“white people bristle at the suggestion that they should abstain from using certain words because they have been conditioned to believe that “everything belongs” to them.”
Actually, it’s more like white people have raised to believe in fairness and equality, where each person has the same rights regardless of race. Having one special set of syllables, prevalent in pop culture, that one particular race is not allowed to say in any context, not even as a quote, is a violation of those principles, hence the pushback.
28
Yup. Heard all that and more when I was a young, often in the context of organized sports, razzing each other with all of this mock denigration, a bonding ritual.
There's one more term they used a lot as an insult at my tony New England college: 'woman.' That one stuck with me, so I just avoided team sports and, for that matter, all groups of guys once I learned it would come up sooner or later.
Many entitled-looking white men over 60 find that kind of thing repugnant. It does no good to assume all of us fit in, but that's what happens these days.
1
I completely agree with the premise of teaching our children respect for other cultures, races, ethnicities, genders, sexual orientation etc., is of vital importance. Speaking up when someone is being blatantly racist, etc. is also important, but communication is a two way street. We take responsibility for how we communicate/behave and hopefully attempt to modify it if we get feedback that it is offensive. We cannot on the other hand control how another person interprets the message we convey or the characterological/personality and/or motivational differences affecting how people interpret messages or motivations in other people's behavior. There is something in psychology called attribution bias which is a cognitive bias of perceiving ambiguous or neutral behaviors as hostile. It is seen often in people with personality disorders who tend to interpret neutral behaviors as personal slights and are extremely socially reactive. There is definitely overt and covert racism that exists that should be addressed, but saying we should police other people's behaviors or look for the most subtle indication of potentially derogatory comments puts someone into a state of hypervigilance for anything offensive. Any communication can be misinterpreted and it's also important for us to learn not only how to behave appropriately but also to check our own reactions, beliefs, and sensitivities, otherwise, we risk walking on eggshells or avoiding anyone we MIGHT offend.
I wonder if the parent can do some role playing with the child, in the sense they can call the child a slur (related to their appearance, ethnicity, religion, etc.) and then talk to them about how that feels when they are addressed that way.
it seems like much of the world's problems can be traced back to a lack of empathy and inability to place oneself in another's shoes. I write this as someone who was bullied/ targeted at one point by the Black girls in my middle school during lunch (which was really odd because two of my friends were Black girls who ate during another lunch period) and was rescued from the bullying by 2 Black boys The boys weren't even my friends but they saw what was being done was wrong and acted by surrounding me and taking me to the nurse's office.
Children without active parents will act in a manner consistent with the Lord of the Flies. However, if the parents actually play the games or spent time listening to "rap" music (or country, or pop etc) with the kids you can help with the interpretation. For example, when our kids were young, South Park was a great way to identify positive and negative behaviors...but leaving kids unsupervised can results in a lot of "Jacks" and hunters, at much risk to the "Piggy s" of the world.
1
“You might say to your son, ‘While your friends might think they’re being funny or cool, words can do harm, and repeating slurs is fundamentally degrading to the groups they are used against.’ “
Whoever wrote this sentence has zero knowledge or understanding of the young men who play these games. At their age and level of maturity, parental pressure doesn’t stand a chance against peer pressure.
And the everyday reality that the current leader of this country has built his career on slurs and puerile insults, and is cheered and applauded when he voices them, supports and encourages the behavior this fictional dad is hoping to change.
4
It’s become very complicated to know when it’s bad to say what, to whom, in which situation. Does anyone remember that we used to encourage people to rise above attempted verbal insults by saying “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me”? I think we lost something when we decided that we are so weak and fragile that passing vibrations if the air can actually cause harm.
11
I joined an online gaming community that didn't allow trolling, derogatory name calling of any kind, or bragging. We had a code of ethics that we followed. It was actually really refreshing. It made gaming more fun. For this boy I would just recommend not joining in. He should just be kind. Standing out as someone who doesn't need to cut others down to maintain their confidence can be contagious.
11
These words reinforce a sense of belonging, of a tribal identity. I think we are wired to used language in this way. The difference is the death of privacy. In my day, a bunch us would be at someone's home, perhaps in the basement, away from the eyes and ears of parents. Now, there isn't even couch co-op anymore and video games actually work better when kids are in their own homes. All of a sudden, what they say is now completely public. The words in question can definitely be wielded as tools of aggression, as weapons, but I disagree that they cannot sometimes serve another purpose, a positive one. You might argue that group identity is inherently exclusionary, but where would anyone be without their group, their crew, their community?
1
If saying certain things is completely off limits, what about some of the simulated actions common to so many games? It is not okay to use any slurs but it's okay to knife, shoot or explode representations of people?
7
What can you do?? I haven't read the article or the comments. I don't have children. But I have been a teacher for over ten years in four different states in this country, and I have met my fair share of parents who apparently have children with no intention of understanding how to raise them. This is not new. What I'm telling you is not new. Parents are dumb. Your kid plays interactive video games? And they use derogatory language? Is this a new thing you have to learn to teach your kids how to respect other people? Respect is a constant and you are a variable. Don't have children until you know how to teach constants.
4
This is very simple:
You tell him if you ever hear his say one of those words, no game for a week.
That's it.
When he tests you, you enforce it.
If he wants an explanation, he'll ask you for one, but the fact is that if you start trying to explain it to him otherwise, all he will hear is "Wah waah wah, wah wah wah wah wah..." like the kids on Charlie Brown.
6
@Eric I think that's a fair start, but I think you'd need to go a bit farther than that. Allowing your son to be silent but to live in an atmosphere of being permissive to racial and ethnic slurs? Banning the kid whose screen name was a racial slur is certainly in the right direction. I'd continue in that direction, at 12, guiding him to understand what is right and wrong until he rejects the wrong fully.
1
I enjoy video games - some of them multiplayer. I have encountered a few people just like those you described and it ruined those sessions. If only the people hiding behind their anonymous microphones knew how pathetic they were maybe they’d stop.
6
Wow that was fast! The “lesson” quickly went from racial slurs to an extended dissertation on the use of the N word. As someone the writer may consider to be a member of a “stigmatized group”, trust me when I say that the use of the N word is no “firm NO”. Period. As with any word that’s used to appear to be “cool” or simply to “offend”, it’s really about motivation and intent. Ask a child if they understand that words can hurt. Ask them how they’re trying to make another human being FEEL when they arbitrarily choose to use racial slurs. Sadly, communications on Social Media have reached an all time low, with many of the younger generations casually dropping F bombs and using terms publicly like “AF”....
I know, OK Boomer.
4
The amazing and terrifying thing about all these comments is how it's so widely acknowledged that racism is evidently an inevitable "phase" in the growth cycle of white males.
16
Slurs remain an important element in the human social ecosystem. Yes, it smacks of bullying and in many cases is mother than bullying yet where you don’t find slurs you find other more subtle and often more insidious language use to bully and subject victims.
1
Some teens resist peer pressure. But generally, only the most sensitive boys engage in a conversation with parents about anything, particularly when parents initiate the discussion because of something the boy does. I have two teenage boys. Just telling them to do homework or go to bed makes them say "fine," "Ok," "Yep," or "right" - which really means "Go away."
But even at this age, they know what they’re saying. Most are testing their power and figuring out what manhood, strength, and independence mean. They use the "g" word to rank themselves. Using the “n” word – to many white boys – means "trying on" a persona of coolness, power, and independence from parents. I am not saying this to endorse or excuse, but to state the powerful reasons why many boys use these words, particularly during a competitive activity like gaming.
What should parents do?
Approach the topic sideways. Ask them what they think about hard questions and real situations. Then listen to what they have to say. Don’t lecture. Never wield that language yourself. Have a real, diverse group of friends. State outright that the "n" word is rhetorically unique and is NEVER something for non-blacks to use. History teaches us why.
What NOT to do? Expect them to lecture their peers about right and wrong - yet. They must decide what kind of person they are. They need positive male examples that don’t involve ANY insults, even about people who aren't doing what you think they should do.
8
I knew without looking that a woman had written this article. Too often men have been dumbfounded to learn that “friendly” name calling / slurs could even be considered degrading. Women appear to be more willing to call it for what it is: funny/cool AT SOMEONE ELSE’s EXPENSE.
11
@SW Fighting prejudiced language with another form of prejudiced language is a great idea. ("AT SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPENSE".) How might comments like yours make men feel?
Let's try reversing it:
"I knew a man wrote this. Too often women are bad at this.. Men appear better at it."
Or substituting other groups:
"I knew an Aryan wrote this. Too often Jews are bad at this.. Aryans appear better at it."
Many *people*, yourself included, would be quick to call it what it is, and condemn it.
Reading this column and some of the comments, I now understand why racism is making a comeback in America. Wishy-washy morality is not good parenting. Parents should teach their children in no uncertain terms that using racial or ethnic epithets is completely unacceptable. Beating around the bush and making it seem that it might be okay, or whatever, constitutes a moral quagmire. Be direct and unequivocal. As to how to react to someone else using those terms, I would hope we can teach our kids to stand up and challenge immoral behavior when they see it. But if we don't have the courage to stand up, at least don't participate.
32
"While your friends might think they’re being funny or cool, words can do harm, and repeating slurs is fundamentally degrading to the groups they are used against.”
The wording of that advice recalls with uncanny precision the 2034 panel, depicting a cyborg wedding, from "Goofus and Gallant in the 21st Century", a wonderful futurist parody of Highlights for Children magazine's fraternal ethical preceptors, by illustrator Ross McDonald and writer Bruce Handy, that appeared in The New York Times Magazine back in 1996 (click to third page):
https://archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/specials/magazine3/goofus.1.jpg.html
3
Sometimes wonder whether these folks were ever 12 years-old or even know anyone 12 years-old.
Young dudes behave abysmally and say all manner of hateful things - they tell disgusting jokes - they think the most bizarre and cruel things are funny.
They have been this way for approx 3,000 years.
Most of us grow up to be sensitive and intelligent adults that recognize that words can hurt.
You simply are not going to rationally explain that to us at 12.
But good luck trying to turn your 12 year-old into Oprah.
22
@SteveRR But this does nothing to solve the issue. If you can try to explain why these words hurt, then you might prevent other people from being hurt or offended by your child's saying of slurs.
Plus a 12 year-old is perfectly capable of understanding what's okay and not okay to say and why.
7
Steve,
I don’t want to agree with you, but I’m going to have to. Lol.
I think the letter writer would be better served to show her son your comment than to risk pulling out the psychologist’s recitation.
At least it would save a lot of eye rolling, fake gagging, and WhatsApp messages about how ‘lame my mom is.’
I’m a bleeding heart liberal, but seriously, I think some of this correcting-your-friends advice is going to get this kid beat up. I’m good with don’t talk trash in front of me; other than that, some things you just have to figure out for yourself.
Young dude will either straighten out or somebody will do it for him. He’ll use the wrong word to the wrong person and his verbal faux pas will resolve.
4
@SteveRR sorry, but that’s the reason 12 year old kids become bullies. You know, the ones that show up at school armed, and ready to hurt others. Why? Because the same people who were supposed to be teaching by example (their parents) allowed them to work their way through abysmal behavior on their own. Here’s the thing: We don’t need to turn 12 year olds into Oprah. We just need parents doing their job and teaching their kids to take responsibility for their words and their impact on society.
9
As an adult gamer, I've heard more racism in game audio and text chats than anywhere else in my life combined. Lived in several different states and cities.
On a few occasions it's been so disgusting that I stopped playing the game all together.
The son should branch out and meet some people that don't look like him, to be honest.
12
This article makes mountains out of molehills. For all of time, teenage boys (and girls for that matter) have always said crude things, and always will. They do it whenever they're together - whether online or offline. Lisa's advice is terrible - trying to turn the son into the P.C. monitor isn't going to change anything and will only make him lose friends. Instead, the question writer should tell her/his son: "your friends and people online may use that language, but you do not."
21
Good advice, Shea.
So many mealy-mouthed suggestions. It's no wonder kids continue to misbehave despite the PC chats.
1
The alphabet is made of 26 letters, owned by all, with the right in this country to use them in anyway at any time. With that said, cultural norms may impose restrictive usage on some of the ways they are arranged. But language is how people communicate emotions and ideas, and it always finds a way to verbalize both. That’s its job. So even though the author uses the “N-word” to convey the racial slur that is owned by some and off limits to others, we as readers comfortably convert it to the slur; but without its cultural ramifications — sort of like slur-lite. The best piece of advice in the article is: “If you hear a kid saying something offensive, consider saying to him or her, ‘that term is racist,’ or ‘those words are hurtful.’ If you see a kid use that language to attack someone face-to-face, you need to tell him or her to stop, reach out to the victim, or alert an adult.” I play basketball every day, which is the most interracial sport there is, where the N-word is ubiquitous both at the court and in the music players bring. But when I hear someone actually attacking a player with racist, anti-Semitic or homophobic name calling, they have to deal with me and my immediate forceful intervention, which sometimes does not end well. That is not to say, however, that I still get a laugh when, as a white player, I greet some of my fellow black players with, “Yo, wassup my n-word.” Language always finds a way.
5
Unplug the console and go hike a mountain.
9
So why don't you use the word "child" in a non-specific gender context. Are you holding on to the bigotry of seeing non-specified gender only as masculine or feminine. Just as has been done throughout the history of communication.
There is a good place to start.
They want you to reign them in and guide them. Do it.
4
"Rein," as a horse.
But yes.
1
@B. The rain in Spain flies mostly on a plane...
1
Harder and harder with a president that frequently uses identification slurs to define opponents and other peoples on our planet.
7
Neither teenagers, or anyone else, should use hurtful or offensive words. Hurtful words can crush a person's spirit. Vulgar words are mean and inflammatory, which can exacerbate or worsen a situation in an instant.
There are so many other ways to express one's self, without resorting to crass talk. Although it is all too understandable, how teens could repeat the casual use of derogatory words, that they may hear being used in 'entertainment,' whether it's movies, the internet, video games or music.
Perhaps, particularly music, because music can get in your head very easily after a few listens, with all the lyrics included.
I must admit, I do not follow Mr. Ta-Nehisi Coates' logic when encouraging rap music's use of the N-word. What other genre of music lets one group sing to the lyrics, while other groups are strictly forbidden to sing along? (And I have some rap music, without questionable words, on my playlist for sure.) And it can be difficult to explain to a teen that they can pay for rap music, but under no circumstances should they parrot many of the words that they hear being used over and over again.
Rap uses the N-word profusely and repetitively. (Many misogynistic words, too, unfortunately.)
Rap literally puts the N-word to music.
I don't see how Mr. Coates, and the multi-billion dollar 'Rap Industry,' can have it both ways.
The surefire way to avoid the use - and the reuse - of hurtful words, is to try not use the words to begin with.
11
lol, my mother, a crazy former Marine, dealt with this issue one time and one time only in our home. She has been dead 10 years and I'm still trembling:)
When my brother and I were little, we got into an argument. He thought he was being like grandpa and called me the N-word. This would have been around 1965. My mother flew out of nowhere with the largest bar of Ivory soap I have ever seen. Not the personal size, not the hotel size, not even the family size - no, it was the "Mom on a mission size" bar. She grabbed him by the hair with one hand, shoved that bar down his throat with the other while barking out, "YOU WILL NOT USE THAT WORD IN THIS HOUSE. UNDERSTOOD?"
To this day, I can't even listen to hip-hop for fear of that bar of Ivory. There was never another slur uttered in her home. And gathering by my friend's language, their mom's had access to the same industrial size Ivory bars:)
13
Point out to your son that the sort of post you describe is against the games Terms of Service (TOS) and that if your son responds in chat with a reminder that the offending chat is a violation of the TOS and if he sees the chat again he will report it.
6
1. "...repeating slurs is fundamentally degrading to the groups they are used against."
I would make the point that repeating slurs is also fundamentally degrading to the people who make the slurs.
2. My personal opinion is that it may be counterproductive to state flatly to a 12-year-old, "You may not use slurs ever, under any condition." I would find it more effective to simply tell the child that you believe strongly that slurs are wrong, and to reiterate how disappointed and sad you would be if you thought he ever used such terms. A 12-year-old needs to be able to internalize his own principles of right and wrong.
3. While the writer did express some caveats about expecting the boy to speak out when other people use slurs, I would urge caution about setting up such a socially fraught expectation. Maybe a better solution would be some advice about choosing a better crowd to hang out with, or better yet, delaying online gaming for two or three more years.
Just my 2 cents.
16
This article overreacts to the simplicity of the reality of the situation. I’m a 16 year old High School student that plays video games often, and obviously swears are common when a kid is playing online. However, a vast majority of the time, when kids are swearing online it is in an online party with their friends, which is like a voice chat for xbox or playstation, and most kids do it in a safe space where random people cannot hear them. I am not promoting swearing, but I know I swear a good amount on xbox, and this is a parents oversimplification of a very straight forward situation. Kids play these games to get a fun and enjoyable escape from reality and society, and every user online consciously or subconsciously knows this truth. So when you bring super strict and touchy societal expectations that are already taking jokes too seriously, or giving meaningless comments a fabricated intention, into a false and carefree reality, is like introducing Type A blood in a Type B bloodstream. It’s a dumb idea to begin with, and its just extremely out of place. Most kids do not know or understand the meaning behind the slurs they use, so yes in public or in their normal life they should definitely not use these when talking to someone, but when meaninglessly used as a reflex curse because someone killed you in a video game, it should not be overreacted, because if you trust your son and you raised him well it should not translate into the real world.
19
Growing up just outside of D.C. (PG county), it was not uncommon for me, a white person, to be called the "N" word by black people. One thing I can definitely say, I've been called that word far more than I have ever used it. I don't use that word, but it does bristle me to have people say I can't. I've been called that word too many times and yet just in recounting those times I still feel like I have to refer to it as "that word" or the "N" word? Seriously, we've given "that word" way too much power.
I don't use that word, but not because I can't, I don't use it because I don't want to. It is a hurtful word and I don't want to hurt people for whom I have genuine affection and care for as both colleagues and friends.
14
Keep video games and reality separate theirs nothing wrong with saying those thing. Its only hateful if you say it with hate otherwise its just a joke and its natural for boys to say theses things no need to censor speech as long as its not in public
Here is a real world consequence-my 13 year old daughter, straight A student, three sport athlete, Altar server at mass, made a tik-tok video with foul language including a racial slur in the song (she knew one word was wrong and was not familiar with the other). She made that video without thinking in her school uniform. The video was shown to school administration and she was penalized with a two day suspension, and 0's on all her work for the days she was out of school. No more honor roll, risk of academic ineligibility from sports, and her perfect behavior grade for 8 years in that school wiped out. We took away all electronics, she has rediscovered reading books and seems to be a much happier kid-watch everything they do on electronics, or even better just don't let them have any of it, they are not ready
44
@Jennifer I'm sorry that your daughter had to learn that lesson the hard way, but I'm glad it happened early enough that it will (hopefully) have no long-term consequences re: college admissions, etc.
I wish her the best in her new literary journey. I have yet to meet the teenager who is happier with more social media in their life than less.
5
As someone who has played games as a kid and has seen this stuff constantly, I think that controlling your child and censoring things does little. You are hiding them from the reality of the world and also granting power to these phrases.
I’ve had these slurs thrown at me constantly. I don’t contribute to the problem but the fact is that there’s no point in hoping they will vanish completely. The reality for those of us who don’t freak out or run from these situations is that they only have significance if you let them. The more you react, the more likely you are to remind these trolls that they have some sort of power over you and that these words have any sort of impact.
I think the better thing to do is to make sure your kid understands that they shouldn’t be joining in with the use of toxic language. Make sure they don’t encourage it or let it affect/trigger them. And especially make sure they know that anyone who uses it regularly should always be disregarded as simpleminded and ignored.
11
As a kid, I used every type of racial, sexual, and otherwise offensive profanity I could think of when interacting with my friends. If it was obnoxious or outrageous, I was doing it. For the record, I also held my jeans together with safety pins and used shoe polish to fashion my hair into a Mohawk (Whoops, is that cultural appropriation? I just wanted to be like Sid Vicious).
Then something miraculous happened: I grew up.
People mature, people learn, people expand their horizons as they step out into a much bigger world. It's important as a parent to explain to your kids how these words can hurt marginalized people, and lose you the respect of those around you. But you can't badger and threaten someone to grow up more quickly. I must, and will, happen on its own.
12
ITT: lots of parents patting themselves on the back for taking video games away instead of starting a conversation.
They're just playing games over at their friends' houses now.
21
I am the (adult) clan leader in a massively multi-player online wargame. About half our clan--some sixty players--are teenagers.
We use Discord, which has been used as a boogieman in these pages, because it's also used by hate groups because it has strong security protections based on the Unix Operating System model. Far be it for a journalist to understand high tech underpinnings of secure communications--go figure.
Every once in a while, we get someone who comes through who decides to change their name to an offensive name, or who uses a slur in conversation. Or we get someone who cusses. We handle it the same way every time:
"We don't do that here."
If they whine and complain.
"It's not acceptable behavior."
Our rules require mature behavior and not acting like a jerk. When a group accepts ugliness and vile behavior, there appear to be no lines which are too gross to cross, then anything goes. Someone has to stand up and say "anything" does not go. You have to be willing to say "No, we do not do that here."
Leaders LEAD.
The question remains, is your son a leader?
31
@Dejah
Amen.
I became a gamer because my sons wanted to game and it was something that we could do together. It’s been a blast as they’ve gotten older although I have to work harder than they realize so that I don’t embarrass them as we now play competitively. When we play, I keep headphones on and listen in but type responses since my voice is a dead giveaway to my age and my sex.
Recently, my oldest and I were playing together on a team that included a particularly foul-mouthed individual when my son, after patiently asking the other boy to stop his tirades, finally asked him what his mother would say if she could hear him... whereupon the child unleashed a few choice remarks about mothers in general. My son gave me the nod and I finally broke my silence by introducing myself as a mother and suggesting that the foul-mouthed boy improve his gameplay which was suffering due to his focus on trash talk. The other members on the team roared with laughter and the offender was blessedly silent for the remainder of the game.
Generally speaking, my sons can and do stand up to people using language that is marginalizing, hurtful, or rude. That skill will be useful to them in the real world as well as online. I’m very proud of them!
13
@Nancy Moon I love this story!- how your son took a stand with his peer, how he then gave you the nod (which you respectfully waited for), and your priceless response & and its reception. That scene should go in a film somewhere.
4
Also it would be good to talk with him about why some of his friends talk that way. Are they trying to impress each other and make up for some self perceived inner weakness? Bullying is the refuge of cowards. Or they may be testing the taboos of parents and teachers. Either way, a discussion about this immature conduct is warranted.
6
Online gaming culture is incredibly toxic and is an active recruiting ground for fascist groups. It's not ironic or an in-joke, it is deliberate spreading of hate in a poorly policed forum that grants anonymity. It's the same as why extremists love Reddit and Twitter, they can reach a massive audience of young minds susceptible to easy answers.
No need to ban games entirely, there are plenty of positive and fun options, but never assume online play that isn't overrun by evil. Just look up articles of Microsoft game moderators getting PTSD for how insane it can get.
2
I would not limit the discussion to gaming. My policy would be to teach the child that it's not right to make fun of anything a person is not responsible for such as having a handicap, gayness, blackness, suttering, wearing glasses, using a wheelchair......etc. This gets away from the PC mainstream and makes a kid think about being hurtful in general.
2
As an adult gamer with a degree in child care, this is solid advice. It may need to be simplified to help him fully grasp what you are saying about race and slurs, but I'm glad the parent takes this issue seriously. Not many do, and just allow their children to play online games and hearing the most DISGUSTING and HATEFUL things that moronic, baby-men gamers use.
8
It would be the height of folly for your son to start remonstrating with his friends. It will achieve nothing other than the loss of his friends.
20
Then they are not worth having as friends
17
Bad language? Let us know how ratting on your kid's friends to their parents or to "chat room administrators" works out.
6
How do certain people "reclaim" a word? What if most people don't feel comfortable with certain people "reclaiming' that word? How do certain people get a pass to use a derogatory word while other people don't have that same pass?
When I was in junior high school back in the early seventies there was rumor going around that one of the black students had called another black student the N-word. Us suburban southern white kids were shocked. It didn't make any sense to us. We were well aware that the N- word was a derogatory word used as a powerful insult. This was before Eddie Murphy and hip-hop. Eventually the assistant principal got involved to find out if it was true and who said it.
I hear the N-word and awful misogynistic degrading words for girls blasting out at traffic lights all over the suburbs now. Almost everyday. Many times there are young women and children in the cars. These women probably text for the #metoo movement not even considering their hypocrisy. No wonder young people claim to be depressed and confused.
How did this world get so weird?
3
It’s about being able to defuse a word within the community to which it is normally hurtful. The free-pass to those outside is strange to me, but being able to own it from within helps heal past transgressions & sometimes empower.
To topic at large: Kids learn quickly. Telling them why something isn’t ok doesn’t have to be policing. It can be as simple as retorting, “That’s not cool” but still keeping up competitive language in other ways. There’s also a difference between foul language and that which is derogatorily racial/sexuality/gendered that can be established as tolerated.
I really hate when people write "the n-word." As the derogatory white-trash slang word for Negro, it reflects poorly on those who use it, including the young black men I hear in the subways.
But being coy about it is silly. If I were reading To Kill a Mockingbird out loud, I wouldn't have Bob Ewell say to Atticus Finch, "You n-word lover." The point is that he's an animal, and his language proves it.
As to black men's "reclaiming" the word from whites: It's trashy no matter who says it.
@Dustin Heim "There’s also a difference between foul language and that which is derogatorily racial/sexuality/gendered that can be established as tolerated."
Huh?
The mother writing for advice is living in 2020.
The columnist responding is living in 2010.
9
Ban the games in your home, then talk to your son, because if his friends are using slurs you can bet his college fund he is also.
5
Pull the plug, take the phone, discipline your child. You are the adult.
9
As a Jewish person who grew up with classmates who thought nothing of talking about being “jewed-down” by another, usually non-Jewish,person or calling someone a “kike” or worse, I sincerely and from the heart thank the parent in question for recognizing the problem and for seeking and implementing useful ways to intervene.
The 12 year-old child is blessed to have atuned adults who will go the extra mile to save him/her from a lifetime of distorting attitudes toward neighbors, classmates, colleagues, service providers, and possibly future family members who could otherwise be good friends, helpful and even life-saving services, professional mentors, influential contacts, and/or a devoted spouse or other family member. The child also will be spared a great deal of future shame should s/he realize, later on, not only the lost opportunities his/her negative attitudes (and likely actions to follow) cost him/her and family members, but also the pain and hardship those attitudes/actions caused others.
Needless to say, the loving parent’s care and intervention also will prevent or at least mitigate waves of pain and hardship, both subtle & pronounced, for the many fellow human beings in the world who are not exactly like their child. And, actually, may be their child after all, since s/he may later find that they, too, belong to one of the groups he and friends currently denigrate (e.g., homosexual people).
Internalized hatred, for others or oneself, is a terrible burden
9
@Yiddishamama
I had to explain to my sister, a far more liberal and conscious person than myself, that being "gypped" in an exchange was a slur towards gypsies. She had no clue.
Sometimes words enter parlance without any malice intended. Ive also heard people refer to "Jewish lightning" when their houses burn down. There were Jewish people in the conversation who had never heard the phrase before.
1
I wholeheartedly echo the other commenters who say, TAKE THE GAMES AWAY.
Some things are wrong - just plain wrong. Sure, I'll talk with my kids about anything, including the rationale for prohibiting certain activities. Talking about the "whys" and the "how to filter" and the "explain your absence to your gaming buds" and pulling the games entirely are not mutually exclusive. It's good for a person to know why they don't have access to an activity!
Of course, I am the mom whose response to, "So and So just got a new X Box" was, "Oh, that's interesting."
4
@Golf Widow Bet your kids hated you.
1
This is an important subject and the article is well-intentioned and has some good advice. But please, try to suggest language that 12-year olds might actually use. "Those words are hurtful?" The kid will get laughed out of town for saying that. I would add that empowering the son in the household helps. "If you ever see or hear me using words that way, call me out." Then appreciate that, because it's possible you're also demonstrating the behavior.
27
The best way to handle this would be to leverage the mother-son bond. Explain to him why it matters to her that he not use this language, so that he sees the immediate impact of his actions on somebody he cares about. Make sure he understands how it makes her feel, and why she wants him to change. These are terms a 12 year old boy can understand more readily than academic lectures on the history of slurs.
It's well within her power to give arbitrary commands with the expectation of obedience, but given that at his age there is an expectation for independence, it's unlikely to go over well. Going into their teens, children are trying to form their own identities outside the family and resent parental interference in their personal relationships. Parents CAN and sometimes SHOULD interfere, but you really have to pick your battles, because there's a limit to what teens will tolerate before they start to rebel more actively, and pushing too hard will produce the opposite effect and make them resent the very morals you try to impart.
Of course there's always the option to ignore her son's feelings and simply enforce her rules. Take away his games and the immediate problem is fixed, but she shouldn't be surprised if he is increasingly uncooperative in the future, and avoids talking to her upon moving out.
1
To the parent: THANK YOU for the way your love for you son and care about others makes your home, neighborhood, community, country, world a better place for all.
To the NYT: Thank you for this important and useful article. Keep it coming.
11
I play (one) online game in my free time. Many have commented that 12 seems quite young for online gaming, and I'd agree, but the article appears to ask us to assume that it is allowed in the house.
Given that, I would like to say that the presence of slurs and vulgarities in online gaming is almost besides the point. There will always be that one person who incorrectly associates provocation with power (or humor).
I would suggest teaching the son that the real lesson here is learning to choose one's friends wisely. Online gaming offers players an almost unparalleled ability to exactly which people to keep company with.
This goes far beyond basics like avoiding slurs. The son should be looking to befriend players who show other signs of maturity. In the context of online gaming, that often means the ability to be respectful towards opponents, the ability to control emotions when under stress, the ability to forgive teammates' mistakes, the ability to share resources, the ability to share credit for successes, a willingness to obey rules and play fair, etc. I seek to befriend players who display such qualities, and I try to display them myself as often as possible. On the other hand, I avoid or ignore players who exhibit the opposite behaviors (such players are often - aptly - labeled 'toxic' in online parlance); so should this young man.
58
@Matthew T After re-reading the article, I would add the Ms. Damour has missed the mark with her advice. Explaining in excruciating detail how and why any specific slur is offensive will likely sail over this 12-year-old's head. He needs to be told two things: firstly that, as an online gamer, he has a responsibility to surround himself with decently mature online friends, and secondly, that his current friends' language indicates that he is failing that responsibility. The parent should reassess his/her son's ability to uphold that responsibility and act accordingly. That's all.
45
Lol. Now can you tell us what to say so kids won't experiment with sex, drugs, or Ayn Rand novels?
34
@Abraham Not so worried about the first two. Kids will experiment; provide accurate information (and, in the case of sex, access to contraceptives and STD-prevention methods).
Ayn Rand is the bigger problem. Most of us grow out of that, but the true addicts who still spout that garbage in adulthood are scarier than any sex- or drug-addicted adult I've ever met.
3
He’s 12 and it’s your house. Where is the discussion of simply banning video gaming?
58
@Kathleen Banning video gaming will send him off to a friend's house and ensure that his parents will have no idea what he's doing or saying online.
7
It is wrong, damaging, and offensive, but more to the point, these bad choices may haunt these kids for a very long time and it's negligent for a parent to allow that to happen without advising against it. It may cost them a scholarship, a spot at a college, a job.
If a kid or his parents thinks it's so funny, or crafty, or that it's admirable to be offensive and it causes them problems later, so be it. Although I can hear the argument now, "but the president uses slurs and stereotypes all the time!" Republican family values sure have done a 180.
22
The use of racial and ethnic slurs by many in stressful situations is common. I am sadly guilty of such behavior on occasion. I wish I could cure myself and .try to do so. But sometimes I fail.
It is not an excuse but it helps me that I reprimand myself as soon as I calm down.
4
Add to your habit apologizing to members of that group and to others who had the misfortune of hearing your denigration, and for the latter explaining why such words and the attitudes they express are problematic and wrong, and you’ll be further along toward making things right, with others and within yourself.
To enhance the your credibility in this regard, you might also donate meaningful amounts of time, effort, and/or money to reputable organizations dedicated to ameliorating hate and/or to helping the very groups you habitually denigrate, whether during moments of stress or not.
Added bonus if you donate time and effort: you’ll likely develop congenial relationships with members of the group(s) you’ve previously denigrated, which will go a long way toward creating new neural pathways in your brain and thus trip up the automaticity of your shameful exclamations, making breaking the habit that much easier and saving you the discomfort of regret.
5
Your son should not be gaming at this age on this type of platform. He will hear these things and worse at school and yes, a discussion is merited about this. I would worry more about the social isolation, effect on brain development, lack of interaction with real humans face to face, and skills he is not developing by spending his time this way than words and epitaphs that most kids toss around. I see this as the least of the problems associated with gaming for this boy and his development as a person.
14
"But if you’re not in the group, the word is definitely not yours to use."
I vehemently disagree. No person or group "owns" any word. If it's improper for someone, then it's improper for all.
44
Words change depending on their context. A word used as a slur by a dominant group and that word reclaimed by the minority group it was aimed at are fundamentally different.
7
@Katy
Re "Words change depending on their context."
By Jove, I think you've got it!
And yet, strangely, in the current atmosphere, the utterance of certain words, one, perhaps two, in particular — the sound waves that vibrate the air when they are spoken — is widely deemed forbidden, even when their use is purely academic or journalistic (i.e. quoting someone, from literature, and so on).
In other words, certain taboo words themselves have been given talismanic power far, far beyond anything like the reality that they are a series of sounds, of vibrations in the air, of waves, of energy, *regardless of the context.*
This is the heart of the problem.
2
That won’t solve the problem. I’d guess that he does his gaming at a friends, so your solution was worthless unless you want him to stay away from home.
10
Complicated explanation! When this same thing happened in our house I told my son that if I heard it again there would be no more video games, since these are a privilege and not a right. And also that sooner or later he'd get his teeth knocked out by someone. Problem solved.
81
@Roberta
Agreed. I think this straightforward behavioral approach is likely to be much more effective then the very wordy one offered.
9
@Roberta you make me laugh. While I wouldn't wish physical violence on anyone, I understand your point.
It's sad that a parent cannot even handle their own child in this situation. During the days of community parent, not only would a strong mom put her son in place, but she'd get on the video game headset and set those other kids straight, as well. They're 12. It shouldn't require real estate on an international newspaper's website to solve this problem.
6
Spot on. But also, tell your son to step away from the video games and go outside.
13
Perhaps getting the son off the games is the better option. One doesn’t walk into a bar and ask everyone to stop swearing, drinking and acting like drunk people. Don’t like the company? Don’t hang with them.
38
While I don't have a better prescription to offer, the rhetoric proposed here does not sound like something that would have remotely found a receptive audience among 12 year old boys as I remember them and as I remember myself once being. I'd be curious to know whether it has been tested on actual people. I suspect not. Otherwise, I'd be curious to hear about other readers' experience dealing with this issue.
49
@Juan R Yes, I'm afraid pointing that out to 12 year olds will just result in mockery. It sounds like this is a bad group of kids
15
Agreed
7
@Juan R I told my sons that using certain words identified them as part of a group notorious for being ignorant, poorly educated and from a class of Americans known for idiotic behavior and low incomes. As parents, we did our best to model the kind of people we hoped our children would become.
While teens occasionally give in to childish impulses and act out, both boys eventually outgrew that annoying stage of life and became responsible adults their 'rents are proud of. It's a tragedy for our country that Fred Trump's kid never made it that far.
9
The exact thing happened with my 13 year old son last year. I took all gaming from him and don’t allow it period. He now reads.
88
@Unbelievable
Same here. At the beginning of the on-line gaming era we saw his sharp mind getting drawn into the addiction of the fantasy worlds. It was a no brainer to us, we explained it to him and we stopped it cold. We weren't to worried about his going behind our back with friends, because basically he had been raised well and it was the olden days when parents actually knew pretty much what their kids were up to if they wanted to know. And since we hadn't waited for the addiction actually to kick in, he adjusted very quickly and never looked back, diverting his intelligence into reading, music, sports, even homework, and the occasional over-the board games with live people on his time off.
14
@Unbelievable - Sure he does, for exactly as long as your boot is on his neck and in your presence. When he's away from you, which will likely be as much as possible moving forward, he will push back with even more vigor. A punitive approach is always ineffective, and abandons a teaching opportunity. Kids today are no different they they ever have been, and you failed to even give him the chance to correct his behavior. You'll get all kinds of back-slaps from like minded strangers, while isolating your child from his friends and causing resentment.
12
@Mike "Isolating your child from his friends"? "Punitive approach"? It's not like the parents have locked him in his room and shamed him into submission. I imagine that if this child wanted to actually interact with his friends outside the gaming world, his parents would be more than happy to accommodate that.
If all of his friends spent their time drinking to blackout and shooting up, would you have the same laissez-faire attitude?
These aren't college students. They're not even late high school students. If this kid is so addicted to gaming that he's going to emulate addict-like behavior to get to it, there are some bigger psychological and behavioral issues going on that need to be addressed.
5
The alphabet is made of 26 letters, owned by all, with the right in this country to use them in anyway at any time. With that said, cultural norms may impose restrictive usage on some of the ways they are arranged. But language is how people communicate emotions and ideas, and it always finds a way to verbalize both. That’s its job. So even though the author uses the “N-word” to convey the racial slur that is owned by some and off limits to others, we as readers comfortably convert it to the slur; but without its cultural ramifications — sort of like slur-lite. The best piece of advice in the article is: “If you hear a kid saying something offensive, consider saying to him or her, ‘that term is racist,’ or ‘those words are hurtful.’ If you see a kid use that language to attack someone face-to-face, you need to tell him or her to stop, reach out to the victim, or alert an adult.” I play basketball every day, which is the most interracial sport there is, where the N-word is ubiquitous both at the court and in the music players bring. But when I hear someone actually attacking a player with racist, anti-Semitic or homophobic name calling, they have to deal with me and my immediate forceful intervention, which sometimes does not end well. That is not to say, however, that I still get a laugh when, as a white player, I greet some of my fellow black players with, “Yo, wassup my n-word.” Language always finds a way.
1