She wants it cold and I like the room warm.
She snores loudly and I don't.
She is in bed by 10:30 and I'm up another hour.
But sleep apart? Not for us...we're too lucky.
22
If we could just get the dog out of the bed!
30
Calling separate sleeping arrangements by the pejorative "divorce" can only add to the guilt many couples feel at taking steps necessary for their own health as well as the health of them marriage. Thoughtless!
82
My parents had me when my dad was almost 40. He was cranky, stressed, tired, and the sandman paid them visits in separate beds. They were way ahead of the curve in the early 1960s.
He worked very, very hard for equity. When we moved into a very large, steel-framed house, mom had the master bedroom, and dad had an enclosed sleeping porch.
I like my sex and I like my space. I am an insomniac. I don't dig cuddling and spooning all night with a girlfriend. And I am told that my deviated septum makes a cacophonous noise like a chainsaw.
I guess an apple does not fall far from the tree.
14
My husband and I have had separate bedrooms from the jump. (He snores and thrashes, I snore and stay in one place.) I get up earlier than he does, go to bed before he does, and read as long as I like. He wears Bluetooth headphones if he continues to watch TV after I’ve retired, bc I like a quiet house. It’s terrific. I’m rested and happy. So is he. At the end of the day, healthy couple = happy marriage. You’re in charge! Create your own “happy health!”
50
Snoring is a health issue! When I started dating my husband I "diagnosed" his sleep apnea and he got a CPAP machine - only then he realized how he wasn't sleeping well himself as he would stop breathing or the snoring would wake him up. The noise of the CPAP machine still bothers me, so I combine wax earplugs and white noise - it is still soooo much better than the dragon-snoring!
I do sleep better when he travels for work but separate bedrooms aren't in the cards for now - we live in an expensive area and spare bedrooms are a luxury for those with children at home.
5
3 BR house, 2 master BRs, each w/ an en suite bath. Husband w/ back/sciatic/restless leg (and occasional snoring) issues. Simple solution: He starts out in our master BR, but at some point during the night he gets up and moves to the 2nd master BR. He gets up earlier than I do (we're both retired), we both get our rest, and we're happier than ever. (And as another poster noted, he knows where to find me if … well, you know ;) )
17
I work in the medical field and constantly am seeing patients complaining of chronic fatigue. Very often, it has to do with their partner. child or pet that disrupts their sleep. Doing some research, I found that we actually only starting having married couples sleeping in the same bed somewhere around WWII. Lower income families would sleep together (ALL of the family) due to limited room and finances for separate beds but well to do couples had separate bedrooms and dressing rooms. So this modern concept of sleeping in the same bedroom is rather recent and not necessarily a really great idea - other than using the bedroom for sexual purposes, we would probably be better off having our own sleep space.
47
It is a pity the concept of having one's own bedroom while married is referred to as a "sleep divorce". It is a luxury to have a separate bedroom, not always possible while children are in the house. For retired couples with health issues having one's own room is a great solution. It does require, as the article states, good communication as one tends to have to talk about sex in the same way that one would talk about meals, outings or other companionable activities.
35
The first 10 years my boyfriend and I slept in a queen. No problem, and we loved being close to each other, as we still do. Aging also comes with a need for more privacy and uninterrupted rest. We moved to a bigger place and decided not only to sleep in separate beds, but separate bedrooms as well, each with a king size, each bed always big enough for two, if desired.
We each have our own bathroom, which is a total bliss. Soon we will be together for 30 happy years.
62
My husband and I are in our 30’s and figured this one out when our first child was born (might as well have at least one parent getting a decent night’s sleep, ya know?). We still sometimes sleep in the same bed but 9 times out of 10 we sleep in separate bedrooms. Why is there stigma around this? We both sleep so much better.
47
@It me, exactly. 100%. My spouse and I started same shortly after our child was born (who is now 8 and a half). Been a win-win for all involved. Sleep in same bed if we have guests and guest room is taken; or sometimes on vacations together with extended family but default at home is separate bedrooms. Each couple can be confident enough and have independent spirit enough to do what works for them, regardless of any externally perceived societally imposed stigma.
15
My husband & I slept well and happily in separate beds for 55 years, even on our wedding night at the Plaza Hotel.
38
Beware!! Admitting to work colleagues, friends, family that you sleep apart from your spouse and will be thought of as strange. So dominant is the king-bed co-sleeping cohort, who endlessly complain about waking up because of snoring, moving, and late night arrivals. Even children ask incredulously why we have two bedrooms.
30
Married almost 34 years. Been there, done that. Have slept peacefully for years with him down the hall.
38
Done years ago! Personal space is great for a marriage.
36
We solved one big problem by buying two separate twin comforters our king bed. If we have company over, we put the king comforter on the bed for show.
20
Is it really possible that sleeping apart is a problem? I would be outraged if my partner objected to my sleeping in a different room if his sleep habits were disturbing me.
And I do occasionally; my husband goes through phases when he snores more than at other times, and I go to the guest bedroom. The only "conflict" is that he feels terrible about having disturbed my sleep so I feel a little terrible about making him feel bad. But I'd never be so absurd as to give up a sound night's sleep because of it, nor would he want me to.
It's hard to imagine one partner being so selfish as to object to the other's not being disturbed. Could someone really be so sadistic as to "insist" that their partner stay in the same room even if unable to sleep? That's unconscionable. And IMO, unconscionable that a person would submit to such a demand. What century is this?
And don't even get me started on "what other people think"! "Stigmatized in her social circle"?? Seriously? It's your life, your relationship, your bedroom, your sleep!! How dare anyone judge that?
Hmph, some seriously ruffled feathers here . . .
37
I have not read the comments, so this may have already been mentioned. Sleep apnea is a cause of snoring which is disturbing both to the sleeper and the bed partner. Talk to your doctor about having a sleep study. If it shows sleep apnea, CPAP can make a huge difference in restfulness for both partners. It certainly did for my husband and me.
Sleep apnea is a health problem, not just an annoyance and ought to be discussed with your physician if your partner complains of snoring.
17
My parents who are in their 80's now, have had separate bedrooms for a number of years now because my father snores very loud. The set up works well and each gets the rest they need. (If they travel, they do share the same bed/bedroom). They have an excellent marriage and are true companions and equals including intellectually and love learning new things every day and teaching them to each other. They happen to be immigrants who came to this country in the early 1960's and worked as professionals until their retirement. The culture they came from is different than that of mainstream American and European culture. Unfortunately, in American mainstream culture it seems like it is shameful to admit couples are sleeping in different beds/bedrooms. It should not be. Certainly among the very wealthy in the U.S. and Europe, it has historically been common for couples to have separate bedrooms.
23
I'll never forget the 7 years with my first spouse. We always slept holding hands. Now, after 30 years of marriage to my second spouse, we scrunch ourselves on opposite sides of the king-size bed, until his snoring becomes unbearable and then I quietly slink into another room.
What's really unbearable is when we take holidays -- then I take a sleeping pill every night and make sure to have an extra pillow to cover my head. Earplugs -- and I've tried everything on the market -- hurt my ears. Where can I get a sound-blocking headband that allows me to sleep on my side?
19
2 things have really helped me and my spouse: separate blankets when we share a bed, separate rooms when I need some undisturbed sleep. It took a while for me to stop feeling guilty about going to the other room, but it’s all good now. Now if we could only afford to build a 2nd bathroom...
17
Married, happy, faithful, 30 years. Two important items
(Before Ipads and streaming), we'd go to movies and split at the door - one would go to RomCom, one would go to Action movies (you guess). A certain number bed which allows two sides to be set at different firmness levels for the whole marriage, my side is hammock-like an my wife's, like a board. We needed to split during the movies but same bed with the addition of headphones, we are all set
7
My former husband snored very loudly every night. And he always kept me fully supplied with soft ear plugs, which I put in when I went to bed. Finally after 25 years I suggested I sleep upstairs away from him so as to not be woken by snoring, and he refused to agree. He rarely disagreed with me or said no to me, but he was adamant about it, so I dropped the subject.
4
@Diane, hence, "former?" Congrats and I'm glad you finally get to sleep.
12
@Diane
wow, and he got to say?
6
Married 20 years, together as a couple for 25. Moved to separate bedrooms for sleeping about 9 years ago. Everyone sleeps better now. I would never go back to sharing a bed with anyone! I need my sleep!
25
Why not, probably most people would like some personal space and would sleep better. The funny thing is that anyone feels obligated to sleep in the same bed or there’s a stigma to sleeping apart lol. And this thing about designated nights together or apart? LOL. What a turn off!! However snoring is a medical condition and can take years off a person’s life, get it checked out.
13
I’m thinking sleeping in the same bed probably evolved as a convention for reasons other than romance or sleep quality, because it’s not really that conducive to either of those. For example as a safeguard against adultery, child molestation, etc, at least during night hours.
3
I’ll go one better. Separate bedrooms along with separate bath and closets.
8 hours of ones day should be a selfish endeavor for total health and well-being.
If you’re incapable of sleeping separately from your partner, spouse, whatever, then you have deeper societal issues than just separation anxiety.
Snap out of it! Get a hold of your senses. Sleep time is alternate you time. Dream time. It has nothing to do with your present life. That’s why it must be exclusive time alone for each person.
22
@Mihály I'll go one better; separate houses, the ticket to marital bliss.
29
Separate beds and separate bathrooms = keys to a successful relationship!
31
In our 15 years of marriage we progressed from a queen size mattress, one duvet to a king with 2 personal duvets (purchased in Germany with individual duvet covers). That seemed to solve the issues with space, adequate covers. Then the snoring started up--a "mouthpiece" for him solved that but noise and other issues forced the 2 bedroom option. It is definitely better but I am somewhat lonely on occasion. I am amazed at the number of people who sleep in separate bedrooms. Definitely an opportunity to reassess our traditions. We are BTW, in our 70's.
17
My wife and I came upon the *bedsroom* by happenstance.
Over the last few years, she started having trouble sleeping through the night, and if woken would have a terrible time falling back asleep; sometimes taking two to three hours or more.
So she started going to be earlier than me. And when I came to bed, I would gently fold back the covers and gingerly slip into bed, praying that the movement wouldn't wake her. Most of the time I didn't, but sometimes I did and I felt awful, as did she.
I work from home and last year when I was on a large deadline, my wife asked me to sleep on my home office's pull-out couch if I ended up working past 11pm to eliminate the possibility of waking her. I thought it was a great idea and for a few weeks, most nights I slept in my office.
At first, I didn't like it, but then I realized how much I was enjoying sleeping in my own bed. *Of course* I didn't say anything because I didn't want to damage our relationship. But as it turned out, she was enjoying sleeping in her own bed as well, we were just afraid to admit it because of what we thought it meant.
When we finally talked about it and realized it didn't mean anything about our relationship, we decided to purchase a second bed for our bedroom, and thus was born: the "bedsroom".
And we've both been much happier with our sleep ever since!
29
We usually go to sleep together in the shared king bed but also have a smaller "escape" bed in another room, which my husband goes to when either he can't sleep or I start tossing and turning. We both get bouts of insomnia sometime. He also usually goes to sleep around the same time but he will go sleep there another hour or two after I have already gotten up.
Having a second bed is simply essential for us to get good sleep. As for sex - well now there are two beds that can be utilized.
12
@NH Great idea and I like how you're both so relaxed about it!
5
A remodeling project put me and my spouse in different bedrooms "temporarily." Within weeks I realized I was sleeping better than I had in years. We never went back to the old arrangement of sharing a room, but that's OK. We know where to find each other.
28
This is a subject I am very passionate about. My husband snores quite a bit and it has disturbed my sleep from the first night we spent together nine years ago. It's been tough for me to deal with as I get up early (so basically I lie there thinking about all the sleep I'm not getting until the 5:30am alarm goes off) and because the stress of my job already wakes me up. It's also stressful for him to know he's bothering me-- and to be woken up by me asking him to turn over. We both hate it. For the past year, we have tried a new arrangement that we both like: we alternate nights sleeping together and apart. That way, if we do disturb each other's sleep when we're together, we have the comfort of knowing the next night we will be solely responsible for how well (or poorly!) we might sleep. This arrangement has eliminated the tension we used to have around sleep. And interestingly enough, I've found that the nights we're together have been more restful for both of us because of that. It also hasn't negatively impacted our sex life at all-- if anything it's improved it.
9
get an rx for a cpap machine, even if he does not have sleep apnea. it stops snoring and both will sleep much better!
4
We're 76 years old, and she snores. I get up at 5 AM and she at about 7:30. We fall asleep wrapped around each other. I would never give that up.
It's OK to separate if that works but separate beds won't work for everyone.
The point is, people settle into comfortable habits, rituals, and patterns. We are all different and if something works for the couple that's great!
11
I can't help but chuckle! I guess my wife and I were ahead of the curve.. we came to this conclusion years ago (after years of sleeping in the same bed). If snoring is the issue, a bigger bed, adding a few feet does nothing. When we travel, try the Bose sleep buds-pricey, but they work the best, better than conventional ear plugs. Sweet dreams!
15
A great solution would be a king sized bed that separates into two halves when desired. No gap when fitted together (it could be done); wheels, good engineering. Separable beds would at least help with respite from a partner's tossing and turning, overly warm comfort zone, etc.
4
My husband and I began doing this a few years ago and it works well except when we travel. We just had the most wonderful European vacation save for the fact that I barely slept - ugh.
17
I guess Ivy hasn't heard of a CPAP machine, or realized that snoring is likely a significant health concern - not just something for a partner to complain about.
8
My husband was a snorer. A smoker. Drank a lot of coffee and liked to have a glass of milk and digestive biscuits to munch on - in bed. He was a very restless sleeper. I'm a non-snorer, non-smoker and very still sleeper who hates coffee and can't abide crumbs in bed. We also could never agree on a mattress. He was a morning person; I'm a night person. Separate beds beds in the same room would not improve our sleep; separate bedrooms totally improved it. Better sleep time improved the quality of our lives. And, when you think about it, all anyone has in this life is her/his TIME. Spending it tired and unhappy is a waste of this most precious commodity. In our case, separate bedrooms were a great equaliser, a physical reminder of our respect for each other's lives. Being together does not require sacrificing a third of one's life for the sake of "social expectations". If anything, having separate bedrooms proved liberating. The idea of "two becoming one" may sound "romantic" but often it's merely suffocating. Separate bedrooms made both of us happier people and made our 30 year relationship happier by making it more romantic : 'So, what do you think? Will it be my place or yours tonight?'
26
As the mother of three children and the wife of a night owl, snorer and screen-addict, I am thankful every evening and morning for my separate bedroom. It is the only room in our house that I have control over, that I can design to my whims and wants and needs. Just the thought of closing my bedroom door, of shutting myself off from everyone else's noises and messes and smells and demands and screen glares, brings a serene smile to my face.
59
We’ve been happily married 14 years. Hubby works a swing shift and likes to watch TV to fall asleep. I run my own company and need to keep somewhat normal work hours. I like to read before sleep and have a cool room with no animals allowed. He would gladly sleep in a sauna with triple blankets up to his chin and a sleeping cat tucked under his arm. We BOTH snore. Throw in sleep disruptions that come with menopause and I was a walking cranky zombie.
As empty nesters he has now commandeered one of the guest rooms for his sleep space. I sleep in the master. We share the master bath and usually two nights a week we sleep together in ‘my’ bed.
When we go on vacation we relax into it and always sleep in the same bed, sleeping well because we aren’t worried about work. Our sex life is still amazing and this works for us. When we get frisky it feels a little naughty and exciting, to tell the truth. We’ve been doing this for probably almost a year and I can’t see us going back.
As other posters said - whatever works is what a couple should do. Judgment free zone here for sure.
19
For about the last 1/3rd of our 44 year marriage, we've had separate bedrooms/bathrooms/closets. It felt odd at first, but only for about a week.
We like both intimacy and privacy, but especially like being able to choose. We also discovered double beds are exact right size—not as confining as twins but leave more space in the room than queens/kings...and plenty large enough for, as the article says, intimacy.
No issues with going to bed at different times, reading or watching tv late, or tension over the fact she likes flannel sheets, electric blanket under homemade quilt, and white-noise generator; and I like an electric mattress pad, light down comforter with duvet cover and no top sheet (one shake makes the bed), complete silence, and a somewhat colder room.
For that matter we like our separate cars too...her VW wagon w/automatic, my manual Mini Cooper.
I retired two years ago and with the kids out of the house, we moved, simplified, and downsized—but the separate beds/baths were non-negotiable. Found just the right place…I get the master suite w/shower, eastern exposure (I’m the early bird), and adjoining study; she has the big bath, no morning sun, and the bonus room for her sewing/quilting space. We may end up with only one car though.
But we really don't give a single thought to what other people think of either our sleeping or driving arrangements.
37
As we are (slowly) learning, the rules of coupledom are changing. Maybe we want two beds or two rooms or two homes.
Go with whatever works for you.
31
No separate bed, unless one of us feels sick. We learned to put a big pillow between us so we dont move to the others side, it works.
5
Not married yet, but my significant other (3 years and counting) and I have an arrangement. We start out in the same bed together, but if someone is having a bad night (snoring, heartburn keeping you me or him awake, etc.) then it is okay for either party to go to the guest bedroom.
Why should the dog be the only one that has a great night of sleep?
30
@Concerned Citizen That has been our arrangement for almost 20 years now. Works fine.
4
I have been sleeping alone since 2007. My husband sleeps in the spare bedroom. I sleep like a baby all night long. No snoring, no movement, just sleeping me waking up happy as a clam!
18
"CPAP" stands for "Continuous Positive Airway Pressure" and it is a device to prevent sleep apnea, of which snoring is a main symptom. It's not noisy and you get used to it.
I no longer snore at all since getting the prescription for CPAP. As an added benefit, I now have recovered the ability to have vivid dreams, a loss I had accepted as part of aging. And, I no longer feel drowsy in the afternoons.
Try CPAP before building a second bedroom.
PS you don't have to wear it during intimacy......
12
My husband and I have been together for 38 years. Having separate bedrooms probably saved our marriage. We both snore and move around in our queen-sized beds. Now that we're in our sixties, we are dealing with physical pain. Mine is so bad that I mean and talk in my sleep, annoying both my husband and our son, whose rooms are twenty feet away. And I keep very strange hous, often staying up until dawn. Sleeping together would be impossible.
19
Hubby’s snoring kept me awake often enough that I would often sleep in another room. But for very busy couples, sharing a bed is one of the best ways to spend time together. I missed my husband at night and he missed me. I am very grateful that after so many years he lost the weight that caused his high-volume snoring and sometimes apnea (a combination of low-carb diet and walking worked for him). I’m no longer full of anxiety about his health and full of frustration at having to choose between his comforting presence and a good night’s sleep. I might not mind separate bedrooms if we had more time to spend together in general.
11
Separate but continuous foam mattresses go a long way towards solving the problems of tossing and turning and of separate bedtimes.
2
Before I started on CPAP, it was difficult for anyone to sleep in the same HOUSE as me, much less the same bed. If you or someone you love is a "heroic snorer", testing for sleep apnea is imperative, as it has numerous detrimental health effects beyond just the problems caused by the snoring.
20
This is very timely for me b/c in the last few weeks I’ve started sleeping in the spare room during work nights. I’m in my 40’s and so I worried about the optics of this. But all these comments are so encouraging, and I’m glad I stumbled upon this article. We’re both happier because of our new arrangement. I get a better night’s sleep and my husband, who is a neat freak, gets a tidy bedroom. Win-win!
30
I have found that a soft foam disposable earplugs do the trick as far a my partner's snoring goes. The noise is still there, it just doesn't bother me. And snuggling helps her get to sleep.
7
How about a sleep study and probably a CPAP for snorers, hey?
My husband and I have been together 50 years. I learned to love the freight-train noises emerging beside me... until 15 years ago, when I realized they were symptoms of a health hazard.
He had a sleep study, was instantly issued a CPAP, and the snoring vanished. Vanished!
And yes, we've always shared the same bed. Touching each other now and then when half-asleep makes for sweet dreams.
14
My husband snores like a freight train when he gets going. He also talks and sometimes yells in his sleep. I am awakened 3-4 times most nights. We've worked out a system where it's OK for me to prod him until he stops, even if it wakes him up a little.
We don't have an extra bedroom, but when we were shopping for a new couch I would lie down on each one to see if I'd be able to sleep on it. I've started "migrating" every morning about 5am and I like it.
13
People should not mistake 'sleeping in the same bed' with making time for intimacy and sexuality.
We sleep in separate beds but we also make plenty of time for intimacy and sexuality. This has worked well for over 35 years.
There is some sort of ridiculous and outdated taboo against separate bedrooms, but getting a good night's sleep is important to health and emotional well being. It's also important to a good long term relationship.
The truth is you might experience a lot more intimacy and a much better relationship if you have separate bedrooms.
A good night's sleep makes one a lot more attractive and a great deal more fun!
43
Been happily married 60 years. Been very happily sleeping separately for 33.
28
Even before I had an intimate relationship, I knew I would always want my own bedroom and closet, and if possible, my own bathroom. Adjoining bedrooms would be nice or as Katherine Hepburn said, maybe men and women should just live next door to each other.
41
I always try to sleep in the same bed as my husband at night. If it works out, great, if not, I move to another location and try to sleep there. I established very early in our relationship that it's insomnia and not that I'm mad at him, and this arrangement seems to be working well for both of us.
6
My husband and I have been married 16 years and recently decided to "accept and embrace" that we prefer separate bedrooms.
For years one of us (usually him) would get up around 1am and move to the couch or spare bedroom. He is a light sleeper and an early bird, whereas I'm a night owl. He used to snore though since he lost weight that stopped.
Recently we just accepted that sleeping separately works better for both of us. At first we felt ashamed to admit it aloud (to friends/co workers) and but now we've embraced what felt like a revolutionary discovery- we prefer separate bedrooms.
It makes sex kind of sexier for some reason (though we've always enjoyed a fabulous sex life together). We both sleep better and longer. When we travel we sleep together and it's fine but when home we enjoy going back to our own bedrooms.
21
my wife and i have separate bedrooms with separate bathrooms -- have had for twenty years -- and we always get separate twin beds at hotels when we travel. it's fair to say we have very different sleeping habits; she goes to bed at 9:30, i'm a night owl; i enjoy a window open to the night sky and she requires complete darkness; she has restless legs and i snore.
i am deeply grateful for the fact that we have a great marriage.
the simple test, man or woman, is to look at your sleep quality: do you go to bed when you want, go to sleep when you want, feel safe and serene where you sleep, love your mattress, sleep all night without waking up, wake up when you want, feel fresh and rested? if not, why not?
in part this is a health issue, but in part it's also an issue of how much lifestyle conformity, received wisdom and partner expectations you allow to get in the way of your personal and biological needs.
35
I think the bottom line is that although sleeping in separate beds will likely improve the quality of each individual's sleep in married couples, it can sometimes (or possible often) represent the beginning of the end of a marriage.
It would be interesting to know what percentage of 'sleep divorces' end in actual divorce vs.produce the result of a happier marriage perhaps even with a good sex life. (There would also be the 'happy' sexless marriages category in separate beds or bedrooms also).
That would be an interesting study.
10
@A reader - The idea that a couple has to share a bed and bedroom to maintain a "good" marriage is absolute nonsense. Separate sleeping arrangements is not the end of intimacy. From personal experience I can guarantee having your own bed in another room in the house will make sure the marriage lasts. Fifty-five years and counting.
35
@Barbara Barbara, I had a different experience, so for me it is not absolute nonsense. I was speaking about a study on what percentage of people who have sleep divorces end up divorcing....
2
Reading comments here has been cheering. "We read to know we're not alone . . . " We too have had our own bedrooms for a long time. We always go to bed together, and to sleep together, but about 1 AM, he wakes and walks the few steps to his own room, where he sleeps well. Every. Single. Night. It is automatic now. He snores, and cannot stand my heavy duvet. (I keep my room colder and love the weight of the covers.) Our little dog sleeps through the night, silently, in her crate next to my bed. I wake earlier, make coffee and read the NYT, while he is able to sleep a bit longer. This works well for us, but none of our friends have arrangements like this, so nice to see that many do.
32
My husband and I have had separate bedrooms since the time we could afford them. When we travel, we do the "two beds and white noise app" thing at the very least, although in the past few years Airbnb has come in handy. If people think it's weird, that's on them. Also, booty calls are fun.
26
No one rule for all.
First husband snored. It was comforting, until the last few months of our marriage. Then I wanted to put a pillow over his face.
Second husband bounces around. I’m in love. I’ve learned to sleep on the edge of the mattress.
I’ve always been prone to bad dreams. I cannot adequately describe the comfort I get when awakening in the middle of the night....and being able to gently touch the person who cares for me the most in this world. Waking up alone and having to go into the next room wouldn’t be as good for me.
I’ve been told that I snore, not that I believe them. Two Benadryl at bedtime seems to help.
Sweet dreams everyone.
6
As a “separate sleeper” I find travel presents all sorts of problems. It’s awkward to explain to friends/family if we are houseguests, and hotels can be also problematic.
6
Sleeping in separate bedrooms destroyed my marriage. I do snore and tried many solutions to no avail including throat surgery, although I was never diagnosed with sleep apnea and the sleep studies consistently showed “normal snoring”. Going to bed and waking up alone for 15 years didn’t feel good at all no matter what else we did. As soon as the kids left the house we divorced. My second wife didn’t mind my snoring and it’s comforting to hear her light snoring when I wake up in the night.
11
@Jorge Romero. Not minding your partner’s snoring is one thing, but having someone’s snoring completely preventing you from getting any sleep at all is another. I would bet your first marriage had other issues than just snoring.
23
My husband and I have separate bedrooms. We both sleep much better that way -- he snores, I'm a very restless sleeper and thrash around a lot. But our invariable routine is that whichever one wakes up first (usually him) goes and gets into bed with the other one. We spend 15 or 20 minutes cuddling and kissing. Sometimes this leads to more, sometimes it doesn't. (We're in our 60s and we both find that we're much more interested in intimacy in the mornings than we would be at night.) We both cherish our morning cuddling sessions and don't find that sleeping apart has lessened our closeness at all -- quite the opposite, in fact.
48
Have the heavy snorers been screened for sleep apnea? Once my spouse was diagnosed with such and began using the dreaded "CPAP." I no longer had to retire to the spare bedroom to get a good night's sleep. Something to consider.
9
We are happily married for almost 30 years and not sharing a bedroom for almost all of that span. We have totally different sleep habits, whether it is room temp, number of blankets and pillows, bedtimes, etc. A well rested wife is a happy wife!
62
The hubby made quite a racket
I just simply could not hack it
Forget about counting sheep
Wanted to kill him in his sleep
Off I went to the pull out couch
But didn’t solve his becoming a louche
Left me for another woman
Hope he’s nestled in her bosom
And his snoring keeps her up all night
While my sweet bed now feels just right
136
Having the pet dog in bed has necessitated separate bedrooms. Both of us sleep better this way, but it hasn't been good for our relationship.
4
There are reasons to share a mattress but sleep is not one of them.
49
@Tom C
Thanks for making me laugh! That's now engraved on my memory cells for all time!
3
We're married 47 years. She goes up at 10PM, reads her last few chapters of her book.
I come up at 11PM. Do my routine and go to sleep. Literally. I fall asleep in under two minutes. When I come up I expect the light to go out. I like total darkness. Once asleep I rarely awaken and I wake in the morning in about the same position. The cats sleep next to me because of that. She tosses and turns, makes noises or if she can't fall asleep turns the light on to read. If I have the rare night when I awake and can't go back to sleep I go downstairs. I usually fall asleep at my desk for a few hours sitting up.
I get up at 5-6 AM, feed the cats, feed the dogs, take medications and eat.
She gets up at 10AM now that she's retired. When she worked she dragged herself around getting up 30 minutes before she had to be at work, she worked 10 minutes away and it was a part time position. I was self employed and worked 10-12 hours a day sometimes more.
Guess why I could sleep soundly?
4
I'm 69 yo and15 years older than my husband. We've been married now 18 years. I believe we have a stable and enjoyable relationship. I wanted separate bedrooms when we first began living together.
He snores like a train coming into the station/I only snore when I have a cold. He loved his rock hard bed with no pillows/I like soft with lots of pillows. He likes to retire to the bed at 10pm and read or play phone games until 3 or 4 am/I go to bed at 11pm. I believe he could sleep through an atomic bomb going off in the middle of the afternoon/the slightest sound wakes me and if there is a dim light I can't sleep.
We both worked from home often. In the beginning we had to share an office, which was the entire second floor. I like everything filed away and placed precisely where I put it. He has piles of papers in his stacks of filing system that went back to the early 90's. He likes to walk back and forth like a tiger when on the phone/I can't concentrate on design when there is a tiger in the room. I like to share the solutions I found to whatever I was working on but my phone calls to family and friends distracted his working mode for, sometimes, days on end.
I love that man with all my heart. I think he is smart, honorable, and just plain good.
We each now have our own offices and bedrooms. We share brunch on the weekends, dinners every night and have a date night on Wednesdays. Oh, and he is not allowed to drive my car, so he went out and bought one exactly like mine!
38
We have separate bedrooms (and offices) too.
I could never sleep with his incredibly loud snoring.
Not only do we both sleep better, but I actually think having separate bedrooms adds quite a bit of romance! We have been happily married for over 30 years.
26
Why are women such light sleepers? My ex would wake at the drop of a pin, and then sit there reading or playing games on her phone and claim she couldn't get back to sleep. I shared a communal bedroom with my son, his friend and another guy my age, at a cabin recently, and though my friend snored loudly, I only heard it when I had to wake to pee. I had no problem falling back to sleep. And if I ever do, I use self hypnosis to put me back to sleep, works every time! This mismatch in bed is a two way street, it's incumbent on the light sleepers to fix their issues, too!
1
Plenty of men are light sleepers also. My father is and my mother snores like a freight train. It's a bad combination. Separate bedrooms the last 15 years have kept him sane and well rested.
12
@JS
Because the woman who doesn't wake up to the slightest twitch or noise is putting a new born at risk.
If you believe the hunter/gather evolution theory, men were gone sleeping in the open while hunting great beasts for the majority of their life. Personally, I think that may be true because many never made it past 25 and I think that is because most didn't wake up until the sabre-tooth cat was dragging them away while their companions contentedly slept on.
Meanwhile, back at base camp, women had to keep the fires going to warm the caves or huts, keep the babies in a even temperature. They had to respond to the slightest whimper or stirring or that new born would be dead by morning. It even makes sense that if one woke to the soft padding of an animal a bunch of women forming a line with burning torches would give even a cave bear 2nd thoughts about snatching little Johnny Jr.
I too can fall asleep anytime I wish, but not stay asleep if there is change in lighting, noise, or temperature.
39
@JS
There aren't a lot of options for either side.
My ex used to snore really loudly and was a heavy sleeper, nothing he tried worked. I'd wake up multiple times a night. I tried sleeping pills as my only option and they did nothing but make me feel like garbage. There aren't good solutions for either half of the equation beyond separate bedrooms (which isn't great).
2
My wife and I have slept in separate bedrooms for about 15 years. At first the idea drove me mad, but the truth is that I think it was and has been the best choice. Now, after having sex and chilling I am actually the first to say, ok let's go to sleep , meaning I am going to my bedroom or she is going to her bedroom. I snore and I am a spinner in bed and I hated when she would wake me up when I was snoring; I can only imagine the torture she felt with my snoring.
When we travel we always book a room with separate beds and if the budget would permit, we would take 2 separate rooms. After "maturing" a bit, the idea of two adults sleeping thru the whole night, every night, in the same bed now seems kind of an absurd, past invention, probably by an insecure male.
73
@Josef K. Yes - we also always book hotel rooms with 2 doubles or queens. Sometimes that gets us a weird look when we check-in, but I could care less.
5
In many of these comments 'light sleeper' is clearly a metaphor for...busy brain, stress, anxieties. fears, childhood issues, survival? We need to talk about these issues openly with the right words, just like snoring and bed-hogging.
1
Besides snoring, restless less, heat cold, there are also incompatible noise and light levels, say one partner likes to read and the other watch TV. You don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7 to have a good marriage!
56
@Marti Mart. Agree 100%. Two individual adults who must stay in constant contact with each other, both physically and emotionally, is something I just cannot fathom.
16
"You’re kind,
You’re so kind
You rescued me when I was blind
And you put me on your pillow
When I was on the wall
You’re kind,
So kind
So kind
And you’re good, you’re so good
You introduced me to your neighborhood
Seem like I ain’t never had so many friends before
That’s because you’re good, you’re so good
Why you don’t treat me like the other humans do
Is just a mystery to me
It gets me agitated when I think that
You’re gonna love me now indefinitely
So good-bye, good-bye
I’m gonna leave you now
And here’s the reason why
I like to sleep with the window open
And you keep the window closed
So good-bye
Good-bye
Good-bye"
"You're Kind" -- Paul Simon
https://www.paulsimon.com/track/youre-kind-2/
9
The uberrich have been doing it for years. His and hers bedrooms connected by a door. Its crazy to think you have to share a bed through colds, and snoring, and blanket wrestling. We both feel better since we did it. Start the night together, sleep apart.
29
Consider a bedroom comprising two small and separate sleeping chambers adjoining a common area. My wife rejected this idea when we were building a new home. Now, given some snore-induced sleepless nights, she's having second thoughts.
9
I find it amusing that the snorers in both the article and the comments are all men. In my experience, women are splendid snorers too! The question is not whether anyone snores; it’s simply a matter of how much!
1
@Opie Taylor. Yes, women snore too, but it doesn’t seem to bother men as much, generally.
1
Never confuse love with the need for a good night' rest.
27
@JD Ripper
on par with, "If you love them, let them sleep"
7
funny, most of the comments are from women
@paul Look again, there are plenty of men here as well.
5
As one poster said, sleeping at home in two different rooms doesn't translate to travel. Most Airbnb's are out since they usually have queen beds. Foreign destinations are out since getting a hotel room with two separate beds is difficult to find. Staying with friends - again, usually a full or queen bed. My wife is a light sleeper, so my now and then snoring bugs her.
My wife doesn't understand that the main reason I want to buy a travel RV is to be able to sleep at opposite ends of the trailer - I know its a stupid investment, but maybe we'll travel more.
5
When you sleep separately, what is missed? You are UNCONSCIOUS while you are sleep. We do and are celebrating our 42nd anniversary soon. We have given much attention to communications and touch, again while CONSCIOUS. A good night's rest is of paramount importance to loving each other and she is the love of my life.
30
I was the one who decided to move to the guest bedroom after 20+ years of sleeping in the same bed as a married couple. I had a stressful job and a stressful, long commute, I needed to be up at 5:30AM and I finally had to put an end to losing precious sleep due to my husband's snoring and, even worse, his tossing and turning all night and frequent trips to the bathroom.
Sadly, even though we both slept much more comfortably in separate rooms (and he himself admitted this) he never forgave me for "abandoning the marital bed" which he took as a personal offense and brought up many times in the following 30 years, until the time he passed.
How I wish he could read this article and the many positive readers' comments.
35
My thought is that separate bedrooms are right for some but not for all. It must be hard if a couple does not align in this way.
From the comments, it sounds like separate bedrooms works for a lot of people, but personally, I don’t sleep well (or really at all) when I sleep without my spouse so it’s not an arrangement that works for me (and I am married to a snorer).
1
@M. Imberti Sorry to hear he was so selfish as to not understand that it was his behaviour that was the root of the need to sleep apart. I don't know if reading these testimonials would have made a difference. I'm glad you're doing well and don't regret your choices. Good for you.
2
We slept together for the first 25 years of our marriage. Then as I aged I found his snoring harder to bear. We've slept apart, in close rooms, for the last 24 years. It works great. We laugh as we wish each other good night. I adore him as much as when I married him.
29
From the beginning, sleeping together was one of the very best things of our relationship. But over the years our schedules diverged. I wanted to be up at 4:00 and she needed to sleep until 7 or 8. She couldn't bear having a light turned on, waking her up, so I paired my socks neatly and upon rising, reached for them in the dark. She couldn't abide the drone of an air conditioner, but often watched TV while I was trying to fall sleep.
Finally I proposed sleeping by myself in the spare room, away from the TV and with my own air conditioner, closet and chest of drawers. She rejected the idea but agreed to try it for a couple of days. I slept very well but naturally felt all alone and missed her presence in the bed.
A few days later when I announced the experiment was over, she told me, on the contrary, it was heavenly bliss to sleep separately and I would not be rejoining her in the master bedroom. And that was that. We never slept together again, until many years later when she had cancer, shortly before she died.
24
@Kevin - somewhere, this very moment, an aspiring or established writer is reading the posts to this article and exclaiming aloud: "good lord, this would make a heck of good book. insights into people, insights into marriages, insights into love, sex and caring, insights into human nature -- the mattress chronicles!"
7
My husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea shortly after I was in the middle of menopause. I sweated, he snorted, we shared a double bed and neither of us got any sleep. 30 years later we have separate bedrooms.....he likes his cool, I like mine on the warmer side. We have a weekly "visit" just to keep the flame lit. Works for us!
22
My husband and I have slept apart for 20 years after giving togetherness a try for 5 long, sleepless, crabby years. We have visiting privileges, obviously, but no sleep deprived fights and spaced out grocery trips. It works for us, and I make no apologies!
28
We had a kingsize headboard and two twin mattresses - for almost 50 years of marriage worked well for us. He loved heavy quilts, I love light weight blankets, He hated an electric blanket, I need one to keep my feet warm at night (except during a heatwave of course.
7
We are lucky to live in a world where we get to define our own relationships. We are all better people when we're well-rested. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and sleep in separate bedrooms. There is no love lost between us, just bad nights of sleep and grouchy bickering in the morning.
Sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms, with the intent to have a better and healthier sleep life, does not say anything about a marriage, love, romance, attraction, etc. To everyone afraid to talk to their spouses or significant others about this, please keep in mind that better sleep allows us to bring our best selves to the relationship.
25
My husband and I have slept in separate bedrooms for years. We are getting ready to downsize and move to one floor living soon and one of the problems I've been having looking at real estate is that all the newer homes have these gigantic master bedroom suites, complete with sitting areas and tray ceilings while the secondary bedrooms are tiny. I'm perplexed as to why anyone would want a bedroom larger than their "great" room.
36
@Alice S. That’s interesting and not too surprising. However, I have recently noticed that some new houses have two master suites (both with their own bathrooms). How completely civilized ... and, if not needed, perfectly acceptable for a kid’s bedroom or guest room. PS. My husband and I have slept in separate bedrooms for the last 20 of our 30 year marriage.
9
These comments are from folks who started sleeping double in a single bed and then graduated to separate facilities. But what about newlyweds where one partner - moi, single for many years - dreads the idea of having to share his space every night. How to broach the idea without my wife-to-be - who is quite traditional - asking for annulment?
4
@Puny Earthling
If she asking for an annulment it is more than your preference for sleeping in separate quarters.
5
My wife has Parkinson's disease in an advanced stage so of course we sleep apart now as she has violent dreams and acts them out .
I sleep across from her some 15 feet away and watch her all through the night sort of even with my ears while I am sleeping.
Separate from each other we are both safe.
18
As a physician, I want a fully rested night for the days that I am working. So does my partner. So we sleep together on our time off and sleep separate when we are working. It has worked perfectly.
29
I am very grateful for my living arrangement. When my partner moved in, he got his own room and a kitchenette. This set up is fantastic! And yes, of course, we have sleepovers. Patterns I've noticed when telling people: It's only "young" folks who think this is odd; Most people say they are jealous; And finally, sleeping separately is far more common than I previously thought. Many people (who also are in happy & healthy relationships) shared with me that they sleep separately - it's just not an official set up.
20
We had separate beds in the same room. If he were still alive, we'd probably have changed that to separate rooms by now.
But if you're not comfortable going straight to separate rooms, and you like very different temperatures or one of you tends to steal the covers, two beds close to each other is a good way to get started.
9
I figured that we weren't the only couple sleeping separately. My wife moved into her own bedroom a while back, and our relationship is much improved. I like it pitch black and cold as a meat locker, she likes it with soft lights and 78 degrees and still sleeps with a quilt. I'm up at 6, she sleeps in. I like a soft mattress, she likes firm. I snore, so I'm told, and always woke her up. it seemed very strange at first, but once our sleep improved, so did the rest of our relationship.
66
We gave up on sleeping together in the master bedroom after making a seriously bad decision about a new mattress for the king size bed we shared. We were empty nesters so we each took one of the empty rooms that had belonged to the kids and have slept in our own quarters ever since. We rest so much better apart - definitely improved our relationship. Our very large Labrador retriever than claimed the master bedroom as her own and enjoyed the rest of her days there, snoring just at contentedly as we did.
27
My parents slept in the same room, same bed for over 60 years. In their 80's they moved into a very nice assisted living facility so my mother could rest from the caregiving of my father who became quite clingy as his dementia progressed. My mother resisted a memory care unit for my father.
One of the prominent memories I have of their last year is my mother sitting by my father's bed holding his hand as he fell asleep and then going to her own room to sleep. Unfortunately my mother died suddenly and unexpectedly before my father; he needed to enter the locked memory care unit because he wandered continuously. We think he was looking for her, but by then he was unable to tell us. His children and his friends were not who he was looking for.
Sleeping in separate rooms or separate beds is a tough discussion to have when one person needs space and rest at night and the other person needs the reassurance of the physical presence of his loved one. As one ages within a relationship, it is good to have some separation issues worked out before separate rooms or beds are needed due to medical issues.
This whole "sleep" issue was not one I wanted to discuss with my parents, but like so many of the intimate medical issues of aging, it came up as part of the oversight of their care.
23
Hallelujah! This article and the comments are so validating. The societal norm of sharing a bed is not for everyone.
My husband is an ER doc and works and sleeps all sorts of wacky hours. I am an 11pm-7am kind of gal. He snores and I need a lot of space for the elaborate pillow situation that helps my back issues. We long ago concluded that we are happier and more well rested when we sleep apart.
3 kids and 15 years together, we both believe that sharing a bed is NOT a must for a happy marriage. Glad we are not alone!
167
Not everyone is the same, but when we moved we looked for a setup where we had not only separate beds or rooms but separate floors of the house!
She has the master bedroom and bathroom on the main floor with the kitchen and living room are as well as her recording studio and the guest room.
I am in the basement with my own room and bathroom, the studio from which I work, and my den as well as the room where the cats are locked away at night. The gym is also on my floor in a totally separate space.
We spend lots of time together primarily in the kitchen/ dining room / living room.
I can actually be teaching late with her asleep upstairs. For two people who work from home this is the only system that could work. We have never been happier!
31
@Brother Shuyun - how about letting your cats out of a locked room at night. They can be surprisingly good sleep partners!
8
@Bon
I know they can! But I have one cat that is just too loud. He also scratches my head at like 2AM.
In the past we actually had a separate building that he got put away in! I think that is why he was at the human society. He could never live in an apartment, the neighbors would be furious!
6
We've been married for 33 years and have slept separately for the last six years. Once our children left the house, we had the opportunity to convert one of the spare bedrooms into my room.
I won't argue with the fact that I snore, but that's just one small factor in our decision to have separate bedrooms...
She likes to watch TV in bed, I find it annoying. That's what the living room is for.
She requires less sleep, so she stays up later and rises earlier.
I prefer the windows open to hear nature sounds, she finds crickets and birds annoying.
She likes a soft mattress, I like mine firm.
And the list continues...
We're both better rested and happier than when we attempted to sleep in the same bed. No regrets.
93
This has always made sense to me. European aristocrats have always had separate bedrooms and then paid visits when sex was desired. This idea that something is wrong with your relationship if you sleep separately is just dumb. Do what works for you.
199
My wife and I have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for decades now. It is the best way to get a good night's sleep and THAT is important. I have restless leg syndrome and snore, she tosses and turns and likes the windows open. I like silence and darkness. It works for us!
I think more people would admit that they would really like to sleep in either separate beds or separate bedrooms.
47
It can cost less to rent 2-bedroom units thru companies like VRBO instead of staying in hotels.
Yes sure, spousal abandonment is always the answer.
(Spoken by someone who has been there, obviously.)
6
@Tim can you elaborate? why is it spousal abandonment?
10
you sex life improves..I feel that when we visit each others room it reminds me of the anticipation of living in separate apartments and whether or not I or she would be staying the night.
15
“It’s usually the wife or girlfriend who favors the idea of separate beds,” Ms. Rapini said. “Women are more sensitive to their bed mate’s bad habits"
Right - like something you do when unconscious - like snoring, or being too warm in a bed that has too many bedclothes on it, in order to suit her - is a "habit."
My wife also snores sometimes...and she likes more bedclothes, which is a problem, because with if you're the cold one, you can always put on PJs...but if you're the hot one, in a bed that has too many coverings (a comforter that comes off only in June, July, August, September...), and you're already nude, you're out of luck.
Actually, we have separate bedrooms and that works out fine for us - we both like it, and no resentments...but this piece is written by a woman, and in it, everything is the guys' fault. Tiresome.
12
@KSA
Actually I think you might have missed the subtext here. The "habits" spoken of might be a little more intimate in nature.
This can get tiresome when all she wants is a good night's sleep.
Paula Poundstone said it best, "After a long day when I finally get up to my bedroom at night, the last thing that I want is someone in there who wants to do "an activity."
7
@KSA A bit sensitive are we?
10
@KSA, I think it's for whatever works for people. A woman will see her perspective and a man will see his, nothing wrong with it. Absent scientific data, "usually" is all a matter of perspective (as in, who is the one who favors the idea of separate beds or who is more sensitive to their bed mate). There is no one stereotype.
The nice thing is the author wrote it to put it out there and it has stimulated healthy discussion here in the comments. In fact, in our marriage, it is the husband who initiated this long ago, prioritizing health and sleep and the wife who initially resisted or thought it meant there was something "wrong" until she eventually grew to appreciate it. No one gender has a monopoly on this but the author is still to be commended for getting this out there.
1
Married couples sleeping in the same bed together every night is actually a relatively recent development. Throughout most of human history if you were a peasant, more likely than not your entire family slept in one bed together if you even had a bed. And if you were higher class and had money, you would have separate bedchambers for the husband and wife, with one visiting the other when they felt like having sex, and then they could choose to spend the rest of the night together or go back to their respective bedchambers.
It’s really only since the 19th century that couples slept in the same bed regularly if they had the means to do otherwise.
18
Why is there so much guilt involved in separate sleeping areas? I long to sleep in own bed, alone & spread out due to snoring & sleep schedules. And yet it ‘makes him feel sad’. After 20 years of marriage I’d think this insecurity wouldn’t exist.
48
@Anna
I'm in the same boat. The only good night's sleep I get is when I travel without him. I have always thought of myself as a bad sleeper until I spent a week visiting a friend and had the best week of sleep ever. I'm getting resentful about this which is dangerous to the relationship.
13
We're in two different continents and that's close enough.
39
@MB
Ha! Good one. I bit of much needed levity.
5
@MB Thanks for the laugh!!!
5
Not long ago, the NYTimes published an article on how important it is for partners to share a bed despite issues like snoring. Now this article says the opposite. A bit frustrating.
12
@LB
I read that article as well. It was just opinion and speculation. This one has both a logical and scientific basis.
13
These are opinion pieces; not fact based-evidence regarding the “right” thing to do. We’re human; we like/need different things. Do what works for you and your partner.
8
When our kids were young, I would sneak out of our bedroom after they were asleep and then I would sleep on the couch or spare bed. I was worried about what they would think if my husband and I were not together. So silly! Of course they knew what was going on. After they moved out for college, I remade one of their bedrooms into my room with all the stuff I need for a good night sleep, very dark curtains, firm mattress and NO TV.
Marriage is going on 38 years and I am not afraid to tell anyone that we have separate bedrooms... and highly recommend it!
Am very grateful that we have the extra room.
52
Simple answer: at some point in our 50s and above, sleep becomes so essential it’s an unattainable luxury good if you share a bed with someone who snores. There is absolutely *no* way my husband and I would survive in the same bedroom, because he snores so loudly it sounds like a veritable freight train (diesel type) pulling into a loud station. In a long marriage, you get over the whole “side by side” sleeping thing in favor of a good night’s rest, for heaven’s sake! You can meet up for a booty call “your place or mine” style. Plus we have different cycles/rituals: I like to read and watch trash tv (cable politics qualifies) and he loves sports and no reading in bed. I’m sure we’re no different than other couples in that regard. What we *haven’t* figured out yet is how to enjoy our vacations together without one of us sleeping on a couch in an adjoining sitting room (and paying a premium!)
78
@TurandotNeverSleeps Loud snoring is a potentially dangerous medical condition that can lead to high blood pressure, and increasing the likelihood of stroke. Simply consigning a spouse to a separate sleeping arrangement rather than dealing with snoring as a medical problem may not be the best solution to the problem.
6
@TurandotNeverSleeps ha ha yes totally with you regarding the frustration at paying a fortune on this front!!!
2
@TurandotNeverSleeps
We rent vacation homes with two bedrooms and make sure the bedrooms are not right next to each other. More expensive for sure, but it's the only way for me to escape his extremely loud snoring.
6
Couples are more worried about what others might think than what is best for them. It is similar to how much sex is right. Whatever works for the couple. Being grumpy from lack of sleep can never be good for a relationship.
98
My most beloved one snores like crazy. He pulls all the blankets over to his side. But (gasp) separate beds? What could you possibly be thinking?
6
I am thinking you need more sleep to be the best “you” you can be. But it’s your life: you can go on being frustrated with your beloved. Or the two of you can work together as the loving team you are to get each one of you the healthful sleep humans need.
6
@June3
Well. personally, I'm thinking my wife and I have never given a single thought to what others think of our separate sleeping arrangements (for about the last 15 of our 44 year marriage).
And I'll tell you what...do whatever works best for you and I'll promise not to think at all of yours.
7
Differences in sleep environment requirements are very real but separate bedrooms are not always a practical solution, either because of a desire to be together or because of a lack of space (we don't all live in huge multi-bedroom houses). The good news is there are lots of solutions available!
Both my husband and I are easily disturbed by noise, so we wear earplugs to bed. Our platform bed helps prevent one of us from being disturbed when the other moves around at night. My husband likes to read before bed but I don't, so I use eyeshades to block out his dim reading light.
As with any other relationship issues respectful communication and creative solutions are the key.
3
@Sheri I think the point is whatever works for you is fine. When we travel I have to use eyeshades and earplugs because we usually are in our family member's guest bed. After a while my ears get sore from the earplugs and sometimes they aren't even enough for me to get back to sleep when he's in a snore-fest. At home I have a separate room - if I wake up and can't get back to sleep I move. It's no big deal.
13
@Sheri I know it's a common solution - but for the life of me, I can not sleep with earplugs. Do you have a particular brand/style? Or do people just have to acclimate to them?
8
@Beth
For all those who are bothered by a partner's snoring: we have both had this problem for years, but once we put a humidifier in our bedroom, our snoring stopped!
3
I wish sharing a bed wasn't so loaded with symbolism and meaning. I love my husband but I would LOVE to sleep in my own bed and get a better night's rest.
56
@Daniela Smith My husband is a horrible snorer and we have slightly different sleep schedules. We've discussed having separate bedrooms but our current home doesn't really allow it. We've made some changes that have helped, however: (1) Upgraded from queen to king mattress. (2) A supply of foam earplugs. Can't wear them every night, but they do help. (3) Eye masks (I like the molded ones that don't rest on your eyelids). (4) An extra blanket for my side – one of those faux-fur throw blankets.
Both of my sets of grandparents had separate beds, Lucy-and-Ricky style, and I never really thought anything of it!
2
No Kidding. The Husband and I have had separate bedrooms for 30 plus years, since we could afford to do so. He has chronic insomnia, and uses the electronic devices, even in bed ( thanks, Apple ). Plus, I have had huge Dogs that must sleep in my bed with me. I recommend it highly, the only thing better for a marriage is separate Bathrooms.
Seriously.
94
@Phyliss Dalmatian
Amen and hallelujah. You've got it exactly right, including the order / priority of separation.
6
@Phyliss Dalmatian We had separate bathrooms, even when we shared a bedroom. Would not have it any other way.
8
We don’t have the space for separate bedrooms, but have found a solution that works for us: the “pillow wall”. A substantial pillow, placed on its side between us. When I lay between the pillow wall and a white noise app on my phone, I hear very little of the snoring on the other side of the wall. It’s a portable solution too; works just as well away from home.
17
@I love Lucy! That's hilarious! But, hey...whatever works!!
1
This is us, and a much happier us. I'm a morning person, he's a night owl and we meet in the 'twain. Happier, healthier marriage, plenty of sleep for everyone and surprise - much better intimacy!
13
Yes!!!! We both snore and we each have our own room. It was never about snubbing one another, it was always about enjoying a full night's sleep. We've not once argued about it.
We enjoy entertainment and hobbies together and also go our separate ways as well. Better to not be joined at the hip and unable to function on our own.
48 years later, we're still happy.
21
Snoring at the most severe level will not allow the other partner to sleep. When you wake the snorer and ask them to roll over they become annoyed. It is much better to sleep apart when this is the dynamic. It does not mean the you have no sex life, or that you don't love each other.
32
We did better when we got a split king sleep number. Still together, but not! It's great
5
It is common in Scandinavia to have two beds next to each other, under one headboard, with a separate single sized comforter on each.
This makes much more sense than the typical shared American bed.
16
Where does this convention that we need to sleep together if married come from? This article stands on the shoulders of cultural expectations without really questioning them. I'm wondering how much conjugal "rights," a father's transfer of the bride to the groom and a husband's ownership of the offspring contributes to the expectation of the shared bed. A marriage contract does not always contain the virginity of the bride and the pledge of a single partner in every culture. It is a Jewish/Muslim/Christian practice thus should be examined for misogyny.
Practically speaking, it sure is sweet to cuddle together on a chilly night. But it is time to get more creative with partnership contracts and think out of the box instead of living one's life bound by enculturated expectations whether they fit personally or not.
15
Sleep’s complicated in our house. Husband has periodic limb movement syndrome (twitching and thrashing at intervals), sometimes snores, has GERD which causes digestive noises, and likes the bedroom cold in the summer (I like it cold in the winter). If I’m tired enough, and the slight white noise my CPAP sounds soothing, I sleep OK no
matter what’s going on on the other side of the bed. But if I’m having trouble falling asleep, the constant disruptions every few minutes wake me up over and over just as I’ve drifted off. Eventually I can’t go back sleep but the CPAP machine is bulky and awkward to pick up and carry to the spare bedroom. Ends with both of us short on sleep and cranky.
9
I know 2 couples in Austria who have always used 2 separate bedrooms, in both cases because one of the partners likes to stay up reading and the other wants to sleep early and get up with the sun. Their long marriages are among the happiest I know. There must be something to it. It also does not hurt to be able to have 2 bedrooms...
15
I reject this article. Togetherness is a good thing! (Except for sharing library cards--that's where I draw the line...)
7
@rprasad Have you ever had years of being sleep deprived because of a partner's loud snoring? Until you have, you don't understand what it is to feel so sleep deprived.
8
@rprasad
And I reject your rejection!
Luckily, neither of us is has to pay any attention to the other's preference. Is this a great country or what!
5
Oh thank goodness. We were not meant to sleep together! I haven't slept in the same bed with an SO in ten years. I have been living with my current SO now for four years. I built a roommate style home. Every night at ten he says good night and closes the barn door to his private quarters (bedroom, bath, and study). Neither of us snores, but his area is cold as a meat locker. Also I have developed a bladder issue that wakes me up several times a night, and I don't want to bother him. Into our sixties, our intimate life is sexy and amazing, and sometimes he comes to me in the middle of the night and wakes me up. So not just separate beds, but separate quarters! We are both up around 5 while I wait until I smell the coffee brewing, and I am so excited to see him again. I brush my hair and a spray of perfume and moisturizer. Keeps everything fresh and great boundaries.
21
First marriage: I would have killed for separate bedrooms. Second marriage: unthinkable—I sleep best wrapped in my husband’s arms. Compatible sleep patterns and styles makes a huge difference but so does the physical attraction.
13
We grew up in different temperature houses, I, a cold one, her's a hot one. We now sleep in separate bedrooms, her's warm, mine cold, her's with a TV, mine, no TV (I don't watch it). I go to bed early, she late. Works out fine.
19
My husband and I have bedrooms we refer to as his, hers and ours. My snoring was really disturbing his sleep, not to mention the talking in my sleep. We came to the conclusion that we can sleep in separate rooms and still be intimate. We both sleep much better.
Oh and add to that, I wear a CPAP , very sexy.
Having separate sleeping areas is also relaxing. I like to read before I go to sleep and my husband wants quiet and darkness.
You don't need to sleep together to know you love each other.
72
Been living with my partner/now husband for 4 years now, and we've always had separate rooms. I always thought we HAD to sleep in the same bed (because that's what EVERYONE does, right?!) until one day we just...didn't? No regrets. None.
Am I missing out on "quality time" with him at 3:37am on a Tuesday morning? I think not.
120
Nothing is better than a good nights sleep, a king size bed is a must and my husband and I kind of sleep in shifts since one is a lark and the other a night owl.
Also separate bathrooms make for a happier relationship.
When we vacation and spend most of our time in outdoor activities, no phones no screens and no tv, along with alcohol and daily sex, we both sleep fine together.
I am the night owl but when I am on vacation away from the stress of the daily house upkeep and distractions mentioned above I do go to bed earlier.
6
Eleven years into our marriage my husband began to jerk in his sleep, much like a full body restless leg syndrome, usually at 11 second intervals. (I had plenty of awake time to count.) Soon after he began to act out his dreams, sometimes hurting himself or me, sometimes waking from having heard intruders that weren't apparent to me. I eventually learned these were sleep disturbances associated with Lewy Body Dementia.
12
@L121
Carefully dosed quetiapine can help.
Tiny doses (start 6.25 mg) and watch for benefits and problems.
@L121
I am sorry for this challenging diagnosis. Best to you both.
9
@jazz one
Thank you. He died 9 years later. It was hard, also quite wonderful at times.
2
My parents, married 54 years today, have slept in separate bedrooms for as long as I can remember, due to snoring, getting up for the bathroom, etc. When I was a kid, their twin beds in the same room embarrassed me; friends would ask, "Whose room is THAT?" But now, I completely get it. I have been single for a long time and cannot imagine sharing a room, let alone a bed. In fact, when I briefly reconciled with an ex-BF a number of years ago, the few times we slept in the same bed I remember thinking it would never work out because of his snoring (like a chainsaw) and sleep drooling. The relationship did not work out, again, for other reasons, but I was relieved at not having to ask for my own bed space (he would not have wanted to sleep apart).
18
CPAP machines for both of us, and a shared king-size Sleep Number bed that allows separate firmness settings for each: For us, that's the secret of being able to sleep together.
The CPAP ends snoring, and though it looks awful it prevents sleep apnea, which can be life-threatening, not just annoying.
14
Common sense never gets an expiration date. My wife and I relocated into separate bedrooms as soon as we moved into a house that allowed it -- 42 years ago. Last month we marked 51 years together. Not much can beat a good night's sleep ... and your body and mind will thank you for it.
130
Congrats on 50 plus years together! I am with you. We have been together over 35 years. Let's hear it for a good night's sleep! Separate bedrooms are where it's at!
17
Once my last partner had to start using a CPAP machine, that was the beginning of the end of us sharing a bed. The hum of the machine was loud enough to be heard despite my wearing silicone earplugs, and the vibration of the machine could be felt all the way on my side of the bed. Also, that partner was much larger than me and tossed and turned in his sleep, sometimes resulting in an arm or leg poking me or landing on me in the middle of the night. Once i moved my sleeping into another room, I slept peacefully. Whoever becomes my future partner will need to be okay with my sleeping alone. I'm a light and sensitive sleeper and won't get much shuteye when another person is in the bed.
14
@Leah just a note. The new CPAP machines are quiet and do not vibrate. You can't hear a thing. When I want to sleep in "our room" I take it with me and my husband, who is picky, says it doesn't both him at all.
4
@Louise Rogers-Feher true. I just got a CPAP machine and it is very small and extremely quiet I can barely hear it running and I have excellent hearing. Apparently the older ones are quite a bit noisier but the technological advances are making CPAP machines better by the day!
4
45 years of marriage and now 12 years of sleeping in our own bedrooms. It is more than just sleeping styles, hogging the bed, snoring, flailing about, and other patterns.
I like a bedroom that is free of clutter. The husband has clutter everywhere including the floor.
He rises around 4:30 (ADHD and needs very little sleep) and wants to start sharing his thoughts immediately. I like to "sleep in" until 7 or so, and need quiet in the early mornings.
So much energy wasted on arguing about these issues over the years! We are both happier in our own night time spaces, although we do like to make visits.
76
This remedy assumes that households have extra space.
Low income households, may not.
In fact with high housing costs in some places, families are doubled and tripled up in the same apartment or house.
14
@SLM I agree that not everyone has extra rooms/space. When my spouse moved to a different room, I slept a lot better. But now we don't have a guest room, so we don't have guests anymore. Sigh....
1
In a real estate survey I read a couple of years ago, it mentioned a growing trend among higher-end new homebuyers in midage: a request for dual master suites, so couples could have separate bedrooms, bathrooms, and closets. What's not to love?
159
@Jennifer Your partner, obviously.
9
@DPS lol u funny!
6
My husband got a CPAP machine and I sleep much better -- it's so quiet now!
6
Separate bedrooms are fine for home but it does make traveling difficult and more expensive. It's hardly worth going away when you're burned out from lack of sleep due to someone's snoring.
34
@RAC
One room with two beds, and a white noise/ sound machine. I even have a small travel version, using batteries. The “ rain “ setting is pure bliss. But you might have to go to the bathroom more often.
Good luck.
16
My wife, as a paramedic, always worked odd shifts, so we'd gotten used to not sleeping together nightly. Now as an RN, she works night shift, and 4 nights a week I sleep alone. For the past year, she'd been working as a nurse administrator, and worked days. I'm so happy she works nights again! She snores, I toss and turn, and it's so much more restful when we're apart.
27
I know a lot of married folks that sleep in separate bedrooms. I am a light sleeper and a blanket hog, my husband is a light sleeper and flips around all night. During the week we sleep in separate rooms, so we get a good sleep during the work week. On the weekends we sleep in the same bed. It works out very well for the both of us. Friends used to look at me funny when I told them our routine, but some of them have discovered on their own that life is better after a good night's rest.
103
My parents slept in separate rooms for years because of Dad's snoring and they stayed married through both of their periods of dire illnesses for almost 51 years.
69
After years of suffering through my husband's truly epic snoring (likely due to sleep apnea, for which he stubbornly refuses to get tested), which often led to me decamping to the guest room, we finally acknowledged that though there may be a social norm that all married couples must share a bed, we didn't have to abide by it. We later found that several friends and family members had already come to the same conclusion -- usually due to one partner's snoring -- and that all of us now enjoy the same benefits -- uninterrupted hours of sleep, better energy, less late-night bickering and more general harmony!
208
@honeywhite
If you love your husband, you will ensure he is tested for sleep apnea. I'm 53, 48 when diagnosed with sleep apnea. Relatively athletic at 5' 10" and 175 lbs. I didn't think I was at risk. Thankfully (only because it prompted my sleep apnea diagnosis), I suffered a freak accident and broke my neck. In a neck brace for three months and sleeping on my back caused my as-yet unknown sleep apnea to become much more pronounced to the point I was almost non-functional due to sleep deprivation. My wife mentioned that I would stop breathing and it scared her. That prompted me to get tested and my life changed overnight. No more being sleepy at the wheel, losing focus during meetings, not being able to make it through a movie. Most importantly, I have hopefully avoided the long-term health affects which are numerous and severe. . .
21
@honeywhite Sleep apnea is strongly correlated with high blood pressure and chronic kidney disease. Now I have both and wish I had gotten my cpap years ago. Maybe it could have been prevented.
13
@honeywhite Perhaps you can get his MD to tell him that sleep apnea is a potentially fatal condition but it is treatable. Often husbands don't listen to their wives but will say "OK" when told by an(other) authority. I know - I have been in this same situation.
13
A few years ago my husband and I decided to sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring and my sleep difficulties. Our relationship has not suffered at all - in fact we are both more rested and get along even better than before.
112
@Amy every girl needs her own room and bathroom. If I want to read all night or have a snack in bed at midnight i don't want anyone objecting Why share a bathroom with anyone either. I don’t need anyone to see me squeeze a zit or pluck my eyebrows
9
Three mentions of snoring, but none of sleep apnea. Try a CPAP, they help!
8
It isn't always apnea causing snoring.
12
@Multimodalmama, it's almost impossible to snore with a properly fitted and adjusted CPAP, whether one actually has apnea or not (that is, cessation of breathing during the night).
3
Several years ago, we got 2 XL twins put on the same King frame; we are next to each other but have our own space and linens (so no complaints over stolen blankets) and when one of us rolls over, the other is not brought along for the ride. Harmony reigns.
135
@Karen, we don't have separate mattresses, but we started doing the separate linens and blankets thing years ago with wonderful results. I'm a blanket hog who loves to be wrapped up like a burrito; he's under a single sheet and usually throws it off halfway through the night. Our sleep together was awful until we realized, duh, there is actually no reason that people can't have their own sheet and blanket on the same bed.
14
@Karen We did that, too, with separate comforters several years ago! And when we recently upgraded to a Sleep Number bed, the king model with the adjustable head and foot actually came as two twins. Perfect! (Although it did take a while for the cats to get used to not getting their feet stuck in the crack!)
8
That is pretty much the norm in many parts of Europe. It is far more sensible.
12