!
117
@Natalie
We have a similar journey. And I believe we are miracles. I had my last drink just shy of 33 years. I , too, use CBD/THC as pain relief and as a sleep aid. I am in AA , and also know the attitude about “using” and “sobriety”. After wrestling with the use of cannabis (it was to replace opiate meds, which I found to be much worse) I made peace with my sobriety. I am very aware of “medicating”, however as our bodies change, we need to come to our own terms about pain management. I’ve also found that there is a big difference in drinking my way to oblivion and the decision to use small amounts of a plant 🌱 for pain. My life has changed for the better and since my last Ive never had to experience that terror, bewilderment and frustration that alcohol 🍺 brought me.
20
The danger Natalie, is if you’re presenting yourself as a non-user, to the recovering community.
When introducing yourself, I hope it’s accurate i.e. my name is Natalie, I’m an alcoholic, and I get high.
When a sick and suffering newcomer arrives, hanging on by a thread, it is absolutely essential that they know they’ve arrived at a safe place - that it’s not just the next bunch of liars and scammers.
I’m glad You’ve been able to reap the benefits of the fellowship.
5
If the writer of this article ever went to an AA meeting, no one in AA would report her, write down her name or ask her any questions. We use first names only. "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of our program." It doesn't matter if you spent last night in the Waldorf Astoria or under a bridge, no one outranks anyone in AA. There is no hierarchy. There is no competition. There are no leaders. There is no status. Imagine that! Yet meetings magically form every day and night at certain times and places. I believe that Occupy Wall Street tried to emulate the AA method and failed. That's because they were not anonymous and they were fighting for a cause. AA does not wish to engage in ANY controversy, neither endorses or opposes any causes. We who attend have ceased fighting. When the NYT recently ran an op-ed about how AA was a "patriarchy," the official response from AA was sound of silence. Call it a "cult" if you like. Ego is not our amigo.
14
big text, the patriarchy of AA would refer to its male dominated culture.
1
All I can tell you with absolute certainty is that the stuff doesn't taste good to me.
2
Could be worse. Could be a serious non-drinking problem.
2
I read this earlier and I came back because I recognize I'm not alone...
7
FYI, anyone who has enjoyed this discussion might enjoy a meeting of AA or Al-Anon.
4
AA gets the predictable bad press here - which it always does in any public forum.
An issue for American AA (and it came into being Akron, Ohio, 1935) is its conflation with the criminal justuce system. I understand that courts in the USA can 'sentence' offenders to AA. This never works - you can't compel, fighten or otherwise induce an alcoholic to find recovery. No wonder that approach fails. Here in UK, AA gives love and encouragement to alcoholics facing justice - 'you're not to blame but you ARE responsible for your actions, drunk or sober' but otherwise strenuously resists providing 'certificates of AA attendance', recovery charts and, generally, any type formal contact with courts.
"It's a cult/mind control/god centred/a scam..." Who cares?
AA saved my life.
11
It’s not how much you drink or how often that qualifies you as an alcoholic. It’s how drinking makes you feel about yourself.
I’m not a stereotypical alcoholic but a clinical social worker, an agnostic and a feminist; I have been sober in A.A. for twenty-one years. It is something I’d recommend to anyone who has the desire to stop drinking.
12
Thank you Joan.
3
There is a reading done at AA meetings called “The Promises”. It states that you will know a new freedom. It is true.
6
NIAA standards are that drinking is considered to be in the moderate or low-risk range for women at no more than three drinks in any one day and no more than seven drinks per week. For men, it is no more than four drinks a day and no more than 14 drinks per week. Equally important, the NIAA also defines as standard drink in the United States as, one "standard" drink (or one alcoholic drink equivalent) contains roughly 14 grams of pure alcohol, which is found in: 12 ounces of regular beer, which is usually about 5% alcohol. 5 ounces of wine, which is typically about 12% alcohol. 1.5 ounces of distilled spirits, which is about 40% alcohol.
Most people under report how much they consume because most bars server drinks larger than this. A 23oz beer is not one drink. A quartino of wine is not one drink.
5
Note to self: if a bartender kicks you out because you fall off the barstool and you think it's funny, it doesn't matter how you rate on various drinks per week scales -- whatever it is, it's several too many.
5
After more than a decade of drowning her anxiety with alcohol, my spouse recently found new hope for a happy life by taking a drug called Antabuse. It’s been around for decades. It works by making someone who ingests alcohol severely sick. But suddenly there’s a nationwide shortage and answers as to why are hard to come by. Apparently some Lyme disease patients believe it helps fight that disease. I’ve called the manufacturer and all they say is they’re “not shipping at this time”. Each month I call dozens of pharmacies trying to find some place that has 30 pills. Most months I can only find 10 to 15. When she has it, she does great. When she doesn’t, it’s terrible. I wish the federal government would get involved in cases like this to ensure an adequate supply. I can’t imagine what it’s like for cancer patients who can’t find their life saving drugs.
13
I stopped drinking six years ago and it is so liberating. Gone are the negotiations with myself about which days I should drink, and how much. I didn't realize how many issues (mood/anxiety, lack of resilience) were the result of alcohol until I stopped. I drink non alcoholic beer and wine and friends are surprised at parties that I’m just as fun as those who drink. When I order a non-alcoholic drink at a bar, I'm not ashamed. I'm proud. My life is all the better for not drinking and there’s not a chance I’d give any of the benefits up for the buzz of another drink
17
Same for me. Six years and I’m not ashamed to order NA beers in a bar. Wish more stocked them.
3
Congratulations on your accomplishment! And thank you for being willing to share such a personal journey. You will undoubtedly help many people.
13
Thank you for this article. I'm hopeful the tide is starting to turn and perhaps our society will become more balanced with respect to alcohol. At present, it is still part of virtually every social and professional event, and is common in most households. Even in the shower, according to Coors.
The number of regular, long term alcohol drinkers who can stop "whenever they feel like it" is low. Most everyone CAN stop, but it will likely take much more effort and determination than expected, because of the addiction but also because of habit and social expectations.
The simple fact is if you use an addictive substance regularly for an extended period of time, your use will likely increase in amount and frequency and your body will become more or less strongly addicted to alcohol. There's so much blame and denial, but this is a biological fact.
I'm glad I don't ever have to drink alcohol - and ruin my sleep and make myself more or less sick the next day - ever again.
10
You told my story.
5
If you don't like the "god" stuff in AA, maybe you could find or start an AA for atheists. My cousin in Toronto did that.
1
@Bet
There's no 'god' stuff in AA, even if the word appears in AA literature.
It's 'Higher Power' - which can be pretty much whatever you want - even just the higher power of the AA group. You can decide. The only thing it CAN'T be is one's own self will.
There's no need for an AA for atheists. That exists already.
6
No one in AA has to believe in God. “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.”
6
Thank you for this terrific post, and your story. For those stick stuck in the trap, I can't recommend Allen Carr's "Quit Drinking". A Real Game Changer. Good luck to all... https://amzn.to/36Ur3n2
1
If I don't drink over the next 90+ days I will celebrate 15 years of sobriety on May 10. I was the high functioning drunk with the Fortune 100 management job, respected in the company and the industry. My behavior looked a lot like Nancy's and countless others. I learned early in my recovery that "it's not how much I drink or how often I drink but what happens to me what I drink." Almost anything is possible from uneventful to complete insanity. I frequently auditioned for DWI but was never picked. Anyway, as so many people before me one day I stood at a turning point and I was for that moment willing to take a path I had never tried. The obsession was lifted almost immediately for me and I was freed from the bondage of alcoholism. And now my life is about becoming free from the bondage of self. A much harder endeavor. I got sober in AA and I stay sober in AA. I love the program and my nut job friends. We laugh endlessly, we cry when necessary, and we encourage one another and call each other on our nonsense when appropriate. Some people do not need the support. I do. It's that simple. My name is Pete, and I am the real alcoholic.
23
Thank you so much for your comment. I specially appreciated; “is not how much or how often I drink but what happens to me when I drink” so very true and aplicable to my life as well.
So often people hide behind the fact that they dont drink very often or don’t drink too much. However with low frequency an small amount you can still seriously damage your life and others as well. This has become very clear to me now and is very helpful. Thank you!
4
@Pete
Keep coming back!
2
@Pete I feel compelled to say thanks, somehow
4
There's nothing worse than having to put up with my wife's brother who was always abusive when we were together at family gatherings, after he started drinking.
Fortunately, after putting up with his verbal abuse for 20 years,
mainly in respect for my wife, I finally confronted him about his alcohol problem. He said to my wife and I that we falsely accused him. Good news is, I haven't seen him show up at family gatherings.
4
No fun being the non-drinker in an alcoholic family. Your very existence is a continual reminder of all they are not.
3
From someone who had to stop drinking several decades ago: Generally speaking, people who don't have a drinking problem don't spend a lot of time wondering if they have a drinking problem. If you think you might, you probably do.
You could be wrong, but if you stop drinking unnecessarily you will save a lot of money and avoid a lot of hangovers. And I have never regretted a drink I didn't take.
11
I’m very happy for you! My doctor told me if you think you’re drinking too much, you probably are. I told her I drink two glasses of wine per day. She went off the walls. It’s a good thing I didn’t tell her the truth! But seriously, folks, the problem is - I don’t get a buzz anymore at two drinks per day. Now, that is disturbing. So I am slowly making my way down to none to one on alternate days, yada, yada. I hope you keep up the good work!
10
Hi, my name is John and I am an alcoholic. It took me decades to admit that and in my case it started me on the winding road of recovery. It wasn't the crave or the desire to drink that brought me into recovery. It was wreckage. Wreckage I created whenever I drank. I never drank heavily but that was out of fear. My father was a violent drunk and I saw I was no different. So, I white-knuckled it until a partner of mine died and then I drank and fought and woke up.
I needed help. Help my dad never found.
When I stood up in AA the first time I was scared, embarrassed, ashamed and needier than anyone I had ever knew. A few weeks into the 12 step program and I realized I was far from alone.
I need the label: alcoholic. I need it to remind me I am one drink away from taking a life, ruining my family's lives and my own . . .
20
@John Thomas Ellis
Thanks for sharing your ground truth!
Thanks for the honesty!
2
Growing up with an abusive alcoholic dad, I used to abhor the sizzling sound of one more soda bottle being opened because it meant one more drink that my dad would partake of and most likely give rise to more abuse. Till this day, I cannot stand the sound of a perfectly harmless soda-pop commercial opening up a drink and loudly pouring sound into a container. I have to literally turn down the volume of that sound.
Alcohol abuse takes on many forms but the one needlessly inflicted on innocent wives/girlfriends and children is probably one of the worst.
15
I wish my mother could have done what you have. This means the world to your daughter.
140
@Daisy22 I would upvote this a thousand times if I could.
15
@Daisy22 You are not alone. Same here.
5
I was scared straight in 2017, on St. Patrick's Day, when I went out with a friend for a couple of beers. I had had a beer earlier in the day. But I also had a stroke, a year earlier that almost killed me. That St Pat's eve. I ate a bowl of chili with my beer. An hour later I got home and couldn't swallow. Only because I was aware of the seriousness of that symptom because of the previous stroke, did I think of getting down to the ER fast! All I can say is-- you don't know the extent of what you DON'T know about alcohol's effect on your own system sometimes until it's too late. Most of my life I was a 2 beer an evening drinker or 2 glasses of wine, not unlike the author. Since I quit drinking (I have a glass of wine once a month, but always drink a glass of water with it), my health has improved, I've had no more strokes, strangely my dentist who yearly had to fill cavities in my teeth, didn't have 1 cavity to fill in the last 3 years. Yes, it is a good thing not to dwell on the guilt ridden, self thrashing, woeful sinner approach that is attributed to AA whether deserved or not. But it is also not so good to over celebrate the benefits of alcohol for the lucky few who are impervious to its toxic effects. Most of us lie in between. Alcohol provides pleasure and seemingly magic to some situations in life, making us think that situation is better that the other 90% of life. It's not. And sometimes we receive a very rude awakening.
10
Hilariously inaccurate portrayal of AA. I usually laugh more at an AA meeting than I do the rest of the day.
3
I would like to see it made an offence to encourage others to drink alcohol, on par with pushing the use of weed or coke on a non-user. The legal implications could curb high schoolers pushing each other into drinking, but of course it would be useful for many adult drinkers who hate drinking alone, or who hate themselves for their own (bad) drinking habits and for unexplained reasons want to bring others down with them. Every first drink I took was most often pushed on me. In the end I stopped just to stop the « booze pushers », some of which were close friends or work colleagues.
The booze culture of walking around 5 star resorts with a large wine glass, or having a glass in hand in every facebook picture is so passé. Frankly, it just looks sad.
9
One of the truths may also be: the devil you may turn out to be while drinking belongs to you and is connected to you.
7
Earlier this month I had the most delicious, satisfying, complex AF (stands for alcohol free - NOT what you were thinking - but that works too in this case ;) cocktail Cafe Dante on MacDougal St. It was so good I lingered and had two. This Faux Groni, was one of the options their extensive Negroni menu. I so enjoyed the scene and the company on a wonderful snowy NYC afternoon that it’s a day I won’t soon forget. Somehow they managed to create a beverage that gives you the upscale adult feeling of having a boozy bitter, sweet, dry yet lively cocktail in a beautiful frosty glass with an killer gigantic ice ball. I don’t know how they did it and can’t wait to go back. Nicest time I’ve had in a bar in decades and one of the only times I’ve ever had in a bar without alcohol. Went home and read the book I bought earlier in the day at the Strand. Remembered everything about the day and the book. Slept like a baby and woke up the next day to a beautiful Sunday morning. Anybody want to meet up for a delicious AF cocktail?
22
It is good! I loved the old Cafe Dante and its new incarnation.
3
@Laura This is what I do now! I love asking bartenders to make me a grown up AF beverage, and put it in a pretty glass. At home, I have different flavored shrubs (fruit vinegar) I mix with sparkling water and a pretty garnish. I don't miss booze one bit and I love experimenting with the many options of AF cocktails. Like you, the rest of my day or evening is a joy, and I sleep great. I can't believe it took me this long to figure out that I don't have to drink.
9
Once accused, everybody who drinks is an alcoholic. There's no possible way to acquit yourself. It goes like this when you talk to the crowd whose livings depend on an unending stream of "addicts":
Scenario 1
"You're an alcoholic."
"Yes I am."
"That's great! Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery."
Scenario 2
"You're an alcoholic."
"No I'm not."
"You're in denial. You can't get better until you admit you have a problem."
23250131
5
Sorry you feel trapped.
@Jim
Jim, let me put it to you this way: those of us who are not alcoholics never face that problem. No one has ever said to me, 'You're an alcoholic.'
3
Enjoy the booze, or not, either way always remember you are drinking a poison. One that first releases you from all your inhibitions; and then obliterates good judgement. And always in that order. You're engaged in a slow motion dance with suicide; whether you recognize it or not.
It always starts with pleasure high (no pun intended) on the impact list, pain low. But from the middle point in the dance, and from that point onward, it's the pain that comes to dominate. It is no fun at that point. As a slave you are shackled to the substance. Instead of drinking from the bottle it drinks from you.
My advice is much along the lines of what Nancy Wartik has come to understand. Put it down. If you can muster the will step away and continue your life's dance unaided by such a substance.
I speak from the standpoint of experience on this. I realized I was dancing with a problem when my intake of Jack Daniels got up to a 5th every two days. At that point, after having pounded my skull against walls for far too long, I awoke to my error.
And stopped.
It has proven to be one of the wiser decisions I have made in this life. And from that point on so it goes...
John~
American Net'Zen
13
This is a disease that is extremely difficult to overcome and I whole heartedly applaud any effort to beat it! One aspect that is easily ignored is the the effect alcoholism has in loved ones.
Very few of us commit to a relationship with three participants; alcohol and two spouses. The children and spouses of alcoholics usually take second place to the bottle! The other victims of alcoholism, are often jobs (income), mortgages, bills and social interactions.
I may seem implacable in this respect because I live with an alcoholic and have suffered all of the above! I have no sympathy with the excuses; I've heard most of them and the creativity is amazing. When you come right down to it, alcoholism is a choice of priorities.
That choice is to continue drinking or to seek help. Fighting alcoholism is and always will be a struggle. I will always help toward that goal; but I can not and won't support an alcoholic who gives up that struggle or pretends there are no victims!
8
I loved drinking, but it did not love me back. Many problems I had over my adult years can be traced back to, "I was drunk that night" or not thinking clearly the next day. I quit for stretches of time, joined AA, stopped going to meetings for support and started drinking again. My last five years of drinking really pushed me into becoming dependent on alcohol. I decided to stop drinking to lose weight. Too my surprise, I went into moderate alcohol withdrawals----moderately shakey and horrible anxiety. Many people don't realize they are addicted to alcohol and do not attribute their anxiety when they go without drinking, to alcohol withdrawal. I loved drinking, but I love not having to be dependent on a substance much more. For me, AA offers support from a group of people who really understand what I went through. Because alcohol is pushed as a fun drink so much in our society, what I hear at any meeting helps me to get the message that it is not fun for me anymore. If you think you may have a problem with alcohol, try stopping and see what happens. If you wake up with the dragon knocking at your door, (my personal mental image for what withdrawal felt like), you may be addicted.
7
And furthermore I just don't "get" alcohol anymore. The last time I drank I just felt awful. I had a glass of wine and a craft IPA on Christmas day. By the evening I was just sleepy and foggy headed. Got up the next day with a headache. I asked myself, why did I drink if this is what it does to me?
Why would I take a depressant to celebrate something?
I don't understand the buzz anymore. I guess it does different things to different people. If you like it, good for you, but for me the thrill is gone, if ever there was a thrill at all. I suspect in the future I will still get the occasional craving for a good IPA, and when I do, I may go out and drink one. I reached for one the other day in the grocery store and then said you know what, you don't even really want this.
As far as being intoxicated on alcohol, it has zero appeal for me.
4
@Me - LOVE this -“Why would I take a depressant to celebrate something?” So true. So simple. So much clarity. I will remember this and will use it in tempting celebratory situations. We’ve been doing it all wrong!!! Thank you.
2
I consider a hangover as a alcohol-generated concussion. Your brain has been pickled and dehydrated. I’m not a “tea total” person, but my brain is who I am. Drinking little is a form of brain protection.
6
Good for you. Thank you for sharing.
3
When was the last time that you did something for someone else ... or just considered how someone else may experience you?
4
Someone once told me "If you think you might have a drinking problem, you have a drinking problem."
9
Other people's drinking.....is like other people's sex and reproductive lives....Everyone has an opinion on other people's habits.
1
And half of all traffic deaths involve drunk drivers.
Can I have an opinion now?
8
Thank you to the NYT and/or the author for allowing comments on this article.
12
Congrats!
2
Recognizing you have a problem and then doing something about it is key. Good on you for fixing yourself.
One thing that has always amazed me is the intolerance some people have for all things alcohol- they automatically assume if you drink you have a problem. Not so, only some people have a problem- and when you see it you recognize how large that monkey on the back can be. This is where friends or AA can save a life. The dark side of booze is a nightmare for some.
Story: knock on the door years ago and soon a not so soft sell by a JW was under way. I noted how the person's eyes fastened on a can of beer on my table and the look in their eyes could not have been more condemnatory. When I heard a shift in tone about evil this and evil that. I stopped the spiel and I asked if they had ever heard of "Judge not lest ye be judged". The bulb did not go off, I shut the door, took a pull on my beer and thought "I don't know about all that god stuff but I do know this: Molson sure makes a nice bevie and I think I will have another."
2
The spectrum is broad, the effects are inevitable. I have been through a very profound six months which included removing alcohol. Diagnostic tools are fine, what resonates is we all need to find our limits BEFORE we go over into full addictive habits that cross lines. No tool, survey, or justification can do that.
Look around and ask questions to those who know you to find limits. You will be very surprised what some will say.
Some years no alcohol, some with social alcohol, but others with everyday alcohol. All while being an upstanding professional, father, husband. No crime, behavior, symptoms. No one said anything- until I asked.
What they said surprised me. So much that I stopped instantly. Withdrawals, outpatient treatment, and liver damage were the result of something that I never thought about previously.
If you are reading the article, ask yourself why? Go sit in a group setting for a few weeks and see how bad it can get, because it will inevitably. That might be all you need at the precipice.
No amount is safe, apologies social drinkers. There is a root cause you need to find and associate, as in the author, often masked in our own perceptions. Mine was a numbing habit superficially, altered brain chemistry clinically, abuse and trauma emotionally.
Odd thing about the entirety of the past six months- never once craved a drink to cope. I was told that is a subtle narrative for those who want to stop before they perceive issues.
5
Is there a way for problem drinkers (potential alcoholics?) to stop before they reach a "bottom" involving irreparable harm to themselves or to others?
If you drink and drive and you are not an alcoholic, you are merely a criminal. If you abuse others while drinking and are not an alcoholic, you are a jerk.
Why not stop drinking if it brings you misery? You can't? Well . . .
4
If you behave like a jerk after 2 to 4 drinks, and those aren't the first alcoholic drinks you've ever had in your life, then you're not an alcoholic....you're a jerk.
8
I find it odd that although she mentioned having the female "trimvirate: husband, kids, respectable job", she made -no- mention of the effect that her drinking had on -any- of these. Did she imagine (or do other alcoholics imagine) that those near and dear to you have no idea what's going on? That she woke up feeling lousy and her husband and kid didn't notice? Yet she confided to friends what happened. I see more indication of a social life with her friends than with her family. I wonder why she wrote the article that way.
4
@Aram Hollman
She was protecting her family by not sharing personal details that aren't germane to her story.
5
"The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking." You don't have to "prove" anything. It's not a debating society. There is no specific deity in AA, only "a God of our understanding." G.O.D. -- Good Orderly Direction -- can come from anywhere. Your higher self can be your higher power. In some groups, we say the Lord's Prayer because it just happens to be a simple plan to get us through the day. We have Christians, Jews, Muslims, atheists and agnostics in our groups. We have groups created by gay alcoholics. There are women's groups and men's groups. There are thousands of groups around the world. If you don't like one group, go to another. There are open and closed meetings. Closed meetings are for those who have a desire to stop drinking. There are open speaker meetings that you can attend even if you have been drinking. We try to practice, with varying degrees of success, loving kindness and tolerance. "We are not saints," far from it. We're just seeking to be restored to sanity in this insane world. AA is an oasis of sanity, hope and support. It is the opposite of a cult. It has no leaders, no enforcers. No one will make you stay or even try to convince you stop drinking. It is the best thing about being an alcoholic.
14
Good for you, I have had my own battles with it, took me a long time to work out that I was just sick of it and it was killing me.
I am now a bit of a fitness freak, so I think there is clearly some sort of personally disorder associated with it, just need to refocus the energy, though that’s bloody hard!
Best advice I gave myself was never give up giving up, took the pressure off failing
9
(I responded to another commenter below with this but thought sharing it as a stand-alone posting could be useful.)
I was a social drinker (drinking heavily on weekends), and I quit totally while in college -yes, I was the weird one. I did it by looking at everything that was positive about it: better sleep, losing weight, no hangovers, saving money... Most importantly, I felt strong. I watched others drink and loose control, become boisterous, aggressive, stupid. I woke up early on weekends to go jogging watching others come from their party nights with green skin and sunken eyes, and rejoiced in my chosen wellbeing. Further, I even enjoyed my socializing better as I realized I could engage and have meaningful and fun conversations just the same -it only took a little longer to do so, as if all alcohol did was to speed up my un inhibiting.
Alas, I slowly started drinking again years later and today I struggle with a moderate drinking problem of a different order: I like my glass of wine at dinner that often turns into two or three. I often think of going back to sober. I know I can do it but I don’t. Why? For me, knowing I can do something is worse than not knowing it, because I don’t have the need to prove myself. And I keep drinking, some days more, some less, some none.
However, I know that one of these days I will be my own captain again and do it for good. And I will enjoy it.
5
@Doña Urraca de Castilla
major jive there
do what you want , no Articles of Rationalization needed
People tell themselves a lot of lies about their own drinking. This article was written by a problem drinker in denial about how much they drink and their ability to leave alcohol alone. I have never had not one drink. I do not like the smell and would not even try it all. No desire to. The President of the United States saw what alcohol did to his brother and so he too does not drink at all. Alcohol is a big lie foisted upon people by the Alcohol industry. Hard Cider, Hard seltzer, they keep thinking of new ways for people to keep drinking and really it is not necessary at all like Cigarettes and sugary foods. Sold to addicts. The only way to stop is not to start at all. Alcohol is gross.
6
@This just in
Amazing that you never touched the stuff! Amazing foresight and ability to use judgment! America has always been a nation of drunks. The Puritans drank beer because water was not safe. In the 19th Century, Americans commonly drank hard liquor all day. We have had tragically alcoholic presidents like Franklin Pierce and tragically sober presidents like Abe Lincoln, like you, a lifetime tea-totaler. Anyway, congrats on your wisdom!
I think you're missing something if you don't add AA. It's a terrific way of life.
4
My sister is in AA and has been for years. Her husband is an alcoholic who still drinks. Her friends are all AA. His friends are all alcoholics. It is weird. She avoids any real interaction with family members or anyone outside AA. Almost like a cocoon. Her greatest fear in life is drinking again so I guess she needs to be cloistered. Seems cultish to me but, then, I don't drink.
2
Congratulations to Ms. Wartik for being able to be so straight forward about her former unhealthy involvement with alcohol!
It's really important to have these kinds of experiences out in the open and more frankly discussed so that people can see that their own doubts, fears, and struggles with drinking are more common than we might believe. And, that perhaps some readers will look at their own situation and decide that it's time to just stop, period.
To my mind, alcohol is given way too much credit for its supposedly important accompaniment to so much we do: most social situations (I became an adult during the time of the ubiquitous "cocktail party," during the 1960s--I didn't know a single person who wasn't drinking in those days--some who shouldn't have been), weddings, wakes & funerals, going out on a date, meeting with friends after work, sports events, lunches and dinners, and on and on.
Alcohol is found just about everywhere in our daily lives!
It's so heartening to learn of Ms. Wartik's ability to change her life in such an incredibly meaningful way. With stopping drinking she's made something important out of her life that will spread in a good way to her own self-respect--perhaps helping with her depressed feelings,--to her family, and to those who care about her. Brava!
5
Kudos to the author of this article for having chosen a more encouraging and happy lifestyle. Yes, alcohol can devastate. It has been written about that one addiction can often accompany another, and sometimes the addiction can be behavioral, like spending too much,...etc. People become sober in many ways but the 12 step programs, as well as Al-Anon (a group for co-dependents and those to people who are alcoholics), are useful to many in exploring their own journey of recovery of their true selves. "Higher Power", can be God, Goddess, nature, the beach....
Often the "Higher Power" could represent one's inspired self. There is also a group entitled "Women for Sobriety", that many women have found assistance in, but everyone has their very own path and way of finding their sobriety. Again I am happy the author is finding joy and serenity in her new life!
2
Thank you for sharing your story. It gave me a lot to think about.
7
Thanks to this article and all the comments, I have seen the light. I have now gone 35 minutes without a drink, but I'm not declaring victory just yet--I'll have to wait to see what tomorrow (and the Super Bowl) brings.
5
My father was an alcoholic and every weekend my home life was a raging drunken conflagration, so my take on alcohol consumption may be a bit askew. I was in my thirties when I used the term alcoholic to my Dad and at first he was angry at me, but later said he knew it was true. That said, trust me, the main issue is control . When you cannot control if or how much you drink you have a problem. Its not how much fun you are having or whether you drive drunk. Those with a problem don't want to hear the negatives and usually are threatened by the specter of addressing the problem.
3
How much does all this drinking cost? Have you kept a record of your expenditures for alcohol? When I was young, coming from a large family, I had little money. I did not buy frivolous things; I could not afford them while I was a college student. Now I am retired, with sufficient money for the rest of my life (I hope).
5
I feel like alcoholism is connected to depression because at 21 I drank only a bit then after a life changing event happened I started to get severely depressed and that resulted in me drinking a lot. Now that I am healthier mentally, emotionally, and physically I no longer drink. As a woman it puts on a lot of weight (drinking). Also it's just unnecessary. Now that I have been through therapy I have found my coping skills and things that bring me true joy. I also have enough confidence to have fun by myself. I think alcohol is pointless for me. If I have a little with my dinner thats fine but to guzzle down just for the hell of it doesnt make sense to me because I realized I was ruining my body by damaging vital organs and speeding up my aging process. I believe in moderation everything is fine. You have to have self discipline and true self control.
7
Thank you so much. Your article has been a great help.
6
I read an account that was almost verbatim to this story in our local paper last month. In both stories, the main takeaway seems to be that Alcoholism is a disease of denial. This woman is the dictionary definition of a straight forward alcoholic but she can't quite get there to see it. Perhaps I am incorrect, but I believe that is why in AA "shares" start off with the honest declaration, "Hi my name is____and I am an alcoholic."
7
Probably someone else has mentioned it but you might like Tempest - a new organization NOT based in AA that helped me quit drinking. The founder Holly Whitaker just published a book "How to Quit Like a Woman" which I highly recommend along with "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace. I know people don't like to hear it but I think alcohol is more damaging than smoking and hurts far more people. Who has ever woken up the next morning and regretted NOT drinking?
6
As a friend said, I’ve had my quota.
6
Quitting alcohol and then having a "celebratory drink"?
That's called addiction.
8
It doesnt seem like the alcohol is the problem with this person.
5
So many responses to this article include what I see ais the most powerful false assumption about alcohol: "it helps you relax.” Alcohol is not what is helping you relax, Taking a break from your day, getting comfortable by the fire and committing to an hour of inactivity is what helps you relax. The “drink” is an excuse for the ritual. Similarly, when we “have a drink with a friend" we are seeking emotional connection. When we toast t a wedding we seek a feeling of “celebration.” In every case, putting ethanol in the blood stream only blunts these emotional pleasures. Add to that the eroded sleep of a brain metabolising alcohol, and the nervous anxiety of low self-esteem that often goes with drinking, and you see that drinking actually destroys relaxation and every other pleasure it claims to provide.
BWF in Santa Monica
19
Sobriety! Nothing in the world like it! I'm 73 years of age and sober now for 34 years. I feel fortunate that never one day since my last drink have I felt the temptation to imbibe "just one." Alcohol simply isn't a part of my life anymore, and being sober has helped me through several difficult times over the past 30 years. I wouldn't have a drink if I was offered a million bucks to throw one back. It's not worth the time to even think of such a betrayal to myself and my loved ones. Bravo, Ms Wartik!
9
I wish the author had revealed more about her Clinical depression and what medications if any.
As one friend described it, “I drank because I was depressed, but drinking make me only more depressed. So I began taking medication for my depression, but when I quit drinking, my depression went away, and I don’t need the pills anymore.” That’s the story I read between lines.
7
Thank you for sharing your journey.
2
35 years sober. Don’t regret one day. Changed my life. Sobriety has made me a better husband, dad, writer, actor. Looking back, instead of ruining my life...I’ve had a life. I am very grateful.
35
30 years sober - I could not have done it without AA. I urge the writer to start attending meetings - otherwise she's just a dry drunk
4
Dry drunk is such a condescending word. I’ve lost a lot friends to AA because they did did address their underlying narcissism.
2
@patty why is someone who quit drinking without AA labeled with the derogatory “dry drunk”. You are “taking someone’s inventory” sister. Keep your side of the street clean. It doesn’t matter how you quit, just that you quit. Give credit where credit is due and hold your self righteousness in check.
10
“In short, if you wonder whether you drink too much, sometimes it’s best to trust your gut.”
I disagree, In short, if you wonder whether you drink too much, you drink too much.
11
A very nice article, Ms. Wartik. You mentioned watching movies about drinking. If one thinks it's about time to put the bottle down, watch Ray Milland in "The Lost Weekend."
10
I'll drink to that...!
3
What does it mean? It means decent, sober people have been fed up with you for years and your own family despises what you have become. It means you have been taking advantage of people you care about for a long, long time without realizing it. It means your boss is paying you for unproductive days and you are raising children with enormous insecurities because they can't trust you about anything and they think your drinking is their fault.
8
I was drinking heavily for years. I knew I had a drinking problem and back in my mind it was very worrying me every time I had too much to drink. The mornings and days after were the worst. Then, I stumbled upon a book on Amazon - I like to read. The book is called This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. After I read it, I stopped cold turkey. I had no idea it was so easy to stop! Now, when I taste a red wine, it tastes disgusting!
The book saved my life. It was written by a woman and even though I'm a guy her experience completely resonated with mine. Especially flying Business Class overseas and hanging out in Airport Lounges means unlimited drinking - a perfect path to alcoholism. Do yourself a favor and read her book. It might save your life too:
https://www.amazon.com/This-Naked-Mind-Discover-Happiness/dp/0525537236/ref=pd_sbs_14_16?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0525537236&pd_rd_r=bce9f389-9a22-4e4c-9617-71c9974c53d6&pd_rd_w=xaX2e&pd_rd_wg=s7Hjo&pf_rd_p=bdd201df-734f-454e-883c-73b0d8ccd4c3&pf_rd_r=MNYSG474SWAGAFKJ0RBA&psc=1&refRID=MNYSG474SWAGAFKJ0RBA
12
It's s great book! Helped me enormously.
7
I know a lot of people who have gotten sober. Most of the ones who were jerks when they were drinking are still jerks.
12
I think if you're in the habit of taking online quizzes to reassure yourself you don't have a drinking problem, you probably have a drinking problem.
16
I have two friends who have gotten drunker and fatter each passing year. They slur, they stink, they shimmy and they each need new knees due to the large amount of weight they’ve gained. I’ve spoken to them twice about their disgustingly drunken states at gatherings of friends. Since then they no longer talk to me and avoid eye contact when we are in a room as a group. It’s a sorry state of affairs but each has given up driving and working due to their inability to perform under the influence. It’s disgusting , sad and idiotic.
8
@Bruce Egert
Bruce, This is how my parents approached me: “ We’re saying this because we love you. We’re here for you, but it’s your choice. We can help you find a way to get through this if you want our help and support. But you have to want to. “ Yes, I was overweight, I would say mean things, I got mad at them for interfering in my life, but mostly I was mad at myself for having lost control of my life. But I had to admit that to myself first before I was ready to fix myself first. Your empathy could be what they need, not your disgust. Just sayin’.
5
It means that you've forfeit your life in exchange for a bottle and alienation from yourself.
3
Just one word to share. As you're re-reading your assertion that yes, you drink, and yes, you drink a lot, but you're not an alcoholic, just add "yet." XXXIV
4
......they told me to go to AA......they said “it is bigger than you”.......it is.....and so much more!.........
5
I recommend This Naked Mind by Annie Grace.
7
If you spend most of your day planning your drinks, meeting friends for drinks, consume a bottle of wine at dinner and can't remember when a full day went by without drinking -- you could probably call yourself an alcoholic. That was me. But that's such a disgraceful word to use, right? For me, at my first AA meeting, when I nervously stood up and said, 'my name is **** and I'm an alcoholic,' an invisible weight dropped from my shoulders, like a hundred pounds. My new friends applauded me and a kind woman gave me a bag of candy. I've been working it ever since. I was that so-called 'functional alcoholic', yeah, my speech didn't slur and people liked me, but it ruined two marriages and my career was in jeopardy. These days I find myself in the longest, happiest relationship I've ever been in and my career has never been better. I'm 20 years sober.
222
Good for you!
I have been sober 24 years and although my bottom was not as low as others it sure as heck was low enough for me.
I miss little about alcohol. Life is too freaking short that I want to blur any of it. Life and being an adult still scare the crap out of me at 51. I am forever grateful I gave up alcohol and see my share of people on the spectrum.
I did AA for 12 years and enjoyed much of the fellowship until I started to question the dogmatic approach many of its members had. My esteemed sponsor told me «AA is not a cult but many try to turn it in to one» With that being said I would still suggest it to anyone.
Good luck and God speed to anyone considering stopping.
5
I’m going to my first Al-Anon meeting on Thursday. I love my husband of four years but I don’t know if I should stay with him. (We’re in our mid-70’s.) His slightly excessive drinking is one of the many ways in which he tries to deal with his anxiety and depression. His erratic impulsive behavior is taking a toll on my health and is costing him, and us, friends. We are in couples’ counseling which has helped us to be better people. I’m not sure if I want to live the rest of my life with this man whom I adore but who sometimes is a huge burden. Maybe Al-Anon will help me decide what to do. Thanks to all for sharing your stories.
12
Good luck whatever choice you make. Life is so short, isn't it?
2
Every year I spend one month booze-free. This year it was January, and this year was the first year I didn’t much care when the month ended. Like many commenters, I realize how much better life is without it on so many levels - whether it’s sleep quality, motivation, lack of anxiety.
It’s important to define the role that any substance plays in your life, evaluate that and determine whether it is indeed serving you. Increasingly I don’t think alcohol is serving me anything that helps aside from a few hours of fuzzy thinking I didn’t need.
9
I know this will sound petty and churlish but really, it's annoying how preachy recovering alcoholics get. How many columns like this do we have to read? And then how often the recover-ers become scolds for those of us who are not affected by this problem. One recovering alcoholic I knew constantly told me that so-and-so was an alcoholic because he saw him drinking too much at a bar one night or wobbly after a dinner party. It soon became apparent that everyone who had a drink had a problem he/she was denying, per this guy. That said, I feel truly empathetic with the writer's struggle. My heart goes out to her. We all carry a cross of some sort and it's great to read that she's overcoming it.
4
@Joe hmm I only notice one of these articles once every 3 months. I agree with you about your friend though. I do think there are lots of alcoholics in the United States so having an article every 3 months doesn't seem too much to me. Unless you see these articles more often? Also the author wasn't preaching at you, you could have skipped the article. I think you could just be basing your thoughts on this "one recovering alcoholic" and extrapolating to all recovering alcoholics? Just a thought, hope I didn't offend. The two recovering alcoholics I know simply dont drink and never talk about it ever. So the opposite of what you're seeing.
7
@Joe You don't have to read them.
2
I still recall a story I read years ago about a young woman in U.K. who had quit her problem drinking.
She said, "I have found I never regret not drinking the night before."
Wise young lady.
10
"In online quizzes asking how many drinks I typically had per day, I could fairly accurately answer “two” (very generous drinks)."
Hmmm. My doctor told me recently that she multiplies all self-reported drinking estimates by at least two.
That would help to explain the author's "head pounding, stomach roiling" and wanting to smother herself in a pillow the next morning.
5
"Pleasure Unwoven," a film produced and starring it's creator, Dr. Kevin McCauley, will tell you exactly how alcohol and other drugs effect the brain and produce symptoms like bad behavior. It can be seen on YouTube. Dr. McCauley had his own problem with alcohol, and parts of his story enter into this film. Presently he is a senior fellow at The Meadows, one of this country's leading inpatient rehabilitation centers in Wickenburg, AZ.
2
Nancy,
Sincerest heartfelt congratulations and welcome to the proud tribe! Well done. I’m now 3 years alcohol-free, did it without A.A., but with the help of a good therapist and Naltrexone. I truly underestimated the degree to which alcohol controlled me until I stopped drinking. Our culture is so imbued with it, we are so brainwashed to think we cannot enjoy life without a drink in our hands. When I’m asked why I stopped, my answer is a simple “my life is just better without it.” That, spoken truthfully, not smugly or sanctimoniously. Each person has to make their own decision about their alcohol consumption. Some will, some won’t.
5
To those who insist in drinking and driving, a government stastistic to sober you:
Every day, 30 people in the United States die in drunk-driving crashes — that's one person every 50 minutes. These deaths have fallen by a third in the last three decades; however, drunk-driving crashes claim more than 10,000 lives per year.
10
See the homeless lying about on our streets? There's usually a bottle of booze nearby.
Alcohol is addictive. The hangovers? Those are withdrawal symptoms. You make them go away by consuming more alcohol.
Alcohol is a plague. You drink alcohol to get high. There's no nutrition there, it's not a great thirst quencher, and mostly, it doesn't even taste good. Ever notice that cringe-face that people make when they take their first hit of alcohol? Taste-wise Coke and Pepsi kill alcohol, and they have fewer calories.
I can't think of one good thing to say about alcohol. Even pot is more benign than alcohol. Ever hear of a pot smoker going the wrong way up a highway or running down people crossing the street?
4
16 years sober...was drinking 3 1.75s a week...AA worked for me...Quality sobriety
5
Wait a second... you mean all those ads on tv with young people drinking beer and having really fun and exciting lives aren't true? Are you seriously telling me I don't look like those people (even though I'm 68), and that beer doesn't automatically come with bikinis and beaches? This is so disappointing, even more than when I found out that cigarettes didn't make me look better on a horse.
Someone once said "If you stop drinking and smoking you don't live longer... it just feels that way."
6
Don’t forget the Story attributed to Frank Sinatra “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink because the moment they wake up that’s as good as they are going to feel”
2
Everything in moderation, but if that is not possible for you then abstinence is the way to go.
4
The entire point of AA is to treat what the first "A" stands for! Today's meetings are writhe with cross addicted people.. meth and opiates- I stopped attending meetings in 2015 when the drug abuser brandished a gun and stole the donation box.
@Aaron an alcoholic will steal money from his mother's purse and feel so ashamed he can't go home for christmas. a drug addict will steal money from his mother's purse and curse her for not having more.
2
Wow, what a tiny drug abuse story. So small in my mind. Maybe it will help those who also have a tiny drug abuse problem. Try heroin and then get back to me about addiction.
can you imagine a corporation behaving like this? All will be fired by the governing body or the government. I think all GOP senators should be fired by voters. what cultural is cultural fire war? let it burn if we fight for the truth and justice. that happened during civil war or prior to it.
1
"One drink is too may and a thousand never enough."
4
I think we need to start judging alcohol in the realm of social interaction more harshly. We quite literally do next to nothing as adults that doesn’t involve booze.
Book clubs, movies, dinners, campaigns, charities, sports, The Magic Kingdom couldn’t even fend off booze. Can you imagine a drug like cocaine and heroine being supported like alcohol is? “Smack” - the powder keg of the NFL! Come have your next function in Coke Country. We have real straws for your snorting pleasure!” And the horrible effects alcohol has is much worse. From rape to murders to child abuse to drunk driving. Statistically, it causes much more damage than all drugs combined.
I have no answer. Drinking can be fun and social but we have always treated it like an innocent bystander. It’s a drug. It poisons your body. That’s what it literally is. And it’s time we start asking why we judge people harshly for having a problem with it. I’m guessing My body wouldn’t handle antifreeze, paint thinner, cancer, diabetes, tobacco, fentanyl, snake venom all that great either! Yet we encourage the habitual, ceremonial alcohol and whip out the blame thrower when some one has an adverse reaction.
6
Rules I learned from my folks
Alcohol was part of my family heritage
It was consumed at the dinner table with family and friends.
You never drive
3
I wasn't a hard core drinker - couple glasses of wine a few nights a week, the occasional margarita or two. Still, I gave up drinking about 20 years. Hands down, one of the best decisions of my life. The longer I go without alcohol, the more relaxed, attentive, present, healthier, and clearer thinking I am. Initially I missed the flavor and initial buzz of a drink, but there's not a single thing I miss about alcohol now. So grateful. Thanks for this piece.
8
Strangely, I come from the other end of the spectrum. The guy who hasn't drunk anything since he was 18 or 19. I've had depression for quite some time, and I'm tempted to drink once or twice a week to 'life my mood.' Most doctors say it has a negative effect. But some have said it does occasionally (or rarely) work as an anti-depressant. I guess, I don't like the idea of 'pickling my brain in alcohol' although I've heard ketamine has created good results for long time sufferers of depression and anxiety. In 20 to 40 years, medical science will probably solve it through DBS and other things.
2
At 71, I have now been sober for over half my life, even with one relapse - "let's see...I've been successful, beat cancer, and can only eat two oreos now rather than the entire bag...I'll bet I can drink again!!!" It's that insidious. I have followed with interest the evolving comprehension of "alcohol abuse syndrome", but still believe it to be a disease, akin to diabetes. Some of us are just wired differently, and everytime I read or hear a story as shared here, all the similarities pop out, the most common & revealing regarding how that first drink "suddenly made me feel like the person I always thought I was" [my quote]. Any program than can enable someone to quit consumption - and like everyone else with the issue I tried everything possible to "control" it - is fair game in my opinion. All one has to do is not drink and work whatever program you find success with. I wish the writer every success.
115
@YetAnotherPhD
Thank you for this comment. I could have written this myself, being another PhD in NC. You did it more succinctly and with more feeling. Thank you again.
5
@Russell Flinchum Hey Russell Flinchum ! xx
2
Thank you for your honesty and humility in relaying a very personal story about your drinking. As a father of a two year old who drinks maybe 4-5 nights per week, always in control and mainly to "take the edge off," I oten think about whether my life is better with alcohol in it. The jury is still out. That said, I do aspire to drink only on the weekends in 2020, so I am more alert at 6am on school days.
4
@Father of One
forget the weekends , the edge and the jury .
next 18 years you will need more than you can even imagine to raise your child . I've got a friend who never drinks in front of his kids . love 'em so much it means he doesn't drink
Thank you to the author for sharing her journey on the date that marked the 16th year of my sobriety anniversary. Like many other commenters here, I grew up in an alcoholic family and though vowed never to drink myself, nevertheless was completely enchanted with the effects alcohol had on my personality, my career and especially as a mechanism for coping with pain.
Life sober is so much better! I am incredibly grateful my children did not have to grow up with a drunk mother. I've been able to re-enter the professional work force after raising my family and can be counted on as a reliable team member. I am open enough about my own battles that other people who decided they, too, had drinking problems decided to take action.
There are many of us walking this same path. If you think you may have a problem with alcohol, no matter what you choose to label it - at some point, you will get to a place where the pain will outweigh whatever comfort the alcohol provides. When you hurt badly enough, you will seek help - and we will be there for you. With love.
2
The increase in alcohol consumption has increased under this administration. With this realization I will stop this behavior and focus on the future.
5
Is it wrong to occasionally enjoy a fine glass of wine or two?
Life is so hard and awful at times.
Good wine tastes really good, it is something that I see as a treat on occasion.
I feel from these comments that wine is an evil demon, but I’m not sure it has to be.
I agree: it is healthier to avoid alcohol.
As it’s healthier to avoid sugar.
But is once in a while so terrible?
5
For you, perhaps not. For others, it is a problem.
4
I drink every day, mainly wine, and have to say it's the one thing I look forward to. That said, I've learned to counter the effects of alcohol, religiously taking milk thistle and NAC. I limit myself to about 4 glasses, anything beyond that is a day of fuzzyness and tiredness. I have to admit, I drink more now since Trump won. He's done a lot for the booze business. I see alcohol as a necessary and enjoyable indulgence and, yeah, it might kill me eventually, but what won't? At least I'll have enjoyed it.
4
Well. . .good for Nancy. She quit. But I'm so tired of reading and hearing about the god-like heroics of people who abstain from habitual drink, especially the AA lot.
I like my TBI support group where there are only two steps: show up and reach out, and it's perfectly fine to forget all the bad and even some of the good stuff that turned our lives sideways.
Many people find a way to recover and move on from a myriad of life-threatening and altering diseases and injuries; however, some non-drinking alcoholics seem to lord their disease over the rest of us. . .lest we forget the power and glory of their illness.
3
It's hard to quit in the presence of the millions the alcohol industry spends normalizing and romanticizing alcohol. After decades of daily evening drinking, last year I did Annie Grace's "Alcohol Experiment," which provides an online education platform with daily lessons, videos. Free with a donation request at the end, and you will *want* to contribute. Very effective and dare I say, makes it relatively painless. Have also recently discovered "Former Gray Area Drinkers." There is a movement afoot providing space to question the black/white cultural attitudes about alcohol.
3
Your article could not have come at a better time for me. I just went through a "dry January" and now realize how much better I feel both physically and emotionally. I scored 18 on the alcohol abuse quiz so I now have evidence that I have a problem. Thanks for setting me on the road to sobriety.
9
Class of 1972 revisited. Last week I attended a class reunion of shorts. Luncheon with 24 classmates. Thats 24 out of a class of 120 classmates. It was my first time back in my hometown in 48 years. The social math of the occasion was painful. 20 to 30 dead. Their deaths mostly associated with alcohol abuse. Another 20 to 30 couldn't attend. Why? Life style issues associated with alcohol abuse. It, alcohol abuse, was the elephant in the room. In my youth I was a heavy drinker but family and professional obligations pretty much eliminated the drink from my life. Except for my wine phase that kicked in for a few years in my late 50's. Now the aging process and struggling to maintain good health placed booze out of my life style. So many people, good people, lives altered, wasted, or gone, because of alcohol. Sad. Not the happy ending I was searching for.
11
I truly understood alcoholism as a disease after reading Neil Steinberg’s book Drunkard. He’s a columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times and the book is his story of hitting rock bottom - in a very public way - and working towards sobriety. Getting into the mind of what alcoholics think and feel and do every day has helped me understand them and have compassion. Highly recommended.
6
Great article. Congrats to Ms. Wartik for facing up to the challenges and facing down the temptations, and thanks for sharing the story with the rest of us.
7
Sober for 18 years. When I meet newly sober people (anyone with less than three years), I'm always fascinated by how close to the edge to they are -- even those who have committed everything to sobriety. You can see it in their eyes; the uncertainty in the face of confidence. On their knees crawling around in the dark. The reliance on relationships with other who are just as close to the edge. Transferring addictions. Unrealistic expectations. Denial. Failure to account for the damage done to oneself and others.
I am not judging. I always see myself when I see these behaviors in the newly sober. Maybe you're one of the few who can and should move cleanly into the future. I've met about five people out of five hundred who actually deserve to do that. I'm not a fan of AA, but they're right about more stuff than they're wrong. To put a finer point my belief -- AA is full of many unreported predators who are waiting for weak victims to exploit, especially women (I expect tons of hate from AA loyalists because of this belief).
I wish you luck. Be appropriately rigorous in your recovery. Be harsh with your self when necessary. Be kind to yourself, always. The two can coexist. Be well.
9
@MAA Actually, the idea of getting a sponsor of the same sex is meant to protect you from predators. So are women's meetings. I believe you'll be safer from predators in AA than you will in a bar, an office or even a church. Romantic relationships do sometimes form, but surprisingly few. Our group conscience keeps an eye out for anyone who wants to "13th Step" someone.
3
Thanks so much for this. I have been sober for 18 years and so much of your story matches my own, especially the ability of alcohol to allow me to interact easily in society. AA was the clear path for me and in all the hundreds of meetings I've attended since, the very simple truths and shared experiences have allowed me to find spiritual peace and acceptance. One note, while I do appreciate all the statistics and definitions and scientific explanations, for me it has always been this simple: my personality changes dramatically when under the influence of alcohol, in exactly the same way as yours does. Quantity is irrelevant. Normal drinkers do not obsess about their consumption in the way that I did, nor make bargains with themselves that they'll only drink every other day, or only on weekdays, etc. I do hope that your own resolve will see you through, but I heartily endorse AA. In the beginning I went to meetings so that I would have the support to not drink, at some point I was getting so much out of the meetings emotionally and spiritually that they became a cherished part of my week. I wish you all the best.
8
I stopped drinking alcohol 37 months ago. I couldn't, and still can't, call myself an alcoholic. but the devastation of consuming alcohol was clear, in retrospect. I blacked out countless times, said and did things I could not recall and hurt people along the way. I refused to call myself an alcoholic. I was in denial. how could I? a highly educated woman at Harvard, doing research about children's educational outcomes, admit she was an alcoholic? I couldn't then and can't now. what I do know, is that after three years of no alcohol, my life is better. no more regrets. no more waking up in a panic trying to recall what I did or said the previous night. no more hurting those I love. I don't know about labels or the science, what I do know, is that the label of being an alcoholic becomes irrelevant when you simply reflect on your actions. I know addiction is a disease, but I also believe that for some people like me, it was a choice and willpower to stop that has brightened up my life immeasurably.
9
So many things are unknown about addiction. To be sure, "addiction" is not a monolithic entity. And, although people in AA don't like to hear this, there are people whose drinking pattern fits the diagnostic criteria of the DSM and then - who knows why? - it goes away. Spontaneous remission/Natural Recovery. Genetic? Acquired? Behavioral? We are getting better at identifying some mechanisms in the brain and in human genetics. But, yes, one thing we are definitely clear on is that woman metabolize ethanol more slowly then men. This is largely because of a gender specific difference in the presence of a gastric enzyme. We have known this for years, yet we don't teach our daughters about it. I should think if people were more aware of how little we actually know about addiction, we would devote more resources to prevention and prevention research.
6
Firstly, congratulations Ms. Wartik on being successfully in recovery from alcohol use and her bravery writing about her struggles - Good for you!
Also, as her experience shows, there is no one magic way to achieve and maintain abstinence. Ms. Wartik was able to get her troubled relationship with alcohol under control without attending peer recovery meetings or employing the service of a mental health professionals. She also had a number of allies who supported her, and ended up not going to AA.
For those who are looking for a secular alternative to AA, check out SMART Recovery's free, volunteer-hosted peer recovery support meetings at smartrecovery.org, or, for New York City, smartrecoverynyc.org. Those meetings are for anyone with any kind of addictive behaviors. And, as my therapist said to me years ago: go to a meeting, if you don't like them, you can always leave. And that is also true for 12 step meetings - check those out, too. Whatever works for you, works.
5
@Pete in Downtown
Thanks for mentioning SMART- people say there are lots of alternatives to AA but they don't say what.
3
LifeRing recovery is also a great option - www.lifering.org.
1
Smart Recovery works for some, and there is an online community called Oneyearnobeer that offers support, emphasis on not what is given up but what one gains. The FB page is full of before and after pics, very inspiring.
3
I'm uncertain if this author can read statistics or graphs but her assertion that Canadians are heavier drinkers than Americans is not born out by the very study she linked to..9.8 liters per capita in the US as opposed to 8.9 liters in Canada..I prefer my articles be accurate...
4
I had similar experience with alcohol. I didn't like the person I became when I drank: argumentative, physically uncoordinated and fuzzy headed in the morning. I'm considered socially selective and am uncomfortable with people I don't know very well, and alcohol reduced my inhibitions and made cocktail parties tolerable to me. I quit in toto and stayed away from it for 15 years, about the same time that I returned to Cannabis after a 25 year lapse. Today, I am retired and do not have to be a hyper productive worker. I allow myself a glass or two of red wine with dinner on most nights, or a cocktail when I eat at trendy restaurants. don't drink during the day, and enjoy weed while cleaning my apartment, folding laundry and other housework, or before spending time at the condo pool or fitness center.
6
I haven’t read any comments on effects of alcohol on weight. A glass of wine or beer is 100+ calories each. That adds up. And that extra weight can raise risk of all sorts of diseases, from cancer to diabetes.
10
Also see the work of Maia Szalavitz. Although her focus is drugs, she has a lot to say about addiction that resonates with Drinking, A Love Story and this article.
1
It's my impression after reading this that the writer didn't have so much a drinking problem as a problem with self-restraint---in the 'knowing when to keep my mouth shut' department.
Sure, she can blame the alcohol for her the mostly verbal faux pas she inflicted on friends and colleagues. But was it the alcohol, or was it a person who would commit the same faux pas in any situation where things are relaxed and informal? I suspect she'll probably put her foot in it during a day at the spa. Or is she going to give up relaxing things too?
Just my five cents.
4
My old friend, from childhood, proudly boasts he doesn’t have a drinking problem. But over the years, his drinking has increased, and he has become bitter and argumentative, and often hurtful, bringing up resentments from long ago. He forgets by morning angry conversations we had the night before. I spend less and less time with him, and have to brace myself before seeing him.
He may not have a drinking problem—his friends and family have it for him.
20
It sounds like the author was fortunate that drinking gave her a hangover. I wonder what would have happened if it did not. As others have noted, many of us can drink far more and feel fine in the morning - even in our 50s.
Nevertheless, heavy and frequent drinking is a real health issue with real consequences and needs to be addressed in the United States and abroad.
7
I wouldn’t call it “fortunate” that she experienced hangovers. I would call it fortunate that she was able to recognize the negative consequences (physically, mentally, emotionally, socially) that her drinking had. And chose to change that.
It isn’t a contest, that those who are able to drink more without a hangover are somehow “more alcoholic” than the writer is. As stated in the article, alcohol use disorder is a spectrum. If anyone on that spectrum can turn it around, and make better choices, we should applaud them.
5
@CN at one point, the author drank two standard drinks every day and, it seems, sometimes way too much. This is rather more or much than less or little bit.
I never had physical hangovers until recent times. I’m 56. However, I’ve had psychological hangovers since I started drinking at 16, waking up the next day and hating myself for what I said, how stupid I must have sounded, what I did. I would replay that tape over and just cringe. Finally by mid-to-late day it would fade...and then it would be “cocktail time” again. I wish it wouldn’t have taken this long to or the physical part (headaches and fogginess to set in after 2 drinks), for me to make a change. I’ve not gone cold turkey (I like bubbles with caviar too much for special occasions), but I sure love waking up and not having regret, and with each morning of that, I just want more mornings like that ;)
When I visited my Italian grandmother for meals, she always served wine. Maybe a little water for the kids, but anyone taller than her five feet could have a glass of wine. It was comme il faut.
My parents had a bottle of booze in the cabinet in case anyone wanted a drink, but our working class family didn't spend money on alcohol.
As a result, I had a working relationship with alcohol. I rarely got drunk as a teen, in college or as an adult. And then, only on festive occasions.
Some people have an addictive personality. Some don't. I wonder how much culture has to do with it.
10
I had a similar experience in childhood, as did my two sisters.
Both sisters are now-sober alcoholics. I would put myself on the alcohol use disorder spectrum, but pretty mild. I had other addictions that were far more appealing.
Your anecdote in no way supports that somehow, magically, if we only exposed children to moderation of drinking from an early age, we’d somehow prevent alcoholism. That just isn’t true.
8
I thought of you as I sat in an AA meeting yesterday morning as listened to the speaker tell her remarkable story. A story I wouldn't have heard unless I attended that meeting. The stories we hear in AA are remarkable true tales of despair, destruction, miracles, redemption and the blessings of an ordinary life restored once a person becomes sober. Stories touch us and heal us. As a writer I would think you would know that.
10
OK, stories touch and heal. They do that *for you*. You seem to be saying that the author, because she’s a writer, somehow owes it to you, or to your program, or to writing, to experience her recovery in the same way you do, and that she’s “doing it wrong” if she doesn’t. Maybe you should both just continue doing what works for your individual personalities and styles, and may you have continued success on your path.
2
@Bratschegirl All I am saying is that I can see that writers may especially benefit from AA. They would be most attuned to the power of the stories heard only in the rooms.
3
Let’s not forget all the laughter!
2
I read most the comments here and agree with the varying perspectives. Readers are quick to get defensive when they hear sanctimonious preaching and monolithic hysteria. We have one life to live and it is up to every individual to chose how they spend it.
Personally, the difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic, is that the alcoholic pines for the sweet nectar, while the non-alcoholic wastes no mental energy on when or how much their next drink will be. While it is certainly not the only path, there is wisdom in the decision to cut out alcohol completely, as it affords a freedom from the unceasing energy it takes to battle the tyranny of a substance that dominates the psyche. It boils down to the amount of time and energy one wants to commit to maintaining balance. In some cases moderation might be insurmountable and in others a simple exercise in self discipline. In the end, “balance” must be measured in years not days or months.
My take away from this article is the concept that self realization and the consequences of personal addiction are in constant flux with the aging process. Consistently ask yourself the hard questions and then put in the work (or don’t).
11
I don’t know if you can distinguish “alcoholic vs non-alcoholic” in such binary terms. As stated in the article, alcohol use disorder is a spectrum. Therefore how it manifests is different for each person affected.
2
I agree with you and dislike binary terms. In this case I used the word “pine”....obsession or addiction is inherently a spectrum disorder but I would argue that someone who is not an alcoholic would not obsess or “pine” over their next drink....
If you have ever questioned whether or not you have a problem, you do. It's your problem, how you define it. On paper I was not a big drinker, I drank maybe twice a week, socially, with friends. But it was enough at times to make me black out, feel incredibly hungover and have massive anxiety. My weekends were absolutely centered around partying and managing my hangover. There was no exercising on a Saturday morning because I knew I would likely wake up with a headache. When I stopped drinking, almost two years ago, it became crystal clear to me the importance I placed on alcohol. It cured my boredom, social anxiety, wacky family issues I had to deal with, it was the Friday afternoon activity. Thinking about it, buying it, worrying about it, what I said the night before, how to just get over the hangover, took up massive amounts of my time. It's an incredibly hard habit to break, and one that everyday I feel incredibly grateful I did. So worth it.
24
It’s amazing to think back on how much mental, physical and emotional energy I spent trying to manage my drinking - no more than two drinks, no drinking on weeknights, no more than one per hour, save straws so I could keep count, a glass of water between every drink, smaller pours into the wine glass, etc. I tried everything except quitting. Until I woke up for the 100th time and thought, oh my god, I did it again. I drank so much I blacked out. It was then that I figured I needed help and went to an AA meeting. I spent a few months listening to stories and sharing a few of mine. Finally, one day I could say without shame that I was an alcoholic. That set me free to lead a fulfilling and sober life, free of the compulsion to drink. As another commenter said, if you spend time wondering whether you have a problem, odds are you do. I have a friend of many years. I was always amazed that as I poured that last few sips of some amazing wine, I’d offer him some and he’d look at his glass, still half full from the very first pour, and say “no I am good.” For him, drinking five drinks in the evening would be like me accidentally eating a bucket of spinach. Isn’t going to happen. He is not an alcoholic. I am.
2
But drinking twice a week so much that you have severe hangovers and even black outs is clearly a lot.
2
At one point in my life I was drinking a lot of red wine. Luckily, I was able to give it up when I developed acid reflux and gained weight. I totally understand how it is so very difficult for some people to do this .
When I gave it up, the awful acid reflux stopped (which was sometimes in the middle of the night), I lost 30 pounds (I am now at my high school weight which is perfect) my cholesterol went way down and so did my blood pressure.
I still drink at parties----and at times a bit too much---but these are not very often. ( I never drive if I do) I have noticed though, that as my inhibitions go down, so does my ability to follow myself within my own conversation. That's when dancing comes in handy.
Growing up, my Dad's family drank a lot and would fight, sometimes physically. My grandma had a still in their tenement apartment bathtub during prohibition, ( as a kid, my Dad's job would be to peek out at any noise in the hallway that could be G men) so it's obviously in my blood.
We are never going to get rid of alcohol, but we can support those who want to rid their own lives of it. We should be cognizant of any friend, acquaintance, or family member who wants to do this and act accordingly. Of course knowing what's "accordingly" is as hard as defining what a serious drinking disorder is.
We are humans and self-medication is a human trait. But so is making decisions and sticking with them. I honor anyone who can improve their lives doing this, or at least tries.
9
I don‘t think totally abstaining is the best solution possible. But if it is not possible to drink not much, not too often and not to cause trouble while under the influence, then one should quit it altogether.
1
@Someone Why is drinking moderately preferable to abstaining?
2
I was able to quit smoking. It took me six years but I did it (after twenty years of smoking). Is quitting drinking harder or easier than quitting smoking?
1
I think there isn’t a one size fits all answer to that question. Every one is different. For me quitting smoking was much harder. Alcohol was “in my face” - a no brainer - smoking was more subtle and pervasive. But that’s me. I will say that what sometimes hurts my heart is seeing long-time members of AA smoking. It is the smoking that will kill them in spite of their letting go of alcohol. Things have gotten better in AA in the 38 years that I have been a member. The vast majority of meetings are non-smoking. But there is more than can & should be done to give people who have fought to become sober the best life that they can have.
2
In my experience alcohol is much easier to give up.
2
Of the 16 years as a smoker, I spent 7 trying to quit. It was the hardest thing I ever did.
As for alcohol, I was a social drinker (drinking heavily on weekends), and I quit totally while in college -yes, I was the weird one. I found quitting drinking a lot easier. I did it by looking at everything that was positive about it: better sleep, losing weight, no hangovers, saving money... Most importantly, I felt strong. I watched others drink and loose control, become boisterous, aggressive, stupid. I woke up early on weekends to go jogging watching others come from their party nights with green skin and sunken eyes, and rejoiced in my chosen wellbeing. Further, I even enjoyed my socializing better as I realized I could engage and have meaningful and fun conversations just the same -it only took a little longer to do so, as if all alcohol did was to speed up my un inhibiting. Alas, I slowly started drinking again years later and today I struggle with a moderate drinking problem of a different order: I like my glass of wine at dinner that often turns into two or three. I often think of going back to sober. I know I can do it but I don’t. Why? For me, knowing I can do something is worse than not knowing it, because I don’t have the need to prove myself. And I keep drinking. However, I know that one of these days I will be my own captain again and do it for good.
Note: I will never, ever again will smoke one single puff.
1
Thanks! Although I'm a man I see myself in your story. I haven't had a beer in 50 days and I like the way it feels when I get out of bed clear headed and ready to go. Good job Nancy!!!
18
Drink if you want but please don't drive after drinking. 10,000 people were killed in the US in alcohol related deaths last year.
5
Admitting to being depressed or having depression or being diagnosed as clinically depressed still garners little genuine public sympathy. The general feeling is that the depressed are just lazy and unwilling to take responsibility for their own actions. Hiding ones depression and self-medicating to mask depression are too often far less ignominious then admission of the disease or worse taking pharmaceuticals.
Depression is like cancer in that it can strike anyone and at any age. It is as dreaded a disease that effects millions.
One can proudly proclaim on social media to be an alcoholic, drug addicted or a sex addict as those are addictions based in celebrity-like coolness and many times the byproduct of some success in life. When you open up people will congratulate your courage.
Nice to hear that this person is now enjoying her life.
3
Recognizing that I am an alcoholic was the best thing that ever happened to me. 9 years sober this week thanks to AA.
20
Calling this a serious drinking problem belittles the struggle of people truly addicted. The people who lose everything: health, family, jobs, wealth. Being able to quit in the way stated means you have a drinking problem. Not being able to quit means you have a serious drinking problem. Save the violin for those who deal with rehab and hospitals and homelessness.
2
@Jamie Elvidge I'm a blackout drinker who lost everything -- rehab, hospitals, homelessness. While I truly understand your viewpoint, it's our job to welcome everybody. Country club drunks are at no less risk than blackout drinkers. And, yes, they're stories appear whiny and self indulgent (sorry Nancy and most of those commenting here, but it's true). Perhaps she caught herself early. Let's not compare. Let's welcome.
3
Wow.
Not sure if I havea serious drinking problem, but as Trump remains in office, I plan to develop one.
28
the author references a few 'are you an alcoholic' quizzes.
i've developed an extremely accurate short quiz
Do you take quizzes to determine if you have an alcohol problem? if so, do you take them over hoping for a better result?
answering yes to one or both of these means that you have an issue with alcohol
17
@Steve kohl
I don't think you even need the second question. As I read this article the notion of taking an online quiz to see if I had a drinking problem struck me forcefully, since it would never even occur to me to take such a quiz.
I don't drink much mainly because I'm just one of those people who doesn't really care for alcohol. I have a very occasional glass of wine at a nice restaurant. I like wine okay, but the cheap stuff doesn't seem worth either the money or the calories.
That said, I am not trying to sound high and mighty. This realization gave me some sudden insights into other things I do that definitely ARE problems ... as judged by my taking online quizzes about them!!
Namely food. I'm not even overweight, though I have a tendency to put on and then take off and then put on again five or ten pounds. But I do spend quite a bit of time planning what to eat or not eat and constantly worrying about what I eat and/or whether I'll gain weight, experiencing shame and guilt about food, eating too much and vowing to do better, starting a new diet and getting depressed when I fall off the wagon ... etc.
Basically, I think if you'd take an online quiz about any particular topic, it's seems a very safe indicator it's something you have some kind of issue with.
What Does It Mean to Have a Serious Drinking Problem? Let me answer without even reading the article. What it means is destruction of the drinker's life and havoc for anyone who loves that person. Period.
5
Not necessarily. Drinking can and does ruin people’s health: hypertension, cholesterol, obesity, fatty liver, stomach cancer, etc. To infer that a drinking problem is is such only when it affects one’s and other’s life dramatically is ignore the path that leads to it -eliminating the possibility to stop it before it actually kills you and or others.
2
@Doña Urraca de Castilla
I have no idea what you mean.
By the time anyone has a serious drinking problem they've become a hazard to their own life and a hazard to everyone around them.
1
This is the disease that tells you that you don't have a disease. I do believe there is a continuum for alcoholics. We have varying dispositions, mental health and brain chemistries. We have differing relationships with honesty and self reflection, rationalization and denial. If your drinking interferes with your life, if your personality changes when you drink, if you are scheduling your life around drinking, if you are protecting supplies, and you start lying about drinking or become uncomfortable about it, it's time to reevaluate. I have lived 25 years without drinking and I still party, enjoy my life utterly. I do regret any of it. Get real with yourself. that's all you can do.
5
Seeking help from friends and family. Facing those you've offended or hurt Sharing stories of recovery.
That's AA. Just go.
6
AA is a patriarchal and quasi-religious organization. It may work for some but not for those with more self-relying personalities.
3
@Kyron Huigens
Long ago a former boyfriend got in touch and asked to take me to dinner. He had been a charismatic man and ugly, nasty drinker and that had ended the earlier relationship.
But, foolish me, lured by a fascination with his juicy qualities, I agreed. I soon learned he had asked me so he could apologize as an AA member for his emotional abuses.
While I think AA sounds like a terrific support, I kicked myself for being used twice by this man's self-aggrandizing behavior.
I essentially got used twice for his own self-entitled purposes.
BUT I know it was my foolishness that prompted me to see him again. Only I am to blame. Mea culpa.
Your comment implies that people who don’t go to AA are “better” than people who do (more self-relying). That’s just a tad arrogant, don’t you think?
1
Used to drink a lot
Worked to midnight then went to bars where patrons went at that time sober
Now retired, drink one beer a day at noon
Watched two OTA TV shows late last night where they were Day Drinking as comedy
Not funny
1
Some people are better at drinking than others. The ones who can't msnage it, or misbehave when drinking, maybe tbey should give it up. This us, I think, the second article, of this nature, published recently. My question is, why do people who give up drinking feel the need to share their experience---like if they did it and feel better, we will, too? Im going to submit an essay about how Ive been a moderate drinker my whole very long life. I will describe how much I enjoy it, that I rarely say stupid things, that I dont get head aches and that I love the warm
relaxed feeling it gives me after a long day.
Each to their own.
4
@della They share this because the notion that “moderately” drinking poison is preferable to not drinking it at all is the dominant message we receive. Your perspective is one I am exposed to constantly—especially when someone finds out I don’t drink. If you don’t want to hear another perspective, it is incredibly easy to avoid. Ask yourself why it’s important for you to come here and defend your drinking, but you don’t want there to be *two* articles about another choice.
The fact that people get addicted to an addictive substance is considered *their* problem when a museum or a movie is treated as incomplete without alcohol, when meeting for a drink is a social default . . . well, that seems rather skewed.
1
Staying stopped is way easier with the support of AA
3
Beg to differ. AA is a huge turnoff for a lot of people. It’s not the only way to get sober and statistics show that it is no more effective than any other method.
People just need to find what works for them, and it doesn't need to involve prayers and hackneyed sayings.
13
Your statement is simply not true. I don’t know the source of your “statistics”, but AA has consistently helped alcoholics quit for good. There are all kinds of AA meetings - they run the gamut. There are no rules other than “don’t drink and show up”. AA meetings are held in every country around the world - and they work. If you don’t care for one meeting, find another. AA’s resources are there for every single person struggling with alcohol. For close to 90 years, AA has helped millions. I am one of them - I went to my first AA meeting in September 1986 and wondered how I would get through one day. I have been clean and sober for almost 33 years. And I never forget that I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. I have not been to an AA meeting in years but I know where to go if I need them. AA meetings are open, no one judges you, the help is there if you want it. A famous writer once wrote that if the world was run like an AA meeting, it would be a better place.
7
@MBJ
Just look up success rates for AA compared to other methods. There's statistics available for you to look at if you would actually do it.
I know AA likes to think of itself as the gold standard, but that is simply not true. And for some people, like me, AA was counter-productive in a big way.
3
Well first, you- and others who are wrestling with their drinking- might consider that it's not the number of "right answers" you get on these alcoholism tests, it's the fact that you take them. Let that sink in. People who don't have a problem quitting alcohol, never take those tests. Once you took your first one - even though you "passed" - it was simply a matter of time before you came to understand your addiction. And there it is, the "A-word" - alcoholic, addict - they're one and the same. And the sooner you accept this, the sooner you'll be on a solid path to recovery.
But many like yourself fear accepting their condition, and fear seeking the help that's available. You said:
"I didn’t join A.A., though I don’t rule it out. I sought support from my husband, daughter and friends...I devoured others’ stories, watching movies about alcoholics, reading memoirs, lurking in sub-Reddits for people struggling to quit."
The support you sought and still seek is available to you. While AA is the most widely known, there are other groups. I myself just celebrated 28 years sober and still go to meetings because I get support that I get nowhere else, and the key is I get it without judgement. Also, get the book Alcoholics Anonymous even if you decide the meetings aren't for you. In there you'll find things like: We are like men who have lost their legs, we never grow new ones". Good luck.
4
@Kingfish52 There's just one of the issues I have with AA.... "We are like MEN."
2
@dandnat Note that was written circa 1938, a far different era, but if you look for differences instead of similarities, you're missing the message. Despite the antiquated phrasing millions of women have been helped by AA. Alcoholism is a genetic-based, not gender-based, disease.
@Kingfish52 Hi. I know that alcoholism is a genetic-based disease. It can also be a mixture of nature/nurture. I am a female. Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics; my father and one of his sisters were alcoholics; one of his sisters married an alcoholic; my mother's brother was an alcoholic; one of her sisters married an alcoholic. I have many cousins, female and male, who are alcoholics. (I know the following is silly, given the serious nature of alcohol dependence but I sound like Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny and all her family members who were mechanics.) I have read parts of the Big Book. I know that it was written circa 1938 and by a group of white men. I tried AA and it didn't work for me. Neither did MAT, nor SMART, nor Refuge Recovery, nor inpatient rehab. What worked for me was throwing up lots of blood and blood clots and having bloody diarrhea at the same time and winding up in an ICU. To each her/his own and I hope everyone struggling with this finds a way to sobriety.
Bravo. There is no substitute for a positive sense of well being and peace of mind.
Conversely, there is nothing worse than everything you described—“morning after regrets” (large or small), physically askew, brain drain.
I cannot tolerate being in a room full of alcohol affected people— I want to say, “Get away from me”.
Bravo.
1
I don’t drink. I’m not high & mighty. Alcohol just isn’t a part of my life. Therefore, I know I don’t have much skin in this game. However, I think it would help if all this “mommy culture” didn’t give a subtle wink & nod to “wine time”. I’m tired of seeing the all the sweatshirts, memes & cups glamorizing alcoholism. “Yoga & merlot” & “mommy’s sippy cup” shouldn’t be a thing. It just shouldn’t...
25
Alcohol (abuse) is a symptom.
4
The description of these drinking experiences indicates a very serious problem, not "moderate". I am glad she was able to quit. Alcohol causes some of the most varied and horrible ways to die.
3
"But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly any exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience." I did not want to believe this, but it is true: self-knowledge availed us nothing, except maybe that we have a problem. But what we do about that problem is based on getting rid of self. Not our individuality and unique qualities we bring to the world, but the self that keeps us imprisoned in our preoccupation with "our little plans and designs."
1
Well, self knowledge availed me everything. Self knowledge led me to understand that I had a problem, and it showed me how to stop drinking. Self knowledge gave me back my self esteem and it has allowed me to stay sober for over three decades.
I'm glad AA helped you but I find a lot of the AA "program" to be counter-productive.
2
A patient once told me regarding drinking:
At first it is fun.
Then it is fun with consequences.
Then it is just consequences.
13
I am a family doctor who sees a lot of people with alcohol use disorder, which is far more pervasive than opioid use. I recommend a downloadable booklet called “Rethinking Drinking” produced by the NIAAA, a federal government agency. It is a thought-provoking way to walk through a questionnaire on one’s drinking habits. Here is the link . https://www.rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/
4
Some of the most unkind and hurtful people I ever met were teetotallers. Yikes.... And some of the funniest and easygoing were drinking far too much.
4
@Piret
And it's the booze that makes them funny and outgoing.
1
Try some Maui-wowie.
Thank you
Extremely informative
I’m happy the writer has begun to figured it out but get over your obsession with your “moderate” amount of drinking. First, if a bartender kicks you out of the bar because you can’t stay on your stool, that is not moderate drinking. Second, you don’t have to be pickled all day for alcohol use to be problematic. Third, if you are offensive and mean to people you might just be a jerk.
3
thank you and the many others here, in the comment section, for sharing your story! your truth may just help someone else see a way to make that change in their life. one day at a time, we each can offer our stories that life can be lived to its fullest without the drink or drug.
5
While I applaud the author for taking steps to feel better, what she has described, at 2 drinks a day, is NOT “a serious drinking problem” and does an incredible disservice to those of us who struggle beyond the “medium problematic” range. Shame on her for the reckless clickbait.
She also undercuts the medical advancements of legitimizing the disease of addiction and removing the stigma by suggesting that a moderate drinker who sometimes says clumsy things while drinking, needs to get sober. If anyone who ever said something embarrassing or foolish while having a drink thought they should get sober, there’d be no alcohol in the world.
Maybe the author did need to get sober to relieve her shame and empower her path of self righteousness (which she acknowledged was a delightful side effect of abstinence), but sobriety is a necessary and lifesaving solution for people with life-threatening addictions, not successful professionals who have two drinks a day and say dumb things every once in awhile. People with loose lips betray trust with or without alcohol.
We need to stop making sobriety so casual and respect that it is a lifelong battle that many people with real addictions—not a glass of wine while cooking dinner—would give their right eye to achieve.
1
@Ashton It’s not about how much you drink, it’s about how you feel and act when you drink. If the author had consequences after 2 drinks, that’s a problem. This is not a competition.
9
This essay could of been written by me... it explains exactly how I have been feeling about my relationship with alcohol. After reading it and all the comments I am ready to make some changes.
8
Does anyone want to hear from the families that have been destroyed by alcoholism (or a syndrome or whatever you choose to call it)? I very much appreciate your willingness to cure yourself and save your relationships. But the old saying that you can only save yourself when you've hit bottom is fine if you still have enough left to bounce back. Many many people, I suspect, hit bottom and die. Literally. I divorced my spouse of 23 years because I was tired of the verbal abuse ( the most egregious - to me - the accusation that the drinking was the result of my stupidity). My ex died, a few years later, because one of the many falls was fatal. My children were deprived of a parent, I of a spouse, and of course there was no question of child support because guess who was drinking it? It was long enough ago for me to forgive and even to remember some of the good times we had early on. I also still blame myself (partially) for whatever it was that happened. I believe that that is a syndrome, too, not enjoyed but common to people who have been chronically abused. I have not joined the temperance gang; I enjoy a glass of wine or a drink but I don't need it. I recognize that there are people who do. But please please remember the families and the children; and how much better it can be if you accept help early-on.
6
My sober life has now been twice as long as my drinking life. (FWIW, I signed up for Medicare this year.) I experienced all the bad days (and nights!) described by the author in her great piece. My one criticism: Why do we have such an obsession with attaching a label to the behavior? (Is that a uniquely American thing?)
People waste an incredible amount of time trying to figure out whether or not they are this thing called an “alcoholic.” I was highly adept at gaming all of those tests the author mentions. (Q: Do you ever drink alone. A: Well, I’m sitting on a stool getting hammered in the Beacon Hill Pub — infamous Boston watering hole — and there are at least 50 people, all strangers, here, so... No.) I also know that I was letting down a lot of people I cared about. But I never got anywhere until I thought about where I stood in relation to the dreams I had for my life as a younger man. Then I thought about the gap between those dreams and where things stood as I sat on that stool. Then I asked, “As a force in my life, is alcohol moving me toward those dreams or away from them?” I did not need to know that I was alcoholic to know the answer.
Today, people ask me if I am an alcoholic. My answer: I’m not sure what that means but I suspect that I would qualify by any definition you would choose. I do know that I’m a guy whose life works a lot better when he doesn’t consume alcohol. That works for me. (To say nothing of the people I care about!)
Maineman
6
I have been struggling with the question of whether or not I am an alcoholic for a long time. I drink daily. Usually three. 1 beer with dinner, two ryes on the couch with my wife.
Last night, two thirds of a bottle of wine with dinner, two ryes with dessert and then a beer and a half after an argument with my wife. Years ago, I considered myself a “binge drinker”. Most days I wouldn’t drink but when I did, hold onto your hat! Before that I was a professional bartender. It was part of the job and I liked it l. As did my co-workers and most importantly, my customers.
I don’t know if I am an alcoholic. I think I can go without it. But what I do crave, what has always been so elusive, is happiness. I have tried devoting myself to work and I became a workaholic (worse than alcohol). I tried having lots of sex and I became addicted. Not sure if I regret that too much but I am now married which changes that dynamic. I live in Denver so I could be a stoner but there are “randoms” at the workplace so I don’t partake. I try to lift weights but they are too heavy. So by process of elimination, I am stuck with alcohol. If anyone knows what will make me happy that is not bad for you, please, clue me in.
5
@Michael Anthony
You ask: "If anyone knows what will make me happy that is not bad for you, please, clue me in."
Find yourself a meditation group. There you can, if you stick with it, find a peace that is real happiness.
Other things:
Good friends
Walks in nature
Gratitude
Kayaking
Hiking
Watercoloring...
And hundreds more.
6
@Michael Anthony do something that makes you feel proud of yourself, that will make you happy, alcohol, drugs, sex will not but an accomplishment will be lasting, even if that means being the best father you can be.
2
@HotGumption
Those are things that make YOU happy.
So many of these first-person pieces seem to be the author trying to convince themselves that they are not an alcoholic. Heavy drinker, dependent on alcohol, whatever. For this alcoholic, my first steps towards recovery began with admitting what I was. That in itself offered the honesty I needed to face my dependence on that ancient elixir. In not naming the disease of alcoholism, in my humble opinion, we stigmatize it even more. Fourteen years of sobriety I celebrated last weekend. I’m Barbara, and I’m an alcoholic.
1
A bit of advice from Snoop Dog. "Don't let the drug do you, you do the drug."
Made sense to me when I heard it, and made me realize I was "being done." The drug was in control. I was serving it, not the other way around. The tasty pre or post dinner drinks, were just the starting point and likely not a finish line. I was being done.
4
I've been continuously clean and sober for 28yrs, a little over half my life. I still don't think of myself as someone who quit, just not drinking today. Focusing on not drinking today is pretty manageable. I don't believe AA has cornered the market on recovery but it works for me. I also don't believe that recovery looks the same for everyone or that treatment is one size fits all. For anyone struggling, I hope you find whatever you need to be move forward.
11
A saying that I keep in mind when I consider my own relationship with alcohol: If I could in moderation, I'd drink all the time.
That sums it up for me and why I have to be careful. I am glad the author mentioned the Stop Drinking group on Reddit. It is a lifesaver!
3
Those evaluation "tests" are of no use to those with drinking problems, or any other intake issues. If you score high, you can just ease back and settle down into the the medium, not so bad level. Voila! No longer a problem. Look at me taking control!
Score medium, and like the author states, it doesn't feel so bad. I'm medium...like a nice steak. I got this.
I never relied on such tests, or the metrics of the Shrinks. I full well knew when I was reaching problematic, and when I happily slide down the other side and stayed there for a few years, turned into 2 decades. I knew the whole time. I could feel the changes in my body. I'm the "fitness guy". I was slowing down, holding onto fat that was not normal for me. I could feel the changes in my brain. I'm the guy with at least three books in the process of being read. Fiction, non, and technical. I was slower in finishing them. Rereading passages, read while buzzed. Retaining less. Caring less.
I was lying to everyone about my whereabouts, or my social calendar. I preferred drinking at home to avoid the potential of an accident or a pull-over. So I cut people off. I was obsessing over discovering new labels, trying all the craft, artisinal brewers and distillers. If a bar didn't have X label, I would drag a whole group of revelers off to a better place.
But I was always aware of what I was doing. That little "shoulder fairy" was always there, waiting...knowing.
I knew there was an end point, of my choosing. I did.
3
Honestly, it's not alcohol it's our society that creates a world where many of us need something, be it alcohol, self-righteousness, marijuana, extreme-control ... I am suffering from hormonal imbalance from menopause, I am working through, diet, exercise and now as a last resort, drugs, but I will tell you if it weren't for my frequent glasses of wine I would lose my mind completely. The stress, the horror of age, to drink or not to drink, most people I know who have gone AA find some other strange toxic obsession.
1
Alcohol is an effective solvent. It will (temporarily) dissolve one’s anxiety and stress. But it is not medicine. Eventually it has the power to dissolve one’s health, relationships, career, and eventually one’s self-esteem. I know this experientially. For me it was helpful to meditate (at length and repeatedly) upon the questions: “why do I drink? What am I looking for? What else can one do to know oneself and be healthy? It’s a matter of enlightened self interest. It took me 50 years and initially wasn’t entirely my own choice. We have our dark shadows but there are also golden shadows mixed throughout. My advice: Don’t beat yourself up. Start the journey. It gets better.
7
Congratulations on letting go of alcohol. This is an excellent article for all of us to read. If you drink, please do so in moderation - one or two drinks a day max. Better yet follow the example of the writer and quit altogether, your liver will thank you for it. If you don't drink don't start, you won't miss what you never had. Drinking is a habit, once you stop the craving eventually goes away (for most people anyway).
7
Let's hear from folks with more than 1 or 2 years of sobriety. I have 38 years of continuous sobriety and know I wouldn't have made it without the ongoing support and community of AA. Sometimes I think I could drink again but why chance it, when I have a life beyond my wildest dreams? All that's required for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Many of the people who've written in have family support and haven't yet lost jobs or relationships. Ask them again in 5 years how their lives are going.
4
Alcohol is the number one killer of not only Americans but many other countries, Russia comes to mind. Liver disease and proven brain damage then add the number of assaults and murdering of thousands of people each year because of alcohol induced craziness. The numbers are overwhelmingly against alcohol consumption and we allow it to be advertised as the only way to look cool is with a beer in hand.
It is without a doubt the biggest gateway drug we produce and advertise its consumption. Most if not all drug addicts started with alcohol or it’s one of their comorbidities.
But Americans has chosen it’s poison, if you will, and the gates will never close on it delirious consumption. We really do need to stop it’s glorification and ban it’s advertising so kids can grow up without thinking they need a drink in hand to be “cool”.
11
Nancy Wartik seems to have done a good job of connecting alcohol related cause and effect in her life. She has done much of the work she would be expected to do in a rehab or 12 Step Program. I say that the first thing anyone who stops drinking alcohol will notice if they're paying attention is that they'll stop experiencing hangovers. Making the connections between alcohol fueled cognitive and behavioral changes goes a long way toward grounding oneself in not drinking. I am grateful to Nancy for her revelation and commentary including her mention of the DSM classification "alcohol use disorder." I would like to see the term "alcoholic" retired.
Very often, people who note that they have problems when they drink alcohol, and who self-identify as "alcoholic" via AA or other groups and treatments, find themselves judged forever as being on the slippery slope back to alcohol and so, in need of constant group imposed "support." It is also my experience as a long time non-drinker, that many long time drinkers who might benefit from not drinking are put off by the prospect of being labeled "alcoholic." They have reason to be put off.
10
My adult daughter learned to abuse alcohol in college after a violent rape and used it as medication to shut off her brain from remembering the pain but it created more pain than it eliminated. I could see the physical and emotional toll it took on her but she could not and only after years of counseling did she finally admit she had an alcohol abuse problem. Even then she had trouble using the word "alcoholic" and changing the language and recognizing that it is a disease seems critical. After eight long years of work and struggle she eventually stopped drinking with the help of naltrexone and counseling and support from her family. She was facing her disease and improving. One month before her 30 birthday (without any alcohol or drugs in her system) at 3 pm on a sunny Sunday afternoon she was killed by a drunk driver. She lived with me, she was my child and also my best friend. The pain of alcohol abuse continues for me.
20
@cplund I am so sorry. You have my deepest sympathy.
2
@cplund
Your story momentarily caused my entire system to stop functioning... heart, breath, movement...
Nothing, no words, can make any of this better for you, but as the mother of one adult daughter, who is also MY best friend, I am completely undone by hearing of your loss and send you loving thoughts. So very sorry.
Drunk driving makes few appearances here in this thread as some people talk solemnly of their drinking issues while others are blithe about their right to drink.
Driving after drinking is a crime, a disaster in the making and a sin (in the universal sense) against humanity. It's filthy disgusting.
4
@HotGumption Thank you for understanding and for your kindness, it helps.
I consider alcohol -- or the lack of it -- my superhero skill. I don't drink during the week and rarely drink on the weekend. I'm certainly not any smarter than my colleagues, I'm just sharper. I have no morning confusion, no grogginess. I remember facts. If your business needs to get more competitive, consider the alcohol consumption of your employees.
6
We are works in progress. I have gone very long periods in my adult life not drinking - and it drives people crazy. It makes others uncomfortable and uneasy when you're the sober one in the group. It has amazed me when people will comment out loud in large groups - "you're not drinking. what's wrong?" i have yet to have the courage to say that alcoholism and alcoholics have haunted my life. That my brilliant and fabulous and depressed father died from it. that my mother has a chemical and psychotic relationship with alcohol that ruined my childhood and still permeates mine and my siblings life. I love alcohol - I love the way it makes me more charming and funny and how it allows me to unwind and feel "better". but all of that comes with a price. I commend Ms. Wartik's honesty and perspective. Beware those glittering glasses of wine and that amber hue of that sweet liquor. the sound of clinking ice from the freezer still stops me in my tracks and frightens me. Its a sign of trouble brewing ahead. Its a slippery slope.
20
@Maryrose
No one should inquire about why someone is not drinking. It's rude and a violation of your privacy.
I do not drink simply because I don't want to and don't need to. Life is fun without it. But when I'm in a new social situation and am offered alcohol, I just reply that sparkling water is my drink of choice.
No one has a right to more info.
3
I recommend marijuana. Much safer and easier on the body as well as much less addictive.
10
Until it’s not—I know potheads who are addicts and in denial about how it adversely affects their lives. Addiction is addiction....
4
@SomethingElse
Pot is not physically addictive like alcohol - it is habit forming. Big difference. It is infinitely safer than alcohol.
3
Having lived in many parts of the world I’ve observed that different cultures have different relationships with alcohol. Binge drinking isn’t a thing in many parts of the world. And culturally people drink for different reasons.
There are many of us across the globe who are able to enjoy a glass of vino or spritz or brandy for what they are, savory spirits. There are those of us who are not drinking to ward off loneliness or to pretend happiness and extroversion. Some of us do not have deep rooted psychological reasons for it; some of us just enjoy a drink for what it is.
3
I’ve only ever heard one person truly scream. It was my mother, dying of her lifelong alcoholism, in various hospital beds as her liver shut down and her body swelled with sepsis. She did it a lot.
6
Thank you Nancy for your insightful, caring, instructive article. It helped me a lot and broke the log jam in my mind about drinking. I wonder how many other people your words helped. May I say thank you on their behalf.
A number of people have cited Carolyn Knapp’s "Drinking: A Love Story” in their response . I call your article “Drinking : A Love Letter “
5
I stopped drinking on February 15, 1987, now 33 years ago and I am much the better for it.
One thing, though.
Being around people at an event where everyone is drinking and I am not is usually fine by me until.
They begin to laugh (often uproariously) at their own booze-induced, weak and incoherent jokes or, worst of all, pithy asides.
Funny, I had the willpower to forego alcohol cold turkey, once and for all, but the failed pithy aside is more than I can handle.
Progress, not perfection, I guess.
8
22 years since I quit drinking. For me it was a simple case of childhood trauma that was effectively addressed through the 12 steps. It’s really 3 steps and some fluffy affirmations. Once completed, there’s no need to rinse and repeat.
AA calls itself a “spiritual program,” but I think of it as an “emotional program.” The inventory, confession and restitution steps, done properly, hack into the subconscious and rewrite the emotional code that serves as our operating system. The work that must be done is intensely emotional, and in my experience a small minority in AA actually do it. In my case, it was absolutely necessary and completely transformational.
Many cases - like the author’s - are successfully resolved without this heavy lifting, and that’s wonderful - much of AA has been corrupted through the takeover by the “recovery counselor” types; sober alcoholics with no other way to make a living than by selling what was intended to be free.
6
I am an indigenous person. I drink at least weekly and always with purpose. I am a serious binge drinker but one who very much enjoys sobriety in greater measure as well. Reading this page and the comments here has informed me that being American or even being like an American shames me more than being a drunk. I do not clearly understand why group thinking makes me cringe but it does exactly that.
3
Does it really matter if one identifies an alcohol disuse person, or alcoholic? It’s interesting how contorted ‘problem drinkers’ get to avoid the A word. Own it, and recover.
6
Great piece. I have gratefully avoided a life defined by how many drinks I have a day. I always say I would rather be sober and be miserable than be drunk and happy. Fortunately I am not always miserable.
1
The Queen of England supposedly has four drinks a day... and Winston Churchill famously ran WWII after his two shots of AM scotch. Beer was a drink of choice for many a generation of farmers-- safe (the water was boiled) and an energy drink before coffee and tea invaded the food chain in Europe.
A glass of prosecco can do more as a pick me up at 4 PM than a cup of coffee -- a glass of wine won't do it... Later than that for me alcohol is a soporific. ONE or even a half puts me to sleep.
Europe has ZERO alcohol level for drivers. DO NOT DRINK anything at all if you plan to drive... and if you walk in NYC, WEAR WHITE AT NIGHT, you sill pedestrians in fashionable black -- drivers esp. the old ones like the one who ran down and killed my 16 year old goddaughter (probably slight inebriated and walking not paying attention).
If you NEED a drink, you have a problem. Also at a party stick to spritzers... and alternate those with a glass of water.
PS you can improve your apple cider by hardening it - put it on the counter for a couple of days and when it starts to foam- taste it.. and when to taste pop it in the fridge. Fermentation is part of the food chain.
I find it interesting that people seem almost proud to proclaim that they were able to stop drinking without having gone to AA. As a 25 year member of this organization I’d like to say that I think you’re missing out. I have friends both within and outside of this program and I must tell you that we who are members of AA understand each other most profoundly. In talking about AA to one of my non-alcoholic friends they said I wish there were something like that for me. The principals that originate in AA have helped people with many other types of addictions as well. Don’t be afraid to check us out- you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
7
@Joyce
An important friend, someone I met after he had quit drinking, changed his life entirely through AA.
He quit drinking, lost weight, regained an interest in some healthy pursuits, and became strong and fit by riding the bicycle he had to adopt after losing his car license due to a serious drunk driving charge.
AA delivered for him as it has for millions of people over decades.
5
@Joyce For those of us who are non-religious, AA is simply church with a different name. I have been to many AA meetings and and the camaraderie with others with drinking issues is appreciated. But the religious focus of AA is unbearable for atheists and we feel shunned by the constant Higher Power emphasis. Besides, AA has a miserable failure rate, God or no god.
4
Amen to that! AA actually has a miserable success rate.
1
Part of the problem is rampant advertising of booze and lack of health warning labels. In our region, the government “control” board actually promotes drinking while alcohol adds to tax revenue. It’s not just individuals that are addicted to this harmful habit.
6
Thank you for your thoughtful and important column. I appreciate your backstory as it is very similar to many of ours: grappling for years whether you are or aren’t an alcoholic, spending hours online looking for the answer, but then eventually knowing what you knew in your gut all along. If you think you are drinking too much, than you are. Your body knows, not the internet. Quit while you can, while you have control. It’s that fine tipping point.
12
I’m confused. The definition of alcoholism is vague. No one seems to be able to clearly say who is and who isn’t an alcoholic. Some health studies say it’s good for your heart in moderation; some say a glass every now and then will kill you slowly. Alcohol in many forms has been around since the Stone Age. Why do we seem to have no clarity? Should I lose sleep at night over a glass or two worrying I might get esophageal cancer or succumb to alcoholism?
I’ve enjoyed a glass or two of wine with dinner for decades and enjoy it. Perhaps I’ll just keep on doing that. Works for me. Others may have different demons to deal with.
7
A police officer recently told me, remove alcohol from the equation and 95% of his job goes away. He was talking about mostly the calls he goes on regarding domestic violence.
422
My brother-in-law who works in a local emergency room says the same thing.
37
@Me
Hang out for any length of time in a courthouse, in criminal, traffic, or family court, and you will quickly see how often alcohol plays a role in why people are there.
22
@Buckeye Lady
And if it's not domestic violence then it's disabling injuries (for someone else) caused by a self-involved drunk driver. Disease, habituation, whatever you call it, being a drunk hurts other people every day. My sympathies are limited.
11
I have always found that abstinence is easier than moderation. I guess that sums it up, at least for me.
18
Alcohol is an acceptable intoxicant for those backward corporate and government entities that compel their members to eschew other intoxicants. We all know how much more toxic and damaging alcohol is. Question is, now that cannabis is legal in so many states, when is Federal law and policy going to change to reflect this and permit the adults in the group to do what they want responsibly and privately, without fear of arbitrary reprisals on the basis of some debunked ideas?
3
This account is the first I’ve ever read or heard that tells my story exactly. The difference is that I did join AA, which in addition to keeping me sober, has given me tools for living and a serenity I had never thought possible.
11
Thank you for your story. If you’re interested in an alternative to AA, you should check out SMART recovery (smartrecovery.org). It’s an evidence-based program that focuses on behavioral change. I attend both AA and SMART meetings and they’re both great resources to keep me sober. To me, AA feels more like church, but SMART recovery feels more like school.
7
I was a daily drinker for nearly 30 years before quitting completely 15 years ago. Though I am male, my experience was similar to that of Ms. Wartik's. One of the biggest deterrents to my gaining sobriety was the ubiquitous AA/12 step model with its religious focus. As an atheist, the higher power thing was a total turnoff and only helped to keep me drinking for decades. Quitting on your own is very difficult indeed but until a model for achieving sobriety without the religious aspect is developed and widely adopted, many people will struggle with their problem in private.
8
There are agnostic AA groups. And they work just as well.
1
@Mary A AA claims to accept atheists and agnostics but the religious aspect of AA is unavoidable. If you remove the Higher Power language from the steps, there is little left. Besides, AA has a 90 percent failure rate according to most who have studied it, so “working just as well” isn’t a very impressive statement.
Thanks for your well written approach and understanding of this subject. It took me some time to view my life in it's fuller clear eyed perspective. These days, I only abstain from slurring, bad judgement and vomit. The joys and intimacy of living are immense (albeit sometimes scary) but lack nothing that alcohol brought to the table.
All the best to you and all your readers.
2
As is the case with many (myself included), my husband took up drinking (excessively) in college. As we careened through our 20's, regular/daily drinking was not considered socially unacceptable. By our late 20's, I was pretty much done due to pregnancies and being home with the kids. My husband continued; he functioned at a high level at his job, etc. did not believe he had a problem (although he did not recognize the issues he created). He even "quit" for a year-but it turns out was sneaking around and hiding it.
Went out to dinner with our son, my husband was driving erratically, slurring words and since he had "quit" drinking, we thought he was having a stroke and I drove home. Unbeknownst to us, our son called an ambulance - the expression on my husband's face when the crew arrived was of pure panic (caught!) One of the EMT's told me he smelled alcohol on his breath to which I responded he didn't drink . . . At the hospital, the ER doctor told him "you have a problem" and looked at me with sympathy.
I gave an ultimatum - get and stay sober or we're done. He started AA the next morning and has been sober for over 15 years.
As a society, we glorify/rationalize alcohol consumption and it is made out to be our "little" helper. For more people than we realize, it is anything but.
11
Alcoholics leave a lot of collateral damage all around them. They stop drinking and yes, should be lauded before it. But, do they ever realize all the harm they have caused? Thank you for your article. A contribution to help many others realize how they may be hurting themselves in addition to others. May you stay sober now and always.
9
Happy to hear you have discovered that your life is better without alcohol. But remember that the trite phrase "One day at a time" has become a clichée for a reason. I was sober for 3 years or so and felt great, then I allowed John Barleycorn to slide back into my routine. This time, my drinking became more secretive and severe until, thankfully, I said goodbye to Demon Rum a second time over 15 years ago. Alcohol is the most destructive drug in America AND it's legal!
11
I drank a moderate amount of red wine (a glass and a half each night). Never enough to cause a hangover, but enough to tamp down my inhibitions when it came time to eat a normal size dinner. As a result, I was carrying around an extra 30 pounds and lots of it from unhealthy foods.
Then before my lumpectomy, the breast surgeon told me "no more alcohol". That was it. I was done. If I have a glass of wine in my hands, I'm most likely at a wedding or a very special occasion (not birthdays or holidays). The 30 pounds are gone, I have more energy, and frankly don't miss it a bit.
7
I will watch the upcoming Super Bowl for the ads except for the surge of beer ads which amidst the cute puppies and horses will sanctimoniously tell us to "drink responsibly". AB and the others do not want responsible drinking because it runs against their business model. They want everyone to drink, even just a little and even just once.
Because with that first brush with alcohol, the next generation of alcoholics-in-waiting will feel that dopamine rush and sign up for life or what remains of it once alcohol has taken the best pieces of it.
6
Thank you for writing so bravely about this. I relate to your story from the vantage point of a friend who knows someone who has a drinking problem. Despite our decades-long friendship that is almost akin to a family-like relationship, I’m very aggravated by his drinking. It affects our friendship in many ways. I can’t just enjoy a beer with him like I often do with other buddies. With him, there’s always a hidden agenda by him to have 5 beers or 10 beers. I can’t just have 1 with him. On many occasions he’s gotten so drunk while we are out that restaurant staff become concerned. They wonder if he needs to be cut off. Sometimes he has been cut off. Recently, I noticed that staff were making fun of him behind his back as we walked out of a restaurant. I don’t blame them. But this is embarrassing and appalling.
Years ago I confronted him about his drinking. He cut me off and didn’t talk to me for 3 years. So yes, I could confront him again. It would have zero results. I’ve given up. I basically have a deteriorated, low-quality friendship with him because of his drinking, and that’s just the way it is. Apparently he is content with it.
3
@neilends
Tangential, but relevant: I had a severely overweight acquaintance who had never made an effort to change. I squirmed out of that relationship after a dinner out that held me as witness to 4,000-plus calories consumed, including sundae. It is unpleasant to be around excesses that are self-destructive.
3
This email to Coors Light shares my feelings on the subject:
Your new "Official Beer of Saturday Morning" television commercial, in my opinion, hits a little too close to the age-old "hair of the dog that bit you" concept. Full disclosure: I'm a former drinker who too often relied on a Saturday morning beer or two to get the day started. I had given up hard liquor, but had fallen prey to the "I only drink beer" myth. Alcohol is alcohol. Yes, some people can drink responsibly. I, however, was among the masses who had a tendency toward addiction. Thank goodness -- and a lot of understanding friends -- it's been more than 35 years since I've had an alcoholic drink. Ironically, the last day I drank began with a few Saturday morning beers -- but continued throughout the day and into the night, much like what will happen with too many of the college-age and older viewers you're targeting. I think your advertising staff and Leo Burnett USA are doing a disservice to too many people who may see this as permission and affirmation to go ahead and have a Saturday morning beer or two. You could have done better.
Sincerely,
Paul S. Cooper
St. Petersburg FL
78 years old
35-plus years alcohol-free
17
The ex drank secretly for decades. I learned this only at the end of our 25 year marriage. Drinking secretly is "serious problem" behavior in that the person who is drinking is 1) not being honest and 2) not taking responsibility for their drinking behavior. He knew I didn't approve of him drinking daily, but he wanted to drink *daily* so he did it secretly behind my back. I had no idea *how much* he was drinking or if he was drinking and driving.
When I finally I caught him, it was because he stole liquor which didn't belong to him. A friend from Kiev had brought me a fifth of vodka in a decorative bottle. When I went to drink some, it was gone. He'd drunk every drop.
Yes, this WAS a problem. Even if it was "one or two."
It was a problem because he was lying.
It was a problem because he was not taking responsibility for his own behavior.
It was a problem because he was driving.
It was a problem because he was doing it daily.
This is what people who are seriously disordered and cannot stop DO.
3
I was a young alcoholic. At 37, I was diagnosed as late stage. I often drank until passed out. My mother called one night to tell me a childhood friend had given birth to a son. I was in a blackout. I called her a couple weeks later and asked “Did Joanne ever have that baby?” I was a mess. I admitted myself to a hospital treatment program in 1989 and have been sober since. I remember what a counselor told me about diagnosing alcoholism: if drinking is creating problems in your life, you’re an alcoholic.
2
AA has a simple rule of thumb for self-diagnosis of the vague concept of alcoholism: it’s not how much you drink, it’s what it does to you. In the case of females, I’ve read that women lack an enzyme that helps metabolize alcohol, making the act of drinking it akin to injecting alcohol directly into their veins. P.s. I count today as my 39th complete year sober.
2
When I was 19, I was ordered into an AA program. I told them, I used to drink every day but I quit cold turkey.
They asked, “How did you that?”
“I started taking opiates instead.”
They sent me to an NA program after that.
It can always get worse!
5
Best definition of an alcoholic that I've ever heard is someone who's life gets better when they stop drinking. Sober 29 years - my entire adult life. And an infinitely better father, son, brother because of it. The worst form of alcoholism is functional alcoholism. You work to drink and you drink to work. The blessing of being a wild man is sober up - or die.
6
It's a pity our country and the world encourages drinking so much. You would never be pushed in a friend's home or a restaurant to have a joint, or a pill. But alcohol is pushed on people, prices are low, it's readily available and anyone who doesn't drink is looked at askance. You're told it's good for your health; but for many it's a dangerous drug. Good for you for highlighting this scourge masquerading as a celebratory moment.
9
Loneliness is a major cause of drinking.
11
@karen
Making new friends, exercising and helping someone else through volunteering are better remedies.
3
Alcoholism is the cause, loneliness is a symptom.
1
Not for people with social anxiety.
I never drank. I tried it in my teens, didn't like it, that was that. I watched my friends acting stupider and stupider while it had almost no effect on me.
Fast forward 45 years. No experience with the stuff, a friends comes to visit, someone I hadn't seen in ten years who in that time had put on a lot of weight and become an alcoholic.
It was a real eye-opening experience.
The more he dank, the nastier he got When he got to the point of slurring (this was like 20 beers) he'd go off on aimless attack rants and in one of them I exploded after the 20th or 30th "lemme finish." I think I awoke the neighbors.
We're friends again but it was rough. Since then I've recognized the same behavior in several coworkers, and now it's obvious; a nastiness that grows all on its own, with no help.
Starting to think Prohibition wasn't as bad an idea as I once thought.
1
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences about your struggles with alcohol. Your view of AA is quite common among people who are or were struggling. 12 step programs are not for everyone with a substance use disorder and the focus of treatment now does not revolve around them, though they are seen as a vital tool. Treatment now seems to center upon harm reduction as opposed to abstinence. Counselors and treatment centers accept a commitment to maybe switch from heroin to marijuana, for example, as a positive step.
What is most important, though,iss your fearless honesty. I have been in AA for 13 years now. Learning to be honest with myself and the people around me is what finally kept me sober. Looking back, I can see very plainly that the biggest lie I was telling was that I was only hurting myself. The reality was that I was hurting many people as a person with Alcohol Use Disorder; people who were family and close friends, sometimes people who were total strangers.
Even after going into recovery, the harm I did to myself and others to this day remains in some ways. I am slowly rebuilding trust and mutually supportive friendships and that can take a long time. The harm I did to myself, though, has led me to the need for a liver transplant. My future is very uncertain as a result and at this point I can only plead with people who know but ignore warning signs of trouble, to please take them seriously.
I knew I drank like an alcoholic for 40 yrs. I always thought tomorrow was the day my will power would take over and I could control my drinking. That never happened. Then I discovered AA...actually I discovered the HONEST self knowledge that AA afforded me.
I can not do controlled drinking. And I have surrendered to my higher power... Reality..If reality didn’t do things my why I had issues.
My acceptance of reality has made my life great. Acceptance is the key sentiment. Like the late Robin Williams said ...” Wow reality what a concept” Yup...got that right..
1
I ended friendships with 2 childhood friends about 15 years ago because of their alcohol abuse. As I got older, I just wasn’t interested in getting drunk on the weekends like my 2 friends. Moving cross country made it easier to break of the relationships. I lurked and found them on social media a few years ago. Looks like they are still heavy drinkers, in fact 1 has left NYC and moved back home a few years ago, apparently jobless. It makes me sad to think he’s probably going to kill himself with alcohol, but if his family can’t help him then there’s nothing I could do to help. I find myself drinking less each year, like I’m aging out. I hate hangovers so I haven’t overdrank in years. I like a glass of wine but if I’m feeling buzzed - especially if I haven’t had enough to eat, I stop immediately. I loved the buzz on a Friday night after a hard week but it really doesn’t appeal anymore. I use a Coravin so I can have nice bottles, 1 glass at a time.
1
Another zealous reformer. Alcohol and other drugs are great enablers of high performance and pleasure or people wouldn't do them.
@No
Could not agree less. High performance and pleasure reside in joyful, non-addicted engagement in life. People who use view themselves as far more interesting than the people around them do.
7
You are deluding yourself to think that “high performers” are drinkers. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I have 15-20 drinks daily. I have been arrested multiple times for drinking, as well as for drinking and driving. But I have several attorneys. I am not in a relationship nor do I want to be.
I do not have an "alcohol use disorder". I am not getting close to Alcoholics Anonymous; those people don't drink! Plus they laugh a lot! Disgusting.
If you have alcoholism you can't drink even a little bit. Why would this writer even try? You aren't half a drug addict, or a "medium" drug addict - you're a drug addict. Trying to ascribe levels to it is a way to justify drinking again. I write from personal experience. It bothers me a lot when people who are addicts think you can use just a little and give other people that impression.
Sobriety feels so so so much better than being an addict. Just tell people that, because that's the truth.
1
Thank you Ms. Wartik.
Having spent many years in Alanon I expect your family, your friends and your coworkers thank you too.
Alcoholism not only destroys the alcoholic but destroys those around him too.
May the peace of your higher power be with you.
trump claims he doesn’t drink alcohol, reportedly because he witnessed the decline and early death of his older brother. But he is a miserable, cruel person. Is there a chance he would act more like an adult, more presidential, if he had a drink or two every night?
@Iconic Icon
His virulence would escalate.
1
Please don’t rule out AA - 31 years sober with its help.
1
If you have to ask.
4
“You don’t say.” At the risk of being churlish, how do basic insights that can be heard any night of the week at tens of thousands of AA meetings merit such airplay? It’s called “experience, strength and hope.”
2
@Charles Ward - It merits airplay because if even one person reads this, sees their own experience, and stops drinking, it has done exponential good.
1
@Shelby Upon reflection, you are correct. The overwhelming gratitude reflected in the comments shows the need for this kind of article. Mea culpa.
40 years ago this March I experienced similar skirmishes with alcohol and went to a counselor, who sent me to AA. What isn’t emphasized there, or in the culture at large, is that addiction to alcohol is a brain disease with predictable symptoms and outcomes: ( as AA humbly puts it “ Jail, Insanity or Death”). For those of you who have been drinking “ without problems” for decades, ask your doctor to do blood work on your liver.Get a brain scan to evaluate atrophy. Ask your grown children how your drinking affected them growing up. Alcohol Dependence is called “ the disease of denial” for obvious reasons. AA just introduces you to your peers who have found a way to quit alcohol with genuine caring and support.
2
'An alcoholic is someone you don't like and who drinks just as much as you do.' O Wilde
5
Umm. Looks like an alcoholic. Quacks like an alcoholic. Why not just admit it? It's been established for years that alcoholics are not necessarily Bowery Bums.
4
I work with two alcoholics— in leadership positions. I dread interactions or meetings with them....all I hear is “blah, blah, blah”.
1
The absolute worst is working with alcoholics.
Thank you Ms Wertik! Each of us has to work out our own relationship to alcohol, but the more we talk about it in an open, honest, non judgmental way the more people will ask themselves the question “what is my relationship to alcohol”
I was a sommelier, and (unsurprisingly) developed a severe alcohol use disorder, from which I continue to recover. Atop those two vantage points, I can confidently say that if all of us took 10 minutes to frankly and honestly ask ourselves “how is my relationship to alcohol?” we would all be better off. The beverage alcohol business spends lavishly to keep the party going, the mommy wine flowing, and to keep each of us from asking that very question.
7
Be clear that if you read the definition of drink, two large drinks or a martini counts as more than one. The AUDIT questionnaire has definitions included. However, when one is in the midst of self deception, it is difficult to read the fine print. The tool would Be more accurate if those definitions are used when answering the questions. As a nurse practitioner, when I ask about number of drinks here in Wisconsin, I am specific about amount...and ask if a person measures or just fills to half with ice...or are drinking a pint at the bar. A pint is two drinks. If you have questions about your drinking and really want to know your primary care healthcare provider can help you see you blind spots.
5
Nancy, thank your for bringing your formidable writing skills to this topic and thank you even more for your courageous honesty in putting the focus on your personal story. As you know, you are not alone in this. As one of our country's millions of Boomer women who had been tra-la-lolling down the wine-is-fun-and-justified-and-harmless path marketed to us for decades, I now am see out truthful information sources to fortify my resolve to never injest the addictive poison that is alcohol. From another perspective, I also choose to longer put my money in the hands of an industry dedicated to harming me and others solely for that industry's financial benefit. Thank you Nancy also for including the links that can keep in the forefront of our collective understanding the proof that there are NO safe drinking levels and that alcohol is the leading cause of death globally. Armed with this knowledge kept in the forefront of our daily choices, I celebrate all of us who choose to remove this toxin from our lives, and who choose, as Nancy has done today with her writing, to help our fellow humans to do the same. GLTA!
6
Most stories about alcohol abuse focus on the more predictable aspects of near-daily or daily drinking. What about binge drinking? In my experience it is just as destructive. Unlike daily drinking, binge drinking hits like a hurricane, often with no warning or discernible trigger, resulting in families always anticipating and dreading the next inevitable crisis.
My ex-husband had a pattern: drink reasonably for a few months, then hammer back so many drinks (15- 17) in an evening that he'd pass out standing up He would be an unholy mess for at least two days after, missing work, alienating his family, doing and saying things we could never forget or forgive. Of course he denied his behavior because couldn't remember it. He didn't have a problem, he'd say, despite the clear evidence.
Binge drinkers jeopardize their health and relationships just as badly as daily drinkers. I know. That's why he's my ex-husband.
8
Members of my family across the generations who have had an alcohol ' problem' aka alcoholics have been male and among the hardest and longest working members of my family.
They never mixed their drinking with their driving or their working.
And they all vehemently denied being alcoholics.
4
My situation doesn't match what's written here, but I will offer this:
For about 10 years, age 45-55, I enjoyed a half glass of wine with dinner - nothing more than that.
Looking back on it, that was the same time period when I woke up like clockwork at 2AM - and couldn't get back to sleep until around 5AM. Good thing I was not working a 40-hour work week, or I couldn't have kept my job.
So, now I only enjoy that half-glass of wine with very special meals - like Thanksgiving and Christmas, and my sleep habits are back to normal.
13
Are you a woman? Because a lot of woman have sleep issues at that age.
1
@Joan
She just said her sleep got back to normal. It was booze, not her gender and age.
My family all drank. Parents siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins. And me. From the time I was 13 I drank. But when I was 30 and married for a couple of years, my wife came home from work and I was there drunk. That state having been accomplished in just the 2 hours between when I got out of work and she did. Like every other day. But she had had enough. "Either you stop drinking or you are out of here". I took a long reflective walk, still intoxicated, returned to the house and never touched another drop. That was 33 years ago. And a couple years later I quit cigarettes as well.For quite a while I had to stay away from people who drank and smoked. No AA or therapy or medication. Oh I am still the same old impatient, intolerant of change guy I always was. I am not an easy guy to live with. But I get up every day, put my feet on the floor, and try to do my best at whatever it is I am doing that day. And when I die, there won't be any banners put up, no tributes, no medals, plaques, or statues erected for me. No one will interview celebrities and ask them about my 'legacy' . I will be just another imperfect human being who tried his best. And learned to do so without chemical assistance. Few will even remember me when I am gone. I am good with that. Because I know how hard life was for me and I am proud of what I did, imperfections and all.
42
@Walking Man
I will remember you and I give you accolades today for your touching post on what it means to be truly human, without the fanfare. No public legacy for me (woman) either, but I know all about my courage through exceedingly thin times.
6
I read this Friday afternoon while pondering the "am I developing a drinking problem" questions. I'm in my fifties, happily married, successful career, non-drinking spouse, community volunteer, raised two great kids, so yeah, functional. But lately I've been getting antsy, looking forward to that two large pours of Chardonnay I'll have before/with dinner.
Last night? After reading this, reading the comments? I had a sober night.
Today I awakened a little clearer than normal.
My plan is to read this bookmarked piece again this afternoon. My plan is to have another sober night. And to try again tomorrow.
56
@NYT reader I wish you the best! Good luck...
@JoeyJ Thank you. I made it another night - completely sober on a Saturday. I owe Nancy Wartik a debt of gratitude, because I'm going to keep re-reading this to force myself to think about my choices. I plan to stay sober again tomorrow. I have removed all wine (the only alcohol we had) from the home.
1
My mother was a "functioning alcoholic" until she died of esophageal cancer at age 58. My grandfather died of the same type of cancer at age 59 and also a functioning alcoholic (whatever that means). You have to admit that, even if you don't have serious consequences, there is an opportunity cost to drinking and, if you're drinking, you probably aren't going to go for a run or perhaps spend time reading to child. Alcohol is a major distraction. But it all comes back to money and the "Benjamins" are what makes this stuff legal and so much money is made on alcohol sales and just think of the restaurants and bars. I guess it's the opiate of the masses even though it causes a lot of damage.
9
I've been doing dry January and it has been an eye opening experience. I am 45 years old and honestly have never gone a month without drinking since my late teens. I love craft beer but lately came to realize that those 2 or 3 beers a night were unhealthy. That I have been spending a lot of time drinking those delicious beers alone at home. I've put on 30 pounds in the past few years as well. Since going dry this month, the most profound changes I've noticed is my decreases in anxiety, depression, and improved sleep. I've also lost 6 pounds! Alcohol is sneaky: we use it to calm our nerves after a long day, we use it to relax but the reality is it may have the opposite effect. Anyone who drinks regularly should step back from it for a prolonged period and really look at thier relationship to it.
So yes, I have a problem with alcohol and not sure how or if I can go back to enjoying those craft beers....
22
There is an idea that people should have “one drink”. This is pushed at parties and in bars. For someone with a drinking problem one drink is not enough. One drink leads to many drinks.
Although we don’t owe anyone an explanation, people were very understanding when I was on a diet. Everyone relates to the struggle with weight. I just think that alcohol is not worth the calories and carbs.
5
Two weeks and two days ago I stopped drinking. I drank two glasses (mostly) of wine a night for 30 years. No rock bottom or difficult social interactions, but as she said, in my gut I knew that my relationship with alcohol was not OK. Every day starting at 2 pm the cravings would start. I couldn't imagine not drinking. Going a day without was hard, two days nuts. But for some reason - still don't know why--I stopped. What shocked me was/is the depth of the cravings. I had hoped I could become a casual drinker aka only when out with friends or special ocaissions, but I think I am realizing thar it's probably best I stay on this path. Giving it up is too hard. Thanks for the article, I needed it.
28
I quit cold turkey 9 years ago after starting yet another fight with my husband. I have an addictive personality, so my new wine is seltzer, but I’m ok with that. Eyes wide open.
16
"A pisco sour for a mild buzz" reminds me of my first encounter with it in Peru. Since a glass of it is small in quantity, I said "I'll have another." While walking from the bar to the elevator, I remembered John Maddon famously hollering to his receiver Fred Bilinikoff (sp?)racing for a TD "Don't fall down Fred, don't fall down! My chanting to myself was similar: "Don't fall down Bill, don't fall down!"
Thank you so much for this, Ms. Wartik. And bravo. It's so hard to do what you did. You saved your life. There will always be those who cling to their disordered drinking and (implicitly or explicitly) mock sobriety. It is "not for" them. My brilliant, wonderful and very complicated mother did that until she died way too young, and awfully. Twenty years before she died, I saw that I was on the same road as she. I too was clinging to drinking. I stopped. That was 30 years ago, and I have never regretted it for a minute. That is not to say I have not, at times, missed drinking. But that is a small price to pay for being awake and clear and in the world (even when it hurts).
10
"In short, if you wonder whether you drink too much, sometimes it’s best to trust your gut."
If you find yourself wondering, the answer is probably yes.
This piece skillfully articulates the seductive qualities those bottles and glasses hold aloft.
From my first drink (drunk) at age 14 until my last, just shy of my 24th birthday, I drank to get drunk. I always knew that it was not "normal" moderate drinking. I would literally look in the mirror and say out loud, "You are in serious trouble." Luckily I hit a very high, very early bottom and although it didn't solve every problem, it took one huge one off the table, and provided me with a more authentic self to work with. I'm 61 now - with plenty of flaws and issues, but alive, healthy, responsible, and eternally grateful to whatever internal and external forces allowed me to make this change.
Random notes: 1) The rehab dance scene from the film When a Man Loves a Woman just gutted me. I lived it. Dancing sober for the first time remains one of the most terrifying things I've ever done.
2) If you quit, learn about the physiology. I didn't, until years later in a college class; the knowledge would have been helpful.
8
As a recovering alcoholic (40 years sober), I have come to view alcoholism as a continuum, much like Asperger Syndrome: if you drink regularly, you are on the continuum. The more frequently you drink to excess (i.e., the point where your behavior and judgment are impaired) the farther to the right you are on the continuum.
In my opinion, it not particularly useful to try to distinguish between a “social drinker”, having a “serious problem”, and being an “alcoholic”: there is no fixed point on the continuum where you cross over from being one to the other. Anyone who drinks to excess, even just one time, is capable of making a fatal mistake that forever alters their life and the lives of others. Ultimately, that is hard truth that really matters.
15
After years of moderate drinking I’ve also given it up, and have been alcohol-free for several months. The red wine that used to be so uplifting and freeing now leads directly to awful headaches. Deciding which restaurant to go to based on their wine selection used to be the overriding consideration. But health concerns and other factors led me to realize that as long as I was drinking I wouldn’t be able to achieve that level of health I was otherwise willing to make sacrifices for. And when I learned that wine makers are allowed to add up to 70 stabilizers without listing them on the label, it was easy to give up wine. Alcohol is such a strong depressant that I can almost guess who’s a moderate, daily drinker just based on a conversation with that person. Travel and socializing with drinkers are situations I’m avoiding for now, since those are triggers.
12
Totally awesome! Great story. AA is filled with self-hate and the depression described here. I quit too! 4:20 AM CA time. I can get up & go to work on the 405. It’s a totally unfettered ride.
3
Quitting drinking is for people with a mere drinking problem. AA is for people who suffer from alcoholism. Your description of the fellowship tells us precisely nothing about it. But it might tell us something about those who once attended and do so no longer. Drive safe.
11
Thanks for this important article and comments.
I advise my children and grandchildren of the A, B, C,s.
Alcohol is:
Addictive
Blurs judgement and control beginning with the first drink
Carcinogenic.
9
I am an ex-smoker and come from a family of alcoholics. I am well aware that I am at risk. My rule is to NEVER drink because I need a drink. I think that’s the trap. I can still enjoy a beer with a burger in a restaurant or a glass of wine with pasta.
4
Just a note to say thanks for sharing. Totally relatable, which reminds me that I’m not alone on this journey.
11
I'm a drinker. I don't really care. I am an empty nester and a successful professional. I have earned my bars (as opposed to stripes). I might be an alcoholic. But does it matter?
3
@Jon I doesn't matter until suddenly it matters very much when you are faced with a health problem linked directly to alcohol then suddenly everything changes, your health really matters.
7
@Jon I am an empty nester and a retired successful professional. I have saved enough money to be significantly more than comfortable in my retirement. I am an alcoholic. Last August I had a root canal. I'd had root canals before. Not pleasant, but not a really big deal, right? Well, the endodontist prescribed a regimen of over-the-counter pain medications: ibuprofen and Tylenol. I took them as he prescribed. However, the drinking had, unbeknown to me (no symptoms), caused inflammation in my upper GI tract. The combination of the inflamed upper GI tract and the ibuprofen caused me to bleed internally. I began vomiting blood and blood clots (and, it was coming out the other end, too). It was a horrific experience. I wound up in an ICU. All of the tests they did revealed a whole lot of alcohol induced problems with my body: hepatic liver disease, ascites (which I'd never had before), high bilirubin and others. I needed a blood transfer because I was extremely anemic due to all of the internal bleeding. I have not had a drink since then and feel a thousand times better. The hepatologist told me that if I don't drink for two years it is most likely that my body will be back to normal. Within three weeks the ascites was gone and within three months my bilirubin was back to normal. I am lucky. It could well have been that my body would never have returned to normal again and I could have died a miserable death of liver disease and all of the problems that come with it.
8
If you are happy and no harming anyone no it doesn’t. Do your thing
Thank you for sharing.Parts of your personal life. Parts of your created self Identity; the I AM...Types and ranges of selected daily behaviors. Both distinct parameters, each with their own interacting dimensions,make up who we are. Who we are not. Who and what we may never BE. As well as WHO and WHAT we may yet BEcome.Over time. Given many known, currently unknown and perhaps even unknowable factors. WE, as developing acculturated entities are complex. As we cope.(Mal)adapt. (Mal)function.Err. Daily. As we learn.Or not. From failing. From "falling." The Buddhist caveat:"Fall down 7 times, get up 8, is the road to perfection" may be stimulating to read. Steps to sustained changes are difficult. For some, bordering on impossible.Types, levels and qualities of drinking alcoholic beverages, OR NOT, alone and with others, in a range of places, can and does meet diverse as well as shared functions.For the person. For the culture. For where we live. Work. Study. Engage in sacramental activities. Medicaliziing types of drinking alcoholic beverages with a diagnosis can, and does, serve the agendaed needs of individual and systemic stakeholders.While helping people to achieve sustainable well-being should be, and is, a valued socio-cultural norm and value, we need to be aware that "disease mongering" can dehumanize. E.g. "alcohol use disorder,"a selected-"expert"- created diagnosis,not based on empirical facts, doesn't consider a person's resources for viable sustained changes.
1
Opiate addiction and alcoholism are similar in my experience. Both are a blanket against mental pain and the ugliness of the world. Alcohol is far less effective and much more physically harmful, but it is legal. Opiates are extremely effective and basically healthy when used properly, but they are illegal and targeted by our government. Honestly, all drugs should be legal but properly regulated. If people want or need to be intoxicated, let them achieve that safely. You don’t know what trauma is behind their behavior. Better to act out on yourself than others is what I believe.
6
The healthiness of opiates varies according to type. Ironically, heroin is the healthiest. As long as it is consistently clean, used consistently cleanly, and the lifestyle of the usual addict doesn’t crash in the usual way. None of that happens in our country. It does in Portugal though.
2
As a physician I can tell you there is nothing safe or healthy about opiates or alcohol. If you are are medicating yourself to get through life, you need REAL help, not drugs and/or alcohol.
3
It’s weird. Morphine was invented by the Bayer company in Germany in the 19th century. It was incredibly addictive and unhealthy. Most morphine addicts die in less than three years. So the Bayer company invented heroin. It was supposed to be the great new alternative to morphine. And yes, heroin addicts didn’t die in less than three years like morphine addicts. But heroin was six times more addictive than morphine. So I’m not a fan, although I still support decriminalization of its addiction. Even more ironically, the only drug which is more addictive than heroin which is commonly used is nicotine, which is also basically legal. I find the history of drugs and their use fascinating.
2
Except for a few small details, I could have written this. It really, really describes my experience using alcohol and then, at 39, stopping. I suspect this also resonates with a lot of other people. Thank you for this. One aside, though - AA worked for me and continues to provide a support net.
13
Thank you for your article, very courageous & Ty to reader who replied. There are circumstances where people who drink too much can quit and never take another drink. However if you’re a real alcoholic, controlled abstinence will not work INMHO.
Alcohol is but a symptom. Very disappointed that your article didn’t fairly acknowledge the great work done by 12 step programs that have helped millions.
I was always a "social drinker." It only took a few tragedies to turn me into an alcoholic. Better off not to start. But my life, physical and mental health and clarity are coming back now and I thank God and hope to stay strong. I wish you all the same. And that early dementia I swore I had, just a wine fog.
7
Nancy, thank you for writing this article.
As a physician, I can confirm a huge population (undetected) of my patients belong to this spectrum and what you didn’t point to, they blame peer and social pressure.
Ive made quite a few of my female colleagues/ friends quit. They all said the following, almost verbatim (like you)....
“But what really kept me on the path was the remarkable difference between the drinking and not drinking me. ”
These women felt more healthy, and just good inside since quitting— although according to criteria they would be considered ‘moderate drinkers’ only.
You cited the Lancet study, there’s another one ten years earlier from UofToronto, and it’s analysis fell along similar lines but the study faced such criticism as if UofT had committed blasphemy, or had found a flaw in Jesus!
It was all because the outcome pointed to this:
There is NO safe amount of alcohol!
Every alcohol researcher and scientist knows and teaches, ALCOHOL is a poison. The minute it enters your body, you’re liver starts working to nullify or neutralize it.
But it’s the only poison with such a staunch population support and such a lobby, they make the non supporters of alcohol seem prejudiced or unscientific!
It’s not just a medical problem, it’s a huge social dilemma.
I’ve seen so many human lives destroyed by alcohol in my career (in ICUs), I can’t stand the sight or smell of it. When I preach to my patients, I reaffirm— yes, I do not drink at all!
23
Agree. Also a female physician.
My experience over the years has led me to the belief that there is NO safe level of alcohol and I have felt vindicated of late when studies have bolstered my anecdotal expereinces.
3
@Kas
Thank you to two clear-eyed doctors. As someone who has simply chosen not to drink but frequently socializes with people who do (and not to excess) it is astonishing to witness the subtle personality changes that always take place.
2
I can relate to this article quite a bit. I am on a similar journey. I often, especially when I first stopped drinking, have an image of swimming out of murky dirty polluted water into calmer cleaner water.
7
Congratulations Nancy.
You identified and changed your underlying causes of unhealthy consumption in association with situational coping.
That’s a marvellous achievement and justifiably an eternal source of pride.
Thanks for a solid written work and for opening it up to some awesome comments.
11
Thanks for this, went through something very similar 2 years ago and sober since then (with one fail, true). I fully agree with you that quitting boozing s one of the most difficult things to do, even if you are "functioning alcoholic" and I can tell you that it s even more difficult in countries like Scotland or currently Central Europe - my places of business - where drinking consists a substantial part of social narrative.
For me basically the only trigger to stop drinking was that i realised i wouldnt be able to perform at work if i carry on like this as the brain department would eventually fail to do things the right way, so i decided to quit. It was so difficult and it s still a social blackhole, but still worth it just for the sake of not experiencing those mornings when the only solution is to have another drink and postpone the hangover. Good Luck!
8
You hit the nail on the head with this:
"In short, if you wonder whether you drink too much, sometimes it’s best to trust your gut."
Others can tell you that you drink too much, you can take all the quizzes you want, wake up sick day after day, end up in jail, or worse, and none of it will matter to someone who refuses to admit to themself that they have a problem.
Most heavy drinkers know deep inside they have a problem but if the consequences don't add up to "enough" to stop, it's a tough task to convince someone otherwise.
Since you mention you are at least in your 40s, then you know, as I do, that drinking at 50 like you did at 21 just doesn't cut it any more. A hangover you might have plowed through at work at 21 will, at 50, morph to three days of total incapacitation if you're lucky, or seizures, or worse, if you're not.
If one is really not sure, see if you can quit for 3 months. Or, minimum, 6 weeks. The latter will get you to "normal", and by 3 months, you may actually stop thinking about whether you even want alcohol, let alone need it.
Drinking can become your routine and daily status quo, and breaking that routine, familiarity, and complacency can make you feel better, not even to mention the physical improvements you feel by breaking the cycle of heavy drinking and getting out of that rut.
13
I’ve been sober 37 years.
Before that happened, alcohol was on course to ruin my life. It wreaked havoc in my entire family, all of whom had severe drinking dependencies. My father died in denial; my sister died young; my mother is impaired, probably in significant measure due to her decades of excessive drinking.
One wonders why folks with alcohol problems are so eager to avoid being “labeled” as alcoholics. Alcoholism, like bipolar disorder, is a spectrum disease with a wide range of behaviors and levels of disability. Trying to avoid the word is just an effort to avoid the truth. As in the fairy tale Rumplestiltskin, knowing the name of the beast saps its power.
Say it with confidence. I tell folks I am a sober alcoholic all the time. I’m proud of it; it has never, never shamed me the way my drinking did.
27
I went by the rule that you are a problem drinker if you have problems from drinking.
18 years ago I went off the road, crashed my car and got a DWI.
I was so scared, I quit drinking that night, and never drank again.
It turned out to be the best night of my life
17
Congratulations on your sobriety. One thing you might consider is that the term “Alcoholic” is a limiting label. People are much more than their toxic use of a substance. I suggest that the less convenient term “ person having a substance use disorder” restores the primacy of humanity above an unfortunate frailty.
6
For 16 years, she was my partner...we raised our children together and owned a home. She refused to stop drinking...refused to admit she even had a drink. She thought she fooled everyone but was fooling no one.
I waited her out for 10 years, and then I left. There was no victory at the end of my battle or my waiting. It was a thud of an ending.
4 years later, I’m still not over it.
She never understood or accepted that those drinks changed everything about her, made her a different person, pushed us apart, embarrassed me, made me hate coming home until I knew she’d be asleep.
Yeah, if you’re asking yourself if you drink to much, err on the side of caution and assume you do.
If you’re wondering if it’s driving a wedge between you and your spouse / significant other, assume it is.
If you’re wondering if others - neighbors, your kids, your colleagues, your in-laws, your boss knows, they all do, even when they pretend they don’t.
I hate those lost years and I hate that she chose that bottle over me and us and our family.
The End!
83
You should not take it personally. She was self medicating. You might not understand why. But she does.
Sometimes you just get unlucky in love. You were lucky for a while when you had it. We have to be thankful for what we had. Nothing is permanent.
6
I feel your pain. My husband felt he could handle it and could stop drinking whenever he wanted. Except he could not or would not. It was practically killing me and our kids so I finally had to throw him out with the help if the police. I still loved him, which made it doubly hard. Friends could not understand how I could love someone like that. And no one understood why I would not remarry.
The kids loved him and miss him now that he is dead of alcoholic liver disease, but they wanted him out. Its not easy and not fair to leave a sick person, but if that person is not willing to get better you have to take care of yourself and even more so your kids.
3
Hello Rick: Perhaps if you speak with recovering alcoholics (not “recovered,” because we never are), or go to Al-Anon, you can begin to understand that when we become alcoholics, it stops being a choice and becomes an addiction. Then perhaps you can learn to forgive her and to heal that dark place in your life.
1
Americans have a uniquely unhealthy, guilty relationship with alcohol. Maybe it is our Puritan heritage? I don’t know. We treat it as taboo and forbidden, and attach all sorts of inappropriate moral significance to it. If someone truly has a drinking problem, there is good help available. If not, for heaven sakes relax!
9
@Mark Siegel as a recovered or non-practicing alcoholic, i agree with you Mark. The puritan heritage is clear. As my post above says, addiction is complex and insidious, but i’ve never advocated a return to prohibition or victorian attitudes where it had to be hidden in dark clubs and seeing somebody on the movie screen actually sipping the drink they are holding was taboo/illegal. I attend events and gatherings where alcoholic drinks flow. It doesn’t bother me and power to those who can handle it. No need to frown on them or lecture them or say anything at all. If the drinking gets out of hand, i just leave.....too boring. the majority of drinkers are responsible social drinkers in my observation. No reason for others to feel guilty because I can’t handle booze. And as laws have relaxed, with sidewalk patios etc, there’s scant evidence if any the percentage of alcoholics has changed. Cheers!
5
I agree. Sober for 31 years, I’ve frequently been around drinking friends and family, bought wine for dinner parties, cooked with it, and gone to taverns when I had a good reason to be there. I have no problem with alcohol so long as I don’t drink. I succeed in not drinking only because I associate regularly with other sober alcoholics. It is with their help that I am able to remember that the real problem for me has always been sobriety (consciousness is my only trigger), and to engage in a simple and daily spiritual regimen that I enjoy and which helps me to maintain a happy and useful sobriety.
6
Purely from the standpoint of health there is no “healthy” level of drinking, especially for women. This is not Puritanical, it is scientific fact. So, I do not tell my patients that deinking is “good for them” because it is not.
Anyone can get the strength to fight any addiction - with God’s help, not man’s.
5
Thank you for writing about your experience. Alcohol misuse impacts every one of us, including folks like me who drink occasionally. I am reminded of that reality every time I pass a roadside memorial to someone killed by a drunk driver, one of which is on a road not far from my home.
2
I think when you know its "wreaking havoc on your life" its a problem whether that is once or many times....best wishes in finding peace and happiness. My thoughts are you need to fix what it is that is driving you to the excess and focus on that - NOT focusing on the drinking....as that is just the outlet could be, over eating, drinking, working too hard, being a jerk/rage, etc. these are all just offshoots of a dis-order of "ease" or balance in your life. More rest, more health, more community, more exercise, more communication will hopefully lead to less distress....wishing you well.
6
First, you should know that it's not how many answers you get right or wrong, the very fact that you took the tests indicated that you had a problem. Normal people who don't have a problem with drinking don't feel the need to take these tests. It was only a matter of time before you finally realized it.
I also identified with much of your story. I too used alcohol to deal with Life. I didn't realize until after I got sober finally that alcohol (or my alcoholism) was using me. I never learned how to live life on life's terms - I kept trying to bend it to my will, and when it didn't, I numbed the pain and frustration with booze. During the Christmas holidays in 1991 I finally realized that my way didn't work. I had no answers, nowhere to turn. That was my bottom.
I went to rehab, came to understand I was an alcoholic, and accepted the fact that I needed help. I began attending AA meetings and followed the suggestions even though I didn't want to - I wasn't sure AA would work, but I WAS sure of one thing: my way did not. So far I haven't taken another drink.
If you haven't been to AA, I urge you to avail yourself. There you'll find many just like you, and people who can truly understand you, and not judge you. Whatever your prejudice against it will melt away if you go there with an open mind. At the least, get and read the book Alcoholics Anonymous. In it you will find your story, even if the details are different.
Good luck.
8
Ty excellent reply. Disappointed by article, millions will attest that quitting cold turkey doesn’t work. AA is not a religious program. You don’t have to believe in God. The Article proclaims I did it, I just stopped no AA, no medication, what happens to people who try the approach & it doesn’t work
The ignorance about addiction is amazing, and deadly. The denegration of highly successful programs like AA and NA is outrageous.
11
“Today, I can label myself. I had moderate alcohol use disorder, a ‘chronic relapsing brain disease’ marked by loss of control over alcohol.”
Why can’t it just be a bad habit you did well to shake?
I’m tempted to remark, only half facetiously, that life itself might be characterized as a “chronic relapsing brain disease.” If everybody’s crazy, then no one is.
5
Because a habit is a choice, and a disease is biological. There is shame rhetoric in your comment that I hope you’ll reconsider moving forward.
I am naturally disinclined to drink alcohol. I've never liked the taste or what it does to me (or to anyone, for that matter), so I don't drink it.
But, my god, the pressure to drink! If you're out with people and you don't get a drink -- you're a "teetotaler", "no fun". You're at a party and you don't have a drink -- you're a "narc." You're a woman in your 30s and you don't have a drink -- "are you pregnant?" You're at a family gathering and you don't drink the wine -- "don't you like the wine? Why aren't you drinking it?"
The avoidance of alcohol is such an anomaly in our culture that it draws a huge amount of attention.
Two suggestions for everyone:
1. Stop drawing negative attention to people who don't drink.
2. Educate yourselves about the effects of alcohol on the body. It's not healthy. Not even red wine. Not even a little bit.
43
I have never had more than two light drinks in one day - and that was 40 years ago. I have the genetic tweak that (I think?) causes me to hypermetabolize alcohol so I get tipsy, then sick feeling and then out cold if I drink. It is impossible for me to understand how (or why) anyone wants to drink alcohol; it smells and tastes like nasty medicine to me. But I do know how hard it is to stop doing something you deeply crave emotionally and physically, and I commend you on your honesty, strength and clarity, and wish you continued sobriety.
8
This is a wonderful and empathetic comment. You don’t “understand” per se, but don’t use shaming language. Thank you
1
Thank you so much. I needed to hear this.
8
Bill Wilson cured himself of alcoholism partly with the help of LSD, and he wanted to include the treatment in the AA protocol, but the board wouldn’t.
Ketamine, psilocybin, and microdosing LSD may be able to reduce your dependency on alcohol, especially if depression and ptsd are behind it.
Look it up by Googling Johns Hopkins psychedelics. Psychedelics, among the safest drugs around if used correctly, allow some people to enjoy alcoholic beverages, while losing the desire for too much.
6
Bill W never claimed to have cured himself of alcoholism. He did experiment with LSD to treat a lifelong clinical depression and got positive but only temporary results. It is fortunate that the fellowship he helped to found resisted some of his more harebrained schemes. Endorsement of the supposed positive effects of hallucinogens was but one of several.
1
@Robert I suggest you take up your bias against the biggest breakthrough treatments for depression in the past 50 years with the scientists at the Johns Hopkins Center for Psychedelic and Consciousness Research and the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS).
As I understand it, Bill W. did indeed recommend LSD as part of the cure for alcoholism, but it doesn't really matter. The fact remains, psychedelics show great promise in treating a wide range of diseases that underlie the desire to overdo it with dangerous drugs like alcohol, and anyone who is suffering or has loved ones suffering should learn more about it.
1
I believe that I have a personality that makes me susceptible to addictive behaviors. Fortunately this is offset by the fact that I am too much of a cheapskate to spend money on liquor.
7
Yes. The urge for a decent single malt scotch or great wine fades....slowly. In my mind, I can still taste or smell t. And some "former friends" don't feel comfortable with a person drinking seltzer. But boy is it worth it for your family and health.
15
As someone who has never had alcohol or any substance make them feel more relaxed or mellow or Joyful or sociable ...who doesn’t even understand in what way drinking makes things “ fun” I sometimes read articles like this with a vague jealousy and disbelief ( really and truly alcohol makes people feel something other than headaches and tired?..I know it intellectually but can’t always wrap my head around it). But for the most part, I just count the blessings of my weird physiology.
6
You’re not weird. Alcohol tolerance is genetic, and varies among population groups. The gene affects how alcohol is metabolized in the liver. In my case, I have the ADH1B gene which causes me to hyper metabolize (my term) alcohol so it makes me feel sick, as you describe. Since my mother drank too much after my dad died (he must have given me the gene, as he didn’t like to drink either), I’m grateful to have this natural protection against alcohol abuse.
2
My drinking career started at age 13 and was never healthy yet when I consulted a therapist for issues completely unrelated to alcohol (my thinking) I was genuinely stunned at her summation, “this is easy, you’re an alcoholic.” Family, friends, coworkers were not stunned. When I left rehab my goal was 6 months; 180 days of abstinence resulted in remarkable improvement. I decided to abstain for day 181, day 182... People would encourage me to have a drink, like 1 drink and I would think “I have no desire to drink 1 drink. Social drinking does not look fun at all.” Sometimes I would be at parties and as the evening progressed I would see people drinking straight from the whiskey bottle or passing around the Mason jar with red stuff in it or talking crazy or end up in the hot tub half naked. Now that did appeal to me, that did look like fun. A few years later, still abstinent, I was sitting around still debating whether I was alcoholic or not and I realized that sitting around questioning my alcoholism a few years after quitting was the strongest piece of evidence I had that I was alcoholic. This revelation opened a door in my life to experiences beyond anything I could have imagined when I successfully completed rehab in 1990. Today I love going to my 7am Saturday morning AA. All the best in any effort to abstain/recover from alcohol abuse/alcoholism.
17
In my 20's I struggled to attend university classes. Failed out of classes semester after semester. I held low wage, low-skilled jobs for short periods of time. I blacked out almost nightly. I was in the worst state of depression imaginable. But, was I an alcoholic?
Well, no one in my family had the disease. Other people had higher tolerance. I went to AA and they treated me like a pariah because I had no legal troubles and only drank 4-8 beers a day. [Except, how many did I have I nights I blacked out?]
Then I did something no alcoholic is supposed to be able to do. I cut back. Slowly and over a year, I drank less and less.
After several years of only 2-3 beers a night, I couldn't be an alcoholic, right?
But my anxiety and fits of anger were out of control. I finally decided that whatever was wrong with me, I needed a steady lifestyle and even the moderate ups and downs of small-time consumption led to bad outcomes for me.
I gave it up completely 7 years ago and found religion. These have been the happiest, most productive years of my life. I have grown in ways I did not think were possible. I don't even know that miserable 20-year old.
Am I a drunk by AA standards? Probably not. Is my life better alcohol-free? ABSOLUTELY!
13
Giving up alcohol is easy. What’s not so easy after you do that? Sugar.
15
Thank you Ms. Wartik. Alcohol addiction, wherever you may be on the psychiatric spectrum, is an insidious and complex thing. Too many commenting fail to grasp that fact. My. Grandfather was a classic mean drunk and nasty person. His daughter, my mother, was an angel when sober, and a mess when drunk, which by my teens was daily by after school. I realized i was addicted by the end of my first year at university. And it took 10 years before i hit rock bottom, went to a detox centre in 1983, age 28. I was there a week and haven’t had a drop since, 36 years this past dec. Point one, many alcoholics clearly have an inherited genetic basis for addiction. I’m one of six children, two of us followed the same path. Insiduous because by the time you know you’re hooked, it’s too late, your hooked. It’s not easy quitting. But it was way easier than quitting cigarettes which i only managed to do three years ago, having started about same time as my drinking. It’s also insidious because not everyone is the same. Once the alcohol was out of my bloodstream, largely at the end of the week of detox, i found the physical, ‘must have it’ cravings disappeared. From there it was just a matter of making up my mind to never touch it again. But that wasn’t the case with many people i’ve known who’ve struggled with alcohol. Some have relapsed many times. Their craving hasn’t disappeared. We should all be careful not to judge. I rarely talk about it, but when i do, it’s to promote understanding.
12
Sending you so much love. My uncle is currently dying from this, and even though I’m not “like him” at 32 I’ve begun to question my relationship with what’s essentially poison. Thanks for contributing to this conversation.
5
I was a hard, solo drinking alcoholic from the ages of 25 to 31. I drank quite heavily before that too, but more socially. It ultimately made me so miserable that I came very close to suicide. At that point, I started using heroin and was too scared to combine it with alcohol, so I stopped drinking. 4 years later (I was a functioning addict, worked and bought my heroin on the dark web and smoked it when I got home) I was not depressed, but I was heavily addicted and broke. I was put on Suboxone 10 mg and Effexor 150 mg which I supplemented with cannabis whenever I had heroin cravings.
2 years later that remains my medication regimen. I hope to wean off the Suboxone when I feel stable enough, as I still struggle with heavy depression and Suboxone has an anti-depressant effect, especially in combination with Effexor. I haven’t touched a drop of booze since I quit 5 years ago. My drinking years had a profound effect on my cognition and ability to think clearly, which I still struggle with. I think it’s by far the most devastating drug out there in terms of physical and cognitive decline, increased risk of cancers etc.
Just wanted to add my story to show others sometimes the path towards giving up drinking isn’t as simple as suddenly deciding to try for total sobriety. I know that would not have worked for me. Best of luck to anyone caught up in the struggle.
16
Sending you love. Thanks for sharing your story.
5
Unsurprisingly, a great deal of sermonizing and criticizing and judging in the comments.
I suggest there is a direct correlation of the need to justify ones attitudes towards alcohol with the problem one has with it.
To state the obvious, everyone is different. One man’s bread is another man’s poison.
I have no substance abuse problems, never have had.
I used to be addicted to love.
I missed it, but, now no more.
6
It’s really helpful to hear from ex-drinkers who measure their sobriety in years. And in private. The type that don’t need to share sobriety with pride. Normal drinkers don’t do that. Anonymity is a doing the right thing and not needing others to see it. It’s very hard but a firmer foundation for long term sobriety.
4
I’ve always been staunchly anti-alcohol, which became a major factor in feeling alienated in booze-friendly college. There was nothing worse to my social game than to not imbibe with the crowd. But I survived and that became an early adult lesson in individuality.
I appreciate this piece because without it I would never have known this perspective: I don’t socialize with drinkers and I don’t know their struggles. I’m excited for the author - not just for the great health benefits that will come, but for the self-actualization that awaits. Good luck to all on a similar journey!
18
Shame's a pretty powerful motivator, and has changed the lives of many. Alcoholics will identify with your story, including what might be a slight shadow of denial. Acknowledging alcoholism in 2020 should be no more intimidating than acknowledging diabetes. It's good you're not ruiling out AA — there are tried and true tools available there including many that have application beyond quitting alcohol, though I have a couple of good friends who quit drinking without ever going to a meeting. Wishing you the best of luck, one day at a time.
6
I remember Ursula K. Leguin wrote in “The Dispossessed” that shame was just as much a chemical aftereffect of alcohol intoxication as a hangover. I thought that was very astute.
13
Nice article. Encouraging to see it. I will only add four things. The simply gauge and measure for if one has a drinking problem in AA is to ask the question about if their drinking has become in any way 'un-manageable'.
Alcohol is a drug. Often times people who are obstaining from drug use will engage in 'substitution' and accelerate their use of alcohol in replacement of the drugs, or vice versa, in which case they will engage in new or additional drug use to replace their alcohol.
I buy half liter bottles of.water. 40 bottles per case, 22 cases at a time. I like it a lot. I like it cold. Straight out of the fridge. I like it first thing in the morning. I like it last thing at night. I grab one every time I leave my home. I go through a case every three or four days.
I'm a staunch believer that anyone who has a family history of alcoholism that could / might have hereditary implication should be very careful, is probably not a candidate for drinking or drugging, should be sat down and warned at an early age, and should probably never ever drink.
8
@Charlie Anteby A friendly, cautionary tale. I know someone who drank about 5 or 6 liters of water during a 3 hour period of time.
They ended up having a seizure because their sodium level dropped too low.
I get the sense that you space your water drinking throughout the day. So, this probably wouldn't be a problem for you.
Thought I would share the info just the same.
Take care.
7
Although many alcoholics drink excessively, the amount isn't the criterion to determine alcoholism. Alcoholics often deny that they are because they see other people drink more than themselves but don't have the same problems as they do. Furthermore often alcoholics after they begin to develop liver disease as a result of their drinking will drink less because they can't metabolize it as easily.
The best criteria are if you are aware that alcohol interferes with your ability to function whether at work, in school, or in relationships and you are unable to stop drinking or if you make excuses for why you drink (I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I'm under stress), you have a problem.
The diagnosis isn't really very vague unless you want to deny that it fits you.
11
For the past ten or twelve years I have had a 4-5 oz glass of wine (usually red) every night with my dinner. I thought it was improtant for my health and well-being. Two years ago I learned I was diagnosed with A-fib and through all the treatments, I had a glass of wine with my dinner. I was told to drink less but disregarded the advice. My A-fib has been successfully treated but I had to work with a "sleep doctor" and he suggested that I get off 25mg of Seroquel that I had been taking for the past 6 years for sleep. That was difficult but after several months, I got off it. Then, during Lent, I decided to give up the nightly wine. My GP congratulated me - he said it was a "Neurotoxin" and I didn't need it. I must admit I feel better, with a clearer head. So much for the health benefits of nightly wine drinking.
13
As the former stepchild of someone who was a high-functioning alcoholic, I am well aware that someone can generally function- even in the workplace - but can still significantly negatively impact those around them. I still remember the references to “just one drink” (in a fishbowl-sized glass) and the family chaos that would invariably follow. I am very happy for Ms. Wartik, and wish her continued success in her recovery journey.
When alcohol consistently impacts your important interpersonal relationships, and you continue the behavior nonetheless, regardless of what you call the disorder, you have a problem with alcohol.
9
I too had developed a drinking problem despite being successful on paper but one day when I finally said enough, I started to think of “tomorrow Dana” as a real, separate person almost like a family member who I could love and do things for. I wanted to make mornings easier for “tomorrow Dana” and to treat her better. That meant not being hungover every day for work. I’m lucky I was able to make a change before it was too late.
19
Congrats to you. Keep going!
2
Well, I took that little embedded quiz and got a 4. It told me not to worry whatsoever. But my mother was a serious alcoholic-many hospitalizations, car wrecks, house fires, every relationship in her life destroyed by toxic , out of control speech and behaviors. It killed her but not soon enough. The last 10 years were terrible to behold. And yes , we tried to help, rescue, intervene for decades.
So growing up like that one always worries. A score on an alcohol use survey is peripheral. I also enjoy my nightly ritual. I stop for periods of time-either as a mindfulness exercise-it is good for that, to try to lose weight-2 months without an India pale ale recently and not a single ounce lost. Right now I'm taking a sulfa antibiotic and one does not mix them with alcohol. I'm fine with the hibiscus tea tonight. But I don't drink wine or hard liquor. I think both of those are harder on the system because they are too concentrated. Beer suits me ; they are so good in these days of craft breweries. People should quit if they want to but I don't think it is bad for everyone. Good reflection from Ms. Wartik about the dangers-ruined relationships and physical symptoms the next day are red flags.
4
Thank you for your honesty. I stopped drinking for three years, I completely divorced myself from the ritual and desire. My Dad turned 70 and I thought sharing a drink of Johnny Walker Blue would be life memory I’d regret not having. The first sip lasted an eternity, I had learned to drink like a normal person. Six months later I was drink8mg more than I had before I quit. I’m 18 months sober now with the help of AA and life has never been more vibrant and full of possibility. I’ve have one friend who had a problem and through sheer discipline taught herself to “drink like a normal person”. I hope that is you as well. I wish that I could. That said, admitting that I was and am powerless over alcohol Is not sentence but a rebirth. Whatever your course, I applaud your courage.
9
When I was young, I suffered bad anxiety and was painfully shy. I started drinking so I could talk to people and quiet my mind
When I was in college I put tremendous pressure on myself to get straight A’s. If I wasn’t studying I was drinking. I drank to deal with the stress.
After college, I told myself I drank to help me network and to help me make friends in the new state I moved to. Oh, and who doesn’t want a beer (or 5) after a hard day at work?
After I got married, I found myself sitting at my dinning room table at night, alone, looking at my phone and drinking beer. This happened a lot...
Then one night I hit me... I wasn’t drinking anymore to socialize. In fact, I usually drank alone. I wasn’t drinking to help my anxiety. In fact, it appeared to make my anxiety worse. And I wasn’t drinking to network. Having already built my book of business I rarely ever attended networking events anymore. I was drinking because I was addicted...
I woke my wife up the next morning, looked her in the face and told her I was done drinking. She started to cry. It’s been two years and not a drop. I feel so much better. I feel so much more present in the lives of my family. Best decision I ever made.
45
I am very glad that you came to this realization and made this decision for yourself—and your family. My husband’s parents struggle with alcohol use. He has a serious issue and his story is similar to yours, except he didn’t quit. He is in denial because he can stop for periods of time when he has a goal (like running a marathon) to work towards, but I think he needs professional help. His drinking alone started when I was pregnant. It continued and progressed to him hiding his level of drinking (although I would find the empty vodka bottles from which he had been swigging now and then). Ultimately, his alcohol use was a contributing factor to the breakdown of our relationship. We are separated and headed for a divorce.
1
Interesting comments.
Some say they drink a lot and it causes no problems.
Others say it ruined their lives.
I have an open mind to a certain point, although I’ve never heard children of drinkers or spouses say their parent or spouse drank a lot, and life was just terrific at home.
It often causes disfunction in family life.
But perhaps there are cases where drinkers don’t cause problems and no one complains.
Personally I don’t like drunks or their behaviour. Five minutes with a drunk is a miserable eternity.
Why on earth would a friend or spouse stick around for years?
2
My wife and I went to Slovakia last summer to find my roots. Afterward, ppl would ask how was it, what was your favorite? Easy. After a full day of touring we would go to the village square and drink Pilsner Urquell and live like the locals. It was fantastic. Will I give up beer and the connection to my fellow humans? Not having a drink with my wife? Never.
6
It takes great courage to write a column like this because alcohol dependance is still considered a weakness by many if not most people. Thank you and congratulations to you and the Times for addressing this important subject.
One pernicious aspect of falling into alcohol abuse is that many people who do so have a higher tolerance for the drug than others. So, they drink more, increasing the after effects on the body and then they need more the next day to try to overcome the abuse of the previous day.
I have long believed that the single minded approach of AA is too all or nothing. It is also modeled on the Christian idea of salvation, in this case salvation from alcohol rather than from sin generally which doesn't work for a lot of people. It requires a kind of surrender from which, it is hoped, a new person can arise.
This column, as well as recent research, recognizes there are different levels of alcohol dependence, which require varied approaches.
One more thing: if someone is addicted to heroin or opioids, we don't have a name like heroinized or opioidic, yet we label people locked into alcohol as alcoholics, as if their whole lives have been buried in alcohol. The name itself is too harsh and implies the person has disappeared.
8
The point of AA is to get a hand to help with a problem from someone who has that exact problem. Then extending their hand to the next person entering and needing help. Non alcoholics just have no credibility with a real alcoholic, no matter what.
3
I had an acute pancreatitis attack, even though I had really modified my drinking. Never want to go through that again or end up with the extreme misery of chronic pancreatitis. Quit cold, and found it wasn’t that hard. I can say that I had episodes like the writer. Started drinking at 17, beer was legal in my state. Social grease for me. At the end I was not getting sloppy, at least not very often. My only regret is that now I can afford really good wine but can’t drink it! But as the caregiver for my husband I’m glad I can’t drink because the stress would mean I’d be drunk all the time! LOL
6
"Achieving my two sober nights was always an exercise in military-level strategizing. But every Sunday, I felt virtuous. An actual alcoholic couldn’t skip any nights, I thought. But I could."
It's the obsession of the mind that makes one an alcoholic. Also notice the chronic and progressive nature of your drinking also marks of an alcoholic. Many an alcoholic can also have a drink here or there on occasion without trouble, but it's playing with fire. And dangerous not only for yourself but the millions of Times readers who look for guidance here.
9
I'm glad the author realized that alcohol led to relationship problems for her and was able to quit. It was a sad day for me a year and a half ago when I had to end a long, close friendship. I told her that I had no right to judge her and that her drinking habits were her business. But when she drank she was mean to me and told me lies. That is what ended the friendship.
9
My sobriety date is August 15, 2012. I have had nothing alcoholic to drink since that date.
I hate it.
I have no social life to speak of because the only thing that made me feel social was drinking. I don't go out with friends after work because it always involves drinking and I don't enjoy being with a happy group of drinking people when I can't drink.
The ONLY reason I don't start again is that it was so hard to stop. I went to AA meetings every single day for a year. I haven't been to a meeting since and I simply don't drink.
But I have NEVER stopped wanting to.
I never had an accident because of alcohol. No DUI. No loss of friends or problems working in nearly 25 years of drinking. Black-outs weren't part of my experience. But I drank more than I thought was good.
I just wonder how long Nancy Wartik has been sober. Maybe she will still be a happily recovering "moderate abuser of alcohol" in eight years.
If so, I'd be interested in knowing her secret.
12
Thanks for your honesty.
I too quit drinking and for 18 years was often miserable and extremely difficult to live or work with. When my first marriage ended—to a woman and with kids who never experienced me drinking, because I’d quit before the marriage began—I rejoined a fellowship of recovering alcoholics on the advice of a humble psychiatrist who guessed that I might be what some call a “dry drunk.” I did. That was 13 years ago and I still hang around those goofy clowns because it was the best decision of my life. They showed me, through their own stories, that I have a sobriety problem and that my alcohol consumption was a solution that had ceased working. I certainly had a drinking problem too. But quitting drinking never solved the greater problem.
I now wake up every day with what I like to call untreated alcoholism. There is a solution to THAT problem, the REAL problem. That problem is described in the Big Book as being always in a state of restlessness, irritability, and discontentedness—not when I’m drinking, but when I’m sober. It is the mind of the alcoholic BEFORE s/he picks up the first drink and the mere drinking problem (as opposed to sobriety problem) returns.
I stood at a turning point. Life, with or without alcohol, seemed impossible until I discovered the solution that works for me and many others I know and love. So you’re not alone. I hope this helps you find a solution that works for you.
3
Every man and woman I have ever come in contact with who had serious alcohol issues was fully running from the tangle or 'nuts and bolts' that their inner personal life ( personality ) was in flames and crashing hard onto the concrete. None of the psychiatrists not that long ago here wanted them as patients as 'they really didn't desire any change'.
It was not until my younger sister woke up in the ICU in another state with liver failure with a priest reading her 'her last rights' that she "hit her wall". That was it. This far and no further on every possible level.
What most people with alcohol abuse issues don't quite grasp back then was that there is a 'psychic structure' that puts them on this treadmill and working 70 hour weeks is or can be one them.
Good luck on your long journey...
1
Having chosen to stop drinking alcohol 25 years ago and as a partner in a law firm that has a significant divorce practice, there's a simple way of knowing if you have a serious drinking problem: Ask your spouse. If your drinking is interfering with your relationship, there's a problem to be addressed.
19
I came to the same realization when I was 32 (now 66). Drinking made it harder to cope with everyday life instead of making it easier. I chose an alcohol free lifestyle. I refused to betray myself, my soul, by ever having another drink. No. Regrets. Be. here. Now.
16
After about a year sober it finally dawned on me what lead me to my bottom. I thought I drinking too much, but I was a high-functioning, successful scientist, husband, father, son, brother, and friend. So was I *really* drinking too much? Nah. I could stop whenever. Except I couldn't. And living in that lie, in the cognitive dissonance, was absolutely destroying my psychological well being. Rotting my brain from the inside out and making my life miserable. So no more booze for me.
Thank you for sharing your story, Ms. Wartik.
456
@A Scientist my friend, who drank like you did, swore he didn't have a drinking problem, until he tried to stop.
He's biggest question is how do people deal with socializing if they don't drink?
I thought it was an odd question because I drink no alcohol at all, and love gatherings/parties.
Not all alcoholics drink 40 ouncers and sleep on a heating grate.
17
@A Scientist The truth is, except very, very light/occasional drinker, almost no one can "stop whenever", no matter what they say. That's because - wait for it - it's an addictive substance! And one that is approved of and pushed at every moment (if recent Coors commercials are to be believed - even in the shower!) and every social or professional event. I'm a scientist too, and I'm surprised how surprised I was to realize that when one uses an addictive substance regularly, one becomes addicted. ANYone.
11
There is an old and useful definition of alcoholism as losing the ability to control one's drinking. Going out for a couple of drinks and coming home when the bar closes is a simple illustration. Unfortunately that is the definition of Alcoholics Anonymous, "We alcoholics are men and women who lost the ability to control our drinking." For some reason being a "heavy drinker" or a drunk is more palatable than being an alcoholic. However you identify, what are you doing to ameliorate your problem? Remember what Joe Louis said about Max Schmeling, "You can run but you can't hide."
4
This January 16 was 2 years since my wife and I stopped drinking. You can’t realize how good you’ll feel until you stop. My wife’s manicurist commented on how much better her nails looked after only 1 month off of alcohol. I have repaired relationships with people that I’d treated cruelly.
I’m more patient, sleep better, 15 lbs lighter, and burden free with no need to drink. I regard alcohol as poison.
34
I was like the writer except I eventually leveled up to a bottle a wine a night. I haven’t had a drink for almost a year. It was one conversation I had with my new therapist. She said she could help me with my PTSD but not until I quit drinking. She gave me something better than drinking and I haven’t looked back. I’m sending everyone who wants to quit the idea that there’s something you want to do more than drink.
27
I know I drink too much, but I am unable to figure out a way to drink less. No one in my family or friends knows the extent of the problem because I've hidden it so well. My alcoholism has not been public -- the stumbles and falls and embarrassment have been outside of what is available to others, even close family. Even my husband who is an "early to.bed, early to rise" guy. He has no idea how much I drink after he retires. I want to get on the road to recovery but doing so will admit to family and friends that I have a problem that they weren't aware of. I need help but am afraid to ask or pursue it. Thank you, Nancy, your honesty. I hope that I have the same courage.
73
I think you might be more than a little surprised to know that your family and friends do know.
Alcoholism is a family disease. We are the center of the tornado that destroys everything in its path. When we stop drinking, fissures begin to heal and our loved ones can stop worrying.
I speak from personal experience. I have over 21 years of the greatest years in my life as a sober woman.I wasted years hiding and lying to my children, friends, employer.
I attend AA meetings on a regular basis and hear solutions for problems that I carried, alone, for those many years.
Is life perfect? Of course not. Life is life. But...I can be troubled, go to a meeting, and still have the difficulty, but leave feeling lighter.
I’m not a religious person, but have no problem with AA’s emphasis on spirituality. It is, after all, my choice to believe what I want to believe, and AA supports that.
I wish you well in your struggles. One day at a time, there is a solution.
21
Look up the Sinclair method using naltrexone. It stopped the compulsive need to drink daily for me (and many others) and made giving up alcohol easy.
4
Have a conversation with your husband. He might surprise you - he most likely knows exactly how much you are drinking after he retires for the night. He most likely would love to have this conversation with you but is unsure how to open the door for discussion. If your drinking is something you feel the need to hide from family & friends, it means that you are quietly carrying around a load of shame & guilt and that is a heavy burden.
If you aren't ready to have the conversation with your husband yet, see a therapist, a psychologist - even a priest or pastor - someone who you can open up to about will help pull the weight of your burdens off your shoulders. Then, have a conversation with your husband. When we silently carry shame or guilt (of any kind - not just drinking issues) around, that has an impact on our personal relationships as well. Until you can share your thoughts and concerns about the amount you drink with your husband, you're giving both the alcohol AND the *secret* power over you and your relationship. And when you have that conversation you will likely have a husband who already knew the secret & is ready to help you take control. Honesty, communication & respect are the foundations for great marriages.
I wish you all the best.
11
Great article that illustrates how difficult it is for people to honestly assess their own drinking and its impact. Several of the article mentioned I read previously - esp. The Lancet one -- and it was somewhat shocking to see the number of commenters who used every possible reason to rationalize that their beloved alcohol could not be dangerous.
I am no teetotaler myself but drink only a few times a year. I cook with wine and my family has both made and collected wine. However, we are under no illusions the negative impact it can have for some individuals. My brilliant, handsome uncle -- whom I never met -- lost his life to alcohol.
As an MD, I'd also advise readers to be careful with the amounts they drink over time because as you get older, medications, other diseases developed, and changes in metabolism will make you more vulnerable to alcohol's effects. Among other issues, drinking is a risk factor for cognitive decline, osteoporosis, and falls.
20
Just finishing “dry January” and feel great. Not sure where this is headed. Maybe “dry February”?
27
i was on a 30-day no sugar/no carbs (thus no alcohol) diet last April.... as i slowly started adding things back to my diet after the month.... i just kept leaving alcohol out. Am getting close to April again now.... still haven’t had any alcohol. feeling great. i had many many many many years of great drinking — but change is good. drink coffee. drink soda water and fresh lime. drink more coffee. it’s been a challenge for sure.... but totally doable.... especially as i began feeling so much better. i wondered today if i’d even like the feeling anymore. thought that was a good thing to wonder.
keep it going, Michael. it’s not that big of a deal to not drink. i’m a musician and am around it all the time, week after week. i have had zero issues with people being weird about it. i only talk about it if someone asks. it’s not uncommon for me to be at bars and hang out with everyone after shows and just drink soda and lime with the best of’em. easy breezy.
7
Congratulations, Michael. Yours is one of the most meaningful and important comments here. “Where is this going?” With respect to drinking, tomorrow doesn’t matter. Celebrate and commit to “dry today!”
1
@Michael Fitzgerald I did too. I'll do February if u do!!
For an alcoholic, like me, there’s no in between. I simply don’t drink and attend AA.
Funniest thing I ever heard at an AA meeting was when someone said, “If I could drink like a normal person, I’d drink all the time.”
That’s the perverse logic of alcoholism. But there is a solution.
33
I drank my first drink in '68 out of curiosity and was transformed. It took away my fears and self loathing and gave me a euphoria I'll never forget.
I attended my first AA meeting in 1980 after a series of binges that frightened me. My sobriety didn't last long and for the next 33 years I vacillated between white knuckled dry periods and attempts at controlled drinking. Control was always short lived.
The dry periods got shorter and the binges grew longer. I went from a six figure income to homelessness and suicide seemed my only option. During weeks in treatment centers I maintained that I only occasionally drank too much. My real problem was psychological--the result of growing up in a abusive alcoholic home. I just needed the right psyche med. My self delusion astonishes me.
Then I read about myself in a book called Dying for a Drink it became clear that it's impossible for me to control and enjoy my drinking once I start and I've been unable to live without that coping system until I recognize the real problem and embraced the AA way of life.
AA is not the only road to recovery but it has replaced alcohol in my life and made life worth living.
50
Like this article- many people think there are varying degrees of alcoholism. There are not.
An alcoholic, and I am one, is someone obsessed with the next drink, and that next drink is only the first one. Its that simple.
I'm an alcoholic. Screw the stigma. I'm getting help.
42
@steve m There is no stigma. Some may envy you your courage, but nobody - nobody - will think the less of you. Good luck.
1
@Bill Prange thank you for the kind words Bill
As a man who has enjoyed the flavor of delicious wine since I was a child, the author described in the first paragraph a person who was controlled by alcohol and a problem drinker. Any time a substance, whether food, drink, smoke, hobby, relationship controls a person and makes that person feel not good then it is time to tame it and take strong action.
The author's story is clear to me that she should heed the lessons learned for the rest of her life and not indulge in alcohol because it is not good for her.
On the other hand I learned very young that I had no interest in drinking either a drink that did not taste good whether hard liquor or soda pop (both of which I do not like). Also after a modest amount of wine, it simply does not taste quite as good so I stop.
Moderation has left me without hangovers, inebriation and regrets. Also, because the alcohol never reaches a level that I have been affected in my behavior I have no regrets about actions either. I feel blessed to have the enjoyment without a price to be paid afterward, but I know that there are people for whom any amount of alcohol, drugs, gambling, collecting, etc is too much.
13
Two people I've been very close to during my life became impossible to be around due to the convergence of alcohol use and other issues. In both cases alcohol "loosened them up" and allowed them to be charming, outgoing and dynamic, but in both cases that loosening up then progressed to them being abusive, paranoid and violent. It seemed that the "empowering" or "self-medicating" effects of the alcohol became central to their sense of security or self-esteem, while ironically undermining those very things, along with their relationships with many people, especially those closest to them. One thing in this article that resonated strongly with me was the idea that, insofar as alcohol leads you to wreck your relationships with others, including partners and children, then that is a real problem regardless of what name one applies to it. In my experience that is definitely a useful measure of how much is too much.
11
I lost my husband 14 years ago, from massive heart attack ., and diabetes, all caused by alcohol. He was the typical function alcoholic. Usually they don’t drink every day , but when they take the first glass of beer or whatever, they don’t know how to Stop. This a serious disease.,I think about this sad disease every day and feel terrible when I see people drinking too much. Unfortunately it kills you fast , like did for my 46 yo husband. It’s sad to lose a love one, and Terrible when you have two daughters, 14yo, and 19yo at the time. They’re doing wonderful, Thanks God, but they missing their father very much, it’s sad. It was late when he tried to stop , getting help with his Cardiologist. If you can help someone do it. You’re making a difference.
20
The hardest thing ever is realizing you can’t save an alcoholic just as you can’t cure somebody’s cancer. There’s treatment, but if they don’t/can’t get there because of genetics, false pride, insanity, you name it, you have to let them go. He died 5 years ago living in his mother’s basement at age 47. I miss him every day. My heart breaks for anyone trying to cope with this brutal disease. Good to read this column from someone who found a path to wellness.
5
maybe some people can drink a bit and be okay even if they have a "drinking problem". many people can not do so.
AA helps people to lead a happy, joyous and free life without any alcohol. some people seemingly can not do this or simply do not want to do so. some of these people have mental problems or can not be honest with themselves. they seem to have been born that way. they are not bad people. they continue to drink and if they are alcoholics they will die an early death or end up in an institution. that is the way it is since man learned to crush grapes.
4
Yikes, I woke up yesterday morning feeling exactly the same way as you did as you stated in your first paragraph. I told myself that this is it; I had to quit. I have never considered myself an alcoholic, but lately, after drinking with a group of friends, I have realized that something is wrong. I feel bad physically, I can't remember conversations, and I am generally mad at myself. But, like you, I have a very active social life, and I can't imagine going out with my friends and not drinking. I gave up smoking when I became pregnant with my first child, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I can't bear the thought of not having another glass of wine. But you really hit a nerve. Thanks so much for your honesty. I hope I can do the same.
57
@Isabel It's interesting to how much impact one's social circle has on drinking. Growing up and even now, I have various circles of friends I enjoy doing things with - hiking, cooking, reading, playing music -- but for whatever reason, alcohol was/is never a big factor in those activities. There might be the occasional 6-pack or glass of wine but it is not given any more attention than the non-alcoholic drinks, which are always available at the activities I participate in. There has been no social pressure to drink either. It makes me think that finding friends, activities, and settings where alcohol is not a big part of things can help those with problems on their way to quitting. When I was younger and shyer, it never occurred to me to use alcohol to losen up; rather I read up on how better to socialize.
4
Very well said. Socializing without drinking is hard. I have no trouble controlling myself and I have not said anything I regret after graduating from let’s say grad school, 25 years ago. I rarely have a headache or any other side effects from my one glass of wine a night. So, I don’t know if I even have an alcohol problem, but I feel it would be ultimately healthier to not drink. Then again, I really like that relaxing feel...
1
@Karen B. I honestly think that one glass of wine a night is perfectly fine, even good. I'm finding that it's when I'm at a party that I don't count my drinks. Therefore, I've disappointed myself. But I must say that I do associate with women who drink. We are all retired and it's part of our ritual. I think it's a good thing. But I have to learn to say no after a drink or two. I don't think I want to quit, just be more aware of how much I'm ingesting. Thanks so much to you and ms for discussing this with me.
3
Alcohol is an addictive dangerous substance - its toxic. For some the trade off in mood altering is worth it. It would never be approved as a drug. Lancet's assertion that there is no safe level of consumption of alcohol is something to give serious consideration.
18
That's a pleasant story, but it nevertheless tiresomely suggests that stopping drinking is a matter of willpower and current supports. Many people have "self-medicated" deep historical, childhood-stage emotional pain and "failure to launch" from their mid-teens. Ten, twenty, thirty years later, to cease drinking would be to crash back to this first pain, darkness and failure -- an almost impossible state. They would need the deepest kind of therapy, not just willpower and support.
18
This was me! I’ve been alcohol free for five weeks and it’s the best experience ever. I should have done this a long time ago. It was impossible to moderate. I never ever thought that giving up alcohol was an option for me. Then, I read Sober Diaries by Claire Pooley and Quit Drinking Easily by Jason Vale. That was that.
Sober benefits for me include:
More money - about $500 a month from not buying more groceries than I need so I can “cover” all the wine I was drinking
Skin refreshed
Sleep is fantastically improved - I get right back to sleep if I wake up in the middle of the night vs. tossing and turning
Lost 7 pounds!
Less moody, happier, less anxious
Much improved family relationships
Can respond intelligently to work emails at night
No stupid actions or misgivings
No waking up at 2AM ashamed, guilty and mortified by my behavior
No hiding bottles of wine, pretending I’ve only had a glass instead of more than a bottle.
Once I read and realized how dangerous drinking is, I had no problem stopping. Moderating and excessive drinking was the problem. Like the author, I’m reading booze lit, listening to recovery podcasts, participating in recovery communities online, and speaking to a therapist. I am grateful I stopped when I did.
39
@Judith
You'll drink again.. But don't beat yourself up when you do...
1
@Aaron You don't me at all. Once I give up something, that's it. Good luck to you.
Hi Nancy, and thanks for your honesty. As a recovering alcoholic, honesty becomes a way of life.
I also suggest you check out AA. Only you can say if you’re an alcoholic, but your story leaves little to doubt in my opinion. Any pleasures you now enjoy from not drinking will increase exponentially once you join AA. You will make new friends and your horizons will expand in new and wonderful ways.
And don’t be concerned about the “religious” aspect of AA. We’re neutral on religion, and all for a self-discovered spirituality.
I wish you well, whatever you decide.
246
@HeyJoe
Well put HeyJoe. If you think alcohol is a problem, its a problem. No one who is not an 'alcoholic' continually takes alcohol tests in magazines or tries differant ways to cut back.
I've been in recovery for 22 years and it literally keeps getting better every day. I'm glad the author is not closing the door
on AA: its the road map out.
28
@HeyJoe As we may know, a term in AA, "Contempt prior to investigation" is a commonly heard term among experienced people, who seek help in AA meetings. People seeking help and recovery, who may not yet understand deep inside, the role that AA can provide, may continue to be more vulnerable than they realize, living a life outside of the program. For one thing, sober non alcoholic friends will tend not to fully understand the pain and the terror that was addressed with alcohol. Help tends to run both ways in AA, folks contribute to each other's recovery. Dependency upon something is a powerful common denominator, whether we seek help, or reach into the cabinet for more fuel to put out the fire.
15
@HeyJoe ditto that. I can attest to the non-religious approach of AA. Spiritual growth yes. Dogma no. All free of charge. Smartest move I ever made.
24
The hardest part about giving up alcohol is the realization that it’s everywhere. It’s at every party, social function, gallery opening, music festival. For those who struggle with alcohol, a simple dinner with friends is filled with land mines.
14
@Michelle It really does also seem bizarrely true that when you tell people that you're not drinking, quite a few seem to be disturbed, if not kind of angry, that you're not joining them--even if you go out of your way not to seem in the least bit judgmental about those who are enjoying their alcohol. That's something I really don't understand.
11
@Michelle Perhaps this sound flip but my suggestion would be find new friends and new activities. Really, friends who make you feel bad for trying to become healthier just aren't worth it. People give in to social pressure too easily. (Conversely, I had a friend who smoked and he actually cited being around us who did n't smoke as a supportive factor in his quitting.)
I know for the social circles I'm around, there has never been pressure to drink and in fact, there are always non-alcoholic drinks available.
5
Years ago I read an analysis of the effect of alcohol that said it was the one common intoxicant that allowed you to eliminate all other thoughts in your mind except one. Picture the drunk in the bar hanging over you telling you over and over again how beautiful you are, how he loves you, please come home with me, etc. and he is a guy who wouldn't look twice at you if he were sober. That kind of monomaniacal.
I think that alcohol can allow people to stop obsessing on other things and think about happy things in their life. It really helps with my insomnia, where I would lie in bed for hours churning my thoughts.
I am surprised that the author, who recites falling off bar stools, getting into fights, betraying confidences, and in general acting like a jerk, didn't think she had a problem. She did.
2
Sober thirty five years . Took the test in the article and it diagnosed me as alcohol dependent , which I already knew . Took a BAC test years ago that had a wheel that you set for the number of drinks you normally drank . The wheel didn’t go up to my level lol . “ Getting rid “ of the alcohol is one of the best things I ever did .
11
Sorry but: Big deal. Happy for you but seriously, is this news worthy? To be honest you seem like you love hearing yourself talk and love describing all the liquor you drank. It sounds like you were an irresponsible, obnoxious alcoholic and now you think your really special because you quit. Glad you quit. Stop bragging about how cool you were when you drank. Get over yourself. Everyone loves to talk about how much they drank and this piece is a thinly disguised example of that. Again, glad your sober. Stay strong, enjoy life Keep things private. Your not that special Don’t act like a teenager bragging about how cool you were because you drank
11
@U.S. Citizen Being sober in that first year or two for some people is a particularly bright shiny object. It's a little like some new first-time parents seemingly fixated on relating stories of the unique wonder of little baby Josie/Joey. Kind of hard to believe. Both sobriety and babies seem to be miraculous gifts, and they are. Having been in both categories, it's one good reason for ex-drinkers and new parents to hang out together (respectively, that is)--in our support groups we can bore one another with impunity.
12
She wasn’t bragging....this kind of account can help others who are trying to quit. Why be so harsh?
37
Wow how dry and emotionless can this terse response be? It sounds like words emanating from someone who has a bitter memory lurking in the background. I was raised by two people who orbited around substance dependence in one form or another throughout their time on earth. Their fears, weakness and inability to overcome this sad fact left an indelible mark on their three kids. It is not an issue that can the reductively viewed in light of all the individual variables surrounding each person, family and friends. Maybe the person who wrote this might do well to try a compassionate perspective: It is miraculous and does wonders for everyone affected by someone who’s addiction has robbed them of some part of feeling in sync with the world.
15
I saw myself in a friend who said she thought she had her drinking under control because she never drank before 9pm:
“But for most of the day I couldn’t take my eyes off the clock, waiting for 9pm to roll around.”
8
Thanks for writing this ... I had a problem for years and can relate to everything you said! I finally stopped drinking, 10 years ago now and am so so much better off.
11
Glad you figured it out. But it’s not just alcohol, it’s how the drug combines with your personality and character. Your work has just begun.
8
"Chronic relapsing brain disease." Psychobabble bunk. If it's a true brain disease show me the biological markers. Addiction of any sort is an attempt by the addict to change one's current reality. I speak as a person addicted to alcohol for 20 years who has been completely abstinent now for over 30 years. And "moderate use disorder"? Is that like being a little pregnant?
1
Substance use disorder does actually change your brain.
Tonight, is my 32nd night sans alcohol. I participated in the Dry January program that originated out of the UK. I’m a wine drinker and really didn’t start “drinking” until I was in my 40’s. Lately though, I could sip through a bottle of wine in a few hours a night. My workplace sent out the info on the Dry January challenge and I decided I should do this. I never felt I had a problem with alcohol - but the first week was torture! After 2 weeks alcohol free. I was sleeping better, had more energy, no more under eye swelling and improved memory! I needed to evaluate my relationship with drinking and I am so glad I did!
There are programs one can download to help you with moderating/eliminating drinking from your life. I’m not saying I won’t enjoy a cocktail or a glass of wine in the future, but I like me a lot better now and love how I feel!
22
I hope you stay with it.
9
Stick with it, Nancy. You have to abstain long enough to forget the pleasure of it. For me it took about 5 years. But I always remember—you can never go back.
11
I recently celebrated my 19th anniversary of sobriety. Although I have issues with many of AA’s precepts and am put off by its Christian orientation, I go to AA meetings once a week because I commune with women who share and understand alcoholism and who offer unconditional support of my sobriety, I urge anyone who wants to stop drinking to give AA a try. It is entirely possible to do AA on the cafeteria plan; use what helps you and disregard or even challenge the rest. You will still be welcome.
21
As someone with 10+ years of sobriety, I can attest to all you are going through Nancy. For many of us afflicted with substance use disorder, we live in a constant state of feeling hopeless against the disease. Everyone makes their way out of the darkness differently, and far too many never do. It is only through sharing our experiences openly, and without shame, that we will make the necessary progress to remove the stigma of this illness in society.
I would encourage you to continue to use your platform to advocate against societal stigma that addiction is a weakness or a moral failing (One need look no further than the comments in the thread to see evidence of this attitude). At best, stigma magnifies the feelings of isolation and helplessness that feed addiction's vicious cycle. At worst, and in aggregate, it prevents the development and funding of harm reduction and support programs we need to combat the disease.
Finally, while I too am of the ilk that 'AA is not for me' we need embrace all paths to recovery. AA is not the only game in town (SmartRecovery, Rational Recovery, are sparsely known alternatives, for example). I'd encourage again the use of your platform to educate and inform on this topic. On any given day you could be saving a life.
17
I drink too much and I drink too frequently. Your experience is not unique enough to merit an op-ed in the nyt. Try suffering something worse than a hangover and tell me how it shaped your life.
3
The point is exactly that—they’re NOT unique. There are many of them, of us, who are not exactly drunks, but perilously close. And it’s unhealthy.
25
Hopefully, one day you will accomplish something that will make you feel better about yourself and more positively-disposed toward other human beings.
6
I applaud your insight and willingness to continue to work through your relationship with alcohol. Confronting that or any other uncomfortable feelings is often really challenging and usually takes a great deal of soul searching.
Your willingness to share your story on such a large stage speaks volumes about your strength and character. Congratulations and good luck!
11
The confessional alcohol essay/book by newly sober has become a tired cliche & this one adds little to the genre.
7
Maybe so but it sure helped me and I would wager many many others.
37
it was helpful to me.
12
Must be nice to speak for every reader of this essay.
5
I really appreciate this essay and applaud the author for sharing. As a 59 year old woman I still enjoy the drink but there's no way I could imbibe like I did in my 30s. I'm also much more selective in what I drink, actually I'm down to one brand of dry english cider.
The one thing I do, have done for years tho, is always drink water when I'm drinking, no matter the cocktail. And I always make sure to eat a good dinner. My blood panels are great.
10
My father, a former Air Force pilot, excellent writer, and apparently very talented self-taught musician, was also a raging and very violent alcoholic who jumped to his death when I was 5. He already had severe cirrhosis. My son's grandfather on his father's side was also a rather vicious alcoholic.
I came VERY close myself. I drank pretty much every day from my 20's on, and I drank a LOT, day and night. It seemed that everyone I knew did, but I believe I took it further. Once you ask yourself if you might be an alcoholic, you're already in trouble.
I did not drink a drop when I was pregnant with my son. Once he was born, I generally waited until nighttime to drink, but once I got started I drank a lot. In our genteel neighborhood, the parents would sit together on the stoops of our brownstones and get trashed on decent wine while our children played.
I finally stopped drinking altogether for about 8 years. I didn't like my son seeing me that way. Now I drink very occasionally, and fortunately no longer enjoy inebriation as I used to.
When my son was about to go to college, I reminded him over and over that alcoholism runs in the family on both sides. I told him that if he drank at all, he should keep it to one or two glasses--and that if he couldn't stop at that, he should stop altogether. I also told him that if he felt he needed to choose a substance, he should stick to cannabis (he's in a legal state, and is now 21). So far, so good.
Thank you for this honest piece.
17
Thank you so much for gracefully tackling the "grey area" between normal, functioning adult and depraved alcoholism. I stopped drinking six years ago, and my life changed rapidly and for the better. That regained self-confidence you speak of quickly fills the void that the alcohol never could. Addiction has become so stigmatized in our society that people think their only option once they've identified they have a problem is to attach the label of "addict" or "alcoholic" to themselves. There's a whole middle road between normal and addict, and one that can become problematic for many people. If you're allergic to shrimp, and shrimp makes your throat swell up, you're probably not going to eat shrimp. Why can't it be as simple as that in regards to alcohol?
15
Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. I subsequently grew up in a home where alcohol was not allowed. My Southern Baptist parents made it clear that alcohol was a sin. Well, my friends’ parents drank beer and wine at dinner and I didn’t see the big deal. I thought my parents were crazy.
So when I got to college, after living under this Puritanical regime for 18 years, I started drinking. Why wouldn’t beer and wine give me a buzz like it gave my friends? Why did I need straight whisky? Well, according to ancestry.com, it has something to do with Scotland LOL. Point is, I realized that my parents were so adamantly opposed to having alcohol in the house because they knew that they carried this predisposition to become alcoholics.
When I did the ancestry.com DNA thing, I learned that I am a carrier for hemochromatosis, which is an iron disorder that mainly erodes the liver and leads to premature death if left untreated. One grandfather lived to nearly 90 and the other died at 68 with cirrhosis. Why does alcohol affect people so differently? I have often wondered if hemochromatosis is what caused my dad’s dad to develop cirrhosis when mom’s dad didn’t.
Anyway, I think the gist of the alcohol story is that some people just can’t drink in moderation due to genetic differences. It’s why I don’t touch the hard stuff anymore. A glass of wine now and then for the heart, but keep that whisky away from me. Freedom and whisky gang together, true. But so does cirrhosis and whisky.
7
As a third generation alcoholic, I stopped drinking when it dawned on me that my two children observed and emulated my behavior. Conversations have been held to discuss genetic predisposition, personal experience, negative impact to finite # of brain cells, and that alcohol is not your friend. Fingers & toes remain crossed that my young men successfully navigate this challenge.
Kudos to the author for realizing the problem and stopping drinking. A hard thing to do. Sobriety seems to get easier over time.
23
I've been alcohol free for 17 months and very proud of it! I learned that alcohol has ZERO benefits and for women, even one drink can raise the risk of breast cancer. I had a lump removed last April, benign but complicated, meaning that there may be more and they may not be so complicated as the first. I wish more women understood the health risks of drinking. No, it doesn't ease anxiety; it actually makes it worse in the long run. No, it doesn't help you sleep. But, the alcohol industry is continuing to push a narrative that alcohol is safe and healthy to drink in moderation. It's all just a lie.
22
I drink about two glasses of wine per day: one with my lunchtime sandwich and one with dinner. I regard it as part of my diet. Pasta without red wine seems like a miserable idea. But I am enrolled in the idea of health and fitness, and bombarded as it seems that I am by reports that say any amount of alcohol is bad, I am vaguely contemplating giving it away. I'm thinking beetroot juice might be a red wine substitute. Haven't worked out the calculus yet. Do I give up a pleasure that doesn't involve any downside that I actually experience to cause an unknown reduction in the probability that I'll have health issues if I don't?
I haven't the slightest interest in getting drunk.
2
There are some good alcohol-free wine and beer choices out there now.
1
How about the drink problem in Universities? Many tragedies happened inside the buildings, parties, and continue for life after that. The statistics is overwhelming. It’s hard to prevent, but avoiding environment where alcohol is constantly around, would help little.
12
First, thank you for your candor. The resource links you provided look very helpful. I am 60 days sober, and while I'm physically feeling the benefits, I'm also painfully aware of how easy it would be to surrender to the urge for a drink, which has never been where I've stopped. Over the decades, I was able to convince myself that my higher level of functioning meant I wasn't an alcoholic because I hadn't hit "rock bottom" but in my heart I knew better. With the links to support and therapy I'll have a much better chance for success in leaving alcohol in my past where it belongs.
30
Good luck!
2
Good for you Kate. Self awareness is the first step out of addiction, and you’ve got it!
2
Thanks for your honesty. You did yourself a big favor. I heard in the rooms recently, If you are trying to control your drinking, then you have no control over it. Alcohol is fun, until it isn't, and by then it may consume you. Been sober 18 months after 30 plus years of drinking. Wishing you serenity in your recovery.
16
alcohol is often the symptom and not the disease. once the underlying psychological problems are solved the connection is broken and a healthy life ensues.
3
Kudos to you Nancy! A much, much better path to be on, as you well know and I'm sure your article will be an inspiration to others. I wish all the best as you continue to move forward. Shine on!
13
My wife can drink a glass of wine and she's okay. Two and she's a monster but doesn't admit it. she will not get help, and seems to deny she has a problem. I would like to send her this article but am fairly confident she'll explode. what are those around the drinker to do? I drink almost nothing. But one drink or four, I just get sleepier and happier including the next day.
8
Your wife is lucky that you care so much.
There are groups such as Al-Anon and others, some online, that support families and friends of those who are addicted.
Also, perhaps getting advice from a counselor on the best way to help given your particular situation and supports such as family, friends, etc. Best wishes.
12
You may want to discuss Naltrexone with her. It’s a great drug that helps many people.
1
Please reach out to Al-Anon.
I used to drink excessively in college. And then one night, I drank so much I didn't remember how I got home or how I ended up with bruises on my body. I had no recall of being attacked.
That memory loss and its aftereffects terrified me. While I have an equal amount of fear and respect for alcohol and joke about drinking, in all honesty, I have never had another drink since that night, over 50+ years ago.
26
Nice, thoughtful article, I have been sober almost 12 years and the author is right, overall life gets better every day.
19
Alcohol consumption is about getting a buzz on and it is all down hill from there.
8
Well done and congratulations on acting upon your insight. That stuff can very easily take over your life, and you've saved yourself. Many can't. Thanks for the honesty.
197
I stopped drinking when I was pregnant with my first daughter. That was 33 years ago. I never looked back. I know I have the gene for alcohol abuse and I didn’t want to go there.
6
...”the soft scrim that drops between me and reality”... beautiful and perfect. Bravo.
11
I can think of more reasons why people drink in excess than not.
5
"We do not like to pronounce any individual as alco-
holic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step
over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled
drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it."
Alcoholics Anonymous, (The Big Book)
First Published in 1939
Chapter 3, More About Alcoholism, pages 31-32
Alcoholics Anonymous has helped countless people all over the world recover from their drinking problem. AA meetings are free and the AA Big Book is cheap (free at some meetings), anyone who thinks they might have a drinking problem should check it out, afterall it certainly can't hurt.
11
I'm not an alcoholic; I just don't have much self-control about anything I like. I've cut back to a few beers a week but I can't quit until Trump is gone. I already quit social media because every time I'd drink a beer I'd type out and delete posts that would get me visited by the Secret Service. Once he's voted out (okay let's not kid ourselves, America and this timeline are too stupid for him to not be reelected) or finally has that fateful encounter with his golden throne, I can finally give my liver a break but until then reality is too awful to not drink.
17
@MAC I used the same logic w/ Bush II. There will always be an external thing to blame.
6
If I may politely say - Trump being in office is even more of a reason not to drink. I wouldn’t give any power to Trump - nor should you. We proud “Never Trumpers” need to say strong and sober. It’s the best way to work towards defeating him.
2
@MAC
Denial is not the river in Africa.
I knew a very rich and famous screenwriter who was alcoholic
he composed drunk ,never on a typewriter but hiring stenographers to transpose to paper what he spoke as dialog when "writing" he did this drunk ,could never work sober.
I asked him what did alcohol do for him and his creativity ,his reply was that it helped him "with the swing of his bi polar disease".
6
14 days I've gone without a drink. Just taking a break, I told myself. Tonight I felt it was high time to finish the half-bottle of tequila I've got stashed under the sink. Then I read your article. Think I'll go for another 14 days sober instead. Thanks.
136
@Jay Gee
Best of luck, you can do it! As trite as it sounds, taking it one day at a time really helps. Try drinking mineral water with bitters or ginger beer (Fever Tree is my favorite) with fresh squeezed lime when you find yourself craving something fun to drink. Your body and brain are healing, the longer you abstain.
20
@Jay Gee The thirty day mark is going to feel really good.
@Jay Gee Good call. Best of luck to you.
Always thought alcoholics were the "Sheeple" of the drug world. The "Norm's" choice of escape. The "boring transcenders".
When asking drinkers why they don't like pot they usually say "makes me think too much"- which is what they need more of I think. They don't like facing themselves.
Drinkers usually combine it with work colleagues, are "over-achievers" and don't like the pot smokers perceived "idleness" and "non go getting". They often like also like cocaine for this reason.
Marijuana does all the things the author wanted. Naturally effects the cannabinoid section of the brain to relieve stress, bring euphoria, thoughtfulness to oneself, others, and surroundings. It often brings creativity and compassion. All the opposite of alcohol and the "competors" who can gravitate toward it.
If one can actually get addicted to pot it would have none of the bad outcomes the author had, in my experience.
And it costs less.
7
I’ve been a heavy drinker. I still enjoy pot, though not as much as I used to when I was young, thanks to respiratory problems. The main difference for me between the two is that marijuana is more fun alone or with one or two people and alcohol is more fun when in a group or crowd. Neither is perfect, but marijuana is definitely healthier overall.
3
Read chapter two of David Foster Wallace’s _Infinite Jest_ for a perfect (and hilarious) description of the enslaved pot smoker. It’s an exaggerated parody, but spot on. Just like alcohol, pot for some is a debilitating drug. The substance is never the issue. The issue is some individuals’ inability to face life without some kind of frequent and even constant mental distortion through chemical means.
10
@Robert
Thank you for your response. It doesn't matter what the substance is; what matters is the individual's inability to face life without it. Pot can be addictive for some people, just as alcohol or any other drug.
2
People who like to drink and do it a lot and don't feel like it's a problem good on you! It boils down to an honest assessment of how one feels about drinking when there is a habitual, unhealthy amount of over drinking in someone's life, as was the case with me. I went to treatment and joined AA. AA is full of problems but there are people there like me (atheist/agnostic) who find each other and develop friendships that are deep and meaningful. There is safety in numbers. Years later, no drinking for a decade, I don't miss it at all. Life is much nicer on this side of the tracks. I have friends who over drink and call me to say things like "I need to cut down" or who do Dryuaray. I stopped completely. I don't worry about it. I don't know which is worse. Getting so bad you need treatment, but stopping altogether and living life without it or the slow agony that comes with the inability to put it down when you know it's not good for you. Actually I do know which is worse and that would be to continue to allow it to drag me around like a ball and chain. I take a life without alcohol any day.
5
Whatdoyaknow. I had a drinking problem that no one else knew about, I went on the wagon, I lived happily ever after. Wow, that was easy.
4
I know I have a problem but I have never admitted it to anybody not even myself. So I go on pretending it doesn’t exist but now I don’t buy anything to keep at home, I drink when I go out, yes I drink less but obviously I have a problem......
12
10/10/2013
Best decision i ever made.
I used AA. Stopped going after about 15 months.
Help is available. You're not the only one.
9
A mentor at work once told me when I was at a vulnerable age, "If you're having to ask yourself questions about how much you're drinking, you're probably drinking too much." This worked pretty well as a personal yardstick for me during the 80s and 90s, when I was young and more prone to excess and still serves me well at 61.
10
All I can say is, if you think you drink too much, go to AA. You will find a surprising amount of support, friendship, anecdotal wisdom, joy, and loads of helpful hints on restarting your life without alcohol. Not only is AA an incredible community resource (contributions are minimal and voluntary), it is a path to a new life in sobriety. Sobriety is not merely about being "ok" about not drinking, it is about finding true joy and gratitude in each day. AA gets a lot of negative and lukewarm press because members are supposed to be anonymous at the level of press radio and film. But wherever you live, AA has helped more of your neighbors than you realize.
18
We are everwhere!
1
As with almost any article in the subject the vast majority of comments will congratulate the author on giving up and then relate their own history of alcohol abuse and castigate others who continue to ‘use’ alcohol.
I drink not to get drunk but because I enjoy drinking wine, good wine, and rank sipping a good IPA one of life’s most pleasurable experiences. I might overdo it on occasion but in general I, me personally I don’t speak for anyone else, I feel none the worse the next day.
There is a middle way between boozehound and sobriety, not for some that’s true, so it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
6
Happy for some of us alcohol is an all or nothing and we are just better at taking a good hard look at our consumption. We all know who we are and there’s no shame to our game. I know myself and I’m just happier without my struggle. If I could be moderate I would.
11
I would be curious how old
You are, consumption and it’s
Related habits creep and
change over time.
4
Nope. Not read any of those comments.
I think the definition of "alcohol use disorder" (aka alcoholism) is simply can you stop after one drink. Can you, for example have a beer or a glass of wine with dinner and be done for the night? A lot of people can go days without a drink but when they have one they can't stop until they fall asleep. If you can't stop than the alcohol is controlling you and you have a problem.
17
Many thanks for your candor. One has a serious drinking problem when one's drinking causes serious problems, and when one cannot readily stay stopped.
Four days ago, Monday, January 27, 2020, was my 43rd anniversary of recovery from alcoholism, which started in 1977.
Now it's a long suit as I'm actively helping to de-stigmatize chemical addiction.
20
Mine was Dec.17, 1976. That was a different person a long, long time ago. The most important accomplishment of my life.
4
I’m always amazed by the people who are super preachy about only eating organic/gluten free/all natural/vegan etc for healthy reasons, but then drink A LOT (and sometimes drugs).
18
I stopped drinking when I started my radiation and chemotherapy. My treatments ended 2 years ago. Now cancer and alcohol free, I couldn’t even dream of having alcohol in any form. It’s pure sugar, fuel for cancer, bloating, and takes a chunk out of your wallet. Let it go.
22
@Marko Polo
Sure is. Congratulations on your recovery from cancer and being alcohol free. You sound really strong.
1
I finally gave up pretending I didn't have a problem with alcohol after i fell and broke my wrist, this was the wake up call I needed after many tries at quitting. I know have a scar where the Doctors put in a plate to remind myself what alcohol has done to me and btw I was also a moderate drinker in the beginning but that did not last since alcohol dictates your high and as you become accustomed to 2 drinks suddenly you need the 3 or 4 in order to feel the effects of just having 2. I believe it is genetically based but it also has the added layer of each individual's choice of whether they want to go down that road. I have learnt I cannot drink responsibly so have stopped and have found giving up drinking harder than when I quit cigarettes, alcohol is just as addictive to an addictive personality but has that added factor of just doing lift ups in the next room so you always have to be aware, thankfully my scar reminds me. Thanks for the article.
20
Given that annual alcohol-related deaths in the US dwarf those related to gun violence and opioid abuse you might think more people would consider it a dangerous drug. Add in the domestic violence, accidents, and lost productivity attributable to drinking and the scope of the problem is clearly enormous. In the wrong hands a total disaster but used sensibly and in extreme moderation actually healthy.
7
Congratulations, Nancy. If you fix a problem, that's great. I agree with everything you write - I have several friends who gave up drinking - I'm 57 - and I admire all of them. It's an American social thing - drinking. I overdo it, too. Keep on keepin' on and enjoy the ride. I am not being facetious. GO!
3
I’ve just never understood why anybody goes down any path that leads to an addiction. It’s always been puzzling to me. Life has so many challenges without choosing to add to them.
3
@MEB
You do not understand the disease of addiction then. Or that people who struggle with mental illness, often untreated, use alcohol to treat what seems crippling.
Try some compassion and getting off that high horse.
14
Yes. People do not decide to be an addict. Taking something that alters your mood and perceptions (addiction or not) is escape from discomfort, which the author admitted to. Discomfort can range from ordinary social anxiety to searing post trauma. Addictions or abusive use is a dominant factor in my clients issues, either their own use or that of family,
Plus, the physical side affects of ETOH is awful. Liver disease is not a pleasant way to die,
And yet while I don’t drink at all anymore (never drank much in the first place, because of migraines, and wanting to be designated driver ) I still have bottles of wine left over from my holiday party, I felt that offering wine and beer was part of being a good host, so there is a lot of social pressure at work.
Even the loss of my husband in 2018 does not tempt me.
I appreciate Nancy’s story and concur that AA or variations of 12 step are great
That slippery slope is a mighty slim incline, many don’t notice for a long time...
1
About 10 years ago, one of my sisters was found to be "unresponsive" in her apartment by the police. She ended up in the hospital for one month, with a diagnosis of Wernicke's encephalopathy. She has no short-term memory, and she feels dizzy all the time. She had lived out of state for several years, and we rarely saw her. After we saw her apartment, while she was hospitalized, we found lots of wine bottles. Along with the hospital doctors, we concluded that she had become an alcoholic. Her brain was damaged beyond repair; there is probably also liver damage. Since then, she has been cared for by my other sisters and receives Social Security disability income. What a waste of her life! Don't drink alcohol. I don't.
15
When drinking alcohol makes you do destructive things you have to stop. I admire the author for coming to her senses. Most of us don't do destructive things when we drink, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we're not destroying our liver. I love to drink. In fact it is my wish to die on a bar stool when I'm in my 90s. Anything but an assisted living center. That said I impose limits on myself and I don't pass them. We should all do that and maybe we all could if they taught drinking like we teach other things: learning how to drive, or cook, are use software. Drinking is a skill that is often taught in adolescence by the wrong person, another adolescent. Let's teach people to drink responsibly and have fun with it without endangering themselves and everyone else.
12
@Aurora
Teaching our children to drink as a lifeskill is fallacious. Alcohol is addictive. Some people's bodies can process it with no harm; others become dependent on it. Although we can look at family members as a predictor of addiction, there's no sure way to know if one will become dependent on alcohol or not.
Perhaps genetic testing will eventually come up with a surefire way to predict alcoholism. Until then, we have no way of knowing, sadly.
3
"Drink responsibly". It's your fault if drinking poison makes you sick. It's certainly not the industry's fault: they are so clear that they are selling diluted poison, right? They warn us all the time that three million deaths per year, around the world, are attributed to alcohol. /s
The people who profit from all of that misery must love that slogan.
1
I first read the late Pat Tillman's philosophy on alcohol many years ago and it has stuck with me. If alcohol impacts your plans for the next day, or if it impacts your interpersonal relationships, you have a problem. Sounds like both held true for the author so good on her for quitting.
I am a consistent one or two drinks a day drinker (after work, after a long hike, etc.) and doubt that will ever change. I went through a heavier drinking phase in my past and don't miss those mornings at all. As for the nights, well, they were a blast with the exception of a handful that led me to cut back to my current level.
6
I abstained completely for three years until last May when I was at a party just after I turned 70. I quit because I wanted to take some weight off, not for reasons of depression. Alcohol has a lot of calories and, since it loosens inhibitions, I tended to eat a lot more when I drank.
Having been a 3-4 drink per night (every night I might add after I was in my 50's) drinker, it added a lot of calories.
I felt better after I quit. I slept better for sure and the weight came off. But my friends tell me I am much more fun and outgoing when I drink.
So I went back to drinking and regained some of the weight but I have to tell you I am a lot happier. At my age I'd rather just enjoy myself. If it hastens my death so be it. Ever day I read the Times I say to myself: "my country is a plutocracy that works only for a small group of people, my kids will never have the opportunities I had, and if they have kids, the planet will not be a good place to live in 50 years or so.
So: eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die!
49
The problem is you don’t just die. You get sick first, and that part can last for a long, long time. Take care of yourself.
5
I finally quit after 30 some odd years and 4 DUI's, but oddly enough that's not the reason. I also became a heroin addict which made alcohol taste HORRIBLE to me. Once I quit heroin more than ten years later alcohol was no longer in my life. If I had my rathers I'd rather be a heroin addict than alcoholic, but I'd rather be neither.
4
I can say without equivocation that I have seen and had to work with far too many functioning alcoholics. Japanese society does not label these (mostly) men and their drinking as problematic in fact the drinking is encouraged in late night adventures with office colleagues . With few exceptions these men get up and go to work every day, but the drinking takes a toll. One friend was riding home on his bicycle and died after a fall. Another almost died on a fishing expedition when he had too much to drink and slipped falling down a steep cliff. Alcohol is an addictive substance and should be understood as such by anyone who drinks.
14
Those who don't want to be labelled alcoholics might follow Inspector Morse's rule of divide by three when asked about their alcohol consumption.
"How much alcohol to you consume Inspector Morse?" asks his doctor. "One or two beers a day."
By the way, research has shown that many people labelled alcoholics can function quite nicely. Think of Hemingway and Jack London.
And think of Winston Churchill who reputedly drank two bottles of brandy a day. "I've taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me," he said.
6
@Ambrose
They can function quite nicely until they don't. Hemingway committed suicide and there is some question that London died from an overdose of morphine.
1
I get the gist but Hemingway committed suicide.
1
"What Does It Mean to Have a Serious Drinking Problem?"
It means you are aware of what's happening in politics.
56
What it means is that you're weak and would rather run, hide, trick and pretend as opposed to simply dealing with reality like a person in control of their body and mind. I know it doesn't sound like the typical shoulder to cry on AA boilerplate symphony, but to willfully perform actions that offer no good, only bad, no answers, only more questions, is a sign of profound weakness. Man up.
3
Agree!!
Wow. Bravo.
3
Very good, thanks for sharing! very uplifting.
2
Thank you for writing this. I started drinking for the same reasons as you--the wonderful feeling of being devil-may-care, wildly sociable, blessedly uninhibited--all the things I'm not in "real life." It's so hard to give up that feeling. But after decades of terrible choices and behavior, all under the liberating influence of alcohol, I finally realized the lasting shame--not to mention the worsening hangovers (thank god for those, really)--far, far outweighed the fleeting joy. I still have a glass or two of wine per week, but I'll never be the alcohol-enabled life of the party again.
7
I learned to ask how many drinks a patient has per week then to follow up with how many glasses there are in a bottle of wine etc. since if there are 2-3 glasses per bottle.... I think all those daily drinkers out there would be surprised that most people actually only drink on holidays or when out with friends. Some are weekend binge drinkers but that seems to be more common in their 20s. Just a little perspective for all those “moderate” drinkers out there.
9
@AR It's interesting to me how much of a role alcohol plays in people's social lives, almost to the point many people think you cannot have fun without. This concept is somewhat alien to me because from my teens to the present day (I'm middle-aged), I am surrounded by friends and family who hardly drink and yet we manage to have fun regularly, including hiking, dancing, playing music, cooking, etc. And most of my friends aren't religious: it's just something that's not been part of our circle.
1
As with all drugs, there is no free lunch with alcohol: every moment of relaxed glittery-ness must be paid for, with interest, even if only in the form of being slightly irritable when not buzzed. Booze causes an increase in dopamine release, so that the body is subsequently depleted of the stuff and needs time to replenish. For those of us who like to pay off our credit cards in full each month, that may be sufficient motivation to abstain.
11
It's crazy to me (as a now-sober person) that I ever worked so hard to continue a behavior that wasn't good for me. Like the author, I had what AA calls a "high bottom," meaning alcohol wasn't (yet) having a deleterious effect on work, health, or relationships. But it was holding me back from my potential.
Ultimately I quit drinking because alcohol had become a rigid and unhealthy way of coping with my life. Taking a quiz about how many drinks I consumed, or putting myself into this category or that, was beside the point. It wasn't good for me, so why was I trying to defend it?
I've done a good deal of 12 Step work, but I don't find that that program has all the answers (for me). I think about it systemically as much as personally. Why do we define drinking as the norm, and imbue it with so much significance? Why do we cling to it as an aid in socializing, celebrating, or mourning? What is wrong with our culture that we think our experiences are *enhanced* by not being fully conscious?
Why am I supposed to believe *I'm* the one with the problem? I feel like I've leveled up.
12
To be fair, it’s not just our culture. It’s every culture except strict Muslims and Mormons and has been throughout history. Even many animals will eat fermented fruits deliberately because they like intoxication. It is a natural and scientific problem, not a cultural one. How we deal with the issue, however, is often based on cultural considerations.
1
Much can be said about the author's experience: the "functioning alcoholic" with all of the external measures of success who doesn't need a bolt of gin to get out of bed. There is no definitive point at which heavy drinking becomes alcoholism. Certain identified behaviors are of course helpful guideposts. But for a person to decide to stop drinking -- whether through treatment or mere abstinence -- one must acknowledge the loss of control. It's often said that alcoholism is a self-diagnosed disease. Early in my sobriety, I heard alcoholism described in a way that seems salient to the author's account: it's not what alcohol does TO me; it's what alcohol does FOR me. By that measure, I was an alcoholic when I tasted my first drink.
2
Only a husband, or wife , a family members, or a real friends can say exactly how serious the alcoholism disease is. It’s worse the cancer, because the alcoholic lives in constant denial, and because most of them are functioning a daily basis. The alcoholism problem resides on all levels of our society. We have doctors, lawyers, artists, Professionals in high level, just like others in a low scale jobs. The disease spreads all over .Unfortunately with all scientific research, and all treatments available, the alcoholic when decided to get help, most of the time the whole people around them are completely destroyed already with scars for the rest of their lives. It’s a terrible disease between all diseases.
9
I'm in the beginning stages of quitting. Actually, I think cigarettes were much hard to quit. I did about 20 years a go and there still times I would very much like to be having a cigarette. What worked for me?
I have one in my imagination. I use to get off of work, come home, change clothes, light the grill, do a bit of gardening, and after I put the meat on grill was the perfect time. The sun lowering in the sky, the cooling of the day. I'd sit there in a cheap lawn chair and watch all the life in the garden. Then after a minute or so, I would light up a cigarette and smoke my way through witnessing all that life I had made possible by planting and managing a micro-environment. That was the actual experience and now I relive all these years later.
I found what drove me and I am excellent at visualizing and sensing it.
I have nothing like that driving me to drink. I don't feel I need it. I didn't start drinking until my ankle died. I had no problem being the person who didn't drink up until then. Well, nothing hurts but the habit was a established. So now I have a glass of perrier with a small wedge of lime. Works just the same. But 2 weeks ago I was drinking a 1 quart of whiskey every week and one bottle of Hennessy every 2 weeks. I'm not sure how much wine I drank but I have stopped that too. I was nervous for a couple days. I've lost weight more easily. I'm lucky. I know.
12
@Susannah Allanic
Wow marveling at nature and life by slowly killing oneself?
Never understood how the sensation of cutting off oxygen to, and taxing, the lungs via smoking while breathing out in nature or at the beach is a thing.
You were just addicted to nicotine and said time was the "reward time" your brain allowed you to pacify your reward centers. It's all psychology mixed with the very real science of chemicals.
I have never had a problem with alcohol (0-3 drinks per week) but I can identify in myself cravings to numb pain, stress or discomfort with alcohol. Lately I have been thinking that I could be better at presentations at work or ease my afternoon blahs if I had a drink. I still don't do it but it beckons. I don't do it primarily because I have been around enough casual and functioning drunks to know that you are never as awesome as you think you are when you are drinking.
8
@Mrs B Rather then try to cope after the fact with a drink, consider joining Toastmasters (an ironic name here; no alcohol involved!) to improve your speaking skills. Figure out other ways to ease your boredom: take walk, do office yoga, etc. Get to the heart of the issue: don't cover it.
I drink too much and very much enjoy it. I don't care if it kills me as long as I can make the dying quick. I've done everything I want in life.
That's the hard part - making the dying quick. We're not allowed to plan our own deaths.
131
@Kenneth Brady Unfortunately alcohol provides for an extremely painful, prolonged death, your blood, no longer welcome in your liver, spills into your gut and then out your various orifices. I've seen it. It's not something to look forward to.
135
Everything you said is true. Just like a death from smoking will be a slow and desperate asphyxiation, death from alcohol abuse can take years and affect every organ.
49
@Kenneth Brady
My favorite uncle felt the same way. I'd say that his last 5 years were depressed and physically painful as his body slowly succumbed to death at a much too early age of 73. Both his parents had lived well into their 90s.
Alcohol slowly destroys your body, brain, and mind. It's a really terrible way to go.
57
Hypnotherapy may help many people avoid the alcohol drug altogether and permanently who do not fit well with the AA program or their majority traditional step-by-step personalities. It can also work much faster.
For those needing to wean off of a physical dependency on the old legalized, addictive drugs such as alcohol, caffeine or nicotine, valerian root and passionflower (powder forms or whole herb pieces brewed into tea) can help with far less side affects than the isolate pharmaceutical benzodiazepines. Adjust the amounts as needed.
It’s an old recreational marketplace, not a medication.
1
If you go out to drink and get drunk on a weekly or even every other week basis you most likely have a problem. Drunk defined as legally drunk...buzzed. Get it folks? Just because you are being social and everyone else is doing it doesn't mean you don't have a problem.
8
I stopped drinking due to a serious health concern. Although
I had been a regular drinker for years, averaging a pint or more of the hard stuff daily in addition to several beers, I was pleasantly surprised to find how easy it was (at least in my case) to go 'cold turkey'.
I clearly remember the morning when I woke up after having my first totally sober evening in decades. Not only was there no evidence of my customary bad head, but I actually felt more confident and ready to face the day than I had felt in years. There were no withdrawal symptoms and no desire to have some "hair of the dog".
I recommend that folks who are considering sobriety not be deterred by claims that to suddenly stop drinking is dangerous.
9
Alcohol is a retreat that is very sneaky. Like a fake friend it always more than it gives....
8
There's a term in psychology -- anosognosia -- that means not knowing that you are crazy. It is a common feature of nearly all forms of mental illness, such as Alzheimer's, schizophrenia and others. A crazy person simply cannot see that he or she is stark raving mad. In alcohol recovery, it's usually known as "denial." In politics, it's known as Donald Trump.
26
Thanks to the author and every single commenter. My dry January, the first string of sober days in six years has been wonderful. I allowed myself a drink on my birthday at the end of the month but didn’t want one the next day. Breaking the “habit” of daily drinking has been wonderfully freeing, as has the knowledge that I can have a drink if I want one. But I no longer keep it in the house, I’ll only drink if I’m out with friends and then only moderately to be social. AA tells us such behaviour is impossible. It’s not.
7
@CTJ Not all drinkers are alcoholics, or problem drinkers, or suffer from "alcohol abuse disorder," or whatever the newest, nuanced term may be. When "alcoholism" (as it was once called) is present, it is chronic and progressive. Time will tell if a troubled drinker who is trying to abstain from regular drinking is white knuckling it, a "controlled" drinker so to speak, and destined to get on the merry-go-round again. Best of luck, and health, to you CTJ.
9
A A does NOT tell us that that behaviour is impossible.
2
AA is an abysmal failure, and should be retired as the go-to "treatment" for this brain disease. Relying on a method with under a 10% success rate (as measured by sobriety of one year) is ridiculous. So is the practice of AA's "moral inventory".
Addiction is not moral or immoral. It is a mostly-genetic disease which should not be confused with excessive drinking. Only 1 in 10 heavy drinkers are actually addicted. And those people require evidence-based medical intervention, not a guilt trip based on religious zealotry and archaic concepts.
11
Looking forward to hearing your recover program that improves upon AA. As nobody else has it should be interesting.
11
It works for many people, and doesn’t work for many people. The line of abuse or problem drinking is very subjective.
1
So true!! Yes some will power must be exercised but there is a lot of chemistry involved. Saying just say no is not a solution.
Unrelated to this, I think this author’s piece was self indulgent nonsense and an excuse to brag about how cool she was when she drank and how proud of herself she is now that she stopped. Self aggrandizing. Be happy you are sober and stop craving the limelight
3
There is no health benefit from alcohol. It is an addictive poison. Life can be so much more meaningful when you experience raw emotion.
11
Also, let us not forget the insidious role played by the alcohol industry that normalizes unhealthy and dangerous consumption, has been known to target underage audiences, and generally impedes public health progress in this area. The commercialized aspect of alcohol promotion in our society makes it more difficult for many people to overcome problem levels of drinking. Sympathy to all who suffer the consequences.
10
I love reading the comments to stories like this. I love seeing the diverse opinions and convictions that people bring.
I've been through more than most and seen the effects of drinking and drug abuse. From my experience it really just boils down to the person. Everyone is different and what works for you might not work for me.
Life is short and we have this beautiful thing called free will. Drink if you want, its your life. Abstain if you want, its your life. But by all means, please live your life.
13
I take this as permission to eat lots of chocolate.
15
I have smoked casually and have drank too much. And I have suffered from major depression along with the symptoms of being bipolar. I have smoked because I've enjoyed it. I drank to mask my symptoms. But alcohol is a depressant, and so drinking makes my symptoms worse.
When I got serious about better dealing with depression, I quit alcohol, at first cold turkey, then no more than two drinks a day. And I have followed that regimen for about five years.
As for smoking, I limit it to a few weeks each year. Many non-smokers don't know that smoking is social --when you go to a smoking area, you talk to fellow workers you wouldn't otherwise meet.
Partly because of the social aspect and partly because of the addictive power of nicotine, the 10 packs I smoke per year are more dangerous to my well-being than is my drinking -- the urge to smoke feels more like an addiction. In short, a small number of cigarettes are more addictive and more of threat to my well being than two drinks a day.
3
AA is not the only recovery group for people with substance abuse problems. There is also SMART Recovery, a science based program that does not include a spiritual component for those who are not interested in a spiritual focus.
7
Dwi 8 years ago sober 4 yrs dwi 3 yrs ago sober 3 yrs so far. I have found nothing close to alcohol for relief of physical and mental pain. Alcohol worked for me and millions of others. I some times think about drinking again when am too old to drive. I drank to get drunk and most times enjoyed it. I thought moderate drinkers were stupid; why go half way? I still get jealous of people in the grocery checkout line who are buying beer for the weekend. I have arthritic pain that gets worse with age. I love her still.
5
Have you tried weed? (Seriously, I’m not making light of your post.)
8
@Robyn maybe I should give it a try. Thank you for your idea.
I'm a moderate drinker. I've never been drunk, never blacked out, never felt that alcohol affected my personal or work life. Moderate has meant having a 12 ounce beer or a 4 to 6 oz. pour of wine or champagne most evenings. That is still not healthy based on current research and I'm cutting back by saving the drinks for just weekends and social outings.
The author's belief that she was a moderate drinker is ludicrous, and evading responsibility by refusing to admit she is an alcoholic seems unhealthy, as if she has an illness that comes from outside her rather than acknowledging that alcoholics get there by drinking until they become addicted.
2
Beverage alcohol consumption is too intertwined and embedded into our culture to be viewed objectively. Ultimately, our civilization must address the way humans, collectively and individually, have been needlessly harmed by our choice to ignore the insidious side of alcohol use and addiction. From drunk driving and workplace injuries to obesity and everything in-between, self-medication using wine, beer and distilled spirits has caused unnecessary misery beyond what should be acceptable in an intelligent world. We must educate our children so that the next generation can embrace healthier ways to cope with stress, rejection and life challenges.
8
I divorced a ghastly, abusive drunken woman. Thank god for divorce, folks.
12
Why don't these people just smoke pot?
Never understood how someone feels "good" while blitzed on alcohol and afterwards. The high itself makes you stupider, less coherent, less able to express oneself, less agile at motor skills, all ending in vomit and dehydration.
The only reason so many people were/are hooked on it is that it is legal and socially acceptable.
8
You’ve got an awful lot of skin in this game, Ignacius. What’s that all about?
1
Alcohol is the ultimate betrayer- grow up thinking it is a normal, casual way for friends to unwind. We see it on TV and movies-never knowing that what the actors consume is only colored water or soda.
It might be interesting if all such shows or films had warnings to the effect that no alcohol is actually consumed on film by the actors.
Sadly, my father's generation really soaked it up when they could-especially at war. Men in rear echelon areas often died of alcohol poisoning, as in Kiska and Attu when the Russians came through to trade their cheap Vodka for our cheaper cigarettes.
So, While I knew the movie actors drank tea- thought real men, and everyone's father, drank heavily and indiscriminately.
It took me decades to figure out that so much accepted knowledge was just hot air.
6
An old friend who was a career parole officer, told me once that the consensus of opinion among all those that he had worked with in the service had come to a succinct conclusion; if you have a problem, any problem with alcohol, you are an alcoholic. How one deals with that is up to each.
5
Alcohol is a solvent. It dissolves marriages. You quit in the nick of time.
13
The only labels that are appropriate are "drunk" and "ex-drunk", but there really is no need for a label. One simply does not drink, and as to why, if one is so rude to ask such a thing, an appropriate answer might be "because I don't."
So if this ex-drunk has any words of wisdom, it is to stop thinking one can have that celebratory drink (admit that you have no control over alcohol), make sure there are not other issues behind the alcohol (e.g., anger - a big one for me), and to never, ever believe that one - you - has gained so much wisdom as an ex-drunk that you can now save other drunks because you're so darned successful at it.
Stay sober.
9
Oddly, the one "test" she didn't take was the 20 Question Test from AA - "Are You An Alcoholic?"
5
Good for you, well done.
2
“Nancy, the bartender threw you out. You couldn’t stay on your stool.”
Ummm, you have a problem dear.
I’d hit “medium drinker” rock bottom and it was enough.
No dear, that ain't being a medium drinker.
20
Yes, I agree. I like Wartik’s piece but I can’t tell what “two very generous drinks” means.
3
What’s the big deal? You sound like an alcoholic and like millions of others you did something about it. The mental gymnastics that people go through to keep from saying what it is. And in the end it becomes less what defines you. One Day At A Time……You go on to live a healthy life and most people will never know you had a problem. It becomes less of a deal as you move on. If it becomes an issue you should get hooked up with Alcoholics Anonymous
6
I feel like I need to shout this from the rooftops:
NALTREXONE!!!!!
Again: NALTREXONE!!!!!
Hear me now??? Ask your doctor. This is a drug to help you quit. It won't do it all by itself---you will have to engage with your inner self to get a grip on your drinking.
But know this, it is possible, it will not be easy but there is help: Naltrexone.
Google it and ask your doctor. Do not suffer, get the help you need.
5
More specifically, Naltrexone taken via TSM - The Sinclair Method. This works!!
1
Yes, agree!
Thank you!
2
"It's what alcoholics refer to as a Moment of Clarity".....Pulp Fiction
3
Good insight into taking control of your life. I was in the alcoholic beverage business for 36 years; lot's of free booze. I saw what it did to some and over time cut back a lot. Never had a DUI. One thing I learned first from my experience and some noble elders is that when lips start moving from lubrication it's time to excuse yourself and disappear, especially in a professional situation. Over time I found I only have drinks when I am safe and sound at home or safely with people I trust that know me well. I'm a happy drunk but I see others that just go Jekyll Hyde so it's always best to think twice about where you're at and who you're with before you imbibe.
5
While those already experiencing or prone to alcoholism should heed the warnings in this column, the suggestion that any alcohol use is a detriment to one's health is specious. If one or two drinks a day acts as a stress reducer, why would somebody eliminate it from their life? Except to conform to a mythology about puritanism that is increasingly pervasive among many self-helpers.
I smoked a pack a day for 35 years and quit cold turkey. That level of smoking was leading me down a path to serious illness and - possibly - painful death. But the person who smokes one or two cigarettes after dinner is not on the same trajectory - and should not judge themselves as such.
If in fact the author had a drinking problem - and one who regularly acts out while under the influence probably did - she made the right decision. But to tell every adult who has one or two glasses of wine of an evening that they are doing their health grave harm is not accurate. And it has a puritanical subtext that I find quite disturbing.
6
I appreciated the author's candor, and as a woman now 3 years sober, related to so much of what she said, especially the mental gymnastics, and telling herself she wasn't an alcoholic bc X, Y, or Z hadn't happened.
I especially liked her comments about how she interpreted the standard alcohol screening result verbiage re: “medium drinker” with a “risky” pattern and that she could alter her drinking “without too much difficulty.”
As a former clinician and addiction researcher, I used that language too; early alcohol risk/intervention was my research focus. But this again raises the question of what average people hear in our clinician-speak, how they interpret it, etc. Most importantly, I think it raises the legitimate question of what specifically, if anything, we have to offer someone who may not need intensive outpatient treatment, inpatient 28-day rehab, etc. but who needs more than a 10 minute “brief intervention” discussion.
4
Thank you, Ms. Wartik for your insights. I also find life better without alcohol. I have no qualms with those who are able to have the occasional social drink. But I have seen so much pain caused by alcohol to those about whom I cared. And I have seen how greatly their lives - like yours - improved when they abstained from alcohol.
4
Being a little bit alcoholic is like being a little bit racist or a little bit pregnant.
8
How many times has this article been written? I am so bored reading the same "middle america, self absorbed, kind of an alcoholic kind of not" nonsense...
9
But she is so special. Not!! Could agree more just another self absorbed alcoholic who
Loves to hear herself talk. This story is about as unique as a sheet of printer paper
Poor people, rich people, Latino and black Americans don’t have the same problems? Not just middle America.
1
The author provides an awareness, a self discovery, of the real effects that alcohol has on our mental and physical health. But surely we all know and understand that don’t we? I certainly didn’t until just recently. Yes after being what she calls a “moderate drinker” for more than 50 years I am beginning to see how it has influenced my whole adult life! And so often not in good ways! I’ll save the reader from my dirt but just say that since I stopped drinking two weeks ago I suddenly have lost the constant tiredness, the physical aches and pains, the emotional extremes, and feel like I’m waking up from a long sleep. Thank you so much for validating what I am currently going through!
9
Whatever you call it, it impacts others. My father drank a lot and too often when he drank he was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive to me and my siblings. He also beat my mother. My mother was an enabler. She made all kinds of excuses for his behavior. One last vivid one: When I was married with a small child, I told my mother that I when they visited (from Florida) that I would not have him drinking in my house. Without any further word, she got him, packed, and left. A few years later in a phone call, I mentioned his drinking to him. He said "That never bothered anyone." I thought "What?" and realized he had been in blackouts during those times. Please! Anyone who drinks too excess: For the sake of your loved ones--Stop! You may make their lives living hell without knowing it.
9
Thank you. 40 days alcohol free. One day at a time.
32
Searched this piece and every comment recommended more than 5 times…
Though no company called out by name – media industry mentioned several times as facilitating this scourge…
But not one mention of the spirits industry…
Guess makes them some sort of good guys…
That – and that our government already all busy regulating our ethanol industry…
Which is why an ounce of the stuff costs twenty times as much in vodka, as in gasoline…
Even cheap Chinese vodka, made from caged and savagely-beaten potato plants…
Said more lyrically:
“…Let me tell you how it will be…
“…There's one for you, nineteen for me…
“…'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman…
“…Should five per cent appear too small…
“…Be thankful I don't take it all…
“…’Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman…
Boris is rumored to sing this in the shower, after he’s had a few too many…
Corbyn, when stone cold sober…
Don’t look at me – was the Brits who invaded us with this devil’s brew…
4
Congratulations to the author and all commenters on your conquers.
8
Have you been saying things to yourself like --
" I need to cut down on my drinking" -
"I'll only have two glasses of wine with dinner tonight" --
"I'll only drink on the weekends" -
"I could never go out with him/her because they don't like to drink"
Do you need to "pre-load" with a couple of cocktails before going out for the evening - ?
Have you ever left a party early because there wasn't enough alcohol - and then went to the bar where you could "really drink" --?
Have you ever drifted away from a friend who stopped drinking because "They're no fun anymore" --?
Is it hard for you to imagine going to a movie - the theater - a ball game - without drinking -- ?
When you go to dinner with other people - does it not bother you when others at the table don't finish their meal -- but you find it DOES baother you when they don't finish their drink and "Let all that good alcohol go to waste" --?
When something good happens - do you "reward" yourself with alcohol - ?
When something bad happens - do you drown you sorrows in a bottle of wine - ?
When somebody makes you angry or hurts your feelings - do you think to yourself - "I'll show them!" - and then spend the night at the bar drinking with happy strangers --?
Has a friend ever suggested you may have a drinking problem - and you've dismissed it by saying "I can stop whenever I want - I just don't want to stop right now" -?
If you think you may have a drinking problem -- then you probably do...
21
Thanks for a more honest reflection on a personal experience with alcohol than several I have read lately.
The important thought is applicable to most behavior. When in doubt, stop.
When help is needed, there are options.
4
Most of my friends, myself included, drink way, way more than the author, and we're all high-functioning and successful. We don't drink because we're depressed, we drink because it feels great. We should cut down, for health reasons, but that easily gets lost when the cultural narrative is always that you quit because it's "ruining your life." What if it's not ruining your life? I'm happy, healthy, sleep well, exercise a lot, and have no desire whatsoever to stop drinking, except that I know it's unhealthy. Nobody in my social circle needs to apologize to people who have been hurt by our drinking, because nobody has ever been hurt by our drinking. This cliché that sooner or later alcohol destroys everything in your life just isn't true for so many of us who still, in fact, drink too much for our health. Like the corny War on Drugs commercials in the 80's, we can't take seriously the melodramatic warnings that drinking destroys you and everyone you love, because for us, it doesn't. So we stop listening, and keep drinking. Alcoholism is usually defined as a drinking "problem," so when people don't see problems due to their drinking, they don't realize they're drinking too much. Nobody says you should stop eating doughnuts because they're destroying your relationships and your family. I wish reducing alcohol consumption could be treated the same way, as a pure health benefit, without the high drama about "problems," "diseases," and other humiliating terminology.
536
@Samuel Russell Alcohol is a carcinogen. It can cause cancer of the esophagus. You Do Not Want That. This goes beyond "I know it's unhealthy."
102
@Samuel Russell " nobody has ever been hurt by our drinking" - how can you say this with such certainty? You don't go home with your friends.
Also understand that some people cannot simply reduce consumption. We're not all wired the same when it comes to addiction.
Eating too many donuts won't put you at risk behind the wheel of a car... but then again, low blood sugar might.
Are you or your friends a parent? As soon as you pass that .08 threshold, you've now made yourself an irresponsible parent should you be needed in an emergency. You may be totally off the hook as a single person with no family, but try keeping that up once you have familial responsibilities.
Check back in with us in 10 years... addiction is progressive after all.
268
@Samuel Russell I'm not convinced it's even that bad for your health. I tend to regard all the gloom and doom reports as handily cobbled together at the behest of liability fearing malpractice attorneys. If you don't use it as a crutch, drive drunk, or wake up in the morning either regretting what you did or not remembering what you did, relax and enjoy as you please.
61
Drinking, A Love Story by Caroline Knapp (link)
is one of the best recovery books I've ever read.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0385315546/ref=rdr_ext_tmb
161
@h king , read it years ago. Related to every single thing she said about the lure of alcohol, etc. it’s a great book. Came across my copy of the book a few years later, and was curious what her life was like then. So I googled her. Unfortunately, she was dead.
4
@h king
Thanks for the reference.
7
This book and AA saved my life
15
What took the place of the alcohol as your stress reducer?
1
Cannabis!
4
Why do articles like this tend to bring out defensive drinkers who insist on telling the rest of us that their moderate drinking is totally normal and not a problem? Is it out of guilt perhaps?
14
@rachel
I'm wondering about this, too. All the rationalizing about their drinking makes me think it's more of a problem than they want to admit. Maybe they're not as happy as they would have us believe?
2