Loved this article! As a start up founder and mom of three young kids, it totally resonated with me. I adore my children and I am also passionate about my work, and there's not a day that goes by that I wonder if I should just be a stay-at-home mom so I can focus more of my attention on them. But I agree with the sentiment that I am a better (and more enthusiastic!) mom, because I have a passion and purpose in life outside of motherhood. And my kids are super supportive of my work, too. They know I'm trying to do good things for the world and bearing witness to that is an really important lesson for them. We definitely can't have it all, there are trade offs, but we have to ignore the naysayers and keep on truckin'! Thanks for the great piece!
Thank you for the article! Something similar happened to me as well when my kids took a picture of me and I saw myself through their eyes. I believe that as long as women realize that having it all can have many different things we are good to go. I kept my job through the hardest years even though I felt like quitting but I intentionally kept my career profile as low as possible so that I am not stressed out with work but still getting a paycheck and I also chose what activities mean the most to my kids and me and I am showing up at these. And I am constantly pushing the whole flexible work day idea at work. I push it every day! The one big thing to note is that in other countries women do not deal with these types of questions or write essays on the subject as often as here is because society is set up to support them!
The most helpful advice I have ever received as a working mom is to outsource things that I don't want to do such as house cleaning, yard work, laundry, and grocery shopping to name a few. My husband and I pay someone to manage these things so that we can enjoy our children and careers. I rather have help around the house than new clothes or other possessions. We decided to allocate money to regular help because it makes our family life so much more enjoyable - much more enjoyable than material possessions, a big house, or a new car.
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Sounds like a lot of sugar has been sprinkled over the laptop in this picture. Moms can have it all? Sounds like magical/wishful imaginings from a fairy tale. Would the baby be healthier and happier if breast fed by a mother who is looking into her eyes? Just wondering.
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@Whole Cloth - did you miss the entire point of this article? She's clearly not arguing that her baby is better off with no eye contact. She's just saying that when you take a look at the big picture, parents are sometimes blaming themselves more than they really need to. Geez.
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@Whole Cloth
These types of hurtful, judge mental comments are so unnecessary. It’s clear that this author adores her children, and there is no reason to assume that her baby is unhealthy or unhappy.
How about you do parenting your way and support her for doing it her way?
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Oh this resonates .. the line about failing just a little at everything that matters to you, but still doing all the things that matter and choosing all of it, in whatever haphazard manner you can hold onto it. You wrote a beautiful article - with four kids in tow!
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I met an immigrant guy who came here to start a business, bringing his 12yo daughter to attend school, leaving his wife overseas. He told me he was working so hard for his daughter, coming home late at night, but was worried she was starting to go off the rails. He was telling her what to do like a good paternal but she was starting to fight back – and he was worried.
I said – you think you’re doing everything for her, but what does she see ?
You’re not there – she’s home alone and lonely – she feels abandoned. You’re not listening to her ! I suggested – when you come home from work every night, sit down with her and ask her how was her day, then STAY SILENT !
Just listen – let her tell you whatever – don’t interrupt – let her just talk - and after about five minutes she’ll feel better. Try that.
I didn’t see him for about 6 weeks, when he invited me to an expensive restaurant for lunch. On arrival, I saw him sitting with his daughter who was beaming happily – he told me their relationship was the best it had ever been – all thanks to me. Even years later recently a neighbour told me he can’t stop talking about how wonderful I am.
So there you go – ask – stop – listen – and wait. See what happens.
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This is a great piece. I love the photo and immediately read it as a mom being there for her kids, despite facing a work deadline. And I love what your son said about your work. It is good for kids to know that they have to share their parents with the world. ❤️
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I worked outside the home 3 days a week from the time my oldest child was born until my twins, born 4 years later, reached 18 months old. I was then fortunate to be able to choose to stay at home with my children, intending to return to work once the twins reached school-age. Circumstances intervened 2 years later, however, when my husband was laid off and I had to return to work in an office, this time on a full-time basis. I continued to work throughout their childhood, but was able to do it from home when my oldest was 12 and the twins 8. I always felt guilty about those years working in an office away from home, feeling that I, and they, missed out. A few years ago I mentioned this to one of my twins, now age 32. His reply? “What are you talking about, Mom? You were always around.” I was astounded. His primary memory was of my presence, not my absence! I said to myself, “I guess I can let that one go.” Time has put things into perspective. My kids, my husband, and I, are more than OK. The kids turned out just fine.
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This is a wonderful, honest piece which you will never read by a male author. And still the judgements! Work is money, stimulation, self worth, community. Having it all is code for mothers working. Who uses that for men? They still don’t have to choose because they have it all. It’s just accepted without judgement. Shaking my head in 2019.
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I found this article very moving. I'm a working mom and felt the same guilt - and I worked from my house! But I eventually realized how much watching my own mom work, enjoy her work, and succeed had a very positive impact on me.
I am currently divorced. I love my work today, I love my career, and I have realized I am showing my children what is possible for them: they can love their work, they can have a career, and they can support themselves, just like their (happy) mom.
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Why have 4 children then?
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@Wanda
Nonsense. I was one of three children with working parents and we are all happily married adults, productive members of our community, and tremendously grateful to her. She dealt with lots of judgment back in the 70s and 80s. Sad to know that hasn't changed.
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My husband and I both work with two now-adult children. I worked part-time when they were young and they both make it a point to remind me that they are grateful i put my career on hold for a few years. Seriously, it’s really difficult to have everything (at the same time.) Something or someone suffers.
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Half of all pregnancies in the US are unintended. Fewer than half of these pregnancies are terminated. Judgment of people's choices is not helpful.
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Does she have a husband or partner? Did her mother have a husband to help her? Feels like two incomplete pictures.
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I can’t help but ask why one would have 4 children and still work while they are small? It just can’t be worth it- for all involved. Sorry.
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@Canadian
Of course it's worth it. Why not? I am the child of two very busy working parents, and, as an adult, I am extremely close both to them and my two siblings. My life is richer because I had the siblings, and I missed nothing because my parents had jobs. 100 years ago they would have been running the farm for a dozen hours a day while I was watched by a neighbor or sibling. They wouldn't have been sitting in the house with me doing Play-doh every minute. Sadly, there would have been far less judgment.
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@Canadian Would you say that to a father?
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Why wouldn’t it be worth it? I’m part of a two-parent, two-kid family, we both work like crazy, and plan carefully so that one of us is always with our kids and our kids always know they are our top priority, it is messy and nuts but there is so much fun and joy, both for us and for them. I do save time by eliminating guilt from my life as much as possible. My older daughter taught me pretty early on that she doesn’t need me, specifically, to be with her all the time. She needs to be surrounded by a small group of reliable, loving adults, and also her peers, and to know that when she does need me in particular (or my partner) one of us will be there for her. Many wonderful one- and two-parent families have no choice but to work full-time (or more!) and they are still in loving, bonded, mutually supportive families. There are an infinite variety of ways to be a good parent. I have had the opportunity to step back from work for awhile when each of my kids was very little, but I do that for me, because I want to do that and I enjoy it. If I weren’t able to do that, or didn’t choose to, my kids would still be just fine.
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I have a similar picture of a toddler perched on my lap while I worked at an old table in the middle of a playroom. When “me-time” is your work life, it can be wonderful, truly. I love writing and freelancing provided an outlet for me to take a break from being a mom (not to mention it allowed me to have a career). Although juggling two jobs at once can feel impossible. (Working on deadline while simultaneously taking care of your kiddos? It requires heroic feats in time management!) I always said, “If I could just live without sleep, I could get EVERYTHING done!” My kids are teenagers now, and I have a lovely office and dedicated working hours while they’re in school. If I could change one thing, I would have been more vocal about my challenges to my husband and family members who had no idea what it took to make it all work. You don’t need a medal, but it is nice to be acknowledged for your effort. It takes a special mom to do what you’re doing. Four kids? You’re amazing.
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