People who commit suicide may not be telling anyone how they are feeling because they don't want to be dragged off, handcuffed, and locked up. As someone who used was suicidal during a particularly bad period of my life, I experienced a psych ward once. After that, I would never have told anyone that I was feeling suicidal. We treat people with mental health problems like criminals. And sexual assault and harassment is rampant on psych wards, particularly co-ed ones. Even if they speak up, victims aren't believed. Is it any wonder that suicidal people don't speak up about their plans?
32
Mr. Brooks missed a crucial fact: stigma. Shame keeps people away from help. A large percentage of people who die by suicide see their PCP within a month of death. A much smaller percentage see a mental health clinician.
16
David thanks for highlighting this problem, a real one, and freeing us from another discussion about that freak trump and his latest tweet. It is good to focus on things that matter.
My mother and one of my brothers committed suicide. A dear friend did as well. They were all kind loving people but suffered from chemical imbalances in the brain and medication alone was not the cure assuming they were taking them. We are not taught to recognize the signs of suicide let alone how to respond. We also do not have nearly enough adequate mental health care in this country unless one is financially well healed. In our culture we are told to be strong, independent, self reliant and to suck it up, some of us just are not and we miss them and love them just the same.
12
'We also need to go broader. Suicide is a societal problem. It’s strongly associated with social isolation. Men die at higher rates than women, single people more than married people, rural people more than urban people, Native Americans and whites more than blacks or Latinos.'
By far the highest rate of suicide in the USA is amongst young male Native Americans living on reservations. But the suicide rate between boys and young men living in Native American communities also varies dramatically:
'Suicide rates vary widely among tribes. For example, the rate found among the White Mountain Apache people was much higher (45.4 per 100,000) than among all American Indians/Alaska Natives (13.93 per100,000) in the same time period of 2001–2006.
The suicide rate for White Mountain Apache youth ages 15–24 (128.5 per 100,000) was much higher than the rate for all AI/AN youth of the same ages in the same time period (24.62 per 100,000).
In the years 2003–2006, Alaska Natives had a suicide rate of 51.4, compared to 16.9 in the non-Native Alaska population.
However, there was considerable variation in the suicide rates of Natives among the different regions of the state and the different Native ethnic groups, with the Inupiat Eskimos having the highest rates, and the Aleuts having a rate lower than the rest of Alaska.'
https://www.samhsa.gov/capt/sites/default/files/resources/suicide-ethnic-populations.pdf
7
The short video of Agnes - partially narrated by Mr. Brooks - is worth watching and sharing. As a police officer (now retired) it was part of my job to occasionally investigate suicides, and those of young people were by far the most stressful, some remain with me to this day.
Too often, they were LGBT and struggling to cope with the homophobia they faced every day – not just the significant and real fear of coming out in a conservative culture, but the constant gay bashing (“faggot”, “queer”) that too many gay teens hear almost every day, and which takes a heavy toll on them.
Kudos and my gratitude to Mr. Brooks for being a part of Weave: The Social Fabric Project. Essentially, Weave is telling us to reach out with a hand of friendship and words of kindness to all.
20
Adding a few other resources related to counseling: New York Crisis Lines
New York Area Resources:
NYC Well: 888-692-9355
Adult Protective Services: (212) 630-1918
LifeNet: 800-LIFENET
Parent Helpline: 888-435-7553
OpenCounseling.com for outpatient clinics around the country offering low fee help
8
The only known treatment proven to reduce suicide risk is lithium.
It is misunderstood mischaracterized,and stigmatized by conventional medicine. Lithium is a natural salt that cannot be patented. It is dirt cheap.
My guess is that the drug industry is behind all the bad press.
Lithium had been shown to be effective much lower doses than are currently being prescribed in the US .It does not cause weight gain and has few side effect all of which are dose dependent.
Lithium is not addictive.
It is an antiviral, is neuroprotective and the only substance known to increase gray matter in the brain.
8
What makes me the angriest is to read the obituary of a young person who has died that talks about what a wonderful son or daughter he/she was, lists all their activities and friends but not one mention of the cause of death so I know it’s a suicide. It’s amazing how many folks just won’t talk about it at all. Unless it’s done in public-like walking in front of a train. Then we talk about it, form committees to talk about it but then it fades and nothing really is done! It just breaks my heart.
8
Some comments here point out how today's political/economical environment is also responsible for an increasing suicide rate - active cultivation of racism at the highest level of government, active destruction of the quality of our air, water, soil and climate at the highest level, active destruction of our healthcare at the highest level, etc.
So wanting to reduce the suicide rate would necessarily mean supporting policies that end those practices in DC, whereas Brooks doesn't even start addressing them.
Although I fully support ending those abuses, studies show, however, that there is no DIRECT link between specific outer circumstances, and suicide rate. Countries like Venezuela, Cuba, Pakistan, Kenya (and even Syria and Iraq) have a suicide rate that is five times lower than the US rate (in 2016), although material insecurity is arguably much higher.
That doesn't mean that the stress of losing your health insurance in the US can't plunge you into a depression, it only means that outer factors can trigger it, but cannot be seen as the most important factor.
That's because there's another factor determining your reaction to external, material challenges: your level of resilience.
It turns out that resilience is highly trainable ... but that our society doesn't value (let alone systematically train) it at all.
So THAT's why this is indeed a "societal problem". Solving it means calling for urgent investment in access to EQ training. Why isn't Brooks doing so?
3
Brooks is right, this is a national crisis with a number of interrelated causes that deserves immediate attention. I applaud him for bringing attention to these issues.
However, its also very frustrating to see people like Brooks clearly acknowledge the issue but refuse to endorse concrete policies that have a proven track record of addressing the causes behind this trend: increasing awareness of mental health issues and improving access to, and funding for, mental health treatment and health care; reasonable gun control laws; increased funding for programs that build and strengthen communities and reduce social isolation.
All of these programs have shown, time and again and across the globe, to reduce the issues that Brooks emphasizes here. But Brooks and the rest of mainstream conservatism will never approve policies that put these programs into action because that would be socialism, or unAmerican, or some other buzzword. Instead, we wring our hands and continue placing the burden on affected communities and private enterprise. Of course, if that was a viable solution we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
If we believe that addressing suicide and the causes behind it is an important and worthwhile goal (which it is), then we should be willing to fund it appropriately. Be it through taxes or charity or both, something needs to be done. I hope one day we can all agree that we need more than thoughts and prayers to address some of these issues
9
I’ve had two close friends commit suicide. It’s literally the hardest thing you can imagine. Both had avoided talk therapy. Afterwards I sought professional therapy myself to recover. Although it was paid for by the german healthcare system, I still felt it necessary to lie to my work about what I was doing. I said I was having physical rehab instead of mental rehab. Until we can remove the stigma of mental health entirely, where it’s as normal to see a therapist as a physical doctor, people will suffer in silence. Many will not make it through.
17
Thank heavens for my dear close friends around me. Experiencing parent alienation after a bitter divorce and AGAIN being abandoned from my own family (mother, sister and brother) has been the hardest fight of my life to stay alive. Daily, I wonder why truly.
6
@Laurie S.
Our culture tends to make us forget who we truly are, what our true nature is, and as a consequence why you too absolutely matter, and why there's only one main purpose of our life on earth: to learn how to make our love (for ourselves and others) perfect.
Your family may abandon you because they were never taught how to understand how precious they are, and as a consequence, can't see how special and absolutely wonderful you are. They clearly also never learned that you deserve ALL the love in the world, just because you exist and are you, and regardless of all your achievements and huge mistakes. And they never learned this truth because they never learned that that's true for them too.
The good news is THAT all these things can be learned though.
We all inherited suffering from previous generations. But we can become conscious of the thought patterns that kept them deluded and suffering, and we can heal ourselves - and then maybe even help them and/or others suffer a bit less.
So any step you take to suffer a bit less and to see a bit more clearly who you truly are, is a step that simultaneously helps you to help others more. Imho, there is no other purpose worth living for in life ...
All the best to you.
6
Stigma kills. Depression and suicide have many causes, physical, emotional and situational but if the sufferers don't open up and the people around them don't dare to talk about it, the damage just festers.
The suicidal are in a place where they may not want to drop hints anymore. So the caregivers must take the initiative. Putting ideas in the sufferers' head is a myth. Even regular people have suicidal impulse. If the sufferers are not suicidal, they still need heart-to-heart talks. So why not.
Just because the sufferers are under professional care doesn't mean the caregivers can outsource the empathy and compassion no matter how tiring they are. But caregivers need support too. Sometimes, the danger is the greatest when the sufferers start to feel better, for they have more energy now to carry out the ideation of killing themselves. My best friend's wife, also one of my best friends, killed herself in the university hospital.
Helping the suicidal is not an one size fits all; but like helping the alcoholics, sometimes you deal with the symptoms first but then the root causes. Even so, what if the root cause is hopeless. Don't give false hope. However, suicide is a permanent fix to a moment of terror.
Finally, young people kill themselves because they have revenge fantasy and are deluded with romantic vision. Neither is real.
4
My daughter, who's bipolar, has promised not to kill herself as long as I am alive. Needless to say, this is no comfort to me.
I see two issues going on. First is the failure of the mental health community to be honest about their limits. My oldest daughter was not diagnosed as bipolar unit after at least 10 years of treatment by multiple psychiatrists. This lack of a clear diagnosis is concerning yet when you talk to treatment people it is "oh this drug will work" even if it has horrible side effects and does not really work. Hubris is not good.
Mental health professionals need to be much more humble. My second daughter, after years of being mis-diagnosed as ADHD, turned out to actually be autistic.
We have literally spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on covered and uncovered (mostly) insurance. Sorry, but there is still no "parity" in mental health benefits.
My final comment concerns how my kids view the world these days. No wonder they are depressed. After graduating cum laude from college in 2008 one has been totally unable to find a solid financial footing because most jobs pay so little. And this is particularly true for those with a mental health diagnosis.
Finally, their generation faces so many challenges and worries that drive them to consider suicide: global warming, emerging fascism in their own country, and an economy that only favors the well off.
To them, suicide may be a very valid choice.
79
@Mike
Similar experience here too.
The partner of my sister was "diagnosed" with depression by a psychiatrist. After anti-depressants seem to have lost their initial effect, the psychiatrist said that she might be bipolar after all, so proposed to try out anti-bipolar drugs. That made things only worse, so they concluded that she must not be bipolar, etc.
If you read the DSM, which invented notions such as "bipolar", "depression" etc., you cannot but observe that these classifications have NO scientific value whatsoever. It's a PHARMACOLOGICAL invention, that tries to list some common "symptoms" that tend to get less intense after taking a specific molecule for a while, but (1) the list of symptoms is extremely vague and ambiguous, contrary to what a scientific definition requires, and (2) there is NO scientifically proven study about HOW those molecules actually work in the brain, and why that would have a certain impact.
And the worst of all is that once you start taking these drugs (which SOMETIMES help avoid the worst - as in the case of my sister) you're literally addicted for years and years, whereas they have tons of side effects.
And one of those side effects is numbing out, so getting even less in contact with your own feelings, whereas neurological studies now show that learning how to do so, and how to do so lovingly, is most of the time actually the ONLY approach that works once and for all - and builds the resilience needed to cope with external challenges.
12
I disagree that these disorders are somehow "invented." That they are complex and often intertwined is a fact. And treatment, which ranges from fairly simple to maddeningly frustrating, is a fact of life.
15
Agnes’ practical advice, as well as David’s fact-based insights, are apropos and sage regarding suicide.
Yet there is one gaping lacuna in both: the desperate need for professional care. To downplay psychological and especially psychiatric expertise can not only be foolhardy but downright lethal.
4
Very sensitive take on suicide. Thanks for sharing yours and Agnes' wisdom.
3
"Keeping people alive is a collective task". Isn't this the same as saying Health Care for all is a social responsibility?
David Brooks is a closet socialist. Who knew!
7
Perhaps you just don't get it. I live with suicidal ideation every day. I am 62: I see what the GOP is proposing as the future for my generation. It involves unaffordable costs or living and unattainable health care. I don't fit the desirable wealth bracket, and therefore no longer serve the primary function of American citizens: to buy lots of stuff.
Our secular society is created through our tax system and our government's spending priorities The America that has resulted seems designed to make 98% of us feel hopeless and trapped. It seems that the 1 Percenters and their corporations don't see any reason for most of us to live past a certain Use By Date since they paid for a government designed to eliminate us through malign neglect.
Suicide is increasing because our Society apparently wants it to. We are considered too broke, too dependent, too unhealthy and too useless to keep alive. We have gotten the message loud and clear.
107
@Louise
I couldn't agree more.
That being said, neurological studies show that resilience (= thriving, even in the face of very difficult outer circumstances) CAN be trained.
So maybe the worst here isn't the fact that the GOP systematically makes materially surviving extremely difficult and stressful for the 99%, but the fact that society as a whole does NOT cultivate nor provide access to resilience training.
You could even go a step further, and suppose that IF so many GOP politicians are only in it for themselves and their wealthiest donors, it's because more than Democrats they've adopted a worldview of "material scarcity", where either you go under or you rig the system to at least get wealthy yourself.
From a spiritual (religious or secular) point of view, however, it's precisely the lack of systematically cultivating your own inner, spiritual purpose that makes people completely identify with their outer purposes - the roles they play (or have to play) in society, as employees/workers, taxpayers, mothers, etc., which makes you believe that material survival is all there is in life.
As aldercones writes below, though, today there ARE ways to develop true inner well-being and resilience, including in the US. And they are often even offered for free, if you're in a difficult financial situation. See self-compassion.org, or Mark Williams' "Finding Peace in a Frantic world" training. We CAN get through this, together.
All the best,
Take care.
14
Your comment is so important and your insights valuable. Please stay alive and keep sharing. Even people who know you only through your writing want you to stick around.
And know that your living through (not succumbing to) the thought/impulse/pressure to suicide also helps others to hang in there as well.
Peace and comfort and courage and connection
And if you should ever want or need another resource:
national suicide prevention lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
15
@Louise
I hope that you are talking to some mental health professional about that ideation. While the society may be going to hell, you can still look after yourself, you don't have to go down with it. See to your needs, and when you can, help to save the rest of the society.
17
nice work
1
Thank you for this important piece, David and The NYT. Please, however, immediately update it to include information on how to contact one or more suicide prevention hotline/lifeline.
Here is one resource for anyone out there who is struggling (and please do reach out; you are more valued than you know or might feel in the moment)
tel: 1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
3
You don't talk at all about a huge reason so many commit suicide: they cannot earn enough money to live today. This newspaper has published several articles about the rising suicide rate of middle-aged men (mostly) who are driven to despair by the fact that they cannot find a job or one that pays enough money for them to live and/or support their families. Another issue that is never spoken about is the rampant ageism everywhere in this country over jobs. I have several single women friends who are in their 50s and 60s - highly skilled and seasoned in their fields - and they cannot BUY a job interview.
NAFTA, automation, robotics, AI - all of these things, including China's complete takeover of so much of what used to be manufactured here, AND the globalization of everything has decimated good jobs for so many in this country, and I personally think that THAT is the main reason for all of this.
Nobody cares if you can't pay your bills, and the social stigma of being unemployed is vast and cruel and neverending. "You're not trying hard enough." "If you really wanted a job, you could find one." And on and on.
I know. I lived this when I was taking care of my Mom in Ohio. I was lucky. I crawled back to a job in New York and am ever so grateful to have it, still. In the entire 9 years I lived there, I could not earn a decent living on my own.
The haves have everything. Look at that and include THAT - the gaping disparity.
8
As a clinical psychologist for more than 30 years, I applaud David Brooks' sincerity and compassion, but he gives much too little attention to the necessity for professional treatment. Would you ask your next-door-neighbor to help you manage your diabetes or heart disease? Clinical depression is not the same thing as grief or feeling "sad"--and in many cases (the estimates range up to 50%), there is simply no identifiable external cause. The best advice you can give your neighbor is to get professional help and to emphasize that depression is treatable and can be overcome.
6
I have been a mental health professional for over 30 years and I am impressed to read a column on suicide and suicide prevention in the opinion section of The NY Times. This would never have happened 10 years ago much less 30 years ago. Just the act of talking more directly and straightforwardly about suicide as we do other serious health conditions like cancer and heart disease is the biggest step a community can take in moving towards prevention. The website of The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (afsp.org) is a huge resource for all touched by suicide, those who are struggling and anyone interested in learning more about suicide, suicide prevention and how to be supportive and helpful. Thank you David Brookes for your column and bringing this subject out of the dark and into the light.
4
It's very hard to believe suicide is a societal problem, I think it must be purely due to mental inability to cope...period. Everybody and every living thing wants to live and fights to live, to heck with whether or not they provide a benefit or truly value life - they want to live in spite of the alternative. If someone decides to unilaterally end their life despite the heart wrenching damage they leave those left behind to deal with in their absence...that person has ZERO coping skills, that's not societal - that's personal.
1
@David
No, because all neurological studies out there show that what you call "coping skills" are skills that we learn how to train by meeting others who show us how to do so.
So either your social environment contains people who taught you how to do this, or not.
As we don't teach these things at school although we know how to develop them, it IS a societal problem - and a political problem.
By the way, it's not because you never thought about suicide that your own coping skills must have necessarily been developed in a more effective way, you know. One of the main coping mechanisms in our culture today is massively judging and suppressing negative emotions, or acting out. And a culture that cultivates these coping skills rather than much more efficient ones, precisely creates a lot of suffering and as such, the conditions for a much higher suicide rate.
Finally, the day you'll go talking to suicidal people, you'll learn that they often end their life BECAUSE their environment imagines that they SHOULD not be suffering so much, and then suffers from the fact that they're so unhappy. As a consequence, ending their own life in order to alleviate the suffering of their close ones is precisely one of the main motivations of suicide - at least their loved ones don't have to live in constant fear anymore, for instance.
So if their environment would accept that it is NOT providing coping skills training, rather than blame them for not coping, things would change already...
4
@Ana Luisa
In addition to being terribly mistaken, you're exercising a lot of enabling muscle. Just read the article, namely the input from his grieving mother.
Loneliness is a big ingredient in the recipe that can lead to suicide. It’s such a problem in the UK that they have appointed a new Minister of Loneliness. Research there shows elderly people, living alone, who haven’t had social contact in a month. We should all be aware of this and reach out where we can, thoughtfully, especially to neighbors and friends!! Lonely Woody Allen, as only Woody can do, indicates this desperate need as he approaches a woman in an art museum. (The woman shows her own problems with loneliness and emptiness that need serious attention.)
Woody: “That’s quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn’t it.”
Woman: “Yes, it is.”
Woody: “What does it say to you?”
Woman: “It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous, lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of man, forced to live in a barren Godless eternity, like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror, and degradation forming a useless bleak straight-jacket in a black absurd cosmos.”
Woody: “What are you doing Saturday night?”
Woman: “Committing suicide.”
Woody: “What about Friday night?”
4
"The first thing to do, Agnes advises, is validate their feelings".
That makes a lot of sense.
Problem: where and when did we learn HOW to "validate feelings"? Our own feelings, to start with?
Neurological studies have shown that doing so requires daily practice, as validating emotions turns out to be a skill, and skill that needs to be developed through daily training, using certain tools.
One of those tools is called "RAIN". Go sitting down for a moment, and concentrate on your breathing for some time, in order to settle your mind. Then bring up a recent emotion. Start by Recognizing the existence of that emotion. Name it, for instance. Then Accept that you're having this emotion (including the potential immediate emotional judging of yourself FOR having this emotion). Then Investigate it: where do you feel it most in your body? What thoughts are linked to it? Just investigate as a real researcher would do, so without judging, or if judging is part of what you find, without judging the judging. Finally take the last step: Non-identification. Learn/see how to not identify with that emotion, as you ARE not your emotions, emotions are states of consciousness that arise and pass, they don't DEFINE you.
You do need to practice this before you can "validate" emotions. And only once you can do so for your own emotions, will you become able to do so too when being with a suicidal person and his (very intense, negative and even dangerous) emotions. So it all starts with YOU...
2
Our young people are losing hope and the elderly can't believe what they're seeing. If the current political landscape isn't enough of a reason consider how most people are over-medicated. In particular anti-depressants are over prescribed at way too high doses. They don't work for most people and weaning off of them is enough to make anyone suicidal. The only hope is in VOTING out the garbage.
3
You can fight suicide by embracing Donald Trump. He's ALIVE. The leftist, feminist mentality that took over during the Obama years left many people feeling empty inside. Like something is missing. And there is. Liberals have no answers to what life is really about. They deny physiology and reject social norms to their detriment. They talk about “equality” without really knowing what equality looks like. They fight for women’s rights without even knowing what most women want. They complain, complain, and complain, without ever taking responsibility for their own feelings. Excessive liberalism will kill you.
@Mark
As far as I remember, it's liberals that signed Romneycare on a federal level into law. Result: an additional half a million American lives saved a decade. What did the GOP do about healthcare since then? "Complain, complain and complain" ...
And thanks to Obamacare, more people how have access to mental healthcare.
On the other hand, there are NO scientific studies AT ALL showing that somehow embracing racism and immoral behavior (= embracing Trump) would increase, rather than reduce, solid mental health ... .
As to abortion: study after study shows that when Democrats govern (and as a consequence prevention and birth control increase), the number of abortions goes down ... to go up again when the GOP takes over and it ends this kind of programs.
Being alive means being connected to our common humanity, being connected to our inner goodness and innate sense of compassion and actively develop those skills, so that we can embrace our emotions rather than running away from them, as Trump so often does.
Conclusion: imho you're confounding grandstanding and lying with "real life" ... ;-)
6
I like you, David, but you have no idea what suicidal depression is. And you are enviably fortunate you don't. Same goes for most of the blissfully clueless commentators here.
The depth of misery, the wish you had never been born, the utter lack of hope that anything will ever get better--because hope, and religion, and therapy, and medication, and talking with friends, and more therapy, and different meds, and everything else you've tried over years and decades have changed nothing. Absolutely nothing. You are still alone in deep dark dank pit, with no way to crawl out of it. There is no one you hate so much that you would wish your life on him. All you want is a gun, so you can quickly end it when you deem the time is right.
Some of understand this all too well. The rest of you, thank your god you don't.
9
@ Stephanie
I get you. Three time suicide survivor here, trying not to go there again. Truly, unless you’ve been in the dark pit, you can’t understand it. Nothing else I’ll say now - if I say, “ you’re not alone,” it isn’t really helpful. Because you are, and so am I. That’s the damn brutal reality. (Still, I can want you not to die, to find a pinpoint of hope, even though we’re strangers, even though “I want off.”)
6
@Person
With all respect, as SO many people are feeling what you are feeling, how can you imagine that the thought "I am alone" must nevertheless be true?
It is precisely your ability to feel such deep, common human emotions, and to feel THESE particular emotions (the despair and suffering that go with suicidal depression) that inevitably connect you to our common humanity.
It's why one of the scientifically most effective programs for preventing relaps is based on actively developing this truth of "interconnectedness", which our current society so often makes us forget or even deny (that program is called MBCT).
The best remedy against being overwhelmed by intense negative emotions, self-compassion, is a skill that is based on 3 pillars:
1. learning to acknowledge that this is hard, what you're going through, and that this is a moment of suffering, rather than judging yourself for finding yourself in such an intense negative state
2. learning to remember that suffering is part of life. All people suffer sooner or later, and many times in life. Not everybody goes through the exact same kind of suffering, but we all suffer ("common humanity")
3. learning to be truly kind to yourself, and give yourself FULL permission to give yourself ALL the compassion you need.
The more you connect to yourself in this way, the more you can deeply connect to others too, and once you do, you FEEL that "being alone" somehow isn't an entirely accurate thought.
See self-compassion.org.
2
"You are a person worthy of love. You don't have to do anything to deserve all the love in the world" - Sharon Salzberg, author of "Real love. The art of mindful connection".
How many people today have truly integrated this idea in their self-image?
How many people have learned how to base the most important relationship in their entire life - the relationship with themselves, their "inner landscape" of emotions, thoughts, sensations etc. - on this idea?
How many people, on the contrary, feel uncomfortable when reading this sentence? How many people feel as if others are worthy of their love and compassion, but feel much more hesitant when they're asked to do what Michelle Obama so spontaneously said at 2018's Women's Summit: "I like myself! I really like myself! I have a VERY good relationship with myself!" ... ?
Yes, as Brooks says, suicide is a societal problem, and based on deep self-loathing.
But one day we do will have to connect the dots here, and start investing in systematical self-love and self-compassion training.
And as it turns out that you can only connect to others to the extent that you've managed to connect to yourself, let's not assume too fast that what suicidal people need is our "advice", telling them what to "do" or how to think. They rather need people who developed self-connection and self-compassion deep enough to know how to de facto connect to them and their feelings. Judging them only makes it worse, but so does giving advice, often ...
Instead of training our kids in learning how to validate emotions, however, we all too often taught them the exact opposite: sadness is a theological SIN, we are told, so when we feel it, we should feel shame and guilt about it and hide and suppress it as hard as we can.
That's why for centuries in the West suicide even was one of the worst sins - and officially even a crime.
Emotions continue to be taboo in our society. We're not supposed to talk about them, especially when it comes to negative emotions.
And it's this inability to create a culture where we learn how to connect to and embrace our own emotions, that then leads to so much social isolation. Just going to talk to suicidal people won't be enough. Learning how to validate emotions requires a huge cultural shift, where teaching EQ becomes part of the core trainings offered at school and on the work floor. Because you need to have developed a seriously high EQ before you CAN "validate" suicidal people's emotions in a way that truly makes them feel more rather than even less connected.
That means no longer considering emotional management as private affair, something that each individual has to do without ever talking about it, and even more so, no longer considering emotional management as something that any "healthy" brain automatically does.
It means accepting that life DOES require a manual and is an art, that we have to collectively invest in IF we don't want any massive suicide rates anymore...
2
I appreciate that Mr. Brooks is bringing awareness to this epidemic. Suicide loss is deeply traumatic for those left behind.
As a mental health clinician, I've been trained in using the Columbia Suicide Severity Rating Scale, and evidence-based tool to assist in suicide assessment. This scale also has versions available for anyone to use - family members, friends, teachers, religious leaders, coaches, etc. And it's available in numerous languages. I strongly encourage everyone to learn more: http://cssrs.columbia.edu/.
5
There are now extensive resources and studies available with respect to suicide prevention and for those of us who have lost loved ones to suicide. I hope that you will write another column delving more deeply into those, including the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the many other organizations and groups who advocate, teach, console, and raise funds for research and education. We have a long way to go, but we are already far in advance of where we were a decade ago.
1
Mental health services are a good idea, but their approach to crises is often disappointing. Organizations tend to default to algorithms that are meant to be fail-safe, but in practice, often end up exacerbating the problem. Scoring a certain number of points on a suicide risk inventory may summon burly men to detain someone for his/her own good. An experience like that is a good antidote to discussing depression openly.
Large organizations do a poor job of keeping their actions focused. Too many people get involved in the care of the mentally ill and there is little continuity or personal connection.
1
I respectfully disagree with David's advice to avoid saying something akin to, "Do you realize how much your killing yourself would devastate the people you love/love you?"
For many who contemplate killing themselves, reflecting on the realities of what their suicide would communicate, mean, and do to people, a person, or even a pet they love or care about isn't something they've done in earnest. Especially when done with the guidance of a compassionate, patient, knowledgeable and skilled clinician or friend, such reflection often reminds those considering suicide (or other serious, life-altering action) of their interconnection with others, of how important their lives and their continued living is to others, and that losing them to suicide would likely leave a legacy of far greater pain and problems for their loved ones than whatever way they may think they're currently burdening these same people.
We know that one of the reasons women, who are statistically more likely than men to have depression and perhaps contemplate suicide, are also statistically less likely to die from a suicide attempt than are men. One reason for this difference: in our culture, interrelationship and connectedness with others is often more central to a woman's sense of herself and the world than is true for many men. Those connections, how her life is interwoven with others', can be like a net that catches her before or as she acts. Touching on the cords of interconnection strengthens the net
3
@MSW
In my experience, one of the main causes that drives people to commit suicide is that their self-esteem is so low and their self-hatred so big and inescapable that they are convinced that they (= their deep despair and unhappiness) are a huge burden to their relatives and lost ones, and that disappearing is the only thing they can still do to alleviate their relatives' suffering ...
In that case, asking them to survive in order to help their relatives is both:
1. making things worse by cultivating their feeling of responsibility for other people's emotions and happiness, and as a consequence feeling of guilt even more, and
2. denying them the basic right to a life in dignity, and without 24/7 unbearable suffering - as you ask them to continue to inflict that suffering onto themselves even longer, whereas killing themselves would finally end it (reason why so many people experience it as the very last act of real self-respect and self-love).
Equally counter-productive is to imagine that people who kill themselves but survive did so because they "only want attention" - in other words, are so arrogant to believe that they deserve more attention/love from others than anybody else.
Telling people that they should feel "connected" already doesn't work. You have to ACTIVELY connect with them instead, which starts by listening to and acknowledging their feelings, instead of judging them and telling them that those feelings are wrong/false ...
4
Admitted or not, everyone has thought of suicide in their lifetime. Reasons are myriad. From the biological to the mental or external causes.
3
Brooks writes;
"Ask them to write down a life plan for those moments when the lying voice gets loudest: Who will they call? Where will they go? Hang the contact information right on the wall. Don’t let such a person swear you to secrecy. You’re going to find more help. Try anti-suicide apps (...).
We also need to go broader. Suicide is a societal problem. It’s strongly associated with social isolation."
It is indeed. So can you now please explain how your advice (to write down who they will call and where to go) somehow could be applied by a person suffering from social isolation, once you recognize that it's a societal problem ... ?
It's precisely the fact that for years and years, many Americans don't have anywhere to go nor anyone to call, when struggling with intense negative emotions, that this kind of advice risks to be quite useless.
And they don't have anyone to call because as a society, we decided to NOT invest in developing fundamental moral values such as deep listening, real compassion, the capacity to be with and stay with intense emotions (rather than to panic and run away from them) etc.
So whom will they call? A co-worker who has no clue at all, when it comes to being with difficult emotions? A psychiatrist who will make them believe that they're "ill" and as such disconnect them even more from our deep human need to belong, or who will extinguish ALL of his emotions with drugs, rather than to allow him to learn how to connect deeper with himself?
1
One thing that is missing from this column is economic despair. One of the leading causes of bankruptcy is medical bills. Suicide can seem the only option for those who are sick and destitute. This should not be acceptable in this supposedly decent country.
89
@theresa
I totally agree. This is one argument for a guaranteed basic income. If we as a society really abhor suicide, why don't we commit ourselves to actually helping people who have lost hope and are facing destitution and despair.
8
@Conrad and theresa—agreed. But you’ll never see the likes of Brooks supporting guaranteed basic income or free Medicare.
6
@theresa,
'he' died twenty years ago and in his letter to his family at age 52, he wrote 'I would not be writing this if I had won the Jackpot'.
A musician down on his luck, he was living on borrowed time and credit cards, burnt offerings, and he would not accept financial help from me, but only my time; only a reminder that he was not redundant, and that his existence mattered. But we were all too busy and tired to make time to call him, and it was the end of the road. He hanged himself on a Monday night.
His sister and I went to his apartment a week later, and on a small desk was a bottle of whisky, one drink only, and his presence lingered in the air. He had spent his last summer with his mother in Ireland, and when he returned, I told him that he had never been gone for so long.
At early dawn, I look at the view of the barn, a perfect studio for his music, and we had always planned to move from the city, and live in the countryside one day.
'Slieve Bloome', thinking of you and it has never been the same without you.
4
I died years ago. I don't know what happened. I haven't really felt anything in almost 20 years, with the exception of when my dad died. Friends are gone. Family is distant. No job. Probably what's kept me alive is money, as pathetic as that sounds. Books, music and ballet have helped, but that's a result of having money. My only friend wrote me off as a slacker, but the truth is I've been depressed and/or numb since I was in college, a span of about 25 years. All I do is try to suppress the worst feelings of despair, just to keep my head above water. I can't believe I'm writing this in response to a David Brooks column.
6
@Jess
Fact is, you are not alone, tons of people are going through this as you wrote it.
For me, two books were fundamental in understanding what happened, and most of all, how to become truly alive again:
1. Mark Williams, "The Mindful way through depression" (or his "Finding Peace in a Frantic World") - a deep explanation and a scientifically proven, 8-week training program to really install the brain networks necessary for becoming able to embrace rather than having to run away from very profound despair, and to get your life back.
2. "Lost Connections", Johann Hari (an explanation that goes back to societal origins of depression and what truly works to end it).
Art is a wonderful way to explore emotions, but it doesn't really learn you how to deal with intense negative emotions 24/7.
As the saying goes: as long as you're breathing, there's more right than wrong with you.
Learning how to connect with what's fundamentally right in you is the path to learning how to simply be with strong negative emotions, memories etc., and it turns out that the more you can just be with them, the less intens they become, and the more you can develop the space for other, intense positive emotions and then getting connected to your life's purpose again.
So the bottom line here is that numbing out is THE best way to survive intense despair, UNTIL you discover that there IS a safe way to connect to your despair again, and as such to your own inner landscape, including all of its beauty
4
And in case there's too much of an urgency to still have the time to read books: see for instance www.tarabrach.org, and the online interactive courses showing how to approach intense (and dangerous) negatie emotions (and why to do so).
You can also learn this in a one-on-one setting, by working individually with a psychologist trained in these techniques. Contact info can be found on Tara Brach's website.
You'll see, you are NOT alone. What you're describing here is what millions of people have felt and feel, and there IS a solution, fortunately.
But of course, don't take my word for it, just try it out for yourself and then see whether this works for you.
All the best.
1
That took a lot of strength to do so. Good job 😊
2
I am a three time suicide survivor. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I can offer my thoughts, which derive from not only experience, but considerable reflection, research and critically, need.
While the reasons may differ, I believe that being suicidal fundamentally diffuses into being without hope. No hope at all.
Please, let the suicidal person speak this hopeless. Please listen without advice. Please let them know that though they may not ever believe your words, they are loved and treasured by you. Please do not let your own fears get in the way. Please hug the person, if you sense that’s appropriate; it could be a long time since they were touched. Please help them get care; it’s very difficult when someone has become isolated.
Of course, if they are in immediate danger, other measures need to be taken. However, in some cases it might be helpful to think of it this way:
“It’s not that I don’t want to live,
its that I don’t want to live like this.”
8
If you're new to this and someone close to you just tried to or wants to end his or her life, the most useful thing is probably ... to be willing to listen.
That means to actively make space for that person to try to put words on what he feels, in such a way that you constantly remind yourself of that person's fundamental inner goodness, and you constantly refrain from judging or blaming or even advice giving.
Give someone the gift of your attention, and he will "blossom like a flower", Thich Nhat Hanh famously said.
Feeling deeply disconnected from yourself and others is one of the worst forms of pain a human being can ever go through, and often part of the unbearable pain that suicidal people suffer from 24/7.
Disconnected from you own emotions, disconnected from what truly matters to yourself, and disconnected from others, in the sense that you don't have any real, meaningful relationships, in which you can truly be yourself AS you are here and now, without being judged.
Real, sometimes called "deep listening" is what such a person urgently needs to learn, so the best you can do is (1) learn to do so for yourself, by following a course in deep listening and applying it to your own emotional life, so that you can learn how to simply and lovingly "be with" no matter what of your own emotions, and then (2) offer this gift to someone who's suicidal, so that together you can "practice" and develop deep connection.
See also Johann Hari's book about depression.
1
What a terrible discussion about a tragic occurrence and irretrievable outcome. Suicide reference by anyone must be taken seriously and with thoughtful reply. Unfortunately, depression has a chemistry component and moments of acute fear and hopelessness will pass with help and support.
1
A crucial distinction here is that between compassion and pity.
The worst thing you can do, when confronted with human suffering, is to react with pity.
Pity means feeling sorry for someone's suffering, all while imagining that this cannot and will never happen to you too (because of who you are, where you were born, etc.).
It means blocking your own inner compassion skills (insofar as you developed them already). Compassion mean feeling someone's suffering (= empathy), and being able to see whether you can alleviate it. Compassion is based on our common humanity, and the idea that this could happen to anybody, yourself included.
Today, Republicans sometimes might still cultivate pity. They do reject compassion though - they even seem to ignore what it means.
From a political point of view, GOP pundits, politicians and voters seem to suppose that IF something bad happens to you, it MUST be your own fault. They even believe that we need laws that deliberately put people in very stressful/harmful situations (no healthcare, no education, ...) in order to force them to somehow, miraculously, create access to these things.
At least Brooks here briefly mentions how "belonging" indeed is crucial for mental health. But belonging, as a society, is something that we have to DECIDE to create, collectively, and as a consequence also on a political level. If not racism will become the only way to at least create SOME sense of belonging, which then increases suicide rates even more.
3
And the fact that Brooks at least still remains interested in morality and moral issues, shows that not every Republican pundit today agrees with Kellyanne Conway's idea that "morality isn't needed in a US president".
Time and again, however, Brooks continues the typical GOP idea (= typical before McConnellism took over the GOP - Trumpism being merely a form of McConnellism) that somehow morality has to do with the individual, and the individual considered in a purely apolitical way.
That's how time and again, many liberal comments on his op-eds about moral values criticize him for not mentioning the very causes of the problems he proposes to discuss (and clearly truly cares about solving).
And very often, those causes ARE political - more precisely, the results of political decisions taken by the GOP in DC.
One after the other GOP policy isolates citizens even more. And that's because at the heart of America's conservatism, there is the idea that you can only "make it" if you make it on your own, alone.
So yes, "suicide is a societal problem". But when will Brooks ask his politicians to actively address this problem, rather than supporting policies that only make things worse ... ?
And how can you SIMULTANEOUSLY call it a "societal problem" and reduce it to a mere "voice in their head"?
When the GOP takes away your health insurance, is feeling "worthless" and without "hope" merely a "lying voice" in your head ... ?
It's this kind of schizophrenia that CAUSES suicide.
David seems sincere, but there is no mention of a leading threat to depressed people - easy access to guns. Dick Cavett, who himself suffers from bouts of depression observed that the first casualties of increasingly lax gun laws would be people suffering from depression.
Not one word about the danger of having a gun in the home. Not one word about the importance of allowing healthcare professionals to ask their patients about gun ownership.
This is my problem with people who insist we can engage in some kind of constructive dialog with the other side. If we seek to find common ground by avoiding unpleasant realities, we end up with inadequate solutions.
50
@DebbieR
While I’m in complete agreement about the dangers of guns in the home, I must point out—in fairness to David—that he did in fact mention guns, albeit briefly:
“It’s also a guns problem. A lot of people die simply because at their lowest moment, there happened to be a gun around.”
12
@Professor62,
You're right, I didn't read carefully enough. But no attempt to correlate the rise in suicide rates with the increase in guns. David continues to tread ever so lightly around his former political party's agenda.
2
He does actually mention that in his article.
2
Suicide is terrible at any age. Lately I know of three incidents where it was younger people - first semester, first year college students to be exact - who took their own lives.
The events shared the thread of pressure, expectation, and failure. In two cases the individuals had expressed great fear at the possibility of lifelong medication for depression. Another had not been admitted into their dream college which speaks to the college admissions story now.
This devastating action has become normalized which doesn't say much about us and whatever you do - avoid a religious route that says to tough it out or that God will take care of it. Not true.
2
The HMO Kaiser Permanente does not seem to make its patients with chronic heart disease wait numerous days, weeks, even months for an appointment with their cardiologists if the disease acts up. The same cannot be said, unfortunately (outrageously), when it comes to major depression and other life-threatening mental health disorders. The long waits for appointments, attenuated time for appointments, more or less random interchanging of clinicians (contra-indicated in psychotherapy and not great in psychiatry), and limiting the availability and frequency of 1:1 appointments and instead insisting on or tracking patients into group "treatment" appear, according to many, to be ways for Kaiser to effectively limit coverage for mental health. The law prohibits this kind of difference in insurance coverage but, in part because of the undue stigma around mental health difficulties and in part because of Kaiser's and others' requirement that patients and employees relinquish their rights to litigation and instead engage in binding arbitration, calling attention to, proving, and ending unlawful differences has been a challenge. A recent brief strike by some Kaiser mental health care providers tried to address some of the structural problems mentioned.
It would be interesting to read an investigative journalism series about the factors limiting patients' access to the good-quality and quantity (the latter often being part of the former) of coverage and care & how relate to suicide
4
When in a certain society/culture suicide goes up dramatically, you cannot claim to be concerned about suicide and then pay no attention to what happens in that culture or society at all.
Telling those people to do a little journaling (very helpful in certain cases indeed) doesn't tackle the very cause of the problem at all.
Suicidal people often suffer from very deep self-hatred. They hate themselves for not having achieved this or that in life, for having so many negative emotions, for not being happy, for being a burden to their loved ones because they are so unhappy, etc.
At the same time, our society doesn't cultivate the innate skills of self-love and self-compassion at all.
On the contrary, more than ever we tell people to identify with their achievements and possessions in life, on the one hand, all while passing one bill after the other that severely reduces opportunities to achieve and possess in the first place.
And WHO is passing those bills? The GOP.
Some mental health professionals today can at least offer some kind of help. And yet, what did the GOP do? Sabotage Obamacare which increases access to mental health.
Sooner or later, those still supporting the GOP, including Brooks, will HAVE to confront reality and take responsibility here.
Not supporting a president who claims not needing to be a "moral person" isn't enough, as it's the entire GOP that is at fault here.
Because truth matters. And morality too.
1
If you met me, you would never guess: I've always known that I will eventually die by suicide. I've thought about it every day for about 10 years. I've been honest about it with every therapist I've seen (including the one I see now) reassuring them that it won't be today and pledging to call them before I do. (Of course I will not.) I'm now nearly 70 and I could howl with mourning things I had wanted in my life that didn't happen for me and now, because of my age, never will. But I get up every day, go to work, chat and laugh with coworkers, go home at night, cuddle with my dog, go to bed and start the cycle the next day. On weekends, I see friends, chat and laugh. The psychiatrist in the comments aptly described it: "the pain and fatigue ... requires letting go." I will eventually die by suicide. If you met me, you would never guess.
1
@goldenstate
Well, that's the core of the problem, isn't it?
People go around with unbearable pain, and we are SO disconnected from each other (and often ourselves) that we don't even think about having real conversations about the things that matter most in life.
Our culture sees suicide as a sin (from a religious point of view) or a mental illness (from a professional help point of view), in other words, as something shameful, that you better not start talking about because IF you would, people's reactions would be such that you'd only end up being more rather than less disconnected from them.
So we bear our pain in silence, until something definitively breaks us.
We may be the wealthiest country on earth, when it comes to treating ourselves and others with real respect, so when it comes to our inner richness, we clearly still remain extremely poor.
Things do are changing today though, thanks to new neurological discoveries. We now know that NOBODY is "destined" to die by suicide, there is ALWAYS a solution.
As psychologist Jack Kornfield writes: people who want to kill themselves, RIGHTLY feel that SOMETHING inside them has to die. It's just that without proper help, they don't see how to get rid of that part without ending their life itself, as they ignore how to cultivate self-love and self-compassion. The good news, however, is that ANYBODY can learn to develop this skill, WITHOUT any exception. And it's also what allows to establish real connections.
Take care.
2
@Ana Luisa Congrats on getting all of your comments published here (usually they limit you to one). The US government, the ignorant medical and political community, and the media, are responsible for the thousands of suicides committed by people suffering chronic pain thanks to the NarcoNazis at the CDC and DEA. The Chinese and Mexican illicit fentanyl & heroin dealers are laughing all the way to the bank while the US government tortures its own citizens to death.
I have written 15 psychological autopsies, and have been involved in about 30 other investigations of completed suicide. I am not an expert, I just have some experience. This article has some good information, but let me make some suggestions: If you are concerned that someone is suicidal, overcome your resistance, embarrassment, or whatever that is holding you back, and ask them if they are thinking about ending their life or committing suicide. You don't have to be a doctor. Any response other than a flat "NO" is a yes. Then ask "Well if you were going to kill yourself, HOW would you do it?? Determine the METHOD, such as with a gun or overdosing. Don't ask why they are suicidal, that's a waste of time. Somebody else can deal with that later. Then if you can, take the method away from them. It's counter intuitive, but they almost always will not chose another method, usually they just stop. If they are drinking alcohol, stop that if you can. Alcohol is disinhibiting, and about 50% of completed suicides are done under the influence of alcohol. Drinking alcohol while suicidal is really, really bad, other drugs not so much. Then get professional help, take them to an Emergency Room, call 911, or something similar.
4
Perhaps if the Republicans had not cut all funding for mental health, health clinics, food stamps, and HUD, people might not feel the need to kill themselves. Inequality in the US is one of the main reasons for feeling hopeless and guns are easily available to complete the deed. People have simply lost hope.
3
Planes are crashing, people are being gunned down, Mr. Trump is being rebuffed by his own party senators, the elite are buying university admissions and any number of events are in the news.
Yet, Mr. Brooks, like a fiddling Nero, writes on such esoteric topics as fighting suicide, Stalin’s smartphone, Reparations, Impossibility of Medicare for All, Morality and Michael Cohen, …
It did not occur to him to write a column on Morality and Donald Trump.
He seems incapable of laying a glove on the incumbent occupant, other than backhanded velvet glove, if that.
7
Here’s a good way, Mr. Brooks: Get the government (DEA and CDC) out of my doctor’s office, and get your colleagues to do their homework on the “opioid crisis” (It is an illicit fentanyl and heroin “crisis” if you will) - I know it’s really boring reading the fine print in the CDC and DEA reports, but the truth is there, not in the press releases you find from these agencies in your email. If you in the media could point out that being forced by one’s government to suffer 24/7 pain is both a human rights violation and an excellent recipe for suicide, we’d be grateful.
4
Wow. Never once a mention of how economic anxiety (such a mild phrase) drives too many people too far in their desperation. If your not earning enough.... your fault! You should work harder, or more, or stop working and go into debt to get more education.
People just get tired and can't take it anymore.
7
David, we are both alumni of the University of Chicago, which has been a well-known suicide hot spot for decades. So I know you've seen suicide. Mental illness, just like many other illnesses, can be fatal, and this is how. Treatment for mental illness can really help - also like other illnesses. Our alma mater has gotten pretty good at dealing with this, because tragically they have so much experience with it.
The big thing we need to fight is isolation. Community, whether in a workplace, family, church, fraternity, sorority, or other club, is important for two reasons. The first is that the sense of belonging to a community can contain the urge to harm one's self. But that doesn't always work. The second is that it's the early warning system for mental illness. Fellow community members can often tell when something is wrong, before it becomes tragic.
However, mental illness can also be contagious, just like the flu. You discuss the deep despair of some relatives of suicide victims, and how it seems to run in some families. I have seen an entire group of people become mentally ill at once, as though it was caused by some virus like influenza. (Perhaps it actually was?)
Fellow readers, do one thing right now. Store this number in your cell phone: 1-800-273-8255, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. If you come across someone (could even be yourself) attempting to end their life, call that number for immediate help saving a life.
4
I was truly inspired by the story in the Sports section of the Times, about how college basketball star Markus Howard of Marquette University has openly faced his mental distress. It is recommended reading. And I will resist calling it "March Madness", as I cheer for Marquette in the tournaments.
2
My beautiful, brilliant, beloved son Jimmy. One year and five months ago. He was 26 years of age and took himself away after his first and only girlfriend and he had a falling-out. Within three hours he was gone, along a lonely highway south of Grand Teton National Park, with a State Patrol cruiser parked behind him, having just pulled him over at 1 a.m. after a panicked call from his two best friends. He had left a short note on his bed, alongside his mobile phone.
He was loved and admired by everyone. He was so smart, his friends called him "walking Google". He was handsome, strong, healthy, college educated, and working in his beloved Rocky Mountains. To his father and me, he gave no single clue that he was struggling. To his father and me, he put on his best face and was always "himself" at our house. We didn't have a clue. And like the clap of a lightning bolt, the loss of our firstborn son hit us. I don't know how we'll ever recover. I still have two sons, his precious younger brothers and I thank God for them.
13
Helpful opinion piece.
I wish there was more than just a cursory mention of the role of guns in suicide.
The situation is made worse by the current administration’s efforts to prevent physicians from even questioning whether there are weapons at a patient’s home.
3
While there is nothing wrong with the suggestions David Brooks makes here, I have to agree with those who feel that by ignoring the problem of insufficient access to professional care, he omits an important part of addressing suicide. Mental health is probably the least attended to of all health needs. Every American should be able to seek quality professional health care without risking financial ruin. Improving mental health care should be given the same attention we give to improving other medical care.
9
Suicide experts recommend against using the word “commit”. It implies crime, sin, or wrongdoing. As Susan Beaton said,
“Suicide is not a sin and is no longer a crime, so we should stop saying that people ‘commit’ suicide. We now live in a time when we seek to understand people who experience suicidal ideation, behaviours and attempts, and to treat them with compassion rather than condemn them.”
3
@Julia
Very well said.
We as a society urgently need to adopt certain principles, IF we want to go the suicide rate go down again:
1. NOBODY should be asked to live with unbearable pain. If you're in unbearable pain (and you alone can know whether it is unbearable or not), then ending your life IS a way of honoring LIFE and of truly caring for yourself. So there's absolutely nothing wrong with you for wanting to end your life, on the contrary, it only proofs how much you really care about life - a real, human life, lived with dignity, that is.
2. That you are feeling unbearable pain is NOT your fault. You did NOT ask for this, and "did not build that". That people in your environment don't feel the same thing, and even tell you that they love you "so much" etc. does not mean that you SHOULD be happy and not feeling this horrible pain. If you feel it, there's a reason for it. The only relevant question here is to find what caused it and see whether that cause can be find and whether other people already discovered a way to learn to deal with it, and if yes, whether they can teach you how to do so too.
3. The good news is that neurological studies have shown that those people indeed exist, although they're still quite rare. But that means that there now IS a second option to get rid of the pain and live a meaningful life, and that is trying to find those people. Some names: Kristin Neff, Bob Stahl, Jack Kornfield, Tara Brach, Mark Williams, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Sharon Salzberg.
2
I understand that the family and friends of one who has ended life on their own terms struggle to make sense of the actions of thier loved one but I can't help but wonder if they expended equal thought while they lived. Most people don't want to talk about or even think about death, their own or anyone else's. Not all suicides can or should be prevented. Why should we as a society decide when it is appropriate for another to die?
3
If someone told me that, I would tell them that when I felt that way seeing a therapist really helped. I would not try to be a therapist. A suicidal person needs to work with a trained professional. Unfortunately, we don't take mental health very seriously in this country, and it can be next to impossible to see a therapist if you don't have money or insurance. Even when you do, you might wait weeks or months. Another artifact of a society that has decided that illness can't be treated unless an insurance company's cash register rings.
3
@Mark Very well said and you are right, it takes months to get an appointment for professional help.
2
The preponderance and easy availability of guns promotes suicide. And of course once a person shoots himself in the head, there's no going back; an impulsive death wish could possibly have been ameliorated if the gun had not been present.
3
Just to note to interested people: there is a short, relevant article in today's ( 3/15) NYT, "Mental Illness Isn’t All in Your Head."
The writer, Lisa Pryor, gets behind diagnoses into "formulations" providing insight into the problems afflicting those with mental illness, noting:
"The brain exists within a human body, which in turn exists within a family, a culture, a society, an economy. When factors outside the brain contribute to mental illness, then the solutions to those problems may also exist outside the brain."
It is so relevant to Brooks topic, I wonder if the editors collaborated on the topic.
2
The "formulations" are exactly what professional social work has been saying for more than a hundred years. Biopsychosocial ecologies need biopsychosocial assessments and, when there are difficulties, appropriate and often multi-dimensional responses.
3
I'd advise any person suffering from so much unbearable pain and self-hatred that the only option to still cultivate self-care and honor yourself as a human being worthy of a life without pain, is to end your own life, to try to read, if possible, the following books:
1. "Lost connections" by Johann Hari (NYT bestseller).
It shows how most of our theories about depression are wrong, and how in order to thrive as human beings, we need certain connections with other people. So no, it's not happening "in your head", as Lisa Pryor wrote in her op-ed about mental illness in the NYT today. Human beings happen to need a certain social environment to thrive. Or as Antonin Artaud wrote about Van Gogh: "le suicidé de la société", he who was made to kill himself by society. Fortunately, that also means that there IS another option to sooth and then entirely take away the pain, than to have to kill yourself, as Hari shows.
2. "When food is comfort", by Julie M. Simon. Although applied to eating disorders, the book essentially shows how in order to thrive, we all need to cultivate 7 self-care skills. Doing so creates new brain networks between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex, and those networks then produce the chemicals needed to feel happy and okay.
3. "Real love. The art of mindful connection" by Sharon Salzburg. It shows how love is a skill, which we can develop through certain trainings - trainings that unfortunately our culture tends to completely ignore, at home/school.
We have had 2 suicides by gun (both males in 60s) in our family and 2 attempted suicides (females in 30s, by drugs). Except for suicides for release from painful and incurable illness, the saddest thing is that when you kill yourself in the down time, you will miss the up time when things improve. Should you be suicidal, call Crisis Line which is available 24-7 in most communities. Anonymously (if you wish) talking with a caring person can lift your spirits and help you see the light in the dark tunnel of despair.
2
But for some people, mood and/or anxiety disorders or psychotic disorders ARE extremely painful diseases/conditions that can feel incurable (and, sadly, for a few, it may seem the illness is as yet incurable) -- that is precisely the problem.
Hold on out there. There ARE people who understand, and who want you around, and it is true that it won't always feel this bad. Hold on to even the tiniest piece of light, and do whatever you can to reach out...
(Here is a resource, just in case - 1-800-273-8255)
1
" I said, ‘Gosh darn it, Harrison, didn’t you know how much I loved you!’"
With all respect, imho this is where we as a culture go wrong.
Having witnessed a dysfunctional family firsthand, I have seen and know that my parents in fact loved each other "so much". And that they love their children so much. Those are true, authentic feelings, which have to be honored.
The problem with "quantifying" love, however, is double:
1. If your mother/partner, ...loves you SO much, and of course you love her too, then the question often becomes: do you love her back "as much"? And for people with suicidal thoughts, having such thoughts and suffering from constant, unbearable pain (which goes much further than temporary mood, contrary to what Brooker writes here) often means that they do NOT love the other enough, or as much as she "deserves", simply because SHE loves you "so much". So hearing that close relatives love you so much often only makes things worse, makes you feel even less worthy of their love (if they love you, you SHOULD be okay and be happy etc.).
2. "love" is a notion that has many different meanings. It can refer to many different qualities. In our culture, people are often so stressed out or focused on doing things, making ends meet etc., that they never learned what REAL love is. It means giving your full attention to someone's emotions. Without that, love rings hollow (see Sh. Salzberg, "Real love. The art of mindful connection"). Only then can people blossom.
1
I suffered from severe suicidal depression for 20 years. As you note, the causes and remedies are complex and differ for each individual. For me, the causes were growing up in an alcoholic family, traumatic life experiences, despair over the state of the world, and inherited brain chemistry. I had no money for therapy and was an isolated young mother with inadequate support.
I reached a point in my 40's where I decided I either had to fix myself or do the deed and stop the pain. I fervently studied world religions and psychotherapies, searching for truth and a way to heal myself. What finally turned the tide was my (free) studies of cognitive therapy and Buddhist principles, which helped me understand the relationship between my higher consciousness, my erroneous thought patterns and desperate emotions, and the power of mental self-discipline. Through a long and rigorous process of internal thought-monitoring and thought-correction, I eventually overcame my demons and stabilized my mind. The book Feeling Good laid out clear and doable thought- monitoring strategies, and the writings of Thich Nhat Hanh made Buddhist principles accessible.
1
@aldercones
When I was 18, I wanted to become a psychiatrist. The fact that there was NO course in psychotherapy included in the training at all, but only courses in psychopharmacology, made me turn to psychology instead. But there ... I found so many different and often mutually contradicting psychotherapeutic theories, with none of them being scientifically proven at all, that I decided to leave the field of professional psychotherapy altogether, until I would find something that is scientifically solid.
Today, I know I finally found it. And indeed, it comes down to Buddhist psychology, as proven by more than a decade of neurological studies now.
The good news is that just like Western psychology in a way is closely linked to Christian anthropology and ethics, without being "religious" in itself, so is Buddhist psychology. You don't have to become a Buddhist or religious person AT ALL to start training in neurologically proven self-care techniques. You just have to do the training (given by psychologists such as Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach, for instance, who are trained in both Buddhist psychology and are outstanding experts in meditation themselves, and in Western psychology and a totally secular approach to "mental illness").
See also Mark Williams, "The mindful way through depression", Kristin Neff's "Self-compassion", Bob Stahl's "Calming the rush of panic", or Jack Kornfield's "The Wise heart".
Thanks for your comment and take care.
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A timely article in this age of despair. Mr. Brooks offers the right things, the right words, the comforting actions. I can only think that the people who lose their struggle with pain and despair didn't have someone who asked them how they were doing, are you ok? We need to pay attention to those in our lives and even those on the periphery. Our lose of community to the smart phone means more isolation. We need to keep connecting to each other on closer levels than the digital tweetosphere provides.
1
My brother was suicidal in his 20s, and said he stopped because it would cause his family too much grief. He still has problems, bur has a caring family.
That is true: every family grieves every suicide and wished they could have intervened. As an Emergency Physician, I used this message with suicidal patients, who were usually locked in safe rooms until they felt more hopeful. Time is the best cure and preventive.
2
Yes. And suicide is often impulsive when it happens. I survived and I am glad to have made it to 67. My son survived over a yr. ago, seemed bemused that he'd survived. He didn't last September at almost 33 yrs.. Bipolar, ptsd, and personal/legal issues combined finally pushed him over. I'm not angry with him. I understand, but, I do so regret that I didn't see it coming. You can't sit with them 24/7. I know that. He WAS under professional care. It does happen and for parents it is the worst kind of loss. Yes, you do feel flat and empty and directionless. You do need a place to pour that love and nurturing some spot in community is a good place to start.
4
Why would a person admit to suicidal thoughts when any possible reaction such as a visit to a psycho ward afterward or psychiatric help brings with it it's own shame and unwanted scrutiny by those who have never gone through the desire to escape one's pain that way? It is far more complicated in dealing with the aftermath as it is with the pre-stage.
4
@Rodrian Roadeye Yes. Brooks et al. underestimate the way panic overtakes compassion when someone hears that a friend or relative feels suicidal. The aftermath will include a possibly irreparable loss of trust.
2
@J. Denever agree. I think cruelty overtakes compassion in response to suicidal thoughts - the poor person experiencing them is bludgeoned over the head with platitudes about how their suicide will harm other's in their lives - instead of focusing on the person in pain, the focus shifts, in a cruel way - to everyone else who has to live with the aftermath.
I would never tell anyone either.
3
@Rodrian Roadeye
And then we're not even talking yet about how you'll be treated by those psychiatrists in the first place.
Many of them today adhere to totally unproven (at best) and often wrong theories about suicide, which instead of truly solving the problem only make things worse.
Part of those falsehoods: the idea that suicide has nothing to do with something fundamental lacking in your life in order to be able to survive, but is merely an "illness" produced by an organ in your body (the brain).
As a consequence, they start putting tons of drugs in your body, which only makes you feel even more disconnected, SO disconnected that you don't even remember anymore who you are and what your emotions and emotional needs are.
At best, that allows you to go back to work, and "function appropriately" in our capitalist, unhealthy society. The price to pay, however, was to be forever disconnected from your true, authentic self.
Of course, some psychiatrists are exceptions here. But there aren't a lot of them.
The main problem is that well-intentioned people tend to want to help by somehow reducing your awareness of deep, unbearable pain. They have NO idea whatsoever, though, about what to build and cultivate instead of that pain. They ignore what real self-love means and how to build the corresponding brain networks, they ignore how to deeply connect with yourself, because our culture doesn't teach this. So their advice often makes things only worse ...
3
Even though we live in a super connected social network society , solitude and silence are pervading the lives of these young people .
Perhaps not being able to reach out and touch someone with an embrace, a hug or a kiss , makes us physically removed from one of the biggest joy in life ,direct human contact .
We have become a society of socially allergic people , where warm behavior, openness to the others and spontaneity have been banned from our daily lives .
Our cutaneous mantel is the largest organ of our body and , when properly stimulated, sends positive signals to our cortex that reacts with a well being feeling .
We have to go back to such loving behavior.
Perhaps we are living in a society where “ having is more important than being “ , we are escaping from our inner world to one that demands too much from us .
I feel so sorry for all these families going through such an insurmountable loss .
1
Please, Mr. Brooks. Suicide is the result of a mental illness, inadequately addressed. It is a behavioral manifestation of a physical disease that to date has been incurable. It is the result of a physical disease that is no less a physical disease than cancer or diabetes or heart disease. Would you imagine that journaling would save those suffering from those diseases,, or a support group? Please! It might make them feel less isolated - certainly a worthy idea - but it would not save them any more than they would ultimately save one suffering from mental illness. It's time we attacked mental diseases as hard and as they are attacking us.
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@rtroth
There is NO scientific proof for that hypothesis.
Read "Lost connections" by Johann Hari and you'll see.
Since the West has decided to medicalize strong and persistent negative emotions and thoughts, suicide went up tremendously.
That (and many other things) indicate that a human brain is an organ that in many crucial respects is totally different from a heart or lung.
The main difference is "neuroplasticity": the fact that new brain cells are born until your very last day on earth, and the fact that what we DO with our body and mind, constantly reinforces existing or creates new (if we do new things) brain networks.
And as many neurological studies have shown today, in order to thrive as a human being, you need a happy brain and body. And in order to obtain that happy brain and body, you need to develop VERY specific brain networks (basically those between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala).
HOW do you develop those networks? By having other people around you how show and teach you how to do so.
What do you have to do to develop them? You have to daily practice what for instance Julie Simon calls 7 "self-care" tools.
If you're EXTREMELY lucky, you were born in the West with a mother who already had the chance to have been taught this, and then you'll automatically copy-paste it, even already as a baby.
Our culture, however, does not prioritize self-compassion and self-love, so most of us have to find it elsewhere. Drugs don't develop brain networks.
I think that Brooks misses an important limit on helping others get past their psychological challenges. Even after patients receive help and consciously understand what is likely causing their problems, they do not act to correct them. It drives a lot of therapists to feel helpless about helping them. For those dealing with suicidal individuals it’s terrifying.
Wanna fight American suicide? Get a compassionate, non-violent national religion. Christianity as practiced doesn't cut it. The great majority of our nations Christians (white Christians) vote for the proliferation of weapons and the continuance of high suicide rates in the U.S.
The Christians also (in their solid support of the GOP) also support the waring of the GOP, the militancy that has killed millions recently from S.E.Asia to the Middle East. In the process, thousands of American, spouses and siblings have died - causing distress among survivors.
Who could be more responsible for the fact that America incarcerates more people than any other country - even more than China with four times our population? Who could be more responsible for than than our self-righteous, finger-pointing Christians.
American Christianity is not compassionate. It is fascistic. Try to imagine the tremendous contribution American Christianity has made to the 'dog-eat-dog" America we now live in. Brought to us by REPUBLICANISM.
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@Tracy Rupp we don't have a national religion. Why do you want one?
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[Last week, I was cleaning out the attic of the home David Brooks lived in when he was a young struggling wanna-be Relatable Moderate Conservative, and I found an old notebook. Most of the pages were filled with delicatessen menu definitions, but the final page was titled "My Theory of Column Writing." Scribbled in the margins was the mantra: "I will follow these rules & people will think I'm moderate and relatable.")
The Theory follows:]
D.B., my boy, you need to describe a Problem and Solution. Describing a problem is simple. U. of Iowa stuff. The solution is key!!
The Solution consists of a Solution Magic Formula and an Unspoken Assumption.
The Solution Magic Formula: groups of people in the same neighborhood working together will solve the problem. [3/15/19 column: "keeping folks alive is a collective task"]
The Unspoken Assumption: Government is never part of the solution. I've gotta enlighten the unwashed masses about this. [Suicide is "highly preventable" and "a guns problem" but government policy is never mentioned.]
D.B. lad, assumptions must always be stated as fact with no evidence. People can't argue against something I didn't say. Likewise, assumptions must always be unspoken. If I say it explicitly (like a sap!) I will not be considered "moderate." Ironically, it is only in my judicious witholding of direct opinion that I can establish my market value for those same unspoken opinions.
I will follow the plan. I'm gonna be rich!!
[signed] D.B. Playa
1
I appreciate the sincere effort but many of us, including many politicians, artists, and others as in Winston Churchill and his black dog have felt this life is a vale of tears.
Trauma, trauma, and trauma. Many do not speak or are even able to formulate thoughts into words. Many of the sex abuse victims of the church scandals have chosen to leave life.
There are layers of trauma sir. Housing, environment, economics, education , materialism, racism, militarism, sometimesthere are real straws that break the camel’s back.
I would request that one highlights theaudcious possibility of hope like Greta’s walk out day instead of treading into a subject area you have no professional education or certification.
Latest well researched efforts tend to consider the chemical imbalance theory as wrong and the idea of trauma as the best way to understand extreme frustration with life.
Interview the trauma experts and let them highlight their expertise. Our nation and world needs THEIR wisdom.
1
I call suicide “The Gift that keeps on giving.”
I know from personal experience how suicide affects those left behind.
The anguish is forever.
For those of you contemplating suicide, I beg of you to reconsider your intention and seek help.
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The blood of a suicide splashes back on the family. I don’t know where I read that but experience tells me it is true.
@Nancy why are you shifting this onto the person who is suffering? This is beyond cruel.
Would you tell someone suffering from cancer that he better get well or else the family is going to suffer "anguish forever" if he dies?
1
@Nancy
It's precisely constant and persistent, unbearable anguish that makes people want to end their life in the first place.
That people in your surroundings start to become anguished too, once you try to end your life, is understandable, but just part of one and the same problem: our inability, as a culture, to efficiently cope with anxiety and self-hatred (and the many ways that our culture actively induces those emotions).
And yes, there ARE proven ways to get rid of crippling anxiety, so no, you do NOT have to live with anguish "forever" (see for instance Bob Stahl's "Calming the rush of panic"). But the West only discovered these tools very recently, so most psychologists and psychiatrists can't do anything yet (which is probably why you imagine that anguish necessarily HAS to be "forever"), and then just try to give you drugs that reduce your overall awareness of emotions, thereby cutting you off from your deepest self, whereas disconnection with that deepest self is often what creates persistent anxiety and self-hatred in the first place.
Conclusion: please don't increase people with suicidal thoughts's feeling of guilt by telling them to "reconsider" for the sake of their relatives. This kind of guilt is precisely what motivates them to end their life in the first place. Instead, seek help YOURSELF, read about "mindful parenting" (if your child is suicidal), start a course in self-compassion (e.g. self-compassion.org) etc. THAT will be much more effective.
Three weeks ago I headed out into the deep forest of redwood trees that is my backyard. It was cold and raining. The forest goes on for miles on the steep north facing slopes of the Big Sur coastal range. I went out to kill myself. I could not go through with it because of the pain I would cause my spouse, family and friends. I came close, as close as I have ever been. And I have stood on that edge many times before. I wish I could have done it, but this damn empathy I have for others.
There are popular phrases like "suicide it a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I have suffered with severe depression for 50 years, I am 57. That is not temporary.
The pain of depression is very real, it is physical. And often people cite a life event as the cause of suicide, thus the concept of temporary. Reality for me is that I have wanted to be gone more than I have wanted to be alive for most of my life.
If you look at me from the outside, you would say "he has everything to live for." But what you can not see is the constant pain, the hopelessness that it will ever get better, the way it takes over and leaves me paralyzed.
And the cheerful advise I receive from others has never helped. It is at times insulting. Would you tell a cancer patient to just think positively and your cancer will disappear?
I began therapy two weeks ago, the therapist is good. Do I have hope, not yet. Hope cut down is one of my suicide triggers.
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@bigsurscott exactly. And would all the life demanders tell the person with cancer that they better get better or else their family will suffer forever once he dies? Of course not!
But the suicidal person will be told that his act of selfishness will cause the family pain. SO buck up - his pain is temporary. Yeah, right.
The response to suicidal thought is oftentimes sheer cruelty. The focus immediately shifts from the suffer to the "family members who will suffer".
Disgusting.
1
Golly, gosh, David sure can serve up useless bromides to put a bandaid on cancer. Suicides are blaring feedback from a systemic breakdown that has led to hopelessness and despare. And it has everything to do with public policy that marginalized the poor, unskilled, and young in favor of the wealthy and their anti tax ideology that leaves the rest of society to grovel for scraps. You know them- the union busting politicians doing the work of their rich puppet masters. You know them- the ones who scream at the idea of free college for the poor and child care for single,working mothers. You know them-the oil and coal Barron's who buy their politicians and feed them ALEC designed legislation to kill renewable energy, collective bargaining, and a livable minimum wage. You know them-the ones who fund so called think tanks to subvert any idea that might benefit humanity at the expense of the kleptocracy. You know them-by their mouthpieces like David Brooks who has for years championed their cause from underneath an intellectual sheepskin. Just look at what he wrote today--a substanceless piece of drivel that will accomplish not one thing to help us get to a better place.
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I hate my life. As long as I can remember, I've always hated my life.
Since I was four, not a day has gone by when I haven't contemplated killing myself. At the same time, I see suicide for a historically insignificant person like me as merely a further sign of my profound failure as a human being. Plus, procrastination can sometimes be a strength. What's the best method? When to do it? So, in my sixties, I'm still going. Grinding out every day, one day at a time.
Suicide is not a modern phenomenon. Nor is it uniquely American. Yet Brooks writes as it it were.
Defeated and humiliated Roman generals fell on their sword. Perhaps the greatest foe of Rome, the Carthaginian Hannibal, doughty warrior that he was, killed himself to avoid the humiliation of a Roman Triumph. As did Cleopatra.
Japanese daimyos committed sappuku. This was a demanding and excruciatingly painful way of death, one beyond the ken of most Americans in 2019.
I don't endorse self-killing generally. But sometimes, for the likes of Hannibal, it may be the only realistic option.
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@Colenso
The examples you're giving come from cultures that deeply honor and celebrate suicide. They see it as a sign of moral strength, and even a social obligation in order to keep your reputation in society, in certain circumstances.
Today's Western culture dropped that conception of suicide long ago, and cultivates the opposite idea: that suicide means being a failure, being weak. It is something shameful, even a "sin" from a Christian point of view. Medicalizing it tried to at least take away part of the shame, by now proposing to conceive of it as an "illness". And yet, suicide rates are going up dramatically, year after year.
Studies have also already shown that in for instance contemporary, traditional African societies, depression and suicide are almost absent (whereas psychosis is much more present than in today's Western societies).
So Brooks is right to point out that there IS a crucial cultural factor at play here.
And one of key notions in today's Western culture is precisely self-blaming, self-criticism and self-hatred - all things that traditional Asian cultures can't even IMAGINE, as the Dalai Lama recently said.
It turns out, neurology today shows, that loving yourself (and you life) is a SKILL. A skill that has to be trained. If not, as the brain has an innate "negativity bias", self-hatred becomes our default mode of being. And today's Western culture doesn't teach the many existing self-compassion tools at all ...
Info: see self-compassion.org.
Thanks for the link, Ana. I'm familiar with the concept of Buddhist self-compassion from my studies of Zen Buddhism.
All my life, i've followed bushido, the way of the warrior. From boyhood, I've studied and practised budo. In most ways, i am the quintessential warrior, steeped in the warrior code of honour, the moral imperative to go into battle for what one believes, to go to the aid of the weak, to strive at all times to defeat the forces of evil, together with magnanimity towards one's defeated foe.
Kristin Neff has taken the Buddhist concept of self-compassion, has tried to developed a self-compassion index for use in western psychology, and then with Chris Germer written a book about it. Neff also makes a living from the workshops on self-compassion that she presents.
I'm not convinced by the peer reviewed studies about self-compassion I've read that Neff's version works in a western society as it does in a traditional eastern society based on Zen Buddhist precepts, for example as in pre-modern feudal Japan. To me, self-compassion, divorced from bushido, the way of the warrior, is meaningless.
Last, there remains an important distinction between the warrior and the life he or she leads. Even the greatest of warriors may not at all times live the greatest of lives. Self-awareness requires that one recognises this. If the life of the defeated warrior becomes so unsatisfactory, so intolerable, so humiliating in captivity, then sepukku may be the only solution.
2
“People contemplating suicide are often in the grips of a temporary mood catastrophe, to which they unfortunately see a permanent solution. The pain is real but not forever.” My ex-husband, who was my best friend, lived most of his life with an underlying layer of pain and desolation that varied in its intensity and presence, until he finally ended his struggle four years ago. No amount of therapy, medication, trying to convince him that he was loved and valued, made a difference in the long run. In the aftermath of his suicide, his computer revealed two very striking things: numerous searches for ways to end his life, with forums about how to do it with minimal mess to your loved ones. And articles and motivational sites for how to live a better, more peaceful life.
His death shattered all who loved him; I blamed myself for not doing more, for letting his years of depression wear me down. I couldn’t silence his “compulsive voice.” Intellectually, and with years of therapy, I know that I had no control over his depression. But emotionally, in my grief, I picture a different outcome, one where love and support where enough to outweigh his choice of suicide. Thank you, David Brooks, for writing this. I will say my loved ones name: Kevin
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My father shot himself in the head at 86. He wasn't actively dying at the time; he had a loving family, was financially secure, still cognitively intact, with great longevity in his genes. But he was struggling with loss of mobility and some chronic pain (due to a botched surgery). Although surprised by his suicide, my family strongly supports his decision; they see it as an elder's "right to die". Yet if a young family member had done the same (killed themselves after a problematic surgery) they'd be horrified.
I think many people (such as my family) don't distinguish between the suicide of an actively dying elder vs. suicide by a an older, but not yet dying, person. Implicit messages are (a) the elderly can't be helped or adapt, it's okay to give up at a certain age, an old life doesn't have the same value as a young life, and (b) we shouldn't have to tolerate life when it no longer takes place on our terms.
My siblings occasionally comment on how they too will kill themselves when life stops being fun. My sister says she'll walk into the ocean and not turn back. I say, if you're still able to walk in the ocean you'll probably want to turn back.
Perhaps part of the problem with rising suicide rates is a culture that imagines as honorable and exhorts as a right elderly people killing themselves, specifically those not yet within the process of dying. Does such thinking send a message: if an old person has the right to die, shouldn't we all have that "right"?
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@Caroline almost everyone I know age 60 and above has some sort of life ending plan. We talk about it casually. I even have a friend who has a stash of meds - she said she won't go through cancer again.
And most old people say they would rather die than be placed in a nursing home.
So yes, suicide talk is an everyday thing for older people. No one admonishes us!
1
@Mary - Yes, Mary, I'm well aware that many middle-aged + people talk about life ending plans. I've heard multiple friends and family "casually" talk of how they'll kill themselves at the time of their choosing. Then, when death actually approaches, many change their perspective; life, even a dramatically more limited one, suddenly becomes precious. The overwhelming majority of very sick or old people I've known did not opt for their well laid suicide plan but instead fought vigorously to live. So my point was: what does so much "casual" talk of suicide, specifically among people who are not yet very old or actually dying, do for a culture? Does it devalue life to the point where even not old and not dying people think it's a good option?
Our adult daughter took her life almost 5 years ago. Although we have accepted that she is gone the pain never goes away. She was an adult and had attempted suicide several times previously...going back to when she was 15. She was Vietnamese and adopted when she was 8 months old. So many unknowns which will always be unanswered. She was and will forever be loved.
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You fail to mention the most critical cause of suicide - illness, one that currently has no cure. Your article may address a few symptoms, but not the cause. Worse, I believe it perpetuates the myth that we are in control; we are not. We may save someone once and then not the next time - because until they are cured, there can very well be a next time. Even worse, it can make a parent who lost a child, such as myself, believe that there was something more I could have done or that I could have saved my son. If only that were true and I knew it then. There was not. Your efforts would be better spent writing about the scourge that is mental illness, the root cause, for which a cure seems currently to be illusive and desperately inadequately addressed.
1
Or how about we build a society and a nation that offers hope and the promise of opportunity to the many rather than to the wealthy, well-connected few? I think that would move the needle in a positive direction for a litany of diseases of despair. We just need the collective will to make it happen.
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I’ve never agreed more with a comment.
1
"...only contemplating suicide because he thinks it is the only way to get out of the pain."
There is another reason people think of suicide; quite unrelated to what we think of as "pain".
Uselessness. "There is no point to my existence; no one wants me, no one needs me- I contribute nothing to the world, or my family... and never will. I'm just in the way. A burden on everyone."
That is a thought train common to many, and powerfully pushes the person in the direction of suicide. "At least I can stop being a burden."
Finding ways to specifically counteract the feelings of uselessness, being a burden, can help redirect the person's thoughts and emotions.
This direction should be added to every suicide prevention worker's list of things to try.
4
Our next president better have HOPE central to their platform, backed up with strategies. The surge in suicides (and drug addiction) is tied (in some part/all) to a sense of hopelessness. Social fragmentation due to social media, environmental doom caused by climate change, and the realization that our country has so much hate at its core, not to mention unimpeded corruption at the highest levels of our economy and government. Trump Undermines R Democracy (and squashes hope). Our next president needs a big plan: Nature Corps, for example, where young people can feel they contribute to a better future.
My sister-in-law's brother was diagnosed with early onset dementia at age 60. As he declined mentally, his wife put a GPS on his vehicle in case he got lost. One evening he "went to the store" but didn't return. The police were already at his vehicle when she arrived. I greatly appreciate him for not telling anyone; we would have felt obligated to try to intervene. But he made the right decision when he ended his life. Of that there is no doubt. We never want it to affect us. But sometimes suicide is the right choice.
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While this is a good article, the one thing that was left out is that fully 10% of suicides occur in people with untreated chronic pain. Because of the uneducated and naïve manner in which we have handled the opioid crisis, innocent people are being forced to suffer unnecessarily. Tragically, some suffer so intensely that suicide is their only option. The ONLY resolution to this is for doctors, hospitals, and legislators to start recognizing the danger in making opioids effectively unavailable. The CDC and AMA recognize this issue. The CDC is reviewing its guidelines for opioid prescribing and has made it abundantly clear that they are voluntary and that NO doctor will be penalized for prescribing effective dosages of opioid medication to patients who require them to survive. And all of the research points to the FACT that only a tiny subset of chronic pain sufferers become addicted to opioids. We can easily PREVENT 10% of all suicides by starting to use our heads when it comes to opioids.
1
Think about what makes a person's life worthwhile. Then think about what is missing in so many lives today. People don't kill themselves for no reason. They don't become depressed for no reason. They usually aren't angry for no reason. If a person can't find a job but they keep on trying and get no results how does that make them feel? When we're told that we're not worth hiring no matter what our experience is are we supposed to cheer at being involuntarily retired?
When we force people to demean themselves to get welfare of any sort what are we telling them? When we let children be abused despite the evidence that they and their families need help what are we telling children? When the highest elected official in our country continually makes derogatory statements about others what does that say about American society?
America is not a kind country. America does not reward hard work, honesty, integrity, or decency. We tell people how worthless they are if they cannot work or find a job. We refuse to do things to make health care readily accessible for all regardless of income. Our elected officials don't work for us. They work for businesses, some of whom commit crimes and get away with it.
Our country deliberately neglects people in need of help. We prefer to jail the homeless, leave them in poverty, or worse. We don't believe in human rights unless the person is rich. Human rights in America are a joke just like they were in Soviet Russia.
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@hen3ry I had suicidal thoughts in my younger years. I had a great job, health, and everything. It was not external circumstances, nor lack of help, or lack of anything. I eventually outgrew the thoughts.
1
There's so much to say, but thank you for writing about this. I really appreciate this. One helpful item for the suicide is this: for young adults and teenagers, I wish that we could pass national gun safety regulations to make it harder to use a gun to commit suicide. Thank you.
2
I support efforts to discourage suicide among the relatively young and healthy, and my heart goes out to all the readers who have described their own experiences with suicidal urges or the suicide of loved ones. Yet I also support the right to physician assisted suicide, as guaranteed now in five or six states, for those confirmed by two doctors to be within six months of death. In fact, I also support the right to obtain and consume a lethal dose for those who reach a certain age, e.g., 75 or 80.
The law of abortion (another very serious decision yet, within limitations, a constitutionally protected right) provides a loose parallel. The Supreme Court has held that a woman seeking an abortion can be forced to wait a day before obtaining it, in the meantime viewing materials designed to ensure she has thought the decision through and is aware of any resources available to those who decide against abortion. Likewise, one who reaches a certain age should be able to request a lethal dose and, following a second request a week or two later, obtain it.
If a woman has a right (as I think she should) to end the life of her fetus after waiting only a day beyond her first request, on what basis can we deny an elderly person the right to end his own life after a couple of weeks (and indeed, likely years) of contemplation? The latter, I submit, is just as fundamental a liberty as the former, if not more so.
4
How about we stop valuing only youth instead of expecting people who are 75 or 80 to kill themselves. We already treat the elderly as if they don’t exist . Other cultures place great value on older generations. They would be appalled at the idea of a suggestion of suicide only because grandma is over 75. And aging is so individual. Many 75 year olds are living fuller healthier happier lives than those 20 or 30 years younger. I wonder if you will propose this when you are 70..
3
One friend, transgender, took her life almost 8 years ago, just before the conversation included people like her. Though accomplished (Phd), charming and kind, she couldn't find employment or love and lost hope. Kind neighbors couldn't help.
Another friend, an alcoholic, lost hope after many years of battling it. Kind neighbors couldn't help.
Lots of older people I know are hopeless about their chances for employment and the brutal nature of our society, including its politics, business, etc. Kind neighbors can only help so much.
Health care (not merely access), addiction help on demand, jobs for people of all ages who want and need them, and a government that cares about people before profits and tax cuts would help. I wish Mr. Brooks would talk more about that and how a Republican can help make this kind of world happen when everything Republicans stand for make living in today's US a place of despair.
2
@Pontifikate I have been saying, for years, that if this country wanted to seriously address the opioid epidemic they would address: Jobs that paid a living wage and offered security, healthcare, childcare for working parents, and expansion of social security that would make disability benefits easier to obtain.
5
The problem of humans committing suicide?
This is one of the essential philosophical questions. While suicide does not appear confined to the human species, that humans have consciousness, language, a higher intelligence makes the spiral of descent into such explicit, and a peculiarity of consciousness is that if it can give, explain, communicate to others reasons to live it can also give reasons to die.
The human race however, seems much more partial to hearing reasons to live over reasons to die, so much more so that not only do we refuse to hear a person, let a person speak for him or herself, the more the person feels the need to communicate reasons to die, we have to wonder if we really have a solid foundation of reasons to live when so many continue to take their lives not to mention when we refuse to hear them.
In fact can we really build a secure foundation of reasons to live without also clearly setting out all the reasons to die, all the conditions and circumstances and subjective states which might lead to suicide in the individual not to mention spiral of descent in an entire society? The human race for all consciousness appears a crepuscular organism, precisely for not embracing the night knowing really nothing of the day.
All the extreme states of human being, whether great accomplishment or great sorrow to point of suicide are usually explained away by the average, the average must have last voice in all concerns. But this is neither to live nor to die.
@Daniel12 exactly. I think of suicide as a philosophical issue, not a medical one if mental health issues are ruled out.
In another life, I was an active member of a mainline Protestant church. My wife and I participated in a 'small group ministry' that met regularly to read a book, eat snacks and share. One member, an elementary school teacher - 2nd or 3rd grade, I forget, in sharing one evening was so critical of a father of one of her students who had recently committed suicide.
"How could he do that? He has young children." She said.
I was speechless. I commented that she had no idea what he was dealing with and yes it is tragic but until you are in those shoes you have no idea how people are struggling and to what ends they are capable. It is more than depressing.
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I appreciate the good intentions of this column and the urgency and importance of the issue of suicide. Any efforts to bring attention to this are welcome . I'm concerned though at the emphasis on recommending counseling efforts by friends and family ("Get them to talk about their pain... Ask them to journal... Over time most of them will see that there is a compulsive voice in their head....)" rather than on encouraging and supporting getting professional evaluation and treatment. Friends and family can help sufferers identify resources, make it easier to get into see mental health providers or their family physician by helping to make calls or transport them, and offer to go with them and provide support. Trying to manage a suicidal crisis for most people is like trying to bandage a hemorrhage without adequate training or support. First aid is important but not sufficient. Getting people into the right kind of care is crucial .
1
Sometimes it seems that David Brooks is quite late to become aware of the suffering of others. But it is beautiful to watch him splutter out of his drowsiness and there are always individuals who have inspired him. Whom he acknowledges. Here it's Agnes McKeen. I believe that it's not just social isolation but other unnamed culprits in the rise of suicides: the Don't Fear the Reaper sites on the internet; spiked weed; pharmaceuticals themselves; money pressures felt even by teenagers who cannot manage to imagine a future for themselves in this particular economy.
Sorry, what do you know about the pain again?
1
You matter. You matter without condition.
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Mr. Brooks,
This is top drawer. May this help us all help others
1
When Anthony Bourdain died I read the obituary here in the Times. One of the comments in this section espoused his bravery for killing himself. MANY DOZENS of people had recommended the comment.
Can you imagine?
Of a subsection of the community who subscribe to the Times, DOZENS had recommended and RELATED to a comment about how brave Bourdain was for filling himself.
1
@EC
Funny thing. I remember the comments very differently, with most lamenting the devastating loss. And many ruing how hard it is to recognize depression in others, or sharing their own experiences with the black dogs
The ideas here to help a friend are great, but also, calling the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255, using their chat, Good Samaritans chat or call, or the Veterans Helpline or text lines should be stated. Also, if there is a plan for suicide, bring your friend to the nearest emergency room or call 911 if it isn’t safe to do so.
universal healthcare
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I think we can all agree we need to be doing more for our people who suffer mental illness. That said I don’t like being lectured by a man whose policy has been “free markets can solve it!” For the numerous public health crisis in the country. I continue to call for mr Brooks to resign, his insight and ideas are not worth the digital ink.
Suicide should not be thought of as a general problem. For the sick and elderly, it might be the best act. No one has the right to determine what a person does with their life it it doesn't harm others. Yes, mental illness is a problem--but ignoring that a sane person thinks suicide is the best way out is none of your business.
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When someone is suicidal and tells you, you need to calmly help them reach out for professional help. Say, “That sounds so hard. Let’s call a mental health crisis line right now. Let’s get someone professional helping us get you through this right now. Someone who knows how to help people through painful times.” David Brooks says your job is to help them cope, but you need them working with a professional so that you can both cope.
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Listen to kids as though every moment of their day matters as much as yours. Listen until they talk about the pain and fear in their lives.
The opening scene of the movie Carrie, wasn't random. De Palma used that image because we'd recognize it. Most of us have seen or been kids who were treated that badly growing up.
Know when your child is being bullied, subjected to mass taunting, ridicule, or physical cruelty. Know when your child's sibling is being sadistic to them or anyone abuses them in any way.
Never tell a child to work it out when his big brother sits on him and tickles and pinches him into hysteria for an hour every day after school, or if a gang of neighbor kids waits for her to get off the school bus, and rough her up. Know if your chubby uncoordinated adolescent is picked last in a PE class of 160 students who chant a vile nickname for him.
Then, take your adult self into the middle of it and rescue your kid.
Fix the problem without hesitation or half measures. Go beyond the bend. Assume that the problem is worse than you can imagine, because you can't. And be a hero and get rid of it.
Knowing that their parent will save them will not ruin a child.
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@Eric Thanks for this. Absolutely true.
This is a very good article. Thank you. The Columbia suicide screen for which online training is free is available on zerosuicide web sites
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I normally criticize Mr. Brooks because his columns are insincere and superficial, failing to acknowledge the role he has played over the last 30 years in creating today’s Republican Party, and all the harm it inflicts on American society.
The column, and the one that preceded it dealing with reparations, are different, sincere and honest. In these columns Mr. Brooks abandons pretense. Government and high taxes are no longer the problem (nor the answer). I hope these two columns are the precursor of things to come.
In the world to come heretics like Mr. Brooks will be prosecuted. Science will postulate that some speech physically harms people and that will be the start of it.
December 17. 6 a.m. Apartment window. Say his name. Tom.
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I doubt David has the time to read the comments, but I hope Agnes does - how long does it take before you do not feel guilty for having lost your son? or for having missed the signs? Eventually you realize that it was not your doing, and you gradually cope better. And you never forget.
Wishing you God's compassion ...
1
To even write about suicide in a country as prosperous as ours, where opportunities to succeed, regardless of the field,r out there, available, appears to me to be nonsensical, counter intuitive and people who do so, who somber in self pity and self absorption , well, they just lack character. Women in "developing nations," victims of , fgm when they were young, a common practice even in countries like Senegal where it is illegal but goes on anyway, saddled with 4-5 children with a "mari "who drives a cab with take home of $10.00 daily or equivalent thereof, and then the beau frere from the village shows up and expects to be fed and given money to buy cigarettes as well, that woman has every reason to commit suicide , but does not do so because of the Islamic religion, the "cement" that holds those societies together. Line from a 1950's movie: "Self pity is America's favorite indoor sport!"Teen age suicide in "les Etats Unis"is a made up problem! How many folks leading seemingly hopeless lives in non Western world simply cope with daily challenges, but suicide is not an option. When my late sister got a pessimistic diagnosis in 1997. and given a chance slim to none of surviving,she had her pets,rescued dogs and cats to look after, but suicide was never an option. You can always find something, some reason to go on living, even it amounts to nothing more than buying the morning newspaper to see what is going on in the world!
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@Alexander Harrison you might want to rethink your stance on suicide in developing countries. It certainly does exist, but loo different than western rates.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1414701/
1
But all hope is lost, Mexican rapists, murderers and drug dealers are invading our helpless society. Do you know what gives me the most despair? Conservative hypocrisy.
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"Economic precariousness, societal instability and personal loneliness are byproducts of an American society where junk politics rule." - Chauncey Devega, intro to a conversation with Christopher Hedges, in Salon https://www.salon.com/2019/03/14/chris-hedges-on-the-failure-of-the-democrats-and-the-rise-of-the-trump-cult/
Our politics and our social crises are intertwined. And neither party is anywhere close to addressing what needs to be addressed; both are fighting constantly for their reelections and catering to those who can contribute to same.
So, if you're going to kill yourself, nothing you do matters, right? You can try those drugs you were afraid of getting hooked on. You can go streaking at the mall. Eat some Cheetos. You'll never pay the price. So go ahead and have some fun first. Logic people. Get out of the trapped mindset.
For one thing because we are the way we are in this country they've criminalized suicide so IF you are dumb enough to let your professional know you are even thinking about it there's a good chance you will...... wait for it... go to jail or be locked up somewhere. So there's a really good reason right there NOT to get help and that should really be looked into along with how our so called professionals have been badly educated. Note the increase in suicides also coincides with more people getting "help".
@joe Hall
That is so wrong headed. If someone is profoundly depressed or completely unable to care for themselves, or threatening imminent suicide, yes, I cannot imagine a mental health work of any sort who would not mobilize forces for an emergency hospitalization. Usually that's a 72 hour hold.
Why would someone go to jail?
Having thought about suicide of talking about it with a trained clinician is not likely to get someone hospitalized against his/her will ( -- actually it's hard to find an opening for a voluntary psych. hospitalization or to get it paid for ).
It is going to open a discussion, trials with drugs or different therapeutic approaches. A good clinician can be the anchor that keeps that soul from going down .
It may already be in the works, but I'm expecting, one day, to see a new book out by Mr. David Brooks containing a collection of his editorial opinions published in the NY Times.
It will be titled "Losers in La-La Land: Dealing With Symptoms In A Heartless Oligarchy That Cannot Be Changed."
Today it is suicide. Tomorrow it will be lack of health care. Next week it will be about poor education. In any event, it will be up to the victims to swim or drown. They system will be of no assistance to the individual who does not already control it.
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Thanks for sharing this important information. Simply talking about suicide in order to reduce the stigma is SO important and gives people permission to acknowledge their struggles and reach out for help. One thing that's desperately lacking here, though, is a resource for people who are having a hard time. Please share information for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (in the US). 1-800-273-8255, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. Outside of the US, find hotlines and crisis centers at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres. These resources may also be helpful for friends and family members who are supporting someone who is dealing with suicidal thoughts. David Brooks and other journalists can view recommendations for reporting on suicide at http://reportingonsuicide.org.
Mr. Brooks , unless you have personally dealt with a child who has taken their life, I suggest you just shut up. My niece did that at the University of Alabama Tuscaloosa July 27, 2017. Check out suicides at Universities. Your kids are okay, don't you dare think that you know what ails our kids. How about mental health for everyone?
1
since society is culpable for suicides, maybe we should pay reparations to the descendants of people who commit suicide. on second thought, that's a really dumb idea.
This is obviously a sensitive and important issue, but Brooks must be a bit more cautious.
This amateur guide to dealing with suicide never mentions the most valuable thing we can all do - everything possible to get the person professional help.
Therapy and professional counseling is sometimes the subject of ridicule, when used by every wealthy person in Manhattan.
But dealing with suicide risk is not for dilettantes or newspaper columnists. If you, a loved one, a family member, a friend or neighbor is harboring thoughts of self harm, get thee to a professional, not a New York Times columnist.
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Suicide. How many of you reading this article -my comment- have not given suicide even the most fleeting consideration. I have. Like Mark Twain who said, of quitting smoking: "It easy. I've done it thousands of time." Thought about it, anyway.
True story. Vietnam. 1970. Nine miles from the Cambodian border. A captain comes into the regimental aid station demanding someone accompany him to graves registration. That someone, my sergeant says, is me. The good captain tells me my job is to obtain a blood sample from a dead GI. One of the MDs tells me, maybe, I can get one directly from the heart, so I take along a 3" large bore needle. The captain tells me as he drives me to the base camp morgue that he needs a blood sample to prove that the soldier, who put a .45 bullet through his own brain, was using marijuana, so the Army would not have to pay his widow and family the military's $10K death benefit.
The heart route failed. I finally filled a test tube with blood oozing from his ear near the bullet's entry wound. The captain drove me back to my aid station with instructions to see the vial was sent to 3rd Field Hospital in Saigon. I went instead to the sergeant who had sent me on this "mission" and related the circumstances. He said, give me the blood. If the captain ever comes back, tell him he has talk to me.
This was my first experience with suicide. It was far from my last.
To be continued, NYT moderators permitting...
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Where is the standard "if you are having thoughts of suicide" footer?
Thank you.
A little cultural history might be helpful here --
There's a book titles "Crime & Punishment In Eighteenth Century England" by Frank McLynn - in which he follows the history of social and criminal justice from the Monarchy into the hands of the people -
He spends an entire chapter devoted to suicide, which - back then - was considered to a crime of the most reprehensible nature -
Essentially - your life belonged to God and the Crown - and was not yours to take --
People who committed suicide were subjected to shame and punishment - as odd as that may seem --
Their bodies were hanged in public - and then dragged through the streets - where they were buried under public streets or crossroads - places upon which people trod and horses defecated -
While we consider the families of suicides to be "victims" or "survivors" - the families back then were evicted from their homes - stripped of most of their belongings - and sent out into the world marked with shame and derision -
Back in the sixties - when I was in high school - a lovely elderly man we all knew went into his garage one night - closed all the windows and doors - and ran the car -
I never forget what his wife said when we offered our condolences -- "It was the only thing he ever did for himself" -
When my step-brother committed suicide the same way - while certainly tragic - I also thought to myself that - considering his despair and years of struggling with his demons - it was also a final act of self-love...
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@Howard G
Ending unbearable suffering is always an act of self-love.
Criminalizing it only makes this worse.
But not providing systematical access to MUCH more life-enhancing forms of self-love training, as Western society today refuses to do, only makes things worse too ...
1
If you are having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for a list of additional resources.
The most proven way to avoid suicide is never to read anything by David Brooks.
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Please NYT adopt the journalistic practice of posting the National suicide hotline numbers and other resources below columns like this!
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"When you’re around {someone who seems suicidal]...don’t try to argue with her or him...Don’t say...“Do you realize how much this will devastate the people around you?”
So, what SHOULD you say?
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@Utahagen How about what's hurting you now? Or maybe you can sit down with that person and listen, hold their hand, let them know they aren't alone for that moment. Often it's what you don't say that helps. Don't tell them that it's cowardly, that they have so much to live for, that they'll be missed. Ask them about their life.
BE THERE for the person. Yes, you can't be the professional but you can be the friend. You can call them later, leave a message. The truth is that you don't know what will keep them going but you can try. Be a human being.
The classic sociological study of suicide is Suicide by the French sociologist, Emile Durkheim. From his evidence, he postulated three kinds: egotistic, altruistic, and anomic. At this time in America, anomic suicide seems to be the most common cause. This means that people are unconnected with one another. They have fewer friends, they choose not to marry, and if they do, their marriages break up at a faster rate. We know that socializing with other people leads them to live longer. It also lowers their risk of suicide. In World War II, people felt more connected with each other and suicide rates dropped sharply.
Psychological studies show that depression is correlated with suicide. Depression can be caused by the break-up of a romance, the death of a spouse, serious financial reverses. It is best treated by a combination of anti-depressant drugs and psychotherapy. Sometimes the suicide of a famous, accomplished person, such as David Foster Wallace or Kate Spade, can lead to "copycat" suicides.
It is hard to read personal accounts by people who have tried to commit suicide, such as "Darkness Visible" by the novelist William Styron. He drank a lot, presumably to mitigate his psychic pain. People will do almost anything to avoid depression, because it is so painful, and seems to be never-ending, though is not.
Perhaps, Winston Churchill had the best advice for people in that condition: "When you are going through hell, keep going."
1
A Psychiatrist friend mentioned the results from failed attempts.
Some of those who use drugs to overdose wake up retarded!
Some who use a gun flinch, and lose half a face!
Some who jump from high places, survive as paraplegics!
A professional has to be involved to determine if the cause is some form of mental illness. Are they taking their medications? Do they need a reassessment of those medications?
A great listener can comprehend what's really driving one's suicidal ideation and offer thoughts that may lessen or redirect heir violent thinking.
Bottom line get professional help asap!
2
Did you think about getting some advice from experts or you are just confident you have all the answers?
David should stick to right wing political propaganda.
When he turns "philosophical" he indulges in Hallmark platitudes and clichés, which help no one.
1
Don’t play amateur psychologist!
Suicide is not an ailment, a sin or a crime, but it is often treated as one of these. And so we forget about Socrates who just didn't what to leave Athens and drank the hemlock instead. Many of us can reach the point where life on planet Earth becomes boring or unbearable. And who is to say who is right? Let people make up their own minds as to when they want to leave this rock speeding through space at 73,000 miles per hour and doesn't give a damn about what happens to all living things. Peace.
3
There is a great free webinar on preventing suicide for everyone: "Hope and Reasons for Living – Solution Focused Suicide Prevention" with the author of "Hope in Action" Heather Fiske and Brigitte Lavoie who installed the suicide prevention program in the province of Quebec (Canada): https://experience.solutionfocusedleadership.com/courses/5/about
“Anyone who is supporting another person’s reasons for living is doing suicide prevention.“ (Heather Fiske)
Another "How to..." from Renaissance Man Brooks. Or is it Suicide for Dummies?
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"To all of us ... the world is extremely harsh and unsatisfactory. We can all imagine having better times than we do have, and to most of us a new day spells only a new misery. Nevertheless, we manage to keep going, and even to enjoy the farce more or less. What we haven't got we hope for; what we can't have we do without....
But there is also a kind of man who lacks, congenitally, that saving bounce, or has had it shaken out of him by misfortunes passing the endurable....
Speaking for myself, I don't recall a single day in my life when I was contented with my lot, though as human destiny runs, it has been a not unfortunate one. Worse, I have got to a point. in my old age, that I can't imagine any concrete amelioration: experience has taught me that what I want today will only upset me if I get it tomorrow. But to give us hope is surely not the same as to embrace despair. The show remains engrossing, though it is no longer exhilarating. The horror of week after next will at least be a new one. It may be any one of ten dozen: I find myself vaguely eager to know which it is to be. Thus I advise against suicide. Life may not be exactly pleasant, but it is at least not dull.
Heave yourself into Hell today, and you may miss, tomorrow or next day, another Scopes trial, or another War to End War, or perchance a rich and buxom widow with all her first husband's clothes. There are always more Hardings hatching. I advocate hanging on as long as possible."
--- H.L. Mencken, 1929.
5
Ten members of my family have committed suicide. I have spent the better part of my life thinking this drew a line toward me, that I stood a snowball's chance in hell of avoiding.
What I have learned is that appealing to heaven is not productive.
That everyone does it for different reasons.
That not knowing some small part of the story behind the reason makes a world of difference in its complexion.
That clusters like this are a statistical anomaly. Really. It took me decades to come to this conclusion, but it is sound.
That giving a name to one's fears is essential to managing them.
That it is illegal is preposterous.
That all suicides are not equal. There are those that are, at least for the person involved, justified and, if not admirable, respectable.
I am not afraid. This is not something one can readily transmit to another who is. My aunt died recently. I was called and showed up, holding her hand to death. Kaiser hospital had the grace to give her time to accept her diagnosis- they could not heal her body, but they gave her mind time to heal. She told me, I have been to the edge of death. I am unafraid. I feel like a human being again, and your coming helped me.
She credited the medication she took for bipolar disorder with keeping her alive. It also hastened her death in some measure. I know the territory she covered, and found different ways to navigate it. But not everyone can. It's hard for us who survive to accept this. Very.
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As someone who has contemplated suicide on more than one occasion, the one factor I repeated is isolation and lack of human connection. Please hear me. I have a loving husband and family, and yet, depression keeps me homebound which often appears to be my choice, but in reality, leaves me in a state of isolation in which I am sure my death wouldn't affect anyone. The people who purport to love and care about me don't reach out to me when I can't reach out to them, which is interpreted by my mind to prove that voice.
It's not enough to tell me I need to get out of the house more often, or I need to see a therapist or counselor. Don't you think I know that? However, the resistance to go somewhere alone, or to pick up the phone just to talk, is sometimes impossible for me to do.
I'm tired of all these articles that tell people who contemplating ending their lives to reach out. Don't you understand that if I could reach out, I wouldn't be in this predicament?
If it wasn't for a friend, who realized in our text conversations, that I was talking frequently about ceasing to exist (not killing myself), and gently suggesting, numerous times, without nagging, that I should, perhaps, talk to my prescriber about adjusting my meds, I don't know where I'd be right now.
So, please. If you see someone you love slipping away, reach out to THEM, knowing that they may not be able to reach out to you, regardless of how many times you post the suicide prevention hotline.
4
Very little else will drive non-suicidal people to end their own lives like severe, unending chronic pain. For millions of Americans tortured by failing bodies, the only solution is opioids. But thanks to government interference and skewed statistics, doctors are terrified of losing their licenses to practice medicine if they prescribe oxycontin, morphine or methadone.
Alternative treatments intended to control pain like massage, physical therapy and counseling are impossible to obtain when health insurers refuse to cover the costs. Supposed options are frequently ineffective against shattered spines, damaged nervous systems and the many other ways broken bodies torture us. Long-term use of opioids is frequently the only solution that allows those disabled by pain to rejoin the human race.
Pain patients have become the newest victims of misguided government policy in the name of reducing overdoses. Senator John McCain knew what torture does to the human mind and opposed its use under all circumstances.
When denied lifesaving narcotics, even the unthinkable is no longer out of the question.
Chronic pain sufferers have recently been put in a very, very difficult situation that dramatically increases the likelihood they will kill themselves. We need to provide pain medication to those who truly need it. Why isn't this in the article?
Parents and friends should help the suicidal or hopeless individuals to change their circumstances, even if it means a geographical change. There may be chemical or psychological factors, to be evaluated, but certain environments may be toxic, especially where peer approval is paramount. If high school is depressing, find after school or weekend endeavors to be a focal point. The internet is thought of as a source of further isolation due to cyber bullying, but rather than surf alone, parents or friends should person locate a compatible crowd, and be encouraged to meet. I have seen several troubled kids do 180s by finding competence on an after school job. or joining a group of like minded nerds. Loneliness, isolation and low self regard are effectively countered by acceptance. Some turn to religion, or community volunteering. But the route to self worth is out there, even though the individual cannot fathom that fact.
My supervisor at my Federal employer sent me to the agency police for supposed 'suicidal ideation.' It was humiliating. I could not sleep that night and called in sick. So my supervisor called the police and mentioned that someone had mentioned third-handedly, I might have a gun. A SWAT team showed up and nearly killed me in front of my wife. Many other people who are truly suicidal have the police called on them and then are humiliated by being cuffed and dragged off to the local psych ward where they will be subjected to other indignities, that is, if the police don't kill them first.
My wife and I have never been the same since. And I join many others with mental issues who will NEVER reach out again as long as part of the equation is to call the police or 911 in general.
Also, I am not a young person. This problem does not go away with age but we must look at men in mid-life - the highest trending demographic group for suicide, due to economic factors beyond their control, and those that take their lives in later years because they become 'lost' in a society that marginalizes them or they are facing obscene medical bills or relegation to nursing homes which are a kind of death in themselves.
If we truly care about ALL people with issues that make them suicidal, a sea change in our society - to that kindler, gentler place President Bush spoke about. And certainly more avenues to getting professional help.
2
Nothing beats personal experience. Suicide is a far more com,plex topic than you imagine.
A recent illness threw me into a world of endless, inescapable, excruciating pain. Knowing that the doctors had medicines at their fingertips (opioids) but would never give me a prescription made the situation much worse.
The "war" on opiod addiction is causing unbearable pain for thousands of people legitimately in need of help. And, its clear to me now, thousands of suicides across the nation. It has nothing to do with "self-loathing" or depression.
Lucky for me it didn't come down to that.
So much to say, so as a psychiatrist I will limit it to just one. Some people will try to deceive, but the evidence is not 80%. Most struggle for years, and if asked "are you okay" will share. For many the question is misphrased: "are you thinking of killing yourself" as if it is right now, the true answer is often "no". Dying by suicide is like failing to hold on to a chin up bar, the pain and fatigue in the hands requires letting go. The pain and fatigue of hanging on to life in constant desperation can only last so long. So ask, instead, "In the last 30 days have you had thoughts of killing yourself?" And do it with compassion, concern, acceptance, and lives can be saved.
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@David Greenspan I was once told how much medication to take to kill myself. The person who told me was a licensed psychiatrist. I took it but lived. The psychiatrist didn't even care. So forgive me for saying that even you asked me, I'd lie. Caring for mentally ill people today is still something out of the dark ages. Too many mental health professionals seem to think that all they have to do is tell us where the problem is or listen and nod appropriately. Insurance companies are worse.
People don't ask to be mentally ill or require medication to feel "normal". But we don't appreciate being belittled either or being treated like children. I don't need to be told that my brother would be upset if I killed myself. But that's not a reason for me to live if I'm in that much pain.
Maybe someone ought to ask what is needed to comfort us. Sometimes a hug, a shared cup of tea or coffee, or maybe a warm presence. The problem is that almost every social contact in America revolves around having money to spend. And a lot of social contact takes place at the job. No job, no contact. That's why jobs are important. For many of us, if we're single, the job substitutes for other things.
I apologize for the scattershot nature of my response. However, it's hard to put together a truly thorough response when limited to 1500 characters.
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@David Greenspan
This is exactly what I meant when asking the author how he thinks he knows something about that "pain" and "why" a person who suicides does so in relation to that pain. Thanks for making my point better than I was able to do.
3
@hen3ry You did good. Yes, mental health care is often as you state. Take a pill, fill out paperwork, etc. You're done. Is there any group session available? Often there isn't. Does the justice system care if you have a mental health problem? No. And if you bring it up in court you're often penalized even more, ironically.
As a 67 yr. old survivor, I can say there's life still worth living. It isn't 'painless', but, it takes a certain perspective and a lot of often twisted humor to get through it. Stay connected. Try helping others to 'get out' of yourself. Learn to love your good parts...it's apparent from your missive that you do have some <3
11
This is a helpful piece, David Brooks. It is true that asking about thoughts and plans for suicide does not encourage people to take action. Other things to consider when you want to keep someone safe are access to a firearm and use of substances. Both increase risk and the two together are a deadly combination. Most suicide attempts occur in an irrational, spur of the moment reaction. Reducing access to firearms is just prudent. In my years of experience in working with suicidal people, I can recall only a couple of times when people refused to voluntarily, temporarily, give their weapons up for safekeeping. Don't be afraid to ask. Another good question to ask: what keeps you from acting on your thoughts? Give people a space to discuss why they are still living and build on that.
Suicide is so hard for me to grasp, and I'm sure this is true for most of us. It must be essential to listen to those who HAVE tried to commit suicide and were stopped, or didn't succeed, to find out what WOULD have helped them. They are the only real experts here. They must tell us what they need, and if those needs can't realistically be met, then the discussion has to be about what CAN be done. But knowing what they need is the starting point. I wonder if our expectations and those society has bequeathed our kids are just way too high. We all aspire to be somebody, to do something MEANINGFUL. Maybe life itself can be shown to be meaningful enough.
My dead brother's name is Daniel. Of course Elton John sang the song by the same name at the concert I went to recently. I cried, and still don't know whether I was angry at myself, at my brother, or at Elton. My wife saw my tears and hugged me as I sobbed through the song that had nothing to do with suicide until that night.
1
My mother was about 14 years old when her mother killed herself. She turned on the gas in the kitchen and suffocated. Mom is 96 now and still talks now and then of her loss. She also lost her sister who was 9 and it was that loss her mother could not deal with and who then succumbed to terrible depression. About 3 nights ago I was speaking with our mother. I was asking her about relatives from her side of the family whom I could barely remember from the 1950s but were still fresh in mom's mind. She began to talk about her mother and then said, "You know, if only my mother had access to all the support groups that we have today she would have survived." I agree.
I often wonder how different life would have been for mom had her mom lived. Maybe she would have had another child. Maybe mom would not have joined the Navy or met my dad. Maybe me and my brothers and sisters would never have been born either. There are few pictures of my grandmother. All I can do is try and visualize her from mom's description.
Suicide takes a terrible toll on so many others besides just the victim. It takes pieces out of a family's heart. We can't put it back together.
In 1996 I lost my business, several million and my wife deserted me too. I came within an inch of suicide. I can't tell you how I survived. There were at least 3 key people and a couple of drugs (that initially I refused) that truly helped.
I can't emphasize enough how just one or two others kept me alive. Thank you guys.
3
Suicide Fast or Slow. Some of us commit suicide fast with a gun, a rope, a belt, a jump, or a sudden twist of a steering wheel. Doesn't matter how. It happens quickly. The act itself becomes a monument.
Some of us commit suicide slow with alcohol, drugs, or worst of- all living a meaningless life surrounded by superficial people while working meaningless jobs. The act itself deadens the senses and the last breath comes slowly. The act itself conceals it the pain of living a life not worth living.
Both types of suicide are equally painful to their loved ones. The thing is "Suicide Is Real." It's a process. We all suffer life's tragedies. No one escapes them. We all process them differently.
The best we can do is try to live a meaningful life by being good to each other, or at least as good as we can.
1
I am so tired of people hauling out the tired myth (taught to me in nursing school in the ‘70s) that people who commit suicide have made a plan, talk in metaphors about dying, give valued possessions away. Some do. Most do not. I learned this from both sides of the story: I worked as a nurse & nurse practitioner for over 40 years; I took an overdose of prescription medications & somehow lived after 3 days in a coma & a week in ICU; friends & family were called for last visits before a doctor was going to pull the plug. I saw my therapist THAT AFTERNOON! I had planned to not kill myself. But that plan dissolved amidst anger, sorrow, & defeat. And the accessibility of a LOT of medications thrown back with a water glass of Cabernet. No plan. An impulsive move on a dark night. A professional saw nothing that day to alarm her. We talked about suicide; I said, not me. In my experience, professionally & personally, the only gain to suicide prevention mythology is more pain for the families of we who do & do not survive. “How could I miss this?” helps no one. And it saves very few lives. It is time to stop passing out a myth & calling it done.
5
God Bless you, David Brooks. You were talking to me this morning when I read your column. Thank you for your transparency and gentle boldness to confront this tragedy,
The human mind is a complex processor of feelings, emotions and society's judgment on our individual worth.
Please give each of us the strength and courage to know and appreciate that we are each loved...first by a caring God who created us...but by so many people in our lives. If only they would tell us.
1
How many of the suicides are a conscious decision by a rational person to end their life as opposed to somone in mental or emotional anguish or disturbance?
Most Americans do not live in places where they are allowed to end their life when they have no quality of life or only a short painful amount remaining. Should we really lump their number in with people who have emotional or mental disturbances?
With people living longer and often remaining alive long after there is no quality of life, this is an issue that will need to be addressed.
2
I've lost two friends to suicide. In one case, I could tell they were having a hard time, and sometimes the things they would get overly frustrated about things that didn't warrant it, so I thought they probably needed therapy and hoped their family and friends would support them, since I hadn't known them that long. I also didn't want to make assumptions about her, and of course no one could have guessed that she might take her own life. I also didn't know them for that long, and I was leaving for another city. The last day we hung out they ate bread, which they had cut out due to diet restrictions. That still haunts me. I'm like "why didn't I notice the bread??". Her hug felt a little lacking when I said good bye. "why didn't I notice the hug pressure??" It still haunts me. Years later by chance I saw a list with concrete questions to ask, and I wish I had known about that, and other ways to offer support. ASK. Just ask. "Are you thinking about taking your life?" "I care about you". Whatever you need to say. And if for whatever reason you can't help them, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. Another friend took her life last year. She suffered from mental illness for along time. Something that's overlooked is that even someone receiving ongoing treatment for mental illness might not be receiving specific help when they are at risk for suicide. Something that the mental health and the healthcare profession overall needs to address.
1
Discussion of the role of guns in suicide in the US was conspicuously avoided by the author. A Harvard study concluded that :" Research shows that whether attempters live or die depends in large part on the ready availability of highly lethal means, especially firearms."
Sure, early detection of suicidal thoughts is of utmost importance. However, removing firearms will have the biggest effect on suicide rates in the US and, no, all other means are much less lethal.
2
Judging from the comments here, I'm not alone in being dismayed by this rather simplistic article not mentioning the paucity of real resources available to those people most immediately in need of them. Even social services and medicaid are severely limited in the services they are able to offer to those people whose pain is so great that death seems like the best medicine.
Medication is useful, but may also complicate the condition by essentially treating a symptom while masking the cause.
I am struck by the similar nature of "conservative" attitudes toward suicide and arguments against abortion. Both are based on a generalized regard for the value of life in general, while ignoring the needs of the individual.
It is the individual who is contemplating self harm that needs to be helped. However loving and supportive we may be, we are generally not available 24/7, nor are most of us sufficiently skilled or emotionally prepared to render critical aid.
In order for this article to be complete, it should point out the necessity for increasing the availability of mental health care to the whole of society. The only sane way to make this happen is to provide universal health care. Anything else is saying, in essence, "we want you to live, but we want our profits more."
4
We should support everyone's right to live and do everything to keep them living but under certain circumstances we should let people end their own lives humanely. Suicide is among the 10 leading causes of death among baby boomers and a leading cause among youth. How many of us have heard stories like the one Ms Agnes McKeen who lost her son to suicide? Almost all of us. When I 1st time I heard such a story, I was deeply saddened for the father who told the story. I was speechless although the father was composed and only recovered my speech after meeting his lovely daughter and her handsome boy friend who was about to be deployed. I imagined how totally devastating it might have been if his son was his only child. Even though any suicide of any child is one too many.
The problem with suicide and suicidal thought is we as a society want to shun and do not want to grapple with and recognize. The way forward is not simple but here is what I think. Not to deny any one their right to die and keep humane ways open for them to pull the plug and exit this world. Next give opportunities for those expressing suicidal thoughts to express their thoughts and counsel them to convince them, they have not reached a point of no return and ask what they can do to help them keep living for better days and struggling with difficulties in life.
The Australian Prof. who committed assisted suicide in Switzerland at age 104 felt there was no longer a purpose in life, gold standard for suicide.
1
Instead of fighting suicide, we need to understand and prevent it. Let's explore and analyze suicide's complexity in biological, sociological, and psychological roots and move away from that tired old saw "brain chemistry."
Yes, chemistry may be an aspect, but it's far from the total picture. Chemistry is not the only reason adolescent and young adult suicide is currently increasing. Of course, chemistry does sell drugs, but it also eliminates research into other salient areas that require further investigation.
Antidepressants can cause suicidal ideation -- the inexplicable urge to kill oneself. There's no real become (biological/functional? words escape me) for why people become suicidal -- have suicidal thoughts. Electro-shock therapy I have not seen mentioned yet -- can ease these depressions, possibly more effectively than meds, or counseling. I had it. My 102 year old cousin had it 50 years ago. It does seem to clear the head. Deep depressions lift a bit so that one does go on and sometimes successfully achieving what had not been doable before. Very badly depressed people need hospitalization and possibly watchers. They are identifiable and sometimes missed--I know of two sad cases-- including a mother and child! These people were all under medical care (inadequate obviously) at the time of their self- deaths. It's a complicated disease. Maybe a complete change of environment?(paid for by universal single payer health?) (and for the morbidly obese.)
While it is admirable that Brooks offers a public suicide ‘CPR’ tutorial, seeing this epidemic as beyond (and often evading of) professional help. It takes a village...
But his summary is unavoidably simplistic. Association is conflated with etiology. Are folks isolated because they have difficulties navigating intimacy, leading to further despair or is there a sociological cause for isolation?
How often is suicide an act of rage, an accusation to others: “Look- you’ve killed me!” The impact of sone suicides on survivors can reveal much.
Alcohol intoxication causes deadly car crashes...a masked suicide?
And then there are the confusing cases of overwhelming medical problems when a patient ‘choses’ suicide. Can that be rational?
Yes- friends & family should be educated, like the public health education that teaches us CPR, the Heimlich maneuver or pressure on an arterial bleed. But depression, reactivity, rage, terror, delusion are complex- individualized- and hard to generalize about. Brooks might have added some humility to his earnest campaign.
2
Depression is a loss of hope for the future. It represents a stuck place where there seem to be no options. Suicide is an option to get out of the pain of the moment. Too often suicides are a cry for help that was not caught soon enough. This is not to place blame on survivors but to say that if that person had reached out to talk to some one, the outcome might have been different. In my way of thinking, there need to be more accessibility to Life Counselors who can help people get back on track with their lives and figuring out how to solve whatever problems are keeping them stuck. Mental health counseling requires pathologizing the issues in order to satisfy insurance companies. If Dr. Phil could just afford to get everyone the help they need, we could save a lot of people from suicide.
2
March 15, 2019
Fighting suicide after the fact - gives pause to how do bad things happen - to a love one and the oneself. Surely to cope and adjust to a family suicide is profound and gives a sense of the beliefs that one is living with and the guardianship to never having to experience the end of life event by ones lost of healthy wherewithal. It's great topic to keep informed about and with collective efforts to share on the success of this finality in the culture - with as much lessons learned to aid in our choice to live and never having to self destruct.
1
"Your next job is to help them cope. People contemplating suicide are often in the grips of a temporary mood catastrophe, to which they unfortunately see a permanent solution."
If someone discloses they are having thoughts of suicide, unless you are a qualified medical professional, isn't "your next job" to get them into the hands a professional? By calling EMS, social services, a crisis hotline, or the like?
2
Thank you for writing about this and sharing the very powerful and moving video. It has made me think about volunteering around this issue in my community.
"... what's really necessary is belonging." Society has decreed that some people are never allowed to belong. And the rejected ones very well know it.
3
Unless you have been suicidal it is hard to understand what it is like. Basically your mind has decided that the best way to end your suffering is to kill yourself. Usually it is because you hate being alive, and you find no joy in your life. Your life is a waking nightmare. In this situation finding a Mental Health Program you can attend daily is crucial to survival. The Peer Recovery movement is growing, especially in California. I feel bad for People in Republican States were there may be no help available. If Republicans have their way they will close all Non Profit Mental Health Programs. We must not let them destroy us.
4
Suicide survivors.. of which unfortunately i am one ( my wife 2004) should also take this epidemic seriousky- for thenselves
I am kucky; i was introduced to a fabulous person, my current wife and have been in therapy since 2004
Do whatever you can for yoursrlf You are still here
And your life continues
Trite.
I don’t know what the right advice is, but this fellas far short. I say this as someone whose young brother committed suicide. People should understand from childhood that when people take their own lives (excluding those who are terminally ill or elderly), they break everything around them and the social contract that binds the world. It’s not a moral criticism or anger - it is just a fact. If you’ve never felt the rippling void left by a young adult you are close to when they decide to leave this world and leave a painful hole for all the people who they left behind - it’s just hard to understand how awful it feels. Suicide is a self-absorbed act. I say that having completely forgiven my brother for it, and partially having forgiven myself for not doing more to help - and also feeling that i know he was in a lot of pain at the stupid moment where he made a stupid decision that I will never comprehend, and I feel so sorry for him and hope he has peace.
The trouble is that by time the person is clinically depressed and/or mentally ill, they often are not rational anymore. The best I feel like you can do is to try to listen and get them through the dark days the best you can (if you even know) - because better days do come. And then find a way to get good, consistent professional help. It is not easy for anyone - it is very, very hard.
Mr Brook’s trite, sunny advice doesn’t seem to scratch the surface of this pain.
4
There are many reasons why people may think about suicide. One reason may be the uncaring impersonality of our institutions which seek to externalize problems rather than solve them in a humane way. They put the entire blame on the victim rather than acknowledging their own culpability in causing pain and adopting more humane policies to begin with.
2
This is the most beautiful and important thing you’ve ever written. We rarely agree politically, but you are truly a kind, decent warm person.
The most important thing you can do for anyone that has lost a family member or loved one : Be there. SAY their name. Share memories of the loved one if you have them. Offer to help, in any fashion. The pain lessens, but never, ever disappears.
Say their Name : Johnny. My Brother. I said it.
249
@Phyliss Dalmatian, I burst in tears when I read your note about Johnny - I am so sorry for your loss.
22
@common sense advocate
Thank you. Johnny died in a Jeep accident, while serving in the US Army. He was my only sibling, two years younger. He was a wonderful, sweet boy, and a fine, patriotic young man. But, my daughter looks just like him. It’s both wonderful, and painful. 30 years ago, and I dream about Him, often. I love you, Johnny. Forever.
18
@Phyliss Dalmatian
Teddy. My brother, I said it.
I'm sorry for your loss.
36
My youngest child took his life on New Years Day. There are already people in my life who seem determined to push me into the abyss. "When will you get better?" "How long are you going to be like this?" The selfishness and cruelty of these questions is incomprehensible to me.
I want to lash back at these people with, "aren't you really hoping I'll stop grieving so you can stop feeling guilty for your part in my child's death? Because your cruelty to me will not absolve you!" But then my cruelty to them won't absolve me either.
The problem is that none of us knew to pay attention to those signs until after he was gone, and no one pays attention to headlines containing the word "suicide" until we lose someone close to us to it.
71
@MYOB Lots of hang wringing, but American families are on their own. At the end of the day it's up to the family to move mountains. And you did. Your story is both inspiring and harrowing. If we were really serious about helping people all the methods you mention should be affordable and available to everyone. And practically none of them are.
10
@MYOB I am so very sorry for your loss. Having lost a dear family member to suicide, I know some of the unbearable grief you are experiencing. As the article points out, having a relationship with a peer can help immensely--that is, someone, another mother, who has walked the same road; and, who is intimately familiar with the range of emotions you experience in a given moment (from enduring shock and disbelief, to the guilt, shame, anger and deep sadness). May you find the right kind of support, some comfort and peace of mind as time passes. Though I imagine that right now the thought of having any of these things seems naive and impossible. I hold you in my heart.
11
@MYOB Everyone has their own time frame. Continue to be true to your own process. Do not feel pressured by anyone to "get better" because THEY need it.
13
I teach adolescent boys with HIV. They are called the Hard To Reach. All of them are poor. There are no percentages. All of them have been sexually abused. Exploitation is normal. The ones who are still alive are doing sex work. Keeping them alive takes more than community. It takes laws. It takes education. It takes money. It takes grit. It takes a willingness to do more than call 911.
They kill themselves all the time. I am now used to it. In the underworld they live in, guns are popular. I have come to find out they all have one. All of them are at risk. All of them have tried before.
In order for them to get HIV meds from Public Health, they are required to undergo vigorous physical examinations. These are survivors of sexual violence. On the way home, all of them are -- always -- mute. They are subjected to being raped all over again and again and again. I could not do it. I could not do what they are required to face. I would kill myself. We want them to live for us. "Normal people" take the physical exam for granted. But not these boys. They are commonly mute for days, and the days and nights of support have to begin again. It's like being pushed back from some place where they were reaching for the ability to thrive. Then, the physical exam happens, and they are back to square one. The cycle itself will wear you out. The medical community is to blame. What they do is punish these boys for something that is our fault. Deeply endemic intractable poverty.
137
@Tim Barrus
WHY are they subjected to physical exams at all? Other than blood drawn, what is entailed? I ask out of outrage for the very idea of this. What sort of information could possibly be necessary to justify putting sexual assault survivors through more invasion?
11
@Tim Barrus
I do not understand at all why exams are not done with compassion. Not at all. There are training protocols, and in a few places, those which have allotted the funds, even specialized clinics with experience in dealing with the trauma of young people who have been sexually abused and exploited.
It is really ALL ABOUT MONEY. Money and blaming people who are poor or ill for their own problems even when they are children. The fact that to many voters, and to many elected pols, who deny the need for proper care and say it costs too much, it even costs too much in their minds to assure barely adequate food assistance or medicaid; people other than themselves and theirs simply do not matter.
6
@Tim Barrus: Well spoken. Well done.
5
I have often thought that some suicides weren't really a desire to die but an unwillingness to continue to live in the same way. We need to be able to show that there are many possible roads to a good future.
3
Mr Brooks left out the elephant that needs to be in the room when discussing suicide, even (and especially) for a conservative columnist: guns.
"The real tragedy behind suicide deaths—about 30,000 a year, one for every 45 attempts—is that so many could be prevented. Research shows that whether attempters live or die depends in large part on the ready availability of highly lethal means, especially firearms. A study by the Harvard School of Public Health of all 50 U.S. states reveals a powerful link between rates of firearm ownership and suicides. Based on a survey of American households conducted in 2002, HSPH Assistant Professor of Health Policy and Management Matthew Miller, Research Associate Deborah Azrael, and colleagues at the School’s Injury Control Research Center (ICRC), found that in states where guns were prevalent—as in Wyoming, where 63 percent of households reported owning guns—rates of suicide were higher. The inverse was also true: where gun ownership was less common, suicide rates were also lower." Please read up on it - thousands of lives depend on it. https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/magazine/guns-and-suicide/
5
As a clinical social worker and therapist who has spent many years treating the depressed and suicidal and those who have lost someone to suicide, I’m not going to debate anything here. I just want to express sincere thanks for someone of David Brook’s stature and voice for using the mega-forum of The Times to encourage discussion of this critical topic. It’s not exaggerating to say lives might be saved. Sometimes all it takes is the empathic voice of one person. Better still when that voice is amplified as it is here.
1
David: one of your greatest gifts at the present time is your effort to be positive and offer suggestions to help Americans progress. I get really tired of all of the air and press time given to Trump's ego and I am glad you have decided to do something different.
Mr Brooks mentions the impact of isolation on suicide but neglects to mention that LGBTQ youth have a risk of suicide at least 3x that of their peers. Talk about isolation!
3
You have no idea what you're talking about. Sadly, no idea. You say people who attempt and fail are happy they didn't succeed. Not always. I have been suicidal all my life, and, in my mid-thirties, i attempted it. Or, at least flirted with it. Night after night, I lay in my bed and watched the blood flow from my wrist. I would bleed so much I would pass out. One night, I went to the emergency room, blood dripping from my wrists. But I didn't go in, because I knew they would immediately put me in a drug ward and medicate me out of consciousness. The floors and walls were smeared with blood. Every doorknob was coated with it. Finally, I voluntarily went from New York to Louisville Kentucky to an asylum with locked doors. My immediate reaction was not that I was angry that I was locked in, but relieved that everybody else was locked out. I am now seventy.I have written a memoir about my experience called THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. And I survived. And not for one day have I been glad I lived. Not for one day. I have just grated my teeth and somehow gotten through a life, alone, always alone, my fate and my continual sorrow. You have no idea what it feels like- wretched and suicidal and alone in the world. No amount of affection, and I have had a lot, touched my heart or makes we feel glad I did not succeed. Four decades of this. Four decades. I reach out, both in my life and my writing, and nothing consoles me. Nothing.
1
Right, Mr. Brooks, let's do everything we can *personally* to help others not kill themselves, everything we little folks can do that doesn't cost any of the government's precious military money (because killing OTHERS is really the main thing).
Let's make it all quite personal, rather than focus on our greedy, materialist, capitalist, 'market-driven' society - in which young people correctly conclude there's nothing but diminishing returns for participating in.
Let's keep supporting a party that demonstrably believes in limiting the health care choices for all citizens, save the top 1% who can buy their way to health and happiness. Let's keep supporting the party that wants dozens of guns in every (white) household.
Gosh, how about we just get together and form a Pro-Suicide political party?? It would look a lot like your party, Mr. Brooks, today's Republican Party.
2
David:
You did great work last week on Reparations. I was so moved that you honestly gave it a chance and then realized what a valuable policy it is.
This week a very constructive piece on Suicide and how to support people!
Keep opening to the world and how it truly is. Keep thinking and opening.
The suicide rate in the Army doubled between 2005-2009. Nothing would have had a greater impact on suicide than NOT sending our 18 year olds to war. That’s a good place to start.
5
David, you mean it takes a village? You mean we should limit access to guns? When are you going to admit that your party has fought tooth and nail to create and sustain the conditions that have resulted in these high suicide rates?
3
We all get depressed, is that reason to off ourselves in record numbees?
I think some toughening up is in order. Like is difficult, it can be depressing but you keep fighting.
1
@There
This kind of judgmental ignorance, perhaps willful, is all too common. Do you really think people take their lives because they're not as "tough" as you? What a lack of compassion and imagination.
2
David writes:
Suicide is a societal problem.
It’s also a values problem.
It’s also a guns problem.
It's also a public health problem. It'd be literally incredible if David could wrap his mind around accepting that access to health care, including mental health care, would help stem the tide.
3
David Brooks claims that, "we don’t talk about (suicide) much. It’s uncomfortable. Some people believe the falsehood that if we talk about suicide, it will plant the idea in the minds of vulnerable people. Many of us don’t know what to say or do."
Actually, we here in Connecticut do know what to do about it. We implemented a "risk warrant," which permits the police to confiscate fire arms owned by an individual who is reported to be considering hurting himself or others. That has resulted in thousands of guns confiscated and one of the lowest suicide rates in the nation.
If only Mr Brooks would stop shilling for the GOP and its "more guns, more death" policies, and start supporting strict gun control, we wouldn't have the suicide rates that this nation does.
If only!
4
Excellent, David. Anyone who has lost a family member to suicide knows that once the why-couldn't-I-stop-this guilt mixes with grief, it's a daily struggle to live a happy life with said grief.
1
"A lot of people die simply because at their lowest moment, there happened to be a gun around." YES. This is a crucial but under-appreciated fact: a large percentage of suicidal urges are short-term and can only be acted upon if there is a convenient method at hand. A good analogy is the phasing out of carbon-monoxide-rich coal gas for home energy use in the UK: "When the British government phased out coal gas for less lethal natural gas ovens, the suicide rate dropped by a third." Some people will find a way regardless, but many won't. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/struck-living/201012/can-obstacle-prevent-suicide
And... for the "guns make us safer" crowd: having a gun in the home increases your suicide rate by 6x (or 9x if the gun is kept loaded). You're 11x more likely to use your gun to kill yourself than to defend yourself. This can't be emphasized enough. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/more-guns-do-not-stop-more-crimes-evidence-shows/
2
The first thing to do is remove all access to guns if you think someone is contemplating suicide. Enlist help, if you need it. If your friend or loved one (or colleague or anyone) tells you they have a plan for suicide, call 911. A verbalized plan guarantees overnight acceptance into a hospital, where professional help is available.
1
Losing a daughter or son to suicide must be the hardest thing anyone could ever experience. What a feeling of devastation.
Hopefully Ms. McKeen has a strong support system to help her in her times of need.
2
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked,
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
“Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich--yes, richer than a king--
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
2
RIP Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, et al…
"Get them to talk about the pain, so they can understand its contours."
Mr. Brooks would place a lot of faith in dialogue, companionship; IMO those are far beyond the ken or interest of most intent on suicide…
But, on the practical side, check your healthcare coverage for access to appropriate professional services if available - when, where, how much?
1
Why don't Republicans/conservatives want to do something about the mental heath crisis in our country, Mr. Brooks?
It is shocking that over 45,000 of our fellow Americans kill themselves every year.
It is shocking that every time there is a mass shooting in this country, people attribute it to "mental health," and then Republicans offer their "thoughts and prayers."
We need to collectively do something about our healthcare services in our country, including mental healthcare, Mr. Brooks.
2
This appears to be a heartfelt piece, so I apologize for being cynical, but I simply can't fathom why this man's opinion is considered at all relevant with regards to this issue. David Brooks is a political commentator: he has no background in health sciences, let alone mental health care or public health issues. The mental health crisis in the US is real, and deserves serious policy analysis and efforts at public awareness, but this column is almost an affront to those goals. Nowhere in this piece has Mr Brooks even hinted at the lack of access to mental health services/treatments, or the coverage of mental health services by insurance companies, or the costs of mental health treatments, or the affect politics (ie Obamacare repeal effort, etc) are having on those factors. Those are all measurable factors that researchers have associated with increased suicide and mental health morbility rates; instead, in this article Mr Brooks has decided to focus on vague factors like 'values' and 'societal ills' with no research or verifiable evidence whatsoever to support his suggestions of their apparently vital importance. If NYT is going to promote discussion on this issue, I implore them to focus on providing expert opinions that can inform actual understanding of the issue and the possibility of truly effective solutions; it is almost an insult that they have allowed such a tragic public health topic to be co-opted by a would-be culture warrior.
Two members of my family committed suicide by handgun.
What was unusual about that was that they were black men. What was typical about them was that one was a lifelong alcoholic diagnosed with depression and the other was a Vietnam War combat veteran suffering from PTSD and drug addiction. But there were other family members with those same metrics who did not kill themselves.
There is a stigma attached to mental illness. And in hindsight both of them sent many signals. A great deal of planning and thought went into their suicides. Neither left any written notes.
Cook County Jail is the biggest drug treatment and mental health institution in Illinois. Along with being the biggest Illinois prison.
3
Great resource for teens and families (it is Christian based but anyone can learn from it) by a young man who survived a suicide attempt: ucantberased
King David, as one of God's sheep said, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me."
The Hebrew word Immanuel means "God with us."
It sounds sheepish, but sheep do best on simple fare, and not seldom find their cup runneth over.
Certainly not a remedy for atheists (few are that brave), but an agnostic may at least ponder that if God exists, He should be willing to lend a helping hand
David, this is an important topic, and I think you could have written a better column about it.
What is this stuff about "chemical imbalances"? That sounds vague and pseudoscientific. Agnes could feel Harrison "move through" her? That's weird.
Some things that you wrote were factual, which is good, but could you have not mentioned some scientifically validated approaches to suicide prevention? I am thinking of cognitive-behavioral therapy; getting adequate sleep and exercise; avoiding street drugs and alcohol dependence; problem-solving techniques; and possibly good friendships and family bonds.
One thing, especially, that you said seems valid to me, although you used different words: moods and emotions are transient (although they may be recurring), and mood disorders are usually temporary and self-correcting. And every suicide is different.
Society, and government, could take steps to reduce suicides and other unnecessary deaths, but it will have to go beyond the emotional, simplistic, knee-jerk approaches, such as outlawing gun ownership.
David, I think you know many psychologists, subject experts, and researchers, and I would have preferred to hear their reasoned opinions rather than the words of a mother who has recently lost her son.
Before I retired, I worked with middle school educators. Every year I reminded them the they/we are ALWAYS in a suicide prevention mode with adolescents. As far as being direct, yes, in fact this year when one of my adult children was in a crisis I asked: "Are you thinking of committing suicide?" So yes, be direct and always ask yourself have you done enough so that if they do end their life, you knew you did everything you could....because sadly, they have the final say.
1
David Brooks consistently and thoughtfully addresses our most sensitive and critical issues ... "our" meaning us Americans.
We need to face these issues. Please continue writing and speaking about them, David Brooks.
Thank you Mr. Brooks for putting the spotlight on, and more fully discussing suicide. My youngest brother died by suicide three years ago at the age of forty-nine.I had no idea that his risk for suicide was many times greater due to his disorder - he had Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.Depending on the study you read, adults with FAS /FASD are two to five times more likely to attempt suicide, twice as likely to die by suicide.The risk is greater for many reasons - impaired brain function resulting in impulsivity, poor judgment, poor frustration tolerance, inability to modulate mood. This population is also at higher risk for co-morbid psychiatric disorders, such as depression and addiction. I was primary caregiver for my parent with dementia and lived hours away. It was frustrating and demoralizing trying to get my brother the services he deserved.We made multiple attempts, attending appointments with my brother, to get him consistent support.I now know his local community support program did not know how to care for a person with FASD. His primary care provider, his social worker, his therapist - none of them knew to address his greater risk for suicide even though he was also being treated for depression.Education and awareness is critical. I will
never be able to go back to that day in 2015 and save my little brother, but maybe this information will help prevent the heartbreaking loss of someone else's loved one. https://www.nofas.org
http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com
1
Well, for one thing, get rid of so-called 'social media'. For everyone, not just kids.
How to fight suicide?
When I think of suicide I think of typical blindness of humanity, the irrationality of it, it's spirit of development which was pretty intelligently approached by Hegel, which has it when not at war and throwing peoples against each other, killing people, is absurdly (meaning not really) at "peace", where it has people murdering people within society, and has incarceration, and has people shoved into meaningless jobs, and without question shames and rejects people in any number of ways, and is entirely dishonest and incompetent with respect to this situation not least by simplistic dichotomy of war and peace.
With all of the military planning (war games), all of the political/economic planning, all the computer games, it's extremely telling we do not have a game which simply asks how would you, given the great number and of great variety human beings, place every person in such a way that each person has an actual and true place, is not incarcerated or shamed, or tossed into an ill fitting job, etc. and stands out in actual ability in society.
I would especially like to see this game handed over to economists and watch all their fumbling, all their excuses, all their stupid ideals come crashing to the ground. The fact is such a game, which is reality, is one of those horrifying games where no matter how you struggle to fit the pieces you end up with some left over, and in this game, it's millions of people left over to fend for self or just die.
How to fight suicide?
When I think of suicide I think of typical blindness of humanity, the irrationality of it, its spirit of development which was pretty intelligently approached by Hegel, which has it when not at war and throwing peoples against each other, killing people, is absurdly (meaning not really) at "peace", where it has people murdering people within society, and has incarceration, and has people shoved into meaningless jobs, and without question shames and rejects people in any number of ways, and is entirely dishonest and incompetent with respect to this situation not least by simplistic dichotomy of war and peace.
With all of the military planning (war games), all of the political/economic planning, all the computer games, it's extremely telling we do not have a game which simply asks how would you, given the great number and of great variety human beings, place every person in such a way that each person has an actual and true place, is not incarcerated or shamed, or tossed into an ill fitting job, etc. and stands out in actual ability in society.
I would especially like to see this game handed over to economists and watch all their fumbling, all their excuses, all their stupid ideals come crashing to the ground. The fact is such a game, which is reality, is one of those horrifying games where no matter how you struggle to fit the pieces you end up with some left over, and in this game, it's millions of people left over to fend for self or just die.
The national Suicide Prevention Hotline is : 1-800-273-8255.
Trevor Project Hotline focusing on the LGBTQ community is:
1-800-850-8078
As a licensed psychotherapist I applaud David for writing about death by suicide. However, I am a believer of when we know more we can do better: David must now understand we need intentional action based on research, not just prayers and good will. Will he change his habits and begin to write about the importance of an expansion of health care services for all to include greater funding for mental health resources for every person?
3
I'm not an 'expert', but I get the impression that suicides within humans and animals has a correlation to the increase of population. If so, there is no solution. So think of it as a natural phenomenon.
I read once, that suicide is just your anger at someone or something, turned inward against yourself and knowing that has has helped me through some very tough moments.
36
@Robin
Problably some truth to that statement. However, I have problem with the word “just”.
11
@Robin no,. It is a deep sadness and pain...not necessarily anger. Different for everyone.
7
@Robin
Some, yes. All, no.
3
The suggestion now is to change the dialogue from "commit suicide" to something else such as took her own life if only because "commit suicide" sounds like a crime and I know my daughter didn't commit a crime when she took her life. It use to be considered a crime and 50 years ago, suicides were not allowed to be buried in some churches' cemeteries.
81
@Sarah Everdell: The newer language is 'died by suicide.' (Rather than 'committed' for the reason you stated..)
8
@Sarah Everdell I can't agree more. My brother died by suicide; I've never been able to speak the word "committed."
31
Suicide is a tragic event and a sign of our times. I assume Brooks means well, but his typical strategy is to complain about a problem, but to never dig deep. He always stays on the surface offering no real solutions. He’s uncomfortable facing real causes that challenge his conservative world-view.
He says, “Our individualistic culture means there are vast empty gaps in our social fabric where people suffer alone and invisible.” Yet, he has consistently argued for the supremacy of the individual (“We democrats put faith in the idea that people know best how to run their own lives”) over the collective. He seems to want it both ways. But you can’t worship self-reliance, yet show contempt for a social safety net of universal healthcare and education. Why doesn’t Brooks talk about that?
Vast economic inequality has destroyed families and driven individuals to despair. It’s an inequality caused by 50 years of conservative neoliberal economic policy starting with the conservative demi-god Ronald Reagan. We’ve had decades of corporate welfare with little attention to the general welfare. It’s been financial profit over social profit – vast wealth in the hands of just a few people. Why doesn’t Brooks include that in the suicide discussion?
“It’s also a guns problem.” Really? Well, instead of just two sentences, how about an entire column that pulls no punches about that problem?
Condolences to those who suffer is fine, but how about some honesty and real solutions?
2
I am dismayed that Mr. Brooks reiterated the language we often read suggesting that there are "warning signs" about an imminent suicide (someone giving away prized possessions, and so forth). There is a danger in this. In the aftermath of a suicide, surviving family often torment themselves, wondering what we could have done. Talk of warning signs only deepens the guilt, suggesting that we missed something, that had we only recognized the signs, we might have intervened and saved a life. Sometimes "warning sign" behavior is a cry for help, not a sure signal of imminent suicide. Suicidal persons are often careful to avoid suspicion. Whatever the case, survivors are never responsible for the decision of an individual to end his or her life. I speak as a member of a surviving family.
2
A few weeks ago I sought out the help of a counselor who works out of the medical office of my GP group, so my insurance covered it. He cancelled the first appointment and was late for the second. After we'd finally met, he said he didn't see why we had to meet more than occasionally, but I decided not to go back at all. After reading this article, I now understand my choice: I had admitted that I feel suicidal ideation. Does this mean you have to pay the big bucks to be heard?
1
I would disagree with one small issue in Mr. Brooks column. He states that suicide is, in part, a gun problem. While many suicides in the US are gun deaths, the overall suicide rate in the US isn't different from the rest of the developed world, even in countries where gun deaths are rare. South Korea, Belgium, Japan, and Finland all have higher suicide rates than the US. Most of Europe is within 10% of the US suicide rate.
It seems that guns are a greater factor in the means of suicide than in the rate of suicide, and that cultural and other factors are much more significant.
1
Any discussion regarding teen suicide should also include a discussion of "coming out" - GLBT. The rates are higher for GLBT. Although general society may be more accepting, communities and families may not be. One key for parents with teens is to signal that whatever their sexuality, they are loved and accepted. This is essential and so simple.
Of course most people lie about suicide before they commit it. There is no room in our culture to talk about it. None. If you are not subjected to efforts to “save” you (often by someone who has taken only little to moderate interest in your inner life) then you are treated to ongoing suspicions about your mental health and in some cases, you are picked up by authorities and involuntarily committed to a psych ward if someone in your family deems appropriate. I appreciate this article but the author gets it wrong in a few areas. First, what strikes me is that at no point do you really encourage people to educate themselves; to try to get to know the person they think they know. Without that interest, anyone suffering will take supportive talks as surface stuff and will ultimately not be too affected by these efforts. Second, it seems to me the author writes with the assumption that suicide is always bad, always a rejection of life and worse, that there are always other ways out of pain. These are dangerous assumptions and hinder the support person’s efforts to help someone in pain. And APPs – are you kidding me? You want to impose an app on someone who is likely isolated or feeling alone? Despite my criticisms I applaud this article, as we all need to be challenging conventional views on suicide and opening up discussion. Suicide is not always a rejection of life. Some times, it can be an act of love and kindness.
The great sociologist August Compte noted that the greater the social integration, the less suicide. When we look at opportunities for meaningful, multiple relationships in our society as a birthright, then we will see less suicide.
5
As someone who once volunteered at a crisis intervention hotline, I have fielded calls from suicidal persons, ranging from teens kicked out of their homes to mid-career executives alienated from their families. We had a formula to help them overcome the momentary crisis that was screaming for a permanent solution. Here is what I have observed:
1) It is a mistake to assume the pose of a person who has never contemplated suicide in counseling the immediately suicidal. Anyone who is really alive has thought about suicide. We are all prisoners of this life.
2) If you really understand and appreciate the miracle of your physical body, how amazing the heart, how incredible the lungs, the liver, the brain, all the connective tissue, is unlikely to betray that beautiful gift with a suicide attempt. To put a bullet through your precious heart or brain requires the most extreme state of existence when you really understand your body.
3) Death is fundamental philosophical problem of humanity. Some people cope through denial or shifting focus to more mundane matters, which is perfectly valid. But when you really do want to talk about life and death, look into it -- deeply. You'll find plenty of company.
4) Life is tough. The world is cruel but not "completely hostile." There are kind people willing to help you get through this. Get in touch with something greater than yourself and relieve yourself of the "bondage of self."
4
What puzzles me in your column is the emphasis on love and combating social isolation. This is true in many cases, but it seems not to be in Harrison's case. The last words he heard from his mother were she loved him He knew it so what drove him to suicide is not apparent. No mention of his father and sibling.
I taught adolescents for 30 years and still teach campers at a camp for teenagers. I know of two campers I taught who committed suicide. Just beyond sad. I have seen so many deaths of young people from suicide and from drug overdoses it would take time for me to recall them all. In one particular case the son of a good friend committed suicide. He was a wonderful, bight, adventurous, caring young man. Happy too. But when he was a freshman at UC, Berkley the schizophrenia switch was flipped. He was no longer the same person and in his case he knew it, others with the condition/disease often don't. His dad flew from Boston to bring him home thus ending his college career. He got the best of care, the love of his two brother and parents and so many friends. Love enveloped him but it was not enough. About 3 years later he hung himself on Easter Sunday and was found by his younger brother. For his burial we needed a police escort to go through Brookline to his final resting place because there were so many cars. All the time he spent at Mcclain (sp.?) Hospital in Boston, all the love, could not save him. I cry for them all.
5
@amp
It's important especially for friends and relatives to know not only what they should do, but that you really did do all you could do, but you cannot control how the other person perceives their life, or what actions they take. That holds for choice of lifestyle or profession, but also for negative acts like substance abuse, and suicide.
@amp
Nobody could fix what was affecting this young man nor give him the hope to endure despite it. It was like a bad accident. I am very sorry for all.
Thank you for promoting awareness of suicide prevention. This is what I and my family have tried to do since my younger son died by suicide in 2016. We have sponsored awareness programs at our high school and in the community, and have led two walks for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, with at least two more this year. But there is so much more to do, for young people and adults, especially those in the military. I hope that you will use all of the channels you have, including your appearances on PBS, to continue the conversation on this critical issue.
When I was briefly incarcerated some 45 years ago-- rock bottom in a sometimes life-threatening penitentiary situation-- I decided that no matter how bad I felt I would never give anyone (individuals/ the system/ myself) the satisfaction of ending my life. If my life amounted to no more than a rebuke to the haters, that would be enough. So far its been that and more.
There's something potentially problematic in thinking that the problem that needs to be dealt with, first and foremost, is suicide or suicidal ideation itself. Having suicidal thoughts may be an end point after a pathological pattern of thinking and behavior has long been going on. I think that people who don't suffer from mental health issues project their healthy mindset onto the person who is suicidal. Resultantly, they believe that someone is temporarily "feeling blue" and words of encouragement, perhaps love, and some therapy will bring anyone out of this "temporary" state after which they will see the light. If it were that simple.
Rather, depression and personality disorders create patterns of thinking, behaving, and interacting that continue to reproduce the thoughts and feelings that make one suicidal. First it needs to be established that the person with mental health issues understands that they indeed have mental health issues to begin with in order to seek help. Even after that it can be a long and arduous process for someone to get to a place where they feel that their life has value and is worth living. In order to protect a loved one, it's important to know the signs of poor mental health. I don't think our culture puts enough emphasis on educating people about the significance of mental health. Without mental health, everything else is a non-starter.
8
I know there is such a thing as mental illness and don't intend to deny the addressing of it in medical terms. But depression is different, in my experience. There is pain - emotional and mental pain, symptomatic of illness and properly needing treatment. But there is also a radical hopelessness that is a judgment about the world, and your own place in it, which I think is the root of the depression and suicide that is increasing, especially among the young.
I believe that to live in the world, you are obliged to love it. A basic loyalty to the whole enables the whole to be. You love what your own individual life gives you, of course, but love for the world lets you balance those private loves, keeps you from the radical injustice of elevating the parts above the whole.
We have re-made the world to require that kind of partisan revolt of the parts against the whole. I asked whether I could any longer love the world. If not, if there were no way to act on that love, taking myself out of it would be the honorable thing to do.
But I decided that even if now I can only effectively (meaning, having my love bring some kind of good) love what is most threatened - the whole, and the defenseless parts most rapidly being exterminated (wolves, forests, rodents...) I can at least try to do that. For the time being. The question is not, can you live without hope? It is, how long can you do that? You cannot do it for even a minute, alone.
2
This is all well and good, but making this "a collective task" requires a public health response. Suicide is part of the larger problem of insufficient mental health services that individuals, family and friends can turn to when someone is in danger. To advocate a do-it-yourself solution without calling for more mental health services reminds me of conservatives who plead helplessness in the face of mass shootings other than training unqualified teachers and students to disarm a shooter themselves. Mr. Brooks often complains about the isolation and "atomization" of society, yet his solutions are also aimed at isolated individuals rather than the collective.
4
One of my closest friend's daughter tried to take her life two weeks ago. She is beautiful, mid-twenties, educated, loving family, with an adoring fiance. She also suffers from depression. Her mom told me the doctors told her they were so fortunate to have found her in time after she overdosed on pills. Her mom also told me that they were most fortunate to have the type of medical insurance and access to health care and holistic therapies living in a bigger city.
My mother tried to kill herself when I was in my 20's by swallowing pills. Fortunately my father found her and took her to the emergency room in time. We were fortunate to have access to good medical care and excellent health insurance. My mother got the help she needed.
I don't always agree with Mr. Brooks on many issues, but I do appreciate his willingness to take on this important subject. To ignore, however, his indefensible positions (well known to those of us who are regular readers of his columns) on access to affordable healthcare for all Americans is to give him more credit than he is due. I hope you continue to evolve your positions, Mr. Brooks. Perhaps one day I can embrace you without reservation, but to date you have shown me that you care for some by not all Americans.
5
Gun suicides - almost 23,000 last year. Get the guns out of the house. Especially if you have a young man in the home who is having a difficult time. Access to means is a major contributing factor. Research all over the world support this. There is clear evidence that gun death by suicide and lax guns laws go hand in hand.
3
I remember being so suicidal, so many plans, the finality, and then hearing "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker and realized that I may not hear that song again, there are no guarantees that I will hear that song again, and then scrapped the plans. Trouble was, I spent so many more years hoping for cancer. Now, finally, I am okay. It took a while, though. I would say to get the person to answer the question, and it may take a long time to get the answer, "what do you want? what do you need? Where does it hurt?" Those are tough questions.
3
Brooks's assertion that the suffering "is real but not forever" is inaccurate for those who live with intense, intractable physical pain. Some conditions can set off a cascade of losses--the loss income, ability to drive, identity, self-esteem--which lead to additional problems--social isolation, declining standard of living, anxiety--and these produce legitimate and perfectly reasonable feelings of hopelessness. Please don't tell me that "things will get better" or that my pain will pass unless you have plans to pay my medical bills and get me a new nervous system.
8
I was once part of a suicide prevention group. As a result, I now know many people who have committed suicide. And as a practical matter, I can tell you that if someone really wants to kill themselves, there is nothing you can do about it. That said, we should do everything we can to prevent suicide, along with the devastation it inflicts on loved ones.
Perhaps we should also consider the other side of the coin. Many people are terminally ill in the United States. They are kept alive by the medical establishment for a number of reasons. One reason is that no one wants to take responsibility for anyone's death. Another reason is that these people are sources of money for doctors and hospitals (this includes many elderly patients).
I wonder how many suicides are related to terminally ill patients who are simply fed up with the pain and agony of being part of a system that treats them as expendable commodities?
Now that would make for a very interesting column.
10
I know, let’s privatize mental health care. Because profit drives better outcomes, right David. Which ideology looks at costs before people, tax cuts for the rich before funding for health care?
6
As more and more people live out their lives through social media rather than interacting with real people, has anyone ever tried to correlate the rise in suicides (especially young people) to the rise in social media obsession? (or dare I say addiction?)
Communication is now increasingly via cell phone on social media. People don't talk and interact like they used to. The definition of "friends, chats and face-time" has changed.
So when your kid goes off to his or her room with a cell phone............ who will spot the early warning signs. Is there an acronym or an emoticon I am missing here?
7
Suicide, while notoriously difficult to predict, occurs more frequently in societies with some characteristics than others. That said, risk of suicide tends to be greatest among those who are losing social status and losing aspects of their identity that they believe are critical to who they are.
As our professional identities (and workplace relationships) have assumed a more central role to defining who we are, it isn't at all surprising that suicide rates have gone up in the face of a radically altered economy that has seen more and more people slipping out of the middle class, or anticipating that they or their children have nothing to look forward to but decline.
In point of fact, with the withering of local news outlets and the struggling even of major outlets to support the number of employees they did just a decade or two ago, one would think that journalists especially would know what it is like to be tossed in the dustbin as an outdated, overpriced luxury, easily replaced by someone willing to produce less expensive content that generates more revenue for their employer.
3
Our culture has been and continues to be averse to any form of therapy. Some of this cultural bias is institutional---insurance companies for decades have denied coverage for psychological problems--but, most I believe, originate with this John Wayne type mentality that real men and women work out these mental problems alone and by being strong. Laying on a couch in someone's office is viewed as weakness in character---only a Woody Allen type does therapy. I would also offer a cautionary note about the advice offered in this article. Having a close relative who is a psychiatrists, attempting to help individuals with suicidal tendencies is not a role amateurs should be playing. The best advice to give those dealing with this issue, is to seek out professional help.
1
The simplest way to reduce depression and loneliness is to walk around the block. That's one reason to own a dog. Many a man may feel more responsible about his pet than about himself.
Walking about, unlike anti-depressants, does NOT have the side effect of transforming a type 2 diabetic into an insulin dependent diabetic.
1
@BigGuy - Ever heard of Romeo and Juliet? Invented, characters, yes, but emblematic of something that was occurring among young people even in 1597.
@Vmur
If Romeo had just forgotten about Juliet and taken a walk, he would have been better off.
1
We are raising Snowflakes - fragile, easily offended, convinced they will collapse of ever they are confronted by those who disagree with them; or heaven forbid, in any way demand they suffer or sacrifice.
Ever child gets a trophy means they never learn to deal with the pain and difficulties life throws their way.
Sadly, it’s no surprise that having never been allowed to build resilience they see suicide as preferable to legitimate suffering.
35 years ago I read “The Road Less Traveled” and learned that life is difficult - but that fact just doesn’t matter. If only we would return to teaching that concept to our children, they’d soon be tough enough to succeed.
12
@John I think the problem is that social media is raising children. Their parents are too busy with their two earnings household in order to pay their bills and they are too tired or busy to give their children the attention they need. American society is increasingly a stressful one and a place where social media is displacing real community and connection.
21
@John , I am sorry, but this is such a simplistic, uncompassionate, and just plain wrong way to look at the issue of suicide, which has been a part of human existence across pretty much all cultures for millenia. It isn't about some partisan idea about "snowflakes" who just aren't tough enough to deal with real life. It's incredibly complicated, and heartbreaking, and it can happen to anyone, leaving those helplessly trying to prevent it from happening to their loved ones, or failing to prevent it, in unimaginable pain.
My father, an aviator in WW2, a Yale graduate, an accomplished musician, and a professional with a good career in a solid field, committed suicide when I was 5. Hardly a "snowflake"--just a man battling demons and losing the fight. My own son became suicidal in high school--he is, thank God, doing very well now, but I still often awaken in a panic that something may change again. He is no snowflake, either. He is smart, talented, funny, and kind.
When one's brain turns against the most basic of instincts--survival--it's about a lot more than mere "resilience." I wish with all my heart that it was as simple a matter as you make it out to be. But attitudes like yours make it all the more difficult for people to reach out for the help and understanding they desperately need, and deserve.
Apparently you haven't had to deal with suicide, or suicidal ideation, in someone you love. Pray that you never have to--for your sake and most definitely for theirs.
247
@John I'm a college counselor who deals with the students you deride as "snowflakes" every day. I don't think most people understand what our young people are dealing with or the financial and social pressures they face in our increasingly uncompassionate country. From crushing student debt to dysfunctional families to existential fears of climate or nuclear catastrophe, these kids are under incredible stress and often flying solo without much of a social safety net. I don't think Mr. Brooks' suggestions go far enough to address this national crisis, but at the very least, I give him credit for urging compassionate treatment of the issue.
10
Thank you, Mr. Brooks, for telling us of Agnes McKeen and the loss of her 16 year-old son, three years ago to suicide. A wide range of emotions is most likely to be found among your readership.
It took this one, back to the past; back to a time long ago, where on returning from school at age 16, I called a married couple to stay for the weekend. A voice answered, 'he has left and she is in the hospital'.
I went on to the small apartment where a sense of void was waiting, and with hands in my pockets, I stared at the view of the river, feeling the absence of light and across the bridge, where other family friends lived. In flight, I took shelter with them, sharing a room with their 16 year-old daughter, my peer, and looking over in the shadows, there was a cruel red gash on her arm, the cause of pouring acid on the above during a science class in a suicide attempt.
With flowers for Agnes McKeen; with thoughts of those who continue to navigate life seasons, while listening to the call of others to pull them through - Harrison, with love for his mother and loved in turn, will remain forever in time at age 16, with those of us who will stay the same age, often invisible to the eyes of their loved ones at a safe distance, knowing they will never love again.
3
I am surprised that Mr. Brooks and Agnes do not mention professional help as a solution to suicidal thoughts and depression until the end of the column. As if it is a last like a last resort. Professional guidance should be the first means of help. Depression can be a chronic illness. My family has a long history from my mother right down to myself and two siblings. Professional help (therapy, counseling, prescribed medication) is readily available. It is a major reason why my siblings and me have been able to live long and relatively healthy lives into our 60s and 70s.
4
Mr Brooks,
Your writing is of the highest standards, but I do take issue with your refusal to engage with President Trump given his outright rejection of many constitutional principles all real conservatives hold dear.
If you do not engage with him, even if only on the grounds of "strict construction," are you not, by admission, supporting his authoritarian power grab?
2
Thank you so much for this article. I have suffered from anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts for much of my life and even went so far in recent years to write a draft of my own eulogy. After Robin Williams' death, I remember reading an essay from someone who suffered from depression and likened depression to the weather: Some days, it will rain, but rest assured that the sun will again show itself. Sort of a twist on my dad's "This, too, shall pass" assertion that has helped me through my darkest days.
Regardless, I think were it not for my children, I may have done the unthinkable by now. But I was thrown for a loop when a couple weeks ago, I learned that my 14-year-old daughter's friend killed himself, causing her much anguish. This boy was in a different school district, so my daughter wasn't necessarily close to him, but it hit her hard just the same, of course. Seeing her grief firsthand and reading the child's obituary and putting myself in the tragic shoes of his parents sickened me and brought home how much hurt someone else's hurt can cause.
I greatly appreciate Mr. Brooks' efforts to illuminate this dark topic, which, as others have said, all too often lurks hidden in many people's lives.
3
David, for most people, the wish to kill oneself is not a response to a "temporary" mood catastrophe. It is a response to years and years of experiencing the same depressive thoughts repeatedly. It is an unending sense of hopelessness. Combine that, then, with -- yes, perhaps a chemical imbalance, heredity--the misperceptions ("everyone hates me") and ensuing maladaptive behavior choices (hanging out with other substance abusers for a sense of "comfort") and suicide becomes the next logical step.
5
David notes how suicide is connected to social isolation and values and also mentions guns. Guns should be at the top of the list. Boys and men kill themselves much more commonly than girls and women because of the gun culture and availability of guns. But taking on guns would mean taking on the NRA, a GOP bulwark.
A close second: social media bullying, which is baby simple and powerful enough to make anyone long to escape. Put guns and social media together, you've got a nightmare. But the media giants are too powerful to confront and control, an social media too addictive to stop. Mass suicide is easier to accept.
There is, third, monumental sexual and gender confusion and obsession on one side and bigotry on the other, a danger few people are willing to address never mind confront.
2
It has to do with not being able to imagine a future or way forward, a loss of meaning or purpose or agency. This usually isnt a “chemical imbalance”.
3
We recently lost our son to suicide after several years of struggle with mental health issues. We are still trying to understand what happened and how things might have turned out differently, but I do know two things that are desperately needed. First, improvements in treatments and medication. The professionals who helped our son were incredibly committed and did the best they could, but the toolkit they have to work with is woefully inadequate. More research on the root causes of mental illness, and on more effective diagnosis and treatment, is the single most important need for many kids like our son. Second, the well-intentioned laws that protect the medical privacy of adults (18 years old or over) also prevent parents and other loved ones from taking an active role in treatment of the mentally ill. By definition, a person suffering from mental illness cannot make sound decisions about therapy and medication. There are few more excruciating pains than seeing your son or daughter suffer, but not being able to be fully involved in their treatment. Changes to laws that allow medical professionals, in consultation with loved ones, to be able to take more control over treatment would potentially save lives.
11
Maybe, just maybe we need to learn why the suicide rate has risen over 30% in this country and twice that rate for teenagers.
In addition to looking for symptoms of someone who might commit suicide, look for the cause and try to remedy the cause.
3
"the pain is real, but not forever"
Some pain is forever.
Not for Brooks to say otherwise.
13
As a therapist who's worked with hundreds of seriously depressed people, I commend you on this article.
I would, however, recommend that you reconsider the title: "fighting" suicide--or suicidal feelings--isn't the message you want to send.
4
"People contemplating suicide are often in the grips of a temporary mood catastrophe, to which they unfortunately see a permanent solution."
Many people contemplating suicide have been in the grips of Major Depressive Disorder for years. Their depression is not temporary, and they usually have tried many solutions. It is called treatment resistant depression.
7
Please STOP repeating the horribly wrong, yet catchy, phrase "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts and treatment-resistant depression for over 25 years now--and will likely for the rest of my life. There's nothing temporary about that, and saying so is incredibly insulting, frustrating, and honestly, infuriating.
I'm also insulted that you took a serious mental health topic like suicide and had to throw gun politics in there. It did nothing to further the discussion.
Going forward, I really think only health professionals with extensive experience in the field should be writing about and guiding the public on how to properly handle suicide in our society.
7
Mr. Brooks, thank you for writing about this subject - one of the most difficult subjects there is. It's true, most people avoid discussing suicide, and know very little about it.
I need to correct you - it's important. We don't refer to those that have lost their lives, or died my suicide, as having 'committed suicide' - it harks back to an era when suicide was considered a sin or a crime. It's important to note that distinction.
Mental health first aid has been expanding out to schools, businesses, religious and community organizations...it's critical.
Awareness is the most important aspect - to be knowledgeable of the mental health issues which could result in one taking their own life.
Those who have serious mental health issues don't want to live, but they don't want to die either. They believe there is no one that understands...no one that can hear them...no one that cares.
For every individual who attempts to take their life, there are hundreds who live with suicidal thoughts every day,
They are mentally challenged, and find it difficult to function in society. Depression, isolation and anxiety creates a mental cloud they cannot see clearly through.
We all need to reexamine suicide - why, as a society, it's still shunned - and buried with those who are no longer with us.
It's very sad - I think it's the saddest thing that can happen to someone. It's a pain of unbearable intensity, and we need to recognize the signs in order to prevent.
6
Our young adult son was actively suicidal 15 months ago, not for the first time. But after dealing with my sister's recent suicide, we knew what to do this time. We decided not to try one thing after another, but to try it all: different meds, different kinds of therapy, nutrition, coaches, ketamine, TMS, finally ECT, and lots of focused family involvement. Now he is better than he has ever been, using many fewer resources, and the results are spectacular compared to our previous efforts. This is because we had the good fortune to finally be able to afford to provide him with the the care he needed for his individual combination of issues. It took tens of thousands of dollars to do this. How many people can afford This? We could not in the past. Good mental health care is scarce, often unavailable, and very expensive. Our retirement will be more frugal, but our son is alive.
457
@Mlc Want to prevent suicide? Create a physical environment that is beautiful, inspiring: don't deny Global Warming, but enjoy the sunsets. And create also a social milieu that is loving, hopeful, positive. And do all this ALL THE TIME, so that people don't live in places of quiet desperation, nor children go to schools that are drab and dirty. But above all, do this ALL THE TIME, not just when troubling signs appear. The best way to prevent suicide is the enjoyment of life.
6
@Mlc: Good for your son, good for you as parents. Suicide is not only a national health concern, it is a national security concern. You were fortunate to have the financial wherewithal to wrestle with your son’s issues. Now ask yourself, “Are we alone?” No, you’re not.
Could (or would) an uncaring, differently-prioritized Republican Congress bestir itself to move towards more affordable healthcare? They and theirs have been guaranteed gold-plated health insurance—for life. But when someone else is suffering, well, that’s their lookout. I can’t begin to imagine the cost of treatments and therapy and medications for your son; you said “tens of thousands.” One would think that with the Republicans getting free “socialized” healthcare that, “Christians” that they claim to be, they would want it for everyone. Or am I being obtuse? Someone on The Hill or in the West Wing has a loved one who is trying to deal with issues of suicide. We need to talk about this—like we don’t talk about other squeamish topics. Here’s hoping that your son is out of the danger zone.
14
@Mlc
Wonderful that you honorably and correctly valued your son over all else. Some do not.
12
Thank you for publishing this. I’m 17, a senior in high school, and a classmate of mine took his own life a couple of weeks ago. As a community, though we all have said “please reach out if you are hurting” and “there’s always someone to listen,” in social media posts, nobody is talking about what happened in real life. There was an announcement he had passed and everyone wore yellow to school, but then... nothing. The counseling department put up flyers that read, “Not ready to talk?” and point students to online reading materials. We aren’t saying the word suicide. We aren’t talking about what actually happened, how it could happen, what we as a community ought to do. There are smiles and hugs for his friends but when you see someone crying and ask how they’re doing the answer is still “I’m okay.” We need to do what this article says, and talk about suicide. Frankly and openly. Because we miss it even if we’re looking, we have to start talking and listening.
401
Condolences to you and your classmates. As you’ve so poignantly described, part of the problem is that people don’t know what to say or do, and so they end up saying and doing ... nothing. I just wanted to suggest, you can be the one who starts the conversation. Say what’s really on your mind. Anything you say out loud, I guarantee you’re not the only person in the room who’s had that thought. Sometimes it only takes one person who is brave enough to say the words out loud, to get people feeling safe enough to open up and talk and re-connect. (Sometimes of course people just really don’t want to talk, and that has to be respected as well.) Words can heal and I hope you and your friends find ways to talk about everything that’s happened.
35
@Claire
Thank you for sharing. There was another suicide at another Atlanta high school about a year ago and a parent said to me "we aren't saying suicide." Why? why not say it? How else do we get people the help that they need.
11
@Claire: Friend of mine used to say if you get up in the morning, see with 2 eyes and walk with 2 legs, are MOBILE, you're ahead of the game!Mr. Brooks writes like a high school guidance counselor: Those are the words that encapsulate his thinking, no disrespect where none is intended!
The sub rosa of this essay is the complex socio-economic decision nowhere discussed here to steer people to low cost peer group solutions for suicidality, and a rejection of professional help. A good and experienced psychotherapist gives the at risk person that sense of "connection" that Brooks says himself is so crucial to prevent suicide. Psychotherapists are experts in connecting with empathy and compassion and understanding. Brooks rejects such professionals out of hand without even discussing why.
I suspect the reason is that he feels psychotherapy is too costly for the masses. Brooks intentions are good, but it hides the connections to health insurance and the social safety net which are always reduced to the point of destroyed by republicans in congress. Tax cuts for the super rich is their choice, the de facto choice of Mr. Brooks as well, until he renounces them formally.
Universal health care includes mental health care. This is the political economic crisis not faced in this folksy homespun answer to suicidality. The people are left to fend for themselves thanks to the philosophy of the GOP.
14
I'm sure Mr. Brooks is well-meaning with his comments, but I simply cannot get over his breathtaking hypocrisy.
He recognizes that thoughts of suicide may well be brought on by chemical imbalances in the brain, but apparently believes "reaching out" will help any suicidal person. He downplays mental health resources which have been proven, time after time, to help those with serious depression.
Perhaps he believes that mental health services, like tuition or payoffs to private universities, should be reserved for the well-to-do, and thus he has no need to mention these to all of us, the unwashed masses.
I speak from personal experience. I have suffered from depression for over thirty years. I had two older relatives (uncle and grandfather) commit suicide when they were young. Unfortunately, I couldn't pick my genes, and I am not wealthy.
I'm here to tell anyone, though, that mental health treatment, including counseling and medication, have helped me tremendously. It breaks my heart that many other people are suffering like I did, but are offered nothing but these cheap bromides in place of health care resources they really need.
You care about all these tens of thousands of young people out there with depression, Mr. Brooks? How about writing columns advocating for health care for all of our citizens, regardless of personal wealth? That would be a meaningful start. Until then, your "feel good" platitudes mean nothing.
634
@Cooper Hawkes
My younger brother committed suicide five years ago and there is not a day that goes by when I don't wonder if reaching out one more time would have changed things. This wasn't a political-healthcare agenda column, it was straight-up human. Kudos to Mr. Brooks for writing it.
104
@Didi: I'm very sorry for your loss. But I agree with Cooper Hawks that it should be a healthcare agenda column. People often need multiple people reaching out to them in a myriad of ways; this includes not just family and friend but also having easy affordable access to various levels of mental health assistance (whether talk therapy, medications, support groups, etc.) David Brooks often relies on the neighbor connection as the 'best' answer instead of social policy and political initiatives. We need universal healthcare, and that includes access to mental health services.
147
@Cooper Hawkes
I think Mr. Brooks deserves credit for talking about the issue when many, if not most, ignore it. My father hung himself 23 years ago, I still walk around with a medically-unexplained lump in my throat all these years later. Most people that know about my dad feel awkward talking about it and don't talk about it, including my own family. Mr. Brooks is addressing a substantial societal issue and taboo.
While it is a fair criticism that he omitted other remedies and even fair to mention health care generally, calling him hypocritcal is inappropriate.
Thank you Mr. Brooks for trying to help and I hope you continue to write on this important subject, as those of us that benefit from the thoughts greatly appreciate them.
136
Suicide is an act not a disease. The reasons people want to die can be very different. People who kill themselves may do so impulsively in a state of hopeless despair. They may do so after obsessing over death and becoming dead for most of their lives. They may face a long and agonizing terminal illness. The point is that suicide can be prevented with more or less difficulty depending upon the circumstances about any particular person.
Some suicidal people are quite open about their obsession and more likely to do it when they are less seriously depressed. Others just find themselves in a dark place that seems to leave them with no choice but to act on impulse, and probably could be convinced not to do so. A few suicidal people are actually not depressed but enraged and might as easily murder as kill themselves. Still others want to end the suffering of a terminal illness which is disintegrating them relentlessly.
To really help a person who may commit suicide, one needs to know that person rather well. One may in an emergency try generally applicable responses that have seemed to work well or in more cases than not. But preventing suicides probably requires far more than what can be done in an emergency.
4
I hate to bring trump into this conversation, but I can say my mental health has never been so bad since the nightmare of the election. How can I not feel hopeless? I’m serious, I hear his voice on the radio saying something horrible and waves of sadness pound me down. I’ve never had a major depressive episode, but I’m meeting the criteria now.
11
@Diane
I would feel as you do, but I do not listen to him. To the extent I believe I should be informed of something he has done, I read about it later. That serves as a kind of filter. I certainly don't listen to (or even read about) his tweets. I am not advising ignorance, but self-protection is important.
2
Everything you propose, Mr. Brooks, requires the engagement of another person - or a community or family - who is there and cares, asks questions, provides support, asks the person to make plans or lists.
I am guessing that when someone gets to that point, no one is there.
We live in a selfish, greedy, callous culture. Nothing is more emblematic of that than the rise of Donald Trump who cares about no one but himself, who will cheat, threaten, insult, mock, bully or shout over anyone he doesn't like, who is of no use to him.
This is our society now.
Perhaps you don't understand the state of our society as well as you think you do.
9
"Ask them to journal their thoughts. Over time most of them will see that there is a compulsive voice in their head telling them that they are worthless and that there is no hope, and that this voice is a lying voice."
A man loses his job and is unable to find another. He begins to feel the pains of poverty. Maybe that breaks up his family. Constant rejection and burden. And it's not coming from an internal lying voice, but from his family and neighbors.
Asking him to journal his thoughts seems pointless. It won't assuage his sense of failure and worthlessness. It may reinforce it.
What he needs is the occupation that in our society provides a sense of value and worth.
8
People kill themselves for various reasons, and one of the most important is they are simply bored because of the banalities of daily life, the tedious chores, the dreary commute to work, uninteresting social connections, the disgusting health issues, sickening physical, political and social environment, and so on. Habitual cynicism is the first symptom of a potential suicide. Painkilling medications like OxyContin that addicted thousands upon thousands of Americans led them first to a staggered suicide that kept stifling their can-do spirit over a period of time, and then eventually to overdosing and a terminal suicide. Ennui is a poison channeling many weak people towards ending life by undertaking risk-laden activity such as boozing excessively, overdosing on drugs and living recklessly in the hope that it would end their otherwise uninteresting life. Each one of us has to find out something we are passionate about, including uplifting fallen people any which way, making our surroundings pleasant and cheerful, and overcoming any pointlessness in life. Robust mental and physical health is a must.
My seven decade long life-experience shows that a round of daily yoga and breathing exercises will keep you in robust wellness even as they keep you happy and very cheerful even as you face challenges and undertake tasks in fulfillment of salutary ambitions. There is never a single dull moment! There are always one too many irons in the fire keeping us busy in a happy way.
2
Mr. Brooks, after reading your book "The Road to Character" and now this article, you continue to demonstrate a profound understanding of the human condition. I lost a sister and my wife to suicide so I believe the advice you give can greatly benefit those who are dealing with the risk or who are living with the consequences of this terrible illness.
3
Suicide is not just an individual issue as portrayed here.
We as a civilization are facing annihilation from climate change in the very short term, despite the idiotic denials of leaders like President Bad Boy and his political and corporate cabal. That obviously diminishes the value and excitement of life.
When I was growing up, we faced many social challenges, not least wars, the struggle for civil rights, famine, et al, but we never considered the future as less than bright.
Climate change and totalitarianism have changed the equation.
The world has been hijacked by a class of unspeakably evil powermongers who thought it cute to melt the glaciers so they could drill for the oil underneath. Today, the country with the most progressive leadership for the future, in terms of surviving climate change, is totalitarian China. America is leading our demise.
When you rob people, especially the young, of their dreams for the future, suicide looms larger. The answer is not just telephone help lines but grabbing back the reins of society from the self-dealing criminals now in charge, and restoring a unified society that realizes that "a rising tide raises all boats" is not just a pretty homily but an essential means to survival.
4
I have a tough disease--Parkinson's Disease. This is a disease forever-- two pills, four times a day forever. Luckily for me, I'm 84, not 64 but I have a good friend who is 64 who has the same deal as I do. So far any thought of taking my life is countered by my family--what would this do to them? I have a trainer who put the pills in perspective for me. I complained about taking them until I die and he said--"And you have to drink water until you die.
5
I would be pretty scared to try to be a counselor to a suicidal person.
Listening, trying to understand, trying to validate the person - all that is good, but I am not smart enough to help. Suggest they journal their thoughts? Get them to understand the contours of their pain? I am not even close to qualified to do that without damage.
I'd rather some real suggestions about how to get a person to talk to the people who can help - people smarter and better trained and more skilled than I.
Caring and listening might not be enough.
55
@Cathy
If you're living, you're human, you're qualified.
How do you counsel yourself?
2
Professionals who treat suicidal patients are always concerned about what they say and do with their patients. They know that they cannot control any patient outside of a hospital.
1
@Cathy
I don't think it's about being smart enough. You offer your care, you hear them out about why they have lost hope for something better. You offer empathy. But you don't have to guarantee they don't actually kill themselves because that is not in your control. Those counselors spend 1 hour with someone and the other 167 hours of the week they are not under the counselor's supervision.
4
When I was suicidal, I argued myself out of it by reasoning that I should not hurt anyone. Crashing into another car head on could be murder. But I did not want to hurt my father, either, so it would have to appear like an accident. I also wanted it certain to kill, and relatively quick and painless, and could not work out a method. Throwing yourself in front of a subway train is vile: the driver sees you die.
At another time, I considered the beauty of my hand. I did not like killing spiders: how could I kill something as complex and beautiful as my hand?
Suicidal thoughts are common, and we are filled with shame. We should talk about these things. We should tell each other how much we love and value each other.
148
@Abigail Maxwell
You found that you preferred to live. It's even better that you did so with your own thoughts. Those who have died by their own hands did not. Why not is the question.
2
Thank you for bringing to light a difficult subject. Both my father and a good friend of many years committed suicide within months of each other. Both used revolvers, and my father even attempted to shoot his beloved Jack Russell dog, which was saved by its nature -- his habit on not remaining still saved him. No one in the family wanted to speak about it or let everyone know. I insisted that we need to let his friends know and even suggested that any donations be made to the suicide prevention foundation. No one likes to speak about suicide, but we need to bring this subject to light in order to better understand it and to work towards helping those who are in need.
2
When I started training to become a psychiatrist [in Ohio] there were four psychiatric inpatient units for adults and two state run hospitals providing care in my city. The person in your story lives in Oregon which ranks in the bottom 10% in terms of facilities for psychiatric care and which has minimal access for treatment for adolescents.
Recent articles about denial of benefits by insurance companies and pharmacy benefit managers plus the absence of staff and facilities have made treatment virtually unavailable across the country for most people.
Until training, facilities and our " system" begin to support mental health services, suicide rates will remain too high.
11
As a parent of a child who died by suicide, I find that any mention in the media important. The thoughts and processes in here are simplistic, and there is a lot more to this than what is written here. Thank you Mr. Brooks for bringing it up. However, not mentioning the places to get much more detailed information about what an individual can really accomplish is a loss. Institutions such as AFSP have done the research and have the means to help society understand and help curb the numbers of suicide loss. I spend time each year speaking to teenagers about my experiences and what they can do to help their classmates. I do not have the experience to help male adults (the highest numbers of successful suicides), but know I need to leave that to the experts.
4
I have already seen this point made, but I would like to add my voice to it.
Seeing a column by someone without expertise in the field giving advice about how to deal with someone who is actively suicidal is inappropriate, no matter how well meaning. I like reading political analysis, but pundits have a very poor track record in predicting political outcomes, which is the subject area in which they are most qualified. Moving into the world of medicine is irresponsible.
7
@Charles Berk
Having lost two members of our family to this dreaded disease, I must state that I do not agree with you. Survivor groups should be managed by those who have experienced the same loss, but this does not include columnists. All human beings need to think, write, and converse on the subject. Besides, how do you know that Mr. Brooks has not have a degree of expertise, or for that matter, has not lost a family member or close friend?
2
@Charles Berk
In principle, I agree with you. However, giving attention to a great social problem and offering advice that encourages people to share their feelings and concerns is very helpful and constructive. So I think that Brooks has done a positively good act.
Suicide is considered a mental health issue. Is suicide a distinct mental health condition or a symptom of one or more mental health conditions? As we learn more about the brain, the physical causes of mental health conditions and how to treat the physical causes of mental health conditions, knowing whether suicide is a condition or a symptom may lead to more effective prediction and prevention of suicide.
6
@OldBoatMan
This is a very important point. Several years ago I went to a psychotherapist because of anxiety caused by extreme fatigue and myriad other but hard to categorize physical symptoms. I was experiencing guilt about not feeling physically up to the challenges of life and expressed those feelings to the therapist. Instead of exploring potential physical causes, she immediately prescribed antidepressants, which made me ill, and proceeded with the usual probing of childhood psychological experiences, which seemed irrelevant. Turns out I had late-stage Lyme Disease, which needed medical treatment, and I learned that many individuals with Lyme respond poorly to antidepressants. The separation of physical and mental health is a false one, and physical causes of anxiety and depression should not be overlooked.
2
Hi @OldBoatMan, To answer your question of whether suicide is a condition or a symptom, it is definitely a symptom of one or more underlying mental health issues and when combined with social issues, it can quickly turn into a hopeless situation for that person. I'm not a mental health professional but just someone that fights suicidal thoughts everyday. I wasn't always like this. I have only been battling this for 1 year. I spent my first 56 years with no suicidal thoughts or feelings whatsoever, so I'm still learning about this and probably will be for the rest of my life.
There are quite a few clinical and educational Psychologist that are studying the causes and trying to create some kind of predictive models that will accurately predict when someone is at risk of suicide. One such person is Thomas E. Joiner, Ph.D., a professor of Psychology at Florida State University. Here is a link to a YouTube video of a lecture that he gave back in 2016. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DESRIZtUIT4
@N
The old problem of people trying to solve the problem presented like the problems already solved without paying attention to the details presented. Wrong organs have been removed from people due to this kind of carelessness.
As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker for 25 years I've had 2 patients commit suicide in my private practice. I Dx them both with major depression as listed in the DSM. It was devastating to me. I treated both pro bone and did my best to find a psychiatrist or educated doctors who would see them and provide inexpensive antidepressants for both of them;they were both broke and out of work. All my patients who consider suicide are in a great deal of psychological pain and feeling considerable shame. This must be assessed quickly. This comes from years of training. Many patient will not admit to suicidal thought to me or anyone as they are afraid of being reported & arrested they'll be put in a psy ward. These wards are mostly awful places where minimal care is provided as the patient is indigent. They are often released early due to high medical costs. More available professional mental heath wards need to be available and i hospitals the treatment can't be rushed in order to save money.
David, you shouldn't write about something your not trained in and your article should have been about the need for free treatment services. Your a GOP'er and your party had done what it can to destroy vital service for these people who are suffering.
22
@kilika
Thanks.
He speaks about a values problem, and totally ignores the major values problem: the lack of human values in the Republican party ideology.
While it is good to give advice to people about recognition of suicide risk and intervention, people NEED professional help and many do not and can not get it.
I had met with teens who hovered in suicidality -- their parents were not in a state to be guiding them, and they desperately needed some neutral professional help -- and sometimes - often - medical treatment for depression.
The inclination to commit suicide IS at times impulsive -- but it is equally or more often something that has been on someone's radar as a solution for their pain for months, maybe years. Parents are very threatened ( which makes sense) but thus often unable to listen to the truth from their kids as the kids see it - and first they have to be heard before anyone can assist them in seeing alternatives and hope.
7
@kilika
How do you now someone is thinking of suicide when he says nothing about it, and even denies that he is? Why would he admit to suicidal thoughts when he knows he'd be locked up in a psych ward with other distraught patients?
The very idea of wards full of such people is hellish.
1
I applaud Brooks for tackling this difficult subject. I disagree with many of his suggestions. First of all, it's not anyone's "job" to help people contemplating suicide to cope. You are virtually helpless when it comes to helping people. Many people who kill themselves are already getting professional help. If the professionals fail them, how can you expect yourself to succeed? It is dangerous to assume any responsibility in these matters since the person who spoke with a suicide completer prior to their death is apt to blame themselves for failing to respond "properly" -- whatever that means. Chemical imbalances are merely unproven theories. The biological realities of depression are uncertain and probably vary from one person to the next. What is more important from a public health perspective is to look at the sociologic, toxicologic and economic underpinnings of suicide and depression. Unemployment, poverty, social dislocation, low social cohesiveness, exposure to EMF, mold, and viruses have all been implicated in a variety of mental disturbances. How to address these is complex and likely beyond the scope of political intervention, but public health officials are in a position to initiate interventions to address at least some of these risk factors.
6
Unmentioned in this article is that men commit suicide 3.5x more than women.
This basic fact is rarely mentioned because it's not congruent with the more common narratives of men having it all.
It may not help for men to turn to psychologists if the recent APA guidelines are any indication of the profession. If you go beyond the headlines and actually read the document, you'll come away with the impression that it's men's fault.
It's steeped in feminist theory and uses feminist textbooks to explain why men are troubled. It includes calls for men to abandon their privilege and stop being mean to more oppressed identity groups.
It reminds me of how women were treated by doctors back in the 1950s where their concerns were attributed to hysteria or perhaps not focusing enough on being good wives and mothers.
We're not going to get at the heart of this problem if we continue to ignore or blame the victims.
10
One reason more men actually commit suicide is, from what I've read, due to their choice of means that are likely to be to be lethal, as opposed to things which are less certain.
Such as: using a gun vs taking an overdose.
2
@Matt Please read carefully so as not to spread disinformation. Brooks DOES say that men die at higher rates than women. The APA guidelines DO NOT in any way suggest that men are to blame for their mental illnesses; in fact, the guidelines state that men need to be watched and cared for because they are less likely to admit vulnerability and to seek help. Mental illness is serious. Discussing suicide is important. We all need to help each other.
2
@HildaMae I’ll let other readers come to their own conclusions. Here’s the link.
https://bit.ly/2Miaj05
The document is full of feminist buzzwords. So technically, Feminism doesn’t blame men. It blames the patriarchy and the men who support and benefit from it. It then says “traditional masculinity” is the root of all evils.
As a sample, here’s the document’s definition of “privilege” which takes pains to highlight “white men”. The source is Peggy McIntosh who wrote an opinion paper and makes no pretense that it’s at all scientific.
“PRIVILEGE: Privilege refers to unearned sources of social status, power, and institutionalized advantage experienced by individuals by virtue of their culturally valued and dominant social identities (e.g., White, Christian, male, and middle/upper class; McIntosh, 2008).“
What man wants a psychologist to point out his anxieties are derivative of his privilege as a white, male, Christian? Why is this point from an anecdotal gender studies opinion paper even in here?
Teachers are seeing more and more depression in teenagers in recent years. The smart phone revolution has produced isolation and emotional experiences that children are simply too young to process. Combine this with the utter dissolution of the nuclear family and we have created a recipe for psychological disaster.
8
Following my brother's suicide 24 years ago, I tried to deal with it through reading whatever I could lay my hands on that dealt with the subject. I couldn't find much, but I have not forgotten this statement from a survivor: When someone you love commits suicide, they hang their skeleton in your closet.
Many of life's difficulties, setbacks and painful events can be overcome, but the death of a loved one by their own hand is not one of them. All one can do is to slowly build up enough spiritual muscle to carry the pain, because it will not go away. A sense of guilt for not doing enough, not seeing it coming, not doing or saying the right things to prevent a loved one from killing themselves will also prevail, no matter how often you are told that it wasn't your fault or how many learned experts tell you that.
The aftermath of suicide is not anything like losing someone to cancer, a car accident or old age. People are so uncomfortable with the subject that, at least in my family's experience, there are no casseroles delivered, no condolence cards sent, and very few acknowledgements of any kind that something profoundly tragic has happened.
We need to remove the taboos and the "unspeakability" factor, before suicide occurs and after it has. People's lives hang in the balance--the ones that are precariously perched on the edge of the abyss and the ones that have to figure out how to carry on once the unthinkable has happened.
27
A powerful article. Thanks for writing it and introducing us to Agnes. She sounds like a wonderful Mom who has suffered through unimaginable pain. No parent should ever ever have to deal with the loss of a child. Perhaps you could let her know somehow that her courage and resolve inspires others.
5
Spend one's final few years in a potentially debilitated state, kept alive by a healthcare system that takes your every last dollar or end your life earlier in a more humane way and leave your estate to better purposes? I imagine for an increasing number of people, the latter will be more appealing. It certainly is to me.
18
Suicide rates increase, as does the number of psychiatrists. I don't mean to imply a causation here. I only mean to say that addressing the problem only in terms of "mental health" and "mental health professionals" will not do.
We have to think collectively. Yes, in terms of the social fabric. In terms of love. We can't outsource peoples' suffering to just the "professionals," or reduce complex emotional/spiritual ailments to the realm of medicine. People live in societies, among peers. Everyone can help everyone. Everyone needs to help everyone, or none of us will make it. Every moment of love is vital.
Less focus should be put on these phantom chemical balances. The entire concept of the chemical imbalance is but an ad hoc hypothesis, with pharmaceutical dough very much behind it. Sure, antidepressants help many (and hurt others). But they hardly seem to address to real problem, the real source of angst.
What a sad and heartwarming article. There is always hope. There are lives to come.
6
I have had several acquaintances commit suicide, and know of many more who have been suicidal. I also have fistfuls of friends with serious depression.
To me, the rising rate points to societal changes, rather than individual shortcomings. Isolation, the ways that technology can hinder emotional growth and allow one to stuff every moment of boredom with something, increasing access to opioids, economic insecurity, and more. This is a tough time.
I now live in Hong Kong, and there are suicide problems here, particularly due to stress in primary and secondary schools. But I also see that people here live in much closer proximity, often with family, and are lead lives that seem far more social. For me, doing things with others, and doing things for others, being socially engaged and giving a little something to the world, always helps me to feel a bit better.
I also believe deeply in the value of spending time with friends. I have a regular Saturday morning hang out with ex-pats, and we talk through life, our challenges, or experiences, etc. A bit of coffee and conversation makes a huge difference, as does knowing that, whatever I'm going through, I'm not going through it alone.
Thanks for writing this, and for every gracious and caring act that helps to spread a bit more love and connection.
26
Western folkways are in an accelerated state of dehumanisation. We are all enduring a greater degree of anomie with the crumbling of so many institutions whose root injustice and hypocrisy cannot be denied. The traditional nuclear family, institutions of higher education, representative democracy and organised religion : many former rocks of stability and reliability disintegrating before our eyes, transforming all of us into existential heroes out of a Sartre novel. Unfortunately we do not all possess the cool detachment to accept so much mediocrity as par for the course.
6
I remember somewhere Sarte wrote "Hell is other people." I suppose it had something to do with how they impinge on our "freedom." I think that's exactly right although maybe not how Sarte meant: Hell is the absurd struggle of continually defining our personal good in opposition to those we are most dependent upon for achieving it - other people.
Good on you David, for embracing such a worthwhile cause and advocating for community and a world that we all share, one not driven by hate and violence but love and acceptance.
5
There are concrete steps to reducing suicide, but also to reducing other mental health dysfunction. The main key is to provide universal health care. ObamaCare started the process in that it requires health insurance to cover mental health conditions commensurate with physical ones, but we can go further to raise coverage to the level of a zero deductible requirement. We must also destigmatize the use of mental health services with adequate privacy protection for health records as well. Beyond that, getting to the root of mental health dysfunction means removing its cause - despair. Economic polarization, inadequate and unaffordable public education, and a poor social safety net all engender that despair. Investing in these solutions (beginning with electing legislators who have forthrightly stated these ideas in their platforms) is not just the right thing to do; it would be the best way to make all of us safer and happier in our homes and communities.
19
Despair is not as horribly influenced by cell phones and social disconnection as it is the hopelessness of age and chronic illness and the certain knowledge that the ACA, Medicaid, and Medicare are being undermined and destroyed. Despair that the number of jobs and hours worked are hopelessly inadequate to provide for on’e family.
Yes, attend to friends and relatives and neighbors but fight with every fiber in your being to end the tyranny of greed that fosters helplessness and champion the programs like Medicare and Medicaid and the ACA that give hope to the sick and their families.
5
You do bring up a lot of good points about insurance and societal issues. One of the main issues I see with the treatment of mental illness in the US, and I'm sure in many other countries is, the medical system is setup to be very transactional. That works for the treatment of most illnesses we as human beings are afflicted with. When it comes to mental illness, it is imperative that patients be acknowledged as valuable individuals and not be treated as just another patient number. The reason this is important is because, mental health patients have a tendency to isolate themselves from society due to the stigmatization of mental illness itself. Destigmatization of mental illness will never happen until we as a society accepts it as with any other disease such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes. etc.... When someone has an illness such as cancer, everybody is tripping over each other trying to help that person. When people find out you have mental illness, they treat you like you have the plague.
4
I think one cannot generalize about how to prevent suicide, because there are simply too many different triggers and different situations. I've worked in psychiatry with suicidal patients, and I've known friends and family who've attempted suicide and some who have completed it. Some suicides are impulsive like Harrison, others are planned months or even years ahead. Some people threaten for years and others seem happy and content in their lives and never give a clue of their intention. Some seek a quick end of a physical decline, some are committed in retaliation for a perceived or actual wrong, some result from profound unrelenting depression, others because of an unbearable loss. A close friend of mine, a happy and successful professional, killed himself because he was facing a forced retirement and could not imagine a life without his work. Thinking that some or most suicides can be prevented puts a terrible burden on survivors who condemn themselves for not having noticed the signs, understood, and helped.
8
I've noticed that when I spend too much time indoors, I start to get depressed. As soon as I go out into the sunshine for a walk, I start feeling great when I look at the trees and birds and greet others. Perhaps we need to get away from our devices and interact more with life instead of looking for artificial solutions. Our brains need to have more contact with nature.
31
I have bipolar disorder, and I have tried to commit suicide several times and ended up in psychiatric hospitals. In my case, when depression is really bad, I hear voices and then a plan for suicide emerges. Were I not on the medication that I'm on, I am sure that I would have succeeded. Even now, I have a plan, and I am in relatively good shape. One thing that I can say is that each suicide is different, and the reasons for suicide are different. I don't know how much one can generalize. It is impossible to understand why a person commits suicide. In my case, I come to a point where there is no logical difference between being alive and being dead, and so the question "why stay alive" seems logical. Unfortunately, I have no profound insights to offer. I think that family members must deal with a suicide in their own way, as the author has suggested. I don't think that talking to peers would help someone like me, whose problems is brain chemistry and unfortunate genes. Also, the mental health system is extremely difficult to navigate, especially when one lives outside psychiatric hubs such as New York City. And the price for treatment can be daunting. I have seen psychiatrists in New York, out of network, who charge $700 an hour. One wonders if they really care about keeping people alive at those rates.
23
Thank you for writing this article, Mr. Brooks.
I'm told that "die by suicide" is a better way to say it than "commit suicide," as the latter refers both to sin and to illegality. In any case, it's a huge public health issue.
9
It is obvious that people experiencing mental health disorders must seek help for therapy and medication. How many readers know the difficulty of navigating a health care system, for mental health issues and appointments, that segregates mental health care from care from other physiological disorders? Yes, mental health is also physiological (neurotransmitter imbalances, for an example), but stigma has perpetuated it as not deserving of the same timely and accessible care given to more "acceptable" (and profitable) health care issues. Medical and nursing programs provide minimal mental health education and exposure to patients in mental health facilities. Primary care doctors and mid-level providers (nurse practitioners and physician assistants) should be educated, trained and required to support health care promotion and interventions for mental health disorders as equally as other medical disorders. Clinic schedules should accommodate in a timely manner appointments for patients needing mental health assessment and initial medication if necessary, and then a referral to a specialist, just as schedules accommodate persons with cardiovascular disease, diabetes and other non-stigmatized disorders, prior to referrals to specialists. People with mental health disorders should not have to wait until they are in crisis to seek help at an in-patient facility or ER, due to delays and barriers in scheduling appointments for care when their acuity is lower. Stigma needs to stop.
11
It is essential that the infant bond emotionally with the mother and vice versa. It is a life or death business. It appears that this process is mediated by certain hormones some in the mother who literally falls in love with the child and some as well in the child. Once through the first few years children can focus much more on friends and some other adults (latency period) but when we hit our early teens the original bonding response resurfaces under hormonal influences and those old desperate feelings of needing that life and death relationship are reawakened. The teenagers finds themselves reexperiencing the needy feelings in a new context. They fall in "love", often with people they barely know and who barely know them(in fact it may be that the response is mainly directed at those they don't know well). The relationship is doomed and the teen or young adult experiences the emotions of the infant they once were. Hopelessness and rage. They cannot understand and they certainly can't be expected to share this with anyone. It feels as if it will last forever but also seems ultimately foolish.
It can be a truly agonizing experience and it is little wonder that some seek the ultimate relief.
It is perhaps best if children are prepared for this ahead of time for once they enter the romantic phase it is all too real to them.
The romantic song lyrics of the 1930's through today often can be seen as a cry to the mother figure in disguise.
6
We all have the right to self determination which includes what the arc of our lives will be. I certainly think people who are depressed should be offered help but I also think that in the end, the decision is theirs to make concerning all aspects of their lives.
If someone is in horrible pain and you deny relief to that person, are you 100% certain that your reasons are truly in that person's best interests? Unless you have experienced the extreme agony of deep, wrenching depression you are just guessing at what is best. It is understandable that people are uncomfortable with someone else taking his own life but it is also important to realize that you might be guilt-tripping that person into a life of misery, forcing him/her to "hang in there" simply because you don't understand. We are not all the same, there is no reason we all have to live by some cultural norm. At some point we need to respect that.
16
@Scott Werden Are you really saying that (like a woman's right to choose), the suicidal person has the right to die if they want to? And are you distinguishing between and end of life decision, such as someone with DNR orders that wants a kavorkian way out, or that all suicidal individuals have the inherent right to die if they want to? If that is your point, you are WAY off the mark and know not what you talk about. Having lost a brother to suicide I can speak with some authority. Granted if I or anyone were in a health related terminal life condition, they or I should have a living will that says they would choose doctors assisted suicide- but all other suicides are this- A Permanent solution to a temporary problem.
6
How does one know whether the pain and suffering cannot be relieved? Just because it has persisted for a long time does not mean that is incurable. It might only seem so. Suicide is an act that allows no reconsideration.
2
@cagy
You can only speak with "authority" about your own feelings with regard to suicide. You can't speak for the person who wanted to die and found a way to accomplish that.
And those living wills are worthless. You will lie there in agony, surrounded by stink and noise and ignorance. And witless nattering about how precious life is.
1
My daughter tried to commit suicide at 17 but thankfully we came home in time. I spent the next years in fear that I would open my front door, come up the stairs, and find my only child dead. It was very hard to find the right help for her, and only possible because we had insurance and savings. So many people turned away - so called friends and even a family member who I thought was closer to me than anyone. I had to dig deep to find the strength to keep going. Education about depression is key. So is funding for mental health. Thank you for your piece. It is appreciated.
32
@Kathy
The fact that people turn away or don't know what to say or may have some underlying terror that if they acknowledge it, it could happen to them, is one reason why professionals are important resources. And why funding and mandated coverage for mental health is so important.
If suicide is a possibility for a loved one and especially a young person, that person needs help immediately, from dedicated and knowledgeable people. That's no knocking peer support, which is important. It's just that - especially for a teen - hours can be important, and days too long a wait.
1
Thank you for this beautiful and on-point article! As a clinical psychologist for 35 years, mostly in competitive, new york city, I learned from the pain of my patients everything David Brooks discusses, the hyper individualistic values of our status obssessed culture, the awful isolation and loneliness of those, so often our best and brightest, who judge themselves too harshly, the gifted, sensitive young who feel so deeply . As suicides surge on college campuses( two last month at Claremont-Mckenna, ) , I dont see these wealthy elite schools learning what they need to do. They could start by humbling themselves and by reading this article for a start on how clueless they are. Study the problem schools, parents, get it through your heads that the kids, the people, most at risk are the ones least likely to ask for help, to take advantage of whatever counseling you are so proudly offering. Learn more, and then DO MORE.
18
A hyper-individualism embraced by too many young people has eliminated a sense of shared values, a common good, or a personal connection to family and community. No wonder so many young people feel isolated, alone and depressed. Humans are social beings; humans need deep connections to others. We thrive in social relationships but iGen and Millennial generations have been raised to distrust social institutions and to fear personal commitments like marriage, family and personal commitments.
5
@Garry That is a patently overgeneralized and unfounded condemnation of an entire generation.
Should we fight all suicides? Certainly if the contemplated suicide is an impulse or the result of a sudden loss or bad fortune, then that person should be given the opportunity to reconsider. But what if it is the result of a well thought out decision? It does not matter if you agree with the decision on not, it is not your life. What gives you or anyone the right to dictate the terms of a person's life? Is the fact that someone wants to end their life prima facie evidence of mental illness? Says who? Isn't the ability to end your own life on your terms, the final freedom?
I enjoy my life, but I am in my mid 60's and have therefore seen people die very bad deaths because they were determined to hand on to the bitter end. It was bitter indeed. I have no wish to go through that, I will not go through that. When the quality of my life is no longer enjoyable, when it becomes a burden, I will move on. It will be my choice and mine alone. Death to me is no longer fearsome, what is fearsome is being hooked to beeping machines, trapped in your own body and not allowed to die. Yet even that is not forever, you may be able to keep my body alive, but I won't be there. I will, however, wave as I leave.
30
@Bruce1253
When Brooks writes, "Suicide is a societal problem," I fire up my outrage. And you've hit on the reason: Indeed, no one has the right to dictate the terms of a person's life.
I'm in my 80's now, and have been working on my plans to clean house (cats taken care of; who gets what, etc.) for a couple of years. Hoping I get the timing right and do a good job.
1
@Bruce1253
I think you meant ipso facto [evidence of mental illness].
Thanks for you comment, which includes valuable points.
The downgrading of professional help is sad.
Suicide is rarely some isolated event but usually reflects some serious mental disorder, most notably depression, that needs to be addressed.
The idea that peer counseling and sense of belonging is what's most important makes about as much sense as saying that they are most important for the treatment of cancer and diabetes. Yes, people with those diseases may benefit from peer counseling for lifestyle changes but they require professional help. So do those with suicidal thoughts.
Sadly, the emphasis on peer counseling and sense of belonging reinforces the view that people with mental disorders don't have real illnesses that need to be treated but simply have problems adjusting.
50
@Steve Professional help is oft out of reach financially and/or logistically. It's not that it's not important. But it is also not the final goal! Aren't belonging and well-being the goals? Professional help may be a leg of it, but other legs matter, too.
Having taught high school students who felt isolated in their status-focused world, rooted in a weakening social fabric, where many of the parents themselves buy into (and teach!) materialism and a go-it-on-your-own-for-yourself mentality or are at a loss about how to reach their teen, I object to David Brooks' thoughtful piece being (implicitly at least) cast as a downgrading of professional help.
At top public schools, I knew gifted students with obvious social skill who dropped out of school from anxiety, others who ended their own lives.
Young people need connection, a way to feel known and accepted for who they are, and a way to feel like impactful, purposeful agents in their own lives and world. While some also need help with biochemical issues, all need those core things.
Peer counseling and positive experiences of having an impact should be part of the school or extracurricular experience. Most teens spend far more time at school and with peers than with family. They are raising each other, blindly, while parents focus elsewhere.
In NYC, I oft see the warmth and personal ease of those from other countries where shared humanity ranks as a higher value than here. Let's reteach ourselves what others still know.
1
@HonorGrowth I followed the series of suicides in Palo Alto high schools a few years ago, and was struck by the kind of kids who were doing it. They were popular, successful, seemed to come from loving families. Several were at the center of close-knit school communities. Clinical depression is far more complicated and poorly understood than your simplistic description.
3
@Elizabeth Perhaps you misread my comment: "Professional help may be a leg of it, but other legs matter, too." There is nothing - nothing at all - simplistic about the fundamental truth that all humans share needs to feel connection, value and hope; and that teens and adults could be taught better to meet these needs together. Feelings of isolation, worthlessness and hopelessness -- as you may or may not know and I presume to make no characterization of your understanding as simplistic or biased, although perhaps you were a rushed or non-comprehending reader of my comment -- are all contributing factors to depression. Thus, it seems highly worthwhile to teach ourselves ways to create a milieu where they are less likely to occur. I speak from my own and others' experiences which are surely valid.
Before we can understand suicide we need to understand Depression and how it affects the brain.
Before we blame opoids, isolation, and other causes, we need to study depression.
12
You can find people to talk to by state at a site called Suicide Hotlines-When You Feel Like You Can’t Go On. These are individual crisis centers in the states. There is also the National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255.
My state, Montana,has the highest suicide rate in the country. I have called these numbers and found them helpful. My workplace had a policeman come talk to us about active shooters recently. Here is why I mention this. In the talk, he said that people should not hesitate to call 911 for concerns-that that was what it was there for. That is how I feel about the crisis and suicide hotline numbers . That is how the trained volunteers or professionals answering have always treated me-as if it was fine that I called.
I just wanted to say that. I have been helped by those numbers.
28
Love in abundance in these comments! Kindness and wisdom too. Lifts this heart of mine.
8
@JR- Your comment lifted *my* heart today. What a beautiful observation, and how awesome it is to choose a perspective that lets you see the love that surrounds us everywhere, even in the comments section of the New York Times. Thank you for sharing your attitude of gratitude!
2
The subtitle of Brooks' column reveals a fundamental problem I see with suicide prevention efforts: "keeping folks alive" as an end in itself. If an individual feels that life is not worth living, why should he or she be "kept" alive by others who have a different perspective on life? Not one of us actually consented to being born - that's impossible, of course, and it's still true that none of us did. If there was no opt-in mechanism, there should at least be an ability to opt out. Forcing others to endure an experience they never chose in the first place is cruel. We can, of course, prevent all suffering by not forcing others into existence (a risky state) in the first place. As someone trained in social work, I personally believe strongly in the value of human life. But equally important, in my eyes, is autonomy. And absolutely paramount is the prevention of suffering.
19
@NT
Yes, autonomy is fine. But to allow people to die from a treatable mental disorder makes about as much sense as letting them died from treatable cancer or heart disease.
Could there possibly be a connection between the epidemics of suicide (and opioids) and an economic system that fails more and more people, offering continually diminishing hope and opportunities? A system in which higher education is, for so many young people, a ticket to a lifetime of debt with limited and diminishing opportunities to service it, for which death is literally the only way out? A system that routinely discards middle-aged people, depriving them not only of sustenance but the identity and purpose that, for better or worse, was inextricably tied to their former, now-deceased, career? A system in which disheartened parents know their children will be worse off than they are, even as a few spectacularly wealthy people get even richer? A system in which more and more people live in constant fear of a layoff or medical condition that will render them permanently destitute?
Conservative commentators wring their hands over the decline of Family Values and Religion, which they blame for the moral decrepitude and cowardice of individuals who make the wrong choice of suicide. But they support a political party whose sole agenda is to promote the current economic system on behalf of their wealthy donors, seek even more entitled wealth at the expense of everyone else. It would not be surprising if those donors privately consider the suicide epidemic beneficial, as it means the problems they create are conveniently solving themselves.
78
@Ted
I feared that this discussion was going to turn to politics. I fully expect that someone in the comments below will tie suicide specifically to Trump, and feel they have rendered a particularly trenchant or funny commentary. They will not accomplish that.
However, social ties are critical, and I believe the left glosses over this entirely. Much research has shown that diversity actually *decreases* social cohesion in neighborhoods. There can be little doubt that suicide was far less frequent in the much-reviled 1950s, when the two biological parent family was the norm and diversity was not an exalted goal.
We have expanded the definition of family to include any loose concatenation of individuals who profess, for the time being at least, a common interest in children. We have exalted self-expression for adults over communal responsibility and commitment to children.
And we have made of marriage a transient thing, tolerating (if not embracing) infidelity as a desirable fact of life. That conservatives finally acquiesced to this is unfortunate, and hypocritical, but once society commences its downfall in earnest, everyone joins in.
Suicide means that people are not "tied in", to use a Mafia phrase. They become tied in through shared adherence to social norms and structures. We have jettisoned very many of them, replacing them with hair trigger SJW condemnations. It is not an encouraging picture.
3
@Ted This has been happening for years, and seems to be getting worse - despite a relatively healthy economy especially of late. Something else has changed, and it isn't about economics or politics.
Mr. Brooks has tried to address the issue, as much as he can in a few words, but as a life-long sufferer myself, it hints at a few of the things that actually do help (relationships, connections, a sense of hope, an understanding of the role of suffering as part of life, and growth, counseling, and an openmindedness to the concept of spirit.)
I don't know what made me this way. I thought it was "normal" to be suicidal when I was a kid. But I do know why I don't have a gun in the house (and I'm not anti-gun: I used to hunt rabbits as a kid in my country of origin - they're just not for me).
Suicide, as we say, is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But unfortunately, on those days when the darkness falls, it feels very permanent indeed. Very little can convince me, or other sufferers, otherwise. We just have to "act-as-if" until movement, connections, responsibilities, exercise, service, medication, or something else kicks in and the thoughts abate. Until next time...
My wife is the opposite. She literally cannot understand why/how I get that way, and I love her for that. She cannot imagine the darkness, so it helps me see it's just my own mind "acting up". And that helps.
9
@Wine Country Dude
How ironic: the commenter who "feared that this discussion was going to turn to politics" is the one who gives it a major shove in that direction.
And does it through a judicious application of racism, sexism, and probably a few more vile -isms.
Then wraps it up with an admiring nod to the mob.
I don't know how you might have done a better job.
But lets start with your stylish Trump imitation: "Much research has shown that diversity actually *decreases* social cohesion in neighborhoods."
Many people, the best people, feel you made a fool of yourself. However, being liberal and therefore brighter than many who are not, would likely allow you to resurrect your reputation if you could provide a few sound-bite-free citations.
Otherwise, yours is an egotistical diatribe against all the things that make you uneasy, make you angry, and set you on the road to making others' lives miserable enough they could just take drastic action to escape your hate and manufactured rage.
Speak up, Dude.
2
My family has never recovered from my brother's suicide now thirteen years ago. (And, well, neither has he - . Actually, he would have been the one to make this inappropriate joke.)
Of course there are more thoughts about suicide when you have been near it.
My own brushes with the feeling have been an emptiness and emotional pain that seem to override everything else.
How to step back from this?
In my experience, and what I saw with him, contact with people, a sense of purpose, a sense of being valuable, helped a lot. And perhaps also shift in focus: one in which happiness may not be the goal but rather a byproduct, the goal being survival. That is a very different focus than what is often hyped in our society.
29
A suicide crisis that nobody wants to talk about:
some 20 to 40% of young gay youth attempt suicide and most are successful. That's 8 times higher risk of suicide than heterosexual young men. Although research has not been conducted, probably most of the suicides today in young men come from this group.
Even in families that are accepting and in a society that is more and more accepting, these young men still commit suicide, perhaps at a lower incidence but still much higher than heterosexual men.
Why?
How do we prevent the staggering suicide risk in this group? How do we help these people live happy, fulfilling lives? Where can we find positive role models for them? How do we support their self worth so they can become productive members of society and live to their full potential?
As Simon Sinek has put it, it starts with why. Then comes the how and then the what.
14
@Michelle
How does this compare to suicide rates among homosexual youths in the 50s? The 60s? Are more gay youths committing suicide now? To what extent is that a function simply of an expanding population? Are there reasons rooted in social anomie that drive an increase in their suicides despite exponentially greater acceptance of homosexuality in the culture at large?
These are the interesting questions, in my view.
"Agnes believes in professional help but says what’s really necessary is belonging and peer counseling, “people pouring their heart out, and it creates the mentality that, ‘if they can do it, I can do it.’ … Give folks a feeling of hope that we can rise out of this and we can do it together.”
"What's really necessary" is to give the professionals a chance to do their jobs. There are organizations, foundations, doctors (psychiatrists and others) and other health-care professionals whose job it is to counsel at all levels, whether potential patients or their families and friends, and much more. Some are public, some private, some municipal and some state.
I would suggest that if someone is in distress or if one sees such a person, that they seek first and foremost some form of professional help. There is of course no guarantee that it will work and not all potential suicides can be prevented, but disease, and depression is such, is best dealt with by those trained to do so.
13
I attempted suicide. I'm made it through that very dark period of time, thank God. There are so many people and things that helped me through - and, trust me, it was a path with suicidal moments - on and off - before, and after my attempt. What made the difference? What kept me alive? Talking. Whether it was my therapist, a co-worker, a friend, a family member - and yes, prayer. When I wasn't talking, when I internalized the thoughts, when those thoughts spiraled me further and further down, I was in danger. As soon as someone would say, "Talk to me," "Tell me what's happening," "What's bringing you down?" that would open a door to let the demons out, and it gave my helpers an opportunity to speak back to my depressed thoughts. It almost always broke my descent, and gave me a temporary reprieve. More importantly, it taught me how to fight back. To answer those depressing thoughts, and actually lift myself up again. Two great maxims I've learned are : feelings aren't facts, and thoughts create emotions. Just because you feel something doesn't mean it's true, and what you think can create feelings, good or bad. You have to be careful of the thoughts you tell yourself. You have to learn to fight back. "I'm a loser, nobody loves me" is a thought that can drive you to suicide if the pain and isolation gets bad enough. "Maybe some people don't like me, but I can love myself, and there are some people who care about me and things in life I do enjoy" can save your life. It did mine.
70
@Random
Thank you for this! Especially "Maybe some people don't like me, but I can love myself, and there are some people who care about me and things in life I do enjoy"
5
I have to add to my original comment.
I stated that people made the critical difference for me. Therapists, friends, co-workers, family, loved ones - even strangers on help lines (who are sometimes easier to tell your darkest thoughts) - really anyone - helped me get through a depressive spiral and back on my feet, even for a day.
But I must add that there were many "tools in the toolbox" that helped me through as well. They are all necessary.
Medication. My stigma about taking medication prolonged my getting help sooner. And then when I finally started it, I was living alone and unsupervised. This is when I attempted suicide. I recommend being in the care of someone for at least the first month.
Avoidance of drugs or alcohol. These coping mechanisms are a real way to escape the pain but they come at a high cost - making the depression worse, and drag on. (How I wish we had ketamine then - something that could suspend that horrible blanket of hopelessness and actually be a benefit later instead of the reverse.)
Exercise. Endorphins and blood flow charge the brain. Bonus being around people - whether a gym or a park. A walk is fine. Epsom salt baths too. Magnesium is essential.
Nature: sunshine is essential, as is fresh air.
Healthy food. The connection between our gut biome and mental health is real.
Therapy. Cognitive therapy and read, read, read. I had to learn how to be this.
Prayer. I still speak to my angels and God asking for help. And a hug. It helps.
4
@Random
HI Random, Did you ever hear of the program Recovery International?
Well, whether you know it or not you just practiced some of the effective coping strategies of Dr. Abraham Low, MD, that alleviates anxiety and depression
Recovery International https://recoveryinternational.org
1
This column has value but it is also risky. Family, friends and neighbors are an incredibly important resource for someone who is depressed and isolated. However, in most cases they are not going to be enough. This should be recognized so as to move the suffering person toward professional treatment - but also so that the loving ones do not feel they are responsible for keeping another person alive. That is a terrifying and unrealistic expectation to have of oneself.
To my fellow mental health professionals: if you don't already, consider doing some pro bono work. People may have insurance but can't to afford to use it - high deductible plans are essentially the same as no insurance to a person with limited income or savings. Don't be afraid to care about your patients and to let them know you care. This means a great deal more than an anti-suicide contract signed routinely. Our patients need to feel safe telling us how they really feel. We cannot place upon ourselves the responsibility of keeping others alive either. But, accepting this, we can throw lifelines to the suffering by not being afraid to give of ourselves. Someone did that for me years ago - and now I am blessed with the opportunity to spend my life doing the same.
34
Excellent comment.
Wow drmaryb, if only more in your field, doctors and therapists saw it the way you did and willing to do some pro bono or at least greatly reduced fee work. Or even not say “no new patients” which is a common (too common) refrain when calling around trying to find a provider. And that’s WITH decent insurance...imagine without? Because most providers want NOTHING to do with insurance.
So yeah, people will end up in some pretty bad spots. I did. But I’m glad I’m still here too. It’s still quite a challenge sometime but I DID get lucky with a therapist that sees me for the a small out of network payment from my insurance.
But yes, everything that has been thought, believed, implemented, about how to approach treating and understanding mental health has been wrong. Everything has been reported wrong and it’s been woefully under-reported, of course.
The hotlines help, I’ve used Samaritans and 800-273-TALK (press *1 if you’re past/current military) they won’t have all the answers to your problems but they can help get you through a rough spot so you can figure out what to do next that will be helpful.
Nothing short of being very LOUD and DISRUPTIVE is going to change the way patients get the dignified, focused help needed in order to live a life meaningful life. Nearly everyone working in that system “knows” it’s broken but they seem content to sit with it.
I’ve had a lot of experience with this...it’s not acceptable for it to be this terrible. I’m so sorry Agnes <3
The high rate of suicide among our veterans worries me the most. In their case, we have the VA and yet we seem not to see our way to preventing the twenty per day suicides that are occurring. We must do more, and as a retired vet, I know of no way to help, but would help if I had an opportunity.
14
I think it’s interesting that if the 20 veteran suicides each day, 14 are not under VA care. It seems to me that the VA actually provides care for only a small portion of veterans.
3
@Harcourt
The number one complaint of veterans, surpassing even PTSD, is tinnitus. More R&D needs to be devoted to finding a way to turn the volume down for our veterans and the other 50 million Americans who live with this condition; 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. The desperation is so severe, a small portion of these folks use suicide as a way out. Ultimately, what these people want, is to hear silence once again and be free of the constant noise. More funding and awareness would be a great start to a cure to this insidious condition.
12
@Maggie - passing this on in case it helps - hearing aids mask my tinnitus (instead of sounding like I'm next to the microwave timer going off, it sounds like the microwave is upstairs with the door closed.) I wear them until the last minute before bed. Most places let you return hearing aids within a month if they don't help, and you can have programming adjusted several times to get sounds and volumes right - so worth a shot - I'm listening to ringing at full volume right now, and I'm grateful they save me every day.
7
Agnes McKeen is indeed a beautiful, selfless woman, even a heroine for many. I thank her. For the most part, yes, depression can be treated with unconditional love, counseling, and the right medication. All three are crucial and must be simultaneous. However, I think many of us have known a few people, sadly even loved ones, when in spite of everything, that incurable depression leads to suicide. When nurture is there but nature deals an individual an inauspicious hand, more often than not biology perpetrates a type of terminal disease. That does not mean we have no responsibility re these afflictions of the mind. On the contrary, and as David writes in this essay, we need to watch, observe, and listen to that man, woman, teen, or child in silent pain and anguish. Their challenge and struggle must be ours, too.
16
The rising suicide rate is yet another sign that our society has lost its way. The me-first, selfish response to all challenges, based on individualism, is very destructive.
19
@K. Corbin
Depression distorts reality and destroys the ability to have faith. Most people contemplating suicide are in hideous pain and already feel that they are horrible, worthless people. Comments like "the me-first, selfish response" show how little you understand. If you can only show contempt for those with depression, then you also have lost your way.
2
How unbelievably sad to lose a child.
While I am a big believer in community, I am surprised that there was no mention of Harrison’s school. Guessing that he was in high school, I wonder why no teacher, coach or fellow student had any idea that suicide was on his mind. Schools and other students have to be part of the solution.
3
@Lawyermom People can disguise their feelings and intentions so well that no one can see what is happening.
After reading this, I couldn't help thinking about Mitt Romney's comments at a 2012 fundraiser when he opined that some 47% of all Americans are "takers," to somehow vanish at little or no cost.
What better way to do this than to stand back, fail to address the causes of despair, promote opioids and various other prescription drugs, and then let them do their work to eliminate people and create corporate profits.
In other words, the "have mores" can have even more.
15
It's time to take the whole idea of public education to account, as a huge contributing factor to suicide and teens.
The endless pressure to succeed; the pressure of having to get into a highly-rated college; to get A's in AP classes; to conform to rigorous, state-mandated standards; to compete in sports; to be good at every academic regimen thrown at you as a student; to perform extra-curricular dances for college applications...
Do you think it's possible that what's become of "education" is driving our kids literally insane? To the point of suicide, depression, and mass shootings?
Is this epidemic really just the fault of smart phones and video games?
21
@Questioner I was going to post this same idea but you've done so brilliantly. The college admissions mania (scandals and all forms of torturous performance calisthenics) I think plays out in the lives of our young, on whose unseasoned shoulders so much pressure resides.
Our son, top marks in high school class and Eagle Scout, admitted to first choice college in tough STEM major; suffers breakdown in second semester freshman year Diagnosis of long-standing depression. Much better now with med and therapy.
Daughter, now high school junior, also self-driven scholastically. Compares herself to her "Instagram perfect" peers. Diagnosed in December with OCD symptoms and anxiety. Also, meds and therapy helping tremendously.
Neither are snowflakes. Multiple societal forces tell them to dance the piper's tune. They're knees up and keeping rhythm, but at a price.
15
When I think about the suicide and opioid crises, I wonder if there may be a connection between these crises and the state of the natural world - specifically with the climate crisis and the number of plant and animal extinctions that are currently happening? Are we collectively, as a species, committing suicide? We are a part of the natural world. If it is hurting, we are hurting.
I fight despair by doing all I can to address the climate crisis in my small way - living simply instead of chasing wealth and extravagance. It helps ease the sadness though the sadness is never erased.
"In nature, nothing exists alone." Rachel Carson
27
Outstanding!
A close friend of mine lost two young adult children within three weeks of each other. One with cancer and the other suicide. The young woman who committed suicide was bright, energetic, physically beautiful and deeply in love with her dying brother. So much so she could not continue to live. The parents are still struggling with what happened. I have coffee with my friend on a regular basis and openly talk about his daughter who I knew more so that her brother. He wants to remember her and I want to remind him of how much I liked her. I see her photo every day as one of my favorites of her is on the desktop of my computer. I smile when I look at it as her photo reminds me of how sweet she was.
Thanks you again David as your piece touched my heart.
19
I lost a brother to suicide on the day my father died. Devastating.
1
Some people do not have access to therapy, I think that Mr. Brooks focused friend approach is an excellent way to at least make an attempt to acknowledge the reality of suicidal thoughts and the sometimes overwhelming urge to carry them out. Bravo to him for looking at the problem from a different angle. It might mean that someone you care about won't take that step. Sometimes just saying out loud to someone that you are burdened with those thoughts can help. We should all strive to show more compassion for one another.
7
As a future counselor, I agree with Mr. Brooks on his point regarding community counseling through peers in addition to or even in lieu of professional counseling for one reason: reducing stigma. If everyone starts talking about their problems more to neighbors, colleagues, friends, family, clergy, whoever will listen without judgment, we will move forward together as a society.
My one word of caution and encouragement is real suicide education for all American children, starting early. Suicide happens because of isolation. The more we can get kids to talk and feel safe expressing their feelings, the more we build a society equipped to help someone in need whenever that time arises.
14
@Fighting Stupidity . Suicide happens because some folks live in a lot of emotional pain and want out. Do gooders have no right to force people to stay alive.
1
The most effective first step toward reducing suicides in the United States would be reducing access to guns. Half of all suicide deaths in the US are by gun. People who live in states with high household gun ownership are 4 times more likely to die by gun suicide even when other factors relating to suicide are controlled. This makes sense given that suicide is most often an impulsive act. That is why means reduction, that is reducing access to lethal ways to kill oneself, is an effective way to reduce suicide. Given time, the urge passes, and hope can be restored. But a handy gun at the wrong time ends lives before hope has a chance.
80
@HONEST ABE
Jumping takes more effort than grabbing a firearm and using it. Suicidal ideation can spike quickly to the point that the person wants to act right then and there, then it can also fall back down to the point where a person may want to die, but doesn't feel an overwhelming need to do so right then.
The person without access to a firearms then has to get another method together or, like in your example, go to a place where they can jump from high enough up to feel a high likelihood of dying on impact. The person with ready access to a firearm can take it out, load it, and use it within minutes.
The former could have their suicidal ideation lower to a safe level while heading to a place to jump from. Might been seen going up to the edge by someone who will intervene, etc.
Someone who has suicidal urges, with access to a firearm in the home is much more likely to wind up dead than one who does not.
13
Not true Honest Abe. Actually, reducing access to lethal means reduces the overall rate of suicide in a population and individuals with access to lethal means are more likely to die by suicide. (For instance, a meta-analysis found that those who live in household with guns are three times more likely to die of suicide than those who are not.)
11
@HONEST ABE
The suicidal “determined person” is a fallacy! Research has shown that most who survive suicide attempts say they acted impulsively. Suicidal ideation comes and goes.
But believing this fallacy makes a convenient excuse to uphold the statuses quo on the availability of guns.
4
NM of NY says:
"Whether or not we believe someone is a suicide risk, maybe we should all let loved ones know how we feel about them. Everyone deserves to know that they have a place in another's heart and no one should regret expressing affection for its own sake."
13
According to the Iron Disorders Institute, over one million Americans have a genetic disorder called hemochromatosis which is an overload of iron. Many people with this disease don't realize they have it. It gets worse with age because the iron overload worsens with age. One of the many effects of hemochromatosis is that it leads to depression. The cure is simple - giving blood regularly.
Please - if you are depressed - get your blood tested for hemochromatosis. If you have it and address it by giving blood regularly, you most likely can ease your depression.
5
“Attend” means, if I understand the etiology correctly, to extend one’s care, one’s heart - to tend to a dear one.
Listen, and again, listen. Give someone your complete caring, loving attention, and let them know you are available to them to listen.
And then, listen again.
And again.
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@don salmon
Best advise I've heard. With more of us slipping into 3rd world conditions everyday, we're going to need good advise to deal with those all around us.
3
@sheila
Very important point, Sheila. Today’s essay, “What’s your story” makes the crucial point that everything in one’s life - not just “chemical imbalances” - contributes to one’s state of mind and heart.
“Listening” in a way that “hears” one’s story can be the difference between life and death.
After 2000 disability evaluations - “listening” to the stories of people whose lives had become truly unbearable and almost unlivable - I discovered that if I could “hear” and convey a person’s life story clearly enough, that alone could be profoundly transformative.
I was often astonished to see the visceral effect it would have one someone hearing their life story put together in a way they had never previously experienced.
it can be more powerful than any medication, particularly if the lawyers and legal assistants involved are supportive. I was fortunate to work with some of hte most caring disability attorneys (two of the best had previously worked as nurses before becoming lawyers - nurses, through their ability to listen, can often be more effective healers than doctors’ pills).
1
The comments section of the NYTimes appears over and over again to provide a safe space for people to share their personal experiences. That goes to Brooks' point that we don't speak about suicide enough in our society. I venture to say that consideration should be given to the youth of Agnes's son, Harrison. He was only 16. His case is obviously very different from, say, a person of three score and ten with a terminal illness. Each case is unique. I hear in the comments recognition that we need a safety net. Mlc of Durham used much of their own savings to help their son to health. "How many people can afford this?" they ask. I hate to bring up politics, but other Western nations do a much better job of providing health care, which should include treatment of mental illness! Brooks acknowledges partially "societal" causes including the availability of guns. The "chemical imbalance in the brain" has a treatment. Why is it not made readily available in an accessible and affordable and even routine manner. Such government programs do not carry the stigma of "charity", but rather are seen as a citizen's right.
29
If you or anyone you know is considering suicide or self-harm or is anxious, depressed, upset, or needs to talk, there are people who want to help:
- Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741741 from anywhere in the USA, at any time, about any type of crisis
- The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
While I appreciate Mr. Brooks bringing attention to the issue of suicide, and acknowledging that access to guns is part of the problem, I’m completely horrified by the way getting help from professionals is downplayed in the article. The best thing you can possibly do for a person contemplating suicide is to encourage them to get help.
Getting help - seeing a therapist and being prescribed medication - saved my life, and several of my friends’ lives. It took me 3 years for me to find meds that worked, and I ended up in the hospital at one point because of my reaction to one of the meds, so I’m not saying it’s easy or it works for everyone. Medications work less than half the time. Ketamine is looking promising for people who don’t respond to medication, but it’s not legalized yet. Therapy and medication are your best bet to get better, if you can access them.
Mental health services are woefully unavailable to many people - there are not enough mental health professionals, many insurance plans don’t cover mental health services, and they’re insanely expensive. If we want to fix this as a community, that’s one place we could start.
39
Yes to your wisdom. Most therapists ask their patients to agree to a ‘suicide pact’: to contact their therapists if they are suicidal & have a plan. I don’t know how successful this is but it’s a start ( if you have access to healthcare). It worked for my former husband & child too.
15
Esketamine (a version of ketamine) was approved by the FDA within the last two weeks. The efficacy data is not strong but it may, nevertheless, be helpful for any particular patient. Patients need to be monitored after being given the drug, so it’s likely not all doctors/psychiatrists will prescribe it. Patients require frequent doses (two or more times every week.) For people who are suicidal, this may be an important bridge while other treatments (antidepressants, therapy) ramp up.
New York Times @Maggie R.'s important and necessary comment should be a New York Times Pick.
2
Mr Brooks
One of the first steps to wide scale suicide prevention is to stop judging and blaming the victims. They die by suicide.That is vastly different from killing oneself - which is a judgement made by someone other than the victim. Their is no way anyone can know what was going through their minds and bodies other that that they were suffering enough to go against the strong urge for self-preservation so they could end the suffering. That said, it is a great gift to all of us to have Ms McKeen and many other fine people and caring people working to stem the tide.
12
@Dan
I think that is a difference without a distinction. Do you know that a suicide prevention advocate recently addressed my Rotary group arguing that the words "committing suicide" should be banished for some reason that made pitifully little sense at the time and none now. I believe it had something to do with imputing agency to very sick and disturbed people.
I am very sympathetic to people who kill themselves/commit suicide. Their agonies can little be imagined by those who do not experience them. I have have had some of those myself. But discussion about suicide should not get bogged down in semantic distinctions that provide no value to the discussion.
@Wine Country Dude
Meaning matters, in both spoken dialog and print. Language both constains and enables thought, and there is a big semantic difference between "died by suicide" and committed suicide" since the latter conveys judgement, and judging anyone who has died by suicide or is contemplating suicide is simply not helpful - to the person trying to help or the person who may or may not need their help.
I nearly lost a loved one young this way. We did all we could to provide help, but in a small town it was limited. What I did do is never leave her alone. Ever. For the better part of a year. People said, if they want to do it, they will. And, how will she get better if you are hovering? All I could say was, if I'm there, she can't do it. I stayed up in the night. if I had to leave the house, I took her with me.
It was a long time ago now, but I ache when I read about teen suicides. Maybe you can't hover over adults, but you can stay close to your child until times are better. I also wish we had help in high schools, groups kids could join and talk about problems. I think the suicide happens when a person is isolated and has no faith in other people, even family.
28
@Jean "If they want to, they will....." Studies show that suicidal feelings are often not permanent but wax and wane. Suicides can also be impulsive, done on the spur of the moment because of some recent, catastrophic event. Part of suicide prevention has to do with distracting that person long enough that those feelings pass and then problem solving with them as possible to address the events that led to the suicidal feelings in the first place.
1
Thank you David for this essay. Men are more successful in completing suicide because they use firearms, women generally use pills. A suggestion: if you find someone who is talking of self harm - ask them if they have a plan and the means to carry that plan out. Then you can take action to circumvent that impulsive. CBS Sunday Morning has a segment on 3/17 about adolescent suicide.
6
It can happen to anybody. 5 years ago i was on the top floor of a parking garage getting ready to jump. I had texted my kids apparently normal txts in which I was nevertheless saying farewell. They read my txts very carefully these days.
I called my wife to say goodbye. She talked me off. The fact that i almost jumped has scarred my adult kids. They keep a Weather Eye on me. Watch your thoughts. Stay calm. If you start to spiral, do not be too proud to seek help in time.
The irrational side of thre brain is immensely powerful, far stronger than the rational side.
I had been in my Doctor’s office that Same day and hald convinced him that I was OK, just stressed from work. An hour later I was outside the rail on a ledge 7 stories up.
It can happen to anybody.
122
@Lefthalfbach David alludes to it in his column but I think it needs to be highlighted more: people at risk or with a history of suicide can help themselves by putting together a plan to address suicidal thoughts and have it at hand when they feel they're starting to get that way. The plan would include what they feel are warning signs, what things they should think or do that might help, whom they can call for help, etc. As you mentioned the irrational side of the brain can take over at points so having a plan in place is a reminder of what the person can do when that side takes over. They didn't teach us this when I was in training and I learned about it later on: the form can be filled out with a healthcare professional, with family, etc.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/Brown_StanleySafetyPlanTemplate.pdf
6
@ms
MS -- There are many terrific comments on this article but I had never heard of the "suicide prevention plan template" that you sent the link to! That is an outstanding idea and I will put that URL on a slip of paper in my wallet, so I can give it to anyone who expresses to me (directly or indirectly) they feel like "ending it all". Thank you very much.
2
Check the free app MY3
I fill it out together with all my suicidal clients at our mental health center.
Basically a safety plan on your phone which is always with you - better in my opinion than one written on a piece of paper you might not have with you at all times...
1
This article assumes that depression is he major factor in suicide. Bu what of the many cases where physical deterioration makes life unendurable? Assisted suicide, legal in Oregon and California, applies only in cases where the person will die anyway within six monts. There are many diseases, e.g, Parkinson's and A;zheimer's where people will lead very unpleasant llves for years before they die. Shouldn't they be offered an easier way out?
29
For the record, people who say suicide is a selfish act are being selfish themselves. They probably have never had depression or have confused major depression with being sad about losing the office final four bracket or getting a parking ticket. For someone such as myself who has suffered greatly from chronic suicidal depression most of my life, I think my loved ones are being selfish sometimes because they don't want to deal with the fallout if I offed myself. That being said, I am glad for the most part that I am still hanging around. The most courageous thing someone who is sick of life is to keep going. My family could not deal with my death and I fully believe in harm reduction, which in laypersons term is just not making things worse especially if you can't make things better. The sad thing is a lot of people just don't have people to talk to or have impulsive personalities. The latter combined with drug or alcohol abuse can easily result in suicide. As an aside, I was triggered by the admissions scandal this week because I went to the best schools and I still didn't make anything out of my life because of my illness. To all you rich tiger parents out there, there are no guarantees in life, not even the ability to live itself.
79
“The most courageous thing someone who is sick of life can do is keep going” . I heartily agree. This statement of yours is so wise, brave and compassionate. Compassionate to yourself in your sadness and depression, and to those around you who will be traumatized by your suicide.
I hope others will be inspired by these words. They are powerful.
5
@Disgruntled model minority. I understand what you are saying. I have also heard, when trying to reach out, that even thinking of suicide is selfish ("think of how much you would hurt your family!"). Not only does this thought make it much, much worse and more difficult, but it's also a lack of recognition of what life is like living with chronic depression. Sure, it will get better; but then it will get worse again; then better; then worse. It's exhausting and when you're really in the depths of it, you just can't imagine continuing to there now, or later, or anytime. Sometimes I think "how can you want me to continue sacrificing myself for everyone else? Why do I have to bear this burden and hurt for everyone, so they aren't hurt?" I deal with it by trying to always have something I'm working towards, and manufacturing major, regular changes in my life, so that I can't see everything unfolding in a cycle of pain endlessly; I have to believe that each change might make it better. Of course I've had help in the past, but anti-depressants don't work for me and there's no "cure," just managing. Best of luck to everyone out there! Many of us understand exactly, and I hope everyone gets the help and support they need.
4
"Our individualistic culture means there are vast empty gaps in our social fabric where people suffer alone and invisible. It’s also a guns problem. A lot of people die simply because at their lowest moment, there happened to be a gun around."
Thank you for acknowledging easy access to guns as one of the problems.
But when you talk about 'gaps in our social fabric' I assume you're talk about a lack of going to church and being part of community. I'd say it's more about the social gaps in terms of providing a social and financial safety net for people who have lost jobs, have lost pensions, lost their healthcare, etc. there are a lot of people that do not see their situations (such as being laid off at age 55 and replaced with a 24 year old) as temporary. They see it as their new life. Many need more help than family and churches can provide. People need to feel they are contributing and have meaningful work. Amazon warehouses don't provide that type of thing.
87
Very good article. Depression and suicidal thoughts are present in my life very often. I have strategic coping mechanisms (non-medical). Journaling, exercise, change of environment like walks help. The reward system is good for me. If I clear a hurdle I treat myself to ice cream, a new shirt or something. Another is volunteering at an animal hospital.
One final thought, do not ever, ever tell a person experiencing suicidal thoughts, “You are being selfish and will hurt the people around you.”
36
Thank you for your insights. I have compassion for what you have gone through. Could I ask why you strongly advise not telling someone who is suicidal that they will hurt those who love them if they commit suicide?
I have a family member who’s daughter attempted suicide and it was completely devastating to them. It seems like the sadness a suicidal person is going thru does not end if they commit suicide. It just takes the blanket of sadness and depression and drapes it over their loved ones and perpetuates the agony.
My family member I believe has PTSD from finding his daughter and rushing her to the hospital. These are images he will never be able to erase. They also have the never ending anxiety of if, or when, it could happen again.
Could understanding how this agony will just be passed on to your loved ones and put them in the same pain and depression that you are going through, give someone who is suicidal pause? Maybe be the thing that makes them hesitate and stop them from attempting suicide?
1
@Red0736
If it is not too late to answer, I suggest going to Metanoia.org. See the arrow, “If you are suicidal...”.
That page has saved me many times. It is organized by a group known as The Samaritans. See #4 particularly regarding your question
Best to you
The numbers cited here are terrifying, but they are numbers nonetheless. Not too many decades ago suicides were reported in newspapers much in the way homicides and motor vehicle deaths are now. Reporting mores evolved and news people treated suicides as the private family tragedies that they are unless they were of a prominent person or were otherwise exceptional. Respecting a family's wishes is the right thing to do, but the urgency of the problem may get more notice if the old ways still existed. The compromise could be reporting every suicide while being careful to do so in such a way that the victim's identity can't be found.
4
David Brooks is right that keeping folks alive is a collective task; that is, we can all do much as individuals and as a government to prevent people from committing suicide.
Why then does Mr. Brooks have such a problem with National Health Care Reform?
According to the latest statistics 82 million Americans have either no health benefits or inadequate health benefits. I am sure that more than one person has decided to end their life due to having no health care or not enough when either he or she or a family member doesn't have adequate care. The cognitive dissonance Mr. Brooks displays here is simply stunning. I guess like with reparations we will have to wait for Mr. Brooks to slowly "get woke”. The only problem is that according to good estimates approximately 26,000 Americans will die this year due to this problem.
173
@DH
A problem is that our society has decided that saving someone's life because a suicide was prevented isn't worth anything close to saving one's life because of surgical treatment of heart disease or treatment of cancer. So insurance companies are willing to pay a great deal for treatment of physical disorders but very little for treatment of mental disorders.
Unfortunately, columns like this which emphasizes peer support will only make insurance companies feel there is little need to pay mental health professionals a reasonable rate.
13
I seriously considered suicide when I was nine. My grandfather has just died the previous Christmas Day. My mother was punishing me for getting bad grades and for doing something that I cannot remember in that February of 1954. My grandfather was no longer there to protect me. I actually picked up a knife from the kitchen drawer, for she had threatened more violence; “wait until I get home from work.” I had to act fast. But I chickened out.
I can walk the road along with those who decide that living is just not worth it. I didn’t have a support system and had to deal with it and did so badly. I engaged in destructive behavior as a teenager but still the guilt rode hard over whatever small portion of self-esteem that I could call my own. I never told my siblings or anyone else.
It’s unfortunate that young Harrison never made a connection to a loved one. I don’t know why, when his mother loved him dearly—and mine disliked me intensely—he ended his life and long ago, I feared death more than daily sufferings and stepped back from the abyss.
Years later, I had a relationship with a loving woman who would go on to another man. One day, she threw herself off the roof of a furniture store in Chicago, 16 floors to the street. That was 40 years ago and all I can think of is the terrible waste of a life of promise. She was the most intelligent person I ever knew. She had much love to give and she threw it away.
I think about her every day.
176
@Red Sox, ‘04, ‘07, ‘13, ‘18
What powerful stories you have shared. Maybe hearing more accounts like yours would stop suicides: first, having been to the brink but stepping back and going on to live your life; second, carrying the grief of someone with so much promise who, for whatever reason, couldn't appreciate something in herself that others could.
Thanks so much for what you wrote.
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I don’t know you but I’ve read your reader comments in the Times for years, so you are familiar to me somehow. This made me wonder how many people I know casually or even just online who have dealt or are currently dealing with thoughts of suicide. We never truly know the pain of others, do we? Thank you for sharing.
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@Red Sox, ‘04, ‘07, ‘13, ‘18
The problem is, for more people than we'd generally like to admit, the perception that "living is just not worth it" may be more accurate for them than we realize.
People do not contemplate suicide without being in substantial pain. I'm not saying they are always accurate as to how unbearable that pain may at that moment be, but during those moments, due to whatever combination of factors, they are experiencing the truth as they then know it.
I think we have to acknowledge this when trying to figure out what interventions are the best ones to bring to bear; well-meaning attempts to "correct false assumptions" may not be the most meaningful for people at that precipice.
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They also commit suicide because they are reacting badly to psychiatric medications given to them because of flawed paradigms in mental health care. Many psych meds cause problems, e. g. akathisia, mania, worse than the initial presenting symptoms that caused them to be prescribed in the first place. It's so important to discover whatever narrative is causing the pain, the trauma, the shame from the trauma, before rushing to medicate. Not all suicide is a choice. A lot of suicides happen because of chemical disturbances caused by medication, not cured by them.
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From my perspective, I could not disagree more. The idea that the medicines are the cause is preposterous. This is the kind of thinking that will keep someone in need of medications from seeking help. The premise is false.
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@Jake
To paraphrase Daniel Moynihan, you’re entitled to your own perspective but not your own facts.
There are decades of resarch studies showing that psychotropic medications have, as side effects, akathisia, mania, suicidal impulses, along with diabetes, heart disease, and, well, death.
The law requires drug pushers - excuse me, pharmaceutical companies - to list the side effects. Just go to their websites and read the excruciatingly long lists.
No doubt some people do find that pills succeed in reducing depression where other means don’t. But Sara’s warning should still be kept in mind.
I was debating whether or not to mention the research on chemical imbalance, concerned it might detract from some of the beautiful stories being recounted here.
But it may give some another way of understanding what treatments there are.
Dr. David Burns was one of the original researchers studying the “chemical imbalance” theory in the 1970s. By the end of that decade, every scientist involved knew there was simply no justification for the theory.
None.
Medications do work - I’ll say it again - to help with depression. But the more you believe you are a helpless pawn of “chemical imbalances,” and that a purely physical “Pill” is the panacea you’re searching for, the more you develop an underlying belief in your own helplessness, which is one of the key factors in fostering depression!
Do not feel bad if you haven’t benefited from “inner” means of change - but never give up hope.
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Actually, one of the worst side effects of a lot of major antidepressants is that they can make you more suicidal instead of less. It happened to one of my best friends, and I’ve tried 6 different antidepressants myself and that was the big worry each time I started one. That’s why they need to be prescribed by a mental health profession who knows this and can help you find the right medication(s). We need better antidepressants.
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Thank you for this. A family member, age 20, just took his life on Monday and we have been in deep shock and mourning all this week, so this really hits home. I am sharing it with my family.
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@C My deepest condolences to you and your family, from someone who knows. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your young loved one.
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In medical school we were taught that people who are suicidal are no different then the person who just had a coronary artery blocked at us in the intensive care unit. Hopefully the people in the former group will get the same level of care as those in the latter. Thank you for writing this
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@Working doc
I'll bet no matter what your medical school taught you, you'd have found that the psychiatrists who saved peoples' lives probably made at most 1/4 to 1/5 of what the cardiac surgeons did.
I'd love you med school to answer why, if the services were equivalent. there was such a discrepancy in pay.
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My heart goes out to Ms. McKeen for her unthinkable loss. What an unimaginable loss of a young life. If only her son could have known just how much his life meant to others, and how much promise it held, no matter what he was going through.
Whether or not we believe someone is a suicide risk, maybe we should all let loved ones know how we feel about them. Everyone deserves to know that they have a place in another's heart and no one should regret expressing affection for its own sake.
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Very wise article. People attempt suicide for many reasons, including mania, delusions, depression, etc. Just try to be there for them. Educate yourself (see www.NAMI.org). There are many other resources. The most important thing: listen intently and see what's really going in front of you. We're often so busy we don't see any signs. So, to add to what David said...really pay attention to those in your life.
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