Why should it be women’s responsibility to ‘civilize’ the workplace? Do graduate schools offer that course to female students only? After working incredibly hard to prove herself and attain a higher position in an organization, a woman shouldn’t have to spend her time reminding the boys to play nice. She’s not there to mother. Everyone should arrive at the workplace prepared to conduct himself or herself as a mature, civilized adult.
152
“With other women employees, they began to create oases in Microsoft where courtesy was not seen as a sign of weakness. A critical mass of women employees helped civilize the company.”
Thank you Melinda Gates.
As women we have to ask ourselves, why didn’t we do this? Why didn’t we come together to support one another before now? To empower ourselves and one another?
These are the questions many in the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements haven’t asked themselves, choosing instead to “take men out.”
As an advocate of women’s empowerment for 20 years – coach, mentor, intensive course facilitator, elected official – I have sat in many quiet rooms listening to brave women describe experiences of life-changing pain and suffering.
As a woman who has experienced sexual molestation, emotional abuse, and gender and sexual harassment I can promise you…no woman is ever healed until she chooses to heal and empower herself.
Women’s empowerment will never be wrought from the victimization of men. Further, why would we do to men what some men did to us?
So long as we continue to operate from within the Victim-Perpetrator paradigm, we will never bring about constructive, lasting change. Like Bill and Melinda, our equality and empowerment will come from powerful, positive, productive partnerships…with men.
24
What the romantic story of Bill and Melinda shows is that the rules about relationships in the workplace apply, except when they don't. It is inappropriate for someone to get involved with a co-worker they directly or indirectly supervise, because of the power relationship. Unless everybody is happy. Then it's OK.
18
"... except when they don't."
Exactly. You have summarized the double-standards and hypocrisy of the new left.
And Kristof missed an opportunity to discuss how sexual harassment policies have evolved, or not, at Microsoft.
Instead, Kristof unquestioningly accepts this "theory":
"A critical mass of women employees helped civilize the company."
8
I second what Nick Kristof says about Bill and Melinda Gates' good works, but I am not convinced that Bill the techie hasn't done more for humanity than Bill the philanthropist.
If I am right (and I am) then it follows that the harsh, male-dominated techie culture that Melinda encountered at Microsoft may be the solution, not the problem.
If brash, argumentative and competitive, with people fighting to the end on every point has so immeasurably enriched our lives (and has funded Bill and Melinda's philanthropy), then doesn't Kristof see that we need more of it?
Some people (women of both sexes?) will share Melinda's reaction to such an atmosphere, but hey it's a free market. It is our responsibility as grown-ups to seek out careers and workplaces that match our skills and preferences and tastes. It takes a colossal arrogance to demand that workplaces be changed so that we don't have to change.
Freedom of choice means that people will sort themselves into occupations, and since men and women are (statistically) different, the sexes won't be equally represented in every occupation. If feminists succeed in forcing every workplace to "look like America," then there will be a lot of mismatched and unhappy workers of both sexes, and a much less dynamic economy.
So don't be surprised to learn that it is the countries where women have the greatest freedom to choose their careers that have the smaller proportions of women in STEM occupations.
12
If all billionaires were like Bill Gates, I won't hate billionaires.
31
Kristof oversimplifies by saying “we lack moral authority to protest abroad when we shrug at inequities at home.” Taken literally, that would mean we should turn our backs on evildoing abroad. Moreover, not all inequities are equally bad, and degree of badness is arguably in the eye of the beholder.
6
@Michael N. Alexander bruh, I hate to break it to you, but the US military is committing GENOCIDE NOW in YEMEN. Also, a story just broke where Drones and US bombs from the skies over Raqqa killed 1600 civilians. So, easy simplifying the notion that foreign actors are the worst actors abroad. Millions of people throughout the Middle East would have had better lives had the US never invaded Iraq in 2003.
29
Would a columnist write the following lede: "Bill Gates has always had an independent streak." The stereotyping is so subtle. A man is expected to be independent. An independent woman is worth noting in the first sentence.
129
She notes that the U.S. is a rare country that does not mandate some paid parental leave.
This for smaller families than ours? My mom and dad raised five of us with three of us only eleven months apart. There are countries that won't let women drive, force labia mutilation, slavery, marriage, and all kinds of atrocities on women. Many in their own families. One in particular where Jewish Fundamentalists won't even allow women to sit next to or pray with a male. But we love 'em and support them no matter what they do as a nation. And we have a VP here who won't associate with any other woman except his wife. Count your blessings y'all.
6
@Rodrian Roadeye
Looking at a worse situation ignores the issue under discussion. We can acknowledge the horrible injustices against women in other countries while promoting equality in this country.
26
@MJ When you promote equality here you also cause an influx of others to migrate thereby raising the cost of equality to all even higher which causes it's own problems. We are not responsible nor can we take in all the world's oppressed nor clean up the world's ills by being it's Policeman. We cannot do it all. So we must take that into consideration as we clean up our own backyard.
3
I look forward to the day when women who want to be considered individuals in their own right stop taking on men's names.
22
@Adele it is also women choosing to take the men's names. I am married and divorced and remarried and have never expected a woman to take my name, yet they have. Something about not liking their family names.
11
Hello Family:
The 'Moment of Lift' is now the new theme to my life right now, brilliant!
Why? Can be interpreted & applied in so many different directions to focus on that moment when true success becomes reality.
Personally I can't wait!, Thank you Melinda JB where you at!
1
"... Gates flirted with her [French] in the parking lot ..."
Kristof left out an important detail -- Gates and then-French had met *before* at a company dinner, so Gates wasn't really stalking French the way that Kristof makes it sound.
The bigger problem is that, in her book, Ms. Gates doesn't seem to have seen any of that as sexual harassment, because she "sensed that he was interested" at that first meeting.
Ms. Gates should have admitted that it was SHE who was "interested" in the *alpha male* at Microsoft.
6
Well, after reading many of these posts, I guess the Far Right doesn't have a monopoly on bitterness and cynicism. Also, many of you need to review your HR policy manuals for a refresh on what is and isn't sexual harassment.
20
"She notes that the U.S. is a rare country that does not mandate some paid parental leave." This country is in the throes of unfettered capitalism. It's all about the money. And nothing else. 'Unpaid leave' doesn't figure into this 'show me the money' equation. It isn't profitable. Therefore; it does not exist.
38
“We’re sending our daughters into a workplace that was designed for our dads — set up on the assumption that employees had partners who would stay home to do the unpaid work of caring for family”
This is critical. Housework and caregiving (for children, disabled family members and elderly parents) is time-consuming, and someone's gotta do it.
Sending women into the workforce created a vacuum of need on the home front, partially filled by the huge consumption of throwaway plastic packaged food, but still shortchanging the number of hours needed to tend to family relationships, and deal with healthcare and school-related interruptions.
Families are WAY too stressed, and everyone is suffering, especially children.
34
You might think that in the entire history of office politics, Melinda Gates could be the biggest single winner: after all, she married The Richest Man in the World. But self-awareness is not a priority these days.
2
@Brandon Scott Do you not think Melinda French could have created a completely different but equally amazing life without Bill Gates? Maybe he was the biggest single winner.
71
I really appreciate this inside view of an amazing couple! Amazing family, really. I live in Washington and work in the judicial branch where Bill's father has been very active, serving on committees and commissions to improve the justice system. He spoke at our daughter's graduation from the Univ. of Washington and he was incredible. He also lead an unsuccessful effort to establish an income tax in Washington in order to make our tax system fairer (this obviously would have cost his family a lot of money).
This is very much a family that believes in public service, and in Family. Melinda has been a big part of that. It's a breath of fresh air to see wealthy leaders such as this who care about the world and in helping it become a better place.
54
I enjoyed the article and the comments until I realized that I hate Microsoft for making me rebuy and rebuy new versions to do the same old things. I do greatly admire their foundation's work.
17
It's interesting that the Gateses' daughter attends a school an hour away from home. No doubt there's a public school nearer to home, but they choose to send her to a fancy private school. Wouldn't it be fantastic if they, like other rich people, sent their kids to a local public school and used some of their money to make the school better through enrichment programs, upgrades to the physical campus, laptops for low-income kids, etc.?
18
@Glen Ridge Girl they send plenty of money through their taxes and I am sure the public school in their town spends 25k per year per pupil or more. My daughter' Catholic high school played teams in Fairfield city Conn(Darien, New Canaan,etc) that had high schools that looked like colleges and had facilities that blew our school away. It is a myth that private high schools have better facilities than public or even spend more as schools in Conn have per pupil costs 25k or more(plus pensions) that are far more than my tuition. Maybe you are suggesting that they spend money on inner city schools but the Gates foundation does that anyway.
13
Melinda Gates is to Microsoft as Yoko Ono is to the Beatles.
2
@alocksley In that she is a woman being blamed for things she didn't do because people are sexist or...? What evidence do you have here, exactly? And what relevance does this even have to this article?
39
@alocksley I'm confused by this comparison. I think the claims against Yoko Ono were that she interfered with his music and his relationships with the other band members and ultimately caused the band to break up (most of which has proven not untrue). In what way does this compare to that?
18
My daughter will start a PhD in engineering at MIT this fall. Recently, when talking to a well educated area professional, I mentioned this new challenge my daughter was taking on. HER reaction? “Isn’t that a man’s field?”.
-We women hold our daughters back.
43
“Isn’t that a man’s field?”
You didn't finish the story. What did you say in reply?
5
Yikes! Where have you been the last 100 years??
Clearly you don’t get out enough.
13
I'm happy for them and the good things being done in their name. Simple.
14
A couple of important dates were left out of this Opinion. The Bill and Melinda Foundation was formed in 2000. It wasn't until 2013 that Melinda asked to co-write the foundation's letter with Bill. It was 13 years after the founding of their foundation that Melinda either wanted to co-write its letter or finally had the nerve to ask Bill's permission? It took two more years before she was finally allowed to co-write that letter with Bill. Altogether, 15 years passed before Melinda fully participated in writing the letter for their foundation. This doesn't seem like a victory but more like a reflection on Bill and Melinda.
21
@F. McB
Good catch on the dates. Philanthropy for Gates became an imperative PR move once the DOJ sued MS for anti trust violations.
12
Bill and Melinda Gates have shown how Philanthropic capital can catalyze impact across the globe. I have utmost respect for their foundation. I wish many more Silicon Valley companies followed suit.
23
I do not much care about Bill or Melinda Gates one way or another. I am glad that they spend some of their money on philanthropy, but I do not need their advice on revamping the educational system in this country, for example. Leave that the the professionals in the field.
10
@Robert J. Bailey yup the pro's have our schools humming along....
18
I'm disgusted by this country's fascination with the ultra wealthy.
I also loathe the notion of praising the largess of the wealthy, as though their wealth buys them a ticket to decide which charities are worth it--a role that should be played by the representative government of society as a whole.
19
@Jim Anderson
Geesh!
At least we have 2 people who WANT and DO give to charities and not just themselves.
24
@Jim Anderson
Seeing what the government does with our money makes me glad that the Gates Foundation exists. They make far better decisions that are better organized and evaluated.
18
The good their philanthropy has done is enormous.
But it's worth pointing out that Gates was seen as one of the most ruthless businessmen of his generation before being sainted for philanthropy. Do the ends justify the means?
Finally, if Bill asked out a subordinate at work today, he could easily be jeopardizing his career. Confusing times!
12
"... if Bill asked out a subordinate at work today, he could easily be jeopardizing his career."
Perhaps, but Gates was the CEO, a fact that Kristof fails to note, so who would fire Gates?
5
Intriguing how any rejection of the god delusion is considered a "toxic response." In other words, either quietly and obediently go along with the god plan or shut up.
I stridently disagree, Mr. Kristof. If you're going to publish opinions in the New York Times that ardently support the god myth, then I think it's incumbent upon you and the New York Times to be prepared to hear (and perhaps even contemplate) the very compelling other side of the coin.
It seems, like most religionists, as if being exposed to reality and facts is threatening and you feel a compelling need to summarily reject the opposing argument.
I readily admit it will take a few more generations before mainstream society and, in your case, mainstream press will be more receptive to reason and freethinking. I hope it comes before religion separates our people and nations even further and causes significantly more death, destruction, and unhappiness in the world.
Religion (and belief in god) are, in balance, not good for the relative health and safety of the planet. Both sow discord and almost virtually always emphasize our differences as they push people further apart, INSTEAD of bringing us together to help one another solve the world's ills.
Just taking the three monotheistic religions into account, the untold pain and suffering caused to millions of innocents is reason enough to at least be skeptical.
Please date to take a minute and try to wrap your head around that concept.
Thank you.
8
In reply to several comments here, respectfully asking a woman out on a date (even if you are her supervisor) is not sexual harassment. It's asking for consent. And consent is not sexual harassment. Sexual harassment is not hearing a person's boundaries and not respecting their "no." Melinda didn't say, "no." In fact, she gave him information on how to get a successful answer, she told him to "ask her closer to the time." Which he then did (as she instructed) and then she said "yes." This is an example of a man being respectful of a woman and listening to her boundaries and respecting them. It's interesting to me that people are trying to gaslight the #MeToo movement as unreasonable by implying that Bill would be "shamed" or "fired" today for his actions. It really exposes how many people still do not understand the concept of consent and respecting boundaries.
149
@Amy Luna Thank you thank you for this!
20
@Amy Luna
I wish that you were correct but I have to disagree.
Under current mores. the CEO is the boss, and, for that reason alone, may not ask subordinates on dates because employees are not in the position to freely consent.
So, like it or not, by contemporary standards, Gates did indeed sexually harass his future wife.
16
@Amy Luna it's not harassment to politely ask a woman out. But it is unfair to other employees if the supervisor is involved in a personal, romantic relationship with one of their co-workers. It's not possible that she will be treated and reviewed fairly. That's a separate issue from #metoo.
22
I'm tired of getting wise sage advice from tacky billionaires
17
@Mixilplix Those "tacky billionaires" have given away 28 billion dollars to charity and worked tirelessly to make peoples lives better. What charitable acts have you done that justifies criticizing them?
14
@Mixilplix
Just avoid the advice from the tacky billionaires in and around the White House and you will be OK
11
The militancy of feminism or feminist ideology does not belong in families rich or poor. The alternative is to denature family life and diminish the power of the family within society as a central pillar of culture and values.
6
@Michael B. Del Camp
Men who feel threatened by women's brains and independence always lash out.
43
I have an honest question: why is feminism considered “militant,” but masculinity or manliness (or whatever we might call the opposite of feminism) is not? Calling the request by women to be treated with equality and respect in marriage “militant feminism” infers that women are combative merely by asking to their spouses to treat them well. If insisting that my spouse treat me as an equal partner in my marriage makes me militant, than I am grateful that my husband and I are at least fighting on the same side.
621
Oops — I meant implies rather than infers. The dangers of posting after midnight...
10
Do not think they are giving away their money, much is tax deductible. They are giving away the money of the American taxpayer.
13
@Paulie - What an incredibly cynical response to their generosity and their efforts to improve the lives of millions and millions of people around the world! Even though their financial contributions are (generally) tax deductible, the majority of it comes directly out of their pockets. And you don't know if that helps them donate even more, maybe up to twice as much!
Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth...
12
@Maryalice StClair
The answer to the question is how much would they contribute if it were not tax deductible?
5
@wnhoke - Clearly no less than half as much, which would still be a HUGE amount of money to try to cure the world's ills. The Gates family and Warren Buffet ought to be thanked by everyone every day. Of course, if you want to donate more than them, be our guest!
7
Since when do Techies and Nerds have intimate relationships with other Human Beings? I would have thought that these two met on a Conference Call.
1
So let me play the devil's advocate here.
She was an employee at Microsoft, the company he ran, when they met. That means he was in her chain of command, even if he wasn't her direct supervisor.
Isn't the 'power imbalance' in this situation troubling?
Wouldn't this have been sexual harassment, when he called her up just a few hours later after being told 'No'?
What if the relationship had gone sour after that first date?
The story has a happy ending. But in another light.....
8
@Godzilla De Tukwila No, it would not have been sexual harassment. Because he asked. And she did not say "no." She said "ask me closer to the time." Which he did.
It's becoming a common occurrence to twist the facts of situations in order to make the standard of "consent" look unreasonable. It's not.
21
Bill Gates has a woman to thank for his success.
As a board member of United Way, Mary Gates, met the CEO of IBM, who was eventually introduced to Bill Gates. This encounter eventually led to Microsoft and IBM striking the software deal. Mary Gates was a well respected and influential woman who eventually helped to launch Microsoft.
15
@Just paying attention
And Bill Gates' father, William Gates Sr. , who was a principal in one of Seattle's leading law firms, Bogle & Gates, brokered the deal and wrote the contract that bought DOS (Disk Operating System) from the programmer who wrote it. So Bill got DOS for a mere $50,000, licensed it to IBM and made a fortune, while the programmer who wrote DOS was lost to history and did not become a billionaire.
8
Great column! Wondering if asking Melinda and Bill Gates to weigh in on the issue of illegal immigrants might be productive. If they channeled some of their charitable work to Ecuador, Mexico and Columbia to improve the economies of those major sources of immigration, the problems afflicting the poor motivating them to flee might be well on the way to a solution.
11
Kristof likes it cute.
But what does it add up to?
So much male chauvinism in high tech.
7
Thanks for this portrait of a baby-boomer marriage--a vignette in the larger struggles of women my age for equality.
5
Great column about two very decent people.
I think Nick got to their "humanness" without getting too sentimental.
Their determined effort to chip away at problems, whether global or personal, is the mark of good scientists and engineers.
I had a career teaching in a college and I often heard that science and technical students were not well-rounded enough.
I see this completely the opposite and the Gates family is a nice example: if we want ALL young people to have better problem-solving skills for our future world, they need more science and engineering training.
9
@Nial McCabe
I love this word "humanness". I suppose it denotes something less than humanity, and surely we need a word to denote something less than humanity in this article.
Bill has gotten way better than before thanks to Melinda's active engagement. We will all get better when we accept the what our significant half labored to give us.
13
Sad but, nowadays, Bill Gates would risk much more than mere rejection by asking out Melinda on a date.
10
@Kyle
That's exactly what I thought when I read that line.....
Susan
Expat in Ireland
1
For Pete's sake, in saying "no" she said his invitation wasn't spontaneous enough for her, which is basically an invitation from her for Bill to make a more spontaneous invitation, which is exactly what he followed up with. No, this would not be considered wrong today. You have chosen a bad example for the point you are trying to make.
16
I'm glad to hear that the Gateses have been steadfast in advocating for changes in the tax laws (I remember his father's comment about feeling like he was punched in the gut upon hearing from a friend/lawmaker about the plan to abolish the estate tax in W.'s day). Surely though, one of the richest businessmen in the world knows a failed marketing campaign when he sees one - because here we are, with a President who has likely paid ZERO taxes for many years, whose first order of business was passing an even more radical version of the Bush tax cuts, and getting away with refusing to release his tax returns. How is that?
The example of Bill Gates changing norms by "volunteering" to take his daughter to school two days a week does exactly nothing to advance the argument that we cannot and should not have to rely on the personal generosity or personal example of wealthy donors to ensure that we have clean water and air, protection for workers and the environment, modern infrastructure, education and healthcare any more than we rely on that for our national defense. A benevolent dictatorship is still a dictatorship, and a benevolent plutocracy is not a substitute for democracy.
Right now, many of America's wealthiest aren't ashamed to respond to calls for them to pay their fair share in taxes with the puerile response - "if you feel like paying more, go ahead". Surely some of America's most talented businessmen can come up with an effective marketing campaign to counter that.
7
@DebbieR Surely you are not condemning Bill Gates for seeing that he could be helpful in child transportation. It may well be that it hadn't occurred to either of them that they could be more egalitarian in these things till it finally occurred to them. Most of us middle-aged or older had to discover a lot for ourselves -- we didn't know about our privilege or lack thereof till we did!
I remember friends commenting on how willing my husband was to "babysit" our kids. This was in 1967. As soon as I heard the comment, I knew to reply that "no, he wasn't babysitting (anymore than I was when I took care of them). He was parenting." But we had to experience all of this to know about it.
Melinda and Bill Gates discovered as they went along how to do this. That sounds pretty healthy and hopeful to me.
5
@Barbara CG
Bill Gates is my age. He was in my class at Harvard, except that I graduated. I expected my husband to help with child care, not to "volunteer" to do so, but to be an active, equal co-parent. If I was the co-founder of a foundation I would have demanded to co-write the letter, set policy, make decisions. Do mothers "volunteer" to get children to school, change diapers, get a Halloween costume?
Melinda Gates is younger than Bill and I are, and campus feminism changed quite quickly back then; my 1977 graduating class was past the peak. But inroads weren't made in the workplace and larger culture much by then, least of all in the tech fields.
2
@Madrid Are you saying that if it takes a person longer than you to learn something, they have failed? Most of us are born imperfect and we die imperfect. I am always pleased to meet and know people who grow and keep learning.
We need to be able to encourage people to keep learning and changing rather than finding fault with and shaming them for not being perfect to begin with. Otherwise we don't stand a chance of fixing the mess we are in. I'm not sure we have too much of a chance anyway, but I am impressed with those who give of themselves and have the courage to learn and be different.
5
Its interesting. The more one learns about history and philosophy, one begins to realize that one of the major purposes of society was to control women in order to create a peaceful and stable environment.
Be mindful of the doors you close when you open new ones. We reall do not to back to having 17 females repoduce for every one male.
2
@Emily
The Republic (Πολιτεία) written by Plato around 380 BCE posited an equal role for women in the new city (Καλλίπολις).
2
The Gates Foundation is superior to all others. Its seeks to make meaningful changes in the human condition by making intelligent and pragmatic choices for its philanthropy.
Their support for development of a toilet to improve sanitation in third world settings is a simple example.
8
@Bongo
And you believe that?
2
I hope that Bill and Melinda stay together. It's nice to believe that two people, with money beyond the wildest dreams of fantasy, can choose to stay together, and try to make the world better, without becoming corrupted and/or smug. I very much resent those wise cynics who have to beat up on rich people just because they are rich. There are enough nasty, selfish rich people to beat up on. Sour grapes are plentiful, aren't they?
17
In 1987 women sought shelter from widespread job discrimination, and 37% of computer science grads found it in the meritocracy of programming. Now, given wider job choices, women choose more “people jobs,” instead of “things jobs.” It’s amazing that the media present this as a manifestation of computer job harassment, rather than overall improvement.
Oh well, the victim narrative must be served.
3
@Charlierf This idea of things/people as some kind of gender binary is not really supported by behavioral scientists. It's amazing that you present this as a manifestation of equality rather than an indication of societal pressures in how people develop their interests.
11
It is not birth control that Melinda Gates promotes around the world that upsets some people. She is entitled to spend her wealth any way she sees fit. It is that she associates herself with organizations that promote abortion which many find immoral and inhumane. She could contribute to the many worthwhile and worldwide organization that do not involve themselves with providing abortions but quality healthcare for women. They could desperately use the money.
3
@KMW Organizations that perform abortions are no more promoting abortion than they are promoting pregnancy. They are offering the range of services needed by women. It is not for us to judge what choices other people make.
28
Sarah,
As a pro life woman. I am not judging anyone that has an abortion as I have no right. I and many others feel abortion is the taking of innocent human life. It is a barbaric practice and we feel it is wrong.
2
Highest regards for the Gates foundation. Though I wonder in the current climate if Bill would be shamed and fired from Microsoft if he approached Melinda in the parking lot today?
64
@DS I'm not sure why the concept of "consent" seems to be so hard for so many people to grasp. No, Bill would not be fired today for asking a female coworker on a date. It is not harassment to ask for consent. And Melinda gave her consent, she said "ask me closer to the time." Which he then did, in the parking lot. Asking for an obtaining consent is the exact opposite of harassment. Bill would be fired for making sexual remarks or touching her sexually without her consent. These types of comments are really a way of gaslighting the "current climate" as being unreasonable. The concept of consent is, and always was, reasonable.
115
@Amy Luna
The 'concept' of consent is easy to grasp - a senior manager can never ask out a woman in his chain of command.
Consent can not be given because of the nature of the relationship.
25
@Amy Luna - It's not just about "consent". He was her boss. Another woman could feel uncomfortable and leave her wondering if turning him down would be a bad career move. Regardless of intentions, or the ability to take 'no' for an answer, such an overture could easily be taken as harassment.
It would be naive not to see that a similar advance played out in our time by a superior of the opposite sex as fraught with risk that it would not have had back in the day. Personally, as a guy in this situation, I wouldn't go anywhere near it.
30
“Bill volunteered” to drive his kids to school?? Melinda “made” Bill drive (from a comment)?? That’s like saying Bill babysat his own kids.
There should be no question of “volunteering” or “making” a spouse do some chore. There can be a division of labor (you cook, I’ll wash up), but equality should be the default, not some distant goal.
9
I've never been sure that "saving lives" through vaccinations is the humane thing to do when these areas have famine and trouble supporting the survivors. Do they save lives or delay death?
5
@Andy
Well Andy, delaying death is pretty much the best we can do.
10
@Andy Do you prefer they die before they are 2 years old, without any chance of survival?
8
@Andy
A very cogent observation Andy - The Economist Magazine persuasively argues that free markets and wide-open capitalism do more to lift folks from poverty than any liberal 'grant' program.
But most donors (personal and countries) never trust the actual citizens on the ground will make the 'best' choices.
6
Nick,
One problem with this extremely well written column that uses powerful data to show the results of gender equality in an advanced society like the United States.
But failure of this column is its failure to see the dramatic contribution that women make to the future of our species in their remarkable capability to grow (not a good choice of words) another human in their womb. You are clearly a male and cannot grasp what this Mother experienced in working while pregnant and the importance of her bonding experience with her infant after birth. I think we are making a little progress in maternity leave but the progress is not universal.
I have only been a father of two sons but I can promise you that just listening to the heartbeat and feeling the movement of this umbilical nourished little human in my wife was a seriously emotional experience -- so a male can only imagine the huge emotional tide that sweeps through every living cell of a woman as a baby develops in her womb and the huge changes that occur during childbirth.
It is clearly special and this capability must be honored by society. Women must be nourished, cherished, and listened to because they inherently know the emotional secrets of our species. Watching females offer their superior understanding of other mammals, and living things including husbanding pollinators and food and water supply, it makes sense to solicit their views and guidance on economic, environmental, political and social policy.
20
That's terrific--we really need to hear more from the world's richest people about their life, loves, and general musings. Nothing on wage justice or workplace democracy. It's pure self-promotion for the Steven Pinker-style top-down understanding of change.
12
@Killoran Just because you're rich, does not mean you're wrong. We need to quit pillorying success if for only our children's sake. Yes, the Gates are rich beyond belief; they have also set an excellent example of the good that can be done with wealth.
35
@Anita I am not saying that the Gates are incorrect, I am just saying that I do not need to hear them constantly expounding on issues as if they are experts in fields where others have more experience.
4
Let us not forget that Bill Gates entered large scale philanthropy in order to whitewash his monopolistic practices, and he donated the vast majority of the funds for his foundation during that period, funds he acquired only with the aid of that monopoly, as well as the radically unequal structure of corporate stock ownership and taxation.
16
It is great to see a brilliant, motivated woman who is able to make some inroads on sex equality with her elite, white, male husband. I have to point out that individual brilliant, motivated women have managed to negotiate bargains with their elite male husbands throughout history. This has yet to trickle down into any meaningful equality between the sexes. I hope that the former Ms. French and present Ms. Gates will have more success with this than her predecessors. Unfortunately, it isn't just individual men we have to try and bargain with. We need to be able to reach most men and they have to be willing to give up millennia of absolute power over women's lives. We have to be able to negotiate with the large mass of women who support male elitism as well. What are the odds this will happen?
13
Let's not also forget The Giving Pledge, the program established by Bill and Melinda Gates and Warren Buffett to convince billionaires to donate at least half of their estate to charity. It currently has 190 signatories from 22 countries with pledges totaling over $365 billion. What an inspiration to all of us to use what money we have to help the world at large.
34
@Paul in NJ,
Maybe... It will be interesting to see what actually happens with these "foundations". I think this much injected into the top standard charities would definitely do a heck of a lot.
2
@Paul in NJ We need more like them, but unfortunately they are in the minority while the majority of greedy, corrupt and self-serving billionaires aspire to the model of our Grifter in Chie.
5
I cringed when I read the second sentence: “When she was still Melinda French ... “ as if she is not "still" the same person she was before she changed her name. She is right, in the realm of equality, this country does have a long way to go. The sexism here may not be as blatant as in other places, but the subtle and frequent slights women experience on a daily basis are often overlooked, dismissed or denied. In the presidential race, for instance, the media give far more attention and publicity to Beto, Bernie, Pete and Joe than the women candidates. I know about the men's spouses and families, but I've yet to see human interest stories about Elizabeth, Kamala, Kirsten, and Amy. I admire Melinda Gates for maintaining her individuality and independence. It can be exhausting to stand up to successful, privileged white men. Unfortunately, I can imagine a future news article that refers to her as “the former Melinda French.”
6
@MJ
I think you're really reaching to find something wrong. The phrase: "When she was still Melinda French" is just another way of saying before she was married. Nothing terrible about it.
12
@Ralphie
If you are a man, you've had totally different experiences than women, especially ones who grew up in the 1950s. Men--and sometimes women--often told feminists that we were "too sensitive," when we complained about the many slights and injustices we experienced. If you haven't seen the movie, "On the Basis of Sex," I recommend it if you are too young to remember the blatant sexism women experienced in the '50s, 60s and 70s. It seems to me that saying, When she was still called Marilyn French" or "When she still went by the name Marilyn French" sounds more accurate to me.
4
For our society to heal, we must get beyond this attitude that Kristof reflects in his sentence:
"Much of the United States workplace remains tilted against women, especially moms."
Men and women both do bad things to each other sometimes, but at some point, people have to take responsibility for their own choices. If women are underrepresented in some group, we should not assume (falsely, most often) that the women are being discriminated against by the men. Maybe it's the women themselves making choices about what they want to do.
For my own daughters, I want and encourage them to have every opportunity for them to do what is right for them.
At some point we have to realize that sexual dimorphism is real, it always has been and always will be, and we would not be here without it. Women have the power to do the greatest thing an individual can do: create another human being. Men can't do that. Everything else in life is heavily influenced by that power imbalance, including a hiring manager's concern that a woman she is considering for a job might leave the company or use company benefits to have a child, a potential problem for the company that is much less likely with a man candidate.
It would be more accurate and less inflammatory for Kristof to write instead:
"Many workplaces in the US have fewer women than men."
3
@Astrochimp
in fact both men and women create children, women just have the burden of hosting them for 9 months.
6
@Astrochimp
You have no evidence that these assertions are false -- it may be that explicit sexism isn't as common these days, but there is lots and lots of evidence that yes, in fact, women (and minorities, among others) get implicitly devalued all the time in the workplace. And, furthermore, it goes against everything we know from sociology to act as if women are making these choices in a vacuum. Please, take responsibility for the fact that you don't choose to go into science after years of being talked down by your colleagues! Take responsibility for going into HR when society told you your whole life that that's women's skill set!
Meanwhile, sexual dimorphism is real. The evidence showing meaningful sexual dimorphism in cognition or preferences of genders is weak. Conveniently, much of the "evidence" that does exist finds exactly what you might expect if all that cognitive "dimorphism" were actually attributable to cultural learning. (Yes, including brain differences -- it's called plasticity.)
As for the "concern" that a woman might take time off -- companies should suck it up. They, as all of us, need to take on the costs and burdens of our species' propagation. Why? They benefit from it; it's necessary. Dimorphism itself doesn't force women to take on all the economic burdens of childbirth; that's a societal decision, one that other countries do not make.
10
We reached agreement some 37 years ago. Whoever landed their PhD acceptance and project got to go first. She did and I then took temporary jobs so she could get her degree (in the sciences). It worked. She was the first woman to ever get a PhD in that department at that university back in the day. Fast forward 30 years, I got to retire early from my science career and pursue my non profit volunteer work. Throughout our respective scientific careers, we mentored a significant number of men and women in their careers as well as their graduate programs. We swap editing manuscripts and publications. To this day, we still swap cooking dinner every other night as well as any number of mundane household chores. A shared marriage is worth every minute of time to make sure it is truly shared.
123
“With other women employees, they began to create oases in Microsoft where courtesy was not seen as a sign of weakness. A critical mass of women employees helped civilize the company.”
Thank you Melinda Gates.
As women we have to ask ourselves, why didn’t we do this? Why didn’t we come together to support one another before now? To empower ourselves and one another?
These are the questions many in the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements haven’t asked themselves, choosing instead to “take men out.”
As an advocate of women’s empowerment for 20 years – coach, mentor, intensive course facilitator, elected official – I have sat in many quiet rooms listening to brave women describe unimaginable suffering.
As a woman who has experienced sexual molestation, emotional abuse, and gender and sexual harassment I can promise you…no woman is ever healed until she chooses to heal and empower herself.
Women’s empowerment will never be wrought from the victimization of men. Further, why would we do to men what some men did to us?
So long as we continue to operate from within the Victim-Perpetrator paradigm, we will never bring about constructive, lasting change. Like Bill and Melinda, our equality and empowerment will come from powerful, positive, productive partnerships…with men.
6
Why on earth or in America would a woman need to see a billionaire do something before she assumes her husband should do it as well? Driving the kids to school? Seriously?
It is not radical feminism or even feminism at all to assume that your partner will share household and child duties. It is human decency.
When I give my son chores, he asks me whether this is a paying job or a job he has to do because he lives in the house. A husband and wife both live in a house, have children, they should share duties. No rocket science here.
That being said, I admire Melinda Gates for standing up for what is important for herself and women everywhere. Respect and equal responsibility and recognition for equal work. I also admire the men who recognize these things are important too.
12
When I first became aware of Bill Gates I thought he was a nerdy jerk with a lot of money and the social skills of a caveman. It sounds like I was right. But it also sounds like, with Melinda Gates's civilizing talents, he has become something of a caring, progressive(ish) dad - still with a lot money. Since we seem to like electing billionaires, how about Bill Gates for President. If Jeff Bezos (yeah, one of them would have to move out of Seattle) was VP, the two of them could just buy North Korea and end the problem that way.
9
What this short interview excerpt shows is that, even if they have billions, a couple is still two people and they have to put on their relationship pants one leg at a time like everybody else.
Also impressed that Melissa makes Bill drive the kids to school. Wild guess--Donald Trump never drove his kids to school.
18
@Jack Sonville
He might actually like driving the kids to school. Nobody thought of that one.
3
The subtitle of "The Moment of Lift" is "What It's Like to be Bill Gates's Wife." Let's face it, there would be no memoir and no interest in one--just as in the case of Michelle Obama--if Melinda French had not married Bill.
Both Melinda French's and Michelle Obama's feminism were enabled by marriages to singular men.
A small squabble over co-authorship of their charity's annual letter? Are you kidding me?
Bill should have established a separate charity that Melinda could run all on her own. He's being a bit cheap.
3
@JD: Gates was renowned all his life -- long before his marriage -- as a huge cheapskate.
He did not fly economy fare on airplanes out of a sense of being a "man of the people" but because he was a skinflint.
The boss approached sexually a subordinate at least twice?? If she had taken offence and it had been our current feminist fundamentalist era, there would have been demands that his career be destroyed for sexual harassment. The way the careers have been destroyed of so many other men who have been convicted of nothing.
7
@Jeff White I agree. Here is an example of a strong young woman who knew who she was and did not consider herself a victim. Young women need to learn this skill if they do not have it naturally.
2
And guys remember young Bill liberated us from having to wear a tie to work.
1
@Arnie Klaus
I thought that was Steve Jobs?
3
Ah, if only we had had the chance to reject him too. Billionaire whitewash going on here.
3
Stupid story alert.
So around 19 years ago, give or take, hubby and I were having brunch at a nice restaurant outside of Bellevue. I got up to get more eggs and came across a family with some little kids. Very cute little kids. So I smiled broadly, the mom smiled back, just as broadly and then the dad also smiled and we made eye contact.
That's when I realized the nerdy dad with the socks in his sandals (which I had noticed earlier when HE had gotten up for more grub) was Bill Gates.
Smile frozen in spot. Cheeks red for no good reason. Walked back to the table and said to my husband "so yeah, I just exchanged smiles with Bill and Melinda Gates. Having brunch. With their kids. And he is wearing socks and sandals."
I never forgot that. Just another young family having brunch on a Sunday, albeit, in a very nice place.
Have liked them ever since.
221
@Gwe
Thanks for the lovely story, Gwe!
Side note from a former Washingtonian: if you want to be stylin' in the Pacific NW you wear socks with your sandals -- especially with Birks.
Been that way since the 70s and no one will convince us otherwise :)
37
Whatever good or bad they've accomplished as a couple, none of it would have happened in today's world of "power imbalance". He would not be allowed to approach her at all.
5
@Jeff Oh for the love of god, stop. Conflating the idea of asking someone out with sexual harrassment is the go-to of overly sensitive men these days. Askingsomeone out is not harrassment unless you're a) pressuring her after she says no, or b) stalking her, or c) groping her, or d) using your position of power over her to get what you want. He asked, she said yes, end of story. That's the way it should be. Sadly it hasn't been, and because people like you are sad because you actually have to think about what the woman wants, we get this "I can't even ask someone on a date!" mentality. Consent really isn't that hard of a concept to understand, or practice.
17
Many good comments here, but also several examples of the false equivalence and hysteria of some progressive media. To complain that referring to Melinda by her maiden name is an example of inequality is silly. For Nicholas to claim that "we lack moral authority to protest abroad when we shrug at inequities here at home" when comparing who drives the kids to school to a teenager who was burned to death is astounding hyperbole. Our inequities do not come close to the horrors elsewhere in the world and we have full license to point out those horrors.
8
I am not particularly fond of those 'romance' stories that begin with rejection and unfold because the man 'persisted' in his pursuit of the woman. It comes across as toxic masculinity dressed up as a fairy tale.
3
It's very sad, and rather sick, that so many in our culture have come to accept views like John's as sane and reasonable.
14
@Douglas My husband and I work together, at home we share, when kids were little, we took turns to go to parents/teachers.
But when we elegantly go out, he opens the door car, helps with my chair. ANd I enjoy every minutes of it.
6
@John M.
She clearly asks him to ask her again, closer to the date. Doesn't seem like a rejection or toxic masculinity to pursue a date with a woman who seems interested in the idea.
9
If I am not mistaken, when Larry Summers became President of Harvard, a “personal assistant” needed to be hired to arrange his “calendar” since his wife would not be with him. I got a good laugh when I read this. So many thankless and under appreciated tasks are assigned to wives. The GE divorce is another case in point.
8
The title really puts things into perspective. Imagine this kind of situation occuring nowadays, and how fast Bill Gates would have his career and reputation ruined by a sexual harassment allegation. It truely is a bizzare world where 25% of young people consider a mere action of asking someone out for a drink as sexual harassment.
15
The relentless attitude shown to Melinda French was shown to hundreds of entrepreneurs and engineers as well. Unfortunately, Bill wasn't asking them for a date, he was crushing their business. In his famous 'Open Letter' Gates accused others of being thieves and parasites. As he himself probably opined many times in his youth, "It takes one to know one." The lifestyle that helped propel Melinda to being a feminist also propelled many people into bankruptcy. Gates was just out to get what was his, he thought it was all his.
2
Let's look at the fallacies rife in this article and ensuing reader comments.
1. Gender pay gap is real .
2.Asking a colleague for a date is sexual harassment.
3.Melinda Gates is a feminist.
4.Theirs' is an equal and egalitarian marriage.
2
"Hundreds of thousands of children now survive each year who wouldn’t have without the Gateses’ money, advocacy and ingenuity."
And that's wonderful, but boy! Let's equip those children's mothers—those "hundreds of thousands of mothers—with easy-to-use, inexpensive forms of birth control. Wealthy women ("wealthy" is obviously relative) have access to birth control, why not poor women? Why not poor, desperate women in patriarchal, religiously focused countries? Hey, why not poor women right here in the US of A?
Access to birth control is the answer to all the planet's ills: people clamoring at the borders, people drowning in the Med, people fighting over protein and eating monkeys. Birth control. Two children instead of seven. Quality over quantity. Birth control. That's it, that's all. And, given the option, given the choice, most women will use it.
24
@sarasotaliz -- Melinda is a huge advocate of birth control.
5
@sarasotaliz
"Access to birth control is the answer to all the planet's ills:"
No it's not, Sara. It is one extremely important part: agreed.
Abortion is another, but extremely less desirable, and should be less important: I hope you agree. Self-control.
Transparency: I have two sons and four daughters, born in that order. I know that if I had not had four daughters, I wouldn't have known them/wouldn't have missed them/wouldn't have loved them. All my children have discussed this with me and agreed with me.
We have hearts and brains, feelings and facts - inseparable, but with different functions. This is not a binary world: I read that yesterday and realized how true it is. 'Either:Or' is usually a difficult choice, but time usually reveals it's not 50:50, it's not that hard. It's usually more complex or nuanced, if you give it time and careful thought.
I think taking the time to understand the different, not always
opposing, sides before coming to your own conclusion - time and thought - is a better answer to solutions to our problems. Enough time, civil discussion of all thoughts. Compromise. Good losers. Good winners.
L&B&L
To those who wonder: Love&Blessing&Laughter
Strange, that when most Americans have rightly concluded that even the "principled" .1% are too arrogant and self-interested to be trusted, Nicholas Kristof trots out another paean to the billionaires.
If only everyone could live that life of courtier comfort. Or it still heresy to point out in these pages that Gates, Bloomberg and Buffett, for all their comfort with the megaphone, aren't profound thinkers or well-informed?
5
@jrd Go to Bill's website where he discusses the books he is reading and very often the books he and Melinda are reading. I find it informative and he is often reading the same books that I am reading.
1
@jrd
Bill Gates scored an SAT at the 99th percentile - so yeah - he is pretty smart.
And if 'everyone' lived the life of a courtier then - by definition - it would no longer be the life of a courtier - we would call it 'life'
2
@SteveRR
Mark Zuckerberg got perfect SAT scores, I believe. That means he's also wise and is qualified to design national educational policy or end world hunger? How about letting them in the operating room, while we're at it? I mean, like, they're pretty smart...?
"If everyone...." is a rhetorical figure, not a literal request. Maybe you missed that one on SAT prep?
1
If, as late as 2015, Bill Gates still hadn't figured out that the annual report of the "Bill and Melinda" Foundation should be co-authored, then he is likely still the jerk that ran roughshod over the antitrust laws for 20 years at Microsoft. He is very very lucky to have found Melinda.
12
When Bill Gates slowly, over time, realized his own internalized male supremacy in only signing his name to a letter in the name of their joint foundation it was not an example of the "hard work and grumpy compromises of marriage." It was an example of the "explaining and retraining" that empowered, assertive women must do in an overwhelmingly male supremacist culture in order to truly function as fully human equals in a marriage partnership.
244
@Amy Luna
When a man goes along to get along, it doesn't mean he's "realized his own internalized male supremacy." Or, for that matter, that he's come to believe the radical feminist claim that he lives in an "overwhelmingly male supremacist culture."
Men of Bill Gates' assertive, competitive nature aren't so easily swayed.
7
@ellen1910 It's not radical. It's obvious. We believe God is male and that women should take their husband's name when they marry. Just gender flip that and you'll see what I mean. Male supremacists would never stand for a female God and taking their wives' names. In fact, they'd call that "radical." Which proves my point.
31
He “volunteers” to drive his kids to school. Same thing as a dad saying he babysat his kids. Hardly a step to equality.
12
I appreciate this message that sometimes gets lost in the sturm und drang that even rich people have problems. It's true. Humanizing rich people helps everyone because if we believe in real equalities and in real meritocracies we need to see individuals in the world clearly and realistically. I don't have it all, but I have a certain level of happiness. Kate Spade's life looked very glamorous from afar, but something drove her to suicide. She's a human being like everyone else. Rich or poor.... everyone has problems of some sort........
123
I don't understand the 'evolved into a feminist' part. As a woman who thought she had the right to run her own life, make her own money and live as she wished, she was already a feminist.
21
A good marriage evolves just as consistently as thoughtful people change to match needs and times. In this marriage it appears Melinda Gates was able to recognize her needs, demand to be heard, push to get her needs met, persevere over time and Bill was wise enough to take her influence. Yes they are wealthy, wildly successful etc. but this article is a snippet of how a thinking independent woman and man crafted a marriage that works and is a process. It also demonstrates that by speaking up she is raising questions that can influence change. I'm left wanting to know more.
25
I cringed when I read the second sentence: “When she was still Melinda French ... “ as if she is not "still" the same person she was before she changed her name. She is right, in the realm of equality, this country does have a long way to go. The sexism here may not be as blatant as in other places, but the subtle and frequent slights women experience on a daily basis are often overlooked, dismissed or denied. In the presidential race, for instance, the media give far more attention and publicity to Beto, Bernie, Pete and Joe than the women candidates. I know about the men's spouses and families, but I've yet to see human interest stories about Elizabeth, Kamala, Kirsten, and Amy. I admire Melinda Gates for maintaining her individuality and independence. It can be exhausting to stand up to successful, privileged white men. Unfortunately, I can imagine a future news article that refers to her as “the former Melinda French.”
3
'... as if she is not "still" the same person she was before she changed her name.'
Not to defend Kristof, but the sentence you are complaining about can be read as:
"When she was still _called_ Melinda French ..."
Anyway, the important point is that then-French was not married, so Gates wasn't flirting with a married woman, which is how we now know Ms. Gates.
More troublesome is that Ms. Gates says that she is now "an ardent feminist", yet she doesn't even mention her name change in the beginning of her book where she discusses her early relationship with Mr. Gates.
1
@MJ
I get what you are saying MJ - wholeheartedly but "former" really means "nee" Melinda Gates (nee; French.) I cannot speak for Kristof and his wording but it seems a bit of '"much ado.."
5
@MJ "but I've yet to see human interest stories about Elizabeth, Kamala, Kirsten, and Amy"
And you are not likely to any time soon. Not because no one wants to write them, but because women trying to make it in a "man's world" seemingly don't want to tell those stories out of fear they will somehow be judged as "weak".
I use the Bill and Melinda Gates example of marriage when explaining to my son to find someone to marry that is your equal in goals and mentality. Find someone you can relate and commit to, don't expect them to be second or be your housekeeper. I doubt the Gate's marriage is a perfect one but I have to give them credit for sticking with it and wish them success.
28
@Missy To me, this represents a "perfect marriage" in that it acknowledges its imperfection. Healthy people and healthy institutions know they can't be perfect, they can be alive and growing.
3
I wish Melinda and Bill Gates would spend some of their billions in the United States establishing health care facilities, including dental and vision care, in the many areas of our country that don't have them.
The abject pain, suffering and misery endured by poor and the sick, particularly in many rural areas and large swaths of the South, is unconscionable in the richest nation in the history of the world. However it exists, and on a massive scale beyond the imagination of most middle and upper class Americans.
Think what 10 or 20 billion dollars well spent on training physicians, nurses, and nurse practitioners, then setting them up in offices or storefronts where they are most needed, could do for our fellow citizens.
It could change the history of the United States which now seems in danger of sliding into a very dark place because of the levels of desperation in streets and lanes of big cities and small towns that most of our federal politicians never see or think about
17
@Samsara, America is the most prosperous country in the world, and one thing it can do is look after its citizens. The work that the Gates Foundation does around the world in the poorest countries, improving health outcomes and tackling disease, is applauded and hopefully a template for others of great wealth. I think the federal government has a central role in ensuring fair access to health services, as happens in many European countries (Norway, e.g.) This really might Make America Great.
29
@Samsara, I have a great deal of sympathy with what you're saying, but living in a country that depends on the philanthropic whim of even the most concerned ultra-wealthy to address the most basic needs of all people, is a step backward. Taxation is the most viable means to address societal inequities, and that can only be effective if forward thinking uncorrupted representatives.
39
@Samsara Bill and Melinda are to be admired because they are doing this for (apparently) selfless reasons. Your complaint is that they aren't more selfish in a nationalistic sense (why don't they take care of their own country first), even though the people of this country is *much* more capable of taking care of itself than those they predominantly assist?
7
Both Bill and Melissa Gates and Mike Bloomberg did not inherit their billions. Though there are families like the Rockefellers who have been charitable, I think that inherited wealth should be more heavily taxed than it is. Wealth is never earned in a vacuum—we all contribute to the creation of roads, police and fire protection, education, etc.
16
I cringed when I read the second sentence: “When she was still Melinda French ... “ as if once a woman changes her name, she is a different person. In the realm of equality, this country does have a long way to go. The sexism here may not be as blatant as in other places, but the subtle and frequent slights women experience on a daily basis are often overlooked and dismissed. I admire Melinda Gates for maintaining her individuality and independence in her marriage. It can be exhausting to stand up to a successful, privileged white man. Unfortunately, I can imagine a future obituary that refers to her as “the former Melinda French.”
8
@MJ Oh come on. It was a legal name change, it happened, she willingly chose to make that change it was not forced upon here, and it is a standard way of signifying specific points in time in writing. When I write something that begins "when I was still in high school" or "when Obama was still President" that doesn't signify some diminished stature because neither he or I are still called that.
I'm not saying that there isn't a TON of sexism in this country, and a long way to go for equality. I'm just saying that all of this effort spent calling out "microaggressions" like this can get tired, and IMO, be counterproductive, because they distract from REAL issues.
13
They are not Hollywood. Rough around the edges. Good people.
10
Hey, it's tough being married to a billionaire!
By the way, I worked on the foundation's web site in it's early years. They spent a ton of money on it and I was told all they really cared about was monitoring the referrers (the clients that were making the web hits) to see if they were from D.C. and/or the U.N.
3
By usually taking the greater risk and action in initiating relationships, men get better schooled in initiative, marketing, and resilience, which can carry over to business success. When you only choose between what's offered, you do not fully engineer your fate.
Bill and Melinda aren't the best example here. One of them being a billionaire complicates such interactions. Melinda handled it well.
3
From what I understand, Bill Gates was a computer nerd wrapped up in his company. Where else but at Microsoft could he find a woman who understood what he did? It makes perfect sense that he would have asked Melinda out and no one should find that offensive. The fact that he has been able to grow beyond writing code to taking a real interest in the world is a credit to both of them.
Having money does not make you a mensch. Having a heart does.
97
Two odd points in this review (possibly in the book, too):
1. What does it mean that Bill “volunteered” to drive his daught to school two days a wekk? Did Melinda “volunteer” to drive the ither three days? Or did she assume it was her “job” to do the school run, unless her husband “volunteered” to “help her” — in which case, their thinking abiut domestic life is hardly “feminist”.
2. Why is it old-fashioned to think ”employees had partners who would stay home to do the unpaid work of caring for family,”? It is a fact that someone needs to do the work of caring for family. Neither houses nor the humans (young or old) who inhabit them can exist without daily attention. Such care can be provided by either a man or a woman, but it must be provided or households and, eventually, society will crumble. An enlightened view would be that paid work and domestic work are equal — the spouse who earns money would share the money with the “home spouse” and the “home spouse” would share the joys of family and domestic comfort with the wage-earning spouse. Both the wage-earning andnthe home-making are important for happiness and well-being.
28
@LD Those of us with two working partners/parents still maintain our households. The point the article was making is that employers need to realize that everyone doesn't have a stay at home spouse. It is old fashioned to assume that households with a single adult or two working adults don't exist.
4
@LD
1. Saying Bill "volunteered" means that the idea came from him, it was not suggested by her. How do you recommend that Kristoff conveys that fact without triggering your PC sensors?
2. He calls it "old fashioned" probably because 50-60 years ago (i.e. the generation of many readers' parents) government statistics clearly show that women participated in the labor force in much smaller numbers/% (i.e. stayed in the home, doing domestic work) than they do today. Calling something that was common in one's youth but isn't today "old fashioned" is hardly an abuse of the term.
You are overthinking things IMO, in your search for microaggressions to call out.
5
@MadManMark Good point. I agree with you.
1
It’s difficult to identify anything that would encourage me to purchase this book. What can Melinda Gates contrubute about any topic that would relate to me. I’m tired of the current practice of the media promoting celebrities and public figures as experts on heath, welfare, politics, and the human condition.
20
@Frank w Allen
That may be true but until you read it how do you know?
3
Good for her, she changed the work environment.
But I wish the Gates foundation would consider a more earth friendly approach to agriculture in emerging markets. Scale and chemicals may not be the answer.
8
Those who think it impossible to sympathise with someone Melinda Gates miss the point. For many reasons, but perhaps most importantly, because sympathy is often the first step towards finding better solutions, solutions which help not just Melinda Gates, but also others who face the similar challenges but have less resources at hand to help them.
8
This is a long shot, but maybe Melinda will see this. I live in Cambodia, and there is a very serious epidemic of cervical cancer here. Young women are dying. There are a lot of NGOs here, but the fear seems to be, if we test, where is the money for equipment, health facilities and treatment going to come from? Doctors here say that is the problem. The government will do nothing. Please help!
41
@Far from home
That we have to beg billionaires to help people, to make choices between competing causes, and that they have the power of life and death over millions is frightening. That they have more resources than the governments to whom we pay taxes is appalling.
30
@jc And all this while they pay little to no taxes relative to the size of their wealth - which was only possible because of minimal taxation. Oh, but they will voluntarily pledge to give away much more than would ever be taxed. How noble of them.
9
@jci am in total agreement with you JC. Thank you for articulating the injustice.
4
Courtesy and respect, that is what Melinda wisely engendered in an otherwise thoughtless Bill.
And it looks to me like it changed his life. I wish there were more couples like them.
Take a look at Steve Jobs's life by comparison, has he or would he have ever left such a legacy?
42
Why criticize a millionaire couple who's generosity all of you
envious people would not match? They are doing so much
good in this world! I wish more millionaires would follow their steps.
67
@MB The tragically broken US Tax System is one of the problems.... I am thankful that people like Buffett and the Gates have hearts and souls, and have risen to the occasion. God bless 'em!
Meanwhile, the rest of us need to do our share. World Vision enables our family to help support a kid in South America, and we don't even notice the cost. Almost every American family ought to be helping people in the Third World.... almost all of us have money to spare.
5
Billionaires don’t live in our world, don’t pay taxes, don’t leave footprints (their wealth is hidden behind shell companies), don’t fly in our planes, don’t send their kids to our schools, don’t wrestle with our issues.
There’s nothing they have to offer us. Certainly not fake homespun wisdom. They have bought politicians and judges and bribed them to ignore our issues and their crimes. I wish the media would stop fawning over them and ask them tough questions about the world they have made for us and the consequences they are immune to.
22
@Xoxarle One minor correction. Bill Gates flies commercial, or at least he used to. Once at the gate a guy asked me if I wanted to see what $40B looks like and he pointed to a nerdy fellow struggling to remove an ugly sweater. There was Bill.
14
@Bill Carson Warren Buffet flew commercial for many years and finally got a private jet in 1998 (he named it 'Indefinsible'. Now he owns Netjets. But he did do it for decades until the airlines ramped up to the misery that it is now.
1
@Bill Carson Michael Bloomberg took the subway. He had security with him, but still, a billionaire on public transportation.
2
When your only real accomplishment in life is marrying a billionaire and helping him give away his money everything about you is derivative.
15
@God Melinda Gates was valedictorian of her high school, she graduated from Duke with degrees in economics and computer science, as well as an MBA. She worked for Expedia and Microsoft, and she continues to contribute to the world in a wide variety of ways. Bill is lucky to have her.
40
@God
Why would you say that? Did you do any research? Why do you think Microsoft hired her in the first place?
6
I’m sure they do some good with their outlandish wealth, but I believe that the vast majority of rich people do not possess universal wisdom, they only know how to make money. So when they try, for example, to re-make education but themselves dropped out to become rich, I see them as dilettantes. And out of touch ones at that.
9
The Gates can advocate for an increase in inheritance tax but their family will feel no ill effects from such an increase. They will no doubt will the bulk of their estate to the Foundation. Following the lead established by their friend Mr. Buffett, their children will work for the Foundation, drawing a very comfortable salary. There will probably be a nice tax-proof trust thrown in for future generations of Gates.
Unless Bernie Sanders becomes president and decides to take it all away from them. Ouch!
8
"But we lack moral authority to protest abroad when we shrug at inequities here at home."
Isn't it often just easier to critique the world instead of sticking to the knitting at home?
I was intrigued by Melinda's spunk at speaking her mind on that first date with Bill. And even more by her insistence in being taken seriously in co-writing a letter for a foundation she half managed.
They are a fascinating couple, largely for the tremendous work they do for children's health but also for the personal details Melinda reveals about the "hard work and grubby compromises" of equal marriage.
54
@ChristineMcM
Yes, thankfully Melinda made Bill more human and humane and he had the smarts to let her do it. We all need partners in life that make us better human beings.
59
So anyone can change. Philanthropy is now associated with the Gates' but I remember when the media was filled with arrows cast at Bill Gates who was notable for giving nothing.
11
I've always admired Melinda Gates. She was the driving force behind their philanthropy, yet in early interviews, with her at his side, Bill would publicly take the credit, saying "I think..." and "I did..." fairly unconsciously, as many men do. I'm sure if he had been called on it in the moment, he would have been surprised and included her. I remember watching them being interviewed along with Warren Buffet some 10-15 years ago by Charlie Rose. Rose turned all the questions to Buffet and Bill at first. Bill's answers were talking points. Finally, Rose asked Melinda a question and she gave a deep, detailed, thoughtful answer about the Foundation. You could see who was doing the work.
Having worked hard in tech for many years, I notice moments like these in the media and re-experience my own frustrations of not having my ideas and contributions fully acknowledged. It's a small thing and obviously doesn't compare to the human rights abuses Kristof reports on, but it saps a woman's energy on the job, nonetheless.
I look forward to reading her book.
214
The first time I asked my wife out she said maybe. Boy was I confused! Fortunately a mutual friend explained maybe I should ask again and the rest is history. Like Melinda’s answer that has set the tone of our relationship ever since. I hope Bill is as grateful as I am for a partner who will not be taken for granted. I am glad Melinda is leading on her own to change the workplace. Brava!
58
Women in business in equal numbers to men automatically improves enterprise standards, growth and profit as proven in the 1980's. In a NJ medical devices firm, ITC, the business was stuck with flat sales, poor quality products and middling stereotypic male management. Then, a shift to hiring women in every section and boom, 35% annual growth with 40, unbroken, quarter to quarter growth without outside investment or dilution. The male female ratio was 50/50. Then a fortune 300 company bought the company and switched back to male dominance and, boom, it became an "also ran" mediocre firm.
24
@terry brady
Abject nonsense or show us the data. In the 1980s I worked for a company that was run by women and it did well until it was bought by a major multi-national run by men. Then the company did great. Income and profits rose almost 300% by the third year. And it was run by men!!
Sweeping generalizations based on one example are useless.
5
Bill & Melinda Gates have had an enormous impact on education so you'd think they'd question why the child of a billionaire needed to attend school an hour away. People no-doubt think of the enormous cost, or his ability to hire a high-quality chauffeur, or even buy and fly her back and forth in a helicopter. Or the needless carbon footprint of four hours of driving.
But a better question is what was wrong with the local schools? If they were that lousy why not fund a better one close by that more kids could benefit from? A good example: IBM donated land and funds to build a middle school on the site of the IBM campus where their PC was innovated. Bill Gates no-doubt remembers the place because it's where he struck his infamous deal to bundle the operating system for the IBM PC being designed there that made most of his fortune. Today, the Don Estridge High Tech Middle School) named after the lead engineer who died in a plane crash) remains a high performing public school.
16
@Michael
The Gates family has to deal with security issues that go way beyond what lesser-known wealthy people have.
19
@Michael -- The school was Lakeside, which is where Bill went to school and met Paul Allen. You send your kids there if you can.
3
@Michael
I know it’s not your point, but the tremendously successful IBM PC required almost the least innovation of any product in the computer age. IBM had the heft to create a de facto standard - no innovation required.
Of course, the decision to lease the operating system from Bill Gates, instead of buying it, was the worst business decision ever made.
First the owner of the company asks a subordinate for a date on company property, then he calls her up at home asking to see her in two hours. How much pressure did she feel to say yes? It ended happily, but it could have been very different.
25
Doesn’t sound like her initial answer was negative. If she said straight-up no and he persisted, I could see your point.
18
@Susan, RN
Anything could have been very different. It's bad enough that people these days strive to find something wrong with everything but to waste energy on something that could have been bad but wasn't is truly pointless.
11
Very nice review, Nicholas but much to short - unless you were teasing us to obtain the memoir (ok, I will).
I was raised by a single mom who had three boys on her hands, the first of whom was considerably older and bigger than me and was abusive at every turn in the milestones of my early youth (shed no tears for me thought - I have more resources than I ever imagined, a smart and beautiful wife and a successful daughter who is by far the smartest person I have ever known, though her physicist husband is very much up there with her).
With that as a background, I have never understood how and why women were so underestimated and underutilized. - they should be the ones who are paid 21% more than men because, if given the opportunity, they're intellectually brighter, considerably more curious and always cautious when venturing into unknown territories. That sounds to me as a fairly decent template for a successful company or country for that matter.
117
@Tiim By analogy... How is it that teachers are so underrated and, in a lot of cases, underpaid? Partly, probably, because the majority are women, but also because as a society we talk the talk about education, but we sure aren't willing to pay those who walk the walk every day with our children.
101
@meh
Well meh, teacher pay is mostly determined by what’s necessary to get enough teachers to sign up. Also, I’m guessing that the long and frequent vacation days attract those wise enough to know their value.
Does the executive, working 70 hour weeks and traveling often, really live better?
1
Thank you for this article. The Gates are amazingly generous, thoughtful and human. God bless them, May their great work continue on.
26
@GLO
They have profited handsomely from GOP tax cuts which have funded their "philanthropy."
You and I are paying, not this software salesman & wife, in other words.
4
@David Henry. Do you think they hav any responsibility for those tax cuts?
9
Really. Such model people and citizens.
I appreciate learning more about Melinda Gates. She sounds down-to-earth and very much touch in touch with the realities of her position in the world and the unprecedented opportunities to do good afforded to her. Thanks for this profile.
47
This is the most wealthy country in the world, and the Gates are at the top of this wealth, and yet it comes to this: the wife, an 'equal' partner, writing about these trivial issues. It is to her credit that she writes about them, but the context and the perspective is appalling, there is no other word for it.
Girls, you have got a very long way to go, so if you want equality, go get it and start now....clearly it will not be handed over....not unless you want to wade through a lifetime of 'grumpy compromises.'
I very much wish this did not make me sick.
19
@B Brandt
I can sympathize. ALL individual personal relationship challenges and frustrations pale in comparison to the poverty, the suffering, the lack of economic and social justice in the world.
Having said that, we do all have personal lives amid this land of plenty we live in, and personal growth could help all of us fight more effectively for said social and economic justice, no?
13
@Chris M
I find your statement "She went to an elite, private all girls school and then had her choice of colleges to attend, as provided for by her father." rather ironic. Apparently, Ms. Gates' mother's contributions to the family's financial well being were zilch. If that is true, why, in the 21 century, are families ANNUALLY spending tens of thousamds of dollars for daycare, afterschool care, uber, tutors, housecleaning services, senior citizen daycare, grocery shopping, meal delivery, and a myriad of other services?
These very services that we now pay so dearly for were overhelmingly and almost exclusively provided in the last century by women. They did so without the benefit of sick leave, retirement, disability insurance, or even a social security account in their own name, all while working a 7-day week, 12-hour day, with no overtime, for 20-30 years.
In their so-called retirement, such women remained largely responsible for daily household maintenance long after their husbands retired from their workplaces. Furthermore, these women did so with no recognition or workforce protections. However, maybe you're right afterall--patriarchy produces great outcomes--at least for the male and his offspring --but for the female--maybe not so much!
49
Not sure the you of your post. So I will just say this. My mom worked one job for two years, before becoming a permanent housewife. Her life was nothing like the indentured servitude you describe. It was a lucky and easy life. As a daughter of the 70s I went in a different direction. Good thing: as for most boomers, living through multiple busts, two incomes have been a must for us. My life has thus been much harder than mom's as I managed work and home.
1
A woman who fell into billions,made the cover of Time for no other reason than her marriage is now a feminist.Colour me shocked.
23
@farkennel
Juxtapose the hard-won equality of her marriage to many womens' marrisges of the last century, when the agenda was set by the spouse who possessed the purse, it is a sea change.
4
I am not a fan of Microsoft and the business methodology of Gates, but I deeply admire their ability to stick together and grow. That’s something a lot of us can admire, even if Microsoft is not around in 50 years.
28
‘Bill Gates is driving his kid to school; you can, too.’
If I got to use bill gates car, I’d love to drive his kid to school.
But seriously, that’s the equivalent of spending millions of dollars on getting you kid to school that you could spend on building schools for thousands of other kids.
6
@Hugh Crawford It's not about efficient use of resources, it's about the principle of sharing the task of raising children. Sometimes setting an example is more important than cost efficiency.
72
His daughter used to train for horse back riding and was an elite athlete/Olympic hopeful. I think her hobby had something to do with where she went to school.
4
@Aaron
Of course you are correct, but I was commenting in the context of doing well for your family vs. doing good for the world which seemed to me to be the context of the column.
"I hugely admire what Bill and Melinda Gates have done to alleviate global suffering." being the first sentence.
'Some readers may mock these difficulties, thinking, “Why feel sorry for a billionaire?” My take is different.'
Mine isn't.
10
Life in the bubble.
10
Well off men who can set their own schedules are free to do the school run. The tricky part os being able to take care of a family when you lack control over your work. Fathers where I live are plenty involved in dropping children off at school, helping in the classroom and volunteering for field trips. They need no one's permission. Color me unimpressed that Bill Gates saw fit to spend some time driving his children to school.
37
@Abby
Bill and Melinda were tempted by financial opportunity, to pay others to care for their son, but they chose humanity.
1
The idea that women have a civilizing influence on men is a 19th Century ideological relict. It’s incredible that such a sexist idea finds itself into a piece that is supposably all about equality.
13
@Alexia Well, it's obvious that men aren't the only ones needing "civilizing."
1
@Alexia
Well Alexia, we have communities where the vast majority of men are unmarried and not subject to the civilizing influence of love and responsibility for wives and children. But we have devised a cure for that - mass incarceration.
1
@Alexia
The demographic that commits the most crimes and the most crimes of violence is that of unmarried males ages 14-30. It is clear that marriage and the influence of women results in a decrease in male criminality. And that can be considered a civilizing influence. Go look up some data.
2
I think the situation is beginning to improve. Now I consider the dividing line between sexism and misogyny to be at the point where passive bias turns into active resentment. I never experienced such resentment in the engineering or physics departments as an undergraduate. But in graduate school, it was off the hook! It was socially acceptable at my elite institution to lash out at women just for having been admitted to the program. Welcome! You don't belong here! Go away!
It was always a minority of men who were actively resentful. But the rest of the men decided they could put up with it. (Insert laughing while crying emoji here.)
It appears now that the silent male majority is speaking up at last and tackling this malicious minority seriously.
Kudos to every woman who has had to run the gauntlet of misogyny and survived.
59
I am sick of profiles of billionaire philanthropists. Social and economic justice would save more lives than the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation ever will. Nuts to this.
19
@Me
"economic justice" brings malaise, despair and poverty to the human race.
All with good intentions.
9
@Me Yes, in places like Cuba, Venezuela and the former Soviet Union, it really worked. Economic justice, it cannot exist because we are all different. Sorry. Some try, some don't. The ones who don't will attempt to steal from those who do.
4
@George Orwell
said by someone who has never seen their children starving before their eyes...
1
Thank goodness. A sexual harassment case in the workplace that ended well.
7
And regarding the rejection? Nearly all great romances start that way. You are a wise woman, Melinda.
10
If only she had been raised in a homeless household, her story might have more import. But … give me a break … more Hollywood celebrity nonsense--false victim, fraudulent victim life. Needs to stick to tax-dodge Gates Fund.
13
@Alice's Restaurant
Domestic abuse is abuse--period. Getting slapped around and beaten hurts no less be you rich, poor, or Hollywood celebrity.
1
The problem is the Gates Foundation gives a great deal of money to Planned Parenthood. Although Melinda raised Catholic, it doesn't seem to bother her that Planned Parent hood would use this money to facilitate more abortions than any other organization in the United States.
4
@PS, Milwaukee
Yes, like many Catholics, Ms. Gates appears to think that women have the right to control their own bodies. Although I'm not a particular fan of the Gates Foundation, I do believe the Foundation has done a lot to educate people that one step to bringing families out of poverty is for women to have access to a range of contraception -- abortion included
205
@PS, Milwaukee
How much money are you putting into helping vulnerable people not have kids they can't afford? How much are you helping them and their babies after the kids are born?
How much money are you putting into helping vulnerable people not have disasters in their personal lives?
How much are you helping vulnerable people?
96
Planned parenthood has most likely prevented more abortions than any other entity. Dispensing contraception at an affordable price has been shown to be a highly effective way to lower the abortion rate.
261
Bill and Melinda could afford a private driver to shuttle their kids to school and a ghost writer for their foundation’s annual letter, 1000 times over. Not having to bargain over life’s more mundane tasks would make anyone’s marriage easier, yet they still keep these experiences as theirs to share. Nice to know how down to earth and grounded these billionaires are, and that they choose to work through the good and the bad, without paying someone off to take it all away..
There is no way that “other” billionaire has ever driven his kids to school or written anything by himself that was longer than a (misspelled) tweet.
207
@LV You are assuming the other guy really is a billionaire.
61
Anyone ever notice that when a subordinate employee gets involved with, then marries a rich executive leader at work it is a story of "romance," but when things don't work out and the relationship ends it often turns into a harrassment and retaliation lawsuit?
How do other employees fairly compete for promotions, raises and career advancement with another employee that is dating their boss?
Hypocrisy much?
19
@Fred Rick
Fred Rick, when folks have to balance between two fine, but conflicting, principles, you shouldn’t call them hypocrites.
Thanks, NK. It's a pleasure to avert one's attention — for a moment at least — away from the monsters in the White House and towards two very intelligent, wealthy, and influential individuals who can think about more than themselves.
46
So these two, who are vastly wealthy thanks to a government-granted patent monopoly, political lobbying, campaign contributions, predatory business practices and the best marginal tax rates and tax shelters money can buy, are heroes of the modern age?
Imagine if the NYT was willing to employ a columnist prepared to examine the harm Bill Gates and his fellow billionaires have done the world....
20
Irregardless Of what most of us think about Billionaires, this couple are doing very good things, for the very poor and very sick, especially Children. Don’t blame them for the Congress, that accepts bribes from the Rich to to make them even richer. The Gates are providing measurable improvements to literally Millions, worldwide. I sincerely thank and respect them both. Take your distain and anger out on those that deserve it.
Please. They are NOT the enemy.
223
All rich people are not created equal.
Bill and Melinda Gates have done such exemplary work that when Warren Buffett pondered starting another foundation of his own, he chose to team up with the Gates Foundation instead.
Michael Bloomberg is another principled billionaire who uses his wealth for the betterment of humankind.
And then there's the slob in the White House who ran a fake charity, sold ripoff "educations" at a fake university, stiffed contractors, and never did anything for the betterment of anyone not named Trump.
711
@D Price
Also, some rich people make their money. They're smart, hard-working, find opportunities, and know how to cooperate. And they surround themselves with the "best people" in the true sense of the word.
Other inherit big money, and think it makes them special.
85
@D Price: Great post. You nailed the contrast between rich folks who see philanthropy as the best way to give back to communities that helped them along the way to career success, and, as you put it so well, the "slob" in the White House whose fortune is based on scamming and total selfishness.
58
I’d drive my kid to school on the moon for a chance to meet Bill Gates.
4
@Frederic Mokren Is that Bellevue Washington or Bellevue Hospital?
11
“We’re quick to criticize gender injustice when we see it around the world...We also need to see it where most of us feel it and can do something about it — in the places where we work.” — Melinda Gates
It's hard to believe that, in 2019, women in the United States are still trying to eliminate the gender wage gap and advocate for paid maternity leave. While progress has been made towards closing the gender wage gap, US women are still making 10%-20% less than their male counterparts. In addition, more than 50 countries offer 6 or more months of paid maternity leave while the US mandates none. While we hear about women battling gender injustices (e.g. Nusrat Jahan Rafi) around the world, gender injustice is still a prevalent issue in our own backyard—the US workplace. With the same vigor and enthusiasm they have towards changing US tax laws/inheritance tax, I hope Mr. and Mrs. Gates (and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation) will consider advocating for fair wage laws and leave policies that extend beyond the Equal Pay Act, Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, and FMLA while continuing their crusade for gender and social equality abroad.
19
Interesting that a woman might sue her boss (or owner of the company she works at) now if he were to ask her out.
14
No matter how rich you are the clothes need cleaning, the dishes need to put in the dishwasher, and the dog has to go out for a walk. Everyone shares the responsibilities in a happy marriage
15
Still can't imagine what she ever saw in that billionaire.
16
Doing good for others with their wealth puts them as a stark contrast to the other multimillionaires and billionaires around the world, including the Trump mafia.
23
"we lack moral authority to protest abroad when we shrug at inequities here at home."
Seriously? We can't denounce acid attacks, sex trafficking, or a teenager getting burned to death for denouncing the headmaster who groped her, unless we complain about men not driving their kids to work twice a week?
13
Let me make an obvious point: for a CEO to ask a subordinate for a date is sexual harassment, pure and simple. He holds all the cards, she holds none. I am glad it worked out for this remarkable couple, but they are definitely the exception.
6
@Mark Siegel. I would say that Melinda held a very strong hand. She had an elite education and a strong will, and she appears to have changed her husband more than he changed her. I have never heard of Bill Gates being a predator. He is wired very differently than most tech executives.
24
@Mark Siegel
It's only "sexual harassment" if the employer's code of conduct says it is. Otherwise, it's called normal human behavior.
What was MS's code of conduct in 1987?
7
I never meant to suggest he is a predator. But, when he asked her out he was at the top of the company food chain and she was lower down, creating a power imbalance. I think you will find that most companies would frown on this. Thanks for the feedback.
1
The. i’ll and Melinda Gates Foundation has done considerable damage to public eduction, which they have no expertise in. It is time we stop aggrandizing the rich.
14
With all the struggles going on this World, I find it difficult to take the challenges of being married to the richest man in the World seriously.
13
In all honesty, it was not a rejection, it was a come on.
14
"And equal marriages help build fairer societies."
Only if those married are equally competent.
Marriage is like farming--a 1001 jobs, decisions, projects, some work (grin and bear it), some play (feel good fun).
If those knowledgeable/competent at this or that must treat those ignorant/incompetent as equals--it's a recipe for disaster.
Inequality starts with reproduction. Men don't ovulate, menstruate, gestate, lactate or menopause. Or go to work while their bodies are performing these wonders. Digestion is their big challenge.
In the old days domestic division of labor was clearer--men's work (sun to sun); women's work (never done). They were more or less trained for their familial jobs but not the other's. Thus a natural inequality of domestic authority. Role reversal was a joke.
So too is equal rights/authority regardless of unequal knowledge/competence.
"Voting"--in a two person dispute, won't work. Nor will picking days to be management/employee--competence again.
Starry eyed love gets us through the break-in period--while these issues get worked out. Sometimes illusionment turns to disillusionment (s/he's just incompetent--cute but incompetent; or s/he's a bully) so they never get worked out
The history of marriage mirrors economic divisions: master/slave; lord/serf; employer/employee. Yes--often the psychic roles belied the apparent ones (dependent masters).
But equal partners is now often a delusion too--as both real and ideal.
7
I am proud of her and of him.
This is what wealth in America is about. Not "should be about." It is what it's really about.
7
Rock on, Melinda! My daughters, my son, not to mention me are better off because of you.
7
The tech world becomes reptilian without women around. Reptiles are great, tough little creatures, but we don't need them getting together and planning things without input of other animals on the planet.
16
"That's how equal marriages are built: not just on romance but also on hard work and grumpy compromises."
Spot on.
I am happy Bill and Melinda are doing good. Far better than not doing good. I was there, at that time. It was like that, though the adjectives that Melinda uses are too kind by a country mile. The hyper-masculinity was abusive, pigheaded, silly, counter-productive, and extraordinarily unpleasant. There were, however, groups within the company that were oases of decency, civility and equity. Neither Melinda nor Charlotte spent any time in them, as far as I know. For the record, men also sometimes found the abuse intolerable, and cried. This one did.
29
I wonder if Bill and Melinda are aware that saving lives of children who will suffer in a severely climate-changed world... is a little counter-productive. No, I don't mean stop saving the kids, but:
Maybe we can convince them to also put some money toward planting one trillion trees, which could RESET the earth CLIMATE to its pre-warming equilibrium:
https://futurism.com/planting-trillions-trees-cancel-co2-emissions/
And with a team of, say, just 20 people and 100 drones, the trillion could theoretically be planted in LESS than one YEAR:
https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/tree-planting-drones-successfully-planted-thousands-of-saplings/
Anyone have Bill's cell number?
20
Next time you auto pay for Prime or open an Amazon box, remember Bezos gives away no $, and the Gates have pledged pretty much all of theirs. Not every good cause can be funded by the Gates.
10
"And then she struggled to forge an equal relationship with Bill (it helped that she beat him at a math game)."
Bill Gates is extremely smart with math and computers, so I would not take this lightly.
It is also obvious that Bill can be a narcissistic jerk. Fortunately, Melinda is a fighter and hung in there, working to straighten him out.
Melinda Gates constructed a NYT Crossword some months ago. It was a Wednesday, a medium-level difficulty puzzle. I was doing these puzzles regularly at the time, throughout the week. I was struck by that puzzle. It was different. It was a really smart puzzle and very creative. I felt like I had really seen something new that was challenging me in a wholly different way.
Crosswords can provide a sort of window into someone's mind that you can't get any other way. I developed a profound new respect for Melinda Gates with that puzzle.
Melinda and Bill are on our side, changing the world for the better. We are lucky to have them in this time with us. If only our government would be more supportive in endeavoring to amplify their humanitarian efforts.
54
"With other women employees, they began to create oases in Microsoft where courtesy was not seen as a sign of weakness."
Great idea! One question: were men allowed into these oases?
I've asked this question before, in real life situations where women has been similarly successful in carving out a space of humane culture. And the answer is always that women need these spaces to nurture one another, and that whenever a man wanders through everything changes. So it's back into the scrum with us.
It's a new question in the wake of #metoo and the 2018 election. There's a revolution in the air! Time to repudiate the patriarchy of old white men!
A great idea. These guys are frankly no better to other guys that they are to women, and feel they can grab and take what they want from us too.
But I do have one question about this wholly laudable revolution, from deep within an involuntary cocoon of privilege. How do old white men join up? The assumption all around, from media and workplace to the vibe in public places is that we are all the enemy, which is probably true, and that we cannot possibly pitch in to make a better world, which better not be.
4
So start creating these oases of comfort in your own workplace. Reach out to others and change the culture of your organization. Don’t wait for women to do the work, expecting to receive your own engraved invitation. Make a space that’s safe for all, and you’ll be appreciated for taking the initiative for change.
9
I admire where Bill & Melinda Gates have arrived as philanthropists. but I remember a lot of criticism of Bill Gates early in his big wealth days in that he did not give back. I don't remember exactly when he did a 180 but I suspect it was after Melinda came along. But it still is noteworthy that he came around to the point he is now. I think the wealth gap in the US is horrendous and getting worse by the day and can only end in revolt as oppression always does. But at least, Bill & Melinda are far ahead of most of their ultra rich fellow travelers in that they are significantly giving back.
13
In an 'equal' marriage it takes 21 years to jointly write a letter? I find that scenario both incredulous and a bit disingenuous. (Can you really claim that represents equality?)
But it also shows how hard it is for women to achieve any real measure of equality in the eyes of most men. Still.
13
Marriage or long term relationships are tough, no doubt about it, particularly when the partners both have an independent streak, are intelligent, and intend to protect their identity and individuality, as they should. To quote Khalil Gibran: "The mighty oak and mighty elm stand side by side, but never in each other's shadow." Kudos to Melinda and Bill Gates, not only for their dedication to marriage and children, but also for their humanitarian work and philanthropic deeds. One can not help but compare the differences in character with that of another wealthy individual who is consumed by greed and even hate. (Yes, you guessed who.) The Gates give, the Trumps take.
I would like to thank Melinda in particular for her empathy and action re the plight of women in the work world. It's tough, I know. We have two grown daughters, highly educated and with good careers. However, they know exactly, they have lived what Ms. Gates has also experienced and lived. On so many levels, this world is so unfair for so many people. It is heartening to know that there are leaders who walk the walk, and just not talk the talk. Thank you, Melinda and Bill.
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The poor man's offering of his last mite at the temple, Jesus said, was so much greater than other ostentatious offerings of the Pharisees.
I find the Gates's charity and concern an example for us all. They surely didn't give their last "mite" like the poor man in the temple, but still they're a fine example.
Andrew Carnegie said, "spend a third, give a third, save a third". Much more enlightened than most of the money hogs of our era.
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@Dan Urban
Wasn' t it the WIDOW offering her last mite?
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The “mite” was actually offered by a widow, not a man.
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I was/am so enamored of the Gates after they suffered the possibilities of trust busting from the US Govt. After that, they seemed to do a 180 to giving some back, in fact, they gave lots back. Much of it unrecognized. The new breed of billionaires seem only interested in "more and Me."
Where I see the Gates Foundation and other philanthropic idealistic groups failing is in understanding that cultures must be changed before real help can be absorbed and people lifted. Giving should be to help get a person on his feet, not to permanently carry him. Education is the only thing that can be used to address that real vacuum of ignorance in so many cultures and subcultures, even in the US. You can NOT get real education & industry into a sector that is dominated by a culture that is counter to that. That applies to my group, African Americans, as well as to many southern and Appalachian areas, also to much of Africa, Latin America & parts of Asia/eastern Europe.
The Gates foundation did tremendous good with birth control shots for areas of Africa but many of the recipients of starter chicken to start chicken farms only had some chicken dinners. There has to be enough desire and education to understand that help given is a hand up and not a continuous hand-out. Some are so attuned to getting continuous hand-outs that they can even get violent when effort is demanded before more is given. I was attacked in Dallas TX for this so I gave it up.
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One difference is around 1900 when immigrants from coming into New York Philadelphia Chicago etc. settlement houses with there and could tell parent immigrants this is the right way over on my way to do something. Today there is a government which cannot tell people how to laugh, and so how to achieve what is needed is not Discussed effectively.
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Ah, yes...Lord and Lady Bountiful. Nothing like having the rich, who never missed a meal, tell the rest of what’s important, what’s good for us and how we should behave. Even better are their memoirs telling us about the obstacles they overcome on the way to great success earned with Daddy’s grubstake.
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I admire what they have done. I also admire the minimum wage worker who kicks in $5 to a local charity. The poor and middle class are on the whole more generous than the rich.
Bill and Melinda Gates are exceptions. They give more than their money. They give their time and their attention, and that multiplies the effect of their dollars.
But despite the existence of a greathearted minority, a system that makes a very few so very wealthy, while tens of millions barely scrape by, does more harm than good.
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@writeon1 i don't appreciate the economics of giving $5 to charity when you don't make a living wage. That makes an inefficient system even more so.
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@writeon1
writeon1, are you saying that it is because the few are very wealthy that so many are poor. I know that you hear this everywhere; but, is it true?
There are problems with the power of the super wealthy; but if you want to better the lot of the poor, you’d better focus on the real problems, not just exercise envy.
We live in a society today that starts discouraging young girls from math and math based sciences as soon as they are old enough to speak. This is entirely consistent with a Trump presidency, although I doubt he can even add or subtract. He has "people" to do that for him. Everybody is focused on some kind of discrimination or equality today, except for the boy-girl math one; it is costing us a lot of creativity and productivity.
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I second what Nick Kristof says about Bill and Melinda Gates' good works, but I am not convinced that Bill the techie hasn't done more for humanity than Bill the philanthropist.
If I am right (and I am) then it follows that the harsh, male-dominated techie culture that Melinda encountered at Microsoft may be the solution, not the problem.
If brash, argumentative and competitive, with people fighting to the end on every point has so immeasurably enriched our lives (and has funded Bill and Melinda's philanthropy), then doesn't Kristof see that we need more of it?
Some people (women of both sexes?) will share Melinda's reaction to such an atmosphere, but hey it's a free market. It is our responsibility as grown-ups to seek out careers and workplaces that match our skills and preferences and tastes. It takes a colossal arrogance to demand that workplaces be changed so that we don't have to change.
Freedom of choice means that people will sort themselves into occupations, and since men and women are (statistically) different, the sexes won't be equally represented in every occupation. If feminists succeed in forcing every workplace to "look like America," then there will be a lot of mismatched and unhappy workers of both sexes, and a much less dynamic economy.
It is the countries where women have the greatest freedom to choose their careers that have the smaller proportions of women in STEM occupations.
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@Ian Maitland
"If I am right (and I am)..." while mansplaining women to women. Wow.
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@Ian Maitland: I fail to see why a culture that is more open to women would do more poorly than the "harsh, male-dominated techie culture". A company that is welcoming to 100% of the population will end up with more able persons than one that is only welcoming to 51%.
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It's nice to see a US billionaire couple with such a stable personality and decent human values. This is what we'd hope the US is capable of producing.
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Great final story except should anyone be driven to school? School buses for the country side, and city buses, bikes and simply too feet for the rest of the world makes for a much more sustainable planet, not to mention healthier kids.
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Really great work Nicholas. One of the best of yours I've read. Thank you very much.
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I'm not trying to be smart aleck, and probably shouldn't weigh in on anyone's relationship, much less Bill and Melinda Gates'. But I was just speaking to a friend about the process of driving my son to school. And then I read this article.
He was in the 9th grade and we had recently moved, necessitating a drive to school. My first thought was resentment. And then I realized that every morning I had an opportunity to spend time with my son without interruption. I relished that time. And miss it.
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@michael: I had the chance to commute with my daughter for a year and really enjoyed it. And unlike PHV, I think she did too. In any case, we have been serving together on a board of a charitable organization for quite some time now!
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@PHV Why wouldn't a child enjoy time spent with an otherwise busy father - if not in the moment, certainly in retrospect? Do you ask that question of a mother? And can people not express their own feelings, ever? Jeez.
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S North: "Why wouldn't a child enjoy time spent with an otherwise busy father ... ?"
Because some parents are not very nice. I could list some famous examples.
S North: "Do you ask that question of a mother?"
Yes. Sally appears to be a mother.
S North: "And can people not express their own feelings, ever?"
Of course, but in a relationship there are TWO people, a point that seems to have been missed by the commenter and two people who replied.
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Great piece on a great couple. I always have admired Bill and Melinda Gates as the most sincere couple in a very competitive industry.
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"I hugely admire what Bill and Melinda Gates have done to alleviate global suffering." Yes, they're admirable. Not that it would make any difference, I pray for their longevity, health & peace of mind.
It may sound odd, but I do pray for Pope Francis & Bill Clinton as he has done so much good for the world. (Unfortunately, he has been mercilessly attacked by so many. His presence of mind is poor. His off-the-cuff remarks can come across as atrocious. What can you do, his brain is wired that way)
Again, sounding still crazier, I did pray for Fidel Castro also. The contrast between him & the Kims is huge, can't be larger.
Then again, I may be crazy too. I'm a psychiatrist. My wife says, she has seen few psychiatrists who aren't odd.
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I hope the Gates Foundation will fund a research into developing a long term means of preventing pregnancy that will work 100% of the time. We're going to need it once Roe is overturned.
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@Cal
I think we are turning the clock back to 1970. Wait a minute..to 1950 if the SCOUS rules on a question on the 2020 census.
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@Cal
1. Current birth control methods already work pretty well but there's a difference between effectiveness when it is used perfectly (e.g. taking the pill everday) vs. how people actually use them (e.g. missing a day here and there.)
2. There are a lot of different methods besides the pill but I am not sure that women get all the choices, risks, and benefits explained to them. People also have misconceptions (pun intended) or preferences for certain methods. For example, the IUD is actually more effective than the pill, once inserted can last for 3-5 years, and may have less side effects.
3. Other factors such as access to healthcare, and various cultural ideas surrounding fertility, pregnancy, gender roles, religion, etc. also play a factor in use of birth control methods. Working in public health, I learn that good technology or science is only the first step in treating people.
4. I'd add to your comment, it would be esp. great if they can fund male contraception. Currently, there are only condoms and vasectomy really.
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Cal,
There is a 100 percent prevention of pregnancy that never fails. It is called abstinence. Ever heard of it?
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So you have the CEO of the company asking out a young employee whose career prospects are on the line, and nobody thinks that this is a problem? Or is only a problem when the relationship doesn’t work out?
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@Sipa111
Understand that the workplace, or in my case the university, is where most people find partners. I admire both Mr. and Mrs. Gates, since they both took a chance and it all worked out.
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Back when Bill and Melinda Gates got together more than twenty years ago, people met at work all the time and no one thought anything of it. It was considered more respectable than meeting people in bars, and when online dating started, lots of people thought that was definitely creepy. Today's rules about not dating people you work with have probably prevented some happy marriages as well as some problems when relationships didn't work out, but they haven't seemed to stop workplace predators.
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Great point, but back in the day we were all dating our bosses and our professors and no one thought anything of it. When I was in high school in suburban Oregon 40 years ago, one of the girls waited until graduation to marry her boyfriend, our math teacher, and we were all just happy for them. It wasn’t even considered odd.
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I'll start out by thanking Bill and Melinda Gates for their massive philanthropy. They didn't have to do this, and most billionaires don't.
I'd like to respectfully suggest that they take a 5-year break from international charity and commit to bring broadband to all corners of America. Maybe they could team up with their old competitor Apple to do this (and more). As it stands now, Apple is embarrassing itself by how little good it does for America.
And thank you, Melinda, for lifting up women.
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@Madeline Conant
Well, let's take care of people who are dying first, then let's deal with people who have slow internet.
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@Madeline Conant
And clean, accessible running water in every home in the USA -- including Indian reservations and Detroit.
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Their foundation is responsible in large part for bringing internet access to US libraries.
https://www.gatesfoundation.org/Media-Center/Press-Releases/2005/01/Grants-to-Help-Public-Libraries
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How refreshing to see in the Gates social responsibility coupled with tremendous wealth, and down to earth personalities married to great influence.
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@NM
Being that wealthy is socially irresponsible. Period.
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Bill and Melinda Gates will save more lives than anyone else in human history and probably already have. The focus on public health is spot on. Preparing parts of the world that are particularly vulnerable to climate change would also be an excellent use of resources. Another would be to assess if there is a good chance to develop less expensive water desalinization. That could truly change the world.
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@optimist. I’m glad you’re an optimist. Saving lives? Give me a billion lives to destroy and let me save a 100 million of them, NOT that this statement is absolute and applicable to Gates. They are just a symptom. The context is really about the long game. The lives they save, including their own, yours and mine, are really of no consequence outside that context.
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@optimist Bill and Melinda Gates at one point had more money than anyone else in the world. Does that mean they were the most qualified to do the "life-saving" they did? I'm talking about Zuckerberg and the $100 million donation that was essentially zilched to improve public schools in Newark. Wouldn't this $100 million have been better handled and put to use by the government instead of a charity? Same thing for the $2 billion Bezos put aside for his own charity to work on pre-schools and homelessness, when the median salary at Amazon is $28,446.
America needs to stop this culture of worshipping billionaires like Gates and Bezos. Every billionaire is a policy failure. Paul Allen pledged to give at least half his wealth away to charity when he was worth $13.5 billion in 2010; by the time he died in 2018 he was worth $20 billion. In 2012 it was revealed that Mitt Romney had a $102 million IRA, which is absolutely ridiculous, and absolutely nothing was done about it. Every system is set in place to keep the rich rich, including a culture of worship of the wealthy.
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@Alyssa Everything you wrote about "the system" is true .... but it is also true that the Gates Foundation has done a tremendous amount of good. This simple truth and what it might say about Bill and Melinda Gates as individuals is not an argument for grossly unequal wealth distribution or for "worship of the wealthy." Yes, a better world would not have billionaires, but that does not mean we must, as a matter of course, deny anyone's humanity.
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Having a billionaire dollars (or tens or hundreds of multiples there of) is one of the more obscene things in this world of fast dwindling resources, and massive income disparity.
Furthermore, we need to get away from the model of celebrating billionaires (and/or their wives/husbands) that do such and such with their ''trusts'' (subsidized by you the tax payer) after amassing all that wealth (whether or not by questionable tactics)
Having said that, you can support the author by buying her book from another billionaire to continue the cycle.
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@FunkyIrishman
What you say is true, my friend and while I don’t want to glorify wealth and fame for their own sake, I see that people who have both, like the Gates do, also have a great platform. That doesn’t make them better or more deserving than the next person, but influence isn’t ubiquitous. So long as it’s used for good, they’re good with me.
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@NM
I appreciate that and didn't necessarily attack them personally - just the paradigm. (I do know I come across as whining or some such thing)
I will give you an image. Imagine just one the top 26 (since they have the accumulated wealth of HALF of the planet) comes out at a press conference. They too say unequivocally that such wealth is obscene, and will immediately give it all away without precondition (no tax payer subsidizing, no cutting corners in tax maneuvers, no trusts) - just give it all away.
Now imagine two people doing it and the cascade effect it may have. They also say that we need to all work together if we are going to save ourselves, because money will not matter in the end. (especially in relation to climate change)
That would be a nice start ...Alas
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@NM
I agree. The point is that they share their wealth. And you do not have to be a millionaire to do this. Each of us can give according to our budgets.
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