Life is too short at any age to put up with a troubled roommate.
A college student is in college to study and learn, not be to be a caregiver or mental health provider or tutor for a roommate with problems that should be dealt with by the roommate’s family, medical provider and college authorities.
College is difficult (and expensive) enough as it is; do not feel guilty about pushing back against or seeking to get out of a situation with unsought and unwarranted obligations.
Colleges have, or should have, staff who are trained for and capable of dealing with these situations; college students almost always are not.
3
I read many years ago that all problems we have are due to behaviors. I wish I had kept that article. I agree with this statement.
I was a foreign student and I lived with roommates in college in the dorm. Those were the best two years of my life and I made friends that I still have - 40 years later. Later I moved to an apartment and shared with a good friend. Nice life there as well.
My first thanksgiving was spent in Bartlesville OK at a friends house. What a wonderful experience. Second one was spent very nicely with another family.
The problem these days is that we have way too many undisciplined kids. Just too many. The parents are too busy trying to make a living that not enough time is given to the raising of the children.
I have a teenage daughter and I tell you, it is a challenge trying to keep her in order. Yes, I use the word order because she has to have order in her disorganized life. I am picking up after her (less as time is marching on), making sure her school uniform is clean, she has clean socks, and many many other things. Just the other day I, finally, showed her how to make simple rice :)--of course mom does her part. And all of this disorder comes from where? The nonsense that is on Instagram, YouTube, and other internet content. We, as a society, very seriously need to control the lives of our kids so they grow up disciplined, else we will have a society of scatter brans, clicking away on the screens and then it is too late.
1
As several others mention, there are definitely benefits to “learning how to get along /interact/be supportive of others” . Meeting new people, learning and adjusting to the needs of others is a part of life and should certainly be a part of a young adult experience.
However! Requiring a young adult of 17-20 years of age endure various levels of stressful to abusive, psychotic living situations while paying upwards of $40,000 a year for their academic education— then the “experience” is just plain wrong. Implying that said young adult is also responsible as the first line of support for a troubled roommate is also too great a burden. The troubled student is also paying $40,000 a year— that should include interventions by trained professionals, not feats of endurance by a roommate.
College is an educational institution. It should be structured to support academic success for everyone. Trained supports and interventions for all students should be the norm— especially at current prices.
3
The leading photo is interesting. One side is impeccably clean and well-organized. The other is scattered and unkempt.
Which side belongs to the “troubled roommate”?
2
Both or neither
My daughter had a dorm mate make a suicidal gesture her freshman year. She blamed herself for not foresing it, I explained that she was not to blame, and it was OK if she wanted to go to the hospital to visit, She was so upset because the girls parents had not made a appearance by the next day. I told her that was part of the problem,
2
Years ago a friends daughter lived down the hall from a student who was pregnant and later, with the child’s father delivered and killed the baby. There had been suspicions but I always wondered why no one reached out to the girls parents.
1
@RetiredUSteacher You're still wondering, I presume.
It is beyond me that dorms are not offered on a "goals" basis. Those who want to study v the party people, and for the study group more single rooms.
In my experience looking for schools to help is useless and asking for a room change does not happen. Rules within the dorms are rarely enforced.
My freshman year had someone who never slept, walked the halls making noise all night, every night, and was in full psychotic break with parents who had disappeared without trace and stopped paying her tuition. She believed she was the alligator in Peter Pan. Yet the school didn't know what to do?
7
In undergraduate school, a guest instructor noticed something was up with me and asked me to his office to check in with me. This was art school and he expressed concern that I appeared depressed (I was, and passively suicidal) and encouraged me to use art making because of its therapeutic potential. He was the only person who noticed or tried to intervene. I denied any problems of course but did work harder in class and to mask my emotions. I ended up changing majors and my peer group and inadvertently found more social support which nudged me to better mental health somehow. A few years later, I returned to art school and did work through a lot in the studio and with some very insightful (and also older, more mature) classmates who directly asked me about some of the content of my work. A lot changed for me at that time.
7
Don’t discount the very real social media damage and trauma levied on this generation. We’ll be paying the costs of Marc Zuckerberg’s relentless march to world domination with our children’s mental health for generations.
6
I had a breakdown at the beginning of what would have been my junior year at college. The adults around me ignored obvious symptoms of distress, but my roommate eventually called student health services, got me over there (where they kept me safe) and called my parents to come to get me.
I spent the rest of the year at home, but recovered and got the help I needed to go back to college the next academic year. My roommate may have saved my life. I have two children, two grandchildren, and have taught hundreds of kids. Her actions still matter 40 years later.
Mentally ill roommate? Keep yourself safe if you feel unsafe, and notify adults until you find someone who will take action. Learning to help rather than abandon another person won't be the least important part of your college education. And, seek help yourself, because the help you try to give may not be effective. You don't always save a life, but you'll always know that you were the kind and gallant person who tried. 40 years later someone may still be grateful that you were there.
19
I am a professor at a university. One of the most shocking things to me when I first began teaching were the privacy laws preventing me from knowing about my students' mental health. I had students who missed class after class and I was not allowed to ask what was going on. I understand the parameters of medical privacy etc but it is truly problematic in college age students. Legally they are adults; psychologically and emotionally, not so much. If we, the faculty and staff, are not allowed to manage these situations then the burden falls on other students who are not equipped to deal with it. I don't know the answer but it is troubling.
29
This reminds me of our daughter's experience at college. She came from a large high school and lots of her HS classmates went to the same college she was going to attend. But, she wanted to break away from the 'old crowd' and chose to put her name in the random assignment pool for roommates.
She was paired with a very charming young lady who was bi-sexual and not shy about it. For our daughter it was an eye-opening experience to say the least.
Somehow she managed through it but the next year she chose to room with a group of her old high school friends. That wasn't perfect but for her it was less stressful and somewhat more predictable.
Everybody is still friends, even the first year's roommate. Not everything learned at college takes place in the classroom.
3
Here's a different take:
I commuted to college and my "roommate"--a parent because I lived at home--was mentally ill. If we'd had a gun in the house, my parent would have killed me during a psychotic episode.
I got through it with the help of a clergyman at school. Not all college problems happen in a dorm.
14
Sometimes parents aren't helping either. I once met a mother who sent her daughter off to college with a cat, pretending it was a service cat and her daughter had problems. I was appalled. I said her role as a parent was to foster independence not interdependence. I was not popular.
10
" clear boundaries and deep compassion can live side by side." That's a good point. But when you're fresh out of your parent's place, 18 or 19 years old, and you suddenly have to live check-by-jowl with another person you've never met who is clearly disturbed, all the while adjusting to the demands of academic college life, it's difficult. Too much to ask from anyone, really. But best of luck for anyone willing to give it a go.
10
A freshman is still a child, age 17 or 18. Not equipped to deal with another person’s health issues, mental or physical. My best friend had a roommate who left school after a few weeks. Another acquaintance “hated” her roommate and asked friend if she could move in with her. That “yes” was an unfortunate decision. She began talking to herself and when friend finally asked her to stop, went into a tizzy. That night friend awoke to the site of roomate standing over her bed with a pair of scissors pointed at her face. Friend calmly left for the night. Next day, we told the RA, who did nothing. Friend then called roomate’s parents who yelled at friend. Roomate’s agitation grew. Three of us persuaded her to join us for an ice cream, after which we drove to the ER of the local hospital, where in 1974 they were willing to take our word for this behavior and were able to admit her. A 5150 led to parents being summoned to the hospital and roomate leaving the university. We never heard from her again. But oh, did we hear from her parents. Who blamed our group for their daughter’s breakdown, which we later learned was schizophrenia. How we got them to stop the harassment is the one detail none of us can recall.
We happened to be a very bonded group of smart girls, who handled the situation with poise and maturity. I’d never wish this on another young person; thus I found this column way off base.
19
Change the troubled roommate out immediately.
9
It’s not that easy.
Our society does little to prevent mental illness, and much to cause it (stress, neglect, racism, misogyny, etc.). How many college freshman arrive at school with undiagnosed or poorly treated illness? Add to that those who develop depression, etc. while they're there, and you have a burden that most of our institutions are in no way prepared to address.
It can be very hard to find competent help even when you can afford it, and every episode of depression is dangerous and makes it more likely there will be another. Depression is not normal, it's not a rite of passage. It's dangerous and it can be devastating to ignore or downplay mental health.
Prevention is the gold standard. If you're planning a family now, please make sure you are as healthy as you can be in every way before taking on that responsibility. Don't marry an abuser or an addict/alcoholic. Don't marry someone with anger issues or someone who hates their parents. Treat mental health and addiction seriously.
8
When did colleges become mental health wards? I’ve been teaching on the college level for about 35 years; sure we always had a few fragile personalities, but this is way out of hand. Sure, I’ll refer a student to the school’s health services if they seem troubled, but it now seems that each class has about a third who have issues....don’t get me started on the letters of accommodation. It is really out of control.
20
Maybe instead of casting around for whom to be annoyed with we simply have to accept there’s an epidemic of poor mental health.
I also teach college and I had mental health issues starting early in life. What would you have proposed I do? Not received an education at all? I was discouraged from pursuing a PhD by those ever-helpful mental health providers but I ignored this and received my degree and tenure by concealing my problem,—a problem I am not at fault for in spite of the overwhelming shame I feel.
A person with mental illness is still a person —we have goals, potential and can make a contribution just as others do.
I saw many of my fellow grad students develop mental health problems— a few were very gifted people who are leaders in my field. They luckily did find some support as academic stars from wealthy families. Sadly, others sank beneath the waves.
I would prefer things be a bit less fraught for students now so that everyone has a fairer chance at success. It’s not that hard to accommodate most students but it becomes harder if we set up an adversarial relationship with them.
While the biggest problem is the inadequacy of treatment and the mental-health destroying environment a little flexibility can make or break someone’s life or even save their life.
14
@B It would be helpful if you would elaborate on what the heck you are talking about. What is out of hand? What accommodations? Are you aware that one reason there is such an increase in mental health issues is that society is more aware of them now. They have always existed, but not always addressed properly. You need to get out of "about" 1986 and become familiar with what is going on in 2021!
2
The article's cited statistics admits that: "National College Health Association survey data collected in the spring of this year found that within the previous 12 months, nearly a quarter of college students had been diagnosed with or treated for anxiety." So if one in four students have mental health issues of some degree of severity, why do both the author and the comments on this article persist in talking about the "mentally ill" roommate as some kind of anomaly (however increasingly common) who needs to be dealt with on the part of the hapless. healthy roommate. Fact is that students are very cognizant of the widespread nature of mental health issues these days and much more prepared to deal with it on a day to day basis. Biipolarity or major depression is clearly of a different order than social anxiety, etc but the author makes no distinction between these clearly very different orders of illness.
10
Although it was 1973, I will never forget waiting for my flight home at Christmas with a fellow freshman. Her aunt met us at the airport to fly home with her and treated me to a meal. I didn’t know my classmate well but I recall being struck by her reluctance to chat. When we returned in January, she was gone, she committed suicide over break. The girls in her dorm organized a memorial and planted a tree in her memory. Such a waste of a very intelligent young life.
11
@Stefanie "B - Metro Area" should read this!
No one should be forced to room with a mentally ill person.
As anyone who has grown up with a family member, or lived with a partner, with mental issues-- it is exhausting, heavy, one-sided and sometimes scary.
We had a young man in our dorm who was paranoid and later found out to be schizophrenic. His roommate lasted two weeks before he fled. He tried to get into my room constantly, as he imagined I was his girlfriend....I was not. We all trued to be nice about his actions, and understanding...eventually he moved out due to a total breakdown.
But laying that sort of weight on ANYONE who is paying for and studying hard for a college degree is being done a huge disservice. That is not fair.
It is to the fault of the sick person, but it is NOT the job of a roommate to deal with the medical mental wellness of another. while they must live in the same room and working towards their future
65
What a burden to you the consumer.
That person paid to attend as well.
People have mental breakdowns in all sorts of situations, and you will probably be inconvenienced.
@Cc "That person" should be informed whether their college provides campus services to help those with issues, and encouraged to avail themselves. As has been stated, the student roommate should not have to deal with someone who requires professional help. And when it is not clear whether professional help is needed, one should err on the side of caution and separate from the troubled individual.
9
@Cc the described behavior sounds frightening, and more than inconvenient.
2
It is not the job of a roommate to help take care of someone with mental issues. Going away to college is stressful for most students without having to tread lightly with a mentally disturbed roommate. Perhaps some of those with schizophrenia who didn't go to college in the "olden" days, still don't belong there if they are not well maintained on their meds. Students who avoid their own rooms because they have to deal with their roommates' issues should be able to move. There should be more private rooms available so students don't have to be stressed by living with others who can't handle college. Students are already paying much too much for college and dorms without having to supply free mental health care to strangers.
57
Interesting. I went to a CA public university in the 1980’s. My first year in the dorms one of the young men on my coed floor slowly disintegrated, stopped bathing, began acting strangely, removed all furniture and bedding from his side of his shared room, left food to spoil in shared area yet continued to eat it and offer it to others, left strange notes all over, went into people’s room without their consent etc. We had no idea what was going on. Turned out he was schizophrenic and the university and his family were hoping that living with other young people would encourage him to take his medicine and go to class (iit didn’t). His roommate complained the entire year and was pretty angry to find out at the end that he was an unwilling part of an experiment to assist a mentally ill student. He tried to sue etc. and it went nowhere.
44
I'm not sure if and how universities match up roommates these days. I went to a large public university and had a roommate who became a friend for many years. My roommate share a lot of similarities with me and where we were different, we made concessions for each other. We also both chose to stay on the dorms floors designated for more serious students, e.g. the "nerd" floor. While that is not a solution for all or most students, it worked out relatively well for me and my dorm mates. We were the cleanest quietest co-ed 2 floors in the building.
5
Two of our three children attended universities that gave all freshmen single rooms. As sophomores and beyond they had roommates, people who they knew, and had chosen. I have wondered why more universities don’t do this. Adjusting to college is hard enough, without having to live in a small room with a stranger.
64
@D. I believe one of the purposes of attending college away from home on campus is to meet new people, and having assigned roommates is one way to do that. And most colleges have a process to change roommates or rooms. This is part of growing up, becoming an adult and learning to handle situations.
4
In 1968 my very bright and very beautiful sister, Ruth, suddenly found herself with a coarse, crude, smelly, 250 lb. unpleasant roommate who didn't belong on a college campus. My sister was in her first semester at Temple University in Philadelphia and had no idea how she was paired with this greatly disturbed young woman. Foul language poured from her mouth and lack of personal health and hygiene was stunning. Ruth was a gifted student, petite, very very beautiful, intelligent, refined and seeking only a college education. After two weeks with her roommate she asked the college for a change of roommates or to please move her to another dorm. Temple said there was nothing they could do. Finally after a terribly abusive outburst by the roommate Ruth called home and in tears pleaded with our parents to help her get relief. Ruth was literally afraid to return to her dorm room. Ruth had never asked mom or dad for anything, ever. So, mom and dad took a ride to Philly. They met the roommate who immediately exhibited her worst behavior and foulest mouth. Our dad immediately asked to meet with the dorm proctor and the dean of women. At first there was resistance but dad insisted. He then laid it on the line to the dean. Either remove the roommate or move my daughter. The roommate was read the riot act and by Christmas she was off campus. Ruth went on to Harvard University and American. She was a senior computer specialist and department head for the Navy for 40 years.
27
@Jack Frost I'm very sorry for the experience your sister had, but I wonder what the point of contrasting the 250 lb roommate with your beautiful and petite sister really is. Surely had the overweight roommate been a kind and caring person, or even a neutrally non-abusive one, your bright and refined sister would not have been put off by her appearance?
Growing up I was taught that it's what inside that counts, and I think we'd all do well to keep those lessons in mind when airing grievances publicly.
53
@ Liz C isn’t it possible she was in physical fear of her roommate. In that situation size does matter.
25
@Doug
Thank you Doug! Apparently all the so-called "woke" believe my sister was just put off by her size. I contrasted their differences to make clear what a terrible bully and unclean person the roommate truly was. Ruth was in fact terrified and terrorized by her roommate. She was bullied every time the roommate walked into the room. It was a real nightmare. Yes, size does matter. So does cleanliness, using kind words, not swearing and sneering and being considerate enough to take a bath and brush your teeth too. The roommate was a beast. A big, scary beast! Ruth was just a teenage girl from central PA who wanted to go to college and not live in fear. The roommate was, in the view of others, not just me, severely mentally ill and a bully. Ruth went through college with all kinds of friends. The Navy sent Ruth to graduate school. She also worked at the Goddard Space Center in DC and the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp as well as Navy Ship-parts Control in Mechanicsburg PA. She was talented in advanced mathematics and computer programming. The Navy recruited her because of her expertise in IBM computers. The base commander, an admiral appointed her to several high level positions. Ruth is now retired, living in AZ and is a mother of two adult children and grandmother to two others. She was 71 on September 20th. Still bright and beautiful too. She is a wonderful sister who we all love. No one should ever have to suffer an intolerable, crude bullying roommate.
15
You are probably paying five figures a year to attend. If you get a bad roommate it's not like putting up with a loud person on a plane for four hours, it can cause major problems in your entire college experience. Freshman year should be a chance to meet friends for life and adapt to living on your own, not being forced to contend with someone stealing from you, blasting music/games 24/7 as they never attend class, or being a serious danger.
If a situation is untenable get the heck out of there and get switched to another room, pay a few thousand if it resolves the situation. The school isn't paying you to be a social worker. At my college from roommate roulette I was stuck with a rotating cast of heavy drinkers/oddball roommates freshman year, then sophomore year was able to live with friends and boom hey college is fun now.
39
My University assigned me a roommate who slept with a Luger under his pillow and gave me pamphlets like "Bolshevism From Moses to Lenin".
Another lunatic roomey used to talk in his sleep about how much he hated me. The University dormitory was a hotel that was haunted by a child who had fallen down an elevator shaft. In my Junior year, I was attacked by another ex roommate who wanted me to give him a girls phone number. I suffered traumatic brain injury and was disabled for life.
6
@Michael McBrearty I am so sorry to hear of your terrible experience and the result. I hope you have found happiness somehow through all of this. And I hope you successfully sued the university and anyone else who wronged you so deeply.
Let's also remember that not every problematic roommate has mental health issues. Recreational substance abuse has perplexingly become an expected part of campus life. Fraternities are often the epicenters of such culture; their presence on a campus significantly raises the risk of students making disastrous choices, and drastically increases the risk of sexual assault for affiliated students. If students do have pre-existing mental health conditions, such a toxic culture hits them all the harder. Colleges and universities are responsible, and they should fix this--not leave it up to students. Substance-free dorms and banning fraternities would be an excellent first step.
23
This article means well but is ultimately misguided. As a recent graduate, I can say that the biggest problems here are institutional failures, whether on the part of the university or specific pieces of legislation.
I was in the class of 2020 at a college where we had a multitude of resources, a brand new health center, and yet it took several months for students to get off the wait list to see a counselor. The Times itself published an article a few years ago about suicide on college campuses which featured my school and in it documented the many times that friends and professors attempted to get help for troubled students and faced issues doing so, in part because privacy laws do not allow for colleges to contact parents, since the students are adults. However, the largest obstacle was a lack of resources for students; had they had adequate access to mental healthcare, some of my friends would still be alive.
Surely a roommate is not the best person to give mental healthcare, nor should they shoulder the burden of handling a friend or acquaintance's crisis on their own. However, there is a lot of ableism and a lack of empathy in many comments here. The solution is not that students should go to school close to home (often, "home" is what led to these issues in the first place), or that they should be forced into taking a leave of absence. Rather, students must be given resources to cope and should be supported by their community to the best of everyone's ability.
48
*Sigh*
We were the parents of the troubled kid. My bonus kid's roommate was gone before Thanksgiving and they did not place another student in his room. It's mortifying when you think about it.
7
When my daughter was a freshman at UNC Chapel Hill, she was assigned a roommate on third floor of a dorm. A month later she was depressed (not normally moody). Her roommate was a lesbian who had her female lover spend every weekend in the dorm room, and expected my daughter to find somewhere else to stay Friday and Saturday nights. She also mocked my daughter for dating a male. My daughter said, "Mom, I feel like jumping over the railing and killing myself." I called university president Bill Friday and requested that my daughter immediately be assigned to another dorm. He immediately ordered the change.
40
I take exception with the accompanying photo. Are we to infer that those who have laundry, unmade beds and lack swags are a potential danger to themselves and others??
20
@Demosthenes I interpreted the obsessively neat side of the room as belonging to the “troubled roommate.”
4
@Demosthenes Seriously? I was trying to figure out which side of the room was supposed to indicate pathology- the slob or the freakishly neat?
2
@Demosthenes I did not make that inference about neatness v. sloppiness at all. I thought the photo well represented a psychological generality. In my college freshman year a long time ago, I had a roommate whose sloppiness was more extreme than shown in the photo and involved issues of health and sanitation. My defensive response was to keep my side of the room more obsessively clean and neat than I would ever have done on my own or have ever done since. In that case, I did speak up and was in a new roommate situation by November. My first roommate did not stay at the college long.
1
They say quality State schools in the American Association of Universities take in students of much lesser ability who cannot do college work.
People forget that serious college life is more than paying the considerable high tuition. You have to do the work (even in an age of grade inflation).
I went to a fine high school. I was a good student. I found the pre-professional courses at a University to be very difficult and stressful. Those who recall those years as salad days were eating at a different cafeteria.
I'm sympathetic to students given to depression and other problems. There should be plenty of support for them. They also need parents and high school mentors who prepare them for serious study before they get there.
15
I’m in college and a friend of mine called to ask me to drive his roommate to the ER because she has said that she needed to be hospitalized for psychiatric reasons. I was writing an essay but it seemed urgent so I agreed.
She was discharged that same day without having been admitted to a ward because they were out of beds and asked if she wanted to be transferred somewhere else where beds were available or go home and she said she’d go home.
The next week, I get the same call from a different friend asking me to take the same girl to the ER because she wanted to be hospitalized. But I was visiting my grandparents and not near campus so I said I couldn’t do it and they ought to call an Uber or walk or tell campus security about it.
Later that day, I’m told that actually she ended up being fine and didn’t go to the hospital.
I’m sure I’ll get another call later in the semester too because it seems obvious that nothing is going to change unless she gets more support and treatment.
22
@L please try and get in touch with that girl’s parents, or alert admin to do so. She is obviously in need of help.
2
A young person with serious mental health issues should go to college close to home and either live at home or nearby. Parents should not insist that their child leave home and live in a dorm -- a change of scenery is no substitute for treatment. The roommate is simply not equipped to help your child or recognize danger signs. There are many paths to success, and many of them do not involve dorm living.
66
Any advice that advocates students to talk with the university police about safety concerns will not be accepted by many students. Their anti police beliefs will not allow them to approach public safety officers for help.
The universities that called in 2020 for abolishing campus police are now asking for more campus police, due to violent and erratic behavior, on and off campus, by students and by surrounding communities. Encourage your children to practice safe and defensive practices and attitudes to keep them safe at university.
3
The best thing parents can do on move-in day is exchange numbers. Don't expect the school, RA or roommate to call you if something is really wrong or off with your kid.
My parents got a call from his roommate's mom saying that her son thought my brother was not doing well. My parents immediately drove 5 hours to his college and found him in a very depressed state. They withdrew him and got him the help he needed. I'm not sure he would be here today if it wasn't for that mom calling.
97
@Sue: A great idea that I hope more parents enact. We did this with our daughter's second roommate, who was being treated (successfully) for depression. Exchanging numbers gave everybody peace of mind. She's doing very well, btw, and she and my daughter remain good friends and post-college roommates.
17
I'm not surprised at some of the stories of the problem roommates, though I never experienced that. What my University did right then and seems to still do now: large rooms with walk-in closets and suite arrangement of a shared bathroom with the next room, balconies, an active and quality counseling service. We even, in the late 70's had university owned apartments for the upper class students.Yet there were some problems of the time, the late 70's drug and alcohol use and stereo wars. I think they fellow students helped each other more than some Universities because it was small enough we knew just about everyone in our class and we had enough friends from out of class actives and groups.
My freshman year a friend called me from her dorm at 2 in the morning. I rushed there because she demanded me and we had the RA call the campus security and counseling service. She was on a fourth floor ledge and had taken some pills. I talked her off the ledge. We got her help. She finished University on time, and a happier person. She was an honor student. One of my best college friend's had a troubled roommate we took turns spending the night with because he would pass out drunk and we were afraid he would choke to death. His parents figured it out and took him home.
3
My own experience of having a bad roommate (disorganized, prone to freak-outs over assignments and exams in the middle of the night, later anorexic) was that for all that it was unpleasant at the time it was a character-building experience. I learned to distance myself, reached out to the resident advisors (faculty), and the girl's mother. And I learned to stand up for myself -- e.g. her mess had to stay on her side of the room, not blocking my access to doors, desk and bed -- but I would not be her mother, secretary, or cleaner. I had never lived with anyone like her and learned a lot from the experience -- things that prepared me for challenges of adulthood. College isn't all classroom -- if that is what you want today there are excellent all-online programs.
24
My son's freshman year roommate seemed like a normal kid when we met him. What we did not find out until the end of freshman year was that he was a heroin addict. He was a hockey player but washed out of that due to his addiction. Our son never told us anything until after the roommate flunked out of school and left. In spite of that, he liked the kid and I think it may have taught him many lessons and thankfully he never used heroin. But it was very unnerving.
32
One of my student's roommates approached me, worried about her excessive sleep and withdrawal. We were able to get her to the counseling center and the roommate called her parents (faculty are not allowed to) and she got counseling, graduated and is doing great.
Sometimes the roommate is the first responder for treatment.
25
My son was that bad roommate. He drank so much he was unbearable. We knew little to nothing of the situation as no one, RA, school counselor, roommates, parents of roommates whom we had met, friends. No one told us.
Until two beautiful young women reached out. We were in his city that day. The school, to their credit (and surely benefit to avoid liability) allowed him to withdraw 3 weeks into his 4th semester with a full refund. It took two years but he got sober, returned and graduated from his Ivy school in 6 semesters total and has gone on to achieve a level of happiness we didn’t think possible. All thanks to two friends who reached out.
Make the call people. Make the call
124
Ah, roommates. My eldest had a very difficult roommate during her first semester of college, and Thanksgiving did give her the necessary emotional distance to make a plan of action. In the end, she was able to arrange a switch with another floor resident. It took some time, but it was better for all involved. Parents, don't step in and take over, as we are wont to do. Help your children evaluate the options and coach them through making changes, if required, but let them handle the situation themselves.
30
This is an excellent article.
My daughter ran the gamut of difficult roommates in college and nursing school. She herself developed a drinking problem, I believe in part, because of the constant stress of having to deal with all the roommate crises.
She is now 7 years sober, a nurse manager. It has been a very long haul but as a health care worker she naturally wants to help others with their problems, but after being constantly drained of all her energy she learned to employ the "deep compassion with clear boundaries" method on the job and with friends.
Then came Covid... an overwhelming test to any nurse with compassion.
And now having to still deal with these deathly ill Covid patients who could have easily avoided their suffocating illness and death with a simple vaccination which has worked for hundreds of millions of people around the globe... well, it's just too much.
Like so many other nurses, she is quitting her job to regain some sense of mental and emotional balance in her life.
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Unfortunately, problem roommates have been around forever. My mother attended a large public university in the early '50s and lived in a campus sorority house with an alcoholic roommate, followed by one who had a compulsion to steal from everyone in the house. In the '70s, there was a wealthy girl living in my dorm who was seen eating from trash bins -- she said she didn't deserve anything better -- and had attempted suicide. I once drove another girl to the ER late one night after she started vomiting blood. A brilliant engineering student, she was an alcoholic (a bottle of vodka per day) who had developed a perforated stomach ulcer. As a young adult, these eye-opening experiences revealed the world was full of people suffering a wide array of issues, and our paths would continue to cross for the rest of my life. The dose of reality was sad but completely necessary. I offer help in any way I can.
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Perhaps it's time to normalize some king of gap year with therapy for people who are too mentally ill to manage college? This seems like a hazard for both the students and their unlucky roommates:
“Twenty to 30 years ago, a student who was bipolar or had a major depressive episode probably couldn’t go to college. Because of advances in treatment, they are now on campus.”
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@MagpiesAndCrows I would argue this latter is untrue. I spent a good deal of time in college 20 + years ago managing getting my bipolar friends/hallmates/sorority sisters in and out of crisis to treatment (yes, there were multiple), and this was at an elite college. I find it very hard to believe that I was some sort of outlier.
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Unless we went to the same college 30 years ago, you weren’t.
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Campus mental health centers and counselors, like mental health professionals everywhere, in too many places are overwhelmed, probably typically under resourced, now with the stress of the pandemic on so many.
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Several of the questions here contain the binary of "son or daughter" - why? It's not necessary, and not inclusive to non-gender binary people.
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@Jay I get it. Not sure what to replace it with. "Child" doesn't seem right.
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Young adult?
@Jay we use "adult child" for our nonbinary 20 yr old, and I know other families who use this term. Works for us.
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Two people in a small room is a recipe for disaster. Large rooms for four is the healthy way to go. Everyone has to problem solve together and work out solutions that best meet everyone's needs.
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@Ellen single rooms are paramount.
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@Demosthenes Amen. Private bathroom even better.
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Hi all - I'm a full-time staff member who works in residence life at a reputable 4-year institution. If you're a parent, please don't call the RA as your first university contact. While wonderful student staff members, they are students themselves. Instead, call your child's Resident Director (often a full-time, master's level professional) who is more trained and equipped to support the RAs in managing tricky situations (e.g., difficult living arrangements). They have the capacity to speak with parents and have more institutional knowledge which can aid in having a productive conversation about realistic next steps (e.g., taking into account resources available on campus, available bed spaces on campus). If you don't know who the Resident Director is for your child's res hall, then call the main number for the office of residence life, and they will either connect you to the Resident Director or the Resident Director's supervisor (typically an Assistant Director, who's been working full-time for at least 3-5 years), who can also assist. We want to work with you in these situations, and sometimes it is you, the parent, who first even make us aware that all is not well in your child's room.
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Back in the 60s, I had a variety of roommate experiences. One roomie in a triple became a good friend who was a bridesmaid in my wedding. Another roomie was a sorority sister. Senior year, had a single bedroom in an off-campus house with 3 other girls--all of which went our own ways.
Flash forward to the 80s. Daughter had a horrible experience freshman year, but became best friends with the girl next door, with whom she roomed the next 3 years. Son had horrible experiences with weird roommates his first 2 years and finally had wonderful roommates his last 2 years, all of whom are still good buddies of his today.
Certainly gets you ready to learn the lessons of compromise with a spouse someday. That's about the only good thing I can say about living with a difficult roommate.
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My freshman year roommate was anorexic. By the time it fully manifested (mid-second semester), she was restricting herself to 400 calories a day and getting up at 5 am to run 5 miles, regardless of the weather. I finally called her parents who immediately flew in and took her home to be treated. She was 5’4” and weighed 83 pounds. This was over 40 years ago and she still hates me. I don’t know how our resident assistants and the dorm mother didn’t see it or attempt to intervene. It was profoundly disturbing and heartbreakingly devastating.
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@Mary Good for you. You did the right thing. Never mind that she "hates" you. You probably saved her life.
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She might not realize you likely saved her life. Her hatred is probably more an expression of her feelings toward herself. You did the right thing. Thank you.
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@Mary
The anorexic girls in my dorm at Wellesley were absolutely HAUNTING. As you wrote, profoundly disturbing.
I remember one girl would eat bowls of honey as a meal. I still remember her sitting at my lunch table (at that time, each dorm had its own dinning hall) with a bowl of honey. She spooned up her hummingbird meal in an otherworldly trance.
Although I was only a kid, I was angry that the Wellesley powers that be were exposing me to such an ill person with no explanation or guidance. The poor girl definitely needed intervention, top priority, but I needed help too. At least some assurance that this obviously disturbed girl was being managed somehow.
She was not the only anorexic in our dorm. You could catch other girls throwing up in the bathrooms.
Also, a girl across the hall from me freshman year tried to kill herself.
She was gay and at odds with her rich, conservative parents. She was cutting her wrists.
I was friends with the suicidal girl's roommate. It was a nightmare for my friend.
Luckily, the suicidal girl survived this terrible time in her life.
She's now married to a woman and mother to a little boy.
But bottom line, Wellesley did not handle these multiple crises well in my opinion.
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A cousin's son complained that his roommate was weird and scary. The son was sheltered and his mother wanted him to learn to toughen things out so she told him to deal with it an maybe see a college counselor. Until his roommate was arrested for murder.
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@John Mack Well, that was terrifying.
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The bigger, more unPC and unpopular option really needs to be: moderate to severe mental illness means college should be delayed until managed.
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@moi While I do not disagree with your statement, I think it misses a large part of the problem. College life is incredibly disrupting to established high school routines, so this can induce the first episode of mental illness, or a well-managed mental illness can spiral out of control. There is also an age issue, as some things like schizophrenia typically present in the twenties. Colleges and universities do not want severe mental illness to be uncontrolled on campus, and students deemed a risk to themselves or others are placed on leave once identified. It's difficult to identify and address while respecting independence and privacy for all.
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You're assuming it's going to manifest at a fixed age regardless of circumstance. Doesn't work that way.
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During our daughter's first year at a small, well-regarded North Carolina university, she had a roommate who drank so much every weekend that she required constant babysitting by her peers to keep her safe. Even with that support, she was still taken to the ED several times, arrested at least once, and once went missing only to be located in the hotel room of an older male stranger.
Through it all, the RA on their hall did not intervene although she was well aware of the situation, and the university's counseling service, once engaged, was ineffective (two sessions during which the roommate "promised not to drink any more" and was released from obligatory counseling). To the best of my knowledge, the students' parents were never informed, in spite of my calling security from the ED where the student had been taken on one occasion, requesting that the parents be involved.
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Parents of college students should know that at least some colleges and universities seek to minimize their liability in these cases by minimizing their involvement and exposure, hiding behind "student confidentiality" laws, and encouraging concerned parents to stop being "helicopter parents."
It's ironic to see so many college officials quoted in this piece giving advice on how parents and students can navigate these situations, when the actual solutions are not mysterious (although they are expensive for the school); colleges should have better student health services, they should have better training for RAs and better lines of communication with the parents of troubled students. They should also have zero-tolerance policies for students who appear to have substance use issues which put them at risk.
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As the parent of a student who ended his life while in college, I wish his roommates and friends, who told me after the fact that they knew he was struggling, had told someone, anyone. An RA, a professor, a parent. Us. Having said that, my son did tell a school counselor, who thought he was “doing better” after three quick emergency appointments and told him to come back in a few weeks for another appointment. He continued to tell others of his plans and despair, and of course he was gone before the next appointment.
I cannot believe the counselor let him decide hospitalization would be “inconvenient”. Or how they let him leave the office without trying to have a telephone call with someone in his family.
I struggle to understand how no one sounded any alarms to our family.
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@GrievingMother Dear friend, I lost my brother in circumstances much like what you describe. My heart goes out to you.
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Oh dear, Grieving Mother— this was the letter that left me feeling broken-hearted. Please know that there are many, many of us who, even though we do not know you, want to convey to you our love, caring, and sincere condolences for your unbearable loss. I hope that even just your possible consideration of this message can bring you some degree of comfort.
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I didnt go away to college, mid 80's, went to a local fairly well-respected Business commuter college near enough to NYC. It attracted a fair amount of students from diverse cultural and economic backgrounds from almost all over the world. I hung out in the dorms a lot. Kinda lived there due to romantic interests, and the party scene. The security was lax in those days, so I could come and go even though I didnt officially room there.
From my well-adjusted, "normal" perspective there were at least a half dozen "troubled" students living on every floor, in every building, on or off campus, among all the students - frosh to seniors. And there was near zero help for those students, or their building and/or room mates. The RA's were near useless. Security was useless, even with basic first-aid. Were often extremely shady and engaged in either direct, or were being subsidized by, dorm life criminal activities. Administration was only interested in events that could threaten their tenures, or might spike the insurance costs.
The school counseling system was akin to putting several Barney Fife's in charge of Rikers. Well meaning for sure, dedicated too, but wholly understaffed, under-trained and overwhelmed.
Interesting and different times for sure. I often wonder what happened to several of the more troubled students I knew. Recall dozens more who disappeared after the holiday breaks, or at some point went down their own troubled rabbit-holes and were forced to leave.
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One of the biggest issues not mentioned here is sex taking over the dorm room. Someone who wants privacy wants to kick the other room mate out, sometimes persistently. Resolving that issue can be difficult. Finally, as a Father, paying ~$10,000 a year for that dorm room, I have expectations for what my child gets for that money. There is an implicit contract here that the university shall provide suitable living conditions for my child to live there while studying in the university. Just as in rental housing, rodents, insect infestations, non-functioning plumbing, heating, flooding air pollution and other defects that make the housing uninhabitable are the responsibility of the university to remedy promptly. Further issues of obstreperous or psychotic roommates that interfere with what the purpose of university housing is, which is to live and study there, must be remedied by the university.
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I had a roommate who locked me out of our room on several occasions when her boyfriend slept over with her. I was a nursing major who came home from working at the hospital and had to be up very early in the mornings for class and clinical, but had to sleep on the suite’s hard vinyl couch in the shared living room. Eventually she dropped out of school and moved out of the dorm into an apartment with him. The fact that someone could be so selfish and unconcerned about her roommate was eye-opening to me at such a young age.
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@John Mardinly The term we used in my college was being "sexiled" by one's roommate. I dreaded weekends when my freshman roommate's boyfriend would visit - it meant sleeping on a friend's floor or even going camping with the school's outing club. I had single dorm rooms or my own bedroom in a shared house after that year.
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I'm unclear why the article never mentioned RAs. Part of the issue is the nanny state of US colleges. At my kids' school in Canada the RA is not there to get kids in trouble but rather to ensure they are safe. It's an important distinction. Set up correctly, RAs can be a huge help to a student as they are there seeing first hand what is happening.
Finally, I do agree with the person studying in London. At my kids' school virtually all students have singles. That said, they all move off campus after their first year. The focus is on adulting and the kids really do step up.
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@LexDad
Though the author talks about resident assistants and not RAs, she clearly does discuss them.
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"Forced" triple rooms make all this much worse and are really, really bad for the mental health of even healthy kids - no room to even turn around it and get dressed! This is all the worse if the underlying architecture is dark, cramped, outdated, inadequately maintained, prison-like, and if all the public spaces of the dorm are without windows and have been removed or "shrunk" to built out more forced triples. Many dorms are far worse than public housing (and I have seen a lot of public housing).
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@LE Colleges are well aware of the dysfunctionality of three roommates. The research shows that one gets excluded and feels that way while the other two may become not only exclusionary but hostile to the left out one. Yet they continue with triples.
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@LE - I lived in a triple room my freshman year. My one roommate and I had the bunk bed, our other roommate had the single bed. I had my own closet; the other two shared one. Their dressers were in the room, mine was out in the common area of our suite. My one roommate and I had desks; the other roommate declined one. Had she accepted, it would have been set up in the suite’ s common area along with my dresser.
It wasn’t terrible, I think because we all got along reasonably well, so that probably helped. Also, none of us were weird, off the wall, heavy drinkers/drug users, profound slobs, or had psychological problems, nor was one of us always hooking up with someone in the room. I was single at the time, as was one of my roommates. The other had a serious long-term boyfriend, but he was older and enrolled in an intense graduate program in Boston and rarely made a visit, so when he did it was easy for us other roommates to graciously surrender the room for the weekend.
But was it easy? No. The space was really small. We had no privacy. I used to get dressed in a corner space between my closet and desk, just so I could have some privacy. Also, this was before everyone had a cellphone, and there was one common phone in the room and my one roommate was always on it. And yes, living in that close space day in and day out, we did annoy each other. But I was lucky. Had either girl been rude, addicted, or disturbed, it wouldn’t have worked.
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Graduated from nursing school over 40 years ago- less students than expected turned down admission and it was necessary to turn many of the double rooms into triples. At the end of the year administrators said they would never do it again because the failure rate for the students in a triple was so much higher.
Fast forward 30 years- take my youngest daughter to college and they actually boast about how wonderful the “camaraderie “ is in a tripled double room. After a semester of being the third man out with 2 “mean” girl roommates, and calling me crying, standing outside in frigid New England weather because she was afraid to go back to her room, we finally got her room switched. Interestingly, the new roommate had some mental health issues, and was as different from my daughter as anyone could be, yet they respected each other and had no problems for the rest of the year. Mental health is not always the problem, sometimes it is just personality, and tripling rooms just magnifies any problems.
1
I am concerned with the suggestion to call the police on somebody experiencing a mental health crisis. We have all seen the horror stories on the news. Especially if the ill person is a student of color, a police call could be putting someone in harm’s way.
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@Leanna indeed. Do absolutely anything you can to avoid calling the police. It’s senseless to involve armed officers in anything short of situations that pose *serious* bodily harm to others, which are exceedingly rare. If someone is merely suicidal, utilize alternative resources like peer counseling services, suicide hotlines, 988 numbers, student health, or a trusted adult to transport the individual to inpatient care.
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@Leanna indeed. Do absolutely anything you can to avoid calling the police. It’s senseless to involve armed officers in anything short of situations that pose *serious* bodily harm to others, which are exceedingly rare. If someone is merely suicidal, utilize alternative resources like peer counseling services, suicide hotlines, 988 numbers, student health, or a trusted adult to transport the individual to inpatient care.
1
@SE ‘Merely suicidal’? I’m sure you didn’t mean that. People who are close to suicide are actually happy right before it because they have made up their minds. It takes someone with a history with that person to know. In our town, the police arrive asap and they just sit with the family and assess the situation - if they are allowed in the home - while waiting for professionals who they coordinated who can bring the distressed to a hospital arrive. And the mental health professionals arrive in a team of two. That can take upwards of an hour. Once the mental health professionals arrive the cops privately discuss their assessment with them - if there is no chance of physicality or if the distressed’s case has been overstated, the cops and the mental health team leave but the therapists follow up. The very last thing I would want to do if I had a suicidal kid or sibling is to call a stranger on some hotline.
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My son initially roomed with someone who got a kitten off Craig's list and said it was his "emotional support cat." My son moved the first chance he got and seems to have lucked out with his new roommate. Whew!
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@Mae - While I’m glad things worked out for your son, I wonder what happened to the cat? Nothing good, I imagine.
2
@Mae I don't get why the roommate's action was so objectionable that you go, "Whew!" He might have asked your son before he did it, yes, but you make it sound like the roommate was a loser just because he got a kitten.
3
I never had a positive experience from sharing a room. Only neutral or negative experiences. Looking back, it was absurd the amount that my university was charging for a shared, extremely outdated dorm room. My parents were very adamant about it too because it’s just part of “the American college experience”.
Roommates can add an unnecessary amount of stress and burden for the student. It’s an added responsibility having to be mindful of one another’s presence. I’m sure I was equally exhausting to my roommates, having to navigate each other’s sleep patterns, study habits, and cleanliness expectations. But it was nobody’s fault here just because the university found ways to overcharge its students.
I lived in a shared triple room one year and watched my two roommates enable each other’s depression. The lights were never on. They slept all day. Took meals up to the room, rather than socialising with everyone downstairs.
I know plenty of people who love roommates. They love the companionship. I love socialising, but I still need privacy. I need a space to mentally focus. It seems wrong that the American student isn’t guaranteed this.
I’m pursuing a graduate degree in a different country now and I was not surprised to hear that sharing dorm rooms is extremely uncommon everywhere else. The cost of the American education goes beyond books and classes.
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@Anonymous
So in agreement with your points. Having engaged in three different types of living arrangements in college, the best by far was co-renting a house senior year, with my own bedroom. Second best situation was a three room living space in a college dorm, - each of us had our own bedroom and a shared common space middle room. Worst was a shared one room dorm space. My poor sophomore year roommate had to put up with my months long coughing fits from chronic bronchitis. She often had to sleep elsewhere. Sorry Mary.
15
This is happening to a niece and my heart breaks for her. My daughter, however, lucked out her first year. I never stayed in a dorm and honestly cannot imagine living so close with a stranger.
13
Although this article makes many good points, I think it misses the most fundamental point. The comments about room change lists, parental involvement, RAs, etc., while helpful, obscure what should be the fundamental fact, namely, that a residential college student deserves a good living situation, as a platform for learning, which is still the main purpose of college. Who is being served here? I totally agree that there is more to college than learning, but to shift the burden to the student on the theory that this will be a growth experience for them, just ends up being a way for colleges to avoid taking on what should be their responsibility. Thus, I think the colleges should have a much more student centered system for dealing with these situations, that reinforces that the student who is there to learn is the focus.
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@MIR I agree. As the Mom of a college freshman who won't go to his dorm most nights until the wee hours because he hates it so much, I think parental intervention shouldn't be so hard. He has done all the appropriate things: talked the to RA, had mediation with his roommate and requested a room change. He is a good kid and a great student and I know this is taking a toll on him. And just because I am sure everyone will wonder what is so bad: very first day his roommate got in his desk to "borrow" something, roommate and mom moved the TV we brought into the closet the Mom objected to a TV in the room, TOTAL SLOB, our son has sent pics of the roommate passed out ON THE FLOOR with a puke-filled trashcan beside him, etc. Why should my kid have to suffer and take solace in a student activity office (he is a member of)? I know his grades have suffered because of it, and while we are still talking about Bs instead of As, it doesn't matter. Universities should have some plan in place for these situations...a plan doesn't take months and months...
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@MIR I agree completely with your points. Further, there is a serious lack of mental health resources at my local University.
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/student-suicides-mental-health-support-1.5363242
22
@MIR Completely agree. During our daughter's college years, we were struck by the fact that the resources supposedly "available" to the students were in fact almost impossible for your typical 18-20 year old to access. And when parents (who are footing the several hundred thousand dollar bill for the experience) try to intervene, they are frequently fobbed off with lectures about "helicopter parents" and allowing young people to manage things independently.
I personally would have been more than delighted to not have had to engage in dealing with my daughter's university but it frequently appeared there were deliberate institutional barriers to her receiving even the basic services one would expect to be included in a $250,000 college experience (class registration, student health, etc.).
25
Wonderful article. My first exposure to the term "bipolar" was in my 2nd year of college living with a roommate who started out as a dear, sweet, funny new friend and by midway through the second year morphed into someone who was clearly unhappy and taking the brunt of those emotions out on me through blame, accusations, rebuff, etc. I was baffled, heartbroken and blaming myself much of the time, looking for an answer couldn't seem to find.
I didn't know she was bipolar until she told me she was following a big weekend argument. At the time, i wasn't even sure what the term "bipolar" meant. I felt if she'd let me know about it from the beginning, it would have helped me understand her a lot better and helped us avoid a lot of pitfalls as friends.
Unfortunately, our friendship couldn't withstand the stresses of that second year. It was a huge loss, because the early stage of the friendship was so fun, we connected so perfectly, suffered through studies together, shared the same quirky interests, shared a drug and alcohol free stance, and had so much in common. You don't get the chance to meet a friend like that very often.
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@Sarah I'm sorry for your loss of a friend. Unfortunately bipolar disorder is one of several mental illnesses that often becomes apparent in the late teens and twenties, and if inadequately treated it can tear apart friendships, relationships, and marriages. Bipolar disorder has a strong genetic component. Denial is sometimes part of the disease, and it often takes years for the person to develop insight into their own condition. It's possible that your roommate had not known for long, or if she'd been told, had not really accepted the diagnosis. It is quite possible that her confession to you after an argument was also a step in acknowledging to herself that she had a mood disorder and was not fully in control of her own behavior. If she was using the diagnosis to excuse bad behavior - sadly that can be part of the disease. I had a friend and roommate in graduate school who also suffered from this disorder, not diagnosed until her mid-twenties. Fortunately there are treatments (usually longterm medication plus ongoing therapy). This is one more thing that a young person in college or otherwise on his or her own may have to deal with - a friend who develops mental illness during the time they are together.
7
Thanks for raising this important subject. It’s important to note that students of color, international students, and students who may be struggling to get by on very limited finances are especially stressed as they navigate college life. These kids may feel especially isolated and in need of help and less inclined to ask for help.
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