Cutting the Cord: What Parents and Teenagers Need to Know

Twenty plus years ago when my two sons went to college, there was a great book available that issued a 30th anniversary edition in 2018 called, "Where's Mom Now That I Need Her: Surviving Away from Home." Lots of practical information on topics ranging from cooking, buying groceries and doing laundry to first aid, nutrition and lots more. A companion volume, "Where's Dad Now That I need Him?" was published in 2003 and contains information on basic car maintenance, insurance, contracts, budgeting, plumbing, tying a necktie and wrapping gifts. Gender stereotypes aside, these two books, which are still available, contain information useful to any young person going out on her/his own, not just those who are college-bound.

This year parents who stayed at my BnB while sending their children off to college for the first time seemed to be more anxious about their offspring than others have been in the past, and it was some small comfort to them when I gave them my business card with my phone number and encouraged them to let their children know they could call me if the need arose. For example, in the past, I have fielded calls asking for recommendations for OB-GYN doctors and local dentists. I sent them off with the cards and a goodie bag of cookies and a smile, reassuring them that a familiar face was in the wings if needed. "It takes a village" is a tired but tried and true saying.

Seriously, we are fretting over this that much? Parents need to look in the mirror and realize that if they are frightful about their offspring going off to college, what that means is that they didn't do a good enough job raising them to begin with. In the summer of 1981, I bought my own storage trunk with my own money, filled it up along with other things packing them in to the back of my 1972 Chevy Vega hatchback that I bought from my uncle for $400. And on September 3rd, drove alone to RPI in upstate NY, 180 miles north of LI. I got to RPI (which I chose with no input from them) and moved my stuff into a 3rd floor dorm room (no stairs) by myself. My parents - who never went to college - didn't ever visit RPI until "Parents Weekend" almost 2 months later. I had no fear - and neither did my parents for whom I was first-born. Maybe ignorance is bliss so that's partly why they didn't have fear. But, even though I was naïve and inexperienced, they let me be independent growing up doing my own research and making my own decisions refraining from unsupportive behavior and only rarely "offering suggestions" when their experience was useful. At the same time, they let me fail too because nothing teaches better than failure. Sure, it is important to be supportive of our kids, but if we create "safe zones" for our kids in our families or homes and solve all their problems, then we are doing a disservice to them when they enter the real world free - a world free of safe zones.

A point made in this column is that some of the guides are aimed at teenagers. After working with college students, including incoming freshmen, at a public university for nearly 30 years, I can’t think of a single high school senior or college freshman I know who would proactively read one of these books. Anticipating problems likely to arise as a freshman and learning how to solve those problems is not on their radar at this pivotal moment in their lives. It’s unfortunate.

I would highly recommend How to How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims. It's a manifesto for recognizing the harm that we can do to our baby adults (and ourselves) by overparenting from cradle to high school graduation and beyond. She provides great examples gleaned from her experiences at Stanford as well as those of others at educational institutions across the country. One example she shares is about a freshman who receives a delivery. The delivered box remains at the curb in front of his dorm for a couple of days until his mother places a call to the R.A. to enlist help. Many parents think the goal is to get them to the "right college" and think less about developing reasonably happy adults who can function in the World without us. Much easier when this training starts early but it's a must read for anyone with a child from two into the twenties.

The concerns don't end after graduation. They can intensify. The prosperity of the 1950's - 1980's is over. Jobs pay less, fewer benefits, greedier employees and our kids are paying the price.

Instead of the kid having to learn this basic stuff from a book before leaving for college, a wiser strategy would be actually parenting in the years prior to his or her departure. Teach the kid to cook. Teach the kid to do his or her laundry. Discuss current events over dinner. Sew a button. Clean one's room and common areas of the home. Perform basic home maintenance. Have basic social skills and know how to talk to people of different ages. Know how to talk on the phone. Know how to write a professional email. The list goes on. College ideally shouldn't be daycare or a place to learn all of this for the first time.

I am aware that the world is more complex than in 1980 when I shipped off to college. But the fear, the lack of practical experience with independent...anything; that is alarming. I had no idea how to pair wine with food, but I did know that I would be responsible for clean clothes, getting to class on time and with adequate preparation, and more. The fact that parents were more hands-off back then probably had a lot to do with it. There wasn't anyone offering to jump in and help out. Sink or swim. Most of us learned to swim. Do not wait until your child is leaving home to teach them how to think for themselves. Start early, say 3 or 4. And keep up the practice until the day they leave. Your most important job is to launch your child into the world confident and excited. That cannot happen without the opportunity to fail. Failing at home to wash your clothes for school is better than failing to complete your degree or show up for work.

Around here, this kind of advice is only relevant to the wealthiest families. Most high school graduates I know aren’t “going off to college” at 17. It’s just too expensive. They are either working, going to community college, or both, and living at home. Some of them plan to eventually go to 4-year colleges, but first they need to accumulate some money and credits, and figure out how to make their way in the world. Most of them have been doing chores and contributing financially to the household for years. They don’t need instruction about the “real world”: it’s slapping them in the face. It seems to me that there’s a real disconnect between those families who can afford to send their kids right off to college, credit cards in hand, and the rest of us. How about some advice for us?

There are the problems w/ unprepared children separating but there are also the problems of the parent who fosters the separation. I was not exactly a sheltered child, but my narcissistic parents isolated us from the world, taught us little about how to deal w/ it and were excellent double-talkers and gas-lighters, which left us not knowing which way was up. It was a bad state in which to encounter the world. I knew how to cook enough, do laundry, and stay stable financially, but I couldn't recognize liars or narcissists. My parents had cut me off abruptly, cruelly and painfully. With my children, they knew survival skills but I also drilled them on liars and narcissists. They still had transient encounters w/ them, but survived and didn't repeat. Theory vs. practice. We also provided emotional and financial help which almost always helps. They have fairly severe learning disabilities, as do I (untreated) but I was aggressive in getting them help for those. They worked and travelled. They formed their own POVs. They both graduated from college, my son got a masters degree, and my daughter owns a successful business. I parented by the seat of my pants and I'm glad it worked out. On the other side, I had a terrible time w/ separating from them. I stifled my desire to move in w/ them (!) or any other action that interfered w/ their responsible independence. It was TERRIBLE! But the kids are okay and even though I'm limping, I suppose I'm ok, too.

The usual left wing politics reaers its ugly head. "Cue an investigation into whether people on Team Trump colluded with Russia. The investigation found no evidence of collusion.” That's a true statement! What the investigation found is that there were meetings at which it was impossible to prove that there was "no" collusion. There was no evidence that there was collusion either.

Oh jeez, I’m sick of articles about parents that smother heir kids and young adults that are incapable of growing up. I left home at 17 because my dad was transferred to Tulsa and there was no way this New Yorker was going to live In Oklahoma.

Indulging and overprotecting is the cruelest thing parents can do to their children. Eventually, they WILL leave the comforts of home, and the world is harsh on adults who haven't been allowed to grow beyond the immaturity of childhood. Helicopter parents too often produce a stunted cripple incapable of "adulting". The ability to cope with crisis and trauma is the best gift any parent can give, and all it takes is the ability to say "Handle it yourself" and "No, we won't help you this time."

Having a 14 year old myself, i just told her to work her new side job a bit more so she could save / buy the over 100 dollars gym shoes she's begging me for.... little by little

My goodness. Do parents of my children's generation really have to read books to acquire what we used to call 'common sense'?

As a retired teacher, I would advise parents not to wait until their child is about to leave for college to begin allowing him learn to be independent. I remember a student in 10th Grade French who broke down into tears because I asked him to put a homework sentence on the board along with other randomly selected classmates. I tried to explain to him that we could do the exercise together and that it was normal to experience some difficulty with new concepts, but to no avail. Later, the principal admonished me for calling on this student and insisted that he not be called on in class in the future unless he raised his hand. At the parent-teacher interview, I asked his parents why he never took advantage of my offers of extra help after school or of re-doing failed tests (which I allowed the students to re-take to a maximum of a passing mark). They replied that he would have found it too humiliating. He eventually passed the course, but he could have achieved much more if he had been allowed by his parents to face up to his difficulties and accept the help he needed. By "protecting" him, they were in reality harming him.