This is one of the most moving pieces of writing I have ever read. I re-read it out loud to two of my best friends today for 45 minutes and it was even better the second time. No joke, I was sobbing and laughing simultaneously (which I do sometimes when I am really moved by a work of nature or art) at multiple points. Just two of these overwhelming moments were naming a tiger "Fierce but Love" and pondering the existence of the horsefly toothfairy (of course horseflies have teeth).
Also, the back-and-forth between G's mysterious behavior, her obsession with mystery stories and the mystery genre as a whole was so flipping intelligent and well-executed. Took this piece to a whole other level.
I must say, after reading it the first time and reading many of the comments, I was deeply dismayed by the general response and began questioning whether it really was as good as I had thought. After a second reading I have no doubt. I will cherish "The Case of the Angry Daughter" for the rest of my life. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1
Stepping back from the back and forth discussions about the possible sources of children’s emotional distress, common-sense parenting, solutions for extreme behavior, etc., I have to say that I was taken aback that a parent would objectify her child to the point of writing an overly long and painfully, repetitively detailed, *published* account of her daughter’s egregious behavior and unrelieved distress. Do we not all know at this point that “the Internet is forever”? How will her daughter feel, knowing that this painful chapter of her life — and all the comments on it — is available indefinitely for public scrutiny? The clinical, ruminative,‘inquiring’ attitude demonstrated in this essay — apparently unaccompanied by timely external inquiry or consultation re: the source or driving forces of such ongoing emotional upheaval — suggests a similar lack of recognition of what’s realistic, expectable, and acceptable, and what requires input and support from experienced 3rd parties.
I find it disturbing that the author doesn't appear to have told her daughter's teacher what was going on at home, nor did she seek advice from a pediatrician or professional counselor. The little girl's behavior was extreme, lengthy, and relentlessly painful for her and her parents. It's hard to understand why they didn't try to get some help for her instead of just waiting it out and hoping for the best. Also, it's frightening for a small child to feel that their parents have no control over them. It's important to be empathic, but it's also important to communicate to a child that screaming and making impossible demands aren't acceptable.
6
I found this story moving and powerful, and was surprised at the hostility and downright hatefulness of some of the comments. Something I don't usually see on the NYTimes. Why? We all know it is much easier to critique others' parenting than to parent in real time. And keep in mind that this is a memoir-based essay. It has its own point to make, and thus many of the details of the actual experience (consultation with husband, teacher, doctor, etc.) may have been left out of this particular narrative. It is not a parenting guide, but rather a story, written by a loving mother and gifted writer, sharing certain elements of her thought and experience.
4
What a waste of a story. Although the topic is interesting, the story rambles then ends abruptly without any explanation for the child's behavior.
4
Helicopter parenting does not result in secure, attached children.
2
As a relatively old fogey (62), I was taken aback by the disrespectful manner in which the child spoke to her mother--"I hate you," etc. I understand the children say such things occasionally, but to let it become a normal part of the parent-child interaction, as the author implies, strikes me as disrespectful in the extreme. I know that I would never have been permitted to speak to my parents in that manner. And, I'm fairly certain that I never told them I hated them to their faces, even if I may have thought it from time to time. My siblings and I were not allowed to speak to one another in that manner. It seems to me that the toleration of that kind of speech between parents and children erases boundaries of respect and decency that are necessary in all human interactions.
6
I've shared this essay's concluding paragraph with a few of my friends and relatives, since it's such a great metaphor. I love the double meaning of "paradise" at the end:
“G.’s grandmother, who has four children and 12 grandchildren, once told me that raising children is like being moved around in a theater. When children are very young, you are the director of the play of their life. Later you have front-row seats for what is happening with them. Then maybe fourth-row seats. They get older, and you, the parents, get to watch from the front of the mezzanine. But you keep getting moved farther back. Eventually you’re so far, you’re in the seats they used to call paradise.”
2
Your her parent not her friend. If she is acting out than discipline her its that simple
5
Left to right, then right to left, and so on, is how the ancient Greeks wrote!
The author has to consider PANS/PANDAS. These conditions cause neuropsychiatric symptoms and abrupt personality changes and are treatable. A misdirected immune response to infections causes inflammation in the brain. The rages she describes are a very common symptom, as well as the handwriting changes. I know because my son has PANS and we spent nine months trying to figure out why he suddenly hated school.
8
Thank you for sharing this deeply personal story. You are not alone, no matter how much it may feel like you are. My son went through a very similar phase when entering kindergarten. Eventually he worked through it, but now he is 10 and his anxieties have shifted to other things. He still refuses to do many basic things, still demands that I play checkers on the red board NOW, and he still demands my immediate attention when he calls my name. We have raised his twin sister the exact same way, but every child is different. All we can do as parents is to keep listening, keep observing, and to keep trying to solve the mystery. Ignore those comments that say that you should be acting differently. No one can understand what this is like unless they have a child with these qualities.
1
Thank you. I am not a parent but I do love my Proust, and I do believe the old boy would have loved this.
2
Clearly the daughter wanted her mom to be a detective to figure out what was bothering her. Clearly something was very wrong at school (look up school refusing, it’s real). Clearly the daughter was furious at her all powerful mother for not helping her. Nice writing but so tragic to not seek professional help for a child so clearly in pain.
6
Too often children act out after being traumatized in a desperate attempt at getting help; but they aren’t heard. I hope it wasn’t that G was abused and mom finds out years later.
2
I was not surprised by G.’s behavior. My two children, in their 40’s, act like this.
1
From whom did they learn how to act that way?
This poor child has PANS/PANDAS. She doesn’t need a therapist..... not yet! She needs a doctor well versed in PANDAS. She has an infection in her brain which causes these exact symptoms. It’s a shame people don’t question an infection first. Try to treat it. If it works, you know! It is much more prevalent than you think. Doctors and schools are just so quick to diagnose with a psychiatric or behavioral problem and treat it. That does nothing if there is an infection! Treat the infection first! Then seal therapy for learned behaviors, etc. Trying to talk to an injured brain to start with does NOTHING.
8
Mom is obviously intelligent, a professional writer deemed worthy enough to grace the pages of the Grey Lady.
We're not told anything about the dad, but presumably mom married a smart lad.
G seems precocious for a 5 year old. How many kids that age can draw recognizable figures with symbolism? Her vocabulary, the way she speaks, even if it's mixed with impotent rage?
This will all turn out fine, seems some commenters didn't read all the way to the end and discover how things already appear to be calming down. Oh and we're told nothing about the kindergarten, but it reads as though it's for the "privileged" set. Not a public school in East New York . . .
1
Kids do not make up words or phrases , they learn them . Mostly at home . I feel sorry for this kid more than her pathetic mother who never wanted her in the first place. Trying to figure out where to put her when she was a week old. Now all her mother's fears of her leaving her when she gets older are transplanted on this poor kid who didn't want to go to school.
Wow - they'll all be in therapy for the next 20 years - nice job mom
2
@Richard Kushner trying to pawn off her one week old was a red flag to me as well. poor G
2
Everyone is angry and miserable. Why should children be exempt from this phenomena? They have become mini-adults missing out on the luxury of not having your life structured in early childhood, missing out on the freedom of a one to one interaction with an unhurried, undistracted parent. They are not objects ( nor attachments) that you fit into your pre-existing life.
She is no different from any child in the 21st C. Something has gone wrong. Discontent is contagious. Why is there so much overthinking and oversharing? Why is it that "no" longer means no? Where has the respect for authority gone? Why let your child think they have sway over you? Who wants a 7 year old that acts like a 25 year old? I think of the BrettKs of the world & the 14 year old murders. It is not just about you even at 5. You have to begin sensitizing them to the pain of others and the fact that selfishness breeds massive unhappiness. There is a world outside of having your own needs met instantaneously.
However, bratty behaviour must be distinguished from mental illness.
And, it really bothers me reading these narcissistic rants in the NYTimes.
5
Sounds like a power struggle to me, with the mother adding the complicating factor of treating her child's issue as some kind of fiction story that she might write following one of the many models she quotes. It's one thing to observe and use real life in fiction but it's another to manipulate even stimulate issues and then write about them.
3
Why would you write about the intimate life of your 5 year old ‘disguised’ as G and publish it under your name!
Once she is under the inevitable future therapy perhaps you can give weekly updates on her good and bad days. Truman reality mentality...
Seriously did I miss something?
4
@Eli agree!
This is one of the strangest stories that I've ever read. I can't imagine an (seemingly) educated parent reacting to their child's behavior in this manner. I think they all need some counseling.
12
This piece arrested my morning routine, such gorgeous profound writing, thank you Rivka Galchen for sharing yourself with all of us.
14
@Beth Lorey really????
1
This article was way beyond upsetting to me. Upsetting in that the child clearly was suffering. Upsetting in that the mother (apparently) did not contact a doctor about her daughter’s behavior and did the diagnosis - whatever it was - herself. Upsetting in the behavior itself on the part of the child - taking 2 hours to fall asleep, hitting her mother, screaming at her mother.
I’m no child-rearing expert but I have a son and a daughter. My daughter was unusually sensitive. I had a mother with severe mental illness. I know myself what fear is - fear of school and separation. Riding out behaviors such as G’s seems very counter-productive to me. I wonder what the years ahead will be like for G. I sense a perilousness about them.
11
I agree, this killed me. I can't for the life of me understand how this child's cry for help became fodder for a writer.
11
I loved this. Beautiful writing. I'm not a parent, not even close. But I loved reading this so thank you.
2
I HATED school with so much passion as a young girl that I cried myself sick every morning to try and miss school (sometimes I succeeded). My mother, who worked outside the house, was running out of her wits on what to do. Looking back as an adult, I realize it was fear of being crammed in an overcrowded class, with some outright abusive teachers, was the root cause that I could not verbalize from fear and confusion. It all came out as incoherent and seemingly irrational fear of school. After all, I was well-trained never to criticize a teacher or any other authority figure. I really wish my parents had access to a good therapist at that time. I still would not like to goto back to that school. Sadly, it was way better (and more expensive) a choice than other local options. Also, I was fortunate to finally have a decent teacher in 4th grade, when I officially started to love school.
I feel sad for the kid and her poor mother.
3
Possibly pans or pandas? My son had it and I had to go to 5 doctors before one tetsed for strep with blood work. I was offered a psychiatrist and meds before they even checked his labs?! Insanity at it's finest. His twin told me I need to some see him and he thought he was dying. His personality was different, he wasa fearful of dying, yest still a happy boy. I hope labs were done on this kid. I was only persistant because I have an older daughter with brain damage and cp from a breech birth nad have read much about the brain, neurological system and anatomy over the last few decades. Ridicaulous when asking for lab work is brushed off and mental meds are given. A first time parent may have sent him to his room. I was sure to inform all Drs previously that we went to as wel as my new Dr. It is not a new thing by any means. Just being noticed more so. Wisj children did not suffer and I hope they figure out the issue at hand here.
5
How exhausting. LW, wow, never let your child treat you the way you described without setting boundaries. Acknowledge her anger but let her know this is not the way to express it. Then ask her what she's feeling. Give her the words that help identify her feelings and teach her to talk out what's going on. The whole story felt like she was challenging you to set boundaries and you just let them float right over you.
8
This is a horrible, heartbreaking narrative. A child isn't a character in a mystery novel. Did it occur to "the detective" that G. might benefit from medical or psychological help? Obviously not.
8
Children’s attorney here. Also mother of five. You’ve got big problems on your hands. Allowing your child to strike you, scream at you, manipulate you- you need help to learn how to control a young child. Further, your child needs a mental health evaluation. She is working through a lot of issues and may need a mental health diagnosis and treatment. And please contact the school and tell all. I assume you spoke to the teacher immediately and throughout, and that part was just left out of your piece. No way did you wait til the first parent teacher conference. This is not just quirky behavior, this is real suffering, all the way around. You need help.
17
@Carla right on...
Hi, as an child secual abuse survivor, i suggest you think around those lines and have this conversation with your daugther, someone hurting her could be a reason why she does not want to arrive to school and a reason why she does not want to be alone or without you there to protect her. Abusers are often people who we trust, from her teacher to the police officer who took her inside to a janitor or someone at school. Please investigate and have a discussion with tour daughter anout it.
7
@Giuliana All the people you mentioned interacted with her AFTER the behaviors began, I think.
I see a basic problem when a mother allows/accepts her child working out frustration by kicking or punching her.
10
Here is why - because she has PANDAS, it's triggered by a strep infection and starting kindergarten makes perfect sense for the onset. The behaviors you've described match the symptomatic profile. See Saving Sammy and Childhood Interrupted both written by Beth Alison Maloney. Check out PANDAShelp.com
7
I didn't hear the parent ask G. why?: she was crying or angry or not wanting to go to school...G asks many questions and gets a response. She doesn't clam up. Why is plain and simple. Her school avoidance lasted far too long and you still do not know...why. And neither has she been settled internally, ready for the next avoidance. Unburden her, please.
5
Please consider neurological causes for this kind of behavior. Particularly inflammation and possible Basel Ganglia Autoimmune Encephalitis - also sometimes referred to as PANDAS or PANS. We lived through similar behaviors. Infections can cause inflammation that results in neurological symptoms. See www.pandasnetwork.org. And check out the books “Saving Sammy” or “Brain on Fire:My Year of Madness.”
5
Every parent should consider sending their kids to a well regarded martial arts school. What’s a ‘good’ one? Kids are never yelled at, the place is clean, there is a set schedule for rank tests and specific skills listed as a requirement for promotion to the next rank. The kids will learn self confidence, they will learn there is a difference between self defense and offensive self.
Taekwondo is popular for a reason, it’s organized, it’s available almost everywhere, students and instructors are supportive, higher ranks in a ‘good’ school are required to help lower ranks learn proper technique. Kids make friends. I’ve seen children go from withdrawn and physically inept to smiling and confident in mere months. No therapy necessary.
i really enjoyed this article. i don't have kids but i remember being 5 and thinking my mom was an alien. Thanks to doctor dolittle i bonded with pets and wanted to move to africa and talk to the animals, i also remember playing with matches starting a fire, etc. nancy drew would be a few years later along with every horse story. id love to hear more about g as she ages. almost 1rst grade?
2
I think you handled the situation perfectly! You observed, waited, asked for help, let your child express herself. My heart was in knots for you bc my child is similar. I am saving this article!
1
Your child is a poet! I love her use of language!
I also had an extremely challenging kid. Extremely bright - highly energetic, sensitive and creative. He did not learn the non-verbal rules of engagement with his peers until late in the game. It wasn't until high school that he really connected with other kids and made real friendships. It was an isolating experience to be among other parents whose children appeared to me to be easy and content most of the time. I felt their scrutiny, and agonized about my son's "otherness". At the same time, I knew that I needed to trust my gut, and resist trying to bend him into a "normal" kid. Don't let the judges on this site make you feel badly about your parenthood. Obviously, fits of rage that include physical lashing out is not ok. Get help if you feel you need it - I did - and it was, at times useful. The truth of the matter for us is that my son WAS different. He needed a lot more from us as he moved through childhood than our other children. Having gotten through many hard years, I now see places we could have done things differently but also that we did the best we could. He's now teaching elementary school. He's a solid, strong young man who is empathic toward the children he teaches and mentors. The children who stand "outside the circle" are lucky to have him in the classroom. His life experience gives him insight that others can benefit from.
Nurture that poet - that detective of yours! She sounds amazing.
6
@kaliapad She sounds like she's desperately asking for help, for a grownup in the room. Why do some parents insist that their chilren's acting out indicates some sort of special preciousness? It isn't. There are often physical or mental health issues at play, aside from the adults' lack of any boundaries whatsoever. This is a form of abuse.
10
Here is why - because she most likely has PANDAS, it's triggered by a strep infection and starting kindergarten makes perfect sense for the onset. The behaviors you've described match the symptomatic profile. Ruling out an infection should have been the first step. I know this to be true because it happened to me. See Saving Sammy and Childhood Interrupted both written by Beth Alison Maloney and the author's website.
10
As a trained children's mental health professional with over 40 years of experience, I read this article, hoping that the author had left out all of the conversations she was having with the child's pediatrician and her team of mental health professionals who were all actively working with her to address this child's experience. I evaluate hundreds of people every year, and one of my first questions to parents is when they first noticed problems and what kinds of evaluations and professional help they sought.
9
What a gorgeous, gorgeous piece. It moved me to tears. Thank you.
2
@Harriet Brown moved me to tears to.....for poor little G who was desperate for a stable parent who wouldn't let her child hit and kick her.
2
I've been substitute teaching for the past year in St Paul public schools and, believe me, there is serious craziness going on in many of these classrooms. I often wonder if parents really know what their kids go through everyday; the stress hormones of many children in these schools must be skyrocketing on a daily basis.
5
I wish this child well. I think she didn't have a best friend because she unconsciously considered her mother to be her best friend - perhaps they were too enmeshed. Her mistreatment of her mother may have been her attempt at separation. Along with many other commenters, I would have chosen therapy for the child.
9
Stange. I thought I was reading the screenplay of a movie starring McKenna Grace.
As a mother of six, ages 5 to 17, I don’t have the luxury to allow a child to dominate me or our household as this child was allowed to do. And with clear boundaries, they don’t. There is room for feelings, but not atrocious behavior. I can listen to their angst while still being in charge. This is the role of a parent; letting kids know they are important, but not the center of the universe. We owe that to them, as well as the to the broader society.
27
White kids talk to their parents in public that way these days, but not Asian kids, or black kids. Very generally speaking. I do see many exceptions, of course. But the ethnic difference in family dynamics is really remarkable. Young white mothers and fathers kowtow and grovel to their children in restaurants and stores, as if their children were clients or dinner party guests.
White kids run around and shout in public, getting chased by parents who can barely keep up, because they are carrying everything the child might want in a week in their hands or balanced on a huge stroller. The white families tend to speak in a higher volume in general, drawing attention to themselves.
15
Please consider a play therapist or art therapist. She is trying to communicate something she cannot put words to. Parenting today is so hard....it will be good for her and for you.
8
Congratulations! Your precious baby is becoming a person, someone who has a mind of her own and is not entirely under your control. This is what you opted for by becoming a parent. She will go through many more “phases” until adulthood and beyond. For the record, I hated kindergarten and refused to go, according to my mother, but then in my 20s went abroad to study and earned a Ph.D. Go figure. People change, especially children. If you wanted to have an obedient creature to do what you want them to do, you might have done better with a cat or dog rather than a child.
1
I’m assuming this is a real situation and not fiction. Reminded me when I was a child in school — shamed, bullied, embarrassed, rejected, overwhelmed, alone, abandoned. You need to listen to her. I mean really listen and feel her. Sit down and talk. Let her talk. You, listen and feel. Let her know you got her back.
2
Please set boundaries for your kid!!!! A child should never hit an adult or scream the way your child screams. She needs help
23
As a parent, grand-parent, former teacher - this article was an exrucitating read. The mother's self-absorption was evident in the numerous digressions that proved her erudition and wittiness. Always leading away from the child (in spite of the apparent relevance). The superficial effort to examine and understand the child's attempt to communicate through drawings, for example, is hard to comprehend. Seek the easiest explanation: the child was being bullied at school, perhaps in those interstitial moments between being dropped off and arriving at the safe haven of the classroom.
15
Good read. It looks like a compilation of shrink's notes though.
1
Dear Rivka,
What beautiful writing! I was told by a very wise person, 'we worry about the kids who do not express themselves, those who are silent, not the ones who express themselves.' For all the people advocating medication and DSM diagnoses, this is precisely what is wrong with our society. Let your child rage and draw and speak and please do not listen to the people who let fear rule their lives. Bravo! You should write a book:)
4
@Audrey Jajich
so
letting a five year old kick and hit her mother is acceptable behavior?
and having a mother feel disappointed that she cannot drop off her child at day care when the child is one week old is normal?
in which 'society' would that be?
2
Thanks for giving away the ending of Roger Ackroyd without any warning - I just bought it today and was looking forward to reading it!!!
5
G’s grandmother’s story about moving back further and further in the theater is almost an exact replica of the Frog and Toad story. In the Frog and Toad story, who is on the high wire? Is it the parent or child?
1
Did these behaviors even exist decades ago? I don’t mean they weren’t diagnosed... did they actually occur with anywhere near the frequency of today? Like ADD, autism, etc. There must be something about our current society that creates a violent rejection reaction in children. Or is it in our diet? All of the above, surely.
3
I am a lone voice, so far in reading the comments, in finding it very disturbing that a child of 5 is exposed to that type of violent content, and one can only assume that type of narcissistic nasty behavior in her environment. She must hear others speaking to each other that way somewhere and she has obviously internalized a lot of violence that is spilling out in her own gifted imagination. Sure, Nate the Great and Encyclopedia Brown are appropriate for kids that age, but murder mysteries, zombies, vampires, etc.? In my opinion, if you're feeding that bright little mind with evil thoughts, those thoughts are coming right back out at you. I suspect there is more going on in this family that is not included. Violence begets violence. It is learned behavior.
15
I read the whole article and the mystery isn't even solved at the end. I feel a lack of closure. However, since she went to a new school and the problem was solved indicates that there was something going on at the school and could have been looked into further.
7
In my own experience, if your child hates school look first to the teacher. Parent/teacher conferences are no substitute for listening to your child. I remember the name of my kindergarten teacher. I do not remember the names of my first and second grade teachers. I just know I was miserable during those years and they probably negatively impacted my relations with every teacher I had after. I don't know what detective stories have to do with this but my take on it is that you should find her another school.
1
As the mother of a child who was eventually diagnosed with early onset bipolar disorder, I think most of the responses to this essay wrongly assume that there is only one answer to the mystery the author describes in this literary meditation on the mysteries of parenthood. Even a diagnosis provides only one clue to the larger mystery, which extends to attempting to comprehend what this experience looks like from the child’s own perspective, how to navigate one’s own responses to their hurtful behavior and obvious distress, and—perhaps most difficult—how to respond in ways that are both loving and helpful. Responses that might be entirely appropriate to socially unacceptable behavior on the part of most children, for instance, can be ineffective and even counterproductive in responding to similar behaviors by a child struggling with mental illness or working out their uncomfortable feelings in direct ways with parents they trust to hear and love them rather than repressing those feelings out of fear that they will be rejected or punished. I, for one. deeply appreciated this honest account of one parent’s struggle to understand and do what might be best for her own particular child and situation
10
Because of school calendar age requirements my girls attended kindergarten closer to age six. It made all the difference.
3
This child sounds precocious. I'm glad it finally worked out for her. However, I think that there is no harm in asking the school if a parent can sit in on a class for a day or two (or more, if necessary) to A) help the child adapt to the new environment and B) see how things are going and if and why there may be problems.
I remember when I was in kindergarten (ages ago), there was a mom who sat in on our class every day, all the time.
I heard of a school in New England where they wanted to improve their lunch program. Part of the plan was to allow parents to participate in the lunchroom for a certain number of days per month. They may have even helped in the kitchen, too. I'm not sure.
Other commenters have suggested that children need not be confined at so early an age. I would add that when you go to the supermarket, etc., you see children running up and down the aisles. They can't keep still. It's the same in the parks, on the playground, even in the neighborhood in front of their buildings. Children need to be physically active. Their muscles, bones, and all the rest are growing rapidly. They need to exercise their bodies as much as their minds. They used to call it "growing pains." Having children sit in formation at desks all day--at any age--may be counterproductive.
School gardens are one way to encourage movement--in a productive, creative, and educational way.
As far as detective stories go, I loved reading Nancy Drew stories when I was young. What a hoot.
3
When I learn, or read, about cases such as yours and/or others much closer to home, I always ask myself: Would a rural mother in Mozambique have these kinds of issues? Did our mothers have the same kind of issues when they had five children, instead of one? What are we --current Western societies-- doing to our kids?
14
Many ask 'Why send a child to a place where they are so unhappy?' There is little indication that the child was unhappy at school. It may have been reassuring for the mother to know sooner that the child's disposition in school was sunny and positive. I worked on an inpatient unit for young children with psychiatric issues. As often as I could manage I let parents observe their child's behavior before the child was aware of their presence. The vast majority of the time they were playing games and interacting well with other children. If the child's behavior reflected their typical behavior during the day I would make sure the parent was aware that was the case. Certainly it is permissible to inquire about and possibly observe surreptitiously her daughter's behavior at school rather than wonder about the terrible things that might be going on.
2
I have taught first grade for 18 years. Children react differently to being required to go to school for a whole day. The children who are the most successful at adjusting are those whose parents reach out to the teacher right away. Parents and teachers need to work together to ensure a successful school experience. If a child is fighting going to school, a parent's first step should be to speak with her teacher. A primary teacher is not just there to teach a child ABCs. We are trained in child behavior. I do not understand how Ms. Galchen could have waited until November conferences to discuss G.'s adjustment issues. This presents like yet another affirmation of the diminished value our society places on educators and their roles in children's lives. At Back to School Night, the first thing I ask parents is to please let me know if their child has a concern about school-be it friendships, homework, academics, or attendance. I can't help solve a problem when I do not know about it. Perhaps, G. needed to see her family and school integrated into a loving circle of care. A conference with teacher and mom and child would have gone a long way in accomplishing that end.
18
I loved every word of this. Please invite more of these essays. PArenting is so mysterious.
7
This essay is so, so beautiful. Thank you for writing it. I have been there as both the parent and the child.
4
Please be careful, this may not be over. I have a child who refused to go to high school most days, and now has enrolled in college but struggles to attend. This may be an epidemic, actually.
3
My daughter was an angry kindergartener, and she, too, saved her anger for me at home. She stayed angry for a long time. After years of therapy starting in grade school, in her mid-twenties she was finally correctly diagnosed as Bipolar II and finally found the right medication. Now she's married and has a child, though that's certainly not a "happy ending"--the struggle continues for her as it does for all of us. The author presents an engaging story that makes good use of the detective story leitmotif, but it relies on Tennessee Williams-style character motivation of the smothering mother causing everyone's problems. If she'd just let go--sit in that fourth row in the theater--everyone would have room to grow and flourish! Hmm. Maybe, maybe not. She might need you to be the director some days even when she's 16. It's hellishly difficult to find the right "parenting style" when you have a child with mental illness, but the first step is acknowledging that the problem is real and has a nameable-- and with luck--treatable medical diagnosis. That stark reality doesn't always mold itself a neatly-crafted story.
12
As a registered play therapist, children and their parents are a mystery to me too: is it the beginning of a new school year in a new school, an anxiety disorder, a learning disability starting to manifest as demands of academic expectations appear? Is it a trauma, something in a parent’s own history or parenting style, family dynamics, a classroom that is too loud, too bright, too smelly? What has changed? Why now? Hard to say. Play can be a wonderful way for children to express and work out their own difficulties. It can also be a way for parents to just companionably be with their children without trying to control an outcome. Play is a great place to start with any childhood mystery. I daily remind parents there are some things too big for us to solve by ourselves in spite of the best of intentions and that’s where caring, licensed and experienced professionals can enter the picture.
10
This means so much to me—I’m on a stunningly similar path. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your journey.
4
My son was diagnosed with Pediatric Bipolar Disorder at are 8, we dealt with much of what you are going through. There were seasonal shifts, summer was always good, he was great at school, a terror at home. Lithium calmed the rages.
10
I love how you tolerated her rage and didn’t seem to shame her. Some kids are so intense and need the kind of container you provided, loose but strong. I’m a child therapist and I realize this may shock many who are dismayed at G’s distress, but too often we seek to eradicate distress rather than equip our kids to master it. Your love for G is evident as is hers for you. Plus, great writing.
15
@Leslie Row
"Tolerating her rage" should not include allowing her to attack people physically. You're a child therapist?!
12
@Leslie Row This kind of rage in a child so young isn't lovely or normal. I don't what troubles be more, the unhealthy mother-child relationship or the fact that some readers it so sweet. But the writing's good, right?
6
Something like this happened to my daughter in 6th grade. She desperately didn't want to go to school and was severely depressed about it. Severely. Nothing helped. Finally, I took her out against everyone's advice (teacher, counselor, friends, etc) and home-schooled her (reluctantly) until, on her own, she decided it was time to go back to school for 8th grade. She hit the ground running and hadn't lost a beat. She had a very successful high school experience and got into one of the top colleges in the country. She's 25 now and applying to graduate school.
My point is this. Sometimes kid's behave badly and are unhappy because something really is wrong. And it's worth listening. I'll never know what was wrong with my daughter. She doesn't remember either. Maybe she just felt she wasn't ready for school. But I don't regret for a minute listening to that inner mom in me and my daughter's unhappiness.
By the way, she is now a confident, well-adjusted, and very independent young woman who does NOT run away from difficult issues. She is a warrior. What would have happened to her if hadn't listened with my heart to her fears?
Only you know your daughter. But what I think I hear in her behavior is a cry for help. Rather than assuming's a "phase," maybe it's worth figuring out what is that's keeping her from cheerfully running into that school every morning.
25
I am a retired school psychologist, parent and grandparent. Two of my three children had disabilities that affected their learning and being in the world. While the feelings this child is experiencing may very well be within normal expectations, the repeated violence toward the parent is not and must be stopped. This child is having difficulty regulating her affect and behavior, the reasons for which must be discovered and understood. It is the job of all parents, indeed, all involved adults, to help young kids learn these skills and, when necessary, get others to help towards this end. It is terribly frightening to little ones to feel and act out of control and she is crying out for boundaries and limits.
21
This is heartbreaking to read.... but VERY familiar! Our now 6 year old son (younger of 2) had a sudden change of character at age 4. He began head butting teachers, punching his friends, throwing chairs across preschool classroom, all VERY different from his normal silly self. A million more events. Ripping his soaked pull-up in the morning at my face and screaming bloody murder when I didn’t make his cereal the way he wanted. It would come and go. There would be a day.... a week, of calm “normal” life for the 4 of us. Then BAMM! Rages! All of this sounds As if we ALLOW this in our home. Quite the contrary.... we run a tight ship, our older son, 9, does not misbehave. I found myself begging his teachers, principal, pediatrician for advice. Sometimes his teachers would say he has been fine for a long time. Deer in headlights. What?! At home it’s completely out of control, unsubstantiated rages and inappropriate responses. His pediatrician would say, “he’s just a little 4, 5 year old boy. He’s just misbehaving. Have some structure.” WE DO! My sister hesitantly dropped an exorcism suggestion. Part of me was floored, part of me was relieved someone else saw the extent of his actions. Turns out he was diagnosed with PANS/PANDAS.
19
@Lydia ... continuation: he was placed on a strong dose of antibiotics and the very next morning his eyes were clear, he was looking AT me, not past me. He was speaking in complete sentences and singing his ABC’s! He looked at me and said, “mama I love you!” It had been so long. He still flares when his little body is fighting something. We still have ups/downs, but have some tools in our belt for those times and a great specialist to call. This needs to be heard! These kiddos are NOT just misbehaving and need “ more structure, more discipline!” They are struggling and most of the time “crack” when they are surrounded by “safe people”. People they trust and love and know won’t leave them. ♥️
2
This article just cries out to me that something bad is happening to that child at school, probably molestation. I can't believe the mother did not follow up on that.
9
This child is not being seen and heard, or at least seems to feel that way.
Maybe Mom is too busy mentally scavenging and polishing bits and pieces from each day so she can construct a story based on her version of what is happening, and so is not emotionally present, no matter how often she is physically with the child.
18
Check her for twice exceptionalities. She sounds like she’s developing at different rates. Gifted in some and behind in others. Big feelings are also a sign.
6
I'm wondering if this is a true story, or fiction. The kid sounds way out of control and the mother/author is not responding to her behavior, and her taunts, in the way any mother I know would.
19
Your daughter may enjoy the mystery stories by Enid Blyton a British children's book author who is long deceased. Most Indian children who grow up in cities and English medium schools read these. I have a collection of her books - The Famous Five, the Secret Seven, Five Find Outers and the Dog series. Books about boarding schools - St. Claires, and many books for really young kids that can spark their imaginations. The characters in these books are very strong girls and boys, loyal, brave, intelligent and independent. You can read the books and discuss the characters and help your child understand the world around her. Good luck to you and her!
9
I hope some of this story is fiction, as this has so many pathologies. This is definitely a middle class white problem, and I wonder if a minority parent presenting with a similar child would be referred to Child Protective Services. Could there be abuse involved? In our jurisdiction, if a child refuses to enter a school facility or school bus, the kid doesn't go in, and it's the parent's(s') problem. The officer involved doesn't seem to have the training for emotional de-escalation or physical intervention for a child. This reflects badly on NYPD. If an adult intervenes physically with our kid at school, we've had written reports. Fortunately the comments have pretty on mark.
20
I would not want a child to use that kind of language in any circumstance. Reading this article made me cringe, the fact that the mom let the daughter continue to talk to her that way. I get that children act out but it is up to the parent to let the child know from the get go that it is not ok to talk to anyone that way! I think the mom enabled this behavior to the nth degree!
24
Thank you for this amazing, riveting essay!
1
This, I believe, is how borderline personality disorder arises. A sensitive and clever little soul comes to the world as the daughter of a largely indifferent mother. Before the birth, the mother reads no books about babies' needs. After, she plans to put her daughter in care at a week old. We are not told what actually transpired: the mother believes she has been there "nearly all the time" since birth, but this picture somehow omits two years of preschool and a full-time job.
The daughter hates/wants to kill her mother: she also loves/fears losing her. She is angry
16
A very mom centric piece, the Dad makes a few appearances but not all that much? I found I skipped her focus on literary references because I was so concerned for the child? Is anyone else troubled by the fact that this NYT article about a five year will be accessible in the future to the child grown? A parent who uses their child as fodder to fill a page is suspect in my parental view. I wish this family well, I hope the parents take the time to read the comments and act upon some of the advice shared.
38
When I was in kindergarten I had routine episodes of wetting my pants. My mother was sympathetic when I brought home the wet underpants in a brown paper bag and the teacher wasn't too horrible about dealing with it (though I decidedly hated her).
Turns out I didn't know there were bathrooms in school - in my little 5-year-old head I thought the other children were better at holding it. Did I not notice that other children were using the bathroom? Don't know.
And no one ever asked me why it kept happening. It really is a good idea to talk to your children when they have problems.
22
I can only describe myself as shaken by this article. I was reassured by the comments advocating medical interventions and suggesting diagnoses. With all due deference to comments suggesting that this behavior is somehow in the normal range and this parent is handling this situation with equiminity, neither is true.
Let me be clear: this child is suffering and the adults in her life are failing her. Secondly,the author parent has subsumed her ego into her child. The child appears to be an extension of the parent and they are at war. Third, the parent appears to view this is some sort of existential exercise rather than being an advocate for the health and wellbeing of her child.
Moreover, my jaw dropped when the parent drops the child off at a camp where the child doesn't understand the language and merrily departs as the child waves goodbye. Seriously, in what planet is this course of action anything other than setting up this vulnerable child for more harm in the form of abandonment?
Finally, NYT what are you thinking? The author envokes imagery of parents in front rows seats in our children's lives. I felt as though I had a front row seat on what veered on child abuse or reckless abandonment. Your decision to publish this piece will cause further future harm to a very fragile child and under the care of a unclueless, feckless parent.
It may not be too late for an intervention, but great damage has been done and may not be readily undone.
47
Is it possible that this mother is analyzing too much? Could it be that the child needs more discipline and clear, strong boundaries at home about what behavior is and is not acceptable?
I have a great-niece who exhibits much of the same behavior. After carefully observing both her single mon’s and grandparents’ behaviors interacting with her, I came to this conclusion: she is a spoiled brat.
14
It sounds to me like you have a very gifted child. This is both a blessing and a curse. Nonetheless, I would keep the phone number of a good child psychologist, if I were you.
9
@Jackie I was a gifted child and have known many others. None of us struck or screamed at our parenys.
4
Didn’t finish reading this article but please find your kid a different, possibly private, school. Intervene now. Don’t wait!!
9
"If you ever do that ever, ever again, [you're] going to lose more than my love. You are breaking more than my heart."
Says the 5-year-old who has just started kindergarten, because her mother has left the room to wash her hands.
This reminds me of an incident with my best friend's little brother when we were growing up. One day this cherubic 3-year-old was overheard in his sandbox, repeatedly saying 'sonfabitch' to his broken toy. He didn't make that up on his own any more than G. made up the truly disturbing verbal abuse she hurls at her mother on her own.
Children learn what they live.
I definitely agree with the other Kathleen that these parents should seek professional help and need to set limits. Yes, parenting is hard! But this is not normal behavior.
A very distubing story on a number of levels.
34
@Kathleen agree entirely with your assessment
1
I wonder if your daughter might love the companionship of a kitten? This could provide her with a focus on something besides herself and her own complex interactions with her parents. Gentle pets can be very comforting all of the time and their care can be satisfying to a child, particularly a single child.
4
@Marie I would worry that the child might hurt a kitten, frankly. She'd need supervision every moment.
19
@Marie
A very, very bad idea. A family should take on a pet when everyone can handle it and care for the animal responsibly and lovingly. It is unfair to the animal to bring it into this situation and expect it to help the child.
8
@Marie A pet is not a binky for an unmanageable child, for God's sake.
4
Please do some investigation into any hidden infections in your child. PANDAS and PANS can cause rages, OCD, and so many of these symptoms in children. A child will often hold it together at school and will rage and meltdown at home. For my child, strep was the culprit with NO symptoms other than the school refusal and meltdowns. Then came the OCD and tics, and we discovered PANDAS.
8
I met a child like that years ago. I do not know what happened to her or her parents. Unfortunately they could no longer maintain social contacts because of their child.
7
In all that excessively long article (editors please note there was a job of pruning worth doing here!), what was the clearest thing I took away?
The identity of the killer in Agatha Christie’s “The Murder of Roger Ackroyd.”
Surely you know better than to ruin the enjoyment of a mystery novel!!!
J. Novak
9
My child is turning 20 on January 1st. This just made me cry. Relish all the moments even when it is really hard.
3
Not the main point of the article or "mystery," more of a tangent, but the officer dragging the kid into school by the underarms is unacceptable treatment of anyone, perhaps especially young children, who have little autonomy. Bodily autonomy is always critical, not least in relation to authority figures who are present during the day when parents are not.
13
Many people have suggested that G has PANS/PANDAS. A cursory reading of its symptoms indicates that G most certainly does not have either one.
3
As an occupational therapist working with this age group I can tell you that this is extreme behavior in a five year-old. Above age-level verbal skills, obsessions, radical mood swings, and serious anger issues over minor incidents all together are a red flag. Like many commenters before, I would recommend seeking outside help. I would also urge people not to judge the parent. Often times, these behaviors cannot be simply remedied by a firmer, more structured parenting style.
18
Mother of 2 chiming in. I personally found the transition into kindergarten to be very difficult for both my children. Both of my children had already spent lots of time in daycare and preschool/pre-k. I suspect some of it is the stricter regime, some of it is the loss of a nap/oodles of free time, as well as the societal pressure of "starting SCHOOL". While I think some work should be done by the parent to be sure it isn't a clear problem in the environment (school, teacher, classmates, etc.), it is just a huge transition for the child. My oldest was always a fiery child and he was almost unmanageable for the first 2 months of kindergarten. He recalls kindergarten now with great fondness. He is in 4th grade and loves school. My youngest whined & complained his way though kindergarten with tantrums consistently present throughout. He is in 2nd grade and still dislikes school only but only because he isn't allowed to follow any whim. He has always liked his teachers and classmates. His performance is better than average, but he may just not be a child who likes school. Who knows. As any parent knows, things don't get easier, it just changes.
4
This story brought me back to the times when I would drop off my screaming, crying daughter at school or at camp, with my arms rubbed red from the rope-like burns she inflicted as she begged me not to leave her. Often I would call the school when I left, to learn that she was "fine, as soon as I (her mom) exited."
In high school, she had clear social anxiety-- leaving a party moments after her arrival, deciding not to go to an event because a pimple was starting to appear.
It continued. Finally, she turned to alcohol and then drugs. She dropped out of college and went to three rehabs before maintaining her sobriety (now, two years and 8 months). She is a popular, outgoing, charming and funny young woman of 24. But looking back I see that I underestimated the extent of her very real anxiety and wish I had responded differently. She assures me I am a "great mother," but please, like other letter writers urge, get her help now. She may be learning to manage that anxiety, but it's serious. And her fabulous imagination is helping her manage this, but she needs more support.
28
Dear @Ellen: Thank you for courageously sharing the story of your daughter’s early traumas and later difficulties with addiction. You are wise to point out the long arc these childhood traumas can have and the need to intervene strongly and positively. Wishing you and your daughter all the best.
14
This article showcases perfectly the importance of matching the right school to the child, and how our school system has become a breeding ground for anxiety and anger. As a former elementary school teacher, mother and grandmother I can attest to the radical personality changes that can and will be seen in a child whose school setting does not feel nurturing and safe. Moving a bright nervous child to an appropriate and smaller school, even a cooperative school or parochial school are options all parents need to consider when faced with huge resistance to school. The image of a five year old dragged away by even a “Maternal” police figure is appalling.
17
Pray for your child, only God can heal the mind and soul. I am not judging, I am also a mom.
2
I suspect things will get interesting during the daughter's teen years.
5
This case is really simple - there is no mystery that all children need firm and clear boundaries to feel safe and thrive. Rude, mean, and especially aggressive behavior should be corrected right away. Such a correction should be followed by an explanation as to why the behavior was wrong and why repeating it will result in punishment (appropriate to the child’s age), but never with a withdrawal of parental love.
First clue: G. clearly understood the rules of the kindergarten classroom: the teacher was in charge and the children followed the rules. She seemed happy and was adjusting well, no misbehaving in that environment.
Also, looks like G. was doing well in her summer camp.
Second clue: G. acted different while in her mother’s care, she kicked, she punched, she was enraged, she screamed and yelled, she demanded, threatened to leave, was furious, while emotionally blackmailing her mother that she was going to lose “more than her love.”
G. was clearly in charge while her mother had to adjust her behavior and gave into G.’s demands. Moreover, by rewarding her acting out she only perpetuated the cycle of undesirable behavior.
22
@Ella B. nope- not "this case is really simple." "Firm & clear boundaries" ... if only that was the only thing *all* child need to universally fix things. Some kids have special needs. My son (see a previous comment of mine) is so very similar to G. He's 13 now. Wasn't diagnosed with autism until age 9 because he has a different profile than is typical for autism. In the UK they've designated his autism profile (PDA) with a specific set of ways to approach his needs, and "firm & clear boundaries" is not one of them. See link below.
I'm not suggesting you're not aware that some kids have special needs. It may be that you're not aware how special needs can present. It's a wide spectrum! :) For example, my son definitely seemed "fine" at school, and acted out a whole lot at home. I heard plenty of "if only you didn't let him boss you around"... quite frustrating for me to hear as a parent, because, it turns out, I was not dealing with a typical child. It wasn't my failure to parent... his needs are just so unique. We learned by trial and error.
It's called "masking"... this way of getting along at school in order to not call attention to ones self, anxiety so intense that social tricks get one through normal daily demands (even regular school days!) that are fine for other kids but so stressful for others. At home, in the safe space, that's when all the stress can come pouring out.
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/files/download/bddca99acb0999b
9
@Maritza
It is simple in the sense that the most basic human needs (apart from biological and physiological) are safety and love. All kids need that.
Firm and clear boundaries give kids a sense of safety and security. Granted, these boundaries won’t “universally fix *all* things,” but it’s a great place to start. It’s a way to rule out whether the anger and aggression channeled by my child is a result of not setting boundaries in the first place.
As for G. and her mother, we don’t know if the story is real, partially true, or if it is a work of pure fiction. It is clear though that the author has inspired a global debate ranging from medically inspired detective work to a collection of diverse and inspiring personal experience & advice.
It is also clear that you love your son. My heart goes out to all parents raising children with disabilities and families experiencing the effects of mental illness.
All the best to you and your son.
3
I had to stop reading the article mid-stream to send this note, as it raised such anxiety in me..a mother, grandmother and health practitioner for 55 years. At this point in my reading the details of this child's startling personality shifts, all I could think of was that a neurologist and subsequent brain scan of some kind was needed...and how could a parent delay consulting the pediatrician of the child, for so long? Brain tumors which, depending on their location, can cause gross personality changes in both adults and children are not unhead of. "How much denial of the dire possibilities is possible, by an educated contemporary parent?" I thought. "Is this fact or fiction?" I thought. The suspense was unbearable for me. I knew of cases where similar personality shifts and extremes occur in adolescence, and go on for several years...the age 15 seeming to be a common one for onset of this...but this was a latency aged child...unless there was some kind of endocrine tumor ramping things up...and so on and so on. My heart rate has now decreased to an almost normal lev el, so I will return to finish reading this article. Ms. Galchen should enter a contest for suspenseful writing. Hoping the denoument comes soon, and more easily than the exposition.
12
This story is 'one-for-the-books' - and that is the books of probably not true and probably true. This child named G is a 5-year old with a vocabulary greater than that of Donald J. Trump...the book of probably true. This child is very unusual....the book of probably not true. The mother is a total mess. Very true. I have 3 adult sons, ages 56, 61, & 63...I think. Probably because they were boys and not girls....I did not experience such probabilities.
7
Clearly you are just over thinking it, get out in the world more. Talk to other parents in the class other than smsing late at night to people less familiar with the situation. But mostly remember, she will turn 18 someday and have absolutely no recollection of this time.
1
This girl sounds like she has a big imagination and with the right encouragement and direction could be a writer of sort.
2
Why didn’t you switch her to a new school? Obviously something was wrong at the school. She’s not able to articulate it because she is five. The people in this column who think she needs therapy a five-year-old have no idea what it’s like to go to a school that’s terrible and uses for example humiliation tactics on children. Schools are very different and who create very different atmospheres for children. If one doesn’t work try a different environment. It’s like a job for a child and you have to figure out which one is going to work for her. You might have to pay for a private school, you might have to look into an all girls school, or a montessori school. This sounds a lot more interesting and a lot more healthy for your child than people that want to recommend therapy and other nonsense below. Obviously they’ve never been to a terrible public school where they don’t provide toilet paper in the bathrooms and they use violence and humiliation to punish children. I worked at a Queens public school, it was disorganized. One day on the news I saw that two older kids picked up a five-year-old child and swung her back and forth by her feet and hands and then thrown her against the wall. She survived. I worked at a New Orleans school as a volunteer where the teachers would say don’t be so polite they won’t listen you have to say - shut up!
6
Hey G, I'll solve one mystery for you: childhood is inherently terrible. As a child you have no say at all in your life circumstances. You can't change a situation that's making you miserable. The adults in your life will just say you need to "adjust" or that "difficulties build character" or that "you can't get your way." I was well into my 20s before I had the amazing epiphany that, as an adult, I could now make my own choices and did not have to helplessly tolerate being unhappy all the time. Sorry G, 13 more years until you've served your time.
14
@teal Good for you, you made it through. I presume on your own. Not everyone fits into your mould. Be kind, she’s 5 (?) years old.
So very disturbing to to read this essay. Where is the father in all this drama?
14
This is very disturbing!
8
I am reminded so much about this period in my life. I was emotionally abused and suddenly I hit a brick wall when I had to go to first grade. I got depressed and the only way I could get out of bed was to have my parent's allow me to ride my trike to the kitchen. Sounds bizarre. Seems bizarre to me now. What a tender time of development and a very precious one.
6
I’ve read some of the top comments, which are awfully negative, and all I can think is that people need to get a grip.
My daughter turned 5 recently. She too was a serene baby and an incredibly easy-going toddler/preschooler. She is currently very, very similar to what the author describes her daughter to be. It’s driving me nuts, but I’m not worrying about it. I also happen to have a son who is 7. When he was 3, I thought I would lose my mind. I was sure there was something wrong with him. Now he’s easygoing, very smart, sociable, reasonable.
I also have a 1.5-year-old. Lucky guy has the benefit of a mom who’s seen that kids change, they go through phases. Not because they’re suffering some trauma, or because their parents are irresponsible, but just because that’s how kids are, that’s how their brains develop. They’ll go through phases where they’ll be completely out of whack, and then they’ll settle down, and again and again.
To the author: don’t worry about it, and hang in there. Sounds like G. has a great mom to help her through this phase.
12
So clearly the little girl is extremely bright. I do think it sounds as if the parents are so shocked and upset by the extreme behaviors that they have no idea what to do. Especially with an only child one has few experiences and signposts.
The number of people/parents writing in to suggest a brain inflammation is significant and I think I'd pursue this.
I heard Ms. Galchen at a book talk some years ago. She struck me as lovely, intelligent, and grounded. Of course I do not know her but she came across as talented and also normal and thoughtful. ( For what this is worth )
It is very hard to have a child who acts out passionately and violently. I had one out of 3 who did this-also a girl. She now has a 5 year old son who is a handful and shouts hateful things when frustrated. And then is capable of coming up with : " Grandma, I love you as much as all of history ." and clearly meaning it. I have the thought often : " Well at least I can still manhandle/womanhandle him out of here when I need to." But not forever. It is important to keep such children out of situations that trigger such anger but when the trigger is school it is quite hard. The person who suggests waiting out a year of school might be on to something. I have seen this work as some issues are maturational. Good luck and Blessings.
8
I really did not see the point of including G.'s interest in detective stories. It could be completely unrelated - just an interest, possibly passing, possibly serious. Children do develop interests and passions. Lots of kids like detective stories, or decide they want to be a detective - hardly uncommon. The author is looking too hard for "clues" - not everything is related to everything.
Or, my darker suspicion, the author was looking too hard for an interesting "angle" to dramatize her daughter's story - which, as other readers have pointed out, should never have been published with her daughter so easily identifiable. As nonfiction, this device just didn't work, in my opinion.
Or, the entire thing is fiction. It didn't really sound like fiction, but it's hard to believe the mother could possibly have judgment this poor.
12
@DW Precisely.
Am I the only one who sees this article as a trial balloon for a book?
8
Good God, I have three children, and this child's behavior was extreme and abnormal. I cannot believe you never considered the real possibility someone at the school was abusing or bullying her. What a horrible and disturbing essay.
28
This child is very disturbed and unhappy. This is the wrong school for her. It is not normal. Get help!
10
I have a little boy at home. My local public school also forbids parents from entering. The barbarism kills me. Who would forbid a parent from accompanying a distressed 5-year-old to her kindergarten class? We're definitely not going to engage in that.
5
i must be missing but i skimmed this because it was frustrating to read. she doesn't have a Best Friend! that could well be the root of this. yes, she can be happy at school in class. but outside of class? she doesn't have a best friend. having a best friend is everything within my understanding. and is she being bullied? do you know if she is?
3
My heart breaks when reading this; but also presents an urgent and pressing opportunity to help others. Its impossible for us readers to really assess what is going on with 'G'. However, the story presents many of the clinical symptoms of autoimmune encephalitis, in particular, a condition called PANS.
Whether 'G' has PANS or not, any parent when they see behaviors like this- should seek out consultation with a PANS specialist. This heartbreaking, family destroying autoimmune illness is indescribably horrific - esp when not identified and treated. Children can turn into vicious, suicidal, raging creatures who are completely immune to any type of punishment or boundaries. There is no reasoning with children suffering from severe Brain Inflammation.
Why is this an important moment? Because as a mother of a recently diagnosed PANS child, I have come to discover that at least 1 in 200 children suffer from this oftentimes manageable neuropsychiatric autoimmune illness - and yet our regular pediatricians, psychologists, neurologists, still don't think to test for it!
The symptoms for PANS are clear: separation anxiety, rage, emotional lability, OCD, tics, urinary accidents, .... We need doctors, teachers, parents on the watch for PANS. 'G' displays enough that it should come to everyone's mind.
We weary PANS families are here to share a warning and a cry for help: educate yourselves, protect your families and the next generation. This is a real epidemic and nobody sees it.
16
So much about this child reminded me of my son who is now 13, (a wonderful boy btw). Buddha baby? Check. Scream and cry about school? Check. Reports from teachers that they are just fine there? Check. Separation anxiety, focused on me? Check. Nothing stands out about peer interactions? Check. Incredible imagination? Check. And it goes on! I've searched and searched to find a way to reach the author but I've come up short. What's a parent to do when in possession of knowledge that may or may not help another parent? Is it presumptuous to want to share what I've learned, what has helped us?
4
So strange. Why wouldn't you share it right here? It may help others.
1
The part of parenting is like being moved around in a theater is so true and can be somewhat devastating when you are not quite in paradise but pretty far back in the theater.
2
Lyme disease?
21
I'm so sorry, there is a deep, deep parenting problem here, including the fact that the story will remain on line, under her name for years to come and for the child to find.
This episode may be a mystery that appears to have gone away, and it may be surface again in a person who is obviously highly intelligent and extremely complex. The author will not be a row further back. She will be up close and unprepared.
126
@Gina D THIS! Please don’t use your young children as material in cases like this. She can’t consent. This piece makes her easily identifiable, and this stigma could follow her indefinitely. Is the NYTimesMag feature byline for mom worth the potential cost to daughter in the future?
22
Disturbing. All of it.
14
Wow - listen to your daughter - get her out of that school. This is not normal and she is making it clear something there is going very wrong for her.
10
Why are the editors not picking up on all the comments that this is PANS??
It’s a medical illness and the public needs educating on this.
8
PLEASE look into PANS/PANDAS!!!!!! 100% believe this is the case!!!!!
7
@Nicole No, not 100%. At least one commenter mentioned that they thought that G did not meet the criteria. Also, an NIH study suggests that it it exists, PANS PANDAS would be very rare. I would be cautious about jumping to this diagnosis.
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/17/magazine/angry-child.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share
3
No, not 100%. At least one commenter mentioned that they thought that G did not meet the criteria. Also, an NIH study suggests that it it exists, PANS PANDAS would be very rare. I would be cautious about jumping to this diagnosis.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4174741/
2
Please author! It sounds like G is suffering, or was, from lack of sleep!!!
This is reminding me of the times I googled "Is my three year old a sociopath" in all seriousness. Parenting is so hard. I am sorry you had to go through this.
86
@Julie I read that first ting this morning and laughed out loud. I have SO many friends who were once convinced their children were disordered only to have them grow up to be perfectly lovely people.
5
Jeez, I remember being walked to kindergarten by my mom on the first day, I was 5. I as on my own after that. At days end they asked if I came in the north or south entrance. I didn’t have a clue so I said north. Wrong, I was facing a neighborhood I’d never seen before and the school doors were locked.
Scared but on my own I walked around the building until I saw something familiar. To this day, whenever I visit a new place, I intentionally get lost. It’s a great way to figure out a unfamiliar town. GPS is for losers.
2
@Paulie Your input had some credence until “GPS is for losers.” Really, was that necessary?
Wow, has she been tested for PANS/PANDAS? This story is oh so familiar... and it ended with a PANDAS diagnosis. I would definitely rule it out.
http://pandasnetwork.org/medical-information/
7
I couldn’t get a pediatrician to give my daughter a PANDAS diagnosis 10 years ago when she was 10 even though I had researched it and it seemed so obvious to me based on her sudden onset of scary behavioral symptoms. I suspect because it was the peds office who missed the original strep in the original test and refused my requests for a follow up strep test for weeks until she was finally tested (raging strep) and treated.
Never diagnosed with PANDAS the medical establishment has been treating ever expanding symptoms including anxiety, depression, OCD, eating disorder, raynauds, painful swollen finger ulcers, suspected Lupus and most recently her rheumatologist diagnosed....untreated strep for which she was put on 2 weeks of antibiotics. She’s a wonderful successful junior in college navigating her health challenges with grace but I’m beyond angry at the medical condescension I was subjected to back then.
Find a specialist and get her tested ASAP. Fight like hell. Many old school peds (especially men IMO who consider Moms hysterical) still dismiss these behavioral disorders as bad parenting.
4
@JAS
The job of a pediatrician isn't to get you the diagnosis you want.
There is so much angst in this story it was difficult to get through. Much overthinking and a subtext that betrayed not just a lack of confidence in her own parenting but in G's ability to eventually figure it out. Yes, she's unhappy and acting out because it works so well in controlling mama. The whole pumpkin scenario was very telling. Rushing out of the bathroom with wet hands based on the shouted threats of a 5 year old is just comical.
She is an extremely bright little girl but her specialness is torpedoing her own ability to cope with the adversities she is experiencing. Lighten up, mama. I think she would benefit from more humor and less attention. You love her but making her the sun everyone else revolves around is holding her back.
7
I'm not a parent, but I kept thinking why aren't these parents considering their daughter is being abused? Absent a physical problem, the first thing that comes to mind that such a drastic change is triggered by abuse. The child did absolutely everything to get their attention about something & they ignored her.
12
Winnicott also had the concept of: "Good-enough mothering." Try that for a while instead of the Conan Doyle, Raymond Chandler, Agatha Christie school of literary-mothering for a while and see what happens to baby Buddha.
If that doesn't work out, you may be stuck with a Baroness Emma Magdolina Rozalia Jozefa Borbala Emmuska Orczy, or in a worst case scenario, a Simone de Beauvoir...
1
This story is either work of fiction or we just got to know one of the most mentally irresponsible mothers.
The child is obviously having problems and she in her own way is trying to communicate to the mother about them. G’s detective story interest, her reluctance to go to school, mood swings, manipulating behavior...They are clues to us readers so we can try solving “a detective story” ourselves as we go on reading.
My conclusion is that this story must be fiction. Otherwise the next story we read in NYT is about how a true murder is being planned!
6
As a dad I used to drop off my daughter in pre-school (since she was three!), and always dropped her off with a big fat hug—earnestly returned—and a kiss on each cheek.
The small pleasures of being a dad :)
This continued in kindergarten, until
one day in the spring the hug was very-much one-sided. My little kindergartener whispered to me that: a. It’s embarrassing b. I may hug her and kiss her on the cheeks, but only at home.
That day my little girl broke my heart and vanished just a bit.
3
Look into PANDAS.
3
Children repeat what they hear. Where did the child learn to talk like that, to use those words and expressions? This never comes up. And who tolerates that kind of language? Where are the behavorial constraints? Where was the rearing part of this story, as in child rearing. The woman goes to detective novels for wisdom? The author seems less a mother than another child, a older sibling.
That she didn't bother to talk to her child's teachers for months is scary for both the child and the parent.
I am deeply bothered by the NYTimes printing this as a reflective story.
19
@Joyce My thoughts exactly.
2
The mystery that sparks my interest is whose speech is this child adopting? The phrases are so specific my curiosity is prickling.
11
Something could be going on at the school that you don’t know about. Makes me think a detective might be able to find out.
60
condense this to only the parts about your screaming child and her unwavering spirit. Share with high school kids. Watch teenage pregnancy rates drop.
71
My son has PANDAS / PANS - You could be describing him. I had so many medical professionals tell me it was nothing, or it was everything, or it was me... Actually it's bran inflammation, and it can be managed, and you're not alone. Find a specialist near you, there's a stellar one in Paramus NJ.
6
I also hated school, and was an only child. (I didn’t dare act out or say any hateful things to anyone — that wasn’t done in my rigidly old-fashionedhome.). I feel for “G,” and remeber my own feelings at that age. Other kids were mysterious, illogical and unpredictable, and hurtful. Teachers were well-meaning but clueless. Parents, heartless and more worried about how my behavior reflected on them than on my well-being. I was alone and defenseless. My daily stomachaches and reluctance to go to school were the only forms of expression I had. “G” is incredibly more verbal and expressive than I had the courage to be. But be assured, less expressive kids feel all of what she’s feeling. What would have helped me? Smaller classes with quieter kids, fewer arbitrary rules that could be unknowingly broken, and more light-hearted teachers who knew how to really relate to a frightened child who didn’t know what the new rules were, and didn’t know how to ask for support.
3
I don’t have children so I’m not an expert here, but I can say this was a very hard read. My first thoughts when I read it:
1. I remember hating school this much and it was because I was being bullied. Nevertheless, even in this circumstance, I didn’t punch or hit or threaten my parents with ultimatums. Which brings me to...
2. This child clearly needs medical support. A friend’s child had similar tantrums that often escalated to this level of violence and agitation. They did not appear to stem from a cause like bullying so my friend took her to see a doctor. She has recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
So it seems that there are potential causes for such behavior that are going unexplored by the parents (absolutely shocked that a doctor would tell them this behavior is normal!). For the sake of their daughter, I hope they omitted some of these more obvious courses of action from the narrative because if my experience is correct, there is something very wrong here.
7
“At G.’s elementary school, kids have to walk into the building alone. There’s not much choice in the matter; it’s a crowded public school, and there’s not enough space for both kids and parents.”
Is this accurate? Is it typical of a NY public school? I understand that space is limited in New York but not enough space to accommodate a parent in a school hallway . . . hard to believe.
All this commentary on the state of Rivka's child aside, this comments section reminds me of the comments section when I wrote a piece in this paper about the tragedy of my child dying on his first day in childcare.
There was so much armchair quarterbacking about what people imagined to be my life, dissecting of what people imagined me to be, to the point of borderline cruelty and weirdness ("Her partner is not a real man for not making enough money so that she could stay home with the child." "Why did she put her career first over her children?" (I didn't have a career, I had a job that I couldn't afford to lose) and it went on from there.
When you write about an experience, you don't put your whole life story, backstory, and every detail of your motives or thinking or actions taken. One or two parts of a story can be the channeled focus of a larger, more complicated story not told here. The point of writing an essay like this is to connect it to larger things, to drill down on small things, and link your life to the grandness of something bigger; here, it's motherhood and love.
Please stop taking this article so literally. Rivka is a great writer, we're not here to judge whether she failed or succeeded as a mother in the situation.
And I won't say that I don't see again how this comments section is yet another example of how women are just set up to fail in our society, scrutinized and judged lacking no matter what choice they make in their parenting, so very often.
15
@Amber Scorah I remember your tragic story. So terribly sorry! I hope your family is doing well.
2
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. The overwhelmingly judgemental responses to this author and mother are far more disturbing than this, at times painful to read, essay. But life and parenting is painful (and joyous) and shying away from high emotions or medicalizing emotion doesn't always help us grow as parents or children.
This sounds exactly like PANS/PANDAS/Autoimmune Encephalitis. It so often goes undiagnosed but all the markers are there. The anxiety about school presenting as outbursts, the obsession with mysteries (mysteries are awesome but this level could be OCD). The background pieces are there, too. If your house is damp and humid enough to rot a pumpkin that quick it probably has hidden mold, as most houses do, which could cause PANS. You can do an ERMI test to find out. Also the Pre-K vaccines are enough to send immune-vulnerable kids into a tailspin. For your daughter's sake please check out nepans.org for more info and find a PANS-friendly doctor. It's not your fault and most kids with PANS go undiagnosed, but there is something you can do to help. Signed - a fellow writer mama whose kids are now healing. Every day I am thankful for the person who told me about PANS and solved the mystery of my own children.
8
I echo the comment about seeing a therapist. There are elements of your daughter's "I hate you/I love you." responses that may be indicators of a serious behavioral disorder. I write this as a former counselor - and with full awareness of the over-medication of children in America. No blame. Possibly just genetics.
7
This is not so much a mystery; this child has a very deep problem, which my guess, is probably neurological in nature. She needs to be seen and quickly. It's not normal and rooting around for the answer on your own will just delay her receiving help.
7
I felt that this article was child exploitation - using your chid’s misery for profit. The author seemed more interested in intellectualizing her daughter’s issues than in helping her.
As many people have commented, why didn’t the mother speak to her daughter’s teacher and work with them to help her child with her problems with school. Schools and teachers in particular often have year’s of experience dealing with children’s issues - but they have to be informed by parents if there is a problem. Intervention was needed by professionals.
I found the article upsetting and worry about this child’s well being with this parent. The New York Times magazine should not have printed it.
8
Have you considered this child might have a condition called PANS? Though I obviously don’t know your entire history, it seems clear your daughter has some classic symptoms like OCD, separation anxiety, rage, school refusal, and anxiety. These are all symptoms of a treatable neuropsychiatric disorder called PANS.
People don’t quite know what OCD looks like in kids, but so much of what you wrote about is exactly what OCD looks like. The preoccupation with the detective novels sounds like classic OCD. But, before going down the OCD path, I would strongly recommend you have your daughter evaluated by a doctor that belongs to the PANDAS Physician Network.
What you are describing is a syndrome that at least 1 in 200 kids is dealing with. The good news is it is treatable if you have a physician who understands it (most pediatricians have no idea).
Your daughter may seem some better, but sadly, I can tell you that PANS waxes and wanes and gets much worse if left untreated.
This is not bad parenting, or normal behavior in a kid, or even any type of attachment issue. It is BRAIN INFLAMMATION.
Please get your child evaluated for PANS.
4
"So by the second week of kindergarten, when G. is still unwilling to walk into the school, she is dragged in by her armpits by an officer of the law."
I had to stop and read that three times to believe it. This is emotional abuse. Mom says blandly "There's not much choice in the matter." Clearly that is not the case. There is no requirement that your child attend that school, that classroom, that day. When your child tells you something, please believe it. They may not tell you literally, but they are using the only language they have. A child with this level of school refusal needs professional help, a parent with this level of emotional deafness needs professional help. Poor child.
9
This is classic PANS/PANDAS. My heart aches for this little girl and her parents.
My daughter was also in kindergarten when her personality changed seemingly overnight. There was a sickness that was going around kindergarten. She was out for a couple of days, and misdiagnosed with something viral as her dr. didn’t bother to test for strep. She became afraid and anxious, violent, obsessed with terrifying thoughts, and at 5 years old told me to just kill her while she was banging her head on the floor. It took me two years to get her diagnosed properly - teachers, friends, DOCTORS and other family members dismissed me when I said that she changed overnight after an illness. I stumbled across a website for PANDAS, got her strep titers tested and finally got a diagnosis - 2 YEARS after initial onset.
There are thousands of stories just like G’s. It is a complex autoimmune disease with many triggers and no real cure. But there is treatment and when you learn that your child doesn’t really hate you or school, that their brain is just attacking itself, your chaotic world shifts into one of true compassion.
I am begging you to research PANS/PANDAS for G’s sake. For your sake.
6
I identify with G. As a layperson and former child who was miserable in school I might suspect Asperger's (&/or perhaps and less likely, bipolar). I think your child needs help. I think if your child says she hate school it's something you have to treat like a 'your head is on fire' emergency. If private schools or home schooling are options, you might seriously consider one of those options. Public school may not be a good match for your daughter. I think the teacher might be being less that honest to you about how happy your child is at school. And I think even miserable children, try to put their best foot forward, while at school to escape the shame and judgment that they would face, if they were honest. When you child comes home, she gets to be honest and she get to relax and stop hiding her emotions, which I think might include fear, shame, feeling forced (to be somewhere she hates) and out of control, unprepared, ill-equipped, judged, overwhelmed, depressed, freakishly different from other children, hopeless, betrayed (by you for sending her there, against her will), feeling asked to do things that she is unable to do, feeling threatened, distrustful, and profoundly misunderstood and violated. She might not outgrow these feelings. Going forward beyond kindergarten, she may derive little benefit from an eduction that is miserable and forced. (Sorry and I hope I wrong.)
7
Kathleen in Honolulu, I could not have said it better. The author's excessively lengthy article screamed a single message to me: that kid needs discipline. Not the corporal kind, but the firm, consistent kind. There is no excuse for a child to be allowed to behave that way, I don't care who is the recipient. Letting her become a little monster will only make it tougher for her to get along with others as she gets older. That she is an only child only makes it worse. She needs to learn boundaries, how to manage her emotions, and not rely on tantrums and violent behavior to get her way. I feel sorry for the father, honestly.
7
I think an evaluation by a PANS/PANDAS literate physician could be beneficial. It sounds like the same story many of us parents have with our PANS/PANDAS kids.
3
Interesting and compelling read. I kept thinking “this is just kindergarten. Maybe she’s not ready.” Why not let her grow up a bit and hold her back. She’s obviously imaginative and advanced in speech. But she was clearly emotionally distraught and unable to express why. Maybe just not emotionally prepared for the stress of kindergarten.
2
This story strikes me as both inconsistent, fictional and exaggerated, hopefully for the sake of writing only. If it's not then I have to question the authors mental well-being - because treating a child like this, and letting her pain, rage and anguish go one for months is absurdly cruel.
6
Sounds like she resents you for being so permissive and passive. Establish boundaries with your daughter (hitting, talking back, and threatening Mommy is NOT okay). Kids want rules and structure and protection. When she's being difficult because she doesn't get her way, try *not* acquiescing to her demands and then sitting back with a stack of mystery novels and romanticizing her bad behavior. Also, a school staffperson was allowed to manhandle her while you watched... Of course she now has trust issues, fear of abandonment, and resentment.
3
I am totally puzzled why the Mother never told the Child that you do not threaten violence to anyone. The Child's threats of hitting & kicking are significant but were treated as unimportant. The Child was very clearly stressed and upset - and not by school. Some serious reading on childhood development - not just friends' comments - might be helpful, as well as professional assistance. Take this Child seriously!!
4
You missed your best opportunity: ' “Do you have any cases for me?” We try to come up with cases. “A real one,”...' You needed to take the hint and hire detective G to find out what was happening to a little girl who didn't want to go to school and was having rapid, frequent and severe changes of mood and personality. Whatever or whoever was frightening her, scaring her, threatening her, or bullying her could have been found long ago if G is a good detective. You are very lucky that whatever it was has dissipated on its own. That's the unbelievable part, unless you just made it all up.
4
Things that are shocking. (1)That the mother thinks this kid's behavior falls within a wide spectrum of "normal" behavior. (2)That readers believe the author of this story and the language she ascribes to her daughter.
8
I thought this child was being abused at school, and her parents were clueless for an inexplicably long time. I also did not enjoy this story. The references to Sherlock Holmes were pointless. Children don't draw scary figures and act out for no reason.
I also felt that if the child were poor and black, they would be put in a "quiet room," so they could bang their heads against the padding.
4
This is one if the most disturbing articles I’ve ever read in the NYTimes. It reads like a gothic novel or horror script — a little girl violently attacking her mother, pleading not to be taken to school where she feels unsafe, being hauled against her will into school by a security matron, and a mother who won’t tell her weeping child a story to calm her on the subway.
As many readers have pointed out, there is something very wrong here. The girl may have been severely bullied by other children or physically or sexually abused by an adult. She may have a mental illness like BPD or bipolar. She may have ultra-sensitivity perhaps due to a virus.
Instead of texting friends at 11 pm, the mother should have consulted her pediatrician and met with the teacher, school psychologist and principal, at tge very minimum.
The ending of the story is Dickensian. A six year old girl is sent to a sleep-away camp in an unknown city where no ones speaks her language.
I hope her mother, who is a talented storyteller, was embellishing much of this story solely for literary effect. The real mystery here is the mother’s behavior and why she left this child to suffer so deeply without seeking professional help
12
Does no one else think this sounds like the symptoms of a child who has become the victim of a child molester since starting kindergarten? I understand no parent wants to think something so horrible could be happening right under their nose but It seems to have all the signs and symptoms. I would immediately change schools and begin seeing a professional with experience working with children that have been molested.
6
This is alarming as it is much the behavior my step-daughter exhibited around age 4, when having to go to daycare. Her mother continued to insist she go, literally carrying her in kicking and screaming and rigid with rage. I had no say in all this unfortunately. Months later my step-daughter confided in me that an older boy at daycare was "putting things in her privates". Yet she'd not exhibited behavior to where the daycare personnel were aware. What "G" isn't saying verbally she is telling you in drawings and body language. There are child psychologists who analyze drawings. Please find one for "G".
6
Sounds much like me at her age. Bipolar emerged at age 15. She needs help. She is not a curiosity but a person who will only get worse.
4
Most be tiresome to listen to everyone's point of view. But here goes - What is your kids IQ? If your description of her is accurate and not embellished I bet it is off the chart. If she is gifted, especially highly gifted a normal public school classroom is torture. Yes, I know the teacher is saying she loves school but what do you expect her to say? I spent all of elementary school sneak reading books instead of doing the stuff I was supposed to and my teachers were all clueless.
2
It's so sad that G and her parents suffered for so long. The first parent-teacher conference was no earlier than November?!?During the year that I served as a student teacher for a kindergarten class, 27 5YOs (not 40) depended on me for everything, every day. It took weeks for me to truly get to "know" my students; however, even then I couldn't have formed opinions about their psychological states at anything more than a surface level. That was almost 40 years ago, and I had two young children at home, as well as a semester of coursework in psychology, practicum work with children (aged 2-11) who had IEPs, and two years' employment in an infant-4YO childcare program. I don't know the number or the special needs of children in G's K class, but G should've had someone going into her classroom (early in the year, Mom) for several days to observe her behavior alone and with her teacher and peers. The information gathered might have easily remedied G's and her parents' anxiety.
3
@Joan
Hard to understand why the mother didn't simply sit in on the class herself to see what was going on.
3
Looking back at my elementary school trauma from age 50, I see aspects of myself in this child. I was a socially awkward child – – extremely bright and with poor social skills – – and I was treated terribly by my fellow students. My school evaluations from the early years show almost perfect marks for schoolwork, and light frustration and irritation at my behavior in teacher comments—no empathy or concern for my well-being or mention of bullying. About 20 years ago, my mother mentioned as an aside that I came home from crying from school every day in fourth grade. But they never took me to get any help. It took decades for me to overcome a sense of shame and fear when dealing with people in social, school, and work situations. I learned how to hide my pain after the first couple of bad years. Although this child’s teacher indicates that everything was fine, everything is clearly not fine. I loved my teachers and saw them as my only defenders in the classroom environment. Bullying was not something that anyone took seriously in the 1970s, but it still had an impact. Children can be severely damaged by their school experiences, even if the people around them can’t understand why those experiences are so difficult. I found this piece difficult to read, and the mother’s perspective difficult to embrace. I wonder if her seemingly improved child, like me, simply learned that the best way to handle misery was to pretend that everything is fine.
10
That's a lot of trauma this mother is training herself to be numb to (or analyse by escaping into literature). This child's anguish and rage are extremely persistent and perhaps have been allowed to go on too long without a change in her circumstances, such as the school.
I never went to preschool or kindergarten, but was reading at 4th grade level at five. Today, warehouses for kids are what they are. Parents may earn more money in expensive places, but most little ones have to go to the expensive warehouse every day to enable them. Institutionalization.
Yet I feel the mother's anguish too. Being the bullseye for hate-arrows from a human being you love more than life is excruciating. Those don't sound like mere tantrums to me.
The child is punishing the mother, and the mother will not set boundaries for the child. It's raw warfare. Neither of them has to "win" yet I wonder what the long-term cost may be.
5
Parenting is a difficult thing and I greatly appreciate the author's vulnerability and openness in this piece. It pains me that the author is trying to find common ground with readers, because this is not typical behavior for a five-year-old child. When I read the title, I assumed it was about a girl's emotional changes from the age of five to the teenage years. I was quite surprised to find that the child is currently five years old. Nobody is a perfect parent or child, but I really hope the author finds a way to get some professional help for both her and her daughter. As stated, I am not expert, but I have been a classroom teacher for almost 25 years and can emphatically say that this behavior is far from normal. Please find a child psychologist in your area that clicks with you and your daughter.
7
After reading this beautiful piece (admittedly, I did wish for earlier mention of consultation with teacher and/or therapist too), I naively expected the Comments to be filled with sympathetic parents describing their own struggles with difficult children, or simply those grateful for the author’s evocative prose on the bittersweet business of growing an independent human. But no, instead there are cries of “Too Long!” (our crisis of poor attention; ironically the same ones accusing the daughter of ADHD); self-righteousness and judgment (“I would never let a child behave that way!” “What a cold hearted mother!,” etc); and then of course those eager to pathologize the daughter (Bipolar, antisocial, PANDAS...). I don’t have children- part of the reason hoping to spare myself as a target for this vitriol so willingly aimed at mothers- but I DO know that it is easy to pass judgment from the outside, and very hard to live inside these realities. My bright and sensitive niece went through a similar period of explosive tantrums at age 5- only at home, glowing reports at school- and my poor sister rushed to the teacher, doctor, therapist, fearing a lifetime of mental illness for her daughter. Thankfully, it really was just developmental and passed; also thankfully my sister was talked down from giving niece a label/diagnosis. For all you with easy kids- great- but I’m also glad for the complex, challenging, emotional kids, and to not define ourselves by our behavior at age 5!
6
My son had always enjoyed school (if not the homework) and the teachers always told us positive things about him in class. But for some reason he and his 3rd grade teacher had difficulties - call it conflicting personality types or what ever, I don't know but it was not a smooth year. But after that year he was happy in school again, and we were back to the "love to have your son in class" for every year after that. He is in college now.
We could have sent him to therapy, or his teacher for that matter, but I expect that unless they observed the two of them interacting it would be hard to say why there were issues.
1
A well-behaved, mild mannered child who enjoyed preschool has a meltdown every time she has to go to kindergarten. The only evidence presented that the child was fine at school was the feedback from the teacher. If new kindergarten pupils with anxiety cannot be escorted into the school by a parent I would be suspect of what is going on in the school.
There is (or was) something seriously wrong with this situation. Child should see a pediatrician or therapist to rule out abuse and the parents need to figure out what changed (who left the school system or is there a new victim) when the situation suddenly improved
9
Alice Miller’s DRAMA OF THE GIFTED CHILD as mentioned by others seems appropriate reading. Consulting a therapist does not mean there is a serious problem and should help make everyone much happier. A good therapist will have ideas which will make it easier for your child to admit that she enjoys school and loves her parents.
2
Amazing story! Thank you for sharing it with all of us. I couldn't stop reading. Your G is a sensitive child responding to changes more profound than we, as adults, understand. Our childhood experiences are far away and even the 'trauma' of having to go to a new school with new rules and new people is subsumed in new experiences as we grow. Everything, and every feeling all those things generate, is new and must be processed individually. She, and you, did a good job.
3
Your story reminds me of 'The Hero with a Thousand Faces', of how myths can help sooth the fears and uncertainties of growing up. Your child is a lucky girl to have you as her mother. Your way of dealing with her and your own internal growth is beautiful. As a mother myself, I also go through the same feelings on a daily basis, and I draw energy from stories like yours and all the tales told over generations to help dealing with these transitions. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story, and please don't be discouraged by the negative comments!
6
@Alice
I think the kind of parenting described is more about the mother's needs, or the mother's image of herself, than the child's. She portrays herself as simultaneously completely baffled and out of control, with no insight at all into her child's needs or problems, searching in the dark - and at the same time deeply sensitive and thoughtful, ever patient and always accepting. It's about the mother's self-image.
At least, that makes more sense to me than believing this mother is really THAT un-self-aware.
1
@Alice
I think the kind of parenting described is more about the mother's needs, or the mother's image of herself, than the child's. She portrays herself as simultaneously completely baffled and out of control, with no insight at all into her child's needs or problems, searching in the dark - and at the same time deeply sensitive and thoughtful, ever patient and always accepting. It's about the mother's self-image.
At least, that makes more sense to me than believing this mother is really THAT un-self-aware.
1
My son went through 5 years of on and off anxiety from age 5-10. It turns out he has PANS/PANDAS, a neurological condition that has a sudden onset like the authors daughter had and is the result of an inadequately treated viral infection like Strep, Pneumonia or Lyme and other tic borne illnesses that attack the brain. He too was a happy-go-lucky 4 year old in full-time pre-K who in the summer between pre-k and K all of a sudden was refusing to leave our side. All of his relapses, or flares as they are called, have coincided with an illness but it took us 5 years of detective work to figure it out. I hope that it doesn't, but if this behavior continues to be a problem, the author should find a PANDAS/Lyme literate pediatrician or pediatric neurologist for bloodwork to look for infection.
7
Like others I struggled through this piece. I kept awaiting a diagnosis of what looked like a serious disorder, while I also felt uncomfortable with the very personal and detailed depiction of this young person that the same young person may well not appreciate in the future. But what completely floored me, as a parent of an adult offspring, was the end, which told me that I was to be relegated to the cheap seats as I observed my offspring’s activities from an ever increasing distance. Is that really what awaits every parent? Yikes.
5
At that age I think transitions are particularly hard. I find my son vehemently saying he doesn’t want to go to school, he hates it, or he doesn’t want to go to a play date, or the park. All things that, once we arrive, he runs eagerly to. It is always in the moment when he has to leave what he is doing that he finds the most distress. I think at that age they are so present in the moment, that if they are happy in the moment, change to a new setting seems like a change from current happiness, especially when they are not in control of that change, so they resist, regardless of what the change is.
5
I went through a period in 1st grade where I dreaded going to school. I'm not sure how long it lasted (I'm sure my mother does though) or why it happened (I did just fine in school prior to, during, and after the whole spectacle). As my mom would be driving me to school in the morning I would get more and more anxious, I would tell her I didn't feel well, my stomach hurt, etc. She would have to pull out of the carpool line because I refused to get out of the car. A few times she gave in and didn't make me go, but usually she had to walk me to the door of the school. I vividly remember the time she walked me all the way to my classroom and I laid on the floor sobbing and clinging to her ankle while my teacher (who I adored) gently pried me off... in front of the entire class. Nobody, probably including me, knew what the problem was. And then it just went away.
5
I find the story to be so inconsistent. It makes no sense to me. I have a great deal of experience with troubled children and troubled families. I infer that the writer is not an accurate reporter of events.
For example, what caring parent would not talk to the teacher within the first few days? What interested parent would not have frequent brief conversations with the child that would elicit details of the day? Kids are no match for adults. Even children who have been subjected to the worst traumas imaginable are eventually responsive to kind, gentle inquiry.
I don't judge this mom, but I think the story is largely fiction or exaggeration - very well written, very compelling, but not true.
27
I have a grandson who behaved similarly. He hated school, and when he was younger he cried every morning on the way, even to nursery school. The teachers always said he was delightful in class and very well behaved. He has suddenly changed this year, his 6th grade year, because school has become interesting to him. He has several teachers, among them men teachers for the first time, and he particularly loves History and Math. Every child is a puzzle, and this mother's patience in trying to solve that puzzle is admirable.
3
In much the same way I wonder how children will feel about their parents having documented their ENTIRE lives on Facebook, I wonder how this child will feel about her mother sharing her kindergarten year and it's traumas with the world. How easily we overlook the privacy rights of our children.
12
Parenting is not about making a child happy. That's why it's not reassuring to hear that your daughter is "happy" while she is at school.
A parent disciplines (read: teaches/not punishes). A parent who loves his/her child disciplines -- invests in the child to meet proper expectations (not too high and not too low).
1) Yes, all day school away from parents is too much and inappropriate for five year olds. They still haven't mastered emotional self-regulations, which is what the anger results from. Yes, emotional breakdowns are common the first weeks of school because today's kindergarten is completely inappropriate for the social and psychological development of five year olds.
2) So that makes every hour and minute you spend with her all the more precious. You have to teach emotional self-regulation. The best part of your article was denying your daughter's demands to play checkers at the cafe or indulge her other request. The rest of childhood does not parallel on demand breastfeeding.
3) Kindergarten was instituted 150 years ago here in the US to wean children from the influence of their parents. Public education reform has been my passion for two decades. So I'm intimately familiar with much of the machinations of public school and district development. I'm also a private school teacher.
4) The best you can do is continue focusing on helping her accept a world she doesn't control. And that also may be part of the backlash you experienced this past school year.
9
We saw a child psychologist for our healthy son who exhibited some minor behavior issues that cropped up during a major transition, a new baby. It was incredibly helpful, but definitely directed at skills for us to use with him. Parenting is hard and kids can definitely be mysteries.
5
I am a mom of two young children and appreciate reading this honest description of emotions. Being a parent is complex. And it is very difficult to manage at times. The author was very brave to share any aspect of her personal story. Let us all please keep in mind exactly that - this is a story, a small selection of tidbits that she has shared - albeit inspired from her real life. We do not have the full context outside of the story, so let’s please ensure we recognize that when posting our comments.
2
It sounds like she has autoimmune encephalitis probably triggered by an infection.
5
This little girl has way too much control over her parents and it terrifies her. The demands, ultimatums, and threats she is making scare her parents, but the fact that her parents tolerate them - and moderate their own behavior in the face of these threats - scares her even more. School isn't the problem. School introduced routine, structure, order, discipline . . . and provided an environment in which she is thriving. It is the contrast between school, and a home environment in which she is clearly the boss, that is causing her to act out so severely.
34
I know an adult like G. and am wondering if I should buy this person "The Tiger Prince" book...
5
Waaaaay too long. And the situation went on for way too long. The author thought she could figure it out on her own, that her bond with her child would win the day...eventually...
This story is not over...as a writer, the analysis of her daughter's behavior and their relationship with continue...
Hope G turns out OK.
10
Why is publicly sharing your thoughts about your young daughter a good idea? An ethical endeavor? Or legal?
10
This child should be evaluated for PANS/PANDAS. Anger/rage, school refusal, perseveration, and separation anxiety are all symptoms.
8
The NYT Picks are all comments saying the child was too young for school, and they have very few recommendations from readers. Meanwhile, the readers commenting here are universally wondering why the mother waited weeks and months to inquire about her child's complete personality change, and why she dropped it and simply accepted that it was "all fine" after the interview, even though her daughter had had years of daycare and formal preschool that the child loved.
Happy sweet kids who go to preschool like that but refuse to go to school when it's a new place have absolutely no issues with parental attachment. Something terrible, like bulllying or abuse is obviously going on at that school, in that class. and girls are very sneaky about it...cruel words whispered, being shunned, having no friends...the teacher may miss the quiet bullying for a long time if the noisier kids are yelling
Which explains the detective pretend play....bullied children always dream of becoming the all wise authority figures that their parents and teachers are not.
And when the child wheedles and praises the mom for being so good? She has realized that telling her mother how terrible the class is directly wasn't working, so she is trying a different tactic. Same with using that line on the teacher. This child has given up telling. Biggest confirmation? She went calmly to daycamp.
She needs an adult somewhere to believe her. As a mother of 3 children and a survivor of abuse, I would listen.
14
I would have taken my kid to therapy by November. So weird that author didn’t pursue further when she found out her kid was happy at school!
12
My son, an only child, is 32 now. I do not recall thinking this deeply about his childhood behavior. Wonder if I was a dumb mother or the author of this column is hyperanalysing. Teen years were no picnic, But the son completed garduate school and is gainfully emp;oyed. So, my unsolicited advice - mom, please chill.
8
You know mom - if your baby is doing better and letting this out made you feel better, ignore them all. These comments and judgments is what’s holding us moms back. Yes sometimes it is a warning sign and sometimes a cry for attention and sometimes a phase - my God, it’s all intense and all real and that’s what makes us mothers.
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” —Maya Angelou
6
@Patrice fully agree
Someone sent the tiger book? Who? Why?
4
As a person who was once an anxious child refusing to go to nursery school, a former teacher and the parent of a now-grown and happy but then hyper-sensitive, artistic emo child, I cringed my way through this piece. Using literature as a lens through which to explain your child’s definitely atypical behavior made me want to scream. Yes we love books too, but get your head out of them for a minute and ask all those people you’re texting for child counseling referrals. Believe me, these childhood episodes are unlikely to be “one and done.” They will come back again during future transitions. Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems. And by the way, I don’t much care for public airings of childhood mental health problems except in a therapeutic context, which the New York Times is not. Shaking my head.
25
Article is too long. I also think your child has PANDAS or PANS. It is an autoimmune nuero disease triggered by strep or other infections not detected. Her body than mistakenly attacks the brain causing behavior issues, OCD and instrusive thoughts. I’d get her tested for strep and get other labs done.
6
I can't decide whether I simply don't believe this story (a kindergartner saying "I am losing more than my temper"? Really?) or if the writerly use of MacGuffins and Red Herrings - the lit-crit detective obsession that leads nowhere, the "mystery" of the behavioral disturbances that is set up but never resolved - just annoys me. What I do know, though, is that no parent should allow a "kind maternal officer of the law" to drag a frightened five-year-old into school (or anywhere else) "by the armpits." If I was inclined to take this tale seriously, I'd start there as reason enough for the child's terror.
12
The author needs to look at the emerging research looking at kindergarten anxiety and the problems it creates such as lowered immunity and decreased learning ability. Cortisol levels go thru the roof. It’s not a joke and as an educated woman she should have sought for help from someone.
9
Some advice:
-Teach moderation. Model moderation.
-Set limits and stick with them. (ie, "Hitting Mom is not okay. Go to your room for 15 minutes') If G refuses, withhold preferred items/activities.
-Verbally support the right behavior whenever it happens.
-Involve Dad more
-Stay off the roller-coaster
9
Why not talking to her teacher or the school counselor? Maybe something else besides the separation bothering her?
4
The whole time I was reading this I kept thinking this child needed a therapist.
9
There’s a very interesting documentary called My Kid’s Not Crazy about a syndrome called PANDAS. Please look it up, I won’t be able to explain it well, but my darling, darling niece had it and changed overnight from an angel into a deeply disturbed kid. It was brought on by a strep virus. Some doctors don’t believe it’s real, but thank god some do and were able to help. She’s back to her sweet, loving self now but the school she goes to knows now to warn her family of any strep infections in the vicinity which could set her off. It was HORRIBLE, but has been successfully managed for several years now.
8
The story reminded me of the writer’s novel “Atmospheric Disturbances”. I don’t think she is really describing her own experience literally.
3
The Case of the Angry Daughter? Or The Case of the Parents who Couldn't Accept Their Kid Should Start Kindergarten a Year Later?
8
So beautifully written. Thank you!
1
I don't like your story. You broke more than my heart.
~ a sad Mama
5
Beautifully written, but truly frightening. I won't go the way of the armchair psychiatrist, but if the quotes from this 5 year old are accurate, along with threats and actual violence, I can't believe that outside help wasn't consulted. Clearly the child is loved, bright, and creative, but this article described a situation out of control. What will happen in 10 years? And what will happen when that future 15 year old finds this article was published in the NYT?
10
Dropping a two-month old at day care. Unfortunately, that says it all.
12
That was a really boring story that went on way too long. No way my parents would have allowed me and my siblings to act like that.
They sent us out in blizzards to play. We drove them crazy, and they yelled at us.
It worked out fine. We were obstreporous, and they somehow managed to deal with it, as most parents do, haha.
4
Fever. Heat. Has your daughter run even a small temperature preceding kindergarten or during? Please speak with Tennille Richards of Pittsford NY, an expert on what happens to children who are genetically prone to rage, anxiety or ADHD and suffer childhood temperatures.
1
This author has offered a meditative essay about the mother-daughter bond and the mystery of children, as they grow up and grow away...
...the nature of which seems lost on most of these commenters.
This isn’t a parenting column. Do you really think this author is looking for help or offering her advice? Come on people.
3
@S Meditative? Mystery of children? As a psychoanalyst who has worked with plenty of families I can tell you that something here went really wrong, and it wasn't with the child. If the authors point was supposed to be about children growing up and away then she clearly missed her audience, as the majority of these comments clearly show.
3
The first few paragraph of this article were riveting, but then it went on and on into irrelevancies that I didn't care about. I skimmed many of the interminable paragraphs that followed to find out what happened to the child. Did she get therapy? Did the mother seek help? Did the mother get to the bottom of her child's fixations with this fantasy detective agency? Nothing. It really evaporated for me, but left me troubled at this deeply disturbed child and the plight of the single parent.
8
@James R Dupak There is a father in the home! Not a single parent! The writer is mainly discussing her own feelings.
1
I had a friend at work who had a darling child. This child would scream and cry each day and beg to be kept home from school. By closely listening to her daughter, the mother’s discoveries revealed a cruel teacher. The mother immediately confronted the school officials, who refused to consider her accusations. She moved her child to another school, the child loved it and that was the end of her morning tantrums. So, listen to your child.
Also in my opinion children need boundaries, and this child has none. Boundaries make kids feel secure and protected. In this story, it appears to me it is the mother who needs the most help in learning how to stand up to her kid.
11
This was beautifully written. I feel like other commenters are too quick to insinuate that there is something “wrong” with G. If her challenging behavior had continued to the end of the school year, then yes, therapeutic treatment would be a good idea. However, G and her mom figured things out on their own. I think G’s behavior was pretty normal for a child going through a big life change.
I say this as a mom of a child with two chronic health conditions who also suffers from anxiety and is twice exceptional; he has been in therapy for many years. We began therapy when we realized that his anxiety and anger weren’t going away and that he needed support from someone outside of our family.
I think therapy for children is a wonderful thing, but I also believe that we need to understand that growing up can be really scary. Children don’t have the same tools to deal with their emotions that adults do, so they’re not always going to do so in what adults perceive as an “appropriate” manner. Although, G voicing her frustrations by saying “I am losing my temper! You are more than breaking my heart!”, shows me that she is actually pretty adept at expressing herself, especially for such a young child.
4
This story screams of an invisible illness that my child suffers from called Pandas or Pans, based on the trigger. Infection. Most likely some type of infection or virus is causing brain inflammation and Mia-directed immune activation in this child. I hope this mother has solved her child’s medical “mystery”. It begins as a mystery to be solved. 1/200 kids- rare- but also misdiagnosed,under-diagnosed & MISUNDERSTOOD. For my child, it is exposure to Strep A that causes separation anxiety, sensory issues, and at its worse, hallucinations. I pray this mother has been guided.
5
To me, this is a separation matter, both for mother and child--not the school. I think that your daughter may feel guilty for leaving you & for enjoying school. She is trying to prove her love with tantrums that show the strength of those feelings she has about leaving you behind. Her art also shows this ambivalence.
As a parent of a kindergartener and one younger, this behavior seems so extremely foreign. Yes, there are mood swings and meltdowns (which, like my own, are often the result of overwhelm, exhaustion or low blood sugar). And there’s anxiety — currently a fixation with death/longevity — but... something’s wrong here. A good report from a teacher isn’t gospel. My child’s teacher is solely responsible for 25 students, and two crops of them at that (it’s a half-day school). She can’t be any child’s personal developmental psychologist.
I don’t say any of this to throw shade, or pretend that I’m doing something better (I can promise you, I’m not), but to alert the author and anyone who relates to this that something else is at play. A mood disorder? Sensory processing? No clue. Not my wheelhouse. But this poor girl needs help from someone who does know, and who can provide real help.
8
This mother did not bother to talk to the Kindergarten teacher for more than two months, and then only when invited to a standard Parent-Teacher conference, despite her daughter's excruciating terror at going to school?
Looking back, she waxes eloquent about various professionals' theories of child development, but does not notice her own horrifying error of omission?
As the mother of two daughters, one brilliant and shy and the other with a genetic disorder, and two equally different grandsons, I sit here stunned.
11
Maybe the author could attend the annual workshop held at Bank Street College (upper West side) titled, Where's the Garden? Very few school administrators understand how inapprorpriate Kindergarten is these days. G. is very articulate, however behavior is a powerful way to communicate.
5
I actually felt stressed reading this and couldn't read it all. All I could see in this piece was a child screaming out for help...not sure if it is physical or psychological, but that's why there are professionals who can help.
10
I’m glad G finally got happier but I would not have put her or myself as a parent through a year like that. What if there had been actual abuse going on? What message does it send a child when the parents refuse to take the child’s distress about a school seriously? If G ever really does run into serious abuse at school or elsewhere as an older child, will she even bother to tell her parents?
9
This behavior would have freaked the heck out of me. I would have pulled my child out of school, it was very apparent she wasn't ready. I would have found a counselor to talk to and help guide me through this obviously horrendous time. I don't find anything glorious, wonderful, great mother/daughter relationship going on, I find this incredibly bizarre.
5
When you hear teens are stabbing strangers, and teens are getting violent in ways I never heard of growing up, in the US...America needs to examine itself in every way. American media, social life, parenting, schooling, etc. have to be all examined. The world should not have to choose between chaotic undisciplined violence and authoritarian regimes. It appears the world has few role models culturally. And women too have to know the difference between unbridled emotionally and healthy feeling centered self. America never blames it's TV, the internet and social media. It should. When I watch these things after prolonged refrain from them I realize how Americans talk with ignorance, arrogance and aggression, while few listen and calmly and correctly respond. People who grow up with this perpetually are bound to be messed up. Quiet! America needs quiet. It's good for the mind. So do other cultures and countries.
1
I didn’t have any children mainly because I don’t want them to suffer in the coming climate apocalypse. After reading these comments from such obviously perfect parents, I’m even more relieved not to be in that club.
1
The first thing that came to mind was the word autism. Simply because I am autistic and behaved in a similar way as a child.
7
Sometimes the right thing for kids is to be ignored. Back in the day (60 years ago, in my case) families were bigger, and any given child could not expect the undivided attention and concern of a parent, at least if they were not injured or ill. I feel sorry for kids these days -- how suffocating.
4
Lovely piece. That beautiful, final paragraph made me cry. I'm still In the front-row seats, but I know my time there is limited. The fourth row awaits.
1
I am not an expert in child development, but if this was my child, I would be concerned. Where would a five year old learn about ultimatums like the ones quoted? Someone must be making them to the child, not a good thing. Where would a five year old get the idea of throwing themselves in front of a subway? Anxiety is normal, but this type behavior needs some expert advice, or, at the least, some introspection about what this child is learning from their environment.
9
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability writing this piece. And ohhhhh my friend, please get to a therapist. I am a kindergarten teacher who has taught over 500 young children and you have some serious work to do to get to a stable place where your 5 year old child is never reassuring you. That is NOT her job. And it IS your job to provide firm boundaries for your child. You allowing your child to yell at you is damaging your child. What do you think is going to happen when she is a teenager? Get help. A child raised in the environment you are describing is crying for some adult stability and to be reassured that the world and her mother’s life does not revolve around her. It is not too late, but it may soon be.
448
@Kathleen Yes! Exactly the advise this mother needs!
44
Amen. The child is suffering too much. The parents (together) have the duty to get this to a better place. We'd seen intense 5 yo rage, and had professional guidance from the start to learn what to do. We now have a teen now whose rage is very occasional, but very much milder and self-managed (who has taken ownership of the situation, and asks for help when needed).
A therapist will also know if medical intervention (psych, neuro, developmental) should be looked at.
29
@Roba as per my earlier post, children are being robbed of free outdoor time, very notably at public elementary schools, but also on our streets, where they can no longer just play and make it up for themselves. Parents should be guardian silhouettes to children, for most of the day, i.e. there but not there.
20
Those are not normal feelings for a 5 year old. I highly recommend she be seen by a professional (pediatric neurologist or developmental specialist). She is suffering.
317
@cd2001 Right??? I was reading and trying not to be judgy but what the heck. If my son had a sudden shift in behavior and it went on for more than a few days I would have him checked out, meet with school admin, etc. I really couldn't figure out the point of this story, written as a literary type piece but with a serious childhood issue at the heart of it. Too clever by half and very dismissive of what the child was going through.
54
@cd2001,
Your daughter reminded me of my son, who has high function autism, ocd and anxiety. I would start with a prescribing psychiatrist to see if she would benefit from anti-anxiety or mood stabilizer meds.Your daughter is so bright she would benefit from counseling with a pediatric practitioner. She would benefit from understanding her moods and some methods to calm herself. She reminds me of my son who needs to feel in control of his life and spins into a spiral of a meltdown when he doesn't feel in control. A counselor is helping him to devise solutions himself before the spiral is full blown. This requires creative thinking on the part of staff, which is not always present, so the avoidable meltdown occurs.
Good luck. With appropriate professional therapy, you can just be loving Mom, not the person who needs to constantly understand and fix her world.
15
Oddly, the author of the piece is an MD herself, but I don't think that's mentioned anywhere in the article.
9
This sounds SO MUCH like what we deal with in the PANS/PANDAS, post-infectious Autoimmune Encephalitis world. They can hold it together for a awhile, sometimes, but it is more than about transitioning. It is about the brain being attacked and what was once easy is now very, very difficult. I highly recommend doing some spy work into the winding corridors of our world. There may be some important clues to find.
3
Thank you for this beautiful account of a difficult transition for parent and child. This is an example of patience, love and the resilience of both.
2
This story breaks my heart. This all could have been avoided, and this child would thrive, if she was enrolled at Sudbury Valley School.
I had to be separated from my mother by force, screaming and crying on the first day of kindergarten. But I got over it on the second day. My mother was a deeply loving person. But she would never have tolerated getting into an argument about what day it was or indulging my manipulative demands that she come to school with me. I would have been sent to my room, but I knew better than to act like a brat. Parents have a responsibility to explain to children that screaming demands will not be tolerated either at home or in the outside world. I was appalled by this article and most of the responses.
22
Just to serve as a curve ball: I wonder, if G. was outside in the woods all day with her class would we anticipate the same behavior? My daughters (three and five) attend Waldorf school and I've always rejoiced in how secondary I can become to an expanse of woodland or marsh, and to their freedom to trespass across them.
5
@Caroline
Waldorf schools come with plenty of problems of their own. If your children have had a good experience there I'm glad, but many have not. They are certainly not free from bullying or abuse.
We start at a very young age dealing with the existential difficulties of being a person. Change is one of those difficulties, and this little person is dealing not only with changes to schedule and structure of day (kindergarten) but also probably, as you theorized, changes to what it means to be your daughter.
Some people struggle fiercely against reconciling themselves to change. If they are loved through the struggle they learn that they are lovable, and if they are allowed to struggle they learn that they are enough. This is a wonderful gift to give a child you love.
Feelings are never wrong. They’re not necessarily right either—they’re just feelings. Assign them status beyond that and you risk being run by your feelings rather than just having them. Reconciling the gap between how important feelings...well, FEEL, and what they are is another of those existential difficulties, perhaps the one that defines our current turbulent times.
5
You sound like you have a wonderful, intelligent and creative child. I think that sometimes these sorts of kids grow up unevenly, having all this intellectual ability, but unable to vent it in the way they wish. To me, it sounds like you are handling things very well, sometimes you just have to hold on for dear life, you know? The most important thing, IMO, is to keep that connection. I wouldn’t be in a hurry to diagnose her with anything, there are now so many labels for everyone it really becomes stultifying. The school has been exposed to many types of children, and they’ll let you know if they see a problem.
If she continues to object to go to school, you might address that with them. My son’s first-grade teacher was doing too much coloring and dancing for his taste. He wanted to study math and science. He refused to go. The school was amazingly accommodating, and started a small math group and then let him home-school math. It’s very different than when I was young.
Best of luck. Enjoy this amazing child you have.
6
Thank you for this beautiful description of something that must have been so incredibly difficult. Your daughter sounds exactly like my child. There was raging and screaming over mundane differences of opinion or things not precisely meeting her expectations, violent school refusal and teachers shocked to hear of our travails at home. Once she dunked one of my sweaters in the toilet and threw it at me. Her moods were unpredictable. Sometimes she could gracefully lose at cards and other times the deck would be angrily thrown in my face. It went on for years. In my desperation I sought psychiatric evaluations and medical testing. We tried charts and other behavioral techniques and SSRIs and ADHD stimulants, but when a doctor suggested the antipsychotic Abilify I drew the line. Nothing was making a dent in the problem, but numbing a bright child who could sometimes seem so normal seemed horrific. When a school guidance counselor suggested Lyme disease I cajoled my daughter to an integrative practice, where she seethed and raged and had to be held down by three people for the blood test. They found several tick borne illnesses. Treating those has saved us. Lyme, strep and other infections can cause autoimmune encephalitis. It is possible your daughter had that. If it comes back seek medical help, not psychiatric diagnoses. In the meantime, read Susannah Cahalan's book Brain on Fire, and consider writing about this. Thousands of families are suffering and you can help!
9
My three kids were all different. I checked out the schools carefully before sending them.
Yes, I carried my daughter right into the classroom about three times during Kindergarten, when she seemed to be testing the "I don't want to go" theme. The rest of the time she seemed fine. I thought we'd had it handled.
Today, as they are adults talking to me about their elementary school days, I get the feeling that I messed it up. There were problems, real ones in their eyes at the time, and I didn't get it. They also didn't tell me in ways I understood, until now.
Why? They were embarrassed. They did not want to disappoint me. They did not want to be that kid who was disliked by the school. Those were not good reasons. They were however reason enough for how my kids behaved.
If I had it to do again today, I'd be a lot more curious and a lot more critical of the school. I might even sit in on classes, for which arrangements can be made, but that can be disruptive and be a cause of exactly the sort of problems I would want to solve.
Bottom line, I'm not happy with how that went, nor with how I handled it. If I were this author, I'd be even more unhappy. Something seems wrong. I don't know what it is, and that makes it worse, not better.
9
Knowing, and adoring, Rivka Galchen’s writing, makes me think her daughter has inherited her brilliant imagination. I adore Galchen’s “Atmospheric Disturbances”. I look forward to reading her daughter’s magical realism novels in the near future.
All these comments from contributors suggesting medical conditions are the cause of Galchen’s daughter’s imagination, make me glad Galchen is her mother and not anyone else. Rivka Galchen is one brilliant writer. Sounds like she’s a brilliant mother too.
7
This could very well be a case of PANS triggered by kindergarten boosters. Try Motrin and Benadryl to see if it improves her mental anguish. If it does, you’ve got PANS on your hands.
4
@Jill Did you read the whole thing?
I kept reading and wondering when the child would be assessed for Autism Spectrum Disorder. Clearly, the behavior exceeds signs of separation anxiety due to school attendance.
2
I find it odd that a mother would write a story for publication about a child that is clearly suffering (while being allowed to rule the household). The little girl needs a medical evaluation and the mother might do well to see a therapist.
20
It seems that the destructive actions of a child were tolerated and not restrained. Thanks
8
We weren't able to have children, but I volunteer with 5-6 year old girls with Girl Guides (Scouts).
What an interesting and fraught age this is! The other leaders and I often talk about how in some ways it doesn't make sense to group together 5 year old kindergarteners with 6 year olds in Grade 1. The differences are astounding. The maturity, the capacity for emotional management... and that's just generalizing. Between girls there are different rates of confidence and ability. The whole point of the program is to encourage them to grow in both those areas.
But I marvel at their resilience and their fragility. They will pop up from a crashing cartwheel, but meltdown completely if they think they won't have time to finish their pipe cleaner and bead snowflake.
But most amazing is their vast universe of imagination and the unbridled way they express love for all things - from a dinosaur drawing, to the idea of camping, to us and to each other. They can also hate all these things with equal fervour. They are like a crayon pack of emotions.
I say, give them security and boundaries but let them scribble in the bold colours of emotion so they can discover who they are.
7
This sounds a lot like Pans/pandas. It’s not always sudden onset and strep is not always a trigger . In my sons case his culprit is mycoplasma pneumonia. It has caused him to have severe anxiety, mood swings, rage and sometimes school refusal.
8
@Nicole massa Did you read the whole thing? People suggesting and insisting on medical disorders don't seem to have paid much attention to the actual piece.
Your child was crying out for help,what kind of inconsiderate school won’t allow parents to walk their child into school, why don’t you parents stand up and demands change in the policy? The common core standards have ruined kindergarten for youngsters who are not allowed to be children in kindergarten anymore. I would have found a new school for my child ASAP. Your child was experiencing trauma and what a horrible way to start school. Shame on that school.
6
Perhaps she's eating something at the new school which is contributing to her aggressive behavior? Artificial colors and flavors, for example? Or possibly she's going through a form of premature puberty? It might be a good idea to have her hormones checked.
Clearly, this poor child was too young to go to school. I wish society recognized individuality in this regard and that it was considered normal to hold your kid back a year. Not everyone matures at the same rate.
5
This is a compelling article and reminds me of my PANS son’s behavior.
The rage she shows and her obsession with detective stories are akin to my son’s sudden and chronic obsessions with origami.
I would seriously consider getting her checked by a PANS/PANDAS doctor. Often there’s an immune system reaction to a virus or allergies that trigger antibodies that pass through the blood/brain barrier and inflame the child’s brain causing erratic behaviors, rage, and obsessive compulsive disorders.
My son, like the child, spent the entire school day holding it together and not revealing his symptoms and PANS behaviors in front of his peers and teachers. Once home, he becomes exhausted and lets go on his parents. Sometimes it’s rage and anxiety-filled rants about how he hates school.
This article rang true to what we’re experiencing and needs to be dealt with as a medical issue first and foremost.
11
Interesting read. Mood changes. Kid meltdowns. Balancing unconditional love and appropriate behavior boundaries. My wife and I have experienced this as parents and grandparents. Perhaps more of a parenting relationship challenge for a Mom who is home much of the time, working as an author while raising a daughter with no siblings? Mom as always available playmate can eventually be a challenge for parent and child. Absolutely loved the grandmother's metaphor about raising children and where the parents sit in the theater as the children grow up. So true.
3
What a beautifully-written story. As others have commented, the author ought to look into PANS/PANDAS. Little is known about these conditions and one often must see a specialist to get diagnosed. But it is highly treatable, especially if caught early. It is autoimmune, not behavioral, and the mechanism that causes it is not well understood. My daughter, 12, has been lost to us for years, because we treated her psychiatrically and with therapy. Nothing helped. She now has chronic PANS (just diagnosed this past spring), which will be far more difficult to address. I too went through the same thought process — was I too lenient, too strict, too distant, too absent, too available? It’s not your fault, mama. Look into PANS/PANDAS as soon as you can.
8
The Angry Daughter sounds like the years I lived with three angry sons. We learned that our boys’ angry, erratic behavior was due to a dysfunctional immune system. They suffered from PANDAS/PANS due to strep and mycoplasma pneumonia. Titers to these were elevated but they had no signs of illness....as a matter of fact their temperatures were sub-normal. When treated for the elevated titers with antibiotics, the behaviors were eliminated. After years of treatments to eliminate infections and reboot the immune systems, their doctor thinks their immune systems have recovered and been “re-booted”. They are middle and high schoolers now who love school and extra curricular activities. They are still snippy at times and have messy rooms.....but they have with lives back and I chalk those things up to being teens!
9
My first thought was the child was showing signs of being Bipolar, possible Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder or falling somewhere on the Autism Spectrum. Perhaps there was even some abuse that was going unnoticed.
In any case, she should have been taken to a professional for evaluation and not subjected to her mother's attempt to self-evaluate via external mystery stories.
21
@Kris To you and all the others who respond this way: why are your first thoughts to medical issues and medications? I love and agree with how this mama handled her daughters unique situation. Yes, sometimes the issue is medical but not always. No wonder we are an over medicated society turning our children into zombies for the sake of better grades and submissiveness to parents and teachers. Yuk!
@Luigi Because I have seen firsthand how a late diagnosis of bipolarism can not only affect negatively an individual but an entire family. Likewise, I've also seen the results of hidden abuse manifested in a (now adult) person who is still struggling to find their place in life.
I'm not advocating the wholesale prescribing of medications as you assert, but at least an evaluation of the extremely unusual behavior is recommended.
2
When you hear teens are stabbing strangers, and teens are getting violent in ways I never heard of growing up, in the US America needs to examine itself in every way. American media, social life and parenting are very backward. The world should not have to choose between chaotic undisciplined violence and authoritarian regimes. It appears the world has few role models culturally. And women too have to know the difference between unbridled emotionally and healthy feeling centered self. America never blames TV, the internet and social media. It should.
5
What a brilliant and wonderfully complicated child G is!
There are parents who realize you should not treat young adults as a child, but who do not understand that you should not treat a child as a young adult.
7
I have taught kinder, second and now third grade in a university town with diverse parents. I hold my students’ emotional development level with their academic endeavors. I’m also mother of two elementary aged children, one on the autism spectrum. From the beginning this article made me cringe & never stopped. This is one of those parents for whom I “prepare myself” at conferences, yikes!
15
@Kait : As a teacher, knowing one of your students had to be forcibly dragging into the classroom every day, wouldn't *you* have done something?
1
This was actually painful to read, and I read only hoping to find a happy ending. The parent is looking for clues. The clues were right in front of her. The child was unbearably unhappy with the school, with the situation. Why didn't she talk to the
teacher right away? Why didn't she listen to the the child in her agony? Having the guard physically force her into class was disturbing. What an awful start to school, to separation, to life.
16
@Gloria Utopia Agreed! I mostly like the way in which this mama handled her daughter but totally disagree with the police officer dragging her daughter into school. I would never let that happen. I teach middle school and have also taught at the elementary level, there is something disturbing about young children seeing fully armed officers, often tattooed and over inflated, walking the halls of our schools.
2
Wow! The world is still so far behind in recognizing this illness. This is PANS/ autoimmune encephalitis. I know because my son has it. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with discipline, the teacher, modern parenting or mental health. The symptoms are classic PANS. Rage and aggression at home (not at school), separation anxiety , OCD ( detective stories) handwriting regression. Many PANS kids have all of the above and may also have verbal or motor tics, head and tummy pain ( as in my son’s case) and often an inability to leave their bedroom , let alone their home. They only show symptoms initially in their “ safe” home environment. Eventually many can’t keep it up and have to be homeschooled. Your daughter is suffering and I pity all the undiagnosed children around the world who are unfortunately placed in the wrong bucket for diagnosis. Infections like strep, Lyme, mycoplasma, or in my son’s case, mold, coupled with a weak genetic ability to detoxify cause an immune dysfunction that attacks part of the brain causing neuro psychiatric behaviors and pain. The hardest part is diagnosis because people can’t understand why children may often keep the behaviors under control in certain environments- it looks behavioral.
My son was hospitalized twice before eventually getting the correct diagnosis. Some children ( the lucky few) are diagnosed early and given the right antimicrobials for the right pathogen may witness all symptoms disappear overnight. Find a specialist.
14
A lot of folks have an idea about what could be the problem here, but the common thread is that there is a problem. I too have two intelligent, emotional, artistic kids and I can relate in a lot of ways. Not all kids are the same, but over the years I have come to believe that when kids tell you how they feel, believe them. They may not know why they feel bad but the feeling is there. I am not going to try and pin this on any cause but rather say when your kid doesn't want to do something that much, there is a reason.
Also I will add that as a parent you are the person paying for that school, in a sense you are the customer. You have every right to exert yourself to the extent of taking your child to class. When I got to the "the school officer carried the child in" I cringed. How terrible would it have been to walk in with the child over that? Your district is doing a disservice to you and your child and I would advise addressing that issue right away.
14
@Duncan : If you read the article carefully, parents are *banned* from walking their children to the classroom. The school should've bent the rules for this child.
2
This child sounds emotionally disturbed and/or traumatized. This is not some variant of normal behavior. Why does it sound as thought the mother-daughter dyad is the only one in the family? Where are the father and older brothers? It is everyone’s job to reward good behavior and frown on things like threatening mom with physical violence. My older son, as a very young child, set a standard in our family for calm cooperation and obedience, and he and his brother follow through with that now even as teenagers.
19
@Sherrod Shiveley not all children are submissive. Some can think and feel for themselves at a very young age and when not allowed to do so, are enraged. There is no one size fits all and personally, in the world we live in, I don't want to raise a submissive child.
1
Lovely story. Thank you.
2
Thank you for this honest account of having a 4 year old. I have a 1.5 and 4.5 year old. My 4.5 year old is similar to this child - spirited! Many ups and downs and high drama but also high emotional intelligence and sensitivity / aware of others.
From all I’ve read - a spirited child needs a firm and confident leader, strong boundaries, and people who love them and welcome all their feelings. Reading Janet Landsbury has literally saved my life and my relationship with my daughter - since you are an author you are probably already aware of her (really Magda Gerber’s) life changing work. Basically the main point is accept all the feelings - they are all ok just as they are! You don’t need to try to fix anything or bend or give in or make the feelings go away...all you need to do is accept and trust your girl.
Anyway...just wanted to say, you’re not alone and your child is perfectly normal and you are a great parent. Keep caring and seeing her for her wonderful wholeness and loving her fierceness - it’ll make her a great leader one day!
Xoxo solidarity
10
@Melissa Right on! I totally agree.
1
Only child in America allowed to behave like this , the parents actually allow it. You don’t see this behavior outside the US and A, because parents don’t allow it. Keep the story coming because more change to come : middle school, high school, college ... and on and on. Good luck best girl in the whole world !
8
Totally untrue, kids in other countries who act like this are walking around with belt marks, bruises and other signs of abuse- because the behavior does not stop and parents don’t talk about it. Why does a parent have to hit a kid more than once? Because the behavior does not stop. This seems uniquely American because the mom is sharing, not talking about set limits (which some kids just barrel through), treating it as a puzzle and really doesn’t, in writing, seem all that upset about it.
not long enough. i love this story!
What a beautiful and engaging piece of writing. Never have I read a parent’s vision that got quite so inside the child... even without understanding what was going on for the child on the outside. I think your daughter is lucky to have a parent who cares so much about figuring out how to see things from her point of view... even if in the end you didn’t quite “solve the mystery.” Bravo to the parent, big more so, brave to the writer.
2
This is classic PANS/PANDAS/AE. This is a child suffering, much like my own, from a pathogen that is causing inflammation of the basal ganglia. A pathogen as "simple" as streptococcus or as "complicated" as Lyme disease can cause afflicted children to suffer from seperation anxiety, school refusal, OCD, rage, tics, food refusal, sleep disturbances, and more. It can come on suddenly or creep in stealthily. It is not mental illness, it is not normal childhood behavior issues, it is not poor parenting, it is a misdirected autoimmune response which attacks the brain. It is not a rare disorder, it is an underdiagnosed and misdiagnosed disorder because there is no test for it and it does not fit nicely in the medical textbook box. It is treatable, by treating the assaulting pathogens. Bring awareness and education and proper treatment to PANS (Pediatric Acute-omset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome/PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcus)/AE (Autoimmune Encephalotis) and end the childhood mental illness epidemic.
28
@Jaime Winters I had this exact same thought. The detective obsession, rage, and mercurial swings were huge red flags for me.
11
I see a lot of angry kids these days. Many times they are only children. All the parents love and energy is focused on them. The parents have trouble treating them as children and cave easily to the anger and demands. This mom has let her child bully her and she's paying the price. It's could get more physical as she gets older. She and her child need professional help. Mom needs to set boundaries.
21
@Debra : I see a lot of angry kids too -- and almost every single one of them has one or more siblings.
The issue is not family size. It could be mental illness. It could be trauma. It could be bullying. But it's not family size, and it's insulting to parents and only children to blame lack of siblings. It also prevents people (parents, schools) from getting to the root of the problem.
2
Such a beautiful and wise piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it.
2
Could it be that she’s ... 5? My 5 year-old alternately loved and and loathed me and I’m just waiting for that to happen with her little sister! I don’t know, they’re just so dramatic. It’s so intense. Maybe she wasn’t ready for kindy; is it too late to pull her and have her start next year? Five is still really little.
3
I see a lot of comments here that seem to think this behavior is very troubling and that the parent didn't do enough. I am hesitant to judge on the basis of an essay that makes a narrative out of what was not likely experienced so coherently. However, I have a child who went through major behavioral changes after a move followed by starting preschool, and I can speak from experience that these situations aren't clear, they don't immediately require the intervention of a therapist, and they aren't always signs of some greater trauma (although of course that possibility should be ruled out, and the parent should check in with the school). The behavior may be cumulative and only in hindsight do you know how long it will last, if it will get better or worse. Everyone we consulted with - including our pediatrician - said that if our kid was doing fine, well-behaved and socializing in school (which he was) he was probably just going through a difficult adjustment at home, where he knows he's loved and secure, acting out there because he knows he can, and that it wasn't clear that he needed therapy. In the end he got better without therapy, although we did start calling around before it improved. Kids can be very complicated, especially the highly gifted ones, which my son is, and which I was.
9
All of these things can be a sign of dyslexia, dyspraxia, adhd, giftedness, bipolarité and other difficulties.
Kindergarten is requiring more of her. To organize, be agile with her fine motor skills, social skills, so many new challenges. It could be that she is noticing she is not up to these challenges, even if the teacher is positive that all is fine. It takes a fine eye to see dyslexia, to take one example, so early. The same goes for giftedness, and all the other things I mentioned.
Fear not, this just makes your child exceptionally interesting, if challenging. She will thrive with you at her side, but not hovering. When we get help from others, we hover less and the child suffers less.
You can take her to her pediatrician to discuss these things. He or she will guide you further.
Please get her help. She is clearly begging for answers.
I hope your next article is all about her, and the help she has gotten for her troubles.
9
A learning challenge/difference such as Dyslexia, some non-verbal learning/processing difficulty or dysgraphia, etc is what I first thought. It can be surprisingly difficult to recognize at early ages. You might want a Orton-Gillingham trained expert to evaluate her.
I remember the first day of day care. As I was leaving my daughter, I watched a mother leave her son. He was happy to go join the play. I caught the look of disbelief on the mother's face. She then called out to the happy boy to tell him how much she was going to miss him, and not to worry that she was going to pick him up, and don't cry. She did it about three more times, and when she was done he was crying. She then consoled him, patted him and left looking serious yet content. I have watched parents do this over and over, men and women, but mostly women. When I left my son 4 years later, he was crying and had to be held. I gave him a quick kiss and a hug and walked out without turning around. Five blocks away I got a text from the daycare with a photo of him smiling at play with other happy kids. It's not always that simple but one thing is certain, children who are less socialized by obsessive possessive parents who constantly grasp out of self-serving desire for their own comfort do nothing good to their children. Love but not possession.
20
Absolutely. This. Additionally, children’s perception of their emotions and their validity come from the validation they receive.
7
The child should have a full medical evaluation by a doctor who is an expert on inborn errors of metabolism.
Psychiatrists do not have the specialized knowledge needed to recognize and treat one of these disorders.
These disorders are individually rare but there are many of them so collectively they are not rare.
An error of metabolism may not be present in this case but a full MEDICAL evaluation should be performed to rule out the presence of metabolic error.
It would be tragic if an error were missed because of failure to perform a full medical evaluation.
10
I found this article excruciating, rather than edifying or entertaining. How did this mother not immediately go speak to the teacher to see what was going on at class, instead of making analogies to detective stories? I'm assuming that conceit is a whimsical after-the-fact literary strategy and wasn't what happened in the moment. The child's fears needed to be immediately heeded and the school and teachers contacted. To aestheticize her child's pain and fear as an elaborate metaphor instead of seeking immediate and practical remedies and possibly moving the child to a different setting just seems monstrous.
76
Yes. It’s striking to me that neither parent requested a meeting (or even an email conversation) with the teacher prior to the regularly scheduled conferences. My child attends a large public school, and the teacher, counselor, principal, and a host of specialists offered up their contact information for every parent before school even started. I’ve never felt uncomfortable sending a quick email to the teacher (not expecting an immediate reply, of course) to pose a question or head off a problem before it escalated. Maybe I’m lucky, but several other teachers I know in other districts/states operate this way, too.
6
You really need to find a doctor to test and treat for PANS/PANDAS. My son had it, and I have read hundreds of stories like yours on PANDAS support groups.
22
My son had similar school anxiety and similar rages, but his behaviors are due to chronic infectious autoimmune encephalitis (often diagnosed as PANS). We looked for years to better understand it, and often met dead ends such as the writer, but seems odd that she went no further than her own research.
Not saying this child definitely has something wrong but the message seemed to be wait it out and it’ll all get better on its own. For SO many, the longer you wait to talk to a professional, the harder it is to track down what’s actually happening and help.
25
I am an elementary school teacher with 25 years experience. After two weeks of this behavior, the parent at the least should be visiting the classroom to observe, as well as meeting with the teacher and principal for guidance. Highly disturbing that any parent, especially one as erudite as this author, would ignore the need for intervention.
87
@Jessica Friedman : After two weeks of an "officer of the law" dragging a child into class by the armpits, shouldn't the *teacher* be inviting the parents to meet with the school administration, visit the classroom, etc.
Just because the author is a good writer doesn't mean she knows how the school system works -- or that she's not intimidated by navigating it. It's really up to the school to be pro-active, and given that they were physically dragging a school-refusing child into the classroom every day, they clearly knew there was a problem.
1
I find this story sad rather than humorous. Clearly a case of autoimmune encephalopathy. This child has my heart and I’ll do anything to advocate.
20
You need to have a second child PDQ
Then the child and parents can learn flexibility and consideration for others. Caring for someone else and sharing the stage are important lessons.
Also, I agree with previous comments about bullying.
6
@Almost Can’t Take It Anymore : If the child is being bullied, a younger sibling isn't going to help the problem.
Also, no one should bring a child into the world under the false assumption that it will solve the mental health or trauma issues experienced by their current child. All the doom about only children has long ago been debunked.
5
No one seems to be noting that this kindergarten class was apparently in an elementary school. I would think it might be scary for a five-year-old to suddenly find herself surrounded by kids as old as 11 or 12, even if they're not in her classroom.
9
@NYC - :)) I thought school was scary right up to graduation. Its quite a jolt to go from mom's loving lap to the school cafeteria.
3
My child, now 18, had fits of rage & forms of OCD that made me wonder if she was on the autism spectrum. Her anxiety began in kindergarten, but other noticeable symptoms (hair-pulling, deep depression) began later, in 6th grade. Two important things happened when she was 15: we moved to a new home & had to hospitalize her for suicidal thoughts. Things got worse. A year later, after adding panic attacks to the list of symptoms, we got an accurate diagnosis of infections (Lyme & Bartonella specifically) that were causing inflammation in her nervous system & brain. Elderly people are tested for infections when they have drastic changes to their personality; why not children? Sometimes these infections are due to being bombarded with new germs at school, or to a moldy environment. You are a good mom; you know there was a specific time when her personality started to change. I wonder:was the kindergarten room moldy in some way & she did better once away from that environment? Many kids control & hide their feelings while at school, but fall apart in the security & love of home, where they know they are safe. When we moved into the moldy house (which we discovered 2 years later), my very independent younger daughter started having nighttime separation anxiety. We bought a baby monitor (for a 4th grader), trying to help her realize that she was safe. Her infections were the same, but symptoms totally different from her sister's. During rages, did G have very dilated pupils?
20
@Laura I had the exact same thought. The child had a severe personality change. Was it preceded by a tick bite, environmental exposure, or even something as simple as a case of strep causing PANDAS? More investigation needs to be done on the part of the parents.
8
If your child has a sudden onset of emotional disturbances, behavioral changes, psych symptoms accompanied by ocd behaviors or food restriction behaviors.
Scedgule an appointment with a neurologist and have a large number of blood works done. Our 13yo had what looked like schizophrenia with other thing. Eventually I stumbled upon something called PANDAS through reading studies on brain inflammation. Reoccurring infection, usually strep, create inflammation that effects the brain.
The list of things improved by reducing this inflammation is lengthy and bloodwork confirmed strep is her issue. Regular antibiotics won't eliminate it, there weren't any typical symptoms. More people need to know that this is effecting people who are just handed antipsychotic meds or anxiety meds when they needed bloodwork and perhaps immunoglon treatments.
26
I’m going to be honest. I never would have been as patient with a child who tested my every word. I don’t know how she kept her sanity. On the other hand, is it possible that her ambivalent approach fueled the chaotic world in which the family found themselves?
15
Thank you for shainrg your daughter's story. It sounds to me as if she had a very hard time with the huge change from preschool to kindergarten. It is too bad that her school would not allow a transition period, where a parent could walk a child into he school. Being forced in by a stranger must have been so frightening for her! And the academic push of today's kindergarten often leaves out the time to find comfort and friendship in a natural way. If she is still having a hard time, you might try play therapy. (I do that with children of all ages- It can be a wonderful release for feelings).
12
What month was she born in? A child born in August may enter kindergarten at 5 in the eyes of the law, but emotionally and physically 4.
9
While the child is bright she could still have learning issues. Before jumping to conclusions, I would have a specialist in learning disabilities evaluate her.
4
So glad to see the comments of other parents here. My husband and I are thinking about having our first child. When I read this, I decided we would stick with dogs. This seems impossible. Glad to hear this is not everyone’s experience and that the appropriate thing to do is get help from teachers and therapists rather than just letting this kind of situation continue without end or insight.
20
Kids are like the weather: if you don’t like the current season, they’ll be different in a few months. Basically, it’s great fun.
8
@Jo Marin
Actually much of it is not great fun if your child is troubled. It's chilling.
1
I've spent the better part of four decades as an educator, administrator, and researcher. My first response was that the mother needs to talk to people at her child's school. I then got to the bottom and I saw that mom writes fiction for children. It then made sense.
32
I thought the same thing, cellodad. But I’ll made a note to not purchase books by Rivka for my grandchildren as there seems to be a bit of a mean streak in this article, and manipulation that obviously was missed by many readers as the comments here reveal.
5
@cellodad : Why is it the parent's responsibility to make first contact when there is a problem? Why isn't the *school's* responsibility to proactively reach out when they saw the problem? Clearly they knew, because they had to have an "officer of the law" drag the child into the classroom by her armpits every day.
Way too long
41
Well, this was disturbing. Not at all about the child, but about the Mother and her incessant, earnest trying to get into the child. You are a writer. But now you have another job, and it may actually get in the way if you let it. (Have you comforted your child?)
31
This kid has borderline personality disorder and is not going to get better.
17
BPD should not be diagnosed until age 18 per the DSM V. I would encourage you not to suggest medical diagnoses based on an article about a child, certainly if you are not following the recommended criteria! She’s a kiddo, ups & downs are normal, so let’s drop the armchair diagnoses.
It's either Sponge Bob or something creepy on her iPad. Or both.
7
Wow. So good.
5
I had a similar experience when my daughter was in her second year of preschool. I thought she was acting out because her dad was just deployed; the teachers said everything was fine with her at school. Then, one day, I was at the school for an event and a boy in my daughter’s class (also age 3) walked up to her out of the blue and scratched her across the face so hard she bled. He denied he did it, even though multiple adults witnessed it. Only then, when I raised Hell and spoke to other parents, did I find out this bully was known to the class and that there were earlier incidents involving my daughter. Believe your children. They might not have the vocabulary or experience to articulate what happened (my daughter didn’t yet know the word “bully”), but their behavior will scream it. A teacher doesn’t see everything that goes on. Take any behavior change seriously and don’t turn it into an allegory, article, or intellectual exercise for your own benefit. Instead, immediately talk to the teacher, school counselor, and other parents to see if they are seeing anything with their own kids. Bullying starts young and our children are exceptionally vulnerable. It’s our job to keep them safe, even when we send them to school.
105
My son was bullied in a similar manner. He had loved preschool and then started to hate and fear it. I repeatedly asked the teacher if anything was amiss or something had happened. I made extra effort to go into the school early and do playground duty. Finally I saw a girl (she had Downs and was violent with smaller children) dragging my son behind the outdoor playhouse. I stopped that interaction. When I confronted the teacher she admitted that my son had been hit, spat at, etc by this girl. I pulled him out of the preschool immediately. When I stated the reason I was leaving and wanted my tuition back, the secretary told me the same girl had attacked her son and her son required stitches! Sometimes there’s more to the story than just the story!!!
7
Frankly, NYTimes, is this fit to print? All these peregrinations... no real specifics. The kid sounds like a genius... and highly manipulative... "Trumpian?" Who knows what the future will bring? Will she want to Trans? and there's much that's worse. I think she's the next Agatha Christie or a Hollywood writer.
BTW six is the beginning of the age of reason. Five is still a baby.
18
Get help.
33
Please find your child a new school.
29
She's got a drama queen of a mother.
51
This essay was interminable.
65
I mean no disrespect, but I know the Times fired all its copy editors; has it fired its text-editors as well? Speaking as a longtime journalist, I found this piece roughly three times as long as it should have been, and almost unreadably repetitive. It contained some interesting insights, but good lord, somebody get the red pencil.
250
OMG, I thought the same. It made me nauseous, kept reading in hopes the girl would be ok in the end, but no, shipped to another country, foreign language camp... ugh...
5
@NYCGal
I bailed out earlier than both of you. Whatever interest I had in the beginning took a nose dive. Ugh.
2
@Maggie Me too! It dragged on to no end, and finally I started skimming for the sake of finishing it. It was a big swing and a miss for me.
2
I rarely cry when reading articles. You made me cry Rivka. What a fascinating piece. You and G are so lucky to have each other. Can't wait to see our 36 and 40 year old offspring during the holidays before I end up in the paradise seats. Actually I must already be there.
8
I’m also writing from Norman, and agree with you. What a charming and insightful way of dealing with this intense age! My daughter is in kindergarten at the moment (I believe at your alma mater, Ms. Galchen!) and I have loved all of your parenting pieces so far as they’ve resonated with my experiences as well. (The one in the New Yorker over the summer was just beautiful.) I look forward to reading more of your work.
2
All it takes is an exceptional teacher one year, to make for a horrible, next year. Kids aren’t as resilient as so many would like to believe.
10
Not the comment anyone wants to hear, but reading this, I am ever so happy I decided, at the age of 13, to never have children.
25
It looks like the kid is terminally spoiled and terrorizes her overindulgent mother, who does not really want any separation from her, even at night. The clue is that she really enjoys school when mother is not around, and pretends to hate it when at home. She is very smart and definitely ready for school, although some children are not at this early age.
26
I actually think a core element of detective stories -- and in particular Agatha Christie -- is the fact that sociopaths exist, they walk among us, and they are very hard to detect. You can meet a sociopath and not know it. And that is the most disturbing thing about them.
Figuring out who is nice and who is mean -- that is critical in school, and it is a lot harder than it looks. That is the core of detective stories, and it may be what she is struggling with. I wish her luck.
10
I’m so happy I did not have children. But if I did, and this child were mine, she’d have been at a psychologist’s office stat.
45
Lots of thoughts about this: 1. Why didn't you just hold her back for a year? What was so crucial about starting kindergarten at five? 2. You seem very considerate of her but you seem to be utterly failing at teaching her how to be considerate of others, you in particular. She abused you with the kicking and threatening but no word about how you (gently but with no-nonsense or pandering or guilt tripping) informed her of how those actions were not even the least bit appropriate. You seem to have simply quietly absorbed the blows, teaching her that you are available as an emotional punching bag. 3. She is clearly a very bright child. I would have exploited the "detective" in her to help you solve the mystery of her feelings, maybe by contriving a story about a girl who is miserable. Let her search for the clues as to why. From what you described, I believe she could have come up with something revealing, maybe to you both.
37
The majority of research in this area shows that holding kids back a year does more harm than good,m.
1
@LP Because of when I grew up, I was allowed to enter first grade at five and never went to kindergarten. I was always the youngest in my class going through school and being shy and sensitive, always at an emotional disadvantage. I regret that decision made on my behalf. School would have been easier if I'd had another year to mature.
1
I cry for G. She can’t express what is really happening and I fear for her.
22
In agreement with all those who say that this child was clearly being bullied, and that the teacher either was unaware of or lied about what was going on - or participating in it. Re the detective stories, as someone who has read some of those, a couple of things stand out. One is that the children in these stories are never acting alone - they have a best friend, or more usually are part of a gang of children, and have supportive adults around. Did this child have any friends outside of school? Was being part of the crowd what she was yearning for? And detective stories are all about finding out secrets. Big red flag. What secret was she asking her parents to find out when she wanted them to play detective? And oh yeah, Sherlock Holmes was not unaware of the real world - after all, Dr. Watson is a disabled veteran of the Afghan war, and in one case he takes on the KKK.
20
The comments on this essay are off the charts. Nearly everyone seems to know, having read a short essay, what the real problem with this kid or her mother was, and the full solution.
Back off, everyone. You can have your judgments but have some humility too. Possibly, you and your prescriptions are wrong. You don’t know the whole story, and none of us, certainly none of us parents, have gotten it all right.
32
@Lindsay - When the author made the choice to publish an extremely personal and subjective article about a family problem in an internationally-read newspaper that sponsors an on-line Comment section, she opened herself up to positive and negative suggestions about her child's situation and her parenting choices. I certainly hope Ms. Galchen's decision to use the media to share an aspect of her life's story was worth it to her; she could have done what at least 99% of us not sharing our adult lives do - use our time to consult and work with true experts about complicated and highly personal problems. If I were her, I would have gotten my child's problem clinically solved and then shared the results afterward in order to help others.
10
Not hard to realize this child’s behavior is clearly abnormal. Professional evaluation clearly indicated. (I would know as a child psychologist.)
2
'I'll kick you in the face!' That's what struck me. In what dimension of reality is that acceptable behavior? Or any of the other tantrums this child threw? Behind the eloquent language in this piece all I could see was a mom who didn't want to do the hard work of disciplining a child or spend the time to find out where that behavior was coming from. And throughout the entire piece I couldn't shake the sense of emotional detachment and that this was an intellectual exercise and not a child who needed to be taught limits and that behavior has consequences. I'm not looking forward to your essay in 10 years about an out of control adolescent.
83
If my child were that upset about going to school for so long, I'd look a lot more closely at exactly what was happening during the school day.....
This piece seems to go on and on and on.... and I learned nothing from it.
56
What a shocking story.
If a child at home is allowed to punch and kick her mother and scream until she gets her own way, then the school environment, where these behaviors toward others are not tolerated, would be stressful indeed. This child sounds intelligent enough to perceive that she needed to modify her own behavior in the classroom to get along, but the mental strain must have been immense. If the child’s home had taught the same respect for others that the school expected, the contrast between the two environments would not have been so taxing for her.
32
@Kathy
If a young child said something like that to me out of the blue, my first thought would be to find out whether anybody ever said anything like that to HER.
4
Clearly a gifted child with an advanced ability to communicate, who may not have been heard / understood properly by her parents : in the context of the set mentality to institutionalise our kids at certain ages - without taking into consideration the vast differences between the children dumped into our public schools at the hands of people with widely varying abilities to handle their charges. The descriptions raise the questions of underlying mental health issues that could slowly diminish over time ; or escalate into anxiety disorder as an adult . As a large percentage of our institutionalised adults display.
Honestly - consider the greater representation of ‘uninstutionalised ‘ human beings from the USA among that Great generation who were handed the job of clearing the world of murderous Germans and Japanese troops - who were perhaps the best militaries that the world had seen. Would the current millennial generation have handled this task with the same resourcefulness - if they had the same technology to deal with ? Extremely unlikely . They would have likely been stressed out by the situation- and failed.
Let’s talk about perhaps having a more flexible attitude to the stupid schooling system we now have .
4
Sounds like an irony of America where the parent doesn’t see the school is clearly a bad fit for the kid despite signs and protests.
10
I had many flashbacks with my own kintergardener here, and I have also taught kintergarden myself. One thing stuck out about this narrative: the threats of violence. Kids' brains can sometimes be reptilian, and they can do things that are truly anti-social. However, I would never let my children physicallly threaten any memberr of the family. That would call for a timeout, at least, at probably a family meeting. Your parenting sounds way too permissive for me, and it sounds like your husand is not involved enough. This, from a hipppy parent. Just wait until she becomes a teen!
37
I was very surprised while reading this that there was no mention or consideration of consulting with a specialized mental health professional i.e. Child Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Family Therapist etc. unless perhaps this did take place but was omitted in the essay.
41
Our son didn’t talk until he was 5. He started kindergarten too early and was placed in numerous remedial programs. Teachers, counselors and school psychologists implored us to place our son in their severely disadvantaged program. We insisted on him being in the mainstream classroom. We strived to avoid clinical diagnosis and labels. We consistently supported our son in constructive ways. He’s an extremely conscientious and persistent human being. Next year he starts at Yale as a freshman. They progress and grow out of it. We’re not going back to the so called education professionals and shove it in their face, but we did discuss it.
13
Wonder how other parents in your child’s class viewed this decision. And the school who no doubt had to arrange for all types of additional supports so you could keep your child in a regular classroom.
@S : The child was late to talk and had an aid in the classroom. So what? How does that negatively impact the other kids? I started elementary school in the mid-1970s. Kids with "issues" were segregated, even in the mid to late 1980s in high school. I entered college having never met anyone who struggled or had a neurological difference. How that is good for anyone, I don't understand.
2
@Clark Griswold I had friends who were parents of a child. He never spoke. Never. I disappeared from church for a couple of years and then showed up again one evening. I sat in a pew, just being quiet. He approached me, “Where have you been? I have not seen you in a while.” I turned around and notice his parents were in shock. They said it was the first time he as ever spoken.
One thing I noticed was important was for my children to understand was that sometimes they have to adapt to the world they live in and not expect the world to adapt to them. That's why some of these comments surprise me.
7
As a child of blue-collar Scandinavian immigrants from the upper Midwest, it's almost unimaginable to picture either of my parents indulging in this degree of parental navel-gazing or tolerating this type of behavior in a child. We were packed off to school and that was that.
40
I have to say the author is so over indulgent to this child, insecure and letting her manipulate her so much that I winced. After a while I just gave up reading the rest of it.
School was hard for many of us and I remember how much I hated it, too and what I did to get out of gym class which was the worst for me. What I didn’t do, however was to create a melodramatic retelling about those days and about each detail. Why? Because I know we all have our own struggles and it’s a bit selfish to harp about it.... this is exactly the kind of issue one confronts in family therapy.
41
@JH and you walked 2 miles to school every day uphill both ways in a blizzard.
Gifted children (which it appears this child is) are often both more sensitive and less emotionally regulated than other children. They take offhand comments very seriously sometimes. This makes them bully magnets. If a teacher doesn't know what is happening among the students, that could explain the deep rage and fear that this poor child experienced.
15
I haven't read all the comments but so far haven't seen any from an actual kindergarten teacher. That would be me. I used to dread when children had parents like this woman. She uses up a whole lot of words and months of time to finally figure out that her child is growing up. Well, duh!
Where I taught parents were allowed to bring their children to class and I saw moms (it was ALWAYS the moms) clinging to the child, near tears themselves as they almost willed the child to object to entering the classroom. My tried and true method was to spell out to her, "J.U.S.T. G.O!" very quickly and as kindly as I could. In every case, after the mom finally let go, the child came into class and happily joined in the day.
This mom waits till the parent teacher conference to even talk to the teacher who told her the child was doing pretty darn well in the classroom. She seems surprised by that fact, maybe even saddened by the knowledge.
Seems to me the child was simply acting out what the mother was actually feeling although too grown up to act like the little girl she truly was inside. Thank heavens she has such a bright child who survived the mom's separation anxiety.
31
@shirlyujest - I'm a preschool teacher - there are times a colorful piece of duct tape needs to be placed on the floor near the class entrance with an encouraging sign indicating to the child that this is where you kiss, say "see you later", and then go. And this is mostly for the clingy parents (of which I was one). Give the parents and children control with tools such as the line and sign.
Children who have screaming fits to get what they want do it because it works. It is a successful strategy so they keep doing it. A child who threatens to kick her mother in the face should not receive a successful outcome that reinforces that type of violent behavior. She should have been scolded and sent to her room to contemplate her behavior.
Screaming fits are exhausting work for a five year old. I don't know what these parents do to put G to sleep but I would recommend that they put her in bed, read her a story, sing her a song, tell her they love her, turn out the lights and leave the room closing the door after them. If she screams and cries don't respond like a dog to a dog whistle. She will wear herself out after awhile and fall asleep from exhaustion. A few nights of that and it won't happen anymore because it was an unsuccessful strategy. This is not recommended for babies because they need to be checked to be sure there isn't something actually wrong.
Children are born with an innate drive to get what they want. It is a loving parent's responsibility to separate the child's needs from its wants and raise it to make good decisions and behave as a decent functioning member of society.
25
The youngest person to every become pregnant was five years old (she gave birth at six), which means that that person was experiencing hormone levels necessary to ovulate at five. Rare but not impossible. Your daughter sounds as though she could be experiencing extreme PMS. I would have her hormone level checked. Even though you look for horses rather than zebras, it doesn't mean that zebras don't exist. Testing would be risk free and relatively non-intrusive and could be presented as some other form of medical investigation for the time being.
4
@Harley Bartlett
Good grief. My two cents: Brilliant manipulation of a fretful parent.
1
Whoa.
1) It took how long for the mother to contact the teacher?
2) When she found out that the kid was happy at school, and probably polite, she was given important information: the kid knows how to act responsibly, but for some reason, figures that does not apply at home. It would take her by the shoulders, firmly direct her to her room, and inform her that she is NEVER to speak to her mother that way.
3) Cue the critics.
20
Your daughter is a very smart, verbal, imaginative girl who knows how to read people.
No child should be that miserable and not want to go to school for that long - especially one that was adjusted at her preschool. Her unhappiness at going to school can initially be read as an adjustment situation a new school (perhaps) larger school building, more and older children around. Most concerning are her tears and raging for such a long time and not wanting to go to school. Children mimic things that have been said to them and things that they have heard. I would have been concerned by the words, specific sentences she said to you to express her anger. Where did she hear these sentences to repeat to you or who said them to her? On the positive side she felt comfortable expressing her anger. It took too long for her to acclimate to the class. Your conversation with her teacher was interesting. Apparently she presented without any of the acting out you were experiencing at home. Children in the class were pairing off as best friends she didn’t have one. Do you think not having one was something that might have bothered her even though she never expressed it? She might have felt on the outside It might have been a good idea to have playdates so she too might have a best friend. There is no way to know if this was of concern to her
I am glad the issue resolved itself, had it not I would have suggested placing her in a different environment - changing schools
8
I am a psychic reader and detective. I work with law enforcement to solve crimes and locate missing people. I have appeared on true crime TV in this capacity. I am also an artist and writer, so I'm very lopsidedly right-brain (all the tests prove this, lol). While reading through this extremely interesting, rather left-brain article on the techniques of literary detectives, as well as the fascinating way the author became a detective herself to better understand her child, here's what came to me.
There were one or more threatening, strange, dysfunctional or in some other way scary individuals at the school in question. Kids are super creative and right-brain. It's mostly as adults that we become more "logical." Emotionally, kids pick up a lot of background stuff going on that adults don't, and many are actually little creative geniuses. I remember my mother complaining that I was "an epiphany-a-second," like it was a bad thing. Maybe this little girl was picking up on somebody or something creepy at her school, but couldn't exactly say what it was, or was afraid to because she was being threatened not to tell. Could have been a sadistic custodian, the teacher herself, or a class bully. Kids are vulnerable, and there are bad people who take advantage of that.
11
I taught first grade for 30 years (recently retired). This is NOT normal behavior. So many possibilities including sexual abuse and mental health problems.
Seek professional help immediately and start with the teacher! This was so disturbing to read on so many levels.
112
I see an adult teasing out the emotions of and playing mind games with a five year old. Mom maybe was enjoying herself. Could be that’s why she didn’t involve professional help.
25
I'm with DG in Ithaca and the Finnish model. That will never happen here, but thank God this child wasn't mine, because I never could have dealt with that kind of behavior.
My parents did not tolerate bad behavior, mouthing off, sass, temper tantrums, or any kind of words or actions that were rude. We were allowed to be angry, but we were certainly not allowed to act out. My four siblings and I turned out just fine, thank you. No depression, no trauma, no horrible behavior issues as adults. Discipline, consequences, and having to live up to my parents' standards of behavior were GOOD things.
Wait until G is in her teens, and the hormones kick in. Sometimes kids just need to be chastised, punished, or made to bear real consequences for their behavior. The real world will never be so kind.
12
Are you implying that depression and like conditions are the result of parenting?
3
OK, so that is a genius closing paragraph.
Thank you Rivka Galchen.
1
I’m not a psychologist, but I think one ought to be consulted, because these are the classic signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. Devaluation and idealization oscillating rapidly back and forth. Manipulative behavior. Extreme mood swings. And so much more. I have experienced these behaviors in several people I love with BPD, and this “case” is so spot on that it was actually somewhat triggering. I hope you will consult with a psychologist, and wish you and your daughter the very best.
39
If my kid acted like this I'd freak and assume something was terribly wrong. Forget the business about Sherlock Holmes. A child who draws like this, screams, has tantrums, a drastic personality change, is a child who is suffering.
Parents should immediately seek professional help; alert the school; talk to mental health professionals and definitely take the child to the doctor.
I wouldn't do this to my kid.
59
Poor old G.—she had to run circles around everybody in order to express herself and be heard. Perhaps she just neededmore time at home, in pre-school, at the park, in whatever more comfortable unstructured environment she enjoys. What's the hurry to be in kindergarten?
7
I am sorry, I am a mother and an Aunt to 15.
BUT Don't ever let a child be that upset for that long.
My guess is that the other girls in the class were being horrible to her.
To anyone reading this. If a previously happy well-adjusted child is suddenly this angry and unhappy it is not a phase, it is a problem to be solved.
Listen to your children.
She is not asking for a pony, or fancy shoes, she is telling you that she is miserable at THIS SCHOOL.
The teacher told you that all the other girls have best friends and she does not.
This is not a phase she is going though. The pain she feels is real. The problem is in the school- NOT in the little girl.
29
My son was like this from 4-7. They were horrible horrible years for both of us as well as the rest of the family. You can not minimize this behavior’s effects on the siblings. The separation anxiety turned into rage and threats to kill himself, kicking me....I tried a child behavior therapist who insisted their was no medication to help and declared him cured after 7 sessions. I was like you need to come to my house and tell me that. And then I found a therapist by calling an psychotherapy institute who recommended a wonderful therapist/social worker. That, with the introduction of Prozac, saved us. Now he is 14, happy, kind, works hard (still in therapy and on Prozac). Long road, but there can be light at the end of the tunnel.
7
Has this kiddo been evaluated for autism? I ask because often kids keep it together at school but lose it when they get home because it requires all their social skills and energy at school to survive the day and home and mom is the safe place.
12
This is a terrible story..
That child is telling her mother every day that something is wrong and she isn't listened to.
Instead the mother talks about herself, and her various interpretations/literary comparisons, and meanwhile her daughter acts out constantly.
I don't mean to sound unsympathetic.
But as a parent of 2, both now grown, I can't imagine this daily scenario, and doing nothing but self-flagellation.
The point is to listen. The point is to help.
I'm glad the author isn't my mother.
83
poor little girl, for all the hand-wringing and intellectualizing, it's all so passive, w v little real empathy or problem-solving here. I actually wondered if the author might be on the spectrum, not to blame that in any way, but it might help explain the v weird focus on the literal, e.g. the interest in detective stories. telling perhaps too that the daughter tries to become the problem solver in her own family as head of her own detective agency, and in the end maybe just gives up to find more emotionally savvy peers outside the home at school and at camp... sad tho and hard to read...
28
Your daughter sounds very imaginative and will make a wonderful author since she already has the gift of storytelling. A chip of the old block as they say. As for the excerpt from Frog and Toad read those stories also with my son and I think it resonates with children like a warm blanket.
2
I'm sorry your friends kept telling you this is a phase or a transition or something. Months of continuous weeping over kindergarten is not just a transition. My son, cried every day on the way to pre-school for weeks. He even cried the day we drove their to tell them we were withdrawing him. The minute we left he was a happy go lucky kid. We found another preschool and he was thrilled every single day. Never new what was wrong with the other one but clearly he was deeply disturbed by it. I don't think it was a transition. That's a lot of daily trauma for a 5 year old.
44
Really lovely story but so hard to read. I’m not sure I could have continued on course with Kindergarten. Maybe she simply wasn’t ready?
3
About when to start school:
I was #6 of 9 children. I had asthma serious enough to need a tracheotomy at age 2. By a fluke of parochial school rules, my birthday just missed the deadline for starting kindergarten at age 4 . So I was almost 6 when I did start. Given my health, my mom didn’t consider this a bad thing.
I took to school like a fish to water and always excelled. I wasn’t athletic, but even in our tough urban ‘hood, I never got bullied, prob. because my age meant I was a head taller than almost everyone in my grade. A sister just younger than me, #7, started on the late side as well. She and I were the first of our siblings to receive university degrees (she and I both went on to careers in higher ed.).
IMO, parents need latitude and to exercise judgement about when their kids start school. It’s a hard call—some kids will be ready sooner, but some will truly benefit from another year in preschool or at home. Family finances also enter into it, obviously. I recognize that my large family with a stay-at-home mother would be a rarity in the present-day US, aside from some Mormon and Hasidic families. But years after her last kid finally completed HS (after some struggles), my mom confided in me that she wished she had let him mature another year before he started kindergarten.
8
Yes. That break with our mother is so painful. The need to be in the unloving world, away from the loving world. The need to compete in order to survive is very frightening to many children. I remember just the chaos of pre-school terrorizing me. I liked order and quiet and it was just the opposite. I'm so glad my mother didn't force it on me but allowed me to grow into kindergarten and first grade. Thank you. Good story.
1
I am not a psychologist.
But I have two degrees in education, used to be a public school teacher, and I have three kids.
There are MANY indications here with the girl that she should be professionally evaluated. Immediately.
At first I thought she was throwing fits about going to school because she was being molested. As I read on, it became clear that was not the case.
For a five year old, her vocabulary and sentence structure, her intelligence, and her imagination are all off the charts.
However, her behaviors are manipulative. The screaming, the emotional threats, taking away her love, her extremely intense focus and clingy attachment to the mother, the depth of the mood swings, the kicking and hitting, the tears used to get her way, saying she's going to run away from home - at FIVE - all of this is very alarming to me.
The mother cancels work trips and outings with friends to calm her daughter who emotionally tears the mother apart until the mother does what she wants her to do. The DAUGHTER is telling the MOTHER she has "two choices," and can sustain a tantrum for two hours. At school, the daughter is fine, which means the fits are to control mom.
But there's more here.
The parents need to quit excusing this aberrant behavior, or wrapping it around normal growing up pains, or clingy-ness, or mysteries or anything else. Open your eyes and address it. This will get worse.
My guess? You're looking at bi-polar or anti-social personality disorder. Or both.
83
Or simply a child totally at the center of her parents lives who KNOWS it. In any case, yes, I too was struck by both the manipulation, the violent thoughts and clinginess AND the mother's willingness to adjust her OWN schedule to make daughter feel better. Daughter has learned she has the upper hand. Talking with a profession is probably not a bad idea even if the diagnosis isn't as dire as your speculations.
27
I had the exact same thoughts and I completely agree with you. This child needs help.
15
@Katie You’ve come closest to an accurate diagnosis of this daughter’s inappropriate acting out and mood swings. This piece is not about separation anxiety or fear of school. It’s about a highly disturbed child who is manifesting bipolar symptoms. The mother euphemizes and curls literary scrolls around the daughter’s rage and extremes of black/white/black/white mental splits. The mother elaborates this disturbing behavior in the context of literary conceits of mystery writers and her own embellished story telling. This is not how a normal child acts—hitting and punching and evincing dissociative, disconnected thoughts. The child is profoundly disturbed and the mother is gravely irresponsible for using her daughter’s mental Incapacity as so much poetic and literary grist for herself. If ever a child needed acute psychiatric care, unfortunately it’s this one. Instead the mother would rather use her as her own literary device. This piece is not literary nor insightful in the least. It’s a deeply appalling chronicle of a mother entranced by her child’s irrational acts and utterly blind to her daughter’s mental decomposition. If ever a psychiatric evaluation were needed, this child is an urgent candidate. Utterly appalling to read.
9
In the 1940's I went to first grade at age 6 after no kindergarten. Are citizens better educated these days after having this early education?
5
In the 1960s western MA town where I lived, public kindergarten was also not offered.
This is beautiful. An expression of life. To know you have control but yet, not. The terror of parenting "wrong" is something too often hung around the necks of new parents, strangling their sense of what is right and clouding judgments. I applaud this writer for unflinchingly exposing the doubt and thought that goes into seemingly mundane decisions that are constantly made when with your kids. Those attacking the writer for "bad parenting" miss the point of this essay -- life is unpredictable, beautiful, painful, and tear filled. To believe you are in control is a fallacy parents too often believe when raising their kids. Tragedy and triumph are close cousins, and we all should be ready for both.
4
I read this with mounting dread, thinking the end would be the writer discovered her child was being frightened, bullied or even abused at school. I am glad that doesn’t appear to have been the case. I personally would’ve requested the ability to observe the classroom unannounced or something else if that wasn’t practical. I am sure the mom did what she thought best. I just know children who are being hurt can try to “tell” about obliquely.
6
The tiger is kindergarten.
The kid begins behaving better because she is successfully broken by our education system. The tiger story helps her accept that her childhood, at 5 years old, is over, and that she is now firmly on the path to becoming an adult whose productivity in maximized, her resistance to authority minimized, and her mental health is neglected. She has entered the authoritarian American education system.
This is why my wife and I are continuing our daughter’s education at a Waldorf school. We have that choice. It is unfortunate that our freedom to explore this choice must come from privilege. Progressive education offers a space for parents to question the logic of our education system instead of simply acquiescing.
9
@Aaron
While reading this essay I also thought about how this child would have been better supported by a Waldorf experience. Equally important, the Mother/author would have been guided to more fully understand her daughter, & how to adequately meet her needs. I hope the family will look into Waldorf education for “G.”
3
This story reminds us why being a "good mom" is really being a bad parent.
The mom tells the child to be "careful" while carving pumpkins and then is surprised that the child acts out. From the anecdotes its clear that the mom is a helicopter parent. She is almost certainly telling her daughter to "be careful" constantly.
While that might be considered good mothering, telling a child to constantly "be careful" is actually teaching the child that the world is a dangerous place and the child should cling to her mom to try to be safe.
As a working single father of four I can solve the mystery of the article: The mother is unable to fully separate from the daughter and that anxiety is crazy-making in the poor child.
Step back. Give the child (and your husband) room. It is no mystery why they keep the secret stories from you. You don't allow them space to be themselves and grow.
Raising children is not "women's work". The best thing you could do for your daughter is show her how to have a life as an adult woman, who loves her child, but has a life of her own as well.
12
"I never really solve the mystery of G. and kindergarten." Nor does she care since she then leaves her at a summer camp where she doesn't even speak the language. This is a terrible way to raise a child; I won't even call it parenting.
24
@Sue V
I overlooked that. But here's what she said:
"... I drop her off at a summer camp, in a different city, in a different language, where she knows nobody, and on the first day, she simply smiles and waves goodbye."
That borders on actual abandonment. If Mom thinks that's okay behavior, it's no wonder the kid is scared.
3
How wonderfully written. My daughter would cling to me at kindergarten, but the same story--when you leave she is fine. After 9/11, she was terrified, but her father--so much meaner than I!--would not let her visit friends overnight unless she stopped sleeping by our bed. I still remember how she set her shoulders and went to her bedroom and faced her fears and got on with it. When she was four she told me I was her second mother, because her first mother had died of a cough. I have always depended more upon her than she on me. Did I teach her too well, or not well enough? My husband has none of this angst. He gave her power. I wondered why my was not enough.
A wonderful meditation on children’s lit and children and mothers. What a surprise ending!
2
What well written, interesting story.
Too bad (but utterly unsurprising) that so many commenters here feel the need to chime in on how THEY would handle this situation and to admonish the author for not doing EXACTLY what they would have done.
Here's a tip: writers have editors, so just because something isn't explicitly mentioned in the piece (the author reaching out to her daughter's teacher before the conference) doesn't mean it didn't happen - it just means it didn't make the story more compelling.
5
I’m curious if this child had any type of infection (bacterial or viral) before all of this began.. It sounds a lot like infection triggered brain inflammation (PANS/PANDAS).
14
@Amanda copeland I came here to say the same thing. The rage, the separation anxiety, the school refusal, the OCD(her extreme preoccupation w/ detectives). It's all there. I hope the mom reads this and gets help for her child.
Interesting story - hard to understand the perspective of the author - her bio indicates that she has a well respected New York Mount Sinai MD degree - no reference to completing a residency - but references an interest in psychoanalysis - tough to be an educated parent when a child has issues
5
This is a beautifully written piece. I enjoyed every bit of it, and related to it very much. My kid has recently started having out bursts similar to “G”, but doesn’t have any issues going to school. Whenever I do something unwanted, my kid will blurt our “Now you’ve made this the worst day of my life”. This happens several times a day- but only at home and mainly only with me. Like the writer, I too have been looking for clues to understand for this new overly dramatic viewpoint whenever something is denied/removed/ended/or basically anything unwanted happens. It must be part of a bigger internal upheaval that is not visible to me? Thanks to this wonderful story, I feel less alone knowing that this happens to other parents/kids out there.
2
I also was obsessed with Sherlock Holmes as a child (albeit a 10-11 year old) and remember that sometimes the clues are right before your eyes, it just takes a shift of mindset to see them. The fact that G came home from her first week in kindergarten and was making drawings with letters (and signs) indicates she was being taught (or required) to write at school, a skill that is developmentally appropriate for a 6 or 7 year old but not for many 5 year olds (though some are ready for it).
Perhaps preschool was less academically oriented while kindergarten was all about reading and writing, which could be enough to cause anxiety for a child who just isn’t ready for that yet and would like to be a child a bit longer. If I had been asked to attend kindergarten as it’s conceived of now in most public schools, I would likely have hated it too, even if everything was fine from a social perspective. Children like to be met where they’re at as the unique individuals they are, not expected to conform to some abstract idea of what they should be able to do at a given age.
8
This is a good observation about when children are ready to learn to read and write. And says gently what I was tempted to say with a little more force. Rudolf Steiner believed that children should begin to read at the change of teeth. The written word is an abstraction and may interfere with imaginative world of the child. I wonder what it will take to honor illiteracy, while also encouraging reading and writing once the child has been permitted to enjoy the kingdom of imagination childhood is when allowed to be. We are only pre-literate once. What is the rush?
I felt irritated by this piece. As a parent, I have only so much compassion for the author’s situation. A child’s behavior at age 5 is not so mysterious. G. clearly didn’t want to go to that school, regardless of her teacher’s observations of her during the day. There is no reason to force a child of 5 to go to school if they don’t want to go; unless one is using school as daycare. Not to mention the narrative created by the author of this piece; it was as if she was composing the piece as the situation unfolded; that she was living the experience with her daughter as if she were writing about it, so only half-present with her. There is something suspect and indulgent about the whole thing. I look forward to the day that our culture understands that the way a child acts is a reflection of their parents.
12
G enjoyed school, as reported by her teacher. By the sound off it she also enjoyed testing her parents and eliciting certain reactions from them. Thank goodness the parents kept sending her to kindergarten, the only place where she didn’t act out. As a parent of two toddler age boys I know one really effective way to get them to behave. If they aren’t listening I just say I’m going to report their behavior to their teachers. Definitely helps. At least for a few minutes:)
6
I had some similar experiences with my daughter in kindergarten, which she attended without any prior schooling or group socialization. I wondered if it would have been better to raise her on a deserted island apart from negative influences á la Schwarzenegger in “Twins”.
My son had preschool and a much easier time in kindergarten.
2
I teach first grade in a public school and have almost 20 years of experience. I have seen many children with a variety of behavior problems. Many of these children have extreme anger, fear and anxiety. I think some of this behavior is a reflection of our culture and some of it is the intense and unrealistic academic expectations we have set for young primary aged children. I love the idea of letting children be children and to start their academics when they are a few years older. In the meantime expand on the preschool experience by giving them many enrichment activities and experiential opportunities. There is a Kinder school in Europe that gives their students 3 or 4 hours a day in outside discovery experiences. We are too tolerant of the unnecessary and time-wasting test and assessments that we can no longer see the forest from the trees. Young children need more outside time so they can see and play in the forest and the trees.
34
I am a preschool teacher. From my perspective, there is an epidemic of anxiety among young children. It manifests itself in various ways: extended crying, impulsive aggressive behavior, toileting issues, constant need for attention. But I believe the underlying issue is the same, anxiety.
In my view, there is a ladder of emotional self-regulation. Some children start at the bottom (with extended crying at drop off, for example). The goal is the get them to the top, which is independent and/or social play. However, there are incremental steps along the way (stop crying, sit next to the teacher for a while, start playing, wander off for longer and longer periods of time). Children often need adult support and scaffolding to move up the ladder. Expecting them to leap from the bottom step to the top on their own leads to backsliding (more crying, more impulsive hitting, more toileting accidents).
To successfully encourage the development of emotional resilience, you probably need to start from birth (in incremental steps).
Research on how to do this would be timely.
12
With the tumult in the world, children acting strangely comes as no surprise. Some are better barometers than others.
3
This is an exquisitely written piece about a bond that is both mysterious and perfectly familiar.
I see that many of the readers are quick to criticize the author for her parenting. Everyone’s an expert when it comes to other people’s children.
18
@Elizabeth Grey
Sometimes other parents see solutions that we fail to see.
1
This article was upsetting to read, but it was heartening to read so much wisdom in the comments. I hope this family gets some help.
39
Behavior is purposeful. With these striking behavioral changes it would be best to consult a pediatric specialist Parents need support and cannot be able to decipher all the clues. Extreme behavior changes deserve an evaluation. As a pediatric nurse practitioner this would have been my recommendation at any age.
41
@Sue it does occur to me that she may have a learning disability.
There are things we don't understand. as a fifth grade teacher, out of over 600 kids, I had two that didn't want to come to school. I know it was painful for the child, parent and me, as a teacher, thinking what was I doing wrong. we never found an explanation, one just got over it, another moved.
Some kids can be very different at school than their parents tell me they are at home
As a child I started crying in third grade, my parents moved me to another school.
Sad to say, it had nothing to do with school, but with mess at home.
8
This child's behavior is truly mysterious as is her mother's reactions to it. The child was peaceful and serene until the start of kindergarten when she becomes despondent, violent, and morose but not in school, just with her mother. She is quite a precocious and imaginative child able to sustain attention when read to and able to express herself in writing. Children are often able to contain and refrain when in social situations such as in school. If it were a condition such as ADD or ADHD or Bipolar it would surely have manifested itself before in the child's behavior at home. The child's prolonged aversion to school throughout the year shows that it was not just a case of difficulty with change. The extent and seriousness of the girl's behavior is telling of some trauma and separation is clearly not the trauma. She had been separated before from her mother when she went to pre-school. The fact that the mother does not bring up the behavior with the teacher, with the child's doctor, with a child psychologist is puzzling and disturbing.
65
@Silvana
As a former teacher of 3-6 yr. olds, I had the same question - why didn't Mom discuss the situation w/her child's teacher? Perhaps the teacher, upon learning of the situation at home, could arrange a meeting w/Mom, Dad and at some point include the child. After all the child is not living in a vacuum - this situation is affecting all the family.
23
I experienced something very similar with my daughter. It turned out she had been being bullied by the same couple of kids from K halfway through 4th grade. I met with every one of the teachers and none ever let on that this was happening. I got she seems to have lots of friends, she's too sensitive, everyone loves hers. It wasn't until a neighbor parent witnessed the bullying on the playground and told me that I started demanding they address what had been going on. After several meetings I pulled my daughter out of school over Thanksgiving break. The school district did not even help find an open placement in another distirct school. They said everyrthing was full. We enrolled her in a private school. The lessons I learned: do not be afraid to find the school that is right for your kid, you child can be right and the teacher wrong, bullying leaves lasting damage. If only we could reverse the clock.
78
@Sandy I'm so glad you make a point that doesn't seem to have been made much in these comments--the fact that she "seems" fine at school doesn't necessarily mean that everything is fine. Even highly traumatized kids can have happy moments and some even learn very early to hide signs of distress--sometimes just in public, sometimes altogether. So the fact that the teacher says everything is ok and she's happy on the playground may not reflect the actuality of her experience. I'm glad your neighbor didn't think it was "not my place" to give you the information you needed to act and hope youro daughter continues to do well.
31
@Sandy, I thought it was atrocious that the writer and her husband made their child go to a school that clearly caused anguish, and fear. Parents are often criticized for pulling their kids out of difficult situations too often, rather than letting the kids figure out how to adapt and become resilient. Sometimes that “overprotective” criticism is correct. But for a child this young, a more protective and proactive approach is appropriate.
12
@Sandy I am a 10 year teacher as a 3rd career and I am appalled by what I see in our public schools. But what can we expect when we leave our children with teachers that earn 40-50-60k/year? What quality of people do these jobs attract? It's an authoritarian system where everyone keeps their mouth shut and just tries to make it to Friday. It's a rare teacher that actually cares about your child or would be honest with you about bullying, etc. I've seen it in private as well as public schools.
The story of the prince and the tiger is a universal one. In Greek mythology, you have Persephone, the daughter of Demeter, whose kidnapping occasion the onset of winter, and whose return occasions spring. Every year, Persephone has to return, hence, every year, we have winter and spring. Grief and mourning are mythologized into climate extremes, just as are seen with G. You don't need to call out the detective for that.
3
If this is the way children are raised now I very happy mine are long grown up. At 67 I do remember when they were young and no one would tolerate such behavior as described here. I wondered who was in charge. Be a parent and teach your children how they should grow up. It's not that hard. Millions and millions have done it successfully.
50
I honestly don’t know what to say. My ten year old is hilariously teasing to me, loves school, and is very quiet and polite around others. I’ve punished him very, very rarely in his life (he lost a favorite toy when he was four because he was using it as an excuse to be mean, and that same year, I made him give all the coins he’d saved to his preschool teacher when he broke something of hers and was rude about it), but he knows I’m not likely to put up with absurd behavior, and I don’t see much. I have friends whose kids behave more like the little girl here. I genuinely don’t know what the difference is—whether it’s our kids’ temperament or our parenting. I’m really laid back as a parent, and they are far more diligent about everything being done right. Maybe kids are just different.
The writer reports that "G" (how disturbingly detached for the writer not to refer to her child as "my daughter" or something similar) was fine at school. It seems as if the issue isn't whether or not "G" likes school, but what it is about the child's experience in the home that "G" is reacting to. It looks like the writer felt she was "supposed to be" completely devoted to the child, something that clearly is impossible to achieve. The child may be reacting to the parent's ambivalence. There is something in the relationship between child and parent that will keep a team of therapists employed for years to come.
17
@Eliza : I took the reference to her child as "G" not as a sign of disturbing detachment but as an attempt to protect her daughter's privacy -- something that many parents neglect to do in this digital age.
3
I am amazed this little girl was not seen by a psychologist after a month or two. The emotional shifts seem extreme. I'm glad she worked through them but it was scary to read about her anger and pain. Despite the fact that I loved learning I had school avoidance for two years because of a militant teacher who in another era would have been a corporate CEO. Thankfully the fairy godmother of teachers who naturally and gently connected with students became mine in the 3rd grade and completely turned around my relationship with school and formal education.
34
Lovely essay and literature review. My thought goes to the child being dragged into school by a school resource officer. But who knows.? Sometimes the ability to dialogue about trauma is just not available to an adult much less a small child.
Eventually, a lot of mothers find out the narrative and it makes a bittersweet sense.
I still recommend Selma Fraiberg The Magic Years and Fritz Redl When We Deal with Children- oldies but worth a read.
7
The most enjoyable read I have had in donkey's years.
Was sorry the column had to end.
Thank you Ms. Galchen.
12
@John
Not sure how that was enjoyable. A child in need of help. So sad.
2
Readers, the author is not seeking your advice, but rather, sharing the beautiful, romantic, mysterious tragedy/comedy of parenting. This piece brought me to tears. So beautiful how well she has conveyed the layered, confusing and conflicting emotions related to raising a child that the parent feels and the child conveys through her own language and behaviors.
66
@Mr Snappy
But readers are responding with advice because of their anguish over the child.
No matter how beautiful the writing, this is not a beautiful thing. It's nonfiction. It's a real child, not an abstraction.
7
@Mr Snappy Beautiful writing needs to take a back seat here. Let's think about what this kid is showing us.
2
My son wanted desperately to go to school like his older sister, so I packed him off to preschool when 3. This quiet, sweet kid after a month, when the weather turned cold, refused to go to school. A kid, yes like a Buddha at home, turned weepy, clingy etc. Puzzled I went to school and asked the teacher if I could sneak into class to see the kids in action. I did not tell her why. The day I walked in, I was so startled. There was pin drop silence in the classroom. I can’t remember the sign above but it chilled me. The kids were so orderly, I was spooked. Then it happened. The teacher told me how my son was the only kid who could not wear a jacket so they stood in a circle and made him wear it over and over again. My heart stood still. I had tortured this bright, happy child for a whole month in public school, in Belleview, WA. I wrote to the Superintendent, who said and did nothing. I pulled him out of the entire system of any schooling till he was 5. Sent him to Montessori, where a fantastic teacher Mr. Meyer, let him dream. We moved to California and I sent him to public kindergarten at 6. I figured if I was going to send him back to educational dissonance, then at least he needed to be sure I had his back always. He is 14, happy and thankfully though he has had his share of awful teachers and great ones, he has figured out how to navigate the adults in our educational system.
So when kids act up, it’s not about psychoanalysis, it’s a direct cause and effect.
79
I had a young lady in third grade with many of the same symptoms.
Luckily I had a few years experience and saw the angst in the
student. I planned, with the parents that this student could
walk with her parents to our class without waiting outside.
She was allowed like all the students to take a break and go
to the restroom.
We applied an atmosphere where there was less regimentation
and more cooperation.
She had a great year and now has a real zest for school.
15
@The Chief from Cali : That's what good teachers too. I was surprised that the school the author describes would prefer to manhandle and physically abuse a student rather than bend a rule for a good reason and allow the parent to walk her daughter to the classroom.
3
Oh, my. I started kindergarten when I was 4-and-a-half, accompanied by several older siblings who were enrolled in the same grammar school. As the youngest of 7, I think I was looking forward to it, because I missed my siblings when they were at school all day. And I played school with my dolls and stuffed animals. Having older siblings who seemed happy with school probably made a big difference for me. And although I was assured of my parents’ love, I knew I had to share it with others.
2
@J. Cohen : It's a shame that public schools don't cover the exorbitant cost of a neuropsych eval so the schools can better help these at-risk kids.
1
My grandson suddenly became morose and didn't want to go to school. This was not like him. He was only 7 years old and my daughter thought something was behind this that he couldn't express. She discussed it with the teacher who recommended art therapy. Luckily she lives in France and a professional was called to have sessions with him. After a few weeks, the therapist told my daughter and her husband that the girl he sits next to and walks on line with, holds his hand so tight he cries. A new partner ended the issue. Sometimes it is something easy to fix.
47
@Karen
Thanks for that bit of simple wisdom.
4
Thank you for sharing this. I think it's so important for people to know they're not alone with the complicated business of raising children.
Our daughter cried every day of kindergarten too. Ran chasing me out of the classroom for months. She was later diagnosed with dyslexia -- and I've only recently discovered that she is what might be called 'highly sensitive' -- to various stimulation. She's bright and sweet -- but sometimes the world is just too much for her. I'm often too much for her.
Just finishing THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD -- and dearly wish I'd discovered earlier.
24
@ Emily
Sensory integration disorder. See a pediatric occupational therapist.
6
When I first went to kindergarten, my mom had to put me on the bus and the bus driver slammed the door behind me and took off. Apparently, I cried every morning for 3 weeks. My mother was in touch with the school immediately. It took a while, but the lunch lady helped figure out the cause - I didn’t want a full sandwich! As soon as my mother packed a half sandwich, I happily got on the bus! Definitely enlist the help of the school if there is an issue.
26
What an extraordinary story of a sad situation.
Someone is being played here, but is it the mother,
or the child, or both ?
27
@John Brown : Why must somebody be being "played"? Maybe there is an underlying issue? Something wrong at school that the daughter could not articulate? Some sort of neurological difference, like autism spectrum disorder, that is making school challenging?
And maybe the physical abuse of the "officer of the law" dragging a helpless 5-year-old by her armpits into the classroom is adding to the trauma.
3
@John Brown
Or is it us, the readers? Interestingly enough, the author graduated from medical school with in interest in psychiatry before she embarked on her writing career.
4
This seems like a pretty strange story. The first thing I suspect is that this child is reading too much fiction.
I see little value in fiction as a genre. It's one person's fantasy world manipulated in any way the author sees fit. If a child is too engrossed in fantasy, reality is a mightly big shock! Kindergarten is reality.
This sounds like a smart child, which I think needs to be tempered with extra emotional training rather than stimulated with too much thinking and fantasy.
I've seen some parents spend a lot of time stimulating their childs mind, hoping that they'll develop to be a prodigy, but sometimes they overdo it. Too many thoughts with too little emotional anchorage is not healthy in my opinion.
8
@Reeducated That is a very strange attitude. Making up stories is a natural thing to do, children can tell the difference between fiction and reality, and as for the value in fiction - if you don't like it, fine. But for people who do like it, it's not just entertainment, it's also a way to develop empathy and insight. It means spending a lot of time thinking about the experiences and motivations of other people, and that's valuable training for being an understanding, empathetic human being.
20
Holy cow. Your daughter sounds delightful. Shes been begging you for a case for years, when all the while you were truly searching for clues.
Maybe you should have just given her the case you were working on. She sounds far more secure in herself than you do.
15
I'm sorry, but this is appalling. Your child hits you in the stomach! Screams at you! Demands and threatens and Mom gives in, again and again? Three weeks of rotting pumpkins? Tantrums for immediate chocolate and games, which are rewarded? She can't walk in the door of a school without being dragged? Your five year old does NOT want to be in charge of her life, she doesn't yet have the information and skills to understand all of life to make good decisions, and she knows it. She has parents to do that for her. Her terrible, "spoiled brat" behavior is symptomatic of a child who is desperate for someone else to provide her stability. She's crying out for help. Do your job. Stop giving her all the decision making to absolve yourself of being the "bad guy". And the topper is that Mom never figures out why her child was unhappy, and thinks that's just normal. There are parenting classes available in most communities, like "Love and Limits" and "Love and Logic" for older kids, and this author should attend one.
283
@vandalfan Thank you! Finally a comment I can relate to! Where are the boundaries being set? Where is there any indication that this child is being told that her behavior is unacceptable? In this day and age, I guess it's a good thing I never had kids. I only know how I was brought up in the 60s and 70s. My parents set expectations for me and my 2 sisters, without being judgmental or punishing. Obviously the little girl is very intelligent and crying out for someone to tell her what is expected of her, and what the consequences will be if her behavior doesn't change. Dr. John Rosemont is a psychologist who has very practical ideas about child raising in a way that allows for independence with boundaries.
15
Actually With kids like this (I had one), NOTHING works. Seriously we tried everything - everything -did not matter. We were worried about hurting him, because every limit would be breached and he would just be “break my arm”. Prozac and therapy. Period. End stop. They need to figure out why they are so angry. There are kids where parenting limits really work- again these kids are a subset where it doesn’t
9
@vandalfan I don't know... we had a similar issue with our son when we moved cities and he started preschool (two big changes in short order). His personality completely flipped. It's difficult to know what to do at first because you don't know how long it will last - at first you think, well, we've just had a big change, he doesn't entirely understand it, and is angry with us. We were in close contact with his teachers at school, and he was behaved there. We even came into the classroom to observe when we could, or observed through the parent observation window (so you could see how they behave when they don't know you're there). It was just at home. We tried at first the behavior limits approach - making clear what is acceptable and not, setting consequences, etc. It only made things worse. We consulted with family friends who were therapists, read books, etc. - we weren't sure if this behavior was the sort of thing that required counseling or not at first - was it a phase? was it a "normal" response to major changes? We finally contacted a child counselor, but before our first appointment, he was back to normal - and the solution, in that instance, was to completely accept his behavior, to realize he needed the security of love, to stop setting the consequences, to just show him a radical level of love and support, and it worked. These situations are so complicated for parents.
14
This article was excruciating to read and after a few paragraphs I wanted to shout at the author and tell her to “wake up”. If a 5 year old is crying day after day, night after night, with outrageous outbursts, something is very wrong in her kindergarten class or at the school, i.e. bullies or predators in the lunchroom, bathroom, hallway, playground, etc. On day three, I would have been in the principal’s office demanding to know what was going on. This child’s behavior is NOT normal unless of course her home environment is hostile or dysfunctional. Children learn what they live.
254
I agree with this post and with several others that something is wrong. This is not normal behavior. I am a working mother of three. You and your love for your child are lovely — please find out what’s wrong.
14
This article was harrowing for me. I definitely felt that the home environment was a large part of the problem. The child seems to be in charge of the parents. The mother seems very anxious not to make any mistakes - and doesn't seem to include the father in most of the drama with the child. Could she have been afraid of his reactions?
8
I’m a teacher. If this behavior is being expressed for more than two weeks, it’s a cry for help.
18
I'm sorry is it only obvious to *me* that the kid was being bullied at school and didn't believe she could tell her parents about it?
42
@LTR : That could very well be part of the problem. My kid also refused to go to school at times when it turned out he was being bullied.
And also, we know that the "officer of the law" was physically bullying the child by dragging her by her armpits into the classroom.
6
@LTR
There could be many explanations. I'm not sure why you think your particular hypothesis is so "obvious."
Making a good argument for 1/2 day kindergarten.
28
You started her a year too early.
21
@Lefthalfbach, good point. A relative of mine was held back a year before starting school, partly because of a mid-year birth date, but for other reasons as well. Turned out to be a good decision. Not all children are ready at the same age.
9
Great article! Got a big kick out of your daughter's originality. As for the overdone criticisms--kids are kids! They may gp through some hot spots, but this "G" is going to be just fine!
7
I didn’t understand why the first conversation with the child’s teacher took place at the first parent teacher conference which in most places occurs 6-8 weeks into the school year.
25
@Mary Power : Indeed, the *school* should've called a meeting much earlier. I mean, if the school needs an "officer of the law" to physically drag a student by the armpits into the classroom, it's the *school's* job to proactively reach out to the parents and have a meeting with the teacher, the principal, the school counselor, and the parents. Anything less is failure to act as educational professionals.
14
My son is 30 and I thank him often for cruising through childhood like a boss (98 percent of the time).
6
I found this utterly discomforting and disconcerting. There's nothing wrong with trying to puzzle out what various behaviors mean, yet to eschew *asking* the daughter's teacher, or pediatrician is, well, much like my co-worker using WebMD to Dx terminal cancer. okay, I guess, if it's a hobby affecting only oneself, but, uh, not for others.
I'm grounded in knowing what I don't know: this seemed too eerily reminiscent of a parent not willing to broach asking for help/advice from someone perhaps more expert, more content with spinning mellifluous prose than responding to the raw animal pain of a child.
46
Thank you for this beautiful, evocative story of you and your daughter both growing up.
5
I would feel betrayed if, 15 years later, I read this about myself. Now it is there, forever, for anyone and everyone to see.
Does the child not have any rights to control access to this kind of information about herself?
I was a child psychologist. If a parent reported this information to me, I would have kept it confidential....by law, by my professional ethics, and because it would have simply been the right thing to do.
87
@Travelers
Such a wise, compassionate, and cogent comment. No, children now are accorded no privacy by parents who thrive on over-sharing. Sad.
6
This takes me back to my childhood and how much I hated school. I eventually put up with schooling and had some fun with extracurricular activities and close friends, but if school wasn’t required, I would quite happily have never gone.
Why? Because of the strict regimentation of the day, the disregard for my level of achievement (I was multiple grades ahead in reading and always a grade behind in math), the inability of teachers to notice or stop terrible bullying, the constant judging where everything—attitude, grades, clothing, hair, family background, social skills, athleticism—was under pernicious scrutiny.
I disliked the architecture—the chain link fences, the unforgiving asphalt playground, the dull rooms that make me feel like I’d been stuffed into a box at the back of a closet. I hated that I was supposed to be tired at nap time or hungry at lunchtime when often I was neither. I disliked that I could rarely do what I was most prepared to do. When I was restless was when I needed to sit still. When my eyes were heavy, I needed to be alert. I rarely understood why I was supposed to learn what I was learning.
A lot of schools, even when well run, are an awful lot like a penitentiary. It’s no wonder that many kids rebel. Especially when much professional work happens in the same kind of dreary, regimented spaces. Kids can see exactly what the future holds—and it sure isn’t the kind of flexible, creative, and nurturing space that is found in a loving home.
49
@Heather
My long-lost twin. Identical.
Oh my. Crying. (A 24 year old son and 22 year old daughter.)
2
I assume that much of what is attributed to the child here is just literary device. After all, kids don’t speak that way. However, I am deeply bothered by the child’s brattiness and disrespect, and the remarkably poor parenting. Age five is not too early to learn to speak to others with kindness and respect. It is not too early to learn that no means no, and that punching mom in the stomach is wrong.
And then there is the fact that the parents keep sending her to a school where a security officer had to drag her in by the armpits.
When I was in kindergarten my teacher used to lock my in the coat closet when she said I was bad. She would make me sit by myself in the school yard when I froze in fear. She would grab my arm and twist it, digging her nails into the flesh. Once when the class was sitting on the floor drawing on a long roll of paper, the girl next to me urinated on the floor, creating a lake of warm pee that my clothing soaked up. I was blamed for it. My mother was called and told to bring new clothes. I was publicly an personally shamed. I had to go back to class. I cried every morning when I was dropped off at school, and it wasn't because I wanted to cling to my mother.
When children cry and plead, listen.
153
@Passion for Peaches Your comment struck a nerve. I had a first grade teacher who repeatedly humiliated me in class -- for example, forbidding me to sing along with the other children because I couldn't sing in tune! (How many 6 year olds can?) Which wasn't even the worst thing she did to me. My parents were utterly unaware until years later as the teacher only said nice things about me to them and I didn't tell them what was happening.
Fortunately I had good teachers after and grew to love school. But I had a lot of "stomach aches" in first grade that got me sent home early.
10
Maybe this little girl needs more time at home and isn’t ready for school. She may end up hating school for a long time.
14
If you think she's cranky now, imagine when she's old enough to see this and understand how her parent could use her as attention fodder, however artfully written. How on earth does one justify to oneself publishing something like this?
71
Fascinating story. I expect to read something by G. in the New York Times—or a review of a play that she authored.
It was too much to expect the armchair psychiatrists and purveyors of doom to refrain from commenting.
10
The sudden onset of school refusal, rage, separation anxiety, etc. all sounded very familiar. I by no means am trying to diagnose the author's daughter - but felt the need to share this information because I've lived it and know how life changing it can be for the whole family.
If your child, or a child you teach, or any child you care about shows a sudden (sometimes overnight) and extreme change in personality, exhibiting symptoms like OCD, school refusal, anxiety, extreme anger, food restrictions and sensory issues - please keep PANS/PANDAS in mind as a possible explanation. What looks psychiatric in nature can actually be a neuroimmune disorder triggered by infection. PANS/PANDAS is often fully treatable if diagnosed early, but it is very common for children to be misdiagnosed and untreated for years. Knowing the signs can save someone's childhood.
https://www.pandasppn.org/
22
@sara2804 This my first thought as well!!!
Most Asian countries also start first grade at 7, and they have some of the highest achieving students in the world.
8
Most Asian countries also start first grade at 7, and they have some of the highest achieving students in the world.
Some people should not have children.
34
This is just not right!
15
OK, this is probably the most disturbing piece I have ever read in the NYT. Something seems definitely wrong. I am no psychiatrist, and I don't want to be harsh, but I'm I the only one thinking there might be mental illness involved here?
184
@David
I imagine mental wellness more likely. I’m surprised the other children weren’t also picketing.
1
@David Sounds like the child might be exhibiting symptoms of borderline personality disorder, with the displays of fears of abandonment.
5
@David Or abuse, from one place or the other.
Use of the word "angry" for a five-year old struck me as more than semantics. Perhaps, instead, phrasing that suggests what could as easily be a consistent call for help from a child bumping up against a system not serving her needs, e.g., frustration, a sense of isolation or of not being heard? This tweak in orientation fosters engagement, and a collaborative search for a system that better suits her wellbeing and your needs. It also holds the essence of Dr. Sears -- that no child's call, however inaptly advanced, can or should be ignored, a rejoinder to the now-discredited claim that an infant learns anything (other than loss) by "crying it out." My very best to your family.
8
Kids are like puppies, they respond well to reward and punishment. Reward is attention and love from parent. Punishment is like a time out fir five minutes or withdrawal of say watching tv that day (I let him watch 25 minute per day of positive shows like magic school bus or art things or sports). Make clear rules like never being rude and then always follow up with reward or punishment. Kids respond well to clear rules and crave approval from parents. Use that to train them to be useful people. My 5 year old responds well to that. We were in private Mobtessori school for few years in Shanghai and then moved back to canada for kindergarten and are shocked at the terrible state of public education, even in affluent neighborhood. Kids going nuts in class, 15 behavior problems, 15 esl, 3 special needs needs kids. The teacher told us it’s impossible for her to teach reading or anything. I found my son learned lots of bad habits these three months in public school so we keep him home half the time to let him read, write and do art projects (he’s reading at grade 7 level so advanced), and take him out to do things with us. We are moving to another city just so he can go to a good private school ASAP. Now we take public school as social for him as it’s fun and don’t count on any learning. And trying get away from it ASAP. Feel sorry for those parents who are stuck with this dysfunctional system as most of those kids won’t make it to university or do well.
6
@Stephen Gergely how do you keep him home half the time? In the U.S. this is (absurdly, it seems) considered "truancy", even for a 5-year-old.
1
My mom solved these problems by adding new children to the family and being tough with the older ones. Of course the baby stayed home until she was 37.
6
@JF, very funny. I was the last of a large litter. My mother was anxious to get me out of the house and enrolled in a school at the earliest possible age, so she could finally have her own time. I was the only one in the family to attend nursery school, and she put me there so early that I wasn’t old enough to go into (public) kindergarten immediately. I had to attend something they called prekindergarten first. Not posting that as a whine, but just to say that having lots of kids doesn’t always fix parental shortcomings. Not all women should be mothers. I was thinking, while reading this, that the writer may be one of those women who wasn’t meant for the role.
5
The distress of this child must be seen as a response to having parental care in which her most private thoughts and expressions are not kept private.
32
This was probably the most frightening story I ever read. Scary, scary, scary... The things the child says... the mood swings. I have two children but I have never ever had exchanges with my sons like what I read here. A very talented writer too, but what on earth was going on here.
102
I loved this essay, and I think many readers miss that this is by a writer of fiction. It doesn't mean that the story isn't true, but in my view it is intended as a literary piece about the intensity and mystery of the relationship between a young child and a parent. Thus we don't get the mundane details about parent-teacher conferences.
Another great story about kindergarten is Shirley Jackon's "Charles", which you can find online.
20
This was me in elementary school. The only difference is that my mother didn't care nor listen to me when I bawled my eyes out before every school day.
I had trouble understanding the unwritten rules that other children seemed to get. It caused severe anxiety and frustration. The first time my mother dropped me off at preschool and we started nap time, I didn't understand and thought I was staying overnight. I called my teacher by her first name once because I thought it would be funny; I didn't know any better. There are tons more examples, really. Maybe other kids were better able to brush these incidents off. Me, I fixated on them.
I didn't have close friends. At recess I would hang out near others but not with them. They didn't want me there. My interests were more towards collecting pretty rocks from the gravel, anyway. I had a nightstand drawer full by the end of the year.
Things didn't change until the 7th grade. I had been a mediocre student until that point and then something just clicked. I began getting all A's. By high school, I had mapped out the rest of my secondary school career. I ended up with acceptances to several Ivy Leagues (I didn't go - too expensive).
A couple of years ago I contacted my old 5th grade teacher. I remember her sitting me down once to ask what was going on with me. She had been the only teacher to do so. The rest had just assumed that I was unruly. She said she knew I had struggled with social situations.
32
@Erin there has been a lot of work in recognizing and developing programs for kids with social skills deficits. For readers who want more information on this, two that come to mind are Michelle Garcia Winner’s Social Thinking and UCLA PEERS program with associated books and curriculum.
4
@Erin Are you me?
1
My first day of kindergarten (in 1978), I asked to use the restroom and ran home. For the next 13 years, I found everything about school to be a waste of time. I liked my friends at school, and the teachers were fine. But I always read, wrote, and did math well beyond my classmates, to the point where the school sent home notes asking my mom to not let me write cursive at home, and to not teach me math beyond what I was supposed to be learning in school.
All of this just reinforced that school was a pointless punishment for anyone above average. From 2nd grade until graduating high school I got terrible grades, and spent most of my class time not paying attention and just reading adult-level books I brought to school with me.
Then an amazing thing happened: I went to college, where I was free to excel and praised (rather than denigrated) for working hard and knowing things. I got straight A's in college and grad school, and now make a great living despite growing up on welfare.
The US needs to emulate the educational systems of other countries who spend less per student and have far superior outcomes. Our current K-12 system is geared towards helping below-average students read and do basic math, while relegating the average and smart kids to "afterthought" status.
I often wonder how I might have enjoyed and excelled in a school where I was encouraged to reach my potential, rather than being constantly held back so that other kids wouldn't get their feelings hurt.
23
I remember getting reprimanded in second grade during library time, because I wanted to take out a chapter book. I was told very firmly, “you’re not supposed to be reading those yet,“ by the librarian, as if I had done something wrong. I spent most of my school years with my nose in a book. I would find the history book fascinating and read through it in two days. I graduated high school a year early. Public school isn’t for everyone.
Great article. My son had had a tough time adjusting to first grade. He attends a great school with small class sizes 18 kids in his class and 2 teachers. That’s pretty good! These kids are little. I think at this age if they’re making the age developmental milestones that’s most important. Can my son do the assigned 3 R’s in the first grade? Yes he can and he’s right where he should be. His emotional development is most important to me.
3
Assumptions that others should be ruled by our standards, our perceptions of what is appropriate, normal or "right" can cloud our judgement. This author weaves her daughters' reactions to separation anxiety through both mother/daughter's love for mystery stories. Seeking other's opinions the mother tests her perceptions on friends who caution patience. She quotes Winnicott who gifted us with the "good enough mother" concept. This was fascinating to read both as a psychologist and mother of daughters to see someone so deftly navigate her world then reflect back to us what she learned. Summing up mothering/parenting in that lovely last paragraph. From directing the show to letting go. Yes we become, if we are successful in parenting, if we have children who grow up and leave, spectators in our children's lives. No longer the guardians of safety or happiness but the audience.
16
The comments about 'send her somewhere else' or 'don't make her go' kill me. As if so many of us have that option? My 3-yr-old does the same 'I don't wanna go' dance for preschool, but she's going because we don't have a choice. Both of us work. We're lucky we found a preschool without a years-long waiting list and a tuition we could afford (about $1k/month).
Sometimes I don't even get to see my kids in the morning before I leave. This country needs to allocate more resources to working parents with young children. But nothing will change as long as we have this ever-increasing wealth gap and a 'middle class' living like butter spread over too much bread.
62
@Amber
Amen.
1
I applaud the patience and sensitivity of these parents.
8
It seems to me the author of the article was far too impressed with her own words, and with her "getting" the detective story stream that was going on, and meanwhile: did she speak to the pediatrician about this? Consider short therapy? Or consider holding the child back for a year?
When my son was in first grade, we went through something very similar. Finally, at a (FALL, not later) meeting with the teacher she said "he's just not ready. You can either put him back in Kindergarten (where he had done well) for a year, or take off ALL the pressure in first grade. Ignore test scores, etc.) So, that is what we did, and it worked well. No more tantrums, school behavior problems, etc.
At the down time between end of school in the Spring, and restarting school (2nd grade) in the Fall, we had him tested by a school psychologist and also a private one; and got him admitted to a small private school which had no more than 22 kids max. in any class.
The testing showed he had ADD, and he began meds for that...which he took (his choice) for only about a year and a half. He also started in an all-boys ADD therapy group which was helpful (they talked about limits and down to earth things like that).....He thrived and later went to college, and is doing well now.
Point is, sitting back and doing nothing when the kid is clearly crying out for help, does nothing for the child or the situation.
61
I am so surprised by these comments. As if others are reading a different article. My take is that G. isn't angry because of school or even because of the daily separation but because she understands that school is a step along a path toward ultimate independence that she DOES want to be on but that she sees will carry her, inevitably, away from someone she loves very fiercely. She's angry at the pain SHE will cause by growing up. I loved this piece and in general find this writer incredibly perceptive and interesting.
38
@Susan Oh please. No child of that age could comprehend or imagine that sort of causality. What you're describing is a child "character" written by an adult. Which is exactly how this essay strikes me.
53
I found this story sad and sweet. I’m sure the writer did seek advice but it seems like certain information was intentionally left out for the sake of the story. Parenting has a built in obsolescence. And if done right, even though it has many painful moments, there are great rewards. The author shared her experiences and offered some unique insights. I’m sorry it seems to have offended so many readers.
5
@Greg Read any fairy tales? The reason these stories appeal so strongly to kids is they echo their instinctual understanding of the way life actually works.
4
It's so easy for the reader to jump in and judge - to know what was cause and what was effect, to know what the parts of the story are that the writer may well have left out of the telling of it.
The most important thing that I learned from my own experience with a complicated, exhausting, worrisome, mysteriously difficulte transition to kindergarten was to follow my instincts as a parent. Consulting a professional helped me to hold on to just enough confidence in my own hunches and ability to see it through successfully. (And amazingly, the child in my life has turned out to be one of the most emotionally intelligent persons I've ever known.)
My hat is off to the writer. Maybe she consulted with a professional, maybe she didn't, but that fact that she kept her cool through a really stressful, confusing parenting experience should earn her our highest regard.
11
I really enjoyed this article, beautifully written and relatable. I loved how you wove the mirrored journey of both you and your daughter playing detective. G did it as an escape from reality and you, to try and understand her reality. Or maybe you both were trying to understand, uncover... I wonder, when the teacher mentioned that the other kids were finding their best friends and G was left out, I wonder if she was truly okay with it. Maybe she buried all of her feelings of isolation and loneliness at school and when she was safe with her most trusted person, she could finally let it all out?
3
I agree that this is very well-written, but that seems entirely beside the point. This child's behavior is not normal, in my opinion. Hitting and threatening her mother, or manipulating her to try to get out of school, weeping uncontrollably every night for months while at the same time creating an incredibly sophisticated, indirect, system of communication through drawings and a fantasy detective agency, is a strange combination of extremes.
Equally disturbing and frankly bizarre, is the mother's preoccupation with herself throughout this prolonged episode--"Am I a good mother, does G love me?" while at the same time treating the whole thing as a puzzle to be solved, rather than a genuine crisis. Clearly something was wrong. Did no one think to consult a counselor? And why wasn't the teacher met with right away, rather than waiting for a routine conference?
And no, I'm not a helicopter parent--my daughter is 41 now--but such extremes of behavior, particularly the threats and the hitting and the sobbing for months, are simply not a normal reaction to having to go to school unless something terrible is happening at the school, or something has gone wrong inside the child. My own daughter went through a sudden, irrational fit of extreme anxiety at 8 yrs old, and when all the obvious paths had been explored, I took her to a therapist, and a couple of months later the problem was resolved. There's no shame in that. I hope that when the next crisis hits this mom does the same.
407
@Annie Towne combinations of extremes are typically signs of trauma. The child was in pain. Seeking out external aid would have been very wise.
17
@Annie Towne
I think the mother desperately wanted to write a short story.
2
Thank you. This so vividly and eloquently captures the mystery, wonder, resilience and delicacy of the parent-child dance. Just beautiful
155
And I’m going to bet you do not have children.
This piece was disturbing, shocking and terribly sad.
1
@Liz Schneider
I saw nothing "delicate" in this article. The only mystery for me is why the parents didn't tell the teacher about the extraordinary discrepancy between the child's behavior at home and at school, and why they didn't seek professional help for a seriously disturbed little girl. She must have been terrified to realize that her parents were entirely unable to help her learn to control her behavior. These parents are in desperate need of assistance in "parenting," or perhaps common sense.
A beautiful exploration of a child’s conflict and her gorgeous imagination. I love this writer’s voice and think this is one fabulous kid (meaning wonderful and also full of fable). So glad the detective signs were retrieved. My once-upon-a-time 5-year-old posed as a police officer who wrote/drew me tickets of my many infractions.
4
Thank you for this work. It helped me not to feel so alone with my not-so-school-positive son.
He is sitting next to me, reading his book and laughing to himself. He just started a new school (in Germany, kids may need to change schools several times). He still kicks and screams and howls about how terrible it all is. But if I spy him on the school grounds, he is laughing with the other boys and seems content. I wonder if separation is harder for some people in the moment it occurs and if he cannot imagine what the rest of his day could be like. Its as if the present is so overwhelming and all consuming for him.
299
Our daughter’s family moved to the west coast a year ago; she has two children ages five and three. We recently went for a three week visit, during which time she and her husband were celebrating their 10th anniversary. They had planned an overnight stay in a nearby big city, seeing the sights, etc. When they told their kids that Mommy and Daddy were going to be gone for a day and night, the little one was fine but to hear the five year old, it was the end of the world. She sobbed. She threw herself on the floor in a fit. This went on for two days, every time she remembered they were going. I told my daughter not to worry, just kiss them goodbye and cheerily say you’ll see them at lunchtime tomorrow. Enormous drama saying goodbye — which lasted all of about 15 seconds after the door shut. Other than anxiously asking once in a while if they would home soon, that was it.
9
@CDH ...or, perhaps, your son is mirroring your own anxiety - especially your knowing he's going to have to endure changing schools and making new friends again and perhaps even again after that. If I were you I'd get off that what "might" happen in the future and just enjoy the fact that he's doing well when you're not around.
1
@CDH
Not only in Germany, but in the US and other countries do kids who want to graduate from high school have to change schools several times.
The pre-school system in Germany though is different from the one in the US. Kindergarten is voluntary for 3-6 year olds where they play and learn to share toys with others for their social and emotional development.
From age 6 at least 9 years of schooling is mandatory.
Kindergarten is really not considered to be a 'school'.
2
Children are often very different at school than they are at home. At home they are with people who are supposed to love them unconditionally, and I believe they interpret that as letting all their feelings hang out, especially the negative and scary feelings.
As for G, maybe she just wasn't ready for kindergarten. Or maybe she's going to be someone who doesn't like it when there's a big change.
164
@Adrienne I remember when my children were in both pre-school and school, teachers telling me how sunny, sweet and cooperative they both were. Although they certainly weren't "bad" children, I was still, like, "Huh?"
22
@Adrienne My son's pre-school teacher said something similar to me. She said that the kids often behave better at school than home, because they know parents will love them no matter what.
15
@Adrienne I had both these thoughts.
I remember picking up my daughter at daycare one day. She ran to greet me, I picked her up and hugged her, then I put her down and began collecting her things from her cubby. Maybe I reached in with the wrong hand or picked up the wrong thing first, who knows. "Oh, no, Mommy," she said, and she hit the floor in a silent tantrum as I calmly continued taking her things out of the cubby.
The daycare workers were shocked. Evidently she never threw these at daycare, ever. And that shocked me, because I got them multiple times a day. (Sometimes she dragged herself in front of me and "died" again.) I think that Mommy's presence means big emotions, and also Mommy is safe.
7
This is a beautiful piece. Thank you!!
4
What struck me most about this essay was the Mother's emotional remove and her need to "intellectualize" her daughter's emotions. I have five children. If any of them had behaved in the manner described, for more than a very few days, I would have contacted the school and my pediatrician. Sometimes emotional extremes in a child mean nothing but they can also indicate a serious problem. In addition, why does she allow this child to verbally abuse her? I am all for encouraging children to speak their mind, even in anger, but rudeness is not tolerated in my house. Neither is high drama. Books and stories are a mainstay in my home and my life . They are useful in opening a discussion with a child but, sometimes, a more direct conversation is needed.
This was a beautifully written treatise and I feel almost guilty dragging it down into the mundanity of everyday child-rearing.
156
@JMR ...oh, thank you for your comment. I was thinking almost exactly the same things as I read the article. Probably a good thing this seems to be the woman's only child but also could be part of the reason for the behaviour.
5
You are a thoughtful person and, largely for that reason, your daughter will in all likelihood be fine. I would have handled this particular situation differently (I have a child who behaved similarly at that age), but there are as many different ways to competently parent as there are children. So please ignore the know-it-all commenters who will say, "If only you had homeschooled this child or fed her a vegan diet . . ." etc.
270
@Rupert :
I didn't see those comments, actually.
28
@Rupert I read every comment and saw nothing about home schooling and a vegan diet. I did read comments that pointed out that this child was in pain and the parents were not sufficiently insync with this child's experience,
32
@Liza & RLiss: One of the first comments to this story, written on December 17, is a comment about homeschooling. So you obviously didn't read ALL the comments. It was this early comment, and other judgemental comments like it (not necessarily focused on homeschooling but definitely criticizing the parenting skills of the author for a multitude of reasons), that prompted my post.
5
I found this essay very hard to read. The child clearly needed professional counseling and the mother needed some parental guidance. Why the mother didn’t talk to the teacher immediately is the real mystery. In a way, I think she gave her child way too much power and the ability to manipulate her that the child wasn’t able to manage. We have three kids (I having been an only child which was very difficult) and we have never encountered this kind of acting out with our kids or anyone’s kids we know. Very sad.
177
@J. As a K-5 teacher myself, I fully agree with your comment.
7
@J. When I was this child's age and in kindergarten teachers also thought I should be in therapy because I was an introvert and quiet. I thank God every day for my parents who thought that they not me were the crazy one's who needed help. I was a chatty Kathy at home cracking jokes full of sarcasm, yes even at 5 years old. By the first grade the teachers couldn't shut me up. Thank you Mom and Dad but most especially Mom for knowing more than the teachers. G will undoubtedly be fine no therapy needed. In fact she probably turn out worse, a whole lot worse had she been given therapy or worse yet drugs to curb her behavior.
1
I don’t have children so I am unqualified to advise, but I cannot imagine forcing my child to go to a school she dreads so much. Why on earth not try to find something more comfortable for her? Children’s feelings should be respected. She was trying desperately to tell her mother something. Why not just believe her instead of looking for some deep psychological meaning?
190
@Rebecca Sometimes if you let kids constantly avoid things whenever they act out, they'll just increase the behavior. The mother did check that everything was going well at school. It sounds like her daughter was having trouble with reconciling the difference between herself at home and herself at school and the idea of becoming more independent.
64
@Rebecca Cuz they gots to learn that life is full of things you don't want to do but usually have to do anyway. :) And also that mom has to work.
40
@Rebecca
Since I was in a similar situation as the author on that first day, which I see as the true cutting of the umbilical cord, another pair of hands also had to bring my son into the school as his hands were outstretched toward me and both of us in tears because despite all the prepping and hopefulness that your child will act like the others they sometimes don't. I felt wretched and still do 10 years later and then the teacher tells you that they will have two lives one at home and a separate one, ... already and this is pre-school. He did learn to adapt. It just takes some more time than others but it is useful for a child to be encouraged while young to learn adaptation despite the feelings.
11
I began kindergarten before I turned 5 and resisted for months, was finally allowed to drop out. A few months later, first grade was no problem. I think I just wasn't ready, and am still grateful my parents honored my wishes.
460
@Diane , as a child with some separation anxiety myself, I cannot imagine how horrible it would have been for a stranger in uniform to have dragged me into school against my wishes. I would never have allowed anyone to do that to my child.
I would have suggested to this author that she have a meeting with the teacher FAR before parent/teacher conferences to discuss what her daughter was going through. Exceptions about letting a parent take a child into the classroom should be made. Any decent school would allow that.
69
@Diane
I went to Kg at 4 yrs. 8 months... and was fine except when the boy told me there were ghosts or something in the bathroom, so … I was late and got scolded. hated rest time and had trouble with left and right. I was always ahead in reading. Social immaturity became a factor in about fifth grade, felt behind... and continues!! OYOH what does it mean to be grown- up? Of course, our feeling may or may not match reality.
3
@Diane I, too, was sent to kindergarten too early, had severe panic reactions and was allowed to drop out for a year. Same story as your experience. I remember the terror I felt seeing my mother walk away from the kindergarten classroom.
1
It is hard to read about children in pain. It's just excruciating really. My heart hurts for the child and the parents. A friend of mine has a child a bit older who has gone through a similar personality change. The child is getting counseling and has changed schools to one where he can have more attention and care.
128
I grew up in a large family in a neighborhood and school with larger and even larger families. We didn't get this much attention as individuals, the way I liked it. My mother mentioned when I was in late grade school that the K nun wrote on the report card that I was messed up, probably because a boy named Leonard would punch me in the stomach on the way back to his chair. Nothing was said to me. When I went to first grade I was a star pupil and felt bad for the girl next to me who cried in the AM. If I had ever hit a parent, I would have been in great physical pain. Our parents were strict and in control.
9
Maybe everyone should consider that five is too young to be sent to school all day for five days a week. There are endless stories of kids who show clear trauma over separation that are coached as normal transition. Essays exploring avoidable trauma are not moving. They are for adults at the expense of children, which is exactly what sending kids to school at an early age is as well. It’s done for financial reasons or to ease anxieties of parents worried about their kids futures, but not as part of what is best for KIDS. We need more social support for kids to start formal education later, such as money for families to keep their kids home and flexible work hours. This is not crazy - it’s the norm in some countries to wait until 7 or older to start formal schooling, and truly in their best interests.
535
@westsider yes. No six year old needs to be in school, even if they are ready. Most kids by seven would be fully ready. Kids are better able to regulate at seven and will be more successful. Putting kids into environments they are not ready for fails kids. We should not be endorsing systems that advantage only certain kids.
From a study endorsing starting kids at seven:
“We found that delaying kindergarten for one year reduced inattention and hyperactivity by 73 percent for an average child at age 11 and it virtually eliminated the probability that an average child at that age would have an ‘abnormal,’ or higher-than-normal rating for the inattentive-hyperactive behavioral measure.”
140
@Sacha I agree, kids are being institutionalized so young. In New York City, most go to public schools lin dingy depressing old buildings. Not every child thrives in the institutional school environment. Each child is different. This school may not be the best place for this child and if there are other options that can be afforded such as homeschooling or private schools, I encourage the parent to consider it. I'd hate to have my child come home like this every day.
90
@Sacha I do tend to agree with you about essays exploring avoidable trauma. This child here seems to have experienced some sort of trauma. I am amazed the writer waited until a conference to speak to the teacher. Something does not add up; it all seems too neat and literary to me. I don't know if I agree that five is too young to go to school, but it certainly does seem we expect it in our society no questions asked, no accommodations made.
61
This is unbelievable. Did you not consider that something was wrong in the kindegarten class? A bully, a mean teacher, someone doing something wrong? She is too young to be reading detective stories, but her obsession should be a clue that something is wrong. This is not normal. I can't believe how badly you handled it, and she is far too young to go to a summer camp. What was so different between preschool and kindegarten? It should be almost the same. Did you take her to a therapist? Did you talk to the teacher? Did you go to class and watch what was happening? You seem to be there and absent at the same time.
116
@Pank
Maybe G. IS the class bully ?
She sure sounds like one at home
23
@Pank Did you not read the article? She did meet with the teacher, and clearly all was fine.
3
What a nightmare.
12
What a gratuitous and unnecessary Roger Ackroyd spoiler. Glad I'd already read it.
4
My response: why keep sending your child somewhere they are miserable? There are all kinds of schools. Maybe she needs to be kept back a year? Just why would you let your child go thru this? And teachers don't always understand the personal dynamics that are happening. Listen to your child.
332
@Claire First, it's not really beneficial to give in to the child whenever they throw a fit about something. Not saying that's what's goin on here, but at some point there will be a tough transition from home to school and it needs to be done.
Second, keeping kids home for a year, assuming full-time employment costs $360/week where I am, and much more in many places.
20
From the essay - the child did not seem miserable AT school. She was participating and engaging and interacting. She had handled the social aspects of preschool fine. The parents did ascertain that and checked with many friends, fellow parent, and at least one expert.
This is not a case where the child was frightened and shut down IN the school setting. That is a different level of fear and overwhelmedness.
The daughter clearly had some high anxiety and was feeling- somehow, maybe unconsciously, in her high stakes emotional drama - a lot of pressure around the transition of going to school. She expressed that, very eloquently, and her parents listened and were supportive. And they set boundaries- about yelling, about unreasonable demands, and about needing to actually go to school - a message that to me conveyed to her that they thought she could handle it. And that they were there, and would listen, while she wrestled with her rage and upset. (Which sounded, frankly, severe, draining for everyone, but intermittent, in a loving setting.) And with time, she did!
There are many ways to support your children. Being available, even for acting out, while they figure out how to manage something that they need to handle, is a good one.
Keeping them home, or trying exposure therapy, CBT, medication - all could be apt supports for another child, with different fears and needs.
The old text “the drama of the gifted child” came to mind reading this.
42
@Evan It wasn't that she was unhappy at school, though. It was more the idea of school was bothering her, it seems. Or separation. Or something that we'll never know.
9
Great writing.
2
The parenting criticisms here seem over-the-top, perhaps from helicopter parents? This is a terrific story, very well written, that mirrors millennia of growing up stories. It's part of the human journey, we all have it in common, and yet the particulars are unique to us.
Forget all the shouda/coulda's. This is the story of a precocious five-year-old, going on six. The mother checked in with others, including the teacher (we don't know the timeline), and remained self-reflective about her role. She wrote a great detective story! The mother remained steadfast in her love (Dad too), which is what the child needed. The child did not need therapy or drugs, she needed to live her journey, knowing that Mom had her back.
Our waspy culture tends to fear strong emotions and think they need to be medicated or relegated to a professional. We overreact to them because we narcissistically think it's about us.
My prescription is to read Joseph Campbell and journal in the morning.
30
Exactly. Thank you!
2
The helicopter parent is the author, not the commenters. This child was taken on work trips, to dinner with adult friends, part of every conceivable daytime activity. And then there are questions about why she is acting out after being put in an environment where the schedule and every possible attention is not centered in her? Hardly surprising that poor behaviour ensued, but even I was shocked by the vitriol, the violence, the threats from a 5 year old met by no consequences, no professional help, simply the amateur psychoanalysis of a parent who seems fortunate to have too much time on her hands.
7
@CKats I love Joseph Campbell. I doubt he would have endorsed any of this. "Find your own journey. Follow your bliss". Clearly, this wholesale "teaching to the middle", using the unquestioned and factory-style teaching methods of our tragically broken public schools does not work for many sensitive students. I recommend Sir Ken Robinson's TED talk as a starting point. As a Joseph Campbell fan, you will love it.
1
This is dialogue from a 5-year-old?
16
And we wonder why college kids need trigger warnings and safe spaces!!
15
Seems to me you "over thought" this, and yes, I know I wasn't there.. Did you consider moving her to smaller school where the rules about parents dropping off/ picking up kids were more flexible?
Also, as a mom of two, grandmom of 5, you should have NOT allowed the verbal/ physical attacks on you. Kids need and want limits.
59
@RLiss
"you should have NOT allowed the verbal/ physical attacks on you. Kids need and want limits."
RLiss, you're so right....
6
Your daughter seems very precocious for 5 -- in her language and mannerisms.
I'm gonna hazard a guess this precocious "little adult" behavior didn't go over all that well with teachers or other students. (No matter what the teacher told you, something was wrong. Teachers are often clueless.)
You seem to have encouraged this precocious behavior because you find it "cute" and it reassures you that she's high IQ because of her sophisticated language -- in turn, she plays up to you because she gets so much attention from acting precocious.
It won't last, but you will be setting yourselves up for some truly heinous teenage tantrums.
42
Just wait till she heads into the teen years, when she becomes an alien from another planet. The key is don’t overreact. This too will pass
7
Very hard to read. Too much meandering about literature that appears irrelevant to me. I am glad it all worked out, but I learned nothing.
29
This is the best thing I've read all year. Thank you.
2
another example of the risks psycho analysis can play in complicating one's everyday life. Good Luck
2
@Mike If only... this child had visited a child psychologist. Sadly, it seems that didn't happen. Did we read the same article?
After a K year like this you sent her to a sleepaway camp day in another language where she didn’t know anyone? I’m sorry, but that is monstrous.
165
Yes! That was a shocker...and adds to the power of the piece. A wonderful piece of writing. I’m going to let go all parenting judgment and simply be grateful for the writing. Won’t forget this one for at least three days!!! Very JD Salinger/Franny and Zooey/with a touch of Shirley Jackson.
4
@Boggle
The notion that the parents sent her
to sleepaway camp in a country
where the chld didn't know the language struck me as
"incredible."
But many things in this story struck me as unbelievable, including the
5-year-old's language skills.
6
I don't think it's normal for a child to punch and kick a parent.
166
If her friends and family say, “that’s normal behavior,” it might just start there-this is very abnormal behavior! Sounds like early discipline in this child’s life went by the wayside.
19
@Patricia
I think it is normal for kids to act out and punch/kick a parent, but then I would hope that the parent responds that this is unacceptable behavior and the child must never do this again. I frequently see the kids of people I know hitting, and the parents mostly just stand there and take it without too much push back. Same goes for interrupting conversations. Kids are allowed to do this without being told to stop. So frustrating.
14
@Patricia I have seen it happen many, many times, with friends and strangers. It seems normal to me - not acceptable, but normal.
1
This piece by a writer I admire upset me terribly. It is the tale of a child with hideous separation anxiety -- which often manifests only in the transitions. Just because the daughter seemed okay when at school does not mean that the hell she went through in between wasn't horrible and needed more attention. Also, just because she seemed okay in kindergarten class doesn't mean that it wasn't "performative" -- she was learning, as we all do, to "perform" okayness. Yes, we all have to do that, but clearly (to me, with 40+ years of experience working therapeutically with children) she was not ready for this transition. (Look up Brandschaft's "pathological accommodation"). Sure, she mustered up all her strengths and now is "fine" -- but at what cost? I wish that some of the energy and creativity that went into this piece had gone into getting some non-literary help for this little girl when she needed it most.
116
@D Melanogaster it sounds like she got plenty of attention.
2
@Marie
..... but it seems not from a professional or even her teacher who wasn't made aware of the situation.
3
You're over-analyzing it. Her angry performances for you mean that she is angry that you could drop her off at school every day as if your bond were nothing like the adamantine one she had forged in her mind. The overwhelming closeness parents then try to re-establish every day after school, which includes doing little or nothing about their misbehavior out of guilt, only perpetuates the problem. To teach them to let go, you have to let go.
3
Your daughter needs boundaries. It's not okay to threaten a parent with violence and not face a consequence, like no videos or dessert.
61
I never found out what made her so upset? Was it bullying in the classroom?
6
I was in the midst of a well grounded and informed community when I had my children. I went through this same sort of thing with all 3 of them.
On my first one I put her into a private school kindergarten far too early. She was the youngest one there. But she is so smart, she will benefit from it, I responded.
Then began all the night terrors, food hiding, digging escape holes in the interior closet walls with ever more missing. I found myself locking up the flatwareware because all but one spoon was missing. One night I woke to find her standing next to me while holding a spoon above my right eye.
My closest friend and my child's pediatrician said she wass to young to go kindergarten. She is trying to tell you why it is your fault and doesn't know how.
I removed her from kindergarten and was fortunate enough that the day school who she knew had a space for her in her class.
She fought and railed but I dragged her there for about a month and then she became my sweet daughter again.
Poor first borns. We learn so much from them.
10
A happy child who suddenly becomes deeply unhappy -- where is the detective who cares to get to the bottom of that?
It stuns me the parents didn't turn to any professionals to help understand their daughter's deep distress. I also can't help wondering if G. stopped acting out around going to school like the Romanian orphans stopped crying out from their cage-cribs. Eventually they determined that expressing their pain was a waste of breath since it summon a helper.
I truly don't mean to be nasty here. I'm a developmental psychologist worried about daily bouts of misery. G. is both verbally gifted and willing to share her thoughts and feelings, making her a great candidate for psychotherapy. Were she mine, I'd focus on finding a child-oriented therapist. (I say child-oriented because lots of therapists who work with children focus on making their behavior more acceptable to parents and teachers rather than on what's going with the child.)
119
Oh my gosh, I loved this piece. Great kid, great mom, funny-and-sad moments. I was stunned to read comments suggesting that the kid was molested or needs a psychologist. Kids are complicated and this one sounds very smart and creative and expressive. Not a cause for pathologizing.
5
I agree! A tremendously creative kid. And lovely piece of writing
@L. A cause for a new school, though. I have heard that Europe has embraced Montessori and other child-centric educational methods. Sadly, the US is stuck in the factory era of educating students.
2
The little one sounds bipolar as quickly as she changes moods.
18
I am surprised you never had her evaluated psychologically, psychiatrically, or had taken her to a therapist. Her behavior with you was beyond bizarre. I am glad that “she grew out of it.” But I would have wanted answers and found out if this behavior would affect her later in life. It certainly is a mystery only the right type of detective could solve.
23
Holy cow! Am I the only one who believes that the daughter may have had something very bad happen to her? Maybe at school or around the time that kindergarten started? You won't see it by observing the classroom because it may have only happened once and freaked her out. I would have immediately taken her out of the kindergarten and kept her home or with family and homeschooled her or done something other than keep sending her to where she is angry and petrified of going. Wow. Or maybe I just missing something here? In any case, she'll probably need therapy for the rest of her life.
65
Sorry but I just couldn’t believe you let it go on and on for your daughter. Why did you wait till November to talk to her teacher? Maybe the descriptions of her anguish were hyperbole that expressed how you felt? I think I would’ve been talking with a school psychologist by October and suspected bullying or even abuse.
43
she didn't speak with the teacher until the first conference? that is very strange. The entire article seems a bit off to me.
119
how lovely the last paragraph is: how relaxing after the turmoil of the article
perhaps it's because i'm in the "way back" now
the turmoil is spent
She needs to take her daughter to a child psychologist. her behavior is not normal.
28
Beautiful!
2
These folks need to find a family therapist as soon as possible. This child is literally screaming for intervention and the parents are intellectualizing and trying to work it out on their own? This is one of the more disturbing stories I've read in some time.
218
I was intrigued by the title of this piece because it reminded me of myself as a child.
And when I read the piece I thought I was reading about myself as a child.
I was once a happy child, who at about the same age could no longer cope, and I was obsessed with detective stories, especially the writings of Agatha Christie when I was barely older than this child.
My change in behaviour was most likely due to the traumatic events I witnessed and and the awful things that were done to me.
My mother, to this day, has no idea or clue why I became that way - that she will admit to. It was the 1960's, she was in a bad marriage and she was not coping well herself. As for now, she's elderly and would rather not ever face the circumstances.
As a result of all of this, I grew up to be an anxious adult, hyper-vigilant and worried all the time. And I took great comfort in detective stories and stories about injustice and righting wrongs. I was also repeatedly bulled, even in my adult years.
It's taken me a great deal of time to work out the trauma from all that happened in my childhood and my early adulthood, stand up for myself and to be able to have the small and safe life I have carved out for myself.
I wish someone had looked deeper into my puzzling behaviour when I was five years old. I strongly believe my life would have been much different.
100
Your daughter was, at the very least, too young for full-day kindergarten. Within a class year, there is a full year of age difference among the children -- was your child among the youngest? And with so many children red-shirted these days, it could be up to two years difference among the students. I do agree with those who feel a visit to a child psychologist should have been your first step. Teachers can provide insight, but they also can be defensive about how they handle their classroom. This wasn't a detective story, it was a story of an angry child who needed professional help.
35
Hi - welcome to parenting, right? The mysteries are many. Of my 5 children, 4 of them decided that they hated kindergarten, and I thought the teachers were gentle and kind in all cases.
The sensitive ones pick up all of the unspoken feelings in class. There was a meltdown at the end of the day for all of my kids.
I finally got smart with my youngest -- put him in a Waldorf school, which has more emotional content and is more developmentally sensitive than any other school model I have seen. What a pleasure to see my child come home brimming with cheer and pride from having learned something each day. And by the way, the youngest aced his SAT when it came to that despite the alternative school.
Imagine yourself at work, overwhelmed each day by a job that is emotionally taxing, and confusing, not because of the intellectual content, but because of the emotional confusion.
If you can - get her out of that school. Will save a world of therapy fees at the end.
11
@Dominique Frigo I am more familiar with Montessori than Waldorf, but the reality is that during the elementary years, attending an alternative school will have no impact on future SAT scores, if that is important to you. For our daughter, it was Public (yes!) Montessori through grade 8, home school for high school, 34 on the ACT and a 25 K merit scholarship from the college she eventually attended. Another school offered 34K in merit aid, but their Mandarin program wasn't strong... so it goes. If a kid feels happy and safe, they will love learning for its own sake. Bravo to you for making an unconventional elementary choice.
1
I think this child would appreciate being introduced to the Flavia de Luce books by Alan Bradley...about an English, mid 20th century, severely and profoundly gifted, eleven-year-old who solves murders.
12
Perfect!!!!!
1
Well I sure as hell would look into someone abusing her. I’m sorry but this isn’t just anxiety 2 of my three girls suffer from severe anxiety - this screams to me that something nefarious happened to this child.
32
I was intrigued by the title of this piece because it reminded me of myself as a child.
And when I read the piece I thought I was reading about myself as a child.
I was once a happy child, who at about the same age could no longer cope, and I was obsessed with detective stories, especially the writings of Agatha Christie when I was barely older than this child.
My change in behaviour was most likely due to the traumatic events I witnessed and and the awful things that were done to me.
My mother, to this day, has no idea or clue why I became that way - that she will admit to. It was the 1960's, she was in a bad marriage and she was not coping well herself. As for now, she's elderly and would rather not ever face the circumstances.
As a result of all of this, I grew up to be an anxious adult, hyper-vigilant and worried all the time. And I took great comfort in detective stories and stories about injustice and righting wrongs. I was also repeatedly bulled, even in my adult years.
It's taken me a great deal of time to work out the trauma from all that happened in my childhood and my early adulthood, stand up for myself and to be able to have the small and safe life I have carved out for myself.
I wish someone had looked deeper into my puzzling behaviour when I was five years old. I strongly believe my life would have been much different.
1
I was intrigued by the title of this piece because it reminded me of myself as a child.
And when I read the piece I thought I was reading about myself as a child.
I was once a happy child, who at about the same age could no longer cope, and I was obsessed with detective stories, especially the writings of Agatha Christie when I was barely older than this child.
My change in behaviour was most likely due to the traumatic events I witnessed and and the awful things that were done to me.
My mother, to this day, has no idea or clue why I became that way - that she will admit to. It was the 1960's, she was in a bad marriage and she was not coping well herself. As for now, she's elderly and would rather not ever face the circumstances.
As a result of all of this, I grew up to be an anxious adult, hyper-vigilant and worried all the time. And I took great comfort in detective stories and stories about injustice and righting wrongs. I was also repeatedly bulled, even in my adult years.
It's taken me a great deal of time to work out the trauma from all that happened in my childhood and my early adulthood, stand up for myself and to be able to have the small and safe life I have carved out for myself.
I wish someone had looked deeper into my puzzling behaviour when I was five years old. I strongly believe my life would have been much different.
1
Riva Galchen is one of my favorite writers, so of course, beautifully written story. One thought: why not ask the child detective to help out with the case? For example, “I have a friend with a child who is really having a hard time with kindergarten. My friend doesn’t know what to do. Detective G, can you help out?” I had a similar situation and a therapist friend advised me to ask the child for help. I had never considered that option, but when I put it in the context of “I’m asking for a friend” it turned out to be quite a useful tool.
20
Thank you, Rivka. You're a wonderful writer and I trust your daughter shares your beautiful creativity and spirit.
As the father of three sons who range in age from ten to 30, the most important lessons I've learned are to always make it safe for children to confide. My most common response, on my best days, is, "Tell me more ..." without trying to fix, solve, or give advice. Of course, I always have the responsibility of knowing when it really is necessary to protect them versus allowing them to experience life and develop their own powerful resources and resilience.
There are no easy answers.
No matter what anyone says, there is no one size fits all prescription to parenting, beyond doing our best that our children always know they're a pleasure to us and deeply valued, loved, and respected even when their behaviors are not.
We'll never know what would have been if any one thing had been different.
You're so very lucky to have each other. I'm sure dad is very much blessed as well.
6
Some quick reactions:
1) There's not a reason to jump to the conclusion that school phobia means a child was molested. School phobia arises for other reasons: illness, feeling out of place, sometimes a parent's projection of frailty, even a bad first day.
2) What gifts of communication your daughter has! Maybe baffling, but she is gifted in her expressing herself. The Detective Game was a way to handle feelings while avoiding more friction.
To me, that suggests that she has the resiliency and emotional intelligence ( appropriate to her age) to handle change.
2) It does "kinda-sorta" sound as if she may have taken on her mom's anxieties about this major change.
3) That's a new kind of Tiger Mom. The material in it wasn't too sophisticated -- she needed a "serious" narrative which described real fears that she could connect with her own -- and it had a solid resolution. It seems to have given her a framework for understanding herself, and her family,-- and seeing herself as brave and with the ability control her actions.
On molestation: it happens. Parents are usually poor interviewers (too upset, too leading) but can inquire about whether there is anything particular about school that makes her very mad or that she'd like to ASK you about. ( she - all kids -should have instruction in appropriate touching and privacy)
If her behavior continues being fearful, angry and school avoidant, a child and family therapist might be a good resource.
12
There was a mystery for me in this: the mother describes herself as almost “too available” to her daughter, after having planned to put her in care at one week old, but then finding a place for her to start at two months old. Is that when she did actually start care? If so, does it really improve anything if the mother felt empty when her daughter was held by other people? How much more confused and empty would the young child have felt?
The many rapid mood shifts, in their context, look like “insecure attachment”, which leaves me worried for the daughter’s long-term well-being.
27
I'm not sure if this child ever saw a doctor or a therapist, but it seems that would be a good idea.
65
All I could think as I read, over and over, was, "This poor child. She is so unhappy, and no one is talking with the teacher to learn why." Why didn't the parent talk with the teach MUCH earlier? I kept wondering what might be going on at school that could contribute to the child's distress. And it's possible the teacher wouldn't say! I knew of a teacher who was highly stressed herself due to health issues and whose teaching had become pretty negative; when I heard her screaming at her students one day, I was astonished. I offered to come in as her teaching aide--and she gratefully accepted. Our dog went to school with us and children who struggled to read to the entire classroom loved reading to the dog while cuddling with her. It made all the difference in the world for the children that year.
And finally, why didn't the parent, at the very least, consider the possibility that this child simply wasn't ready for school?
104
I found this piece too long and far too-wedded to its conceit, comparing the daughter's experience to detective adventures. I wondered why the author did not speak to the teacher after a few weeks of the daughter's behavior, which was very painful to read. Or why didn't she consider consulting a therapist specializing in children?
212
It was odd to read about references to "G."--if the author didn't want to use her child's name, couldn't she have used a nickname? That would have made the child seem more human. The mother could also have written under a pename if she wanted to protect her child's identity.
I was wondering if the girl had a cousin or some children in the neighborhood she could play with. That could alleviate the temper tantrums somewhat.
Overall, the daughter came across as a complete brat, and the mother's writing was tedious to read--a mother fascinated by her intelligent brat's tantrums.
70
There is a literary term for the narrator-murderer in the Murder of Roger Ackroyd"--an "unreliable narrator." I wonder, did it occur to the writer of this article that her child's teacher may have been less than honest about the child being happy in school at the parent teacher conference? It's not unimaginable that a teacher might want to downplay bullying going on in a classroom rather than admit they are not able to control the bullies or stir up "trouble" they would have to deal with when a parent complains to the school administration (assuming, of course, that the teacher is not the bully, in which case the teacher would have even more of a reason to lie). I remember as a child, I was present during parent-teacher conferences about me, and I never once heard my teachers say anything about the bullying I experienced right in front of their eyes.
36
@LA : I was severely bullied as a child in elementary and junior high school.
Back in the 60s, I lacked even language or words to describe what was happening to me every day. The modern concepts about school bullying did not exist 50 years ago. (The closest anyone came was stuff like "being unpopular" or "lacking social skills" but none of that explained why I was being regularly beaten up, ostracized, attacked IN SCHOOL in full view of teachers, principals, librarians, bus drivers, etc.)
As an adult....I can forgive the children for what they did to me because "they knew not what they did".
I can never, ever, EVER forgive the adults who stood by and let it happen. My conclusion, even then, was that teachers and other adults, often enjoy the bullying -- they dislike the odd, ugly or "different" children themselves and think they "deserve what happens to them".
Many teachers who don't actually condone bullying....are obtuse to it, and don't realize it is even going on.
35