This article makes me smile, as I read it early this morning with a cup of coffee by my side-- and brings flashbacks of all the young years of late nights and early mornings with my daughter. She is 19 now. For all the times I know that I was bored, tired, physically weary, the memories that return are the sweetest ones. I am remembering another form of tedium I experienced during her toddler years; those trips to the local park for playtime where my "designated" role was to mostly watch her play with other young children. :) I am grateful that her father was always happy to take her to the park for playing on the slide, the pirate ship ropes, and in the wading pool during summer. Trips to the park we're more tedious for me because I preferred to be walking not standing around. She was an active baby and I was an active adult. Between all the reading of storybooks we did at home, all the walking we did together, all the times at the park she made instant friends, she grew up loving both alone time for reading, and working with young children outdoors as the golf coach she is these days. She also reports that standing around watching kids can get a little boring and she loves it all the same. The tedium of raising a child for me is always balanced by the love I feel for my ever evolving child. And yes, there were the years it took me months to finish a novel...worth the wait! Thanks for your perspective Dr. Klass as M.D and parent too. :)
5
Years of infertility followed by failed adoption attempts led us finally to a miracle son by adoption. We were never bored; we were too busy counting blessings and enjoying our good fortune. We both always worked and were the better parents for it. We did have the luxury of great childcare through age three and then a carefully researched preschool.
3
Books are my favorite solution to just about anything. However, I have an interesting idea. Why don't you try to learn a language along with your child?
Assuming English is your primary language, you could teach each word in English first and then repeat the word in your desired foreign language. Let's say Spanish for simplicity's sake. You could learn to read children's books in Spanish yourself before reading them out loud to your child and then switching back to English.
The idea obviously takes some effort and planning but hey, if your bored anyway, this is a good way to use your time constructively. You and your child would be consuming the same educational material but in different ways.
When you need a break, I'm sure there's a Spanish version of Agatha Christie lying around somewhere.
3
Yes. There were times when the boredom was excruciating. So, I started to read aloud to the baby/toddler what I was reading. Did either of them understand it? No. Did they develop language skills, and great vocabularies early? Yes. Was I more patient because I wasn’t bored silly? Yes. Worked for me. And them.
6
So happy to read this comment! I thought I was alone in reading The Secret Garden out loud to a three month old baby while rocking her. It worked for us too—and she grew up to love language.
2
The fact that babies and toddlers are fascinating creatures who grow up in a blink of an eye does not negate that early childcare is mind-numbingly dull.
2
Yes its boring at times, and frustrating as well; but remember, children are only on loan and then we must let them fly. Hopefully we have given them wings.
1
Thaking care of babies and toddlers is mind-numbing, back-breaking, miserable work. That seems so obvious to me that I can't understand why there's a need for articles about it. Like going to the moon, humans chose to have babies not because they're easy.
Caring for young children is miserable work. it slowly gets less demanding as they grow into young adults. It's good for parents to be aware of that and plan accordingly.
2
So just read the Agatha Christie aloud to the baby. Bonding, Language development, cuddle time, and guilt-free pleasure all in one.
3
Boring? Really? I agree with exhausting. Never Ending. Demanding. Even frustrating and nerve wracking (one of mine is on the Autism Spectrum so there was a lot of parental angst early on) but I cannot recall even one minute of it being Boring. I retreated into books sometimes for my own sanity when stress and exhaustion were enough for me to lock myself into the bathroom to read quietly for 5 minutes while my son sang to me outside the door. But boring? Parenting has been the most fascinating, challenging, invigorating experience of my life.
Maybe that word doesn't mean what you think it means?
3
@Diana or maybe, maybe.....everyone's experiences are different, and still valid ?
10
@Diana Definitely boring. The first fifty times I read that picture book I could cope, but the 51st time she dropped it in my lap it was almost physically painful to read. Half an hour of dolly tea party is hard work, two and a half hours is pure torture. And something died inside me when I hear “can we play hide and seek”. The first ten minutes of every activity it is amazing to watch them but after that…..
The thing is you can’t even do anything constructive with your time because you’ll be interrupted with “mum can you help me” “mum play with me” “mum read to me” “I need to go to the toilet” or worst of all, whining.
I love my kids but sometimes the days are long and very very boring.
Agatha Christie has gotten me through some difficult times in my life, often in the wee hours of the morning when my mind wouldn't stop churning. Her books "turned my mind off", as I saw it. We need to do that sometimes.
Maybe 90% of the time it's "boring". The same is possibly true about any activity. That said, 10% of the time it is the most amazing thing you can experience. And that 10% makes it way more than worthwhile.
1
What's missing from this piece - the amazing world of books to read with young children! Every book written by Leo Lionni, The Adventures of Taxi Dog, the wonderful Lois Ehlert books, Make Way for the Ducklings, Ellis the Elephant, and every single book written and illustrated by the incomparable Tom and Muriel Feelings! We read books many times a day - it kept my brain alive and nurtured our son's! We also sang songs a lot - making up verses on the fly to keep things musical. And, on a totally different, far less educational note, my husband and I binge watched multiple seasons of Entourage when we couldn't fall back asleep after our son's 3am wakings!
3
I don't understand or identify with this at all. First of all, when I had my children (eldest will be 49 tomorrow!), no mother I knew worked outside the house. I had neighbors with young children. I had friends with young children. I also had shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry and ironing to do, plus a bit of yard work. We did not hover over our children, but we did engage with them when taking them out in their buggy/stroller - no cell phone glued to an ear. But were we engaged 24/7? Of course not - we had lots of other things to be doing and our children learned to entertain themselves. I never considered myself to be a "camp counselor" or "activities director".
And by 3:30 or 4 when they were bored with all their toys, we would all gather (babies/toddlers/et al) at someones house for a cup of tea and some adult company. In nice weather, we were all out on our front steps watching the Tyke Bikes zoom up and down the sidewalk. We packed PB&J's and went to the park and ate lunch and watched our children play. We called a friend and met them and their children at the zoo or the art museum or someplace.
Exhaustion? Yes, often, but boredom, never. I have no idea what the expectations of young mothers are today - I have a feeling they are totally unrealistic. I also know that many of these same women don't do projects assigned to them at work as they find those "boring", too. It appears that being a responsible adult who is not self-absorbed is very boring.
14
@India this is exactly how I remember my SAHM mother and her relationship with me and my siblings. Expectations seem so different now
Re taking care of small children, we always say “the days are long, but the years are short.”
7
Thank you for this straightforward information. People should not be ashamed to find themselves bored around kids, even their own. But once becoming a grandmother, it's no longer time to discuss potty training, or your grandson's colostomy surgery, endlessly at the dinner table, and I'm talking to YOU, Diane!
3
I’d love to be bored with my kids, if I could have less to do at work and on the house, I’d be happily bored with my two boys and wife looking for adventures and goofing off ... bring it!
4
All jobs are sometimes boring and repetitive. Taking the lead role in the early stages of forming a real person is pretty interesing, if you ask me, even if the hours are long and you never feel like you’ve mastered it.
I find a lot of parents who specifically talk a lot about the boring parts of parenting are either kind of boring themselves or are interesting people whose naricissism is often hard to be around.
9
I'm in the trenches with a 3 year old and completely agree. Young children's need for repetition feeds into the boredom, too. They want the same books, the same shows, the same songs, the same games, over and over and over. Boring and frustrating!
6
@Lauren H.
There's reason for that need of repetition.
Kids of that age can't 'conserve', that is, reverse operations.
This manifests in many ways. For example, if they see the same quantity of food on a large and a small plate, they think they've got more than you because their small plate is 'fuller'.
They can't remember & retell a story in its order. The only way they can enjoy the story is to hear it again, and again.
Humans are born with an innate ability to count to three. Hence all those stories with 3 characters. You can offer to read the story 3 times and then move on to something else.
In addition, repetition teaches them certain things have the same outcome every time, which is important in learning how the world works.
Between 3 and 7 conservation kicks in, sometimes between one day & the next, and the child moves on. It can find its way home, recite a story accurately, learn to read a map.
Hang in there, @Lauren H. Mine are in high school now. It’s an important job, though not an easy one. I wish there were more support and less judgement for all parents. We really are in it together.
1
@Lauren H. I remember that boredom of repetition reading Thomas the Tank Engine over and over and over.....butI never minded endlessly pushing the swing in the park which contained my laughing son. We all have our limits.
Just this headline makes me mad. Isn’t this why women’s lib happened? More than 50 years ago? Thanks for the update NYT. This is like saying that hangovers can be unpleasant and makes parents look like whiny idiots.
Children need to learn to amuse themselves with crayons and paper, shirt cardboard and scissors and scotch tape, clay, and books. They should be able to do so for many, many hours at a time.
Why are mothers nowadays constantly with their children? A strange neediness of their own.
By the age of seven I had constructed a multi-story cardboard house big enough for my pipe-cleaner people, its tiny ceiling lights powered by a dry-cell battery, its fireplace made of paper-mache, its cardboard platform landscaped. Like the Winchester house in San Jose, it had a staircase leading nowhere. That was a design flaw.
I had already had plenty of practice making things.
My mother did not find me "boring" because I was never bored.
I am forever grateful to her for not hovering.
6
@B. Before you were so independent at age seven which is a natural age to be building creatively, you needed much more supervision. Parent need to "hover" in order to prevent injury, etc. although not by age 7. As a mother of grown-up children, I applaud your appreciation of your mother. I do think you should ask her if she was ever "bored", particularly during your early years. She does sound like she'll be a fantastic grandmother!
8
Put it this way: I find that my younger friends' and my nephews' children at the age of six and seven and eight are unable to amuse themselves. They are rarely left to their own devices.
From the age of three they have gone on play dates every day and now have after-school activities every day and sports on weekends and summer activities. This is true of most of the people I speak with.
It is difficult for the kids to work on projects. In restaurants, far too many children can't sit at the table and draw while the grownups talk. Or so it seems.
Something is going wrong nowadays that didn't go wrong sixty years ago. Which is not to say the kids aren't smart.
Thank you for your kind words about my mom.
7
@angelina I remember being 3, 4, 5, 6. My mother cooked and sewed and cleaned and ironed. I can see the apartment in which I lived from 3 to 4. The only room I don't remember is my bedroom - because I had to be near her during the day. She sat with me for a bit each day teaching me to read. Other than that I played with my dolls while she ironed. I drew lots of pictures with crayons while she cooked. I am sure that I required more supervision than I remember. I know she didn't keep her eye on me all the time because she found me washing my dolly's hair with dish soap while we were in that apartment. On another occasion I got into her lipstick. That was fun. I am not recommending not watching your 3.5 year old. Just saying that, for better or for worse, mothers were a little more relaxed in the mythical golden age of SAHM. It may have been worse.
When our daughters were maybe two and five, we had a week coming up where snow was threatened almost daily. The older one was only in half day kindergarten, and so we were planning for several days of no school. I prepped like a lunatic; extra library books, supplies for craft projects and cookie baking, snow suits and boots all ready for snowmen and snow angels. After two days of bundling up and going outside (followed by drying clothes and cleaning up tracked in slush), baking cookies (followed by cleaning up the kitchen), and clay and finger-painting projects (followed by cleaning up kids and the kitchen), Wednesday afternoon found all three of us collapsed on the couch watching soap operas and eating chocolate chips out of the bag. Best time ever.
13
I stayed at home full-time with my two boys for 9 years before returning to clinical work. I can vouch for those many times of “boredom” Dr. Klass writes about. I also experienced the great joys of that time, and look back with pride, nostalgia and gratitude that I am lucky enough to have had the means to have done it. And, yes, I am now so very happy to have good relationships with two teenagers.
What kept me sane during that time and in our world of increasing isolationism, particularly as a man playing the traditional women’s role, was mitigating those “boring” times. I started a playgroup that ballooned to 75 parents, joined my neighborhood association board, got involved in local issues, and volunteered on local and national political campaigns. Yes, my kids came with me to 6pm board meetings, and I pulled them behind me in a wagon when campaigning door-to-door.
As the esteemed NYT columnist David Brooks put it the other day, I became a “weaver”: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/18/opinion/culture-compassion.html
For those who have the means, I highly recommend it as a hedge on boredom. As well as for the other benefits like growing community, solving local issues, playing a part in larger political issues, as well as rearing more socially and politically engaged children.
4
When my 20 month old granddaughter takes a nap I meditate. I have an app and I pick out a 10-20 minute meditation and use it to recharge. My daughter uses it too. It works wonders for all of us. Boredom is used to exhale. I even do it with her. I put her on my lap turn it on. And.....just hold her. She loves it and we do it everyday. Put on some lullaby classical strings.
Sublime. Thanks for the honesty!!!
3
Believe it or not sometimes I’m bore babysitting for my 5 year old granddaughter—and she is adorable.
4
My children are now 6.5 and 10, so I've come up from the trenches, so to speak. But I'll never forget bursting into tears when I read a mother (Gabrielle Reece) write in her book that frankly, sometimes having small children is filled with moments of boredom. It was such a relief to have feelings I couldn't quite let myself acknowledge be validated. Yes, it really is a profoundly special time in life (like totally amazing!)... but it's not always sunshine and roses. It's ok to not "cherish every moment" as you are often told to do. I'm finding there are incredible things to cherish about my children at every age, not just their baby/toddlerhood.
15
Isn't boredom part of life? There are parts of my job (paperwork!!!) that I find utterly boring every day. Of course, I remember these days when parenting was boring. I do not know why anybody would assume it is a constant fullfilling and rewarding task. It is ok not to feel 100 percent excited and engaged all the time. Life becomes a lot easier when people can accept this. Overall, I have great memories of the times when my children were small. I do not remember boring moments although I am sure I had them. Parents, it is ok and totally normal!!!
22
@Karen B.
Being an adult and taking on tedious responsibilities is boring. Most people have kids in their 20's and 30's, when we all start taking on adult responsibilities. Perhaps it's just adulthood that is boring.
8
Perhaps in California adulthood is boring.
I do not think I am particularly different from most people when I say I really almost never feel bored.
(Well, faculty meetings . . . .)
Some people have a true desire to raise children. Others have the desire to procreate, but have low interest in raising children. Looking back I realize that my parents were in the second group. I ended up not having children and I wonder how much my parents are part of that outcome. I can see now that it's a lifetime commitment. Those of us who are childless missed out on the joy and in return we were spared the years of work. Now that my friends have adult children I rarely think wow I wish that was me. However I am sure that being a grandparent can be quite rewarding.
11
Thank you. These were just my thoughts, especially between the ages of 2 and 4.
5
How could anyone who's had kids argue that it's not occasionally boring? Newborns are EXTREMELY boring - they can barely make eye contact! Older babies are enthralled by blinking lights and their own hands. Toddlers become less boring, but you're really just trading tedium for worry/exhaustion - except for the tedium of kids shows and videos, which exist on a spectrum of weird to "this dead-eyed CGI bear will haunt my dreams." (Yes yes I know, screen time is bad. but parental nervous breakdowns are ALSO bad, so she gets 20 minutes of youtube a day.)
It's amazing to watch a child learn about the world. But also, they're lucky they're so cute.
24
Why would anyone suggest that parents should be hyper-focused on their kids - leading the child to the conclusion that they are the center of the universe?
I adored my kids and loved being a full time mom. But yes, I often read while I nursed, and often sat out in the sun with a cup of tea and a book while the babies were parked under a bush, watching the patterns made by the sun flickering through the moving leaves. As they grew older, they still got used to seeing mom with her nose in a book while they played alone - for just a while. And they learned the importance of reading. I taught literacy for a while, and one of the nuggets was that people not only need to learn to read, but also to WANT to read and to think it’s important.
We seem to have bonded just fine, and guess what, they’ve turned into amazing adults who don’t think they’re the center of the universe.
35
Thank you for this article! Appreciate your realistic perspective as a pediatrician and a parent. The generational differences in parenting styles are pronounced. My younger cousins are constantly interacting with their babies and toddlers (both mothers and fathers equally—verbalizing, sitting on the floor at eye level, etc.). I feel sorry for their children from the overstimulation, but there is so much pressure on parents to appear to be constantly engaged.
While visiting recently, I was chided by a younger family member for letting his 3-yr old and 2-yr old get bored (I was literally in the room with them sitting in a chair watching them happily play with toys together). You can be present with young children without constantly interacting with them.
27
Yes. Sometimes it is. How could it be otherwise?
5
Add music and the boredom goes away. And your child will love it too.
9
When my son was a toddler, he and I would spend, what seemed like an eternity, on his floor taking a part and reassembling his train tracks with the goal of using every piece possible and then run his trains on them. He could do these daily marathon sessions with breaking sweat. Part of my brain relished these moments and the other part was counting down the moments to nap time. And now what seems like overnight, he’ll be 13 in two short months. I love dearly this current not so little boy but I sorely miss the little boy, who routinely showed up at the edge of my bed saying “momma crocs, glasses see more better,” and ushering me to his room for another marathon session with Thomas and Friends. Yes, being a parent can be boring but parenting is not.
12
@ST sorry for the typos. He could do these daily marathon sessions without breaking a sweat. I wish NYTimes would allow you to edit after posting.
5
@ST: So do I. I reread before clicking submit, but more often than not find a typo (or an argument between spellcheck & me that I’ve lost) after I click submit. Grrrr.
This article is funny to me! Not for a minute did it ever occur to me that either of my two children had “limited cognitive capacity”! Good thing no one ever told me that when they were little! I remember having all kinds of theological conversations with my eldest when he was five years old. He probably thought I was cognitively limited!
7
@Tamara. The talk of “ limited cognitive capacity” was not about 5 year olds, many of whom can be really fun to talk to and seldom if ever boring to hang out with.
5 MONTH olds are however a different story. I won’t impugn your cognitive capacity but you need to read more carefully.
This article was about babies and toddlers. Not kindergarteners and up.
8
Oh God. Taking care of my daughter when she was little made me nuts! Yes, I could talk nursing, potty training and food choices with the best of them. But I was not a great little kid mother. I LOVED being with my daughter from school-age onward. As a teenager, she rocked! She is now away at college and I find her endlessly fascinating but I am glad that day-to-day parenting is behind me. And yes, my daughter adores both my husband and me. She spends time with us and I doubt she suffered much because I was bored. Thank God no phones existed then. I also read lots of books.
21
Thank you for this elegantly written article, which does such a nice job getting at the complexities of emotions involved in parenting young children. It's a time that can be loved and hated simultaneously; I miss that rich and deeply bonded period very much, yet I'm so glad that it's over.
18
As a very involved grandma I had to chuckle reading this piece. Just yesterday my four-year-old granddaughter (who is in my care three days a week) announced, "OK Grandma now we're going to have a tea party but there's only one rule. You can't bring your phone because you might want to look at it." Good rule! We enjoyed our pretend tea and treats with no interruptions.
34
Some of these commenters seem to miss the point of the article: the doctor is giving permission to Mothers (who do not find their infant able to satisfy all of their needs during every minute of the day) to indulge in other activities. There is absurd cultural pressure for a “Mommy” that spends her whole day with her child. In any other time and place the expectation for this level of “bonding” would be absurd. In my own observation the Mothers who make their infants (after 8-10 months), toddlers and young children their entire day stifle their child’s development and impair their own.
39
I loved the boredom of babyhood. Just me and baby on maternity leave, whiling away the hours. Roaming a store, sitting in a chair reading while a baby napped on me. Wondering what the apartment dwellers across from me were doing up during the midnight feedings; spying on them. With now a toddler and a preschooler and a full time job there is not a lot of time for boredom. Tediousness, yes, but not boredom.
18
@Sarah "Maternity leave" Sigh, what a dream for a more civilized society. There's no maternity leave at fast food joints, or being a CNA.
3
If your expectations of childhood - and your particular child's version of it - are in tune with reality, I think it's a little easier to set your engagement level to what is called for. Maybe it's just fine to read a book or chat on the phone from now and then. In fact, there are times that a loosening up is really important, really healthy. Kids need to work some things out on their own, and on our part, we need to not go crazy. We have to modulate ourselves to keep our equanimity.
Young children are studying for a PhD in self-regulation, soaking it up, and we are an important models and partners in that quest. We have to be there for them, because they are learning self-regulation in concert with us. So our equanimity is key. By all means take a break here and there, because it's good for us, and so we're kindly, stable guides for our children. Taking the long view...
11
For me, the endless hours of housework is what is so boring and tedious. The cooking, cleaning, laundry, and other chores that take place daily are awful, and are often done at the expense of spending quality time with my children. I work outside the home all day while the kids are at school, so our together time is often getting the routine chores done, meals prepped, and homework out of the way. We are screen free during the week, so the kids need to find something else to do. I would love a full time house keeper to manage the boring routine chores, so I could spend my evenings with the kids reading their books and studying their lessons. They are only young once.
33
Why aren’t you doing the chores together instead of passing on the belief that ‘chores’ means something bad? There’s a lot of joy and fun to be had in cleaning, cooking and laundry.
1
Could you outsource some of the drudgery?
1
I really don't remember being bored, and yes, I was one of those parents who didn't read or do anything else when I was feeding my child – even though I was a single parent from the time my child was thirteen months old (so I didn't have any consistent help). But that doesn't mean that I was a better parent than someone else; I just am not easily bored, and I find children intriguing, even when they are irritating. I also had a pretty independent child and one who even at her least appealing was grumpy and inward, not explosive. But that's me, and we all have our own ways of dealing with children and anything else. A little understanding and tolerance of each other's differences goes a long way.
11
Goodness there was no time for boredom! Our lives were filled with trips to the public library for story time, renting sing along videos, listening to music tapes endlessly rewinding playing rewinding playing tape..unstructured play besides puzzles Legos barbies and what not!
By the time they were ready for elementary school after Montessori, the kids were creative poets and musicians, performing with their cousins, hours of skits and drama! They would record their surprise performance over days and then invite the parents to their “show” ta-dah! Simple marvelous and delicious! Just too precious and divine, every moment, magical! Tears and all!
16
I'm with you, @petey tonei. I loved being a parent, and now, decades later, find that we still have things to learn about each other.
6
@petey tonei Definitely not a universal experience. Depends on the personality of the parent. Parenting very young children was often painful drudgery for me. I find so much more joy and excitement in it as they get older. It’s ok to have different experiences as parents.
41
@petey tonei That's great, but honestly if it were all that 100% of the time without about an hour to myself each day, I'd crack.
Like all that unstructured playtime? By a certain age a parent shouldn't be involved - and the kids don't want them there!
Yes, being the parent of a small child is boring, but I am here to tell you that when that time is gone you will miss it, and it passes faster than you could ever imagine.
27
@D Priest
Some will probably miss it, but I can assure you that many others cheer for each step toward independence their child makes, knowing that they are cheering their own approaching independence as well.
32
Well said.
1
@Marian Drabkin
My kids are now in their 20's. And when anybody asks me what my favorite age was, I always respond "The current one." The older they get, the more interesting they become. I was bored to tears when they were babies.
22
A relative who had a failure of in vitro a number of times would have been thrilled to be “bored” with childcare.
Sorry for the guilt trip. But you know, sometimes it just can’t be helped.
I see parents “easing” their boredom by clinging to their phones in restaurants while their kids sit there, staring around wondering why no one is talking to them and where do they quite fit in the “family outing.”
I hear fellow employees complaining that they didn’t get any sleep because their sick kids “kept them up all night.”
I hear parents commenting how much time, energy, money they invest in their kids’ birthday parties, family vacations, before school year expenses.
And yes, I see the tears and agony of women that have not been able to become pregnant. They might have been “bored” too. Who knows? They never even got the chance...
11
@MIMA I would like to respectfully disagree with the notion that crying and agonizing over wanting to have a baby makes you immune to occasional boredom once that baby arrives. I had 3 miscarriages and 2 failed rounds of IVF between the birth of my daughter and my son. I shed more tears than I could ever count in our quest to have a second child, and I swore that I would treasure every moment of his life if only he could be born safe and sound. (I hope it goes without saying that I love my daughter beyond words, but in my grief and angst I somehow convinced myself that I had taken her existence for granted, and that if given the chance I would never make that mistake again.)
Predictably enough, my son was born and he has been the light of our lives for a little over 3 years now. There are moments every day when I wish I could freeze time and just enjoy my children like this forever, and that feeling is indescribably beautiful. But at the same time, there are afternoons when playing with cars for another hour or cajoling him to eat his vegetables just becomes downright boring. I think insinuating that a parent would never be "bored" with their children because they had suffered to bring them into this world ignores just how difficult full-time parenting can be, tears and agony notwithstanding.
79
@MIMA A person whose attempts to become pregnant have failed might wish for the chance to be bored with children. A person with a child can find parts of parenting boring. Both are valid feelings, and one should not preclude the other from being acceptable.
34
Amen @MIMA
3
I agree that it can be boring at times to be the parent of young children. No, it's not necessary to pay attention to every moment of their lives. However, what I have found disturbing is how often parents are with their young children and on the smartphone. I'm not witnessing vital conversations or emergencies. But when a child is holding a parent's hand as they walk down the street, it would be nice to see the parent and the child having a conversation.
I grew up with a television in the house. That stupid television set took precedence over reasonable conversations, quiet time, or any number of other things. I resented it.
Children don't need to be the center of attention all the time. But they do need to feel that their parents are present. Those repetitive games that bore adults, the insistence upon the same books and routine help children. Boredom to us might represent safety to them.
62
@hen3ry I really agree about the smartphones. It bothers me so much that if I had the courage, I'd go up to a parent who is chatting away and suggest that she/he talk to the child instead. And I once saw a hair-raising episode when the mother wasn't holding her toddler's hand while crossing a broad avenue and the child ended up way behind her, in traffic! Did she comfort the child when he finally got across the street? No, she scolded him for not keeping up! But as for television, in our house we watched a few of the better PBS shows for children, and then the TV was turned off. And when I was a child, we got one hour of TV among my two sisters and me, except for educational programs – and in those days there was hardly any of that for kids. So we watched some good programming for adults and probably learned a lot, including patience when some things weren't entirely clear.And we did all kinds of fun kid things, went outside, made up games (some of them very silly) and a lot more.
6
Well said. When humans are together (child or adult) we should be present with each other. I can’t tell you how many parents come to pick up their children after being gone 9 hours with a cell phone to their ear. I have no problem with children being at school at a young age, but I do have a problem with parents who treat their children like luggage being picked up from baggage claim.
11
The other day we were out to dinner. The table next to us had a couple with a child (could’t Tell if it was parents or grandparents. The woman never spoke to the man. She had the ‘fun’ sheet given to the kid as they sat down. She was going through each item as if it was a college entry exam & wouldn’t let up until he got the answer right. Using the same words over & over. Then the meals arrived. She kept it up, took a mouthful, then read another problem (they were up to math), browbeat that kid for a correct answer. She was eating but never gave him a chance. Finely he pushed the plate back & said, ‘I won’t eat my chicken’. She didn’t ask him why, just went on with the math. Oh, she was talking to him ok. Pushing him. Demanding of him. He was young enough he didn’t know that what you have attached to your hand is 5 fingers. But, she’d grab the hand, straighten the fingers, push them down on the table & say how many. I’d say ‘how many what?’ The man might as well have been invisible. What did that small child learn? That ignoring someone is fine. That pushing & demanding is right. That not allowing someone to eat their meal is ok too. When my husband & I go down the street. WE don’t always talk to each other. Sometimes we are silent, maybe he’s on the phone, it’s his work phone. But, if you saw him you wouldn’t know. When I was a kid, the adults ran the conversation. We were brought in, but, not as an instigator. We were kids. I learned a lot about my family, listening.
Oh my! The beautiful moments were pure bliss. it was the isolation and lack of adult interaction that made baby tending so very difficult for me.
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@oh, well: this is why I love being a grandparent. I take care of my 2 yr old grandson one day a week. Time with him is beyond precious. But I remember how isolating it was when I was parenting full-time.
1) you don’t need to be interacting with your child (even an infant/toddler) every second.
2) yes it’s boring sometimes, but that’s the price you pay for all the cool/fun/amazing moments! when i go on a hike, i’m kinda bored for at least 60% of it, but i know that if i don’t do the boring part, i won’t be able to see the amazing view. you don’t just get to show up for the amazing view.
3) parenting is not the only boring thing in the world. work is boring, cocktail parties are boring....
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@L
Good analogies, the hike is especially pertinent to me. I'm expecting my first child and will keep this in mind, knowing it's not fun and exciting all the time, but all the drudgery and hard work will pay off (hopefully!)
1
Oh, thank you so very much for this article!
When I was 16 I had a job as a 'mother's helper' to a 6 year-old boy just for one summer. Perfectly normal kid. But I found that job so tedious, so boring, so replete with repetition that I decided right then that I didn't want to have children.
I have seen now that when you have your OWN children it's all different: they are exceptional and fascinating and above average. And one's grand-children even more so, I have seen.
So, I am grateful that someone has let the cat out of the bag.
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Always have something to read; otherwise, you’ll end up pondering the metaphysical implications of instructions for use or a nutrition facts label.
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I found, in working with children, that I was able to feel deeply focused on and engaged by the kids with special needs. Helping them reach their potential was an exciting and creative process. Typical kids were less challenging and more alike to me.
2
Unfortunately the parenting culture has tried to convince us that kids not only need attention, they need high level intellectual and verbal engagement every waking moment.
Letting your kid entertain themselves for half an hour (or heaven forbid watch one TV show) while you take a break, or just listening to the news on the radio and getting the housework done without making a math game out of sorting socks...selfish mommy!
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@Di Yes, I battled with this notion that monologuing the world is the best way to teach a baby.
Many things about me have changed since having a child, but I'm a pretty quiet person. So I don't monologue. Sometimes I just babble back her sounds - plenty of professionals would argue that I'm just not *teaching* her appropriately and oh gosh, she'll never learn the right words.
I read to her every day before bed. She'll learn plenty. And hopefully learn how to be peaceful in her own head.
1
There are truly moments of joy, but honestly? To me, 95% of childcare up until the kid is maybe 6 is mind-numbing, soul-killing, tedious drudgery and boredom. It's ok if you only have to do it a couple hours a day, but full-time is torture. Heaven deliver me from having to play CandyLand with a little kid. I'm sorry.
I gave up reading books (for myself) until they reached about age 7, because 10,000 interruptions. Magazines only. I was so happy to be able to read a book again.
They start getting interesting when they are about 8.
To those who love taking care of babies and young children, I take off my hat to you, sincerely.
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@Madeline Conant I’m so with you. Thank you for making me feel less alone. My boys are 6 and 9 and I’m finally really starting to feel more joy and fun in parenting. I think people are just different - for some the baby years are really wonderful and engaging with young children is fun and fascinating. For others, we have to just get through those early years to get to a place where it feels more satisfying...
12
@Madeline Conant--deliver me from infants, but around 15 or 18 months, when language is really kicking in and they are truly persons, I found my own kids fascinating. And from then on they just kept getting better and more interesting, each stage better than the last one. The things they are able to do! Now in their early 30's, they are truly amazing people.
But there were a lot of boring times along the way, I'll agree. I was a teacher of young children, though, which was hardly every boring (much as I hoped for a boring day), so I didn't really mind if my home life was not fascinating and constantly full of challenges.
1
@Madeline Conant: You call it taking care of kids. You make it sound interesting. Most everyone else here calls it ‘parenting’. It’s a job. It must be done right. It must be done perfectly, meaning whatever the theory is this generation. Like any ‘job’, it has it’s good points & bad. It’s not that you want this little being around you, showing you the piece of lint they got on their cute little finger, ‘Dirty, don’t touch, don’t put it in your mouth, bad baby, don’t don’t don’t’. I hear that through the window here at the apartment complex all summer. The parent, the one with the job of turning this little lump of protoplasm into a very successful adult, in no more than 22.5 years, including at least one doctorate, puts down a plastic drop cloth, with a large sheet over it, puts baby on it & keeps the kid from touching anything not sterile. Don’t ever see them after a snow storm. I remember, Mom had to shovel the LONG driveway so Dad could get in, she’d put me in my snowsuit & gently toss me in a snowbank where she could see me. I remembering watching her, the clouds, the shadows moving. Waiting till she did it again. I giggled. A lot. Now after a snow storm no kids of any age come out to play in it. No bootprints, no snowmen, no snow angels. I remember joy. I remember fun. I don’t remember perfection. Thank God. Remember dirt is FUN! So is getting dirty.
I think of parenting babies and toddlers like life guarding — having to be constantly watchful, ready to spring into action at all times. It’s really hard to be ever present to ensure you’re there if/when there’s an emergency. Oh, and while you’re being Uber vigilant, feed/snuggle/clean/educate/connect...
19
I like to read The NY Times on my phone during all those endless hours at the playground/children’s museum/sports field. When I suffer a fleeting moment of guilt for being visibly disengaged from my children in public (the ultimate taboo!) I remind myself that parents need and deserve mental stimulation too. I wish I could say that I’m impervious to the looks of judgment I sometimes receive, but I often bring a book instead just so I’ll be judged less harshly.
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@Amanda--I used to take a book or magazine with me everywhere. Maybe you could hide your phone in a book and get fewer judgmental glares.
When I was a kid (born in 75) part of being a kid was playing. Playing was for the kids world. Adults weren't supposed to be involved in the kid world.
@Charles J Gervasi: Born in 51, adults weren’t allowed in our world. But then, by 6 we could cross the street & play with the neighbor kids, without having an official play ‘date’ scheduled.
My kids are recently out of this phase (They are 5.5 & 7) and the toddler age was very boring & trying for me at times. Just relentless, how they would wander around all day and pull everything off of the shelves, out of drawers, etc but not PLAY with anything or do any activity for more than 10 minutes. They were just exploring their world. I loved hearing their language develop, and loved watching their bond grow as brothers - they are 1.5 yrs apart and so in similar stages most of the time. I now watch my nieces and nephews in these phases and as cute as they are, I am thankful I am past it, but enjoy looking back on it with disbelief, amazement and awe.
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@SunshineAndHayfields Yes!! I find I can get so much more joy and wonder in dealing with my neices/nephews/friend’s young children than I was able to with my own. The day to day work, drudgery, and sleep deprivation made it difficult to see The wonder in witnessing a developing little human. I find interacting with my own kids as they get older so much more interesting and rewarding...
4
This is one of the most important article I’ve read in a while. It normalized a very common and often guilt-producing feeling. You truly imagine that something is wrong with you when you have these thoughts. As the mother of two adults, I feel that it was all worth it but even so...
35
I enjoyed this essay and was reminded of many of the stages we've gone thru as parents. My husband was freaked out to change diapers and once he learned, he'd be up there changing a diaper for 20 minutes, singing songs and being goofy. Now our son is 12 and we're entering the teens year. I recently reconnected with a group of older women (former book group friends) who meet once a month for dinner; their children are long out of the house. I can ask them anything about parenting and they give a real answer, no judging since they've seen it all. I'm often clueless as this is a different culture for me. I love these wise women and limit my questions to about 10 minutes of the whole evening. I don't miss diapers, sleepless nights, low blood sugar breakdowns, or going to insanely boring formulaic cartoon movies in a movie theatre.
15
I miss that baby boredom age. I wish I could turn back the clock and be bored again. Now I’m Uber mom- the kind who has to be the cab driver for two tweens shuttling between karate, swim and tennis.
3
@Pb
My son's a senior in high school. For myself, hanging out at the sporting and music activities has often been the only chance to hang out with my other (also cab driving or working) friends, and was a lot more fun. I ended up volunteer coaching cross country for two years - more pointing than running for me, those kids are fast! - and enjoyed getting to know a group of my son's schoolmates as well as a number of dedicated teachers and coaches.
5
I wish for boredom. Instead, as a mother of an intensely temperamental toddler, I haven’t had a moment of letting my mind drift when caring for him since he was born. So the idea of reading novels, staring at my phone etc. is a pure fantasy for me, and I bet many other parents. Daily tedium is a different thing. But the idea that you have a brain to spare when around your restless kid is just a foreign concept for me...Parenting is not boring. It is relentless in the amount of attention it requires. And, thankfully, also rewarding in the joy it brings.
13
My kiddos were both very high-needs babies too. It does feel so relentless and tedious, especially when they are always restless when awake and unpredictable sleepers. My saving grace was audio books. I could listen to a 40 hour book in a few days, through marathon nursing sessions and endless walking and bouncing with my baby in the Ergo carrier.
14
My kids are now 14 and 10. They occupy themselves much of their time on their devices. The 10 year old started watching The Office on Netflix just over a week ago. In a matter of days, she is now on Season 5! She will sit on Netflix for hours at a time. I'm so proud of how many episodes she has watched in such a short time. Meanwhile, I like the quiet time for me for reading the paper, commenting on articles, etc. I love Netflix. It occupies my children so I don't have to be a camp counselor.
All kidding aside, we do a few fun things together outside of the house each week. But Netflix has been a godsend.
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@ABC123 This makes me so sad.
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@ABC123 I think this has to be a joke.
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@ABC123 "All kidding aside..." you ARE kidding right, proud of Netflix for hours at a time? If it's true, well, I feel sorry for all of you.
12
“The experience of engaging with a creature all day long who has a limited cognitive capacity"
This makes me wonder why nobody complains about spending time with pets. They, too, are needy creatures of limited cognitive capacity (compared to an adult human anyway), and they, too, delight in mindless, repetitive and boring activities like throwing the same ball over and over until you can't feel your arm anymore. Unless you're doing some kind of focused training work, the daily grind of pet care isn't that much more exciting than child care. Except the kid eventually starts talking to you and peeing in the toilet, while the pet remains at the toddler stage forever, with all the repetitive boring stuff and occasional peed-on carpet that that entails...
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@Nefertiti
But the pet only wants limited interactions. You play for a few minutes and then you go shopping or watch TV or read a book and the pet isn't in your face so no complaining and no comparison.
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@Nefertiti
Pets are a lot more independent than young children and only need/want intermittent interaction.
Pets can take part in many activities their owners would be doing anyway (say, running or hiking.)
And generally, people who choose to own pets like interacting with them; that's why they have them. Most people who have children do so for other reasons, not because they enjoy playing with a 3-year-old.
11
@TT: And it seems it’s cute to be be mean to your pet. I know someone who videotaped their pup trying to get to his favorite toys. She had put them all up on the bed & he was too small to jump up. He kept trying, getting more & more frustrated & unhappy, & she laughed & laughed, the comments the video got were all positive. As on 4th of July she taped him going nuts from the noise of the fireworks, not trying to make him feel safe, or calmer. Just again laughing. Cruel. Do that to a toddler, get arrested for child abuse. Do it to a pet, your friends think it’s adorable. I think some people should live all alone in an empty world.
Whether as parent or grandparent, my experience is that from birth to several years old, children change very quickly, almost suddenly. You wake up one day and they say or do something totally shocking because they never did anything like it the day before.
One day I was reading a book to my two year old son who started looking a little bored. So I thought out loud that maybe I should try another book. He looked up at me with eyes rolling and said, "Definitely." He never said that word or much else except babble. I couldn't believe it and no one else but it's true. That's one of those amazing moments that makes everything else worth it.
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We have it easy here in that regard. The silver lining to our otherwise regrettable tiny maternity leave is that we get to go back to our adult lives very soon, and only sprinkle in child-rearing here and there. Our comrades in Europe are stuck in the boredom for years at a time. While that's probably good for the bond and the child, it's not so good for the sanity of the mother, or for the equality of the marriage (women get pushed deeper into "traditional" roles and can't climb out of them even after they eventually return to work as the playing field never really levels out).
For me, it wasn't the boredom though. It was the annoyance. I'm fairly creative, patient and calm, and didn't mind holding the newborn lump staring lovingly into each other's eyes for hours, or singing songs over and over again. That was fine. What really got me though was all the many ways in which caring for young children can be deeply annoying. Like when you spend all that time and effort setting up the perfect sleep environment, following all the advice, doing all the routines, and yet, your infant explodes into deafening screams the moment her sleepy butt touches the crib. And then you do it all over again at every nap or bedtime. Or when they go through one of the defiant stages of toddlerhood and resist you for no reason at all, and everything you do and say is wrong and can trigger another tantrum. Oh, I would take all the boredom in the world, if I could only trade it for the annoyance!
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@Nefertiti Funny how different points of view can be. I find paid parental leave to be the most amazing possibility to slow down, take time for what‘s really important, while knowing that I will be able to return to my job whenever I want and no one can push me or keep me from it. My partner and I both took a year of parental leave together after our first son was born and will do so again after the second one is born in June. Sure, women are set back when they allow their (male) partners to take none of the responsibility of child care. That‘s why it‘s called PARENTAL leave and not maternity leave in Germany. Also, the boredom of those endless daily routines is much easier to handle when you share it with another adult.
21
It's different in different countries, of course. If there are ways to get both parents involved, it's better for everybody. But in a lot of countries still, that's solely the mother's job, and she's held hostage by her role and at the mercy of her husband. And the boredom, frustration and tedium of being stuck in the house with a young child for years really does wear down on the mother's psyche, even if there are enjoyable moments in there as well. I grew up in Europe and my friends and relatives are still there, scattered around the continent, and my impression of their stories is that, while it's a wonderful thing, long maternal leave does come with certain costs, which are worth noting over here in the US, where we feel depressed and jealous and see long leave through rose-tinted shades as this wonderful miracle other people have. It is great, of course, especially when the father is involved as well. But in the context of this article, speaking of long stretches of boring/tedious/frustrating care, there is something to be said for breaking that up sooner rather than later.
(or maybe I'm just trying to find something good in a situation I can't change!)
7
@Nefertiti: I was that child, butt touch the crib, mouth opened, screams echoed. I have memories of being in my crib, with horrible monsters roaming my pink wallpaper. None in the cages on the wall paper. People walking there too. Scared me horribly. It was stylized French zoo wallpaper. Pink background, black cages, animals, people, in silhouette. I still would swear it moved.
At about 4 I still screamed when put to bed. Mom put me down, kissed me & left. Door open for light. She told me years later I would scream until I was sure she knew this wasn’t my choice. Then almost instantly I was asleep. Kids have to resist. They have to become their own people. They really start around 2. To you resistance is for no reason isn’t for no reason. To a 2 year old NO is a word they have heard forever. But, never said. You say NO. They finally get it, they are not you. They are separate. They can say NO. So, like everything we must learn, it is with repetition. You may notice that sometimes they scream NO when they really mean yes. But, won’t backtrack. For the word is more important that the reason they said it. May drive you crazy, but, it’s a necessary step for them to grow. Now the ride will get fast & bumpy. If parents let it, if they don’t, they can end up with a little whimp, who can never take care of themselves. Imagine dating if you can’t say no to anyone. Or working. Or negotiating.