I would like to recommend the book "Inheritance" by Dani Shapiro to Name Witheld as it deals precisely with this issue. Let me alert you that it was amazingly easy for the author to locate her biological father who was a medical student. Once they get over the initial shock of how they were conceived and why it was kept from them, I hope your daughters will come to see how much you and your husband wanted them and that's the real take-away here.
7
"This 'omission bias' suggests we feel that we own certain harms (those our actions cause) and not others (those we could have prevented)."
This bias results from not realizing that inaction is also an action, or the false evaluation of inaction as of "lesser" magnitude than action. It's a common sensical kind of evaluation error, even though we all see multitudinous examples of the error almost every day. Certainly anyone who has played or watched sports knows that inaction at the wrong time can be as bad or even worse than taking some action, even if it wasn't the best possible action. When one knows that, in a situation, there are actions that can be taken or not taken, one is equally responsible for taking or not taking action. The other part of the error, in such a situation, is assuming 100% of the responsibility for the outcome, whatever you choose.
In the case of a slipping contractor, how would you feel if someone died because of some freak accident directly caused by his shoddy work, someone that would still be alive if you had just given warning? At such times, I try to err on the side of creating, promoting, or allowing the least amount of misinformation in the "system", which can be said alternately as "honesty is the best policy".
1
Re LW3:
This comment is for you or anyone else who has or is contemplating adoption, artificial insemination, surrogate, etc.
What makes you believe keeping this secret will not be revealed? Why would you not celebrate the arrival of your child with a story that demonstrates how much you wanted to be a parent.
My wife and I celebrated our son’s adoption with him. He was proud he was adopted and the story of his arrival.
I strongly suggest you consider if revealing this is a problem for you. If so, this could be a signal you might not be ready to be a parent in a non traditional manner.
3
Keeping parentage a secret is "deceitful", even if that is not the intent. My wife adopted my son whose birth mother abandoned us when he was one. When he was old enough to know the truth, I took him for a drive to a lake and we sat in the moonlight and I told him the truth. I told him his Mother had chosen to be his mother. He is an adult today and still loves her as his Mother, and though given the opportunity to meet his birth mother (I had a good idea where she was) he has never accepted the offer. I believe to have waited to tell him when he was an adult, or for him to have learned from some other source, would have been more of an emotional blow than learning while still young and resilient and needing his Mother for all that a mother provides a child.
17
In answer to the first question : Of course you are obligated to alert your neighbors that the contractor is no longer reliable ,particularly as you have often referred neighbors to this contractor. You owe that to your neighbors, given your prior personal referrals to this contractor, who may rely on your prior recommendation and hire him, only to find themselves with a contractor who is too impaired to do the job for which he has been hired. You may have had the ability to take over managing the project yourself, and to find other means of completing the project. That doesn't mean that your neighbors will be other to do that, or should have to. Protecting one person at a cost to your neighbors is not fair. If I were you. I would write a factual review of your recent negative experience, along with your prior positive experiences. I would omit the references to drinking and personal problems. Given that you know his family, and that he has suffered from personal challenges, are you planning to speak to him ?
To the second questioner : Of course you should tell your daughter ,while her sister may have told her already. Your daughter should not be burdened with keeping this secret from her sister.
Your daughter will find out someday.Please tell her immediately. It will be worse if she finds out from a DNA test, or from her sister.
8
I would remove the positive review post if that is possible, as it's no longer accurate, and tell the truth if asked for a reference. This happened to me, and I had to sue the contractor in court - a nightmare.
6
My moto is "do no harm." Just say nothing, unless asked, and when asked, simply say "I have had good and bad experiences." Elaborate no further.
11
@100Morein2♀️2♀️
This is a cop-out reply. By replying in this fashion, you may be doing more harm than if you took some affirmative action to at least inform those who have requested your review in the past and provide the truth of your current experience to any who ask you in the future, unless and until you know that the contractor has reestablished his dependability in his business dealings. Whether to writer amends or updates her written past review would be more optional.
LW1: Post no new reviews. But if asked privately, tell the truth, diplomatically.
LW2: Tell the truth.
18
Yes, we all have problems!
Contractor issue:
It sounds as though he may be suffering. First of all, he is a human being, secondly a contractor. Talk to him gently. If he owes you money, address that also. No need for recriminations.
Go into NextDoor and delete your recommendation. Done. You have no responsbility beyond that unless someone should personally ask you about the work. If they do, no need to eviscerate the man. Just say "You might want to look elsewhere."
This life is difficult. People hurt, no matter their roles and titles.
Whenever I contract with anyone for work I ask then for three recommendations and also a written/signed contract. The burden is on whoever is getting ready to spend money for the job.
24
@hotGumption
I agree. I think the ethicist's recommendation is harsh on someone who is going through a bad moment in life and might recover in the future. Deleting the recommendation is enough to divorce oneself form responsibility. Moreover, an old recommendation is only this: an old recommendation.
2
Contractor: Burn him publicly. It's that simple. My son has worked alongside contractors with alcohol and drug problems and he has described them only one way: DANGEROUS.
2
Contractor issue:
It sounds as though he may be suffering. First of all, he is a human being, secondly a contractor. Talk to him gently. If he owes you money, address that also. No need for recriminations.
Go into NextDoor and delete your recommendation. Done. You have no responsbility beyond that unless someone should personally ask you about the work. If they do, no need to eviscerate the man. Just say "You might want to look elsewhere."
This life is difficult. People hurt, no matter their roles and titles.
Whenever I contract with anyone for work I ask then for three recommendations and also a written/signed contract. The burden is on whoever is getting ready to spend money for the job.
3
I was adotped in 1957 and there was never a time I did not know I was adopted. I have always accepted that fact and it has never caused me the slightest distress. Keep parentage a secret is a terrible idea.
11
Re: the drunkard contractor. The Ethicists response reads like the product of a long winded attorney. The underlying cause(s) are unimportant. The contractor is a businessman and in any relationship which him on that basis, his professionalism, workmanship and integrity are all that matter. As far as an updated review, put into it the same effort and vigor that you did for the glowing review and word of mouth in the past. No more and no less. That would represent the integrity of both yourself AND the review site. Not to mention that a bad contractor can cause huge financial damage (not to mention frustration and disruption) to a customer.
5
Is it ethical to remove past reviews that reflect the superior quality of the work he did do? I don't think so. I wouldn't post new ones . People searching for contractors who research and read carefully might get the message. I would talk with him, tell him why and see where the conversation goes.
1
I'm surprised that LW#2 was caught unawares. These testing kits, and the stories about their surprise revelations, have been around for several years. At this point anyone who reads the Times and is holding on to a genetic secret has to know it will come out some day and should be prepared to get ahead of the story.
7
In response to the first ethical question: This contractor has given you good service over the last decade but his work has slipped after a family tragedy. It is quite possible that he will recover from his current emotional state and become reliable once again. The good reviews you gave him represented a particular point in time. Anyone can change over time (age, health) and there is no way to say your review will be valid for forever. If you write a negative report based on your recent experience, you may effect his business and his family’s standing in the local community. I would refrain from posting a negative review because online reviews last forever and could do longterm damage. NextDoor allows you to delete your previous posts if you feel that is necessary.
8
Why did LW1 hire the contractor knowing he had a personal tragedy YEARS AGO and suffered mental health and alcohol problems in the first place? Now s/he is surprised there are problems? LW1 should've interviewed 3 contractors for the job & included the neighbor as a courtesy if s/he felt obligated. The problem here is that LW didn't act responsibly in making a hiring decision & now seeks to publicize the failings of the contractor.
3
@knitfrenzy
Perhaps you skipped over the first two sentences.
"A general contractor who lives in my neighborhood has done several projects for us over the last decade. He has been honest, reliable and competitively priced, and he has delivered quality work."
3
@Laura
In the intervening period, he had a personal tragedy that caused mental health & alcohol abuse problems about which LW1 knew. He's had them for a "few years."
There is no indication that any thought was given as to the wisdom of hiring someone who had for years suffered mental illness, substance abuse, and unspecified problems who could be incompetent at best and dangerous at worst. The quality of work he did before his catastrophe is irrelevant.
1
I respectfully disagree with the ethicist on writer no. 1. Pillory of troubled people on Nextdoor is not a societal obligation. Human beings can overcome their obstacles. But an internet complaint is available to society forever. Talk to the contractor and tell him your concerns about his work. Have this conversation in person, not on a neighborhood website. Remember that you live in a modern and compassionate society, not the
Scarlett Letter.
12
What's the point of leaving a review of any kind if you're not providing relevant information for someone else to consider? A bad restaurant experience on Yelp doesn't sink the business if they were having an off day. On the other hand, choosing a bad contractor can actually have catastrophic consequences for the customer. Whitewashing poor performance doesn't help anyone.
5
Re contractor:
I’d calm down, talk to him -and post a short review. Something along the lines of:
Long term dependable contractor recently hired for a new project. Quality of associates work excellent (if it was), (give example) level of oversight unacceptable (if it was & give example) Knows his stuff & has the contacts but needs to get back on track re: project management (or whatever it was you felt him deficient in).
If I was looking for a contractor I’d read that review, meet him, interview him, check his work with past clients (all of which Id do for anyone I was considering hiring) and if all else was good, agree with him how to manage the issue.... and track it, and what to do if it looked to be veering off track. Communication is key right across all of these relationships. This is honest & truthful, gives people on the blog valid info with which to consider their needs & gives him a wake up call and a chance to improve.
Its obvious you ‘chat’ with him where he admitted to ‘having a beer’ didn’t do the trick as you did not report an improvement.
3
After moving to France I waited three years before building my own home in order to get the lay of the land.
My three year landlord, who is French, informed me that the French are crooks and that he had been cheated in construction himself.
Despite this, I hired a building contractor who seemed honest and forthright but who later turned out to be dishonest and overcharged my wife and I for the house.
I’ve tried to warn other expats about this cheating contractor but to little avail.
2
What did people do before the advent of online reviews? Do that.
16
I have been connecting with relatives discovered on Ancestry and 23andme for a couple of years. It is astonishing how many were not fathered by the man they believed to be their father. In most cases, however, the fertilization, often dating back decades, was accomplished by traditional means, meaning that the mother either did not know for sure or wouldn't have told anyone if she did.
3
I'm a NextDoor user too, and I see a problem with the advice given. It is more honest and fair in my opinion to sit down with the contractor and speak to him about the ways he failed to fulfill the expectations on this current job before taking other actions on social media. Give him a chance to apologize and offer to refund the portion of the job that you took over and had to redo. If he is defensive and denies problems, then you know you cannot let your friends and acquaintances rely on his past reputation. If he apologizes and admits his failures on this job with an offer to make you whole, it is only fair to tell him you don't feel comfortable recommending him to others because of the change in his professional behaviors and you can't personally hire him again unless he takes steps to correct his current problems. Tell him his drinking is out of control. He knows it is. I think it is fair to give him time to view this conversation as a wake up call and you will know the outcome before revising your social media reviews.
25
YES! Of course talk to your contractor/neighbor and tell him your concern for him and your dilemma about referring him. That’s the FIRST thing any professional advice giver should say. This gives him the respect he has earned over the years and a chance to look at himself and take action. If his reaction is hostile, you know what to do.
5
I THINK people are more likely to complain than praise on review sites, and readers are more likely to worry about complaints than choose someone because of praise. So I think there's an asymmetry between negative and positive reviews, and being hesitant to write a negative review is a legitimate way to counteract that asymmetry.
13
For the first writer, I think this is a situation that demands actual human conversations, not a social media solution. The urge to tell the internet about other people's failings is, on the whole, one that I think we should all resist. Talk to the contractor. Talk to the people you have referred him to. If you have left positive reviews on Nextdoor, maybe you can delete them; but please don't shame your neighbor online.
99
And one other thing. I've never needed any body else's help in sinking my own boat. I doubt if the contractor needs their help in angering in, but hopefully, he catches himself before impact.
2
To the questioners in both cases: How would you want to be treated? There are your answers.
28
Is he a friend of yours? I've been there and I've known those guys also, but...........do you think he might get over it? I realize that it can be hard to tell, but I made it back and I know several people that have made it back, but probably 3 times more that didn't make it back. But.......do you want to make it so he can't find work, to guarantee that he doesn't make it back? I wouldn't work him any more, but I wouldn't sink his boat completely either, unless you like that sort of thing.
30
Re; the two daughters.....if they'd been adopted, surely you'd have told them the information at a young age, so wouldn't ever be a "big, dark secret"....
So why is it different to tell them how they were conceived?
It shouldn't be and they deserve to be able to find out who their biological father was in terms of their own curiosity and also to find out about any family issues that may be inheritable.
14
@RLiss Not necessarily true. My husband didn't find out he was adopted until he was 7 or 8 and then it was never discussed. At the time (the 80s) his parents thinking was "well you are our child so we don't want to alienate you by reminding you all the time that you are adopted". Of course this approach backfired. DNA test or not there is just no benefit to keeping these kinds of secrets from your kids. The secrecy declares that the truth is not preferable, that it is better to not be adopted or conceived with donor DNA. The idealization of a certain type of birth story is the problem.
6
I used a contractor from my neighborhood due to raves from other neighbors. After a disastrous big project and her failing dismally, these neighbors confessed to me that there had been "problems" but since they were members of the same country club, they felt obliged to rave about her. Gee, thanks a bunch!
Remove the recommendations and if someone asks, share your experience. If he gets his act together again, positive recommendations will appear; if he doesn't they won't.
Family secrets are rarely a good idea and nearly always end up coming out in the long run.
33
@India It was the same thing with my orthodontist. Friend of my parents.
Regarding the contractor issue, this article, as most articles in this column, fails to address any ethical issues. It is a fine analysis of the problem from the psychological viewpoint but never addresses ethics. Why not call it "Modern Advice" so something instead of "The Ethicist"?
31
First, speak frankly to the contractor. It sounds like you could do that. Then decide on withdrawing your recommendation and possibly posting a negative review.
12
Regarding lineage of the daughters, adjust your behavior and communication for the way things are today. Don’t continue the wrong patterns of many decades ago. Of course you must tell the sister. And you could let go of hanging on to beliefs from the very far past. Think of how this news impacts your daughters in today’s times. That’s more important.
Regarding the contractor I woulda not post on Nextdoor. Why not have a conversation with the contractor? The ethicist suggests the contractor could learn to improve if he sees negative info in public. But why not share the info he could use to improve, privately? Then delete all your previous reviews. And have private conversations with the people who previously hired him, if you felt you must save your own reputation. You sound like you want to ruin this person’s reputation to save yours. But here’s the thing to consider: this contractor could improve. But your negative reviews and comments in social media will live on. What then? Would you consider removing the negative comments then? I would just erase all your mentions of him on social media. His family is already struggling, he is struggling, and lingering reputation problems on social media can get ugly — forever! Why do that to this person. If you’re concerned about your previous recommendations, just talk personally with the people who got your recommendations. I am positive you can search for your past Nextdoor posts and delete them.
47
If the contractor does indeed improve, that should be reflected in future reviews by the writer and others who use his services at a later date. In fact, the date of a review affects my use of them particularly when older comments lean one way and newer posts the other.
2
Re: Donor Insemination
Tell your children the truth. Parents now,who with hold this information, are being irresponsible. Your kids will find out. If you are alive, they will wonder why you didn’t trust them enough to tell them the truth. If you are dead, you will smash their trust in you, their memories of their familial relationship with you and anyone else left after your death. Some of them will never recover their equilibrium.
14
Big mistake - it’s called defamation, and it’s actionable, i.e., the contractor can sue you for damages.
5
@Jane Doe
Not if it's true.
In order to sue for defamation of character, it's not enough that somebody express or publish a defamatory statement. There must also be real damage caused by the statement. Defamation of character occurs when someone makes a false statement about you that causes you some type of harm.
18
@Julio in Denver
to be accurate, disparaging one's ability to earn a living is defamation per se. No need to show damages.
Not defamation if it is evidence based fact(s) not opinion. But, in America, anyone can sue for anything, so long as you have the bucks to pay for it.
If the contractor is a neighbor and his family is known to OP, why not start with a gentle talk, maybe with his wife, maybe with him. Erase past positive reviews but don't post new negative ones. The man is having enough trouble as it is. If he asks you to serve as a reference, that would be a great time to talk to him. We have become so afraid of talking honestly with one another face-to-face, it's really a shame.
41
This is why business and friends and family should not be mixed. The writer’s relationship is twofold and each should stand on its own. Keep in mind too, that the contractor is just as obligated to the writer to not abuse their social relationship. And further, he’s a grown man for goodness sake and his personal experiences should never enter into his work product. Ever.
2
People who are not self employed, if fortunate to work for a company that supports its workers, can take short term disability leave or family medical leave to deal with problems and seek help. Independent workers of all types, including ones YOU employ, usually don't have that option, and must work to maintain income regardless of personal hardship or illness. I do appreciate how many people have posted thoughtful comments, including addressing the negative power of social media, which thankfully does not yet have reviews from bosses and coworkers for traditional jobs-yet! The original poster could have simply terminated the contract when the problems began. This after the fact worry seems vindictive.
5
I wondered if the person who wrote in about the contractor was simply struggling with pride. S/he gave advice that proved to be wrong, and that can be embarrassing. Maybe it's a personal issue and not an ethical problem.
13
Victim blaming finds a new level.
2
LW 1 - Don't post the review - you don't owe it to any online community. Instead, let the people to whom you have already recommended the contractor know that your recommendation no longer stands (not for the time being), discuss the work with the contractor, and don't recommend or use them anymore unless you hear or see evidence that things have changed.
LW 2 - it seems naive not to have predicted this, and also strange not to have told the daughters sooner, especially given that most doctors ask for family histories of illness for a reason.
15
Maybe it's just me, but the writer has a longtime relationship with his contractor. He knows that the contractor is struggling due to a personal tragedy. In what world is it moral, let alone ethical, to react by posting a negative online review, as opposed to talking, person to person about what's going on? The contractor's admission that he's drinking is a cry for help. It saddens me to see such an uncompassionate, intellectualized approach presented as "ethical." It's no such thing.
71
@Mary May
Imagine that you, an unsuspecting member of the community, read (present tense) the writer's original positive recommendation(s) of the contractor. Relying upon those recommendations, you hire the contractor and have a bad experience -- only to find out that the writer (after posting the original positive recommendations) had a negative experience with the contractor but failed to disclose that information on the site. How would you feel?
2
@Mary May Hear, hear. Well said. Technology is often a poor and perverse substitute for in-person communication. Unfortunately, those who profit from technology have convinced far too many of us of us that it’s a communication panacea.
2
On the contractor question, I recommend that you talk/write to the contractor that you no longer can recommend him to others because of his less than stellar work. Express your concern to him because it won't take long for others to notice his shoddy work. He, indeed, may be going through a difficult time and needs to address his substance/alcohol use. He may need your compassion to save himself and his reputation. Your on-line posts can be permanent and forever tarnish his reputation.
24
As for the contractor, based on information that was included in the query the client should take the time to have a heart to heart with the contractor. On the table: happiness with past work, knowledge of the “family tragedy”, unhappiness with recent work, and concern - genuine concern and caring - for what has been an obvious decline in the contractors work.
Sometimes all someone who is suffering needs is someone else to reach out and notice. It’s the right thing to do. Until that is done, remove old posts from NextDoor, don’t put up any other reviews, and let the contractor know that if you are asked, you will need to be honest about current quality of the work. We all have times we suffer and in this day and age, a little kindness can go a long way. If the contractor gets defensive and upset then so be it. Nothing is lost but you will have done your “good human of the day” duty.
29
The dual relationships of neighbor and customer need to be viewed independently of each other in the writer’s actions. In addition, what of his responsibilities as a service provider? What of his financial obligations to his customers? He is presumably a licensed professional. Other subs rely on him as do their reputations. Poor outcomes sully all of them. I haven’t read a single comment that places any duty upon the contractor.
How is it that the Ethicist believes that your responsibility to a group of more or less unknown "neighbors" is more important that your relationship with a true neighbor who has helped you for years and who is now having personal and professional problems?
45
@nancy Exactly, and that’s why the gratuitous vaccination analogy didn’t make sense in this case.
2
Regarding the contractor.
While you don’t have to recommend him ever again, or hire him, but you also don’t need to take an ad out tearing him down.
That’s just vindictive.
Let him put you right financially and move on and never use him again but certainly don’t kick a man when he is down. That’s a cheap shot.
Compassion is what is required. He is dealing with tragedy and trauma and needs time to recover. Don’t destroy his livelihood because it may come back to haunt you. Your neighbors may not appreciate it as much as you think and turn against you.
34
Regarding the contractor, terrible advice. Giving the “system of reviews” any weight is laughable. A negative review will cause this person and his family harm. It likely will make the reviewer have to deal with guilty feelings. You don’t know if the contractor is on the verge of getting help. You would then be sending him over the brink. The best solution is not to give good reviews, be honest if asked, hope that the contractor finds help, and hope that future prospective clients are savvy enough to compare contractors.
27
Regarding the contractor, delete past positive recommendations. Say nothing negative online. Bad online ratings ruin people's lives. If anyone asks you in person, give an answer, in person. Stay off digital media.
As for the DNA question, don't you think the sister already knows? Develop a timeline of decision-making and best practices at the time of your children's births. Walk them through it. Tell them about your feelings, then and now. Assume that they are adults who can handle being treated as such.
114
Loved your response. Truthful, concise, minimizing harm and damage.
8
An imbalance of reviews submitted (only good, never bad) can affect a consumer’s decisions and in the case of general contractors, allow consumers to proceed blindly in ignorance. Reviews should be taken in their totality and with a grain of salt. After looking at the average score, I sort the reviews from worst to best and begin reading from that point. I seek to dismiss poor reviews based on reasons separate from the product/service such as one star because the store was out of the item and it had to be shipped. Or where the dimensions of an item are clearly posted yet a review gives a poor score because it wasn’t as big as the customer thought it would be.
1
Pretty cheap shot comparing the contractor question to vaccinations considering that NYS has just changed it's vaccinations laws regarding schools. I thought better of you.
15
@Twinkle
The entire response of the "Ethicist" was absurd, dense, and obtuse. The vaccination analogy was a low point in his padded response. Less is more, SIMPLIFY. This is a man's living, get to the point clearly and coherently.
21
I never post negative reviews when someone has worked on my house or yard, because I am concerned about retaliation, given that they know where I live.
56
The common practice was to keep everything secret and private. My OB-GYN specifically said no one, including your daughters, ever needs to know how they came into the world. Well, guess what - that advice was unethical and wrong. Adoptees, children of egg and sperm donors, etc, all deserve to know their genetic parentage, and PS. They are the ones to get to decide who is the 'real' parent.
34
@Human
A great comment.
3
@Human
I have a problem with your "real" comment. I am the biological mother of two and the adoptive mother of one. All three are my "real" children and I am their "real" mother. Yes the adopted one has a biological mother as well but that does not make me any less real.
12
@ExPatMX
It's very hard for adopted children to ask the questions they have. They don't want to hurt their adoptive parents with questions they've learned not to raise.
They sense the anxiety and they're not sure of what vocabulary to use. They regard their parents as their "real" parents, but they know that somewhere are other original/biological parents. What should they call them?
Best not to mention them. Where are they? Why did they give them up for adoption? Better to protect their parents from the emotional distress. Better to just keep quiet. Using the wrong terminology would just make it worse.
Your contractor "is no longer reliable". Give him a chance to put this right. Speak to the man in person and tell him of your concern.
Negative reviews online can make this blow up into a horrendous, destructive mess.
95
Yes, talk in person to your neighbor, who needs your help.
18
LW2: How terrible to not share your adult childrens biological reality with them. What do they tell their doctors when asked about their parents health? Why is telling child2 even a question?
55
L1: Unlike many of the straightforward readers’ comments here, The Ethicist’s response is a kind of mess: philosophical abstractions put into the service of convoluted “on the one hand, on the other hand” reasoning that produces an unsatisfactory “have it both ways” result. “Punish thy neighbor through ‘the neighborhood system’ — but not too harshly! — then give him the benefit of your sympathy” isn’t what i’d call sound or sensible advice. Perhaps a bit less Ethicist reliance on “philosophy first” would have helped in this case.
33
Nextdoor.com is searchable. You don't have to leave your past posts on that site that you no longer feel are valid. Search for your old posts that recommend that contractor and delete them.
72
You do know you can delete your NextDoor posts at any time, right?
27
Such is the cowards way out. The current experience should be posted with the same exuberance as the earlier positive one. That is the ethical thing to do as a customer. The website and its posts do not quantify the contractor’s social relationships. They describe his business practices and customer satisfaction. No more. No less.
Situation #1
Have you had a frank discussion with your contractor and shared your concern? I would not post anything until that conversation occurred. You may not have all the information needed to handle this situation appropriately.
53
The customer isn’t obliged to have a frank discussion. This is a business relationship. The contractor is a grown man. A licensed professional. The onus is upon him and he alone to provide the product and workmanship that was contracted for. The customer is being kind in only balancing against earlier reviews and not taking the matter to the local authority that licensed him.
1
An alternative is to speak with each person to whom you recommended this contractor. Simply explain the recent problematic quality of his work and that you can no longer
feel confident about it; that you will no longer use him. This may encourage them never to recommend him. The loss
of business may come to his attention. You mention you are
aware of personal problems in his family. Do you know them
well enough to express your concern and even suggest
support services? Customer service is very important; I am
currently disappointed with work provided by a man who
HAD BEEN OUTSTANDING. I plan to address this in a kind
way. Success in this business depends on good reviews.
9
@Wendy Tucker
You're suggesting LW1 gossip & spread rumor about a man who had a personal tragedy YEARS AGO and has mental health and alcohol problems because of it? He & his family have been dealing with his condition FOR YEARS and don't need LW1's suggestion of "support services." Why contact former referrals who may not even be contemplating a need for a contractor? LW1's problem has been solved; drop the topic.
2
I had a home built, paid for the architect to examined the work. He had recommended the contractor. It was a large home an expensive area. I had over $1 million in repairs and replacing materials. The case went through mediation and i was awarded $650,000. The lawyers took half. Ten years have passed and I am still dealing with the contractors errors.
I reported him to the State Licensing Board, discovered other people had done the same. He lost his license. He is an immoral contractor that cost me many years of retirement money, time spent finding new contractors and general emotional distress.
I definitely wrote a bad review on Yelp. He did the same thing to a colleague of mine, we compared notes.
I had done a big remodel on another home, but this was my first build from scratch. I learned to not trust contractors and watch the subcontractors like a hawk. We have state laws and codes for building. It is correct to report bad behavior. I will never build from scratch again. I was extremely unhappy for many years. It cost me a lot of $$ and I had to work extra years before retirement.
Maybe my experience was worse, but I will report anyone who doesn't followed state code in their building contracts. I sure do not want another person to do through what I did. It has been 10 years since I fired that contractor and I still tell people how bad he was.
Mickeyfin
21
No matter the parents who’ve raised us, we will have things to forgive, it’s a part of growing up and accepting their full legacy.
25
Just so you know next time someone has a question regarding learning one’s true parentage: you really ought not to so easily dismiss the effect of the knowledge of a sperm donor parent. It does not necessarily become old news and fade into insignificance for the offspring. It might be very upsetting in many ways, not least in matters of trust, identity, and even medical information.
10
I'd talk with the contractor first. If it helps and he corrects the poor work I'd leave it at that. If no success with that approach I'd probably let the folks who you referred him know that you recently had a bad experience and you would not refer him today. I think putting a bad comment online about a friend and neighbor would be last resort
Re the sister it's a no brainer. Tell her asap if she does not already know from her sister. The more interesting question is does the sister have an ethical obligation to tell her?
17
The first letter reinforces my views that the NextDoor app is a real problem. In my brief (now ended) time using the site I found that it encourages and reinforces gossip and does more harm than good.
29
@faith I have recently removed myself entirely from NextDoor for exactly the reasons you mention. It devolves into nasty gossip and fearmongering so quickly that it is frightenting. Nothing useful comes from it except finding the odd cat.
9
The answer to the question about the contractor likely is ethically correct, but it does pose some potential problems in terms of possible libel or slander exposure for the homeowner This is especially true if the contractor is suffering from both psychological and alcohol issues which is what this sounds like. Assuming the writer has made more than one recommendation about various professionals, the best solution would be to say something like "I hope everyone realizes that any recommendation I made for or against a professional contractor or other individual or business was based on my experience at the time the recommendation was made, and should not be relied on as being what I would recommend today Please do not rely on past recommendations for or against any individual for help in a hiring decision for a current or future project. In my case, if you have questions about whether my views have changed on a specific individual or company, please contact me directly and I will let you know if my feelings expressed in the past still stand and, if not whether I would now recommend for or against using the contract-professional involved. And please remember that my experience may or may not be representative of the experience of others." That serves both purposes--it puts others on notice to disregard any past suggestions, but it relieves him of the burden of causing widespread potential damage based on a previous positive recommendation
1
"The system of reviews and references works only if people are willing to tell their neighbors what they really think. So a clear, factual account of the problems with the project — you shouldn’t discuss his personal difficulties — would be in order."
I don't often agree with The Ethicist, but this time I do. People complain about the most inane and silly things. It is accepted most of the time. Yet one is supposed to keep real harm hidden?
4
I would also strongly advise against posting a negative review online. Both for the reasons mentioned by others but also for potentially inviting a lawsuit.
10
Regarding the contractor, if he is a well known neighbor I wonder if anyone has talked to him first, before posting even a carefully worded negative review.
It's hard getting old, and being in a profession that requires physical and mental stamina. He may have early stage dementia. Or perhaps a family member has cancer etc, and he is dealing with a lot of stress. It's such a sad situation.
As to the DNA issue. Being adopted at age 4 I am so glad my family celebrated me being adopted.
Have friends who have used IVF to have their two children and from an early age the children heard discussions from their parents about IVF, so they knew their fathers sperm was mixed with sperm of a donor in hopes of their mother conceiving. Being a science based family the two children grew up thinking IVF was cool.
They also grew up knowing their parents WANTED children SO bad that they used science to help make it a reality.
20
LW2: The parents don't know the correct terminology which makes it clear they haven't kept current about modern trends in assisted reproductive technology. The term is donor sperm. Artificial insemination could have referred to using the husband's sperm. They would benefit by having some sessions w/ a psychologist in the field who can guide them. They seem to only want to bring this into the light of day under duress. They've got so much farther to go if they thought secrets were the way to go.
21
Minor -- "(And sometimes, as with Jon Snow in HBO’s “Game of Thrones,” they also caused problems.)" The other examples refer not to the screen adaptations. Mr. Martin could get his due.
3
The failing contractor.
Sometimes when things are going bad with a contractor you need to either get tough (pull out the contract and go over it line by line with the individual) if you decide to see it through; or cut your losses and fire him. If it's the second, change your locks on your house.
Your contractor's personal life isn't your business, but if you're going to cut your losses, at least give him warning you're unsatisfied with his work and keep a written record. Contemporaneous records are worth their weight in gold.
3
Posting a negative review is a last resort that should only be used if the contractor refuses to make things right. This homeowner has already said they know he will make them whole in the end. It would be unethical to allow him to make things right and then post a negative review.
Face to face discussion with the contractor, which includes offering empathy and support, is the way to go.
If someone asks for a recommendation, just don't recommend him. Recommend another contractor, or no one if you don't know another good one.
14
They are assuming that he will make them whole and only after the frustration and likely delays (and costs?) of his unprofessional conduct.
Re the contractor dilemma: Are you able to delete your older reviews? That would be balancing, but not hurtful.
13
Before sharing negative views about the contractor online, why not have a conversation with him. Let the client explain the dilemma and ask the contractor how he thinks it should be handled. That could be a sufficient wake-up call.
55
Good advice and something the ethicist seems to have overlooked particularly so give the writer stated ‘we respect him and are concerned’. No need to destroy the contractors business with a review on social media.
14
I disagree with this answer. As a business owner who has suffered negative reviews I will tell you that if I have a client complain to me about something I will bend over backwards trying to fix it and I will put systems in place so that it doesn’t happen again. And if I have a bad outcome that should generate a complaint even if the client doesn’t complain I will do my best there too.
But what I can’t do anything about are the bad reviews by people who are only representing their biased side of the problem to people who don’t know either of us and have no way to verify the truth .
And as a professional who has dedicated my life to this field it hurts me so deeply when I get an online complaint that I no longer read the external reviews only the internal ones. I no longer accept new clients unless I have reviewed their records from elsewhere
The responsible place to lodge a complaint if the person does not want to talk to the contractor or other professional is with the state oversight board . That board will investigate and determine merit and if the person does have an alcohol problem they have greater leverage to force the person to treatment
70
@Dani Weber Thank you for mentioning the state board. It sounds like the letter writer and the contractor have already reached a resolution on the specific job, which is the first thing our state board would try to achieve. I agree that's the right place to go if you have a problem with a contractor.
I recently saw the truth of your comment in action. Friends and I were planning to take a crafts class, and a single negative Yelp review about a particular instructor made one of us hesitant to sign up. In this case, I was able to talk to the craft store owner who gave me the other side of the story; we signed up with that instructor and had a great experience. I wrote a positive review of my own but as others have mentioned, we all seem to be biased to over-weight the negative ("no smoke without fire").
3
My son happens to be a contractor, so I may be somewhat biased, but I would strongly suggest that in a case like the one described, the client not post a negative review online. She should tell other people who have used his services about his recent unsatisfactory performance, and if she's a friend of the contractor as well as a neighbor, she might speak to him privately about her dissatisfaction with his work and her concern about his personal problems.
24
Not a single one of the comments I’ve read so far has placed any of the duties and responsibilities where it belongs, upon the contractor and only the contractor. As soon as this involved paid services from a licensed professional, the roles were clearly defined. There is no ethical point for the customer other than to be clear in their expectations, reasonable about any delays (weather, permit issues) and to pay as agreed. The old line about never taking work home has a flip side that you never take home to work.
@From Where I Sit
I agree there is no ethical issue here; it is a contractual matter.
However, this contractor has had family, mental health, and alcohol problems "for years" & LW1 knowingly hired him. To my mind, LW1 bears some responsibility. There is no indication that s/he requested bids from multiple contractors re the issues you mention. Based on seemingly nothing more than neighborliness, LW1's expectations that his performance be at his pre-tragedy level were unrealistic at best.
1
I think the bravest and kindest thing a person could do (in the situation of the contractor whose work is not acceptable) is to talk directly with him first. He is a neighbor as well as a friend, as well as a business contact. Tell him you are concerned about the quality of his work and offer some empathy about his personal tragedy. He has not lost his skills, but rather his focus, which can be regained. If someone asks you directly about your experience, you should tell the truth, but with some kind of context.
135
@Susan
I have had multiple bad experiences when we hired friends or friends of friends to do professional work, generally more bad than good so I really try to avoid situations where I cannot have an arms-length relationship with someone that I am paying a lot of money.
I think 2 actions are appropriate:
1.First, have a blunt conversation with the contractor about your concerns and give him a chance to make things right. I would put your specific concerns in writing and give this to him. Reputable contractors recognize problems occur for various reasons and they need to be fixed.
2. If the contractor does not correct the situation to your satisfaction I would remove all prior reviews that you wrote about him from Nextdoor. I would not post a negative review but I would remove all positive reviews. At this point he needs start over in establishing his credibility but it is not your job to drag his reputation down in a way which makes it very difficult for him to reestablish his credibility.
I have posted a number of reviews on Nextdoor which range from very positive to inconsistent to negative. I have very explicitly warned people about using handymen in general as a way of saving money to do work that needs to be done by a pro and that a lot of problems can be avoided by making sure a contractor is licensed and has the required permits before he starts work.
8
@Bill
Best advice on this site.
2
It's always a problem when a friend or an acquaintance crosses over into a professional role. If the contractor were a stranger from the other side of town, the answer would be easy.
It's why, when I practiced medicine, I tried really hard not to treat my family. That didn't stop me from using my knowledge to get certain things done if I had to. And it seems lately in medicine, I have to do a lot of pulling rank and using my past knowledge to get things done that I think should be. But that's grist for another mill.
13
We hired a contractor based on good online reviews, and his workers broke a water pipe in our home that caused a nightmare of expensive, extensive and long-term damage. The water leaked inside walls after he completed his job so was not discovered until several week afterwards. When confronted, he denied doing it. We have learned that negative online reviews of contractors have resulted in lawsuits against the writers, so I warn neighbors and others who ask me, but will not be posting online.
31
@Emme B Why not use a pseudonym?
@PrairieFlax And the ethics of that?
3
@PrairieFlax Why not be cowardly?
3
30 years ago I asked my boss, head of creative for a large New York ad agency, what he says when providing a reference if he wasn’t happy with the performance of the employee. He responded, “it’s what I don’t say they should pay attention to. They can read between the lines.”
So for the contractor, who may be going through a bad time, do not post anything negative as that is permanent. If you are directly asked for a recommendation, state the positive and leave out the negative, let them read between the lines! And if you are comfortable, address the issues directly with the contractor — be a friend or as someone else mentioned, a mensch!
84
LW2: Didn't we do tell/not tell DNA testing last week? Daughter #2 already knows by now; Daughter #1 has informed her.
LW1: "Alert?" That's a bit hysterical, isn't it? The man isn't a registered sex offender; he's a poor performing contractor. If his problems started a "few years" ago, clients and potential clients have already figured out he's not as reliable as he once was. LW1 has already solved his/her project. Let it go.
80
When I was contacted directly about our contractor, I said he finished on time and on budget but that he could not make anything level, plumb or square. I was honest and direct, leaving it to the person receiving the information to decide what mattered more (time/budget or quality). I do not write blanket recommendations on websites.
55
Re: the genetics question ... I'm gonna say the ethical conundrum is moot here, because probably the second daughter learned the truth about 20 minutes after the first daughter did.
177
I know it’s a difficult and sensitive subject but this comment gave me the biggest belly laugh today.
“We are wondering whether to tell her sister” - indeed. Decide what you will but you should know that she probably already knows. In my opinion the parents should prepare themselves for that conversation.
5
No, in my opinion, it is not your duty to give your neighbors a Prairie Dog warning. I'd feel differently if he were in a medical, legal or financial profession. But that's not the case. Your letter sounds like you really do not want to downgrade him. Trust your higher, more understanding instincts.
You wrote: "We respect him.... We are also confident that no serious damage has been done to our project and that he will make us whole for any losses we have suffered."
Surely, if his work has become consistently poor, others will be more than willing to low-star him. If someone asks you directly, tell them about both experiences.
46
@Redsetter119
LW1 indicates the contractor has been having problems for a few YEARS. Surely, by now, others have figured out that he's not the performer he once was. No need to do anything - certainly not on a sm site.
13
@knitfrenzy - I agree. However, her letter doesn't indicate that other clients have complained yet about other jobs he has performed. She only says subcontractors and advisors have told her the work was subpar. I assume she was referring to the same kitchen project he seems to have botched. Kitchen remodeling can become complex. He might be excellent on other jobs or under different circumstances. The community needs several different client opinions to fairly assess his current viability.
5
@Redsetter119
If he was drinking on the job, others would've noticed over the years. I got the sense LW1 wanted to stir the pot w/o repercussions to him/herself. Rating review sites aren't worth much. If a potential client genuinely wants to check out the contractor, he/she should ask for 3 references.
4
Don't you wish someone had warned you that this contractor is no longer doing good work? Why wouldn't you want to do the same for some future customer?
40
@Mary Poppins I see your point. But the internet is forever.' The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on; not all your piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line, nor all your tears wash out a word of it'.
Even if the contractor cleans up his act and returns to his previous commendable proficiency and diligence, that review will always pop up in his Google search results, and moreover, every time someone clicks on it, it will get that little extra boost to keep it there.
A rabbinic parable compares trying to undo the damage of spreading gossip to opening a feather pillow on a rooftop in the wind, then trying to go out and gather every last feather. Same goes for internet comments. If anything worse, because winds are limited in range and eventually do die down.
My advice: Talk to the contractor first, privately. Express sympathy. Offer what help and support is practicable. Tell him you no longer recommend his work, and that if anyone does ask for a recommendation you must answer honestly. But going on Nextdoor - a forum which, as others note, itself doesn't have a great rep to begin with - smacks more of petty revenge for the inconvenience he's caused you than of an honest wish to benefit the neighbours.
140
@ACW
Rabbi Jesus says the same in Matthew's Gospel (18:15-18): "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven."
5
@Mary Poppins “not all your piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line, nor all your tears wash out a word of it'.”
It does not take piety or wit to delete a comment on Nextdoor. Or facebook...
Speaketh not if you know not whereof your flowery tongue roams.
2
Regarding Letter # 2 --
"My OB-GYN specifically said no one, including your daughters, ever needs to know how they came into the world." -
It was at that moment the ethical horse ran out the ethical barn --
Trying to close the barn doors now - years later - is an exercise in futility - predicated mostly upon guilt - as well as fear of how the other child will react...
57
NextDoor where not to go for recommendations; lots of snark and "know it alls". Why would anyone base major decisions on recommendations from people who share nothing more than a social media website? Speak to the contractor. Be a mensch.
129
@WhoMe
I'm w/you right up to speak to the contractor. About what? If the problem re LW1's project has already been resolved, there's no need to discuss the reasons behind his declining performance (which I suspect is what LW1 REALLY wants to do). The contractor's family & friends have most likely raised the issue of alcohol use OVER THE YEARS & how it may/may not affect his job performance.
6
@WhoMe I have found Next Door to be incredibly helpful when we moved to our current new neighborhood and needed recs for different things. For one thing, everyone on it must verify who they really are and what their address is by the app's vetting system and they cannot hide behind a made up phony name. Number two is that the app enables you to reach out to any individual privately for further info. Thirdly, each request usually had multiple, real time responses so that you can get a concensus. Lumping Next Door in with the rest of social media is incorrect and wonder if those who did it are even familiar with the app? It is not perfect but we have found it to be very good and reliable resource. Found very good dentist and haircutter thanks to the app.
24
@CityLady I'm not lumping Next Door in with anything else. I did use it for recommendations and that was a real mixed bag. The best recommendations I get are from people I know and trust not strangers even if they're using verified names. I practice a multi authentication approach now to vetting vendors. I find the tone of some discussions nasty, petty and vile. At least in my location there is a lot of piling on, group think and bullying of those who hold different opinions.
9
"Spawn" is pejorative and therefore antithetical to the supposed kind spirited intent of this column. even when used only to reference the intended meanness of fictional characters from centuries past.
Examples of acceptable behavior should be drawn from the real world, not the fictional—certainly that should not be too difficult!
26
@wschloss Yes. I feel "spawn" is a word-microaggression .
14
Talk privately with the Contractor. Express your concerns, and ask Him if you can offer a referral for Health Care or Counseling. Do NOT post any info at this time. Give the guy a chance to clean up his act.
Both Daughters need to learn the same information. It would be a burden and disservice otherwise. They'll get over it, after all, what options did you have ? Do not feel guilty or ashamed. Best wishes.
69
@Phyliss Dalmatian The writer SHOULD feel guilty and ashamed for never telling her daughters (now adults, for heaven's sake) how they came to be.
2
Interesting timing of this column. I just listened to the NPR interview with Dani Shapiro, author of the book "Inheritance" on this very subject. I highly recommend the listening to the informative, well-spoken Ms. Shapiro as well as reading the book.
https://www.npr.org/2019/01/20/687045387/inheritance-author-genetic-test-unravels-family-history-identity
10
Tell your adopted child the truth, she may need to know the medical history of her real parent.
18
@Construction Joe Her real parent is the one who raised her. You must mean her biological parent.
82
@PrairieFlax The children were not adopted. They were conceived by artificial insemination using donor sperm. The children might want to know the medical history of the donor but it is unlikely they will ever find out.
22
It was @Construction Joe, not @PrairieFlax who referred to the children as “adopted.”
8
Never trash a person's business or character unless you think they are dangerous, never. And never leave a weak review on Airbnb and VRBO, people depend on income and unless it is terrible, give them a 5 and private comment.
Just be great to others.
29
@CMcGreg
When did it become "trash[ing]" to simply tell the truth? If the service was subpar, then it was subpar. You can relate that without being insulting, commenting on their private life/issues, etc., of course, but the idea that you can only assign a "5" or some such middling misrepresentation makes the whole notion of rating or evaluation worthless.
80
I disagree that one should give a fake review of someone just to be kind to them. If you had a bad experience with an Airbnb and don’t want to share that then don’t provide a review. Don’t lie about the experience/ The next guest is using your review to make a decision and should feel confident that those reviews are truthful.
87
@CMcGreg
It's interesting and a bit ironic that you chose to throw in the second part of your comment as part of a column specifically about ethical behavior and conduct.
23
Back before online ratings, did people feel obliged to take out ads criticizing poor workmanship? No? Why do we suddenly feel obliged to advertise negative experiences just because we can do it by pushing a button?
NextDoor is notorious for unpleasant, unneighborly behavior. I would not go out of my way to post a negative comment there. Be straightforward if asked outright in person.
206
LW1 - Recommend some other contractor on Next Door and tell good friends not to hire him.
LW2 - Yes by all means tell the 2nd child how she was conceived. You shouldn't burden the 1st by telling her to withhold the truth from her sister.
20
“Mommy’s bandy, Daddy’s maybe?” It is best to notify the sister of what may have transpired in her conception. As couples are encouraged to attempt procreation the possibility exists that one sperm made the journey. Couple with the obvious love the parents have shown for the children, the daughter may startled, rather than shocked.
2
So this is why I've felt like Nextdoor has given me nothing but bad advice.
27
Do not put one child in the position of withholding from the other child. She may have told her already. Testing is very common these days.
97
@Marilyn Sue Michel
?
These people might want to consider common sense. Seems they havent in the past.
5
@Marjorie Summons Which people?
21
In regards to the contractor, posting no review would be best. Posting a bad Nextdoor review could add to his troubles and sending him spiraling down further. Instead, be honest and tell him that you hired him because of his excellent work in the past, but that he fell short of this project, so you won't be hiring him again.
That way, he has to the opportunity to get his act together for the next client with no hard feelings.
If people pointblank ask you about his work, tell them you have had good and bad experiences. That way, they'll make their own decision and you won't feel guilty.
I had the same issue with a neighbor that owned a repair company. His work was excellent and I referred him to everyone. A year or so later, we hired him again and it was a disaster. I knew he was going through a divorce and had a sick child. I didn't want to be responsible for adding to his misfortune, so I stopped recommending him and didn't hire him again. It's a small town and my bad review, verbal or online, would crush him.
Recommending people, online or otherwise, is always a double-edged sword. One one hand, you want to help build their business and on the other you feel responsible if you refer and people aren't satisfied.
231
@Hope
You, who referred the individual everyone" ,went on to have an experience with him which you described as " a disaster." You don't want to be responsible for adding to his misfortune, but have no qualms about causing misfortune to "everyone" .
You have an obligation to report the "disaster " to those to whom you referred him, who may hire him based on your glowing recommendation .How would you feel if hired this man based on the recommendation of someone who failed to report you of a subsequent "disaster"?
A physician friend referred me to a hand surgeon who went on to operate on me, leaving me with a crooked finger, which I reported to my friend, who told me that another person to whom she had referred this surgeon had reported a negative surgical outcome.She told me that she would never refer anyone to this surgeon again.
I don't blame my friend because her experiences had been positive with this surgeon at the time she referred me to him. She used him for her own family. He is the Chief of Hand Surgery at a teaching hospital. He trains surgeons. I don't know what caused him to slip up as a surgeon.
My finger is crooked. It is irrelevant if he left me with a crooked finger due to personal issues.
Had my botched surgery been preceded by my friend experiencing work by the surgeon which was a 'disaster ",
and her having withheld the disaster from me, the friendship would have become strained, at the very least.
3
Ethicist: 'But your child, as an adult, has been shaken by something that would not have been a problem had it been known all along (and would certainly have faded into insignificance by now).'
That seems to me to be an overly confident statement. It may well have been a problem to the daughter, had she known all along her biological father was a stranger, not the man raising her, and that her family arrangement was different from her playmates'. She would not have the upset and neuroses caused by learning late in life; rather, she would have a somewhat different set of problems that had had the benefit of decades, from earliest youth, to root and burgeon.
Philip Larkin's trenchant observations in his classic poem 'This Be The Verse' still hold true.
22
@ACW What a poem. One of the things I enjoy about this comment section is exposure to writers who are new to me.
13
Whoa. Just found the poem and read it. Harsh!
LW #1. If the person has been satisfied with the contractor’s work up until recently, there is nothing wrong with posting compare/contrast examples in a review and ending by hoping that the recent lapses are just that — lapses.
Then let the emptor caveat.
If you can’t be honest (but tactful) on a site such as this, then what’s the point of it?
14
"Should I Tell People That My Favorite Contractor Is No Longer Reliable?" -- I do not see, why not, if you really care about those people. But be charitable: perhaps the contractor is going through a crisis or rough patch.
6
"At the time, procedures were different. Donors were medical students, and it was the doctor performing the procedure who chose the match — I think based on the husband’s physical characteristics."
A few problems with the letter writer's assertions:
1) Many/most patients at fertility were TOLD donors were medical students, but no proof of that was offered.
2) Donors were not really donors/givers; they were vendors/sellers. As we now know, and as could have been predicted, many of the doctors who ran the clinics used their own sperm to inseminate their patients.
3) Some of the doctors in the fertility racket may have pretended to take into consideration the patients' husbands' physical characteristics, but in actuality they used their own sperm, thereby insuring places in the next generation for their own offspring.
The NYT ran an article just last month on doctors who inseminated dozens/hundreds of women with their own sperm: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/21/health/sperm-donors-fraud-doctors.html
42
@Pecan But none of that materially changes the ethics of the parents situation now.
36
@Roger
Agree. I agree with Kwame's advice to tell the daughter the truth.
But I don't agree with him on this: "But your child, as an adult, has been shaken by something that would not have been a problem had it been known all along (and would certainly have faded into insignificance by now)."
Certainly? Insignificance? How casually an ethicist dismisses a person's right/need to know everything there is to be known about her origins, parents, ethnicity, nationality, etc.
37
@Pecan It wouldn't be the worst thing for this world to care less about ethnicity and "nationality".
2
LW 1 - Mr. Appiah makes a great point in writing, "As for the negative impact on his business, the blame would fall not on your disclosure of the truth but on the truth you’re disclosing: that he’s no longer a reliable contractor." So many people today seem to think they shoulder some sort of blame for telling the truth in such situations. It's the same attitude you see in, for example, not wanting to complain to the restaurant manager about awful service from their server because "they might get them fired". That's not your problem in that case or in the case of this contractor.
Our obligation as a consumer and rater is to be fair, and not make a mountain out of a molehill - some like to complain about little nits that are really inconsequential to the job at hand. Make your review relevant, your expectations realistic, and your public assessment measured (discuss the actual performance, not the personal or life story of the worker).
14
After all the work is done and the accounts are settled, be honest with the contractor, given the long term nature of your relationship. He might regain his old form if he sees it as a compassionate gesture, if nothing else he now knows where he stands.
48