Twitter is an echo chamber the writer writs and then claims to have global scene.
1
Pick up a book, or go hang out with somebody and don't even look at your cell phone.
You will have a much better time.
I guarantee it!
11
Hopefully this article gets shared many times. Social media usage so easily becomes a pure pointless ego trip.
6
Life without social media is total bliss.
13
My mother's favorite saying: "Fools' names and fools' faces always appear in public places."
15
The comments section of the NYT is a form of social media. It allows you to limit the interactions to the subject at hand. I also do the WSJ and Washington Post, although the Post seems to have a lot of trolls posting.
5
Just in case this poem is unknown to anyone:
I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you—Nobody—Too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise—you know!
How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
Emily Dickinson
30
What's interesting to me is how the definition of "being important" and seems to have changed with the advent of social media. Sure, people have always wanted to be important. One could be important to those around them throughout time as a beloved member of the community, on a school board, local government, athletic coach, etc. But now a certain type of exposure is within reach for all of us, and I think it's really more about being Famous for one's opinion and/or outfit than being important. Being important contains a level of responsibility and impact in the real world that social media does not facilitate.
5
I feel for the author. If she thinks social media is the problem, she's even more deluded than her rambling piece lets on...
The best advice I ever got on the matter of what others might think of me: My mother told me that it was none of my business what other people thought of me because the only opinion on the matter that counts is my own...
Our author here clearly has not quite come to terms with that notion. I hope she does...
3
"The secret of a full life is to live and relate to others as if they might not be there tomorrow, as if you might not be there tomorrow,” ...
I would say "relating to others" is fine, but what is more important is that you benefit others in some way, even if it is modest.
A favorite bumpers sticker says "remember, only 1/ six billionth of all this is about you." People (not even my family) don't care whether I had cinnamon tea or Ethiopian shade grown coffee this morning.
6
It took her nine years to figure this out. It took me nine seconds to decide to never participate in any of the social media worlds.
10
I think Twitter is so addictive, it's extremely hard to wean off it. I doubt that those who exited have stayed off for very long.
Twitter gives you the feeling that you are very well informed - but it's effectively a platform for superficial thinking and at best, moderately intelligent debates. Most of the time, it's a platform for airing your prejudices and telling everyone else how wrong they are. It may provide a dopamine rush, which is eventually highly destructive.
It's a waste of time.
7
I attended a wedding recently where I knew at least half of the people present. Several people who I hadn't seen in a good while said (separately) to me: "It looks [on social media] like you're having so much fun." I was stunned. I'd heard the same thing from friends when visiting my alma mater the weekend prior. These people--childhood friends, classmates, my friends' parents, my parents' friends, teachers--didn't necessarily know where I'm living, what I'm doing, what I care about, or what my aspirations are. But they think they know that I'm having a lot of fun.
I felt deceitful, ashamed, and sad. Deceitful because I'd indirectly convinced all these people that I'm always having fun--and they apparently believed it! Ashamed of my social media habits. Sad that I'd managed to form an impression, and the wrong one at that. Who cares if I'm having fun? If anything, I would hope that these people, who are important to me, know that I still think about them, that I'm successfully pursuing my dreams, helping my community, striving to learn how to better myself and our planet. I'd want them to know that I care about the values that our shared communities had fostered in us. I hope they remember our friendship and common experience, not my Instagram posts.
As I write this on the eve of my 26th birthday, after reading Ms. Brooks's words, I promise myself to live differently than I have the past few years. I need to LIVE my ONE life, not perform it on social media. We all need to.
21
'Can't totally knock or ditch Facebook. My sister is stuck with a hellish marriage and family. FB and her online gaming groups are her survival outlet. Likewise, my best friend's wife was long ill and homebound. Through FB, she met many worldwide with her condition, some she dontated medical equipment to. Many real wakes won't measure up to her virtual one.
Within bounds and with risks, FB can be much like letter writing. It still takes work, but with the convenience, I'm not sure my "real" friends there would even go back to email.
In a way, LinkedIn is worse. Without a blossoming there for $120 a year, you're a professional zero, so it goes. Surely recruiters know that most connections are fake, that knowing of people is not knowing them.
That all said, this post to anonymous readers does reflect a hole in my life, where work and traffic dictate ever more while offering less in return. Meetups are a fraction of size they appear to be. Other groups I've joined, people merely show up and leave. I don't know if Americans are uniquely socially dependent on church, but I've gotta admit, I miss the connections I made rather quickly there years back, even if as an agnostic I felt like a fake among the saved.
4
Having led a highly successful and somewhat public professional and volunteer life, I have always valued privacy above pretty much everything. I've no social media account except Linkedin, which I joined to help a friend from college and rarely even look at. My "virtual life" is texting or emailing family and friends, and writing comments like this. Which are pseudonymous.
A rare illness without obvious physical manifestations removed me from normal life two decades ago. Only within the last year have I stabilized sufficiently to emerge from my home on a regular basis. The result? I converted to Greek Orthodoxy after a genuine religious experience, and have a host of new "real life" friends in our congregation. I see my wife's extended family members where we live on a frequent basis now. I go on outings with our precocious grandson. I read extensively, don't watch TV "news" at all, and feel more connected to the real world than ever.
But when out, I see all these young people, and some not so young, glued to their smart phones, living in a virtual cocoon. It saddens me. They are missing so much in life. The Anais Nin quotation cited by Ms. Brooks mirrors the teaching of my church: treat every day, every hour, as though it were your last. What are you doing with it? THAT is how to make your mark. Not by how many followers you have on Twitter or Instagram. By your interactions with real people in real time in the real world. The rest is electronic candy.
6
Please read Emerson or Thoreau.
Problem is that even these two needed the help of their community to survive. Local property owners gave Walden Pond and shielded them from public ridicule. So it is to possible to live without the help of others.
1
I can't think of anything worse than trying to be a somebody on social media. Everyone is a somebody to those they love and who love them. Go help a neighbor, do a favor, volunteer, be kind, and you will surely be a somebody to that person and anyone else you give of yourself to.
7
Would it be ironic if I tweeted this article. Please advise.
6
Excellent column that serves as a reminder that we can only truly live where we actually exist--and none of us really exist in a social media feed.
2
I really appreciate the sharing of this perspective. It really is foreign to me so I truly learned from reading this - so thank you.
Best of luck.
1
It's the first of October, nine months into the year, and I just counted: six posts on Facebook and one on Instagram in 2019. I don't use Twitter or Snapchat.
Each post has a handful of photos (I'm a professional photographer): a backpacking trip in Los Torres del Paine, in Patagonia, a post on river kayaking in Chile, a child's college graduation, and another wilderness river trip mid-summer. 5-10 images for each post. That's enough.
I grew tired of the torrent of curated lives: hundreds of vacation snapshots, boring and irrelevant articles, that morning cappuccino (every morning!), futile political arguments, a zillion silly faces, continuous posting of one's emotional state: "I'm bored."
Me too.
So I pared my feed down to just the people who post interesting material; I've unfollowed the rest. I have a manageable and tight-knit group of friends. I enjoy their posts, and my time on social media is limited to a few minutes in the morning, and a few more in the evening. (I spent more time writing this post.)
I don't subscribe to these all-or-nothing arguments. Social media is just a tool, like a computer or a camera. And like any tool, one needs to use it wisely.
6
I am so glad that I grew up without social media.
15
If you really didn't fear being a nobody, you would have published anonymously.
2
My snark exactly. She writes a column for the NYT and has a podcast. I may be on Facebook, but I am a lot less known or injecting myself into the public sphere.
Deleting social media has been a really good choice for me, but, as the article hints at, can sometimes be an isolating experience. Going from the "world" (if 400 followers is a world) validating your thoughts and successes to just a handful close friends is kind of a shift. But, needless to say, it's so much realer this way. Grappling with your own mundanity is just hard sometimes.
4
Around 2013 I heard from my mom that my Utah-based sister was coming to Laramie with her daughter to see our mom. Wrong. My mom hardly saw the two of them. I didn't see them at all. The next week on Facebook my sister posted photo after photo of how she had come to Laramie to show her daughter "the old stomping ground." Both my mom and I realized that we were non-existent. What mattered was my sister's Facebook friends... and their synthetic world of happy adventures. My mom made me sole executor of her estate. My sister doesn't talk to me now. We're blocked on Facebook.
19
It's our obsession with the need to "talk about stuff", when the stuff probably doesn't matter or one may not know much about. And once the opinion of out there, the dopamine rush from likes, comments, reactions takes over. Seems more like an extension of an average high schooler trying to be popular.
Like it or not, social media is here to stay. There's now a generation of digital natives who have grown up with it, and it's embedded in their values, relationships, communities.
4
Having fewer true friends, ocassionally meeting face to face > many social media "friends" voyeuristically following each others' curated lives online.
5
Be who you can.
But BE!
2
The world of the future will be very digital, dull and boring.
2
If you want to know what is going on in the lives of other people you barely know... read a book.
104
The vast, vast majority of people will have no legacy. You will be remembered for 2-3 generations, max. Even among the very famous today, the names of very, very few will survive future generations. I got a PhD in 19th C and early 20th C European history and culture. Not that long ago, really. But it always struck me how people who were extremely famous and well known only 100 years ago are basically lost to history books no one but humanities PhD students read now. Famous artists, writers, journalists, politicians, all basically nobodies now. So, yeah .....a couple thousand Twitter followers won't do anything. My advice is to accept your irrelevance and enjoy the fact that you got to exist.
35
@kas
I wish I could recommend your post 100x.
Percy Bysshe Shelley said it best:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
Reality is that none of us will be remembered forever. Children are a different sort of immortality, but often genetic lines end too.
2
I quit social media in 2008 after having kids. I was spending too much time curating my life and also using my kids as props and content fodder. So happy to be living life offline.
12
Many publishers, before agreeing to a publication contract, now want to know what your Twitter following is, or how many Instagram users you influence, or how many Facebook members you have in your group. Presumably publishers see this as a way to capitalize on your social media presence to sell copies of a book. While being good for your soul, has your step back from social media hurt your career?
7
I enjoy social media very much. It keeps me in touch visually with people who are far away, I learn about authors, dancers, environmentalists. Share jokes. I don't walk around looking at my phone. It isn't the world - but then, I didn't grow up with it. I grew up with a b/w tv - small screen. It's been wild!
Now - Twitter - that's a little problem in that it's so instantaneous. But it's better than the newspaper - even The NYT. I learn about events much quicker; can read famous journalists more informally, I was able to see the Mueller Report in compacted form first - there's a LOT of great things about it.
But I see the problem. Just know that it's possible to be moderate
about use and perspective and keep physically active and out in the world.
2
Being in a generation that grew up with social media as a given rather than an alternate space to share and communicate, Millenials must learn—often for the first time—to learn value in human interactions rather than online ones. There's no shame in it. But it is exciting to see that there are younger generations that are starting to recognize that there is more concrete value to base identities off of than likes and favorites. Live human contact—travel, dinner parties, drinks, going to movie theaters—is what makes us recognize our worth in each other and learn patience and camaraderie.
3
The more socially connected one gets, the more socially isolated they become.
11
Resistance is futile. One day the only way you'll be able to buy, sell, bank, befriend, be seen, or be heard is to be online.
1
Come on. Social media IS the world around us. It is part of the world. I wonder if any Victorians were announcing their detox from the paperback novel. It's okay if you don't want to use it; that's your prerogative. But please, can we stop with this ridiculous gen-x narrative of social media detox as a cure-all?
2
It's no wonder to me that young people today have increasing rates of anxiety, depression and other pyschological problems. We are not designed to live in a virtual world, but a real, physical world, constructed out of words exchanged face to face with touching that elicits a physical response.
Historically, very few people are "somebodies" remembered by many; most people only last as long as others' memories of them so I don't get why this has somehow become such an important marker for self esteem.
And newsflash: FB "friends" are not real friends. Friends are defined by the depth of their individiual commitment to each other, not by the sheer number on a social media account. No surprise that people feel lonely if they are relying on others for support they don't feel.
10
I quit Facebook in August 2018. One of the best decisions I ever made. I have my (real) life back and I found out very quickly who my (real) friends are, because all the acquaintances who can't be bothered to contact me or spend time with me one-on-one immediately fell away. Much happier, more grounded, more in tune with the people and events in daily life, have no plans to participate in any form of social media again. Viva anonymity and privacy!
15
Ah yes... Social Media.
The always enjoyable and elucidating talks of the late Robert Anton Wilson frequently stressed one point: "Think of how dumb the average person is. Now realize that mathematically, half are dumber than that."
Social Media taught me how true that is. My absolute favorite thing that goes around on Facebook from time to time is a meme sharing this historical tidbit: "The first supermarket was Piggly Wiggly which opened in1916. This means that before 1916 Americans grew their own food."
The ignorance in the incorrect (not to mention bizarre) inference drawn thrusts that statement into the realm of unfettered stupidity. And since it appears on Social Media, an argument simply must ensue. That's just how it's done, old bean.
I use Social Media sparingly and refuse to get sucked into discussions with the Ignorati®. I have gleaned a core of people I chat with - and we don't fear disagreeing.
I never received such insulting attacks in my life as those delivered to me in 2016 by people, who considered themselves tolerant liberals, aghast that I did not support the presidential candidate of their choice.
And most definitely I have not become yet another self-absorbed Cyber-Pepys, documenting my every movement on the planet. for most Social Media is entirely solipsistic.
Congratulation, world! Society has finally out-ME'd the Me Generation.
https://emcphd.wordpress.com
4
Something occurred to me:
When you are on social media, are you even really a somebody in the first place?
I mean, what people tend to do on social media is curate a life and post what they think others want to see. Baby pics, vacation pics, political opinions that are popular with their friends, etc. To get the dopamine hit. They don't post their true authentic selves. They don't say how they are sleep deprived because the little one won't sleep and they regret having kids. Or their vacation was a massive disappointment and it rained the whole time. At least not in a real honest way that would expose that you are a real human being with flaws and feelings like everyone else.
(This is a bit like Don Draper. Creating a fake personae to hide who you really are. Only to feel alone and unaccomplished.)
Just seems to me that, whether it is online or keeping up with the Jones etc, if you are pretending to be someone else to be a Somebody, you already are a Nobody. You aren't really you, the real you doesn't exist.
6
Social media is a long cold dark tunnel that has no light at the end of it. Take a walk, read a book, better yet turn to a stranger at the coffee shop and ask, like Maya Angelou said at the end of one her poems, how are you?
5
@Juliana Jame
I do this. I think social media has lessened our sense of empathy. I hate seeing mothers ignoring their children while staring at their phone and giving the child some form of electronic toy to keep them occupied as soon as they can hold one. And friendships - call your friends if they are far away - listen to the inflections in their voice as you share. I
If close go to lunch - see their expressions - interact with others - not a phone.
7
Go to the woods or the mountains and listen. What will you hear? Nothing. Silence. All around you. Maybe the hoot of an owl. Or two squirrels chasing each other and rustling branches and leaves.
Look out the window and you will see the leaves shaking and blowing around, dancing in the wind. Soon, there will be snow blanketing everything in the horizon.
Snuggle with your loved one, dog, cat or warm blanket. Read a book. Talk with one another. Connect. Drink hot chocolate. Go for a walk. We're alive, we're here and the only time we have is now.
12
@Upcat
That’s a lovely life you’re describing...
1
My fourth grade public school teacher, in Massachusetts 1967, taught that “A fools’ name and a fools’ face is always seen in a public place” ... enough said!
4
Like the 1st commenter, i am old, too. I have never had a fakebook account or a twitter thingy. when the power goes off NONE of these things will work. Not phones, computers, AI, TVs, drinking fountains, self-driving cars, gas pumps, air conditioners, etc. Do you really think the little boys and girls who are hackers are going after code? Dream on. Follow the money has more meaning than it ever did.
1
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you-Nobody-too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell ! they'd advertise -you know!
How dreary-to be-Somebody!
How public-like a Frog-
To tell one's name-the livelong June-
To an admiring Bog!
5
Did Emily Dickinson have Louisa Adams’ autobiography in mind when she wrote her poem? After all, she was from the other side of the bog, right?
3
Epicurus demanded "all things in moderation," and to live a life "unknown." Fame and wealth cause pain. The Stoics reminded us to recognize that we are all powerless in the unfolding universe. The only thing that we can control is how we react to that which we cannot control. Marcus Aurelius:
" On the occasion of every act ask thyself, How is this with respect to me? Shall I repent of it? A little time and I am dead, and all is gone. What more do I seek, if what I am doing now is the work of an intelligent living being, and a social being, and one who is under the same law with God?"
3
I read Cal Newport's _Deep Work_ before quitting social media. The arguments are quite compelling and convinced me to quit.
Having recently become a father, it was the best decision I've made since. Family time is now free of distractions and we all feel more present. Friends and family now call and ask me to send photos, rather than just commenting on posts. All of my interactions are now more personal and meaningful.
6
Everybody is a nobody when they die and no one escapes death! lol! Life goes on and no one is indispensable.
Kids have been bought up with social media and I see kids as young as five walking the streets totally oblivious to their surroundings and focusing on taking selfies then uploading them. Maybe that's what's wrong with the world; not enough connection with the real world and too much social media.
4
What is it, a nobody? Very few of us are movers and shakers. Get your life satisfaction from your family, from flesh and blood friends, from your church and/or other social groups that actually meet face to face, and by helping others. No one will make a dent in the universe, not even Steve Jobs.
2
I am as old as the hills and can easily remember the world before cell phones and social media. The change I have witnessed as these devices have subsumed one and all is not for the better.
Years ago when I began commuting, I remember fellow passengers conversing, laughing. Now virtually all sit heads bowed, transfixed by their glowing handheld devices. Tell me – how exactly is this “social” media when the society around you is completely blocked?
I take heart that faint voices are wondering what has been neglected, having stared into their phones every waking minute. I have never owned a cell phone or a smart phone. Having seen what has happened because of these phones I never will.
It breaks my heart sometimes. The children I see dangling despondently from the arm of a mother who is lost in her phone. How soon before that mom pays the price for what she’s been ignorning?
17
@Brian
Today I turned 69. I totally agree with you - I see my grandchildren spending their time on social media and it is disheartening. At least the granddaughter rides horses and is active with that - going to shows, etc.
I resisted a cell phone as well but my son insisted because they couldn't find me when they were ready to leave Costco - I told him to just go to the cheese department! So I am now on my first smartphone - that first one wasn't - an IPhone 5 that is dying - also from my son. I have to say I like having a cell phone. I do not use it when driving and ignore it much of the time. I would rather talk than text but have given in on short messages like, "When are we meeting?"
With age comes health issues and the phone does give me a sense of being able to feel I can reach help if needed - although at home I would have to find it first! That was an advantage of a landline - you knew where the phone was.
4
Certainly not a nobody, Einstein once remarked: "I am not young enough to know everything."
Share that on social media.
7
Emily Dickinson wrote "I'm a nobody--who are you." or words to that effect. I left Facebook in January and never looked back. An early convert, I used it for all sorts of things until I realized that I had no friends on Facebook. It only took about a month before I realized that out of the so-called hundreds of friends, none of them called me, checked in on me or could care at all about where I was or how I was.
Since then, Facebook and their workers leave messages on my phone (4 total) telling me my account is in danger. I've sent two letters to Zuck asking them to stop harassing me with calls about made up stuff. They want me back? What on earth?
5
"I realize that to many millennials, a life without a social media presence is not simply a private life; it is no life at all: We possess a widespread, genuine fear of obscurity." Why on earth would not having a presence on social media make a person a nobody? You would still have your family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, fellow students or colleagues. As I see it, the only relationships that count are those with a major face-to-face component.
4
@DB Um, you are assuming that we have meaningful face-to-face relationships. A lot of people's social lives now in days is on social media. We chat and contact friends via the internet. Whenever you are in public, everyone is on their phones, no one looks up anymore.
Personally, I moved around for work a lot. I have family and old friends elsewhere in the work, but almost no one locally. I'm single. In my 30s, I don't attend school with my peers anymore. I don't know my neighbors.
If you struggle to start a career and you don't have that many regular quality real-life relationships, in a weird way you are a nobody.
To clarify, I don't fear being a nobody. But I do recognize my own loneliness and I see it in many others my age. One factor is social media. What you are describing in terms of real world relationships is a little out of date.
5
@James--whether it's out of dat eo rnot, real friends never go out of style. Get involved in activities--pick one you like. In Minneapolis here there are rowing clubs on the river, or public book clubs you can join, there are running groups at gyms or political groups that meet every week at different bars or restaurants. There are churches or other places of worship, volunteer organizations, or take a class and meet people there. You need people in your life and we older folks worry that you young folk don't know how to make friends anymore outside social media. It's not your fault, but you need to do something about it. Isolation when one doesn't want it makes for misery. Reach out. You will be happy you did.
5
Im Gen X and went through exactly the same thing 6 years ago when i was a single 30-something and moving around for work or working remote.
I joined everything: hiking meetups, reached out to old friends when I was in a place where i had old friends, joined dating apps, speed dating events, tried to be social with my neighbors, went to the same coffee house, cafe and gym all the time and i was only able to make friends at work (which changed every 3-12 months).
Its really hard to build up a social circle as a single adult. Millennials get a bad reputation for “having their face in their phone 24x7” but the truth is that a lot of adults are very socially isolated and glued to their phone.
2
I completely ditched virtually all social media well over a year ago and I have to say it has greatly improved my emotional well being. I am active online but the extent of my interpersonal interactions are email, the message boards on Ancestry, and the comments section of the New York Times. No more Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. I am no less informed and politically engaged, both locally and nationally, but I am much, much saner.
12
Personal opinion that may not matter at all: One only needs to matter -- really matter, really be somebody -- to a small number of people, and then the rest don't matter. But, if that basic need is not met, then thousands of virtual followers and likers hardly matter (but, what do I know... I would be horrified to have those thousands.) And, if that need _is_ met, the online haters don't matter. But to matter to those few others, to be somebody, means investing love, caring, interest, time, as appropriate, sometimes in person, sometimes electronically, sometimes with money, always with _time_ and depth and huge tolerance for quirks and rough edges.
---Call me "Still Trying"
2
Whenever I am online, my constant thought is how can I remain anonymous while going about the task at hand. I subscribe to no social media and even get irritated when my friends text something unnecessary and inane. I have a close knit group of friends and family whose opinion I value and everyone else can slag off. I take my privacy seriously and understand there isn't a way to remain completely anonymous, but I do what I can to keep my electronic footprint as light as possible.
5
It sounds nice to say you want a private life, but as humans the vast majority of us really do crave the attention of others.
The author who hosts a podcast is writing about wanting a private life- to a HUGE audience of readers. She's getting plenty of attention. Other social media users do not have that luxury, but it gives them a tool to attempt to satisfy that craving.
2
I like selective social media. It enables me to reconnect with people from my past and others from a variety of circles in my current life. I have no interest in expanding to include strangers. I try to comment only if I have something relevant to contribute and do not engage with political voices with whom I am unlikely to come to any agreement.
Not every drinker is an alcoholic and not every person using social media is cut off from life.
Balance is everything.
3
Millennial here. I was a relatively active social media user. Then I got a real (full-time, permanent) job, and no longer needed to constantly 'build my brand'. Then I got married, and didn't need the internet to meet people. Then I started a family, and was too busy enjoying life to log on.
Nobody actually likes social media. We use it to fill gaps in our social lives: to hide our insecurities, to ward off loneliness, to find the community we lack. Deciding to become an internet nobody is a true joy...it means you've finally filled the gaps.
22
After a brief, discouraging foray into FB, I now use no social media AT ALL. I have also been unable to watch television since the last election. At 62 I am happier than I have ever been in my life. There aren’t enough hours in the day for the active things I love doing, and I adore being alone. Being “nobody” is actually a superpower, trust me.
14
@kinnakeet0
I turned 69 today. I love this! I do not own a TV but admit to watching some programming online.
I read, write and am involved with organizations that work for social justice. I also love being alone and I agree with you being a nobody is a superpower. I will have to remember that when friends push me to be on FB.
2
I didnt realize that disconnecting from social media was such a profound experience. To me it felt like an addiction no different from video gaming or the compulsive television watching of my childhood.
About a month ago, I realized that social media brought out the worst in me and that i was essentially a facebook troll. So I shutdown my account feeling a marginal sense of catharsis but really nothing happened. No one missed me. They were all busy trying to collect their own likes. Its as if a decade of Facebooking had never happened at all.
18
“Social media is no longer a mere public extension of our private socialization; it has become a replacement for it.”
Thank you for writing this.
8
This article reminds me why I loathe being called a millenial. I was a freshman in 1997... I got my first smart phone when I was 27... I grew up on a landline tethered to the wall.... I graduated college before college students were getting on Facbook. How am I getting lumped in with this? Can't I just be a Gen Xer? I relate to that a lot more.
1
@Laura: Nearly every generation that is on line is having a problem with social media, not just the Millennials. Boomers and Xers are just as vulnerable. Social media can be a balm for the emptiness that strikes in mid-life when children leave the nest for good and retirement looms. And even older people who feel isolated seek it out, too. Millennials aren't alone in struggling to come to terms with an increasingly virtual life.
1
@Laura, it might be worthwhile to look within yourself and ask why you loathe a label created by sociologists based on the year you were born. Sure, you can distance yourself from the "selfish avocado toast-eating millennial" archetype, but you are a millennial.
@Alyssa probably because all my friends walk around complaining about whiny millenials... then look at me confused when I say that I'm a millenial. Also, sociologists have labeled me with four different labels at this point, Gen X, Gen Y, Millenial and Xennial. There's a great chart in The Atlantic about it and you can see this insane overlap for people between 81 and 84
This piece reminds of a quote a friend recently shared with me: "Graveyards are full of indispensable men." I'm afraid that social media gives folks an inflated sense of their importance. I'm grateful that this writer has found humility and meaning interacting with "the real world." She expresses how I felt when I stopped using instagram and went low census on facebook. A lot of people I barely know expressed sadness about my decision but with my real life friends nothing has changed.
6
I was permanently suspended from Twitter, accused of having multiple accounts (I don't). And spamming (I don't). I thought of all the celebs, like James Woods, who fight to get reinstated. But I chose to respond - "OMG. I've been suspended from Twitter. How will I ever go on. MY life is ruined. RUINED!". It's been two months. No withdrawal symptoms.
10
I actually was slightly a "somebody" in my previous professional life and now I have to say, being a nobody is BLISS.
133
I'm 51. A musician. Everyone tells me I have to be on social media to let people know about my gigs, etc. But I find that I feel happier and less stressed when I take a break from FB, IG etc. Have used lightly or not at all for the past few months when before it was an everyday, any hour thing. I find myself just using whatsapp, chatting with friends, inviting people directly to a gig instead of making some random post on other apps.
5
I am a 53 year old single woman, have never been on social media. I love to read, watch news and films, travel, cook, walk, think and daydream. Often when I tell people that I am not on any social media, they think I am IT-challenged. Once a student in the university I work at, told me “how do you live and know anything going on without it?” I told her, “by actually reading “.
Often I find people don’t have any idea about news or current issues, even though they are on social media all the time. Funny thing is that among close friends and family, I became a “revered” entity for not being on social media nevertheless they are on it.
8
If you want to leave a 'legacy' then get off social media and live a life committed to doing whatever you deem important.
But first you might question what 'legacy' means to you; if it's mere public adulation, forget it!
12
ugh to "social media". What exactly is "social" about it? I've never been called so many rude names in my life. People argue without facts , are hostile and rude and it's very easy to do so behind a keyboard. Trying to have an intelligent conversation with strangers on facebook only raises your blood pressure.
5
I fondly remember my first post on Twitter. I posted some joke in support of some public intellectual I liked, who was being flamed. Then I got flamed... for not existing. The fact this was my first Twitter post meant I didn't exist. I was a made-up personality invented for the purpose of agreeing with someone. Then I [unwisely] complained that everyone started with one post - that every journey of a hundred thousand tweets starts with a single tweet - and so I got flamed more. Sadly, that was my last tweet.
45
@Tansu Otunbayeva These were people you would never have wanted to know or meet anyway.
7
This is the second thoughtful piece I have read written by a millennial regarding how they fit into their world. What astonishes me, as post-boomer, is how young people seem to abdicate all control over the choices they make, as if they HAVE to be on social media all the time, they HAVE to take jobs that don't pay them enough to buy a house or buy real furniture. This is the time they live in, we all have certain challenges that we face in our twenties, depending on what is going on in the country at that time. For people who were young post WW2, or during Vietnam or during the horrific Reagan years or the downsizing of companies, outsourcing of millions of jobs...this is your life, your time. It is up to you to control the influences around you not to be victim to them. Just because everyone is doing something or the market culture pushes it at you, doesn't mean you have to take it. Self-determination is yours to choose, in both of these pieces there is a bizarre denial of the obvious, glaring fact that young people, anyone for that matter, has to manage how they live in modern society. It's not a huge, significant, big deal to make choices about what you give your time and energy to, it's called real life and being an adult.
5
I'm 48 years old and I've been using Internet since IRC via Telnet, that's about 25 yrs now. Social media came much later into the game and I'm sure I've been one of the first who started using it in the society in which I live in. Now since about 8 months, I'm off Facebook (although I made around 4-5 quits in the past but kept coming back, this one is the final goodbye and I am pretty sure there is no turning back). About 3 months, I'm off Instagram. At the moment I only follow a couple of guys on Twitter who tweet about interesting topics for me. And let me tell you this, I have a very good feeling, kind of freedom of being off Facebook and Instagram. It somehow feels calm, peaceful and back to myself. And I am sure, in this case, I am again one of the first to leave social media in my society. Many will follow. Time will tell. I can only recommend it, if you got the feeling that the time you spend on social media feels like you're wasting your time, just log off, shut down, relax. You'll feel good.
5
@Alp Hamzagil: It is freeing. I have never participated in Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, but I did have an addiction to a discussion forum that was extremely difficult to quit. I tried over and over for about seven years to stop participating because I knew that it was unhealthy for me, but I kept getting sucked back in. I finally contacted the site and requested that I be banned so I could not access my account, and then had my spouse block the website on our home router so I could not re-register under a different user name. Although it might seem a bit extreme, that did the trick. The immediate aftermath was rough. I was truly addicted to the forum, but after a few weeks, the urge to log on diminished, and I realized that I was much happier without it.
1
I 'quit' the addiction/affliction of Facebook and Twitter about two years ago and I feel SO much better. It's like a monkey off my back. I agree: "I am, in fact, more present than ever." Definitely!
5
I was one of the first 10,000 people on Facebook, and I too quit cold turkey 3 months ago...never to look back.
The anxiety from the wide array of posts was crazy; making me crazy for thinking these people actually had thought about a post for more than 2 seconds before posting it.
I have about 150 friends who were among the 760 Facebook friends..and those 150 know where I live..they have my cell #...and my email address.
That's all that matters.
#WalkAway
3
I have a TracPhone that costs me 7.00 (seven dollars) a month.
I have about 3000 minutes available, because I am NOT a phone diddler.
I am not "on" Facebook, Twitter, etc etc etc.
I have basic Direct TV and a non-smart TeeVee. Teevee today is like staring into a full garbage can. I can do that for free too.
I survived.
I will NOT be part of the moronification and infantilization of America.
4
I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!
How dreary - to be - Somebody!
How public - like a Frog -
To tell one's name - the livelong June -
To an admiring Bog!
--Emily Dickinson (1891)
9
I am not on any social media. Yet somehow I exist.
Betty White had it right...it's a huge waste of time.
6
If a tree falls in the forest and no one posts about it on social media; does it make any noise?
9
So now, instead of posting your life events on Twitter, you have graduated to posting an Opinion piece about a life event in the New York Times, which I read and comment on. I have to walk the dog now.
3
I'm nobody. Who are you?
Are you nobody too?
Then there's a pair of us.
Don't tell--they'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody. How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog.
--Emily Dickinson
3
One of the new (to you) things that I hope you will soon discover is that you do not speak for anyone but yourself.
This means that it is incumbant on you to avoid using the royal "we" when writing about...anything.
Perhaps doing otherwise, with no editor checking you, is just another lasting symptom of toxic social media syndrome.
Or, possibly, it is just my problem? I started to find your article interesting, since it seemed to be the testament of a cult member who broke away. But reading on, I see the enduring, telltale signs of group-think, and I shrug.
1
What a great picture! Hail Hitler meets The Statue of Liberty and the enlightenment values she stands for, or used to. No one, including today’s wide awoke young people, seem to have a care for liberty, equality, or brotherhood.
It’s as if the phones and their handlers are waving goodbye to those now ancient values.
3
I realize that this may be a strange thought for many folks today (especially those younger than 25-30), but “once upon a time”, social media DIDN’T EXIST!!! People actually talked face to face!! OMG!!
3
Yea you chose to not be on social media and then write an article here. Yea uh huh.
2
Wonderful truth. As I enter my 8th decade I am slowing my Internet life. Hard to lose the addiction, been hooked for 25 years. But I quit FB late 2016. Never 'liked' Twit. Yet still active on a forum. Even NYT has become social. This too will pass, for me.
My internal dialogue has become louder, I used to say, 'I have questions!' for when I meet my maker, aka God. But no longer.
Now I spend my thoughts sensing the entire universe or multiverse, or?
We are one with all and never leave anything.
Dust to Dust...
6
A writer summed it up well about 420 years ago ...
Much Ado About Nothing
3
You've made yourselves into automatons. The kind most easily enslaved. And that is exactly the future the Chinese have in mind for your generation. Hence, we party like it's 1999. Because for you all, it is.
"We possess a widespread, genuine fear of obscurity."
Yeh, so what's that all about, Millennials? There's 7B people on this planet. Do you really feel like you need to stand out? Why? What's special about you? Actually, there is nothing special about you - not even all those participation trophies.
1
I still can’t figure out why Darwin doesn’t wipe out the social media addicts who cross the street willy nilly. Plugged in only to themselves.
2
I truly appreciate the way this essay explains the feeling of devotion one develops to social media. I just could not understand what hold those tiny screens had when compared to laughing and talking with friends, watching the kids experience the playground, improving job skills -- all the life experiences that are missed while one texts. I was so perplexed by groups of people (friends or co-workers) barely speaking to each other, at least directly. She helped me see how one can be deceived into thinking that a textual record and large audience is necessary in order to give meaning to a life.
1
I completely understand your point of view and am truly glad that you find peace in an existence that doesn't revolve around social media. I know some who wish they could do the same.
However - I know many young people, myself included, who use social media to keep in touch with family, and more importantly, interact with people across the world with different views and experiences. I have found people on twitter that live close by, with shared interests, but who I would have probably never met otherwise. Twitter has helped me mobilize people for causes in the real world - tree planting, animal shelter work, etc. (I rarely use facebook and instagram). My close friend likes to post music I've never heard of, but enjoy. I've found pen-pals on twitter. I can watch live-streams of marches in DC when I'm unable to attend. I hear about new restaurants opening near me. These things are all important to me.
I have met lifelong friends during my ~10 years on twitter, and I'm 24. Twitter in particular has been a tool to enhance my life, probably because I don't go crazy about "likes", nor do I follow model influencers posting flat tummy tea ads in their Rolls Royce.
Sure, I am on social media a good bit, talking to people all over the country, BUT I have a fulfilling career and offline life - that I share with people I didn't meet on the internet. Balance is key. And hey- whenever I go to Los Angeles, Atlanta, or Dublin, I know I'll have a couch to crash on!
1
I was on Facebook for 5 years, got back in touch with old friends and work colleagues. At first, it was fun, but did tire of the photos of dogs and cats (nothing against dogs and cats, but not interesting to me). Loved seeing photos of peoples' travels and my relatives' kids. And, sometimes, there were good jokes.
Then, in 2015, after Trump announced his candidacy, I found out, through Facebook friends' postings, that many people I had known for years had vastly different views than I did. I could have handled the differing views, but people were posting disinformation and hateful cartoons and conspiracy theories that had been debunked, and I wondered: How am I friends with these people? And, I mean, real friends, not just Facebook friends.
One time I posted a reply, a disagreement reply, to a debunked video that a friend posted, and she left me an angry telephone voice mail message back that she was offended and never wanted anything to do with me again.
So, I deleted Facebook. Asked my relatives to send me their kids' photos and travel photos by text or email. Started texting my closest friends and relatives. And, using the telephone.
And, my mother is 92 so I learned this: When you get old and you and your contemporaries have medical issues, and your life gets more consumed with your health, and, especially, if you need to move to a long term care facility, you find out that you probably have only 3 to 5 real friends who call or visit.
13
Welcome back to reality, Ms. Brooks!
I gave up FB years ago and I certainly do not miss it. I am not a Twitterer or an Instagramer either. I read newspapers, magazines and listen to CNN, the BBC and MSNBC as well as some 80's and Classic Rock music stations and spoken word stuff such as Moth Radio. Utterly uninterested in reading about the curation of other peoples' lives or salivating over food porn as I prefer my food on a plate and in my mouth. I prefer to live my own life, be with my 3 dimensional friends, work my highly relational job as a psychotherapist, and walk the hiking trails of my Topanga Canyon home keeping a look out for rattlers, coyotes and bobcats. I look at life through the lenses of my own eyes and I exist just fine, thank you very much.
10
...another soc-med victim redeemed!!
2
One year ago, I deleted my FB account, and while I occasionally miss communicating with a few friends and family members, overall my life has been much calmer and I feel more centered in reality. (I never Twittered or used Instagram)
I don’t miss fake drama, “look at me!” look at vacation pics, perfect life, newest luxury purchase, friends partying,the “go fund me” begging, the “please buy candle/clothes/nail wraps/jewelry party pop-ups, and stupid/violent/tragic/racist/thoughtless/appalling behaviors that people post to try and gain likes, thumbs up, or some form of validation for said behaviors. I also don’t miss the inevitable political judging and endless psychological manipulation and marketing, which is really what social media has become. Why does our world even need “influencers”? Are people that insecure about their own choices that they need to obey some random person on social media who pronounces what the latest fad, diet, lifestyle, workout, etc? It was easier for me to break it off with social media than it is for a younger person. I’m in my mid-50’s, and didn’t grow up with Internet, cell phones or microwaves. And not surprisingly, I realized what a monumental time-suck social media is, that FB friends are not really friends, because despite having a smart phone, people prefer interaction of hitting “like” buttons instead of calling and talking using that phone. Social media is ruining our human connections and our true sense of self.
7
I'm a 68 year old retired child psychologist and have talking with children and teenagers for 45 years. I know they are addicted to social media, but I had never logged onto social media until about a month ago. It is addicting and I found myself doing nothing but scrolling through many thousands of ten second videos from all over the world. It is fascinating to have people from everywhere in the world share their daily lives, but now I understand why millions of young people say they are socially isolated and lonely. If you have never been on social media, try it out. We are raising a generation of self-absorbed narcissistic and very unhappy young people.
12
Welcome to the club! Admittedly I don't miss FB. Real friends call or text you if they feel you REALLY matter.
In addition to social media I stopped watching news almost a decade ago and I feel so much more happier since. Nurse commented I have the blood pressure of a teenager, and I told her my secret.
Take some time to dream, smell the flowers, peace of mind is a delightful thing :)
3
Digito ergo sum.
2
I do hate the expression 'to be a nobody'. What does it mean? As long as someone is alive and exists, that person is somebody. Being a nobody is a stupid, narrow-minded branding of a human being, whose value is in being human, not in the success they may have or not have in the eyes of society, of family, of whatever is mean enough to come up with such nonsensic definition
5
Sooo....
If I post here, does it mean I've learned nothing from the article?
Is this my legacy?
What a mixed bag.
2
I think this is your hidden gem in the piece: “We feel we need as many people as possible to witness our lives, so as not to be left out of a story that is being written too fast by people much more significant than ourselves.”
The feel of it is: things are happening, progress is being made, so many people seem to do and know so much about so many things and I need to be part of that.
But our own doings only seem insignificant from the lens of existing inside the world of social media.
Like the all-encompassing social life and drama taking place for students in a public high school, social media has a way of sucking one in, convincing one of the ultimate reality of that limited space, and recalibrating one’s values to fit into the artificial confines of that space. Especially if one has a bit of success in that sphere.
I found that the only way to reveal the artificiality of it was a disengage and see it from the outside in.
3
In a way, this reminds me of the ancient insight that the best way to get girls is to stop trying to get girls.
My father was a motion picture producer. At one point, he moved from Samuel Goldwyn Pictures to RKO. He would tell the story of when a reporter from the Hollywood Reporter asked him whether he and Goldwyn shook hands when he left. My Dad replied, "No, we shook fists."
How like a tweet! But this was 1936 or so. There is a certain type of personality that can succeed as a producer, or as a real estate developer. It's sort of like narcissism, and I think it gets confused with that, but it's really just getting ahead. Making the right impression, being the smartest person in the room. You do it to compete.
When I was a kid, my Dad told me stories like that. My Mom tried to get me to consider the other person. Put all that together and, for me, considering the other person meant measuring how I was doing with them.
It wasn't until years later that I discovered that wasn't it. People are the centers of their own universes; they aren't supporting actors in your movie. You don't really know anybody when you're directing them. You're basically all alone.
Is this the void social media fills? Certainly it antedates the internet. Is it related to "economic man?" or "What Makes Sammy Run?" (millennials, Google that). Social media's tragedies are the symptoms. What is the disease?
1
@Tim Haight--I think the disease is ego. Buddhists have it right. To desire is dangerous, especially when the ego is involved as it so often is today. Our shallow, shallow world, when there are really important things to actually do. Like maybe saving the planet and some species, for one...
2
It seems that it is almost an expectation of young people today that social media must be a part of our lives. When you meet someone new, they don’t ask you “what is your telephone number?” They ask you something like “what is your Instagram?” Or “what is your Snapchat?”
And when someone decides to leave social media, they really are absent to the world.
Scrolling through Instagram even for me, when I see someone that I haven’t talked to in a while post something, it is actually something of a reminder of their existence. That is the sad reality in which we live. You really do disappear to other people when you are not on social media.
28
@Spencer Waterman; Do you really disappear, or do you simply find that some or most of the relationships you think you have are too shallow to sustain themselves absent social media? If a relationship evaporates because you leave Instagram, I have to wonder if it ever existed at all.
58
The best thing I ever did was to get off Facebook for good a couple of years ago. It was such a complete waste of time and energy.
I don’t miss it.
2
people seeing themselves and the world through their iphones, celebrating themselves with their selfies on social media ... social scientists smile and recognize in these things the basic human forces of conformity and "public self awareness."
it's true, it's validated by well known social psychological research: put people in front of a mirror or an audience while they do some experimenter defined task, and their behavior changes quite remarkably. (google "public private self awareness".)
the mirror selfie snapping iphone, connected to the selfie liking online audience -- two electronic forms of mind and behavior control.
not perfect yet, but corporations are nothing if not persistent and long striving ... they'll get there! they'll get deep into your brain and behavior, i'm taking bets on it.
and you write me articles about the cleverness of parasitic wasps and their love of gall insects. what better prey than a human galled in their own self importance?
meanwhile, surf and snap away, oh iphone user! more data for the corporation to parse, ponder, plan upon. a strange new system is being created, a human coral with 10 billion little organisms all locked in their calciferous IP address, credit card ID card, transactional data stream. their little fingers, like stirring flagella, sending shimming keystrokes of text into the void.
4
There is no need for anyone to be on social media ever!
2
It's all about the ego.
I used to be on FB when it first came out. I had this sickening feeling sometimes... I would watch myself from the third person posting pictures and comments. Trying to make myself look interesting, attractive, cool, intelligent. It was absurd. Just feeding the image, the edifice, the persona.
I'd rather be real.
2
Much of social media is "navel gazing" and giving everyone around you the opportunity to look at you, too. It's very self-congratulatory over almost nothing important.
I'm not an addict; I have no Twitter account, no Instagram, and I "unfriended" (sounds so mean) twenty of my twenty six friends. I feel much better about myself. I'm a somebody in my own life's sphere again. Plus I read a lot more of what's really going on in the world, so I'm more well-informed.
I do like the camera on the phones though.
4
There I am again: poised on the brink of posting a comment here or not. What does it matter if NYT puts it up? (They usually do not.) If four people I don’t know see my post, and I will never know they did anyway? More often than not these days I just hit the upper left arrow and move on. And I’m still me. My wife and kids still love me.
Let’s hope I can get to that arrow more often, and maybe even stop reading others’ comments, too.
3
“A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others.” L. Frank Baum
If you want to be loved then visit and have fun with your friends and family; please do something besides just liking their food and sunset pictures on the Internet. That’s not enough...
4
Facebook and other social media is like being trapped at a bad party with people who are judging you and who you don't want to be around. Quitting it has eliminated a great deal of depression in my life and I feel like I am finally living life to the fullest again.
7
A couple of years ago on Christmas Day I took my nephew to Pismo Beach, Ca. for an afternoon of surfing. The beach was packed with hundreds of folks, and as my nephew surfed, I settled on my blanket and read a novel I’d brought along. Every few minutes I’d scan the crowd and find my nephew amongst the surfers. It was a wonderful panorama to behold. So peaceful, so relaxed. Everyone was enjoying the moment. But then I noticed something that struck me as being very “off”. When Ian came out of the surf and found me on the beach, I tossed him a towel and said “Ian, this is crazy”. He looked at me quizzically. “Look at this scene, it’s a beautiful Christmas Day on the beach, all these happy people around us...except...”. “Except what?” he asked. “Look carefully at these people. Not a single one of them is paying any attention to where they are right now, are they?” He looked and saw what I saw. Every person, without exception, was glued to their smartphone. Hundreds and hundreds of beach goers, and every last one of them was lost in their phone.
I was so sad when I saw such a blatant example of what the addictive electronic realm is doing to humans, fueled by the greed of uncouth billionaires who deliberately addict unaware people to their “product”. Suddenly it just didn’t feel like it was Christmas anymore.
207
@Mosey P
Upon reading your comment, I felt a little less alone in my sadness for the days when we could just all be in the moment, together, yet in our little worlds.
I must tell you I wept after reading this comment.
I have a 4 year old daughter and nothing breaks my heart more than to know she will probably never have what I grew up with and I suspect you did too. May people Iike us be brave enough to be truly in the moment and show people what they’re missing.
May they they look up long enough to notice....
25
@Mosey P I was just on vacation in August in Las Vegas and noted the same thing. In fact had to dodge all the people snapping photos of each other on their phones. They weren't enjoying Las Vegas they were managing their online personas.
15
@Mosey P. What’s even sadder is I found about your story while glued to a phone. Then it sort of give me reward to stay glued to my phone to read more comments like this.
9
Social media is an untested, extremely addictive drug. It had benefits and many many disadvantages. But ultimately we still don't quite understand it.
1
I come from a different time and place and I value my privacy. I will give an example. When I was in my twenties I had a brief romantic affair that was perfect. When a loving relationship is brief it remains perfect. He was an Italian and I am an American. When he returned to Italy that was the end of it. It is a precious memory that I wanted to keep for myself. No comments, no gossip. Only he and I know. Had it happened now there would have been no public posts, Tweeter, Facebook, Instagram. Almost 50 years later it is still a secret, precious memory.
5
I was told a number of years ago that using Facebook and Instagram would help my business,so I signed up! Now,I’m not too sure. I struggle to present my business in a different light each and every time I post but I don’t see the results of people rushing in. I do find that I become agitated when I look at my competition and I feel inadequate compared to them but I’m not sure what to do in that case. I try not to look at any of the other things that are posted, but I fail with regularity. I then start obsessing! Geesh!
I don’t know that those platforms have ever really benefited me.
7
There is a big downside to being on social media. That is why I do none of it. I like to read I like to think I like to relate to people around me. I will talk on the phone though.
1
Oh yes it's true. Our online personas are fast becoming equally if not more important than our real selves. Every action on the internet has real life implications. It's another sort of frontier of humanity: Money, power, fame, social media influence. For most of my younger generation an online presence is not just anathema but essentially impossible. Few years ago I resisted getting a LinkedIn profile, but after being told I would be virtually unemployable in my field without one. What am I going to do? Jeopardise my chance at a job? Today I bit the bullet and set one up, now I'm turning off notifications after too many pleasantries with people I don't like. I don't generate tweets or follow people onTwitter but I do look at tweets because so much of what affects me in public discourse happens on there. It's not as simple as just giving all of them up. Or maybe it is and my willpower is low. This stuff is ubiquitous. Recently I saw the whole FaceApp craze and decided never to upload my picture onto it, only to find out my cousin took a picture of me and ageified me without my consent. "If it's not on the internet, it didn't happen". The matrix is inescapable... especially for under 40s.
3
We are the same age. I’ve been reckoning with the same questions. Today, I crave the pre-internet, pre-social media age that I knew earlier in life. How lucky we are to have known what it was like!
Thank you for this piece.
5
Excellent post. Unfortunately most teens and you adults aren't nearly as emotionally mature as the author. They've become addicted without even realizing it. I only use one platform to share with family and real life friends. That's it.
1
Social media causes us to seek external validation for our own thoughts, instead of reflecting individually. In some ways it's similar to a concept of god - a desire to be externally validated in a manner that feels, somehow, internal. And nothing is private. You feel like someone, somehow, is watching, or that you must be watched in order to exist and count to the larger world.
I deleted social media around the time my daughter was born last year. It's proved as a good decision for me. I'm rediscovering myself while discovering her, and not caring about the thoughts of anyone other than those actually immediately in our lives.
4
What a wonderful insight from a bright young mind trying to navigate the virtual and real worlds we're in...
3
I can't really relate to the desire to be one of the world-movers, or to be famous and well-liked, or to be influential. I just don't see how any of that provides any more meaning than their opposites, which may actually provide *more* meaning. Maybe "meaning" is the wrong word. Maybe it's the *search* for meaning, which is too sweetly called the "human condition".
When I think about whether my life is significant to the world, I can see clearly that it isn't. But that's not where significance is. My life is extraordinarily significant, influential, and world-moving to tons of people! When you feel too small to "make a difference", all you have to do is smile to a stranger to realize you're wrong. It's not going to ripple out and cause larger change, but that's not what you do it for; that makes other people a means to an end.
With social media, people read other profiles mostly so that other people will read theirs. We get into traps where we pretend to have lives because we're so threatened by the pretending other people are doing. Social comparison is a rickety bridge across a vast canyon.
I was there at the beginning of Facebook. We used it to organize group meetings, carpools, parties, etc. It was a tool to *help* us socialize, and it was just fine. Then it started to replace real life, and that's why I left (that and the privacy concerns and not being paid for my data). Ever since I quit, my life has been better. I have fewer relationships, but they're deeper.
16
Here's a different perspective: I am grateful for social media, for it has made it easier for me to stay in touch with family and friends who live clear across the globe. It has become a lifeline for today's immigrants all over the world, one that I did not have 35 years ago when I came to America. I could barely afford to call my parents once a month, for no more than 10 minutes. The key to using social media is self-control and good judgement. What you post and how often you post are factors in your control, or should be. There are controls for who can see your posts and whose posts you want to see. No need to blame a fun invention for a very human lack of control. You can put your phone away. Remember you own the phone, not the other way around.
9
Social media is the Borg from Star Trek Next Gen.
https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_3175615?test_ad=readmo_test
1
This.
There is nothing wrong with being a nobody.
306
@Mark
It can actually be a huge relief to let yourself be satisfied with being an ordinary, mediocre, and very-human being. I recommend it.
77
@Mark I hope you get picked as a NYT pick!
Nobodies are the best.
35
@Mark
“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.” - Alan Watts
39
Advice I give to my kids:
Unless you absolutely have to, don't tell anyone anything about anything ever.
Damn, I shouldn't have written that.
12
According to Google about 16% of Americans are on twitter. And yet just about any news article I read mentions what someone said on twitter. A pretty small minority of people who think they are more important than they are. Guess what. Most of us could care less what you think about anything and the hash tag thing is something I don't really get and would never waste the time to find out.
8
You make several good points which are in themselves rather obvious. But you're sharing all your thoughts now on main stream media.
Writers share thoughts I suppose. One way or the other.
Social media is a "social disease," without the pleasure usually involved in getting such an infection face-to-face (or "doggie-style").
1
I got involved in a nascent social network formed by Biz Stone in 2015 called Super which died a quiet death. It was fun and intimate but couldn’t sustain any business model or evolve to a ‘platform.’ Spending a lot of time on a new, smaller network, turned me off from all other SM and I stopped posting everywhere else. I created a new Twitter account a few years ago after some ugliness spun out of control from my old Twitter account. So I’m not officially removed from all SM and still look at what’s trending on Twitter, but don’t post anywhere. I’m an old too but geeky and have been online since way back.
Oddly, of late, I’ve been posting in this comments section various articles. It can be amusing to dip an essentially anonymous toe into the waters of online engagement. Yet, even now I want to see who replies, who is ‘NYT picked’ (I was once!) and then, even replying to the replies to set things straight. And even that exercise becomes twisted as the replies yield more replies of misinterpretation and pointlessness.
There is no replacement for exchanges of dialogue between two or more people, in live discussion. The spontaneity, the unpredictable turns, the swift ability to revise, reframe and reiterate ... gets smeared and destroyed in SM. Online, even here there is no ‘connection’ or exchange of information but it’s just screaming into a large crowd.
But, ahh, I still want to see if this comment gets any engagement. I’m no better with or without SM. We’ve ruined it.
4
We have been on a slippery slope for years since twitter and farce-book have been around.
How we can legitimize a tweet from an elected official is beyond me.
In addition, a tweet from days-gone-by can get you in trouble.
Film the birth of your child, place it on farce-book and then complain when the photos are sold to a third company? Whose fault is that?
My name is Scott and I am social-media free for over four years.
Feels good folks.
6
Good for you for opting out. There is hardly a greater waste of time to be found than social media.
3
Thank you for a thoughtful and well-written column.
I feel so fortunate that my adolescence occurred just prior to the big assimilation.
3
Without privacy, there is no intimacy. Without intimacy, there is neither deep friendship nor true love. Without deep friendship and true love, life is an empty sequence of dull grey days.
4
Another 5 minutes of my life I will never get back.
On Twitter, off Twitter, it’s all just sound and fury, signifying...nothing.
2
Hi Bianca! Nicely done.
I picked up a copy of O Magazine a few weeks back and began reading a piece about how to manage friendships. Nearly the entire thing was devoted to what to do when someone likes your post or doesn't like your post, etc ...
My head was spinning by the end.
It reinforced my decision two years ago to get off Facebook (which was not hard once my husband, who had done it before me, explained how it is done: Willpower.) I still read Twitter for the jokes and unvarnished news and @twosetviolin (because who can resist classical music-obsessed youth from Australia). Otherwise, it's walks with the dogs, time with friends and family, and finding meaning along the way.
1
It’s amazing that friends will send me a piece on Facebook messenger about friendship or why I am such a good friend but never pick up the phone to call.
5
Mark Zuckerberg is not worth 50 billion because he gives his product away for free. In all social media YOU are the product.
6
I don't care what you think. I don't care what you eat. I don't care what you think of a movie. And I don't care to propound my opinions on anyone. Nor am I interested in hooking up with someone I knew when I was 8. Social media is, for the most part, a huge waste of time.
6
I deactivated my FB account about three years ago. I have not missed it all, except for the occasional bit of meaningful news, such as a birth or death of someone I know. As soon as FB started getting flooded with people's opinions on topics they were passionate about, that's when I lost interest. Listening to a bunch of dopes screaming into the digital void is not my idea of a good time. I'm fortunate in that I have real relationships with real people. BTW- I only bought a subscription to the NYT because clearing my browser history to get free articles stopped working. So kudos to whoever figured that out.
2
@Jim: You bring up the most difficult part of being off social media. What used to be announced with phone calls & letters to a select group of people who had a vested interest in the news is now put on Facebook with the expectation that those who need to know participate. We live in a world where births, graduations, and deaths, events that used to at least warrant a phone call if not a letter, greeting card, or even a personal visit, are announced via social media without a second thought. It detracts from the significance of the life events we wish to share with those closest to us. I consider it a very special thing to receive a letter and a photograph from someone I care about who's recently had a baby or graduated from high school. Not so much when the only place we can see the image is on Instagram next to a photo of last night's dinner. And don't even get me started on email thank you notes!
we are not listening Bianca , judging from the comments all we do is talk. so sad
Congratulations on embracing LIFE as it can be off-stage.
However, it seems to me that you have NOT given up Social Media if you are still reading questions posed to you about where you are ... or where you have gone.
Think about it.
I’d love to see some millennials comment. Admirable to hear from one advocate, but I see the general addiction to a faux digital persona as an insurmountable humanitarian problem, on par with the risks of global warming, rise of nationalistic corrupt governments, and resurgence of deadly epidemics. Do our teens get it?? #getareallife
2
Despite have a 40 year, lucrative career as that odds defying IT professional, a female, This very column contradicts everything this young woman is saying. If she really wanted to "be herself" she should find a job that deals with something besides herself. Otherwise she's still just another egocentric with nothing behind her mirror.
I tweet. Therefore I exist.
The irony to me is all these young people who talk about saving the natural world don't even know how to interact with the natuural world.
5
Maybe if you threw away your phone and started talking to real people you would find a real social life and real friends. You and your generation would be pleasantly surprised to find out that people in person can be quite interesting, and that there is no need for you to broadcast to the cyber world everything that happens to you. And, finally, people will accept -or indeed, reject you- for what you are, not for your on screen avatar.
1
This morning my 13 yr old told me that she is deleting her Snapchat app. "It's bad for my mental health." I'm so proud.
7
Just remember that when the Borg finally invade Earth, the first ones they will 'assimilate' are Twitter and Facebook users!
1
Welcome back to real life, Ms. Brooks, where everyone is a nobody and nobody cares. It's nice here, not perfect, but free of the narcissism, false panic and morbid righteousness of twitter.
If people ask where you went, tell them you went back to life.
1
A person writing in the New York Times, telling people to stop using social media, is like a rich person telling poor people that money is not important. Perhaps this editorial about the value of not sharing would have been more persuasive if the author did not share it?
1
Nice piece. Just curious: don't you find you have more time for actually doing as opposed to talking about doing?
This is such profound piece! Let me proceed to post it on twitter, LinkedIn & Facebook.
3
The headline got a laugh out of me. Not wanting to lose contact with the many friends and family I discovered was the main reason I was there. However, once I started boring myself to tears with "myself." I could only imagine what it was doing to others. It felt uncool to post my latest "all about me" stuff. I have my time back and I love it. As far as losing contact, that oddly remains the same. One bonus, I know where they are now. No loss here.
I've always loved this Emily Dickinson poem and hope every English teacher in every class in America makes it part of the curriculum:
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!
4
Aren't we all on 'social media' right here?
How is this different from posting an opinion on FB? Media is media and the very fact that we can comment and 'recommend' others' comments makes it Social Media.
Welcome back to the real world Ms. Brooks. Living in relative obscurity has its benefits, chief among them privacy. I don't twitter, use facebook, instagram or any of the other social media platforms. I turn off the location finder on my phone and my laptop. Google doesn't need to know where I am or where I go as it is bad enough that they sell my web searches to whoever they choose without regard to my privacy. Live life a day at a time and in the moment. Enjoy a cup of coffee with a friend or colleague, no one is hanging on your every tweet. Relax and enjoy your privacy.
2
Please click the recommend button at the bottom of this comment. I will feel better about myself if you do. Thanks!
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@Alex There your go. I dumped Facebook a while back and must say it continues to fee good that I did.
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@Alex
Bless you, Alex! Oh humans, huh?
5
@Alex
Hilarious. I recommend your comment.
21
Ms.Brooks is to be applauded for her introspection but still, I take exception with her overarching goal of "forming a legacy" which smacks of organizing your life around what others may think of you and questions one's motivation for good works.
3
Obscurity is such an interesting fear. We're just as obscure with everyone proclaiming themselves on social media as with no-one doing so. The former condition is like dining in a trendy, noisy restaurant where one cannot hear one's own companions above the din. It's lonely in a different way.
1
Obscurity is such an interesting fear. We're just as obscure with everyone proclaiming themselves on social media as with no-one doing so. The former condition is like dining in a trendy, noisy restaurant where one cannot hear one's own companions above the din. It's lonely in a different way.
Thanks for the insight. I am a recluse, so this kind of behavior is totally foreign to me. Interesting, as all of human experience is interesting, but not for me.
3
I'm confused about this fear of being a nobody. I don't hold that fear.
I genuinely hate social media. The internet used to be fun in college when it was just Strong Bad emails and Kazaa downloads. (I'm a millennial. Meaning I remember the good old days of the internet before the masses and corporations ruined it.) The biggest mistake I ever made was signing up for Facebook in college. Mostly because my friends asked me to and I was "Huh? What? Okay." I don't own a Twitter account.
My problem is I tried deactivating my Facebook account several times. I'm back on in about a week. Every time I think "Finally, today I will delete my Facebook account (permanently)" some family member posts photos from a big vacation or an old friend contacts me. I'd lose contact with my friends and family if I deleted my account. They don't know how to connect with people without social media.
Also, I moved way too much for work. I currently have almost no local friends as a result. And I'm single. I don't understand why I have to sacrifice so much just for a career. Just to keep it going. Why I can't make friends and family a real priority or have a say in something basic like where I live? I have to sacrifice this in excessive ways to my career too.
3
@James
Have you tried a personal phone call or an email. Arrange to meet that friend you haven't seen in a while for lunch or a cup of coffee. I get the "living only to work" thing. Have you considered examining your priorities, do you really need that extra TV in your bedroom or that new pair of Nikes or the $200 a month cable TV bill.. Simplify your life, it is hard at first but well worth while.
1
@Steve Oh, yea, I still use phone and email. What, you think because I'm a millennial I don't know what a phone call is? :-P
The problems is most people connect via texting or social media now in days. I do call my family from time to time, but that tends to be a one-way thing except with my parents and I wouldn't know they even had say a big vacation without social media or a random phone call. Many of my old friends don't have my number or live overseas, so they can only really contact me via Facebook.
The other problem is that I have old friends around the world, but almost no friends locally. I moved around too much for work. Making new friends in your 30s, especially when you are busy with work, is difficult. Also pointless if you know you might move again soon.
I have a 5-figure salary job. My life and material possessions are extremely simple. I don't have an extra bedroom, I rent a one bedroom apartment, sometimes a studio. I don't own Nikes or any luxury items. My furniture is cheap Walmart furniture I regularly sell, move, rebuy. Everything I buy I think about selling off later. Everything I own except furniture can fit into a sedan, sometimes two suitcases. I don't pay for cable, just Netflix and Hulu.
I like my job and I'm really good at it. Except for the insecurity. To change careers would be starting from scratch delay setting down in a place even further. I would have a hard time getting hired for a different job/career.
2
I believe the problem is both far deeper and far more pervasive.
The internet has taught us that our voices, experiences and thoughts are important, but the simple reality is that they are only important to the businesses -- even the NY Times -- who use them to consolidate their online presence and generate more eyeballs for those critical ad dollars.
99%+ of the commentary and public postings found online is garbage. The internet would be a far better place without all of our thoughts and photos. Including my own.
5
The article and many of the comments are glittering generalities and “more secure than thou” criticisms of social media users. “Have real friends,” we are told. Well, many of my friends are scattered over the country. Social media is a great way to stay in touch. Sure, the desire to share every thought can become an obsession. So can drinking, exercise and sex. That doesn’t mean they are inherently bad. Just keep it all in perspective.
2
Exactly. It's not as simple as quit all social media!
Another thing that millennials will never know is the joy of being unavailable. Today when a person calls you, the first thing he asks you is not "How are you?" but "Where are you?". When I was 16 years old and went out of my house by bicycle, the only way to find me was to go around the city. Now I found an application on my mobile phone that asked me if I want to share my location 24 hours a day. No thanks.
2
I think it’s good to hear from a 23 year old in the NYT editorial section, particularly in the discussion of social media. Definitely seems to be the appropriate age to comment on life in the social media trenches. Also the author is far more articulate than I was at that age.
I do feel there is little mention of the desire for controlling self narrative, which to me seems particularly salient for a young person. Although there is a discussion of “legacy”. Anyways, entertaining read.
1
Bianca, you are obviously a very bright woman. Thank you for sharing your story. I have no doubt you will have a successful, and happy life. Be well.
The photo accompanying the article reminded me I posted a video on my facebook showing the Statue of Liberty by starting at her base a slowly panning up until reaching the torch and then slowly panning down again to the base. I read this article on my iPad. I used to thrill in separating the sections of the Sunday Times and placing them in my preferred reading order.
There are articles that have been published in this paper that have received well over 1000, sometimes even 3000 comments. Would the Times editors screen and publish 1000 letters to the editor received via the U.S. Postal Service ? My facebook friends are mostly former high school classmates that live all over the country. Yes, it is true that I would not have stayed in touch without Facebook and some are trying to organize a reunion of sorts for next year !
P.S. - I graduated from high school in 1962. I do not use twitter, although I have an account.
The accompanying photo to that twitter account was taken 10 years ago at a Buddhist temple in Kuala Lumpur. I do not even remember opening the account. I can now re-order my renewable pescriptions by texting OK. I purchased a window air conditioner that was delivered to my door by pushing about 3 prompts on my iPad sitting in a chair. I just paid all my monthly expenses today while having my morning coffee. Yep, things have certainly changed ! Oh, I still go to the gym 3-4 times a week !
1
I'm a very young Gen X'er (or a very old Millennial) and I quit social media roughly a decade ago. Every time I signed into Facebook I felt bad about myself...it looked like everyone I knew was doing absolutely amazing and loving life. But, when I'd spend time with the same people in real life, I quickly realized it was all a facade. We'd be out to dinner or out at a bar and everyone kept checking their phones for updates and likes and taking dozens of pictures (of the same shot) to get the perfect one. I watched my roommate squander hours playing some farming game. That wasn't how I wanted to live my life then and it isn't now. The idea of fading into obscurity can be haunting, but it's a fate nearly all of us will face. I'd rather be an actively involved person in the lives of my family and close friends than a peripheral "somebody" to an online community. Life is too precious to spend hours a day staring at a screen.
431
You have defined what bothers me so much about social media. The fact is I don’t really care about what all my peripheral “friends” are doing. My actual friends will call or text or email, or we will get together for a meal and “catch up”. To me this obsession with social media has become such a huge time glut when precious moments could be shared with the truly important people in ones life. Life is short, get out there and live it, don’t just read or write about it!
40
@some girl
A little secret: we are all obscure, and fade into obscurity. Even famous people like Carnegie (if you never read history, you wouldn't even know the name!) We are a small planet, around a small star, in some hum-drum galaxy, with billions of life forms around us still (maybe not for long)-- I've read that the total mass of ants on the planet would be in the hundreds of tons. Welcome to real life. Your obscurity is only leavened by the friends who remember you after you die, until they die too, and we all fade away. Live your life as honestly as you can without harm, and count yourself lucky to have seen blue skies before they are gone. Write poetry that might outlast you. Or just be a just, kind person and that's enough.
90
@just someone - Amen!
7
Yesterday in a student led presentation, one of my 9th graders held up her phone and said simply, "This is my symbol. This Iphone is my life." Many others in the class nodded. "So you have a virtual life," I said. "But what about your actual life? What do you do? Where do you go? What do you think about?" "I don't, " she said. She explained that social media and Twitter drove her existence. What "they" were talking about fed her responses. She paused at that, but not for long. The bell rang and her phone pinged and she picked it up and left staring at it. I'm sad for many young people. Often their "friends" are others they barely know who "like" their posts; endless selfies do not make for introspection and thousands of tweets do not replace books. What I am left with is profound sadness when looking at the empty shells of some of their lives.
424
@Eva Lockhart..those of us "baby boomers" who remember our college days as letter-writing and phone calls only, we will start dying and eventually all be gone, similar to WW-2 vets.
Entire worlds will die with us, our diaries and whatever testimonies we've orally passed on to heirs will be all that's left.
33
@Sane Human
Thanks, Sane Human. There are times when I feel abandoned by a society that no longer has meaningful conversations, in-person socializing, or even neighborhood hang-outs. Then I reread the boxes of letters I've (luckily) saved from my youth in the 60's and 70's. The loneliness melts away as I remember the effort and commitment it took for some friend to pour out his/her thoughts to me in writing, buy a stamp, and go down to a mailbox.
65
@Eva Lockhart As a college professor, I observed that about 90% of women students and about 10% of men students had their eyes glued to their phones before reaching the door of the classroom they were leaving.
However, the conflict between the interior life of meaning and the externalization of it to achieve immortality has wracked writers forever. Petrarch is perhaps the outstanding example. But how many tweets achieve the artistry of his sonnets?
14
>>>What happens to our humanity when we relegate our real lives to props for the performance of our virtual ones?<<<
Bravo. This is the most profound and pertinent question in your well-written piece.
A disclaimer: I am a light social media user (FB only, no Insta or Twitter) and left a long IT tech career a few years ago. As much as I lament seeing social media addiction among younger people, especially, I absolutely despair when I see parents in stores and restaurants handing toddlers and babies their smartphones to keep them quiet and occupied. These little ones will never know what it's like to only be "IRL". And their addiction patterns will be entrenched early, while their brains are developing. It completely upends their gratification and stress management skills.
327
That sentence you quote is the kicker. Agreed, agreed, agreed, with the both of you.
3
@Shonun yes, this is a mass scale experiment being inflicted on children. I too despair when I see toddlers and children having their capacity for self control and coping utterly destroyed by - honestly? - idiots who care more for their own comfort than the development of their children.
10
@Robert
Totally agree. I believe the lack of empathy for others and the devisiveness we are experiencing is partially due to social media. I don't and never have done FB. It bothers me to see people on their phone everywhere and not talking to each others - even strangers. Maybe that is why people act weird when I speak to them - including strangers.
6
What has always bothered me about young people is that they don't see the point in voting because their vote 'doesn't count,' yet they believe that their non-stop tweeting is important and somehow makes a difference.
Stop tweeting, nobody really cares. Go vote, that matters.
647
@CF It's not just young people. I know plenty of middle-aged people who think their vote doesn't count.
25
@Anonymous. True but one could argue that it’s because of well-earned cynicism. Many young people don’t understand that yet. What we need from them ;and e equine, really) is hopeless optimism! Get out there and vote everyone!
3
Even worse, by twitting they legitimize Twitter, which far from an impartial forum is built and run to help the "newsworthy" loser whine and hate at all in earshot.
Twitter and Facebook and their subsites like Instagram are treasonous marketing websites—there's nothing "social" about that media, so there's nothing antisocial about leaving AND blocking them like any other ad.
8
My teen has never been into social media, perhaps because in his early years his mom was often on fb or tweeting? A form of rebellion? I don't think so. What I think is he got right away what it took Bianca a decade to learn; Social Media Is Not Real Life. He and other favorite people in my life have never been swayed by the need to share their lives online. I have happily and enthusiastically avoided facebook for years and finally got rid of twitter about 6 months ago. I know that I am better for it and my relationships with the people breathing next to me are much healthier for it.
1
Not sure if is more annoying, seeing 2 or more people on their phone sitting at a restaurant no talking to each other or listening to people complaining about having seen 2 or more people sitting at the restaurant not talking to each other.
7
Thank you for this column.
The author naturally writes of her feelings as the person who has been a regular social media user and is now seeking to withdraw from that "virtual" world.
As someone in the "real" world who has grieved the loss of many friends to the "virtual" world, I say welcome back (or a first-time welcome if you've never really been here).
There must be at least a few people in your social circles who would would love to sit down and have coffee or a meal with you for an hour without your checking their phones, or even having it on the table. Find them. I think you will find satisfying interactions with them. You might even go months or years between get-togethers with each of those individuals, but when you do, you will have true "quality time"--even perhaps some slightly awkward but entirely human moments of silence; no one will try to fill the gap by reaching for their phones. It will be a human interaction, and well worth a million "virtual" likes.
Good luck to you, and welcome to the actual world. It's wonderful!
5
Life needs to occur in a place. Twitter is not a place. It is space, similar to our thoughts in that they take place irrespective of where our bodies are planted. This detachment is the core of the problem. We lose context when we lose a sense of place, in this case, private space for pondering and reflecting, not signaling and flashing our virtues and vices like fireflies seeking mates.
4
LinkedIn is essential for professionals who want to get the visibility needed from recruiters and others for future jobs. However LinkedIn is becoming more and more like FB since Microsoft acquired it, and not in a good way.
2
@IT Guy Drives me crazy when people don't know how to use LinkedIn properly. So many people posting things just to solicit likes and visibility (like those horribly exploitative "homeless makeover" videos that no one seems to understand are exploitative!).
1
The whole process of reexamining how tied I am to material things started when I left a job that I'd had for many years and had to clean out my physical and digital office. In subsequent jobs, I've decided to make a knapsack my office and not keep anything around that I can't carry out on my back.
Now I'm trying to scale back and leave a smaller footprint in general, with social media as another aspect. It's just like paring down posessions, eating fewer things that are destructive to the environment, wasting less water, etc. I'm certainly not advocating the elimination of technology (it's what I do for work). For me, part of the process of paring down, simplifying my life and focusing on things that bring me joy and connection to other people includes looking at all of my digital assets, not just physical possessions. I'm only on one social media platform (linkedin) because it's required by my employer. I've deleted huge numbers of photo streams, videos, pictures of what I had for lunch four years ago, etc. It's wonderful to feel lighter and less tied down, I highly recommend it.
4
Have always sought obscurity. Relished it. Thankful to have a mind that works this way. Needing and not receiving recognition must be painful. Best wishes.
7
@Keith: I'm with you on that!
@Publius Thanks. "Peace comes from within...To seek is to suffer." I've found it so. Of course, suffering remains unavoidable, but need not be compounded by vain striving. Best wishes.
Social Media/I Phone is just like alcohol or drugs or TV or food. Anything, when used to excess becomes a mind numbing feeding of one's addicition rather than a real pleasure.
2
To rediscover yourself, play with pets, go for walks in a local, state, or national park, or have meaningful conversations with friends and family.
5
Academics like Jean Twenge and Jonathan Haidt have been commenting lately on the current state of affairs for the generation AFTER the millennials, Gen Z (or as Twenge calls them, iGen). Things have only gotten worse. Tethered to their devices, these kids don't date, they don't drive, they don't interact face-to-face, and they self-report unusually high rates of anxiety and depression. The boys are busy playing video games, while the girls, addicted to social media, are killing themselves in record numbers.
It gives me no pleasure to say that I'm grateful I'm old and wasn't raised in the dead zone of social media. If I were a parent right now I'd be very, very worried. What will we do?
7
I’m a college student and last Sunday I went with some friends to the local orchard. When we arrived, I grabbed a basket, eager to get picking. As we walked the rows of apple trees, I soon realized that I was one of the few people in my group actually touching any apples. I returned to campus that afternoon with a basket of fruit while many of my friends had only photos of themselves.
Soon the Instagram posts started to appear with captions like “nothing beats apple picking in the fall!”
I guess my friends paid less for our excursion than I did, because pictures are free. And they got to add an apple-picking episode to their social media narratives. But that night, I was the only one eating a freshly baked apple crumble in my college apartment.
It’s funny to think that as far as the social media community knows, my friends’ apple picking outing was more “real” than mine. Nowadays you don’t even have to pick apples to pick apples!
122
Social media is carefully designed to be addicting, particularly Facebook which runs all kinds of experiments to increase addiction. The method to addict people largely comes from that originally used to addict people to slot machines. The gambling industry learned long ago how to keep people playing. Also the higher ups in Silicon Valley have been promoting the idea of being connected as being a positive, probably without realizing all the downsides which are now very evident. They also played down the value of privacy even claiming that it no longer existed. Silicon Valley also has been promoting a view that technology can solve all problems. People really need to stop and think what the hucksters from Silicon Valley have been trying to sell and and decide for themselves whether this is really a good thing for people or a way to make fortunes that is ultimately harmful.
9
I recently quit Instagram, Facebook, etc. - for probably the third or fourth time. Why? I had a continually creeping suspicion that I was losing my sense of being not only here but anywhere, at any time.
However, I was never able to crystallize my concerns into such eloquent and thoughtful words as Ms. Brooks. Thank you for writing this. It's a dose of clarity I needed, and I actually don't feel so alone quitting most social media now.
And I hear ya, Lulu. But Rome wasn't built in a day.
5
@mytwocents When are you going to quit social media for the fifth time?
Hell, how did you quit in the first place? I feel like social media is like The Godfather. I think I'm going to quit, but then someone posts something or messages me and I get sucked back in.
14
@James I can relate. Almost every day I say to myself, "I am done with Face Book! Enough looking to see if my last post got any Likes, & how many! I am tired of feeling like a slave to this medium!" But then I see something in the news that I feel compelled to comment on & share with my FB "friends", or I take a photo I want to share...& so on. And I'm sucked back in.
1
@James
James & Pete, that is exactly why I've gone back to it several times over the last year, but it's been three months since I last escaped the Big Three cult and the more time goes by the easier it becomes to not sign up again. Figure out why you want to quit - which for me became painfully obvious when my six year old started yelling at me for not listening to her, and she was right. I had turned into the constantly online people I used to shake my head at, and it took a total exorcism to make the break. I'm much happier with my being present around her (as well as everyone else), but it wasn't easy, and like any addiction I take it day to day. In my situation, absence of constant social media does not make the heart grow fonder, but ya gotta work at it. Good luck to you both.
1
Many of the comments keep mentioning “millennials” as if they are the only ones with this sort of problem. The need for recognition is a great one, that everyone feels, perhaps even more so in the older generations than the younger ones. As when one grows older the thought “what have I really done” will pop up, along with the fear that the answer is ‘nothing’ and the need for someone to tell them otherwise. It’s not just the younger generation with that problem, its our current society as a whole. We have this amazing tool, where we can speak our minds and reach out to others. Share common interests, look at photos of our loved family members when they are too far to reach. It’s how we check to see if our new Tinder date is who they say they are. How corporations see if potential employees are worth it. It is something that is a part of our way of life now, just as phones did before that. No, the problem isn’t that it exists, or that millennials are putting so much time into it necessarily. Its as this article says, the problem is we don’t want to be a ‘nobody’. The world is huge and numbers of likes are easy to understand. Its easier to look up your granddaughters facebook page, than trying to call and deal with the anxiety and fear that she won’t pick up again. We are all afraid, is the real issue, and social media is a safe blanket. Like a small stick to poke at things from a distance, so we won’t get hurt directly when something backfires.
8
@Faith Ann: No, everyone does NOT feel the need for recognition. Thankfully. Some of us enjoy being obscure, private and left alone.
1
My mom used to say, 'just because all your friends jump off a cliff doesn't mean you have to,' and Graydon Carter once said, 'the world's greatest asset is unavailability.'
Billions of people are on social media, competing for fame, comparing their lives, wasting precious time. Be the one who isn't, and won't that make your life so much more fascinating?
20
A few weeks ago I finally deleted a Facebook profile I rarely used. I tried other sites over the years only to find myself overwhelmed with status updates, likes, hashtags, etc. I realized that I had no interest anymore but for some, social media is part of who they are and to each his own. As I get older, I enjoy the quiet moments and conversation with others. I also remember the words of the late Lorraine Hansberry, "never be afraid to sit awhile and think".
12
Yes.
These words, from one Millennial to another, are refreshing.
I sit at the breakfast table in my college house - an intentional living community - surrounded by others. But there is only silence; our phones building walls between us.
I want that to change.
43
@Mackenzie Miller YES! That's the whole problem. Even if we deleted our social media and looked up from our phones, everyone else is still glued to the black mirror babysitter.
4
Social media forces people to sanitize and market our lives. It also controls our behavior for creating popular posts by rewarding us with likes.
Leaving social media is not just about privacy or giving up a legacy. It is about regaining control of our psyches from a capitalistic machine that both exploits and, through intentional psychological manipulation, shapes the self.
36
Comment sections are a kin to social media.
It’s funny that pretty much everyone here says they quit social media, but here they are, posting comments, liking other people’s comments and probably checking to see how many people liked or responded to what they’ve said.
18
@LuLu Not necessarily the same. I look at the comments as feedback to the reporter. A story that omits an important aspect or gets something wrong is going to be corrected by reader's comments.
3
I don't notice many people here discussing where they partied last night, what they had for breakfast, or what wonderful, glorious vacation they're taking next week, or posting "selfies" taken during said vacation. "Social media" is a misnomer for "me media."
2
@LuLu: Touche'
1
I encourage folks to look for ways to build community or be in community in the place you live or work.
There are so many creative ways to accomplish community.
For example:
For the second time my partner and I hosted a neighborhood Carport Karaoke. We set up a DIY karaoke in our driveway, invited friends and put a sandwich board on the street announcing the time. It was a small gathering of friends and strangers singing along to a variety of music. I saw one smartphone out. Mostly we were all present in the experience.
And local organizations are often in need of volunteers. Cleaning a trail, reading to a kid, sitting with an elder are a few ways to connect and have purpose.
Just simply being present in quiet is also a valuable use of time.
The expressions of gratitude will more than replace the like icon.
11
@Katchup fantastic ideas! I especially love the carport karaoke.
Older generations who have spent so much of their lives sitting on their bums watching television like to criticize the younger generation for spending so much time on social media.
At least social media gives people a voice and a feeling of participation rather than just sitting and consuming in one direction.
7
@Aaron Hmm...I'm 51, so I don't know if I'm in one of those "older generations" or if only my parents are. But I can happily tell you that neither my parents, nor any of their or my friends, were sitting on our bums before social media came along. I now feel very fortunate that I know how to enjoy a middle ground between participating in social media and retaining privacy and relationships offline. Sure, too many people of many generations have spent too much time in front of the TV, but I strongly suspect there are passive spectators in all age groups. The members of the "older generation" in their 80s (my parents' age) who I know are more socially engaged away from the TV and other media than anyone I know.
5
@Aaron Hmm...I'm 51, so I don't know if I'm in one of those "older generations" or if only my parents are. But I can happily tell you that neither my parents, nor any of their or my friends, were sitting on our bums before social media came along. I now feel very fortunate that I know how to enjoy a middle ground between participating in social media and retaining privacy and relationships offline. Sure, too many people of many generations have spent too much time in front of the TV, but I strongly suspect there are passive spectators in all age groups. The members of the "older generation" in their 80s (my parents' age) who I know are more socially engaged away from the TV and other media than anyone I know.
@Aaron Hmm...I'm 51, so I don't know if I'm in one of those "older generations" or if only my parents are (I suspect the former). But I can happily tell you that neither my parents, nor any of their or my friends, were sitting on our bums before social media came along. I now feel very fortunate that I know how to enjoy a middle ground between participating in social media and retaining privacy and relationships offline. Sure, too many people of many generations have spent too much time in front of the TV, but I strongly suspect there are passive spectators in all age groups. The members of the "older generation" in their 80s who I know, including my parents, are more socially engaged away from the TV and other media than anyone I know.
1
Social media or as I call it antisocial media may fill one’s existential vacuum but probably not permanently or totally for everyone
Good for those who thrive using it and sad for those who come to realize how it’s just another time consuming distraction created by “well meaning” inventors that’s become weaponized by some entity to invade privacy and make money.
Although the recent example of the beer philanthropist who collected $1M by going viral then donating the money to a children’s hospital is instructive. His high school racist tweets discovered by a journalist who himself was revealed to have a racist online persona has brought accountability into their lives.
Good for society bad for them.
It’s too soon to judge whether this form of personal expression is good or harmful But like most things in life the answer will probably be - it depends.
2
I got off Facebook several years ago and am much happier for it. It was initially addicting to reconnect with people I hadn't seen for decades, but then the whole misuse of "friend" as both verb and noun began to disturb me. Additionally, I wearied of reading what people had for breakfast.
15
I am a retired teacher who quit Facebook several years ago. My life is quiet, but rich. I feel like I have come home to myself, and I feel a profound peace, even within this era of instability.
During my tenure as a teacher, I was witness to the rise of social media and the impact it had on adolescent lives. The sense of wonder and curiosity about the natural world was lost, and replaced with obsession about the self.
No wonder that what followed was intense angst, stress, and depression. Chronic addiction to their phones. It was like this invisible demon had invaded my classroom.
Writing a post to all your “friends” is not the same as communicating directly, one on one, with a friend. I have found out who my “real” friends are. It has been both painful and liberating.
32
@Veny I noticed you are from Iceland. I was there several times and it seemed like everyone there (aside from the tourists) were not really on their phones. It sounds like social media still had a negative impact there.
I taught in the U.S.
As far as I can tell, Icelanders are not on their phones like Americans are. When in a cafe, they sit and talk to each other.
Thank you so much. It saddens me to go to a restaurant and watch 5 people sitting at a table, none of whom are talking to each other, or even just sitting in silence (which is okay too) but rather intently staring and clicking into their phones. I hope what you've learned and written will induce some of those people to put their devices down and smell the roses.
23
A part of it could be your life in Harlem wasn’t as awesome as you’d like it to be. Social media shows people around the world living an exponentially better life than your average Manhattanite. It’s not hard to beat New York City on a cool scale or quality of daily life and I bet that frustrates a lot of New Yorkers who think they live in the center of the universe.
5
I quit Facebook ten years ago. I signed on because we'd just had our first baby and I thought it was a great way to share pics of her progress. But then I noticed how I was oversharing. And checking my page dozens of times a day. And suddenly hearing from people that I hadn't heard from in decades, who would friend me and disappear again. And reading all these posts about how seemingly great other peoples' lives were, but never hearing about the challenging bits.
So, after nine months of that, I killed my account and haven't looked back. Something in me at the time recognized that this thing was not healthy or real. I've always believed that social media is just a new toy that we're transfixed by for the moment, but people will discover that it's a poor substitute for real human interaction. Thank you for writing this piece. It gives me hope that not everyone has been hypnotized.
37
@Gig "suddenly hearing from people that I hadn't heard from in decades, who would friend me and disappear " you've hit the nail on the head. Does this show us how to make people more disposable than ever? I have to say, it's marvelous to have a quick interaction like this through comments - miles apart, and it still amazes me what technology has brought us. I guess it's about not investing too much time and attention into something that could feel counterfeit, if time in the real world with real people is not in balance. I spent hours wandering around taking pictures of trees and water with my friend, John, Saturday. That's the highest, best use of my time, I think. Maybe I savour it even more because I have felt such isolation through over-reliance on internet, over the past decade or so.
11
All that twittering has helped this writer become interesting and readable. Her theme is connecting with other people and the world in general. While it is a truism that loving relationships are fundamental to human nature, as is connecting to a wider circle of people, there's remains much to say about solitude, that is, the solitude we return to after all that connecting; a comforting solitude that includes peace of mind and satisfaction in one's own company. The path to this tranquil inner life includes meditation, or for some prayer, a forgiving attitude towards one's missteps, and perseverance in becoming a better person. I believe at the core of human growth lies a quest for self-knowledge and self-acceptance, if not love.
6
Used judiciously to augment personal relationships that exist in real life, I used to believe that social media could be a positive addition to one’s life, but in my experience, it rarely worked out that way. I don’t know exactly what it is about social media that works at cross purposes to an authentic life, but it made me feel like a sad shadow of my true self.
24
Very nicely written and thoughtful. It awoke me to an awareness of a problem I didn’t even know existed and caused me to see The Juggernauts that now control us - Facebook, YouTube, and Amazon underpinned by Microsoft and Apple. We have convenience, information exchange, and abject servitude all rolled into one.
10
Thank you for writing these observations. I quit all social media (3 years ago) in the hopes of finding the real meaning of my life as opposed to likes and shares by followers. The social media scene is so shallow no matter how many "followers" one has; they are following, not walking beside you, not talking WITH you. I have learned to be alone by myself and, I can be quite entertained by the songs of birds, the howl of the wind, the movement of the clouds and seasons. I have found so many other activities to participate in that don't require clutching a cell phone or being connected to any gadget. Best of all, I have real, in-person conversations with those who really matter to me.
16
We are all nobodies. Even the famous, notorious ones. Not even microscopic ants, in the universe. Social media will never change that. It will only make you less of a person than you were before you started. Congratulations on your decision. Glad to have you back.
41
What I find most depressing about this article is that Miss Brooks's twitter followers would actually be upset that she left the platform. They have nothing better to do that wait for the next tweet from her. Very Sad.
But I suspect, like celebrity junkies of movie stars during the 1930s and 1940s or rock musician and hip hop groupies, they will move on.
Like addicts moving from an unavailable drug to one that is available. What a life or lack of one.
4
Hmmmm...this is the pivotal paragraph here:
"Perhaps at the root of this anxiety over being forgotten is an urgent question of how one ought to form a legacy; with the rise of automation, a widening wealth gap and an unstable political climate, it is easy to feel unimportant. It is almost as if the world is too big and we are much too small to excel in it in any meaningful way."
This notion of leaving a legacy is a clear sign of how solipsistic and self-absorbed we millennials have become in comparison to previous generations. The baby boomers opened up the cultural space for this narcissism and navel-gazing--the 1970s were not dubbed the "Me, Me, Me Decade" for nothing. But we millennials have advanced the navel-gazing to a certain apotheosis.
This anxiety about leaving a legacy did not trouble past generations. They went about their business; they didn't need to blare their work or their life evolution to the world. They were content with "cultivating their own garden," as Voltaire stated at the end of "Candide." Strong feelings of religiosity also helped to temper this immense solipsism, as was the fact that every day life required one to subsume the self in service of others--the family, the church, the community.
I'm not religious in the least. But I do admire most religions for forcing people to look outside themselves, forcing them to be community oriented. As a social species that is what, we humans, need the most of--community. Legacy and importance is not.
185
It most certainly did trouble past generations, and our desire to leave a legacy is how your generation came to exist.
26
@Luboman411
I would say that a legacy is one of the few "consolation prizes" to the vast majority of people who don't really have the life they want.
In more spiritual times it was the promise of some sort of reward after death, "To be reasonably happy in this life and completely happy in the next", to paraphrase a Catholic prayer.
Until about 20-30 years ago it was material benefits, either to the person or to their children.
Now that we don't have spiritual consolation or delayed gratification benefits, the only thing that's left is one's legacy.
So it goes.
6
@Luboman411
"This anxiety about leaving a legacy did not trouble past generations. They went about their business; they didn't need to blare their work or their life evolution to the world."
I appreciate your comments about our need for community, but it seems to me that you make no allowance for the possibility that our current selfishness might well be a function of our living standards. Doing so, you then retroject our modern psychology into the past, compare it, and fall into a form of "noble savage" fallacy.
If past generations were not concerned with legacy, why do we have hieroglyphic steles or simply ancient graffiti that say nothing more than "Kilroy was here"?
For the common people (99.9% of the population) even if they WERE self-absorbed, how could we possibly know it? Maybe instead of being content to cultivate their own garden, they were too busy cultivating their landlord's to have the energy to be concerned with legacy.
Voltaire's quote is lovely, but there was generation behind him that I wouldn't exactly call "content".
8
Yay! I was addicted to Facebook, having been an early adopter. Partly, the accelerating doom from events like Dakota Pipeline debacle and Trump's swampy emergence helped propel me away. I cut the cord two years ago. You know, I don't even own a cellphone, and sometimes, 30-somethings solemnly look at me and say 'you're lucky'. I love, love my laptop, and I'm a bit too newsy, but otherwise, give me the real face-to-face every day. I'm very much enjoying life outside of the matrix!
14
Let's face it. Facebook, Twitter and all the others of their kind exist for one reason: to make their owners a lot of money. The more users they can get hooked on their products, the more money they get from the advertisers. Whatever else happens does not really figure into their calculations.
9
For some people, the major part of their vacation, is to tell everybody about it via Facebook.
I knew a couple who bragged about their Italian trip.
About four years later, and not having a major vacation since, they published "Memories of Italy" on Facebook.
All this silliness shows that people are wrapped up in their egos, and not caring what others are reporting.
It's quite one-sided, and they don't know it.
17
What’s even worse is when they don’t know how to bundle all their photos into an album to share in one post, so you get multiple successive posts, each with one photo. This happened with family members who were “insulted” when younger relatives offered to show them how to create one post with a slide show. My solution: unfollow or
mute everyone and use FB only for work.
1
The truth is that there is nothing "social" in the social media. Social media increases loneliness. You are alone among others. You can only share what is not worth sharing.
15
I guess I've been a nobody my whole life then. With minimal to no use of social media, my job as an addiction counselor, my accomplishment of saving my brother from drowning, my spiritual breakthroughs of having an out-of-body experience, and my touching God through meditation have been utterly worthless and not worth commenting on. How could I have been so blind?
11
Too bad you didn’t share any pictures of meals you ate in restaurants. Much more meaningful (I’m joking).
2
@John- Um, you just DID comment on them... ;-)
1
I was an eager adopter of Twitter, but since deleting it my stress levels have plummeted and my life is noticeably better. Social media companies make money through the time you spend engaging with their sites, and anger is the easiest emotion to stimulate and keep you addicted.
Facebook and Twitter are engines of rage, designed to create angry mobs around whatever outrage of the day their algorithms have bubbled up. They are having a profoundly negative impact on individual mental health and on how democratic societies function. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one withdrawing from them.
15
I made the decision decades ago that my legacy to this world would be a pretty simple one, trees. We had a home in Vermont that was surrounded by massive pine trees planted decades ago by, the town gossip goes, two French Canadian brothers. Every day when I walked under those trees I silently thanked and acknowledged those brothers and their trees. My hope, my wish is for some future, not yet born, human whispers a prayer and acknowledgement while enjoying the shade of those tiny saplings I've planted. These trees will last longer and do more good than any social media post I could have imagined.
88
@Paul Fontaine
Do you grow them from seeds or do you get seedlings? I also want to start growing trees
1
@Mariah
Mostly saplings, although I also pick up seeds and acorns when I'm in the woods and plant them in other areas needing some shade. Most probably get eaten by squirrels, but maybe one or two have grown into a tree.
1
I dropped off all social media almost two years ago amid growing concerns about privacy and the underside of social media, especially as revelations about Cambridge Analytica and FB and the sinister role they played in our 2016 elections rose to the surface. I thought it a tipping point and perhaps millions would follow; I thought surely many would find this trade off untenable. Alas, it’s been a pretty lonely protest. But perhaps like you, more and more people will shun virtual life for real life. It’s a beautiful thing, no regrets.
15
I left social media several years ago, and, other than a sense of freedom regained, I’m saddened by how narcissistic it made me and everybody else.
12
Good for you. I am of an older generation and I prize my privacy. I don't wish to share my every thought and waking moment with strangers. I want to share my life with those in my circle of friends and family. I don't think that numerous followers on social media is a real measure of one's worth in life. Being a decent human being is.
Social media's power is that it feeds a certain kind of narcissism. You imagine that everything you say and so is interesting to others. You don't really do much other than look at a screen much of the day, adding posts to your pages and posting on others. Social media feeds the famous for being famous mentality that began with Paris Hilton and the Kardashians. It encourages young people not to want to accomplish anything that leads to fame like achievement in the arts or science or political activism or talent in a profession or craft, but just be famous without any effort other than self-promotion. It is an empty kind of fame, just as gathering followers is an empty kind of connection that does not compare with real human interaction. I will never understand texting someone who is across the room rather than speaking to them.
Live your life. Engage with others. Enjoy what is real. Share your life with those who actually care about you. And yes, maintain your privacy.
17
Two bits of science to recall:
1) All those "likes" and "shares" and hearts and such quite literally give our evolved brains a buzz, a tiny jolt of endocrines that lights us up. To wit, "researchers at Harvard University learned through the study that the act of disclosing information about oneself activates the same part of the brain that is associated with the sensation of pleasure, the same pleasure that we get from eating food, getting money or having even having sex." We are, in other words, the proverbial rats pushing a lever for cocaine ... at the expense of food, water and far more important things.
2) In evolutionary anthropology there is a concept called Dunbar's Number, the upper limit — around 150, though others have proposed numbers somewhat higher or lower — of actual human relationships the average human brain can maintain, thanks to evolution. Says Robin Dunbar, originator of the concept, "This (number) looked implausibly small, given that we all live in cities now, but it turned out that this was the size of a typical community in hunter-gatherer societies. And the average village size in the Domesday Book is 150 (people)."
Regarding 1) above: the social media companies thrive on this.
Regarding 2) above: This explains why all those vaunted "friends" online are really not.
Lanier is on to something when he urges us to quit social media. At a minimum, remove the apps from your mobile phone, and minimize your use of them elsewhere. You'll be happier.
16
could not agree more. There is an argument to be made that Facebook is like the Matrix. Zuckerberg is the Architecht and Sandberg is all 3 Mr. Smiths.
But you only realize how much better life is once you are off it. This article is spot on. There are many reasons why, but for every why there is only one is, and leaving social media will enable you to find it.
12
First day of 8th grade this year, my 13 year old daughter through tears exclaims to me how she wishes Instagram never existed. This from a child who has not been allowed a social media presence because we felt she was too young. Her dilemma she explains is at only 13 she is already too far behind the rest of her peers in amassing followers. Children have been building their “fan base” since middle school. She laments that at school dances and at lunch she doesn’t have a social media app that she can disappear into when feeling socially awkward. I tell her social media is not a replacement for real connections. I tell her it’s a facade, a lie. And I hug her and tell her I agree, I wish Instagram never existed. Tech companies have purposely unleashed an addictive device that is having a negative impact on our children’s developing minds and self esteem. Social media has a BIG role to play in the rising rates of depression, suicide, cyber bulling, feelings of alienation and anxiety among our youth.
115
@DF I feel like I just read my future. My 11-year-old daughter the other day asked me what Instagram is. Sigh.
5
@DF
My heart breaks for your daughter. I hope she can find another peer who is also brave enough to be an individual who goes their own way. She is lucky to have you as a parent. and I hope she finds her way through her school years with her self esteem intact.
19
Solution to feeling awkward at school social events is to volunteer and be “too busy” with tasks to feel left out. A very healthy crutch I employed successfully through middle school and part of high school. It pays to be a nerd!
6
I appreciate this honest reckoning. I'm 52 and NY Times comments is the only social media I do (is this even social media?). I have been wondering when millennials would start having these awakenings. Millennials are starting to feel the void created when one has not devoted time to cultivating real human everyday relationships. The 20s and 30s can be a tough time, when you start to ask the question "is this all there is?" and realize you need to put something more in your life. For me, then, I had to push aside my obsession with career and get a life. Now for millennials, they have to see that "getting likes" and "being retweeted" is not having a life. I am sort of relieved to see this piece to see the same things remain important, that the internet has not indelibly changed human needs and desires. Life is still lurking there when you put the iphone down.
174
I ditched Twitter when it became a Trump-infested, um, dunghole (as he might call it, if he were in a good mood). Facebook, however, has become the default, and often the only, way that real-life events are announced -- concerts, festivals, political meetings, you name it. So "delete Facebook" means missing events. But I unfollow nearly all my friends, don't post much, and generally use it mostly to find out about things I might want to attend (in person).
5
Dear Bianca,
The only mistake you made was in believing and investing in a cyber life in the first place as a medium to build and maintain meaningful relationships....
Good morning.... it isn't.
4
I joined Facebook in 2006 at the invitation of younger colleagues who wanted to stay in touch. Over time, I grew to spend way too much time on it, and suspended my account several times. After the 2016 campaign, during which I observed otherwise reasonable friends believing ridiculous, lying memes about Hillary Clinton, I quit cold turkey. Best decision ever. I’ve never regretted it.
12
People are isolated, lonely and anxious. Social media is a tempting way to fill that space, but as the author discovered, it's a poor substitute for true companionship and community.
12
I've left Facebook and Twitter behind and have never regretted it.
7
I retired from a long career in IT (to highlight that I'm not techno-phobic) and avoid - and have avoided - all social media (except email or the occasional posting of comments here [if that is even considered social media]). Total waste of time (years ago I tried FB and some other sites very briefly just to understand how they worked. Hated them.)
9
I think we tend to think what is good for ourselves is good for everyone. I am a "senior" and I have a facebook account, and I see many people from my past benefiting from it. They post their artwork, they rant about you-know-who, they share important issues, they show off their recipe creations and their newest family members---Maybe I am lucky to have some fun "friends", being originally from NYC, but addiction is all what you make it to be---Yes, one must put up with the annoyances also, but I like to tune in once in a while to peek into what people choose to make public.
The internet is a double edged sword. Maybe Ms. Brooks will understand the nuances of the different variables involved as her time goes by, but I do see how all of it can just get too overwhelmingly expected and motor-generated for the younger generation now. I personally take breaks from facebook. I have to, but it's nice to go back. I would feel a void if all of a sudden everyone just vanished, which I suppose is part of the problem. Once it's there, it's there in your soul.
4
Welcome back to the real world, Bianca.
Social media is a mirage that, upon investigation, dissolves.
There is something infinitely more enjoyable. It is available to everyone in the world whether you are connected digitally or not.
It is you.
The best you is the you prior to thinking.
Wow.
8
Yeah, yeah. Obviously, it was necessary to share your new-found skepticism about incessant sharing. I have already forgotten what you shared as what I am now sharing will also be forgotten by many others. The key, as in so many areas, is moderation in communicating while seeking to remain a private person.
1
When I was a "practicing" alcoholic, I was certain that everyone drank. Now, thirty years sober, I see that a surprising number don't drink, or only do so with careful moderation. And--amazing, isn't it?--they seem to be doing fine without booze. A huge lesson for those in recovery.
So social media. I don't do any of the social media platforms, but everywhere I look I see people, nose-to-phone, exchanging their latest activity or meal or feeling. And every now and then, someone like Bianca Brooks lifts her face from the screen and discovers that--WHOA!--I don't really need SM to discover who I am. Would you believe there's a world out there?
Take a lesson from the recovery community. You're OK. The world's OK. No one cares much about what you had for lunch.
29
Being a social media nobody is highly underrated. You get more time to watch the deer in the yard, play with or just snuggle the dog and ride your bike around after the multitude of tasks your every day life requires. You don't run the risk of being horror stricken when someone in your circle posts something ignorant (Cleave if only I'd left Facebook sooner!) and you are not helping the Russian bots get inept leaders into power. I did open another Facebook account so I could go on the local trash to treasures site but I won't be posting political views or any personal info there. I love being a social media nobody.
12
I don't miss Facebook and I never was on Twitter. I found myself becoming a digital narcissist in a country led by a narcissist. I recently spent a week in the wilderness, solo, and it was wonderful, especially the quiet. I don't believe in using "should" in the second person, but separating ourselves from nature and solitude might be harmful to our health.
25
A friend and I were just discussing recently how glad we are that smartphones and social media, as we know it today, didn't exist when we were college in the mid 2000s.
Social media would've made life exhausting.
16
There is freedom in "forgetting" your phone at home every once in a while.
8
@Anthony. So true- I never take it with me when I’m out socially, I only carry it during working hours. It’s great to never have to check its off before musical events, etc
1
As a mother of a nearly 12 year old, I fight every day to convince my daughter of the value of living in the "real world," while all around her, peers are creating and occupying their times in well-curated worlds that only serve to induce anxiety in the rest of the observers whose lives "look" different. The playing fields have never been level, but the perception that things are vastly and obviously different, and most definitely better in other people's worlds are driving children to horrible conclusions about their own existences. My child frequently experiences the great outdoors (by force, of course). While in it together, we are connected and present and life feels meaningful, tangible, touchable. When it's over we argue about when I will allow social media, and why I am so strict. Some times, occasionally, I think she "gets it." She catalogues the time her friends have spent with their heads down, and appreciates the time she has had her head up, looking at the space her body occupies, and appreciating the air she breathes. How can we expect this generation to want to help to save the world if they don't live in it? Parents, please make your kids put down their devices. Help them, and mine live full, genuine lives.
64
@Marieo "How can we expect this generation to want to help to save the world if they don't live in it?"
You read my mind. I discuss every day with my 11-year-old son. Sometimes I would like the internet not to work simultaneously, all over the world, at least for a week. No PS4, no YouTube, no WA. Nothing. So the real world could emerge, at least for a week, from the fog of the internet. Our children live in the era of "digito ergo sum". Maybe we, as parents, can only set a good example, that is to say stop treating technologies as an extension of our body.
10
I deleted Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter nearly two years ago and have not missed them even for a second.
These platforms are not all bad, but they have many more negatives than positives.
21
I’m not dismissing online social interactions, but I believe that people still need to interact face-to-face. One of most unselfish things that you can do for another person is to give them your full and undivided attention when they are talking. That is how you make someone feel that they matter, and to be a good listener is a rare quality in a world where most of us are desperate to be heard.
14
I remember family gatherings where someone would always be filming the goings on with the latest movie camera, and often in those days, bright lights. The camera operator removed himself from the party and viewed it through the lens, missing out on most of the fun.
Same today, people walking on the street, sitting down to eat with family or friends, sitting on the bus, at the gym, wherever you go, they're staring at a post card of glass and metal that prevents them from joining the party. I guess they're spreading the news to their hangers on, but there isn't that much to report if you are staring at the screen all the time.
Twitter is like that. there is not much there, but the utterings of the self absorbed crying "look what I can say!".
The tweets of the trumpian presidency are a good argument for shutting the whole thing down as cruel and unusual.
20
Our society has created the belief that blending our own created world of fantasy and reality is in our own control through social media. We brand ourselves. We don't communicate to people, but we advertise ourselves through highly edited, self created illusions. We become trapped in our own product, and as a result, lose ourselves while perpetuating our own image. We are better than this. I walked away from Facebook a year ago, and I don't miss it for a second. As far as Twitter and the others, I never got on them in the first place, so they weren't an issue. I've found email, and direct communication with another person to be far more rewarding. I write letters on email -remember letters? I enjoy a human voice at the other end of a telephone. I like looking around at the neighborhood while I take a walk. If the phone rings while I'm in the car, I let it ring. After all, it will record messages and then I'll call them back when I'm not on a busy city street. True my 200 "friends" don't get photos, birthday greetings, or the experience of having me announce something, but so what? If I really want someone to see those things, I'll mail a birthday card, or email some photos. I still communicate on a regular basis with everyone who really knows me. Yes, it's a smaller group of people, but, frankly, I don't need to hear about every detail in the lives of people I barely know, and they don't need to experience my life on a day to day basis. I have privacy. I have peace of mind.
21
Well said. Amen.
1
Social media sites are the loneliest places on earth. Anonymous sites are places to vent and to find how others are reacting to he news of the day.
6
I joined social media about 3 years ago and then quit about 2 years later. I do not miss it nor does it miss me.
I am reminded of a beautiful sunset on a crowded beach: the phone cameras are whipped out all over the place as myriads of people race to capture for eternity the awesome spectacle. But in doing so, it seems to me that no one takes the time to appreciate the moment.
"Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present."
-Bil Keane
16
Anyone notice the irony of posting about letting go of social media in the Comments section? To my mind, comments are thinly disguised tweets. I imagine they are gobbled up by Big Data as eagerly as any Facebook post.
Carry on.
12
@Nancy A
Yes, I know what you mean. And I admit to having succumbed to the temptation to the 3 line snarky comment from time to time.
My personal defense against this is to approach commenting, particularly here on the NYT site, as my opportunity to be a Times columnist. I strive to be clear, deferential, but accurate and as insightful as I can. I try to apply all of the writing stuff I learned in undergrad.
Given the relative lack of recommendations I get (I'm probably too deferential and way to centrist!) The Times would probably have put me out to pasture long ago, but it's still my measuring stick. Any time a person gets the opportunity to put their words into public view, it's worth stepping back and saying, "Is that the best I can do?" I've erased many a comment after coming to the conclusion that, no, it's not!
9
@Nancy A It does become part of a profile about who you are through the eyes of Google/Facebook.
Best thing to do is to post reasonably moderate things...and try to take the opposite position on some issues just for sport..and to confuse their algorithms.
Just as in life, you should be wise enough and intelligent enough to make an argument on either side of an issue by using fact and reason.
Things go awry once you let passion lead the brain. At that point...you're part of the problem; not part of the solution.
@Nancy A: Touché.
Social media attention is ephemeral and fades to black or the next story ever day. Posting a lot participates in a vast churn, most won’t see what is posted, and it’s irrelevant by next day anyway. We’re not building a body of work or a legacy to remember with social media as it all disappears like a grain of sand into a vast beach of content. It’s more for providing free content for the platform to keep moving and fulfill its profitable business model that shares our data with advertisers. Too, With everyone self promoting constantly it eventually turns into a dog chasing its own tail. Aside from the matter that popularity ephemeral as it is does not equate with quality, even those who successfully monetize their online lives are holding on to the rapidly moving accelerating rocket by their fingernails. The moment you let go you are swept away and left behind the next new thing. Maybe some new idea for sharing ourselves will come up that tames the torrent eventually, but we don’t have it yet. How will all this look five years from now?
6
I was on social media for almost 10 years. Half of that reluctantly as a struggled with remaining on Facebook, it's platform of obvious and worsening ethical and privacy faux pas gnawing at me. Finally I left 2 1/2 years ago, unable to justify it's utility against the litany of problems I saw in the news and experienced in using it daily.
What I find most frustrating about having left social media is that many friends, businesses and other people I would like to communicate with only do so through Facebook. I no longer find out about friends events because I'm not on that platform, never mind the constant notices from events and businesses I had connected with, reminding me that something I might be interested in was coming up. These same people can't be bothered to make the effort to stay in touch so I'm either left to initiate all the calls and texts and emails or I simply don't hear from them any more. Equally annoying is that events that I do find out about often don't have any other way to engage other participants but through social media, so I'm often left ill-informed and left out.
The up side to all this is that I know full well the people who are actually interested in spending time with me, because they're the ones making an effort to stay in touch and engage me in activities. It must also be said that I'm fairly introverted and enjoy my solitude. Leaving social media has brought me more mental peace than I can remember in a long time.
31
@Marc Bee They'll eventually come back to you, but when you leave Corporate Social Media, you are the one who's chosen a different path.
Thus, it's incumbent upon you to do more outreach by phone, text, email, etc.. with those people you consider to be friends.
You can tell them you've opted for a life of less drama, and I'm betting 1/2 of them were just looking for a reason to do the same.
8
@Erica Smythe
I've often chosen the path less traveled. It's in my DNA. I've grown accustomed to solitude and if that's how much of my life will be going forward, so be it. Thanks for responding. :-)
I think the article author brings up some valid points and thoughts that people of all ages on social media struggle with. My personal opinion is it's the double-edged sword of fame. Decades ago only movies stars and a few politicians were famous. Today we are all famous on social media. Some on social media are more of a celeb than others but we all have our fans and followers of our every post about life. All of society is learning what movie stars tried to tell everyone decades ago...fame is stressful.
Apparently, I have never existed. I have been quite - nenevermind; it's a beautiful morning.
20
Beautiful truth here, thank you.
I got myself on FB a little over a year ago, and it was fun at first, making contact with so many old acquaintances, which there are superficially defined as friends.
In no time you find yourself caught up in the commenting, in registering your opinions, in expressing outrage, correcting bias, feeling disbelief and dismay, and wishing a simple happy birthday to those old acquaintances of which you never in your life knew or cared about their date of birth.
Your point concerning fear of meaninglessness, of being forgotten is so very true.
We have cheapened social interchange and turned it into another commodity.
Once upon a time it was considered bad manners to talk politics in a social gathering. Now we are slapping each other in the face with it every day via FB.
No wonder we are so divided by opinion.
On FB everybody ends up preaching to their own choir,
after everybody blocks the disagreeable repetitive postings of those "friends" with which we do not see eye-to-eye anyway, only screen to screen.
You have found another reader. Thanks again.
28
@Bruce Some seniors do benefit from facebook. Hey, we really have only a couple of good friends in our lives---there is no way we can expect this from everyone on social media, but it's still nice to look in on these "superficial friends". If I wanted any more from them, then it's my problem, not theirs, or facebook's. I feel bad that almost 100% of these comments are from people who are just down on it all----obviously there is too much expectation, or just a basic " who cares about these people anyway" attitude from either having too many "friends" or not enough.
3
@Bruce True that.
If you're unwilling to say something to someone's face, you shouldn't be saying it on social media or in comment sections of major publications.
The English language is powerful thing when coupled with the unique ability for homo sapiens to actually think before pushing keys on a keyboard.
We should use it more often. Twitter doesn't help, but Twitter also doesn't count. If you dare step one level below an original tweet..you've entered the sewer of the internet and the demons that lurk there are depressing to read. You can go to Twitchy (or it's liberal counterpart) to see the satire, mocking and stupidity displayed on Twitter..or you can go to The Onion or Babylon Bee to see satire.
We need more humor in our lives and right now Corporate Media has merged with one of the major political parties thinking there are more clicks/views by showcasing daily drama and intrigue..vs. sticking to their constitutional charter..which is be an objective unbiased media and report facts..and let people decide what those facts mean. Once the media makes up their own facts...the end is near.
3
It was sexist, and I was raised in a puritan New England family 50 years ago, but there was definitely something to be said for the idea that a lady is only in the news three times in her life: birth, marriage and death. Not to be in the news the rest of the time meant no scandal, no moral lapses, no crimes; most news is bad news because that's what sells. I don't need to book face. You'll know me by my lack of attention.
12
I think everyone feels like a nobody at one time or another. When I was younger, I worked as a Playboy Bunny and also as a model, and so I came into contact with a lot of beautiful women. Every one of them thought they were ugly. Her jawline wasn't strong enough, her nose was slightly tilted...etc." Mostly they all felt like imposters. A few years ago, my 28 year old nephew went to Firefly and when he came back he told me there was "an old guy onstage, and he was pretty good." The old guy was Paul McCartney. Fame fades, beauty is part illusion, images die. People forget you. Social media "likes," tweets, and re-tweets, conflate importance and meaning with popularity. It's easy to do in a two dimensional world, where nothing can be touched, nothing can be directly experienced. It's easy to do when the media (including the NY Times),keeps grinding out celebrity stories and worshipful articles to make us all feel worse about ourselves. Why? Because it sells, and just like in other forms of government, it's done to make us not trust our own inner truths and instead always rely on "the other" to know what's best for us. Capitalism and the frenzy it inspires in us, (and let's face it, social media is a form of collective frenzy,), is rooted in making sure the majority of us have low self esteem.
94
You are correct and very astute! Thank you for thinking clearly, and for the Anais Nin!
My 27-yr son talked about this yesterday. We have both deleted our FB accounts a while ago and shared our feelings of being more connected to those closest to us, plus the reduction in anxiety. Life is waaaaay better w/o social media.
Because social media has become something else. It forces vanity upon us. It reduces clarity of thought. It subjugates us to a corporate business plan. It divides us, obviously, against our better judgement.
You are wise to withdraw so you can focus on what’s important to you, instead of what’s important to others. To be assertive in your own right, rather than allowing the website to coral and direct you.
Write your best stuff now! Thank you.
33
In reading the comments, it appears that many who thrive in the various realms of social media do know they are missing out on something. Many are okay with that, but I worry about those who have no life other than the one they lead. There are those who chose to be social media free, and as a result they are often themselves are "forgotten". In my own family, my elderly parents are often out of the loop about happenings in the family, and I often sit quietly looking at the sunset or birds in the bird bath while my wife works to keep updated and informed with her 3 social media accounts alone in realms far removed from the here and now.
15
@Jon I haven't logged into my Facebook account in several years. I'm among that sizable percentage of users who find FB depressing, and I disliked learning that people I liked and respected were racist / gullible / republicans.
I've been left out of some friends' life events and my social circle has become smaller. Turns out I'm OK with that.
5
You worry about “those who have no life other than the one they lead?” So, in other words, You worry about people who have a life rooted in reality vs fantasy.
2
A friend of mine from Florida searched for ballet tickets far away on the west coast the other day, while in my Ohio home and on his own laptop. He found what he wanted and emailed the results to me. An ad for the same ballet company -- I have never searched for ballet tickets in my life -- showed up on my FB account the next day.
33
@Ken
Yep, and it's not just FB. I became wary when made a purchase at an actual retail store, live and in person. (Remember that?)
I have no accounts with the store, have never registered for anything with them, nor gave my name. Yet upon returning home and opening my computer, I began receiving ad after ad for the specific guitar pick that I had bought.
The only connection I could think of was that, having made entirely unrelated purchases from other stores online, some database connected that credit card with a specific person and place - me and my home.
Yuck!
6
@ImagineMoments
And it doesn't help that some establishments are going "cashless."
In recent trip to NYC, I was surprised how many places were "cashless" -- you either had to pay with a credit card or couldn't get anything there. I guess I can understand not wanting to have tons of cash on hand, but I frankly resented that they were effecting insisting that my consumption choices were going to be tracked. I also wondered much mark-up they were charging if they could blithely give away 2% (isn't that it?) off the top to the credit card companies.
4
As a young adult being surrounded by social media is not only time consuming but also socially demanded. There is no way you can interact with other people due to the fact that in less than five minutes they have already asked you for your either Facebook or Twitter account. A life with less technology while eating sounds every time further.
5
@Karla Sarmiento
But even if something is "socially demanded," you can just say "no." When cashiers ask me for my email address, I tell them I am "off the grid." I know they think am rude, but then I realize they don't really care and will forget this interaction 10 seconds later.
8
Even interactions with complete strangers in a comment section feel more genuine these days than the predictable likes and comments one gets from social media posts.
I left Facebook three years ago, and don't miss it at all. I have also cut way back on my Twitter and Instagram posting, to the point where now I would just like a simple photo editing app with which to create nice snaps in order to share them directly with real friends through messaging. I also force myself (a born introvert) into more face to face chats with distant connections, especially while travelling. Almost always delightful.
The wonder of instant digital communication has not left me. I appreciate being able to text my kids and friends, and stay current that way. It requires, though, a measure of self-appreciation to be satisfied with small groups and individual conversations.
22
I am so grateful that I grew up before the internet and cell phones were developed. The ability to go for a walk without interruption, to be unavailable... I am on fb and love the connection it gives to my far flung friends and relatives.. and in a family emergency, a group text is a blessing.
Still, before we were all plugged into technology, there was more room for real discovery, serendipity, the chance encounter, magic from out of the blue.... a deep conversation with a stranger on the subway when one person's glance meets another.. which does not happen when one's eyes are glued to the screen
34
Building a legacy through social media is like talking into the wind. Your words come right back to you, no one really hears you. As an artist, painter, I've thought a lot about my legacy, here's what I conclude; A legacy item must be something coming from you that others personally cherish. Not so easily accomplished with words and deeds so I use my artist skills. Consider this, most of what we are will be forgotten within three generations after we pass. So, how do I extend my legacy beyond this, maybe, 150 years? Portraits! I give people portraits of their loved ones. They cherish them and it is not hard to see them being passed down from generation to generation until 300 years from now someone will be saying, "That's my great, great, great..." and my name is on it. Go to any museum and prove my point for yourself.
12
It's all very true. I am slinking towards the exits on FB, Twitter, and Instagram. And I no longer wish to contribute to the data collection scheme.
26
A year and a half ago I decided, after 6 years on FB, that I had given the Russians enough information about me, my politics, my thought, my family, and my work. I announced my quitting to hundreds of loyal followers and then I quit.
Giving up FB made me understand the habit forming side of addiction. It was months before I stopped automatically landing on the sign in page. I still struggle with the occasional desire to sign in to organize an event or rally, which hundreds would say they are going to but only a dozen would attend.
But I am so much more productive than I was on FB. My time is better managed and at the end of the day I feel that the interactions I have had with others have been meaningful. I almost never felt that on FB. And I am affirmed in that decision whenever a former follower writes and says they just realized I am not on Fb and ask why I left. When it takes someone 1.5 years to figure out you are gone, you have to question the meaning of the word "friend,"
96
After years being social on Facebook, I began noticing ads “following me” from other websites. That was creepy.
During the 2016 election I noticed angry vehement political fights in comments around others’ political posts. Twitter exaggerated that anger and ugliness so after a few tries to engage I stayed off Twitter.
Last year I noticed that I would log out of Facebook with a feeling of despair.
I decided to only check in on FB until I felt sad then log off.
Now I rarely check in.
I feel much better now, thank you.
I prefer to be quietly alone or visiting with neighbors and friends, active in local developments, joining in with feet on the street rather than with words on a screen, supporting friends’ joy and sadness in person, rather than piling on condolences or likes virtually.
Facebook is poison, and I predict that in the not too distant future it will be viewed as something we used to do that we found was not creative nor helpful to our sense of joy.
67
Yes ..,, about Twitter. I joined months ago. I twit a bit and block a bit too and do not know how to achieve a following. At senior citizen age I see it’s appeal and dangers. And I am always surprised by the flippancy of my two Senators remarks.
Especially Sen. Murphy.
I wonder who REALLY is doing the twittering in their offices.
Dangerous stuff at our fingertips.
We live in that space more than in reality if we become addicted.
Takes about two weeks for an addiction to hold.
I am happy some realize that less is best.
12
@nursejacki
But, um, the Tweeter in Chief's tweets don't disturb you? You mention Senator Murphy's 'flippancy' but not Trump's non-stop lying? Do you ever wonder who is REALLY doing Trump's tweeting for him?
Just wondering.
The demise of social media platforms can't come soon enough for me.
2
Bravo. Insightful words that might help me do the same thing!
12
I really really really want to do this. My biggest fear though is just not being on the know on community happenings that I think I need to know due to my job.
I am already dreading the coming year. I put personal content less and less all the time. My friend list is huge.The cute personal observations seem less and less appropriate to such a large group of people. More and more, I find I am okay if I no longer know what my cousins in Texas are doing.
Can I pull the plug?
Can I?
30
To Gwe, you are now in the perfect position to almost if not completely get off social media. Be aware that the addictive aspect of it will last a few weeks, perhaps even two months, but as addiction goes, that is a relatively short time. I felt much better when I brought my Facebook use to a rare check in every few months. And I think I’ll feel better when I take the leap of signing off. Yes, you can too!
3
Yes! You can unplug!!
1
Thanks for sharing this introspection, which to me is fascinating because as a boomer I can't relate to it at all (except for my obsession with commenting on NYT pieces.) I will follow along with interest as the insightful members of your generation work through this aspect of the world you've been born into.
22
Americans don't have a social life, so they have social networks.
That is how big capital has found a way to get into their private life to exploit those resources financially.
They sell their private date without asking Americans their consent or even without them having any conscience of it.
In Europe we have started , not only analyzing it since several years but we have also voted laws against that abuse.
As always Americans are way behind.
They don't even start having the conscience that they are being abused. That is what they call freedom.
32
Major social network services were made in US, because ultimately Americans desired some outlets to share(sell) their private life. Why wouldn't companies exploit that huge demand?
2
@JPH
Amen. Nor do many realize that they're not making their own voting decisions....they're swallowing only what is slickly marketed to them, while bots are emotionally poking them with a stick toward a specific outcome.
Candidates can no longer just state their positions and be "honest" and "trustworthy" and "smart." They must be so in catchy, oft-repeated and highly repeatable sound bites, with animated dual-hand gestures, the right color shirt to bring out their eyes, eulogistic self-praise listing their accomplishments, deliberate psy-war word choices like "WHEN I am president" (rather than "IF I am president")...and a book to plug.
It has crept into US culture as insidiously as chocolate has into breakfast cereals.
9
@JPH
Come off it. It's not only U.S. citizens who have swallowed the social media lie. Go to any country in South America or Asia and see how addicted they are there too, and are willingly allowing their privacy to be eroded.
The main difference between the U.S. and European countries is that U.S. citizens have forgotten that government should work for us. Politicians are public servants, not lobbyist for multi-national companies. This is why it will take a major effort by U.S. voters to remind government who they're supposed to be representing: the people, not Silicon Valley executives.
That government represents the people is where U.S. is far behind most European countries.
5
I so relate to this. I have been on Twitter for 10 years and I have never gone a day without it. It has become part of my life. About a month ago, for the first time I removed the app from my phone. I realised it consumed so much of my time, posts on it made me angry as people tend to be so negative and there were just so much rubbish and it wasn't doing me any good.
With over 55k followers, I did get people asking where have I gone to but truly it's none of their business but I get why they wonder especially those who have followed me for years. They value my thoughts or stories on Twitter. But at the end of the day, it's a virtual life I needed a break from.
17
Life needs to occur in a place.
Twitter is not a place. It is space. Similar to our thoughts in that they take place irrespective of where are bodies are planted.
This detachment is the core of the problem.
We lose context when we lose a sense of place, in this case, private space for pondering and reflecting, not signaling and flashing our virtues and vices like fireflies seeking mates.
27
This focus on the image of the self, as opposed to the real, inner self, has made me feel like a stranger among others. In college in the '70s, we studied "the human condition" in philosophy, literature, and even science. Our focus on the self was on getting to know ourselves, our history, evolution, and our motivations. It was not about crafting an image or announcing on LinkedIn that we're "humbled" to have gotten this or that award.
No one cares about you or me outside of our children or siblings (if we're close), a spouse, and a couple of friends perhaps. With the exception of children, if they lose us in childhood, most of these people move on pretty well after we're gone.
Many of us have no children or spouses, including myself. That means we matter even less while we're here. We don't, however, matter less to the universe. Our deeds survive us.
64
Thank you, Bianca. I had been thinking of these things in the days leading up to reading this. I don't have or use a cell phone, having made that decision when they started to be popular in the 90s. I just flatly refused and thought it bad form to take a call in public. I didn't like the idea of being bothered by calls away from the house. Quaint then, almost subversive now. The only social I use is FB, and then mostly to promote events at my local library. I am surrounded by co-workers and a society, when not on a physical task, fully absorbed/submerged in their screens, head down, murmuring to themselves all alone. I am grateful for the peace and quiet I have kept by avoiding cyber-life. And more grateful for my availability to chat and share time whenever you want to say, "Hi!"
23
@Garth
Good to see such individuality
So very rare in these times.
2
As a 50-year-old who is only on Facebook and rarely posts, I hear you and agree that much of social media is vacuous.
However, there was a massive climate Fridays for Future strike recently. Four million took to the streets the first Friday and six million the second Friday. I'm not sure the global scale and organization could have been achieved without social media. And although Occupy Wall Street protests seemed to fizzle, it did spark more discussion among ordinary people about the vast inequality in our society which continues today, 8 years later, more than ever. Parts of the Democratic party appears to have made a U-turn in their courting of Wall Street.
7
@the quiet one <--- a GREAT song by the Who. :-)
@the quiet one: I wasn't born until the 70s, but when you look at the massive civil rights protests that happened in this country, and brought people from the north to the south as allies, it's clear that people can -- and did -- organize mass events without social media.
In fact, I would make the opposite observation -- people get lazy when there is social media and neglect to promote events elsewhere. That leaves a huge swath of people who would like to be in the loop out of the loop -- from others who don't use social media to people who use it sparingly or who aren't following the "right" people or organizations.
4
@Rose You have valid points.
The Faustian bargain we made with social media was that the more we shared about our personal lives and thoughts, then the more intimate, connected, and relevant we would become with humanity itself. Yet it seems what most people on social media have done is simply create an on-line or “shadow version” of themselves. They have not become any more authentic or genuine through virtual relationships but rather paradoxically, at their core, they have come away feeling more isolated and duplicitous.
As it turns out (at least for the time being), the development our of personal identities still requires real, meaningful engagement with real, meaningful, and present people.
49
In this day and age, I consider myself lucky and blessed to be a "dinosaur." I will be 65 years-old in December and I love to read, listen to music, talk to friends and keep my t.v. off. There is nothing like human connection - I feel it all the time as a nurse working in a school with little ones. We all need to connect face-to-face.
109
“What happens to our humanity when we relegate our real lives to props for the performance of our virtual ones?”
Amazing question!
24
How like grafitti is social media.
A few willl see your creativity, but hey, it's better than nothin' and we can always imagine that great throngs will take note, and remember your tag, or maybe even take a selfie with it.
2
The sad truth. There is no big stage for the vast majority of us. There is only the illusion of a world watching as we share the most mundane moments of painfully ordinary lives. This isn't to say our existence is not important, as most are to family and friends, but social media did not create that, or make it more profound. The hard truth. The great vast majority of us are obscure, invisible beings who come and go leaving negligible impact in this world.
If there were ever a desperate cry from a soft-skinned, fragile relatively short-lived organism, follow me on twitter has to be it.
179
@buddhaboy
Wonderful comment! Thank you!
What may be the most interesting about this whole social media debacle is its exposure of mass existential angst, which used to be so personal and concealed, and which normally didn't kick in at full strength until middle age.
Suicide rate among the young are rising, as you likely know....
15
@buddhaboy
Why isn't being important to ones self also meaningful?
I have never understood the hunger for recognition from others. Never got that concept.But I am not a millennial.
My 65 yo friend just joined FB and Instagram I asked myself why give up your privacy after so long w/o those social media.
11
I ceased to exist five years ago this month, which is to say I left all social media for good. The psychological and, for lack of a better word, existential cost of chasing after 'likes' and 'retweets' became too much to bear, but that wasn't the only reason. In the end, I object to the eagerness with which we have all outsourced our social lives to for-profit corporations that, it turns out, do not have our best interests - as individuals or as a political community - at heart.
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Many of us think of social media as apps on their devices, but the reality is this communication tool started with computers. Websites and apps have been designed that allow us to share content - quickly, efficiently and in real time.
My social media apps of choice are Facebook and Instagram. Recently I added a Twitter app but I don't think it's "my cup of tea."
...And for others, you now exist for the first time!
Jaron Lanier, featured this week in a related series, wrote a whole book about ditching social media. The one place he didn't promote that book was on Facebook and twitter.
You've found a path to self expression which is both more meaningful, and you get paid for it. It may be old school, but this 'never facebook'er' says: Bravo to you!.
Thoughtful and articulate expression of a point of view is exactly the kind of thing social media fails at, so much so that it should be called: "Anti-Social media".
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I absolutely loved this piece! It’s scary to relate to something we have never fully recognized on our own.
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Ah beautiful! Made me think ... made me think if it matters where we are do whatever we do. Is it on a social platform or in real life? Or does it only matter how meaningful it is what we do wherever we do it?
I’m going to save this so I can meditate upon it.
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I removed myself entirely from social media for a year. In doing so I removed all my Facebook data, all the pictures of my children that I posted without asking whether they wanted to be part of my stream, all of it.
It was difficult at first, but I feel better for it now than I ever did.
One becomes aware of the absurdity of social media on smartphones once one is off of it. Watching people barely even look at imagery and double tap, or skim the material, one realizes there is very little engagement for all the attention given by the individuals.
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@ELBOWTOE
I too have been tempted to close my FB account. I rarely post, and have no interest in much of the stuff that floods my Newsfeed. Yet I do like the posting of events and shows to which my friends are going. And FB messenger is the primary vehicle most of them use to organize group outings and events. If not for these benefits, I would get off FB.
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@ELBOWTOE
"Watching people barely even look at imagery and double tap, or skim the material, one realizes there is very little engagement for all the attention given by the individuals."
I see it so often in trains or on the tram. People working their feeds. And it looks like work, even assembly line piece work, when they check all the channels, look at pics and gifs and memes for no longer than maybe two seconds, applying hearts and likes dutifully and generously. I see the pictures, memes, and gifs quite clearly as nobody minds anymore "sharing" his screen (or call or "audio") with others. It's family pics, marriage pics, friends out or bros bragging pics. But noone looks at them longer than maybe two seconds and moves on (there's always more), that is my impression. They just have to be checked and "read" and also liked or heart-ed otherwise that person or avatar could think you diss them (and retaliate). Have you seen Black Mirror "Nosedive"? It's our present future.
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@KP You can use Messenger without being on Facebook, I do and I quit over a year and half ago. I also tend to switch to text where I can.
Ms. Brooks, I don't think your grandfather Charles Shaw would have objected to you paying tribute to him on twitter. You likely made him smile, and thank you for remembering. Any social platform is never the panacea we sometimes place inside our heads though. It's simply a way to communicate, as is the telephone, and our own voices in face to face conversation.
You draw some distinction between social media and a "private life". There really isn't a private life. It could be lonely, but the private life as you say, can be the best choice you ever made. Interestingly, you mentioned your grandfather but no one else of your "followers". As they say, its all about family, and I would add friends.
I was raised in an era where social media did not exist, and do have a bias against it, but only because I see it's abuse. Family and friends, and that direct converation with them, is all one needs to live a private life. And it's not very private, its just the opposite, exciting and rewarding.
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