The lovely thing about being a grandparent is that you get to spend time reading, playing, loving, building... with grandchildren... far more than their parents are able to do... to everyone's benefit.
2
I have raised two daughters ....mellenials.
When I became a parent first time at age 35 and with 13 years of marriage under my belt and an upward pointing career as a well educated nurse ....,married ,to a well educated accountant I thought I would be the best mom ever! And that my hubby would ease right into the parenting thing. I read every Laleche League textbook and personal diary written ,I think. I reviewed Freudian and Jungian and Maslow and Erickson and Skinner too. Every foundational theory of personality and parenting I could find. Books propped up in my bulging belly. What I hadn’t considered was that my own dysfunctional upbringing which left me with PTSD would muddy the waters of parenting for us both.
To this day...... even though my kids are thriving successful adults I feel enormous guilt and remorse and regret sometimes for the way I handled their school experiences and the way I created boundaries and rules to follow. My hubby was never allowed by me to actually coparent our girls because I was projecting my own father’s behaviors toward me into my hubby. As the little ladies grew they realized they could work their magic by “ splitting “ mom and dad. So during their upbringing on and off we all would attend “ family therapy”.
Last time we did that ,my counselor said “ Jacki ... you cannot control another human being , back off , the girls launched and seem to be pretty clear on their values and goals and that they love you and yu worry too much.” Namaste!
When my child told me he was bored, I said "GREAT! You can help me mop the kitchen floor!" He said it twice. Another time he came to me and said "I'm b.... I'm gonna go read a book." I said "Great idea!" Voila, my child taught himself how to come up with ideas for things to do by himself. Please note that watching tv or playing a video game was NOT one of the options in terms of occupying himself. Was I an intensive parent in other ways? Yes, given that I homeschooled for 6 years with my husband who worked early home. I read outloud to him a great deal, including all the Harry Potter books in Spanish. I spoke Spanish to him so that he would be bilingual and while he could (and can) read in Spanish, it was more difficult, so I read the books to him. Clearly there was intensive parenting going on, but that does NOT mean I was going to reward him with play time with me when he came to me complaining of boredom. What I wouldn't give to be bored! I always have way too much to do. I make my chores much more enjoyable now by listening to podcasts or books while I do them, which I didn't think was wise when I had a small child as I needed to keep an ear out for him when I was working in another room.
1
I see many toddlers and young children watching electronic devices in the car or at the grocery store and teenagers (and parents) fiddling with their phones while having dinner together. I don't believe that how many puzzles or art projects you've done with your kids should be a measure of whether you're a good parent, but we should talk to our kids when we have the opportunity.
There is one important word missing from this thought-provoking article - “relationship.” As a middle class single parent it is really hard to sit down & play. But it is really easy to talk, to hug, to laugh, to tickle, to engage in ways that build a strong emotional connection with my kids. Feeling loved & supported is what they take out into the world, & a deep relationship is what grows that.
3
Throughout the world there are children being raised in many different ways. There are many ways that are successful.
Don't be too tough but don't be too soft either. Children need boundaries and to be held to those boundaries.
My definition of a good parent:
A good parent is one who is doing the best they can.
Will you get it all right? No.
If you are doing the best you can in the circumstances you have, and you're working to understand what the best is you that you can do for your child, then be gentle with yourself. No parent gets it perfect.
Children more than anything need stability, consistent patterns in a day so they have predictability in their day.
There are children who really push against boundaries mightily, but they do better if those boundaries hold strong.
When they're teenagers love them despite the stuff they may do, and as parents agree on the rules and don't let them play one of you off against the other.
1
The vignettes seem to offer two options; the first reflecting the thoughtful steps of a loving parent, the other, an overwhelmed or neglectful one. It doesn’t surprise me that most agree the “intensive” approach in these scenarios is better parenting.
I think it would be more interesting to know when most people think “intensive” parenting crosses the line - e.g., if the two scenarios featured a parent actually intervening in their child’s playground conflict, calling other kids’ parents and getting the teacher or principal involved to resolve the issue vs offering their child thoughtful advice and techniques for how to deal with a bully, and encouragement to stand up for himself or other students.
In my experience, the bullies are the kids whose parents are neglectful or abusive, while the kids who grow up to live admirable lives had parents who were involved, but in an empowering (not controlling) way.
The worst off as adults are the kids whose parents tried to fix everything - driving their kid to school because other kids on the bus were mean. Calling other parents every time they’d learn about a playground argument. That kind of thing.
There is definitely such thing as being “over involved”, particularly in conflict situations, and as painful as it may be to see your child suffer at the hands of a bully, the real world is full of (adult) bullies, and there is something to be said about making your kid fight their own battles.
2
As an everyday bus rider in Seattle, I observe a lot of parents. Today I saw a young mother of 3 children manage perfectly tthree children under the age of four. From the looks of the children’s’ clothing (clean but used), she hadn’t much money. Instead of staring at her phone for the 30 minute ride, she talked quietly to her oldest. As she got off the bus, I told her she was doing an amazing job,. She never raised her voice or ignored any of her children. This mother, to me, is an amazing parent.
12
Economic status of parents matters precious little to children. However abusive families make all the difference in parenting. Abusive parenting has nothing to do with the economic status of a family. Children badly need affection and family bonding. It doesn’t cost a penny.
I have seen a number of middle class parents in India and even in America. They actually provide far too much to their children when it comes to the choice of cereals, books, toys, clothes and even musical instruments, which is quite unnecessary. I shudder to think what rich parents do in this regard.
Providing too much of stuff disables the children to appreciate its value. Providing excessive love also amounts to pampering and simply not loving. There should be a balance in this regard lest children will go out of their hands. Far too many parents indulge in this without realising what they are actually doing.
Sharing excessive stuff among low income families will not only bring joy to them but also brings plenty of happiness to the families helped even.
Many educated parents take shelter in the name of being busy. Can’t they find half an hour of their valuable time to spend with their children ? For whose sake they are piling up money then ?
1
This is an excellent article. I work in the school system and help Kindergarteners who are struggling with their fine motor and visual motor skills. I am so disheartened when I ask a student if they ever play games or color with their parents and they tell me no. I was very lucky to have worked in birth to three as my first job and knew what to play with my baby, toddler and school aged child. He did not have perfect handwriting but had good fine motor skills because my husband or I took the time to play, color, and talk with him. I truly love and cherish those moments that went by way too quickly. I send paperwork home with some students encouraging their parents to sit with them or color with them or play a game with them. It doesn’t have to be daily or for a long period of time, but show interest in your child. You can always make time for your child!
2
The first question is: what kind of relationship do you want? Then, ask, what kind of experience do you want your child to have. Then, ask, what qualities do I want my child to have? At this point you'll realize there is no one-size-fits-all and almost none of the parenting guides or experts address these foundational questions.
Currently, good parenting is understood as simply "more" parenting. Just like in most realms of contemporary society, more is believed to be better.
1
It’s quite simple actually. Having given birth to children, it’s onus upon the parents to spend some valuable time with them daily doesn’t matter their economic status and how busy they are.
There are a number of things low income families can do like playing with their children either indoor or outdoor, talking, reading books obtained from the library etc, which costs precious little.
Proper parenting surely helps in the upbringing of children at every stage. There is no second opinion about it. Escaping either in the name of low income or being busy doesn’t make any sense. Where there is a will, there always is a way to help children grow properly.
1
Very well said!
@AnnieZ : Thanks for your compliment. I appreciate it.
It is time to stop listening to the notion that there is such a thing as a perfect parent. We are all doing the best we can juggling our own work, looking after the family and being a parent.
To be a good parent means to be a good person yourself first and foremost. Then set some basic rules for children and be consistent about them. Then you will give your child the space to learn and grow.
5
When I am out shopping, etc., I hear folks on the phone and sometimes they will tell the person on the other end, "love you" many times during the short conversation. When I was growing up, my parents were from the Victorian era and did not constantly say "love you" like you hear today. Fortunately I always felt that my parents did love me. The "love you" that we hear today began about 12-15 years ago and my child was already an adult. I have guilt feelings and I think it is because I hear it so often all around me and it keeps reminding me that I guess I didn't say it enough.
5
@Su Ling Saul
Hopefully, you can share this post with your child. If not, perhaps you can share it with someone else who could benefit from hearing this.
@Su Ling Saul
Feeling loved (the way you did) is what's important. I'm sure your child feels the same.
This study does not ring true to me, or there is a subset that is missing.. That subset is those kids who are sent to boarding schools - all the Northeast regular line-up- Choate, Rosemary Hall, or Madeira, Exeter, Kent, Andover, Foxcroft..These are very high income kids with a low -income (according to this study) amount of time parents spend with them..I see Trump as coming out of this tradition,as well as Kavanaugh..So these types have a LOT of influence in our society, and they are off the spectrum, as defined in this book, and it's conclusions..
4
@grace thorsen
Kavanaugh's school had boarding students and day students. He was a day student as he only lived a few miles away. So presumably he saw his parents every day.
1
Read The Nurture Assumption by Judith Rich Harris if you want to understand the effect patents have on their kids. The kids’ genes and peer groups will determine how they turn out as adults, not how much time mom or dad spent drawing with them. That’s ridiculous. If you like drawing (or whatever) with your kid, have fun. Otherwise, don’t worry about it.
4
What makes a good parent? Throwing the electronics out the window and engaging with your kids....
Please. Kids grow up too fast to be ignored all those hours the noses are spent in the phones and the like.
9
A good parent in my estimation, is one who teaches civics to their child; good manners; all about love and it’s meaning by example.
5
The best part about being a mother is that you become a grandmother. But I learned more about my children and grandchildren from the back seat of the car, schlepping them all over the place from the Dollar Store to the library and everything in between, listening to their conversation, their music, their opinions. Thinking about those days now brings a lump in my throat.
9
If you are interested in a good parenting paradigm to help your child deal with the ups and downs of life, try changing the "frame" of losing something TO making ART out of either something found or the "one remaining of a pair."
It is possible to make beautiful puppets out one glove or one sock thereby transforming a child's perception from "this a calamity - and perhaps one for which I will be scolded or punished" into: "I lost something I liked, and look how a whole new world has opened up to me, and boy, my mom (or dad) is super and now I have something I"ll remember to the good for always."
6
Uh...there is no exact formula. When you add in the gamble that is the genetic roll of the dice...a parents "being good" at the task might never make a "good" child. At least not as a parent might want the term good to mean.
I've watched my sister and bro'-in-law, very good people - struggle mightily to raise their only and adopted child, who was the child of an addict, with an ancestry of poverty. Which we know can effect the epigenetic "themes" of every generation.
This beautiful, sweet child on the outside, was to put it mildly troubled on the inside. And very much trouble behind closed doors. A secret they kept from the rest of us for a long time. All we knew was the child had some "regular" childhood illnesses, and some learning problems. Nothing to worry about, was the standard line.
What we later learned was she terrorized her parents, especially her mother, my sister, the entire time. When old enough to venture out of the home, she then put herself in the most riskiest of situations she could. Being a girl, that often involved sexual situations.
I'm in no way casting aspersions on the adopted or the practice, as I know plenty of adopted people who never had such problems, or caused many. What Im addressing is that every child is a result of the roll of the genetic dice. Parents never know what their genetic mix will create in a child.
Parenting is a mix of applied effort, some basic skills, and a whole lot of finesse. One skill is facing down ones fears.
10
My parents, both 85, raised 12 children. My 8 sisters and 3 brothers were fortunate Dad was a gifted accounted and Mom managed the household so deftly. We were appreciative of what we had and valued the lessons they imparted through their example. They were not helicopter parents but there for support and nonjudgemental advice when we would foul up. I also must add as one of the younger siblings, my older brothers and sisters had the chance to practice their future parenting skills with the younger ones. Is there a perfect parenting recipe? I’m not sure as a father of 4, my wife and I are trying our best.
4
As an older parent of young adult triplets, and a retired educator who worked with thousands of parents in my career -- I believe we are a society that has become overly conscious of being "good parents."
Yes, it is valuable to read about and discuss being good parents. But not to the point where a kind of "human instinct" is lost. Studies can be interesting and instructive -- but not to the point where they whipsaw a mother's anxiety around. Articles can be enlightening -- but not to the point where discussing them leads to increased tension over being the "right" kind of parent.
This article also betrays a certain insensitivity to economic class, trying hard not to blame the less privileged parents but still condescending to them. The more affluent parent can read the books and articles because more time is available, perhaps -- the less affluent is busy surviving.
More time spent with one's child seems like a no-brainer. But let's not guilt the busy parent or further demean the family with two instead of 102 books. Let's love each child, hug a lot, and do our best and accept our foibles, with no spanking and a bunch of kisses.
13
We need to increase the pay for the work low income people do. More marriages would last and more children would be better cared for if less time were required just to meet basic needs. Excellent child care is also needed. To achieve this, child care workers need good pay.
16
Both my husband and I worked full-time. We lived paycheck to paycheck,drove old cars,had a mortgage etc...The library,walks in the woods,going to the beach,waking the kids up for meteor showers,birdwatching,taking walks in driving rains,going sledding,building snowmen. The simple things bring the most joy,and provide the best lessons.My 2 adult sons are happy successful guys. To all young parents,enjoy the ride,your kids will be fine.
26
Way too much overthinking. A normal family routine, whatever that is in any decade, reflects the kid's daily life as long as they're being loved and included in proper activities that are age determined. Peer play and social interaction is a proven plus as well as music, sports etc. Gaining independence along the way is crucial as is learning from their own mistakes as opposed to always being rescued! It's just common sense folks! Dysfunctional families do need help if it is sought but that's life--what you're born into is pure luck. No, divorce if handled correctly is not a societal disaster. Kids are adaptable when truth abounds especially when any kind of bigotry is not allowed.
Move on to helping them survive this horrible current state of affairs and for heavens sake don't rely on grandparents--they've done it once and don't need the boredom of doing it again.
5
A few thoughts:
There has been a decline in self efficacy and increase in depression among young people in the last few decades. Has "intensive parenting" contributed to it? With mom constantly taking a break to solve problems for her children or create entertainment for them, how much time are kids getting for necessary, free, self directed play?
To what degree are upper income kids succeeding not because of intensive parenting, but because they have good genes and a stable home? How how much better off would they be if mom and dad let them get bored and make their own fun for awhile?
To what degree does excessive screen time contribute to socioeconomic gaps? The time that low income kids aren't spending engaged with their parents on an activity is very often spent in front of smartphone or a TV, not being engaged in free play. More affluent parents tend to have limits on screen time.
And ... unpopular view ... to what degree does genetic inheritance play in gaps? Intelligence is highly heritable. Intelligent women increasingly marry smart men. Much of the uncultivated, low hanging fruit that new immigrants and former slaves, highly motivated and newly freed from old world restrictions on their success, presented to America generations ago has largely been plucked. Have white and black Americans largely already sorted themselves out by aptitude? (More recent Hispanic and Asian immigrants still tend to have a lot of social mobility between generations).
8
@A F
"Intelligence is highly heritable." Which is not to say "inherited". And, IQ has low correlation with academic achievement, income, etc.
So, what's your point?
I would venture to say that 'underperforming' schools are directly related to the lack of positive social and parental interaction in poor families - and affect the students attending these schools. Studies have shown that the lack of conversation stunts language skills so that a child entering kindergarten has little or no clue what the teacher is saying or reading to the class. There are underperforming students, not schools.
14
@Piemonte
Your joking, right?
You've only stated the premise, "Studies have shown..." but not even made the assertion the "underperforming" students receive less conversation in poor families. Apparently, we are just supposed to assume that to fill in the stereotype.
Boarding school students have very little parent interaction. How does that fit into your "theory"?
I sometimes think people discredit the educational value of the daily mundane. I don’t sit down and teach my young children or actively play with them too often, but I am constantly teaching them about the world, and teaching them foundational social and personal skills on a daily basis.
When I take them to the store, they learn about the world beyond just their home and preschool. They learn how to pick out fruit, how to engage the cashier appropriately, and about money. They learn proper social etiquette and also life lessons about how you can’t always get what you want.
When I do laundry or clean or cook, they learn that this stuff doesn’t happen magically, that these are things that have to happen, and they learn how to do them.
Through all these activities, we talk and I help them navigate foundational life skills like how to share w each other and how to wait their turn to speak. Theses skills will allow teachers to be able to teach them at school.
I don’t think a lot of instructional activities are necessary at young ages, bc spending time w kids should be about building foundational skills and knowledge to facilitate other learning later on.
I doubt a trip to Target would have been counted in the study, but I’d argue my kids learn as much through that trip as they would
Have from spending the same amount of time
On some enrichment activity.
33
@Itsy As a former teacher, I visited many homes. Some parents never make it to school for anything. I would be there about their 1st grader, but observe how younger ones were treated/ignored. 3 mo. old baby laying on the couch with a bottle propped in its mouth facing the TV. TV on so loud one had to yell to be heard over it. 2 year old sitting in front of it, slack faced. When I at one time tried to get the 2 year old's attention and show him a favorite children's book. He briefly looked at me, expressionless. Then turned back to the TV. 6 years later, the child who had been 3 months old was in my classroom. Totally unsocialized, unable to communicate verbally. He had to spend 2 years in 1st grade just to learn to talk well enough to make his wishes known. Some people should just not reproduce.
15
Nana-- you hit it on target. As a grandmother, I can supply those hours of close involvement with my grandchildren that the parents can't.
5
This article focuses exclusively on parents. My grandparents played a huge part in my upbringing encouraging reading and education. My husband and I now provide the same for our grandchildren. We have been heavily involved in their care since they were born taking up the slack from their parents who both work full time in demanding careers. We read to them daily from the time they were infants and encouraged reading and creativity and lots of free play and playground time. They are 7 and 9 now and both love school and reading and we continue helping out. I wonder if there have been any studies on outcomes when grandparents are involved along with parents.
16
@Nana
I grew up on the same street with all four of my grandparents, within walking distance of their houses. It was a wonderful blessing. We keep our own parents very involved with our children.
Your grandchildren will appreciate you someday!
8
Frankly, the comments section is response to this article had more useful points about good parenting than the article itself. At some point. it felt like it dissolved into a referendum on low socio-economic parenting than offering a variety of ways and experience that constitutes good parenting.
10
Whats right depends on the parent and depends on the child. I was never my child's "playmate." Drawing with a young child or playing make believe with them, ugh.
9
If people are not able to act decisively and directly in a child’s life, then they are not equipped to become parents. And they should not for all concerned.
6
This article is very misleading. If I understand correctly, Ishizuka simply SURVEYED parents to understand what they thought constituted good patenting. And it turns out that the current conventional wisdom is that between “concerted cultivation” and “natural growth" it is the former which is perceived as good patenting. And it looks like that is constant across socio economic classes.
But the rest of the article makes it sound like that conventional wisdom is obviously correct. Yet there is no other objective measure to decide if that is right. What REALLY constitutes good parenting? Forget about what people THINK constitutes good parenting.
13
@Steve And I'm also sure you didn't mean to imply that only mothers are capable of or responsible for raising children before they reach school age.
3
Funny that this article jumps from what is universally viewed as “good parenting” to why we don’t all do it.. rather than question: is that good parenting? It’s just what we think, without actual assessment of whether it’s “good” outside of us thinking it’s good.
I think children raised in the “good” scenario depicted here may suffer from not having a parent be “too busy”, from not having a realistic sense of work and responsibilities that families and humans face
5
I'm a retired child psychologist. My conclusion from my work is that one should become a parent only if you have a strong desire to have a small playmate. Those who want that experience naturally spend time with their children, and usually get a lot of satisfaction from being a parent.
I saw this with my own father. I don't remember him reading to me, or doing puzzles, or any of that kind of stuff. Instead, from a young age, I caddied for him, pulling his golf cart. We spent endless hours on the golf course, just talking, or sometimes he'd give me math problems.
I spent more time with my dad than any other kid I knew. He was my role model for parenting--spending individual time with each child.
To make this point with my clients I would tell them, jokingly, that it didn't matter what they did together--they could rob banks together if they found that enjoyable. They got the point.
For pulling my father's clubs, at the end of every 18 holes I'd get a Nehi Grape! Yum. Can still taste them.
Enjoy time with little human beings, and you will be a successful parent.
44
I love this comment. Most of my time spent with my kids is doing laundry, going to the store, emptying the dishwasher. They play near me and we chat. They “help” insomuch as little kids can. I love it. Their stories are wild and marvelous, and they come to me to talk through things that are bothering them.
Make me sit down and color or do puzzles with them, tho, and I want to shoot myself.
12
The measure of a parent isn’t how long you spend colouring together! It is in trying to create an environment in which a child feels safe, secure and loved in the best way you can.
That is, they know there is someone who is taking care of their basic needs, who provides a modicum of structure, will notice if something is wrong, and is willing to discuss issues and provide advice that will prepare them for life. I also recommend lots of kisses and cuddles. It constantly changes with your child’s developmental level, their abilities, interests, and their personality. I have a very rough and continually evolving “development plan” for each of them in my head. While there were times I did (and still do) play with my kids, most of our interaction occurs throughout every day life. It simply isn’t realistic for me to drop everything, and it’s not what life is like. Some of our best conversations happen in the car, or doing homework, or watching TV. I often try to find ways to involve them in what I’m doing. My son has been really helpful with some spring cleaning recently (although my daughter would rather sit and read). From time to time we have special family outings. However, I have often wondered about the whole helicopter parenting thing and think it’s a bit exaggerated. Most parents I know are way too busy juggling paid work and housekeeping to be constantly hovering over their children. Fourteen minutes a day doesn’t sound particularly intensive to me.
15
You know, I actually love spending as much time as possible with my child. Every moment is to be cherished. Every day is a treasure. It is not work. It is joy. Therefore, I question the entire premise of your article, which seems to be based on the assumption that parenting is a chore and a burden. What more important and more fun matters must I tend to than spending precious time with the most important person to me in the world?
9
Hazarding a guess that you have one child who is relatively young?
6
@Dan That's the truth! I used to love skipping the housework and playing games with our children!
1
That is the right frame of reference to look at parenting. Not as a burden but as cherished moments that impact your child’s life!
It is telling that only parenting styles are discussed - in this article and in society at large. But what of the age of the parent? The difference between the maturity and patience level of a 35 year old raising his/her first child and a 20 year old are profound. Until we as a society address the ‘elephant in the room’- birth control - the disparity in test scores and economic outcomes between the well off and the poor will only increase.
15
Thanks for this. Really, having a baby at a young age is a very certain path to what is now termed income inequality.
11
My three children are young adults now. When I observe young parents with their toddler aged children, I am always amazed at how much learning and teaching goes on between parent and child in the ordinary course of being together in the supermarket, say, or just walking down the street. Their often constant back and forth pitter patter transmits a world of information about words and how to use them, how to behave or not behave, how to appreciate, observe and understand one’s environment and how to connect through communication and feelings with another person the child feels close to. Some parent child pairs are more talkative than others. They mostly all talk, though, from what I can see. If this high level of communication is absent, it strikes me as a huge missing piece for the parent and child. I was lucky to have this experience with all three of my children. I wasn’t necessarily aware at the time how meaningful it was educationally, but I was aware of how much pleasure it gave me.
27
@Janet Wolkoff
I agree but more often I see young parents one their cellphones.
6
Part of me, reading this, wants to ask each reader, what they would have considered a good parent, at different stages of their own lives. When you were 8, what would have been a good dad?When you were 16, what would have been a good mom? In my own case, I think I would answer a parent who would be with me - without overwhelming me ... whether it was a dad who I could sit with, to read a book, or a mom who would listen to an adolescent dealing with hormones. And at neither age would I want my parent to be so intrusive that my friends would know how lucky I was to come from a loving home ...
12
@Rob Mills - Age birth to 18
Good dad - one who did not let mom chase him away
Good mom - one who did not hit me
1
It's difficult to imagine a situation in which you would do zero activities with your kid throughout the day, not even five minutes, unless you are leaving the house before they wake up and coming home after they are asleep (which I know is the case for some people). I understand that being low-income comes with all sorts of stresses, including greater health problems - we were very low-income when my son was born and I had health problems, postpartum depression, and both my husband and I were working full time. But of course there were five minutes to read or sing or play a game. It seems like something else is going on.
7
Why the word "intensive"--I don't think children appreciate anything "intensive" thrown their way. What children need is engagement--whether short or long the point is parents must make deliberate time for their children.
10
This is getting annoying. Ideal parenting is love your child, read to your child, talk to your child, love your child, introduce them to stuff - music, art, books, sports, hiking, swimming, schoolwork - set high standards, believe in them and support them as they grow up. Do not jump in and solve problems, talk to them and help them find their own solutions. Oh, and love them to the ends of the earth and back.
35
What patents do you know? All of the parents I know do all of those things.
1
Seems to me that you cannot define what good parenting looks like unless you define what a good person looks like. After all, isn’t the measure of a well rounded/well-raised child the quality or goodness of the adult she becomes? We have 5 or so generations of adults, from millennials through boomers, all raised with different thinking on what good parents look like, yet each generation has managed to produce a robust population of good people as well not so good, however you might define it. I’m 64 and there’s no doubt the current “experts” would be aghast at the way my friends and I were raised yet, most of the boomers came out ok. What’s the lesson, ignore the flavor of the month/year/generational advice on parenting and relax - just make sure your kids know how much you love them, do what you can to support them along the way and do everything you can to help them find happiness, whatever form that come in.
11
@Dvab Why do you say, "most of the Boomers came out ok"? Have you consulted their children???
3
So cannot live up to the idea. Was asked for a soccer picture of my son when he was young. Had none anywhere. Had to steal a picture from my mother.
5
Good parenting can be summarized in one question: is your child emotionally and intellectually ready to be an adult by the time they move out?
This idea of hyper parenting is simply unsustainable as the child transitions to adulthood. What sane, normal partner/roommate/friend will put up with a needy personality who expects undivided attention on demand? Because that is the expectation hyper parents establish for future relationships.
26
I don't know if it's hyper parenting, but I like spending time with my son, well over 20-30 minutes a day. It's hard with all the routines we need to do, but I can't imagine not playing with him, or watching a show with him, reading, etc. None of it seems like a task, and I can only imagine that it's helping his development at the same time.
9
Is your kid kind? Mannerly? Empathetic? Respectful? A good listener? Does he or she try his or her best in school? Is he or she respectful of grandparents, the elderly, and other relatives whose age, condition, and behavior merit it? Are they good to animals? Are they curious about others? Do they like learning and are they smart? (And no, this doesn’t mean they’re an “A” student.) Does the child have a decent work ethic? If the answer to all of these questions is yes, then congratulations: you’re a good parent.
36
My wife is a teacher in a low income school. It’s my opinion that parenting is essential to a child’s development. A good teacher is important, but no teacher can save a child from failing parents. My wife regularly receives pushback from low income parents when she makes suggestions on how the parents can help their kid succeed. Comments like “Don’t tell me how to raise my kid” and “He’s your problem when he’s in school” are common.
We did the liberal guilt thing and sent our daughter to the inner city school my wife works at instead of the school in our upper-middle class neighborhood. Big mistake. In the two years my daughter spent in that school, she had a depressingly large number of classmates who had parents in jail, who were abusive and parents who were completely absent from the child’s life. The kids with parents who simply ignored them after school were the lucky ones as many of the children had parents who were actively seeking to hurt the kids.
The behavior of the children often reflected the realities of their home life. Once a boy in my daughter’s class pulled down his pants and defecated in the middle of the book fair. My daughter was horrified. We had had enough. We pulled her from that school and she started second grade in our local school. She has blossomed ever since and now excitedly engages us in after school activities.
My wife’s passion is to help poverty children. But how much can be done when the parents just don’t care? I do not envy her job.
62
@Allan Even if the parents of the children your wife teaches do not care (or worse), at least the children have a teacher who cares. Sounds like your wife is doing her part to make the world a little bit better.
16
Stay off phone - frees up lots of time to be a parent.
44
@Steve I am an experienced teacher. Over the last 10 years my school has seen a dramatic increase in clinical anxiety in our students. Conversations we have had with them have shown that the time parents spend on their phones makes the children feel they aren't available to them. Th
is contributes to their debilitating anxiety.
12
A therapist I worked with said you can always tell good parents, in that they are the ones who worry if they are doing the right things, whereas those who claim to be great parents generally don't worry because they have it all nailed down and aren't good parents because of that. As parents, we worry about our kids, worry if we gave them what we could, gave them enough attention, and it is of course very easy to feel like we aren't doing enough , especially if we try comparing ourselves to other parents (which is problematic, due to my rule about good parents, the parents who seem to be the ideal parents to compare to are often the worse parents out there).
A friend who raised 4 kids who have done well and like each other, said that as a parent if the kid can tie their shoelaces and go to the bathroom by themselves by the time they leave home, you have done your job:).
10
@music observer LOL! Like my definition of success in nursery school - child can sit still during morning sharing time and not pinch their neighbor.
2
@music observer
Everyone in jail can do that.
everyone should go back and read Winnicott, who described the "good enough mother." A parent should be neither unresponsive in the presence of a child nor intrusive. in order to learn and grow children need a parent who knows when to leave them alone .
21
I often turn to other exhausted moms like myself and reassure them with the same message: “Are your children fed? Are they clean and warm? Do they have clothes that fit and a few toys? Do they know they’re loved? Then you’re the absolute best parent in the world. Everything else will fill in as it can, but you’re already succeeding at being a good parent.” I think we forget sometimes how terrible this world can be for a child who does not have a loving parent, trying their hardest. Just keeping a child healthy and happy is a huge accomplishment to be celebrated!
51
@Kat I would add, "Do they respect their parents and siblings and obey household rules, and make eye contact when spoken to?".
2
Why isn't the mother wearing a wedding ring?
Maybe she's the child's teacher, not her mother---but the article is about parental involvement, not about school.
3
@Jonathan Katz Maybe she's divorced. Maybe she was never married in the first place. Maybe she has a circulatory disorder and a ring would exacerbate the condition. The important thing is she's actually involved with the child. (Also it's a stock photo, so they're both probably just models anyway.)
22
@Jonathan Katz
Surprising but true - not all mothers are married, nor do all married people wear wedding rings.
18
@Jonathan Katz
Some people who are married do not wear wedding rings. It's not a crime, and it's also irrelevant. So why obsess over it?
10
I had always planned to be a stay-at-home mom, and was incredibly fortunate that I was able to do so with all three of my children. Because I looked at it at my job, I did spend active hours each day with the children (art projects, gardening, and reading can fill the day).
However, as part of my job, I built in "mommy breaks" when I would sit with my book, talk on the phone, or stare out the window with a cup of coffee. That was my time, and the kids knew that was their time to figure out something to do without me. As they grew, that time expanded so they became very good at keeping busy without my immediate supervision. It wasn't always exciting, but the benefits were substantial when they reached school age.
Would they have been the same had I not spent all that time with them? There's no way for me to know. I think overall, parents need to decide for themselves what they can give, and then commit to giving it as often as they are reasonably able. I think the majority of parents are doing the best they can given time constraints, stress, and lack of support.
26
I've noticed the hardest part of parenting is - other parents.
Our neighbors across the street have two young daughters roughly my child's age. We've lived next to them for four years. Not once - ever - has my child played with them. Their mother and father are standoffish and, whenever my daughter's toddled over to engage with their children, they whisk their tykes into the house for dinner, bath, etc. it's happend enough times that I know it's not just bad timing. They want nothing to do with us or my kid.
When I take my daughter to dance, swim class or the playground many of the parents are staring into their phones or give out a
"leave me alone" vibe. When I do manage to strike up a conversation it's often strained or "painfully polite." And, when my daughter likes a particular child, if ask if the parents if they'd like to meet at the playground for a "playdate" they act like i have two heads. I can count on two fingers how many paretts have takem me up on my offer in three years. Even when we pick up our daughter at school almost none of the parents talk to each other.
A friend of mine told me that "Yhey have no room in their lives for anyone else. All their social contacts are vetted so as not to encounter ANYONE who might make them uncomfortable." My wife and I are normal people, but it seems everyone is "curating" their lives to the extent that they and their children miss out on the opportunites for play and friendship right next to them.
89
@Bob I have a slightly different view than your friend. As a stay at home mom, when I take my 3 year old to a class or lesson (and he's aged out of parent-participation classes) that is my break time. I still actively watch him, but prefer not to be overly involved socializing with other parents. Not only am I tired from being available to my toddler constantly, if I get involved in an adult conversation I don't get to pay full attention to the progress or fun my child is having.
Also, as an introvert, I inwardly cringe at being asked to get together with other families if I'm not yet comfortable. It takes me some time before I feel like I'm ready to "move the relationship" to the next level of private playdate. In other words, it may not be you, it may be them.
22
@Bob This is incredibly sad. When I went to my grandson's water polo practice, I saw this same thing - all the parents bent over their phones, no one talking. And they have been doing this for YEARS with the same children/same parents!
My own children were swimmers and I can remember passing the time at innumerable swim practices and meets by talking to the other parents. I treasured some of the friendships I made that way!
What's wrong today that people must "vet" their friends? How about just striking up a conversation and finding out if one has anything in common?
21
@Bob Re: "Curating"... We are guilty of this with our son. He is in first grade now. For kindergarten, we sent him a few miles away to a Quaker school, with their mission toward building community a big part of our decision to go there. However, since all the school's students live all over our metro area, we never were able to feel that sense of community that drew us there. Over the summer, our son asked why he doesn't go to the same school as his friends in the neighborhood (which is one block away). We made the switch over the summer, and we are all much happier with the school in our true community.
21
in 2018 one of our sons died of alcohol related liver disease. He was 31. He was a functional alcoholic with no dui's or work problems. He drank instead of treating his type 2 bipolar.
So were we good parents? I think about this a lot. We supported his interests as when he was young. We had family trips and family games. I listened as best I could. We had joy with being with him. He and his dad has some communication issues but also had things they enjoyed doing together. He had friendships. We may gave missed the depth of his sensitivity and depression. He did well in school until the second half of freshman year in college. Things were up and down after that. Years of steady work but underlying self esteem issues and no follow through on treatment.
So what's the verdict? At my son's memorial several people got up and spoke about hard times they had and Andy was there to listen and give support. His coworkers had no idea he had issues and admired and liked him. We had to have been good parents because he was a great guy at heart. But also we had some failings. I guess we are humans doing the best we can.
So love your children. Take joy in them. Work and play together. Listen. Life is hard. You bring your own background to parenting because you are human, after all. We all are both children and parents.
172
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m not a psychologist but I just wanted to say that it sounds like your late son had a disease that wouldn’t have been affected by (and certainly not caused by) the parenting he grew up with. I think your question as to your parenting was rhetorical but I do hope you aren’t questioning yourself because it sounds to me like you both did a good job.
As parents we all do the best we can but these little souls we bring into the world have their own paths to follow... the best we can do is guide them when we can and hope for the best.
57
I’m sorry for your loss.
A good friend of mine from high school struggled with both depression and alcoholism. She was a loving, terrific friend and daughter. In no way did her illnesses keep her from bringing joy to a lot of the world. Her parents were, and are, magnificent. We lost her to suicide at age 40. The economic, psychodynamic, and medical wheels all hit bottom at the same time, and she couldn’t stay safe long enough for things to get better. I grieve terribly for her still. But her death wasn’t her parents’ fault: and your son’s death isn’t yours.
40
Thank you for your kind comments. Yes, we have blamed ourselves and gone over it again and again alone and together. We always come to the conclusion we did the best we could and he had an illness but the heart lags the brain. I think the loss is so great that we want to think we can change it. Slowly we are coming to peace about it though the pain is for always. It helps to have you all point out we were not to blame. Thank you.
11
We need to stop equating education with income. There is a correlation between education and inherited wealth. There really isn't much of a correlation between education and work-related income any longer. Many low-income parents are very well-educated and spend a great deal of time teaching their children.
41
This is such an important point.
2
@india
True. A Ph.D. is disqualifying for so many jobs.
Yes I am serious.
An omission is lying on app and at any rate leaves a hole you could throw a cat through.
Numerous, simultaneously. If one could manage.
1
I am only good at a few things as a parent - and it feels really good to be honest about that.
Two new things that I am finding effective - more chores around the house make my teenager more invested in our family and our home because he is investing his time in making it look and feel better. Second, with school, when he needs to address something that's going on with a class or a teacher- I ask simple questions: how are you going to advocate for yourself? What is your responsibility here? These two things have made a small sea change in our high school teen-rearing. A third thing that is completely different- when our son broke his arm this spring, the doctor gave an opiate prescription for pain because the resetting was very aggressive. I spoke with another doctor friend who recommended layering Tylenol and Advil instead - and that worked completely fine. Please research and explore options to opiates in the event of an injury.
One last thought: so many of us question ourselves because it is so rare that someone compliments a parent to say hey, you did a really good job with that. Try to recognize your own small victories, especially when your child shows that they're doing something independent, that shows responsibility and growth, and a passion for learning.
Best of luck to all parents out there - questioning, well, almost everything!
63
One thing I learned as a parent is to do things that you enjoy with your child when possible. I am not big into puzzles and art projects. But, I enjoyed reading with my daughter, taking short nature walks together, and playing/caretaking with our pets. The most important thing in my view is that you are truly "present" and interacting with the child, i.e. not thinking about something else, or distracted. You can be present in a variety of activities---it doesn't have to all be super mom things like elaborate art projects.
34
1) Mom and Dad in same house.
2) Mom and Dad have same last name.
3) Dad works to support family.
4) Mom stays home with kids until they're in school.
5) Mom and Dad stay together.
Simple plan, but very effective.
11
@Steve Had exactly what you wrote. Didn't work so well for us. Four now adult children all with problems and two with serious issues. Functional? Yes. Happy and healthy no.
28
@Steve
I think that an important part of being a good parent is promoting the ideals of equality, not sexism.
56
@Steve - That simplistic, ritualistic adherence to a formula probably lulls parents into believing that they're helping their children, when they are just sort of floating through life in roles that they've blindly accepted.
If your child regularly comes to you with real, deep issues that makes them vulnerable to your punishment (which you don't implement, obviously), then you're doing a great job. If you're measuring success by your formula alone, then you're likely missing out on who your children actually are and want to be.
15
I don't have kids, and friends sometimes ask me to babysit. I've stopped agreeing, not because I dislike spending time with kids (I enjoy many kids) but I'm shocked by the amount of hands-on time that my friends spend intensively entertaining their children. As a result, their children seem to incapable of entertaining themselves. When I was a teenager (many years ago) I remember babysitting mostly involved overseeing the kids and making sure they didn't play in the street or kill each other, while I usually read or did homework. I would occasionally toss a ball with them in the yard, or admire pictures they were drawing or whatever. But now, kids expect me to join in their games constantly and spend everyone second with them. It is exhausting and frankly not at all fun.
97
@Sarah While I agree that many people over-parent (and I can name someone I know whose kids absolutely cannot entertain themselves due to this problem), with babysitting I do think it's a little different and hard to judge. Kids are often excited to have a babysitter and see the babysitter as more of a playmate. My son is really good at entertaining himself, and often wants to be left alone to do his own thing, but not when there's a babysitter, from what I can tell.
17
Kids want to play with the babysitter.
2
It was interesting to see actual numbers quantifying the amount of time involved in “hyper-parenting.” I read all these articles about how parents today spend all their time enriching their kids, and I never could quite figure out how a household like that would work. There’s so much more work to do than just playing with your kids all day! It’s good to see that the hyper-parenting stereotype is really just a myth. Tho I wonder what counts in those minute tallies.
17
I think it’s uncontroversial to say a big part of parenting is teaching, which can take many forms, but requires some - often a lot - thought and effort. Whether it’s taking the time to answer a question with patience. Or drawing with a child when it’s very inconvenient to do so. It’s all those little moments, over the course of many years, that shape a child.
It’s especially challenging for parents today, as many do not have the sort of support many in previous generations took for granted - extended family close by, real friends and neighbors, community. As parents become more isolated themselves, no wonder more is expected of them to take the place of the larger communal net that would benefit both children and parents.
17
While working in Marin I came across a mom at a store who reflexively just "talked" to her kid. Very clearly an attempt to ensure her kid "heard" enough words to get the step up in school that is such the goal. Only issue is that it was one sided. She wasn't paying attention to the kid's responses, she was just yammering, oh, look at that blue toy. That one's red (pointing). Narrating the entire shopping trip. It came across as exhausting. Kid was an infant, probably about a year old, maybe a little younger.
My style by contrast was to pay attention to the kid, and talk to the kid about what they were interested in, if they were. But man, it was exhausting shopping in the same isle as that woman, let alone be her kid. She'd get high marks on this study though.
41
When parents talk about being constantly judged, it’s things like this that they are referring to. So she was taking a lot to her kid—so what? That’s not your style but that’s ok. There’s no need to silently judge her for not meeting your (obviously) superior parenting philosophy.
28
@Jen So sad that you were so judgmental against that mother! She was just trying to be the best mother she could be...and I'm sure there is a study out there that proves the more you talk to your kid, the greater their vocabulary later on. Anyhow...I just believe in celebrating the parents who are clearly trying hard.
6
She likes talking to her infant. Leave her alone.
We do not treat parents well in this country. The United States is one of the only developed countries without paid maternal leave for childbirth. Many can't afford to take unpaid leave from their jobs at a crucial time for a family. New parents then find themselves struggling to find high quality childcare that is affordable.
If we value children and families, it's time to invest in them. Paid maternal leave, affordable high quality childcare, free high quality pre schools, and excellent public schools for every child, no matter where you live should be the norm in a wealthy country like ours. An election is coming- where do the candidates stand on issues that affect families?
87
@Edie Clark You can bet issues regarding children and family will get short mention if any in the next
Democratic debate as they did in the first ones. As far the coming general election the same neglect of this issues in actual questions from moderators is to be expected. But evverybody will have to raise their hand about promising health care for illegal immigrants or some other issue that is far less relevant and involves far fewer people big and little.
2
Love, empathy and emotional support are of course core to good parenting. Also responsibility to provide food, housing etc. And teaching children kindness and respect.
But in the U.S. the idea of good parenting has been hijacked by our corporate and consumer-focused society. Too many people have come to believe that acquisition/“buying stuff” - oodles of toys, clothing non-stop, expensive sneakers etc - is the mark of good parenting.
33
If your child grows up and is kind, compassionate, and has empathy for other then you are an awesome parent.
177
@Karen Thank you for saying this. I agree wholeheartedly.
8
This is why schools cannot close the achievement gap unless they design a school day (optional) that keeps kids at school longer and provides the extra help they need. I live in Greenwich which has a significant achievement gap despite spending 50 percent more on the under achieving schools which have the same curriculum and teaching. The difference seems to be in the home. The high achieving schools tend to have a large body of college educated type A parents and a network of expensive tutors. The under achieving schools tend to have non-college educated parents whom both work. Time to stop wasting money on Obo lessons and keep the kids at school for both enrichment and extra help. It just might work yet conservatives see this as government-day care and liberals don’t like the idea that money (family income) makes a difference. Both are wrong, both continue to pursue failed policies and no one trys the obvious. Welcome to the decline of education.
7
@glp5 Obo? Do you mean Oboe? If so, I have to point out that many public schools offer music lessons and will provide instruments for use in school music programs if the family cannot afford to buy or rent them. My son went through 8 years of band from elementary through high school - including committing to early morning jazz band practice from 7th grade on. He learned not just music but commitment to making it to 6:45 am practice on time, playing at school events and fundraisers, teamwork with his fellow band members, and so much more - I call that enrichment! He's off to college to study engineering now and expects to continue with music only as a hobby, but his experience certainly helped him get into college as well.
13
@glp5
I don't think music lessons are ever wasted - there's studies out there showing a link between learning to play an instument and other academic abilities. And as L Wolf notes, it includes socialization and acquiring self-discipline. They are a plus -- but a lot of underfunded schools have dropped programs. (Probably not Greenwich)
As to the main point - yes - especially in areas where students are not performing well --school days should be expanded to provide more formal and informal help, and a place where a kid can work in comfort and safety. Or even play awhile.
I also remember my shock when I learned that it was typical for high school students to be dismissed by 2 PM, since in the ice age, my own rural school kept us to about 3:45. The physical structures of schools are really underutilized ( we won't even get into summers). I see them as potential essential community centers.
Some students are released so early that there are long unsupervised stretches after school, while the instructional part of the day is crammed into a few hours.
5
@cheryl - I only went half a day for my senior year. I had already knocked off so many credits my first three years that all I had to do was basically show up for half the time to graduate. I switched frm a private Lutheran school to a public high school and it felt like I was in class with a bunch of middle school age kids.
1
On an Oprah episode there was a mother who had passed away and before she did she took her young daughter to Disney World. Oprah asked this little girl what her favorite memory of her mother was. The little girl responded, "When my mother would brush my hair." As I raised my daughter, I always kept that story close to mind. It is those small, tender moments with your child that they may remember most fondly. At the end of each day we need to be forgiving of ourselves and say 'on this particular day, in this particular moment I did the best that I could do.'
209
Let's not forget the children who are not being parented at all. As a social worker for the past quarter century, it is utterly heartbreaking to me that I have seen two full generations drop out of school, not get jobs, engage in petty street crimes, neglect their children, and fail to set any standards of behavior from creating a safe, loving home (consistent bedtimes, nutritious meals) to doing homework and reading every night to participating in healthy middle childhood activities (rec leagues, art classes) to staying in school for that diploma. We need to make a serious investment in teaching parents how to parent. Not just “support families” with affordable daycare. I mean we need to teach parents how to raise their children in their own homes. Sure, this offends the sensibilities of some, but I am convinced that it is possible to create a “best practices” parenting manual that would work for any faith, race, and philosophy. What is happening in the underbelly is parents have given up and are either so discouraged or incompetent that they quit raising their own children. Moreover, those children are growing up with no behavioral compass. These youth and young adults have grown up without structure or expectations and are looking to other wayward peers for community. And in some cases, those groups of wayward youth are being influenced by menacing adults who know exactly what they are doing – from drug to human trafficking.
113
what concerns me is this idea that we as parents need to immediately react and control and direct.
there is no one way to parent as there is not some universally agreed upon sense of values. But what we need to consider is how complex our kids are even at age 2 ... so even if its at half attention, in the car, on your laptop, while trying to catch up on some Netflix -- just try to have a sense of them and who they are in that moment before you respond.
make them feel heard and valued.
sometimes that might mean sensitivity, support. Others, a snarky dig ... but just be there with them in that moment. and also be yourself. Cause really that presence and visceral reply will make them feel like they matter, and likely lead to a much more interesting interaction for both sides.
10
@shairao\
I read that part in two ways then settled on an understanding that what parents SAID was what they thought was the right response based on their internalized ideas of what the "best" parent is supposed to do -- but it isn't what they do in real life. Which is probably fortunate. Ordering kids around isn't the idea.
But as you point out they also don't spend enough quiet moments fully present with their youngsters - which is a sad thing
2
Every parent wants the best for their children no matter which type of society they hail from - Eastern or Western. My parents immigrated to this country with my brother and me from Hong Kong to give us a chance at a better life, with more educational opportunities. They had to work hard and keeping a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs were their primary focus.
When my kids were younger (one's in college and one's close to college), I spent time reading to them and taking them to activities like swimming, soccer, etc. Those were things I never did but thought my kids should have a chance to do. It was hard to work and schedule activities, especially with a special needs child in the mix. There's no perfect way of parenting. We all do the best we can with what we have. Parents love their kids and want to give them every advantage possible.
12
You're asking the wrong question. A "good" parent is judged by how well your kid makes it in the world. It is a retroactive assessment. If your children all start well paying careers and are self sufficient you've been a good parent, whatever that took. Nowadays it's harder for kids to reach that goal, so parenting has adjusted according to make it more likely. It's not about the childhood period itself, as the results later.
7
@kas I concur. When people issue that generalized statement, "You have amazing kids," I always ask them to check in with me in 15 more years. That will be the true test. It might not necessarily be a well paid career because we have a strong tendency towards the arts. However, if they are able to function in the real world, have meaningful relationships, and a sufficient ability to self-support, I will be pleased. I'm using Rudyard Kipling's "If" as my guideline.
6
What seems to be missing here is any discussion of what kind of interactions are being *outsourced*. Obviously, more kids from college-educated (read, "wealthier") families are doing things after school that enrich them in the same ways doing them with their parents might: reading, art, sports, music, whatever...
Certainly, there's presumably something to be said for spending quality time with parents, but I doubt it much matters what you are doing. Could be bonding over a TV show or video game (hardly considered "educational"). But if you're looking at the activities described here, I can't see why doing them without the parent wouldn't still be quite valuable. And, also, representative of "intensive care."
12
What’s missing from this article is a critical look at whether “intensive parenting” is actually beneficial for children. The article establishes that people think it’s beneficial, points out that virtually no parent is actually achieving the ridiculous standards we’ve somehow all agreed on, and then jumps directly to how parents can try to meet those standards anyway. Of course it’s going to be harmful to completely ignore your children, but there’s a huge gulf between total neglect, and dropping everything to colour with your child at the slightest hint that they might want you to. There is evidence that sending your child outside to play on their own, letting them be bored, and saying “no” sometimes is crucial to development.
165
Sure glad I raised my children before these annoying nags came around to tell me I was wrong.
Sure glad I was raised before these annoying nags came around to tell my parents they were doing it wrong, although Dr. Spock's book did.
18
@JND Dr. Spock's book was practically my mothers' bible, except for the discipline sections. She was much stricter then him!
5
@Moira Rogow - My mother was a bipolar, former Marine who decided that my brother and me needed to benefit from all of her Corps training. So, she literally turned our childhood home into Parris Island Boot Camp. If you asked mom for a hug, she was likely to tell you to join the Navy. And she taught me how to go through tear-gas when I was 15.
I wish we had Dr. Spock in my home:)
3
Can’t wait for all the boomers that come to comment about how in the good old days children would run wild and Millenials are ruining parenthood...while failing to reflect on the fact that Millenials learned how to parent observing their boomer parents mistakes.
10
The mistake boomer parents made was that they tried to give their kids everything they felt they themselves had missed out on.
It isn't unheard of. After all, my parents, children during the Depression, wanted me to have what they couldn't. I am one of the younger boomers.
And their parents came to America so that their children-to-be could have better lives than they would have on their respective Greek mountaintops. That's how parenting works, at least in Western society. You try to do better for your kids.
It's "boomer parents' mistakes," by the way. A snide, ungenerous comment requires meticulous punctuation.
42
@IMF, many millennials I know of including my own kids, do not want to bring kids into a world where climate change has killed species, melted ice caps and causes havoc in nature. They are very clear they won’t have children because it is not fair to them in this polluted world. I was at first appalled at this line of thinking and worldview but then I am slowly able to see their point of view. There are plenty of children waiting to be adopted should these young folks want to experience parenting.
9
This is a tangent, but as an adoptive parent: adoption takes years, and tens of thousands of dollars, and incredible scrutiny into every corner of your lives. It is not some kind of merit-badge to be acquired for the purposes of virtue-signaling. Those who adopt successfully are desperate to be parents, and willing to sacrifice years of their lives, any semblance of privacy, and $30- $50K to achieve that status. So let’s not pretend it’s some kind of liberal checkbox to be ticked off en route to green canonization.
7
Parents should be aware of their emotions when interacting with their children, especially when the situation is stressful. You want to be aware of your feelings, especially if you are being overtaken with anger, frustration and resentment.
It is when children are at their worst that they need parents the most and it's when they tend to be be most sensitive to their parents' emotional state. It is a matter of self-awareness, aka mindfulness.
46
No time, and your kid wants to draw with you? Take 5 pieces of paper, quickly draw 5 dramatically-different squiggles, and challenge the kid to turn each into a drawing.
Give them another 5 blank pieces, and ask them to leave you their squiggles, that you will turn into drawings, for them, when you have a few spare minutes.
Or start a full set of "Exquisite Corpse" fold-down drawings, to be handed off to other family members over the course of a couple of days.
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. @JFS - love the squiggle idea - it's brilliant! but I'm embarrassed to say I have no idea what you mean by exquisite corpse!
@common sense advocate One person draws the head, folds the paper down to show just the stub of a neck. Next person draws shoulders and arms, folds down. The next gets belly to top of legs (and maybe some hands, depending on arm position). Then legs, then feet. The final person gets to name it. Then you unfold. Human, creature, fancy clothing, fur, feathers, extra eyes or limbs--all fine. If there are a lot of people, you can divide head into hat, then head, and there can be landscape under the feet. Surrealists either invented or popularized the idea of passing along a creative work blindly (involving both sentences and drawings). Therefrom, the name.
Contemporary reality makes it hard even for middle class families to find time to spend together on a regular basis. When both parents need to work full time to support the family, and have long commutes (so they can afford a home, because the farther the cheaper), and kids are young and need early bedtimes, there's no time left to interact except for the weekends. I don't draw or play with my kids on week days - there simply is no time - and it makes me sad to watch their childhoods flutter away while somebody else is drawing with them. At our family we do, however, turn "maintenance time" into "quality time" to make up for it. When the kids were babies, diaper changing time was prime interaction time. Peekaboo games, tickling games, lots of talking. Now they're preschool age and our best conversations happen on the toilet. It adds up. Then I make a point to make up for it on the weekends.
One trend I've noticed is that the grown up children of busy low-income parents want to make up for it once they have kids themselves. My mom worked two jobs to support us and never had time to read or play with us. She was also chasing the perfect housewife standard of a spotless house, in addition to those jobs, so washing curtains came ahead of the kids on her priority list. Now I don't care how messy my house is, I never wash curtains and play with my kids instead. My weekends are theirs. Not because I want to be perfect, but because I don't want them growing up with the same regrets.
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@Nefertiti My father was in the army and spent years away from us. When he was with us he was gone in the morning and back at night when we were in bed. Still, I have happy memories of doing things with him, like reading to him while he laid on the couch or later, a special Sunday morning watching Casa Blanca on TBS. My mother also worked and I was a latch key kid, as they used to say. I remember going over my vocabulary list as she ironed. I'm not sure it's what you do, as much as how you do it?
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Interesting and probably true insight. I (we) struggled while raising both of my (our) girls but in the end realized I (we) was doing the best I (we) could with what I (we) had.
Try not to judge anyone but be willing to help, etc.
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What makes a good parent? Let’s start with someone who wants to be a parent in the first place.
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