Is Everybody Really Doing It?

I am glad you are making the right choice for you, Kevin. But if you think that once you leave college there will be MORE time in your life for sex and relationships then you may be in for an unhappy surprise.

While its perfectly good and healthy to not have sex while in college, it is not good to abstain because of anxiety. We shouldn't be comfortable in a world where anxiety is the accepted reason not to do things.

The linked survey is actually pretty useless. The make-up of the school will alter those statistics wildly. A commuter school will have a lot lower response rate for sexual activity. If you can't comfortably invite someone to a private space, the hit rate for sexually encounters drops dramatically. More sex is going to take place more often at live away colleges. Your desire to be a virgin or not doesn't matter. The college size is another one. If you attend a bigger school, you're less likely to meet people outside your program. Social networks facilitate sexual activity. If you attend a predominately male program, your sex life is going to suffer in proportion to your known female acquaintances. The reverse is true for women but the effect is obviously less pronounced. Smaller schools tend to offset the impact. The survey also ignores respondent credibility. Are the students even telling the truth? Fifty percent of freshman reporting regular sexual activity seems suspiciously high. Maybe for women but unlikely for men. Issues of sexuality tend to skew the figures even further. Respondents from both genders are less likely to report homosexual encounters. In short: There's probably as much sex as you think happening on campus and more. However, the reality probably doesn't mean what you think it means. For instance, that bowl of condoms would disappear the first day of the school. You'd find someone selling cheap condoms to friends a few days later.

"Let’s Figure It Out" The question wasn't answered - what are the defining factors which say "push through" versus "switch paths / goals"? It is a conundrum - but I think talking with others can highlight and elicit what you really want / think at the deepest level. These sorts of decisions cannot always be arrived at by reason.

I think the expectations are really dependent on one's peer group. During my college years, I spent part of the time on the designated "quiet" and thus de facto studious 2 floors of one particular dorm. Yes, people talked about sex but I don't remember it being among the top 5 or even top 10 topics. We instead were concentrated on our career, sports, hobbies, etc. I would say the majority of my friends were not religious at all or only slightly. And we were far from prudes: Dan Savage was a celebrity in Seattle before he went national. I attended his talk with my friends when he visited our building.

High school is like a small town; everybody is into your business. So coming to college is a culture shock. Mostly nobody cares. Nobody is paying attention if you’re home alone, having sex, going to class... So play that to your advantage and use this time to really explore what you want to do. Do new things and get to know people you like. If you’re academic, embrace that and meet those who share that. Find your people. You will find a social life that feels right to you. College for me felt terribly awkward and unfriendly at first. But eventually it was mind expanding. I met people from all over the world, took classes in disciplines I’d never heard of, heard music I never knew existed, took up new sports. (In my high school only athletes got to do sports without being mocked, so I’d never had the nerve. ) Become the person you want to be. Sex and Romance follow from that. Pressured sex isn’t fun anyway.

It’s better as the author writes new t stress out about it. It just creates stress later in life, like when you are not have no sex when your married and have kids though you are not being a ‘man’ because you are in a period of sexual inactivity. That notion often comes from the societal pressure from college and I’m glad that hear it’s changing. Nobody usually sits around talking about sex but day to day activities, except perhaps in the fraternities where,they may be intense pressure. I’m glad to see we are not using that warp perception of manhood we feel is the ‘norm’ day n college, and those of us outside those fraternities—also called the vast majority— are not the norm.

Do whatever you can to learn to bond with the opposite gender in a positive way that will lead to having sex you both feel good about. You will never have as good an opportunity to experience sexual acceptance, a vital part of all relationships. After college comes the work world, where you'll meet a fraction of the number of possible partners you're meeting now. Yes, there will be bars, but those seldom lead to anything satisfying. Dating apps are an option, but nothing is like meeting in real life and nothing ever will be. Read self help books on it if you have to, see a therapist, study people who have good relationships. Set goals, like expressing your interest in at least two people a week. And don't wait. Yes, you can always feel good about being true to yourself, and no doubt your cats will think better of you for that. Your getting this from a sixty-year old who never learned such things and has spent all but half a dozen or so of his nights alone.

This feels quite sad to me. I went to college in the 80s and had a lot of sex. Thankfully, there was no hookup culture then, but I and most people I knew, had boyfriends/girlfriends; that is, we had relationships that lasted from weeks to years. But, yes of course there were one-night stands too. To put this in context, I was extremely studious, loved my classes, went on to get a PhD and to become a researcher. There is definitely enough time to work hard and to have sex. Everyone I knew did. I worry that college students now are more disconnected from each other, more cautious, perhaps even more fearful. Sex is an important part of life--especially when we are young. College students should not feel that they need to defer important parts of their lives (such as emotions, relationships, etc) in order to be successful as students. My teenage kid will be in college in a couple of years. I hope s/he does not have sex in high school (too young!), but sure hope s/he does in college!

There's a lot of money to be made off promoting the idea that "everybody" is having sex and if you are not, then somehow you are a loser. So many products are sold directly to enhance our physical attractiveness, not to mention all the bars, clubs, dating apps, etc. that profit off this activity. And let's not forget the items that are directly associated with sexual activity, such as condoms and other birth control methods. If you choose not to be active, don't be. And don't feel bad about it, either. You are not as "alone" as you think.

I think that the people who talk about sex the most, generally are the ones doing it the least, especially men.

I have taught at a small liberal arts college for the past 25 years. I assume some of my students are sexually active, but I don't get the sense that sex is rampant on campus. Sometimes I get the impression that, in its effort to protect students from health risks (e.g., STIs), the college administration unwittingly creates an expectation that students are inclined towards being sexually active. I wonder if the well-meaning efforts of college administrators actually incites more sexual activity than it inhibits. If you freely pass out condoms, do students get the impression that the college not only condones, but also promotes, sexual activity? It makes you think.

I have no doubt I wasted too much time attempting to get laid when I was in college. For the most part it was all about self esteem. if I had just learned to be happy with myself and not seek constant validation in others (i.e. women who wanted to have sex with me and men who respected me being sexually active) I would have been a much more content person. There is obviously way too much fixation on sex in our society. Take some yoga. Go to the gym. If you respect yourself you will eventually meet someone who will appreciate that part about you and likely find that attractive.