Don't leave your computer on your bed. Somebody did that in our apartment building, which led to an overheated computer which then led to a three alarm fire, displacing over 50 people and causing over $1,000,000 of damage. Put your computer on a non-flammable surface. This goes for your telephone as well.
5
There are so many issues to address in your post but here is a practical piece of advice. Do not stress your body with one legged stair climbing. Sit on the stair and lift yourself up with your hands then gently bump up or down the stairs on your behind. This was a great help when I broke my ankle, although you may not want to do it in public, you could. We’re gloves and don’t wear your finest clothing Also get a lightweight bag with a strap that you can put around your neck. Add a thermos with your coffee/tea/cocktails and everything else you will need for the morning/evening.
3
@Gaynor Cote
Returned to this article , and read your letter: it makes so much sense. Gloves are not something you ever think of in advance. too.
In addition to that thermos, make sure you carry your cell phone, or device to call for help, also in a safe pocket or in a easy to access cross body or waist carrier. So - you can reach help if you need to. It his me only after a couple falls in out of sight places!
A beautiful personal story. I can relate to the laundry! A few years ago I struggled with unrelenting pain in both knees. Couldn't walk a block, stairs were avoided, went everywhere at a snail's pace, would fall down at the slightest breeze. I learned then how thoughtless people could be, but hey, I was just like them before the pain.
Then I had knee replacements. Now I walk well, can go up and down stairs and life is pretty good.
The experience taught me how irritating and awkward life is with a disability— how difficult regular day to day living can be, things normal bodied people take for granted. Now, I do small things like offer my arm at cross walks. Sometimes it's taken, sometimes rejected, but I walk in tandem with the person anyway. I never use the handicapped stalls; somebody in worse shape than me might need it.
I salute people in wheelchairs, with walkers and canes. They are the heroes.
5
Although I am only 66, the last few years of my life have been very difficult. Always athletic, now on disability after a complicated fracture of my arm in 2016. This last September, I fell, hit my head and fractured my C-4 vertebrae. The ED physician at the University ignored my extreme pain and missed diagnosis of the vertebral fracture. Surgery for cervical spinal stenosis ensued. Do I throw away my skis, what do I do with my two bikes. I’m still walking with a cane and my only family support is my 89 year old mother. She is in much better health than I am.
5
I feel really bad about the author's broken ankle, but now she gets the idea what it's like to live as a disabled person does EVERY DAY. She's going to get better. I deal with an incurable disorder that, like her father's old age is not going to get better, but unlike old age, will not result in my death. I have to think to myself, "OH THE HUMANITY! She's not well, but she'll get better!"
Oh, she misses him. Still the concentration on HERSELF.
Did it ever occur to her to get up from her supper at the restaurant and clear the way for her father's walker so that he could GET to the restroom before he soiled himself? No, disabled people think like that. Abled people don't.
Maybe she will be a bit more empathetic now. Too little, too late.
6
@Dejah
I hope you can find kindness towards yourself and others as you move forward.
24
@Dejah I’m sorry you have an incurable disorder. It appears you’re taking out your frustrations on the author, however. If you read again what she wrote, she actually helped her dad as much as she could and as much as he *let her*.
18
@Dejah
And i always try to repeat to myself before I speak out.
T-Is it thoughtful
H-Is it honest?
I- Is it intelligent
N-Is it necessary?
K-Is it kind?
Dejah, I do hope you know that the negative comments only affect you. It is the reason I try not engage in them. "You meet nobody but yourself" is another favorite expression I speak to myself often. Your feelings both positive and negative impact you. I wish better for you. You deserve it. Put out good and good comes back to you.
14
For the last 20 years as my legs became "heavier" and I started losing balance I began to wonder. Regardless of the issue I knew money and health insurance would be key to survival, so half of everything went into saving and investment.
At 63 I needed a walker, even at work. The wind or a crack in the sidewalk could send me down and I was unable to get up. I worked in a VERY hazardous environment. Told the boss I was retiring early. He modified my work so I could make it 65.
Arthritis, stenosis, neuropathy, I hit the trifecta. But, I can drive a car, have good eyesight and full mental capacity. I can get around the house with little assistance; I think it's called "the walls are your friend."
I have the money for major house renovations. I have good upper body strength to compensate for the dead lower half.
I can use the supermarket shopping cart as a walker. I use my yard cart to tend to the garden. I can even put the trash barrels out.
But anything the requires bending, kneeling or getting on the ground is out.
I knew something was wrong 20 years ago when I was in great shape, and a younger body could compensate. And I made sure I prepared. And I bet right.
Specialist have said there are things that can be done. I believe them but am not sure the multiple surgeries are worth it.
I've grown fond of and proficient with my walker.
35
@Paul
Your honest, personal story shook me. Good on your boss for helping you to continue to work if you wanted to.
15
@A Citizen
The company went through a bankruptcy during the Great Recession and all the younger workers swore they would leave as soon as the economy improved.
It did. They did. And so many people left entire regions had no staff ("staff" might mean 2-4 people in the same office.)
No one would hire an old goat like me so I stayed. Turned out to be the right move since they needed old guys with experience, a major reason my boss worked with me to keep me around.
16
@Paul
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
I can relate ... tough stuff.
Thank you for this essay. I recently began taking public transportation to work. It's sad how many elderly and disabled people are on there. Some I ride with almost daily. I have come to see the bus drivers as pseudo caregivers, really. They must assist them onto the bus, secure their wheelchairs in place, remember where they need off, assist them as they disembark...did I mention the summers here top 105? And these old people are waiting at bus stops.
Last week, as I waited to cross the street after getting off the bus, a voice from behind said "Can I cross with you?" I turned around, and there was a man easily in his 80's stooped over a walker. Cars whizzed by four lanes of traffic on a busy workday morning.
"I'm blind." As we made our way across together, it seemed for the first time that there was precious little time before the timer allowing you to walk counts down to zero.
43
@Velvet goss - I had an elderly woman ask me at an intersection to cross her. I was so honored that of all the people on the corner she trusted me at sight to help. Maybe its because I am tall and big and easy to see, I don't know. But I know our lights here give 20 seconds to cross and even count them down for a person.
Still, that does no good if someone comes crashing through on their phone texting while driving.
32
Very well written piece. Thank you Kristin.
At 80, I am constantly making adjustments and compromises about how I live, which I've learned is part of growing older. Doing things that both my wife and I used to do with ease and take for granted now require careful thought and often planning. Having seen how easy it is to fall and really end up in bad shape, caution is my new mantra.
Living in a one story home makes life much easier and paying to have some jobs done around the house that previously were possible for me is the new norm. Fortunately we have our son, his wife and our 5 year old grandson very close to keep an eye on us and bring pleasure to our lives but we certainly don't ever want to become a burden to them.
18
Do not abandon the dog. Your father loved him and the dog loves you wether you realize it or not.
25
You knew someone was going to say it, right!
Bring your dad’s dog back home. Having a pet sitter in twice a day to feed and walk him/her won’t cost more than boarding and I’m sure the dog is grieving your dad and depressed from losing a home.
Also, spray some slider lubricant on the skids of the door. Much easier to open and close.
23
I am also a survivor of a loved one’s fatal journey through Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus (NPH) dementia & its life altering consequences. A missed diagnosis by a neurosurgeon after a head injury in 2005 resulted in 7 years of inexplicable personality, health & professional changes culminating in a fall causing a severe traumatic brain injury. The CT images in 2012 were exactly the same as those in 2005.
Life after diagnosis, gold standard rehab, unbelievable tenacity and resilience of my loved one and my dogged and unrelenting advocacy took us deeper into medical hell. After 4 years my coffee addicted experimental basic research physicist/university professor loved one succumbed to the devastating neurological finale of no longer being able to swallow.
There are so many tragic losses but his personality changes prior to diagnosis that led me to think of divorce, then after diagnosis my love and devotion rekindled over time knowing that the disease was living through him are haunting. He could have died without letting me know he loved me but somehow during his last neural firings he gave me a parting gift.
He in a hospital bed, me in a chair jammed up to the bed with one arm supporting his damaged brain and broken arm and the other resting on his broken heart, he wiggled and said he wanted to be closer to me.
Six months later I broke my left ankle. 3.5 years later I broke my right ankle. Both times doing yardwork that I worried would result in him falling.
19
Addendum
Just a clarification on describing my loved one’s profession. It is not meant to boast but to pay homage to his legacy.
Dementia, disability and traumatic injuries are equal opportunity. Anyone at any time can face any one or more of these life-altering challenges.
I learned about moments of joy, fiblets, validation, redirection, special products, tips and tricks and other coping techniques to keep us from drowning.
I also learned that even I need to accept all kinds of support despite my going it alone and indpendent character.
With little time and lack of available in person support groups I found e-villages that became my life savers. Knowing other people going through the same journey strengthened me. I found someplace where I didn’t have to hear “oh he looks so healthy,” “you are overreacting” and for my broken ankles “you need to get off the couch and start doing something” despite proven medical evidence that bones take at least 6 weeks to be sufficiently healed to return to normal activities (and slowly).
My ankle fractures were stable so I didn’t need surgery which was another reason for comments about my “laziness”.
I recommend these on-line support groups where I learned more about surviving than any book, doctor...
Alzconnected.org - an e-village of support for any dementia
Mybrokenleg.com - in the middle of the night when the pain is so intense and you don’t know if it’s normal...
NPH Yahoo forum - closed group
8
It all falls apart. At 64, this is what I am coming to believe. I guess it is how we shoulder it. Thank you for sharing.
11
Those of us in good health sure do take it all for granted, don't we? Me, I'm overall in good health, but I did have a few weeks where an ankle infection (after a biopsy) made walking very arduous and slow. Another time I fell off my bike (after almost being 'doored') and hurt my elbow, and had problems simply putting on a shirt.
Such experiences have made me try to always appreciate those periods where all is going well for me. I try to never take it for granted.
I also firmly believe in the 'when life gives you lemons' line. If you need to use crutches, or a walker, or a cane, or a hearing aid, don't just embrace, but use it as an opportunity to humor yourself, to show your creativity, and in the process, destigmatize all these accouterments of failing health. Get yourself the fanciest, most elegant cane you can. Invest in a high-end hearing aid designed in Italy, etc. For a walker, add your own personal touches or kooky decorations.
We all need help at times in our lives, when it comes to our physical movements and senses. Nothing wrong with that, nor anything to be ashamed of. Why must all such aids be so clinical-looking and unattractive? It needn't be that way.
Whenever I'm feeling badly about a current physical malady I may be experiencing, it's not hard for me to find someone in my midst who is far, far worse. Perspective is also important, all things being considered.
23
Lisa, many of us in healthcare are worse when it comes to taking our own health for granted.
It's hard sometimes to remember our own mortality when working with others
2
@Lisa I have had terrible experiences with the medical "system," so am not getting knee replacements...This has led to a lifestyle change--and I use a walker. I resisted at first, false pride, I guess...but I was trying to hobble into the library one day and some woman said, "You have your nerve making people watch you try to walk" (yes, some people are pretty creepy oh, well, karma'll get 'em ). I thought the heck with it...and now use the walker even in the house, esp for the many nightly pit stops. I have grab bars (love those) in the bathroom. I plan each thing I am doing.. I just plain go slowly...I find it has made me more focused and contemplative. However, there are still times when I burst into tears--darn, darn, darn!
2
@StarLawrence
So sorry... my heart is with you....
With age we learn to assess risk and it creates the illusion that we are involuting or incapable of enjoying life to its fullest. In fact as we age , if we are honest with ourselves, we realize that the changes that will be imposed on our lives by that fall down the slope, or slip on the ice, or tumble from a horse just are not worth the risk, and we avoid them. Its one of the true sacrifices we accept with age, and in the end is worth it to maintain the dignity of independent life.
16
@malabar I have a friend with three horses living alone on a little ranch. I worry. I insist she keep her phone on her at all times...
I’d like to add a thank you to the author on her comments about visiting the sick and shut-ins, especially those with dementia. I know assisted living and nursing homes are not always pleasant to go to, for various reasons, as my mother progressed from one to the other over 12 years and had increasing dementia (with all the behavioral changes) and several strokes. But she had a few faithful friends and a niece who would come regularly to visit, and I’ll always be grateful to them for their thoughtfulness and kindness.
33
The story reminds me of the decades I spent caring for my mother, after she tried the first time to end her own life.
This was a woman who was so brilliant and beautiful as a young woman, but she made bad choices and ended up alone after divorce, and lost the will to go on.
She succumbed to medical problems, and passed away, mercifully after only a few days in a nursing home.
After caring for her for 26 years,I have determined that there is no way I will *ever* put my sons through that agony.
When I reach the point where I can't be independent, and health is declining, I will take my own life to spare my children dealing with a sick old man.
16
@jkarov - An awesome thing you have done. Inspiring. Appreciate the desire to not burden your children. Still I am guessing hey will have some role to play in your old age. It is not a bad thing or lesson for them, with the added benefit it will bring a smile to you.
5
@Uwe Thank you for your kind thoughts
My joy in them being young men of accomplishment, honor, and character is reward enough, and that's all they ever need do for me
As to any role my sons would have when i'm old or infirm, they are well aware of my intentions. The 26 years I cared for Mom is motivation to spare them
6
@jkarov Speaking from experience there is something in between not being independent to killing oneself. Plan your aging in place. Also taking your life is a real bear for those left behind. I know.
10
I've spent the last 51 weeks recuperating from a leg injury. I second the need for a good lightweight backpack, and clothing with pockets. I'd add that a tightly sealed commuter cup which can go into said backpack means you won't have to stand in front of the coffee maker while having your morning "Joe." Good luck with your recovery!
12
This is a touching article and Kristin Palm is the empathetic daughter every aging person needs. This also captures the difficulties of every person at any age coping with difficulties walking. Due to an automobile accident, my husband has spent the past 25 year struggling to walk and living with almost continual nerve pain. Through it all he has demonstrated remarkable fortitude; kept his sense of humor and joy in life. Please remember that the slow walking person, the wheelchair bound person, is first and foremost a human being and not someone to rush past and ignore. Be aware that you couldn't, unknowingly be discriminating against them, you could be treating them as less than you would treat a person with all their physical capacities. Above all, be kind.
41
@Linda Bell I wish doctors would read your post. If a person is clunking around your office in a chair or using a walker--give them routine test results on the phone and don't insist they come back over. Have exam tables that adjust to a lower height. Don't stand there tapping your foot with impatience as the patient tries to heave onto a table. Don't ask shaky patients sit on little stools with wheels.
7
I love this essay because it captures a commodity in short supply when it comes to the elderly: empathy and love. We all will be old someday if we are lucky, yet too many of us treat the elderly as if they are invisible. When my wonderful mother-in-law developed dementia, it hurt me to hear some of our relatives and her friends, young and old, say they would no longer visit her because they wanted to “remember her the way she was.” Even in her last months, she loved visits even if she wasn’t sure who her visitor was, being read poetry, listening to music, and as a life-long gardener having flowers in her room. We appreciate those who stuck by her and the wonderful staff who made her journey easier; as for those who abandoned her, I hope people are more empathetic to them when they are old and infirm.
53
@J. This is so lovely, thank you.
I hope that the writer's father had a physician who knew that hydrocephalus is an often reversible form of dementia via a shunt implanted into a brain ventricle to drain the excess fluid to the abdomen or another part of the body. In my case it took a nasty fall and an alert emergency room physician to get the CT scan revealing “humongous” (a neurologist’s description) vents. Up until then my presenting with the classic “wacky, wobbly, wet” triad had been met with physicians telling me I wasn’t getting any younger, as if all men in their fifties urinate in their pants, fall all the time, and can never remember where they are going. Far too many of us with this condition end up simply diagnosed with dementia and warehoused in nursing homes to await an ignominious end. Someday I will find an editor and publisher for my manuscript about the experience.
37
My NPH journey with my loved one was marred with misdiagnoses, botched surgeries, life threatening complications that he survived despite in one case being told that patients whose midlines of their brains shift as much as his (12 cm) due to subdural hematoma 4 weeks post surgery by a world renowned expert, go directly to nursing homes.
The most astounding thing about that experience was that none of the 2 neurosurgeons (out of state and in state) who treated him investigated the cause of the hematoma. I had to ask/send 10 questions and behavioral observations to them to agree with me that the cause was due to the neurosurgeon not performing a critical surgical step.
LNB - I suggest that you publish your story on the internet. I created a wordpress blog during our journey that helped me unload my frustrations and provided sustenance by helping others.
I no longer maintain it but do check the stats. Visitors from every country. It remains active because I want to contribute what little I can to prevent others from suffering as we did.
https://agent99chaos.wordpress.com
I highly recommend on-line support groups. I never thought I would reveal so much about my life but when I was in the throes of caregiving and my own broken ankles after dementia they sustained me.
Alzconnected.org - an e-village of support for any dementia
Mybrokenleg.com - in the middle of the night when the pain is so intense and you don’t know if it’s normal...
NPH Yahoo forum - closed group
7
@Agent 99
Correction:
Midline brain shift was 14mm not 12 cm.
@Agent 99
Thank you very much for sharing yourself and your information so generously.
We are all in this together.
4
He was lucky to have a daughter like you.
50
I understand. I remember reading an article about how they teach medical students about what it feels like to be old. Vaseline on glasses for fading eyes, gloves on hands to mimic arthritis, pebbles in shoes to show how losing fat on feet means your feet are more sensitive and finally cotton balls in your ears.
As they say "growing old is not for the faint of heart" and yet that is what so many elder people are facing alone.
Kudos to you for helping your dad. He sounded like a cool guy.
39
@kenyalion - Ah. cotton balls in ears. That explains why doctors seem so dang deaf!
1
I had back surgery last year and used a walker for a while. Also, I couldn't bend over while I healed, which caused problems. I had never realized how much bending over a person does every day. But, I found a surprising number of devices to help me. Those grabber devices that can be used to pick things up turned out to be a life saver. I also got a device that helps you put your socks on, and back scrubbers for in the shower as well as long-handled pads for putting lotion on your back and legs. Best of all was a long-handled litter box shovel so I could clean the cat box. I also got a double-bowled container for the cat's food and water that had a long handle so I didn't need to bend over. I found there are entire websites devoted to selling stuff to help people be independent. I'm all healed now, but confess I still use the grabber and the cat tools.
30
@Ms. Pea I'm kitty sitting next weekend in a back brace after surgery, and I'm really grateful for your kitty suggestion.
7
I do not wish injury or illness on anyone, but it would be very helpful if everyone had first hand (or leg or foot) knowledge of the mobility issues that hinder some older folks. Try being disabled and trying to board a train. I am not in a wheel chair, but have limited mobility and walk with a cane. It is all but impossible for some of us to board some trains because of the huge gap between the train and platform and the height of steps on some trains. The only way for me to board was to be put in a sort of cage which is then lifted up to the height of the train. It is not only humiliating but often the plans that are made with Amtrak in advance are ignored. The last time I went through this nightmare, the folks at my final destination forgot to fetch me and I was left on an empty train trying desperately to get the attention of any one passing by to get someone to get me off the train. I was left for almost 20 minutes until finally came to get me. It was horrible.
42
@Texas Democrat Even on a good day traveling by train (no delays, adequate seats, a kind conductor), this describes an experience fraught with stress and discomfort, physically and mentally. I'm so sorry you are dealing with these challenges daily. That sounds like a nightmarish experience being left on the train.
Here's one thing that people with full mobility should keep in mind — if and when accidents or old age happens to us, it will go so much better if we are physically fit with strong muscles. When I exercise now, I call squats my "getting up off the toilet" exercise.
22
And to the extent possible, control one’s weight. Being obese ( along with the atrophy mentioned ) can also exacerbate the recovery of mobility after a fall. Furthermore, being greatly overweight can limit the care a spouse can provide to move someone about the home.
21
@Suburban Cowboy Wish I could vote 10 times for controlling one's weight. It multiplies the problem many times over for both the person and the care giver.
4
@Citizen-of-the-World Absolutely! And do upper body strengthening exercises through your entire life. I learned early when I saw a woman in a nursing home who had had a planned hip replacement. She couldn't use a walker because her arms were so weak she couldn't support herself. Physical therapy would come by, try to get her up, say she was too weak and put her back. She declined so fast. No one had told her in advance of her surgery to exercise and she thought lifting weights was "a man thing."
It was a wake up call for me in my late 20's that I've never forgotten. I exercise daily and am so thankful for my strong muscles and in-control weight now that I'm in my 60's.
Start now!
3
Everyone should experience these limitations while young so that they have more empathy for the handicapped and people who are aging. When I was in OT school (Occupaional Therapy) we did an exercise to simulate limited abilities. We wore gloves to limit sensation and dexterity. Weights on ankles to make moving a little more difficult. Eye glasses with a little vaseline in the lenses to make vision a little blurry. I don't remember the rest.
This was one way to experience however slightly what it is like to live with impairments. It should be a required experience for everyone, in high school, college, sometime.
Also, in January I broke my knee cap, and then two months later I had a knee replacement. And I live alone. Just as the author, I learned a lot about adapting my daily activites, and asking for help. It teaches you many things, including patience and gratitude for what you are still able to do.
25
Every comment that I have read so far has a message about the writer or is an opportunity to pass on additional information about those that have difficulties with mobility (for whatever reason).
To you Kristin, I want to say this:
You were an amazing, loving, THERE daughter for your father. I hope you know that. We should all be so fortunate to have someone like you to make the indignities and challenges of aging (and what that means to the body and the mind), to care for us in our final days.
Here's to your good health and hopefully your boot and crutches are now in the back of your closet!
40
Being disabled means huge life adjustments. My spinal cord injury has me in a scooter - unable to walk, but able to stand. The bathroom stalls that are marked "handicapped" but give you no room to turn your wheelchair/scooter around thus no way to get onto the toilet. And adult diapers just mean you sit around in your own waste... no thanks!
We joke around about it within our support groups, but you really can't imagine it until you've been there.
Losing your mobility is life changing, but with time and patience (and therapy, both physical and mental) become indispensable.
17
Tough to age in America where not only aging but any overt evidence of disability or cognitive slowing makes one the object of disdain and irritation or ignored at best. The shaming, isolation and humiliation of older adults is the norm.
Empathy, patience or even basic politeness are notions discarded as a result the overwhelming embrace of unrelenting self centeredness and narcissism that is the currency of social media. Youth and uber fitness are aspirational goals.
Particularly galling are stories of octogenarians running marathons or sky diving as exemplary models for what aging folk should emulate. Most “aged” persons are lucky and thankful to merely navigate everyday life.
42
As daddy’s girl, it pains my heart to see my father’s steady decline from his grace and my pedestal. We stopped going to the beach as a tradition every winter break because A) getting to the water from our rental on the boardwalk was like climbing a mountain, and B) walking on the yielding sand was no longer an option. I remember having acute tunnel vision of what the route to get to the shore looked like. Never before had I seen or realized how long, far, and precarious it could be just to walk up a few wooden stairs without railings. It was like being in a gothic cathedral for the first time, looking up at the immense and distant ceiling, feeling so minuscule and inadequate. How could it be done? His independence waned alongside his mobility, which has possibly been more painful than the back surgeries he endured. As an urban planning professor, he loved to travel; his life revolved around understanding and exploring cities. Now that walking to- and from the couch is an arduous task, the thought of roaming uncharted streets is more than a distant memory, but like life in an entirely different world. I wish he would be able to find joy and gratitude for the smaller things he is still able to do and experience, but my hopes for this seem to put more pressure on him, leading to a strained relationship between us. I love him as he is now, and I know I should be more understanding, but I also miss who he once was, when he felt he was whole.
32
@SS YOU miss what he once was, it pains YOU to see his decline - how do you think he feels? No wonder you have strained his relationship with you. He needs your selfless compassion and strength and constant help and understanding. Can you do that?
6
@Marty Smith Lot of travel films on Netflix. And for lifelong gardeners, I recommend BIG DREAMS, in which British gardening expert Monty Don helps homeowners make incredible gardens in their little backyards. Wonderful--puts a smile on your face. Also Netflix.
@SS Very honest comments. I am so sorry you were attacked for being candid during a difficult time in your father's life....and therefore yours.
1
Being 'sandwiched’ in the middle generation is the catchphrase today but the concept has long existed. So the 50 somethings have parents in their 80s and children in their 20s most likely. The filial piety of taking care of one’s elder who took care of us in our youth is truly a 'pay it back’ and 'pay it forward’ case. Do the best you can for the aged family members at their end days and make certain your children ( their grandchildren ) have some participation or at very least clear knowledge of what you do. That way it carries on.
31
This article touches on so many subjects: chief among them inhospitable physical environments and the the fear of disability - which can strike anyone at any age but is more common as we age. A remarkable number of individuals see assistive devices as an assault on their sense of self instead of ways to live more independently and safely. Employers sometimes see asking for the simplest of accommodations as asking for special treatment. The list goes on. We need to have more conversations like this one. Thank you to the author.
40
How blessed you were to have your dad, warts and all. Mine is gone 58 years and died when I was a baby. We had a step dad 6 months later since my young mom did not want to be a widow with 4 children at the age of 3. My step dad had no blood of his blood and we do not know to this day why he married my mom. He owned a Beauty Salon, went antiquing on weekends and house hunting. He also read all the time and that I got from him gratefully. We had a great library in our foyer of all the books. I read like crazy. It saved me. My step dad tried his level best with four psychologically damaged step children even taking us to family therapy. Eventually puberty threw him from our family to his own new found freedoms in Fire Island and Sag Harbor NY. I always wondered what a real dad experience would have been. My mom tried to make all signs of my real dad disappear to have us believe our step dad was our father since we were all so very young. Needless to say, this did not work. It came clearly to light when we all turned 18 and our real dads family, the ones that looked just like us, reached out to form new relationships. We had my moms grandparents who were a tremendous source of life support so that it was my grandfather I spent Fathers Day with until I was 27. This Fathers Day, I try to remember that ALL people are doing their level best and all there is is love. I am grateful.
18
@A Citizen
"This Fathers Day, I try to remember that ALL people are doing their level best and all there is is love. I am grateful."
How beautiful, and wise. Thank you.
7
I too have difficulty walking, and have to use a walker or cane, so I'm familiar with some of those inconveniences.
"A light bulb needed changing? The basement flooded during a record-breaking rain? ... Well, let’s just say, when push came to shove, he was not too proud to call on friends."
Another solution, which I use, is to rent an apartment where the landlord can be called to do that.
27
@Charlesbalpha
Yes to an apartment. My husband and I (in our 60s/70s) are extremely fortunate to be healthy, very mobile, and the owners of an apt in a full-service condo. We don’t have to worry about making repairs, shoveling snow, raking leaves, dealing with water in the basement, etc. etc. etc. No car, so no worries about any reduction in driving skills. If we can’t shop, we can get food delivered. There’s public transportation. No stairs. Full staff to help if we need it.
The only problem with our solution is that it requires MONEY. And the US has a tsunami of poverty heading our way, as Baby Boomers retire with little or no savings, no company pensions, and the threat of reduced social security. It’s a national disgrace.
13
@MDF
It would not cost a lot to build an entire set of city buildings devoted to the needs of the elderly. It would cost more NOT to develop the affordable housing that this mayor speaks of but delivers nothing. In Florida, one feature of assisted living apartments is if the person does not pass the door to the bathroom say by 10AM where there is an electronic eye at the entry to record it, then they are checked on. There are countless inexpensive yet effective things that can be done to help the elderly live in assisted apartments such as you describe. It can be done and would not be too costly even in NYC where you have great medical facilities, education and cultural venues too. It is more costly NOT to do anything as the problem mounts. Seniors will require a greater level of care costing so much more. There is a NYC service called Acess A Ride. It was great at its inception but has since fallen into the hands of UBER. This mayor made a deal with the devil and the elderly and disabled suffer at their untrained hands. We can do better and must.
1
@A Citizen
I agree with you. And Manhattan is very well-suited to retirees because everything is here.
But to be clear, this is not "assisted living." By "full-service" I mean a Manhattan high-rise with concierges, doormen, handymen, porters, a health club, etc. If we had to buy our apt today, we couldn't afford it -- but we bought decades ago. We are lucky, lucky, lucky. Most people aren't. So what we have is not a scalable solution for a problem that's only going to get worse.
And I'd hate to be hanging by my hair until our mayor makes this a priority. Or our president, for that matter.
4
Thank you for writing such a lovely and important article. I needed to be reminded to look up--meaning, count my blessings.
32
What a wonderful story and so true to life. It sounds like my father. I too have suffered a leg injury and watch as my 88 year father and 85 year old father in law struggle with their ability to walk and do things years ago they had no trouble doing. It has opened my eyes to the difficulty people of any age face when mobility becomes a chore instead of pleasure most of all for the elderly who refuse or are not ready or able to move to an assisted living facility.
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@Robert Bogdan
We need to do more to help people age in place. We need, as a Society to respect age and stop taking the elderly down to the river in a basket for our own convenience. More can be done. One of the two dozen need to take on this issue since the basket will come for them too.
15
Sincere condolences for your loss. What it boils down to is empathy...and preparation. We all need to be kinder to the older person who moves more slowly, can’t open a heavy door or carry a small bag. Because, unless we die young and are not granted the privilege of living to older age, all of us will need help in some way.
Many people tell me they want to age in place. But to make that happen, you need to be ready. Small things like thresholds to your shower or bathroom, 2 or 3 stairs to get into key parts of your house, narrow doors and hallways that are charming now will become mountains if you develop mobility issues. Make the adjustments early. That way you (or more likely your family) aren’t faced with doing things during a crisis,
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When my 87 year old mother became infirm and ended up with mobility issues, I faced a dilemma. She would wither away and die in an "assisted" living center (she was in rehab...aka nursing home...for 3 weeks and it was horrific for her) or I could move in and help. That's what I did. My older brother was too busy to be bothered to ever help, so everything fell on me. It hasn't been easy, but it has been a great bonding experience. My mom is cognitively as sharp as ever and having me there to assist (yes, I still work and go to school) and having my children visit on weekends is great. She has improved more than doctors have ever hoped and it serves as an example for my own kids...the sacrifice hasn't been easy but it has been well worth it.
Sadly, I also have witnessed how having a walker makes a person invisible and worthless in the eyes of so many in society. I can be out with my mom and people only address me. The synagogue she has been a member of for more than 50 years is most unwelcoming and the youngish female rabbi is surprisingly not interested in her...she has no idea how to deal with older, mobility challenged people so avoids it. So sad, but so reflective on our society.
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@Hexagon
My mother lost her eyesight in 1972 and did not adapt well at all. My siblings were all married and too busy to help out, so I lived at home and cared for her until her death 20 years ago. I never regretted it - she and I enjoyed traveling and listening to books on tape. In her last years she required someone to be with her during the day while I worked. We had a wonderful caretaker who became part of the family. One of my siblings is still furious over the fact that I inherited the house mom and I had lived in, even though she inherited a rental house. Of course, "fair" to this sister means 90% to her, the rest to be shared by everyone else. I still miss her constantly.
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@Hexagon
you are helping to insure that your mother remains a person and not an object, and doing it with some grace, too!
i have been crippled for 32 years and counting, alone.
11
Miss whom ? Your mom whom you took great care of ? Or the sister you thought was rational but was not.
I have always loved an old adage that I first heard many years ago: "If we had the bodies of our youth when we aged, and the wisdom of our maturity when we were young, it would be a very different world."
Indeed it would. Sooner or later, however, age catches up with most of us, one way or the other. It is one of the things that triggers maturity in us, as we realize that we are not, after all, invincible.
It is not about knowing when to give up. It is about knowing when to give in to our nascent reality, and to then adjust our approach to life in accordance with our own bodily evolution.
That, itself, is yet one more reason that empathy toward our aging parents, and others, is called for. We are next, and will no doubt welcome such empathy and support from our own children when it is needed most.
24
You capture the reality well. I tore my quadriceps tendon last year and had a few months of it myself. I don't wish disability on anyone, but it does give you an appreciation for what so many in this country go through. I am especially saddened when it is caused by poor diet and lifestyle.
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@Mitch Collins
Many disabled individuals are over weight because they are disabled not the reverse. The situation is more complex than you suggest, Please be careful before adding fat shaming to the difficulties already faced by the disabled.
31
@CFR Thank you for pointing this out. When you are wheelchair bound, it is EXTREMELY difficult to not gain weight. And eating is one of the pleasures left to you when so many other things disappear, so it is even harder to limit oneself.
14
My condolences on the loss of your Father. Mend well soon.
When my Grandmother died, my Mom took 3 pancake like rubber objects home. They assist in opening stubborn lids of glass jars. As she was dying from cancer, she gave them to me. They are now in my drawer
I've used them, recently, and am thankful for her foresight.
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I admire your father's spirit in going to the martini bar nightly for a glass of wine, conversation and companionship. My condolences on your loss. I hope you are on the mend soon.
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When my husband and I married at age 61 and 55, respectively, we made a point of shopping for a single story house--not because we were infirm, but because we knew we would be, some day. It took some searching, but we found our one-level, 1800 Sq Ft, very manageable home (the previous owner installed wide doorways and grab bars in the bathrooms). Five years later, we both remain fit, limber and active--but we know we won't always be. And we are glad to have a home that will support us in our inevitable physical decline.
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Oh yes. I understand all of this--all too well.
I was the "responsible party" for my elderly father for 12 years, while raising my own young family and working full time. I thought I truly understood the hazards and difficulties a person with moderate (and eventually increasing) mobility issues faced. I did understand-up to a point.
Then came the early morning I fell down the front stairs going to work broke my foot,required surgery, and then could not drive for three months.
I knew what to do in recovery--from my experience with my dad.
It was the experiencing it first hand that REALLY OPENED MY EYES and prompted me to begin preparations for when mobility issues are NOT TEMPORARY.
72
My main point is how often a person with a visible or not visible handicap is treated badly--ignored, dismissed, treated as though they are lying or are stupid. I tend to be a bit adventurous and have broken a good number of bones over my lifetime. Each time, I've reinforced my commitment to assuring that people with disabilities have access and are treated with dignity and respect. Each time, I've found how difficult it is to move around, park, and find access in even those places that are "handicapped friendly." I've also found that too many people are rude and uncaring.
It's not just aging, it's all of us who are or could be handicapped at any time. Please be kind.
126
There is a special heartbreak for those of us who are disabled but appear to be able-bodied (the able-bodied disabled, in other words).
I have suffered rudeness and discrimination due to my (invisible) disability, most recently at the Post Office and at a Social Security office, by people acting as though I’m faking disability or something.
While it’s nice to be told, “Well, you look great!” even though my body is falling apart on the inside, it’s difficult navigating this world as a disabled person when others are skeptical or downright mean because the disability is not apparent to the naked eye.
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@snowy owl
I have been rude or dismissive--only realizing it later. Thanks for the reminder.
13
@Incorporeal Being: I am so sorry you are dealing with this on top of your very real health problems.
My attitude is that if someone is parked in a handicapped spot and they have a handicapped placard/plate, then I assume they are disabled. Who am I to expect, let alone demand, proof?
2
I broke my ankle 3 years ago. I was so thankful that we had recently installed a handicap accessible shower for my parents to visit. I also added railings to the front stairs as soon as I could. Once I could walk without crutches, I was slow. I noticed the impatience on many faces as I tried to navigate shopping and commuting. It’s amazing how something like that opens up your eyes.
63
This resonates now. I have a very bad knee at present and the laundry is in the basement down steep stairs. I also toss the laundry down the stairs and carefully get myself down the stairs using the railings and very careful steps. You can bring it back up again dragging it in a bag. I have started thinking : " What will it cost to reconfigure the upstairs to house the laundry ?" " Will the city give me a permit ?" " Do the neighbors have to agree that I can enclose the back porch and add plumbing ?" My sisters and I have talked recently. We remember our mother becoming more and more stiff and slow. We have agreed that we were not sympathetic enough.
76
I thinks it’s upsetting, sad or even maybe a bit frightening for our children to witness the physical decline of their once active parents.
It adds another level of worry to their already stressed lives.
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@Consuelo
No one is ever sympathetic enough until they are in the same position. That's they way of life! No need for a major renovation. I would recommend getting what practically every household in Europe has: a combo washer/dryer. They do not need a vent and can fit under the sink, just like a dishwasher. They do need water and a drain, plus electricity. I am 62. I can still do the stairs to the basement, but I plan to install a combo in the next 2 years. I had one once in an apartment and loved it. They only thing is, they can't do very large loads, so I plan to drop comforters off to have them cleaned, or leave my current washer dryer in the basement and ask the occasional visitor to help me. Check them out.
16
thank you for writing this. i loved the descriptions of the many small incremental changes you and your father made as time passed.
34
Falls are the Number 1 Killer.
Sounds depressing but Seniors should share details about their falls, particularly if it was
Preventable.
The details of how one fell can prompt a visual image to serve as a reminder of what Not to do.
Seniors at every age must expect to take a fall so that they will intentionally behave more cautiously.
Tip: Always have one hand free to “catch oneself” if one stumbles and always hold onto handrails.
This must become a conscious habit.
14
@JM
1-too cautious almost always guarantees a fall. just as when i first took horseback riding lessons and we were taught to fall, a good few sessions with a PT should be taken to learn how and how to recover after a fall. also, ongoing PT will certainly help in many ways.
2- tell me how someone has 'one hand free' if they need crutches or a walker?
7
@linh
Chuckle: i too riding lessons but must have missed that one about how to fall. ( years ago acquired useful experience in judo, but it has been years without practice). Only fell off once, and was uninjured but t happened SO unexpectedly that I just flew. Horse OK as well. Both of us lucky.
I did take a fall prevention course, and it was good, even if I knew many of the hints. The main thing is to prepare: make sure your shoes fit correctly; be prepared for slippery conditions, if you are walking on uneven or rough surfaces, focus on where you are stepping ( not, as I was doing when I broke wrist bones, on talking);
The best thing about that course: meeting a group of people all of whom were confronting different issues with balance or walking, whether from injury, illness or aging alone.
One of the successes for one woman in the group: being able to be speak up about needing minor assistance to get into a art studio where she loved to work. Giving it up would be accepting a shrinking world. A little bit of a hand ( this was not an accessible building) and she could continue to be fully herself.
12
Several years I ago, I broke my foot (tripped over a driveway curb and suffered a Jones fracture), and two weeks later, my daughter (a HS sophomore) broke hers. We were a two person household, living in a 2 story house. Luckily for me, I broke my left foot, and was able to drive my automatic car. The laundry was on the first floor. The dogs had been trained to an invisible fence — but I still hired a HS kid to walk them every day after school.
I also worked on a second floor office, with no elevator. I threw pride out the window, switched from a briefcase to a backpack, and went up stairs on my knees, and down on my backside. I was able to grocery shop, and make meals - though for the life of me, I can’t recall what we ate. It was tough. But I knew it was temporary. And I appreciated every single improved access that society had put into place, and realized that we need more.
And I wonder every day how we will manage in older age. We are already making changes, but I can see that the day will come when we can no longer stay in our home.
59
Given the alternative....I'll take getting older any day.
12
Im over 70 and just had to move my 94 year old mother into assisted living. Like many
older Americans she had made zero plans for aging in place or finding assisted communal housing with services - meals, laundry, nursing care, etc. Aside from being in advanced old age, mom is not incapacitated. She walks, reads, comprehends, jokes, and can dress and bathe. Great - but she also has, like the father in this article, a sense of entitlement that she should not have to endure the ‘indignities’ or limitations of old age or even address them. I felt for the author, much of whose life seems to have been spent enabling that. Nobody welcomes decrepitude or diminishment. If you live a long time, though, it is going to happen. Bummer, I know. But to expect your family to help you stay in denial is not so mature or wise.
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@Karen Green
First, I apologize if this post appears twice. (New to responding here)
I understand and sympathize with your family situation. My elderly father made very few arrangements for life should he become very ill /unable to handle his affairs. In his mind this simply was not going to happen. But, if something did happen, it was my duty to handle everything, regardless of how it effected my life, my marriage, my children, or my career. My duty. I echo your thoughts: To anyone reading this: Please, make at least SOME reasonable arrangements for yourself in illness or limitations. WHAT YOU DO (OR DON'T DO ) NOW will effect HOW YOU ARE REMEMBERED AFTER YOU LEAVE THIS EARTH.
54
Communication and preparation. The best way to make plans for ‘yourself’ is to include and determine if others ( esp your kids ) will be a part of the plan. And the younger others should also being instigating the planning for you too. Just because you are not the aging parent does not mean you are not the most capable adult in the room. Older folks, even with their faculties intact, don’t manage their affairs effectively ALONE in all cases. Step up, step in.
9
@Karen Green
I understand and had a similar experience. I was the responsible party for my dad who made extremely few arrangements for what would happen if he became extremely ill. In his mind, this simply was not going to happen. And if something should happen, it was my duty to take care of the situation, no matter the cost to my life, my children's lives, my marriage, or my career. It was my duty!!!
I will echo your thoughts to anyone reading this: Please, face reality and help those you love: Make at least some realistic plans for illness or limitations in the future. Your decisions now, will effect how your loved ones remember you after you leave this earth.
6
This article harkens back to my own experience with my father, many months before he passed away after breaking his hip that led to a short hospital stay for corrective surgery, and then taking up residence at a rehab facility at which he ultimately died of, yes, "old age" per what was written on his death certificates as his cause of death. The experience I relate concerns his attempt, at the urging of family members, to relocate from his only home of many years (and a few years after my mother passed away) to an assisted living facility. He stayed all of one month, to return to his home; he asserted there were "too many old people" there---mind you, he was approaching 90! Now, I am a couple decades from 90 myself, but I am finally seeing the viewpoint he expressed before he died. He was independent as I am learning I am as well, preferring, as I now find myself doing, like undertaking activities normally left to the younger crowd to handle, like home projects, like actively playing sports with those of my age group, to writing as I continue to do, and even continuing on in my career though not on a full time basis anymore. I also find myself getting bored when I am not engaged most of a full day, and life is too short not to continue with as much as you can, including learning. Turning into one's father is not such a bad thing when viewed from the angle I have expressed. After all, I don't want to be around "old" people, even though I am becoming one of them.
58
I had precisely the same episode with my 89 year old Dad last year. Hip surgery, re-hab facility ( he hated it ) , complications of old age, go home to finish his days rather than rot elsewhere.
7
@milesz Old is not a function of age. Stay young forever.
3
@Mitch Collins:
some people, in fact most people, don't get a choice about that. Become deaf, losing one's eyesight, weakness of the legs, loss of sense of balance, cognitive decline....they all happen irregardless of one's "choice".
2
As an occupational therapist and Aging-In-Place Specialist, I think that the author has described only some of the challenges of living in environments that aren't designed for aging or disability. Anyone over 50 should read this piece and think about how well their own home will serve them as they age.
Falling on smooth wet tile didn't fracture her hip, but this could easily happen to someone with osteoporosis. Imagine how much easier her days would be with non-slip flooring, an accessible laundry center, automatic door openers, and tools to lift things from the floor. Making changes to your home before you need them could allow you to remain there longer and with more ease.
What the author doesn't mention is that many older people are facing much more than a single orthopedic issue. Add in cognitive changes and pain, and you might have a better understanding of the true experience of aging. The author can problem-solve safe adaptations, and she isn't in agony as she climbs those stairs. Successfully remaining at home is much harder as the number of difficulties increase.
131
@Cathy Collyer, OTR, LMT,CAPS
My experience with my aging, infirm parents taught me that "aging-in-place" may sound better than it actually is. They both vigorously resisted accommodation and changes that may have made things easier for them. Handrails? "No, that'll make it look like old people live here". Help a few hours a day? "No. I don't want a stranger in my house". Rollator? "No. that thing just gets in the way". Delivered meals? "They're late sometimes". They did not age gracefully.
64
Resistance is UNacceptable. I had the same excuses put up. Then we conducted a full on "intervention” where all the children sat at the table with the 80 something parents and spelled it out. You want to stay in the house ? You need to modify it ahead of time. Otherwise, the infirmities will catch you off-guard, your choices will be more urgent and you will wind up in the nursing home long before you ever needed to. Once you go in, your friends will forget you because you left your home and neighborhood. Parents need to be managed with great respect but firmly.
25
Pain.
It changes your whole being,
To wake up each morning knowing you have to navigate your entire day around you chronic pain is simply depressing.
29