I was bullied at work last year and I am in my mid 50s. The culprits were men in their 30s who did their best to make me feel small and incompetent. Our boss responded by transferring me to another team. The new job gave me much more supportive coworkers and the chance to learn new skills like UX design and analytics. The whole experience came close to breaking me, but what got me through was very similar to you. I focused on what I could control and vowed to be a kind person. I also credit yoga and the music of Beyonce. Through the ordeal, I was sharing my thought and feelings with my kids - four boys in their teens and early 20s. They got to see the effects of office bullying and also how to respond on the receiving end. It was a great teachable moment.
154
@Kate So glad for you that your boss moved you to a more supportive environment. But why did the bullying team get to be rewarded for their behavior? Having you transferred was a victory for them -- they drove you out. Having power over oneself is an important start, but some of us do wind up with power over others (your boss) and it's just as important what we do with that power. Your boss did nothing to promote kindness or generosity, or to punish sexist, ageist behavior. In the end, we must hold others accountable, as well as ourselves.
31
@Kate -I’m sorry you were bullied, and I’m glad your boss transferred you and your sons learned a valuable lesson. But what about the 30-year-old men that bullied you? They learned that bullying works. This must change.
21
@Pat and @Tracey Riese In my case, karma really came through. Due to the great work my new team is doing, one of the guys asked to be transferred over too. He has been a completely different person in our supportive, equalitatian environment, which is 50-50 male and female. As for the other guy, he ended up getting a new boss - a woman in her 50s who took over managing the team.
38
I once did something very similar, with similar results.
When my kids were very young, one day I noticed that my daughter flinched when I reacted to something. I was shocked I'd done that.
I sat down at my computer and made a list. It was how to be a better father. I reviewed that list regularly, though I can't say every day.
My daughter became a real Daddy's girl. My sons are very close to me. The rewards of that effort are the most important in my life.
Ben Franklin's method works.
The underlying truth is that each of us knows perfectly well what we ought to be, in order to be the person we want to be.
Too often, we just don't do it. We could. It takes conscious effort. It isn't automatic, though it also isn't very hard to do what you want yourself to do, to be what you want to be. Just do it. Be aware.
101
I love this. There’s a great acronym, THINK. Before we speak (or write), ask ourselves: Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind. This litmus test is even good for New York Times commenters. I’m looking forward to a memoir from you.
72
Your story is amazing. I know just what you mean—no one can take away your “truest power.”
When I was in an abusive situation at work similar to yours, I realized that no one could take away my integrity. It was one of the clearest truths I had ever discovered. I clung to it, and I made it out of a very tight spot.
Peace and strength to you,
R
12
I certainly have no objection to the thesis of this opinion piece; nevertheless, it reads like a college application essay - a discovery of self-empowerment that is at once uplifting and banal. When did one's belated discovery of self-worth earn space in our foremost national newspaper? If the author has embraced her self-directed future, please produce something other than a narrative of that embrace. Yes, you begin to control your own mind, and then, as a writer...
2
Power is by definition the ability to influence the decision-making of others, not yourself. To say you have power over your own mind is to say your mind is something other than yourself. And yet, you're own personal consciousness only exists in your own mind. Not to drift off into solipsism but this line of thinking is recursive.
Who are you if you are not your mind? It's like looking at two mirrors placed opposite each other. Complete rabbit hole.
What Ms. Fowler is really describing when she talks about power over herself is not actually power. She possesses self-control. That's different. You're not influencing the decision-making of the "other." You tell a dog to stay and the dog stays, that's power. You tell yourself to stay, you're talking to yourself. It's your decision. You aren't compelled by anything else to stay or go.
In this context, "control" is a coping mechanism. Our self-control helps us deal with a power differential we are incapable of correcting. We all hit a ceiling eventually.
You get paid less than your peers and don't like your work anyway. Well, you can control how you feel about your own lack of agency. You don't have a way to right the imbalance but you'll live longer if you don't feel miserable about it. You might have exceeded or disappointed outside expectations. However, most people eventually find their own. That's self-control.
3
Gave up on trying to improve – or to even adjust – a while ago…
Nowadays, simply try to sense and categorize what’s worthwhile…
Secure in the knowledge that Google has sensed and categorized whatever leaked out – or missed getting in, in the first place…
…..
Gave up on trying to attain wisdom – or even perspective – a while ago…
Nowadays, simply try to sense and categorize what the crowd is thinking…
So I can go my way and stay out of theirs…
And so Google can sell enough ads to afford to be able to keep sensing and categorizing things for me…
1
Good for you.
"The final freedom is the freedom to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances." Victor Frankl
9
I dunno. Sounds exhausting. Being so purposeful has its costs. Everything has its costs.
Wow.
If you visit Asheville, I would love to talk with you. (My wife is a real good cook [and you would probably enjoy her wonderful personality]).
For the record, I haven’t ever offered this response to an Op-Ed piece.
P.S. we are the only folks in this area with our last name, so...easy to find.
3
wow. the first article about "power" in the NY Times that actually attempts to do justice to the topic. must be that science undergraduate training in physics.
anyway, the theme proposed here is quite old and well known: it's stoicism. under whatever subsequent guise, whether in marcus aurelius or in spinoza, the principles have been the same: live in harmony with the natural laws (or fate) that govern the universe, and hold oneself above the vicissitudes of fortune and the persuasions of pleasure and pain.
7
'I only think about power when I don’t have it'
echoes a comment from a poorer friend when I was younger who told me 'I only think about money when I don't have it' ...
but yes - having done zen meditation to satori, the still mind is a beautiful thing - seeing others vexed minds about small things - it's mind over matter - if I don't mind, it don't matter !
But I've been lucky - grew up comfortable middle class and inherited enough early - (orphaned at 15) - so never had to struggle for a buck and swallow bitter resentment and grinding humiliation at mistreatment by nasty bosses or choose between spending on food or medical care.
And as a guy I'm lucky - I never grew up needing to deal with the constant fear of sexual attack that I understand is pretty normal for women.
My observations from childcare is that young girls blessed with beauty tend to float about avoiding eye contact from too-many potential suitors for their attention, time and friendship - everybody wants to be their friend.
Yet young girls hit with the ugly stick may wander around uncertain and unhappy as nobody wants to talk to them, so they have to compensate in other ways - by being noisy, muscular, intelligent, creative, self-soothing. A bit like boys.
This sounds like stoicism, as found in Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. Wonderful column and these days when anger and anxiety surround us, it is a good reminder that kindness and compassion should be cultivated, not scorned.
Overcoming difficulties and moving forward while becoming a better person is something we all learn from.
5
Beautiful intro photograph. Nice!
2
"Enlightenment is seeing the same world, but seeing it in a different light. It is not about seeing different things so much as seeing things differently."
- From Science to God - Peter Russell
4
Understand you.Good,good,good. But the "lingo"? The article initially turned me of. Why? Have contemporary women still need for 20th Century "man talk". Like........Power,Control,Working hard, UNDER my control, Fighting hard,Working hard to become that person.......
Did not see the word Love....
Personal freedom and autonomy is available to anyone regardless of financial, social, or educational status. Our anger and frustration often stems from having fixed expectations in a world where nothing is fixed, and all is in a state of constant change. The author describes a daily thought process that reenforces her self worth. Daily meditation also has a freeing effect by helping the mind focus on the moment; relieving us from the burden of expectations carried from the past and those we otherwise would carry into the future.
Bless you for this. You just shared one of the best-kept secrets to a successful life. Your message reminds me of the book Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. The ones commenting negatively here need to hear your message the most.
3
Everyone should read Ms. Fowler's linked blog post. She shows the day-to-day real-world impacts of managers and organizations behaving badly.
Most large orgs are dysfunctional. It's hard to tell whether yours is especially bad. You should only doubt your first impressions, though.
If evidence keeps mounting, it's better to look around for validation than to question your own sanity.
That's not the natural reaction, and Ms. Fowler has done well to instruct us from it.
2
Power is the ability to get things done for people. If you want power, think about how to get things done.
1
Now if only we could have power over our own bodies, what a difference that would make.
5
Just an awesome piece and so, so many great reader comments:
-I had no idea Nelson Mandela was inspired by the out-of-fashion Vocorian poem, Invictus;
-Like another poster I thought of Victor Frankl;
- Moved by the older poster, formerly a high powered lawyer, now banged up by illness, ageism, doctors' indifference but inspired by his faith and daily thoughtful devotions.
-Even the commentor saying the poor cannot accomplish similar helped by inspiring commenters' counter examples, to say nothing of being an implcit call to charity to help the poorest.
But most off all I recall my late father, his tough life, his inner directedness, contentedness and his basic unwavering honesty.
Time to pick myself back up, buckle down, and aim again to his sterling example.
Thanks to the author for her searing account and inspiration and her example to.
"We have left undone those things which we ought to
have done,
and we have done those things which we ought not to
have done."
3
I like how the author took concrete action, in this case, writing on a regular basis about whether she met her goals of character self-improvement. So important, that step of measurement and accountability. Leave it to Ben Franklin to provide a process!
Not only do we change ourselves by how we behave we can change others, we can change our world - we have to realize we are channels for compassion, love, non-violence, and caring how we treat others creates a ripple effect. Mahatma Gandhi, Nelsen Mandella, Martin Luther King, Jr., are all great examples. Love can change the world. Hate and disrespect will destroy it.
2
I have come across many stories of people who were "not expected" to do well gaining their Ph.Ds and other totems of high achievement. Unfortunately, people from these "lesser" backgrounds are not often trusted with high leadership positions and we lose the benefit that would come from people who have dealt with serious adversity and overcome it.
Ms. Fowler shows the upward steps she took in life that gave her a bedrock certainty, despite ugly challenges at times, in her capacities and value. If you don't have that certainty, if you can't sustain it through disruption and putdowns, you will be lost in this world, totally.
In my own life, I, too, have a background of overcoming serious obstacles, but, thankfully, one or two teachers helped along the way, too. Here is something to remember: brains, raw IQ, are important, but, first of all, one does need to solve all the problems that might come before one. What is needed is to solve a few essential problems and to stick with efforts long enough for success to arrive. Also, this: nothing beats talent. No Ivy League school can teach you talent, talent is not taught though, with care and nurture, it can be advanced.
Ms. Fowler's story could be seen as confirmation of Shakespeare's dictum, "Sweet are the uses of adversity." By testing ourselves against opposition, we can develop an inner core of faith in ourselves that is very difficult, nearly impossible, for anyone else to shake or take away. A great reminder to solider on!
2
Well I grew up with plenty of everything, went to the exclusive private schools and then Princeton, Harvard and MIT, and with all those advantages, still have some of those same thoughts. There are many books on this subject going straight back to the ancient Greek Stoic philosophers. Though I never went to work for a company when I did not have a direct personal relationship with the owner. Where there are levels of management, there are pigeonholes. In a short time I went into business for myself.
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune polished, rather than destroyed, the writer. She found an exit, the golden ring, the Yellow Brick Road. Rare, I think, and inspirational, foolishly so, though.
Most of us, I would argue, don't succeed in that struggle for happiness and peace of mind. We become co-opted or crushed.
In my years in the rat race, I first joined the mean crowd, only to find that I didn't have what it takes to "succeed," to be a respected or well-liked person. So I was crushed, rebuffed, discounted, and cast aside as yet another loser. The shoe fit, truth be known.
Bouncing from one bad life situation to another, I kept a low profile when it was to my benefit, but came out as John the Conqueror, the cool, funny guy when there was an opportunity for such. It was all beyond my control: Either people hated me or they didn't. I had to respond appropriately. Anxiety, frustration, and anger ruled me.
I finally made it, though: retirement. Now no more contests of mettle and survival; I'm pretty free and almost totally alone, where it's safe, sane, and peaceful.
In retrospect, if I had been Robinson Crusoe, I would have stayed on that island. I've learned that man is wolf to man, and that part of that wolf is in me. It's an ugly, frightening, depressing scene -- hell without the fire and brimstone, although the grandkids do provide an oasis in that desert out there.
My psychology text of long ago called it the Battle of Life. I ran up the white flag.
23
Since the concept of "power" seems to become more and more diluted in each subsequent article in this series about power, let's just cut to the chase. Real power is the ability to admit that you are weak and be totally okay with that.
4
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom” Viktor Frankl (holocaust survivor, author Man’s Search for Meaning)
7
You are in fine company! Notorius B.I.G. said the same thing as you in the biopic about him made after he died! "Before you change the world you have to change yourself!"
1
Well said; especially in this age and place where our education seems mere instruction and memorization...instead of being taught how to think for ourselves; and how to be assertive (self-assured), instead of aggressive or arrogant; and a bit more humble...for the little we know. This is particularly important in these Trumpian times, where trust in our democratic institutions is in the toilet, and when the digital world is feeding us with disinformation (fake news), and when a vulgar bully in-chief's constant lies become the dogma truth to too many. One thing is to not be able to change the world to your liking; another, your response, for which you ought to be in charge, and like yourself.
1
"I am good, I am nice, and by golly...I like myself"
/stuart smalley
What about those who have zero freedom? Like minorities or the powerless and poor? They got no mirror to reflect and got no time to do it. When you are hungry or poor, you don't think about self-improvement. I could argue that at least 50% of Americans are 1 paycheck away from being in the streets. They ain't looking at personal improvement.
16
@Mogwai she does lead the piece with a discussion of her experiences with poverty, and how that influenced her thinking.
That thinking seems to have taken her a very, very long way.
23
@Mogwai
Actually, the quote is,"I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darned, people like me."
Mirrors are everywhere.The best ones aren't made of silvered glass, but the people who reflect the 'good, bad, and the ugly' back to ourselves. Not liking what we see is an invitation to personal improvement.
15
@Mogwai
Who are these people with “zero freedom”? As I read the piece, I noted that she grew up poor, home schooled, unable to even attend a public high school. It seems she fits into the category you are asking about.
One can find thousands of people who are in similar positions, who had significant impact because they focused on what they could do, rather than what their impediments were. Just look at Nelson Mandela. He spent 27 years imprisoned, much of it on Robbin Island, forced to do hard labor. Getting his law degree while in prison. Read the poem, “Invictus” which gave him the courage to face another day of demeaning attacks by the guards and hard work in a lime quarry.
This is what the writer of this piece is talking about, taking on whatever comes to beat you down with the power you have of control over your thoughts and actions. With that power, you have the power to change your world.
31
Congratulations, young woman. Your story should inspire many others beset by horrific obstacles in life. I am in awe of your willpower and self-knowledge.
Though not well off, being in a Navy family, I wasn’t poor either. I got a good education in parochial and public schools, right through Harvard Law. As a tall, prematurely gray white male, I had power early on in my law firm. I was chided for promoting women and minorities, and won a fight to have Dr. King’s birthday made a firm holiday a year, maybe two before it became a national one.
That all ended when a rare, debilitating ailment struck me down at the peak of my career. I was 52. I have spent the years since as a non-person, increasingly feeling worthless. I reached a nadir nearly two years ago, when told in almost so many words I was too old to merit operations to fix some bone issues. Luckily, two things happened: I found caring doctors to whom I had worth enough to merit surgery, seven of them now. And after fifty years of atheism, much against my will, really, I felt a sincere, clear, irresistible call to Greek Orthodoxy.
That relates to your story in a very particular way. What sustains me is that in my morning and evening devotions, I examine my thoughts and actions that day and look for ways to improve, with God’s help. It is working. My family and friends have been startled by my change in personality, my joy in life, my increasing refusal to judge other people. With effort, we can all find a way.
88
Thank you for this. As I grumble and seethe at my job I am reminded that I don't have to be miserable. It's my choice (and power) to practice mindfulness, generosity and kindness while I make new plans. Thank you.
51
@Diva As a few other commenters have noted, the author's approach is admirable, but ought to be put in context. For example, it is healthy to realize that being underpaid does not actually, in an ultimate sense, devalue me, it is surely just as healthy to recognize that if my pay depends on a system that intends to disempower me and devalue me and others, fighting for economic justice still matters.
7
Beautiful piece with an essential truth at its core -- that it's actually easier to be a role model in this world than to find one.
64
I found this article so useful that I have saved a copy for my 5 year old daughter. I know she cannot make much sense of it today but I would like her to be able to read this when she can.
39
Not being paid fairly or being treated badly - change jobs.
1
@Charlierf
If you leave you can get a reputation for jumping around and if you're looking for better pay they'll say you're not willing to go thru the tough times the company is experiencing. Like when the boss needs a new yacht.
Wonderful story, inspiring journey.
An understanding of power that allows for all to partake : )
Thanks!
As Buddha taught, "Everything is created by mind alone."
3
This makes me cry. It reminds me so much of myself and the journey, the process I have gone through in my 60+ years, from a dysfunctional family, through a career in which I was the only woman in the room, into an abusive relationship leaving me as a single mother, and all the time thinking that I could change others. I could be the example who would suddenly bring them to some point of enlightenment.
As I discovered, and how this article so beautifully lays out, I lacked an inward focus.
I'm working on it.
3
For children who grow up with abuse, power often becomes an issue even if they can't recognize it as such. I agree with the author, the way to and through power and its issues, is in self evaluation, betterment and acceptance. The reward is empowerment and freedom,and the security that comes with being at peace with yourself. That's personal power, and it does saves lives.
3
Self-empowerment starts with you. An excellent lesson, beautifully expressed.
4
In psychology, an individual's self-esteem and conduct are at least partially explained by a concept and model termed "dialectics." Per this theory, our conduct is determined by our inherited genome and our surrounding environment. Simply put, the "dialectics" model is:
[Our conduct and self-esteem = f(our genome, our surrounding environment)].
With little personal control over our inherited genome, the controllable variables become: what is the best environment we can opt for to try to achieve greater self-esteem? And, self-actualization is a useful and critical pathway to gain, or regain, this self-esteem. But, if this pathway is blocked by bullies and hectorers in the work environment, then a change is needed. If:
[(One's conduct and self-esteem) = f(bullies, hectorers, and other unpleasant obtrusions into the work space)]. Then, these commandos can seize control of an individual's self-esteem, with negative conduct and performance results. To seek positive reinforcements of self in such an environment becomes self-defeating.
With a change to a new position and more positive work environment, this model can become:
[(One's conduct and self-esteem) = f(more empathetic cohorts, more meritorious evaluation and incentive systems)]. Such a positive environment can motivate and magnify work performance.
[5/30/2019 Th 11:43 am Greenville NC]
"Let those who would move the world, first move themselves." -Socrates
7
These are good lessons and worthy goals. The world would be a better place if everyone worked on themselves in the manner this author suggests.
But...(sorry, there is a but, hopefully read with gentleness)...
There is a competing problem inherent in the act of spreading good news about successful self-improvement: an excessive focus on oneself. This author by my rough count uses the words “I” “my” “me” and “myself” 117 times to make a point about the value of quiet self-reflection.
It is very difficult to make a such a point convincingly when you also just happen to be celebrating yourself in the most prestigious and widely read newspaper in the world, where everyone in your social circle will read it, and where it likely will go on your resume.
I do not intend this comment to be mean-spirited, or to question the author’s sincerity. And I understand the value in spreading the important life lessons offered here (and the necessary use of the first person at times). But there are a lot of lifestyle-type columns in this paper where the author essentially celebrates his or her humility (usually with a quick aside dropping their Ivy League education), and there is a contradiction in the process that leaves me just a little sad.
4
"Even when I had nothing else, I could still be kind, just, generous, honest, loving and compassionate." Generous? Thais one thing that most of us have great difficulty fathoming.
But true generosity of wisdom perhaps only arrives when one does Not have the apparent powers. This is wisdom that is I find it hard to comprehend that a teenage mind could cook up. And I say this as a man in seventies.
I think easily half of our health, literacy, and many financial problems -- yes, there is a constant din of 'when you buy more you save more.' I am not kidding in a large chain of shopping malls valued in billions of dollars, so I assume people do fall for this odd modern Siren song.
ONE Wonderful piece!
Well said! You touched upon the fact that often the only thing we can truly control is ourselves. Realizing this would be a true breakthrough for many. Karen Horney, psychoanalyst, spoke about the gap between the false and true self. The false self is comprised of "shoulds" that get communicated to us from society, parents, our super-ego, and the like. The wider the gap between the false and true self the more neurotic or pathological we are. You appear to understand this fully by your closing statement:
"Every standard that I hold myself to is a standard of my own making, one that is fully under my control. My self-worth doesn’t depend on anyone else. Even if the world were to fall apart today, my sense of who I am and my place in this world wouldn’t be destroyed."
Another important distinction that I have not seen this series make, but perhaps I missed it, is the distinction between power and mastery. Power has more of a negative connotation (oppression, political, etc), and mastery connotes self-control. Freud said that our main goal in life is to work and love well. Work involves having mastery over our environments (career, hobbies, etc), and love would be to maintain meaningful relationships. As a wife, mother, friend, and writer you appear to have met Freud's benchmark for a good life. Enjoy it!
3
This is lovely. Thank you. It resonates with me. The practice is similar to a fourth step (a moral inventory) and a tenth step (continuing to take a moral inventory, often daily) in a 12 Step program.
1
This is an inspiring story and it runs counter to the commonly accepted idea that only those with great privilege can achieve in life. Everyone, especially teenagers still developing, needs to get and understand this message. The school system teaches the opposite: if you are really good at something RIGHT NOW and you can learn very fast, you are going places, Dude. Otherwise, look for a minimum wage job.
I have come across many stories of people who were "not expected" to do well gaining their Ph.Ds and other totems of high achievement. Unfortunately, people from these "lesser" backgrounds are not often trusted with high leadership positions and we lose the benefit that would come from people who have dealt with serious adversity and overcome it.
Ms. Fowler shows the upward steps she took in life that gave her a bedrock certainty, despite ugly challenges at times, in her capacities and value. If you don't have that certainty, if you can't sustain it through disruption and putdowns, you will be lost in this world, totally. In my own life, I, too, have a background of overcoming serious obstacles, but, thankfully, one or two teachers helped along the way, too.
Ms. Fowler's story could be seen as confirmation of Shakespeare's dictum, "Sweet are the uses of adversity." By testing ourselves against opposition, we can develop an inner core of faith in ourselves that is very difficult, nearly impossible, for anyone else to shake or take away. A great reminder to solider on!
2
A deceptively simple piece, but one worthy of deep reflection and emulation. Thank you.
5
Thanks for this. There’s a clarity and elegance here that hopefully will help lead more people to make more often the kinds of efforts you describe.
The only thing I have to add is that sometimes when I make efforts more or less of the sort you describe the results seem out of proportion to the quality of my understanding and the intensity of my efforts. It’s not that the effort is necessarily easy or that the payoff is the relatively quick solving of my problems. As you indicate, these changes within happen with repeated efforts over a number of years. Still, I’ve wondered whether results that sometimes seem to exceed what my efforts would seem to deserve is the closest thing to the religious concept of grace that I’ve experienced.
1
Oh Susan, thank you for this Article!
I was Mobbed at work, and taking a break seemed like the worst thing I could do, my whole value of myself was tied up in what I di, and I stayed,even though I was relentlessly bullied by peers and middle management.
I halve been searching for meaningful Tools and you’ve given me some... I will always be grateful to you.
7
“I learned then that even when I felt powerless to control my job or education — or anything else that seemed out of my hands — I always had control over my own mind and how I treated others. Even when I had nothing else, I could still be kind, just, generous, honest, loving and compassionate.”
I certainly agree that everyone should strive to follow the Golden Rule. But how will it help disadvantaged people earn a decent living wage and/or access affordable housing and healthcare?
3
Interesting reflection. Thank you.
In this era of gaslighting and hate mongering, when our country is in the hands of deceptive, self-serving officials, I pencil in time each day to remember these words to live by:
From my mother’s favorite poem, “The Desiderata: “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here.”
From Gerald G. Jampolsky’s book, “Love Is Letting Go of Fear: “I am constantly choosing the contents of my mind, since no one else can make this choice for me. I choose to let go of everything but my loving thoughts.”
8
A few words I use to meet the challenge.
The cosmos is conscious. Lift up a stone, I will find it there. Gaze into the night sky, I will find it there. Split an atom; I will find it there. See a butterfly, I will find it there. Watch a spider, I will find it there. Look at the person next to me, I will find it there. Look at myself, I will find it there.
There is implicate order in this cosmic consciousness. Within this implicate order is intelligence. Within that intelligence is endless and timeless creativity.
The sole purpose of my life from birth to death is to become part of that endless and timeless creativity.
How? I must rid myself of all cultural constrains. I must look beyond my cultural perception.
Then and only then will I be able to realize who I am and who I can become; not here one moment and gone the next, but a part of endless and timeless cosmic creativity.
Then and only then can my thoughts, my actions, my very being become the creative force they were meant to be.
Then and only then will I find my path, one where my life’s possibilities are without limit.
Then and only then will I be able to connect with an intelligence both within and beyond my consciousness.
Then and only then will I begin to understand that I am singularly endowed with the ultimate privilege to be more than just another biological form of life on this planet.
Then and only then will I find the meaning of my existence.
www.InquiryAbraham.com
3
@David Anderson
"We are consciousness, not life and form." Sri Aurobindo
2
@The Wizard
. . . making humans the only animals capable of transcending the laws of nature.
1
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
16
Kudos Ms. Fowler for your educational development. Physics is not an easy major—even basic concepts are beyond the reach of most.
Home schooling is not a bad option, provided you have educated tutors and mentors. There is too much down time in the educational system today. And a college education can be exorbitantly expensive. High school and college can be compressed into half the time it typically takes.
Your narrative of personal development concludes with the insight, “My self-worth doesn’t depend on anyone else.”
If only it were that easy. Self-worth is the result of a continuous process of negotiation between what you think of yourself and what others think of you. Developmental psychologists like Piaget and psychoanalytic linguists like Lacan suggest that the ego itself is precipitated out of a continuous process of reality testing and misconstructions.
It is easier to effect social and political change—achieve power—as a member of a group rather than as an individual.
One stylistic tic I noticed in this piece—a preponderance of your sentences begins with “I.” Perhaps this is your celebration of self rhetorically, but it tends to detract from your narrative.
Congratulations on your achievements.
8
@Andrew
"Self-worth is the result of a continuous process of negotiation between what you think of yourself and what others think of you."
No, it is not. In fact, if you must depend on the opinions of others entirely, you will be entirely lost in a sea of negativity. Your statement could be seen as true in the social context: we are part of a society and we draw enumerable clues from social interaction. That's not the whole story. Ms. Fowler (I include myself) shows the upward steps she took in life that gave her a bedrock certainty, despite ugly challenges at times, in her capacities and value. If you don't have that certainty, if you can't sustain it through disruption and putdowns, you will be lost in this life, totally.
Her story could be seen as confirmation of Shakespeare's dictum, "Sweet are the uses of adversity." By testing ourselves against opposition, we can develop an inner core of faith in ourselves that is very difficult, perhaps impossible, for anyone else to shake or take away.
3
Before a person can change the world he or she has to change him or herself?
This is rather obvious. To change the world a person needs to increase capacity of mind, spirit, character, and will, has to become powerful and with vision, but the big problem is there is no road map, and probably no road map process permitted by society, for the outer limits of capacity to personally develop not to mention change the world.
So few people in any age achieve profound understanding, have the vision to embrace a number of fields and possibly make revolutionary human change, and fewer people still have vision and compel change, cause other people to organize around the vision. It's incredibly difficult just to understand something, anything, not to mention have some sort of positive effect on it. And in the modern world it's difficult to tell if things are difficult to understand because things are becoming truly profound, fields/disciplines are highly developed, or if understanding is simply snarled by millions upon millions throwing their confused attempts at understanding upon each other, and it could be both of these processes are occurring at once.
I can recall the most profound change in my life though: When I took LSD at end of adolescence. The potential of mind if not my mind became known to me. I could see the royal road of increase of vision ahead and dedicated myself to reading, learning, deeply and widely. Increase of vision, then possibly change for the world.
1
@Daniel12
Greetings Daniel,
The biggest barrier to human transformation seems to be not believing that it is possible. While psychotropic drugs are not the answer, they can aid in discovering that change is possible, as you note. An early spiritual guide, Stephen Gaskin, said "Take LSD until all the chafe's blown away and only the germ remains." That was timely advise when I was twenty, but it was the world's holy books, self discipline and meditation that unlocked the knowledge that humanity is one. Cheers!
2
Your self-training is fundamentally Buddhist in outlook: taking responsibility for one's mind and heart, being less reactive and more proactive, being self-driving instead of driven. The net result is that your state of mind is less and less affected by the myriad abuses of power - big and small, perceived or real - that colour a substantial part of our interactions with others.
7
Very good article, if only we could get more people to practice this. We would be in a more beautiful world. I especially like that this does not reference Buddhism which has been teaching these concepts for 2,000 years.
3
This is excellent writing. A reflection of clear thought and - difficult and hard won - wisdom. I didn't invent the following, but I'll post it here because it applies: 'Integrity is a mountain with no top'.
10
You do now have power for others - you have the power to inspire millions of us in a good way. This was moving. It made me see that I gave and continue to give power away to bullies at a former workplace that I left years ago. I continue to give my personal power to people who didn't believe in me. Years ago. I continue to torture myself by watching them all like each other on Facebook, when I in reality I stopped caring about them as people. Years ago.
On one level, I don't care about them, nor should I. On another level -- the level that is about how I see myself -- I still give them control and I still care what they think about me. I know this. It's time to stop it.
Reading this, I sound like a teenager. I am middle-aged and had a successful career, was even able to do ground-breaking work in my field for awhile. I was confident and proud before ... well, it is true that what we say to others, what we do to others, can have a long-lasting ripple effect. The question is, can we stop and think before we talk and act? Can we stop and think about our selfish intentions before we wield our power over others in a negative way?
I remember your whistleblowing blog post. All I did was post an anonymous Glassdoor review. That wasn't cathartic enough. I was afraid of burning bridges. But I'm on a new path without needing former bridges. Perhaps it's time to write.
5
I taught elementary school for twenty-eight years K thru 3rd. During those years I realized that what young children need to learn in "health" class wasn't being taught. Yes it's important to identify parts of the body, how to wash hands correctly, and cough away from others. But what really needs taught is how to do exactly what Ms. Fowler had to learn thru personal struggle. Why not give young children the benefit of adult knowledge when it comes to one's mind? Take the mystery out of it. The world might be better off. Maybe we wouldn't have to watch others stumble into booze, divorce, and mental illness. Show young people the power they have. Great article.
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@Mike
I'd be interested to know if you attempted to fill the gap you saw. You are absolutely correct that there is an abundance of helpful information instructing how to make the best of the gift of a human life that we could equip children with from their earliest schooling, yet much if not most of this knowledge isn't offered through early education. Nothing wrong with STEM, but this 'work force' education doesn't address the need for deeper knowledge of how to be human, which starts with an ability to self-reflect and the development of the ability to attend.
11
@ArleneH
Thanks for responding. Filling the gap was usually through one on one conversations with kids depending on the need I saw. I was able to integrate some "quiet time" (meditation) and yoga practice which got positive responses from a few parents but I was soon reminded that it wasn't part of the curriculum. I've been out for eight years and have since then learned of some public and private schools that are seeing results of real "health" class. I agree nothing wrong with STEM but rigidity isn't always a good idea.
5
Excellent commentary. Working on oneself is the best way to grow, change and adapt to diverse situations. It also affirms other people without being angry and negative all the time. Well done.
12
"Even when I had nothing else, I could still be kind, just, generous, honest, loving and compassionate." In the relentless mayhem of today's world this is not an easy aspiration to achieve. It must be cultivated and mindfully practiced on a daily basis. Thank you for reminding me of my power to do so For me, it is through prayer, meditation and reliance on a Higher Power greater than myself to help me along in the process.
13
"Each time I held myself accountable for being compassionate, or slow to anger, or more generous, I managed to take a small part of myself out of the hands of others and put it back under my control."
The oft-times we are guilty of these supposed self-offenses requires a judgement that is not entirely our own. We must. in the course of our lives, have received advice, from a councilor or through ever-changing experience, on the proper response to those situations. To attribute it to a sudden, final self-revelation without attributing it to sources seems to me a most incomplete account of how self-improvement occurs.
2
Inspiring article for my daughters! Note that Franklin, like many of our Founding Fathers, was a Deist, not a Christian. As someone else commented about what the writer has learned, Deism correlates somewhat to Buddhist teachings.
Now contrast our current crop of Fundamentalist-supported political leaders with Franklin, who went as far as to actually journal his own humility. One can see how the Western/Christian “prosperity” doctrine has so sullied our political process, and the ethos of the nation itself, which is now reduced to the amassing of wealth and power - shallow, meaningless pursuits that help no one.
In fact Deism was such an open and accepting philosophy that it couldn’t even survive into modern times. Unfortunately. Imagine we had a leader as thoughtful, humble, and self-effacing as Benjamin Franklin today.
14
@Aerys Franklin became a Deist as a young man, but later in life he turned back to a more favorable view of organized religion. In a letter he wrote near the end of his life to the President of Yale University, he said "As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see." (Source: Wikipedia and references therein)
It is the corruption of Christian principles, not the principles themselves, that have sullied our political process and the national ethos.
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@jlunine
There's nothing in Franklin's comment that indicates a "more favorable view of organized religion."
Arguably, the "corruption of Christian principles" is largely the work of organized religion.
I don't know much about Deism, but I suspect that Deists didn't find much to object to in Jesus of Nazareth's "System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us." If that's incorrect, I'd appreciate being set straight.
4
@Aerys
As essentially were Jefferson and Madison, thank goodness. Especially salient is not their specified tolerance in freedom of religion, but in the express desire for a soaring freedom from religion
Their foundational new nation documents that are unequaled anywhere are an individual introspective Buddhist wish list, not a group think Protestant and Catholic genuflection.
1
Wonderful. As the Dalai Lama says, "My religion is kindness. Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible."
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@Gramps
Yes, kindness is as close to an absolute virtue as there can be -- unlike conditional virtues such as loyalty and courage -- and heaven forbid, patriotism -- which can be invoked in evil causes.
1
Nice, frank, honest opinion. Nothing sells like honesty. I reread the linked piece regarding the author's experience of being sexually harassed at Uber -- surreal, and exactly how gaslighting management works at dysfunctional companies -- HR and management people presenting an unending stream of evasive, off-topic, obtuse, dissembling, responsibility shirking behaviors in response to clear EEOC violations.
I once worked at a giant fortune 100 company where a former employee had been hired by Cisco, the giant networking company as an on-site engineer. She came back to the company for a few days to do some work for us and my boss, upon seeing her enter the work area, says "It's the St. Pauli Girl!" Really? A German bar maid?
I complained to HR. Everything just goes into a black hole. That's there's no extant subset of equivalently derogatory appellations for men tells one something about the world we are still living in.
Ms. Fowler is right though, you can only control your own emotions and behaviors, and even that takes a lot of practice and work. Terrific that she now writes about technology for the Times. Maybe we'll get some real technology news about "Save the Internet."
9
a helpful piece as i consistently struggle to be proud of who i am. thank you.
6
One's highest consciousness observes everything we each experience, closer than our life's vein, as the animating spark of our existence. By self-discipline, in stillness, over time, we begin to identify ourself with this presence, first in ourselves, then in all others as innate to humanity. Life's tests don't stop with such personal evolution, on the contrary, we now carry the evolution of all others and that which collectively surrounds and sustains us, as a hologram contains each and all. Still evolving, we must now go together, in light and love that attracts and holds the atoms together. These are the collective tests our survival and advancing civilization require.
7
Just yesterday, mapping out curriculum for my 11th Grade American Lit. class next school year -- this article couldn't be more appropriate. Essential questions for our inquiry are: What is freedom? What role does the individual play? How has the struggle for freedom changed? What do our stories reveal?
Thank you New York Times. You continue to bring relevance to my classroom. Thank you Susan Fowler for sharing your story.
10
One of many reasons that the blunt force of the trump era to manipulate, control and dominate others is so alarming is that I never saw it coming. I still am in disbelief that such ignorant authoritarianism appeals to so many. How can people abandon the ethic of self control and developing virtues and endorse the corrupt power of tyranny and lies?
Thanks for this column.
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@CinnamonGirl
"How can people abandon the ethic of self control and developing virtues and endorse the corrupt power of tyranny and lies?"
Racism, abortion and tax cuts. Not a big mystery.
2
@CinnamonGirl I think that appeal of the current president is precisely that his approach *doesn't* demand self-control or reflection. His message is that our unhappiness is because of immigrants, cranky minorities, and liberals, and that if it weren't for them, everything would be great. Thus the instigation of violence and open talk at rallies of people being carried out in stretchers. For some people (not the majority), this holds appeal.
4
This is a brilliant piece of writing and self reflection. It speaks so eloquently to where I'm at. As I struggle to come to peace with what is, in a time of life I had hoped would be dedicated to my version of sannyasa, but which is instead, smacked full of responsibilities and challenges I cannot avoid, I'm learning how to make that journey in the little bits available to me.
That the little bits are found in more places than those spent quietly and alone, is something I'm just beginning to fathom. Hitherto, I had found it in retreat and in the zen time of my work wherein my hands would take up the task, my brain would disengage flying in blissful freedom, source of my inspiration, source of my self.
Now my time, not my own, belongs to my extended family at both ends of the life cycle while nearing the end one myself. I realize I have been a fair weather friend to my bliss and now I have to learn to find it in buffeting winds I've never liked.
Magical Memi is falling to earth. I never expected this. Here I am, gobsmacked so late in life. Tally ho!
10
@EA. Isn’t it a bit harsh to call Ms. Fowler “truant” when it was her mother who decided to home school her, apparently didn’t do her job as teacher, and then largely left her child to deal with her lack of education when she had to go back to work? No child gets a say in who their parents are. We all would do well to remember the significant obstacles many kids face as a result of bad parents, well-meaning, but inept, parents, or mentally ill parents. Too many in our society expect such kids to “raise themselves by their bootstraps” even though they haven’t been given any “bootstraps” to start with.
I applaud and admire Ms. Fowler for having the grit that many of us, in similar circumstances, might lack to succeed. I look forward to reading her memoir.
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This practice is the absolute opposite of the ethos of Facebook, and my own sense of personal standards is what has prevented me from ever being on that platform. We all live in contexts of course, but we in ourselves are worlds.
7
I loved this article. I wrote a book, Sorry I Was No Fun at the Circus, a memoir, about facing cancer without health insurance while living in a turbulent relationship I didn't understand and couldn't control. We can and do learn from great tribulation, and learning what we do and don't control is, I believe, one of the most important lessons we can learn in life. This article inspires me to examine myself even more thoroughly and leaves me with a happy heart, something I rarely feel after reading the news these past couple of years. Thanks.
19
What a great story!
This is what meditation is. This is what Siddhartha Gautama realized as a way to eliminate all suffering - to change one's own perspective through dispassionate observation. It doesn't interfere with one's religious beliefs or lack thereof. It is the answer to survival in a polarized society. The world will be a wonderful place if all of us practiced this!
14
This is beautiful in its simple telling of one of the most important truths in life. Every individual truly is the "master of their soul."
12
You discovered these ideas on your own, but they are the foundational concepts of Buddhism and have been developed and practiced since around the 6th century BCE.
Knowing the mind, the power of the mind, is a core aspect of Buddhist (non-religious) practice. During medication, one focuses attention on one's thoughts, feelings, emotions and other sensory experiences, and this awareness is the path to compassion, equanimity, mastery of emotions, peace of mind and right action.
12
@Falls Church
What she describes is also close to Stoic doctrine. But maybe she did know of both-- she said she was a philosophy major for awhile after all!
6
um... meditation
This may be the finest op-ed I've read in the NYT this year. It is as simple as it is as deeply inspiring.
38
Through the years, one of my basic tenets of coexisting among others has always been that I cannot control how others act, only how I respond to it. I tried to teach this to my daughter as well, since it has helped me to navigate and survive positive vs negative relationships and work/life situations. However, the wonderful Ms Fowler had taken this basic concept and grown it into a beautiful garden of thought, reflection and belief that is truly inspirational. Self reflection taken to a deeper level has had profound effects on her life that go beyond merely surviving - and has given me new motivation to reexamine how I relate to others. Thank you! What a wonderful start to my day.
24
Totally brilliant and humbling article with the message that we are not the victims of our character, but have the ability to mold ourselves into something better than we think we are.
In this political time when every example points to blaming others and not taking responsibility, it is heartening to remember that with humility and honestly we can obtain power, not over others, but over ourselves. And perhaps this is what is truly meant by the biblical message that the meek (not powerless) will inherit the earth.
14
Terrific habits to develop early in adulthood, if only we all could embrace mindful and introspective practices rather than always looking to others for validation. Julia Cameron made journaling popular for thousands in my generation of boomers, and it makes a huge difference to spend 15-20 minutes a day to do that self-care. Erik Erickson, widely considered the first psychoanalyst to focus on adults, preached reciprocity and regeneration as we approach our elder years, supposedly to make amends for the mistakes of our youth and, especially, middle age. Perhaps if we take up Ms. Fowler’s mindful habits about being kind and thoughtful ourselves - in essence, holding ourselves accountable - we could model that behavior in others, not always, of course, but at least we practice our own self-care habits. They involve being purposeful about goals and how our thoughts and feelings about ourselves - let alone others - sometimes get in the way.
7
What an uplifting and inspiring story!
12
I don't know you but I am proud of you as a fellow human. You have grit and persistence, and I particularly admire that you reject victimhood - where circumstances suggest you have been given a lot of challenges. What your piece shows so well is that everyone of us has personal power that ebbs and flows with the exertion of power by the "other" all around us. To establish the 13 virtues as your personal "rules of the road" is described as a gift to yourself - but also it is a gift to all those around you. What is hardest is about the times we live in is no is quite sure what is true and real. We all have trust issues that emanate from this reality. Class, race and gender struggles are masking this overarching problem. Virtue practiced individually (and healthfully, with boundaries as another commenter noted), creates a substrate in which each of us have the best chance of thriving -as individuals and collectively. I disagree with only one point: to have virtue is in fact to ultimately have power over others - you cannot help but influence them to be better people. I hope your good and generous heart keeps beating strong and stays positive. You will be constantly confronted with fellow humans who disappoint and will not be held to account, and try to make others the bad actor. Consider me someone working to build momentum (overcome inertia?) toward something better.
Looking forward to your book.
21
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
7
I smiled when Susan revealed that her "first" attempt at a college major" was philosophy. I was thinking that one of her Arizona State professors probably introduced her to Socrates and his often quoted statement, "The unexamined life is not worth living." Or, maybe, she figured it out all by herself.
What a great article. . .it reminded me why I love The Stone.
Just great. . .thanks. . .
Phil Shadle-Solebury, Pa.
PS Fewer and fewer colleges are "requiring" multiple required philosophy courses for ALL students. . .what a shame.
7
Wonderful piece; thank you, Ms. Fowler.
8
You weren't homeschooled if you weren't educated. You were truant.
I was homeschooled and accepted into a top college for undergrad and an Ivy for grad school. I took advanced science courses based solely off of my homeschooled experience (skipped the prereqs) and got good grades. I used the same textbooks as high schools around the country do and I studied more subjects than the average high school requires, including electives that most high schools don't offer. I really wish people would stop calling themselves "homeschooled" if the "schooled" part wasn't part of it.
5
@EA Why do you wish this? How does it hurt you to have someone label their experience in style with which you disagree?
2
This is the 10th step in 12 step programs. Some people are able to read an article like this, decide to do it, and succeed. Some of us (more?) will struggle to do that.
In 12 step programs the core idea is that you are powerless over addiction, which is usually obvious once you get to the point where you are willing to go to a meeting. The emotional problems that lead people to drink (or use) also lead to the difficulties with everyday behavior. We are also powerless to fix our character defects by smart strategies and willpower, or so it seems.
The idea of powerlessness is surprisingly helpful in getting free from the fear and/or shame-cycle that is often the roadblock to confronting bad behavior.
You don't have to be an alcoholic or addict to get the benefit of a 12 step program. Al Anon is for those who are currently struggling with the behavior of an alcoholic or addict (or grew up with one). Adult Children of Alcoholics works more directly on the emotional damage that comes from growing up in an alcoholic home.
I offer this in case it would be helpful to anyone. My father stopped drinking and became a miraculously different (better) person through AA. Just stopping drinking didn't solve all of his problems, though. He worked hard on his character defects using the 12 steps.
For some people, "just do this" clever self-help strategy works fine. But I think it's helpful that that doesn't work for everybody. And there is a solution.
15
What a refreshing change from the finger-pointing and fighting over power which are the order of the day! And how good to hear a woman saying that there is another way to charge of one's life. Thank you for your inspirational piece.
15
I have used Benjamin Franklin's self-improvement system in my history class, usually as an example of Puritan values written into the first American self-help book. Students were encouraged to keep track for a week, and while most at first thought this a fun but frivolous exercise, at the end most admitted to surprising personal insights. Self-reflection is a powerful tool. Glad to see Ben F. mentioned.
33
Ms Fowler, possibly without realizing it, practiced mindfulness. The practice of mindfulness is more than just being aware and focused on the present moment.
It is a practice that brings one to a deep sense of self reflection. When we discover that there is only this moment, we also discover that everything we are, were or want to be is also in this moment.
Some aspects of ourselves from the past coalesce into the present moment. Others are the pregnant possibilities yet to be created. This is true of everything, feelings, ideas, plans, thoughts.
When one adds to this practice of mindfulness the qualities that Ms. Fowler focused on in her reflection, one has essentially begun the practice of the Four Noble Truths and the Eight fold path of Buddhism.
The experience that Ms. Fowler shared was characterized as taking control of herself by training her mind. This is essentially what mindfulness meditation does.
It trains the mind to focus on that which each of us ultimately has complete control over. Yet we typically follow patterns and habits from the myriad aspects of being socialized in the modern world and live in the illusion that "this is me."
One of the reasons that Buddhist practice has integrated so seamlessly into the western world is that it relies mostly on ones own practice rather than a text or series of beliefs.
Thank you Ms Fowler for sharing your practice. It has served you well.
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@Drspock I too, saw my meditative practice in Ms. Fowler's piece. I have had a very similar path navigating great improvement in my work, family and other relationships through contemplative practice (and as can be seen by other comments there are many avenues to pursue this.)
For those considering trying this, keep in mind, as Drspock writes it is training. While you might get an initial "bump" it takes many months - or even years of consistent practice to achieve meaningful results. But if you keep at it, the payoff can be (as it has been for me) deeply rewarding.
2
@don salmon
Just as you constantly check your phone, your mind constantly is stressed by checking your brain’s anxiety center; this builds mental, hormonal and physical stress levels. Meditation of any sort diverts you from anxiety checking and lowers your stress levels.
As to the transcendental enhancements - maybe more pleasing than real.
1
@Drspock
Excellent comment. At some point you might be interested perusing some of the other contemplative traditions. You might start with the text, "Into the Silent Land," by Martin Laird, an overview of the practice of contemplation within the Christian tradition (no less a scholar than Tibetan Buddhist teacher Alan Wallace called Laird's book "the best Christian introduction to the Tibetan practice of Dzogchen he had ever read").
In Laird's account, you not only don't need 'belief" - belief is actually the greatest hindrance to the practice of contemplation.
After that you might take a glance at Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee's book on prayer in the Sufi and Christian traditions.
Beyond all religion, when you're ready for a truly in-depth presentation, look at Sri Aurobindo's "The Life Divine." You'll realize that compared to the true practice of contemplation (which you admirably introduce us to in your comment), our present-day science is burdened with one of the most destructive philosophies in the history of civilization.
Whether under the name of positivism, naturalism, materialism or physicalism, the global priesthood of science is under the spell of nihilism, the default philosophy of most of our educational institutions (and media as well - the Times being an excellent example, as much as Nick Kristof is trying to escape it).
And yet, with "just the most gentle shift," it is possible to be free: https://beyondthematrixnow.wordpress.com/2019/04/04/remember-to-be/
8
This is an outstanding article. It’s all too easy for our hopes and dreams to slowly morph into a version concocted by others. All too often this new set of goals is ultimately directed by people in positions of authority who are motivated not by integrity, but by greed and avarice. Kudos to Ms. Fowler for all she has done to speak out – it’s not a stretch to say that she lit the fire that has become Me Too.
28
Women (and men) can be "kind, just, generous, honest, loving and compassionate" and still set firm boundaries against misogynist abuse. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact being "kind, just, generous, honest, loving and compassionate" without boundaries is codependency. Healthy boundaries is how one is "kind, just, generous, honest, loving and compassionate" to oneself. A mature person balances other-love and self-love. In my experience women have trouble setting boundaries because women who do set boundaries are routinely gaslighted as "angry," "aggressive" and 'non-feminine." I think a better message to give women, in particular, is to teach them that one can set boundaries and still be kind while doing it.
55
@Amy Luna Actually, the Greatest Law, one which encompasses all virtues and which recognizes boundaries yet balances other-love and self-love is completely summed up by the words of Jesus at Mark 12:31:
"‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’"
@Elizabeth Moore Respectfully, I disagree. "Love your neighbor as yourself" does not guarantee the active expression of self-love. It uses the definition of self-love to define other-love and actively directs the reader to practice other-love. It says "treat other people as you would want to be treated." But it's not clear from this scripture that one should actively love oneself, as well.
2
Brava, Ms. Fowler!
Personal change does not come easily, except in retrospect. But, as you show, it surely is worth the effort.
In the words of Richard M. Buckley, "There is a great power - within - that when used in beauty and immaculate purity can cure and heal and cause miracles. When you use it, it spreads like a magic garden and when you do not use it, it recedes from you."
May your words inspire others to do the same.
19
This was a truly inspirational piece. There are just no other words.
37
Thank you, Ms Fowler, for this beautiful essay. Its message is so important in a world where power and wealth appear to trump goodness, kindness, and decency.
I had similar experiences to Ms Fowler, and like her, I too learned that the only way towards coming into our true selves is to relinquish the power others hold over us. Sometimes that involves a fight for what we believe in, sometimes it involves letting go. My journey took me years and years as well.
I recently decided to leave a teaching job I have held successfully, and with accolades for over 26 years because I finally determined that the only way to be my true self, and to be the best person I could be, was to leave the work environment I was in. My very health was threatened if I chose to stay. That decision was mine, and may be different from another in a similar situation. Yet, is emphasizes that regaining power over ourselves involves a clear decision making process.
I think many people endure similar struggles but never openly articulate them; instead, suffering in silence. The only thing we truly own is our integrity. I hope that this essay inspires conversations that help people turn inward and realize their value. Maybe this is a small step toward a kinder, more generous society.
47
This column is among the finest I have read in the Times. For the millions of young people who want to change the world and universities and colleges who challenge their students with the slogan "Why not change the world", here is the answer. Thank you for sharing your insight and thanks to the Times for publishing it.
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