She is not nice.
5
I purchased a nice $4 bouquet on Valentine's day from Trader Joe's. She spent at least $30 plus labor to make a nice dinner. We are not married. Before you judge, in the long run she receives a lot more. We had a nice evening.
2
how easily we seem to have erased the boundary between the private and the public.
3
I find it concerning that the writer--once an international student herself--seems to follow this man all over the,earth for the benefit of his career. Sounds like she is missing more than romance.
4
Getting flowers on Valentine's Day is nice, why sneer at it or give it more meaning than just being a thoughtful gesture? While I don't thnk meaning to, the author comes acress as a grouch.
7
While I appreciate the thoughtful passages articulating the farce of Valentine´s Day and naive romanticism, the relationship described in the article appears to be built on the Asperger-Autism spectrum. Such a relationship does not work for most people.
7
From my point of view, a NYT essay in which you declare your love for your husband seems pretty romantic, whatever the ardent trappings of your marriage. Some spouses I know struggle even to find themselves in their partner's Instagram accounts.
Your essay brought one other thought to mind. My father was a romantic; my mother less so. He devotedly brought flowers home to my Mom on every occasion. Looking back, I imagine she was pleased, though she often seemed to fuss. Really, I don't know how they made her feel. But I do know how they made me feel: safe and secure and loved.
4
Something in your description here is disturbing. Your husband "tends to take in stride" your infatuations with other men? That sounds to me like extreme emotional indifference (he's not threatened or jealous at all?). This is different than an lack of romance (whatever that means). Minimizing your feelings as "frivolous romantic fantasies" shows how much you have bought into his attitude towards love and real emotional atunement and intimacy (which IS part of a great relationship). It comes through in your essay that you feel something is missing - well, it is.
7
@Elizabeth, I suspect that the writer may be exaggerating her husband’s indifference for effect, but even if she is not, ephemeral crushes are normal in long marriages. Imagining what it might be like with another person? Normal. Affairs? Common enough to be considered normal, but certainly not good for a relationship (unless it is an open or polyamorous one). Fantasizing about an unavailable person is not an affair. I don’t know how old you are, or whether you are even in a relationship, but I don’t think it’s up to you to judge the dynamics of other people’s marriages. Sure, it might be cruel if a spouse waves a flirtation or infatuation in the face of their partner, with the intention of hurting him or her. But it’s equally possible that each of these spouses gives the other room to be who they are, warts and all, and that they simply trust one another. There is nothing negative about that. It’s lovely.
6
@Elizabeth it's just typical Israeli indifference, which is not indifference really but a tendency to take everything in stride, esp passionate emotion.
For the last 25 years, My wife and I consider everyday to be valentine's day.
5
I am typically the unsentimental, unromantic one in our relationship, but every Valentine's Day my husband gets me flowers and something sweet, even though he knows I don't care, and the fact that he does it knowing that I actually don't care whether or not he does is something that I find romantic and touching. There are ways of being romantic, or experiencing what that can mean, that don't give into Hollywoodism or whatever else - and that is simply by knowing that the sentiment behind the flowers is real, even if the day itself is commercial.
6
"...the fragile assumption that our current selves can make promises for our future selves."
Ironically, the essence of a promise is extending a current commitment into the future. With a few exceptions, keeping a promise is a virtue.
4
I am also not American and of course don't subscribe to Hollywood vision of love (and roses you can buy in most shops these days, as someone noticed in a comment under other article about sequencing their genome, don't just smell nice anymore), but if there is something I appreciate and learnt from people in the US is that little gestures or few words can do magic and it is fine to have fun. True love doesn't have to be only down to earth, so why not make this candle dinner tonight or whenever will suit you? You will be happy and he will not mind as far as I understood. I wish my parents did it at least once.
4
My husband of 30 years is no romantic. There is something to be said for steadfastness, though, and I hate cut flowers and greeting card sentiments. Good chocolate is welcome whether it’s Valentine’s Day or just Tuesday. So is running the vacuum around the house and cooking dinner.
The most overtly romantic couples I’ve known through the years have all ended up divorced. Those are the couples who just have to tell everyone what cute, sweet thing their spouse did on their anniversary, or how he proposed on bended knee at sunset on a beach in Bali. I remember being slightly jealous, decades ago, of an acquaintance whose fiancé presented her engagement ring in a covered dessert at a swank restaurant, flew her to romantic destinations to luxuriate in posh hotels, and showered her with expensive gifts (much jewelry, and even a car). Prince Charming, with a good income and a generous nature. They married, then divorced just a few years later because the guy had been wooing multiple girlfriends the whole time. And I bet he was romantic and “smooth” with all of them. Like the writer, I don’t trust smooth.
2
My husband and I have a similar attitude toward Valentine's Day, although we both grew up in America with its over-the-type hype of the holiday.
We simply don't celebrate it -- other than wishing each other Happy Valentine's Day in the morning. What we DO celebrate is the anniversary of our first date, in March. More personal, more meaningful and, to us, more romantic.
5
My marriage is similar. Except I’m sad about it. I met my wife in grad school. We helped each other over the next ten years through a lot of debt and being broke, to advance our careers. Last year we got married by signing papers without any family or friends in attendance. We now have great careers and maybe not a great marriage. I was relieved to read about a similar situation and relate to a lot of the points, but it left me sad.
7
The Dutch are indeed very chilly. Perhaps it's the climate, or maybe the eternal threat of water.
8
Brilliant! I really enjoyed this essay. I found it light-hearted, sweet, loving and funny.
6
The month of romance is fast approaching, but some probably aren’t looking forward to February 14th and by that I mean me r. Valentine’s Day, or the “hallmark holiday,”is embraced by couples who exchange love letters and candy hearts who profess their affections for those they secretly admire via cards and flowers. It’s not uncommon for family, co-workers, and friends to give each other valentines gifts as well. It seems everybody deserves to be given a heart-shaped box of chocolates at least once a year. Still, I scorn Valentine’s Day as a corporate holiday that just reminds me of feelings of aloneness. This year, more than any other, people will be exchanging valentines over the internet , likely in the from of “e-cards.” In fact, people actually will meet each other on the Internet, too, whether by their own initiative or through an online dating website. Some of these people will even get married. The world of dating has drastically changed. I mean its ridiculous.
Whether you’re looking at the new millennium, courtship and dating are pretty simple concepts. But they’ve always caused anguish among those who are looking for love or are knee-deep in love. So id rather be doing something better then dwelling on a stupid holiday.
I would like to see every woman who thinks her husband isn't "romantic" because he doesn't buy her overpriced roses on Valentine's Day and is angry with him for this to hug him a little tighter tonight. Because there are many of us who would give anything to have our own unromantic guys back again driving us crazy, but we can't, because they're dead.
25
My husband is going to come home a little early from work and cook my favorite dinner of artichoke lemon feta on naan bread with a tomato basil grilled corn salad! I bought him some beer-infused peanut brittle (because he's a huge fan of interesting things) along with a heart shaped chocolate lollipop from a local chocolate maker that I want to help stay in business.
We both express feelings the way we want to, because that's what love is.
The best ever Valentines wish I'd ever gotten came this morning- after I dropped off a boy I tutor in the school gymnasium -he popped back out the gym door two seconds later and called happy Valentime's Day !
14
The heart is a fool, to paraphrase Beefheart, and VDay is its feast day. Exhorbitant roses litter the table of its solipsistic sugars, as paired narcissists fathom endless shallows for their best reflection.
8
"I'm a sentimental romantic at heart"?
Could have fooled me.
36
I like the sentiment of this article. I agree that romanticism and life-long commitment are somewhat unreasonably expected by society at large. I don't believe in permanence either.
But the author might be better served to resist the societal expectation, rather than assume that her experience or style of relationship is somehow more natural.
"Of course, after more than 25 years in a relationship, the fire of passion has dimmed to a glow of familiarity." To me, there is nothing remotely 'of course' about this idea. Society at large also wrongfully expects passion to diminish in a relationship.
My wife, with whom I've been together for nearly 20 years, still takes my breath away. The excitement I feel to watch her get out bed, to look at her when she comes home, at a word, at a touch- I can go on- has decidedly grown over the years.
Our familiarity has only increased our passion. Knowing what awaits right around the corner, and then it actually, almost unbelievably, being there in our impermanent world- nope, not dim.
But I'm sure many, likely the author herself, do not believe me to hear it.
Some fantasy, someone new, different, or unfamiliar is supposed to be more exciting or passionate in some way? No thanks. I'll keep my fantasies about my wife. And, I'll continue to live them.
35
Is it just me, or was everyone served up an ad for roses in the middle of this story? Irony can be so ironic sometimes.
8
Right, long-term relationships aren't about romance—think we've all got that by now! But I love any excuse to inject a little romance into my relationship and so does my husband. Even if we're capitulating—happily!—to an over-marketed, utterly cliche holiday. This was a classic NYT over-thinking buzz kill.
21
Totally disagree. This was the most romantic thing I’ve read in a while. Its only shortcoming as I see it was the clichéd description of declining physical passion. (You missed a spot.) Thanks for writing this.
7
Everyone with any savvy at all knows that Valentine's day is a capitalist plot to make big bucks for the Valentine's industry. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors.
16
How tedious that, with stunning regularity, we can expect articles of this ilk every Valentine's Day. Sober-sounding but cliche lessons about how the standard take on romance isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Where's the piece on centarians' advice on love, marriage, and living a life without regrets? We're about due for another one of those.
Really, NY Times, spare us.
13
Personally, I'm grateful for any romantic and thoughtful gestures that come my way, regardless of how they come about. Yes, Valentine's Day has been highly commercialized -- but then, so has just about every celebration or happy occasion in our lives. Should we then not celebrate anything just because commercial interests have put money in the game? Truly I feel
very sorry for both the author and her partner if they are living such reactionary and joyless lives.
18
We take away different things. I see this article promoting the pleasure of sincere experience.
12
Just curious, why did you choose my comment to respond to, rather than the many others which reflect similar views to my own?
1
@Brenda J Gannam - I agree with you - and with this dreary February weather, any holiday with displays of affection, no matter how corny - are lovely!
3
Seriously, NYTimes? Another tedious, unoriginal essay lecturing the rest of us that taking one day out of the year to celebrate love (romantic or otherwise) makes us lemmings and saps? Yes, we get it, Judith Hertog, you've found the perfect recipe. And yes, your boyfriend, future husband, got sucked into American commercialism for a fleeting moment. Thank heaven you killed that instinct. So much better to give yourself the annual pat on the back that you've never wasted a single Feb 14th showing any sign of romance.
40
@D MillsOr any other day, it seems.
4
Only those (seemingly regular) days when she pines for a more ardent lover and develops adulterous crushes on others....and then tells her husband about it! Sounds like an emotionally immature neurotic to me.
3
Love is a vague word. It can mean a hundred different kinds of feelings. It seems to me that attachment is the word that describes the more important feeling that people have for each other. It has almost nothing to do with romance. You can be attached emotionally to a spouse or child or parent or friend, and it carries on through all kinds of good and bad times and events.
It is possible to be attached to an ex-spouse in the same way. It's not about attraction. You may not even like them all the time. It's that you care about them more than you do about other people. Somehow their life has become permanently entwined with yours and you will always care how their life goes.
12
My experience supports Hertog's argument. My late spouse and I married because I'd just gotten a Fulbright and our marriage would simplify the red tape and increase the financial support. Best decision of my life. I was the nonromantic academic at the time, but became more romantic and more in love over the decades we had together. The only downside is that death tears a huge hole in your heart, but it's worth it.
33
Sorry you’re missing the passion.
10
ah clickbait, you rascal.
here we have someone wasting my time justifying to herself why she is cool not getting sentiment from her 25 year lover.
certainly society is oppressing her by suggesting that passion and romance have value, that she should have need to take pen in hand and rectify this cultural mistake.
nah - reads like a mid-life crisis.
fair enough....i'm having one myself at the moment, for different reasons and i'm not making excuses for it in any event.
but nah....romance and passion are real things....most of us feel this throughout our lives and its cool and fun to celebrate it.
thanks though.....
9
My husband is a little like Gil--logical, reserved and not one for grand displays of romance (though he has written me many beautiful notes that I like to reread and cry over, and he's a master cuddler). But he shows his love in ways that are far more profound than flowers or fancy dinners--like helping me nurse my elderly father back to health after major surgery, letting me sleep in when our son wakes up at 5 a.m., and standing with me through the pain of many unsuccessful infertility treatments. We have spent many a date night at Costco or Home Depot, but laughing and enjoying our time together as we run errands by ourselves. I love him for all of those things. I love our life together, even the boring stuff (especially the boring stuff).
24
"They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever" - Oscar Wilde
This saying is the kind I try forgetting when I'm in a relationship, but which I love remembering when I'm single...
5
I started reading thinking, "Oh, this is a refreshing viewpoint on love." Very quickly it became apparent to me that the relationship described in the article was not something that I aspire to in any way. It is more akin to the platonic love of friendship than anything else. It is inspired by inertia and comfort. There is a false dichotomy of romantic love on one hand, reality on the other.
The author developing crushes on handsome men seems to be a tell.
Yes, I believe it is possible have romance and reality in the same relationship. So, in the end, this article simply described one persons lackluster relationship. I'm not sure how relevant that is.
41
Surely instead of such a pessimistic article we should all reach higher. Sure I have had failed relationships, I think most of us have, however a beautiful ideal such as romance should be sought out to alleviate human misery. Not that we always succeed, but its always better when you genuinely try. Its one of the most beautiful and enduring legacies of the Victorian era and one we should all embrace regardless how cloying.
9
I think this article represents a mismatch.
It's fine to be different from your partner, but if so, recognizing and appreciating that they have a stronger romantic need than you is important.
It's entirely possible to have a relationship that's both practical and stable, and romantic (and spanning many years). My husband and I are both "romantics" in terms of personality -- perhaps that's key?
1
I feel sorry for people like this. There are so much in loving and passionate affection to one another. I would rather be alone than lay in bed with a perfect stranger.
I feel sorry for you for not experience the affection and love of another person, the spark in their eyes, and deep connection.
9
I love the line - I can only take love day by day.
It's true: we choose, multiple times every day, how to love, whom to love, and the energy we are going to contribute to our relationships.
A couple years after choosing to leave my own companionable marriage, I've learned that my romantic relationship can extend to feelings and experiences that transcend well beyond loving friendship. The expansion, joy, sensual pleasure, and deep love that I experience and actively choose day by day with my current sweetheart has changed my entire life and my perspective on relating.
I am very grateful that my love and I are always excited to see each other, we welcome and create wild, fun, and joyful romance, while also inviting calm practicality, and we constantly recognize how lucky and grateful we are to experience such strong and mutual ardor. Especially as we are no longer in our youngest days.
Everyone has their own path and life to follow, but I wish joyous transformation, in whatever form, for everyone! If that comes through romantic love, than welcome it.
Valentine's Day could simply be another chance to celebrate the joys of relationship. I make cards for my mom, my young son, and my sweetie. Why not? It's fun and spreads joy!
4
Every day is Valentine's day. Who needs cards, candy and dead roses? Leave the cards in the store, the candy in the store and flowers in the plants.
12
@Jana That's fantastic if you have a partner who makes sweet gestures on the regular. But if not, it is nice to be acknowledged for once.
3
@Jana do you feel the same about patriotic holidays?
@Rachel
Yes and no. Birthdays anniversaries Independence day etc are more more personal. belong to an individusl couple or country. I am fine with celebrating. Just do not care for Valentine's day or other Hallmark imposed days. Makes those that have no partners and are sad about it even sadder.
1
I didn't feel any judgement coming across-only validation. When your husband is an engineer, romantic doesn't enter in. I struggled with that when I was young, but we have always done something meaningful and thoughtful for each other every day, no matter how small. What is typically thought of as romance doesn't fit our
personalities but love, trust and loyalty do. We have 33 years behind us and two wonderful adult children whom I am very proud of. That, my friends is my brand of romance.
20
@CR
Please don't perpetuate the engineer myth. I'm an engineer and my wife is a doctor. We have what we consider a very romantic marriage of 43 years. We're crazy about each other. And, we do Valentine's day--it's fun!
3
Since it is your own life and marriage, and you two are sympatico....nobody cares what you do or do not do to celebrate or not celebrate your relationship.
It does sound like a passive "friend" marriage -- which is fine -- but it telling that in your 50s, you are still getting romantic crushes and infatuations on OTHER MEN. Your husband is a good sport, but I wonder if he would be if you divorced him to go follow a crush.
BTW: every custom and marketing scheme does not require your participation. Some are silly, some are mercenary .... others are just fun. I find Valentine's Day fun but then I grew up with it, and the two of you did not.
24
So, Judith, who cares? Why do you feel the need to judge others? People express their love in different ways. Not all Americans are alike.
15
Everywhere we turn, more people prepared to police others.
13
I fell bad for Hertog, I still grin every morning when I wake up and see my wife's face.
25
I don’t see a passionless marriage here. It sounds very sweet and loving and I suspect spicier than the author lets on.
1
I get it...love is supposed to be spontaneous and unscripted, but so what if a person wants to have a little fun and buy some flowers, chocolates and some bubbly on Valentines Day for their loved one.
21
Glad it works for you but I feel sorry more than anything else after reading this.
35
Nice. Made my day :)
6
Very great article!
5
If the author is a "sentimental romantic at heart" - why can't she have a card and some chocolates alongside the "other pursuits" of raising kids, and writing and traveling? One does not invalidate the other. Gil, get this woman a big romantic Valentine's Day dinner, cake, flowers, cards and balloons at least once (with a follow-on essay for the rest of us.)
27
@Belle8888 exactly - all of the things the author values aren't mutually exclusive. Enjoying a celebration of Valentine's Day doesn't negate the other ways we show love.
5
Valentine's Day seems indeed to be an American commercial invention and the fact that so many Americans pay obeisance to it does not speak well of them and their individualism and their being forever other-directed, their hearts by commerce in this instance. With all the loves I've had neither I or any of my partners paid that day any heed, if that much, but to avoid restaurants full of those celebrants.
5
@michael roloff so do you reserve your revulsion for this one holiday meant to celebrate love, or do you equally avoid Christmas and 4th of July and Thanksgiving and Easter, et al.? Because those - as we know them today - are pretty much just commercial inventions as well.
2
The reality is that sometimes the moment is appropriate for romance, and sometimes it’s appropriate for day-to-day life. Realistically, by itself, romance is not enough to sustain a relationship. Long term relationships require commitment; romance requires desire. The best relationships have both.
It is recognizing the beauty of commitment that makes love last. Lots of people get bored easily, and need the thrill of a new romance. Yet romance can, with a little effort, be found within the familiarity of a long term relationship. I think true love requires both a deep commitment and a willingness to, at least once in a while, reach out with a bit of romance.
Romance at its best isn’t only found in the brief thrill of infatuation, but can also, in a long term relationship, be a form of commitment, one that requires some effort by either or both parties, to emphasize to the other person a desire to acknowledge them as someone special. Sure, those efforts can sometimes seem to be pro forma, a going through the motions gesture. But even then, the effort to go through the motions says that the other person is worth the effort, and that matters.
The difficulty is synchronizing different expectations towards romance. Conflicts can develop about how often one should expect a romantic gesture, and sometimes an unrequited desire for romance causes pain. Yet still, romance should be sought for, at least once in a while, in the oldest of relationships, if only to say, “We matter.”
24
Over the years, the story of how two people met becomes a legend, before developing into a myth. Love is transcendent.
1
I love writing a spoof on the cheesy "roses are red .." limericks and making a handmade card for my husband. He usually forgets Valentine's day. We're still married after 27 years.
3
Valentine's day is like weddings, or Christmas, or any other "big day". It is whatever you make of it. You can choose to buy into the commercialized hype, and waste money on the pompous show - the expensive roses, the expensive fairy-tale wedding, the expensive presents and all that. Or you can make it your own, and focus on the intent, the feeling, the fun of the occasion. Nothing wrong with celebrating it, like nothing wrong with getting married. But you can choose how you do it, and you can put more heart and meaning into it. I love chocolate, for example. I'll eat it any day of the year, but seeing a cute piece of chocolate with a red bow on it on Valentine's day makes it just a bit more special.
We need to take control of these occasions and customize them to fit our individual relationships and personalities. Not go to the extremes of either going all out or tossing the whole thing. There's enough space and freedom to celebrate however suits us personally.
And, to the traditionalists - please stop roasting people for choosing to ditch the "norm" and make their own holiday. On a recent article about weddings, I dared to share that we had a humble, yet very fun small wedding that shed outdated norms and customs like favors, bridesmaids or thank you notes. And oh my the angry responses I got! For as long as there are people throwing ugly words at you for trying to break away from the stereotype, there will be drama, guilt and unhappiness hanging from these occasions.
23
Neither my wife or I are big fans of "forced celebrations". That includes birthdays. Valentine's day is an excuse to leave work at a reasonable hour, and it is good to remind one's self that being in a relationship is important, so we celebrate it in our way.
We grow roses in our California garden and leave them there. A bouquet of flowers on the day are likely to be tulips or iris, from the local supermarket, so about $6, as they are 365 days a year.
We go out for dinner the day before or the day after, but never on the 14th, when it's crowded and there will be people around you who are forcing a social event that they don't want to be at. We think the wait staff should be home with their significant other; not waiting on us.
11
“I can only take love day by day.”
This reminds me of a passage in Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’ where she says that her mother contemplated leaving her father every spring. When the shock wore off, I realised that it’s actually a beautiful thing (and maybe quite healthy). Love isn’t about choosing that person one time and you’re done, but over and over, after every fight, when you’re tired, when there’s other priorities or other people who (temporarily) seem more attractive.
35
@Lisa contemplating anything for a long period of time is unhealthy. if you have the mindset of "temporarily" liking somebody else then you don't deserve that relationship in the first place.
1
After almost 32 years of marriage, the fact that my husband helps with the laundry and the cleaning is all the romance I need.
43
Judith, Loved this piece. Happy Un-Valentines Day, paul
5
Thank you so much for this article, which was really instructive!
Since I am in my early twenties I am at an age when I wonder a lot about relationships, all the more since I got dumped recently. And interestingly enough, one of the reasons why it ended is very much linked with the topic of this article, for my now ex-boyfriend thought I was too romantic and that I idealized him too much. He did not like the fact that I remained constantly in bliss.
So as a result I started having doubts about romances and wondered whether romanticism could actually be a bad thing.
I have to say I have always been a fan of romances, and I think it is due to the fact that I watched (too) many romantic comedies, read (too) many romances (the first book I ever read in English was by N.Sparks..)
But to me romance was precisely what prevented a relationship from becoming trite -even though it can surely lead to some cruel disillusions- because it seemed so novel-like!
But reading this article made me realize it should not be some sort of general "recipe" indeed, but a recipe you build for two. And actually I am not a fan of Valentine's Day for I do not like the fact that something as private and intimate as a relationship should be celebrated with thousands of other couples...
Romance is a world you build for two. Now both people surely have to be on the same page - and since that's already hard enough, I guess there is really no need to make things harder in trying to adapt to some standards..
14
as my wise grandmother once told me, "there is a lid for every pot." be true to yourself and your romantic prince will come. if he doesn't, it's better to be partner less and love yourself than settle for someone who doesnt like you, much less love you. #lessonlearnedthehardway #finallyfoundmyprince
10
@farmer girl Thank you so so much for the nice comment, it is really sweet and heartwarming!... I will try to keep this wise saying in mind for the future :) (love the image of the lid and the pot)
3
I loved this. The tyranny of Hallmark and Hollywood romantic movies over “love” must end. I get this author. I get this kind of love. V-day is stupid, crass and forced. Love doesn’t need to walk on a beach.
19
@Blair Fell are the other big holidays also stupid, crass, and forced? Or just this one that's meant to celebrate love?
2
Only people in a committed, safe relationship would say they don’t care about romance or Valentine’s Day. I didn’t either when my husband was alive and if I were with someone again, I won’t care then. It’s not about the stupid flowers or chocolates, I can buy those for myself and I do. They happen to be reminders of the big gaping hole in your life.
Being nonchalant about frivolous things is a luxury for those who already have the real thing.
53
Welcome to middle age. Most of us will eventually get there. The Engineer Husband has been middle aged since we met, at age 18. Three months later, I choose Him, we married. We just celebrated our 40 Year anniversary, last year. Had a big blow-out Family Dinner, in the Restaurant on top of the Space Needle, in Seattle. Champagne flowed, and he confided to His Family that I was the secret to his success. He’s absolutely correct.
Seriously.
29
@Phyliss Dalmatian I can relate! My hubby was old when we married. And he could not have had the family and career he's had without me. Sometimes I wonder if he really knows that. Cheers to you and long marriages!
2
@Phyliss Dalmatian - he's obviously right! Wonderful story! Happy Valentine's Day!
2
Let’s just say that maybe you can take the whole being Dutch thing a little too far.
24
@Thomas: don't the Dutch specialize in chocolate? why don't they have a chocolate-themed holiday, I wonder?
2
If Gil cool with it, and Judith cool with it, I'm cool with it.
Rejecting pro forma flowers is feisty sexy.
Great read. Thanks
3
To me, the author and her husband are practicing their version of romance. So it saddens me when she writes multiple times that their love isn't romantic, that she learned from him to distrust romanticism, etc. I'm disheartened to see her categorize her love with and for Gil that way. Perhaps it's just the title that bugs me because the author is, in reality, not against romance; she's just against the more "conventional" norms of romance on getting flowers and chocolates on valentines day.
I agree that valentines day shouldn't be ripe with excessive consumerism. But her article rubs me in the wrong way because there should be many ways a couple celebrate valentines day. In fact, she and Gil are celebrating it their way, and other people are free to celebrate in whatever ways they want. For me, personally, I've gone years and years without ever celebrating valentines day. This year, I finally have a boyfriend who I want to celebrate valentines day with and I'm so excited to do so. It's a damper to read this article because it invalidates something I've been looking forward to. I wish the author instead embraced different ways that a couple can show love and be "romantic."
19
@New: also as the author makes clear....nothing about Valentine's Day was part of EITHER of their cultures growing up. They have no memories of giving out Valentines to teachers or other little kids in grade school. They have no memories of the first time a sweetheart gave them a Valentine, or candy, or flowers. They have no memories of how thrilled their mom was when dad came home with flowers or a big heart box filled with chocolates.
I have the first Valentine's day heart box I ever got -- in my 20s, from my ex -- not that his memory is special or good, but the thrill of getting a romantic gift for the first time is still there. It is from Godiva, a lovely dark red velvet with silk ribbon and a rose. I still keep trinkets in it.
But if that was NEVER PART of your culture....it wouldn't matter to you any more than it would if you moved to outer Mongolia and wondered why they celebrated castrating sheep each spring, with a giant feast of sheep testicles (true!). It would be meaningless to you.
4
Bump. Thud. Practical and pedestrian. The point, I suppose, it that it works for this family -- at least these two people. Okay, fine. But Ms. Hertog, since you are easily distracted by a touch, please permit me to touch you on your shoulder and distract you by pointing you in the direction of music, poetry or the simple splendor of a beautiful day, ending with the awe of a star-studded night sky -- shared in worshipful silence with the one with whom you share your life.
31
"I prefer my non-romantic husband to a romantic guy" isn't exactly breaking new ground. Can't you find a better essay than this?
8
This article and the accompanying comments seem eminently silly to me. Who cares whether you "succumb" to the commercialism of Valentine's Day or not? It should matter only to you and your significant other. If it makes at least one of you happy to go out to dinner, buy flowers, candy or gifts, do it. If not, don't do it. I just don't get all the angst about the day.
12
Wow! This article is so sad. I am like Gil and my wife is like the author. I feel so sad for both. Will make sure to try to celebrate these superficial sentimental events in the future!
11
@ett; if your wife says she does not like flowers, chocolates, champagne or jewelry .... she is lying. She likes at least some of those things.
You don't have to spend a ton of money though. What matters to most people is BEING REMEMBERED. You can make a homemade card; it will probably be treasured more than the most expensive Hallmark card.
5
Love this personal note relevant to the Valentine's Day-Industrial Complex.
5
The low glow and occasional flicker of the flame of love is much more desirable than a raging fire.
2
@Vinson which keeps you warmer during the coldest of times? i beg to differ.
2
"If I have to choose between fairy tale romance and Gil, I choose Gil."
Who decides you have to choose? Or have I missed something? You are certainly free to have a relationship structure that allows for the needs of both partners. A relationship structure is made between two people "living in reality"!
9
She says one thing and then the opposite. I think she doth protest too much.
24
So here I am, single, divorced, and at 74, for some reason, I have not given up on romance and love. But here's the thing: I also spent most of my career in advertising and marketing as a copywriter and art director. Some of us refer to marketing and adverising as, "The world's second oldest profession." And one of the things that seems to prove that it's true, is the obsession of having to prove one's love for another with gifts.
During the holiday season, there are TV commercials showing the spirit of the holidays by wrapping up an $80k car in a big red ribbon whilst it sits on a snow-covered driveway. The subtext for me is, "WOW! Honey, a Lexus SUV for little ol' me! I can't believe you increased our monthly overhead by $600. Talk about LOVE! You are the best!"
But it is the Valentine's Day ritual of ad campaigns telling husbands that a few thousand dollars in diamond jewelry is the best way to express eternal love. Furthermore, the Valentine gifting ritual is a one-way street, unless his gift of diamonds is a quid pro quo for more sex. Like it or not, that is the implied message besides the "thanks for the memories" in a box.
I feel sorry for those who can't appreciate romance for its own sake. Being grateful for a blissful life together should not cave into ad campaigns focused on a single day with lavish gifts.
Celebrate the joys — and the work that goes into it — every day. Skip the diamonds and luxury cars in ribbons. Let love exist on your terms every day.
33
@David Ohman I've had the exact same reaction to those car commercials, David. One of the best gifts my husband gave me was the ability to shed some years of single-mom debt - not too much, really - but what a relief to be clear of that. Beyond adverts, we now have gushy over-amped proclamations of love on FB and then publicity proposals, prom invites... ad infinitum. Some one else's terms always seem to be driving these - and often TV-style cliches. Hoping you find some reciprocal simple gifts soon.
Of course romance is just garbage that they are selling. I can’t watch a rom com with proposals precipitating confetti filled parades. It is garbage. And very destructive to those who look aghast and their own fine loving relationships and find them wanting.
As a widow whose marriage was filled with concerns of ordinary life, be aware that there is nothing more precious than sharing those concerns, problems, joys, and understandings, with someone you love, trust, and share history and children- touching the future together.
16
This could not be a more romantic anti-romance ... "[w]e shared an interest in learning, traveling and adventure" ... "our last candlelight dinner consisted of cold leftovers during an electrical blackout." Sigh, to be so lucky.
7
I think I'm in love...with the writer and this clear-eyed, honest explanation of long-term relationships...
5
I’m old enough to know that marriages are as different as snowflakes and cynical enough to believe that Valentine’s Day is a marketing ploy of the rose-and-chocolate lobby. But I still found this essay infinitely sad.
Where is the joy in the marriage Hertog describes? The celebration of the attraction that brought this couple together in the first place? Even when we were most overwhelmed by the stresses of our respective careers, deep talks like those that began our relationship would refuel us. Even when the busy-ness of work and children filled every waking minute, my husband would still “cop a feel” when the kids weren’t looking—or in the middle of cooking dinner we would dance in the kitchen to tunes from the oldies concerts public TV ran during pledge drives (to the collective groan of “gross!” from those same kids). Even now, as much as we love having the house re-fill with our children and our bed fill with grandchildren and their toys and their books and their giggles, we adore hearing the minivan pull away, returning to our just-the-two-of-us talks and having the bed all to ourselves.
Perhaps “familiarity” is enough to float the Hertogs’ boat. But the dimming of passion, whether physical or emotional, is not an “of course.” Sometimes you have to work at it, or sometimes you just get lucky like we did. And when you do have it, you don’t need to reject Valentine’s Day: roses and chocolate are simply superfluous.
57
Romance has become so commercialized, remember Rock Hudson and Doris Day, or all the Romantic songs of the 50's and 60's and all the Hallmark holidays that have become essential. What is essential is being caring to your partner and supportive and remaining interesting to each other whether sexually or intellectually or preferably both.
Every marriage is different and as long as we can work out how to keep each other happy that is fine.
11
The boyfriend who I had the most in common with of any I ever had, I had to reject after his "proposal". We had been living together for two years, and we were both musicians. I was the lead soprano in the chamber choir he conducted, and he and I had a violin/harpsichord duo as well. I knew he wanted to have a kid. His proposal was: "Well, we have more in common than most people do who get married." I said, "You haven't once mentioned love, or affection, or anything personal. How do you feel about ME?" His reaction was to walk to the phone, call another choir member and invite her on a date.
10
@Ellen: you dodged a bullet.
Maybe you had some interests in common with this man, he was a cold fish and marriage was just a box to check on his "must do list".
I'll bet the girl who did marry him was very, very sorry.
9
I once had a woman accuse me of not being romantic (on our second date), which I found profoundly unromantic. I wasn't trying hard enough to impress her, not flattering her or running to open the car door ahead of her. I felt I had to explain to her the true meaning of "romance" which is an idealized version of almost anything, the unattainable, the unplanned conversion of events or emotions that result in joy and transcendence.
I once met a woman who was so interesting, so full of excitement and good energy, that it took me awhile to realize how physically beautiful she was. Now that is romantic! We're still together.
56
Yikes. There’s no better way to dampen someone’s ardor, what a little of it may have existed, than to admonish them for buying you flowers on Valentine’s Day. Certainly not love in my book, to be so judgmental and cold. This whole essay leaves me with a chill in my blood. Have human beings really become so checked out from their hearts and their passions and desires? I sure hope this couple isn’t representative of marriage today. It would make me really sad. Love and passion are about the only juice we have in this world anymore. Why waste your time with someone who either doesn’t have it or can’t reciprocate it? The whole essay feels like a map of repression and denial.
90
@Greil West
'I was offended' and 'threatened him with divorce'.
This for the offense of receiving flowers on Valentine's Day!
Doesn't that just make you wish you could fast forward to our perfect 'future is female'?!
5
@Greil West: it is CLEARLY denial, because she admits she flirts and gets crushes on other men -- and he knows this -- and she is obviously TRYING to get his attention and jealousy but failing. One day, someone will reciprocate her crush -- ply her with Valentines and chocolates and flowers -- THEN WHAT?
13
"I prefer my love imperfect."
Or, as Robert Frost put it in "Birches":
Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
14
Having enjoyed a wonderful, romantic relationship that spanned 33 years and, very sadly, ended when my wife died of cancer six years ago, I felt pity for the person who wrote this story. I recently found the second love of my life -- a widow who lost her loving husband under similar circumstances -- and we are enjoying a very passionate and fun-filled romance. During a recent dinner at a restaurant in Manhattan, a young stranger snapped our photo with her smartphone. I asked her why and she said that she had never seen a couple our age acting so affectionately. I can attest that love and romance can happen at any age and can be sustained for many, many decades. Would I want to live without it? No way!
75
@jrak: I am so sorry for your loss, and overjoyed you have found the courage to love again.
I pity the author too, and think she is in deep denial. Genuinely happy people -- and I know some women who have zero interest in flowers, candy or Valentines -- do not flirt and get crushes, and tell their staid husbands about this to make them jealous.
16
At the last town we lived in there was a walking track with exercise stations along the way. Our town had a large population of elderly. Often I would see couples walking along the path holding onto each other for support. I often thought that was romance and the stuff of true love. It is easy to love when we are young and attractive and our needs are minimal.
30
This is a fairytale romance. Romance isn't a script--it's partnering with someone(s) you've chosen on your terms.
13
The day after every Valentine's Day, my father would bring my mother a heart-shaped box of candy--which he had gotten for half price. It was both practical and romantic.
22
@Animal lover: we do that too! It helps we ended up getting married the week AFTER Valentine's day -- 25 years ago this year. We tried to book on "the day" but everyone else had that idea, so we settled for the following week. It has worked out great! we get all the treats, at 75% off!!! and I buy lots of little doodads on clearance, save them for the following year for grandkids or gifts to friends. Win-win.
3
Valentine’s Day is a forced ridiculous holiday but I assure you after forty-two years together with my husband romance in our relationship is wonderful. By romance I mean doing and saying kind things to each other, sharing a bottle of wine by the fire, holding hands, a special candlelight dinner any time, etc. all these wonderful every day moments add so much to our lives and our relationship. We can skip Valentine’s Day but we will continue with expressing our love with kind thoughtful gestures because it adds so much to our lives. After reading this essay I feel sad for the author and think this couple is missing out on fun close times.
26
@Katy
What works for you does not have to work for everyone. Besides, you are assuming that they do not share "fun, close times". I believe the article states they do. It's their own little world and it works for them. I applaud them for not letting social pressure dictate how their relationship should be.
25
@Felix
"I’m a flirt, easily distracted by a meaningful glance or the touch of a good-looking man. Gil prefers to spend his mental energy on academic problems rather than frivolous romantic fantasies. I’ve often developed crushes..."
Something isn't working.
3
My parents usually forgot each others' birthday, occasionally remembered their wedding anniversary - and treated it as a normal day - and never celebrated Valentine's Day. They were married 50 years, until my father's death. Their marriage was an endless conversation about everything, and a shining example of mutual respect. Probably as a result, I have little time for grand gestures and a lot for signs of real affection and trust, which for me are much more 'romantic'. Ready-made romance is for selling things.
55
One of the best essays on love I've ever read. Thank you for sending a wonderful message on sustaining a relationship through inevitable imperfections and complications.
24
Congratulations on 25 successful years. Good luck to you on the rest. Sounds as if your combination works and that is wonderful.
11
Judith,
Thank you for this eye-opening essay. Your thoughts exactly capture my and my wife's feelings on this forced romantic holiday ritual that America has endured year after year. We will likely smile at each other and have a few laughs on Valentine's day, which in our eyes will be a super day.
11
The annual ritual of holidays can serve like reminders, anchoring us in traditions and behaviors. Just like New Years resolutions can be obsurd, they are a ‘scheduled’ opportunity to take stock of where we are and where we want to go. Perhaps Valentine’s Day can remind us to be affectionate and appreciative of loved ones, romantic or not, so we can carry that on throughout the year
51
Thank you for this comment. I get really fed up with the anti-holiday crowd—especially when they denigrate Valentine’s Day. Our country has been involved in war for how many years? My children do not remember a time when our country was NOT at war—and yet people are snarky about a day set aside to celebrate the people they love!
3
Constant romance is unrealistic but yet tokens of affection and candlelight dinners can be enjoyable . . . Of course, marriage, in my mind, is ultimately a permanent relationship to provide a safe environment for sexuality, child rearing, and generally working together through life. You may not “feel” love all the time, or even every year, but you have sworn to “love,” as in an active verb.
So you would think that maybe after 20 years my relationship might be passionless?
But despite thinking of marriage as mostly an economic and religious arrangement — an attitude that allowed me to slog through the bad years — after 20 years my husband and I truly best friends. And our love just went through it’s absolutely sexually most intense and passionate period. Maybe it’s because our kids our teenagers and we have a little more time, but something of our teenage selves came back to us.
Love doesn’t have to be freely chosen, it doesn’t have to be practical, and it doesn’t have to be passionless in middle age. It’s really ultimately a strange thing. But I think this author should try cooking her husband a candlelight dinner (maybe have the kids serve it for Valentines) and then do something other than read in bed with her husband. She might be surprised at the results.
33
"Of course, after more than 25 years in a relationship, the fire of passion has dimmed to a glow of familiarity, and now that we have children our interactions are often limited …."
Well, that's a shame. I disagree with the "of course". This shouldn't have to happen, and, as a couple therapist and from personal experience, in many cases it doesn't. After 45 years of marriage and two children, I have to say my husband and I still feel that passion...not every minute of course but often enough to keep the fire burning. Why? Because we treat each other kindly and thoughtfully, we engage in little acts of affection throughout the day, and most importantly, we don't take each other for granted. Neither one "dominates" the relationship; we have complementary strengths that enrich our lives together. Marriage is not a contractual agreement to raise children together. It is a uniquely loving relationship to be celebrated and enjoyed independently--and in spite of--of the parental role. Valentine's Day, though woefully commercial, is, like Mother's Day, an annual holiday that provide the opportunity to say something to a loved one that, though often felt, might not be always be communicated on an ordinary day. I have a collection of Valentine's Day cards from my husband that date back to the early 1970s and love reading through them from time to time, reflecting on how our love has grown and matured. And yes, I'll be expecting...and welcoming.. those red roses this Thursday!
105
@patalcant You prefer your approach to hers. Well, OK then. We humans just love comparison. Happy Valentine's Day!
9
@patalcant Well, good for you, but of course that's not her point. (Or, perhaps, you are proving her point exactly.)
9
"I figured that as long as we didn’t have kids we could easily divorce." That sees to be taking the 'no romance' dictum to an extreme.
32
@Roger: people WITH kids divorce all the time. My first husband left me with two small children, never looked back -- had to be compelled by the court to pay child support. He even cancelled our health insurance.
I had a friend who had FIVE children and her husband dumped her for a younger woman with NO children.
The idea that children will keep you save from divorce is hilariously untrue.
4
I want Gil to write an essay on his love now.
She followed him to the movies all the way to the US, had their kids and tamped down her desire for a lover who’s gonna give as much as she did.
I get the feeling he’s very passive, and the author is left wanting engagement. Valentines and Hollywood are fake, but not wanting those is not the same as not wanting your partner to follow you for a change.
95
@Eve Yes! This essay isn't really about Valentine's day, so much as the author's attempt to talk herself into staying in a relationship where she seems to do all the emotional work.
19
@ S North: or she is starved for romance and passion -- seeks it in juvenile flirtations and crushes (online?) and tries to provoke a response from "Gil" but he is stoic and cold.
This is not remotely about Valentine's Day, which is foreign culturally to both of them.
6
Seriously, what’s so cool about poopooing Valentines’ Day? As much as I find ridiculous to celebrate with kids or coworkers, I find it exiting and heart warming to celebrate with a significant other! At the age, my new boyfriend asked me out for VD and let tell you: I am thrilled... will dress up and get him a gift.... don’t care about the naysayers...
50
@Star Gazing VD used to mean something else - and no one wanted to be asked out for that!
10
Since the age of 15 or thereabouts, I’ve dismissed Valentine’s Day as just another Hallmark moment, i.e., a marketing opportunity for sellers of cards and chocolates and dinners and jewelry.
Maybe not romantic as roses but more appreciated over the long haul ... him making sure ever-forgetful me has an umbrella or snow scraper in the car before I leave in potentially nasty weather. Me going out on a frigid morning five minutes before he leaves to warm up the car so he has an easier commute.
Finding little ways to make each other’s day better is fun, and not just when it comes to spouses and partners. Works with friends, kids, parents, and, occasionally, total strangers.
120
would it make sense to have marriage licenses renewable every 10 years?
then both parties could re-assess their mutual needs especially to the benefit of their children, careers, and finances.
40
Agreed. We refer to our anniversary as “the contract renewal” around here. It works.
1
@nymeria: we already have it, and it is in place 24/7 and not every 10 years.
It is called "no fault divorce".
1
This beautifully written article seems to me to be the final verdict on Valentine's Day.
Now I dare Judith Hertog to write a similarly witty essay on Mother's Day. (Sorry, Mum.)
20
@Peter Wesly
If ever a day was perfectly designed to create feelings of rejection, guilt and the sort of fruitless comparisons with others ( and thier perfect families) that Facebook generates ( even before Facebook), it has to be Mother's Day.
6
now there is also grandparents' day, makes children who have none because they have died feel really bad.
2
@rosalba This also is contextual. On my dad’s side, his dad passed away when my dad was in high school - I never met or knew him. My dad’s mom, my nana, passed away when I was in grade school. Though I knew her, I was never particularly close to her.
My mom’s from Japan, and the only member of her family to live outside that country. I saw my oji-chan once, when I was 10, and my oba-chan twice, second time when I graduated college and she made the trip from Japan.
So “grandparents day” has no effect on me, a child who hardly had grandparents in my life.
That long conversation when you first met Gil was a connection that many a woman who gets perfunctory roses, candy and a Valentine's Day dinner out never experiences.
One of the gifts I got early on in a relationship was a set of snow tires. An older woman I knew set me straight on appreciating the consideration that lied beneath the gesture.
Sometimes we crave the outward signs because intimacy is gone.
I believe that shared experiences are vital to keeping a connection -- if a couple stops doing things together, the relationship dies.
But that candlelight dinner you had in a blackout is more of an genuine shared experience than eating at a restaurant because it's Valentine's day.
45
I used to buy my wife flowers, from time to time, on completely random days that were NOT Valentine's Day. It was like a once every year or two thing. I purposely did NOTHING on a day like Valentine's Day. I'm not going to be suckered into "having to" do something for some silly holiday, "just because everyone else is doing it." We've been together 26 years. (I don't really do that anymore- she'd tell me I shouldn't waste money on flowers that would soon die if I did it today). I think those who go along with "Valentine's Day," especially those who buy the "standard" gift of roses are suckers. Grow a pair and defy the norm. Do nothing on Valentine's Day... and better yet, regard every day (except Valentine's Day) as a day to do something nice for/with your significant other (preferably something that costs $0 or close to $0). And for those who must do the silly nonsense on Valentine's Day, please keep in mind that plenty of people want, do not have, a significant other. Be mindful of them in all your public displays/talks of your Valentine's Day silliness. Be happy you got what you got, but don't gloat too much in public.
64
@ABC123: you are cool! and I agree!
Though I find Valentine's Day fun....what really matters is how we treat those we love EVERY SINGLE DAY.
If you do kind and loving things for your loved ones....every day, or spontaneously....are considerate and aware of their needs.....listen to their desires and preferences....you are basically making EVERY DAY Valentines Day, 365 days a year!
Not every woman loves flowers. I know several women who are badly allergic to all flowers. I know women who dislike chocolate (strange, but it happens) or are allergic, or are diabetic.
There is no "one gift" for everybody. The best gifts are demonstrations that you know that specific person, care about them and listen enough to know what they DO like and value.
When I was dating my husband....I was at work, during a typical big midwestern snow storm. I came home from at night, to see that he had come to my house on his lunch hour....and shoveled the driveway, all the walks and a path to the deck and rear door....then salted everything down.
I promise you, it brought tears to my eyes and meant more than diamond necklace from a rich man.
12
Thank you for the concluding sentences of your response. They show a level of thoughtfulness that is sometimes lacking.
1
I love this essay. Funny, poignant and very right on. Especially: "But there are times — especially after I have watched certain romantic movies — when I panic and think my life is all wrong because our last candlelight dinner consisted of cold leftovers during an electrical blackout, and nowadays, when Gil and I are awake in bed, it’s most likely that we are reading."
Thank you.
50