As someone recently diagnosed with cancer, I loved reading the articles by the author. This one especially resonated and the double consciousness really makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you!
Death seems to be that one imponderable subject for many of us commenting here.
Fear of death has been used against us for centuries, as a means of controlling our collective behaviour, by multiple religions informing us that we will burn in hell if we are not "good", meaning docile and compliant.
One of my parents was a cranky atheist who refused to believe such "nonsense", and as a result, I was raised with no formal religious beliefs. I was shaped in adulthood by a series of experiences that led me to a deep belief in God, although I still harbor a basic mistrust of religions. I never spoke of my experiences to my father. I didn't see the point.
Not long ago, my father died of a stroke. He never regained consciousness, and was in the hospital less than a week. I don't believe he suffered, and I know he would not have wanted to live a life dependant upon anyone else for help of any kind. It was as close to a perfect death as he was likely to get. He was in his eighties, and had been healthy all his life, with no loss of mental or physical function until his stoke. We scattered his ashes at the lake he grew up on.
Not long after he died, he came to me in a dream, radiating ecstatic joy, which, given his surly demeanor, was not a state I had ever witnessed him experience in this life. I would love to be able to ask him now whether he is still an atheist. Perhaps he was trying to let me know he'd had a change of heart. I don't know.
Our inability to stop the greenhouse effect will leave nearly all of us dead by 2050, so we all live intimately with death. I shall die sooner, without the certainty that my younger loved ones will llve full and meaningful lives. The whole human enterprise is unlikely to continue, and no other beings will ever know.
As witness this article?
2
@ken lockridge
The only good advice my father gave me was, 'Every generation thinks it's the end of the world'. He was severely wounded in WWII yet never saw the enemy. One year in hospital.
Cheer up, this too will pass.
1
I have thought about my death and others since very young. Every day.
As a child I held funerals and burials for birds that died slamming into our ‘Picture Window’.
Too many do not plan for the end.
Since 18 when I hear of a friends death, I silently say goodby and I am done. Funerals are for the living. Not fond of them.
I never thought I would live past 21 as 6 close friends died before that age.
Now age 68 I am always surprised and happy to wake each day.
See you in the next Life and don’t be late to paraphrase Jimi Hendrix.
and
Miles to go before I sleep.
Including
To Start a Fire.
Soon!
or not—
1
After the second of two cancer surgeries, while coming up the stairs from the subway, I experienced my heart racing and a sensation of suddenly being in a vacuum, unable to get a breath. Tunnel-vision was next as I made it to a bench in the bus shelter nearby. I was passing out and felt sure it was an embolism.The chest pain was dramatic and I thought this was the end for me. The surprising next thought that I have cherished since that moment was "If it is my end, that's OK. No regrets. I haven't wasted a moment. I'm proud of who I became and the life I lived." No fear. No despair. No worry.
I woke up again---after a time---and was re-hospitalized. Doctors, one and all, told me how unusual it was for someone to survive my condition. I haven't given a second's worry to my death since that day. The insight of that moment was an incredible gift.
7
Thank you for an exquisite, resonant piece.
2
I have been terrified of dying since I saw a lifeless butterfly on the driveway when I was five. At first I was grief-stricken by the fact that my parents would die. I cried. I couldn't sleep. I wouldn't go to school. I wouldn't leave my mothers side. They sent my to a psychiatrist. Hopeless. I am nearly 65. I seem to have spent my life with friends and relatives who were dying. I wanted to learn how they 'did it.' How they lived with the horror of this deadline. A woman named Helen with whom I worked was battling brain cancer and she sensed this in me. She said, 'you can't be scared to death 24 hours a day.' She laughed. But I am still here. Still outraged that a doctor can call and say, cancer, and your reality fundamentally shifts. A word. A single word. It needs a new name. Or a cure. It has always seemed to me the most punitive, the most horrifying part of the death penalty is the fact that a date has been set for you - it is the darkness of dread. This is what is being addressed here - and I am at a loss. Is there more to read? An anthology of people's experiences facing death? Can someone write one? Can I read my way out of this?
@Grantham My heart goes out to you. I was one of those young sensitive children who took every butterfly's death to heart. To day, I'm a 70 years old and a breast cancer survivor. Having cancer really scared me, but I'm still here. I will die sometime, as we all will, but my heart goes out to those young women with children who get the call that tells them they have cancer. I'm so grateful that I was not diagnosed until age 65. Getting that kind of news in your early 30's, well I can't imagine the grief and burden. I've sat at Dad's side when he took his last breath and what I have learned is if they can do it, so can I. Be grateful for the life you have been given and remember that you may end up being 95 years old and wondering why you spent so much of your life worrying about dying.
4
A breath of honest fresh air. Particularly the last paragraph. Thank you for writing and publishing.
2
My father believed the greatest mystery of life was death. Now that I am years past the age when he died, I believe the same. I am less sure of an afterlife than when I was young. I believe, if there is a god, he/she will have an awful lot of explaining to do about the inequalities in this life.
5
Why be coy? We are all dying, and as often heard in hoary old snips, love the ones you are with (if you chose) and live each day as if it is your last.
So many people die unexpectedly from accidents and other tragedies that to not have the attitude to do the right thing now, to tell others who you consider important in your life that you care about them each time you greet or part, is the only way to go through life.
9
My mother passed away at 66 from ovarian cancer- 6 months from diagnosis until death. We didn’t talk about death during her sickness until 1 week before she passed away. I still don’t if that was “right” or “wrong.” It’s all so hard, always remember no right or wrong...simply love and embrace your loved ones everyday.
6
'In a posthumous state, the dead in this movie pick a single memory in which to live forever. With delicacy, its director, Hirokazu Kore-eda, implicitly asks, what memory would you choose?'
This could be a reasonable exercise for the living. As far as the dead go, it might or might not be an option. Perhaps no less fanciful than other ideas is that choosing your memories will be beyond your pay grade at that point. Just as likely, your living actions will determine the state of your post carnal spirit. If so, one might consider that their current actions might modify the post living destiny. 'Death is nature's way of telling us to slow down'; also, perhaps, of putting us in touch once again with reality.
1
I am old and also live with the fact as a caregiver 24/7 for my wife with a serious late stage Parkinson's disease illness , I fear if I die first how will she fare w/o me ?
Then comes in my own private thoughts if death, is there life after death, if so is it Mozart ,or Wagner ,i.e. heaven or hell or a magical event no human could conceive of ,or maybe we just die w/o out any consequences.
I also think of Robert Frank's movie "Pull my Daisy" where in Jack Kerouac's "the Bishop" (an attendee named character but not a
real Bishop" states "How do we know we are already dead" .
Would it were that would be the final blow for us ,that living on earth as we do is already the afterlife from another sphere of existence.
4
"It doesn’t make me the easiest individual in the world to hang out with."
I laughed out loud, Susan. Your columns continue to offer valuable wisdom, well told. I'm happy to hang out with your words here anytime.
9
One moment for all eternity?
When I was told I was pregnant.
When I swam with my friend in the Blue Grotto.
When my partner held me tightly and cried saying he did not want to lose me to cancer. I chose to fight 8 months later I’m still living each moment and more ahead to chose from.
Life until there are no more moments.
27
DECEMBER MORNING
Close to the mirror, fading eyes
flatter your image even though
you wear that radical disguise:
brown spots and wrinkles. Fingers stall
a moment as you use the comb,
then wrestle with those buttonholes
filled with resistance since your bones
began to brittle. You reheat
some coffee, toast a corn meal scone,
eat half. Your hunger can’t compete
with time which masticates unseen.
You clear the table; no more feasting
on those marinating dreams when
days are thinning like your hair.
A broadcast of Brahms’ requiem
is mauled by static - forecasts slur
into oblivion – you have not
been out in days, you need fresh air,
look out the window - sun is up
slowly begins to liquidate
grayed snow. You rinse the coffeepot -
are glad you left your bed unmade when
breath turns leaden in your chest.
You take your pills, lie down and wait
and hope the dreadful heaviness
will lift. You wonder: why do you
cling to each moment, fear the rest
in that uncharted state you knew
before your birth? You almost smile -
were you afraid of being, too?
27
@Nicole Lieberman
Lovely. Thanks for sharing these thoughts with us.
4
For a really different perspective, consider, as Japanese societies have done (at least in the past), not telling the terminal patient that they will soon die. Do we really have to go through the existential angst which can lead nowhere, since we really don't know what happens to our consciousness after death? Maybe the "coming to terms with death" muscle-flexing is over-sold; what is so terrible about just knowing you are very sick and one day, just not awakening?
7
@David Hughes How little those who think this is a good idea, and reflecting upon a patronizing approach to the one afflicted, know about what patients truly know.
Shielding the one who knows already, along with having the additional burden of doing a mental dance trying to remember who knows and who doesn't and to hide the rest, is absolutely the wrong way to approach this. Most of those who I know in medical care feel it is unethical to not answer truthfully, or be upfront, about a condition and what might be helpful for the afflicted to know.
5
@David Hughes What is wrong is that you, and your loved ones you leave behind, never get a chance to say goodbye. As someone who lost a dear loved one to a sudden death, the idea of knowing you are dying and being able to "make arrangements" is so comforting. And the reality is, those who are dying almost always know. Even children who are dying understand the essentials. And what happens when the reality is "kept" from the dying is they then join in the conspiracy of pretending to deny this reality in a misguided attempt to "protect" those who will soon be left behind. As a grief therapist, I find the whole idea something on the level of using leeches to bleed patients.
4
@David Hughes, You know, that's not a bad idea, unless preparing for death is important to the individual, i.e. if one does believe in an afterlife, one might enjoy looking forward to it and embracing the transition.
Thanks for writing this important column. The daily application of sacred ash on the forehead and arms by Hindus after taking a shower provides a reminder of the impermanence of the body in addition to acting as an antidote to insect bites. Yes, remember daily that this body will decay and be gone one day. And be acutely aware of the temporary existence in all its variety, beauty and warts and love all.
7
"Whenever we may live we always stand, with our consciousness, at the central point of time, never at its termini, and we may deduce from that that each of us bears within him the unmoving mid-point of the whole of endless time. It is fundamentally this which gives us the confidence to live without being in continual dread of death."
Arthur Schopenhauer, "Essays and Aphorisms."
9
A morbid column, but necessary and appropriate for all of us, sooner or later.
Socrates said that philosophy is learning how to die. He died calmly, peacefully, thoughtfully, and even happily, that is, he was unafraid and not depressed, because he thought his soul was going to a better place.
He supposedly said, somewhere: Who knows? Maybe death is a blessing.
Thomas Edison's last words were: It's beautiful over there.
Heard this in the pall-bearer's limo at my grandfather's funeral: A priest visited an ailing parishioner in the hospital.The patient was in an oxygen tent. As the priest stood near, the patient began gesturing dramatically then shortly died, but before he did, he passed the priest a note, which he immediately put in his pocket.
Later that day the priest read the note that said, You're standing on my air hose!
12
Death offers perspective.
Love more.
Love better.
22
As a psychologist I would say that one major flaw of the Death Attitude Profile is that it does not take into account whether someone is in the process of facing death or not. I imagine I would respond to the questions very differently if I were diagnosed with cancer or some other life threatening disease. In addition to the bible and my christian faith, another book that I would recommend to others that was very helpful to me after my father died suddenly was Irvin Yalom's Existential Psychotherapy.
8
@David As a psychotherapist who used the Death Attitudes Profile as an essential measure of my dissertation research, I cannot agree with your take on it. What it does is provide interesting and valuable data. Your idea that one might respond differently if one were diagnosed with a terminal disease proposes an interesting idea for another use of the instrument. However, I wholeheartedly agree with your recommendation of Yalom's fundamental text. And for lay people, I highly recommend many of Yalom's other works.
I was laying on the gurney with a heart attack when I realized I had done all I could up to this point in time and the rest was out of my hands and I was ready to die if that was what was called for. I was not afraid to die. I have never forgot it.
37
@1st Armored Division 1971-1973
Thank you for your service.
11
@ 1st Armored: Thank you for sharing your insight.
2
N.Y. Times readers are mostly rational, meaning understanding that humans, like all other animals have a finite life span and then they are no more.
This is not a major element of evolution, in fact while we are with 2% of identical DNA of primates such as baboons, chimpanzees and bonobos, the part of our brain that give us language, advanced civilizations and anticipation of the future is an artifact, a quirk in our major quality of survival, civilization and all that this means.
As this evolved, so did the imagination that cushioned the pain of anticipation of death, ending all pleasure. So most of our species have myths of an afterlife that will perpetuate us on a different plane of existence.
Those who have eschewed such anodyne constructions come to grips with death in idiosyncratic ways. They probably stay away from articles like this, and maybe just think it's been an interesting adventures, full of sound and fury but signifying nothing.
Hey, I just made that up!
2
@Call Me Al
One possibility is to realize that "I" cannot die, because "I" never exist(ed). "I" is an idea, an epiphenomena, a confabulation.
It's very like worrying that unicorns may go extinct.
8
@Ann O. Dyne
All the components of civilization create the "I" to control it's zeitgeist. Good metaphor you provide, yet it is rare that one is reared with marching orders: Hey kid, there is no meaning except enjoyment, bliss however you find it and avoiding the restraints of "law,morals, religion" and all that baloney.
Oddly, as much as part of me despises Trump, I'm envious of his complete absence of guilt or moral obligation.
@Ann O. Dyne
So I can stop worrying about unicorns going extinct? Whew!
5
My current response to death - the Night King - is reflected in the following exchange in the last season of Game of Thrones.
The Red Priestess: “And what will you say to the Night King?”
Arya Stark: “Not today.”
I have printed Arya’s response on a number of t-shirts. I wear them all the time.
Bartleby’s “I would prefer not to” also fits the bill.
8
@liz Yes! I adopted this attitude, too, right after that episode. By the way, do you know where I can get a dagger made of valerian steel? And dear old Bartleby the scrivener. You brightened my day, Liz.
2
@KathCK
Ha! Valerian steel! I wish!
Hang in there
Living Intimately With Thoughts of Death:
The Golden Years, like Santa Claus, do not exist.
I wrestle short-term memory and lost the drive
that kept me on my toes when I was young –
but I am glad that I am still alive.
Now, over ninety, I appreciate
those genes my ancestors passed on to me:
my legs keep up with those of my small dog,
my brain still operates at full capacity.
Assisted living homes are for those folk
that have to struggle to live normally.
I need to live without compliance and restraints,
I’d rather die than loose autonomy.
I need a hearing aid and I’m incontinent;
but I am always busy and embrace
my shrinking future. When I’ll sense that I am
loosing it, I’ll fly to Zurich, Switzerland,
with a contented face.
39
@Nicole Lieberman
Nicole, your thoughtful words spoke for many of us -- thank you.
5
@Nicole Lieberman
"I’d rather die than loose autonomy." You are lucky, as there is an increasing population (including me) who a decade or a few younger than you, do smell cognitive disability, and would rather not survive years of this condition.
Our laws and culture make this difficult. The few death with dignity lawas (Oregon, CA etc) are only when death, of the body not the brain, will occur within 6 months.
This is a challenging issue, but sadly our country still has a majority who feel the decision of ending life belongs to God, or maybe the poliitcal party that represents him
23
@Nicole Lieberman
Am so glad you took the time to share your thoughts. For me also, autonomy is the key, plus not having to live a wasting, painful death in the event of some debilitating disease. So like you, I plan to fly off to Zurich when the time is right. Thank you for posting.
4
The After Life movie is a wonderful beginning to "memento mori." I also like the scene in the play (and movie) Wit, where in a flashback, an elderly scholar of John Donne reflects on the meaning of "Death Be Not Proud." To a non-medical person like me, cancer is the most mysterious of all illnesses, since it arises from within the body itself, rather than from something outside that invades it, like a virus or bacterium--as though the body in some deep wisdom of its own accepts and even collaborates in its own end. But this somehow affects me as a revelation onto a life beyond this one, as though the body senses that, accepts that and even graciously anticipates that.
12
Thank you fellow Time’s readers for all your wise comments. May I share the best single volume I have a read on death . “Nothing to be Frightened of” by Julian Barnes
17
The questionnaire re attitudes to death should be revised, as it assumes that the people doing the questionnaire most likely belong to one of the Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity, Islam) and believe in God, heaven, hell, etc. I'm a Buddhist. Many of the questions made no sense in my frame of reference.
19
@Pouliuli
I thought so as well. Having been raised a Christian, I've managed to transcend all of the Roman Catholic mythology that really has not been helpful in dealing with either life or death.
After many years of studying Buddhism, I found myself notating many of the statements in the questionaire, including the very first one: "Death is no doubt a grim experience."
I disagreed with that as I think death is a given, not necessarily grim, and there's no such thing as a living expert on that topic.
Now, "dying", I would agree, is a grim experience.
11
“The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness. Although the two are identical twins, man, as a rule, views the prenatal abyss with more calm than the one he is heading for (at some forty-five hundred heartbeats an hour).”
Vladimir Nabokov in “Speak, Memory.”
19
Gubar writes: "The drawbacks of living in the present with corrosive dread about a diminished or canceled future seem abundantly clear."
But that is not "living in the present."
We are conditioned all our lives to worry, as though by worrying we can control the outcome. But we cannot -- whether ill or well, old or young.
And the worry obliterates the opportunity to be present and fully alive right now.
28
When you have a cancer that kills 70% of people who get it inside 5 years, there's a definite reckoning. Though NED, I am not yet through my recurrence window yet so I live with these thoughts all the time.
It is not a contradiction to live vibrantly and fully, while death perches at the edge of your consciousness. Nor is it a contradiction to fight hard to live, then switch gears and say 'no more treatment' when that shift feels right.
Fitzgerald: "heroism is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in one's mind and still act." Yes.
If it's worth lamenting the loss of something, then it's worth doing that thing fully and happily while you still can.
I think of all the people who did not have the luck I had to beat my odds. The ones whose chemo did not work. The ones without loving friends or family to care for them. The ones with three year olds and no more sick days. The ones whose tumor showed up in their 20's. Whereas mine hit when my kids were in their 20's and my life was already fairly long, stable, and very full.
I think of the people whose outcomes were much worse than mine all the time.... it reminds me that I do not want to squander my good, lucky outcome on bitterness, fearfulness, or any other waste of time. I feel I most honor the unlucky ones by fully appreciating my good fortune.
I live fully, and I feel lucky.
73
@Megan
I felt a blessing, reading your post. Thank you for bringing the intimate and delicate into words for us.
17
@Megan
Thank you. What I read is someone who is grateful and able to see where she stands in relation to others. For that reason alone, I welcomed your words.
16
Thank you for helping us realize that time runs out for us all.
TODAY is the day to do someone a kindness.
28
I too am one year beyond my prognosed death from gyn cancer.
Thank you for articulating the liminal life -- a glorious and often morbidly enhanced Present whilst and within our culture preoccupied with the Imagined Future.
I knew others were experiencing this, and feel less lonely/more fellowship now that you have spoken.
25
I am not a cancer patient, but at the age of 75, have begun contemplating my mortal end. I am also a nonbeliever, so where does this put me?
I can tell myself that "the lights just go out", but that seems an inadequate proposal. We all know that we will not go on forever, although believers in certain religions tell themselves that may not be true...if you believe in my approach.
Regardless of what I think or do, it will happen. When it does, I will know what that divide is, but I will not be able to tell about it.
16
Death is my familiar. Our relationship is not one I chose but have learned to (yes) live with. Diagnosed with lung cancer fourteen years ago at the age of forty five, I have now lived eleven years beyond the summer I was told there was nothing left to do and that I had three to five months remaining--thanks to a last moment opportunity to enroll in my first of three clinical trials. That summer I did the hard work of dying only not to have it happen. Every day since has been a bonus and yet a gift that still weighed so very heavily upon me--when would it be taken back? I too believe we can't necessarily control what happens to us but we do have much congress over how we respond. And my current modus operandi is to simply stop caring that I have a terminal illness. That is quite a coup given the fact that I am facing progression with no next experimental treatment in the wings. It has also been extraordinarily freeing---for the first time in fourteen years I have loosened myself from cancer's grip. What happens happens but I am going to spend every last moment living.
60
Western thinkers, whether raised in traditional western religions or not, are stuck with this one life belief. Makes the road out so difficult. Eastern thought and religions know that this is only one short life, and that there have been many other equally short lives, and will be many more. Makes for a much happier life, and easier death.
11
@laura m
"Eastern thought and religions know that this is only one short life, and that there have been many other equally short lives, and will be many more..."
What you mean is that "Eastern thought and religions BELIEVE..."
They don't "know" any more than anyone else, and to suggest as much is arrogant.
While I'm not practicing, I like some aspects of my Jewish background, which, compared to Christianity, tends to de-emphasize death and the afterlife. The fact is, we in the West, whether we are mortally ill or perfectly healthy, have been taught to obsess on the afterlife.
Here's a suggestion: stop thinking about it. Whatever the reality, whether heavenly bliss or total oblivion, endless rumination will change nothing.
11
Ah, Death, my old friend. Neurologists experimented with half a dozen different meds for close to a decade trying to bring my epilepsy under anything close to controlled.
The meds all came with FDA black box warnings that they cause (not may cause) suicidal tendencies and I did try about 5 times. Plus, two different times my heart stopped during seizures. I spent years homeless under a Seattle bridge being looked after by gay meth addicts. It was a 10 year mid-life crisis.
For the last couple of years, I have dreams almost once a week about what life on the other is like and I can't wait to get there. I don't have enough characters to describe it but everyone has a nice, large home because everyone is equal. No one would dream of taking anything that doesn't belong to them. Kids go to school outside under the trees. But the best part is that any lake, pond, river, or tub of water will heal you of anything and everything. I have never seen such beauty as in these dreams.
I don't fear the end of this life. But I have little interest in spending six months in a renal-kidney center on tubes or chemo treatment. My old neighbor and I discussed this the other night and we both have an exit plan for such an event.
Two weeks ago, we had 6 quakes in an hour in the middle of the night and I was at my desk. I did not care for the thought of being buried in rubble for a couple of days and then dying. I don't fear death but I'm not into pain:)
27
@tom harrison
Thank you very much for sharing your experience. I am greatly benefitted by it.
I love your vision of an afterlife. It certainly comports far better with a universal goodness than the stuff being peddled by many.
1
As a young professional I was told by a psychiatrist colleague that I was unlikely to commit suicide because I was always talking out my concerns. Now, at 85, with no serious illness but a lot of annoying pain which limits my activity including travel, I frequently address the topic of desiring my own departure (yes, DEATH) in a hopeful way. I am looking forward to checking out because I have passed my "use by date" and my only concern is that I hope for quiet and (relatively) pain free. I have no thoughts on anything after!
34
This was gorgeously written, and shines a light on a fundamental part of myself that I have never really looked at until now. Thank you, I intend to re-read this often.
26
Based on my own experience, I would like to suggest that the notion that everything that is part of living stops and becomes non-existent at death is an assumption that merits re-examination. Once that assumption gets put on hold, figuring out what might be the differences between one's life and one's death can be quite meaningful and fulfilling--and quite possibly serve as a show-stopper with respect to fears of dying.
3
@Nancy
So many words to say nothing. "Suggest," "re-examination," "might be," "can be," "quite possibly," but not one thing to actually say what you perhaps want us to believe you're saying. And, not even a hint of that "experience" might be that you had.
3
I’m a person with a chronic disease diagnosed at age 12. I was warned as a kid that my life could be shortened or serious and potentially fatal complications could occur. I spent many years tempting fate and in self-destruction mode to prove to myself that I didn’t fear death when, of course, I did as a 20, 25, 30 year old.
In my 40’s one of those threatened complications came up, and I had to have a serious surgery to improve my odds of leading a longer, healthier life. I was surprised that I felt so peaceful about the possibility that it might not work. All those worries I used to try to run away from melted away. I felt comfortable that the people I love know it and would help each other through the loss if I died. I felt comfortable knowing that if I lived or died was not in my hands. The doctors would do all they could, I would be a good patient and the rest was out of my control. And I was okay with all that.
My mother has stage 4 cancer and is facing her own mortality. I’ve shared my experience with her and she is more spiritually inclined than I am and has made her peace with end of life matters. I think I may have a harder time contemplating her death than my own. Is that weird?
17
@Summer Smith I don't think its weird at all - you love her and have empathy for her. And you can care about someone as much / more than you do yourself. That's love and not weird at all. She is lucky to have you!
10
I deal with mortality by telling myself that since I love dreamless sleep, death will be very relaxing! Of course this abstract view could radically change if I face a health crisis.
9
I guess it is true:
"Born to live; Live to Die".
At 89 I have too many things to do to think about what's in store for me. Right now I have many 'happy living each day, without any serious problems (mentally and physically)".
20
Thanks. Much food for thought.
2
White people have the luxury of contemplating everything regarding their existence...black people not so much since whites have robbed us of our humanity...we are so involved in just day to day existing...who has the time to contemplate death, regardless of the circumstances.
14
@Ardyth I think that no one can rob you of your humanity---it is yours by the very fact that you exist and put one foot in front of the other every single day no matter how trying or horrifying the circumstances. The fact that you take the time to read and write your reaction seems to me to prove that you reach beyond your every day trials. I'm sorry, I think I am not saying this well. I think you are braver than you perhaps give yourself credit for.
40
@Ardyth
I suggest you visit a hospice where all are expected to die within a short framework of time ,the grief sadness and silence & premise of eternal rest (if that's the word) there knows no color of skin.
4
After being diagnosed with the autoimmune disease with the wicked name of giant cell arteritis, I, too, began a deep mediation on, what I came to call, Captain Death.
I found the greatest solace in movies, philosophy and literature:
Philip Roth’s “Everyman,” a novella about death and dying is as deep, if not deeper, than Tolstoy’s “The Death Ivan Ilyich.” Alice James’ (William’s sister) diary is a vivid how-to manual on how to be alive while dying.
Three movies helped me begin to sum up my life in the face of Captain Death: Kurosawa’s “Ikiru” (“To Live”), Bergman’s “Wild Strawberries” and “Malick’s “The Tree of Life.”
The philosopher Martin Hagglund’s “This Life” is a magnificent essay on why a finite life is the way it’s supposed to be. Yes, there’s no need of Heaven or Hell.
Dylan’s “”Knockin on Heaven’s Door is always wistfully appropriate.
28
@Dave Thomas
Thank you for this
2
Thank you, Susan, for thoughtfully examining this double-consciousness and sharing the assessment. I dread (hah) but am anxious to learn where I fall. Death has been a looming source of anxiety and spurring form of inspiration since childhood. Perhaps about the age I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I lost a dear friend, who was healthy by all perceivable measures, to a heart attack in March. It has been very hard, scary, but again-- inspiring. I long to know how I can carry her torch, and whether she will know I have done so, and what my torch is.
5
I have appreciated and more importantly, respected Dr. Gubar's contribution to this subject, these past few years. She has brought a level of meaningful discussion to a subject that is often just too overwhelming to many of us.
And meaning no disrespect to her, I add the following suggestion. Is it important to those who, for the first time in their lives, have a serious health condition - such as a serious cancer diagnosis - in their 60's or 70's, to think back and ponder the gift they were given of good health in their first 60 or 70 years on this planet?
I have suffered with serious congenital medical conditions throughout my life, and I'm in my mid-60's. I haven't yet had a serious cancer diagnosis, but I can assure you, none of you would want to have to live in the body I've had to live in for more than six decades. My lung function is extremely compromised (less than 50% of what it should be), the nine medications I must take daily (and have taken for decades) have serious side effects, and I have had more than 20 surgeries. I have no idea what it means to be in good health, and I never will.
But I accept this. I understand that many people suffer more than I do. But I do think of those who seem to have taken their prior good health for granted and then are extremely upset to have a serious health problem for the first time, in their 60's or 70's. They got six or seven decades of good health -- years I can only imagine. Perhaps time for a bit of appreciation?
100
@DB Cooper
Sometimes we miss what is right in front of us until someone else stops us from stepping on it.
Thank you.
23
The philosophy of the ancient Stoics, Seneca and Epictetus for example, had a lot to say about the acceptance of death. On a more contemporary note, theatre-goers have learned a lot about living and dying from that perennial favorite, Our Town.
14
My wife died 9 months ago after a three-year battle with ovarian cancer. At 53, death wasn't an option for her (we had a fifteen year-old son at the time), nor was discussing it in any way. I think this presented big challenges to her oncologist treating her. I can't help but think she thought about her own mortality privately at times as the disease progressed. For some people though, and I respected this, the idea of death and leaving loved ones behind is much too much to contemplate...I'm left now to imagine what her fears were in the end...
76
I’m so sorry for your loss.
35
@Al
I'm very sorry for your loss. My mom was very similar while battling cancer a few years ago. She passed away at 58. People cope in various ways, but in viewing her experience, and reading articles like this one, I don't believe there's an ultimate, correct way to accept one's own death. I know that, in some ways, my mom's denial allowed her to temporarily escape the anguish of a life cut too short. Despite a stage IV diagnosis with grim prospects, she lived her life with a certain degree of hope that carried her from one day to the next. During her 18 month battle, she was able to move her youngest children into college, enjoy multiple vacations, re-connect with old friends, and cherish time with family and loved-ones. Some people might benefit from assessing the odds and determining future arrangements, but my mom was not the type. She feared death, and wanted to know very little about the details of her diagnosis. It was only until the last few weeks, when hospice was called in, that I think she finally accepted what was going to happen to her. The journey is a process, one that we'll all have to go through in some way or another, but everyone copes differently.
17
I think the process of dying is one thing and the state of being dead is another, and that it’s possible to feel differently about each. It’s unclear to me which one (or both) is meant by “death” in the article.
22
Even before my cancer diagnosis I found myself caught up in this double consciousness. Now I find it refreshing to be able to accept it. Great piece!
12
A wiser person than I said:
“Death destroys a man, but the idea of death saves him.”
13
In case anyone takes the survey and wishes to understand in more depth what the results mean, here is the link to the relevant paper: http://www.drpaulwong.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Death-Attitude-Profile-Revised-DAP-R-Wong-Reker-Gesser-1994-Paper-NEW.pdf
6
Thank you for your thoughts. They teased out of me (at 72 ) that perhaps the ability to live now knowing there’s an end maybe the apple bite Adam took. To my knowledge no other creatures can contemplate alpha and omega.
There is a story I heard that a wiseman walking along with some of his acolytes stopped by a flock of sheep and whispered in the ear of one. The next day on his walk the shepherd stopped him and asked what he had said. The wise one asked why the reply from the shepherd was that since that moment the sheep wouldn’t eat drink nor move.
The wise one said I told him there’s an end. I guess the message is to live neither like Zorba nor the old man but perhaps a little like both.
Good luck I will keep you in my prayers
7
There is a huge tension between hope and despair when living with terminal cancer. Every good day is cherished, every difficult day leaves one wondering “is this the beginning of the end?” It is emotionally exhausting. How much do I have left to do, how much have I accomplished? Have I loved enough, have I laughed enough? It is isolating. Maybe that isolation is actually the beginning of the end.
40
I love contemplating my death and have done so for quite some time. I would like to be buried in the forest or dropped into the ocean. I pray for a happy death but not before I do some good on earth. I love living, but am so curious about death. I hope to see God.
33
Wow, I have never seen these thoughts before about death.
6
@Laura Simpson/// me too. body cremated, ashes get scattered on the forest. family already knows this.
And me, i think death is just 'lights out'.
years ago i asked my wise uncle what he thought it was like to be dead. he replied: "what was it like before you were born" I said i didn't know. He replied: " that's what it will be like when you are dead"
11
Just getting older brings elements of this state of mind. Even if you are not yet forced to grapple with a fatal illness, the general knowledge that you will die sooner or later gradually becomes an awareness that it will certainly be sooner. Once you face it squarely, that knowledge can intensify your experience of the joys of life. Maybe that’s why surveys say that old people are generally happier than young people (to the bewilderment of the young.)
40
Ah, but we are all of us nothing more than a mere quark of consciousness, a mote, the briefest of sparks in the eons of eternity. We hate that we don’t get to find out what happens next, but no one hears any complaint from the already dead. No one. We are surrounded by the dying all of our lives. You and me are next. Get off the couch. Stop complaining about nonsense. Take a walk. Take a picture. Take a friend to lunch. Use it up, all of life, because the lights are going to go out and you and I will become another bit of dust to settle back from whence we came, into the ‘not here’.
114
@ABaron Well said ;-)
9
Growing up in a military family death was trumped by courage and duty. Now in my sixties I’m a bit surprised to still be around and feel blest to have had a life that so many others forfeited for their country. I am lucky not to fear death as disgrace was always seen as far worse.
8
I have an app on my phone called We Croak that sends me 5 reminders a day that I will die. Sounds morbid, I know, but it seems to be doing what it promises to do --- I am much less anxious about dying when I reflect upon it and I spend my time much better most days. Deliberately contemplating death has improved my well being.
49
You beat me to it! I love that app! 5 times a day I pause, consider, and many times readjust how I’m spending my day.
3
@Jen D
What a great idea! Will search and hopefully find this app. Thanks for sharing!
1
I had a extended near brush with death much earlier in my life, and in retrospect I can see that what I felt was terror. That period of my life was extremely unpleasant, although it definitely was, as described in the article, a split-screen experience: normal for outward appearances, with roiling terror underneath.
Now that I'm much older, I wonder whether I will be able to face death with more peace and acceptance when the time comes. I certainly hope so.
13
Continued conversations about death are healthy. My mom, filled out all the forms, has a plot to be buried in and put herself on layaway. She gave me cash each week, while she was working, It has all funeral expenses covered now. She is paid off but still wishes not to cash in just yet. She did not stop working until she was 83. the company forced her out when they thought she was 80, but was 83,. She got her last job at 60. She is 90 now, living independently and not suffering from memory loss. She has seen almost of all of her friends from childhood and adulthood and many relatives die. It has saddened her but she reaches out to the remaining and keeps in contact with them. She also has an indomitable spirit. A Senior Center,one block from home, is her life line. She has many creative talents like knitting and crocheting and cooking. She makes many friends at the center who have other talents like baking treats The members play bingo and scrabble,dominoes, eat together, prepare for and put on holiday shows, celebrate holidays big and small. They grieve together when someone dies and are a model for, acknowledgement and a continued, engaged life. Blessedly, she has never faced major health issues but is more frail now and walks slower than before. She does most of her own grocery shopping,cooking, cleaning and exercises some each day. She mans the reception desk in the center two days a week, checking people in,answering questions. This social engagement has saved her.
97
She is an inspiration.
14
@C
Thank you so much. She lives in the Bronx and has for 90 years.
11
Thank you, Dr. Gubar, for all your wisdom. May I continue to read your thoughtful words for many years to come.
15
As, so far in life, an observer of the reactions of people who have actually been faced with a an all too plausible and close end to life, it does seem that the one who is ill, who does have to integrate the feeling of death next to them in life -- they come to some - not exactly acceptance the way it's usually used, but some agreement between the two "divided selves" ( which is a great way to envision this state). It happens most often way before their family or friends are prepared to see the end coming.
As you do, over andover in your writing, you are enlightening those of us who haven't been pushed into the kingdom of the sick ( I think that's a Susan Sontag term).
4
I am a disabled person from neurologic Lyme Disease and have thought alot about death these last 12 years. For those with the courage to read this article, may I suggest an app (yes, there's an app for that!) for your phone. It is called "WeCroak" and it sends a non-copyable, non-forwardable, non-savable quote to your phone 5 times a day about end of life issues. It only offers one quote at any given time, and it's a blast! The only way to truly be alive is to live in the presence of death.
28
My dad recently died from pancreatic cancer. He was 84, so had lived most of his life. He had all of 3 1/2 months to process this. But within a month or two he had arrived here too:
‘She goes on to explain that “We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we perceive what happens and how we choose to respond.”’
He accepted all the help he needed and he decided (he told me) that he would approach the world with cheer. I told him he didn’t need to be that with me, but he almost always was.
He told me that he was not afraid to die but he wanted to live. This confused me, but I came to see that he was neither fighting death nor waiting for it.
He was living.
It was a good day, he said, if the pain wasn’t too bad and he did something.
He worried about the film series he curated, and left several months of choices and set up Netflix delivery (my mom still gets the films!).
He worried about my mom, so he called me towards the end and said it was time for me to be there.
A few days before he died, after a day where he walked around his community and was with old and new friends, when his pain was controlled though not absent, he said: “I could live a long time like this.”
He didn’t. But I realized later that he chose his own path to the extent he could. I still have no idea what a good death looks like, but I think my dad chose a good life until the end.
And til the end, he defined that for himself as living, savoring and loving.
169
Thank you, Dr. Susan Gubar, for your thoughts on living intimately with thoughts of death. All of us living beings live with death (memento mori) from the moment we are born on Earth. Death acceptance doesn't come easily. Living in the present becomes easier to those of us who are on the cusp of death. Dying is job-one of living. The future is incalculable. What lies ahead, unknown and unknowable. Enjoy today's hours passing slowly. Agatha Christie, who lived long used to say "One of the oddest things in life, I think, is the things one remembers."
23
I would like to share this article with a dear friend whose life is in the balance with metastasized pancreatic cancer. He is a wonderful person with a PhD in philosophy and, as far as I can tell, loved and respected for his kindness and wisdom by everyone. Any thoughts on how to proceed?
7
@EAK
I think this is wonderful of you to want to do. It's been my personal experience that some people who are aware their lives are in the balance are often very willing to talk of death. Often those closest to them are hesitant to bring it up or don't know how to get a conversation started. That leaves people often with no one to speak to aside from a doctor, nurse, or support groups, and at a time they might wish to share thoughts about their death or perspectives on death with someone with whom they feel very close. Or your friend may simply not wish to speak of death. You may have to look for cues to let you know one way or the other. Just letting your friend know you are there to listen if he ever needs to talk about anything may provide an opportunity to get a conversation going about the article. Sometimes the smallest, more mundane and seemingly trivial everyday life happenings is all it takes. Years ago I did an internship with a local hospice. One day the social worker I worked with was visiting a terminal patient when the phone rang. The patient asked if the social worker would answer it. She did, it was a bill collector. She put her hand over the mouthpiece and mouthed to the patient 'what do I tell him?' and the patient quickly replied, 'oh, just tell him I died!' They stared at each other and after a few seconds the patient burst out laughing, realizing the irony of what she'd just said. After the call they both had a good laugh, a good cry, and a good talk.
21
The PBS series with various titles going on right now with the history of the universe last night treated both the death of the planet Venus -- did you know it is a desert with volcanoes? and the death of Mars (too small, no magnetic poles to shield from the solar wind which devastated its water supply and stilled its volcanoes (the molten core is gone).
The earth will eventually die -- when the sun dies. The inorganic eventually fails just as does the organic. How did life begin?
It's easier and more wondrous to contemplate the greater certainties and mysteries. Can we create a single living cell from inorganic materials in the lab?? or when?
11
Thank you for sharing. I am a cancer patient lucky enough to not be in enough pain to be able to contemplate my inevitable death from a slow growing terminal cancer on a daily basis. For those of us who know we will die of our disease, the traditional tropes of hope (everyone hoping you won’t die) and “fighting” don’t fly. To die of your cancer is failure. What is a terminal patient left with then? A dark pit of failure? No. Contemplating my death regularly, with a loving husband and toddler at my side is hard and still full of fear, but it makes me more grateful for what I have, it makes me more compassionate, it pushes me to do the things I want, and it oddly brings me a lot of comfort even though it’s difficult. Creatively it has invigorated my writing and the exhibitions I create. I fail at it on a daily basis, (and sometimes still resent 80 year olds complaining/who are shocked that they will die), but it has brought me a practice and a purpose amidst this ugly disease I never thought possible. It can be so liberating to walk up to the things we are the most scared of and look them in the face.
198
@Cat S
You are a person who knows what matters in the midst of what can feel unbearable. If you lived to be 100, you could not possess moments of meaning more deeply than you reveal in your words.
Thank you for speaking into the void of cyberspace. Taking the risk of intimacy without a net.
Just want you to know your message made a perfect landing here in my heart among things I can’t forget.
42
I wouldn’t comment if I didn’t hope it might speak to someone. Ultimately my practice is very much about relieving suffering not only for myself, but for others I know and love and others I don’t know as well. Thank you for your kind words.
8
Thank you for these helpful insights. I don’t think any of us knows how we would respond when faced with a terminal illness, but the way we have lived our lives thus far may offer some clues. But then again, we can surprise ourselves with strengths we never knew we had, or weaknesses we were afraid we might have. My mother had Alzheimer’s, and I often wonder how people with dementia deal with the coming loss of self, knowing that they will continue to exist, but that they will not be able to control any part of it. It’s a different kind of death, but it removes any consciousness about physical death in the end.
41
@Frau Greta Your last sentence is the one I've been pondering since my love was diagnosed with Alzheimer's six years ago. Dementia is the cruelest of all diseases, slowly and inevitably erasing a whole life of memories, and a chamber of horrors for the caregiver, while at the same time, removing any consciousness about physical death in the end.
40
@Frau Greta. I'm a nurse, and have cared for dementia patients in hospice care. Some do seem oblivious to their own fading away, but that is not universal. Awareness of losing their own self is very frightening for those who have the awareness of dis-integration- that is what I fear for myself. Dementia is a symptom of brain diseases and the pattern of damage is very variable. Consciousness of self and ability to express emotions is also variable.
22
@Frau Greta My mother feared, all her life, growing old and dying. In her mid-70s she began to experience the dementia called "Lewy Body" - it's much faster than Alzheimer's Within a few years she was no longer herself at all, and died before she hit 80. While what happened to her was devastating, I take comfort that she never really did "experience" old age or death - by the time she had physical disability, she was no longer in touch with the real world. An interesting blessing.
17
Thanks so much for another forthright and illuminating piece. Forthright because of the last paragraphs in which the author shared her ambivalence about the prospects of her death. And that her ever changing feelings do not always make it easy for others to be with her. As someone who is also living with cancer I acknowledge, agree, and admire her for that.
Illuminating because of the info about the questionnaire and the books noted in this piece. I, and other readers, now have some things we can read and digest.
The observation of duBois’ notions about double consciousness is insightful. Thanks for that too!
52
@richard
As someone who cared for a mother who died with vascular dementia and was myself diagnosed 2 years ago with the Alzheimer’s, l think a great deal about the road ahead for me, but mostly for my family and close friends. There are no short cuts or paths that clearly present. We each do the best we can as we stumbling forward with where our life has brought us.
42
So sorry. You are in my thoughts.
Read the excellent NYT article The Last Day of Her Life by Robin Marantz Henig
May 14, 2015
Food for thought, depending on your perspective.
5
@Debby Rosenkrantz
retired AMA attorney F/70
Assisted-death across Switzerland, e.g., DIGNITAS in Zurich, is both a short cut and clear pathway to avoid the 14-year arc of Alzheimer's.
It sounds like you are at the "five minutes before midnight stage" of this arc so don't lose any time considering the DIGNITAS option. Swiss law has two requirements when you arrive at their beautiful apts for assisted-death: 1) be compos mentis enough to consent to what you are choosing and 2) be able to "drink the juice" without assistance.
I leave Spring 2023 one-way to Zurich. Qualified on irreversibly painful body from four car wrecks that each fractured my spine and arthritis that makes both hands painful land largely useful. Why 2023? Age 74 is average age of symptom onset for Alzheimer's in women.
Sleep really well every night now. Assist others from Parkinson's to MS in preparing their qualifying medical paperwork under Swiss law and then buy one way plane ticket and one round trip for whomever the one drinking the juice chooses on this journey.
3