A friend of mine is the step-mother to her husband's six children and numerous grandchildren. She has no children of her own.
She has gone out of her to show those children great amounts of attention and care and love.....birthday parties for each one, which is a lot of parties every year, huge affairs at Christmas and other holidays and a big event at a vacation spot every summer.
It is a LOT of work for her to do all this but she does it because she loves her husband and he loves those kids.
No one tries to act like or pretend that there is great love to be found between the step-mother and those kids but guess what? They appreciate her and all that she does and they work at showing her that they do.
I admire them all.
77
The Ten Commandments says, "Honor thy Mother and Father"...note it does not say "love". I think that also works well with other family members too. Honor them, treat them well, be kind to them, do not talk ill of them, respect them...that will take you a long way even if you do not have warm fuzzy feelings. Love is an emotion that can't be demanded. However, you can still be kind, respectful, and helpful.
74
Re Stepchildren delimma. Although your assessment "...the odious alibi invariably offered for some cruel remark: I’m just being honest." Certainly it is odious and not conducive for civil relationships. But, it may be an honest opinion.
I had an occasion to inform a person I had associated with, including parties and as an invited guest to her wedding, that "I didn't want to associate with her any more". But, I had an addendum to my statement. I informed her: "I am the only person not wanting to associate with you, it's not the entire world".
4
@First Last , well, that's almost a compliment.
17
Re: Gender specific employment: Although not mentioned, perhaps the requirement for a female instructor may be driven by the voice range of the female voice. In the extreme the music department would not want a baso profundo instructing female voice students.
50
Re the first letter: Is this a transcript of the Jerry Springer show?
9
So far I haven't seen suggested that LW1 speak with a therapist to discuss her feelings, or lack thereof, for her stepchildren. Not to cast blame but to help her deal with the situation. She obviously is not happy or else why write the letter?
To LW1: I don't remember where I learned this, but there is a philosophy that says 'act as if.' If you act as if you love them, you might one day find that you do.
In any case, I do not say seek therapy in the sense that you are nuts. When you say family relations are painful, you have a right to share your concerns with a professional who can help you deal with it.
25
This first letter is very interesting to me as I married a man with one child he had with a woman with 2 children from her previous marriage (they divorced 7 years before we met). I come from a completely different racial and cultural background than my step-daughter's maternal family, a difference that was a slap in the face when I met them for the first time - her 12-year old half-brother casually told me he named their dog a very vicious racial slur - my heart lurched.
So the LW's statement " The rest of the children are from his previous marriages" really interested me. Families are necessarily complicated, and families with multiple marriages even more so. By the way, if a child tells one parent that she or he "does not care about [his or her step-parent] AT ALL", please don't feel like you have to tell that step-parent that. They already feel like an outsider, and it's very difficult to be a "stepmother" to a person only 12 years younger than yourself, and if the child is VERY tightly bonded to its mother. it's almost impossible. It's been a long road, but now the focus is now on her own children and how we grandparents can be supportive of her as a mom, and helpful with the kids. It's made everything lighter, happier, and more enjoyable!
17
My stepmom hated me, and it made growing up difficult. How do know? I read her diary after she got dementia - I felt it as a kid but after I read the diary I knew it. It is not easy to grow up being hated by an adult with power over you, it showed in many ways and impeded me. The irony is that many years later I now am in charge of her finances, her life. With dementia she is a different person - she sometimes remembers she doesn't like me but normally gives me a big hug. After people pass away they stay alive in the people who knew them, and you may find yourself becoming closer to your stepkids one day. It's OK to feel what you feel but kudos to you for acting well. It is the actions that are the real love.
53
@Sheryl Schulz , a small note— it’s not a great idea to read people’s diaries and journals without their express permission, for several reasons. And diary and journal-keepers should consider arranging for their private writings to be protected from being read without permission by those who may be hurt or otherwise disturbed by them. Lock them and select a care-taker, or for their destruction unread.
28
The director has stated that the reason for requesting a female job applicant is the preference of the roster, but music school rosters change annually as students 'age out', thus the reason for preferring a female candidate is based on shifting sands, not solid grounds.
6
When I was soon to graduate with a Master's degree in Library Science and started job hunting, our school job listing had a job that indicated a Christian should apply. If gender is illegal to demand, isn't religion? It was a private university's library so I'm wondering if they are subject to federal guidelines? There are times when a male or female ought to be able to requested. What about teaching a group of females who had been sexually abused by males and would only be comfortable with females? What about female prisoners? I've read a great deal in recent years that included horror stories of male prison guards and female prisoners. I know a woman can be just as improper as a man at work but male guards for men and female guards for women still seems the safest.
17
@Jones In fact, there are far more male prisoners than female, and restricting female corrections officers to female prison wings reduces both the number of jobs and the promotion opportunities for female corrections officers. Of course, no abuse should be tolerated by anyone at any time. Having sufficient staff goes a long way to preventing that.
4
It seems her real problem is being totally self absorbed. You always marry into a family, to consider it otherwise is being stupid...and ya knew he had kids! Come on...I'm amazed at people who don't try to see what's comming. And then she lies to the kids, at their most vulnerable moment...when they said to her "they love her.".... They seemed to make the leap...your turn.
33
For anyone naive enough to believe that sexual abuse and harassment aren't a problem in music education, this just appeared in The Atlantic:
https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2020/01/conservatories-sexual-harassment-abuse/604351/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=atlantic-daily-newsletter&utm_content=20200131&silverid-ref=NDM4NDI0NjM0MzkzS0
20
Regarding letter two, music students often take lessons alone in a studio with their teacher and instruction can involve close proximity. If I had a young daughter, I would want her to have a female teacher, too.
40
I think readers are being a bit hard on Lw1. I agree that for the sake of the family, she should continue to be kind and maintain courtesies that keep any family structurally strong. Not all stepchildren say, “I love you,” so the fact that she writes about that in tandem with adoring her bio child and feeling "pain" is noteworthy and calls her emotional state into question.
On the other hand, I applaud Lw1 for speaking up. In most cases, being a stepmother is a supporting character in a family, a mother relegated to second place. Her stepkids may genuinely love her ‘for who she is’ but it is extremely rare that children get beyond those ‘qualifying’ emotions when it comes to their stepparents. And just as Lw1's stepchildren might feel her ambivalence, it is likely that her “pain” stems from the ambivalent/dutiful vibes she has gotten from them for decades.
This idea that women “should know what they are getting themselves into when they marry a man with kids” is as outdated as the evil stepmother stereotype. All families are complicated. Blended families are complicated squared. Inevitably, certain people are better at giving and receiving love than others. Nobody wants to feel sidelined.
I’d like to give Lw1 credit for hanging in there for decades despite her pain. But before she severs ties that will have long-term implications for her and her child, I strongly suggest that she seeks professional help.
27
@belinda
'This idea that women “should know what they are getting themselves into when they marry a man with kids” is as outdated as the evil stepmother stereotype."
Why is that outdated? It's just a fact. It applies to men, too - if a man marries a woman with kids, he should be prepared to take on her kids. The reality that these situations are hard on children does not change.
17
@DW What does "prepared to take on her kids" mean? These "situations" are hard on all members of a blended family. Even with the best intentions, stepparents don't necessarily know what they are getting themselves into —and often don't get the support they need. We, as a society, need to do a better job of understanding AND explaining the complexities of blended families. "You knew he had kids" does not add anything new to the discussion. People like Lw1 are making a contribution by putting honest, if unresolved, feelings out there.
13
This is not an outdated trope. This is one of the many ways romantic relationships bring out selfish tendencies. If you are joining a family, you need to do right by the kids. Why would you join a family when interacting with its members causes you physical pain? Marriage isn’t just about you- it’s about your partner too. Why would you put this man, who you purportedly love, in a position to choose between the comfort and well-being of his wife and kids? On a related note, why would this man find a suitable partner in a wife who cannot be affectionate towards his children without suffering?
30
Step-families can be challenging, relationships in any family can be difficult, and feelings cannot be forced. I get that. But suggesting that this person's lack of feelings for her stepchildren are due to introversion does an extreme disservice to introverts as whole.
47
Step-families are a mixed bag of emotions in my experience. I think it comes down to human connections and the ability to be accepting. My parents divorced when I was four. I have a loving relationship with my mom's second husband, my stepdad, as well as the step-siblings on that side. The other side, not so much. My dad's second wife had troubled kids before marrying my dad and they continued to cause her grief and financial hardship after my dad married into the family. She always seemed to resent me for going to college and being 'stable' in my career and life choices. I hardly ever visited, except maybe once or twice a year and saw her at family functions. Things have improved over the past thirty years, but it's still highly superficial. I always try to be kind and welcoming in our interactions though. I'm very grateful that I still have strong bonds with both of my natural parents. In the end, that's what counts.
28
Re: stepmother, I was surprised that Appiah didn't mention the mother's obligations to her own biological child or to her husband. I have two half-brothers from my father's first marriage, and my mother is significantly younger than my father, so a situation like the one described feels very vivid to me (although I am sure my own mother loves my half-brothers). LW mentions it might be unethical to pretend to care about her stepchildren; I think it's unethical not to. She has an indirect obligation to *try* to love her stepchildren, or at least treat them as if she does love them; she owes that to her biological child and to her husband.
The thought of my aging father knowing my mother does not love his children, or of family gatherings after he is gone being marred by bad feelings between my mother and half-brothers... horrible.
Notably, it's possible to disagree with my idea that she has an obligation to her husband and to her biological child while still thinking she might be convinced by the sentiment...
15
@Celeste I noticed that LW1 made no mention of the relationship between her own biological child and his/her half/step-siblings. Sometimes these relationships can be distant or hostile, sometimes a negotiated tolerance. But sometimes, especially with half-siblings the relationship can be as close as those with full siblings. Occasionally, the step-parent can want to drive a wedge between "her" child and "his" as a power play or for fear that the "others" will take her child away.
Before the LW cuts herself off from her husband's previous family, she should be careful not to make life any more difficult for the child she really loves.
9
Re: the job posting:
I've hired women doctors, dentists, accountants, lawyers, and others whenever possible.
Why? I'm old enough to remember when women had a very hard time succeeding in these--and most--decently-paying professions. As the wage gap tells us, women still don't make as much as men.
That said, yes, gender discrimination in institutional hiring is and should be illegal.
OP (Rob G.) should approve the posting of the listing. The university may find a wonderful man who fits all the criteria. And in a large university, hiring decisions are certainly not made by one individual alone.
10
I am speaking here from the perspective of the stepchild. My mother died when I was 9 years old; my siblings were 6 and 3. My father remarried 4 years later--a woman who, I believe, saw us as part of a "package deal." At best she tolerated us; at worst she was downright cruel, not to me but to my siblings since I left home 4 years after the marriage.
I leaned to deal with her because I loved and wanted a relationship with my father, which I maintained until the end of his life. Was her behavior unethical? I do not know. I do know that it violated the principles of the Catholic religion that she so espoused.
30
Similar situation except that my father left my mother and me when I was young, married another woman, and lived 1,300 miles away from my mother and me. My father's second wife tolerated me because I meant something to him, but it was always clear to me that I was a third-class family member to her.
12
The music students who are asking for female applicants to replace their departing female instructor are hoping to find the same instructor in a new body. That is, of course, impossible. Unfortunately for them, by deliberately halving their applicant pool, not only will they fail to find their teacher’s doppelgänger, they are only half as likely to find the next instructor to be so wonderful as to be one day irreplaceable.
4
I have a counselling team at my school comprised of five women and I am looking to fill in one more position. My school has 400 students, half of whom are male and half female. Is it wrong for me to look for and advertised for a male counsellor for this final position, given that many boys will only confide to a man?
13
@Mike
I don’t think you’re wrong. Counseling and mental health issues are of utmost importance, and if students don’t feel comfortable with opposite sex providers then it’s as though you haven’t any. I think you get a pass under a “medical” category- and frankly think you should look for 2 men.
9
This is why remarriage should not happen until the children are grown and out of the house. I have been the child on the receiving end of this. Down came our pictures and our lives, replaced with her brood and a life turned upside down. Wait until your kids are grown then you can sow your oats, the kids come first not your selfish carnal needs. You will always be an interloper!
29
@Andrew Sibbald,
What you describe is exactly what happened to my mother; her mother, my grandmother, died after childbirth and my grandfather, left with six kids, and being a poor farmer, found a new wife; out went every picture, anything to do with past memories of the kids and my grandmother.
This had disastrous effects on my mother and her siblings which lasted for generations.
20
I do not love you, doctor Fell
The reason why I cannot tell
But this I know and know full well
I do not like you doctor fell
5
Love is a verb. You can love them by doing so.
24
Anti-social tendencies are a red herring for LW1. That she makes a point to note how much she adores her biological child and abhors her stepchildren speaks volumes, and I'm astonished it is so casually overlooked. Why does she find her husband's children so unbearable? They certainly don't sound unpleasant or unkind, so this makes me wonder what they symbolize or remind her of. Was there a sensitive issue with her husband and the children's mother? Is/was LW1 insecure in some way regarding her?
32
LW1: I wonder what she means by "love"? I have a stepson and a son; I do not have the same feelings for each, but, I do exhibit what I would call "caritas", generosity of spirit toward my stepson. We have helped him financially, he is a welcome guest in our house, as is our grandson by him, we have had him and grandson as guests at our summer home whenever they wish to visit.... with my son, my feelings are more intense, I guess, but, to an outsider, our interactions would not appear much different. Love takes many forms. One can learn and enact generosity and caring.
49
@Coyote , yes. I wonder how the stepmother in letter one would feel if her husband felt about their son the way she feels about his children--just as much his as her son is. I doubt she'd be at all okay with that.
9
LW1 is imagining how she will live after her husband's death? That's pretty sad. Surely that sadness is the most important thing being said. Right now, she is feeling pained when in what seems to be a caring family environment. Is she depressed? I'd see a therapist, seriously, to work through depression, mortality issues, and other fears.
LW2 needs to be able to address fears of molestation. Perhaps there is no public way to do that, so don't accept the job notice. Or the community should address them more privately. Nothing fully public is going to solve the conflict between job discrimination and risks to children. I have to add that I have no idea about the ages and genders of the students or how the school makes its hiring decisions, nor of the privacy of the lessons. Many procedures could be worked out to satisfy everyone's concerns.
12
Well, it may be news to this philosopher, but I have not and will not allow my children to take private lessons with men, period, unless I can be in the room at all times--which, frankly, is tiresome. This isn't a 'religious' thing, the male molester piano teacher is common enough that he's even become a literary trope. I don't want random male teachers--nursery school, piano, swimming, or otherwise--handling my kids till they're old enough to defend themselves. Does that make me a bigot? Look up the statistics. My job is to protect my children, not to be 'fair'. Not sorry.
48
@Comp Except that the position available was not for a private music teacher. Your response comprises two logical fallacies: straw man argument and emotional reasoning. Nice. I suppose if a man glossed over the facts in such a blatant way he'd be called out as a sexist.
8
@Comp. Except that the position available was not for a private music teacher. Your response comprises two logical fallacies: straw man argument and emotional reasoning. Nice. I suppose if a man glossed over the facts in such a blatant way he'd be called out as a sexist.
1
Don't tell me to look up the statistic. You made the accusation, you supply the proof.
12
I'm not sure what makes the LW #1 so sure her husband will die before she does.
30
@FresnoDick Probably because that is the usual scenario, unless she is considerably older than her husband. All other things being equal, in a couple the same age the woman will outlive the man by several years. Not 100 percent guaranteed, just probable.
3
@FresnoDick
I was thinking the same thing. He's either much older, or much older and wealthier, or she has some dark plan.
5
@fresnodick: The husband is probably older than the LW and could have health issues not specified in the letter.
5
Is it just me? Can someone explain the accompanying illustration? Thanks.
4
@Redchairs
The stepmother wants to "step out of the picture" with her stepchildren if her husband is no longer there.
5
Thanks, @bookworm ... I still don’t get the hand.
3
@Redchairs
The hand is just there to show it's a person leaving. She's literally in the act of leaving.
5
These people are your child’s siblings. Have you given any thought to how your child would fell should you cruelly sever ties with your step-children?
66
@Brigid McAvey This is such a valid and important point. This LW is very conflicted and to be honest she's quite short-sighted.
10
@Brigid McAvey I believe that these are step siblings—children from a previous marriage— not half-siblings to her child. That is a big difference.
2
@goldstje That doesn't mean they weren't raised together, though. We don't have that information.
8
In regards to Letter 1; Your step children treat you well and you concede they love you ! What a great gift and how lucky you are! While I accept that 'loving' does not always come easily I do not understand how you could not hold some degree of genuine fondness and sincere care for for children who clearly love you and to whom you have parented (particularly as you mention your involvement has spanned decades).Given how long these children( who must be grown up by now),have loved you it would be unethical to reveal the deception you have carried on for so long now as their suffering would far outweigh yours ! They have lived 'your lie' and I feel it is only ethical to continue with it. I feel so sorry for your husbands family & also your husband who no doubt believes you love his children.
No matter how much I loved the man I wanted to marry ,my rule (which I made very clear to him) was that my children must also love him and that he would have to genuinely love them back. Only when he agreed did I allow him into our lives and fortunately for all of us not only did my children love him deeply ,but this love was returned. Only then did we marry. I wonder if your husband would have married you or stayed married to you if you had made your lack of feelings clear .It seems horrible you would wait for your husbands death to reveal a hideous truth ,that would harm your husband children; such a betrayal feels to me, to be unforgivable. I feel somehow, you sense this too.
56
In example #1 What I find interesting is that its usually the step children the new spouse hope will come to at least like the new spouse. And here we have a women whose step children actually tell her they love her and she is aloof about it. How sad.
Am autistic and my social skills are poor at times since I dislike being around a lot of people at one time, yet when our son married a woman who had twins, I was so overjoyed he married someone who loved him and he her, that from day one I have never used the term 'step' when referring to our grandson/granddaughter. They are FAMILY. Period!
And as a widow let me note that when this woman becomes a widow she should know how blessed she will be to have her husbands children as family and that her child by birth will still want them in his/her life. Her behavior may not be unethical but it certainly is immature.
So it's time to grow up!
52
Am I the only one creeped out by LW1 fantasizing about the death of her husband-and the opportunity it may afford her to sever contact with her husband's children? The writer sounds like she has some issues other than being an introvert.
Why not suggest that she live in the moment, instead of fantasizing about being a widow? If she loves her husband, is it really such an unpleasant task to interact with his children in a healthy, authentic, and positive way? Her emotional distance from her stepchildren is most likely felt by everyone involved, including her husband and adored child.
I find it incredibly sad that LW1 is looking for validation for her lack of emotion and empathy toward her family.
77
@db cooper
I am not convinced that she doesn't have a severe social anxiety disorder or is possibly on the autism spectrum.
12
It would be unethical to treat them poorly, for no reason (and probably have repercussions for the whole family). But how does anyone know who loves them or not? By the way they interact with them, true? If you treat them well, I doubt they care if you love them, or if the question will even enter their mind.
12
I do not like the Dr. Fell
The reason why I cannot tell
But this I know and no full well
I do not like thee Dr. Fell
Tom Brown 1625-1686
5
@Enlynn Rock
Thinking the same verse. But it's "Thee" not "the."
Marriages?? How many? So you are thinking about after he dies already? So, so sad.
4
It is possible that if it is the students who prefer a female teacher, that they have good reason for that ....many females are just plain fed up with males who behave suggestively...too many of them around, altho it could be said some male teachers might prefer no female students for the same reason....it's all a big old problem and trying to force acceptance is not very kind.
18
Question #1: Yes
3
I don't think that LW #1 is either a sociopath or a narcissist as some of the other commenters state. There are many reasons why she might not like her stepchildren, and they may not have been little children when she married her husband. I do think she is right to try to be civil to them.
I have been married for more than 30 years, and my husband's son was 30 when we married. He also lives on the other side of the country. From the very beginning, he and his wife were totally rejecting of me. He wrote furious letters to his dad/my husband, when he learned his dad had remarried.
Initially, I tried to form a bond, but both the son and his wife were cold, condescending, and rude to me when they visited. They rearranged furniture in my home, without permission, and locked me out of the den so they could speak to each other without interruption. When I tried to get in, my husband's son put his fingers to his lips and shook his head to "shush" me.
Over the years, we have established a more civil relationship. My husband has made it quite clear to me that I am #1 in his life, and he has been totally supportive of me in every facet of the relationship.
Like the writer, I have fantasized about cutting off any contact with them after my husband dies, but I will probably just retain minimal contact by e-mail or holiday cards, to be polite.
14
@Remembers History but the example in #1 is that her step children are NICE to her. And she even notes 'I think they actually do love me.' LOVE her! They are not like your example which is key.
31
@Remembers History
That is what my aunt's stepchildren do, and it has been agreeable to both sides.
2
L1: Fantasizing about husband’s death so she doesn’t have to deal with stepkids? She could benefit from talking to a therapist. This would allow her to voice these taboo feelings and find tools and solutions to cope better with them.
43
In response to the female job posting. Call the EEO and whoever else enforces the non bias hiring laws. Then, post the request all over the telephone poles.
LW1: Youe first and greatest unethical act was marrying a man whose children you feel nothing but indifference to. That act is truly unforgivable. What you can do, if you have any empathy in your body, is to continue to be cordial and in touch with his children (even after he passes- assuming he goes before you). Why would you willingly cause more pain to his children when you can prevent it? These gatherings aren't painful to you, they're annoying to you.
33
I've always thought that people who are dating should consider a potential partner's children as part of a package deal. I wouldn't go out with a woman if I didn't think I could love her kids.
41
To quote Mr. Bennet's remark to his wife in Pride and Prejudice: "Let us flatter ourselves, that I might outlive you."
17
To Just Being Honest: Cut your loving step-children out of your life? At a minimum, think of your own child. Your step children are his (half) siblings. If I saw my mother suddenly cut off my siblings, I’d start wondering when I might get cut off, too. I’d wonder if she is faking her love for me, too.
41
@Pat step-children from a previous marriage are not half-siblings,who share a biological parent in common.
1
Remember that your step-children are your biologial child's half-siblings. It might be best if your actions did not disrupt your child's relationship with her only siblings, assuming it is positive in some way.
37
RE: Should I pretend to love my stepchildren?
Introvert or not, I feel pity for someone who cannot find it in themselves to love beyond their own genetic offspring. What a small, sad existence that must be.
39
@Civic Samurai
If you can love only those who share your genes (aside from your spouse), then you can love only yourself. Both your husband and you should have known that before you got hitched.
I don't know the answer to this problem - I wish I did. Everyone's brilliant in retrospect.
5
I've tried hard to understand LW1, but it is amazingly difficult. How can you love a spouse and adore the child you have together and want to sever ties with his children when he dies? They tell you they love you and they are his. They are half siblings of your adored child. The destruction severing ties with them would cause is truly incalculable. Regardless of how much of an introvert someone is, this is just cruel and thoughtless and this woman needs a good shrink.This sounds like way more than introversion to me. There's a big does of narcissism lurking in this equation.
45
@Katherine in PA I agree. This cruelty is beyond awful.
2
It seems to me that the situation is not the problem; the problem is not stated or even identified.
I wonder whether the LW has discussed her yearning for solitude with her husband. It's an issue that doesn't expose the reason she wrote and/but is totally true. After years of marriage, she is entitled to not attend every event the family has together. Their shared child can attend with LW's husband; mom doesn't need to go.
"But people will ask questions!" Yes, but honestly, they are not entitled to a detailed answer. Her husband has to support her here; he shouldn't shrug and say "Well, you'll have to ask her" when the rest of the family asks after her.
Depending on how her household works, she can simply say that as she gets older she cherishes time alone. Acknowledge that family is special, but remind folks that family is the one group that should cut you some slack. We all have relationships we MUST keep up, often relating to job security or business success. Emphasize to the family that THEY are the ONE group you know supports you and will let you have the private time you desperately need.
I am interested that she has only now reached the end of her rope. Is there something else going on and this is the manifestation of it? I'm not suggesting what it might be--physical or mental health but undiagnosed. If this were my spouse, I would lovingly suggest counseling....and possibly a visit to her own doctor alone.
20
@Margaret McLaughlin I had similar thoughts to yours: that I can easily imagine feeling too swept up if a family does many get-togethers.. birthdays, anniversaries, etc etc. These can be wonderful but not for an introvert. It's hard to love other people if you are not authentic with them and make clear what you need and enjoy. Without being rude. Counseling might help her set limits instead of feeling so resentful...
1
She sure uses the word I quite a bit doesn’t she. This woman seems to forget that she made a decision to join a family that already existed and if she felt this way about her husband’s children she never should have joined the family. She’s also been fundamentally dishonest to her husband. This is not an introvert. It’s someone who exhibits narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies.
16
Retitle "step children" as "children-in-law." That makes everything easier to understand.
Once the spouse is gone, the motivation to continue being civil to people you don't like is gone as well. Somehow because we are talking about "children," who are not children but adults, it seems more horrifying to end the relationship, but they are really in the same category as other in-laws: people artificially placed into your intimate "family" that you are expected to love, no matter what they may be like.
LW1 did not raise them so their idea of social norms and behavior may be quite different from his/hers. Imagine people with bad manners or repulsive habits or lack of hygiene. If the spouse is gone, why should s/he have to put up with them?
It truly IS a bonus when you are lucky enough to marry someone with a child who is lovable. I legally adopted my stepson when he was of age. It has been wonderful for all concerned (including my birth children), but I know it's not like that for every blended family.
22
After both my biological parents passed I finally disowned my 2 very difficult and greedy brothers.
I married a widow 1982, she has passed, her daughter and her entire family including her husband’s family are my TRUE family. I love them all and glad to know them all.
I
Age 16 I knew to never extend my bad seed clan.
There was no big confrontation with my brothers.
I ghosted, they have never looked for me. Same email.
My Will passes everything to my chosen family.
17
One point that struck me in the job posting ad is what happens once a revised ad is posted. Is it not likely that the director will hire a woman candidate because that's what the students want? Isn't it unethical to post the ad knowing that male candidates will put time and effort into the process and have no chance of being selected?
6
@maeve Then is it 'unethical' that students prefer and have expressed the preference for a woman instructor? Why does the government get to dictate where a customer takes their business? I can think of a number of valid reasons why students might prefer one gender over another. Doesn't make them bigots; it makes them customers.
8
@Comp As a customer, one gets to decide female or male teacher; as an employer, no. So while I understand the concerns that lead one to prefer female over male teachers (or vice versa), the choice ultimately has to be the customer's. Walk.
1
Not only can we not always explain our love or lack thereof, we cannot choose whom we love. And, yes, white lies are necessary for happy social and family ties.
At the same time, having lived with and known these stepchildren for decades with no stronger feelings is highly unusual. Going on for decades I’d be surprised if no one recognized her marked preference and favoritism.
Lastly, since the writer is looking to a future in which she’s a widow, I must wonder if inheritance is to be an issue.
8
The stepmother refers to her husbands children from previous marriageS ( pleural) , so I wonder, how old are these "children", how long has she been in this marriage? What were the circumstances of their relationship and his previous ( how many?) marriages. I have nothing against more than one marriage, but I think the stepmother does need a good therapist to help her look deeper at this. Someone commented that she seems to be a narcissist but I disagree, a narcissist would not reach out at all with any questions about their feelings , in fact a narcissist would just believe she is absolutely right in this, and would simply blame the children and husband. I hope she figures herself out before she or her husband dies so she can be more at peace.
The music teacher, I do not think it is unethical at all to ask for female teacher. Some people are more comfortable with a female from teacher to massage therapist to doctor etc.
13
@R Opal
"Some people are more comfortable with a female from teacher to massage therapist to doctor etc."
And some people prefer a male for any or all of these roles. Especially if the role touches on something private or sensitive. And the preferred sex need not be one's own sex.
Please do not drag sexual politics into this discmfort and shame those who have it with misandry or misogyny.
5
The woman who asks what to do about her interactions with her stepchildren says she never had any feelings for them but "adores" her own child. She should be discussing this with her husband. He and his children by his previous marriages must be very kind and/or lacking insight in order to have coped with her aloofness and possible coldness for decades. She says "I have never wanted much contact with people." She can assure she has much less by telling her stepchildren how she feels. "Adoring" her own child in addition to everything else she says about herself indicates narcissism. Adoration isn't love, and a narcissist can "love" a child because it is viewed as an extension of the self. She doesn't seem to realize or care about how badly she would damage her husband's relationship with his children.
7
Really liked Appiah's answer re: love of, or not, stepchildren. Sometimes you can others, you cannot as your heart is just not there for that person. Being kind, compassionate and accepting of their words is just as important however. I would keep my thoughts to myself, they probably know how you don't feel, and make every effort to keep them in my life for as long as they want; perhaps on a more limited basis as it's more comfortable for you to not be close with many people. I also know,as Appiah states, that to be human is to be healthier and stronger with other humans around.
11
Some years ago, I was sitting closely beside my much-adored great-nephew who was probably 4-5 years old at the time. I had my arm around him, hugging him. I said to him “I love you and Uncle Will loves you”.
Said great-nephew looked up at me and said “you LOVE me but Uncle Will likes me”. Even though my husband was gentle and kind with him and played with him, he is emotionally more distant, a formal person not used to little children.
I LOVE my great-nephew and he knew the difference. It did not seem to upset him but he knew instinctively who ADORED him.
I suspect the step-children “know” as well. Their step-mother only owes them decency, respect, kindness, fairness, etc. If she cannot love them, she still should treat them well.
39
@Peyton Collier-Kerr I am not a "natural" around kids and never had any of my own, but I definitely remember the ones who stand out, like your great-nephew. My husband and I once visited old friends and were introduced to their son who had just turned five. I was left alone with him while the rest of the adults ran off on some errand, and he decided to give me a tour of his house. He was showing me things and I was nodding and smiling, and he suddenly looked up at me and said, "You're not used to kids, are you?" I gave him a huge (genuine) smile and said, "You're absolutely right, but that's okay." And he nodded his head and resumed the house tour. That kid, I really liked.
11
It is quite difficult to spring fully in love with your beloved's family - your primary relationship is with your husband, not with all of his relationships. If one falls into that all-too-familiar group of people, remember that they are an extension of your beloved and if you are not loving to them, respectful of them, you may be hurting your beloved. And remember that children are different - they need the adults around them to reinforce that they are worthy of love, and if you fall in love with someone who has children, you are agreeing to that. It would doubtless be impossible for someone new to you to feel that love for your child that you feel. Kindness works. Compassion works. Try that.
34
As a singer and voice instructor, I prefer to study with a female teacher, and I believe I am a more effective teacher of the female voice than the male voice because I am female. There are many differences between male and female voices and how they are used, and it's easier for an instructor of the same gender as a student to demonstrate certain vocal techniques. This would be the most logical way to proceed if there was only one position available and it was to teach both piano and voice, but only if the student roster of voice students is heavily female.
34
I am a step daughter, and I have a awesome relationship with my stepfather. He has been the father I long to have. I've heard many adults have some sort of resentment with the new stepmother or stepfather. Each story is different. The write loves her child with her husband, but seems to have a disconnect with his children from a first marriage. Yet, she says she doesn't want to be around with people in general. It could be that she's anti-social and put a front because she loves her husband. I feel that if she loves him, and is friendly or respectful for him, if she truly wants to change, she could seek counseling to find the underlying issue. Hiding your true self, causes friction within yourself and the longer you try to hold it in, or try to control these emotions, your body can hold so much, before it can't hold and you can't control. I'd suggest be open with your husband, share your feelings, if you can't already. People can change, but it comes from the person. The way she says she wants to not speak to them, after he dies, does this mean, she does it because she loves and respect her husband? My feeling is, understanding yourself and why you do things, is hard to do on your own. Seeking someone professional, can give you insight. It can be something that happened as a child, that has continuous resurface and overtime, you can't control it.
17
I am a piano teacher who travels to students' homes. The majority of my students are children between ages 4 and 12. At more than half the homes, the parents do not provide me with a chair. Rather, they expect I share the bench with the child student. That means the student and I are sitting shoulder to shoulder, often touching, on the shoulder, torso, forearm, and thigh, etc. And I do touch their hands frequently throughout the lesson.
The parents are typically off in a different part of the house. At other music schools I have taught at, the child and I are in a closet-sized room with the door closed and no windows- alone.
I am a 28 yr old female. The preference for female piano teachers is strong. I can't imagine parents would allow an adult male that much totally private access to their child. It would be akin to hiring a male babysitter.
39
@Lauren
I was a piano teacher with children the same age as your students. Can't you ask the parents to provide with a chair.
Years later, when my own son took piano at our home, a chair was provided to his teacher. A non-issue.
4
@Lauren Everything else you say makes sense, but the part about "the parents do not provide me with a chair" sounds like creating a problem yourself. Why not specify the requirement of a chair when booking the lessons?
3
@Lauren
Wheh I was 13 I transfered from my elderly lady neighborhood teacher to a music college downtown. My teacher said she had taken me as far as she could, and if I wanted further instruction (and I did), then it would have to be in a more advanced environment.
Well, I was a painfully shy and self-conscious kid, and they gave me a young male teacher. He was a perfectly appropriate and nice young man, but I was terrified of him. My friend said he would be certain to make a pass at me --- or worse.
i began to dread my lessons and tried to find friends or my mother to come with me, without explaining why because I was ashamed. My mother was a strict disciplinarian and also hated any mention of sex. Wow I was in a bind.
Even though my skills should have been getting better, they declined. I couldn't communicate with the teacher about my music, which I was sectretly passionate about, and tell him what I was dying to learn to play.
The whole thing was a disaster. The teacher was puzzled; my practicing fell apart. To make matters worse, a man exposed himself to me in the halls of the old, dim school, scaring me into a new electron orbit. I was sure he was stalking me.
My mother finally withdrew me from the school at my request, complaining mightily about the cost. (I didn't tell her about the man exposing himself.) My piano skills atrophied and didn't really pick up again until college. But I never attained the proficiency I could have. That window kind of closed.
5
I'm not an expert, but it seems to me that being female might be a bona fide occupational qualification for voice teachers. If a person is female and wants to sing in a cetain range--let's say: soprano--wouldn't it be better to have a teacher who sings in that range? Maybe the posting should have said "soprano voice teacher" or something like that.
Likewise, a female piano teacher might teach in a different style than a male teacher. Not bold and brassy; rather, soft and gentle!! My piano teacher was female and also taught me singing: I'm so sorry I quit my lessons!!
16
@lucky13 Your second paragraph perpetuates a bias. Ever hear of Janis Joplin? Ever been to an opera? Soft and gentle indeed!
6
"Generally they have treated me very well, and iI think they actually do love me" She goes on to fantasize about her husband's death and how she will sever all ties with them. Yet there is one child she and her husband had that she adores.
People may harbor these feelings but don't reveal them or act on them. If folks knew how she felt and what she wished to do upon her husband's death, which by the way she assumes will be before hers, She would have no worries because folks wouldn't go near her. I wonder how the child she bore with her husband has fared within this family dynamic.
33
@R L Donahue - I wondered why she was so sure he’d die before her (maybe he’s much older, but still).
1
In 2018, the Post ran an excellent Mother's Day story about Abe Lincoln's stepmother Sarah Bush Johnston Lincoln. She was a widow with 3 children when Abe's father married her. Lincoln was in his early teens and his sister was 11.
Sarah Bush Lincoln truly loved her stepchildren and she was the one who encouraged him to get educated. She ran interference with his father on this issue. He loved her back, calling her his "angel mother."
The Post story said "the affection between Lincoln and his stepmother continued all of his life...Lincoln later told a relative his stepmother "had been his best friend in this world and that no son could love a mother more than he loves her."
I don't know how old this woman's stepchildren were when she married their father, and I don't know the circumstances of the divorce. Was she the cause of her husband's divorce, in which case maybe the stepchildren are not so crazy about her either? Even if she was, it is too bad that she couldn't summon a least some real affection for her stepkids, as divorce is very hard on kids.
When I was about 10 years old, my stepmother -- who I loved very much (my father was a widower) -- gave me a kids' book called "Abe Lincoln's Other Mother" about Sarah Bush Lincoln. I must have read that book 7 or 8 times. Maybe this woman should read it.
61
She knew she was getting some association with the kids as a package deal when she said, "I do." A basic level of civility and kind social interaction is the minimum she signed up for.
58
Having known a narcissist whose attitudes were strikingly similar to LW 1, who is so "pained" even to appear to care about anyone but herself, I would suggest that the step-children do indeed perceive her "pain" when she must tolerate them more or less pleasantly. My narcissistic friend explained to me that she had decided just to do what she wanted at every point from then on, as she had suffered so much more than others (in her own view). She spoke with pride of how, when a neighbor in some trouble pounded on her door, she "didn't feel like getting off the couch," and so didn't answer. That seemed reasonable to her. However, when her doting and very elderly mother died, no one else could abide her complaining and inability to see or care for anyone else. And she is alone and miserable, angry at the cruel world, in her age. The LW here speaks of her "adored child", the only person she will apparently have to lean on (and such folk do lean, plenty)--and a real and heavy burden on that child she will be. I don't think it likely that her child will really be able to shoulder that weight, not in a healthy way. Too bad, all the way around.
82
@jb yes what will her own child think, when her mother cuts off with her half brothers and sisters? She has a Right to her siblings.
4
Outside of an intense romantic relationship, who constantly says 'I love you'? It just seems bizarre to me. I'm close to my kids, but that's something I would only say under very extreme circumstances (impending death, say).
8
@J many people say it regularly when they say goodby on the phone or after a visit. We do in my family. It is natural and spontaneous, but also it is to keep the fates at bay so if you never see your loved one again, you have the comfort of knowing that your last words were ones of love.
96
@Allison
But doesn't it lose its force if it's effectively just another version of 'see ya'?
10
@J It's unfortunate that the English language only has one word for the concept of love. You seem to restrict love to romantic love, when the love for a child is completely different, but certainly no less intense and binding. Likewise love for friends and family can be a different love again. Love for me is so much more than a simple concept to constrain within a box.
35
I think LW1 is failing to make an essential distinction between how she feels and how she behaves.
Not to put too fine a point on it, it doesn't matter how she feels, but it does matter how she behaves.
Common human decency, and the social contract require her to bear up under the apparently very heavy burden of extending mild civility to her step-children, even after the death of her spouse. Trust me, nobody cares how she really feels deep inside. It's time for her to grow up and accept that some feelings should be kept to one's self.
136
@Ben I agree with your distinction, but I think the problem is *why* she feels the way she does. I think she would benefit from counseling.
19
@Dj Humans have all kinds of feelings for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes those feelings come out of personal history eg something "bad" or "good" happened to move us in a certain direction. However at times it's simply who we were born as; a product of DNA. To be shy is genetic, to have a mind for math is genetic, to prefer limited company can also be genetic. It's not wrong or bad it just is. I don't agree that counseling can fix her because I don't know that she needs fixing. I do think she can be kind, as she apparently has been, and continue to offer an "I love you too", in return. These adult stepchildren knows how she feels about them, of course they do. If her husband predeceases her she may find those stepchildren relations, and her accompanying worry about maintaining relationships with them, vanish. Because, they too will be gone from her life naturally.
3
@Ben Yes, exactly. Love is an act of will as much as an emotion. I love someone if I actively will his/her good. It really doesn't matter how one feels about that person--just how one behaves in relation to him/her. LW1 should get counseling, but should also acknowledge that she is obliged, regardless of how she feels, to be motivated by a concern for the good of all her husband's children.
Why put yourself in the company of people with whom you have little in common? I have been staying away from in-law gatherings for years. His family wants to talk to him, not me, anyway. The arrangement has worked very well for us. Hopefully, you can discuss the issue with your spouse and then not worry about his family. Enjoy your time alone while he is visiting.
16
@Nina
Agree with you. In- law family meetings are at time difficult when people dont really want to listen to your opinions or be with you. They want to be with the individual who is related to them
I have spent many a day at home not because I had to but because it was easier all around. There is enough drama without adding to it.
2
@Nina She’s talking about the children of the man she loves. It’s not like you don’t want to visit your in-laws!
4
I AM a "bonus" mom. I met my husband when the kids were 2 and 5. I cannot imagine not being loving and fully engaged with them as they are now 8 and 12. I am their rock. My husband has to pay a lot of money to the ex (so he is stressed) as they do 50/50 custody. I changed my life plan/career based on the kids.
How on earth could you be involved in kids getting ready for school, doctor, dentist, picking them up, laundry, etc and not love them? My husband's ex has called ME to help when she can't deal with her kids. You signed up for the package. Embrace it and you will learn and be surprised what those kids can teach YOU. Perhaps you are scared of something?
118
@Hollie Z it appears that you are a person with feelings and empathy. LW1 seems very self-absorbed.
6
@Hollie Z
Well its nice that this marriage has worked for you. You have it all under control.
Unfortunately many people don't have this positive experience and those additional children are not viewed with the love that you have given to your children.
Wish for you continue great happiness and joy because that is what love is all about.
5
@Hollie Z - It sounds as tho the 'kids' she is talking about are already adults....that's different from taking on small children who need your loving attention.
4
Lying about caring for someone is unethical. LW1's stepchildren may be heartbroken to discover the LW wants nothing to do with them. It will be an additional blow after their father's death.
21
Guess what, her step kids already know she doesn’t love them. As she discuss her upcoming widowhood it’s not about the loss, it’s looking forward to never seeing them again. The loss is hers but that’s her choice, I only hope her step children can survive the damage done by her astounding lack of empathy
4
@Tai L Yes, if she really has managed to fool them all this time, and yet can fathom cutting them off once their father dies, she is a cruel person indeed.
2
1 needs to talk to a counselor, not a newspaper ethicist.
2 needs to just post the job listing. LW’s institution isn’t legally responsible for how another institution hires. The world won’t end if women have a teacher they feel comfortable with. (This seems to me like the guys who complain about females-only gyms.)
47
@Angelus Ravenscroft
The letter writer doesn't need counseling. She's happy. It's her husband who needs counseling. Why is he with a woman he doesn't realize is fantasizing about his death so she can off all relations with his children?
5
By large, if the children are very young when the step relationship forms, 100% of the burden is on the adult side to build a good family.
Any marriage without such commitment will produce broken homes and broken hearts.
Please don't marry unless you love the steps as your own.
36
Does LW1's beloved child consider the stepchildren as siblings? If yes, then no, you're not going to be able to sever ties with them completely.
Part of me feels very judgmental towards LW1's apparent coldness - it feels as if she hasn't actually opened her heart to these stepchildren. But she may be painfully shy, or whatever her reasons are - love cannot be compelled. Civility is called for though.
60
@AP or she may be a narcissistic human
3
I see myself in the first letter writer. Throughout my life, I’ve disliked being close to people and been indifferent to socializing—even with those I love. I didn’t understand that my feelings were aberrant until I’d been married for several years, and my behavior was often (inadvertently) unkind or hurtful to those around me.
The letter writer has shown a continued willingness to compensate for her introversion out of consideration, which is commendable. If we all spent the effort to actively try to be ethical and kind, this world would be better.
42
@Kira Smith - please - being an Introvert is a type of human, who simply prefers a small amount of social interaction at a time, and hates masses of people in one place together, or needy extroverts that cannot go home ! I am an Introvert - I go into a sort of haze after more than 2 hours of social activity, screaming inside for freedom and space. This is just who we are - I care about other people, just can't abide the pushy ones ! Any interaction between the 2 types of humans always means give-and-take, and sometimes somebody gets offended. But your being offended at my need to go home after 2 hours of you talking at me non-stop in hysterical fashion, should not be seen as an offense to you - it's as much MY need to escape as your need for the attention. I care about your need, but my eyes will glaze over & you WILL know sooner or later that I am having trouble staying on the program, so I get out while things are still friendly - before you feel offended !!! On the other hand - have some sort of problem, faint or choke or almost walk under a car & I will jump to your rescue - just don't talk at me for hours afterwards ! Hopefully you 'get it' now ?
5
@vcragain , just explain it to people like that; I’m sure no one will bother you again.
2
We don’t know much about LW1, maybe the stepkids were grown by the time she married their dad and she didn’t interact with them daily. I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she tried to treat them as kindly as she was able. The comment that it was “painful” to interact with them today got my attention. As an introvert (and one who is very good at faking it, so that few know I’m an introvert) social interactions can be uncomfortable for me too, especially extended ones. What helps me is to explain the situation and go take a break. Go find a quiet room for a couple of hours during the big family weekend and read. Get in the car and go someplace quiet if you have to. If you’re questioned, explain that you are an introvert (use that word!) and sometimes you need a break to recharge. People understand that. And giving yourself that chance to recharge can make these gatherings a lot less “painful.”
43
@Courtney N Yes!
Ever since childhood I have had to leave the party and go into a quiet room to recharge. I can recall a time at a families Christmas party (not relatives) when I just couldn't bear it another minute. I was about 11 and knew it would help to go into another room and read a magazine for a while. At some point one of the adults walked through the room and saw me. She stopped, and said, "Honestly! You're just like your father!" I had had no idea.
7
I don't think it is ever unethical to pretend to care about others. You might find you really do care eventually. Not only that, but as you age you might find it nice to have other people around who at least pretend to care about you.
69
LW1's language is startlingly distant and affectless.
The "family" she "married into" consists, even after decades, of perceived outsiders. "Married despite" would seem more accurate than "married into."
Except for "adoring" her child and experiencing stepfamily interactions as "pain," she describes a generalized sense of detachment, veiled - from people in general and from her husband's loved ones in particular - by a polite but insincere pretense of interest.
Her husband is mentioned only as a producer of other children from multiple previous marriages, and of one child with her. "Once my husband dies" is seen as an expected obstacle-removing prelude to a pleasing future of isolation.
Her only attachment appears to be with her biological child. I fear for the child's prospects to assert independence and form other bonds, given the exclusivity of the mother's emotional investment/dependence on him/her.
Not desiring contact with people other than the one a person gave birth to suggests that there may be undercurrents, perhaps of loss, beyond the subtexts in the letter. If explored in safety, respect and gentleness, guided by a counselor with compassionate understanding of attachment dynamics, the letter writer might not have to wait for her husband's death to shape a richer, more pleasing life on her own terms, without the burden of faking love and sociability.
94
@Pam or she is narcissistic, and of course she could die first which would definitely resolve the issue
1
If she’s an older woman, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask questions like this. It’s called planning. What’s hew life likely to be like in 5 or 10 or 20 years? If she’s single then —- as demography suggests —- how is she to live her life as an older person? Can she count on her stepchildren for the social and emotional support required to age well? Probably not. So she should be thinking about alternatives. Find other, more compatible people in her own community? Move to a different place? Choose a continuing care retirement community in accord with her views of the world? There are lots of options, and she needs to think about all of them. Depending on some stepchildren who like her well enough, but who she can hardly get along with, is not a recipe for a happy and fulfilling old age. Good of her to be thinking of these issues now, and not later when it will be much harder to find friends of compatible interest, and social and emotional support!
7
@Florence Ingham I find it hard to imagine that these other "children" from his previous marriages don't feel this disengagement. My guess is there's plenty of "pain" to go around in this family and they are getting along with her as best they can in order to have some kind of relationship with their father.
46
@Florence Ingham I think you miscontrued LW1's point. She doesn't "love" her stepchildren, and seemingly can barely tolerate them, for seemingly no reason. She WANTS to cut them off completely, not to think about these "issues," as you put it. She's looking for affirmation/permission from Dr. A to become a reclusive sociopath.
35
It doesn’t appear that she was concerned about whether her step children would be there for her after their father died. She made it clear that she was not interested or engaged with them as people and looked forward to a step children free future. Her question was whether she should feel guilty about pretending to care in the meantime.
21
I'm wondering if I can love my children, never mind my stepchildren.
24
Brave question and one I suspect others wonder themselves. But Terrifying if you already have children.
8
My reaction to Third Letter Writer was quite different. I guess I am suspicious in this age of Epstein and Weinstein requesting female college students for a “job”. You didn’t go there in your response but under my scenario I would send no female students.
My heart goes out to Letter Writer Two. I suffered for years with social phobia. Still have it but I finally quit trying to do social things and told people why. I am not ashamed of it and am much happier. I do recommend a part time job. In the work place you only have to be pleasant and do beautiful work. I call my interactions...hit and run friendships. It works for me. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best.
8
@person - On social phobia - you are an Introvert - you should buy a book about it - it will explain you to yourself & will be a great relief I promise - we are not needing 'fixing' we are simply those who are quieter, more likely to enjoy peaceful reading time & thoughtful discussions with a pal or 2, about real subjects (not gossip) etc.....everybody has a few in their family....and always the extroverts try their best to force these quiet people to 'socialize' and get all 'ha ha ha' about nothing. Quiet joy is much better than the hysteria of party pleasure - only the extroverts cannot sit still long enough to discover that ! Relax & enjoy life - it's quite wonderful without any parties !
3
I'll go out on a limb and guess that your husbands kids already know how you feel and reciprocate those feelings, but are thankfully polite people. Don't get in the way of your child's relationship with them should they all choose to have one, and I doubt anyone will really notice your absence.
92
@MrsWhit Ouch! But you're probably right.
19
Oof, I don't know, step-mom. By your descriptions, you may get what you desire - when your husband dies, his children may actually want nothing to do with you. I suggest therapy to help deal with your avoidant tendencies. My husband's step-mother sounds a lot like you and there have been a few conversations over the years between siblings about how when their dad dies, they are done with her after dealing with years of being treated like they had the plague or weren't worth her time or effort.
50
@A Leopard Good points. But I would like to add there are others sides to all stories. My dad's wife of 40 years does not want anything to do with my dad's kids , except for me, she and I get along beautifully, and I love her very much; but she used to try. She has social anxiety for sure, but also, my siblings did not understand that and would make fun of her behind her back. As did my mother. For sure my dad's wife felt the vibes of people who did not try to accept her, and she gave up trying 10 years ago. But I have gotten to know her over all these years, her qualities and my dad loves her very much. So much of family life is complex and deep and requires so much backing off and just trying to be kind. We all have hangups and issues.
11
And, oof, Step-mom, don’t neglect the possibility that you could die before your husband! It would serve you well in your “adored child’s” future that you nurtured a respectful and inclusive relationship between all family members. Hey, I loathed my dad’s wife after my mom and dad divorced, but we managed to be loving and civil because that’s the kind of people my mom raised us to be.
1
People who do not love stepchildren or stepparents as their own are not "emotionally deficient". This is a common and natural reaction and arises from well-known evolutionary factors. Individuals are simply more willing to sacrifice for those who share some of their genes. Of course those who enter into such relationships, especially the stepparents who do it voluntarily, should be aware that if they do not develop strong positive feelings they are obliged to be courteous and helpful and not actively hostile. It is a mistake to give the impression to potential stepparents that they will automatically develop true parental feelings. Also potential stepchildren should be consulted beforehand, and it should not be assumed that they will automatically or "naturally" love their stepparents.
27
@skeptonomist There is a long way between loving someone like one's own child and fantasizing about never seeing this persona again, isn't there?
Most sane people would develop caring, friendly feelings for step children. I think the question is not strictly ethical; it has to do with mental health. But yes, ethically, the children have a right to know the true feelings of the step mother.
8
@skeptonomist
Altruism to others plays a part in ensuring the survival of your own genetic offspring. In the future, the well-being of LW1's beloved only biological child may depend on the strength of the bonds between that child and his/her half-siblings. So if LW1 loves her own child, she should have worked hard to assist her biological child to build ties of love and family feeling with the step-children. Step one would have been to do that herself. The risk is that on her husband's death, it won't be her rejecting the step-children; they may reject both her and their half-sibling. Then at her death, her child could be on his own. If she's lucky, all the children may have already formed bonds that enable them to bypass her lack of empathy. (I've seen that in my extended family, where a group of step-children made a pact to stick together in spite of, and in defense against, poor parental behaviour.)
12
"Better to be kind than to be honest" - (stolen from Bittenbyknitten below).
This is an important statement. We are in a quandary now because the veneer of civilization is being stripped while blaming victims and hurting people has become fashionable.
Fact is, by pretending to be civil, over time, we can acquire the habit of being kind. That's better than the reverse.
I find myself inadequate to the task of fully expressing what I mean, but this is an important lesson most of us learned as children, and being fair, kind, and tolerant are important, even if one has to work at it.
As my mother used to say: "friends are made, not born".
We need civility. We enforce it on those of lesser status in our society, but it should be a two-way street.
77
@Susan Anderson
I think you expressed yourself quite well and I fully agree - the greater moral issue is being kind, not being honest. Imagine how society would function if people freely discussed and acted on their lack of fondness to one another - relatives to relatives, coworkers to one another, teachers to students, parents to their children’s friends, doctors to patients, neighbors to neighbors, and so on. What kind of world would this be? A cold, dysfunctional society which no one could reasonably point to as an example of ethical living.
Thanks, as always, for what you wrote. Take care.
27
@NM
I'm not sure it helps to frame this as a simple kindness vs. honesty issue. Dishonest people do incredible damage in families. Family dynamics are more complicated than can be judged from LW's sparse information. Usually letters have more detail, though the whole advice format is problematic, Appiah's response as well as commenters. Still, love commentary for the breadth of opinions and sage nuggets .
4
That is true.
3
My mother is step mom to my 3 siblings. Her love for them, who where 8,16 and 20 when she came on the scene, has been a great gift to me - the little sister who also loves them very much.
107
re the music teacher, even if you post it as gender-neutral, they will probably hire a female. Who knows how many jobs you have posted that have a hiring bias not stated in the job description
13
#1. Why is it painful for you to interact with them?....
Why does your pain prevent you from having real deep
loving feelings towards them?....
These questions and more you must answer for yourself and or seek professional guidance with a counselor....
You are truly fortunate to receive their Love...
Allow their gift of Love to force you to look within as to why you cannot reciprocate real deep loving feelings for them....
You have the answers be honest with yourself. Best Wishes...
#2. Despite explicit gender job descriptions, some cases are
exceptions to the rule and recognized by law in a number of
landmark legal rulings.
Like casting major motion pictures, TV, commercials etc when the character is female etc
I won't hire 20 somethings because they have No experience for the job, yet they pretend they do and they manufacture fake film credits on their resumes
I will hire 20 somethings for paid internships but Not for
positions that require expertise & a professional work
ethic, which most 20 somethings do not have.
The paid internships force them to gain the craft experience
Tell the director how you feel and have the director change
the posting, regardless if they only want a female voice
teacher etc, then they will only hire a female but Who knows,
they might come across a male who is equally qualified and
perfect for the job...Best Wishes
6
@FFILMSINC
Love Tomi Um's illustrations each and every time she
nails it, so creative and truly gifted!!!!
2
@FFILMSINC WOW! You lose! I have worked in the creative arts my entire (long) life and have met many 20-year-olds with extraordinary talent and wherewithall.
2
I don't think the issue is whether Name Withheld might regret cutting herself off from her stepchildren someday and become depressed as a result of isolating herself socially. What about her own child, who may love her half-siblings and need that family connection now and later on, when his/her parents are both gone. Name Withheld should suck it up and keep that connection going at least until her own child is capable of making that decision for him/herself.
22
@Cathy Gallivan I agree entirely, but in spite of her supposedly great love for her biological child, she doesn’t seem to be thinking of that child’s eventual needs and desires, only her own.
9
Would Mr Appiah please share "suitable" language for a Employment Posting for a 21-30 year old POLE DANCER ?
3
@LouAZ Simply describe the job - pole dancing for men in a club. Few if any men will apply.
7
@LouAZ , I doubt that this is an actual problem, more an outlier to stump the ethicist. When a male applies to your establishment, let us know. (And there might well be a call for those um, athletes in some quarters.)
4
@JB LOL. I bet there will be some that apply.
1
I have had vocal coaching by both male and female instructors, instruments as well, and found both equal to the task. It was individual differences that mattered in how effectively we worked together. That said, striving to maintian the diversity of staffing (replacing a female instructor with another female) is a goal for most organizations so cannot be dismissed outright. That balance is sign of an organizations health so that's relevant. It also gives students an option that's sensitive to and reflective of their comfort level, being young, in working so closely with members of the opposite sex... it's an option that should be present for students based on their personal criteria and preferences.
Step-mom, please find a trusted therapist to discuss your situation. Commenters raise many concerns about the particulars of your situation and hypothisize about the intangibles with little detail from your short missive. Beyond the ethical concern, your appeal is complex and you deserve to work through all the primary and secondary issues raised by your situation, those easily identifiable and those more subtle. Begin now, so you have time and thought to devote to your therapy. See it for the journey of self-exploration, growth and change that it can be, and it can help you chart a future path that is nourishing, dignified, authentic and perhaps more expansive than you can envision now.
18
"I married into my husband’s family decades ago." --
WHAT ?!?!?! -
How about --
" I married a wonderful man decades ago who already had children from previous marriages" -
But no --
"I married into my husband’s family decades ago." -
Was this an arranged marriage - ?
I mean - how utterly distasteful it is to read that opening sentence in the context of the question --
And - by the way --
It's not so much how you may FEEL about another person -- it's how you TREAT them that matters -
Oh my goodness...
41
@Howard G
Many people get married to someone whose family is dominant in some way. The partner's family may have customs, rituals, expectations totally alien to the individual "marrying into" it. There may be pressure to do things that are egodystonic, or to participate in activities that are distasteful. Imagine a bookworm marrying someone whose family expects weekly participation in a bingo game, or a family which says to the newcomer "You're one of us now, and we Smiths always do X". This can be stifling or soul-destroying for certain kinds of totally healthy folk. Some families accept and encourage difference. Others treat newcomers like inmates in a prison (quite unconsciously and without bad intentions).
6
Please know that the stepmother is poisoning the entire family. In my case as a stepchild, the stepmother convinced my father to cut off all ties with his children, which created untold amounts of hate between the children and both parents, and even division between the children. My father even resented the loss of the relationship with his children. Basically every single relationship was poisoned. This is why they are called evil stepmothers. The questioner should know that she is a fairytale character.
29
@Herr Andersson Hell's bells! "This is why they are called evil stepmothers." It looks like you took some perfectly innocuous and honest statements from the letter and turned her into an evil character ifrom a Grimm's fairy tale, which bears no resemblance to reality. This woman is troubled because she feels like a phony showing affection to people she doesn't have affectionate feelings for. I feel sorry for her because she seems to shrink away from people in general (for reasons not clear). That means she's missed out on a lot of rewarding relationships in life and probably will continue to.
12
@Stephanie "evil" was over the top, but this woman sounds emotionally cut off from just about everyone. She sounds like she is counting down to becoming a widow. It might be that she is tired of the constant visiting, overnight stays, cooking meals, helping financially that this untold number of stepchildren may be demanding or expecting. Her tone seems more worn out to me than evil.
8
@M.K. Ward
She shouldn’t have married into the family then. She knew what she was getting herself into. She sounds mean spirited and selfish.
1
Lw #2 In music education there is a long held tradition with voice (singing) teachers that it is better for children to learn from a female because the adult female voice is more like the children's voices. It implies a man would have to teach in falsetto. This is no longer true, of course, but it is a persistent idea and a case could be made for the "imitation" of voice quality in some approaches to teaching singing. There is no scientific basis for this, of course, and as with everything it would depend on the teacher. The request for a female teacher is likely based on this and not, overtly, on gender bias. Unconsciousness is a better descriptor. Re: LW#1 I feel sorry for someone who has to lead a false life, pretending to love her stepchildren. I would suggest therapy all around.
1
In regard to the first letter, I wonder if the step-mom is working very hard to get to know her step-children. It sounds like they are accepting of her and tell her they love her. This is not often the case. I am trying not to judge her (well without much success). But she seems to me a bit cold and self centered. This is not an introvert issue, but one of kindness, generosity, being interested in the lives of others—in this case lives that are important to her husband. She doesn’t mentally or in other ways seem to be making any real effort to engage and instead wonders what family will be like when her husband dies. I think she is missing the boat. She has an opportunity to expand her world and is too small to give such a real try. Pity, she might find laughter and love—priceless gifts in today’s world. Please reconsider. See a therapist.
28
Reading the comments I can tell that many have suffered from the forced social construct that is the blended family. Many of these commenters however, are stepchildren themselves. I think what is lacking is a perspective of the stepparent. What makes the stepmother "evil"? My honest take would be that anyone would do anything to guard the peace and integrity of their family. And if this state is threatened by others, then a natural defence reaction will occur.
"But divorce is never a child's fault, they did not ask for this, if one takes a parter who has a child one should accept the child as well" I have heard these things for years. "Should" is a terrible word. It is a terrible thing that society expects that another's child should be a priority to the new spouse. It is an imposition, forced, and as the OP shows, leads to insincerity and deceit.
Why should sacrifice be a social requirement? What makes the child's peace of mind take prominence over that of the spouse? All anyone can do is to defend their own boundaries. To be selfish, to put oneself first. If this means limiting contact with stepchildren, so be it.
6
An interesting though unpersuasive defense of unnecessary coldness and selfishness. Given how little a "sacrifice" it is to be civil to people who are certainly civil to you, it's absurdly self-entitled to argue it. That said, it would be best for others, including the family of this apparent narcissist, that she leave them alone. She need give no reason. I believe they might have been "sacrificing" somewhat in order to be kind to her despite what her nature apparently is. She doesn't seem the sort really to hide it well. Let her be alone. That will be her fate.
14
@jb That's harsh. With this man's history of numerous marriages, he doesn't sound like much of a prize. These "children" (I'm assuming they are adult children, but either way) may be depending too much on her for some kind of connection to the father. Wouldn't that make you want to go live in a little cabin somewhere with your one child and a bunch of good books? Why not assume the honesty of this woman is not from being self-centered, but self-caring? I wish she had said how many children she is pretending to form a relationship with and how often she sees them ….
7
@M.K. Ward , I'm afraid a real chasm exists between people who believe the kind of "self-caring" that you (and the LW, I suppose) is fine and those who believe it is not fine at all. Ayn Rand would be of the first kind, no doubt--but most of us, thank God, are not. Not to vaunt in any amazing selflessness, but to say that it is actually normal and needful to a social polity to be capable of civility, kindness, and tolerance of one another without feeling put upon or angry. I pity those who can't, and more, those who try to care for them, however useless or unappreciated that care.
5
Wow, this could be written by my own stepmother. If so, please know that even though I say I love you, and perhaps I really do, I completely understand that a loveless future may await us when my father dies. Perhaps it’ll be a relief for both of us to finally be free. On the other hand, we may discover we really do love each other.
52
@Picot I think you have a very healthy attitude. You just may gain true relationship with your step-mom if you will keep your window open. I hope you will.
11
"if the students came from a religious tradition that prohibited them from spending time with men outside their own families" - what a strange distinction for the Ethisist to make - its ok to discriminate in hiring practices if your religion, or your customers' religion, says it's ok?
16
To the stepparent - do you really have that many people trying to love you? I feel very sad for everyone involved here, but especially someone who can see that people are trying so hard to love her and she is just hoping the person that draws them together is going to die so she doesn't have to even care. This is one of the saddest and most selfish things I've ever heard of. I hope you have a good life, but, to me, you don't seem to have a lot to offer and maybe distancing yourself is best.
24
@M.K. Ward I'm replying to my own comment. I was too hard here. After I thought about it I could see very many ways this woman may having been trying to connect with these family members.
2
LW#2. Easy answer. It's illegal to sex-discriminate, and legally actionable if public.
It's quite right for the LW to ask her to take it out of the listing.
The hiring school can do many things to pre-qualify responding teachers, but saying "no men, please" is asking for legal trouble.
5
Would the ethicist be singing a different tune if the piano teacher ad specified the “race” of the teacher? Would it a BFOQ if the students were racists? I fear tone deafness as the ethicist uses pretzel logic to arrive at not only legally but morally flawed advice. The letter writer knows that the job poster would not seriously consider anyone not female. The ethicist supports this position because the discriminated party is male or non-gender conforming? The ethical question clearly stated by the letter writer is it ethical to turn a blind eye to something you know in your gut is wrong so some class of music program students can be provided work opportunities at the expense of other classes of students.
5
LW1: I find it interesting that the writer is already planning how it's going to be after the spouse is gone.
Have they thought THEY might be first? Might totally turn the perspective around.
18
I write as a middle aged stepmother, with one adult stepson (who have been around since he was 6). I realise that having no natural children of my own might cloud my views, but I would freely concede that the feeling towards my stepson is not as strong as I feel it would be if it was my child.
However, I think the main reason for that is just the fact that he lived most of the time with his mother, therefore the parenting that I had to do was limited. I am pretty sure I would have felt closer if I was a full time parent and would feel equally towards an adopted child or a biological child.
I feel it is extremely cold - but honest - that you don't love them although I fail to see how some feeling wouldn't grow. I can understand the intensity might be different but surely you must feel something more than ambivalence towards them?
It's hard for me not to feel judgemental - sure it's within your heart to not be so chilly with them?
20
I read this article because my deceased and beloved wife had a similar issue with my children. She was responsible and always took care of them, but she never seemed to develop a deep affection for them. In later life she grew to like and even love my son, but earlier she was aloof and cool, always polite and attentive to needs, but never warm and affectionate. It was a troubling issue for me and especially for my son, but she always loved me deeply. There was never a question about that. I tried to make up for it by being demonstratively loving toward my son and accepting of my wife. She was who she was. and I was lucky to have had her in my life.
31
@Bob I have been in your wife's position. All I can say is that I found that love grows. Sometimes, birth parents indirectly foster the feeling by feeling so much guilt that they are not with their child enough, that that overshadows and stunts or delays the natural growth of love that might grow between step famililes. Just my observation from my situation and observing others.
the words about your wife are beautiful though, Bob. You are lucky to experienced love like that. Best wishes
15
@Bob I would be interested to know your children's side of the story.
2
The woman with a problem of love of stepchildren wrote, "The rest of the children are from his [her current husband's] previous marriages". Well, when one links oneself to a spouse with children, one should foresee intrafamilial difficulties.
Apart from that, love is a very uncertain emotion that my range from psychological aberration (e.g., infatuation misinterpreted as love) to true love, whatever the latter may be.
For the first letter writer to be fantasizing about life after her husband dies is problematic for many reasons. Most glaring is that she is looking forward to life without him. What does that say?
Most people in relationships have such fantasies , but when they are common enough to cause you to write a letter to The Ethicist, they are evidence that there are unresolved issues with your spouse. Speak to your husband, or do couples therapy.
My wife and I often talk about when the other gets run over by a bus. We do it for financial planning purposes though.
13
My husband and I lost our first spouses to cancer at a young age. When we met and married, our 4 children were adults. I read an article online that suggested we refer to each other's children and grandchildren as "bonus" instead of "step". I have a bonus son and a bonus daughter and 5 bonus grandchildren. And they really have been a bonus in my life.
88
@Barbara Goglia LOVE BUTTON! So wise
7
LW#1 - there has to be more than she is telling us, if she is really thinking about throwing a grenade at both her steps AND her husband.
She can do as she wishes, but might want to consider a couple of things before flipping the bird at the steps.
First - declaring war with previous kids of a spouse is likely going to nuke her relationship with her husband. Seen it in my own family, doesn't end well for anyone.
Second - absent proximate cause, what useful purpose is being served by going out of her way to be hurtful? Regardless of her antipathy, they will be present in her life for at least the intermediate future. It seems an intentionally cruel gesture, and the only purpose I can see is to draw advance lines for an estate fight.
Third - life is long. If I read between the lines, hubby is quite likely a few years older, and probably will predecease LW. In grieving, it might be useful to have some stepkids who can speak meaningfully to her loss, and share the burden of grief, even if things feel chilly today.
If she intentionally wants to drive a wedge that will upend her life both predictably and unpredictably, that is a different matter altogether.
18
@Brian Good points. I had an aunt who clearly preferred me to her stepdaughter. It confused me as a child and caused me to love my aunt less as an adult because my cousin had already lost her mom and an older sister and truly deserved more love and care from her stepmom. When you marry a person who has children, you are marrying into a family, not just marrying a single individual. Sometimes we just have to think beyond our preferences to what is right.
36
I'm both a stepchild & a stepmother. My actions as a stepmother are in large part a response to what I went through (& sadly in my mid-50s still go through) w/my dad & his wife, as I sure don't want my step kids to feel the same way about me as I do about my stepmother. There aren't enough characters in the Comment box to describe everything that's happened in my family of origin since my dad remarried over 30 years ago, but my dad is pretty much a non-presence in my brother's & my lives (& our respective families), & a constant presence in my stepmother's daughter (from her first marriage) & her children's. My brother, stepsister, & I were all adults when the respective parents married, so it wasn't a Brady Bunch situation by any means. On the other hand, my husband's children were a bit younger (late teens), & my daughter a tween, when my husband & I married, so the situation is a bit different, but we never all lived in the same house (or even the same state). We worked hard to ensure that we visited my husband's children, had them come visit us, & didn't push or tell any of the kids how they should feel about any of the others. All three kids refer to themselves as siblings, which makes my husband & I quite happy. Anyway, getting back to LW1...I know it's not my stepmother that wrote that, but the dislike for her husband's children that was expressed by LW1 is extremely much like my stepmother's not-at-all-hidden feelings toward my brother & me.
18
LW1 says she does not like social interaction, but for her husband would avoid her stepchildren and even fantasizes about widowhood. Her only attachment appears to be her biological child. She has spent decades pretending to like her stepchildren- an experience she describes as painful. It must be exhausting to have pretended to care for her relatives for decades. Do they really love her? I wonder. She never indicates a desire or need for company or friends. Solitude and absence from socialization may well be more comfortable for her.
19
@Nancy D , and for all.
7
The Step children post ruminated at the back of my mind for the whole day until a final 'bitter leaf' finally came out.
Not judging the Questioner...what struck me was the whole negative cultural baggage laden in the words: Stepchild or Step Parent.
The very few friends or close associates whom I know have taken in someone from another family by marriage unconsciously did everything to avoid the 'Step' word.
She's my Wife. (You don't say she's my second or third go-around)
You are all OUR children.
This YOUR family now.
We are your Parents.
From the stories and the movies and even Fables...'STEP' always precedes Bad things.
Step parents are always hateful.
Step Children are always secondary.
In smaller instances, the Step Parent is the Adult who is NOW in Power. The Step children have to be careful or be mindful to always curry favor... and it usually starts with the Adult who insists on the word 'STEP' when they talk about the other part of their Family.
In this case, I see a profound irony. The woman who spoke of not loving her Step Children did not find herself in a Position of Power. In truth, SHE is the 'Stepchild' entering into a Larger Family already strong and cohesive in their love for each other. And it bothers her.
Maybe she needs to sit by herself and ask herself WHY she insists on the word STEP?
27
I was an adult when my parents both remarried. My stepmother asked, on her wedding day, the day after we first met in person, if she could refer to me as “her child.” I was nearly dumbstruck at the notion. I have a mother. I was happy for my father’s happiness, and his new wife’s request was well meaning, but the idea that we were now “her children” was divorced from reality. Every family is different. I think people should strive to be kind and respectful and the rest will work itself out. Letter Writer #1 should be able to find plenty of time for solitude without rudely pushing people away.
14
there are always going to be favorite children. Those of us who aren't among them are well aware of it.
20
@AZYankee Oh yes This is sadly true...this I know. In this age of multiple divorces and 'Blended Families' it' is so easy for one parent to silently if not openly assure that MY CHILD'S interests come FIRST.
I still say that if we eschew the 'Step' and the ugly connotations hanging on to it, we get a little closer to the ideal.
After all...the children often never have any choice or power in the matter.
4
Am impressed with the ethicist's response on the I-don't-like-my-stepkids. I have one stepchild who has been horrible to me, and one who has been primarily absent, but very pleasant when rarely around. But this woman says her stepchildren have all been pleasant and she still doesn't like them. I felt her resentment was too much. But when I read the ethicist's response, I really got that he was offering her usable advice, removed of judgment, just good advice to the person who was being honest about their quandary. And isn't that the objective of an advice column?
38
@Bett Of course, this is supposed to be an ethics column, so I hope the objective is to discuss the ethics of a behavior -(I think he did this time).
5
Thank you the “Pretend to Love” question and answer. I, too, struggle with this. Your answer made me feel much better. Thank you.
13
LW 1 - Does your husband know how you feel about his children from a prior relationship(s)? How do you know he will go first? If money is your concern (and I'm not sure it is) - well, my friend thought he would outlive his step-mother and get his inheritance, promised to him out of what money was left after she died. He did outlive her, but she had also outlived the money. LW 2 - I am thinking, unlike Professor Appiah, that it IS a religious thing.
4
@PrairieFlax I think it is all about the money. LW1 probably knows she will have to share her husband's money with the stepchildren and doesn't want to have to experience what they do with it after he's departed (gold-plated toilets, Maseratis). That said, I agree with most who say these adult kids surely know her true feelings, unless she is an amazing actress.
Your step children already know.
74
“I know we are not allowed to discriminate in our hiring because of age or gender, but the people [the “roster”] who will work with the successful candidate don’t want anyone over 35... and would prefer a good looking woman.”
“Is that OK???”
12
IRL yes. Ask anyone over 45 trying g to get re-employed after a layoff.
7
@AZYankee :
agree; not legal but very, very common.
6
Wow, some very judgmental and harsh comments here about LW1. I agree with the Ethicist's response, and also with commenters who mention the issue of preserving LW1's kid's relationship with their half-siblings. But I certainly don't think we have enough information here to assume LW1 is cruel, heartless, bitter, needs to see a therapist, etc. Everyone seems to be assuming LW1 is female (although this isn't actually stated), and I can't help wondering if some of this criticism is a bit gendered. As a woman who doesn't have warm feelings toward her stepchildren, perhaps people are viewing her unconsciously as violating some rule that women must be endless founts of love and warmth. She just doesn't have any feelings for these people. Maybe they're jerks, we don't actually know! In any case, she can't choose to like them (see Martial quote). She also states that she "ha[s] never wanted much contact with people". She's not into people! It seems to me that having to put on a false front with these family members for many years is painful for her--she feels dishonest! Her question to the Ethicist is not whether he'll give her permission to cut them off but whether he thinks her fake love for them is actually ethical! This strikes me as an important distinction. Anyway, she could be a horrible, heartless person, but based on the letter I don't think we have enough evidence to conclude that.
28
I am a stepmother and have been one in 2 of my 3 marriages. I have one biological child who I had with my first husband. Counting all the children I have been a "step" too I have 6 stepchildren. I have to admit I love my daughter differently but that's only because I have been with her since conception. I did not come into my stepchildren's lives until they were older (13 and 8 for hubby 2; 16,18,20, and 27 for hubby 3) so it is a different type f love. But I do not and would not ever want to say I do not love them even if it is different than the love I have for my daughter.
I am a stepchild too as my father remarried after my mother's death. While my stepmother became my stepmother when I was already grown, I can say that I love her. Not like I loved my mother but I do love her and I hope that she and my father have many more happy years together.
To me, love is something that you should give freely-it is not rationed so I do not even think of it as something I need to deliberately withhold from anyone who is in my intimate circle. While I don't expect to ever have the same place their mother does in the lives of my stepchildren, I do hope they consider me a friend and not just the woman who is/was married to their father. That's a kind of love too...friendly love.
77
@TexGmn I haven't any biological children, just an now adult stepson but I think you have entirely summed up my feelings. Friendly love - I love the way you phrased that. I really hope my stepson feels like that towards me as I do to the fine young man he is
14
@TexGmn Your comment made me think about my mother, and my mother-in-law, both now deceased. I loved my mother, but she was a difficult person. Right until the end, I was kind and caring towards her (which I did out of genuine love) even when she was outwardly mean and hostile towards me.
I *adored* and loved my mother-in-law. She was kind and giving, and taught me a lot about how to be in this world. I do think that what you give is what you get back. LW1 likely will not get much back. It’s her loss, and very sad for her biological child.
5
@TexGmn
Love is not to be rationed - wow! Best comment of the year.
5
LW1...big pressure on the "adored child" to be the object of love in the mother's life.
A bottomless pit of a job for The Adored One.
My brother was the adored one and it killed him at 36 with a drug overdose.
20
"Is my pretending to care about them unethical?"
I think what would be unethical would be _ceasing_ to pretend to care about them.
Geez.
47
@DW
I totally agree. I am mystified by the high value accorded in recent years to "authenticity," of which Trump is considered a prime example. Expressing and acting on our feelings, no matter how ugly, is seen as the highest virtue. However, shouldn't this position be given to our human ability to put ourselves in other's shoes---empathy? If I treat someone else with the kindness and consideration I would like to receive myself, this isn't "false" or deception but an authentic expression of my recognition of the other person's humanity. It is true that kindness can sometimes be cover for manipulative selfishness, while we can also do some pretty horrible things when driven by the power of possessive love. Actions can influence our feelings, not just the other way around. Human beings are complicated, but encouraging our empathy and reason to take priority over our feelings when necessary is not "lack of authenticity" but maturity.
8
While I admire this woman at least pretending love toward her stepchildren, I cannot see a good outcome if she cuts them off once her husband dies. That is very chilly; and will definitely destroy the long nurtured family harmony even if it were supported with her pretense. Her biological child probably will suffer most from the outcome.
If she loves her own child, she should change her mind.
If she can't, she will have to live with the consequences.
One thing is clear; she is not doing a favor to anybody including herself.
14
Regarding the stepmother who is alienated from her stepchildren. Here are some pitfalls from that situation: The stepmother must be sensitive to the relationship between her husband and his children. Do not get in the way of that relationship. If possible, foster it, with a private understanding with her husband that she will appreciate private time if he chooses to be with the children. That is a balancing act, a hard one, but necessary. Second, the stepmother must be careful about step-grandchildren. They should be treated as if they are her biological grandchildren. Third, if her husband pre-deceases her, she should be careful about disposition of belongings related to her husband's first family. Emphatically, she should never throw anything out without asking whether those children want the item. If there is real estate that devolved from the first marriage of her husband, such as a vacation home, she should be very careful about disposition of the property. She may have the legal right to that property, but in the eyes of the stepchildren, it may not be hers. Best to involve them in planning for such property. If she and her husband are well-off, and if the children who might inherit the property are not so well-fixed, they might consider a durable trust or some vehicle to maintain the property after his death.
Finally, she should consider that if she becomes ill, especially with dementia, those step-children may be her best guardians.
18
My step Mom experience says, you treat all the kids equally, recognize and respect there individuality and accept them as they are, let your husband discipline his kids and you back him up and realize the kids are half his and allow love to develop over time. Gain their respect first and let everything else flow from there.
23
To love is a transitive verb. It is something to be practiced over and over, even, and especially, when it is not easy. It is changing the diaper of a smelly, screaming child. It is forgiving a loved one when they hurt your feelings. It is starting from a loving stance as an adult and being open to what may result.
When I was young, I had a stepfather who did not love me, who found me a nuisance to the life he wanted to live with my mother. By the time I was in my early twenties, he and I grew fond of one another. When I was 29, he apologized deeply for his lack of acceptance of me, and he legally adopted me. I had a wonderful father and he had a beloved daughter for many more decades until he passed, with me at his bedside, when he was 88 years old.
104
LW1: You can only be judged by your conduct, not your feelings. Treat your stepchildren with respect and caring; the emotions will take care of themselves.
35
As Madeleine L' Engle once wrote, "Love is a policy, not a feeling".
Perhaps LW1 might find more peace by behaving lovingly here and now, and stop sabotaging herself by obsessing on her "feelings" and her vengeful future-tripping . Surely every one of her stepchildren has something to appreciate and admire. It's much healthier to focus on those qualities rather than remain so self-absorbed. "Feelings" are overrated. Kindness, sympathy, and respect are not. And what's with this future-fantasizing the death of the husband? What is going on that is fueling her anger in this way?
I agree with many of these comments that finding a good therapist to work through why she is so over-attentive to her own negativity might help LW1 find some peace and equanimity, and eventually she might find ways to appreciate her life and her relationships more, her alarming degree of self-absorption less.
20
How does your adored child feel about their siblings? If you cut off all contact you may start a painful and/or angry family situation that harms your child’s relationship with their siblings. It is hard for kids to accept a step parent and to then find out the step parent has been lying and doesn’t care for them at all could be incredibly harmful and hurtful. Time to think with some attempt at empathy about others.
20
I realize it is difficult and extra effort for a stepmother. The same is also true for the step child. Relationships take work. Even more so when it's not your choice. We all must compensate in some way for the relationship to work well.
13
@Sutter But it *was* her choice, when she decided to marry, “decades ago.”
1
I disagree with the response to LW2. A major part of being a voice instructor is to provide an example for the student so the student can imitate the way you sound through demonstration and coaching. I took voice lessons for many years, and, as a soprano, a male instructor would not be able to produce the type of sound I would need to hear to imitate, which is what happens in voice lessons. It’s a huge part of what goes on. I also studied an instrument, and the gender of the instructor was irrelevant, as males and females could demonstrate the sounds I needed to imitate on the instrument without it sounding any different based on gender. A voice student could receive good instruction from the opposite gender, certainly, but not that teach-by-example element, which is truly important. If the professor is being (needlessly) fussy, the employer should write that it is looking for “a soprano or alto” to give instruction.
25
I always suggest that couples where one or the other has children simply do not marry until the youngest child is out of the home at high school graduation. Much simpler to maintain own places, appropriate boundaries, honor the kids' relationships with their natural parents, etc. That doesn't mean the partners to the couple cannot be close, or even sleep together nightly. In general, this is a good way to go, according to children who have had it both ways, and adults too.
7
My father's step-mother didn't love him. Didn't love us grandchildren.
Believe me, WE KNEW IT.
My father was a good step-son until the day she died, but she was not a good step-mother. She was a poor grandmother to me and I was named after her.
Meanwhile, I have a step-father who says he loves me, whom I love. I would be heartbroken were he to treat me in the manner LW1 premeditates. We don't have much in common, but we both love my mother very, VERY much. He's been very good to me. It took 18 years for him to win me over, but he was very patient. He was there when I needed him.
Selfish is as selfish does. When you sow the wind, you reap the storm. Choosing not to love is always a bad choice.
96
@Dejah Choosing not to love is a bad choice says it all. I feel very sorry for this person who admits she has never wanted much contact with people. I wonder if she considers how her husband and the child she adores would feel if they knew how she feels about these family members.
9
perhaps she's lived a life in which she's had one disappointment after another. I could hardly blame her for minimizing her contact with other people.
4
@AZYankee You demonstrate deeper soul searching than many of us. We never understand until we walk a mile in other's shoe.
Some people are depressed to the point others can never fathom their mind.
That being said; this step-mom spreads unhappiness like virus. All around her suffer.
4
Regarding the question about the preference for a female music teacher: When I was in graduate school, a listing for a fellowship showed up in a newsletter of a professional organization and, predictably, a couple hundred graduate students applied (including myself).
I later learned that the faculty member offering the fellowship had already selected someone to receive the position. The listing in the newsletter was merely to comply with laws regarding making information about funding opportunities available to all qualified applicants. But in essence, the listing was misleading and wasted the time of graduate students who submitted an application with no hope of receiving it.
It seems to me utterly unethical to post a job listing or similar opportunity when certain applicants are misled with regards to the possibility of receiving an offer. It may be perfectly legal, but wasting people's time with false offerings cannot be considered ethical behavior.
27
It’s not merely unethical, it’s cruel.
10
@Metaphor This sort of thing happens all the time in all areas of employment. Jobs have to be advertised, a certain number of people interviewed, when all along there is a preferred internal candidate. It is the way of the world.
22
@Metaphor
" wasted the time of graduate students who submitted an application with no hope of receiving it."
The applicants wouldn't have bothered to apply if they knew there was no hope of receiving the position. They hoped or they wouldn't have othered to apply.
My dad’s on his 4th marriage. Trust me when I say your stepkids know how you feel and are probably several steps ahead and surely wanting nothing to do with you either. Poor kids, your poor husband, and poor you. You’ve missed out on some meaningful relationships. My dad is 73 and dating a 23-year-old and I even gave her a chance. Bc in the end being bitter and cruel really hurts you the most.
126
@Lamb Your dad is luckier to have you than he probably knows!
@Lamb it sounds like your dad is exceptionally lucky to have a child like you!
2
@Lamb I remember a friend from my Junior Year Abroad program whose very wealthy father was dating a girl who was at my same college. My friend would have love to have gone to my college, but couldn't stomach the idea of being in the same classes as her father's girlfriend. So she went to a college in Maine. We all sort of recoiled from that thought and understood. It made me sad because she was an awesome friend whom I would have loved to have known sooner! Families = complicated!
Regarding the stepmother -- you may not always feel like being a good person. But that doesn't mean you are excused from trying to be one. That is the whole point of morality. If we all did as we liked with no regard for others, it would be a pretty terrible world.
66
We have all seen it happen. All that will matter after the husband is gone is who gets the money. The whole relationship will live or die by how the the children feel they were treated in the will and how the will is carried out. It's probably best if everyone knows now where they stand in this regard. It may cure all her problems.
25
It is possible that the writer's stepchildren do not love her either. Many people keep their feelings about a stepparent to themselves to protect the feelings of a parent. But, unless the stepparent is abusive, I think stepchildren should try to honor duties to an elderly stepparent.
11
I have two separate step parents, I would be completely beside myself if they were putting on a show of respect for the sake of avoiding an honest relationship that my step fathers have offered me.
I honestly feel that when you marry into a family you accept the spouse’s family as if it were your own. The idea that you can go on playing the superficial game of caring about your step children sounds hurtful as well as exhausting!
37
LW 1- I came from a different culture that doesn’t express feelings by words but by actions. Because of this we are very good on reading one’s actions/ behaviors toward the others . I think those stepchildren sensed this luck of love already for a long time ago but maybe they are pretending just like you too. One day you are all will be tired of pretending and ...life goes on. Good luck thou !
10
As a stepson, I feel the same way about my stepmother lol
8
Concerning the second letter, this is the second time in recent memory you have offered "ethical" advice to what is really a legal question (see for reference, the millennial who had a "boorish boss" who made a few off-color comments). I would suggest that the editors of this column leave these particular "ethical quandaries" for the attorneys. There are plenty of capable employment discrimination legal experts out there who handle these types of matters (and truly, your ethical opinion isn't always the legal answer, whether you and the readers agree or not, unfortunately).
17
@Memphis
Amen to that. There was no ethical issue presented.
12
Don’t ask for an ethical position from a lawyer. Lawyers argue positions on behalf of clients. An ethical position need not be “legal”, and legal position not per se ethical. It was legal to “own” human beings in certain states prior to the end of the civil war.
3
@Woke
If the letter writer had reframed the position of the potential employer as "wanting to hire a white male to maintain the same position" I find it hard to believe this letter would have been printed despite being ethically the same situation.
3
Wow, to LW1, take your heart out of the deep freeze & take a chance on life, get thee to group therapy and start processing some core emotions with others who don't know you but can help you with the human emotional hurdles you ran completely around.
I was there. My heart was in the deep freeze, too. I took it out and decided to give myself a break and start feeling things with people who were safe. Group therapy helped me get a grip on feelings. What emotions are, what joy is, sorrow. Ambivalence, anger. Practice, practice, practice.
You say you adore your child. I'm not believing that.
And why try to fool other people? They know you're a phony. Why not be one of the all time greats in the authentically emotionally present department?
Or, live life half dead. C'mon, go for it.
29
Letterwriter 1 - nonissue. If your husband predeceases you, your step children will probably go through the proper motions and afterwards relegate you to their Christmas card list. They may have/maintain a closer relationship with your child, their half-sibling. You can always burn this bridge when you come to it.
Letter writer 2 - let's have a gender neutral legal job description and waste the time of countless men, misled into believing they have an opportunity. Sopranos do not generally want their voice coach to be a basso.
18
@Eli Re: “ Sopranos do not generally want their voice coach to be a basso” - so write the job listing asking for a soprano, rather than saying female. Soprano is a functional characteristic of the job, gender is not.
10
First letter writer should assume her family knows that she “does not have any real feelings for them”. We know. We always know.
They love her anyway.
She should also assume that her husband and her child know.
As to it being unethical? I cannot say but I would suggest it is worth speaking to a therapist.
11
I think “pretending” to love them is highly ethical and the best choice. Keep pretending; you will be known by your deeds and over time maybe come to a belief that love is a verb.
31
The stepmother is awful. When she married her husband, she married his children as well.
30
Is the step-mother also fantasizing the death of her husband?
40
"...once my husband dies."
Good god lady, how do you know he will, in fact, go first?
108
@LindaP
Precisely my question.
We're given so little info as to how old the step-children from at least 2 previous marriages are since her own marriage is "decades old," whether they have families of their own, live nearby, or spend such a significant amount of time w/LW1 that they would notice her absence should she be hit by a bus today while their father lives on - possibly ready for another marriage.
4
For LW1 - By all means. keep up the pretense of loving your stepchildren until after your husband dies, and then dump them. This will improve the odds on maximizing your inheritance from your husband, who had no idea about your true feelings during the decades you were married.
Ca-Ching!
22
@DWS Yup. That's precisely the vibe I got, too.
4
I hope the wicked stepmother needs a kidney someday and her biological child isn’t a match!
11
Limiting a search for a music instructor to female applicants highlights the limits of equality. On the surface we want to say everyone is equal, but in the case of singing, men and women definitely have distinct vocal ranges. So, if this position was to teach female chorus, it may very well be apt to seek female candidates.
8
Speaking as a musician, you are simply wrong. Male voice coaches work with females, and vice versa, all the time. It’s perfectly common; even done in “Phantom of the Opera.”
9
@Nick I think you ate on to something. Perhaps the best idea is to name the gender of the students. "Voice instructor needed for all female chorus..."
3
LW #1: It would be interesting to know the ages of all involved. The letter writer may find that in her later years, she may be quite grateful for her step-children's companionship and emotional support as she has less ability to live independently and without the support of family members. Can't help but think the step-children may be well aware of her indifference and are just being polite. Maybe it is they who will step back from the relationship once their father dies.
LW #2: Even if the job posting is gender neutral, isn't there every likelihood that that a female applicant will be hired if that is what the director wants?
8
@Rosemary
If the person posts the discriminatory job listing ethically they would then be doing something unethical. The person doing the hiring might already have made up their mind about only hiring a female, that only makes them the unethical one. If the LW were to do as requested they would both be unethical.
@Rosemary “ The letter writer may find that in her later years, she may be quite grateful for her step-children's companionship and emotional support as she has less ability to live independently and without the support of family members.”
IMO, pretending to care about your stepchildren for this reason is unethical. I pity LW1 and hope she will get some counseling and develop an ability to care about other people.
1
For the first situation, I would ask the letter writer to consider, as a mother, what if her child someday found herself a step child. Suppose the step parent, for no discernible reason, didn’t return the child’s love. Would she, as a parent, want her child to be rejected outright, or shown affection, however forced? I bet that she would want her child to be embraced and supported, and she should do the same with her step children.
58
@NM Excellent point
2
No one is obligated to love or be loved by someone else; but if it was me I would want to know where I stood with my step-parent even if that place was somewhere I couldn't ever hope to reach.
I consider what is more damaging; cold distant politeness and lies from a person who I love and who I naively assume loves/could love/will love me back or cold distant politeness from a person who I know is not overly fond of me but who finds nothing wrong with my presence in their life.
If the children from previous marriage are adults then they absolutely deserve to know their step-mother doesn't love them the way a parent loves a child (unconditionally, eternally, etc) but rather with the acceptance and respect of a working adult relationship.
If these are *actual* children, and by that I mean young children not teens or young adults, who have not yet formed individual identities outside of the family unit then Name Withheld has either made a mistake (maybe overestimating how much love she had/was willing to give) that needs to be addressed or is just a bad person overall.
Also in response to some of the other posters: if NW continues a relationship with these children for the manipulative effort of ensuring her own future happiness and care as she ages she is ABSOLUTELY a vile person.
13
In regards to the university music employee's dilemma, what wasn't consider was if the student(s) experience sexual trauma, hence the request for a female instructor. Students do have the right to feel safe and if a part of that safety for a student is requesting a female instructor, morally it isn't wrong to consider the student's needs. Would it be ethically wrong, which is different from morally wrong? Technically, yes, because the values and laws that run the university require diversity and equality in its hiring practices. BUT is it really fair (legality aside) to open up the job announcement, interview a male applicant, leave him with the hope that he'll be hired, only to reject him? That opens up another can of worms greater than requesting female only applicants. I completely agree that preference for a particular birth sex should not be a requirement when hiring, but which is worse? Hiring someone who may alienate a student or hiring someone who will meet the needs of the population served? Deontology vs. utilitarianism...
6
@Lisa
First it appears you (as well as many other people commenting on this) did not read the letter. the writer clearly states " in this case, he is hiring to “replace a female teacher whose roster has requested a female instructor as the replacement.” there is no such mention of any need to account for sexual abuse. Only they want a female to replace a female. Would it be acceptable if they said they wanted only a white male to replace a previous white male?
And the "can of worms you opened"... if a job seeker who is biologically a male that thinks they are female applied for the position in which the hypothetical student were sexually abused by a male should that candidate be accepted or automatically excluded? What about if the potential student in your hypothetical situation had been abused by a black male? could they limit the job search to only non black males? What about if they were previously abused by both a male and a female? could they limit the job search to only hermaphrodites?
2
@Lisa I agree that it would be reasonable to request a female teacher based on previous trauma. That is some thing I have seen in my own family. But rather than go through the legal rigmarole, having to justify the need for that specific request, just post the generic request and choose a female teacher.
1
@David You don’t know why they requested a female. Perhaps there was an issue of abuse. It’s extremely common, far more than many people know
2
What ever about this woman not “loving” her stepchildren if she cuts off all contact with them, then her own child will suffer enormously.
After all they are siblings by blood, if only by one parent, they are still blood. And seeing that her child is an only child that bond that her child has with their siblings is life long and will sustain them after the parents pass on.
She claims to adore her biological child yet by destroying the fabric of the familial bonds she will damage her own child beyond the grave.
Keep contact and family connections, but you don’t have to see and interact all the time.
I love my mother and father in law and I truly love one of my sister in laws but I don’t “love” them all. Regardless, I would never sever contact with them should my spouse pass away.
What would be the point?
38
@PP - Siblings by blood has little power. I have three half-sisters I have never met and only know the first name of one. I have another half-sister that I only lived with until our parents divorced and before she was even two, she moved to another state and I never saw or heard from her until 20 years later. I could walk past any of the on the street and not notice them. And we share nothing but some DNA markers. That leaves a half-brother that I grew up with. Mom clearly liked his dad better than mine and she let me know that my entire childhood. My half-brother speaks to none of us and I don't blame him. Our family is like some crime show where the detectives have the board with all of the lines connecting dots.
It was clear to me growing up that my grandmother did not care for my mother. She was wife number two (the first one died). She had one child, my aunt. Grandma (and grandpa) clearly preferred the aunt to my mother and uncle from the previous marriage. I never heard the first wife's name mentioned or anything about her throughout my childhood. I had to look up her name at the courthouse.
Families are difficult on a good day...and they don't have many of those.
5
@tom harrison
Not everyone's family is like yours.
I had a half brother who was an adult when I was born. My mother knew him well while he was growing up, having married my father when he was 13. Although I didn't see him very much, I absolutely adored his long time partner and eventual wife and was the flower girl at their wedding. I was very fond of my niece who was about the same age as my oldest.
We weren't close as adults. He didn't get along with the (now ex) husband. I'm not sure if that had more to do with my half brother or the ex, TBH. The ex was the hind end of a horse and my half-brother could be awful when he wanted to be.
Had we lived closer than 8 hours distant, we might have been more friendly, although I did see him every time I passed through for years. Then we stopped passing through. And of course, there was the ugliness with my father's will, which he engineered, but I didn't consider to have anything to do with me.
Point being, families are not ALL a mess. Step-families don't HAVE to be.
5
If this woman has thus far allowed herself to be loved, then she has set up a responsibility on her part. For her to just cut these people off after inviting them into her life is not nice, not considerate, and possibly harmful, regardless of whether it’s ethical. Trust and love are not throwaway emotions. Anyone who invites them should be prepared to live up to the challenges involved.
21
LW1: I would add that even if she decides to cut off contact with her stepchildren, that she not act selfishly or coldly in the aftermath of his death. My close friend lost her father recently and her stepmother was cruel and withholding and refused to communicate civilly once she no longer had any obligation to act nice. If LW1 wishes to cut off contact with her step kids, I urge her to wait until some time after her husband's death -- and in the meantime to act in the generous way that her husband likely would expect her to in a difficult time.
15
They may not be children per se; they could be grown adults who are defined as step children even though they are not a child. I think the writer should consider therapy (basically, I think everyone should consider therapy) but there seem to be other issues other than just her/him being an introvert.
15
Dr. Appiah, please consult with experts before you give advice about issues that are more than ethical conundrums.
If the music director has a staff of men only, the HR rep could have insisted he look for another woman to replace the one who resigned. In addition, if the staff is all white men, the HR department could have required that the hiring manager seek someone who represents the population available for employment in the area.
There are people who have extraordinary qualifications in human resources where you work. I urge you to contact them.
11
LW 1 might not like socializing but has no issue it seems revealing thoughts about her relationships after her husband's death. Is it imminent? If not this strikes me as off. What make her think he will predecease her? I hope the husband has clearly provided for the children from his prior relationships if that is his intention. I'm not so sure about how it would go if left to her.
10
This stepmother would probably be forgiven for occasionally stating that she needs some time alone, but would most likely regret the fallout from stating that she doesn't love her stepchildren. Has she even considered how her husband would feel? It's just not necessary to be cruel in this way.
She might consider broadening her definition of "love," and improve the situation overall.
24
I was struck that The Ethicist's answer to the stepmother didn't include any mention of her own child. The stepchildren she doesn't love are also her own child's half-siblings, whom he or she might adore. To cut off contact would be to potentially rob her own child of what could be very special relationships, which further makes the case for why isolating yourself and abandoning children -- stepchildren or otherwise -- is in general a terrible idea.
22
I’m of the opinion that one should never sever personal connections unless they’re materially harmful. And those are rare, truth be told. It’s fashionable to talk of ridding one’s life of “toxic” people. But toxic usually means “sometimes difficult,” and in that case, who isn’t? Just like life itself.
17
Will add to my comment below: the writer's stepchildren are her 'own' child's siblings--the only simply she has. It's extremely important that those bonds are fostered. And the way to do that is to open your heart.
19
I don't like the way the response to the stepmother stigmatizes introversion. We don't even know if the stepmother's absence of warm feelings towards her stepchildren is due to a global "problem" (his words, not mine) in her level of sociability! And the response implies that this lack of high sociability would be unfortunate, because "even introverts" (again, his words, not mine) need some human contact. As if introverts were freaks, not on the spectrum of normal people who are better listeners and more easily overwhelmed by social chaos.
Maybe the stepkids weren't part of the writer's household. Maybe they were insecure about yet another woman competing for their father's attention (sounds like some had different mothers), along with her young child. Maybe they were adept at undermining her. Maybe her late husband was passive and useless, expecting her to step in to run a household full of strangers while dealing with a baby on her own. Maybe the ex wives expressed hostility through their kids. Who knows, but labeling this woman as having a problem of low sociability says more about our philosopher's level of comfort with introversion than it serves as an appropriate answer to her inquiry.
13
Your step children are also your own child's brothers and/or sisters. How does that factor in your relationship with them? One can't force ones feelings; however, I wonder how your coolness affects your own child?
12
One minor point on question 2: Our writer has only the director's say-so as to the students' preferences. Secondhand information is not always reliable. So I think the writer handled the issue just right and shouldn't second-guess.
1
Talk about overthinking things. The employer agrees to reword the music employment listing to be gender neutral. Problem solved.
Why does somebody want to stew about it after that? Not your worry, not at all.
5
@Longue Carabine
Would the letter writer be more justified in their concern had the desire been for a white person over a black person?
LW1 sounds dreadful. Life's greatest joy is to love and to be loved. What a withering, cold and miserly perspective.
15
@amanda113
The point being that it is actually "Life's greatest joy is not to fake-love and to be loved."
The cold and miserly aspects are you reading into it something that it may - or may not - be.
5
@amanda113 Or she may be on the autism spectrum.
1
@Andrea Olmanson
Interesting point. I hadn't thought of that possibility, but it might explain why she used "painful" to describe interaction with her stepchildren, rather than "tedious," "annoying," or some other term.
2
What is wrong with honesty? If someone asks how you are doing, merely answer that you have a cold, a headache, a busy day or whatever kind of day.
If you don't like someone, don't spend time with them.
Life is too short and we already have things that we MUST do (work, chores, etc.) without adding to the misery.
5
Why is it that loving somebody enough to marry them or partner with them implies an obligation to having to "love" the rest of the family? I admit, LW1 characterization of her social interactions with her steps as "painful" is weird but what do you do if you truly do not like your beloved's family? What if the family is as dysfunctional as it gets or you just do not like them? Nobody likes/loves everybody all the time. I admit you have to be polite and maintain a civil relationship for the sake of your beloved but do not feel guilty if you do not find you love them. Heck, I know plenty of people who do not love or even like their own blood relatives, let alone somebody else's. If the husband dies, it is within her rights to establish the kind of relationship she wants with the steps. Nobody should feel obligated, bullied or shamed into "loving" anybody. Better that than a very transparent, hypocritical relationship.
11
Because marriage is a social contract in which two families are joined together. People do not exist in isolation and when you marry you become central parts of each other’s social network. If you have children then that connection becomes actually physical through your child.
6
The director in the second question seems to be indulging the historic cop-out for bigoted behavior: "I'm not personally prejudice... It's just my clients wouldn't feel comfortable around a homesexual/African-American/Jew/Woman/etc."
It is a despicable dodge and something that should not be tolerated. If there is truly a bona fide and bigotry-free distinction that disqualifies certain people with certain immutable traits, the employer forwarding that distinction should be required to articulate what that distinction is, why it is essential, and it should go in the job description.
Simply shrugging your shoulders while indulging others' bigotry may be worse than bigotry itself.
5
The letter writer fantasizes about cutting off contact with her husband's children if he should die first.
But if that should happen, what about their shared child, who the mother says she adores?
That poor child. He or she has had the good fortune to live their whole life with siblings who sound warm, loving and mature. But if the father should die, the mother wants to shove the siblings away as well. Poof, family is gone. Just you and me, kid. No more of those pesky others to deal with.
No matter the child's age, it would be devastating. That the mother can think about doing it is beyond belief.
40
LW1 you sound tired. As though you imagine if you did not have family obligations there would be more of you, and maybe more of your spouse too. I am sorry it is so hard.
Don't make the mistake of confusing numbness, possibly from overthinking, with not loving. Treat the children as though you love them equally, and get some rest. It will get easier.
20
With regard to the response to LW2, I'm not buying the so-called "coherent distinction." As others have observed, whenever one discriminates in favor of A, B, and C, it is the same as discriminating against X, Y, and Z.
LW 1 should consider her own child's feelings about their _half_-siblings. Your "adored" child might very well "adore" their siblings. Your "adored" child will likely grow up to adore a partner for whom you have no feelings.
As others have pointed out, her husband's relationship to his children is not the only one to consider here. Therapy to discuss this in a safe space seems called for here.
13
LW1 - no, it's called being part of a family. Also, even if your husband did die (why are you fantasizing about this?), you're bio child would still be half-siblings with them. I'm assuming they have their own relationship. It's not like you have to have lunch with the step-children every week. Is it so hard to attend the occasional family gathering to preserve harmony? From your description, it seems their major offense is...loving you? Existing?
18
Great answer to LW1.
1
LW1 should consider her childs relationship with his/her half-siblings. Removing herself from the picture may cause her own child pain.
11
There's considerable middle ground between pretending to love your stepchildren and actively telling them that you don't love them and don't want to have anything to do with them. Unless they're really horrible in some way, there's absolutely no reason to do the latter. It's unnecessarily cruel.
Even when a relative is very nasty in some way - as my maternal grandmother was - there's often little to be gained in telling them off.
18
Might be worth exploring whether the stepmom is depressed and/or whether there are anger issues in the marriage in light of the fact she is imagining husband’s death as a sort of release.
19
Love is both a noun and a verb. If you don't feel the noun, concentrate on doing the verb. If you can't do the verb, the noun doesn't matter.
9
For LW1, I would ask her what is the more important ‘truth’ here: The love she does not feel for her stepchildren, or the love which she does feel for her husband - their father - and her own child - their (half)sibling? If it’s the latter, as I suspect, the answer is that she is looking at a package deal of familial relationships and needs to maintain all for the sake of those who do have a deep place in her heart.
9
@NM
Nowhere does she say she loves her spouse; just her child. I thought that was interesting....
6
Piano instruction requires a student to spend long amounts of time alone with another person, one on one, at pretty close physical proximity. I can imagine it getting uncomfortable for a young woman under certain circumstances involving male teachers.
Therefore, call me crazy but I’m not convinced it’s ethically wrong for a female college student to want her piano teacher to be female. I question the premise of LW2 that this is illegal discrimination. Perhaps it’s unfortunate for male musicians who want to work as piano teachers, but it’s just a fact that there are certain occupations where one gender enjoys an advantage over the other. Life can’t always be fair.
36
"call me crazy but I’m not convinced it’s ethically wrong for a female college student to want her piano teacher to be female."
That's a "straw person" argument. Who said that it's ethically wrong? Nobody. It's fine for anybody to determine what kind of teacher they want; that has nothing to do with ethics. The ethics part comes in when an organization uses race or gender for certain types of jobs.
When my husband and I got married, his sons were not keen on the idea because of their mother’s influence. I was seen as the wicked woman riding around on her super-charged Hover because the broom was in the shop for repairs.
The first 15 yrs were tough, not so much for me but for my husband. He felt torn between 2 adult sons who went out of their way to be mean & spiteful to me vs. being my husband & wanting nothing but love and happiness for me.
I knew the only course of action I could take was to be polite, respectful and nice whenever there were family functions we were invited to. Often times we were left out.
Their mother passed away 6 months after that argument from a stroke. Suddenly, their eyes and their hearts began to open and they saw the love, friendship, and genuine happiness that existed between my husband and myself.
They started to come around a lot more and their cold attitudes began to melt. They actually apologized for their prior behavior. And started seeing me in a different and loving role.
I never changed my attitude toward them. I DO love them because they are my husband's sons. I don't know how I could not. I don't always like them when they do silly stuff because they don't think, but they have his heart. And that's good enough for me.
140
@Marge Keller
What a touching story. Sounds like those guys are very lucky to have you in their lives. You acted like any good parent - offering unconditional love and acceptance, and letting them reach back out to you on their own terms.
My mom had a similar story when she married my father, who was divorced and had children from his first marriage. Their mother did everything she could to turn those kids against my mother. But she made clear that she was not going anywhere and was always there for those children. In an eerie parallel to your story, my father’s first wife suffered a stroke which long incapacitated, then killed, her. My half siblings are close to my mother and to me today, more than two years since my father passed away. I am so grateful that we are all in each other’s lives.
As a side note, that commonality of the unexpected deaths seems significant. Life is far too fragile and short to shun people and to wallow in bitterness or revenge.
Thanks, as always, for what you wrote. Take care.
17
@NM
Thanks so much for sharing your story as well.
I always enjoy reading your comments.
Have a great remainder of the week!
5
@Marge Keller I’ve often noted your thoughtful and interesting comments in the NYT and I’m glad that you shared some of your personal life here. Your stepsons are indeed lucky to have you in their lives and it’s wonderful to know you have so much love in yours!
13
I think LW1 needs to really reflect on her words and feelings, and the impact they can have on other people, and what she is missing out on. As a step-mother myself my step-children haven’t always been easy, but neither have my 4 biological kids. My husband and I had some hard times trying to work out how to parent our children together. I am his third wife, he and their mother (his first wife), went through a difficult divorce, and they were a bit battered by it all when I met them, and a bit understandably wary. My step children are older now and I am always happy to see them. They are cordial to me but still reserved. I love them, for who they are, and for their connection to my husband as his children. He’s a wonderful man and I see much of him in them. I would give anything for them to tell me they love me, it would allow me unlock all the love in my heart for them, and share it with them. To read that LW1 has step children who love her, but that she rejects that love and describes her interactions with them as “painful” brings tears to my eyes.
55
@DrMimzz I think it's also important to note that these step children are her biological child's siblings. "Cutting off" communication with them after her husband's anticipated death seems harsh given this reality, and puts her child in the position of having to choose between the mother and the siblings for some occasions. Not sure why you would contemplate that.
37
@Cathy I think this question would’ve been better posed to a relationship therapist than a philosophy professor since no sensible mention was made of the impact this behavior has on a marriage.
12
@Kevin That's an interesting response, I actually work in dispute resolution, and who for? Therapists :). It is both a question for a therapist AND a philosophy professor (thank you for that, I still think like one) as LW1's dilemma poses many philosophical questions for us all.
Kindest regards from New Zealand
The Philosopher :)
3
It’s hard to believe that the most obvious reason for maintaining a good relationship with stepchildren was omitted from this article: The love and respect one has for a spouse. What kind of spouse are you if you cannot show kindness toward your spouses children who are kind to you? Also missing from this article is the relationship between the biological child and the stepchildren. Damaging your relationship with your step children can damage the relationship with your biological child, as well as the relationships between biological child and stepchildren.
76
@Kevin Exactly this. It's cruel to her biological child to build a wall in this way. Want to celebrate holidays with your siblings (especially in the aftermath of the father's anticipated death) AND your mother? Ha ha - mom will have none of it. It sounds really bizarre to me, absent any meaningful explanation of what makes the interactions 'painful'.
10
I don't know that the purpose of life is, in general, but the purpose of individual lives is to pass copies of the individuals' genes on to the next generation. Consequently, people are hardwired (to some degree or another) to love their biological children, but not children that share none of their DNA. Nothing unethical about it.
4
@Enabler tell that to my four adopted children.
22
@Enabler I would agree that you don't know what the purpose of life is, in general.
19
@Enabler That is not factually true. The bonds of care are very real and are formed through experience. Ask parents and children who do not share a genetic link and this is amply evident; the complexities of step-parenting are another matter. The main point is that reductive biological essentialism is extremely pernicious.
15
As Dr. Appiah points out, it is interesting that LW1 writes "painful" instead of tedious. LW1 might want to consider why she feels that way when it sounds like from the letter the children seem to treat her decently and even lovingly. Is she threatened that they are reminders of her husband's past relationships and/or is she insecure in the current relationship and hence displacing those feelings onto the children, who likely do not deserve those feelings? I am not a psychologist but I feel like examining those issues will help resolve her problems more than asking about superficial behavior and pretense.
I'd also say that as a adult stepchild, I see it from other side. I have no love lost with my stepfather but we get along civilly and people even compliment my devotion to him. (Objectively I spend more time, money and care on him than all 3 of his biological kids combined.) I do what I do because I care about my mother and she cares about him. I also see little harm in treating him well. My own father died when I was young so I hardly knew him and he is not a factor in how I treat my stepfather but over the years, I have carefully examined how I feel, what I do, etc. to come to my conclusions.
34
I'm am amateur musician with many years of attending music schools. The only reason to explicitly hire a female music teacher is in the case of a voice teacher. For example, it would be difficult for a natural bass voice to coach a lyric soprano, especially at more advanced levels. It could be done by an experienced professional, but if I were a voice student, I'm sure I would prefer a teacher whose voice was at least close to my own natural range. I can't think of any other musical instrument or practice where the instructor's gender would make any difference.
108
@Kristen Rigney I agree that it may make sense for a voice teacher to be the same gender as their students. However, it would seem, then, that an appropriate job description would be "soprano/alto voice instructor" rather than "female voice instructor."
24
I’m a former musician and currently a lawyer. Male coaches work with female voice students all the time. Your concern, of whether a particular male job seeker is as capable as you presume a female would be, should appropriately be addressed in the job interview. Denying the interview itself to male candidates on the argument that they’re less likely to be capable, is discrimination. And remember the facts as set out here: the employer articulated his reasons for wanting a female teacher. It was a stated personal preference, nothing more. It’s illegal.
8
@Kathleen L.
Yes. The mechanics of producing a voice in a human body are the same for all genders. A teacher who knows how to get the student to produce & project that can be of either sex.
3
It's easy, opening your heart and then when you say "love you" it actually means something. An open heart is a state of being and the faith that Love is the highest frequency.
5
Is it quaint to view loving one’s step-children as something like a job requirement?
I applaud the honesty here, but this seems tragic to me.
If you think that the step-children are unaware that they weren’t loved, I’d suggest to you that is essentially a child’s evolutionary role to find someone who loves them. It is not an accident that they are good at it, nor that they are minutely sensitive to the ebbs and flows of affection.
Which is to say I very much doubt that these children are unaware. Whether they are allowing themselves to be conscious of it is another question.
45
My sense is LW1 is hiding.
Hiding behind her husband and in the way she (probably) dotes over her only child. Favoritism comes to mind.
In addition, fantasizing about severing contact with "painful" relatives and conjuring scenarios for outcomes after her husband's death seems, well, a bit odd.
Perhaps there might be cause here to seek help from a therapist?
The goal? Finding out about the nuanced feelings one can use to bridge the extremes of love and "hate."
106
My read was that in forecasting the husband’s death and alluding to previous children, she’s implying that he’s much older than her. I wonder if his will would change if he knew how she felt about his other children.
10
@Steve too much speculation. He may not even have a will, and in the case of marriage, spouses have rights of survivor ship in the assets. She gets the assets because she is the spouse - she is considered, by law, to be his primary relative.
About the music teacher: could it have to do with female voice students wanting a female voice coach? Or perhaps female students have had negative experiences with male faculty and feel most comfortable with the female faculty? I don't know how voice coaching works, but if the rest of the faculty is all male, maybe the students are right to also want a female music/voice teacher.
32
"Painful" is the key word here. I would encourage stepmother to explore why her interactions with her stepchildren are painful, with a counselor. Are the stepchildren a continual reminder that her husband loved someone before he met her? Does she experience feelings of jealousy when her husband interacts with his children from a previous marriage? Are these feelings so deepseated in her psyche that she would risk severing all contact with if given the opportunity? "Painful" needs further exploration.
164
LWI
I feel so bad for those stepchildren. The second wife of my ex-husband did not love — or even like my children — two of whom were quite young.
His third wife is totally different. She loves all three, and they love her. It makes all the difference.
320
@Banjokatt I also feel bad for her child, who is surrounded by siblings, yet most likely not one of the gang. A lonely place to be.
The step kids know, and it is to their great credit that they are behaving well.
24
@Banjokatt I love the generosity you show here, letterwriter. You welcome your ex-husband's third wife to love your children, which is just... really a lovely thing. My heart feels warmer reading your response. Your children are lucky to have one more person in the world who loves them, and you completely get how that is a good thing.
58
I was disappointed that the stepmother was not reminded that
her husband loved these children. They were part of his life before he met and married her (I assume). They are part of her
husband just like everything else that happened to him before he met her. If this is how stepmom thinks of her own stepchildren, I wonder how she thinks of "the others" and strangers.
It also sounds like she is burying her own husband - perhaps
prematurely. She will need every drop of devotion, love and
caring when he is gone. I would not give that up for anything.
Does she realize how fortunate she is that the step kids love her?
153
LW #1- Your only child has siblings. When you and your husband are long gone, that child will need them. It is their family and sounds like they are a loving one. If you can't muster up the love, then maintain a relationship for the sake of your husband and child. I don't love my mother in law even though she says she loves me. I tolerate her and support opportunities for my children and husband to spend time with her and stay connected.
180
@Mrs B I didn’t love my mother in law, I cared for her and had affection for her. I was there as soon as she needed me and lavished attention on her. I didn’t do it for her; I did it for my spouse. Telling her I was merely fond of her rather than loving her would be cruel and pointless. Why would I ever do such a thing?
21
LW1 : Since she feels that her stepchildren treat her very well and tell her that they love her, she might take comfort in that. At the very least she doesn’t suffer from “outsider syndrome”, which is very common I believe among stepmothers. At least her stepkids realize she exists and have welcomed her into the family! I envy her. Maybe her definition of love is too rigid, maybe she’s living too far in the future and not enough in the present, maybe too much in her own head, and not enough in her heart?
56
LW1: I can relate, as I am not sociable, and I generally find family gatherings uncomfortable. However, at some point down the road, you may be happy to have the connection with the step children. We all need human connection, especially when we are elderly and human connections are sometimes few and far between.
53
As a mother and stepmother who loves and values all of my children I feel sad for the writer. My stepchild has enriched my life and, in adulthood, has become my friend and trusted advisor. It is up to the letter writer who she chooses to open her heart to, but what a missed opportunity to open it to these people who are so important her husband. I would urge her to think about what loves means and how she is not an island, but a part of a family. Her stepchildren are her "beloved" child's siblings and their relationships are worthy of nurture and value. Not to be too harsh, but I think she should examine her responsibility as a parent and a spouse, and consider the feelings and needs of the people she shares her life with. A monkish existence is for monks, not parents.
149
The first letter is strange. What is the writer asking for? Does she want permission to feel animus toward her stepchildren? A kind of dispensation? What difference would that make?
Most family ecosystems are tainted by negative feelings. No family is perfect. I avoid my own family except for weddings, funerals and the rare birthday celebration. I just don’t like them very much, even though I feel a familial connection. I avoid my husband’s family whenever possible because my MIL is pure poison (self-protection). But when I am with any of these people I go through the motions and act as if I like them. That is just good manners. It is acting with consideration for the feelings of others. There are certain social norms we need to follow, to keep the peace.
I gained a stepfather when I was young adult. I developed an affection for him, off the sort that one might feel for an uncle or a close family friend. I felt nothing for his adult children or grandchildren. He was always kind to me and my siblings, but it was always clear that his family was his and my mother’s family was hers. Everyone was okay with that.
What worries me about the letter writer’s cold attitude is that her stepchildren were likely still children when she came into their lives. I don’t see how she could have not formed some affectionate bond with them. I feel for them, not her. If they tell her they love her and all she feels is icicles, something is deeply wrong there.
207
@Passion for Peaches I 100% relate and agree with all of this.
12
@Passion for Peaches
Your comments sum up my feelings and my own experience. Thanks for expressing them so well.
I would add that I think it makes a difference at what age the step-relationship is established. With step-children who are already adults when the family blends—in their 30s, 40s—it just isn’t the same. Everyone involved is an adult and hopefully can act like adults (kind and courteous at a minimum). When the parent/spouse dies, perhaps it’s more understandable if everyone then, more or less, goes their own way.
With little kids involved, though, it’s different—more is at stake for everyone’s happiness and especially for the kids’ emotional stability.
Seems like the Letter Writer entered the picture when the children were still fairly young. Many of the other commenters here are pretty judgmental toward her, and perhaps that’s why, even though we don’t have all the facts.
I wish them all well.
6
LW1: I think it's important to distinguish between your lack of feeling or negative feeling for your stepchildren as individuals and the lack of feeling or negative feeling for the situations in which you see them. If you don't like large gatherings and you only see them when the whole family gets together and you feel forced to socialize with the large group, is it in fact the individuals or the gathering that you don't like? Either is fine, just be clear on what you feel and why.
LW2: Out of curiosity, do male voice teachers teach female singing students and vice versa? The singing teacher ad merits an exception if there are differences in techniques used by sopranos vs tenors for example. That doesn't hold for the piano teacher though.
25
@UA .
“Out of curiosity, do male voice teachers teach female singing students and vice versa?”
Yes they do. As an ex-opera singer I can confirm I studied with both men and women teachers.
2
Two conflicting thoughts:
The music school director strikes me as seriously lacking in judgment. You don’t ask for “female voice teachers”, you just make sure you hire a female voice teacher. And you do this because you know it’s what you need to do, whether or not it is ethical.
... and …
The music school director strikes me as seriously lacking in courage. You don’t just give in to what the students think they want - you hire the best person and then that person, with your help, wins over the students with his or her skills and virtues. The students most likely don't actually care about their new teacher's gender at all, in the end.
The second thought seems superior, but I'm not ashamed of the first thought.
10
Would you not agree there is an ethical lapse in wasting the time of a large number of applicants whom you have no intention to hire on the basis of a discriminatory characteristic? Your perspective is entirely from the POV of the person hiring, but that is not an ethical perspective.
5
@Rafael What about the chance that one of the male candidates does so well at the interview that he gets the job despite not being female? Early in my career I interviewed an internal candidate who had responded to a job posting. I had no intention of hiring him but didn't want to be rude and reject him out of hand. He got the job and was a STAR - so you just never know.
3
@Rafael I'm puzzled by your comment. I stated clearly that my first thought was not from an ethical perspective. I don't think that thought was particularly unethical, though, and I agree with HJK's comment.
1
LW1 - I don't see an ethical issue here. This letter belongs in a personal advice column, not here.
LW2 - No need for such a long answer. Simply remind the questioner that discrimination is both illegal and wrong.
12
@K D P The questioner doesn't need to be reminded of the very things he pointed out in his letter. What he wants is help moving forward: does he distribute a gender-neutral ad, suspecting (with reason) that male applicants will be winnowed out?
8
@K D P
You've missed the point of both letters here.
For #1, you say this letter belongs in a personal advice column. What do you think this column is? Hello?
I'm surprised no one has told LW1 she needs therapy and needs it fast.
As for #2, you forget there are times when sexual preference is allowed in hiring. LW2 is asking if it's okay here, though (s)he makes a mistake in not realizing voice instructors may of necessity have to be one sex or the other.
1
Laura - You’re right. That nuance is the most interesting aspect of the issue. I’ll add that in my forty-year I haven’t witnessed many blatant acts of discrimination, but have seen many subtle acts of discrimination - people conforming to the letter of the law while violating the spirit of the law.
3
I think the second letter writer should have been counseled to publicly out the seriously offending posting submitter. I write as a 50 plus years feminist. You do it by contacting your university's student newspaper and perhaps off campus media to have them cover the story. If you can post the listings as is with commentary you also do that. If the ad had requested male piano teachers and male voice teachers that response would have been reflexive.
@carol goldstein Good grief! What a suggestion. How about he work with the conservatory director to address the matter and change the director's approach -- one institution to another?
7
@carol goldstein
Perfect. The guy makes a mistake, corrects it, but go after his job and, indeed, his career....
7
Another point for the stepmother to consider: her stepchildren will cease to be related to her, in the technical sense, after her husband dies, but they will always be her beloved child's siblings. Severing her relationship with them could be painful for her own child, and lead to conflict. If she's not motivated by altruism, that's the pragmatic way to look at it.
I have half-siblings; our shared parent has been dead for many years. I am grateful for the generosity of spirit on the part of our surviving parents, both exes of our dead father, which has allowed my siblings and I to build and maintain close ties. Our lives are greatly the richer for it.
386
@psych Great point! One of my friends and her biological sister are very close to their stepsiblings and vice-versa. To them, fully-shared genetics has not been a barrier.
20
LW1: As human beings we dissemble all the time. That's chiefly what differentiates us from most other animals.
Would you say to a disfigured relative (or anyone for that matter) "I think you're ugly"?
It's perfectly ethical not to love ones step children. It's just unnecessary to say it, especially when you know it would cause hurt and even more so when they say that they love you.
76
What makes the letter writer certain that the stepchildren will want anything to do with her after her husband passes away? They have most likely sensed her lack of genuine feelings for them and it’s likely that they are treating her politely simply for their father’s sake.
111
@LH She may find herself very alone and dependent in her later years, and wanting relationships she never laid a foundation for. This is what happened to my (biological) mother.
9
Why is LW1 assuming her husband will predecease her & that she needs to make a decision now as to how to treat her stepchildren? Sounds odd.
Music jobs for new grads/current students are scarce. Doesn't LW2 have an obligation to the students to pass on leads for possible employment opportunities?
16
@knitfrenzy Well, if he has children from multiple previous marriages (at least two), and the LW has one child with him, it's possible the husband is significantly older than her. Of course, there are no guarantees, but it might be a reasonable assumption, and he might also not be in good health.
7
@knitfrenzy if there is a large age gap, statistically he will predecease her.
LW#1 Please make an effort to continue to treat your stepchildren as you would wish them to treat your adored daughter.
I hope the husband has made his final wishes ironclad or his previous children may suffer financially after his death. If he leaves all his money to current wife I don't think she will need to worry about being the one to sever relations.....
34
RE: stepchildren
Your own child may have warm feelings toward their half-siblings, so don't close them off.
111
As an adult whose stepmom was verbally abusive and markedly treated me and my brother (her stepchildren) in a non-loving way compared to our half-siblings (her biological children), I feel as though the response to this question is inadequate and the stepmom does not understand the impact that an adult figure in someone's life not caring about them has. And ya know what, I imagine that her stepchildren must *feel* that. She should not have signed up to the marriage if she could not commit to also caring for the stepchildren fully just as she committed to her husband fully. His other children were part of the package deal of the marriage to him. Had she had a conversation with the husband prior to marriage about these feelings and negotiated a different arrangement, perhaps it could be different. Her potentially introverted disposition does not qualify or diminish the importance of her commitment. This sort of sentiment is incredibly hurtful to children of divorce who often need love and stability. That she would contemplate cutting off contact after so many years is cruel and selfish.
396
@Stepchild, I agree that there is something disturbing lurking behind that letter. The writer is too cold.
But you have to keep in mind that the level of involvement a stepmom has in the lives of step kids can vary a great deal. If a woman (or a man) marries a man who has young kids, and has half or full custody of those kids, that new spouse should enter the marriage fully ready to be a “bonus” parent to the step kids. Even if the couple has or adopts a child of their own, the stepparent should still be a loving parent to the other kids. But if the step kids were nearly grown or adult, when the marriage took place, or if the first wife had primary custody and the father had limited visitation rights, it’s understandable that there might be some distance between the kids and the stepmom. You do what you can with the situation you step into.
My SIL married a man with preteen and teenaged kids, who lived with their mom. They were all pretty messed up. SIL did what she could for them, but when she adopted her own child that (spoiled) kid became the focus of her life (and that of her husband, who was not a good dad to his first kids). No one can force another person to love them. All one can do is be kind and emotionally open, and hope for reciprocity.
38
@Stepchild I don't think it's true that you have to enter into a marriage equally as committed to your new spouse as to their children from previous relationships. Often the children may not even want that, and resent it, especially if they already receive love from their parents. I strongly dislike my dad's girlfriend, and if they were to stay together, I would want very little to do with her and would be horrified if she were to tell me she loves me - yes, I'm an adult, but I think I would have felt even *more* like that as a child, and like I was betraying my own mom by even being around her. There's really no obligation to the children other than what you would expect of a decent human being - which it sounds like you didn't receive growing up. Sometimes the situation can work out very nicely and become a nice, happy blended family. But it's doesn't have to, and that's okay. I agree though that it's best to at least feign affection - heck, I do that for my own family members sometimes. It's important to treat someone well, especially if they are in a vulnerable position, and to put the "true, deep" feelings on the backburner a bit, just like we do in almost every area of our social interactions. Being brutally honest all the time would just be cruel.
33
@Stepchild I'm not particularly sentimental but a sweet video went viral a few years ago of a man proposing not only to his intended but to her child at the same time. He committed to being both a husband and father.
33
"But such circumstances surely don’t apply in this case, so you’d be justified in saying that you’ll run the ad only if the director undertakes to consider candidates of any gender."
And are convinced that he means it. As Rob says, discrimination of this kind is not only illegal but unethical. If he does as the director asks, and distributes a gender-neutral ad when he knows the director will only consider women, he is complicit and potentially wastes the time of men who apply in good faith and have no chance. Seriously, gender discrimination has to stop.
14
A sad story. I'm sorry for this woman, whose stepchildren sound lovely, that she has been able to form strong bonds with them. Those kind of bonds enhance our lives. As a mother and a stepmother, I think our ability to extend and attach are crucial.
A limited life.
68
“ Love “ is being there, and being available, especially for Decades. No need to label or categorize your actions, or self described lack of affection. IT DOES NOT MATTER.
Best Wishes.
41
@Phyliss Dalmatian
Yes. As many of us on the backside of midlife know, one fierce field where this ambivalence is often in full riot is in the care of parents or other loved ones with long-term diseases that cause the affective love between caregiver and care recipient to become fraught. (To put it diplomatically.)
I've seen too many caregivers beat up on themselves for no longer loving the person they care for because the caregiver is so overwhelmed with doing that the affective emotion is crushed. This is precisely where a reduction of love to affective emotion is so sabotaging. These caregivers *are* doing love.
Duty does not cancel love.
35
@Karl
I beg to differ. I was a caregiver for my mother, who had dementia, until her death at age 100. Never was my "affective emotion" for her crushed. Taking care of her was a privilege.
3
@nom de guerre
Please reread Karl's letter. You're agreeing, not disagreeing, with him.
4
I love the answers to this letter about "love." This has more to do with the LW's inability to show much emotion towards "anybody" much less her stepchildren. She should wonder, if in fact, they may feel the same way about her, but are able to rise above that level of trepidation and show kindness, a level of love even, for their stepmother, out of "love" for their father? And yes, what makes her think she will outlive her husband? if she does not...problem solved. Everyone who truly, deeply, madly love one another will live on....happily.
41
@Dinelj
I love that Kwame's response was kinder and much less judgmental than these so far.
14
Karl's comment is on the mark. I love her stepchildren for their emotional maturity. They say "I love you" to their stepmother because they are decent people who respect their father's choice. Who knows how they actually 'feel'? People with empathy deficits believe that emotions equal reality. Emotions are inside of us and have little to do with the outside world. People with empathy deficits cannot love anyone or anything that doesn't serve them in some way. I sometimes wonder why kind, decent men choose self-absorbed women as spouses, but that's another comment for another time.
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@dga
Thank you and I agree.
Empathy is squishy.
Solidarity is powerful. And solidarity comes from agency and observation of the many ways we share the human condition - especially ways that unsettle, annoy or frighten us. Solidarity helps us move beyond the presence or absence of empathy and our emotions into loving ways of being and doing.
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@dga I wonder as well, but my wondering is different: "I sometimes wonder why kind, decent women choose self-absorbed men as spouses, but that's another comment for another time."
And why kind decent women choose self-absorbed women as their spouses, and why kind decent men choose self-absorbed men as their spouses.
Humans of all kinds do it, but not all humans are sexist.
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@dga thank you for your wise and thoughtful comment. It sums up the situation perfectly.
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The first letter writer is making the common American conflation of love with an emotion. Love can and may well be more properly defined as being and doing loving. One need not even like people in order to be loving to them. (Heck, that's true for a lot people and their family relations - many people I know are not friends with many/most of their family members, but are still disposed to be loving with them.)
The stepchildren of the writer (assuming from "decades" that they are all well into adulthood by now) can probably tell the writer doesn't have affective love for them: most people can tell that. They may well credit the letter writer for being sufficiently loving to them, in a way that allows everyone to be loving to one person they have in common: the letter writer's husband and the stepchildren's father.
And the letter writer should not assume she will be the survivor of her husband. Life has a way of frustrating expectations like that.
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@Karl Yes, but why should we love others? I think it’s our emotions, in fact, that encourage us towards loving in the ways you allude to. In other words, love is a mature expression of emotion, not something completely separate from emotion. A deficit of emotion does undermine one’s love, and LW1 is right to call her love “pretending”. Is that pretending unethical? I don’t think so either, but I believe she mistakenly projects her pain onto others, rather than understanding that it is her inability to love in a more expansive way that is inherently painful. Coming into contact with people who she is “required” to love, but does not love, sharpens that pain and brings it into the open. There are ways she can address this aspect of herself if she wishes to – “loving-kindness meditation” for instance, in my own experience. We can learn to more or less free ourselves of emotional limitations, and that is sure to bring more joy, and less duty, into our relationships.
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@TMJ
Emotions are information, and crude at that. They contain wisdom garnered from past experience.
Emotions do not need to dictate action outside of genuine fight-or-flight situations - we can identify our emotions, consider their relative salience to the specific situation, and make choices. An assumption that we are only authentic or have integrity if we always choose in line with our emotions is a rickety and flawed assumption.
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@Karl I probably shouldn’t have used the specific wording, “love is a mature expression of emotion”, which I assume is what lead you to believe I am making an argument for “authenticity”. I’m not making such an argument. What I’m suggesting is that love as an emotion can not and should not be divorced from love as a bunch of things one does. I have not made an argument that emotions should dictate action, and in fact I have suggested a method for developing an underdeveloped emotion, to “catch up” to actions that may already be in place. If a sense of duty is the only thing allowing LW1 to have a good enough relationship with her in-laws, it’s no wonder she is ready to go into full retreat mode the first chance she gets.
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There are practical reasons for maintaining good relationships with stepchildren even after being widowed. They may become your caretakers as you age (or at least see that you are cared for). They may also provide (step)grandchildren whereas your own child might not ever bear offspring, and you may find that rewarding. Besides, sometimes it is better to be kind than honest.
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@bittenbyknittin Exactly. Plus they said that "I think they actually do love me". If that's true, imagine if they had to endure not only the loss of their father, but of their stepmother shortly after?
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@bittenbyknittin Making it a transactional relationship....be nice to them so maybe they'll take care of you or give your step grandchildren...feels so wrong to me, emotionally and ethically. There are some situations when honesty is both emotionally and ethically imperative (when someone is being abused, for example), but in most situations, kindness brings more joy to all. As does, as TMJ says much more eloquently than I can, freeing ourselves of our emotional limitations.
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@bittenbyknittin no. If she does not want contact, then so be it. Telling her to maintain contact for the possibility that they will be caregivers is also wrong. That would be clearly using them for her own purposes.
I have stepchildren that I probably will never see when my spouse passes. I would never dream of pretending to have a relationship with them in order that they "might" care give for me.
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