While volunteering is an important aspect of giving back to one’s community (and those in need in the community), the question posed is about financial giving. There is a reason most religions stipulate this necessity (for those who can give money). And in our individualistic and money-crazed society, it is essential to inculcate this value and begin a life-long habit. It is the least we can teach: the money/resources are not deserved anymore than those without ate undeserving. In other words, we are lucky or blessed and it doesn’t matter whether we have a particular empathy for a particular person or persons, we give our money because we are part of society.
9
I concur: give of your time, not money.
7
Is there something wrong with giving money and teaching that value?
11
I like the answer to the great grandparent, and wish more of us would encourage generosity in our offspring. Volunteering together is a wonderful idea. When my son was young we helped a family get a goat (https://donate.worldvision.org/give/goats?campaign=119351227&campsrc=p&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI2rHApMnQ4QIV0YZbCh1EHwNCEAAYASAAEgL6pvD_BwE) and later my mom sponsored a water buffalo for her 5 grandchildren.
Another idea is for great grandparent to sponsor a child who is also 8 years old, and the great granddaughter can write to the child. This gives helping a real connection.
Please don’t show a young child images of brutalized and suffering children- it can be traumatizing.
23
Since they were toddlers, we have taken our girls - now 11 and 12 - shopping for toys at Christmas for "children whose parents don't earn enough money to buy their children toys." We also make bags of supplies (granola bar, fruit cup, canned meal, hand wipe, spoon, cookie, water bottle) for a homeless shelter. Both activities prompt great conversations about gratitude, charity, and empathy for other people. Charity can be as simple as a financial donation or you can get involved and contribute directly to the need. As a great grandmother, please consider the latter and make lifelong memories.
37
I think the grandparent should discuss with the child what she cares about and where she would like to help. Does she love animals? An animal welfare charity or WWF or something like Heiffer that provides livestock to people in need might be an idea. Is there a local park, or museum she cares about? Have they been studying climate change or plastics in school? Maybe a charity that helps with those issues would appeal. Maybe her school or students in the same grade at a struggling school here or abroad might need help? There are also programs that for a monthly gift pair kids up with a pen pal who benefits from the charity.
19
I am interested in how many people write to the Ethicist asking how they can make OTHER people be ethical.
25
The people who are involved in affairs have no idea how devastating their actions are to their spouses. Our culture has become so warped that now the person who disapproves is the one who gets the side eye and the ones in the affair get justified, protected, and encouraged. Please. Enough already.
31
Could you ask your father to come for a visit at another time or is there a reason he needs to travel with your mother? If he can make the trip on his own you might have a better time visiting with your parents separately?
14
Perhaps the best approach to the parents is to ask each of them to come separately "so that we can spend time just the two of us and, Dad, I don't think you should come until you've had some medical attention". Sometimes we just have to be completely honest in a kind way.
17
Worked for the most toxic company ever in my career. It was damaging to most employees. They hired a higher up replacement who was to be my boss. He was to move with his family from Northern California to Southern California. He came first to find a place to live and get things ready for his family including selling his house. After 3 months the company directors wondered why it was taking him so long to move his family but I suspected the reason why. After 3 months he quit saying to me how unbelievably toxic the company directors and corporate culture were and was glad he never made the final move. After I left and had the opportunity to speak to him, he said he was glad I was out of there. Maybe you can suggest to the in coming senior employee that the best way to approach a new position that requires a major physical move that might include family is to experience the company as an employee first before making the final move. It can be just good general advice but maybe he can read between the lines.
70
The way to teach a child, a grandchild, or anyone else younger to be charitable is by example.
My father never explicitly said anything to me about being charitable.
But he was always ready to help anyone in need and donated to many charities throughout his life.
In now just seems natural to me to do the same.
29
Teach the child to focus charity on effectively helping others. Providing her money for this purpose is a great idea. Money can be used to support organizations that have done their homework and are accomplishing things to actually change lives for the better.
Too much charity is, in truth, done mostly for the endorphin rush of the giver, in the form of one-off actions that provide only ephemeral help to others, but check a box for the giver. The common refrain of “Oh, I feel like I get so much more from this than I give!” is a statement that is more truth than people realize when they say it. Giving money to an organization that provides housing can be less personally satisfying than directly handing a sandwich to someone who needs housing, but it’s a more selfless, more effective act of charity. A child who learns this at an early age could have a lifetime impact of helping vastly more people than one who doesn’t. If that’s not the most ethical outcome, I’m not sure what would be.
9
no offense, but does it occur to any
other readers that half of these problems
are about as real as a three dollar bill?
the people in these office settings
seem like characters out of a bad
nineteen fifties Douglas Sirk movie.
apparently three quarters of the people
in New York are having tragic affairs.
my advice to them does not require
a degree in philosophy: don't do it.
18
@Frank and don't listen to those who are and talk about it
6
Arranging volunteer opportunities for young children instead of giving them charity money is an excellent suggestion. In addition, adults can instill the values of compassion, charity and saving by having their family fill a collection box and donate the money saved to a charity on the child’s birthday or Thanksgiving. One fun and meaningful art project that does this is Houses for Change Learn more at www.familypromise.org/housesforchange
12
LW2: If your father is aggressive and angry outside of his comfort zone, the last thing you want is have him travel abroad.
64
The "troublesome father" letter is tough to deal with because it mostly deals with opinions and not facts. He is described as "aggressive and quick to anger" but we don't know if that means he sulks, or smashes furniture. He has "attempted suicide" (recently?, talked or acted?, pills or guns or held his breath?) more than once but refuses help or therapy. Prior trip cut short due to behavior (bar fight?, or complaining?). Mom and Dad are "still together" but "live separately", and nevertheless "spend limited time together" but "fight constantly". The writer is virtually certain the Dad will "ruin the trip" but fears for his safety if she fails to include him.
I'm thinking this inquiry is really a test for readers to see how many endings we can come up with after the story begins, "It was a dark and stormy night". My reaction is to tell Dad to accept help (which you will be happy to help facilitate) or get lost because you ain't going down on this ship to the bottom of the deep blue sea with him and anyone caught in the whirlpool of that disaster.
10
Re LW1: If you live near your great-granddaughter, why not proposed that you volunteer together at a local animal shelter? Caring for abandoned animals and seeing the work done to find them permanent homes can provide an excellent introduction to hands-on charitable work. If you wanted to augment that with some monetary donations, the shelter would of course be thrilled; your granddaughter might see how such a donation can directly benefit the animals.
18
IMO there's only one real way to influence your child (grandchild etc.) to do anything - and that's to model the behavior yourself. And involve the child if the child is receptive, but in an organic way - not as a set-up to "teach charity" etc.
Basically, you should let your child be your child. If you are trying to "teach your child to be charitable," I'd look deep within and see if maybe it is not more about your own ego - your desire to have a child who is charitable, so you will be seen as having raised a good person.
10
Suggesting that LW1 is trying to help his or her *great-grandchild* for self-serving reasons is shockingly condescending.
33
@Christiana
I am saying children will learn what we model for them. Doesn't matter whether it's their parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle, great-grandparent. I think it is condescending to think that a great-grandparent must be given different advice than some other relative. Why? Because she's old?
3
How, actually, does a grandparent “model” charitable giving? By listing all the organizations he donated to during the year? No. “Modeling” refers to behaviors, not an act such as making donations. Children learn this through discussions or, better doing.
5
I’m all for encouraging children to be charitable, but giving money she did not save up or earn herself will teach this little girl nothing. At that age, my best advice is to encourage her to become a Girl Scout. Troops often do charitable projects, and this would be very age-appropriate. Also, perhaps she could volunteer to visit, cut grass and shovel snow for an elderly neighbor.
When she’s a teenager, helping at a soup kitchen, volunteering as a candy striper at a hospital or an animal shelter, or at an after school program for needy kids would be great.
31
That $40 that the thoughtful great-grandparent wishes to give will go a long way to funding a giving activity that they themselves will learn something from.
For years my family has bought a back-to-school backpack every August for kids in foster care as a project through our church. Once I started to involve my own children in this project for kids of their ages, it came alive. Yes, my kids were engaged in giving. But much more. They were giving to someone like them, and so they wanted to include gum, erasers, stickers, whatever was cool that year—none of which I would have added. It became a much more joyful project for us and, I’m sure, for the recipient. I hope my kids learned something: I know I did.
41
Re: the toxic workplace-- LW, do unto others as you would have done unto you, especially with a major disruptor like a cross-country move. Would you have ever come to this workplace if you'd known what it was like? You owe it to tell this incoming hire what you yourself would have liked to know. That being said, you don't have to say "It's a trash fire, don't come."
"We're having challenges communicating with each other in ways that feel respectful to everyone-- I am looking forward to how you may help us change the conversation" is true, without being unprofessional. Same thing with "we're struggling with work/life balance and interpersonal boundaries, I'm excited to hear your experiences coaching people through those challenges."
Challenges, struggle, opportunity-- it's kinda euphemistic, but it raises enough of a red flag that any lack of due diligence afterward is no longer the fault of your active omission of relevant information.
53
@WWD
Ugh. Meaningless corporate-speak. If someone told me that sort of thing about the workplace I was considering joining, I'd certainly not come - but because of the ridiculous way you are speaking about it, as much as the horrors you are trying to convey so delicately. It would definitely make it plan to me that the place was hellish, I'll grant you!
If you find the workplace toxic, for god's sake tell your friend you find the workplace toxic. It may or may not change their mind about working there, but geez, please act real, ditch the HR-speak.
20
I took a job at what ended up being a toxic work place. People either did not or would not offer up an honest assessment of the place, even when I asked direct questions. I would have greatly appreciated some honest information and may well have made a different decision. I never told any of my job-seeking friends when opportunities came up at the company.
If this person is uprooting their whole life and moving across the country I think some honesty is due here. If they don't ask about the culture, bring up the topic in general. Ask them what it's like where they are, what aspects they might want to bring with them, and ask them if they have any questions about the culture at what might be their new job. At least you'll give them a chance to find out - it's up to them if they want to hear the answer.
43
Re: LW1 I don't see in the letter any mention that the great-grandparents live in the same town as the great-grandchild. It may be that they are looking for a way to contribute to their great-grandchild's upbringing from afar, in which case doing things together is impracticable. I'd learn what she loves (animals? babies? nature?) and take the giving from there, perhaps supplementing with books about giving.
11
Re: Not wanting one parent along. Plan some alternate trip or visit with the one assured to spoil the trip. Mom needs a break. Get off the manipulation wagon.
Re: Office affairs. Is this causing issues in the work environment disruptive to productive outcomes? If so, management needs to be involved as there are potential workplace liabilities to be addressed. Other than that it sounds like a soap opera of lustful desires confused with true emotional bonds, a human condition of misplaced endorphin control. Disengage. Not your circus and not your monkeys. Don’t jump in the pit of folly with these co-workers.
Re: Toxic workplace. One man’s poison pit is another man’s management challenge. You owe your colleague an honest assessment of the challenge, if you can describe it rationally and dispassionately. Specific examples of toxic behaviors and evidence can make the case. If it’s just complaints and backbiting, you risk your own reputation and offer nothing actionable. Meet offsite and be ready to have your version challenged, not just listened to with sympathy. A leader going into battle needs solid intelligence, not unsubstantiated stories.
24
To LW2 - your parents do not live together so you are under no obligation to include your father in your mother's visit. If it makes you feel better, let him know you would prefer to give him 1:1 time after your mother's visit.
Good luck and please remember that you are not responsible for any of your father's actions/reactions.
31
@Jo I would also suggest to split the trip into two: a first part just with the mother, and then with the father as well.
4
Tell your father that after he has seen his therapist for six months, and is also stabilized on his meds, you will happily welcome him to visit you. Until then, have fun with your mom.
69
@jona Yes! Enabling Dad is not helping anyone, including Dad. I have gone low contact with my family precisely because they refuse my help as opposed to enabling. It was my best decision ever and my husband and I are very happy as a result. I cannot manage other people's drama and nobody should have to.
18
LW#1: This highlights the problem of depending on private charity to ameliorate dire social problems, as some 'conservatives' advocate. You will get, not necessarily what you need, but what the giver deems good; an art museum, when you needed a soup kitchen. (Food drives, though popular, epitomise this problem. Everyone gives a can of Spaghettios or a box of Hamburger Helper -- cheapest warm fuzzies; what pantries need, though, is *money* to buy other stuff, such as perishables, or expensive items, such as infant formula.)
LW#2: Having a mentally ill sibling myself, I have to argue for the virtue of selfishness. You and your mother matter, too; and while your father's problems are apparently quite real, he is not entirely helpless to govern his behaviour. He is your father (as if you had anything to do with that! It's a condition that was involuntarily thrust upon you) and you love him (see previous parenthetical); but that does not mean you or your mother should be a martyr forever chained to his dysfunction. And who knows? Perhaps, like my sib, his problems are exacerbated by too many people enabling him, rather than challenging him to work on them. It's amazing how much better my sib does when, instead of just going along because 'it's her problem, you know how she gets', she hears the word 'no'. (And how serious were those suicide attempts? Is it possible they are a manipulative ploy to get you to panic and bend to his will?)
17
Great grand mother. I take you believe everyone younger in your family, especially the girl’s parents, is incapable of teaching charity so with a great sigh and rolling of eyes you have assigned yourself the onerous task. For whom? Your self worth, or your great granddaughter? 8 years old is too young to place the burdens of what YOU believe are valid charitable causes on basically a distant relative. Spend time and lead by example, not fiat. Guessing there’s a lot of judgement in the family.
Re:Toxic culture. Clear the letter writer wants new boss to come in to maintain the value of their stock options. Since you are planning to leave anyway, you aren’t concerned about the situation: you just don’t want your options to,lose value even though you are giving up in the company.
12
Having been the betrayed spouse in a similar, I take serious issue with Appiah's advice on the office affair. My ex-husband's office affair put me at risk of STIs and caused long-term emotional trauma. Had one of their knowledgeable co-workers told me what was going on, I could have limited my exposure to risky sex and had some warning of the bomb that was about to explode my life and that of my children. In this situation, the betrayed spouse is considering starting a family with the cheating spouse! The only ethical thing to do is give her the chance to get out before she is linked to this disturbed individual by a child for the rest of her life. I feel like our Ethicist has never, fortunately, faced the intense pain of betrayal in a marriage, or the advice would have been very very different.
157
I wish married people would think about their coworkers before having office affairs. The least they could do is keep it under tight wraps so that no coworkers knew.
I was in a situation where a married coworker was having an affair with another coworker. They were very open about it and it put the rest of us in a very tough situation. His wife would sometimes come to the office to have lunch with him, or join us for post-work happy hours that were open to partners of workers. She was very nice and we all felt terrible knowing this secret, but also wasn't sure it was our place to tell her, and also worried about the career consequences if we did (since the coworker was pretty senior in the company, it made it somewhat dangerous to be the person to out him).
It created a lot of stress and discomfort, and utlimately became a morale thing in the workplace. We all wanted to just focus on our work, but this icky scenario got forced on us.
65
@Itsy Married people who have affairs don't think about anyone but themselves. If they are not thinking of the physical, mental and emotional well-being of their spouses, they certainly are not thinking of the comfort of their co-workers!
57
@Itsy— maybe this is the toxic environment the other letter writer is upset about.
14
Regarding this statement on the office affair: "Absent your friend’s consent — or a clear and present danger of harm to the lover’s spouse — you have a duty not to tell anyone."
Well, an extramarital affair most certainly poses a clear and present danger to the lover's spouse. Aside from the obvious personal and emotional harm being done, which is very real, have we forgotten that STDs exist? HIV is real, as is herpes, syphilis, etc. To suggest that the spouse doesn't have a right to know that she's being put in danger is callous in the extreme. No one ever has a duty to be complicit in someone else's lies.
102
@Scott Agreed. If the cheating coworker didn't want the spouse to know, they wouldn't have cheated. There is no coworker code of confidentiality, and the "none of your business" approach doesn't add up-- both coworkers have already violated any kind of professionalism, have dragged the LW into it repeatedly through these confidences, and the LW should follow their conscience and let the wronged spouse know. The coworkers are deluded, and will turn on anyone, not just their romantic partners-- nothing the LW refrains from doing will secure the "right" office relationship.
The only reliable thing about a cheater is that they'll do it again.
30
LW 2 Who did you invite? I think it starts at that point. Did you invite your father to visit at the same time as your mother? If not, is he inviting himself to also come on this visit? It is your house and your invitation. Nothing wrong with saying no and offering an alternative if you wish.
22
@justme The brother's recent trip is a relevant and un-rebuttable "easy" out: "Dad, Brother told me that the two of you had to cut your trip short because of X. Once you've got that sorted with your doctors, I'll look forward to planning some time with you."
Of course, family is never easy, and it sounds like the father won't take it well, but better he not take it well from abroad than in the middle of the trip.
20
"That someone might benefit from knowing something does not impose a duty of disclosure on anyone who happens to find it out. " This could be the first sentence (or maybe the single sentence) of a large percentage of the Ethicist's columns, and many reader responses offering advice. But it would be good to read a discussion of when it IS ethically required to share information.
18
If I were a person being cheated on, I would want someone to tell me. Wouldn't most people? But now there is this culture of not telling which worsens the impact of everything.
65
Are you crazy? If a couple is considering bringing a child into the world and one of the pair is unaware of the duplicity of the other, your advice is extremely cruel.
This is an example of misguided ideas of the importance of keeping confidences.
RUN, DON’T WALK and TELL THE SPOUSE who is thinking of starting a family with this creep the true nature of his/her partner. As the child of a broken family, I consider it completely unethical to keep this information to yourself.
123
In the last example, Appiah advises, "You should be honest. If everybody thought like you, how could “due diligence” be conducted? People would just be calculating the upside and downside for themselves of telling the truth. "
In the example of the coworker who knows about an affair by someone who's about to get married to someone else, why doesn't Appiah give the exact same advice, "You should be honest"? Instead, he writes, "That someone might benefit from knowing something does not impose a duty of disclosure on anyone who happens to find it out. And other people’s sex lives are usually not our business."
He's giving the exact opposite advice in these two cases. So is Appiah for or against honesty? Is the main difference that it involves sex--so then is his advice to not be honest based only on prudery?
49
@Tiffany
His advice is current and relatively over time, immaterial. Honesty is always the best policy. History has born out thousands of examples wherein it is far better to tell than to be told upon. Tell. Tell, and clear your own conscience.
As to secrets : Secrets are a form of control and manipulation. There is no oath or legally binding obligation for anyone to maintain the privacy of anyone's situation once they elect to share it with another. Even the confessional has conditions under which the confessor is obliged to share the penitent's information. Does secrecy help more than it harms ? Who can say ? No one is obliged to carry another's private burden.
In all circumstances, honesty is the better choice.
What is meant to be hidden all comes out in the open anyway, and typically not at an opportune moment.
14
If you don't share the situation you're expecting a new manager to fix in the interview, how do you know that person wants to or can fix it. You have an obligation to be honest with that person for her sake and your company's. Why have a person move across the country to walk in the door and quit - and your problem didn't get solved. What are you thinking.
13
We don't need more charity.
We need a society which cares about each other. It's may be time to start working on the real problems instead of trying to do "feel good thingys" like giving to charities or starting a fundraiser.
9
@Two in Memphis Nonprofit organisations are necessary to help those who cannot help themselves, such as abused, neglected, and abandoned animals, or human orphans. You cannot tell a rescued puppy who's been used as a bait dog by dogfighters, a kitten left in a box by the side of the highway, or a baby whose unknown mother left him in an alley, that alleviating their distress is a 'feel-good thingy'. Maybe it is to you, but to them ....
27
LW#4 - One can be honest while casting the issues as challenges you would like to see hurdled. At the same time, disregard your potential personal gain. If your friend is indeed smart, s/he will put the pieces together.
4
@SMD Maybe, but having worked in a toxic atmosphere created by the CEO, I think it could be almost impossible for a new person to change it, senior or not. My former CEO had a habit of attacking individuals in a harsh way, such that most people were afraid that they'd be next. And often they were. Several times, a senor new hire became the next person under attack.
2
When I was growing up I was expected to give half my allowance, earned from chores, to the tsdaka (spelling questionable but it’s a blue box with money for Israel and other Jewish charities) box at Sunday school. I watched my parents volunteer for various causes including registering voters, campaigning for candidates, and giving money to causes they believed in. I myself collected for Unicef at Halloween and was not allowed to trick or treat for candy, only accepting candy if offered. My mother said you either trick or treat for candy or Unicef, you can’t ask for both. I think a child has to feel that they are participating. Perhaps have your great grandchild choose some of their toys and books that are in good condition to donate to a children’s hospital or shelter. Have them do a little chore for you and then divide the earnings between their selected charity and for themselves. Just handing them money and telling them to give it away has no real impact on their conscience. To this day I volunteer time and money because of the example my parents set.
31
The great grandparent reeks of self-righteousness. That is what he or she shows and that is what he or she will teach to an eight year old. The question is will the kid grow up holier than thou like this great grandparent or be so turned off she rejects any form of "charity." I wonder what will happen when the kid gets older and somebody gives her an Ayn Rand novel. Of course, this great grandparent will likely be long gone by then.
10
@Emacee I disagree with your contention people are charitable in order to enjoy a sense of feeling "holier than thou."
Perhaps you are taking this personally, and sense that the grandmother is indeed holier than you?
16
@MLChadwick
Or perhaps they have actually met holier than thou individuals. It does happen, they do exist. I could give you a couple of names.
1
Children learn by example. It begins by sharing and by being kind. It’s not that hard.
17
It sounds like LW1 is talking not only about teaching her g-grandchild about philanthropy, but also about helping her find joy in cultivating values like compassion, generosity, and commitment to action. That’s wonderful! Even little kids are usually at least peripherally aware of some of the sorrows in the world. They hear adults talking, catch some snippet of news, see a distressing image on tv ... I’d start there. What issues seem to catch her attention? Find out what moves her and create a way for her to personally connect and bring a little love into a situation she cares about. If you want to do it with money, try taking her to spend it on something she can present in person - a bag of dog food for the animal rescue, 3-packs of new socks for a homeless shelter, etc. It takes more time than sending a check but there’s nothing like the good feeling of seeing all those smiles, face to face. Enjoy your adventures in giving, and you for putting more care and kindness into our world!
16
Our synagogue has a soup kitchen on Saturdays. We encourage children to participate in food preparation on the 9 am-12 noon shift. A child who is old enough to put three cookies in a waxed sandwich bag and an apple in a brown paper sack is welcome to participate. We have a multi-generational crew of high school students earning community service credit and adults ages 22-82 who chop vegetables for soup and assemble sandwiches. Children do not participate in the afternoon shift, which is when the food is served to the guests, due to health department regulations.
Children can also participate in Walk-a-thons, plus donate the proceeds of lemonade stands and sale of toys they have outgrown.
27
Children are generous and loving by nature; they have a pure heart and are eager to please. How they develop after birth depends on nurture. Children constantly observe the adults in their life as examples.
Examples: Take time to speak kindly with a homeless person as you make a donation, then explain the situation to the child. Visit a housebound neighbor together and bring some joy into their life. Donate time at the Humane Society; most children love animals. Buy some food together at the grocery store, then take it to the
local food bank.
They will fondly remember the time spent with you while developing their moral compass.
17
The only thing humans are by nature is devoted to preserving themselves: that is not an opinion it is a researched fact. Children learn generosity and compassion by experiencing it from their care givers and seeing it practiced toward others. Great grandmother should show the way before handing out cash.
I doubt the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave ever experienced either generosity or compassion which is why he cannot now express either.
12
My daughter learned very early about generosity, and the joy it brings to the giver.
Whenever I had something sweet or yummy to eat, I would save the last piece for her, and give it to her with joy. This went on for a few months, and when she was four, she gave me the last piece of her chocolate.
She and I do all the time now and it is part of our culture. Generosity is truly it’s own reward.
21
To the writer who is wondering whether to tell a potential employee about a company’s toxic culture: you haven’t stated what your relationship with this person is. You have mentioned you respect them personally and professionally, but are they a passing acquaintance? A long term friend? I think the basis of your relationship matters.
I took a job at a company where a decades-long friend of the family worked. It was one of the most toxic environments you can imagine. That friend of the family was never honest with me prior to me joining, despite the fact I asked her prior to accepting the position what she thought of the company. Once there, it was clear she felt the same way (for instance, I learned she had cried in the bathroom multiple times). I have since found it difficult to respect or trust her.
I wouldn’t have expected the same honesty from a passing acquaintance I had only known a few months.
34
To the co-worker who knows about the affair, seems to me the person who is confiding on an on-going basis, is putting you in an untenable spot; as you now bear responsibility and would be implicated in multiple ways if the affair comes out. I recommend telling the confiding co-worker you feel something needs to be said to the new spouse planning to have a child--and if she's not willing to speak up, you will. (You don't have to specify what you'd say.) Also tell the confiding co-worker, you need to focus on work while at work--and you can't continue to be a sounding board; it's not fair to anyone and she deserves the support of a real professional who is also neutral, perhaps a good therapist.
58
@Ann: Except that by confronting the coworker, the writer put themself on the spot--and seemingly loves being a pot-stirrer, since they confronted the coworker and are now planning to tell the spouse. Kwame could have gone a long way by putting his last line first.
6
@Ann
Thank you. Your answer is far wiser than Kwame's. If I were the person in this workplace dilemma, my ethical compass would guide me in your direction. I certainly wouldn't accept being triangulated in a colleague's deception, and empathy with the betrayed spouse would make it impossible to look the other way.
The trauma of discovering that one's spouse has led a double life of deception and betrayal for years while other people knew and said nothing is horrendous enough. Some day this wife will find out who she's really married to, and if there is a child, she and the kid will be chained forever to someone who abused her trust, exposed her to possible STD's, and most likely treated her poorly in other ways that are common with cheaters of this sort. The wife deserves to know the truth before she makes a baby with this selfish infidel.
49
An 8 year old who has a pet, could be introduced to the idea of giving by purchasing an additional bag/can of food for the local animal shelter each time they buy food -- or they could go to Savers and buy old towels for the shelter. Our local homeless kitchen might not want an 8 year old serving, but the child could help make the cookies, or even carry things in from the car. I think there are many such "little things" that would more effectively teach compassion for others and generosity of time, spirit and resources than simply picking out a charity from a catalog.
36
Most Animal shelters welcome Children, even this young, as occasional volunteers. They must be accompanied/supervised by an Adult. Their main task : playing with the dogs, and petting the cats.
Enjoy.
58
@Phyliss Dalmatian
Around here the Humane Society starts 14 and up, 16 without parents, and volunteers start with filling food bowls and things. You need some time in before you handle animals.
18
LW4 - Your view of a company's 'toxic culture' might not be the same view another person gets. As this person is likely to improve the company it is reasonable to a assume that there will be other new hires who also do not participate in the toxicity. Toxic companies generally do not thrive, and someone begins to make changes and hire positive, functional adults. You can, if you feel so strongly, tell this candidate that you are leaving and that you are not comfortable. If I were offered a position interesting enough to warrant a move across the country, I wouldn't allow the opinion of one person sway me.
10
@Delee
"Toxic companies generally do not thrive" - I disagree. It's already on the record how toxic to women and minorities some very successful companies in different industries are. With the evidence, lawsuits and settlements to prove it.
23
In response to the first letter: When my brother and I were children, we were allowed to pick a gift from the Heifer International catalog, an organization that gives animals to those in developing countries for milk, eggs, meat, and other benefits. Not only was choosing an animal engaging, but there were books published by the organization that were geared towards children. They focused on stories of children in these countries, for example a little girl who could not afford to go to school, and showed how the gifts helped these people in terms that young children could understand. This could potentially be an organization to consider.
84
@Emily And here is the problem in imposing a charity on others. As a vegan and animal rights advocate, I would in no way endorse Heifer International or any other organisation that encourages humans to exploit other species as objects to derive 'other benefits'.
When my mother died, her request was to have donations sent to a mental health nonprofit we had participated in for 50 years. No donations were sent in her name -- but we got a Mass Card from another family, who had also called on the services of this nonprofit, saying that a Mass was said in Mum's name. Mum was (like me, and like her father) an atheist. Therefore going to Hell no matter how many Masses were said. I resented my mother being used to purchase brownie points a cheap space in Catholic Heaven. Charity? I'd rather they bought a sandwich or a trip to Atlantic City with the 'charitable donation'.
13
@ACW
It’s easy to be sanctimonious when you live in a wealthy industrialized country, isn’t it? Some people don’t have the luxury of choices.
22
@FlipFlop
Agreed. Veganism is a good lifestyle, but those living off of only what they can produce themselves do not have the luxury of B12 supplements and oat milk.
19
Can we not stop using soup kitchens and shelters as places to demonstrate our virtue? Soup kitchens do not benefit from well meaning but untrained volunteers popping in and out in order to serve their own emotional needs. Shelters don't need this kind of help, either. They need professional clothing that will help the men and women staying there look good for a job interview. They need shampoo and shaving cream and tampons. They need quality children's books. They need people who can help someone prepare a resume. Sometimes they need help picking up deliveries of food and other necessities. A good washing machine is always welcome.
You know what really helps the needy? Political action that means that they get the education, upbringing, mental health support, and medical care they need so that they never have to wind up in a shelter.
215
@Kaleberg Wow, do you feel better now? Soup kitchens always used to welcome church groups and other people to help or to provide meals and desserts...perhaps things have changed in the last 40 years and they are now run as businesses...in my experience children participated in gathering the shampoos/soaps/personal care items as well as second hand children's books and new toys at the holidays. Carrying in those deliveries of food and necessities was a good job for children. Political action? My grandchildren attend the Women's March and other events, but that is beside the point. Your attitude ignores the difficult and distressing reality that there will always be people with un or under-addressed mental heath issues, homeless, hungry, people down on their luck...just like war, it is part of history and humanity (or inhumanity), and as such the compassion of every single individual of every age is and will always be needed to help our fellows!
16
@Kaleberg Here's hoping that people who want to do good in the world don't second guess themselves and withhold that good because of judgmental naysayers like you. Organizations are more than capable of speaking up to prospective volunteers about what they do and do not need, they don't need you to shoot down all (potentially useful!) support.
If you're looking for people and actions to critique, there are plenty of far more deserving scenarios than people volunteering their time and efforts at soup kitchens and shelters.
27
@Kaleberg: So, the gift and the giver might be imperfect? Thus are they human just as are the receivers.
This isn't about celebrity drop-ins - it's about trying to develop a sense of connection and caring in a child. A sense of justice.
SO that when they can vote, they have a set of core beliefs that infuses their political actions.
15
I'm so interested in questions such as #3. In the situation described, I imagine almost everyone would want to know that the spouse we are about to try to conceive a child with is engaging in a long term affair. Yet if we were in the letter writer's shoes I bet almost none of us would want to deliver the news.
Is our perception of the ethics involved swayed by how uncomfortable and awkward we feel it would be to speak up?
71
I would gladly deliver the news. No one did for me, and so many people knew about my (now ex) husband’s infidelities. The truth set me free. Just not quite soon enough.
59
Seems to me that the best way to teach charity to children is not to endow him/her with cash to give away or teach him to rank types of suffering. It is rather to model and encourage *empathy*.
112
@Grevillea EXACTLY! And, it is well-known that children learn by observing the actions of the adults around them. I also believe that teaching young ones the notion of sharing from an early age is beneficial not only to developing social skills but to developing a charitable heart. There are also age-appropriate books, the moral of which is the goodness of giving and empathy for others.
19
Do not make a project out of charity, and do not make it your personal project to see that your grandchild (not your child, by the way) meet an empathy milestone you have in your mind. Kids can tell when they’ve been given homework and are going to be tested, and that sounds like what’s going on here. Here’s $40, spend it in a way I approve of? No.
And do not take a kid to a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen like it’s a people zoo.
You could invite the child to help you with something charitable and tangible that they can actually accomplish. A kid will probably gravitate toward something for kids or animals, so maybe when out shopping pick up food for the food bank or a gift for Toys for Tots, or do a fundraiser walk for a shelter or Make A Wish.
161
I agree the grandfather should take the child to a soup kitchen or to another local volunteer effort. His showing the child photographs from his list of the "deserving poor" from faraway countries (Sudan, Syria), or very distant US situations (the homeless) might well have the opposite effect of othering people who happen to find themselves in bad situations.
Re: the father: no, he should by no means come along. The last thing you want is him having some kind of meltdown thousands of miles from home, possibly without insurance. We have an inlaw who is vaguely suicidal and refuses even the suggestion of help. Don't let yourself be manipulated. Having parents visit you in Europe is stressful even when the relationship is good.
22
@Person Your first paragraph about the 'deserving poor' in faraway lands, vs local soup kitchens, reminds me of two literary situations.
Dickens' Mrs Jellyby spends all her time and money obsessing over missionary efforts to the poor heathen children in a distant African land, while ignoring the dire needs of her own family and neighbours right under her nose.
And Shaw's immortal dustman Alfred P. Doolittle (Eliza's dad) proudly declares himself a member of the 'undeserving poor'. Everyone wants to help the 'deserving poor', he notes, but he eats no less than the deserving poor do, 'and I drink a lot more!'
:D
12
Absent your friend’s consent — or a clear and present danger of harm to the lover’s spouse — you have a duty not to tell anyone.
I disagree completely. First of all, the LW did not discover the affair because of confidences from their friend. It was something they noticed on their own.
I would consider having a child with someone who is lying to you on a regular basis to be a clear and present danger - to you and the potential child. The emotional fallout can be great and life long.
Maybe other people's sex lives are none of our business. But what about lying and deceit?
106
@Debbie R
I agree with this answer. And if I were being cheated on and someone knew, I'd want to be told, the earlier the better.
Cheating is a damaging sort of behavior, and one that is only regulated and limited by word of mouth and social reactions. Word of mouth can save lives, time, and livelihood, and can save us from a bad relationship before any serious damage is done. This is why research has found that across countries and cultures every community gossips, and despite the downsides of gossip, overall it is beneficial because serves a bonding and protective function.
25
@UA I absolutely agree. I've commented on this a few times already because I feel so strongly about it. The absolute worst experience I have ever had is having to raise my children with my cheating ex-spouse. It is a nightmare for them and for me -- and it's a nightmare that will not end for many years. Every decision about your child has to be made with the last person in the world you can trust -- not to mention the kind of self-centred personality characteristics that cheaters tend to have, which makes co-parenting even more of a horror. The Ethicist's implication that this is about meddling in someone else's sex life is completely off base. This is about deceit and betrayal.
44
Another "should I blab" question, yet Mr. Appiah suddenly realizes that blackmailing your friend into telling the other party isn't what is right, ethical, moral or otherwise?
Miracles do happen!
10
#1 Humble brag letter, but lead by example is always a good rule
#2 Have your Dad come another time you are under no ethical obligation to ruin your time with Mom
#3 You are way to involved in this coworkers affairs (pun intended) and I think you enjoy vicarious drama. Back Off!
#4 Yes you owe it to this person you admire and respect to be honest and not drop them in the mud
46
@Marti Mart
Good rules of thumb in few words.
3
When my son was younger, my father would make a donation for him at Christmas, instead of a present. My son got the Christmas charity brochure from [not sure if I can name the organization] and was asked to pick from a small range of assistance, for example school lunches for children living in poverty, mosquito nets for people needing protection from malaria, a couple of chickens for a family in Africa, etc.
Children can visualize these items and what they might mean to the recipients, and be happy and proud that they were able to “assist” by foregoing one of their Christmas presents.
I also agree with what others have said — that volunteering and/or demonstrating generosity in various forms is most important.
18
For a young child, thinking too big picture can make the concept of charitable giving too abstract. It might be better to think small, and to do it in a way that the child feels connected to the cause. Rather than focusing on a once-a-year donation to starving children in Africa, look for smaller opportunities throughout the year in the community.
Running errands and see a high school band raising money for a trip with a car wash? Make a point to stop and explain to the kid why the band is hosting a fundraiser, and how important it is for a community to support people.
What about the Salvation Army Santas at Christmas? The firefighter fundraisers that are common in many places? Coin collection jars for various charities at local stores? Give the kid some money to donate, but don't leave it as "hand over this money"--rather, talk to the kid about why there is a fundraiser and why it's important to donate.
What are the kid's interests? Maybe they love animals and would be excited to learn about a way to help a local shelter. Or if they love STEM, they could donate to a local charity bringing STEM to less privileged students.
Outgrowing clothes or books or toys? Involve the kiddo in finding a place to donate them.
49
I teach my son how to be mindful of the need for charity by preparing everytime we go out for errands. I give him avocados, mangos, and small change to give to the children in the street. At first he was embarrassed. Now he's practiced.
27
Re teaching a child to be charitable-my mother constantly pointed out that children are constantly observing adults and mimicking what they see. If the adults in the child’s life are charitable and caring towards others, the child will be the same. Doing is teaching.
107
Re: LW 4 - I moved from NYC to Sacramento 3.5 years ago for a job that turned out to be completely dysfunctional. I can tell you from personal experience that had I known about the company culture, I would have declined the position. I was hired via internet, which I will never do again. It was a total disruption in my life to take this job, but c'est la vie. I stayed a total of 10 weeks (I gave 3 weeks notice, which was extremely professional given the situation).
In your situation, I think it is best to forewarn your candidate. He may take the job anyway, but at least he will know what he's getting into if he accepts the position. From the candidate's perspective, it is impossible to ascertain the whole picture of what they are stepping into during the job interview process; the company is merely putting forward a small sliver of the organization and that is the part they wish the candidate to see. IMO, you have an obligation to fill him in on the larger picture. You don't have to dwell on the negative, but at least give that person a heads up so they're aware. A cross country move for a job is a total life change; you owe it to him to be honest about the company.
78
I can't imagine an 8-year-old today being scarred by TV-like images of the starving, the maimed, the malnourished. By now they have seen it so often it has become meaningless.
It seems unlikely too that donating money you have simply handed her, or asked her to earn through simple chores, would have the intended lasting affect.
Why not volunteer a few hours together each month at a nearby shelter, kitchen or similar charity to establish a memory of time spent with her beloved grandma, helping others? You can be sure she will tell her grandchildren about, and probably repeat, that!
10
@wschloss Most organizations do not allow young children to volunteer.
16
@wschloss. People of sensitivity, whether 8 or 80, are affected by the knowledge, let alone images and audio, of other living things suffering. Regardless of its sad ubiquity, there's nothing meaningless about it.
5
How to teach anyone to be charitable?
First, to be able to tell an honest charity from a scam.
Second, to find out, whether the charity is not run wastefully.
Third, keep the donation records for the tax return.
6
@Tuvw Xyz These rules don't teach someone to be charitable. Rather they ensure that someone who is already charitable protects the value of their charitable gift. I agree that showing a child the beneficial impact of their giving in the community, through involvement in a food kitchen or a clothing drive is the right way to start. At Christmas, for a gift to my children, I also gave them a dollar amount that they could spend in the Save the Children or the Oxfam catalogue so they could think about what they considered the best use of the money. And although it probably isn't the most prudent use of money I am proud that they will give money to a panhandler recognizing that despite that person's situation they too are people and they are probably pretty desperate and need help.
24
@Tuvw Xyz
Reasonable suggestions for an adult, but the child in question is eight years old, hardly at an age where they can even grasps tax returns or accounting structures in charities.
Keeping it simple, to educate on basic principles is key here; the more nuanced factors you cite can come later.
23
My late mother used to tell me that all you need to do is to keep your eyes and ears open. When you do, you will find things that you can do to help people.
She used to tell the story. When she was in high school in the early 1930's there was a set of twins. One came to school one week and one the next. She thought that was so she pulled one of the twins aside and pressed her for an answer.
Turned out they only had one pair of shoes.
She took the girl with her after school to the local shop and got her two pairs of shoes and told the shop keeper to put it on her fathers bill. She told her dad and he nodded and said fine.
After she died, I saw a number of cook books that mom had gotten as gifts. There are inscriptions in them with things like, "God Bless You for all you have done", with a name I do not know.
Flash forward many decades. During a thanksgiving dinner I was hosting for the family, I mentioned that I was concerned about, as a man in his late 50's, taking a slot in a local aviation program. I have an interest in antique airplanes and wanted my certificate to be able to repair one myself to save money in retirement.
The slots are coveted. I have no intention of doing it for money. I think that young people should get those slots and it concerns me to take the precious slot. My middle aged niece with income 5 times the national salary, chimed in that I should just do it.
The lack of thinking of others must have her Grandmother spinning in her grave.
20
Perhaps your niece wanted you to do something you’d enjoy because she loves you. It seems like you’re bragging about how wonderful you are to be concerned about an unknown and perhaps nonexistent young person. Maybe she hears this concern from you too often. Do it if you want to or keep quiet.
7
Cultivating charity for a child would not best be done by reference to things that are too remote for the child - rather, immediate relationship is best.
33