There have been many articles in the NYTimes where very successful Asians and South Asians complain about microaggressions in America. I don't want to be harsh but, you were not brought here as slaves. You, or your parents came here because things were better here than in Asia.
You are a minority, therefore, you may not see yourself reflected in popular culture. If I move to Asia, I might feel the same way.
Also, please stop to reflect on how minorities are treated in most of the rest of the world, like for instance Asia.
2
I just want to thank so many other commenters for helping the author see the error of her ways. Sometimes women and people of color detect persistent trends of actions that undermine us in the workplace that other people do not appear to be subjected to at the same frequency. Now we know that it's all in our cute little heads that are also not smart enough to detect when we are being treated differently from others! That ability apparently belongs only to select white or male people who are smarter than everyone else because they say so.
23
I cannot help but think that there are worse problems in the world than being accomplished AND attractive.
108
It's bad manners to talk about others' appearance, and particularly about ethnic or racial characteristics.
Women, in general, are subject to much unwanted attention.
It's not worth an op-ed in a national newspaper.
67
Thank you for writing about this. It's demeaning to have someone comment on your diminutive size or to call you "cute" when you're a grown-up. The fact that this is done to many Asian women with an added layer of dismissing racism is cruel. As a small-sized woman who has always hated little-ladyism, it was disheartening to hear about other women doing this to you too, especially in a professional setting, where a passive-aggressive element of jealousy may be involved. I have been guilty of reflexively complimenting other women on their hair, clothing, or weight/weight loss ("You look great!"). My daughter woke me up about this; she said just don't comment on the way people look unless they ask you to. However, I could not imagine commenting on a writer's looks at a reading. Would you tell a Rabbi that was a such a thought-provoking sermon, and my, how shiny your beard!
34
As a father of a half-Asian daughter I get it. Just came back from a vacation where we heard comments like that all day. In fact, we just got back from Beijing last night!
43
Based on the most popular comments, we white people have a lot of growing to do. Taking Ms. Kwon’s word that she finds comments about her appearance demeaning hardly asks too much of us.
41
Scarlett Johansson played the Major in Ghost in the Shell.
The Major is a cyborg and her physical form is an entirely assumed one.
The name ‘Motoko Kusanagi’ and her current body are not her original name and body, so there is no basis for saying that an Asian actress must portray her.
You only make your arguments sillier [they are silly enough to begin with] when you claim that cyborgs have nationalities.
And just for the record - I have never called an Asian woman adorable.
27
Ms. Kwon, you say you regret not having responded to the stranger's remark in the book-signing line. What could you possibly say that would have been constructive? In such settings, people say silly things that come into their heads and normal people know that they don't mean them seriously. Somebody who says that they want to adopt you knows that you are not a child and that, at a certain level, it is not admirable for a person to be thinking of a small adult as if she were a child. And yet they share with you this mildly forbidden fact about themselves.
What is your response going to be? Are you going to treat this as a micro-aggression, call them out for it, and make a scene at your own book signing? Or are you going to laugh, with the other person, at her own foibles?
34
It’s 2019 and apparently we still don’t get that comments about a woman’s appearance in a professional setting are demeaning, minimizing and sexist.
36
To all the people out there saying it’s no big deal...
Paying someone a compliment means that you’re establishing a power dynamic between yourself and someone else. You are giving them something and expecting something in return - a thank you, in most cases.
What if you told me I was beautiful and I said nothing to you? I ignored you? Would you get pissed off? Or would you simply be pleased that you commented on my ‘beauty’ just as you would (as one commenter put it) comment on a beautiful day?
My guess is that you, as many men have in my experience, would become angry if I ignored your compliment and didn’t say thanks. Or, you would up the ante with something vulgar to get a response from me.
Women are not abstractions or objects.
And when women do it to other women, it still comes from that place of power - wanting to assert dominance. You’re looking for that ‘thank you’ or acknowledgment; and if it doesn’t come?
Another way to look at this: what if I came up to you and said, wow! You’re ugly! Or, you’re old! According to many people’s logic in this forum, that’d be fine because you’re simply stating ‘truth’ or making an observation. And if you’re follow-up is that beauty is a compliment, then again, I ask, what are you expecting in return? What if the other person doesn’t see it as a compliment but another attempt to diminish her to her appearance?
Lastly, one more POV: men, how would you feel if a guy 2x your weight came up to you and told you were beautiful?
32
Okay, we will never say anything nice about you again.
46
I'm a white male writer and my appearance has come up during Q&A sessions. I've been told I look too young to be a writer (sadly, I don't get that anymore), or I look this or look that. I've discovered we tend to be judged on what I've taken to calling the "Old Masters Scale" - ranked by how much we resemble titans like Twain or Hemingway, the perceived value of our words increasingly alongside resemblance. I find it endlessly amusing - though no doubt someone will be along shortly to tell me it's my privilege that lets me laugh at it rather than penning a cri de coeur for the NYT opinion section.
As for Marie Kondo, let's be honest here. On her show, she projects a happy, bubbly personality. She's quite attractive physically. A Google search tells me she's 4'7", and I would guess she's about 80 pounds. I'm not sure the language allows for a description more apt than "pixie."
28
I am one of those people challenged buy name-face associations, and it only gets worse as I get older. For almost a month at one new job, I called Sandy "Carol," and Carol "Sandy," until finally their individual features or imprinted on my brain. OMG, I finally turned into my mother.
The only feature those two women had in common was blond hair. For the record, all three of us are white, and I would never tell anyone but a close friend they were adorable. Yeesh. But my stupid brain still has trouble with names.
Please don't think poorly of me if I call you by the name of someone with features similar to your own. It's not about you, it's about getting old. And please correct me, because that will definitely help me get it right the next time.
14
Several important points here, but being confused for somebody else happens to a lot of people in a lot of contexts, so you shouldn't take it too hard. I'm a white man, but I've been confused for people who looked nothing like me quite a few times, and I've done it at least a few times myself, including with white men who looked objectively nothing like each other. A few days ago I saw a (white) woman who I was sure was a good friend I've known for years, but when I tried to address her twice from six or seven feet away, she told me that was not her name, and after a few moments her expression and/or the light changed and she no longer looked like my friend. This type of confusion typically happens with somebody of the same race and sex or course, but that doesn't make it inherently racist or sexist, but I can understand how it might seem that way if you're already feeling the burden of other racist experiences.
14
I' not sure about this. I love being complimented on my appearance. I rarely think its instead of people complimenting my work. Maybe its because I'm hot [not] and my work isn't. Or vice versa. Of course, objectifying comments are demeaning, but we have to be careful not to build a word where human interaction consists of quantitative analysis.
26
My dad, 6'4, went to Japan; everyone he ran into commented on his height. Somewhat complimentary, somewhat trite, after awhile somewhat annoying, somewhat what people just do when faced with someone who looks different. But I'm afraid taking umbrage when they're not trying to be insulting lacks insight.
57
All human beings react to others in direct proportion to their familiarity with them. As a 65 year old white man who was raised in San Francisco and attended public schools with Asian (virtually all Cantonese speaking southern Chinese) majorities of up to 90% I too have been shocked at the depth of ignorance of non Asian Americans of all shades towards Asians. It has improved enormously in the course of my lifetime, but still has a way to go. I have also experienced the astonished reactions in rural China and rural Africa to locals' encounters white people, especially blondes and redheads. How would Ms. Kwon react to someone sneaking up behind her, touching her bare arm, and then rushing back to their group of friends showing their hand that touched the "other"? You can laugh or cry and I chose to laugh.
The specific entrenched persistent cultural racism towards black people in the United States is based on the denial and rationalization of the loss of the Civil War, and is of an entirely different nature (in my opinion).
Perhaps if Ms. Kwon had a conversation with her own older relatives about their own attitudes towards white and black people (Hoc Gueys and Boc Gueys, sorry about the spelling) she might gain a greater insight into universal human behavior .
19
While I can empathize with the writer taking umbrage with certain adjectives. There is also racism shown by Asian women by refusing to date from their own race, having ‘no Asians policy’ preferring to date whiles only.
14
Such first world problems.
My advice to this author - get on with your life - there are so many more important things in life!
These are people who don't matter to you! They are not family, close friends, or colleagues.
This is silly in anyone's life.
47
@Mimi I assume you're not the member of a classified minority . My advice to YOU: Try to understand and appreciate the situations of others.
20
Lighten up, for Heaven's sake. People have been saying things like this to others for years, and our traditional, dominant culture intends and interprets them as compliments. You and others making a big stink about innocent comments can only spoil things for the rest of us.
30
Into every life some rain must fall. For most of humanity the saying is more like: why can’t some life fall into my rain? Chin up! Soldier on through the dark night. In a few short decades you will be deemed ugly and old and not worth the world’s time. Your day will come. Be patient.
30
People shouldn't comment on people's appearance. Period.
I've done it and shouldn't. Hopefully I know better now.
19
The horror! How can you go on? You're a hero for getting up every morning in the face of such abuse. A regular Rosa Parks.
72
A sense of humor can go a long way, and might even lead to more happiness than whining in a Time op-ed.
53
Take a look at her picture . She is very good looking . Enuf said .
6
Please let me give this one last try. I'll refer you to the Washington Post article by Cathy Young dated March 22, titled "Yes, Liberal Democracy is Struggling and the Progressive Left isn't Helping"---published just two days ago---that discusses the dangers posed by the social justice left to our basic liberal rights of free speech, the right of the presumption of innocence and association.
The New York Times is clearly part of the problem identified therein.
You've help castigate and ruin the careers of men who don't get a trial ----please see the Allen Dershowitz written column.
C'mon guys, there's a whole world out here that has litigate arguments you refuse to even recognize. You've become part of the problem. Read the article.
I maintain your subject printed article borders on the absurd.
1
My head hurts.
12
Poor Kwon! Isn't it awful when people like the way you look! My wife's friends every now and then tell me (or my wife) that they think I am handsome. I feel so humiliated.
20
I get it. This obviously really frustrates you. But just try to take a second or to two to appreciate the quality of your problems. I know you think you’ve got it bad but try and imagine having a severe birth defect or any other countless conditions that make the self pity in this article ridiculous at best.
30
As a Caucasian male I periodically check in with the NYT opinions section to find out what I recently did wrong. Thanks for another installment of “who’s the victim this week”.
48
I'm a short Caucasian woman and I've spent a lifetime being considered "cute" and "adorable." Even though, personality wise, I'm an assertive, intelligent adult, fully competent in professional settings. Welcome to the club.
15
I am a 40 short, black woman with round cheeks and dimples. Still can’t shake being called adorable.
13
A question for all: We compliment people on the color of their clothing, the beauty of their children, the sound of their voice, the charm in how they express themselves, how they decorated their homes, their work accomplishments, the intelligence of their conversation, their thoughtfulness. In what cases are we objectifying them because we're not acknowledging their full humanity?
Marshall Rosenberg ("Nonviolent Communication") offered a way of expressing gratitude that consisted of citing specifics, articulating the feelings engendered and identifying the need(s) of yours that were met. This sounds like it could be an improvement, but I wonder how far it can take us in gracefully expressing how we are reacting to another person.
3
67 year old white male here. I've been told frequently enough that I look good "for my age". In the past, I
have just walked forward being the best lawyer I can be. Now, though, I think I deserve an Op-Ed.
34
No matter what race a pretty woman is, she can expect horn dog comments from rude men, whether they be ditch diggers or scholars.
8
Good luck with that!
You are talking about the universal recognition of "that person is different.' There is no place on earth, no population that does not immediately see, notice, and stare at someone who - is not just like themselves.
As a 6'1" white guy, in central China in 1988, and alone except for my Chinese entourage; it was unmistakable. We went to villages where the school children had never seen a live western person before, and exploded out of their schools to run up close and see- teachers trailing after. Even in Wuhan department stores, grownups would come up, within inches, and stare.
It did not occur to me that writing letters to the local newspapers would alter their behavior. But then, it also did not occur to me to resent it.
We all notice what's different- all of us. You might be a little grateful to those who find you attractive; since those who see you as the opposite, certainly exist. Like the lady behind me in the hotel elevator; who, not imagining I could have a smattering of Mandarin, launched into a tirade on the evil that always results from allowing hideous, disgusting, loathsome Foreign Devils into China. My quick turn to look in her eyes with the sweetest smile I could manage and enthusiastic "xièxie, fūren!" was an abundant response.
29
I read this article early this morning and as with everything Ms. Kwon writes, it gave me a lot to think about. Let me see if I can do my thoughts justice. First, I think you need to look beyond behavior. Intelligence is intimidating. For many, when they feel the playing field is tilted against them and they are unmatched, as a response to that nervous, uncomfortable feeling, they rely on the aesthetic to pull them through. At her book signing, I saw it, particularly with the older generation. The references to size and "cute" are "cringeworthy." They clearly don't get it. It says more about our inability to relate to one another in 2019 than anything else (the comments below are directly indicative). Now, with that being said, let's tackle the more pressing issues here. Sadly, I am old enough to remember a time when my mother had to ask my father for money or "the checkbook". Her role as a stay at home mom was relegated to second chair. To members of Ms. Kwon's generation, this is unconscionable. Yet, it happened. Sometimes you have to seek to understand and then be understood. It's learned behavior. Is it sexist? Yes. Is it wrong? Without question. The current generation of women are correcting and realigning social discourse to ensure this type of behavior cease to occur. Next time, take a deep breath and simply say, "More importantly, what one thing did you take from my work?"
12
As a side note in Asians being confused with each other.. I worked in China for a year. I was constantly confused (by my own students!) with the other white woman. Who had long brown hair (I have very blonde hair). The white Swiss guy was confused with the brown Costa Rican guy. Studies have shown it’s hard for people who are less familiar with other races to tell them apart. It’s not really racism.
Asian women probably do have more of a cute / adorable / fetish reaction from the general public than the average woman. The problem overall though is that women in general are judged more on their appearances and often receive “compliments” in inappropriate settings. It’s one thing if an old grandma says she wants to adopt you (I would take it that she’d rather have me as her granddaughter than what she has), it’s different if someone of the same age says it (infantilizing).
Also I think in our culture commenting on appearances is an odd way of making conversation. I live in Germany and this doesn’t happen here.
11
I have worked and traveled all over the world. You can call me a male pig, a misogynist, a misanthrope, a "metoo" violator, a pervert .... (anything but a republican, please), but personally, I find that most women are attractive and adorable. Black, white, Asian, Indigenous American, European, Polynesian, you name it. There are a few remarkable exceptions, all of whom will remain unnamed here. For example, one of John McCain's presidential running mates. And some of the spokespeople in the trump administration. But like I said, I'm not naming any names. And I'm not going to give any clues either. So no questions.
To the extent that women are intelligent and talented, such as the author, that vastly increases my estimation of them.
I don't think this attitude is an indictment of me, and I refuse to feel bad about my views. I, just like every other man and woman, am a product of my genetic heritage. Finding women beautiful and adorable is one of the reasons we, as a species, aren't still digging grubs out of the ground and competing with chimpanzees to kill monkeys for food.
7
A couple years back one of the colleges where I taught had an influx of Japanese students and I was startled by a strange affectation of some Japanese young women. They dressed, spoke, and behaved like toddlers. I’m afraid I was not good at hiding my shock the first time one pig-tailed 20 something in child-like clothing ran in exaggerated tiny steps, hands wobbling up in the air, to get her paper. I did some research to understand what was going on and learned about Sailor Moon and dressing (and behaving) like dolls. The writer should not be surprised to learn that as that generation aged, remnants of this fashionably little girl affectation have colored the ways they are perceived.
13
Whatever criticism of victim culture you might have, you can’t victim culture isn’t inclusive.
2
I'm a petite brown woman, Asian-sized so to speak. I get all the same comments, at work and not at work. And they are not racist or sexist. They are just like when I see a really tall man and say wow, you're so tall' and we share a laugh at the difference in our experiences. Or when I see a woman with an amazing mane of hair and say 'your hair is amazing!' Or when I see a couple obviously in love go by and say 'you are a really cute couple!' It doesn't mean I don't appreciate their other talents. It means at that moment I am struck by these things and expressing.
Everyone has unique attributes deserving of appreciation. If you ONLY want to be appreciated for your work alone, go to a world where ONLY work exists. We are multidimensional creatures. No one's insulting you. They are appreciating you. It's not up to you what other people are going to appreciate you for.
I have petite friends who DON'T get the adorable/cute comments. They are very loud-voiced, with authoritative presence and a certain way of moving. Some of them are Asian. It's not about height or race. It's about inherent qualities. They get the 'you are so strong', 'you have such presence', type comments. If you want that instead, change your presence. If not, accept who you are. You probably are adorable. And your work probably speaks for itself.
Stop reading into genuine appreciation and instead pass the compliment back, or just say thank you and let life be easy and fun. Humans are often wonderful.
32
This is largely a straw-man argument. Ms. Kwon's fails to support her contention that East-Asian women experience "racism of flattening and erasure". And her contention that what she experiences is a form of "violence" is offensive to actual victims of violence.
If regularly being called beautiful is an intolerable level of racism, then the author is lucky she's not a white man reading the NYTimes (or Washington Post) on a regular basis. From that reporting one could be forgiven for concluding that white men invented human suffering (ostensibly because all white men are racist).
By and large, progressive men know not to comment on a woman's appearance. That's predominantly a feature of female-to-female interaction. I'm incredulous at the preposition that Asian women don't participate in that. It comes across as it's own form of racism.
I think it would be informative for Ms. Kwon to accompany a white or black person visiting China. What one experiences there as a racial minority is orders of magnitude worse than anything Ms. Kwon describes, and puts a lie to the contention that this is issue limited to white Americans.
I do appreciate the use of the term "East Asian-American", however (versus, say, South Asian-Americans; it's an important distinction).
11
Okay, I’ll admit, I am gorgeous, and I have people telling me so all of the time: men, women, young, old. What can I do? I merely smile and thank them. It’s a curse, but I bear it gracefully.
25
I’m trying to imagine the sheer number of compliments it would take to reach your level of discontent. I’ve arrived at the point where people don’t listen to me and stop taking me seriously. But it would have to happen incessantly and I have a hard time believing that is the case. Nonetheless, telling a stranger they are adorable is more pillow talk than small talk and would be a flat-out weird thing to say to someone.
I think you have a point but trying to make your case by bringing up the double standard that white male writers don’t receive comments on their appearance isn’t a very strong argument. The reason for this is likely that most white male writers, in fact most writers in general, are wholly unremarkable in appearance. The exception, which proves both our points, would have been David Foster Wallace. Like you, he garnered attention from his talent as a writer as well as his good looks.
Perceiving the visual aesthetic of other human beings is woven into our DNA. You’re also a public figure who likely makes a lot of money. It is
5
... difficult to empathize with your plight.
3
When we lived in Hawaii, Asian tourists were super interested in being photographed with my young son and daughter.
On the beach they would snatch my children up from their play and hug them for a photo. Right out of the blue, in an instant. No looking around for the parents' permission No asking the children either. It would happen in an instant.
They would point to the blond hair and round blue eyes and make excited-sounding comments. Recognizing something 'cute' is quit universal.
So, maybe its best to deal with being cute with some grace. Things could be worse.
18
Humans are complicated. To reduce a human being to just their looks is to deny part of their humanity. But we also respond to looks. The issue is not whether physical attractiveness is perceived (or even occasionally mentioned, if done in a respectful way) but whether the talents and richness of the the other person is simultaneously recognized and acknowledged.
3
Do you know, for a fact, that handsome, cute, funny, hunky, adorable, men speaking and lecturing don’t get similar comments??
10
Reading the comments reminds me of how much farther we to go in terms of racism in the American society - it’s not all black and white, people!
Food for thought -
Think hard on the first words that come to mind when interviewing an Asian woman in a workplace applying in a role to become CEO?
An Asian actor auditioning for the role of an American president on a television series? Is that weird to you? Why?
What roles do Asian Americans typically portray in television - meek, cute, soft spoken?
A very smart, well written author of a book about organization that literally changes your life, and when they first walk into the room, you say “Hey Girls!!!” in a tone implying that she is much younger than you and less educated? (Do you remember that Marie Kondo episode?)
I see a lot of people focusing just on the fact that the authors views on the word “cute/adorable” are not racism, but the fact of the matter is, you haven’t lived in our shoes or breathed in our skin to see how it is in fact, racist.
10
@IvyWhat roles do Asian Americans typically portray in television - meek, cute, soft spoken? ARE YOU REFERRING TO MEN OR WOMEN OR BOTH?
I’ve noticed that when linking back to some of my comments, I only get “The comment you are looking for is currently unavailable.”
I’d like to understand; have my comments been “disappeared” due to backlash from the PC Police, or is it just random tech glitches?
If I had an Aladdin lamp—Aladdin is Chinese per the strangely sourced story, who knew? not me—to summon I would summon the genie and have the writer transformed a year into a Chris with glasses and a Redhead complexion that freckles in the light of a nightlight and learn the woes of such redheads and then a year as this that and the other thing for the ritually prescribed seven years of trials in the land of fairy and then wait for the writer’s certain and unending list of grievances in each of her incarnations with nary one count of one blessing.
Only spoiled first world Americans speak of Asian women as a basic racial or whatever you want to call it category because it is not a category. It is one of the exceptional American monopolies of you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me that makes some sense of the disgust with and denial of the American exceptionalism by the exceptional American grievance crowd.
Where is Kali when you need her?
3
This is why liberals can’t get anyone to support them —because they are too busy being obsessed about being outraged. I am an Asian guy and older women outside of the Tristate area all say things like adorable or honey or sweetie. Why be offended when people are just trying to be nice? I’ve had people stop me on the street and tell me how “adorable” my 8 and 5 year olds are, and offer to adopt them. I simply say “thank you” and curtly offer that they are no angels at home. Why’s that outrageous?
25
I am selling books and making money and some of my customers are stupid. Maybe this says more about the books you are writing and the people those books attract.
7
Imagine what it would be like spending a lifetime as an ugly person. Complaining about your blessings is ungrateful.
21
“Stop Calling Asian Women Adorable”
I don’t, and never have. A poor and presumptuous title.
10
@Sam Kanter Easy, Sam. What made you think the headline was about you?
3
I wonder how many people googled the author to see what she looks like.
3
@ReadingBetweenTheLines
Well I did. If I commented on what I saw, The Times might not post this- not that it is disrespectful, just that it would be focused on her looks, because that is all I have, I haven't read her work.
But I don't think she is that cute. Is that better or worse?
10
Who is calling Asian women adorable?
3
@mark273 The woman in Georgia. Did you read the story?
2
If this is writer’s most serious issue then why complain unless being “adorable or cute” are adjectives that now off limits and fall under the classification of racist language.
4
I partially blame human nature and identity politics for this fetishizing of ethnic appearance. If we kept the Enlightenment ideal of equality of individuals as rational human beings in the forefront of our thinking and socializing, we wouldn’t get involved in the mischief of ethnic stereotyping, but identity politics and multiculturalism keep bringing us back to looking at what diversifies us rather than what we have in common which is reason, freedom, individual conscience, etc. Part of the blame for this is that the Enlightenment (Locke, our founding fathers) focused on educated white males. The true challenge is to regard women, other races, etc., with the same regard Locke and other definers of liberty had for educated, white prosperous men. That should be the goal of inclusiveness not some intersectional, multicultural theories of differences that splinter society.
4
I'm old enough to know that everyone's got problems. Rich, poor, Asian, Caucasian, male, female, non-binary... we got problems.
If one of your larger struggles is to feel respected for the merits of your (successful and acclaimed) work, and to deal with comments which feel off-topic or overly personal... you're doing pretty good.
Again, I'm not saying it's not a problem, or that it doesn't cause stress or angst. But all things considered, it's a pretty good problem to have, and some might argue that it's the kind of problem one could feel grateful for having. I say this as a person whose life is similarly filled with problems that, for most, would seem like the pitfalls of a fairly privileged life. And I'd be hard pressed to disagree, hence my preference for gratitude rather than frustration.
12
The author is insulted that some confused her with another Asian woman. As someone who has poor facial recognition abilities in general, I wish there was more awareness that some people have a problem with this. As a teacher, this has been a source of embarrassment for me. Even among people of my own race (white), it takes me a long time to distinguish among people with vaguely similar characteristics— say, hair color and length. I’m the person who, when watching a movie with a complex cast, is constantly saying “wait a minute, is he the one who did ‘x’ earlier?” For me, when I have trouble distinguishing between two minority individuals, it’s no different from what I experience with my own race — but there is the added anxiety of knowing that the people involved may interpret my difficulty as racism.
So: people in similar situations to the author might want to consider this.
9
Solidarity on being bad with faces. Me too! But we can all agree not to call adults that we aren’t good friends with “adorable” or “cute”, right?
3
OK, I have never commented previously, but feel I need to write in on this one. I am a white male, now middle aged. I suppose I am "good-looking", because I have been told since I was a toddler that I am "cute", "adorable", "beautiful", "handsome" etc etc etc. I have been told I look like several famous actors over the years, and I do see the similarities. But, so what? I don't seek attention. I keep to myself. It is what it is. My own looks mean very little to me. I am a person, same as everyone else. I get up in the morning and put my pants on one leg at a time as the old saying goes.
And, I happen to be intelligent (with an Ivy League degree, and a graduate degree), and very motivated. I started and run my own successful business. I have been doing that for 30+ years.
So...even though I am now middle-aged, I still receive the occasional random compliment from a stranger on my looks. I say "thank you", I smile, and move on.
That's all there is to it. Be a good person, enjoy life, do what you do.
The fact that you are "adorable" or "attractive" or "sexy" or whatever to someone else is just not that important.
19
Be very glad you get the comments you do. This is the opposite of harassment. Calm down and enjoy it.
17
Happens all the time to women. Probably happens to men as well.
4
What a world we live in where it is fashionable and “correct” to complain about the compliments that are not compliments and just remind everyone how very racist we all are. Do you really think people are going to stop looking at the entire package we are given in this life so that it suits your desire or way you would rather be seen? First world problems indeed! Use that intellect if yours please.
11
Then there’s Joe Biden’s comment when he was running against Obama in the primaries something to the effect that Obama was decent and clean cut (not at all like the stereotypical image many whites have of black men.) Obama, being his really cool self, just shrugged it off. He might be a model for oversensitive Asian ladies.
6
Why is this article newsworthy? I travel to India often and usually have the same experiences (I am a white male). It's not because you're Asian, it's because you're a minority. Be greatful you're of the "attractive" minorities; worse things happen to those who are not. And the experiences you describe happen to all women, not just just asians. How an article like this gets approved for print is beyond me; it neither informs or furthers a cause. It only divides.
36
If she’s successful enough to have book signings and be published in the Times, then obviously people are respecting her writing. I’d have more sympathy if the narrative was, “I wish I could get published but no one will take me on because I’m not white and I’m too cute.” But that’s not the case here. Her book was a bestseller, for Pete’s sake. How many humans can say that? Her cuteness is clearly not getting in the way of her massive success, is it?
9
Living in Toronto, I'm used to this city's diverse population. So are the producers of television advertising. So why are the mixed-race couples who routinely feature in TV ads usually a white man and an Asian woman ?
Whenever I see one of these ads, it reminds me of a former (male) colleague who returned from a business trip to Japan raving about 'those cute little Japanese girls'.
How about some diversity in the diversity ?
6
The number of folks dismissing the writer’s experiences here is disgusting. If you personally don’t run around calling adults “cute” in inappropriate contexts, good for you! If you do: this author is kindly letting you know that your well intentioned comments can be hurtful. The kind thing to do is take in this new information and consider changing your behavior.
23
Yawwwwwwn.
Really? Folks complaining about being called “adorable” by people who really think you’re adorable?
There’s first world problems and then there’s privileged first-world problems.
16
Short people are so cute when they're angry. Just saying.
10
There is no comparable sitin Korea or Japan or China because those countries have ZERO diversity. The only reason Kwon can complain about this in USA is because USA doesn’t treat Kwon the way Korea treats foreigners
10
I've been married to an Asian woman for 52 years ... and yes, she's adorable.
10
Thought experiment: most of us like it when our spouses call us sexy. We would be seriously taken aback if our colleagues called us sexy. All the author is saying is that she wants “adorable” kept out of work situations in the same way we have all agreed to keep “sexy” out of work situations. Why is this such a difficult ask?
7
@BD Maybe if she was told that every time she was called "adorable" it meant that she is being viewed as having child-like attributes not normally related to adults" she would become more enlightened. Still adorable but less than respected as an adult.
2
The knee-jerk defensive comments to this article is exactly why we need this perspective. No one is threatening the reader, no one is telling the offender they are a bad person. The author is voicing how it feels to, over the span of a lifetime, have her professional work and achievements be diminished by comments on physical characteristics she might have because of her ethnicity. Read it as a suggestion from a friend, of how these kinds of characterizations can belittle, degrade and infantalize grown adults of Asian descent. Take it to heart, try to do better, and move on. I'm an American-born midwestern Asian and have faced these kinds of comments throughout life: being sexualized, being mistaken for the cleaning lady, talked of as being a piece of meat, had ching chong comments yelled at me in public, etc. This is not "sensitivity" stuff, it's a pattern that has led to Asians being excluded, diminished, and violated throughout our American history. It's not being too sensitive, it's letting you know how it is. The readers have been dealing with their own personal set of challenges and hurdles too, no doubt. This article is not to diminish your own struggles, but gives voice to something you may not have realized. It's not about being too sensitive, but perhaps some of the ultra-defensive comments reflect the commenter's own sensitivity at being critiqued. Be an active listener and an ally. We're all in this together to be better persons. Thank you.
38
@anne In total agreement with your perspective. Whose readers who decry the author as an oversensitive first-world crybaby demonstrate how entitled they feel, after being informed about how they objectify an diminish another being. It's a put-down and an insult, and should not be justified.
4
@anne
I think from reading most of the posts, people here ARE listening. Which doesn't necessarily mean that they agree as to the severity of the insults to Ms. Kwon. Some of the incidents you allude to sound more like the racist behavior that most of us have knowledge of; the subtler kind, discussed here, we learn about from op-ed pieces and from careful listening all around us. All of it is welcome to the ears of us who truly believe we wake up every day knowing even less than the previous day, in the broader philosophical sense.
Many are saying, myself included, essentially, grow a thicker skin. For myself, that might be good advice for a very particular moment, such as a book signing but that does not in any way mean that just ignoring the recurring sexism and racism generally is the answer. But to be most effective, it's important to step up to the plate and confront rudeness as it arises, not after the fact, and to use it as a teaching moment. In that way, it will feel more than just "settling the score" but rather that there is some transcendence effected. I fully agree that no (heterosexual) white man can adequately feel the diminishment of these situations in quite the same way as Asians themselves but please give us more credit for empathy and imagination; not that the NYT comments crew is any great representative cross-section of society generally-but I think if you look around at all the comments in their totality, there is a good deal of both.
2
The amount of comments I've read from people trying to dismiss this problem is sickening (and I haven't even made more than a few scrolls).
The commenters trying to make excuses for this very real problem are most likely the ones causing it in the first place.
I've seen many people complaining about how our society is too quick to be offended about everything.
In reality, I think the biggest issue is the ones who refuse to try and understand other people's problems with an open mind - but insist on trying to dismiss someone's problem as exaggerated or unfounded.
I don't want to be called cute and adorable when I'm trying to be professional - what is the problem with that? I am a 30 year old mechanical engineer and the number of times I've been called "China doll" or "cutie pie" makes me want to cringe or punch someone in the face.
Just because my aesthetics may be pleasing to you (thank you) doesn't mean I want to hear you comment on it. Especially not in a professional setting, seriously.
If you're googling the author to speculate why people call her cute you are TOTALLY MISSING THE POINT OF THIS PIECE OF WRITING.
It's fine if you've never experienced something like this or maybe it wouldn't be a big deal if it happened to you. But what the author is trying to spotlight is that we think it's a problem and we're politely asking people to stop.
25
Any white person who has lived in Asia for an extended period knows that this is a phenomenon that occurs to any person living in a culture where their appearance is not aesthetically normative. White people who look nothing alike in Asia get mixed up all the time; in addition, the whiteness of their skin, their height, their 'big noses' and 'big eyes' are consistently made to be objects of public conversation. A visual and tribal species such as ours is prone to in-group bias. This is a human phenomenon.
19
@Kyle Kaplan So this makes it OK? Shouldn't so-called American exceptionalism mean Americans should rise above this? Instead of justifying why we support behaviors that objectify? Can Americans ever be better than that? Moreover, politeness in Asian culture precludes telling someone to their face, especially in a pubic and professional setting, about their physical attributes as this author is exposed to.
No MeToo in her country. Zero diversity in her native country ensures there is no comparable situation in her country (e.g. Korea, China) of foreigners getting possibly offensive comments. She is lucky she has a stage to speak from. Foreigners in her country have no voice because there are no foreigners in her country, other than a passing tourist. If you have lived and worked there, you know. Immigration there is 0, not merely low, but 0.0000.
7
Her country is the USA!
9
@ABC "Her country?" I was told she's an American.
3
Dear Ms. Kwon, Please stop speaking your truth. It is too much for many NY Times readers to handle.
In all seriousness, physical fetishizing of people of color is as old and older than this country. And no wonder--for most communities of color, the access point to this country has been the exploitation of labor.
But this isn't limited to the US, and is an issue that has long been explored. Look at Fassbinder's film, for example, Ali: Fear Eats the Soul, and the scene where Ali's wife sizes up him up with her friends is powerful--because we know the historical significance.
3
ROK has hit a home run with this column by drawing attention to her looks and her book. It's a smart move on her part and I don't mean "smart" in an assumptive cultural invocational way either.
3
Your point about the fetishising of Asian women (I take it you are referring to those whose ancestors are from the Far East, not from the Indian subcontinent) rings true. With all due respect, though, Marie Kondo seems to have intentionally made that Japanese kawaii element part of her schtick.
4
@M She didn't make it her schtick. Western media focused on, and highlighted it. Which proves the author's point.
1
Thank you for giving a voice to Americans who have been quietly enduring positive racial stereotypes.
6
Cultural insensitivity exists everywhere. I remember visiting Japan and having my caucasian friends talk about people who would comment, stare, and touch her blonde hair.
In every country is it slightly different depending on the stereotype. As an Asian-American I get tired of where are you from? Don't I look American enough? Btw, the proper question is where is your origin and volunteer your own first.
5
Throughout my Chinese daughter’s school years, students and teachers alike have called her “Jasmine”. That is not her name, not even close. It is the name of another Chinese girl in the same grade.
2
Time to re-read the novel "Hello Kitty Must Die," by Angela S. Choi.
2
Here is some thing interesting which happened to me some time back. One of my clients, who had known me for a long time, called me " Mohammed " rather than Abdul ! When I reminded him that my name is not " Mohammad " but Abdul, his answer was simply : Whatever .
6
Years ago when I traveled outside of major cities in Japan, groups of children used to follow me around, shyly, but just to look at me. I thought that it was kind of cool; not insulting at all.
My son lived in Shanghai for several years, he is tall and has blue eyes, and whenever he would go for a walk on the Bund, people would ask for him to pose with them for a picture. No problem, he was kind of flattered.
12
The article is interesting, but the comments are even more illuminating. Considering that the writer thoughtfully and articulately explained her experiences as a professional writer and her sometimes deeply biased audience (though they are unknowing of their biases), her own frustrating experience can be clearly seen in the reactions of many of the Times’ readers, like telling her not to wear makeup or that they themselves would wish to be called cute. I think many of the commentators are missing the point completely, and by way, have exposed the challenges of being a professional working Asian woman—and woman—in America. The point is made further by the fact that most people commentating are men.
13
Violating spaces and norms is a world-wide phenomenon. A co-worker who was ethnic Japanese was married to a Czech with bright red hair. Her little boy had a typical Japanese appearance except for his bright, red, hair-color.
When he was about 3 years old, she visited her parents in their small village in Japan. In the street, women would come up to him and pull on his hair, and ask how he got it, and was the hair natural, etc. To their great surprise, he answered them (not his mother) back in Japanese--causing some surprise, then comments that it was not polite to speak back to adults. Turns out that he had inherited both his mother's and father's intelligence and self-assertiveness.
While there is a fine (and frequently redefined) line between friendly banter, friendliness, curiosity, and objectifying, there is no doubt that small women generally, and east Asians specifically, get more than their fair share of intrusive, inappropriate attention. Apparently, on occasion, they can also turn the tables, as our little red-head's experience showed.
5
Between men and women there is a protector-protected relationship which is built in to both sexes, not just the product of culture. How many of the women who rail against men’s attitudes of superiority would marry a man who is not taller than them?
Does this inevitable backdrop ofttimes pop up inappropriately? Of course. But to a great extent, we are wise to accept the world as it is.
7
Oh boy...accept the world as it is. If we’d all done that, where would the human race be in it’s evolution? One can only imagine in dismay.
7
I'm a middle-aged white woman working in tech. There is another middle-aged white woman in my group. Our Asian coworkers literally can not tell us apart. Similar height and hair color, totally different personalities, body types, fashion sense. And we work on different projects.
33
Right. But yet this article isn’t about you.
4
The author had me til towards the end, when she states that these types of comments equate to pressing Asians into service of white supremacists and Nazis. Really? Does this in any way sound reasonable or like their true intent? Sheesh.
That said, as an Asian woman I think those who are commenting that we should just be thankful for the compliment and move on also don't get it either. Except for interpersonal situations, being told that you are cute or adorable is creepy when it comes from a man, and inappropriate when it comes from a woman. I think what the author is saying is that in our society (in the U.S. at least), we have a baseline of norms on how we speak and interact with people, especially in a professional setting. For whatever reason these lines are repeatedly crossed when it comes to Asians, especially Asian women, and the offenders are often other women. Regardless of whether these are compliments (and I would say some are condescension disguised as a compliment), Asian women do have the right to wonder why people feel free to cross the lines towards them all the time.
I for one am very weary of the strict standards set by the militant left these days, but if you truly think about how we interact with each other in a professional or social setting, I think many will realize that perhaps they crossed those lines with Asians that they would not have done with others, compliment or not.
17
Yeah, I'm a white dude, too, but I also happen to be married to an intelligent, accomplished, and highly credentialed Asian American woman. And I've seen first hand (and have been told second hand) how she and other Asian and Asian American women face the very same issues Ms. Kwon identifies in her op-ed. I've seen my young daughter start to get the same kinds of comments. And I've had many Asian female colleagues and students (as well as women who identify as being part Asian) get the same treatment.
My wife wants to talk about her work, too. My daughter wants to gush about her classes or music. My students and colleagues want to share ideas. None of them want to be called cute or adorable instead of being appreciated foremost for their brains, determination, or talents.
It is easy for someone who isn't Asian and female to shrug off comments about one's appearance as being thin-skinned or ungracious or bitter. I know that if I didn't have personal experience by proxy I might be inclined to do the same. Not any more.
Reading some of the comments to this op-ed, I'm struck by the deficit of empathy and unwillingness to learn. My grade school daughter has more capacity for self-reflection that I see in these replies by seeming adults.
Perhaps we deserve the leadership we have today. Heaven help us.
36
Yeah, I'm a white dude, and these women remind me of the more maternal comments that I get from older, professional women I work with.
It's also questionable whether I'd consider a reading to be a work event. These aren't your co-workers, they're readers there, in part, to take an interest in your work past the actual book. I'd feel differently if this was a professional conference, but these are readers coming up to you to get a copy of their book signed. I'm not sure their obligations are the same (it's not like your signature is adding to the work).
I dunno, I mean, I'm not gonna do it, but I kinda question how insidious some of this is.
20
As an avid reader, I’m always on the lookout for excellent new contemporary writers to read. I especially prize the work of writers who have a great intuitive understanding of human nature and ability to empathize with their fellow humans.
Sadly, this column suggests that Ms Kwon is not such a writer. I have no idea (and don’t care) if she is adorable or not, but to take people’s perfectly natural and normal urge to be nice and kind to each other and misrepresent it as some kind of nefarious act of racism, and then to think that the resulting rant is a serious piece of writing worthy of submitting to a paper like the New York Times, does not speak well of her understanding of human nature. I sincerely hope I am mistaken in this assessment, but personally I won’t be rushing to the bookstore to check out her novel after reading this column.
75
@Math Professor
As a fellow academic with extended Asian American family across California, I wonder how many female Asian colleagues, friends, and students you know who would identify with Ms. Kwon.
And if you do have such people in your social and professional circles, I wonder if you have listened to them--truly listened, with open ears and a curious mind--to hear what they have faced at work or in school.
I suspect that writing this column for Ms. Kwon was anything but easy. It wasn't a rant as much as a pent up cry for understanding and respect. I can't say as much for your self-congratulatory and condescending response. If you doubt me, share this article with one of your Asian female colleagues. I'd be curious as to their response.
20
@Math Professor
I believe she is empathizing with you very well. It looks to me like it is your inability to empathize that is in question. Ms. Kwon quite rightly does not want you to objectify and thereby dehumanize her. Very reasonably she wants you to see past her appearances. It's that simple. As I said in another comment elsewhere today, the world does not revolve around you and your white, male, ignorant, un-empathetic "good intentions."
11
I am a 77 year old bald white gentleman. I would love it if someone would call me adorable.
35
Sorry but Asia is a massive place. When we here in the US say 'Asian" it always refers to people from east Asia. Never Turkey or lebanon or Israel, or any other west Asian country.
4
@Myshkin1
No, Asian means the orient or India/Pakistan. Thus Asian is a poor description of appearance. Bring back "oriental;" it was never a hate word.
3
I hate to break it to you, and I can’t speak for how women view you, but not all Asian women are cute or adorable. As is the case with women of all races. As for Crazy Rich Asians, only the mother and grandmother fit the strong, controlling Asian mother stereotype. The younger women were mostly Asian Valley girls.
6
I'm glad I logged back onto the Times. I was about to spend a full day with nothing to be mad about.
26
I’m an Asian woman in my 40s. When someone calls me cute, I thank them and take it as a compliment. It’s really not a big deal and we (liberals) really need to stop being big babies.
82
The this-isn't-about-race and you-should-be-thankful narratives sidestep and dismiss the fact that racism against Asians and Asian Americans does exist.
15
Message to white men commenters who say “just ignore this don’t be hyper,” from another white man — you’re an embarrassment. Not gonna hurt you to give people the respect you just assume getting for yourselves.
18
"...white men’s fetishizing of Asian women"
Please, if we're not going to stereotype one group let's avoid stereotyping any other.
24
@oogada
Many white men absolutely do fetishize Asian women. Many scholars have written about the origins of this fetishization in the American military which exploited Asian women in sex-trafficked prostitution in Vietnam, Korea, Japan. The sexual imaginations of several generations of American men were shaped by Asian prostitution. After Japan surrendered in World War II, that country set up brothels to provide prostituted sex to American servicemen. Before that the Japanese military enslaved Korean women and forced them to provide prostituted sex to Japanese soldiers, calling them "comfort women."
Who do you think is patronizing all the brothels fronting as "massage parlors" that are staffed by sex-trafficked Chinese women? White American men. Get a clue.
Here, read a bit about sex trafficking of Asian women:
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/investigations/2019/03/01/robert-kraft-sex-trafficking-sexual-stereotypes-asian-women-fetish-chinese-korean-prostitution/3016047002/
4
"...don't comment on her appearance at all" - but be sure to never leave the house without eye shadow.
https://www.thecut.com/2018/04/why-i-always-wear-black-eyeshadow.html
8
The article you link specifically says she picked the black eyeshadow because it goes against the Asian stereotype of docility that she hates. Where is the inconsistency?
2
As I write this, 8 of the top 10 readers picks tell Ms. Kwon she is wrong, that this happens to other besides Asians, or that she should change her attitude. You all have unwittingly proved her point.
24
It is inappropriate to comment on a woman’s appearance, unless she’s your girlfriend or your wife.
8
@Doug Lowenthal Women comment on other women's appearance all the time. And not always fairly or kindly. But let's just asperse all white men for their well-known boorishness.
3
@Doug Lowenthal
As Oscar Hammerstein almost said about criticism of Sound of Music, “What’s wrong with cute. It’s been around a while.”
@George I’m not a woman so I can’t speak for them. Maybe it’s a generational thing, something about being a gentleman. I would certainly not comment on another man’s looks to his face. Sexists and boors come in all colors.
1
One of the truly shocking attacks came with Kelly Marie Tran was introduced in Star Wars: The Last Jedi.
Every aspect of her appearance and performance (which actually was extremely good) was attack in the most vicious and even violent terms on the Internet. The racist misogynist trolling and stalking of Ms. Tran was an indictment of all that's gone wrong in America today.
Asian women are not toys, dolls, playthings, or children and should not be treated as such. When they push back they are called "dragons" and the b-word.
Since the rise of Donald Trump, this sort of misogyny and racism as exploded as men (mostly) feel they can act like animals in "Lord of The Flies". It's time for this to end!
17
@Dadof2 I knew Trump would figure in this cute-calling outrage, just didn't know how.
2
I’m a white male that tells his asian girlfriend she’s cute and adorable all the time.
Her response?
“I know. What are we having for dinner?”
10
It’s also true that Asian families r obsessed with skin color and looks
My 6 years south Asian pdaughter was once told by a Chinese girl that she got too many hair on her hands
The same girl called my 3 years dark skinned son ugly
I assume she learned all this from her family
6
Ms. Kwon’s experience of sometimes being mistaken for other Asian women may be offensive, but it is not unique. Confusion like this is common whenever races or colors are mixed together, and it certainly doesn’t just effect Asians. My wife and I are white. We spent some time in Fiji recently, and we were surprised to find that the locals often confused us with other white couples who, as far as we could tell, looked nothing like us. We were having a friendly conversation with one guy who had just done this, and my wife excused his confusion by joking about whites that “we all look alike.” The guy was momentarily flummoxed, and then laughed and said “Well, yeah, you do.”
I think most of us are wired (or have learned) to distinguish easily among people like ourselves, and less so among others.
The “cute” and “adorable” stuff, though, does seem both sexist and demeaning.
11
One would hope that Ms.Kwon doesn't take offense from an untoward comment at a book signing. More often than not, those comments are probably from bystanders & people wanting to engage in "community" rather than make a book purchase.
5
I totally sympathize with your objections to this behavior. I have been studying Chinese and Asian history for the past year and a half. You might not want to read the disgusting stuff I've read. I was studying the history of U.S. involvement in Laos in the 1960's and 1970's, and read New York Times and Time magazine articles from that period as part of my research. It's long enough ago since I read the particular journalism sites that I can't absolutely say for sure that the New York Times was one of the offenders, but I think it was. Newspaper and magazine articles about Laos from that period repeatedly refer to the Laotian people as if they were children. Laotian people were described as childlike and cute. It was sickening. And reading now about the history of the American occupation of Japan, I read that General MacArthur in returning home referred to the Japanese people by comparing them to a twelve year old in terms of the "maturity" of their civilization, a shock to people who had felt some gratitude for some of America's occupation policies. Ironically, I just read this morning that occupied Germans after World War II were prone to referring to American as a "young" (immature) society. The objectifying, and infantilizing attitudes are not purely racial, but partly civilizational, apparently. But the objectifying and remarks on cuteness are an affront to dignity. Those who are not viewed as attractive may instead be dismissed as invisible!
6
We all have our crosses to bear, it would seem. Allow me to play devil's advocate for a moment or two.
Yes, we live in a world where women continue to be objectified. And it's horrible. No doubt. No arguments.
I think of the type of people that wait in line to have a book signed. You know, people that perhaps by nature are a bit more introverted. People that may not be overly social. People that may be a bit star struck and are simply not equipped socially to engage in a perfect manner with another human being. And I wonder if when such a person makes a social faux-pas, that perhaps we can sigh inwardly and channel a bit of empathy? Is there any chance that these people are so very moved at a very deep level by your work, that they don't have an author's skill with words to express it more appropriately? Perhaps that's the best they can do?
Oh, and the author is mistaken. When she meets with publishers and editors and agents - those are professional encounters. When she signs books (peddles books? begs to have her books bought?) and meets fans - me thinks her expectations are to blame. Don't expect professional behaviour from shoppers. Less so from readers. Isn't the whole author-reader connection meant to be an intimate one?
People that make their living with their looks must tire of hearing the usual refrain. But, there are also a heck of a lot of people on earth that go unnoticed, that go un-complimented. And I wonder what's worse?
20
Why do women wear makeup in professional situations? Why wear earrings? Lipstick? If they're really looking for a response from others that ignores gender, they can start there. And then work their way forward.
Cue the rationalizations.
12
If I didn’t wear any makeup I would look 12. To be more professional and older, I wear makeup. It’s a paradox
5
@MSC
Women don't wear makeup to look older. They wear it to look younger (and more attractive, which is closely associated with youth).
Men who look a lot younger than their age don't wear makeup to compensate. If women want the same absence of now-offensive compliments, they might consider doing the same.
5
Yep. I have heard these statement for years. I live in San Francisco and hear the “cute” thing , or worse, “Chinese girl” about an Asian women often. I’m a white male and it makes me cringe.
9
I am seventy years old and have spent thirty five years in a workplace setting predominated by women of color, and guess what? I’m a dead ringer for every brunette white woman within ten years of my age (either way, unfortunately). No harm is meant by it and none taken. More recently I have been in receipt of constant comments on how I look “for my age.” I had a lot of work done and I look pretty good so these are generally pleasant, except for two that suggested extra lifts—mouth and forehead, as I recall—those were ageist and harmful.
Seriously, can we subscribe to a newsletter keeping us up to date on microaggressions? The Left has to purify itself in time to take the field in 2020, and the Southern Poverty Law Center alone is going to take some time.
17
PS, I forgot to mention the man of color who complimented me on looking good for an older white woman, because "caucasians typically wrinkle up and fade early." I'm mortified to admit I was flattered. But now that I'm "woke" I will report him to HR on Monday.
PPS: Apologies to Ms Kwon, but the suggestion that I get further cosmetic surgery on my mouth area came from a Korean American woman, who was definitely "cuter" than I.
9
The commenters here who are saying things like "Is this really your biggest problem in life?" or "You should be glad to be getting compliments at all" are missing R.O. Kwon's point, or pretending to. She's describing a form of condescension and trivializing that becomes incredibly irritating after one has received a lot of it.
Of course this treatment isn't Kwon's biggest problem in life. But the "adorable" remarks aren't complimentary, they're patronizing.
14
@Linda
They're both.
1
Yes. Thank you, Ms. Kwon, for standing up and speaking out. We are a mixed race family. We encounter these things in both everyday life and important things like college admissions or promotions. The Trump Republican white nationalists are working very hard to manipulate the model minority junk, in order to promote white supremacism.
I agree:
"This is on a spectrum with Asian-Americans being termed the 'model minority,' a toxic label intended to separate us from other people of color, meant to press us into the service of white supremacy. It’s not just the obvious villains, the neo-Nazis, who espouse and support racism. Sometimes it’s also those of us who believe ourselves to be firmly on the side of inclusion."
7
I am Asian 50 yrs+, and I think that we should all stop worrying about trivial stuff like this (that means both men and women of all races and religions). Try to see the good intention in people for a change, and please stop being oversensitive and whining.
Read Nicholas Kristof's column today about Tani for inspiration.
20
I regret your bitterness.
Whenever I see someone who has made an effort with their appearance, man or woman, and who (as a result) is of pleasing or attractive aspect, I always try to tell them I have noticed! Whether it is dress, hair, accessories... it's the effort and / or the artistic creativity that I am recognizing.
I try to make it totally non-threatening. For instance, as I am a straight male, I try to compliment a woman in the presence of other women, and in public places. And I am sensitive to power dynamics (never a work subordinate, never a much younger woman, or only in the most offhanded manner...)
In my experience, such praise gives pleasure, and that is my only goal. And, when I am the lucky recipient of such praise, I receive it gratefully! It is my belief that you are missing out on one of life's joys. It is not because someone appreciates your work that they cannot appreciate your appearance...
20
@Nicolas
I think what you are talking about is gallantry, and what she is talking about is infantilizing, which is different. I can understand her point of view as we had an experience last year that I still remember. Last year, my wife and I went to Hawaii for a vacation and went on a guided tour of some biological area with local plants and birds. In addition to us, our group of four had two mid- to late 30's Japanese women (from Japan). From their dress, makeup, bearing, and conduct, they were clearly very well-to-do and sophisticated. And, the tour guide, would talk to my wife and me in a normal manner, and periodically turn to them and talk down as if they were children assuming they didn't know any English. At the same time, he wasn't trying to be mean, and in fact trying to please them and being very complimentary - he was just tone deaf. We still cringe when we remember.
4
@Nicolas
The hole in your thinking is a mile wide. The world does not revolve around you and your ill-considered, ignorant, white, male "good intentions." The author Ms. Kwon is not bitter. That is a classic sexist trope. She is merely standing up and speaking out.
7
@Robert. I'm sorry you see it that way. But I defend myself as follows: while I cannot legitimately assert that Ms. Kwon is bitter or not (that is a sentiment I gleen from her writing, but only she can say), *you* cannot say I am either ill-considering, nor ignorant. "Ignorant" of your "truths," perhaps, but they are only yours. The world does not revolve around you, either. And Ill considering? I have given a lot of thought to all this: you have no basis on which to level that one.
We are all trying to understand these issues. Ad hominim attacks do nothing to further the debate. I sense suffering in Ms Kwon, and I regret it. I merely suggest that she need not suffer as much in this case...
2
I feel for you but you're incorrect about this being a problem specific to you. I'm a white male and I have been objectified uncomfortably throughout my life by other professionals in professional settings. Mentioning how tall I am or how white I am or how handsome I am or how I could be a model is disconcerting and confusing when I see myself as average at best and would like to be recognized for my hard work and creativity.
9
Ok, I Google Imaged her. I think it’s all about her smile - she smiles with all the unabashed joy of a child. It’s unusual to see such a natural smile on an adult - as if she just heard something truly funny. That’s wonderful and yes, it’s adorable. Own it!
6
To Ms. Kwon I would offer the following advice: focus on your calling ; aspire to create fine, lasting prose for thousands of people to draw sustenance from. Use your writing to address the issues you bring up here, to explore the attitudes that are prevalent. Invent characters to represent your passions and concerns. And when you feel slighted in your professional life, use your gifts of language to enlighten those not as eloquent as yourself; most of us are not. I wish you well and look forward to reading your novels for the first time.
I'm trying very hard to see how this is a (serious) problem. I can appreciate how in the work space someone would like to be recognized for their work and not looks, but, again I think this needs to be taken into context. If I am at work and a colleague looks nice, I'll say so. When my co-workers compliment me, I take it as that...a compliment. As a woman of color and not of the model minority group...I was a bit taken aback by the whole idea that the designation of model minority was a way to separate East Asians from other people of color. I've always been under the impression that most East Asians are gladly separating themselves from the people of color, on my end of the spectrum. Then again, that is a topic for a whole different op-ed.
6
Oh please. I’m petite, and I got that cutesy treatment until I was very obviously middle aged. For me, it was compliments about my green eyes and thick hair. Get over it. It doesn’t have anything to do with ethnicity.
11
Not everything is about race and ethnicity. I am a short, small, white woman who is still told I’m cute, adorable, and darling by men and women alike, even at my advanced age. I don’t like it. Never have. Nevertheless as far as I can tell folks mean it as a compliment. They wish they were petite and attractive, too. The best recourse is to nod politely and move along.
13
@PRL Gosh, I am also a petite woman and I like the compliments, especially because these same people also compliment me on my intelligence. I guess if I were being treated as if I were cute and stupid, it would not be so nice. But I can be both. And I enjoy being both, even at my age.
1
@Dana Really? Do they take you seriously and professionally - or at least as seriously and professionally as taller women? "Cute" to me means not as mature and more "childlike," and therefore, not authoritarian.
3
I'm a white male. I'm funny, and I'm confident, and I'm short. 5'5" approximately. Throughout my life I've been called "adorable, cute, huggable". Or, because my profession requires that I be in a leadership role, I've been told more times than I could ever count that I have a "Napoleonic" complex.
I learned very early in life that I have to work very hard to be recognized as capable as my taller brethren.
We've been told throughout life that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but stereotyping is a built in human response going back to the caves, probably as a survival tool, and it's probably the basis of racism.
14
Beware the fair-weather fans that find your looks part of the attraction. As soon as that ends, their interest ends. They are as shallow as they seem.
6
Why choose a title to your essay telling us to stop doing something that I am certainly NOT doing....It comes across as bossy.
And just for the record, your comparison with experience of white males is far too general. As a tall, white male I DO get adoring looks from women but MOSTLY Asian women as it happens who opnely gaze and giggle adoringly at my blue eyes (No exaggeration) and (what they consider to be) my robust frame and especially my nose. And they are very up front in saying these things to me. And no, I don't get shirty about it: I put it down to cultural differences and make the most of the learning experience.
As AOC suggested recently. Maybe some of us need to relax a bit more . . .
12
“Racism?” To someone Ms. Kwon’s age racism may seem a creature of slights, or prejudices, or indignities. But to those of us who have seen more, racism was lynchings and murders condoned by communities and even states.
Don’t say “concentration camps” when describing immigrant detention centers; don’t say racism to describe a misplaced but well meant compliment.
23
The writer is on a book tour and thusly getting recognized for her writing. The comments are manifest of a minority becoming increasingly integrated into the culture. A minority that has been for centuries exotic from our western culture. It is a curiosity and appreciation that an increased number of people will have as asians are recognized for their skills. All of us are stereotyped in positive and negative ways (Currently white men are stereotyped of being privileged and racist until they show their liberal card). Enjoy the compliments. Roll with them. There are negative stereotypes and/or realities of asians (and other groups) that are not so complimentary. You will have time to prove and disprove both.
2
So now Asian women are being victimized with cuteness. How about Japanese writer Marie Kondo? The essence of organization wrapped within cuteness. Just ask my wife and my sister-in-laws, all feminists in outlook, life and work. They admire her and probably wish they could achieve that persuasive non-confrontational approach that gets the whole family involved in creating an ordered household. Cute is not some sort of demeaning adjective in their minds and it is not just applied to Asian women. But maybe that is about to change. Shrill. Bossy. Cute.
People don't come book signings to talk to authors about their work (really, where is the time to do that?) They want to see the personality that launched a favorite fictional or two. Or to the author who has mastered their favorite non-fiction subject. Or a chance for their child to meet a "real" author. "I love your work! They want a photo. A Signature.
Ms. Kwon has written one novel (I haven't read it) but she speaks as if she has been at this for decades. So this seems like brilliant ploy to sell some books. This essay left me not quite believing the author's personal anecdotes...
And the broader subject of America not being inclusive? I'm pretty sure every minority group in the USA has had those feeling exacerbated by our current political leadership. Nothing cute or adorable about our roly-poly Caucasian President. Can I say that? Roly-poly?
12
I get it, I’m amerasian (mixed, hapa) and I’m routinely asked about my nationality/ethnicity or commented on my looks. Overwhelming peoples interests range from creepiness to just plain curiosity. Does it annoy me at times? Sometimes, but generally I don’t take it to the next level or blow it out of proportion. In fact, it’s happening less frequently as society becomes increasingly multicultural. If comments and questions occur in inappropriate settings such as work, being politely direct does the trick. There’s so many important things that truly need our attention. This, not so much.....
8
Micro-aggressions like these seem to be more the product of the offended person's subjective interpretation of experience, not the alleged offender's intent.
Cry me a river
29
How you have been able to tolerate such oppression attending these book signings, etc. is commendable; you truly are the Rosa Parks of Asians. Don't worry, in this society, once the bloom is off the rose, and you age and put on weight you will quickly become invisible. You will never again get the horrid compliments about beauty and cuteness you are now. Articles like this will only hasten your demise as a writer and the attention you so despise (along with your book sales). Mission accomplished!
24
I have a long, long term fascination with Asian women. But it is not for the reasons in this article. There is something about the poise and intelligent social skills that gets me.
Once on NPR a Chinese-American woman was following a nebbish who got a mail order bride from China for a book she was writing. She used the term Yellow Fever to describe what that man had. It describes me, also.
Also, Asians in America are ideal citizens. There is hardly any crime to deal with, they are twice as prepared for college as whites are and they become actual Americans. Open the migrant gates I say before Xi closes them with his Social Credits that have prevented seventeen million travel requests in 2018 and surely will be expanded. Y'all come, y'hear?
2
White women are rightly indignant when men focus on their appearances in professional setting because it's uncomfortable and objectifying and diminishes their power. But look at this! An Asian woman complains about white women diminishing her by calling her "cute" and these female commenters are reacting like men by complaining it's only a compliment, that she should be flattered, that it's not real racism! How would you know? Do you hear yourselves? You sound like men! Or more accurately, people in positions of power who get defensive when marginalized groups call them out.
Kwon's not just upset because a few woman called her cute. This is symptomatic of a bigger problem where Asian women are constantly erased, talked over, disrespected, dehumanized, not taken seriously, and when noticed, called cute, not just by men but by white women as well. It is toxic, and I'm speaking as an Asian woman who has plenty of experience. Listen to yourselves and try to be empathetic, please. This is why feminism has problems uniting all women.
13
Thank you so very much for pointing this out. You are totally correct, feminism has trouble reuniting women because God forbid a woman who is different from me has a problem that is different from me.
Women just can't seem to support each other and overlook our differences to realize that feminism should apply to ALL women regardless of color.
1
Why does she lump all people together in one group as "Asians"? Is that what the anthropology community refers to as "Mongoloid", but that's offensive now. Same difference. She's referring to people's physical characteristics. Do the Chinese really think of themselves as the same race as the Japanese? I don't think they do.
She should join forces with Katie Couric. She strongly objected to being called 'perky', maybe 'cute' as well. But even her name is perky. Blame her parents!
2
What you are experiencing is annoying, but it is not an Asian woman phenomenon. All women experience comments about their appearance in professional settings.
6
A lot of vitriol here for the author. I think the comments that she described are loaded with sexism and infantilism and if I were spoken to that way on a professional arena (which I have NEVER been), I’d be rightfully pissed off too.
11
Oh good grief! Another "victim", this one complaining that comment (positive) about her looks are racist. I have never, in casual conversation, ever called anybody "cute" or "adorable". And certainly never based on whatever race such a person was. Get over it! Maybe you are just cute and adorable. I can think of far more important things to be concerned about.
16
Asian women don't want to be called adorable.
Asian men don't want to be called high achievers.
AIPAC doesn't want to be called influential.
Republicans don't want to be called high political manipulators.
Thank God, we have We have Trump who is begging us to shower on himall those compliments we can't express:
the best military mind.
the best dealer
the best diplomat
the richest man
the best friend of Israel
the most loyal friend of Putin
the kindest friend of Kim Jung un
the toughest president on Russia
the most intelligent president since Jefferson
oh, and don't forget
the best liar in history
5
@Frank Casa
Spot on brilliant....Are you okay with that compliment?
1
Well, wait a few years and people won't even see you (except your white girlfriends who can't get over how good your skin looks). Middle aged women are invisible. And, yes, it is a relief.
4
One quibble: why was Sacha Baron Cohen's joke "at the expense" of Asians? The underlying implication of the joke is that Asians deserve more roles and more Oscar nominations than they get, which I'd have thought the author would agree with. The structure of these kinds of jokes is point out the listeners' own biases, since the "Minions" answer wasn't what most (or all) of them assumed he was describing. The joke didn't get very many laughs, of course. Perhaps it would have done better if he had ended instead with a comment about having cute little butts, which is one of the Minions' best features; my daughter always cracks up when she sees them. Does this help? As my daughter says, a joke is always funnier if you explain it.
3
I dunno, R.O.
Which is worse? An Asian woman being told she is "adorable"?
Or being asked by a total stranger why I have "that gook woman" for my wife, as has happened to me far more than once?
Perspective; perspective.
3
@DJ McConnell
Which is worse?
The comments like “the adorable” and “that gook woman” come from the same mentality: racism. Of course, the white folks don’t have monopoly over racism. In my experience, plenty of black and brown folks are also afflicted with racist tendencies.
2
I am regularly subjected to comments about my appearance at work. But, I do not understand why we are expected to pretend we are not humans (i.e. objects).
Just because you identify as someone who should not be objectified does not make you any less an object. We (i.e. all the other human objects you meet throughout your day) don't exist to bolster your identity. Just because you identify as a "serious person" does not mean we all have to cater to your identity. No matter how hard you work to be profession does not change the fact that you excrete garbage from multiple orifices, just like everyone else.
I rather enjoy being objectified when I can tell people intend it as a positive statement.
I guess that is just my white male privilege speaking.
1
I come from a fully adopted family. My little sister was Vietnamese and I watched her struggle with this issue for most of her life. People would approach her in public, call her "little China doll", comment on the thickness and blackness of her hair, and just start stroking her hair or trying to touch her. Grown men would randomly shout "Me love you longtime!!" or worse quotes at her in public from shortly after she hit puberty. Sometime if we were out together, they'd hit on her telling her to dump me for them (I'm 6ft, blonde and blue, 200#. She was 4ft 10 and about 100# soaking wet) or try to fight me to prove their manliness. Seeing her deal with the constant harassment was enraging for a protective older brother. Asian women are fetishized to a horrible degree.
295
@TLibby
Thank you so much for posting this. I made previous comments on this essay that were restricted to the professional sphere, but dating as an Asian woman is a whole different ballgame. However, at least it is very easy to detect the creeps from the men who are actually interested in me as a person.
18
@TLibby Many also embrace being fetishized to a pretty shocking degree (Lolita fashion, aegyo, etc.).
9
I’m an Asian surgeon. It gets on my nerves that everyone calls me cute and nice instead of commenting on my surgical skill or my patient care. This happens to other female surgeons also, especially the short ones.
When I was the chief resident, my team walked into a patient’s room for rounds. The patient automatically started asking the tall Caucasian medical student about the surgical plan. He stood there mute and there was an awkward silence from my team. The patient actually commented how surprised he was that the short “girl” is the chief.
14
I wonder if this ever happens to petite black women?
2
J. Waddell, African-American women with "Afro" hair styles receive a similar form of condescending attention: total strangers will often reach out and pat their hair to see what it feels like, as though the women were dogs or ponies.
The physical contact is more disturbing than the "you're so cute!" remarks, but both are obnoxious.
3
Oh I hear you. maybe you can anzwer me this.
Is Tiger Woods a "black asian"? Is Charlize Theron a "white african"?
Is identity ONLY skin deep? No it's not and the sooner we shed our thin skin and speak up when offenses happen the sooner we move past heinous passive aggressive op-eds and comments on injurious statements.
2
@Ms. Sofie Charlize Theron could be purple and still be hot.
1
We should all have such problems.
There are people who are plain, ugly, fat, deformed. Not to mention people who are jobless and poor.
All this article tells me is that the author whines a lot.
17
I can remember one particular occasion when my friend Linda tore into white men’s fetishizing of Asian women. Something which to my male friends was “no big deal, just a joke” was in reality... gross. Just gross. Linda made me see.
To those who still think no big deal. Turn it around - how would you like to be creeped out by strangers on a daily basis because of how you look?
106
@Studioroom
What makes you think I aren't? Ain't
3
While I understand what the author is saying, I'm not sure racism is the problem. My husband and I, both Caucasian, have an adopted Japanese daughter, now grown with a baby of her own. Right now we are in Costa Rica, where my daughter is referred to as "China." In Costa Rica, where there are few Asians, all are assumed to be Chinese. She just laughs.
When we lived in Japan with our two young blond sons, Japanese women and young girls were constantly ruffling my boys' blond hair. My older boy hated it and would duck away. The younger one loved the attention.
All I am saying is that while I agree with your frustration that people want to talk about your looks instead of your work, I'm not sure this is a problem for Asian women only.
10
My understanding of the word racism is this: prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior. Does the author's experience really fit under that banner? There are genuine racists in this country, and it is a problem. But crying wolf only feeds the dismissive attitude that the left is full of SJWs who think everything is racists.
9
"The Incendiaries.”
A suitable title from the author of this article. What a few individuals say to you is not racism. Your interpretation of your perception is racism.
People used to call my shriveled up old skin covered skeleton mother cute. Don't assume I am insulting my mother but her outward appearance in her 90's was not cute. Her manner, her demeanor, the way she interacted with people was described as cute. A person could be ugly as a mud fence and still be called cute if they have a 'cute' manner about them.
7
How many people are tired of being told that they’re attractive? This article and all its vain constructs is insulting.
When you repeatedly make up reasons to be offended you offend us.
14
As a middle aged man I have found it best not to compliment any woman that I don't know very well. The compliments are far to often taken as some kind of pickup line. I have learned to just shut up.
4
This is what I call a “selfie” story. I just returned from korea. The current culture revolves on being cute. Instead of complaining about how Asians are being represented in social media, do somehing so significant that you rise above this. Whiners will never be winners.
13
Ms Kwon article well fits a NYT template:
First, be of a 'victim group'. (essentially, anyone but a white male - especially Christian).
Second, be successful and enjoying a very good life in the United States - except for.....
3. Identify or (more likely) imagine some kind of 'offense' being committed against you. In this case, Ms Kwon decides that comments clearly and sincerely meant as compliments are aggressions. Ms Kwon further imagines that this only happens to her 'victim group'.
In a NYT-esque obligatory manner, she holds up white men as the privileged standard "....try to imagine someone commenting on a white male"....."But white men generally don't get elided like this." (so now we can see Ms Kwon somehow is an expert on the experience of white men -- or perhaps should just read such things in the....NYT).
And notably, her apparent aggressors are not white men, rather other women or in one case another faculty member "...and both of us Asian-American".
Later she self-righteously claims "In other words, it's not just me, not at all." This is of course, is her 'proof'. And her conclusion is "a racism of flattering and erasure"...a "continuing unwillingness to recognize Asian people as full human beings."
Very much the NYT template. And I do feel sorry for Ms Kwon. Those who believe themselves to be victims -- no matter how much success they have -- will never be happy.
Read the NYT every day. You will see many such articles.
24
And in the meantime, in American culture, Asian men are subjected to outright and quiet racism.
With a few exceptions, American media/entertainment treats Asian men as unimportant, to be ignored or as silly nerds.
Movies TV include Asian women in roles as sex/romantic partners for white men. Asian men are not “permitted”
1
I've never done this, but if I had I believe you would have cured me of it permanently. Every time I think we've found the ultimate stupid thing to be upset and insulted about, somebody proves me wrong. Seriously, take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
6
How do you function in life with the daily outrage and being offended at everything?! Serious question.
What would you have done in the 1960's and 1970's and part of the 1980's when a major American air carrier's name was Northwest Orient?!
Different times, different values. Stop being offended! Move on!
9
If this is what you worry about, if this is one of your biggest complaints, I wish I had your problems.
15
The people who make these comments are clueless and ignorant. This society and culture values outward appearance more than anything else. It’s not gonna change soon...
1
This is what I love about Asian women - intelligent, not likely to vote Republican.
1
I have one problem with this otherwise excellent article. Ms. Kwon says "white actors Scarlett Johansson and Emma Stone acted in yellowface, playing Asian characters." Neither Ms. Johansson or Ms. Stone wore yellow face in those movies, because it was essential to their characters that they NOT look like Asians. Ms. Stone's character has to tell people she is Asian, and the script would have made no sense if an Asian had been cast in her role. Ms. Johansson's character has round eyes in the original anime comic, as anime characters always do. To cast an Asian actress in her part would have looked wrong, and probably sparked polite objections from the native Japanese who saw the film. Native Asians, by the way, raised no objections to either of these castings. The objections came from Asian-Americans, many of whom also showed a remarkable cluelessness about colonialist exploitation by insisting that Marvel should have cast a Chinese actor to play a Tibetan character in Doctor Strange.
4
I have the same problem. I'm a physician and give national and international talks at scientific meetings. People attend my presentations, ask questions and some of them also compliment my looks. I'm sick of hearing that I'm smart and beautiful. (I do love to look good, don't get me wrong, but thought I could get some extra attention by pointing out that my beauty is not that important to me, and my brilliant brain is what matters. Oh and btw, can we all agree that I'm pretty and brilliant? Thank you) . I think I'll follow Ms. Kwon's steps and write an open-ed about it. I hope it won't suggest that deep inside I'm insecure about both, my looks and brains, and by writing about it I get to tell the world that I feel privileged enough to have both whether you can see it or not. Hopefully at the end of this article I'll stay in the readers' mind as irresistibly gorgeous and smart, especially to the majority who probably have no idea who I am (but I hope they do now...fingers-crossed)
3
@MC Great sarcasm!
3
I respect Ms Kwan's opinion about feeling objectified when people comment on her looks and ethnicity. It is her life and she has a right to speak out how she feels. I looked her up, yes she is a subjectively -speaking -IMO -an attractive person (as are many writers ... I have a big crush on Walter Mosley). Maybe the people really mean what they say when commenting on Ms. Kwan's appearance with out ulterior racist motives? Maybe some people blurt things out in nervousness upon meeting a favorite author? And now I am going to read her novel.
1
Maybe many whites don’t accept that there is a power differential in white/Asian relationships in the US.
While a white woman may also experience it as demeaning if someone calls her “cute” in a professional setting, it is socially “acceptable” for her to speak up against perceived condescension and protect her sense of self-worth. She usually does not have to face the power dynamics behind race in the interaction.
This is not the case for many Asian American women, who would have race and gender to deal with in the scenario.
Whites have come to expect Asians to be submissive, if not downright docile. Asians do their part in white/Asian social interactions and mostly, consciously or not, play into the passive approval- seeking role of the “model minority.”
Neither has much experience with Asian self-assertion in interracial relationships, especially when it comes to females.
So, each would be shocked if an Asian woman, unlike a white woman, set strong boundaries in defense of Self since there is no script for this.
4
And it would have been meaningful had you explored, or at least gestured to, what ends up being a blind spot in the punchline of this article and a painful history for some of us: the long and ongoing tradition of the adoption of Asian children by white people....
2
These are dangerous waters but I will wade in carefully.
Most of us adjust our appearance depending on what we are doing. If you are on the subway late at night, you don't try to look attractive or flash expensive jewelry. If you are going to a party to find a new lover then you try to be as attractive as possible. You do not want strangers on the subway commenting on your looks. At the party you want compliments on your appearance.
If you are a actor, singer, author, politician, etc.... or anyone in the public space selling something you make an effort to look the part. When you are in front of consumers selling your product people are recognizing your talent and your attractive presence. They are often in awe of you and are just trying to be nice. Of course there will always be a few jerks, that goes with being in the public space.
To be clear I am emphatically not condoning catcalls on the street or sexy comments by your boss.
4
Maybe this doesn't happen because you are an Asian woman. Consider the possibility that you really are cute and adorable.
That doesn't give people the license to ignore the rules of decorum. Commenting on someone's appearance is usually bad manners. And I've lost count of the times I've heard people misidentify Asian (especially women), for example asking a Korean if they are Japanese, or a Japanese if they are Chinese. It's painful to watch even if I have no skin in that game (pardon the unintentional pun).
Still, I wouldn't mind if an attractive woman occasionally told me how handsome I was. Maybe I'm not, but I can dream.
2
Many Japanese women embrace cuteness ("kawaii") is a chosen form of cultural expression. Surely you've noticed the grown Japanese-American women dressed in baby doll clothes or Hello Kitty leggings and sporting teddy bear backpacks. While that may not be your thing, it would be wrong to assume that many of them are not also smart and accomplished.
6
that's is exactly what you're assuming of Japanese women. "...that they are not as smart and accomplished"😀 guess what! I think that they are self-assured and accomplished.
@Magda I'm sure they are, but the "kawaii-ness" is equivalent to "upspeak" that many women (mostly white, but lots of other ethnicities as well) in North America seem to like. Sorry, but if you want to be taken seriously, you have to lose it. It's not about sexism, it's about how certain voices/speech patterns are seen. Would you take a man who speaks like a pothead/surfer dude seriously? I won't.
I understand the irritation. It is, at best, rude, and the name-switching thing does reflect the mind taking short-cuts based on stereotypes, something our minds are designed to do. I was, for a while, the only woman in my group at work. Then there was a second. Our names were used interchangeably. We don't look at all alike. People were pretty clearly, likely unconsciously, using a mental short-cut of "women in x department" and not bothering to remember both our names. Now, 20 years later, when there are lots of women, we tease people about it, mostly as a way of warning people about doing it to others, without shaming them for falling victim to the unconscious short-cut.
I have two kids I adopted. They get a lot of stupid comments. I tell them people just say a lot of stupid things. You have to let it go by and not let it get you. I would say the same to you - not because this is not what you say it is, but because you just can't let every stupid thing get to you. As toxic viewpoints go, this is hardly the worst. In a world where unarmed black teenagers are gunned down, and refugees are turned away, being called cute is demeaning and offensive, but survivable both physically and professionally. Just living through it and making it to the next level of seniority, you will break the mold and make it less likely for THIS to be the short-cut peoples' minds make. Then we can find the next one (which you may very well fall under as well, since it won't be about you).
Words have only so much power as we give them. There are no inherently “bad” or “hurtful” words - it’s all about context, speaker, and audience.
Therefore, if you are offended or hurt by someone calling you “cute” or “adorable” in a professional setting, it seems you’re afraid of not being taken seriously or respected for your achievement(s).
However, you were in fact given respect and accolades for your work. Something else was simply thrown into the moment.
I suggest you work on giving less power to words and what people say about your appearance in settings where you’d rather not hear it remarked upon.
That’s true power, and we all possess it.
2
Just noting that although the author quotes other WOMEN making these inane comments, she still calls out the dreaded WHITE MALE as the enemy.
Also, this whole argument against 'yellowface', 'blackface', etc., when extrapolated to its logical conclusion, means that whites can only play whites, etc. One step further means that Marlon Brando should not have played Vito Corleone, because he had no Sicilian ancestry. Ancient Greek drama can only be performed by Greeks. Macbeth can only be played by Scots. Simply nuts.
6
Get over it. I am constantly being called "young man" by people who I know are at least ten or twenty years younger than I am. Is it irritating? At times. Would I ever dream of writing a column about it? Not in this lifetime. Believe it or not, there are actually larger problems in this world.
9
I loved the movie "Crazy Rich Asians" and couldn't help noticing that the entire cast was comprised of exceptionally beautiful Asian people. Forgive me for my racism - I obviously should not have noticed that and should have instead focused solely on their acting ability.
5
This is a poorly argued editorial. First off, you have not successfully linked the myriad insulting compliments you receive to your race. I have heard women who are generally small and look like their in their 20s or early 30s who are not Asian be referred to as “cute”, “adorable”, or being compared to a Pixie. I am not saying that is ok, I’m just saying that you are making an unfair judgement by determining that all these people are saying these things to you because of your race.
Secondly, I don’t see how people mixing up the names of Asian Americans has absolutely anything to do with the title and alleged subject of this piece. It is a fact that throughout the history of animals on earth, members of the same species, or geographical sub-grouping within a species, have a more easy time quickly recognizing their peers than animals from other species or groups, and members not in their group are more quickly lumped together as “other” to more quickly identify potential enemies. Millions of years of evolution have trained our brains to be quicker at identifying people who are closer to us ethnically. There is nothing racist about mixing up the names of people who don’t look like us, since that’s how we’ve evolved. To expect humans to shed all of our evolutionary instincts after however many decades, centuries, or millenia you want to refer to civilized society as having existed is totally unreasonable.
2
The author should recognize that some of the things she wants to stop are a product of goodwill and decency. It would be ideal if everyone was instantly comfortable with people who look - and sometimes behave - differently. Someone who calls the author cute is probably trying to be nice and pass on a compliment. Canada and the US are in the middle of a process where adorable women from every culture are successfully asserting themselves. The author’s rejoinder is valid. However it’s also the case that the reason the article is worth printing is because it will be read by an audience full of people acting in good faith.
I hardly think this is an issue unique to asian women as the multiple comments on this article clearly suggests. It is an issue all petite women with a certain look has faced at some point or another. In this case, at least, I don’t think it’s about race at all. It’s something we all have to overcome as women with a certain look, period. Furthermore, while I enjoyed seeing an all asian cast in “crazy rich Asians” and I agree that it’s a great first step, the movie depicts a very limited swath of asian society and asian culture and should be taken for what it is, a fluffy feel good romcom that’s far from realistic. It’s called “crazy rich Asians” for god’s sake. I don’t think Hollywood will have achieved true equal representation until movies with asian characters no longer have to resort to stereotypes to get noticed.
1
I have put up with the "cute" label most of my life. I have no Asian ancestry. I am fair skinned and blonde.
But I am 5' tall and weigh 115. I have lost count of the number of times I've been called "cute". I'm also an attorney, and like the writer, I've had to fight the "cute" label to be taken seriously. A dear friend of mine, Jewish with olive skinned coloring who is also very petite, must tolerate the "cute" label.
That said, I am wondering whether the writer might consider that factors other than racism might be playing a role here.
I'm not downplaying the writer's concerns. Rather, I'm explaining that many women face this type of comment from total strangers, and it is far from limited to those of Asian ancestry.
8
Although I agree with the premise that it's a bad idea to comment in any way on other people's appearance, I find a sourness in this piece that seems to undercut the author's otherwise solid point. Maybe that's part of the strategy -- to be so intimidatingly off-putting that people might stop calling you cute -- but it does not seem to work. One thing I got from the article is a total lack of desire to read Kwon's novel.
With so many full-out insults flying around between strangers these days, it really is a tough task to successfully confront the awfulness of calling someone adorable. But I do think Kwon has started a conversation that's worth having.
1
As an almost 74-y.o. white woman who yesterday, sharply pressed for time, dashed into a thrift store in search of props for a play, I was both disconcerted and delayed when a stranger stopped me to comment on my "beautiful" hair, hastily and messily scraped back into a hit-or-miss ponytail.
Such comments are symptoms of the speaker's sense of entitlement -- rudeness in action. These self-appointed guardians of public aesthetics reveal more about their ignorance of good manners than about anyone suffering their misguided attentions.
3
I'm mixed race (I describe myself as "West Indian Mongrel:" black, white, and god knows what else). A long time ago I stopped wearing contact lenses and showed up to work in glasses, round with gold rims. Within 5 minutes, one co-worker told me I looked like Wynton Marsalis, and another told me I looked like Gandhi. Because Marsalis and Gandhi look sooo much alike. (I'm sure Marsalis gets "you look just like Gandhi" comments all the time; or if it's just the glasses, John Lennon. /eyeroll)
It didn't hurt my feelings or make me feel oppressed, but it showed me how little people actually *see* about each other sometimes. Skin color; glasses; maybe a haircut.
4
When, while young, you grow used to attention for your looks, you might be surprised when you miss the attention while you're old. The attention diminishes and then you finally disappear into the surroundings at some point during middle age.
There are worse things that can happen.
7
Are we really now creating another class of “victims”? Please. This is not a good trend, seeing racism in compliments. No wonder everyone hides behind their phones now, afraid to have any kind of meaningful one on one interaction. If this is the big cause today then we really have reached perfection in our society.
8
@Thomas Aquinas - "No wonder everyone hides behind their phones now, afraid to have any kind of meaningful one on one interaction."
I know! I mean, if you can't open a conversation with a comment on someone's appearance, then what on earth is the point of even talking to people??
3
Two thoughts.
First, as a well-traveled,late middle-aged looking woman with white hair, I have often experienced people of other races or ethnicities i met in public places on my travels, comment on the colour of my skin ("fair"), or ask to have their picture taken with me. I am not offended, because I understand that for people who rarely see white people, I am exotic. They want to show the people back home they met a real life westerner. So I am on the vacation photos of stranger all over Asia and the Middle East.
Second, as someone who lives in a multicultural society who has traveled to very homogeneous ones, I have become aware of how lazy I am in describing or recognizing people by their unique physical features, because it is so easy to rely on the more obvious differences: "the short blonde", "the tall brunette", "the redhead", because usually that suffices.
But I have trouble distinguishing between all those tall, blonde, blue-eyed models and actresses, for example, they all look the same to me...
Police descriptions of people here reflect this as well. I wonder, how do police in an Asian or Middle Eastern country describe suspects, when almost everyone has straight black hair and dark brown eyes? Or in Scandinavian when most people are tall blue-eyed blondes? It isn't easy to describe more subtle facial features; "The suspect has a round face and small eyes?"
7
These are the flavor of comments all women receive regardless of race. So tall and slender. So cute and adorable. Such beautiful skin. What stunning eyes. Your hair is lovely. It's the just the "horrible" hand you've been dealt to be attractive to others and have them notice. It's something anyone, male or female, that is attractive, has to "deal with". Who hasn't been unable to concentrate on what a handsome man/woman was saying due to the "distraction" ... even going so far as to give a compliment? It's nature and evolution at it's core. We are first seen and then heard, regardless of context. You are not being slighted or disrespected in any way. Just take the compliment, be happy for it even, graciously say "thank you" and continue impressing with your other talents.
9
I think this is another instance of silencing expression of someone else's feelings or observations presuming that they are not heartfelt. The boundaries of political correctness rolls on and on expanding and intruding on how people think and feel. I wish everyone looks at everyone one else as a person and without judging them by the color of their skin or national origin or race but we are not going to reach that stage any time soon. We practically would have to be robotic to not notice the difference between beauty and the beast and by that I mean inner beauty of the heart or the expression of beauty.
Ms Kwon you have every right to choose to decide what people at work should talk to you about. I am sure if you made it very clear to your co-workers that you do not appreciate comments about your hair and skin in fact you are offended that there are some Americans who call Asian Women adorable. It is a free country and if someone offends you after telling them not to complement you on your appearance or talk about it and they still do then I would say they are harassing you in your work place and grounds for legal action. I think there is room and freedom in the USA for a "I am not adorable" moment to stop calling Asian women adorable.
1
In the world that I live and work in, it is quite common to pay and receive a compliment and I think that it is a way to connect on a very human level.
Sad to think that telling someone of any race or gender or physicality that the are attractive or cute or well dressed or groomed is un-appreciated. This is considered to be racist?
3
You're absolutely right, but may I confess that I have called Marie Kondo adorable? But not Michelle Yeoh, whom I've called awesome and magnificent (words I've also directed at the likes of Michelle Obama and Judy Dench). Meaning, I don't think Marie Kondo is adorable because she's Asian. (I'm awestruck by Michelle Yeoh because she's Michelle Yeoh, not because she's Asian.)
Marie Kondo is adorable because she's adorable, and if she didn't want to be, she would cultivate a different persona. And if she weren't adorable, her whole message (philosophy? shtik?) might be less appealing.
Besides, I'm 61—young women and men who present themselves as sweet or kind or coltish may elicit the word "adorable" from me. It doesn't mean I don't see their other qualities. It means I feel a rush of grandmotherly warmth. Must we all go through life wanting to project power and dominance and not admiring others for gentle or delicate qualities and never allowing ourselves to feel anything for others but a cool distance?
I'm not saying that as a writer you haven't experienced genuine disrespect—the comments on your appearance when you were there to talk about your work were diminishing. I just resist the idea that calling Marie Kondo adorable makes me a racist. If I had gone to hear you talk about your book, I would've been engaging intellectually with you on the terms you set. But you can't tell me that Kondo doesn't deliberately make use of her ability to elicit the "adorable" response.
2
Ok, I had to read this essay because seeing the word “adorable” in reference to Asian women caused a ‘say what??’ reaction.
My view has always been that we all have stereotypes, and must fight them daily....some but not all, a few but not every, etc. Reading this essay title, I confess a stereotyped image came briefly to mind.
Being run down by a shopping cart: having a parking space taken away at the last possible moment by a driver determined to have it; leaving the right side of the sidewalk for a woman walking wherever she felt entitled. Anecdotal, for sure. But over time, repetition, a picture, an image. Not adorable, not cute.
I’ll fight my images, and hope the author fights hers- whatever they may be. Thoughtful essay overall.
I feel the author's pain. How demeaning and upsetting it must be to be called "adorable" and other such racist epithets by everyone from progressive feminists to chauvinist men.
I'm a middle-aged man and largely bald. In professional settings, everyone from my department chair to the lowliest intern has seen fit to joke about my baldness in some way or another--always affectionately. Should I interpret this attention to my appearance as some kind of sexist (or racist?) attack?
We all have our crosses to bear, some more stoically than others.
4
When I was a kid, my best friend was Chinese American. His mother would say things right in front of me that were incredibly hurtful, as if I weren't even standing right there. When in their house I certainly had a clear understanding that at least the mother thought herself and family superior.
Recently, two acquaintances were talking, and one says to the other (who just so happens to share my name), "why did your mother give you a generic white boy name"?
I could go on and on about my experiences. My point is not to discount or justify Ms. Kwon's experiences but rather to point out that everyone, even we "generic white boys", in other words, anyone who spends any significant time around people who see you as somehow other will experience these micro-aggressions. My experience tells me that oblivious and sometimes even downright crummy people come in all shades, creeds, ethnicities, etc.
2
Marie Kondo IS pixie-ish: petite, even by Japanese standards, with sparkling eyes, child-like gestures and enthusiasms. She fairy-like spreads her "magic" to trusting host homes to tidy them up. Conflating descriptions of this carefully-honed TV personality image with comments on you/other writers seems a bit much, no? Japanese too would also consider her pixieish I believe.
2
I'm a South Asian woman. I don't mind compliments on my looks or Indian clothes. So don't presume to speak for all of us
14
Wow, Sacha Baron Cohen said something offensive, hard to believe. But difficulty in parsing East Asian faces is quite real; I’m still trying to convince my wife after that night with her sister.
5
People talking about each other's looks is a human phenomenon of all cultures world wide--including sometimes positive comments when regarding people of other races. This is not a particular American phenomenon. For example, in China, the reverse happens all the time.
Space on the pages of The New York Times is incredibly valuable for its potential to make us aware of genuinely serious issues and problems facing all sorts of segments of mankind. And yet, this article dedicates space to someone's perception of a micro-insult against them. Wow, sad to see what the New York Times has become.
4
Never to the best of my knowledge having been publicly labeled "adorable"or "cute," I cannot fully appreciate the author's disaffection for those terms. I must say, however, that the tags she describes seem better suited to a cherished house pet than to a sentient human being.
Clearly, Ms. Kwon writes very well. As for her "adorability," hey, it could be a whole lot worse than that. Trust me; I know.
1
Take a deep breath and relax. There is nothing wrong with being adorable.
8
My wife is blonde. Most people think that she's cute. When we visited China she drew a crowd almost everywhere that we went. In Shanghai, during a river cruise, many people stood in line while she posed for pictures with anyone who asked. Many times she was groped while we were minding our own business walking down the street. Never did it occur to her to complain about this blatant racism and objectification. The tall African-American gentlemen that traveled with us had it much worse. Yes, people are insensitive when they deal with other human beings that don't look like them. Not a serious problem. Not even close.
9
I think we need to be very careful about labeling every comment about looks as racism and even "violence." What Kwon describes is much more sexist than racist and much more demeaning than violent. Words matter. When disrespectful sexist comments, racially tinged or not, become "violence," the racists and sexists dismiss women as oversensitive whiners. That's a problem when real, physical violence is still so prevalent against women, especially women of color.
If people are demeaning and objectifying you by calling you "adorable" and commenting on your silky hair, tell them pointedly, "I'm here to talk about my work." Saying nothing and then accusing them of racist "violence" later in the press doesn't make anyone behave more respectfully or professionally.
6
The only women whose physical appearance gets comments from me are my wife and daughters. They’d kill me if I didn’t compliment. Of course, I also rave about our grandson, who is beyond adorable and makes the Gerber baby look like a troll. But I have never commented on the physical appearance of a non-family member unless specifically asked.
I’ve gotten a fair number of such comments myself, though, as a 6’6” white male with size 18 feet. They are often humorous, and I laugh at them.
I think Ms. Kwon is overly sensitive, but frankly, commenting on people’s appearances to their faces seems impolite to me, regardless of context, aside from family or intimacy situations.
3
"Literary festivals" and book signings are not "work" or work places. The audience goes to these events for fun -- to gawk at the performers and talk to people to whom they'd otherwise have no access. And since most of them have probably never read you, that leaves comments on your appearance. Which you've no doubt taken trouble to perfect for the occasion.
If you don't want to encounter these types, don't go as a celebrity to these events. In a word, you're asking for it, however unthinking and offensive "it" may be.
6
@jrd, shocking comment. After persuasively explaining exactly why reducing someone to their physical attributes is a form of dehumanization, you blamed the recipient.
1
is this some kind of advertisements? I usually heard different scenarios of which I will not enumerate!!
Is there a woman alive whose appearance has never been remarked upon in a professional setting? It’s a gender hazard, but if the remark is meant as a compliment it might be best to try not to read too much into it, say thanks, and get back to the topic at hand.
7
I have shrunk as I moved into my sixties. I also get the cute description although nothing about me is cute. I am a CRNA, and take great care of people during surgery but, let’s face it, women are described by their apperance. How many times has Hillary Clinton been condemed for her apperance or any other high profile woman for that matter. Hair, clothes, make up are often the only descriptors not their accomplishments.
I can see how it frustrates you and the only way to stop it is to continue to bring attention to the fact that women are as much their brains as they are their bodies. And then drive it home!
121
@AHW
Women tend to take a sometimes inordinate amount of care about their appearance. I suppose other people could redouble their efforts not to notice, but it is really something that rests with the individual.
5
@Peter
It's not true of every woman, but do you think it might possibly have something to do with living in a society that constantly scrutinizes women's looks, rewards the beautiful and chastises the unattractive?
How can you see this as occurring a vacuum? What a luxury.
18
@Peter Wow. Chicken and egg. Some women take inordinate care of their appearance because that's the basis on which so many women are judged.
17
This article will certainly help with improving awareness. But that is about all that can be expected for this coming decade.
It is a learning experience such that the men are having trouble fathoming what the fuss is about. Baby, you look good. What is wrong with that??
I miss Miss Manners. She would have set everyone straight and defended Ms Kwon. It is rude to comment on a person's appearance unless it is explicitly asked for. It's just bad manners. That it happens to certain races or sexes more than other adds racism and sexism to the simply very very bad manners. There is an expression in Spanish, mal educado. It means badly brought up.
199
@mary bardmess Where does "Miss Manners" say that one should ASK to be complimented on one's appearance before making the compliment? WHO asks to be complimented? WHY should one need to ask to be told "you look nice today"? Not in any world I want to live in....
13
@ManhattanWilliam There's a kind of presumption in commenting on someone's appearance -- as if you're in a position to judge them, as if you're evaluating them. I never thought about this until I went out with a guy who didn't like people remarking on his tallness. It's a personal thing to do -- comment on appearance, and if you're trying to be nice, then consider that for some people it isn't what they want.
16
@JS: I think it is important to be sensitive to other people's feelings, but I think your explanation is a bit off the mark. There is a difference between reacting to someone or something and thinking that one is in a special position to make an evaluation, that is, claiming that one's evaluation has some particular validity. I can look outside and exclaim what a beautiful day without claiming to be some expert on beautiful days or to be the designated person in our society who gets to determine which days are beautiful and which aren't. Of course, if one does imply to the tall person that they exist only to serve as a foil for one's comments about tallness, then that is kind of obnoxious.
5
Take a look at some of the "coverage" of the British royal family. Even the men are called "adorable".
4
Read Kwon's "Self/Reflection" piece in the New York Magazine of April 6, 2018. Here, she seems obsessed with physical appearance and tells readers that she wears a lot of black eye shadow because she wants to be viewed as a fierce superhero. A year has passed since Kwon's fashion/beauty submission was published, and maybe the author has reverted to her prior "natural" look--a bit of eyeliner and lip balm. I doubt this, however, as she expressed great eagerness to avoid the female Asian stereotype--happy, accommodating, subdued, and humble.
Ethnic stereotyping and personal observations can be anywhere from off-putting to offensive. Best to avoid them. What flatters and charms in Georgia may offend in New York or San Francisco, where Kwon lived and taught. Writers who appear at book-signing events consider themselves entrepreneurial professionals, eager to share their thoughts and perspectives. Promotion is part of their job. Flatter their goals or work, not their appearance. Don't belittle these hardworking and accomplishing literary ambassadors as "cute" and "adoptable" or seek to ingratiate yourselves with them by asking about their makeup techniques and remarking on how powerful and intense they look. They came to sell, and you have a fine opportunity to learn. Discuss language and ideas!
1
Can one differentiate by this op-ed if the comments made to Ms. Kwon were based upon stereotypes of Asian-Americans, sexism, sincere admiration or even just plain old jealousy of another woman's beauty?
5
@Helen,
some people are unable to resist their own reactions to charm, and Ms. Kwon seems to have some. Those people should get to know themselves, get familiar with when they are intoxicated with the various chemicals that cause pleasure, and be able to sort out what is valuable and what is stupid.
Just on a whim, I did some research on Ms. Kwon. Here's a link to an article she wrote about the look she's going for. Apparently, she feels that a lot of black eye shadow and high heels make her look "fierce" like a superhero.
Every cosmetics counter I have ever seen has had the word "beauty" prominently displayed. Heels are similarly associated with an enhancement of physical appearance.
Ms. Kwon might be more forgiving of people who lack the super power of reading her mind and imagine her make-up and fashion choices might be an effort to look, you know, pretty. But should you ever see her, be sure to tell her she's scary. She'll love it.
https://www.thecut.com/2018/04/why-i-always-wear-black-eyeshadow.html
14
@Maddy Williams Thank you for pointing out the utter hypocrisy of this person! It's OK, as she says, to call her "fierce" but not "adorable" because her eyeshadow wasn't meant to give that impression. This Op Ed is such a lot of nonsense trying to turn a simple compliment into something sexist or even racist.
8
@ManhattanWilliam
It's a boast wrapped in outrage and sprinkled liberally with accusations of racism and sexism. She wants us to know that people tell her she's nice looking all the time. Then she wants to assert her feminist credentials by deploring it.
5
With all the hatred in the world today, I'm sorry but I'm just not going to get excited or upset about hearing from someone who doesn't appreciate being "complimented", even if they THINK the compliment just isn't what they want to hear, where they want to hear it. Maybe we need to lighten up and stop trying to make people WITH GOOD INTENTIONS into robots who aren't supposed to notice if someone is attractive or pleasant or funny or dynamic or whatever else might be the attribute that one notices. ENOUGH already with all the DON'TS, especially when the intention behind it is meant to be positive!
12
There are a lot of very good points in this essay. Some of these points are about sexism and racism intertwined. As a man, I can only experience the broader context of these slights from stories. The thing that enabled me to see the sexism here was an otherwise very retro Hollywood Comedy called "Kisses for my President". It shows the first woman president having to begin every diplomatic and political meeting by receiving a string of compliments on her appearance. The movie was written so she didn't have problems with this, but by the 3rd time this happened, I was ready to scream at these guys. I used to assume that any woman would always be glad to receive a compliment about her appearance. Not anymore. There are times a woman wants to be seen as a woman, others she wants to be seen as a colleague or creator.
Context is also important for the compliment "cute". When an Anglo says this to an Asian woman, The subtext is "part of why you are attractive is that you are so much smaller than I am." There would be no implications of that if the compliment were given by an Anglo man to an Anglo woman.
All of this is nothing but my interpretation of Ms. Kwon's article, subject of course to her correction. No one has any business deciding that someone else ought to be insulted by something.
4
I'm a female attorney, and 4'11". It began 35 years ago, when all that was available to wear were puffy sleeves and kitten bows. My hubsand's co-worker though it was so nice that I could do "almost everything a real lawyer does, except go to court." I'm cute, adorable, a little lady, but that's not what persuades judges. It was an uphill battle. You'll survive, but it is something that white males don't have to experience.
12
@vandalfan
There is a real impact to our physical attributes, M/F alike. There is a good reason why people in sales are on average significantly more attractive than the general population. But there are plenty of people who aren't far up on the hunk/cute scales who are quite successful in sales. They bring something else valuable to the table.
I'm a 6'3" reasonably good looking, reasonably smart guy, with a good and persuasive speaking voice. In a room of male models, you would pass right by me, no second glance.
If I was an attorney in court, I would have a small but real advantage over an average height guy of more average looks, which he could readily overcome with a better case or stronger presentation. In business, I'm more likely to get the promotion, too...if he doesn't outperform me somewhere else.
When it comes to the genetic lottery, life isn't fair. And we all notice and respond to physical attractiveness, by whatever our own personal standards for beauty are. Men and women alike. Put the ex-cheerleader in a conference room presenting (or in the courtroom arguing,) and watch everyone pay 10% more attention.
That will never change, no matter how many OpEd columns like this come out. Because - even if we don't openly comment, we all see what we see, and react to it. Pretending this isn't so denies the obvious.
1
I agree with the author that too much attention is payed to women's appearance. However, I do not agree that one should be offended just because one is mistaken, even repeatedly, for someone else. At my first professional job as a criminal prosecutor, my colleagues and the judges and court staff that I interacted with repeatedly mistook me for two other lawyers in my office. Why? Our ages spanned 20 years. We didn't look much alike. Our features were quite different. Among other things, my eyes are green, theirs are dark brown. Our noses were very different. One of the three of us (not me) was strikingly beautiful. However, we are each Caucasian, brunette, wore similar hairstyles and we dressed in conservative suits.
2
Ms. Kwon, I think you could have come to your point a little sooner. FYI, Asian Americans have been talking about the issues you crammed in at the end for decades— going back to at least the early-mid 80s when I was a college. As for being called cute by strangers or even colleagues, some (but not all) of it is related to how you carry yourself. I may not be beautiful or young (any longer) but I can’t recall being called cute. (Yes, I am Asian. I walk with intent, talk with an attitude and sometimes use foul words.)
When I worked in Harlem, many (but not all) of my white female colleagues complained about being accosted on the street. It was something neither my African American female colleagues nor I had experienced. The local police precinct did a presentation for us — and talked a lot about behaviors.
5
I'm a woman with a naturally down-turned and small mouth and when I was younger (from my teens through age 35), I heard "you need to smile more". Always from men.
If you are a person who feels the need to comment on another person's, especially a stranger's, appearance, just stop. It is not necessary or warranted or invited. Enough already.
23
I prefer kindness.
Ahh envy! Ain't it great and awkward and off putting. As to the point about having difficulty identifying individuals from another race it is well researched that this is common problem for all races.
To that point, I teach in Asia and once went into a restaurant where I was confused for Sean Connery (in my dreams). They offered me a free bottle of wine to which I of course replied "martini...dry...stirred not shaken.
Also I regularly get comments on my looks or body so this is not singularly one group's issue. I believe we all have constant thoughts about other people including their looks, age, size, race etc. but my motto is when in doubt keep them to yourself and when you do state them watch carefully for the person's reaction and be prepared for a response that might not be what you expect.
( Not that anyone is asking for help here and I suggest you stop reading if you are not...but) Lastly an interpersonal and playful gambit I use to get through unpleasant and awkward moments like this is to accept the compliment/put-down/insult and turn it on its head for example
Other: You are so handsome.
Moi: Yeah but you should see me before I put on my makeup.
I prefer kindness.
4
Ms. Kwon, and others who find themselves in her situation, do have the option of controlling the narrative. When someone mentions her skin or hair or says she's adorable she could simply say "thank you, but I'm here to discuss my work." Or, if she isn't afraid to be a little less polite about it, simply say, "Your comment is not complimentary. It's demeaning." Women don't have to accept being patronized and disrespected, but the need to be polite often overrides their need to be taken seriously, and so they end up resentful. Ms. Kwon mentions in the article that she wishes she had responded differently to the stranger's remark. Since Ms. Kwon is so often speaking to crowds, she could take that opportunity to mention the feelings expressed in this piece. Telling an audience beforehand that any mention of "adorableness" will not be welcome should help reduce the chance it will happen.
7
@Ms. Pea I think that’s what she’s doing with this article.
1
This morning I watched Korea and Japan played for the bronze medal in the women's curling world championship. Now Switzerland is battling Sweden for the gold. I know curling is a Canadian thing and at one time my wife let me get on the ice.
Curling is a game where often men and women are on the same team and if someone cheats there is no remedy because it is understood in curling no one cheats.
Having watched curling for over 50 years I know the announcers will never comment on anything except the curling or Norwegian Curling pants. It is the culture, these are the rules of the culture and should someone deviate from the rules no one would know what to do.
These are difficult times because how we respond to the transitions has yet to see an Emily Post Book of Etiquette. At the age of 71 I find all the women beautiful and much of the beauty is the infinite number forms in which we find beauty if that is what we look for.
The women on the Swiss and Swedish teams are beautiful but if you are looking for a lead or second you are looking for someone who can bench press 100 kilos not just eye candy.
Last week when I was called for my annual cystoscopy the first after my urologist retired the person who called took great pains to tell me his replacement was female. The indignity I suffered was that someone would assume that I did not know 70% of new doctors are female and in our society that tries to be totally merit based 70% of new doctors will always be female.
3
@Montreal Moe
Listen, I don't care whether I see a male or female doctor in terms of quality of care, but some people are more comfortable with a doctor of the same sex touching very personal body parts. In my youth, I didn't have much choice, my doctors were male. Now, being closer to your age, I have the luxury of choosing, and I choose female doctors. I think it was wise and prudent that the scheduler informed you that your new doctor would be female so you could have the opportunity to choose.
1
When an opinion article on a similar topic appeared a while back, several commenters, including me, who live abroad in places where white people are a minority, reported having similar experiences. As it has become easier for people to move around, everyone is learning how to interact with people who are "different" from the majority in some way as just fellow human beings. It's a process, it's something everyone needs to learn, and it's good for us to tell each other when things are uncomfortable or upsetting. As a white person, I also found it valuable to be on the receiving end, to experience what that feels like. However, I also have noticed a danger, in that when I focus too much on my own hurt feelings, I stop noticing how I treat others, which can be just as bad. For example, in the movie Crazy Rich Asians, one aspect of life here in Asia shown in the film that didn't seem to fit reality was the Asian-American being looked down upon by Asian relatives. It is true that Asians who grew up in the west are often viewed here as not fitting in culturally, but it is also true that Asian-Americans can view both the Asians and non-Asians who live here with distain, as somehow backward or not "having what it takes" to succeed in the US or Europe. We all have a lot of work to do in learning to value our fellow human beings!
8
Great points! I would encourage you to bluntly tell those wishing to adopt you, "I'm a grown woman; that's weird. Bye now." And to directly confront other inappropriate statements as well. However, I must echo the other white male commenter from earlier: I am *constantly* calling Brian "Mark" and Chris "Steve". These are people I know. I'm not proud; it's embarrassing. And it happens to me. I don't think it's racial or gender based. Good and needed article though about the infantilization overall.
4
If I were that were me I'd figure out a way to monetize my cuteness!
3
It’s one thing to compliment someone on their clothes, haircut, glasses, etc. Those are things the person can control, and has consciously chosen as an expression of their identity. It’s another to comment, even in a complimentary way, on physical characteristics they were born with, and have no control over whether they like them or not. That can make people very uncomfortable.
It happened to me recently when out of the blue a student I was helping with a printing problem told me what beautiful skin I have. (I am white, since that seems to be relevant to this discussion). I have gotten that a few times, and never know what to say to it, so I usually smile and say something about the benefits of sunscreen (I’m also over 50, so that has something to do with good skin). Even though it’s clearly meant as a compliment, coming from a total stranger it still feels awkward, out of place. I think that unless you know a person well, commenting on their inborn features or asking about beauty regimens is inappropriate. Saying they’re wearing a nice scarf is different.
11
@Nikki unless you work in skincare. We comment on each other's skin, regimens, and treatments all the time. But your comment has made me aware that folks outside my work life might find that off-putting. Thank you for that; I'll be more mindful.
3
So, now you can't even compliment anyone, because she may be offended. Why can't a great writer have nice skin or hair. Obviously people at the book signing were there for authorship. I wonder now beautiful women would say don't praise my smartness.
Social media, identity politics, and political correctness are driving many people to become constant complainers.
28
@Jack A great writer can have nice hair etc. but when someone is at an event to discuss their accomplishment, telling them that you are putting their physical gifts on equal par with what they have achieved through hard work is not a "compliment." Now, if this was a modeling show, then compliments on appearance would be appropriate. Telling a grown woman that you're not besties with, that they are "cute" is demeaning under any circumstance, unless they are carrying a "My Little Pony" purse. Why is this so hard?
8
@Jack
One thing that we don't discuss is that some women are "hyper-groomers." They go out of their way to look perfect--hair that has been conditioned and treated so that it is perfectly straight and shiny, faces that are so made-up that they resemble dolls, rather than actual humans and outfits so overly coordinated that they give an appearance of severe perfection. Considering all of this, they'd have to be clueless to expect that people wouldn't comment on their looks.
Maybe they should look in the mirror for a little self-reflection!
1
@Sue
Because it is easier and desirable to "live and let live," than get angry for someone's well-intended remarks.
4
I am sorry Ms. Kwon feels discomfort in those situations.
Perhaps instead of only talking about the book, she also would be helping the audience and herself if she made a few additional comments: State how disturbing it is—how it invades her personal reserve and makes her feel treated like a child—when people focus on what they call the “ cute appearance “ of her and other Asians.
Just a two sentence statement, before the book signing, would suffice.
Now despite that, I must add:
When I have traveled to China and Japan, female guides have been willing to share some of their home skin care treatments after a few of us carefully broached the subject. (Yes, Greek yogurt as a substitute for the Cinese product is a TERRIFIC facial and hand mask 3 times a week! You won’t believe what a difference it makes.)
And every single moisturizer I have ever bought in Japan or China—for myself or as gifts to people—has evoked raves. Usually people say of the gifts of ordinary Chinese and Japanese moisturizers that they “are the best I ever have used!”
So perhaps we could acknowledge that there is genuine envy and admiration for those skin care methods that we do not know.
5
@Jean "Perhaps instead of only talking about the book, she also would be helping the audience and herself if she made a few additional comments: State how disturbing it is—how it invades her personal reserve and makes her feel treated like a child—when people focus on what they call the “ cute appearance “ of her and other Asians."
NOT her job! Don't put this on her. It's on us to do better.
2
Regarding the author's assertion about name mixups: I'm a white male. I have worked in a jobs where I was regularly called the by the name of another white guy my age. This happened most often in an office where there were only two of us around that age. It was done by people of all races and ethnic groups and happened to others of different backgrounds as well. I've seen the same thing happen to my son by the staff at his school. And I've done it many times to white males (and everyone else) as a teacher.
17
I think the author is correct in pointing it out in this context, since she was the star attraction. Brining into the world of work, it would be more alike to getting the name of your boss wrong.
1
Perhaps. But what does it mean? Is it racism? As part of my job, I encounter some of the same people on an occasional basis from year to year, sometimes close up, other times from a distance (I'm keeping details vague to preserve my anonymity). Last summer, I saw one such person on TV. I didn't know his name and don't know if I've ever actually spoken to him. This winter, I thought I encountered him at an event, but when I told him I had seen him on TV, he informed me that I actually saw another African-American man of about the same age who serves in a similar role. Both are distinguished in that they are large and of similar athletic build and, as he explained, have been told that look alike. Again, I have encountered these guys a handful of times over the years. Should I feel guilty for mixing them up? Am I a racist? The author seems to imply that I am. Yet, I think of a black school aide who once asked of me "Wait, which one is he?" after calling my son by the name of the other white boy (of the 2 in the class). We both knew she wasn't being racist, just acknowledging a common way that we categorize people mentally. Should I feel guilty the next time, when, inevitably, I mix up two Asian kids' names? What about the Chinese boy I sometimes call by the name of his Puerto Rican classmate. Is that racism, too?
I struggle with this exact problem at work. I completely understand Kwon's frustration. She's an amazing writer with a unique voice. Has anyone read The Incendiaries?
5
@K. Miller
Not now, I won't be, not after this. My white dollars aren't good enough for her.
I never heard my favorite Asian-British actor, Burt Kwouk, complain about remarks about his "little yellow skin." Why does this woman not understand subtleties of intention and instead concretely insist on her own narrow use of words without the 90% of the rest of the communicative context and intention?
1
@K. Miller
No. Being a white racist myself I would be offended to read such a book.
Isn’t she saying, more generally, that when one is working, focus on the work, not on what is unrelated. When someone is focusing on something and you change the subject, why are you doing so? You might well want to call attention to something more urgent, like a fire or a call about one’s child, etc., but all too often, people change the subject because they are reacting. Someone feels inadequate or threatened or desirous and expresses that with no regard to whether it is wanted. It’s imposed. Surely, we can all agree that it is distancing to have someone do this, to impose on you because they are reacting to some old thought in their head that has nothing to do with you?
12
the "infantilizing" of Asian people (women and men) needs to stop -- these comments could be compared to the situation of an older man calling a young man "boy" or "young man", or other patronizing, humiliating social situations - not a perfect analogy but the best I can come up with, and as a man myself I hate being treated like that. There are much better ways to compliment A woman's appearance, by using other words, that are not infantilizing -- treating grown women as though they're little girls.
I think the reason why many people don't get it, is that the majority of the population think that they would gladly trade places and be called cute and adorable on a daily basis. Perhaps if they did, they'd realize what the drawbacks are.
29
@gus. You seem to be missing the point that in a professional situation there is *no* appropriate way to compliment a woman's appearance.
@msmaven a book signing is not really a "professional setting", as in a workplace (where such comments are not ok). It's a big issue for example if a literary agent makes those types of comments. A fan is not a co-worker, and does not have a professional relationship with the author. If you are a celebrity interacting with fans (as an author would be), your looks are part of the package, for better or for worse. I say this as somebody who appears publicly often, and sometimes gets nasty comments about how I look.
Where it crossed the line in my opinion is the choice of words used by the fan towards the author, which came across as not only disrespectful, but even creepy.
2
I'm sure many of these commenters would tell a woman who got catcalled in the street to just "be grateful for the attention, you'll miss it when you get older". This attitude is mainly the provenance of an older generation and the world will be better off when it dies out.
42
@SRB
Jesse, isn't that agist?!
(smile.)
4
As usual in the comments on a piece like this, about half the submissions from men consist of admonitions that women should not be so sensitive to insensitive comments.
For my part, I would never make a comment to a woman about her appearance unless we had a special relationship. It’s demeaning, in public or private. How hard is that to understand?
147
@Paul Kolodner
Sure Paul Kolodner, what could be wrong about sucking the humanity out of everyday life?
8
@Paul Kolodner
Not only is it hard to understand, it's absurd. How did we become so politically correct that we can't compliment someone?
Complimenting people on their appearance, whether they deserve it or not, is a traditional human nicety. "My, you've lost weight!" (even when you haven't). Even I have been complimented for my appearance, and I'm not exactly attractive, even for a guy.
Maybe we should combine this with another sign of first world neurosis, trigger warnings. As in "Warning: this person may say something nice about you." That way, the professional victims can be forewarned.
9
@Paul Kolodner, making a comment to a woman about her appearance is demeaning?
Fortunately, you are not the arbitor of this (nor am I), but I do wonder where you get that. I can tell you this: when I pay someone a compliment on their appearance, man or woman, and whether on dress, accessories, hair, or any other "effort" they have made to be appealing, I in NO WAY am demeaning them! Only I know my feelings (pointedly: you do not), and those are they.
And judging by the reactions I get, the recipients of the compliments in no way feel demeaned or lessened.
So, for a substantial set of humanity, you are flat out wrong. If neither party to an exchange shares your point of view, it is not your place to impose it!
7
So many well meaning people are expressing their irritation at being asked to be polite in a way they may not have considered before. I imagine they will recover.
29
It's all in how you perceive things. When someone pays you a compliment, take it graciously and then don't over-analyze.
For example, as a south Asian, I'm complimented on my skin constantly. I don't fly into a rage, and start interpreting it as anything else other than a compliment.
That's the price of living in a multiethnic society – people paying compliments to other ethnicities often in innocence.
73
@Shamu As a South Asian woman, I completely disagree. I frequently get "compliments" from strangers about my skin, eyes, hair, etc., which would be nice if they weren't paired with comments like "where are you from?", and then when I respond with the name of the American city where I was born and raised, persisting by asking me where I am "really" from. I don't need the validation, especially when it's paired with othering.
26
@SRB
In America we're all "really" from somewhere else unless we're native americans. Questions about heritage are part of our common discourse from kindergarten onwards. It isn't necessarily a hostile or insensitive question here.
26
@DavidF
Although it's no longer politically correct to be interested in other people's background, innocent questions about family and background used to be the backbone of making friends in New York City. When I grew up in Pre-Artisinalhipster Brooklyn I was asked all the time where I was from, and if I was "Catholic or Jewish" because most people in our first generation neighborhood didn't actually know what a Methodist or and Episcopalian is. It wasn't "othering" at all. It was just interest, getting to know one another. When people asked "where are you from they meant where did your parents or grandparents immigrate from, in other words, what were your family customs, and more important, what kinds of food did you eat on holidays and could I try some?
21
I had an amusing experience as an older white Southerner - not unique, I expect. I turned up at a meeting with other teachers and administrators and was immediately directed, by a petite Asian lady, to the restroom to fix a leaking faucet. This person assumed that I was the plumber! Why would she assume such a thing? Well, like everyone else, I was wearing jeans but I have southern accent, a belly, and craggy features. Just so you know I fixed the sink - I had tools in my truck. So, she wasn't wrong! So, my point is that in the grand scheme of things this will happen. Yet, I agree with the author that men, in particular, should be careful about complementing petite women as though they are children and try harder to learn peoples' names. This is not just an Asian petite woman problem.
94
@Redneck
No, everyone experiences that at sone time to a greater or lesser degree. But you weren't being sexualized or fetishized by those assumptions. Asian women usually are.
3
@Redneck
HAH! This made me laugh.
It's true, we all stereotype people too often.
5
Maybe she is just ‘cute’. Nothing to do with gender or race. People criticize people who say nothing and other people become sticklers with every letter that comes out of everyones mouth. Our grandsons told us we have to say ‘they’ or ‘them’ not he or she. So if some of us actually speak in the future we will get criticized for opening our mouths. What a society.
16
@Joyce Con I was thinking the same thing. I'm feeling more and more that I just must keep whatever I need to say to anyone else that doesn't look like me to the bare minimum and with a neutral expression and tone. But I'm sure that someone will interpret that wrong, too.
2
People say all sorts of things about the looks of girls and women. Perhaps you might consider the wisdom of my grandparents - when I was a "very cute", "Gerber baby" little girl, they armed me with all sorts of maxims so that the compliments would not go to my head and turn me vain. "Beauty is as beauty does", "beauty is only skin deep", "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", "age before beauty" are the ones that come to mind. To this day, I've never been particularly stuck on my looks, just accepting that what my face looks like is an accident of birth.
3
When you are 80 and called cute (as I am on both counts), you will know what feeling demeaned is. By the way, I am called cute when I express a cogent thought--of which I have many all day.
48
@CarolineOr when someone calls an older person "Young man".
2
@PLC
As if we are deceived and pleased. Oh, well, they will find out, won't they?!
Enjoy these compliments. They won’t last long.
69
Think about the kinds of comments asian men (I am not one) have put up with. At least the comments asian women get could be conflated with compliments--not so, for men. Infuriating, I imagine.
But I think it's pointless to try to teach manners to the general public. The best thing to do is simply get more diversity into every corner of society.
The problem with racism is more than the ignorance and fear that it exposes. The problem is when that ignorance and fear is combined with unaccountability. With greater diversity, there will be more accountability. You'll still get the comment, but you will have dozens of people around who, together, can shame or socially shun the person who makes the comment.
5
Because signing books for fans is one of the weirdest of all human interactions, I would give the "want-to-adopt-you" woman a pass. But in general (say this white male) you must certainly be correct. I still hear "China doll", though thankfully that phrase, at least, is mostly gone. Thanks for nice essay.
9
Ever since I came from my native France to this country, bringing along my strongly accented English, I have been randomly told how lovely the way I mispronounce the language is. Clearly a sign that my interlocutor (mostly women btw and, full disclosure, now that I am 74, much less frequently, you do the math) is not listening to what I am trying to say. Although I do not have to deal with the much worse problem that is racism, I find it annoying and somewhat demeaning.
14
Claude: I wish women thought I was attractive, intelligent, and amusing when they heard me speak. When I was younger, people wanted to put this 'Southern good old boy' in special education classes! I found that, to quote you, "annoying and somewhat demeaning!"
Ms. Kwon ( if that's a permissible expression) apparently needs to get a life when she's not writing. Such a burden to have to have to carry, being acknowledged as "cute" during her "work hours", a book signing. Oy vey, what's the next microaggression someone will dream up? Ms. Kwon should consider herself fortunate she is being called "cute" during her stressful work of signing books. Perhaps she could spend a few lines in expressing how thankful she is that her efforts have actually resulted in her reaching the point where people are actually interested in her writing enough to go out and greet her. In other words, don't take yourself too seriously Ms. Kwon, the world isn't revolving around you.
148
@KB, Asian women from certain countries are often seen as having an infantalized look about them, so when people call her those things, it reinforces the idea that she looks like a child, and is probably thus treated like a child.
9
@KB
“Don’t take yourself too seriously, Ms Keon.”
This condescending remark by @KB fully illustrates Ms Kwon’s point, as does the rest of the response.
11
Don’t worry contrary to your feelings your no different than anyone else and actually maybe better off because of the traits you describe.
6
With regret, I disagree. When you choose to place yourself before a public audience, you willingly choose to make yourself vulnerable to both compliments and criticism. Any public exposure, not just when speaking from a podium, comes with the risk of hearing things like we are too fat, too skinny, too serious, too quiet, too sensitive, etc.
If you don't like what you hear, then stay away.
20
@Tom Q I disagree. Telling talented individuals to "stay away" because there are crude people in the public who have the free speech right to say whatever they think deprives those who want to learn from the individual the opportunity to do so. It is much better to educate the public of the effect their words have. Some of them may listen and learn.
1
@Tom Q
Exactly, if people don't want to be exposed to the public, stay away from the public. Anonymity is the new black, just look at all the people that are ditching Facebook.
@Tom Q
Does “too black” fit into your argument?
In reality,we are very primitive in our attitudes . My best friend when I was a tween was Chinese-American. At the time,he was rare to most people. There were a lot of stupid comments made. His Mom told him “sticks and stones “,etc. Respectfully,I didn’t agree with her . Now, I live in a highly Asian American community and I am hopeful ignorant comments are minimal or non-existent.
5
Just wait until you get older. and if heaven forbid, you let your hair go to its natural color, ie white or grey. I can not count the times someone, perhaps well meaning, has called me 'cute'. Or a clerk in a store has called me 'honey'. it's demeaning and disrespectful. And every time I'm tempted to give a short lesson in manners, I stop myself. But one of these days, one of these days!
12
@Lizzie On the other hand, isn't it easier to get permission to use the restroom? Best thing about being old.
@Lizzie
Wait until they start calling you "dear." You'll feel like you have one foot on the banana peel.
Dead wife with no family within 100s of miles. I need all the "honeys" and "dears" I can get.
What comes through loud and clear in the comments is a paternalistic/maternalistic belittling and dismissal of a significant problem.
Whether it's rooted in size or cultural heritage or any other factor, it's symptomatic of the larger problem that women are not taken seriously in not just their professional roles, but their very being.
I am so sorry you are forced to deal with this kind of nonsense.
33
@ms Yes, and the same belittling is found in many of these comments. The number of commenters with male names telling R.O. Kwon to get over it is infuriating.
3
White women with blonde curly hair get it too. Try being told, as an adult, that you look like little Shirley Temple (and no, we cannot easily straighten our hair. It takes hours).
11
There should be an oscar for asians. Now that I say it, it does sound weird. I just want to publicaly appreciate some of these actors i've watched my whole life.
How many times have I been called endearments not appropriate for my age by non-Asian strangers who obviously are younger than me?
Now it stings a little less because it makes it a little easier for me to lie to myself about my age.
1
What I find equally disturbing is the way that Asian boys and men are stereotyped. Too often, the Asian teenage boy is portrayed as awkward, socially inept, and lacking in personality. How many shows or movies portray ending up dancing with or going to prom with The Asian Boy as the ultimate humiliation? Years ago, when spy shows like Mission Impossible were popular, most Asian men were portrayed in movies and TV shows as sinister, sneaky enemies.
I know this is a bit off-topic! But as the parent of Asian boys and girls, I've noticed the more subtle stereotyping of Asian males as much as the stereotyping of Asian females.
19
“Adorable” is in the mind of the beholder.
3
In my experience, Asians are far from the only women with these issues and I wish you had not framed the problem in these limited racial terms, which one could take as being racist itself. Can you not conceive that other races might be potentially ill-spoken of as adorable and beautiful too?
25
Jeez Louise that's all you have to complain about?!
Count your blessings then and think of the billions of people less fortunate.
70
There may be a racist component to these inappropriate actions, but they are fundamentally an expression of sexism. No one calls Asian men "cute" and "adorable." Both men and women see women as sexual objects first, human beings second. Whatever you may feel viscerally, you have a basic responsibility to keep it to yourself in professional settings and encounters with strangers.
4
Ok, I read this essay but can’t for the life of me understand why it was published. It’s a rather bizarre rant that seems to have some dark implications. We must now never comment on the appearance of people we don’t know personally. I suggest that the next time someone does that to the author that she should stand up and scream, “I am not your eye candy!”
Then throw something at them. Perhaps this person should dress in a hoodie sweatshirt, use no make up, and not take baths for a week or two before their next public appearance. That’ll teach those creepy people not to stare.
20
@Neildsmith You have some wise advice in there. Specifically "Never comment on the appearance of people we don't know personally." That was easy!
1
If I could offer Ms Kwon a bit of advice that might mitigate the trauma she describes in this piece, it would be this: stop showering and washing her hair, wear poorly fitting clothes that are filthy and in disrepair, ease up on the eyeliner, and take care to install bits of spinach visibly between her teeth. This should allow her to move through the world unmolested, and get on with the very important work of being a writer.
38
Yo,Ms Kwon lighten up ! Writers are notoriously prickly about little things. When other women try to say something nice to you about your appearance just smile and be gracious.Yea,Yea, your the struggling author trying to be recognized for your literary talent.
Kindly show some compassion for your other South Asian female brethren who daily struggle doing menial work. Rarely does any American compliment them on there skin tone. More often they might hear their interactions that begin with the phrase “Happy Ending “
8
"You are so cute, adorable, I wish I could adopt you" LOL
Boy something is wrong with you if you are cute and adorable but don't like people telling you that and giving you compliments.
I feel so bad for you.., they tell you, you have a beautiful skin? that you are cute? your hair is nice? what terrible things to say to someone! hahaha.
30
"This is on a spectrum with Asian-Americans being termed the “model minority,” a toxic label intended to separate us from other people of color, meant to press us into the service of white supremacy. It’s not just the obvious villains, the neo-Nazis, who espouse and support racism. Sometimes it’s also those of us who believe ourselves to be firmly on the side of inclusion."
How you get from being called "cute" to white supremacy in the space of one article is utterly beyond me.
47
The author seems to think that fans who are lining up for her autograph are at work, making it a professional situation for them. Umm, no.
In the 1993 movie "The Firm", one of the characters compliments Holly Hunter's character by saying "I love your crooked little mouth." Her response? "Well, it's not my best feature."
Perhaps a variation of this would be effective if one wishes to steer the conversation back towards one's achievements.
4
Spring is here but the snowflakes won’t go away. Just know that us white folks are insensitive and love to stir up trouble by dishing out compliments or trying to relate to your most obvious trait when we are not engaged in genocide or klan rallies. While serving in Hawaii I had to resort to the wisdoms in fortune cookies to compliment the overwhelming number of Asians I met on a daily basis. Lighten up, likely they DO adore you despite your stereotypical Asian intelligence, hard work, and commitment to better society.
23
First world problems. Many people are called much more hateful things than "adorable." And it's silly to assume that you're being called that because of your ethnicity.
32
This doesn't just affect Asian women but all women. I am Anglo and looked younger than my age for a long while. Remembering a job interview when I was 24, incidentally a job teaching special ed in a rural school. During the interview a man walked by, put his head in the door and said "Hire her, she's so cute!" Ugh. Would a woman do that if a man had been being interviewed?
10
@mj A woman did that to me when I was 19. Definitely not cool, but just so you know it does happen.
2
@mj i thought this was my biography. the exact same happened to me, but it was the CEO shouting it from outside the interview room. "cute" and i'm white & petite
1
Ugh - please - I’m a white male who is very tall. Many people who first meet me feel compelled to comment about my appearance. Many ask if I play basketball. Does this mean those people are racist?
People naturally comment to others about unusual or identifying characteristics. Please stop criticizing others at every turn. Please stop making divisive comments, and casting villains. Just smile, deal with it, and don’t feel sorry for yourself. Your not as put upon as you think.
58
If these are your biggest problems, I’d say you are doing OK. I’m sorry but “it’s so upsetting to be called cute and adorable and praised for my looks and being a model mi Oriya” just doesn’t hold up against “it’s so hard to be compared to monkeys, apes, dehumanized, shot by police, called ugly, and substandard and judged for how closely or not closely I reseme a white person while belonging to the minority group vilified by not only whites but all other ethnic groups—including Asians.” I think what younare trying to aaybis that these compliments call attention to your difference, and you’d rather they didn’t. OK. It’s not going to kill you—like, literally, as other aspects of racism undoubtedly kill people of other groups. Perhaps your time would be better spent promoting understanding among your own people of the struggles other minority groups, whose biggest problems are not getting compliments and getting more seats at Harvard.
19
A book festival is not a professional setting (see word "festival"). Gobsmacked fans are excited and sometimed act harmlessly stupid. Get over yourself and be grateful she bought your book. On the professional side, 100% agreement: work, talk on task, leave, repeat. No socializing with work peers.
17
So many authors never reach a level of success to have book signings. Why not relax and enjoy the fact that people who pay you money for your book think you’re cute? Life is short, success fleeting, age will quickly eliminate your “cuteness.” Before you know it all this will be behind you.
20
I agree with some of your commentary. However, I completely disagree with your endorsement of Crazy Rich Asians. I thought it was a vapid movie that depicted East Asians in a very one-dimensional way. Also, there’s lots of racism (and classism) within Asian communities, especially when it comes to skin color and hair texture. It’s not just whites who objectify and diminish us. We do it to each other. Lighten up a little, as so many Asians and other people of color have it much worse than you. Don’t forget what’s happening to Uighur communities in China and the Rohingya populations in Burma/Myanmar.
34
All those things (“Cute.” “Adorable.” “I wish I could adopt you.” “Pixie.”) sound so infantilizing to say to an adult woman who is in a space operating in a professional capacity.
The people saying those things seem to be unconsciously treating fully grown and mature Asian women as children instead of as equals and adults. Yikes.
11
I agree....just don't comment on a persons appearance. I have had male clients tell me "you are looking good, have you lost weight"?!! and "black suits you". I want to say " just shut up and don't look at me". I hate it when men comment on my appearance, I find it creepy though I can allow "love those shoes, they are cool".
6
@laughoutloud—I can’t stand people who look at my feet! I have a face! No, don’t look there either!
People even tell me, a 69 year old overweight white man, that I look nice today, or whatever. If that was my biggest concern I would feel fortunate indeed.
8
It is good to see that all it took to resolve those hurtful micro-aggressions by white people was a TV series featuring Asians.
6
I am not Asian and people call me adorable.
I am good with it.
23
"..however well intentioned, it’s racism."
harrison bergeron agrees
1
OK You're not adorable.
44
From the Dept. of the Truth from the Rooftop: “Because that’s what it is — however well intentioned, it’s racism.: “ POWERFUL PIECE!
5
So, when a person of European descent gives an asian a compliment they're racist? If that's true, then singling out non-asians in this context is racist too.
9
I bet people call you "feisty' too--an adjective, in my opinion, reserved for those who because of age (very young or very old), sex (female), small size, disability, are assumed NOT to be assertive....
4
Asian women should learn to accept some of these comments as genuine praise. Western women in Asian countries face worse, often mistaken for flirty, Hollywood seductresses etc.
Most western women will confide their unease walking in China, Japan S Korea, where men would try and grope, pinch etc.
Asian women in these countries have also endured being comfort women, maids, delegated to subservient roles.
Here, people actually envy the skin tones and or shining hair women from Asia have and compliment them..this is not harassment or me2 type..be polite, say thanks..
8
@Gyns DI can't count the number of people in India who wanted to get their pictures taken with my blonde daughter.
Am I somehow being a self-hater by wishing for those long past days when people complimented my looks?
8
Please let’s get over this total foolishness! My daughter is 5 feet 4 inches and is 30 and called adorable. We are so ready to be insulted. STOP!!!
24
I work with an Asian man who is of short stature. My co-workers frequently comment on how cute or adorable he is. I tell them to stop using such descriptions; he is a grown man and their comments are a way infantilizing him. No one makes those comments about the men of average height. People need to be called out, they don't realize the power of their chosen words.
13
@mary
Really Mary, in what fantasy world are these - man, woman - the same?
May god save us from white, male privilege. Especially us white males. You see, many of us have never been aware or were ever even made aware of our privileged lives. I’m afraid I’ll go to my grave never having appreciated or fully taken advantage of that. Still, yes I am guilty of having been born both white and male. What were my parents thinking?
16
Ms. Kwon is right in her being upset for perceived racist remarks. We change societal norms 1 I feel statement and article at a time. Hopefully she’s now ready to do that. She probably feels demeaned when called adorable. If she lived in Asia would this happen? When a white woman with blond hair and blue eyes goes to Egypt she gets touched, sometimes in areas that are truly disrespectful and hypocritical since that never happens to local women.
The animal kingdom must think we are truly judgmental, but the strongest lion and the most spectacular peacock get to mate and the weak or ugly typically do not. I feel lucky to be an attractive white male. I actually have been told by a flight attendant I’m too attractive to be angry or I’m easy on the eyes so stop complaining. Made me chill out both times. If it happened too often I’d feel resentful. Ms Kondo is cute to me but I’d never tell her that in front of others. Btw, cute sells $. Minions are cute to me, that’s my societal norm. Hard to stop people looking at others, pets, objects without judgement. I wish Ms Kwon success and curious if she calls out others when called adorable. I think this is called assertiveness, but she’ll be judged for that too!
1
As the spouse of an adorable Asian American woman (going on 33 years), I can vicariously sympathize with you. She got that sort of thing a lot when she was younger (though I think that she was relieved that she was called cute rather than asked if she spoke English). However, and here's the bad news, the more loudly and persistently that you insist that folks quit referring to you in that manner, the more difficult it will be for them to do so. It is a robust finding that suppressed thoughts ironically become more accessible (e.g., Wegner and his buddies).
So, you're probably gonna have to suffer through this until some Asian woman does something heinous and folks begin to automatically assume that you're a terrorist.
6
Aren't we sensitive? Seems like there are more important things to get worked up on and space in the Times could be put to better use. Just my opinion.
12
@Frank Ferendo No, I think it is an interesting article and apparently a lot of people have read it. We could instead think about how much space is devoted to sports and how that space could be put to better use.
1
@NYT,
How dare are you to publish this offensive article?
I’m scared. Are we developing a fragile society?
This is simply out of control how far these women taking the #metoo movement. We need to draw the line somewhere.
We soon all are going to be like the three monkeys image.
@Ms. Kwon,
As a professional, if you cannot navigate these comments graciously and assertively, and you needed to write an article about it, what kind of credibility do you have?
If you are exposing yourself to the public,
should not you be more assertive and gracious to deal with all different type of people and their comments?
Is this article used to promote your book?
I have no interest in reading your book.
As a woman, I find these type of articles offensive.
Instead of empowering women to be resilient, we further developing a fragile culture. Unacceptable!
When we begin to project our insecurities and sensitivities onto others, it’s time to look within.
Did you really need to write this article?
Talk to a friend or get a therapy session, it will be super helpful.
It’s time we introduce communication classes in K-12
how to Speak up assertively and act responsibly.
This is simply ridiculos!
30
All points well taken and good to hear that progressives bear most of the blame. Perhaps one that lives by identity politics dies by identity politics. The author should perhaps be more concerned about the college cheating scandal - I can almost guarantee that the students not accepted because of the cheating (and likwise due to "diversity" policies) are predominately Americans with Asian backgrounds. This is something to be truly angry about.
9
Your internet presence reveals you to be gifted with unusual physical beauty. With that comes responsibility because you are three standard deviations from the norm. Logic dictates, that people are therefore, going to say awkward, uncomfortable things from time to time. To generalize from that and call it racism is wrong and a disservice to those who have truly suffered at the hands of racism. It would appear the world is working well for you, clueless comments, now and again, notwithstanding. Be humble and grateful.
12
When this rises to an op-ed piece about racism and privilege, we really have jumped the shark.
26
Pretty people problems.
22
I have to keep reminding the housekeepers at work that all Asians are not Chinese -- be they Asian Americans or foreigners. Once we had for several months Japanese tech workers building machinery for a chip plant and the housekeepers kept calling them Chinese. My dad is worse -- Asians are "Orientals" but then Germany to him is still "West Germany".
If you want to compliment a women I would suggest saying nice about her fashion or hairstyle. The best thing is likely however to avoid the subject -- especially if your a white male like me!
3
You poor, poor, adorable baby.
16
Ignor the ignorants,be happy with who you are and your looks and personality. Outwardly cosmetologged body can make a craw even look like a beautiful bird,but it can’t change its vocal cords and tunes. Think this world as a precious beautiful globe with many decent people and that’s What counts the most important thing in lifetime. Phytoist from USA.
1
With all due respect, you have no clue what "white" men experience at work or elsewhere. I find your observations and comments offensive.
29
@Marshall J. Gruskin
Actually, since all of us have grown up in a World almost completely defined and delineated by White Males, we kinda do know what your experiences are like. They have been the baseline "Human" experience since stores have been told, ads have been written, and valuation placed on aptitudes. Learn to listen and appreciate the great run ya'll have had. Yes, it must be hard to be a White Man who has not yet grocked his inherent privilege...I can see how you might perceive that everyone else is up in arms over nothing.
1
All the offenses going on in the world and this is what gets your dander up ? Get a grip. Someone called me adorable? Call the thought police ! We are officially the United States of Umbrage.
21
It must be an absolute living hell being born attractive.
I am sure there are large numbers of homely or unattractive people who are deeply sympathetic to your plight.
Your book the "Incendiaries" received rave reviews and is an international best seller. You are invited to literary events and panel discussions where people hang on your every word. Now your platform to express your ideas and opinions is immense. You are an overnight sensation and your ability to reach new audiences with future books seems boundless..
Some people can be awkward and nervous in their limited conversations with talented people. So it seems a very minor annoyance you choose to talk about.
Count your blessings.
30
Oh, good GOD; get over yourselves.
What, just a few men talk like this. I have met none in my life and I know a lot of men.
YOU are the one who is categorizing men.
Get over yourselves: you're not as adorable as you think you are.
Feminism today: me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
21
Okay. What's new? The NYT won't let me tell you, "get a life."
Why did I say that? Because I'm a 60's something caucasian man who's been told all my life, by women, that I have especially nice skin, etc. A stroke of DNA ism usual thought.
Why should I complain? The compliments diminished me in no way.
Do we really need to look for new forms of victimization?
NYT does try one's patience. But of course, it depends who is talking. Men, especially old men, be damned.
8
Maybe.....stop being to sensitive, take the compliment and move on with your life.
You really have time to sit down and write an article on a small, perceived slight?
Grow up.
11
You're way too sensitive. The 'little lambs' thing aside, did it ever occur to you that people were telling you these things not especially because of how you look but because of who you are? And are we not allowed to compliment each other anymore? Get over yourself.
7
Kawaii.
If ya wanna stop being seen as cute.....one suggestion might be to stop this Kawaii Culture thing that is so prevalent , not in the USA.....but in ASIA.
If asians women are seen as cute and adorable.....its because ASIA made them so.............
In America.....women are indeed treated with the most equality.....any claim otherwise will be met with the FACTS.
Ms Kwon would be more effective if she directed her opinions at Asia.
So-called Asians, both men and women, seem to very rapidly integrate into American society and morph into ...well....simply.....americans.
To cling to a so-called "asian" identity while living in america is continue to be seen as foreign......and thus the asian women are indeed ..... adorable.
3
@Wherever Hugo
"Kawaii."
Brought a smile. Apt usage, tomodachi!
Yes, the audience and others are objectifying the author when she is presenting and working and it's uncomfortable and frustrating. It doesn't matter how or the manner, the author feels like the person saying these things diminishes her work and herself. Audiences should keep their comments to themselves when it comes to appearances and never reveal them to the person.
4
@North Carolina — but will you allow the audience to THINK these things, as long as they dutifully repress them? Or is that forbidden too? “Oh gosh, I think she’s cute—but I hate myself for thinking so!”
1
I just had some new furniture delivered, and one of the young delivery men looked at me and told me I looked like "M" in the James Bond movies. At first I was perplexed, but then remembered that Judi Dench played that role. She's 85, and he thought I was a dead ringer! And, she's 20 years older than I am! But, I do have short, white hair and am a little on the chubby side. I was amused more than offended, and I would tell Ms. Kwon to take these comments with a grain of salt. People aren't trying to offend, so there's no need to take offense.
16
@Ms. Pea
Judi Dench looks intelligent and in command.
2
Me thinks you Doth protest too much. If George Clooney had written a piece like yours people would consider it satire or if he could convince any one he was dead serious, whining.... ("I want to be taken seriously as an award winning actor and a director but women just keep objectifying me" ) Poor baby. People are always going to get a reaction on their appearance if it is striking enough and if you are not that striking than others may feel that they are being kind by commenting. My advice would be to smile and say "Thank you" and then sign your book since you are at a literary "festival' where the goal is to meet and greet and connect with your fans. Not to criticize them for adoring you.
394
@SSafran --- well, considering that George Clooney (like most actors) makes his living based in large part on his looks, yes, that would be a bit silly.
22
@SSafran
In George Clooney’s days on TV on ER, a patient commented to a nurse, “He’s very handsome.” The nurse replied, “He knows.”
15
They are not adoring her for her work if they are objectifying her looks- it is insulting and demeaning .
55
Asian-Americans are -- in actual brute fact -- a "model minority." They do very well in school (as illustrated by the recent fuss over selective high schools in New York City), they make more money than whites, and they have lower crime rates. This brute fact is acutely embarrassing to the Identity Politics Left, because it contradicts their narrative of a racist white America holding down "people of color" (i.e., Blacks, Hispanics, and Asians -- groups that don't actually have much in common, other than not being white).
So left-wing Asian activists never miss an opportunity to demonstrate that they too are oppressed, even if that oppression consists of something as petty as being called "cute." Because with identity politics it's important to always make sure it's clear who the good guys are and who the bad guys are!
91
@JohnB: This is the best comment on
a NYT piece that I've read in a long time. Bravo!
11
@JohnB For the record, what you term as Identity Politics Left is not something all on the left agree with. There are still plenty of us who haven't forgotten that class, not ethnicity, is the defining feature of our economic interactions. We're as repulsed as the rest of you, and have been trying to warn others on the left that we're just providing ammunition to the Identity Politics Right (fascists).
Important to remember that it isn't so simple as left vs right.
16
@JohnB --- you seem to think that "racism" must always have to do with oppression. Is that true?
I’m a white male writer and I often do get comments on my appearance at public events. People tell me, in public “You don’t look like a scientist!”. I recognize that it’s not at all the same as Ms. Kwon’s experience because I am not, in this country, part of a minority. But when she said “imagine...” as if this was an impossible occurrence, it made me want to chime in with this aspect of my lived experience, and made me slightly skeptical of her perceptions of the experiences of others.
11
The fact of the matter is that the author here has no idea whether the comments about her size have anything to do with the fact that she is Asian, as opposed to her rather petite size. And by googling her name one can indeed see that she is petite. So for all she knows white women her size get the same type of remarks while Asian women who have larger bodies, either taller or more heavyset do not.
She then goes on to assert that people of other one race not being as good as identifying those of another race is racism, as in people are being willfully demeaning. However just this past week the highest court in NYS ruled that a judge must instruct a jury that witness identification of people of another race is so prone to error that it is often not reliable. So just as those of other races are prone to mistakes in identifying Asians, Asians are just as likely to mistake those of other races.
Lastly it is not racist to dress up like a member of a different race, including painting ones skin to match that of that other race. Blackface is racist because it had been used for over 100 years not merely to dress up as black, but to dress up as a black and act in a manner that implied blacks were a degraded people.
134
@Michael Stavsen the fact of the matter is that you weren’t there and don’t know enough about the situation to mansplain this.
Nor can you claim any evidence of the propensity for people of Asian descent or anyone else to not distinguish people of other races from—and the tired tropes of sameness and lack of individuality in Asia popularized in the West speak to that. Judges tell people to do many things in pursuing justice but that is because of people’s problems with race, would he have said you can’t identify race only when the suspect has Asian ancestors? No. The fact that people treat it as a common joke when Asian-Americans are mistaken for each other speaks enough on the racism of this issue.
Occupying roles in a film for an Asian character with a Caucasian actor, then claiming people with Asian backgrounds as a group couldn’t fill those roles, is racially insensitive. If someone cast Martin Luther King with a Caucasian person, or Queen Elizabeth with a person with stereotypically Asian features, and then claimed there were no other options, how would that even make sense?
17
@Michael Stavsen
Not to agree or disagree, but to sympathize with those who have the problem, I once mentally beat myself over the head because I couldn't see the difference between my niece's two Mexican-American friends. It was only later that I learned they were identical twins.
2
Is Ms. Kwon petite? If so, that plays a STRONG ROLE as well. I know petite, blonde, white women (basically anyone who is not only short, but size 4 or smaller) who are ALSO CALLED "cute and adorable," well into their 30s - sometimes even 40s. They hate it just as much as Ms. Kwon. Trust me on this one. All of us petites do.
31
I am a small-framed, slim, college faculty member in my 70s. I continue to dress as my ivy league mentors did: tortoise shell glasses, button down oxford cloth shirts with knitted narrow ties, pressed khaki or corduroy pants depending on the season, and well-shined leather shoes.
For time to time, student evaluations and in-person student comments relate to my appearance, always positively. My favorite, from a recent student evaluation, was "he is the cutest old man".
Should I feel objectified and be insulted?
35
I'm while, male, and a member, more or less, of Ms. Kwon's profession. I'm also unusually tall, and quite broad. People remark upon my appearance constantly, in both professional and non-professional contexts. They call me "big guy", ask if I played sports (I didn't, and even I did, it has nothing to do with my work), say I look like a famous figure (usually not one I particularly want to look like), and so on. It bothers me, but just a little -- it's certainly not something I would feel I needed to decry in an Op Ed in the Times. People talk about each other's looks all the time, and while it's a bit rude, it's not the end of the world -- it's worth a smile or a frown, depending on what kind of mood you're in -- and then you move on.
172
@Jack Daw, I defend the zero-tolerance policy that is well established in some professional cultures. Bringing in one's "impressions" of someone's physical attributes into the mix when discussing the work, their intellectual work or artistry (with some exceptions which are not subtle, such as performing artists whose subject art is seduction by design), is inappropriate. The failure of collaborators to recognize when they are reacting, chemically, to charm and not proceeding with regards to content, isn't tolerated in professional environments like the offices of engineers and others. It contributes nothing to anyone and it has well known dysfunctions.
4
Most of us are not adorable.
And have never been called it.
Take it as it is meant to be.
A compliment.
And, as an added perk to your life.
And, as something that may not be the cause of your success, but definitely doesn’t hurt either.
145
@Jane
As an apparently invisible, older, white male, I can understand your point. However "Enjoy it while it lasts" is probably neither useful, nor accurate advice.
Note every complimentary comment about appearance is appreciated by the recipient. In my experience, out of place, off-topic comments about appearance are seldom appreciated either by the recipient (and that was the author's point). Hearing many of such comments in the workplace, I can say they are also not appreciated by bystanders who are forced to overhear the comment. Finally, it does not reflect particularly well on the person who makes such comments.
This does not require much analysis. If such comments are seldom appreciated by any of the people who hear them -- why make them?
6
As a teen I was taught never to compliment a person on something that they did not personally control. It was okay to say "That is a beautiful jacket", but not "Your eyes are dazzling." The former shows admiration for the person's sense of style, the latter his/her inborn beauty. One is flattering, the other borders between smarmy and creepy to a new acquaintance. Of course, after a few dates, all bets are off.
32
I think that cultivating a personal rule that one doesn't comment on another's appearance (for good or naught) is a good one. While I understand the comments of others who think that being complimented on one's looks 'seems' to be a petty problem, it is not petty in a world where women are trying to be recognized for their work and contributions and not their looks. And I have experienced the hardship of having to care for dying parents, and I still hold this opinion.
8
I am a white woman and can not relate to the author's experience as an Asian woman. However, I am small, and from what I've been told my entire life,"cute," and I can attest that in many contexts I don't feel as thoughI have been taken seriously because of it. In my younger years there were times when people would actually say they wanted to pick me up because I was so cute - and then literally pick me up! Other times people would pat me on the head, like a puppy. Ugh. When you work hard on something, you want others' focus to be the result of that hard work, i.e., to be taken seriously. And no one, no one, wants to be lifted from the ground (or touched without consent in any way) to satisfy another person's bizarre urges.
40
As an Asian-American I am all too familiar with this narrative. The trouble is that such stories end up becoming monologues in a vast vacuum of white privilege. Always sounding as if it is a first or a new story. Sadly, it is a time-worn strategy. It is time for a multi-logue that interweaves long standing and similar narratives from other marginalised groups in the US. But in the market place of singular stories, alliances with other groups seem to dull the uniqueness of the particular narrative and the narrator stands alone pleading with whites to hear them and render help once again. James Baldwin tell us that Americans have hit the jackpot and don't even know it. To be Black in America. Asian-Americans would do well to know this American story. The time has come in the US to link the narratives.
6
I am sorry. We are objects in addition to being subjects, or agents. Everyone is responded to with reference to their appearance, to their object nature. And everyone responds to others with respect to their object natures, not just older white women or white men. We are not just spirits or personalities. We have bodies and faces and voices. Our physical nature and appearance are part of who we are. Don’t elide it or reduce it. I am not a sylph; don’t treat me like one.
14
I understand the point of the article but with age I have come to realize that a compliment about one's look CAN be non-judgemental. People who find you "adorable" can still admire and respect you just the same.
In my twenties I was so offended by the comments about my hair that I had it cut off and dyed a different color. I also wore glasses when I didn't need them. I think comments about one's look when one is a young woman in a professional setting is diminishing and undermines the confidence we were trying to build.
When we have reached a certain professional status people might find it ok to comment on our looks because surely nobody doubts our professional competence by that point! When people express surprise and offer compliments about my looks now when I speak publicly I don't mind it so much anymore. I thank them and continue talking about the issue at hand.
I hope the author can really on her confidence and not feel "hurt" by such compliments going forward.
30
@Madre,
So you cut off your hair because it was too attractive? And put on glasses to look more homely? Maybe you should have tried getting plastic surgery as well, to add some wrinkles and a turkey neck. If that doesn't do it, stop bathing. That will keep most of your admirers at bay.
6
You need bigger problems to worry about. Spend a decade as I have managing aging & dying parents and a spouses ongoing three-year cancer fight. Then, being complimented won’t seem like any problem or worry at all - because it’s not.
240
@Once From Rome
Are we to believe that Ms. Kwon cannot face these, or similar difficulties, in the future?
The experience of racism does not shield one from life's sorrows, but often compounds them far more than anyone who is not a regular target of racist talk/behavior could ever know.
11
It’s not racism. It’s a compliment. Political correctness run amok.
8
@Once From Rome
She's complaining about not being seen as a person, but as a thing. Just because you aren't sufficiently sensitive (despite your personal tragedies) to understand does not mean you can dismiss her observations as political correctness.
13
At less than five feet, with a fine bone structure, I have gotten these comments my whole life - and more. We are perceived as children.
I, too, dislike it but as a white woman, I believe it has nothing to do with anything but height and, perhaps, bone structure.
63
@Currents, I, too, am a short white woman. I, too, have heard myself described as cute or adorable in and out of professional settings all my life. I thought it would diminish with age, but I am now in my late sixties, and it's still happening.
88
@Currents: It happens to me, too.
However, I'm a 5'10" 165# 75-year-old white male.
And I don't mind being called adorable.
2
@Allen It's good that being called adorable doesn't bother you, but that doesn't excuse anyone who refers to those of advanced years that way. (The usual word is "cute," but anything along those lines is demeaning. Not using it is highlighted in any good style book.)
2
I cringe when I hear "thin" as a compliment.
6
I understand your point; however, I wish my worst problem was continually being told I'm attractive.
296
@CliffS
CliffS, you're beautiful. But you're also free to hate me for saying so.
4
@CliffS
I understand the author's point, but there are many black women whose sympathy will be limited. They often are told by the culture how supposedly masculine and unappealing they are.
4
In my world, nobody should say to any person they are meeting for the first time anything at all about their appearance. I open with that to move on to these lines, of far greater interest to me.
I point to two paragraphs by quoting the opening lines:
1) What Ms. Wu described is a racism of flattening and erasure...
2) This is on a spectrum with Asian-Americans being termed the “model minority,” a toxic label...
My hope for my America: The US Census Bureau will enact former director Kenneth Prewitt's proposal to end the use of race and ethnicity terminology to classify us. That system is the fatal invention of racists, as Professor Dorothy Roberts has pointed out.
Ms. Kwon is American, meaning that she is a citizen, and so too am I American, as citizen.
She and I and all 326 million of us have genomes 99% alike, but each of us is an individual absolutely distinct from every other one of those 326.
We can inform others of our lines of descent to whatever extent we wish. But in my Brave New America, even Harvard University Admissions will end its racist practices.
Not in my lifetime, I know. In the 21st Century? Maybe a meaningless question, given the rise of China and the rise of sea level.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Also a citizen of SE
9
@Larry Lundgren oh wait.. no affirmative action anymore? no “black lives matter” rallies, too?
got it, the author is uncomfortable with compliments in a work setting (from both men and women)
10
The author seems to be conflating two things here. One is racist and sexist comments in the workplace, which are hugely problematic. The second is a combination of general face blindness and difficulty recognizing faces of people from ethnic groups one doesn't have much contact with.
For those of us with face-blindness, we confuse people of our own race too. Heck, I have had times I've failed to recognize my own boyfriend or cousin (both of the same race as me). Conversely, I have also mistaken a complete stranger for my boyfriend.
Even for someone who is not face-blind, telling apart faces of people they are not familiar with (like, people of a racial group they haven't had much contact with) can be understandably more challenging. And since it's likely an honest mistake -- rather than someone doing that as an insult -- it's really outside of their control.
I would've loved to see this article focus on the things people *can* control -- no one needs to make racist or sexist comments about someone's appearance, especially not at work. But confusing faces isn't really something most people can control.
39
@Rose
I do get it.
As a rare techie female on a film crew in the 80s, I was sometimes mistaken for an actress or some other more female role. (And yes, there was a lot of sexism, hostility, and even sabotage in that setting.)
I remember a director who refused to use my name and just called me "the girl" for two days. A grip who stood close behind me staring as I tweaked the insides of a piece of electronic equipment and, when he saw I'd fixed it, laughed and said, "Where'd you learn to do that?" as if I were a trained monkey and not just doing the same thing guys did every day.
But I think it's excessive to call it a microagression. Yes, it's patronizing, and others should accept us, but we also can't give in to our own weaknesses. The director had problems but I wasn't going to make them mine if I didn't have to; and the grip meant well. It was up to me to hold the line and make myself "normal" in that setting.
One thing I learned during my ten years as a techie when there were few other women in that position: There's the way things are and the way things should be, and if you lose sight of either one, you're in trouble.
In this context, that means when people miss the mark but have good intentions, give them credit for trying; and even when the intentions are not so good, you let the problem remain theirs and don't let it crash your day.
I'm a progressive Christian, but I've found Buddhism has some good things to say about people "making" you feel something.
7
As the white mother of an adopted Asian daughter, I just let out a big "YUCK!" at both parts of "You're adorable. I wish I could adopt you." I am very apprehensive of how my pretty, petite 10-year-old daughter, who also happens to be very loud and outspoken, will be treated as she grows older. She has hated the word "cute" as applied to her, as long as I can remember. And "I wish I could adopt you" carries the clear implication that it's most desirable to adopt cute, adorable people, and not other kinds of people. I didn't adopt my daughter to have a sweet adorable pet; she is a human being with as much complexity as anyone.
38
@MS
My pretty, petite, adopted Asian daughter is also loud and outspoken. She is known at school for a biting sense of humor.
However, she refers to herself as "adorable" when she feels like it.
To each their own, I guess, but we can be glad our girls know how to talk back.
2
I have stayed mostly within my 'community' or 'caste' in my social interactions, and yet I have faced almost all the 'situations' that the columnist describes. Are they 'racist' behaviour with me ? Within my own caste ?
Far too many times, nothing significant is being made into something adverse or negative.
Such 'differences' are inherent in any 'grouping' and are means of 'identification' and even 'comment'.
When participating in what is called 'arranged marriage' system here, I have been subjected to far worse comments and commentary, and even shown my 'position' on the basis of such criteria by near and dear ones, and others.
Not 'racist'.
Regular human behaviour. We can't expect all of society to use only parameters of 'education' and 'intellectual ideas' as identification of and for interaction with others.
All grannies comment on skin colour of their progeny, don't they ?
6
We are thinking, and laboring on, way too much about this stuff.
79
Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man" perhaps best captures how racially or ethnically inflected language, in this case markers of Asian femininity such as 'adorable' and 'cute', makes recipients feel invisible by its homogenizing effect. These expressions are classic examples of microaggressions, words or actions used, often unconsciously, to convey superiority or exclusion. Though the may seem trivial, the fact that minority members must confront them repeatedly, sometimes on a weekly or even daily basis, gives them an insidious power often unrecognizable to members of dominant groups, who typically have no lived experiences that could serve as a basis for empathetic understanding. Microaggressions have been cited as one likely cause for why highly educated African American women suffer prenatal complications at much higher rates than their white counterparts. Only someone who has been a minority alone in a sea of members from a dominant, racially distinct group can understand the tension and dreaded anticipation that arises in such a situation. The worst part is never knowing when or where such betrayal will come. A white person who seems 'progressive' and welcoming of diversity may, in the midst of an otherwise fulfilling exchange, suddenly let slip one of these markers of difference that lets you know without any ambiguity that you don't belong in their group. So you can never fully let your guard down. You protect yourself and extend trust only in the most miserly fashion.
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@Literary Critic
If only all of us could be like Odysseus. But unfortunately most of us are rotten with prejudices, which we reveal at every turn. Despite my best intentions, I still occasionally refer to the people of my rural community (all essentially the same ethnicity) as hicks-which is technically correct according to Websters. However, they are many other (good) qualities I admire and when I disparage them, I effectively whitewash these. I don't like myself for any of this but at least I catch myself doing it-and I now do less of it.
With regard to Ms. Kwon, nothing she describes merits any "aggressive" label, micro or not. Nor do any of her encounters seem to be of the variety that purport to "let her know she's not of their group." Verily, you protest too much. And I strongly suspect that any other writer of similar size and features, Asian or otherwise, might draw similar reactions.
But do not assume an observation about a women's (Asian or otherwise) appearance is the ONLY thing a man (or woman) notices. If I'm going to meet an author, I'm there for his/ her writing; okay, so maybe a "cute" author photo caught my attention. In conclusion, I would say to Ms. Ko, forgive our glib assessments and understand that praise of physical attributes, while not desirable in the Me Too movement, may represent the most coherent, articulate compliment a white man (or woman) can muster-especially when we may not have read enough of your work to offer mature comment on it.
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@DC If you haven’t read the work, do you always issue a compliment? Why should we forgive what you call a glib compliment that we know is just a patronizing remark?
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@Urbanite
Can we remember for the moment that it was at a literary festival that these unwanted compliments were offered? Many interactions between strangers, etc. I think it's perfectly human to offer compliments-of all varieties-to people we have never met, yes, whether authors or oil change specialists. Even if, god forbid, it's just a congratulations, or an expression of appreciation. In fact we do it all the time.
If the recipient of such a compliment chooses to interpret such a compliment as patronizing, that is his/her prerogative. But because that it your interpretation, don't necessarily make it so. And what does indignation get us? Bubkes.
Look, if all of us went through life wondering, what will he/she think of me if I say "X", we'd simply run out of words and the world would become a very silent place. I think, I hope that all of us see that what are needed are MORE words-more precision in language AND attitude, certainly-but certainly NOT any stifling of speech.
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The 'compliments' are often a window into the thinking of the person making it. A number of times these comments cover up feelings of jealousy, superiority,incredulousness (that somebody different did so well) etc.
More often than not, the comments seem harmless but for the person receiving it, the sexism and/or racism behind it is painfully obvious.
I appreciate the author bringing up this issue because it is hard to talk about these things without being accused of being 'ungracious when receiving a compliment'.
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@Guest: so all compliments are suspect. Got it. If someone says you are smart, clever, talented....they are really just jealous of you or feel superior or can't believe you are not stupid.
Therefore, never say anything to anybody about ANYTHING.
I'm white, male, English.
In America, after being asked where I'm from, I'm told, constantly, that "I love English people"; that "I love the way your accent", that my hair (white) is "beautiful"
At first, I found these comments embarrassing and far too personal. Finally, I realized that strangers, who knew nothing about me, were simply picking on the most apparent in their attempt to be friendly. And that, culturally, I needed to adjust.
It's all too easy to make problems where there aren't any..
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@justamoment your take is important in this conversation, however it comes from a place that is white, male, and privileged. When people comment on your appearance as you said it doesn’t create problems for you. However for women and men of color, and of women it does create problems. When we are at work and what people comment on is our appearance it takes away from the value of our work. The commenters are saying their take on our appearance is more important than the work that brought them there. And when this happens over and over and over again it is exhausting, demeaning, and often demoralizing. We’re not looking for problems where there aren’t any; we’re addressing the problems we experience daily.
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@Jackie
Accepting everything you say as being true, I am still left with one question:
If we don't pick up other people's problems or opinions, to whom do they belong?
I spend an average of two months a year in SE Asia with people who are immensely cultured and, in the main, far more successful (and privileged) than I.
Often, my physical size and clumsiness as I attempt to "fit in"and "follow along" causes discreet eye-rolling and, occasionally, not so discreet laughter.
Very occasionally, I have been told, extremely politely, that my dress is inappropriate for the occasion at hand -- even though it would be entirely appropriate in the West.
I find none of this offensive or problematic -- even though my white, male "privilege" counts for naught.
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@Jackie
After calling out justamoment for his offense of being "white, male, and privileged," isn't it customary for you to provide us with your curriculum vitae of intersectionality, so that we may judge and give weight to your opinion appropriately, based on your lived experience?
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You were in the south, where the culture of bestowing and receiving compliments still considers 'adorable' high praise and in no way was meant to be dismissive of your work. And trust me, it beats the 'she has a great personality' by a country mile. And is right up there with 'cute shoes'. If you hear 'how nice' or 'bless your heart', then worry.
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@Allisons Twin
To heck with that. We were raised in NC and AL. My little sister was constantly getting creepy sexualized comments and flat-out racist comments disguised as "compliments". Southerners know how to slip those in better than anyone else in the country.
1
Just so you know, other women get that too. My daughter is 35, and she sometimes still gets it. She is white, but she really IS adorable. Not that I’m prejudiced about that or anything. She is a health care provider, and that is just how some women respond. (She says she never gets that from men.) Other women also tell her they like her hair, etc.,
My daughter does not wear makeup at all at work, and rarely does otherwise, but she does have a glow.
So, some women are just like that, and maybe the author is too. Not everything is about race and putting other people down.
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I actually don’t think the writer should be so hard on people who compliment her in a professional setting. Sometimes people just like the way you look, your vibe or essence and so they call you “adorable”. It doesn’t mean they don’t respect your accomplishments. If it’s a guy coming on to you in an inappropriate way, then that’s another story.
People are human and they may get distracted by something in our appearance or style that they like, even if it’s a professional setting. I think she’s upset because she thinks people take her less seriously but that may not be the case. They may just be trying to express their affinity about something they like about you. Take these compliments in stride!
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"Then she added: 'You’re adorable. I wish I could adopt you.'”
This woman wouldn't happen to have been, perchance, old enough to be your mother (or grandmother), would she?
Older women say these sorts of things to young people (of both sexes) all the time.
It's what is called a "compliment."
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@Eric
Did you make sure to read the whole Op-Ed, or did you simply read that sentence, stop, and write this comment?
I feel like you are missing the point that R. O. Kwon is making here. She wants to point out that her appearance, her ethnicity takes away from her professionality, which probably would not have had happened if she had been a Caucasian male. Do acknowledge that there is a clear difference between flattery and the unwillingness to recognize Asian-Americans as people who are much more than "cute" or "adorable." This whole article was written to bring about a change of thought to people who have similar opinions like you. Please re-read the article and try to understand the point she is delivering.
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@Christina; you should state 'she wants to point out "that she sees" compliments on her appearance....' as diminishing her professionalism.
her appearance or her ethnicity themselves aren't the issue here, but instead how others perceive and compliment them.
you in turn must acknowledge that a compliment on one's appearance itself sheds no light on the complimenters willingness or unwillingness to do anything more than say something positive out of admiration. ascribing intent otherwise says more about the person receiving the compliment than the one offering the praise.
you might also recognize that it is possible to recognize another's intrinsic worth while also appreciating appearance.
i think i understand her points, but see both empirical and logical problems with her reasoning. i won't insult you by suggesting you are unable to do the same.
9
Sure, and she should just be grateful for the constant attention from total strangers about her looks, right?
5
This is not just an issue affecting American Asians but all humans. I lived in South Korea teaching English for ~15 months 8 years ago. As a rare White man in the country, Koreans commented constantly, and I mean constantly, on my appearance. Some notable examples include DMV employees, doctors and nurses, multiple coworkers including the Principle, my students, and random people on the street, in supermarkets, on the train or just about anywhere imaginable. When you stand out as different in a culture you will be treated differently. It's not a failure of America but an intrinsic human trait. It was weird to be sure, but I would never have accused them of anything but the best intentions.
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@Zack MD "When you stand out as different in a culture you will be treated differently. It's not a failure of America but an intrinsic human trait. It was weird to be sure, but I would never have accused them of anything but the best intentions."
Clap, clap. What a steady mind and how very much 'social behaviour and manners' are reflected in your comments.
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@Zack MD
And why do you assume that Asians "stand out as different?" Come on man. This is America, and Asians should not be viewed as different from other Americans, especially at work. America don't come in only one flavor. Get with the program, please!
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@Zack MD
Touché , my lord !
Well demolished.
12
I'm also a petite Asian woman and have occasionally had strange comments about my appearance ("hot," "sexy") brought up in regard to my work (like reviews online or surveys, since I have a public-facing job). I tend to view it less as racist than as sexist -- a way of diminishing my professional status and calling attention to my sexuality. Either way, after the lessons of #metoo, hopefully everyone has learned it's best to keep things professional in professional settings and not make people, and women in particular, feel self-conscious or uncomfortable. While the commenter may think they are paying a compliment, it's actually a power play.
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@L
No, it's actually a compliment.
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@L
Wow!
Im amazed of how the mind capable to create so much complexity when there is much simplicity.
Now a compliment is a “power play” not being just kind and nice?
Are you kidding me?
Maybe we should start suing people for giving compliments?
Maybe next we should “expose” people who harmed others by giving compliments.
Really?
I beg you to stop this insanity.
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@Charlierf
When I’m reading a string of survey responses or online reviews and one after another critiques or compliments my work, I feel either bad or good based on those comments. The ones about personal appearance, even if they are positive, make me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. The best way to explain it is, let’s say you ask your boss for feedback, and his response is, you’re sexy. Isn’t that bewildering and not appropriate for the context?
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In 1986 I studied art for 3 months at an art school in Zhejiang province in China. My roommate and I, another American student studying abroad, had used the same framer to frame some of our efforts for an upcoming show at the Zhejiang Art Academy. One afternoon, as I was returning to campus, I met one of the framers in the road. "Your work is ready to pick up." he said. I went to the store the next day, but oddly, it wasn't my work that was ready, but my roommates. She had blond hair down to her waist, while I had a brown military length buzz cut. How had he confused the two of us, when we so obviously looked so different?
I can only reflect back now, having read more deeply in anthropological studies, and conclude that he failed to be able to differentiate us, because there were too many cultural clues that he was unfamiliar with. To him, having had very few meetings with "Western foreigners" we were similar, despite the very obvious differences in my own mind! This was not an insult to me, but it did force a kind of reset in my mind. Is it not easier to identify and categorize the familiar?
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@Yvonne Day
It's possible that your framer mixed up your names.
people make mistakes, especially when dealing with a nominally unfamiliar language.
4
@Yvonne Day
This is true. I lived in Japan for many years, and there's a similar confusion about whites there.
People often register the "big difference" and forget the details.
One family on my online adoption list adopted an Asian girl, and after a period of time, her brother commented that she looked "less Chinese" now. She didn't, of course; he'd just begun to see her face as a specific individual face and not as the difference between them anymore.
8
When I was a young editor, my male boss came by my office to tell me that a literary agent was asking about me and my list of books. His response, which he shared with great pride, “She’s adorable.” I nearly choked. Still kicking myself for replying with a forced smile and weak “Thank you.” I told a couple of female colleagues, “I’m OK being called ‘adorable’ after work, but between 9-5
I want my boss to think of me as smart, talented, and up-and-coming ( I was 28 at the time). I should add that I’m petite, and until I hit 45 I always looked about 10 years younger than my actual age. I’m guessing that Ms Kwon’s experiences with people calling her adorable have more to do with her size and youthful appearance. Still, in a professional setting no writer wants to field comments about her shiny hair or perfect complexion. The focus should be on her achievements which have nothing to do with how adorable she is or isn’t. Curious if male Asian writers have to deal with this nonsense, or is it a gender thing mixed with toxic fetishisizing of Asian women. Thank you, Ms. Kwon, for jumpstarting this necessary conversation.
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@RBZ I agree that women of all ethnicities are subjected to demeaning "compliments" when we are pretty and/or petite. I spent the first 10 years of my career carrying a gradebook and wearing pantsuits and I still got comments from the students and colleagues alike. "You're too cute to be a teacher." "I bet the boys all want to stay after with you." When I ditched the contacts for glasses to look more professional: "Oooh, going for the hot geek look?"
Just this week, a female coworker came into my classroom looking for me, scanned the room, and got a perplexed look until I addressed her. "Oh, I didn't see you," she said, "You look just like a student!" I'm over 40 and it was a 10th grade class.
So, yes, it's a gender thing mixed with toxic fetishizing of [fill in the blank] women. It's also the reality that smallish women look like children to many people who make impulsive comments.
9
I deeply respect your feelings and expressing your concerns. I also celebrate your great achievements and wish for professional respect. At the same time, I wish you could find some way to be more gracious and less judgmental about it, especially considering that a book signing is a form of celebrity in our culture. You yourself express awareness of the gift of being perceived attractive. While it is worthwhile to promote women being valued for more than their appearance, and not to be talked to as a child, humans will always respond to beauty and may be moved to say so. Perhaps you can ignore them with more grace, or write about them with greater compassion. These giving of compliments may seem rude, but they are not acts of evil. As for being mistaken for another, it may seem racist but I imagine it is not intentional. Just some thoughts. I wish you great success, regardless.
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Calling an adult woman adorable and constantly commenting on her appearance, even favorably, is an act of misogyny in the professional setting. By writing this Op-Ed R.W. Kwon is raising awareness about how it hurts her, and other women. We would all do well to question this celebrity culture- as if DJT hasn't already proven that already. Please re-read her article and really listen to her.
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@Sum -- "a book signing is a form of celebrity"
It seems likely that she took particular care for her appearance before being the planned center of all of that attention.
The other woman noticed her effort, and complimented her on it.
So it sounds like, "I made the effort, I hope people like it, but I don't want them to say so."
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@Sum
As a minority, this is a typical attitude I've encountered from some in regards to how minorities should respond to racism and bigotry. We are always "advised" to be civil, gracious, compassionate and be grateful for what is perceived by others as compliments. We are always overreacting. What most don't understand is that these "compliments" and comments are akin to treating the object of attention like animals. In other words...less than human. That is exactly what it feels like. You are made to feel as if you are something less than human. But we are not animals, we are human beings. Human beings should not be expected to be compassionate and kind to those who perceive them and treat them like animals.
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It’s more about gender than ethnicity. Most men, white or not, don’t field remarks about their appearance. On the other hand, many women, Asian or not, have been greeted with assessments of their looks and other commentary that sounds condescending, however it was intentioned. I have been on the receiving end of them, from both men and women, more times than I could count. But I don’t belabor it. Usually, I just smile and then turn the subject to something more professional.
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@NM Good for you. But I think it's even better that R.O. Kwan is raising people's awareness of it. Why should women have to constantly judged by their looks in a professional setting? Maybe if people understood the connotations, and worked to understand different perspectives, the world would be a better place to live!
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@NM
Your comment seems to be a perfect example of 'whitesplaining,' insisting to an Asian woman who describes experiences of how she and other Asian women are treated by white people that her experiences are no different from yours, that her Asian-ness is not an important or defining part of her experience. Your conclusion then maintains, unsurprisingly, that, though the things you experience are essentially the same, you manage to deal with them in a superior way. I suggest that, rather than erasing Kwon's ethnicity or insisting that the same thing happens to you, you consider the option of rereading her essay and acknowledging the centrality of race to her experience. In other words, there may be a categorical difference between her experiences as an Asian woman and yours.
15
@NM What on earth makes you assume that men are not judged by their looks in professional settings? The difference is that some people incorrectly believe it is appropriate to verbalize their judgments about the appearances of women.
9