We weren't officially married but she was my true love and I was her true love. We reconnected after being apart for 25 years and we both was still in love with each other the whole time apart. We were back together from 4/4/2018 till she passed away on December on 12/28/2021. She was all about the food whether it was cooking or trying a new restaurant. I find it hard to even go to the grocery store. Cause it reminds me of how she was always a very wise shopper and she always knew prices if everything and knew what every deal that the stores had. It was amazing to watch her shop. She loved to saving money and when we get to check out she love to try and guess how much the total would be. Very rarely would she be off by more then a dollar. Now a days ever since she passed away. I eat the same thing day in and day out and I can't seem to stop myself. I eat my favorite food. Which is Cheeseburger Mac.
she would always make that for me and make it different ways. Frozen pizza she loved them and enjoyed trying all the different ones. I have always loved chocolate more then a normal person. She always made sure I had chocolate to eat. Ice cream is also what I eat regularly. Them four things and sometimes a bowl of cereal is about all I have been living off
since she has been gone. Thanks for taking the time to read this and letting me share this with y'all. I am glad I found this post and able to share this with people that understand what I am going through.
I'm a divorced mom of one son (6 years old). I've found that on the nights I have my son I absolutely love cooking for the two of us, and have started spending a lot more time meal planning, prepping, and actually cooking a full meal. We even started a ritual to light a candle so we know it's dinner time (he blows it out when we're done). It's so different to when I was married, because my ex-husband was rarely home for dinner and I was anxious and upset by his absence and rarely had time to cook much more than mac and cheese for my son. Now, on the nights I don't have my son (3 nights/week), and I don't have to deal with my ex-husband, I feel very lonely and end up eating crackers and cheese on the couch. And I find myself wondering if my son thinks I cook like I do when he's with me every night...
My mother and I are both going through similar inabilities to cook and eat for varying emotional reasons. I was just diagnosed with a vitamin deficiency and they’re putting me through a barrage of Celiac testing, etc. It frustrates me that, although I’ve told the doctors that I suffer from depression and anxiety, not one of them has shown any interest in further discussing how my emotional state affects the nutrients being consumed (or not) by my body. These discussions have to start occurring more often in doctors’ offices.
My husband of 37 years died a year ago. When he was alive I cooked every day. For a year I have lived on sandwiches, fruit, cold cereal, and Muscle Milk with the occassional meal out. I have only recently began cooking twice a week but only because my great grandson visits after school and needs food. I still cry when I fix my husband's favorite foods.
4
All these stories are written with pain, sadness, memories.
Those of you who still have family or friends to be there for you, I hope that continues for as long as you need the comfort.
My husband died one year ago after years of cancer.
We were married for sixty two years.
We were so fortunate to have raised our three sons with seven other couples.
We lived our lives to the fullest.
As of this morning, there are four of us left.
The pain of my husbands death will never go away, and the memories will stay with m.
Peace to all of you.
It's WE, not just ME.
6
@carlamaybe
You are right: it is We, not just Me. What has brought 95 of us (so far) together is love of our loved ones, the sharing of food we loved and are loving together, and dare I say it, hope.
I'm a nine-month widow tonight and this thread has given me some hope and a lot of comfort--I feel that I am not alone. So have some of the books on cooking for one, especially Judith Jones and Jacques Pepin's Fast Food My Way: pizza on flatbread, small cuts, lobster for a treat. So have the ideas from the NYT Cooking site, the friends who take me out for lunch or brought soup or six-packs of beer, the people in my favorite grocery stores who have seen me weeping in the ice cream or crackers section because I now have nothing to buy there now, and have stopped to give me a hug or just say, "are you okay?"
It is time to pay this forward, at least for me. I want to start being mindful of the people who are clearly hesitating at food or other purchases; a kind word if I don't know them, a hug if I do--that's a way to start living again, for them and for me. My George would have done that, if he'd seen someone hurting or in distress. Time for me to start doing that, too.
We might as well live. We.
3
I am a recently widowed 65 year old. This article rings so true.
My husband loved to eat and I loved to cook for him. When he was in the final stages of Cancer and stopped eating it was so hard for me to watch. I to go to the grocery store and think of him and what he would like for dinner. I don’t think there is a group like this in Toronto but it would be so helpful
3
The worst is yet to come for widows as we now approach the big family oriented food holidays from Thanksgiving to the New Year. But I decided to put a different spin on the upcoming season of holiday humbug. I feel thankful that I don't have to spend hours in front of a hot stove or deal with crazy relatives at the dinner table. Families also scatter this time of the year or live in different parts of the country which makes get togethers difficult. I know it's hard but it is possible to get through the holidays.
1
My beloved wife died in May, 2018 after a very long illness. She had been a marvelous cook but had not been able to cook for several years because her disease, Primary Progressive Aphasia, had robbed her of the decision-making and sequencing skills necessary.
I learned to cook specifically foods that she liked only so she would continue to eat as her disease progressed. I left our home after she died, not being able to bear the thought of being in our home without her.
Now I live in an apartment where the stove is rarely used, perhaps once a month to make oatmeal for breakfast. Food is important only to stay alive. I eat out at least once a day, usually lunch and make do with whatever is available for dinner.
Home-cooked food is the least of my loss.
4
I am not a widow, I'm divorced (which is the second most stressful event outside of the death of a spouse). I, too, missed cooking for my husband and kids because I loved to cook. At least I had my kids. Then when my kids moved out of the house, I had no one to cook for. But I did — friends. So I began inviting friends over for get-togethers, sometimes dinner parties and sometimes potlucks.
When we put all our culinary eggs in the marital basket, we miss out on the joys and richness of breaking bread with friends. Cooking with friends won't necessarily replace cooking with a spouse, but it can offer a new and perhaps lovely path forward.
Food is always about more than nourishment; it's a way to create memories and share love, and that love doesn't always have to be romantic love.
6
My wife of 31 years died in 2010, seven years after her life-giving double-lung transplant surgery. One of the memories I think of these days is Monica making pies in the kitchen of our first home. Today, nine years after her passing, I still find it incredibly hard to prepare a meal -- any meal -- for myself.
4
I enjoyed the article very much, having gone through all the TV dinners I could stomach! After I was “soloing” for about three years with wonderful friends who asked me to join their meals now and then, I decided I missed male companionship. A friend had used online dating which I thought would be risky. After she described a few men, I thought I’d give it a try. I portrayed myself as honestly as I could without sounding boring, I met a super guy who is a great date. We have been dating and enjoying our new romantic life for almost 2 years and tell each other how lucky we are to have found one another at 75 and 78!
My advice is to keep volunteering and doing things for other, keep old friends and make new ones. If you live alone, move to a community with pool and activities. Stay busy and interested and interesting!
4
I was very angry when my husband died suddenly at 49years old. How could i have come so far in life and know so little about grief, i wondered. Losing 20 pounds in about a month of crying and not eating forced me to consider how i would go on living. Luckily i found a couple books that helped me tremendously: "Widow to Widow", and "How to Go On Living, When Someone You Love Dies". Treating myself gently and my faith have renewed me. I think i've given away nearly a hundred of the two books in the last 10 years. My neighbor's dog died last week and i gave him the second book since it also mentions understanding our pet loss.
12
After my husband died, suddenly I might add, I refused to be deprived of any thing else. Cooking together was an important part of our life together. Every meal was an opportunity for pleasure.
It didn't matter what I wanted, I got it and made it and ate it. It was about caring for myself. I felt it was a display of strength to cook and eat in the same healthy way we'd eaten together and not succumb to take-out or restaurants where I usually felt the worst, alone, with my book and food that wasn't as good as what we'd made together at home.
7
I’ve been a widow for 18 years. Grief does not go away, but you learn to live in its company. My husband did all the cooking and we did most of the food shopping together. I lived by myself before we met so I knew how to live by myself and cook for myself, but in those early years I missed his food so much and when I went to the grocery store I’d start crying in the frozen food section. (I’ve no idea why there.) It took awhile to cook again. When our daughter was born it forced the issue. Now I feel I don’t have the time to cook as I’d like too, but I’ve found my way. Some meals are inspired by him. Some meals are lost forever. It’s all bounded by grief.
8
My husband made wonderful manual-drip coffee for me every morning for 25 years, including the last four years while he fought multiple myeloma. He was an excellent cook, and I loved coming home from work to the scent of one of his specialty dishes, ready to enjoy after time relaxing and talking together about our day. Six months after he died I finally tried to make morning coffee; tea and instant coffee were so insipid, and I had been used to the best. After a lot of trial and error I can make coffee now, and I’m trying to re-create a few of his dishes: for Thanksgiving I’ll attempt his eggplant parmesan, which was so good it totally replaced any thought of turkey for that holiday, from our first year together.
Nine months into widowhood, I miss the wonderful food, but I no longer cry over the hot peppers at the grocery store now that I don’t have to buy them; I just keep walking. They are still a trigger, though at first it was more a sucker-punch. And I am grateful for all that we had together, all the things I learned to love. But food is just the symptom and the metaphor; I really just miss him.
12
Haven't had time to read all the comments, so someone may have addressed this, but living with a partner with dementia have a similar impact on meal-planning, -eating and -consuming.I face the added quirky factor that if I take my husband with me to the grocery, he's going to select all sorts of things we won't use before they go bad, which I generally buy anyway so as to give him some feeling of agency! His tastes have changed to very bland, or rejecting things that used to be beloved, and he's definitely not interested in trying out my latest cooking adventure. He would subsist happily on dry cereal with fruit and milk. As a result, I'm cooking for one, wrangling leftovers in the fridge, and throwing out excess or spoiled produce as the widow/ers describe. And meals just aren't the social occasion they used to be. It's a lesser loss at this point than death, but still a loss.
13
I can relate so much to this. My husband and I through much of our marriage loved planning our dinners....I would buy the ingredients, he would cook and we'd share a bottle of wine. We did this less and less as our family grew, 3 children later, but none the less, we did it especially on weekends. He had his special dishes he'd make for the family, and was always trying to find a dish to please the whole family. ANd then stage 4 cancer. Things changed...I spent my time at the grocery store laser focused on finding foods to nourish my husband,and then just finding anything at all that he would want to eat. 18 years of marriage, 4 1/2 years of cancer, and my incredible husband was gone. Now, 17 months later, I still don't know what to do with myself. I try to cook for my 3 chidlren, but I will often just sit with them while they eat and talk about their day. I guess I can't bring myself to cook a real meal that my husband and I would have enjoyed together. Shopping can be very difficult...so many triggers. So many memories.
17
I understand this a little bit because when my son left in 9th grade to go to high school in another state, I cried my eyes out every time he left home. It wasn't just that he was leaving for a semester, it was knowing that he will never come back, that he's off to make his own life. as he should, but it was still hard and is even today. The grocery store with the foods he used to love, that is one hard place. Halloween costumes hanging in the store is another. I was surprised at the triggers after he left. It's better now, but still - when he leaves, I go to the movies. It's my way of coping.
i know this is nothing compared to losing a spouse, but it's still hard, feeling my son was taken away before either of us were ready.
10
@Susan I have a daughter in high school who is getting ready to leave home. I feel the same way.
I think our way of living - each in separate residences, eating alone - just really fails us, in a society where we may live into our 80's. Why are we living separately like this? I really don't understand it.
1
I understand your feelings. You’re right, it’s not the same as suffering the death of a loved one, but in you’re own way you are going through a kind of bereavement. As this article shows, food is a huge part of life and something we share on a daily basis with loved ones. I’ve been through a relationship breakup in the past year and the memories of cooking for my partner and discovering new restaurants - both a significant part of our bonding - have been upsetting.
@Susan
Due to the perfidy of an ex spouse, two of my children ran away from home and do not speak to or see me. There is no such thing as "only a child."
Losing a child is up there in the top ten of stressful events, along with losing a spouse. While "going away," kidnapping, or Alienation is not specifically "listed" on that Psychologist's Top 100, grief is grief, the human mind does not make such distinctions. Your heart knows Loss, it knows grief.
The Empty Nest is a Grief Event, just as losing a spouse is. Grief can affect your ability to eat and cook.
I lost my husband 5 yrs ago. Ten years ago, we built a dream kitchen. I thank him and miss him every day because he can’t be here to enjoy our meals together. I always cook like he is still here, making enough for two. It is what I am used to.
12
I'm in year five of Widowhood after losing my husband to cancer at 43. My son and I eat in the living room every night. I have chef-quality everything in my kitchen but can't seem to get it together yet. I've even resorted to using a grocery pick-up service so I don't have to face it in person. I've met someone and only cook when I'm with him. I'm trying so hard but feel like a failure.
12
@Amy
It was very hard to shop after splitting with the ex and all the misery it created. After my oldest moved back in, he and I shop together and it's much easier. Have you tried shopping with your son, who might not have the same sorrows that you have... and might distract you?
thanks for sharing this wonderfull article with us. hope u do the best article in future
wonderful
Best Cancer Hospital in India, Affordable Treatment in India-Magnus
2
I know this pales, but... I'm 65 (ugh) and have lived alone for many years. I just lost my beloved kitty of 19 years and it was a jolt the first time I did not take the left turn up the cat food aisle. I can't even look at it as I pass now.
39
So sorry for your loss. 19 years is a long time and grief is grief no matter who we're missing!
16
@Stevenz Our pets are our family members. I lost my cat of 16 years a few years ago and still think about him every day. I married later in life and my cat was my constant companion before that. I am sorry for your loss.
10
@Stevenz
*hugs*
Time will pass. It will get better. After a year or so, there will be a nice, lonely adult cat at the shelter, who needs you very badly. You will be ready. The cat food aisle won't be so bad when you have someone to love and feed.
Grief takes 2-5 years to process. People who are not grieving want it to take a month or two, but reality... 2-5 YEARS. Be gentle with yourself. You had a 19 year relationship with your kitty. Someday, you will be ready for another companion, but it's not right now. That's okay.
3
My spouse of thirty years is asleep in the other room right now. Reading this article made me get up and hug him. We are in our 50's. He does not have the family genetics that lead to long lives. My heart is breaking for all who are experiencing loss. Thank you for reminding me to be grateful for what I have at this moment in time.
38
Things I am trying, now 9 months after my husband died:
As I approach the grocery store, and the pangs of grief hit, I take them in, then say to myself, “I am a person who has loved and been loved, and I should behave accordingly.” I will keep trying to figure out something to eat that will nourish and comfort me, just as my spouse would have wanted me to, (and I would have wanted my spouse to have done, if I had died first). I will smile at babies-and other fellow shoppers. I will have tissues handy if the memories overcome me.
51
@Susan Dubowy Wow, so profound and helpful thank you for the healthy, supportive grieving experience.
9
@Susan Dubowy, you are off to a good head space in learning to live with your grief. I commented about a couple books that helped me above, but i forgot to mention a huge understanding i began to live: we are not alone, rather All One. Accepting that a part of me died, and a part of him lives on in me allowed me to turn toward those parts of him that i needed, humor, caring and friendliness when i needed them and give to myself/him while i was keeping us alive.
Taking care of ourselves is the first best way to love (and live) again, and that is all the recovery we can expect until we want more of life.
2
There are lonely single people who never had someone to eat with in the first place.
45
@Gentler Mayhem And your point is? This column wasn't about that topic.
3
@Mainz I gently disagree. While the title of the article itself references the pain of dining alone in the context of widowhood, the commentary within the article excerpts the challenge of solo dining after divorce ("Divorce brings its own grief") and in another example the liberation of dining on one's own terms and rediscovering a love of cooking after years in an oppressive marriage.
I might add to the broader topic too that there are many others who are neither divorced nor widowed, such as my brother, who experience similar fate when their spouse is suffering a slow but debilitating illness and can barely manage household chores (and often have to sleep many hours), let alone keep a regular meal schedule...they, like the widowed and divorced, likewise often find themselves at the dining table alone with a bowl of cereal. So I believe Gentler Mayhem's point is that a single person may well identify with the state of the widowed and other solo diners.
25
@Mainz
Well perhaps it should be. At least these people had years of being with a partner at mealtimes.Perhaps they should take comfort in that, and think about all the many people who have never experienced that, and for whom eating alone is a continuing source of pain and grief.
18
Six years and one month after my husband's death, I still have a difficult time cooking for one. I miss him coming into the kitchen, wrapping his arms around my waist as I stood at the stove and asking me, whatcha cookin'? I still miss him sneaking a peak inside a covered pot and me swatting his hand off the lid. I still miss him sweeping me into his arms and dancing me around the kitchen. And I miss his face glowing as he perused a row of fresh baked cookies and used his best Irish brogue to say, "look at the little darlin's."
I still miss him.
49
My spouse hasn’t died, but due to a progressive neurological disease he’s a quadriplegic with a feeding tube. Every so often I get the urge to cook again, but so often, I leave him at home with his aide and go out to eat out. It’s a form of self care, where I have someone to cook for me again.
24
@NVa Resident
*hugs*
Inasmuch as people do NOT understand death, people have EVEN LESS understanding of the grief that comes with losses that are "deaths that are not death."
1
This is the most depressing thing that I have read in a very long time.
Thank you.
It is real, it is undeniable and it is universal, no matter whether you are alone or blessed by the company of a soul mate. Perfect, I think, as we embark on the holiday season. Give thanks, really and truly.
36
Really and truly- you are right! We grew up saying a “blessing” at dinner. Nowadays, I’m not a regular church goer, but I still feel compelled to say “a blessing” before
the night time meal in particular. Maybe because of the beauty of the words we used as I grew up? (which work for all faiths - in my mind). “Lord, make us thankful for these, and all of our many blessings! Guide, keep and protect those whom we love.” AMEN.
Wow! I can relate to every person in this article.
Over eight years I cooked my way through the Silver palate cookbooks, le Cordon Bleu at Home and various other cookbooks and bon appétit recipes. everything from scratch -- from soup to dessert. For four nights out of each week.
After my partner died I survived for four months on Johnnie Walker and Mary Jane. There had to be solid food in there somewhere. I just don't remember much of it other than PB&J and cinnamon toast.
A friend who would watch our dog and the house whenever we travelled and had grown to expect delicious leftovers in the fridge summed it up best: "You know, your fridge is really boring since Woody died."
There is absolutely nothing worse than cooking for one.
14
We hadn't been married long and we were young. It was cancer. Our breakfast table is where he sat when he told me that spring that wanted me to date and be open to marrying again after he died. "You're a good wife," he said. "You deserve happiness again." I still tear up just writing that, 15 years later. So much love; so much grief! You learn to live with it. One of the first things I gave away when I moved was that breakfast table. Fifteen years later, I have a different breakfast table where I have made more memories with friends and family -- but when I'm alone, I still eat dinner on the sofa. And I'm so good at eating out alone that you know, maybe I need to work on inviting people to join me.
20
I am a widower and a divorced man. I can identify with many of the comments. However, even those folks that have not suffered loss have changed their eating habits in our convenience society.
Many have simply tired of cooking. It is a remarkable societal change. We surely cannot discount the microwave oven! It is more important than the range or oven to many singles. It is no longer just pizza delivery, you can actually get just about anything delivered in an urban area today. Some subscribe to delivered prepared meals. There are many food options, but few solutions to the lonliness that accompanies the loss of a loved one. The transition from husband or wife to survivor can be severly painful, and the older you are the more severe the pain seems to be because your options are so very limited.
14
In the last 5 years my husband and I have lost 2 adult children. The path of grief is arduous and crushing and heart-breaking, but having the opportunity to understand the experiences of others somehow does help to make the long journey to recover some parts of our lives more attainable. To that end, I'd like to share that for all who are suffering loss, whether for 6 weeks or 60 years, to take some time to listen to a televised interview which Anderson Cooper did with Steven Colbert. Both men lost their fathers and siblings at a young age, and their revealing discussion of the impact of loss and the grief journey may just about break your hearts (again). Yet, in listening to these 2 extraordinary men discuss their grief and that of their families, they share a deep understanding of the heavy load our hearts carry, while affirming that we can regain a productive, but altered life, which we never dreamed we would be living. Peace to all who are struggling here.
60
@Mrs M Peace to you and your husband too. I'm sorry you've had to face so much grief.
8
There is a lovely book by Judith Jones, who was the cookbook editor at Knopf (as well as the editor for John Updike, Anne Tyler and many others). She found & published Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking! She & her husband Evan always cooked together & it was difficult for her to regain her passion when he passed away. But she DID and wrote a great book called "The Pleasures of Cooking for One". And continued to make herself great meals for 20 years after Evan's death (she died in 2017 at 93). What I particularly liked was her insistence that a single person can still make a meal an event, w wine & candles AND at the table. I still follow her suggestion:-)
30
@P Johnson This book got me back into the kitchen again a month after my husband died. Even when I don't feel like cooking anything, it keeps me interested.
4
Thank you for this article. The stories and experiences shared has given me a better understanding what my mom is going through. She lost her husband and best friend a little over 4 years ago and while I’m devastated that my dad is gone, she is absolutely lost without him. My husband, son and I have her over for dinner and take her on vacation with us, thinking that maybe this would help keep the sadness at bay for a while. It didn’t occur to me that it may make her feel lonelier. As her daughter I find myself looking for ways to fix things so she will be happy again because I just can’t take seeing her waste her life being sad and not enjoying her day. Your article, and those who have shared their grief, has given to me a better perspective - going forward I will be more compassionate, hold her hand, give extra hugs and follow her lead as navigates her grief and the single life that has been thrust upon her.
Catherine
37
While this article focuses on the cooking and dinning alone after the death of loved one. I found myself experiencing many of the same feelings after my divorce. As bad as our relationship was, we still had many rituals that focused around food and dinning together.
Cooking and dinning alone is just not enjoyable. Thank goodness for meal delivery plan, CSA, and cafes.
7
Not long after my partner of 43 years died, I realized I was flunking viduity. I always did the cooking, but Peach did the dishes and kept the living room neat. I did as little of that as possible. The kitchen always looks like Idlib Province.
My MIL was a professional cook in her time, so she always presented some gustatory magnificence when we ate at her house. But alas, she wasn't Italian.
My lasagna was better. Even the freezer likes it.
7
Meal time is always tough for those alone, those who actually shared that once hallowed family time. It can be tough for those who move away from home, and find themselves alone and single in a strange place. "What? I'm not gathering with family at that special time of day?"
Its tough on anyone who lost a married/committed partner, even just a steady meal partner, be it romantic or a long term room-mate. Often its the only time of day that we get to sit down with family and friends and decompress. Even with all the food-issues and the complications they present - personally or with others.
Meal time has long been a sacred time for many of us. For me its always been the true middle of my day. It's the break with my "out-there in the wilds" life, and the time I take to prep for those wilds again the next day. Dinner is the true break of my day. No matter if I'm cooking (most times) or not. Its the rest period between periods. My/our halftime show. The truest time of day My Day, where all else is dropped and nothing matters but the nourishment and the person - or not - before me.
Its the best time of day. Where all else is dropped. Its why I never stopped making sure I'm home for that meal in except for all but the most extreme and pressing of life's issues. I can skip or delay breakfast or lunch, but not dinner.
Whether I was single or coupled-up - dinner time was and is sacrosanct.
3
Joanie, my dear Joanie, a former teacher from New York, never cooked herself. After all, she lived in New York and you could order any kind of food and have it delivered within minutes. When her husband died earlier this year it did not affect her cooking because she never cooked anyway.
However, her loss caused another form of grieving. She cannot sit in a restaurant with the seat opposite from her being empty. That's where her husband always sat. Whenever we go out to eat now, and that is quite often, I will sit in that opposite seat with my wife sitting next to me.
9
He’s been gone almost three years and it still hurts to see that empty chair at the dining room table. That’s why I eat in my bedroom. I don’t even cook real meals anymore. I’ll make myself a sandwich or soup and watch TV. Who am I going to cook for? We had candlelight dinners every night. It was our way of saying dinner time was always special. How I miss that.
14
My beloved wife currently has stage 4 breast cancer. Never considered this until reading this article...I can see how difficult it will be.
19
@Scott I just got done reading a NYT piece similar to this one on breast cancer, where a commenter has recounted her situation where her husband left after her diagnosis and how statistically so many men will do the same. I am sorry to hear of your situation and have the best of hope for you and your wife. But I also have to say that though it's an unfortunate reason, your comment has restored my faith in man-kind just a little.
I wish I had found this series sooner. It makes me feel better to know that others share my pain. My husband died five years ago and I still find it difficult to sit at the dining room table. I eat sitting in my husband's recliner watching tv. I am getting back to cooking, but it is difficult to find a recipe that doesn't feed four or six. There are cookbooks, cooking for two, but I cannot seem to get excited by the recipes. I still rely on tv dinners, but I am taking up stir-fries so I can control portion sizes and for my health. I wish I had found this series sooner. It makes me feel better to know that others share my pain. My husband died five years ago, and I still find it challenging to sit at the dining room table. I eat sitting in my husband's recliner watching tv. I am getting back to cooking, but it is difficult to find a recipe that doesn't feed four or six. There are cookbooks, cooking for two, but I cannot seem to get excited by the recipes. I still rely on tv dinners, but I am taking up stir-fries so I can control portion sizes and for my health.
15
@Bette Brohel Bette, my wife is still kicking but we live apart a lot of the time. I've always been the cook in the family.
Long ago I also ate a lot of TV dinners. For the last ten years or so, I've basically given them up. Nestle/Stouffers was caught with horse meat in the lasagne in the UK. (here's a link, in case anyone has doubts: https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-europe-21501943/nestle-removes-beef-pasta-meals-after-finding-horsemeat )
I have a suggestion for you. In the years since, having to cook for one, I've developed a lot of purpose-made, great quality frozen foods that I put up in single serving combos. You'd be surprised how many restaurants serve frozen product as fresh. If you like to cook, try making your own frozen meals. Not "leftovers," but recipes designed to be frozen fresh, and that are high quality when prepared out of the freezer. Cook six or ten servings, then put them up in single-serve portions. Try not to reheat stuff in the microwave whenever possible for best results.
You won't go back to commercial frozen meals, and you'll get your cooking mojo back, too.
15
@Charles Coughlin Thanks you, Charles.
1
@Charles Coughlin, i commented above since i am a widow. Learned to make large quantities of stuff i liked and freeze it in single portion zip bags. 12 meals of anything, such as homemade soup broth with (new) veggies fresh or frozen, mac 'n cheese, and even fish meals thaw and reheat easily on "sad days".
1
Christine
Mexico City
After a long pulmonary illness my husband of 47 years finally passed away. I always cooked and he and I loved to dine together. After he died I stopped cooking and when I got home after work I resorted to eating peanuts and drinking two scotches. It's now been almost seven years since his demise and though I now cook for company, the pain of his absence is still with me. Eating was a major part of our relationship. He often told me that I taught him how to eat well. I loved to cook for him!
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I am glad that others brought up the grief of relationships ending in divorce. When we separated, I could not eat for weeks. It would be cheese and crackers, a forced can of soup. Even now, I remain very food averse and usually just shop for my lunches for work. I go out more than I should. In the grocery store, I still cry, panic, or both. I used to get Blue Apron or Hello, Fresh but the amount of food was overwhelming and it would often go bad. I got sick of microwave meals. Shopping and cooking for him was one of my biggest joys. We occasionally have dinner together now and it brings me immense happiness.
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Reading these stories is difficult and heartbreaking. My husband of 30 years passed away 6 months ago after a short and tragic battle with cancer. I have lost 25 lbs. and don’t want to cook or sit at the kitchen table. I eat cereal standing at the counter. He was retired and always had a great dinner waiting for me when I got home from work. Meal time is torturous now. I thought I was the only one who associated food with loss and mealtime with crushing pain. I now know that I am not.
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Heartbreaking. Real (my partner died twenty years ago). Keep trying everyone. It doesn’t go away, but it gets better.
Thanks to everyone who shared their lives with us
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I think it's OK to cry in the grocery store. Why not? It's a way to express emotions. Seems to me that if you allow yourself to do so, maybe you'll feel a bit less of the stress that comes with loss.
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Our coffee became my dining room table (which I have since gotten rid of). And before I eat, I sit down with half of a gin martini, up with an onion. Keeping a bit of the ritual.
It’s been a couple of decades now.
10
Kasich was correct when he told all of us in USA to be good neighbors, show compassion and take the widows in our neighborhoods out to dinner.
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Don't know if this will get published, but to Ms. Burrows Grad, if the Times got your age right in the initial piece ... hats off to you!
Your determination to go on, and to eat well and healthfully certainly shows.
Good luck to all in their 'new normals'
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I so get this! I used to plan big meals on the weekend for my family and look forward to the prep. Now after hubby has passed and child has moved out, there is no thrill in cooking. I actually hate it now, because it reminds me of my loss. Funny how food makes the memories of life!
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I can relate as I lost my wife of 40 years about a year ago. I would pretty much do the cooking as I was retired but she was still working. Would always have dinner ready when she came home from work. Suddenly that need was gone. Lots of microwave stuff now. I do try to get the ‘healthier’ items though.
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For me it was a separation and divorce, from another man, one whom I had been with for 30 years. He did all the cooking because only he could ever do anything right. So in addition to never really having had to learn to cook as an adult, I also lost touch with all the things that I enjoyed eating, when he departed. Trips to Safeway and to Costco became tear inducing events. Trying to cook for one when you rarely ever cooked at all, caused anxiety. Four years later I've managed to survive, taught myself some kitchen skills, am a passable cook even if with a limited repertoire, but it's never really ever going to be quite the same and I still can almost not even bear the ritual of cooking. Door Dash is my new best friend and a meal service keeps me fed decently a few days a week. But a sense of sadness hangs like a pall over me when go about the act of trying to cook.
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My husband now is in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s. I don’t cook anymore. I eat mainly frozen dinners and yogurt for its calcium. Recently I set a goal for myself that I would eat one meal a week with someone else. And so I attend anything at my church which serves food, occasional lunches out with friends, and holiday parties at the local senior center.
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@mwm I appreciate your comments about seeking out opportunities to eat with others. I often wonder why we don't have churches focused on common meals on a regular basis.
I had a similar experience as Alice Masters (Withering Alone) in your article. After Dan passed from cancer at 44, I fed our school-age kids whatever was brought to us in the generous meal train a friend coordinated. I ate barely anything, and became severely anemic. I lost 25 pounds that I didn't have to lose. I dreaded going to the grocery store.
Four years later, I am eating well but still suffering health effects from the first year after he passed.
I am quite sure I would have died of a broken heart if I had been older and my body not as young and strong.
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This column touched me deeply but I, too, am here to say the “hate/dread eating alone” thing is not just the province of the widowed. Other divorced people have chimed in already about their unhappiness at becoming suddenly single.
Of course, losing a spouse is terrible. But at least the widowed can be comforted by sympathy and warm memories. We the divorced get neither. Eating meals alone is our “punishment” for the “crime” of being uncoupled in a world that values pairs.
Eating alone sucks. No matter how it happened. Thanks for telling us we may be alone at the table but we are not alone in our grief.
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@Ellen Ross this is a great comment. My own Mother (widowed at age 52) used to say that death, socially anyway, is better than divorce. In death you get unending sympathy, in divorce you get none.
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Dammit NYT, just when I think I'm over being broken, you go and remind me that I'm not. We separated with the intent of rebooting our marriage after 16 years. But he died before we could rejoin. I would take him food or invite him over to eat. He loved my cooking like no other. Then he asked me to stop. When I asked why, he said "your cooking always puts me to sleep and when I wake up, my lizard brain looks for you and then I remember that you're not there."
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After her death i could not stand to be myself anymore as to organize any meal, the both of us love cooking which makes been together preparing meals during dinner very pleasurable as we sometime switch who cooks, with both of us singing together or playing favorites with some wine, when i lost her on plane crash during her business trip to our apartment buildings in an island country, i could not help it but to start eating out, when i traveled to the island where we have the apartment building i felt so guilty why wasn't i the one who was on the trip and the pain made me leave the apartment building until is started deteriorating that i have to place it on aunction thinking that it will solve the problem but it didn't. even when we have our most valued assets, our son i still can't enter the kitchen without feeling some emptiness.
We love traveling, we always travel together when i am off work, when she left me alone in this world i could not easily stand it until i decided to leave home to work with United Nations Volunteers caring for Refugees.
Sometimes when i see those who have lost their loved ones in death in the war zone it makes me feel so sad or even weep but as i have come out to put joy and give hope to the hopeless, i just have to couple myself and make others happy, this gives me some sense of reason to live and enjoy life.
it's not an easy thing when i am on holiday because i just have to face the emptiness like it was only yesterday.
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@Michael Xavier Hamilton
Reaching out is the best thing you can do for yourself. How blessed you were to have a loving relationship that meant so very much to you. I know it does not help much but it truly is a blessing. Alas, all living things die and we are little prepared for it. When you truly understand, you can live and enjoy life again as you are trying to do. It certainly is never the same but it can be good again. To those who reach out to their newly uncoupled friends and have dinner and invite out, this is a a god send to those people who are used to that part of being a a happy couple. Would that the world would take a lesson and teach their 6 year olds not to make fun of anyone. We all get to be young, we don't all get to be old. There is wisdom in all of us. If we truly judge others by the content of their character, nothing else would matter. Age, sex, marital status, political or religious leanings, single or not, parent or not, etc, etc. Get to know someone you have not known before. Join a group that is of interest to you, take up a hobby. Live until you die. Enjoy others joy. I believe most people are good inside and doing the best they can.
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I had a Costco ritual with my dad growing up. I was not able to walk into any Costco without crying for a year after he was gone.
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I've had so many losses to overcome. A divorce after 26 years married. The death of my daughter and both parents. It's been hard. I've given my time to introspectiveness and grief.
I had to let it all pass through to remember my own dreams.
This passage of time has turned me forward. My love of cooking has returned. I went out and bought a freezer. I cook good meals and divide them now in pouches to freeze. I have cut my food down to less than half of what I was spending. I place my pouches out to thaw and within an hour I have a good meal without having to cook over and over again.
I went thought a long period of eating whatever was easy and it's very wasteful and expensive. Not the best diet for taking care of yourself.
All the receipes I've saved I'm cooking now. All healthy and I feel so much better and alive. My meals stretch out now for two months or more. It is stress free dining.
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@Natica Garrison
I don't know where you got your intestinal fortitude but good on ya for making the best of a bad situation. All we can do is change ourselves. We can't change what happened but draw on our reserves from the good we have had. Some pull out and some don't. What choice do we have but to carry on and be as happy as possible. We have to choose hope. We all go through crap sometimes. Before my friend Nancy(the social glue at work and at home) wife, mom, friend indeed, died of a brain tumor, she told her husband to make sure he found a new wife and he did soon after she succumbed.
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Lost my husband five months ago. Neither of us was into elaborate food, so my biggest issue has been in quantity prepared rather than quality. I don't mind having the same thing three or four nights in a row. But I miss the dinnertime discussions.
10
Thirteen years ago this month, I went to the supermarket when it was all over. My husband had passed suddenly, and all the casseroles in the freezer were eaten, and my kids were sick of McDonald's and pizza. I walked in with my shopping cart and saw the display of Coca Cola. This was usually my first stop, as he drank it often. Instead of picking up six bottles on sale, I turned around, left the store, and sat in my car sobbing.
I eventually found my love of cooking again, if only because my kids were still little. We baked, we roasted, we poached, we sauteed. But now both are away at different schools, and I took myself out to dinner on Wednesday, for lobster. I ate dinner at a quiet table, wishing he was there. Not just for the company, but because he loved the dining out experience.
Getting married again would be easy for me. I can cook, am financially independent, and mostly have my home to myself. But I'd rather settle for takeout Chinese food than settle for a partner who was nothing special.
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@Detkar *nods* For me it was the Mt. Dew. Always hated the stuff, but he drank it like an elixir.
7
These rituals are deeply missed when altered. When my sons went off to college, each aisle in the grocery store seemed to haunt. When my mom died, the ache of not picking up things for her that she needed or might delight in, was an ache like no other. I have a dependent adult son who is fed by hand 5 times a day. I try to be present for every feed that we share as I know when he is gone, I will not know how to get thru a day.
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Very interesting and poignant collection of anecdotes from people who've lost their loved ones. I guess, to judge from this article, gay people are still invisible, unless there's a special gay-oriented feature. Just a bit odd in 2019.
7
@ronnyc Those are your assumptions. As a queer-identified person, it makes me ache to see this sort of comment in the midst of those who grieve. Loss is universal.
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You can feel their pain which I share. The grief never passes you just find a place to put it so that you don't see it so often.
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This is a subtle nudge for those of us fortunate enough to have a partner to take care of our friends who may enjoy a family dinner once or twice per week.
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@Ellen O’Hara It would be a wonderful gift. I am single, and my married cousins never invite me. I have built friendships, but trying to fill nights and weekends is a challenge that never ends.
3
No one died in my story, she just left 12 years ago, clothes still in the closet, jewlry still on the dresser. Despite raising our niece, still with me but going to college, we weren't much of a legs-under-the-table dining couple. Both busy, we'd have the occasional BBQ, etc.. My niece's college schedule regularly left out lunch. I'd occassionally make her favorite salmon dish, which she loved. Pizza-in and soshi-out. But when she had a big test I'd make my test-day omlet, driving her to the university so she could study to the last second. She's 4th year at University of Colorado medical school. Now, when I visit, I'm tempted to make her omlets.
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I thankfully have not experienced the loss of a spouse, but after my mother’s death several years ago, I could not bear to cook any of her specialties for a very long time. She lived just a few miles away; I did not enter “her” neighborhood grocery store for nearly a decade. Grief is a much longer, more complex and individualized journey than many people realize, and the rituals of gathering, preparing, and sharing food are so embedded in our relationships that it is no wonder the loss of a partner or other loved companion deeply affects us so deeply. I empathize with all who shared their poignant stories.
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I totally understand from a different perspective. Prior to my divorce and experiencing PAS (Parent Alienation) I was the main cook, marketing person and so much more to my ex and my children. Same thing but a different death and grief. But overtime something good came from it that I share, I like to market, cook and then take my food to homeless people that are hungry along my street. It gave me that feeling that I was missing. So, I do understand and people who experience this need to connect to others that are suffering too.
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@Laurie S. I share your specific situation. Thank you for the encouragement.
It never dawned on me - until I experienced it, going to the supermarket is one of the main triggers to my grieving. I usually hold the tears off until I get to the parking lot, but over and over again it happens. After over a year of my wife's death I still find myself buying things that she liked and I really did not care for, getting home and asking myself, "why did I buy that"? I still cook for two and usually end up throwing her share out. Now I have started to buy for one and so appreciate the understanding smile of perceptive and understanding store attendants that give me a compassionate smile. God Bless Them - one and all!
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Why can we not set up a common 'tea and snacks' say once a week for people who have to eat alone, it could be a 'pot luck dinner too which can then grow into going for movies/ plays or just sharing a coffee by the sea and watching the sunset.
There is NO substitute for human company and with so many of us older, single for whatever reason eating and spending time together. It could be set up in a Community centre or apartment complex 'clubhouse' and people living nearby could participate.
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@bindu621 will be lovely
9
Hugs to you all as you adjust to your losses. If my apt were clean enough I'd invite you to dinner!
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@Valerie K I think lonely people don't care whether your apartment is clean or the meal elaborate. It's the companionship that is missed.
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