Thank you for sharing. It advantageous to grow old.
It's very special for Doris to have lived to such an incredibly advanced age, and simultaneously in (apparently) good health until the age of 103. Further, it's also very special and quite wonderful that she had such loving family members take care of her during her last two years. I would love to have met Doris, and I greatly admire the Eisenbergs.
1
What a beautifully written piece. It is so hard to write in first person without getting in the way of one's subject. This author managed to both move out of the way, for Doris to shine, as well as tell us about the depths of his being.
6
We would all wish to provide this for an elderly parent or friend. The ravages of dementia can make this wish difficult if not impossible to achieve.
3
Barry - I remember her! The very professional Aunt. I always say the greatest gift one can give is to help someone die. You and Amy did that in spades. But as often happens, you get so much more than you give!
1
What a beautiful story! How fortunate she was to have you and you to have her! Seniors are a wealth of life experiences and are wonderful teachers; sometimes we just need to get past their brusque delivery.
3
The artcle states that “The will to go on can weaken when one feels stripped of empowerment in decisions made about one’s own life.
I dare say that this aspiration applies to all of us, no matter our age.
This as we all struggle to live in a society that claims to be democratic & just
- a society where we strive for empowerment as it relates to decisions being made about our own lives.
3
A relative of mine is a caregiver three days a week for a 93 year old woman. She helps with hygiene, but mostly they talk. The woman’s daughter wanted my relative to clean the basement. My relative spoke to the 93 yo and she straightened her daughter out. “Our talks are something I look forward to all week.”
All of my cohort say the worst thing about The Home is sitting and staring at a TV or into space. We all agree we would rather die.
1
A wonderful article, of course, but one which surely should have included at least some reference to the amazing groundbreaking research dating back to the 1970s of Dr. Ellen Langer, along with her books 'Mindfulness' and 'Counterclockwise', which summarize her findings on the deep connection between the mind's expectations and the body's health, including the aging process.
1
We invited my 94 yo mother in law into our home several months ago; one of the most rewarding experiences of my life; this story simply resonates my experience; so thankful I have had this opportunity!
5
When your elderly loved one is verbally aggressive, or fights with you and others, she or he is fighting for more control. While the quickest response may be punitive or frustration, just the opposite is needed. Sit calmly and lovingly, see how your loved one is needing to be listened to and responded to based on what she is saying, crying for, or engaging in aggressive behavior. Once you realize what you can do differently, try it — try it again and again. Let her know that you are listening more carefully.
Elderly people are fighting for the joy of living that they know is in there somewhere. Even if what they ask for is not appealing to you, do it anyway and let them have their way.
In my background as a behavior consultant to families with children who have “special needs” — the path to a peaceful home starts with recognizing that every person has a sense of their own importance. Their eyes will light up when being recognized for what they need and want. At any age, given the space and support, you are creating the environment that gives rise to their personal growth.
11
This is a repost of an earlier comment:
I think the secret of having a good old age is to possess -- along with decent health and sufficient money to get by -- the feeling that you have tried hard to do good things with your life and accomplished some of them and are now trying hard to finish the job the best way you can.
I started out in life wanting to be a doctor, a pediatrician because I liked little kids; it would have made my very good mother and father very proud; but although quite good at school, I lacked the stamina necessary for years of rigorous studying of medicine. English, history, psychology came easy to me. Biochemistry and physics, not so much. So eventually I turned to running homeless shelters and senior centers, and discovered that they gave me a great sense of usefulness, were always challenging and never boring.
Now as I begin to approach the end of my candle, I am still wondering -- like David Copperfield -- whether I shall ever turn out to be the hero of my own life; or whether that station is still reserved for somebody else, or perhaps no one.
Discussing this the other night with one of my sons, he spontaneously told me not to worry, as far as he was concerned, I was my own hero and certainly his. True or not, this made me begin to tear up, so I quickly turned out the light, called the dog in the picture here into my bedroom, turned out the light and said to myself, Mom and Pop would have been extremely pleased to hear that.
21
... so I quickly turned out the light, called the dog in the picture here into my bedroom and said to myself, Mom and Pop would have been extremely pleased to hear that.
7
Thank you for sharing this universal story of age and dignity. Is there anything more powerful than the gift of one's time and love?
23
Beautiful story and It reminds me of the Humans of New York pieces. You and your family are wonderful people to care for Doris and recognize her humanity and contributions to the world and her family. A touching tribute to a group often forgotten: single women.
34
Such an important document with a priceless message, needed by all, of every age. Thank you.
14
Simply beautiful — no other words needed. As a 34-year-old stuck in a bit of an existential crisis, this helped reawaken what the journey is all about. Thank you for sharing.
28
Thank you for a beautiful story of gratitude, love and compassion. It’s what this country and the world so needs right now.
37
Amen. I love this. My dad died this winter. As the end approached he said he wasn’t afraid of dying but he wanted to live. I didn’t understand what he meant? Surgery? Chemo? No DNR?
But, in walking with him in his final weeks, I learned that he was not talking about living til tomorrow, but instead living every day, with a grateful and loving heart.
Like the author I was blessed to be there.
47
Thank You!
14
finally a piece worth reading in the NYTs
6
@akeevan I agree
This is a beautiful tribute to Doris, how she persevered in the face of adversity, and what you and Amy learned in caring for her. I applaud and respect you and your commitment to give Doris the best quality of life you could give her. A moving story as the comments attest.
I spent 34 years in health care as a chaplain in psychiatric, geriatric, and acute care general hospital settings including palliative care. I was always moved, especially in the geriatric setting, by how much more I received than I gave. I was always moved by the love and affection shown (not always though) by family members for loved ones and their many challenges in fulfilling their care giving responsibilities.
Often times, hospital executives would be hospitalized, and they would return to work and report at leadership meetings how they were transformed in their understanding and appreciation for what patients and families go through. It would also often happen when their elderly parents were needing additional care, or were hospitalized, or were approaching end of life and dying.
With all due respect, I wonder in what ways and to what extent Mr. Eisenberg's experience with Doris has informed and transformed his current teaching and consulting?
Perhaps, the biggest gap in our modern health care business and by its leadership is its essential oversight of our human condition so eloquently described by Mr. Eisenberg.
38
Oh, this brought tears to my eyes and made me miss my parents so much. What a beautifully written piece. Thank you very much for sharing.
24
Thank you. I felt the same
7
Thank you for writing this story. One of my strong beliefs is that the greatest thing we can give anyone is our TIME. In giving your time to your loved one there were many blessings and much learned & appreciated by you all during that TIME.
Again, thanks for writing and sharing.
25
@Tash
Your time is your life.
That is our riches, and what we have to give.
1
This story should be required reading for anyone who loves or works with someone elderly. The doctors office workers, the paramedic and many others were so condescending talking in front of my mother (then 86 with Alzheimer’s) as if she were let there. But she was. The author found just the right way to speak to his aunt and I wish I’d read it for guidance when my mother was alive. So many people think for your memory is faulty or your cognition that you are no longer really you - but you are a different you. So moving. Thank you.
41
What an absolutely lovely article. And what a dear woman. I am fortunate to still have two healthy active parents in their late 80's...I pray they continue in this vein, and when one passes will undoubtedly take in my remaining parent as I am an only child and since they have been kind parents. My partner approves thankfully. Mazel Tov to you and your family.
28
The magic here is meeting a person on her level, wherever that may be. I'm so grateful to Dr. Eisenberg for sharing his and his aunt's story and bringing back a great memory of my own.
My brother-in-law's mother had dementia, but was still the gracious, attractive woman she had always been. We once ate dinner with her at her assisted living facility. Then she and I had a lovely conversation about her around-the-world trip that included a visit to Israel. She told me how well she had been treated and how much she loved being there. All this because she knew I was Jewish. After we left, my brother-in-law said, "You know, she never took that trip."
It doesn't matter. She had a wonderful time telling me about it and I had a wonderful time listening.
41
And it's even possible to help a very old person who isn't a relative or whom one doesn't know especially well. I have been visiting regularly a 95-year-old with dementia. She has only known me for a few years; her nephew is my partner. But I've found that whereas she does not like to talk about her health or about politics, she loves to talk about, among other things, clothes, jewelry, and hair, not in a materialist way, but in terms how people look, what's flattering, what were her favorite dresses and shoes; about romances, who dated whom, who married whom; and about music, especially when I play Frank Sinatra's songs. She can listen to him forever, and whatever else she has forgotten, or seems to have forgotten, she remembers every word of every Sinatra song. Most very old people, even those with dementia, have some conversation in them; you have to find what like to talk about and go for it.
45
What a lovely story. I, who like Aunt Doris, am single and have no children. I hope that, when my time comes, I am lucky enough to be loved and cared for in the same way as Aunt Doris.
50
My mother died 3 months ago right before her 105 birthday. She was happy and cheerful even as she lay dying. She had been in assisted living since age 96 and loved it. I believe that the friendships she had with both residents and staff kept her alive and happy. She loved having her own room where she could close the door, and that she could also walk out and socialize. I learned so much from her example during her last 10 years: let go of non-essentials and nurture your heart with happiness and kindness.
58
@Barbara,, One of the things I learned hanging around my mother's CCRC was that a strong need as a person ages past 70 or so is the ability to make new friends. Hmm, I am 70 now.
Thanks for the great insight!
Thanks for giving this story heart!
16
I, too, work with the oldest of old as a geriatric physical therapist providing home care I am visiting a client this morning who has high anxiety related to no one listening to her, husband recently passing, depressed, lonely, confused I plan on sharing this story with her, to remind her that life still has connections for her to make that there is love in the world to help her heal, that she, too is not forgotten
37
@drmichaelpt You might also investigate the possibility that some of the people around her truly are not listening to her, if so, what you & she can do to make that change.
People often don't listen to the elderly, particularly not women. The last time I went out to eat w/my mother (who's almost 99, she was 97 at that time), the waiter kept asking me what my mother's order was, etc. I kept repeating, ask her, it's her order, etc. My mother & I were clearly conversing, yet the waiter chose to ignore her. My mother reported that this had become the norm.
18
beautiful, loving, caring, story from beautiful, loving, caring people.
42
@Gloria Utopia
very well said...thank you
4
Dear NYTimes, I love this story.
But also, I am one of many who know just how demanding full-time end-of-life care can be. So, maybe, in this case, there was the luxury of full-time aides. If so, I am happy for everyone involved.
I love reading about the profound moments of the experience. I have my own! But, many days were full of wondering when and how the passing would occur. That was a lesson in patience as I sacrificed my life to help with the passing of another. Not without moments that brought tears because I recognized how close we were to death and yet maybe the next day all seemed fine.
Death is a process and it is an honor to accompany another on the journey. But sacrifice is required.
Dear NYTimes, write about that.
63
@Nancy Yes, NYT, please do. I've been forced to care for two non-compliant dying relatives in the last decade, and it took so much out of me that I don’t feel emotionally stable any longer. I’m never going to put my daughter through that — going out back to shoot myself in the woods would be kinder to her. I may end up doing that.
18
@Frolicsome I can appreciate the sentiment, but I assure you that a parent's suicide is far worse than dealing with caregiving.
2
@Ella
Don’t start dumping guilt on those of us who are seriously considering going into the woods.
Yesterday I read that 18% of senior deaths are suicide.
The child of an elderly person who is facing Alzheimer disease or terminal cancer can understand a parent’s suicide.
3
Brought me to tears. What a gift for everyone.
17
@Sharon brings me to tears as well. Thanks to the author and NYTimes for sharing this beautiful and poignant story- xtinewu
9
What blessed people you are... you gave this woman dignity and reason to wake up another day, then another after that...what power there is in the gift acknowledgment.
27
Thank you for this story. I, a woman in my 30s, had the gift of living with a couple in their 80s for a few years. Their presence, stories, and advice are the richest gifts I have received in my life. We repeatedly marveled at the mutual joy of our living arrangement and how we added to each other's lives and broadened our worldviews, wondering why so many of our White, middle/upper-middle class friends couldn't imagine themselves risking a similar arrangement. I for one am much better for this time with my adopted family.
38
What a lovely story!
11
Thank you for sharing your story. And bless you and your wife for your generous, compassionate and loving care of your aunt. You have given an invaluable lesson in generosity and caring to your children.
18
What a lovely story. We all strive to have patience and kindness with our elders. It’s a blessing to actually achieve it.
12
no matter how much money, how many friends, how much support i have, i do not want to live to be 107. nor 100, nor 95 for that matter.
18
@pamela
i understand and agree with you completely.
i'll be happy with 85 or 90 at most. i'm 76 now.
9
@lydia davies I'm 86, and I assure you if you remain in decent health and have enough resources to live a comfortable life, your time horizon will change! I'm hoping for 100, but who knows.
16
@pamela I’m 57 and expect to make it another decade at best. Between pain and depression, it will be a relief to go. I don’t want to end up like my parents, mid-eighties, crazed with dementia and wearing diapers.
3
Wow, best thing I have read all year.....
Now I know why I subscribe to the New York Times....
21
This story inspired me to try harder to get along with my 85 year old parents.
We’re just different and they often do not understand me, but they helped me by brining me to America and helped me start my first business and while I was in school as well.
Love does not need logic it’s just is!
39
I guess I'm going to be the skunk at the picnic here. This is a very inspiring story of an individual who lived a relatively privileged life: Retired finance executive with investments, a Manhattan apartment, opera at the Met, and later a live-in aide. She also won the genetic lottery. I know, she earned it with hard work. But with his insights in healthcare, I would be interested to read an article by Dr. Eisenberg giving advice to the large population of less affluent retirees who shudder at every headline describing the looming decline of Social Security and Medicare and who find out they can no longer afford their medications. They're not listening to the birds sing.
74
@Craig Willison
Not a skunk at all, just another important lens to look through. Your very real concerns don't negate the beauty and inspiration of Doris' end-of-life story. In fact, her story lets us now what is possible, connects us to important values, and can help guide public policies.
38
@Nancy
Yes, like she may very likely have been living in a rent-controlled apt. My mother's cousin lived in a rent controlled apt. in Woodside for years, got Meals On Wheels, could afford or the state paid for a part-time aide to assist her. She died at 99 or 100. Her hearing & vision were poor. A friend has two aunts who have passed 100. She visits them when she can (they live fairly far away). They're alive, but not happy. It can be very lonely when you're older, you lose all the friends of your own generation and youth, sometimes friends of following generations. My mother has lost all of her friends, of her youth, of her older years. She may have her children, but she clearly misses her friends very much.
12
@Craig Willison
I could scarcely get through all the letters filled with serotonin overdoses. I’m not believing the hype of this article frankly. But, if it’s helping people fantasize until their own last moments, good for them I guess. The writer seems happy. But then, I have the 104 year old narcissist clarifying any fantasies of her being a dying madonna on a daily basis. Life is a variety of spices I guess.
6
I recently visited a 97-year -old friend of my (deceased) Mother. The lady has Alzheimers, and no longer recognized me nor remembered my Mom. So we sat together, and I took her hand to hold. It made me cry, as I remembered my Mom. The friend said one of 2 coherent things to me: Oh, I made you cry," reaching out to comfort me, as the kind and generous person she always was. We continued to hold hands and when I squeezed hers, she squeezed back. When I left, I told her I loved her and she said the second coherent thing "I love you too." The connection to the inner human being that still was alive came from that simple hand holding contact. It made me happy and I think it gave my Mom's friend needed human contact.we all crave.
107
Thank you Amy flor sharing this touching story. It is nice to see that there are people out there who don’t disregard the elderly after a certain game or if they end up ill. It gives you a lot to think about and a lot to learn from so again.. Thank you and God bless you
17
I greatly admire you and your wife for taking care of Doris. The picture of Doris reminds me of my 98-year-old mother who has dementia. She’s had it for about the past ten years. In the beginning she had short term memory loss and she could take care of herself. Now she needs 24-hour care and is bedridden. I don’t know if she knows me anymore. (I’m her 61 year old son). I still talk to her and touch her lightly on the arm and kiss her on the cheek but she does not respond. I suppose just because the affection is not received the way I would like it to be doesn’t mean it’s not worth giving. Thanks for sharing. I was deeply touched.
59
@John
My mother too has dementia, is non verbal and cannot care for herself. I believe that at some level the attention, the affection and the gentleness you give your mom does go in. Keep up the good work!
28
@John
When my 14-year-old daughter received a head injury and lay in the hospital in a coma, we continually talked to her and especially about memories we had shared together. I held her hand and stroked her skin. She showed no response at all. But after a month of multifaceted contact, she started to wake up. She laughed at a funny story I was telling her. Gradually she regained consciousness and was beginning to recover a lot of her physical abilities with the help of intensive physical abilities.
She never got her voice back, but we invented a complex system of alphabetic communication with a buzzer on her wheelchair. She had heard and remembered every moment of her comatose days, and cherished those memories. She lived another year, her favorite activity being to be wheeled outdoors and her seat reclined so she could see the stars. So I am not really a believer in the "absence" of dementia patients. I know that people can fully respond emotionally to love even when they can't show it. Trust me, she knows you are there and she receives and values your affection even though she can't show it any more. When Reagan, in early Alzheimer's, couldn't remember his son's name any more, he would say, "Oh, here is the man who gives me hugs!" The heart knows what the brain forgets. Carry on!
69
I too believe that the love and attention you give is received and acknowledged by those who may seem unaware or unresponsive.
A friend lay for weeks after a stroke with eyes closed and unmoving. Family and friends came an went. There were many stories and memories shared. As I sat by I heard confessions, apologies, and expressions of love and gratitude.
Eventually my friends breathing became labored and shallow. The family was called to come “now or never” for a last goodbye. Then in a room filled with those he had known throughout his long life my friend suddenly opened his eyes and said to everyone’s shock and surprise, “I will miss you all so very much.” And he exhaled one long last time.
I often wonder if he had heard every word that every one of us had spoken to him. I believe he did.
26
Beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it and for us to learn from it.
18
My reaction to this beautifully written and emotionally meaningful article was the exact opposite to the response I had several minutes prior while reading the article about the wealthy, fanatically driven woman with stage four lung cancer. The first article left me questioning not only the mental health but the almost perverse need this woman had to drive herself and her children in self-focused, physical accomplishments. The message she apparently wanted to pass on to her children was to put their desires above others and to push themselves no matter what or at what cost. This article describing the life and last two years of Aunt Doris and the loving, accepting bond she had with her nephew and his wife (and her extended family as noted in the wonderful comment by the author’s daughter) and the things they learned from each other was far superior. I cried through the last few paragraphs. I will die from an incurable cancer at a much earlier age than Aunt Doris but I found inspiration and a path forward in Dr. Eisenberg’s words. I thank him and his family for sharing her with us.
92
Your story is beautiful, thank you. It is wonderful that we find gifts in the most unexpected places. Who would have thought Doris had more to give to you at 104... I have had similar experiences over the years. I have volunteered as a chaplain visitor at hospitals and as a hospice volunteer. I always found a gentle touch and listening made for a great visit. It is better now but there wasn't much "connecting", especially at the end of life, in hospital settings back in the day. Thank goodness the way we treat our elders at the end of their journey has evolved over the years. It is a wonderful thing you and your family did, thank you for sharing it.
21
Barry, thank you for sharing this wonderfully written beautiful article. Amy often spoke of Aunt Doris and I always felt I got to know her through her. You were both wonderful to her and you were lucky to have each other. May we all learn from your example.
Warm regards, Esther
24
This is a beautiful article Dad. A wonderful tribute to Doris who was indeed- a genuine gift to all of us. Thank you (and mom) for being such a vital part of the last moments and experiences of her unbelievable life... and for sharing her legacy with the world! Doris was always a hero to me and it brings happy tears to my eyes seeing her shining smile in The New York Times! Congratulations and thank you on behalf of all of us whose lives she so deeply touched. Xo, Kerry
149
Beautiful story...I hope my end is filled with the same love, empathy and compassion that Doris had. Thank you for sharing.
27
Remember to kiss your elderly parents. The very old are so seldom physically touched. My dad always seems a little startled when I come in for a kiss. But he carefully and slowly purses his lips, and smiles for some moments after.
63
This story, as beautiful and heart warming as it is, hit me like a ton of bricks. I am a 67 year old man recently divorced with no children. Recently I have begun to think about my mortality and how to live this stage of my life. With no family and not many real friendships, the thought of growing old alone creates sadness and makes me realize that superficial friendships over the years should have been nurtured more. It's easy to let them dissolve and I am now feeling the overwhelming regret for having let the year go by before I finally got it. I hope it's not to late for me, but more importantly, I hope people will read this article and live their lives so that these issues never become the life.
128
@WP
I promise this WP: it is not too late.
I’ve found sadness and regret can transform into joy and promise when I reach out. Another hand, quite often, is reaching out also.
49
@WP Never too late...befriend someone who is lonely and share special moments for however much time you have remaining...good luck and health to you.
29
@WP. Your reflection here, with its honest assessment of your circumstances, and your regrets, prove your capacity to make new connections.
Old “superficial” friendships might grow deeper and richer with a letter such as the one you’ve gifted NYT’s readers with here today.
Keep a collection of great poetry and essays nearby to tell you it’s never too late to be surprised by new insights.
43
Although I am 60 and 106, I'm an unmarried woman without children. I"m losing the art of hugging, perhaps I'm out of practice, or uncertain that someone wants one from an older woman. (And maybe, Doris and I were never very good at it.) In addition to opening your home to your aunt, thank you for opening your arms. The gift of touch to older people is rare.
127
“She thanked us for this gift. But in learning about life, love, aging, meaningfulness and the power of connection, the gift was all ours.”
And you shared that gift with us. Thank you.
84
Everyone should have an aunt like Doris.
16
Just as it should be. Well done, Doris, Amy and Barry Eisenberg.
17
“She never married”. Ahhh. Is this the secret to long life for women? I’m kidding...sort of.
62
This story says as much about you as it does Doris. There are very few families that would take in a 106 year old woman nearing the end of her life. You’ve earned a big deposit in your karmic bankbook.
71
Thank you for writing this wonderful reflection about Doris. The lesson you have imparted on your own children is invaluable. Many of us are left with depending on the kindness of strangers which may tend to our physical needs but do not nurture our souls.
23
Very inspiring. Thank you.
11
For the elderly to be put in assisted living or in the care of a professional caregiver can be very much like being sent to prison. I am not surprised your aunt improved under your loving care in a real home with access to nature, family, and even a dog.
48
@Eli Although I would wish that everyone who has an Aunt Doris can take them into their home, it's not so simple for families of lower income. I had to find an assisted living facility who took Medicaid for my elderly mother who will be 98 this year. She also was living alone and I didn't want her to burn down her building by leaving pots on the stove. She has been there 3 years, and I am tortured constantly about how she thinks it's a wacko place. Even though I have put in tons of time doing all the paperwork and tending to the never ending details of complications involving Medicaid,hospital stays, rehab,trusts, and given that she is actually taken care of well, I still feel like I have failed her.I don't have a house, I live in a tiny 2 bedroom with my husband and son, and we don't even have enough money to pay for a private room at her asst living place for her. Luckily, she is still active and gets on buses to go out shopping, etc., so she maintains a certain sanity. But it has been a hard, arduous journey. I also live a few states away and luckily, again, she has her sisters and their families in her area.They all agree that even though it is not the best situation,Mom does get her meds administered, her meals, her laundry done, etc, and if she were left to her own devices, with the health issues she has had, she would have died a while ago. At least she has been able to enjoy family and also makes some new wacko friends for a while longer. So prison? I don't think so.
62
PS...for those who are curious, she is my step mom, which is why she is is almost 98 and I still have a kid living at home. And for anyone who wonders why we have a trust on Medicaid, it's to protect the surplus amount between the Medicaid income restrictions, and her social security. So she gets a couple hundred dollars a month spending money. It's all legal and a real life saver. She's worked all her life, so she deserves it. It's so important that we have these systems in place for people like us. And Aunt Doris sounded like a most gracious woman. Quite lovely.
29
@prokedsorchucks: What you are describing is better-than-usual care, trust me - she has family nearby & she's able to get out to go on a bus to go shopping.
You should talk to others who are not so lucky. I've seen it first-hand on several occasions, and YES, it IS prison in many cases! The average 98-year-old in assisted living is NOT out riding a bus to go shopping.
23
Lovely: in the truest sense of the word.
It would be wonderful if we could all finish our days on this planet
like this...
21
You and your Wife gave her peace, hope and love. What more could anyone want, and wish for ? Well done.
46
What a beautifully written piece. A testimony to the genuine care we can give our elders. My dad was 95 with dementia but maintained his rather 'morbid', dry sense of humor and l because I started saying out loud "I love you" he said it back, something he had never done when he was a younger dad. He often said that he was glad that I was 'here', meaning that I had returned to my hometown after years of a much more cosmopolitan life-style, to be with him in his 90's. Although his transition from this life was not as smooth as this woman's, at least I was present with him, a conscious decision I had made rather than staying away and letting strangers do all the 'care'.
One day he said, "How are things in Europe?" (meaning WWII). I said, well dad we are now more concerned about the middle east, I think you may have a little time warp going on. His reply: "Nah, I'm just warped!" And then we had a good laugh.
38
Thank you, Dr Eisenberg. I cried reading this...
We too believed it was almost dad’s time when we moved him in with us last July. Dad’s 95, with dementia, but an extremely gentle and grateful soul. It continues to be an incredible, life-changing journey. Every day is a gift...
41
What a beautiful story. Thank you so much for lifting my heart and spirits. Rest in peace, beautiful Doris.
23
As I near age 71 I find myself contemplating things of this nature. Your essay was quite heartening to me. Thank you for your insight and kindness.
34
Thank you for this beautiful story. My heart needed something like this to provide relief from all the chaos in the news
44
Thank you for such a beautiful essay. This is a most loving tribute to your Aunt Doris and to all families who are doing the selfless work of caring for their elderly in their final days.
30
One of the best, most important pieces I've read all year, maybe ever. Thank you
39
Thanks for this, so important, wise and meaningful in these preposterous times. This essay is an antidote to most of the news on these pages.
My late mother, who would be in her late 90s, was Doris as well. A name from another era, a long century ago. She had many nieces and nephews, so hearing about an Aunt Doris resonates. Our society looks so often at aging as a problem to handle, without appreciating that the human search for autonomy and meaning never ends.
43
thank you to Dr. Eisenberg for sharing this story and thank you to the Times for publishing this. Very moving and very real. thank you!
34
A loving and most charming story. My mother lives with us - she is 97. Full of life and curiosity as ever. Your writing inspires me to appreciate the process even more. Thank you.
57
wow! so much to absorb and hopefully, learn. Particularly the autonomy (to whatever degree possible) of oneself... we ALL want that! you have a beautiful gift to your Aunt, and now, to us. Thank you.
25
Dr. Eisenberg, Your story brought tears to my eyes. Having recently lost my father, we brought my 85-year-old mother to live with us. She has early dementia but is otherwise doing quite well. This is a true gift to me and my son. You were also gifted and forever changed I daresay. Tikkun Olam.
43
As my Mom moved through her dementia, the hardest parts for her were being "let go" at her numerous volunteer activities, and suffering progressive aphasia- very hard for a gregarious person.. Eventually she had not spoken a whole sentence in months. We had a family gathering. I had been divorced, and was remarried a few years by then. Out of the blue Mom said to my husband "How do you like your new wife compared to your old one?" We still laugh about this...those windows when her humor/love/generosity/life force shown through are some of my most precious memories now that she is gone...So happy Barry and Amy, that you shared this journey with Doris. Beautifully written, too.
61
What a beautiful reminder how special life can be, even in our later years. But you and Amy are also very special.
I am glad that I have both of you as friends.
33
I had an uncle who lived to be 106. The last 6 or 7 years of his life, he would send out Christmas cards that read "I'm still here" with his firm signature underneath. He also made it quite clear before he died that he didn't want "Amazing Grace" played at his funeral because he hated the song. His wish was granted. I miss that guy like nothing else.
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@mpound
Funny! As a Jew, I don't get the option of Amazing Grace, a song I love. However, I have told friends, NO ASHHET CHAYIL-it is said for anyone and everyone, regardless of real attributes. One of my friends said, "Don't worry, we'll have plenty to say." I laughed. Fortunate to have friends and especially fortunate that they have senses of humor.
8
@mpound Your uncle sounds awesome! Love his sense of humor! May he rest in peace.
2
As once again I wipe the tears from eyes, tears for Aunt Doris, tears for the elderly in my life who taught me invaluable lessons. Lessons to be learned through out this life that I hold close. Because they sustain me. And thankfully make me who I am.
My responsibility’s include don’t forget and share. Through voice and story.
Thanks for sharing with the world y’alls story.
Hugs and kisses!
29
God bless you, Barry and Amy, for your love, kindness and support for your aunt Doris. It is a balm for the heart to know that people like you exist. Thank you also for the gift you have given me with this article. I cannot think of a better way to start my day.
65
It's not yet 6:00 am and this uplifting piece has already made my day. Thank you for writing it.
97
Every Saturday morning, I meet a group of friends for a morning swimming workout followed by coffee and a light breakfast at a local coffee shop. It's a fun group with conversation that touches on everything...politics, sports, kids, travel. In the last few weeks I noticed an elderly gentleman sitting alone at the coffee shop. Something about him struck me as lonely...I can't put my finger on why. This article has inspired me - Saturday we will ask him if he cares to join our discussion. Thank you for this beautiful article.
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@LexDad Cheers! What a great idea, and a great inspiration to take from this article.
28
@Lexdad,
Very noble idea.
I’m sure you will make him and your days so much better!
9
@LexDad: That would be a very nice thing to do, and I hope he'll accept. And if he doesn't, leave the "door" open for him to change his mind in the future, b/c "hey, you never know!"
14
What a stunning, beautiful article. Thank you.
67
This is a beautiful, moving tribute. I loved reading it, it reminded me firstly that as a community, we must think about how we treat our elderly citizens and what kind of care and lives we want for them, espcially those closest to us. But it also made me remember and miss my beloved Aunt Rhoda, who passed away just before her 100th Birthday, a milestone she dearly wanted to achieve. She was an amazing woman, I adored her. I hope your memories bring you as much joy as mine, Mr. Eisenberg.
42
@Caro
My mother will have her 99th birthday next week. I intend to write on her birthday cake, "welcome to your 100th year." This is why:
In the West, we call our first birth anniversary our "first birthday," when actually we have FINISHED our first year and are now in/beginning our second year. Similarly, on my mothers 99th birthday, she will have finished 99 full years of living and be in/beginning her 100th year of life.
I have been told the Chinese use this more accurate way of telling age: They too would say and understand that my mother is 100 next week.
1
Sharing in life and death, living and dying with those you love, is such a wonderful experience. Being with someone you love, dying in your home with the help of hospice, can be spiritual.
40
A beautiful tribute to someone who blessed you with her presence and who you blessed in return with opening your home and your heart as well.
I learned most of life's lessons from my grandmothers, both wise women of humble means but rich in advice and love.
May we all remember to learn from history -- especially from those who can share their own stories. No history book can ever match those!
20
All the time while reading this I was thinking of my great-grandmother who lived until she was 98. My soulmate and treasure in life! Even when I was very young I felt her magical presence in my life. How lucky I had been! She passed 40 years ago. Her spiritual presence and wisdom lives within me daily. I was always moved by people 80+ because I desired and cherished their wisdom.
I also thought of Viktor Frankl, whom I feel very honored to have known here. He wrote and felt about life, not what life can offer me, no, WHAT CAN I OFFER LIFE?. Yes, EXACTLY. He was the most profound human being that ever touched me.
Also Simon Wiesenthal. I had heard he was ill and was together with him on Mother's Day in Mauthausen. He always spoke there on the day of Liberation. He was frail and I was standing near him trying to hear him recite Kaddish, the prayer for the dead. I saw tears in his eyes, I couldn't help myself and walked away and was sobbing because I felt this great man was going to pass soon--and he did. Also, I thought in that moment, how when his daugther was young he got "stand-in" family members because she was asking where is? because he had had no one and she was too young to tell her the truth.
So, we are here to touch each other, to learn, and to love. Barry Eisenberg, thank you for touching us! I really feel deeply moved on so many levels. Especially what you wrote about her own mother. These days it felt like warm rain in the desert, rainbows after.
84
You’ve evoked so many memories of how enlivening and valuable it is to share life across the generations of a family. In a way, your generous humanity brought your aunt back to life, and her renewed self deepened yours.
These are gifts we could all give each other if we weren’t so isolated by excessive individualism and a national leadership that seems dependent on divisiveness.
Thank you, and your aunt Doris, for reminding us that whatever our age or circumstances, giving and receiving are the same thing—a way to increase our common humanity.
50
Your story made me think of a recent conversation I had with a 90 year old patient of mine. Politics aside, he is very troubled by our current President. Not necessarily policy, just the fickleness and mendacity. My patient is nostalgic about prior Presidents he remembers well, such as FDR or JFK and my patient reminded me about something I had said to him last year....something along the lines of, "It makes me sad for you that if Trump is re-elected, you might not live to see another President." Seemingly, this was more difficult to face than mortality itself.
112
@Dr. Alan,
be careful what you say
6
@Dr. Alan
A proposition: Why not call all that is beyond your control a blessing, instead of a curse - that makes a blessing of your life.
1
Touching story. People who stay active and involved in their community seem to do much better in old age. Having a supportive family helps too!
22
@Jimbo I cried also. When you retire at 91 and then go to volunteer at the library-wow. There is a lesson for life and happiness!! Keep active and busy . thank you, Barry
7
"Doris thrived when she could make choices about how to spend her time, maintain control over her life story, and feel that those around her respected whatever autonomy she was capable of exercising.
"I came to appreciate that meaningfulness involved dignifying Doris’s desires, feelings, memories and even aspirations."
the essence of what we all seek: dignity and respect...
135
@Addison Steele: EXACTLY! At any age we wish to be treated with consideration, dignity and respect.
I've never understood why so many people seem to think that, after a certain age, an older person doesn't have any preferences worth honoring.
14
Touching story. People who stay active and involved in their community seem to do much better in old age. Having a supportive family helps too!
16
Thank you for sharing this touching story. We just recently closed a similar chapter in our lives when my 96 year old father-in-law passed away peacefully in our home in NJ after living with us for the past few years. We too were gifted with his stories, knowledge and love that we will cherish for the remaining years of our lives.
77
What a lovely story. I am a geriatric NP, having worked in the home and in hospice. I always tell everyone that the elders all have great stories that we should listen to. They are aspirational. And they are always grateful.
112
Beautiful story to start my day. Thank you for reminding us of the richness of generations and connection. Doris will be remembered.
145
@Nancy T.
amen.
3