Ahhhh.......so, having been outed in Korea as a profiteering huckster, he now makes his way to the U.S. - and the Times. Haemin, if you're going to sell your non-Buddhist nonsense to Americans, you need an ACRONYM. How about, BWWAT? It's simple and monosyllabic, and the sound matches the quality of the content. Side note: to those TRULY seeking Buddhist insight, go to "Access to Insight" online, or read Ajahn Chah's astonishing "Stillness Flowing" (or listen to his Dhamma talks on YouTube). The Eightfold Path is open to all who wish to walk it - but be forewarned, it's NOT "simple" to quiet the mind; but instead, is THE most daunting challenge anyone will ever face.
10
Any long-term caretaker learns that self-care is necessary.
1
Exactly right, and very much there theme of my book, "Why Be Happy? The Japanese Way of Acceptance," which adds a psychological framework to Sunim's spiritual Way of Life.
You don't have to like Buddhism to follow this advice. I worked with families who had a child develop schizophrenia, and it's very true, you can't help your son or daughter if you don't take care of yourself first. Breathing is very important. It's the definition of life. Walking is quite therapeutic. Talking can be difficult if it's about Trauma. I find it's best to just bury trauma. It's history, not life today. Writing is not something I've done. I have a lot of time being retired. I could start that. I walk every morning, just a half hour through nature. It helps. A physiotherapist instructed me on breathing. I have Long Covid. I have schizophrenia. I learned early on. If I don't take care of myself, nobody else will. Eventually I was able to be altruistic, contributing to my community, and that actually helped a lot. But first, I had to take care of my health. I really liked running in those days, and swimming. For the last ten years though, it's been walking and hiking. I really like snorkeling, but that's a trip to the Caribbean. The monk is offering good advice. It seems selfish, but it's really not. It's a luxury to help other people when you can.
3
I have been caring for my husband with Alzheimer's. Each day brings me a new challenge - physically and emotionally exhausting. Walking, gardening, of simply just being outside communing with nature - that is my elixir.
3
Some years ago, the effects of stress seemed to have affected my physiology. (I shall spare you the details.) It occurred to me to make a list of the things that were troubling me. Upon completion of the list, I identified which ones I believed I had control over, and for each one I wrote down what I needed to do to correct the matter. I then set about doing so. It did not take long before my psyche was healthier and the physiological manifestations disappeared.
12
I walk four km up a mountain highway hill then down. I long ago learned to view vehicle traffic as ‘spaceships.’ Ambiguous non entities. In ten years or more of this particular walk I have encountered less than a dozen other people, mostly cyclists.
After this walk, contemplation often has soothed any worry that I may have been struggling with. I am also guaranteed a true hearty appetite after eight kilometres!
7
Yes.
Breathing. Or you may call it meditation. Or even exercise.
Make it a habit to start your day and it works wonders.
6
Yes this is also true in the Kagyu school of Tibetan Buddhism where the purpose of meditation is to help others through Tonglon but you cannot help others until you’re well enough to do Tonglon and so it begins with making yourself healthy.
3
Listen for the fringes of your mind whispering. Sift through all the small twig parts, the tiny rivulets where all the concepts being cross indexed to all the others are manifested. There are so many they are perforce tiny and weak, and most of them are nonsense. Listen hard and find the treasures in the haystack. Your purpose in this is to harvest the product of this parallel processing, and you will do this by magnifying the chosen signal, once you select it. But first you listen,and in listening all the parts of your mind will naturally quiet themselves, the way the muscle on one side of a limb relaxes when the muscle on the opposite side is tensed. The parts of your mind know there will be a payoff, for they have been trained.
8
What a great comment. Thank you!
1
Wonderful article. For me next to walking cycling in the nature (not in the city) is also relaxing.
3
This article plus the one in the Chronic Pain series, about journaling, is so helpful. Some may perceive that journaling - i.e., the practice of free-writing about the stress, anxiety, pain, getting whatever is on one’s mind on paper or in a Word document - is self indulgent rumination but it’s much more beneficial than that. During the ruminating (keep that short, if possible) your unconscious solution-driven self often emerges, and you somehow come up with more constructive options than you thought possible for dealing with the stressors. I have also found that ending some of my journal entries with a short list of, in this order, Low Points of the week/day, High Points, and Key Learnings is a great way to wrap up that particular entry. Then writing the “Next Steps” part is easier. I’ve been journaling for over 30 years, and I try to read the year’s entries during the last week of the year. Recently, I re-read a journal from 16 years ago, which was a terrible year for me on so many levels. How soothing and life-affirming it is to see that, yes, some years were more difficult than others, but noting the high points and key learnings have helped me make more sense of my long (70 y/o) life.
16
I'm the kind of guy that normally dismisses new age baloney but I find most of this stuff quite worthwhile especially walking, talking not so much.
13
@Lou
Ancient Buddhist practices could not be further from “new age baloney.”
1
Two things that I wanted to respond to here;
In Lisbon, having been here 7 mos. now, I can tell you that a marked difference in US/PT culture is that there is little or no anger or lack of civility exhibited between people here (except between drivers, Ubers and clueless tourists walking into streets without looking). It is a culture where people treat others well; even tourists, new residents. It is calm and tranquil here. I never said that about the US after 63 years of living there.
Walking = virtually no obese people that I have seen. Men and women in their 80s, 90s walking these hills. Get out of your cars if you can and walk as much as you can; it will change your life.
Yes, we are fortunate to take care of ourselves this way by opting out of the US lifestyle. My husband is in his 70s (we are still working) so we could do this.
Thank you Haemin Sunim for your wise advice.
25
I’m so delighted to read that my retirement plan is to move to Portugal and I am working on making that happen in the next two years! I definitely have to get out of here before Donald Trump runs for president again
27
@Kate Mcardle Kate, I do not like Trump either, but unlike most Democrats I do not make him the center of my life.
Right now I'm worrying that Xi's "old" friend is not going to be able to stand up to China.D
If the democratic nations don't get their act together Portugal is not going to be safe.
3
I’ve heard every one of these suggestions in 12 Step rooms. In fact, most are integral to recovery. Valid but not Buddhist. Nothing to see here...
3
You stole my comment! Works wonders and changed lives.
Why is it that everything in the US, even being a Buddhist monk is about self-marketing and making money?
13
Perhaps I have misread this article, or perhaps the journalist has poorly conveyed the essence of Haemin Sunim's teaching. If not, I am dismayed by this shallow offshoot of Buddhist philosophy. There is no question that self care is important, but what is the "self" that should be cared for before "others?" This, the core of the complication, is not even acknowledged in the article. By indulging the Western passion for simple answers to complex questions, this monk has only reinforced the greed, anger and ignorance that cause all of our suffering. What a pity!
7
@Tim - I think what the author is suggesting is like the safety orientation in an airplane before takeoff: if the oxygen masks drop down, put yours on first and then help your companion or child put theirs on. It's not about selfishness, but the fact that if you lose consciousness, you won't be able to help anyone. I think the self-care teaching here is similar. You are more likely to be able to help others if you yourself are healthy mentally and physically.
49
Hmmm, I don't see a world striving for perfection all the time. I see a world that is rarely even mediocre most of the time. And not really striving to be any better. Now, for me, THAT is frustrating. Many of the people that I have to deal with throughout the day aren't all that good at what they do. That includes people I deal with directly and the work product, such as websites, of others.
I like to think of myself as a lapsed Buddhist. That's probably why I focus on my breathing when I occasionally vent my frustration in a good scream. LOL
6
@Don Have you considered that possibly those folks you have to "deal with throughout the day" are doing the best they can? Just as you are?
Very nice. Rare as Buddhism had been drive out by the Korea Yi Dynasty for the last two centuries. Glad to see a comeback.
2
Do you know that a huge scandal related on his secret money issue was reported and he disappeared from the public eye in Korea several months ago? Maybe, he decided to go globally.
13
How ironic (but appropriate) that a piece like this should show up on my NYT webpage adjacent to one from Wirecutter, "How to Get Better Sleep Every Night," that proffered a list of *things* to buy. Alas, there are many paths to enlightenment, I guess.
2
After reading this article, I feel better. Thanks!
8
I recommend reading Psalms. There are 150 of them in the Hebrew and Christian bibles. I've read them all over the years, more than once. Now I read certain ones over and over, usually at night before I go to sleep.
They're not for everybody, Ibut you don't have to be a believer to find consolation in some off them. For example, "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God" (Psalm 42:11; I happen to prefer the King James Version because of the stateliness of Elizabethan English, but there are versions in modern English, all online)
"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning" (Psalm 30:5).
"As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth. For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more. But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children's children" (Psalm 103:15-17)
If the idea of reading the Bible gives you the heebie-jeebies, keep in mind that the Psalms and other books of the Bible weren't written to be "books of the Bible" under the control of white Christian zealots. The Psalms in particular are very old and contain much human wisdom and can help you endure "the eternal note of sadness" that Matthew Arnold wrote of in his poem "Dover Beach."
12
@SMS
Thank you for the quotes from the King James. They are so lovely and so comforting.
1
@SMS The whole idea of 'god' came about because the ancient equivalent of white Christian zealots' felt the need to control, threaten and cajole his fellow tribesmen into doing what he wanted. Religion is built, and enforced by fear and the wrath of your god. Why do you think the phrases 'holy wars' and 'Christian soldiers' slip so easily off your tongue and into the common language? Religion is inherently conflictual--just think about almost any interaction between Christians, Muslims and Jews at any time in the past up to the present. Sadly for the buddhists and similar their practice has been labeled a religion by the west even though there may not be a god in the western sense. The psalms may be comforting, and I don't deny you your comfort, but they are not of the bible; they are a previous culture's words of wisdom wrapped in a layer of KJV to make them special and revered by people who just see them as things--a part of their good book.
1
thank you for bringing this back NYT. Very much needed.
3
I felt that doing self-care was a waste of time, because my life's problems were still there and were not any better. Then I switched around my thinking: Not doing self-care made my problems worse.
12
Timely, helpful! Thaks
2
Bhudda said, "I believe nothing unless I prove it in myself."
If there is something in this book that works toward knowledge,
that is a good thing.
4
Write down a list and pick the easiest task in
the morning. What if it is something you have no control over, there is nothing you can do?
Seems like I've heard most of that before.
4
@Becky Sue
If it’s not in your control and there’s nothing you can do, it’s not the easiest thing; in fact, it’s not even a task for you. Perhaps the task in this case is acceptance.
2
The philosopher Martin Buber (1878-1965) said "To begin with oneself but not to end with oneself."
21
Another charlatan whose main goal in life is to accumulate personal wealth disguised as a spiritual healer. All his words are basically a rehashing of the great Korean monk Bupjong without his integrity and profundity. Monk Haemin is considered a prime example of the hypocritical and banal religious figures whose infamy is well chronicled across the country. Read the following article.
http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/art/2021/04/398_299494.html?RD
32
Thank you for this link. The story was eye opening.
8
@Young Park Totally agree with you.
1
@Young Park Thank you very much for the link. I must say that I am not surprised even for one moment. All these people are kind of gurus whose only goal is self aggrandizing. Power, power power. He does not say any thing new nor original. Eating healthy, walking, talking, and even writing and breathing are things that have been told and taught so many years ago. In the West as in the East. So fake.
We should start opening ourselves to the world instead of looking at ourselves so obsessively.
2
What does Buddhism has to do with all this? In fact these steps pretty much contradict with the core principals of Buddhism.
3
@Ranjith it is the medicine of the Buddhist culture without the culture. Do you really have a problem with that?
write it down....
5
@Ranjith I suggest you read the Sattipatthana Sutta, wherein the Buddha taught the value of meditating on the breath, the first step on the path to realization. You may then understand how Haemin Sunim's suggestions relate to Buddhism.
7
Haemin,
Its a little more complicated for us kookoo westerners
2
Actually it’s NOT more complicated. That’s why so many westerners are kookoo
1
Tanks. I needed this. It is nice reminder of things I have thought and believed for a long time, but had somehow lost rack of with all the current goings on.
I would like to recommend a very good book whose title escapes me, but it is essentially a dialogue between the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. They show how two people from somewhat different backgrounds can find understanding and apparently very deep friendship. There are many lessons to be learned from these two great men. And, to top it off there are actually some good laughs in there. Find a nice warm place to read it, and enjoy.
9
The book you are referring to is “The Book of Joy” by Douglas Abrams. It is one of my favorite books- it holds so much wisdom on how to experience joy. And the friendship and love between these two extraordinary men is so beautiful. Highly recommend!!!
9
@Megan
Thanks, Megan. It's been a while since I read the book, and I just couldn't recall the title even though the picture on the cover was crystal clear. I think I might just pull it up on my Nook and use it for my coffee break reading.
For many years, when employees and friends were exhibiting symptoms of stress, I suggested to them that they make a list of the dragons they were facing (stressful things in their lives). That does a few things for them. Just writing down a "problem" puts it in context with the other problems one is facing, enabling a separation between short and long-term. That helps separate those that are smaller and easier to deal with versus larger and longer-term issues, and where they might need help. Bite off a couple of easy ones and there are fewer overall. It really helps. The other thing I would periodically tell them: Treat yourself gently and smile at the lady/guy in the mirror. We all deserve that.
9
OMG you broke his Twitter. Oops. How contemporary!
1
Sounds like very sensible advice.
4
At a Kalachakra teaching with His Holiness the Dalai Lama, he said
"If what we talk about here helps you, use it.
If it doesn't help you, forget about it."
32
I tried to follow him on Twitter….account doesn’t exist. ?
2
@KT I guess he announced that he's not going to publicly teach or write again. Last year Koreans found that this guy is just a materialistic businessman and has been denounced by many of his colleagues - especially monks.
9
@John doesn't mean that what he said was not true... there are lots of sites that are materialistic but it certainly doesn't jibe with buddism
5
Another approach is to work on your most difficult tasks in the morning. After that, everything looks better.
12
There is a certain Zen calm that comes from having money in the bank.
52
@Ray Baura
As much as I appreciated and practice self care, what you state is absolutely true. Sometimes self care is having the wherewithal to plan for all the unexpected circumstances in life that we know will materialize………and involve money.
12
@Mark I didn't have any money when I started to practice. And it really helped. Especially when I was keeping my heat at 55 during the day because I couldn't afford it, and my car was stolen. Without these techniques, I would have lost my mind.
11
….. have money in the Bank…. But what if the bank goes bust? What if the money is with Madeoff, Lehman or citi bank. Citi shares are only up 13 percent this year, while BOA is up 60 percent, what if I put my money into the wrong bank, or take it out of the right bank and put it into the wrong bank. Or if I take
It out of the wrong bank just before that bank becomes the right bank. These thing can happen, I know because they always seem to happen to me
2
I would have never thought that I would be living through a pandemic but its just something that life has puts us in. At first when I heard about the corona virus I was a bit worried however through out the days I just don't know anymore. I came across this article and learned things from it. That I should take time to think about my self and not just others. Really appreciate everything that it taught me. Even after this is all other I'll continue to do the same.
We will get through this together.
7
@Alejandra -
"I would have never thought that I would be living through a pandemic... We will get through this together."
Not all of us.
5
Argh. This kind of ethereal nonsense has no effect on anything real.
2
@Jolie - Actually his ideas are effective AND totally in reality. There are real scientific studies on breathing as a source of calm, as walking being the safest exercise, as talk therapy being very beneficial. The holidays are especially difficult for many, and these words can be a source of solace. Far from ethereal nonsense it give people tools to cope.
94
Ethereal implies that it is somehow abstract and not related to life. The advice in this article is the opposite.
I feel like Alan Watts.
21
Another Buddhist practice which has been proved as healthy as some monks used to think is the drinking of green tea.
5
The only part that gives me pause is acceptance, given the pace of climate change and the almost inevitability of a bleak and unlivable future, acceptance really just translates to lay down and wait for oblivion.
8
There is a strain of Buddhism, activist Zen, as started by Thich Nant Hanh and the Vietnamese Buddhists who immolated themselves. I respect them. It’s hard not to. They put their skin in the game. But there was a very intelligent modern Zen teacher who said that the last temptation of modern Zen Buddhists is to become a revolutionary. Zen is not about that kind of revolution.
10
@Ragav - No. Acceptance does not at all mean this. Learning to accept your own issues allows you to see more clearly what you are capable of doing and lifts the frustration that hampers quiet thinking. Then you can use your clarity and focus to put your energies to work at whatever challenges most concern you.
33
Acceptance for me is to “let go and let god.” And I’m an atheist.
10
I agree with everything except the "Talk" with a close nonjudgmental friend fantasy. There's no such thing as a nonjudgmental friend. Trained mental health professionals with thousands of hours of experience struggle to remain nonjudgmental, but somehow our close friends will find that easy to do just by virtue of their closeness? If close friends were truly nonjudgmental, why would anyone bother paying psychotherapy at all?
31
@Skip Bonbright Disagree. I have never met a nonjudgmental therapist, or psychiatrist for that matter, in 30 years. A close friend = much better. Psych therapy can make things worse. And I’m taking Cornell, Yale trained along with routine.
3
These wonderful words of wisdom can not shared enough! My Nana always said "you can't take care of anyone else if you haven't taken of yourself". aka You are going to sick if you run yourself ragged for everyone especially this time of year!
14
Be a Stoic.
16
Stoicism is a valuable philosophy. Marcus Aurelius is very worthwhile. Buddhism, however gets down to the bone marrow where philosophies appeal to the heart or brain.
13
I love Marcus Aurelius. Being a Stoic is in line with being a Buddhist. Don’t let philosophy become an abstraction. This is your life. What you think and feel matters.
15
Going to the library, just about every day, is what keeps me on an even keel.
42
I try to walk the walk 16 miles a day, outside, religiously, regardless of what's going on around me and have been doing so for quite a while now.
Nothing calms me more as everything seems to fall into place.
Getting to know yourself, warts and everything else, is best found one step at a time.
50
The words "walk" and "learn" share an Indo-European root, which is hardly surprising.
19
What is the shared root for walk and learn that you’re referring to?
11
‘Walk on…” Gautama Buddha
2
Thank god for retirement. Except write I do all this. It’s literally my daily routine. Maybe I’ll write too now. But I’m also learning guitar, classical, jazz, rock...it also helps. And I’m on local school board, so I’m not always focused on self. I find it provides connections as well. Good luck everyone with your self care!
29
If you’re on your local school board, you’re going to need to practice self-care — the radicalism of so many of our fellow citizens has made local civic life a nightmare.
3
Buddha said that the meditation on one’s own death is the most fruitful meditation. I found that to be the case. I used to be morbidly terrified of death as a child. The thought of personal oblivion kept me up at night since my parents let me watch “Harold and Maude” when I was about 6. Now, I think it’s funny that I knew death was good enough for Jesus and Buddha and Einstein and Beethoven and Shakespeare but I thought I was too good to die. And nothing bothers me personally so much anymore. I worry about the rest of you, still.
59
The advice on walking is really important. It took me years to learn this simple and obvious thing. I used to think taking walks was sort of boring, until I tried them a different way, namely walks of 6-8 miles - every weekend, either Saturday or Sunday. For me a walk of that length takes most of the day, but speed is not the point. The point is that it induces meditation while working the body. By the end, you know you have achieved something and this affects other things in a very positive way. It is an amazing stressbuster in a way that more intense workouts may not be (running and aerobics are great but they involve adrenaline and can sometimes add to stress - that was my own experience at any rate). It seems to me that the human being as a species was designed to walk long, long distances.
52
Buddhism has a very healthy respect for walking long long distances. I remember a Zen teacher “bragging” about how his father walked 50 miles at a time, no problem. The thing is, a lot of people think of walking as exercise. Something to get done. The enjoyment of the moment of being outside having a nice walk is better.
31
@Ben John Muir was my great uncle. Many family stories have been shared from generation to next generation. I always loved my dad’s kinship with Muir, how he kinda looked like him, thought liked him, romanticized and worried like him. But the most valuable thing my father taught me about being a Muir was to be a walker, to be in and of nature itself, even if that nature has to be found in Brooklyn!
"Hike? I don't like either the word or the thing. People ought to saunter in the mountains - not hike!
"Do you know the origin of that word 'saunter?' It's a beautiful word. Away back in the Middle Ages people used to go on pilgrimages to the Holy Land, and when people in the villages through which they passed asked where they were going, they would reply, "A la sainte terre,' 'To the Holy Land.' And so they became known as sainte-terre-ers or saunterers. Now these mountains are our Holy Land, and we ought to saunter through them reverently, not 'hike' through them."
49
Beautiful reminiscence. I love how they haven’t shut down this article. It is so appropriate for Buddhism.
9
These days we practically hold or breath from the anxieties of the hurry up world on internet adrenaline. When I caught myself ‘not breathing ‘ as I wait the 10 seconds for any electric device, I switched to deep breathing exercises, and worked like an invisible Xanax over the course of a day filled with 10 second delays.
This article is exactly, the summation of advice I must share with a friend who had suffered loss, lost contact, and hit some heath issues all at once thus making him distant and unavailable. But first I am going to take a walk and write the letter in long hand for my own selfishly healthy self-care, that we each so richly deserve.
14
How do I concentrate on my breathing when it only reminds me of watching my son's last breaths? Therapists keep saying it.
7
Concentrating on breathing doesn’t work for everyone. For people with anxiety disorders and asthma it can cause more mental distress than it alleviates, for example. I would recommend, instead, focusing your eyes on one single place on your wall or ceiling. Keep them fixed for a few minutes. The temptation will be to let them wander. The focus will help your mind and keeping your vision stationary will help keep anxiety at bay. I hope this helps, but there is no easy fix for such pain.
27
Dear Bereaved Parent,
Heartfelt condolences. There is no greater loss than the one you're experiencing.
In the short term, it may be best not to focus on your breathing, but to find other ways to live with, and come to terms with, your loss. This will take time, probably a long time, maybe forever -- but that is natural. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.
In the longer term, if you accept -- not just intellectually, but emotionally and even physically -- that your son still lives in and through you, the realization may follow that he breathes in and through you: your breaths are his. If this helps, then focus on your (his) breathing; if not, no matter, you will find another way.
Peace.
63
@Bereaved Parent
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.
25
Write a letter to a friend, with a pen and paper, not just a quick signing of a holiday card. So what if you don't mail it til January... I have letters that go on for months! I mail them when they are finished.
27
I love this advice. I was thinking of trying to adapt it somehow for my child, who is very stressed with schoolwork. I can see how talking to friends helps, and exercise, but how about the idea of acceptance of struggles and imperfections? Is the idea to try your best, while accepting whatever result will come?
I know a lot of students are stressed, and in this results-oriented culture of ours, it would be useful to have some way of thinking that is counter to what is happening now.
10
@Treetop
Sometimes a self-esteem and confidence booster to a student helps with stress from workload, such as, "You got this!" or "You know this!" "You're smart, you can handle this."
Other times helping them develop time management or organizational skills. Show them that taking deep breaths and taking breaks helps with overall effectiveness.
Also remind them that it will be the same when they are professionals one day. They'll have to prioritize what has to be done first and work from there.
4
So, when I clicked on this article, what do i do next? skip (oops, I meant pay attention to) an ad. Imperfect and trite reminder as to why we need this help.
7
I sat down to read this article when I knew I needed to be doing something else: getting a charity donation together for drop-off tomorrow. There were 100 excuses in my head (OK, maybe not that many..) why I did want to jump in and do this. None, however, meant that I wasn’t taking care of myself while sitting. However, I realized how much I sit and stress.
Sometime the stress of the end of the day provokes me to just fall down in a big heap. I have been going all day, I whine to myself. Yet when I read these five things not one of them says plop down, stress about things and give up. They all require action. They all require introspection or creativity. None require consumption. (OK I did consume the article.)
Since it was too dark to walk outside I thought I’d ‘walk’ among the items I was donating. I was ready to let them all go. Then I remembered what one worker told me one time when I gave him some worn, scuffed shoes: ‘If you don’t have any shoes these are are a god-send.’
Helping. It’s not life saving but maybe donating this stuff I was brightening someone’s day. And, I wouldn’t have got to that thought without some action. Without first realizing just sitting here does not mean I’m taking care of myself. Then I thought of others.
9
Beautiful! Another image I try to hold in my mind when I'm feeling down on myself, because I've let my emotions get the better of me (again), is something Gautama Buddha was supposed have said: "A person's life is like a snake's skin, we must continually shed the past in order to grow."
35
I'm having more fun now as I approach retirement age than at any stage of my life. At this point acceptance becomes natural and the approach to what I hope will be a long end of the road is clear headed and pragmatic. One thing though, everything in life is much more enjoyable when one exercises or follows an active life, a strong body is a prerequisite for a healthy inner being.
35
I've practiced the third disciple throughout my adult life. Need to put more focus on the 5th.
3
Acceptance. Talking.
Two ideas totally foreign to Washington DC.
(BOTH sides of the aisle!)
13
Imperfection is the essence of our humanity. Without it we would not laugh; we would not cry; we would not love.
8
In my many years of life I have found that it is virtually impossible to be gracious, grateful, and tolerant of others if you dislike and demean yourself. Deal with your own issues, then accept yourself - and the world will benefit.
37
Does reading the NYT and doing the crosswords count as a meditation.....it's completely 'other worldly' (other wordly) to me. Last illness was the flu in winter of 2000....
14
@Caroline M Counts as a relaxing pastime perhaps, but no, not meditation.
1
@Greg
The meditation police speak!
4
Why not. I have been doing the crosswords and other NYT games before bed to quiet my mind, since I lost my husband in 2018.
I teach meditation to others as part of my therapy practice. Some activities such as walking and simple chores such as washing dishes can be considered a type of meditation because they are focused activities that don’t require analysis or judgement.
If these activities allow you to let go of your random or intrusive thoughts and let you go into a flow and give you peace then they can work as well as traditional breathing or chanting meditation.
The key is don’t worry about labels because that sets up the entanglement with thoughts. Don’t even worry about getting it all in the puzzle!
16
“be good to yourself first — then to others.”
So true. You can't be much help to others if you don't take care of yourself first. Some might think this is selfish behavior, but it's just the opposite. If you're always putting others needs before yourself, resentment and contempt creep in like a shadow, and you become less empathetic, not more.
20
Pain in life is inevitable, but suffering like happiness is a choice.
In Buddism, there is a saying: All suffering is caused by clinging.
Sounds easy, but it isn't at all easy to let go......we humans spend a lifetime learning that life itself is transitory.
Thanks to the NYT for publishing this.
47
@Norm
"...but suffering like happiness is a choice."
Sure, tell that to an abused child.
6
Suffering is absolutely not a choice according to Buddhism. Anyone who believes that is deluded. Suffering is a condition of existence. To exist is to suffer. Abused children suffer very badly, as you note. I absolutely despise the new age interpretations of Buddhism. They are terrible and blame the victim, as you have replicated. In true Buddhism, suffering is a condition of existence. We all suffer and we all deserve it. Only through our practice can we transcend suffering and help all sentient beings.
5
Deserving suffering is not something I want to introduce. Their are interpretations of karma which say such a thing. I would rather say that we all suffer, but we respond to suffering based on karma.
4
Compassion and acceptance brings peace. I am very grateful for the wisdom and content that meditation brings and the reminders to practice it at stressful times of the year (thank you New York Times!). But let us also not forget that accepting mediocrity as well as evil is a sure path to far greater stress. We need to improve ourselves and our happiness but we must also defeat the devil plotting against us and dethrone his agents. Otherwise, we will be ruled by our enemies like Tibet is ruled by China.
10
One of the things I love about this advice is that it doesn’t involve buying anything. (This makes sense given the source.) So often “self care” involves things like manicures and massages. But with the advice offered here, as long as we have a friend, a pen, and some paper, we already have everything we need to take care of ourselves in important ways.
105
@Galfrido Buying anything is a stress-inducing activity for several reasons: (1) you want to be sure you got a bargain (2) you feel guilty for spending money (3) you now have something to take care of and worry about - an attachment to the thing you bought (4) you may worry it could be stolen or damaged even by yourself accidentally, and so on...
6
I wonder what his thoughts are on his brethren in Burma. The monks advocating genocide. Buddhism is retraction from normal humanity for selfish desires of nirvana. Please protect us from this selfish tradition.
4
Lighten up, Francis. His choice of spirituality has nothing to do with others.
7
@Watah That's a very narrow view of Buddhism, I would say. I doubt most practicing Buddhists would espouse what is happening in Burma or intentionally harming anyone. As for retracting oneself from humanity, please see Thich Nhat Hanh's ideas on engaged Buddhism among others.
14
@Watah
I am Catholic. A friend likes to remind me of the abuse of children by priests in the States or anywhere else.
I don’t reply. What am I going to say. I pray. I do my best to be a decent human being.
7
Here I thought that all that stuff is what marijuana is for. Pass the bong, Baby.
11
This article is saying absolutely nothing new, but it's a nice reminder (and fantastic publicity for what seems like a wonderful book). But the phrase "self-care" is so tiresome. It's being used with everything from designer body lotion to self-help books to posh resorts.
29
I also find that quite a few monks here in Korea have an excellent sense of humor.
I once had a good friend of mine, who is a female monk, introduce me to a politician as her boyfriend.
The stony look that followed was priceless.
38
This is very good advice during a very stressful time of the year! Buddhism is about human sufferings. To reduce suffering Buddhist monks observed simplicity of life, without envy of others with money or power. They practice humility and compassion by begging for food and donation in order to understand suffering of the poor and people that society has rejected. For ordinary people living in Buddhist culture who are suffering from loss of loved ones, financially failure and other stressors of life would retire to a Buddist temple to meditate and reflect on the basic meanings of life, to heal oneself before returning to society.
Haemin Sunim is sharing his wisdom with outsiders without having to go to a temple to learn by writing a book.
Modern life is full of stress from too much competition, constant measuring ones success compared to others in status, riches and power. I believe that In order to show love and compassion to others, we need to accept our own being and failings, rather than look to others to envy. Only when we can care for oneself before we can care for others! Understanding, compassion, and love will come along naturally for oneself and others.
23
My fifty plus years' self care practice comes from Seitai in Japan, which teaches techniques of breathing and removing stress. Seitai leads us to remove stress each day; and never carry it over to the next day. It does not touch religious beliefs.
Its self healing practice is based on taking responsibility on one's self for well being.
For eating well; I became a Zoner almost thirty years ago, which was developed by Dr. Barry Sears.
Today's Japan TV NHK gives me their ideas of healthy food choices.
I hike and rock scramble, that gives me tranquility. I walk in my hilly neighborhood and talk to the neighbors.
On writing; Occasionally posting my comment on NYT gives me an additional fun activity.
I have learned to accept inevitables and to change what can be improved by evolving myself to develop a new direction. That always helped achieving happier ending.
At 77, I am free of any medication and supplements.
I am well.
That covers all FIVE; Breathe, Accept, Write, Talk, and Walk.
120
@hiker Inspirational - I'm hoping to get there in good shape, I'm 55 now.
@no one in particular You are someone in particular. You are you! You are unique, just like everyone else!!
Best wishes on your continuing journey.
1
Imagine the consequences of never brushing your teeth, on yourself and others. Your mind and heart deserve the same basic care.
28
I've always liked this adage: If you don't have time to meditate for 5 minutes, then meditate for an hour.
91
A clear and Well-Written daily path for each of us;
given who and what we are,
are not, and may never BE, as
well as who and what we are/may yet BEcome.
An addition to consider: Embrace experiencing failure
as a gift. An opportunity to “Fail better.”
Each and every time.
A Buddhist saying:” Fall down 7 times,
get up 8 times. That is the road to perfection.”
BEing flawed-limited Beings, we need not
strive for perfection; BEing menschlich to
self, others, and our many worlds is quite reasonable.
8
I am reminded that Mohandas Gandhi (aka Mahatma Gandhi) said that he meditated an hour a day, two hours a day when his schedule was too full.
17
When you pour water into a cup, water becomes the cup.
Be like Water, My Friend. Be Like Water. Bruce Lee.
8
Great photo, but do we really need a Buddhist monk to remind us to take walks and find people to talk with?
8
@Alan Cole Those were only two of his tips. Focusing on your breath was his first one. I’m happy to take the advice of a Buddhist monk, or anyone else who can teach me something. Thank you NYT for publishing this.
90
Yes
34
@Galfrido The point of my comment was that this advice is so basic, your mother should have taught it to you when you were a child. Mine did.
6
If only our politicians took to being mindful and being kind....of only our bosses, our colleagues, our families...I guess it will have to start with me :)
32
A beautiful reminder to accept the paradox of life, of human existence. When we care for ourselves, are are more aware and better able to care for and serve others; when we care for and serve others, we care for ourselves and better able to care for ourselves.
42
Be kind and gentle also with ourselves and as we grow in good, kind and gentle with ourselves those same desires expand to include others.
Every journey begins with the first step, take it and "BE GOOD TO YOURSELF"
ROYL
15
Thanks . Well is enriching my life. I look for it every day.
6
I agree with the five-step plan, especially walks in the woods with my darling doggie. It’s the best remedy for stress and the daily grind of modern life.
47
@Zareen -
I don’t currently have a dog but I borrowed my friend’s dogs for a while for long walks through the woods and they were amazing. I can still see the snow, the trees, and the dogs, even many years later. Everyone - the two dogs, and me - loved those walks.
42
@Zareen i do the same with my little doggie. fortunately, i live in 'nature' so it's easy. but even in a city, just walking can free the stress if we don't carry it with us but decide to be curious about what see and hear. try it. good medicine for toxic living.
12
@mrpotatoheadnot
growing up in a big family there were times that the family dog was the only one in the house who was loved unconditionally. I think dogs can work wonders when they interact with humans. I know this is going slightly off-topic, but both the comments above reminded me of how our dog held us together when without him our family could have fallen apart.
28
What a wonderful article. It is amazing how such simple things can make us feel better. They don’t take much time, they take no money, they just require us to prioritize doing something so simple that it seems unimaginable it could be so profound. Thank you, Haemin Sumin, for sharing!
56
Since abolishing Christmas and other busy popular holidays, my life has become so much less stressful. Rather than giving gifts, learn to do things for others. Life is good.
115
@Heysus
Me too! What a relief not to celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving.
13
I have been neglecting my yoga practice--too many chores, so little time. I read the first line of this article and turned on the heat in my studio, readying for my hour of yoga asanas and meditation.
The religious aspect holds no interest for me, but quieting my mind and stretching my body in times of internal and external stress is crucial to my well-being.
I forgot.
Thank you Haemin Sunim for reminding me how to take care of myself.
34
Nice article. Two points: can we please dispense with the word “mindful” and all its variants? It could easily be replaced by “aware” which is a word that has been with us for a long time and doesn’t carry any loopy-doopy New Age connotations. Second point: self care can be achieved equally well by getting one’s heartrate elevated in a natural outdoor setting. Yes, I realize not everyone has access to forests and mountains. But too often, self-care is discussed only in an indoor, urban-bound context when it should equally be described as getting back to what we humans evolved to do: live in—and as a part of—nature, walking, climbing, and scrambling over the earth.
27
Aware vs being mindful...
You can be aware of doing the dishes without being focused on it the whole time. You know you are doing the dishes while thinking of your to-do list for next day, stewing over some arguments with your spouse, you get the point.
When you are mindful of doing the dishes, you are aware in a different more focused way.. you are going through most of your senses the whole time you are doing the dishes. Like the squirting the dispenser, see the color of the liquid, the feel of the water and soap, the formation of the bubbles, the smell of the detergent if it has any added fragrance, the feel of your hand and/or the brush and the dishes while scrubbing the pots and pans, the sounds of the clanking of the pots in the sinks or the plopping sounds of putting the stuff on the counter to dry and the contentment that such a simple activity brings and makes you feel in the moment and devoid of any external thoughts (thats the key difference between being mindful and being aware of an activity)
Hope it helps.
Also to your other point, the article does talk about going for a walk outdoors.
6
Now we turn to a Buddist monk for peace when we come to CHRIST-mas. The whole purpose of Buddhism, if there is one, comes down to “nothing-ness” what you mistakenly call ‘peace’. It is fake because it is not the Truth. Read Gospels, listen to what Jesus says. Find how heavenly and worldly values intersect and he came to earth to give peace and Truth. I love New York Times, but sometimes you try so hard being hip (“open-minded” in your term) or Jewish. Give your rightful share to the origin of the season ‘Chrstmas’.
3
Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus. If you read the Gospels, particularly the beatitudes, it seems likely that Jesus, if he was alive today, would agree with everything this monk suggests.
173
I didn’t take this article to be focused on a mere holiday. Perhaps the timing of the publication has steered you in the wrong direction. This is about finding calm and peace within the self no matter the time of year. In fact, depending on one’s life, the practice of mindfulness and self care is the best non ingestible medicine there is. I thank the author for reminding me to take the time for my own well being at its deepest level. Religion has nothing to do with it, not even Buddhism.
125
Buddhism is not about nothingness. It has a point, and that is the elimination of suffering.
37
Try not to smother your anguish, but sit with it peaceably and with some appreciation.
Acknowledge its intensity, its long vigil and its clockwork reliability.
Notice its nature and where it begins and ends.
Is it an enemy, or a well-intentioned friend?
Touch its outer limits and climb to a nearby summit for a wider, calmer view.
Try to let go of time as impatience will turn it into a winter of howling wind.
Return periodically to the margin as a curious traveler would.
Watch it rise and fall with each breath.
In due course it will surely let you in.
Here is where freedom screams from behind a succession of muffling screens.
See what fortifed you, but imprisons you now.
Watch each shield fall before its gathering strength.
What seems a great uproar is but a rallying cry for the journey home.
30
Loving oneself first, before loving, or caring for others, is, not only nonsense, it has been an all too familiar meme since the early seventies. We learn to love ourselves, through being loved and by loving others.
11
But one could equally well argue that we learn to love others through loving ourself. If we lack the capacity to love ourselves we lack the capacity to love anyone else. It’s like oxygen masks on a plane. If we don’t put on our own mask first we risk becoming incapable of helping others (our children perhaps) put on theirs.
36
I think the problem I have with your viewpoint is that you set yourself up to be judged by others as the effectiveness of your acts is only a reflection of how others perceive their value. I think at its core, self care is about relieving the self of its own ills and then being a better carer of others as a result. Care for yourself first by being aware of your own limitations and working through them. Even the finest physician must take care of him or herself before hoping to help others.
22
Great! Now I have five more things I need to do, in addition to what's already on my list!
Author: My Zen, Your Zen
2
Any time I have trouble falling asleep, I practice deep breathing. It really does quiet my mind and by concentrating on breathing alone, the other things I'm thinking about gradually fade away. Sometimes I count my breaths, and I rarely make it to 20. It's a wonderful technique for relaxing the mind and allowing myself to just drift off into sleep.
33
Awakening, being Present in this moment, and this one, and this one… is far and away our greatest challenge as self-aware Beings. Our individual, self-created, drama-filled realities are so much more alluring than is Reality.
If we're not conscious of our breathing, we are not conscious. Such a challenge, such a blessing. Time for a walk…
14
I am fortunate to live near Inwood Hill Park, the only old growth forest in Manhattan (and the only natural salt marsh too.) I go "forest bathing" almost every day. If I didn't have the woods I could not live in Manhattan. In this particularly stressful age I find solace with my walks. I must add though that I want my granddaughter to know something other than the America of today and am thinking of trying to buy a place in Europe. Yes, it has its problems too but less gun violence and a focus on family and the simple pleasures of life.
43
@SN Parts of mid Ireland have vast areas of trees and rocks and serenity
8
Us too, buying a place in Portugal too much gun violence, competition, noise and division! Get me out!
7
@Alison Good luck to you! I sent my son to Costa Rica to live a year ago. He is so much happier there. He has no desire to return to the US. I talked to a doctor in the capital city of San Jose the other day. Originally from Argentina, he had been a practicing surgeon in Chicago for years and left America three years ago because it had gotten so crazy. He said he doesn't work at the level he was able to in the U.S. but felt so much freer and happier in Costa Rica. I hope you and your family find the same in Portugal. No other country is committing mass murder against each other with this kind of frequency. No other country has their children killing themselves and each other at epidemic rates. We are unwell here. A collective insanity has taken hold.
4
Buddhist practice has passed from master to student for hundreds of generations, distilling wisdom about how to unwind imbalances. The wisdom is often very specific to the emotional and developmental context.
Dharma sayings and advice in books is necessarily vague, though specific anecdotes can show as much as they say. They are like ads, inviting people to engage in alleviating suffering.
One key insight is that the practice is pervasive: learning to calm yourself in a quiet room reminds you to calm and focus yourself before speaking or commuting or whatever you do.
Invitations and reminders and retreats are nothing, really. It's only the actual doing, the effort, that is activating, empowering, and pacifying. It requires no time, when you do it all the time.
I encourage everyone to pay attention to those who have the most experience and the longest traditions -- who might or might not be selling books or even putting themselves forward as teachers.
Or (following Krishnamurti): forget teachers :)
16
I am intrigued to know how the Buddhist way of thinking began thousands of years ago in China - even before Buddha, I imagine. There is a timeless wisdom in that culture, from which we Americans continue to try to learn.
2
@Dana Moriarty Buddhism's origins can be traced back to 6th century northern India, spreading to China, Japan, and the rest of Asia. Many books and online sources are available on the origin and history of Buddhism. A quck internet search would help you find the information you're looking for.
5
@Dorell I think you mean the 5th century BCE.
3
I love to walk and I used to listen to music or an audiobook on an iPod.
I have ceased doing the above and enjoy my walk much more, now that I immerse myself in the sights and sounds around me.
65
Just for the record, I noticed more replies than in most articles with advice to other people about how they should breath, think, and treat others.
I found that interesting, twitter-like.
Sunim's ideas are wonderful, basic, and beautiful in their simplicity, but it is true that it can be difficult to make time to do these things. For me, one of the challenging things to do was put myself first when I spent my life putting everyone before me. When my son passed away in July, I was 'forced' to do many of these things the author writes about. In my grieving I began to write on a daily basis, which helped me release the intense sadness and helplessness I was feeling. I also spoke to a good friend and husband whenever I needed to have someone listen. Then I began taking a daily walk which became the most soothing activity for my mind. I also try to think about the quote, "The quieter you become the more you can hear." Thank you for this article. It served as a daily reminder that we must take care of ourselves first before we can reach out to others.
178
@Diane Steiner thank you for sharing your sincere reflection. Libby
28
Talking is the one on the list that seems the most challenging these days. I am extremely grateful I experienced a good portion of my life in pre-internet/texting days. Verbal communication is mood altering for me: no unfortunate misinterpretation that can be so prevalent online. I hope to be able to keep these 5 in the back of my mind as I find ways of rationalizing our world more and more difficult.
16
Once we accept the imperfections in ourselves, it is easier to love those around us with whom we disagree. TJL
38
@TJLMD I have been reading all of these comments, and when I got to yours, I stopped in my tracks: your comment is the truth.
3
I stumbled upon Haemin Sunim's first book (The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down) and can testify that it is better than a weighted blanket! It soothes. I cannot wait to read his new book.
I love and practice the five steps and have also discovered that time really does heal wounds. Even though I meditate, I often want harmony based on my point of view. This leads to being a conversationalist Sisyphus, pushing the same heavy rock up the same hill only to have it roll back down. But recently I discovered that it is okay to just disagree and not try to convince another of the veracity of my point of view. :)
The funny thing is that as time passes, the disagreement often disappears or a better conversation occurs.
Time may not heal everything like Brexit or impeachment or the Democratic Primaries but it does heal.
Give it time; let it go. Oh, it's time to listen to the Frozen soundtrack.
14
And it's not just about self -- this kind of practice is also the best foundation for being of service to the greater world.
37
I had a very unexpected heart attack in September and found that my employer (almost to a person) was completely unsympathetic to my struggle afterwards (more mental, to be honest). I realized then I had to care for myself and once I obtained leave from work, I started a journey towards self-care. Three months later, I can tell you of the value of talking to a friend and taking walks. I would personally add simply making time for yourself and making yourself a priority. For me, that is traveling some and looking at art and listening to music, which calm me. I have also gotten far better at telling people "no". I hope to carry these things forward for as long as I shall live.
378
@Thomas At 38 years old and with zero risk factors, I had a stroke in September. They still dont know why it happened. I echo everything you just said.
27
@Thomas I hope you heal soon and have a health 2020.
12
@Adam I sincerely hope your life gets back on track after such an unfortunate event.
9
Love the suggestion to walk. Now let's design our cities and towns with sidewalks and streets that are safe for pedestrians.
470
With no bikes or scooters on the sidewalks
13
@Michael Di Pasquale And get people to use them. Sigh. My HOA is large and has plenty of sidewalks. I drove to the bank today and had to move over constantly for people walking in the middle of the street while they ignored the sidewalks completely. I just don't get why they do it.
6
@Jennifer in my HOA neighborhood the sidewalks are not wide enough for two people to walk side by side now that the shrubs and trees have grown up. That's why we end up walking in the street. Maybe it's the case in your neighborhood too?
7
I have been practicing self -care for years and it's been great. The biggest obstacle is the reluctance to implement one's resolves. To overcome reluctance I have found the biggest help is to follow Mark Twain's advice: go for self -approval for as he says: "Mans’ sole purpose: the imperious necessity of securing his own approval. It is our only spur, our whip, our goal, our only impelling power."
10
We tend to forget that the most profound and meaningful steps are often the simplest. Money cannot buy longterm happiness! Put down the charge cards this holiday season and give the gift of yourself.
34
How about walk before talk. Speech is silver, silence is gold.
28
If one's self is all one cares, this is fine. Or, one can be like a couple friends of mine. The wife ignores stress and the husband exports it. To be clear, I love them dearly and theirs are certainly strategies with deal with stresses.
But what about those who don't achieve "ignorance is bliss?" Perhaps adding to these 5 steps would be "appreciation." The world is bigger than oneself. If you take up some of life's stresses, maybe you somehow lift others of their miseries. If you can put yourself in another person's shoes, maybe your misfortunes are just another day for others.
To be clear, if one has only limited capacity to care, self-care is important. A drowning man won't be of help! However, self-care can only limit oneself to the smaller vehicle of peace. If you are ready to drive a bigger vehicle, holidays are a great time to start universal goodwill. If one has the capacity, of course!
10
I think the notion that ignorance is bliss is not part of self care. Bliss is found in the acceptance of reality. In fact, it’s the opposite of ignorance in many ways. Ignorance is a denial of reality whereas accepting it requires eyes wide open and the understanding of our relevance and our place in the grand scheme of things.
11
A positive and thoughtful reminder of the need we all have to care for ourselves. Given the current state of the world it is too easy to get overwhelmed with frustrations and negativity. This article provided a welcome respite from all the news that fills our screens and life.
Peace.
20
This is good advice, and something that should come automatically--but doesn't, for most of us. We get so inundated with messages from people who "need" something, whether at work or home, that it becomes first-nature to assume that's the priority. On the other side of the spectrum, there clearly are people who take the "self-care first" notion as a rationale for undisciplined self-indulgence. This article helps by giving examples of positive, healthy self-care that leaves you space to care for others.
6
We have so much access to information, much of it stressful. It takes self-discipline to tune out.
21
@R. Anderson Ever have the dream of going back to the pre-smartphone era? I know I do.
16
@D. Hall
I don't have a smartphone never have, It seems to offend some people. Hopefully I never will.
8
I don't understand why are we making holidays into a source of stress. The term originally meant "holy day," a day of rest and reflection intended to calm and relax us. Consumerism is making us ill. We don't have to buy useless, insanely expensive presents for everyone we know and rack up credit card debt doing it. We don't have to drive ourselves into exhaustion and ill-temper by trying to do the impossible. We are the ones doing this to ourselves at the behest of advertising, "Hallmark moments," corporations, and our own insecurities. We could all just stop and use the season to be kind to ourselves and others, which is both free and rewarding.
559
Conspicuous consumption and competition at Christmas was common long before the Victorian era. It does need to be addressed individually. When we make time for activities like these it affects everyone around us.
7
@Susan Dean
Our extended family agreed this year that we’ll forgo gifts next Christmas and just relax and enjoy the opportunity to get together. Looking forward to it.
7
@Susan Dean
We do indeed put ourselves through a great deal of unnecessary stress (not to mention economic distress) over what gifts to give our family, friends and co-workers and how to make our homes look suitably festive.
It's all nonsense of course but that doesn't mean that we don't feel as if we're being judged and failing rather miserably to measure up.
The blatant commercialism, which these days starts well before Halloween, doesn't help.
Thankyou for this beautiful and simple piece. Sometimes we need reminders.
41
Buddhism encourages many uncommon common-sense practices.
Why uncommon? Unlike most people in the world, Buddhists reject the idea of a Creator God. Examine reality and one will accept causality, karma & rebirth as a much more rational basis to understand the world. And understand oneself. Karma means one's own intentions, followed by speech & action, produce the cause and effect that directs the trajectory of one's life. Rebirth means "we'll be back". One must take responsibility for one's own choices & action. One must clean up one's own mess in thoughts, speech & action. Self-care & self-restraint are preventive measures. Most people in the world do not see life this way. Very uncommon.
Common sense behaviors are many. Examples include reduce distraction and even eliminate multi-tasking (another aspect of being mindful of the here & now). Exercise self-restraint in ethical thoughts, speech, action, (walk the talk). Do no harm to all living beings, that must includes oneself (self-care, healthy living). Be kind to other and also to ourselves.
If only more people can see the merit in these Buddhist viewpoints, the world will be a more peaceful place.
150
@Karen - So challenging to find the Path, let alone to walk it.
5
@Observer in my experience, belief in a Creator God does not conflict at all with the excellent advice in this article. For example, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” is a core Christian principle. Transformation and renewal for the self is a good thing, but it requires discipline. I find motivation in knowing that it is in service to a greater good that includes all humankind.
12
the advice is basically correct. but if everybody really cared for others ...why is there so much selfishness in the world?
6
@blue sky exactly the reason why we need self-care so much! Without self-care, it's difficult to truly and meaningfully care for others. Only when we know how to care for ourselves, will we be able to relate to others as having the same needs, and therefore using the experience and abilities to do so.
Isn't there a phrase that says something like "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
And, there is so much goodness in the world, too! :)
10
@blue sky According to the Buddha, all human beings born into the world carry with them a delusional view about the "self", often considered an eternal "soul". It varies from person to person.
The less spiritually advanced people are more delusional about the self, they are self-centered, burdened with a big ego, thin-skinned, preoccupied with self-interests, selfish, possessive, greedy, lusty, never satisfied, self-righteous, opinionated, crave attention, cruel, and are control freaks. Does this remind you of someone?
On the opposite end are those with very little delusion about the nature of the "self". They don't take themselves too seriously, they laugh at the absurdities of the world, they are kind, considerate, humble, quiet, generous, compassionate, rational, easy going and wise. We should hang out with people like them.
35
@blue sky In a given situation--whatever it is--never will there be 100%--impossible! People are not robots--they accept or not accept things in varying degrees.
1
Timely article with good advice. The key to implementing these techniques is to practice...practice...practice without judgment....judgment....judgment. Now take a deep breath and say ahhhhhhhh.
21
Thoughtful and helpful reminders. Thanks for publishing this article.
35
Such a timely piece! It's the simplest (and often the most important ones) that need reminding. Really a pity. No wonder so many of us ever increasingly need self care.
Here's hoping that everyone devotes the last days of this passing year to pause and care for oneself- even if that's the last thing one usually does.
35
Writing—journaling before bed, in particular—has helped me so much. Seeing my thoughts on the paper allow them to exist apart from me. I end my journaling sessions feeling lighter, both physically and emotionally.
Self-care has become a marketable buzzword that has lost its original meaning. Thank you for restoring its power. Taken individually or together, each of these acts can prove life-changing.
49
@Tasha Boyer I, too, write--morning pages every day! Three pages in a wide-ruled composition book every day (after setting a pot of decaf going and feeding the cat). I has helped me immeasurably! Over 1000 days in a row so far~
I agree that expressing words and thoughts on paper is therapeutic and like you, this practice (I call it my Morning Writing Practice) leaves me feeling calmer and less anxious.
37
@WhoZher Writing is the best therapy - at least it has been for me. I used to write - novels, personal essays and observations - some published most not. When I could not find an agent or publisher I shoved my manuscripts aside - forgetting my need to write was not and never was predicated on validation by others. I have since pulled a 20 year manuscript out of exile - updated and improved, completed a first draft of a personal memoir, and now 1/4 way through another novel. Writing saved me - once I accepted the fact that I NEED to write if for nothing else, to organize/accept reality and the things I can and cannot change. Strong women are often undone by the "need" to right all the wrongs done to those people and ideas they love. Sometimes success is as simple as not being a part of the system perpetuating the "wrongs."
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These recommendations remind me of P.T. Barnum's cynical reminder about the gullibility of the American people. They range from common sense (reminding people to breathe!), to reactionary. Acceptance of negative emotions may be totally inappropriate, depending upon what they are and how they may affect actions. It also presupposes affluence. Walking may not clear your mind if you are rushing to an unpleasant or difficult job. It's difficult for me to understand how this piece merits inclusion in the Times health section.
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Please reread the article. There is a big difference between being reminded to breathe and being instructed to focus on your breath.
Also, PT Barnum never encouraged the public to access their internal resources.
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@Emily
It seems to me the key notion that we need to take care of ourselves should be uncontroversial. The devil is in the details. Some might need instead to stop limiting themselves to 'what's in it for me'.
This tradition appears to hold the individual's relationship to justice to be different than what might seem the case for most Americans; many embrace 'fighting for justice'. A battle that appears never to end. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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@Emily
Dear Emily, science tells us we have involuntary breathing, and mindfulness tells us we have voluntary breathing. The latter is done with awareness.
Acceptance may be acknowledging that this is the way it is right now. That doesn’t mean we approve of it. If it’s immoral or hurtful, then we can - and probably should - address it as one of those things on our list. But address the problem with awareness and action, not as immediate reaction.
Affluence? Rich people and poor people can be mindful ... or not. True, rich may solve financial problems more easily, but both have access to other “tools” (awareness, meditation, kindness, patience, humility, controlled breathing, humor, exercise...). Not all problems are solved with money.
Yes, rush to work if you need to, so walk during lunch or after dinner. At least, go outside. (The Times has published many articles on the science of being outside.)
Breathe, Emily. And see how many others find this article helpful. That could be an experience in awareness and acceptance.
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Thank You for this article it is explained where a country bumpkin can understand and also some of what you said in the article my best friend has been trying to tell me. "Be good to yourself first- then to others." I'm 67 years old and finally your article has sunk in and I look at all the valuable time I've given to others in stead of being good to me first. Wow...this hit be really hard today!
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@Gloria glad it did hit. It is a tough one, I, too, know that.
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It's about keeping things simple. Remember when you were a kid and didn't have all the distractions that growing up can bring? Yeah...that's it.
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@Kevin OMG that is exactly what I have been doing!
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Just as we are directed on an airplane, put on your own O2 mask before helping others. Great article!
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@Judy Freedman - Great example! Reading through the comments shows that many of us may fear becoming too selfish; your example provides a distinct other perspective.
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For those finding it difficult to prioritize self-care:
Setting a good example will help others.
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I imagine finding someone with whom to talk who isn't judgmental, could be one of the more difficult of the five steps. It's certainly makes for a challenging relationship when one's partner is unable to listen without judging.
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Personal experience: partners often can too often become the most judgmental of one another. Old baggage gets in the way, and we do, I think, tend to forget to be as courteous and patient with those with whom we are most intimate as we are with friends. And in a pinch, counselors and therapists can be the listeners.
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@Peter
I suggest giving it time. Your partner might come around, especially if you are calm.
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@cheryl Thank you, Cheryl. I hadn't thought of it that way.
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This is great advice. I think so much of the animosity people feel towards each other is because they have such a hard time liking and accepting themselves. No one who is happy with themselves spends hours arguing with people online.
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Terrific article and really it's common sense right.. if we don't take care of ourselves and be well how can we take care of others. A wonderful reminder for this time of year.
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I loved this article and all the Self healing suggestions.. will breathe and walk more mindfully.. Being kind to yourself makes it easier to be kind to others..
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Thank you this was much needed for me, especially being so caught up with holiday stress, academic stress and work stress. Just taking a pauses to do several of things makes a drastic difference.
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Always a wonderful reminder. Thank you for the article.
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Wonderful article. Thank you for reminding us that self care isn't selfish and that we do have to practice self care everyday, by eating well, exercising, and meditating. Take a break from the busy world. Just be still for some minutes everyday.
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