Jennifer Dulos: Inside the Turbulent Marriage of the Missing Connecticut Mother of 5

That famous Maya Angelou quote -- "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" -- is probably one of the most crucial lessons any of us can learn in life. No amount of sparring, bartering, cajoling, filings, lawyering, kindness, threats, intimidation and on and on will ever get a violent, controlling abuser "to behave rationally," or put the kids' interest first. These are toxic people -- Nothing we do can fix them. Lawyers and others associated with this process -- judges, shrinks, mediators -- all know this of course, but shamelessly run up the tab anyway, ignoring the collateral damage -- while stoking the abuser's rage, which almost always leads to more violence. I warned my kids when they were young -- When you see the first glimmer of such behavior in anyone -- "friend," boss, roommate, significant other -- just get away. Don't bargain, don't try and talk it out, don't explain. Say nothing. Just go. And if that toxic brute is your own parent, sock away your babysitting money early, seek out mentors, and leave the moment you can.

This was a trenchant and personal story for me. I, too, was married for 13 years to a man who exacted perfect hell upon me and our two children for two (seeming hundred) years of custody battle. What an awful term. He stole my personal computer, and he and his lawyer dug up all of my most intimate, personal writings, many dream diaries, and many deleted files. Based on this, I was deemed "mentally ill" and unfit as a parent. As a note, I was forced to read my own diaries in court. To all men. Mind you, on the request of him, I left my career to raise both of our children. Which I happily did, and that lasting bond stays gold. This was in Alabama, by the way. No need to go on about my personal experience, but I will promise you, were the the lies, threats, bullying, controlling, and gaslighting a physical scar, I would have no face. Custody situations are difficult enough in a divorce. However, when one's spouse is a Narcissist, there are no "children" involved. The goal, only, is winning. And squashing, in whatever fashion- mentally or physically- your newest enemy, the other parent of those children.

This article calls to mind the OJ Simpson murder case.

His behavior, his face, his body language, his eyes, every look on his face in every picture I've seen of him online screams violent controlling psychopathic narcissist. It's highly likely the girlfriend is aware he's a sociopathic psychopath and she's being controlled through the fear that she will be next if she dares to speak out. The psychopath hides it well until they've got you suckered and in a vulnerable position like marriage and children. Then they start small physical measures and use anger to control, in your face, shoving, grabbing your hands or arms, twisting, strangling your neck, the message is clear - don't make him mad or he'll hurt you. Behavior escalates over time as they get addicted to the power rush. They think they own you like property, and use anger to control. Women need to realize... you cannot play this game. Once they've lost control of the relationship, they become very dangerous. Get yourself and your kids to safe haven. Be prepared to defend yourself. Don't play the word game, the finance game, the power game, don't play. If you're going to get the mafia to break his legs, just do it, don't dangle it as a threat. You cannot win with a psychopath. You will be lucky to divorce and walk away, because he will eternally try to punish and control you. Strength and courage ladies. Protect yourself and your children. Sorry to say, you are in danger as long as the psychopath walks free.

Sometimes even when the divorce is final and all settled, the controlling, narcissistic spouse never gives up---constantly saying: "No one will ever love you like I do." "I've quit drinking, you can come back to me now and we can be a family again." 'I know you still love me; I can see it in your eyes." If that isn't enough, they use the children: "I still love your mother, but she doesn't love me any more." "When I build my big house, it will be bigger than your mother's and she will be allowed to live with us again." All of this is extremely concerning 4 years after the divorce was final. Unfortunately, I'm certain this is not an isolated case. The attempts at control never end.

At some point, or maybe it was always true, he stopped caring about his children and focused only on winning. This is textbook sociopathic behavior. The humans don't matter but the game does. Sociopaths can be incredibly charming and engaging while manipulating people in their orbit, which is likely how a smart, accomplished woman fell into his trap. Most sociopaths do not commit murder but some do. I think his divorce attorney informed him that the court was not going to rule in his favor at the next hearing, that Jennifer was going to be awarded full custody, and he was never going to allow her the satisfaction of having the judicial system (finally) rule on her side. So he killed her. The money had run out, the children didn't matter. I doubt he even cares that he's locked up. He got what he wanted in the end, for Jennifer not to have the children. It is so utterly tragic I'm not sure even Shakespeare could have written this narrative.

How many poor women or women of color have disappeared in the same time period, or just turned up dead, with no notice from the Times? How many NY area women who are childless and unmarried — and cannot be described lovingly by the Times as “a mom of five” — have vanished or worse, without a hint of concern from the media?

“You can file as many pleadings as you want, and nobody can stop you,” he added. Wonder what that guys cases look like! But therein lies the problem- lawyers who don't care about the damage they do- to the parties, to the kids, destroying any possibility of getting along, ever. I've seen them encourage this everyday until things are so escalated the only people "winning" are them. The court system isn't a place for justice , it's the game board, which lawyer can outdo the other bending the truth, making personal attacks and prolonging litigation. As for domestic violence, if the potential is there, hidden from sight before marriage, many women, and even men, see this side of a spouse eventually and want out. Even with proof, judges often don't protect anybody. People ought to make marriage contracts, spell out the specific expectations, then agree on what triggers a divorce (abuse, affairs, etc) if either of you want out, and if one of you breaches it- you might be able to avoid this nonsense and walk without giving all your money to lawyers. Anything is better than handing your life over to a guy in a black dress who could not care less.

Thank goodness I'm single!

Sad stories like this make me so thankful we never had children during our now over marriage.

There are not 2 sides in domestic violence. This was a mother trying to save her children from a mentally ill, dangerous person. She succeeded in saving her children and gave up her own life. Period. He obviously said things about her that weren't true to cover for himself.

It's not about the money, it's about ego and control. At the other end of the wealth spectrum, a horrendous murder case is underway in South Carolina in which the father/husband (and world's worst fake crier, with a different oversized handkerchief every day of the trial), Timothy Jones Jr., was found guilty Tues. of strangling his five children, ages one to eight, to death and discarding their bodies in trash bags. Jones claims he was insane, but It's clear from watching the trial that he murdered the children as revenge for his wife leaving him. In the sentencing hearing today, the prosecution played a jail house call between the Jones and his parents during which he blamed his ex for the murders, saying, "If she had been home, where she was supposed to... none of this would have happened." The entire trial is on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snN8zE44qnM&list=PLoW1SIeAWaWbRaFG2oRcgPMeDFlYMyL4G

A gold mine for the lawyers. Every filing...thousands of dollars.

The rich always seem to have such nasty divorces. Probably because they can afford them. And the lawyers just love it.

It seems we have not come far with domestic violence. I don't really know what the answer is. Sometimes a woman wants a virile, strong, successful partner, but this partner also may be selfish, narcissitic, and violent if confronted when life isn't going his way. The woman is reduced to begging to get out of the marriage only to have to face this violent side of her mate and not many places to turn. It is an issue of power and control. I feel so bad for these kids. I think love can be blind and spouses don't see the potential violent side of their partner. I see this over and over again. Maybe it is important to give lists of signs of escalating violence so spouses (male or female) can start to take steps to get out safely. It is usually too late or the spouse doesn't believe their spouse it capable of killing. I wish peace for the kids and family.

I didn't read anything about a Temporary Restraining Order being issued or sought by the wife to keep the husband away from her and kids before, when, or after the gun shows up in the story. I don't read anything about the recommendations of, or even involvement of, court appointed attorneys for the children, nor social services. There's a lot of this story left to tell and I think it premature to characterize the system as having failed. If the husband set his mind to revenge-murder it would taken a mind reader to know before hand. The wife's and children's attorneys apparently couldn't or wouldn't present a compelling argument to the judge that the husband presented an immediate danger. What could the court order? On what basis? I'm disappointed with this article. It seems sensationalist and printed because of who the parents are without going into the kinds of details which are basic to a family court proceeding. It seems tailor-made to play to the prejudices of rubber-neckers.

When I read stories like these, I can’t believe they thought they’d get away with it given they’re the obvious suspects. I also can’t believe the father could contemplate murdering the mother of his five children. Lives of such privilege now shattered. Finally, what people contemplating divorce don’t realize is that you have to be seriously compromised before the court takes your children away from you. In other words, those hundreds of motions accusing each other of denigrating each other in front of the kids were meaningless, because most cases are ultimately resolved in favor of the mother who gets the children and is compensated by the father. But people’s emotions get the better of them. Of course monied clients can be dictatorial, but I blame the lawyers who take advantage of overwrought clients. Instead of counseling them that the end game is essentially predetermined and that it requires compromise financially and on visitation, they feed the illusion that their clients, especially male ones, can get everything they want while racking up big bills for their clients. Sometimes the game results in violence.

Unfortunately, these kinds of nightmares have been played out to deaf ears by the less powered and privileged for years. Whenever it hits the upper crust of society, it's considered newsworthy.

Most people reading this article will think twice about the sanctity of a marital and familial bond.

Two months ago, a friend of mine was murdered. Her husband was controlling and she left him and he killed her. I have a photo of my beautiful friend. Unfortunately, her murderer is in the picture. Since I learned of her death, I feel like I see the same story constantly. I know it's not a new story; I'm just primed now. It's infuriating that someone (who loved you!) can just take it upon himself to end your existence. And as alleged in this case, the estranged husband's new partner assisted! It's incomprehensible.

Read the new book No Visible Bruises by Rachel Louise Snyder. It is brand new and an insight into this kind of situation--a situation of abuse that knows no socio-economic nor racial nor ethnic borders. it is also terrifying.

This piece displays a shocking lack of perspective and context on this couple's tortured relationship. This is not a he said/she said case of two rich Connecticut folks getting divorced and filing sensational, frivolous legal motions against one another, tit for tat. This is a textbook case of domestic violence, just as the Nicole Brown/OJ Simpson case was. OJ said that HE was the one who felt like an abused spouse; Fotis Dulos insists his wife threatened HIM with physical harm. Abusers paint themselves as the injured party. But it is horrifyingly obvious who was threatening whom. Jennifer Dulos's blood has been found in several dumpsters and Fotis Dulos has been charged with tampering with evidence of a crime after police viewed security footage of a man fitting his description dumping garbage bags in 30 trash bins and then found his altered license plates stuffed in a nearby storm grate. Jennifer Dulos managed to get her 5 vulnerable children away from this "irrational, unsafe, bullying, threatening and controlling" man, and clearly may have saved their lives. No doubt as this terrible, domestic violence tragedy becomes clearer in the coming weeks, we will, sadly, come to see Jennifer Dulos as the true victim--and the heroic mother--she was.

I have read that Mr. Dulos borrowed more than one million dollars from Mrs. Dulos’ father to shore up his luxury house flipping business. My guess is that it’s all about the money.

How needlessly those five children are suffering.

This is not he said / she said. Shame on you for framing it that way. Peace and love to the children.

The NYTimes needs to expose the systemic corruption rampant throughout the family court system in our country. I fired a high-end divorce attorney in my city for the very heartless tactics the lawyers in this case utilized to exacerbate issues and escalate conflict to increase litigation at the expense of the physical and emotional well-being of a mother and her children. The intentional negligence, creation of a 'war-of-the-roses' divorce and drumming up of custody issues are are all money making angles for the attorneys. In addition to firing my attorney for all the above (who colluded with the opposing counsel on all fronts for both to make money), I caught him embezzling from my escrow account, using the court system to force me to give him the funds. When my daughter ended up in an ICU unit with a life threatening issue from all they put our family through (my ex and I did NOT want a contentious divorce), I fired him to represent myself against the twisted corrupt 'family law' system. He was not not banking on me having all email correspondence and documenation (a paper trial) to nail him on his negligence and callous behavior. Received all my legal fees back and restitution in lieu of disbarment. As with the 'MeToo' movement, exposing the inner workings of the corrupt family law system, which includes judges, parent coordinators, psychologists and more, may prevent a tragedy like this from happening again and end the hell they put families through for money!

I witnessed at close hand an extremely similar situation, and although it 'happily ended' without the mother's death, years of pain and psychological damage were done to the kids. Yes, the man was the abuser, and while one might see the 'he said, she said' documents filed at court, what you won't see are the buttons the man pushed to drive the woman into seemingly irrational behavior which was then used against her. I've since heard of many other similar situations, and it's made me realize the myth of 'he said, she said'. In all of these cases, the man acted out of revenge, while the woman reacted out of fear, more often than not for good reason. And the courts kept them tied together, locked in battle with no end in sight.

Domestic relations lawyers so often are willing participants in their own client’s nefarious agenda to hurt their spouse or get even. These lawyers argue they are just zealously representing their clients. Lawyers have a stand alone ethical obligation to act as advisors to their clients and to challenge a course of action that will work against their client’s best interests. Contrary to the position of some, they can’t just file papers ad Infinitum with a court simply because their client directs them to in order to advance an agenda that defies the client’s interests or subverts the law. Shame on the lawyers if they did not try to intervene to stop the escalation of vitriol. It seems it has now gone far beyond just a court battle.

I note in all the other comments that Mr. Dulos has already been convicted. Let's remember that "most likely" and "highly probable" are not the standards. Also, it will be interesting to know what "hindering the investigation and tampering with evidence" really means. It can't mean that even the cops know they haven't any evidence, so they made up something so vague as to be hard to refute--can it?

how much worse was this nightmare made by the attorneys? I get the picture; a spouse complains to the attorney, the attorney files, the respondent reads the new filing and retaliates. The smallest incidents are magnified by the attorneys to attain the bar of substantive issues. And so it gets worse. A responsible legal system would defuse these issues rather than inflame them.

Considering that this mom of 5 is missing and presumed dead, I'm inclined to believe her that her husband was abusive and threatening. It is a shame that a woman has to die before we will believe her that her husband was threatening her. Luckily the kids are still alive. What a tragedy for all involved.

Tolstyoy is wrong. All unhappy families are the same, too. This is the same old story: immature parents ignoring children's needs. “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” ― Leo Tolstoy , Anna Karenina

Lock him up — forever. Her poor body is in those trash bags all over Connecticut.

We need to educate the legal system, (notice I don’t refer to it as justice system), in identifying and appropriately responding to abuse. If all involved, from police to lawyers to judges are educated in abuse, the legal system would be more just and more psychologically strengthening for those who are caught in it, including children touched by the party responsible for the abuse, instead of the legal system being manipulated as an extension of more abuse.

Such things are too-often interpreted as "he said/she said". Sadly, the history of violence against women by men who refuse to cede their abusive power and control that they wield through marriage and children means that more attention should be paid to allegations of abusive and controlling behavior.

I have never understood why when in the process of getting divorced, parents only think selfishly of their needs and not of their children, who are scarred with the divorce taking place to begin with. This kind of selfish behavior only serves to further traumatize the children. This is such a sad story, more because of the kids involved than because of the adults involved.

I'm not sure framing this as a "turbulent marriage" and drawing on the husband's allegations in his legal filings is helpful here. It suggests some kind of parity between the man in jail and the dead woman. This is a very familiar story of an abusive husband who, like all too many abusive husbands, likely killed his former partner and mother of his children (and if by some unlikely chance he isn't the killer, then the "turbulence" of the marriage is irrelevant).

I thought my (childless) divorce (he became successful after I had supported him for 7 years and wanted a trophy wife) was hellish. I will count my blessings.

Poor, poor children.