I was an aggressive child, as well as a bullied child. Both were deeply distressing to me, as I couldn’t seem to stop. When as an adult I sought the advice of a therapist, she refused to discuss the aggression, saying she wanted to concentrate on my good points. Finally I found a therapist who can see the aggression as the residue of inter-generational trauma.
Shaming bullies - shaming the bully I was and still sometimes am - it never worked. Those earnest talks, “He’s human, just like you are,” made me cringe but not change. I knew that already. I counted on it. You don’t want to hit a rock, you want to hit a person.
Now after so many years there is the long, slow road to recovery, setting down a burden that I inherited.
1
It always amazes me how few parents understand the importance of sleep for their kids. It’s as critical as food for their well being. Most kids need far earlier bedtimes (this is key or they won’t fall asleep easily) and close to 12 hours a night, regardless of age. Try it.
I hate the phrase “poor parenting” soo we’re not trained in positive reinforcement and mirroring does that make us poor parents? Because at one point I was throwing everything I knew at my son to help him. We should remove the phrase I feel like that phrase is used to shame us parents, out there that are trying really hard.
4
As an early childhood psychotherapist, I have to disagree with the writers pedestrian contention that all toddlers are aggressive. Perhaps a citation would clear up this unsubstantiated claim. Regardless, the key to resolving this sort of aggressive behavior is to assert and maintain routine, structure and productive, age-appropriate positive discipline. Otherwise, a child senses the instability as a lack which leads to a melancholic rage that becomes articulated by means of aggression.
4
The article has a link to the study from the Journal of Pediatrics at the start of the 4th paragraph
3
This is an excellent article, but it failed to mention the way aggressive toddlers and preschoolers are often amazingly adept at spotting and then attacking the members in a group who are least likely to fight back.
Here's my parenting story: One day, when my daughter, who was on the petite and cute side (this will be relevant in a moment) was in preschool, she suddenly started not wanting to go to school. One day I crouched down in front of her and asked what was wrong. "Vivian bites me," she said. It turned out that several times a day, Vivian was quietly biting my daughter on the arm--hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to leave any marks.
My first reaction was anger, of course, especially since my daughter rarely if ever played with Vivian. When I told the preschool teachers and the director about it, they called all of us parents in for a talk together. That's when I learned Vivian had a new baby sister. It was fairly obvious that Vivian was going after our daughter as a substitute for attacking her new baby sister.
Vivian was treated firmly, but with empathy, and the biting stopped. But what I discovered was that our daughter had her own problem that needed to be worked on--the problem of being passive in the face of aggression. (Btw, it took a very long time for her to change--but she did.)
P.S. Both girls grew up to be wonderful adults!
10
Punishment should follow the misbehavior as soon as possible.
1
This article is packed with useful information. Unfortunately parents are not open to try and understand what is being said. Praise is a very difficult skill to learn as a parent. Especially if you were raised in a time when the consequence was punishment. But validation is key!
1
Check their lithium levels, with a simple blood spot test. Consider also candida and clostridia overgrowths in small bowel. It's the future of integrative mental health, really.
2
I was an aggressive child, not towards other kids, but towards pets. In my case, it was definitely because of my parents. They fought a lot and I'm pretty sure I must have internalized that. I remember hitting our poor dog for years and somehow my parents never noticed, though, I'm sure if they had I would have just been yelled at. I do think major aggression like that is a sign that something is wrong. It was not normal that I was hitting our dog, and I regret it to this day, though now I can forgive myself since I think it was how I took my anger out at seeing my parents always fighting. I only wish someone could've stepped in and told me how it was wrong, and helped me, because they certainly didn't.
6
I agree with distracting the child when they are behaving aggressively but I don't believe it is enough to get them to actually learn that what there doing isn't right and will lead them to most likely do it again.
1
I've read the article with keen interest on what the experts say about aggression and aggressive behavior in kids and I have no problem with the claim that 'some aggression is normal'. However, I do not find what these 'experts' define as 'some' and, consequently, I have serious questions about what they recommend, both as causes and methods for dealing with this troublesome issue. Another glaring omission has to do with the very unsettling subject of children growing up in dysfunctional relationships between their parents and I'm left with a feeling that these 'experts' and their studies have overlooked some very significant aspects to behavioral problems with children. I was physically punished when I was growing up in a proverbial 'third world' country and I am totally opposed to any form of physical, mental or psychological harm to anyone, especially in the case of defenseless children. However, when it comes to the many behavioral problems children display, it seems to me that it is very important that the experts look at every possible cause, including the relationship between their parents and other key adults in their lives, as factors in the accurate evaluation of these problems and their recommendations for dealing with this troubling subject.
5
Children and humans are belligerent? Say it ain't so!? We've been raising children for millennia, and these articles make it seem like it's never happened before.
"a parent might impose a specific consequence"
Come on, Dr. Klass. Is there anyone over eight in the English-speaking world who doesn't know that "consquence" is a euphemism for "punishment" - particularly when it is devised by the parents?
Talk honestly, Dr. Klass: "A parent might impose a specific punishment."
5
I remember physically accosting my younger sister on a daily basis until the day my father backhanded me down a rat-hole backwards; I never touched her again. Problem solved.
7
When my son was 3 and would strike out at me, I would say mildly, "You want to hit Mama? Here -- hit this," and I would put out my clenched fist for him to hit. That way, it didn't hurt me, it was mildly painful for him to hit my fist, showed him I was more powerful (an adult), and because I was unmoved by his action, he quickly saw that hitting out at me (and by inference, others) was not useful.
4
I know experts will say this isn't possible, but I (I'm 80 now (clearly recall the sensation of helplessness I felt as a very young child being physically restrained. Today I'd call it frustration, but then it was a wash of sheer rage and fear. Childhood is a difficult time, which we adults dress up in the mask of happy play. Sitting in a loving adult's lap, being stroked and spoken to with love, yes, that is happiness. having an exploring hand grasped and held, being picked up unexpectedly, being hugged and kissed by force, all these things sent a rush of adrenaline through me, and I saw that clearly in my own children. sometimes we must move quickly to keep a child from getting hurt. but much of the time, we can move more slowly, explore with the child what is acceptable to that child, and by example, show him or her how to approach other creatures. i seldom see adults treating young children with this kind of respect.
14
I remember reading in Bettelheim's The Empty Fortress (his rejected theory of autism) a scenario where a nursing baby might be suffocating on a too-intrusive nipple, would pull back, which would hurt the mother's feelings, causing her to be tense, which tension would be transmitted to the child. An expanding spiral of alienation would ensue. Then there's Arthur Janov, who noted that "the whole fetal environment, in fact, can be a poor one, no different than that of a neglected five-year-old -- except that it is less obvious. What the fetus is learning is that the 'neighborhood' is dangerous." If pain or alienation can begin this early, maybe along with them the seeds of violence?
1
Another tthing to blame on mothers, then? A completely unprovable allegation of providing a deficiently nurturing womb?!
13
Used to take my child to the park to play with other kids. A very kind boy, one day he hit a ball out of another child’s hand very violently. We wondered what was up. I watched him melt down screaming almost immediately.
From then on, I had my mommy ears and eyes up. I soon noticed that he became aggressive when he heard electric saws, dogs barking at a distance, jack hammers... things as an adult, I had learned to tune out.
I helped him by hearing them too and showing him that I did. Then, we learned to listen to them together, identify them, and mime them, look at videos of them. And the anxiety subsided little by little.
He is older and an extremely well-behaved, kind child.
Sometimes, just labeling it “aggression” is no help to anyone. It’s advisable to consider there may be a cause, as this article wisely states.
24
How in the world will that child ever learn that he/she is doing something wrong if you just redirect him instead of TELLING the child what he/she did wrong and why it's wrong?
10
@musicteacher How do you teach a puppy that biting and jumping are wrong? You redirect until they get the idea, and by saying "no."
3
I don't have kids, but I was one myself not too long ago, and I'd respectfully like to disagree with the notion that aggression is normal.
Horsing around? Normal.
Roughhousing between siblings of a similar age? Normal, as long as nobody's getting hurt. My brother and I would roll around batting at each other and then two minutes later go play with Barbies or Hotwheels or both, no harm done, no bruises, no scrapes.
Harming another human being or an animal, though, is a huge red flag and trying to "correct" this by distraction only serves to positively reinforce the bad behavior. Corporal punishment is counterproductive, too, since it normalizes violence.
What worked in my family was the following: if my brother and I were acting up, our mom would pull us aside and tell us what we were doing wrong and why it was wrong. If we continued, we'd have a toy confiscated for a certain amount of time. If we continued beyond that, we had a time-out.
Respect your kids- they're intelligent enough to understand WHY they shouldn't be doing [xyz] and a lot of them will quit if they're told they're actually messing up- but don't let them walk all over you. Spoilt kids become spoilt bratty adults and thus unbearable coworkers, cohabitants, and partners.
11
skramsv wrote:
"... a tiny tyrant . . . no respect for others and life is all about what 'you' can do for 'me'."
Sounds like a hothouse for raising children to resemble our current president.
7
That picture is disturbing.
3
Aggression is not normal. There is nothing normal about a 2 year old who revels in tormenting another child. I wish I had some advice. It has nothing to do with sugar or tiredness in my opinion. I don't agree that it should be ignored but i do believe that in most cases aggression is outgrown. I think its a stage of maturity to understand another's pain. Some children need more time and effort and parents are better off acknowledging that something needs to be addressed early on. Just a sincere and stern conversation will go a long way....even with. 2 yr old
4
Let’s be really clear. If your child is being aggressive, and you are aware enough to see it, ask your pediatrician for a referal to a developmental pediatrician or to a Behavioral Therapist. Don’t wait. Help your child.
27
Totally agree with J and others regarding consistency no matter what or where or how or who. Kids have an innate understanding about when they have parents in a tough spot - the supermarket or at a wedding reception or in church. No one wants an escalation so the behavior gets ignored or worse, rewarded. Meaningless threats are made with no follow through. Treats are negotiated in exchange for compliance. Parents count to three without a follow-up plan if the magic fails. The child relies on the parent being more focused on what the parent wants than on the misbehavior. The simplest remedy is to pick up the child and leave. I reared a daughter with autism and a plethora of co-morbid issues. I cannot begin to count the number of times we walked out of public places to go home, not threaten to go home but actually go, when behavior got out of hand. I planned non-important excursions for practice, places we could leave without abandoning the week's groceries in a shopping cart. We went through the list of expectations, and she got frequent reminders and "catch 'em being good" rewards. It wasn't fast, and it was far from easy. But she went from being a behavioral in-patient in a child psych ward at age four to living by herself as an adult. All kids can learn if the adults in their lives put parenting first.
32
As I sat in a pub at an outside patio with my dog calm tied to the outside and a couple of young couples with a ill behaved dog what I noted was they made all kinds of excuses for their dogs barking and nervousness. I sat here thinking my god those are the same stupid excuses I heard some parents make as they raised rude uncontrolled aggressive kids who bullied others . I have the luxury of sitting back and reflecting on how I worked hard was super loving but the most no nonsense mother you ever met ...my kids flew the nest successfully..they are kind, independent, self assured and resilient You have to put work into raising your kids and not ignore red flAgs. Your kid is aggressive, there is a consequence every time for that behavior ..I’m sorry otherwise your just plain being lazy as a parent.
This dog barked at everyone that went by and disturbed others dinning while the owners just ignored it. Don’t bother being a parent for the rest of us if you ignore the work it takes . My kids only want my friendship now. First step in being a good parent is stop making excuses for bad behavior and set real expectations and simply follow through every time .
20
You can mess up a child lots of ways. Some people are born evil. Try to fix that. - scott
9
@Gayle That sounds like something said it the 17th century. I wish I could say for sure, but you must have been raised in a fundamentalist home. No child is evil at birth. They may be uncomfortable; they may be ill; they may be bored, but evil at birth. No way.
2
If you think that aggression means bad parenting, you probably don't have kids.
11
@Michael Livingston
Uncontrolled aggression is, most often, a sign of bad parenting. Very few children have such serious behavioral disorders that effective parenting cannot overcome. And just for your information, Michael Livingston, we raised 5 children, all of whom turned out to be well adjusted, caring parents themselves. And it took a lot of hard work - not depending on psychologists to solve our every problem.
7
Dr. Klass's advice to "see a mental health professional" sent a chill up my spine. Twenty years ago, before I could have jumped on the Internet for alternative views, my 5-year-old was medicated after a year of therapy and lots of visits with professionals to screen for organic illness. She had 90-minute tantrums daily over literally nothing, and had terrible trouble regulating her emotions and calming down. She was violent with her dad and me and sometimes with other kids. Simple transitions from one thing to another precipitated wild meltdowns. She was a very welcome child in a supportive and loving household, but seemed predisposed to intense anger. The pill seemed to make her calm and happy.
I see with sorrow now how she should have had intensive therapy instead, and the three of us probably should have been in intensive family therapy. She needed to develop the skills to head off her rages and to learn how to behave socially. Would a child presenting the same symptoms be treated differently today? Are pharmaceutical solutions still common for children? Child psychiatrists know how to start your child on medication, but seem woefully ill equipped to get them off. What a terrible experiment my wonderful child became. Finally off the SSRI, as a young adult she has debilitating physical symptoms and may or may not recover enough to complete college or be able to hold a job. We trusted the conventional professional, and I regret that every day.
7
@Linda I'm sorry about your daughter. The unfortunate reality is that there are many different doctors with many different levels of personal standards (i.e., medication and when to prescribe it). And even when you do trust a "qualified" doctor (in my family's case, the head of oncology at the hospital where our entire family had been going for 30+ years), that doctor may not be one to trust.
I would say don't give up on your daughter. If you want something different for her, please keep going until you find solutions that you feel are the right ones for her. There are very good doctors out there, and you can find them. Good luck
7
@TimesReader Thank you. No, I will not give up. But I realize how we are at the mercy of the time we live in and what the prevailing treatment methods are.
11
Don’t have kids. Problem solved.
15
@Jax If you're not into kids, why are you reading this article?
10
@CB Jax is probably reading this article because we who are child-free are so often impacted by other people's little terrorists.
10
Somebody has to have them, though, or else who is going to work as the nurses, doctors, shop assistants, farmers, etc, etc, that you will need to look after you and provide resources for you in your old age?
9
Sure-
'Here, have an ice cream cone'
rather than
'Stop kicking that child in the face'.
Nothing like a little positive reinforcement.
7
If you hit a kid in order to make him mind, you are just teaching that it's OK to hit people if you really, really want to get your way. The best parenting advice I got was in Boy Scouting- try to catch them doing good, and praise them.
10
Yes I get the whole positive reinforcement but what happens when a kid does something bad? Ignore it? Then what if the bad behavior gets worse? Still ignore it and just continue to praise good behavior while doing almost nothing when reaxting to bad behavior. Thats no good. The kid starts to realize if they do something good they get praise but if they do so.ething bad nothing happens. So if you want to steal something you may as well try. If you dont get caught you get what you wanted if you do get caught nothing bad happens anyway so you may as well try.
4
@mjs
The theory behind positive reinforcement is that much negative behavior is to gain attention and that children want attention from their parents, good or bad. Children often do not get attention from their parents when they are playing nicely, or following the rules, sitting at the table, etc, because it's expected of them and doesn't stand out, by definition. So these children who need/want more attention find they get it from misbehaving. If parents provide positive comments and attention to children during regular activities (I love sitting with you to read a book, I notice you sat at the table for the entire meal, you are playing so gently with your brother) children are less likely to seek out attention through negative behaviors. It may not resolve all of the behaviors, but it is easy to establish as a habit and free. It can only help and cannot hurt. It also helps parents notice how many positive things their child IS doing.
12
how to address aggressive behavior in children? start with addressing aggressive behavior in the adults around the little kid, specifically his/ her parents. punishment is horrible interactive choice. if a parent spanks a kid why would it be a surprise if that kid hits other kids? parents are seriously tasked with addressing, especially their little, kids behavior with attitudes of love that directs the kid in behaving properly rather than letting the kid do whatever they want and them punishing them for it. maybe these parents were themselves victims of parental abuse. simple, continuous, and loving direction by the parent solves these issues, in the main.
14
This article doesn’t distinguish between “bad” behavior and hurtful/illegal behavior. A black and white rule in our society is that one cannot physically hurt another living being. No play therapy or re-direction should be used to teach that rule. An appropriate adult response is a solid, firm and unyielding “NO!”——all the other lousy behaviors can be addressed with an empathetic approach. But if that basic rule is not established, adults are ignoring a tenant of our social contract (as well as the law which will, ultimately, label this as battery).
15
CC, unfortunately, the only time it's legal for someone to assault another human being is when a parent "spanks" their child. I'll never understand why physical punishment is considered acceptable.
2
"Anger, yelling and spanking" -- so long as they are under control -- work just fine. Children brought up in such a manner have always seemed to me much better behaved and better adjusted than the alienated egoists that usually result from liberal approaches.
6
@BarrowK You are politicizing parent-child behaviors. Not a very successful approach, really.
6
When my kids were being twits at the playground throwiing sand at other kids, my favorite punishment was to either give them a timeout sitting with me or, if it was particularly egregious, “the healthy point”.
I remember sitting on the side and yelling at my son to quit throwing sand or he’d get the healthy point and he’d stop immediately. The other parents with me would ask what that was and I’d tell them that for 24 hours he’d have to eat exactly as the pediatrician recommended. While fruit only, no fruit juice or fruit snacks. Whole wheat bread instead of white break or crackers. Plain milk instead of chocolate milk. It was great. It seems impossible to offend any parent with that plan!
7
Except it seems you are teaching the child that healthy eating is a punishment.
41
Let's see, we have been pushing this theory for 40-50 years now and it has only increased hate, anger, and aggression. People have no respect for other people and worse have no compassion. We now have Toddlers ruling households because it will scar them for life if an adult takes control or tells them NO.
Distraction only emboldens aggressive kids. Timeouts serve as war planning sessions. I babysat for two kids I expect to see on the front page in a few more years. The only question will be in which one is dead. Their parents use the methods recommended and it has led to a tiny tyrant and a terrorized and abused older sibling. This is not a one off. I have coached youth sports for 20 years and there have been many families with a kid ruling the roost and expecting to rule the world. Even the vast majority ends up with no respect for others and life is all about what "you" can do for "me". We need a new plan or even go back to what worked.
17
@skramsv
"... a tiny tyrant . . . no respect for others and life is all about what 'you' can do for 'me'."
Sounds like a hothouse for raising children who will resemble our current president.
9
@skramsv Agreed. Distraction works for very young children, but at some point (long before they're old enough for organized sports) it becomes a form of reward, partly because many kids are looking for attention they don't get when behaving so they get it by misbehaving. Negative is better than nothing.
2
In very small children (like the about 12 month old in the photo) it's not aggression. It's just clumsy reaching out to touch without realizing that it might hurt someone else. Until 18 or even 24 months a child does not consciously hit or try to hurt.
It's very different at age 3 or 4.
7
I like to try something I learned out of the puppy raising guide for that young age. Apparently, when a puppy plays with his siblings and is too rough, they howl, look sad, and stop playing and go away.
So when my two year old is too rough by accident, I say “ow”, look sad, and walk away.
Works until they get older and you see an evil dominant snicker. Then you have to switch to the three year old techniques.
2
Aggression is normative? Really?
I don't know how that is founded.
I agree with most of what is being said and shared, but there is also an effectiveness when a parent's voice is raised with a firm "no" to the unacceptable behaviour. The follow up is important, but to cuddle a kid as if this is normative behaviour seems to reinforce the aggressive kid. Call me old fashion.
11
I'm really surprised to hear a Dr. or anyone say aggressive behavior in a preschooler is normal, behaviors are seen in almost all children. I can't recall any of my three children ever biting, pinching, scratching, or harming other children or animals. Both of my girls bit me and hit me when they were between 2 and 4. I don't recall what I said but it must have been something to the effect that it was wrong to hurt anything. My youngest child then bit me again the next day and I do recall what I did. I asked her to pick a place on her arm where she wanted me to bite her. She did and bite her. It wasn't a bite that left a mark, but I am sure it wasn't comfortable since she had never been bitten before. It was the idea that she could be bitten also.
Until my children were 5 years old they were allowed only 1 hour of TV a day and that was Sesame Street. I certainly wouldn't change that especially now since tv and videos are so violent.
I am so very glad I am not raising a kid today.
6
No mention of the sex differential with aggressive behaviors. Learning challenges are more common in males and the classroom experiences for females can be quite compromised through the college years. Pro-social behavior and positive family relationships should be part of every curriculum (also money management skills). Many parents are clueless when it comes to basic knowledge of psychology and respectful discipline. We are not "advanced" as a society if we do not take these matters seriously.
4
As a parent of three, the oldest now being 31, I found TWO key elements to having good behavior.
Keep kids rested and feed them good quality food, on a consistent schedule.
The only times we had behavior problems were when the kids were off their schedule due to traveling, or being sugared up by grandparents or a birthday party or similar.
I once watched a grandparent put an enormous bowl of ice cream in front of my daughter when she was two. Thankfully her own daughters gave her an earful about that and I didn’t have to say a word. But it wasn’t the last time.
Another time, the kids (age 6 and 8 at that point) reported back that ‘grandma took us to Burger King at 11am and McDonalds at 2pm’.
Even though young, they knew that fast food wasn’t healthy. No soda was allowed in the house and every dinner had vegetables.
Keep them fed and rested.
21
Deescalation is an important aspect of dealing with aggression. As several contributors have written, hugs can be an important tool.
One day I walked out of my classroom after I heard shouting in a common area. A red-faced teacher, his class standing nearby, was shouting at a child who was holding a chair over his head, threatening to hit the teacher. The teacher didn’t back off nor would the child.
The child, focused on the teacher in front of him, did not see me walk up behind him. I slipped my arm over his right shoulder and across his chest and gently pulled him to me. The child immediately sagged and, pressing his body up against mine, slowly lowered the chair. He held on to it for a moment leaning up against me, feeling, I think, that I literally had his back.
12
@Sketco
I don’t believe children who throw chairs, hit, kick, bite, and scratch other children or teachers belong in the regular classroom. Most schools now have classes that are set up to help children learn to deal with such behavior problems. As the children learn coping skills, they are allowed back in the classroom. Some kids flourish in smaller groups with less stimuli.
13
De-escalation is important. In the NZ school system, however, that cannot include physical contact, such as hugs. We are expressly taught that rule in our teacher training.
3
@Lisa Taught not to hug a young child?
1
It is very difficult for teachers to have to deal with violent disruptive children. It takes so much time from the other children in the classroom. Often the other children start changing their own behavior so as not to upset the angry child, which is not fair to them. They learn some empathy but sometimes they give up too much. I have heard teachers of middle school students say they are afraid to call out bad behavior in violent students as those students key their cars in the parking lot or find ways to get back at the teacher. The bad behavior continues. Classrooms need aides to help the teacher teach rather than just respond to behavior problems.
25
I found that a very quick, while still in the moment,
question:"What could you have done instead?"--
Kids are smarter than you think. Ask them to come up with options...
The adult question is "Can't he, or Won't he?"
You cannot penalize a 6 month old for not walking,
but a 6 year old who still bites is in trouble.
11
Only useful for children over 3.
2
@Zeke Black Not in the moment for the child with truly impulsive behavior. If these children had that kind of consequential thinking they wouldn't be acting out.
When I first retired, I volunteered at the day care center at a local gym. Kids came and went for an hour or so while mom/dad worked out or took a class. I saw so many parents who responded with hitting when their kids had tantrums. Often, the child didn't want to leave when the parent did, and acted out, sometimes throwing things, or hitting. Inevitably. the parent spanked the child. I learned early on not to say anything, because some of these parents got so defensive and angry if I did. I've never understood the theory that parental hitting is the appropriate way to deal with the child hitting. I eventually quit volunteering. I wonder how some of those children are going to grow up.
14
Just a reminder that too much screen time, any screen for more than two hours per day, yields a grumpy, fussy, fighty, child. Research has shown this over and over again. Sometimes it's not the child, it's the adults.
21
My son’s father left when my son was 3 and I was so overwhelmed as a single parent that, by 4, he was running the household. He was a mess, and so was I. A wonderful family therapist changed our lives when he helped me impose order (strict schedule, strict and healthy diet, plenty of sleep) and provided me with the skills I didn’t have to deal with my son’s anger and violent outbursts. It was hard. But the results were miraculous.
126
@Mary A
Maybe you can share some of the skills here. Mention some of the top ones, for instance.
7
The author’s point of view represents one theory of how to best address these problems.
Mine, in a nutshell, suggests seeking out a practitioner of Child-Centered Play Therapy. The child’s emotions are reflected back to them, thus bringing into their awareness what they are feeling, as well as indicating to them that someone is paying attention to them in a caring, respectful way. Invaluable.
5
I work with children of all ages in an open, public environment. When I see aggressive behavior in children, it is almost always from either over scheduling (particularly very young children) and too much academic pressure. Kids who have been sitting all day in school and then must sit with a tutor to "master" skills they will be tested on are overwhelmed and depressed. We really need to rethink all the testing we force on such young children. I understand the need to meet basic standards, but I think we have gotten too far away from allowing teachers to be responsive and creative with their class and students. This overtesting also makes parents anxious and demanding of their children to achieve and succeed at all costs. I know everyone thinks that these children are bratty and undisciplined, but as someone who works with kids I can tell you that is not true.
24
@MJ
Thanks for a great viewpoint. Over zealous parents who
pressure their children can be more stressful than a test.
When will those who clams these test to be the end all
wake up to the idea that these are children? Not 20 something grad students?
Games that teach rules, cheering for each other
win or lose, being counted on to be a part of a team or group, that’s when you see the real growth in a child!
4
@MJ Poppycock! Aggressive behavior in elementary age school children starts when they are babies and toddlers. I don't know too many of them who are being "over-scheduled" or under "academic pressure". It is ALLOWED by parents.
Children and dogs can be quite similar. One thing we know about dogs is that if they are taken from their mother at too early an age, they then often don't understand the difference between play and aggression. Watch a mother dog with a litter of puppies. They will be climbing all over her, chewing, pulling etc. Then one brash young pup will bite too hard. The mother dog immediately snarls at that pup and puts him in his place. If there is no mother do to this, that pup will grow into a dog that is playing with children and then suddenly bites the child in the face.
Actions must be quickly and calmly corrected in babies and toddlers. No "snarling", but a firm "no - you do NOT do this!" is appropriate and must happen immediately following the behavior. A baby must be taught not to grab mum's eyeglasses, her earrings, her nose, ears etc. A toddler also learns not to bite, pull hair or throw sand in the sandbox.
Today, parents merely "nag" their children, hoping for good behavior. Instead, they must remove the child from the situation at once and put them in a place where they cannot continue this behavior. They learn very quickly.
This is called "socialization" and far too many children arrive at school today, totally unsocialized.
9
@India. Hear, hear!! Would that both parents and dog owners properly socialized their charges. Why aren’t American parents teaching their children how to behave in society? Is it because many are having only one child, and then the child grows up with everything about him/her?
One of my grandchildren, beginning about age 3-4 showed signs of aggression and also some traits and symptoms of autism. As he grew older the autistic traits diminished and the aggression and acting out became worse and more frequent. He was out of control. In school he acted out toward other children and when there was no one nearby to assault he tore or deliberately broke and threw things. A gift of new crayons and a coloring book given to him at about age 6 was immediately opened, the book attacked with crayons and then each crayon deliberately broke into pieces, thrown as he sat there laughing in satisfaction.
So, what was the problem? In my view the problem is parents who casually dismissed his behavior and took no action to correct him, not even a time out. Finally during one visit he punched my wife and me, I spoke up and bluntly told my son that he needed to wake up and find help for himself, his wife and his child. He derided me and told me there was no problem. We stopped visiting.
My grandson is now almost age 11. After being called to school several times and being told that their child had serious issues they finally agreed to counseling and some drug therapy too. There are some changes in his behavior but he still acts out aggressively and violently. He has a very sinister laugh and sneer that frequently comes out when things don't go his way.
The parents remain in denial and have lost control and are afraid of their child. This child is a future criminal.
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This is a sad and common story. As Dr Klas’s alluded some is genetic. Maintaining schedules are helpful and good diet. Lots of physical activity. I also practice homeopathy and sometimes this adds to adequate treatment, your son might seek out a homeopath even tho most of my fellow physicians don’t understand it or even approve it. An excellent counselor is very necessary as well. He is an u happy boy, seeking help but doesn’t know how to ask for it except acting out.
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@Greg Gelburd, DO
Thank you. Appreciated. My daughter-in-law's younger brother suffered from mental illness and serious depression. Five years ago at age 28 the young man committed suicide. Though shocked the family knew it was coming. In fact both of his parents are doctors. Genetically this child may be at a great disadvantage. In our case the parents are also highly educated, UPenn, with advanced degrees in science, medicine and law. Sometimes it is extremely difficult to reach people who believe that they know and understand the world better than others. They did put the boy on a strict schedule and in an unusual move they enrolled him in a karate class to help redirect his energy. That seems to help. He still has a limited attention span and cannot be left alone. He's no longer aggressive at school but beneath the surface it can easily be seen that he is raging. He throws his toys and also throws himself widely onto couches and chairs. He hits his older brother too.
I believe that he needs even more strident attention and direction into productive activities. The parents too need better insight. I also suggested greatly restricting access to video games and TV. Fortunately that advice was heeded. We may visit this June. I'll bring Star Wars Legos. It may excite his imagination and I'll help him to focus. At least I'll try. I'll bring my guitar too. Music warms the heart. Keeping my fingers crossed.
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@Jay I don't want to sound like a scaremonger, but your grandson's traits sound similar to what was described about Nikolas Cruz. Also, how must your grandson's brother feel knowing that your grandson can keep hitting him and his parents won't do anything to stop it.
It sounds like he absolutely needs someone to help him with his rage/emotions, especially since his parents aren't able to. Maybe you can get in touch with some mental health professionals in your area and ask for advice on how to get him help. (start by asking a doctor you respect, call your local hospital ...)
Music and toys may help, but it sounds like he needs a lot more as well! Glad he has you to care about him.
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Three excellent resources for parents: Your Defiant Child and Your Defiant Teen by Russell Barkley, Ph.D., and The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. I echo the most significant point of the article which boils down to: behavior change only occurs when specific, time limited consequences are paired with significant amounts of positive reinforcement of appropriate behavior. Without that, punishment is totally ineffective.
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I worked 25 years as a school psychologist in public schools with aggressive children and their teachers and families and early intervention is the key to mitigating the devastating effects of aggressive, disruptive, behavior disorders. Another great resource for teachers and parents are The Tough Kid books by Dr. William Jenson ( University Of Utah) and his colleagues.
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Bologna. This is one of the biggest problems we have in our country. It is the lack of guidance and confident expectations from adults that are helping make the kids anxious. Children are not fragile dolls that can't be disciplined. Obviously, babies need patience and aren't going to learn from certain forms of discipline. But, as early as possible, your kids should learn what is and is not acceptable. Most will respond well to it. There are always going to be kids who don't. We have to stop letting the problems of a few dictate what we do with everyone.
It's so sad to hear teachers tell stories of not being able to teach a whole class b/c they aren't allowed to discipline one child who is untouchable due to the school's fear of litigation. I'm not saying at all be brutal with kids or beat them. But they need to know what is acceptable behavior from the time they are a few years old and be shown how much better life will be if a few rules are followed. They do need to see that certain behavior makes adults angry (I didn't say out of control or over everything). But, adults, who should be wiser than kids, don't teach kids what is expected, we will end up with even more insecure and angry messes, who don't know what's okay. Why should they if no one teaches them that bad behavior has consequences?
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Agreed. Some behaviors should not be tolerated. Others can be worked with...I mean, if my spouse starts hitting me when he’s angry, I would divorce him. If he complains and is difficult, I work with him. Adults are dangerously deluded if they apply fundamentally different standards to different aged human beings.
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@CC: I agree that some behaviors should not be tolerated. But how do you "divorce" a physically aggressive kid?
Fundamentally different standards of tolerance and punishment are necessary when young children are involved.
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Bologna.
Read Alison Gopnik to discover who children are. They are a lot different than you think. Your methods never did work the way you believe they did. Recent brain science, and ingenious research is clearly demonstrating that most of us have been getting children wrong all along.
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I typically appreciate Dr. Klass's reporting, but this article misses the mark and doesn't address the national crisis currently faced by educators relating to students' aggressive behavior in the classroom - particularly students in the elementary grades. This aggression is not limited to child-upon-child aggression. I am a kindergarten teacher, and I have been kicked, hit, spit upon, had objects thrown at me, and had property destroyed in my classroom. Were it up to me, this story would be moved above the fold because I don't think the public has an understanding of how pervasive teacher assault is and how much violent and aggressive student behavior occurs in today's classrooms. This is an issue that goes way beyond toddlers biting and kicking during a tantrum." ..."support for the teacher" is a crucial idea in this article. In my state of Connecticut, aggressive student behavior - particularly in elementary classrooms - has negatively impacted teaching and learning to such a degree that the Connecticut Education Association is working to pass legislation that protects students and teachers from dangerous situations in the classroom and provides support and services for aggressive students. Even as young as 5 and 6 years old, we have students come to school with pre-existing patterns of aggressive behavior. It is not uncommon for classrooms to contain multiple students with severe behavioral issues, and there is very little meaningful support given to teachers.
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Another great article for us to contemplate. As a family physician I am going to make a template for my parents to give out. I find that for parents who grew up with their own parents who used quick responses of screaming at them, it is hard for them to understand the idea of planning for the next child’s outburst. Screaming is so innate for some of us when this was how we grew up. Additionally, making sure children don’t eat much sugar is a must and keeping to a sleep schedule. We as adults could learn the same. Thank you
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It is also worth looking at how the parents treat sleep and family schedules. Our 2-year old nephew was an absolute monster, not just in our view, but in that of anyone who spent any time with him. When we spent a few days with him and his family, it was easy to see why. They didn’t believe in any sort of “schedules,” including sleep. The poor child was absolutely sleep-deprived and “wired.” They seemed clueless as to the need for consistency, sleep, and coherence of any sort. Once a good pediatrician worked with them to help them understand that they weren’t stifling him by building in consistency, he became a changed child.
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@J. You and other commenters bring up a good point, which is when a child has behavioral issues that are ignored by the parents, no one wants to be with the child. He or she then loses out on valuable time building relationships with family and friends, a double punishment for the child.
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Since 2012 I have studied and written about children’s learning and interactions with each other in natural environments. My focus has largely been on Outdoor Classrooms, natural spaces designed for children.
Without exception, I have learned two basics from early childhood educators who replace their traditional playgrounds with outdoor classrooms: curiosity and learning go up, antisocial behaviors go down. No exceptions.
Teachers who had been playground monitors are freed to become co-learners with the children. Under the right conditions, an outdoor classroom can transform a school.
These are not “classrooms” in the traditional indoor school model. They are outdoor areas, filled with natural materials, tools (such as magnifying glasses, spades, etc.), and activity areas in which children can explore and discover nature while expressing their learning. Such areas include a building area (which could have blocks made from from tree branches), a music area (with simple instruments, such as hand drums and shakers), an art table, an area for large constructions made of tree branches, a small stage, a mud/water exploration area, and more.
Nature fascinates young children when they have room to move, materials to explore, and the means to express their learning through art, building, music, play, etc.
When they choose what to explore, who to play with, how to express their discoveries, and when to consult the educators; problem behaviors diminish significantly.
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@Dex absolutely agree. BUT, you must have a trained selection of adults. I have, as an elementary school administrator tried relentlessly for my staff to do this. We have a land lab, four ducks, raised beds for sowing, digging, and enjoying, prepared lesson plans and it has been practically impossible to get things implemented without my specific requirement to do so. Why? Th e reason I am given, and it has weight, is that they are having to spend so much of classroom time administering assessments, intervening so the next assessment goes better, administering high stake testing on which their own evaluations depend, etc., etc. I am from Ohio, where testing has run amuck.
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Eva, thank you for your response. From having spoken with many, many educators from around the country; from suburban to inner city schools, I can only offer the following observations.
1. When given a nature rich space with ample materials and the means to express themselves in their many innate languages (art, drama, building, etc.) children will learn on their own and seek adults as consultants.
2. In this environment, curriculum can often constrain learning. The wise teacher understands the learning inherent in play, and scaffolds this.
3. Children in these environments play together based on their interests. We see far less aggressive play, more gender mixing, and an increase in self-motivated learning.
4. Although many educators will take notes of their observations of the children’s play, formalized curricular assessment is not part of this time.
5. To escape the curricular and assessment confines of required mandates, simply have this time replace typical playground time.
I am currently working on a story of an early childhood education center in an inner-city location. It has adopted both a Reggio Emilia inspired approach to learning, and an Outdoor Classroom. Only two of her educators have a masters degree in education. Children’s behaviors went from competitive to cooperative, and their educational assessment scores have risen dramatically. She considers her school, students, and educators as having been transformed.
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@Dex I'm the director of a preschool program and you are 100% correct about the importance of an outdoor classroom. We have boulders to jump off of, tree stumps to sit on and jump over, a sand hut, raised garden beds... you get the picture. The children mostly solve their own conflicts, work together to meet common goals and challenge themselves daily. Our classroom is Reggio Emilia inspired and we are all about inquiry based learning. I am lucky to work in a non profit agency that understands the importance of this work. It's so much harder to try and make changes within the current public system which is so focused on outcomes that some do damage just trying to meet testing requirements. For some inspiration about teaching school aged kids, take a look at the John Hunt Ted talk or video about his world peace game. It gives me hope.
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Not a parent, but perhaps that makes me more objective. I was a nanny for 4 years, and am the aunt to 30, with more on the way. I've seen the gamut of personalities and parenting styles, and have come to a few conclusions. First, corporal punishment never works. Second, all the parenting styles and calm, considered responses to aggressive, angry behavior can't fully address that some children are clearly predisposed genetically to be more sensitive and quick to anger, and resort to aggression and world-class tantrums. The saddest thing to me is to see dedicated parents blaming themselves and compare their kids to others who are not genetically predisposed to reacting angrily when thwarted or frustrated. I can also confirm that the more aggressive kids turned into fine, successful, passionate adults and grew out of the physical aggression but many continued to need help in learning to navigate negative emotions so they could respond in a socially acceptable way. While it helps to model calm responses and talk through feelings, some children simply are not predisposed to think before they act as well as others. That doesn't mean giving up on them, but it takes consistent and persistent work with children who are more quick to anger to walk them through how to deal with their rage response, and give them tools, and be clear about expectations and what they'll be experiencing in new situations. Kids don't enjoy being this way. They need adult help in navigating anger.
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Your nieces and nephews, and the families who worked with you, are lucky. It’s helpful to know that not all children are exactly the same. As the child of a spirited 2.5 year old who has fortunately seem to grown out of aggression, but still has very strong emotional reactions to things that frustrate her, I often blame myself.
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@Wickster
From start to finish, an absolutely spot-on set of observations and suggestions.
If you have a child who behaves aggressively and/or impulsively by nature, re-read Wickster’s comments. Take them to heart. They will help you.
Two additions. (The first may simply be a reframing of one of W’s observations.)
1. Observe what comes naturally to non-aggressive, non-impulsive, or non-reactive child; then, teach your child to do what comes naturally to that other child. For example, the not-prone-to aggression child might first remain fairly motionless when a typical prompt (such as toy-taking) takes place. Work to teach your child to pay attention to keeping his/her arms and feet still when someone takes a toy away. Your child can then begin to recognize and assign words to what s/he feels as a result of the toy being taken.
2. Recognize that often, the same stronger-than-typical strength of feeling that surfaces in your child is not discriminatory: s/he feels — for example — love and sadness more strongly, too. This is the gift side of the impulsiveness and/or reactivity inherent in your child. Nurture the gift. And use it to teach empathy for the (real or hypothetical) target of your child’s hurtful behaviors.
You can raise a child who brings light to others.
For what it’s worth, I am writing from experience.
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As the mother of a very anxious, quick to anger, very sweet kid, this comment gives me so much hope and joy.
My wife and I see our kid on his best and worst days and know what an amazing person he is. We also know how awful it is to live with the behaviors that come out when he has a bad day (2-3 days a week).
It’s a rollercoaster. Knowing that others have taken the ride, too, and come out the other side is just wonderful.
Thank you.
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Can you recommend some resources for these matters (e.g., reading/study materials, associations, etc) ? Thank you!!
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Landreth, Choices Cookies and Kids
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Lol! Try being a teacher of elementary-age kids where every parent had varying approaches to aggression. It was a nightmare. My approach was to set expectations with the class early on and then daily at each morning meeting. Super straightforward. Most of the physical violence we see in the schools happens on the bus and on the playground out of view. This has been documented ad nauseum. I would address this in class, of course, but what I found more challenging were the smaller "micro agressions" and exclusionary behavior that caused enormous distress precisely because it was often subtle and hard to prove. Throw in due process and it became increasingly difficult to address problems-even smaller ones- in class. Educators and parents are more aware of this now, but we have a long way to go. Oftentimes the teacher helps it along- perhaps unwittingly or due to their own vanity, often showcasing the most popular kids, and giving less attention to the quiet students, etc. It goes fairly deep and it's VERY damaging to children. I had to deal with the fallout. Creating an environment where all kids are valued and cared for sounds easy, but requires daily work. Teachers/administrators NEED to take classes and watch videos on this too. Later in my career when I was a "guest teacher" in middle and high school, I would discuss and demonstrate various forms of bullying behaviors and each time you could have heard a pin drop. The hardcore bullies and entitled types hated it, of course.
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Great comments about the CDC videos, the need for readily available on line or on demand materials for parents on how to effectively cope. They have had programs (Triple P) like this in Australia and UK. It would be nice if Comcast or Netflix, or a major network (CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox) could do this? Perhaps a mission for one of the Silicon Valley based charitable foundations to fund?
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Modeling how I want my son to respond has been the most effective. If I respond with aggression, like yelling, that just teaches him that agression is the way to respond. I was spanked a lot a a child and vowed I would never spank my own. My father was spanked a lot as a child as was his. It was time to kill that family tradition
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@bcb
Nothing wrong with spanking. Children remember that more than simple reminders. It’s worked for many generations and it’s needed now more than ever which is evident in the current younger generations.
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@There
I understand that you believe this, but that doesn't necessarily make it true.
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@There. There is a lot wrong with spanking. It's abuse and thankfully we live in an age where apologists for child abuse can be called out.
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Recently at my child's preschool, a 3 year old boy was drummed out because of parental intolerance for his aggressive behavior. His father was struggling to cope with this behavior, and didn't know what to do. It was disappointing to see how little understanding and empathy we have for families going through this experience, and how much blame can be leveled on such a young person. I can't help but think that this reflects how easily people with behavioral issues are marginalized in this country, both to their detriment as well as ours.
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@Nicole Your anecdote raises many important issues. What was the level of aggressive behavior seen in the 3-year-old? Were classmates being physically injured? Repeatedly? Presumably the preschool teacher(s) tried interventions to lessen/eliminate the aggressive behaviors. What did they try and for how long? What were the results? Your anecdote gets to the heart of why we need more attention and resources directed toward aggressive student behaviors. From my experience as an educator, we see more and more children who display behaviors that are not easily or quickly "fixed". Often these children require individualized and intensive interventions to address their negative behaviors. Is it always realistic to presume that teachers (some of whom may not have received adequate training in behavior modification practices) can accomplish this in the course of teaching the rest of their class without support? I am not advocating "[drumming] out" students who display challenging behaviors but am trying to shed some light on how challenging this issue can be for educators. How should teachers respond to the parents who complain when their child comes home from school and says they were hurt by a classmate? Most parents, in my experience, are understanding when small, isolated aggressions happen in the early grades, but they quickly grow concerned when the aggression is more serious and repeated. How much aggression are "we" willing to tolerate as we help the aggressive student?
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If other children are being physically hurt, then, yes, the child must go.
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“If you’re worried that your child is having significant behavioral issues, see a mental health professional,” Dr. Anderson said. Research shows, he said, that parents often wait years from the time they know something is wrong before they seek help.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness of New York City (NAMI NYC) offers a free class, NAMI Basics, specially designed for parents and caregivers of adolescents and teenagers who are experiencing emotional/behavioral issues. We have found that many of the parents who take our Basics class have seen challenging behaviors in their child or teen for quite some time, but haven’t known where to turn. It’s very important to talk with your child’s pediatrician about these behaviors, as they may be signs of mental health conditions. The sooner any mental health issues are identified, the sooner they can be addressed and treated. Understanding mental health conditions arms caregivers with the information they need to talk with their child’s doctor, as well as the school. We also know that teaching parents or other family caregivers about what they can do to support their child – and simultaneously take care of themselves – can make a tremendous difference in improving the life of the child, and of the family as a whole. To learn more about NAMI NYC's free programs and services, visit www.naminyc.org or call our Helpline at 212-684-3264.
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@Matt it's not so easy to find a qualified professional, who is covered by your insurance, and has availability after school. There are not enough child psychiatrists in this country, either.
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I agree on the fact that aggressive behavior doesn't have to do with bad parenting. There is an extent when parents seriously cannot control their child, and need to get them help.
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I am long past the time of dealing with my own young children. At one point in time, when my siblings and I had a gaggle of offspring the same toddler age, there were two who were noticeably more physically aggressive than the others. When these two weren't getting what they wanted, they would attack the more passive children and make them cry. I wondered at the time what kind of monstrous adult personalities these tiny marauding Attilas would develop into.
If it makes anyone currently dealing with such issues feel better, our two young aggressors grew up to be very well-behaved nice people, just like their cousins. Light is at the end of the tunnel, so hang in there.
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@Madeline Conant Thank you -- it does. Appreciate you adding this when you didn't need to.
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@Madeline Conant Truly could not appreciate this comment more. In the exact same boat and feeling some hope reading this.
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@Madeline
And what were the effects on the children who were being attacked? Did anyone stand up for them?
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Teach children to talk and require them to express their needs verbally. Too many times you hear a child shrieking or screaming. The only excuse for this is being over tired when a little one is completely out of sorts. Otherwise, teach a child to find delight in many things and their energy can be put to good use.
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Perhaps they already exist, but if not, there should be high quality videos available that show various over-aggressive actions by children and how effective interventions by highly trained psychologists manage the situation and back up the tapes with research.
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@A Goldstein. When one of your children is biting, kicking, or hitting the other, you don't stop and snap a photo.
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@A Goldstein The CDC has a great set of tools for parents, including videos! https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/videos/index.html
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@Anna Freeman Maybe you should. Can you imagine having to look at a video of yourself having a tantrum? Wow! Wish I'd thought of it. Actually, my children didn't become aggressive when frustrated. But it's a fabulous idea.
In my experience so far (my kids are 3 and 5), anger begets anger. If you respond with yelling, dragging, punishing etc (or even hitting/spanking for those who do it - I don't) it only escalates and provokes more misbehavior from the child, in an endless loop of power struggles. I'm not perfect and I can't say I don't yell, but I can say for sure that it has never resolved the issue or even helped temporarily in the moment. It's just a release for the parent. The hardest part for me, in those moments, is maintaining control of myself, not so much controlling the child. I think that's where child abuse comes from. Kids know how to push your buttons, so keeping your cool should be priority #1. From there, you can handle the rest much better. And it models the correct response for the kids, too. Seeing you do it teaches them how to do it themselves.
On the days when I manage to keep my cool, I can always resolve a blow-up or melt-down in a peaceful way with the only thing that works - hugs and talking. Seriously, that is the ONLY thing that can bring them down from wild beasts to cooperative humans. It works every single time, provided that I can keep my own self from exploding. Hug first, to calm the emotions down. Once calm, have a long talk about proper behavior, cooperation, the golden rule etc.
My kids still have the occasional episode (they're only human). But this approach has made them a lot more cooperative, manageable and just plain kind, than any other kids we know.
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@Nefertiti
I bet your kids are the cutest kids you know to, huh?
On a more serious note, I am with you though. My kids are 5 and almost 3. Being calm when the kids are the opposite is the only way to truly fix the situation. At least for my kids, when I yell it usually leads to more yelling and or tears on their part. Neither which are my desired result. Save the yelling for when they are about to get hit by a bus.
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I'm sure every parent thinks theirs are the cutest, but cuteness is in the eye of the beholder and is very subjective. So I won't lay any claims on cuteness. Behavior, on the other hand, is a lot more easily measured, and I have other people's compliments to judge it by, besides my own impression ;-)
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@Nefertiti My experience has been the same. Stay calm, model calm and teach anger management strategies like sitting down and taking deep breaths.
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