Having watched someone I love dearly going through their divorce and be taken to the cleaners, my advice would be to absolutely not trust what your about-to-be-former spouse says about what their intentions are, unless you have first protected your financial position.
If they were a liar during the marriage, they will be that same person during the divorce. And then some. Read at least a couple of of the many available books on how to protect oneself and do whatever is legal to look after your own interests before proceedings start - you can give away more later, but not if your spouse is running amok after the formal proceedings begin.
Do NOT ask the other side's lawyer for a referral - dumb idea - their duty is to their client, not you. Hire a potentially aggressive lawyer, but make it clear you only want to set loose the dogs as necessary. The lawyer is your servant, not your master- you can dictate the terms. Don't make my friend's mistake of hiring a pussycat when your spouse is hiring a latter day Ray Cohn.
If everything ends up being sweetness and light, that's lovely. But my friend assumed all would be kind and fair, got mugged, gave away more than was necessary and did not even end up with his spouse or children's respect. Since she was presenting a huge x web of lies about him, abetted by her unethical attorney, she successfully caused two of the kids to shun the Dad who loves them. Horrid stuff. Be careful out there, folks.
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The last part is probably the best advice out there. Depending on your sources, the odds of a marriage ending in divorce are slightly less than 50%. Pre-planning is important. When people are preparing for the big day, they rarely consider the possibility that their "they lived happily ever after" story could end up going down like the Titanic. And far too many people think a prenup is strictly for the 1%. In reality every couple should discuss the "what if" question before reciting their vows. Having a plan in place and a clear understanding of how assets will be divided, child custody resolved and so on can save a lot of grief later on, just in case things don't work out.
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If you are at all even relatively wealthy, you have to understand that no one else in the system is neither interested in nor benefits from you settling quickly or inexpensively. Your lawyer and your spouse’s lawyer will create two problems for every one they solve. This guarantees an ongoing and healthy revenue stream for them. The time it takes the lawyers to settle your divorce is directly proportional to how much money is sitting on the table for them.
Also, where I come from, they mandated that I pay for a third lawyer who was supposed to mediate between the two of them (who were both already certified mediators to begin with). I was thus paying an aggregate of $1,500 an hour so they could make sure we argued over who gets the $5 flower pot. It’s kind of like Las Vegas....the game is to get you sitting at the table with your wallet wide open for as long as possible until it is drained of every last nickel....yeah, get a prenup.
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The reason why divorce is so expensive is because its so worth it!!
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Best advice I can give someone who wants to settle a divorce quickly and inexpensively, don’t marry someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.
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In 1977-78, I got a divorce in California. It didn't cost me a cent. My husband had an expensive lawyer, but my income was negligible, so I called the **Legal Aid Society.** They told me all that I needed to know: (1) If you are going to leave California (I was), be sure that your spouse files instead of you because the person who files must appear in court. (2) Edit and initial the drafted document and return it. (Moving the children out of state had to be clarified, but we had no real estate or significant property.) Months later, I signed the final decree. I know that many divorces are much more complicated and bitter than mine. I wish every divorcing person the good luck that I had. If you are struggling financially, call the Legal Aid Society.
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Interviewing lawyers can get pricey. It's best to talk to friends and see if they can suggest someone.
When you interview a lawyer, ask them if they work with an Associate Attourney. Research both of them (LinkedIn, Avvo), as the Associate may be representing you in court if your lawyer is busy. Make sure the lawyer has experience in splitting finances, custody, or whatever issues you're facing. It can be the difference between getting things done expediently or not.
I would also ask to speak with someone in billing. Some offices back date their bills, which means you could have a small amount of time to pay a large bill before they start charging interest.
The best thing to do, to circumvent much financial and emotional discomfort, is to get a pre-nup, as this article suggests.
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@Shannon A.
Get a good lawyer to draft and negotiate the prenup . It's no job for an amateur, especially not in a community property state.
Get the prenup done well ahead of the wedding date. A prenup signed under the gun of an imminent wedding date may not hold up.
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It would be nice if the article had advice on what to do in situations where one party wants to "meet in the middle" to settle, and the other just wants to delay, delay, delay, with no interest in compromise. The "meet in the middle" party suffers as a result of the latter's lack of interest in compromise.
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@Cate I would suggest a retired judge help mediate. That may help move things forward. Sometimes, the court can appoint one if you can't decide mutually.
Make sure you have good representation lined up before or during this process in case you have to move things to court.
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Then there is no middle in which to meet. Move the ball.
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