I hate myself and I want to die. For years I've tried to quit, but it's just too awesomely perfect to take a drink and make myself go away. There is nothing else than can do this. I'd rather die at 60 than live to 90. Sorry, that's the truth.
5
Congratulations to you, Ms. King, and thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. Keep coming back.
2
I am the granddaughter, daughter, sister, and aunt of alcoholics. I've seen both dramatic destruction and long-term recovery in my own family. I also worked for years in a profession where other people's alcohol use meant job security for me (I was an attorney and a lower court judge in a state where alcohol use is legend). I feel I am incredibly lucky to have no use for alcohol in my own life. Only lucky - not morally superior, not smarter, not more disciplined - just lucky. I put solving the chemistry of alcoholism right up there with a cure for cancer as the great wish of our time.
4
This story really gave me a perspective of the hardships many people face when dealing with addiction or having a loved one who is dealing with addiction. It is sad to see when people damage their lives due to addiction, and I am glad to see that you took control of the parasite that is alcoholism.
I am glad you wrote this story because I believe it truly shows the negative effects of alcoholism on loved ones. The parasite that is alcohol takes control of one's emotions and life, which makes it difficult for the host to realize the toll it can take on others' lives. I am sure you are aware that your son, Taj, has benefited greatly from your hard work.
Another reason I am glad you shared your story is that it shows how alcohol is one of the most dangerous drugs. I truly feel that society does not discuss how dangerous alcohol is enough. You began drinking at a young age, and I do not think that you had any idea of how it would affect your future. Because of stories like yours, I hope that there is more action on condemning alcoholism in the future. Thank you for sharing your story!
4
Congrats., good luck..
Great story and great comments. Very encouraging. AA and AlAnon may not be for everyone but both programs have made all the difference in my life. I think what is often overlooked is the fact that there are literally thousands of meetings. If you don't like a meeting, try other meetings. Recovery from addiction is probably one of the most difficult challenges any human being ever faces. No one starts out planning to become addicted and ruin their life. Clinical research is starting to show how addiction affects the brain and how often it is made worse by isolation. I have found that many of the recovery suggestions help to reverse some of the damage and also provide me with fellowship.
1
Ms King nearly killed herself-, alcohol wasn't the culprit. It is assertions like this that make people feel aa justification for the prohibition of alcohol and marijuana sales.
We tried to do thst once and it made our problems infinitely worse.
Women need to re-learn the lessons of their grandmothers that social and work equality are not the same as being the same as as a 250 pound man who drinks a half dozen beers with his dinner. Women are smaller and more prone to the nasty effects and dangers of drinking and they need to remember not to overindulge merely because the idiotic boys do.
4
I’m sorry but you are incorrect. Neither A.A. nor Al-Anon advocate for the prohibition of alcohol or marijuana.
A.A. does say that if you have a problem with drinking, and only you can make that decision, then they have a proven way of helping you stay sober one day at a time. They do not say that their way is the only way.
Al-Anon is a fellowship for the family and friends of alcoholics and addicts. It is not, and never has been a temperance movement.
You do a great disservice to both fellowships, who take no government money or outside contributions, but do great work every day helping people and families.
3
Why is this person given all this attention when she's absolutely no different than any other person who has struggled with alcohol and then got sober? I hate to break it to her, but she isn't special. And further more, AA is fundamentally against being broadcast in the media, as anonymity is a spiritual foundation of their principles. I know it isn't the first time AA has been mentioned in the media, but her story is for the Big Book, not for the New York Times. Using one's struggles with alcohol to get media attention is promoting, rather than attracting, which is also one of AA's founding principles. And before I'm attacked by someone saying "well if her story helps one person who reads this, then great!" - you're wrong. AA is against promoting stories in the media. It is a closed, private program and people who bring themselves out like this to sensationalize her drinking and subsequent sobriety can put people at risk, not help them. Why, you ask? Because part of the ATTRACTION of AA is its anonymity, and she is anything but anonymous. If people start thinking (who are in the throes of addiction and seeking help) that people who get sober eventually have to come out their shell and talk to the world about it, less people may seek sobriety. I'm glad she's in meetings, I'm glad she's sober, but telling stories and breaking anonymity should not be applauded.
12
@john
AA has never been shy about getting puff pieces like this planted in the media. (non-promotional of course, wink, wink).
3
@john . I agree. It's called "Alcoholics Anonymous" for a reason. She should not be using her name.
1
Treating any human addiction aka alcohol, meth,tobacco and opioids as a criminal justice problem calling for mass incarceration of black and brown people instead of a health and medical treatment issue for all Americans has led America to being 1st in mass incarceration.
With 5% of humanity America has 25% of the world's prisoners. And while only 13% of Americans are black like Ben Carson and Tim Scott about 40% of the prisoners are black.
Because blacks are persecuted for acting like white people do without any criminal justice consequences. Prison is the carefully carved colored exception to the 13th Amendment's abolition of slavery and involuntary servitude.
9
Thank you so much for sharing. This was amazing.
1
Congratulations on the best decision you have ever made. The wealth of experience in the Big Book and from other members is vast. Sobriety becomes the New Normal, then THE way you Live, and the ONLY Way You CAN Live.
After almost 15 yrs, it is ALWAYS helpful to remember and share what life was like when alcohol owned you ... And how good it is to have that 800lb Gorilla locked up in a cage.
Keep him there. Your story is going to help people struggling with this ... God Bless You.
3
AA never worked for me. I found that AA meetings made me fixate more, rather than less, on alcohol. I was physically addicted to alcohol. I went to rehab and stayed only 2 weeks to get it out of my system. It's been nearly a year now and I have never been back to AA or wanted to drink since. Maybe AA is good for some people but it did not work for me. And, lest you ask, before rehab, I attended one to two meetings daily, worked the program, got a sponsor and did the steps for two years! Just saying.... I am a retired MD who drank almost 50 years.
1
Alcohol was my lover - there was no one more important. Sober 11 years and not going back - one day at a time. The monkey on your back can be lifted, but you have to want to be whole again. I'm thankful for the gift of sobriety and pray for anyone still working it - one day at a time.
2
As many in AA will tell you, don't stop drinking for your child, your spouse, your job or any other external reason. What happens if you lose them, will you drink again to relieve the pain? No, stop drinking for yourself. Everything else will follow.
2
Heather King, yours is a wonderful story! Thank you for sharing it with us. You have given your children a greater gift than you - or they - can possibly know, the ripples from which will be felt for generations.
2
I went to Smart Recovery for my third attempt at quitting drinking and after a DUI. It is a great program. The best thing I learned was to, well learn how I felt when I was sober and why I wanted to drink. I began to address the personal issues I needed to work on. I think I was ready and being sober is the best thing I've never done for my self until now. Group therapy, AA, Smart Recovery, In Patient, Out Patient, retreats, therapy etc. are all great ways to help become sober. Lasting sobriety can take many tries but you need to learn from each one and don't give up. Stay vigilante when you are sober and get into a good group and share your feelings.
2
"...I wanted to live more than I wanted to drink."
That's it in a nutshell. That's what finally got me to stop.
I went from the psych unit of a hospital directly to an outpatient program which, after a few false starts I attended for a year, and then after another stay in a psych unit (the detox unit had closed due to Superstorm Sandy) I entered a 28 day rehab.
I rejoined the outpatient program and have been sober now for over six years.
It's easy to fall into the bottle and very hard to climb back out. Many never do.
3
Great story! AA saved my life as well. After years of trying everything I could think of, and even being dry for a few, I finally sought the help I needed.
Thank you for the courage to share your story. I hope it helps another to live a healthy and happy life.
1
As a Physical Therapist working in a large teaching hospital on a busy liver transplant unit, I can tell you that you DO NOT want to go through that. It has affected me personally, as I have many siblings with ETOH addiction. Just working with these patients day in and day out is enough to keep me in the right lane. Good luck to y’all!!
2
I am sooo proud of you, Heather. You are an awesome fighter.
1
You are a true American hero. Thank you.
1
After thousands of years of ruined lives from alcohol, yet the human race hasn't figured out how to prevent the next. The story this woman tells is legend, and entirely typical. It begins when young people are convinced that alcohol can make them special, instead of selfish and degraded. Some of them go on to feel special for recovering. But there is no way to take back the harm done from the selfishness.
2
I really identify with the story. I was a single parent of 2 boys and the bottle was more important than my kids. I had to hit a bottom and I have been sober for 25 continuous years and my life is more full and beyond my wildest dreams. I have a grandson that has never seen me drunk and I am in his life as a sober grandmother which I never thought I would have seen that if I was still drinking. My life is the life that God always wanted me to have. I attend meetings on a regular, I take the suggestions and I give back what is so freely given.
3
Perhaps someone at the NYT could do some research into the REAL success rate of faith-based, 12-step programs versus other addiction programs. That would be an interesting read.
4
@LauraF...
According to the peer review data... the actual success rate of the 12-Step Program is somewhere between a whopping 5% and 1O%.
But the program makes for great propaganda.
3
Yes the success rate is about 10% at best.
1
@TOBY
Actually, you will often hear at AA meetings that most alcoholics never get into meetings and that most who get sober through AA, relapse. Alcoholism is a bad, relentless progressive, generally fatal disease. Almost every alcoholic will die of alcohol if they don't die of driving drunk or liver failure first, and if they live long enough. AA does help some people, but it's a small minority - and most people in AA know that it's a small minority. But if the program gets *one* person sober, it's a win. The data on all forms of treatment for alcoholism is dismal, and AA is no exception.
2
Awesome, Ms. King! Keep it up!
Thirty two years clean and sober...alcohol, drugs, that was so 70s-80s...At 35 years old, I realized I loved living...and had a profession that I was passionate about...Art got me high...no need for anything else. Growing up took longer, that project is still underway. But in the meantime, I have written books and been the advisor to President Obama...I am happily married and now live in a nice home...none of which would have been possible if I had not walked into an AA meeting that day back in 1987 knowing my way was broken and they were offering me a route to recovery. I take this opportunity to offer humbly my thanks...If you do not pick up a mind altering substance, your head will be clear for the rest of your life...
2
Reality Check the only solution to any form of drugs is realize that its are own body makes feel good. Our body made up billions of receivers an transmiters that become damaged by drugs . Amazing part is body repairs millions of cells every day. Trying to say is people doing is not what they could be doing to help the process an they be alot better every day. Improving life force in our bodys making it easyer to heal with out drastic surgery to remove parts damaged. Really 24 hour process we need focus on one day at time. Making time is cure an knowing is what good an bad .
I needed to read this story this morning. Its powerful and sheds light on the struggles of us vets with co-occuring PTSD and substance abuse. This story gives me hope, self reflection, and most of all happiness this has a good ending. Thank you for sharing and please support your vets everyone.
1
Thank you for your story. When I finally decided to stop drinking alcohol, what helped me were the sincere, honest stories by sober individuals who showed that there was a life worth living without alcohol. I hope this story, and others, can help those still suffering, and those who might decide before it is too late, how to live a full, rewarding life while abstaining from alcohol. It is a scourge in our society, and we need to re-educate adults while also educating children. Alcohol only in moderation. Getting drunk gets you nowhere.
2
What an amazing piece, thank you so much for sharing, from one recovering alcoholic to another! Sobriety delivers what alcohol promises!
2
I'm glad for your sobriety. I'm glad AA helps some people. I read, though, that their success rate is about 5%. A beloved family member who has struggled with alcohol for almost 50 years has been in and out of various AA groups and 12-step focused rehabs. In my experience, all it's done for her is help her make friends who are more troubled than she is. Thanks to AA she's now armed with drug and prison contacts and the firm belief that she's "powerless" to overcome this. Yay? There are other, evidence based and proven programs out there to support people in sobriety and help them to achieve it. Certain medications have been shown to be particularly effective. Swapping stories with other alcoholics works for a tiny minority. I'm glad for them, but hope those looking for help will research their options.
3
@Charlie Clarke, "There are other, evidence based and proven programs out there to support people in sobriety and help them to achieve it."
Don't bother identifying those programs. You might accidentally help someone in the 95% who have no success with AA.
No sense in saying where you read about the 5% success rate of AA, either. Too much information is a bad thing, bad, bad, bad.
1
@Charlie Clarke
I agree.
Part of the problem with 12-step programs is that they require you to turn over control of your life to a higher power (read: the Christian god).
I would suggest that most women need to take control over their lives, not give it away to yet another male authority figure.
Taking control means taking responsibility. Taking responsibility means no longer making excuses. Once the excuses are gone, you have a choice: use/not use.
Your choice. Doesn't require the fickle finger of a deity to intercede on your behalf.
3
Your statistic is incorrect and a disservice to the program.
2
You’re an inspiration to anyone struggling with this common problem. God bless and thanks for your strength and hope. One day at a time!
1
Good story. I am the treasurer of my Saturday meeting. I order the literature and this story would be a good addition to The Grapevine. We need more contemporary stories. You should contact your local Central Service and ask about submitting this story to The Grapevine. We need more contemporary stories.
3
So sad that a young woman's whole goal in life is to party with her brother and get drunk. Can't expect much of a perspective on life with that attitude. Glad that things happened that change her life, and hope she imparts the wisdom she acquired over the years onto her daughter.
1
Twenty-five years sober and I take no credit. I am an undisciplined, reckless little boy in a man's body, but my higher power has revealed a way to a faith that works. Life isn't always easy and I am far from perfect, but day-by-day and year-by-year I get to experience growing up instead of checking out of life. Grateful for that.
9
I just lost one of my oldest friends in life to complications of alcoholism.
Bright, witty, functional, beautiful and way too young; a self described "hopeless drunk".
AA. It really works.
11
This is a terrific accomplishment, and I would like to see a follow up article in five or 10 years to see that it is continuing. I know the risk of recidivism is very strong with these addictions.
1
Although I have never experienced a parent's alcoholism and dealt with it's effects, I can only begin to imagine how difficult and hard that must be.
I know that if I were to have to go through something as traumatic as that, I would make sure to at least put my parent through AA meetings as soon as I knew that they had an addiction to the bottle.
Then again, it may very well be easier said than done. As I've said before I haven't gone through something like that and I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through something like that.
What I do know, however, is that once you get the much needed help you deserve for your addiction to the bottle...it's as if your eyes have been opened up for the first time and it seems like your seeing the world with fresh eyes.
Once you finally quit (and I mean actually quit) with the addiction, you will come to love yourself again. You will love life again. You will love getting to be with your children and your family again. You will love not wanting to drink every single day. You will love who you are as a person and as a parent oncce again.
As I've said before, I don't know what it's like to have to go through with something like this and I can't even fathome the effects that it has on people who have to deal with this sort of thing.
Your heart is in the right place but you can’t put someone through AA, they have to want it. As the article demonstrates, others may be a catalyst but the individual has to want to be free above all else.
8
@another Matt I agree we need more non AA programs that don't make you "drink" the AA
KoolAid lol!
Bravo Zulu! I’m a Coast Guard veteran with 6932 days clean and sober - happy, joyous, and free! I currently own and oversee a women’s sober living house and am interested in creating a network of military women in recovery. Thoughts?
10
Oh man this hit me. Tears streaming down my face. I needed this. Thank you Heather and NYT. AA saved my life thirteen years ago. I was in a bad way. I'm not in AA but in another twelve step fellowship that came on the scene forty plus years ago. Off to read my latest Grapevine.
7
I suggest that people stop posting their full names here. Please keep the 11th Tradition in mind.
9
@Alix I fully agree. It exists for good reason.
5
@Alix
Oh settle down! How do you know they are using their REAL names? At any rate- The Fellowship isn't what it used to be- a lot of the old timers who worked Bill and Chuck C are long gone. Can't speak for New York but most of the meetings in SoCal are heavily populated with cross addicted meth and opiate abusers.
True AA [only] meetings are a rarity and most of those are locked and one must be invited to attend. These days, I just read the big book and say my prayers. Now one for You and KaraB :)
4
Ms. King, you stand out from the crowd. You have suffered with alcohol as so many millions have , along with friends and family members of mine.
Moving beyond that , you are a terrific writer and should continue to write about alcohol abuse which you do so effectively, for which exists a huge interested public.
I'm sure you could cover other subjects of national interest as well, as you have here about being a woman in US military service.
1
Being an atheist was the best excuse I could find for why I would not attend AA meetings, plus I hid my drinking pretty well, I thought. But the slow and inexorable accumulation of poison in my spirit could not be hidden, and it was precisely the poisoning of my spirit that led me to realize I had one.
So I now believe I'm a spiritual atheist and have for 4-1/2 years been living with a sense of sacred sincerity and genuine honesty I could not have ever imagined. Today I find myself in the company of people who care for each other in ways we only read about in literature. And they (we) care for everyone in our lives no matter how we are present for them in ways that keep us ever progressing to be better humans.
Recently, NPR had a story about prison inmates training dogs that were lost causes. The dogs would go on to live with families as pets that could love and be loved. The effect this program had on the inmates was self-reflective inasmuch as they may have been considered lost causes. The act of caring for a lost cause by a lost cause made for the latter to care for themselves in ways they never felt before. How could a felon devolve into anti-social behavior when he is so committed to caring for another's well-being? It's just not possible.
So we keep going to meetings and help each other and newcomers so that we may help ourselves. The help we give others is the help we give ourselves and it accumulates not unlike how the poison once did. Fellowship = spiritual love.
12
@Chris
You can be an atheist and still believe in a "higher power," even if it's a rock or a tree-- AA would still love you!
4
I wish that my alcoholic sister could have done what Heather did. I am the only family that she has left and next week I will be transferring her from a skilled nursing facility to an assisted living memory unit. Her cerebral hemorrhage was the last straw. It is ugly, it is expensive, and it is unfair to anybody who touches her sad situation. The only closure will come when we figure out a way to put it past us, and move on. There will be no happy ending.
8
@Bill M
Sorry to hear about your sister!
2
I have always thought that the twelve steps of the Big Book of AA do not just show a proven path to overcoming alcoholism but are also powerful spiritual blueprints of how to deal with all of life's challenges. In fact, the words "alcohol" and "alcoholic" are only mentioned in Step 1 and Step 12. All the other steps in between have teach each of us how to be a better person and how to lead a meaningful life with others with all of our "defects" of character.
I try to remember to practice these principles with the guidance of my Higher Power but readily admit that I have not faithfully and consciously worked them everyday of my 25 years of sober living. I am far from perfect but I do know that they are always there for me to re-read when life leads me down paths where I don't want to walk.
12
What a great story.
4
Tradition Twelve reads: "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
Bill W. wrote, "In my belief, the entire future of our fellowship hangs upon this vital principle. If we continue to be filled with the spirit and practice of anonymity, no shoal or reef can wreck us. If we forget this principle, the lid to Pandora's box will be off and the spirits of Money, Power, and Prestige will be loosed among us."
"No A.A. principle merits more study and application than this one. I am positive that A.A.'s anonymity is the key to long-term survival."
The Twelve Traditions of A.A. took years of work and inspiration to be arrived at by the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous. They are a guide for group survival and first put down on paper in 1946.
5
@Patty Peter Very true.
1
Moderation in all things. I have a martini at night, watch a drama on TV, say my night prayers and then hit the hay,
3
@Richard Watt: You are not an alcoholic. An alcoholic may always wish for moderation but sooner or later moderation flies out the window, when you've had a bad day, when you're depressed, when you're at a party and it's all flowing so fun. I just don't think alcoholics can drink in 'moderation'.
5
@Richard Watt
Good for you, but it is extremely difficult for most people to stop at one martini.
3
@Richard Watt: Ya know, one martini, one beer, one drink of anything has no appeal to me, nor most alcoholics I know. We can’t have “just one” nor do we even *want* “just one” if we are honest with ourselves.
But it is entirely understandable if that makes absolutely no sense to you. And if that one martini brings you pleasure, and no other harmful side effects (physical, emotional, or otherwise, AND you get to keep your stuff, stay out of prison, and not hurt anyone), then god bless ya! Enjoy!
1
The wheels came off for me at a very young age and I found myself in 12 Step programs at 18. I took my last drink a year and a half after my first meeting as I wasn't sure I was truly powerless and needed a little more research to prove that theory. Thankfully, I've been sober now for 17 years, married and have three children. My wife and my children have never experienced me as an active alcoholic, and yet AA and the felowship of the program has continued to save me from relapse and from myself countless times. No matter how old or how young, your bottom is when you stop digging and the gifts of sobriety are available to all.
13
Kudos, Heather. As a child of two alcoholic parents who finally achieved consistent sobriety when I was in my mid-20s, I can tell you unequivocally that this means more than anything to your children. Be well.
6
It is a hopeful story. But really bad news to hear about her support for the war criminal Alberto Gonzales.
I've been sober for more than 25 years now. Yes, it does get easier; yes, things do get better.
But we live in a society, a world, that applauds short cuts, convenience, and is far too willing to rationalize stupidity. The ex-drunk must rise above that, must realize that "easy" is not best, that hard work and even bad times does not somehow make one entitled to rest and good times. The world is not fair, per se, and humanity makes it even less so.
But the world, and that would be a sober world, is honest, is rewarding, and is amazingly beautiful and precious. Sobriety allows one to see clearly, if one looks hard enough, considers things.
And sobriety helps one to realize that there is a higher order of things, whether that is a higher power, a god, or simply a logical nature to reality, to life, and even death.
The box we humans have created for ourselves is full of enticements: booze, tobacco, caffeine, and the Almighty Pharma concoctions. Add in those conveniences, the love of money, and more, well, there is humanity in a nutshell (box).
Ask an ex-drunk if you want to know about god. That is true. Ask an ex-drunk if you want to know about suffering. True too. Ask an ex-drunk about truth, and well, people turn away because the truth hurts. You and you and you may not be drunks, addicts, etc., but you accept it as norm.
We all need to sober up, see clearly, and care for Mother Nature, and one another, even if it is not convenient or profitable.
4
My story is not unlike this one and I am grateful. The only thing I would add is that you don’t have to stop drinking forever, just for today, every day. I learned that in AA and somehow somewhere along the way I went from “poor me, I can’t drink” to “lucky me, I don’t have to”. I went to a meeting today and I know which one I’m going to tomorrow. That’s how it works:for me.
8
Much to celebrate in this story. Recovery from alcoholism is often hard won. Even more so for alcoholism intensified by being self-medication for institutionalized harassment and abuse.
This is a story of bravery.
5
Congratulations on your hard won sobriety. Please use that newfound clarity to step away from your other vice: being a Republican. I am not saying this out of prejudice for Republicans. I am actually saying it to you, woman to woman. The Republican Party does not represent you. Not in terms of supporting your drinking, your choices, your race and even your career.
Time to move forward. You don't have to be a Democrat--but by all means, do not enable or empower those who would seek to destroy you and yours.
10
There have been so many bad, sad stories about people ruining their own lives and those of their loved ones for decades that one might think a rational human would not put oneself in that position. Of course, that is not possible and never has been. Alcohol is a powerful substance, accepted in our society as a go-to beverage.
When I was a young high schooler working in a YMCA camp in upstate New York, our camp director would "celebrate" the end of each two-week session with what he called a "GCJ," a 'golf course job.' He would buy hard liquor and the staff would go out onto one of the greens and "celebrate" until we were all cold-stone drunk. The last time I took a drink was there; all I remember about it was the next day, waking up outside the cabin several staff slept in...on the ground, in my sleeping bag that was completely covered in my own vomit.
I survived that incident and never drank again, but when I was in the Navy in Vietnam, I saw first hand the damage free beer did. Guys were under the influence when we went out on patrol or a mission. The Navy made hard drinking a manly thing, but it seems the Pentagon still has not wrapped its arms around the problem and the devastation and grief that can come from abuse of alcohol.
8
It is very hard. Thanks for sharing. Five years for me in September. There are many many more like is and ten times more who need it.
4
Thank you for your service, to our country in the military, and to humanity through your sharing.
8 years, July 26, 2019, one day at a time!
3
My dad did this. Quit in 1992; never drank again. Aren't to occasional AA meetings. When he died in 2005, he was to me my childhood hero who along the way had fallen off his pedestal, but through his commitment to sobriety, climbed back up. a flawed hero, yes, but better, more complete. You will be that person too, heather. Thanks for sharing.
4
Thank you Heather for sharing!
3
Continued success to you Heather. Well done. Best to your family.
2
Be proud of yourself, and your new life. There are never simple answers to this. AA is a fabulous path, and stay on it. I know from personal experience the awful ups and downs, and the legacy. You are at a point where your whole life is ahead of you, with a loving family. You will never be happier than staying on this track.
Thank you for sharing your story.
5
The thing about becoming an alcoholic is that it's like quicksand: you don't know you're in trouble until you are, and then it's too late to turn back. And it's a disease that tells you that you're okay, even as it kills you. Tragically it takes losing everything, or nearly so, to make one desperate enough to not only ask for help, but more importantly be willing to follow the suggestions given. We call this "the gift of desperation".
Alcoholics are so consumed by their own thinking it usually takes great misfortune - repeatedly experienced - to get them to stop for an instant and say "Maybe I don't have all the answers". This is what is often called a "moment of clarity".
I was one of those who was drinking more, and more often, than I wanted, but couldn't stop 27 some years ago. Like Ms. King, I didn't want to because I thought it was the only thing keeping me sane and functioning. It took a series of events to finally break through my upside down perception and have my own "moment of clarity", and then a few months later, "the gift of desperation" that led me to AA.
Despite that desperation, I fought the suggestions, but fortunately a guy gave me the antidote for the rebellion my disease always waged. He simply asked me: "How well did your way work?" I knew the answer, and couldn't avoid it - it didn't. So I began following the 12 Steps as best as I could, and followed the suggestions, even if I did still argue. And after 27 years I'm still sober.
Good luck Heather.
7
It’s an honor to read her story and the comments of the brave souls who are facing alcohol addiction!
3
I hope she is able to stay sober.
A beautiful, pungent story. Real talk!
#Overcoming
2
As a Stockbroker I realized at 44 that I had to get off the sauce..
I worried that everything would be boring.. and it’s not it’s wonderful..
Make the leap and quit alcohol..
6
Happy. Joyous. Free.
I would so highly recommend the book "This Naked Mind" to people who want to change their relationship with alcohol, including giving it up entirely. Especially the audiobook, as it has the effect of a kind of hypnosis, causing your subconscious to become disinterested in alcohol. It has helped me tremendously in finding new freedom.
4
When I was in my 20s, my boss was an alcoholic. She was “high-functioning,” but a lot of times we had to cover for her drunkenness. I never said anything to her about it. I figured she was from Wisconsin, and they drink there. Fast forward ten years and that boss died from her alcoholism at the age of 35, leaving behind a husband and two little girls. I’ll never again remain silent when I see a friend has a substance abuse problem.
7
The military breeds alcoholics. Why? Aren't there better alternatives?
4
Isn't one A of AA stand for anonymous? There's a reason why there is a Tradition of anonymity. The subject and author of this piece may not have gotten around to the traditions yet. Hopefully she stays sober and will one day.
3
Congratulations to Heather King for her newfound sobriety.
As a woman of color who gave up alcohol to find herself and improve her life, maybe the next thing she should give up is her membership in the Republican Party?
That would be another way to stop acting irresponsibly.
13
While I agree with Norm’s POV and I’m not positive that she’s in AA, I recall one of the Traditions stating that “AA is not allied with any sect, denomination or politics; neither endorses nor opposes any causes.” My AA home group eschews political commentary and discussion and we focus solely on supporting one another’s sobriety.
2
The second ‘a’ in AA is for ‘anonymous’. Something about ‘anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions’.
Seems like sharing pics and full names is kind of ‘sniffing around the edge’. Not what the founders intended. Now go help somebody and don’t tell anyone. Xx
6
I got sober in AA 25 years ago. The program worked exactly like they said it would. I've now been sober longer than I drank, and I owe it all to AA. I truly believe a miracle is waiting for anyone who has the desire to stop drinking and is honest enough with themselves to realize they need help. Thanks to AA I got my life back after I hit a bottom many of you could not even imagine.
It's free. There's a meeting going on today problably within walking distance of where you are right now. Call them. Just walk in and sit down, whatever. Listen. Talk, Learn. Hang up your spurs and get rid of your anger once and for all - oh, I could go on.. you AAs know what I mean.
6
Great story, inspired me to share mine. I got sober when I was 23 years old. I am 52. I had abused alcohol since the age of 12. After years of depression, a suicide attempt and a hospitalization, I was sent to AA (I had actually gone twice before, once at 18 and again at 21, only to relapse). AA saved my life, and I can't imagine my life with alcohol in it. I still go to meetings and I still consider myself a member of AA ("The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking"). That being said, a few months ago I found myself suffering from the effects of menopause. Too many of my sober friends were quick to recommend anti-depressants (been there, done that). Instead, I did a little research and decided to give cannabis a try-WOW. Marijuana was never my so called "drug of choice", but I am amazed at what it is doing for me. There may be AA diehards who think I am not sober, but would they say the same thing to Bill Wilson, our co-founder, who took many LSD trips at UCLA in the 1950's to combat his depression?
I don't want to drink, and I certainly do not want to encourage anyone who thinks they will return to drinking if they do any sort of mind altering substance. This is just my experience. I enjoy cannabis and its medicinal effects. As we say in the program, "To thine OWN self be true".
8
I wouldn't be alive without AA -- that's where my mother and father met. They took me along to meetings with them, so from an early age I was indoctrinated with the idea that alcohol is evil and the only way to be rid of it is through AA. My mother still holds this belief, and judges drinkers harshly. I abstained from alcohol for many years, but in my 20s a late-blooming rebellion took hold and I decided I wanted to try it.
For a while things were fine, but last year my drinking became a problem. The first time I blacked out, I was horrified. (I'd bought a Stevie Wonder greatest hits album off Amazon with no recollection of it. This seems a little tame in hindsight.) I decided to quit, or at least take a break.
That's when I discovered something: I was not an addict. Alcohol is the easiest thing I've ever quit. I simply walked away from it, without AA, without severe cravings, without trouble. I'm at the end of a year-long break from alcohol and look forward to having some beer next week.
I've learned some things this past year. You don't have to be an addict to be a problem drinker. If you do have a problem, you already know it. AA is not the only path to sobriety. And my mom, who's been sober for 40 years, is the strongest person on Earth (but I already knew that).
10
To find an AA meeting near you: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
To find Al Anon, the support group for friends and families:
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
10
Promise 1: We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness
Promise 2: We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
Promise 3: We will comprehend the word serenity.
Promise 4: We will know peace.
Promise 5: No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
Promise 6: The feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
Promise 7: We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Promise 8: Self-seeking will slip away.
Promise 9: Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Promise 10: Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
Promise 11: We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
Promise 12: We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
12
Why do some people fall into this trap and other don't? 80% of my calories are from ethyl alcohol and have been for a decade. I'm not a drunk, but I probably fit into their "box". It's been a factor of human civilization for 3,000 years or more. Moderation is the key. Other years of experimentation have been more harmful in the long run, but I got through them. I'd rather enjoy life, than not.
2
@Steven Pettinga Very difficult question, probably for a micropsychologist of the 23rd century to answer: What's the difference between self-medicating with alcohol, masturbation, classical music, fanatical drive to succeed, or great novels? Some are stigmatized, others are not -- but aren't they all ways to feel different from our true self?
9
@Fred. That's the best response I believe I've ever gotten Fred. Thank you. It's a spectrum of behavior, while not self indulgent, that has been present in my life. I need it, I want it. I could blame it on 50 years of "experimentation" and growing up in the 60's & 70's. If I had it to do all over, I don't think I'd change a thing. I've fulfilled education & College, I worked from age 14 until 2004. I spent 17 years helping my parents, 7 days a week...the best time of my life. They were my best friends and it was satisfying to pay them back. I've lost most of my relatives to old age or disease; along with 10 pets who I adopted. Last year, my partner of 28 years moved out without a word. I should have plenty of reasons to be depressed, but I am not. That's the set of cards life has played for me. It's been a wonderful life, I have no regrets. I tried my best, yet I have failed by some of today's measures. I want to live, but if I go between 75 & 80...I'll have had enough. I'm not quite sure, but you may have reached similar conclusions. Again, thank you- Steven
6
@Steven Pettinga
- first of all the 80% is not from the alcohol, but the substance the alcohol is within. Alcohol is roughly 7cals per gm. So to reach 80%, that's a whole lotta straight grain alcohol.
I would suggest you seek others opinions as to your "condition". Drunks are the worst judges oftheir own state of being.
6
After some 45 years of being a “high functioning” alcoholic, I was able to walk away from it about 7 years ago, when I finally got successful treatment for my raging depression. Yes, I know alcohol makes depression worse, but I didn’t care. It’s interesting that just before I stopped drinking, I was prescribed a medication called Wellbutrin, which is sometimes used to help people stop smoking. It was prescribed for my depression (or maybe my psychiatrist had this in mind!), but shortly after starting 450mg a day, I totally lost interest in alcohol and was able to walk away from it without any problems. I also walked away from my long-term relationship with a man whose day didn’t really begin until he had his noon beer. Seven plus years later, I don’t even think about alcohol, unless I have to visit my 90 year old father, who is hale and hearty and whose cocktail hour starts promptly at 4 p.m. every day. Then I will have a single glass of wine in self-defense, because he’s so difficult to deal with. Luckily, I only visit about every 18 months - I don’t think I could take it more often than that.
There are many ways to stop drinking - you don’t necessarily have to go to AA if that doesn’t feel right to you. You just have to find what works for you.
15
Great stories that’s what AA is all about telling your story to another drunk and hearing their road to sobriety. The fellowship, turning it over, and the epiphany of you’re not in charge. 20 years of a crazy, drunken, high functioning lifestyle followed by self imposed purgatory in a toxic marriage that only alcohol could treat for 18 years led to a bottom an inch from 6 feet under. 10 days in the ICU, a month in the hospital and finally in rehab I saw Bill’s white light. A drink makes absolutely nothing better. 8 years of sobriety and fellowship at 71. It's never too late or too early. These comments are like a AA meeting.
6
I am sober 7 plus years. I will break my anonymity to stand with all addicts and alcoholics who do the courageous day by day work of being sober. I stand with the family members of addicts and alcoholics who are learning, like I am, how to detach with love. I break my anonymity to stand with Heather King and her story of courage and resiliency. And I break my anonymity to give a message of hope to those who are still in the choke hold of a terrible disease. Thank you Heather King for having the courage and strength to speak your truth. You are the proof that all is possible.
21
Alcoholism is an exceedingly complex disorder, and that doesn't make it easy to talk about, as is evidenced by Heather King's moving writing here.
Of interest is the illuminating 2015 commentary from Gabriel Glaser in the Atlantic about AA (link below). I am familiar with the ramifications of the behavior in alcoholic families and with AA; society has been struggling with alcoholism for a long time. The term for it is refined to be "alcohol use disorder" in the psychiatric DSM-5.
It's been difficult to find effective treatments for alcoholism. AA grew in a time of little knowledge of alcoholism's etiology:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/04/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/
To be sure, alcoholism, or, alcohol use disorder, wreaks havoc in its victims who are the alcoholics and the relations to alcoholics. AA is one way to confront the desperation that alcoholics feel, but it is a problem for the non-alcoholic family members who also have to suffer its consequences. Some posters here cite AA programs that are designed to deal with that problem.
And AA is not psychology; its demand to adhere to its rigid, twelve-step program resembles more a cult. But the view, as evidenced in some of the comments here, is, "if that's what it takes, then so be it," further evidence of our poor understanding of alcoholism.
Heather King is exactly correct: Alcoholics have to reconstruct the life not lived; this is what AA does for the alcoholic.
2
So many congratulations and kudos here. Anyone who lifts a glass of alcohol to their lips and then drives while impaired deserves to land in jail, whether they’re alcoholics or not. Think, people, think!
8
Ms. King, thanks for sharing!
2
I'm presently watching one of my clients not getting any actionable help from our therapy. I've patted myself on the back for some "brilliant ideas" I've given him, but I know that people don't become addicts for lack of good ideas. In the majority, they have deep-seated pain and alcohol soothes it. This is where I am seriously hoping Ms. King will remain sober for the rest of her days. Her statement -- "My life as a sober mother has cured the awful ache deep inside my core" -- doesn't jibe with many alcoholics' experience. Absence of alcohol enables the reappearance of historical pain, it doesn't cure it. If she does, in the future, feel any pull back to alcohol, I advise her to engage in the kind of depth therapy that faces painful aspects of the past and lets them pour out -- finally.
7
@Fred: That sentence about being a sober mother curing the awful ache jumped out at me, too. Giving up alcohol does not make one automatically love life and find joy. And being a mother can be really hard and doesn't always bring automatic fulfillment. I hope others who think they will automatically find joy will not be discouraged when they don't and start drinking again.
1
Not a real alcoholic, an addict, I found help in AA. The meetings which have all the components of a good therapy group, the fellowship/friendship, and the opportunity to do good without much show or fuss create miraculous change.
13+ years clean and sober and grateful for the clarity and simplicity; If you don't take the first drink/fix, you can’t get drunk/addicted.
5
Thank you for sharing your story, there are a great many of us who have gone through similar experiences. May your journey be real and joyful, one day at a time.
3
Bless you, from another FOB
2
What an interesting story of bravery. I have worked for the military in a technical capacity. I've had periods when I relied on alcohol to get me through tough times. That and cigarettes. My family is very big on the 12 step programs and we've gotten a lot of help from them.
1
Women need to be careful in AA.
In my brief stint in AA - I hated it and left post-haste to get sober on my own, which I did successfully over 30 years ago - I saw men preying on girls and women all the time. Vulnerable, sad teenagers and young women, looking for help and getting the opposite.
I had men hitting on me, old guys telling me that if I didn't find Jesus I would die, people arguing with me when I said I didn't believe in the big man in the sky version of god, people telling me that I needed to go to meetings twice a day, people telling me all sorts of absolute nonsense. I felt no camaraderie. What I experienced was a lot of old men pushing me around and telling me what to do.
No thanks. My version of sobriety is wonderful. I just don't drink. I don't want it. I don't think about it. I don't go to meetings every night and go on about it, obsessing about it like it's a scab that needs picking. It stopped being a part of my life when I decided that I was the one in charge.
67
@LauraF - AA is leaderless, so the philosophy is transmitted by fellow alcoholics who have their own issues and wisdom (or lack of it). I never experienced anything like you describe and I’m so sorry your experience was so tainted. I’m imagining that a change of meetings or going to women’s meetings might yield a different outcome. And, having said that, there is no one-size-fits-all solution for dealing with alcoholism. So glad you stopped and stayed stopped! Good for you.
32
@Kathryn
I tried several different meetings, including a group run mostly by women. In the latter group, the woman who thought it was "her" meeting (there's at least one person like that in every group) told me she thought I was never going to get sober because I was, in her words "too conceited." Silly woman. Vanity is what got me started on getting sober.
But that's when I pulled the plug.
18
@LauraF
This is very true. As a woman you must be careful. I was very aware of this, even as a "Al-Anoner". This is not a secret- this is the "13th Step". Not to drag anyone down, but meetings are not for everyone, and some people do genuinely have bad experiences. Congrats to Heather!
20
Thank you. Our circumstances are different in many ways, but the underlying feelings, the multiple attempts to quit, the shame, the belief that moderation is possible and that willpower is the solution, are common to all of us who struggle with addiction. I'm not there yet, but your story is now part of my arsenal.
2
The other mistake was to be a "Young Republican" --
24
@Michael F. Ziolkowski
not witty whatsoever.
15
@Michael F. Ziolkowski
This is a very disrespectful comment. I'm as liberal as they come, but I congratulate Heather, who's accomplished more in her lifetime than I probably ever will.
3
Girl, you need a Dog. Maybe two.
Seriously.
5
What is it with our military and what it's tasked to do for empire that leads so many vets to homelessness, drug addiction, suicide and failure?
Maybe it's what our troops must do to preserve the empire Americans are so proud of.
5
@DaveD
possibly PTSD trauma is a factor leading to the difficulties you list
Bill Wilson used LSD in therapeutic settings to cure himself of alcoholism. He proposed to the AA board that LSD become a regular component of AA’s program.
Today, controlled, double-blind studies are showing psychedelic drugs may be the breakthrough treatment we’ve been waiting for, to cure addictions and many psychological afflictions. (Google “Johns Hopkins psilocybin” for example.)
Wilson’s proposal was denied because the AA board thought it would be bad PR for the group to suggest members rely on a substance as part of the cure. Thus, the board condemned millions to rely on AA alone, and to fail. How many heartbreaks and deaths were caused by this PR-driven decision?
AA has an abysmal success rate. Most people keep using and abusing until they’re really ready to quit, and maybe AA gives them community support to keep up the resolve—maybe it makes the difference then. But as another commenter pointed out, there’s no science behind it.
Also, AA has a cult-like quality, with similar detrimental effects on individual freedom of thought and expression. People in AA become kind of robotic and glassy eyed in their repetition of AA platitudes and axioms. They attend meetings endlessly, much of their lives subsumed by the “cure.”
Psychedelics, in contrast, take a day, and they open the mind.
It’s great to see the author was ready to quit. I suspect her success had little to do with AA and a lot to do with the accident and her older age and psychological maturity.
7
688 days booze free here, a miracle. Marty willing I will celebrate 2 years in September. I say Marty, because the hardest part of AA for me is the god thing. When I realized that my "god" is actually my memories of my old boss and mentor Marty Africa, I got over it. I don't go to as many meetings as I would like, but I thank Marty every morning when I wake up sober-she was far from a teetotaler, but I imagine her being comforted by this new life I now enjoy. It is working for me.
5
Please stick with it. Alcohol killed my 42 year old son last year through liver failure and resultant infection. He just couldn't/wouldn't stop the self destructive behavior.
5
Maybe being a young republican is part of the problem. Alberto Gonsales? Please. Hopefully being coming undrunk will make you more clear eyed in general. Sorry no pity, but hope you continue to stay sober.
7
@Nina I don't know what Alberto Gonesales said because you did not post so your comment would attach to his but this story is not political. How dare you arrogantly snipe about becoming "undrunk" giving someone clarity. You missed the point of this story and your comments are way off the mark. Perhaps someone in your life is an alcoholic? Not my business but there is a lot of heat in your comments. Might want to try Alanon.
3
@Nina , this is the kind of black-and-white, un-compassionate thinking (usually a criticism used toward the "Right") that makes this lifelong Liberal start to rethink her support of "progressive" candidates. Everyone is starting to sound as intolerant as everyone else on either side. ("Meet the new boss/Same as the old boss.")
The author is describing a life-and-death struggle with her demons, trying to be the kind of mother her children need to be, and you come here and criticize her political affiliations? I want Trump gone so badly I can taste it, but I'm disgusted by this kind of thing too. Consider the possibility that your energies may be better spent on endeavors other than making comments to disparage a recovering alcoholic.
8
It goes to show you the military is no place for a women. The culture of bullies , alcoholics , rapists and just plain bad lifestyles for most of the men is ingrained so deep they won’t change or can’t. I am retired military and am glad i never had an alcohol problem . I do remember at Ft Dix NJ my basic training station in 1972 they had a series of murders one a week for a while. Drugs . To be a man was tough enough and stressful living with that fear . Now the women have to be afraid of being assaulted at alarming rates. Some professions its just better to stay out of.
7
@D.j.j.k. so poor little women are not strong enough to deal with the rigors of the military? The woman who wrote this article proves you wrong. The dysfunction in the military is the result of a male dominated, mysogonist culture that allows for men to behave like pigs and get away with it. And the military produces some of the finest people in our culture. It is a conundrum of the first order. But if the culture is going to change it begins with men like you who will confront the incivility of men in the military, who will never allow for the abhorrent treatment some women in military experience. Change, sir, begins with you. And change will not happen by your demeaning women.
3
@Jo Trafford
I do not need to change. I support # me too and am against the bullies and bad guys doing all this evil. I resented that you said i need to change . Recently my Army times news paper listed all the bases that have had high assault numbers against women. Why would a women want to join up a force with such a poor track record and have a leader like Trump who is an abuser himself. You need to reread my letter and see i was demeaning no one . Are you on the bottle!!!
1
@D.j.j.k.
Your heart is certainly in the right place, but women should be allowed to serve their country too.
It's too bad that the Military and other quasi-military organizations refuse to make women's safety a priority.
Heather...Keep it up...one day at a time.
Blair P.
Canada
3
The only thing she should be thankful is not killing anyone while driving drunk.
5
Message to all recovering alcoholics: be honest about the topic with your significant other as much as possible, as early as possible. So that person can make an informed decision about the relationship.
I married a woman and we started a family. Then, after various stumbling and drinking incidents as a full-fledged adult with responsibilities, she disclosed that she's been an alcoholic since age 15. She knew, she just didn't tell me.
But for our children, I would end the marriage and start another life. With kids in the mix, it's not that simple. The marriage continues because blowing it up is impractical. It would only trade one set of problems for another.
All fine and well to get clean and make amends. I salute those who've done it. But honesty is just as important as sobriety. The sooner the better - or you will upend people's lives in a host of ways, beyond drinking and stumbling, that can't be corrected.
9
@Publius try Alanon
2
Reading this was like looking in the mirror when I was active duty air force. There were not conflicts when I served. I was in communications, all men, lots of drinking, daily drinking. TDY for extended periods of time, most of the year. Risky behavior. I was sexually assaulted, alcohol was involved. I didn't hurt myself but, I too, hurt people I loved and still love. I got out, drank as a civilian. It took longer than I would have liked to stop, but I did. I could not and still to this day have trust issues. I am married and no longer drink. I trust 2 people on this earth with my love, thoughts and fears.
Keep up the hard work, you and your family are worth it. YOU are worth it.
4
I stopped drinking 20 years ago. I was getting hangovers from just one beer. So I decided, why would I give myself the flu the next day for just a few beers tonight? I lost friends, things did change and it was sometimes difficult to go to parties sober. For me it was a simple and clear choice. I chose myself over others, selfish really. I've never looked back.
7
One of the hardest battles with sobriety is finding the appropriate "fillers". What do I do with this time, this very alert time? Where I would have been drunk, or in the rituals of getting there. The rituals can be many and I guess they differ from person to person. I guess the rituals are common with all addicts, or those prone to compulsive behaviors. (I don't mean OCD)
I can fill much of the regular time with daily tasks...of course there's work, then home chores, always exercise...but then there are those quiet times. No drinks while making dinner? Yikes. No post-dinner drinks...relaxing with a full belly on the back deck. Yikes. All the little distractions of drinking are gone. Is the ice ready? Are the glasses clean, and if needed, chilled? Do I have lemons, limes? Mixers? Or the right series of beers to start and finish the drinking segment. Cant drink them out of order.
The alone times are the most difficult. Where a drink or several would ease me thru those...keep the thoughts and memories of everything at bay.
At first being busy for busy's sake is enough...but then that grows tiresome and obvious. The sober brain calls you out on such behaviors. "Why cant you sit and relax?" "What are you so afraid of?"
You, brain, you!
Not enough is said about how people get thru their sobriety. Too much is spent on the "Why I quit!" stories. On the ravages of Being an addict.
Not enough is said about how the former addict copes and fills those quiet times.
14
32 years sober and counting, Via AA. We drank because we were alcoholic. Not because "I wanted to fit in with the guys, and the only way I knew how to do that was to drink with them." I have a litany of things I could blame my alcoholism on including military service. But it would not have mattered if I'd been brought up in the most stable and loving of households, I would've become a drinker. I applaud the author on her sobriety and her new life. Keep going to meetings, let go of the blame as it will not help you in any of life's endeavors. AA gives us a life beyond our wildest dreams. I just finished my morning meditation and am off to a meeting.
5
I don't like starting a story .. "I was part of the young Republicans " .. I know what the issue is already .. :)
5
@Richard Guthrie
Alcoholism doesn't care about your party affiliations. You're just as much at risk as Heather was.
Thank you for sharing your personal story of courage in beating this most formidable foe of alcoholism. Your story will inspire many.
2
I read Alan Carr's "Stop Drinking Now" three years ago, and haven't touched alcohol since. It is the one book that quite literally changed my life. If you can stop drinking - do.
2
I attribute most of my success to having stopped drinking some 20 years ago. No more hangovers, I wake up clear as a bell and ready to dream big every morning.
Energy = action. Alcohol will steal your life. Decide to not let it, there is an amazing life in the other side.
4
@Lake Monster
Energy does not equal action. So silly. Were you an addict? Doesn't sound like it...as you sound like those who don't understand addiction,and love to pontificate about how great they are for not being something that others do struggle with...
If alcohol is a source of comfort, you have a serious problem. Right there. Even if you never get "drunk" and can control it (you think).
3
Let’s stop excusing alcoholics by saying this is a disease. Humans have a choice, and that includes not abusing their bodies and extending effects of abuse to others, particularly children.
5
@Colorado woman do a bit of research on addiction. Perhaps some understanding of the bio neurological effects of substances on the biology of the brain might help enlighten you. There are profound reasons it is brutally hard for many people to stop drinking.
7
The 11th Tradition states: Our public relations policy is based upon attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.
5
While there are a lot of good people in AA I really wish people would stop pushing it as the best treatment option for addiction problems. In no other area does the medical community defer to a "spiritual" approach based on pseudoscience, anecodotal evidence, and confirmation bias who's results have been shown in scientific studies to be barely better than just straight abstinence. Recent scientific studies have shown that most addicts do recover and most of those do it without any formal treatment program. Meanwhile newcomers to AA are often told that their approach is the only one that works and if it doesn't work for the newcomer (as it doesn't for most people who try AA), the newcomer is to blame (ie being told they are "Constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves" as is read at the start of most meetings).This leads to a spiraling cycle of shame and relapse for many people as they view themselves as the problem when really the AA approach itself is just flawed for most addicts.
Some more recent books with a modern understanding of addiction are
1. Dr Gabor Mate's "In the realm of hungry ghosts: Close encounters with addiction", which ties mental health issues with most substance abuse problems (ie not a "spiritual" malady as AA claims)
2. Dr Marc Lewis's "The biology of desire: Why addiction is not a disease"
I believe more people would recover if they took the 15Kthey waste on failed rehabs and just spend that money on good psychotherapy instead.
9
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Courage, strength, RESPECT! Also, I recommend meditation as taught by Thich Nhat Hanh. It's not easy, but it's the best way out of the madness.
2
Great story of recovery. I have been sober over 12 years (hard to believe), thanks to some talented counselors, patient sponsors, and a lot of meetings. I especially appreciate the story being about and told by someone who is neither white nor male.
1
thank you for sharing your story and the showing us the gift sobriety has been to you. That struggle, I can do it myself, I can quit if I want to is the core of addiction. While private treatment facilities may work, they depend on AA to give structure to a recovering alcoholic's life. AA is free, you are sitting with experts, humble alcoholics who have put down the drink. Congratulations for every sober day, keep coming back, it works. 43 years sober here.
6
I’m 10 months sober, and currently white knuckling it while seeing a therapist. I went to AA my first few weeks of sobriety but found it overwhelming. My therapist has been gently suggesting I return, in part due to the extreme loneliness I feel about being “the only sober one.” It’s a hard step to take, but this article inspired me to to take it. I’m going to a meeting in an hour. Thanks for your honesty and strength by example.
17
@Kars, there are other programs that exist that are not 12-step based which can also help. SMART recovery and Refuge recovery are good options for people who do not like 12 step.
5
@Kars
Being the only sober one is a feeling that passes. Don't let it stop you. Decades into sobriety I just view my friends with amusement when they get drunk. I can get them home safely, too.
Sometimes, though, your friends will sabotage you, and that you must be wary of. I stopped seeing certain people because they weren't healthy for me. But if your friends are true friends, they will support you through this.
Good luck. And stay strong.
7
As heart warming as this story is, the author is clearly not familiar with AA’s tradition of a anonymity at the level of press, radio and film. If she were she would have written in the 3rd person or in some other manner to protect her anonymity. I am a long time member myself, so it distresses me a little to see this. However, I am also quite aware of the fact that AA has survived far greater violations of anonymity, and the plethora of anti-AA kooks it smokes out. AA has been my greatest blessing. I live a sober, happy, contented and honorable life as the result of AA, and have done so now for several decades. Despite the anonymity breach, I wish the author just the very same that I have found in AA.
11
All of the thoughts and feelings mentioned in this article are so very recognizable to those whose lives have been affected in some way by alcoholism. Although I decided AA isnt for me (after 16 months of meetings ), I haven't had a in drink in 6 years, and stopping drinking has completely changed my life. For me, finding a healthy, loving relationship, going to graduate school, starting a new career, and learning how to love my parents, siblings, and niece/nephews, have all been part of this gift of a life with no alcohol. I don't judge others lives, and the problem was/is with ME and alcohol. I too had reached a point where I didn't want to live a life without drinking, until the physical and mental anguish became too much to bear. PLEASE, if this resonated with you, give yourself a chance, and get help from those that care, because those people are there if you look.
6
All of the thoughts and feelings mentioned in this article are so very recognizable to those whose lives have been affected in some way by alcoholism. Although I decided AA isnt for me (after 16 months of meetings ), I haven't had a in drink in 6 years, and stopping drinking has completely changed my life. For me, finding a healthy, loving relationship, going to graduate school, starting a new career, and learning how to love my parents, siblings, and niece/nephews, have all been part of this gift of a life with no alcohol. I dont judge others lives, and the problem was/is with ME and alcohol. I too had reached a point where I didnt want to live a life without drinking, until the physical and mental anguish became too much to bear. PLEASE, if this resonated with you, give yourself a chance, and get help from those that care, because those people are are there if you look.
3
Thanks for sharing. Hearing stories like this makes me think about my parents. Wonderful functional people who drank way to much. They always had that big bottle of Gallo wine to polish off. My Dad's preferred drink was rum and ice. Arguments were a way of life growing up. A divorce seemed inevitable. Fortunately my Mom found AA and it changed her life. Stories like this reinforce what an incredible organization AA is.
5
As a women who after drinking at least 30 years I got sober 5 years ago. I won't go into my conflicting feelings on AA here. AA or not for this alcoholic love of self was the key. I did so much for everyone so I could feel better about my drinking. That was a huge step in my recovery. Putting my recovery first was the next step.
3
Many of us have a story like this, where we decide, at the scene of the accident, that we don't want to die this way. Fear, and shame, are excellent motivators.
3
As a veteran and fellow “friend of Bill”. Hats off and a big salute! It only gets better. Working on my 20 and still learning. Way to go!!!
3
Geesus...why is this drug legal and pot isn’t? Seems like this drug has wreaked much more havoc on our society yet is normalized at all levels. Next time I see Stephen Colbert joking about putting liquor in his coffee (PBR new drink), I’m going to think of this women’s struggle and wonder “what if opioids were the drug that they were making jokes about instead?”, would we all still laugh?
8
Alcohol is a chemical that alters brain function and cognition. Taken in large amounts, alcohol can be hazardous to one's health.
2
A good story is always nice, and it worked for this author. I believe AA is junk treatment. I do not believe that one has to turn him or herself over to a "higher power" that does not even exist, to get straightened out. That 12 step nonsense is simply turning over one bad behavior for another (subscribing to delusion). Mental healthcare, exercise, and healthy living are far better antidotes than lying to oneself. AA and its adherents talk about their successes; but there are far more folks who fail with that claptrap than succeed. You won't hear them tout that record.
5
@Frank, you might really enjoy reading about how Bill Wilson created AA. The current organization is very different than its beginnings. Carl Jung was the first person to recommend “nothing less than a spiritual experience” to cure alcoholism. It’s less about a higher power and more about a personal experience which can transforms your thinking.
Read for yourself: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_W.
3
I remember a client who shared with a nurse and myself, that she knew she was drinking herself to death. She was living with hepatitis (& then there were almost no treatments for that) & HIV & a man who frequently beat her. She was educated, religious, believed suicide to be a sin. Her sadness haunts me. Perhaps, she found relief away from the liquor. ODAT.
4
Thank you for making it through and not giving up. You have a lot to offer the world.
3
The important thing is to never give up. Your enemies want you to keep drinking.It felt so good when I quit that I didn't need to fear these people.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have tears pouring down my cheeks - this is my story too. Part of what makes this disease so hard is people don't realize, if you are an alcoholic, you constantly live in a world where sirens call. Instead of AF I did grad school, but I have 2 kids, went through a divorce because of my alcoholism, and just lived in denial for many years that I was the problem. I got a DUI with very serious consequences, and I have been trying to get sober in AA since. It's a battle! I wish you the very best.
3
All this people talking about how many years they have been sober is pathetic. Life is all about moderation and being able to have a drink here and there is absolutely fine. What happens is people take things to the extreme and ruin it for everyone. People need to learn to live moderate lives
@Brett Epi
Sorry, but addiction is a real thing. Addicts won't stop at one hit of whatever drug they use. Just look at cigarettes.
2
@Bretti Epi, clearly you have never experienced addiction. I truly envy your innocence.
3
@Brett Epi
The point you have missed Brett is that some either struggle to moderate or cannot, period. It is not as simple as learning to moderate. Lastly, someone who decides to abstain from drinking entirely is not ruining anything for everyone.
2
This should be added to the stories in the next edition of The Big Book.
2
AA is a wonderful resource. I realize that often, people reaching for recovery will have some reluctance to rely on AA because of perceived religiosity. When I encounter people like this, I encourage them to try to disregard these details and consider that AA will provide them much needed therapy in the form of emotional peer support, usually daily (depending on their location-there are meetings daily in nearly every city and town). And it is free, although some meeting groups have a tradition of passing the basket for a $1 donation to contribute to the landlord for the meeting place.
I attended one meeting each day of the first year that I was sober after about 25 years of problem drinking. I have not continued to go, which is not the recommended practice. I have been sober for over 25 years.
5
@another Matt I don't know if it matters to you that I am an atheist. I have met with many different groups within AA (the practitioners do often form groups). Some individuals expressed more religious ideas than others, but I did not find anyone expressing the idea that the primary purpose of the meetings was religious. Everyone understood that the primary goal was to support each other in reaching and maintaining sobriety.
A beautiful story that reminds me not to judge others. And that change is always possible.
11
Thanks for sharing your story, Heather. I grew up in a family of alcoholics. The harm that parents addicted to alcohol inflict on their children can be immense and goes under reported and appreciated. I’d love to hear your son’s version of your family story. I hope both of your children have access to professional mental health support as their lives evolve. Childhood trauma can last a lifetime and does not end just because a parent stops drinking.
19
Alcoholism is an inherited gene. So in one sense you are powerless to whether or not you get it. It is also environmental,societal and behavioral factors that play into also. I am a child of an alcoholic father who died from alcohol. And his decisions while he was drinking affected the rest of my As I grew up I turned to alcohol to numb my painful childhood. I realized that I was headed down the same path that he was. Through a hard cold turkey approach I stopped. It never leaves you though. The urge to drink still is there. I know in my heart I can't start again.I live with the struggle every day. The easy choice would be to drink. The hard and difficult choice is to not drink.Life is about choices. Right choices and wrong choices. And the consequences of those choices dictates the path we choose .
9
@Charles I'm sure you know you don't have to do this alone. I joined AA 8+ years ago and I found getting and staying sober with others was a far easier path than trying to do it alone. I only share this as yet another testimonial as to the power of AA. If you've tried AA and found it lacking, then try different meetings. I had to attend 12+ different meetings until I found one that worked for me.
7
@Charles
Talk to your doctor about Campral. For many, including me, it totally removed the urge to drink.
1
AA works if you work it sober. Treatment programs, therapy, meditation, exercise all are aids to recovery but ultimately the alcoholic must be the recoverer. The statistics on success vary as does the research plus women are different no matter who writes the script. Our stories are as endless as the excuses we used to drink, bottom line we are alcoholics and we have a chemical imbalance. This will and has been debated by professionals and treatment centers forever but the rooms of AA are where the trench work begins and continues for recovery. Thank you for sharing, helping others we stay sober, 12th step, but we also live a life we never imagined and for that I will always be grateful!
7
Such an inspiring story--thank you for sharing this. Addictions take a firm grip on someone's life and they are so hard to overcome, but they can be overcome. The methods people use to conquer them may differ, but the most important thing is that in order to succeed, the addict must want to conquer the addiction more than they want to continue their addictive behavior. Stay strong, Heather, and I pray for your continued sobriety. It may not always be easy but it will always be worth it.
7
As the child of an alcoholic, and a person enmeshed in a circle of other children of alcoholism, all I will add is that the author should consider AA the beginning, not the end of the recovery process.
Apparently only 12% of people who start their recovery at an AA meeting end up staying. After having talked through the process with a quite a number of alcoholics, both recovering and relapsed, one key to sobriety appears to be a willingness to do everything necessary to get at the underlying dynamics that drove you to drink in the first place. For some, this will involve long-term psychotherapy, medication, yoga, meditation, herbs, and other modalities.
Some groups apparently look down on attendees who opt for medication (either to eliminate alcohol's capacity to intoxicate or reduce the impact of life-long anxieties that likely prompted the need to drink in the first place) - and IMHO, this is a major error.
A 12% success rate is nothing to be proud of. It suggests, at best, a modality that offers healing to a select group, and not the general population of substance abusers.
Substance abuse, be it via alcohol, pharmaceuticals, or recreational drugs, is an epidemic that is devastating our American family. Prohibition has not worked - and so we as a society need to get serious about understanding and alleviating the core psychological, physiological and spiritual dynamics that promote it.
23
I grew up in a home with a college educated, alcoholic father and
a mother who drank to keep him company. It affected their ability
to provide for our family and to be good parents. We moved every
year or two as a direct result of my father being fired from various
jobs. I remember myself and my brothers doing without decent
clothing and food while they spent any disposable income on
alcohol and cigarettes.
I'm relieved the author is sober now and has reconciled with her children. However, those lost years will haunt the family forever. I pray she and her children can realize a brighter future.
13
Tears in my eyes as I read this - thank you for being so honest and sharing your story. Wishing you and your family the very best.
11
Thank you for this heart filled success story. Your honesty and recovery are inspiring.
8
Alcoholics Anonymous really works. Resistance is high when you are confronted by the choice of a life of booze and denial versus clean and sober. Turn it over! The payoff is so much greater than addiction to a much harder way of life. There is no way I could have put the drink down if I thought too much about never drinking again. A day at a time for 22 ½ years, I have my life back - beyond my wildest dreams.
12
An amazing story; I wish you and your family all the happiness possible. What you did was so hard, so very hard, and to stay sober, even harder. One day at a time. I wish for all those still struggling with alcohol, to read this article and realize they too, can have a new life.
9
Kudos to you for recognizing the wake- up call and sticking to a plan. Not an easy thing!
You are an accomplished, strong woman with so much more life and love ahead of you. I wish you continued light and strength, one day at a time.
8
Honey, you are me. Or I am you. Once the room stops spinning I'll know for sure.
2
I am a 70 year-old musician and singer. I work also as an actor, and in Australia to where I migrated from my native UK I have become a well-known figure in the entertainment industry.
As a sober alcoholic I am moved by Heather King’s story. As often happens when hearing the honesty of someone ‘sharing’ at an AA meeting, it resonates strongly with my own.
I have been sober for 19 years one day at a time. My substance of choice for recreation as a young British rock musician was, unsurprisingly, marijuana. Would that I had stuck with just that. But I had many insecurities beneath the surface of my seeming confidence, and alcohol made these go away. I became a heavy drinker who believed it was my ‘cultural identity’. I had many such arrogant justifications, chief among them the fact that I claimed to be, and believed myself to be a person who could drink with impunity.
Broken marriages, lost opportunities for real international breakthroughs in my work, children that I genuinely loved but essentially neglected; all these things I blindly refused to acknowledge for the roughly 20 years of my escalating drinking after I had turned 30. The last three years of that time saw me as a compulsive, lying, uncontrolled round-the-clock drinker taking furtive slugs all day from bottles of vodka secreted in bags, the trunks of cars and at the back of closets.
It was AA’s ‘buddy’ system, and insistance on honesty that gave me back my life 19 years ago.
31
@John Waters
Weren't the Proudman father on Offspring? You were tremendous!
(The whole cast).
2
Alcohol was my best friend for decades. I could not fathom what activities you could do or fun you could have if drinking was not a key component. I was married to an enabler, and his major concern was a car accident. So he no longer allowed me to drive, but I still went out w/my buddies who were like me. My only fear was that one night I would come home at my usual 1 am and there would be Dr. Phil and my family, co-workers, neighbors, for an intervention. The thought of that was humiliating. The intervention that did finally occur was with my psychiatrist who noted that I showed up intoxicated too many times and something had to be done like today. He called my husband that evening and then called a rehab center in Topeka which dealt with alcoholism and depression. I was in Kansas in less than 5 days.
My fears of the intervention were so irrelevant. When my family was told of the treatment plan for me, they were all caught off guard and did not realize that I was an alcoholic. My husband hid the chaos and dysfunction that occurred in our home very well. He was embarrassed and couldn't talk about it, and my family didn't look at alcoholism as a disease but rather a weakness of character.
I thought I would not be able to live without glass or 2 of Chardonnay after work. I haven't had anything to drink w/alcohol for 17 years. I have forgotten what a hangover feels like - AA is the best bargain in the US and the world! ($1.00 donation/meeting if you can)
17
Thank you for the article. I hope it encourages others. I was struck by your experience as a heavy drinker in the military, and how you left.
Mission burn out has a deleterious effect on the military. When personnel are essential, the commander is less likely to initiate a disciplinary action or counseling; another other factor is often 'the effect on career'. Too many military leaders just want to dictate responsible social drinking, and will harshly punish some as examples and ignore others that they need or like.
AA is present on most military bases (but not all ships), and military commands can benefit by acknowledging AA as a tool that can improve morale and as a cost efficient way to improve the performance and well being of individuals that it reaches. It's always up to the individual if they are ready to stop drinking or whatever, but there are those that really need the chance and sometimes don't get it on active duty.
Many problems in military societies and others, like sexual and family abuse, are ancillary to the inherent bad judgement endemic to chronic alcohol abuse. Although alcoholism is listed as a disability under the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act), it is not a disability not to drink. The unspoken idea that 'not drinking' is a disability and a hindrance to Command efficiency is very wrong but often is the first hurdle to overcome. Some people just need to live without alcohol to do well.
7
Alcoholism along with any other addiction is a medical disease. In some corners of the planet, addictions are often seen as defects of character, lack of moral scruples. It's not fair as the brain is part of our anatomy and it deserves a lot more respect than it gets. If I take a heart medication due to a heart defect, people cheer me on that a medication has saved my life. But if I struggle with gambling, raging, overeating, or overdrinking, I am looked down upon as if I lack moral character. The brain is still being figured out by the best scientists in the world. It is the final frontier and may remain a mystery for the rest of our existence. I applaud all those who survive the battle of the bottle, needle, or credit card debt. Thank goodness for 12-step groups and other reputable programs that helps save lives from addiction. It's time to stop judging and begin healing.
11
Well done sister. Keep on keeping on. One. Day. At. A. Time.
And thank you for your service.
16
I just celebrated 17 years of sobriety. Every single day I am deeply grateful to be free. I have not had one morning of shame or wondering what I did in a black out, whom I drunk-dialed or made uncomfortable.
The emphasis in our culture on drinking and how much “fun“ it is to party and binge-drink are inexpressibly irresponsible. There is nothing OK about alcohol and, yet, there it is - as legal as can be. Unfortunately, there is no indication alcohol will ever be recognized as the danger it truly is. Thank God, I am out of its killing grasp.
11
Be proud and stand tall!! Keep it up, becuse you are not alone. Most of all, continue to be honest with yourself and those around you!!! You can do this!!! One day at a time
3
Please read Tradition 12 - on anonymity.
9
@SMP, PhD
Amen...I was thinking the same thing, but I would add read Tradition 11.
4
Anonymity is a personal choice. Our pledge is to respect the anonymity of others in order to keep the rooms open to all without fear.
1
She made a choice in telling her story on a very big stage and I applaud her decision. There’s no shame in having an issue and talking about it and if her story inspires one person to change their life, then that’s a tradition well broken. She outed herself. Nobody else.
In life you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.
2
Congratulations!
1
I wonder if she's still a republican.
2
@Urban.Warrior As a diehard liberal and Democrat, I don't see why that matters or who cares. She's sober and happier, that's the important part.
29
Congratulations on your rebirth as a sober person. I'm sure you feel much better physically now. And as an added bonus, you have all a whole network of of people in recovery for support. We're all in this together.
3
I am disappointed that so few of the comments that I've read in response to this article address the author's DUI. At what point of sobriety should a person be ready to resume driving? As inspiring as Ms. King's story may be, I shudder to think of the lives that could have been inextricably altered had her admitted multiple episodes of DUI resulted in the injury or death of innocent people.
5
@Mike Gera
I understand the point but what is the reasonable answer? Shall we take their license away forever? 10 years? 25 years? Have you -- or any of us never done 1 (or several) stupid things while driving that could have easily costs other people's lives? Would that mean that our license should also be taken away for 25 years?
2
@Saren
Pretty simple:
First time DUI, 1 Year suspension
Second time DUI, 5 Year suspension
Third time DUI: Forever, no exceptions
I have seen multiple situations where drivers, particularly affluent drivers, are able to keep driving with minimal consequences.
In most states, driving is a privilege, not a right.
2
Congratulations on your years of sobriety; as the adult child of an alcoholic father, I know how hard it was for you to reach that acceptance that your drinking was out of control (my father was never able to do so). I went to many open AA and Al-Anon meetings over the years to help me deal with it. The picture of you with you children says more than words...I'm truly so happy for you that you reached the other side, Heather. Best wishes for a continued joyful, meaningful life!
9
AA was a blessing for my 19 year old son. 7/26/2019 marks his
ten years of sobriety. He is a college graduate with a Master's degree and a very good job. AA and self-determination saved
his life. He realized if he wanted to live, it would have to be without alcohol. He didn't choose to have this disease but he chose to stand up to it.
15
One of my best friends since I was a teenager became a serious alcoholic in the years following her gastric bypass surgery. Her life eventually spiraled out of control. She passed away a year ago today at the age of 42, leaving behind devastated family and friends. As I read this article, my heart just aches. I miss her so much. I tried to talk to her and recommended treatment, but she didn’t want to quit. She thought she could control her drinking like a “normal” person. Ultimately she couldn’t and needed to quit completely. Now she will never have the chance. If someone reading this sees themself in this article and hasn’t quit yet, you still have a chance. Take it!
11
Thanks for sharing your story, Heather. I'm sure it will help many people. I could relate to a lot of your experiences. I've got 15 years sober now, and my girls are grownups who are proud of me and who love what AA has done for our family. I still am active in AA because it has taught me a wonderful way to cope with life and given me lifelong friends. I wish the same for you. Peace.
11
Alcoholism is an Insidious disease. Those afflicted are usually in self denial and strike out at those care for them the most. Experiencing this with a loved one, and at my wits end, I spoke with a pastor. He was extremely candid and said that alcoholism have to hit rock bottom in some phase of their life in orders to want to change. We are still waiting and praying. AA is a wonderful group, I hope our loved one finds help there
10
@Roger Dodger Yes, sadly, you have to stand by and watch your loved one descend to a bottom, whatever that bottom is. It is truly the best thing you can do for him/her. In the meantime, check out Al-Anon for yourself. There is a lot of support there for people whose lives have been affected by another person's drinking.
6
I divorced my husband of 32 years- father of my children- because his alcoholism was killing me. The drinking that started in college became a full-blown physical addiction over time that led to alienation of his family, lost jobs, a couple of DUIs and a suicide attempt. I read books on alcoholism and the merits of various treatments while my husband was out partying. Through all this, he would go to AA or be in one of rehab program or another.
I wasn't in denial of the seriousness of it, or the damage it was doing, but I couldn't give up on the image I had of my perfect family. I was sure I could 'fix' this thing if only I exerted my will; hit on the right 'strategy.' All of this was inevitably doomed to fail. I finally filed for a divorce that my ex wouldn't agree to. He wouldn't sign the papers until he needed money from me and I had 'leverage.' That was his 'bottom.'
He came out of rehab, moved to a halfway house, and became an addictions counselor. He's been sober for almost ten years, and we remain friends. But he will never be the same- 35 years of heavy drinking took a heavy toll on his relationships, his physical health and his emotional stability. He is tight with an AA group and I hope that sees him through. For those on my side of the battle- whether it's your spouse, daughter, son or friend- don't forget to take care of yourself first. I didn't let go until I was suffering from a sort of PTSD myself. I know I'll never be the same.
21
Brave Mom and kids! Congratulaltions.
4
Thirty-eight years ago in October, I walked into an AA club in Austin, Texas and started a sober life. These days with more research behind them, the consensus among researchers is that AA is a not very effective solution in an increasing array of choices for alcohol addicts. No doubt this is true. I do not discount it. AA meetings saved me. Never a joiner, AA meetings in Austin were where I felt at home, where I belonged. I'm a freethinker, so, I ignored the God references and made the group my higher power. The human connections, the others in the meetings, saved me. Defeating my alcohol addiction was not easy. It was the best decision I ever made and I congratulate those people who stay alcohol-free by helping others discover that drinking alcohol is not necessary for a fulfilling and stimulating life.
12
Thank you for sharing. Passing it on keep me sober 7 years+. AirForce Veteran myself. Good stuff. It works!
5
My first AA meeting was 12/8/1983 & I've continued to stay sober & go to meetings.
At first I was afraid to even say when my last drink was, for fear I would jinx myself.
I was a 34 yo divorced mother of three, working full time. Yet, was able to make 90 meetings in 90 days. Actually went most days unless the snow was an issue for 2 years. I stayed with the women, avoided any relationship early on. Did the steps with my sponsor & then sponsored women.
I was raised a Catholic, but as an adult 'god' isn't the higher power in my life, too judgmental, Mother Nature is.
'Just for today' is the slogan I still find comfort in.
I've had some wonderful relationships, one lasted 17 years, I've had cancer. My younger sister died. My children have had their ups & downs, I have 5 grandchildren & 2 great grandchildren.
Living life isn't always easy, but it's rewarding & MUCH better sober!
AA works for me & millions, if you're wondering if it will work for you, give it a try. What do you have to lose?
Good luck to all the happy sober warriors & thank you to those who lead the way. xox
15
You are so brave to share this story. You are brutally honest about the toll your behavior has taken and very hard on yourself. You were attacked and mistreated by the military and I hope you get the counseling you deserve. Stay sober and keep healing and take all the support from your new community.
9
Thanks for sharing your story. And, congratulations! I'm 29 year's sober and grateful every day. To everyone out there who is struggling, do not give up hope. We don't do this alone. Reach out, talk it out, keep your head up.
9
I am surprised how little attention is being given to the role of trauma in the author's addiction. Trauma (especially in childhood) is the strongest predictor of substance abuse.
If we had a just economic system, perhaps the author could have had the attention of her mother growing up. If the military had a just system for addressing harassment and assault, instead of treating them as a "cost of admission" for female service members, perhaps she would not have had to struggle alone with that betrayal.
If we had a just mental health system, perhaps the author would have been able to work through her trauma in a more effective way than blotting it out.
We will never fully address substance abuse when we treat it as a personal moral failing, rather than a way that people address trauma because there are no better options.
41
@April
Twelve stars on this comment!!
Bullseye!
There are many who will bash AA, but it got me sober six years ago after having spent most of my 55 years drunk. I don’t attend meetings these days, but I try to live the principles of the program every day and, if I need a meeting, I know where to find one. Doesn’t work for everyone.
Living the life of an active alcoholic mother surely has to be one of the most painful methods of self harm any woman can engage in. Our only path to self love and forgiveness can be to grow into the very best person we can be - in mothering, grandparenting and as global, corporate and neighborhood citizens. There is hope for all of us - at least for those of us who’ve been lucky enough to survive thus far.
Live on in recovery beautiful mamas!
10
It is great there are so many 12 step programs that help people through the steps and the fellowship. Hopefully her kids were able to benefit from Al-Anon or Ala-teen, both fellowships for families of alcoholics/drug abusers.
As a mom, I notice that when I "right my own 'ship'" relationships change for the better. Congratulations to the author! Keep going!
5
I’m 44 years sober. It’s a miracle I’m alive to tell the tale. Alcoholism goes back generations in my family, so I can say I came by the disease rightly.
The kind people of AA saved my life. Back then, when you called AA, they sent two people to your residence and they took you to a meeting. After my first meeting, they insisted I go to a coffee shop with them and have a hot-fudge sundae. It was thought that sugar would help with cravings. Once I stopped, I didn’t have cravings and I never relapsed. Somehow, it had penetrated my brain that I would die if I continued to drink. In the program, that’s referred to as a spiritual awakening.
Sober is better. Showing up for life clear-headed and present is better. No hangovers is better. Living life according to an ethical and moral code is better. I love my life today. It doesn’t occur to me to take a drink. Why on earth would I do that? I’m what they call a grateful alcoholic.
12
Good work. Stay strong.
2
Good for you and your wonderful children!
My first drink was age 11. By 16 I was an expert.
Never a DUI, never an arrest, never kicked out of any bar. Not a fighter, I smooth people out.
I became a regular at a few bars. I often closed them and stayed till dawn. Chicago.
Maybe wasted years, but I was a very reliable employee. No bar would hire their best customer. Lucky!
I quit on my own 10 years ago. I knew by then it would kill me.
Glad I made it it to retirement. 2 wives did not succeed, they died of booze and meds.
I am an extroverted introvert and now enjoy being alone.
Peace.
ps I look forward to a legal puff of pot January 1, 2020. I quit that 40 years ago.
6
I come from a long line of alcoholics. Some high functioning & successful, others self-destructive and miserable. It’s not just alcohol but drugs as well. I saw my grandfather drink, my father, my uncles, my brothers, several nephews, and one niece destroy their lives. Only two have sobered. Others killed them selves on highways or streets, or died from alcohol related diseases. Thank goodness they never caused the death of others.
My family has never recognized the strong genetic link or acknowledged the weakness we inherited. I have had serious talks with my son and daughter to point out this pattern and warn of the risks of falling into the trap. They hated hearing the truth about the family. But now my son avoids alcohol and my daughter can enjoy a glass of fine wine with her husband. Their adult children don’t drink.
Maybe my brutal honesty saved one family of this fate.
12
@Family Ties I am quite certain your honesty saved your children. Unfortunately, families often fail to talk about the disease. Treating it like a family secret. Children need information early on. You did good.
5
AA saved my life. Keep trying if you don't get it at first. It works if you work it! In early sobriety it is very important to remember that if you just don't drink, your life will get better. It gets easier a day at a time.
6
You are awesome...be proud and enjoy your amazing accomplishment.
4
I have a few friends who quit drinking and attend AA meetings. They've become sanctimonious and self-absorbed and preachy and, frankly, difficult to be around.
9
@Bill - People in recovery frequently find they need to change their social circle and avoiding judgmental friends might be a necessary sacrifice for their greater health.
3
I know that alcoholism and drug addiction are diseases but I can’t abide, have no sympathy whatsoever for alcoholics or addicts. I enjoy a drink myself but am ever watchful that addiction is a progressive disease. I would agree that certain life events could trigger it,
My father was a physically abusive drunk, many nights coming home from the bar, beating my mother while little children screamed around her. Once, I took a frying pan to him to get him off her.
I married a handsome, charming man who, once we were married, became a jealous, drunken,
abusive (mentally and physically) husband (stitches, broken bones)
( I am now happily divorced and remarried)
Both my father and ex husband spent lots of money in bars that should have gone towards their families.
My younger sister, a PHD, died at 55 of cirrhosis of the liver.
My daughter is a recovering drug addict (heroin and fentanyl). At this point, I hardly believe a word she tells me.
8
@MT I am so sorry you have been hurt like this. Please don't hate on people who are fighting a battle. They hate themselves enough for both of you, trust me. My father was a drunk, my brother a heroin addict and my husband is a recovering alcoholic and addict. My ex husband never learned to love himself enough to quit and died. Please know that they need understanding and love, not anger and disdain. I know it is hard when you have been through so much, believe me, but it is possible to be there for them and love them enough. It is often all they have.
14
@J Bagley
Thank you for the thoughtful reply.
I don’t hate the people: what I do hate is the misery and sometimes the terror they inflicted on their family, the loss of potential on their part, years lost to booze, the utter sadness of it all.
All we ever wanted was to love each other but it was like “pearls before swine” as far as the afflicted were concerned. My mother was often the verge of a nervous breakdown, trying to manage.
There are many heartfelt comments on this article.
Some people seem to sink into alcoholism quietly without fanfare: others become raving lunatics when drunk, causing their loved ones serious physical harm, spending money that should have gone to food and bills.
6
Sorry that happened to you and I’m only saying this out of concern after seeing the anger in your comment, but you should really consider some counseling. You’re a victim, very angry. Anger can be an addiction to when you forget how not to be angry. I hope you can find a way to channel that energy in a positive, empathetic and compassionate way. That’s difficult but you can find it.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
-Buddha
3
To anyone dealing with any aspect of addiction regardless of substance my heart goes out to you, it is a long slog - to all who face this disease truly hope you get to the finish line
6
This article was about a woman who was an alcoholic but became sober through willpower and a life altering event was my favorite article to read this week. After preveious failed attempts at trying to stop drinking, Heather eventually went to AA meetings and she truly wanted to break free from the grasp of drinking. She eventually did vanquish drinking. These kinds of stories remind me that people can overcome hard challenges in their lives even when it does not seem like the challenges are conquerable. I enjoyed reading Heather's story because she had been through so much in her life and even though she drove drunk and got into a car accident one time, she decided to try and give up alcohol and she succeeded. Heather is very strong and I'm glad I got to read her powerful story about overcoming drinking.
7
So happy for you Heather. I too am a mom who got sober in AA. I've been sober for 25 years and still attend meetings. It's changed my life. Actually it gave me a life. Also friends and purpose. I have much more fun now than I ever did drinking. For some of us one drink is too many and a thousand is not enough.
15
I spent my 20's, 30's, and half of my 40's as a "high functioning alcoholic." Trying to balance out alcohol and the functional part. I tried to quit drinking dozens of times only to go back to it. My life was slowly being taken over by alcohol.
I became a member of AA in September of 2018, and have recently celebrated 10 months of sobriety. If you are curious about stopping alcohol, or living alcohol free, then check out a meeting in your area. AA will not teach you how to live your life managing your alcohol intake, but it will teach you how to live a sober, meaningful, happy life.
15
What's up with the dads?
6
It's good to read a straightforward account of the course of alcoholism in the New York Times. Anyone concerned about drinking should seek help for it.
14
Good mom!
5
Mixed feelings about this one. I’m delighted you found a way out of the death spiral you were on Heather, but what about the 11th Tradition: “Our public relations policy is based upon attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.” Lots of folks have managed to share their stories without violating its terms.
Hope your recovery lasts forever.
14
My thoughts exactly. There is a reason for the word “anonymous.” No one should put his/her name and picture on the AA message at the level of press and other media. I don’t see bravery and courage here; I see self-seeking which has not slipped away. Did Heather run this by her sponsor before submitting to the NYT?
13
@EJL, I hear you and JCP, but if this message helps others, is that not a service? And why badger this woman for a simple article when Augusten Burroughs has made a fortune and a career writing about his own experiences with AA?
15
@Barton
That was the reason for my mixed feelings, Barton. The story would not be as impactful without credit to the program. And I hope it leads others to the road to recovery that has benefited so many.
8
Thank you for sharing your story and being so honest. I know you have helped someone else today who is struggling like you struggled.
7
My only living family member, a sister, died of alcoholism. She moved from city to city, hiding her alcoholism from me. About 15 years ago she was committed - the booze had destroyed her brain. Alcoholism killed her and made me a very lonely. I needed her. There is nothing good about booze. I miss the person she could have been but never was.
14
A large 2018 global study, in The Lancet, confirmed prior research data, which showed that...
"there is no safe level of alcohol consumption."
https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(18)31571-X/fulltext
https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(18)31310-2/fulltext
What part of this simple sentence that people don't understand?
Indulging in alcohol is self-harm.
Such addictive substances have multi-tier harmful effects.
Harm to self, harm to family, harm to friends... and harm to society at large.
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-11660210
Scroll down and look at the graph, even if you don't want to read the entire thing.
No one pours alcohol down someone's throat. Taking responsibility for your self is the first step. And in our mostly alcohol-pushing society, we need to take a sober-eyed view of where is all of this leading.
14
@Ash.
Gosh, no one who drinks alcohol knows it is unhealthy!
Seriously, though, badgering and guilting people is not effective. Substance abuse is a response (not a good one, but often the only one) to trauma and mental illness. The answer is compassion and treatment, not finger-wagging.
5
Not one person ever held a gun to my head and said drink alcohol. If I make the decision to do so it is my decision.
I'm no fan of taking something like this and twist it into some sort of outer body excuse or my brain made me do it.
Also to drink while pregnant is sick and demented.
5
NO amount of alcohol has ever been documented in the scientific literature as safe during pregnancy. Don't drink while pregnant or if it is possible to become pregnant.
18
Almost destroying my life and everything in it, I entered a re-hab and with great difficulty got sober in AA. That was 32 years ago. I still go to meetings. I have a life I never expected when I put the plug in the jug. My wife and I are gonna celebrate 59 years of marriage, which would not have happened if I continued to drink.
It is the best thing I have ever done for me and by extension my family.
28
@jfr Congratulations on you staying sober and Happy Wedding Anniversary to you and your wife!
My father was an alcoholic and it broke up our family.
You have my respect!
7
Heather,
This piece was so very moving. You are such an inspiration!
13
Good job. From heartache to happiness. The AA journey. Your light shines.
10
Sober Mom here! Almost 10 years in the AA program. Thank you for your story/our story.
18
I'm conflicted as to how much sympathy I really ought to allocate for what is essentially a self-induced problem. Alcoholism is actively promoted by American popular culture - especially by music and film. You are considered "uncool" if you don't drink. Especially in college circles, alcohol and drug abuse is considered a rite of passage. Many people who are peer pressured into these activities will later peer pressure others themselves and continue the cycle. Until people stop ostracizing others for not drinking, the epidemic of alcoholism will never end.
16
@Sarah Johnson
These addictions are an attempt to assuage the pains of 'mental illness'. I do not think that mental illness is a self-induced problem. Make of any syllogism what one might...
6
@Sarah Johnson
There are a lot of movements out there that address just how addictive alcohol is and most are finding they are not ostracized when they stop. That is a myth & there are many poised to stop but need venues other than AA. Tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking , Holly Whitaker of Tempest & Annie Grace are 3 fantastic examples. Understanding the brain's response to the siren's song makes it easier to let it go and embrace something much more enriching.
7
Booze ruins lives, many lives, in myriad ways. It is a blight on our society, causing irreparable destruction. I know.
15
There’s also a middle path that works for many, but not all: Naltrexone.
Please visit: sinclairmethod.org
If you’re reading this article because you’re struggling with alcohol, please look into the Sinclair Method. 12 steps don’t work for everyone.
10
I ran large homeless shelters and senior centers in the 80’s and 90’s .
Drugs, alcohol, mental illness, generations of poverty, I saw it all.
But never as much as I am seeing and reading about now.
This country is losing itself.
19
But never as much as I am seeing and reading about them now.
6
I hope that she is aware that the people she was last drinking with want to do away with any and all of the programs that have been helping her keep herself sober.
13
“They” can’t stop AA. AA groups are self-supporting for this very reason.
1
My father was an alcoholic. As far as I know, he never really got sober other than when he was in the hospital the last time.
His alcoholism and its effects on his mood and temperament drove a wedge between us that never had a chance to heal.
Stay sober for your sake and for the sake of your kids.
19
Congratulations on your sobriety.
But think.
If you are 2 years and 10 months sober and your daughter is 10, that means she was already almost
7, at the youngest, when you quit. I'm sure she remembers more than "bits and pieces" of your drinking.
Like many others who have commented, my mother was an alcoholic, and a single parent. She stopped drinking in her 60's, thank god, but never embraced AA. Her version of her alcoholism was that it commenced when my sister and I, her youngest kids, went to college. My earliest memory of it dates back to when I was around 5, and heard her tell the cop who had pulled her over that "you'd drink too if you had these kids."
This isn't meant to guilt trip you, but your little girl is probably not brainless. Be kind to yourself and to both of your children, and stay sober.
16
Magnificent!
3
good luck, young lady
7
From cities all over the Ancient Greek world, the great and the good would make the long journey to the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, to enter through the narrow opening in the rock face to consult the Oracle within, she breathing deeply into her lungs the fumes from the chasm below her.
It was never necessary to consult the Oracle in person, to pay her fee, to be given her cryptic advice.
For inscribed in the very rock face, outside, to the left, visible just before one entered the sanctum, was the distilled wisdom of the ancient world.
Know thyself.
Nothing in excess.
Never make a pledge you cannot keep.
13
Alcoholism is a disease. The people who have it cannot drink in a controlled manner. It is actually life or death for people with it. They must find a way to live without it or they will die, possibly taking others with them. For those with the courage to try to live without, I honor you.
14
@RAH You are so right when you say that they must find a way to live without it or they will die. That is just what I convinced myself some 25 years ago when I gave up a "case of beer a day" habit. The worst drink for an alcoholic is the first. But, we don't need to be honored. We were sick and now we are better.
7
@RAH
The disease model is giving way to the addicted brain model. Understand that and there's a whole new set of tools. There are many out there addicted to alcohol not on a life or death road but a slow erosion of their quality of life & well-being. As with AA many are finding out moderation isn't possible or even preferable. Abstinence becomes enjoyable.
8
Great story, one question:if you left active duty in 2007, what's with the deployment to Qatar in 2008? And your politics are your choice like not drinking, crediting the military with teaching you strength (that resiliency sounds like it had some roots in your upbringing & getting you through college) and goals. That refocus w/o alcohol is hard but you lived through the wreck, the big ! that caught your attention. Go girl and luv those kids!
5
Congratulations. Your life is forever changed if you stick with it. Very happy for you.
6
Here's my dilemma, maybe someone can respond: Heather, your story could have been written by a close family member. She has so much going for her and yet but drinking is a real problem in her life, disrupting relationships of all kinds, work and more. But still she doesn't want to quit drinking. I think she cannot imagine creating a life without alcohol - the story you share so eloquently in this story (thank you!). I want so badly to share your story with her but won't because it feels like nagging or preaching. How can family members help? I know ultimately, the decision is hers alone. Many of us love her so much and try our best to be loving and supportive. But the damage done by alcohol has been significant - among her now 20-something year old kids, her sisters and family, her marriage(s), and most importantly, herself. My deepest hope for her is that she know she is worthy of being loved for who she is.
12
@Betsy check out AlAnon.
The pain that people like Heather cause is very real. It creates a situation that is incomprehensible to someone not involved in a similar situation. AlAnon is an organization for people like you (and me). It will not provide you an immediate answer, nut after a year, you will have a better understanding.
12
@Betsy find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. There is a saying in Al-Anon known as the three Cs: Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. You need to take care of yourself and detach. Sounds (and is) difficult but it is really the best thing for your family member... good luck.
7
Go to Al-Anon. That’s the best thing you can do for yourself and the alcoholic if your loved one has a problem.
2
Thank you for sharing such an honest journey. Best with your daughter and son. You are a brave woman.
6
After drinking for 25 years I came to the end of the road and knew deep down that if I drank again I would die. I wanted to live. So I found myself hopelessly sober and scared that I would drink again, I had been to AA many times in the past so I knew that was a safe place for me to frequent. They helped a lot to bring me back to life.
After all those years of drinking you're so emotionally frozen it takes time to find some balance but you can only reach your destination taking one step at a time. And that's how it works; putting one foot in front of the other and taking one step at a time. After 20 years sober I can say there is definitely recovery from alcoholism. Thank you for telling your story!
12
AA saved my life and the lives of many wonderful people despite it being the last place I wanted to go. But my numerous attempts to try to drink like a normal person ended in disaster and when I quit altogether I couldn’t stay quit. I lived a double life. I first became acquainted with AA when I was 19 but I wasn’t willing to really give it a chance until finally my husband insisted. By then I was a newly graduated lawyer finishing at the top of my class with a high paying job at a big law firm. I’also had 2 DWIs, many car accidents, blackouts in which I woke up in a hospital, a cell block, an unfamiliar home, or in an unfamiliar city, town or state. It is a disease. My brother died of it when he was 31. My grandfather died of it in his forties. Because of AA I have grandchildren and I am alive.
27
Heather,
Thanks for sharing. AA saved my life 35 years ago. It took me about four years of "slipping" after my first meeting to finally recognize that my wise-guy 23 year-old self didn't have all the answers. When I finally received the willingness to listen to what I was hearing from the apparently sane, happy, and sober people in AA, I was able to get on the path to long-term sobriety, one day at a time. Before I got sober, I was told that I probably wouldn't live to be 30 if I kept drinking. Well, with any luck I'll turn 60 next year, and I still consider every day to be a gift that I have only because I'm sober. Good luck, and remember that it works if you work it!
13
Sober 40 years. Near death experience drove me to detox then at their recommendation ai went to a Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was welcomed there and pointed to another Meeting the next night and the same thing happened there. On and on for a full week. Now, I go to three Meetings a week and love the life I find there. This mutual support and help from another alcoholic is the basic idea behind "the fellowship". Sure there are parties and good times and the famous coffee after the Meeting but the soul and heart of the Fellowship is in the network of sponsorship and sober friendship that wind around Meetings in a web of safety from the disease.
17
What an amazing story, thank you for sharing something so personal.
Perhaps someone who is suffering will read this and inspire them to seek treatment.
Best of luck to you and your family and continued success.
8
Very hopeful story. My brother died of alcoholism at age 44. Heartbreaking. I have been a member of Alanon for 5 years and it has helped tremendously especially in dealing with other family members who struggle with drinking. The denial is so great for functioning alcoholics it is a tragedy to see. I have several close friends who have been recovered in AA for 30+ years. AA and the 12 steps have been a blessing to so many. Thank you Bill W and Doctor Bob, co-founders of AA.
13
20 years here. There are still good days and bad days. The bad days are still bad but I now get through them with a clear head singleness of purpose. The good days just keep getting better. I had my slips at first - now it is a way of life. I would not change it for the world.
19
Heart-felt story, beautifully written with courage and insight.
9
Good for you! So happy for your family--this is such an encouraging story.
8
The wonderful thing about AA is the fellowship (what a quaint word) it provides. My friends who have attended AA or ALANON groups have always been grateful for the human contact and support.
Churches in the old days used to provide similar fellowship --IMO perhaps their most important function altho not all will agree -- for others it's the breathes/beliefs/rituals that for the moment let one escape his problems.
I have often thought that it would be good to divide citizens up into self-help groups... that many problems could be solved by human contact, aka commitment to each other.
8
Interesting topic. I have a sibling who recently lost his drivers license due to drunk driving.
A very very costly problem: legal fees, car impound, breath equipment installation for the car, insurance through the roof.
And a legal record that will prevent travel outside the country and impact job hiring for life.
These specific, personal consequences should be printed on every bottle of liquor.
Fortunately no one was killed in an accident, he was simply pulled over and charged.
12
Another tragic story destined to end in death. Alcohol addiction is a psychiatric illness that this poor woman has been abandoned to fight with “willpower” which has no basis in psychology. “Alcoholic” is not a medical term. “Meetings” are ineffective in business, so how would they help with psychiatric disease? Answer? They can’t. This poor woman needs medical care that includes prescribed naltrexone for 24 months following alcohol cessation. We give ex-smokers medicine to control nicotine cravings, but deem the alcohol-dependent as morally unfit for medical care - with disastrous results. Alcohol kills 88000 Americans every year. Less than one percent have access to medical care for their medical illness. They pray for “recovery” in “rehabs” which are not hospitals. Faith-based treatment for cancer has tragic results. Faith-based treatment for alcohol actually has worse results. Ask the Surgeon General (who Trump fired). He noted that addiction is more common than cancer. We put money into cancer research, treatment and support for cancer sufferers. Folk who suffer from alcohol addiction are abandoned, denigrated and left to maunder in musty old church basements. A Dickensian punishment for people who could be helped by competent medical care. Tragic. And almost wholly avoidable.
45
@Dr Brian Reid
I agree with your assessment of alcohol as a disease that is in need of more research and funding, however I am far from maundering in old musty church basements. I commune with a my family of alcoholics. WE help each other stay sober one day at a time. We are grateful for each other and for our higher power who guides our way to a useful and wonderful life beyond our wildest dreams.
42
@Dr Brian Reid Thank you. Far too many people sell AA as the only way to sobriety. It works well and is helpful but it shouldn't be the only avenue of treatment. Someone I care about used natrexone to finally kick booze. Yes, a group was helpful, therapy even more so but neither was his answer. Too many people don't know about medications to get over the physical cravings. You can't address the underlying mental health problems that lead you to drink when all you can think about is wanting a drink.
22
@Dr Brian Reid One of my favorite things about AA is that it does not insist that it is the only way to cope with an alcohol dependency; one of my least favorite things is that many members do so insist. AA saved my life and continues to help me live a sober life. I agree with your assessment that there should be more medical research and treatment available. I am not sure what is gained by attacking a free, community-based source of support.
40
Dr. Reid from Canada,
Wow. Downer much? I sure as heck hope this is not advice you have handed out to anyone with a drinking problem. I am a very proud recovering alcoholic, with 27 years of sobriety. I devoted my career to helping those with addiction issues, and I always went back to basic AA to help the women I worked with. Yes, we met in church halls, some musty, some dusty, some really beautiful but each meeting gave me strength, hope and experience. At each meeting a carved, or hand-lettered sign greeted me, saying, you are not alone.
Truly a gift.
Dogmom3 in Cat
32
I too got sober in AA. I was an anxious, awkward girl and a bookworm, I won some short story contests and after reading Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Dorothy Parker, and the other Great Drunken Writers, I decided that was for me! Alcohol, I felt, released the "real" me: witty, irreverent, reckless --- a fantasy self I had cobbled together from the books I read. I met my husband who liked to drink too, and we drank him through law school and into an "idyllic" professional, drunken marriage.
I white-knuckled my way throught nine months of sobriety when I was pregnant, but went back on the bottle after our daughter was born. After my father's death, I totally lost control of my drinking and my distraught husband left me and took our daughter. My friends and family couldn't believe what I had become.
Two stints in rehab got me technically sober, but nobody had much hope I would stay that way.
I went to my first AA meeting and the first people I saw in the room were my editor and my boss!
The fellowship and program of AA gave me what I needed to stay sober. I am an atheist but I didn't put too fine a point on it. I went along with their higher power philosophy as best I could.
I had a couple of slips, but quickly got back on the program. My lovely adult daughter can't remember ever seeing me drunk! I've had my stories published and finally got my first novel accepted for publication next year. The booze stole years, but getting sober saved my life. I feel very lucky today.
629
@Trista
What's your book?
10
@Trista
Congrats, Just stay the course and may all good things come to you.
12
@john did it ever occur to you that "Trista" is a pseudonym?
11
My daughter just finished a month at a recovery house and is now in out-patient treatment combined with AA meetings. She also has cancer and together the two have almost destroyed her health. It’s been a journey that nightmares are made of. I know it’s one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, one meeting to the next. I find encouragement in your story and through many of the commenters here. It gives me hope.
287
@DAG My heart goes out to you and your daughter. In AA, she will meet many people who have fought alcoholism and cancer, alcoholism and death of a loved one, alcoholism and "fill-in-the-blank." The strength we receive from our heart connection with others on similar paths is indescribable. I wish for her, what I have received...unconditional love and support. With help, we learn to live each day of our lives with true compassion for others, kindness in our hearts and inexpressible gratitude for a daily reprieve from alcoholic insanity.
37
As the daughter of a single, “high functioning“ alcoholic, I have been on the other side of this disaster. I know addiction can be difficult to overcome, but it disgusts me when a person is a parent and does not behave like a responsible adult. As a child, there was no escaping it. As a teen, how I would’ve loved to have come home in the evening to someone who was not irrational, blithering, and depressed. People will say she was self medicating but she chose the bottle over me.
371
@They did choose the bottle and that is a regret they will always carry if they are still alive. I still struggle with forgiveness but it’s the only way to to be free and move forward. Addiction is a very hard thing to overcome. I battle it everyday. The “disgust” should be saved for a society that doesn’t forgive.
52
@C
Please try al-anon. It's for children/ spouses / friends of alcoholics. It was a huge help when I needed it.
81
@Marian and @C
I echo Marian. I attended Al-Anon for almost a year. I was very reluctant, & unhappy, for easily the first 6 months of it. The program just didn't seem to be "working", although at that time I probably thought SUCCESS would consist of my ex coming around to my way of thinking. I also had some “spiritual” issues with one of the lead women.
But one day, another woman was talking to our group and made this comment -- “You’ve probably heard that an alcoholic won’t stop until he hits bottom. I don’t know if that’s true, but I do know one thing: YOU may hit your bottom before HE hits his.”
What a Eureka moment! I suddenly realized I was still trying to exert control in the marriage (unsuccessfully of course), and the stress between us was affecting not only my psychological, but also my physical health. I was so wrapped up in *his* problems that I was neglecting my children.
It was definitely a time to “let go and let God”, which I finally was able to do. The weight was finally lifted, and over the final several months of my Al-Anon attendance, I made the decision on what I needed to do. I also realized I needed to FORGIVE: both him and myself. He hadn’t really chosen that life, it was an illness.
71
Wonderful story. I recently became a member of AA. After 45 years of drinking, ER trips and finally a week in a detox facility I have been sober for almost 4 months. That's the longest I've gone without a drink in decades.
AA has really worked for me. The fellowship, compassion and tools are all there to help one stay sober. It has become a lifestyle choice for me.
I'm now able to have clarity, focu and work on my defects of character.
My sprituality has grown as well. I'm now able to do some service work, chair my daily meeting and generally be a better, more well adjusted senior citizen at 63 years old, LOL!
AA works, it really does. Get help before it's too late.
594
@jack Good luck, Jack, it works if you work it.
29
@jack. Congratulations Jack. One day at a time and keep coming back!!!!!
28
@jack. 42 days here! I can feel the difference.
249
It is hard to believe that any doctor ever told anyone that red wine is good for a fetus.
14
The author says her doctor told her that wine was good for her fetus' heart and her circulation.
Any doctor who in at least the 30 years would tell a pregnant woman and especially one who was an alcoholic such nonsense shouldn't be practicing.
Once again The Times publishes something that I assume it stands behind but then weasels out by refusing to provide the name of an obviously incompetent doctor.
Maybe it was the same doctor Rodney Dangerfield used to joke about that when he called him telling him he was suicidal, told him to have a drink, take a few sleeping pills, and lie down and get some sleep.
I don't know about the editors at The Times but it sure frightens me that such an idiot may be still out there practicing medicine.
11
@Steve. yes, ms. king's accusation against the doctor doesn't stand on its own given her alcoholism & needs to be verified
2
@Steve
For a while there wine or a beer was considered OK for a pregnant woman in countries other than the US. Historically, for centuries unboiled water was not safe to drink. Sadly, some women drink way too much not knowing they have conceived....
This was a fascinating essay about how one person justified her behavior -- everyone does it....
Given the deaths by alcohol amongst young people showing off (frat initiations) or other bad behavior instead of saying drink responsibly -- practice responsible drinking-- and get rid of Hoda's AM glass of vino.. now that Kathy Lee is gone.
7
@Auntie Mame. wow, great insight, you are at the heart of the matter regards the author justifying her behavior
1
Perhaps the author might read Tradition Eleven, regarding personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.
7
I quit drinking just over 3 months ago. I, too, lived for alcohol. I loved the taste, I loved the high. But now I love me a bit more. I was on a hamster wheel of drinking. I didn't know how to stop. I once told my sister, in an alcoholic fugue, that alcohol was my husband. In April this year I got really, really sick and I thought, great now you've finally poisoned yourself with it. Luckily I hadn't but the experience was enough to push me to stop after over 40 years of drinking EVERY DAY, even when I was sick or working. Imagine!!!!! I look better, I feel good, I don't miss alcohol. Quitting drinking is truly a life changing experience and my wonderful family LIKE me better. Ultimately, I like myself better.
294
I've been 22 years sober. My life improved no end once I stopped. Finished my Phd, paid off my house, still in love and with my glorious wife and I got my mana back (a Maori word for spiritual capital). Thanks for sharing your story which sounds very familiar to this ex-booze hound fellow traveller. Well done and much love from the bottom of the South Pacific@Any dots
28
@Any dots It's amazing isn't it? Like smoking, you don't realize how bad you felt until you stop. I too lived for alcohol, wine in my case, and now I live for this great new feeling.
14
@Any dots
Amazing story! thanks for sharing!
Keep it up!
7
Alcoholics Anonymous has saved millions of lives since its beginning in the 1930s - mine, for instance. Nothing else worked for me. I've been sober for eight and a half years.
I wish I didn't feel the need to add this note of caution for people: It's important to go into AA with your eyes wide open and to be able to establish healthy boundaries between yourself and other members, some of whom may be as toxic as alcohol itself. I had a fairly easy time setting those boundaries because I am an older, experienced, educated male. Very young people, especially females, may be much more vulnerable to the small number of AA members who have agendas that go beyond sobriety.
18
@Steve
Your note of caution can't be stressed enough. There are definitely AA members who are there to prey on the vulnerable. I agree that young women are especially at risk, but anyone who's in the first stages of recovery is in danger. Listen to your gut and trust it. If it doesn't feel right-- it probably isn't!
5
@Steve
In my brief stint in AA - I hated it and left post-haste to get sober on my own, which I did successfully over 30 years ago - I saw men preying on girls and women all the time. Vulnerable, sad teenagers and young women, looking for help and getting the opposite.
I had men hitting on me, old guys telling me that if I didn't find Jesus I would die, people arguing with me when I said I didn't believe in the big man in the sky version of god, people telling me that I needed to go to meetings twice a day, people telling me all sorts of absolute nonsense. I felt no camaraderie. What I experienced was a lot of old men pushing me around and telling me what to do.
No thanks. My version of sobriety is wonderful. I just don't drink. I don't want it. I don't think about it. I don't go to meetings every night and go on about it, obsessing about it like it's a scab that needs picking. It stopped being a part of my life when I decided that I was the one in charge.
2
Best wishes for continued recovery! You're awesome!
6
Dear Heather,
Thank you for your powerful story. You remind me why it is so important to keep away from a drink, just for today. Happy to say I'm a sober mom, too.
9
I would guess that alcohol is responsible for more despair, deaths, ruined lives, than anything outside poverty. I find it amazing that we tolerate alcohol abuse - such as in DUIs. Look to Sweden as to how they deal with alcohol usage - we would be better off - but for some reason, there is no appetite for stricter alcohol laws here. As an aside, I believe that the legalization of cannabis will provide a much safer alternative to alcohol and this will decrease alcohol use.
8
@David M There are many toxic effects to human lungs (and other body parts) from a combustible product. In that, cannabis use shares the tobacco cigarette-type health problems. In addition, the state of being high mixed with driving, increases the user's risk of catastrophic results. Cannabis does not "provide a much safer alternative".
6
@P Green. I'm pretty sure cannabis is much safer than alcohol and that it can be used safely.
1. I’ve always wondered about folks struggling with alcoholism when I’ve had to make up excuses to not drink on account of being pregnant or trying to get pregnant. It’s tough in our society to socialize, even in professional circles, without happy hours or drinking. It can’t be easy to want to stop if you’re a young person who is outgoing. You don’t want to feel different and you don’t want the stigma. In my 34 years, I’ve never met someone who has mentioned that they would like club soda because they are alcoholics. In contrast, being pregnant is much easier excuse.
2. I am saddened that the NYTimes readers are so partisan that they are focused on Ms King’s political affiliation as opposed the very raw, human aspects of this story. I doubt it matters that she is (or was) a republican. Please, let’s try to look beyond. I am getting tired of looking at everything as a partisan matter.
11
Dear Ms. King,
I grew up in a home initially headed by two alcoholic parents. I say initially because my mother died of cirrhosis when I was fifteen snd she was forty-eight. She hadn't been a mother for many years, just a constant source of shame and embarrassment and rage, so her death was a blessing. My father soldiered on, through binges and smashing the house to pieces, for a few more years; long enough that I was able to make peace with him, albeit a very rudimentary one.
Now I sixty-two, a lifelong teetotaler, I've come to an understanding: they had a disease. They hadn't intended to be horrible parents, they were just sick. In brief spells of sobriety, my father tried his best. He was never stingy with his time or support, which eventually made me understand that he loved me.
I've long since forgiven them. I wish I had known my mother as a healthy person. And I guess I can say the same about my father, too. But I knew them. And I know they tried. That was enough.
Ms. King, compared to my parents, you are a saint. You are healing. Your relationships are healing. I am enormously happy for you and your children. Bless you!
25
@hammond
Thank you so much for sharing your personal comments. I find that the comments I find most impactful are those about a personal experience with the subject in question. Thanks, again!
9
@hammond, I also thank you for sharing. I've followed your comments for a while now, starting when I learned you're a physicist. Your observation that grad student success correlated not with grades, but the *variance* in grades, is something that has stuck with me.
Unfortunately, I was one of those physics grad students who did not transition well from classes to research, and whose career (since graduating seven years ago) has been dead on arrival. I believe my father, who had been so supportive of me while in grad school, sensed the despair I faced after graduating, and that is what drove him to drink so aggressively (he died in May).
I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing all this, other than to tell you that I appreciate your comments and I hope you continue to share.
2
@noke: I'm so sorry to hear about your father. And though I know neither him nor you, I feel quite certain that your life and experiences did not drive him to drink. Addiction is a disease, it would be similar to claiming that your career in physics gave him cancer. This is not on you.
I admire her journey but am dismayed at her admiration for teh enabler of torture Alberto Gonzalez, I wonder if she has recovered from that as well. In my experience it seems military types are routinely attracted to authoritarian regimes no matter how they are treated by them.
4
Wow. What a great account of personal honesty. Thank you for this wonderful example of what we can do.
5
it's very rare these days to find a pro-AA essay in the media. I believe it is true that AA can help people who have run out of ways to keep drinking "normally", and it's true that the people in AA are mostly a welcoming, non-judgemental bunch, so don't think too far ahead about wether you'll be able to "keep coming back". What matters is today, and today meetings work for you. And they will keep reminding you of your last drunk, and how you almost lost your life to alcoholism. And how you have experienced a life changing event that allows you to enjoy the best things in life with a clear mind and an open heart. For some of us drinking "socially & like normal people" is just not an option, never forget that truth, your new life could be gone in an instant otherwise. Congratulations, and thank you!
10
Like anyone who drank regularly, I developed a dependence on alcohol. As I have learned recently through books like Alcohol Explained and This Naked Mind, alcohol is a drug and one of the most addictive drugs out there. Alcohol dependence is not simply genetic, as I thought for years (absolving myself for over-drinking) but is based upon repeated exposure to alcohol.
After doing Dry January then continuing on for 100 days, I realized how good I felt without alcohol. Then I started reading about alcohol: it's poison (ethanol), it is highly addictive, it changes your brain chemistry, it disrupts your sleep patterns, it contributes mightily to weight gain, it harms your relationships. Nevertheless, all the liminal messaging in our society says that alcohol is fun, makes you more social, etc. I have to continually fight that messaging. It can be hard, but it's more than worth it.
15
I thank God every day that my father, Hank, found AA 50 years ago and found his way to sobriety. He helped countless others as the head of an alcohol and substance abuse unit at General Motors. Keep going, Heather. Sobriety is the greatest gift you will ever give your children.
10
I'm asking this even though I believe I know what the answer will be.
My brother has been an alcoholic his entire life. I don't think I have ever seen him without a drink in his hand. For years he partied and woke up and got through the day and even got married and ran successful business.
Then in his 40s things took a turn. He started drinking all through the night and not going in to work in the morning. His business went broke. he became aggressive, not funny when he drank. He fell down the stairs drunk and broke his leg, for which he was given morphine, which I believe he still takes 3 years later. Lastly he pushed myself and our other brother out of his life, cut us off completely, because we tried to say something to him about the drinking..
His wife took his side and it appears they just drink all day. My brother has become diabetic and sustained consecutive kidney and liver injures.
I feel like I'm just waiting for "that" full phone call to tell me he has died. It's awful.
I know I can't make him get help. That's why he's turned his back on me but I was wondering - was there anything specific anybody ever said to any of you that made a difference? I
9
@Jessica T
Thank you for sharing your story. We are powerless to change someone, but some families have found large scale "confrontational interventions" helpful, if nothing else, to help the family members know that they have done everything possible to help this individual/couple. Do your research on this type of an intervention. You may benefit from a few counseling sessions with an expert in alcoholism to help you come to terms and be at peace with this awful situation. I had a recent issue with a relative of mine that was driving me crazy. With help I was able to put this situation in perspective and finally came to a place of peace.
10
@Jessica T
This could be my brother, a retired cop in his early 60s. I wait every day for a phone call he has died from one of his various illnesses.
I love him but I can't change him. He won't listen to me - he never has.
My recommendation is to disentangle from your brother. He's making a choice.
What I can do is be available - for the rest of my life - to my brother's wonderful daughter. I will always do anything in my power to love her and help her.
Find peace for yourself.
2
Thank you for your story, your honesty, your courage, keep up the great sobriety.
2
It's great that the author found AA and became sober.
It's interesting to note, however, that AA is no more successful than many other treatments for alcohol, and its drawback is a reliance upon a god to "take care of things", when in my experience most drinkers and drug abusers need to learn to quit making excuses and start taking responsibility for their lives before they can get sober.
5
@LauraF AA's twelve step program has the same high success rate it did in the 1940's (75% or more-- see Foreword to the Second Edition, Alcoholics Anonymous) when the alcoholic works it to the best of her ability. A big problem however is that in many meetings the newcomers are told "just don't drink and come to meetings", so they enjoy the fellowship but don't work the recovery program. They generally relapse.
Your verbiage denotes the usual misunderstanding of addiction-- "drinkers and drug abusers" are not necessarily alcoholics and drug addicts. The former can sometimes quit or moderate on their own resources. We all know problem drinkers or drug abusers that "straightened up" and quit using when the job, judge or spouse issued an ultimatum. Addiction is a progressive disease; telling an addict to "quit making excuses" is like telling a cancer patient to suck it up, buttercup.
AA prescribes no particular "god". Indeed it was co-founded by an agnostic Bill Wilson, who emphasized that each alcoholic should use their own concept of a power greater than themselves -- because if we don't stop playing God, we die.
5
@rich
Been there, got driven out by all the preaching and god talk, did it on my own -- 35 years ago. Haven't had a drink since. So don't make assumptions.
AA can make all the claims it wants about its success rate, but 75% is a gross exaggeration. Sorry, you'd have to give me some hard facts.
To the author and to everyone who has responded to this article, THANK YOU for providing multiple windows into your lives, both drinking & sober. I've a family member who's 12 yrs 10 sober, while my husband has a good friend who's still active, with the losses still piling up (marriage, job, licence, etc. You all know.) Peace & grace to you as you work your programs one day at a time.
8
It is often said that people cannot change. Your story proves that worng. Miracles can happen. You got you life and family back. As they say it works if you work it.
9
Thanks, Ms. King. You said it all: a desire to quit drinking, and go to meetings. I would add get a sponsor. One day at a time.
12
I don't know why people are so afraid to quit drinking....I did 22 years ago and would never, ever give up my peace of mind and conscious living....sure I have uncomfortable feelings but that's all they are.....feelings...ALL feelings.
9
This recount is more than just a "women in the military" article, it's an article for all women, from all walks of American life.
7
Love and live your sober life.
8
Many thanks for this. It's good to read pro-AA article again for once. So much media these days seems to want to denigrate AA, but experience shows it has been a path to a better life for millions. Maybe not for everyone, and like any treatment for a chronic disorder it doesn't work if you don't commit to and maintain the program. But when you consider that before AA there was really no hope for almost all alcoholics, we as a society should be tremendously grateful to AA.
15
congratulations ms king and thank you and nytimes for publishing this honest, detailed and uplifting story. your story sounds very much like mine. i KNEW alcohol was a problem. KNEW it. but thought i HAD to drink to live with anxiety attacks which had plagued me since college. my life was work, feed cats, drink. by 36 i was sick and tired of being sick and tired. successful in my job, 13 years with same fortune 500 company , with promotions and respect. but. i was living in a dark, hopeless world. thank god i walked , alone, into a church on rodeo drive in may, 1982. thank god i wanted what those laughing, gregarious people had. thank god i was willing. i am glad you made the decision for your own good, by doing so, you also changed the life of your son. best wishes to you and your children, family. keep trudging.
25
So far, I've put together 27 years and 24 days of sobriety one day at a time. Thing is, I count that time as valuable experience in how to live sober; as we say in AA, all we have is today, so anyone who got up earlier than me this morning has longer sobriety than I do ;) Sometimes — less so now than in early sobriety, but still ... occasionally, even though rarely — the best I can do for today is not drink, but even if that's my only accomplishment, it's the biggest and best there is. I wish you the very best ... one day at a time.
30
Working on 25 years sober, October 12th is my anniversary date. Life is different for sure. Takes a few years to really get used to it. My only bit of advice is to NEVER take it for granted.
Congrats and good luck.
49
Thank you for your moving story. we must all understand that
Alcohol abuse is almost never the cause of human decline, only a symptom of many other issues.
I am glad that Ms. King was able to sort out those issues, then alcohol abuse ends itself.
14
"I wanted to live more than I wanted to drink." This sums it up when we have hit our bottom. Good for you. Don't give up, and always remember your last drunk ... which you will if you attend meetings and give back to others. I know you can do it!
34
Congratulations. You’re story profoundly illustrates the enormous toll alcohol abuse has on families, particularly children. They have an absolute right to be angry and I am glad you all could reconcile before it was too late.
18
Sober 2 years 11 months here. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work
33
Good for you, Heather. I recently celebrated 45 years of sobriety. Both my parents died from alcoholism and we three daughters became alcoholics .... all found AA, thankfully. It's truly a lifesaver.
45
Heather, you are a shining example to your kids. Kudos to you for opening up to new possibilities and giving your kids the mom they deserve, the mom that was always there but held hostage by addiction. I'm sure they are so very proud of you. Stay the course and continue to reach others as you have with this essay. You are worth it and you deserve good things!
19
@Diane
Yes indeed - kudos to Heather and don't ever relapse!
7
AA saved my life. 36 years sober!
44
Congratulations on your sobriety. One day at a time. I have been sober since I woke up and with Gods help will remain so. Will be six years of stringing those days together in November. Best decision of my life. Bar none
25
I am alive, 28 years sober, and have just retired from a 40 year career in academia. AA, the whole nine yards, and a load of joy and clarity.
Heather, my sister, it really is worth it.
50
Thank you for sharing...it works if you work it, and you are! Keep coming back...it continues to get better. 32 yrs
17
Congratulations on your nearly three years sober. Took a lot of guts and fortitude to do this ... addictions of any kind are really hard to beat but you did it and are an inspiration to others.
12
As I can attest, there's no problem drinking can't make worse, and as the author demonstrates, nothing one can't accomplish once you remove it from your life. Many will benefit from this story.....Thanks for sharing!
25
AA saves lives. I’m glad the fellowship saved yours.
19
Congratulations, I also see you have university degrees. And that you have two wonderful children. You deserve a good life now.
16
You go, girl! It can't be easy but it is the right thing to do and I am cheering you on!
14
Hi Heather, Welcome. keep up the good work, Now I have to read my daily reflection. Good meetings all over the place, Nice to see one here. Thanks
12
Nice to see an article in the NYT addressing the deleterious effects of alcohol from a personal perspective instead of promoting some contrived new cocktail.
Although people talk about “addictive personalities” I see very, very few people that don’t have a troubled relationship with alcohol. From its ubiquity at every single social function, to the expectation that booze will be present, to a near central focus on it at things like weddings, America has a severe drinking problem.
At the end of the day, alcohol is a poison that tastes bad and makes you feel terrible, has crushing knock on effects on those around you, and finally kills you.
19
Congratulations on a new way of life. I hung on to alcohol until it really became clear I wanted to stop. I knew I needed to stop, but that was a big leap away from wanting to stop. I put my last beer down, the one I had been telling myself all day I wasn’t going to have, and haven’t had one since. A Saturday night early in September of 1979. Just watch out for one thing... the first two years are the easiest. Be proud of yourself for discerning that surrender works.
15
One of my best friends is an alcoholic. I love him but I know that if he had to choose between alcohol and me, he would pick alcohol. It's a terrible, terrible feeling. I can't imagine how much worse it is for a child. One of the most important things you have done is to show your children that they matter more than alcohol. I wish you nothing but success in your continued sobriety. Hang in there; it's worth it.
20
Whatever happened is past. Now that you are sober for the past two years or so matters most. Please remember your children are your pride. If something happens to you, who will take care of them ? So it’s always important to think about your children whenever you feel like having a drink. Please take care of your health and that of your children. May God provide your family best health and prosperity.
10
Congratulations on your recovery!
7
Congratulations, Heather. God speed for a happy and successful future.
9
Inspiration! You go girrrl! Keep on keep'n on!
9
Hang in there one day at a time. You are having a real life, now, and it is so much better than the earlier one.
Life will throw you curves and worse, because that's what life does to everybody but sober will help you take it in stride.
For folks like us, drinking does nothing but destroy.
Friend of Bill
17
Heather we've learned that this disease of alcoholism goes from Yale to jail: from Park Avenue to park benches sister. What I've learned in my years of sobriety that as long as I stay sober, that there's two days that I don't have to worry about, and that's yesterday and tomorrow. Hang in there and continue to be a credit to your family and friends as oppose to being a burden.
26
@peace on earth
Calling it a disease minimizes personal responsibility for drinking/drugging, as though it's something you can "catch" from germs. Nonsense. Most addicts know well in advance that they're headed for trouble and keep going anyway. Quitting is a choice. Not quitting is also a choice.
1
@LauraF
Do some research. Calling it a disease is not an attempt to absolve people from the responsibility of their choices. It is simply the medical community response to the proven fact that certain individuals brain chemistry react in a different fashion to drugs and alcohol.
4
@LauraF they teach us in recovery to resign from the debating society. Bottom line. I'm convinced that recovery is like our faces: we all do it different.
2
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope! 🌸
16
You go! Thank you for your service.
8
One day at a time, ask for help, and keep coming back.
10
She was already struggling to make it as a single mom with an addiction and then some MAN assaulted her and the Air Force was complicit. How many more!
14
A fitting column that goes with my own life. Nearly two months ago, I slipped on my floor in my house and broke a bone in my foot. The surgeon asked me, were you drunk?, and I replied that I honestly didn't know. After the operation, (I was lucky it was only a four inch break above the ankle) I went thru alcohol withdrawal syndrome for nearly a week causing my nurses nothing but grief. The day of my operation, June 5th, is the day I quit drinking, 50 days ago today. I am also joining A.A. for support. Since abstaining, I am eating like a horse, have a lot more energy and frankly look at the world in a different light. And, those non-alcoholic beers (Thank-you Budweiser 0.0) taste great!!! I have drank heavily for years and frankly am very proud of this accomplishment. To all of you, quit if you can, help is out there.
20
@North of North Dakota
I wish you good luck on staying sober, but be careful about the non-alcoholic beers. It's too easy to pick up a real one when you've still got the taste for it from drinking near-beers. Unfortunately, non-alcoholic beer is for non-alcoholics.
3
@North of North Dakota
Hey North, try some other kind of non alc beer. O'douls etc....waaaaaayyyyyyy less calories than the bud. I add grapefruit juice to mine because I hate beer but it makes it okay. I also put soda water and said juice in a wine glass at dinner.
1
@Dean Hi thanks for that tip, there are other fluids to drink (soda water, juices, etc.) other than non-alcoholic beer. I will keep my daily intake on non-alc to 2 or less. Also, Heineken 0.0 is a good alternative and has a smaller can.
1
Thank you for having the courage to write this.
Thank you for having the courage to be sober.
Thank you.
17
Congrats on your sobriety. What a gift!
Keep coming back. It works if you work it, so work it! You’re worth it.
8
Congratulations. What an inspirational story. You never know who is listening or reading and what impact your story has on them.
8
Thanks for your share. The first 3 years are a gift. Then the work begins. :)
7
This is beautiful. There is a Creole saying that children are the poor man's treasure. We would all be better off if we took responsibility for our actions while not judging ourselves unworthy of everything. That's the real trauma we all have to confront: self-deprecation and internalized hatred of who we are based on race, sexuality, education levels, physical attributes, and society determined indicators of wealth. We are all someone's child, a treasure to the world. Your two children are as much of a treasure as you are. Sounds like you allow yourself to realize that. Thanks for sharing. And thank you for your service!
7
People in this comment section...some are looking for more contrition. To what end? This woman has bubbled up from under the drink, and is now learning and re-learning how to live. She has my unwavering full support. It can take years to face up to, and remember behaviors, events, and traumas that occurred while intoxicated...likely painful, painful memories, dark snippets and shadows that if you let them, will eat you alive. Pushing them away until ready is the way to go. She has no need to, nor is it necessary, to spill her entire soul to you all. She shared a very personal, surely difficult to write, peek into her journey. I appreciate her effort. Every day is a gift when sober.
27
@Cheryl
I agree with you to a point, but almost every addict leaves a trail of victims. What about them?
The comments completely ignore this.
3
Heather - thank you so much for sharing this story!
I am currently on second month of no alcohol and I cannot believe how much my life has improved. I am so much happier and healthier. So are my relationships. I've even lost over 10 lbs.
To other readers who are sober curious, I wanted to also recommend Annie Grace's website (and book), The Alcohol Experiment. This 30 day online program is 100% free (yup it really is totally free), focused on uplifting, science-based, cognitive therapy methods that completely flip your relationship with and attitude towards alcohol.
Peace. :)
10
Thank you for your service and best wishes for great success on your new sober life.
4
I recently celebrated 20 years of sobriety.
It's not for everyone, but Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life, one day at a time.
12
Wow- the writer is almost 3 years in Alcoholics Anonymous and still hasn’t figured out the “Anonymous” part. It is disappointing as a member of AA to see people like this breaking their anonymity. There are numerous reasons we remain anonymous in the program—it protects the integrity of the fellowship, protects us from our own egos, prevents anyone seeming like spokesperson for the program. I hope the writer learns about the 12th Tradition soon, and wish publications like the Times would respect the organization’s value of anonymity, even if an individual writer does not.
10
@Anonymous
Stop! A should not is another should... As previously stated by others, AA should not prevent another person from sharing a story that may guide another. I am a mother of an eight year sober adult. I thank all who have shared so my child survives.
22
@Anonymous - Actually, nowhere does she break anyone else's anonymity but her own, and nowhere does she claim to speak for the fellowship of AA.
The tradition of anonymity has its uses, but it also leaves the stigma of addiction intact, as well as the notion that it is shameful and needs to be a secret.
Brave souls need to be willing to break their own anonymity to break that stigma.
28
@RCKovacs. No where does the writer say “should.” It is suggested she should work the 12th tradition, for her own good.
3
AA, counseling, and deep support from those you know. It's a tough road.
5
Thanks for sharing Heather. One thing I learned from AA meetings is that "judgment" shouldn't be a reaction to sharing. I listen, I hear and I acknowledge.
11
Congrats to you. I hope for your continuing sobriety.
I think some just have a predisposition to alcohol. I'm just guessing. My father was an alcoholic.It's what broke up his and my Mom's marriage. I may have had one cocktail in 20 years. It just did not do anything for me. So I didn't drink.
I notice the doctor have changed their questions. Where they used to ask "do you drink" they now ask "how many glasses of alcohol or wine do you drink a day"
I have two male friends, one who should have been a successful attorney. I don't know what his personal demons are. Bright, charming articulate, he was downing at least 1/2 a bottle of hard liqoor a day. He's lost his license for failing to follow up on his cases, and now has Stage IV cancer. Another has diabetes. I hadn't seen him in 20 years but when we met again, I watched as he searched out a bottle of liquor I had for 10 years, shaking, until he got a drink. He claims the doctor told him it was ok in moderation. I don't believe a doctor told a diabetic that it was ok to drink, but I didn't challenge it.
Again, I really think it's some sort of genetic disposition to it. Why some people can take it or leave it, but to some people it takes over their existence.
Whatever reason you stopped, I applaud you your motivation and wish you continued success.
9
This person is very lucky not to have killed herself, or worse, someone else, as a result of her irresponsible behavior. But for luck, she could easily be writing about "How I blacked out and killed an entire family," or something like that.
I drank a lot when I was a young man, because I enjoyed it. But I never once got behind the wheel and put anyone's life in danger. This lady has been sober for almost three years. Super. If she falls off the wagon, I hope she stops driving.
4
I don't understand why you felt like this was a worthwhile contribution to this article and discussion.
5
@cindy: I can help that, can I?
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.
8
Congrats on your sobriety. That is hard work every. single. day. Thank you for sharing your story.
6
Reading your story of your life and feelings, I felt like I was reading my own. Thank you for sharing. We're glad you're here. However, my sponsor made sure I learned the Traditions and why they were important. I know it's hard to tell your story of recovery without mentioning the program that helped you get sober, but please try a little harder to do that next time. Thanks again for a story of why we get sober and what our lives can be. Well told.
7
The prayer that guides me in life, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can & wisdom to know the difference. It kept me sober for over 50 years, one day at a time.
10
Brave and inspiring story.
3
You are a hero! I wish you and your kids all the best!
3
Well done Heather. Lead on!
3
Let me just say congratulations to the author on her efforts and continuing journey! I respect her honest and clarity and determination.
As a successful 61 year old white woman I was always aware of my ability to drink white wine. I grew up in a wealthy suburb going to a country club and had parents who drank also. I wouldn't have called any of us alcoholics BUT I also knew that I drank at least 5 nights/week.
When my doctor pointed out that I am doing all the healthy things for my life so why wouldn't I consider drinking less, I did just that.
As of January 2019 I decided to give it a go. 5 months of no drinking-wow!! I took a vacation in Paris and south Africa where I did have wine but my desire and tolerance has shifted.
Here is my takeaway- it has been hard at times to sidestep all the drinking opportunities out there but SO worth it. I lost 10 lbs and wake up every day feeling great. I notice more about the people around me and am generally more tolerant and kind(especially to my husband). All the money saved!!! I am excited to go back to my doctor!! My husband drinks less.
If we are going to save our planet, more of us need to be sober!!😘🙏
13
"I found myself in this weird dilemma: I could no longer see myself drinking, but I had no idea how to live my life without alcohol."
This is how many feel when they reach the jumping off place, and have to make a decision.
Thank you for your honesty in sharing your story--there is a solution, and sometimes all it takes is the honesty to admit you want to find it.
I've heard it said the only thing an alcholic needs is to not want to drink just a teeny bit more than they want to drink. And by focusing on that difference-- one day at a time--that difference widens, and things get easier.
8
Ms. King, it sounds as if you are on the recovery road and have the strength and integrity to remain sober and healthy. May God bless you.
19
Thank you for sharing, Heather King; wishes for a bright future for you and yours.
My drinking was a big problem some years ago, and AA was just about the only game in town. I tried but it just never made sense to me.
I needed strength, not humility. Eliminating the ethanol, and Women for Sobriety, an abstinence-based program for women, was (is) the key for me.
Many roads, one journey. My best to Ms. King, and to all of the commenters who shared their hearts.
27
Well done Heather. Beautiful family. I'm only a few months behind you. Will celebrate three years in November.
19
Congratulations to Ms. King; getting out of our own way is always the hardest battle to win.
16
This piece would have been every bit as moving and valuable if the author had adhered to AA's Eleventh Tradition: "Our public relations policy is based upon attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films."
8
@Anonymous
I don't think it can be healthy to try to control other people. It's Ms. King's decision how much of her life she wants to share, and no one else's.
41
@Anonymous. Raising the 11th step argument is, in addition to being wrongly understood, a tone deaf response to an article that might save one more person. She didn’t out anyone else or reveal anything that happens or is said in meetings and it is her choice to reveal as much as she chooses to.
44
@Laura
Selfishness and self-centeredness was the root of our problem.
4
Alcoholism is genetic and is passed down from one or both lineages. It changes the receptor of the brain that controls addictions to one that craves addiction. It has to be retrained by weaning. Heroin can be weaned from in three weeks (same as any opiate). Smoking is the most difficult since it also involves tremendous psychological meanings nurtured over years. Drinking is hard because it also has those outside influences such as social gatherings. Rehab for four weeks will get you over the shakes but you avoid social gatherings where liquor is drunk. You have to find a social replacement such as book readings, devotion to family, and acknowledge that you were putting on 'empty' calories' while destroying brain cells.
10
This is a sorely needed option piece. We have embroiled ourselves so much into tackling the opioid crises, we have myopically overlooked the much larger and costly epidemic of alcoholism. In comparison alcoholism causes more death and misery then opiates. Alcohol is also much harder and more dangerous to kick than opioid medications. The risks associated with chronic use also exceed those of opioid narcotics. The only difference is that alcohol is an entrenched and legal substance that’s ordinary use is as an intoxicant and nervous system depressant, while those are considered untoward side effects of opioid medications. While I am in no way trying to down play the risks and opioid addiction, the risks of alcoholism are greater in almost every way, from cancer, to nutritional deficiencies, to detox requirements and so on. We need to treat all addictions more seriously, but a focus on one should not be at the expense of an other. Especially when one of those is so ubiquitous and accessible in our culture.
36
@Melba Toast
I totally agree, we seem quite willing not to hit the alarm button on the greater damage ravaged on us by the more toxic drug, alcohol. A review of alcohol abuse will show it is far more dangerous long-term than opiate addiction and a much broader audience.
9
@Melba Toast
Great points Melba, and all true. The biggie is that we don't even call alcohol a drug - this has to change. Also, the "collateral wreckage" from alcohol(innocent people killed by drunk drivers, murder and rape victims, spousal and family abuse, etc. etc. etc.) far exceeds all other drugs combined.
We need a drastic change in drug equation.
7
@Paul Shindler
Yes, don't forget the "collateral damage" of suicide. Almost all suicides & suicide attempts are done when the person is under the influence of a drug--usually alcohol.
Probably the same could be said for a lot of homicides. At least that was my experience. My mother tried to murder us children but then ended up murdering herself.
2
I lost a brother who was only 41 to alcoholism.
He destroyed two families - his own (with children) and my parents, who never recovered from the sadness. Another sibling is in third stage, now close to the end.
It's surprising to me that no commenters mention the popular culture image of beering and boozing so prevalent in our society. I hold my siblings responsible for their own behavior, but they have been greatly aided by the inescapable marketing of "the good life" associated with so many aspects of our lives (bars, sporting events, etc).
57
@Dale M
It's amazing to me, how many people think college students inevitably drink a lot. That it's an unquestioned part of the college experience. Ms. King mentions this in her article here. There are a lot of people going to college who go to class, study, have friends, maybe work and do sports and so on, who don't drink. It would be a good thing if this were seen as a valid model for college students who are casting about for one.
24
Thanks for writing this story. The part about the denial is so true, and what keeps most people from making the changes that are necessary to stop drinking (or using other substances) and start living a sober life. I know that AA has helped millions of people, and I just wanted to give a shout out to SMART Recovery, an alternative support group, with meetings all over the world. Unlike AA it doesn't rely on higher power assistance; it's about understanding and resisting triggers using techniques borrowed from cognitive behavioral therapy. I wish you and your family the best!
19
Thank you for sharing your story. You will have helped many people find their way today.
Any doctor who recommended drinking during pregnancy should have their license to practice medicine revoked.
21
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy for you that you found AA and are now sober.
It isn't easy but it is worth it. I have 6 years in August (God willing). Your children are blessed to have you as a mother.
The struggle is real. I relate to so much in your story. May you continue on your path. Hugs!
18
Thank you. I admire your strength and your honesty. I am sober 27 years, and am grateful for my life. Alcohol is never the solution, but those of us in pain, and with that addiction gene, it does temporarily ease the agony of life. I am 27 years sober and am so grateful for my life. We each have own own bottom. For me, my bottom was realizing I had become my mother, as I passed out once again from my daily drinking to find my 12 year old daughter sitting next to my bed, just doing her homework and waiting for drunk mom to wake up. I called the AA hotline, and a wonderful woman talked to me, and picked me up for my first meeting. I still attend meetings, so that I may be in the company of people like me.
dogmom3 in CT
43
I was moved by your comment.
2
@Pia
I was that little girl, but one day she didn't wake up.
4
You make some valid points about the "side effects" of alcohol. Most people believe it is a mood stimulant. However, the day after it really becomes a depressant. It's a tough up hill battle to stay away from alcohol when you are depressed.
People who drink are often dealing with underlying anxiety and depression. The more a person drinks, the farther they get stuck in this depressive "loop."
Thank you for sharing. Your children are very blessed to have a mother like you!
31
First, Congratulations for the decision to take action and start recovery! Also, a plug for a recovery resource for anybody dealing with any kind of addictive behavior that can be used alongside with or as a secular alternative to 12 step programs: SMART Recovery meetings. SMART (Self-Management And Recovery Training) meetings are anonymous, free, open, and teach and practice evidence-based tools and techniques to boost motivation, cope with urges, deal with problems and (re) establish lifestyle balance.
Meetings are held locally and online. For local meetings in New York City, see www.smartrecoverynyc.org , or (nationwide and online meetings) smartrecovery.org. But, regardless of which approach one takes: There is a way out for anyone struggling with addictive behaviors!
25
This is an important story. Thank you for sharing!
13
Brianna Molina
bengal12BriannaM
This article was so nicely written, and I loved the honesty of Heather King. What caught my eye was the photo next to the description, she looked like a real person. Many soldiers get mistreated during and after they serve, which is what I was expecting to read about. Sadly I was correct because she struggled with alcoholism and she was sexually assaulted and like in most cases very little was done to try and help the victim. Not only was she a victim of sexual assult but she was a victim of negligence. She wasn't offered the right amount of help, in my opinion. Just sending someone off to a group might not help, however it is up to the person to want to change. I was very much in shock because she was brutally honest about everything. She stated that many times she wanted to stop, and most parents struggling with this addiction would say they stopped for their kids. The fact that Heather King came right out and said that her son was not the reason she stopped drinking rubbed me the wrong way. I kept on reading and further understood what she meant she could.t stop even though she had a son so saying that she stopped because of him would be an outright lie. She nearly lost her life and that is when she decided enough was enough. In the end I'm glad she did change and bettered her life for herself and her kids. I have a strong feeling that this article will help others who are struggling in a similar situation that Heather King was once in.
12
My parents were drunks. My dad had a great job, my mom was a stay at home. But seeing them drink every single day of my childhood put me off alcohol forever. Every few years I’ll drink a half a beer just so I’m not the guy that never drinks, as there is quite the stigma for being a non drinker.
28
@Bob
Yes, it's too bad about that stigma. More respect for the
non drinker, please. No means no.
19
@Laurie
Indeed. When I quit smoking, my friends were all so supportive, cheering me on and congratulating me. When I refused a drink however, these same people looked at me like I was from the planet Uranus. (I have never been much of a drinker and now I don't drink at all due to meds I take.)
6
@Bob
It really changes things when you don't drink. I was on a date and the guy kept asking 'are you sure you don't want a drink'. No, I don't. Some relationships go by the wayside. Obviously drinking was the glue.
3
My opinion has always been that an addict has to decide to change before there is a realistic chance of success. Support can be provided, but without the desire to change of the person who is enmeshed in the problem substance or behavior, change will almost surely fail.
This isn't "blame the person", anyone can fall prey to the demons of escape and sloth. Having gotten there, the problem is that "there" is perceived as so much better than somewhere else like nasty reality... many check in, but few leave. (for those that say "I can stop anytime", ok then, stop whatever it is for 6 months if the bar is so low. Words are cheap.)
5
Ms. King: Thank you for sharing your story. Hopefully it will inspire others to follow your path and absorb the wisdom in your words. I work as a magistrate in the Massachusetts court system. As much as the opioid epidemic has destroyed many lives in our country, alcohol still is public enemy number one, something I observe every day in those who come before me for drunk driving, domestic violence, and causing public disturbances. If I were God and could snap my fingers to make the world a better place, the first thing I would do is to eliminate alcohol. As you have discovered, every day that you remain sober, you get stronger, both mentally and physically, and less & less likely to feel the urge to take a drink because even the thought of drinking makes you shudder. You're a beautiful, intelligent woman with two beautiful children. You have been very fortunate to have escaped the fate that awaits so many who cannot stop drinking. God bless you and best of luck to you and your family.
19
Thank you for carrying the message of recovery from a seemingly hopeless state of despair.
"They told me that if I didn’t drink and went to meetings, they would show me a new way of life, and I would never have to take a drink again if I didn’t want to. I believed them."
Nothing convinced me I was an alcoholic like alcohol finally did. Now I am long a "they" telling newcomers the same thing and I just celebrated fourteen years.
24
Ms King, thank you for sharing your story. What a special gift to read it today, on the 3 year anniversary of my sobriety. AA really can work if we work it, and things do get better. Living life on its own terms, not clouded by alcohol, is challenging and so rewarding. I never thought it could be this good. For those who are struggling, there is hope.
18
Glad that the Facebook algorithm put this article in my feed first thing this morning. What a hopeful story! Keep up the good work. I stopped drinking and stayed stopped in a similar way you did. It is possible. For me it's a mix of steps, the fellowship, therapy (CBT), family, and a faith home. It's not the same for everyone so just do what works and keep it up!
18
So grateful Ms. King shares so honestly the pain and suffering and impact on her family. I'm in tears reading about her son and the price he and her daughter paid and what she herself went through. Having a dad who died from alcoholism, I've learned it's a disease that takes root in chemical dependency as well s distorted thinking. The mental traps are the hardest to see which is why I'm grateful to access AA-focused Recovered Cast podcasts. I count friends in various 12-Step groups as among the most emotionally mature and sober people I know. No longer do people need to suffer in isolation like my dad; that's a gift.
12
Well done, Heather.
11
Heather, I'm glad that you've made so many healthful, life-enriching changes -- and I'm going to ask you to make one more.
At the start of this essay, you were a leader of a regional Young Republicans group -- a strong supporter of a party that offers generally useless one-size-fits-all solutions to complex human problems; routinely demonstrates no compassion or empathy for those in trouble and instead blames people who have been stung or ravaged; guts and cuts the social programs needed to help people get back on their feet; and jeers at human failings.
Every one of those behaviors/attitudes is the opposite of the understanding, compassion, tolerance, forbearance, and second chances that were freely given to you, again and again, as you worked to conquer your alcoholism.
Isn't it time to stop partaking of what's positive/healthful while doling out what's negative/life-destroying?
Thanks.
34
@Doro Wynant. An excellent suggestion. Ms. King should connect with fellow veteran Amy McGrath's campaign for U.S. Senate against Mitch McConnell in her neighboring state of Kentucky. McConnell's defeat would remove the greatest impediment to progress on the issues you have listed.
12
Thank you for your story. You sound like you've acquired some great wisdom and put in the hard work to make changes and better understand who you are. Wishing you the best.
7
As someone in Tennessee struggling with the pain of losing a relationship due to my partner’s alcohol abuse, I am heartened by you sharing your story of recovery and perseverance. I hope it helps those who are in addiction’s depths to seek help. I wish you and your family all the best.
8
Best of luck with finding ways to handle life alcohol free. Forever, a day at a time.
Be especially happy - and very grateful -that your children had the resilience to pull through the tough times that they experienced. It could well
be because they really did feel your love coming through. It's not about wallowing in guilt, but for some children of alcoholics, they're always worrying about mom or dad, having to squelch their own anger or fear to handle their daily lives.
I wondered if they had ever participated in any groups -Alateen I think? Or any similar therapeutic or support group where they get to share their experiences?
And it isn't nice, but a curse on the officer who harassed and assaulted you. You story almost seems like an inevitable one for women in the service; and it's horrible. It was meant to break your spirit. You've saved that spirit. Blessings.
6
Peace. I too thought I could never stop drinking. Next Thursday, I will mark 26 years. I spent the day with my grandson. I am blessed.
31
@George M. Goodburn Next Thursday will make four years for me. Congratulations to you.
3
Alcohol addiction remains the most prominent and destructive. Legalization has not changed it.
8
Thank you for this article. But if I may offer my particular perspective as the child of an alcoholic, as the youngest sister of two alcoholics and one substance abuser that went through Daytop years ago ( imagine living in that house as a nine year old), I have always wished AA added a thirteenth step, which is self examination through a therapeutic process with professionally trained counselors as to what exactly pushed a person over the threshold into addiction in the first place. Yes, disease, predisposition all play a part but I have never known an alcoholic or substance abuser that was not running from something they could not face, hiding something, some secret they could not keep without the help of a drink or a drug. Were it not so, would new addictions of God and religion or of gambling, pornography, or anything , not be lying in wait to successfully inhabit the empty part of the soul that the drink once occupied. These are hard words I know, but a thirteenth step would end the dry drunk (a term my mother often said, under her breath and in her prayers) , a syndrome that all we, we the casualties of the excesses of those we wished could love better have witnessed, even after AA pretends its work is done.
22
@Marie Inserra. 13th Step: that is a great idea. I am from a long line of alcoholics, some who died young (40’s), and others (my father) who lived to age 80 with 37 of those years as a dry drunk (in AA). Recently, I had to walk away from a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic partner who I loved deeply, and with everything I had, but he can’t stop drinking. Alcoholism needs more than one method to manage and a 13th Step would be fantastic for those who choose to seek therapeutic assistance.
4
@Marie Inserra
Good observation, Ms. Inserra. Many alcoholics seem to have some underlying narcissism that doesn't necessarily disappear when they become sober.
1
@Marie Inserra
I think this is key. Some people heal through AA. But depending on the family, the damage can be so severe that everyone in the family needs some kind of help understanding the mess in their lives and in the family. I support AA and Al-Anon but private longterm psychotherapy saved my life. Others in my family who refused to ever have therapy suffered in ways that I don't because I have deeper understanding of the pathology in my family caused by generations of alcoholism. There are people who die of depression & psychiatric dysfunction because a parent or grandparent was an alcoholic. If you're aren't but the family history is getting in the way of a healthy life, I recommend finding a good therapist and seeing them for as long as you need - in my case 20 years.
Yes, it's expensive but dying long before your time is no bargain.
You are not alone. Nearly every household in America is affected by alcoholism. After my divorce, the emotions I felt were so intense they were literally painful. What got me through, and still gets me through, is 1) gratitude for the kindness of others, and 2) focusing my attention on the needs of others. When I care for others, it has the surprising effect of healing myself, and I like myself better for it. It is great that you are now connecting more with your kids. Just showing up for life, come whatever happens, gives meaning to life. You are involved in your kids' lives, and they are thankful.
12
Life is a journey, shorter than we like yet longer than we hope. And along the way there are times we end up, as this writer did, upside down in the ditch wondering what in the world happened.
Grace, and a certain self-awareness, can pull you out of it so you can continue along your way. It appears she has done just that, pulled herself out of that ditch.
I wish her well on her way as I - probably like many other readers here - have been in a few ditches of my own. Just be sure to stay mindful of the existence of those pitfall moments.
Doing so can insure, though not guarantee, that you stay out of 'em into the future.
John~
American Net'Zen
10
@John
Well said. You and Heather both--and so many others who have commented here as well. It's rare to find a Comments section anywhere online that is actually edifying--but I think this one qualifies!
Alcohol decimated my family for generations.Addiction is a self diagnosed disease.You decide if you qualify.When I could not use any longer I sought and received help from a 12 step fellowship in 85'.I am now clean and sober much longer than I used.With grace I continue the journey of recovery,daily.Spirituality is essential in whatever form you can find it.I wish you peace...
14
on september 3, 1986 i checked into rehab, a 32 year old confirmed alcoholic. almost 33 years later the desire to drink is dead and gone. waking up in an ambulance after a withdrawal induced seizure which left a 14 stitch gash in my nose and a taste of the non-being of death ( there was NO self-awareness in that seizure ) was enough to turn the tables on drinking. there were some white knuckle moments in the first few years ( i knew i w as better when i stopped dreaming about drinking ) but the result was a positive one. the post-addictive people i know all had some sort of traumatic experience that invigorate self-preservation. this fits right in. hang tough. it isn't easy however it gets easier as you go.
12
@fred mccolly
aka delirium tremors
DTs helped to save your life
thank you for your honesty
4
@Pia
honesty is the only way to do this...a thorough self-assessment and no flinching...you are welcome...that seizure scared the bejesus out of me...on those rare occasions i consider recidivist behaviors all i need do is remember coming to in that ambulance..."to fight up against the wearying siege of an abiding sickness, imposes a fiery combat." Thomas de Quincey...we are all warriors...hang tough.
2
@fred mccolly
It's true fred. Honesty is best. When I say I was a raving drunk people are shocked. But it's true. And I WANT to say it. I want to remind myself of the changes I've made and saying out loud makes it all very real. Good, bad and, at times, very ugly.....
2
Wow. Thank you for telling your story of succeeding, Ms. King. My time dry is the same as yours. Strength and power rises when we see our brothers and sisters thriving. They did it. I can do it. You can do it. We are not alone and we can do this.
14
I understand. Sober for 20 years and will not drink again.
But the desire to drink is still there, but fading as the years
go by, but it will always be there.
Excellent article.
19
Thank you for sharing, Heather. The old feelings that came up for me as I read your article kept my own drinking "fresh" for me and reminded me to be grateful today -- as I have tried to be grateful, a day at a time, for each day of the past 33 years of my sobriety. Some days it's easy to find that gratitude; some days it isn't. Your essay made this day a special gift and helped this old drunk to stay sober one more day.
When I was a newcomer in the rooms, I always used to wonder at the old timers in recovery who thanked newer drunks in recovery for sharing their experience, strength and hope. "You do more for me," they'd say to the newcomer, "than I can do for you." And now I know that is true. I wish you joy on your own journey in recovery and thank you for being a bright spot in my own.
28
Thank you for your 'share'. 6 years sober, I know that I will never actually be 'recovered' but instead actively in 'recovery'. When I actively work the program, the promise of 'it works if you keep on working" comes true. Soriety not always easy but definitely possible when we do the work together and offer experience and strength and hope to the newcomer.
21
Thanks for sharing your experience. Is the hardest part to look at yourself and seeing yourself as a non-drinker? To get home at the end of the day and not have that beer or glass of wine to relax, to go to a party and watch-and not join in on the chaos- when you know you were (and are) the most interesting person there. These are the difficult moments...
12
@mike
At a party, it's possibly true you may be a very interesting person, perhaps more interesting than most. And you may find others painfully uninterested in you and even made uncomfortable if you are not joining them in drink. However, in my experience, that is just a stage of sobriety. If you stick with it, eventually your inner life expands to such a point that those who are continually absorbed in their own chasing of the alcoholic head-state will be on such a completely different wavelength you won't have any interest in them, or any craving of their interest in you. It becomes akin to socializing with toddlers. At this point, your understanding of human nature and compassion for others will have so increased that many will find you to be an example of wisdom and hope, even if you don't open your mouth. It took me some years of sobriety before I felt at ease in social situations where there is drinking. However when possible I try to surround myself with people more on my wavelength. It is a great relief to live this way. I was told I would eventually come to abhor alcohol. I think it's true. I really can't stand to be around those habitual heavy drinkers who become dense, self-absorbed and devolved.
9
I am rooting for you. I'm blessed to be sober now for seven years, I've learned a lot, like the difference between being self-aware versus self-absorbed. I needed to learn lessons like that in order to re-engage with the world around me on a constructive, honest basis. But no matter how long I remain sober, I know that I'm just like a person with a brand new 24-hour chip: - just one drink away from the abyss.
33
There is a theory (and I feel it is true) that the root cause of any addiction - whether it is alcohol, opioids, work, screens, food - is trauma. Address the trauma, the addiction will be addressed.
34
@expat yes and no. There is a level of addiction/alcoholism that, unmentioned and unrecognized in this article (just a fact), is beyond normal people's imaginings. Trauma is more the symptom of that inheritance than the cause itself. Some people are "hardwired" to be *satiated* way past the point most people stop themselves. It's important in discussions of addiction to take these people into account because they are a very large proportion of AA/NA membership and those programs save lives (not just those of members who use them to "get sober."
7
@expat. More easily said than done.
2
@MrQuick Yes, I agree. But if you get sober and then fail to address the trauma, it's likely that addiction will come back. It might not come back in the same form - not alcohol or hard drugs... But lots of people continue to be addicts - just to softer substances like food or caffeine or video games or whatever. If it's a daily habit, if you "need" it, then it's still an addiction. Still numbing. Still keeping you from addressing the trauma.
7
Um, surprised to see so many AAs comment and not one pointed out the 12th tradition, we maintain anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. We do this to protect the integrity of the program so it will be available to those not yet reached. We are always glad when anyone stays sober, it confirms our own sobriety, but it must stay anonymous or we perish.
40
@Anonymous
if you think AA is not now a completely above-ground, public institution, you're in denial.
3
@Anonymous
AA is about remaining anonymous about what you see and hear in meetings and the specifics of your experiences with others in the program. The choice to share your own experience is not something that I consider to be expected of that anonymity.
20
@Anonymous
My reading of this tradition is different. The author is not seeking to be a celebrity spokesperson but simply to share their story. The judginess of your comment does far more damage to the program than this article.
9
Thank you for sharing Ms. King. I stopped drinking at 33 and just completed one year. AA was very important, especially during the first 90 days. It's great to share these triumphs with others because so many people suffer in silence and think that there is no way forward. Kudos to you for being brave enough to shed light on your path to a better life.
27
Great story that I appreciate having been there.Things are so much easier sober.
31
I am truly glad for you. I will have two years of no alcohol in just two more days. This is something I have dreamed of accomplishing for the last 37 years. To finally succeed at this is a wonderful thing. I wish you all the best in your journey. (A fellow traveller).
42
More power to you--you can and will make it. Thank you for sharing--it wasn't easy, but it was worth it to you.
26
I'm so glad you've found your people and come home. But, beware and always remember that this disease is in the parking lot doing push-ups. Do the work, stay honest, open, and willing and never become too complacent.
Peace and serenity to you and your beautiful children.
103
Your story sounds as amazing as it was painful. My story is different in many ways, but at hear it is the same. I found myself in a lot of trouble, wanting to stop, and after several attempts, finding myself being absolutely unable to. I came back to AA, having tested the waters 10 years before, when a man was inspired to check up on me. He stayed with me on my last drunk, and pick me up and brought me to an AA meeting the next day. This time felt completely different in that I knew I was 'home', I worked my way through the steps and have stayed for 32 years. Early on I finished my education and did a lot of AA service work. Then I found a church, that like AA, stressed meditation and positive thinking. Today I am married to a gal with 29 years. We are happy, free from guilt, and retired after successful careers. In AA the miracle works a day at a time. Ed K Nashua NH
64
Congratulations Heather.
As someone who has watched loved ones deal with addiction I know how consuming and terrifying it can be.
And how hard getting sober can be.
Stay strong, take it one day at a time, and never hesitate to reach out to your AA friends.
42
What a fantastic courageous story. You may have a TV or Movie deal in the works...this is a wonderful story.
10
@Juh CLU:
I sincerely hope not.
6
I just want to repeat what others have written. Thank you for having the courage to write this piece and to face the new day with hope .
We all know Alcoholism destroys so many lives and emotionally destroys families. It takes courage to face yourself in the mirror and live day at a time
.
I am happy for your children they have there beloved mother and there smiles must mean everything to you.
Not every story has a positive ending and we feel for all of the people who are suffering alone.
43
Heather, thank you for your courage and honesty. Humility is an integral part of getting and staying sober, that and gratitude and helping others. Here, you’ve practiced all three. Best to you and your lovely children as you trudge the road of happy destiny.
44
Thanks for your share, Heather. This essay is a bit like a speaker meeting, and your story is one of experience, strength, and hope. The value of putting it out there in public is allowing others who don't attend meetings to connect to the softer, gentler path you are on. Peace to you and yours.
55
Congratulations for how far you have come.
I have to be honest that the last paragraph concerned me. It seemed to be an attempt to demonstrate how wonderful the author's life is now that she is sober. But three years is a fairly short time, I fear the challenge will be staying sober when things are not going so well. And drinking or sober, we all have difficult times in life. I wish the author strength to stay sober in the bad times as well as in the good.
85
@Tundra Green
It's like strengthening any muscle. 3 years is a long time to cope sober. Over drinking alcohol creates anxiety and makes coping even harder. That's another myth: stress relief.
3
@Tundra Green you should read Jenny’s post above: “second, we learned to "keep your side of the street clean" (make sure your life is impeccably above reproach before judging others.) I highly recommend Al-Anon.” My point to you is, the author of this essay doesn’t need the negativity you stated in their life. As I read here, people in AA take one day and one step at a time.
1
My ex-husband joined AA about 15 years ago. When I had found out how much drinking he had been doing while he had the kids, I was enraged and told him that they wouldn't be staying with him again until he was truly sober. (They were about 10 and 7 years old at the time.) I called a therapist I knew and asked her what she thought of AA. She told me that while she wasn't an expert in the field (of alcoholism), from her experience, if people went to the meetings, they stayed sober and if they didn't, they didn't. He went to the meetings and has stayed sober.
67
@RMS Their recovery rate is very hard to nail down, but it seems to very close to the number of people who just naturally quit every year 5-10%.
He didn't quit because of them. He quit for you.
6
@Bob Adams He went consistently to meetings and did so until very recently. (He is suffering from terminal cancer at age 58. :( ) He certainly didn't quit for me (we were divorced at the time) but I am sure it helped motivate him that I told him he wouldn't be having the kids to stay over with him (they were quite young at the time) unless I was convinced that he would not be drinking. But it is clear to me (from the outside) that the meetings and social support provided greatly assisted him.
4
Keep going. You are a beautiful mother for being honest with your children and yourself. Our bodies are a miraculous vessel for living one life, continue to care for it as you have for the past few years. Peace and love to you and your loved ones.
45
Your children might also benefit from attending meetings at Al-Ateen. Remember, "one day at a time." Wishing you and your family continued blessings and peace!
49
Thanks for your story, brave and powerful. Keep going.
63
Beautiful story. A thousand congratulations on your sobriety. It isn't easy, but keep working it. My parents met in AA. It saved their lives. Nearly fifty years years later, they still attend weekly meetings.
One of the highlights of my life was attending an open meeting where my Mom, the speaker, celebrated forty years. Rocking my six-week old and shushing his three and five year old sisters, I saw and heard a side of my Mom that filled my eyes and swelled my heart with gratitude and pride.
I have a feeling your children will one day do the same.
205
Great story.
I've been sober for 9 years, 4 months.
I got sober in AA, 12 step plan; but I only worked 2 steps. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that was the most important step.
One day at a time, every day is different. Don't pick up that first drink.
Your life will get better, I guarantee it. It's much better living life sober.
95
Grew up with an alcoholic father, as well as several others in my extended family. To my shock I married a guy with what I gradually realized was an "unhealthy" relationship with alcohol. Many times I thought about leaving, but there was love, and the birth of our son - along with financial considerations - kept me in this marriage. With our thirty year anniversary coming up, my husband, after a health scare, announced he was quitting. This was just two weeks ago. He is struggling, but I am elated. As is our son, now twenty-one. It is utterly life changing. Fingers crossed and hoping for the best in our future.
296
Encourage your husband to check out AA. It works, it really does.
19
> "announced he was quitting"
Sometimes they relapse. (Been there, done that with two full-fledged alcoholics.) Naltrexone and/or acamprosate are sometimes useful for alcoholics who need medication management to blunt the impulse to drink. Hope your husband can make a full recovery from this disease.
15
@Marathonwoman. Go to AA. i tried to make it on my own without success.
14
I have a similar story. I believe the emotional sobriety is as important as the foundation of physical sobriety.
55
I have 32 years of sobriety in AA and I still attend multiple meetings. AA is my family. We all have stories. Many are like the one I just read. AA works if you work it. It takes absolutely honesty and WORK, but if you follow the suggestions for your life, you will achieve the results that millions of us have achieved. And it's unfortunately true that veterans are by far a larger percentage of the alcoholic population than non-veterans, as the writer found out. Sad but true. As a Marine I found out that if you want to be one of the boys, you drink with the boys.
63
We are totally different in so many ways, but so alike because we are sober alcoholics. I am proud to be sober 40 years, but being sober today is all that counts. It seems to be trendy these days to bad mouth AA but I believe having a meeting to go to every day was the main contributory factor in getting sober. One story at the end of the Big Book had a huge impact on me. The narrator says he is now able to become the person he was supposed to be. That happened to me. Looks like it is happening to you, too.
145
Heather - Mazel Tov to 2 years and 10 months. And wishing you many more sober days, months and years ahead of you filled with familiy, love and health!
Appreciate that you - and your family - shared this story.
78
Amazing story Heather. Life can be hard, but your shared experience and love of your kids makes your story fill me with optimism and joy. Thank you from my heart.
44
After losing several good jobs and putting my long suffering, elderly parents through a lot of pain, I gave up drinking about eight years ago. My forties were a mess, but I am enjoying my fifties immensely.
I'm glad that AA worked for Heather and that it works for a lot of people, but it didn't work for me. It is important to be aware of alternatives; google them.
My own route to sobriety involved ten days at Shick Shadel Hospital in Seattle and several rounds of aversion therapy. I followed up with a program called Smart Recovery.
113
@Tom I had the same experience. I quit drinking in 1998. AA was helpful very early on, but over the long term I found its philosophy limiting and stifling to my continued growth, and I moved on to SMART Recovery.
I am glad that there are many different approaches to recovery and wish that groups like SMART got more attention. Too many people think that AA is the only viable approach.
Sadly, stories like this one, compelling though they are, only feed the narrative that recovery is one size fits all.
89
@Concerned Citizen
I’m so glad to hear both of you mention SMART recovery. I have been reluctant to try it (fear based of course) but this encourages me to check it out. Nothing wrong with AA/NA but I’m on subs and feel ashamed about that at meetings. Those are just my feelings, not my recommendation that people on maintenance should avoid those programs.
14
@Tom: Glad to hear SMART worked for you! For those who choose AA, they often also choose to attend Alanon meetings after achieving sobriety. To me, AA is about our relationship with ourselves and the bottle. Alanon is about our relationship with ourselves and others. So many of us grew-up in families affected by alcoholism and our difficulties go beyond the booze. It's all about living a good life!! Whatever works, work it.
14
I stopped drinking and went into AA when I was 40. I am now 82; still going to "those meetings;" still sober; still a practising lawyer; married to the same woman for 32 years; good relationships with my children and grandchildren. "It works if you work it, and we are all WORTH it!"
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@George Tamblyn
God bless you sir.
20
One day at a time.
Congratulations for having the fortitude to go sober and stay sober.
Don't give up.
Your life and the lives of the people who love you are improving every day and your courage is the reason why.
Consider all the positive comments you get as a virtual group hug.
192
For most of my existence alcohol was a life saver. It was the only thing that helped with the emotional pain that seemed to define my existence. Then it stopped working. All of the pain, plus drunken mishaps, plus horrific hangovers.
By a circuitous route I found myself in AA. They told me that I did not have to drink. I didn’t know that. If I did not drink, sought outside help and put in the work, I might find out that life was not as painful as I thought.
Today? Sober 15 years. One day at a time.
268
Heather, thank you for sharing your story, and sending all my best warm wishes to you and your children. Politics and any other differences aside, please accept this similarly aged (I found you relateable) stranger's warm thoughts and encouragement, and wishing you strength during the inevitable trying times. Cheering for your success in this journey.
73
I want to congratulate Heather. I really do.
But I need to hear a lot more contrition from her about what she did to her children, her spouse, her extended family and to her colleagues.
I have lived through the agony and stress of having an addicted relative, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. My relative, who is in fairly early recovery, has only minimally apologized for a decade of a nightmare. Atonement is needed but I doubt it is forthcoming.
The most important thing afflicts can do is attempt to make things right.
50
@Cousy - Al-Anon was the missing piece of the puzzle that was my life when I was terribly hurt by an alcoholic's behavior. I "worked the program" as instructed and had two revelations: first, there was a meeting where we listened to the personal stories of AA members: it was shattering to witness their guilt and grief; second, we learned to "keep your side of the street clean" (make sure your life is impeccably above reproach before judging others.) I highly recommend Al-Anon.
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@Jenny
I’m so glad that Al Anon worked for you. I went a few times but it it didn’t take.
None of us is beyond reproach - that’s an unreasonable standard. But there’s no excuse, after causing years of enormous harm, that the burden isn’t on my relative to make a clear and concerted effort to make up for what he’s done.
You bet I’m judging. No apologies.
30
@Jenny, I applaud Cousy for speaking their truth. The first step to healing is speaking your truth. Anger and outrage are the result of years of violation by the addict. One does not move into nonjudgement and forgiveness overnight. It's a process that unfolds over time. Better to be authentic than to fake it. Cousy, thanks for expressing your truth. Perhaps the author of the article has not yet come to the place where she can go deeply into the pain that led her into the addiction in the first place. Hopefully she will continue to write and reveal more. She demonstrates profound courage to reveal what she has shared with us.
16
It may be a DUH! observation, but I never cease to be amazed by the improved quality of life and accomplishments people start to accumulate after overcoming this kind of adversity. I hope this is just the first of many even better chapters of her life!
161
Part of the apprehension about quitting alcohol is the lack of relief from stress and anxiety. The apprehension is warranted: Quite drinking and even years later you will have to deal with unwanted feelings previously smothered by your chosen poison. The upside is clarity and the greater ability to help others.
227
@Paul Kramer and eventually, you may learn to treasure your sobriety as something you do not want to lose.
7
@Paul Kramer
That's why god made weed.
12
As wonderful as it is to read the happy ending (sad endings, the alcoholic isn't functioning enough to tell it) this is not the norm. Ms. King has done well in navigating the game of life but for most of it with a crutch, the bottle. It is also a happy thought that she did not kill someone, maybe even her child in the car crash. While she took that moment to make the change she did get the opportunity to make the change. Some might call that crash without a fatality luck.
What perturbs me is that nowhere does Ms. King express any gratitude to her luck. Yes, she is grateful that her kids are doing well. I hear happiness not gratefulness. She needs to spend every free waking moment working with others who have the same problem. Pay it back, but not to yourself.
Maybe she will help people so they do not need a near death experience to see the light.
Good luck to her and her family.
14
@bitetherite
she is in a whirlwind of ideas, emotions and experiences right now. give her some time and distance to form a perspective based on wisdom. for right now she's doing great. it's a long road.
202
@sparty b
The root of joy is gratefulness...It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.
Brother David Steindl-Rast
Ms. King May have it backwards...
2
she doesn't need to do anything but take care of herself and her family. If she does that successfully, that's simply awesome
17
Ms, King, This is such a great story. You have my 100% support and your kids do too. Thank you for writing this piece. It is a great encouragement for all us to be ones who work toward the good in everyone and bring it out in others. thank you!
57
I grew up in an alcoholic household so I can relate to this story. I applaud her sobriety and rebuilding her life. Amazing strength. I wish the best for her.
117
A common definition of "recovery" is "getting better," like recovering from the flu. But it also means recovering things we have lost along the way. It's important to remember that we can lose those things all over again. Godspeed.
91
I am pleased this issue was told from the viewpoint of a woman and mother. That is valuable and not often the case. The role of trauma is also relevant.
328
@glorybe
Dunno about the trauma part. She reported that drinking was her past time in high school. "All she cared about," she said.
Just because someone goes to war, doesn't mean they are traumatized. The vast majority of people who go to war are not traumatized, research shows. Trauma affects a small percentage.
For those people who are traumatized, of course this is terrible and they should be helped. It's wrong to push trauma into her life, though, as it muddies the water of what probably actually happened. According to her story, she grew up drinking as her main interest in high school.
1
@Alive and Well Is it not possible that some AA members and some AA groups, not all, but some, minimize trauma because trauma "muddies the water." All groups have their own cultures and my experience with different spiritual groups from whom I've sought help is that they each come with their own human "higher powers." The very label "alcoholic" sometimes comes with the assumption that the newly self-identifying alcoholic is signing onto the "all I cared about" connection to alcohol. I know many, many, MANY people who self-identify as "alcoholics" and, of them, I cannot think of a single one who cared "only" about drinking and getting drunk. Some cared only about avoiding pain and conflict and found some felt sense of avoidance in alcohol's chemical effects. Some sought camaraderie in the bar and now find it in AA meetings. Some go to meetings to share their experiences with newcomers and then go about living their own lives. All groups, individual AA groups included, generally involve group-think. Neurons that fire together wire together and in context. Drinking is learned in context and not drinking is learned the same way. Mindfulness of what we feel when and why is a good way to break any habit involving self-harm.
4
@glorybe
Not sure what you mean about the viewpoint. This is the only viewpoint that I ever read in the NYTimes. The male viewpoint no longer exists.
1
As a long-time member of AA, I have heard variations of Heather King's story thousands of times. There are variations in our drugs of choice, our backgrounds, life circumstances, our behaviors, and our consequences but beneath all that, our underlying addictive processes are all the same. Recovery also takes many forms and paths but is always positive as we learn to live " happy, joyous and free." Congratulations and it (you)will get even better.
170
Congratulations on your decision to be sober. A very brave move!
91
I was getting stupid-drunk at 15 (nothing like getting started early) and remained reliant until, at age 30, I concluded it was not a path of progress; that was thirty-two years ago.
Sobriety brims with its own rewards.
Cheers and thanks for writing.
276
@Eric Lamar
Cheers and thanks to YOU, Eric!
My first time drinking, at 17, was also my first time "stupid-drunk," as you so accurately put it. By 32, like it or not, I'd pretty much come to the end of a very frayed rope, both physically and mentally.
AA saved my life. And not incidentally, made the last 40-odd years of my life remarkable, upbeat and productive. Didn't see that coming!
Thanks to Heather King for sharing her quite remarkable journey.
6
At the time I was in my 20s and 30s, drunk driving was much more tolerated by authories than it is today.
Many times I drove so drunk I could barely walk.
It is pure luck I didn't kill myself or worse some innocent people sharing the road.
I haven't had a drink in decades and have no desire for it.
I thank my lucky stars that I never caused a road tragedy - I know people who did cause tragedies - harming loved ones - and I pity them almost as much as I pity their victims.
One of my greatest fears now is that my teenage son makes those same mistakes but is not so lucky as I was.
124
@kenzo
And it really was so normal back then. Numerous times there was discussion about how "I woke up and I was in my driveway and I don't remember getting there" and everybody would laugh knowingly.
12
Thank you so much for your share. In this alcogenic culture, we need more stories of the negative affects of alcohol - it is addictive and it can ruin lives. So glad you found AA - I have been in AA for 6 years now and it is a wonderful program - it is a program of action and it shows you how to live your life with principles and self respect. Best of luck to you.
107
Inspiring story. I'm glad AA worked for you. Others need medical intervention--medication to stop cravings is extraordinarily helpful (and doesn't have to be permanent).
62
Thank you for sharing. AA is a wonderful program and I wish everyone, drinking or not would participate. The world would be a better place. Sober 10 years, 7 months.
146
After a lifetime of denial, I gave up at 71. AA works for many people. It has for me, I'm 83. BYE, I'm off to my meeting.
584
@Bill Metcalf
You beat me
I started at 60 and have 13 yrs. It's so easy now
27
When alcohol controls us rather than we controlling the alcohol, we the individuals, have a problem.
This story reminds me of me.
Sober, 20 years.
288
Thank you for your story. I'm so pleased you found a way for yourself and for your kiddos too. The 12 steps are a caring and pragmatic way to live that encompass basic good sense and kindness which cure the soul of many ills. Acceptance has meant so much in my life.
39
Good for you, Airman. Hang in there. It is a lifetime project. Thanks for reminding us all.
138
@Steve
Actually, it's a day by day project and sometimes, a minute by minute project.
42
@Em
Now is the time to make the best decision possible (it's always now).
8
@Em
You are both right.
9
Thank you for sharing your brave, honest journey. I am sure that you will help many who are facing the same challenges.
41
The author states her initial forays in AA were fueled in part by her “motivation to learn how to drink like a ‘normal person,’ the way other people did without losing control.” This is the red herring that that many addicts get stuck on: if only one could stop at 2 drinks or 3 glasses of wine, etc. While moderation for an addict may last for some time, it is rarely sustainable for a lifetime because your wiring is different and you can’t stop. Realizing one will never be able to drink like a ‘normal person’ is essential to sobriety.
470
@Michael Cummings I recall the technical description is something like this:
"One's too many an' a hundred's not enough." This line is from the "documentary" Lost Weekend, circa 1945.
This concept has been know from a very long time, but so very hard to learn.
19
I did not know the origin of this comment, which I've heard said about eating cookies. Now I understand.
10
I completely agree. I finally settled into my sobriety when I stopped wishing I could drink like a normal person and admitted to myself that I didn’t *want* to drink like a normal person, I wanted to drink like an alcoholic without the consequences. That world doesn’t exist. Now, I am content living without alcohol. I couldn’t have made that switch without the help of AA meetings.
6
Well done. You have helped many with this essay.
129
Macrobiotics teaches “everything that has a front, has a back.” Never more true than with alcohol. Both alcoholics and non-alcoholics try to find the right amount, perhaps not realizing that even if a hangover or withdrawal is avoided, there is a rebound effect playing havoc with sleep and nerves. The law of cause and effect has not been repealed.
28
@Kirk Cornwell It's interesting that you mention only alcoholics and non-alcoholics. Alcohol makes me depressed, so I don't drink. Not everyone has a fraught relationship with drinking. I consider myself lucky. It has nothing to do with willpower, I just didn't get the genetic propensity.
5
@LJIS
Alcohol is a depressant.
4
Thank you for sharing this honest and truly inspiring story. Kudos to you and to your children for standing by you.
32
What a terrific share- thank you for your bravery, your ability to shine light on a dark subject, and your service.
Congratulations on your recovery one day at a time, too.
46
Over the years i’ve come to understand alcoholics resist quitting because of the fear of what they are giving up. Recovery begins with thinking about what they will gain.
405
@ABaron excellent point. A loved one who embraced sobriety about 3 years ago (medication was what made the difference for him), no longer has any desire to drink because he has gained so much since breaking up with booze.
68
@ABaron Beg to differ. A true alcoholic or addict cannot "think the drink" and is neck-deep in delusion. The addict's problem is not the alcohol or the drug, it's her thinking. Her chemical use is but a symptom.
That's why there are 12 steps, of which eleven and one-half have nothing to do with drinking or drugging.
Recovery begins when I admit I'm powerless over the addiction, and start using a recovery program that someone else, not me, thought of.
recovered by AA and a power I never believed in since August 2, 2010
11
@Spaypets
I like that concept of "breaking up" with alcohol. It is so much like an abusive partner--so kind & loving & fun--at first.
Then comes the stalking; (she) he is everywhere asking for forgiveness & beckoning you to remember the good old days & you think you can get your relationship back on track.
You forgive over & over & give him the benefit of the doubt one more time. Eventually, you are hiding the abusive relationship with your lover (alcohol) from your friends & family & drop out of life; keeping your drapes closed so no one can look in & see what your life has become. You check the mailbox at midnight to avoid having to talk to neighbors or have them see your disheveled, often dirty, clothes & hair & blurred red eyes.
Your lover has taken your dignity away.
Alcohol won't let you go. You have to break up with him & not listen to his plea for forgiveness.
You have to throw all reminders of him out: that Crystal glass & silver ice bucket that are so alluring; the mixers you thought you could tame him with, dilute his wrath...
16