I am so grateful I came across your article in the Times. I am in the EXACT situation but more worse off. My three children have not spoken to me in almost 10 years. My x-wife has successfully destroyed my chances of EVERT having a relationship with my children. I was never told my daughter is married with a new baby, never told my son is in forth year of law school,,etc etc. The list is endless in my mind. I've thought of suicide but that would defeat the purpose of them, one day trying to get in touch. I cry every night. Can you help me with suggestive reading or possibly a "gay Dads group" if one even exists? Life doesn't seem worth it without me being involved.
Husband and wife are subsets of spouse, not the other way around. I don’t understand why the gender neutral term isn’t used more often. It is clear on legal status and opaque on details that are no one’s business unless you want them to be.
3
I can understand how the girls felt. Their father wasn't how they known him to be. As a person who has grown without a father in her life I get the fear of the change they were facing. It wasn't that they hated him, it was of what the unknown has brought them. My father is just beginning to come into my life and I've never been more scared. I know I'll end up hurt and so I'm not getting close to him.
The girls are scared that they'll end up hurt, that he's not going to be the same person who raised them and their response is pushing him away. They're also hurt by the new facts. As hurt as he was, the girls were equally hurt and saddened as they thought they would loose their father. As someone who's dealt with people walking in and out of my life, I get their concern; and feeling this way can make a person act out irrationally.
The hurt adn feeling of betrayl was able to leave their mind and although it took some time, the fear was able to leave out of their mind and help them to focus on the new relationships with their father.
6
I clicked on this article because of the title. At first, it was going to be a moving piece about a man who took in a child, raising them as his own. I was not expecting the story that I got. I can only imagine what the daughters must have felt like, but I felt the pain of the man. Coming out as gay while married with children can not be easy. Not only are you just struggling with identity, but now must also battle with the guilt. This man, Bill, knew that it would hurt his family, but did not know how to react. I believe it was very important for him to have met Paul, because Paul was able to help him through the most difficult patch of the journey: preserving the relationship with his children. It is important to understand what Bill has been going through. It could not have been easy for Marisa or Sophie, and I completely understand their feeling of isolation as well. I also understand the fact that all daughters want their dads, and having their father be anything but is difficult. The fact that both parties were able to understand that the only thing about Bill that changed was his sexuality is heartwarming, highlighting that all everyone needs is to feel accepted and loved by someone they feel the same way about.
4
I can only begin to imagine how devastated this man's daughters, not to mention his ex wife, felt when he came out after all those years of marriage and turned his family's life into a dirty joke to be scrawled on schoolroom walls. What a horrid betrayal--I can hardly imagine anything worse than this. I am glad for his daughters's sake if they have been able to forgive him and find peace in their relationship with him, but I don't have any empathy or sympathy for him after his years and years of lying betrayal.
10
@Sophie Hi Sophie! Please accept this in the spirit in which it's given. Would you reconsider your comment about the dad? Think about this: How must he have felt, torn between a rock and a hard place, wanting to be the husband and dad yet the essence of him wanting to go in the diametrically opposed direction? It must have been a very lonely place for him. The fact that there are, in nature, equal and opposing forces must also lead me to say that there must have been niggles, I'm sure, in his wife's mind. I'm also sure that there must have been chinks in her husband's armour, so to say, that probably caused her to wonder about him. Maybe their physical relationship had declined far sooner than she expected it would, in the natural ageing process? Is she to blame for not confronting her husband about his almost invisible mannerisms? No!!! She, like him, was in virgin territory, neither of them having been in this place before. It was a new experience for each of them. We all learn through our INDIVIDUAL passage through this life. It's individual. It's ours, our unique journey through this world. No one else can walk it but we ourselves. No one but the individual themself knows their own mind, if indeed that's truly knowable. What I'm trying, very stutteringly, to say is that our brains are able to cover our deepest emotions even from ourselves and we unknowingly suppress our real self. People in these circumstances must be given latitude to be themselves, no matter the fallout
15
@Sophie, as a straight spouse, an ex-wife who is going through such a scenario myself, with children who have are going through it too, it absolutely is devastating.
thank you for being able to recognize this side of it too.
6
@Andrew - he took his wife’s choice away. she is not to be blamed when red flags start emerging and she stands by him regardless.
he closeted her. and then most likely ripped the closet down around her.
it is completley unfair to start speaking of red flags she possibly saw or felt, and then imply that it’s just the “fallout” that everyone has to endure.
where you are correct, it is also fair that Sophie does not feel empathy for the choices he made when the wife and kids didn’t have equal say.
7
It is, in large part, society's judgemental response to coming out and leaving a marriage that would make Bill's experience and his kid's experiences so much more difficult. Coming to terms with being gay is painful enough without having to worry about the judgement of others. My husband came out after many years of marriage. It was awful and gutwrenching but I was supportive. He didn't do it to hurt me. But what was hardest for him was fearing loss of people close to him. He feared they would judge him. Some did and I told him it was their loss. We all can learn something from this superb article.
35
@Christine
You are a very insightful person. Thank you for this post.
4
At some point you live a lie or you don't. Bill set the best example he could for his kids. What would you do, sacrifice your life in fear of criticism from a fickle public who don't matter?
Kudos to Bill for choosing life.
20
@Mannyv
I wouldn't call abusing steroids in order to 'bulk up' by 40 pounds (oh yeah, he forgot to mention the steroid use in his essay, didn't he ?) and then unleashing my steroid-fueled biker wanna be persona on my teenage daughters to be anything near 'setting the best example for his kids'. This whole 'call me dad' power play was probably triggered by his steroid addled brain, but it's highly doubtful Mr. 'hissing at Marisa through clenched teeth' Bill will ever admit to such a thing.
4
@irene You are assuming he was using steroids. Steroids are not mentioned in the article. Isn't it possible that, by becoming a seasoned gym person, he put in the weight by persistent exercise?
2
@Andrew
I did some more research, you might try it.
Yes he was using steroids, his wife found his
'stash' and that began the outing. (His mother
had known all along about his orientation, but
kept that information from his wife. Ugh.)
So interesting that 'steroids are not mentioned in this article'. The threads of secrecy are woven right into the narrative, are they not ?
Forty pounds is a lot of weight gain. Drastic personality changes are a serious concern.
Both are explained by Bill's use of what is
actually 'synthetic testosterone', which has well known physical and mental side effects.
And yet he gets triggered to the extreme over the 'call me Dad' issue. Instead of owning up to his steroid abuse, he blames his daughters.
Sounds like the same old Bill who lied to his family all those years, to me.
3
Interesting how many people here seem to be comfortable judging the author so negatively. And the elephant in the room is that the whole concept of finding out that their father is homosexual would not be such a huge issue for the author’s daughters if homosexuality was not so stigmatized by society still. As in, this is partly all our fault.
But how is this really worse or more traumatic than if this man had been having an affair with one of his daughters’ best friend’s mother or a female high school math teacher? I really don’t get it. If my husband told me that he now realized he was attracted to men and wanted a divorce it would feel odd, like something I totally didn’t see coming. But it wouldn’t be any more hurtful than if he wanted to leave me for another woman. In fact, maybe it would be less hurtful, like I could feel like it wasn’t something wrong with me, I’m just the wrong gender.
As far as people claiming this man has been awful for fooling his family for years, no commenter here has enough information to judge that. I have a homosexual friend who has described there being a range of attractions on the homosexual spectrum. It’s apparently not black and white. And maybe for some people it takes a while for them to really understand where they are. Or maybe they change over their lifetime. Just because I don’t really understand that doesn’t mean it isn’t real or doesn’t happen.
36
@SkL ~ thank you for being so accepting of the spectrum of sexuality. A lot of people are arrogant enough to assume that because they don’t understand it, it isn’t real, but, as you show here, complete understanding isn’t necessary to accept and respect people who are different.
I imagine it would’ve been a very difficult and painful decision for Bill to make, risking anger and judgment from his own family, and embarking on a new life as a single gay man.
My spouse knew that I’m bisexual long before we got married, and has always been wonderfully supportive and understanding. He suggested we have an open relationship, as he didn’t want our marriage to be responsible for burying that side of my sexuality. It’s very liberating to still be able to embrace my attraction to women, even though I haven’t yet had any relationships with women since meeting my spouse. I guess that just knowing that door is open, and having the freedom to walk through it without judgment, is an important thing for me in its own right.
3
@SkL
It's pointless to muddy the waters by throwing in comparisons of heterosexual affairs that the author could have had in order to lessen the negative impact of what actually happened. He could have also been a drug-dealer, wife-beater or slug-eater, but these possibilities are irrelevant.
The author's family felt betrayed not by his sexual orientation, but by the fact that he used a woman and created children in order to conceal his truth, then wrecked that family unit to serve his own needs.
He is human; he is attempting to own and repair his mistakes. I get that. His book and article may help others in a similar boat to avoid some of the hurtful missteps that the author made.
However, fictitious accounts of what did not do in terms of inappropriate Dad behavior does not elevate what actually happened. His family is no less hurt because of the affair that he didn't have with the non-existent math teacher.
5
I am Bill’s mother and I can attest to the fact that his children love and respect him. He is totally involved in their lives and has supported them in every way you can imagine. They spend a great deal of time with he and Paul. Bill has even found a way to help his daughter who is in Med School study for her exams. He has been more than fair in supporting his ex wife. He didn’t move 700 miles away, his wife did because it was important for her to be near supportive friends and family. His coming out was handled in a loving and compassionate way. Yes, it is an unusual story and he is a loving father to his girls who love their father.
69
@Julie
It has taken me some time to realize why this essay upset me so much. Finally I realized it was the opening sentences, where Bill describes "hissing through clenched teeth" at Marisa while miming the 'kids these days' expression at the clerk. My (then future) father in law used to hiss at me. It's never a good thing when a male in a position of power hisses at a younger, subordinate female. This was very disrespectful and controlling behavior on your son's part; the fact that
he included the clerk in his self-identified hissy fit only served to further humiliate Marisa at a very vulnerable time in her life. Hopefully, as you say, he has outgrown his second adolescence. But my sympathies are all with the mother, who found herself unexpectedly with three teenagers on her plate, all at once; two daughters and a soon to be un-husband.
4
@irene. His daughter called him Bill in front of strangers which changing him off guard. He "hissing" "It's Dad, was followed by his 14 year old daughter's again saying "OK, Bill" which was an intentional act of disrespect meant to sing her father in front of a stranger. You are only able to see his daughter being humiliated when many others would legitimately see his daughter trying to humiliate him. Your experience with your father-in-law proves that you will always look at this type of thing with a biased (and one could argue) immature, perspective. My mother was never subordinate to either my father or grandfather, so your assertion of this being a superior/subordinate situation is purely one based on your biased perspective. It may have been and may not have been but you do not have the standing to judge it because, neither you nor I were there. You saying that Bill was a teenager, proves that your opinions are not worthy of respect.
7
@Julie. Well said, Bill's mother! We should all have as thoughtful and supportive a mother as Bill. I wish the whole family well.
14
How lovely that when his daughters respond negatively to his changes, he responds by being controlling and emotional abusive!
What an AWESOME DAD!
Then his daughters neatly fall into line--priming them for a lifetime of abuse--because, you know, Trauma Bonding works that way. If you don't knuckle under, be a good, compliant child, Dad will turn off your phone. He can't possibly take the hint that they don't want to talk to him.
8
@Dejah
Thank you Dejah ! You condensed the entire issue down to its essence. The daughters are now groomed for future abuse. (Speaking from experience, here).
And for all those commenters who say that "kids don't need cell phones" (not that teenagers are 'kids' in the first place), I have to wonder -- when was the last time
you were out and about without your cell phone ? Would you have any luck finding a pay phone if needed? And would you know the numbers -- which are in your cell phone -- you wanted to call if by random chance you did happen to find a 'phone booth' ? Remembering that phone books (also, too) are a thing of the past these days . . .
8
Did this guy ask his family if he could "out" their feelings and experiences about this? I doubt it. On top of his betrayal of his family's trust and feelings, now, he is betraying their confidences and trust again. My heart goes out to his ex wife and his girls.
15
Powerful!
6
For Fathers Day I follewed my father's foot steps. Made breakfast (everybody's special omelette) lunch (bbq chicken and salad) and dinner (salmon and steamed vegetables). Took the family to the park and played tag (I was it a lot).
During tag, my son called me daddy, a tittle I think you need to earn.
10
@Tom He earned the title of Daddy over the many years before he came out. He caused a blip but his 14 year old daughter seems to have got over the blip by wanting his closeness again.
3
Child of divorced parents myself, and thinking that divorce is better than living in an abusive or even "just" a constantly warring situation.....BUT:
The kids here were 14 and 16. Very few years before they would be 18 and most likely out of the home. Couldn't this man wait a handful of years to "out" himself and change his entire identity?
(I assume he knew he had these feelings for a while....)...
The piece is very much "I'm the important one here".....no, he's one of the two adults in the situation, but didn't act like it and then was surprised when his kids didn't handle it well.
However, unlike (apparently) most posters here, I feel strongly that no one "owes" a kid a phone.
The phones are actually NOT a requirement....in fact they didn't begin to proliferate among kids until (so I've read) 9/11 when parents began to worry about how they would get in touch with their kids in an emergency. The man was also well within his rights to insist they call him "dad" and not "Bill"...that is common courtesy irrespective of sexual orientation.
7
@RLiss
Teenagers are NOT 'kids'. They are complexifying people who should not be bribed into compliance by disabling what has become a necessary part of modern life. It says a lot about the parental dynamics that the mother did not, apparently, feel empowered to open different phone accounts for her daughters. THAT would have sent both the daughters and Bill a powerful message about female agency, which he seems to be very dismissive of.
8
@irene
As a teenager, I can assure you I can survive just fine without a phone and that it's a perfectly reasonable punishment. Perhaps the girls mother thought he was right, perhaps she did open different accounts for them. We only see one side of the story. He really doesn't seem dismissive of female agency, he just wants an emotional connection with people he loves. After reading a few of your comments on this article, I think I've formed a fair opinion of you and here's what I'd like to say in response:
Coming out is terrifying. I was lucky, I didn't lose very many people. This man lost what meant the most to him. I don't agree with him completely, but he did what he needed to get them willingly back into his life. Coming out to the people you love hurts. It hurts because they don't see you, they see something that you didn't know about yourself for the first decade and a half of your life. I hope that if anyone comes out to you-be it your mailman or your best friend- you treat them well. I am not a liar for not coming out to you, I am protecting myself. I really don't meant to be rude, consider what I've said. Have a nice day!
2
I'm pretty sure nobody who suspects they might be gay consciously makes a decision to mislead a potential mate, have children, and lead a false life for many years in order to eventually out themselves selfishly. Anyone who sublimates their true nature eventually pays a heavy price, family or not. In conservative, religious, and repressed communities the pressure to conform is immense - being gay can literally be the kiss of death. Some of the devout truly believe they can 'pray the gay away'. Instead of picking sides and placing blame on people, it might be better to celebrate the fact that everybody made it out alive. Life is messy - get over it.
31
@markymark
I don't buy that -
"I'm pretty sure nobody who suspects they might be gay consciously makes a decision to mislead a potential mate"
There is a long history of people hoping they are not, and trying to make their family happy and marriage seems like a way to do that for some.
Gnōthi sauton — “Know Thyself”
If someone can not determine if they are gay or not before reaching age of consent, then I can't imagine how out of touch they are about understanding their romantic feelings. They are lost, at best, or lairs. We tend to be more forgiving in this situations then we should.
3
Forgiving! Who are you to forgive or not forgive someone in a situation like this, who asked you? Why is this man's decisions any of your busines
12
@markymark
As someone whose spouse came out after 16 years together, I can both completely understand why they hid their identity from me and themselves and at the same time be angry, hurt and betrayed that they didn't share everything before making a commitment to me.
11
This guy has it all wrong . . . he is so offended by not being called Dad he forgets what a shock he has given to his daughters . . . when they are 14 and 16! Probably the toughest time to be a young woman: confusing physically, mentally and socially. Every teenaged girl is insecure about what people think of them, how they look, their own sexuality . . .
And their Dad is all about Me, Me, Me, look at my struggle, understand me, think about me: I'll reprimand you if you don't call me dad and cut off your phones!!! That will show you!
But the guy shaves his head and grows a goatee and dyes it black! Why wouldn't his daughters be horrified!
It's not even about being gay. Any divorce would be traumatic at this time in their lives and a dad so unaware and unconcerned about the difficulty in understanding what is happening to them . .
Sorry Bill, I think it's easier to be a divorced gay man that an adolescent girl . . . with a Dad that is as clueless as you have been.
29
Whether gay or not, this guy still broke up his family.
10
@Amy I don't know what happened to his marriage, but Amy, you don't, either.
11
@Amy This kind of response (and this is not the only one) seems to imply that family remaining together at the cost of integrity (the whole family's integrity) is more important that facing what life hands us and dealing with it -- as a family, whether intact or apart. As a retired marriage and family therapist, I KNOW that living a lie is ALWAYS destructive to everyone in the family, in the long run. Kids who grow up in a "make believe happy" family end up thinking that that's what family is and grow up to make the same mistakes their parents did, perhaps in a different form. Kids who have families who work through their differences, either by working things out by staying or deciding to end the marriage, have the opportunity to learn to live with what life hands them. Of course, rageful divorce (whether the parents are straight or gay) can be destructive to all.
One is not selfish to try to live with integrity. Everyone can benefit when truth is lived.
Over the years, it was clear to me that when parents stayed together until the kids left home, many of the young people then blamed themselves for leaving! If only they hadn't gone off to college, work or whatever, their parents might have not divorced. Again, honesty and love are what we need to thrive.
15
The family didn't have to "stay together" just for show or for the kids.
Bill choose to leave when the girls were 14 & 16, tough times for girls (and I don't think Bill has much of an understanding of what young women go through physically or emotionally). OK, he made that choice, but the problem is he, as far as the article reports, really didn't understand or appreciate what his children were enduring with this divorce at this time in their lives, and in their dad being gay.
NOT just being gay, but transforming completely into a sterotype-shaved head with dyed black goatee-village people gay man.
That may have been his dream, great, but there is the expectation that parents, fathers worthy of the title of Dad, put their children first, period. Live your gay dream, yes it's been hard for you, but sorry. Being a parent carries a responsibility.
Don't punish your kids for not calling you DAD, or take away their phones because it impresses your new boyfriend. That's what makes me the most angry.
As I said in another post, in this day and age, it's easier being a divorced gay father than being a teenaged daughter of a clueless and selfish dad.
13
What a surprise - the NT times features a gay man in the article for fathers day. How meaningless for 97 % of men.
18
@springtime
Sorry but gay men {and women} are parents too.
16
@Janice C:
Yes, they are, and I know several....but the NYT had to make their 'big' first person article be written by a newly divorced Gay dad?
4
@springtime
Funny, I didn’t find it meaningless and I’m neither male nor gay.
Do peoples lives have to be just like yours for you to find meaning in what they have to say?
23
It’s odd to read comments demeaning the ex-wife’s position and celebrating this man’s poor choices. He caused great harm to his wife and children by lying to them. He caused irreparable damage to his children by introducing his new self to them and expecting his children to be... grateful? celebratory? compliant? He is unbelievably selfish, a liar, and a con man, deceiving his wife of many years. Gay men who prey on women to get a family are absolute fiends. I hope his ex wife took everything he had. His daughters are not obligated to forgive him. As more of these suddenly gay dads break up their families to live their authentic lives I hope women will stop feeling sorry for these monsters and start acknowledging their righteous fury.
34
@Qui
You seem to be amazingly informed on what goes on in the mind of a gay dad. To paraphrase Waugh, I think: When one hates with all that venom, it's something in themselves they hate.
26
@Qui
Don't judge too harshly as not everybody was brave enough to standup to the overwhelming forces of bigotry and hate (which still exits today);, but this man took the first steps to honestly. Celebrate his bravery!
19
@Ephraim
Qui, thank you for your courageous comment. Having three daughters ourselves, we concur that it would be an absolute nightmare to have this happen to our family. Fathers are important. They are not frivolous extras playing a bit part in family life. They are the backbone to the family system.
2
One of my 3-sons is homosexual, married to a man.
As a 75-year old, I object to the homosexual movement and politicization of same, men and women, having usurped some of the common adjectives in our timeless lexicon: queer, gay, pride, out and outing.
It's useless issue on my part, as the agenda is clear. My problem, maybe?
4
Yes, it is your problem. Another way of saying it is the problem is you.
31
@fsa, If your son is happy, you should be happy. He could live a lie and be miserable. Would that please you?
27
@fsa Oh, it's definitely your problem.
By the way, those words (some of which are not adjectives) haven't been usurped. You still have access to them. It's just queer that you wouldn't take pride in going out for a gay time on an outing.
Hmm. Two adjectives.
24
That’s a total temper tantrum on his part to cut off their phones because they weren’t talking to him. I’m all for dad-child relationships, but it doesn’t seem like the feelings of the kids (teenagers, really) were very respected in that case.
24
They're just phones. You think teenagers need more phone time?
16
I’d guess Natasha is a teenager. Because I noticed on of the weak psychological tactics of females teenagers is to call out discipline, responsibility and privilege control as some sort of drama or tantrum coming out of an immature parent. HA, not buying that.
5
This day and age a phone is necessary for a teenager, sorry, but that's the case.
And the idea that he cut off the phones, knowing that his teenaged daughters in this really confusing time in their lives would not be able to get in touch with anyone if they needed help. And cutting off their phones because the new boyfriend said "you're paying for them . . . make they do what you want!" Did he cut off the phone just to please his boyfriend?
I wanted my teenagers to have phones; I knew where they were and were able to reach them and they would reach me. And, believe it or not, a lot of great communication can go on with your teenager by texting. The whole point is to stay connected and be there.
This man failed.
10
You completely upended their world, and the world of their mother. Yet your concern is all for yourself. Respect is earned Bill, not demanded.
33
@greg I don't agree with your comments. The author expressed much caring, love and concern for his children in this essay. In fact, the essay was about what all parents navigate in some fashion: raising their children while also taking care of themselves.
20
@debraSTL
I noticed that his ex-wife was left completely out of this essay. I guess it's easier to write about what's salvaged and endures--the parental bond--that what's savaged and discarded. So much more satisfying to ignore the not so pleasant or admirable aspects of your choices.
5
@AKS Are you saying that no one deserves to choose life for themself?
1
Apparently the LGBT crowd thinks that whatever they do is important and has to be told to the rest of the world.
34
@Jackson
Apparently so.
Some things, not “whatever” are important.
I’m sorry you think that because this piece is not about you and yours that it is unimportant.
Your comment is proof positive of the significance of discussing this topic, so, begrudgingly, thank you.
‘
76
@Jackson
Exactly. There's no rule that says you have to broadcast your sexuality, whether it's morphed, revealed, or unchanged. You don't have to come out. You don't have to apologize or "come clean" or perform acts of contrition either. Just tell people the truth if they ask.
17
The Times printed it. You didn’t have to read it. Apparently straight people think their opinion of what gay people do actually matters.
80
Of course we don't know ALL the details but I'd bet the whole "gay" was a huge part of the divorce. It's obvious that the author then decided that his "gayness" mandate was more important than the Dad part. Fortunately it appears he was able to recover the relationships in time.
When I got divorced the only thing I did was make absolutely sure that I stayed a part of my daughter's life. I refused to tolerate the typical prejudices that exist here in MA against fathers. And if I was gay, which I'm not, I'd still have made no changes to anything. My daughter was much younger though, so that did make things easier.
6
I see all of the comments blaming this man for leaving his wife, and how she was wronged. But doesn’t she also deserve the chance to find a relationship someone else who is truly interested in her rather than being in a marriage that will never be true love for reasons that are not her fault? That is what I would want. The longer he stayed, the less time she would have to find someone else. I’m no psychologist, but she might be happier, and their children would benefit from their parents’ happiness.
25
@Lens Bias
his ex-wife moved 700 miles away and of course took the children.
Wonder if he had any say in the matter. But it does seem as if neither parent put the kids'needs first.
4
@JeanneDark
We don't know why she moved. Maybe it was to be closer to her family at a difficult time ? (Since ex-hubby had access to a whole Cheering Squad Support Group of like minded males, while she ends up being the pariah, struggling with teenagers and perhaps menopause and who knows what while said Ex channels his inner biker-wanna-be.
Or maybe she moved for a job opportunity ?
Or whatever. If we're not supposed to judge Him, why the negative comments about Her ?
2
Why does this article not mention betrayal?
The wife and children were betrayed.
The author was a covert operative deep undercover who infiltrated the most intimate aspects of three lives.
And then turned on them by saying he was revealing he true self.
Sorry, this is not a piece about a courageous “Queer” during Pride Month.
Or even a “Queer” Fathers Day tale.
A longitudinal analysis of these three women will evidence women with daddy & trust issues.
It is tragic that the author hid from the world, even himself, the truth.
Morale of the story: All you can give the people you love is yourself; if you are living a lie, that’s what you have sown.
What do you expect to reap?
15
@WorkingGuy It is indeed "tragic that the author hid from the world, even himself, the truth". But you, as so many other commenters here, do not know at what age this man finally twigged that he was gay. You do not know his thoughts. You surmise that he has always known he was gay. Knowing that you're gay does not necessarily begin at the start of your intellectual journey. For some, it does, I concur but for others it hits you between the eyes quite unexpectedly. I was 43 before life made sense.
4
Well-written article!
But to be frank, Bill, as a father (or a guardian), you always need to put the interest of your kids above all else, no matter what (as I’ve learnt from my own parents).
And that includes the decision to come out when you did. Perhaps, you could have delayed that pronouncement until your kids moved out or were at least 18, to minimize the toll your decision would take on them and their fragile beings.
Your decision to ‘come out’ seemed a bit rushed, given that I’m sure you’d already lived with those ‘feelings’ for quite a long time by then.
Best of luck to you and your family!
14
The author's problems aren't related to being gay at all. He's just a regular divorced man who suddenly discovered that he does not actually know his kids (and vice versa), and it has hit him pretty hard. And also, he doesn't have a clue of how to deal.
He should have had a couple of "dates" with a therapist who specializes on teens, because both his own ideas and advice he got were terrible. His orientation and perturbations of his personal life are totally irrelevant.
14
Touching yet complicated story. Maybe makes me appreciate that the only card I got this morning was from Molly, my dog, whose biggest complaint is when her dish is empty.
12
The first thing children need of a father is that he love their mother. You have chosen yourself over your marriage and your family, and you continue to do so. At least live with it and stop complaining.
18
@Hunt Tell me, how do you KNOW he did not love his wife? His realisation of his sexuality would NOT negate his feelings for her.
2
You are the most important part of the story,I don’t doubt you love your children. But you come first as demonstrated by this article. You cut off their phones because they didn’t vomit rainbows and love? Kids aren’t politically correct or au courant . Give them a chance to adjust before you get punitive with the phones .
12
@Dixie Land:
NO one "owes" a kid a phone.
7
That was beautiful. thank you,
david terry
14
Honest living is hard. Read “becoming Gay” by psychiatrist Richard Isay to understand the man who hoped his marriage to a woman would change him and his love for her, his children and their heterosexual community...but why many must finally live authentically. Read “Fit to Serve” about a gay father and husband who finally stopped hiding from himself.
To live honestly, we must trust that our loved ones, with our help, can deal with it. And want to value integrity no matter what happened to the hormones in our embryo after conception. (Read the many studies)
But living a lie is destructive even if we keep up good facades. Some people never can break through to authentic living. I know a man who was afraid his legally separated wife might find out his secret (as he testified in court: “I sometimes sleep with men but I’m not gay” - Read “Straight White Men Who Have Sex With Men”) when she accidentally met one of his lovers. To keep his secret life hidden, he had his lover or pickup or whatever arrested on charges of rape, armed robbery, etc- a jury saw no sign of knife or fear in ATM videos so acquitted 100%
9
@anntares Please would you link me to the embryo studies? Sounds fascinating.
I’ve know two women in my life who inadvertently married gay men. One divorced and the other was able to get an annulment which mattered in her faith.
I didn't know either man but I have to think that if these two upstanding and outstanding women were willing to marry them, they must have been pretty good guys.
I have no trouble believing that both men married in the belief that they could be good husbands.
I also have no trouble believing that they wanted and intended to be.
Even their ex-wives believe this.
I am sorry so many people posting here are so judgmental.
LGBTQ rights are quite new, in the US and other places. In many places, they are still not recognized and, reading some of these posts, I think some of those places are in America after all.
Not that many years ago, the pressure to conform to social norms was so enormous that many thought their best choice was to try even if they didn’t feel they quite fit. So they tried.
Are we now going to blame them for trying?
They were just doing what all of society was telling them to do.
It’s just as traumatic for children when men leave for other women. Let’s at least not be hypocritical about that.
Donald Trump Jr. did not talk to his father for a year after he left their mother for another woman. Let’s at least not be hypocritical about that.
45
@celia
And I know of 3 failed marriages of men to Gay women. 2 of the women were repressing who they were, the third I never knew, but for the first two, the divorce was painful BOTH for the men and the women.
Divorce IS painful, and I've seen it happen to friends and family, and staying together "for the sake of the children" is more irresponsible than breaking off.
As a happily married straight father, I still empathized with the author's pain, with his daughters' rejection, with his finally stiffening his backbone and giving them some "tough love" while at the same time backing off on some of his appearance changes: Discipline and compromise. And it worked!
Because kids need limits and penalties when they test them, or they never learn the most important kind of discipline: self-discipline. We dads are just people, after all, like moms and kids. Divorce is a reality of our times and it's never easy on the kids. How can it be?
A Gay dad or mom is still a parent, still able to help and teach. My dad, dying of cancer, was STILL teaching my brothers and I, all middle-aged men. He taught us how to face what we all must face with dignity and acceptance and grace.
14
@celia I'm 68. When I was younger, if a man wasn't married by the time he was 24, he was talked about. He was "fey, a bit funny, limp wristed" and a host of other quaint expressions. And many men married, JUST to satisfy societal norms. It's no surprise, then, that such marriages struggled or, sadly, very sadly, failed. I was 24, when I married but had no idea AT All that I would realise, 19 years later, albeit in my second marriage, that I was more gay than straight. I then struggled with this thought for the next 16 years (!!!!!), finally having a breakdown that led me to secretly asking to be made redundant from my position as Office Manager for my firm, secretly finishing work, secretly loading my car with the stuff I wanted to take and secretly travelling to France, all after dropping my then 13 year old daughter off at her school, whilst saying 'see you later' to her! I am still wracked with guilt when I think about what I did. And I did all of that and just felt like it was just everyday stuff. I was so not me, but a sad, disturbed, ill man. I came home after only 2 weeks because I missed my daughter so much. My wife and I tried again but, after a further 6 months, life was unbearable for us both so we decided enough was enough and separated. I did not do this so I could bed-hop my way to gay nirvana. I have been celibate, totally, since I left. I do not condemn any person, who struggles with their sexuality. It is a mommoth fight just to remain sane, in those days.
5
A gorgeous piece to read on Father's Day or any day. Thank you.
20
Well-written article about common dad issues, or "divorced dad" issues. After my divorce I reflected upon my experience as a child of divorce and decided that there was nothing a child is less interested in than the sex life of their parent. Both of my children were adults when their mother and I divorced. But I never introduced my kids to any of the women I dated until I found a true "keeper" and they were part of the wedding service.
I didn't compromise on the "dad vs. Bill" thing. What I said to my son was this: "You don't call me by my given name because we have a special relationship like no other. I will be the last person to give up on you and the first person to die for you." He thought about it and never called me by my given name again.
Good luck to Bill the author.
30
@Bill You have said just what I said to my daughter, when she had told me something that she thought I'd not condone. I told her, "I'm your dad. My job is to love you, protect you and to stand in front of a bullet that's intended for you".
"Aww, dad, do you mean that?"
"Absolutely", I replied.
And I would, should the time arise.
I'm no saint but I try my best, with my limited physical capabilities, to be the best dad I can.
2
Happy Father’s Day.
12
If you are a gay dad
In this day and age dad
You can be a good dad
You can be a great dad
Even be a granddad
If that is the plan dad
But whatever you do dad
If your kids in school dad
Do not be a fool dad
You may think you’re rad dad
Don’t ever wear plaid dad
It was just a fad dad
8
So, you really had no idea you were gay before you were married? It’s not being gay that’s the issue, it’s the perceived deceit of their mother in your journey to conceive. Have you bothered to address it with your daughters?
22
Oh my gosh, don't blame a guy for being gay. It's not an easy thing to come to terms with, I imagine. Consider all the prejudice, expectations, everything.
10
@Iron I’m assuming he married in this Century. Besides, I’m taking the girl’s point of view. Have some empathy for them and their Mom
6
Hey, certainly. But considering this man is gay, whenever he came to terms with it, these children exist, and we should embrace the fact that he chose to be honest with himself and his family, whether sooner or later. What's left is everyone accepting the truth. That's up to them. But I get the impression there was a happy ending, and people grow up. I don't think you can put fault on him for not knowing himself his entire life. Many people don't.
4
When I was 11, my dad separated from my mom seemingly out of the blue. There was no explanation beyond he "didn't love [her] anymore". My mom was devastated and moved my older sister and I several states away, a move we all hated. A few years later I started to question my own sexuality, curious about kissing girls and still being boy crazy too. I got called "dyke" in middle school but even then, I knew I had to stand up for myself, and I did. I started dating a girl in my 10th grade class. I told both my parents about it. They just wanted me to be happy. My dad NEVER brought up his own questions about his sexuality. A year or so later, one early Sunday morning I called my dad to wish him a happy Fathers day. Another man answered my dad's telephone. When I asked my dad who this man was, he said "a friend"; I asked if it was his boyfriend. My dad stammered and said he'd have to call me back. It was a few weeks before he called and said, yes, that was his boyfriend. I assured him I didn't care who he loves; I had come out before he did! My dad died suddenly not quite a year after this revelation. I never knew who he really was because he was never confident about his own identity.
I'm glad to read this story, from a dad's point of view. I'm glad this father has had the courage to be honest about who he is and the struggles he faces- it's all real and valid. We have to be honest with our family, even when it's hard. It's the only thing that matters.
60
As a parent I truly think you need to put your kids before yourself. Leaving your family to live a life for yourself is not this. I don’t think this is something to be celebrated. This is a selfish man who left his family, no different from the countless straight men who have done the same for younger women or anything else.
17
@Sara - perhaps you missed the part where it was his ex-wife that moved 700 miles away from him, taking the daughters with her.
22
Reading the book and knowing the whole story might change your perspective.
2
@KySgt64 I did not miss that. He got up and left to live his life as a gay man without the burdens of children at home. You can’t seriously fault his wife for moving away and you have no idea why she did so anyways. This is a divorced man who sees no fault in his actions, he’s just like every straight man that has done the same before him and will do so after him.
If we changed this story to say “straight man unhappy with wife finds love with woman twenty years younger, his wife moved far away” no one would be saying what a great dad, good for him for finding himself, What a terrible mom to move away.
11
Parents are free to live their lives as they desire as they grow and support their children. They should be allowed to live as they please even if their children’s classmates express hateful cultural norms on a blackboard. Open and out in love is the only way those ugly ‘norms’ can be replaced with radical kindness. The young daughter will survive the hate and be a wiser kinder person because her parents show her what radical kindness looks like.
12
Thank you, Bill, for sharing your story.
We have made progress in accepting that being gay is not a choice, just as our IQ and eye color are beyond our control. Yet, many of us still stigmatize LGBTs for being born different from the majority. We will all be better off when we accept our differences, as well as all the qualities we have in common. After all, we're all human beings with tiny variances in our DNA.
I am a straight white woman and not long ago witnessed the forced outing of a sensitive married man. He had suppressed any homoerotic feelings his entire life because he was taught by his parents and society that homosexuality was despicable. When forced to deal with his feelings, he was filled with self-loathing and grief. He also had children. Fortunately, his wife was sympathetic and he found a wonderful therapist. He is on good terms with his children and his ex-wife. They are dealing with the new reality with mutual love and compassion. He did leave the area, because it is very conservative, and he couldn't continue in his career here.
Just seeing what he and his family went through was painful to watch. I can't imagine having to deal with so many conflicting feelings, plus the the reactions of family and friends. He had to deconstruct and rebuild his understanding of who he was and start life all over again. It was a type of death.
This has made me more sensitive to those born with differences. It is important that everyone be treated with dignity.
39
The difficulty with coming out after many years of being married, is that you’ve been role-playing for 10, 15, 25 years. As a (never het -married) gay man who has been out for over 50 years, I’ve observed how difficult it is for men who come out late in life to discover who they actually are. Some formerly married gay men are still discovering themselves at 70, so just imagine when children are thrown into the mix of a new identity.
“Dad” is fortunate he has a friend to help him thru his OWN “second childhood. “
16
@Back Up - how about if YOU back up for a minute? One, he acknowledges how unrealistic it was to expect things to go perfectly during his visits with his daughters. Two, he jettisoned the "gay biker dad" look. Three, this is a Father's Day newspaper column, not a memoir --- there's not enough space to cover all the topics you accuse him of leaving out. Maybe he decided that the story of the circumstances leading up to the divorce didn't really belong in a Father's Day article. Also it's not at all clear that his children had a problem with homosexuality per se, or just with Dad's weird lifestyle/ appearance changes. (A red sports car, tight pants and a much younger girlfriend could provoke the same kind of "you're not my dad anymore" reaction.)
And finally, your assertion that he left his family with "stunted lives" seems a little presumptuous. Do you know this family? Do you know if his staying married & closeted would have resulted in a happier life for them? Do you even know which spouse filed for divorce? Back up.
22
Mayor Pete and his husband have said that they want to have children in the future. Are those millions of homophobics in many parts of this country who reject same sex marriage ready to accept gay fathers? It would be and is challenging for them to first overcome the very real lack of acceptance of homosexuality and same sex marriage. Add to that what would be their inevitable disdain for gay fathers. Mayor Pete and his husband's children will undoubtedly be loved and nurtured but how will they be protected from the constant scrutiny and hateful disapproval of millions in the public eye who will never show them that same love? Tragically it will be a difficult road to embark upon as a gay couple and a gay couple with children in today's America.
3
This is a little confusing. Had you and Paul been together secretly for years. For example, you hung up the the phone when speaking with your lover, and held her little hand in your's? or was it when your daughters were in their teens, a very challenging time, and you decided to "rock their world?"
Raising children is a life time commitment. Is there a really huge reason you couldn't wait a few years to come out and move ahead? My brother, a surgeon,had a partner who came out as a trans.....he waited until his children were grown and on their own, out of respect for them.
10
It's all about selling his book.
14
As a straight, divorced dad with child, I can not imagine how much more difficult things are being a gay divorced dad with child.
13
Okay, probably cause you aren't gay. Me neither, but there's room to defer, you know? We all have different experiences.
1
Yes - the story is always tragic -
Van Johnson
Charles Van Dell Johnson was an film and television actor, singer, and dancer. He was a major star at Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer during and after World War II
Johnson was the embodiment of the "boy-next-door wholesomeness that made him a popular Hollywood star in the '40s and '50s, playing "the red-haired, freckle-faced soldier, sailor or bomber pilot who used to live down the street" in MGM films during the war years...
Johnson married former stage actress Eve Abbott...In 1948, the newlyweds had a daughter, Schuyler...
According to a statement by his former wife Eve that was first published after her death at age 90, their marriage had been engineered by MGM to cover up Johnson's alleged homosexuality.
"They needed their 'big star' to be married to quell rumors about his sexual preferences and unfortunately, I was 'It'—the only woman he would marry."
Johnson's biographer has written: "that Van Johnson had homosexual tendencies seems to have been well known in the film capitol", but this was covered up due to the film colony's respect for a performer's privacy.
In contrast to his "cheery Van" screen image, Johnson was reputed to be morose and moody because of his difficult early life.
Just as he'd had a difficult relationship with his father, he was estranged from his daughter at the time of his death
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_Johnson#Personal_life
3
Being a human being with all that entails can really be hard at times.
How can we remain true to ourselves when most of the time we really don't know who we are?
When we are kids that is supposedly OK but when we are older somehow we believe that it is not OK, that we are supposed to be more "mature", whatever that means.
The reality is that we are all on a journey of life and anyway we can be a little more loving and understanding towards ourselves and those we love and who, in spite of our fears, actually love us, too, is a great accomplishment.
In the end, it is these moments of quiet courage, to act out of love instead of fear, that will be our real legacy.
It is the most powerful thing we have to contribute and often the least appreciated.
11
Being a parent is chaos, confusion, and grief punctuated with moment of joy and happiness. Gay or straight, black or white, we all share this experience.
Happy Father's Day.
16
I can't speak for the author's ex-wife, but I think I can shed some light on how it feels to have your husband of almost 13 years come out as being gay, and the impact on the family. It was an absolute bolt from the blue, and brought me to my fervent belief that you cannot possibly know anything about a person that that person does not want you to know. While any implosion of a marriage is devastating, this betrayal felt even more so, for the simple fact that I had been used and lied to for so long. When I began telling friends and family about why my marriage was ending, several said to me, "Aren't you relieved? You know it was nothing you did wrong!" But I did do something wrong - I trusted, and I pushed any doubts or questions to the way back of my mind, and went on with my life, rationalizing that "all couples have one issue or another." What angered me most, and still does to this day is the impact it has had on our two daughters, as their father gradually drifted farther and farther from their lives so he could live the life he had (in his words) denied himself for so long. As he indulged in revisiting his lost youth, his daughters were left to navigate the teen and young adult years essentially with their dad existing on the periphery. I applaud the author of this piece for working toward maintaining a meaningful relationship with his children. That was not my experience, yet I'm still optimistic enough to hope it's not too late.
118
Having been a family law lawyer for many years, rest assured the author did an amazing job managing what is always a treacherous path, intentionally wrest any semblance of respect or acknowledgment of men’s role as fathers from them.
The author will doubtless be criticized by those who believe rules and boundaries for children somehow lost their importance, (which explains a generation of kids unable to compete or overcome the slightest obstacle) - but he did what was right - when the chips were down.
I’m a straight guy - but couldn’t be prouder of the author’s efforts.
24
A sad and poignant piece of painful life for all.
You're not alone in suffering through divorce; it's rarely happy if kids are involved. In fact, I've never really gotten over it, despite its being over 20 years ago.
Yours was doubly traumatic, stressful, and difficult. I couldn't have borne it; we all have limits.
Best of luck to you and your girls, sir! Life is a vale of tears with a few happy moments, a wonderful environment to learn.
18
This is a beautifully written piece. But if this really primarily about a gay dad or a dad who left his family and as a result his kids relocated 700 miles away? As a child of divorced parents I can tell that divorce and the leaving of a parent feels like a huge, huge betrayal. It is not surprising to me that his children responded with anger and attempts to humiliate the parent. Sure, I see divorces handled in a better, more productive way in which both parents stay closely involved in their children’s lives. This here is a long distance, every other holiday relationship, which makes it harder fo everyone. I can certainly understand the emotions and feelings of betrayal that the ex-wife perhaps felt. But would kids really be so concerned about their dad being gay, especially in a day and age where it is not uncommon to have classmates with two moms or dads? Just wondering.
8
My parents divorced when I was 12. As you described, I felt it was a betrayal and that feeling has only increased in recent years (I am mid-50s now.) At the time, the difficulties and resentment centered on being forced to live with a stepmother I intensely disliked and still do to this day. My sister and I had no choice about accepting strangers as family, having our home turned into a strange, unfamiliar place, and having our family holidays permanently complicated. In recent years, after watching my sister make most of the same mistakes that my parents made, I feel the betrayal as something more basic. My parents never should have married in the first place. They weren’t compatible, but got married and had kids because that’s what was done. They were self-delusional first and then going through the motions later. We had an innocent, Brady Bunch like childhood which then ended abruptly. It was all fake, a facade. That is the betrayal. Our seemingly happy family was a lie. My parents and my sister all used the same rationalization, don’t I deserve to be happy? As if every decision they had already made wasn’t in the pursuit of their own happiness. Too many people get married and have kids in a similar state of self delusion, denying potential incompatibilities. Clearly that happened with the author of this piece. I hope he apologized to his girls about the big lie and the permanent disruption to their lives. My parents could never admit their mistake and apologize.
11
What a beautiful essay. It made me miss my own dad, gone 14 years, who loved his children this way. I respect the author's openness and honesty and his determination to keep loving his daughters. Happy fathers' day.
26
I sense an authoritarian streak in this man, practically bragging about 'disabling' his teenage daughters' phones. It's too bad
their mother didn't apparently have either the agency or perhaps the wherewithal to simply open them new accounts, with new phone numbers, rather than keep them tethered to
Bill's account.
20
@irene. I think that you saw what you wanted to see. He did not brag about disabling the phones.
They refused to answer his calls or return his voice and text messages. He was paying for their phones and they could not act in a respectful manner. It was his boyfriend Paul's question about who was paying for the phones the made him realize that he was entitled to at least basic respect. He was initially opposed to cancelling the phones but when Paul printed out that sometimes the best way to help children grow up is to not cater to their every whim. He realized that his children were being disrespectful while still expecting him to pay for stuff. Children need to learn. And since his daughters came to realize that there are two sidses to every story. it appears that his actions were for everyone's best interests.
43
@DSS
"I started insisting that my daughters call me Dad, reprimanding them when they misbehaved". Ugh. Patriarchal and controlling.
Yes, he was bragging about said control.
You will notice that I did not suggest he keep paying for their phones, I suggested their mother open new accounts for them. "Paying for stuff" is a classic way to enforce compliance. As in this case.
13
@irene. You see bragging, patriarchal and controlling. I, and I would guess most adults, would not.
We will have to agree to disagree.
12
I loved this article. As a daughter missing her dad this Father’s Day I loved reading from the dad’s point of view. Gay, straight, doesn’t matter—the parent-child, father-daughter relationship is so special, so unique. Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there.
39
How lucky your daughters have you as a father and you have them as your children. Together you will forge your new path and you all will look a little different and act a little different, in all likelihood a closer bond that will result if "friendships" in their adult lives with "Bill, their father" and "Bill their friend".
18
My family was destroyed by my
“closeted” father who brought a
boyfriend into his marriage for
30 years. My poor mother was
ground into the dust by his
misogyny and emotional abuse.
They married in 1950 in Indiana
and I have sympathy for any gay
man who tried to survive in
that culture. He surely thought he
could bring it off and pretend his
way to “normalcy”. I’ve read every
book I could find by children who
endured this kind of family life:
“The Bishop’s Daughter” by Honor
Moore, “Fun House” by Alison
Bechtel, “Anonymous” by Susan
Berman and “Home before Dark”
by Susan Cheever. These accounts
helped me understand the harmful
dynamics in my family and helped
me come to terms with my identity. Like Honor Moore, my
siblings don’t believe any of this
happened and we are estranged.
My father didn’t know how to be
himself so he could hardly give us
the tools we needed as a family
to grow into healthy adults.
Unlike other commenters here, I
admire this father who is leading
a life that is true to his sexual
identity. Divorce is painful indeed
for a family, but these young girls
will have, I hope, a brighter future
with a father who tells the truth
about himself. I wish them all
the best!
99
It takes courage to accept yourself after years of struggle. It takes even more courage to come out to your loved ones, family, and life long friends. There is a sense of loss, let down, or even betray from both sides when in reality non of it is true. The reality is, the person coming out couldn't bear it anymore and had to either grasp some air to live or...die. Born/being gay isn't a choice but living is. I am glad the author had the courage to come out.
35
I am sorry for all the comments that criticise this piece for the absence of information about the ex-wife.
It seems the betrayal factor gets magnified to the zillionth degree when it turns out that the husband discovers he’d rather live the life of a gay man than a fake-straight husband.
It’s as if this particular betrayal trumps all.
I consider these remarks to be hateful, as I assume they are based in a deep rooted homophobic bias.
You wouldn’t see this outrage if a man were to leave his wife and family for the calling of a Trappist monk.
Homophobia, pure and simple.
43
@Richard B
For women, the extreme marginalization of the ex-wife
is or at least should be a legitimate concern. Also, the dad's controlling attitude towards his daughters. Would
he have been so incensed about teenage sons (if he had teenage sons) calling him 'Bill', or would he see that as a welcome step towards male independence and parity ?
18
@irene
Those are good questions for which, of course, I have no answers.
I regret that in my comment I didn’t acknowledge the hurt a woman feels by this sort of rejection.
I believe however that your comment continues to cite societal norms for the way we act and react.
Assumptions about marriages, spouses, sons and daughters, and sexuality are bound to lead you to one size fits all situations thinking.
Marriages that break down inevitably leave behind hurt, my point is that a homosexual man who leaves a heterosexual marriage is villainized out of proportion.
Marginalization by the ex wife I s not necessary nor is it automatic.
In past times divorce for any reason may have been viewed as reasons for ostracism.
These are human reactions but based only on society’s expectations. Things change.
In the future presumably this situation will happen less often and when it does we may see it differently, as observers or principal actors.
11
@Richard B
When I was young - and really, forstbecame aware that there were a lot of gay and lesbian people, I had been friends with a handful of people - men and women - who had married, then realized they were gay/lesbian. There was pain in all of the breakups, and disappointment, but no hate, that I could see. There was a kind of evil side to this, because divorce laws then ( in CT) required fault to be assigned, and simply giving the real reasons was verboten. Three people I knew the best back then came to their decisions at wildly different ages, in their early to late 20's and one over 40 ( with a teenage daughter). ( his "cross to bear" was a rigid Catholic upbringing). All these marriages had contained genuine caring and respect. They were good people.
It's important to face who you are once you know; it is also important to do your leave-taking with compassion for your partner.
If we have trusted someone only to learn that a central relationship of our life was built on a lie- we'll feel like fools and doubly rejected.
Given the openness that has grown, there should be fewer and fewer people who feel the need to live a lie to comply with societal pressure.
4
Bill wanted the time with his children “to be perfect”...how foolishly and selfishly presumptuous of him. There is no mention in his Fathers Day rationalizing about the extreme disruptions his decisions had thrust upon his wife and adolescent daughters, only the difficulty he was having dealing with it. Did he really expect that his decisions would be accepted, everything would go on as near normal and his relationship with his children would be perfect. Most people today are accepting of homosexuality and have little if no problem with it, but not your family, especially teenage children. His decision brought turmoil to his family, as much if not more than the torment he endured as an “in the closet” gay man. The feel good coming out stories and the encouragement from his boyfriend may help him put aside the errors in his life but he has left in his wake stunted lives. He will move on as the “Village People biker” and his daughters will - hopefully - forgive him and return to him, but their lives will have been severely detoured. He knows that, and he knows they know it.
29
@Back Up Oh get a load of you and your self righteous sermonizing. And I would rather have a Dad who has the guts to come out than a coward hiding behind old worn out conventions. And often the whole town or neighborhood knows the lie anyway. On the contrary, these girls will only become stronger for their Dad coming out. Yes it has been painful for all, but it makes one more accepting and more loving and more supportive in the end.
10
@Back Up
And what exactly would you suggest he do?
4
@cheerful
Yes, it is painful for all. No, it does nor make one more accepting, loving and supportive in the end, and these girls, while eventually accepting their father’s lifestyle, will not become stronger for their Dad coming out. This society, social structure, is not nearly as anti-gay as it once was but it’s still there, still stigmatizing. But no matter, Dad’s happy.
3
Bill makes no comment about circumstances of coming out.
Did he enter the marriage knowing full well he was gay? Did he only realize he was gay a few months before coming out? It's about living a lie or not.
My sister was married for 25+ yrs before her husband came out. Turns out he may have married like many did back then for that Norman Rockwell image of a family. But that would be fake; it never was him. Sad. Sad mainly for my sister, children who had no idea, no choice. Not so much for the guy who knew what he was doing.
22
@Jeffrey: I'll simply add that very often "the guy" really didn't know what he was doing, in all senses. The amount of confusion that surrounds sexuality (even straight sexuality) in our society with deep Puritanical roots cannot be overstated.
The depths of denial one can be pushed to by outside forces of disapproval can make you not even recognize yourself to yourself.
It was never simple, and it still isn't simple.
43
@Jeffrey
Was it fake, or was it men trying to make sense of life and be honorable at a time when being openly gay was considered dishonorable and a sin by so many people?
4
What an honest and beautiful story. There’s no perfect dad; I bet even Paul makes mistakes. I admire you for your self-awareness and sense of humor. Happy Father’s Day, Bill!
45
I think the mother of the children should say how she feels about the man she married ‘coming out”.
41
@Victoria Azara Sure! In an article that she authors perhaps.
23
Why would you ask that?
7
I think it’s none of your business.
16
I am not the gay dad who came out, but the ex-wife of the gay dad who was uncovered as gay. Private investigators confirmed my suspicions. There was no apology, no coming out, just a continued denial of his truth. Our daughter was 5. It was humiliating & frightening for me. And most of all I felt robbed of the chance of a normal life. Now a single mother not by choice but by necessity. Our daughter, now a teenager, has never asked. I have never told. It is not my story to tell. But if she ever does ask, I will tell the truth. Because it is all the untruths that created this - a web of lies that I found myself ensnared in. Live your truth. And show contrition when you don't.
148
@Isitme - I can only say hallelujah and I hear you. My warmest wishes for your (and my own) lifelong and life-affirming rebuilding.
22
@Isitme. How odd that you think the truth of your marriage and your daughter’s father is not also your story to tell? Why wait until your ex tells it to her — what if he never does? When your daughter learns the truth, she may not thank you for keeping it from her under some self imposed cloak of shame for so many years.
6
@Isitme
You and your daughter lived it, it’s your story too. Talk to your daughter. As the child, the absolute WORST part of it all is sensing this hidden narrative nobody is telling you about. I’ve lived this.
29
Paul sounds like a gem.
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@Kaleberg - I agree completely!!
11
@Kaleberg
My thoughts too!
3
Hopefully, this type of anguish for all members of a family will become a thing of the past. Be honest about your sexuality.
38
@Concerned MD please help create a world where people feel free to be honest about their sexuality. LGBT Americans can be fired or evicted in most states just for being LGBT.
21
This is lovely, thank you.
21
“If the Village People staged a reunion, I could have stood in as the middle-aged biker.”
Point of information: They’re still touring and they’re still awesome!
18
I am proud of you, loving and persisting with your daughters. They will grow with time and the fact that you are there for them all the time is just what a loving dad does. Better than my ex who jettisoned our daughters. He broke their hearts and I see the effects to this day.
21
Thank you for this. I am gay man without children but this article warmed my heart. I wish I had kids. My father and I are not close because he didn’t want to be part of my life after I came out. When I came out I made sure that I didn’t change who I was. Your kids love you and they want their father. You’re a lucky man to have Paul and your kids. Best of luck!
35
Thank you for sharing such a well-written snippet of your life.
And, you will ALWAYS be a dad.
Happy Father's Day
21
My comment is different than many of the commenters here, and I have personal experience with this, unfortunately. Was Bill really caught entirely unaware that he was gay? This isn't 30 years ago when societal pressures were far greater, forcing people into denying their genuine wants, desires, and overall natural being. His lack of self-awareness or selfishness forced a major upheaval for several people who had built lives with him.
I do not laud Bill's immaturity in forcing his children to call him dad when they were so upset, I do not praise his lack of mentioning how their mom was doing-when the betrayal must have cut extremely deep and her own hurt would logically worry the children, and I do not respect Bill's selfish immaturity morphing into a dyed buff biker dude when his children were desperate for familiar signposts that their dad was still there.
I do MIGHTILY respect Paul for his mature, gentle coaching that set Bill back on a path of greater constancy. Paul recognized that even though Bill selfishly felt that most of HIS world is entirely about him now - his family needed time to grow and change - because it's THEIR world too.
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@common sense advocate
I’d recommend you read his book, The Lie. It did all start 30 years ago when societal pressures were far greater. Amazing book and it would answer all your questions!
18
@common sense advocate: Your comment, and many others, presume a short article should try to be comprehensive in communicating the stories of each and every member of the family involved, which is completely unrealistic.
It's an article about his first person experience with life changing events. It's from his perspective. This sort of thing is written all the time.
If you want a more nuanced and encompassing view, read the book, but don't take a writer to task for focusing on the first person experience they wish to write about as though that means they've never, for a single moment, thought of anyone or anything else. That's both false and completely unfair.
30
Beautiful essay. Parenting's tough.
I am so proud of gay dads. I had one once, too.
21
I'd be a lot more willing as a reader to come along with you in this essay if I knew where and how your ex-wife figures into your story, because in situations in which one partner comes out later in life and years into a marriage the straight partner too often is overlooked and dismissed as so much collateral damage. So I'd like to know more. Did you know you were gay when you married your wife? How did your gayness affect your relationship with you wife and color your marriage? Do you think your daughters discerned the tension that arises when two people of differing sexual orientations, one of whom is either hiding or struggling with his/her own, attempt to navigate a relationship that lacks an essential spark? How long were you married and how, when, and why, did you finally tell your wife?
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@AKS You should buy his book.
10
the short essay is not meant to be the story of his life. not even of his marriage. But rather it is his journey as a parent.
12
@AKS - and one final question: why didn't he put all this information into a 700-word article about Father's Day??
2
Thank you being open to share your struggles and triumphs in finding your place(s) in the world. I've pre-ordered your memoir and I'm excited to join in all the raves. I wish you continued success in life and love. –R
11
Let me be contrary. I am not against gays. Nor especially against gay marriage though I have my doubts; why can gays not live together as they have always done, especially women, without marriage? But let me say: this story of a gay dad and his girls should remind us that being gay is no joy for the gay people involved and especially for the non-gay people involved. Many suffer even if the cause seem righteous.
6
@n1789 Oh for heavens sake. When I had my first same sex relationship at age 50 (after my divorce) I was filled with joy. My ex husband is happily remarried and so am I - to a woman. Our grown kids are fine and are very close to my wife. I recently went to the gay wedding of the son of a good friend. It was the most joyful wedding I’ve ever been to.
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@n1789: Why can't gays live together without marriage? Why should we have to? Provide one good reason that doesn't include the words "the way it's always been".
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@n1789 I am gay and I only suffer from homophobia.
11
I am a dad and had the opposite reaction as most of the readers here. I can't help but wonder what this story would look like from the kid's (or ex-wife's) perspective. While Bill is trying to show his commitment to his daughters, I have to question: why, as a single man, do you move 700 miles away from your kids who should be the center of your world? Why do you let things deteriorate to the point they no longer want to call you dad, and you're not communicating with them and cutting off their cell phone service? I know plenty of dads who separate from their wives for any number of reasons, but it is sad for me when relationships with kids deteriorate this way.
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@Mark exactly. My own spouse, decades before I married him, had a wife and kids with her. When they divorced he refused to move any distance from his kids. He turned down out of state job offers and would not even consider relocating away from his kids. He moved only a few minutes away and saw them daily.
6
@Mark
She moved away from him; not the other way around
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@Mark
His ex-wife moved their kids 700 miles away from him. Not the other way around.
27
A woman and two adolescent girls had their lives turned upside down because Bill either repressed his true nature or, in mid-life, felt an urge to explore another side of his personality/sexuality. Thinking of those three lives makes it hard for me to applaud Bill's new life and his efforts to forge a new relationship with his daughters.
30
@LD As a gay man in his fifties who grew up at a time when it was difficult to accept being gay, let me suggest the possibility that Bill May have always known he was gay, but had been pushed to marry by overbearing parents or community, and then came out T a time when he was emotionally able to come out. Let me also suggest to the well meaning parents and religious folks who push every twenty and thirt something to get married-straight married- that it’s not a great idea for everyone.
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@LD You can applaud his life and efforts while having sympathy for his ex wife and daughters. You choose to make it a zero sum game.
36
True. Yet hard to recommend to the two daughters that decency and fairness would be served for them never to have even existed. Or to recommend to the author that he should have continued his charade.
It should be clear that we are all here because of various errors, injustices and deceits in the past. I think the best option is just to look forward, and to work towards a world where our society does not create massive disincentives for being open and honest. Societal contempt and persecution of any minority has costs to many people beyond just those persecuted themselves (as if that weren't reason enough to practice compassion).
17
William- my father came out when I was a 22 year old female adult and he was 63! Fortunately, I was at an age where I could recognize the suppression that he had felt his whole life. While his pain broke my heart- I was also so enormously proud of him.
He too went through big changes during that time. Ultimately, the social pressure of that transformation became too much for him. Identifying as queer father and ranch owner in our rural town was a difficult balance and so he slowly reverted back into the socially hetero man he had presented his whole life. That was most heartbreaking for me to witness for many reasons.
I'm so glad that you have found that balance and I think as time passes your daughters will be too. Coming out later in life can be such a huge challenge! It realigns everything in wonderful and sometimes overwhelming ways. You were incredibly brave. Your daughters needed their time to adjust and so did you. Your story will be an inspiring one for so many people. I appreciate you!
Happy Dad's Day!! Thanks so much.
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@Ada
Also, I am deeply disappointed by some of these other comments.
While empathy for the wives of these scenarios is valid and understandable (and welcome!), I think it's really important to remember that this situation is incredibly complex. The implications of societal oppression is a nocuous hurt that affects everyone. We still have so much work to do in making space for minorities and people like William to feel safe and openly themselves. "Feeling an urge to explore later" (words from another comment) is due to repression that begins as children. The majority of us have the freedom to explore our sexuality early on without fear of rejection.
Having the capacity to empathize with something as enormous as this is an invaluable tool for forward growth as a society. Compassion and inclusion could prevent a lot of pain before it's inception.
Also, you don't just stumble upon late "gayhood" like a glowing stag standing in the middle of an enchanted forest trail. Although, how wonderful were that the case.
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@Ada
“Glowing stag standing in the middle of an enchanted forest trail.” Pure poetry, you made my morning!
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@Ada
Thank you for your posts. I’m learning so much reading the different comments.
I’ve come to realize today that all the people I’ve known who came out in later life were no longer married—let alone in smaller towns. Their experiences were challenging, and fraught, but, oh my goodness, what I’m reading today makes my heart hurt so much.
And I also am realizing how much my focus was on the adults and not on their children.
5
Kids can be very rigid in their thinking and concept of what a parent should be (or look like). It may have been their initial experience that flexibility is what rules the world but it certainly won't be their last. Impermanence rules planet Earth.
5
Well you were the one who made a big issue of them calling you Dad just as you were the one who changed your appearance so much that in their mind, "Dad" had disappeared so they decided to call you "Bill" since they felt that "Dad" didn't fit the person they saw after your makeover.
Labels don't matter. Friends of our have three kids who have called them by their first names since they were little children. The kids are all grown with families of their own. The relationship with the parents has always been close and loving -- not using "Mom and Dad" didn't matter an iota in their family.
By changing your appearance so drastically, you were sending a message to the kids -- one that said you wanted a new identity, one that didn't include them as you had rejected the person, the image of who you'd been in their lives so the kids went along with it and called you "Bill" and you were offended. You owe your kids big time. They are dealing with a life altering event for them and their Mom and yet you seem to be so involved with yourself that you failed to see what a huge thing the divorce, their moving, and you coming out was for them.
They will grow up, hopefully you will too.
52
I agree. This line stood out to me: “the gulf of acceptance my daughters would need to cross after the revelation of my sexual orientation.” I highly doubt your sexual orientation was the main issue; the issue was that you left their mother. It would have been an issue if you left their mother for another woman; you decided you didn’t want to be part of the family you created. How could they not feel rejected?
39
Wow your comment comes across to me as really judgemental. Coming out inevitably has a ripple effect - just like any other life changing event - and Bill, it seems to me, did the best he could to juggle all the complex parts of his life. He worked it out and made the necessary changes. I give him credit for that.
26
@Amanda Bonner
Agree. The one thing children need is for their parents to grow up.
This guy is so self-involved he doesn't even see that he has reverted to adolescence; he is locked in an ego-war with his children who, not coincidentally, are themselves trying to navigate the turbulence of adolescence.
23
This is such a heart wrenching story from every angle.
First, my heart breaks for the author who had to lie, deny and hide who he really was his entire life.
Second, the spouse whose life is shattered and left alone to deal with her two daughters struggles as well as her own, while her husband starts dating.
Finally, and really the most important, the two daughters who are not equipped emotionally to take such an overwhelming blow to their lives in their vulnerable early teen years. Even moving away across the country cannot escape it.
I so appreciate that this is not my life.
Maybe all that can be said is, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
36
We all learn parenting by trial and error, make mistakes and grow along the way. As children grow, their needs from us change and ideally force us to be more honest and open about our faults and flaws, and we can continue to change as well.
By living authentically as who you are, and being open with your struggles, you are being a true role model.
17
@Beth
“By living authentically as who you are, and being open with your struggles, you are being a true role model.”
AMEN. Beautifully put, and I couldn’t agree more. Continuing to live an unauthentic life would have helped no one.
4
We are tethered to the expectations from those who love us. It isn’t right or wrong, it just is. Parents always get the unfair distribution in the equation. We are free to do as we wish but not to expect others to get it. You are brave to write this and your kids braver in reading it. You found a wise person to add balance to your life. Be well.
35
This is an invaluable story about parenting. We parents would be wise to learn from this author, regardless of our sexual orientation or marital status. Thank you for sharing!
15
Disable the phone is the perfect antidote to the 14-17 year old disrespectful daughter. Sinister yet proper when that phone goes dark and nothing she can do to activate it without a face-to-face, heart-to-heart with Dad. Been there, done that. Well done Bill.
75
Disagree.
I’m not sure a therapist would agree with piling on more reason to resent their dad.
6
@JM Yes, this therapist would, depending on how it is done. I would tell my kids that I love them, want our relationship, and will do what I need to do to be there for them, even if they and their mother moved 700 miles away. I would tell them that relationships are hard, that anger and disappointment are part of relationships, and that one of the reasons I have bought and paid for their phones is to be able to communicate with them. They can be angry at me, but I am still their parent. Logical consequences are usually the best way to learn respect and connection. The last thing a kid needs is a parent who doesn't set reasonable boundaries and limits about getting along in this world.
14
@JM: Any therapist worth their salt would be getting those girls to realize that they have nothing legitimate to be resentful about. By the time you're in your teens, even early teens, you're capable of understanding the world is not all about you and your feelings alone.
A wake-up call to that fact as benign as letting cell service lapse to get that point across, and that you are still depending on your parent(s), is wholly appropriate.
9
Thank you Bill for sharing your story. You didn’t mention your ex-wife but I imagine she experienced loss as her life took a turn she didn’t imagine as well when you came out.
My young adult, wonderful son is gay and I am very thankful that he grew up in a more accepting time in a more accepting city. I am hopeful he will marry a good man and have children. His life won’t be easy as no one’s is but I am also hopeful that the time when gay people had to pretend to be straight is over.
Wishing you a happy father’s day Bill, you truly deserve to be happy.
132
@Annie My beautiful lifelong close friend in Chapel Hill, who was married 10 years and had a son and daughter by a husband who ostensibly was hetero, was devastated when he "came out" as gay, divorced her, took half the value of their home, and moved in with his boyfriend. Their children were greatly embarrassed in this small community, and they have not done well in the 2 decades since their father's "reveal." When you've made serious commitments while in the closet, honor those commitments and stay in the closet.
8
@Anne Russell. If my husband were gay, I would want to know. What a horrible fate, to remain married to someone who has to hide their identity and remain in a situation they have no passion for, growing increasingly estranged over the years. What kind of model is that? That's not going to create a healthy family environment, a healthy marriage, a healthy couple, or healthy children. It sounds like the community has a problem.
31
@Anne Russell
Your story is a bitter one, but your conclusion doesn’t sound like the best ( or only) answer. See the story below from Shar of Atlanta. Maintaining family and community relationships may be possible. The column shows how hard it can be. These are complex situations.
16
My daughter attended Catholic high school. One of her classmates was a lovely young man, Robert, the youngest of 4 sons, whose parents and brothers were religious and had all gone to this same school. Robert's three elder brothers had all followed high school with one of the military service academies, and Robert's dearest wish was to be accepted to West Point (which he was, graduated with distinction and now serves in Europe).
During my daughter's and Robert's junior year, Robert's father came out as gay. Robert's brothers all got family leave to come home, when they reaffirmed their support and faith in BOTH of their parents and in their continued identity as a family. Robert was proactive in letting his friends and classmates know - many attended his family's church and he didn't want the news coming with any tang of disparagement - and all were supportive. He and all of his brothers continue to serve, to be active in their Catholic congregations and to be close to both of their parents.
Although I do not know Robert's parents personally, I have often thought that they must be the best, strongest and most loving of role models.
126
Wow. Such a contrast in stories.
Helpfu!
9
@JM Yeah, except it says Robert and his brothers continue to be active in the Catholic Church --and nothing about the gay father and how he was or was not accepted by the congregation.
2
@Expat Annie
My guess?
“Love the sinner, hate the sin.”
I am a straight father of three. This story warmed my heart. I cannot fathom the challenges that those who don't fit the "norm" go through navigating through life in our society. But the one thing I do know is that, regardless of orientation, each of us have the opportunity to be the best parent we can be and we have to do what we can to be supportive of our children as they manage their way through whatever family and personal changes they are going through. And contrary to what many believe, sometimes that means taking the hard stance and maintaining boundaries and requirements, even if they push back hard. Happy Fathers Day to all who fulfill that role, regardless of what their actual relationship might be to the children.
64
Beautiful essay that brought me to tears, thank you for sharing it. Wishing you and your family a joyful Father’s Day and future.
26
I admire your courage, Bill. I'm a straight childless married woman, and even though we don't really have anything in common, I still felt deeply moved by your commitment to parenting your daughters. They're at an incredibly vulnerable time in their lives and they need you, much as they may push you away. I would give anything to have a Dad as devoted as you are. My own dad is a narcissist who lives about 3 hours away and has never once visited me in the 10 years we've lived in such close proximity. Father's Day is a tough one for me, but I take comfort in knowing that other women have great Dads like you. In my fairy tale ending to this story, you and Paul end up together in a happy blended family.
154
Reading these stories makes me realize
That we at some point we actually need to TELL our children that we did the very best we could to help them become healthy, stable, happy adults.
17
I'm a lawyer who specialises in family law and this essay warned my heart. So often these post-separation hiccups, which are really just a product of a natural readjustment period, are used by parents to justify ending or curtailing relationships. I wish your family (including your new one) all the best.
70
Thanks, and best of luck.
No parent m can impose major life changes on their child and not allow the child as much latitude as necessary to adapt.
Also tho' you had experience as a parent -and a bond - thank god - your adult identity wasn't exactly true. Thus you were actually going through a period of identity building very similar to what your daughter would be experiencing at that age. So for kids in the grip of finding themselves, who may need to try new things, they can be thrown for a loop if the parents seem suddenly unknowable or unreliable.
Most people don't like change. Forced change is harder. Children tend to hate it more than adults.
43
@cheryl I was thinking the exact same thing as I read the story. Even without the complications of divorce and in intact families, teenagers can act as this girl did. Add in divorce and other complicating factors (such as this situation), and the teenager is oftentimes overwhelmed.
There seems to be a loss of power when parents divorce, and teenagers can leverage that to the maximum. Additional confusing factors and huge changes such as presented in this story only add to the overall confusion.
26
Being completely open and honest is critical to regaining their respect.
8
Such a well written essay. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your story. Best wishes to you for a wonderful Father's Day.
30
Thank you, Bill. I immediately was drawn into your story and am jealous of you for your relationship with Paul. I can't wait to read this book -- your story. Thank you and many blessings to you both and to your families.
40
Bill, your story is my story too. You put into words what I have been through also. Thank you inspiration and courage.
63
Your story, here and in your wonderful book, should be required reading for all during Pride month. Your bravery and honesty are an inspiration. Thank you for opening up the closet door and sharing your story. Wishing you and Paul and your family the happiest of Father’s Days.
73