A Cornucopia of Grandparents

In my extended family, ex-spouses even attended next weddings! We were all people who took folks as they were without judgement. "Things sometimes change" we built into our children's basic understanding. Fortunately I guess we had no "bad ones" among the exes. And nobody gave up on anyone after a divorce. MORE grandparents are like the fruits of the cornicopia: they make up the "village" that raises a child.

Excellent article by Paula!! As always . Appreciate this , as a child of divorce... as a divorced (and remarried)mom and grandma . The more love, the merrier .

As always a thoughtful piece on how to navigate our later years - grandparents or not. The importance of compromise, flexibility, sharing and generosity are put to the test by choosing the welfare of children over jealousy and possessiveness. The article and comments illustrate some of the basics we learned in Kindergarten- works well with others, sharing, etc. Not always an easy task. Thanks Paula for the primer on surviving today's new meaning of family.

Dear 'Concerned Citizen', you must just be a bundle of joy to be around. We must have rules! Just two, no more! This is the biology! Well, surprise! People are messy, families more so. And in the best of them, there is love and kindness and acceptance...none of which cares one hoot about your rules.

Excellent piece Paula Span. It would be interesting to follow up with what happens as the cute little toddlers and these gaggles of doting youngish grandparents age. I'd like ton see who stays engaged, empathetic and supportive as kids become complicated, self-focused teens and grandparents become needier, less mobile and, well, aged. My guess is that parents in the middle, as usual, will be bear the brunt of care taking and liaising for all of them.

Thank you, Paula, for another column that perfectly sums up what I experience, as well as what I see around me. My first grandchild was born in April, with the traditional 2 sets of grandparents as well as 3 living great-grandmothers. Both longer lives and the re-combining of families have contributed to this. The relatives are spread from California to Canberra, Australia and I like to believe that we each have the chance to add richness. It isn’t a competition - it takes a village!

Another spot-on column from Paula Span. We just returned from our granddaughter’s birthday party, and as always, I felt as welcomed and loved as her “real” grandmothers. The key, I think, has been developing a decent relationship with my daughter-in-law.

As someone who has worked with seniors, I'm profoundly grateful to Paula Span for bringing attention to these issues. Elder folk in our society are sidelined too often and articles like these show us how vital they are to a rich family life. As an immigrant to this country, I'm always sad that my child doesn't get to meet one set of grandparents as much as she should, and also grateful that she has such a close relationship with the ones that live here. The interactions with elders is invaluable for children--so more the merrier I say.

Great article, Paula Span! Once you again you've written a column about exactly the thing people around me are grappling with! You sure do have your finger on the pulse of grandparent-dom! (Or should I say Bubbe-dom!)

Good article! As someone who is dating men with adult children and hoping one day to partner, I hadn't really ever considered that my future may include the possibility of being defined as a grandparent. Neat!

I am profoundly grateful for Paula Span’s insightful columns on aging and grand parenting. This essay resonates because my granddaughter (now 6 and a half) and grandson (now 21 months) are my step-grands, my stepdaughter’s children. They are, however, my ONLY grandchildren and I am crazy about them. Husband and I lived 2 hours away when we learned of the first impending birth; we now live 10 minutes away so we could be involved and helpful. Son-in-law’s parents live 8 hours away, so maybe visit 3-4 times a year. Their mom’s mom lives closer (2 hours) doesn’t see them much either. I especially appreciated the column because part of me has been self-conscious about my “step-grand” status and the column has normalized it for me. THANK YOU. Granddaughter is old enough now to put relationships together. She knows my husband is her mom’s father, etc. But she sure hasn’t called me out on my grandma status - LOL. I have been honored and touched that my stepdaughter and SIL embraced me fully as a grandma from day one. Even so, I don’t ever take this acceptance for granted. My Son-in-law’s mother is an artist and a crafter. His parents have an RV. So that’s exciting for the kids. WE can’’t offer much in the way of crafts activities, we have no farm, . but we do offer time, attention, smiles, hugs, and local outings (sometimes with the family, occasionally granddaughter alone. ) Even absent excitement, though, like Paula, we will “be around.”

My kids have six grandparents, counting ex-step grands. Thankful for the steps, as some of the biological grandparents are disinterested. A lesson in giving and receiving love where you find it.

I grew up with 9 grandparents and later learned that I had actually had another set of grandparents - who had divorced, remarried, and both been widowed/ered - as well as having known 4 of my great-grandparents. Our daughter has grown up, so far, with 5-6 grandparents, as well as having had the great fortune to know 3 of her great-grandparents. So this article hits very close to home for me, but I'm honestly very proud that this has, more or less, been the one consistently functional part of my childhood, and we've made every effort to make it a normalised experience for our daughter It's very reassuring to have read this today and felt a bit more 'normal' than I generally do on family holidays. Family is complicated AF, but I'm incredibly hopeful that our generation will redefine what family means, who is included, and work to normalise families of all shapes, sizes, colours, and configurations. We owe it to our children and we owe it to ourselves.

I spent a long time nursing anger about my parents’ divorce. But it all dropped away when my son was born. My parents have each remarried, so all told, my son has six grandparents, each wonderful in their own way and each with a special nickname. Who could possibly be mad about having extra people to love their kid?

We had one Grandma.. Everyone else was dead. My father was an orphan whose sisters Flossie and Mae mothered him and whose brothers Wally and Barney tried to guide him. Aunt Mae was the grandmotherly one. She remembered all the birthdays and Christmases. She started shopping for Christmas the next year the day after Christmas. My English grandmother lived one block away so we could stop and visit on the way home from school and have "tea" and help her eat the goodies that came from England. She talked to me about what I was reading and listened to me without judgment. Those were different days for sure. I just became a great grandmother. I wouldn't dream of categorizing all of darling little Louis' extended family all of whom cherish him.

reminds me of a terror boy I knew at childcare (he also lived over the road from me - I saw grandparent interactions on a daily basis - everyday as they drove away they'd shout out 'Love Youuuu ! Love Youuuu !' - it got so irritating we ended up mimicking it in unison). his mother was a drug addict living in the housing commission unit - she was eventually evicted for housing the boy's father illegally when she was supposed to be a needy single mother. anyhoo - proud grandparents came to his rescue everytime she got into trouble what did I see at childcare ? - a boy who stood up and shouted to get attention when everyone else was sitting down and quiet - who refused adult directions and would then deliberately do the opposite - who one day I saw deliberately drop a sandwich on the floor right in front of me and when I asked him to pick it up, he shouted 'I didn't do it - you LIE !' OK - so his grandmother sought to protect him from his damaged mother, but the resulting (Mediterranean?) upbringing caused him to act like he was a god who could do no wrong - but on daily warnings about possible exclusion from childcare due to his obnoxious behaviour. staff wanted him banned - when I asked the manager why not she told me 'this may be the only place he sees good behaviour' - and lo - after two years of childcare socialisation I saw him change from someone who offended everybody - to one who actually had friends and was mostly pleasant - thanks to time with NON-grandparents !

In a potentially insightful article that is supposedly about children with many grandparents, the author instead focuses upon the grandparents themselves who just happen to be — wait for it — Baby Boomers, and therefore they are the most over-profiled demographic group by newspapers today. Fascinating how NYT's "Booming" column has transformed into "Generation Grandparent." Frankly, "Generation Trump" would have been a more apt description for this generational cohort who voted overwhelmingly for the latter candidate. And wouldn't that be a fascinating topic for a column? Just imagine how that hypothetical column might play out: "Today there are children with six or eight-grandparents, step-grandparents and grandparent-equivalents, all hailing from a generational cohort that overwhelmingly supports Donald J. Trump and his political beliefs. Pray for the kids."

Yea the more the merrier. I had none thanks to the Final Solution of Hitler and his followers. I marveled when I met my future husband’s grandfather. I thought wow so fantastic. My husband experienced 3. I am a grandmother of 3 and one on the way. So grand we are going to eat together with 1 set now. Isn’t my granddaughter lucky? Enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving

Unless there is some abuse, shame on those that are not inclusive. My grandchildren love all 5 and 6 grandparents, none are step, estranged or excluded. All are blessed!

and this is our reality - too many grandparents to love, spoil, teach, support and care for little ones. A blessing for the children, a tad stressful for the grown-ups. My story is different - my children are first generation Americans. Their grandparents (all 4) lived at least 10 flying hours away. They seldom saw each other, in the age of no computer, no cell phone, no face-time. Old fashioned telephone. But, wait - now comes the language barrier! Somehow, the love my children have for their still surviving grandparent is amazing. A person they barely know, but they feel the bond of family love. Reciprocal, of course. Thank You for your columns, Paula Span. You brighten my day, each and every time I read about Bartola. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Because I had no children of my own, I am thrilled to have step children and two step granddaughters. I love them of course, but another advantage is that I have developed a cordial relationship with their biological grandmother (my husband's ex). We remind each other that it is not a competition and that which bring different features (for lack of a better term) to our relationships with our grandkids.

I suppose you can say that a child has 8 grandparents and, therefore, has more people who invest in and love the child, all to the benefit of the child. I am inclined to believe that the grandparents feel less of an attachment to the child or that the ability of the grandparents to be close to their grandchildren due to divorce and resentments is impaired. What's really is happening is a form of real familial disinvestment.

Both my parents came from broken families. I was born during Well, so I also had eight grandparents. We weren't close to them all. In fact, my absolutely favorite grandfather was my father's step father. He was a terrific man and very kind. But he told jokes with Yiddish punch lines. Very frustrating.

It is hard to be a former step-parent on holidays (and most days), especially if you were in the children's lives for decades and if you are now the second ex-wife, there is a third wife, the children are in various parts of the world, and you haven't even met one or more of grandchildren. I finally withdrew when I realized I was one of the many and didn't want to impose on the children still more pressure for attention. I never told them that, which may have been a mistake, but I remain proud of them, love them and follow their expanded lives as best I can. (I have no children of my own.)

I grew up with 6 grandparents. Two were the parents of my mother's best friend, who loved me and my sibs no less than their own 2 grandchildren. Their daughter was their only surviving child. I have no children, but yet I have many. My husband & I have cared for, mentored & fostered 6 girls and two boys. The oldest is now 32, the youngest is 14 mos. Six of the children, and young adults, still have deep ties to us, and even each other. The youngest 2 don't know the middle 4 aren't related. The middle 4 are thrilled to have a little "brother" and a baby "sister." The reality is, adult children leave their home towns to raise their families because of economics & careers. Parents retire and move away. We are no longer tied to one place, and that creates "alternative families," or family "networks" because the need for grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins exceeds the supply & availability. And older parents cause even older grandparents, who are often not able to keep up with toddlers and pre-schoolers. My 2 nephews, 10 years apart, got very different grandmas, even though she was the same woman.

Thankfully babies don’t examine DNA. My husband may be stepfather to my daughters but he is Gaga to the grandkids. My ex husband’s wife is as much a grandmother as well. Our marriages before grandchildren were born made it easier for the babies to know that the only thing that matters is who loves them to the moon & back.

In my experience, if the parents are divorced (and especially if re-partnered!), there will usually be some level of stress and conflicting expectations for the children to deal with. I am happy that my parents and in-laws are living long, healthy lives with (in 3 cases) new partners. They all enjoy their grandchildren, but dealing with them is always a source of holiday stress.

there are also some without any grandparents. Consider informal adoption or including them somehow, if possible.

My grandmother ( just one) had a powerful influence on me. Not from all the "love," but from her talents, lifestyle, and respect for me. All this grandparenting my generation has created seems like just one more Baby Boomer status, like traveling and decorating homes. Children are not pets or lovies. Or Instagram fodder. They are not meant to be THE center of families. Just one center. If I get a grandchild, I'll share my life not invade theirs.

As my stepdaughter in law opened a very generous Christmas gift from her father in law and me to her two young daughters, she glanced at the card that was signed “Love, Grandpa and Grandma” and said “Thanks, but we’re not encouraging the girls to call you grandma.” After my husband died suddenly, the girls no longer have a grandfather OR a grandmother on their father’s side. I still believe children cannot have too many people who love them.

I appreciate the useful commentary that I always get from these columns on aging. It’s a topic that’s relevant to everyone but has been politely ignored for too long. I’m glad Paula Span’s column faces these issues head on and directly addresses them on a regular basis. I must add: the last line in this column hit exactly the right note for me!

I “lost” a step grandchild I adored when his father divorced my daughter. I will always wonder if his father ever explained my absence.

I feel blessed to be grandma “LiLi” to two little stepgrands and most recently, a newborn granddaughter. I think the kids enjoy having many grandmas & grandpas to love them. My 7 year old granddaughter will happily bring to our attention exactly how many and will proceed call out each of their “designated” grandparent names — and who is her Bestie Grandma that day. We laugh and go long with all of it because in our multicultural & blended family, we do everything we can to make it all normal & fun. Thank you for the focus on this growing phenomenon.

Great article & interesting to know that we are outliers.... But then my in-laws were exceptional.

Fascinating, complicated relationships. Certainly can be a source of confusion and possible discord for everyone -- especially for the children, of course depending on the children's ages. As an aside, I want to say that the author of this article, PAULA SPAN, is one of our MOST RESPECTED journalists on all things aging. I always watch for her NYT column in NEW OLD AGE and treasure the ways it adds to my store of info and knowledge. We need her wisdom and sharp focus.

There can never be too many people to love your children. But after six years of love, time and attention they disappear without a word due to dad's second divorce, well, it is really tough. Hard to help pre-teens understand that loss. But lesson learned, emotional walls built up, life goes on.

More grandparents is the best! I had a few extras, myself, as do my kids. Thank you for putting it all in the best possible light. There may be competition for the grandparent with the best gifts, but in my experience, the kids tend to lean toward the grandparents with the most interest and time.

I really enjoy these New Old Age columns. As my mid 60s sneak up on me, it's good to see dedicated space for those of us who are beginning to navigate it all. This one was particularly good as it deals with the new types of family that have developed at a much faster speed in the last 50 years. All of us involved in step relationships owe it to our children to do what's right no matter what the reason for that "step." It can enrich the lives of our children so much. The examples of what happened in other families and links toward research sites were helpful. I'm really liking these lovely columns.

I, too, think the more people who love and care for your children the better. Buried in this column is this: "If it was a difficult divorce, if there’s a frayed or fraught relationship, that middle generation can become the wall that stops a grandparent relationship.” Right — a parent's ego, resentment, anger and hurt will work against their own child's right to happy, healthy relationships with multiple family members. That's not OK. The key is to help divorcing parents avoid "difficult" divorces. They can and do happen. Many people made fun of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Marin's "conscious uncoupling," but they are by far a much better model of a healthy divorce that puts the children first. The reality is, whether we like it or not, more children will not grow up in an intact nuclear married family (they already don't) and will have multiple parental figures and grandparents. So, what will we do as a society to support them?

I'm a pround long-time member of what I call 'the committee of grandmothers' -- 'Baba' to all the grandchildren and great grands by birth, adoption, marriage, remarriage, and friendship.