If only we all shared this conviction there would be no want in the world.
32
Your father is right that life isn't always about wealth maximizing.
The other day I took a ride in Kigali, Rwanda. Due to a language mixup there was some confusion about what the negotiated price was (I take responsibility for being the dumb American). I thought he was quoting 5,000 francs (~$5). But then he pulled out his phone and typed 500 (~50¢). This was a fair price by local standards but the smallest denomination bill I had was 1000 francs. When I told him to keep the change, he lit up. When average household income is less than $2/day, a 50¢ windfall is worth a lot.
What bothers me is when I see tourists negotiate too hard over small amounts (and then often brag about how great of a negotiator they are). No one likes to be "taken advantage of", but the world is not about winner takes all bargains. At a certain point you have to recognize that you have economic leverage and are pitting economic hardship against your self-inflated ego. In those cases, just round up or tip.
40
A beautiful, sensitive tale for BEing,
during these difficult times,
which moves daily and willful
personal-unaccountability,
ever-present, beyond
necessary accountability to
inspiring unasked-for-gifting, and
caring, for another,
who is a stranger, in
whatever ways. Thank you.
Your father’s “accented” English
transmuted “car,” and its innards, to “caring” by an ING.
8
I love this. thank you.
22
Your father lived the total opposite of the ultimately miserable ‘leave no money on the table’ philosophy.
My bet is that he was happier than those who feel need to wring every last cent out of a deal, lest they seen by others (or themselves) as chumps.
Thank you for this lovely reminder.
18
I try to teach my children that the ultimate luxury, and treat for oneself, is having the means and ability to give.
Giving reinforces a (civilized) person's sense of power. Why do you think that the unemployed men of the rust belt are so demoralized and despairing? They can't supply their families needs, much less any extras!
While being a good provider is not the only way for a man to give to his family, it is the traditional way, so they are impotent, fearful and ashamed. Their wives now stand a better chance of being the breadwinner, which then changes the power dynamic in the family.
These people voted for Trump in desperation and because his bluster numbed their pain. They certainly haven't received any REAL help. Hopefully they see this and vote progressive Democratic. Warren.
4
Nice story, but it seems to me the money would have been better spent helping others among the Iranian immigrant community who weren't engineers, and who probably could have really used it.
I always have a smile in my face after reading your stories. Hope your dog doesn’t miss Munich.
6
A lovely friend of mine, now dead, once said:
"Never refuse your generous impulse."
34
Lovely essay, and I understand the writer's dad.
The first time I sold a car (long ago), Would-Be Buyers #1 apparently thought that the way to get me down on price was to denigrate the car. This-or-that wasn't quite up to their standards, and yet they wouldn't leave and wouldn't shut up either, despite my repeatedly saying, "Well, it sounds like it's not the car for you." I finally had quite enough of them, said "No!" for the final time and went back inside.
Would-be Buyers #2 were the opposite. They looked under the hood, and the young man said, "Oh, wow, it's a V-8" as though he had discovered a 2-carat diamond. The interior was terrific, and every aspect of the car was declared perfect.
I would not have sold to Would-Be Buyers #1 for any amount of money, whereas Would-Be Buyers #2 got a big discount off the stated price without even haggling with me. They were so very excited!
18
This is a very bright article to read in the morning in contrast with all Trump's dark news.
19
When I worked for the Navajo Nation, my boss, Roman Bitsuie, and I were trying to put together a land exchange with another tribe. Every ranch in that part of Arizona was for sale. One of the sellers we met with repeatedly was Mr. Bradley, the anglo front man for some very serious Latino investors.
Mr. Bradley had a great fund of stories, a lot of them having to do with buying and selling land and livestock. His advice was "no matter how well you do in a negotiation, always leave something on the table."
And never gloat afterward.
7
No, no, Firouzeh--when you have more than you need, you set up a phony foundation that you use as a personal piggybank. It saves you a lot on taxes. And (if you don't release any tax returns) you still get to be president of the United States.
6
What a moving story. It should be told again and again. Is there any chance that our vainglorious leader might be persuaded to read it?
2
It is a beautiful story, beautifully told.
18
Ms. Dumas,
Thank you indeed for sharing a value your father quietly instilled in you, and for reminding of my (late) father. A dynamic entrepreneur (in India) but a self-made man, earned literally in hundreds of thousands of dollars, may even be a couple of millions during his short life span of under seven decades, but always the one to “pay it forward” especially to worthy causes of education, healthcare and woman empowerment, with no ostentation and frequently unbeknownst to his family.
To this day, I remember his words in 1995 as we strolled along an arterial in Southern California: “How I wish I had come to USA 30 years ago ! This is such a wealthy country and has so much to offer.”
He lived and spread altruism all through his life.
8
What a lovely piece! Thank you so much!
7
In my adolescence in Hamburg, Germany, I had many Persian friends from Iran, who had fled their country after Khomeini‘s „Islamic Revolution“. I was always impressed by their warm generosity which appeared to me as a traditional trait of a culture of 5,000 years of rich history.
10
This is an utterly beautiful essay. The chords resonate at so many levels, as expressed by other contributors. I grew up in a University town, and my family was a "Host Family" for several Persian students (as well as students from other countries). As a result, I never have understood the prejudice against "Iranians" that developed in the U.S. after I became an adult, even though I don't deny the "Hostage crisis" and all that followed.
Part of what followed also was a turn to individualism and increasing emphasis on money/being "rich" and ignoring community and care, and Ms. Dumas's column captures the antithesis of that.
Knowing something about negotiation, take it-or leave it "deals" are often not a good strategy for parties acting in good faith. (There's "negotiation", "haggling" as a cultural norm, and the current regime of "S/he who has the gold makes the rules."
I could go on and on, but just wanted to say I am so grateful for this essay and for Ms. Dumas.
4
Ms.Dumas how wonderfully beautiful this story is. All I want to add is to say about your father is, “what a guy”!
10
Refreshing read. Thank you! Firoozeh Dumas. Very recently I learned a similar lesson in my own life! I was on a vacation-trip to an away country. At the end of trip I was being driven to the port city to avail of the plane to fly back home. As to my earlier plan I asked the driver to pull the car in front of a clothing shop so I buy a gift for one of my neighbors' school going child. Accordingly I rushed in to the shop and asked the sales guy to show me a few tea shirts. I was in hurry so picked up one from the stack and almost trot off the cash counter to pay the price shown on the ticker. It happened to be a bargain-shop! As I was hurrying back to my ride the owner speedily came on the exit with a large gift packet in hand whispering "a small present from my establishment for you, sir!" I could only murmur a 'thank you' before getting in to the ride again!
S. A. Samad, USA
5
Having been through 2 divorces, many bad business deals, and several good ones, I can say that leaving something on the table for others ultimately costs nothing and pays off in spades. Life comes down to people. Money is a tool. Much like ketchup on mediocre food. It comes and goes. But ultimately it will all be taken from all of us, and being stingy with it serves no one. Loved reading this story as I sit in my world of modest abundance recalling a time when $200 would have meant so much to me, and how little it seems to mean now.
23
Beautiful story and a good life lesson. Thank you for sharing.
7
A beautifully written and beautiful story. Thank you, I shall treasure this one in the back pocket of my mind.
12
-- Beautiful story. Beautifully told.
A gesture of kindness we all need to think about in our angry, polarized world.
Let us all follow the kindness and generosity of your father.
How much better we would be if each one of us made just one, small, kind gesture a week for those around us.
5
What a wonderful story. The best thing I've read in weeks.
9
So much better than the "I'm not happy unless you're not happy" deal that seems to be the current favorite.
7
When my husband and I were newlyweds expecting a baby and trying to pay off his student loan debt, we sold his car. The buyer asked why we were selling, and we shared our desire to be debt free. He paid us a few hundred dollars over our asking price, and said he remembered being young and broke. We now always try to pay it forward because we will never forget his kindness that happened at just the right moment.
Loved this story. Thanks for sharing.
46
I've found that giving things to people, when they fully expect to pay for them, is one of the most rewarding things in life.
Of course you can't do it all the time, people have to live. But every now and then I do it. And the reaction you get from people is really amazing. It's that beaming smile on their faces when it happens. This author still remembers the smiles on those two girls faces from all those years ago.
And those kinds of smiles are the currency of a life well lived.
18
A much needed tonic. Thanks.
11
What a wonderful story and great lesson Fo rmany if not most Americans who are taught in countless ways how to get the "best deal" by winning. Winning being getting the upper hand.
Thank You
6
Wonderful story about truly Making American Great (Again). Thanks for sharing!
7
Thank you. This is a beautifully written reminder of living generously. Brightened my day.
9
Great story and a valuable lesson!
I used to do the car washing thing with my dad when I was young, and, like your father, he always took very good care of the things he owned. I continue that tradition. I love fixing things and repairing old things that have broken down. I'm not a big fan of our disposable/toss it out culture. I remember overhauling an old rusty push mower I found in the garage of one of the places I used to rent. When I was done that thing would literally sing as I moved the lawn. And it worked better than any gas powered model.
I remember another thing my dad always did - he always thanked people when he left a store / restaurant / etc, practically any place of business, regardless of whether bought something or not. The reason is because he liked people and wanted to connect with them, and he respected and appreciated people who provided goods and services for others. Something that is being lost more and more these days.
There are times when I go out to a bar or restaurant and everyone in the place is looking at their phones or computers, instead of at each other. And I find that sad. Sad that people would rather indulge in themselves instead of the other living people around them. I guess it's just part of our technological age.
Sometimes I pine for the days of land lines. I think there was a lot more camaraderie among people then. While there are exceptions, I often feel like I'm living in a world automatons.
I guess I'm still a "people person".
14
Beautiful value system. This shows a great american value, but also same in other cultures. People in India for example, will make it a point to give money to a beggar or a needy person each day however small their earnings maybe.
8
Thanks for sharing the beautiful uplifting story. Forty-one years later, that moment is now making hundreds of people happy. And it probably made some people better human beings for reading it.
18
Great story, well written.
Let's hope the commentary here isn't going to turn it into political theater.
2
This is lovely, thank you for sharing Firoozeh. What a wonderful father you have!
12
Thank you for this story. I needed that.
Heck, the world needs it. More of this please.
15
Loved this, thank you!
11
Thanks for this reflection! Great news!
9
What a beautiful, tear-inducing story! Your dad sounds like a wonderful man.
Yesterday I had a big moving sale - everything was priced super low but I found myself lowering prices, even before being asked, for the many kind and interesting people I met throughout the day. When we finally sat down with pizza and wine afterwards, we talked about how satisfying it felt to share the old items with their new owners without focusing on making money from them. (Not patting myself on the back too much here... of course, getting rid of stuff felt great too! Anybody need a sofabed?)
13
Your father's generosity continues as you share his story
18
Made my day!
11
I seldom sell my personal possessions to individuals. I worry that a fault will be discovered and the buyer will wind up dissatisfied, and may even feel that I concealed a defect. As a result, I will often gift, or sell at less than fair value, things I need to get rid of. I have usually gotten the lion's share of the usefulness out of the product.
One instance I particularly remember, I had a high mileage Corvette sports car that no longer fit my lifestyle. There was a nice kid in the neighborhood who was car crazy, and a reasonable mechanic for his age. I sold the car to him for a little over half its market value. Even at that price, it was a challenge to his resources, but I figured that if it was too much for him, he could "flip" it and make a profit.
I would rather give a friend a deal and leave him happy. I am getting up in age, and leaving most of my estate to local charities anyway.
14
What a way wonderful story that you shared. Words to live by for all of us.
6
I loved this story and the lesson your dad has taught us 41 years later. Buy does this world need to be reminded of this simple lesson.
Ironically the Greed is Good era began several years after the Car was sold. It now occupies the White House.
When American values are assessed, your dad’s lesson is a wonderful case study!
6
Thank you for sharing this, Ms. Dumas. A lesson in generosity of spirit, caring and wisdom is a very welcome break from reading about Trump's non-stop lies.
7
I was surprised to read that, as is the custom, the buyer didn’t haggle. I was humbled to read the rest of the story.
10
Tears.
I am grateful that this is allowed to be a simple story about human goodness, with no special distinction given to the father's heritage. Ms. Dumas speaks of it naturally, as needed part of the story flow, but her father could truly have been any man, or any woman.
8
This deeply touched me. Simply a beautiful story and a beautiful life lesson.
9
A wonderful story, beautifully written. I wish that small acts of kindness that bridge cultural divides made it into the news more often. Thank you.
7
Thank you Ms. Dumas for making my day so bright.
Beautiful family, beautiful actions.
10
I was witness to a company built from scratch by one man. He said:
'You get rich by letting others get rich with you'
and
'You never take the last dollar off the table.'
His importing business grew. It handed a mix of different brands. He turned a small unknown European brand into a monster, making its European owners millions.
In time he started his own brand - later sold for a fortune. But this was tax planning so his company, his legacy would survive his death. His employees, the ones that helped his company grow would have jobs for life.
It didn't last. That small brand his company made, wanted more money. Eliminating a middleman would help. They pressured the founder's children to sell. He should have planned better.
The new owner dropped all brands but their own. (One growing brand later sold for a fortune - oops).
All old employees, the ones that turned that small brand into a monster were fired.
Sales dropped.
Everyone ended up worse off - except the heirs that sold the company. They got even richer.
The new owners want every dollar they can get. Ironic. They're now making far less money than they used to make.
6
Lovely story. I have read your autobiography and enjoyed the humor and family stories. We are all more alike than we are different, underneath it all.
9
Being satisfied with what's enough, and being kind enough to share what's extra: that's what our world needs right now. Thanks for reminding us and for your beautifully written memories.
10
Your father took to heart how difficult it can be to get what you need and have any left for treats like Disney. What a wonderful action this was, especially in front of you. You are blessed to have such a kind man as your Dad. Thanks for the lovely reminder to consider everyone around us with compassion as we move through life.
12
wow, beautiful!
6
Leaving money on the table after a transaction, regardless of the amount, is always the hardest, and the wisest thing to do.
There used to be a custom in the South, that if you admired someone else's tie, he would take it off of his neck and offer it to you. I've done it and it's been done to me. Pass it on. Pay it forward. Smile.
157
@Guido Malsh Great advice. My possessions never meant much, and I'm at an age where they mean almost nothing. Still, my wife and I have accumulated beautiful things through the years, and we have mentally set aside the few items our daughters want. Meantime, if a young person genuinely admires something of ours, we say 'take it.' They're always surprised. They're always thrilled. And we're always happy knowing our trinkets will be enjoyed all over again. Fun!
52
@Guido Malsh What's interesting about your comment is that this is a ubiquitous practice in present day Iran. I always have thought of Iranian hospitality as being the extreme of Southern (or the normal of what it used to be).
16
@Guido Malsh : This is a practice in the Middle East, too, as I learned to my great embarrassment. After an extended series of please and no thank you, the lovely necklace, which I truly admired but would never accept, stayed with its owner.
6
The need to always maximize profit leaves us, and our nation, poorer in so many ways. Thank you for sharing the value received in creating joy!
9
Great story. Great writing. The right touch of self deprecation. The important insight into being first generation Iranian, while being quintessentially American. You make our lives richer and, as Rosemary and others have commented, we wish the guy in the oval office understood that!
197
@Leonie As you said It's a great story but your comment to make a reference to the guy in the office only serves you to feel better about yourself
2
One really only needs so much. We truly have gotten to a point where people can do something nice and the recipient wonders when the other shoe is going to drop.
I really wasn't looking to work Trump into the comment, but I've seen a spike in rudeness and ill-manners in the past two years. This could be my anecdotal experience, but I don't think so. This isn't as kind of a country as it used to be. Ms. Dumas, your father gave you a valuable lesson.
4
Dear Ms. Dumas,
Thank you so much for this beautiful tribute to your father. How luck you both are! Your devotion to him, the pleasure you derived from seeing him respond with joy while working on the object of his affection despite your disinterest. If that isn't an "act" of love, I don't know what is. His pure heart shines like a lamp unto our feet in a very dark night of the soul in America.
John Bacher
195
Thank you for this wonderful story. I'm sure he was inspired by his love for you and what it means for a father to be able to give a gift to his children. Possessions mean so little. To give of oneself can be so much more rewarding.
166
A beautiful story about what is important. Thank you for this uplifting piece! I'll carry it with me.
4
A gift from the father's hand is always special.
5
I need more than this world could ever make, just for myself!
1
beautiful. thanks.
3
In negotiations I was involved in, one of my goals was not to "break the knees" of who I was negotiating with, rather to allow them to walk away feeling like they got a decent deal, because they did.
Should I ever have to meet any of those people again, i would like to see a smile on their face.
Oh, but what a different world this would be if our foreign policy followed that line.
Peace
10
Tears to the eyes.
5
I'm glad I read this piece.
10
I wish all the billionaires in the world could read and understand this story.
You can't take it with you. The amount you need is actually very small. The rest is greed...
6
You made me tear up! Thanks for sharing
5
Your father is the sort of person I wish we could elect as our next President.
10
This story reminds me of dad, who would have done the same back in India. May your tribe grow.
3
That LeBaron was one hell of a great car.
3
What a wonderful father! Thank you very much for that gift!
3
Kindness seeds itself. Let's all try it. A wonderful man and teacher for all of us.
5
What a great story, bless you and your father.
5
Ms. Dumas is a very lucky woman. My upbringing was decidedly different. When "gold old Dad" wasn't beating me, Mom took turns so as soon as I turned 13 and assembled a decent bicycle, it was Hasta La Vista crazy parents.
That may have been 60 years ago, but the memory never leaves. It caused me to treasure my wife of 51 years and two daughters and raise them using the ideals Ms. Dumas experienced. I may not have had a good role model, but I knew right from wrong which causes me unending grief watching Trump trash the planet and line his pockets whereas he in such a powerful position to do something right.
17
Lovely story.
I have negotiated many things in my life, most of them far more adversarial than your father's sale of his car. But I too have found that if you "leave something on the table" you can still make a very good deal, and you may make a friend or an ally as well.
21
@Rudolph, finally, someone who got the point! This was a social ritual as well as a cash exchange.
8
A wonderful, generous story -- keeps our faith in people.
6
Magnificent article. Brought tears to my eyes. Now I have a philosophy to follow:
When you have enough, when your needs are satisfied, look to give to others.
This also helps me understand that for some people, there is never enough of something. Especially money. They lack the incredible insight of the writer's father.
10
Among the best articles i have read this year.
Thank you Ms Dumas for sharing your memories.
12
What a beautiful story, only if we did what your father told you, certainly our world would be much better.
Thank you for sharing those memories with us all.
6
This story reminds me of my dad in so many ways. We lived on the edges of the middle class and were often the recipients of kindness, but my dad gave what he could when he could, and I know how important it was for him to do so. Also, because of him, I know how to change oil and a tire--not that I ever hope to do either. Like Firoorzeh's father, my dad was a good man, and I know I was blessed.
16
What a beautiful anecdote. As The Band once sang, "Take what you need and leave the rest."
8
Love the story. Took me back to my childhood, where the neighbors from all sorts of walks understood such things, declining the easy opportunities to grab what you can get and yet never have enough.
5
Wow. I didn't expect anything I could have read today to have such an impact. It truly made my day - a much, much needed salve for the soul. A reminder of the best in humanity - something that seems to be in very short supply these days - I hope we can find it again.
21
I’m a first generation daughter of Iranian immigrants a well, and I could absolutely see my father doing the same thing - giving is engraved in Persian culture. Reading this piece brought tears to me eyes.
30
Cool story! Generosity makes the world turn!
7
I was shopping for a used car about 30 years ago in Seattle, not my town but the closest big city. I found the exact vehicle I was looking for. It surprised me that the fellow selling the car was black as I didn't know Seattle neighborhoods. I looked the car over and told him I'd take it and started to hand him the cash but he did the same thing as this guy and said he'd overpriced it expecting to have to go down and he wouldn't take any more than he expected to get.
I do the same thing often. I'm well off and I hate the feeling of taking advantage of someone else. The other day I was negotiating a farm least with a tenant and I was insisting that I pay for my share of the fertilizer and he was insisting that that wasn't necessary. It was pretty funny. But prices are really low now and he's not making that much, so he eventually capitulated.
21
Thank you for reminding us there are currencies other than money.
30
You mean USA doesn't stand for Unlimited Satisfaction by Acquisitiveness? Try telling that to our wounded class of billionaires. It's the only way they count self-worth.
10
@Rocky, what does that have to do with this essay? Please expound on your statement.
Best thing i’ve read in a long time.
14
"To make a living, one must get. To make a life, one must give." - Winston Churchill
38
The last two paragraphs got me all verklempt.
So lovely...
15
Firoozeh,
With such a father, no wonder you are so rich.
12
Thank you for this beautiful story, and reminder of what is truly valuable in this world. I am going to share this story with my children so that your father’s lesson can extend into my family.
11
This approach is so contrary to the theory of the free market and yet, so beautiful. Your dad is a man I would have loved to have as a neighbor.
10
That is a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing the lesson.
12
Great story . . . and I do stuff like that all the time. You do it for yourself as much as or more than for someone else.
7
A truly uplifting story which should inspire us all to do better, be better.
8
Wonderful story vivid with details. I felt I was there.
After my husband’s illness and death in preparation for moving I gave many things away. I always felt it was going to the people that most needed and wanted, my neighbors in a small town. My final give away was my truck to a couple across the street that helped me clear things out. (I don’t need two vehicles!) It felt good to see the smiles as they took things away. Our town’s (Boulder City, 17,000 pop) Facebook buy, sell, exchange came in handy.
But I confess some selfish motives with giving and donating. I am not so good at selling and I just needed the work to be done, I was in enough emotional pain and fatigue. I don’t know if others can relate to this. But even on my best days I am a reluctant shopper. I In short I wanted to lessen hassles.
Thank you again for so finely capturing your father and this moment.
17
This is just a wonderful story. Well told. Thanks, I needed that.
18
I’m wondering how happy that buyer was that the the kids were promised a trip to Disneyland, by someone else. Lots of pressure there.
In 1973, admission to Disneyland was $4.50, then it went up to $5.25, and then $6 in 1975. Did the kids get to Disneyland?
1
It seems possible that you missed the important message of Ms. Dumas' story.
6
@Douglas , no, I did not. It’s funny how the same people who are commenting on the sweetness of this story take the time to diminish other commenters. Indicative of many things.
I take issue with this statement: “ This being pre-drought days...”. In the 1970s California experienced the driest year on record (‘76-‘77) up to that time. But that was just the last year of a several year rain shortage, before the heavens finally opened. The drought went on long enough that drought sturdy oaks died on the brown hills, and topsoil blew away from the Central Valley fields. If the writer is speaking of mid-1970s (assuming that’s her father did not buy that “land yacht” immediately after immigrating in 1972, I think they were indeed wasting water during a prolonged dry spell.
I think you missed the point of the story.
6
I’m sorry that’s what you took away from this article. In the ‘70s, it seems to me, most people were still washing their cars in their driveways. Those days are gone but hopefully generosity hasn’t been lost.
10
My reply was censored, ridiculously. As I tried to say...I was simply correcting an error of fact. I lived through that drought. I remember it very well.
A marvelous tale, more so because it is true. Unfortunately, these are the gems of human behavior that we can cherish, over the cacophony of self-centered dealings that have brought us world wars, climate change, water shortages, distrust, and deep-seated inequalities.
8
Ms. Dumas, thank you for sharing this story. It is gracious, light, and full of light! It is beautiful the relation you built with your father and intense his lesson. Grazie
11
this was really heartwarming. i have always implicitly run my own dealings this way. we need more generosity like this these days. everything doesn't always have to be zero sum or profit maximized
12
Utterly beautiful essay, and so inspiring.
Another lesson in bargaining, that I learned in bargaining down a beautiful skirt in Brazil, is not to take advantage of the need of the seller in order to bargain the price down lower than the seller can really afford. The crestfallen and resentful look that resulted when I did that is something I have never forgotten. Bargaining is a complex human relationship, not merely an economic battle. Do not take advantage of another's urgent need.
30
@Bbwalker It adds to Ms. Dumas' wonderful story to hear from someone who, having once behaved in the opposite way, learned a lesson by paying attention. I'm sure many of us, at times, have not lived up to the writer's father's wisdom; I'm sure all of us will try.
11
Decency and respect trump politics every day of the week.
Ms. Dumas' father understood that. It's a shame that those values aren't shared by a great number of people in this world.
8
Now that is the story of a Great American! My Dad, a WWII vet, had the same generosity of spirit. Kindness, especially when children are involved, reaps rewards we can only imagine. What a great neighbor was your father.
8
A touching story -- and not without relevance to current discussions of tax policy.
8
@John Fitzpatrick, but it does bring up the question of taxation on sales like this. The last time my husband and I sold a car for cash, it was to a contractor doing a job on our property. We wanted to do a barter arrangement, but he wanted to do it as cash. So we did this strange, almost ceremonial exchange of the cash he gave us — something like $8k or $9k — handing it back to him when the job was complete. But for the paperwork, the buyer reported the purchase price as slightly more than a tenth of what he actually paid, so his registration fees would be next to nothing. Completely dishonest tax dodging. I understand that this is common in such person to person car sales, but I was not comfortable with it. Lying is lying, no matter what you think of the Tax Man. Barter should also be reported to the tax authorities (I disagree with this on principle), even if no one ever does that. But to actively fill in false information on an official document? That is crossing the line for me. (BTW, for tax purposes, I considered this to be a barter arrangement. And no, we did not report it to the IRS.)
2
To further explain why I bring this up, I see something in this story that differs from that of the commenters here (and of the writer, too). I see a man working out an ethical quandary, to his satisfaction. And it makes him appear munificent, which is even better. The father had it in his mind to sell the car for $1k. The buyer did not haggle, but agreed to the inflated (starter) sum of $1200 ($1200 in 1975 is equivalent to about $5500 now). In countries where haggling in the marketplace is expected as a social ritual, it can be seen as insulting if a buyer doesn’t try to bring the price down. Formalities must be acknowledged. This is true in the Middle East. So I think that this Iranian immigrant had a moment of cognitive dissonance and, rather than being rude and refuse the extra money outright, possibly embarrassing the buyer, he made this gesture to cover his own discomfort. My point is that we all navigate our own ethical mazes, in our daily interactions and transactions. We have to live with ourselves, and with our decisions. I see this story as a moral tale.
5
@Passion for Peaches
Hey, maybe your contractor charged you $9k for the work but considered what he did to have actually been worth $900.
Seriously though, it's odd that he insisted on paying cash instead of barter unless he worried that IRS would have placed a higher value on the barter and figured that the cash would be untraceable.
I love this because the purest kind of generosity is (a) when there is no "need" on your part and (b) no possibly of reciprocation (which would render it a "transaction")
Thank you!
10
Every Middle Eastern person I have ever known has this kind of humanity in them. Thank you so much for writing Firoozeh, my long ago neighbor in Palo Alto.
19
Beautiful story. Thanks for sharing.
6
Is it just me or does this wonderful decent man almost seem out of place in today's America. This is exactly the kind of big-hearted man that Donald Trump would able a loser for giving up money for "nothing." That's how far we've fallen as a nation.
Thanks for the nice story. Your old man sounds like a great person.
14
No, he doesn’t. These acts of kindness happen all the time: we just don’t hear about them. Don’t give in to the cynicism of the times.
8
@ERT, I agree. They happen constantly. Large gestures and small. Too many people these days post any nice thing they do on Instagram, for the adulation (Look at me!). Or they make a large donation (to a university, for instance) and get written up for it. I admire hugely philanthropic people like Bill and Melinda Gates, but I have far more respect for those who give and do quietly. Anonymously. Consistently. And who do it for their own souls.
2
@Passion for Peaches that behavior is The Third Rule of False Spirituality...do a good deed and tell the first five hundred people you meet about it.
i never haggle with people over things they are selling. they may need the money more than i do. something at a yard sale for 2 bucks? why would i want to work that down to a dollar?
Thank you. I can’t imagine a better lesson.
8
Dammit! Who's peeling onions in here?
24
This is the best deal! I love your story.
7
What a beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing.
8
It always seems to be immigrants and people from immigrant families who do things like this. It makes one wonder what is wrong with us as Americans.
11
The smart individual who grows with nothing, learns to make fortunes only handling something.
1
The gleaning principal-Universal!
3
Car maintenance should be taught in grade school...Nice writing
4
Wonderful story and well told. Thank you for sharing. Reminded me of the time I sold my old VW Beetle to a young lad. It would be his first car, and despite its many flaws, he was sold the moment he saw it. I sensed that he was spending his life savings to buy the car, just as I had when I bought my first car, so I decided to negotiate on his behalf and knocked $100 off the asking price. The expression on his face was well worth a hundred bucks.
19
I think my dad and your dad would have been friends.
When I was growing up in a small Wisconsin town in the fifties, my dad, who grew up during the depression, owned a gas station that his father owned before him.
My dad worked 80 hours a week for 57 years and he never complained. His station was a social hangout for adults and children. He was sincerely grateful to customers, many of whom could not afford to pay for the gas they purchased.
Me and my three brothers grew up waiting on customers, putting as little as one dollar of gas in their car, checking their oil and washing their windshield. The number one thing our Dad taught us was to say "thank you" to every customer.
As I got older, I questioned why he allowed people to "charge" when they already owned him money. He would calmly tell me they would when they could.
When he finally retired and sold the station, he left with a file full of old bills. After he retired, people who previously couldn't afford to pay, stopped by his and my mothers home to pay their bill. When he died, a large file full of bills had been reduced to a handful.
He was right all along.
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Most people are fundamentally kind and giving. We just tend to forget that.
12
Wow! What a refreshing story to read first on a Sunday morning. A lot of dads out there taught good lessons. Thank you!
9
That was a great story, Ms Dumas. Thank you for sharing it.
8
Thank you, Ms Dumas, for the lovely story.
5
What a lovely story. Receiving a gift feels good, but giving always feels better. As humans, we're wired that way. Most of us, anyway. Whether it's Disneyland or just a few dollars, giving it away is a gift to both the recipient and the giver.
14
I'm not crying. Must be the onions.
13
Me too, damn onions.
6
“The things you own end up owning you. It's only after you lose everything that you're free to do anything.” - Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club (Please forgive me if this is redundant). Thanks so much, Ms. Dumas - I am totally inspired!
9
All I can say is Thank you!
5
The secret of wisdom is a deep understanding of what is really in your own best interest.
9
Wonderful story... your dad epitomized the best of Americans... looking forward to more of them emerging...
6
Great article. Something unfortunately we've gotten away from with our "you'll be tired of so much winning" mentality. We win in so many other ways by showing kindness to others.
8
Yes such a good lesson. If we could only do this as a nation Imagine, you willing to pay an extra $10.00 a year taxes so people could have health care, an extra $10.00 taxes so kids could be educated. An extra $10,00 so single mothers could have health care for their children. Yes, a few extra dollars to help many needy people who are a part of your nation, yourf humanity.
We are on the verge of losing, as a nation, our sense of virtue, empathy and caring for the good of others. This is becoming a danger to our unity.
44
Beautiful story. We need to hear and read these stories more often. Thank you.
22
Great story. Great Dad. Great daughter. Great culture they brought with them to the US.
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@farhorizons Amen !
2
A sweet story with a lot of wisdom packed in!
18
This heart warming memoir was tailor made to offset my feelings of disgust upon reading yesterday's article about Donald Trump's fraudulent foundation where the "art the deal" of giving was to give to himself and his family. Merci for reminding us of the real power in sharing one's good fortune with others.
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Thank yo for this lovely story. I had a dad just like yours and when he died, so many people came forth to tell me their private stories of how he helped them, from buying clothes for their kids for school to help paying to make someone's daughter's wedding possible. We never knew.
I love your dad!
35
Beautiful. Thank you. You couldn't have found a better way to help mitigate Trump's efforts to further ensure a Middle East without peace.
12
Touching story. Thanks for sharing it. Great reminder that the best teachers of morality are modestly unselfish people like your father. This is such a contrast to Ross Douthat’s column today about the political drama of the Catholic Church.
6
Heart warming story. How wonderful the world would be if we had more people like this.
Deception, lies and greed is what rules the day. Ignorance trumps decency these day, people no longer can tell wrong from right on their own.
12
Beautiful essay. Thank you.
3
love... I will be sharing this....thank you!
3
Firoozeh, I’m now looking for everything you’ve written. I was enthralled from the first sentence to the last and feel better for having read it.
29
This is the best thing I've read in ages. My heart feels full. Thank you Firoozeh.
13
If only.
1
A wonderful story, beautifully written, and a thoughtful lesson.
13
Your stories always touch me, but this one in particular could have been written about my father - the care he took of the possessions he was able to afford when he came to America, teaching me how to wash and care for our cars (we too, had a Chrysler LeBaron) and the way he was always happy with getting exactly what he needed, easily giving away anything extra. All with a thick accent.
16
America the " Melting pot" is richer with your father and the generation that comes after him. Thank you.
385
Ms. Dumas, you were blessed to have had this wonderful, kind man as your father. Thank you for sharing this charming, touching story about a truly selfless man. It makes me smile when I visualize this interaction between your dad & the incredulous buyer.
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Your dad was a mensch. What a great guy.
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things money cannot buy : beautiful at heart.
you have to nurture it , always.
12
My dad sold our Rambler station wagon to family friends in 1965 for $100 less than he’d been asking( to help these friends out). Dad said, “it’s old, you can have it for less because it may not last long”
The family ran the Rambler 12 more years, & when it finally died that friend gave me and my three sisters each $25 to “make up” the $100 discount. He said, “ It ended up running just as long as he needed it to”.
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I love this story! Be generous whenever you can be, it is never wasted.
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It is a beautiful story.
There could also be another story:
As the man drives away, he thinks to himself: "Wow, that guy gave me back $200. Next time, I buy something, I'm going to be hardass and offer way less."
1
Very nice.
1
Sweet!
1
Made my day!
3
All Praise to Your Father!
Multibillionires try to max what they can leave to their overprivileged daughters and sons.
6
"When comes the time to leave this world someday, what you get to keep is what you gave away."
-- The Diggers, 1967
38
best
read
ever
21
To The New York Times: Please forward this article to Bill Gates and all the other mega-yacht owners on the planet. Readers: To better understand this suggestion to the Times, read this column, also in today's paper: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/08/opinion/sunday/bill-gates-warren-tax.html
12
Leave it to an immigrant to show us how a good American should behave. I want to be like your dad.
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“When you have what you need, use the rest to bring joy into someone else’s life.” Beautiful! Love this bit of wisdom.
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That is a great story.
6
Perfect story. It has softened the blow of the daily news reports. Thank you !
9
As has been shown this week, I can no more imagine our president showing the kindness and grace shown by your father in this touching essay. Trump's use of a "charity" as a piggy bank revealed the shallowness of his transactional view of the world.
We need the teachers like your father to show us the way to be stewards of our planet, communities and relationships and not just faux leaders demonstrating the Art of the (Raw) Deal.
15
I would have liked to hug your father as well. I feel like I am living in an era where I am angry a lot of the time - at strangers who make driving my car, which I used to love to do, sort of a necessary evil. When did people stop using their blinkers and think that if they will get to where they are going faster because they are so close behind me that I can see their angry faces. I think it started when Trump became president....it's my theory. Once in a while, I will have an encounter with a stranger who makes me believe there are people like your father out there. And usually it is a recent immigrant, from Egypt, or Iran or India. It makes me want to be someone like your father - grateful, enthusiastic and unselfish - pass it on -pay it forward - indeed a beautiful lesson. My own father - an immigrant from Poland who arrived in this country with nothing but his ingenuity and a good heart, touched many people in his life. There is nothing like it when it comes to giving without expecting something in return. Thank you for the reminder this morning!!!
6
Thank you. So many of us are determined to see The Other, when, in reality, The Other is Us.
"Cause every bit of land is a holy land,
And every drop of water is a holy water,
And every single child is a son or a daughter,
Of the one earth mama, and the one earth papa."
Michael Franti and Spearhead
6
That was a wonderful story. The act of generosity cannot be overstated. I would have liked your Dad.
14
Thank you so very much for this wonderful essay. In this times of winner take all greed constantly in the headlines, this serves as a reminder that being good to your fellow man is always the right choice.
18
After reading this terrific life lesson, I hope I am filled with enough optimism to handle the other headlines.
30
There is something about cars that must bring out the generosity in people. They are not so much commodities but rather an essential for life. We are precariously middle class but I sold my car at a reduced price to a single mom. I had a brand new one sitting in my driveway. My two most recent cars I gave away to the woman who watches my mom. She had more than earned them. I have received much random kindness in my life. My latest - the checkout man at Trader Joe’s gave me a bouquet. I can’t tell you how deeply his gesture touched me. For days!
21
@Italian special i have driven a number of volvo station wagons over the years and some of them had to go the junkyard when i was done with them, but two of them i sold to co-workers who needed wheels, for a dollar. the first guy never gave me the dollar, but i made the second guy give me one, and he was grateful for the deal.
3
beautiful story of human generosity, and an important life lesson!
7
This article would have been a fun read as a father-daughter study, and a glimpse into a Southern Californian immigrant life. Then it became an unexpected and breathtaking reveal of one man's generous heart. Beautiful. Just beautiful. Thank you, Ms. Dumas. Your father was a blessing to the world.
71
Beautiful.
Reminds me of being in Cusco with a friend who was so proud, and I so uncomfortable, with her relentless bartering. Fortunately I've always preferred behaviour like that displayed in this story. Thank you.
10
The most wonderful story I’ve read in months. Thank you, thank you!
35
Beautiful story. Thank you. really well written. Love everything about this. the notion of nerding out on used car dealers like “ tourists visiting ancient sites “ Made me smile as my father, an industrial engineer in that era was similar. But the real message is the truly potent one: random acts of kindness, surprise and delight, Your father gave a lasting gift to you, and that family and now to all of us thanks to you. 
48
Thank you for the wonderful story of what makes life worth living.
Your father is a great man.
33
Money represents power. Use your power to make the world a better place.
My father saved every dime he could. Yet, in his retirement, he would often say: "It is only money."
20
A beautiful story. Thank you!
16
When negotiating, I simply say name a price that will make you happy and make me happy. We each have a price in mind and those prices are often very similar.
9
"When you have what you need, use the rest to bring joy into someone else’s life. That is the best deal you can ever make." What a great story, and an outstanding lesson for all people to learn! Especially Donald Trump.
33
Henry Kissinger once advised that in negotiations giving the other side a little more than expected is sometimes best. This loving father went further. When we have enough attempting to obtain more is just a matter of counting. To be able to give when one has enough is remarkable. Good job Dad. You got enough to be able to give a great gift to two little girls and a loving memory to your daughter.
55
@Eddie ... Definitely!
6
Wonderful story about a random act of kindness. Unanticipated acts of kindness towards total strangers make the world a better place. The old saying “it’s better to give than to receive” is not repeated much anymore. But it still rings true. At least for those kind enough to practice it.
28
Well said!
4
Each generation seems to think the previous was silly. I have such a respect for my father that through thick and thin, he always did what he thought was best for the family. thank you for this story.
17
This article should be required reading for the world and in particular by those in Government Leadership positions.
It teaches all of us what is truly important in our lives
Just think, Mr. Trump, how much better off this country would be if you mirrored this story
34
@Jean
Me again Just think. This man was an Immigrant Mr. Trump!
9
Why have I never read this outstanding writer before?! I’m going back and reading all her previous pieces. Thank you. What a way to start my day!
75
I did the same. Charming.
9
@Cynthia K. Witter
Same. Read her other pieces in the Times, and now I have new books I want to read.
6
This story actually brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for writing this.
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@Rax
Mine too. I am sure that Firoozeh's father was an inherently happy man and lived to share his happiness.
9
What a beautiful, beautiful story and so full of wisdom and the best of humanity. There is no doubt in my mind that the wisdom and kindness of the author's father has had a lifelong tremendous impact on his lucky daughter, on the man who bought the car (and his children), as well as on many other people that the author's father interacted with over the years.
26
I am sure we have all read and heard that giving provides more lasting happiness than receiving does.
10
@G.S.
and in his giving, the father who sold the car gave the next opportunity for giving to the father who'd purchased it.
4
Thank you for this heartwarming story of generosity, meticulous (and mechanical) attention to detail, and love. You've made my day! And it's only 2:16 p.m. in Paris.
23
I love this story. I hope the point below is not seen as an attempt at diminution.
Re "When you have what you need, use the rest to bring joy into someone else’s life."
That's a piece of deep, human truth. But in a society where the question of "what you need" is fraught with uncertainty, many will cling to money or material goods.
At age 50, an American might have saved hundreds of thousands of dollars, seemingly more than enough to make the good and ethical decision to use much of it for the good of others.
But, knowing that he or she might face illness, the lack of confidence in the nation's "system" (such as it is) of health insurance/care might very reasonably lead that person to conclude, "Ah, maybe not."
Ours is a gambling society. With traditional pensions all but extinct, supplanted by 401(k) plans and IRAs that are deeply dependent on securities markets (not enough growth in fixed-rate instruments such as bonds) leave all but the very wealthy in a state of insecurity.
Likewise, with the health insurance/care system. It's so intriguing to see polls suggesting that millions of Americans "like" their employer-provided insurance. That's all well and good ... until you are too sick to work and are (euphemism alert) "let go." I watched this happen to a friend, to tragic effect for his widow.
Giving is a virtue that rewards both giver and receiver. But in a society such as this, it's no surprise that many feel too insecure to give too much.
82
Nicely stated. Sad, but true. We live in a me-first country. I have plenty to give. But I can’t until I make sure my kids get their private lessons, pay for their college, fund my retirement (which is a bottomless stew-pot of swirling money and angst), then worry about funding for inevitable medical issues and maybe some long term care. You said it better, but I wanted you to know it all rings very true.
26
@CB Evans
"Give what you don't need" could be an objective built into estate planning and wills.
10
A wonderful story! Such a pleasure to read.
29
As second generation Americans we also had few physical possessions but at the same time had a wealth of lessons on goodness growing up. We lived in a home where my parents volunteered their time for those less fortunate when looking back, we had little ourselves. I’m so grateful for this story to remind me to follow my family’s tradition of giving.
33
I thoroughly enjoyed this column. What a great story. What a timely lesson.
49
As a motorhead, I share your father's love of all things automotive. What a wonderful story. I'm sure those now adult daughters still remember that day.
29
In kinder, gentler times, leaving money on the table was not that uncommon. More than a few people took joy in sharing their bounty, and this foreign born father knew exactly why he was leaving the $200 'on the table'. People shared joy, and they shared pain. Word got quickly around about the pain caused by shady used car dealers and so on. A Donald Trump could only thrive, if he ever did, in the relative anonymity of the biggest city in the USA.
28
Beautiful memory and wonderful story, Firoozeh! Thank you!
34
Thank you for sharing this. I learned something today. It seems that it was rather spontaneous, but I don't think I would have thought of anything like that myself.
18
This piece brought tears to my eyes, in part because of the message it sends to all the haters like the guy in the Oval, warming the seat for a real President. If we all could proceed with love in our hearts instead of hate, America would be a better place. If we all could try for a moment to walk in another’s shoes, we would all have empathy for others. If we all stopped and thought about what is happening in our country right now, the hate that is spewed by supposed “God-fearing people”, then we would be able to take our country back from the extremists and get on with the business of truly making America better every day.
121
God bless your dad & thanks for sharing this story. Most of us have lost sight of the fact that there is no greater joy than sharing a kindness, whether with loved ones or strangers. It's the foundation of both Eastern & western moral & ethical cultures that the greatest virtue is "charity" by which we mean generous love of our fellow man.
40
My wife did the exact same thing two years ago when we sold our 2002 Volvo. We had only wanted $1,000 for the car but advertised it at $1,200. When my wife meet the young mother and child at the bank to notarize the transfer of title she said she needed to wait for her husband to bring the final $200. My wife told her not to worry we would be happy to sell it to get for $1,000 which is all we wanted anyway. She was so grateful that tears were rolling down her cheeks at the kindness of the offer. For my wife, to make someone that happy was priceless.
274
@Frank Meyer Your wife knows the true art of the deal, and that is making everybody happy.
21
@Frank Meyer - Glad to know that 'enough' is not such a quaint, outdated concept after all; even though you and your wife may not ever show up on the Forbes 400 List of Shame, you're on a better list.
10
Such mixed feelings about this story, although the plot twist at the end, fulfilling the promise of the title, makes up for much of the negative.
The immigrant to America loving our then-"bigger is better" culture, which still hasn't gone away, reminds me of one of the roots of some of the problems we have today. While I can see how a prior life of scarcity could lead to such "wonder" in a new country filled with so many toys, that obliviousness about the use of natural resources is one of the more-difficult-to-address causes of our environmental problems, such as the climate change-caused fires now torturing California.
We also see both the distrust of immigrants even then, but also how they can be such an asset to the country.
The father was ahead of his time in encouraging his daughter to learn auto mechanics, as well as trusting her sense of American culture.
Agree with others about the wonderful father, as we see at the end.
It's a real long shot, but if the buyer of that car is still alive and he and/or his then 8-year old daughters see this column, it would be a wonder of a different sort to know if any play-it-forward results came about because of the father's actions.
We could use many more of what I tell students are positive, positive feedback loops, even though...you almost never know if you actually change the world. A remedy for feeling hopeless, too, and "bringing joy into someone else's life" isn't a bad substitute/place-holder until or if ever you find out.
11
@Matt Polsky
Wow! You sure know how to take the joy out of this wonderful story! I suggest you read the author's books and get to know her wonderful family.
5
The man was just asked to take his daughters to DIsneyland and buy them what they wanted, he did not have to spend all the money, if the admission and the things the girls wanted did not exceed $200.
1
Noble. Still, my empathy also extends to the buyer who was bullied onto taking his kids to Disney, perhaps for more than $200.
4
@99Percent There was no bullying in this story and Disneyland didn't cost $200 back then.
73
@99Percent Good lord. Try not to take things so literally. The seller gave the man a gift of $200 and the buyer could spend it however he chose.
There wasn't a contract to go to Disneyland.
94
Um, yeah. remember, it was 1978. admission to Disney was, what? $20?
12
Beautiful. I've seen my immigrant husband do similar and it always reminds me of the generous capacity of the human heart.
125
What an absolutely charming story! In these cynical times, reading it was a breath of fresh air.
The author's dad was surely happier than many in understanding that getting more cash than he needed wasn't as emotionally satisfying as using it to give joy to others.
194
I LOVE STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DO THESE KINDS OF THINGS! They renew my faith in humankind. And right now, I really, really need them.
368
I so agree, Urban.Warrior ! It actually made me cry a bit.
31
Wonderful narration, I know how it feels driving LeBaron, from my earliest visits to the USA...what you write and practise from Dad’s advice is what Dharma is all about....
41
Ms. Dumas, what a beautiful and sweet story. Made me chuckle and get a little misty. Thanks.
132
Sometimes, making such human connections is priceless.
77