Maybe it’s just me, but my personal aversion to Trump is not political. It is more primal than that, in the sense that, though I don’t know him personally, the public perception which he, aggressively cultivates, is that of a person who has worked diligently to present himself as morally and personally decadent.
This is not to say that other political figures that I may have supported were above that bar. It is likely that some of them were decadent as well, but they strived to present themselves as socially appropriate. Trump, clearly savors the public image of himself as decadent. He revels in it, and has done so for a long time.
I may be more politically liberal, and I am no prude, but I am of the belief that society, any society, persists because of, not in spite of, the rules that it promotes to make itself operable in the real world. This is, of course, a tepid endorsement of hypocrisy, but that is because the reality has always been that society persists more as a perception than as a hard and fast dogma. We can all understand, because we have lived the day-to-day reality of human fallibility. Where, then, does that leave us in regard to social mores? Realistically, we need the perception of constraint more than we need the actual limitations
Society is, in fact, a construct. We abide its constraints, more or less spottily, because they allow us to live in close proximity without harming each other. Trump openly flaunts constraint, which is why he’s dangerous.
Might be interesting to ask 'what are your interests in current events and where do you go for information?" Labels do not properly express points of view or whether someone is willing to talk thru differing opinions. However, if you are a Maddow fan and your friend loves Hannity - could be a deal killer.
What a privilege to think that politics is "not actually that important."
What you're actually saying is that you are insulated enough --- by class, by gender, by race, by job security, by what-have-you --- that you don't think you'll ever be negatively affected by any government policies, and that you don't have the empathy to understand that others aren't so lucky.
There are people out here fighting for their human rights. How could you date somebody who doesn't see that?
38
Notice how it's only the republics who are whining.
Democrats are fine with excluding MAGAs but MAGAs fear losing their leftists friends because, let's face it, we're funnier, prettier, smell better and are just better people all around than the MAGA.
Can you imagine going on a date with high school dropout lauren boebert or young girl enthusiast matt gaetz and trying to engage in conversation them?
Ugh.
You MAGAs should really stick to your own kind and we'll stick with ours.
7
You know it’s funny, all these people that automatically assume all trump supporters are misogynistic, racist, homophobic, bigoted etc. are doing the exact same thing that leads to those things. Generalizations of entire groups of people based off of assumptions without willingness to see another perspective. The hypocrisy is amazing and it’s also interesting to see how they parrot what they see from the media and create an echo chamber.
@Andrew I don’t think that all Trump supporters are racist bigots, etc, but every single Trump supporter supports a racist, misogynist bigot. Therefore I proudly and unapologetically exclude them from my personal life.
Trump supporters are confused why I put "No trump" on my dating profile. Supporting trump, which 90+ percent of so called "conservatives" do is a choice that reflects poorly on your character and morals. You can't convince me with any amount of dialog or conversation of anything else. That wasn't the same with Reagan, Bush I and even Bush II. You can't see it because all you care about is your 401K. Great - you have your own dating sites. Just remember - there will always be more of us than you. November is coming.
11
Wow. I'm shocked at how many people state they would not, or do not, fully describe their political views on a dating site. I'm recently divorced after 22 years married. Unless I just wanted sex and no conversation, I can't imagine trying to date someone whose ideas or politics are repellant to me. Talking is the sexiest thing of all. Dating is sharing one's experiences and outlook, and hearing someone else's. I'm in a real minority here since I abhor Republicans and Democrats alike. I love a good debate and that starts with expressing the truth about who one is, and what one believes.
4
Based on where I live, I can barely get any dates. They're all far-right Republicans and I'm a liberal who doesn't believe in drinking kool-aid from either side. I make up my own mind. In Tennessee, that means I'm a communist race traitor in their world. So yeah, not a lot of dates.
6
"Politics is not actually that important..."
You may not care about politics, but politics cares about you. Get engaged or get run over.
6
Be honest about who you are and what you are looking for.
I don’t want to date a Trumper or an Evangelical woman. So why should I? A Trump-supporting Evangelical woman wouldn’t want to date a New York Jew, so why should she?
Why should either of us hide who we are?
8
First of all, can we stop equating being conservative with Trump and the present day Republican party? They are a lot of things, but conservative is not one of them. To be blunt, if you support Trump and the Republicans it is a major indicator of your moral perspective and values. Sorry, there is no other way to look at it. Anyone who ignores that critical information deserves what they get. Personally, I would run, not walk, to the nearest exit. For those people who long for the good old days when we all got along (which we really didn't, not even close), the stakes are much higher today so it is not an issue that should be ignored. You do so at your own peril.
6
I think the article could have made a better distinction between being conservative/traditional Republican vs. a Trump supporter. They are two very different things!
3
@Rick Sanchez,
Still trying to untether yourself form the insurrectionists president, mr. rightist?
Good luck with that MAGA.
Why not make it easy for people looking at your profile? After all, isn't compatibility a key factor for long term relationships? And aren't you supposed to stay away from talking about politics and religion at work and formal gatherings so as not to create hostility?
I remember having 13 men contacting me on a dating site and having online conversations with all of them. But it started to become time consuming and I needed a way to weed some out. So I replaced my profile photo with one of me at a table casually holding a "Nasty Women" labeled mug. I was living in AZ at the time so in no time flat all these potential suitors disappeared. I laughed and was also grateful.
It saved me a lot of time and frustration in the long run so I recommend not hiding your political affiliation if your values are tied to it. Mine were so it was the right move for me.
5
The thing I've noticed being in an area that largely supports Trump is they don't like to talk about politics because it is so difficult to defend the things he does. I think it's important to have these discussions, and do so in a way that everyone can come back to the table, but political discussions have gone from "I understand you, I just don't agree with you" to "If you're not on my side you are my literal enemy." Politics have gone total war, and I question if there is a way back from that.
6
@Chris Hinricher,
The "I support trump but I'm not a racist" excuse was silly the very first time they tried it.
It's ten times siller now that we know they type of "man" it really is.
1
The conservative mind is fine, however,
the far right conservative psychological predisposition IS A BAD BET!
At times even an affliction.
Go ahead, try it. Good luck.
Signed,
Years in Texas
7
To not care about politics is understandable but RIDICULOUS and IRRESPONSIBLE.
A cop out.
3
Wait, people still date? I thought everyone just "hooked up" for one night and then checked their app for the next experience.
5
I have some clients and cousins who may have voted for Trump--I don't ask—but no friends. I can't imagine how such a friendship would work. And though I dated a Republican a couple of times 15 years ago, he didn't support the Iraq war or the social issues, so I could deal. He's probably a Democrat by now. There's a world of difference between Reagan and Bush (both of whom I despised) and Trump, who's the sort of person that you want to kill and then bring back to life so you can kill him again.
24
Politics really has become the new religion, hasn't it. Anyone thinking this is a good thing might benefit from re-reading this piece.
3
Considering the amount of time it will take to sort out and undo the damage done to America by Donald J. Trump, politics is going to play a huge role over the next decade or more and couples will need to be on the same footing to survive that.
10
I married someone who voted for Gerald Ford in 1976. I am a progressive liberal but in those days politics was not as divisive as today.
I am a full blown activist and I thank trump for getting my husband to finally realize how politics can effect your life. What tipped him in my direction was trump’s inflammatory remarks about Mexicans because we have Mexicans in our family.
If I were young today, I wouldn’t touch a Republican with a twenty foot pole. Anyone who supports that reprobate’s ugly agenda is no one I want any connection to. I have benefitted immensely from the stock market so don’t accuse me of being poor and jealous of moneyed folks. Far from it.
My adult age children know better than to bring Republicans into our family. They support a man who is destroying this country and all that we hold dear. Giving Rush the Medal of Freedom?
Call me close minded. You are right. I am close minded to being associated with those who admire bigotry, ignorance, lying, cheating, and stealing.
48
It's not surprising that conservatives living in largely blue cities would be more willing to cross date - they see firsthand that the caricature of lazy entitled liberals is nonsense, they understand that living in a big city requires a degree of openness and tolerance of others and probably realize that rampant gun ownership or concealed carry laws would be a disaster in close quarters as the subway, and they see many hard-working immigrants that bring a vitality to the city, they meet people of all faiths. In short, they know that the liberal lifestyle and agenda is not destroying the country. OTOH, people who believe that inaction on global warming is going to have catastrophic consequences, who worry about clean water and air and about losing healthcare benefits - who believe the Republican party is trying to create a plutocracy - well, they DO believe that Republican party at this point in time poses a grave threat to the well being of the country and the planet. It's easier to be open-minded when you don't think the stakes are all that high. They don't care if we have a President that you can't take seriously, who doesn't know what he is doing, because they don't think much needs to be done.
11
The bottom line is listen to your mother. In a social setting don't talk about politics or religion.
In a legit setting you can talk (post) about politics in arenas like the NY Times or conservative publications and try to educate the other side..
Otherwise hold off, unless the two sides can agree to disagree.
2
Political choices reflect your values, and shared values are critical to any relationship.
So yes, politics matters. A lot.
That's not being small-minded, it's being realistic.
And by the way, being liberal does NOT mean "I'll take anybody regardless of their beliefs."
I'm a liberal and I am proudly "close-minded" about misogyny, racism and Fascism - they are all evil. I won't give my support to these things in any way, shape or form.
34
@Ambient Kestrel. Amen!
3
The scariest comments are by the under-30s, indicating how "unimportant" & "boring" politics are and that they "dont really have an impact..." Lord, save us from the next generation.
11
@Julia Don’t give up on them. They will pick our nursing homes.
1
Got a little chuckle from the woman who wrote that she is not conservative and was surprised that men thought she was referring to sex.
Being male, I was not surprised.
17
Curtis says we shouldn't sort by politics, but politics at the very least reflect personalities, values, and world views. I'm a progressive and frankly I can't imagine having a romantic partner who is a conservative.
16
Interesting topic, especially close to anticipated or dreaded Valentine’s Day.
It seems that no one really cared about politics until 2016!
Dating or marrying someone with different political views was a pretty common and non-noteworthy occurrence.
Your spouse might like a bland conservative and you might favour a bland liberal.
I’ve been married to my spouse for two decades and we spoke about politics for perhaps a few occasional minutes, maybe once a week, as we scanned the the news channels while searching for a TV movie. That was it. A little political banter, then a pleasant evening.
Well, lol and behold, around 2016, my husband announced that he “likes Trump”. I’ve treated this inclination with as much calm as I can muster and have decided, that given his good record as a spouse and parent, it’s not worth an argument.
Thankfully, this is made a lot easier because neither of us are American voters and the political controversies of our southern neighbor are none of our business.
7
If some guy doesn't think I am his equal, in every way and that this equality shouldn't be supported by the world at large, a relationship simply isn't possible.
I've found that republicans, especially now, do not meet that parameter. Wasn't always like that, though, but I wouldn't consider going out with one now.
19
I would never identify politic leaning as I was always told to avoid politicsa and religoun when dealing with a client or a new acquantance or meeting someone for the first time. There is so much more to talk about. I used to identify as Republican leaning but can no longer support them. First time I crossed party line for president in 35 years. I am tired of politics and to lead with that in a profile I guess is setting up a potential very potential boring and or contentious date.
Make dating fun again.
5
i would never date a republican. the brand has becone synonymous with ignorance, cruelty, misogyny, homophobia, hate and bullying
58
Gosh, did I put it too harshly about Trump supporters? Well suffice to say, totally impossible to date a Trump supporter for more than ten seconds. Just can't accept that mentality, ignorance, bigotry, and fascism.
38
I put always put either I was moderate or Liberal and on E Harmony I got matched with one of the Leaders of the Georgia Tea Party in the House of Representatives. This bigoted man had changed the Ga Child support formula to lower what any mother who worked got paid, and if fathers claimed mother than every other week visitation ( even if they never took it ) mothers child support was reduced). All because he didn’t like paying child support and he felt guys should have money left for a second or third family.
Needless to say I did not swipe back!
29
Dare I hope that the 20-somethings quoted here who don’t know how important politics is and who may even be Trump supporters quickly realize how wrong they are? Start with healthcare- very few of them will make it to 45 without needing some type of medical evaluation and drugs. Good luck on the cost if you let the Republicans make things worse (which they clearly indicate they will). But right now they think they are invincible-or would be if some immigrant did not have their preferred job (really?), if their taxes were lower (who do they think has put the burden on the middle class?), if education was less costly (who wants you to stay stupid?). And, hey, environmental destruction is good for the economy and they can afford bottled water (try that with clean air!).
21
I won't date anyone who plans to vote again for Trump. Although I may back off that if Socialist Bernie and his weirdo band of bros gets the nod. Worst of the worst.
5
Someone who thinks politics are entertainment, but not really that important is already showing that we wouldn't be a good match. It hasn't always been true, but right now there is a massive difference between simply put, a Trump supporter willing to turn a blind eye to things that even lifelong Republicans and extreme conservatives (like Bolton) can't swallow.
29
The challenge with our president is that he rejects multiple demographics because they are different from the dominant majority. Women, immigrants, people of color, Muslims, even liberals, however moderate- his perspectives and rhetoric are inherently threatening to the safety and well being of those people. I feel unsafe in Trump’s America. When I have trouble speaking with his supporters it’s not because I’m close minded against them or against the president. It’s because they are close minded to the possibility that his rhetoric and behavior fundamentally undermine the human dignity and thus the safety of millions of people. If someone isn’t able or willing to accept that perspective- that everyone has worth and deserves to be safe and treated with dignity- then we don’t have a foundation to build a relationship upon. Many liberals, by the way, have the same problem. They just lack a leader who so demonstrably shares their vice and serves as such a tidy shorthand for a corrosive perspective.
27
It is quite easy - if you admire trump we have absolutely nothing whatsoever in common. And never will.
55
In 2020, if you choose to indicate you're "conservative" as opposed to "moderate" on a dating app, I am swiping left. I don't know if they mean it as a pro-Trump statement, but I interpret it that way.
13
I'm not from your country and don't have a dog in the fight but it does seem that most of the liberals in these comments are anything but. Unless a person agrees with them politically then they just cast them into the outer darkness.
Maybe its worth considering that some of the nicer and kinder people might not share your politics, that goes for both sides.
12
@Paul Carlton But now it's more that that. MAGA is a quick and easy shorthand meaning more than likely the person is over 60, does not have a college degree, and is in the lower socio-economic rung. So there you go. Very few, if any, current supporters have any intellectual curiosity and most have an authoritarian, conservative, old-school style. It's not just who you vote for. Trump has done a great job of sorting for us -- all the chaff has fallen out.
19
@Paul Carlton Conservatives that support Trump do not share my very strong belief that I am a person who deserved equal consideration and treatment under the law. That is alarming and for self-preservation purposes I consider it ill advised to be alone with such individuals.
24
@SusanStoHelit THANK YOU.
This is so not a time of "well, you're Republican and I'm Democrat, and we're just a bit different." No. There is a war on climate, immigrants, people of color, women, trans people (military ban), Muslims (travel ban) etc. I will not cooperate in oppression.
22
What‘s politics got to do with it?
@Casual observer Because statistically Trump supporters are low-information, very religious, authoritarian, and do not have a college degree. Conservative men typically don't care about that because they assume women will just follow them anywhere and who cares what women think ahead in their little heads. Women and liberal men do care about their partner's education, intelligence, curiosity, religiosity, and life experience!
16
I’m Black and transgender... that means I don’t need to state my political beliefs because people see my very identity as being political, for better and for worse.
31
Reading these remarks, it seems Trump supporters have a very hard time getting a date.
33
@maitena As well they might. Putting aside Republicans that are sick of Trump (and we know there are a few), his supporters subscribe to a selfish point of view that excludes many others from the help they need in this prosperous country. Who would want to get into even the most superficial relationship with someone they know from the get-go is out for themselves, probably a white supremist, and thinks it's OK for their leader to cheat his contractors, grab women by their private parts, and call his commanders babies? Because anyone who still supports Trump is on board with that behavior. Watch the rallies. They love him! Decent people don't sleep with people like that, whatever their party affiliation.
13
It's tricky because while I wouldn't touch a Republican (or a libertarian or "not that political", which means conservative) with a telephone pole, leftist men can be sexist garbage too when it comes to sex and dating. If/when my current relationship ends I plan to die alone.
17
@Flora
I've found that to be true. The biggest road-rager I dated would burn incense and profess to love all living creatures. However if they are a Trumper it's a lot easier to suss them out. I did stand up and walk out on a date when he said that Sandy Hook was made up and he could show me on the internet. I never even said good bye.
12
“No Trump-Republicans need apply.”
Given what a Trump-Republican implies, what would you want to share with this person? It speaks volumes about who they are: deceitful, or ok with being so; opportunistic, or ok with being so; misogynistic, bigoted, homophobic and 'Christian'.
Sounds like a rewarding future.
32
Refusing to date a Trump supporter is not being close-minded, it's about values. Values are important.
60
I respect Megan Reilley, but it's hopelessly naive of her to expect that many men will interpret "not conservative in any way" as anything other than a reference to sex. Why use such an awkward phrase? Just write "liberal" or "politically progressive" or "Democrat." These aren't bad words--certainly not to the man who's right for her. As anyone who's dated online for a while knows, or should know, certain words have become code for something else. E.g. "open-minded" usually means sexually, not intellectually.
I say this as a cis het woman who always posts a G-rated profile and photos, and who indicates her desire for a serious, monogamous LTR with a compatible gentleman, and yet still gets lewd comments all the time.
24
@Maria
This is so true!
3
In this polarized climate what folks don't seem to get is that the right-left dichotomy is really just one thing. Try finding a front that doesn't have a back or an up without a down. It's unhealthy to have this political wedge driven through every aspect of life in our nation! We need each other.
I think we could have a healthy and constructive political dialog if we did away with 24 hour corporate news and went back to the earlier model of news as a loss leader for networks instead of infotainment for ratings. We are polorized because we live in different manufactured realities which emphasize our biases. It reaches into every facet of life including dating. We now have a president who thrives on the division and has learned to drive it to his benefit.
We need to end this!
9
@Ed Robinson It's more complex than that. Yes, it would be wonderful if we could just get along, respect each other, and have a good talk to arrive at at least some shared values. But there's a take-no-prisoners attitude coming from the GOP, particularly the Senate and McConnell that is unusual historically. The fact that a large, mostly invisible evangelical movement finances political puppets so they can get their agenda through admits to no stepping out of line or working together. https://www.politicalresearch.org/2016/08/18/dominionism-rising-a-theocratic-movement-hiding-in-plain-sight
5
I honestly found how obsessive and narrow minded people were about politics when I was dating to be a massive turn off. I'm a social conservative, and half the things I would see people had about not dating republicans or people who don't believe in xyz impending catastrophe to be insanely close minded and bigoted. I grew up in and now live in a very liberal city, and am constantly dealing with people who think differently. Even when I have strong evidence to the contrary of what they say, I can still interact with them, have drinks with them, and think they're generally good people. You mean to tell me you can't offer the same attitude in dating and relationships, which by the way is all about compromise?
Ultimately I grew fed up and wound up dating a lot of foreign nationals, until I met my girlfriend, who's here from China on a work visa. She's a wonderful person and I don't have to deal with the shallow, mind numbing mine field I found so typical amongst Americans, just because she doesn't care about our political system.
6
@Joshua Well, Trump is actively trying to send your girlfriend back to China so you may get to deal with some numbing mine fields yet. I have a friend on a valid work vias who had to leave work here to wait in India because your people shut down the government and he had to get a stamp on his new passport - he finally succeeded at one of the foreign visa offices that Trump has now closed as "unnecessary."
33
@bcw And a Phd candidate I met in school who was doing important research was sent back to Pakistan because he couldn't get his visa renewed last spring. This is hurting us because a lot of our STEM talent comes from out of the country. Meanwhile, people like Betsy De Vos are making sure Christian private schools are getting huge breaks and public schools are not getting the support they need. It's a mess, so better wake up.
12
Joshua,
I am reminded of my friends who dated “Russian” in the 90’s.
Good people are found, but alterior motives abound.
3
The time when self-identifying as a Republican wasn't an accurate identifier of someone who possessed at least one of the following characteristics is long gone - racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, selfish, lacking in empathy (and I could go on and on) - is long gone. Would anyone be criticized for swiping left on anyone who used one of these descriptors in their profile. Even the "socially liberal, fiscally conservative" Republicans of old are exposing themselves by remaining in the GOP.
52
If you want to date--and perhaps ultimately marry--a person who has a compassionate soul and believes in honesty, you can not have any interest in someone who loves Trump. It's that simple. Politics in this case is not just another box to check on a form; it is an honest look at values.
98
@ClearThnker
Absolutely agree. Politics is a perfect litmus test, in my experience (in my 40s now), for how deeply a person thinks. I can have interesting discussions with right-wing leaning folks, but ultimately find their arguments fail to hold up to logic and self-consistency.
(Usually the cognitive dissonance is "solved" by a religious argument. Sometimes it's an admitted selfish short-shortsightedness, i.e. wanting to make more money.)
I may be friends or friendly acquaintances with someone who's viewpoints are internally inconsistent or selfish, but I'm not interested in dating them -- I would not be able to fall in love.
23
@ClearThnker
I would date a Republican woman if she is a southerner or from the rural west...if she is kind and intelligent and not university educated.
These people are heavily propagandized by Fox news and the Sinclair network and will come to more reasonable views when exposed to another news environment.
If not God help America.
@Jan Laube,
Fox ain't news.
Never has been.
It's a 24/7/365 propaganda channel designed to manipulate rurals into voting against their own economic self-interest.
1
The current Trump-Republican set of beliefs run so counter to what I consider to be common measures of decency that I would find it hard to consider people who ascribe to such beliefs as 'friends'.
100
@David
Republicans used to be tolerable. Now it’s a no brained to exclude trumpsters from social circles for anyone who values basic human values. Call me close minded. I consider myself a human being .
6
"Republican" didn't used to mean "racist" but Trump has made it hard to distinguish between the two. His anti-immigrant policies seem to be based on nothing but the dislike some people have of being around those who look different or sound different than they do. If that is not racism, what is?
Disagreements about trade or taxes are one thing, but I don't want to spend time with someone who harbors racist beliefs. They will frequently say things I find profoundly unpleasant, giving me the choice of keeping my mouth shut or having an argument. That is not my idea of fun.
58
My profile has states that certain political views are a deal-breaker. I can be friends with people who have those views. I just don't want to go to bed with them.
31
Many of my potential "matches" are pro Trump, while I am not, leading me to believe that the dating sites are incredible rip offs that ignore ALL your specifications, even the obvious ones like race and religion, but that's a topic for another day. I wrestled with whether or not to put my anti-Trumpism up front in my profile and chose not to. However, when one site asked "Who do you want to be president?" I did respond, "Anyone else." One match had a profile photo with the caption "My living room".....The TV had Fox News with Trump on the screen. I had to laugh....at least he wasn't on a Harley, or holding a giant fish.
28
@Janet Hey!! What's wrong with Harleys!? haha I ride one but I'm not pro Trump even though he is my Commander in Chief (I'm a Marine, 16 years and counting).
I am an independent but lean left. My wife is Canadian and she leans right (She is actually pursuing a US citizenship). We get along perfectly fine and rarely discuss politics. We do have differing opinions on some things and the similar opinions on others.
5
@Amone I would bet a "right-leaning Canadian" is closer to an Obama-era Democrat than a voter in favor of Mitch McConnell or Donald Trump...
12
@Janet Yep. I would date someone with a profile picture on a Harley, or holding a giant fish, or even better, both simultaneously -- omg I would date that person in a heartbeat!
But a Fox News watcher? Ugh, no.
15
I ended a date quickly when he revealed that he voted for Trump and planned to do so again. He said, "You people from Massachusetts are so closed-minded." He had just got finished telling me that the economy was good under Trump. If that isn't closed-minded (to the suffering all around him), I don't know what is. No, the majority of people from Massachusetts are intelligent, well-educated and civilized, bro.
71
@Barb Crook
As a man, I think the catch is this: Women often want a man with a solid income. Most men with a solid/high income work in finance or, at least, have a stock portfolio. They are invested in the capitalist machine, which often benefits from Republican policy.
I live and date in NYC, and women here seem to want six-figure guys (or seven figure guys). But they also want them to be very liberal and anti-materialist. The only men like that are actors, musicians, and models.
It's hard for a man to own a nice home and be able to afford private school without having investments and harboring some fiscally conservative attitudes regarding the market and government policy. If you want to live in Brookline or Back Bay or Lexington and send your kids to Shady Hill or BB&N, you might need a fiscally conservative husband, unless you marry a successful actor or musician.
9
@Anti-Marx
Oh please. It may surprise you to learn that many women, especially in liberal bastions like Boston and Manhattan make six figures themselves. Further, it may surprise you to learn that there are plenty of men (every single one I hang with, in fact) that vote Dem and are disgusted by Trump and his ilk. I am an attorney and most of my social group is made up of attorneys. Literally not one of us makes less than six figures or supports Trump, investment portfolio or not. See, some of us do not put money above all.
34
@Mna
I meant more like 400k/yr. I live in TriBeCa. Here, the average income is 400k/yr. I know people making seven figures bonuses on Wall St.
After some experience with this subject, I wouldn't try dating a Trump supporter again any more than I'd be willing to date a member of an unpleasant and delusional religious cult who is impervious to facts, reason, or science of any kind. The two are probably identical except, perhaps, in degree of fanaticism, with Trump supporters usually being the more fanatical.
I'm gay, so add to this the self-loathing of gay Trump supporters and (invariably in my observation) their mawkish and probably vain attempts to impress certain of their relatives.
57
I spent my early 20s thinking I'd never date a Republican. Now in my early 30s I find obnoxious liberals far more aggravating. Funny how that happened.
14
@K.
Obnoxious people tend to be aggravating regardless of their political leanings.
I'm very progressive, but certainly find illogical and inconsistent arguments across the political spectrum to be obnoxious.
I still only date people who share -- or at least understand -- my deepest values.
12
Good luck.
And stay safe, skip the self reflection.
1
Good luck.
1
For those who think that it is wrong or limiting to put "not Trump supporters" in a profile, maybe you can think of this as self--protection. Why would I want to date someone who supports someone that I consider vile and evil? Why would anyone want to date me when they see my views as cringe-worthy?
78
To conservatives saying they're open and willing to learn: It isn't anyone's job to teach you or change your mind, especially not a potential date/match.
74
@Liz
Well stated.
5
@Liz so true. And how could someone become old enough to date and not learned anything about the value of truth, education, science, compassion, kindness? One potential online match told me I was small minded because in vetting him I learned he had been disbarred for unethical behavior and told him I was cutting off contact. Yeah, right.
18
These days, best to know early. In the past, we might have enjoyed some James Carville - Mary Matalin antics, but those were largely cerebral debates on policy concepts.
Not so today, where many Republicans (note: *not* "conservatives") are diametrically opposed to many of the ideas and concepts that progressive citizens hold dear.
And these aren't just cerebral debates anymore. If you practice Republicanism today, you likely practice a life that closely mirrors the party - that is, a life of close-mindedness, lack of empathy and nativism/racism.
I'm not certain I'd be compatible at all with a Republican. Might as well just accept that.
57
I tend to vote Democratic in presidential elections but not always-once I voted Republican. My husband votes Republican always. We agree to debate and then we disagree on our views on issues . But that doesn't mean we can't have a good marriage. In my house my parents taught us that it's okay to not be the same always. There were many times they would laugh after a presidential or gubernatorial election and say they cancelled each other out.
I am not someone who doesn't care about politics but I don't see it as a deal breaker. If you can talk to me about why you feel the way you do I will listen. I expect you to do the same for me. In the end, you might not change my mind and I might not change yours but maybe we have come a little closer in understanding why the other person feels the way they do.
4
People who are indifferent toward politics or find it "boring" baffle me. Politics is simply a stand-in for who and what dictates human lives. Taking democracy and stability for granted is a great way to lose both.
85
@Daniel I completely agree. Your employer is into politics. Your landlord is into politics. Your student loan provider is into politics.
Citizens need to be invested in politics, so their voices are heard over the voices of corporations whose only priority is profit.
19
@Ryan
what if YOU are the employer and landlord, and you don't have any loans?
@Anti-Marx
The police - politics
Your tax bill - politics
Your schools - politics
Your roads - politics
Is someone there trying to stop a person from breaking into your home and business and stealing from you? Politics.
11
I think this article spoke with more men.... should be more diverse, and reflect all perspectives
9
@Love the Movie Actually, I went back and counted. The story quoted eight women and seven men. :)
15
The problem isn't right vs left exactly: it's that a relationship cannot work when the participants live in separate fact universes. I could not cope with someone who ingests the endless disinformation from Fox -- and takes it as truth.
And there's no equivalence between Fox on the right and anything on the left. Fox is in a league of its own in terms of biased reporting.
138
I think an important distinction here is that nowadays, some people don't have the option to not be political, or not care about politics, because the identities they have or work they do are constantly under attack by the administration. So when people say they don't care about politics or politics don't matter much to them, it's hard for me to relate to them because as a woman with student debt who works in immigration and foreign policy, I can't really choose to opt out of politics.
72
@Grace
While this is true, I think there needs to be better recognition on the Left that both sides are manipulating these identity touchpoints. The Repubs do and say awful things in part in order to get reactions and distract. Unfortunately, it works when the Dems amplify within the game, rather than seek to control the overall narrative.
I think people now days are defiantly too focused on the polarization of politics. Both parties are going to lie, are corrupt, and are going to do whatever they want anyways. people seem to forget that there are republicans out there that don't believe in god and or are gay, and there are democrats out there that are gun owners and go to church. not being open minded means you get cut short on something that could be great. unfortunately, that just means you have to do the whole trial and error thing.
Although, saying that people shouldn't have the ability to defend them selves and that gay people shouldn't be allow to marry does it for me, that's an automatic walkout, regardless of party affiliation.
6
In the past I dated conservative men. But I found that this conservatism translated into all sorts of bizarre notions of what women can and cannot do. (Travel alone...go pretty much anywhere at night...take kids trick or treating at Halloween...etc etc. The list was huge.)
And there were horrifically embarrassing moments when they insulted homeless people, black people, Jews...long list here too...in public. Then I decided I couldn't keep dating people like this.
This was before Trump came along. Anybody who could vote for Trump in spite of his efforts to divide and destroy us is just too far gone for me.
This eliminates a large percentage of men; but I have wonderful friends and family, and I've already been in one bad marriage. Life is too short.
205
@A4Ag9#Fb@Y1*
So you're saying that a wide swath of women commit the sin of generalizing about a wide swath of men?
Well, that's an interesting generalization.
10
I think the sin here is that "conservative" is being used interchangeably with "GOP". There IS no conservative party. There is only the trump GOP.
3
Extremists can’t tolerate any deviation from the party line because extremism is inherently too fragile to withstand dissent.
20
Politics used to be about how to fund the national budget, whether spending or saving was the right thing to do. Now it's about the values you hold and there are values I can't get past. If you support a president and a party that willfully separated parents from young, young children, send them to opposite parts of the country with absolutely no plan or concern on how to reunite them, that's not politics, that's a value based on deliberate cruelty to children. People who can in any way justify such deliberate cruelty, are not people I want to be in the same city with, let alone go out on a date with.
149
@Sipa111 You are right--it really is that simple!
20
@Sipa111 The thought that we have lost track of children who may never be reunited with their families because they may have be sold or forced into some kind of slavery makes my head explode. Anyone who knows this and is OK with it is not someone I want to know.
6
A person's politics are one of the most important manifestations of their fundamental values -- their views on freedom, authority, openness, order, gender roles -- or not. Increasingly they are becoming a reflection on how a person values honesty, civility, tolerance, difference, aggression or cooperation, humor or mean-spirited bullying. How can these not be important in an intimate relationship?
131
People's political priorities change with the choices presented over time. If someone hasn't grasped that reality, they aren't really mature enough to consider dating.
13
Excellent point! I have loved and admired, in family, friendships, work and romantic relationships, people of many differing political persuasions. But when I meet someone who admires a public figure known, even by his supporters, to be a giant lying con man, in turns my stomach. That’s all. I just can’t fathom why that that behavior is ok.
145
Not caring about politics is a real privilege. I wish more people would see it that way.
74
@Native NYer
I guess one can understand this as: not caring about other beings, environment, human rights and abuses… This is not called privilege, this is called selfishness and ignorance.
19
@Native NYer,
Not caring about politics is childish.
So how many times did you vote for trump?
This is not about a difference in politic view, that's easy to deal with. This is about the fact that either we have laws or we don't. Those who can't see right from wrong regardless of their political persuasion are very hard to like as well as understand.
45
Luckily, I am not dating in this day and age (coming up on 37th anniversary this year) and political leanings played no part at all when we met or since then. We believed in a much bigger picture. All persons are equal and should have equal opportunity. Voting for a candidate rather than a party (which has led us to vote for both Republicans and Democrats over the years). Love of the outdoors and conservation. The importance of a good education (since both of us were first in family to graduate college). Our individual as well as collective friends range from far right to far left. What we find obstreperous are those who seek to convert others or force their viewpoint on to others and there are multiple examples of far left and far right and neither side is willing to accept someone on the other side may have a good idea. What we find onerous is the grenade lobbing from the trenches on both sides and refusal to change. The number of closed minds now greatly exceeds those that are open.
8
From my perspective, different political ideologies have always created some tension in relationships, it’s only a big deal now because of social dating websites. I recall a number of dinner parties (circa mid to late 1990s) where all of us supposedly evolved, upwardly mobile suburbanites respectfully debated the issues of the day over cocktails. Husbands and wives of differing opinions would just put it out there. It was fun, sometimes got heated but everyone went home happy. I feel bad for those of you who never experienced this sort of banter. It’s as American as a 4th of July bbq.
8
@JB I think the reason these more casual dynamics don't exist anymore is because many people in the dating world (often young people) are dealing with the crushing pressure of student loan debt, plagued by the inhumanity of immigration policies, constantly aware of the impending threat of climate change, they can't afford to start their lives by investing in property, and they're trying desperately to cope with the implosion of American democracy they find themselves in. We don't really have the option of viewing politics casually, because so many of our lives, livelihoods, and identities are caught up in what we see unfolding in the news everyday. Coupled with the incessant nature of the news cycle and social media, we just aren't able to think about politics casually. It intimately affects every facet of our public and private lives.
44
Finding love is hard enough. Now people don't want to date anyone whose politics may differ from theirs? The only people who would pass up an otherwise great match, and for reasons of politics, would be ultra-conservatives and ultra-liberals. As with all things, a happy medium is usually best.
Ultra-liberals love to malign and think they are better than ultra-conservatives. They are not. Simply two sides of the same, unyielding, close-minded, brainwashed/robotic coin.
22
Supporting a man as vile as trump is no medium. He embraces hate and all the -isms. Supporting him is saying you don’t believe in equality or human rights. It is in no way “extreme” to not want someone in your life who supports that way of thinking. Especially as a partner when there are children involved.
166
@Lynn If I were single and dating, I could date a conservative whose values I shared. I absolutely could not date a Trump supporter because there is no way that someone who shares my values would vote for Trump.
In this day and age, I've discovered Trump created a strange fault line where there were people of similar beliefs who I have nothing political in common with and people who I usually disagree with in whom we share a fundamental sense of what is right and wrong re our country.
That's not being "closed minded". That's a basic matter of compatibility.
44
@Lynn I do not consider myself "ultra liberal" but if someone doesn't believe I have total bodily autonomy it is a deal breaker. Why would I put myself in a vulnerable position with an individual that does not believe that I, and I alone, should have absolute and total control over what happens to my body? In my experience, conservatives are the only group that seem to have a problem with this stance.
17
I wonder how many of the people who think a date’s politics are unimportant risk losing some of their own fundamental rights?
Dating someone who supports or tolerates open misogyny would be an immediate no from me: politics isn’t abstract, it’s personal.
211
@Jemima Hickman My dad (who is still married to my mother) voted for Trump. And when I confronted his support for Trump after the Charlottesville incident, he was completely nonplussed.
The kicker is that, while not practicing, my mother, sister and I would be considered Jewish by other Jews and anti-semites.
I believe my dad truly does love his nuclear family; I don't know how he resolves the cognitive dissonance.
1
if you could date someone that lies like a
machine gun shoots, can do anything he
wants and cannot be investigated - good
luck...
35
Finding someone who's interesting and a good match is hard enough. When you factor in to the equation political beliefs, you set yourself up for instant failure.
I think this is a very difficult time in which to be dating. The first thing everyone wants to know is whether or not you voted for our current whack job of a president.
In our "swipe right, or swipe left" culture, where everything is superficial from the onset, why would anyone take the time to jump over political hurdles?
Skip the politics and get to know the individual-in person. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. You just don't have to date them.
8
Dating may be complicated, but we all know friendships are at risk too. We've never been close to anyone who follows the Trumpian "Me! Me! Me!" philsophy, but have talked with friends who have stopped seeing people because of the nastiness that has emerged. Suddenly realizing how closed-minded and full of hate someone you've known for years is can be shocking, especially when it comes with a side lecture on what they 'know' God wants.
98
Trump is so sexist and racist that I could not date a Trump supporter because I'd believe he was sexist and racist, too.
136
@Linda,
Because he is.
Interesting. Most people are way more open to the other side and indifferent to politics than I am. While I do what I can now to avoid talking about it I would never knowingly exchange saliva with someone who voted for Trump nor be receptive to someone who calls themselves a Republican today and watches Fox.
71
A slight derail.
I learned the word “incel” in an article about internet trolls. It means (usually) men who are involuntarily celibate (can’t get sex) who troll women online.
I’m a 38 year old gay man. I don’t have a huge sex drive but in my 20s I used to meet guys on gaydar. I have a partner but it’s more of a supportive relationship than sex driven.
I’ve tried a few times to launch a dating profile. I must be butt ugly or something because I just do no get many ‘hits’ at all. So at the age of 38 I’m starting to resign myself to never having sex again.
I know gay death occurs at 30 but this feels really sad and depressing to me. I can see why people use sex workers.
7
@James Awww, sadness...your message breaks my heart. I wish the best for you. Remember that you don't learn about yourself from other people, you learn about them. Don't give up!
15
My preference would be to date someone with similar values, and one’s political beliefs plays a huge role in that. So no trump supporter/voter, second amendment enthusiast, Hillary Clinton hater or the like would get my time and I’d not be afraid to say so loudly up front.
73
Of course I specified in my dating profile that being a Trump supporter was a deal breaker. Why waste my time with someone who admires what I despise? And while I was perusing the sites, I was happy to come across men who specified the same because I knew we’d have some common ground…a good starting point.
I think that “we should keep an open mind and listen to the other side” is a pretty naïve cry these days. We’re not talking about minor differences of political opinion but core values and belief systems. And I see no reason to spend time with someone whose core values are abhorrent to mine. My partner felt the same way when we met two years ago, and we’re happily in love today.
178
Saying you are a Trump supporter is equivalent to saying you support ignorance, lies, fear mongering, environmental degradation, hate mongering, demagoguery, and racism. What good person would want to date someone who supports all of that?
298
@Chad Your position on Trump supporters is quite close to that of the Democratic Party. This willful refusal to understand why Trump's national policies appeal to tens of millions of Americans is throwing the 2020 election into doubt.
2
@Chad Sexism and sexual abuse, fraud, not paying people for work they have done over and over again, declaring bankruptcy while defrauding others multiple times, not hiring American workers, not using American vendors, befriending evil dictators, trying to destroy the free press.
Proud New Yorker, disgusted by T since the 80s.
22
@TH Maybe we understand too well.
14
It isn't just dating, while it was possible to have a roommate that was a Bush supporter, I honestly won't have anything to do with today's conservative Republicans. Just this summer I nope'd right out even answering several prospective applicants once I peeked at their facebook pages.
I don't care that it cost me extra time finding a roomie, I was not going to invite someone who supports them or Trump to live in my house.
172
@YayPGH i don't think i'm overstating things when I say that you are America's great living hero
12
@YayPGH I don't think I could've lived with a Bush supporter, at least if we had a TV. By the end of his first term, I literally had to change the channel every time he spoke. (I did read what he said later on, but my disgust reaction, like the one of have with Trump, was that visceral.)
5
As a partisan Democrat married for 11 years to a Republican, we would not stay married if she supported Trump. She became a Republican because she's pro-life and believes America is a force of good in the world under wise, honorable American leadership. The latter is simply incompatible with the Trump GOP.
46
@3swight I really can not understand you wife's idea regarding "pro life." her party cuts, and cuts, cuts and makes everyone that has nothing to begin with worst. If she is just anti abortion where should all those unwanted children go? there isn't any orphanages in the USA
57
@Marge As former Senator Eugene McCarthy of Minnesota once said, the conservatives believe that right to life begins at conception......and ends at birth.
30
@3swight - I laughed myself silly at "wise, honorable American leadership."
15
Thank goodness I'm 71, long-married, and with no need for declaring my distaste for Trump/Republicans on a swipe left-or-right -- at 71 I'd be one lonely old progressive hater.
But I admire those individuals open to opening up to romance with those of opposing views, just as I respect people who lay their bias on the line. Know thyself. And know the other self -- no reason to risk conflict before the check arrives if dessert is going to be flung in your face.
However, seriously -- it is a shame that we have gotten to the point where relationships are dead on arrival because of red/blue politics right off the bat. Swiping left or right is tricky enough -- but the divisiveness we've fallen into means civil discord to the point that our common humanity is common no more.
Maybe an app for independents -- swipe up or down. Up for dinner, down for movies, but everybody gets a chance to at least meet, greet and be sweet.
11
As an online dater, I find explicit mentions of politics in dating profile bios incredibly tacky. OkCupid has a separate set of questions, which include political opinions, and I have answered and look at those, but I absolutely don’t bring politics onto my main page, nor do I believe in discussing it on dates. Even as a liberal, I would hesitate to date someone who thought “no Conservatives” was a valuable use of their profile space. -NW
13
Being negatively defined by a label shows an inclination towards bigotry from those who are trying to categorize you.
10
The last time I used dating apps was in 2013. Even then, I had to be very careful, because I'm a progressive in a very conservative state. Almost all the men around here are very conservative, and many are kind of scary. Some post pictures of themselves holding a gun. I don't really understand why they think a woman would find that appealing.
I did date a seemingly "woke" man for a short time. He lived pretty far away, but we drove back and forth. IT turned out that he also was very controlling and authoritarian. He told me that he was worried about how he could control me, because I was the most independent woman he'd ever met.
After that I abandoned dating altogether.
128
@shannon , I hesitate to ask this question. I haven't found a way to say it that couldn't be taken as a criticism. Nevertheless I think the question is important enough to ask anyway, with a simple plea that you not take it as snark.
You live in a country that allows you unrestricted freedom of travel and residence in 50 states with different cultures and sometimes different laws. It is relatively easy to take your assets, job qualifications, and basic rights with you when you move to a different state. You don't even have to learn a new language, although you might have to adapt to some small regional differences.
It seems that you are saying that you find yourself culturally isolated. This is not because your cultural values are not compatible with US culture. Instead it is because you are living smack dab in the middle of a regional cultural pocket that you find culturally incompatible. Even though you are free to move elsewhere in the US, you choose instead to forego very important human social interactions entirely.
So, again, why not move? I am NOT saying that your choice is invalid nor am I saying that there are no valid reasons. I am just hoping that you will profit from reexamining this big tradeoff.
27
@Grindelwald It may not be that easy for a person to move. Shannon self-identified as living in Cookeville, Tennessee, which is the home of Tennessee Technological University. Perhaps Shannon is an academic, and in today's world, it's very difficult, if not impossible, for an academic to relocate without leaving their profession. There's also the matter that Shannon may have to remain in place due to obligations to family members, such as caring for an elderly parent. Moving like that may be fairly simple for a twentysomething with few commitments, but for others it can be quite difficult.
40
Yeah, seriously. It’s not that easy to just uproot your life and move to a new place, but you might it worth the trouble to find a more interesting group of prospective partners (and friends!) in a different place.
13
One dilemma encountered with dating apps is the question of how important a factor politics is for each individual. There simply is no such thing as right or wrong on that issue. Rather, each person needs to know themselves well enough to recognize what differences with a partner they are or are not able to deal with.
If one is passionate about one's political views, it may be impossible to conduct a successful relationship with someone whose opinions are diametrically opposed to yours. In that case, it is better to put that in your profile so that no one will waste their time pursuing something which is destined to fail. This is no different than any other factor for which some people leave little or no room for compromise, such as religious beliefs, educational level, musical taste, love or hatred of pets, sports team loyalty, etc.
Because politics in this country has become dramatically more polarized over the last 20 -25 years (with the help of outlets like Fox "news" offering viewers confirmation of their biases), it is harder for a romance between a liberal & a conservative to work out nowadays compared to a bygone era with a semblance of bipartisanship.
20
My husband, my children and I, don't always agree about politics. Or religion. That's ok, within limits. The current president has exceeded those limits. Clean air and water, the climate crisis, aren't negotiable. I'm glad I'm not trying to date right now.
207
Long-term partnered here, but have friends who are dating after divorce or being widowed.
Most have told us that they don’t overtly mention political ideology in their profiles, but screen early and often. Xtian/Cons/GOP/trumpers/libertarian tech bros or the like are filtered out; those ideologies are deal breakers.
Fortunately we live on a coast where the incidence of GOP voters is lower than in other parts of the nation.
45
@outlander Haha, I totally love how you've put "libertarian tech bros" in the same bucket as trumpers. But it's true: selfish, illogical, short-sighted philosophies all around.
6
I don't think people necessarily shy away from Trump-supporters because of politics; plenty of people with differing political opinions have gotten married in the past. These days I think people are wary of dating someone who doesn't accept facts as true, but instead make up their own "truths". That wouldn't bode well for any relationship.
250
@Gary Thank you for the analysis. Unfortunately, being a supporter of this president does indicate a willingness to forego the importance of facts-and compromise-both very necessary components of a successful relationship.
60
Conservatism seems to have garnered a sadistic streak lately. Combine this with a willingness to ignore the obvious and you are not going to have a very functional relationship.
Want to be happier? Work at give and take. Unfortunately this will be difficult with someone who is constantly in denial and tends to not think critically.
39
I married s when we were both young and we both had very different politic views. It becomes wearing when you vote that you cancel each other out. Eventually the politic differences became our marriage and it ended it.
43
I have trouble understanding all the people (interestingly seem to be mostly the male respondents) who think politics are unimportant in dating. Politics are all about your belief system and what values you hold in high regard. How could that not be important for determining comparability?
294
Seriously- as I told my tee
2
@Alex because actually if you talk to most people on both sides in the end they want similar things for their families and neighbors. To be prosperous, have opportunity, feel safe, happy, be honorable humans etc. Politics generally speaking isn’t about the destination it’s about how you get there.
13
Exactly. As I told my teenage daughter, the personal is political.
29