Thank you.
1
I didn't know you sang too, Mr. Blow! Who woulda thunk it?
KUDOS!!!
2
I don't get it. What is there to "celebrate" about one's sexual life? Can't we just take natural impulses and live them, rather than run parades and have months dedicated to how we have sex?
When thart's what you celebrate about yourself, you're kind of in trouble, no?
5
and... comments like this are why we need Pride
19
@Allen. Because the default position is hetero-normative. Example: For years I've heard folks complain about gay straight alliances in schools pushing an agenda "down our throats," (which always struck me revealing language). The same folks would never see a h.s. prom as pushing a straight agenda. To the dominant group their culture is as invisible as air and as omnipresent.
9
@Allan H. And while we're at it, what about all those romantic movies and songs and novels that celebrate hetero love; you know? the stuff we grew up with? No reason to celebrate those natural impulses either.
Sheesh! @vhh is right! A parade one day a year is a mere drop in the heteronormative ocean.
3
One of the most beautiful and honest columns I've ever read. Thank you, Mr. Blow, for being your authentic self and sharing that self with us.
2
Thank you for this beautiful statement, Mr. Blow. We were there that night, at the stunning premiere performance in St. Louis Saturday night. When you walked out, beckoned by the cast, I saw something of what you have written here in you. What I mean by this is that your earned, elevated detachment shone through your face. It was a stunning evening in every way - victorious on so many levels.
4
Fresh Tendrils
Long time coming
It seemed to take me through
Long time coming
Many served the few
And long to taste the shame
That bows down before you
Long time coming
It seemed to get me by
Long time coming
It seemed to satisfy
You longed to taste the shame
That everybody tries
Shame shame
Throw yourself away
Give me little bits of more than I can take
If it sits upon your tongue Or naked in your eyes
Give me little bits of More than I can try
Throw yourself away
Throw yourself away
Long time coming
It seemed to take me through
Long time coming
Many served the few
And long to taste the shame
That bows down before you
Yeah
Shame shame
Throw yourself away
Give me little bits of More than I can take
If it sits upon your tongueO
naked in your eyes
Give me little bits of More than I can try
Long time coming, long time coming
Matt Cameron - Chris Cornell
1
One of the most profound guidelines I heard from a therapist about family dynamics:
secrets affect everyone, including those that don't know there is a secret.
6
Thanks for your truth. Very impressive. Am now going to read your memoir. All the best to you.
3
It is so nice to read that you can just "be".
3
Cheers!
1
Charles,
I send peace and blessings to your life. Sharing, as you have, encourages those of us who have also experienced abuse. Although abused at age 8; I told no one until I visited a therapist in my 40’s. Now in my 60’s; I feel freedom and know that my life actually began the day I simply scratched off the scab.
Thank you for sharing and know that many of us understand the journey.
4
Does he mean "world-inflicted" instead of "world-afflicted"? It would seem so (and maybe it's a Freudian slip), but I continue to be baffled by his admirers: where others see insight, I never see little more than the glib and the trite. As a bisexual nonbinary person, I am unimpressed--but at least he has given his hatred a rest in this column, and maybe that's a step in a new direction.
1
I am SO glad it got better for you, and thank you for sharing your story.
1
Thank you for sharing your story and this story. I am happy for you and I am better for hearing it.
1
Not too many people get to see their work translated into a stage play. Congratulations!
1
Three words. Good for you.
In addition I enjoy your sharp tongue shared through your keyboard. I do not agree with everthing you write, but something would be wrong if I did.
2
I've not read Mr. Blow's memoir and will not.
What I have to say now, comes from the writer part of me. I was a journalist for almost 30 years. As is true of many of us, I too endured experiences that made me a psychological mess. Unlike others including Mr. Blow, I find no comfort in shouting about them.
Mr. Blow presents himself in this column as someone who is completely taken with his pain and trauma. He almost seems to revel in it, and perhaps that was his aim.
Sometimes you can open yourself up too much and too often. Maybe it was this sense that had me struggling to get through the piece.
Where once we repressed nightmarish experiences and kept dark secrets today we seem compelled to put them on public display so often as to make them seem all too common and ordinary.
3
Two case studies from my life: a high school girlfriend who was sexually abused by a relative, and a gay friend who grew up in a deeply religious family.
First the girlfriend. To my knowledge, I was the only person she ever told, and it came out haltingly, in bursts of cryptic gurgles and grunts. She's now in her sixties, never married and lives alone. To my mind at least, her life appears very remote and alone. I can't speak to her happiness, but it's hard to imagine such a bright and interesting person is content with such isolation.
My gay friend is just the opposite: he's very, very out! He told his parents, they didn't speak to him for years. He invited them to his wedding under the very strict condition that they celebrate; if they planned to pray for him throughout the ceremony, they should stay at home. They didn't attend.
But when he and his husband became fathers, the ice creaked and cracked and eventually thawed. His parents are now very involved grandparents, who no double still hold many of their beliefs but keep quiet in order to positively participate in the family their son and his husband have created.
Personally, I tend to hide large parts of my life. But with age, I've improved. And I like the results.
Mr. Blow: much respect!
8
mr blow. i feel better informed and enlightened every time i read something written by you; however, your appearances on TV (MSNBC and HBO [bill maher]) add such tremendous value as you articulate with great gestures and emphasis. i love when your rejoinders and facts stop people in their tracks.
you are indeed a gift that keeps on giving. thank you. hope to see much more of you on the tube - never enough.
5
How sad that it takes so long to take stock of ourselves because we live with shame instead of realizing the shame belongs to the abuser. But then abusers have no shame. If they did, they would not be abusers.
I admire what you have done Mr. Blow. Perhaps your understanding of abuse is what has made you such an insightful writer. But what a tough road to hoe that you had.
4
Mr. Blow, your columns have inspired and informed me for many years. This, though, is wonderful and I thank you for it.
2
All love to you, Mr. Blow - for your courage, your compassion, your fearlessness. May your voice continue to guide and enlighten us for decades.
3
Not many of us get to see our story acted out on a stage. For Mr. Blow it was a glimpse into his past from which he had changed and grown. For the audience it is a glimpse into a life that may well be a reflection of their own past that has been left silently bound in the arms of shame and denial. It is a generous gift to allow a life to be exposed. There is power in a piece of theater based in reality rather than a story created from imagination. The offer of this kind of raw truth is generous beyond measure. In Alcoholics Anonymous there is a central tenent that says by telling your story -- sharing your experience, strength and hope -- to others who understand and know what you are saying there is great healing. And, just as profoundly, the stories told by those who lived them provides a community of people who understand. There is isolation in secrets of shame and fear. To find a community who can voice the voiceless truth is powerful. Mr. Blow, the minute you put your story on paper it stopped being your story and became the story of millions of people. That your story had now been set to music is an amazing gift. Thank you for that. Thank you.
3
I have been trying to find words to do the job of expressing my thanks to you for sharing this statement about being a spectator at the opera about your life's journey to the wonderful place you now enjoy. Your bravery, tenacity and honesty are remarkable characteristics that helped you to get to where you now are. Your message is a beacon of hope to all those who wish to conquer their personal demons, to share them publicly and then to enjoy the freedom they have earned by never giving up their desire to be the best and most truthful they can be. Please write on my brother!
2
We were in the audience Saturday night, the first performance of this powerful new opera, a world premiere, as it were. Terence Blanchard sat just two rows in front of us and a few seats to our right. Opera Theatre of St. Louis has a strong commitment to producing new works, and hearing this opera, Mr. Blanchard's second, after "Champion" in 2013, was a deeply emotional experience. The music, the libretto, the performances, and all the stagecraft (lighting, sets, costumes) were superb. We wish "Fire" a long and just future as a work of art that speaks directly to our time.
3
Thanks for this touching and well written article.
5
So happy for you to be in a place of peace, of understanding, of acceptance and of outright happiness of who you are. All the best to you!
7
I have recently come to be aware of Mr. Blow’s writing through my NYT subscription. He has been an amazing teacher for helping me recognize more subtle forms of racism. Thanks for that. I was not aware of a memoir, so now that is added to my list of books to read.
Thanks for all you do.
8
Charles, I love your writing and thinking. I am so glad that you could come to peace about your childhood experiences. What an honor to you and your writing. You are a testament to personal achievement. Thank you for sharing and peace to you, Sunny
8
I enjoy Mr. Blow's columns immensely and I find myself agreeing with him on nearly every idea he presents --- even though we couldn't be more different as humans. I am an 85-year old straight female, born and raised in the Northeast by loving and accepting parents who, despite being Jewish, has never known any outright intolerant or hateful acts targeted at me. But I can fully relate to the hate and torment and unfair treatment of my black brothers and sisters, having been married to a wonderful black man for 25+ years until his death in 2001.
All I want to say is "bless you" for being the person you have become (and the person you were born as) and that I am happy you have revealed your true self. Live a long, healthy and happy life!
7
Wonderful honesty, Charles Blow. I've been reading your opinions for years; this is quite different from the political content, and quite wonderful. Thank you for your honesty.
4
Bravo, Charles!
And, thank you.
2
I am grateful that you've had the experience of growing through your trauma. I, too, have put distance between myself and those moments that I once took for the pillars of my existence, now realizing they were merely text emblazoned on those pillars' surfaces.
1
I keep coming back to this piece by Charles Blow, a writer of exceptional moral clarity who regularly exposes truths, great and small. The goodness of the man shines through so brightly it eclipses his sexual identity, even though coming to terms with such issues are the entire context of the piece. And his transcendence through self affirmation shows the rest of us ordinary mortals that while the “who” of our identity may forge the person we ultimately become, it does not define the “what” of our character.
3
@Steel Magnolia. I meant to say that Blow demonstrates that the “who” of identity is irrelevant to the “what” of character.
@Steel Magnolia Your comment was moving. I didn't even notice what you meant to say. Lesson from Charles: We shouldn't be too hard on ourselves!
2
I believe this is the greatest gift we can give others, no matter who we are, that is, the reassurance that there is an authentic self beyond the person who has suffered so profoundly.
The great naturalist, Derrick Jensen, who was also sexually as well as physically abused as a child, said that his saving grace was sitting out under the stars at night and listening to their message: "This is not how it's supposed to be, this is not your fault, you will survive, we love you, you are good."
It's important to realize that no matter what the source, be it the stars, a therapist, an eloquent survivor such as Charles Blow, we all must be reminded that the cruelty suffered can be healed, that an alternative exists, and that things can get better.
Thank you Mr Blow for reminding us that the suffering psyche may be left behind and that a compassionate and authentic self can emerge from the ashes.
6
Egad. The egocentrism is strong in this one.
3
@Barbyr
"Egad. The egocentrism is strong in this one."
No kidding. The rest of us can't write operas or get them performed. It's great that this experience has been cathartic for Charles Blow, but what message does it send to the rest of us, since we are unable to achieve inner peace using this same methodology? Don't get me wrong: this opera could help many people. But since Charles Blow can write operas and get them to see the light of day, how about one that helps many more of us? Maybe one dealing with Trump and the Mueller report etc.; one that would have a significantly larger audience and far broader ramifications for the destiny of our country? Maybe ... think about that for the future?
When asked to express what he had learned of the world of the human psyche in a single sentence Sigmund Freud is reported to have responded that:
"Keeping secrets makes you sick."
The freedom achieved by laying bare one's essence is a healing exhilaration that remains with us for as long as we continue to keep it real. Repression of our natural daemon in favor of societal models as suggested in the world of the periodicals represents a sad and empty approach to the majesty of living.
Good on and for you Charles. You are a truly serious and a most gentle man.
2
Mr. Blow, I am so happy that you have shared your true self. You are a true inspiration for us all. Be well sir.
4
Yes, Charles Blow, to see your biography play out on stage as a play is a mighty form of confession. Confession as a form of repentance, as old as St. Augustine’s “Confessions,” as modern Knausgaard’s “My Struggle.” Writing as a form of prayer, as a method of reconciliation and cleansing.
2
You are brave and amazing Charles. thank you for sharing your truth so that others can follow your lead.
4
I don't get it. This story has been told hundreds of times. Sorry, but I just don't find it interesting or compelling.
3
It's about time -- figuratively and literally.
Wow, every couple of years Mr. Blow writes something worth reading. This was certainly one of those times. Congratulations to him. Getting off the Trump bashing may yet breathe new life into his career.
1
Being straight (and that's okay too), I can only try to imagine how horrible it must have been for people to have to live a lie in the past. Some, I'm sure, found it necessary to make much of their entire life a lie, and what a terrible thing that is for a person to do to themselves. Finally it has turned around, and quickly too. Kudos to American society, at least one step forward. Now, can we just accept different races too?
1
Not many people get the opportunity to view a portion of their life that they have rendered in writing interpreted through the lens of others on a stage. Your own time machine except you weren't the rider but an observer in the dark in front of the curtain.
1
Thank you for this. People all seem to have one or another kind of bad time in life. Serious or just personally upsetting, we can get past it and feel as you describe. You've given a lot of people rightful hope.
2
After your eloquence, there’s only this I can add: thank you, sir.
5
You are "blessed and victorious."
3
I am not one who believes in putting my life on display, not while I'm alive. I don't want people around me knowing certain things about me. It's why I use a pen name when I post here and on other sites. However, if this worked for Mr. Blow I'm glad. It's important to put the past to rest. It takes time to gain perspective on what was, how it shaped us and, how it continues to affect us.
Our culture is not good at dealing with ambiguity on most subjects. Sexuality has always been, to use the cliche, a fraught topic in America. I have no doubts that the attitudes and fears exhibited by many about abortion, LGBTQ people, and even those who are handicapped have a lot to do with our squeamishness around sexuality, the body and how it works.
Just as we don't have a choice about what color our eyes are or who our birth parents are, we don't have a choice about our sexual preferences. It would be an immense help and a huge step forward for this country if all our politicians and religious leaders would accept this and in so doing, accept more people as they are, not as they think they ought to be.
Mr. Blow, to you: L'chaim!
6/17/2019 11:23am
13
I’m happy for you, Charles. You have done something good for yourself while at the same time, helping so many others.
6
Our son, who is in the company for Opera Theatre of St. Louis, has been talking about this play for months. His experience of the story is as Mr. Blow has described it for his family and friends; poignant, at times devastating and difficult, but ultimately deeply and profoundly touching and inspiring.
Much like how I experience Mr. Blow's editorials.
We will see "Fire Shut Up In My Bones" in two weeks. I can't wait. And Mr. Blow's commentary increases my anticipation.
6
“Concealment makes the soul a swamp; confession is how you drain it.” Absolutely beautiful, 100% true.
Why are we so afraid of the truth? No doubt because of the temporary pain, but like going to the dentist to have an infected tooth pulled, it's necessary to avoid permanent damage, and to let healthy tissue grow.
Thank you, Charles.
4
Charles, You have been my hero, my go to for navigating life since the 2016 election. Congratulations on draining your personal swamp and for your staged memoir. Buying your memoir today, and making plans to drive from Minnesota to St.Louis to soak in the performance. Thank you for being you.
6
Mr. Blow, Thank you for being here for us Americans, for the U.S.A. .
Love your essay.
Thank you for sharing yourself.
6
mr blow’s reaction to the dramatization of his life is eloquent and fitting...a caution concerning his conclusions and advice - one size does not fit all.
During this awfully cruel era in which we are living, it is very encouraging to read about Mr. Blow's personal victory over our diseased culture and perverted predators.
Maybe, just maybe, America someday will become a civilized society where miseries such as Mr. Blow experienced will be as foreign to everyone as they now are to this marvelous human being and accomplished journalist.
5
What a scary thing to do. Going in there, not knowing what to expect. I'd be terrified to the point of nausea.
Of course, that's one of the things that gets better. So... congratulations, Charles. I hope it does some good for a lot people.
1
Hi Mr Bow
I am a daily follower of your column and missed your comments of recents events. Hopefully for your readers you would delight us with your deep insights.
Thank you
I confess that during the 1st act, I kept wondering how you were doing, sitting there watching and listening to the story of your very difficult early beginnings. But then my husband and I spoke with you at intermission and you were calm, gracious, and reassuring. You and my husband agree that 'it does get better, doesn't it'. I was able to fully focus after intermission and was overwhelmed by the power of this story, this opera, and this theater piece. I just bought my ticket for the last performance. Thank you, Charles M. Blow.
5
Charles, a person's writing style, his or her clarity of expression, reveals so much. Anyone who loves language and writing knows at once from your crystal clear lines and candor that you, whatever you have survived, whatever you have discovered, whatever you express about your secrets and anguish, you are a real mensch.
In a terrible moment in history, when lies re sold by leaders and the Internet thrives on racist screeds, mindless gossip, and dangerous fantasies, I look forward to your column. And to the fellowship I recognize day after day in those essays. Yes, Mr. Blow, you are a mensch in a time of bullies sand bloviators.
2
Coincidentally, I am reading “The Choice” by Dr. Edith Eva Eger who survived the camps during the Holocaust and became a psychologist in America. Your words ring out her words of ‘loving that person,’ and the sense of ‘freedom’ after opening up and sharing what is inside. Thank you Charles Blow for being you.
2
Beautiful to start the day with this Mr Blow. You are the best , thank you.
5
So glad for you, Charles.
3
How fortunate that Mr Blow was able to confess his bisexual identity in this relatively enlightened time. If he had tried that 100 years ago, he would have gone to prison, as some others did (like the gay author and playwright Oscar Wilde).
Nowadays, the NY Times, NPR, and other socially liberal voices run at least one story every day about sexual, racial, or gender identity and discrimination. I'm happy we've come so far, and I guess we have farther to go.
But personally, I'm to the point of feeling identity celebration overload and would like to see more stories about news, and about struggles other than LGBTQA, race, and gender. There are other struggles, you know, and some deserve just as much sympathy. Instead, we now get to hear that heterosexual white males are all "privileged" no matter their circumstances and struggles. That's a slap in the face.
16
@Unconventional Liberal
Recognizing the struggles of a segment in our society that has had to fear for their lives, their jobs, their military service etc. is not a slap in the face of those who face the struggles of the mainstream population. Lately with the current administration attacking the LGBT community there is good reason for news coverage.
41
@Unconventional Liberal Mr. Blow sharing his story doesn't take up that much news time, does it? We still hear about Iran, trade tariffs, immigration, opioid addiction, etc. This is Pride month, after all. If you're heterosexual, your whole life is Pride month. You can try to be happy for us. I do agree that some of the current "woke" rhetoric is myopic with its guilty finger, but that's not what's happening in this article.
9
Kudos to you for surviving and telling your story! The truth and self love are powerful indeed!
5
Another fine column by Charles Blow; deeply personal, yet it applies to the experiences of so many of his readers. It has brightened my day. Thank you Charles.
5
"Why had I denied myself this incredible sense of freedom and honesty and truth?"
I don’t see this question addressed in this particular column, so I don’t know the author‘s thoughts on this.
My take is that it has to do with the turn towards or away from suffering. It is not easy to move towards suffering, yet I believe that is the direction one needs to turn towards, not as a victim but as an understanding of one’s experience.
I believe that the relevant truth is not that Blow was abused, but the myriad perturbations that his experience imparted to his life, and the courage and intelligence that was invoked by him to discover the source of his suffering.
I admire the courage, intelligence and compassion that he demonstrates in his writing
1
Amen! Thank you for your courage and conviction Charles Blow! I have long lived the teaching that no matter the issue, the healing begins with honesty...I believe that is as true for individuals as it is for our society...maybe from your work will come a truth and reconciliation committee for America and all the core wounds of our culture will begin to heal?
Thanks for the inspiration!
1
It seems to me that we are pursuing a goal that is a first step rather than the ultimate step.
In an ideal world, we wouldn’t be asking that everyone be accepted into a community of identity, but into the community as a whole. That whole community would have as a rock-ribbed, fundamental principle that no one would be shamed because of any trait with which they were born. It’s belief system would hold that people can’t help if they are born female, or black, or gay, or blind, or whatever. It would believe that everyone has worth as they were created, not as someone else defined how they should be. In that better world, no one would feel shame for being what they were, and would feel like they belonged.
That world wouldn’t need separate communities of identity to validate every person’s worth.
I get that this isn’t the world as it is, but as it should be. However, I believe we need to keep in mind that it is the world we should be working toward. Of course we have to make adjustments for the world as it is, not how we wish it to be. Yet, it is important that we remember that we are striving for a world where everyone is accepted as they are born, and not judged by the ideals of a portion of the population. No one should have to feel they need to be part of some separate community to be accepted.
In the world we want, to be human is the only entrance requirement.
2
I'm happy for Charles. I don't understand the identity of bisexual though. I understand the sexual attraction to a human being regardless of their sexual identity and physical form but I believe emotionally and physically we prefer one over the other.
I enjoy all flavors of ice cream but chocolate is my favorite.
2
Beautiful! Your words gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes. I hope that at least one lost soul finds courage and comfort in your words. I also hope that this opera gives hope and courage to hundreds, if not thousands.
6
Having to daily follow the rantings of our misbegotten current government, it has been so refreshing to read Charles Blow's columns, for my sanity. I had no idea about this history, but, wow, it gives me so much hope for today, for sanity, for just being, still, in this crazy world at this horrid juncture for our country. Maybe it will get better after all in many ways, and for many good people dealing with many different and difficult things.
Thank you, Mr. Blow.
7
"Why had I denied myself this incredible sense of freedom and honesty and truth?"
I don’t see this question addressed in this particular column, so I don’t know the author‘s thoughts on this.
My take is that it has to do with the turn towards or away from suffering. It is not easy to move towards suffering, yet I believe that is the direction one needs to turn towards, not as a victim but as an understanding of one’s experience.
I believe that the relevant truth is not that Blow was abused, but the myriad perturbations that his experience imparted to his life, and the courage and intelligence that was invoked by him to discover the source of his suffering.
I admire the courage, intelligence and compassion that he demonstrates in his writing.
2
Only this kind of growth could produce such a voice in the wilderness. Best wishes, and thanks for the education.
2
"The act of saying it began the reparation of the damage it had done. And, it helped me to see that the vast majority of the damage was caused by trying to keep the offense in the dark."
The whole article is so good, but this quote stood out for me. How much human energy goes into hiding our shame and pain, even though those things are so universally experienced!
The fear of a thing is almost always worse than the thing itself.
4
Mr. Blow.
I often disagree with your politics and sociology but this column proves what i have always thought; you are one powerful writer.
I am glad for you that you are dealing with your past and, while not having experienced your trauma, I agree with the general statement that "It gets better"
Thank you for this insight into both your life and healing in general.
1
Dear Mr. Blow, dear Charles,
Your NYT column once again shows how well you can tackle topics that can be for some difficult to handle. From the first line on, your column reads as a testimony and a confession alike, sincere and from the heart. We who know or have discovered who we really are or admitted to it, have a moral obligation to share our experience with others, with those in search of themselves or frightened of the consequences of coming out. We have to hearten them.
By trying to make our oppressors, our family members, colleagues or friends to try to understand and accept should be seen as a duty, especially today where achievements made by the Pride community could easily be undone by the political leaders in charge.
We have to remember that a recent report showed gay and bisexual men as four times more likely to attempt suicide in their lifetime than heterosexual men. Often because they are confronted with homophobia and stigmatizing attitudes around them or when they opened up to talk about their feelings to people they thought they could trust and even to their doctor or counselor.
Sexual abuse is like a partial crucifixion. The daily effort to cope with the inner terror, shame, guilt, sorrow and rage (which initially you may not even be aware of) uses up such a huge amount of energy you have very little energy left over for just living. Until you can exorcise it that is and that is a very tough journey. But the destination is so worth it, To be relaxed, human and freed up is just marvellous. Not everyone has access to the needed resources and those of us who have had the time, money, courage and emotional support for that journey are incredibly lucky. AndCharles, your columns are always strong and clear.
101
What a wonderful gift, to see your work affirmed in this way. I just had a conversation with someone who called me weeping. She has endured the trials of Job, truly: the loss of a son in war; a daughter ill; debilitating illnesses and physical limitations. She called me from the parking lot of her physician. I felt so helpless. I had nothing to offer. So I listened. And when she hung up to go inside, she felt a little better. This has taken me a long time to understand: that she just needed to talk. She didn't need my advice and she certainly didn't need my judgment.
5
I am glad this helped Mr. Blow.
But I disagree with him in promoting the notion that every person will be better off if the most private and awful trauma of each person’s life is revealed to the world.
Some people want privacy about the pain. They may disclose it to a therapist and a handful of close people, but wish no one else to know the details.
Surely Mr. Blow recognizes that rape victims often want and deserve such privacy. It should not be impossible they are not the only people who feel that way.
85
@Jean --- I didn't read it, he doesn't encourage each person revealing their most private and awful trauma to the world, at least not in the sense of "write a book and tell the WHOLE world." Rather, I understood him to be emphasizing the importance of not repressing your trauma, because you will find it controlling you in ways you never expected. Telling your truth to someone --- therapist, spouse, trusted friend, diary --- and getting help to process what it means & has meant to you (even writing it down and writing about how it has affected you counts), is an important way of coping with, and getting out from under, experiences like this.
69
@Jean "rape victims often want and deserve such privacy"...
As a rape victim myself, the main reason I wanted privacy was because I had been convinced that it was somehow my fault that I was raped.
Once I understood that the rape was not my fault, but solely the fault of the rapists, I no longer needed that "privacy". I also no longer suffer shame for what was done to me.
55
@Jean I agree with some of the other thoughts shared. I did not read Mr. Blow's opinion as advice to go and share a painful or traumatic story with the world, but rather, not to try and bear the burden alone. Be brave enough to let others, be it close friends or family or therapist as you suggest, help in processing the pain. Part of the exploration of this piece is what it means to be "a man" in our society, and how should men address their feelings, especially ones that arise as a result of abuse. All of us will or have experienced pain that is much too much to hold inside. There is a line from this story, "You've got to leave it in the road. Let it go, move on." In my personal experience, this was only possible when I was willing to open up and share my experience. Then, my pain no longer controlled me.
12
Mr. Blow, you have inspired me to read your book. I hope I get the chance to see the opera as well. I wrote a play about an intense personal experience I had in the hopes of gaining some closure, and though it was received well by the audience, I was shocked by how exposed and ashamed I felt watching it. Your description of the freedom you felt at seeing your story onstage encourages me to continue writing. Thank you for sharing your heart with the world.
111
I believe it was Colleen Dewhurst who said on the art of acting, "If you strip for the audience (metaphorically), the audience will strip for you."
Our shared naked and vulnerable humanity is really the only truth that sets us free. Thank you Sir, for the gift that keeps on giving, in your columns and in sharing your life story on the deeper, profound level we aspire to.
140
@Hugh McElyea you have put into words what I was thinking. Mr. Blow, thank you for being so honest, proud (in a good way) and an example for how to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
5
Charles's essay doesn't raise, but rather inspires the question: What is "opening up"? Not everyone writes a book, and probably some of those who do don't get readers. How much of the value of opening up is quantity and how much is the quality of it? People come to me, a therapist, and open up. Until Blow's article, it never occurred to me to wonder: Is that enough? Many of these are teens whose parents still do not accept them. The wave of courageous disclosure may not travel very far and the person may fall back into himself. Charles has got me thinking.
85
Oh, I want to write something, but am still digesting this poignant essay. I will start at the beginning I suppose. Although not one of us has had the identical experience as another or are we exact in our genetic make-up, I believe that many of us have had something in our past that we carried within too long. Whether it be a trauma as Charles had as a victim, or whether we victimized ourselves due to internal insecurities, we sooner or later must forgive ourselves. Yes, we need consciences and moral compasses, but there is a danger that guilt can be taken to the extreme and almost be as destructive as the events themselves. Charles, you are a mentor to those who suffer daily. You have shown that in facing your past, you have freed yourself and in a sense have been reborn. We after all are human beings, not perfect by any means. Yet, we are worthy of dignity and of love, from others and toward ourselves. Finally, I truly hope that I have the opportunity to see this moving play about Charles' life. Will we be lucky enough for it to come to the Bay Area? I sure hope so.
117
@Kathy Lollock - I teared up, and I cheered too, reading your comment...
2
I read and loved your book. I love this column as it feels like a paean to the wonders and satisfactions of growing in self acceptance and self knowledge. I love how it shows that hard personal experiences can be lightened through self expression and support and how, indeed, it can get better for those dealing with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse.
Thank you for this piece. Happy Father’s Day.
96
I’ve always appreciated your writing but had no idea about your personal life. Quite honestly it doesn’t change much for me. I’ve always believed any good artist expresses their reality through their work and their private life is ...well....private.
6
Thank you Charles Blow for this essay, your gifts and written insights. This essay is required reading for all of us, but especially our young people. The twisted poisons of guilt and shame conspire to keep us from who we truly are and what we can give to the world.
If we want a better world we must commit to bring better selves. It does get better when we do the work as you have done. Bravo!
4
Thank you, Charles.
5
Dear Mr. Blow: thank you.
5
During Pride Month I would like to bring up a subject that has remained taboo until now and that is the psychiatric abuse of homosexual children. I have published a book about it called What Rough Beast but it has gone unnoticed. How many adolescent homosexual children of my generation were driven to suicide or psychosis by homophobic psychiatrists? We will never know. All I know is that my book reveals the horrors that I was forced to undergo in the sixties and no one seems to care.
8
@Robert Dole Sometimes we have a small target audience, and many of them are afraid to remember, much less speak. You put your story out there. It is ready for the right person to read. That is enough.
Bravo!
5
Thanks Charles Blow. It does get better. Dragging the ghosts into the light makes them less scary. I like to think of three families rather than two: the one we are born into (no say), the one we partner into (no say tambien), and then there is the third family, the one we build out of love (to help us navigate families 1 and 2).
Thanks for your insights and your writing. Like they say, All the news that's fit to print.
3
I look forward to Mr. Blow’s columns every week. He seemed to be MIA a few weeks back, and I remember actually missing his erudition and tell-it-like-it-really-is approach to journalism.
That he suffered and overcame a history of sexual abuse provides further insight into his unyielding and strident stances on subjects that are deleterious to his fellow man, our nation, and the world. I have always respected him (and agreed with, mostly) the positions he’s taken. I now congratulate him on knowing and speaking his own truth!
7
God bless you for writing this, Mr. Blow, and may peace remain with you forever.
5
There is the experience, and then there is the person's struggle with and response to it. Two very different things.
I know now why you are the unflinching yet compassionate person you are.
Reminds me of that "There are places in the heart..." quotation.
7
The folk/rock singer/writer Jackson Brown has a song about liberation from old injuries and the haunting of events in one's past. It, too, is a hopeful statement that might have preceded the arrival of the truth it proclaims, perhaps an effort to will into being the sentiments expressed. It is my anthem and, yes, it, life, has gotten better.
From Jackson Browne:
I want to live in the world, not inside my head
I want to live in the world, I want to stand and be counted
With the hopeful and the willing
With the open and the strong
With the voices in the darkness
Fashioning daylight out of song
And the millions of lovers
Alive in the world
I want to live in the world, not behind some wall
I want to live in the world, where I will hear if another voice should call
To the prisoner inside me
To the captive of my doubt
Who among his fantasies harbors the dream of breaking out
And taking his chances
Alive in the world
To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world
With its beauty and its cruelty
With its heartbreak and its joy
With it constantly giving birth to life and to forces that destroy
And the infinite power of change
Alive in the world
To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world
To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world
https://tinyurl.com/yxo2otqw
9
Powerful piece. Several years ago, I stood on the spot on Berlin where the book burning took place, and learned about Magnus Hirschfeld, who studied human sexual variability. I never forgot that term. Variability. Difference. Not all the same. Like being an introvert, extrovert, good at math, math phobic, musician, artist, speaker, writer. Just human. Had Hirschfeld's works survived, I might have been taught that homosexuality in men was not the same as pedophilia. And perhaps the word gay would still be used to describe a sense of happiness that other words can't.
7
I always read your columns because I most often agree with you, but more importantly because you have that rare ability to express complex ideas with great clarity and candor. Even when I find myself disagreeing with you, I never question your motives. You are, from where I sit, the most self aware of the Times opinion writers. Until now I had no idea where that came from. Thank you for helping me better understand the person behind the voice. Regarding the opera about your life: Bravo!
13
“It is never too late for you to marshal the courage to be truly and fully yourself. Also, every identity is valid, as long as it's honest. And, there are two kinds of family: the ones we are born into and the ones we create. Create your own communities of affirmation.”
Every word a hammer blow. Thank you.
5
Mr Blow, "praying don't work no more", the quote isn't exactly word for word, but it comes into my thoughts frequently. When I want to comfort a loved or dear one, the words, I'll keep you in my prayers, just fail. If I spoke or wrote that I'd be insincere. I find other ways.
Thank you, every day.
4
Great column, so glad you’re feeling better and healing after sharing your story with us (I very much liked your book). Children are so easily victimized first by others and then by their self-sustaining secret narratives. Glad you took control over your story.
4
This is Mr. Blow’s June gift to the LGBT (and yes, binary) community. He means
it to last every month and for years to come. It is unwrapped, unvarnished, and
singularly beautiful. Thank you, Charles Blow.
5
Wow. For the past two years I have admired and been deeply grateful for your courage and boldness in speaking out against the obscenity of Donald Trump's presidency. Now I understand where that courage comes from. Bravo.
13
I totally understand Mr. Blow’s description of finding that the pain and suffering from sexual abuse had diminished as a result of opening up and telling his story. I had a traumatic medical experience as a child that resulted in entering into destructive relationships. In therapy decades later, I was finally able to put into words and describe this “wound”. With great trepidation, I walked through the experience and worked through the emotions connected to it with my therapist as my guide. In time and still today, I can reflect on this “wound” and find that it has healed over - still there but softened into a scar on my soul but not the gaping wound that it had been for so long.
7
In some ways, it probably always got better if people survived, matured, escaped their childhood situation, left damaging religions, and created their own family of friends.
But things have gotten much better in general over the past 50 years because of political activism.
That fact, that major societal change is possible, is something to hold onto in these dark days.
6
Simply a beautiful piece of work.
It applies not only to the gay community but all of us. Imagine if everyone could stand up in front of the world and explain who they are and why and then be fully accepted. Think you much happier this world would be.
20
I am a gay man who also came out late in life when I was 29. At work I am still mostly closeted though some now know, though I did swear that were I to ever land another job, never again would I be that way. It does get better and I wouldn't trade my experiences over the last 20 years for anything. Happy Pride Charles.
10
It does get better -- facing and telling what happened -- no matter what are the specifics of the torture and self-denial. All the suffering gets better for facing it and letting others know about it, standing up for oneself. Thank you, Mr. Blow.
5
Dear Charles,
I always resonate deeply with every column you write. I haven't read your book--but intend to now. In these terrible times for our country, I am grateful that there are clear-thinking, courageous souls out there like yourself. Keep writing and thank you.
17
Like so many others of your columns, this one was truly uplifting! I am so happy for you that you have come to resolution and joy in your life. Please keep inspiring us with you work!
11
Thank you for the truth and integrity of your every column. And congrats on your opera. I wish I could see it.
22
I came out as a bisexual man when I was 30, late in life as well. My family didn't affirm my identity and played it off as a phase and my LGBT friends similarly couldn't understand how someone could be attracted to both genders. After telling a few close friends and family I stopped talking about it because I don't feel accepted in either community. I just wanted to say that I appreciate you talking about it here - I hope that more men come out as bisexual so that people can have a better understanding of it.
21
Pain, anger, optimism, pessimism. Your columns can have one or all of these. Always an interesting and thought provoking read. Don't always agree but always enjoy.
7
On those “doubt-days” of personal anguish a close friend and I trade the words JUST. KEEP. GOING. to do just that...just keep going. Now added to our encouraging words, with many thanks to you...IT. DOES. GET. BETTER.
JUST. KEEP. GOING. IT. DOES. GET. BETTER.
Perfect.
16
It got better for me also. Growing up gay in the America of the 1950's and '60's was unspeakably painful, and I finally came out in 1985--at the height of the AIDS crisis--at the age of 36, ending a 14-year heterosexual marriage. And like you, Charles, I have regretted not doing it sooner, but the fear was immobilizing.
Nevertheless, I agree that "it is never too late for you to marshal the courage to be truly and fully yourself. " However, this marshaling of courage does not happen by itself. It is either borne of desperation, as I wondered every morning whether to get on the train or under it, or by seeking professional help, which I did only in the aftermath. One must be willing to "do the work," as analysts and analysands say, and this point cannot be overstated.
21
What we continue to get from all your pieces is honesty that sets a standard in these difficult times. That you have been strong enough and willing to share this with your readers is a great gift and one deeply appreciated.
Thank you.
34
Mr. Blow thank you again for having the moral and personal courage to tell your truths. They bring light to the world; as you feel your own lightness and freedom in telling your story you help others do so as well.
In this age of disinformation passing as reality, being true to ourselves becomes more and more important every day. Speaking the truth is liberating personally and socially. In doing so we help keep the world sane, balanced, we bring light to the darkness that has fallen over us.
Thank you Mr. Blow for being true and continuing to bring that light in your words and actions.
24
The more I learn about you, the more I respect and admire you. This column does more, however. The intimacy you create in this piece draws me into a closer, warmer, sense of connection with you. Thank you for sharing yourself so deeply with your readers. I would be honored if I might call you my brother.
21
To reveal or to conceal is the question.
Revealing actions for which you are innocent is one thing, but what about the ones where we are the bad actor?
Do we really want everyone to see us warts and all?
I certainly don't have the final, wise answer. Maybe "sometimes" is the correct answer, because every situation is at least slightly different, isn't it?
Charles comes out here looking courageous, if these comments are to be believed.
But many of the average person's deeds, I believe, are not courageous; on the contrary, they're selfish, hurtful, and even unforgivable. Off the top of my layman's head, I would not recommend that you broadcast those, for your own benefit, maybe even your survival.
Charles chose a path, and it seems the right one. It worked for him. If we all laid bare our soul, however, I wouldn't expect universal understanding, acceptance, and respect, unless you live in a company of angels.
So, using what little light I have to see, I'm going to remain silent about many embarrassing, sad, or awful things in my life, especially the ones for which I am the perpetrator. It would, I fear, do much more harm than good. Many biographical facts just are not uplifting in any way at any time in any place. The saying, ignorance is bliss, retains some value.
7
@I have to agree. There are too many people ready to pounce with phrases like "I knew it all along" or "I told you so." I can't imagine the pain a person could cause by telling the truth about everything, but it would be an interesting premise for a story. In fact, didn't they make a movie like that called "Liar, Liar"?
No one would say you have to publish a book or newspaper column coming out to the entire world about your misdeeds, but if you could apologize to the person or people you hurt, you might find forgiveness from them, and maybe even from yourself. Everyone does bad things sometimes.
1
I totally agree with Muncy. There is this reflex response to copy-cat famous people who have a compulsion to talk about themselves for whatever reason. But the world is far more mean spirited than ever before whether you are famous or not. So yes, be judicious people.
That said, if it worked for Blow, who I disagree with about just about everything going on in the world, then good for him. Now give yourself a rest, please. Especially when it is about YOU.
What an interesting experience. I'm not sure I'm qualified to comment in any way, but I can acknowledge what you've written and the extraordinary privilege that it has been to live it.
7
I am so pleased that your story is being told and within your story are all of our stories . A great way to start the week
28
Thank you again for your strong ethical powerful voice. In my work I have the privilege of seeing people with stories and identities for whom it is a struggle to simply be, similar to yours but of course unique. The opera sounds immensely powerful, and may also help someone greatly. I will be sharing your column and your book. And please Mr. Blow, please continue your unflinching way of speaking truth to power.
39
I just love you, Charles. Just love you! And I'm so much richer for loving you. Thanks for the honor of such love.
I know I'm not alone in feeling such love.
52
Congratulations on this remarkable milestone of acceptance and caring of yourself and those close around you. Thank you for sharing your experience with many others through your words and, now, this beautiful play. Looking forward to see it. Thank you!
15
Living the past or trying to live the future is most stressful. Living the present understanding the past while anticipating and trying to improve one's future is the proper way to live. For many it's not possible. For those who transcend, it's a healthy and most enjoyable experience. Mr. Blow, thank you for sharing...
25
I have always thought of you as a brilliant writer with a powerful voice, but now I see a depth in you I never imagined. Go well, sweet man.
55
Mr. Blow--thank you again for a column that pierces and celebrates our humanness. But this time we see that your wisdom is grounded by your own struggle. Like some of the other commentators, I didn't know about your memoir. I will be happy to read it now.
It is also a reminder for all of us that silence and denial are tumors that grow until we recognize them and excise them.
What a lovely way to begin the week!! Thank you again, Mr. Blow.
41
How wonderful! All of it, your resilience and strength and the tribute to your life and how the tribute will help others, how you have helped others by making your story known. Thank you, Mr Blow, for your honesty and bravery!
20
Stunningly simple and elegant. Thank you for your voice and your words, all of your words, always.
40
CHARLES IS FORTUNATE To have dedicated admirers, artists and friends constructing a symbolic monument to his traumas, struggles and ultimate liberation. The great soprano, Leontyne Price, referred to opera as grandiose. How remarkable to have one's struggles expressed in such a powerful way!
16
Beautiful. Thank you!
Each of those affected by childhood sexual abuse must claim their voice in their own way. My son was adopted out of a very abusive home. The effects of the abuse include PTSD. Five years ago he discovered Hidden Water, a NYC-based nonprofit that works to give voice through healing circles. Because the entire family system is affected by abuse, they conduct circles for the survivors of abuse, family members, non-abusing parents, and the perpetrators. I witnessed the healing that occurred when my son participated on his first circle; and the healing that continued as he trained and began keeping circles for other survivors. I experienced my own healing as his family member in my own first circle. And, I experience it deepen each time I am keeping circle for other family members.
Find your voice, in whatever way is right for you, and enter your healing journey.
27
Again and again, Charles Blow brings us fundamental truths in beautifully written nuggets. Thank you, Charles, for this beautiful, inspiring column.
49
All of us hide devils . It takes strength to confront them.
25
This is lovely. Thank you.
21
You are a wonderful soul.
19
We are ALL made in God's image.
And the sooner we ALL recognize that the better off we will ALL be.
Cheers to you, Charles!
18
Thank you. Simply, thank you. I like you as a columnist, and now love you as a human being.
28
I look to Charles Blow's columns as a true north on political issues, the columnist whose opinions I most value. That he would share his story with such searing honesty makes my affection and regard for him even deeper.
It always amazes me how much beauty can bloom even from the most arid soil. Blow is a desert rose. I hope millions of young people struggling with some of the issues he faced will find their own bloom.
34
@nancy hicks
ABSOLUTELY.
"Concealment makes the soul a swamp; confession is how you drain it" says the man who had nothing but vitriol when Liam Neeson came clean about his own shameful past thoughts.
4
@Seth D.
Please point me to the column(s) to which you refer.
2
It’s too bad the production doesn’t accurately depict Charles’ life. I didn’t know it was going to fictional.
Beautiful!
5
This is a profound gift to all of us. Thank you, Charles Blow.
10
I absolutely love this writer. He is visionary in so many ways. Thank you, Charles M. Blow, for everything you do.
22
Thank you for this, for your story, and for being you.
10
Thank you for this and all your other columns.
Your talented and heartfelt writing consistently blows me away (no pun intended.)
Happy Father’s Day
10
Dear Mr. Blow: it only matters what you think of yourself.
Most of us out here, who read your columns, are strangers. Most of us, I think (and I pray) are patient and kind and open to the humanness of your experience. Judgment is an awful thing. When we stand as judge, jury and executioner over another person, the feeling (to me, at any rate) is awful and unworthy. We do not have that right; the right to define your soul. Only God owns that.
It's liberating to walk out of the darkened closet--literally or figuratively--the choice is yours. You chose to share with us your anguish. You say you felt shame yet you needn't feel that kind of self-flagellation. Those of us who love you from afar do not question you. Those others who do do not matter. They live to hurt and to hate. Do not fall into their trap.
I also think that you have brought to your larger community--the queer community as you call them--a sense of worth and self-redemption. No explanation or excuse is necessary. Be what you are. Thank you. And bless you.
24
Thanks, Charles for your brilliance, bravery and strength.
17
Bless you and Godspeed going forward.
11
Loved your article, and my only comment is a lot of pain and internal suffering could have been eliminated if we were not totally brainwashed by church and religion throughout the ages. Love is all we need
22
Wow, congrats Charles. It's hard to face the truth, but I take comfort in the fact that you only have to do it once.
"wun & dun"
5
Beautifully expressed. Thank you.
11
Thank you for telling us not only this truth, but for telling us so many.
12
Beautiful essay.
10
The harsh truths people live through can make them or break them. It seems yours helped form your compassion and insight and helped you rebel against injustice and cruelty. You would have had those gifts anyway, but it seems adversity made them more keen and powerful. You’re the best possible you and that is why you have so many devoted readers.
18
Moving and inspirational. Your family must be so proud of you.
12
This is just wonderful Charles Blow. I follow you. I may be a 71 year old white woman, ex-hippie from Berkeley in the 60's, but I typically agree with you more than other people my own age. Please keep up and good work and life. I am sorry I am not in NYC to see this opera for myself.
24
Enjoy your good fortune gloriously!
5
@James Ricciardi
And remember those who are less fortunate. Please
Wonderful and powerfully written article! Great job Mr. Blow !
11
Last night on a special Father's Day edition, 60 Minutes ran a story about an opera singer who received the following advice from his fourth grade teacher: This moment doesn't define you. It sounds like you took that advice as well. Bravo!
11
“Concealment makes the soul a swamp; confession is how you drain it.” Profoundly simple and true. Thank you for your clarity on both political and personal topics.
10
Big love for loving yourself. Big love to your book. Big love to your opera. Big love for being loved. Big love.
8
Good for you, Mr. Blow.
I have been a big fan of your no-holds-barred, passionate but accurate take on the news, especially of the current administration. I look for you of all the Times columnists, to reflect my own anger toward those who would prevent America from being the beacon of democracy it’s supposed to be. To know that your passion for truth derives from your past struggles with injustice in the form of childhood sexual abuse is both shocking and confirming.
I salute you, your struggles, your clarion calls to reveal the passionate desire for truth.
You are an American original and a national treasure.
15
Sing it, brother Charles Blow !
We are fortunate to have this gifted voice and neo-Frederick Douglass grace the pages of the New York Times.
And what a powerful title, “Fire Shut Up in My Bones”, from a powerful writer and powerful conscience.
43
Sitting here thinking, I never knew about your earlier life and who you are Charles, other than your columns, and really don't know what to say.
So I'll just thank you for who you are, a good man, writer and truth teller that I admire.
Take care Charles M. Blow, we love you.
18
What an outstanding and lovely human being. You are hope.
9
The greatest art comes from truth, laid bare without shame. When we stop thinking what other people think, we grow and live our best lives. After all, are the people who would judge us really all that special/incredible/enlightened/honest with themselves? Let them be the spectators standing on the platform as your train whizzes by.
14
Once we who have been abused are able to see the abuse clearly, we are able to quickly identify abusers. I would guess that this is why Mr. Blow knew that our president is a predator long before many were able to admit it. Mr. Blow is able to call out the wrong doings of Mr. Trump and his cohorts with clarity and accuracy.
Thank you for being our light during this dark time.
13
I’ve never been physically or sexually abused in my life and I, like most Americans, could see Trump for who he is. I’ve believed from the beginning of this disaster that those who followed Trump and supported him had either grabbed or been grabbed and have yet to deal with their own abuse.
3
I love your columns, and this was a beautiful article.
6
Incredibly beautiful story Mr. Blow! It is a blessing to read it.
6
Another reader's comment goes for me, too:
<< Glad you are whole and well, and ... keep on writing! >>
Thank you, Mr. Blow. You are irreplaceable. Many times since November 2016, your column has rescued my day.
30
We read your column in the New York Times regularly and enjoy it immensely. We enjoyed your appearance on Bill Maher's show recently. You enthusiastically and intelligently opine in accord with our own views, for the most part. We are happy to know of your success in dealing with your personal issues culminating in the depiction of your story on Saturday night in St.Louis. Congratulations. Keep up the good work. Peace.
15
Wow! I believe I'd known a slight bit about your nature, Charles, when I started reading your column some years ago. But I had totally forgotten it all, simply happy just to have someone to turn to who could gracefully and forcefully express so many of the thoughts that I myself had, but could not adequately articulate. Glad you are whole and well, and ... keep on writing!
18
Having read with deep respect your honest, personal memoir, it never seemed to be about the subject of sexual abuse though that was one of the themes. Rather it seemed a a rich story about self discovery and the realization of personal power and identity. It seems you have risen beyond events that may have destroyed someone with less character and support. You are a man not afraid of his emotions even as you express yourself so well to all of your readers. So to me your book was more about the love revealed within yourself and your family that was always the important thing.
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself over the years and best of everything to your family.
17
I read every column you write, Mr. Blow.
Your words always speak the truth. That this opera speaks your personal truth is a gift to the art and to the world.
Thank you for sharing your truth, your story and your triumph. You have helped more people than you will ever know.
16
Charles (and I call you Charles because I feel I know you well enough from reading your columns for the past several years),
I read your memoir when it came out and it gave me the courage to write about the shame and stigma of having siblings with sickle-cell disease. That piece will be published in the Nigerian Tribune on Sickle-cell Day (June 19).
My family will probably hit the roof if they find out I'd chosen to "drain the swamp."
As i concluded in that piece: "the best defense against SCD remains education in the black communities about the importance of genotype testing prior to marriage. In addition, raising public awareness of SCD should remove the stigma attached to the disorder."
12
Dear Charles, thank- you for this wonderful piece. Incredible how every word worked and how solid it felt. I would just love to see this play. Well done and keep going!
12
“Concealment makes the soul a swamp” speaks to all of us. Grateful for your words and your work.
21
Wow - what a courageous act to open your personal story to others - and a boon for the opera world as well, to have this compelling contemporary story to tell.
16
Thank you so much! Not only for sharing your story, but providing encouragement through your example to publish mine.
Both as a psychotherapist and personally, I know the value of facing and dealing with one's past, and how once dealt with, it no longer has a hold on you. So powerful and liberating.
I always look forward to reading your columns, and now I know why: you bring a depth of life experience to your perspective and your opinions. Bless you! Keep up the great work!
38
Thank you for sharing your profound story. Not only liberating for you but for many of us.
19
This is a wonderful column Charles- I have always found your writing passionate, thoughtful and fearless. Thank you for speaking truth. The words of encouragement to those not so fortunate to be past the tumultuous emotions of figuring out ones self were a beautiful shout out. All the best to you, you have earned it.
39
I now can understand far better the roots of both Mr Blow's compassion and his passion as an opinion thought leader in and beyond these pages.
I weep for the child who endured such pain and I applaud the man Mr Blow has become, because THIS is resilience - and a lesson for humanity.
106
@common sense advocate
Actually, I think it's more than resilience.
Grappling with painful experiences can make a person weaker or stronger, better or worse.
I believe that it has given Charles some of his depth and compassion.
1
@Tokyo Tea - thanks for your note. I doubt we disagree - I was probably too glib in summing up a person with the label resilience, especially when it's such a buzzword these days. Mr Blow is intellectually gifted and uniquely talented with a voice that speaks for those who aren't able to - with an emotional IQ that has served him, and millions of his readers, staunchly and heroically.
4
Thank for your courage Charles. Beaucoup de courage.
28
This is fantastic. Karen Slack is outstanding! And Terence Blanchard a wonderful composer- got to see his piece "Champion" in San Francisco a while back. I would love to see this.
21
Charles,
Your gift is a gift to us all. Sharing your thoughts in your column on the important issues of our time is evidence of the inherent benefit of a life dedicated to finding the truth.
44
I started to write 'thanks for your bravery' but that's presumptuous.
Thanks instead for the inspirational account of being scared, and brave, and showing how it's possible to transcend the trauma inflicted by others.
Even more powerful than the concept of being the star of one's own opera (a metaphor for most of us!) is the idea that the way others see us can be very different from how we perceive that view (or imagine how they'd react, if they really knew...)
If we could issue a survival manual to all teenagers, it'd include this piece.
41
What we all strive for, speaking our truth. Getting it into the sunlight. So happy for you.
32
touched by this column..bravo to you for your courage. i mostly read these comments to see if anyone DARED say anything negative..no. all good. hurray!!
27
I love truth and I love opera. There is nothing we need more.
We were never meant to speak in prose. It was earlier this week that I realized that "Of the people, by the people and for the people" was the Hebrew poetry Jefferson knew so well and how ill equipped today's lawyers are to deal with poetic lyrics and profound truth.
Our Torah is poetry set to music. The King James Version is a crime against humanity. Without Samuel Johnson to translate poetry there would have been no America.And the evening and the morning were the first day.
Thank you Charles
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@Montreal Moe What does the Torah say about hasty judgment, dubious literary taste or irrational prejudice? The King James bible is a masterwork of Western culture.
It also has the New Testament, including the Sermon on the Mount, a veritable textbook for living happily on this planet. It was, I believe, a speech by a Jewish rabblerouser whom the authorities and priests of the day put to death for being contrary to their prejudices.
Wow! Thank you for you beautiful words. I love your commentaries and now my love deepens with this beautiful expression of yourself. Thank you sincerely.
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I doubt that your personal experiences alone shaped the values that inform your columns. Those writings reflect a deep ethical sense that transcends such experiences. But the passion with which you write surely must arise in part from the fact that you can identify with people who have suffered some form of abuse.
I have always enjoyed and learned from your opinion pieces, even when I did not agree with all your conclusions.
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What a beautiful piece.
I am a white cisgender male, never sexually abused, never conflicted about my sexuality, utterly “boring.”
But I feel deeply the pain and passion and joy here. I always love your writing but this is something beyond special.
What a beautiful piece.
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I am a fan; I read most, if not all your posts, even saw ya on Bill Maher 1 1/2 weeks ago. What more to say to you then, keep on- keeping on!
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"Once I revealed to the world the fullness of my journey and my truth, I was overcome by a profound feeling of regret that I had not done so sooner."
No regrets, Sir, the good you do with your column far outweighs not speaking that particular personal truth sooner. I had no idea of your difficult journey, only recognizing your words ringing with bell clarity and knowing you must be a good father as well. Thank you for your unrelenting political commentary.
Happy Father's Day and onward!
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Bravo, for your courage, Mr. Blow. Thank you for all your writings and the license given, or agreed to, in the adaptation of the opera. It is a gift to those who can not live or speak truth to their lives as you did with yours. It does strengthen others and exemplifies how and who we might be to one another. You have come far, as you stated, and bring others along the path as well.
I see the performance next week!
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Thank you. Your courage has indeed made it get better.
For all the untold people going through what you have - as abuse victims, as those who have questioned their orientation, as those who lived under the weight of unresolved anger - your honesty, openness and introspection have made things better. When secrets are seen no longer as shameful, but as shared human struggles, difficulties become more bearable. And if you could endure all that you have, and still come out solidly: with integrity, with a prestigious career, and with smart, beautiful children, so too can our lives turn around.
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Thank you so much for writing this.
I have enjoyed your articles for years, appreciating you as one of the bigger voices for sanity and humanity at the NYT's.
I never once looked into who you are as a larger person. I don't remember the NYT's mentioning your book at the end of your articles.
I am so glad that you are happy with this stage version of your life and struggles.
Very best wishes. It will get better. What a wonderful message for us all.
We just have to make sure that we do the politically necessary to make it so for the generations that come after us.
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It's uplifting and refreshing to read such a genuine, transparent, open-hearted piece, and from one of my favorite opinion writers in the world! Thanks Mr. Blow for sharing of yourself so generously. If many more of us engaged in the work of reflection and personal growth, we would not have the political, social, economic, and environmental crisis we have today.
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The openness of truth tends to offer relief. Thankfully notions of sexuality, what is right or wrong, moral or immoral fades almost daily as a judgement of a person. Mayor Pete promises to force a profound shift with his candidacy in the Democratic primary. Charles, a gifted writer keen observer, presents life as it is. A little uneven unpredictable with hope a constant.
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Most of us don't have such notably harsh circumstances that it would interest the rest of the world to hear about them. But most of us have our private traumas, and they can affect us profoundly even if our lives are blessed overall. Coming to understand our traumas, recognize their impacts, accept ourselves, and envision our ability to triumph over them can be transformational. I'm thankful that you revealed your journey to the world. For most of us, the freedom and honesty and truth and acceptance that you describe are what allow things to get better, with our private journeys shared narrowly or broadly as serves us most naturally.
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Recipients
As a result of your column about your memoir being made into an opera and revelation of your life and all its pain and challenges, I am wondering if your readers will wind up falling into 4 distinct camps.
The first camp can be dismissed out of hand, namely the sycophantic supporters of the president who read your columns and deny the truth in them.
The second camp are the many readers who admire your writing and your quest for the truth but who did not know you had written this memoir made into an Opera and simply based their admiration on your written words.
The third camp are those who knew of your memoir and admired you for both your written columns and this latest one, admiring you even more for continuing the truth about yourself.
And then their is the fourth camp and it may be difficult to assess the number in that camp because - like me who loves opera but is so far away from ever being expert at knowing it - there may be those who have admired your work
but aren't certain how they will read and interpret your columns in the paper from here on out - in other words they may not be able to discern whether your writing comes from the inner pain you have endured or whether you have
been able to separate the painful truth in your own life for the aggressive truth of your columns especially not knowing about your life before.
And then again, the comments about the fourth camp may not make any sense at all!
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I have been a great admirer of Charles Blow for some time based solely on his outstanding columns in the Times. I would not have thought it possible to admire and respect him more than I did already, and yet, now I do.
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@David I didn't know about Mr. Blow's history, either. He is, and always will be for me a brilliant, discerning writer. We are fortunate to have him in our op-ed lives.
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@David
I couldn’t agree more. In fact, I just sent this column to the most important people in my life.
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"It is never too late for you to marshal the courage to be truly and fully yourself."
This is the most resonantly optimistic thing I've read in a long time. Thanks for this.
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@ridgeguy - thank you so much for pulling out this quote. There were so many goosebumps moments in Mr Blow's piece, that this one, at a time when I and many others are fighting to marshal courage and optimism - deserves its own space as a glorious call to action.
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I begin, however imperfectly, to understand the source of the moral clarity and deep truth in every one of your columns.
A friend, with whom I share an ongoing discussion of politics, and I have referred to you always as "Mr Blow", as a token of respect for the uncommon depth, clarity and generosity of your perception and your analysis. Thank you for everything you share with us.
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"The act of saying it began the reparation of the damage it had done. And, it helped me to see that the vast majority of the damage was caused by trying to keep the offense in the dark."
I read your book in 2015, in the winter, a few months after it came out. I found it riveting, harrowing, and somehow recognizable all at the same time.
Recognizable not because I'd had anything like a similar experience. But recognizable because when a writer is gifted, and speaks from the heart, he or she is able to translate feelings in such a way as to generate instant understanding.
I totally get the fact that the opera about you seemed distant from you, because it was. You had already sweated out everything you needed to say, so the peace grew out of the process, not the revisiting, 5 years later.
Writing about one's past can't help but transcend that past as your book did you. Thank you for sharing that recognition with us.
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How many living people can claim an Opera about their life ? Very, very few. I’ve long admired your words and talent, but this is a whole new level. Congratulations, and well deserved.
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An opera about their life?
Hmmmmm, Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes immediately to mind. The operatic tributes are beautiful, powerful affirmations of two professional paths founded on passion and moral clarity. The two so admired continue to serve their readers through reasoning and artful writing.
And, I, together with many commenters, feel joy to read something uplifting, some good and moving thoughts in this time of — of not enough writing that inspires.
Thank you, Mr. Blow.
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I have enjoyed the directness, clarity, and conciseness of your narratives these last few years after becoming a NYT subscriber. This essay adds even more to a writer and person I admire (if even limited to the NYT context thus far). You are an amazing person. And I shall continue looking forward to reading more about you and more from you.
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Beautiful of you to share...When a weight lifts off one there is nothing like it.
Not all are so lucky. There's that too.
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@Warren Roos
I think that is one reason why what Mr. Blow says in this column is so important- if it gives one other person the hope they need to move past fear and self doubt (and judging from the comments, it’s moved many more than just one), then it has been a terrific success.....
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This is just a phenomenally beautiful piece, incredibly heartfelt and touching. It reflects that Charles is just an incredible person, not just astute and brilliant on the current political mess, but also a person with a broad and compassionate understanding of contemporary life. I am in tears. Bravo, Charles!
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In reading your Op Ed pieces of late I have marveled at your ability to write with particular clarity. I admire how few words you use to express such deeply insightful thoughts. In a climate of excessive talking and exposure to words of little use it is refreshing to read commentary that makes a clear and often profound point .
Watching your words on stage spoken by others must have been a truly powerful experience. Recognizing that you have grown from past experiences and come to be who you are and be appreciated so deeply by others as our voice, is indeed a triumph Mr. Blow.
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What a beautiful piece. Until I stopped running from the truth, I was in such pain. Being honest brought me the kind of freedom and strength I never knew existed.
You are so right: It does get better.
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I was moved by your memoir, Mr. Blow, and even more so by your piece that appears today. It must be quite an overwhelming event to witness a review of your own life, performed by others who have taken their time and perfected their art to express that life, while you are sitting there witnessing it all in in the real time of a mirror, surrounded by many strangers who have chosen to be a part of that unique experience.
Well done, Sir.
By all, to all and for all.
BTW, Happy Father's Day!
BTW, Happy Father's Day.
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Thank you. Your courage is a blessing for us all.
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Thank you, Charles. You are my favorite columnist. I’m sure others, like me, admired your work first and learned this part of your story second. What a powerful way to show the world that we are not defined by our stories. We are defined by what we do with them.
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@Ellen Vee
Part of Mr. Blow's story is his bisexuality, which often leads to rejection by both straights, and even by gays, who seem to have trouble accepting that it's a genuine thing.
For what it's worth, "Shakespeare" seems to have been bisexual--
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9YH_poTOlrbMzU0YTBkYTEtMDI0My00NWE2LTg2ZDQtODM3ZDQ4MTc0YjZh/edit?hl=en
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I need to now read your book. I am glad you have taken this journey to tell the world who you are, and how you got here. Love reading your columns, have had no idea of the other parts of your history. Congratulations on the show, and on celebrating the person you are.
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Thank you for this beautifully written and inspiring story of your life. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to first speak out, but I'm thankful that you emerged to write your excellent OP ED pieces.
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I am so sorry for what happened to you, Charles, but happy for the person it made you. And how lucky for you and us all that you have artists like Terence Blanchard and Kasi Lemmons to bring this interpretation to the world.
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