"Ms. Posnien also recommends not putting a timeline on the loss survivor’s grief. “Healing after a suicide loss is a lifelong journey,” she said."
Ms. Posnien should listen more carefully to her own advices. By saying that healing after a suicide loss is a lifelong journey she IS setting a timeline on the survivor's grief. Her words can be heard as "You'll never fully heal from it. You have to feel pain, sadness. This is what is expected of you. If you don't, you're not normal/you didn't love them enough/..." and that kind of thoughts creating guilt.
5
@spirit I don't believe that is the intent of Ms. Posnien. She is giving people space to not "rush" their process. And that process will take time. And everyone mourns in their own way. Peace to all.
2
Three brothers committed suicide. The first was over 40 years ago, by gun. The others never recovered from that loss, and took their lives in more recent years. I’ve had lots of time sorting through “why?”.
I believe the most comfort comes from knowing that we all make bad decisions now and again.
Suicide is a bad decision, and it can’t be undone, but we forgive the bad decisions of the people we love.
8
@Martha Hueter “we forgive the bad decisions of the people we love.” Well said, very well said.
4
...Ive dealt with stressfull abusive childhood, failed marriages, being cheated on several times, raising a daughter by myself. multiple explosion and hundreds of fires being a sawdust dryer operator. To the point of panic, yet like most i know it would be selfish to put myself over, kids, family, friends.
1
@James Stahlnecker Great that you made it through your challenges. You could consider that everyone is not you and take Phillyshrink's advice to research depression. For many, depression precedes suicide along with the belief that you are in a really dark place and cannot see your way out or light on the other side. The departing person may see leaving as an act of love. It's best for each of us not to judge others, especially those we don't know.
17
A classmate of mine took his own life a few years ago. When I heard of the news, I was frustrated. I didn't know what to do. For the first time, however, I saw my other classmates crying. They mourned his death quietly and privately. When they did so, I stared at my desk. I scribbled a circle on a piece of paper.
I, too, wanted to die. I was severely depressed back then. But I've held it back for more than a decade already. To be honest, I'm surprised that I made it this far.
3
@J. I’m glad you’re here. Stay.
Last year was I was suicidal, going so far as to write my will and finalize my financials... but I stayed. I’m glad you stayed, too. I know it’s cliche, but only because it’s true: it does get better.
If you haven’t already, please seek professional help as they are truly the MVP’s in transforming suicidal ideation.
When I was contemplating death, I read passages from Seneca and Marcus Aurelius, then I’d go for a walk. The chaos inside me calmed once I realized this chaos has always been present, especially so for the great leaders and thinkers of the past. They organized the chaos though, with death being the only constant. Maybe I could too. I made death my companion, not my solution.
I know I will die one day, so my depression had a “way out” so to speak. And in the in between... what to see today? A penny on the ground was usually my goal. Maybe see a parent & child hold hands. Ask: how many hands had to touch my jeans to get to me? My goal in essence was just to bear witness to life unfolding before me; to not lose touch with this gift. That’s it. And without having to focus so much on the lack in my life, the nagging questions of: “Will I ever make it? Why can’t I do this? Why? What’s wrong with me?” bouncing in my head, I was opened up to questions I found way more interesting. This isn’t the fix for everyone, but it helped process my depression and grief. That’s therapy for me.
Hope you find one of those moments today.
18
@Abby thank you for writing this. I'm glad you've both stayed too. ❤
9
@Abby Beautiful!
I will never forget how I felt after my husbands suicide in 1978. People said some terrible things and I never felt so alone. A couple worker told me that since I had been given lemons, I should make lemonade. I will never forget those words,time, or place. Neither will I forget the suicide jokes that were repeated . Maybe they forgot but I didn’t . Who knows what another person has experienced? Even family got aggravated with my grief
9
I lost my son to suicide 4 yrs ago. It still hurts me that I wasn't there for him. My only living son has had nothing to do with me since then. How do people get through Mother's Day?
10
Nancy, I am so sorry you are still in so much pain. Please reach out to a support group or friends that care for you on Mother’s Day. Sometimes it is difficult for anyone, even family, to support each other in a way that is comforting after such a life changing episode.
Parent child relationships can be complicated, sometimes we don’t bring out the best in each other, but it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. I hope things get better between you and your surviving child.
8
@Nancy So sorry for your loss. It was not your fault.
3
“ I love you and I’m here for you.” Don’t say either if you don’t mean it. Love is action; show up, be there.
“ May you find whatever it is you need at this time,” leaves it open to the griever’s needs and is good to write in a card.
If appropriate, a hug, a real, enveloping hug can communicate so much.
I truly believe we can never understand how another person feels; we are complex beings, who may not even understand ourselves.
As for “ I feel your pain,” that’s a tricky one. Do you? Do you feel MY pain, or is it your pain projected?
A maximum of writing applies to grief as well, “when it doubt, leave it out.”
I am not a survivor of suicide loss. I am a three time suicide survivor. It’s not a selfish act, it’s a person who has lost all hope. The reasons are as varied as our complexities, but without hope, there is no reason to go on.
15
@Person Thanks for sharing your experience. I HATE when people say it's selfish. Clearly the person is at rock bottom. I've always found it selfish to say, "Not only are you depressed and without hope, you're SELFISH because I want you to stick around suffering so I don't have to be sad too." Unless you've been in their shoes, you can't possibly judge a suicidal person as selfish.
14
@James S
I don’t understand your comment. What do you perceive as romanticized? I don’t romanticize anything; I’m extremely cognizant and aware that I’m the only one that can save me.
1
@Nicki
Thank you. Truly, thank you.
My best friend committed suicide. I say she had a terminal case of depression and was out of her mind. Had she been sane, her final act would have never happened. I know this to be true and it's the only way I can reconcile her loss.
12
We mean well when we express condolences. In my experience it's very hard to say the right thing. Please forgive us.
19
@Petaltown I agree.
One of my close friends (although I suppose, in hindsight, we weren’t close at all) took his life.
He left a wife and two pre-teen children. I attended his funeral, and simply said, “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
I’ve kept in touch with his now grown children. I recently stumbled on to some texts he had sent me that hint about an emptiness in his soul. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, and I doubt he would’ve opened up to me.
But now I wonder if I should share those texts with his children. On the one hand, maybe it would give them some insight, rather than always wondering. On the other hand, it could reopen terrible wounds.
I’m inclined to just keep the information to myself.
10
@David G. I spent years wondering about my father. I'm older now and understand suicide better. And yet... if I learned there was letter that hinted at my father's frame of mind pre-suicide, I'd be interested. You could ask the children if they would like to see the texts; they might say no. I think the wounds never really close, it's just a matter of getting on with life anyway. I don't want to speak on behalf of those children, but I think it would be kind to give them the choice.
9
@David G.my dad took his own life when I was 14. I looked everywhere I could for a note of some kind and never found one. I would have given anything to have had some clue as to his thoughts and feelings leading up to it.
6
My best friend lost her father to suicide about a year ago. People say/said the weirdest things to her, some really thoughtless like “how selfish your father was”. Some plain bizarre - someone else told her to have her head examined as suicide runs in families - I’m not kidding.
I always find that the kindest things to tell people is that you are here for them and in fact you can’t imagine the pain they must be feeling. Bc it’s true, everyone’s experiences are different. The living have to deal with the loss independent of how said loss took place. Remember to write a nice note remembering a good moment, it’s important, I loved getting those when my mother passed.
As for my friend, she is doing much better, she had similar experiences as some of the other commenters, with people who did not say anything or even sent a condolence note. Must be hard for people to relate, but a “sorry for your loss” suffices.
As a friend I found that really listening is important, asking questions about practical things as well. Calling/texting to talk about the weather/the color of bananas/nothing, gives people an opening to talk if they want to. Remember that holidays are very hard for the people that suffered the loss.
I think as friends/family members, our job is to help everyone get to their NEW normal whatever, whenever that may be.
21
This article says that suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in this country. That should make all of us stop and think about the need to have this declared a true national health emergency and develop better approaches to handling such desperate emotional states. So much sympathy to all the readers who have described their own experiences.
19
The people left behind will be in pain. They may be in pain for the rest of their lives. Say your are sorry for their loss. Listen. Love.
Unless asked, do NOT suggest to the person that there are support groups for the people the suicide victim left behind. Unless asked, do NOT tell the survivor, especially if the person is a blood relative of the deceased, that the survivor is, statistically, much more likely to commit suicide. Chances are, the survivor is aware of that.
May the good of those we have lost continue on in our lives. May we be grateful for the lives they lead. May their life -- and death -- be a blessing for us.
7
My father committed suicide when I was 18. That was 25 years ago. At the time, I was hurt when family friends crossed the street to avoid speaking to me, or I’d get angry if someone said, “God has a plan for everything.” I now realize people were just uncomfortable or at a loss for words. Which is fair, because suicide is hard to understand. At the time, I most appreciated people who said, “I’m so sorry,” or “How awful” and then talked to me like a regular person. Because the worst was being treated like I had some crazy contagion that I must have caught from my crazy family. Just talking to someone about normal things, even the weather, can be a small kindness.
20
Losing a loved person to suicide is like no other death. I know it makes people uncomfortable but when my brother died by his own hand and his own gun, I wondered where the casseroles were. Where were the sympathy cards that should have been in the mailbox?
I did not appreciate the person who said that he must have had a diagnosis of a terrible physical illness. No, I said with anger, his fatal diagnosis was despair.
I lost a lot of weight in a short time following his death and wished that people would stop telling me how great I looked. Yeah, it's a terrific weight loss plan called the My Brother Shot His Own Head Off Diet. You should try it!
The most helpful thing I read in the aftermath was this: When someone you love commits suicide, they leave their skeleton in your closet. I know it sounds grim but it is true and it helped to prepare me for the fact that suicide is not something you get over. All you can do is forgive the person who chose to leave and build up the strength to carry them with you for the rest of your days.
28
@Susan Hembree Yes, the skeleton in the closet. Never heard it put that way but it rings true. And I’m sure all kinds of suicide are awful, but I felt especially traumatized by the gun-to-the-head method of my father. Suicide sometimes feels like homicide. But the perpetrator is dead, too. It’s really weird, right?
6
@Susan Hembree yes, these words... 💞
1
Fifty nine years ago, my young mother ended her life when I was a girl. It was never, ever discussed; she was never discussed, by my Boston WASP family, ever. Period. Ever. Each family has its own manner of coping.
If you are not in a professional therapeutic relationship with a survivor, do not tell someone how they ought to behave or what they ought to believe or what the public story should be. You simply have no right. Please never, never, inject religious beliefs into the situation unasked. Religion is treacherous territory.
Two of my very closest professional colleagues ended their lives (separately). In hand-written letters to his wife and her parents I recounted the ways he and she had enriched my life and how grateful I was to have known them. I promised, "Every year on his/her birthday, I will get flowers and light a candle in memory". Their survivors told me my letters were a comfort.
I have kept that promise to them and it comforts me too.
Not all problems can be solved. Life and death are mysteries.
36
@Caring is Supporting My father died in early summer. For the rest of the summer all relatives, including my mother and siblings (and me) pretended he had never even existed. At all. Threw his stuff away and that was the end of it. It felt odd at the time, but also like...we were at a loss for anything else.
1
Let’s change our vocabulary. Instead of saying a person committed suicide, let’s instead say they died by suicide or succumbed to suicide.
The crippling mental illness that drives people to take their own lives is a disease. We can support survivors by using language that acknowledges the illness their lost loved one suffered from.
Perhaps it is enough to say how deeply sorry we are to hear about the loss, and to offer love, support, and condolences. And if there are positive memories we have of the deceased, those can be shared without judgment or censure.
20
I've lost two older brothers to suicide. I've heard everything listed here and then some. I don't go to many family gatherings these days because of the way they were written out of the family script. They were not that young when they died. They left children and many memories, but I often felt out of place even bringing them up. With few exceptions, it seemed that everyone else preferred to pretend they never existed. I often wondered how different things might have been if they had died some other way. The pain never goes away, but it changes with time.
41
@Rick - I am so sorry for your loss.
4
I lost my partner of ten years to suicide three years ago, six months before our wedding.
People said incredibly hurtful things after I lost him, but what hurt me the most was people not acknowledging that I had lost someone I loved.
I understand people are uncomfortable and perhaps don't know what to say, but their silence made me feel like my partner never existed. It also made me feel like I did something wrong and I felt (and still do) feel enormous guilt for not being able to stop his death.
A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" would have sufficed.
43
@Bosphorus You are so right. I lost my sister to suicide many years ago. Recently a friend asked me if I had siblings. When I told her about my sister she paused and asked "what was wrong with her?" She didn't mean to be insensitive but people just don't understand that people die from mental illness just as they did from physical illness. There is still a stigma about suicide and mental illness.
9
Isn't the best thing always to just say "I'm so sorry"?
28
There is such a frustrating disconnect between this article and the many many articles and columns, accompanied by hundreds of "recommended"comments" regularly appearing in the NYT that promote the notion that suicide is just a rational choice. What a very confused newspaper this is!
3
@Barbara
Perhaps you are one that is confused. I have read the NY Times for 30+ years and can't remember news articles saying that suicide is a rational choice. As for readers comments, do you assume that the Times would publish only the letters that agree with your beliefs? How would that work?
8
An older sister committed suicide when I was 20. I was beyond devastated. I couldn't even say the word suicide for about 5 years. I'm in my 60s now and it still hurts. The best you can be for people is to be there for them, listen, let them talk, because I understand there isn't anything you can say really.
33
I’ve been affected, like so many other people.
Back in High School (1984) I saw one of the school’s most intelligent and popular young adults from our school just days before he drove himself to the local falls and jumped to his death. He didn’t look good on the day I saw him—if only I would have said something uplifting! But how could I—I looked up to him and all his achievements: He had the girls, he had the intelligence and the money—I was a worm!
My father killed himself too. He had guns all his life and emotional issues coupled with years of self abuse through alcoholism. That was a dangerous cocktail! One night when he was drunk I had the feeling he could shoot me, but I was good at placating/diffusing so he put a bullet in the wall instead. Years later he didn’t shoot himself with a gun; he went into his tool shed and started the lawn mower until he was dead. What a sad thing to do. He lost it and it got to him, whatever IT is.
I never seriously thought of committing suicide but did often think about jumping from a highway overpass on my way home from school. I reasoned it was an over active brain or something like that. My “self help” on so many issues back then came from reading good books like those from Dr. Wayne Dyer. He helped me to not take every thought as valid.
We humans are under a lot of stress and we need to talk about it more, because many people can’t figure it out alone without someone taking them by the hand and saying: It’s okay. Me too.
33
I have not lost anyone to suicide but I know that “I know how you feel” is a very risky statement - very very unlikely to be appreciated unless you really do. When my son was born with Down Syndrome I listen to a nurse drone on and on about her near experience with a child with a disability, who was born healthy blah blah blah and truly would have throttled her had I not just had a Caesarian and was not in shock. And my experience did. Ot approach the authors.
12
When people suffering from depression and other mental illnesses commit suicide, it's often the result of living with extreme mental anguish. As Ms from California mentioned, mental illness greatly distorts one's thinking. Offering sincere sympathy, allowing the survivor to grieve, and being an available friend are helpful responses. "He's in a better place" and "God never gives us more than we can handle" are thoughtless responses to any loss. "Suicide is the coward's way out" is heartless and stupid.
21
To Ms. Brandeis, I am so sorry of the loss of your mother.
I lost my son to suicide at the age of 18. 15 years ago but this article still brought me to immediate tears.
First and foremost, I am going to say that if someone you know is depressed and saying that they would be better off dead - it is a medical emergency and they should be taken to the nearest emergency department and assessed. Please do not think that you can talk them through their medical condition. They may hate you for getting hospitalized, but they are alive to do so.
As to what to say or not say to families who have lost someone to suicide, I cannot add more than others have said - except to state - whatever you say, it will be better than being silent. I remember every one who was present at my son's funeral. Those who acted as if it had not occurred are lost to me.
I thank all of my friends and family who were there for me when this occurred. They are always remembered as being there for the worst moment of anyone's life.
35
I've experienced suicide on personal levels (my own attempt and my niece's suicide) and professional levels (having been a suicide counselor).
For me, the most welcomed and needed response was for someone to just be with me, allowing me to cry to the point I got horrific headaches. Sometimes a hand was extended, sometimes a gentle caress on my arm, a warm and compassionate smile. The gestures were always simple, just an indication that someone was listening, was caring and was willing to be with me for as long as I needed.
I always felt the most vulnerable at night, as if the darkness held special powers to suck me into an abyss in which I did not want to escape. The mornings always gave me hope that I had survived the night and perhaps today I would feel less alone, unwanted, stupid, unnecessary.
I have to be honest. Even though my attempt was over 40 years ago, I could very easily find myself right back there under the right conditions. I am forever thankful for my husband because I know he saves my life every single day. I am also forever grateful for my cats - they give me a reason to get out of bed every morning. They need and depend on me more than my perfect husband. They were abandoned and abused when they graced my life. I saved their lives and then now save mine. I will NEVER be without cats.
I tell folks who contact me that I don't have any magic answers, but I am a dang good listener. Sometimes, people just need to be heard over everything else.
53
@Marge Keller
Thank you for writing and sharing your perspective, Marge. Helpful to read.
7
Offering sympathy and consolation is hard because we wish to do something or say something that provides an explanation or a path forward.
But it's often best to keep it simple (I'm so sorry; my heart aches for you); to do something helpful (bring by a meal; volunteer to babysit kids or walk the dog); and to send a kind gift (flowers; a letter recalling special times with the deceased) and keep other thoughts/opinions to yourself.
It is hard enough to experience deep grief; it is certainly appreciated when someone knows to be there and give quiet comfort.
20
Seven suicides in my immediate family or close friends in my life. Just being there without needing to speak is precious. Remembering happy or good things about the deceased together is helpful. Don’t forget them or avoid speaking of them; they are real and lived. The most painful thing is when people avoid speaking of them as if they never existed.
42
@Molly Ciliberti,
Thank You for your insight,GoodLuck.
6
@Jerry Fitzsimmons Thank you Jerry. I keep them close in my heart.
5
@Jerry Fitzsimmons
When you can’t look on the bright side; I will sit with you in the dark.
4
I lost my parents to suicide about 20 years ago when I was in college. What followed was social vacuum created by friends, family members, and neighbors. Most of them did not know how to react and therefore they withdrew. Some of them blamed my parents and the toxic relationship they were in, some thought I should have prevented it by quitting school and moving back home. The outcome is that aside from having lost parents, being stricken by grief, guilt and despair, I ended up being uprooted from everything I knew. I had to move and create a new life. I have no history. My date of birth was moved up and, instead of being born, I feel like I was parachuted onto this planet as a fully formed young adult from the plane operated by Air Suicide.
63
@Paul,
Keep marching,you have caught a tough break,I am rooting for you,The goodness of people want you to go on and succeed,use that thought to realize you have a team with you.
Keep Moving Forward,
J Fitz
22
@Paul
I’m sorry for your compound losses. And, I want to compliment you on your writing. That last sentence!
8
Paul I am so so sorry for your losses. Such terrible pain. I hope you have some kind and loving people to lean on.
1
What not to say would include "everything happens for a reason", words my best friend at the time said to me after my mother took her life when I was 22. It was a very isolating time. People often don't know what to say, so they say nothing or they avoid you which left me feeling so very isolated during a desperate time in my life. Bearing witness to anothers pain without running away & avoiding trying to "fix" it with explanations for the unexplainable are two great gifts to give one suffering form a suicide loss.
59
I lost a 12 year old daughter to suicide 15 years ago. As I look back on the early years after that loss, the most meaningful and comforting measures of compassion were those people who simply sat or walked alongside me, usually saying little or nothing. But their presence held me up and enabled me to reach a more stable time in the bereavement process.
97
Thank you for writing. my 14 yr old daughter has had suicide ideation since 5. So sorry for your immense loss.
4
I lost my husband nearly 14 years ago. He was 64 and died of prostate cancer.
People said lots of different things to me. They had done the same when I was divorced from my first husband. Some were truly kind, some had good intent, but where thoughtless.
What I learned is that one must accept the sympathy that one is being given, even if it is not in the form one might prefer. People DO care. They may just be really bad at how they verbalize it. Perhaps our inability to forgive them for saying the "wrong thing" is that we are having trouble forgiving ourselves.
I worked very hard to hear the message behind the awkward words. It was one of compassion and I needed that. Just don't let the words get in the way of hearing this.
116
India...thank you.
4
With a couple of suicides in my family, I hope I never have to hear a smug, “You’re in our thoughts and prayers,” again. Emptier, self-aggrandizing words were never said.
59
@Barbara Morrell
We are all so different. Having lost two sibs to suicide, I like the words you don't, Barbara. Unless someone says it who doesn't actually pray. And, like India who commented above, given how hard this is to talk about that we needed this wonderful article, because our culture doesn't teach us this skill, I appreciate almost anything anyone says after a loss, except the time someone said to me, when I was deep in grief and didn't want to go to their party, "Come on! It happened two weeks ago!"
27
@Barbara Morrell
What would you prefer they say instead?
1
@Barbara Morrell
The one I hate is "God doesn't give us more than we can handle"
24
My goodness, this piece brings up strong emotions for me. I have been through all of this since my beloved brother died of suicide 9 years ago. They are called secondary wounds and it is very wounding.
Two that come to mind immediately for me is someone asked me “were you close?” What did this mean? Were you saying I was grieving too long?
Another was I had to cancel an appointment with a genetic counselor when my brother died. Even though I clearly wanted to cancel, she kept on pushing me to come in. She, without my permission, called me six weeks later to reschedule and asked me “is everything all right, I mean back to normal now?”
20
@Ellen Campbell, I am sorry for your loss. I wonder if the person who asked you whether you were close to your brother was (awkwardly) trying to invite an opportunity for you to express your feelings and love for him, rather than suggesting you were grieving too long?
22
@A Reader No, in the context of the conversation she was trying to say she was surprised I was still grieving. Sadly, because it really impacted how I felt about her.
11
I lost my best friend to suicide in November 2013. The worst thing I heard was from my then father in law; “Well, these things happen,” he said in that curmudgeonly way to stop any further conversation. I heard every pithy, despair-inducing aphorism ever used to survivors of suicide. My therapist was helped me survive all those “helpful” friends and family with compassion, empathy, and patience.
19
@Lisa Elliott
Yes, patience is key. I lost someone just a couple of weeks ago and I have to keep reminding myself that my friends have pure intentions of love and support, even if their expressions aren't exactly perfect.
48
@L
You are quite right, Lisa. Not everyone has great verbal skills in expressing concern, sorrow and compassion. Insisting that others say exactly what we want or taking umbrage at other's clumsiness, may miss a larger connection.
5
Be there for them. Be silent. Let them talk. You do NOT know how they are feeling.
42
As a hospital chaplain who has accompanied grieving families of suicide victims, and as a survivor of my own attempted suicide in my 20s, I offer few words except these: sometimes despair can be a fatal illness. And no matter the manner of death, we never “know what you’re going through.” Every loss by suicide or any other tragedy is unique. Establishing a connection can help: “maybe you didn’t know... but my father died by suicide...” then “tell me about your loss... tell me how you’re doing... what has it been like for you?” Or not. Sitting in respectful silence, knowing there are no words, but being present to the suffering and bearing silent witness to the pain and loss can be the greatest blessing.
70
@Mary F
Oh yes! Despair can be a fatal illness. When a friend and neighbor killed herself 15 years ago, the neurologist who had been helping treat her said that sometimes, like cancer, diseases of the mind can be managed for a while but not cured. That gave all of her friends some peace as we had been trying to figure out how we had failed to support her.
7
The frustrating thing about these "what to say, what not to say" advice articles is that they don't acknowledge the actual good intentions of people who say, "I know how you feel." Of course that statement may not be strictly true, but it really isn't any different from the frequently suggested "You're not alone": It's simply an attempt to commiserate. When I suffered terrible losses, I never faulted anyone for saying that to me, even if their loss was different. I understood that it was their intention to help me feel better and to show me that it is possible to go on living with grief, even if I couldn't quite believe that yet. I suppose that some grieving people may be so awash in anger and confusion that they are quick to be offended, but my own inclination is to give people the benefit of the doubt and be grateful that they are trying to reach out to me.
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@janeqpublicnyc
Exactly! When we are suffering, sometimes we can end up being kind of hard on people who are only trying to help us.
8
@janeqpublicnyc No doubt that most people’s intentions are good when they tell someone who has suffered a tragic loss that they know how they feel but that’s assuming a lot and may not be very consoling to someone who is grief stricken.
3
My brother took his own life five years ago.
I've known two other suicides since then.
Here's what I say:
"I am absolutely heartbroken for your loss."
Because I am.
Then bring dinner.
136
My spouse exited by his own hand a year ago. This article is spot on. I had to make and take many phone calls where it seemed the loss wasn't mine, but only theirs. One thing I'd also add is to lay off the suggestions unless asked. The last thing I wanted then or now was to join a support group of strangers and that was still the first thing out of the mouth of the family member of a friend who recently found out. Shhhh….just listen.
50
I met my wife a year after her dad killed himself (she was 17 when he did it). You would never have known, we were very good friends before she told me, and even then it didn't seem to have any affect on her, not really. She was in therapy (before and after), and her parents had been split for a long time when he did it. But the thing is, now, almost 40 years later, it's coming back, and she has to learn how to live with all sorts of things that she has been dealing with quite well. She's a very very successful person. So I guess the take away is that its very possible it will never really go away, it just cycles.
63
I have always said/thought that the pain of loss doesn’t go away, time just helps develop the ability to deal with it better.
But I agree with your statement, it doesn’t go away, but it cycles. There is an ebb and flow with loss, sometimes it returns with unexpected strength because of an unanticipated reminder.
4
I have been there, (younger brother) and do know how one feels. Reaching out and joining a survivor support group is helpful. the sessions are difficult but helpful. Sadly those groups are often hard to find. As groucho marx was reported to say- "I never would want to join any club that would have me as a member." and this is that club. I started my survivor journey with Carla Fine's "No Time to Say Goodbye." The book provided a connection to someone in that awful club, and has a list of resources by state- those 'AA' type meetings for survivors. Again, they are slim pickings but they're out there.
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My 44 year old, amazing son had Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. His wife was divorcing him after 18 years of marriage. He was not living in his home with his four children. He could not get out of bed, was in constant pain, paralyzed and on his way to being a quad. He live with us, his aged parents.
I promised him that, when the time came, I would no stop him from dying.
I kept that promise, and allowed him to choose voluntary withdrawal of food and water. He died just before his 45 birthday, with me in bed with him.
I know that I honored him by allowing him to make his own choice. My heart breaks, but my soul knows I did the right thing.
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@Grieving Mom I am so sorry for your loss and am glad you were able to be with your son until the end.
There are different types of suicide. This article doesn't touch on them but it might have been interesting to see if the approach by family/ friends should be different. I've seen suicide as a friend and also as a professional.
In the former case, it was totally unexpected, perhaps tied to mental illness. I'm not sure my friend was really ready to go and it seemed impulsive, not like her usual careful nature. She clearly enjoyed aspects of her life and had plans. Mental illness by its very nature distorts people's views of their lives and makes them make decisions that in more lucid moments, they might not have. Her suicide left us not only sad but confused and wondering if there was anything else we could have done.
In the latter cases, I have had elderly patients with terminal/ chronic illnesses speak to me about suicide as a rational way out. Many have led fulfilling lives and are not depressed. I've visited with families where I felt the suicide was planned out. There was a feeling of loss that the person was no longer here but family and friends were also at peace with their loved one's decisions. I've heard of other people that actually plan special get-togethers with family/ friends beforehand. Now that physician-aid-in-dying is legal in some states, we may also hear more about these latter type of suicides.
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@Grieving Mom
I am so sorry, thank you for sharing this story of your son and that amazing act of love.
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@ms yes, I see them as completely different. Suicide is a result, in 90% of the cases, of mental illness. Assisted suicide, in my opinion, is very different. I would think that outsiders would react very differently with assisted suicide. It is something we can grasp. We can not grasp suicide.
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I have been there. And I try to reach out to those who feel this gut wrenching pain. Talking about it is so important. Telling the truth about it is even more so.
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Good advice, not only for supporting those who have lost a loved one to suicide, but also for supporting those who have suffered other profound losses.
All good strategies, with the possible exception of telling someone who is grieving that you feel their pain. No one can really feel another's pain and certain kinds of pain are so devastating that until you experience them directly, you cannot imagine even in your darkest moments such pain. To be told that someone else feels your pain can feel so isolating because it is so blatantly false-- the statement can leave you certain that you are completely alone in your suffering. Better to say, I love you and am here to support you in your pain and I will be here for as long as you need me.
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While this isn't about suicide, a close friend of mine was mourning the loss of his father. His Dad was his hero, really. After a few days I reached out to him and told him I don't know what to say, I have no words, I can't even imagine. My father was a monster, my friend knew this. So what I said really resonated with him. A few days later he told me that he loved me, that I was his brother and among his best of friends. He expressed his frustration with the well intention-ed things people were saying to him. This article reminds me of the day my really good friend became family.
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