Of course you desperately want to be a parent! Please consider that fulfilling this desire easily creates a person with a profound emptiness. Loss of identity is the parent inflicted wound that remains. We readily acknowledge that separation from parents and one's identity begins with a tragedy e.g., adoption (and yes, a wonderful "fix"). Please don't ignore that a loss is entailed with donor conception! Donor conceived persons needs are denied at the expense of fulfilling a parent's needs.
5
@Cass Why is adoption a tragedy?
@PrairieFlax
Adoption itself is a blessing but the separation of a person from their parents is indeed, a tragedy.
5
Without the donor conception, that child would not have been conceived. Ask the child if that would have been a better outcome. You may prefer that children know who their parents are, and many of these kids do want to know this. But it is fatuous to compare an individual's wellbeing having been conceived with an anonymous donor to how that individual would have fared having been conceived with a known donor. No such option could be possible.
4
A friend who works with autistic children said a surprising percent had parents who used IVF. Has anyone studied this?
4
I have noticed that myself! Just empirical...
1
Is it possible that the donor Eli Baden Laser's mother chose had also donated to another sperm bank. If it is he could have another group of half siblings.
7
This is a multidimensional issue; there are several people who have chosen for various reasons to use sperm donors to conceive children. I personally feel that you should tell the child when they come of age and can understand. I must say the ability to locate half siblings can be both an blessing and a curse; as parents we will have to decide how to help our children navigate these issues. One thing is for certain donor conceived child will more then likely know they were very much desired and planned for, and most importantly loved.
5
Not more that children who were conceived normally!
2
I just looked at all the photographs. They are truly stunning.
6
After 15 years of anonymity our kids' DNA tests quickly revealed the name of their donor and several half siblings. The donor's parents were also on DNA sites. They wrote to us, confirmed they knew he donated and asked for privacy. Our children have never been lied to about their conception and say they have no interest in meeting the donor. I'm surprised the grandparents don't even want photos of their genetic grandkids but I did the math and there are 22 of them, including donor's kids. Two of the half-siblings asked to meet our kids so that will be interesting. Half of the 22 we know of are unreported to sperm bank. BTW, why do so many people jump to this creepy scenario of half-siblings marrying? We're talking about two dozen half-sibs per average donor, living all over North America. Much more likely that close relatives in a small town who don't know they are related due to infidelity inadvertantly breed together. This seems to reflect people's judgemental attitude towards assisted reproduction, not any real threat.
11
@IVF2MOMS Don't discount the possibility that your children are suppressing their curiosity for your sake ... they are well aware that talk about the donor and contact makes you uncomfortable (as is evident from how you write about it). I don't know how old your children are, but you should expect the situation to be dynamic. They have a genetic link to the donor and curiosity is normal.
It never fails to amaze me how parents of DC kids are so eager to write off any curiosity/interest on their part, as if they didn't even realize that their children are separate beings with minds of their own. The DNA testing scenario comes up because genetically related people can get into relationships (one of Eli's siblings shared a dorm with him, or didn't you read the article?)
What is really mind-boggling here is the marked tendancy of some parents of DC kids to refuse to acknowledge the reality of their own children's situations. Open your minds, for your children's sakes!
14
I frankly don’t understand why the banks aren’t regulated to limit the total number of offspring from each donor to something less statistically scary. That just seems like common sense.
Thank goodness they are now opting for transparency.
Also, it is pretty crazy to think how long the sperm is kept and therefore for how many decades these siblings may be representing in age span.
Hard to warn your kids just who could be their half sibling.
21
Let me clarify my previous post. Artificial insemination is a procedure used to create babies born from donated sperm. But not all AI babies are created from a donated sperm or egg.
3
I am one of about 12 half-siblings, born between 1950-1963, who discovered each other during the past few years. We continue to emerge from DNA websites. Some wish connection; others not. Couples were told to keep AI (artificial insemination) secret, in contrast to adoption where many were encouraged to share the information as early as the late 1950s. Couples were counseled to have sex after the AI procedure, and the father's sperm was mixed with the donor's sperm, in order to maintain the illusion that the baby might in fact be a product of both parents. AI became very popular after World War II but it has been around since the nineteenth century.
8
As a queer parent to two donor conceived children (different donors), thank you for the articles today. Yes, the queer community has pushed for more transparency in sperm donation, but we have a long way to go in embracing the right to know one’s genetic heritage. It is not enough to just tell kids they have a donor. Or to wait for them to ask for more information. The sperm and egg donation industry is where adoption was 20 years ago. Kids own their genetic heritage and deserve 100 percent transparency since birth. This means our kids have had all of the information about their donors and siblings that we have since they can remember (pictures, profile, info on half siblings) and we routinely discuss each as a part of our family (even though we don’t know donors in person). We have also made it clear that it is their choice in terms of the names they use - donor, biological father or Dad. No gate keeping and no rules based on our fears or comfort levels. The industry and all who use it need to put donor conceived people front and center so that decisions are based on their health and well being, not ours as parents.
27
World wide web means zero secrets.
12
It seems to me that sperm banks could offer a premium service where they guarantee that a donor’s sperm is only used once. The recipient can have multiple children but the possibility of half-siblings is reduced only to the natural born children of the donor.
Of course, the economics may not work if the banks currently use each donors sperm too many times (for example 20 times ) and try to be revenue neutral by charging 20 times current prices for the premium service.
13
How many half siblings, unbeknownst to one-another, fall in love and want to have children?
9
We need an article about Donor embryos.
Who is the birth mother - the one who donated the embryo or the one who gave physical birth?
6
@Alison I would call the woman who gave birth the birth mother (and usually the "mom"), and I'd call the female embryo donor the genetic mother.
8
@Mark Lyndon
And they're both the biological mothers.
3
The availability of genetic testing should not be changing this landscape. Ethnic heritage is nice to know, but not that important. The companies that sell testing mislead people as to what they will find out. People who are matches are not necessarily related. This needs more regulation. I spent a few hundred dollars on testing, only to find it confirmed what I suspected already, or knew, and did not locate any lost relatives at all. It is the paper trail genealogy that matters. But they don't tell you that. They pretend they can tell all, and they cannot.
5
@Grittenhouse - ethnicity and matches are two different things. People who are DNA matches, of e.g. 100 centimorgans or more are absolutely related. Those under 50cm may be “noise” or very remote.
2
Since most of the donors seem to be selected by their looks, talents and brains, I guess it is time to think of a wider distribution of these traits through artificial insemination. Why bother with the just average guy who is not that good looking and of course forget about having a unique children who that might surprise us with their traits. The ability to do this is a forerunner to super race plus once we are able to harvest female eggs and some genetic engineering it will be complete. Isn't that we are going anyway with all the new technology and genetic research. It seems that a select few are chosen by the women and couples in this article given the number of half siblings around. In the end all we want is the best kid we can get and forget about the less than perfect child. :)
3
For many of us conceived in the 1950s and early 1960s, it was still considered "experimental" and not yet commercial. Still very secretive and shameful. In the case of my Dad, he conceived my oldest sister before he volunteered for the U.S. Navy in the South Pacific and WWII. He wasn't wounded in the conventional sense, but tropical diseases (and/or aggressive treatments) rendered him sterile. So my parents sought out "treatment" in university hospitals. They never breathed a word of it, and took their secrets to their graves.
Fast forward to the 21st century and affordable genetic testing. Lots of confusion and surprises. I now have at least two donor-conceived half-siblings and two more half-siblings who were the legal (as well as biological) children of the donor(also deceased). I also discovered new ethnicity and new health risks. At the age of 60, having believed my biggest health risk was cardio-vascular disease and believing my statistical risks for cancer were probably on the low side, I suddenly learned that my biological father and his mother both died of cancer. I should have been on the "fast track" for colonoscopies much sooner.
I also discovered that most of the "anomalies" (of physical appearance, temperament, preferences, etc.) that set me apart from the rest of "my family" were explained by the donor's family. I'm not expecting a close relationship with them, but it's definitely a positive experience to be able to get so many questions answered.
40
Since anonymity can't be guaranteed, but the law states that anonymous donors are not parents, there should be safeguards that anonymous donors can opt out of being contacted years later. But donors should be encouraged to provide medical profiles, though. Sibling registries should be encouraged so that donor children can make connections among themselves.
1
@Barbara - There are thousands of us born before the sperm banks of the 1990s where no contracts were signed and no medical records kept (or even possibly asked for). We are finding out that we are donor conceived in our 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s. Just because someone is not deemed a parent does not mean that they are not obligated to to provide and accurate and updated medical history.
15
Kids are always angry about something! My 24 year old is mad because her father isn’t in the picture. He demanded I get an abortion, I obviously didn’t !
My 19 year old told me she told someone who asked why her sister and her looked so different it was because her sister was a Baby Daddy Baby and she was a husband daddy. Yet she claims her father molested her for 11 years! I often wonder why I didn’t just go to a sperm bank. I am owed well over a hundred thousand dollars in child support. My children have significant trauma from their biological fathers!
5
@MJS My goodness! Have you investigated her allegations of abuse, and have you supported her and offered her resources?
18
Perhaps all children should be conceived this way. Picking a good looking, intelligent, mentally healthy sperm donor would mean most children would have a better chance of a good life. The article about the 32 half siblings shows pictures of 32 very attractive people. Attractiveness is a huge advantage in life. I know so many people who shouldn't have children but do so nonetheless producing very unhappy children who go on to produce more troubled unhappy children.
5
@spike
Why would you want 32 other people looking just like you? Where is there uniqueness? How boring it would be.
15
Ironically, even though I had decided to become a single mom by choice (SMC) while I was working at Stanford University, the California Cryobank was in the same building as mine. I knew many of their staff and often saw Stanford male students coming in to donate.
It took me 3 yrs to conceive and not miscarry, btw. Their was one donor I particularly liked and by his description. I cd figure out that he was a Stanford med student in Immunology and that his picture w personal details wd be posted in that dept. Eventually, I decided to stop sleuthing and just honor the process.
BTW, CCB donors whose first number begins w a "2" basically originate from Stanford.
10
To Eli Baden-Lasar:
What beautiful beautiful pictures!!
21
As the mother of a donor conceived child who always knew her origins, I ask anyone who donated to please be sure to tell their own children about potential half siblings. To remember that the donor conceived have feelings, are people (wonderful people). Even if the donor wants no interaction, DNA sites will make hiding impossible, ask yourself if you want the place for your kids to find out to be at your funeral. Trust all your offspring to make their own life with or without you.
63
Knowing all this, I suspect far fewer men will agree to be donors. I know I would not - selling plasma instead of sperm involves no lies or unwanted entanglements.
51
@DaveD According to HFEA figures, the numbers of UK sperm donors went *up* eight years in a row following the ending of anonymity, thus reversing a three year decline. The 631 donors in 2012 was the highest figure since they started keeping records, and well over double the figure in 2004 (239) just before anonymity ended.
If a sperm donor wants to be anonymous, then he simply shouldn't be a sperm donor. I was a sperm donor over 30 years ago, and if I have any genetic children looking for me, I've made it as easy as possible for them to find me, should they want to, either via DNA or an online registry. Over a thousand other donors have registered at the Donor Sibling Registry and the UK Donor Conceived Register.
The donor-conceived are the ones who matter in this, not the parents, not the clinics, and not the donors.
Countries that have ended donor anonymity include the UK, Germany, the Netherlands, Sweden, Norway, Iceland, Finland, Switzerland, Austria, Australia, New Zealand and Ireland. Why not the USA?
21
As an adoptee, I was raised during a period when everyone told me that my genetic heritage didn't matter, that I should just shut up and be grateful for my adoptive family. Now that DNA technology is available, many people, not just adoptees, are learning new things about their genetic heritage, and guess what? It matters!
I was fascinated by the linked article about a large group of donor-conceived half-sibs, and by the diversity of their thoughts on this topic. A college friend of mine was a regular sperm donor; he now lives on the other side of the world. I wonder what has become of the children he helped to conceive.
58
To people experiencing this, it may seem unique, but it was ever thus.
I have a younger half brother, the product of a short second marriage of my father and his mother. For reasons that I totally blame on my father, she never told him about the marriage or his half sibs. He found paperwork upon her death, traced us the usual way, and sent a polite letter to me asking politely who I was and what this meant.
We met, he met his demented father, looked through family albums and everything. Did dna tests, which I thought were unnecessary. I think he took it very well. He had felt there was a family secret there. We are in touch. It would have been better without the secrets, but there it is.
66
@Nancy
Whatever “there it is” IS is clearly complicated. Your emotional conflict surrounding this whole situation, and it’s challenge to what you thought ought to have happened or is right versus wrong, is pretty evident even in your attempt to be blasé.
1
I am surprised that no one has brought up the following scenario: Two siblings meet, not knowing that they are half siblings.
They become sexually involved, and decide to have a child together. They become emotionally involved, or not. They could be married, or not..,but, a child is conceived and born.
The child is born with a serious rare genetic defect.
The parents are told that they are genetically half siblings.
What do the sperm banks tell these devastated people?
These banks need to be regulated!
100
Regulated in what way would change that hypothetical ? I would suggest the following: By law, at a certain age, let’s say 10-13 years old. Any person who was conceived by anonymous sperm or any person who is adopted anonymously be told that fact. Thereafter, the individual would be aware that half-sibling relatives may exist. Then, with today’s genetic technology and internet genealogy that person would have the means to determine if a potential mate were blood/ genetically related prior to marriage.
10
@Sloop This is likely why (according to the article about 32 siblings published elsewhere in this paper) parents ARE telling their children to get DNA testing if/when they become attracted to other people. It may sound too burdensome for young people to think about, but given their origin, may save them a lot of heartache.
23
@Sloop
You pose an entirely plausible and frightening scenario.
Another one, which Hollywood could make into a tear jerking movie, would be a couple meeting, falling in love, and then discovering that they are half siblings. What do they do then?
12
There is research suggesting some degree of homosexuality is inherited. And that it may be inherited on the X chromosome. Gay men only have one X chromosome and that chromosome is transmitted to all the males progeny and half the female progeny. But we know that most children conceive by gay men are not gay. Obviously there are other factors. But if the donor and the children agree to have this part of their life utilize for research purposes it would provide more information about the genetics of homosexuality.
3
@Sandy, Just Curious You don't quite understand that part of the genetic process. Men only pass their X chromosome to their female progeny. They pass their Y chromosome to all male progeny, and their X chromosome to all female progeny.
12
Finally, a sound decisions. At a time when we understand how critical DNA research is, it is good to know that sperm salesmen will be help accountable. I tell these children: sue for your inheritance. Get your reparation money from a man who made money for your conception.
6
@Mendelssohn. Sure, go ahead and sue the guy who gave you life. After all, you would never have existed but for his sperm donation. And it's likely that you'll be able to find a lawyer, somewhere, to represent you and a court that agrees with your cause of action for "wrongful life". But even if there is liability, there's a big question: What are your damages for having been created, for being given the gift of life?
17
So..."anesthetized the wife"...in this case means...???
And the 'best looking guy' in the medical class did what?
12
Another thought on donor conceived people is that egg donor conceived persons are now coming of age. In the near future they will be adding their voices to the donor conceived.
14
My son was conceived via donor sperm at the NYU medical center in New York City in December 1984. At that time frozen sperm was not being used so this was live sperm that had been “washed“. Is there anyway for me to find any information on that donor sperm? I was never given any information at that time and had to sign papers saying I would never seek it.
11
@Marjorie - ayour son has not made any promises. Have him do one of them popular DNA tests and he will probably find siblings and has a good chance of finding out who the father is. If not right away then over time.
17
Did anyone consider that the accompanying photo-essay (Eli Baden-Lasar's 32 half-siblings) might not be in the best interests of the several minors appearing in the photos?
Perhaps these subjects will not want their status as children of a sperm donor to be known to all, and indexed on search engines to come up whenever someone "Googles" their name.
I assume their parents/guardians signed a release, but did they do so sensitive to what's best for the child, or because they were tempted by the thrill of seeing their kids in a major national publication...perhaps even with the thought in mind of launching a kid into a modeling career?
I can see the student/photographer has made the big time here -- at least for the moment -- but is it right for The Times to be an enabler of something that may well be considered exploitative by the subjects, once they are adults?
18
It is news. Nobody is ‘exploiting’ anyone in a sinister manner, it seems. And, yes, presumably all the persons mentioned, and if minors their parents, were asked if they were comfortable doing so.
11
@Peter Blau - It sounds like you think there is shame or stigma attached to being donor conceived.
21
@Peter Blau In response to the person who indicates - shame. I don't believe that is what Peter is suggesting. The oldest of these children is 21. The question is do these individuals want to basically where a name tag the rest of their lives and have this be one of the first facts known about them. It is one thing to be happy in your own skin it is another for the rest of your life to have this be the first googled fact about you for colleagues, potential employers, potential clients,etc.
12
Have any donor children stumbled on a wealthy biological parent and successfully sued for support or inheritance? If not, I am sure it is only a matter of time in lawsuit happy USA. Sperm and egg donors might want to think twice.
4
That is not how the law works, be it family law or probate law.
8
@Joseph. Funny you should bring that up. I found a half-sibling who I have been unable to contact. From what I have heard, he is wealthy and is afraid to correspond with me for fear of a lawsuit. So sad!
7
@DC (Donor Conceived) - Just because someone refuses to reply to an email doesn't mean you have to give up. You can also search the person's name and address through Google and various people search websites, often locating other email addresses, telephone numbers and even their real physical address.
I am not DC or an adoptee but my father is unknown. I located a 2nd cousin on a DNA service who refused to respond to my emails. So I did a search as above and then cold called her at her telephone number. She said "I figured you would find my number eventually". We had a good discussion after that and she provided me with useful clues for my ultimate search going forward.
Don't ever give up!
6
I’ve long been troubled by the weird assumption that men may go around carelessly fathering children for whom they will provide nothing — no relationship, no sense of identity, no support, and obviously no parenting. We expect men who’ve had sex with their children’s mothers to take some responsibility, even where the encounter may have been glancing. Yet via turkey baster, no. Why the big difference? The whole point of donating sperm is to make babies. And this is profound, weighty thing. Human beings are not commodities to be sold for $25.
The women who want/need to use sperm donors have a strong interest in this commodification, of course. It permits them to have babies under circumstances that would otherwise be very difficult— a husband is infertile, or there is a wife rather than a husband, or no partner at all. These women appreciate the power, the autonomy, of being able to make this choice.
But this elides the underlying moral problem. Humanly, we are indeed responsible for the babies we make, men as well as women, These babies are ours. We are required to love and care for them if we possibly can. Sometimes parents cannot do this. But sperm donors simply choose not to.
This is why a woman’s choice to bear a child or not is so important to protect. It’s part of why rape is higher crime than assault.
The children of sperm donors have been uniquely denied the core human right of full membership in the human family. They’ve been sold, and bought, and disowned.
21
@Portia How about a marriage where a child is produced from eggs that were donated/sold (because something is wrong with the mother's eggs) but fertilized with the sperm of the legal father in a marriage?
I'm unsure on how this possibility compares to children created from donated sperm in terms of scale but there are an awful lot of ads looking to buy woman's eggs on various internet boards.
8
@Portia
Do you think the donors were only donating their sperm for money, a mere $25. Don't you think there was something more behind all this donating of sperm and being aware that dozens of children might be produced ensuring survival of your genes without having to support your offspring. I think some ego was also involved.
13
@Joseph I find egg donation troubling for the same reasons: it makes a human baby a commodity.
I have different feelings about a sister donating an egg, for instance, where the child’s place in a family is still fully understood. I also have different feelings about sperm donated by a close friend with whom the child can have a relationship. These are ways the usual biological relationship of baby to parents is altered, but the baby is not deliberately denied essential ties. I also think it’s important the egg/sperm not be bought/sold.
2
Many of the comments by those who are obviously not donor-conceived, or adopted, sadden me. Although I do understand....until you “ walk in our shoes”
I’ve had a wonderful life with supportive, open and encouraging parents. But there is absolutely nothing like knowing where I came from, and ultimately who I am.
We each have our own journey...
28
These products of sperm donation are violating rights of the donor. These products of this service need to consider the service conditions at time of donation. These actions can easily prevent future donors from making this process possible. A friend gave a baby up for adoption, in the 1960's. Decades later that baby sought her out, claiming wanting to know her. She told it off, that woman that loved, supported, cherished and raised her is her mother. I agreed with her decision to send that grown child back to her mother without explanation of any kind.
She could have been aborted!
5
@LaDeneBean - They are violating nothing. They were never asked if they were willing not to know who their bio fathers were.
19
@LaDeneBean - She told "it" off? You mean the child?
26
@LaDeneBean
These people are not products, nor are they "its". These children and young adults are human beings with agency.
These people have the right to seek out their donors or their birth parents, just as those donors and birth parents have the right to decline that contact.
You sound completely unhinged and mean spirited.
34
Give a whole new meaning to the name branded DNA testing - 23 and me , who else ?.
8
very well written,
I hoped to read something also addressing an ethical aspect of this, while it seemed everyone is concerned about privacy of the donors, What about the chance that any of potential half - siblings dating! in the future or getting into a relationship?
6
@Dea’abis
That's why it's so important the the children know. Then they do 23&me.
7
As a professor of computational genomics, every day I ask, how do changes in DNA alter proteins, cells, tissues, persons? Each pair of half siblings share one of two copies of HALF their genes with each other. If a change requires two copies to express as, say, green eyes or rare disease, they are each a carrier - unless one happened to inherit a second copy from their mother. THAT is the reason to know about one’s half sibs.
Perhaps of interest to readers - two full siblings have 25% identical genes in both copies and 25% completely different, on average. For the other half, they share one of the two copies. A child and their parent share one of the two copies of every gene.
Except for X and Y — a son’s Y is 100% from Dad, and X 100% from Mom. A daughter get Dad’s X and another from Mom. So half-brothers share identical Y’s, and half-sisters, share one identical X - but one copy of every gene on X is randomly silenced, differently in every cell. So half-brothers express the same Y, but in half-sisters or a brother-sister half-sibling pair, it’s complicated. And that’s just the genetics!
24
Yeah and also each of a man’s Y chromosomes are different and unique
This story is about technology and data, or medical procedures, genome mapping, and computerized record-keeping. It’s very likely that, in less-civilized and non-computerized day’s, having multiple half siblings was common. Obviously, the manner it was done was far more brutal. What is new and intriguing is the discovery of siblings who were actually wanted. How far we’ve come.
28
Let us not forget in this discussion egg donation, a vital option for some families.
Some banks enforce anonymity, not even offering donors the option to choose to be open to contact, which in my view is paternalistic, as if the agencies know what is best for the families and donors. Other more progressive agencies will facilitate contact between families and prospective donors if requested. I don’t know if the same is true for sperm donation but I don’t see why it shouldn’t be.
Some families may wish to choose anonymity; others may wish for open contact. It should be up to the families to make the decision they feel will be best for them and their future child — a huge responsibility no parent would take lightly — and up to families and donors to match their perspectives.
11
@WS
Actually it should be up to the human created by the egg donation - not the parents or bureaucrats. Too often in these discussions, the agency of the person created is overlooked.
18
I failed to see how egg donation is “vital” for some families? Egg donations, usually from healthy, college educated, reasonably attractive young females, is profoundly unethical. These young women, who for the most part both in need of cash are misinformed about the serious health risks of heavy hormonal treatments. I have two daughters and would rather give them cash that have them risk both their health and future fertility. Having a child, especially at the expense of others, is not a right.
2
I was adopted in a closed-adoption state, Nebraska. DNA sites link me with first and second cousins. One of them, another adoptee, is the half sibling of a woman I corresponded with online and who was confused and defensive. There is yet another adoptee linked to all of us. A letter of mine was forwarded to my bio mother. She wrote back, through the agency, saying she could never divulge her secrets to her family. That's that. None of us will get answers.
28
@McReader So sad, and so misguided. If her family do DNA tests, they'll find out anyway.
12
If we can be anything in life, let us be kind. This isn’t just some slogan. There are humans here with feelings who ask for nothing but acknowledgement of their humanity.
27
@McReader That is so sad, and I find myself in a similar predicament, with my half-sibling refusing to acknowledge my attempts at communication. On the other hand, it is possible that another piece of the puzzle may fall into place for you if and when a potential relative uses 23 and Me or some other service. I really do think it is a matter of time.
7
I was born in 1983 to a single mother using donor sperm. For the first couple of decades of my life, I definitely felt angst not knowing the identity of my biological father. I took it upon myself to track down his identity using DNA testing and lots of family tree mapping (the same techniques now using in solving cold case murders).
I feel mixed emotions about finding him. At first - elation at solving this puzzle. Also, a sense of peace from knowing "where I came from". Now, I also feel guilt. Every year, new half-siblings join our ranks, discovering us through 23andme or Ancestry. They too want to reach out to the donor and achieve their own sense of peace. I took a decision he made (under the promise of lifelong anonymity) 3 decades ago and violated the contractual terms. Now, he'll always be waiting with bated breath for the next offspring to contact him.
27
@Heather He should never have been promised anonymity in the first place, but why should you abide by a contract you never signed up to?
54
Heather, you did not enter a contract. Science advanced. Such is the way of the world. He has no propriety over shared facts.
28
@Mark Lyndon Excellent question, Mark.
8
This industry must to be regulated from A to Z. There is a fellow in New York City who gives his sperm via live donation to anyone who asks. His last donation as I read in the paper was to two teenage women who had barely reached the age 18 both of whom were living in separate homeless shelters. My concern is not only for all the half related sibling groups which will inevitably result in some horrible and happiness when a few cannot marry or do have children despite the risks knowingly or unknowingly but for the absolute lack of concern for the situation into which innocents will be born and raised.
10
@Oona so you think no teenagers get pregnant in an unregulated, risky situation if that industry is regulated? How would you propose to prohibit private live donation? This is like prohibiting consensual sex.
10
Sorry once you reach five children born from a donor. the sperm would be destroyed. No single donor should produce 20-30 offspring.
We need some legislation here folks.
175
@GUANNA Understand your point however this would be tricky to accomplish since sperm used in IVF produces multiple embryos, many of which are then put into storage for later use. If an embryo is transferred and produces a live child, that mother may want to have future siblings for her child. It would be unfair to require her to have her embryos destroyed simply because a certain number of live births had occurred. There may be a better way to accomplish the goal such as limiting commercial sperm donation to only one or possibly two recipients.
13
Great, we’re on the same page, now try and convince the industry, cause some of us have tried for decades.
9
@GUANNA
How many children should one man be limited to with his wives?
9
My partner was a sperm donor in college and has always been willing to be "found," not secret, has always checked the "not anonymous" box at every opportunity, followed up with his sperm bank (New England Cryogenics) to provide updated contact information as we moved, and even tried to register with the Donor Sibling Registry mentioned in the article to help any offspring find him if they were looking for him.
We were shocked that when one offspring called New England Cryogenics, they told her the donor was anonymous and refused to give her his information. (Thankfully she was able to find him via DNA test.)
We were also surprised that the Donor Sibling Registry mentioned in the article charges donors $99/year (or $199 for a permanent membership) to make themselves easily findable by any donor-conceived offspring. This is surely part of why the registry is more effective at helping donor-conceived people find siblings (who are motivated enough to pay for a membership) than find their donors -- even those who are willing to be found.
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So here you are. Aside from needing to know about the possibility of inherited genetic defects and diseases, it seems like you can otherwise just live your life. Without all the drama and "processing" would probably be easier. Look forward.
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@Frank Do you know the identities of both your biological parents? Do you know how it feels to look at yourself in the mirror and see a big question mark? It's a question of more than just knowing about inherited genetic defects and diseases - but having a sense of history and family.
I tracked down my donor by spending a year completing multiple DNA tests and mapping out huge family trees. Once I met him, I felt a sense of peace. Now I can look forward (as you say), but meeting him was crucial to doing so.
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@Heather To each their own. Not everybody has the capacity to conduct such a search. If people have the mindset that their happiness and future productivity depends on gaining such knowledge they may be setting themselves up for avoidable misery. But good for you if it worked for you.
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@Frank If you have not experienced not knowing who your biological parents are, perhaps your opinion on the matter does not carry with it the weight of experience. It is quite easy to callously intone 'look forward" when one has never had to wonder about one's past.
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I’m part of a large community of “Single Mothers By Choice,” many of whom used anonymous donor sperm to conceive. We have supported one another and followed the progress of our offspring from birth to young adulthood. All of us told our children early on the story of their conception (whether by donor sperm or adoption). I am also part of another close-knit group of my daughter’s genetic half-siblings and their parents. I’m not aware of any child in either of these groups who is having a hard time emotionally from being donor-conceived. Our kids are happy and well adjusted. Some of them want to meet their genetic half-sibs and/or donors, and some of them have no interest at all. It’s not a burning existential dilemma. I am happy that the trend has now moved toward more open-ID donors and away from secrecy. For all those who are judging and wringing their hands over the fact that people are building their families this way, I suggest you calm down and mind your own business. The kids are alright.
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@Jillian P. All parents have at some point claimed that their children are emotionally fine. This is something only you children can say, once they reach the point of maturity and full knowledge of what happened to them. In the name of having a family you have made some choices. You need to give the freedom to your children to feel and think about that choice whatever they wish. They might be angry and sad yet, if they love you, they will often hide these feelings from you. Give them the time and freedom to grieve the loss.
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@Jillian P - it is hard to understand your insistence that children poor of donor sperm do not, to some significant extent, experience anxiety or loss or longing when you read the profiles and personal quotes from the 32 offspring of the single donor in the story in the NYTimes. Your assurances that everyone is fine seem detached from the reality of the situation. Some children may in fact be “fine” as regards their genetic origins, but many of apparently not. Please don’t be as quick to judge as you claim others are.
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@Jillian P. - You sound exactly like a lot of adoptive parents who claim the kids are just fine. Of course on balance most adopted and donor conceived people are fine, but that does not mean they don’t struggle at different times with not knowing or growing up with their bio parents. NYT has a great photo article by a young man who met with and took portraits of more than 30 of his donor siblings. He shares a fair amount of pain about the situation. That is not to say they don’t turn out alright, but it is to say that the situation is not good or bad, it is both and everything in between. Being donor conceived is complex and something donor conceived people will grapple with in different ways throughout their lives.
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I learned first hand how 20th century secrets can easily be unraveled by 21st century technology. My 23 & me results revealed 7 half siblings I never knew about. It was clear: I was donor conceived. I had no idea. It was the biggest curve ball of my life. Processing it takes time. And unless you are in the same situation, you can never know exactly what it is like. My parents wanted children, badly. The best option for them in 1963 was to play by the rules. If you do artificial insemination go home and forget it happened. Tell no one - especially the child. Right or wrong, that's how it was. With time, a little reflection, and some therapy I am slowly coming to a place of peace. I was very angry at my parents but that anger has subsided. Today, their ages add up to 181 and at this point my gift to them as the people who raised and provided for me will be letting them take their secret to the grave - hence my anonymity on this post. Still, I believe that keeping a secret from your child about his or her origins is wrong. I hope generations going forward approach this from a place of honesty rather than a feeling of shame.
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@Donor Conceived
Really terrible what you are going through. I just don't understand this overarching need for secrecy. Really demonstrates the low level of respect non-biological parents appear to have for their "children".
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@Donor Conceived
Please don't be angry with your parents. They were doing what they thought and had been told was best for you by the experts and the wisdom of the times, not the present. What I have grown to know as a parent is that most parents want what's best for their children even when they make decisions that ultimately turn out not to be the best. I wish you and them every peace and happiness.
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@DC (Donor Conceived)Times change, what was once shameful (being gay, trans, illegitimate, biracial, unmarried and pregnant) could have doomed the person as an outcast forever. It’s impossible to judge parents based on their decisions living in a different social climate. Additionally, the husband could have felt less than a man admitting he couldn’t procreate naturally. Many religions felt it a sin (and some still do) so it is almost cruel to judge others for their decision to keep quiet. Life goes on, society evolves, be glad you were wanted.
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“To be the biological child of an anonymous sperm donor today is to live in a state of perpetual anticipation”? I know so many children of donors and this is patently untrue. It makes it sound like being donor conceived is front and center every moment of their lives. My 13-year-old son is not even interested in looking at his donor’s profile, though he would like to meet him one day, which he will, unless the donor has changed his mind or has died. I wish the writer had delved into the actual research available on the perspectives of donor conceived children instead of assuming that for most or all it’s some kind of burning question. A place to start is in the research of Susan Golombok in the UK, and the work of Nanette Gartrell with the national longitudinal study of lesbian families, and the work of Diane Ehrensaft. Interesting point, about the effect of DNA testing on donor conceived children who were never told that they were donor conceived, and now might have their worlds turned upside-down.
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@Louise
With increasingly cheaper DNA services like 23 and me A lot of people will find siblings they never knew about. @3 and me's genealogy service will have to add sibling to their relationships.
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@Louise You don't know how much he is repressing his curiosity for your sake - something that is typical for adoptees in closed adoptions. Or it just might be too much for him to take on right now. The surface 'lack of curiosity' could be masking a lot of things.
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@Louise - it gets to be tiring hearing parents of donor conceived children speak on behalf of their adolescent children. Adult donor conceived people speak with way more authority on this subject.
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In 1977 I responded to the request of our local infertility clinic and donated about half a dozen times. A year ago I received an email which resulted in contact with five donor children. All of them went through various versions of angst trying to first get their parents to tell them the truth and then to find their biological father. We have met 3 of the 5, and all appear to be settled with families and careers. Our initial contacts have been extremely positive, partly due to mutual respect for everyone's right to determine what level of contact they desire. We all agree that anonymity is harmful. We all agree that donor conception has been a positive experience for all of us. To those who think this is wrong, I would ask what ethical difference is there between donating sperm and donating a kidney or part of a liver to save someone's life? My only concern with the issue is that we certainly have enough human beings on this planet already, and I think there should be a much lower limit on the number of pregnancies that can result from a single donation.
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@Alexander You ask what the difference is between donating a kidney and donating sperm? Is it not obvious? Why are there so many men who donate sperm to a stranger and not that many who would donate an organ? Think about the implications of each. I suspect men who donate want to project themselves in the future through children they would otherwise not have (because they dont want the responsibility, while they are fine with the fact of passing their genes). You cannot compare the implications of the two practices.
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@Masha You are absolutely correct. Kudos to you for this eloquent explanation, Masha!
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@Masha
Yes, It certainly was not for the $25 they were paid. Seems like an ego trip to me passing on genes but no responsibility.
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Having just read Dani Shapiro's latest book, "Inheritance," in which she discusses finding out, in her early 50s, that the man she adored was not her biological father and that she, who practiced Judiasim so devoutly, was not, genetically, Jewish at all, I could sympathize with this further discussion of having an unknown donor as your father. This story is more honest, since these young people knew, for the most part very early on, that their biological father was a mysterious "other." Shapiro had no idea, which made it all the more shocking. In her case as well, her biological father never dreamed anyone would find him - ever. It was a shock for both of them. I don't think Shapiro had gotten to the point of wondering if she also has half siblings. It never was mentioned in her thoughtful book. Surely it is unsettling, to say the least, for all these children. Thinking of their parents, to say they should not have done this, and never been parents, seems cruel. I know of only one way to avoid this problem, and that would be by finding an individual one trusts and asking them to be a donor for your child. It raises all kinds of possible problems in the future. I know of one case where this happened and the male, a friend of ours, refused. He was shaken even by the idea of having a child, no matter now anonymous the mother promised his role would be.
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@Janet
Wouldn't she her claims to Jewishness come from her mother.
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@Janet Dani Shapiro is Jewish through her mother.
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@PrairieFlax - She is only genetically Ashkenazi through her mother, but she is 100% Jewish through her religion and culture through both parents and how she chooses to practice today.
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While I understand the frustration of heterosexual couples who marry only to discover the infertility of one of them, it seems that the donated sperm industry's primary role is the promotion of single mothers and lesbians. Both conditions happen and for those whe have them there are more sane solutions than this.
In this Me-me epoch the last consideration is the children.
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@Anonymot having children is always an egoistic choice (or an accident). It makes no difference what the parent situation is. People who assume that married, heterosexual couples are the only ones to legitimately want children and are the only ones to seek fertility treatment of any kind are usually motivated by some kind of morality/ethic that is quite narrow-minded. Single women AND single men, as well as same-sex couples can have a desire to be parents, and that is quite as valid and rightful as heterosexual couples.
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All comments so far describe negative outcomes, including medical, psychological, and social aspects of donor created families. It is no different than the same types of issues with naturally created families - secrets and all!
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@Yolanda I agree. All families have problems. But donor conceived families have specific kinds of problems and these children need to have their issues dealt with and acknowledged. Telling these kids that they will be "allright" is ignorant. The fact of being denied your ancestry is not trivial. This is what happened (in different form) to African slaves- they were rooted out of african communities and separated from their genetical heritage forever. Do they have the right to be angry? This is not a banality.
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This is a bad idea that won't end happily. Having 32 half siblings? Really?
People who are the product of a sperm donor may want to deal with their immediate existence: they have a mother and a father (in some cases) who raised them; who wanted them enough to go to scientific lengths to bring them into the world. Why rock the familial boat trying to claim parentage from total strangers?
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@Dale smith
This is a failure in the sperm donor business. There needs to be limits on how many children are conceived from a single donor. With DNA sequencing at $200 at 23 and ME a lot of people will find others with 50% shared DNA, siblings.
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@GUANNA I agree with the need for limits per donor, but you share 50% of your DNA with your parents, children, and full siblings. You only share 25% with half-siblings.
15
Such a positive advance. For too long, too many children have been denied contact with half their ancestry, when cut off from anonymous sperm or egg donors. there is no reason to deny half a child's family, and those parents who try it seem to selfishly put their own wants over the needs of their child.
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@weiza
"there is no reason to deny half a child's family"
What is "family"? A donor is the genetic ancestor, but in my experience "family" means something else.
15
Over forty years ago, I had a friend who helped pay his way through medical school and residency by donating sperm. He was attractive, and married, and needed the money. I don't think he thought about the ramifications at all. I mentioned to him, half jokingly, "Well, you'd best beware any beautiful girl your son brings home from that city!" I really don't think he'd ever thought about it.
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@Jane Jordan Good point! I read many profiles of sperm donors and while some did have children of their own (though rarely more than 2) there was often a pattern: men who never got married or had families of their own. Single bachelors living their life calmly. Yet they parented dozens of children. It all seemed a glorious way for them to cheat nature.
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Given the cost of higher education that is a lot of sperm.
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@Jane Jordan
Perhaps we should start asking to see hip x-rays of our dates, much like we scan them when purchasing a Golden Retriever, German Shepherd, or Poodle as evidence of inbreeding.
Woody Allen, after all, helped us rethink the definition of incest.
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I can't imagine the problems facing these young people. Not only can there be health issues, but there may be other issues as unforeseen as an individual's right of inheritance. On the one hand, I cannot blame the parents for wanting children, but on the other hand, they did not think of the long-term consequences of their decision. Which makes me wonder are all of these uncertainties and potential problems worth it?
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@AD In most cases these young people will not face any "problems" of the type you describe. I may be alone in this view but I consider tracking down and inserting oneself in the lives of those who -- for whatever motivation -- donated sperm may open a Pandora's box of problems that need not exist. The rejection from the unsuspecting sperm donor who may have moved on with his life, not wishing any ill or good to the product of the life-giving donation; the upset caused in the family that a donor may have entered into with his chosen wife/partner. As for the long-term consequences, nobody has a crystal ball to know what the future may hold. The Greek myth of Oedipus has taught us that trying to manipulate the future never succeeds; in fact it may make things worse.
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@AD As the wife of a former sperm donor, I will mention that even though we are not currently in contact with any of the donor conceived children, we did write our will to exclude any children conceived outside of our marriage.
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@AD In all the comments so far, yours is the only one that mentions right of inheritance as a possible issue. That was the first thing that came to my mind. Does a donor conceived child not mentioned in the donor's will have any inheritance rights to the donor's estate? What rights does the donor conceived child who was unknown to the donor have? And what if the donor died without a will - could a child conceived with his donated sperm make a legitimate claim against the estate under intestate succession laws? It may be that in most states the answer is "no", those aren't problems. Still, as a layman and one who is skeptical of our legal system, if I were a sperm donor I might be concerned that someday someone who I didn't even know might come forward and make a claim against my estate.
Also, consider the rights and obligations of a parent to his child. Are there circumstances where the mother of a child conceived by donated sperm - or the state which paid aid or welfare for the child - could go after the donor for child support. It may seem far fetched now, but stranger things have happened in our world of expanding liabilities.
Given that legitimate beliefs from the recent past of anonymity and confidentiality have been thrown out the window thanks to advances in dna testing and other technologies and the expanding scope of openness and "right to know", any man would be a fool to become a sperm donor these days. There's too much risk and uncertainty.
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The secrecy and shame around infertility described in this article is why many donor-conceived people were lied to about their genetics. Donor-conceived people who were told the truth of their conception from childhood in age-appropriate ways are not angry and militantly against donor gametes. Many who didn't find out until they were adults rage against donor conception. Parents, you can't lie any more. You never should have.
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@Osmond It's a myth that telling early magically erases the difficult psychic burden of having been donor conceived. The children have every right to know, and every right to know whose their genetic progenitors are. But they still have to cope with what is a complex inheritance.
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@Osmond The same goes with adoption. Open adoptions were relatively rare until the 1970s. Until then, your life didn't begin until the day your adoption was finalized.
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@Osmond
I agree 100%. As a surprised donor-conceived child, the secrecy that has and continues to surround this is abominable and truly heartbreaking. Parents in the know need to step up - for everyone's sake!
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