There isn't anything that can help a grieving parent enough to give them relief. I had gave birth to a 37 week old stillborn beautiful baby girl in 2015. This crushed my soul my relationship with my fiance then was destroyed i spiraled out of control. That lost changed me for the worst it shouldn't have but it did i cant and don't think i could ever be the same me i was. I just pray that something can help technology is advancing every day science is as well maybe other parents wont have to go through such tragedy. Thank you for this time to comment on such a real and hurtful topic.
1
Death is surreal and hard to comprehend even under the kindest of circumstances. How could someone who used to be right here ... just suddenly be gone? I can only imagine how impossible it must be to try and wrap your head around the death of a baby you’ve never even met yet. It’s the most natural thing in the world to crave the physical experience of seeing, touching, holding, loving your new baby. That doesn’t change just because the baby has died. What could possibly be wrong about allowing grieving families a few hours or days to immerse themselves in and memorize the essence of their child? I can see how some of the language in this article might be off putting to some - the word “bonding,” for example. How does one “bond” with someone who has already died? But this just shows the need to develop a better and more nuanced cultural vocabulary around death and dying.
5
Take it one step further. How about an abortion? My girlfriend had an abortion at 18 without my knowledge. I sometimes wonder what it would look like, how it would have grown.
7
@Ryan
With all respect, Ryan, it sounds as if you have not grieved the loss of the child you might have had. Maybe a therapist could help with this. Best wishes.
16
I’m sorry that you had this loss. People sometime grieve abortions too. To do so or not is personal, and neither way is wrong.
9
Take them for walks????
5
I just want to comment that I am the mother of a baby who died during birth more than two decades ago. I held her. Dressed her. Kissed her. Took photos with a disposable camera as it was all I had. She was perfect and I still deeply mourn her absence. While I appreciate the spirit of the cuddle cot, the reality is that its totally unnecessary. I spent three days with my daughter and - yes - she was slowly showing signs of death. But I see that as necessary for my mind/heart and nothing about her slow decomposition process prevented me from spending time with her body. The insinuation that a cooling cot is necessary is simple not true. I'd rather see these funds devoted to research to prevention stillbirth or to support grieving families. It would be much better use.
6
@Grief I'm sorry for the loss you experienced, and I am glad you had that time with your daughter after she passed. I would argue our donations that are the subject of this article went specifically to support grieving families. In fact, they probably provide the most immediate impact to a family that just experienced a loss. Every situation is different for every family, and not every grieving parent will choose to use one, and I respect that. But I can already confirm that our donations have definitively made an impact. We received care packages from support groups, and I thought they were absolutely wonderful. But nothing was more impactful to us than the time we spent with our twins, and the Cuddle Cot is what afforded us that opportunity. I respect your opinion, and you're very brave for sharing your story. So thank you.
5
@Grief My first daughter was stillborn on her due date thirty-nine years ago. I was lucky that the nurses encouraged me to hold her and said we could take pictures if we wanted. We held her for a while and had to wait over an hour while our friends tried to gather a camera. Within 2 hours of her birth, everywhere we had touched her turned deep purple and blue. I was told that bruising happens because their blood isn't circulating. I wonder if this cuddle cot might help with that. Did you experience the bruising happening with your little one?
1
@Mature Voter yes indeed!! I vaginally delivered my son, Ross Andrew, on February 3, 1988. and his birth was STILL. I was 42 weeks pregnant. When he was born he had crimson colored lips and his beautiful little face was pretty bruised. The top of his head appeared as if he had on a headband; but was told his skull overlapped at the SOFT SPOT. I was told the exact same thing about the bruising due to no circulation of blood. One more thing about his skin…it had started tearing. All that being said, I know I was overdue, but with a baby born still do they all look like that? Or did mine because I was overdue? Just curious…
I found this an interesting and pertinent article. Amazingly this week while talking to a friend, she spoke about her full termed daughter, who died during birth. She was not allowed to see or hold her daughter, even though she begged. She had four healthy young sons at home, and was told to appreciate what she had, not what she had lost! This was over fifty years ago, and still is raw. The child’s birthday is coming up and she was saying how she was always relieved when it had passed. I imagine she shared this with me as I had lost a son at age 16 in a MVA, many years ago, and could listen with some understanding. Anyway gist of this comment, is that the need for grief is helped with the understanding and care of others. These units speak to that need.
10
NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep) is a non-profit organization that has volunteer professional photographers who take beautiful, tasteful portraits for parents experiencing stillbirth or loss of a baby at birth, with no cost to the parents. I’m surprised that some people here are dismissive of photos of these loved babies. I would imagine photos would be cherished by grieving parents. https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org
11
I don’t dismiss the photos, but publishing them with an obituary is ... difficult at best.
2
I was a NICU nurse in the early ‘70’s .
When a baby dies prior to or shortly after birth the family is in shock . They may initially want the ( sometimes deformed ) infant taken away .
When a death occurred in the NICU we encouraged families to hold and
“ comfort “ the baby as long as they desired and when they left we had beautiful infant clothing and would photograph the baby unclothed ( as parents often were fearful or afraid of seeing the deformities ...but at a later date want to see their child ) and then dress the baby in “ going home “ outfits and photograph then in manner appropriate for sharing with siblings and family .
This gave families the ability to mourn as well as allowed them to see their baby as just that ...a baby who died too soon ... rather than just a stillbirth or a monster .
The care given to the family at this tragic time will have repercussions through their lives . Holding the infant , bathing , dressing ,and cuddling and photos will allow the sad reality to be remember as bittersweet rather than a medical event gone wrong .
13
Older women age 35 and especially 40 are at significantly increased risk for still birth after 38 weeks. That's why the new guidelines are to induce labor at 38 weeks if you're age 40 . I induced and do not regret it...
7
Thank you to the NYT for publishing on this topic. As a midwife & researcher parents need to be supported with choice & control within a chaotic event. Research with bereaved parents tells us that many find great comfort & value in spending as much time with their babies before interment, even bringing babies home. This is the family’s only opportunity to parent this child & shared memories need to be created to last a lifetime. Cuddle cots help greatly with this. While it may not be everyone’s choice, parents should be offered the option to spend as much time as the wish with their baby. As stillbirth occurs in 1:200 pregnancies in high resource countries, this subject should be of concern to many. Stillbirth remains a silent grief, often lacking the societal recognition of other bereavements. This silence is harmful to bereaved parents as their grief is often in acknowledged. More societal acknowledgement of this grief, including an opportunity to meet the deceased baby, may be beneficial. Parents will never forget their deceased babies and asking them to do so because we as onlookers are uncomfortable to bear witness to their babies death is disingenuous. We still have a long way to go in our understanding of loss & grief. One never ‘gets over’ such a loss rather the very fabric of our DNA is forever altered & the best we can hope for is to integrate the loss within our lives. As long as we are remembered, we will continue to live in the hearts & minds of those who love us
14
@Dr Margaret Murphy Well said!
1
I am the mother of a full term baby boy, Garrett. He was born June 20, 2005, At my 37-week appointment he was fine, 4 days later I wasn't sure he was moving. I went to the clinic and he was gone. I elected to have a c-section. My nurse, Kari was so wonderful and compassionate. The hospital staff were wonderful! The would take Garrett to the "chiller" I called it to keep him from decomposing as fast and would bring him to me whenever I requested. He was with me for about a day and 1/2 before we left the hospital. I would have loved to have a cuddle basket in my room so I could access him freely vs asking for him to be brought to me.
I think this idea is wonderful and if every hospital could have at least one, what a great thing! It will allow families to bond more with their baby. Perhaps even change a mother or father's mind about holding their baby. Or maybe allowing for an out of town relative or friend to come visit who can't be there quickly. I can't imagine having regret, leaving the hospital not having held my baby. Also allowing for photography. I cannot stress enough how important having pictures of their baby is to the family. Even if they don't think they want any, they will be sad and regret the decision later. Don't underestimate what a blessing to have good photos of the baby is in the healing process. They are a part of your family and should be remembered and seen in photographs, just like a living child.
23
I am a senior citizen who has suffered loss, and participated in the pain that my loved ones have suffered. Not only is this reminiscent of the practice of embalming bodies and posing them in real life tableaus on celebration days of their births or deaths, it is also is a pathetic commercialization of a reality of human life. The column immediately brought the picture of Norman Bates and his mother from the movie PSYCHO to mind. Are we going to go forward from this macabre perspective to having preservation rooms in our homes where we can visit with the deceased? Yech!
We are disturbed by animals in the wild when the young will not leave a deceased mother, yet we don't acknowledge human evolution that has an understanding of life and death. Maybe it is our culture that has so much hubris that we think we can cheat mortality. We are immortal. We are subject to disease, injury, aging and death.
I AM compassionate, and I grieve for parents' losses, but psychological and loving moral support is much healthier for a parent who has lost a child (infant or otherwise) and needs help THROUGH the grieving process to move forward with their lives...not a baby who is no longer a person, but merely a collection of cells that is being preserved.
I find this disturbing on so many levels.
18
@Mountain Dragonfly The device offers a brief respite from biological processes—when these parents have already been dealt one of biology’s cruelest blows. It’s a far cry from Miss Havisham’s living room or tableaux of embalmed corpses.
12
@Mountain Dragonfly
Excuse me, you are NOT compassionate if you think that a baby is no longer a person to his or her parents, or to the the world at large, for that matter. A child who is borne, at whatever stage, is not a mere collection of cells. They contain the loving hopes and dreams for the next generation. I have never met a parent who lost a child of any age who was not able to come to a personal resolution. In my generation, that was mostly without "grieving help".
I find your response disturbing on so many levels...
16
As someone who has lost two sons, you never move through it, you never get over it, you never move forward, you simply carry it.
Many people have various ways of experiencing and coping with their grief. It would be more compassionate of you to simply accept the ways and methods that people cope with their grief as opposed to dissecting it and giving your input on something you yourself have never experienced (unless you have birthed dead children, do correct me if I’m wrong though based on your response I’d wager my life on the fact that you have not).
1
This January 19th, my stillborn son would have been 32 years old.
I am here to tell you that one never, ever gets over the death of a child. That is the reality.
I have lost parents, siblings, best friends. Not the same...
One learns to smile again, and live a joyful life again, and I have enjoyed every happiness in my life since then.
Now I celebrate his birth, not his death. They just happen to be on the same day. My only consolation from that time was that I held him in my arms for a day before I let him go forever.
When I die, I'll get over his death. But not till then...
25
I sense a lot of self-protection in some of these comments insisting that those who would want extended bonding with a dead baby's body are macabre, delusional, or mentally unwell.
Sorry to tell you this, but to become a parent is to lay yourself absolutely prostrate before mind-bending vulnerability and animal terror. The most rational among us are not spared.
33
How I wish that I was able to see and hold my son who was stillborn weighing 9 lbs. on 10/21/81. He was my 11th child. I never had closure with him except for a brief glimpse of him. I remained in the hospital for four days and he was buried during that time. My husband handled purchasing the burial plot and my mother accompanied him to the cemetery. We were blessed with three more children but there is a definite void that still exists in my life to this day.
10
@Kathryn Cox I am so sorry for your loss of your son and for you, my heart aches. I cannot imagine being denied being able to hold my daughter, even though we only had four hours with her. It is cruel and not fair what they did to you.
6
It sounds macabre. Hold the dead baby soon after birth while it’s still warm, in its natural state. That is appropriate closure. Holding a chilled corpse, or a box that is essentially a refridgerated coffin, incongruously called a Cuddle Cot? How is that a comfort? Bring it home, take it for a walk, as if it’s alive? That’s getting into “Psycho” territory.
21
@PL have you experienced a stillbirth? It's pretty judgmental to say grieving mothers are in psycho territory. This for has helped so many grieving mothers get a chance to say goodbye. They aren't acting as if their baby was alive. They very much know their baby is dead. A lot of cultures keep their dead relatives in a state of "lying in repose" in their home for grieving for an unspecified amount of time.
Death is very much a part of life as birth and western culture is still very uncomfortable with it. People need to grieve and there's nothing macabre about parents wanting to spend time with their baby. It's the only time they will ever have. Be a little more considerate
29
@Alex — the long-term psychological benefits of bonding with a newborn who has already died is debatable. Skin-to-skin contact with a dead baby whose skin is already cold is questionable. Be assured my comments are made out of concern for the parents’ mental health.
11
@PL who are you to dictate what appropriate closure is?
17
In 1974, I saw just one of my dead twins--the one I'd suddenly birthed at home after six weeks of intense pain from undiagnosed internal bleeding. The second twin, which arrived in a hospital 45 minutes later, was whisked away sight-unseen.
Hours later, I asked to see it and was told it had been disposed of. Neither nurses nor the doctor could (would?) tell me if it had been a boy or a girl.
The horror of that experience has never left my heart. It caused me to eat my way up to 195 pounds during my next pregnancy, desperate to produce a larger baby (which I assumed would be more likely to live). I lost that weight before getting pregnant again, then immediately regained it, and have never since been able to shed it for long.
In the early 2000s, when my older surviving child went into premature labor, I sat beside her hour after hour striving to live in the present moment while being assailed by post-traumatic memories. I was so glad that she and our grandson-in-progress had the benefit of ideal modern medicine, yet my heart was being shredded by vivid memories of that desperate night so long ago.
There was no one available to help me then, just as there had been no one to help me in 1974. That wound has healed over again... more or less.
20
@MLChadwick I am so sorry for your loss and the trauma that results already from losing a baby, let alone having that baby stolen from you. When they took my baby via emergency C-section and I only had four hours with her after, I felt like she was stolen from me. I cannot imagine what they did to you and I'm so sorry.
8
Back in 1994 when we lost our son there was none of this. It was taboo, you just went home and moved on best you could. I would’ve liked to have had this option.
21
I have two healthy children, so I thankfully haven’t ever experienced this firsthand, but I think it’s a great idea!
Not to compare children to pets, but even when my first cat died suddenly (she had to be put down due to a previously undiagnosed heart defect - she went from appearing totally healthy to dead in 5 hours), I took her home from the clinic and stayed up with her all night before we buried her the next morning. Not allowing the same thing for a baby is cruel beyond measure. I’m glad this product exists to give parents the same opportunities that pet owners take for granted.
17
I am a grandmother of three and I would just like to express my sincere condolences to the parents who have lost a baby. I am so sorry for your loss. My little brother died when he was five months old and I saw the grief that my mother bore for the rest of her life. Words cannot convey the pain that families suffer.
I plan to donate a CuddleCot to a hospital in my city soon. Thank you NYT for this article and everyone for sharing (except the judgemental posts).
44
@JMM Thank you for donating one. It is truly necessary for future families to have access to this. Even if they choose not to utilize it, it at least provides them the choice to spend more time with their baby. It's the only time they'll ever have together again.
4
Something happened to us that was different but just as painful, at the time. Our first child, a boy, was born alive and full term but with spina bifida and hydrocephalus. This was in 1965. We were advised not to see him and just put him in a home to die.
Fortunately for us, this happened in a city with a first rate research hospital and a senior pediatrics nerosurgical resident. This young doctor had been learning a newly developed form of surgery to correct or at least help cases like our son’s. He decided that our son would be a good candidate for the surgery.
Without help, fluid accumulates in the brain and spinal cord. The result is retardation and paralysis.
But thanks to this new and daring surgical approach, my son was instead able to come home and have a normal childhood. He had some difficulty left over from the massive early damage, but he grew up bright and able to do well in a good school — and went on to college and graduate school.
We never forgot, though, the excruciating moment that he was first brought to me following his birth so that I could say good-bye to him. There is no other grief quite like that one.
54
I haven't heard of a Cuddle Cot before, very interesting. Twenty years ago, our second son was stillborn and we were able to spend time afterwards with him, and get some wonderful photos, and lovely hand and foot prints, which we have treasured for all this time. So trust me when I say that this is definitely worth having! That said, in the last few decades, many maternity wards have had cold rooms or small fridges specifically for preserving tissue samples or placentas or when needed, miscarried and stillborn babies' remains. The nurses would clean the babies up and wrap them in blankets and hats that were knitted and donated by volunteers for this very purpose, and bring them to parents. After awhile, they would be put into the fridge while the mother slept or ate, and then later brought out again if parents wanted to see them again, and the fridge allowed them to have more time. That said, this device sounds like a better idea, much improved concept. I hope every hospital gets one.
38
The death of any loved one is a profoundly personal and painful event. We all handle it in our own way, based on our religion (if any), and the norms of our culture.
My father was the youngest of 10 surviving children , being born in a small rural town in the midwest. When his parents and his siblings died, they were "laid out" in their open coffin in the front parlor of the family home. I only experienced this with a couple of uncles, but it upset me profoundly, and I told my father I could not do this for him someday. Somewhere, there are photos he took of both his parents in their coffins.
But if I lost a child, whether it be in childbirth or later, I would want to hold that dead child for a period of time in order to say goodbye. When I lost my husband, I requested to be able to wash his body before he was taken by the mortuary for cremation. But I knew very well it was his body, not him.
The late Deborah Mitford lost 3 of her 6 children shortly after their birth. As was the custom in those days, they were taken from her immediately and she never saw them. But she mourned them. She was comforted her greatly when many years later, her MIL told her that she herself had baptized each of those babies before they were taken away for burial. She spoke about it in the biography she wrote in her 80's. A mother does not forget a child.
I do have reservations about a dead baby being taken from the hospital. I don't like open caskets and no photos, please.
17
It stands to reason that this would be helpful. The animal instinct of a mom is to care for her baby, and most women these days wouldn’t be in a position to gather with friends and prepare the infant’s body for burial or cremation. Preparation of the dead body is an important component in saying farewell. The biggest part of grief is not having a target for your love.
20
In the 1980's I was an L&D RN, & volunteered for "Resolve Through Sharing", a group which encouraged obstetric RNs to volunteer to help parents through stillbirths, and to an extent, late miscarriages as well.
There were numerous times I stayed late, on my own time, to talk to and give information to such parents. If they WISHED to see the baby (some did not) the baby was wrapped in baby blankets and presented to them, for however long they wished to hold him/ her. Arrangements were made, if the parents desired, to have funeral homes contacted for burial services (which does not normally happen with stillborns). Religious personnel were contacted if it was wished by the parents.
Literature provided to the volunteer RN's in training classes, explained how many long term problems can be traced back to unresolved stillbirths. Women's rate of alcoholism for just one example, are higher in these cases.
Before "Resolve Through Sharing" and a few similar programs, women were routinely sedated (sometimes for days after the tragedy) and no one allowed, let alone encouraged, them to see and hold their baby.
YES it was controversial, both with parents, their families, and with (surprisingly to me) many other RNs and some OB doctors.
I'm now retired but I hope this is now accepted and practiced everywhere. (At the major medical center where I worked, we had about 200 deliveries per month and at least one would be a full term, unexpected stillbirth).
32
As a new nurse in rural New Hampshire in 1976, I began my career in labor and delivery at a large referral hospital. Working the night shift I frequently attended difficult deliveries. Often in those quiet, late hours it was up to me to bathe, dress and talk to stillborn infants, as I took photos so that their parents would have something to take home. As the mother of two stillborn sons myself, I wish I had had the opportunity to bring them home in a tangible memory as well. How wonderful that this technology exists.
38
I am wondering who gave the hospitals and clinicians the absolute authority to decide whether a parent would "be allowed" to have access to a stillborn child or deceased neonate. Who owns the body in this case? The hospital? The state? Do pregnant women really sign away their rights like this when they give birth in a facility in the USA? In any case I find it absolutely mind-boggling that large sectors of the medical industry apparently still try to make and enforce rules like this in 2019.
31
@Humanist:
no, the baby belongs to the parent, though there are of course legal requirements when it is a stillbirth, such as the correct disposal of the body. See my post above, those parents in group I worked with were helped to contact funeral homes if they wished to have a burial.
11
@Humanist It has long been taken for granted that a girl or woman is merely a kind of wrapping in which an embryo develops into a fetus and, in most cases, eventually becomes a baby. Her hopes, needs, and desires--even her life--are still often considered to be of no account.
9
@Humanist Why must you attribute malice to the decision? Dead bodies decay quickly at room temperature, and hospitals bring all corpses regardless of age of deceased to the (refrigerated) morgue fairly quickly because of this. The Cuddle Cot was invented to get around this physical reality of death for a little while.
6
In 1976 our son was still born at eight months. I did not know why he had died and I insisted on seeing him. He was floating in a steel bucket of my blood. His brain was outside of his skull. I was only able to touch him for a moment. Unfortunately my husband
was not there. Something like to cuddle cot would’ve helped us immensely. I was able to look at his survival in my body for eight months and see the miracle that it was. But my husband just lost a child and he didn’t understand and he was grieving horribly.
But I have learned something very important – – your baby is not gone forever. 40 years later my son appeared to me in a meditation. He showed me ways that he had interacted with me over the course of my life. Your baby soul is still with you even if their body is not. Know you will meet them again in many other loving interactions.
35
@Sunmuse
My deepest sympathies on the tragic loss of your son.
I thank you so for writing, and for your wisdom. You have shared what is so difficult to see or often even conceptualize in life, and in grief ...'the other side.' Your meditation is such a powerful testament.
These rare moments of transcendence -- I have been blessed with two -- are such a gift if / when they occur. Thank you for sharing yours.
12
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Really very sorry.
9
I am happy for this article and the discussion that has emerged. Despite some in the discussion exposing their severe anxiety about death and loss through less than empathic responses, it is clear that these matters apply to us all in one way or another. The American way of death has been criticized for its antiseptic, robotic and inhumane quality and these alternatives are so important in assisting the grieving process. Informed mental health practitioners are well aware that unmourned losses can contaminate future relationships and the "ghostly presence" of a still born child can haunt the nursery of future children. Painful as it may be for parents, relatives and onlookers, the grieving process is essential for us to not only move on in life but to thrive and re-create from the ashes of our cruel fortunes.
18
@Dr. Diane
As long as no-one would question the sincere desire to have the "making sure the deceased is not actually alive, counting fingers and toes, saying good-byes" process not take long enough to *require* extensive refrigeration, the Cot will be a useful tool. Some will use it, some won't.
At the point where it would become not just allowed but socially or medically compulsory for the sake of the grieving process to use the Cot, transport the corpse home, perambulate with the body, take pictures and ultimately post them to facebook and so on down the slippery slope-- it won't be all that healthy.
3
What a very interesting concept. It does sound like it makes the trauma of the loss a bit less sudden.... the parents can better 'plan' for how and when to let go.
My only question/concern however would be.... I wonder if there have been instances where the parents want to maintain their stillborn in the CuddleCot beyond a reasonable time...where it makes them Less able to let-go and accept reality?
12
@Lisa Possibly. But the parents who can't let go at that point likely would have had just as much emotional difficulty even if had they not been allowed to keep the baby for a while.
The Cuddle Cot seems to help nearly all parents.
15
@Lisa
the "reality" of death is for each of us to come to terms with--in our own way. Given the time, and good options (without the opinions of well-meaning, but ill-advised persons), we will be able to make the right choices.
There is no such thing as "letting go, and accepting reality". Reality in death is a personal thing. We are not following a graph of a timetable of grieving that somebody made up.
1
In the course of training as a hospital chaplain I had a request to help baptize a stillborn twin who had died a few days earlier. The other twin had been born alive but not well and the mother could not cope with decisions about the stillborn. I think she derived some comfort from a ritual honoring the dead child before releasing him. My neonatal training recommended creating memories and rituals around a lost child, and the hospital kept baby gowns for photographic purposes on the ward. A CuddleCot would have been wonderful.
34
@Gretchen Horlacher
Until I did a baptism for a still born child I never felt comfortable with the words of the liturgy: Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? Also it made me consider the question, what makes a life significant? No one had more significance than that child. There is a special place in heaven for the compassionate health care providers who comfort these families and don't interfere with the intimacy of death.
9
@Gretchen Horlacher There is a charity that makes "angel gowns" out of donated wedding gowns.
8
@MJM: Wow. This is wonderful!
4
My aunt lost a newborn while in the nursery in the 1950s. They told us it was flu from the “sand in Texas.” Air Force wives took all her baby things from the house, even those of her three living children. My uncle said no one could talk about it. About 6 years ago, my aunt’s seemingly healthy son died in his sleep of a heart condition. He was slim, ate oatmeal, a marathon runner, and shunned doctors, even after a car accident. It turns out he had a heart defect and the truth came out that the baby had a heart defect too. At least my remaining cousins finally have their family medical history.
19
@Susan:
Tragic, but sadly, typical for the time. Even through the 1980's, when it began to change for the better (see my previous post) it was an "uphill" battle. Most people did NOT want the mothers "Traumatized" by seeing and the holding the stillborn babies. They meant well, but it caused a lot of damage.
5
“When women find out that they’re pregnant, they immediately begin making plans for the baby,” Dr. Arghavani said.
Why? Why assume everything will go as planned? In some cultures, a baby isn't named until a month (or longer) after it is born, since the chances of it dying in utero or shortly thereafter are so high. If you know there's a possibility you'll lose the baby (and there's always a possibility you'll lose the baby), why not take that into account early?
People certainly are illogical sometimes.
5
What the heart hopes for is often not logical...but hope does prevail.
43
@dsundepp, it is perfectly "logical" to make plans for after the birth, because there is a lot to plan for. It's practical. When you go on vacation, do you wait until after the plane lands to make a hotel reservation and plan your visit, because, after all, the plane might not get there?
In any case, it's just human nature to get excited about the future. Perhaps a Vulcan could suppress that.
20
There is also the likelihood that you will lose your spouse, partner, other children, parents, siblings, friends.......so why bother
7
These cuddle cots are a god send, its not gross or disgusting.
We lost our son November 16th due to hospital neglect, we got offered a cuddle cot a quiet room ,I was extremely unwell after the birth and was in hospital for 8 days, I was so out of it due to medication and if I didn't have the use of a cuddle cot I'd have had to go to a mortuary to see my son,
When we started to heal a little we started to raise money for cuddle cots and we rasied enough to buy 5 and sent one to Orkney and Shetland isles as they had none, most hospitals in the uk have these and some have sound proof rooms for the family to stay in
Don't judge people why these use this amazing peice of equipment until you've lost a child you cannot judge
85
No, just no. To take a dead infant home for days at a time? And if you get someone who can't come to grips with the death and wants to keep it forever? No.
31
@themoi
As a hospital chaplain myself, I've never seen a case of a mother who wants to keep her dead baby forever. Quite the opposite actually. Given time with the baby after death, the mother processes the loss in ways that connect deeply with her psyche. I find that these women grieve easier and have a better relationship with their experience of loss than those who don't get to spend sufficient time with their baby.
61
@themoi
I think it's one of those things like abortion or gay marriage. If you don't like it don't do it.
For some people it would be tremendously therapeutic. I suspect there are also strict guidelines and social work support for the people who avail themselves of this option.
47
@themoi Before modern hospitals, and refrigeration, the dead were laid out in their homes for a couple of days, for visitation before burial.
Photographs were taken of the infants, children, often held by their mothers, and with other family members.
26
I had a miscarriage while vacationing in Canada forty-five years ago. The doctor who removed the amniotic sac from my body laid it on the table next to me, cut it open with his scissors, and revealed the most beautiful pink embryo.
I wish I knew the gender and why it failed to thrive. I wish I'd had the opportunity to bury it properly, rather than have it just disposed of, which probably happened. But I'm grateful I got to at least see what I had lost.
I think of it often, sometimes sadly, sometimes grateful that I at least got to say goodbye.
I'm glad we live in an era that is becoming more respectful women's grief when these tragedies happen. I was lucky to see my tiny developing baby, even so briefly, as I'm sure the evidence of a miscarriage is normally just whisked away.
58
Appreciate all of the kind and caring readers and commenters who share their own experience with losing a baby and offering support. On the other hand, there is another strain of comments which amply demonstrate man’s inhumanity to man. Gosh! Let’s strive to make gentle the life of this world, especially under circumstances I think we can all agree are ineffably sad. A little tenderness toward each other is more than warranted in these circumstances.
I think that this is just one of those instances in life that we all hope will never happen to us or to anyone we love. Unfortunately, it happens every day somewhere. If this can help, it should be on of the many resources available to all.
47
My wife and I were the parents of a stillborn in 1976. The baby ("corpse" according to our doctor) disappeared quickly. Just two years later we were divorced, most of the problem being our coping with our loss.
I wonder if a cuddle-cot would have helped the survival of our marriage. I feel it might.
66
@Bill
I believe the divorce rate for parents who have lost a child with "unresolved grief" is something like 90%.
My midwife said to me: "He's your baby, and you can do what you want." I didn't do everything that I wanted because I thought staff might think I was falling over the cliff. But I did do enough to make it right for us.
6
I pray that I'm never in the situation to even have to consider one of these. At first glance I want to say that its morbid, but clearly for those who have gone through this trauma, these things mean a lot.
23
I understand. I, too, lost a baby just 2 1/2 months before his due date. That was back in 1975. But I want to clarify something I think is in error about this article, Dr. Brody.
It was not because I had made plans. To the contrary, I had lost 3 pregnancy before him, although it was usually early on at between 2-3 months. I'm Rh negative and who knew? I don't remember ever being tested for blood type. Also Neural Tubes deformation runs in my mother's family line, but I never knew this until I wanted to expand my medical credentials and then I learned.
Here's the catch, I never planed ahead. I thought I was safe to bear a healthy child because it was past the time of the half-way mark. I had already had one child 6 years earlier, and I remembered I was no longer nauseous after the half way mark. So I could probably have another. But I had already learned not to plan ahead. I believed it was a jinx. So I waited for the half way mark because the doctor told me that would be safe.
We named him/her the night before I had to go to the doctor. The doctor found no heart beat, but I already knew the fetus had died. I suspected it for a couple of weeks.
It was born 1 month later. But I had never made any plans. I didn't even consider names much less clothes.
Now I know more but back then I believed I'd felt him leave. I never got to hold him. I was too imperfect to be his mother so he rejected me. That's how the mind works when you don't get to see, hold, and love a loss.
20
I’m so sorry. I didn’t plan for my baby either and then he was stillborn. I had had a previous miscarriage. I also knew when he died but kept pretending he was alive, even after no heartbeat was detected. That was in 1991. I also felt worthless because I was 42 years old and felt I shouldn’t have tried that late in life. I can’t help but be irritated by celebrities who give birth at age 50, even though I should be happy for them. The pain is deep.
21
@Susan
You have my sympathy too. We share this in common.
1
As with everything - moderation is key. I do believe that parents - if they wish, should have the chance to see, hold and mourn their stillborn children. Even a photo is not a bad idea (considering the Victorian penchant for death photos of loved ones).
But when you start encouraging days of interaction with a corpse - even a baby's - that goes beyond mourning - that's acting out denial and more than a little macabre. We are so terrified of death in this day and age yet none escape this world alive. Pretending your baby is alive and out for a stroll? Why not set it up in a high chair and try and feed it? I don't mean to sound cruel, but a big part of mourning and recovery is accepting death as fact. You can't pretend your child back to life, no matter how much you desperately wish it. So mourn, feel, capture some immediate memories, but then - for your own sanity - say goodbye.
32
Have you experienced a stillbirth? I lost my son to stillbirth in 1991. I didn’t know what to expect, but they handed me my 24-week-old baby and let me hold him as long as I wanted. They took pictures for us. I can’t remember if this was discussed first. It was almost 28 years ago. Even so, for weeks I dreamt that he could be put back and live and, while awake, wished I could have kept him with me forever, even dead. Strange thoughts and wishes aren’t abnormal. Lectures about accepting death and references to Victorian practices are unfeeling and cruel in my opinion.
85
@Cgriff
Learn some empathy and compassion and listen to Susan.
46
@Cgriff I can't even imagine how painful it would be to walk a dead baby in a stroller. I think that the solution is to give the parents more time in the hospital to hold and be with their dead baby. It's not unlike sitting at a wake. Maybe all maternity wards should have a grieving suite where a family can take time to heal.
26
My wife and I lost twin girls at 20 weeks. Our initial reaction was that we didn't want to see them but the attending nurse insisted we hold them. She was right. The stillness and peacefulness of their tiny bodies provided me with solace on the saddest day of my life.
89
@JB, my husband and I lost twin boys at 23 weeks. I’m forever grateful to the staff for encouraging us to hold them and taking photos of them for us while I was in the ICU. Holding them was the most incredible beautiful moments of peace I was given in the throes of our sudden and life shattering loss. I think doing these things helps you know what you lost, honor the moments you create with them, and have something to hold onto when processing your loss.
My heart is with you and your wife. This is such a difficult and lifelong burden to carry.
Mammals of many types (whales, elephants, chimps, apes) mourn their losses. How much more emotionally complex are humans? We should provide tools for grief and let each person choose.
44
Having the time to same goodbye is so important to families who experience stillbirth. We need to make a lifetime of memories with our child in only a few hours. Seeing and holding our baby girl helped my husband me start our grieving process. We are so thankful to have photos, footprints, and other momentos to take home with us. We wish we had more. Of course, we would much rather have taken home a living baby. In addition to caring for bereaved parents, we also need more research to find out how to prevent stillbirths from occurring. We can't prevent them all, but we can prevent more. Other countries like the UK have reduced their stillbirth rate by encouraging moms to pay more attention to fetal movement and to sleep on their side. Organizations like Star Legacy Foundation are focused on both supporting parents and research efforts. It has been such a helpful resource to me both after my loss, during my pregnancies after loss, and as I learn to parent after loss.
14
No judgment here, just genuinely curious about the desire to take a deceased baby on walks. How do you then answer when someone comes over to look at the baby? I have never been in this position, and I can understand wanting to have more time with one's child in a private setting, but why out in public, where parents will no doubt be faced with alarmed onlookers?
38
They don’t need to poke their noses in the carriage. If they do, tell them the truth. Someone else said that we used to keep departed loved ones at home and receive visitors. Many of you are saying death is part of life.
6
Got to admit, if I walked over to say hi to a baby in a carriage and it was dead, I'd call the cops right away.
5
@Susan But what would a parent get from taking the baby on a walk, fielding questions from people, who will understandably be disturbed? I wonder if anyone who uses these cots actually does this. It seems like bringing a dead baby to the park in a stroller would simply be traumatic for parents and the public alike, and not achieve the intended goal, which is to grieve privately. Would anyone take a deceased adult out in a wheelchair?
1
Nobody is saying parents have to use the CuddleCot. It should be presented as an option. Some people want to see and spend time with a deceased love one and some do not. However, taking a dead baby home is most likely illegal in NY. When my mother died at home, a policeman stayed in his car on our driveway until the funeral home came to take her. I appreciated the time I had to spend with her before they came. My brother quickly left the house.
I am surprised at all the animosity over this, since most people embalm their loved ones' bodies and display them, sometimes with their eye glasses on, for all to see. This is not really that different.
32
I usually find the open casket at wakes and funerals disgusting, although I keep that to myself. It’s not the dead person, it’s the “art of embalming” that gets me. I have sat at the bedside of a very recently deceased friend and felt her final stillness. It was good and healing to see her at peace after a long, ugly and bitter illness. This approach to stillbirth grieving seems natural and kind. Not creepy at all.
6
It happened to us 24 years ago.
Luckily the hospital in Minneapolis was up to speed with stillborn grief. Thank God we were given time to hold our baby and grieve. This is a really healing concept.
25
@Woman’s Intuition
Thank you for this article.
22 years ago, I was met with so much compassion at my rural Iowa hospital. We held our baby boy for as long as we wanted. The undertaker gave us a huge discount for the cremation.
A kind nurse gave me a small cloth bag, complete with pictures, his hospital bracelet and footprints. Our doctor had tears in his eyes. My sister said I'm coming to Iowa for my next baby! So much compassion in this world.
31
I gave birth to my deceased son in Fairview Hospital in Minneapolis Minnesota in 1991. I believe Minnesota is the best place for health care.
4
This is plain weird.
20
@David
Take a walk in someone else's shoes.... also known as empathy, compassion and being bigger than just yourself.
49
@David
It won't be if this this ever happens to you. It will be a gift. I speak from experience.
30
I think some of the disconnect between some commenters saying these are a great device and other commenters saying they are creepy can be found in this sentence: " The device gives parents a chance to bond with their babies — to love and hold them, take pictures, even take them home and take them for walks, creating memories to last a lifetime." To be allowed to hold your baby, take pictures, have your baby baptized, etc. for 8 hours (or so), seems like a true blessing. On the other hand, to take your baby home and take him/her for walks in a stroller seems grotesque.
40
I was picturing more like holding them against your body as you walk in the woods or something. I’m sure this is not a super common thing. That said, I can imagine several reasons this would be a lovely option.
1) When I’m processing something emotionally I find walking very helpful
2) Walking and rocking a baby is such a soothing thing for mom and baby. I can’t imagine anyone more in need of soothing.
3) I can imagine wanting to take my baby outside - to have the sun on its skin and the air in its face, rather than just having its entire time in a hospital and a morgue.
Sure, maybe there’s someone who would strap their dead baby in an umbrella stroller and take it down a city block under the the curious gazes of strangers - but do we need to legislate around everything where there’s a tiny risk, or can we just trust most families to find what works for them in a private and appropriate way?
29
@Confused
I have had an experience to benefit from such a device.
Forget about "taking the baby for walks" for a second and try to imagine trying to say goodbye to your child, whom you have never met, in a hospital setting, with doctors and nurses walking in, taking vitals signs, taking your newborn in and out of a morgue, and wanting to look at your crotch at intervals and talk about your vaginal bleeding, overhead announcements of fire alarms, other newborn crying. (that was the worst part) Now imagine the same experience in sanctuary of your own home, surrounded by family members of your choice, with peace and quiet. It is possible to construct a healing space in a hospital, but it is generally short lived, and NOT THE SAME. Now do you understand why parents would want to take their decease child home for the ONLY TIME they will EVER get to spend with them?
43
@Confused
Well, you're right that we don't need a "device" to bond with our dead baby. I think a "refrigerated" cot is unnecessary.
What is necessary: empathy, compassion, and intelligence to help the parents make good decisions for their well-being. They've only got that one chance, right there in the present to get it right.
1
Our first child died at one day from diaphragmatic hernia. We were allowed to hold and be with him for hours after death. That was such a meaningful experience.
You grieve your baby and you grieve the future that you are not allowed to have.
36
The faster you get rid of the body, the faster you start the healing process. This is plain gross.
13
@Ryan
No. People mourn for years without the kind of closure (I know it's become a hated word) that his offers those who want to use it. I speak from experience.
40
@Ryan
My mother was forever telling me, "It's not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it that is important."
While I appreciate the sentiment, I am deeply taken aback by such harsh and cold words. Where has the empathy, the compassion, and the kindness gone?
41
@Ryan
A death in the family is different than cleaning the house.
The depth of inhumanity in your comment is impressive.
Counseling is available.
56
Here in New Orleans some folks have a history of posing their dead. Not for everyone I'm sure but if it helps the mourning process who are we to judge...
https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/9kmqy7/inside-new-orleans-extreme-embalming-funerals
5
I find this to be macabre. Even horrific.
17
@Sneeral
Spoken like someone who doesn't understand the pain of human loss.
Sad.
28
@Sneeral Then don't do it.
3
@Sneeral What is more horrific, imo, are the sterile lives people must lead in order to so comfortably cast judgment on the healing process of others.
7
I can understand wanting to hold the stillborn baby and even wanting to have pictures of him or her. But the idea of putting it in a stroller and taking it for a walk is sick and creepy. Call me judgmental, whatever, but it's still sick and creepy.
42
@Roberta Rick Santorum, the PA politician, and his wife had a stillborn child. Even though PA has a law against taking home a dead infant, he and his wife did (because his wife's father was a doctor at the hospital where the child was delivered) and had their living children pose for photos with the dead child. That is grotesque and IMO child abuse -- of the living kids -- who were forced to hold and pose with the corpse.
These were young children and I wonder what kind of emotional scars they bear from this experience at a young age.
This is not a "story" -- it was revealed years ago in an article about him in a well-known Philadelphia publication.
If the parents want to hold the dead baby -- fine -- but don't compel the other children to hold or pose with the corpse.
14
There's that scene in the movie "Roma" where the baby is born stillborn and the mother has maybe 30 seconds to hold her dead child before it is whisked away and put in a little bag. Its an achingly sad scene.
12
some have interpreted my previous comment as uncaring, so please let me clarify:
I advocate family members-parents, siblings, grandparents-anyone the family wishes - to spend time with the stillborn child. I advocate memory making such as taking pictures, locks of hair, foot and hand prints. I advocate child life specialists working with siblings, cousins, friends -whatever the family wishes. I advocate ongoing bereavement care and family support groups. I acknowledge that there is no “right “ way to grieve.
I do not advocate taking a dead stillborn home for walks in a carriage. Please think of all the implications: should every baby who dies in a neonatal intensive care unit go home for walks? how about a 3 year old who has died, an adolescent, what about grandma for that matter?
Grief and memory are in the heart and mind-nurture that, do not fetishize a corpse. sorry, a dead body is a corpse.
I do wish healing to all bereaved.
note: cuddlecots are a product developed by funeral homes—notorious for taking money from the grieving when they are most vulnerable.
27
Not all products from a funeral home are exploitive. What would we do without them? My family enjoyed picking out a coffin for my dad. We were together.
5
@honeybluestar:
Yes, I'll never forget the funeral home director talking my mother in law into a "better class" of coffin, because "you don't want the bugs to get to him"....this was a man who died at age 56 of cancer and left 5 kids and no money....
3
I have never been called upon to suffer such an egregious loss as the loss of a child, however as one who has suffered other serious losses I can say this.
Never judge how another grieves. As you age you will be quite surprised to learn that your grief can take many, many different forms, each one of them valid and unique to you. You yourself will grieve differently for each of your losses, depending on the circumstances.
I once worked on a hospice team where the word "denial" was bandied about quite a bit. I really didn't examine this term, much less consider that I would ever demonstrate it, until it was necessary for me to go into a form of so-called "denial" in order to survive a terrible loss. That is what I needed and that is what I had to do.
No one but no one is entitled to judge--not a doctor, not a psychologist and not even a hospice worker.
No one.
I am going to look into making a donation for this type of equipment.
49
@TM
It is so needed. As someone whose baby died very unexpectedly, I so wish we had access to one. Now our hospital does because we donated a CuddleCot. We only had four hours with our baby, for the rest of our lives. It’s very hard to live with. All future loss families thank you for this.
17
@Dana I'm so sorry about your baby. My baby died at 40 weeks (more than) too. May I ask: WHy did you only have four hours? Was there a reason?
My second daughter Rachel was stillborn 40 years ago, so I found this article very interesting. I do wish the final note about trying to get pregnant again had been left out. One of the worst and least helpful comments people made after my loss was that I could always have another child. There is no other child that can take the place of the one lost. It isn’t always possible to have another child even if one is wanted. I did have another child three years later, but to suggest that she replaced or ameliorated the agony of Rachel’s loss is simply wrong. Whether a new parent chooses to use a cuddle cot is obviously a very personal decision. The implicit assumption that they will want or have another child is yet another misunderstanding of the affect such a loss can have. To end the article with such an assumption is unhelpful, at the very least.
41
The CuddleCot should be required equipment at every hospital.
And there's no reason this item should be reliant on donors.
That's just barbaric...like much of the American healthcare system.
24
@Socrates I will disagree only because I suspect a hospital would have trouble charging for a donated item versus an expensive piece of equipment.
8
@Socrates:
in reality, SOMEONE has to pay for it
1
Surely the parents who have suffered the most devastating loss imaginable are in the best position to know what they need to do next. Some will want to spend more time with their deceased child; others will not.
Those who have never been in this position can surely find more productive (and charitable) uses of their time than second-guessing what others "should" do.
61
@alexander hamilton
I agree 1000%! I would hope compassion rather than criticism and comfort rather than cynicism would be what is most needed to any parent who suffered such a devastating loss.
18
Just reading this article, brought tears to my eyes. A very novel program to help parents grieve. Without that they would not get over their loss. Time is the best healer in these cases. Thanks for the article.
19
Labor and delivery still release hormones and emotions, even during a stillbirth or miscarriage. A miscarriage, even a relatively early one, can feel like labor. It's our most powerful instinct, after going through labor and delivery, to be ready to touch, kiss and love a baby. These overwhelming physical and emotional reactions - to love, touch and look at what we've delivered - still take place even when we "just" miscarry. It's not something every mother talks about.
It seems like the cuddle cot could be a good way to experience these feelings as long as it is paired with help from someone trained to help families through this painful transition.
20
@Todd Fox I can assure you miscarriage does not feel ANYTHING like giving birth to a baby who has died. I've done both. Not. Even. Close.
A coworker of mine lost her baby girl at 18 weeks (a few years ago). It was devastating for her and her husband. She says that being able to spend a couple hours at the hospital with her was very healing -- the physical closeness. When I shared this article with her, she was grateful to learn of the CuddleCot. For her, having more time with her baby would have been extremely therapeutic. We should give that option to all parents of stillborn children. Our society's dysfunctional relationship with death -- always wanting it out of sight, out of mind -- clouds many people's judgement when it comes to the mourning process.
31
“When they lose that baby, it’s like someone stole their dreams. The loss of an unborn child can be just as heart-wrenching as the loss of a born child.”
I believe in my heart that paragraph described what my mother felt. She was in her early twenties when she lost her first two babies - the first was stillborn and the second died shortly after she gave birth. This was back in the 1930s.
Even she rarely talked about them or how she felt and dealt with that double painful blow, I saw how bothered and haunted as well as melancholy and withdrawn she became every July (when both babies were born and died). There is a tombstone next to her grave with just the name of BABY and her last name. She would take me with her to visit their grave every year. Her beautiful face with such soft skin told me everything I needed to know - that she would always carry that emptiness and loss with her.
I cannot image her world back then, especially with her own mother dying only a decade prior. She had no women pals or relatives to reach out to. My dad was not the kind of person to offer emotional or emphatic support. He was one cold and mysterious fish.
I don't think the CuddleCot maybe for every couple who experienced a stillbirth but what is important is that an option exists for that couple who may want or need it. Anything that could help a couple with their grief is a positive in my book.
50
Our child’s heart stopped beating at 20 weeks gestation - sudden, devastating, shocking news. I had been feeling her fluttering kicks for weeks. After delivery our compassionate nurses said they could bring her back in to me. I was afraid but they knew to give me time to decide, assuring it might be helpful to see and hold her. Shortly later when I was emotionally ready, they brought her to me wrapped in a small blanket and tiny newborn cap, encourging us to unwrap her, look at her, touch her, love her. It gave us the opportunity to process her brief reality, and her death. A beautiful, though deeply sad hour with her, and so I asked to see her again a few hours later. I was gently told that she wouldn’t look the same and with much care suggested that I not see her another time. I am still so immensly grateful for the compassion of those maternity nurses in our small hospital who had the knowledge and skills to treat stillborn babies and their parents in this way. For some parents who need time to decide if they wish to see and hold their deceased child, a cuddledot would make that possible. I still endured months of depression and ptsd after loosing her as I tried to ‘move on’ in life while inside I was so sad. I can’t imagine how I might have been even further silently impaired if I had not had the brief opportunity to see and hold her. Thank you Jane Brody and shame on the “pediatrician” who so coldly dismisses the psychology of grief for a stillborn child.
64
My sister had a stillborn baby, and even though she and her husband were able to spend time with him before he was prepared for burial, she is still grieving. I can't tell you the number of times I heard her start a sentence with, "If John were alive …."
That baby died decades ago. If more time with his body had helped his parents overcome their loss, how can it be bad?
26
I see young men the age of my John and wonder what life would be like if he were alive.
12
There’s a slippery slope here. What’s to keep society from creating a bigger model so we can take Grandma home for a few days? I’m truly sorry people lose their babies, truly, but someone gets to says this is macabre. If it did not involve something as sweet as newborns, it would sound like something out of a Stephen King novel. I think these refrigerators should come with a gift certificate to a therapist specializing in grief.
40
@Observer. Is this your greatest concern, that parents might spend time with a deceased loved one? I believe not long ago we would put grandma on the kitchen table, wash her, and dress her, and sit with her.. sometimes for days. Emotional closure is a real thing and different for each of us. Perhaps it’s just our issues surrounding death that are the problem.
31
But we DO get the option of ample time with grandma!!!
First, we get to see her and hang out with her before she dies - babies are not visible till they come out. Also, adult bodies are often kept in the house for a while while friends and relatives troop through to say goodbyes (Google “wake” if you have not heard of such a thing), and buried in open caskets. If you want to keep her fresh for weeks or years, embalming does that. You can still go look at Lenin who is still looking pretty fresh, I’m told.
Why is is macabre to offer a similar thing to the parents of newborns?
28
@Observer Indeed. Or an Alice Cooper song, one of which, Cold Ethel, is running rampant through my head at this very moment.
2
I seem to recall that former Senator and Presidential candidate Rick Santorum brought home a still born child, and the general opinion was it was a weird.thing to do.
22
Aren't there laws regarding the handling of a dead body? Thus, the second paragraph's reference to "taken them home and take them for walks" was surprising to me. I have heard of a body being at home for a limited time but never "taken for walks".
36
I can’t imagine why we need to legislate this, or enforce them in these cases. Those laws exist so that we have something to prosecute a stranger who desecrates a corpse, not so we can interfere with the grieving process of a young family. Or, as reported earlier, incarcerate a panicked teenage birth mother.
Though apparently some, many of whom cry a lot of crocodile tears about the importance of freedom, seem not to agree.
8
@T I can just imagine the neighbors' reactions: "Oh, you've had your baby! Let me take a look..."
14
“Let me” is the opportunity to explain or say no. Who cares what the neighbors think? This was a life to us.
6
For those with such strong opinions about proper grieving and cuddlecots being inappropriate. If you haven’t lost a baby, you have no way of knowing what you would do. I didn’t. It is unimaginable. After my daughter’s heart stopped beating at 38 weeks, I was thrown into making choices. Choices no one wants to make. Do you want to hold the baby? Have you thought about a funeral? Do you want an autopsy? I was horrified at the idea of seeing my daughter’s lifeless body. No one wants to see their child like that! The pain, you will never know! It doesn’t go away no matter how you say goodbye. All I know is there was no way I wasn’t going to hold my baby girl as scared as I was. I couldn’t just send her away without ever being held by her mother. She was STILL my baby girl! She was STILL loved! She STILL is! I wasn’t lucky enough to have a cuddle cot. I had a very brief time to look down at my daughter’s beautiful little face before she started peeling away. Our time was cut short. I will always struggle with that. I only have 2 photos to last me a lifetime. Those of you commenting about photos,we don’t take photos of deseased relatives because we have photos of them living. Photos are all we have. In the grand scheme of things Are you really these people? People emotionally unattached and insensitive enough to shame grieving parents for how they say goodbye to their babies that have died? That is actually what is disturbing in my eyes.
150
I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother had a brother who died at or just before birth and she remembered this loss always. Just because he had died didn't mean she hadn't had a brother.
I appreciate that you helped us to understand why this is a situation that is unique, why the photos are so important, and how the time available to hold your baby is actually so extremely short that a grieving parent would benefit from a little more. You articulated why the cuddle cot is a good thing in a way the article didn't. I think you helped others by helping us understand why this should be an option. Thank you.
27
Hospitals routinely charge 40,000$ (or more) for a delivery. Their CEOs earn gazillion dollar salaries. But CuddleCots have to be donated?
140
@Beth Good point. And really, they aren't necessary to spend time with the baby who died. I spent three days with my full term baby who died many years ago. No cooling device needed. Just love and enough courage to tell medical staff what I was going to do without being intimidated by their pressures to leave the hospital.
A person has no way of knowing how he or she will react when the unthinkable happens, so no matter how you think you would feel, it's only conjecture.
To those who have experienced the loss of a baby and are passing negative judgment: If you had the option of using a CuddleCot and preferred not to - fine. If that option wasn't available to you, you don't know for sure how you would have decided to behave. The presence of the CuddleCot would have given you time to ponder.
I'm thinking of an episode of POV that I watched on PBS years ago about the practice of keeping our deceased loved ones at home with us prior to burial versus using a funeral home and embalming (as in pre-Civil War days). According to many experts, this greatly aids the grieving process. I think there might be some correlation in outcomes between the two practices.
To all who have lost babies, my sincere condolences.
37
It’s one thing to not understand why a grieving parent would want to use a cuddlecot, but it’s entirely different to judge and make insensitive comments about parents wanting to spend a little more time with their babies before saying goodbye. There are some terrible comments on here- THIS is why so many parents grieve in silence. Grieving in silence and treating stillbirth and death as a taboo subjects are hurting the bereaved. I’ve connected with MANY parents of stillborn babies and every single one of them are grateful for the time they had with their babies. Be thankful you don’t know this pain.
76
@Lori, My black lab, which we loved, was put down. It hurt like losing well, not a child but let's call it, significantly. When he was finally gone, he was gone and their was no need to stay any longer. This is CuddleCot idea is just plain disturbing.
5
Why is it disturbing? You had time with your dog. We we deprived of our time with our babies. Losing a pet hurts too, I know.
11
Comparing your old Labrador to a stillborn infant is beyond disturbing, no matter how much you loved your canine. A child, who moved and their mother knew and loved, even unseen, can never be compared to your *dog.*
16
I have lost a baby at 22 weeks. I prefer to remember the hopeful time of being pregnant and the fantasy of life with that child. I would hate to have my last memory of them being not alive, so clearly never alive and so sad that the was the end.
The same things strikes me when people have passed away to see them propped up in their coffin. So clearly not alive. I prefer to remember people the way they were. I don't understand why anyone wants to view their loved one in that state.
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You don’t have to understand it; you should respect it though.
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I think there’s a difference between not being able to feel like you could ever feel that way, and not being able to understand that others might feel different than you in a similar situation.
The former is very human, the second is a failure of empathetic imagination.
I know that if my babies had died, it would have been so important for me to see them. I can completely understand why someone else would feel differently, but that is why options should be available.
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As I have never had the horror and misfortune of having to deal with a stillborn child I will fully acknowledge I many not entirely grasp what someone is going through, but to me this just seems morbid and perhaps not entirely helping for the healing process.
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Gratefully I have never experienced this either, but what I can imagine, and maybe you can to, is that this infant that had been so dreamed about, wondered about, marveled over, anticipated and planned for is suddenly gone, never to be, as though they never existed. It must be overwhelming to process because unlike your grandma or uncle or whomever who might pass away, you’ve never gotten to actually meet or see this person.
And I’m going to guess by your name choice, you are a man, and have never felt the wonder of having a living person growing inside you, where you can feel their kicks, hiccups, and such. Such is the intimacy of carrying a child.
I can’t imagine the depths of that grief, but knowing how much I love my two children who are now grown, I too would’ve traded heaven and earth to spend just another minute with them if that had been me.
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I know science is suspect these days. But in the end it boils down to answering this question by talking to real humans who have actually been through this. Seeing what options were available to them and what they chose and then seeing how they are doing.
It’s weird, but it actually has lead to a lot of wonderful improvements in society vs just making all the decisions by gut feel of one individual as expressed in NYT comments.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't tell you what reading this article meant to me and does for my mood. I love to read of our children, those of bereaved parents, as remembered, thought about, and written about. Our son, Oliver Patrick died on April 5th, 2018 at 37 weeks gestation from complications of preeclampsia. I delivered him after 17 hours of labor on April 6th, 2018. He was almost 6 pounds and 21 inches long and so beautiful. He is our first child. The cuddle cot helped us to spend 10.5 hours with him. As a result, we knew we wanted to donate one to a local hospital who doesn't yet have one. On April 5th, the one year anniversary, we are donating it to Auburn Community Hospital in Auburn, New York.
The pain and grief is overwhelming and exhausting. Reading an article like this validates that we are not alone, that our feelings are worthy, and that our love for our son is and will be everlasting. Thank you, again. Kerry and Steve - Oliver's parents.
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Thank you, Kerry Goessling.
You are brave to share your story about Oliver.
And for what little it may be worth, strangers share in your grief and loss.
You are not alone.
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@Kerry Goessling I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad the cuddle cot enabled you to spend time with your beautiful baby. Thirty-eight years ago, my full-term son was born with a congenital heart defect and died when he was four days old. I was fortunate to be able to hold him in his last hours. I didn't know how I would ever recover. To this day, I still grieve his loss. I will say, the pain gets a bit easier to bear with time. But it never goes away. Please know that others share your ache, having experienced it first hand.
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@Kerry Goessling
Kerry, my mother, sister and I were so sad to read of the loss of your baby Oliver. My sister said she wishes she could come back to CNY and give you a big hug. I would do the same from Honolulu.
We are from Auburn, NY—I was born at the hospital where you are making your thoughtful donation. Thank you so much for this and for sharing your story. I hope you find healing through your lovely act of helping others facing a similar tragedy.
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Jane, thank you for this article. Emily and Chris, thank you for your participation in the article and for your wonderfully kind donation after the loss of your babies Sybil and Sylas. I was not able to have children but this article immediately moved me to tears possibly in the memory of my little brother Gregory who was born with a severe cleft palette, who endured many surgeries only to die of leukemia at 4. I pray for you, for the other parents and will look into the availability of Cuddle Cots at hospitals in my area. Thank you again and may God comfort and bless you, Jennifer
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This is Chris, the father of Sylas and Sybil mentioned in the article. I want to first thank every one that has commented with support. Grieving the loss of your child, or in our case, children, is something that I wish no parent ever experienced and quite frankly, something I wish I never had to experience. So I thought I would personalize this a little. For us, the Cuddle Cot meant that our families were still able to hold their niece & nephew, grandchildren, and cousins. It meant that Emily and I could spend as much time as we wanted and needed comparing their facial features to one another, seeing who had whose nose, ears, etc. We chose to spend about 12 hours with them after their passing, which was only about 90 minutes after they were born. While we didn't utilize the Cuddle Cot to take them for a walk or take them home, if that helps a grieving parent, who is to say otherwise? Some people have a lifetime with their children. I did too: my children's lifetime. Without the Cuddle Cot, I would have maybe only had those 90 minutes and the remainder of our families, who happened to be literally every member within driving distance, would have never even seen them. The hardest thing to do is say goodbye to your child. Within a day, my entire world crashed right in front of me. The least I should be afforded is the opportunity to say goodbye properly. The Cuddle Cot provided that opportunity. We have made our second donation, and if it helps even one family, I'm proud.
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@Chris
My condolences to you and Emily. I'm glad that you and your family were able to use this product/service to make what I'm sure was the worst experience of your lives even slightly better. I know your gift––through your story here, as well as the donation of additional Cuddle Cots for other parents in the same awful situation––will make a difference for many others.
As I've said below, I also appreciate that others might consider this option inconceivable. But surely that doesn't mean that we should judge what others are doing––which in some cultures is less unusual than in the US––to salve their pain, and perform a ritual that brings ease to the parents and extended family?
Can 't we just say "that isn't for me," without suggesting that those who did take comfort from more time with their lost children through this vehicle are somehow wrong or bad.
Again, my heartfelt sympathies.
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@mc Thank you for the condolences. I agree. It may not be for everyone, and by no means did our wonderful nurse push it on us. She stated that it was available if we wanted it. The purpose of our donations is to provide that option to other grieving families, which isn't readily available at many hospitals across the country. I appreciate the kind words.
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So sorry for your loss. And you are spot on. If something helps a bereaved parent, what else could matter?
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the custom of taking photos of the dead, and even posing by them or their caskets still seems to be active in regions of the south. my brother in law was a newspaper photographer, but he made extra money by taking photos at wakes and home funerals. at one time, in the early days of photography, this may have been the only photo or remembrance of a child that died young, or a parent who passed suddenly. grieving for a dead child is a horrible event, and it isn't like having a parakeet that died. the first time i heard about something like this was a couple whose child was born but died within a few hours. they dressed her and took photos of her in a hospital bed. it gave them something, since they couldn't have a lifetime of memories. grief is hard enough. judging how someone grieves is harsh and unkind.
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@bronxbee: The daguerreotype, the earliest photographic process, came to the US around 1840. There are numerous examples of "post mortem" photographs from that early period of deceased children being held by parents, or siblings, as well as images of older children and adults, old and young which were taken so families would have a lasting memory of a deceased loved one. The technology changed and improved and continued into the 20th century for sure.
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I lost a set of twins, within one week of their birth. I never held either. I was young, that was my choice at that point of time. But this seems too morbid, what is the benefit to keep a corpse?
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You’re not keeping the body! You’re spending a little time with it. Humans have done this for millennia - engaging in elaborate funeral rites to say goodbye and celebrate the deceased. Wakes are absolutely a thing, as are open caskets.
It’s only recently that people have started whisking away the bodies to a morgue and cremation, and it reflects (and maybe creates?) a deep discomfort with death. And that’s fine - we don’t all need to do this the same way, but it doesn’t mean that a different attitide or decision is morbid or unnatural - it’s deeply personal.
That said, I’m so, so sorry for your loss.
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On January 17, 1961 my son was stillborn after a full term pregnancy. The doctors did not let me hold or even see my baby and I still mourn him. They had the belief then that it was more kind to ‘spare’ the mother but it was impossibly cruel. I had been in labor for hours then an emergency cesarian and in no shape to really argue - plus at the time I was a timid 19 year old woman. If anyone would pull that on me now they would get the full force of my fury. It’s wonderful that times have changed and parents are allowed to see, hold, memorialize their dead infants and grieve the loss on their own timetable. It’s bad enough to have to go home and put away the crib and baby clothes, formula, toys ... but to have the baby totally discounted as Sharon said (no birth or death certificate issued) is unconscionable. I hope that this last error in judgement has been corrected. And shame on honeybluestar for criticizing something that others have found to be helpful. Just because you are a doctor does not make you omniscient and just as times have changed since 1961 (and before) things are changing all the time - for the better.
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@A Reader I am so sory for your loss of your son. My daughter, also a full-term pregnancy, died on August 10th, and I cannot imagine never seeing her. She was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen and it was so lovely holding her skin-to-skin. We only had four hours with her, because she decayed quickly (didn't have any blood in her, as she hemorrhaged into me prior to going into labor). I so wish we had a CuddleCot. We did not get a birth certificate - only a death certificate, which was upsetting.
My cousin's MIL had a full-term loss back in the 60s too, in Australia. She said they took her daughter away before they could see and hold her. It pains me to think of how cruel doctors were to mothers. I am so sorry they did that to you and your son.
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My child was stillborn in 1984. I did get to see her and hold her, but what bothers me still is that there was neither a birth certificate nor a death certificate....as if nothing had happened.
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@Sharon I am so sorry for the death of your daughter. It's horrific. Fast forward to 2018 - we filled out a death certificate, but never received a birth or death certificate either. It's heartbreaking. As if we did not give birth.
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@Dana - you absolutely can and should be able to get a birth certificate. I think California passed a law about a decade ago. I'd google stillborn birth certificate California. I'm so sorry.
as a pediatrician and palliative care doctor I find this advertisement for an expensive and unnecessary piece of equipment despicable. parents at any decent hospital now are given hours to say goodbye to their child. treating a dead child as alive makes no sense and I hypothesize if studied would show it does more harm than good. Jane Brody: shame on you.
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@honeybluestar, as an epidemiologist, a mother that unfortunately had a stillbirth at 37 weeks and a parent who donated a CuddleCot to our local hospital, I respectfully disagree. While every parent is different and grief is personally so unique to the individual, I think the goal here is to allow the parent the choice to be with their child for as long as they need and are able to. While I support your views to investigate the effects of these devices on the parents, I would also invite you to join many of the support groups online or in-person for parents who had to suffer a stillbirth and their views on this before shaming the author. Its only fair to test the hypothesis before calling it meritless.
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@honeybluestar and @mary
I don't see anywhere in the article, the comments, or the medical literature, that people are suggesting we should pretend a deceased baby is alive or be anything BUT respectful of the body.
A cooling cot--whether it is this device or the dry ice cooling used by families that want a home burial of a loved one--simply buys time for families to say goodbye. Stillbirth and early infant deaths are typically sudden and traumatic--unlike older children or adults, there is rarely an opportunity for anticipatory grief and the risk for complicated or prolonged grief is much higher with these traumatic losses. Slowing down the process to allow more time for coping and closure is healthy for families--something which has been demonstrated in literally dozens of research articles. The loss literature emphasizes the need for respectful and nonjudgmental bereavement care--this is true in palliative care as well. The Lancet has published two excellent series on stillbirth (2011 and 2016) which summarize global research on this topic.
While I understand that this approach may not be right for all families, please be mindful that everyone grieves differently, that we should never judge parents who have just lost a child, and the research falls squarely behind those that opt to have more time to say farewell.
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@honeybluestar it’s unfortunate that you call a cuddle cot “despicable” - obviously you have never experienced a stillbirth or death of your baby. Ignorance is bliss.
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So timely this piece. A good friend's daughter and partner, preparing for the happiest moment of their lives, parenthood, recently lost twin-daughters just several weeks before their arrival. How cruel life can be. I shall send this fine article to the grieving relatives so that they may share it with those about them...and help with the healing to understand they are not alone in their shock and deep sadness. Many friends caught up in the shock of such happenings are at a loss in finding ways to contribute to the healing process of families visited by this terrible dilemma. The detail and anecdotes in this courageous article will hopefully contribute to their healing.
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Hi everyone, this subject is a very delicate one for all of us that have lost a child or baby. I was carrying twins sadly one of my twins died in the womb, at 28weeks the other I gave birth to at 37weeks by c-section. I had all type of emotion going on. I was never given the opportunity to see my other baby, I only got to see my son that was alive. I know it was a girl but that is all I knew. Before I had them i had a daughter that lived for 13 days then sadly passed, I have to say the hospital was very good they let me have the time i needed with her, i sat with her for 5hours but I didn't get any photos of her. And at the time me and my partner had split up. So I had to deal with it on my own. I wasnt offer any help with concilling . I was only 17years old , I had to deal with the funeral and I flowers to top it off my grief.
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That was a tough time. I’m so sorry.
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Speaking as a mother who's child was born sleeping. I think this device is a great idea. What I would give to have more time with my daughter. We were told to take as much time as we needed to be with our daughter. It was evident only a few hours later that her tiny little body was not capeable of much. Obviously right. If my hospital had one of these everyone that visited us would have been able to hold their niece. We had to ask that no one touch her. I mean I can only assume that the box would have preserved her body long enough that she would be held by the ones that loved her. Unfortunately it was only weeks after the birth of my sleeping daughter that I had become aware of this device. I truly believe that everyone deserves to hold and spend time with their child, and the fact that this device allows that is awsome.
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I wish my friends had had access to a Cuddle Cot when they lost their full-term baby. As it was they had only a few hours. After discovering the lack of heartbeat, the OB practice recommended they go home and process the loss for 24 hours before being induced. 24 hours! After a few hours they went back and insisted on induction immediately because they knew they wanted to see the baby as soon as possible. They have almost no pictures. So terribly sad.
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To those of you who criticize choices of grieving parents: When a baby is stillborn or dies shortly after birth, there is only a brief time period for families to make memories. If your grandparent dies, you likely have lots of photos and stories to tangibly remember them. But if your child dies a few days before your due date, you have nothing. No one got to meet the baby, and parents leave the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart. It can take years to recover.
Bereavement care has evolved over decades. In the 1960s, parents were advised not to see or hold their deceased babies and the infants were whisked away immediately after birth. This practice gradually changed starting in the 1970s when pioneers like Irving Leon began talking about the psychological impact of perinatal loss and the importance and benefit of being able to bond and say good bye. There is now an enormous body of research which shows that having the option to see and hold your child is therapeutic and helpful to bereaved parents.
With a stillborn baby, there is no ability to go back and capture or redo the few hours or days after birth. Not every parent wants to take their deceased child home, but for some it may give a few more days and a private space to say goodbye and make memories. This short time is all they have left from a child they loved for months before it was born.
Katherine J Gold MD
University of Michigan
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@K Gold thank you for this. It’s all true, coming from someone who lost their baby at full-term, unexpectedly. I wouldn’t change the four hours we had with her, although I so wish we had longer, as our hospital did not have a CuddleCot at the time (until we donated one three months later).
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I completely understand the bonding but reading this about taking the dead baby home to take it for walks and photo opps seems macabre. I would check with a psychologist before going that far.
Otherwise I think it’s great.
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@C Rizzo I am a licensed therapist. And my baby died. Any decent therapist will say do what you need to do to process the grief and everyone grieves differently. It doesn’t make one way right or wrong, so do not judge. As long as it is not harming anyone else, including yourself, grieve and love away.
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@C Rizzo after my babies died (twins, one stillborn and one died in the NICU in a terrible accident with her central line) I did look back and wish I had somehow been able to bring their bodies home with me for a little while. Not to "take for walks" or somehow pretend they were alive, its just that the hospital has all the control in that situation, it almost feels like the babies belong to them. I don't need a psychologist to tell me it would not have been a crazy thing to want to say goodbye to them in the sanctuary of our and their family home, with family and not hospital staff. It is not a crazy thing not to want to put your newborn child in a hospital morgue. One article was published in the Oregonain some months after our loss that described nursing students in the same hospital where they were born handed a dead baby by their instructor "so they could see what a dead baby feels like" or something very disturbing like that. If myself and that babies could have been transported to our home after the deaths, I would have forgone all medical care that I was receiving NOT to have to be there, in the hospital, and spend the precious little time I had with them in a more healing space.
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For those of you talking about this not being healthy grieving - you've likely never lost a baby. So don't comment on something you've never experienced. I lost my baby at full-term. She bled out in me the night before I went into labor. I spent 9 months with her, and her room is completely decorated. Our hearts were broken when we found out she had died. Don't you dare try to tell us we are not "grieving healthy" for wanting to spend a few hours or days with our baby. That is the ONLY time we ever got with our babies. And we can never have it back. It was the best and worst moments of our life, holding her skin-to-skin. We cherish the pictures as my memory is blurred from being under anesthesia due to an emergency c-section. It's all healthy grieving. It's necessary. There should never be a rush. I cannot imagine spending my life wondering what she looked like. I already wish I had opened my daughter's eyes to see what they looked like.
Have some human decency before telling someone what they should or should not do. Just because YOU think you wouldn't want to look at your dead child doesn't means it's unhealthy grieving for those who actually have had their child die.
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@Dana
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm glad that you were able to experience the very little bit of closure you had. I hope those small memories continue to comfort you and your partner.
My deepest sympathies to all of you who've experienced such a devastating event.
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@mc Thank you for your kindness. It’s truly a horror I would not wish on anyone. We only had four hours with our daughter, four hours after an emergency c section where I couldn’t move. If only our hospital had a CuddleCot, it could have made a huge difference.
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@Dana Well put! I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter at 41 weeks in 2015. Finding out she had passed is the single worst thing I’ve ever gone through. Meeting her, holding her, reading and singing to her are my most cherished memories. I really wish people wouldn’t pass judgment or comment on things they know nothing about.
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“[W]e could spend as much time as we wanted with our babies.” That’s very important; there’s no rush to do anything. And that’s still not enough time.
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@Ed Yes, there is never ever enough time. Not even 50 years.
I understand the need to say goodbye, but take home a dead baby and keep it for days? Bond? Walk a carriage with a dead baby inside? This is not healthy grieving.
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@Aud, how did you grieve your dead baby? I imagine some people might think your approach was unhealthy, but if it worked for you then that's all that matters. I hope you have found peace.
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@Aud who are you to define healthy grieving? These are the only times we have to be and love with our babies. We have no other memories except of them inside our bellies. Everyone grieves differently, and we have only mere hours or a couple days to spend with our babies as our hopes and dreams for the future were smashed into pieces. Along with our hearts.
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@Aud Whoa, hold the phone. We have an expert here on how parents should grieve these sudden, horrific losses. “Healthy” grieving is defined by no one else but the bereaved. Sounds like you need a dose of empathy and compassion!
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Oh wow.....I find this whole idea grizzly. I understand the need to see and interact with the deceased child briefly after birth but take them out for a walk?! Take pictures? I find this all just distasteful on every level.
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@Alistair, so you have no regret about not having memories of walking with your dead child and you don't miss having photos of him or her? I understand that the time you had with your dead child was enough for you, but we are all different. I certainly don't think that your opting out of the walking and photos is "distasteful." I am sure you have your own ways of honoring the memory of your departed child, and it would be nice if you would support those of us who approached the loss differently from how you approached yours. Thank you.
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@Alistair I have had multiple friends who lost their babies at birth and holding them and taking photos was healing. The babies are beautiful babies who deserve to be loved and given a proper goodbye. It is absolutely not grizzly in any way. This happens more often than people know, and these parents need support for their grief, not judgement.
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@Alistair the only thing that’s grizzly is people like you with zero experience in child loss making blanket statements about how parents deal with these sudden, horrific losses.
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After my son died, I asked a friend to take photos of my husband and me holding him outside (since he never got to feel fresh air during his life.) I also asked for a few photos at the funeral because I put him in what was to be his going home outfit - you know, the one expectant parents pack in the hospital bag? Anyway, an older relative scolded me (!!!!) for taking photos of "the dead." I have to say, I still take those pictures out and savor the image of my son. I don't know why that older relative was so upset - maybe superstitious? But, I do know that I have encouraged other parents to make sure they preserve their memories in whatever way they want at the time because they (in my experience) can bring vast comfort. I am glad the CuddleCot exists.
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@Golf Widow I think the general thought, and one that i follow is do you take pictures of your sister/father/cousin that just died? And you could argue you never got a chance to take pictures of the child living but what about the sonogram? I don't want to take away from your pain but I can't ever imagine resorting to that option. I don't want to look at my dead child, it sounds heartbreaking and almost like it could be further damaging to your mental health.
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@Sam have you lost your baby? Please don’t comment about wanting to spend the only time we’ll ever have with our babies as “further damaging our mental health.” If you had read the article you would see research shows more time and bonding improved mental health for parents whose lives were just destroyed.
I lost my baby at 38.5 weeks and I can tell you seeing and holding her was the best thing for me. It may not be for everyone but don’t further traumatize mothers by saying what we did or didn’t do was harmful.
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It was VERY COMMON practice to take pictures of the dead in the nineteenth century. All the outrage about this expressed in some of these comments is ridiculous. I don't think that anyone has the right to tell these parents what is "appropriate" or "decent" in this incredible painful situation. I am a mom and I can only imagine the heartache parents who lose a baby must feel.
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My aunt recently had a still born and being her first child she conceived impacted her dramatically. It is very traumatic to her, to this day because she wasn’t able to interact with her, she even wished she could have at least baptized her. I believe with the Cuddlecot she would have a better form of closure and possibly a better emotional way to deal with this unforeseen situation. I just wish more hospitals could implement this and give more mothers and families the emotional support they need and deserve.
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@Jennifer Glen I am not religious, but can a dead person be baptised in any meaningful way?
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@Jennifer Glen totally agree. Our hospital didn’t have a CuddleCot but gave us a memory box. Some of their forms were outdated. We have since donated four CuddleCots to the local hospitals as no parents should be forced to spend less time with their baby. Society doesn’t know how to properly respond to dead babies.
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@Dana Thank you so much for donating CuddleCots that truly means a lot to me and my aunt ! I completely agree more ways of dealing and coping with these matters should be focused on more in numerous hospitals.
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