Erin Kaplan: You were not a jerk. You encountered a jerk. If her boss, your vet, does not resolve the situation to your satisfaction, change vets. You owe it to yourself and your beloved toutou. French slang: doggie.
35
Number 1, that receptionist should be fired. That’s no way to treat a customer. Number 2, a lot of us don’t fit comfortably in the categories “white” or “black.” Grandma’s one category, dad’s another, etc. What makes me furious is having our beautiful complexity sliced and diced by bigots into something deeply untrue, an artifact of our screwed up history, that race is anything more than a fiction invented by Europeans for the purpose of justifying abuse of and theft from everyone else.
123
Microaggressions are experienced by "anyone who thinks their in-group has been slighted by an out-group member".
Not just black people, or by extension, other minority groups.
SOURCE: https://psyarxiv.com/973v8/
Microaggressions are fallacious.
The author seems to also be describing "black rage". This was the defense the ultra-liberal lawyer William Kunstler wanted to proffer for the racist mass murderer Colin Ferguson (who said he was out to kill white people and although he was a Brooklyn native, chose to kill on a LIRR train in Nassau, so as to not offend Mayor David Dinkins, who was also black).
SOURCE: https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1994-06-06-9406060097-story.html
The Judge didn't allow the black rage defense because it was preposterous. Still is.
The idea that the authors black rage justifies incivility and feeds into violent fantasy is also preposterous.
She is suffering from being inculcated with victimology.
Learn to not be a victim and be assertive-not aggressive-LIKE MLK.
A prophet of peace and justice who raised a great army and whose walk & talk still are still felt today.
There is hope for Ms. Kaplan in that she feels King's effect. I strongly recommend she picks up a copy of "the Radical King", by Dr. Cornell West and be inspired to greatness, nothing less: http://www.beacon.org/The-Radical-King-P1049.aspx
27
Of course disrespect leads to disrespect. Racism isn't just a cause for suffering, it is plain stupid.
That being said, I wouldn't assert like the author that Malcolm X wouldn't have approved of it. He changed his mind about all white people (not just the idiots who firebombed his house etc.) after going on a pilgrimage to Mecca. Not before.
https://www.nytimes.com/1964/05/08/archives/malcolm-x-pleased-by-whites-attitude-on-trip-to-mecca.html
MLK was a man of peace from the start. Definitely not the same.
As a Jew, often encountering overt or covert antisemitism, I can identify with the author. I know how she feels seeing videos of Trump’s rallies. I feel the same way when I see radical left demonstrations on campus comparing Israel to Nazi Germany and spewing hatred against the “Rothschilds”.
17
Not saying this employee was not racist. Maybe so. But seems like best thing when treated rudely is 1) go somewhere else 2) contact owner and tell them why you went somewhere else .... money talks, the rest walks
20
I find it brave for the author to share her brutal and honest perspective. However, I fear that there is likely no avoiding or evolving past the inevitability that racially diverse societies are unhappy and problematic ones:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2013/05/16/a-revealing-map-of-the-worlds-most-and-least-ethnically-diverse-countries/
4
I certainly appreciate the honesty of this piece. It's brave.
We have become a much ruder society overall, largely because of Trump whose governing strategy is based on stoking hatred and resentment. I also think Fox news and social media (on both ends of the political spectrum) get a healthy assist.
I hope Ms. Kaplan is able to channel some of her understandable anger into getting rid of the Hater in the White House. It is not a panacea by any means, but an achievable first step in treating all people, particularly those who have been historically denigrated with dignity and respect.
14
This makes me so sad. This is why hatred is so evil. It grows exponentially like a virus. The only reasonable way I can imagine it will end is when we are all interracial and indistinguishable from one another. As long as we can identify each other from blocks away and be reminded instantly of the injustices, brutality, blame, and demonization we have experienced at each others hands, we will never be free of this conflict.
7
Every now and then I ponder the question; what if white Americans had been subjected to slavery, discrimination, unreasonable hatred, second class status. I don't think we white people would have reacted as patiently and gently as black Americans have towards their actually going through that misery. Maybe we would have had no choice but to try harder, as black folk have had to do just not to be shot in the street.
My spiritual training tells me that I have no control over what happens out in the world, or what other people do. What I do have control over is my response. We could all try a little harder to do what Jesus did by forgiving those who were murdering him.
2
For a long time, I’ve believed that if our republic is doomed to destruction, it will be a result of guns and racism. Given the events over the past 3 years, we may be on our way.
4
" In this Trump age of gross unreason, "
Did it occur to you that your the only rude person in the office? Yes, you may be of color, but surely there something else the others in the office do not match, like your shoes.
The order to go sit down, is unusual, but standing in the receptionists face filling out your form while no one else can receive the recpetionist's attention is rude, selfish, antisocial.
What made you blame her demand on racism, instead of your rudeness? Is racism your first go-to reaction to adversity?
30
You need to find a black vet, black doctor, black personal trainer, preacher, lawn care person, car repairer, dentist, and psychologist.
15
I understand your anger but your response is self defeating because it only serves to feed the stereotype of “black racism” as something real. I understand your sense of despair despite being white because as a person of Jewish background I have received similar reactions from Christians who want to be sure that I know that hellfire will be my ultimate fate at the hands of their loving savior. We have to rise above this because as you implied in your article we are the only ones who can. We, especially African Americans, have accomplished much in this regard already but yes there is still much to do and the way forward will still be difficult. America’s past record in race relations is terrible but we will be the ones to create the future.
7
As a nurse working in a service profession, it is my job every day to be accommodating to my patients . With that being said , it is also my job to deal with racist nurses immediately. The receptionist was a racist and Erin you were much nicer than I would have been in your situation. I would have ask to see her boss . I am a human being who happens to be white .
13
I needed this. I, too, know this feeling well. I’m convinced that white people now feel emboldened to publicly mistreat black people. And I am convinced the white receptionist intended her rudeness to cut like a knife. Kaplan was right to respond the way she did. But she was wrong to apologize. Don’t stand down. I stand up to rude behavior especially after witnessing the same person treat a white individual with good cheer. I usually call out the behavior: “You can greet the previous customer with ‘good morning’ but I only warrant silence?”
Go sit down? I do think so.
72
Sometimes bad customer service is just bad customer service. Get over yourself!
43
I have no idea exactly how this situation went down, but given Ms. Kaplan's reflections, I am inclined to believe her interpretation of events and agree with her actions.
If one strips away the racial subtext, however, and views her experience purely as an unfortunate interaction with a snotty youngster, I think Ms. Kaplan also reacted in a perfectly reasonable manner. In fact, regardless of whether racism was a factor or not, I think Ms. Kaplan should have given the vet an earful about the rude reception she received from the receptionist. If one experiences bad customer service, talk to the owner about it. If the owner doesn't seem to care, that shows the problem is more than a kid with a snotty attitude.
15
As a white person who has listened while wincing to other white people talking about black people, I would read Ms. Kaplan's encounter as a case of the white receptionist automatically wanting to put Ms. Kaplan "in her place" and, when Ms. Kaplan naturally got upset, responding by bringing up to herself the stereotype that black people are "overemotional" and "difficult", which is part of why they supposedly need to be kept in their place to begin with. Of course the receptionist wasn't going to accept Ms. Kaplan's apology, which would have implied that they were both in some sense equal, when the receptionist "knew" that they weren't, and when her provocation of Ms. Kaplan was a heads I win/tails you lose assertion of superiority where there was no response by Ms. Kaplan that could have avoided supposedly validating the receptionist's prejudices.
12
Ms. Kaplan, I'm as bothered by those Trump rallies as you are and don't like being told to have a seat either, but please stop seeing everyone as a type and stop thinking everyone is reacting only to your color. People are individuals; they don't all think alike and their behavior may have nothing to do with you. I agree that Trump has demeaned us all, but giving in to that instinct is playing his game. Don't do it! Resist!
22
"Going off on a white person because she deserves it or because you can" are two very different situations. The former is warranted, the latter, not.
But perhaps just ignoring the perpetrating but standing your ground and refusing to sit is the middle way, which would make the point but not make you feel like you're falling into the trap of"trumping out" on the person.
I think a large percentage of Americans feel the way you do, not all for racial reasons, but certainly for being treated badly by their "government" and 'leaders".
4
Bravo Erin Audrey Kaplan for the honest article. We lost touch with our humanity and are growing suspicious of each other. Micro aggressions are becoming macro aggressions.
This article is a reminder that we are fallible and at the moment, we are played by politicians that try to fan our greatest fears and pit us against each other.
We can not let it happen to ourselves.
5
I'm not sure what Ms. Kaplan's anger had to do with the rude receptionist, but I'm wondering about this anger coming out since 2016 may have to do with what seems to be an increase in crime in Oakland where we moved 11 years ago. Anecdotally most of the crime - robberies, muggings, car break-ins and jackings - is committed by black and brown people and it certainly is on the upswing. Too much contrast been well off and not so well off, or not well off at all, but some of it may be due to anger in the era of #NotMyPresident (whose name I do not write). I know my own family is angry.....
7
I'm an old white male and my gut reaction is you didn't owe that young woman an apology one bit. Not that you thought it 'owed', maybe your inate courtesy kicked in, I don't know. But rude is rude and not to be tolerated. My mother once told me that old age is a series of losses, which I now find to be mostly true, but it does give a wonderful dose of freedom on thought and speech. What do I have to lose? Perhaps there is a similar liberation going on for people with a bit more skin pigment than 'white' people - all this angst about the amount of ancient humanoid adaption to equatorial sun strikes me as colossally stupid - and after four centuries of unrelenting racism, pigment should be able to say whatever it wants to white folk. My one wonder of 'black' people in this country is that they have shouldered this horror without burning the place down.
28
Thank you Mr. Eubank!
5
After 9/11 and as a tax paying resident of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I started to notice indiscreet microaggession: taxi cabs, waiters, on the T, the police and so on. I was reading Gunnar Mydals book on racism in America at the time. Based on Mydals thesis, I divined that it was not going to get better and moved to Stockholm. How right I was. I'm no longer astonished or dismayed by the accounts of blatant racism and prejudice that I read about these days, all the way from the top driven by 44's successor. America is doomed.
9
I think the receptionist was rude to you.
You were giving the vet your business. the receptionist should be providing good customer service to everyone who brings their service there.
I suggest you make a complaint about the lousy customer service.
17
Ms. Kaplan's article made me sad. Unfortunately, she is absolutely on target and perfectly justified in her anger. I am a white male, 75 years old. In the 1970s, I worked actively with an interracial community organization in Brooklyn. In the 1990s, I helped develop, taught, and ultimately chaired a Multicultural and Ethnic Studies program at the college where I was a faculty member. I recall being elated at Obama's victory in 2008 (even if I became disappointed with his policies). And now I read this article and conclude that all that has been accomplished in the last 50 years of combating the demon of institutional racism was to shove it into a closet until the thug in the White House could open it up and let it out. It is hard to be hopeful in these times.
34
Trump sets a bad example for everyone. So, yes, it's quite likely that more people are losing it for no reason, or just being plain rude. Here's how I've dealt with such feelings: I constantly remind myself to give others the benefit of the doubt; maybe they really are having a bad day. And I ask myself, "Am I going to ease this other person's burden, or am I going to add to it?" All I can tell you is that doing so has made it much easier to deal with the problematic people one encounters in life.
10
Hi Erin. You may be correct in judging the receptionist’s attitude to be race oriented. However, as another invisible white middle aged female, I can attest to being ignored in many daily interactions as well as very significant ones. That’s not my point today though. I know from experience that it’s almost impossible to hire administrative and support staff at doctor’s offices, vets, etc because they are first not paid enough to garner qualified and poised adults without a myriad of socio-mental disabilities that, if violated in the job selection, can cause lawsuits against the hiring parties. Thus I can’t reprimand an employee for substandard performance for fear of this being perceived as another of your generations (white black or otherwise) microaggressions. So this new let’s take offense to how my voice isn’t heard or my needs aren’t being met) has resulted in a highly inadequate untrained group of young employees whose standards of performance would never have met those of just 30 years ago. So much for your generation. In trying to guarantee fairness to all individuals, we have truly dumbed down much of our workforce. I am being pragmatic, not racist, ageist, sexist, whatever. This has been my experience.
11
@ScaredyCat If the job you're trying to fill doesn't pay enough to get the people you think it deserves, you can up the pay. Has it occurred to you that maybe people put less effort into a job when it doesn't pay well?
8
GO, GIRL, GO! ...and that’s coming from an old white guy ( The worst demographic group in the world). Trump has given license to all the racists and bigots in the world to come out of the closest and spew their hate and venom, but remember there are always options, theres a time to fight, a time to retreat, a time to stand your ground, a time to ignore, and a time to laugh it off. But always remember this! Handle yourself well, so when the dust settles and emotions subside you can always say with pride, “At least I handled myself well.”
7
I am tired of racism from everybody. Everybody.
11
Embrace Malcolm if you’d like, but I’ll tell you this: after some NOI fool called my wife a “blue eyed white devil” and threw Hi-C through her car window, I’ve cared a lot less about affirmative action...
20
First of all what's up with mouthy wordy trifling 'people of color' euphemism?
All human beings including those with albinism are 'people of color'.
The one and only DNA biological DNA evolutionary fit human race species began in Africa 300,000 years ago.
What we call race aka color is an evolutionary fit pigmented response to varying levels of solar radiation at differing altitudes and latitudes primarily related to producing Vitamin D and protecting genes from damaging mutations in ecologically isolated human populations over space and time.
What we call race aka ethnicity and national origin is an evil malign educational demographic political socioeconomic and historical white European American Judeo-Christian scheme to legally and morally enslave and make separate and unequal any American with one-drop aka 1/32nd of black African American 'blood' ancestry regardless of their color.
While race is not real, racism is an enduring American reality.
Going from being Negro to Colored to Black to African American to People of Color did not and could not save us from being called and treated like the N..word.
See 'The Race Myth: Why We Pretend that Race Exists in America' Joseph L. Graves; 'Watson Decoded' American Masters
Second of all you don't 'look' like your name.
Third of all it must be mighty nice to worry about something other than a child with an ear infection.
6
it's true. and I don't know how to help.
says this white guy
7
Ms Kaplan, your visceral response to what is happening is human yes. You dont need me to tell you that but my acknowledgement is not without value. But... the easy choice of lumping whites as monolithic is the option that makes us all lose. It is not a special request or special responsibility of yours to overcome the worst options of human response to what you and others, people of color but in related ways women and muslims and jews and GBLTQs are experiencing. But as they say, an eye for an eye leaves the world blind. You and I need to be the future of the human race, not its bigoted past. And it is a passing past! Hitler would have fit right in a few hundred years ago and would have just been a demagogue and not thought of as big of a monster of the magnitude he is. And while yes there are still little Hitlers and even a full grown Mussolini in the White House it is passing. Little by little. But only as long as you and I live up to the future of a raceless human race.
Let's keep calling it out like you are. Dont be reticent about it but do be fair. And above all we need to be brothers and sisters, not awkward associates who share a preference for abolition of bigotry.
3
I'm an older white person, the son of European immigrants who had NO tolerance for 'the N-word' or disrespect for any others.
I think I totally get what the author is saying. Because I have also experienced the fact that, no matter how much anger there is out in the world - at Trump rallies, yes, but also all over the media as 'entertainment' - people will act shocked and offended if I - little old me - actually express anger.
I can only imagine how much worse this will tend to be for people of color. As Jamelle Bouie wrote a few days ago, open access to guns is all well and good for WHITES, but watch what happens when blacks arm themselves - suddenly that's terrifying. To whites.
It's like we're all supposed to be well behaved at all times even when we're being figuratively defecated on. Of course we're not having it any more!
The challenge I find is in controlling my anger so that it's *tactical* and doesn't simply perpetuate rounds of negative reactions. It really is a damn hard conundrum and this article is a fine discussion about the realities and difficulties of anger.
11
We can help each other. if you see bias in action say something, as gently and respectively as you can. I think it would have meant the world to Ms. Kaplan if a white person in the room had gently told the receptionist " You are treating this woman differently than your last client." To tell African-Americans that we are all in this together, and never say anything when you see them being treated differently is feel-good hypocrisy.
102
The excess of whitesplaining and criticism in the comments section indicates how deep the roots of racial division remain in America.
13
@John Bacher I think it’s much more complicated than that.
8
Remember Gandhi; remember Jesus. remember Mandela; remember King.
The tactic of matching the uncivil bile of Donald Trump and his legion of GOP lemmings gives racist Republicans the home-field advantage. Ordinary Americans can never win that battle.
I see basic human civility and respect much as I see voting. Although singular acts of decent engagement might not mean much (until they do), in aggregate they mean everything.
If nobody tries to uphold a standard of human comportment then the standard itself evaporates. That the president would fail to recognize civility if it walked up and kicked him in the shins is all the more reason for decent Americans to uphold their standards.
OK, I’m white. Who am I to say? Maybe nobody but I'm saying it anyway, I hope in a civil spirit -- the way I vote. One way or another and hopefully soon, Trump will exit the stage, but we shall all need to live intertwined lives for a very long time.
Let's make the most of this opportunity.
4
Great article. Can we come together over this? Any chance we might come up with an acronym for a nation-wide group of united black and white folks who despise and want to be rid of Trump and all he stands for? BWAT comes to mind, Blacks and Whites Against Trump. But it sounds like a child's mispronunciation of "brat". Maybe ARAT, All Races Against Trump? No offence intended against four-legged rats but he is, after all, a rat, eh? Count me in as a member if such a group emerges. I'm white but lived for 30 years in countries where white was the minority. So I know a little about what you are describing in this article---not a lot, but at least a little.
4
So honest and clearly expressed...BRAVO!
6
Consider that the thought creates the thinker rather than the other way around. Angry thoughts (more correctly frustration at not getting what one wants) produced no understanding as the writer acknowledges in the last paragraph. Adopting the angry tactics of the adversary proves unsatisfactory. "Arrows of hate have been aimed at me too, but they never hit me but because somehow they belonged to another world with which I have no connection whatsoever." A. Einstein.
2
To have the current state of America be the reward for centuries of painful, patient and ongoing struggle. It is hard for me to imagine, as a white man, the rage that must engender. This piece helped me understand a bit more. Thanks so much for that.
5
Racism is collectivist thinking at a primitive level—ignorance yielding injustice. Racist treatment should be confronted. But you are likewise afflicted with (a less pernicious) form of racist thinking if you have some level of hostility toward large numbers of your fellow citizens just because they are members of another race: “racism, emanating year after year from the top of the American political order, has made me more hostile toward white folks and whiteness than I’ve ever been in my life.” (I’m assuming you at least make individual judgments if & when someone shows herself to be a “good” white person).
It’s a minority of white people who are ignorant enough to believe their race makes them superior human beings or justifies better treatment, or who even see “whiteness” as a concept. White privilege? As real as racism, and a product of racism, but it does not make beneficiaries racists.
7
Our current administration has emboldened the ones with no manners and little thought to act out in ways not acceptable to those of us who don't act like fools....this lapse in civility and humanity MUST be addressed when it occurs......step to them, look into their eyes and EXPLAIN why you are even bothering to share their air...We can do better...we must. I continue to pray for the republic.
4
I’m white and I’ve been told to “go sit down” by a gruff receptionist. I’ve also been the difficult customer and have afterwards regretted being rude and I have been the person getting screamed at by some obnoxious member of the public and unable to say what I really think.
I tend to wonder what kind of day the receptionist had been having before you arrived. Dealing with the public all day long is stressful and unpleasant. Being yelled at by a customer/client who appears a little irrational , especially at a vet clinic where people might well be emotional about a sick or dying pet, is not an uncommon event and could make the whole building on edge about what else the angry person might do next. Better to say nothing at all to that angry person and silently hope she will just leave. She could hardly say anything else without causing trouble for herself, but I’m also sure she gossiped about you to all her friends and coworkers. Maybe she was racist, maybe she wasn’t. But you’re right that going off on a lowly receptionist didn’t help at all.
49
@Bookworm8571
First of all, 'lowly receptionist'?
That person is the first and last representative of the company you are dealing with. How they treat you is a direct reflection of and on the owners.
Even delivery men from a furniture company have that same responsibility for pride in their job.
When this happens to me, and sometimes it is a family member of the owner, I say that maybe the rude person behind the counter should work somewhere else.
Somewhere like not with the general public if it is too much to be civil and considerate all the time, especially when you don't feel like it.
By the way, that is my preferred definition of "PC"
15
@Bookworm8571 Can you really sure of that? There's a startling scene in the old movie 'In the Heat of the Night' where black policeman (Sidney Poitier) slaps an outrageously insulting white man on the face. The shocked man glances at the local police chief (Rod Steiger) and says "There was a time when he'd already be dead on the floor for that." Steiger shrugs and says, "Well, times change." Maybe they only change when the outrageously insulted bite back.
16
Deep thanks for this column. I’ve been plenty upset, dismayed and scared by the more abstract threats of the our country’s situation, but my circumstances as a white person in a blue, blue city shelter me from the daily, intimate affronts (both from the news and from personal encounters) mentioned here.
Now I’ll keep in mind that lots of people around me are getting the same inputs as I am but reacting at deeper levels, in different and even more intense ways than I am. St. Francis’ prayer comes to mind. Our feelings of anger, fear, guilt, and grief (not to mention all the emotional conturbations of the last four years) arise in us naturally and without blame.
Our challenge (my challenge) is to redirect my feelings to trigger empathy, respect and kind behavior, and to keep at this self-transformation unremittingly in encounters with the neighbors: the ones on the bus, on the street, in the gym, in the shops; the ones driving cars, bikes and scooters; and especially the ones just getting by.
2
I’m going to save myself the headache of reading the comments which will be undoubtedly filled with some, if not many, comments from likely white people — many with no real understanding of the power dynamics of racism, who don’t understand racism isn’t just the summation of unpleasant interactions that can simply be ignored, many who minimize the experiences of black people and other PoCs, many who never self-reflect on their own participation in America’s anti-blackness, many who believe reverse racism is real, many who have never and will never experience the larger brutalities and everyday manner racism chips at a person’s humanity — and thank you for the essay and insight. I, for, one wish that black people in this country, at the very least, would be free to express justified anger. I wish the country would make a significant attempt to correct its reprehensible racist history, rather than find new ways to manifest it. I thank you all the same for expressing yourself here, and teaching when you shouldn’t have to; re-teaching something we all ought to already know.
6
@MMB Power dynamics? A college professor at a prestigious university writes a column in the NY Times because she thinks a receptionist at a vet's office was insufficiently deferential to her. I think it's pretty obvious where the power dynamic is in this interaction.
20
The receptionist didn’t deserve an apology because, even if she’s color blind, she was still rude. All the same, in the spirit of give-peace-a-chance, I’m glad an apology was made.
2
And post a detailed one star Yelp review of your negative experience. Google review it too. I guarantee that woman at the desk will be fired within 24 hours.
2
This is unfortunate but true. If you're a white American, you've never been a minority in your own country, so you can't truly understand what Ms. Kaplan is saying here. So please just read and digest the comments of your fellow non-white Americans. And realize that, as time passes, more and more non-white Americans will agree with Ms. Kaplan's view. At some point in the not too distant future, white Americans may have the privilege of minority status, but we're not there yet.
2
I’m sorry but women are still a minority whatever color we are, and a receptionist does not have the money or clout of a professor, who can get published in the NYT, simply because cause she has a gripe with a receptionist!
14
I'm white, and I think you were dead right to be angry; dead right to express it; but wrong to apologize----it was the receptionist who should have apologized to you , abjectly. And then you could have decided whether to accept that or even acknowledge it. I think I would not have, not today, in this country.
Be mad, stay mad. You're in the right. Sadly, it's going to be a while, I think about 30 or so years, before things start to straighten out. That's a heavy burden for you, to carry that anger all your life. But people of my parents' generation and mine as well must all die out before we can start to put this behind us. That receptionist, if young, is a minority in her generation of whites. My children have grown up in a far more diverse environment, and are much more open to diversity, and much less racist---they have no memory of a society segregated by law, as I do from my childhood. The poison must die with the people infected. In 30 years, my oldest daughter will be 60, and she and her husband will be the older white voters, and they really will be better. And they will likely also be minority voters where they are likely to live. This will be the great thing, and the fulfillment of the Ideal that is America--or at least the only one worth having.
3
Love your essay! Scary! I haven't heard any of our politicians telling America, "If you are a citizen, have a Green Card, Political Asylum, or a Work Visa, you have a right to be here." This might help, but would not convince everybody that racism is waste of time, ruins lives, and distorts our humanity.
2
I could not begin to know what was in that receptionist's heart or mind. What I do know, however, is that I often find that some people in positions where they have a little bit of power or control over others exercise that power in ways that are slightly egomaniacal and sometimes just unpleasant and mean. They can be found in all kinds of places-- reception desks, customer service centers, security checkpoints, front desks, maitre'd podiums, etc. While they may be racist, their behavior also speaks to feeling small and powerless in their own lives.
I, too, have lost my cool with these kind of folks and, like you, wish I hadn't. Yes, this current political reality has us all acting in ways we wouldn't want to in a better time.
2
We all seem to be subject to various degrees of rudeness and venom these days, thanks at least in part to Trump, and had I been Ms. Kaplan in this situation, I would have been just as angry, and it would have been hard not to infer racial animus.
What to do? I never can come up with the right response at the moment, but how about this for a response if it ever happens again: Cough a loud, sustained, and juicy cough in the face of the offender, then say sorry and sit down. Yeah, petty, but so satisfying.
1
This is a beautiful and pain inducing piece. I hope Brett Stephens reads it. He doesn’t see the pain that Trump’s racism, bigotry, xenophobia, downright hatred has brought to the surface. He is white, male, comfortable, and states that life under Trump is no different than life under Obama. I feel that we have regressed many decades, and it makes my heart hurt.
5
You, know, ten years ago I might have been embarrassed and irritated with you for not engaging in respectibility politics (staying in line with white supremacy's demand's that you agree to be treated like garbage without complaining, for my fellow white people who haven't heard the term). I'm a white feminist in recovery now. These days, I'm so angry I'd have stepped out of my lane and demanded the woman redo her entire encounter with you. I'm so sorry you went through such a toxic experience, but even more sorry that no other white person stepped up to the plate. That's our responsibility.
8
The receptionist should be fired. She sounds odious. Such behaviour is unacceptable. Trump’s vitriol is affecting the country and giving the green light to the horrid alt right. I live in Toronto. Come up here. We love everyone.
3
@Jill Bridge A working person should lose their livelihood because they told someone filling out a form to sit down and that person perceived this to be condescending? This is actually what you're advocating? Is "no protection from arbitrary firing whatsoever" really a left wing position now?
13
What strength of character and forbearance you possess! I admire you greatly for having such restraint in the presence of unrestrained arrogance.
3
Put in any other word for white--except male--and tell me whether the NYTimes would print this.
14
She ignored you ALSO because you were black AND female. She never would have said that if you were a black man.
1
I worked in hospital and clinics for 40 years.
Somedays I was just overexposed to people.
I had set lines and responses to patient complaints of body failings..
Maybe the poor receptionist who may be poor in several ways
needs a long weekend, to readjust.
Maybe the poor receptionist needs a job change after 10 years as the receptionist.
Maybe the poor woman needs to grow up. Work is and remains a four letterword for many folk.
Obviously I am white and entitled but maybe the poor receptionist does not realize that she too is entitled.
4
I don't equate Malcolm with Martin
3
I'm white, but I'm also female, and I am constantly stunned at the effort some of my female friends and co-workers go to to find evidence of "sexist" behavior, to interpret everything in the worst possible way and to ascribe the worst possible motives anytime they perceive the tiniest slight.
More than once, I've been in the same meeting they have, or participated in the same conversation they have, and afterward they start complaining about something one of the males said or did and how insulting it was and how outraged they were. Problem is, they are usually interpreting it a way that has no connection to what actually occurred. I always walk away from these incidents thinking it must be an exhausting way to live, putting every interaction under the microscope and looking for anything that could possibly be interepreted as sexist.
It sounds a lot to me like the same dynamic is at work here. I work in a job where I have a lot of public contact, and although I try to be nice to everyone, I certainly don't speak in exactly the same tone of voice to each and every person, or exhibit precisely the same level of openness and chattiness.
It's got nothing to do with bias or racism, just the absolutely normal and perfectly okay tendency of humans to react differently to different people and the very different energy they put out.
22
Like the author, I too feel increasingly impatient with the dynamic where I am expected to be the adult in the room – remain polite when others are being rude, childish, incompetent, or bigoted in some way. It is especially enraging when there is a power differential, most often caused because I need the other party more than they need me. In this case, the author needed urgent care for her beloved pet more than the vet clinic needed another client. Those who care more will always have less power than those who don’t.
The larger issue, for me, is my tendency to victim-blame myself in these situations, to spend time wondering what caused the other person to behave as they did. Increasingly, I see this as a waste of time, and remind myself that the people I want to keep in my life are those who are willing to work with me, not against me. I am learning to extend compassion to myself first, and then to others as appropriate.
It takes more effort to find people who are willing to be responsible adults, but when I do, I try to let them know just how much I appreciate them, and put my cooperative efforts into maintaining those relationships. I can’t make others respect me, but I can refuse to be disrespected.
3
Yes, it is so tempting to give free rein to the id these days. As an older woman, now retired, I confronted workplace discrimination and sexism for many years and certainly felt anger often.
Today I make a conscious decision to be positive, to compliment people when it is appropriate, to show gratitude for even the smallest gesture. This approach began in October 2017 in the Toronto Airport. While my friend and I arrived intact from London, our luggage did not. We filed the requisite Lost Luggage form and were asked to call the next day to confirm delivery address. The gentlemen with whom I spoke sounded weary, probably from listening to angry travelers. When he apologized for the inconvenience, I responded that, given the serious problems in the world, this was really an insignificant event in my life. "I wish more people had your attitude," he said. And so was born my effort to focus on the positive whenever I can. Besides, it is good for my blood pressure!
100
@Clare Feeley
Good for you.
When I have to call a vendor or service supplier to complain about something and get it fixed, I tend to get very loud. But then I always say "I'm sorry. I don't mean to yell at you because I know it's not your fault." It's amazing how very helpful these customer service reps end up being as a result. And it calms me down.
13
Given your confession of your own racism ("[I'm] more hostile toward white folks and whiteness than I’ve ever been in my life.") I wonder if you didn't approach that young receptionist in an already confrontational, even borderline belligerent way. We all have our better and worse moments. It sounds like you've not only been having some lapses, you've been relishing them.
62
If you had to deal with the degradation so many people of color have to confront every day, you probably would have these kind of lapses also. Put yourself in her shoes. This is from a 67 year old white woman.
8
You know, that unpleasant receptionist does have a boss, who really needs your money. Telling her off IS a waste of time. Explaining to Dr DMV why you are no longer interested in helping them pay off their student loans, on the other hand, could be quite effective. BTW, there is race & there is class. A professor at Antioch University has a lot more influence at the vet's than the receptionist does. You could walk all over her if you care to take up that battle. Ask yourself this before you suit up: is it worth it? What will it accomplish to see her reprimanded, intimidated or fired? If you still think it's worth the effort, than go ahead, but, you may want to find a bigger target for your energies.
24
Somehow, my politely critical comments have not been published, while gushing sympathy has. I’ll try again: The fact is how the outside world treats a person a lot to do with that person’s attitude. If you are angry in your heart and have a “go ahead. Make my day.” attitude toward random white people you encounter, you will be treated less warmly. It won’t be your race that’s the issue, though, but the chip on your shoulder.
Hostility towards a race of people is wrong, period.
78
You’ve informed Donald Trump of this, I take it.
5
Erin Kaplan, re your American Id, "bad mornings for 3 years?" You ain't seen nothing yet! (ht Al Jolson, 'The Jazz Singer',1919) Lorda mercy, if Trump isn't removed from office soon we'll all have maga maga maga bad days up the American ying yang!
7
"I feel — again — that Malcolm X was right, black people are wasting their time trying to win over white people when they so clearly have no interest in being won over."
Ms. Kaplan is right. I'm a person of color (Middle Eastern ancestry). I'm in my 60's. I lived through the Civil Rights era, and believe until 2016 that progress had been made. Oh, not as much as most whites believed, but I did think that our society could, one day, have a place for all of us, regardless of ethnic background or skin color.
All that changed in 2016. Not a month goes by now that a total stranger doesn't yell a slur at me or my family - "go back to where you came from." Before 2016 I could count on one hand the number of times I heard slurs like this. I was born in Chicago. But none of this matters to these whites. Ms. Kaplan should not regret what she said to the white receptionist. Trump has told whites that they are the only "real" Americans, and many more people have absorbed this message than we'd like to think.
The 2016 election taught me that there were more racist whites than I'd wanted to believe. Trump's election proved that they are the ultimate identity voters. A majority of whites voted for Trump - even white women did. Get your head around this one fact - for a moment. It will be a long time before people of color will ever be equals in this country.
And decades of progress have been destroyed in three short years. This truth may be painful, but it is very much the truth.
63
Please don't blame any and all human faults--yours or other people's on Don Trump. There are way too many columns in the Times on Don Trump. But a monist theory of life and history where everything bad is at least connected to if not caused by Don Trump is pretty inaccurate. Stronger words could be used. Goofy. Ridiculous. Social media run amok.
11
So I'm white. But why apologize? I think you're right that Malcolm would not have approved, but times have changed ... maybe, sorta kinda.
2
@clyde
They have changed, and Hakeem Jeffries proved it beyond a doubt.
2
Me Kaplan,
The receptionist was a jerk. You were too nice to her.
And this old white woman gets your anger.
The other day, walking on the sidewalk, I contemplated the possibility of ending my life-long habit (and I’m guessing almost all women do this) of being the one who ‘gets out of the way’ when confronting another walker.
Instead of demurring, I could summon a presence, bristle and step with confidence, and continue walking foreword as I have seen so many men do for a lifetime.
I expect the results would not be pretty.
I, too, am short of patience these days.
31
You are right, I think about this all the time! Especially somehow in grocery stores, where clueless men always seem to position themselves mid-aisle, in such a way that no one can get by them , going either way.
But outside, on sidewalks, I am too often the smaller person and would emerge the worse from an encounter...so I give way.
One of the worst evils of Trump’s era is that too many (white) people have felt entitled to vent their prejudices. It is making the whole world more violent — for everybody, including themselves! It is my fervent hope that once he is gone (the sooner the better) we can reverse this dangerous development— for all our sakes.
P. S. I am white.
7
@Chickpea " I contemplated the possibility of ending my life-long habit (and I’m guessing almost all women do this)". Interesting comment, thanks. I worked for years on a college campus, where I quickly discovered that freshmen were polite, and would walk in a line as needed, sharing the sidewalk with others; from sophomore year on, however, they shifted to walking three abreast and chatting, ignoring oncoming people -- particularly older women. I tried continuing forward a few times (taking up a small bit of sidewalk) and had young people (men and women) simply plow into me. It's a power dynamic, I suppose; I'm a small woman and was ancient in their eyes, so invisible. Always wondered why no one has researched this.
6
Ms Kaplan has a right to her anger if she correctly believes and has proof that this receptionist is a racist.
But to assume that all white people are racists and that she is entitled to express anger and rage because other raging white people in the age of t rump do this is specious reasoning.
Two wrongs don’t make it right.
The amount of anger on our streets and our lack of civility has become epidemic but our in civility has also become an excuse some enraged people of all races and ethnic groups seem to want to use to justify inappropriate or aggressive behavior that harms the fabric of society. Who believes that acting like the current occupant is acceptable or even admirable behavior? I believe those who seek to express long held rage have found an excuse for doing so by blaming the worst of white America— branding the whole instead of the few who deserve their enmity. When that rage and blame becomes a knee jerk reaction as it apparently has for Ms Kaplan, we come closer to a civil war. Dialogue and ability to see people as individuals with complexities vs stereotypes can help prevent faulty assumptions that lump all suspicious groups into undeserving categorical labeling which is what racists do.
Ms Kaplan’s reasoning is sadly another reason hate and bigotry have become more visible. “ If you can’t beat em, join em” isn’t going to make racism go away.
16
I think relating your interaction with a receptionist to the presidency of Donald Trump is a narcisstic and self-indulgent stretch, with a capital S, If a white person saw everything like you in terms of black and "whiteness", it would be considered prejudiced and maybe racist, and so it is the same for you.
Rather, I look at the reality of the economy today, and I see that more blacks and minorities are doing better and have more economic options than ever before. And I think a surprising number of African-Americans will vote for President Trump this election. Please try to be Kind and not ruled by hate.
24
Powerful, insightful article.
6
Ms Kaplan,
I'm a middle aged, gay, white man, but I empathized with every single word of your op-ed. You powerfully articulate the attraction of an id-fueled (and righteous) expression of hate for the attendees of Trump's Nuremberg rallies: if these racist, homophobic, misogynists can dish it out, let's see them take it! But then you beautifully outline the reasons against succumbing to this attractive primal scream. It's this kind of intelligence and decency which puts the lie to all the media 'both-sides-ism' which can be as maddening as the sights and sounds of a Trump hate fest. The crazy way things are going, we might have four more years of that miasma in the White House and the GOP, but what keeps me going in the face of that awful future is the intelligence and decency of people like you, your colleagues at the Times and other media, and statesmen like Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi, Jerry Nadler et al. At a time of moral rot, there are voices of decency and light crying out in the wilderness and you help the rest of us survive. Keep fighting that good fight!
26
"As usual, I was the only black person there. As I completed the forms, the receptionist — a young white woman — turned to me and said, pointing a finger, “Go sit down.” Her voice was flat, with none of the cheer or empathy she’d just shown a white pet owner.
Say what? Instantly, I was indignant. “I’m sorry? Sit down?”
She didn’t respond, which made me more indignant — oh, now she was ignoring me? “Why should I sit down? Am I bothering you? Is there a problem?” My voice was louder than it needed to be, and scornful. I wasn’t having it. I was not going to sit down.
Over the top? Maybe. But the new, alarming truth is that I didn’t care. At all.
I suppose this was inevitable in the age of Donald Trump."
Wow! "a flat voice". How horrible! And it's *obviously* due to Trump's presidency. Thoughts and prayers.
Or, alternatively, "Lighten up, Francine!"
23
Apologize for her rudeness? I wish you had complained to the Vet about her rudeness. If anyone was owed an apology it was you. You came in with a sick pet and should have been given empathy not sass. Speak up and speak loudly.
8
I guarantee the Receptionist went home and told all her friends about “ the angry black woman “. NOT in those words, either.
Trump gives them PERMISSION to fly a Racist Flag, and many, many of his Fans are wallowing in the joy of the act.
Seriously.
7
I am white and I am angry for Ms. Kaplan. Who tells an adult woman to sit down as if they were a child, as if they were the dog that they brought in? We need to interact with one another, mindful of our history. I don’t care if the receptionist’s speech was intentionally or unintentionally racist. Speaking that way to any adult, especially to black adults given our history of racist behavior is not acceptable.
13
You needn't (nor shouldn't) have apologized to that nasty clerk.
(Sadly, never apologizing is a Trumpism that I now embrace - hopefully the only one).
2
So you and the receptionist deserve each other but that has absolutely nothing to do with skin color, politics, or Trump.
27
Thank you for this article. For me, a middle-aged Jew who tries hard every day to remain open and well-intended toward everyone I meet, what you describe is one of the worst things our President has unleashed on this country.
As you point out, this increased hostility and aggression in your responses isn’t serving your soul particularly well. But also, nasty people like this clerk are newly emboldened to spew and scorn and why should you put up with that?
I am very, very sad.
13
I am so tired of white women being allowed to be angry at staff, the prototypical "Karen wants to speak to the manager", but if a woman of color does it, people think she's a threat and potentially call the police.
People of color have a right to be angry just as much as white people do, and don't deserve a violent response for not just "sitting down".
9
Who is dragging this woman for anger? She is the one writing the piece and having her point of view advanced by the newspaper of record.
The women who are “white”, have been informed they are no longer to complain to anyone, lest they be deemed permit Patty or some other Internet nonsense.
I suppose this means that receptionists and service people who are “white” must cater to racial prejudice lest they be the new Internet pariahs.
2
What you experienced at the veterinary practise is unforgivable. The receptionist was rude and graceless. I hope your poor dog is feeling better and that the vet who treated her was better mannered and empathic towards you.
5
@Fiona Bentley , “rude and graceless” does not belong in the same sentence as “unforgivable”. Proportion matters.
4
Lost me with the first sentence.
23
Sad to say.This article does not surprise me.
2
Too easy, sister. You could have done your part in the conversation to clear things up. Social Media speed is turning us ALL into nasty folks.
7
Previously-closeted racist white people have become extremely vocal about feelings they wouldn't have expressed before Trump was elected. In a way it's 'Trump truth serum'. It's harsh, nasty and sad. As an elderly white woman, I am profoundly embarrassed by it and regret that you have to deal with it. I can't change the past, but I hope to impact the future so that you don't have to write more columns like this one.
7
Here's to "I'm fed up and I'm not going to take it any more." I applaud your responding to aggression with your own, as long as you don't physically harm anyone. I'm a white guy and I am so sick of the racism, misogyny, hatred and cruelty that is the mantra of Trump, the Republicans and his followers. I recently was pulling into a small shopping mall and there was an old guy waving a Trump hat at those driving by. I was at a red light watching this guy and the occasional honk and waving in support he was receiving. When the light turned green and I proceeded to drive by him, I gave him the finger. It felt so good and these people need to know how their leader is dividing and destroying this country. "When they go low, we go high," sounds so good, but it feels so bad and it doesn't work.
5
Well, I hope your anger makes you feel better. It's a lot to carry -- I hope it is worth it to you.
11
I would absolutely hate to be treated as you were treated in that veterinarian office, Ms. Kaplan. Absolutely hate it. It's so wrong for anyone to be treated this way.
3
Definitely. Disobedience to icy receptionists and the like is a demand; such people must be challenged to come up with alternatives to the stupid rules to which they feel allegiance.
1
Sounds like the little sweetie in the vet clinic needs to find a different job if that's the extent of her people skills.
5
The fire next time.
1
As a white male, I can't claim to have any idea of what Ms. Kaplan experiences on a continual basis. However, I do share her sense of revulsion and exasperation when viewing scenes from asinine Trump rallies. Those events indicate a serious mental problem which needs addressing.
3
Just so you know, Trump wants you to act that way.
6
Ms.Kaplan - The receptionist should have apologized to you. You could maybe have been more discreet, or witty, or less upset, but your distress and anger were justified. OTOH, she was racist, or at the very least, inexcusably tone deaf to her racist oinking. There is no valid excuse for racism, nor, once pointed out, is there any for sounding racist. She owes you an apology.
2
Odd to blame Trump for a finally realizing moment. Now take the chip off your shoulder and breath. Life is good.
14
This may be the time time when a thick skin will be necessary to function in society. Not every black person has an underlying urge to haul-off at a white person. Maybe Kaplan has a few anger issues.
15
Well, Ms. Kaplan, all I can say is, who could blame you?
2
May you have better luck with your dog's next veterinarian.
6
Research by the academics David Rozado and Zach Goldberg shows that what liberal journalist Matthew Yglesias calls "The Great Awokening" of hatred of publicly-expressed straight white males on the left preceded Donald Trump's run for president by 2 to 3 years.
It makes more sense to blame Trump on all the anti-white Hate Hoaxes, such as Rolling Stone's absurd but initially celebrated "A Rape on Campus" tall tale in 2014, promoted by the prestige press during the latter half of the Obama Era, from roughly the George Zimmerman "white Hispanic" fiasco in 2012 and Ferguson in 2014.
3
Nicely expressed, and well concluded. The apology was a step in the right direction. But next time, before you need to apologize, how about trying something like this: "You just pointed a finger at me and said 'go sit down' in an aggressive tone of voice. Is something wrong?" See how she responds. If rudely, quietly mention it to the manager or the vet. You will leave with her apology or a sense that you have prevailed. Better, no?
3
Don’t feel bad. I’m an old white guy, and I am so tired of angry, aggressive white people. I’m irritated by the “I don’t have to be polite crowd”, and the impatience with “political correctness.” I’m really tired of white people acting like they are oppressed. It’s a weird combination of narcissism and cluelessness. I’m exposed to it all the time, since I’m an older white guy...people just assume I’m part of the oppressed FOX crowd. Whatever happened to manners and being kind? Love one another? That’s for commie-pinko losers.
8
You're writing in the New York Times and she is a receptionist in a Vet's office. Give yourself more credit.
13
@David
No, a receptionist's position in life does not give her license to treat others poorly, nor does a writer for the NYT deserve to be treated better than anyone else.
2
The receptionist anecdote is a good example of how confirmation bias works - you saw what your preconceptions about race predetermined you would see and would have seen regardless of what she had said or done. The deeper issue, however, is the way that Trump has Trumpified his critics - they meet his hyperbole with hyperbole, his dishonesty with dishonesty, his race-baiting with race-baiting, his bombast with bombast, and so on. They ape the qualities about him they denounce. Even as they criticize Trump they are vindicating Trumpism. My view is that this will fail, that you can't out-Trump Trump, that he will always be able to throw more mud at you than you can throw at him. The essay alludes to a different possibility, that you don't have to play the Trump game, that instead of meeting fire with fire, you can meet it with water, with scrupulous honesty, humility, and fairness. Sadly, the 24-hour news cycle and social media make that nearly impossible - to get advertiser dollars everything is always hyped to the nth degree. We live in Trumpian world so it shouldn't be surprising that he's successful in that world and if I were a betting man, I'd say his reelection is a pretty good bet.
10
Erin, please send a letter/email to the owners/managers of the veterinary practice, relating your experience (with date and time). No business should tolerate rudeness by employees towards customers.
And approaching the receptionist directly, at the time, with eye contact and a calm but clear tone, telling her that her words and tone were unacceptable and that you were telling her bosses, THAT is acceptable aggression.
7
Thank you, great essay. I'm a white male and I'm also frustrated, and angry, about Republican America's unrestrained disdain not just for people of color but for so-called urban elitists like me. Trump's rallies are shameful and frightening, but we are urged to understand how his supporters have been left behind while they insult and belittle people for embracing tolerance, education and fairness. I fear any reconciliation is hopeless and it's time for the majority to take our country back from the people Trumps has unleashed.
7
Thank you for giving me a bit more perspective on my own white privilege. As an old white man I can never “feel” your pain, but please know that this new outbreak of Trump inspired racism has many white people just as angry - what would you like us to do about it?
4
It's only natural to become angry at the behaviour of ignorant boors, but the world being so full of ignorant boors it's a futile proposition trying to set them all straight in person. If the writer is truly struggling with how to respond in the moment when casually offended she might consider offering an enigmatic smile to her would be oppressor meanwhile happily regarding herself as the clear winner, character and identity wise, in the game of life.
3
In 1975 I took a job in an inner city, 98% black school. I wanted to make a positive difference for a group that I believed had been held back and disadvantaged unfairly, In the first group meeting the principle told me, in front of all, that they did not need any white, honky cracker telling them what to do with their students. I had never before even met him.
I told him he needs to get to know his psychologist. This actually happened, and the staff was real slow to build working relationships with me.
He moved up the administrative chain, fast and successfully. That was the 70's. I went back to graduate school.
The racism you describe is there - on both sides.
When I encounter a black person in the course of my day, I greet them with more of a smile and warmth than I do on average. If they appear to have pre-judged the interaction, I move on quickly. Let those who are a positive force, of any race, prosper. All others - you reap what you sow.
Someone said: When they go low, we go high. Not sure of her view on race, but I bet she and I see things similarly.
8
The author should have simply reported the incident to the veterinarian, both verbally and in a followup letter. That would have been the most effective way to handle a rude and disrespectful employee.
7
The behavior of the receptionist in your experience was abhorrent. I don’t care what color a person is or how much money they have (though I am decidedly proletariat), that kind of disrespect is a manifestation of the worst in us. Perhaps, the best action might have been to inform the veterinarian of what had transpired. Tell the boss and the subordinate might get the message.
4
Jerks are ubiquitous.
My luthier is one such; he has a hot, uncontrollable temper. No patience, zero, with anyone or anything. We can get into a fight over the time of day. Thus, I can't be around him anymore than absolutely necessary.
But it's not because he's white. He's frustrated with life; it's painful for him to deal with others, a disposition that we all have, I think, to some degree. Even Jesus Christ was given to name-calling, not without cause.
I feel your feelings: Most of my enemies are the same color as me, because, of course, I'm around them constantly. Even the family is often irritating. Yours, too, no?
Nonetheless, please don't, for your own mental health, let yourself fall into the wickedly joyous world of prejudice: You'll miss out on the good people in that race, and there's lots of them -- when they're in a good mood anyway.
Good, interesting, honest column. Thanks!
Best.
(Don't worry about me: I won't have to visit my luthier for months -- when one of my guitars needs some professional attention. Unfortunately, he's the only such resource in my small town. Sigh.)
4
Good essay! I sympathise!
I console myself by remembering that the majority of Americans in almost every poll really dislike Donald Trump and his politics. And that his rallies are attended only by the hard core believers. Not everyone who voted for Trump is as awful and ignorant as those that attend Trump rallies.
The rest of us have to be the grown-ups in the room. It's completely unfair but thats just the way it is. The rest of us have to confirm, define and re-define what "American values" are. And, in fact, we have the Constitution and Declaration of Independence on our side.
I think we will win. But its not a given.
3
I have been angrier in the last 3 years than in any period of my life. I loathe Trump, his minions, sycophants, and fans more than anyone I've ever come across. Mostly, I hate what they are all doing to this country.
That said, I recognize that I, as a senior white gal, can never really understand the experience of a person of color. As a woman I do experience bias and sexism, but I will never experience what a friend once called "the thousand little daily insults" that a woman of color does day in and day out.
My only hope is that you can see/know/believe that we are not all Trump. Yes, we are clueless far too often. Yes, we have white privilege, are sometimes insensitive, and were raised with a distorted view of our own place in the world (no matter how 'open minded' our family might have been). At least we see it, are trying to understand, and even trying to change. I know that that is far too little. I am sorry, but it is what I have to offer.
10
Amen Erin. As my husband says, we are the perfect couple to hate. He is Mexican and I am Jewish. If there was ever a time to speak up it is now. So thank you for sharing your moment and so clearly revealing the damage, not only of the past three years, but of believing in the mythology created and perpetuated by the dominant culture.
2
Any response to that rude receptionist is going to be wrong and unsatisfying. That is the worst part - so much energy lost on such fruitless interactions.
It is hard to find common ground of shared humanity with haters and racists. Anyone who can do that has my greatest admiration.
Still, walking around angry is costly mainly to ourselves. Whoever can transform this anger into a more productive energy does better for themselves and for those they love, in the long term.
2
Steeped these days in the writings of James Baldwin, I wonder if he might rephrase your “Can I be irrationally angry, too?” with “Is an acknowledgement of common humanity too much to ask?”
And if it (clearly) is, then what larger social and racial circumstances are condensed in the exchange between you and the receptionist?
Though likely not a source of consolation, it might be cognitively fruitful to imagine that she is a morally stunted person for reasons of her repeated mistreatment of blacks. That the humanity within her is as dead as the voice she used when she spoke to you. That she has warped herself in warping the bonds of community.
If this is right, is rage the answer? I don’t know – and, above all, I would never presume to tell you what might be. I appreciate, however, the thoughts of Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X: “It’s a waste of resources.”
1
"A couple of weeks ago, my dog woke up with a nasty ear infection, and I found myself at the reception desk of a specialty vet practice's emergency room, filling out forms to check her in. AS USUAL, I WAS THE ONLY BLACK PERSON THERE."
Sounds like your dog isn't the only one with a problem. When I go to the vet, or any other place for that matter, I couldn't care less about the race/ethnicity of those around me. I simply want to get something accomplished, which has nothing to do with color/gender/whatever. Also, how about taking some responsibility for your actions/emotions instead of blaming Trump or anyone else for your newfound shortcomings? The sooner you're able to hold yourself accountable for your behavior and attitude, the better off you'll be. Try it sometime.
24
Having a say anything President is proving contagious. Having grown up with a pair of identical twins that had that trait, I witnessed others trying to emulate them. It always backfired. Only the truly audacious can get away with it, as Trump is proving to the rest of the world. Vote him out.
4
I know, right? I'm an old white guy, and I'm more confused about racism now than I ever was. Maybe because I really never understood the problem in the first place. I used to think, when I was young, that I wasn't racist because I wasn't involved in any of the shenanigans that caused discrimination. I had black friends and so I couldn't be racist. Maybe this is the thinking in Trump-land. It's easy to internalize this thinking and be blind to the fact that our racism is now, and always has been institutionalized. Until we all agree on this fact, racism in the US will never go away. I'm at a point where I want to apologize for our collective ignorance to every black person I see. As if that will somehow atone for it all. I'm just heartbroken about the whole mess, especially the idea that so many of my countrymen don't see the problem and that is apparently OK.
5
Reminds me of recent news report at ?Ball State university where a professor asked (?demanded) that a Black male student move from his seat in the back of the room to the front, recently vacated by another student. He refused (his stuff was all organized, his laptop charging etc). The cops were called! This was videoed by another student. Ultimately, the professor e-apologized. I am an older white female but I probably am too disconnected to detect snubs.
2
Sigh. 57 year old white guy here. I’m pretty sure Erin’s anger isn’t irrational. The leader of the free world is an angry fat white guy whose supporters are almost 100% white, including the senate that will, most assuredly, vote to keep him in power. I am hoping this just a last gasp, and that after trump, maybe we will remember that “America” is an idea and has nothing to do with the color of your skin or where your family immigrated from. However, I’m not very hopeful at the moment.
3
I’ve been angry since kindergarten. Seriously.
My best friend was a 5 yr. old black child. I was the chubby 5 yr. old swarthy Italian American whose dad was an ex con. So we were not allowed in the “make believe kitchen “to play house or able to hold hands with the other kids for“Ring around the Rosie. “.The little girls said we were “ dirty”. Our teacher never intervened to help us out. She made us feel even worse. I couldn’t name the “ thing” then. That was 1957. In 1970 I graduated from a New England high school in a small town where we had one black student in our graduating class. It wasn’t till my 30’s that I started realizing the racialization and dichotomy of being subtly discriminated against . The immigration crisis of chaos orchestrated under Bush thru our current nightmare leadership made me completely aware of the deep chasms in our points of view about the degree of melanin in our skin. It’s been a journey and it is ok for you to be publicly forthright about being treated disrespectfully. Other people need it in their faces or it will be ignored and condoned. “ do not go gentle into that goodnight. “....
3
This receptionist had far too much power over you. Still has, since it still bothers you. First you over-reacted (why not a simple “no”?), then apologized, then were left needing her to respond to your apology. Who is she to you, anyway??
Aah, she represents. The power of white people, even the young, entry level ones, in your consciousness. Trump has elevated them, it’s true. Not by making them wise, or admirable, or effective in the world; just by enlarging their space in (some of) our heads.
Next time, ignore her; use the energy instead to do something constructive.
9
Wow. What a mental mine field it is for African Americans to live in this country. The stress is incessant and its effects can be seen in every health statistic. As a white person, I know I have added to this stress when I examine my behavior toward my fellow African Americans. This is not a confession seeking absolution. It's simply a fact. It's my job to be aware of this propensity and to pre-empt it. If I don't, shame on me. If I do, no kudos for me, just a fairer, more just and loving world for all.
3
The ways in which Mr. Trump fools his followers is obvious to us. But the ways in which he fools the rest of us are just as real. Dividing the country down the middle between “racists” and politically correct shrinking violets who see everything as an expression of racism is one part truth & 9 parts manipulation. Is it possible the receptionist never noticed your race? Possible that she hates Trump as much as you do? I don’t know, I wasn’t there, and I’m not her. But politically, none of us can do anything at all about others’ attitudes. Politics is not about attitudes, or identity, or culture. It’s about power and how it gets used. Yet we keep shouting at each other, while the powerful accrue more power, and rob us blind.
5
Anger is justified. Anger expressed for its own sake doesn't help. It takes a long time to understand this. Red-faced people in their red MAGA hats are not going to understand at all.
Be smarter. Don't play that game since it just degenerates into every war that has ever happened. Maybe set a better example, for others, if you want, but first and foremost, for yourself.
1
Decent human beings need to be more than just angry. They need to be enraged. They need to be wrathful. Our country has be infected by something that crawled out from under a rock.
Of course, it's always been there but now it's being unleashed. And being fed. I consider many of Trump's supporters to be no longer Americans. To my fury, I've watched my country become occupied by the enemy.
You're right, Erin. We need to fight.
2
This situation brings to mind a line from a recent Roger Cohen column: Discipline is the backbone of grace. While it may have felt good to go off on the rude receptionist, the apology that came later proves such behavior is not in the writer's nature.
Do not let Trump and his angry warriors change our lives completely. This world suffers no shortage of cruel people. Killing them with kindness and civility rarely works but even so, it's the best course of action.
A well-written complaint to her boss would have been the better, and possibly more effective, way to go.
4
Telling any customer to "sit down" without explanation or eye contact is poor customer service. Employees do it all the time though. On the far side of the desk, you'll have a hard time understanding why. They might be thinking about a broken printer or a bathroom break. Maybe you just caught "that" employee. Point being: Skin color might have nothing to do with a sudden shift in irritability. It's the service industry.
More to the point though. I'm frustrated some people are allowed to freely abandon self-discipline while others are not. We all have our moments. However, filling stadiums with unrighteous indignation statistically defies the concept of outliers. 40 percent of America is happy to scream and shout at anything that displeases their particular sensibilities. To my mind, that's no freedom at all.
I'm talking about the concept of liberty. Your freedom ends where my freedom begins. A greater liberty ultimately leads to a more free and just world. That's how we balance competing and opposing interests. You are at liberty to drive a car provided you don't hit anyone else. Not hitting anyone else requires self-discipline. However, we are all more free to travel when using cars.
The Trump crowd is effectively driving drunk and throwing unopened beer cans at pedestrians as they speed past. Our difficulty is the drunk driver organizing the assault also happens to be the chief of police. That doesn't mean we should drive drunk. That means we need a new police officer.
9
Ouch! I really feel for you.
I hope your dog received good treatment and is well now.
If you have to take it back for a re-check, I hope you'll say something to the vet. And if you don't have to return, please consider checking for an online review site and mentioning the poor customer service.
I find that most business owners value their reputations and respond to feedback, both good and bad.
Still, it is very sad that we're still discussing this issue. Thank you very much for writing.
2
Donald Trump has basically set the tone for this lowered level of civility. The basis for his appeal is his total lack of inhibition when it comes to attacking and smearing his opponents. That's what his supporters love about him. He says what he feels 24/7, because he can. Of course it's going to get under everyone else's skin. And there is no doubt that the general level of discourse has suffered greatly. We all don't need to follow Trump and his followers down that rabbit hole. There really are good reasons for maintaining civility and politeness. Hatred and rage are bad for the soul and degrade the commons. Maybe the decline of American discourse and with it the decline of America is inevitable. I hope not.
5
Sadly, trump has given a megaphone to hatred in America. Yes in today's America hatred is alive and well.
Including more subtle ways, such as labeling all that are not white, male, Christian, Americans the enemy and to be ostracised, jailed or killed.
But the reality is that we are not exceptional, we are not better than anyone else. We are a fearful, angry, powerless and frustrated mob. We are weary that our neighbor may be doing better than we, and probably taking. Certainly, we can not trust anyone, we are surrounded by a cacophony of lies, twenty-four seven. Those who were are friends are now our enemies. Our Representatives are too busy enriching themselves to follow the oligarch's agenda that they fail, every day in performing their jobs. The Courts have been packed, the Executive is a clear and present danger and we are becoming an Autocratic society.
1
"I feel — again — that Malcolm X was right, black people are wasting their time trying to win over white people when they so clearly have no interest in being won over."
Ms. Gay is right. I'm a person of color (Middle Eastern ancestry). I'm in my 60's. I lived through the Civil Rights era, and believe until 2016 that progress had been made. Oh, not as much as most whites believed, but I did think that our society could, one day, have a place for all of us, regardless of ethnic background or skin color.
All that changed in 2016. Not a month goes by now that a total stranger doesn't yell a slur at me or my family - "go back to where you came from." Before 2016 I could count on one hand the number of times I heard slurs like this. I was born in Chicago. But none of this matters to these whites.
Ms. Gay should not regret what she said to the white receptionist. Trump has told whites that they are the only "real" Americans, and many more people have absorbed this message than we'd like to think.
The 2016 election taught me that there were more racist whites than I'd wanted to believe. Trump's election proved that they are the ultimate identity voters. A majority of whites voted for Trump - even white women did. Get your head around this one fact - for a moment.
It will be a long time before people of color will ever be equals in this country. And decades of progress have been destroyed in three short years. This truth may be painful, but it is very much the truth.
2
"That fact alone — that we are all Americans — has become infuriating." Exactly.
I am white and until now I have never had to face the full implications of that. I have always thought Malcolm X was a prince among his people and I wished to claim him as a true American as well. I am not only sad that America has proven that the promise of equality is hollow, I am infuriated that I share the ethnicity of most Trumpists.
The lies, cruelty, ignorance and cowardice of Trumpism are simply the face of white fear. What they will never understand is that their moral depravity and political tyranny only hastens the day of judgment.
For my part, I intend to subvert whiteness from within. There is little I can do to avoid the benefits of being white but at least I can start by realizing that being white is a fraud.
1
Thank you for this brilliant essay. It demonstrates so clearly what is probably the deepest damage Donald Trump is doing to this country. Anger and hate are contagious, and he is spreading them.
1
Erin Aubry Kaplan, thank you! Your vulnerability so crisply describes the messy, raw place we Americans find ourselves right now. I so appreciate your insight. This piece reads as a human question—-a “to be continued” space. Three years into this, we are raw and leaking now. You have touched a button that is universal, real and begs the question: Who will we become, together? How will we get there? I can’t wait to read your next piece.
1
Erin Aubry Kaplan look up the word, stereotyping, and then lookup the term "cognitive distortions"
23
Trump has made people of all descriptions untethered. His daily acts of crudeness has legitimized disgusting behavior. What would have been disturbing coming out of the mouth of a drunken, deranged person staggering out of a bar at 2 am, is now what is expected from our president. Responding to this with kindness, the Michelle Obama, “when they go low, we go high”, isn’t the answer nor is acting like Trump. It isn’t about response, about fighting crude with crude, it’s about following Polonius’, “be true to thineself”. It feels good to lash out in anger, but is that who you want to be, even if works? Trump wins when he brings everyone down to his level. Remember when he said we were no better than the Russians, that all nations did evil in the world? You can’t beat real evil with amateur evil.
1
I always appreciate your thoughtful essays; most of all when they're most thoughtful.
This time, though, you write: "I feel — again — that Malcolm X was right, black people are wasting their time trying to win over white people when they so clearly have no interest in being won over."
Is that emphatically generalized view -- "white people", "they" -- really the only possible destination, the moment you've become unmoored from a belief in racial harmony?
White man calling.
3
"Something happens" and, of course, YOU and only YOU know what the other person intended to mean or thought, etc.
Never mind that the other person may have had a completely different thought. No YOU are the only arbitrator of what the other person meant.
Run around being angry and don't be surprised if other people end up being angry at you back.
21
If a young receptionist at a vet's office talked to me that way I would have told her something and walked out the door. And you should have too.
1
Ever hear of a self-fulfilling prophecy, Ms. Kaplan? Your attitude is creating that which you fear. A relative of mine (a white women) is treated badly by just about every service person she meets. Her attitude makes it very clear that she thinks they are incompetent, don't know their job, and are most likely trying to cheat her. She comes in looking for a fight. And she gets it. I wonder what a film of your encounter with the receptionist would have revealed.
36
Americans of every stripe seem more angry, grouchy, grumpy. Trump/GOP have convinced White Christian America that they are under siege while making the rest of us feel the same by their actions.
Though I feel the blame lies predominantly at the feet of Fox and its mimics, It does not help that liberal news outlets tend to put forward members of every possible group to complain about how they are tortured all day long by folks from other groups (and this DOES NOT apply to Ms Kaplan's piece, which I much like; and the NYT has been pretty good about avoiding this trend).
Seeing America like this saddens me greatly
2
It was very powerful to read this column just after reading Bret Stephens's column where he somewhat minimizes the damage Trump is doing to our nation. So many people looking for something to be hopeful for. The daily display of ugliness in our public square produces in me a sort of low level distress that never leaves.
172
@LewisPG
I get the reasons for comparison, but Stevens was not apologizing or justifying Trump's multi-faceted miserable behaviors. Stevens was saying that, for the most part, our institutions have held up (understand others might disagree).
What Ms. Kaplan describes has been around many decades and centuries, albeit appears to have suffered a serious escalation with the current guy in the White House. Our lack of tolerance and fluctuating rage is longstanding. Maybe look at: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/08/14/magazine/1619-america-slavery.html (NYTs 1619 project) AND https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/06/books/review/kathleen-belew-bring-the-war-home.html (more recent emphasis since Vietnam War).
Still, some of those very institutions Stevens discusses are also culpable in our longstanding racial divisions.
2
@lewispg YES YES YESSSSSS!
@LewisPG I also just read Stephens' column and was, like you, deeply disappointed in it. He makes a reasonable point that many moderate democrats like myself share, where all the tens of trillions of dollars for Warren's or Sanders' plans going to come from. At what cost?
But what he glibly ignores is what the implicit acceptance of Trump's racism, misogyny and hatred for the other has done to our country and culture.
6
I'm white and grew up in a white suburb but for many decades I've been embedded in a very multicultural scene: in jazz, in science, in my neighborhood and my family (adopted two mixed race boys in their infancy). This piece somehow touched me. I love, admire or enjoy many people of various ethnicities and I believe that the best cultural products in science, art and social organization arise when cultures mix constructively. I am hoping that the way to overcome the current virulent outbreak of macroscopic racism is through strengthening bonds between ethnic communites, in politics, in business, in art and in science on a massive scale. I am not thinking so much of trying to love the Trumpies (a formidable task) but of demonstrating in our various roles how much better a life can be had by affectionate cooperation between people of good will. If it becomes obvious that that is a better way, then the attraction of hate based formulations can wane. I'm not suggesting that anger is unjustified, only that, as I think Erin actually realizes, its indulgence is unlikely to contribute to that goal.
33
Trump's influence is systemic, so of course, you (or anyone) would react like this or some version of it. It's game theory by a gut player. He creates and weaponizes our reactions against ourselves to empower himself in something like an ever amplifying negative feedback loop. I never thought about it before, but I wonder if the injection of evil is not some binary on/off-like switch turning people to the dark side but if it is instead tapping into a dynamic so as to make it degrade itself and over time become the worst thing. We know there is no bottom with him. Is he degrading our souls?
45
@dukesphere Insightful comment. Trumpism's negative influence has touched everything in this society. Never before in my life (well, maybe since adolescence) have I yelled so much at my mother, but her defenses of Trump just drive me over the edge. It's not a pretty sight to see someone yelling at a 90-year-old for her politics, but honestly, I can't help it. I know the emotion, Erin!
2
@dukesphere
Here's my thinking on the subject. Trump is politically incorrect. The social fashion today is to solicit sympathy, either with a sob story, or the I have fallen and can not get up line, or some facebook posting soliciting something or selling something. Do things for me, pay my college loans, give me healthcare for free, come up with an excuse to save me from having to be responsible for myself. Trump seems to be allergic to that. His ways are not those of statesmen past, more like dictators past, but Trump is representing old fashion American values, pay your own dues, take care of yourself, get to work and stop whining. It is meeting with allergic reaction by a large part of the population who'd rather have a handout.
2
@LHP Old fashioned American values? Trump’s not quite the self-made mogul he makes himself out to be — he got a considerable head start in business thanks to his real-estate developer father. His business record is less sterling than he suggests: Trump Airlines, Trump USFL, Trump casinos, Trump Tower Tampa, Trump University, etc. etc. etc.
7
Our experiences are obviously different but as a Jew I’m more scared than angry. I knew there was antisemitism in the US but I always felt secure living in the NYC area.
Not anymore, and in retrospect it was naive to think it wasn’t a problem here. It has always boiled below the surface and maybe it’s better that law enforcement knows more about who some of these people are.
I’m sorry about what you’re experiencing.
108
I have to agree with the author even though I’m a white guy. I’m completely appalled at what the reality of my country is. The unabashed racism that’s been embraced by the Trump crowd has trickled down and it’s disgusting and embarrassing. I’d thought we were getting past all this finally but no. Once again America is becoming another great misadventure in whiteness. Absolutely stomach turning what’s going on today. The author has every right to her anger and may I add to its unhindered expression. It’s time that white America woke up to what’s actually going on and take a stand against it.
140
@Tim H.
The author has no right whatsoever to make blanket accusations. That is racism, of the inverted kind.
12
I totally believe everything you are saying. I have seen and heard about the type of racism you are describing, and it's definitely real and pervasive. But I also want to say that I, a Caucasian male, encounter many situations where customer service attitudes are really bad. So not every such face-to-face interaction is due to racism...sometimes it's due to horrible training, or certain people being so lacking that they are untrainable. I'm glad to hear that you are calling people out, regardless of the reason for their bad attitudes.
73
"I’ve had bad mornings for three years."
There's about 70 million voters, Black, White, Latino, Asian, etc. male and female, that have had the same bad mornings for the last three years.
The receptionist was wrong, flat out wrong. I'm a 76 year old white man living in Atlanta where the black community dominates every aspect of the city, we love it. Right now my wife is reading "Tough Love" by Susan Rice. We got the book during a book tour here, where she's interviewed by Stacy Abrams. Now that's a class act those two.
We just have vote Trump out of office this November, and maybe we can start having better mornings.
194
I don't know how black people do it. As a white male, I think life is hard enough. I can't imagine constantly being the only white person in a room. I can't imagine that almost every Santa Claus, or Barbie Doll, or G.I. Joe is a different color than me. I cant imagine being treated differently just because a certain percentage of people don't like the color of my skin. I can't imagine living in a society that seems to almost always put me at a disadvantage.
Maybe we need forced housing. Force people to live in integrated neighborhoods. In all seriousness I don't see a way forward. But we need a reckoning, and the sooner the better.
137
@David Biesecker This, I think, is the best argument for reparations. I think we need to draw a line in the sand of America, and atone. It's not just for the brown people, it's for us, the white people ,who carry the mantle of oppression whether we know it or not.
18
@Jodi Harrington
White men.
1
A brilliant essay!! Thank you. Your story describes what it is like for me to be an older woman in a male-dominated workplace and in a world that finds older women invisible and inappropriate when they expect equal voice, treatment, or attention. It's pitiful that it took me so long to understand what people of color have been dealing with during their entire lifetimes. I'm sorry that I didn't understand this sooner. People don't realize that it is the repetition of this kind of treatment -- in so many contexts --that wears you down. Let's hope that the rebound from the Trump era will create greater awareness, bolder actions, and the step-change that we seek. Your powerful essay helps move us in that direction.
278
@VV
Thanks, VV. And now "OK Boomer" is added to the ageism.
10
Ms Kaplan was justified in her angry response to "Go sit down" and was also correct to apologize as she left. If the receptionist refused to acknowledge the apology, it will be the receptionist who has to live with that.
82
@David Horsley I agree - yet I also urge the Ms Kaplan to notify the office manager of the receptionist’s off putting attitude. There’s no place for rudeness in a services industry job.
5
Everybody is more angry now. The venom and bile being spewed from the top and amplified by social media is multiplying rapidly. I have been living outside the US for the last 3 years and every trip back it seems more and more backward and uncivilized compared to the rest of the developed world.
232
@Anish I just moved back to the states after more than 9 years abroad. I don't recognize the place. Everyone is so angry. I have turned to supporting Buttigieg simply because he is the only one that sounds like he doesn't want to punch someone in the face. ... I liked this essay because yes, there is this anger and I feel it as well directed against people holding several viewpoints with which I disagree. I know I have to calm my butt down, but it seems everywhere I look there is something stoking the fire, including my own. It is infectious and addictive. I don't see it getting better any time soon. I suppose I can only control myself, vote and avoid confrontation.
14
@Anish
Uncouth barbarians is more like it.
I say this because most people do not even know what or who they are angry at. Decimated education can be thanked for that.
Even Congress men and women do not know how that Constitution works. Civics 101 has to be explained repeatedly like to a six year old.
The gop steals cheats and lies their way through 40 or more years and some still have to have it explained to them.
Then they go out and vote them in over and over.
More theft, more lies, and now talk of Social Security raiding (again) as well. So keep voting them in.
Ms.Kaplan is right-on here. Way past time to give it back since what we are responding to from the cult is vile.
16
I'm trying to be nicer to everyone. I think it's the only thing that will help.
115
Of all the comments I have recommended yours is the most appealing to me. I think the age of Trump has increased all kinds of negative interactions, and every day when I think he will have a second term brings out bad feelings in me. However, I in my little tiny way have decided to also be nicer to everyone. That receptionist does need to be called out for her rudeness. (Come to think of it, my vet’s office has similar kinds of people working there). I see positive engagement with diverse populations around here all the time, and it hurts to think this author experiences this feeling of exclusion most of the time. My sensitivity comes from having an American Indian mother who felt deep prejudice growing up as the daughter of a “half-breed” in Montana. Her shame at carrying this supposed disgrace affected how she mothered us. It taught me to accept ALL folks in an open way, and I dearly hope Erin finds herself in the company of more people who accept her just the way she is...a great writer who calls out the truth as she sees it. Thank you for your story, Erin.
10
Another perfect example of white privilege. The employee responds with automatic courtesy to one who resembles herself, with hostility (even if unconscious) to one who is different. Our society reinforces this white privilege in every way both large and small.
17
"My voice was louder than it needed to be, and scornful. I wasn’t having it. I was not going to sit down."
Ms. Kaplan, your voice was appropriate for the situation. No need to apologize. You have a conscience, but the receptionist did not.
117
@JC Ditto.
6
As a white male, I was with Ms. Kaplan until the end, when she apologized to the receptionist. Why would do that after being humiliated by her? She seemed to willingly re-subjugate herself, and in doing so, she negated everything she had written up to that point.
2
@Luomaike -
As an white male, I was with her all the way through the piece, and applaud her in-the-moment introspection. She was reacting to her own choices and reading of the situation. It seems to me that she offered the apology with regards to her own feelings about her earlier actions, not because she felt it was expected of her by others. Her apology comes from the same place as her earlier anger, her honesty with herself.
To flip to the other side, as a 6’3”, 230 lb. older white male, I’ve tried most of my adult life to smile at people and greet them when I am walking around in public, often accompanied by a head bob or slight bow. This is because over the last 30 years I have been told by friends and coworkers that I can be intimidating, even when I am not trying to be, simply because of my size, and erect bearing (and my years of acting as a hobby). Generally, I would rather be seen as accommodating rather than intimidating. Therefore, apologizing when I have inadvertently or reactively caused others to be intimidated by my actions or presence is something that I strive to do. (On the other hand, all bets are off when someone clearly and intentionally treats me poorly.)
3
Equality, from a legal sense, does not necessarily translate into acceptance in this society, more often not.
The "error" at the Vet office, Ms Kaplan , was to acknowledge the veiled insult received from the receptionist and then feeling compelled to apologize for it on your way out and being ignored. I would count that as two insults, the first unexpected, but the second one should have been no surprise.
Being white, I have rarely gotten that sort of treatment in this country, but have when I lived and traveled abroad.
What I did in those circumstances is what Malcolm X advised, “I believe in the brotherhood of man, all men, but I don’t believe in brotherhood with anybody who doesn’t want brotherhood with me. I believe in treating people right, but I’m not going to waste my time trying to treat somebody right who doesn’t know how to return the treatment.”
It works for me.
6
The outrageous Trump rallies frighten me, too. Sharpening intolerance with the basal threatening atmosphere toward anyone not in line with the red hat followers permeates down or springs up in our every day places.
Your reaction and thought apologetic action is all we can do. Is it? Is it all we can do I ask myself? These are alarming times from the outrageous rallies to our daily divisiveness these last three.
15
After Trump's election, I awake each morning greeted by fury. I didn't invite her but she won't leave. We have learned to live with each other but I do look forward to the day when her visit is over.
125
@LV
Fox news, et al, have been on each morning for quite a few years before Trump's appearance on the political scene. Yes, the vitriol and attention deficit disorder displayed is flabbergasting, but this hatred has been smoldering since President Clinton received a gratuity from his intern in his office. That sent some people over the edge, and they have multiplied algorithmically since. Now on both sides of the political scene.
5
while white, i have had similar feelings because i am female, and that group, as anyone paying attention realizes, is also under attack by this administration and their followers, although in a less overt fashion.
after 50 plus years of "progress" as blacks, or women, both groups are being signaled to be quiet and get back behind white men and get over being treated unequally.
the new aggressiveness of the push to keep us from being treated with equal rights and be seen and treated as of equal value to a white man has certainly unleashed a new aggressive tone in me as well. apparently, being reasonable isn't sufficient in this atmosphere. There appears to be no alternative but to once again push back aggressively for our rightful places in society. if that means i have to be a "bitch", so be it.
7
This article points out the ultimate absurdity of right wing populist anger - it only "works" if it is limited to the privileged anger of the legitimate authentic "real 'mericans".
Otherwise, if everyone gets to play the righteous victim and irrationally lash out simultaneously, the social order sputters into a heap of dysfunction and defensive prejudice. Every country in the world can't play the "make ____ great again" at the same time. We all can't all be putting ourselves first as a default strategy and expect anything but more frustration.
The idea that my bad day trumps yours requires your marginalization and my presumed default legitimacy. Pathetically, most of us should have learned in childhood that everyone has legitimate feelings and the trick is to work out win win solutions. That requires empathy and, for some more than others, humility.
Sadly, from our top leadership the assumption is that empathy and humility indicate weakness, especially for those with privilege and power. The receptionists revealed herself to be a petty bully and for some, this is the definition of winning.
14
It’s hard to know exactly what’s going on with people.
I’m an old white male in the Deep South. A few days ago I went to a hearing aid clinic in a big box store to see if I could get a minor fix on a hearing aid which had been purchased at the clinic.
The young white receptionist was on the phone and took a quick glance at me and went on with her conversation. No problem, it could be work related. I walked away and returned several minutes later.
To put it bluntly, the young woman’s attitude toward me as I explained my issue was brusque, unfeeling, and borderline rude. She did, however, repair the hearing aid!
I put her attitude down to ageism and immaturity. Had I been black I might have suspected racism.
183
Well, that IS the comment of an 'old white male' who doesn't understand what's going on. After all, you too got a rude clerk, and you got over it, so what's the article even about? That's funny.
'Old white men in the deep south' are the absolute definition of irrational anger, yelling at women and minorities, other religions and the post-Civil world in general etc to get off America's 'old white men' system.
Being from the deep south, I'm sure you know how racism and systemic injustice work. Black people are just as capable as you, sir, of knowing the difference between rude and racist. Racists get their point across, don't you worry.
5
Thank you for this essay. I think if I were black in America, I'd be angry all the time. Who wouldn't be?
That this receptionist ignored you is terrible, and I'm sorry that happened. A response of silence is often experienced as shaming; I hope that didn't happen for you. She is the one who should be ashamed.
I'm glad you spoke up. It was unsatisfying for you, yet hopefully she will think twice before asking anyone of color to sit down again. If you had no impact, then she is like most Trump supporters: highly lacking in critical thinking skills, empathy, and soul. But that doesn't mean you or anyone should stop speaking up. As you point out, Trump supporters certainly haven't, and for no good reason.
9
“not because it’s unwarranted but because it’s undisciplined.”
That to me is your finest point.
When there is—from the top down—a society shirking free from the required energy of moral self-discipline, it takes enormous courage to exercise the needed self-restraint.
But such courage is the only way to excellence, and to making the contribution to social change you can make.
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The author expresses a lot of anger and aggression, using Trump as a foil for her personal issues and feelings that clearly pre-date his election as President.
No one needs Trump—or anyone else—as an excuse to vent; it is generally better to express one’s feelings than to repress them.
I therefore hope we can look forward to future columns in which the author suggests productive and positive ways to channel all that negative energy into helping herself and others improve race relations in our society.
I spent a few hours with Malcolm X on two occasions not long before he was killed in 1965. While it is true that he espoused anti-white and revolutionary sentiments, during and after his last African tour he began to see and acknowledge that blacks and whites occupy the same planet and breathe the same air, and that the only way to resolve racial issues was for blacks and whites to work together to resolve them.
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Perhaps if more people acted in the moment, such as the way you did, there would be less space in the public sphere for such acts of thoughtlessness. To be poor, a POC or different in any way is to be invisible in our class-based society. I salute you.
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Mz Kaplan, every time a Hollywood movie came out in the 1960's with an actor playing the evil German, I walked the halls of my high school cringing from the side ways looks, and overt discrimination because I was a recent German immigrant with the accent. People I met would tell me with surprise in their voice, oh, you're a nice guy, as if they expected something else because of....you know, every minority knows. There was a time in the USA when the Irish were discriminated against, badly, used as indentured servants and abused, even though they were white, spoke English, and were as native to the American culture as any American. The truth is, simple people can not get over 'different', and when the chips are down they need to find someone to hate to build themselves up. And some people need to feel special, above and beyond the rest, so they ease their mind focusing on a difference in themselves, thus psychologically differentiating themselves. Fact is, this is a diverse country, always been, it's time to accept differences but still strive for merit.
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Thoughtful essays like this one should help bridge the emotions stirring within. For white people, we get to peek into the internal struggles of life today as an African-American. Yet these feelings have been boiling since 1619.
But anger of the oppressed is only a part of the story. We teeter on a precipice of more than harsh words between people. Riling up whites with barely veiled taunts from the president has become customary and welcomed. Where will these rallies lead us? We get to see what was never recorded on this scale before—white politicians opening their hate to fellow travelers to urge on their baser instincts.
Our history suggests that it will not end well, but we have overcome our past at times to seek understanding, healing. and justice. The first step is understanding. Thank you, Ms. Kaplan.
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It's all Ivolution (the evolution of self-consciousness). We are evolving psychologically. An unripe apple on the tree cannot turn sweet until its time has come. A better response to "Go sit down" would be to ask for the business owner/manager and ask if this is an appropriate way to treat a customer. If the reply is not satisfactory - then take your business somewhere else and not be "sorry" for anything.
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"I’ve had bad mornings for three years."
There's about 70 million voters, Black, White, Latino, Asian, etc. male and female, that have had the same bad mornings for the last three years.
The receptionist was wrong, flat out wrong. I'm a 76 year old white man living in Atlanta where the black community dominates every aspect of the city, we love it. Right now my wife is reading "Tough Love" by Susan Rice. We got the book during a book tour here, where she's interviewed by Stacy Abrams. Now that's a class act those two.
We just have vote Trump out of office this November, and maybe we can start having better mornings.
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Racial harmony is a myth, like the many other myths this country likes to tell itself, and leads to unrealistic expectations.
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I would like to share a race experience that was different and surprising. Two months ago a very black missionary from Nigeria showed up, uninvited, in our small rural all white community saying that God had told him to come to our town because the churches here needed a revival( which they did ). I and other members of our Baptist church met with him and decided that he might be legitimate and we risked God's disfavor if we did not give him a chance. He moved in with my wife and me and has been here two months...….The response to him by the people in this town, not just church members, has been amazing. He has preached in two different churches, conducted many well attended Bible studies, visited the sick in our hospital and homes as well as in a nursing home. He walks the town handing out literature urging people to come to Jesus. He has experienced no negative reactions from our citizens, only positive... Next week he returns to Nigeria and will be greatly missed.
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@Aaron Adams
And my father was a white medical doctor in a bush hospital in the 70s in a small town in West Africa. This left a deep and warm memory among people there, as well as in our family).
See, we could just inverse the "colors" in your story or mine, and it would come just about to the same conclusion: honest people bond with honest people, and there are racists everywhere - I do mean everywhere - who don't deserve that we give them the time of day.
Of course, in our Western countries it's more about white racism against blacks and we need to address that. But there is some reverse racism in the area where I live, I have heard Chinese and Arabic people say terrible things, etc. Not to mention people who are a little too religious and won't talk to a woman etc.
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@Aaron Adams
Interesting...have you always been inclined to take strangers into your home, even "very black missionarys?" If this come to Jesus moment changed you in any way, great, but what was happening before ?
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You describe a person from Africa, a temporary visitor — this helps define your church’s reception.
Very different from the reception a black American might receive from church and community — someone who will remain permanently and has a history of racialized experience in this US. And who would be sharing advice with your church leaders.
Yours is a liberal feel good story, but we need to open our eyes.
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i'd sure let that vet know he needs to fire that girl. a receptionist who thinks she's queen/classroom monitor/or anything but a gracious face for a business doesn't belong front and center or there at all.
i hope your dog is well now, despite her.
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@linh
I'm so tired of hearing this as a solution to everything--and it echoes Trump.
I'd like to see a greater importance given to educating these people before they spill their negativity into the world.
Employers--and by that I mean the managers of everything from police stations to grocery stores--would be a lot more effective if they gave the importance of professional courtesy even a fraction of the emphasis they put on efficiency and sales.
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@linh - Counsel her, don't fire her. All moments are teachable moments.
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What kind of people skills or graceful cheeriness can be expected from any person dealing with the public in their low pay no future job? Some people get along with animals better than people. They work in veterinarian offices.
What kind of education or worldly experience is required to work as a front office staff of a vet office? What kind of people skills can be expected from anyone with that pedigree? Aren't they hired for their dog skills?
Regardless. An affront is an affront that piles on with other affronts. The question is which antidote works without its own poison.
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While anger and frustration are understandable, striking back has a number of problems besides the ones the author noted.
It does nothing to fix the problem. It's far from clear what will, but I'm betting on returning incivility, as much as possible, with the opposite. Adding an educational lesson at the same time is worth trying, too. Even if the recipient doesn't respond to it, you never know about the audience for the interaction. You may have generated a life lesson within someone at a moment when, in contrast, they were willing to hear it.
It's wrong to do the very thing you object to when done to you: putting other people in boxes. It's done all the time now. We've lost the individual person--and we're either not noticing or don't care. I'm always the only me everywhere I go.
We only get one side of what happened, but it's assumed we're getting everything relevant. But we don't know what if anything led to the receptionist's rudeness, had someone just snapped unfairly at her, was she also having a very bad day, was she given any decent customer service training, was she the wrong person for that job? Taking a few moments to at try for empathy, even if it fails, isn't a waste. It builds practice and experience for the next time when it might not.
Seeing things through one lens can cut both ways.
Don't give up on "our fates are intertwined." You were on to something, even if it's difficult to get there. I don't think many know that.
Oh...hope the dog is feeling better.
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I find short temper anger as a part of getting older. George Carlin said that after a while he just stopped caring. Sad, cynical, and a part of aging.
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@Bruce Colman - Item #4 on the Facts of Growing Old list:
"Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work."
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So much of our lives are governed not by any law or the boorishness of our current president and other political leaders, but rather by the basic civility and decency we show every day in how we treat each other.
There has been a decline in our level of respect for others, which has manifested itself in the way we interact with those around us. The winds for this change have been blowing for some time. Many pressures take their toll on the basic humanity and decency we demonstrate every day: The callousness of on-line communication styles, increases in daily work-related stress and the bombardment of the senses by the 24/7 media are but a few. Trump has certainly not helped with his communication style, which at times is more like an irritated mob boss or insult comic than our nation's leader. But ultimately all of us have done this, by not holding ourselves to a higher standard of civility and decency in how we live our lives. None of us can control how Trump interacts with the world, but each of us can determine how we treat our neighbors.
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@Jack Sonville I appreciate your thoughts.
What seems relevant to me arises where you say ' all of us have done this, by not holding ourselves to a higher standard of civility and decency in how we live our lives'.
I think it is not a universally held article of faith. I think it will be felt by a person as a constant restraint, and when not reciprocated will give rise to anger. The anger of injustice.
There has to be a reward for undergoing the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. A reward for kindness and equanimity in the face of anger or worse. A joy in giving to the undeserving, confident that one gets stronger every day, losing some but winning some. This is not absent from our world; grace manifests daily.
Sword wielders and peace makers have good arguments. It seems less rewarding somewhere in between.
We humans are heterogeneous, diverse, different one from another. It helps if we treat each other better than we deserve.
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I think this is a very honest and aware take on her actions.
And I think there are lots of justifications for her feelings.
But on the other hand, she is basically admitting that she sees everything in a racial lense and she also seems to have a bit of confirmation bias.
I just don't know what to think!
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...I think you're white, is what.
As am I. But as an adult human female, lesbian, I can see her rise to anger and don't believe she sees "everything through a racial filter." I think she's seeing reality. My issues do not approach hers but I can glimpse them when my wife and I visit conservative areas in the US and have the temerity to hold hands. The double looks. Giggles. Outright disapproval and removal, lol. Literally walking away from us. And yeah, the violent posturing and comments that have driven us to leave restaurants. But I can fix this: all I gotta do is drop her hand. I am thinking our author's solution ain't so easy.
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@danny boy confirmation bias ? The author has , reality bias, 400 years worth.I hope we all have reality bias and empathy for others « lived experiences « .
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Thank you for the interesting thoughts on race. I'll try to learn from them.
Would you consider class? I can't cite stats; but will you grant me that workers at the front desk of of a Veterinary ER probably make a salary just a bit north of minimum wage? And that those who bring their animals to those facilities are usually (but not always) wealthier than that?
So your interaction (not the initial "Go sit down" which you took offense to, but that which followed) might have been affected by the (real or perceived) class differential ?
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Disagree!
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No no no you got it wrong my friend she was being put in her place simple as that
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@Marc McDermott You missed this part in her account: "Her voice was flat, with none of the cheer or empathy she’d just shown a white pet owner."
So no, not a class thing. The receptionist was perfectly capable of cheer towards other clients.
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