Reminds me of the movie, "Walking and Talking" Highly recommend it.
11
Everyone I've most admired shares this attribute: They've rarely complained about how they've be treated by others in personal relationships. Sometimes about how others have been treated or about how they've treated others.
50
I had two small wedding parties: the first fun and the second not fun. I paid for both and chose what I could afford. I divorced them both for very excellent reasons. The third time I got married we did in the court house. I thanked everyone for coming who were there waiting for their cases to be heard.
117
28 years ago one of my best friends came to my newlywed pad and broke up with me. She said she was single and could not be friends with me. Instead of being happy for me, she was making this all about her. She was jealous and hurt. There is not much you can do for people who lack core stability. You can only find that in yourself.
99
IMHO some of these couples need to focus more on what they want and expect in their marriage rather than the ceremony.
101
Grow up, folk, just grow up!
These so-called grievances, regardless of how deeply rooted in time and emotion are silly reasons to end a friendship. Or, perhaps they are simply ready made excuses for ending a friendship that the so grievously offended one hasn't the maturity or courage to address.
Yes, there are legitimate reasons to end friendships. Much of what is described here - well, perhaps if these folks were still in nursery school!
52
Seems like the brides got off easy. Who needs friends like the ones they lost? Didn't want to be the maid of honor? Couldn't get a ride? Really?
48
I get this. I really do. 20-some-years-ago, I invited at least three close friends to be bridesmaids in my own wedding. We all worked together at an upstate tv station. These divas turned out from the moment I chose them. Was I a bridezilla? I doubt it. Each of them actually intimidated me. I think I was caught up in the whole wedding culture. I never really spoke to them after they misbehaved at the ceremony & reception. If I had to do it again, no wedding party. Not a single girl.
39
I am so relieved not to be invited to a wedding.
169
Did the author attempt to interview the bride?
The final paragraphs advice is terrible
23
I was asked to be Tanya’s maid of honor then downgraded then downgraded again. Each time I was told a complete lie. The bride’s soon to be husband got hands with me in front of my husband. So my husband was excluded from the wedding party and she treated me horribly.
I am thrilled to say say I am no longer friends with this toxic human who described my neighborhood of Chelsea as a shanty town. I didn’t know whether to be offended or just walk away. I opted to walk away and haven’t looked back since.
23
If brides cannot be gracious to their friends then they are not true friends anyway. A wedding is not a day to revel in selfishness and boss other people around. Unfortunately, a lot of brides seem to want to play princess for a day and it's only a day: the marriage is, presumably, for the rest of one's life, and people don't think enough about that.
I know of people who are on their second marriages. All married in their twenties the first time around, and all had the typical modern wedding. When the divorces happened and it eventually came time to do it again with the right person, one opted for a smaller affair. There was no DJ, no fog machine, no photo booth, no bridesmaids, not even a cake: just close friends, family, and good food in a nice venue. It was an elegant affair full of adults who truly knew the couple and actually enjoyed themselves.The second person opted to elope, and she and her husband had a fantastic honeymoon in Greece. It looked awesome.
At the end of the day, it's your money, but remember that it's only a day. Also, try to make sure the person you're marrying is a good one. There was a recent report of a groom in NJ who assaulted a waitress at his own wedding reception and then, when the police showed up, was so drunk and belligerent that one of the cops had to approach him with a taser. I certainly hope his bride ran in the other direction, towards a very good divorce attorney, because if that's not the red flag of danger, nothing is.
94
I am my husband’s 2nd wife and I accept that any opinion I have about his children’s weddings and financial decisions will be inflammatory. His daughter wanted a much larger financial contribution towards her wedding than she’s getting and everybody believes if I weren’t in the picture, she’d have gotten it. Maybe she would have. I had nothing to do with her parents’ divorce and supported my husband being a very generous provider for his children. But now the kids are really adults; they need to figure out how to manage their wants and needs and live within their means. It’s hard to understand why adults (late-20s, mid-30s) who own a home and have been living together for years would even ask parents to pay for a wedding. Together, the bride and groom earn almost $200K; if they want a $70K wedding, they can buy it themselves. Married parents would never be accused of selfishness for declining to finance a huge wedding but remarried fathers and evil stepmothers are presumed to be greed personified. I see no reason why we should sacrifice our vacations or postpone our retirement to buy luxuries for others. I earn almost as much as my husband and we earn a lot but that doesn’t give others the right to spend our money.
484
Weddings seem so drama-filled, I'm not surprised at why people choose to elope. And it's always a game of one-upping - either how many people or how expensive your wedding was, or how inexpensive and intimate it was and how you didn't opt for a diamond because everything about traditional weddings is just so overrated. When did it get like this? We put far too much stock into a ritual where only two people and their opinions matter - the couple. Maybe from a time when weddings were all about marrying into status rather than love.
We'd all be a little happier if we cared a little less about weddings.
122
@K
Maybe from a less self-absorbed time when people realized they were marrying into a family and even a community of interrelationships. where the marriage ceremony was about people coming together rather self-adoration.
64
We were invited to a Mexican wedding (we are anglos) The bride and groom invited 100 people- 400 showed up for the reception. The bride and groom greeted everyone, waited tables, and served food . Happiest wedding I have ever attended.
278
Oh, yes. Seeing your bestie find someone, become totally involved, get married and move away is so tough when you are alone. Then to have her sister say, "When will we have one of these for you?" I wanted to say, "When hell freezes over?"
Thank goodness almost 40 years later she's still my bestie. We've been through divorce, deaths, and great adventures.
We have figured out how to be friends, to say we're sorry and to deal with change.
I learned a phrase from a former therapist, "Just because (fill in the blank) doesn't mean (another blank). Just because you had problems when she got married doesn't mean you can't be friends again.
BTW, any letters from men? What is their experience on this.
61
At my daughter’s wedding, I lost the friendship of a couple I had known since college. They didn’t like where they were seated.
55
@Zejee
I know that sounds ridiculous, but that happened to my husband and me. We were invited to the wedding of a close friend and were seated at the table where the band ate in between numbers! Meanwhile, my brother-in-law and his wife were where we should have been, with many of our friends. That was a friendship-destroyer for us. I gave more thought to the wedding gift than they did to the seating arrangements.
67
this happened to me too. i attended my college roommate's wedding about 15 years after we graduated. we had been friendly in the time beteeen graduation and the wedding but not close. i was seated with elderly distant cousins at the edge of the room and watched my friend and his new husband celebrate with their friends, many of whom i knew, while i chatted with an 80 year old aunt from Duluth. i defriended my friend after that.
51
Maybe the friends just cannot tolerate bridezilla for one more day. The endless minutiae, the demands, the lack of manners and common sense. Not to mention the financial outlay for all the endless events. Friendship can only withstand so much and no more.
48
It's not the wedding that's the issue. It's moving on. When a close friend marries, the friendship changes. A life partner is the focus and their life together is a priority. Many friendships of mine have ended or been altered permanently by marriage and children. That's the way it is. Life goes on. The worst however is when the marrying female looks at her unmarried female friend(s) and says..."my life has changed." This kind of declaration is a signifier you need to find a new confidant or friend that you can hang with. If you're a woman who has no desire to be a "wife" and a "mother" accept that you will be consistently turning over friendships until the first of many of those friends' divorces. At that time, miraculously, a friend may call and say..."if I had known then what I knew now...." You should have the good grace to wish her well and tell her..."you'll figure it out" and move on.
59
I must have been doing something wrong all my life - both of my weddings were fun, almost pot-luck affairs, held either at our home or a larger house borrowed from a friend, everyone was invited, everyone brought food, gifts not required and pretty much limited to family. Same for most of the weddings of friends that I've attended.
40
This "I did my wedding better" business is just silly.
121
Youth and what I call "first syndrome" .. first wedding ..first house ...first baby. All these events seem to produce temporary insanity in some individuals.
My partners occupation occasionally intersects with those planning a honeymoon -- rarely a pleasant experience. It's the same with RE agents .. ask them about first time home buyers.
Todays selfish culture add fuel to the fire ... it's all about me. Give me want I want ..now.
51
Something more like “this is only husband number 1. You are my BFF. No worries.” would have been more appropriate.
25
This article rings so true. I have had several family members and friends behave so selfishly or strangely around their weddings that I found it hard to interact with them after. I don't consider wanting a seamless, beautiful wedding to be "selfish," but .... Asking your father to cash out his 401K for a wedding outside your budget? Being completely inconsiderate of guests' needs and limitations? Not greeting any of your guests? Not sending thank you notes? Selfish.
And don't get me started on some of the bachelorette weekends/extended weekends I've been to or have been invited to. I started making excuses not to go to any more several years ago.
111
I don't understand why weddings need to be so expensive and complicated. My rule for inviting guests was if I haven't hung out with you physically in the past year, you're not getting an invitation. 40 guests kept things affordable. No bridesmaids, etc. I guess it helps when you're older when you get married so you can just say, "I know that's what people do, but I'm just not doing that!"
133
Why does it seem that all the listed instances have the bride in the right? My daughter was eaten up & spit out by the bride (her best friend) & the bride's mother in law, during her tenure as Maid of Honor. It did become a job for her to handle arrangements for bridal shower & bachelorette party. Each of my daughter's suggestions was overruled by the MIL, regardless of cost or whether the bridesmaids were all on board. Unfortunately, the bride & my daughter no longer speak, as my daughter removed herself from the "honor" of Maid of Honor &, therefore, was removed from the guest list.
53
@Lj Mother in Law sabotaged their friendship, probably so that her own daughter (groom's sister) could be maid of honor. Rest assured that the MIL will also ruin the marriage as well.
61
Everyone is saying that small weddings are best.
We just had an elaborate 2 week long 250+ seat Indian wedding with multiple events.
And you know what? We LOVED it. We enjoyed our wedding so much and were stunned and humbled by all the guests who came out to witness and support our marriage.
We certainly had wedding drama (last minute ceremony addition, lost dresses, request to separate genders, etc.) but they were dealt with swiftly and, this is the key part: let go without any grudges.
A small wedding is a great option for those who can't tend to all the relationships involved. It IS important to make sure every single guest, including the wedding party, feels welcomed and appreciated. It IS critical to let each one know how important they are to you.
There were handwritten notes in each invitation. We also made sure to stop by each table and take a few moments to share our gratitude with guests personally. This was respectful to them but also gave us a chance to mingle.
A day after the Reception one of my beloved Aunts passed away. She truly used all her strength to make sure to be there for us, and I am so grateful for the time I had with her. We were able to share intimate moments with her at each event before she passed.
77
@Saba Not to mention the THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS that are needed to pull a wedding such as yours off. . .
18
@Elizabeth Moore
If you cannot say anything nice, say nothing at all...perhaps the couple earned and saved money for this event or their relatives did...and their culture encourages and supports the tradition of a large wedding...this bride was grateful and respectful to those who attended their wedding, why are you so negative? Jealousy?
39
@Elizabeth Moore Why the snark? Money does not guarantee kindness of which Saba shows so much of.
31
One of my former best friends stopped talking to me after I couldn’t be her maid of honor and come to her wedding. Because I had a miscarriage. And it wasn’t quite finished and I might have to have surgery. The doctors didn’t want me to travel (I live on a different continent). She basically responded that she couldn’t imagine how this was true but I guess I needed time to “heal”. My thoughts of ignoring the doctor and flying anyways disappeared with that email. I regardless helped with some of the things from far away, but I was in no mood to go overboard after that reaction. After I got pregnant again I emailed her. No response. My son was born. No response. Two years later I got an email from her asking if I was going to the high school reunion and by the way, she has a daughter and here was a picture oh and sorry she hasn’t written she just “needed some time after the wedding”. I didn’t respond.
181
@An American In Germany
You did the right thing; her self-centered behavior in the face of your miscarriage was truly disgusting.
People who would discard relationships so readily over a ceremony are not the kind of "friends" anyone needs.
124
@An American In Germany: I am sorry for you having to deal with self terrible narcissism in the midst of such a great loss. And yes, of course, she asked about the high school reunion, because it was a way to give a weasely apology, and probably because she alienated a lot of other people with her behavior, and wanted to make sure she had company there. Congratulations on your healing, your son, and your willingness to stay politely disengaged.
85
All the advice to have small weddings. I insisted on a small wedding because I was busy qualifying for my CPA. Also, my tastes tend to run to the very high-end and I know its a waste to spend our money on a wedding vs real life stuff.
Guess who I offended? My mother in law and her sisters. They insisted on a horrific dinner banquet for 100 "immediate" family. It's been 5 years and I still haven't gotten over it, nor has my mother in law I imagine.
14
I think it is interesting how so many commenters have used this piece to brag.
I see the point of the article as a pretty good attempt at pointing out how weddings ( and other fantasy events) can be so fraught for all participants and people who wish they could participate.
It’s a fact of human existence that we build up everything from weddings to big family reunions to Thanksgiving dinners into unattainable perfection among folks whose ideas of perfection are all different and cannot all be reasonably accommodated.
I’m becoming more Buddhist in my old age. Suffering does truly come from the failure to accept “what is”. Weddings happen. One can only be happy when one accepts how, when, where, and what the bride chooses for one’s role (or absence of a role), and then one moves on.
61
We spent 10 minutes talking to the pastor the day before we were married. I got my dress off the rack at Macy's and wore it for 20 years after the wedding. Got my ring secondhand from a friend who was getting a divorce and didn't need it anymore. My husband was married in his dress blues to save money on a new suit or tux rental. Nine beloved family members attended. Thirty-nine years next month.
315
It's too bad that some people consider not being invited to the wedding the end of their friendship. These days, a lot of folks choose to have smaller weddings, for a number of reasons from expense to they just want to keep it personal.
A good friend of mine had a very small wedding, and was so apologetic when she told me it and that it was just going to be immediate family, as she surely thought I would be disappointed. She was so relieved when I told her I thought that was great and hope she would have a wonderful day, and not to think a minute about that I would be concerned about not being invited. We are still great friends today.
173
@PJ When a friend tells me that they are having a small wedding and I don't get invited, I am actually relieved. If one is NOT INVITED, then one does not have to give an gift of any kind or even a card. You are completely relieved of all financial obligation. You can treat their wedding day as just another insignificant day. I look at things like this as real money savers.
62
@PJ
After the wedding, honeymoon, and whatever, take the lucky couple out for dinner and let them tell you any of their wedding or honeymoon stories that they want to. You will all remember that meal (I hope, in a positive way). Lots more fun than most (overly scripted) weddings.
40
Years ago I told my three best friends (including my sister) that I would gladly proofread their resumes, help them move across the country, pet-sit, paint their living rooms, and all manner of other things, but I would never ever be their bridesmaid, so please don't ever ask.
We're all still friends, we're all still single, and I have helped two of them move across the country.
121
I think brides should consider having a family member be the only bridesmaid or a maid of honor and not stress friends by asking them to spend a lot of time and money on dresses, organize the shower travel to the party etc. Invite as many as the budget will permit. If close female friends do not have to spend extra for being bridesmaid etc, they are a lot less stressed and can enjoy attending the wedding. Plus, there is no such thing as a perfect day. So every day is a perfect day, wedding or no wedding. Brides should stop listening to wedding industry sales folks and keep it simple for their sanity and relationships.
93
@Jana It is sad, but I agree. The truth is that being a bridesmaid is a burden as well as an honor.
36
@adicicco i absolutely don't get this, which seems to be the point of view in the article (about the person who was upset at being asked to be a brides maid). What is so difficult about it? yes, there is some expense involved and that can be a problem if the bride isn't sensitive to people's budgets. but otherwise....what is so bad about being a bridesmaid? i would think it would be an honor?
9
@Jana If they cannot afford to be bridesmaids, YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO FEED THEM AT THE WEDDING RECEPTION. The reception is not a free party for freeloaders to "relax." If a "close" friend or family member is adverse to standing up for you, they shouldn't be invited to the wedding either.
5
I didn’t invite a friend and her husband to our wedding- for no real reason. I am sorry to this day- i should have been more generous. Ruined a lovely friendship.
49
Call her. Email her. Perhaps that friendship can be resurrected...
36
@Dorothy Perhaps you showed how little you value people who are easy to get along with. I have friends like that, and I have crossed them off my friends list.
9
Sorry, I don't understand your reply. She and I are casual acquaintances now- 39 years later. The consequences were mine alone and I have learned to appreciate all my friends.
29
It absolutely baffles me when people have a wedding to which not everyone that loves them can go. What is the point of a wedding other than having the people that love you around to celebrate?
An old friend set up a large tent and got married in a field. Everyone brought some food potluck style. Best wedding I ever went to.
69
@J c A tent in a field sounds like a potential disaster if you have bad weather. It rained on my wedding day, so I'm glad that I opted for an indoor location.
6
@J c i walked to my usual sunday morning AA meeting in a tuxedo as i was getting married right down the street next to the pond in the center of town right afterwards, the guy running the meeting made the unsolicited announcement that everyone was invited to go. so there are lots of pictures of the wedding that show lots of people who were not formally invited, but i was happy that they were there anyway.
16
A friend of mine announced to me she was going to have a wedding in two weeks time about 150 miles away from where I lived and wanted me to be a bridesmaid. She also told me that my husband wasn't invited (she never liked him) and the reception was very small so after I was in the ceremony I could leave because there wouldn't be room for me at the reception. Luckily I had a vacation planned the same time as her wedding so I had an excuse why I couldn't come... and she has never really spoken to me since. I still can't get over that I wasn't invited to the reception... so I was supposed to drive there, pay for a hotel, be in the wedding and then go spend the rest of the evening alone in my room (since my husband couldn't come)? How weird.
292
@SLA Boy you are lucky to be rid of her! Seriously, if you'd agreed to that, she would have continued to take advantage of your good nature.
75
@SLA How did you keep your cool long enough to give her a polite reply? I’m sure I would have told her the many reasons I would not be accepting her “ honor” I wonder who accepted her offer and if they were treated any better.
41
Friend?
67
I married at age 35 in a small home made do it ourselves party for 50. Could not have been more simple.
The morning of the wedding, my mother says to me, " You are lucky your father and I are here."
Stunned, I ask what she means.
"What Jewish girl doesn't get married by a rabbi and doesn't have a caterer for her wedding?"
This one, mom. Oy vey.
82
@Joanne Dougan
"Gee mom, if it's such a chore to see your daughter get married, the door's over there. Don't let it hit you on the way out."
26
@Joanne Dougan
Lots of Jewish women (I hope girls aren't marrying--they are much too young!) have a wedding without a caterer. All we need is a rabbi, a chuppah, a minyan, a to-be spouse, some wine/grape juice, a ring and a light bulb in a bag for stomping.
12
@Joanne Dougan It wasn't about you, it was about what her friends thought/said/etc. You go, ignore Mom, and we all understand.
11
Yes! Having a small wedding definitely works. Also, get rid of the pompous structures and requirements of weddings. We had a small wedding of 25 people, at the beach, followed by a party-like reception at our favorite restaurant. We organized and paid for everything ourselves, and intentionally skipped a lot of the formalities. No maid of honor, no best man, no "wedding party" or whatever the flock of "the selected few" is called at "regular" weddings. Also, no thank you notes or other wastes of paper, money and effort. Those are all not only ripe for potential hurt feelings and drama, but in my opinion, unnecessary posturing. I don't need to pick favorites. All my quests are equally special and welcome. And I made sure to thank each afterward in whatever form was most fitting and practical. There were no broken friendships. The wedding was fun. No drama. I recommend that over the big circus show!
34
@Nefertiti So people gave you gifts and you didn't send thank you notes?
37
They gave me their gifts personally at the wedding, I took each gift from the giving hand, said thank you and hugged the giver. Why should I need to do anything else? How is an impersonal piece of stationery sent on a mail truck days later better? Just because your grandma did it doesn't mean it's better.
29
@Nefertiti Poor manners!! So typical of the recent generations. People expect a WRITTEN thank you. Some people save them in scrapbooks, especially relatives and friends.
When I was married in 1986, I observed all the forms. Not only were WRITTEN Thank You Notes at the reception and included with the favors, but my husband and I spend a whole day before departing on our honeymoon sending out Thank You notes. And people LOVED that!
What a sorry shame! No written Thank yous because you were just TOO CHEAP AND SELFISH to send them. And BAD MANNERS< TO BOOT!
45
A college friend of mine complained on and off about having been in more than a dozen cousins' weddings. On purpose, I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid (about which she complained) but did ask her to do a reading (about which she complained). She was drunk at our wedding (which was held at 11:30 AM) and botched the reading. She acted outrageously flirtatious towards my husband's best friend, who had flown over from Germany for the wedding WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. After the wedding, she wrote me a letter saying we needed a break. I told her I didn't think a break was really going to do the trick (it was preceded by multiple "breaks"), and we haven't spoken or seen each other since then. She was the person with whom I learned the lesson, "If there's someone you can only take in small doses, why do you have them in your life at all?"
113
@Catherine The only people who should be in your wedding are people WHO APPROVE of your wedding without complaining.
14
Articles like this seem to bring out self-righteousness by the carload. Either I had a tiny wedding and it was the perfect choice or I had a huge wedding and it was the perfect choice. Either way, I'm so much smarter than you are. Then there is the absurd, sad scenario--someone hurt my feelings and I never spoke to that person again and I've never regretted it. In other words, life is a grudge match.
143
Perhaps it all started because Ms. Molello clearly made it about her when she turned down the (clearly intentional) invitation to be the maid-of-honor.
47
eloped with my wife 31 years ago to avoid all the planning, relatives, gifts and other such nonsense. Reverend Love married us overlooking Lake Tahoe and had a great weekend. Came home to a three hour cocktail party put on by her grandmother where all were invited who wanted to come. Family dinner after the party and off to honeymoon. We used the money we saved to buy our first house! Best decision we ever made!
concentrate on fun, family and close friends and you can't miss.
91
@steve We were at our favorite place in Tahoe City one morning when a bunch of well-dressed people came in. One couple had just gotten married on the beach then walked across the street to Tahoe House for the reception -- newly married couple bought bagels, coffee and breakfast for everyone.
24
@steve
Hey, we got married overlooking Lake Tahoe too, 26 yrs ago, just us. Congrats on your 31 yrs! Tahoe must be good luck.
20
The expectations on all sides in regards to weddings these days are often outrageous. Everyone thinks they should be invited. Well, if you get invited that's great but if you don't, so what ? it's just a one day event. Weddings cost money. Not everyone can be invited.
For Brides: your bridesmaid are not your slaves or servants. They are there to celebrate. Don't expect them to attend/plan every one of your bridal showers and don't expect them to pay for a expensive destination wedding or bachelorette party.
People need to get a grip.
50
Yes! It may be “your day” but there are 363 other days in the year to your friends and family and you will need them for the not so special events in life.
People who don’t get invited? Get off your high horse and think about it. Have you even seen your college roommate in the past year?
Or maybe the bride is just a jerk and you can now admit what you’ve always known about her....
5
I"m sure many people have wedding nightmare stories. My future in-laws gave us an ultimatum that if we did not invite the 3 year old nephew of my husband, they would not attend the wedding. We did not want children at the wedding but they basically blackmailed us. Said 3 yo came to the wedding and proceeded to pull the 4 ft crystal wall hangings from the wall. He was the only child there. My in-laws lived 1500 miles away and I did not have to deal with them much, thank goodness. I often told my husband we would probably be divorced if they lived close by.
33
Weddings and funerals bring out (or expose) the best and the worst behavior in families and friends.
40
@csm Weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people for different reasons. Some people grieve in bizarre ways, and a funeral forces even the non-grieving to relive memories of the dear departed that can awaken hurt, resentment, and emotional confusion, not to mention fear of death. Everyone should be given a pass at funerals because, however badly some people behave, there is a core of inescapable, emotional honesty about the whole event.
But weddings have been corrupted by American capitalism. The whole Bridezilla phenomenon, along with destination weddings, insupportable expenses, and over-the-top expectations for bachelor parties and bridal showers, grew out of a toxic alliance of bridal magazines and reality TV. People who misbehave during these tacky affairs are showing weak character and good riddance to them.
31
Indian culture dictates wedding invitations are less 'RSVP' and more 'there's a wedding happening, show up as you will.' Instead of caring about flowers or decor we threw ourselves into making sure our guests (who did travel) knew that we loved them (and that we were equally excited if they could or couldn't turn our decided-18-months-in-advance-wedding into their vacation for the year).
It was a lot more fun focusing outwards than in!
22
When my stepmother's daughter got married, my stepmother called me to invite my family (including 2 daughters, then 8 and 10) to the wedding, a few months away. She asked to speak to my daughters, so I put them on the phone. She told them they would be coming to a wonderful wedding, and that I would be taking them to buy pretty dresses for it. A few weeks later, she called to say they had decided they didn't want such a big wedding after all, and were reducing the size, so my family didn't make the cut: we were uninvited. My brother's family, however, would still be coming.
At least I hadn't bought the dresses yet.
47
@Ellen
I'd have put my daughters on the phone with her and let her explain that they were not longer invited, and wouldn't be getting new, pretty dresses.
47
@Leigh
I thought about that, but was worried it might upset the kids even more- I wasn't sure how she would react, or how the kids would. I only had a second to decide.
33
Wow
19
On the flip side how many friendships or relationships are broken for not attending a wedding? I assume you are pretty much required to attend and give a gift upon receiving an invitation? Like having to pay and travel to a "destination" wedding? I can't afford to travel but sent a gift. I'm sure this didn't endear me to them but they come from money and think everyone lives like them. Just hop on a plane, book a room, etc. No.
29
Not true! If you are invited your only obligation is to let the bride/groom know if you are coming in a timely manner. You are only obligated to send/bring a gift if you attend. And then only what you can afford no matter what’s on their registry!
41
The expectations and financial burden of being in a wedding party can exacerbate any underlying tensions. I find most weddings burdensome when I have t be directly involved, and size doesn't matter--small weddings can be just as fraught with tensions that break up friendships. Let's admit it too, that some brides became demanding and stressed out for that "special day," so it creates anxiety for all involved. The best weddings are where you can show up, celebrate, and then go home.
32
My best friend introduced me to her after my wife du jour literally left in the night never to return. It was a kind gesture intended to distract me from grief.
She, the new one, was obsessed; I was initially disinterested, but was eventually melted by what I incorrectly believed was selfless love. I did not see the madness that lurked below the surface of her devotion. I did not know her family’s deep history of mental illness, sexual abuse and alcoholism.
She slowly, and methodically cut my best friend away from me, as she did all my friends. My best friend, now on the outside, withdrew in horror as I waded into a marriage that became an unending emergency of the new wife’s manias.
When my new wife’s obsessive mania stopped, having been consumed to its dregs along with my life, and we separated, my friend was there. But no kind introductions this time, just the support of a good, life long friend.
51
We got married in our good friends' front yard, and they threw us a pot luck reception. Cheapest wedding ever, good party afterward. A friend married us and we paid him with a bottle of whiskey.
When my son and his live-in girlfriend of 7 years wed, the wedding party was her sister, his sister, his best friend, and her niece. It was lovely and very informal. A friend married them, and another friend grew and arranged all the lovely flowers, while a third took pictures.
When I read that the average wedding costs more than $20K it makes me crazy. That money could be used for a down payment on a house, or a fabulous trip, or to pay off student loans, or any of a number of better purposes. All the expense and trauma for a single day is nuts.
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@Susan
Wedding parties are NOT a good investment....
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@Susan If I had a chance to do it over, I would go for a smaller affair. Mine was one of those $20k weddings (you'd be surprised at how far that _doesn't_ go!) - only 100 people. But I was a first-time bride at the age of 40 and I wanted to fulfill that dream. So, me today would say no way but my younger self was determined to have that 'big' wedding.
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@Susan
The best wedding I went to was that of my cousin's in the backyard of his and the bride's home. About 40 people showed up, about half were, like me, relatives. He and the bride bartered their skills for some needed items, everything else was pot luck. It was about as low key as you could get and a true celebration.
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I was one of 7 bridesmaids in my brother in law’s wedding and was told to arrive at the venue dressed, for pictures prior to the wedding at 2 pm. When I arrived at the venue, the bride and 4 of the other bridesmaids were there already taking pictures and appeared to have been at it for quite a while. The bride had basically separated us in to an A and B list of bridesmaids, taking most of, if not all of the formal wedding party shots with just the A list of bridesmaids that had arrived earlier than we were told to. The B list bridesmaids were allowed to be in a few token wedding party shots, but it was crystal clear that we had been separated in to categories, despite the fact that we all shelled out thousands of dollars for dresses and were asked to be bridesmaids. There were many slights, including the B-list bridesmaids not making the cut for the bachelorette party either, which we found out about while watching the A-list get their pictures taken with the bride. It was expensive, time consuming, confusing as to why we were even in the wedding party in the first place and ultimately hurtful.
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Happened to me too only it was my sister. She preferred her wealthy in laws over her own family. They paid for most of the wedding, since my parents did not approve of the match. My boyfriend and I spent days prior and the day of the wedding trying to make everything perfect and troubleshooting issues the day of. My only sister boycotted our wedding three years later.
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How anybody can ask a guest to spend outrageous amounts of money buying an outfit that they chose for them is beyond me. Not only telling you what to wear, but making you buy it, too. Maybe it's because I'm not American, but the mere thought of it is so outrageous and rage-inducing to me that it's hard to even believe. The nerve! I could never ask such a thing, and if somebody were to ask me, I'd refuse to go to the wedding altogether, hurt feelings or not.
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@Nefertiti Bridesmaids buying their own dresses is standard in the US. Dresses costing thousands is not standard.
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My husband's daughter, who had never treated us well and whose mother was "her best friend", wanted us to pay 1/2 of her wedding expenses. She had a very good job. My husband had put her through a private collage, where she graduated with a degree. She had no sense of being grateful for anything she received from us. I had long before decided that we wouldn't pay for her wedding. That was almost three years ago and she hasn't spoken to us, saying that she would never forgive us. I am happy that she is out of my life.
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@Brigid McCormick Is your husband happy is daughter is out of his life? Had he long ago decided that he wouldn't pay for her wedding? Did he expect her to be grateful for paying for college?
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Wow. I’d like to hear the other side of this story!
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@Brigid McCormick Wow, what an entitled kid...why did she think she was owed 1/2 of a wedding from you?
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The happiest weddings we've experienced in the last few years were those that had no bridesmaids and no groomsmen, just friends who wore what they wanted and had a good time.
Of course that requires a bride and groom who don't buy into the pretense that their wedding is supposed to be the princess fantasy of a 13 year old.
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Yes! That's what we did and it was awesome! No hurt feelings and outrageous expenses, just a lot of fun.
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@Dee I agree! Those weddings are so much more fun for everyone! On the flip side, I've been to weddings where the bride and groom only interact with their wedding party, and it just never seems to have the same energy.
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When I was away at college, a childhood friend with whom I had lost touch called me at school and asked me to be in her wedding. I said I was so sorry but I couldn't; I had finals and couldn't miss them. Well and good.
Next day, I got a call from her mother a woman with whom I had had run-ins all my life. She said she wanted me in her daughter's wedding and if I couldn't afford the dress, she would pay for it.
I so wanted to tell her no, but I knew that was the story she would share at church and in town, that I couldn't afford it, and my mother would have been humiliated, so I said I would come.
How I wish I had had the wisdom to recognize her manipulation.
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@Nannygoat sorry she manipulated you by offering to pay for your dress and saying she wanted you in the wedding?
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I've always thought small weddings were far more sensible.
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KISS- my husband and I married in our living room with only our parents and siblings families present. A good friend performed the ceremony free of charge, and we made all the food ourselves. Buffet style. Stress free, no schedule, with a focus on Love & uniting our families. These were our priorities. And our wedding was perfect, at least for us.
I also never wanted to wear a white dress or go through the embarrassment of accepting gifts for tying the knot, an intimately personal decision. But I’m the shy type! To each their own but hopefully people can enjoy themselves on this special day. It isn’t too much to ask.
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Unfortunately there is almost no way to get married without upsetting someone, whether that person is "inner circle," "outer circle" or so far off the radar that it never occurred to you to invite them in the first place. My husband and I also wanted to have a small wedding, excluding extended family that we rarely or never see and friends with whom we had lost touch. It quickly became clear that the emotional trauma that would be wrought on my (the bride's) parents by not inviting the entire family would be too great. (My parents paid, but they gave us a payment up front and allowed us to use the money as we pleased.) We ended up with a "small-ish" wedding of about 125 people, and I will say that it was truly the happiest day of my life. However, prior to the wedding, we vetoed the proposed 10 person "friend list" presented to my husband by his mother (10 people whom we had never met). Such was her anger that she declined to attend the wedding, and has not spoken to my husband or me since. Some people will never get over themselves; you have to accept it and move on.
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We also had a rule that if either of us hadn’t met a potential guest, no invite. That eliminated many work-related people and more distant relatives.
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This is part of the absurdities of females. BTW I am one, and when I got married I was appalled at the petty ridiculous things people complained about. Example....I had a bride's maid that had a massive tantrum because I didn't consult her on the dresses (before she saw them).....then when she saw them she was so in love with what I chose she continued to wear it to formal gatherings for literally YEARS (like I would pick something horrible?) The catty weird nonsense that weddings produce really surfaces a level of thinking you would have no idea was going on in there. The weddings I have attended, ones I helped with, my own, and others I hear about are really just a "ceremony of hope" because no one really knows what the heck will happen in 5 years (or less.) Many people destroy friendships over a temporary marriage that wasn't a great idea in the first place, and it's just a loss all the way around. It is rare for an entire wedding event to not leave a small path of destruction in the form of hurt feelings.
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@MIV
I think that we can all agree in this day and age that absurdities are not limited by gender.
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I have long decided that I would rather have very few, but very good and drama-free friends, than have more friends but need to deal with this kind of pettiness and drama, because honestly, I just can't. You're a generous person if you can keep such people in your life. But there's a price, I guess.
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@Dr. M That is certainly true.
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Sounds like the bride thought Ms Molello was a better friend than she was. Ms Molello just was not into her. I think the bride is better off.
I attended a smaller wedding where everyone they knew was invited to the service but only family and close friends to the small reception due to the cost. I was fine with that since i was a work friend.
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@hilliardI was surprised that she turned down Maid of Honor. Picking between sisters can be hard for people. Ms. Molello should have just followed the bride's lead.
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My favorite is a comment made to a friend of mine by a friend of hers. The wedding was to be enormous - 500 people. But this "friend" did not invite my friend, someone whose hospitality she had enjoyed many times by staying at her vacation home, self-invited. She told my friend, "We just didn't have room for you but you would have been in the next 100 if we could have had more"!
At that point, one just has to laugh as the entire thing is totally ridiculous. Not in the top 500 of friends, but would make the cut at 600...
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@India, wow. If it was me, it would have been tough not to say, "I like the way you think, I'm sure you'll understand next time there is a vacation home getaway and I have to make a cut."
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I have been in 15 weddings and I am single. I actually find that the married friend is more likely to alienate single friends after getting married because you are not a "couple." I cannot tell you how many people just disappeared once you "served" as their bridesmaid or maid of honor. You are no longer "one of them." Props to my current bestie. She is the opposite. She included me in everything in her destination wedding. We see each other often. She refers to me as Auntie to her son; and we never are but a phone call away. Her husband welcomes me as part of their family. Heck, his parents include me in events all the time. I send her parents Christmas Cards and have brunch with her mom. Sometimes... you find a friend for life and they just become family. I support her and her husband 100%... and they do me. And, that is what friendship is....
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@Sam Amen!
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So happy about your experience with your bestie. I’m single and have had married friends drop me right after the wedding because I wasn’t part of a couple and others who remained close. I thought this might be limited to females but my boyfriend tells me that this is true for men as well.
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Simply put, weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people. Even the small, simple wedding that my husband and I chose to have in hopes of avoiding any conflict ended up angering one of his female college friends because we didn't take her suggestion of having wedding programs and because we didn't give her a role in our wedding. We didn't see the need for the expense of program for the 75ish guests we had and only had our siblings as our attendants. But she used those, and our not inviting her grandmother to the wedding, as reasons to not come to our wedding. We had a lovely day and I can't even say she was missed.
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Wow, I'm blown away by the comments. What is it with people thinking they have any say in how you do things at your own wedding? Who to invite, what to include, etc. I guess maybe parents who are paying for it feel like they have bargaining power, but... some random quest... Wow, it's really hard to believe. I guess that weeds out the people not worth having in your life anyway.
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For me, I didn't fully appreciate the depth of feeling and significance attached to the rituals until I had my own wedding. I didn't lose any friends who got married before me, but I wish I could go back and give more support to them than I did.
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Yes, the smaller the better as was stated- that is why I chose to elope and glad I did. Secretly, many people were relieved and felt off the hook. Weddings are stressful for everyone for lots of reasons: maybe someone isn't in a good place to celebrate because of grieving etc. , invitee can't afford a gift or bridesmaid's dress (I have been there), divorced parents or other family estrangements. I recall my bother-in-law's wedding where my mother in law treated me like a servant demanding me to hand out corsages and I burst into tears. My husband stood up to his mom and told her not to treat my wife like a dog- and 20 years later she hasn't.
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@K.C.
We did the same. City hall in December, honeymoon in May and celebration in June. We threw a party at a restaurant for siblings and a few very close friends. Had a no present rule and all we did was laugh and dance and drink and eat. Perfection!
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@K.C.
My impression is that destination weddings are the ultimate in setting high demands for guests - or a sleight of hand of inviting people who the couple knows cannot attend ( in which case the invites are reduced to trawling for presents).
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@cheryl
My friends got married on the other side of the planet because the husband was from the other side of the planet - no more, no less. His family there (including his sick father) were pretty much local so it really wasn't an extravagance.
I was fortunately able to go (along with another mutual friend in Europe) - we mentioned what timing would be prohibitive, and they tweaked accordingly.
It was a great time: a small wedding and a little bit of a vacation. We danced hard and we had fun.
I do realize that this isn't going to apply in all cases, but wanted to point out that sometimes a rose is - a rose.
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I second Dr. Meyers' solution: Have a small wedding. It can be done, don't give into the pressure.Big weddings are as overrated as big houses. I know of what I speak. My 28th wedding anniversary is this Saturday. There were 50 people at my wedding and except for my relatives who have died, I still see everyone else who attended on a regular basis. I have never regretted having a small wedding, but I do sometimes regret the house that's too big for us.
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@Karole
The industrial wedding machine is a HUGE business.
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@RC. and it ain't nothing but a racket. The saleswomen at the bridal store tried to shame me into getting a veil and a special slip, neither of which I wanted or needed. The registry consultant tried to force us to include items I knew my friends and family couldn't afford. (Wine glasses at $75 a stem. That was not going to happen.) I love weddings, but they're a lot more fun to attend than they are to plan.
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I completely disagree with the conclusion of this piece. Small weddings by definition require exclusion. Exclusion leads to hurt feelings. My fiance and I thought about having a small wedding for approximately 60 seconds before we realized that my dearest aunts are not in the "immediate family circle," and if we made an exception, what about my less-dear-but-still-cool uncles? Could we really invite our friends and not our cousins, with whom we grew up? Would my boss hold a grudge at work if she didn't make the cut?
At the end of the day we invited everyone we could possibly afford, threw a big bash and had a great time with the many important people in our lives. It was worth the sacrifice.
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@Diana Napolillo - Perhaps a better phrase would be "simple wedding." It's possible to have lots of people gather without the fancy hotel, over the top décor etc.
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We told people that we simply could not afford to invite everybody. We'd just graduated college, with student debt, and paid for the wedding ourselves, because our parents were poor. It was a small 25-person wedding at the beach, with the reception at a local restaurant. It was either that, or, sure, come one come all but we'll pack you in our rented apartment and eat hot dogs. Nobody was offended.
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@DR Totally true... thank you for making the distinction.
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