The writer is well rid of Jim. You know that whole thing about believing people when they shown you who they are? Jim used his elderly dog to hurt his ex? And then he didn’t even want the “thing” he fought for? Awful.
Bye bye, Jim!
About “dogs who bite will bite again,” it depends on the situation. Female dogs mean it when they fight for dominance. They will usually keep up the fighting until they establish their place in the pack (or sometimes, if the opponent is another female, until they kill the other dog). I once had a young female try to kill my other female when she started showing signs of age, even though they had lived together for a couple years. With neutered (male) dogs sharing a household, my experience has been that they might have one quick spat (over something like food, a toy or a bed) and then the hierarchy is established. They tend to go for display and snap bites more than a crushing bite to the jugular. With a female bossing around a male, the male usually relents, so the fighting stops, even if the posturing doesn’t. I don’t have much experience owning intact male dogs, but the fighting I have seen among them (outside of my household) has involved far more posturing than real damage.
Animals and situations vary, but those are the behaviors I have seen over five decades of dog ownership. No need for a dog psychologist — just a good understanding of dog hierarchy. And be careful of the females! The b word is an insult for a reason.
When a friend told me that he and his wife were splitting and would take turns living in the house while they sorted things out, I was deeply concerned. So I thought about it and then texted him asking about their wonderful golden retriever, "Who gets Smithie?" His reply, "Smithie gets the house."
19
Depends. Is the dog is potty trained?
1
So glad that Zoe is with you.
2
Who gets the... Oh, have you opened yourselves up to a juicy but rather sexist play on words!
https://emcphd.wordpress.com
3
Me.
She got “her” dog until the dog decided to come with me. The dog was my companion for years. Loving until the end.
2
Unless it were a show dog, worth a great deal of money, why would anyone want it?
1
Not complicated. Men get the dog. Women get the cat. Any other crazy or exotic pets are released into the wild. Probably the only way to get couples these days to actually consider the consequences of their separation beyond their own selfish wants.
1
As difficult as joint custody can be for children - living a life endlessly schlepping from one household to another - it is an absurd notion for a dog. If you don’t understand why, maybe you shouldn’t have one.
1
Going thru my divorce was absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. At the time, we had a herd of 50 dairy cows, and two kids. He got the cows - he sold them. I got the kids - he didn’t care. Since then, until he died, he had very little contact with them. Even though 50 years has passed, the whole thing still festers inside me.
9
The assumptions people make are so interesting. In this article, both members of the the couple are men. Yet, a number of comment writers refer to the author as “she” because the author refers to his husband. Read carefully, folks.
8
Marriage is too difficult for me. I'm not made for it.
Being part of a tribe of animals, yes, I can do that.
When I say "I do" to a pet, I mean "til death us do part".
Unfortunately, I'm a little too wobbly with spouses.
I sit here shaking my head, wondering if it's the system or me and I figure it's both.
But congratulations on your win with Zoe. You are a stand up person in my book. Jim is in your rear view mirror and your future is bright. Best wishes.
3
The part that struck me about this essay is where Jim said he wouldn’t pay for any of his little, elderly dog's care “because I won’t ever see her again.” Because it's about him. It made me think about all the deadbeat dads, who don't pay a dime to take care of their own children.
"I don't see my kids any more, so why should I pay to support them?" It's a companion piece to, "If I can't have you, nobody can." Because it's all about him.
13
Not to minimize your travails (I’ve had lifelong canine companions too), but you ain’t seen nothing until you have to deal with an ex-wife who’s happy to use the children as pawns in the payback game.
Luckily my children are now in their mid-20s and in retrospect see their mother for who she is — a vindictive person, motivated by outrage (and I never strayed outside the married; I just “wasn’t supportive enough.”).
Time rectifies these miscarriages of justice, although most states still support the woman’s perspective, regardless of contrary evidence.
I eventually got joint custody of the children. And full custody of the dog!
3
My twelve year colile dachshun mix is a constant shedder and I must clean up after her daily. I would not trade her for all of the furniture in the house or even the house. And she never bit anyone
2
Let's see... he doesn't consider that the dog will miss you when he takes it away, doesn't check whether his new apartment will permit the dog, and doesn't care that in giving the dog back and refusing to relate further, the dog might miss HIM... clearly, taking the dog away in the first place was about being snitty to you and had nothing to do with loving the dog.
8
This story (and maybe the writer's attorney) forgot one thing: she needs to have the settlement agreement modified and signed by her ex stating that she has permanent possession/ ownership/custody of Zoe. What if he changes his mind again???
3
Years ago, my 12 yr old dog was kidnapped by a 'breed rescue' group of crazy people while I was near death in the hospital. Nothing I said when I contacted them after my release made any difference. They admitted they got her from a friend (who mistakenly thought they were supposed to take care of her while I was hospitalized). Those insane people taunted me about having my dog. They wanted my elderly almost blind little dog because I'd gotten her as a puppy from a famous breeder who'd since died. I eventually learned reading this group's internet postings that their leader was obsessed with dogs from that kennel.
I consulted a lawyer who explained that in my state my lifelong connection with my beloved dog legally meant nothing. My dog was just "property" no different from a chair or a radio. Because I no longer had 'pedigree' papers from the breeder, it was impossible to 'prove' I had always owned her. The lawyer estimated costs of a lawsuit at $10,000 & said even so I'd lose because he also believed these people were crazy & would deny having my dog - even hide her.
What I learned from this mess:
Always have contingency plans for your pets in case you have an emergency.
Or get divorced.
Microchip your pet!!!! It wouldn't have helped me. This group bragged on an internet forum that they removed microchips from dogs they illegally obtained.
But microchipping might help if you need to prove your dog belongs to you.
Or your dog gets lost.
Be prepared.
2
Wait! You spent your prenup money on that matchmaker, but you didn't tell us if you're going to sue the matchmaker!
I lost my custody fight, so we "spit" our cats. Absolutely bad idea!!! Nick went to my ex, Sasha came with me. Turns out Sasha was newly pregnant. So I ended up with 7 lovebugs. Nevertheless, I mourned daily for my Nicky who was left with a traveling addict. My heart will hurt forever.
3
You find out who really cares about the animals when breakups occur.
2
If you're lucky, it'll be your spouse.
Mine was easy:
The feckless abusive ex had a misdemeanor Animal Cruelty conviction which prohibited him from owning companion animals for 5 years.
I got the dog and a cat when I moved to the city 3 years ago. Two other indoor/outdoor cats stayed with the farm.
A year ago, he abandoned the two other cats *locked inside* the farm house (which he also abandoned). They were emaciated, but alive. He shot about 20 pigs and left them in a pile to rot, disturbing even our rural neighbors who reported him. The county took the rest of the livestock.
They declined to prosecute him.
Rural counties. Pfaugh! *spits*
2
Clearly, I married well --even if the marriage only lasted 10 years.
When my first husband and I divorced, we negotiated our own property settlement -- and then took it to be reviewed by a lawyer. We included joint custody of our Newfoundland, Sachi. (We didn't need to have a petnup -- we got the puppy while married).
Nice that some jurisdictions are recognizing pets as being more than just things.
13
This is sad, "What about what Zoe wanted? The law does not care. In dividing marital property, judges don’t consider where your TV wants to live, and they’ve been similarly unsentimental about what might be in the best interests of “companion animals.”
Dogs are not pets or property, they are companions. They evolved from wolves to be companions to humans. If they could make humans understand their speech, relationships between dogs and human would be different.
2
Funny topic but if you look at who actually walks dogs in NYC, it is quite clear that single women do walk dogs as mochas single men but once the marriage commences, the majority of the walks are done by men. Without a doubt this clearly shows the commitment to the dog. There maybe cases of some married women walking dogs but the vast majority of dog walking is done by men after the marriage. In divorce many emotions can occur, but the majority of women feel like they have memories of walking a dog when single and this brings about their desire for the dog. it is based on increasing their chances of meeting men once again due to their need to get back in a relationship is redo to their desire for the dog. Even if they do not admit to it, the dog brings about conversation in the park in lonely cities.
3
@Ralph Petrillo Okay, not a dog owner but is it not just as likely that once marriage commences these women are, like most women, doing the majority of household chores and are happy that this is one household chore that the man will do, perhaps without nagging. I have a lot of women friends who love their dogs very much and don't think of them in any way as an object to ignite a relationship.
5
@Greenfordanger
In NYC women remind men constantly of their responsibilities and equality. Modern couples are consumed with the cell phone. Women in cities also have the tendency to constantly remind men of their responsibility in doing housework. Modern women with their cell phones walk while their husbands push the stroller, walk the dog and purchase environmentally unfriendly coffee containers as the majority do not make coffee in their apartments for they want a special cup from cafes. Currently couples sit at tables without giving attention to each other for they are consumed with their cell phones. It is a modern isolated society even when they are supposedly happy.
1
@Ralph: you do realize that this piece was written by a man, right? Not sure how sex or gender generalizations are relevant here.
4
" But I also hoped that the sharing of responsibilities would help us find a way to stay in each other’s lives. Perhaps Zoe, who had brought us so much marital discord, would provide an enduring tie."
And this is why it is legally and emotionally simpler to treat pets as property that should remain with the original owner. The author (and others, I,m sure) want the legal right to use animals as blackmail leverage. That the author stated this with impunity has me shaking my head.
9
@Kennqueen You are 100% correct. She even said she didn't want the dog in the past. Now she knows it will irk Her ex to get the custody that's what she wants
I kept the pets, 2 cats and 1 dog. I also fell into severe chronic depression after the divorce, unable to go to work, keep bills paid, communicate with humans.
But the one thing I knew I had to do was feed the dog and cats. And I knew my English Pointer must get outside, go to the park, and run and play.
Within a year and a half my deep, very dark chronic depression tapered off to depression, within two years I was off meds. All 3 pets were 14+ years old when the divorce was finalized. All 3 died during that second year, but I was able to return to work, think clearly, and see that they were treated humanely during their last days. I love those animals. They loved me.
Now I don't want to be too over dramatic, but when I was enveloped in an ever spiraling downhill mental state, they let me know they had needs... and that put the brakes on my negative tendencies.
I was tentative at first when the pets were left to me, that was the depression talking. I will never underestimate the benefits of pet ownership. They are there, because you are there, and it is a beautiful way to live and survive.
24
I was so disturbed by the writer's attitude in this article.
When a man gives up his dog to get away from you that is not a great sign.
"But I also hoped that the sharing of responsibilities would help us find a way to stay in each other’s lives. Perhaps Zoe, who had brought us so much marital discord, would provide an enduring tie."
I think this statement says so much about what was happening here. Egads. This wasn't about a dog. If it was she'd have let go. It was about her.
4
@L, the couple in this story are a man and a man. The writer is a man. And the way I read it, the ex husband did not want “his” dog anyway, once he got it. He wanted the victory, but not the actual animal. This is frequently the case when couples fight about who gets a pet.
6
@L I'm puzzled by your post.
Zoe's Dad moved to a place that was NOT pet friendly. He then offered Zoe to his divorced partner stating he would not pay anything for upkeep because "I won't be seeing her again."
That statement by Zoe's Dad proves it was not about what was best for Zoe but what was best for Zoe's Dad.
How did you miss this?
6
@L
I realize now the author is a man but I stand by my comment. This was not about the dog, it was about control and winning. Ugh.
3
I recently went through a divorce (finalized last week!) that was fairly contentious. My ex-wife kept trying to convince me to give up custody of our daughter in exchange for our dog. I love the dog, but obviously a child and a dog are not the same, and I’ve had to go to court to maintain a presence in my daughter’s life.
3
@David, I hate seeing couple fight over custody of their kids. I’ve seen it done for all the wrong reasons, and both men and women dragging their exes through the mud in order to win. I saw one father marry a woman with more money and influence than his either he or his ex wife had, and then that new couple went to court to wrest his kids from their now single mother. Totally unfair, and to make things uglier they were wooing the kids with the experiences and things they could buy for them, that their mom couldn’t. Fortunately, there were no pets involved. My sympathy sat fully with the mother, in that case.
3
People complain that divorce is too expensive. This is one example why.
3
Divorce is painful and having to give up a comforting being who is in sync with you is heart-rending
29
While I don't think my husband ever would try to take my two 10 year old cats... He knows I would see him in hell before it happened. On the other hand, I would worry quite a bit about his 9 year old black Lab. I don't like dogs, but he still comes to me when he is scared or not feeling well. Hubby loves him, but he is a very lackadaisical pet owner, I am the one who has taken care any need or comfort Doggo has had outside of feeding and being let out.
5
@YayPGH, aww. The person the dog seeks out for comfort is the person the dog fully trusts most. It’s also the one it considers to be the pack leader. It’s the same dynamic in my household. My dogs love my husband as someone to play with, and all that, and he feeds the dogs on weekends (I think it’s important for everyone in the household to feed the dogs some of the time, for bonding and training), and he watches the dogs when I travel without him. But when the dogs are upset, frightened, sick or injured, they come to me for attention. I think it’s sweet that they know I will fix their problems. I don’t think my husband is a bad person, where dog care is concerned, but he is remarkably blind to a lot of things. I once came home from a short trip and he told me one of the dogs had been acting strangely all day. The dog was in great distress and it turned out she was near death. I took her to the emergency vet immediately. Husband just doesn’t take full responsibility for decisions like that. He decided to wait for me. So frustrating. Unfair to the dog.
9
A dog is not a human child... Let's be honest... The dog should go with the person who spends more time caring for it and with whom it has a closer bond... If that's not obvious then you need an arbitrator to see how the dog responds to each person - someone who knows dogs and is objective.
6
I kept the two dogs and the cat. My ex-husband had viciously kicked both of the dogs; I feared for their safety.
10
Before retirement I was a divorce lawyer in Dallas. One day I was waiting in court for my clients case to be heard. The case before me had a gentleman with a seeing eye dog. His wife was sighted. As he stood at the bench with his dog, his soon to be ex approached the bench from the gallery. The dog was so excited to see Mom! Where have you been!? It’s so good to see you! She gave him a little pat (the dog, not the husband) and he settled down, but he could not keep his loving eyes off of her.
I felt so sad for the dog. At least kids maintain a relationship with both parents. He was probably seeing her for the last time.
20
In our divorce, we fought over money but early on agreed on sharing the dog. Money never licked our face in bed when we were sick or cuddled on the couch while we watched a movie. There was no amount of money that could have paid for that.
Our beloved dog died two years ago, at 15. She passed at my house, next to the lake she loved. My ex was there and we bawled our eyes out together.
28
Grad school, had to move, moved in together, rescued a cat who loved him. He’d never had a pet. I had, was afraid of the commitment. Petnup: this cat is yours until she dies, no matter what happens to us. He signed on. (Good sign.) So did I. We still miss her, 22 married years and a grown kid later.
12
Although our dog is officially mine now, as she is licensed in my name and I pay for all her vet bills, I am happy to share my dog with my ex-wife. This was never a part of our divorce decree, but we both happily agreed to it.
After all, my dog was a part of our family before we divorced. Unlike an inanimate object, people get emotionally attached to their pet. I wouldn't want to deprive my ex-wife of that emotional bond.
27
This is a true dog custody story told to me by a heart-broken dog owner (the husband in a custody settlement). Can't ever forget it.
I met the husband in a Paris restaurant with him and his boss. He, a native of New England and his American wife had worked as ex-pats in the south of France. They were in their early 40’s, in love, had a villa with a swimming pool and house and grounds staff -- and 3 or 4 dogs that they adored.
Their marriage went on the rocks and wound up in the French divorce court where the main point of contention was the dogs. Both wanted full custody and refused to share. It finally was adjudicated by the divorce court: the result being that the dogs would remain at the villa to be cared for by resident custodians. Neither husband nor wife would agree to the other having visiting rights to the dogs – who were to have full run of the villa and the pool. When the husband, he and ex-wife received periodic reports/ photos from custodians who lived in the villa on salary. He showed me pictures of the dogs carted in a wagon by a custodian. Neither husband nor wife were allowed to visit the dogs.
At that time, he was working temporarily in France but was otherwise living primarily in an old, very cold, family cabin in wintery New England because he could not afford otherwise -- though paying for the upkeep of the villa, the custodians, and the dogs.
6
@TerryO, and everyone says the French do things better. Pas vrai.
Do the dogs have socialized medical care?
1
When we separated, my husband was very explicit he wanted to still care for our dogs. He will run them regularly, take care of them on the weekends I work, and has house sat for me several times. I am incredibly grateful for him doing that. We end up more like ships passing in the night by not seeing each other, but in other ways, it has helped us cooperate and communicate better. Not saying we will make in in the end, but the dogs have made it bearable.
16
Wonder if she’d want custody of a child he’d brought to the marriage. Since her initial primary motivation was maintaining a connection with him, I’m not convinced this wasn’t a manipulative divorce move that just incidentally, worked out ok. In any case, she got what she wanted, but it WAS his dog. Lucky for her, he couldn’t keep it. At least not in his girlfriend’s townhouse, which is where I suspect he moved.
1
@Suite 710, this is two men, not a man and a woman. Did you miss that?
3
@Suite 710 I was assuming Jim and Steve were a same sex couple, not that that changes the story (or that there is anything wrong with that). Sorry it did not work out for them. Did Steve get his $16,000 back?
1
I believe the exes are Jim and Steve, not Jim and Eve.
1
I was reading this article to my husband while our blind cat was on my lap. When I asked the question "Who gets the dog after a divorce?" the cat meowed.
I don't speak feline but I think he may have said something like "as long as the dog doesn't wind up here I don't care."
For whatever it is worth Mr. Petrow, I think both you and Zoe got the better end of the deal/divorce because you ended up with each other - devoted to each other and surrounded by love, happiness and an unspoken commitment to one another's heart and soul.
11
The dogs are the only reason we’ve stayed together this long, and now that they are 9 years old we’ve gotten used to our most annoying quirks and attitude problems. There was just no way either of us would have let the dogs go.
15
It is interesting that couples can weather bad spots if they're anal-retentive enough to care about shared pets and objects.
"But who'd get the cats? Could never give up the cats. Who'd get the Lynden B. Johnson biographies? (Gee, Mr. Caro, where's volume five?) What about the piano stool? I saw it in the corner of the antique shop, but can't remember who paid for it. The little Bradley-Hubbard lamp? I bought it, cheap, in the 1970s, but spouse bought the new glass shade around 2005 after I broke the old one . . . ."
One could go on in that vein and then, just like that, 40 years have passed pretty happily.
3
After reading through these comments, it occurs to me that my husband has never taken any of our dogs to the vet, in thirty years of marriage. I’m not sure he even knows where our current vet is. No petnup needed here. The dogs are mine.
21
That’s the point if the story. They are *not solely yours, regardless of how you feel now.
Our marriage of 24 years was troubled. I had taken my two young children to visit our family in the Midwest. During that visit, my husband asked for a divorce.
When we returned, I was shocked to discover he had moved to an unknown location with his secretary and my oldest son. He had also taken half of our worldly possessions, and our much beloved Golden Retriever.
He refused to let me see her. Over the course of a year, our dog became very sick, and he had begrudgingly let me see her. He would not, however, let me take her to our vet.
Several days later, our vet called to tell me that my husband had tried to get him to put our dog to sleep. When our vet refused, he had taken her to another vet, and demanded that she be euthanized.
I guess that was one way to resolve the custody issue. Our divorce was very acrimonious and expensive, but one of the most painful thing was when he had our dog put to sleep.
18
@Banjokatt, I am so sorry for you, and for your kids. People can truly be horrible to one another.
Your husband owned a dog before you met him. Of course the dog is his. If he had kids instead and the tables were turned and you did not like the kids, should you be forced to raise or pay for his kids after the divorce?
4
@John, kids are not dogs and dogs are not kids. Separate species, separate laws. Separate training protocols...one hopes.
6
Where’s King Solomon when you need him?
The solution is simple: cut the dog down the middle.
9
In nyc we had to go to mediation and the door opens and a lady
comes in and says in 28 years of working there she never
heard anyone scream about anything other than money .
She had to see who was screaming about a dog . It was me.
He got the car I got the dog.
83
@Susan you won.
6
@Susan
The car had debt and you can look for single men with this dog. Lol!
6
A new puppy of the same breed would have been $600 or $700 bucks. Just sayin . . .
1
@Chris Stop buying pets. Shelters are pack to the limit on perfectly healthy dogs and cats.
5
My wife sued for a divorce. We were childless, so the dogs filled a hole in my heart. I loved our dogs but had to leave them. No choice. Thirty years have passed and not a week goes by that I do not mourn them. The nightmares won’t leave me. I awaken shaking and trembling. Fred, Zack and Max come to me often in those nightmares. Evidently, she liked the booze and the attention of strangers more than us, so she left them alone too often. They died of broken hearts and so will I. Maybe heaven has a surprise reunion for me. Maybe not.
17
When we split, he took the dog, much to my sorrow. Several weeks later, he did the right thing, (to his credit), after she went on a destructive rampage. The last straw was when she chewed the cord to his TV. I couldn’t have coached her better!
31
Sorry this is snarky but I could not keep from wondering about the following. If she has one, is the author going to invite his ex to a funeral for Zoe, which is likely to happen sooner rather than later given her age and medical woes? Perhaps you could have her cremated and give him the half the ashes which he could keep in that prized blue vase.
1
Hmmm.... this sure wasn't my experience.
When my marriage broke up my ex left me with the pets (two cats and her Newfoundland. She also left me the apartment the furniture, the cars.... the meager bank savings and checking accounts and the all of the credit card balances and bills......
Admittedly she got upset when I took her name off the credit cards after I got everything paid off (because when she felt like it she still would charge cloths meals and so forth. In the settlement I gave her half the value of the newer car. The other one by then being essentially junk and a disposal liability.
It must have been nice to be able to just walk and leave one's mess behind and still have a good credit rating and know that the pets would still eat and have a roof over their heads.
So it's not always a fight to see who gets the pets...
4
@Richard From Massachusetts You got the best part of the deal--the Newfie.
1
Whoever walked it.
3
Ask the dog.
3
Oh, man... Noticed a long time ago that people who discuss their pets and their feelings for their pets - at length - are not happy, well-adjusted human beings. Poor animals get put in the role of "best friend," "child," "family" - to the animals detriment and enabling the person to live a fantasy life that unwisely cuts down on quality "human time." Nice story here? Ending doesn't surprise me at all. And, yes, my funny, loving, smiling wife agrees with me 100%: "Ugh. Pets... Never again... People are better conversationalists, can pick me up at the airport, and rarely need to be "walked." Nice human.
6
@Johnny Woodfin Actually you sound like a sad lonely person that has never experienced the awesomeness a pet gives to your life. You are missing out on one of life's greatest gifts
2
@Johnny Woodfin, so you clicked on this story, read it through, and then took the time to insult both the writer and all pet lovers who have posted here? Who is the one, in this scenario, who is “not (a) happy, well-adjusted human being”? I will give you three guesses.
2
Billy Collins "Weighing the Dog" comes to mind:
1 14.1K 4
WEIGHING THE DOG LYRICS
It is awkward for me and bewildering for him
as I hold him in my arms in the small bathroom,
balancing our weight on the shaky blue scale,
but this is the way to weigh a dog and easier
than training him to sit obediently on one spot
with his tongue out, waiting for the cookie.
With pencil and paper I subtract my weight
from our total to find out the remainder that is his,
and I start to wonder if there is an analogy here.
It could not have to do with my leaving you
though I never figured out what you amounted to
until I subtracted myself from our combination.
You held me in your arms more than I held you
through all those awkward and bewildering months
and now we are both lost in strange and distant neighborhoods.
6
If a dog is attached to both divorcing spouses, I think she should have the right to visits with the spouse she doesn’t live with.
4
I'm not a dog-person, but Masters' poem from "The Spoon River Anthology" comes to mind:
TOGETHER in this grave lie Benjamin Pantier, attorney at law,
And Nig, his dog, constant companion, solace and friend.
Down the gray road, friends, children, men and women,
Passing one by one out of life, left me till I was alone
With Nig for partner, bed-fellow, comrade in drink. 5
In the morning of life I knew aspiration and saw glory.
Then she, who survives me, snared my soul
With a snare which bled me to death,
Till I, once strong of will, lay broken, indifferent,
Living with Nig in a room back of a dingy office. 10
Under my jaw-bone is snuggled the bony nose of Nig—
Our story is lost in silence. Go by, mad world!
12
As a zoologist I can only shake my head as I view the ways my species has become silly as a result of civilization removing its requirement to face nature directly.
3
@Howard Winet, um...I face nature directly every day of my life. What is that supposed to mean?
2
He got to keep the girlfriend, I got to keep the pets. I made the better deal!
169
@Marti Mart I had a friend who was divorced by his first wive, and she kept their beloved Samoyed. He found love again a couple years later, but his then-girlfriend was at the tail end of a vicious custody battle over the dog. She was the ultimate winner, and the couple got married and the dog adjusted to a new dad. I always called the dog "Tom's step-dog, Barney".
9
@Marti Mart
Your pets will be more loyal!
3
Joint custody was written into my divorce decree so he visited every few weeks for about 2 months. But, when my dog developed Lyme disease and had huge vet bills, he offered just $100 'to help out' and was gone, never to contact us again. It worked out for the best after all. No more confusing my poor dog. He's much happier now and that's what counts.
16
Husband of 21 years (who was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer when our two kids were toddlers) waited until the kids and I were out of town and walked out on us, leaving both our labradoodles and a note on the dining table. He called the first night I returned home (and found his note) and said he would pick up the dogs if I didn’t want them. I said “No, thanks.” He’s since replaced me with wife #2 and a new labradoodle. My dogs, now 11 and 13, are doing great and I’m happily single.
41
You cannot see what he did.
Isn’t $16K almost extortion? A geriatric dog will need lots of care. I am a dog person, adore my pooches, but I understand the economics of pet guardianship. (That’s why they have health insurance.)
I think what Jim was doing was extremely manipulative. I would really like to know why he came up with that figure.
3
@EML Jim didn't come up with the figure, the author's lawyer did. As an "inducement" for Jim.
3
Years ago when I was a dog park regular, I noticed that a standard poodle was getting walked by different (well to do, super yuppie) couples on different days. As time went by, one couple had the dog more days than the other. Then, finally, just one man accompanied the dog. I asked him what had happened. He said he had divorced, and his ex wife had used custody of the dog to get back at him. In the end they had each been assigned half custody, but eventually the ex had tired of the arrangement and stopped picking the dog up at the appointed times. Then she abandoned the dog altogether. And he’d lost his girlfriend, too. And so there he was, with just the dog. I think he’d made the right decision. The guy was obviously a catch, in my book.
28
@Passion for Peaches We live on a street with a Roman Catholic Parish on the corner. For some time I had seen the priest walking his dog, something like an Australian terrier. The one day I saw a woman walking a dog of similar appearance. She does this regularly and one day I happened to talk to her and she clarified that, yes, this was the priest's dog. I thought this was pretty sexy, but maybe there is nothing to this sharing of a dog with a priest!
1
When my wife and I were divorced, splitting up the pets (3 cats and a dog) was easy, it was obvious to both of us who go who.
Then, a few days before we were going to file, I got an email that "hey, I know what we agreed, but I want a dog, I'm keeping her".
I felt like I was socked in the stomach. It was the "you'll never see the kids again" moment. I had given up a lot, assets that I acquired decades before I knew my ex-wife. But when we talked this over my last words to her were "see you in court". Because I was the one who walked our dog, played with our dog, and had bonded with our dog.
And she backed down. She realized she had finally found my limit.
32
I got our dog as a gift for my husband. When we split, although I was/am MADLY in love with that dog, I let him have her. A gift is a gift. I got my cat (the one that chose me early on) and he got his cat (the one that chose him early on).
The bond each animal had + ethics about gifts made our discussion basically a non-discussion. For once in our marriage, we shared an assumption.
7
One of the major obstacles is housing that is not pet-friendly.
When leaving my husband, this was a major issue for me. I got lucky and found a place, but I watch the small rental/condo market here, and nothing like it has come up for rent again.
Imagine an abused spouse hesitating to leave because she/he couldn't find a place that would take a beloved pet - they know that leaving that pet behind would result in its physical (and fearful ) abuse. Taking it to a shelter means it could be eventually killed.
Sad choices, all around.
18
@Cate
Our society claims to be dog/pet friendly but it is awful to try and find housing that allows pets or high, extra fees for allowing pets. Traveling last Dec. I had to pay between $20-$40 extra to have my cat in my hotel room and one place said they could charge $200 on my credit card after I'd checked out if the room was deemed damaged.
And just remember all the horror stories about animals dying or being lost during airline transport.
In my somewhat amicable divorce in which kid custody is shared 50/50 and property was "equitably" divided (I am not in a community property state) I lost my dog which honestly was the most painful part of the split. At first, my former spouse sent the dog to me with the kids on my custody days (we live a mile a part). When I was asked to move out, I specifically chose a rental apartment that allowed dogs and paid extra for this privilege. Then one day, she unilaterally decided that she didn't want to be alone at home without him. This was a dog I rescued, I rehabilitated after surgery and I devoted substantial time to training. When I asked my lawyer, his honest response was whether I really wanted to spend the time and money to fight about a dog when there were bigger issues in play like custody, houses, etc. At $600 per hour, the question answered itself.
Fast forward three years and my former wife has sent the dog to live elsewhere most of the time. I have my own dog now and the wound of that loss has somewhat healed. But logically, it makes no sense that the law is more concerned about the disposition of used vehicles in divorce than animals that can provide cohesion and continuity to families in transition.
13
@CMGY
Yes and there is also the impact on children in seeing animals treated like property, not to mention breaking the kids' bond with a pet adds immeasurably to the trauma.
9
@DW, it can get far, far worse than that. It is, unfortunately, common for an abusive partner or spouse to harm a pet to hurt the other person. I was told about a (troubled) couple who were on a camping trip with their dog and a friends’s teenaged child. That teenager’s mother told me that her child was terrified during the trip because the husband was purposely harming the dog — zapping the shock collar set on high, over and over again — to hurt his wife. Imagine seeing that as a teenager, and not being able to get away. And imagine how the wife felt. And the dog.
4
I'm so glad you have Zoe with you. After my divorce I adopted a ten year old mutt from the Humane Society named Tommy. He and I had both been through a lot of heartache, and we walked (and walked and walked) and cuddled our blues away. I hope that more states will adopt laws like Illinois/Alaska/California and treat our pets as the important family members they are.
11
@CD
Thank you for adopting a senior dog!
2
My ex-husband and I shared custody of our Manchester Terrier, Bella, for about 6 years (until her death). This mostly worked out well. It was startling when she died and the modest tie between us suddenly ended. Fortunately, we had a pretty civil divorce, with no attorneys involved, and both of us wanting to avoid unnecessary bruising.
8
My ex husband did not even bother to inform me when a horse I had cared for every day for 15 years had to be put down. I had to hear it through the grapevine months later. Very upsetting and to me also insulting.
18
What to do about the dog was probably the most civil thing in our divorce. We had acquired him together, and he was 8. We shared custody -- and even kept our joint bank account for food, vet, kennel, etc. expenses. There had been many problems in our marriage, but loving and taking care of AL was not one of them. Arrangements were flexible: the ex traveled a lot, so I had the dog more regularly, but he got longer stints when he was in town. We communicated regularly (mostly by email) about AL's care.
AL died last year at age 16, loved by both his "parents," and loving both of us. He was always extra happy when his "pack" was together (drop offs/pickups), but he understood that his new life had two homes, two routines, two sofas to sleep on, two laps. He was a happy dog. And he helped us be kinder to each other, shelving the marriage but knowing that his love for both of us meant keeping respect for each other, something that has endured beyond his death.
For good reasons, his ashes are at my ex's under an apple tree. I have visited. What's left from AL's bank account goes to the local animal shelter.
He gave us so much joy, and he continues to teach us kindness. What a dog!
120
@Weasleybee I recently began a similar arrangement w/ a dog jointly raised by myself and a close relative after we stopped living together. So far, the dog seems to be adjusting very well to it, although of course she also loves it best when we all spend time together as a family (which we do often); her adventurous spirit is suited to exploring multiple homes, and it gives us the opportunity to both travel when she is away but spend even more quality time with her than usual when she is around. I am still a bit worried about it getting harder when she ages but glad to hear it worked out so well for you!
8
@Weasleybee, how refreshingly civil! Kudos to you.
1
When I was 13, my parents split. There was no question that I would go with my mother because a teenager didn't fit my father's lifestyle. But they argued (what seemed like endlessly) about who would get to keep the cat.
My parents died decades ago, and the cat must have, too. Damn, I miss that cat.
45
You lost Jim but got Zoe. I think you made out well.
20
Applaud the beauty of your story.
Help others, explain.
Detail what you would do in the future for the benefit of all.
" I now know how to protect my rights and any four-legged “stuff,” should I marry again."
Elaborate on what and how you would protect yourself in the future. You might change a pet's life with clarification.
Well Done! Zoe is beloved, and an animal angel sits on your shoulder.
3
Not sure a "petnup" would help when you didn't originally like the pup. By the time you were attached, it would be too late. I can imagine our friend turning up his nose 17 years ago at the notion of keeping Zoe in the event of divorce.
As noted, pets are different than money.
(Full disclosure: My favorite cat, if I'm honest, is not my rollie-pollie, friendly Maine Coon rescue, it's an angry, hissing, scratching disaster called Bucky because, like the Avenger, he's a lot of trouble and I'm the only one who cares. Plus he's super cute with the biggest eyes I've ever seen; not unlike Sebastian Stan.)
12
@Kate
I hear ya ...
(signed, another lover of angry, scratching, disaster-cats ...)
2
That your partner was willing to give up that dog for his convenience says a lot about him. You should consider yourself lucky to be rid of him.
To me my pets come first, above all else.
33
My novel “Lawyer for the Dog,” (Thomas Dunne Books, 2015) is about a custody battle over a miniature schnauzer.
7
I did and it was her psychotic Jack Russell Terrier.
17
@Eugene Ralph
Psychotic? Really? Tell us more.
I had a fabulous Jack Russell terrier, Ms. Ruby Houdini. Still miss her.
My god, has it really come to this?
2
I'm an attorney who has mediated or arbitrated a number of pet custody cases over the years. Although the courts consider pets no more than a piece of personal property, such as a lamp, people can enter into a contract to mediate or arbitrate possession of a pet. I am working with a producer developing a show for people who are having a pet custody dispute. The case will be taken seriously, and focus on the best interest of the pet through mediation or arbitration. If anyone is interested in participating, contact [email protected].
6
After reading this article, I think I'll go offer my wife a foot massage, and how about serve her breakfast in bed ! I better make double certain she's happy! Divorce is an ugly business!
19
Treasure every moment. Don’t ever take the love for granted.
7
After a divorce, who gets the dog?
The one who loses.
(We're all cat people here, right?)
Glad things worked out for you and Zoe. Sorry they didn't for you and Jim.
9
@JeffW Dog person here, but appreciate the sentiment. Funny.
4
First world problems.
8
There were three of them once, mini dachshunds. Over the few short years together they would eat, sleep, play and chase squirrels. They were a family; we were a family.
But then my wife had a psychotic break because of her long history of abuse and family struggles with mental illness. The emotional poles shifted. The anti-psychotic Seroquel paradoxically made it worse because it stripped away the mania while leaving the madness and PTSD intact, leaving her thinking that she was cured. That her feelings were the truth long denied.
We split the dogs based on history and whose attachment was strongest. I got the older two; she kept the youngest. Like the author I believed in, then hoped for sharing of custody. In our case, this was because one of her manias is travel, and the dog would need care.
But like the author even that was denied me. I haven’t seen wee Duncan, nor her in ages and likely will never see them again.
Sorrow’s closed, dark confines has room it seems for a small, 10 pound dog.
73
so sad
18
@Fi’s Ex ,
I am so sorry.
17
@Fi’s Ex
I am SO sorry.
1
I'm glad you got the dog in the end. That was a much better deal. Animals are FAR superior to humans.
94
@Susan Washington, DC
Your words are almost an exact quote from an English b&w film, starring Burt Lancaster, about a coutry resident-hotel. There an old maid says something like, "Horses are so much easier to deal with than people". :-))
6
Seems to me that the ex tried to hold her up for what for me would be a bunch of money when he apparently didn't really have much affection for the dog. He proved it by giving her the dog afterwards and totally washing his hands of them both. Having him out of her and her dog's life is an unrecognized blessing, if you ask me.
16
@Vicky , this is a story about two men.
Mr. Petrow recommends a petnup, but it certainly seems that he would have happily signed away Zoe at the beginning of the relationship: Zoe bit Max and the author. He wanted to get rid of her at the time. I doubt that he would have insisted on joint custody for an animal that he didn't particularly like until years later.
5
My wife and I have a deal the party bringing the divorce action gets the Dog and the Kids. Since that agreement was made we barely ever argue. :)
199
@Ken S
I love your comment and subtle sense of humor.
Thanks for making me smile today because it's been a tough week, on so many levels.
45
The brilliant 1937 screwball comedy, THE AWFUL TRUTH, which features pet custody as central to the plot, may offer some cinematic healing, or at the least diversion from the turmoil attendant upon divorce/separation.
36
@John Bacher
The Awful Truth is one of the funniest screwball comedies of all time.
9
@John Bacher Great movie! Thanks for the reminder.
3
These are the woes of the well heeled.
3
I’m not “well-heeled,” but I enjoyed this article. You didn’t have to read it.
9
my ex was pretty casual about animals coming into, and leaving her life. we had two dogs, one of whom is my avatar picture (you can't see that he's standing on a skateboard.}
the other one was a scottish terrier she brought home as a puppy with no discussion with me about getting her. i was washing some dishes and saw something moving around in the corner, and there she was. all i could do was roll my eyes,
when the ex was sort of auditioning new places to live, hundreds of miles away, she brought home two sibling kittens. Over the years we had literally dozens of cats.
the day she left she took off without the cats, and again no discussion about their fate, and the scotty. the day after she left i had to take the poor dog to the vet for her final care as she had a large tumor on her shoulder. i held her close as the drugs went in.
the cats were eventually joined by a stray my daughter brought home from texas, he's on my lap as i write this. animals can be way more loyal than people.(and he just jumped down.)
11
Steven Petrow recommends a petnup, but in his case the petnup would surely have assigned Zoe to the ex-husband, the one who brought Zoe into the relationship. Things change while you are married and prenups can't possibly deal with all the possibilities.
79
@Margaret But as a couple they were together for 13 years. That's not nothing - she helped pay vet bills and provided care and upkeep for Zoe as well.
6
If Jim wasn't willing to live only in a place that allowed dogs, he didn't deserve Zoe. I'm glad she had someone who made her the priority. (And I think you are better off with her than him.)
22
Anyone that loves their dog and would move into a property that is NOT pet friendly never deserved the dog or her love from the beginning. Zoe luckily ended up where she truly belongs.
23
My initial reaction to reading this the plot of a great 1937 screwball comedy, "The Awful Truth," directed and largely rewritten by Leo McCarey.
"Jerry Warriner (Cary Grant) tells his wife he is going on vacation to Florida, but instead spends the week at his sports club in New York City. He returns home to find that his wife, Lucy (Irene Dunne), spent the night in the company of her handsome music teacher, Armand Duvalle (Alexander D'Arcy). Lucy claims his car broke down unexpectedly. Lucy discovers that Jerry did not actually go to Florida. Their mutual suspicion results in divorce proceedings, with Lucy winning custody of their dog--by the trick of food. The judge orders the divorce finalized in 90 days."
The dog was a wire-haired fox terrier played by Skippy, who also portrayed Asta in MGM's successful "Thin Man" series.
Please refer to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Awful_Truth--and see the film!
2
Why is no one commenting on the fact that Jim didn’t bother to find a place where his supposedly beloved Zoe could live with him? Instead he got rid of a dog that presumably had shared his life for fourteen years? Dogs are not property. They’re family members. I find it all so appalling.
29
@Carol
Here here.
What a crock of nonsense! Jim totally knew what he was doing by creating such duress. First say no, then ask for money THEN offer Zoe back like a "here I LET you win" note with a I'm not gonna give you a dime to care for her.
Yuck. Zoe is definitely a winner and not by default!!
I send peace and light to Zoe and her REAL dad.
5
@cindi , no one asked for money. The lawyer proposed offering money.
Just one more reason why entering into the most important legal contract most people will ever enter into without getting it In writing, reading it, and signing it is the most monumental mistake most people — primarily men — will ever make.
1
This is actually a really common problem. I wrote a book about this -- How to Get Custody of Your Dog, which is on Amazon. People think of dogs like almost-children, yet the law in most states treats them only as property. It's a tough disconnect and one that is slowly changing.
3
What a wonderful country you live in. Where you can contemplate $16.000 for the custody of a dog.
America - I believe - spends more on pet food and vet bills than it does on public education. Priorities, I guess...
And, meanwhile back at the golf resort, your president is destroying your country and making life difficult for the rest of the world.
It's enough to make a poor soul from down under the Southern Cross consider going to a dog psychiatrist. (They must be cheaper.)
12
First world problems for sure. But my dog keeps me sane and healthy, thereby saving Medicare big bucks and making Lucy the mutt a “societal” contributor, albeit a pampered one.
13
@NYT Reader
I went to Walnut Creek once. Nice Bay Area community. Quite bucolic: maybe even in an Old California - El Camino Real way.
Think Rachel Maddow comes from around there somewhere. Castro Valley?
Say: "Hi," the pooch, for me...and maybe a Doggie Bon Bon?
It's true that one never really knows someone until there's a disruption or divorce. Even the best human relationships are equal parts optimism, folly, perseverance.
Animals, pets or not, and all other species are what make the world a better place. And so it was before there were 7.6 billion humans over just the last 50 years, eradicating the best of Earth, leaving little but emotional and physical detritus.
8
At first, I thought the writer was on the wrong end of this. Had it not been for her husband, Zoe would've been gone long before their marriage was through. But, if the dog was truly his, he would've moved from his townhouse, no matter the burden. Had it been my dog - whom I love more than most things in life - I would've gladly moved again in order to keep my pup. Glad to see the writer now has her dog by her side!
11
@Max the writer is a man. just like his ex-husband.
6
@Max The author is male.
3
This was something my decades long partner and I discussed before we adopted our cats. Our conclusion, we had to be the grownups and work things out before we are at the exit to Splitsville.
Granted, these are cats. "His" cat could easily live without "my" cat but she would miss her cat mom and her quality management job in my quilting business. However, my cat would be lost without his fur friend and cat daddy.
I am glad Zoe is home with a loving companion and this is a great lesson for people who are considering adopting pets AND having human kids. You really do need to think these things through before the kids (fur or humans) arrive.
9
@skramsv we are facing a somewhat different quandry: does our aging cat move out with "her" young men? She has always been attached to our two sons, and grieved horribly when our youngest, her lord and savior, moved off to college. We have to sort out whether she would miss her long time home more or her prefurred caregivers (as the boys are likely to fledge together at this point).
5
I lost my hearing dog because my ex registered him under her name. I had no choice but to give him up. The court didn't care that I had trained the dog, used the dog to notify me when I needed help or anything. It all had to do because my ex had taken the liberty to have the dog license put under her name while I took care of our two children. Never in my wildest dreams could imagine having to start all over. I am 58 and will NEVER remarry and very cautious of now getting to know new people after my experiences and loss. (I also loss my children as well due to parent alienation as well). Our courts are so bias.
17
When I divorced my husbands (each of them) I fought for custody of the cats (1st divorce) and three cats and the dog (2nd divorce). O offered my 2nd husband joint custody of his favorite cat, and she spent every 2nd weekend with him. A year later we remarried and the dog and cats welcomed him home with open paws. I'm now widowed and at 70, will never remarry ... but if I did, I would definitely have a "petnup" as I've never had children and my dogs are now my children. I would not give them up for any reason.
24
@Reaganmb I love stories about divorced people remarrying!!
7
@Maureen
Why?
@Maureen, a relative of mine married and divorced one wife twice. I have never understood how anyone could be such a glutton for punishment.
1
My wonderful lab Dusty made the decision as she sits peacefully and content at my side. She never liked my wife, what a dog.
23
Remember the wisdom of Solomon? Cut the child in half and each mother gets a half.
Same thing with the dog.
And at age 14, the dog is not going to live much longer.
1
"pet-nup" is nice. I like "pup-nup" better."
31
@Bruce
Not all much-loved 4-footed family are dogs.
8
@Maggie We are a cat-family. I just said that about "pup-nup" because the rhyme sounded funny to me. Have a great weekend.
2
After going through this, I would never marry again. But I would always have a dog. My dog. Never to ever fear losing or sharing, not ever again.
Some things are just not worth losing.
41
We here couples say they only stayed together because of the kids. I’m waiting to here a couple say they only stayed together because of the dogs.
11
@Mickey T I know at least one who did ... but they got help and repaired their relationship.
3
Move on. These are classic first world problems. Get a dog at a shelter compatible with your lifestyle and leave it be. I could never part with my dog and never would....He is more important to me than most humans.
13
Let the dog decide. They're much better at judging character than humans.
158
@Mike
I completely agree.
Dogs also don't have hidden agendas.
23
@Mike That wouldn't be fair. My dog was definitely sad when my partner and I split. She missed him, but she also grew very protective of me. She loved us both and wanted us each at home. She didn't see the traits in us that we had found unacceptable.
29
@Marge Keller But do people have hidden treats is the question.
18
There was an informal agreement between the mother of our children and myself that whoever wanted the divorce had to take the children.
The children, all three of them, turned out terrific.
15
Milan is a terrific domestic relations lawyer (and a friend). Mr. Petrow, NC is an Equitable Distribution state, not a community property state. Finally, as a dog “mom” myself, and as an experienced divorce lawyer and judge, I caution people against sharing custody of a pet because of the continuing contact it requires between people who have decided-mutually or not-to end their relationship. I get that you wanted to continue contact with your ex. In my experience, sharing anything (including kids) after a divorce/separation makes ending the relationship far more complicated than it already is.
28
When my husband left I was forced to sell our house and move to a small apartment. One of my children went with my husband and refused to see me. At the realtor's request, I sent my dog to live with them. The only decent thing my ex-husband has done for me since the divorce was send me the ashes when the dog finally had to be put down. It broke my heart when they took her away from me, but her ashes will be mixed with mine when the time comes, and we will take that last walk together.
33
First, North Carolina is not a "community property" state. It's an "equitable distribution" state. These are different concepts in how property is distributed in a divorce.
Second, "custody" has nothing to do with "property". Pets are considered "property" so you either own the property or don't.
Until states recognize pets as something other than property, and some states do, then one person in a couple better own that pet and do everything during its lifetime to demonstrate ownership.
10
This is for people who don't have enough to worry about. Please! I have a wonderful lab and I treat her like a dog not a human, She gets yearly shots, lots of physical exercise, attention from us and the neighborhood kids, but she gets the cheapest grocery store dog food supplemented by leftover fish and vegetable and fruit scraps. She is not allowed on furniture or in beds. And she's never been to a dog groomer or psychiatrist. She was the grunt of the litter but has outlived all the litter at the age of 12 in perfect health. She is a dog. Keep things in perspective people. If you're both so emotionally tied to an animal I think you both need a psychiatrist. Send the money that you spend on needless animal litigation and services to charity.
31
@Silvana I love my dogs more than I love any human. They bring so much joy to my life, and never break my heart like humans can. It doesn't mean I need therapy if I value my pets more than a human being. There's no need for you to be so judgmental.
44
@Silvana Pretty judgie there. It isn't for you to decide what is important to another person. My pug sleeps with us every night and it doesn't affect another person in the world. I know the difference between my children and my pets, but some people don't have children and don't have family and their pets are everything to them. Who are any of us to judge another's feelings?
54
@Silvana.... What would it hurt if you show your dog a little affection? Perhaps treating your pet as a friend instead of patting yourself on the back for what you don't do with your dog.
32
True stories: In our law office, we represented the husband in his divorce and the issue of custody of their beloved poodle was brought before the Judge. The Judge ruled that the husband should have the dog, and in due course it was delivered in a box to our office. Only one catch: The dog had died years before and the couple had him stuffed! They actually fought over custody of a dead, stuffed dog!
In another case, in a bitterly contested divorce where the lawyers were more uncooperative than the spouses, there were two German shepherds that the judge ultimately decided should go to the wife. When the time came for the husband to turn the dogs over, he had a burly bail bondsman deliver them to the wife's lawyer's office. Needless to say, the lawyer was not pleased.
18
When many years ago, friends of my parents were divorcing, both going to apartments where they could not take their rescue german shepherd named Sam, my parents took her. She was the sweetest best pet they ever had. My father said she was so loving because she was the product of "a broken home".
46
We took in two ferrets from a broken home. We couldn't argue in front of them as they sat on stairs, shaking and crying. Animals know what is going on when their caretakers shout.
44
My ex and I agreed to joint custody of our rescues-- one week at each house. It was a first for my lawyer.
Eventually, we sat together as we chose to end the suffering of our beloved Macy and know we must do so again when Bart's time comes. Sometime after that we will climb a mountain in Montana to scatter their ashes, the place we did so for our other dogs--only this time, the canine step parents will accompany us.
15
Dogs used to be children's pets---back in the day when our country was relatively normal. Now dogs are adults' substitute "relationships."
29
@Travelers I had an amazing dog as a child. That beautiful experience made me a life-long dog lover. As long as I am able I am sure I will have a pup or two around. They aren't a substitute for anything, they are just well loved family pets. I understand pets are a big responsibility and aren't for everyone, but there's no reason to disparage those who cherish and care for them.
28
When I divorced neither of us wanted our female Akita, who would run away all the time and lead to an exhausting search. We agreed our young daughter wanted her and I got her.
The dog continued to run away, which hurts your feelings. Then one time she was gone, and got back into our yard after three days. Maybe she did love us, but needed a short vacation?
Again she got out and people 5 miles away called to say she was there until she escaped again.
After 3 more days I saw a small classified ad that someone and found a dog looking like our dog. I thought these are very, very nice responsible people who would take good care of a stray animal. I didn't call, but waited to see if she came back.
8
@GaryLK g
Ugh. So much is wrong with this, there's no point in trying to explain it to you. I hope the dog found some decent human beings who loved and cared for her.
32
@GaryLK Please, never get another animal.
When I got divorced in 1977 after ten years of marriage there were no pets.
Only property. I asked my wife to find an attorney and take the lead.
We divided everything fifty fifty. No problem.
End of story!
9
Cool story bro
12
When our 20-year relationship ended a couple of years ago my husband and I each consulted an attorney and we were both independently given the same answers as those described here. We refused to consider "splitting the baby" as an alternative to anything. Our romance is over, our marriage is done, but we share custody of the 48-pound athlete Standard Schnauzer named Grayson for whom our love knows no boundaries. If there's anything to add to the great advice found in this article, it is to consider only the dog's best interests and if that is not enough to allow you to keep the furry 4-legger, consider adopting another dog immediately.
54
Years ago I read an article by a veterinarian who had a dog brought to him to be put down....the dog was young and healthy. The two people were divorcing and couldn't decide who should "get" the dog, so they were having her destroyed.
I THINK and hope that in most states now the law would not allow that but don't know for sure....it certainly should. They are not our "things" to get rid of when we can't decide what we want.
88
@RLiss What a terrible story. As if both mothers in the “judgement of Solomon” story had told Solomon to cut the baby in half.
12
@RLiss Why are these people getting a divorce? They deserve each other. There are many organizations that will rehome a dog, especially one that is well behaved and socialized.
10
@RLiss So how did the story end - you are not clear.
Did the vet put him down or convince the cruel couple to re-home him, or offer to take custody himself, or re-home him himself?
Don't just tell a sad story and leave us hanging - and if the answer is the vet put him down, I would not consider that person to truly love animals - he would not be my darlings vet!
9
When a marriage is an unhappy one, there’s often one child who gets scapegoated for “acting out.” The child is expressing the hostility and tension in the marriage.
I’m thinking part of Zoe and Max’s discord was the atmosphere they sensed in the home. Just like children, animals are extraordinarily sensitive to the emotions felt by their human caretakers. They are as miserable as the unhappy couple.
I’m glad Zoe’s final chapter will be filled with love and care and peace. We all need that, actually.
61
I am a mediator in California.I have mediated numerous couple and marriage dissolutions regarding animal custody. Even if disputants initially cannot agree about anything else (i.e., their stuff), I have found that they frequently want what's best for Fluffy. For the reader who doubts that s/he can come to an agreement with their potential or soon to be ex regarding anything, *try mediation.* Start with just one thing you used to agree on-say the dog's wellbeing. You might find that is a great thing to agree on and that you might surprise yourselves and agree on other areas of dispute you thought were unresolvable.
58
@Jj Mediator in Hamburg, Germany. Same experience here. Mediation is a beautiful thing.
17
@Jj Thank you for the advice, that is a useful perspective should I ever need it!
9
My sister and her husband, both dog lovers with former spouses, have had at least ten dogs, nine of them rescues, over the 30 years of their marriage. They've always known which dogs would go with whom if they ever split up ("Dutch is mine, but Dakota is Rocky's"). The dogs decide. But fortunately they've never had to choose.
50
Then there can also be the matter of separating pets from one another after a split.
I knew a couple who lived with two cats that were inseparable from one another. When the humans called it quits, they decided they would each keep one cat. Neither cat was the same without their feline friend. The cats were ultimately a lot more heartbroken by the split than the people were. :(
173
My partner and I shared a Bedlindon terrier, Pip. In fact her Bedlingdon after we had put down, executed, her very aging but very much alive previous incumbent. My partner was an alcoholic. Two years ago she died from an overdose of alcohol and pills. Her son, not much on the scene, took possession of Pip and in spite of my best efforts gave him to someone unknown. I love that dog. My heart is still broken.
74
I have a lovely little rescue dog named Teddy, who was given up by a divorcing couple. He didn't want the dogs (the other was a Yorkie) and she wanted to travel more.
I was horrified to learn this but the rescue people told me that they had seen worse. Couples where each person had fought for the pet, and then the winner had given it up later ("I just didn't want HER to get Fido", etc.).
I'm glad it worked out for this divorcing couple, but if it hadn't, the person left without a pet should pick up one up who was left behind by someone else. There are plenty out there!
101
My ex wife and I, both overattached to our cats, put joint custody of them into our dissolution agreement. For the first year and 1/3 we exchanged them each week, the two cats would be with her one week, me the next. After that, I had them full time. When the older one was terminally ill I informed her so she could visit with him one last time and when the time comes for the other, I will do the same.
In my state, pets are property but in reality, as the author states, they are much more.
We didn’t have children. I realize that is a more important issue.
121
@Norman Schwartz
That sounds like a tough situation, but it’s pretty remarkable that the cats cooperated with going to different homes. The cats I have now and did previously would never have been mobile!
Thanks for what you wrote. Good health to you and kitty.
54
@Norman Schwartz
I am in awe of you and your ex wife because the joint love you both have of your cats is sincerely demonstrated by your actions rather than merely words.
Such respect, decency, kindness and generosity was given to your ex wife when the older cat was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
If only ALL divorces could be reached with such reasonableness and sensitivity, kids, pets and spouses could benefit so greatly. The only real losers would be the attorneys.
Thanks for being such a gracious and consideration "pet parent" to your ex wife.
Your actions are inspiring.
Sincere condolences on the loss of the older cat.
18
@Marge Keller I took over full custody in mid 2015 because my ex lived too far away. Wolfie died 2 1/3 years later of kidney failure. She got to spend several hours with him 2 days prior to him passing.
10
When I was married and we adopted two rescues I made sure I signed the adoption contract. Thus when we divorced I legally had custody.
72
@Laura
It was doomed from the beginning with that additude
10
@Laura That may hold water in your state but not all
4
@Laura
This is key. I searched for months to find a rent controlled apartment for my husband and myself.
I thought nothing of the fact that he went to the landlord and signed the lease alone.
10 years later when we divorced, I was living in the apartment - my husband had moved out. But according to the law, because his name was the only one on the lease, I had no right to be there.
Protect yourself from this kind of trouble with any marital contracts. Never let your spouse sign anything without you.
1
Working through a tough marriage: for the dogs?
Couples who can get to the other side of marital crisis and breakdown often find much deeper experiences of love, acceptance, pleasure, even bliss.
Whether the inspiration is commitment, religion, children, or the dogs, getting motivated to improve communication, deepen vulnerability, empathy, healthy problem solving, and expand emotional connection is a formula that’s worked for many.
Good try Zoe.
29
I have always made sure that each dog my husband and I have ever brought into our home was registered Only in my name. I also have made sure that, even though my husband by and large is the one who walks the dogs, I tell people that I’m the one who buys the food, takes them to the vet and never yells at them.
I have done that preemptively in case our union ends. The dogs ARE MINE! The rest of the stuff we can argue about, but the dogs, no way, Jose!
52
Wow!
I would not know how to live happily with someone I think I must protect myself and loved ones from.
How does one rest one’s head on spouse’s shoulder when making such “ practical provisions “. Not saying its bad, just saying I don’t think its a warm and cozy way to live.
Could be that’s the realistic way to live.
Its terrible.
159
@Marie . Agree, marriage requires a leap of faith, as well as lots of work. Planning for a breakup sounds like a terrible way to start.
18
@Elia You sound as bad as Jim in the article. You agree that your husband walks the dogs and presumed to spend quite a bit of time with them. You talk about the dogs as property without consideration to what their wants and needs are. You're the reason that the law needs to recognize dogs are not merely property no matter how much you wish it.
11
What the author calls a "petnup" is an excellent idea, with visitation rights and visiting schedules written into the agreement.
A bone of contention might be the post-divorce support of the pet -- food, vet, and grooming costs. Are such costs tax-deductible or are they included in the payments to be received by the pet-keeping spouse?
7
@Tuvw Xyz I think that's some other planet, where pet costs are tax deductible. If you ran a business that needed a dog, that might make the dog deductible. Let us say your business was showing people how to crate a dog for air transport, and you used your own dog to demo. That would be a tax deductible dog.
2
@Tuvw Xyz
A "bone" of contention, haha.
1
I'm sure Zoe was very sad about the divorce as well. It's sad to me she wasn't able to continue her relationship with both of you but life is complicated and we do the best we can. I'm glad she has brought you joy.
69
@L. Hoberman I actually felt really guilty about our cat, a high spirited Abyssinian, because he only liked (and loved), the two of us, and barely tolerated everyone else. I knew he would never see his "other person" again when we divorced and I got custody of him, but he was just fine and lived a few more years, still hating everyone but me. I loved that crazy cat.
3
Going through a rough patch in our marriage a couple of decades ago, the thought of losing our Golden Lab, Fiona, had a significant impact on my decision not to leave. At the time, I made significantly less than my husband, and finding a dog friendly apartment, while he stayed in our house, seemed unlikely. Couldn't bear the thought of leaving her behind. Now, about to celebrate our 30th anniversary, with many happy years behind us, I am sooo glad I stayed. And it was mostly because of the dog.
362
@Marathonwoman What a beautiful story!! Thanks for sharing!!
9
An animal’s and splitting up story:
When we divorced my ex said, and this was a surprise to me since she’d lived with them while we were married, that she couldn’t take the cats because she was allergic to them. A few years later I asked our son how my ex was doing. Fine, he said, she just got herself a cat.
83
Congratulations on getting your little girl back. May she continue to bring you joy for years to come.
58
As a dog lover, I feel badly that anyone would think it kind or loving to expect an elderly dog to serve as an "enduring tie" to an ex after an acrimonious divorce.
45
@Mary McCue How about as a pawn to belittle your former partner to the detriment of the dog?
5
It's amazing that couples will destroy each other in a divorce over inanimate objects yet they won't sign a prenup regarding their beloved pet. With the divorce rate over 50%, get a prenup.
32
Dogs or cats or any family pet is NOT some ugly, unwanted lamp shade or some kind of poker chip to play in a divorce or relationship break up.
And yet so often they are.
Dogs and cats FEEL the tension, they sense the unrest, and they know something is wrong in their household.
I only hope that whoever gets Sparky or Fluffy truly loves the animal and will love and care and take care of him or her the very best they can.
100
@Marge Keller: Yeah. If you work in animal rescue you see the really sad flipside -- when NEITHER divorcing person wants the animal. So many times I have given thanks to the eternally optimistic nature of dogs and how it seems to allow them to bond again after coming out of a neglectful or unloving situation.
28
@Marge Keller
Me too. You can tell who should get the “ pet “, the person that wants what’s best for Sparky or Fluffy.
Cheers.
9
“What about what Zoe wanted? The law does not care.”
I also got divorced in North Carolina...it turns out that the law doesn’t care what your kids want either.
245
Zoe's a lucky girl. This tense scenario was better than what often happens to pets who are caught in the middle. A shelter. Abandonment. Being foisted on elderly parents. Or, in the case of fish, being flushed.
56
Pets are not property, nor are they children. They're something else. No less important, nor emotion-inducing, but something special.
When my partner and I split, I insisted on taking the cat she had brought to the relationship. The cat was somewhat limited and special needs, and I didn't think that the life my (ex)partner was headed into would be good for her.
The ex-partner was dismayed, but agreed. And, honestly, I think the next and last five years the cat spent with me were way better than they would have been without me.
Uff-da, life is hard.
136