Always give your child a name that sounds like a professional, not a soap opera name that screams victim or defendant
2
My mother disliked her first name, Jennie, so when she went to school she told her teachers her name was Lorraine (her middle name). It was that way ever after, except for family nicknames. The funny thing is, my grandfather misheard his father's heavy Welsh pronunciation of his wife's name, which was Jane. He called her Janey.
1
I actually love my name, which is NOT Marsha, but Michele, with one L. I joke that my parents were too poor to afford the second L, but when people misspell my name, it looks alien and clunky to me. I was born in the 1950's and it wasn't until years later that my name became as popular as it is now. OTOH, I despise my middle name so much that I won't even write it here.
My sister hated her first name, which was that of a character on a TV show. She was named after a dead aunt, not the show, but was teased mercilessly until we moved in middle school and she changed to her middle name - same as the handsome neighbor in Little Women! I am the only person in the world who calls her by her real first name. I taught my kids to call her Aunt Laurie because that's her preference.
My husband and I tried to pick good names for our children. One dropped his full middle name and uses only the initial. My sons all have names that are known but not too overused. One has a unique spelling, but it's a familial version so we had to use it. My daughter was supposed to be named Johanna after her great-grandmother but a cousin announced she was calling her next child that name. I picked a different name and my cousin had twin sons. We would not have called our daughter Jo; we'd picked Hana as a nickname.
I love this topic and enjoyed reading the other comments.
I hate my name, hated it always. Forced to say it when i meet new people, and do I call myself ‘howie’ or ‘howard’? If we’ve met on a plane or in line at the movies I go with ‘Biff’ and shrug.
1
I am a mid-sixties child. was given my mom’s first name- Wanda - but they called me Wendy from the day I arrived. I hated being called Wanda - that was my mom - not me!
Eventually I had it legally changed in my mid 20’s. I like my name - and have come to think it’s kind of strange to name your kid after yourself or spouse - but I understand that it was a thing.
What I find even stranger (and sad) are those people who lose kids to untimely death - and reuse the name on a new person. Feels creepy to me!
3
My given name was/is, Bumper.
Try that on for size.
5
I've always liked my first name. I still like it, even though I have been subjected to juvenile abuse for it on social media.
10
My name Janine is more known nowadays, but not in the '50's. I hated it when I was 4, I wanted to be called by my mother's name, Harriet! I figured she wasn't using it, we all called her "Mummy". At summer camp the year I was 11, I said my name was "Jamie". No one questioned me about it. When my parents came to pick me up, the counselors were confused by them asking where they could find their daughter Janine. They said there was no Janine in their bunk! Short freak out - my dad spotted me, said, "That's Janine." And my relieved counselor said, "Oh, you mean Jamie."
5
Hah! This story resonates with me. I wished for years my mother had named me after her mother, Jessie. Apparently my dad thought it sounded too much like a boy’s name. I was named Barbara Jean instead. It was intended to be my entire first name as in, Bobbie Jo or Peggy Sue. Ugh. Teachers in grade school refused to call me by my proper name & simply called me Barbara. Never did like it. I now go by B.
Lo, these many decades later while researching my ancestors I discovered my grandmother’s actual full name: Benigna De Jesus Gallegos. Jessie turned out to be an anglicized version of Jesusita, her nickname as a child.
So much for names.
2
I imagine a name change must be liberating. I was named after a grandfather who, unfortunately, turned out to be a rather abhorrent individual. While I have pride in my family name, I don’t have any in his.
When it’s more convenient to so, I’ll be changing my name to a Korean one my mother liked for me, and my initials will match my father’s. I have the best parents in the world.
3
I dislike my English name but love my Hebrew name. Problem is most people cannot pronounce it. But please call me Yael. Not Yale.
3
@Ema Toone I’m with you! Love my Hebrew name, not my English name. Told my parents so when I was a teenager. My Dad’s response: so change it. Sorry I didn’t. Even my Israeli passport ( now a dual citizen) has the transliterated English name so as to avoid confusion with my US passport. Sigh.
2
What's even worse than having "Jo" as a first name is having it appended to your first name with a hyphen. Especially if you're NYC born and raised, by parents who were NYC born and raised. What were they they thinking, giving their kid a name that sounded like a country singer? Needless to say, no one ever knew about it: I simply never used it.
4
Great article. For those of you of a certain age, we were happy to be named after the adorable Barbara Eden in that most popular sitcom, I Dream of Jeannie. My mom spelled my name without the “i” and most strangers pronounce it Gee-Anne or Jean. With no middle name, I had few options. When I go to Starbucks, I use my daughter’s name, which I picked with care so that she wouldn’t have to endure the craziness I have. But I did give her a beautiful but rarely used middle name which she hated until she hit her mid 20s. Suddenly, it resonated and I’m just so pleased to see her use them interchangeably. That was my intent. A rare baby naming success story!
2
Am I alone thinking that the author naming her daughter Lexi Syd is kinda begging her daughter to want her name changed in several years? Lexi sounds like the car manufacturer and also doesnt offer her a professional name in the workplace when she becomes an adult. FWIW we should name our kids very conventional easy-to-spell names and let them come up with a cool nickname her/himself.
30
@K Henderson
I like the name Lexi. It's unique, easy to spell, and easy to remember. It has a strong ring to it. Maybe Lexi will grow up to be a strong woman. And for her school years, I'll bet there won't be a bunch of girls named Lexi in her classes.
2
@K Henderson There is nothing unprofessional in the name Lexi in my opinion. I agree with the previous commenter, it's unique, strong, easy to spell and easy to remember. It's also pretty without being over-the-top feminine, if you know what I mean.
My own requirement when naming my daughter was a name long enough to have a few choices for nicknames, since I had none. Since we, her parents, didn't call her a name-based nickname though when she was very young, she doesn't like us, now, to use any shorter version of her name...sigh. Her friends have one though, Murry. I find it hilarious.
2
I was named Jane, a perfectly nice name now, but when I was a child there was a television commercial that sold shampoo by proclaiming that "I was a plain Jane, a FAILURE...." I refused to be associated with being a plain failure. I unilaterally took a new name that was not synonymous with failure when I entered high school and I have lived happily ever after. Now I cringe when parents announce that they have invented an absurd moniker for their unsuspecting kid. It purely stinks to have a trendy first name, if the trend has any negative connotation. Spare your children, please.
14
As a child, I was teased about my name as well. I was teased about my last name and my hair color, too. As I’ve grown older I have come to appreciate the things that make me different, and I like both my names and my hair color. Kids will always find a reason to tease their classmates. Same is true for adults.
These days I work in labor and delivery, and some of the names and spellings people give their newborns have made me more grateful for the one I was given.
19
@Jane K I was also teased for my hair color -- I'm a redhead. But as you mention, I've grown to appreciate it because it's different. :)
5
Oh, yes...nothing like growing up with red hair (and freckles) (in the 60’ & 70’s). I heard it all: “The redhead is dead.”....”Red on the head like a -ick on a dog”. My mother didn’t want to deal with “doing it up” every day so I also had pixie cuts. It was awful and, even in high school, girls didn’t just all go die their hair like they do now. I never had much money so, even as an adult, I never died my hair and rarely went for a professional haircut. I’m now 60. My hair has lightened all by itself to a beautiful golden blonde. I never have to have “root touch up” and I have the prettiest and most maintenance free hair of any of my friends. I now LOVE my hair & have also left it long because I always felt cheated as a little girl.
2
i was named courtney in 1972. the name was unusual at the time and primarily a boy's name. people constantly called me corey or corky. the first time i met another courtney was in high school. i went to college in seattle, during the grunge music phase, and guess how often i got called "courtney loooove!" and then there seemed to be an explosion of young courtneys, which at least made it easier for people to spell my name. except... i live in los angeles. more often than not, my starbucks cup arrives with "kourtney" written on it. hahaha! incidentally, i love my name.
8
How would you like to have my maiden name Myah Esse Jelqing. Marrying Uri was the best thing I ever did. The ridiculing I suffered as a youngster was unbearable. If you don't like the name you were given, change it. You are still the same person - but with a better outlook.
13
Comments criticizing the author for taking her husband's name but not her parent's choice miss the point.
She hated having a boy's name. She didn't hate being assigned a name arbitrarily.
No kid wants to stand out for the wrong reasons. Only self-centered parents do so.
Like putting a target on their backs.
15
The author says that she made the name change from Jo to Allison official when she married "and was updating my last name anyway."
With that throw-away line, Ms. Gilbert lost any true feminist credentials.
If Jo March were a woman in today's world, she would most certainly not change her surname upon marriage.
17
@Marie S
She didn't claim feminist credentials. She hated having a boys name which is completely understandable when you're a six year old kid.
No 6 year old needs should expect to be a feminist.
10
@Marie S i can't wait to take my fiancé's last name. it's a symbol of unifying as a family. he could take mine and it would have the same effect. (his is much easier to spell!) but it's my choice! how could that possibly be anti-feminist? real feminism is embracing divergent choices.
23
Not all name changes stem from the demands of patriarchy. Though there are still many women who are pressured into it today, the world is changing.
Taking someone else’s name voluntarily and out of love is hardly contrary to feminism. It’s plausible the author is happy to share a family name.
7
I was named Melissa more than a decade before it became really popular in the mid-‘70s, though my mom would never let people call me by the usual Missy nickname for Melissa, which was fine by me because I didn’t care for Missy. If someone called me Missy when I was young, she would just smile and offer a simple correcting “Melissa,” which is how I handled it as I grew up.
In my early 20s, I had a new co-worker with a daughter named Melissa, who like many went by Missy. My co-worker repeatedly called me Missy, though I would smile and gently correct her by saying “Melissa” every time. After a month of this, she threw up her hands in exasperation and said “I can’t call you Melissa because it means that you’ve been BAD!” After that, she was the only person I ever tolerated calling me Missy.
27
It amazes me how casually we reject our parents, elders, and heritage these day.
Self-absorbed.
2
@Will Don't judge other people.
4
@Will the self-absorbed person is the one judging complete strangers for their life choices. My parents named me after a terrible person who was also one of my parents. Who are you to criticize me for correcting their error?
5
I was named after a character in Herman Wouk’s “Marjorie Morningstar.” I was born in a Catholic hospital where most of the nurses were nuns. They were flustered when the mohel arrived.
16
The author says she made the name change from Jo to Allison official when she married "and was updating my last name anyway."
If Jo March were a woman in today's world she would most certainly not change her surname upon marriage.
10
I always knew my mother as 'Dorothy' and could never understand why an old aunt called her Dora. My totally unpretentious mother had apparently changed it when she came to NY in the early 1930's from Providence. Seems something called "Dumb Dora" jokes were a thing at that time.
7
I have never met a ‘Dorothy’ (and surprisingly I have known quite a few) who has liked our name.
5
After a bitter divorce where the ex literally got everything I ever had including all rights to my children, I said to myself fine, keep the name as well. I went to court and changed my first and last name and I highly recommend that when a person comes of age, they choose their own age.
My mother complained all her life about her first name and how she always had to correct people. My ex-wife also complained about her first name and how everyone tried to throw an extra a in it. I had the same issue with my first name.
Changing your name is much like changing your hair color. You definitely become a new you and it costs less than $100. Thanks to my mother's marriages, this now marks my third legal name in my life. The only issues I get are the VA who just will not accept that I do not have a middle name so they insist on using an old middle name no matter how many times I take the court documents to them.
I chose a name that is easily remembered and that no one ever misspells (not Tom Harrison). I was unaware that I chose an incredibly popular African-American last name and one day at the VA when they called my name and I stood up, I got quite a look from every black man in the room:))
7
Many cultures, recognizing the tension between birth name and later-emerging adult personality, celebrate a coming-of-age ceremony that bestows a second name.
12
It sounds like you very much were the young woman your parents dreamed you would be. I’m not sure, however, that they were ecstatic about the name change. If my kid hated her name and complained that she was bullied because of it, I would not mind her changing her name but I would feel guilty for her unhappiness.
12
not a very dramatic change, the author just took the middle name her parents gave her, and made it her first name. A lot of people do that! Changing her last name after marriage ... many would say not the most feminist move.
3
@xyz
Exactly! Lost my sympathies when she noted she switched to Allison when she was "updating" her surname upon marriage.
NOT a Jo March-like decision. At all.
3
@xyz Perhaps the change had less to do with feminism that it did with happiness.
13
@xyz feminism is about making one's own choices. i'm excited to take my husband's last name for many reasons. it is ludicrous to suggest i'm not a feminist because i choose something you don't approve of.
15
I have always disliked my name and have often thought of changing it. After reading this article now I know why I have not - my parents are still living. When I complain about my name others just say ‘Well, change it.’ I protest that I can’t because my parents are still alive. I can only imagine their disappointment.
5
@Sheela Todd IMHO, if your parents see you as a possession (the "my baby" syndrome, no matter what your age) , then they may be disappointed. If they see you as a fully-formed adult with your own wished and desires that should be respected, they should have no problem.
6
I understand your concern about your parents’ opinion. I felt like I was rejecting them when I legally changed my first and middle names from “Kathy Anita” to “Katherine Suzanne”. As a career-focused woman I wanted a full name and not just a nickname. The name “Katherine” did not flow with “Anita”; hence the change to “Suzanne”. Although my parents, who have passed on, were not happy with my change, I pointed out that my father had always used his middle name. Eventually they and the rest of my siblings adjusted to my changed name.
The other reason I changed my name was due to the internal changes I made over the years through counseling I received to heal my childhood wounds. I wanted a name that better reflected who I had become. “Katherine” was an easy segue from “Kathy” that could be easily explained to my business colleagues. A counselor who was like a second father to me gave me “Suzanne”, the French version of “Susan”. He was French-Canadian by heritage and died about nine years ago. I’m privileged every day to carry a part of him with me through my middle name.
My name is really Josephine Mary Golcher and I have always loved my name. My father was a Welshman who named my older brother David Owen and my younger sister Patricia Mair Webster. Apparently when I was born he intended to call me Gwynedd Mair Webster. However he had no input into my names because the RAF had thrown his squadron into the defense of Singapore in 1942. On the day of my christening on February 15th 1942, he was being evacuated from Singapore on one of the last bouts out so I presume my mother got her choice of names for me because he was in no position to make any choice.
My mother had several sisters and they loved reading about the March sisters in the books they received as Sunday school prizes. I am pretty sure that she gave me my names because she loved them.
Now she preferred that I be called Josephine and only towards the end of her life did she call me Jo much at all, although my father called me Jo. I would not let any one except my friends call me Jo. Teachers and authority figures had to call me Josephine and I still prefer that to this day.
My little sister was always jealous of my name and frequently wanted us to swap.
I have often wondered how many Josephine Mary’s there are in the world named after the Louisa Alcott heroine and How they feel about their name. I am rather proud of my mother’s choice and hope I live up to her dreams.
4
I actually changed my name FROM Alison as a young adult, to a self chosen name which had meaning for me. I had just never identified with "Alison", and also I had a particular teacher who use to shout "Now listen!" to the class, which always made me jump, thinking I was being singled out.
5
@View from here, I had the same problem during an 8:00 a.m. history class while in high school. Every time my teacher said “militia,” I would bolt awake through my morning haze, thinking I had been called on!
5
My twin sister's middle name is Jo, and until this essay, I never made the connection with Little Women. Now, it's obvious that our bookish mother (who also chose first names from literature for each of us) chose my sister's middle name from what must have been one of her favorite characters.
On a separate note, my two daughters came home one day more than two decades ago and announced that they were henceforth to be known by their middle names. That change lasted about a year with the older daughter, but persisted to the present with the younger. It suits her.
It wasn't difficult to go with their decisions, although it did take some initial (repeated) reminders for me to get with the program. I know the effect a name has on how others see us, and also how we see ourselves. It was their decision to make and I was glad that of the two names their father and I had given them, that they liked at least one.
9
In the five days my mother spent in the hospital (back in the mid-50s before new mothers and babies were kicked out within 24 hours), my parents named me Carol. But before leaving decided I looked like a Susan. I always wondered what was the difference - in the mid-50s it was Susan, Carol, Debbie, Cathy or Linda. And it seemed like nothing else judging by the names of my classmates and me.
7
You're right! I'd add "Nancy" to the list.
2
You can call me Deb. You can call me Deborah (all three syllables, please!) But I haven’t been Debbie since 1973.
9
@Djs66 Yes until you go to your home/birthplace for funerals and everyone who knew you when you were a kid in the 70s calls you "debbie" over and over again. Speaking from experience. Ya just smile because that is the only name they know of you.
1
Ah, Western names.
My legal first name, very different from my nickname since birth, is something very few people know, and I like it that way for a variety of reasons (even professionally I use my nickname for first - only ID is legal). My wife is from Thailand and they have a typical short nickname and formal name that is different from each other.
My nickname lends itself to a lot of other (American/Western) nicknames which I've been called. I happen to like both my first names and if you actually combine it my middle name it it is pretty insane.
The shortened versions of my daughter's names are Maya and Uma, which work in many contexts (they both apparently don't like the longer forms but so far haven't said anything about changing it). We didn't choose these two names for their universality (both my wife, who is from another country and vaguely related culture, and I had made up our minds independently about offspring names early one and we happened to agree on the first two female names).
One thing I've found is that people always find ways to make fun of you (and your names), either in cruelty or in affection.
--Ram
6
My birth name is Johanna, but I never particularly liked it (and the tendency for "European" pronunciation). When I moved to the UK, I shortened it to Jo and haven't looked back. Since then, I've toyed with the thought of legally changing it, but feel that the longer form is a tie to my parents that I'm not yet ready to sever.
4
My parents were way ahead of their time. They named me Jo, not for the fictional character, but choosing instead unisex names (with only slight spelling changes) for me and my 2 sisters. Knowing the sex of one’s unborn child in the late 1940’s and early 1950’s was not an option. After we were born, our parents gave us 3 girls unambiguously feminine middle names, but I quickly learned never to disclose my middle name to anyone because my somewhat uncommon name (for a girl) was often immediately forgotten, I would lose my Jo identity and become some generic form of Catherine - usually Cathy. I attended a one room school house in rural Michigan where about 30 students in 8 grades were all taught by our very talented and only teacher, Mr. Bob Watson. No one ever teased me and even when I was the youngest (and only) student my age for my first 2 1/2 years of school, I was always included in our school games at recess.
Not long after those first years in Michigan, we moved to south Texas where I was told by the Principal on my first day of school that I was supposed to turn in any student I heard speaking Spanish on the playground because it was strictly forbidden and against the rules. I chose to ignore this ignorant directive and quickly became best friends with Jose who lived down the road and was in my class at school. We remained close friends all through grade school, but were forced apart by our peers when we started junior high. Jo and Jose went our separate ways.
6
Great essay -- and the comments are also fun to read!
There's not much drama to names in my family. I'm a Laura, and I like it fine. (In fact, I love the way it sounds in Italian and Spanish.) The only minor drama is that when my sister was 5 or 6, she demanded we stop calling her Missy and henceforth was called by her first name, Melissa.
But I am very entertained reading these other stories about people changing their given names!
4
@L
I absolutely agree with your sister. My name is Melissa, my father told anyone who tried to call me Missy that if he and my mother wanted to call their daughter Missy, they would have named me that.
2
@Melissa Keith I am another Melissa who absolutely does NOT go by Missy. I posted this in the comments a couple of days ago:
“In my early 20s, I had a new co-worker with a daughter named Melissa, who like many went by Missy. My co-worker repeatedly called me Missy, though I would smile and gently correct her by saying “Melissa” every time. After a month of this, she threw up her hands in exasperation and said “I can’t call you Melissa because it means that you’ve been BAD!” After that, she was the only person I ever tolerated calling me Missy.”
2
Names are meaningless. I too was relentlessly teased in school for mine. Rather than submitting to the frailties of ego or the cruelty of others, I used it to nurture a sense of mindfulness and acceptance. It is unfortunate for the author she has missed out on this wonderful opportunity.
3
I did the same thing when my family and I moved to a new school district at 11/12 years of age(30 years ago). New school, new friends, new name. I hated the name my parents called me (my middle name). Day 1 at new school, sign the attendance sheet using my first name and I never looked back. The days when I went by my middle seem as though they are from a different life. There is, as was stated, a sort of tether from you to your parents that you have consciously and permanently snapped when you choose to have people call you by a name that you have chosen in place of the name your parents chose for you. It’s a decision that I am reminded of far more often than I ever thought I’d be when I made the decision.
4
@William Moore
My best friend's middle name was Andrew and his mother called him Drew, he dumped that really quickly in middle school that had an associated school named that for developmentally delayed kids.
I always used his first name anyway since we were toddlers together.
My middle name is “Nan” after Nan Bobbsey. I would take Jo any day. At least she is an enduring character. Moat people look at me and say Bobbsey twins who?
20
My husband is named after a winning Westminster Dog Show jet black cocker spaniel, "My Own Brucie." That's like naming your son Uno or JR. Turns out, my grandmother had one of his offspring. When I told my mother this, she said to my husband, "You mean you're named after a dog?!"
I'm named Susan, one of the most popular female names of the 50's. There were seven of us in my grade school class yet there was never confusion as to who the teacher was addressing. It was all in her tone. We knew. Today, the name just dates me, kind of like Doris or Helen.
19
@Susie B, same with my grade school class in New England. There were six of us Susans. And all of us were immediately called Sue, whether we liked it or not which I didn't. Back then I didn't correct people who called me Sue but now I do.
2
My own first name is both ugly, hard to spell and pronounce and was entirely "made up" by my mother.
During my childhood I had a nickname but at age 12 for whatever reason I decided to use my "real" first name and still do.
I also added a middle name as I hadn't been given one....so I was, on all records: ........ NMN (no middle name)........ !
2
I also hate my name.
I was born in the 1950s and my father named me after a male friend of his. Growing up in the deep south in the 1950s with a man's first name was horrible for a little girl.
The problem was not just having a 'wrong gender' name but the fact that the name sounds ugly to me.
My mother makes everything about her and is easily hurt so I never changed my name. She's in her 90s now and I know I'm going to change it eventually. I don't even have a new name picked out.
I might choose it at the Court House.
I'm going to be happy to finally lose the current one.
11
I was named after my mother, Ellen Callahan. It caused much confusion when people called on the phone. Which one? Then my mother became “Big Ellen” and I became “Little Ellen.” Along came adolescence and I grew to be foot taller than Big Ellen. More confusion. My mother passed away 10 years ago. I think of her whenever I say or write my name. I miss Ellen Callahan. Signed, Ellen Callahan
20
@Davy’s Mom
It used to be a regular practice for mothers to pass on name to daughters, just without junior, I don't know why.
Many in my family.
My poor Grandfather was a IV but he never used that and gleefully named his son something else.
It took centuries, but he did it!
4
@Davy’s Mom My mother and I have the same first, middle, and last names which caused all the expected confusion, even within the family. My dad began to call us "Big Lucy" and "Little Lucy," but my mother objected because she said it made her sound fat. My dad then settled on calling me "Baby Lucy" until I stopped answering to it at age six. Five decades later, my young nieces and nephews discovered the "Baby Lucy" nickname and have since delighted in calling me "Aunt Baby Lucy," to which I do answer. It makes me feel my father's presence and love.
7
@Ivy My mother and both grandmothers had the same (ugly) first name. I gave the same to my first child but we always called her by her lovely middle name.
Since 9/11, that’s become a real problem. She recently switched the names legally. And to my surprise and delight, she plans to give the ugly but traditional name to her own daughter someday
Decades ago, FAR more people shared the same name (Mary, John, etc). It is a relatively recent phenomenon that so many folks strive to give unique names. But even these become common—which you cannot always foresee.
The sixties provided the Tammy, Sherry, Wendy type names. Now there are the “long a” names: Caden, Jaden, Aiden, etc.
6
It is interesting that the name of the author’s child was all about her issues. Did the Father have any preferences...he also had a family.
7
My name was Boris. Around age 4 I changed it to Bob. I had recently been taken to a Boris Karloff movie, and that was that. Or so it seemed. In psychotherapy decades later I discovered the name change was my childish way of trying to escape some of the in-home terror I faced early on. Didn't work; children's escape plans are always unrealizable fantasies. But they mean something worth trying to understand.
4
@BF when I was in college I “changed” my middle name for probably the same reasons.
It went from a very plain middle name to a more exotic one that I just started using everywhere. It’s on my tax return and my drivers license, but not my birth certificate. I was afraid when I applied for SS this year it would be a problem. Nope.
1
I was named Jessica when I was born in the 1950s. It was not a common name at that time, but then suddenly in the late 1970s it became extremely popular, ending up in the top five girl names for several years. It didn't bother me too much until the late 1990s/early 2000s, when all of those (seemingly) millions of Jessicas became adults, and they were all over the place. I felt that the name was no longer mine, didn't fit me, and so I legally changed my first name to a very rare one from the 19th century (taken from one of my great-great-great grandmothers). My parents had passed by then, so it wasn't an issue with my family, and my siblings didn't have a problem with it (nor did I have a problem when they occasionally slipped and called me 'Jessie'). Now it's been almost 20 years with my new name, and I'm so glad that I changed it, the name feels 'mine'. Ironically, my new name has become trendy (though nowhere near the level of Jessica) but fortunately I won't be around to be annoyed by it becoming popular in 25 years time.
9
For many generations, my family's tradition was to name children after a beloved relative who had died. It saddens me that my children did not have the need for such tradition.
13
I thought Allison was a last name.
3
I don't like my legal first name, Theodore. It means "God's gift" in Greek. I find it pretentious, and I don't believe in a god that gives gifts. I've gone by Ted since childhood, and it's fine with me.
My biggest pet peeve is computer systems that insist on addressing people by the legal first name they have in their database. The staff of the doctor's office, the pharmacy, the fundraisers for the universities I attended, and even banks call me Theodore in an attempt to be (or to appear) friendly. But it only makes me angry. My doctor's staff will call me Ted when they remember to do that, but the computer system that occupies the majority of the time I spend there has no provision for recording what patients prefer to be called. (Something obviously of no importance to the MBAs who buy EHRs.)
At banks and pharmacies, whose computers also don't have any way to record what customers prefer to be called, I tell the clerks that "only computers call me Theodore, and you don't look like a computer." Sometimes they get it. But more often they just ignore me and insist on calling me Theodore.
I have written numerous times over the years to the officials in charge of alumni affairs at my alma maters. I respectfully suggest that they figure out a way to address alumni by the name they prefer, as a letter or fundraising call addressing a potential donor by a name they dislike will probably provoke anger rather than a donation. I have never received a reply.
12
Read your powerful comments through a couple of times, and I hear your frustration. We should be respected for our choices of names, 'allowed' if that's the right word to define ourselves through a name that matters to us.
That said, may I venture that if you have a partner or spouse, or children, or beloved friends, I'd bet you are a gift to them. Through the love you offer and embody, seems to me you come from Love, which I hope you'll allow me to name, as God? Thanks for your honest thoughts, Ted!
9
@Ted This isn't your situation, I know - My husband's legal name is a short version of a longer name, that is not his. When we get mail addressed to, or callers asking for, the long name, that is how I know to immediately hang up or throw the letter.
My mother liked the semi-rare diminutive of a common boy’s name and called me that despite legally assigning the full name. I remember first learning my real name in first grade! I grew up in a very small town and didn’t have to introduce myself to many strangers. The problems began in college and upon graduation I dropped the three-letter nickname and my confidence soared. I no longer had to repeat/explain my name and watch people struggle with it and, by extension, struggle with connecting with me. Life changing in every respect. Mothers—please think through those name choices.
12
When my mother told me I was named after a character in a book, I was elated. Then I read Little Women. Yes, I was named after Amy - the bitchiest of the March sisters. In my heart, I was Jo - or Meg - or even doomed kind Beth. ANYONE but Amy. But Amy I was cursed to be - by a mother that I guess read the story burning scene and was like - Oh look! A name for my unborn child - a vain and shallow namesake who. at least, ends up with the guy.
18
@Amy
I hated my name and hated that book even more.
I was an avid reader of adult books but could not tolerate that book. Hardly an adult book.
But I took it to hospital at 6 or 7 to get my tonsils out thinking at least I could read some of it, had complications and was there 3 days--but still couldn't tolerate that book. Even way medicated.
And my mother visited and said my softball team had finally won a game, with heavy implication that my absence was reason.
4
I don’t know that anybody likes the name their parents give them. I didn’t like mine in childhood, but as an adult I like it very much. It’s classic, easy and not common, the very things people seem to strive for in choosing names these days.
16
@Jane K - I second that.
6
My husband and I have taught a combined 62 years. It still amazes us that parents think “original” spelling is clever and cute.
I’m convinced all “cleverly” spelled names are given by parents with names like Jason and Susan.
Having a five letter first name spelled in a less usual way means even my relatives misspell it. I don’t care for my name, but it doesn’t determine who I am. And I cannot waste time being annoyed that it is misspelled.
21
@Babs Ah well, relatives and others can always mispell something. My dad's name is Doug (Douglas), but my maternal aunt for years (at least the first two decades of marriage), spelled it Dough. 100% true story. It still makes me laugh. Gosh he hated that.
1
I was named for Beth in Little Women. My mother always said Beth was too sweet to live. For some reason, I never found that strange, and I’ve always liked my named.
12
While we understood why our transgender adult child needed a new name that matched his identity, we felt great sadness when his birth name disappeared. The old name represented nothing but pain to him. But to his parents, it was special. Perhaps one day our society will establish a new naming tradition in this situation, one that could involve parents. In the meantime, our son is a hundred times happier than our daughter ever was.
54
I have the exact same experience. It is a loss for me but worth the happiness of my trans-son.
8
@Dwight Anderson
A friend’s nephew who transitioned asked his mother to choose his new name. He told her that she had given him his female name at birth and it was important to him that she choose his new name as well.
21
I never liked Joseph. I had a favorite aunt that called me that, and I was ok with that because I loved her and she had a brogue that made it sound nice. My Mom didn't want people to call me Joey, a common contraction among the Irish Catholic in Scranton. So I got stuck with Joe. It is what it is.
5
My son’s name is Joe. Not Joseph, just Joe.
When he was a toddler, someone asked him his name and he lisped, ‘Just Joe.’ Uh oh.
When he was a teenager, girls began to call him Joey. ‘Is Joey there?’ I couldn’t believe it. Joey had never occurred to me. For a few years, he referred to himself as Joey.
All his life, authorities (schools, doctor’s offices, etc.) have tried to make him Joseph. He gets junk mail addressed Joseph.
Now he’s Joe again. Not Just Joe. Joe. And I think he likes his name.
5
@Joe
The Irish are fond of the diminutive. I'm 71 years old and my mother (who came over from Armagh) still calls me Tommy. And the guys I worked with, many of whom were Irish Americans, were Jimmy, Frankie, Danny etc. But Michaels escaped Mikey and were simply Mike. Like "Irish Mike" from Sligo. But then Walter Jankokis, he was called "Lugan Wally".
8
Amen to the Irish love of the diminutive. My mother used a particular variation of the diminutive of my name that was a bit embarrassing. However, as my mother, she and she alone was allowed to call me by that name. When she died, I realized that no one would ever call me by that name again. Although the name referred to me, that name died with her.
3
My daughter just changed her name. I am crushed. I had maybe 20 nicknames that I affectionately called her based on her name. Her siblings are upset as well because she is linked to her name. Her new name I do not like. Her personality has changed as well. Her husband is upset by the personality chnage and is also struggling with using the new name. Before she changed it she made the case that it is her name so she should be the one who chooses it. This is rational and fair. But now I realize one's name is not just their own, it is a part of me and her loved ones as well. There is a sense of sadness for me and, I assume for her siblings and husband. Part of her is gone. It feels as if she is rejecting all the wonderful memories of her past with us and moving on to become a new person. I understand this may be a sign of growth, but it still saddens me.
44
@Lee
One of my kids wants to change their name and it makes me so sad too. I put a lot of time and thought into that gift and the rejection hurts. Still, I won't stop the change; it's more important to my kid than it is to me, even if it hurts.
10
@Lee No, it really isn't "part" of you and her other loved ones, any more than her gender identity or sexual orientation are (or her choice in romantic partners, hairstyle, clothing, etc.).
Part of her isn't gone. Part of your perception of her and expectations for her are gone. And those memories may not have been as wonderful for her as they are for you.
You are certainly entitled to your grief, but, please, share it with close friends, a therapist, a support group, etc., and let your daughter live her own life. This may be the most free she has ever felt (both from family but perhaps also her husband) in her existence. And you may want to explore why your own identity seems to be so wrapped up around your decisions regarding your (now adult) daughter's identity.
41
@Lee
You daughter had to answer to the name she didn't like all her life, so it was her name.
It's not that "part of her is gone." Its that she made an adjustment in her life to be happier.
A good move is to be happy for her.
24
I was given a feminized name of a recently dead grandfather. It was nine letters long and I remember in first grade taking forever to write it, finishing well after the other kids. Shortening the name gave me a boy’s name. I still don’t like my name.
My children have longer formal names that could be shortened to three letter nicknames.
2
@GiGi I feel your pain. I, too, was given the feminine form of a recently dead grandfather. It was unshortenable as well, to anything other than the masculine name of my grandfather. I endured countless hours (years?) of teasing because while my name couldn't be shortened to a cute nickname, it could be rearranged to more than a few hateful variations. Adding to the pain was a TV commercial that was incredibly popular when I was in elementary school...
I'm 60 years old, and have never changed it. I regret not having the courage of the author, when at 8 I wanted to change it to something else, but no one ever used it.
Maybe, before I die, I will find my "real" name and change it.
2
Why not use the longer form (i.e., Josephine) and let the kids find their own short version? Josie may have been better in school, Jo at home and Josephine at work.
8
I was named Linda in the early 50's. There were 4 Lindas in my 2nd grade classroom. I never like that name but might have been Sigrid (too ethnic Mim said) or Melanie (Dad though it sounded too much like - watermelon). I was named after Linda Darnell, a beautiful brunette (like Mom) movie star of that era. I turned out to be a blonde.
I took the name of Brandy in the mid 60's after the family moved, but kept my legal name. I liked my new name a lot and it changed my - identity. At the time it was kind of an unusual name, but no more... For a while I briefly called myself Rachel.
My mother would call me Brandy at times but I'm sure I would always be Linda to her. My dad never made the switch, but the rest of the family calls me Brandy.
Now that I'm older I feel a little mixed about this name, but it's too late to change.
I have a different one word business name that I occasionally use otherwise, so can still switch around if I want.
A name is an powerful and important thing. Just ask a numerologist.
1
@Brandy Danu agree. my parents used my father's first initial, and went with linda because in spanish it means 'beautiful'...
I felt a certain relief reading this---I thought I was alone in my dislike of my given name. And yes, you can guess my age range so easily; my grade school classes were full of multiple Lindas, Carols,Donnas, Debbies and Kathy/Cathys!
I was so surprised a few years ago when I expressed dislike of my name -- and my siblings and mother all asked, "well why didn't you change it?"
And while I long ago picked out the first (and last)name I would have loved to claim, over time I got used to my name. LIke it or not, it's become me.
8
@Linda
Only once ever did I run into another person with my first name, in grad school,he was a post doc and me Ph.D. student.
Spelled different but same sound, amazingly I was deemed 1 and him 2.
My given name is Elizabeth, but I have been called a now not-common diminutive, Betsy, my whole life. Only people of a 'certain age' realize that Betsy was once a common nickname of Elizabeth, but I've spent my life explaining this to others. Most people under 40ish ask if my name is Elizabeth Betsy. I use Elizabeth for all things official, but use Betsy for everything else, even though I really dislike Betsy.
When I went off to college many many years ago, I decided to use Elizabeth. I was so sad because I made few friends those first few weeks, but then realized it was because people were calling me Elizabeth and I wasn't responding!
It is a lesson I took to heart when naming my daughter, she is called her full first name -- no explanations required...except for the unusual spelling, but that's for another article.
9
@TrixieinDixie - Many people do not seem to know about traditional nicknames at all - that Sally is for Sarah, Molly for Mary, Jack for John, Peggy for Margaret, etc.
30
@PM
My sister has struggled with this all her life: Sarah (the 11th generation in the family), but called Sally. Each generation would skip --- Sarah one iteration, the next would be Sally. About one in 100 have ever heard of the contraction. Her IRS forms and bank statements are Sarah, but she's Sally to the world.
6
I just wish people would place an “E” on the end of some names... as in Anne-with-an-E.
11
@Female
Even when your name-with-an-E is immediately above!
1
In the past, jews named a newborn after the last relative that had passed so when you track genealogy, you can mostly tell when the previous relative died by the birthdate of their new namesake. Obviously, our ancestors did not struggle over whether cute little Jason should really be a Jacob.
I think we grow into our names or we take nicknames. I took a nickname though my hand automatically signs my given name. I also like that I am named with the first initial of my grandfather's name and my middle name is after his mother. Makes me feel connected to people who I can never know but who are responsible for my being here.
19
Not only in the past, Jews do it now. I'm named for my grandmother, as are many of my cousins. My son is named for my Dad. I love that connection.
1
I was named Kimberly for the family of my three greats grandmother, a very rare and androgenous name at the time. I am 76. I didn't like it and called myself Kim for a long time. I was always assigned to the boys gym classes which made my teen boyfriends giggle; my family babyized me as Kimmy - to this day but now spelled KimB for my last name. I started to use the whole name when I had business cards printed. I love it now bc it is grown up.
5
My father wanted me named after his late aunt Mary. My mother hated the name and ergo instead I am Amy - a super common first name in the early 1970s.
When I was a kid my ears stuck out like sugar bowl handles and I HATED it. Starting when I was 7 or so, I took one of my brother's really old and really too small baseball caps, pulled off the brim, pulled down the liner and slept with it as a beanie on my head every night in the hopes it would push my ears back. All I got though was a constant migraine and a nice red line across my forehead. One morning after a few weeks of this my mother finally asked me what the heck I was doing and I told her. She burst into tears and came home that night with my first copy of Little Women.
A baseball cap is not a clothespin but a name can be a powerful thing.
16
This is a lovely piece, appreciated all the more by me because I am acquainted with the author.
No matter our names or what we choose to do with them, I'd like to think they are chosen with love and care -- and represent our parents' hopes and dreams for us as they guide us into the world.
13
@Jane E. Herman
Unfortunately, for some, the name is more about the parent than the child.
7
We knew the weight and strength of a child’s name and we gave it a lot of thought while I was pregnant with our first daughter. We both wanted a non gender specific name for her. Seemed like all the babies at that time were named Taylor and Morgan. Good non gender specific names but too many! After trying a few options we finally settled on Michael. I had read somewhere it was originally a girls name. We both knew women named Michael and my husband’s name is Michael. So it made sense. Now had she been a boy, she would have been named Matthew. I think it’s been a little more of a burden for her but she’s never talked about changing it. I hope I would be happy for her if she changed it. You have to be who you are!
3
My father had a great interest in the Roman Empire and I am named for the greatest Roman of them all, Julius Caesar.
Always hated the name but in deference to my parents never had it legally changed.
Everyone who knew me growing up and family know me by my name, all others know me as JC.
Should have made it official years ago.
6
@JC My great grandfather was Lycurgus Leander Evitts, known as Curg according to my mother. The family farmed in western Ohio. His children were August, Bess, Ruth, Helen and Grace. Sense a pattern?
6
I always hated my name. When a nurse would open the door to the waiting room and take a breath as to gather her thoughts and plow through the name on the clipboard in front of her, I would stand and save her the trouble. Furthermore, despite having been inspired by an ancestor belonging to one culture, my name was extremely popular with a different one that was not our own, with people given to speaking to me in their language upon hearing it and then scowling when I did not respond in kind. So, as I started high school, I took advantage of the change to start going by a different name that wasn't so fraught.
Thirty years later, after hearing my birth name only when being interrupted by unsolicited callers who only 'knew' me by my legal name—and reading about people with 'ethnic' or other distinctive names being passed over for job interviews—I headed to the courthouse to make the change official.
It was my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, and I called them. I explained that whatever their answer, I was going to do it anyway—but their blessing would be nice. My dad said, 'I don't care!' And my mother said, 'You can change your name to Fred for all I care.' It was easier and less expensive than I had imagined.
My one regret? Only after the fact did I realize I once had a perfect NPR name, and I should have gone into radio.
19
I changed my name since everyone in my immediate family has a first name with a common initial and for a long time lived under the same roof. I added a middle name to distinguish me from the rest of the pack. The middle name I chose referenced my birthdate and the language of the woman who was like a second mother to me. I legally changed my name without a lawyer (filled out a form, placed a notice in a legal newspaper) when I was a freshman in college. Since then I've received many compliments regarding my name. And as I had anticipated, the middle name was needed as I have received calls and mail regarding matters that pertain to other family members, despite the fact we now live in different locations!
4
I'm one of four children, all now middle aged, none of us like our names! My two brothers changed theirs to completely different names, this despite having pick of first and middle names (Michael, Stephen, Kenneth, Alan -- white bread 60s-70s names) and Hebrew/Jewish names (Moshe, Levi, Shaya, Dov/Ber). Each one picked a truly unique new name and while our living mother was mystified, she accommodated. Though I was told that I was "grandfathered in," one brother is annoyed when I slip-up -- I try. As for my sister and I, I've never liked my first or middle names, but was/am perhaps too conventional to change. My sister, born in 1971, is -- of course -- Jennifer. Only one life to live, make yourself happy when no one else is really affected.
9
Parents tempted to give their new baby a cute name should consider how it will sound on an adult.
64
@Bill Scurrah
I've long said something similar - that they should consider what it will be like going through middle school with that name. "A Boy Named Sue" is a great song, but really terrible parenting advice.
11
Say all the Bambis in the assisted living facility.
6
I have a one syllable name which I don’t like but have lived with. I didn’t want to hurt my parents’ feelings by changing it. I think the name was popular in the 50s because of Hollywood. Personally I don’t like female one syllable names. They sound flat and harsh and are not pretty.
5
@Hothouse Flower
You might enjoy this:
Anne Bancroft in YMA DREAM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdagPyHgfFg
13
@jim
Thank you ~ that's hilarious!
7
This is a subject that has come up before and I also responded to that one.
My given name was Ruth and once I learned the story of Ruth from Sunday School, I knew I HATED the name. I was never going to be a "whither thou goest, I will go. Your people will be my people..." I was/am more of a if you want to be with me, you will come with me.
I chose to take my maternal grandmother's maiden name as my first name and my mother's maiden name as part of my last name, which I hypenated with my father's last name. I love it and I think my mother was more than ok with it. I did ask her before I did it legally.
So I say, if it makes you happy, change your name. If it makes you happy keep your given name. It's yours to do with what you want.
37
The very proper Jane Austen observed how common the urge to alter one's name is:
"Sally, or rather Sarah (for what young lady of common gentility will reach the age of sixteen without altering her name as far as she can?)..
From "Northanger Abbey"
Lots of us do this, with little fanfare, in the US. The practice may be even more common among men, who opt for heroic sobriquets ("Deerslayer" is in reality Natty Bumpo; "Digger Barnes's" real name was actually Willard).
So change your name if you like, but it's not particularly pathfinding (:-) )
14
What are you complaining about? The late rock composer Frank Zappa named his kids Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet and Diva.
26
Isn’t Cher’s daughter Chastity? And isn’t Goop’s child Apple? I’d rather be Dweezil than either of those.
37
@Enlynn Rock Cher's daughter is now a son named Chaz. I guess he didn't feel like his name quite fit either.
26
@Enlynn Rock
The daughter is Apple and the son is Moses. And if Goop continues to prosper, they will inherit the earth.
1
Much ado about nothing.
J. Allison ---- would have solved the problem.
The first name in many societies might be after someone deceased, a relative more often than book character. The middle name chosen for personal reasons.
Examples: J. Edgar Hoover. What did he have against John? Who knows.
J. K. Rowling-- what does she have against Joanne Kathleen? Likewise.
9
@Joshua Schwartz
The reason that Rowling published as JK instead of Joanne Kathleen is well known - sexism in the publishing industry and among male readers. She's not the first woman to resort to the use of initials or a gender ambiguous name to get a foot in the door.
89
Great article. While I was content when my vanilla name Patricia morphed into the nickname Trish, most of my childhood was spent longing to be named the much more glamorous Alexandria.
18
My parents named me an ordinary, although somewhat uncommon name, that I don't particularly think fits me. I always felt it too complicated to change it, and I know my mother would not understand. So for now I'm content to rebel only in the varied spellings that Starbucks uses.
19
Hi Allison and all,
I've always felt the same way Allison did about my given name. I went thorugh many names in school, even though most people say my given name is pretty. It gets mispronounced, and it's pretty on other people, just not on me. I truly feel at peace with my preferred name Dolores. I feel it is a symbol of my power and strength. Choosing my name lets me choose my path. Although I have not changed it legally yet, just asking family and friends to call me Dolores. I mean no disrespect to my parents, just that I've always felt the name they gave me doesn't fit. When I introduce myself with my new name, I feel empowered, strong and confident. I've even had people remark on what a lovely name it is. I also like it because it is not trendy or common. I feel empowered when I introduce myself with my new name.
14
@AllisonM
Well said.
You speak the truth for many people.
1
When my beautiful, strong, beloved daughter threatened to arrive more than 3 months premature, the only gift I could give her in that moment was a name. We chose a name that conveyed strength and God's blessing. Her namesake was chosen for a great purpose and blessed by God with unexpected miracles.
I plan to tell her the story of her name as she grows. If she chooses to change it, I will honor that choice (she is already a strong-minded little girl!) but in my heart, I know that she will always be my much-blessed, miraculous child.
35
At least the author's parents agreed on her name. Mine was a battlefield. God forbid that my parents should ever have agreed on anything and that includes my name. I was the 3rd of 5 children, the 2nd boy and, as far as we know, the only whose name had any significance beyond what to call the baby. My mother wanted to name me after my father. My father was just as determined that I not be named after him. My father's mother wanted me named after her father-in-law. So I got my great grandfather's name as my first name and my father's name as my middle name. That should have been the end of it except my mother insisted on calling me by my middle name. Since that's what my mother called me it's also what most of the rest of the world called me and I called myself. My father, however, always called me by my first name and my grandparents went back and forth between the two. As a small child I wasn't terribly aware of the discrepancy. Depending on who was talking I might either respond to or ignore either name. It didn't become an issue for me until my nasty, hateful 3rd grade teacher made a stink about me signing my papers with my middle name. Outside of her class I continued to use my middle name until jr. high when I switched to my first name just because it made life easier. Still most of the family and anyone connected to them uses my middle name. When signing a letter or card I always have to stop and think about which name to use.
22
@jim My parents divorced when I was very young. My name must have been one of the only things they agreed on....
9
I prefer my middle name, Lynn, like the author's mom's name, to my first name, which shall remain a secret. With my friends, I go by my first name, but when I write, I write as R. Lynn Barnett. I've had many friends tell me they didn't really like their names, and they go by a nickname. When we got our dog, she wagged her tail at the name my husband said to her, but remained wagless when I offered my suggestion. Sometimes I wish we could pick our names as babes, but I guess since our moms carried us around for 9 months, (or in my case 7, I was a preemie), they should have some say-so in the matter. I had read in Time magazine a few years ago, that many babies of that year had Lynn as part of their names, like Carolyn, so I guess I'm just a babe ahead of my "time."
3
@R Lynn Barnett
My sister was born in 1973. In her kindergarten class there were 13 girls, 3 Jennifer Lynn's and 11 total whose middle name was Lynn.
7
@Di
In my 1968 high school graduating class, five of us girls had Lynn as a middle name. Do the math....
3
My mom was born in ‘54 and is a Lynn (note this is earlier than the peak you cite).
I was born in ‘72 and am an Emily.
10 years after my birth, my name became the most common name for girls, and remained so for 20 years.
People assume both of us are much younger than we are, because of this temporal pattern in names. It’s a good trick, if you can master it. Arrange to have a name that is common among people 10-20 years younger than you. If you’re 60 today, be a Heather. If you’re 40 today: be a Sophie. If you’re 30: be an Emme or a Jace.
12
Lovely piece. I too was named after a character in Gone With the Wind. My mother was reading the book when she was pregnant. She told me she like the characteristics of that character and wanted me to have the same. As a child, I hated my name. I thought it was ugly. I didn't want to be named after that character. She was plain and weak, or so I thought. When I reached my 30s, I changed my name for a few reasons. After my mother's death, I added the first initial to my new name to honor her choice for me. Names matter. Because of my own name issues, I've always asked people for their name story. It's amazing how many don't know/were never told. Thank you, Allison. I'm going to pick up your book.
5
@Mel Thanks for sharing this! Of course I agree: names matter, indeed.
3