I think about parent motivations, as I see things ramp up at soccer games, swim meets and practices as well as in the academic arena. It seems the days are gone when kids had agency to choose and follow their interests. Now it seems a contest to see how many things a kid can be ‘great’ at; and if they are not ‘great’ at something, parents seem to discourage their pursuit – the exact OPPOSITE of learning and growth mindset in the sense that we want to teach kids to tolerate and even embrace failure when they are sure to experience it; as well as to learn, grow, and gain self-confidence and -motivation through this process. This is the epitome of experience and life itself, and sports provide such a rich context for this individual development. This is the main reason why I like to coach and assist; every single kid deserves attention, nurturing, and support to reach their individual potential, which is limitless under the right conditions. I see this especially in the academic arena where parents are just not satisfied with a kid having a profile of strengths and weaknesses; it’s like parents are trying to engineer perfection and it’s just not possible or fair to the individuals who are at their mercy. I wonder what effect this parental "entitlement to success" (@Barrld) has on child development (e.g., self-advocacy, autonomy, motivation).
5
The recent phenomenon of parents behaving badly is roughly coincident with road rage, texting while driving, children striking teachers, and a slew of other behavioral problems that used to be rare and have become normal.
Some people have been and are being raised in such a way as to grow up without learning executive function and self regulation. They don't know how to control themselves and thus they don't know how to function in society. Sad.
7
As a father of 16 YO twins, I coached my kids in many hundreds of recreational and more advanced soccer, basketball and baseball games. I also helped manage a soccer league for 6 years and continue to referee youth soccer all the way up to U19. I have seen many aspects of the different parental threads mentioned here, such as vicariously living through children, finding a sense of community, bragging rights due to success, hyper over-protectiveness, less civility in interactions and am quite sure that none of these adequately explain the complexity of the issues at hand.
For me, growing up in the late 60s and 70s, I played football, basketball, baseball and tennis and my father never saw me play, bc he didn't want to. I wanted to see my kids having fun on the fields, learning team work, the joys of winning and diplomacy of losing, I loved every minute of it and was sad that it ended when they moved onto different sports with professional coaches. Every parent has a different reason for his or her participation in their children's sports and to a large extent I have found parental motives relatively pure and sound. At the same time, esp. in the affluent areas where I've been involved there is an enormous sense of entitlement to success, directly for their children and indirectly for the proud parents. That attitude is something find prevalent and ridiculous but have no solutions for ridding youth sports of such a mindset.
4
@Barrld, thank you for sharing your experience and perspective. You are very astute in your reflections and impressions. I really appreciate your comment, "in the affluent areas where I've been involved there is an enormous sense of entitlement to success, directly for their children and indirectly for the proud parents". I see this entitlement across all domains, from sports to academics. And I wonder what effect it has on child development (e.g., self-advocacy, autonomy, motivation).
I was a sports referee. for 28 years .
I worked major D-1 to youth sports.
Parents were living their lives though their children.
Many top coaches know how to
work with a ref to get the game called.
When starting out in youth sports
most parents were wanna be’s who
could not face the fact that they weren’t good enough.
2
The article didn't mention, but youth sport and high school athletic associations are having a difficult time recruiting referees, umpires and other officials to even do the job because the meager pay isn't worth the abuse that parents heap on them.
I've heard incredibly nasty things said to refs and umpires, even some of these comments mention our "bias" and whatnot, which is really funny. As an umpire and sometimes basketball ref, I can assure you: we really don't care about you or whatever scholarship you think your kid is going to nail down one day to play sports or go the bigs. We're just trying to make the best calls possible, get the game over, and go home. But keep on with the abuse, and eventually no one will be available to do the job.
6
Nailed it with the part about social standing. Yes it's a ton of money, but really it's about reliving high school and getting secondhand accolades for being an awesome player. I've met some who've made it into a full social scene complete with drunk nights out (and even days during tournaments).
7
Another reason not mentioned is that If you do pay a lot of money for your kids sports many of the genuinely unfair and unsafe practices of coaches and leagues seem less excusable. Coaches who play their favorites or who demand absolute loyalty to the team for example or refs who encourage dangerous play were the price one use to accept. When you pay a lot you do feel these things should not happen. This doesn’t excuse any bad behavior (except maybe complaining to a dangerous ref) but it does increase parental involvement from when I was young. And I do remember some really bad parents even then. But no videos were made of them, alas.
3
This really isn’t new. I remember 30 years ago, when I was in 5th and 6th grade we had a baseball father who dropped the f bombs onto the umps regularly and a basketball father who berated the coach whenever his son was subbed out. The only time our parents get riled up is when refs are clearly biased, or when the game gets out of control resulting in one of our kids getting injured. You can only watch your team get literally beat up on the field for so long before you start saying something.
1
What are all these parents standing around watching "practice".Don't they have better things to do? It's a silly, needless
custom.
13
No more snowflakes!
Children become competitive at different ages, but by age 13 they can be expected to take their play more seriously.
The example cited is the exact wrong response to the outraged parent. Banning an entire team for a season over the action of one person is group punishment. Neither the parents on the sidelines nor the players themselves should be punished because one parent lost it.
4
@Real D B Cooper except those are the rules, the parents agreed to them, and they should've been able to follow them. Setting an example for kids that actions have consequences is a valuable lesson - if an embarrassing one in this context.
4
I don’t understand how these are ‘ends of the spectrum,’ they both seem like reasonable responses: ‘On one end, “Mom and Dad are content to spend the money, and they are supportive and they don’t say a lot,” Dr. Dorsch said. At the other end, parents expect their child to perform well and express disappointment if their child or the team does not meet expectations. “In other families, little Johnny goes to Orlando for a tournament and doesn’t play, and on the plane ride home they have a discussion,” he said.
I think that if a child travels to Orlando for a tournament, it would be very upsetting to not play and it would seem odd not to have a discussion about it. Dr. Dorsch seems very unaware of actual parent behavior and this story would have benefitted from sharper editing.
3
Sports are a modern simulacrum of war: a controlled battle between to warriors or tribes; bloodless, but a battle all the same, and subject to the same crude, lizard-brain instincts that regulate killing one's perceived enemy, defending one's turf. The notion that any such behavior can ever truly be calm and polite is absurd. The term "sportsmanlike" is a contradiction in terms. Until humanity puts permanently behind itself all such primitive urges as kill or be killed, there is no hope for us. Sports are merely a way of perpetuating an instinct which has long ago lost its usefulness.
2
It might be that the parents who act out are immature to start with.
5
one over riding reason folks everybody who has a 10 year old player in anything thinks they have a college player that will get a scholarship
it's all about the money plain and simple
4
At an 8 year old rec soccer game, the opposing coach screamed at his young male players for missing a goal: "come on LADIES!!"
When the potbellied unathletic coach walked off the field, I stopped him and told him off for not only berating his players - but also for teaching boys to look down on girls.
I agree with a lot of the posts here that parents should not be too involved in their kids' sports - but one thing parents should be very involved in is getting to know the coach, to make sure that you want this coach around your child. There are a lot of jerks out there with clipboards.
16
Ignorance. Most parents and coaches are (a) ignorant with respect to the rules of the sport; (b) ignorant of their own biases and (c) ignorant of the harm they do to their children and players.
I referee soccer - from competitive youth up to collegiate. Two weeks ago I had a coach consistently questioning almost every call made or not against his players - ignorant of the Laws of the Game, biased toward his players and in the end, saying he was trying to “energize” his players. All he did was rile up the parents and players which resulted in a loss with a player sent off. Meanwhile, the opposing coach provided positive feedback and coaching to players and parents. Which team do you think left the field having enjoyed the game more?
If our youth sports required coaches, parents and players to learn the rules as we referees do, perhaps there would be less ignorance, more respect and greater enjoyment overall!
9
My observation is that when parents get overly involved with the sport their children participate in it is usually because the parents are living through their children’s lives, which means that the child had better be the star that their parent was not.
It is the same in the arts. Stage Moms or Dads live their lives vicariously through their children
It Is not healthy behavior.
Kids need lots of leeway and guidance from parents. That is the parents job.
No hovering or blaming others, like coaches, when their kids don’t live up to the parent’s wishes
The whole idea of participating in any sport is twofold. One is to learn how to be a team member. The other is to learn how to handle success and failure.
Parents need to remember this.
9
This study has too narrow a perspective. What is happening in children's sports reflects the structure and processes of the larger society. The parents use the children as another way of establishing their level in the social hierarchy. In our anti-egalitarian society, "community" does not mean unity, but a hierarchical structure. This study really needs the larger context to interpret these behaviors.
6
How about if a parent behaves badly the player is banned from the sport? That will teach them both a valuable lesson and solve the problem.
12
When I played Little League Baseball, it was for me. Whoever gave me a to the game stayed until it was over, either my brother or one of my parents. My playing wasn't for their benefit, it was for me.
5
I was a baseball turned softball player and gymnast, a 3 sport varsity athlete in high school, and then played a sport in college that was different than any of those (the college sport was the one I turned out to have talent for). I have a hearing problem but couldn't wear hearing aids during sports back then because they weren't comfortable. It was fantastic NOT hearing cheers or complaints. I'm positive that's why I stayed active in high school and college sports - the only pressure came from my own drive to do my best and play, not from anyone else's. My parents had their own lives - they never came to games. The only thing that was a little challenging was getting someone to drive me home with my muddy bike after dark. Other than that - completely perfect sports childhood.
Fast forward to today-I recently stood next to a woman watching her son play baseball after my son's game had ended. After her son struck out, he walked back towards the dugout. Instead of smiling at him or saying good try-his mom bellowed 'Jesus christ!'
Too bad he could hear her.
35
My high school aged neighbor made money this year refereeing youth soccer games. Every week he tells us that some parent and/or coach gets in his face to argue calls. Fortunately, my neighbor is 6'4" tall, so he can calmly look down at most of them and raise his red card. He says he will not referee ever again. The money isn't worth it.
20
You pretty much have to sit around and watch practices if you live any distance from where they are held. It is mind numbingly boring.
16
@Alexandra Hamilton - after many years of doing just that - sitting bored out of my mind -now I walk laps (of the parking lot, field, even a grocery store if it's nighttime) while my son is at practice and sometimes even during games. I've lost ten pounds! I think there's an unwritten story about health problems for parents sitting around and watching their kids do stuff.
20
If only books existed. Sigh.
10
Stay away from the hockey. Those parents are the worst.
18
Great, so now a kid who wants to try something different, explore another interest than the sport she’s been doing the last couple years, has to weigh how quitting will affect her parents, who are getting their needs for social support, community, etc met through their involvement in her sport. Though of course no one will recognize this for what it is, because the parents are too emotionally immature to realize this is what’s going on. They’ll just continue promoting/reminding her that the sport is fun, she’s good at it, her friends are there, it builds good character, quitting is something bad people do. The parents’ needs before the kids’. The kids sacrificing to meet the parents’ needs rather than the other way around. Freaking great. We need education in emotional health and human development in this country. So desperately.
47
Great article. The parents are really ruining sports in America, and awareness is key. Check out yourkidsucksatsoccer.com where we are trying to explore why parents strut so much with youth athletics
5
When I played soccer as a kid and teenager in the 80s and 90s, the only parents who were problematic - and mind you, this was RARE - were the losers trying to relive their "glory days" through their kids.
At this point, Americans are so full of rage that they're constantly on the edge of explosion. I would say it's sad but I think it's more pathetic than anything, indicating a complete lack of maturity and self-control.
23
Parents have ruined youth sports by professionalizing them to a suffocating extent and using them as overbearing extensions of their own egos. What ever happened to letting kids be kids (and, heaven forbid, getting out of the way)?
18
@Joy, PhD
Okay we get it. Refugee asylum seekers are breaking the rules (they are not, and my JD Trump's your PhD in this area), and should be punished.
This is really embarrassing. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I was 13, playing in a game and my parents had done something like this. Then again, you never ever saw anything like this in the 1960's.
9
This should be treated like what it really is: Felony behavior beyond simple assault.
Local law enforcement should have zero tolerance and give maximum potential charges given there are young people around this should always include endangerment of minors charges in addition to assault. Taunts should be treated as aggressive and criminal behavior.
18
And some leagues pay police officers to work at the games. Our family left Youth hockey exactly because of that type of behavior. The league refused to address the behavior and we felt it would escalate to the point of violence. So we left. My daughter was upset. But then she joined cross country and track. ALL the kids are cheered on, fastest to slowest. And there is never any out of control behavior. And there are no "cuts"; everyone gets to participate. The kids are all well behaved. There is a place for everyone to fit in, no matter how social you happen to be. It is also pretty tough to engage in using drugs and/or alcohol and still run 400+ miles a season. Very, very few go on to be stars. Even fewer make money at it. Yet in my area (upstate NY) more kids get college scholarships for running than any other sport. And after the football pads and the hockey sticks and the baseball bats are laid down and the career ends, what are you left with? With running, there is always another 5K, a marathon, a Turkey Trot, or, even better, a nice long run on a sunny afternoon with a friend or two. And all it takes is about $3-400 in running shoes per year. And you don't have to stand there and watch your parents act like jerks.
61
@Walking Man
You spend an awful lot on shoes, unless you're referring to your entire family. Truly, you can find some great shoes in th $50 to $70 bracket if you look a little bit. Excellent post otherwise.
I was shocked to learn that the local youth hockey league required practice times of 5:30 AM or 10 PM. I asked the parent, don’t you see anything wrong with this? You and your kids need sleep, meals together, of real food, but instead you are getting 5 year olds up at 5 am or allowing them to stay up until nearly midnight on school days. And all of the lack of sleep and no time to do anything stress. Egad, it’s ridiculous.
19
Wow! Imagine if the same parents took the same passion and interest with their kids grades, speech and manners!
29
Sports parents are insane. My kid tried out for organized sports and was accepted at the level right below Elite. That's where I we got introduced to crazy sports parent. Most of them think their child is going to get a college scholarship and maybe a shot at the pros and they act like every little bump or obstacle (like missed practice or time on the bench) will ruin their kids' chances. Their main goal for the season was to get their child promoted to Elite level. My child just wanted to play for fun which clearly was not important to those parents and their children. So, half way through the season my kid dropped out and I fully understood and supported his decision. My child was 13 at the time. Nuts.
11
I'm from Canada. I remember a hockey game from about 10 years ago my son was playing in. House league, atom- kids were about 8-9 years old. The mother of one of our players, a known quantity, was screaming at her kid to "take a number!", "kill him!", etc. The referee literally stopped the game and refused to drop the puck until she left the building. I'm not making this up. Funny thing, if you ran into her at the grocery store, she was all sweetness and light. But get her into a rink? It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
25
Parents are easily the worst problem with youth sports. I once reffed a game where the parents got into a big fight with each other over something no one could even figure out. We had to stop the game so the kids could stop their parents from fighting. The 12 years olds were easily more mature than their spoiled parents.
Another case I will never forget was a coach who was extremely verbally abusive to his team of early teen girls. The kids would flinch and you could see it was ruining their fun. These kids were playing in a very considerate way towards each other and that coach was ruining it all. And the parents were tolerating it all. Finally when one of the players started crying I intervened. I ordered the coach to be more respectful to his players and when he turned his childish tantrums on me I ended up sending him off to sit under a tree a long ways from the field where he could no longer ruin the game.
What is wrong with people? We have so called "tiger mothers" taking all the fun out of school learning for their kids and setting back the future of those very over stressed kids back. Parents at kid's sports events making fools out of them selves over sports they don't understand as well as their kids. Etc..
When I was young it seemed that there were few adults at our sports events. We just about never had any of the problems that spoiled adults brought with them.
It's time for so called grown ups to actually grow up and be a little less spoiled.
17
This is not a new phenomenon.
My son played on an under-12 soccer team 35 years ago. At one game, the parent of an boy on an opposing team was angered by a referee's call against his son's team and attempted to assault the referee at the end of the game. The kids on both teams watched in shock as the coach of my son's team, who fortunately was also a karate instructor, held off the angry parent so the referee could escape unharmed.
My son initially played soccer on a different under-10 team in a different league. I decided to have my son play elsewhere when several parents on his under-10 team started yelling racial taunts at an African-American player on an opposing team. I certainly didn't want my son to be influenced by those parent's racist attitudes. My son's under-12 team was majority black and with other kids from Europe, South America, and Asia. He is still friends with many of them decades later.
Youth sports can be a uniting experience or a divisive experience. Responsible parents need to make wise choices and demonstrate wise behaviors.
12
@PeteI almost wrote the same post -- agree completely-- this is nothing new. And parents don't have to succumb to the whole rat race of making the A team. Neither of my kids did, and they both have good jobs, happy lives and families!
After over 25 years in youth soccer, I would dearly love to speak to any group of parents about the odds, almost nil, of their little prodigy playing professional soccer, or any professional sport. Problem is nobody wants to come and listen.
10
I wouldn’t study sports in isolation. Stage parents have been around forever and many a music prodigy was destroyed by overbearing parents. In academics, they demand that children be placed in gifted programs or argue with teachers about grades (even in middle school where they don’t really count.) Parents live vicariously through their kids whether it’s sports, the arts, college admission or even weddings. The danger word is “we.” How we played the game, where we are going to perform, where we are going to college, where we are having our wedding. If you hear yourself say we, meaning your child, treat yourself to a therapist.
25
Look at the way the media covers sports involving young people and you can get an inkling into a contributing factor. Imagine your child on the national news signing a letter of intent to play college sports!! He (mostly boys) is famous!! High school sports are nationally televised. Every high school sport seems to have national rankings. What does that lead to? People taking money to agree to send their kid to a specific college among other things. The recent federal trial opening up what was a not so secret world of big money in big time college sports. Is it any wonder that some people want this because they see dollar signs? Their child becomes the road to a nicer house and a better car. This may not be the most common cause of the terrible behavior we all witness but it is certainly a factor for some people.
3
@Sharon To me, the televised Little League World Series is absolutely the worst abomination in the intersection of youth sports and the media. So what if a player or two from a Little League World Series winning team goes on to play in the majors?
So, oh, boy, you are going to the LL World Series. What next? Raise funds to pay the expenses for the team to travel to Willaimsport. Wash cars. Sell candy bars at an inflated price. Sell LL bling. And exploit pre-teens, not old enough for a work permit, to televise games to sell ads to make money for the TV channel.
2
I’m not sure this is such a new phenomenon. Almost 30 years ago, my husband was a soccer ref for a league where everybody played and he worked games from ages 10-19. Some parents were just as obnoxious then. I remember games that he had to stop and threaten to forfeit a game because of parents’ behavior. The kids were embarrassed by their parents’ behavior-you could tell from their faces. And these weren’t expensive traveling teams. Just neighborhood kids playing soccer on Saturday morning. I’m sure it’s gotten worse with the stress of year round traveling teams but it certainly wasn’t perfect then
4
A number of thoughts occur to me as I read this article and view the accompanying photograph. First, the old line about watching a fight, and then a hockey game broke out. Second, the sheer hatred and anger in the eyes of the parents is more evocative of the “ideal” Trump rally, where people are punched in the mouth or body-slammed and potentially taken out on stretchers, than an athletic event. Third, the old adage, sports—and politics?—don’t build character, they reveal it. In any event, none of this seems, as the British would say, very sporting.
9
I think an awful lot of sports parents have an inflated sense of how good their children really are. I also think there's a ton of pressure to be even better, because the kid's college scholarship is on the line. I can't count how many Catholic-league basketball games I've sat through while listening to ugly comments and derisive remarks from parents toward their own kids. Fortunately, my son has pretty much switched his allegiance to swimming. That sport has a much better crowd of parents, so far at least. Everyone supports everyone else, and I've yet to hear a parent chastise his/her swimmer for losing a race.
5
My parents invested heavily in piano lessons for me from age 4 to 15 when they died.
Recently in a catch-up with a family relative she said 'I thought you aspired to be a concert pianist' as she had observed me being feted and brought out to play by my parents and thus believed I had snooty ambitions to be a superstar.
I said 'No I never said that - that was my parents' ambitions - I stopped playing the piano (mistyped 'paino' - also correct) as soon as they died.’
So yeah - parent's vicarious ambitions pushed onto unwilling children - can lead to misunderstandings all around.
11
I blame youth soccer. It has literally taken over people's lives. I don't know how many time I've seen people out on a beautiful Sunday, or in the pouring down rain, screaming at their kids on the pitch, who would probably be happier anywhere else than there.
7
We live in a very competitive world, where we all want the very best for our children, wanting them to succeed in every endeavor. That always collides with the reality of school sports officiating being as undeveloped as our children. I experienced this on a personal level with my own child who played amateur sports into college. Were the people who get paid to call the games actually competent, that would equal true fairness and more than likely cut down on parental disputes. I once saw a high school basketball game where a young man went up for a shot, and landed with an arm that was pretty scratched up and bloody, with the ref calling no foul. Understandably the childs father was outraged, and called out the ref while asking how he could not have called a foul, only to be told that he would be ejected if he did not stay quiet. In all fairness there are parents who go too far off the hook and become abusive, but it is not fair to anyone to have refs who are not competent. There should be an scholastic committee where parents can file complaints against refs who they feel are not fit for the job. A person shouldn't be able to receive compensation without any mechanism to hold them accountable for continually bad performance. It would be a better scenario for students and parents alike to know that when that call is made, or not made the official knows what they are doing.
3
@Bill
This is yet another layer of infrastructure that says that winning is more important than playing, that professionalizing a skill that is exceptionally unimportant is justified. Does throwing a ball in a hoop justify the time, recrimination, and shaming that would go with complaining about a person who is probably tantamount to a volunteer? Let kids play, Keep adults out of it.
16
@Bill Where are these "competent" referees going to come from? In children's sports, the refs are often high school students making minimum wage for a VERY part-time gig. They don't deserve to have adults screaming at them, and adults should have better sense.
18
@Bill
pretty funny your comment. exactly how do you expect to get competent, professional officials if you want to stop them from officiating? was the game you referenced a top level game, maybe a championship or league final? most likely not. were the players and coaches decisions perfect? most likely not. yet you want someone who is making a SMALL sum officiating so that person's child can have an actual game with a real, trained official, and you want to throw him out. that attitude is exactly why there is a shortage of youth sports officials in this country. everywhere, in every sport.
what I want to know is where you work. then I can come and sit or stand behind you and comment on the job you are doing. I'm fairly sure that I know as much about your job as you do about mine.
so, teach us all a lesson. become an official. then come back and tell us how you became a professional sports official your first year because no one yelled at you and you did such a great job all of the time.
7
I coached my daughter in rec soccer for many years.
I feel that it is the coach's responsibility to set the tone for the team and to explicitly communicate to the parents what is expected from them. In my case, I let parents know that their job was to support and cheer. They were not there to coach their child, to yell at the ref, or otherwise interfere. Period.
In my opinion, at the end of the day, the purpose of the league was not to gain a scholarship, but to learn the joys of competing, excelling, winning and (getting over) losing.
24
I always tried to avoid competitive team sports for myself, but loved skiing. My son now loves skiing too, which is great. Except he wants to compete. I want him just enjoy skiing with friends because it’s so fun, but he won’t have that. He’d rather take on the stress of winning and losing and failure. Other parents ask how I instill the drive. I think if I pushed him to complete and win, he’d lose interest in skiing altogether.
7
The NMYAFL Parent's Code of Conduct is a good start, and I hope that other sports in other locales have similar guidance for the parents. However, perhaps it's time to up the ante. In addition, referees should be free to throw down yellow cards for abusive but non-physical parent performance and red cards, accompanied by stiff monetary fines, for violent behavior.
5
As a child, I never played sports as I was uninterested. My husband played every sport and even coached and umpired girls softball and boys baseball. When our 2 girls became interested in playing softball, we ponied up the considerable monies and signed them up. Both girls have learned a lot about winning and losing, which i think are valuable lessons. I have been chastised by my husband for getting too emotionally involved (as I never played, and never even watched sports played, I did initially feel defensive for my kids for bad calls, etc). I have seen parents chastise their kids, yell at umps, yell at coaches. It’s terrible for the kids and unsettling for the adults. I have instead chosen to view my kids playing with the mantra “Players play, coaches coach and parents cheer”. It really serves well to remember it is for fun, not for trophies, and everyone there is human.
6
I am not sure if I agree that the parental misbehavior is related to the increased investment in youth sports; maybe for some. There is, however, an increase in people now in their 20s and 30s who have not learned how to lose. They have been raised to be spoiled brats who believe they are winners and entitled to have everything their own way. This is not exclusive to youth sports; just look at the number of road rage incidents increasing. Being a good sport and acting humbly and graciously is truly becoming a lost art.
26
Ten years ago when my daughter was a teen referee for recreational league soccer games for kids 4, 5 or 6 years old, the parents (then in their 20s and 30s) were the most unpleasant part of the games. Even with clear rules about parental behavior, an emphasis that this was a fun, collaborative league & a message at enrollment that those seeking a competitive league should look elsewhere, they still got parents who couldn’t shut up while their kids played.
So I can’t agree with your statement about people in their 20s and 30s today.
8
Your assumption may be right, but parental/adult misbehavior is nothing new at youth games: when I played basketball in elementary school in the mid-90s, we regularly witnessed our one teammate’s grandmother (!!!) create a spectacle and get scolded by the refs. Season after season. We felt terrible for our teammate, and embarrassed by this older “fan” who distracted from the reason we were all there: to play a game.
2
All 20 and 30 year olds are spoiled brats? What an interesting social phenomenon, and news to me, I'll admit. I wonder what made the people responsible for raising all these spoiled brats so bad at parenting that their children all ended up this way (people in their 40/50/60 now)? Or should we blame the generation above that for not teaching their own children how to raise selfless, gracious children? Or maybe you think it's the Internet's fault? Regardless of who is to blame, it is sad to see the complete loss of civility within a single generation. I bet they don't even go to church.
3
Yet more evidence to indicate that having children in today's society isn't for everyone. Sure, parents can do their best to raise kids on their own terms, but there's no escaping the modern zeitgeist of wanton selfishness, boorishness, and materialism. New parents must contend with the fact that their cohort is dominated by adults who've steadfastly refused to develop beyond the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old.
11
Parents are parents; statistically the most dangerous people in kids lives.
Coaching, however, is what is important for enjoying team sports.
My favorite and best coaches while growing up were also school teachers. They explained the game from both a team perspective and each player's role within the team. They taught skills, strategy and kept us engaged by having a new 'secret play' or 'trickery' for each game which made practices fun. In hindsight we thrived on being smart players, knowing the game, and having been skillful.
10
The underlying issue is that so many of us are confronted, daily, wither the reality of our lives and our expectations
This as true for the out of work coal miner and the English major with student debt that can only get a job as a substitute teacher, and it may include junior lawyers who aren’t made partners.
We are told to shoot high, you can do whatever you want..but it doesn’t always work out.
Youth sports are often a stage for acting out the disappointment
12
New Mexico has the right idea. It should be a zero tolerance policy. I don't know if it's feasible to ban whole teams, but at the very least, if the parent acts out, their kid should be taken out of the game and banned from the league.
11
@max Optimally, one should not punish the child (or team) for boorish parent's behavior. Bar the parents - the kids can get rides with their team-mates!
5
@max Wrong to kick out a well behaving kid for the sins of his parents. Rather as the article notes, ban the parent(s)from all games.
6
The parent should be banned, not the child.
5
We all must learn to manage strong emotions, it takes effort and a desire to be a better person. The organizers of these leagues need a code of conduct for players, coaches, referees, and parents (spectators.) Do we need a referee for the spectators, perhaps we do. Repeated violations of the conduct or any single serious violation and you are out. Make the spectators agree to the code of conduct as their ticket to be present.
9
I'm getting a little tired of hearing "Humans are social creatures; it's only human for them to want to belong." My parents weren't interested in having a social circle and they raised us just fine. They didn't push us into sports, or even encourage us, but if we wanted to, they spent what they could to enroll us in lessons (horses for sister, violin for me). My parents didn't care about "belonging," they enjoyed their lives with few (but good) friends and certainly didn't project their social insecurities onto their children. Maybe we need to ask if the parents today are really still children. Maybe the world has become hyper-socialized and this sort of behavior is really not normal. Maybe we need to question the "humans are social creatures" and start wondering if humans have become addicted to social feedback the way some people are addicted to heroin. (Maybe it's oxytocin they're now addicted to?) Maybe there has been a social or even a biological/genetic change. It seems that adults no longer have that sense of independence and self-possession that my own parents had, and are all really just still teenagers desperately wanting to make the cheerleading team. My parents could do nicely without trying hard to "belong," so what's wrong with these people?
41
@Jen Very well expressed. My thoughts exactly. I am amazed by how immaturely some adults behave. Combine this with the conviction that your kid must win at all costs in order to affirm your own importance and you have the disgraceful conduct described in the article. These obnoxious parents were probably raised without learning about courtesy and consideration for others.
4
Maybe the reason behind this behavior isn't just sports, but a general sense of rage that seems to be growing everywhere in society.
There's a level of frustration out there as it gets harder and harder for everyone except the Trumps of the world to get by, so it manifests itself as if we are all out there fighting against even our neighbors. Or our kids' parents.
Something deeper is wrong in American society, and it's not just in organized sports.
62
so you're blaming this on trump? if it rains where you live is that trumps fault also? give me a break
3
@avrds
You left out the Shel Silvers, Clintons, John Edwards, John Conyers, Cherokee Princesses, et al. You're welcome.
I've lived in three states (TX, OK, GA) that have an intense focus on sports. And we have triplets with less than sparkling athletic ability. I was a (private) school administrator in all three states -- and while my wife and I turned out to watch our kids practice and play soccer and a little basketball, I was often stunned at parents' behavior at times. The worst came in a small town in southern TX, however, with....cheerleader moms.
As most all the Responses here indicate, parents often cannot help but live through their children. The social pressure is immense --I felt it, and as an older parent, I'd come to terms for decades with being miserable at sports and could care less. But I didn't want my kids to feel bad -- and it was difficult, as they got older, knowing they felt bad about their abilities being less than their friends'.
However -- they found other outlets, and sports felt by the wayside. Sports don't have to be everything, though it often seems to be. I do think our country is obsessed with the kind of winning-take-all attitude athletics can at times present. And the money involved has become obscene. There are good things about teamwork, hard work, endurance, etc. -- but at what cost?
Kids need parents' acceptance, love, and guidance. The shouting they get about their performance -- not so much.
43
Let’s be honest for a moment. There are jerks everywhere, and even jerks often end up having kids and being parents. I avoid jerks whenever possible, but at team events that’s just not possible because there are always going to be one or two of them somewhere nearby and we’re stuck with them for a hour at least. If I bumped into them on the street or at an office party I’d just walk away. At a game, your choices are to confront the problem or move down the sideline in silent protest. What’s most disappointing to me is how one or two bad apples can manage to rile up more moderate people. Instead of moving down the sideline from the jerks, they start chiming in as though it’s acceptable behavior.
Competitive sports can bring out the worst in some people, but in my experience so can recreation league sports. My wife and I removed both of our children from their school friends’ rec teams in soccer, basketball, baseball and softball to get away from one particular parent who was completely out of control — something I spoke to him about on more than occasion. Some have suggested that getting away from all organized sports is the answer, but I believe that is wrong. Apart from imparting very valuable life lessons, sports provides exercise AND in later teen years has been found to help keep kids away from other temptations such as drugs and provides a good and supportive social setting among teammates who are separate from the school environment and its social pressures.
20
So my son has not been super interested in athletics, but last year we face him three options of activities (piano lessons, karate, soccer) and he chose to play soccer. He shows up and is placed on a team who has played together for years, with players who are well beyond the fundamentals. He got discouraged, and I can’t blame him - apparently he started too late.
He is 8
30
@AJ - why was he put on that team? There are soccer programs that start kids playing at age 6 or so and this seems like on of these programs. Your son should have been given an evaluation to see where he fit skill-wise or perhaps you should have seen that he belonged on a different level team. In soccer and most youth sports, there is always turnover year to year but starting your son playing on the proper team is something you need to be on top of.
4
@Gordon
Thanks for blaming me for the error, but there is only one league here.
19
Evaluations are tricky because they are subjective. Much easier to use age cut-offs as the determining factor
Less timer and effort spent dealing with the few parents who disagree with the evaluation
2
So here's the answer. Don't sign your kids up for organized sports. Just don't. They don't need it. Give them free time and help them gather friends at your home after school. Then let them play what and how they want to play without adult intervention. There are other parents out there who want the same thing for their kids. When they are older if they want to play on a school team, fine. But make sure it's their idea and their gig.
34
But both my children LOVE their team sports! And eventually going out and playing in the back yard no longer fulfills their interests and kids just “hang out.” And in some areas, team activities are the only safe place to send children for running around with friends.
I’ve experienced both ends of the competitive sports range from low division to top tier. Generally speaking the pressure from angry fans (and coaches) is greatest in the top tiers, but those parents are still a tiny minority of parents I’ve come into contact with. Moderating their behavior is part of a coach’s job in my opinion. Some do. Some don’t. But those that do, have much better sideline behavior from the entire sideline than those that don’t.
11
@kathleen So true. In the 1970s, there was zero social pressure to make kids be "involved," and certainly not in sports. Kids could just spend time the way they wanted and if they didn't get into trouble, fine. I'm appalled at how regimented childhood is these days. It makes no sense. Children are plunged into competition before they're even in first grade. But it hasn't made any of them happier or smarter than kids of my generation were, on average.
21
Coaches can be brutal, too. My son was one of the youngest in his first year in a youth soccer program. The coach played favorites, giving his son all the opportunities. He was brutal to both boys, constantly yelling at both; at his son, as goalie, for missing a shot on goal; at mine for kicking dirt on the sidelines. It was "curtains for coach Curtain". Eventually, our complaints to the league officials got the coach expelled from all further involvement in the program. It was justice for my son, too, who was the starring goalie the next year playing for a kinder coach on the team that won the championship.
17
The days of sandlot and pick up games, managed by kids, is long gone and replaced by, in many instances, sports and games where kids dress and are expected to perform like pros. Aside from the large financial burden incurred by the price of equipment, costly travel, and the unspoken pleasure for "bragging rights", the elephant in the room is parents who were never team players or who played sports at any level. These are basically the same parents who for decades have yelled at referees, modeled poor sportsmanship, and shamed their kids in front of their peers. Is it more commonplace now than in years past? I don't think so but we leave in a world where it attracts and should get more attention. Sports at any level should be fun, a distraction from the everyday woes of life, and a forum where competition and good sportsmanship is expected... no place for jerk parents who live vicariously and who simply don't get it.. it's a game, but still a stage for life, and should be in the final analysis a positive experience for the child.
26
@Horseshoe Crab, I would disagree that badly behaved parents are those who never played sports. The worst I have seen is the dad who was pretty good in high school and for whom that was the peak of his existence. As a teenager I witnessed the verbal abuse unloaded on a cousin by his father after a game where dad perceived son had played badly. That abuse was in my opinion a proxy for dad’s own adult lack of achievement. Nowadays, I think it has a huge amount to do with the hunt for college money.
Years ago my brother wanted to play Little League baseball. My parents said "OK". After watching the other parents over a few games, they pulled him out. If the behavior of sporting parents has gotten worst over the years, I can't imagine what it is like now.
24
In my small town, the very biased parent as coach stacks the teams to favor his daughters, chooses her teammate friends, refs play along to keep in his good favor and most kids quit the sport by 11, either because not allowed on a good team or discarded by it. The fun is gone for most kids in the parent ego sports leagues
29
I remember playing little league and hockey and hearing angry parents yelling from the stands and how dispiriting that was. Probably that's why I enjoyed track and field so much more.
Team sports can be good but unfortunately they often exist in an environment of 'us vs. them' and pressure to conform when taken too seriously.
The kids get it. There was a beautiful example of this here recently during a championship hockey game. The player who scored the winning goal left the huddle of celebrating teammates and skated over to the goalie he had scored on and gave him a big hug.
45
A better question to ask is why are parents so involved nowadays with their kids' lives in general? Are parents so insecure about themselves and their children that they need to obsess over every detail and bizarrely associate their child's success w/ their own?
My parents loved me, but my life was my own. They never attended sports matches I was in (neither did the other parents), and we didn't feel any need for them to be there.
Back off, parents, and let your kids live!!
120
@Jim some of this is probably due to family size. College educated parents especially are having fewer kids, thus they have the time and money to invest heavily in them.
9
Parents are living their kids lives vicariously thourgh their sports experiences. When I grew up, no parents I knew did that. I played sports at rec leagues and I can never remember parents showing up for anything. My parents never watched me play a single game. I wasn’t particularlly good at sports and mostly played pick up basketball, football and sometimes tennis. My parents didn’t care that I was a mediocre player and neitheri did I. Today it’s the opposite, and I have to admit I was part of that. Looking back, I should have spent more time as a parent on my golf game and let the kids do sports on their own, or not.
48
There used to be games kids played. They would meet up in a park or on tennis courts or in the back yard and get some exercise and pass some time. Have fun. But then games became organized sports with an infrastructure of leagues and coaching. And, btw, adults act as badly when they are playing as when they are watching. You would not believe the cheating that goes on in tennis leagues and tournaments where line calls are basically what you can get away with. Women and men are equally culprits.
35
I know from experience that there are families with 2 and even 3 kids on highly competitive traveling teams. Most of their weekends are spent traveling from one game to another, often at considerable distances. Parents have to split up and go in different directions to attend games.
Result - much less time to relax at home and do activities together. Plus normal errands of grocery shopping, cleaning pick up, yard work, etc get crammed into week days after work leaving parents tired and stressed and with less time to interact with their families. And all this expense, stress, and anxiety for whose benefit? School teams and local parks and rec ought to be funded and supported and just let the kids play.
82
In many sports, there are fewer youth working as referees and this is unfortunate. The most common reason I hear from those youth is the behaviour of coaches and parents who berate 12 and 13-year old referees for mistakes during games involving kids who are sometimes only 6 to 8 years old. My own kids refereed soccer for many years (the younger one still does at 19), however, they will only work as assistant referees rather than centre referees in soccer. It's good pocket money, however, the yelling and arguing by parents and coaches makes them think long and hard about what age groups they will officiate. Oftentimes now, they will only work adult games, where players argue, but it's less volatile.
The poor behaviour of the parents and coaches rubs off on the children who emulate them as well as the poor sportsmanship that they often see in professional sports. Good coaches and players are not as expert in the rules as they tend to think they are and they need to consider how their behaviour will lead to reduced numbers of officials which will in turn lead to fewer opportunities to play.
47
@nvguy
You see this in courts and in politics everyday -- protest everything, and try to grind down the other side. Not "noble" -- mostly annoying.
3
There's something awful about the mentality surrounding team sports in general. Too much unhealthy, rage-based competition. I wonder if anyone has looked at whether there are parallels between the rise of violence on the part of professional sports players and parental aggression in youth sports. Just a thought.
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@Bonniwell
Yes, team sports encourage anti social attitudes.
Who needs them?
They act badly because they are stupid.
79
@JEM Woefully ignorant, more than stupid. Or maybe stupid, because they lack the crtical thinking skills to find out about the realities and the odds of their children becoming well-paid professional athletes. And then their kids burn out from the constant parental pressure to excel at the impossible and the coaches who are in it for self-promotion, never mind the kids.
2
This describes my town to a T--
"A desire to remain with the social group can produce a strong emotional response if a parent perceives that a referee makes a bad call or a child plays sluggishly."
My daughter refused to referee soccer for kids above grade 5 because of the parents....crazy!
40
I recall when my daughter was playing soccer at about age 8. I asked her is she could hear parents yelling; "Oh, yes," she replied. "And what do you hear them saying?" "My name." A lightbulb went off: After that, I cheered on her team by shouting out their names: "YAY BECKY!" etc.
I never built my social life around my daughter's activities, and find that a very strange idea.
32
Parents and coaches would serve the needs of young children better by dialing down their dreams of being on the cover of sports Illustrated.
When children develop lifelong sport skills, teamwork, and friendships,
on that day parents have earned their Hallmark cards.
19
May be it depends on the specific sports. My children were in cross country and soccer. Neither of these involved parents yelling at coaches or players! when at end of year they showed statewide GPA of students for each sport. To onone's surprise Football and Basketball were at the bottom. Cross Country, Swimming and Tennis were in the top tier.
27
@Jaque, our daughter was a high school and college rower. Maybe we were just lucky, but the parents that we met for both experiences were wonderful - very supportive of the all the rowers and respectful to the coaches. I can't recommend this sport enough for teaching young men and women the power of teamwork.
8
@Jaquen In my experience, soccer is the worst in terms of bad behavior by parents, mainly because parents think they know the rules, but don't.
1
@Jaque My goodness, what kind of analysis is this? For as long as I can remember, students on a college track have padded their college application with participation in a sport. It's no surprise that their sport of choice would be one of the country club sports; no chance of collision with people or things. Of course, team GPAs soar. Some excell and I'm sure most have a good time, especially in cross country, where our high school went decades with a 'no cut' policy. We'd often have to wait in near darkness for the stragglers but, what the heck.
Parents are forgetting that losing with grace is a good lesson. That accepting calls from a ref that you disagree with while maintaining respect and playing on is an excellent lesson. And remembering that in the end, it’s just a game.
Kids who don’t learn these lessons aren’t learning grit for real life: life is sometimes unfair, you can get laid off for no reason, etc. How you handle yourself in these situations will make or break you. It’s good to learn this early in what should be a more relaxed situation, which unfortunately due to these parents, now is not.
121
Do you find this same problem in Germany?
1
@An American In Germany
A friend's father whose father was killed by a drunk driver when the father was age 12, with very hard work, became All Big 10 for FB. Got an NFL tryout, 2,000 miles away. Halfway there, decided that he had to "grow up" and get an everyday job.
With excessive numbers of colleges using sports to boost student enrollment and marketing, it is easy for parents to think their child can be a professional sports figure, being on a college team.
Wrong, very wrong. The odds are NOT in their favor. And the longer one stays in the minor leagues' low-pay cellars, the lower their Social Security checks will be.
So .. parents, grow up, will ya? You're hurting others. Thanks.
1
Parents are living vicariously through their kids' athletic success. They hope their kids will get into college on a sports scholarship, rather than academics, so every play and game "miscalled", is a chance that their kid will not get the credit his parents think he deserves.
It has nothing to do with community, it is all competition. Many years ago there was an ice show for a whole week at Sea World. Every night the young figure skaters came with their mothers. They were not a community. They were competitors. They would brag about getting 10 minutes coaching time with some special coach, while others bragged about their 8 year olds' prowess in some maneuver. I wanted to go over to say that there is a 10,000 to one chance that their kid would ever get to the national championships. I didn't. I left them, like other parents of kids in sports, with their delusion that it will somehow matter. Instead of encouraging excellence in school, they got up at 4:00 am to spend time at the rink. What was fun becomes a chore and a subject of nagging, criticism and arguments. I doubt very many kids enjoy having all their time usurped by a parent's dream.
71
@S.L.- probably more like 1 out of 20,000
3
@S.L.
Bigger issue -- this is a major factor in the Larry Nassar scandal -- failing to think openly about the risks and potential problems, and to be honest and frank about them. And to ask the necessary hard questions -- "do you really have enough raw talent to be competitive?"
I coach competitive club volleyball and less-competitive volleyball for an in-house league run by the club. I've had to ask parents to stop walking onto the court/sidelines to "coach" their child in the middle of practice for the league, which has a significantly reduced time and financial commitment compared to club.
I was mortified when my parents cheered louder than all the other parents when I was a kid/teen; I wonder if my athletes, who are mostly 11-13 years old, feel similar embarrassment when their parents try to do my job for me in the middle of a practice.
43
As someone who grew up in what may be the world capital of parents behaving badly at youth sports events--Staten Island, NY--I am sure all these factors apply, as well as a tendency for parents/coaches/officials to want their kids to have the same "experiences" at "character building" they had--which is often bound up with conservative politics, fear of "sissydom"/LGBTQ panic, and other various reactionary mindsets.
To wit: bad parental behavior is much more prevalent in conservative leaning areas and is much less prominent at events involving female athletes.
81
This is sad. Kids’ “activities” are already so distorted and stress-laden, and if they hold the key to the whole family’s social life as well, it’s just too much. The more I learn about American sports culture (be that the kid or the adult version), the more I don’t like it. What a way to sap all the fun out of anything - from sports to dance. I’ll try to steer my kids towards more enjoyable activities when they get old enough. And if they insist on sports, you sure as hell won’t see me in the bleachers exchanging fists with crazy parents. That’s not the kind of community I want to be a part of.
56
Sports parenting issues have been a major concern for more than 25 years now, ever since travel and club teams became universal and have fomented parents' hopes that their kid might be good enough to earn an athletic scholarship to college, or even turn pro, even though the odds are heavily against them. For more than two decades, these and other critically important sports parenting issues (e.g. the right age to specialize, repetitive use injuries, social media concerns, parental friction with coaches, etc) have been covered in depth on WFAN's Radio "Sports Edge" program every Sunday at 8 AM. Top experts on youth and amateur sports (including Barry Mano, Dr. Robert Cantu, Chris Nowinski, law professor Doug Abrams, and many more) appear on the show and offer timely and important insight.