He’s Not Ready to Move In. I’m Not Ready to Break Up.

What is wrong with claiming a seat before you have a drink? sheesh.

- Louise, you could suggest the following compromise to your partner as a way for both of you to test the waters of living together. Begin by spending only half of the week living together. This is the arrangement my partner and I have. One of several positive results of this solution is that, in the half of the week you are on your own, you could do things you wouldn't normally do with your partner and that you find necessary or fulfilling (e.g., see certain friends, pursue a cherished hobby, go to the gym in the evening, even catch up with work). - Sue, when my dad died a few months ago my family greed that we will not use Facebook to make an announcement of his death. We thought it would be draining to be on Facebook at a time when we would rather focus on family. Moreover, our Facebook networks include anything from relatives (whom we would rather call... yes, your cousin!) to distant colleagues and acquaintances who did not know my dad and did not have to know he had died--at least the same day of his death. Yet, one of my closest friends, to whom I had sent a personal email with the news, decided to memorialize my dad on Facebook. The news then travelled fast on Facebook. Moving as her memorial was, it angered me. I found myself having to respond to countless Facebook and text messages when all I wanted was to be present in the moment for my family and myself. All this to say, we need to have a conversation about the appropriateness of announcing a death on Facebook.

I guess I’m old fashioned, but does anyone wait until marriage to co-habitat anymore? I never wanted to live with someone outside of marriage. Blame it on my church upbringing. Back in college I lost a boyfriend due to my refusal to move in with him and that was fine. We’re still friends to this day. If co-habitation is this important to the young lady, then she should move on. From what I’ve seen, plenty of people are willing to “shack up.” She’ll meet someone new.

Re death notice: the letter writer's cousin did in fact "call" someone - writing on facebook, where presumably other relatives and family friends connect, counts as notification and lets the cousin avoid the need to talk to people when he might not be ready.

Louise, Living together is a significant increase in commitment which in theory may lead to marriage and starting a family (yes-babies). It may be that your boyfriend does not want to start a family or even to increase his commitment to you. You need to talk with him and figure out what it is that you want from the relationship and clearly define where you are going. Just playing house may not be to his liking.

What's wrong with saving a seat while you order coffee? If I know I want to sit in the coffeehouse to enjoy my coffee and I see a seat, I reserve it with my jacket. Much better than having a hot cup of nice coffee and nowhere to enjoy it. Plus, I often need both hands to carry my coffee and muffin and need to put my book bag down somewhere first. If there is more than one person in a party, someone saves the table while the other(s) order. If we didn't do this, we'd have no place to sit and then why would we be there? to stand around while our coffee gets cold and we cannot converse?Nothing sleazy about it. What is sleazy is buying one cup of coffee thinking you have rented a seat in a busy coffee shop for hours and hours.

Have the first couple discussed the possibility of having children at some point in the future? If so, where does the boyfriend think the children will live?

If he won't move in, it's because he doesn't want to live with you. The reasons why could be your issues, his, or both. But why are you clinging to him?

Regarding the father who didn't want the husband staying with him: my gut reaction is that the father wants to date and have women stay overnight and doesn't want his privacy invaded.

Louise, It took me 7 years to move in with my boyfriend. (We are now at year 10.) We weren't -- mostly I wasn't -- ready. I felt that he needed to evolve some, and I needed to evolve some, and our relationship needed to evolve some. I moved in three years ago and we have never been happier. But I don't know that we would have been so happy moving in after only two years. Two years in is not a heck of a lot of time to decide to blend households. (Granted, I'm obviously a slow mover.) Give it more time (if you wish to) because eventually, he might just become ready. If he truly means never to live with anyone evereverever, then get clear about that sooner rather than later, and make a decision as to whether you can be in relationship with that person. Good luck!

I so love this column!

Those coffee shop seat squatters are the worst!

Why is Louise so hell-bent on living together? Does she not understand that cohabitation soon leads to the end of love and romance, that having to deal with someone on a daily and nightly basis reveals all their neuroses and bad habits, that familiarity breeds contempt? Does she not understand that introverts and highly creative people frequently need their own space? Does she not understand that moving a man into her space means more free domestic labor for her to do? In making her happiness dependent on what someone else elects to do is also not a great life strategy. Who wants to live with someone who is going to pout and descend into sadness when she does not get what she wants? She is one of the most fortunate people on the planet, yet it is whine, whine, whine. Look, her boyfriend has made his position clear. She can wallow in sadness. She can break up with him and find someone who will give her what she wants. Or she can work on a creative solution, like them each moving into one-half of a duplex, or having different apartments in the same building, or houses on the same block? And come on, she does not NEED him to move in with her. She needs air, water, food, shelter. She has needs confused with wants and desires.

Leaving your coat or briefcase on a chair is a good way to have it nicked. Consider taking the items to the counter and saying "someone forgot this when they left", and leaving them there. Everyone will understand, and some will take the message to heart.

Re Louise, one can only agree that there is serious incompatibility here, given Louise's sadness. The trouble, though, as I teach in my premarital seminars, is that all relationships have (seven, if you believe the research) areas of significant, unresolvable difference. You won't find a match without these surfacing in the long run. Couples who succeed (stay together happily) are those who seek constructive ways to manage their differences. It's not that Louise is in denial here; she acknowledges her feelings and wishes. Seeking compromise (per Louise) or another creative solution (as suggested by Galanes) is the healthy way to approach serious difference in an otherwise satisfying relationship

I have to say, I had just gotten a call about my grandfather's death when I saw it announced by a cousin on Facebook and I did not appreciate almost finding out that way. To immediately post it seems like a deeply impersonal way to announce to a loved one's family. I agree to chastise someone after (especially someone's child) is inappropriate but I wish people would be more thoughtful.

With regard to the woman who expected her father to put up her husband when he worked in his city, I see both sides, but overall, hosting someone for "several nights a week" for six months is a lot to ask. If her father is used to living alone, that could feel like a huge intrusion and imposition. If he's elderly, it might strike him as too much work. Perhaps the writer could see if her dad would allow her husband to stay one night per week during that time. That would save the couple some money and perhaps be more palatable to her father.

My mother called and told me that she "thought" my grandmother (her mother) had died. She didn't like her mother (I loved her), but I think she was overwhelmed by the actual death. Since she and my grandfather were an hour and a half away, I called the hospital to check and then drove down. Death is huge. We all deal with it in different ways. My mother was sick to go through the silver and jewelry. I helped my grandfather make arrangements for the wake and funeral.

For Louise: I agree with most of Mr. Galanes' insights: you are not entirely happy, and you may be turning your anger inwards. The "but" is a big one, and while it may be painful in the short term, you will likely be better off in the long run to end things now, go through the healing process, and find someone with whom you share similar views on something as fundamental as this. Certainly there are people who are quite content living separately, but that only works when people are of equal minds. I have seen too many relationships drag out because people think it's "perfect but ....." and linger on some hope that the "but" will get resolved. Then when they do split up, they kick themselves for wasting their time wishing for what could never be. This doesn't mean that either of you is in the wrong, just that you aren't a good match for a lifelong companionship. I'm sorry but sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see things more clearly (that's why you wrote, right?). Best of luck.

I had the same dilemma but I was the one who wanted to live alone. My love moved in nextdoor and we get the best of both worlds. It helps that we are both introverts and need our down time.