Achingly beautiful. My best to you and your daughter.
6
The awful conditions innocent children had to live in - fifty thousand of them - during the Barack Obama era of fenced-off squares of concrete floor were indeed inhumane.
Thank God Pres. Trump has fixed that, with half as many kids sent to actual homey environments with teachers and daily practice on their English.
The famous pics of kids and families in concrete-floored warehouses usually have Jeh Johnson pictured.
He was Obama's guy, and his quotes of how things have changed since 2016 are good reading for those worried about the kids.
There is a company in Maine that will take sweaters and make them into mittens. The owner started doing this because a friend had her mom's sweater. The mom had passed away, but the daughter couldn't wear the sweater for some reason, but she loved the mittens created from the sweater. The owner said she often talks to whoever mails her the sweater to get a good idea of what she should do with the sweater.
It is a nice way of keeping a memory alive.
4
Thank you. Beautiful.
1
Thank you Ms. Santos.
1
In addition to gifting US with your sensitive sharing, and
finding the right people to clothe
disempowered-strangers; each with
names, histories, hopes and aspired-to-futures,
whose diverse identities have been stereotyped into
negative-valenced-to-BE-feared “illegals’,
you have presented US with a much needed
example of mutual trust. Mutual respect. Menschlichkeit.
Civility and sensitive caring. Mutual help, when needed.
During, and within, a toxic, infectious WE-THEY
American culture which enables, and even fosters,
violating “the other,” by words and deeds. Daily.
Thank you for your gifting. BEing. DOing. Abrigado!
4
To all the people questioning why the author had to bring immigration and Trump into such an article, which was supposed to be about grief and closure: did you not notice you were reading the Opinion section?
4
You have written, of course, not so much about your husband's clothes, or even about his death. You have honored him and your love by reminding us of the dreadful injustices going on to this day in a country in which the word "Shame" seems to have lost its meaning. Thank you.
2
With all due respect to Ms. Santos' mother, she should cry into her husband's shirts to the end of her days. I find it touching, sweet, selfless, giving---so many tender, beautiful qualities all at once.
What is it with this 'there must be closure!' nonsense? In Victorian days, a widow would grieve and wear black for a year---then grieve a whole lot longer. Why do we insist that someone "get over it" before they're truly over it?
Let the teardrops fall until you-know-what and your teardrops frieze over, Ms. Santos!
3
"Scots-Irish and French Canadian from his side, and indigenous, Portuguese and African from mine. I sometimes called her “a mutt.” He called her “the perfect American.”..... This is where our strength coms from. This is what makes America exceptional. This is what makes America great. This is the America I know and love. What is wrong too many of my fellow citizens? Where did this ugliness come from? When will this nightmare end?
9
So true. My father died @ 65 after a year and a half of battling leukemia. As he was dying he offered his possessions but I didn't see the need. We had what to emulate to and didn't see the need for extra chattel. Guess what as soon as he died everything became so sentimental I regret not taking him up on his offer. The lesson is take some mementos and don't be so matcho....
3
The truth is that developed nations can't save those who had the misfortune of living in tyranny or the third world.... There are literally billions too many to save. Progressive Americans must learn to accept their good luck of the draw on planet Earth... You were born in a wealthy, relatively safe nation. Seriously, the classic Ted Talk: Immigration, World Poverty, and Gumballs (YouTube it folks) should be required viewing in every G7 nation.
2
You can’t have a nation without enforcing its borders.
3
You just made him give life
2
when god lets my body be from each brave eye shall sprout a tree
1
I clicked on this article expecting to read a first-person account about dealing with grief from the loss of a spouse.
What I got was another NYTimes piece about the nobility of illegal aliens, and a lecture on how we must open our borders to anyone who wants to come here.
I stopped reading about half-way through, since I've already read hundreds of pieces in the Times telling me that we must have open borders.
I was interested to find out how the author dealt with her husband's belongings, but not enough to wade through all the propaganda.
Goodwill!!
thank you
I am glad your husband's clothes found new owners and thanks for the reminder..... the reminder of exactly when this normalization of the abnormal started : 1/20/17. we have come so far from those first ugly days that now we are in danger of accepting treason as legal and normal.
1
Thank you.
My father died pretty soon after my mother did. It fell to me to go through their things and decide what to do with them. It was by turns amusing (the contents of cans of Mountain Dew had developed the China Syndrome), revelatory (my elementary school report cards were there), happy (every so often I'd find a wad of cash that had been hidden away), and sad...just deeply sad.
But my folks were unerringly generous and it was somewhat healing to give away the bulk of their belongings. Without doubt, that would make them very happy. There by myself in their tiny, poorly lighted mobile home, I told them somebody would love to get this and that.
28
I was actually reluctant to read this because I too lost my life partner of 25 years to cancer last year, and didn't know exactly what to do with his clothes. So I began to wear them every day, as we wore the same size and had similar taste in almost everything (music, politics, sports, religion, sex, etc.). I realized that I had to mix and match his clothes with mine so that my family and friends wouldn't look at me like I had lost my mind.
And one day I decided to take half of his and half of my clothes to Out of the Closet, a non-profit that sells used articles and supports people living with HIV-AIDS, which Terry remarkably had survived just a few yers before dying of cancer.
I went back a few weeks later and saw some of our clothes on the racks, with perfect strangers touching garments that were not theirs. It was a horrible, emotionally devastating moment.
But every day I realize that what was once mine, what was once his, what was once ours, is now helping others who have the misfortune of suffering as Terry once suffered.
And I realize now that I am the lucky one who didn't get AIDS, cancer, or any other devastating disease that has brought unbearable sadness to millions of other unfortunate human beings like Terry.
7
I, too, lost a loved one and stored
their belongings in a closet for 3 years before I could even open the large blue tote. As the holidays near, I occasionally will open the closet and look in hoping to see it. I don’t know which is worse grieving or letting go.
6
Sorry for your loss. It is such a difficult time. Older friends say to donate men's clothing to veterans organizations. Typically they will be picked up at your home. This is the case in my area of the country.
1
When I was 21 years old and holding my first real job, with barely enough to pay rent, a much older co-worker died suddenly in his sleep of a heart attack. It was shocking. But about a week after the funeral his widow called to see me and brought with her his beautiful Brooks Brothers and Abercrombie & Fitch suits and coats so they would continue going to the office, even if he could not. She couldn't bear them going to a stranger and needed to know they would be put to good use. It transformed me and imbued me with a seriousness in my work that I hadn't felt before, fresh out of College. This was the foundation of my office attire for the next five or six years and I have never forgotten this couple.
30
For those touched by this story, I strongly recommend reading through the Reader and NYT Picks. What a tribute to humanity they are! Thank you for starting this conversation, Fernanda Santos.
9
Fernanda, thank you so much for this beautiful message. My husband has severe cognitive injury resulting from cancer, is now cancer-free but with little chance of cognitive improvement, and will never again practice his profession. He could live indefinitely. I am not ready yet to give away his business clothing, in which he always looked handsome and accomplished. His personality has changed so much that I still need to bury my face in his clothes to bring him back. But you have inspired me to anticipate joy rather than sorrow when the time comes to find the right people to wear his clothes.
17
What a timely column. My wife died two weeks ago, so far I haven't been able to bring myself to pick up her clothes, let alone wash them and figure out what to do with them. Thanks to you and others in the comments for some nice ideas to consider when that time comes.
17
Fernanda, thank you so much for sharing your story. And I am so very sorry for your loss of your young husband.
My father died in 1999. I was 47 with two small children who adored him. And he adored them. I went to my parents home two days after his death. My mother and brother had already cleaned out his closet and drawers and put everything on the curb in bags for garbage pick up the day before. I have almost no personal mementos of my dad. He had a feeding tube at the time of his death and I'll never be able to shake the suspicion that my mother poisoned him. She was angry that he was sick, it was so inconvenient.
She died - of pancreatic cancer - in 2011. I don't miss her.
5
Thank you for writing this. My mother struggled with the same things when my father was killed. She was 46. Today, I struggle with giving away what’s left of her clothes. I placed her in assisted living 2 years ago and prior to her diagnosis of a fast acing dementia. I held on to a small portion of her nice clothes in the hope she would get well.
I know I have to let them go.
7
So sad it makes me cry. I haven't been able to give away anything of my husband's yet except his truck to my grandson. He was in the Navy 30 years including Viet Nam. I must give them to the homeless veterans, that's a no brainer. Whoever thought the words "homeless veterans" and "kids in cages" would be so common in our country. We must do better than this.
14
My husband died at age 48 in a car accident. He was unfortunate enough to be in just the wrong place to stop for left hand turn. It was March 30 2003, just after (or was it just before?) the Iraq invasion. Such a blur. Two young boys, one bio age 9, one adopted from Bulgaria 2 years prior, age 8. A mess. I still have the leather bomber jacket he was wearing when he died, cut away by EMT personnel. Someday I'll make small leather wallets for everyone. Just not yet.
10
You should see a doctor. Explain how you feel. I believe you are depressed and need something to get you through this year. If your children are there I hope they talk to you and with you.
Apparently you were married To a joyous person.
There are many people out there, like the salvation army who would wear and cherish his clothes. Think of the future. Think of him. And what would he do. And in those dark times think of the happiest and funniest times you had!
People around you maybe they don’t deserve a smile, but what would your husband say. What would your husband do. Life is a challenge. One step at a time.
4
On a different note, when my father passed away we gave away most of his clothing. I took all his ties and wove them into a decorative pillow for my mother. She loved it and has photos of him wearing some of the ties. It has pride of place on the living room sofa. Most items helped other people, some helped my Mom.
11
Dear Ms. Santos,
Your poignant story encapsulates the state of our country today, but hopefully not tomorrow. My sincere condolences and thank you for sharing.
10
"I wished Trump knew the immigrants we know, all these good, honest people"
The writer's husband was a man with a good heart and an open mind. The world needs more people like him. RIP.
That said, Trump did state that same line, without exuding that same sentiment: "I assume some of them are good people".
1
@Jason - - The REASON this message galvanized the voters of America to send Mr. trump to the White House is all the crimes illegals commit and the jobs lost even by college-trained Americans to foreigners, both with green cards, etc., or just uninvited guests.
You or I may not have thought that would win an election, but it was a huge factor.
Are you old enough to remember a time when discussion of sad events like we see in our writers' life would NOT have become a dog whistle for political thinkers to chime in on their hatred for the President and how it has altered how they see literally everything?
Fernanda--
One of the wonders of this country, is that beautiful people continue to exist here...perhaps as balance?
Norman
6
Difficult and loving story. It took me two years to give away most of his things. Three years ago his very good friend (and mine) and his dear wife came for a short visit and we went through his closet for friend to take some clothing he liked. Last year my daughter and the kids were here and with her help I donated the suits and dress shirts to their high school in NH for the students to wear for job interviews. Other things to the grands like cowboy boots, watches, etc. Took me a long time to get there but when I did I felt relief and happiness. Oh, and my grandsons were thrilled to get all the ties, from the early ‘60’s on.
7
I read this the day it was published online. One day earlier, a woman named Princess drove up to my house in a big gray van to pick up my dead husband's clothes, a year after he died. I had agonized over how I would ever pack them up from the closet we had shared, similar to Ms. Santos and her husband. And what to do with them. I would stand and look at the shirts, neatly hung, memories attached to each one. I found an organization in my city that gives donated clothes to men going on job interviews. My husband had been a psychiatrist; he was the most caring man I have ever known. The cancer that stormed through his body and ultimately killed him was paralleled in its course by the destruction Trump was wreaking in our country. We watched the news in shock together each night until he died, unable to make sense of malignancy in the human body or in the acts of our president.
I cried as Princess helped me move the clothes out. And I thought of the men who would wear a piece of my husband as they tried to find work, to support their families, to take care of our community in a variety of ways. The right people to give his clothes to.
21
This one Opinion by Fernanda Santos is one of the most moving and multi-dimensional of all NYT Opinion pages I’ve ever read. Claire’s comments in Reader Picks is a poetry of life, nature, death, and returning the richness of our Life to others who come after us. Thank you all for messages worth sharing with our loved ones.
7
What a beautiful essay and tribute to the love you and your husband shared. May the days and years to come be filled with optimism and fulfillment of your dreams - you, your daughter, your extended family, all of us.
5
My mum passed away in April this year and you just don’t think about the cold practicalities involved in sorting through her clothes, scarves, makeup, handbags, perfume, jewelry - all the elegant items that she collected so meticulously and cherished when she was here. We gave them to her sisters, our aunts and in-laws, and I had to be very detached from it all because otherwise it would just be too difficult. Thank you for sharing.
10
My beautiful, brilliant, athletic, theatrical, artistic, kind 20 year old son died in a tragic accident this summer and I have been giving away his clothes to friends, family members, and Salvation Army. Was trying to figure out what to do with his ski jackets and winter coats and after reading this piece I am going to give them to the homeless. I am going to have his dress suit tailored so I can wear it to the once per year fancy party we have at work. I hope his stuff can bring joy to other people.
18
Like you, my husband died from pancreatic cancer, thirty one days after diagnosis. He, too, was young, dying at the age of 51. My husband was an immigrant to this country, and loved the United States. He tended towards conservatism until, that is, George W. Bush, who pushed him to be a liberal, like me. He could not understand why his beloved nation elected a fool. Just before his death in 2008, he was contemplating whether to vote for Hilary Clinton, Obama, or John Edwards, whose message of the two Americas really struck home for him. Although my own father was depressed that he might not live to see the end of the Bush administration, it was my husband who did not. If he had lived to see trump, I'm sure the moving van would have been long in front of our home. His clothing presented an obstacle. In the end, I gave everything away to his best friend's son. HIs friend packed up four suitcases full of the stuff, trekked it through the airport and customs. I wish I had the author's patience and courage to wait and give the clothes to someone who really needed them. Instead, seeing them in our closet created overwhelming sadness for me. I never went through pockets, I never really considered much. Only my pain. Now, eleven years later, knowing everything I know now, I know I made a mistake. The author demonstrated unbelievable strength and resilience in the face of a terrible situation and is to be commended for her decision. I only wish I had been as wise.
13
This is one of the finest pieces of writing I've seen in years.
From start to finish, Fernanda Santos takes the reader on a heartfelt journey rife with meaning and consequence.
I'm amazed at how she was able to take her husband's death and turn it into an unabashed commentary on the immigration debacle currently engulfing our country.
Her husband's belongings pass from her life to the lives of innocent immigrants whose only crime is to want to live freely and safely. Never has grief been more palpable and more desperate.
I grieve with you, Ms. Santos. Your words will see you through.
13
My father passed away suddenly in January 1997, at age 76. He owned his own small business and worked Monday through Friday, 6 am, through 6 pm, including a 60 minute commute each day from home.
My mother had a part-time job on the weekends.
So, on the weekends, my father bargained shopped.....for food, household supplies, and also for clothing.
At some point, actually when he turned 50 (mid-life crisis, maybe), my father became a clothes horse. Sounds crazy, but he loved looking good and current. He was a great bargain shopper. And, for designer clothing. Not the A+ level, but high quality.
About 2 months after he passed away, my mother, my sister and I chose 2-3 sweaters or shirts to keep for ourselves, and then we packed everything else up and drove down to the Homeless Veterans Shelter in downtown Boston and gave it all to them.
We did not ask for a receipt, and we knew that a lot of the clothing was a bit more stylish or whatever than what the Veterans would wear normally. But the reason we chose that place was because we knew that the clothing would go directly to the homeless Veterans. Not be funneled through a nonprofit (but really profit) resale store.
I actually saw some men wearing my gathers clothing on the streets of Boston. That made me smile, and know that we did the right thing.
21
Thank you Fernanda. Another heart-opening piece -what the world needs.
5
We have a saying around our house: If we can no longer use it, donate it. In cases like this, I see no reason not to hang onto a few things of your husband's. (Consolations on your loss.) It sounds like you made a good decision for not only yourself, but on behalf of your husband.
For others who are reading, I must share that our son, as a poor college student, shopped exclusively at thrift stores. He refuses to buy anything new. Now, as a poor school teacher, he continues to buy all his clothes from thrift shops which all raise money for social assistance (jobs programs, Habitat for Humanity, battered women's shelters, etc.).
By the way, he always dresses very nicely. Who will wear donated clothes? Those who feel as strongly about social causes as you. I congratulate you on your heart-healing decision.
9
They are just clothes. Let those who need them decide who's to wear them. Give them to a charity of your choice. As one who is going to be in the situation of not wearing my clothes in the not too distant future. I've discussed this with my bride of 54 years. We agree. We will both have better feelings if she donates my clothes to Good Will and Common Good, a national and local charity respectively. She can get on with good memories of our lives together without parsing feelings down to clothes. Instead she says she'll good memories of our social deeds by knowing others will benefit.
5
I'm crying. My husband died in 2014, and I gave most of his clothes to a place that helps the homeless and low income. It was over time, and in dribs and drabs, but I did it. I kept a few shirts and I can wear his jeans. But there were certain persons I gave clothes to who were special. Thank you.
9
I am astonished.
Why would this piece rate a place on the front page, albeit a side bar of the New York Times?
When a loved one dies, in one's own time, the clothing and personal effects are given to charity. End of life. Closure is personal and unique to each person. Full Stop.
Pointless and maudlin.
8
@miriam summ I thought it was beautiful and it made me weep. The key to great writing it to take the unique and personal and make it universal. That mission was accomplished.
23
@miriam summ - "Closure is personal and unique to each person." Yes.
And yet, if you read through the comments, you will find comments from people who found closure the same way, and comments from others who have taken inspiration from Ms. Santos' column to reach a closure they had so far been unable to find.
And, of course, many comments from people who found that the column connected them in a human way with another person that they don't even know (other people, I mean - not you).
9
Your husband is so happy.
6
You are such an American. Thank you.
8
I’ve been waiting almost 4 years after my darling husband’s death to deal with his clothes. I’ve made attempts, but find it too upsetting. After reading this, I will try again. He would approve of his clothes helping migrant families. And I will feel good about it too.
15
My husband died in early 2015. His clothing that still had useful life I donated to a local veterans' group. But his hats, which truly defined him, needed special thought. One July day I spread them out on the porch to air out a bit. Denise, who delivers our mail, noticed an Austrian hat purchased on a ski trip many years ago. "That would be perfect for the German fest that I attend each year." So I lent it to her for the Fest. She returned it with a picture and words of appreciation. At Christmas time I gave her the hat, knowing that my husband would be glad that someone else can take such pleasure it it.
11
My husband, too, died of pancreatic cancer less than three months after his diagnosis. But he also had frontotemporal dementia which, as a friend of mine expressed it," turns them into monsters at the end." For years I mourned the disappearance of the amazing man who convinced me to leave my native Denmark and assume the dual identity of a happy, well integrated immigrant. He had hospice care at home, and my moment of peace came after he slid into a coma and finally stopped breathing. The handsome man I fell in love with was back, gazing with unseeing eyes at the California landscape he loved, right out there in front of his hospital bed. I held his hand as it grew cold and stiff and finally called the hospice team to come and get him. Then I could cry with equal parts sorrow and relief.
21
Thank you for sharing this. I hope you find comfort. I know those you’ve given his clothing to will. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. I’m so sorry for your loss....may we all find strength in you sharing this.
12
My parents died this year. Nu-Day Syria of NH picked up more than 50 bags of their warm clothes to be shipped to Syria. It was the smallest thing we could do to help those who are neglected in this worn-torn area.
16
I've held on to a dingy, holed white t-shirt that my dad wore often. It sits in a small box in the closet with his eye glasses, passport and ID's. I go to it often as a reminder of him.
10
God bless you!
America's heathen hedonist pagan President and his ' Christian' Vice President haven't accepted and practiced the message of Jesus Christ of Nazareth embodied in Matthew 19: 24; 25: 31-46.
It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of needle than for a rich man to get into Heaven.
While the most beloved of God and Jesus destined for and deserving of eternal blessed salvation are the poor, the homeless,the hungry, the naked, the despairing, the sick, the stranger and the imprisoned.
Only the Three Marys were present at the Crucifixion, the Empty Tomb and first sighting of the risen Christ.
7
You are a lovely person. I am sure your husband was happy with your choice.
7
Now just imagine having to do that for your son, like I had to.
6
@michouavl My condolences. I pray your son finds eternal peace.
1
This is a very touching story, about a woman who made the best of a sad situation. Three thoughts come to mind. 1) the solution she found was wonderful! 2) the person who reprimanded her for going into the closet to smell her husband's clothes had no business doing that - why shouldn't she? I did the same thing for a while. There's no right or wrong way to mourn. 3) if others are out there trying to decide what to do with their dead spouse's clothes, here's an idea for what you can do with some of them, in addition to donating them as this woman did. You can have a quilt made of some of their clothes. I had three made with my husband's: one for me, one for each of his children. The person who made mine has retired, but you can Google "memory quilts."
8
I have a pair of shorts which I got from a work colleague whose husband died of cancer (she was selling some of his clothing at a street fair). Thise shorts have been on every long bike tour (6+ weeks) we've done for the last 9 years. I like to think Allen would approve.
9
So sorry for your loss.
5
Stories like this make me so angry at our horrible "president", may he rot in jail.
21
@Erik Frederiksen But most readers here interpret her answer to her question “Who will wear my dead husband’s clothes?” as her attempt to recover from her grief. She honors his memory, giving his clothes to immigrants like herself, as once he gave her emotional clothing. However, she, like the other immigrants seeking asylum and economic security here, support people breaking our immigration laws to enter our country. Illegal immigrants ironically fled their countries when no government authority observed their laws, immigration or otherwise, so basic security ceased, and there was only law of the jungle. Blame Trump all you wish, but if we ignore enforcement of our immigration laws and border security, how long before the people breaking them begin to ask that our other laws not be enforced, when they, like their countrymen, feel the need to get something by ignoring them? Isn’t that the Times editorial board and Democratic charge against Pres. Trump? Isn’t his alleged failure to uphold our Constitution the basis of their wish that he be impeached? What about the illegal immigrants? Which immigration laws do they uphold when they refuse to declare themselves to our Customs and Border officials?
@Erik Frederiksen
What is there to be angry about?
Good economy, following the rule of law, etc.?
Illegal alien actually means what it states.
MAGA 2020
1
@Bayou Houma Sorry trump is making asylum seekers into illegal immigrants. He fans hate which is why I for the first time have no respect for him or any of his supporters.
When I die I want my wife to stuff all my clothes in a black trash bag and give it to the local church that distributes to the needy for free, not Goodwill or the like who shreds most to rags for China and then SELLS the rest to the needy. If I'm given time by knowing I have a terminal illness, I take care of this myself and spare her from doing it.
10
I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband personified what America should be in every way. His draft email to you, simple and direct, reveals not only his sadness but the feeling of millions of Americans. Trump, in just a short while, has transformed everything in America for the worse, throwing aside our shared values in his every word and action.
10
I read this and am released from shame and anger for the few moments that your words, your suffering, and your decency take hold of me.
7
What else is there to do with clothes?
My father died at age 93.
When my mother was ready, she went through his things
What could be donated and given away was given to charity organizations (my father took very good care of his things, especially his shoes, but 40-50 year old shoes, it was hard to give away, nobody would take them).
The few things left are still in his closet.
They don't bother anybody.
6
@Joshua Schwartz It is the memories, and the emotional connection to those clothes, that make it so hard.
Terrific story. I was so absorbed in the words that I forgot where it was heading until the last sentence. Just a wonderful message, thank you!
11
This story is very touching, as are the stories and sentiments in the comments. I lost my mom in September after her decades-long fight against breast cancer ended.
Years after her first diagnosis and treatment (and the cancer in remission), she returned to graduate school and earned both her Masters and Doctorate in Mass Communication and Public Relations. She won a position as an assistant professor while completing her dissertation on how the media frames stories of immigrants, and how that portrayal changes over time when a refugee population arrives, settles and integrates (or doesn't) into a community. She accomplished all this as the cancer intruded back into her life. She was deeply hurt and angered by the election of Trump along with the hatred and intolerance that it brought to the surface. She stopped talking to siblings who voted for him, as she felt betrayed.
She gave gifts often, despite that she was not 'well off' and struggled to provide for her family. We began the process of giving away her clothing before she passed, donating much of her professional wardrobe to Dress for Success, which focuses on the needs of low income women. It felt important that she knew we would continue to honor her generosity of spirit. My current challenge is to find the best home for her modest library of books on immigration and woman's studies. As would have been her wish, the books should be in the hands of those inspired to read and write from them.
9
Sometimes we need to read about beautiful emotional situations. We have tears in our eyes. Many thanks. We had seen several of our heroes being emotional, Luciano Pavarotti, Sidney Poitier, Johnny Cash, Julie Andrews, Carole King, to mention a few. No, they were not acting. Oh, Bill Clinton had tears when listening "Amazing Grace" and "I'll fly away"
Dictators never cry. Stalin, Pinochet, Castro, Putin, Assad, Maduro in tears? No way.
7
My father-in-law died in February 2017 and, when my mother-in-law came over for Passover that April, she brought some of his clothing items that my sons nor I wanted. When my nephew, brothers-in-law and other male guests went down to my basement and each came up with one or two to take home, my mother-in-law was thrilled! She still talks about it.
7
Wonderful and heart-warming story, Ms. Santos.
Wherever we take such donations, it's best to be a place where the recipient's political beliefs, if any, don't matter.
Recalling the story of the Good Samaritan, we must care for one another regardless of gender or race.
4
This is exacltly what infuriates me about today's so-called "religious" right. People like Mike Pence. Pence talks all the time about being a Christian when, in my opinion, he doesn't act like a religious person at all. This is my biggest fear about an impeachment/trial in the Senate. If it results in a President Pence, there's no real benefit if it doesn't also result in the severe tarnishing of tRump's associates. Otherwise, it's not worth doing.
5
@Janh
What in the world of wacky does donating clothes have to do with the religious right or left?
Helping others in need with our surplus is a golden rule. Pence has nothing to do with it, and neither does....well, you pick among the 22 who don't get it either.
1
Dear Fernanda, My condolences. You have taught me so much by telling us the path you have traveled. Your faith that a path would open up gave me strength. I too volunteered to work with the asylum seekers who have suffered so much in their own countries and have had so many losses. We now wait for the border to open again for these people fleeing to our country and being forced to the other side of our border. Every day I live in hope we can welcome them again to our country. Thank you.
5
If people are here illegally, it doesn’t diminish the prevailing human right to be treated with dignity even if they are to be deported and that includes food, clothing, and shelter while awaiting the process. Stating the obvious we need comprehensive immigration reform
5
When I finally took my son Tyrone's boots to be sold secondhand for others to use I started to wail as the clerk waited on me, I said, "What shall I tell him when he comes back and wants his cowboy boots?"
12
We had no difficulty at all getting rid of clothes that our parents wore. Some was given to charities staffed mostly by volunteers. One local thrift shop staffed by volunteers uses proceeds to help a residence for children with developmental disabilities. Men’s clothing and personal items like playing cards, games, sports items, and deodorant, in good or new condition was also donated to a veteran’s hospital and a homeless shelter for men.
5
After my father died, both his ashes and personal belongings stayed with me for quite some time. It was emotional torture. I had to put them together in a spare room and shut the door. Eventually, his ashes were interred, articles of sentimental value were distributed to family members, and clothing donated to charity -- with one exception. I could not part with his Army officer's dress uniform. He was proud of his service, and the uniform reminds me of his character; plus, I was born in the base hospital where he worked. That uniform is now more than 60 years old.
13
I watch "Bollywood" movies including those from other cultures in South Asia. I have noticed that when a person dies a shrine is set up. It always includes a large picture but also space to light candles and place religious statues if Hindi. They gather as friends and family on the one year anniversary of the loved ones death. I believe this is very healthy and loving practice.
3
Dear Ms. Santos,
Your writing touches me deeply. You have exquisitely described how strands of the most intimate personal grief and strands of the deepest social grief intertwine in our lives. If held close to the heart, they deepen love and commitment to others. In gratitude, Mary
11
Thank you for sharing, it was a very touching story. Your incredibly generous gesture is exactly what is needed to help heal the world.
5
A beautiful story. And a wonderful way to honor a loved one.
I'm still smarting from my mother clearing out my father's clothes immediately the day after he unexpectedly died and refusing to talk about him to this day. Our conversations end up being superficial. I know I can't understand the depth of her loss, but it pains me deeply as I feel not only did I lose my father but I've lost the connection to my mother as well.
Life's losses are difficult.
6
My parents were killed by a drunken driver in 1997. My mother died the night of the collision, my father 9 months after that, after 3 brain surgeries that robbed him of his mind and the aortic dissection that finally took the rest of his life. Sorting through their clothes was so painful because they still contained evidence of life--my mother's perfume, my father's hats that he wore to ward off sunburn after having 3 skin cancers removed.
I'm glad they didn't live to see the Trump era and the mean, angry divided nation we have become. The planet is small. What will it take for us to realize we're all in this together, and that if we don't help each other and learn to live together, we will all suffer?
219
@Katz Deep sorrowful truth Katz. I have no answer as to what it will take but I am determined to try.
10
@Katz Oh this resonated so much. I lost my mother in 99, to a sudden massive heart attack. The 'unfinished' things were the worst - the little notes she'd made to herself about events in the future - events she would never see. A brand new winter sweater, still in its bag with the shop name on, that she had bought just days before (it was September) thinking she would be wearing it who knows - the next day? The next week?. And as you say, perfume, deodorant, face cream - some of them brand new. Little signs of a life cut unexpectedly short.
I too am glad she never got to see this. I often wonder what she might have thought.
I know one other person who lost both parents at the same time - in an airplane crash. I cannot fathom the shock and pain, knowing how hard it was losing just the one. Thank you for sharing.
17
All you needed to do was to find an organization for the blind or for other disabled people which would be very happy to have those clothes.
2
@n1789 --- I would submit that what she needed to do was what she did.
6
Ms. Santos - you did the right thing - your husband would have been very proud of you. You exemplified “American Exceptionalism” which is being deconstructed by the despotic and despicable demagoguery of the current occupant of the White House.
All the best to you and your daughter.
2
Heartbreaking story that ends so positively. Thank you so much for sharing.
6
Fernanda, You are an alchemist; you have turned your pain into gold. Thank you.
7
This opinion piece isn't about grieving about her husband, it's about hating Trump. She lost me.
3
Billy,
You sure lost me at first but then I realized that as long as folks think about things as deeply and critically as you do the possibility that a donald trump as the leader of the the ‘free’ world is both credible and unfortunately inevitable. Absolutely no room for heart, soul or compassion for others.
Condolences for your loss...
12
Your love for your husband is so beautiful.
2
Thought I would read a piece about mourning the loss of a loved one and got an anti Trump story instead.
Move on with the Trump thing already!
3
Eddie,
Oh, it’s time to ‘move on’ alright. Long past time to move beyond the noisome stench that occupies the White House and I’m happy to say that it will now only be a matter of time.
And to the don’s fan boys and girls: buckle up
8
@Eddie
I actually thought it was going to be about parting with the clothes of a deceased loved one, an exploration of the issues or taboos, if any, involved. I didn’t think one would ever in effect say, Here are my late husband’s clothes, wear them in good health, or may they keep you warm on your journey, or whatever, assuming they would even fit the recipient. But if it is going to be an act that is somehow self ennobling as the story and most of the comments suggest, patronizingly I think, then what about the person, more needy perhaps, that they don’t fit? Give them to charity certainly or burn them, but don’t ritualize or politicize the event. My opinion anyway.
Thanks so much, love you, will never forget this, or you, or your husband.
2
My daddy was killed felling a tree while working as a landscaper. He was an outdoor kind of guy, happiest when trimming trees and shaping shrubs for his customers. Mom kept his work clothes washed and folded for a year after his death until she found an artist who made rag rugs. She said it helped her heal to make strips of the clothes and roll them into balls of khaki and blue and tan. She had table runners made and gifted them to her children. We are healed now from the suddenness of losing him, but the rugs will be our treasure, bringing him with us along the years.
132
Thank you. Your story has inspired me and I now have a better idea of what I want to do with the rest of my life. I will find a way to help immigrants full time. Thank you so much,
60
Somewhere, someone walks cloaked in love, thanks to you. What a beautiful story. Your husband would love it.
545
@NJlatelifemom I think everyone loves it. Thank you.
Misleading title for this piece. It is about immigration and Trump bashing.
When you are here illegally, you should be deported. Case closed.
Please stop with the hard luck stories. There are millions of foreigners who didn’t break the law are still in their own countries
and living under far worst conditions.
8
@Marika
So the tough-minded and hard-hearted weigh in, as they must. For some people empathy became somehow stunted and those are the people who gravitated naturally to Trump. Not a surprise but stil dismaying.
74
@Marika , ‘legally’ is a punitive word. All people on this earth are immigrants. I am a proud Australian, the granddaughter of a highly decorated Scottish Soldier from WW1, who immigrated to this magnificent country (OZ) , with high educational qualifications, but could not find any employment at the time, but he persisted. His family thrived, and we add much to our society. People all around the world always want a better future for their children, so they work hard and contribute.. Just something to ponder ..
22
@Marika It will never cease to amaze and depress me, the ways in which people can dismiss or justify inhumane suffering inflicted upon others.
38
Wow, thank you so much for this piece. My parents died 3 and 4 years ago, and it's taken me this long to accomplish this task. I gave a lot of stuff to Goodwill---folded, tearfully, into big bags and relinquished with a sob to the nice man who said he was so sorry for my loss. But I felt bad just "getting rid" of those clothes. And there are still LOTS of their clothes left in closets and drawers, the more emotionally familiar and precious ones, that I've had more trouble letting go of. You just made that task less thorny for me. Blessings on you and your kiddo. And thank you SO MUCH for caring for our fellow humans who are in a desperate, frightening situation. Kindness remains our greatest superpower, I think.
10
Beautiful read. Thank you.
2
Never heard of Village Thrift, Brown Elephant and other resale shops in your community? I possibly wear now the clothes of many dead persons (God bless their soul!) and I find usually much more nice looking and protecting clothes in such stores.
2
My father died 3-1/2 years ago and his wife kindly gave me some of his tee shirts, jackets and other clothes. Many items have become part of my daily rotation. Therapist says my grieving is progressing well, but getting through the day can still be difficult. Imagining his clothes surrounding like a hug has been helpful.
7
It's hard but true: life goes on. Winter's coming, and there are people who need clothes.
Salvation Army.
5
Our family went through a similar experience when my mother passed. Although it was at a relatively young age, it was expected as she had battled cancer for a number of years. We rode the same roller coaster of emotion as we pulled her favorite coats out of her closet. Finding mementos she had kept. It was tough. She was a Christian. Played the organ at her church where she was pretty active. So we donated her clothes and things that others might find useful to a local Christian charity. Thought that she'd like that.
So I feel your pain. But just for once, can't we keep Trump out of things. Even our grief ? Disappointing article.
3
@sheikyerbouti no we can't. her husband's feelings of deep disappointment in our president and the people he knew that supported him were central to the way in which she honored him and disposed of his belongings. unlike your mother he died very quickly with little time to process what was happening. this is different story from yours.
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@coale johnson
Very different story, actually. You expect to bury your parents. It's part of the job. You don't expect to bury your spouse. Or your children. I get that. And it's not about my story. Or his, either. That part of the story lasted for a paragraph. The rest was a piece on Trump and immigration. Like I said, sad that people have to work Trump into every corner of our lives.
1
@coale johnson
What was the vantage point for that disappointment as regarding refugees and asylum seekers to think that Trump was ‘what was needed to get things going in Washington’? Trump in his 2016 campaign made a great hero and basked in the Iowa endorsement of Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the Arizona self appointed migrant hunter and tormenter. In fact he shared the stage with him there.
https://www.nytimes.com/politics/first-draft/2016/01/26/sheriff-joe-arpaio-to-endorse-donald-trump-in-iowa/
So if you lived in Arizona then, you had heard of Sheriff Arpaio, right? How could one not know what Trump would turn out to be In that respect other than through willful blindness. So perhaps there is more than a bit of unstated atonement as well in the act of giving her dead husband’s clothes to a refugee sanctuary church.
Well, this column gives hope. We may not have adequate access to health care or decent pensions, but at least we generally don’t have to worry about being kidnapped or tortured. I guess that’s the bright side of the Republican agenda.
4
This elegantly written column makes me have faith that good Americans still exist and hopefully will turn my country towards a better path after Trump is gone.
8
I really loved your story; so much I needed to read it to my wife. Your sentiments of love expressed in this story mirror mine and your husbands. I so wish our president would read this story. Our country so needs to start thinking about others as much as they do about themselves.
May God bless you and your family!
4
Grief often leads to a feeling that a person's stuff is almost that person. The person is gone but the stuff is still there as vessels of memories.
I'm still struggling to give away some of my Mom & Dad years later. It's still incredibly painful.
3
My eyes have tears and my heart is warm from reading this beautiful tribute. I know the smell of old scent can certainly bring comfort and it takes courage to give away the loved one’s old stuff. Ms. Santos, I am glad you got your husband’s old clothes to the right people, a good way to carry his legacy. He is smiling back to you from heaven. Hugs!
3
I lost my spouse a few years ago and his clothing is still packed in boxes up in the closet because frankly, I cannot find anyone to give them to. I refuse to give them to the Salvation Army or Goodwill because they charge prices for donated, used clothing that most who shop there cannot afford to pay.
Years ago, my sister found two Northface jackets in a local Salvation Army store and was so happy to find a couple of affordable name brand jackets for her sons (jackets she could never afford otherwise). The manager of the store saw her carrying them and said, "Oh wait a minute ma'am, those are not for sale. Give me them jackets," and snatched them from her. You know he took them for himself. I'd never donate to those places again.
My husband had good clothing. Name brand pants and shirts and shoes. I want to hand them directly to people who need them and will use them, not chance that they will be sold or pilfered in the transfer from donor to store/church/organization. You don't know how difficult that is until you try to do it. Until that time comes, they'll stay boxed up. These classic articles of clothing will never go out of style so there are no worries there.
I am happy the writer of this piece found her place to give her husband's clothing away and hope someday to have that feeling when I find the right place to donate my husband's clothing. I also wish her comfort in her grief, which is neverending.
8
A couple years ago I was with a weekly triathlete group that swims in the Gulf of Mexico every fridays.
The group is mostly older retirees as it is at 8 am.
One morning an elderly lady brought in a huge stack of triathlon clothes and bike jerseys.
Her husband had passed away and she was hoping we would take his clothes if not she would box them for a charity.
He apparently was an accomplished, dedicated triathlete.
Most grabbed his Ironman tees but I spotted a team bike jersey with bright colors.
I have worn it with pride and cherish it. Although I never met that man I think he would approve.
I thank this lady for allowing me to wear her spouse Jersey each time I wear it.
How nice of her.
6
thank you for this. It meant a lot to me.
i have been struggling with our present political situation in this country trying to hang on as best i can with colbert and seth’s monologues so i can get to sleep at night.
with luck, intelligence and calm diligence we all can make things right and once again
the world will be spinning in greased grooves
7
I am sharing your opinion with a close friend from Univ Federal of Parana, where we studied some 50 years ago.
People against Immigrants live a separate reality; to be truthful to their convictions, they should not eat potatoes, or onions, they are all reaped by Immigrants, or NJ blueberries or cranberries, or go to restaurants, at least not in NJ, where I live.
However, while expressing all this anti-immigration stuff, they happily enjoy all the advantages of Immigrant labor.
They also live a Religious separate reality; true Christians, not loving their neighbor ?
My friend in Brasil, her husband also died of pancreatic cancer.
6
@zenito
Here's the point you miss. Anti immigration people are really not anti immigration. They are anti ILLEGAL immigration. They are not against immigrants entering the country legally, as did our parents, grandparents or great grandparents, many of whom, by the way, needed to have sponsors before they were allowed into the country. What they are against is illegal immigrants who rush the border or sneak in and then become part of the "shadow" economy, dont contribute to the country by paying taxes, yet their children attend our schools for free, they get free medical, either free housing or allowances and food stamps. That is the immigration, the illegal immigration, that they are against.
2
@bored critic It's so much more complicated than this.
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@bored critic
"dont contribute to the country by paying taxes, yet their children attend our schools for free, they get free medical, either free housing or allowances and food stamps."
Immigrants pay taxes: sales taxes, property taxes, gasoline taxes, user fees, even income taxes, with no expectation of refunds.
Immigrants (except permanent residents) don't get free medical care, free housing or allowances, or food stamps.
You are correct that immigrant children attend public K-12 schools without charge, but remember, they do pay taxes which fund their attendance.
Please inform yourself of the facts.
A lovely column. Two people with their heads screwed on straight. An appeal to the common decency of us all as we struggle to get thru these years.
My own experience of loss and a point of closure is different. My wife is deep into the later stages of dementia and in long term care. She was a Foreign Service Officer who before that had been the first African American woman hired as a Secret Servicer Special Agent. It took me two years to get up the heart to donate her professional wardrobe. I gave it to the 2017 River Road Unitarian Universalist Bazaar. I knew that whatever money raised would go to good use, that those who bought her clothes would value them and that those not sold would go to A Wider Circle where they could help women just starting into professional life. I think that was a tribute to my wife she would have understood and accepted.
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@John Collinge Thank you so much for telling of your experience. Losing someone day by day to dementia is a tremendous, sometimes long experience of grief. And thank you for mentioning the double gift you gave to the Unitarian Universalist meeting and to those who buy the clothing. And best of all the tribute you made to your wife.
15
@John Collinge
Thank you for your comment. The dementia grief experience starts years before actual death of a loved one and often before diagnosis due to inexplicable changes in personality and behaviors. At death there is a sense of relief that the suffering has ended and there is peace but the grief doesn’t go away it changes
I recommend those readers who are journeying through dementia to consider the online support group at www.alzconnected.org. It is a public site overflowing with deeply personal experiences and needs. There are specific boards for caregiver situations as well as for persons with dementia. It is a lifeboat and an e-village where there is comfort, education and solidarity.
11
@Grace Thank you for your kind comment. My wife was and is an amazing lady. She still has facets of her personality that shine thru when I come to visit and particularly when her closest friend comes. She doesn't know who we are but she really lit up when Joyce and I visited Thursday.
9
My Grandmother was never one to waste anything. When my Grandfather was on hospice dying in the living room with his whole family around, she would bring out box’s of his clothes for us to try on between everyone changing his diapers. It felt so strange literally standing in his shoes, with him not yet dead, but it was important to her so we all obliged. It was so important to her and he loved her so completely for so long it felt like the right thing to do, even if it was a little strange. Whenever I look at my new slippers I think of him, maybe it is what we all needed.
10
As a kid growing up during WW2, ‘hand me downs’ was quite common, at least in my neck of the woods. By the time I reached my early 20’s, I had worn the clothes of several men who had died. It was with pride, I got to wear the clothes that had graced the frame of some very nice men.
10
Last week I got a prayer request for a 20 year old who had just received a lung transplant.
My thoughts went first to the family whose beloved no longer needed those lungs, in hope that through that gift, they could find comfort and healing, knowing they were giving a second chance. A gift of loss, grief, pain, of both hopelessness and of hope.
Many of us share your experience. It was my parents clothes, full closets, boxes, attic. But before we drove to GoodWill, I saved a few special sweaters and shirts, a jacket for a granddaughter, dress shoes for a grandson. Long after her smell faded, I still wear my mother's sweaters, her warmth a comfort around my shoulders. Not everything must go.
Unfortunately, this country is awash in used clothes. I am appalled how many bags are thrown in the dumpster each week at our local thrift store - donated clothes that arrive dirty, torn, stained, that 'smell', shoes that are 'too worn'. Even the clothing 'salvage' companies that sell our faded branded T-shirts and our last-year's sneakers in Africa and Central America are overwhelmed by supply.
Many people at the Southern Border do not care if a baby's shirt has neckline stains, if shoelaces has 'extra knots' as long as the shoes fit, if a warm coat does not smell of just laundry detergent.
But we Americans find it so much easier to throw things away, into the landfill or into the grave
It is easier to discard than to seek others who will appreciate what we no longer want.
6
After my dad died, I wore one of his flannel shirts my mom gave me to teach college chemistry. Students never commented on my attire, except maybe to tease, but that day, several students and colleagues did. When I told them the shirt's origin, it was a nice moment.
13
My grandmother lost her 3 year old son to stomach cancer in the early 1920's. She still had his clothes in the late 1970's. The family secret was the burden she carried all of that time. She's now buried next to him.
5
ABH does not believe in politicizing anyone's death,and personally, would have preferred to know more about author's husband, his chronological age , how he felt when he received what amounted to a death sentence, and what his last weeks of life were like. But author has turned her husband's demise into a political, anti Trump jeremiad.So transparent.There are plenty of native born American children who r also needy, and I saw this when I was in Greenwood, Greenville Mississippi to interview remaining family survivors of Byron de la Beckwith WWII marine , fought in south Pacific, who got involved with the wrong kind of people, White Citizens council, and ended up as the assassin of Medgar Evers.Interviewed Evers's brother as well, who, this was in 2014, was all for TRUMP because DT promised to finance building of a catfish processing plant, 1 of state's major exports, But to the point, I say God bless those folks who have traveled so far,undergone hardships to realize the American dream whom author gave her husband's clothes too, but she should also be aware of the needs of children of the native born,for whom daily life is also tough.More evenhandedness by author would have been better, made a believer of me in her sincerity.
Thanks for this moving essay.
My husband died four and a half years ago. His closet is emptied out to bins organized in the garage. His son is growing and has been able to use his socks at this point but not much else.
Donation with $20 in the pocket of his jeans to people most in need would be exactly what my husband would have wanted. Great idea!
He is not remembered as much these days from his clothes but for the hawk rising high and dipping low in the windy skies above us as we trick or treat along familiar pathways he once walked with us.
These comments listed here are soothing to my grieving soul and better than any grief group I ever attended.
21
Honestly, rich people's problems. There are plenty of local organizations to which to give clothing. When my parents died, I took all of the "wearable" clothes, packed them in boxes and gave them to the Miami Rescue Mission, which does wonders for the homeless.
My mom died before my dad, so we did her clothes first. Then my dad died six months after (to the day). I not only packed their clothing, but also a ton of household goods that my sister was not going to use (e.g., 4 unopened boxes of Depends).
When my sister died, 4 months to the day that my dad died, I then packed her clothing and more household goods and again gave them to the Miami Rescue Mission.
There is really nothing admirable about this tale of keeping stuff in boxes for 16 months while thousands of our residents suffer. Nothing. Sorry, but I don't feel any sympathy for her.
2
That’s quite a response. Wishing you health & happiness in whatever you are going through.
3
@msa Yes, I can see why you can't feel any sympathy for the author. It took her 16 months to be rid of her beloved's belongings which has helped with her grieving. I don't think it's about being poor or rich. Each person grieves differently. You lost 3 relatives in 2 years. That's a lot grief to process (which you handled differently by donating your relatives' things right away). Sometimes when people feel so much sadness, there's a tendency to feel numb towards others.
4
@msa Luckily for her, she's not looking for your sympathy. She is simply telling us the story of how everything came together for her with regard to how she gave away her husband's clothing.
6
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died at the same age, and we lived many years in the part of MA where he grew up. Our city was full of hardworking, friendly, kind Central and South American immigrant families. Truly, the economy there would be dead and gone without their businesses and their labor. It pained me to hear them spoken of, by members of earlier immigrant groups (!) as unwelcome and interlopers. How quickly these descendants of Irish, Italian, and French-Canadian immigrants forget their own heritage. Shameful. The newcomers to our country need all of our kindness now. The survival of the values these same people would find so easy to mouth, but never mean, depends on it.
20
When my wife died three years ago, I let all of her girlfriends go through her things and take what they wanted. They tell me now when they’re wearing one of her sweaters or using her purses. I took all her business suits and shoes to a woman’s shelter to help abused women start their life over by having nice clothes for job interviews. I know she would have approved.
But I miss her terribly.
26
With my wife still fighting her ovarian cancer, I can totally relate to the journey you traveled through his illness. I pray I don't lose her. I am grateful too that you found a worthy beneficiary for his clothing but I find it upsetting that your otherwise moving column was mostly a venue to rant against President Trump. What was the true purpose of the column? Every year, people here lose everything due to storms & flooding. You could have just as easily donated clothing to these victims.
3
@Once From Rome Recovering from a natural disaster can be done fairly quickly. Recovering from the Trump unnatural disaster will take much longer and affects many more people. The Trump disaster was a major concern for her husband. Why shouldn't she choose to direct her efforts there? Who are you to tell her what to do or how to deal with her grief?
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@Once From Rome
You may not understand the need to do what is appropriate to memorialize your spouse. I hope and pray that you will not realize this.
5
It is hard to find the words to express my great respect for your courage, determination and proper use of your beloved husband's clothing.
Your piece elegantly ties together the trauma of loss of a spouse with the sufferings of others. It is perhaps the best way to cope with the problem of all the loose ends following a death--to realize what your spouse may have wanted and to use his possessions to help a cause he care greatly about.
I, too, lost my spouse recently. I have struggled with the best way to carry on what was important to him and how I can reflect that most effectively. He, too, like the author's husband, was very distressed at President Trump's policies and seemingly racist, xenophobic fears. I hope to vote him out of office but my dear husbands remaining clothes will go to an immigrant charity. Thank you for writing this.
27
I took his shirts, cut them up and made quilts for my grandchildren.
12
The entire article moved me profoundly. For a fleeting second, I wondered if it might be better to leave the politics out of it...a feeling immediately undone when I realized how simply and profoundly your husband had voiced the angst of millions, of how very real and visceral those feelings were (and are) and that you, in your gorgeous act of generosity had reminded all of us that the antidote to grief --for the people we love and the country we love--is found in simple actions that affect the people next to us.
We can and will and must be the wall that stands between a benighted vision of cruelty, indifference, racism, sexism xenophobia, hate, fear and paranoia. And, for the love of god, can we please stop for once and for all the insulting pretense that that world view is not all of these and more?
Just think...it can be as simple as offering someone the shirt off your back, a pair of shoes, a gesture that says, 'I see you and your needs.You aren't a statistic. You aren't a lie. You aren't my or anyone's whipping boy or girl. I can give you a shirt, a dress, a helping hand."
I am so sorry for your loss yet grateful for your inspiring words. Your husband lives on in memory, in words, and in the very fabric of his life. That is a gift beyond imagining. Thank you.
14
“Then, as now, despair had led thousands of people to leave their home countries in search of what so many of us in America take for granted: the right to live without fear of being kidnapped, tortured, killed.“
To think that Donald Trump has made asylum nearly impossible and already has sent people back to the fate described here is awful
11
It's very hard to dispose of a loved one's belongings after they pass on, and the bereaved should not feel pressured to do so according to anyone else's timetable. That said I find this article confusing and the headline misleading. What does cleaning out her husband's closet have to do with immigration? Nothing, unless you want to make it so.
2
Nothing, and everything.
As I type this, here in Hove, I recall the time that I caught a flight to New York. I was wearing a smart coat bought (£20) from one of the many thrift stores for which Hove is famed. When I got to the airport, somebody took my ticket to direct me to the right queue, and she exlaimed, "you're travelling economy!" The coat had made her think me a hot shot (well, I am in my own way).
6
Also consider Hospice. There are many people in our country, born or naturalized citizens who need help, too.
3
I couldn't stand to have any of his things around me, not even pictures. All I did was cry. So, within 3 weeks of his premature death, most of his personal things were gone. First step to healing, for me. Little did I know that the healing would actually take many years.
8
This struck a chord with me too, as many others have written. It is not just about the loss of your husband, but the turmoil happening in the immigrant community as well. You found the perfect place to donate your husband’s clothes — not an easy thing to do. After my husband died of pancreatic cancer in 2010, it took me nearly three years to think about what to do with his clothes. I gave many items to volunteer organizations, but I kept a number of things, including all his ties and his shirts. From his ties, I made a quilt that hangs on my wall, and every time I see the ties I think about which tie he wore to what event we attended together. When my first grandchild was born a year ago, I made a baby quilt using his shirts. I have been remarried for three years to a widower and my husband’s son and daughter-in-law had a baby less than a year ago. I asked my husband to give me some article of clothing that belonged to his late wife, and I fashioned a quilt for that grandchild from pashmina scarves that she wore. Now each of those grandchildren can feel enveloped in the love of the grandparent they will never see in person.
20
I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. My ex-husband died in late August - also too young. His wife and I have been going through the house - separating and moving those items that I will store for our children and those that she (the wife) will be taking with her in the next chapter of her life. She has given me the decision of what to do with his clothes. I think your piece has made my decision easier. Thank you.
12
Simply beautiful. His heart will go on.
12
When a greatly loved person in my life died, the four others who shared the job of his total care with me for 14 months and I called everyone he knew...and that was a lot of people who loved him and who he loved as well, in numerous different categories of his life. We told them to come to his apartment on Saturday and Sunday, to bring their own empty shopping bag, and to be ready to help Richard get rid of his earthly accumulation. They came, and by Sunday evening, there was not even a toothpick in his apartment. Absolutely everything had been taken by someone he knew, who now had something to remember him by, to use, to listen to, to wear, to cook with, to read, to look at, to smell, and on and on. He had a lot of things. However, nothing of his would sit in a dusty corner of as thrift shop. This all happened 25 years ago and I still think it was a great idea. I hope someone will do the same for me, some time, when I am gone. I still wear his reading glasses everytime I use my desk-top computer.
18
Fortunately, now, I still share my life with my wife.
She’s had a few health scares recently, which got me thinking about my life alone one day.
She carries gloves and socks (and granola bars)
In her car and handbag; these, to offer to street people. Clothing we no longer use, we offer to and place into collection bins, she more often than I, as I derive from an over-cluttered home and upbringing.
But I’ve learned to share more liberally now. The feeling is good, much better than having no space in my closet to hang new ones.
This age of smart phones has offered me the ability to photograph business cards instead of keeping the originals stuffed into a desk drawer or counter top boxes.
Family photos also on my phone, instead of boxes and boxes of photos. Diplomas, athletic ribbons, childhood toy relics find themselves in a photo file as well.
Having lost a single sister years ago, my brother was not able to deal with even ‘going through’ her clothes, leaving me to package and distribute them to charities.
So, when the time comes, I’m thinking the best way to remember my wife would be to photograph her favorites and mount those photos into some kind of multi media collage. The clothing our children might want, they can each keep a single item. I plan to offer jewelry to them as well, but having realized our children don’t necessarily share our ideas, this won’t be a slam dunk.
The clothing itself will go to charities or into clothing bins. I will feel I’ve done her justice.
5
I am very sorry to learn that the writer’s husband left for heavenly abode at a very young age on account of cancer.
This opinion piece is more about immigrants, mostly illegal, rather than personal tragedy. She has expressed beautifully about her feelings towards immigrants having been an immigrant herself.
It’s very difficult to support her when it comes to illegal immigrants sine there is a limit for everything. Unfortunately this issue has become much more complicated mainly because it involves children. A lot of empathy is surely required while dealing with children.
It’s nice to know that she gave away all of her husband’s clothes to the needy as per her mother’s advice.
1
@Sivaram Pochiraju You may not understand that many of the people that the author is talking about are not "illegal immigrants" (although I have compassion for those too), but people who are applying for asylum in this country - which is legal, although the Trump administration is trying to make it illegal and treats such people "as if" they are illegal immigrants.
16
Grief and loss are such personal struggles. I cherish my photographs more than anything as those photos spark memories and help me feel connected to my late parents, my brother and sister and now my husband (who died a few weeks ago). I feel so grateful that there was love in my life. My most heartfelt condolences to you.....this article was a lovely tribute to your husband. His spirit will always be with you.
8
My wife died a year and a half ago of pancreatic cancer. I have to admit that I was lucky though. She lived 31 months past her diagnosis and she was able to work a few hours a week in our town's library up until the last two months, something that kept her mind occupied on something other than her illness.
My daughters took a few things from her closet but the rest went to charity with the sole exception of her wedding dress and a couple of cocktail dresses she looked so beautiful in. I'll keep those until I die. Nobody can appreciate them as I do. I also kept a night shirt she often wore to bed because I could still smell her scent months later.
As she slipped away from me I felt so bad for her because one by one, she could no longer do the things we did together. And to have to listen to our egomaniac president on top of it all was just so much salt on the wound (she couldn't resist watching the PBS news every night whereas I stopped watching news TV altogether until the impeachment stuff started - it was like watching the whole world die along with my wife).
28
Your love for her jumps out through these words. She surely must have felt it in your life together. What a wonderful gift you gave her, a life of love & companionship! The world needs that now, more than ever!
5
@Annie Thank you Annie. I knew from the first moment I saw her that she was the one. And I think she felt that way too. She was almost 7 years younger than I and was very careful about her diet and did a fair job of exercising so her diagnosis came as a complete shock to me. But we never lost hope for a recovery right up until the last two weeks of her life. As for her clothes and accessories, I had to get rid of them for they were a reminder that she was gone. Her pictures were another thing. They reminded me of the wonderful things we did during our 39 years together. We lived on four continents, visited over 40 countries and all but a few of the states. She even made friends with Barack Obama who reached out to her with a beautiful letter towards the end. Our two daughters are now doing the same with their own families so I guess our example was one that appealed to them. I was truly blessed to have found her and I'll go to my own grave with thanks for a life with her as my companion.
When I lost my wife after a long cancer bout, it was difficult to deal with the things she left behind but I realized that the clothes in her closet were nothing in comparison to the two children we conceived and raised. I see her in how my daughter stands up for herself and in the progress my son has made into an amazing thoughtful young man.
20
It’s been seven years. Most my husband’s belongings were taken by our sons or donated. I kept a sweater and his scarves. A few months ago, I was going to take our grandson he never knew for a walk in the park. The weather had cooled since his parents had dropped him off. I looked for a warm but light scarf to put around the small neck of a four year old. One of my husbands was best suited. Tears in my eyes I shared with our grandson the tender memory of the wonderful granddaddy he would have been. The little guy asked about him, so we went out with my husband on our minds. Ducks, poneys and merry go round quickly distracted us but my husband will always remain in our memories.
24
Beautiful. Just beautiful. This is what needs to happen in our country, in our communities, in our schools and in our homes. Compassion. Love. Truth. Open minds and open hearts. We've been lost, but that understanding of the needs of others and the desire to do something about it is in each and every one of us. We can get it back … we must.
18
I wear my partners’ clothes. He’s no longer here. It’s all I have.
13
What a moving story. Thank you for sharing. Deus lhe abencoe.
2
Thus does Fernanda Santos give us writing as beautiful as her name.
17
OK, I cried.
8
@Tansu Otunbayeva I did too. In fact, I'm still crying.
4
Me too,
your story moved me deeply... it is just as beautiful as it is sad... and it is full of love and compassion... i hope for and with you that the next us president will again be a human being with a heart & a brain...
8
Sincere condolence to you, Fernanda. I know your husband must be very proud and happy with the path you took. In a way, he does live on in your kindness and empathy. God bless.
8
I agree I truly wish everyone could know the wonderful hardworking people I have known over the years. Our leaders need to meet these people.
12
When a dear friend died in her fifties a few years ago, her husband invited her 5 closest friends over one Saturday morning to go through her clothes, shoes, handbags and other accessories and take what we wanted. Her husband also gave each of us, a piece of her jewelry. We had a beautiful morning reminiscing about our friend, and when she wore items of clothing (we found “vintage” items from our law school days, 30 years earlier), as we chose item to take and wear in her memory. Years later, I still think of her when I don that special hat, sweater, scarf, etc. that she once wore.
The author is right, there is comfort in finding the right people, sometimes it is strangers in need, at other times, it may be loved family and friends.
16
He must have been a good man to leave such love and honesty and caring behind. My heart to yours.
17
Thank you for sharing your story. It was very touching. Reading some of the comments of others that have lived through similar experience was equally moving. We are all sorry for what our country has become, so hopefully you can take solace in that fact. When you next talk to your husband as your drive in your car, let him know it takes hitting bottom sometimes before things can get better, and there is no bottom lower then this president. So the only way is up from here.
17
I wish that immigrants like Fernanda Santos deploring our insistence on legal immigration process would accept that we cannot allow unrestricted violations of our laws. One of the qualities that attracts her and others to this country Is the rule of law, which is missing in much of the countries of origin of the illegal refugees she wishes to help skirt our laws.
Americans fought for the rule of law here. We fought against, as we still fight against, any anarchy, corrupt politics and injustice that may arise here. We will not tolerate for long here the kind of anarchy and injustice in the countries of origins of mass asylum seekers and refugees at our borders. Our Patriot founders didn’t seek asylum in Europe from British Colonial injustice. They fought it and defeated it. And Americans like President Trump may rightly ask: why wont Ms. Santos and others like her stay in their countries and fight for the rule of just laws there? As we did!
Where did she say that she supports violating the law?
10
Seriously? The bayou is populated by Acadians who fled what became Nova Scotia to avoid British rule and thereby became cajuns. Nova Scotia has many citizens who were Loyalists who fled the colonies because they felt American revolutionaries were violence-prone and feared a society devolving to anarchy (and, unfortunately, in many ways they were right). Today there are millions of us who view the current American "leadership" as uncomfortably similar to precisely the sort of self-serving demagogues who have ruined countries in Latin America. We won't run away, because we have faith in the country's DNA. But we've seen enough unacceptable nonsense to empathize with the plight of the hopeless who flock to our borders. We don't live in a bomb shelter with limited resources; our country is fueled by limitless ideals, and we have plenty of room for those seeking little more than freedom from tyranny in its many forms.
7
She does not have to state that she supports violations of our immigration laws. She volunteers at a center offering support for illegal immigrants here.
Thank you, Fernanda, for sharing your story. For your story tells many lessons that should be heard and pondered by many.
I for one know that you have left an impression on me and look forward to hearing more from you in the future.
Sending my sincere respect and condolences to you and your daughter.
16
So sweet, so loving.
I lost my wife to cancer November 10, two years have passed and her clothes are all in her dressers, in her closet, jus the way she left them.
Her slippers are still waiting for her sweet little feet to come home from work under the coffee table in the living room.
Wash towels hang unused in the bathroom.
I admire your strength, I understand the depth of your loss.
Thank you for sharing your story.
31
Six years after my wife of 35 years passed away, I still cling to a lot of her clothes. I know exactly where they could go- to charity- but it is painfully difficult to empty the closets and remaining dresser drawers. The last remaining physical connection to her. And I know she would scold me for clinging to it all. If life- and death- were just that simple.
23
My mother died when I was 2 years old around 1946. My father sent her clothing to France, except for a long green gown and gold high heels she wore when they went dancing and some silk Asian ‘pajamas’. I have a lovely thank you note in French in the little trunk he kept for me along with their letters from WWII and many pictures. It is the only way I know her. It’s wonderful to share clothing with those in need but also to keep special memories for those left behind. I was very touched by this article.
27
A wonderful remembrance of your husband, and your relationship with him. Thank you for sharing. I, like others, were initially put off by the political comments, even though, I, too, cannot tolerate the behavior of our President. I'm sorry for those feelings of mine; what has happened to us that we react this way. Thank you again for sharing your poignant memories with us.
11
Exactly the right thing to do: Ms Santos transcends her grief (if that's the right verb: channels into?) by extending love, and pieces of her husband's persona/aura (metaphorically speaking) to the neediest.
Bravo.
13
Fernanda, I’m sorry for your loss. Seems like another sad example of why bad things happen to good people. I’m glad you found your way to that church, and I sense that your husband would approve and be proud of you. Thanks for sharing your story.
12
I still have a bunch of my girlfriend's stuff, including her bell-bottom Levis, sewing box, and diary. She died in 1978. I couldn't care less about the arbitrary judgments of others in this matter. It's a conscious personal choice that I'm perfectly comfortable with.
23
I simply donated my late husbands clothes to a local thrift shop.
Also consider Goodwill and the Salvation Army as the ideal places to donate the things he left behind. You'll feel secure in the knowledge that there is some worthy man out there who can use them.
6
Thank you for this warm and touching piece that is not only about your own personal suffering but the suffering of immigrants caught in our inhumane mess at the border. Immigrants are people just like any of us with personal sorrows and sufferings. Why we add to this suffering with our inability to fix our immigration laws and give order to their desire to create new lives is indeed a grave tragedy. If we as a nation could see immigrants as people rather than through the lens of politics and prejudice would go a long way to curing our malaise as a country.
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@just Robert - Why we don't fix the immigration laws in this country is because the powers that be here in this country need those undocumented workers to work for low wages, sometimes in horrific conditions.
They don't want them on the books where they would have to pay them much higher wages let alone the benefits that would come into play.
Never ever think there is not an answer to our immigration issues in this country as we have very smart people who have already figured it out.
The answers are simple but would be very costly to the bottom line of the owners and employers. Hence, no solution.
6
If you haven't done this, you have no idea. To do it well, & respectfully, has taken me 20 years.
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@mariondrew
I'm so grateful you posted this.
I have had trouble 'letting go' for a long while as well ... and reading this moving essay, and your post ... gives me hope that I can get past this hurdle.
And do it well.
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@mariondrew
It took 23 years for me to let go of a large solid oak cabinet my mother had custom made in 1981.
My wish is that goes to an immigrant family.
22
@mariondrew
My husband died nineteen years ago today. I still have so many of his things and some of this clothing. His warmth, kindness and humor are with me everyday. You have inspired me to find the right place for his clothes.
4
I hesitated to click on this headline because I've already wept while reading the widows at dinner story and rereading the Modern Love doorman story after watching the video version last night. But I'm so glad I did. Absolutely beautiful. Thank you Fernanda Santos.
I was almost 44 when my husband died of cancer. My sons were eight and nine years old. Navigating grief at any age is a struggle.
27
We all do that shirt-smelling thing, and then we cry when the smell fades. I have my husband's hairbrush in a storage bin with some other things and when I took it out the other day, it still smelled faintly of shampoo and tobacco smoke. And I cried again, six years later. Over six years I have reduced what is meaningful from three storage bins, a suit, a blazer, and six dress shirts down to two storage bins, the blazer, and three dress shirts.
It takes a long time before we really understand that they aren't going to need them.
I donated suits, dress shirts, ties, belts, and blazers to the annual Men's Wearhouse Suit Drive which they have every July. I know where they went, too -- a program that provides suits for men coming out of prison to have for job interviews. The minute I found out where they were going, I felt joy instead of loss.
404
@Jill C. Thank you for reporting the Men's Warehouse program. I will tell my daughter so she can donate some of her husband's things.
13
I still have my husband's clothes too. In fact, I have his books and random stuff he collected. He died in February 2017, from ALS at the age of 49. The election was soul-crushing for him too.
Some things I know our two sons will enjoy when they are older, but there's still a lot. I have worried that giving his things away meant I was forgetting him. I think he would be happy if I did something like this. Thank you for sharing.
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@Ann
Start small, underwear, socks-unsentimental items that someone in need might be able to use.
33
When I die, which may be soon, please know you might not find me lingering in my clothes - not my wool scarves, sweaters, shirts or robe. Not in my down jacket. Instead, try looking in my garden, in the steamy compost pile of ferns and leaves and peonies turned into black soil. Dig with my garden trowel. Look around the gardens for all the left hand gloves I've lost over the years. Hopefully you'll see the my favorite toad. Listen for me in the tall grasses along our favorite hiking trail. Enjoy meals on our blue plates. Strew my collection of Petosky stones and seashells around everyone's yard. It's ok if you give all my clothes away to St. Vincent de Paul, just tuck a $20 bill in each pair of my jeans.
714
@Claire Thank you for gracing this world and best wishes for peace in your heart.
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@Claire
Beautiful!! I've not yet been able to pack my husband's clothing. After reading your post, I'm ready. I will also place money in his pants pockets. Such a kind and generous idea.
112
@Claire
So beautiful and so generous. Godspeed.
45
Thank you for your thoughts. I also lost my husband to pancreatic cancer after only 91 days from symptoms. Although I had donated his shoes to a New Balance drive, his clothes have sat packed up in my closet for the past nine years.
You have given me a worthy suggestion as to how I can honor my late husband, an immigrant, by letting other immigrants benefit from them.
Thanks
30
I lived the same thing. My husband, in good health, died suddenly, in front of me. I went crazy. Literally. I also held his shirts and jackets to my face trying to find a bit of him as comfort. I donated a lot of his clothes to a favorite thrift shop in the hope that some of his students would shop there and find sports jackets they’d seen in class. I donated a lot of his shirts to charity knowing how much he would love having them worn by guys trying to get ahead. I gave a lot of his ties to his friends, even those who’d given up on wearing ties. But that’s ok, it was a gift of and from him to them. I still have some of his ties. I bring them out from time to time while remembering when he’d ask me which tie went best with which jacket. These are linking objects of great importance and I am so glad that this essay brings this to light. The more we talk about the realities of grief the better we will all understand and find compassion for the bereaved. From my heart to yours, thank you.
419
@Aqui Absolutely, Aqui. We need to be talking about grief, and how.
16
Such a poignant and beautiful story, brought me to tears as I read this. God bless you and your family Ms. Santos!
10
My husband died that same day. I am still working through his clothes. A coat, winter boots, and shirts just went to a charity Tuesday. I am still struggling with some favorites. I am glad you can honor him and comfort yoursekf at the same time.
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@Ann B
When the time is right, you will know what to donate and who to donate to.
Just keep asking the question, and it will be answered.
26
I have some friends who are die hard Trump supporters. One of their more stringent bromides is that they don’t want their wealth taken from them and given to others, (so-called income redistribution). This beautiful meditation perfectly illustrates that he who is given much will in turn give much. Generosity of spirit enriches our society. it goes around and around.... and is how a healthy society works best. Thank you Fernanda.
588
@Catracho-I know a couple who are much like your friends. If they ever end up in assisted living, who do they think will be taking care of them? ...Bathing, feeding, toilet-ing? Likely the very people they look down on now.
99
@Catracho ... Beautifully stated.
20
@Catracho I do not know your Trump-supporting friends, but I would not be surprised if they consider themselves good Christians. If so, they need to read the New Testament. Christ made very clear, many times, that "income distribution" was an important component of following his teachings. I am sick beyond tired of so-called Christians' hypocrisy.
68
My husband died three months ago of cancer. Not only have I not yet been able to give away his clothes, I haven't been able to change one single thing in his bedroom where he spent his last few months and died. The sheets are still positioned exactly as he threw them back just before dying. His glasses are at the side of the bed on top of his ipad, which he used to send his last messages to friends. The bucket he used to throw up in is still at the side of his bed. It might sound morbid, but I can't imagine ever changing anything in that room. I'm otherwise alone, and that room with his things in, positioned as he left them, is all I have left of him--the only actual material evidence that he was ever here. Changing that feels like I would be erasing him. People tell me that of course he is in my heart and that he was so much more than those physical things, and of course they are right. But still, to me, once that room has been changed and his things gone, it'll all be too final. All I'll have will be memories of his presence, whereas now I can still at least go into his room and almost, almost, see him still there.
23
I also have been in your shoes. When the time is right for you, you will do what you need to do. Took me nine years after my husband’s death from cancer to sell his beloved car.
Don’t let anyone push you when you are not ready.
13
@RJG Thank you for that, RJG.
4
You are welcome
1
On New Year's day this year, my husband, Dan, died from pancreatic cancer. It canceled our future together. Three weeks ago I packed up boxes of Dan's clothes to send to my brother and a good friend, and I filled 28 very large bags of beautiful clothes to be taken to Dress for Success and the Salvation Army. But I kept his favorite item, a baseball cap with Cleveland Orchestra imprinted on the front. A New Englander, he grew up loving this great orchestra. When I called their gift shop to order the cap and the manager learned of Dan's cancer (he wore the cap to cover the hair loss from chemotherapy), he shipped it immediately, refused to charge us for the cap or postage, and even slipped in a hand-written note. The cap hangs on a closet hook. It contains the sweet odor of Dan and the heart-rending memory of how and why he came to own and wear it.
28
I'm one of those dads/husbands whose clothes will have to be given away at some point -- been successfully battling cancer for 5 years now and still hopeful that we'll beat it but realistic enough to realize at some point we may not. I take pride in being anti-fashion and pretty much wearing the same uniform day-in day-out, month-in-month out. So many photos from years back reveal the same workhorse burgundy polo shirt that has served me so well. I love that one of our girls continually heists an old shirt or sweatshirt or bathrobe and wears them out more than I have worn them out. Paul Jr is too skinny to take my stuff, and I love the fact that my old stuff will likely go to the shelter where my wife and daughter work to keep someone warm, or maybe help them to look sharp in an interview. Its not the clothes that make the man, its the character, the warmth, the smile, the love in your heart. And as a wise New Yorker once said, that love in your heart wasn't put there to stay, that love isn't love 'til you give it away.
51
I would put them to good use by either giving them to the VA hospital, they have a facility in those where they help people out, or (my favorite) the Salvation Army. The Va charges nothing for what they do, the Salvation Army charges a pittance, or they will give them to someone in definite need, but those things that they sell goes into supporting people really in need. Goodwill is now a strongly capitalistic company and they are charging too much for the goods that they have. My wife does not want to have a garage sale on the things that she wants to get rid of, so she takes them to St. Vincent De Paul. The good thing about donating to those facilities is that you know they are going where they are needed and the money that they are sold for is going where it is needed. I was once one who only had second hand clothes, I never had an original shirt or pair of trousers up until I was old enough to work.
My house has more furniture in it than a 16 story hotel and the children do not seem to want it. I am trying to figure out how to keep the family items in the family, but as for the clothes, But as for my clothes, if my wife dies before I do, she will rent a U Haul and take the things to one or more of the agencies named above.
7
It took three years to complete the process of decluttering our home. There were rooms full of her wonderful clothes. Her favorite night gown has a special place in our closet.
I finally realized keeping rooms of stuff should not be part of the grieving process.
Maureen’s memories are in a special box in my soul, rekindled by her special stuff I will treasure always.
29
@Paul Beautifully said, Paul.
4
Thank you for sharing your story.
A human narrative that carries us through the things that make up daily life for real people. With a larger lesson within.
Love, hope, accomplishment, sickness, death, grief, sadness and healing. The emotions felt and all of what it brings in the private places of my mind. A smile and touch. A stolen kiss and the warmth. Yes. Many share the emotions of loss, or will come to do so in their span. I hope each in some way, brings fulfillment of a larger purpose, as you have.
11
Last March, my daughter spurred me to finally deal with the same bittersweet task regarding my late husband's clothes. Had this article been published then, I would have been inclined to do exactly what Ms. Santos did.
Coincidentally, I graduated from ASU in 1975 with a degree in Mass Communications/Broadcasting. If Ms. Santos had been teaching at the time, I would have been honored to be a student in her class.
28
The only article of clothing that I kept of my husband who died seven years ago was a pair of his gloves. The gloves remind me of the shape and feel of his hands. All the rest I gave to a society that looks after the homeless.
23
@mw Paul passed away last December. I got rid of his clothes pretty fast with winter setting in there were plenty of takers for his jackets, sweaters, scarves and boots.This week I found his gloves and a knit cap in the same closet. I have decided to keep for myself. I know I will need them and him.
15
Thank you for this powerful piece. Thank you for sharing your loss...and more importantly the positive memories and message your husband lived.
28
An extraordinarily beautiful and powerful piece, thank you.
22
This was not at all where I thought this post would be going, and was somehow incredibly painful and incredibly hopeful at the same time. Who knows where you get the strength to do such empathetic things in a time of great loss. My condolences to you and my thanks for doing something that I am too far away to do.
26
Fernanda's personal loss resonates and hurts, especially if you are older and feel the possibility of what she is living through if a loved partner is lost. But the real beauty of her essay is the way it weaves her personal loss with something we've lost as Americans. When I was in the US, long before Trump, our church was part of a network she describes. Once a month we fed and helped take care of groups of homeless who moved through a network of churches of all religions. We never had to be secretive, even though I'm sure there were illegal immigrants among the families and children. That such a network now has to be clandestine and hidden reflects yet another loss of an American quality widely admired. That she found such a solution to both losses leaves me with hope. Thank you.
36
Great piece. Fernanda, your students at ASU are lucky to have an articulate, sensitive and wise soul at the helm.
21
This was a moving story, indeed, as other commenters have said as well. There's an authenticity and true spirit, soulfulness, and honesty at work here. It's so hard to take that step and give away the personal effects (the mundane personal effects are always the hardest) as it's tantamount to truly acknowledging your loved one is gone. It's one more piece of them gone. Rough and heartbreaking.
26
@Greg, I appreciate your writing; sounds like you've been there. Thankfully, ( 22 yrs ago,) I could give my late husband's clothes to his son, which I think was the best possible outcome. I wish I had kept one of his nice "dressy/casual" kinda silky shirts, tho. I would now sleep in it sometimes. Richard was so hot.
& I'm so lucky now that I have a very compatible mate. He makes me very happy!
Best wishes to you, Greg...
7
Thank you for this moving story. I'm certain your husband would be very happy to know that his clothes have helped people so deserving of our help, and I can only hope that it helped you find peace. Take care.
17
Two years+ 3 months and 10days ago, I lost my mom. She said she couldn’t live with him as president.
I know that when I can, her clothes and shoes will go to exactly the kind of people that got Mike’s clothes. That is what she would want.
Thank you Fernanda, for sharing.
31
Like many commentators my spouse also passed away. Living in our empty house surrounded by large closets of her clothes, coats, shoes, etc., I kept her memories intact and I donated the large majority of her clothes to a nearby Church that could put them to good use. Several key items went to our two grown daughters and a few friends of hers, and I kept a few select items. Her loving memory will always live on. I know that people who needed her clothes more than I did will put them to good use.
18
This was a very touching story. I started to read all the comments made by the other readers,there were 142 of them when I finished. Whether our not we are native born or immigrants we will all loose someone we love, we will all have that loss. I was shocked that in one of the early comments essentially was "illegal immigration get over it "however I was reassured that 90% of the comments were of sympathy and empathy. God bless all those that grieve. Thank goodness there is a majority of people who read this article and spoke of kindness.
32
Wonderful story. Thank you.
12
You speak for me. And for so many I know who cry for the children and their families. We who help how we can, yet still feel helpless because we cannot effect political change.
Our calls to government yield no answers. Our posts on FaceBook bring empathy, and comments about what others are doing, but still no substantive change in the moral and ethical way immigrants (let's include people of color or of any non-dominant religious affiliation) are treated. A simple Letter to the Editor by a friend on this topic, defending immigrant rights, brought her public derision.
Oh, dear heavens, where have tolerance, civility, understanding, and care for our fellow man gone.
When we the many, ARE QUIET, we the many, who have empathy and consideration for others, who remember and believe in the America established, fought for, and still defended today by brave fellow Americans, of ALL origins, are out-shouted, demeaned, and bewildered by elected officials who will NOT defend the Constitution, or find a way to "welcome your long lost yearning to be free," we will be lost.
We must not be quiet. We must defend our Constitution. We must vote and support those in office who support the Constitution. And we must find our own ways, public, private, and personal, to "give our precious goods," as you did with your dear suitcase of beloved clothes, to those in compelling need.
Thank you for your heart-warming and sincere story. You brought me to tears, and back to those children in need.
65
Of course, you don’t know me but I was struck by this article. If you held onto a shirt or pjs I would love to make you a memory/healing heart. I make these for hospice families and have made them for my family from my mother’s favorite dress. They are on ribbon and hang from a doorknob or such and you catch sight of them and remember and smile. I hope you might like this. Wishing you peace, LL
20
My husband died in April of 2016. One of our last late-night bedtime conversations was about whether or not Trump’s election was possible. “He couldn’t actually win, right?”, I asked him, seeking reassurance. “Well, I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe.” He was always smarter than me, so adept at really listening to people; if he was seeing the possibility of a President Trump, then I should think about it too.
When I sat up alone on election night, six months later, waiting for the polls to close, I remembered that moment, and wept at how right he‘d been, and how much I needed to talk with him. And for our family, because my husband was Latino, and I am white, and we have a beautiful mixed-raced daughter.
It took me another year after that to donate his clothes to an organization that collects and distributes clothing to the homeless. I packed the first coat I bought him, which had drooping pockets from his bad habit of stuffing our daughter’s mittens in along with his own. I packed the balaclava he wore when snow-blowing the driveway of the house we bought together. I packed the goofy-looking long-sleeved dark green-striped polo shirt with wide green cuffs that reminded me of an adult version of a little boys’ shirt, that made me think of how sometime he acted like a little boy himself, laughing at his own dorky jokes.
But his bathrobe and wedding suit are still hanging in his closet, and I am still sleeping on my side of the bed, missing our late-night conversations.
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@Human What a wonderful letter you wrote, too, it sounds like you had a very good husband, and I could almost picture him, and it made me smile.Thank you, too.
4
I’m sorry for your loss and thank you for your heartfelt article. Many of us share your feelings about what has happened to undocumented migrants and their families. But I’m sure, your late husband approves of giving his clothes to migrants who needed them. Peace.
23
Fernanda:
So it was for me, to part with my father's clothes, my mother's precious dishes and personal items, and my baby sisters's everything. Even now, I find it hard to delete her email address, and even non-personal items. Memories of her, and how horrible her death was ( in a disgusting nursing home in Maine ) haunt me even now, two years later. This will not pass...." if I forget thee. O Jerusalem..."
Your husband sounds like a real "mensch"; this act honors him and his short life. You have certainly found the right people. And thank goodness for ALL the people with ALL their mixed backgrounds who have come here. I owe my life to the Guatemalans, who rescued me from a fall off a volcano. And America owes its soul to immigrants who come here, who want to do better for themselves and their families. Thanks for coming here, Fernanda. The world needs more people like you and your husband. Hold on to a few of his things that give you meaning...the rest will serve a better purpose now.
50
Miss Santos, your husband is smiling and is proud of you.
23
Let go and learn from new experiences.
2
Sorry. Fist World problem.
Donate the clothes to the homeless - it may just make you feel better.
4
She already feels better. But thanks for the thought.
1
@George read the story.
1
To Mrs. Santos: your child is a “perfect American”. It is our belief in American principles, our love of others based on who they are, that bind us together as a force for good. None of us choose our parents or our place of birth. We can only choose what to do in our circumstances. I cannot understand why anyone can support the vanity, greed, selfishness, dishonesty, and corruption that is Trump and his groveling Republican supporters. I am sure that your husband’s clothes went to the people he would have selected himself.
26
This story reminds me, for the 1000th time, that we as a country are so much better, in so many ways, than our cowardly, racist, and corrupt leadership. We will overcome. We have to.
64
I have a friend who was deported to Colombia after 40 years and immigrating as a young child. He knew practically no one there except for scattered relatives he never connected with as an adult. He struggled financially and continues to do so. Days without meals were common until he humbly asked me for money only after severe hunger because he didn’t want to impose.
Immigrants, for the most part, are hard working people who simply do not have a voice because of their status. Those of us in a position to speak on their behalf are pushed aside as liberal whacks.
The answer eventually came to you and I could not be prouder of how you went about it with the clothes. I’m sure your husband was smiling from above.
37
Thank you so much. I fear I may be facing this situation too soon, with a beloved husband now very ill. Your story gives me courage.http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
20
I donate clothes to the Salvation Army
5
Thank you for sharing...Peace.
6
I despise Trump as much as anyone. But this is like a bait and switch from disposing of a deceased loved one‘s clothes, a very practical concern, to a course political rant. Sounds like you are very angry about your husband’s passing and trying to find an outlet. I would sincerely suggest you seek therapy to work through your grief.
8
@Patrick Ouch, you are so mean!
6
@Patrick read the story. Read it better.
14
@Patrick
It's only a bait-and-switch if you seek to flatten this deceased man to a one-dimensional MacGuffin for the sake of lecturing his widow about how she ought to grieve.
15
I lost my husband of 30 years to pancreatic cancer in January. He was 58. Your story really story spoke to me (lots of liberating his belongings back into the world where they were needed and wanted). Like your guy, my husband was the optimist that became totally disgusted about Trump's immigration policies. Less than a week before he died he said, "When I was born IKE was President. I am gonna die with Trump as President. I am ashamed. What a tragedy for so many fine people and a stain on our country's honor."
42
When my partner died of suicide, I kept one of his scarves and confessed to my therapist how frightened I was of it losing his scent. She advised me to keep it in a ziplock bag. More than eight years later, his essence is still here.
19
Tommy was a Nisei Japanese-American infantry soldier in WWII, a neighbor of my parents. When he was lost to dementia in old age, shortly before he died, his wife gave me his Italian dress shoes which are, to this day, the best quality shoes I have ever owned.
The thing is, shoes carried a lot of freight with Tommy. Even though he was an American soldier, his parents were interned in one of those American concentration camps. When on leave he would have to go back and forth between the camp and a shoe store bringing them shoes to try on because they couldn't leave, of course. In time,
Tommy suffered a grievous stomach wound in combat. He survived but, as I understand it, his digestive system was damaged.
Now retired myself, I rarely have need for dress shoes. Irrespective, I never put them on without marveling at their suppleness and thinking of Tommy.
32
Why does every article have to include Trump? Yes, he is despicable, I would have liked to read this through, without being reminded of him.
Since my husband was a Vet, I gave his clothes to a veterans organization. Seemed right.
6
@Samantha Kelly Why does every article have to include Trump? That's because Trump has poisoned this nation to its very core and permeated us all with his vile emanations. We have all been skunked by him and cleansing ourselves of the stink will take years. That's why.
Thank you for your insight. There are many people with the same quandary and you have helped them.
6
Heartrending. So sorry - about everything.
8
This is beautiful.
8
Heartwarming. Thank you for your poignant words.
7
Goodwill or the Salvation Army will take them.
This is a fine point but your title seems to be asking;
Who Will Wear The Clothes My Husband Was Wearing When He Died ?
God Bless You.
You found the right home for his clothes.
6
Tears. For many reasons. Thank you.
7
Thank you for writing your essay.
5
Thank you for sharing something uplifting.
5
When my daughter was about 3 years old I had a job that required a lot of travel, often over a week at a time. She used to snatch my pillow from our bed and when asked why she said, "...because it smells like papa..."
Your experience rings so true. Thank you for sharing.
11
My beloved Nan died 17 years ago and I still wear her house coat during the summer months. It’s thread bare but I love thinking about her and the dramatic way she’s rip open the front buttons just to make us kids laugh. They are so much more than just clothes. So glad yours found a new home.
13
Thank you for sharing. This was a really beautiful story. My deepest condolences on the loss of your husband.
I collect clothing for a church with a wonderful neighborhood outreach center in an area that has high homelessness. The greatest need for this area is for men’s clothing. I have gotten to know several ladies who have lost their husbands and it’s all different - some have given it away while the husband was alive but with Alzheimer’s while others have taken 3 years before they can part with their husbands clothes. Most say they keep something to remind them. But all tend to say ‘giving to others is what my husband would have been happy about’. Everyone grieves on their own time.
16
You did the absolutely Right Thing.
Both for yourself and people in need.
I have seen those in grief simply throw away a late loved one’s clothing - they needed to be rid of it, but I wondered why they were so shocked, at the time, of letting another have some benefit from what became landfill or ash.
I’ve seen people, who do not need the money, insist in trying to sell everything at garage sales.
When my father died at 89, his widow of 63 years - still in love - made sure everything usable was given a new home.
In her case, family came first, and she still likes seeing her late husband’s clothes on her children’s bodies.
She also enjoys knowing her father’s tools are still in use in my hands, that her parents’ bedroom furniture is in the room where her grandnephews were conceived.
But there was plenty of perfectly good clothing that just didn’t interest or fit anyone (perfectly respectable clothing).
It went to a charity for immigrants.
We have no idea who got those clothes. Whether they were here “legally” or not.
I only hope an old suit and tie helped someone get a job.
And everything from jeans to T-shirts ended up giving some people something to wear until (I hope) they can buy their own clothes and pass along anything still usable.
I wish you had more time with your husband - but know there are a lot of people who have no idea where their clothes came from, but are happy someone decided to honor a loved one by filling their most basic needs.
14
Thank you for writing so poignantly about the loss of your husband. Your words went directly from the phone screen into my heart. God bless.
9
When I met my kind, generous husband, he was at the beginning of a career working with people, mostly adult men, with addictions and other behavioral health disorders. When he died suddenly and unexpectedly 23 years later, I offered up his professional clothing - slacks, dress shirts, dress shoes - to a local residential program where adult men are finding their way back into society after instances of substance abuse, addiction and criminal behavior that may come with that. This was one small way to help these men present themselves with dignity, and to honor the faith that my husband put into every one of these men he encountered.
25
My wife of 34 years, an immigrant from Belgium, died two and a half years ago. I spritzed her favorite scarves with her perfume and sent them to her best friends and sisters-in-law. Our son's fiancé wears the same shoe size, so I mailed two dozen pairs of shoes, still reasonably trendy, to Chicago. I kept a few choice things that I occasionally smell.
16
One visit, I borrowed a big, warm shirt from my dad to wear as a jacket. It was super comfy and I said, “you should give this to me for Christmas!” Which, of course, he did, wrapped and under the tree.
It was a win-win-win: he knew I’d love it, he didn’t have to shop, and he no longer had to wear the purple shirt.
Fast forward 15 years, and I was traveling back for my dad’s funeral — he also died, shortly after diagnosis, of pancreatic cancer. I wore my dad’s shirt on the cross country flight.
And I felt enveloped in his love.
38
Love reading these heartfelt and uplifting tales in the comments as well as in the original article, a reminder of all the good in this world - and right now, we need these reminders.
My mother's cardigans remain in the hall closet and warm anyone who arrives chilled as well as warming me. My late husband's ties went to the athletic department of the local high school for those athletes who are required to dress on game days but need a tie. His best suits went to the drama department, hopelessly out of fashion but fine for drama productions. HIs brand-new (never worn) and almost-new Timberland boots went to two custodians who where very happy with the boots, which fit both perfectly.
There is solace in finding a good home for clothing of those we loved. How wonderful that so many who wrote found ways to help others as they grieved.
28
Beautiful story - That we all need in these awful times
13
@Joe Nahemi I inherited the closet space -shelves marked off for dress shirts,tee's etc...I quickly filled it with my excess!! Reminded everytime of his smell,him.
I open the closet door & we are one again.
I painted two heartshaped rocks,inscribed to my beloved & they sit with his picture on the night table.
We are still one..Pug Horton wilber
1
Beautiful writing. Thank you for sharing your very personal pain with us; and helping us see the universal joy that can be found in helping our fellow humans.
19
What a beautiful tribute and way to share your husband with world. 10 months after my fiancé died, I was walking our dog and noticed the line at the soup kitchen across the street on a chilly morning. The next thing I know, I’m gathering bags and bags of his sweaters and coats to give to them. I probably looked like a lunatic in my haste and spontaneous action, but in my heart I knew it was the right time and the right people.
47
@Laura Wonderful, spontaneous, generous action...you have inspired me to be more observant and quick to respond when I see need right in front of me. Thank you!
4
Last year I went to a "Families Belong Together" march in Denver. I can't remember ever feeling so helpless about this country as I have since I learned that we -- yes, we Americans -- were allowing our government to wrest children from the arms of their parents, basically inflicting possible lifelong damage to their young brains.
My non-smoking husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in January of 2017 and died in July. I remember one day, as he was in the midst of yet another chemo treatment, his sleepy attempt at humor, saying that the election had probably brought about his illness.
I have always wanted these immigrants to have his clothing. I just don't know how to do it. Nor do I have the courage yet to part with his things.
30
Lovely and moving piece.
I finally parted with my husband's overcoat. I still can't throw away his shoes.
But the coat now protects a friend.
18
Beautiful.
I also deal with sadness by making things or giving them away. It feels like a small way to right the balance again.
The principal’s son at my son’s school died unexpectedly in his early 20s. The thought of her tending our children after losing her own hurt my heart. So I worked with the art teacher and each class stamped a fabric block and wrote notes of love on it. I made a quilt of the blocks and some of her son’s t-shirts. It was the hardest quit I’ve ever made. The smell of laundry detergent on his shirts got me every time.
We both wept when I gave her the quilt. I hope it gives her comfort.
38
Concerning my parents, clothes weren't the problem. To many people need them.
2
Thank you for writing this beautiful essay. It helps to know there are kind and generous people out there and not all worship at the feet of Trump.
The very best to you and your daughter.
12
My mother died 10 years ago and I am still struggling to part with her belongings. She was a talented seamstress and made the most beautiful clothes. I decided to keep a few truly lovely outfits and donate the rest to shops that help people make a new start. I also kept her jewellery and wear it regularly. It is a way of honouring her. Parting with a loved one's belongings is a heart-piercing task but we all find our own way of doing it. Good luck to us all.
28
My husband died 18 years ago this month. A good friend of his helped me very soon with his beautiful suits and shirts. My brother has his leather jacket, my best friend’s son his coat we bought in Paris..... I have a couple of flannel shirts that I wear and a pair of very worn shoes that hold special meaning. Keep a few things that bring the person’s presence to you.
I am remarried, but these things will stay with me. Thank you for such poignant writing and giving such good advice on dealing with this all too common emotional dilemma.
26
First, please accept my sympathies on your deep loss.
And madam, I salute you.
What an utterly perfect tribute to your wise husband, to your beautiful marriage and absolutely 'perfect American' daughter.
I will remember your story.
95
I wear an old cashmere sweater of my dad’s as I write this. He died 20 years ago, and the sweater is super warm for my heart and body right now during this cold snap. It’s covered with holes and threadbare, but fits perfect under my shirt. I’m so glad I saved one piece of his clothing. The rest went to the adult son in recovery of an elderly friend of my mother’s . I think if this man job hunting with new to him suits.
My dad was an HR leader, so it came around to the other side of his desk.
23
I wore several of my grandfather's shirts in the first few years after his death. I was 18 at the time, and this seems odd in retrospect, but at the time, it seemed entirely appropriate.
15
I have a nephew who wore his late grandfather’s cream colored wedding jacket circa 1950 for his own wedding. Very spiffy and so sweet. Our daughter has her grandmother’s pearls, and our son will inherit his great-grandmother’s luncheon set because as a toddler he ate off those dishes and remembers those visits still. They’re clothes, jewelry, dishes — stuff to anyone else, but for us they are forever tinged with the memories of those who owned them long ago.
5
It takes time to be ready to let go. It was years before I donated my father’s clothes to a group that helps men in recovery. I am glad that they can actually use them.
10
I will wear them! I was handed clothes from my sister-in-law after her father passed. He was a great man and we were very similar in size. I proudly wore his clothes and still do.
15
Thank you. Your story inspires and uplifts. Our deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. May his love always be present in the lives of you and your daughter.
35
Like you, I wanted to "share" my father's nice clothes with others after he died; I couldn't bring myself to donate them to Salvation Army--that seemed to impersonal. I still have a couple of his sweaters 11 years later, but I made sure that those who loved him were able to take what they wanted, then I donated the rest to charities that help others get on their feet by building self esteem and helping them move forward toward a hopefully better life. Thanks for sharing your story, and for the beautiful way you honored your late husband's memory.
15
My mother died over 20 years ago and I still have a box of her clothes. I can still smell her essence on them, and haven’t been able to get rid of them.
So interestingly I spoke with a friend today. She lost her husband a year ago this month, and she was telling a story about a suit he wore for years, and how great he always looked in it. She has shared that their cat spends most of the day in his closet on a chair under his shirts, which she hasn’t been able to part with yet.
Yes, we all grieve differently. My father asked me to remove Mom‘s things immediately. I kept that one box and donated the rest.
Yours is a beautiful story. I do hope you and your daughter find comfort and peace. His unsent message added a special depth to his passing.
Thank you for sharing.
32
thank you for your vulnerability and candor. this was beautiful to read. i cried, but my heart has been warmed, and my hope restored.
19
Such a beautiful way to honor your husband's memory and his values. Donating his clothing to struggling immigrants is a living memorial to him as his clothing helps improve the quality of life for people in a simple but very meaningful way. It sounds like you did exactly what he would have wanted you to do.
Thank you for sharing this story and inspiring us all to help in any way we can.
25
My husband died of pancreatic cancer 25 yrs. ago. It took me months before I could face his side of the walk-in closet. A friend helped me and particular pieces I gave to another good friend's husband.
My daughter and I still have a particular t-shirt - almost shredded - but beloved. Time heals, but love and sadness - and mundane things - help. Keep wearing that bathrobe or shirt. I can't part with a t-shirt!
18
Thanks for this, it’s nice to know there are still some thoughtful, decent people in this country.
43
My husband of 56 years died six weeks ago from colon cancer. Today I filled a heavy black plastic construction bag with all the clothes in his drawers. As I picked up each of his golf shirts I could picture in my mind how handsome he looked in each one. It has been such a difficult task but I drove my car to the very large Goodwill drop off center knowing that somebody could make good use of his well taken care of clothes. He was a very kind and generous person always eager to lend an ear and help others. He would be happy to know that somebody will look and feel comfortable in his clothing.
62
Please know you will be in my thoughts in the days and weeks to come. May the love and light of his spirit comfort you if only for fleeting moments.
6
I was the only one who could fit into my father's clothes and shoes so this became my inheritance. Everyone else got power equipment and other treasures. It was a hard time, that moment of dividing things but it had to be done.
On the way home that evening I looked down and saw my father's sneakers on the car pedals. how could I be wearing my father's shoes? It was a long time before I could resume driving as I let the tears dry for a moment.
44
Ah, the clothes. My husband died nearly five years ago from cancer. I wore his robe for months. But he had a lot of good socks and jeans and coats that I gave to a nearby homeless shelter.
But his shoes -that took longer.
But hardest of all were his shirts. He loved checks, plaids and stripes. I had a storage bin of those. I thought of making quilts for me and our two sons. But I decided on pillow covers.
It was hard to not give these shirts away to those in need but the pillows mean so much to me and my boys.
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@Melissa Westbrook
Beautiful sentiment. Thank you for sharing.
After my grandfather died, my grandmother would sometimes wear his flannel robe or his cardigan sweater.
After a couple of years, we packed his clothes and donated them. It was hard for her, but we did it together.
She kept his robe and sweater hanging in the hall closet, where they hung when he was alive. From time to time, over the years, when she missed him, she would wear one of them.
She found it comforting and familiar.
I always found it endearing.
We do what we have to comfort our souls.
56
One of my closest college friends passed away late August. His wife gave me his ties.
For an uncle who passed six years ago, I split the ties amongst the nephews and grand-nephews. The ties show up on occasion at family events.
If you don't wear a tie, well, you just aren't dressed.
51
My husband died in July 2016 after a battle with cancer. I kept his clothes right where they were when he died, and I wore many of his tee shirts because they smelled like him. As much as I would have liked to never have to make the decision, I knew he'd want his clothes to keep others warm. In the midst of a frigid cold snap about 18 months later, I took all his clothes to a homeless shelter. The men there helped me unload his clothes from the trunk. They were thrilled to see winter coats and wool socks, along with pants, shirts, and sweaters. It was what he would have wanted. I am still soothed by the look of gratitude on those men's faces.
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@Lydia Jane
That was the perfect thing to do with his clothes.
I'm grateful that you shared your husband's words with us as so many of us went into shock after the election and also felt crushed and deeply disappointed--about the loss of a country we thought was secure. I am more convinced now that it was an election heist--but still good people are being manipulated and conditioned to fear and to hate. I'm grateful you were able to give more of your husband--through these belongings--to people in need. It's a good reminder to all of us to look around and say "thank you" to what immigrants have brought, given, and sacrificed for this country.
62
@Ann The “election heist” you mentioned occurred due to the Electoral College system, that was foisted upon us by James Madison and the other white slave owners in 1787. It’s a racist, antiquated, anti-majoritarian system that needs to be deleted from the US Constitution.
When my mother died in 2011, my sisters and I waited almost a year to remove her clothing - my father couldn’t bear it and we respected his grief. I did however, take a few of her flannel nightgowns - and here I am, still wearing them almost 9 years later. In those first few months after her death, I felt enveloped by her essence whenever I’d wear them. I still do.
103
"Grief is always changing shape. But it never ends.' Keanu Reeves
11
Beautiful story. Thank you.
45
This is truly beautiful, and inspires hope. Your husband would be so proud, no doubt.
51
I ran out of room in my other post to thank you and those commenting for sharing your experiences. Every story sparks an insight for me and I am grateful.
It has been difficult to share my grief knowing that there are so many in this world who have no time to grieve, who have to fight for their survival immediate after their losses, who have to protect loved ones from physical danger and emotional pain. This post made my loss public. I don’t regret it but I do wish that humanity will revolutionize from killing to respecting differences with dialogue no matter how frustrating, difficult and seemingly hopeless.
Warning- Major subject change
Ms. Santos, you mentioned a family member who was a gas meter reader. This reminded me of an interview with Studs Terkel about the subjects in his book Working. He interviewed a Chicago gas meter reader asking him about how he handles the boredom of doing the same thing day in and day out.
The man said he loves his job especially in summer. He explained that gas meters are located in backyards. In the summer women sunbathe in the backyard in untied bikini tops lying on their stomachs.
When he notices a person he yells “GAS MAN!” startling the female bather. To his utter delight she would jump up without her bikini top. No need to go on and on but this is what brought him moments of joy in his daily mundane routine of reading meters.
Hearing Studs tell the story gave my day a moment of joy as did sharing this with you.
34
@Agent 99 I am sorry for your losses.
It is disturbing that the meter reader found delight in humiliating women.
6
@J. I appreciate your condolences and your perspective on the story.
I did consider whether to include it or not for a similar reason. Working was published in the early ‘70s. Studs had verbally retold the gasman story hundreds of times On the occasion I heard it the sentiment didn’t portray a deliberate practice of humiliation but I understand your response
I cannot speak for that man but I think that he would announce his presence whether or not the woman was sunbathing. If I recall correctly the gas company sent postcards letting customers know the date and time of an upcoming meter reading because the meters were inside the homes. So the context of the job task was lacking but important. Clearly I’m not blaming the female customer but I’m hoping to minimize the observation that his experience and motivation were acts of deliberate humiliation
I could be totally wrong and just projecting my interpretation. Compared to the grabber in chief’s boasting of barging in on girls dressing rooms, lusting after his daughter’s ’ Body and paying to silence his victims and coconspirators this 50 year old story is in my opinion not about humiliation but about a happenstance of his occupation
I would also hazard to guess that his employer never heard of sensitivity training and just sent employees out to fend for themselves against occupational hazards and customer interactions.
2
This is one of the most thoughtful, beautiful, and moving things I have read in a long time. Thank you for the rawness, the honesty, the hope.
120
I am so sorry for your loss When my father died almost two years ago, each of his children and grandchildren were able to select any items that they wanted. Most of us took one of his baseball caps, tee shirts or ties.
The remaining clothing was given to Goodwill.
Their clientele include people from all walks of life, including senior citizens, immigrants who can barely speak English and families with children.
I wish you good luck on whatever you decide.”
49
My condolences on this anniversary of your husband's death, November 1st. My husband died in February 2018, also too young and too vibrant. A wonderful quilter created lovely quilts for our kids; and I hold on to a some pieces for perhaps baby quilts or holiday stockings in the future. But it has been a balm to my heart to share with local refugee families too.
50
Ms. Santos,
This is beautiful and I wish there were more people that feel the way that you do about immigrants. Please keep up the good work and be strong.
Regards,
84
Beautiful and heart breaking. Thank you.
35
Thanks for writing this piece.Your own loss opens you to the losses in the world. I wish you well in your journey.
52
Thank you for the smile and the tear. We need the courage of find our way through the fog of emotional pain and into the light of a future of love and less pain.
16
My loss year was 2016 - my 69 yo sweetie in Jan., my 88 yo dad in Aug., my 92 yo stepdad in Nov. One of the most striking lessons learned is that every person grieves in their own way. No way is better or worse. Maybe there is a grief gene.
I didn’t want my sweeties clothing to go to a resale charity, rather directly to men who needed them. I lacked the emotional strength to seek out a suitable charity. I closed the closet door until uncharacteristically I joined a neighborhood Facebook group in June 2019.
Within a week there was a post seeking men’s clothing, skinny pants, short sleeve shirts and big shoes. 2 days later the requestor came to the house and helped me empty the closet, the wholly sock drawer, 5 electric razors, etc. Her Nissan Ultima was filled - passenger, rear seats and trunk.
It took 3.5 years. I kept a few sentimental pieces. Interestingly the absence of his clothing has not lessened maybe changed the ongoing grief.
My mother took a completely opposite path. Within 2 days she gave some things to visitors. A week later with the help of a friend packed the cars and donated stepdad’s clothing to a local VA homeless shelter.
My dad was living in a state veteran’s home at the time of his death. His clothing remained at the home.
One family, shared genes, 3 different ways of honoring our loved ones’ legacies.
My mother’s quick removal surprised me. Having 10 months on her I said go slowly. She said, that’s not me. I thought well that’s not me
26
@Agent 99 You made me smile with the last line of your post.
3
@Agent 99 your comment is much better than the article
This is beautiful. Thank you
19
At my age, I don't think of 44 as relatively young. It is young. My condolences on the loss of your husband. He sounded like a terrific guy.
When my wife's best friend died, she wore his Ralf Lauren jacket for years. Some found it odd, she found it comforting. When her mother died, she called the local consignment shop to see if they'd be interested in her mother's beautiful wardrobe. Their kind answer: 'we always take mom clothes.' We want to think of our loved ones somewhere in the world, still making a difference. Just as your husband is, as others use his clothing to seek new opportunities, or to have a chance to wear fine clothes, and good about themselves. Kudos.
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Perhaps I'm feeling harsh, we all have to find our own way to grieve, but I'm shocked that his clothes remained in a Phoenix closet for 16 months. My wife died in April 2018, 5 weeks after a diagnosis of colon cancer. I also smelled her clothes hoping for a lingering scent, but to no avail - she had good clothes and took good care of them.
She wore her clothes, she didn't live in them. She was good and beautiful. I honor her memory every day by trying to be good and finding beauty around me.
Since 2014 we had been serving as volunteers with Project Oak Tree in Las Cruces, assisting Central American asylum seekers to travel to their sponsors and immigration hearings. Had my wife not been 5'11" tall, her clothing would have gone to them immediately after her funeral. Instead 80% went to the La Casa Women's Shelter and most of the rest to a program at New Mexico State University that assists low income students to acquire attire appropriate for job interviews.
My point is that in a poor community like mine, the basic material needs of my neighbors outweigh any sentimental attachment I have to material.
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@David Finston I think you hit the nail on the head in your first sentence. We all grieve differently. I lost my dad when I was 15. I didn't want my mother to get rid of my dad's things until a little later and she was supportive. Maybe the fact that the author had a daughter made her more hesitant. She also lost him very quickly. That may make a difference. It is also strange to think of giving away someone's personal belongings to someone else after they die. Maybe they didn't get a chance to talk about it. Perhaps men are less attached too. My point is whatever works for you, but realize other factors may be at platy. RIP to your loved ones.
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@David Finston
It is important to have compassion.
Some people need to hold onto clothes and personal items longer as a way to deal with their grief.
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@David Finston
I appreciate your honesty, sir. And what clearly worked for you and honored your wife best, well it worked for you and only you could decide the latter.
But would suggest ... everyone, everything in its own time.
I applaude Ms. Santos for her decision and can find no fault with timing. It seems perfect.
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Moving and beautiful. Thank you Ms Santos. I have often thought of what I will do when my husband of 52 years passes on to the Great Beyond. He has advanced Parkinson's Disease now, yet, always being a tenacious and strong man, he is not ready to let go. And that is okay with me and our grown daughters. We all know what lies ahead, and probably soon; yet we are determined to be a family as long as is possible. When my husband was "healthier" with PD, mobile and able to walk, talk, and even swallow, I asked my son-in-law if he would like to have Don's good wool and leather jackets. He no longer had use for them, and I knew they would be in good hands. Our son accepted. The suit Don wore to our daughter's wedding, I can not give up, and truthfully I do not know if I will ever be able to. The rest of his clothes, when I am ready, will go to our local hospital's "boutique" which in turn contributes the proceeds from its sales to its Hospice. I like that, and I know my husband will, too.
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@Kathy Lollock
Hold onto the suit.
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@Hope Thank you, Hope. (What a lovely name.)
You did not only the right thing, but several right things. God bless you and your daughter. Your husband was a fine human being.
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Thank you for your essay. I'm glad you sought out courage and found it. So hard when grieving. Blessings for you and your family.
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Your husband sounds like a terrific guy - his misplaced optimism right after the election notwithstanding - and I am sure you know you were lucky to have him. But make sure you always remember that he sure was lucky to have you. And I'm pretty certain he knew that.
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This may seem gruff or blunt. When my Dad passed away in November, my Mom who was never a decider certainly was not gonna approach the sorting and distributing of Dad’s duds. I insisted his clothes must find their way to charities before Christmas. Giving a positive purpose with a target timeline to the duty made it palatable to her.
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@Suburban Cowboy It does not sound gruff or anything close to it. We all grieve on our own timelines and in our ways, and many of those depend on how long you had to come to terms with the death of a loved one.
If you are blessed to have that time, the patient can, more often than not, be part of the process. It may sound gruff or blunt, to quote you, but I believe that it also helps the patient to be part of a decision making when so many decisions in care have been taken away from him or her.
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@ Suburban Cowboy: The relationship you had with your parent is different than that of a spouse. His clothes did not have the same emotional meaning to you. One must not rush grieving. I hope your Mom is ok. We all grieve as we can and deserve space, time and utmost compassion.
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I am a daughter, mid-40s, buried my mother 2 years ago and my dad 17 years ago. I did have a quite intimate relationship with my mom’s clothes. She rarely went shopping without me, and as the years went on, I bought most of her clothes for her. I always took such joy in finding her something she would like. It took me a while to stop looking for things for her after she died.
And my dad was a big shoe guy. Not 50 different shoes. Mostly the same ones for decades at a time. I was upset a pair was not saved for me.
Just yesterday I was ready, with help, to clear my mom’s things and donate them to a DC charity that gives them, free, to those in need. Mom would have been pleased. I hope they are well used. She was well loved.
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Thank you for this lovely essay. I also lost lost my husband in 2017, and it took some time and research, but I found a local organization that helps men get skills for new jobs, and clothes to interview for and start those jobs. Most of his clothes went there, but there are a few sweaters and jackets that I kept and wear even though they’re big - that actually makes them perfect for wrapping up against the current cold and rain.
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It’s seldom, these days, that we get to read about real people whose emotions we share. Ms. Santos’ story is poignant and in a way that I think all people with hearts can agree. It feels great to read about resolution and a happy ending to a big sadness. Thank you.
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A most beautifully written essay.
Humanity is what I feel....so different
than the inhumanity on display in the
White House. Thank you Fernanda.
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Thank you for sharing how your broken heart gave you the strength and determination to carry out your husband's dying frustrations, or wishes of what he would do if his life were sustainable. Clothes + Heart = Humanity, compassion, love
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This is a beautiful, moving piece...thank you so much for sharing. I am wearing out the clothes I took from my sister after she died of ALS in 2012. Somehow they bring me comfort and keep her close. I can't imagine having to witness the children in shelters at the border, they will have permanent scars from the trauma of it all. You are a strong woman. Sending love and healing and strength to go on.
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touchy story which we need more of these days! Thank you!
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I am an artist... and a quilter. I have made unique and special throws out of clothing from a person who has passed away. I've found that it's a lot easier to give away their clothing when you are able to hang on to those 'special" pieces and have them made into something else. You can wrap it around you and even pass it down to future generations. They are such a comfort to the one still living. I've made pillows too... it's such a fun project to do.
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@Al After my father passed away, my mother gave some of his suits to my uncle. My aunt kept them and, many years later when I was getting married, she gave me a table runner quilted from the material and some tablecloths that were my grandparents'. My aunt and her friends did the quilting work.
My aunt has since passed away, so now it is a memory of all who contributed to it.
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@Al
My house is full of repurposed furniture, silverware, even clothing, of my passed parents. They only saw my home a few times but their presence is here now...everywhere.
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@Cleareye My sister took my grandmother's silverware engraved with the family surname initial and had the spoons turned into rings for the granddaughters; no one has real silverware these days, and the rings are a lovely keepsake.
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What a beautiful, thoughtful, heart-felt piece. I'm glad you were able to find the right place for your husband's clothes, for people who really need every bit of help they can get. And I hope that you've found a new outlet for some of your emotion and time. Take good care of yourself, and your daughter. She needs you more than you can know.
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Your husband sounds like a great man. I'm sorry he lost his life but I'm sure he would be happy that his clothes will embrace people who need it most. He (and you) are inspiring.
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Thank you for this lovely and poignant story- the clothing of our lost beloveds hangs in the closet with stories and memories and an occasional toothpick or match book found in the pocket. The unsent message found you, and surely the clothes have a new life of hope.
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I was very touched by this article...it reminds us that we are all immigrants and how badly our country is failing these days.
Brava, Fernanda...
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Thank you and God bless.
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Doc here. Sorry about your husband.
Pancreas CA is a bad deal. Alex Trebek has it and was talking some nonsense on the TV about symptoms like jaundice and abdominal pain--early symptoms. These are late symptoms. There are no early ones. The horse is out of the barn when jaundice shows.
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@vbering I bow to you as an MD, but there ARE early signs, which my friend, a nurse, took seriously for a while, but when she was told by MDs in IA in the fall, an MD in AZ in the winter, that nothing was wrong and to eat more Omeprazole or something, she waited to get other advice until she got back from AZ to CO in the spring, because she believed them. She died five months later.
This is such a heartbreaking story but with a lesson at the end. If your lost loved one had a strong affiliation to a certain charity, of course you may try to donate, but if they don't take donations, then ask them where they think you should donate. My husband and I are in our mid-70s and early 80s, and we never thought to ask each other where we should want our clothes or other items to go. We will now - and I already know...
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@Merete Cunningham
By early symptoms I meant symptoms that appear when the disease is curable, not symptoms that appear a significant time before the diagnosis is made. This is standard medical jargon--sorry that was not clear.
If the patient died 5 months later, the disease was likely already incurable, metastatic. Earlier diagnosis would likely not have helped to extend life much, if it extended life at all. Chemo for pancreas CA is not very effective.
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@vbering No, I understand what you are saying but my friend had symptoms early in that first summer. We talked about it, and because her husband had just finished a difficult cancer treatment, she thought that god couldn't send another curse.
Then, that fall, they visited relatives in IA and visited several MDs there, where she was told to take Omeprazole. They then went to their winter home in AZ and were told the exact same thing. When we visited them there in April, she had signs that looked and sounded like indigestion, but it seemed very severe. She decided to wait until May in Fort Collins to investigate this further. In June she got the diagnosis and I November she died.
She died 18 months after she first went to the doctor who first misdiagnosed this. I am not saying that she could have survived anyway, but her symptoms should have given her a quicker diagnosis and a better chance of survival. And no, she was told to have palliative chemo, and stopped it after one treatment because of the side effects.
What I am saying is that of course, at Stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer, there was little chance of survival, but again, she was diagnosed in June, but had had symptoms since May of the previous year.
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Beautiful. Courageous. Inspiring.
Thank you.
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My heart hurts. Thank you.
We need these poignant reminders of our humanity to remember and stand up, every day.
There are many good people in the world; Fernanda writes truly and directly of the way forward.
Thank you again.
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Thank you for sharing your story, for giving your husband's clothing to people in need and to helping with translation. The more we reach out to others the more we help not only them but ourselves.
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I am so sorry for your loss. You truly married the right manm and he married the right woman. His memory is a blessing to you and your daughter.
I started reading your article with the hope it would tell me what to do with my wife's beautiful clothing. I lost her, far too young, 2 months ago.
I don't have the strength yet to make any decisions about them. I find comfort in seeing them hang in her closet. Some i"m sure will go to my daughters. I hope that I will have the strength to give some away to those less fortunate than us.
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@BS
"I find comfort in seeing them hang in her closet."
My mother was my best friend. She's been gone almost 40 years. I still have some of her sweaters in my cedar chest for protection against moths.
This time of year I find myself missing her and thinking about her and pulling out those sweaters because they too give me comfort.
There are no right or wrong answers when grappling with what to do with a loved ones possessions. The only answers are those that feel the best and dearest in your heart. I think when the time comes, you will have a better feel for what direction and path to take.
Profound condolences on the passing of your wife. I'm sure those 2 months often feels like only a few days. I will keep you close to my heart. Take care.
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@Marge Keller I, too, miss my mom. As the weather grows colder, I'll soon be opening the drawers full of her beautiful sweaters (some she knitted for herself and some she made for me) and lovingly putting them on.
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@Marge Keller
Such a gift to have a mother with whom you were best friends. It’s a tribute to her that you still miss her after four decades.
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poignant, lovely story. you made my day!
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