Always tell truth and make DNA paternity test mandatory at birth!
2
The sloppy use of language in the headline and article both imply to readers that the role of "father" has primarily to do with sperm. How can the man who was cared for and presumably loved and treasured by this dying man NOT be his son in every meaningful sense of that word? The headline "Do I Tell My Father That My Brother Might Not Be His Son" is absurd on its face.
Father and biological father are two distinct roles that often coincide -- but need not. The article at least avoids using the term "real father" to favor sperm-provision above a lifetime of loving devotion. But the terms "father" and "son", as used in this article, imply exactly that.
I expected more from the Times and certainly from The Ethicist.
29
Wow, this advice is terrible. The author makes unfounded assumptions from start to finish. To take one example-riddled sentence: 'your father surely has feelings for him that would survive the discovery: It’s not, after all, your brother’s fault that your mother was unfaithful.'
What makes the author so sure that the brother and father have a good/solid relationship? And how in the world does the author arrive at the conclusion that the mother was 'unfaithful'? Does the author not realize that there are numerous ways in which such a situation could have arisen, including e.g. having an 'on-again, off-again' relationship; being in an open relationship; or getting raped? Jumping to conclusions (and worse, making value judgements about people you don't know) is incredibly unhelpful, especially when someone is trying to make a decision that could change multiple lives drastically.
22
Re Son:
All the siblings know that one son MAY not be fathered by the same man. They know this because their mother told at least one of the siblings years ago. (How else would they come to know this as a possiblity). Now dad is old and frail. Should I tell him about this possiblity? WHY? Read the first sentence in the quere. "I am the executor of my father's will." That clearly is the motivating issue. You are not "troubled" by the truth. That issue could have been dealt with years ago. What clearly troubles you is Dad's will and the possiblity that Dad might name that son as a beneficiary. If you only care about your own interests - be selfish and tell your Dad and cause him hurt and heartache in when he is old and frail. If Dad is formost in your concern - why hurt your Dad now? Shut up and share any inheritance with someone whom you have treated as a sibling and whom Dad has treated as his son all these these years.
Re: Almost a doctor
Your parents will not support one ill sibling. You want to help that sibling by giving money from your student loan to that sibling. The author of this commentary suggests that you give loan funds to your "reasonably well off parents" and ask them to give those funds to your sibling. If your parents won't assist their child then how likely is it that they will go along with this half baked scheme which really makes them look cheap and ridiculous? Instead, why not offer to co-sign a loan for your sister?
21
The response to the first writer is the worst advice I've ever seen in a column. It is cruel and serves no purpose what so ever. There is absolutely no good that can come out of this. What is the writer's goal? It will only bring great sadness. Does he want the sibling to be disinheritied? I know a few cases like this. In all cases the father went to his grave happy in ignorance and the bond was kept between child and parent. Really, really awful advice.
33
Wills is so considerate of Prince Charles' feelings!
3
It's unbelievably generous to read the brother's desire to out his sibling as not his father's son as anything but greed.
14
I highly doubt your father does not know. It maybe feigned or willful ignorance. Regardless why go through the exercise when its beyond any point. If you wish to dispute paternity due to money you can easily do that after your father is dead, a simple DNA test will suffice. What is the use of tormenting an old man who probably knows but would rather not?
1
@Ed, disputing paternity after a person's death will not change the provisions of a will. I see no reason to dispute paternity in the least now or later; nor does the brother, who may in fact be a full brother, owe the would-be unbrother a DNA sample at any time.
3
Regarding the possible half brother; define the term "son". A man who has raised a person from cradle to adulthood is that person's father regardless of DNA.
24
It sounds like the excecutor is hoping that dad will be mad and write him out of the will thus giving more money to the "real" siblings. Why didn't he tell him before becoming the executor? I think he should not tell him if he in any ways love his father. It would accomplish nothing for the father except some anguish in his last years.
As for the medical student, loans and grants for for school and living expense, ie room, board, textbooks, and tuituion. The moment you buy a keg of beer, shovel, or perfume you are not using it as expected. Just help your sister already and dont involve the parents.
17
The inquirer did not put in writing the real reason for raising the paternity question. This family is fraught with deceit. I am guessing the father knows and has known for a long time and deemed it unimportant.
7
Name Withheld - Any family member, who is also the executor of a parental estate, must understand that you will have the tendency to interpret your parent's wishes in your own best interest. Stated another way, the rest of the family will always think you're acting selfishly. Your first step along this path will be to tell your father the truth, at least as you see it.
Why explore shades of difference in the meanings of ethical and moral? The writer clearly and correctly understands that the situation is wrong. Do the folks who’ve given him student loans know he has no housing costs? Presumably they do. (If not, then that’s wrong, and he should take over his sister’s lease,or at least half of it, which would honor not violate the terms of the loan.) How does he come up with the $4,000 figure? That’s what he can afford? That’s enough to assuage his conscience? He values his sister at less than 20% of his value?
The wrong done his sister by not helping her outweighs the wrong done to the student loan lender. They’re getting paid, after all. Does he feel guilty over all his discretionary spending? It’s a student loan, she’s a student, and the money would be going to cover legitimate student expense. No brainer. Sue me.
How ethical is it for student loan provider to lend to med student and not to PhD candidate?
7
Yeah, there is no institution more concerned with moral and ethical issues than the lenders of student loans. What a predicament.
14
You know what I want as I am frail and dying? Every person in my life to come and confess every dirty secret of a lifetime, so my last days can be filled with the maximum amount of resentment and regret.
Not.
Those matters are all about the survivors and their own guilt. If they need to be dealt with, deal with them after.
24
To the "executor of his father's will," do not tell your father about your brother. It appears that you are only telling your father now in order to possibly increase the size of your inheritance. That seems like an indefensible thing to do to your brother, who is innocent of any wrongdoing in this matter and yet will be the one to suffer.
Also, to be honest, I think extremely old people are sometimes much meaner than their younger selves. Your dad may do something now in anger that he wouldn't have dreamed of doing when he was younger.
5
Regarding the person who suspects that a brother might be a half-brother.
The key word here is "might." There is no definitive proof at this point. Barring the ability to obtain this proof, there is nothing to be said except speculation. I don't see any ethical requirement to inform someone of an unproven assertion.
8
Regarding the person who suspects that a brother may be a half-brother.
One can simply weigh the possible positive and negative outcomes--and whom they would impact the most-- and take it from there, knowing that, like other past actions, whatever is done now also cannot be undone.
2
Kwame,
I have a different definition of ethics vs morals. Morals is closely associated to the modern world with moralism, religious morals, and sexual morality. As a philosophical concept it is closer to tradition or mores.
Ethics, in contrast, is the philosophical concept. It isn't ethics unless it is justified by rational or empirical support or argument.
Ethics is then the philosophical study of morals, to see what holds up and what doesn't, or applying critical thinking to all that morality you were taught in Sunday School.
I think the medical student should just give the money to his sister. It is his to give, and he will be able to pay it back. That's all the government cares about. His parents may be trying to punish the sister for getting a PhD...he has no obligation to share their bias.
And the father should not have been lied to his whole life, but should know the truth. Philosophy puts a premium on truth. He should be unhappy with his wife, but not his more or less adopted son.
As Aristotle said, call no man happy until after he has died, because you need to know the whole story. He will be a fool for eternity if he doesn't know and find a way to accept the truth.
5
@priceofcivilization, that was Herodotus, attributed to Solon. But a good quote, a wise one. That said, there is zero reason to make the father unhappy over this; it does no good to anyone (except as far as the "executor" might cause enough agony to split a father from the man who has been his son throughout his life, in order to profit by the deed). People do not live by philosophy alone, but by the feelings of the heart, which need not be broken now, and certainly not for such a low cause. It is not even sure that the brother is not the father's own child, for God's sake. In truth, this is a person looking to make trouble where there need be none. And philosophy should from on that, too.
5
NO.
5
@LW2:
Send the money to your sister already. You have pocket money and probably spend $4K per year for necessities. Send her that and use your loan for the necessities. Money is fungible. Even if you don't spend $4K send it still .. maybe even more, as you are going to be a doctor with low loans and should be able to pay them off easily.
I would not involve the parents and sending her "rent" etc. as they don't appear to be on good terms with your sister.
18
I find it cruel, if not self serving on the part of the executor (in the name of the "real" blood siblings), to give this last blow to this frail man. How sad may be to come to grips with his ex wife's betrayal (while they were married) making old/new feelings resurge with no time to process them. In addition ,the thought that everybody in the family knew except him may be even a harder blow. Don't include him in the "in" group with the secret at the end. It would be a great pain with, again, little time for his psyche to process the painful revelation. Unless, that is, he was a bad father and husband and you want retribution by inflicting a last dose of pain. If not,I don't seethe point. This may be a cultural issue, but for me this would be such an uncharitable gesture told in the guise of the "truth" that the stated motive even sound suspicious.
24
No of course you should not do that, but you should make sure he does not get the benefits that otherwise he would be getting. How foolish to think now when it is so late to even consider this. The time was long ago, especially from the wife who is most guilty.
Are you talking about the possible half brother's share of the estate? Do you also believe adopted children should not inherit from their parents? More goes into being a father than DNA. Since the father raised the possible half brother he is his father.
9
@vulcanalex, an executor executes the wishes of the deceased in accordance with the will; he or she does not get to dole out money like a little god. And of course people can leave their money to people not related by blood--and here, that is not proven anyway. If I were the father and you planned to do what you say, I would omit you from the will and remove you from any connection with my affairs, blood or not, on account of sheer immorality--and yes, lack of ethical thought or behavior.
10
In the case of the son who suspects/believes that his brother is not the biological child of his father, I would apply a golden rule analysis, but with a twist:
I would ask not “what would I want were I in the position of the father,” but rather “what do I believe that the father himself, whom I have known well for decades, would want in this situation — disclosure or non-disclosure?“
There is no doubt in my mind that, if I were the father in this scenario, I would want very much to know the truth, even at a very late stage of life. Would that truth cause me to reject my non-biological son? Absolutely not. But I would want to know it.
There is also no doubt in my mind that many would feel otherwise. For example, while I myself never had a father I knew, I do have a father-in-law I’ve been close to for decades. Knowing him as well as I do, I can say with near certainty that there is no way my father-in-law would want to know that either of his sons was not biologically his. He is a man who has historically avoided and/or repressed unpleasant facts on matters big and small. A sweet ostrich type.
I believe that the writer should decide the proper course of action by reflecting deeply, based on his lifelong familiarity with his father, to try to discern as reliably as possible what the wishes of his father would be.
PS: I hope that the writer’s concern about this has nothing to do with possible inheritance implications. Why was the fact of his executorship relevant?
8
Maybe he thought it was relevant because he is going to be carrying out his father’s will. In other words, he is trusted, maybe the one his father trusts most.
He also has a complex relationship with this question. He may financially benefit if he tells his father. But if he uses his role to gain this benefit, it may form the basis for relatives like his brother, to challenge the will.
Finally, the father and everyone else likely wants this process to unfold with minimal drama. That’s why you write a will and name an executor that you trust. So this role, combined with a family secret, presents a conflict.
Does he act like a trusted advisor and offer what he knows? Does he act like a neutral executor so that their trust in his competence is well-placed? If he tells his father the truth, is he indulging a conflict of interest? If he doesn’t, is he serving his family’s wishes against his father’s, like a double agent?
I am not sure that an executor is a full fiduciary, but he is supposed to be his father’s agent. Normally, you’re supposed to disclose conflicts of interest to your principal. But doing so violates the family’s wishes and could hurt the father.
Maybe I’d follow another commenter and think about whether this father would want to know. If he would, keep a copy of the current will. If the father gives you more at brother or mother’s expense, give them what addition you got. You’d avoid benefiting from the conflict and reduce its impact. Make it irrelevant.
1
"Do I tell my father that my brother might not be his son?"
It seems that the Ethicist answers this question, or some variation of it, every few weeks. Yet there is never any shortage of readers to argue passionately about it, from every possible angle, in the comments section each time! (Fiction writers take heed: The family secret - the plot line that never grows old.)
4
How would the father's end of life be improved by telling him now that his son might NOT be his son? I do not see this as a kindness. How would this impact your relationship with your brother? I see no upside in doing this.
26
The father knows. Maybe he has kept quiet to avoid the public humiliation and family discord that a divorce would bring. Don’t make his final days (weeks or months) miserable.
The question here is why are your parents helping you but not your sister?
5
@Lynn in DC, I don't think that is the question. I think the question is what the sibling wishes to do for her sister, who needs help. Both "children" sound to be adults, and the parents are no longer the arbiters of their relationship, if they ever were.
1
Are adopted children any less part of the family? While this analogy is not perfectly parallel, it gives us a chance to see parentage through other eyes.
Marie Osmond, when asked about her birth children and her adopted children, answered that she forgot which is which. Great answer. They are all her children. She loves them all.
If the knowledge of his son's full parentage is new to him (I suspect not), it may shock the father to the point that he makes a knee-jerk decision regarding inheritance,. It seems he does not have enough time left to both handle and recover from a sense of betrayal. On the other hand, while facing death the father may have a clear picture of what is important in life. He may instantly realize that a parent-child relationship is defined by a lifetime of love, experiences, and shared life. The molecular level is not the place to find any of those things.
I agree with the others who questioned the motives of the executor-son of the estate. Why keep a secret from the father for a lifetime and then feel it is urgent to tell him now?
Let this secret lay with the sleeping dogs.
12
@J. Allison Rose I agree with you. It is just that I have an example of a wrench being thrown into the works of adoption. In our neighborhood, a man & wife with 4 children & they are adopted siblings. Morals & the ethics of truth???
So many here conflating parent and father; they are separate roles. You can be one without being the other. If you choose to be a non-bio parent, either through adoption or marriage, that is fine. Caring for your own offspring is not a matter of choice, however. The problem occurs when one takes on the burden of parent under the assumption of being the father. That removes the element of choice. Having invested a lifetime of love and financial support under fraudulent circumstances, you may decide it doesn't matter, or you may decide to resent those who lied to you and defrauded you.
It is the old man's will. He deserves to know the truth about his complicit family as he decides how to arrange his affairs. I doubt it would affect the relationship with the non-bio son, who is innocent after all. Too many are making assumptions about the familial relationships. There may be nothing there to disrupt. Why protect the liars?
I couldn't disagree more on the paternity question. The writer's father has loved this man and been the only father he has known for (presumably) 50 years or so. To throw this information at him as he prepares to die would be an act of wanton cruelty.
14
In regards to the second letter, you have the money and the willingness to help your sister. What more do you need?
7
Being a parent is far larger than DNA. From the info provided, their DNA is not relevant.
10
Paternity.
As mentioned, the father may know more than anyone in the family knows he knows.
He may be comfortable with the status quo.
If there is no indication by way of the father’s words or behavior that this is a problem, I’d leave it alone.
Also the principals in this case are the mother, the maybe father, and the maybe son. They have the lion’s share of this decision, not the writer of this question.
Also, Mr. Appiah, you should not have assumed that the wife was unfaithful. The writer gives no indication of this and shows your bias, which is not good for a writer of a column on ethics.
10
Telling the father at this late stage of the game is cruel and absurd. Not only could it be heartbreaking for the father, it could rip the family apart once he learned that all knew but him.
I strongly suspect this is about money -- not about his father's right to know.
8
At this late date for the father, it is not the son's ("the executor" of Dad's will) responsibility/obligation to inform Dad his other son is not really biologically his father's son (after first confirming Mom's family secret with a DNA test, of course).
1. It really is Mom's responsibility to tell Dad because only she really knows the facts of the case. But, what would be gained by telling him now after all the years of telling the kids but not Dad? Perhaps a last ditch attempt to save her soul?? Not worth it, for Dad's sake.
2. Perhaps Dad may suspect the truth, but everyone has moved along for years, so be careful. But if Dad asks The Executor son for the truth, that is an entirely different matter. That Dad has not asked may mean he really does not care to know at this late stage.
3. The disclosure basically de-elevates other son within the family pecking order. Perhaps Dad may cut him out of the will--more money for the remaining "children," which now casts suspicion on the motives of the Executor. Consider the feelings & consequences for the other son.
4. Was it a bitter divorce? If this were a horror film, Mom would wait until Dad's final time on earth and then spring it on him that he is not the father of one son. Ah, but maybe Mom may have made up the whole thing (consciously or subconsciously) to get back at the father.
It looks like a lot more harm than good would come with he disclosure, esp. if pushed and delivered by Executor.
6
The med student brother is a mensch.
5
@PrairieFlax. ... and his parents are not.
Legally, a child born during a marriage is considered the husband’s child.
13
Oh for goodness sake, help the sister out. The brother who is getting aid from the parents and from student loans has a combined “pot” of aid he receives. He can reasonably conclude that he his providing funds to his sister out of the combined pot and not violating the terms of his student loan agreement.
12
The first line of this "answer" is questionable. There's nothing 'disrespectful' about withholding this information, at any time in the father's life. Life is a natural process not a Biblical one. The relationship is emotional, not legal. The only one with the right to reveal is the mother who gave birth to the child. Which of course is itself meaningless unless she has biological reasons to be certain of it.
Hard to imagine a man of, say, 60 rejecting his son because his ex-wife had been unfaithful to him. Perhaps in an 18th-century novel.
2
Name withheld - It's your father's property and your father's money. He gets to do with it as he wishes. His "relationship" to your brother is whatever it is, with or without DNA. Your father *deserves* to do with his money and property as he sees fit. Your responsibility is to see that his legally stated directions are followed. On top of everything else, you were clearly raised as your brother's sibling, and your brother was raised as your father's son. Maybe you should question why it is that you want to try and upend all of it toward the end of your father's life.
10
What possible good could come from telling a father that his son isn't his son? The father certainly isn't going to feel better, nor is the son likely to feel better about having to construct a relationship to his "father". And if the father already does know about the "son" but has chosen to ignore the fact in order to treat the children equally, a lifetime of purpose will be unravelled.
29
And what a surprise it would be if in fairness the “executor” son was also DNA tested and found to be not a biological son either! I agree there is nothing to be gained and I suspect the father already knows.
3
Although I can't argue with the author's Greek and Latin definitions of morals and ethics, I'd argue that the modern versions differ. Modern morality has a religious, philosophical, and personal angle; we talk about having an individual moral compass, for example, and it's developed in each of us through personal experiences. Modern ethics have a public dimension, an agreed-upon set of commonly accepted practices and policies that guide our public and professional lives, and they don't directly reflect one single religious practice or belief (I'm thinking of ethical guidelines for attorneys, realtors, doctors, funeral directors, etc. that their professional organizations develop and update).
3
Birth has to do with DNA and genetics but parenting has to do with caring. Bonds are made from love, and are not automatic just because of shared DNA. As someone else said, showing up. This elderly man IS the father, a title earned by decades of acting as the father. Who knows if he knows the secret or not, it does not matter! It's the relationship that matters.
25
Two of my cousins had younger brothers who were the result of affairs of my aunts. The fathers didn’t need anybody to tell them the boys weren’t theirs. They knew as soon as the pregnancy was announced.
10
I wonder how paternity questions were settled before the advent of DNA tests?
If the father in this case loved and raised the boy into a man, now several decades later, what is the point of denying the father the full rights and privileges of being the father of his son? If he has earned it and no one should question his relationship to his son at this point, not even the executor of the estate. I think in past generations prior to scientific verification's of paternity, men had to take it on faith that our children were our own. If we could live by that faith and take responsibility for the life of the child, we earned the right to be treated as the father, not to be denied it decades later by a superficial DNA test.
44
What good would it do to tell the father that his other son may not be his biological son? Is there an another motive - like sharing a larger portion of an inheritance?
Also, I would imagine that the father already knows. Why subject him to potential humiliation while he's old and in poor health?
65
No, the son should not tell his father that his other son might not be his biological son. Even if he knows for certain, he should not share this information. The reasons are self-evident and The Ethicist's answer defies both logic and compassion. If there are other things left unsaid (I love you, you are a wonderful father, I loved our fishing trips), by all means say them. These are the things his father deserves to know.
57
I was told by my father that my mother wasn't my 'real' mother, but my stepmother who'd been married to my father when I, the product of an affair, was born. He blackmailed her into pretending to be pregnant and giving birth to me (we were posted overseas) in exchange, he wouldn't divorce her and dump their son. The announcement destroyed my life. The man I believed honorable was not. The woman who was a fair and caring, if somewhat aloof, mother and her wonderful family, was not really mine. I looked in the mirror and only saw a stranger. I walked away from college, my home and, almost walked off a cliff overlooking Yosemite Valley, at age 19 years.
Ironically, instead of siding with my bio dad's decision to leave my mother, I sided with her. She and I never spoke of it, and we spent the next 30 years living with the other, caring for and about each other. I never forgave my father, who also never asked for it, for selfishly using my adopted status as a weapon against a woman who was faithful, supportive and deserving of far more. He died a few years later, having imploded our family for a mistress half his age, while my mother never remarried.
When Mom was dying from cancer, my brother wanted to know why she wasn't fighting it (at age 78) and why didn't I offer my bone marrow. I finally told him the truth. He didn't come to her funeral and he's never spoke to me again.
Telling a secret for selfish reasons is still selfish. An awakened dog might just rip your heart out.
83
@BeautifulLeaf. So tragic. I'm sorry this happened to you. Your mother, (the true mother is the person who raised you), was lucky to have you.
7
@BeautifulLeaf
Your tragic history is Exhibit A as to why "ethics" cannot be settled in the abstract, analyzing each separate facet logically and objectively: if you say A, he might react this way, if you say B, she might feel that way...
Issues of paternity and family go to the very core of who we are as human beings. OF COURSE the son in this article should not divulge the truth to his frail, 82 year old father! Treating this decision like a logic problem is the opposite of humane, or, if you will, ethical.
7
@BeautifulLeaf That's tragic, and I'm sorry. Your last paragraph really says it all.
3
Surely, if anyone tells the father that a man he believes is his son is not biologically his son, it is that man. After all what is fatherhood really anyway? It is far more than biological.
19
second question:
i would help my sibling, especially if she has health issues, cause i would weigh her life against the rules of the loan. you're still going to pay back the loan, aren't you? i think it is dangerous to blindly follow rules and procedures. even soldiers can't blindly do that, we established after world war 2.
and as for your parents, i would ordinarily leave them in protest, if it weren't possible to help your sister through the loan. i would leave in solidarity with my sibling and join her in the "suffering." we would both struggle through life and forget our miserable parents and avoid them after that and cut off all ties. if they mistreat my sibling, they mistreat me, too, period. when they help one, they feel a bit of a moral "copout" i think. but since you can save and transfer the help to your sister, keep with them and help her, i would suggest.
for the first dilemma, first i think its not your responsibility. you're a child too. its your mom's responsibility. if she can't, i don't think you should feel the moral burden. whether you tell him or not shouldn't depend on whether its a moral burden to you, i believe. with that out of the way, i think the question becomes what does it serve to tell him? how will he respond? also, it see like you may be considering telling him to lift your own moral guilt than to help him? if its the former, is it right, i wonder? he might already know or suspect. also, he's probably not a saint either, never was.
7
I don't really understand the rationale for refusing permission for the brother to help his sister. Appiah lays out a way to do it "morally" which ends up with exactly the same final fund transfers as his proposal. It is just 'laundered' through the parents. I fail to see any observable difference.
I'd just send sis the $.
46
If the father raised him and loved him as a son, then he is his son, regardless of what any test might say.
41
@Alison but he might not agree (though I do!!! Fatherhood is about showing up). Whose call is it? I also wonder if the executor has some obligation to execute the will faithfully where there’s a suspicion versus actual knowledge. Anyway...I probably wouldn’t say anything...but I’d concede I was placing my values above the father’s and the law’s (if applicable).
1
It's appalling that the parents who are well off won't help their daughter get medical care. What's up with that?
49
this sounds like the crux of the matter to me, too. the med student is hoping to atone for the bad blood between her parents and her sister, and perhaps has some guilt around it as well. no matter how good her intentions, $4000. a year is no way out of what's bothering her, and is likely to make matters worse.
the med student doesn't want to speak to the parents on the sister's behalf because she is on their dole, paid off in "generosity". boil it down and they sound mean and controlling. pitiful as her current situation is, she's better off without them.
13
What about the brother’s feeling at this point? How would he feel to be told that his dying father is not his? Who is he then? What a horrible possibility to ponder. I don’t think the “real’ son is after monetary gain, but truth at any cost will hurt everyone and benefit noone!
24
@Kathy Millard
I believe the reverse would be a very different situation.
Anybody has a right to know who their blood relations are, especially when it comes to parents. The son would have a chance to than decide if he wants a relationship with the genetic father or not. The same goes for children.
I think when it's about whether accepted someone as their child that is NOT their child things get a little muddier. You are taking away rights from someone, not bestowing them on someone. And you are destroying relationships rather than forging them.
So, no - the reverse is an entirely different case.
But I agree - nothing is gained from telling the father unless the estate executor son is after changing the legal status of his step brother.
5
@Kathy Millard
PS.: The other brother knows.
2
@CitizenTM
If they have the same biological mother but different biological fathers, then they are half-brothers rather than step-brothers who would each have a different set of biological parents but the father of one and the mother of the other having married.
3
Hey, the family has conspired to lie to the father for years & years & years. Why stop now? Lying for years & years & years is a virtue, right? Look how many comments in the thread say so.
Keep on lying, Name Withheld--maintain your family's reputation. After all, you have plenty of fans here.
9
@camorrista
I think you are - deliberately or not - misreading the reasons why so many here advocate to keep the mouth shut about this. There is simply no good reason to do divulge this now. If the father did not know he may go to his grave with a sour feeling, not only about the woman he had a bad relationship with but about the offspring. Or he may feel no difference at all about that son - which means, why take the risk?
It would be very different if the roles were reversed. If the dying man knew all along, but the son did not. Than the hypothetical father needs to tell. Everybody is entitled to know who their father was. But this way around, I see nothing good can come out of telling him.
30
@camorrista, ah yes, the virtuous teller of tales of other people's possible secrets or potential sins, spreading alienation and grief while patting yourself on the back for your virtue. I wouldn't put it so harshly--but knew you'd want the truth.
2
To the medical student-just send your sister the money. Your sister is a real person, the predatory loan companies are not.
34
I suspect that the children of someone I know and love may not be theirs bialogically. I would never bring it up. That question of who is the parent is a comlex one. The person who provides the egg or seed or the one who teaches the child to read, feeds them when they are infants, stays up with them when they are sick. I think parenthood is earned not gifted. This man raised his son and knows what he knows and should be left alone. If the infheritance is so important, let me sue is brother after his father is dead.
18
Don't tell the father. Let the sleeping dog sleep.
Med student just give the sister the money, the ethicist's convoluted reasoning is a fictive narrative, a sort of Pascal's wager for ethics.
The loan rules are meant to be broken.
20
@anon.No loan rules are not meant to be broken. If he doesn't need the loan it should be returned to be loaned out to someone who does need it.
5
@Rpatt the sister needs it and the brother instead of paying his parents should help out his sister. I don't see how this is dishonest in any way.
9
Re Paternity
I am recalling Woody Allen’s OpEd to the Times. Mr Allen and his ex, Mia Farrow, had children together, one being the journalist Ronan Farrow. Mr Farrow’s resemblance to Mia Farrow’s ex-husband, Frank Sinatra, is eerie. In the OpEd Mr Allen pointed out that Ms Farrow knew Ronan was not Wood’s child yet she had sued him for financial support of Ronan Farrow throughout his youth.
The father in this tale and/or his estate may have more than just a moral claim against the cheating mother.
Re Med Student
The citations of Aristotle and Socrates made my morning. Thanks!
I do wonder about the relationships between the “well off” parents and their adult children. One feels gratitude for them not charging rent. The other is in need but they refuse any help. In fact she is so needy the other sibling needs to contrive a way to help her.
The real moral dilemma here seems to lie with the parent’s concern and compassion for their family.
17
@Johannes de Silentio
Many readers are down on the parents because they are not providing money to their adult graduate student daughter. However, they are allowing their adult med student son to live with them free of rent.
Let’s slow down. We know nothing of the parents’ history with the daughter versus the parents’ history with the son. In addition, letting someone live under your roof is almost free - – it’s just part of overhead. Sending someone a monthly check is not part of overhead. The writer says that his parents have declined to help his sister. That tells us nothing about what is in their bank account or the plans they have for the years left to them.
Nor does it tell us anything about the history between the parents on the one hand and the sister on the other hand. Anything is possible there. For example, My sister has three adult children. She discovered not long ago that one of the three children (in young adulthood) routinely stole from her for several years — thousands of dollars in total. Given that history, it might be understandable if she provided forms of assistance to the adult children who did not steal from her while declining to assist the adult child who did steal from her.
Who knows what the story is between the parents and the graduate student adult daughter? Let’s not be so quick to judge the parents.
1
Ugh! Another letter about biological lineage questioned. Hey folks! A whole ton of people cheat. Yep, #youtoo women out there. Something like 1 in 50 kids born of married women is fathered by a man other than the husband. Is Prof Appiah on a mission to bring us all of the stories (from 1 single source in each case) to ponder?
This column feeds the guilty pleasure of readers too proud to admit that they just love the Jerry Springer show.
Of all of the ethical concerns in this world at present, week after week of these letters. Wouldn’t be surprised if I start seeing pop ups for Ancestry.com or 23&me.
11
@TG does the dying guy get a vote? I agree with you on fatherhood, but I’m just leery of doing or not doing something behind closed doiors because I want a particular result. If lying to him would save the day, would we do that instead? (Which is what happened, for a long time.) Are the elderly to be treated as children?
The son truly needs to keep his mouth shut. Given the first sentence in his question, I suspect inheritance is on his mind and not concern for his father. He sounds greedy with questionable priorities. PSA: Blood relation is not a prerequisite to being a father. What is this guy the hall monitor? Show my your DNA everybody or I’m going to tell Daddy! I suspect that no matter how many people tell him not to say anyhing, he still won’t be able to keep his mouth shut. Hoping some karma boomerang ends up knocking him out of the will though.
26
@Ashley I suspect inheritance is the issue, too. It's even mentioned!
I can't imagine a person who'd raised a child and made it to their 80s would cut that son or daughter from their will. It's certainly not the "fault" of the child anyway.
My mother-in-law recently said I'd inherit my husband's portion of her estate if he passed away before she did. I think that is very kind and I would do the same for a daughter or son in LAW, not to mention someone I'd thought was my own child from birth.
6
@Ashley I agree, maybe he and all the siblings should have to take a DNA test just to be sure.
1
It’s not your secret to tell; it’s you mother’s.
You’re not that special, don’t stick your nose into business that’s NOT yours.
33
What does it say about the elite academy, in which Prof Appiah sits at NYU (and before that several others on his march to less and less teaching), that the good professor has no clue about the federally backed student loan terms and legalities? It’s illegal to shunt these loans to others.
Doesn’t our “ethicist” have an appointment at the NYU law school? I suppose his teaching load might require 5 min/year covering the entirety of that oxymoronic topic of “legal ethics”.
8
@TG
Wow. Somehow I don’t think this comment is really about the substance of the letter writer’s dilemma.
2
If you can do any better than the words, "may not be his child..." be quiet.
9
Leave Dad in the dark as for Brother send Sis the money
14
Re the med student, I would blanch at any arrangement that might lead to legal troubles, including for the parents, if the proposed "laundering" of the money given to the parents as pretend rent were determined to be a sham. I'm not offering a legal opinion, but perhaps one should be sought. Fraud is not to be played with lightly—look at recent events. I don't endorse any illegality (nor will an attorney), but do watch that paper trail. Honesty is the best policy, not least because lies may be found out. Last, a question—if your expenses are small, are you expected to return the excess funds?
3
Regarding whether to tell one's frail elderly father about the brother's paternity. You fail to address the important distinction between justice and mercy - the letter of 'the law' and the dictates of 'compassion. With this in mind, it would appear that there is nothing to be gained by sharing 'the truth' and much to be gained by keeping one's own counsel.
18
It seems quite possible to me that the old man has always known. He made his choice long ago and it turned out to be a good one, but, being a man of his time and place, he considers it vaguely shameful. Pushing the truth out into the open now would just be cruel.
Also, the "executor" should realize that he will forever destroy the relationship he has with all of his family. (His dad still has time to cut him out of the will and find another executor! That's what I would do.)
Of course he could simply be planning to get the estate for himself and is just fishing for some moral cover. But since everyone already saw right through that ploy the cover won't do him any good. Will it?
19
Define father and son. As the mother of an adopted daughter, I was sometimes asked "who is her real mother"?. "I am" was my answer. What chutzpah for one son to suggest he may be more of a "son" than his brother based on shared DNA. I cannot imagine how there can be any loving intent here.
25
@caryl heller
I agree with you. the "real" parents are those who loved and cared for the child not just the biological parents.
12
Indeed, the ones who put up with you during adolescence, listened patiently in silence as you ground the gears and slid backwards during uphill starts while learning to drive stickshift, helped you work through "story problems" in elementary school math homework, gave solid, steady counsel during the launch period of early adulthood....that is a parent. And yes, I was blessed with parents who really wanted to be parents.
4
@caryl heller
I don’t believe the writer implied that his is more of a sone to his father than his brother, except in the biological sense.
You may infer what you like. The question was written (or edited) to specifically not address the personal relationship between maybe father and maybe son.
You rose to the NYT bait.
LW1: I smell a rat! LW1 is not giving us all the information. He and his brother can get a DNA test and settle the matter. Telling the father - quite a bit more complicated to know the right thing to do. Lots of good advice in many of the comments on this quandary
New thought: Let's say the brother tells the father, and the father reveals that he's known this all along. The father has not brought up the suspected paternity with the extended family because he considers the son to be his, or for some other reason. Now the "truth" is revealed, and the father, feeling frail(?), deceived, sad, and facing death, decides to change his will disinheriting everyone except for his non-biological son. What a soap opera!
The ones in this family who have been deceiving the father, for whatever reasons, all these years are the ones who have big problems with ethics. The father's remaining days may be improved by knowing the truth and they may not. But knowing that his entire family has deceived him - actually conspired against him, possibly to disinherit the non- biological son - for years will definitely ruin what time he has left.
15
LW2: Regarding the med student's dilemma, seems odd that the "well off" parents would choose to leave their PhD-seeking daughter in a seemingly unhealthy situation. How does it even make sense to ask them to take one child's loan money and send it to the other child? Seems ridiculous. I sense there's more to this story and without knowing, a logical recommendation isn't possible.
12
@FJV. Also, it is curious that the son is able to get a student loan but the daughter is not. I wonder why. Very controlling parents in any event.
2
About the proposed pass-through of student loan money to the estranged sister who did not qualify for student loan: Why does the writer think that no one will ever know he committed the federal crimes of fraudently obtaining and unlawfully diverting student loan funds to a non-educational purpose? Each individual diversion of funds is likely to be considered a separate crime (and a separate count on the indictment). Moreover, he is making his parents potentially culpable as co-conspirators if they go along with his plan, which has now been revealed to the world. Someone will figure out who he is and report him at a time when it is most inconvenient for him. The result is that, as the writer becomes more successful, and perhaps even seeks government research grants or has to undergo an FBI background check for some important position, his crime will be there, waiting to be uncovered, and waiting to ruin his name and reputation for whatever opportunity he thought was to be his. This is sometimes called Murphy’s Law. He should be smarter than to mortgage his entire future to the chance that he will never be caught by the authorities and to the possibility that no family member, friend or professional colleague will ever turn on him and testify against him for their own advantage. Please refer to the Dunning-Krueger Effect as it applies to highly intelligent persons, and to stories of newsworthy persons called to answer for earlier indiscretions by the #MeToo movement.
4
@Critic1949 and consider Manafort etc. for examples....
1
@Critic1949
I am a retired lawyer. While I would never counsel evasion of the letter of any law, I can offer the thought that the chances that the scenario our ethicist offers up as a possibility is the kind of scenario that happens all the time with student loans, with virtually no risk whatsoever that any official will ever have reason to look into such an arrangement, much less prosecute it. As for possible future FBI checks, I don’t think there’s much of a worry there either. Governmental investigatory and prosecutorial resources are actually quite limited. They tend to go after the bigger stuff, not-hard-to prove small fry.
This is not intended as a comment on the ethics of the letter writer’s proposal.
1
Son or not--The default is not truth; no question is pending. The default is silence. The impact of a conclusive DNA determination upon family relationships, human comfort and good will are too many to be fully considered. From the facts presented it is possible dad has known the truth since the boy's birth, yet chosen to treat him as a son and expects all others to do the same.
Why has a truth discoverable long ago become important only now? Truth does not accrue interest so that cashing it in decades late yields a vastly greater truth.
12
@Mark P
100% excellent comment.
Is there maybe a hidden agenda of the executor of the will son? Does he want absolution to tell the Dad so the brother might be cut out of the will? Only speculating. But I just cannot see the motivation of the son to bring this up now.
9
I recently witnessed a situation in the circle of friends of my parents, where a 75 y.o. woman found out - after the death of her husband - that he lived a double life all this time with another woman - for at least 30 years.
It destroyed her.
She began to drink heavily and self medicate and was dead within 2 years.
Although this news reached her involuntarily, not like in the case of the son/father where it can be revealed or withheld, I believe it is better to not reveal late life informations that can shatter one's entire understanding of one's life.
But the rest of the family should find ways to atone and heal their family from this betrayal of keeping it a secret for all these years.
13
For the Med student:
It's very kind of you trying to help your sister.
A little extra money can make a real difference in terms of having reasonable transportation and accommodation, health coverage etc. The possibility to have a small emergency loan at times is also important (like going to a conference, the reimbersement never arrived within months when I was in grad school). Meanwhile, the ability to make ends meet with the meager stipend IS part of the PhD education. Peer support (friends and groupmates) is also important, as other students are going through similar financial and most importantly other difficulties. They can share where to rent and to get groceries, and occasionally being given a ride here and there goes a long way. Having friends takes a lot of hardship away. Help can come in many ways other than a fixed sum of cash per year. If there are conditions on your own loan, something smaller, after careful discussion with your sister, may be a good alternative.
I wish both of you best of luck in your education.
6
@Debbie Lenug
"Meanwhile, the ability to make ends meet with the meager stipend IS part of the PhD education."
Ridiculous. As harmful and pointless as med students interning for 80+ hours a week and hazing.
18
@Debbie Lenug - Did you read the part about the sister's health problems and her having to decide, due to financial reasons, which provider(s) she can do without each month? Should that be part of a PhD education? Your advice sounds great for someone who is healthy, strong, and resilient.
My advice to the brother is: send her the money, keep quiet about it, and ask your sister to do the same. Your parents might not take kindly to the idea that you've taken advantage of living rent-free in their house to send money (that you wouldn't be able to afford otherwise) to a sibling they don't want to help.
10
If your father loved him as a son, then he is your brother.
If you loved him as your brother, then he is your brother.
This decision should come from your heart and not from your brain.
If you want a brain dictated decision then consult a lawyer.
Do the right thing.
You know the one that will make you look into the bathroom mirror without cringing for the rest of your natural life.
That unethical decision will live and damage the rest of your life.
And that is a price that is not worth paying.
40
The son should keep his mouth shut. What possible good could it do at this point to tell his father he might not be the brother’s bio dad? All it will do is hurt everyone involved. Aside from that, no one knows for sure.
39
@Bookworm8571
Absolutely! I agree 100%.
In this situation, the truth will not set anyone free. It will injure everyone involved. And for what purpose? Not love.
Besides, it's not the son's secret to tell his father. It's the mother's secret to tell her ex-husband. The son should keep his mouth shut.
4
Easy: the parents charge rent and send the money to the sister
That satisfies the lender
9
This scenario stinks.
The brother was a son to the father.
What a cruel and ruthless plot by someone thinking they are doing good. Live with it and find peace.
35
I read with some horror the self-serving question of the ‘executor’. The only reason for including this reference is to confirm there is a financial angle to his question. He states the relationship between his mother and father is fraught but fails to characterise that between his suspected half-brother and his father, a half-brother who is blameless for the circumstances of his conception, by the way. What possible good might be served, other than financial by telling the father at this point in his life? Your role is to make your father’s remaining time as comfortable and fulfilling as possible not to line your pockets with a family tragedy.
As for the concerned medical student, good for you wanting to help out your sister, that is a noble feeling. Does it make the ethical considerations any easier if you look at your loan from the point of view that you are already breaching the terms of it by taking money intended for living expenses that you are not incurring? Do you intend in good faith to pay back what you have received? If yes, help out your sister and know that you are doing good as a potential doctor should. You will be faced with many tough ethical decisions in your chosen career, perhaps now is a good time to lay down a marker as to how you will practice your profession, do what’s right or what’s expedient?
24
Regarding the first letter: The executor sounds more an executioner.
30
I generally agree with your viewpoint but cannot on this one. First(I am a lawyer), being an executor confers no power or rights until the death of the testator. He is merely a son and and so has no legal rights to act. As a good son, he should put the feelings of his Dad first and those familial feelings should be to avoid a hurtful conversation with an old frail man. What good does he think telling his fathjer would do except perhaps get him a bigger piece of the pie? Forget about until his father dies and then as Executor he can decide if he want to challenge the language of the Will which no doubt states " I leave my Estate to my two sons"
53
@Michael Shiffman Conversely the testator if given the chance might correct the will to name each child and withstand challenge. Meanwhile if the will does in fact say "my two sons," versus my issue, the decedent's misunderstanding of who "sons" was is immaterial--their intent is clear. Or so I would suggest!
4
The words 82 years, old and frail jump out at me. As a parent and being an adopted child I think one has to look at the BIG picture.
The questioner notes the mother and siblings all know the one brother may not be the mans son, including the brother in question.
If they know he may not be the fathers son, then might a conversation with the father help? One could use a 'friend' analogy in a conversation and ask the fathers opinion on what the father would do in a similar situation.
3
The real issue isn’t that the son may not be his biological son. It’s that his wife and kids have been lying and keeping this secret for years. That’s a much worse betrayal than long-ago cheating. No good can come of telling a dying man that everyone he loves is a liar.
92
We're all "dying," Lisa.
The "executor" said his father is old and frail. He asked if the old and frail man "deserves" to know the truth the family has colluded to keep from him for years.
You, like nearly everyone else here, except for the Ethicist, thinks the old man does NOT deserve to know the truth.
I think the mother and the fake "son" and the letter writer and the other siblings and the lawyer should invite the cuckold to a family meeting and tell the truth. What's the worst that could happen?
@ Liberty He might die unhappy and bitter when he didn't need to, is one possibility that comes to mind.
7
@ Liberty
That his heart would break?
11
At 82 years old and dying you being the only truthful person in your family decide that your father needs this information now? Shame on you. Who does this revelation serve? You, a slap against mom and siblings , what does dad do with his short time left with this? Like a cheating husband telling a wife years later he cheated, who are you serving? And to make matters worse it isn’t even a definite. No good can come of this.
This brother, feels guilty for taking money he doesn’t need. To assuage this he will give extra to sister. Problem solved for him. He is going to pay back the money, right? In order to do something charitable often comes with a personal price. Is he so ethically guided he will justify not giving her help? Depends on what weighs heavier on his shoulders, Loan guidelines or sisters’ good.
12
Lw2- how very kind and thoughtful of you to help your sister when you yourself have large expenses. I don’t think there’s any “ethical” question here regarding your loan. You do what you think is right!
We have a president who doesn’t repay his loans, and who stiffs his contractors, and a country full of billionaires who don’t pay their taxes. Don’t feel an iota of guilt. (and what’s the deal with your “well off“ parents? It’s simply deplorable that they would allow your sister to forgo medical care.)
53
Regarding Letter 1, your brother is your father's child in every way that matters. Your father raised him and presumably loved him. That makes him his father. Mind your own business. Telling your father is petty and serves no useful purpose.
133
Loan agreements, arising from vast social policies and between vastly unequal bargaining parties, should not be treated as promises made between individual people. That is not what they're for. Their purpose is to enable the pursuit of broad social goals, to limit risks for lenders, and to allow lenders to seek recovery in law in case of default. It is the dumbest formalism not to recognize this obvious fact.
20
@Sean McCann Yeah, I know. I borrowed money from the bank, and instead of purchasing the car, took an expensive vacation, and then couldn't pay back the loan. Too bad for the bad bank and the depositors, whose money it actually was: what are they going to do, repossess my vacation? Hahahaha! Oh, or I could have behaved ethically and lived up to the terms of the legal contract I signed. (There may be other ways to help the sister than the unethical ones suggested, true?)
Is it good will after all these years? Of course you would never tell your father about this because underneath all your own pain about this you are competitive with your brother?
8
My father disapproved of me returning to complete my BA in my 30's because it would be an unnecessary "waste of money." I was divorced, a single parent, and had come out as a lesbian, all of these conditions were shameful in my father's eyes. I worked part-time, shared housing and child-care, and completed my degree in one-and-a-half years. Fortunately, my mother secretly sent me $35 every two weeks from her grocery money. It made all the difference. I highly recommend helping people however you can when they need help. Figure it out.
130
@janjamm
Your story illustrates a very important point - the unchosen/non-favorite child is often the one who has a lifestyle the parents don't approve of. I am the disinherited one, simply because I didn't chose the life my parents thought right. I respect siblings that can see beyond their parents' self-righteousness. My brother can't. The estranged child is often not willfully so....and the parental obligation is still valid, whether you like your children or not.
7
How cruel can you be. I suspect that this son is actually hoping that the father will disinherit his " brother" as well as his mother therefore leaving him more of the inheritance to him. Whetter that is true or not, It couldn't do other than cause pain to the father. I couldn't be more disgusted with the son and your "Ethical" answer tho the son's "SUSPICION", and not proven fact.
44
If your dad raised your sibling - half or not - then he should not be told. It would only benefit you if that's what you had in mind.
32
Re question #1, why would anyone do this to a frail old man whose death may be within sight? The father has not known for 82 years that his son may not be his birth son. How much pain would such knowledge cause him now and for the rest of his life? There is no way that this knowledge would be necessary nor welcome. I am very surprised at the ethicist’s recommendation.
34
@Stephanie - The dad is 82; let's say he's been unaware for 50(?) years.
2
Per LW1, information such as paternity could take months or years to process emtionally and hopefully come to a happy conlucsion. What if the father's initial reaction is negative and without time to process beyond the anger at his wife, dies with both the wife and son in question devestated by the father's reaction with no time to process to a happy and loving conclusion?
11
Lw1-Your father is old and frail. If he suspects and wants to know, he will ask. Show him respect and let him die in peace.
As far as DNA testing is concerned, if the sibling in question and you both get the test you’ll find out if you are full brothers or half brothers.
16
The "executor" should discuss this with the brother in question. If he isn't close enough to have this intimate conversation with his brother he certainly is in no position to consider interfering in his life in this way. If anyone, the brother is the one who should bring the subject up with his Dad. For all we know, he already has.
The other, kinder brother who wants to help his sister should do so but not by using his student loan money. Has he even calculated how much he'd actually end up paying back when all the interest has been added on? You can't discharge a student loan if you fall on illness or hard times. Help your sister, but don't put a ball and chain around your leg to do so.
6
@Todd Fox
No. It is not the brother's transgression or secret to tell his [not biological] father. None of the children have the right to tell that secret to their father.
It is the mother's/ex-wife's transgression and secret to tell her ex-husband. There is no kind or loving reason to tell the father now. It will not heal the family. It will destroy him.
Sometimes people self-righteously think that they're doing someone else a favor by unloading their guilt over their own misdeeds or lies onto the other person for the noble cause of truth and honesty. They're not. They're simply dumping their guilt and shame onto someone else who did nothing wrong. That's neither an apology, nor is it making amends to the wronged person. It's just selfish and cruel.
Some things are better left unsaid.
1
I cannot imagine what possible good it would do for anyone in that family should this "executor" tell his frail 82 year old father that his other son isn't his biological child.
One cannot assume he already "knows," and what difference would it make anyway? The man raised this child as his own, so he is every bit as much a real son as the guy who seems to think it would be OK to break his father's heart by telling him the truth.
It's not ethical to hurt one's parents in their final years with "truths" they can do without. Let sleeping dogs lie.
29
If he was raised by your father as his son, then he is your father's son. It's not your business.
61
Don't bother with the recommended legalistic runaround through your parents. Far from ethical, it actually smells more like money laundering. Just send her the money.
23
#1. Putting myself in the father's shoes, I'd wonder why everyone waited to tell me. Maybe "ethically" the father should be told but to me it sounds kinda mean.
#2. You have the money? You intend to pay back your student loans? Then help your sister, for heaven's sake!
-- The Practicalist
41
No. Let him go in peace. Anyway in his hearth, your brother IS his son.
25
This guy wants to take “extra” money from loans he doesn’t need and give it to his sister, who made less-frugal choices of her own free will.
First of all, the premise is stupid. He’s going to borrow money to give it away? Would you ever do that with another kind of debt? Would you take a $4000 cash advance against credit cards and give it away? No.
Second, it’s a clear violation of the student loan terms. It’s not “moral vs ethical.” It’s illegal. Just don’t.
Third, there’s no guarantee that he’s going to finish med school and make such big piles of money that an extra $16,000 plus interest means nothing to him.
If you really want to help your sister, finish school, be a doctor, pay off your small debt, and then pay off HER debt.
8
It is mindlessly cruel to tell the frail father that one of his children MAY not be his. How awful.
And is the letter writer hoping to have the brother then cut out of the will, leaving more for him? Very suspect.
Ethicist, you are completely wrong here.
55
What strikes me most about the first question is how damaging lies within a family can truly be. If the mother chose to keep such a dark secret, whatever her reasons ... which may have been completely justified at the time ... it was her duty to ensure that it remained a secret. Children should never be asked to bear the burden of keeping one parent's secrets from another.
30
LW1 doesn’t know with certainty about his brother’s paternity. He only knows his mother has led the rest of the family (sans dad) to question it. I do not think he has an obligation to tell his father anything, especially since he really doesn’t know the truth and may have a conflict of interest as the executor. BUT, I do think he has an obligation to pressure his mother to come clean to his father if indeed it is true. Mom has been manipulating everyone for years to her own benefit and this family will never heal if the issue doesn’t get settled between the mother and father. The sins of the mother should not be visited upon the children, but if the son persists in thinking this is his problem to solve, those sins will live on in the siblings’ relationships long after mom and dad are dead.
7
The answer to the father/son question baffles me. Why would you trouble an elderly man with that kind of suspicion? He has lived his life as a father to his son; the biology is no important today than years ago UNLESS the executor is trying to cut his brother out of the will, which is also cruel. The person who should decide what to disclose is the wife. But it’s too late now to avoid massive pain and disruption toward the end of the father’s life. Families are about very much more than blood. The ‘executor’ should leave well enough alone.
45
Concerning case one:
--I believe that a DNA test of the writer and the (half) brother could be done to determine if they are full siblings. If they are, case closed.
--If they are not, perhaps the family (including both "brothers") should consult on whether and how to tell the father? So as to get the perspectives of all who know the relationships well. (As other commentators have pointed out, the father probably knows/suspects already.)
2
The issue of telling the father that a son may not be his brings up the reality that total honesty is overrated. Those who claim it is the only ethical choice are denying the issues of context. What is to be gained by hurting someone by telling them something they don't really need to know (particularly at 82), they may not be able to handle and may cause great mental anguish. Sometimes the most ethical choice is to remain quiet and keep information to one's self. It's referred to as compassion.
Eclectic Pragmatism — http://eclectic-pragmatist.tumblr.com/
Eclectic Pragmatist — https://medium.com/eclectic-pragmatism
15
Concerning Question #2, I see no problem here. If the questioner gets money from the loan company, which he will eventually pay back with interest, and he also decides to give a gift to his sister AND IT IS NOT THE SAME ACTUAL MONEY, how is he violating his promise to the loan company?
6
@Chris NYC
By lying?
1
@Chris "Loan companies" do not lend money to students with no jobs or credit history. These are federally backed student loans funded by tax payers, most of whom never got to go to grad school. The student borrower signs a statement under pain of perjury stating that money is for student's own educational and living expenses. It is the same money - the brother does not have money to send to sister unless he takes a loan.
3
If the brother decides to give his sister a book, a piece of jewelry or a bottle of wine, is that stealing from the loan company? If he decides to give his sister his old car rather than selling it on Craigs List, is that stealing from the loan company? If he buys a plane ticket to visit her for the holidays, is that stealing from the loan company? If he buys a fancy watch for himself, is that stealing from the loan company?
When the student took out the loan, he signed the pledge in good faith and he wasn't trying to borrow extra money to give to his sister. Now that the loan is taken out, I see no reason why he can't live a normal life as long as he pays back the loan, and giving a financial gift to to his sister seems to me no different from these things. The alternative thing to do with the money he's saving by his new living arrangements would be to use it to pay back part of the principal of the loan. Probably the loan company would NOT prefer that, because their profit is made on the years of interest they will be collecting from him.
4
I recently discovered my mother was adopted. She is currently in her 80s and suffering from dementia. I have no intention of telling her. The other day, quite coincidentally, she revealed for the first time she always thought she was adopted but said it didn't matter because her parents were wonderful.
She has her own kept secret, however. One of my siblings has a different father. The other siblings all know it, and I believe he does too. The siblings have all agreed it was up to my mom to reveal the secret, which she never did. He is no less of a sibling to us, and he also was my parents' favorite child, so if my father suspected anything, it never was apparent.
I have heard so many similar stories from friends, it seems non-biological families are more common than one would think. What makes a family is undergoing sea change for many reasons already. With genetic testing exploding in popularity, these revelations will be normalized.
24
@Roxy
Maybe your mother's comment was not coincidental. Maybe it was something that remains clear in her mind as other thoughts are fading.
Imho, it would be kind, if she brings it up again, to confirm her long-held suspicion. Knowing the truth and knowing that she was right could help her hold on to the past for a little while longer.
Many adoptees sensed/knew that they were not their parents' biological children. Keeping the truth from them has no point. They deserve respect even when the mental faculties are fading.
2
@Liberty no.
7
@Liberty the mother is at peace, and you think she should be agitated? Why? For what good?
12
Re Question One, I did not see this response: if a person has raised a child as his own from birth beyond the age of two, that person is considered to be a parent, whether there is a legal adoption or no. (not sure if this applies in all states)
From the web: When the Non-Biological Father Is a Legal Parent
Under certain circumstances, a non-biological father is considered a legal parent. Legal parents have all the parental rights of a biological father or mother. You may be a legal parent if:
You adopted the child,
The child was born during your marriage to the mother,
or You signed the child’s birth certificate.
7
@Ann
A human being does not deserve to be diminished by laws made by men. No matter what "certificate" may have been signed in the past, the ancestors and their genes cannot be erased.
As many states are opening up birth records to adoptees, many thousands are paying to get copies of those documents. And as various DNA testing sites are available, many millions are paying to learn about their family history, their nationality, their genetic heritage.
Whatever a "legal parent" may be, s/he is not the bearer of the genes that govern the looks, behavior, talents, attributes, physical qualities, etc., etc., etc. of the adopted child. Every person has a right to any information available to her/him.
2
Forgot to add: So check with the laws of state your brother was born in (family law attorney can help). If there might be a problem, the senior father may actually want to adopt him!
3
They may have a right to know if they want to, but there is no obligation to inform them if they haven’t asked
5
Regarding the first question ... which sounds like a financially motivated splitting of heirs. My mother used to say "Sometimes it's better to be kind than right." I say it's ALWAYS better to be kind with fragile loved ones.
41
@Micki Suzanne
In one sentence you question the trustworthiness of the man's son, the executor of his estate, but in another sentence you take his word for the father's fragility.
Maybe he's not so fragile. Maybe learning the truth about a matter the rest of the family has seen fit to lie about for years/decades will restore his vigor.
It's never "kind" to lie and take part in a charade, a mockery of the truth.
@Liberty
I was at the other end of this situation. In my 20s I learned my father was not my father and I was DEVASTATED.
Learning your life is a lie, that the memories you have and the people you love are not what or who you think they are is traumatizing.
If I was devastated in my 20s, how would it feel to have my world rocked in my 80s?
I don't need additional information to know this information could destroy the father.
13
---In regards to the first question, while I would generally always favor truth over deception, I'd have to say that not telling the father the truth, at this advanced stage, and given his health circumstances, would be the kindest and likely most proper decision.
In regards to the second question...sending the sister the money is absolutely the proper decision, in my mind, and it should be done not only without any guilt, but with pride in sharing with family a kindness that would make that siblings life instantly better. The lender, or (us) taxpayers, will survive the deceit. Doing what's personally right would supersede any small moral, legal wrong, in my mind. Family first.
19
@Scratching
When you're 82, you might feel differently about truth vs. deception.
Maybe the family's deception has contributed to the man's fragile state, if that is even a truthful description of his situation. The letter writer lied about another important part of the father's life; maybe he's lying about the fragility, too.
Learning the truth about what he probably suspected could add years to the old man's life. Writing a new will and appointing a new executor could add more years.
Or it could ruin the short time he has left. Would you be willing to stake his life on suddenly insisting on the ‘truth’ after all these years? I wouldn’t.
13
why would you choose to break your father's heart? I'd examine your need to cause harm.
15
I'm commenting on the brother and sister. I'm going to guess that the writer feels pretty bad about this arrangement. Favoritism seems to be at work here and the brother feels it keenly. I think he needs to come clean with his parents, find out really why they're doing this and gently let them know how he feels. But before he takes any action at all, he should speak with his sister and tell her how he feels. That may be more healing for both of them than sending her $$ and certainly he needs to know what she thinks! She needs to hear his love and guilt, and he needs to say it! He can then decide to speak to his parents or not. If they are intractable, he should give some real thought to moving out. In the long run, it's how we handle our feelings that makes us stronger and better people, and BTW, better doctors. He can achieve his goals on his own, and may feel much better about doing so.
11
@EFdiamond Thoughtful comment, but I just wanted to point out that nowhere is there an indication that the medical student is male. I read the whole thing as if it was a female (also not indicated), and when I read your comment I thought, "What brother?"
I agree the siblings should talk about this, but I tend to think the discussion - if that's the "solution" - will do a lot more for the medical student than the PhD candidate, and ultimately they are both harmed by the parents' unfair treatment of them.
8
@mooster funny, I had the same reaction! I assumed the new student was female.
2
What makes you think this is a brother and sister? There is nothing in the story that indicates the medical student is a male.
6
I’m inclined to disagree with Mr. Appiah in the “not his son” question. I’m usually a champion of truth, this should have been disclosed many years ago, but what’s to be gained by disclosing it now? The father is old and frail, and perhaps death is on the horizon. Though we know nothing about his relationship with his non-son, I’d assume there are good feelings between them.
The mention of executor by the questioner, the real son, in the very first sentence suggests that Dad’s estate is very much on his mind, and I’d opine that he would get a bigger slice of the pie if Dad wrote the non-son out of his will. If Dad were now told the truth, it might not sour his feelings toward the boy, but it might. One way or the other he’d be confronted with at least somewhat upsetting news; I can hardly imagine that he’d jump for joy simply because he now knew the truth. (This might be different if he’d long harbored that suspicion and been troubled by it, so he might be relieved that they were coming clean with him.) But truth for truth’s sake has no particular value. Being truthful in most things is of great value for many reasons; it reflects trustworthiness, it provides relief, it allows for preparedness. In this case cui bono? As I see it, the only possible benefit would be financial gain for the executor/questioner. He would be acting seemingly ethically for immoral reasons. Bottom line: if Dad’s not suffering for ignorance, leave him in peace.
25
@gbdoc
Cui bono? The man who has been the victim of his family's deception and of his wife's unfaithfulness.
The son asks if his father "deserves" the truth. Why would he not? He's the only blameless one in this nasty tale.
But is equally possible that the truth will hurt him. Does he “deserve“ that?
12
Re: Paternity. I was confronted with a similar situation. I random paternity test was done between me and my two sons. The purpose of the test was to determine ethno genealogy. I perceived some discrepancies in the results. There should have been genetic equality between the two siblings. There wasn't. This was in the early days of genetic testing.
I discussed with the one son the possibility of other paternity than me. I told him I had no objections if he wanted to query his mother concerning his paternity. (We were divorced over 10 years).
I informed him, if he did question his mother or found out by other means I was not his biological father that I need not be informed. He would always be my "biological" son. Up to that time, I had, as a single parent, raised him and his brother.
Twenty years later I do not know what information was forthcoming. Only, this article casually reminded me of the "question"
19
@First Last
Actually siblings are not always exact matches in terms of geno ethology or anything else.
Their genes come from the same parents but each child is the result of individual sperm and ova.
Genetically, there are differences between all the sperm or ova that a person produces. Each person has 2 non-identical copies of each chromosome (one from each of their parents) and only 1 copy winds up in a given sperm/ovum. There is more detail to this, consult a genetics textbook.
4
@Louisa. Thanks for the information. I later became aware of this and long before this information was available I had completely forgotten any questions concerning paternity.
you are wrong on both. an 82 year old man does not need the burden of knowing that the child he has loved and cared for for 55 or 60 years MAY or even probably not be his natural son. this is no time to disrupt such a relationship, and the upset whatever the outcome is irrevocable.
and with respect to the thrifty medical student he is merely doing the bookkeeping, taking a part of the money he has saved but does not actually possess and transferring it to a sister who does.
26
@carol ras - The medical student has not "saved" the money he/she proposes to give the sister; he/she has received it as a loan to cover expenses of medical school. We know nothing about why the parents are not supporting their other child or the family dynamic (although it is clear the medical student is the favorite child). If the med student really wants to help, he/she can take out a loan for the sister AFTER discussing with her whether she would want it. Or perhaps the grad student could take out her own loan, with the sibling as a co-signer.
1
Is DNA the only real factor of being a father? Was the father a parent to the son? Did he love, weep and struggle as parents do? Did he teach his son how to be an adult?
What would be the point of telling the father that his son is not biologically his son? What is the reasoning for such a disclosure? What are the expected results?
What makes a father? A mother?
This notion of biological roots is rooted in the patriarchial system of ownership and legacy. This family has far more serious issues to deal with then telling 82 year old dad that his son is chemically derived.
59
Definitely do not share this modern 'truth'. I would not want to know. I don't believe ALL DNA tests are correct.
Let the old man be, he has little left in time, memory, energy.
Let sleeping dogs lie, comes to mind.
I never had biological children, but highly value my existing 62 year long relationship with a non adopted step daughter.
She is my family regardless of science.
I love her as my own.
81
@Randy I agree with your thought that the son should keep his mouth shut.
But a DNA test will determine with COMPLETE CERTAINTY whether or not he is the biolgical father.
3
I agree with your view that the elderly father be told about the brother, if his health allows for the surprise. The dad may be relieved, because at some level, he likely suspected, and may feel guilty about his feelings toward that child. I come from a family that hid secrets about who fathered whom. Offspring who were reluctant to explore the truth later found that they were relieved to know. Somehow, they had always known.
2
I was chastised for sharing information with my father, as he lay dying in the nursing home. He was on life support and very frail. His brother had died a few weeks before. We handled the funeral, waiting for many days until all of the family could arrive for the memorial service. I didn’t tell my father right away because he couldn’t attend; nor did i want him to be alone on the day of the funeral. So I waited. The nursing home staff accused me of hastening his death by telling him. My family thought I was cruel to tell him at all. No one encouraged me. As I walked into his room, I was alone with the rest of them hanging out in the hallway, waiting to rush in and revive a frail old man barely clinging to life because a ventilator pumped his lungs. When I told my father, he was surprised but not about the death of his brother (who was a late stage alcoholic he had rescued many times). Instead he told me of a dream he’d had that his brother had come to him and lovingly told him that “Everything is OK.” Apparently in the dream my uncle was carrying a large jar under his arm and Dad ordered why. It was proof enough for both of us that my uncle had paid a visit becuse his body had been cremated. It’s not easy to tell the truth to someone you love, especially if you worry it will hurt them, or even kill them, but I would rather honor their rights to self determination.
15
@Kathy M
Telling someone that his brother died is very different than telling someone his entire life may have been a lie and everyone knew the secret except him.
You were coming from a place of respect for your father. The LW wants to unburden his own guilt and maybe get a bigger slice of the inheritance.
8
@Claudia L
LW2 states the sister is not frivolous. and even if she were, who among us has always made the right choices at the right time? Even if the sister has in some way offended the parents; needed medical care, safe housing and food are basic human rights, to which her brother is entitled, perhaps obligated, to contribute.
Loan ethics? that's a laugh in today's society—look at any banker or politician, or more relevant here, student most of whom spend hundreds per month on beer, drugs, etc.
But don't send cash in the mail. Send her checks, or just pay her bills, and be proud of being a decent human being—a dwindling breed.
113
@wschloss Some other (imaginary) person's bad behavior does not justify our own unethical breaking of a contract because because it is convenient.
1
Maybe not, but even our president is a thief. He bilked thousands of dollars from contractors - working class people - while making millions himself, and that is not imaginary.
Look at what happened at Wells Fargo and all the loan officers who opened fake accounts in their clients’ names. And that is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to the thievery that goes on in this country. Why should he worry about the morality of helping out someone who is struggling, buy means of a very minor deceit?
Do you never exceed the speed limit? I suggest that as a litmus test before preaching to others.
5
@dj What a childish and self-serving argument. I don't see how someone else's bad behavior justifies mine. I don't drive so, no, I don't speed, but if i was stopped for speeding, the argument "everyone else is speeding" will not have any effect - I will still deserve - and get - a ticket.
2
The first letter writer stands to benefit from a possible change in his father's will if father chooses to exclude brother upon learning he may not be biological father. The writer is not a disinterested party, and being executor has no standing while father is living. That the mother would plant doubt about her child's paternity among all her children makes me think she is interested in hurting her ex-husband.
Med student leaves out important information. Unless there is a prior student loan default or student's full financial need has been met the sister should be eligible for a loan - though perhaps not as large as she would like. Unlike other commenters, I would not presume parents favor one child over other. They may well have paid for two undergrad educations and then said you can live at home for grad school but we are done with tuition. I presume sister is over 26 if she is not on her parents' health plan (thank you Obama) and at some point we each must be responsible for four financial choices.. Anyone with multiple chronic medical conditions should think long and hard before going on a student health plan.
The med student should not lie on his student loan application. He should complete his degree and once working is free to assist his sister with her expenses and her student loan repayment. She will need it, and it will be a lot more than $4,000 per year.
12
What am I missing here? The “extra” $4000 he is taking in loans is presumably presented as his living expenses— to the lender in his application. If he is not using the money for that purpose; he does not need it because his parents are not charging rent, has he misrepresented his living expenses on the loan application or overstated his need?
I suppose he could justify possibly lying on the loan application by stating that the lender assumes a certain level of living expenses. But you are never obligated to accept the maximum amount the lender will provide to you. And if these are federally subsidized or guaranteed loans, he potentially costs the taxpayer if he ever defaults on the loans.
11
Letter 1: Why term the mother "unfaithful"? The "brother in question" could be the result of rape, coercion, or abuse, in which case the mother is blameless.
70
@Judith Hoffmann---Perhaps "unfaithful" was an unfortunate wording, however...I believe that was what was strongly inferred by the writer, and had the brothers paternity been the product of "rape, coercion, or abuse", etc., the writer would have likely stated that.
3
I saw that too and thought it was an unfounded and judgmental accusation. None of us know the circumstances so let's not judge the woman. that would be sexist.
4
@Judith Hoffmann
Thank you for making this point. I came here every to do the same thing. Unless additional information was removed from the original, I find the diction “unfaithful” to be presumptuous.
3
Again, as is the case almost every week now, we are treated to yet another letter (#1) from people who know, or think they know, something that may have negative impacts on the lives of others. While the writer this time is not as smug as some, we again are drawn back to the old truism about letting sleeping dogs lie.
When did we become such busybodies, believing that's it's our duty or, worse, "right" to tell the world the private pasts, secrets and peccadilloes of parents, siblings or others? In almost every case we are presented with in this column, people need to just mind their own business and butt out!
161
@George S
Could not agree with your comment more, George! I simply don't understand people who do not honor the privacy of other people and feel that they ALONE are called upon to act in a situation which is private. We have a big problem knowing what private should be about these days in over-sharing on social media. I don't use social media and don't respond to those who do. Nice to see that there are some people who remain who truly have a grasp on the larger picture. People believe exactly what they want to believe-true or false. And what is to be said about a man who has no DNA with his son and yet raised him his ENTIRE life as his son? Is THAT man NOT his father?--more than the one who was never at all in his life except for a "private" moment?
57
Amazing how cavalier (some/many) people are when it comes to a human being's RIGHT to know what others know about him/her. They dismiss DNA, family history, genealogy, birth records, et al. as if they don't matter at all.
To those who prefer lies and secrecy to truth and reality, I recommend a wonderful book by Robert Plomin, published by MIT Press.
https://www.amazon.com/Blueprint-How-DNA-Makes-Press-ebook/dp/B07K9KXVM5/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1543446884&sr=8-1&keywords=blueprint+how+dna+makes+us+who+we+are%2C+plomin
@Liberty
LW1 writes, “My brother MAY NOT [emphasis added] be his child...”.. There is, therefore, nothing certain about this case. We may debate some of the “rights” you allude to, but even accepting your position, that would not, logically or morally, extend to supposition, feeling, belief, etc. You may be causing harm or creating false beliefs on som5ing that may not even be true.
29
@George S
Agree with George. Not only that, but if anyone has the responsibility for disclosure, bad relations or not, it's the ex-wife, not the son.
5
@George S
The old man is the victim of a wife who made a cuckold of him and of his other children who joined her in making a fool of him.
What should be done? Those who have harmed the victim with their actions and their lies should tell him the truth. The idea that they should continue the charade because he's old is disgusting.
They obviously know that. Why would the letter writer bring his family's lies to an ethicist? What did he think an ethicist would say? That there is no need to tell the truth and beg forgiveness?
2
You don't owe your sister anything.
2
@Mary Poppins
He is an honorable young man. He loves his sister. She is going through a difficult time. He wants to help her. He has funds available to do so, but he may violate a legal agreement if he does. He sought reasonable advice as to how he can honor both his desire to help someone he loves and honor a legal commitment. He does not deserve your callous dismissal.
10
@Mary Poppins
True, none of us "owe" anybody anything. However, some of us value kindness and generosity, and also believe that what goes around, comes around. "Mary Poppins" is an odd tag for someone who doesn't believe in getting involved in other people's problems.
4
@Mary Poppins
It's not a question of owing or not owing to her sister. Would one like his or her sibling suffer in misery while at university or colleges pondering on the issues that concern us or solving mathematical problems (among others) or would you help them, if you could, so they thrive intellectually?
What a perspective you have offered? Cold and indifferent and devoid of empathy. Sorry for my frank reading of your comment. My apologies!
4
NW1: While everyone in your family seems certain that your brother is a step brother, there is a possiblity that he is indeed your father's son. Blabbing this uncertainty to you father at this stage seems dubious at best.
While this is a little deceitful, it should be relatively easy to clandestinely collect some of you brother's and father's hair from a comb or brush and have the DNA test done. Once certainty is assured one way or the other, you can make your decision.
3
@Ron The DNA useful for testing would only be in the root of the hair, not in hair that came out in a brush. Hair from follicle might contain mitochondrial DNA, but maternal line is not the issue here. And yes, testing two relatives without their permission is deceitful and very likely illegal.
26
@Ron A stepbrother is when a parent remarries. This would be a half brother biologically speaking.
3
No no no!! It is not ethical at all to test another person's DNA without their consent!
7
Lw2: yes LW2 got a loan for expenses, and most others would have used up all the money and then some, but Lw2 has husbanded the loan with extreme care, saving as much as possible by residing with parents. Given that the determination of LW2 to contain expenses is directly related to the in-kind help provided by parents, I see no dilemma at all in sharing the "in-kind" benefits of free board with the struggling sister. And if the sister has medical problems al the more reason to help her. It is unfortunate the parents will not; but I think LW2 is doing the most ethical thing possible in this situation.
LW1: nothing like waiting until someone is apparently on his death bed to give distressing news!
It WAS shameful that the "issue" wasn't shared at a less stressful period; as the Ethicist indicates, the whole bunch treated him as less than a person. But what is this really about now? Who is this really about? How will this make the father's quality of life better?
31
Regarding the first letter--how did this information even come out?
If no DNA test was ever done, the only person who could
have said with any certainty that the brother was not the father's biological child was Mom.
Mom had an affair, Mom had a child by her lover, Mom passed off the child of her lover as the biological offspring of her husband, and Mom told all her kids while making them promise never to tell Dad.
Dad has gotten the short end of the stick--you might say made of fool of--for a long time, with Mom leading the parade.
Leave him alone. Let him think what he thinks, know what he knows--which may be a lot more than you realize--without forcing a frail, 82 year old man to acknowledge many things that could well be painful and humiliating for no good reason.
159
@Talbot
He deserves the truth. He doesn't have to "acknowledge" anything to the people who spent years/decades lying to him. As we mammals approach our final days, things that seemed important in the past become insignificant, but the truth about our parents, our spouses, our children remains important to the last breath. To continue the charade they've all been part of is horrible. Cruel.
And for the letter writer to talk about being the executor of the old man's will is adding insult to injury. He should not be trusted to execute his father's will. He and his mother and his siblings are all liars. The old man has a right to know the truth about all of them while there's still time to write a new will and entrust it to a new lawyer and a new executor.
(To those who think the liars should profit from their lies: I hope you get what you deserve.)
3
@Liberty Holy cow, that's a scathing damnation of a delicate situation. The mother lead the team of kids on this one, so she is the only one accountable. As other replies state, I suspect the father already knows.
12
@Liberty. WOW. That’s a difficult take. Do we ever get “what we deserve?”
Don’t think there is enough info to even venture into the land of judgement here. Is there anything to be gained by any party? Is there anything to be lost? And I’m not talking money.
6
The parents’ help to the son is passive: letting him live in a room they already own. He luckily was able to go to medical school in his hometown. The sister would surely have been offered the same arrangement if her Ph.D. program was also in her hometown, so I see no sexism here. I also see no obligation for parents, even well-off ones, to fund graduate school. I feel differently about medical care, which I view as a human right. The son should talk with his parents about his sister’s inadequate care and work together to solve it. Perhaps he can suggest they pay for her insurance now, and he will take over the payments when he gets his first job?
17
@Kelly Wilke Or, if the son is as obligated by the 'human right' of health care for his sister, he could obtain a personal loan and pay for it, obligating only himself - if he feels that strongly about it.
1
How do you know that the child at home as a sun? Nothing in this story indicates that it is a male
@dj I don't know that i makes material difference in assessing the ethics, but I concede that point.
Wow, I think The Ethicist needs to go back to ethics school for a refresher course, given his responses to these two letters! LW#1 has no business revealing anything about his brother's possible parentage without the brother's explicit permission -- period. All of the other considerations mentioned take a backseat to this. Just because you're a relative doesn't give you permission to violate someone's privacy. LW#2 signed a legally binding loan agreement. Her desire to help her sister out financially doesn't make it ethical to use her loan funds illegally. Would you encourage her to cheat on her taxes in order to give money to her sister?
61
@SML
Nonsense. The father has a right to know that a person he has been led to believe is his child is not his child at all.
His son should show his father the respect he deserves, even though the rest of the family does not show him the respect he is entitled to.
2
@SML
I don't think the Ethicist is suggesting that LW1 reveal it without a DNA test on the brother, which would require the brother's permission.
1
@Robert
The half-brother knows he is not the old man's son. He should volunteer to take a DNA test and show the old man the results.
The mother should explain to her former husband and to all the children why she withheld the truth.
Did she allow the old man to support the other man's son? There are many angles that need straightening out: the will and its executors, the lawyer and all others who colluded in the deception, the real father's opinion, etc.
Letter No. 1: Having learned this secret will not do the father any good when he is dead, and the revelation could create a variety of conflicts, for the father during his remaining time and for others for many years. The time to have raised the issue would have been years ago, when everyone would have been able to work out their relationships. Now is the time to let it go, and if the LW feels guilty about having kept this secret, it is time for him to forgive himself.
94
@NeilG1217
Forgive himself for lying to his father? Whatever happened to "Honor thy father and thy mother?"
And he intends to keep on lying by acting as executor of a will that was made by the victim of his lies?
Amazing.
@Liberty Whether or not the other son is the biological son of the father, the fact remains that the son was treated as the legal offspring of the father and it certainly would not be fair to that son to be treated any differently -- the son should not be held responsible for the mistakes of the mother. Both of my brothers' first wives got pregnant while still married to my brothers and in both instances my brothers became aware of the infidelities before the children were born but each nevertheless decided to treat the children as their own legal offspring even knowing they were not their biological offspring (and in each case, the actual biological fathers were unwilling or unable to take on parental responsibilities). How the father in this case would react to such information is impossible for us readers to know but it strikes me as pointless under the circumstances to inform him now and to my point of view greedily self-serving for the son who is the executor to reveal the information in what on the surface seems to serve no other purpose than to try to get daddy to disinherit the other son simply because mommy apparently fooled around decades earlier.
11
@Fred W. Hill
Agree that it's impossible for us to know what's really going on. It could be that the letter writer is eager to make amends for the years/decades of deception. He wants to tell his father the truth before it's too late. Executing the will of someone he's lied to may be the last straw.
To the letter writer: tell your father the truth. Let him have the satisfaction of knowing he was right to think you all are liars.
Few men can be as completely confident of their paternity as can women be of their maternity - perhaps Voltaire had this in mind when he declared that doubt is an unpleasant condition but certainty an absurd one.
6
I think by the writer introducing himself as 'the executor of my father's will' rather than a son or brother it does bring into question his motives. I would like to know more about his brother's relationship with the father. Are they close? Does the shared DNA really matter at this point? I tend to agree that the truth is the best option in most cases but if there's a chance of the father disinheriting a son he is otherwise close to wouldn't this lead to unnecessary resentments and hurt, especially between the two brothers?
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@Lisa Watters I doubt the father would disinherit his "son" who is blamless and wiht whom he has shared at least some relationship. The wife on the other had is another matter. Seems like everyone in the family is covering up to protect mom, not the brother or father.
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Getting rejected from federal loans means you’re a felon or a similarly strong reason for the decline. Does LW2’s sister have prior issues managing loans and money?
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@Claudia L I was baffled about this offhand comment by the LW, as well. Also, why are the well-to-do parents stiffing one child and indulging the other, for no stated reason? There's more to this story than the LW is willing to share, meaning that accurate advice can't realistically be given. I think the Ethicist really whiffed on this problem.
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@Sundevilpeg and Claudia L--It's very possible the sister was not granted a loan because she has numerous (apparently significant) medical problems. Yes, unfortunately, she might be considered a "bad risk" as far as paying off the loans because her health might not allow her to work as long as a "healthy" person, in which case the loan would be harder to repay, especially if she has to go on disability. Yes, lenders do take everything into consideration--including poor health. It's a business. It also doesn't mean they don't discriminate. I wouldn't be so quick to disparage the sister.
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The " questionable " Brother: What possible good can come from testing OR spilling the beans, now ??? Perhaps the letter writer is looking to increase his inheritance. Or, just being an extreme busybody.
Seriously.
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@Phyliss Dalmatian
These are human beings, not beans to be spilled or worms in a can.
As to being a busybody or watching over an inheritance? What's wrong with either of those?
Odd to think it's okay to tell lies and keep secrets from the man who has a right to the truth.
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@Phyliss Dalmatian That's the kind of judgement that comes from someone never having been in such a situation and having not considered the emotions involved in such a situation.
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@Liberty
No. Telling a frail father that his entire relationship with a son was a "lie" is cruel and needless. There is no time for the father to work through a possibly traumatic piece of news and perhaps establish a new relaitonship with a son he once loved. Not to mention his opinion of his wife. The pain it would cause the half brother to be "outed" without his permission is obvious and extreme. The mother stands judged at this late date in her life, and she may have had her own reasons for what she did. Telling on her is disrespect of the highest order to somebody who raised him in good faith.
The upheaval this news would cause in everybody's life goes without saying. There's no moral imperative to reveal a (possible untrue) "fact" and become the self-appointed executor of truth --- despite the pain and harm it leaves in its wake --- as well as of the will.
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Med Student, she’s your sister - about 1,000 times closer to your kindness than a government loan technicality. Ethicists who fail to appreciate the proper role of selfishness, to the benefit or ourselves and ours, do not understand the way the world works - and needs to work.
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@Charlierf We certainly live in a time and place that appreciates the role of selfishness, but that does not make it right, or ethical. There are other sources of income available - like employment...
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@Charlierf By "technicality", I suppose you mean "contract"?
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@Roger I think administrative assistance means she works for the school while also pursuing her Ph.D. full-time. Working another job may not be allowed by her program, as well as impossible on a practical basis.
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LW1. In most states, the child of married persons is considered their child. The time for a DNA test has long expired. Your brother is your brother legally.
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@Juanita K.
The old man has a right to know the truth about his life. Why was the truth withheld from him? Why the reluctance to bring some peace to his final days?
Does the real father of the boy/man know he has a son, or did the woman lie to him, too?
This family needs help. More help than a newspaper columnist can offer (although I agree with Kwame's answer).
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@Juanita K.
No, the time for truth never expires. Take a look at adoption message boards. You might be surprised to read posts by people in their 80s still yearning/begging for any scrap of information about their real parents.
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And you sometimes see messages from people who gave up their children for adoption.
But neither is the case here. If the brother in question wants to know if the man he knows as father is his biological father, he can have his DNA tested along with one of his other brothers and find out that way. Telling the father at this stage of the game is little more than cruelty.
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If you want to help your sister then do so. There is no if or buts about it.
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I am highly suspicious of the first letter writer's concerns. Sounds to me like he would only be opening a can of worms in hopes of getting his brother disinherited so he gets more! And there is a good chance he is wrong so he could be hurting a lot of people.
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Sister: Forget the ethics/morals conflict. Your " well off " Parents refuse to help your clearly suffering Sister. Absent a huge backstory, this is nasty misogyny, at the least. They've gifted you many thousands of Dollars in free rent. Send your Sister untraceable Cash, by snail Mail, weekly or every other week. I've sent Relatives Fifty or One Hundred Dollars as gifts or just to help out, for years. Not once has the money gone missing. Surely it's better to send it to your Sister, than what most students would spend
" extra " money for: parties and drinking. Best wishes.
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I think the rush to label this misogyny is unfounded and offensive. I am a man, and my sister has been favoured over me for our entire lives. I don't think anybody would think this is proof of misandry absent other info. I certainly don't. (I call it bad parenting-- manifest unequal treatment of siblings can sow the seeds of discord among siblings.)
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@Phyliss Dalmatian Absent a back-story it is nothing of the sort. That they have their reasons for not giving support during her PhD program implies NOTHING, not excepting the misogyny you have invented.
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You are the exception that highlights the rule. Congratulations.
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Always tell the truth.
People have a right to know who their parents are and who their children are.
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@Liberty Not that I necessarily disagree, but how are those rights; conferred by what?
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@Liberty LW#1 clearly has a vested monetary interest in "the truth" here. Does he have the "right" to hijack his brother's inheritance? I don't think so. That's the real ethical question here.
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@Roger
Imho, the right to know our parents and children are "conferred" by our ancestors. Part of our genetic heritage.
Those rights are part of various legal codes, of course, but they would never have been included in such laws if they had not been understood long before.
A starting point:
https://www.crin.org/en/home/rights/convention/articles/article-7-name-and-nationality
Why would you do that to an 82-year-old man who has believed your brother to be his son all his life? I would hate to think it has anything to do with his will and your own potential gain if he turned (in what agony we may guess) against your brother, God forbid. Your family has apparently kept this unproven possibility from him until now without feeling impelled to visit their suspicions on him; I can't imagine what your brother would make of telling him of it, but nothing good. Pain all 'round, and for what? Pain and a possible change of will? Loss of love? Anger over past events? If you have to know, then have DNA tested for you and your brother, if he will. That will tell you, and is the least you can do before putting these painful questions in your aged father's mind. I'd say don't tell him either way, but certainly if you have to know, you don't have to involve him to find out.
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Back when I got a student loan, the lender forwarded the funds directly to the university to pay for tuition. The student never "got" the money. The lenders didn't want students to be able to access the funds. How much you want to bet that's still the way it's done? Of course, if the lender sends $4,000 to the university for the writer's tuition, that could mean the writer has $4,000 available for other uses, such as helping his sister.
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@JM This is only true for the portion of the loan that is meant to cover the tuition. The portion that is intended to cover room, board and other living expenses is paid to the student by the university via check or direct deposit.
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@JM When I got loans for grad school, a check was cut directly to me, not the school.
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Regarding the second writer, there's something funky here. If the parents can afford to let the medical student live rent-free, why aren't THEY sending $4,000 a year to the sister?
Maybe they don't have it, and their only wealth is their house. That's certainly possible.
But the fact that the letter writer doesn't even raise the issue of whether they've been asked, and their response if so, makes me suspicious.
They appear to be loving parents willing to support their medical-student child. Why would they NOT support their PhD student child?
My main concern is that if the medical student is taking something worth $25,000 or more from the parents, he or she is ALREADY in debt... to the parents.
So they should have some sort of say as to whether the student goes into deeper debt to support the sibling.
They have financial leverage: If they disapprove, they can always ask the medical student to move out.
So the missing piece of the puzzle is the stance of the parents. Until that's known, it's not possible to give good advice.
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@TJ I think you missed where the letter said, "My parents . . . who are well off, are unwilling to help her right now."
Perhaps they do not approve of the Ph.D. program that the daughter is involved with. Many Ph.Ds cannot get academic jobs these days, and, depending on the subject matter of the Ph.D., the degree ends up being money down the drain. I am currently enrolled in a Ph.D. program because I need it to progress in my current job; my sister-in-law who recently finished a Ph.D. is back doing the same job that she had before she spent 4 years out of work pursuing her Ph.D, with no increase in pay. She was unable to pursue the academic position that she had hoped to get with the Ph.D, and it does not help her in her current role. So the parents might have valid concerns depending on the sister's future plans. If they think this is an expensive diversion, they may not be interested in helping fund it.
FWIW, many Ph.D. students obtain part-time employment. I wonder why she is not doing that. I am working full-time while pursuing mine, although that may not be feasible for her depending on the discipline.
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@TJ
I agree. There's more to the story, we need to know why the parents would help the son so generously and refuse to help the daughter at all. If it's sexism - they consider his career inherently more important - or if they're simply playing favorites, or they're punishing her for displeasing them in some way, then I would agree the son should take some steps to help her if he can. But maybe there's some other reason - like she has been financially irresponsible in the past. Just speculation, but as you say, this is the crucial missing information in the story.
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@TJ, I knew a family in which a dysfunctional situation of a malignant narcissist and enablement resulted in gross disparities in treatment of the children all their lives. One was rewarded, one ignored, and one the scapegoat. To their credit, the siblings at least attempted to help one another, although the relationships were troubled. But lesser degrees of favoritism exist, too. Our idea that parents always seek to treat children equitably or fairly is not always right.
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I very much enjoy your column!
In the first inquiry, since there has been no definitive declaration from the mother, and no DNA test, it seems a strictly philosophical question, not an actionable one. And the merit of such proving would seem to be worthless.
Unless, the executor brother has a murky motivation to winnow the receiving pool for the eventual inheritance?
In the second inquiry, your answer amounts to a kind of morally squeaky money laundering, doesn't it? It also puts the parents in the position of collaboration in subverting their own decision regarding the sister (i.e. not to help her right now) as well as a workaround of the letter (and spirit) of the loan agreement. I would advise that if he can't live with just giving his sister the money and that's that, then he could "hire" her to proofread, or some other task, and pay her $4,000 per year for services. I think he is fraught over very little.
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